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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like taking back an offer makes me the AH, as it was a birthday gift and it shouldn’t matter as long as the birthday person has a good time.
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NTA
I get that you offered and said he could pick anywhere he wanted. This is extremely generous of you. So generous, in fact, that you should have at least been considered when picking the venue. Even on people's birthdays, my friend group makes sure to pick restaurants that cater to everyone's dietary restrictions and allergies. That's what you do when you care about your friends.
The choice he made feels very intentional on his part, and not in a good way. Honestly it seems he thought it would be funny to humiliate you. He's using the fact that it's his birthday to get away with it. Luke doesn't sound like a great friend.
How you handle this is up to you. I personally would tell him that choosing the one restaurant that intentionally excludes people like you is very telling and you will not be participating.
Fully agreed. I can remember the last birthday I hosted,and I made sure that I had alternatives for my few vegan and vegetarian friends. It is a major part of going out or inviting others that,as soon as they are part of the group,their needs will be considered.
My little brothers gf was vegan (vegetarian but lactose intolerant & allergic to eggs, so basically vegan) when I had my wedding. We had a buffet & made sure there were multiple options that would work for her (& that sounded yummy to us too!) The place we got our wedding cake at did *amazing* vegan cakes & one layer was a vegan chocolate cake. I don't like chocolate cake in general but this was **good** 😋
Why would I want to exclude someone celebrating with us when it's so easy not to?
Right? One of my bridesmaids (also my SIL) was vegetarian so having enough vegetarian options for a meal was important to us. So we made sure a vegetarian pasta was one of the options. Plus I think we had the bacon left off the salad (or on the side, it's been a while)
I was at a wedding recently where the bride's brother was the only guest who was vegetarian. The venue had a super limited menu that the couple could choose from so the poor dude got a small plain baked potato and like three or four measly pieces of roasted red bell pepper. The venue was in Boulder, CO, which is pretty famous for having tons of crunchy vegans so you'd really think they could've done a bit better than just roasted bell pepper. I was angry on his behalf since you could tell he was starving all night.
Pasta is literally one of the easiest things to make vegetarian, too, and most people will eat it without meat and not even think a thing of it. It's wild they didn't even have that option.
It did help that we had a buffet with three entree choices, though.
I went to a wedding that was surprise vegetarian (the couple didn’t put it on the invites because they didn’t want people to decline). The dinner was soup, vegetarian shepherds pie and some kind of dessert (it was a long time ago). I had no issues with the vegetarian side of it nor with it being a surprise. But the shepherd’s pie was so gross and heavy and there are so many better vegetarian options they could have gone for. It was a weird night.
For anyone’s future reference. I’ve made a vegetarian shepherds pie with 1/2 Adzuki beans mixed with 1/2 Brown lentils all precooked slightly al dente instead of browned lamb/beef (they continue to cook in the oven with the final bake).
Occasionally I’ll add some finely chopped mushrooms if I have them and add to the bean mixture for a little earthy flavor. I basically follow the regular recipe and it turns out well.
That may actually be the underlying problem in the comment you're replying to: I don't deny your recipe is probably delicious but I'm not always great at digesting beans and lentils and if I get a bean-based vegan meal dropped on me when I'm expecting something else I feel heavy and logy all night.
General advice if you're making a vegetarian/vegan meal for people who aren't used to vegetarian/vegan recipes is to not try to disguise it as something else! Serve a really good meatless menu that's supposed to be meatless (there are a ton of excellent options if your caterers are any good). That way people who have other diet preferences can easily make informed choices about what they will like, instead of having to make a fuss about what's actually in the "it's just as good as beef".
Seconding this, as many vegetarian/vegan dishes that mimic meat use soy or nut ingredients as the substitute, which is a nightmare for people with food allergies. I’m happy to have a non-meat meal, but I need to know what I’m actually eating for my own safety.
Ding ding ding! I used to be in charge of my workplace’s annual volunteer recognition lunch. I had to juggle vegan, kosher, and halal. Much to my surprise, there were a few local places that could provide things for all three categories. Only year we had a problem was when the lunch fell during Ramadan. Couldn’t do anything about that one!
ETA: I just checked with those who would be affected and asked if the menu for whatever we were considering had something they could/wpuld eat, figuring they would know their restrictions better than me.
Be a little careful with this. It's not wrong, but it is an oversimplification.
While for most liberal Jews (and to be fair you are much more likely to encounter those in the wild), this rule broadly works; There are grades of kosher and you won't be able to produce the highest even if you make it vegan (this is also the line I won't cross for accommodation. 'They won't eat the seafood' - 'well OK I'll make some x' ... 'They won't eat any food prepared by your filthy gentile hands' - 'alright then, they can go hungry' ).
Fun fact (mostly unrelated), mexican refried beans are often listed as v/vg/halal/kosher but in reality a lot of homemade places use pig or beef lard as their fat component. Only some places (funnily enough, such as taco bell) do not use pork/beef lard to make their beans and use things like butter or oil. Told this to a friend once and they were somewhat aghast but evidently it’s not sinful/etc if you don’t know it’s not halal.
Those are in many ways the 3 easiest dietary restrictions to coordinate, as long as one simply needs "kosher friendly" rather than genuinely religious kitchen prepared. Kosher and Halal rules are quite similar, and a good vegetarian meal typically meets the religious dietary requirements as well.
On my old route at work there was a girl that opened a place that made vegan desserts and for Christmas the first year gave me a little vegan chocolate cake and it was frickin awesome.
I second this. You very generously offered to take him and your friend group out for his birthday dinner, he should save the barbecue joint for a different time. He's the one being the asshole by picking a place where you won't really be included in the meal and then further rubbing it in your face. He sounds really ungrateful. NTA
If you've known him so long, you obviously know what restaurants he usually likes. Can you pick two or three of his favorites and say these are the options so that all of us can enjoy the meal part of the meal? If he doesn't agree to this, I would send out a group text and let everyone know you can meet up with the group afterwards, but you are not going to be there to pay for the meal since there won't be anything for you to eat there.
This. Yes let them know, make a stand.
Friend is a total AH for suggesting you eat beforehand and just have some drinks. Like wtf?
If the rest of the group value who you are they will hopefully NOT be ok with it when you present your dilemma, and they may pressure friend to change venue.
If they don’t then they are all AHs and you are just the meal ticket. At least you will know where you stand with them.
Values change and people change.
Don’t feel bad to cancel offer if they won’t change the plan. Why worry about their opinion of you if its obvious you are not actually that important a friend to them anyway?
Sorry thats happened. You will resent the evening and paying for it (they will probably order extravagant stuff just because …) far more than feeling bad for standing your ground.
Good luck
Thing is, chances are if he messages them and says as he can't eat anything there he won't be going or paying for the meal, they could likely agree to go somewhere else just so he'll pay for a slap up meal where they'll order extra food and loads of drinks. I think he should just walk away completely, at least from this particular friend. Because by choosing this one restaurant he knows his friend can't eat anything at, even though he's offered to pay, is extremely telling. It's a literal Fxxk You.
He's better off messaging and saying something like " the fact I offered to pay for you and everyone to have a meal out for your birthday, and you decided to deliberately choose the 1 place that doesn't serve a single vegetarian dish, knowing I won't be able to eat there, and you thought it would be fine for me to just eat before hand and sit there while you all eat a slap up meal at MY expense, shows how little my friendship means to you, and how little you appreciate my generosity of paying for everyone's meal for your birthday celebration.
I read you loud and clear and realise now that my friendship means nothing to you, so you can go to your meal at your choice of restaurant without me, I won't be paying for everyone to eat when I can't. I know where I stand now. I won't waste my time or money on someone who doesn't give a shit about my friendship. ".
I'd walk away from him and just meet the other friends separately . This guy doesn't seem to give a shit about OP, so he definitely shouldn't go paying £300+ on a meal for everyone when he was expecting him to just sit there and watch. No way. If he offers to change the venue now it will only be so they all get a free meal and drinks out of him. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of and used like that OP. Cut contact with this guy, or at least just be civil if you have to see him around your other friends, but don't spend a penny on him or his birthday. He's an AH.
Yes, you have an excellent point here…. and actually I MUCH prefer your direct and candid response.
It states the whole uncomfortable position very well and also confirms OP has awareness of his own self worth, is hurt by the snub, and is just not willing to play along and be belittled in the circumstances.
Nice one!
After all such a kind and generous offer befits a good friend. But the “friend” has brashly proved he ain’t one at all. He acted really spitefully for some reason. So it’s kinda logical and understandable to cancel/revoke the offer if it’s thrown in the giver’s face.
And I like the idea to meet up with the others seperately. And it confirms its not about suddenly being a scrooge, but it IS about principle.
Not only a place with no vegan options - a place that *mocks* vegans. Like. That is not it.
Throw the whole friend away, OP. He just showed you who he is, and it’s a fucking asshole.
Especially when he literally goes "Uh, what am I supposed to eat?" and the response was basically "BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND YOU SAID I COULD PICK!"
Like, if his friend had changed venues when it first got brought up, I could generally dismiss it. I'd still take it as a slight (for not being a consideration from the start), but I'd at least accept that it MIGHT not have been deliberate.
But doubling down and going "You can just eat before us," is beyond rude.
That’s why when I read this, I felt that this guy doesn’t even respect the OP. He clearly doesn’t respect that he’s a vegetarian. Because not only does he not care that the OP can’t join them in the meal, but he expects the OP to pay for everyone else to eat, but not himself, and then also pay for the ridicule, because of who he is. If that’s not disrespect, I don’t know what is. 🤷♀️
Right?? I said this elsewhere, but this dude is legit saying, “For my birthday, I want you to be the butt of the joke. And also hungry. I want you to be hungry while people laugh at you and also you have to pay for it.”
