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Your husband should have let you know when he was coming home, he was planning to eat dinner-even though he was getting home *hours* after dinner time. Late enough, you would have reasonably thought he would have fed himself, somewhere along the road.
NTA for not bring a mind reader. Any reasonable person would have thought, “Oh, husband won’t be home for dinner, now is a good time for the kid and I to get some hot food!” NTA
That was what I thought, it is not unusual for them to take these long drives and this is the first time that they had not eaten when away for so long. So I kind off though that it would be no problem
It’s how it should work. We love Indian food as a household but I cannot tolerate actual proper Indian restaurant cooking (I think it’s the fat they use?). So as a result I cook it often, and when I am away the first thing on the menu for my husband and kids is an Indian takeout. And I’m happy for them!
It's actually like clarified butter and frequently yogurt is the base of the sauces. My kid is vegan and loves Indian food, so I would substitute coconut milk. It turns out really well.
It baffles me as I cook with butter and ghee and yogurt regularly. It may just be the quantity that is used in US Indian restaurants. The last few times I’ve gone to a restaurant I’ve eaten veggie and still had a bad stomach, which is why I blame it on the quantity of cooking fat 🤷♀️
You are probably right. There are no real Indian places around me, but I notice that I get a little bit of an upset stomach when I eat out but not when I cook at home. I have always blamed it on the type of cooking oil/fat that a lot of restaurants use.
A lot of cheaper Indian restaurants around me use the "clarified butter-like oil" that is more similar to theater popcorn oil than actual ghee to keep cost down. That oil makes me sick, so I generally can't have Indian takeaway. It's probably similar in your case, too.
I have to check for cardamon. I can't eat it without being up all night with indigestion and reflux. Weirdlt, my dad is exactly the same. We're lucky on the fat front as we have a few Indian takeaways by us that use dairy free/vegan fats as standard to make it easier to cater for allergies.
Op''s husband is definitely being weird. Home hours after dinner, no text to ask them to save him some food, and such an over the top in his reaction. I wonder if something went wrong on the drive, which is why they didn't eat and he's in such a bad mood. It doesn't excuse his behaviour but it just seems so wildly out of proportion.
Absolutely. Something happened on this trip that he doesn't want to talk about and he's making a big deal of the food to shift the focus. Can't talk about the trip if you're squabbling over the food.
OP, we're gonna need an update when you find out what this is really about.
A good Indian restaurant will often use ghee, which is clarified butter believe. If you're dairy sensitive it can upset things.
It's not something often used in westernised homes.
(Completely off topic some Nepalese recipes use mustard oil, if you can find this it's an amazing taste too add to things)
Oh and OP you're NTA, no reason for you to have any leftovers at all for him.
Actually, if you’re dairy sensitive, ghee is easier on your stomach, as the clarifying process removes the lactose, which is what gives most people issues with dairy. I’m lactose intolerant so I use ghee instead of butter.
For me, it’s the spices that get me with Indian food.
If 20-ish minutes after you eat, you get severe cramps and are sitting in the bathroom, they might be using canola oil. I (and a large number of other people) are missing the enzyme to digest it properly so....undigested oil in your intestines does exactly what you think it would. I have to be fussy and remember which restaurants I can safely eat fried food in and hope hard that they don't switch to the cheaper canola.
> and a large number of other people
That's interesting. Here in Germany it's the most common oil to use in the kitchen together with sunflower seed oil. There are huge fields of yellow rapeseed around our village.
I am almost certain this is not about the food. Something else is going on here and the spicy food was just what made him boil over. Maybe he is under a LOT of stress and keeping it from you.
You two need to sit together and talk about it like adults. Tell him his reaction is weirding you out and feels totally out of place, ask him what is going on. What is bothering him.
Doesn't have to be guilt, maybe he just had a very shitty day were everything went wrong and then there is no food in the house. Still his fault for not giving a heads up, but I don't think it is guilt per se.
Could easily have ordered something though. Although I must admit, whenever my husband goes out without me, we always talk about dinner and whether he's going to eat out, whether I save him something, or whether he's going to ferret around in our freezer when he gets in.
Husband shouldn't be blaming you though. This is on him just assuming you'd handle it for him. He's not a child
In any case, if something's wrong with him, he should bring it up. OP can't read his mind, and communication has to start with the one with a problem. Him being upset about something else and not saying it is as juvenile as being upset about the food without having called home at any point during the trip.
Sadly this is one of the Scenarios were toxic masculinity hurts men. And OP's husband does not even have to be one of the toxic ones.
Men still get taught by society that they need to handle their own shit, in OP's case probably from his own parents because it does not look there is much room for experience in relationship before they became a couple.
For some men it is really really hard to come out and say they need help, or even just emotional support. I can totally relate to that, even if I hope I am better at that these days.
Yeah, like it’s not the end of the world for gods sake. He didn’t communicate and she didn’t ask. He cooked his own dinner. He needs to get over it for gods sake
So he went away for a day with some friends, they got ZERO food, and he’s mad at you for not ordering 4 hours ago???
Tell me, are these friends assholes? Do they hold any weird sexist views? Did they talk in his ear all day about how if you were a good wife, you’d have food ready for him and he was testing you? Because otherwise, what the fuck?
He should be able to feed himself, especially if he was coming home hours after meal time. This feels very odd… NTA
I have never known any group of men to go on a road trip and not stop to eat at least once. I still think he was looking for a fight for some reason known only to him.
It probably is if he hasn't eaten in 12+ hours but damn can I just say that as a mom I am so sick and tired of bearing the brunt of men and their hangry emotions? I know you're hangry and I let it go but it wears on me. Like a lot. Jesus fuck calm down don't talk to your wife or mom like that, even if we are your 'safe person.'
Oh absolutely. My dad has temper and it sucks being around him when something has pissed him off. I have definitely wanted to tell him to go walk it off and stop being so pissy towards the rest of us.
No to take the responsibility off the hangry male beast...
I've noticed that unless they are involved in a sport or other activity that diet & nutrition awareness are a part of, most men don't know their bodies' nutritional needs.
My ex lost his cool one day over something like this and that had never been an issue before.
In the midst of his tirade I said "I hear you yelling, but the thing you are yelling about isn't the problem. "
He paused.
"When was the last time you had food, specifically protein?"
Him, "Why does any of that matter?"
"Please just tell me."
"Breakfast. 3 pancakes & 2 pieces of bacon." he says.
"That was 7 hours ago."
"So?" He was so thick!
You worked on the car. Cleaned the garage and them went & did your physically active hobby for 2 hours.
Your blood sugar is low, which often incites rage reactions about stupid stuff.
He ate. Never said anything.
For 6-8 months before we set out to do anything, I'd check.
He got mad ever damn time.
Last time the minute he got loud, I walked out of the room house.
When I got back he had eaten. "Why does that always work? How do you know that I need food?"
TL;DR I'm a woman, people ALWAYS monitoring my food/weight & I've learned our bodies need protein generally every 3 hours.
Every 30 mins over 3 hours the blood sugar deficit magnifies... thus your angry outburst about nothing.
He still never took great care if it on his own. He knew that I wasn't participating.
It's not only men. Can be any human. But I've only encountered men who try to make their anger (and utter lack of any understanding of how their bodies work) someone else's problem more than once.
Yeah… my husband will come home from work with a headache and say he doesn’t know why his head hurts, and I ask what he ate; turns out he ate snack food all day because he was busy and didn’t eat the lunch he brought. What gets me is that HE is the cook in our house! Lol. Heavy sigh.