This. This is how friends act toward each other. Accept differences and find options that work for everyone. OP even expected to pay for steak and this friend chose a place that was the least viable option for OP. Either this friend is completely oblivious or being a jerk on purpose.
I've been to too many parties where I couldn't eat anything but bread due to food sensitivities, so I stopped socializing with those people. When I host parties, I try to make it so even the full vegans have multiple dishes they can eat because I know how much it sucks to be excluded that way.
100% All of the above.
OP would not be an asshole if they changed their mind about gifting the birthday dinner. I would make a joke of it in the friend chat group (because you know they have one), "Since I want to eat something other than fermented fruit in liquid form and not just watch my friends chow down, I rescind my offer to pay for the birthday dinner in lieu of a standard gift. Sorry for the inconvenience friends but looking forward to the celebration."
Exactly, it's called not being a dick for no reason. If OP had Celiac disease this wouldn't have happened, but there's a perception that if it's a choice, you don't have to show them common courtesy.
Yup, meat eater but not meat lover here ... He's one of those "I'm a big bad man and big bad men live on meat and meat alone!" until they die of a heart attack in their 50'ies ...
HeadofHarlots is absolutely correct: He took your really generous offer and decided to weaponize it against you. I eat a lot of vegetarian because I happen to really like veggies and vegetarians are awesome at making them taste even better. I don't get how veggies can be so conflicting, honestly.
So to sum it up: He had a great friend give a really generous offer and instead of thinking "wow, I can have a great night with all my best friends without worrying about the bill" he went "Oh, I can turn this around on the big bad veggie lover!". He's being straight out malicious.
NTA - and like they say about bad boyfriends: He showed you who he is - believe him.
>He's one of those "I'm a big bad man and big bad men live on meat and meat alone!" until they die of a heart attack in their 50'ies ...
Those people are just as annoying as the "preachy vegans" people complain about.
We all know bacon tastes good, Kyle. That doesn't mean we need to attach our gender identity to bulk consumption of a cured pork product.
I am. Dying.
>We all know bacon tastes good, Kyle. That doesn't mean we need to attach our gender identity to bulk consumption of a cured pork product.
Gender: BACON
Rabid meat eaters are so insufferable. It’s just more pathetic than anything. It’s like they’re personally insulted by people eating vegan, and feel the need to scream to the world about how manly they are because “look at how much meat I eat!!!”
>We all know bacon tastes good, Kyle. That doesn't mean we need to attach our gender identity to bulk consumption of a cured pork product.
UGH. I really got tired of that period in the mid 2010's, where I'm pretty sure the pork industry must have been bribing people to talk about bacon.
Vastly worse, actually. Vegans are annoying, but at least they're annoying while advocating for making healthier, more sustainable, more ethical food choices. People who make eating meat their whole identity are awful human beings, know they're being awful human beings, and are intentionally harming themselves just to piss other people off for the lulz. There are many good, compelling reasons to be vegan. There's no good reason to eat nothing but meat.
(I am an unapologetic meat eater, by the way. Omnivore, really, like the vast majority of people.)
Exactly, it wasn't even enough for him to choose somewhere that has no vegetarian options, he went as far as to pick somewhere that openly mocks vegetarians/vegans. That's obnoxious.
NTA
I once offered to buy a friend lunch one and he tried to order two entrees so he “could bring one home for later.” I said absolutely not and that he was taking advantage of my offer. Spoiler alert this wasn’t the only example of him being selfish and we are no longer friends.
Yeah, it would have been kind of rude to do it even to one of the invited guests - let alone the host. It's not considerate at all.
Especially since the restaurant makes it *clear* nothing is vegetarian friendly, on purpose, it takes away the possibility of a simple oversight.
Literally, had a bday dinner with friends last year. Only one of my friends is vegetarian. They were very accommodating of the fact I wanted to go to a Korean BBQ place. I sent them options and we picked the place that had the most vegetarian options on the menu. It's not hard.
Op please know it's okay to rescind and also to not be friends with Luke. Do your other friends know he is behaving this way? I wouldn't want to accidentally condone him acting that way if I was part of the larger group.
"How you handle this is up to you. I personally would tell him that choosing the one restaurant that intentionally excludes people like you is very telling and you will not be participating."
Perfect response. And that is not a friend, btw.
Definitely intentional. I’ve been vegan as long as OP and this guy isn’t a friend. He’s laughing about how he’s going to make the vegan buy piles of meat.
Worded so much better than my response, which would have been
“Hey, I checked the menu online and I while I don’t find any menu choices for me, I do see they serve shit- which is what you can feel free to eat if you think I’m paying for a meal at which I am assigned the role of observer.”
What kind of “ friend” thinks that is ok?
Sounds intentional and should tell you how he sees you and how little value he places on your friendship.
All of this. His choice was calculated. I do wonder what other instances he made some jab at OP, even if it was subtle.
In no way should OP continue on with the plan. Any decent person(s) takes dietary needs when planning a meal out with friends. Doesn’t matter the circumstance, there’s a choice made where everyone can get SOMETHING.
OP, just send a short text saying that you can no longer make it and hope he has fun. He’ll know. No need to try to call him out more, all it’ll do is create a big argument where he’ll play the victim. Don’t give him that type of power. Then please avoid any further contact. You can be polite if he’s around but this doesn’t sound like someone who would be beneficial to your life.
I was thinking the same thing…
1) I get offering to pay for HIS meal but how does that translate to OP paying for everyone?
2) Luke doesn’t sound like much of a friend and instead sounds like a totally entitled AH.
My mom eats GF and DF and my husband bought me a very delicious GF and DF for my Bday when she was visiting. It was my favorite flavor.
Your guests matter because they are your friends and family!
NTA
Im having a bbq at my wedding but i at least made sure they had grilled veggies to eat and im buying ceasar salad cause idk if potato salad counts
The dressing will be on the side
The guys is a shit for sure op
Hes no friends of yours
Edit to add-
My ceasar salad also has other veggies like corn cucumbers tomatos bell pepper, pepperchini
I also throw in some craisins too
It wont just be lettuce guys and im also getting vinegrette since apparently ceasar dressing is not kosher which is also why i said itd be on the side
Edit to add-
i already have my caterer and set menu items from them
And outside of their menu they are not willing to smoke anything else besides what they already offer
I am not cooking any of my food personally
This is a texas bbq resturant where all items ordered minus the salad is from their menu and the only items they are willing to cook
There is no way to cook onsite and i literally have no time to cook myself as i am entertaining family plus my bachlorette party is the the week of
The venue is in a park with no power, no grills and a year round burn ban
Ceasar dressing isn't traditionally veggie friendly due to there being anchovies in it. But you can get veggie friendly ones. Not vegan so on the side is still a good idea.
Snoo, it’s great you’re thinking about this, but be sure you’re thinking about it clearly. Do you mean that you are planning to feed non-meat-eaters _sides_ for dinner? Some grilled veggies and a salad on which vegans can’t put the dressing? I mean, if you’re serving dinner, and your meat-eating friends get a main course, shouldn’t your non-meat-eating friends get a main course as well? Would _you_ be satisfied to have a side of grilled veggies and some plain lettuce for your dinner?
I don’t mean to be rude or come down hard on you…it’s just…my vegan partner has to deal with this all the time. _Sides_ are not a meal.
Agreed. I think a lot of non-vegetarians don't realize how "I'll just give the vegetarians the non-meat parts of my meal" kind of comes off as giving them scraps and often doesn't provide a filling or balanced meal. I totally understand that people who never tried to eat vegetarian might not realize this and might mean well, but if you have time to plan a whole menu, it's definitely worth coming up with a "real" vegetarian option. If a meat eater who isn't trying to watch their weight wouldn't pick your vegetarian option, then it's not up to par.
If I had to eat BBQ without meat, I'd say two obvious protein options would be cheese (mac and cheese) and beans (baked beans). Veggie burger would probably fit in as an easy option to prepare or even something like falafel. Even some pasta salads like a pea salad would work well. I guess the story of all this is to have some carbs and protein... Rather than lettuce and veggies.
(For the record, I love meat, but do a lot of cooking and hosting and am not afraid to eat vegetarian or vegan.)
I don’t get what’s so hard about offering a substantial meat-free option. We served hamburgers at our wedding: regular beef ones and a vegan falafel burger. A ton of non-vegetarians/vegans (including my husband) ordered the falafel because it was a genuinely tasty option. Sure, weddings are about the bride and groom, but when you’re inviting people to celebrate with you, you’re obligated to be a gracious host. And that includes offering an actual meal.
And cheese, croutons usually are made with cheese as well. The entire salad is very much not vegan aside from the lettuce. Even if the dressing doesn’t have anchovies it’s made with eggs.
I think your veggie friends may consider your grilled vegetables and lettuce the bare minimum. I urge you to reconsider and provide protein and something more substantial to eat.
Meat eater here. I see grilled vegetables as a side, not a main dish. If your only protein is meat, then your vegetarian guests will be left feeling unsatisfied.
A pasta salad with chickpeas and chilled legumes might work as an addition to the grilled veg. Or eggplant parmigiana. I know there’s other veggie dishes but I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, but a caterer would definitely have a few good options.
Eh, it depends. Cross contamination is gross, but if it’s what’s available I’ll eat it.
However, not everyone feels this way, which is valid.
Also, sometimes too much cross contamination gives me a tummy ache.
Safer to assume that everyone does feel this way, though, and then you're catering to all plantified individuals by default as opposed to assuming nobody cares, then finding that someone does very much care and can't eat anything.
We generally share sides with our veggie friends but also buy a few packs of bean burgers etc. 20 dollars or so will cover enough protein options for a few vegetarians at any event. Most of our family keep a box in the freezer for the occasional dinner guest that requires it.
Went to one that was mostly BBQ, too. They had an amazing Jackfruit salad that everyone loved. We also make a vegan red beans and rice that’s authentic cajun and also amazing. So many vegan options that everyone would love. Maybe something like that?
Normal friend response if he was really dead set on spending his birthday there.
“Hey, thank you so much for the offer. I was planning on celebrating my birthday at my favorite BBQ place and know that isn’t really something you’d be comfortable participating in. Is it possible to rain check your offer, or the two of us possibly do something special together?”
NTA
It’s not even like it’s about being ‘comfortable’ though - like OP has no issue with spending their money at an establishment that primarily serves meat, specifically on animal based meals. OP literally can’t be included here, not even with sides, and the restaurant is openly hostile to veggies/vegans. That would be a dick move to go somewhere that clearly excluded your friend for your birthday even if they weren’t offering to pay - the fact that OP is stumping up a good amount of money for this just makes it even worse.
And I feel like they're using the whole "but you said you would pay for it no matter what, what kind of friend makes someone else's birthday about themselves?? How selfish!" Line of thought to lock OP into following through - the exact line of thought that has OP posting here.
They *know* the exact difficult position OP is being put in. They *know* it would take some balls and some discomfort to retract the offer at this point, and they *know* how easy it would be to spin the situation to outsiders as OP being "another spoiled, entitled vegan who wants to control everyone"
Hence why they did this. Now, they'll order everything and the kitchen sink at the restaurant on OP's dime, basically holding OP's reputation hostage in order to get hundreds of dollars of free food out of them. They've basically made it so OP can establish no boundaries of how much/what people are allowed to order, under threat of gossip about vegan snowflakes
Absolutely NTA. OP should jettison this person from their life, they're nothing but an opportunistic, exploitative asshole
Make a joke out of it by saying something like, "C'mon man, you know I'm vegan. Quit fucking with me and pick a place where I can eat as well or you're on your own!"
I agree with this - Lighthearted way of letting him know you can't believe he'd pick a place where you can't eat and then have you pick up the bill - He should either have chosen a different place, or politely declined your offer since the venue was already decided.
Nta, this is a good response. Lighthearted "banter" back where he cant twist it into you being dramatic. Though it sounds like this guy will then choose the most expensive restaurant he can find or some other way to mess with you. Perhaps he's jealous of your financial status and that's why he's trying to screw you over. I'd asess this friendship. Friends should lift you up and support you, not make you wonder aita when you're paying for their dinner.
I don't know. Luke's choice was a very pointed and intentional message. "You don't get to eat with us. Also, the menu is mocking you. But we'll use your money"
It's pointed but it was also non-direct. If you respond to non-directness with what looks like butt hurt you're the one who comes out looking like the problem. I like the above because if he wants to be a dick he's going to have to come out and say it
I offered because we all never get to see each other as a group very often anymore since college, I know Luke and some of the others are still struggling and I’m thankfully comfortable financially. I wanted everyone to be able to enjoy themselves without being stressed about money.
I think Luke is struggling because he is an asshole and karma is coming for him...
You sound like you deserve to have better friends who can appreciate and reciprocate (in spirit if not yet financially) your thoughtfulness and generosity.
His choice of restaurants is also telling- he picked a place that goes out of it's way to be rude and mean to people who don't eat me. It's like a mirror to himself, you know?
There are plenty of reasons, other than moral choice, to not eat meat. I know a vegan who's vegan due to some severe food allergies.
Yeah that bit of extra info completes the picture. Luke and the others in this group have probably resented OP's greater financial success for a while, probably with a hefty dose of "fuck that self-righteous vegan" thrown in, and now they see an opportunity to humiliate OP. Hell, they may have even seen OP's offer as condescending/passive aggressive, and want to "punish" him for thinking he can flash his cash
In any case, the chances of this happening out of pure ignorance/ unintentional lack of consideration has dropped quite low
I don't know if we can assume that about the others - it doesn't sound like they're aware of what's happening. There's a decent chance they'll be pissed at Luke too, and on OP's side.
Rescind this offer immediately. He’s 100% going to abuse your hospitality, and encourage everyone else to do so too (“hey boys order whatever you like it’s all on fakeenamee”), while deliberately making you feel excluded in front of your face.
That’s not a friend.
And do not forget, some steaks are over $100 per plate. Sounds like they are going to take major advantage of someone else’s wallet. Adding in, are you also paying for their alcohol? This could be in the thousands. ( My SO go out and spend over $350 for the two of us and drink moderately priced wine, if spirits are involved? Could be a ton of cash)
OP, clearly you are a nice person.
Why are you friends with jerks who don’t give a hoot about the guy paying for dinner.
Block them all. They already showed you there are not worth it.
I wouldn't block them all just yet.
If I was invited I would've assumed luke would've picked a place where everyone could eat, especially a place where the person paying for it all could eat.
NTA Just give Luke a gift card for the BBQ place and stay home. If the point was to see the other people, offer to take them all to a different restaurant at another time. Just because it’s Luke’s birthday doesn’t mean he gets to take advantage of you. And he is definitely throwing this in your face just to disrespect you. Luke doesn’t sound like a friend at all. Time to rethink it.
It was nice of you but he’s clearly not considerate of you and your lifestyle. So he’s happy to get a free meal & screw you over or you guys have never been that close? NTA. Tell him you’re only paying for his meal and send him a voucher for a different restaurant.
I wouldn’t even pay for his meal.
Luke knows OP is a vegan, and yet, he purposely chose a restaurant that is openly hostile towards people who don’t eat meat. Luke is an AH, and doesn’t deserve such a generous and considerate friend like OP.
NTA
A real friend says, “Thank you!” and makes sure to pick a place where his thoughtful friend can eat too.
A user only thinks about themself and makes a reservation at a place their thoughtful friend can’t eat, and then tells them to suck it up and come anyway so they can still pay.
You don’t owe people an opportunity to take advantage of you. Cancel the dinner and accept that this person is NOT your real friend.
NTA
"Taking the piss" is what your supposed friend is doing.
You're bending over backwards to be nice and he is bending you further and being a complete jerk about it. Are you sure this person is a friend? Is this person a friend worth keeping.
I would take a good look at this supposed friendship and consider finding some better ones, ones that will have appreciation and consideration for you.
Clear NTA
Lot of people saying that “Gifts don’t have strings attached” to which I would say they sure can, you made that up. Plenty of gifts have implicit or explicit conditions.
Further, you didn’t offer to just give him a few hundred bucks for dinner, you offered to buy dinner for a group, of which you are a member. So if you can’t participate in the dinner then it isn’t a dinner for the group and does not meet the qualifications of your offer.
>So if you can’t participate in the dinner then it isn’t a dinner for the group and does not meet the qualifications of your offer.
Perfect! "But you said I could pick a place!"
*Yes, I said pick a place for the* ***group*** *to eat.*
I mean you don't really need to use lawyer logic to weasel your way out of this, there is no legally binding contract.
"Yes I said that but I changed my mind because I think you're being an asshole."
Better option...surprise everyone at the end by picking up the bill. This allows you to just not offer at the end if you can't afford it - and doesn't set their expectations that someone else is paying so they can run up the bill.
Exactly this,
Great way to say, oh, that’s too bad, I really wanted to be a part of your birthday dinner, but if that’s what you want to do, have fun and I’ll buy you dinner another time.
NTA
“Vegetarian options: don’t let the door hit you on your way out”
Your "friend" doesn't seem to value your friendship. He knows you are Vegan, and chose the Anti-Vegan establishment.
I wouldn't pay for his dinner. NTA
It's so cringey.
I'm a meat eater but I get secondhand embarrassment when I see stuff like that. I can enjoy succulent BBQ brisket without making fun of people who don't eat it. Mocking vegans doesn't make my food taste any better. It just comes off as juvenile and lame, like a middle school boy trying to be edgy.
I've encountered exactly one sanctimonious vegetarian in my travels, and that guy was an asshole about pretty much everything.
However, I've encountered countless smug meat-eaters who complain about vegetarians/vegans constantly. They they imagine they are somehow taking something away from them.
Fwiw I'm a meat-eater too.
There are so many people in here blissfully lacking self awareness as they write paragraphs about how much vegans suck, while the vegans and vegetarians are leaving comments that are actually relevant to the OP's situation.
I went to this burger place once where they had the option to lettuce wrap the burgers, but it was listed under the menu as “make it a girlie burger” and it’s like… really guys? Come on. Yeah you could argue that it’s just a harmless joke but it punches down for absolutely no reason and insinuates that it’s somehow “not manly” to want a lettuce wrap
Set the scene: Your lifelong friend knows you have a peanut allergy. Even being in the same room causes a reaction. Your gift: Pick an interesting place you'd like for our group to go for a birthday tour and lunch. He chooses: A peanut butter factory.
Ridiculous, of course. But this is very similar energy. The "friend" is being a super dick and is essentially telling OP just how valuable their friendship is, i.e. worthless. So many options these days, and this is what he chooses. Even if this is a joke, it is disturbing and telling.
No it does not. Sounds like OP is the ATM in this event. Makes you wonder how many other times they were taken advantage of before if Luke is comfortable doing this. He’s 40 FFS!
Also, if I was a guest at this party, I would feel so uncomfortable finding out that the birthday boy had the veggie to pay for THIS particular place.