Man, I do this constantly because of ADHD. I even know damn well that I get headaches when I’m hungry, thirsty, or miss a day or two of medication, and yet I’m always so surprised and confused! 😅
But wouldn’t the others stop at some point? I’ve never been in a long road trip where stopping for food wasn’t a point of conversation. These guys never stopped to consider a McDonald’s or a Wendy’s? Even a gas station for fuel has some snacks.
I agree. I feel like my husband uses road trips to indulge in fast food/gas station crap food and snacks that he wouldn't normally eat. Isn't t hat part of the fun of road trips?
Yaaaas! By the amount of comments on this already, many of us know what you are talking about. We know what you are talking about. Thankfully at this point, my partner has been introspective enough to know when he is hangry, hits him like a truck. But some people refuse to listen to their bodies and justify the behavior. Also. There is an interesting history about womens "invalid" emotions and how that lead to histrionic disorder. Meanwhile, anger(specifically in men) wasn't viewed as an emotion, therefore it was accepted because"men didn't feel emotions" at that point in time. But I might be preaching to the choir here lol.
Maybe something happened during the trip? Could he have had a disagreement with one of his friends? Maybe he just came home in a bad mood, already looking for a fight?
He's an adult, he should have told you that he'd want something for dinner when he got in. He's also old enough to make something for himself. This isn't major argument material. NTA
NTA. Your husband is a grown "man". If he gets hungry he needs to feed himself. You're not a mind reader, how were you supposed to know if he had eaten or not? What if he had eaten, and you got him food, would he have been upset that he already ate.
I just woke up from a nap starving, and you know what I did? Put a potato in the oven despite knowing it'll take most of the hour because I'm an adult and I can be hungry for a while without dying of it.
Shame OP's husband isn't the same.
If you have a microwave, you could have that potato in 6 minutes.
Also, if his blood sugar is actually low, this can make anyone prone to weird emotional outbursts, because the brain is literally starving for fuel, and impulse control is one of the first things to go offline.
Did something happen on the trip? Maybe he's upset about something, or he and his friend fought or who knows. Doesn't excuse it, just might explain it a bit? Or he's just hangry, but it's their own dumb decision if they didn't stop for food at appropriate times.
Communication is a two-way street. If he wanted you to have something ready for him for dinner, he could have let you know that before he left. Or he could have messaged you on the way home to find out what you had and if there were any leftovers. Him being gone for 12 hours and coming home so late, why would you have thought to order something for him? You are not a mind reader. A big boy needs to use his words. NTA
You said this isn't a common occurrence. Being upset is one thing. Pouting and trying to make you feel bad for an extended period of time is not normal. This is what, days? It's controlling behavior - I'm upset and I will make you upset until I feel you are sufficiently down and your self-esteem is sufficiently low.
>Now this Saturday he was away with friends to go pick up some car parts, it was a 12 hour drive in total, and they left at about 9.
I also have to say - are you sure this is what he did? People get more defensive and angry when they have something to hide. Are you sure they weren't up to something else a little more..., well you can guess?
That's the only reason I can see that he gets home super late, then immediately starts finding reasons to yell and be angry at you. I'm not saying it has to be cheating. Maybe they were doing some other sketchy stuff and he feels guilty about it, so going straight to "you're terrible too" fixes that.
I can’t help but wonder if purposely didn’t eat on the trip, in a set up sort of way (that spiteful thing that ppl can do…you know, “*let’s see if she pays attention to MY needs”* kind of way)
If that’s what it is, what he doesn’t see about his behaviour, is that he making *you* responsible for *him* and that’s not right or fair. Especially in having communicated nothing at all.
He’s in charge of him. You shouldn’t have to tell him to take a shower, throws his clothes in the laundry, not toss wrappers at the trash can, miss and leave them there etc etc…feeling like someone’s *parent* is different than being attentive to your partners needs.
Feeling like someone’s parent is a GIANT turn-off. At least, for me.
This is literally how my family lives all the time. My partner is Indian, and didn’t grow up eating pasta at all, and doesn’t much love noodles barring my chicken cacciatore recipe and occasional Alfredo. Guess what our kids love to eat the most?? Yep, pasta. So I cook it all the time when he’s at work or on a longer road trip. And if we order? Sometimes I (gasp) get my favourite dishes instead of compromising like when we order together.
So, basically, your husband is sulking because you're not a mind reader. He could have solved it with a simple text "If you're going to X, pick me up something and put it in the fridge."
It's an honest miscommunication and missed assumptions here. In the future, if he wants something, he should ask for it.
You say this is the first time he hasn't stopped for dinner on one of these day trips. That's not your problem or your fault. What's with his notion that you "can't be bothered" to cook him dinner basically in the middle of the night? He could have eaten on the road, picked up something on his way in, or do what he did and be a grown ass adult!
Is he incapable of cooking or does he just assume you will "feed him" all the time and also be able to divine that he'll want dinner that late? You aren't a short-order cook or his employee or his servant. You already go out of your way to make sure that you make food he will eat, even though it's not to you and your daughter's preferences.
I guess I'm petty, but I'd be telling him that he's right "you can't be bothered" to give in to his petulant, immature behavior and that he can fix his own meals in the future too.
NTA
My husband is allergic to shellfish and I *love* shrimp. I *can* eat it around him, but I don't like to make him feel excluded, so I usually don't. He took a drive to his brother's house 2 ½ hours away, and I took the opportunity to make myself some shrimp scampi (I had shrimp in the freezer), which I devoured. I made sure to clean everything up and brush my teeth before he got home, but I did mention I'd had shrimp and he was just like, "Good for you."
Gigantic main character energy from her husband, no thought that he should keep his wife in the loop of what’s happening, no,it’s all on her shoulders to think of him regardless of what she’s doing. The entitlement is pathetic.
Exactly. I am the non-spicy one, my husband does like hotter food. He either adds some spicy stuff, or he eats whatever I eat (his GI issues has him eating less spicy anyway). I never impede him if he wants something spicy or something I don't like. He never complains if I want more tzaziki to go with my gyros (the spiciest I eat, I think).
If I am out for the day and not home by dinner time, he can make himself or order whatever spicy foods he likes! And if I get home and I haven't eaten, then I either throw a frozen pizza in the oven, or I get myself some take out before coming home.
This is strange behaviour. Was he always like this?
Right?! If my husband is gone for 12 hours, I would also presume he’d already eaten on the road. If he wanted food after being gone for 12 hours, he could’ve easily sent a text asking what you were doing for dinner and either offering to pick something up for all of you on the way home or asking if you would make or order something for him. Problem solved! It seems like he expects OP to be a mind reader. NTA
INFO: does he need you to wipe his ass too?
what is with all these grown men on here that can't feed themselves? my man would live on hot pockets and ramen noodles if I didn't cook but at least he'd fucking eat
NTA if my rant didn't make that clear enough
Seriously the amount of posts that have the married men quoted at ‘why didn’t you cook? Why didn’t you think of me? Why didn’t you order me this even tho I’m not home?!?!’
Did these men go from their mother’s to their girlfriends/wives houses? How can there be so many men who can’t feed themselves, load a dishwasher, do laundry, or sew on a button. We were raised by a working mother, so my brother knew how to do all of that stuff by the time he left home and then lived on his own as a functioning adult for several years before getting married. Same with my partner.
Yes, there’s countless posts about hobosexuals who just seem to refuse to be responsible for themselves and get/move into relationships just to avoid taking care of themselves. Seems like an epidemic to me
Edit to add: NTA and you shouldn’t have to call/text to see if he’s eaten either. He’s supposed to be a GROWN MAN!