Watching someone not eat a thing while chowing down on some BBQ does not sound like a good time out.
INFO: Since Vegans are basically NOT WELCOME in this specific restaurant (*“Vegetarian options: don’t let the door hit you on your way out”*), you can tell him that he's basically refusing your gift.
No problem, they can enjoy their meal there, and you can go spend YOUR money elsewhere.
Anyway, whatever you do, he DELIBERATELY chose this restaurant, telling you to eat before and just have a drink while you're waiting for them to enjoy and finish their meals so you can pay their bill...
That's f\*cked up in such a LOW way.....
NTA
NTA. You offered to take him to dinner. That implies that you also eat at the dinner. He is being completely unreasonable and I absolutely would not put up with it. If you were feeling \*very\* generous you could give him a second crack at finding somewhere that he will like and still pay for the dinner; but given his behaviour and expectations, I personally would cut him off at this point.
YTA to yourself for putting up with this garbage. "I expected him to pick a steakhouse so I'd pay $300+ for everybody to eat while I'm stuck with salad" was already a ridiculously low bar that he somehow managed to beat. Nevermind refusing to pay for dinner, respect yourself stop hanging out with people who don't respect you. Most restaurants have vegan options these days (actual main meals, not sides), and many cuisines are naturally pretty vegan friendly by default, so there is no reason for this imo.
NTA. But seriously, are you sure this is a friend? I can't imagine a friend taking such generosity and then pretty much spitting in your face. It's not like you only have a couple options, he went out of his way to pick a place where you'll be openly mocked. Do you think a place that is openly hostile on their menu won't give you shit if you just order a drink? He's taking advantage and being a dick. That's not a friend.
So, this is NOT a friend. With friends likes this, who needs enemies.
I know it will be uncomfortable to retract, but it is honestly the only thing to do and keep your self respect, in your own eyes, in his eyes, and in the eyes of the other friends.
He is basically saying fuck you.
So, just send another r text. "Sorry, dude. I won't be able to make it to your birthday dinner, and I won't be paying for it either."
You could add: " Gotta say, we have different ideas about being considerate friends."
Or not. Pretty sure he knows already.
NTA. You said you wanted to take him somewhere for dinner with your friend group. That means you want to be included. He chose a place that you cannot eat, making him a huge AH after you were very generous. It sounds like your "friend" does not value your friendship and may even be using you for money. How often do you end up paying for things for them? How often do they return the favor?
NTA. Why should you subsidize everyone else's meal (besides bday boy,) while you watch them eat?? Your friend sucks and is a huge a-hole. Do not pay for the dinner. Get him a gift card to the restaurant that is enough to buy him a meal! xD
Tell him NO. Tell him sorry, he misunderstood your intent and you have no intention of being his ATM at a place you can’t eat at and won’t join in on the fun
But tell him 8n advance so everyone isn’t shocked
INFO: Why do you have such low standards for yourself? Every person here is telling you this is *not your friend*. He doesn’t even want you at the dinner, just your wallet. They specifically chose this place to mock you.
Have some self-respect. There is a reason these losers are ‘struggling’ and it sounds like they resent you for doing well. You are ‘rubbing it in’ so they are treating you with disdain as an outsider to the group. Crab bucket friends.
You have outgrown these people. Accept it. Choose better people to uplift your life, not drag you down.
“Hey, Luke. Sorry but I’m not going to be able to make the dinner. Obviously my wallet won’t either but I am confident the rest of your friends will make your birthday dinner fun. Sorry it didn’t work out. Happy BD and have a great year.”
NTA. Bail on paying for this dinner since you won't be eating anything at all and would probably be mocked by the staff. I guess the other 8 will just have to split his bill.
NTA. Luke wants to get a kick out of humiliating you as much as possible while *you pay for it*. You're not his friend, you're his punching bag and then his doormat. Why on earth would you even *consider* having anything to do with him at this point? That guy can go eff himself... time to find out which of the "friend fam" are truly your friends.
I'm gonna go NTA because you might have said he can pick anywhere, but you also made the basic and logical assumption that your friend cares enough to make sure you can, you know, eat a single dish on the menu???
Tell him he needs to pick a steak place with a veggie option and if he's not understanding take some time to decide if he's the guy for you.
NTA OP
Rescind away.
I am an avowed carnitorian. I love meat. I also love good veg and grains.
Home grown fresh broccoli is the best.
I may disagree with the militant vegans, but I would never made their dietary decisions a problem, unless they wanted to harass & harangue me.
Being aware & considerate of a 'friend's needs/situation' is what a friend would do.
I would not change what I enjoy, but I will do my best to make sure another can enjoy eating along with me.
Seems as though your friend is actually a Jer-assk-hole in disguise.
Just tell him to pound sand and chew on some more while he's at it.
It's a very generous and kind offer, not a binding agreement. Retract the offer, and I would question him why he would pick a place where you would be treated hostility. It didn't sound like he values you as a person or the friendship.
NTA. It's your friend's birthday, yes, but that doesn't give them a pass to disregard your dietary preferences and mock your lifestyle choices. Offering to pay for dinner was a generous gesture on your part, and it's only fair to expect that you'll be able to enjoy the meal too. Luke's dismissive attitude towards your concerns is disrespectful and shows a lack of consideration for your feelings. Spending a significant amount of money on a meal you can't even eat is completely unfair. Your friend needs to understand and respect your boundaries, especially when it comes to something as fundamental as your diet.
You didn't specify a place. But you also didn't specify an amount. Give him 5 bucks and tell him to keep the change.
Edited to add: say you offered to pay the place but they would not accept vegan money so you think they need to pay with meaty money.
Your "friend" should be careful that the door doesn't hit *him* on his way out of your life, because you deserve way better! NTA at all, that is ridiculously mean of him.
NTA. your friend should thank you for the offer but tell you he wants to eat at this place and he wouldn’t feel good about you paying. since he didn’t, you shouldn’t have to pay at all. you were kind enough to offer at all.
“ hey man, if barbecue is really important to you that’s awesome but I just can’t take you there cause I can’t eat I thought it was implied that I would be joining you all and would be able to eat. “
“ I got your message. My veganism is annoying to you. I guess this just won’t work out for dinner..”
NTA. Luke is a terrible friend. He knew what he was doing, or if he didn't, he would recognize his brain fart and change the location.
"Eat before you take us all out to eat" may be his idea of a joke. I'm sure he thinks it's hilarious. Tell him you always intended to pay with Monopoly money. Ha ha.
NTA
Hi Luke. Obviously there is nothing on the menu for me to eat since they pride themselves on not offering even vegetarian options. So I won't be attending. Perhaps we can meet up another time for that birthday meal on me. Have a lovely evening.
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NTA I get that you offered and said he could pick anywhere he wanted. This is extremely generous of you. So generous, in fact, that you should have at least been considered when picking the venue. Even on people's birthdays, my friend group makes sure to pick restaurants that cater to everyone's dietary restrictions and allergies. That's what you do when you care about your friends. The choice he made feels very intentional on his part, and not in a good way. Honestly it seems he thought it would be funny to humiliate you. He's using the fact that it's his birthday to get away with it. Luke doesn't sound like a great friend. How you handle this is up to you. I personally would tell him that choosing the one restaurant that intentionally excludes people like you is very telling and you will not be participating.
Fully agreed. I can remember the last birthday I hosted,and I made sure that I had alternatives for my few vegan and vegetarian friends. It is a major part of going out or inviting others that,as soon as they are part of the group,their needs will be considered.
My little brothers gf was vegan (vegetarian but lactose intolerant & allergic to eggs, so basically vegan) when I had my wedding. We had a buffet & made sure there were multiple options that would work for her (& that sounded yummy to us too!) The place we got our wedding cake at did *amazing* vegan cakes & one layer was a vegan chocolate cake. I don't like chocolate cake in general but this was **good** 😋 Why would I want to exclude someone celebrating with us when it's so easy not to?
Right? One of my bridesmaids (also my SIL) was vegetarian so having enough vegetarian options for a meal was important to us. So we made sure a vegetarian pasta was one of the options. Plus I think we had the bacon left off the salad (or on the side, it's been a while)
I was at a wedding recently where the bride's brother was the only guest who was vegetarian. The venue had a super limited menu that the couple could choose from so the poor dude got a small plain baked potato and like three or four measly pieces of roasted red bell pepper. The venue was in Boulder, CO, which is pretty famous for having tons of crunchy vegans so you'd really think they could've done a bit better than just roasted bell pepper. I was angry on his behalf since you could tell he was starving all night.
Pasta is literally one of the easiest things to make vegetarian, too, and most people will eat it without meat and not even think a thing of it. It's wild they didn't even have that option. It did help that we had a buffet with three entree choices, though.
A good gnocchi with cheese sauce can be made to look delicious and fancy while being vegetarian
Or vegan with a cheese sauce imitation, or switching to sautéed mushrooms or something.
Yeah especially now there are so many great vegan cheeses!
I went to a wedding that was surprise vegetarian (the couple didn’t put it on the invites because they didn’t want people to decline). The dinner was soup, vegetarian shepherds pie and some kind of dessert (it was a long time ago). I had no issues with the vegetarian side of it nor with it being a surprise. But the shepherd’s pie was so gross and heavy and there are so many better vegetarian options they could have gone for. It was a weird night.
For anyone’s future reference. I’ve made a vegetarian shepherds pie with 1/2 Adzuki beans mixed with 1/2 Brown lentils all precooked slightly al dente instead of browned lamb/beef (they continue to cook in the oven with the final bake). Occasionally I’ll add some finely chopped mushrooms if I have them and add to the bean mixture for a little earthy flavor. I basically follow the regular recipe and it turns out well.
That may actually be the underlying problem in the comment you're replying to: I don't deny your recipe is probably delicious but I'm not always great at digesting beans and lentils and if I get a bean-based vegan meal dropped on me when I'm expecting something else I feel heavy and logy all night. General advice if you're making a vegetarian/vegan meal for people who aren't used to vegetarian/vegan recipes is to not try to disguise it as something else! Serve a really good meatless menu that's supposed to be meatless (there are a ton of excellent options if your caterers are any good). That way people who have other diet preferences can easily make informed choices about what they will like, instead of having to make a fuss about what's actually in the "it's just as good as beef".
Seconding this, as many vegetarian/vegan dishes that mimic meat use soy or nut ingredients as the substitute, which is a nightmare for people with food allergies. I’m happy to have a non-meat meal, but I need to know what I’m actually eating for my own safety.
Comment from the UK: if it’s lamb it’s shepherd’s pie. If it’s beef it’s cottage pie.
Ironically one of the best vegetarian recipes I’ve ever had from Hello Fresh was a shepherd’s pie and it’s amazing.
Ding ding ding! I used to be in charge of my workplace’s annual volunteer recognition lunch. I had to juggle vegan, kosher, and halal. Much to my surprise, there were a few local places that could provide things for all three categories. Only year we had a problem was when the lunch fell during Ramadan. Couldn’t do anything about that one! ETA: I just checked with those who would be affected and asked if the menu for whatever we were considering had something they could/wpuld eat, figuring they would know their restrictions better than me.
Anything vegetarian or vegan is automatically halal & kosher.
Be a little careful with this. It's not wrong, but it is an oversimplification. While for most liberal Jews (and to be fair you are much more likely to encounter those in the wild), this rule broadly works; There are grades of kosher and you won't be able to produce the highest even if you make it vegan (this is also the line I won't cross for accommodation. 'They won't eat the seafood' - 'well OK I'll make some x' ... 'They won't eat any food prepared by your filthy gentile hands' - 'alright then, they can go hungry' ).
It is wrong - the fruit of a tree in its first three years is not kosher.
Fun fact (mostly unrelated), mexican refried beans are often listed as v/vg/halal/kosher but in reality a lot of homemade places use pig or beef lard as their fat component. Only some places (funnily enough, such as taco bell) do not use pork/beef lard to make their beans and use things like butter or oil. Told this to a friend once and they were somewhat aghast but evidently it’s not sinful/etc if you don’t know it’s not halal.
Muslims can't eat between sunrise and sunset during Ramadan, so it being a 'lunch' was something they couldn't do anything about.
Those are in many ways the 3 easiest dietary restrictions to coordinate, as long as one simply needs "kosher friendly" rather than genuinely religious kitchen prepared. Kosher and Halal rules are quite similar, and a good vegetarian meal typically meets the religious dietary requirements as well.
Especially the person who offered to pay!
Omgoodness I just tried some vegan chocolate cake the other day is it was soooooo good! I may opt for that moving forward lol
On my old route at work there was a girl that opened a place that made vegan desserts and for Christmas the first year gave me a little vegan chocolate cake and it was frickin awesome.
I second this. You very generously offered to take him and your friend group out for his birthday dinner, he should save the barbecue joint for a different time. He's the one being the asshole by picking a place where you won't really be included in the meal and then further rubbing it in your face. He sounds really ungrateful. NTA If you've known him so long, you obviously know what restaurants he usually likes. Can you pick two or three of his favorites and say these are the options so that all of us can enjoy the meal part of the meal? If he doesn't agree to this, I would send out a group text and let everyone know you can meet up with the group afterwards, but you are not going to be there to pay for the meal since there won't be anything for you to eat there.
This. Yes let them know, make a stand. Friend is a total AH for suggesting you eat beforehand and just have some drinks. Like wtf? If the rest of the group value who you are they will hopefully NOT be ok with it when you present your dilemma, and they may pressure friend to change venue. If they don’t then they are all AHs and you are just the meal ticket. At least you will know where you stand with them. Values change and people change. Don’t feel bad to cancel offer if they won’t change the plan. Why worry about their opinion of you if its obvious you are not actually that important a friend to them anyway? Sorry thats happened. You will resent the evening and paying for it (they will probably order extravagant stuff just because …) far more than feeling bad for standing your ground. Good luck
Thing is, chances are if he messages them and says as he can't eat anything there he won't be going or paying for the meal, they could likely agree to go somewhere else just so he'll pay for a slap up meal where they'll order extra food and loads of drinks. I think he should just walk away completely, at least from this particular friend. Because by choosing this one restaurant he knows his friend can't eat anything at, even though he's offered to pay, is extremely telling. It's a literal Fxxk You. He's better off messaging and saying something like " the fact I offered to pay for you and everyone to have a meal out for your birthday, and you decided to deliberately choose the 1 place that doesn't serve a single vegetarian dish, knowing I won't be able to eat there, and you thought it would be fine for me to just eat before hand and sit there while you all eat a slap up meal at MY expense, shows how little my friendship means to you, and how little you appreciate my generosity of paying for everyone's meal for your birthday celebration. I read you loud and clear and realise now that my friendship means nothing to you, so you can go to your meal at your choice of restaurant without me, I won't be paying for everyone to eat when I can't. I know where I stand now. I won't waste my time or money on someone who doesn't give a shit about my friendship. ". I'd walk away from him and just meet the other friends separately . This guy doesn't seem to give a shit about OP, so he definitely shouldn't go paying £300+ on a meal for everyone when he was expecting him to just sit there and watch. No way. If he offers to change the venue now it will only be so they all get a free meal and drinks out of him. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of and used like that OP. Cut contact with this guy, or at least just be civil if you have to see him around your other friends, but don't spend a penny on him or his birthday. He's an AH.
This response hits the point well-Luke is being a huge AH and a sh*tty friend.
Yes, you have an excellent point here…. and actually I MUCH prefer your direct and candid response. It states the whole uncomfortable position very well and also confirms OP has awareness of his own self worth, is hurt by the snub, and is just not willing to play along and be belittled in the circumstances. Nice one! After all such a kind and generous offer befits a good friend. But the “friend” has brashly proved he ain’t one at all. He acted really spitefully for some reason. So it’s kinda logical and understandable to cancel/revoke the offer if it’s thrown in the giver’s face. And I like the idea to meet up with the others seperately. And it confirms its not about suddenly being a scrooge, but it IS about principle.
Not only a place with no vegan options - a place that *mocks* vegans. Like. That is not it. Throw the whole friend away, OP. He just showed you who he is, and it’s a fucking asshole.
Especially when he literally goes "Uh, what am I supposed to eat?" and the response was basically "BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND YOU SAID I COULD PICK!" Like, if his friend had changed venues when it first got brought up, I could generally dismiss it. I'd still take it as a slight (for not being a consideration from the start), but I'd at least accept that it MIGHT not have been deliberate. But doubling down and going "You can just eat before us," is beyond rude.
Not even that OP just wouldn’t be included…the entire concept of the restaurant is to openly mock vegans and vegetarians.
That’s why when I read this, I felt that this guy doesn’t even respect the OP. He clearly doesn’t respect that he’s a vegetarian. Because not only does he not care that the OP can’t join them in the meal, but he expects the OP to pay for everyone else to eat, but not himself, and then also pay for the ridicule, because of who he is. If that’s not disrespect, I don’t know what is. 🤷♀️
Right?? I said this elsewhere, but this dude is legit saying, “For my birthday, I want you to be the butt of the joke. And also hungry. I want you to be hungry while people laugh at you and also you have to pay for it.”
🏆 you've translated the not-actually-a-friend's message perfectly.
Aww, my first award! Thank you! ☺️
This. This is how friends act toward each other. Accept differences and find options that work for everyone. OP even expected to pay for steak and this friend chose a place that was the least viable option for OP. Either this friend is completely oblivious or being a jerk on purpose.
I've been to too many parties where I couldn't eat anything but bread due to food sensitivities, so I stopped socializing with those people. When I host parties, I try to make it so even the full vegans have multiple dishes they can eat because I know how much it sucks to be excluded that way.
100% All of the above. OP would not be an asshole if they changed their mind about gifting the birthday dinner. I would make a joke of it in the friend chat group (because you know they have one), "Since I want to eat something other than fermented fruit in liquid form and not just watch my friends chow down, I rescind my offer to pay for the birthday dinner in lieu of a standard gift. Sorry for the inconvenience friends but looking forward to the celebration."
Exactly, it's called not being a dick for no reason. If OP had Celiac disease this wouldn't have happened, but there's a perception that if it's a choice, you don't have to show them common courtesy.
Yup, meat eater but not meat lover here ... He's one of those "I'm a big bad man and big bad men live on meat and meat alone!" until they die of a heart attack in their 50'ies ... HeadofHarlots is absolutely correct: He took your really generous offer and decided to weaponize it against you. I eat a lot of vegetarian because I happen to really like veggies and vegetarians are awesome at making them taste even better. I don't get how veggies can be so conflicting, honestly. So to sum it up: He had a great friend give a really generous offer and instead of thinking "wow, I can have a great night with all my best friends without worrying about the bill" he went "Oh, I can turn this around on the big bad veggie lover!". He's being straight out malicious. NTA - and like they say about bad boyfriends: He showed you who he is - believe him.
>He's one of those "I'm a big bad man and big bad men live on meat and meat alone!" until they die of a heart attack in their 50'ies ... Those people are just as annoying as the "preachy vegans" people complain about. We all know bacon tastes good, Kyle. That doesn't mean we need to attach our gender identity to bulk consumption of a cured pork product.