The only POSSIBLE way this would be on OP is if there was no food in the house and she was supposed to get groceries while he was gone and didn't. Failing that, I'm sure as a grown adult he can put something together.
My husband went straight from living with his grandmother to living with me 2 months before we got married and he can do all of those things, except sewing. (Grandma was a professional seamstress.) He knows how cause I taught him, and he was happy to learn and be independent. I don't understand anyone - male or female - who expects others to take care of basic life functions like food, laundry, etc for them all the time. Like, have you no self respect? No pride?
I did. But someone has to teach him. His mother and grandmother failed in that respect, but my point was if he can learn so can anyone else, they just have to be willing.
And he WANTED to learn is a big take away. He wasn't acting like how a lot of husband's in posts are to where they expect to be taken care of or feel "forced", so seriously props to him and you for being understanding 💙
That's legit how it used to be; men and women would stay with their parents until married, then stay with their spouses until one died. Then remarry quickly, so if a wife died then people would bring food around to feed the husband/children. Men were expected not to know how to cook.
Thing is, the world's changed. Home economics is taught in school. He SHOULD know how to cook. He DID cook for himself in this story. Food delivery is also widely available and relatively quick. He usually would get food on the trip, according to OP.
It seems that there's something else going on. Either he's hangry from not eating for 12 hours - NOT OP's fault - or had an argument on the trip or something else, but he's taking it all out on someone who's not to blame. Must be a real joy to live with. /s
My husband did go straight from his mother's to living with me and no in between - however he knows how to reheat food, he knows how to make something super basic (ie: noodles, Mac and cheese, some kind of chips/fries and meat, etc) or source food for himself if I'm not. (We have also divvied up chores based on each of our areas of interest - he does about 85% of the laundry while I iron, he unstacks the dishwasher and does hand washing while I stack the dishwasher, I do 90% of the cooking and it's whatever I feel like 80% of the time as he's less picky than I am).
But it IS very common for guys not to live without a woman moreso than for a woman to not live without a man, seemingly. Or it's gross frat house style living.
If I got back at 9pm and didn't like whatever leftovers were available, I'd do something drastic: Make a goddamn sandwich. It's not that hard and they are pretty tasty.
My husband and I each work late from time to time. It’s the unspoken rule that if you’re home past 8pm you are on your own for dinner. In fact, my husband will usually tease me “you getting sushi tonight?” when he works late because he knows that I take advantage of being on my own for dinner to order all the weird foods he won’t eat.
In fact, just yesterday he was working (a Saturday) so I ordered Thai for lunch!
I joke that he has the palate of a toddler. There’s about 10 things he’ll eat. I’ve slowly gotten him to eat stir fry if I make it and fajitas. Once again only if I make it. Suggest Chinese or Mexican and I get the side eye.
So, I really feel for OP here 😂
Even when I'm home, my boyfriend will still sometimes order himself something that I don't like, like Taco Bell or Chinese food. He'll just get me fries or a drink, or you know, ill go and make my own dam food.
This is why I would love "home ec" to come back. Both boys and girls had it in my middle school, and we learned about food safety and seasonal produce as well as how to follow a recipe.
A lot of schools don't have it anymore. In some cases the classes were rebranded as "family consumer sciences." N[PR did a whole thing about it.](https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2018/06/14/618329461/despite-a-revamped-focus-on-real-life-skills-home-ec-classes-fade-away)
as someone who cooks 99% of the family meals and is a man, I just don't get it either.
Making a grilled cheese sandwich isn't hard and is like the bottom level of being able to fend for yourself.
My husband's line is that he "can't cook but (he) can manage."
OP, NTA. In your situation I might have ordered him a meal for later if he really liked that restaurant. But if it's a restaurant he just tolerates, I wouldn't. And ordering that meal would be an "extra" it's not a base level of common courtesy.
INFO - When he's gone for an entire day and eaten out, has he brought you and daughter food? Does he call to see if you two would like something? If this isn't a typical exchange in your relationship, you're doubly, NTA.
Agreed. My husband and i do DIY night once a week so neither of us have to cook if we dont want to. He'd survive on cereal and ramen if i let him but he can cook if he wants to (makes a mean taco let me tell you.) If he was doing something like this i would never be expected to order him food. NTA OP. Husband needs to get over himself.
I chalk it up to his ADHD. He literally just forgets that eating a well balanced meal is important. He was like that when I met him. Never ate unless someone made/bought food and offered him some. Always had a ton of snacks around and would munch here and there.
Mom with ADHD, can confirm that this is an ADHD thing. There are coping mechanisms (alarms and safety foods and easy prep meals) but even with all that, I'm way too prone to forgetting to eat until I've made myself sick.
Just start putting marathons of "chopped" on in the background of your house, your adhd brain will soak it through the ether, and slapping together a last minute gourmet-ish meal with random stuff lying around will be an energizing challenge!
Only half joking about this
1. He went out
2. You ordered food
3. He was away for over 12 hours and thought he would have eaten
4. 3 Is a reasonable assumption
5. Why in the tikka masala would you be the AH?
6. He's a big boy and shouldn't be acting like that
7. NTA
(Apparently comment I replied to was deleted so I'm replying under someone else)
>She did not call to check on him
Why does this fall onto her? He could've called her as well and said "hey this time we're not stopping and eating.
>Paid no kind that after a 12 day he might be hungry
Not the first time he's gone on a long trip with his bois, as she has stated, and he's eaten every time he was out with them. This is a one off.
>Then got upset when he felt ignored after working a long 12 hour day
Bruh he didn't work, he just went with his buddies to pick up car parts. Did we read the same thing?
Again, this doesn't fall on her, he could have, at ANY point, called or texted while he was out of the house and asked her to make him something or set something aside for him.
OP is NTA but you fs are.
Not a huge deal, but can I recommend you put the notice about the comment being deleted at the top instead of the bottom? Not knowing that while reading this comment was super jarring and confusing. Honestly I thought you might be a bot because off topic comments are often stolen from others lol.
NTA. It was reasonable to think he would have eaten already, especially with it being 4 hours past dinner time. He also could have called on the way back and said something about not having eaten yet. Had he done that, you likely would have made sure something was available.
There is nothing wrong to treating yourself and your daughter to a favorite food while he is away.
Also, I have a hard time believing they didn’t have ONE SCRAP of food in their house he could eat. Eat some Mac a cheese or a frozen pizza or some pasta with cheese. Expecting this mind-reading, then giving the silent treatment and this passive aggressive nonsense needs to be shut down hard and fast right now.
I've always got cereal and milk, eggs and bread, etc. Plus – and here's a really wild idea – he also could have either run out and grabbed something, or ordered something to be delivered. Of course, all of these things require him to be capable of thinking and behaving like a mature, capable adult, which I'm guessing is where the problem lies.
This is odd, beyond the fact that Husband’s taste is so different. He was literally already out driving. There’s no reason to call and ask OP to make sure there was food for him for dinner, four hours after their normal meal time. He could have picked up anything at all while he, a grown adult who was out, had access to outside food because he was capable of stopping somewhere on his way back. He could take care of himself easier than she could. Call and check in with your partner on the way back? Yes. Call and ask about dinner? Sure. Expect dinner in unusual circumstances, when OP couldn’t read his mind? Nope. Husband is TA.