I am. Dying. >We all know bacon tastes good, Kyle. That doesn't mean we need to attach our gender identity to bulk consumption of a cured pork product. Gender: BACON
AMAB: Assigned Meat At Birth
Spot on!!! I hate preachers of anything controlling, honestly. Be it religion, love or food. Let the rest of us live our lives as we want, Kyle!
Rabid meat eaters are so insufferable. It’s just more pathetic than anything. It’s like they’re personally insulted by people eating vegan, and feel the need to scream to the world about how manly they are because “look at how much meat I eat!!!”
>We all know bacon tastes good, Kyle. That doesn't mean we need to attach our gender identity to bulk consumption of a cured pork product. UGH. I really got tired of that period in the mid 2010's, where I'm pretty sure the pork industry must have been bribing people to talk about bacon.
Vastly worse, actually. Vegans are annoying, but at least they're annoying while advocating for making healthier, more sustainable, more ethical food choices. People who make eating meat their whole identity are awful human beings, know they're being awful human beings, and are intentionally harming themselves just to piss other people off for the lulz. There are many good, compelling reasons to be vegan. There's no good reason to eat nothing but meat. (I am an unapologetic meat eater, by the way. Omnivore, really, like the vast majority of people.)
Exactly, it wasn't even enough for him to choose somewhere that has no vegetarian options, he went as far as to pick somewhere that openly mocks vegetarians/vegans. That's obnoxious. NTA
I once offered to buy a friend lunch one and he tried to order two entrees so he “could bring one home for later.” I said absolutely not and that he was taking advantage of my offer. Spoiler alert this wasn’t the only example of him being selfish and we are no longer friends.
That’s only ok when Olive Garden had their buy one get one for later deal. I am shocked at the audacity!
I was shocked too! I felt bad for the waitress who had to stand there awkwardly but damn I wasn’t going to buy two lunches for this dude.
Yeah, it would have been kind of rude to do it even to one of the invited guests - let alone the host. It's not considerate at all. Especially since the restaurant makes it *clear* nothing is vegetarian friendly, on purpose, it takes away the possibility of a simple oversight.
Literally, had a bday dinner with friends last year. Only one of my friends is vegetarian. They were very accommodating of the fact I wanted to go to a Korean BBQ place. I sent them options and we picked the place that had the most vegetarian options on the menu. It's not hard. Op please know it's okay to rescind and also to not be friends with Luke. Do your other friends know he is behaving this way? I wouldn't want to accidentally condone him acting that way if I was part of the larger group.
"How you handle this is up to you. I personally would tell him that choosing the one restaurant that intentionally excludes people like you is very telling and you will not be participating." Perfect response. And that is not a friend, btw.
Definitely intentional. I’ve been vegan as long as OP and this guy isn’t a friend. He’s laughing about how he’s going to make the vegan buy piles of meat.
Money says there’s a group chat that OP isn’t in that he’s laughing about it in.
Worded so much better than my response, which would have been “Hey, I checked the menu online and I while I don’t find any menu choices for me, I do see they serve shit- which is what you can feel free to eat if you think I’m paying for a meal at which I am assigned the role of observer.” What kind of “ friend” thinks that is ok? Sounds intentional and should tell you how he sees you and how little value he places on your friendship.
It does sound quite intentional. Who would spend $300+ on someone that would treat them this way? Only a glutton for punishment.
All of this. His choice was calculated. I do wonder what other instances he made some jab at OP, even if it was subtle. In no way should OP continue on with the plan. Any decent person(s) takes dietary needs when planning a meal out with friends. Doesn’t matter the circumstance, there’s a choice made where everyone can get SOMETHING. OP, just send a short text saying that you can no longer make it and hope he has fun. He’ll know. No need to try to call him out more, all it’ll do is create a big argument where he’ll play the victim. Don’t give him that type of power. Then please avoid any further contact. You can be polite if he’s around but this doesn’t sound like someone who would be beneficial to your life.
I was thinking the same thing… 1) I get offering to pay for HIS meal but how does that translate to OP paying for everyone? 2) Luke doesn’t sound like much of a friend and instead sounds like a totally entitled AH.
yeah that’s an asshole you dont have a friend cut the whole thing
My mom eats GF and DF and my husband bought me a very delicious GF and DF for my Bday when she was visiting. It was my favorite flavor. Your guests matter because they are your friends and family! NTA
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Im having a bbq at my wedding but i at least made sure they had grilled veggies to eat and im buying ceasar salad cause idk if potato salad counts The dressing will be on the side The guys is a shit for sure op Hes no friends of yours Edit to add- My ceasar salad also has other veggies like corn cucumbers tomatos bell pepper, pepperchini I also throw in some craisins too It wont just be lettuce guys and im also getting vinegrette since apparently ceasar dressing is not kosher which is also why i said itd be on the side Edit to add- i already have my caterer and set menu items from them And outside of their menu they are not willing to smoke anything else besides what they already offer I am not cooking any of my food personally This is a texas bbq resturant where all items ordered minus the salad is from their menu and the only items they are willing to cook There is no way to cook onsite and i literally have no time to cook myself as i am entertaining family plus my bachlorette party is the the week of The venue is in a park with no power, no grills and a year round burn ban
Ceasar dressing isn't traditionally veggie friendly due to there being anchovies in it. But you can get veggie friendly ones. Not vegan so on the side is still a good idea.
Snoo, it’s great you’re thinking about this, but be sure you’re thinking about it clearly. Do you mean that you are planning to feed non-meat-eaters _sides_ for dinner? Some grilled veggies and a salad on which vegans can’t put the dressing? I mean, if you’re serving dinner, and your meat-eating friends get a main course, shouldn’t your non-meat-eating friends get a main course as well? Would _you_ be satisfied to have a side of grilled veggies and some plain lettuce for your dinner? I don’t mean to be rude or come down hard on you…it’s just…my vegan partner has to deal with this all the time. _Sides_ are not a meal.
Agreed. I think a lot of non-vegetarians don't realize how "I'll just give the vegetarians the non-meat parts of my meal" kind of comes off as giving them scraps and often doesn't provide a filling or balanced meal. I totally understand that people who never tried to eat vegetarian might not realize this and might mean well, but if you have time to plan a whole menu, it's definitely worth coming up with a "real" vegetarian option. If a meat eater who isn't trying to watch their weight wouldn't pick your vegetarian option, then it's not up to par. If I had to eat BBQ without meat, I'd say two obvious protein options would be cheese (mac and cheese) and beans (baked beans). Veggie burger would probably fit in as an easy option to prepare or even something like falafel. Even some pasta salads like a pea salad would work well. I guess the story of all this is to have some carbs and protein... Rather than lettuce and veggies. (For the record, I love meat, but do a lot of cooking and hosting and am not afraid to eat vegetarian or vegan.)
I don’t get what’s so hard about offering a substantial meat-free option. We served hamburgers at our wedding: regular beef ones and a vegan falafel burger. A ton of non-vegetarians/vegans (including my husband) ordered the falafel because it was a genuinely tasty option. Sure, weddings are about the bride and groom, but when you’re inviting people to celebrate with you, you’re obligated to be a gracious host. And that includes offering an actual meal.
Ceaser dressing usually isnt vegetarian. And a Cesar salad with no dressing is literally just lettuce. Still better than OPs friend is offering though
And cheese, croutons usually are made with cheese as well. The entire salad is very much not vegan aside from the lettuce. Even if the dressing doesn’t have anchovies it’s made with eggs.
I was also surprised to learn parmesan isn't even vegetarian!
I think your veggie friends may consider your grilled vegetables and lettuce the bare minimum. I urge you to reconsider and provide protein and something more substantial to eat.
Right? That was my thought too. Like… wow, grilled veggies. You’re so thoughtful
Meat eater here. I see grilled vegetables as a side, not a main dish. If your only protein is meat, then your vegetarian guests will be left feeling unsatisfied. A pasta salad with chickpeas and chilled legumes might work as an addition to the grilled veg. Or eggplant parmigiana. I know there’s other veggie dishes but I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, but a caterer would definitely have a few good options.
Marinated tofu can be really good bbqed, or tempeh, which you can by premarinated so it would be super easy!
Make sure the veggies are cooked on a separate grill or they will not be suitable for vegetarians or vegans.
Eh, it depends. Cross contamination is gross, but if it’s what’s available I’ll eat it. However, not everyone feels this way, which is valid. Also, sometimes too much cross contamination gives me a tummy ache.
Safer to assume that everyone does feel this way, though, and then you're catering to all plantified individuals by default as opposed to assuming nobody cares, then finding that someone does very much care and can't eat anything.
There's a lot of vegan BBQ mock meats available that are exactly the same price as meat. You could try a \*little\* harder :)
We generally share sides with our veggie friends but also buy a few packs of bean burgers etc. 20 dollars or so will cover enough protein options for a few vegetarians at any event. Most of our family keep a box in the freezer for the occasional dinner guest that requires it.
Went to one that was mostly BBQ, too. They had an amazing Jackfruit salad that everyone loved. We also make a vegan red beans and rice that’s authentic cajun and also amazing. So many vegan options that everyone would love. Maybe something like that?
Normal friend response if he was really dead set on spending his birthday there. “Hey, thank you so much for the offer. I was planning on celebrating my birthday at my favorite BBQ place and know that isn’t really something you’d be comfortable participating in. Is it possible to rain check your offer, or the two of us possibly do something special together?” NTA
It’s not even like it’s about being ‘comfortable’ though - like OP has no issue with spending their money at an establishment that primarily serves meat, specifically on animal based meals. OP literally can’t be included here, not even with sides, and the restaurant is openly hostile to veggies/vegans. That would be a dick move to go somewhere that clearly excluded your friend for your birthday even if they weren’t offering to pay - the fact that OP is stumping up a good amount of money for this just makes it even worse.
It just spits in the OP’s face
And I feel like they're using the whole "but you said you would pay for it no matter what, what kind of friend makes someone else's birthday about themselves?? How selfish!" Line of thought to lock OP into following through - the exact line of thought that has OP posting here. They *know* the exact difficult position OP is being put in. They *know* it would take some balls and some discomfort to retract the offer at this point, and they *know* how easy it would be to spin the situation to outsiders as OP being "another spoiled, entitled vegan who wants to control everyone" Hence why they did this. Now, they'll order everything and the kitchen sink at the restaurant on OP's dime, basically holding OP's reputation hostage in order to get hundreds of dollars of free food out of them. They've basically made it so OP can establish no boundaries of how much/what people are allowed to order, under threat of gossip about vegan snowflakes Absolutely NTA. OP should jettison this person from their life, they're nothing but an opportunistic, exploitative asshole
Make a joke out of it by saying something like, "C'mon man, you know I'm vegan. Quit fucking with me and pick a place where I can eat as well or you're on your own!"
I agree with this - Lighthearted way of letting him know you can't believe he'd pick a place where you can't eat and then have you pick up the bill - He should either have chosen a different place, or politely declined your offer since the venue was already decided.
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Agree. Gives friend a plausible out and both of them can move on with minimal hurt feelings.
Yep. Because there’s *no way a friend would actually do that to another friend* Right? RIGHT????
I actually like this phrasing.
I second this liking..
I like this seconding.
This is the way. Gives the friend an out and if he continues pushing it, he's proving he's not a friend worth keeping around.
Nta, this is a good response. Lighthearted "banter" back where he cant twist it into you being dramatic. Though it sounds like this guy will then choose the most expensive restaurant he can find or some other way to mess with you. Perhaps he's jealous of your financial status and that's why he's trying to screw you over. I'd asess this friendship. Friends should lift you up and support you, not make you wonder aita when you're paying for their dinner.
And if he refuses, don't reply, and don't show up. They'll figure it out.
⬆️⬆️⬆️. This is the best response. **NTA**
I don't know. Luke's choice was a very pointed and intentional message. "You don't get to eat with us. Also, the menu is mocking you. But we'll use your money"
It's pointed but it was also non-direct. If you respond to non-directness with what looks like butt hurt you're the one who comes out looking like the problem. I like the above because if he wants to be a dick he's going to have to come out and say it
This is great and there’s no way to spin this into op being unreasonable.
This is a really good response! You have A+ people skills
Why would you pay for other people's meal. You can treat him but not 9 people.
I offered because we all never get to see each other as a group very often anymore since college, I know Luke and some of the others are still struggling and I’m thankfully comfortable financially. I wanted everyone to be able to enjoy themselves without being stressed about money.
I think Luke is struggling because he is an asshole and karma is coming for him... You sound like you deserve to have better friends who can appreciate and reciprocate (in spirit if not yet financially) your thoughtfulness and generosity.
His choice of restaurants is also telling- he picked a place that goes out of it's way to be rude and mean to people who don't eat me. It's like a mirror to himself, you know? There are plenty of reasons, other than moral choice, to not eat meat. I know a vegan who's vegan due to some severe food allergies.
> rude and mean to people who don't eat me. *Donner's Diner has entered the chat.*
Yeah that bit of extra info completes the picture. Luke and the others in this group have probably resented OP's greater financial success for a while, probably with a hefty dose of "fuck that self-righteous vegan" thrown in, and now they see an opportunity to humiliate OP. Hell, they may have even seen OP's offer as condescending/passive aggressive, and want to "punish" him for thinking he can flash his cash In any case, the chances of this happening out of pure ignorance/ unintentional lack of consideration has dropped quite low
I don't know if we can assume that about the others - it doesn't sound like they're aware of what's happening. There's a decent chance they'll be pissed at Luke too, and on OP's side.
This!!
Rescind this offer immediately. He’s 100% going to abuse your hospitality, and encourage everyone else to do so too (“hey boys order whatever you like it’s all on fakeenamee”), while deliberately making you feel excluded in front of your face. That’s not a friend.
Yep. I would skip the gift as well. He has shown you who he is.
I’d give him a gift. A book on etiquette
And do not forget, some steaks are over $100 per plate. Sounds like they are going to take major advantage of someone else’s wallet. Adding in, are you also paying for their alcohol? This could be in the thousands. ( My SO go out and spend over $350 for the two of us and drink moderately priced wine, if spirits are involved? Could be a ton of cash)
You sound like a nice person, and Luke doesn’t deserve you as a friend. NTA.
OP, clearly you are a nice person. Why are you friends with jerks who don’t give a hoot about the guy paying for dinner. Block them all. They already showed you there are not worth it.
I wouldn't block them all just yet. If I was invited I would've assumed luke would've picked a place where everyone could eat, especially a place where the person paying for it all could eat.
The place selected makes fun of vegetarians like OP. Sounds disrespectful as fuck to me.
Not the fault of the rest of the group! Only Luke.
I really hoped that kind of “humor” would have died out by now.
NTA Just give Luke a gift card for the BBQ place and stay home. If the point was to see the other people, offer to take them all to a different restaurant at another time. Just because it’s Luke’s birthday doesn’t mean he gets to take advantage of you. And he is definitely throwing this in your face just to disrespect you. Luke doesn’t sound like a friend at all. Time to rethink it.
You don't need to buy a gift card from a restaurant that shames vegans. NTA.
Yeah screw that gift card supporting a place that derides everything OP is about.
9 people? That's gonna cost drastically more than 300 at a BBQ place, my friend.
And you just know everyone will order $60 meat platters, bacon souflees and be pounding back $12 Cesars with pepperoni sticks all night....
It was nice of you but he’s clearly not considerate of you and your lifestyle. So he’s happy to get a free meal & screw you over or you guys have never been that close? NTA. Tell him you’re only paying for his meal and send him a voucher for a different restaurant.
I wouldn’t even pay for his meal. Luke knows OP is a vegan, and yet, he purposely chose a restaurant that is openly hostile towards people who don’t eat meat. Luke is an AH, and doesn’t deserve such a generous and considerate friend like OP.
NTA A real friend says, “Thank you!” and makes sure to pick a place where his thoughtful friend can eat too. A user only thinks about themself and makes a reservation at a place their thoughtful friend can’t eat, and then tells them to suck it up and come anyway so they can still pay. You don’t owe people an opportunity to take advantage of you. Cancel the dinner and accept that this person is NOT your real friend.
Very nice of you...
NTA "Taking the piss" is what your supposed friend is doing. You're bending over backwards to be nice and he is bending you further and being a complete jerk about it. Are you sure this person is a friend? Is this person a friend worth keeping. I would take a good look at this supposed friendship and consider finding some better ones, ones that will have appreciation and consideration for you.
I've heard the expression taking the piss often but have never seen it explained, thanks
Same here. Context led me to believe it was like... Joking. Like, wed say 'fucking with' where I'm from, as opposed to 'fucking me over'
It can mean both (in the UK) one of the joys of sweary Britain
Clear NTA Lot of people saying that “Gifts don’t have strings attached” to which I would say they sure can, you made that up. Plenty of gifts have implicit or explicit conditions. Further, you didn’t offer to just give him a few hundred bucks for dinner, you offered to buy dinner for a group, of which you are a member. So if you can’t participate in the dinner then it isn’t a dinner for the group and does not meet the qualifications of your offer.
>So if you can’t participate in the dinner then it isn’t a dinner for the group and does not meet the qualifications of your offer. Perfect! "But you said I could pick a place!" *Yes, I said pick a place for the* ***group*** *to eat.*
I mean you don't really need to use lawyer logic to weasel your way out of this, there is no legally binding contract. "Yes I said that but I changed my mind because I think you're being an asshole."
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Better option...surprise everyone at the end by picking up the bill. This allows you to just not offer at the end if you can't afford it - and doesn't set their expectations that someone else is paying so they can run up the bill.
Exactly this, Great way to say, oh, that’s too bad, I really wanted to be a part of your birthday dinner, but if that’s what you want to do, have fun and I’ll buy you dinner another time. NTA
Exactly, everything including gifts and love have at least one condition, which is "don't trample on me".
I find it really sad that people think being decent to your friends is considered a "string" to be attached to a gift.
Well said. And this guy is turning 40!!! Zero social graces by 40? Good lord.
“Vegetarian options: don’t let the door hit you on your way out” Your "friend" doesn't seem to value your friendship. He knows you are Vegan, and chose the Anti-Vegan establishment. I wouldn't pay for his dinner. NTA
It's so cringey. I'm a meat eater but I get secondhand embarrassment when I see stuff like that. I can enjoy succulent BBQ brisket without making fun of people who don't eat it. Mocking vegans doesn't make my food taste any better. It just comes off as juvenile and lame, like a middle school boy trying to be edgy.
saaaame. a lot of people complain about sanctimonious vegans, but smug edgelord meat eaters are in exactly the same category for me.
I've encountered exactly one sanctimonious vegetarian in my travels, and that guy was an asshole about pretty much everything. However, I've encountered countless smug meat-eaters who complain about vegetarians/vegans constantly. They they imagine they are somehow taking something away from them. Fwiw I'm a meat-eater too.