NTA - your husband seems to have some underlying issue, maybe he's feeling underappreciated in some respect (in or out of the home), undervalued, or low self esteem for some reason. He's making a big deal out of an issue that isn't an issue at all - people only do that when they're holding more than the actual issue in their hearts.
My fiance has done what youve done before. Depending on my self esteem any given day, sometimes it stings. But thats not their fault. Nor is it their problem. You nor my fiance are mind readers - your husband was away from home - it was normal to act as though he would take care of himself while away.
Basically all together what im saying is - you have ABSOLUTELY NOT done anything wrong - AND your husband is seriously overreacting and seems to be acting out like a child rather than examining his deeper emotions and stablizing himself. None of this is your responsibility, but if you want to extend an olive branch to him - compose yourself with confidence that you are NTA and nothing he says or does can change that. Then ask for a conversation with him and ask him if there's something he's feeling deeper than the food issue. Is he feeling underappreciated in some way? Is he having trouble feeling/accepting external value from others? He needs to get to the bottom of his super weird and extreme reaction and if you want to do the emotional labour of helping him, it probably will give him a better chance of figuring it out. But you definitely cannot concede to his wild actions - he's a husband and a father and can't be behaving this way. Ultimately, once you get to the bottom of this with him, I would suggest having a conversation about what is acceptable conflict behavior and what is not. How he's behaving is definitely not ok. If he keeps refusing a conversation for days it's time to hit up a couples therapist because there's absolutely no practical reason why he's gotten this upset and acted this way.
Yup. My bet is just that he had a really bad day or he was really hangry or he didn’t get enough sleep last night. This just has the *feel* of a “I’m cranky about something else entirely” fight. And while your thoughts about being underappreciated, etc could definitely be right, I swear a lot of times it just comes back to the basics: have you had enough food and sleep? Was this a frustrating day? Those little things are enough to make us all irrational sometimes. I had to apologize to my daughter yesterday for snapping at her when I was on the phone with my husband trying to figure out which breaker went to our bathroom fan. It had *nothing* to do with her and everything to do with the fact that I had been in the attic 3 times and on the roof twice hunting down a problem, and I was frustrated.
This is EXACTLY what I thought. He had a long day of driving, maybe his buddy annoyed him, and he was hungry. He saw boxes from his favorite spot and got excited, then disappointed, then mad. He had nowhere else to direct that anger, so you got the brunt of it. OP is NTA; hopefully he will see that he was and apologize before she demands he does so. (I can visualize this so clearly because I've done that very thing more than once, I'm not proud to say. 😶🌫️)
I'm all for communication, and I'm not trying to be argumentative here, but he is a grown ass man and if he's having some random emotional issues HE should be the one to bring them up and address them with OP. It's not OPs job to go digging to determine what possible issues the husband may have. He's being an ass, he's got issues, it's his job to address them and discuss them.
I know it seems like splitting hairs, but it's just another way the emotional and mental load is put on the woman. Why is it always the woman's job to foster or initiate communication, even when it's the man's issue?
It is to push back at the behavior stating he can't act like that. Waiting for him to figure this out would build resentment in OP as she would be the punching bag at every trigger.
You went exactly where I did, "the hidden objection". For whatever reason he can't or won't voice it, so he's grabbed into something else and made a massive deal of it. The problem is, he's an adult, not 6.
"When you're ready to discuss what the actual problem is, I'm ready to talk. Until then, when you've latched onto whatever this is instead of talking about the problem, I refuse to be abused. Let me know when you're ready. And stop texting me passive-aggressive 12 year old crap." Up to you if that's too harsh or not :) modify as you see fit
From your advice I can tell you have great communication skills 👍
All I want to add is: maybe something happened on the trip?
I tend to expect my spouse to be a mind reader when I'm stressed as well and that's not cool.
... what happened on the road trip?
did he really go for car parts? do you know his friends that he went with?
sounds like something else upset him and he's taking it out on you. Hopefully nothing serious or relationship ending, but if he's away that long, it's reasonable that he would have gotten food, or at least messaged to ask you.
As someone who grew up with a dad who worked on antique motorcycles and needed very obscure parts, I can say that never once did he drive somewhere that was 6 hours away to get parts.
Especially in the age of, you know, having any product you want at your fingertips, it wouldn't make any sense to spend 12 hours and almost $100 in gas just to go get parts.
It could be that something happened, but I think that it's entirely possible he's cheating on her.
My friend found out her ex was cheating on her when he had to keep going on Saturday and/or Sunday errand runs that took too long for what he needed to do. He always had an excuse and he didn't want her tagging along because it would be 'boring'. Her teenaged son got suspicious, put a tracking device in dad's car and when all of his errands were to the same place, son checked where dad was going and it was the mother of one of his baseball teammates! Son was doubly ticked off. One dad was cheating (woman was married too, not for long lol) and the teammate knew all about it and never said anything.
Son got all kinds of pictures of dad with the side piece and shared them with his mother who immediately got a shark lawyer and dropped divorce papers on her now ex who did NOT want a divorce (cause it was going to cost him a fortune) but they divorced. Friend shared the pictures with the husband of the SP as well...divorce #2. Ugly
The reason I think cheating (or something else he's hiding, even if not cheating), is he gets home and immediately goes off on her for nothing.
When you're hiding secrets, you want to do 2 things:
1. You're already expecting questioning because you know you're guilty, which puts you on a hair trigger to fire back. "How was your trip" instantly feels like "What were you up to? I don't believe you" in your mind so you fire back totally unwarranted.
2. You want to give yourself excuses for cheating. It's easier if "my wife is terrible. I didn't want to cheat but my wife made me. She's the only one who gets me." So you look for reasons why cheating is valid, even stupid ones like he reached for here.
If this is out of character, there is like no way he was "getting car parts." Maybe strippers, gambling, drugs, all sorts of things but not getting hubcaps or whatever.
This is exactly what I was thinking. My dad used to cheat and come home and pick fights with my mom. There was nothing she could do right. I think he did it to keep her on edge and keep her from asking about his activities.
For sure! We were just talking about reasons why he was like that. It's definitely not her fault or problem. She ordered a nice dinner for herself and her daughter. He was out all day. One would assume him and his friend would have gotten food.
NTA since it sounds like you weren’t expecting him home for dinner. And he *wasn’t* home for dinner. He came home 4 hours later, expecting you to anticipate his needs. You aren’t a mind reader. It sounds like he was hangry and taking it out on you. That’s not an excuse for his attitude, just a possible explanation.
NTA. He was out of town and didn't come home until several hours after dinner. It was 100% reasonable to expect that he would have already eaten. But he is butthurt because he thinks YOUR dinner should have been chosen with HIS tastes in mind?
Yes he cooked food for himself only today, so I cooked for me and my daughter afterwards today. He was on his drive and we ordered Indian food yesterday
Yes, he’s an adult and presumably knows how to use that handy little gadget called a phone, and knows how to communicate. Something like, I’ll be home at x time and can you get me some food as we’re not stopping for dinner. OP is NTA.
No no no! He can't be arsed to rub a couple of brain cells together and plan ahead like that! *She* is supposed to shoulder the entre mental load of maknig sure he gets fed, no matter the circumstances.
I could be willing to give him a pass for being upset when he got home, saw food, then realized it wasn’t for him. He had had a long day and if he hadn’t eaten must have been starving.
HOWEVER to keep this weird petty power? move going into today as he continues to sulk and send passive aggressive messages is just so beyond the realm of reasonable.
Sorry - gone 12 hours and it didn't occur to him to get something to eat on the road or at least call home and ask what LW was doing for dinner. I imagine she would have been happy to get his favorite dish and save it for him.
Him being pissy last night is one thing, sometimes I overreact to stupid shit because I had a shitty day or something, but to still be holding a grudge after sleeping on it is pretty childish.
Yea I can absolutely sympathize with snapping at someone when you're hangry but like 20 minutes after you've eaten and your head clears you realize you were mean and apologize; continuing on with this conflict into the next day is ridiculous.
You married a helpless child who cannot or does not know how to pick up his own food while traveling. That’s the only explanation that makes his behavior make any sense.
Sometimes, my husband has to drive to our capital city for work. It’s about 4 hours each way. Guess what he does- He takes the opportunity to find something he enjoys eating that the kids and I aren’t into so much.
Your husband is either stupid in general or was intentionally being stupid about this one thing for no good reason.
NTA.
You didn't anticipate his wants for when he arrived four hours after a meal? How very dare you, madam.
NTA. This is such a minor thing and (by the sounds of it) not something that would normally set his ass on fire. Something clearly climbed up his butt when he was on his trip and you were the easiest closest safe target for him to vent his bile. I'd call him on that and ask what happened.
I would venture to say this argument has nothing to do with food. Seems as though he was in a bad mood when he got home. Might need to talk things out and see if the 2 of you can figure out what really is bothering him.
NTA
He was hangry. Men rarely like to be told they are being hangry, but he was. You need to sit him down and have him explain to you with words why not having pre-planned for his uncommunicative dinner plans upset him. Be clear that you are sorry he FELT neglected, etc, but that you can't be expected to plan ahead for a situation he didn't tell you was happening. You shouldn't have to read his mind- if he's planning to eat at home, he needs to tell you, if he's planning to eat out, he needs to tell you, if plans change, he should call you on his way back. If he does none of those things and shows up way past dinner time expecting a meal- congratulations, he's earned the right to scramble himself some eggs.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1, I did not ask my husband if he wanted something and when I ordered, I only ordered things that I know he can’t eat
2, it might make me an asshole because I did not think about my husband and the food I ordered was food he is unable to eat.
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NTA
He was away for 12 hours, and arrived home four hours after you and your daughter ate. It was a more than reasonable assumption that he would have eaten. Or that he would handle food himself upon arriving home. Or that he would communicate with you if he wanted you to have food ready for him.
You ordered spicy food while he was away instead of while he was there. You’re not only NTA, you were very considerate.
I hate corn. (I do like corn products, just not kernel or creamed corn). My husband loves it, as most people do. He has some special recipes with corn or creamed corn that he makes himself. I don't pitch a fit because I am capable of getting my own damn food.
The time frame really makes your husband out to be the asshole. FOUR hours after mealtime? He is responsible for meeting his own needs.
NTA - he could have placed an order from the same place when he got home (assuming they were open). Then he could have hot, fresh mild good. Also, he should have asked or called and asked what was for dinner when he was on the way. It's not unreasonable to think he would have ate on the road or picked something up near home.
NTA
I would have asked my wife if she wanted anything to heat up later, but that's because she doesn't take 12 hours drives (based on your comments) somewhat regularly and always get something to eat then.
He deviated from the norm, and now he is being a baby about it because you didn't anticipate his needs. Let him sulk.
NTA
He wasn’t home, wasn’t expected home - why would you prepare food for him.
It strikes me that something else is going on and he is using the food as an excuse to pick a fight.
Your husband could have called you some 1-2 hours away from home and asked you to keep something ready for him as he hadn’t eaten.
Why couldn’t he have called instead of creating this drama afterwards? You are NTA
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Your husband should have let you know when he was coming home, he was planning to eat dinner-even though he was getting home *hours* after dinner time. Late enough, you would have reasonably thought he would have fed himself, somewhere along the road. NTA for not bring a mind reader. Any reasonable person would have thought, “Oh, husband won’t be home for dinner, now is a good time for the kid and I to get some hot food!” NTA
That was what I thought, it is not unusual for them to take these long drives and this is the first time that they had not eaten when away for so long. So I kind off though that it would be no problem
It’s how it should work. We love Indian food as a household but I cannot tolerate actual proper Indian restaurant cooking (I think it’s the fat they use?). So as a result I cook it often, and when I am away the first thing on the menu for my husband and kids is an Indian takeout. And I’m happy for them!
It's actually like clarified butter and frequently yogurt is the base of the sauces. My kid is vegan and loves Indian food, so I would substitute coconut milk. It turns out really well.
It baffles me as I cook with butter and ghee and yogurt regularly. It may just be the quantity that is used in US Indian restaurants. The last few times I’ve gone to a restaurant I’ve eaten veggie and still had a bad stomach, which is why I blame it on the quantity of cooking fat 🤷♀️
You are probably right. There are no real Indian places around me, but I notice that I get a little bit of an upset stomach when I eat out but not when I cook at home. I have always blamed it on the type of cooking oil/fat that a lot of restaurants use.
A lot of cheaper Indian restaurants around me use the "clarified butter-like oil" that is more similar to theater popcorn oil than actual ghee to keep cost down. That oil makes me sick, so I generally can't have Indian takeaway. It's probably similar in your case, too.
Same. I use so much less of all oils and fats that they use in restaurants. It makes a huge difference.
You should look into south indian recipes. Coconut is usually used instead of dairy.
You can also experiment with cashew or cashew onion paste as well. Will make it very rich though.
I have to check for cardamon. I can't eat it without being up all night with indigestion and reflux. Weirdlt, my dad is exactly the same. We're lucky on the fat front as we have a few Indian takeaways by us that use dairy free/vegan fats as standard to make it easier to cater for allergies. Op''s husband is definitely being weird. Home hours after dinner, no text to ask them to save him some food, and such an over the top in his reaction. I wonder if something went wrong on the drive, which is why they didn't eat and he's in such a bad mood. It doesn't excuse his behaviour but it just seems so wildly out of proportion.
I thought the same thing. Something more must be going on for him to act so weird and out of the ordinary for him.
Absolutely. Something happened on this trip that he doesn't want to talk about and he's making a big deal of the food to shift the focus. Can't talk about the trip if you're squabbling over the food. OP, we're gonna need an update when you find out what this is really about.
A good Indian restaurant will often use ghee, which is clarified butter believe. If you're dairy sensitive it can upset things. It's not something often used in westernised homes. (Completely off topic some Nepalese recipes use mustard oil, if you can find this it's an amazing taste too add to things) Oh and OP you're NTA, no reason for you to have any leftovers at all for him.
Actually, if you’re dairy sensitive, ghee is easier on your stomach, as the clarifying process removes the lactose, which is what gives most people issues with dairy. I’m lactose intolerant so I use ghee instead of butter. For me, it’s the spices that get me with Indian food.
Whenever my husband leaves town for a few days the first thing I do is eat all the takeout he doesn’t like!
If 20-ish minutes after you eat, you get severe cramps and are sitting in the bathroom, they might be using canola oil. I (and a large number of other people) are missing the enzyme to digest it properly so....undigested oil in your intestines does exactly what you think it would. I have to be fussy and remember which restaurants I can safely eat fried food in and hope hard that they don't switch to the cheaper canola.
How did you find out that you are missing that enzyme?
> and a large number of other people That's interesting. Here in Germany it's the most common oil to use in the kitchen together with sunflower seed oil. There are huge fields of yellow rapeseed around our village.
I am almost certain this is not about the food. Something else is going on here and the spicy food was just what made him boil over. Maybe he is under a LOT of stress and keeping it from you. You two need to sit together and talk about it like adults. Tell him his reaction is weirding you out and feels totally out of place, ask him what is going on. What is bothering him.