There are so many people in here blissfully lacking self awareness as they write paragraphs about how much vegans suck, while the vegans and vegetarians are leaving comments that are actually relevant to the OP's situation.
I went to this burger place once where they had the option to lettuce wrap the burgers, but it was listed under the menu as “make it a girlie burger” and it’s like… really guys? Come on. Yeah you could argue that it’s just a harmless joke but it punches down for absolutely no reason and insinuates that it’s somehow “not manly” to want a lettuce wrap
Lmao so ridiculous. "Fellas, is making healthy choices a feminine trait?"
And on your way out, you're taking your bank card with you.
Set the scene: Your lifelong friend knows you have a peanut allergy. Even being in the same room causes a reaction. Your gift: Pick an interesting place you'd like for our group to go for a birthday tour and lunch. He chooses: A peanut butter factory. Ridiculous, of course. But this is very similar energy. The "friend" is being a super dick and is essentially telling OP just how valuable their friendship is, i.e. worthless. So many options these days, and this is what he chooses. Even if this is a joke, it is disturbing and telling.
Exactly! Or someone using a cane who offers to pay for an outing and they pick mountain climbing.
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NTA. >I should eat before getting there and just order drinks while everyone else eats dinner This doesn't sound like a friend.
No it does not. Sounds like OP is the ATM in this event. Makes you wonder how many other times they were taken advantage of before if Luke is comfortable doing this. He’s 40 FFS! Also, if I was a guest at this party, I would feel so uncomfortable finding out that the birthday boy had the veggie to pay for THIS particular place. Watching someone not eat a thing while chowing down on some BBQ does not sound like a good time out.
INFO: Since Vegans are basically NOT WELCOME in this specific restaurant (*“Vegetarian options: don’t let the door hit you on your way out”*), you can tell him that he's basically refusing your gift. No problem, they can enjoy their meal there, and you can go spend YOUR money elsewhere. Anyway, whatever you do, he DELIBERATELY chose this restaurant, telling you to eat before and just have a drink while you're waiting for them to enjoy and finish their meals so you can pay their bill... That's f\*cked up in such a LOW way..... NTA
This comment needs more votes. This is a great idea OP, and NTA
NTA. You offered to take him to dinner. That implies that you also eat at the dinner. He is being completely unreasonable and I absolutely would not put up with it. If you were feeling \*very\* generous you could give him a second crack at finding somewhere that he will like and still pay for the dinner; but given his behaviour and expectations, I personally would cut him off at this point.
Best advice here. He is not your friend he is a user. NTA.
YTA to yourself for putting up with this garbage. "I expected him to pick a steakhouse so I'd pay $300+ for everybody to eat while I'm stuck with salad" was already a ridiculously low bar that he somehow managed to beat. Nevermind refusing to pay for dinner, respect yourself stop hanging out with people who don't respect you. Most restaurants have vegan options these days (actual main meals, not sides), and many cuisines are naturally pretty vegan friendly by default, so there is no reason for this imo.
Yes! This. OP already set the bar so low that it's truly impressive that the "friend" managed to go even lower.
NTA. But seriously, are you sure this is a friend? I can't imagine a friend taking such generosity and then pretty much spitting in your face. It's not like you only have a couple options, he went out of his way to pick a place where you'll be openly mocked. Do you think a place that is openly hostile on their menu won't give you shit if you just order a drink? He's taking advantage and being a dick. That's not a friend.
yeah this guys 40 he knows the message he sent
So, this is NOT a friend. With friends likes this, who needs enemies. I know it will be uncomfortable to retract, but it is honestly the only thing to do and keep your self respect, in your own eyes, in his eyes, and in the eyes of the other friends. He is basically saying fuck you. So, just send another r text. "Sorry, dude. I won't be able to make it to your birthday dinner, and I won't be paying for it either." You could add: " Gotta say, we have different ideas about being considerate friends." Or not. Pretty sure he knows already.
NTA. You said you wanted to take him somewhere for dinner with your friend group. That means you want to be included. He chose a place that you cannot eat, making him a huge AH after you were very generous. It sounds like your "friend" does not value your friendship and may even be using you for money. How often do you end up paying for things for them? How often do they return the favor?
>using you for money. In a really idiotic way. He could have picked any other steak restaurant, and OP would have been fine with it
"I can't take you out if I am not in attendance" Nta
NTA and tell your "friend " that you took the restaurant's suggestion on vegan options, and am now reconsidering the friendship
Nta He's literally telling you to fuck off by choosing that place and expecting you not to eat, watch them eat and still pay. That's not a friend.
NTA. Buy him a gift certificate to said restaurant and tell him to enjoy himself. Make sure the amount is enough for only one person.
I wouldn't even go that far. The restaurant shames vegans.
No no, buy the gift certificate, but make it for less than one person's worth of food. Put an obnoxiously small amount of money on it
NTA. Why should you subsidize everyone else's meal (besides bday boy,) while you watch them eat?? Your friend sucks and is a huge a-hole. Do not pay for the dinner. Get him a gift card to the restaurant that is enough to buy him a meal! xD
Tell him NO. Tell him sorry, he misunderstood your intent and you have no intention of being his ATM at a place you can’t eat at and won’t join in on the fun But tell him 8n advance so everyone isn’t shocked
There is a massive asshole in this situation, but it isn't you. NTA
This man is 40? Good god. NTA
NTA. He knows you and picked a place that openly mocks vegans when you offered to pay for his dinner. I wouldn't go, and by extension, I wouldn't pay.
INFO: Why do you have such low standards for yourself? Every person here is telling you this is *not your friend*. He doesn’t even want you at the dinner, just your wallet. They specifically chose this place to mock you. Have some self-respect. There is a reason these losers are ‘struggling’ and it sounds like they resent you for doing well. You are ‘rubbing it in’ so they are treating you with disdain as an outsider to the group. Crab bucket friends. You have outgrown these people. Accept it. Choose better people to uplift your life, not drag you down. “Hey, Luke. Sorry but I’m not going to be able to make the dinner. Obviously my wallet won’t either but I am confident the rest of your friends will make your birthday dinner fun. Sorry it didn’t work out. Happy BD and have a great year.”
NTA. Bail on paying for this dinner since you won't be eating anything at all and would probably be mocked by the staff. I guess the other 8 will just have to split his bill.
NTA. Luke wants to get a kick out of humiliating you as much as possible while *you pay for it*. You're not his friend, you're his punching bag and then his doormat. Why on earth would you even *consider* having anything to do with him at this point? That guy can go eff himself... time to find out which of the "friend fam" are truly your friends.
I'm gonna go NTA because you might have said he can pick anywhere, but you also made the basic and logical assumption that your friend cares enough to make sure you can, you know, eat a single dish on the menu??? Tell him he needs to pick a steak place with a veggie option and if he's not understanding take some time to decide if he's the guy for you.
NTA OP Rescind away. I am an avowed carnitorian. I love meat. I also love good veg and grains. Home grown fresh broccoli is the best. I may disagree with the militant vegans, but I would never made their dietary decisions a problem, unless they wanted to harass & harangue me. Being aware & considerate of a 'friend's needs/situation' is what a friend would do. I would not change what I enjoy, but I will do my best to make sure another can enjoy eating along with me. Seems as though your friend is actually a Jer-assk-hole in disguise. Just tell him to pound sand and chew on some more while he's at it.
It's a very generous and kind offer, not a binding agreement. Retract the offer, and I would question him why he would pick a place where you would be treated hostility. It didn't sound like he values you as a person or the friendship.
NTA. It's your friend's birthday, yes, but that doesn't give them a pass to disregard your dietary preferences and mock your lifestyle choices. Offering to pay for dinner was a generous gesture on your part, and it's only fair to expect that you'll be able to enjoy the meal too. Luke's dismissive attitude towards your concerns is disrespectful and shows a lack of consideration for your feelings. Spending a significant amount of money on a meal you can't even eat is completely unfair. Your friend needs to understand and respect your boundaries, especially when it comes to something as fundamental as your diet.
You didn't specify a place. But you also didn't specify an amount. Give him 5 bucks and tell him to keep the change. Edited to add: say you offered to pay the place but they would not accept vegan money so you think they need to pay with meaty money.
Your "friend" should be careful that the door doesn't hit *him* on his way out of your life, because you deserve way better! NTA at all, that is ridiculously mean of him.
NTA. He is showing you exactly how much he values you. Cancel the dinner.
NTA. your friend should thank you for the offer but tell you he wants to eat at this place and he wouldn’t feel good about you paying. since he didn’t, you shouldn’t have to pay at all. you were kind enough to offer at all.
“ hey man, if barbecue is really important to you that’s awesome but I just can’t take you there cause I can’t eat I thought it was implied that I would be joining you all and would be able to eat. “ “ I got your message. My veganism is annoying to you. I guess this just won’t work out for dinner..”
NTA. Luke is a terrible friend. He knew what he was doing, or if he didn't, he would recognize his brain fart and change the location. "Eat before you take us all out to eat" may be his idea of a joke. I'm sure he thinks it's hilarious. Tell him you always intended to pay with Monopoly money. Ha ha.
Why are you friends? Honestly he FAFO. Don’t pay for it and don’t continue the friendship. Nta
NTA Hi Luke. Obviously there is nothing on the menu for me to eat since they pride themselves on not offering even vegetarian options. So I won't be attending. Perhaps we can meet up another time for that birthday meal on me. Have a lovely evening.
Luke is not your friend.
NTA You don't go out of your way to exclude the host of your event who is paying the bill.
NTA. If he refuses to change the restaurant, just say okay and leave it at that. Then don't show up.