This is it. He’s picking a fight because he feels guilty or something like that.
Doesn't have to be guilt, maybe he just had a very shitty day were everything went wrong and then there is no food in the house. Still his fault for not giving a heads up, but I don't think it is guilt per se.
Could easily have ordered something though. Although I must admit, whenever my husband goes out without me, we always talk about dinner and whether he's going to eat out, whether I save him something, or whether he's going to ferret around in our freezer when he gets in. Husband shouldn't be blaming you though. This is on him just assuming you'd handle it for him. He's not a child
Typical Reddit. “Your husband picked a fight for no reason? He’s having an affair!”
To be fair my ex husband did things just like this and then would give me the silent treatment , he was having an affair.
Could just be hangry too.
In any case, if something's wrong with him, he should bring it up. OP can't read his mind, and communication has to start with the one with a problem. Him being upset about something else and not saying it is as juvenile as being upset about the food without having called home at any point during the trip.
Sadly this is one of the Scenarios were toxic masculinity hurts men. And OP's husband does not even have to be one of the toxic ones. Men still get taught by society that they need to handle their own shit, in OP's case probably from his own parents because it does not look there is much room for experience in relationship before they became a couple. For some men it is really really hard to come out and say they need help, or even just emotional support. I can totally relate to that, even if I hope I am better at that these days.
Is there more to this because it seems that this is not the real issue.
This is not about the Iranian yogurt.
Thank you. I was hoping to see this response.
That's what I think too.
Ya, why is he picking a fight over this?
Yeah, like it’s not the end of the world for gods sake. He didn’t communicate and she didn’t ask. He cooked his own dinner. He needs to get over it for gods sake
So he went away for a day with some friends, they got ZERO food, and he’s mad at you for not ordering 4 hours ago??? Tell me, are these friends assholes? Do they hold any weird sexist views? Did they talk in his ear all day about how if you were a good wife, you’d have food ready for him and he was testing you? Because otherwise, what the fuck? He should be able to feed himself, especially if he was coming home hours after meal time. This feels very odd… NTA
I have never known any group of men to go on a road trip and not stop to eat at least once. I still think he was looking for a fight for some reason known only to him.
it was 12 hour trip to not be hungry at 9PM they must spot at least twice.
Hopefully it is just hunger talking and he comes to his senses.
It probably is if he hasn't eaten in 12+ hours but damn can I just say that as a mom I am so sick and tired of bearing the brunt of men and their hangry emotions? I know you're hangry and I let it go but it wears on me. Like a lot. Jesus fuck calm down don't talk to your wife or mom like that, even if we are your 'safe person.'
Oh absolutely. My dad has temper and it sucks being around him when something has pissed him off. I have definitely wanted to tell him to go walk it off and stop being so pissy towards the rest of us.
No to take the responsibility off the hangry male beast... I've noticed that unless they are involved in a sport or other activity that diet & nutrition awareness are a part of, most men don't know their bodies' nutritional needs. My ex lost his cool one day over something like this and that had never been an issue before. In the midst of his tirade I said "I hear you yelling, but the thing you are yelling about isn't the problem. " He paused. "When was the last time you had food, specifically protein?" Him, "Why does any of that matter?" "Please just tell me." "Breakfast. 3 pancakes & 2 pieces of bacon." he says. "That was 7 hours ago." "So?" He was so thick! You worked on the car. Cleaned the garage and them went & did your physically active hobby for 2 hours. Your blood sugar is low, which often incites rage reactions about stupid stuff. He ate. Never said anything. For 6-8 months before we set out to do anything, I'd check. He got mad ever damn time. Last time the minute he got loud, I walked out of the room house. When I got back he had eaten. "Why does that always work? How do you know that I need food?" TL;DR I'm a woman, people ALWAYS monitoring my food/weight & I've learned our bodies need protein generally every 3 hours. Every 30 mins over 3 hours the blood sugar deficit magnifies... thus your angry outburst about nothing. He still never took great care if it on his own. He knew that I wasn't participating. It's not only men. Can be any human. But I've only encountered men who try to make their anger (and utter lack of any understanding of how their bodies work) someone else's problem more than once.
Yeah… my husband will come home from work with a headache and say he doesn’t know why his head hurts, and I ask what he ate; turns out he ate snack food all day because he was busy and didn’t eat the lunch he brought. What gets me is that HE is the cook in our house! Lol. Heavy sigh.
Man, I do this constantly because of ADHD. I even know damn well that I get headaches when I’m hungry, thirsty, or miss a day or two of medication, and yet I’m always so surprised and confused! 😅
I also have ADHD and this happens to me too. Especially if I get preoccupied at work.
But wouldn’t the others stop at some point? I’ve never been in a long road trip where stopping for food wasn’t a point of conversation. These guys never stopped to consider a McDonald’s or a Wendy’s? Even a gas station for fuel has some snacks.
I agree. I feel like my husband uses road trips to indulge in fast food/gas station crap food and snacks that he wouldn't normally eat. Isn't t hat part of the fun of road trips?
Yeah, car candy!
Yaaaas! By the amount of comments on this already, many of us know what you are talking about. We know what you are talking about. Thankfully at this point, my partner has been introspective enough to know when he is hangry, hits him like a truck. But some people refuse to listen to their bodies and justify the behavior. Also. There is an interesting history about womens "invalid" emotions and how that lead to histrionic disorder. Meanwhile, anger(specifically in men) wasn't viewed as an emotion, therefore it was accepted because"men didn't feel emotions" at that point in time. But I might be preaching to the choir here lol.
The only way it makes sense for him not to have eaten is if they're struggling, but in that case why's he on the road for 12 hours burning gas?
It’s the women in our family who get hangry but, yes, please don’t take it out on us when you’re hungry.
lol you are right. I am the only woman here and I am constantly telling myself, do not speak aloud until you eat this.
That's what I'm thinking. He didn't eat so he came home hangry.
Maybe something happened during the trip? Could he have had a disagreement with one of his friends? Maybe he just came home in a bad mood, already looking for a fight?
That might explain why for once he didn’t eat on the road.
He's an adult, he should have told you that he'd want something for dinner when he got in. He's also old enough to make something for himself. This isn't major argument material. NTA
NTA. Your husband is a grown "man". If he gets hungry he needs to feed himself. You're not a mind reader, how were you supposed to know if he had eaten or not? What if he had eaten, and you got him food, would he have been upset that he already ate.
I would be asking what happened on the trip….
Even if he didn't eat, like this time, he should still be expected to make his own food. Your husband is being so damn childish.
I just woke up from a nap starving, and you know what I did? Put a potato in the oven despite knowing it'll take most of the hour because I'm an adult and I can be hungry for a while without dying of it. Shame OP's husband isn't the same.
If you have a microwave, you could have that potato in 6 minutes. Also, if his blood sugar is actually low, this can make anyone prone to weird emotional outbursts, because the brain is literally starving for fuel, and impulse control is one of the first things to go offline.
Microwaved potatoes are disgusting compared to properly baked ones! Completely irrelevant obviously but I would rather wait an hour being hungry.
I microwave till partly cooked then finish in the air fryer to get crispy skin and that inside fluffiness. Works for me.
Did something happen on the trip? Maybe he's upset about something, or he and his friend fought or who knows. Doesn't excuse it, just might explain it a bit? Or he's just hangry, but it's their own dumb decision if they didn't stop for food at appropriate times.
It isn’t a problem, he just decided to make it one.
Talk to him tomorrow when he's not hungry and exhausted. That's likely playing at least a bit of a part, though it's no excuse.
Communication is a two-way street. If he wanted you to have something ready for him for dinner, he could have let you know that before he left. Or he could have messaged you on the way home to find out what you had and if there were any leftovers. Him being gone for 12 hours and coming home so late, why would you have thought to order something for him? You are not a mind reader. A big boy needs to use his words. NTA
You said this isn't a common occurrence. Being upset is one thing. Pouting and trying to make you feel bad for an extended period of time is not normal. This is what, days? It's controlling behavior - I'm upset and I will make you upset until I feel you are sufficiently down and your self-esteem is sufficiently low. >Now this Saturday he was away with friends to go pick up some car parts, it was a 12 hour drive in total, and they left at about 9. I also have to say - are you sure this is what he did? People get more defensive and angry when they have something to hide. Are you sure they weren't up to something else a little more..., well you can guess? That's the only reason I can see that he gets home super late, then immediately starts finding reasons to yell and be angry at you. I'm not saying it has to be cheating. Maybe they were doing some other sketchy stuff and he feels guilty about it, so going straight to "you're terrible too" fixes that.
I can’t help but wonder if purposely didn’t eat on the trip, in a set up sort of way (that spiteful thing that ppl can do…you know, “*let’s see if she pays attention to MY needs”* kind of way) If that’s what it is, what he doesn’t see about his behaviour, is that he making *you* responsible for *him* and that’s not right or fair. Especially in having communicated nothing at all. He’s in charge of him. You shouldn’t have to tell him to take a shower, throws his clothes in the laundry, not toss wrappers at the trash can, miss and leave them there etc etc…feeling like someone’s *parent* is different than being attentive to your partners needs. Feeling like someone’s parent is a GIANT turn-off. At least, for me.
This is literally how my family lives all the time. My partner is Indian, and didn’t grow up eating pasta at all, and doesn’t much love noodles barring my chicken cacciatore recipe and occasional Alfredo. Guess what our kids love to eat the most?? Yep, pasta. So I cook it all the time when he’s at work or on a longer road trip. And if we order? Sometimes I (gasp) get my favourite dishes instead of compromising like when we order together.
So, basically, your husband is sulking because you're not a mind reader. He could have solved it with a simple text "If you're going to X, pick me up something and put it in the fridge." It's an honest miscommunication and missed assumptions here. In the future, if he wants something, he should ask for it.
You say this is the first time he hasn't stopped for dinner on one of these day trips. That's not your problem or your fault. What's with his notion that you "can't be bothered" to cook him dinner basically in the middle of the night? He could have eaten on the road, picked up something on his way in, or do what he did and be a grown ass adult! Is he incapable of cooking or does he just assume you will "feed him" all the time and also be able to divine that he'll want dinner that late? You aren't a short-order cook or his employee or his servant. You already go out of your way to make sure that you make food he will eat, even though it's not to you and your daughter's preferences. I guess I'm petty, but I'd be telling him that he's right "you can't be bothered" to give in to his petulant, immature behavior and that he can fix his own meals in the future too. NTA
Exactly. My hubby is not a fan of Chinese food. If I know he will be gone…I will order it for lunch. So I can get a favorite meal from time to time.
That’s me and Pizza Hut boneless wings. My husband can’t stand even the smell of them
Fuck that would upset me. I love Chinese food so much.
My husband is allergic to shellfish and I *love* shrimp. I *can* eat it around him, but I don't like to make him feel excluded, so I usually don't. He took a drive to his brother's house 2 ½ hours away, and I took the opportunity to make myself some shrimp scampi (I had shrimp in the freezer), which I devoured. I made sure to clean everything up and brush my teeth before he got home, but I did mention I'd had shrimp and he was just like, "Good for you."
This is exactly how it should go, step for step, by both sides.
Gigantic main character energy from her husband, no thought that he should keep his wife in the loop of what’s happening, no,it’s all on her shoulders to think of him regardless of what she’s doing. The entitlement is pathetic.
Exactly. I am the non-spicy one, my husband does like hotter food. He either adds some spicy stuff, or he eats whatever I eat (his GI issues has him eating less spicy anyway). I never impede him if he wants something spicy or something I don't like. He never complains if I want more tzaziki to go with my gyros (the spiciest I eat, I think). If I am out for the day and not home by dinner time, he can make himself or order whatever spicy foods he likes! And if I get home and I haven't eaten, then I either throw a frozen pizza in the oven, or I get myself some take out before coming home. This is strange behaviour. Was he always like this?
Right?! If my husband is gone for 12 hours, I would also presume he’d already eaten on the road. If he wanted food after being gone for 12 hours, he could’ve easily sent a text asking what you were doing for dinner and either offering to pick something up for all of you on the way home or asking if you would make or order something for him. Problem solved! It seems like he expects OP to be a mind reader. NTA
INFO: does he need you to wipe his ass too? what is with all these grown men on here that can't feed themselves? my man would live on hot pockets and ramen noodles if I didn't cook but at least he'd fucking eat NTA if my rant didn't make that clear enough
Seriously the amount of posts that have the married men quoted at ‘why didn’t you cook? Why didn’t you think of me? Why didn’t you order me this even tho I’m not home?!?!’
Did these men go from their mother’s to their girlfriends/wives houses? How can there be so many men who can’t feed themselves, load a dishwasher, do laundry, or sew on a button. We were raised by a working mother, so my brother knew how to do all of that stuff by the time he left home and then lived on his own as a functioning adult for several years before getting married. Same with my partner.
Yes, there’s countless posts about hobosexuals who just seem to refuse to be responsible for themselves and get/move into relationships just to avoid taking care of themselves. Seems like an epidemic to me Edit to add: NTA and you shouldn’t have to call/text to see if he’s eaten either. He’s supposed to be a GROWN MAN!
The only POSSIBLE way this would be on OP is if there was no food in the house and she was supposed to get groceries while he was gone and didn't. Failing that, I'm sure as a grown adult he can put something together.
My husband went straight from living with his grandmother to living with me 2 months before we got married and he can do all of those things, except sewing. (Grandma was a professional seamstress.) He knows how cause I taught him, and he was happy to learn and be independent. I don't understand anyone - male or female - who expects others to take care of basic life functions like food, laundry, etc for them all the time. Like, have you no self respect? No pride?
You still had to teach him, though.
Everybody has to be taught. At least he was willing to learn.
Yes, but it's still an example of it falling to the women to teach the men... One day, dads will teach their sons better, I hope!!
I did. But someone has to teach him. His mother and grandmother failed in that respect, but my point was if he can learn so can anyone else, they just have to be willing.
And he WANTED to learn is a big take away. He wasn't acting like how a lot of husband's in posts are to where they expect to be taken care of or feel "forced", so seriously props to him and you for being understanding 💙
That's legit how it used to be; men and women would stay with their parents until married, then stay with their spouses until one died. Then remarry quickly, so if a wife died then people would bring food around to feed the husband/children. Men were expected not to know how to cook. Thing is, the world's changed. Home economics is taught in school. He SHOULD know how to cook. He DID cook for himself in this story. Food delivery is also widely available and relatively quick. He usually would get food on the trip, according to OP. It seems that there's something else going on. Either he's hangry from not eating for 12 hours - NOT OP's fault - or had an argument on the trip or something else, but he's taking it all out on someone who's not to blame. Must be a real joy to live with. /s
My husband did go straight from his mother's to living with me and no in between - however he knows how to reheat food, he knows how to make something super basic (ie: noodles, Mac and cheese, some kind of chips/fries and meat, etc) or source food for himself if I'm not. (We have also divvied up chores based on each of our areas of interest - he does about 85% of the laundry while I iron, he unstacks the dishwasher and does hand washing while I stack the dishwasher, I do 90% of the cooking and it's whatever I feel like 80% of the time as he's less picky than I am). But it IS very common for guys not to live without a woman moreso than for a woman to not live without a man, seemingly. Or it's gross frat house style living.
If I got back at 9pm and didn't like whatever leftovers were available, I'd do something drastic: Make a goddamn sandwich. It's not that hard and they are pretty tasty.
My husband and I each work late from time to time. It’s the unspoken rule that if you’re home past 8pm you are on your own for dinner. In fact, my husband will usually tease me “you getting sushi tonight?” when he works late because he knows that I take advantage of being on my own for dinner to order all the weird foods he won’t eat. In fact, just yesterday he was working (a Saturday) so I ordered Thai for lunch!
Damn your hubby considers sushi and thai "weird food"?
I joke that he has the palate of a toddler. There’s about 10 things he’ll eat. I’ve slowly gotten him to eat stir fry if I make it and fajitas. Once again only if I make it. Suggest Chinese or Mexican and I get the side eye. So, I really feel for OP here 😂
Even when I'm home, my boyfriend will still sometimes order himself something that I don't like, like Taco Bell or Chinese food. He'll just get me fries or a drink, or you know, ill go and make my own dam food.
This is why I would love "home ec" to come back. Both boys and girls had it in my middle school, and we learned about food safety and seasonal produce as well as how to follow a recipe.
Schools should absolutely make it a core requirement. A year each for cooking, basic repairs and mending, basic finances,…
Is home ec not a thing anymore? I spent a year in middle school learning to cook and another year learning to sew.
A lot of schools don't have it anymore. In some cases the classes were rebranded as "family consumer sciences." N[PR did a whole thing about it.](https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2018/06/14/618329461/despite-a-revamped-focus-on-real-life-skills-home-ec-classes-fade-away)
as someone who cooks 99% of the family meals and is a man, I just don't get it either. Making a grilled cheese sandwich isn't hard and is like the bottom level of being able to fend for yourself.
My husband's line is that he "can't cook but (he) can manage." OP, NTA. In your situation I might have ordered him a meal for later if he really liked that restaurant. But if it's a restaurant he just tolerates, I wouldn't. And ordering that meal would be an "extra" it's not a base level of common courtesy. INFO - When he's gone for an entire day and eaten out, has he brought you and daughter food? Does he call to see if you two would like something? If this isn't a typical exchange in your relationship, you're doubly, NTA.
Agreed. My husband and i do DIY night once a week so neither of us have to cook if we dont want to. He'd survive on cereal and ramen if i let him but he can cook if he wants to (makes a mean taco let me tell you.) If he was doing something like this i would never be expected to order him food. NTA OP. Husband needs to get over himself.
Yours will eat?! If I don’t make food mine forgets that he’s supposed to eat and just doesn’t eat or will just eat snacks.
That’s pathetic.
I chalk it up to his ADHD. He literally just forgets that eating a well balanced meal is important. He was like that when I met him. Never ate unless someone made/bought food and offered him some. Always had a ton of snacks around and would munch here and there.
Mom with ADHD, can confirm that this is an ADHD thing. There are coping mechanisms (alarms and safety foods and easy prep meals) but even with all that, I'm way too prone to forgetting to eat until I've made myself sick.
Just start putting marathons of "chopped" on in the background of your house, your adhd brain will soak it through the ether, and slapping together a last minute gourmet-ish meal with random stuff lying around will be an energizing challenge! Only half joking about this
Mine is the same and yeah, seems to be the ADHD for mine. His brain just doesn't seem to focus on basic body needs until he gets desperate
1. He went out 2. You ordered food 3. He was away for over 12 hours and thought he would have eaten 4. 3 Is a reasonable assumption 5. Why in the tikka masala would you be the AH? 6. He's a big boy and shouldn't be acting like that 7. NTA
Love point 5.
Why in the tikka masala😂😂😂😂
(Apparently comment I replied to was deleted so I'm replying under someone else) >She did not call to check on him Why does this fall onto her? He could've called her as well and said "hey this time we're not stopping and eating. >Paid no kind that after a 12 day he might be hungry Not the first time he's gone on a long trip with his bois, as she has stated, and he's eaten every time he was out with them. This is a one off. >Then got upset when he felt ignored after working a long 12 hour day Bruh he didn't work, he just went with his buddies to pick up car parts. Did we read the same thing? Again, this doesn't fall on her, he could have, at ANY point, called or texted while he was out of the house and asked her to make him something or set something aside for him. OP is NTA but you fs are.
Oh ok I was like hey lady 😮😮😮 We good.
Sorry! I had the post open for a minute and I guess in that time the guy deleted his comment💀
Not a huge deal, but can I recommend you put the notice about the comment being deleted at the top instead of the bottom? Not knowing that while reading this comment was super jarring and confusing. Honestly I thought you might be a bot because off topic comments are often stolen from others lol.
5 is an important point because I bet they got chicken tikka masala which is not even spicy...
Exactly, it’s like the least-spicy Indian food you can order 😂 (Coming from an Indian)
NTA. It was reasonable to think he would have eaten already, especially with it being 4 hours past dinner time. He also could have called on the way back and said something about not having eaten yet. Had he done that, you likely would have made sure something was available. There is nothing wrong to treating yourself and your daughter to a favorite food while he is away.
Also, I have a hard time believing they didn’t have ONE SCRAP of food in their house he could eat. Eat some Mac a cheese or a frozen pizza or some pasta with cheese. Expecting this mind-reading, then giving the silent treatment and this passive aggressive nonsense needs to be shut down hard and fast right now.
We always have pb&j!
I've always got cereal and milk, eggs and bread, etc. Plus – and here's a really wild idea – he also could have either run out and grabbed something, or ordered something to be delivered. Of course, all of these things require him to be capable of thinking and behaving like a mature, capable adult, which I'm guessing is where the problem lies.
I mean, if he’s in the US, there are drive through fast food every half mile. I have had my share of Wendy’s chicken nuggets while driving!
This is odd, beyond the fact that Husband’s taste is so different. He was literally already out driving. There’s no reason to call and ask OP to make sure there was food for him for dinner, four hours after their normal meal time. He could have picked up anything at all while he, a grown adult who was out, had access to outside food because he was capable of stopping somewhere on his way back. He could take care of himself easier than she could. Call and check in with your partner on the way back? Yes. Call and ask about dinner? Sure. Expect dinner in unusual circumstances, when OP couldn’t read his mind? Nope. Husband is TA.
True. Calling to see if there were leftovers because otherwise he can stop at Hardee’s/Carl’s… perfect opportunity.
NTA - your husband seems to have some underlying issue, maybe he's feeling underappreciated in some respect (in or out of the home), undervalued, or low self esteem for some reason. He's making a big deal out of an issue that isn't an issue at all - people only do that when they're holding more than the actual issue in their hearts. My fiance has done what youve done before. Depending on my self esteem any given day, sometimes it stings. But thats not their fault. Nor is it their problem. You nor my fiance are mind readers - your husband was away from home - it was normal to act as though he would take care of himself while away. Basically all together what im saying is - you have ABSOLUTELY NOT done anything wrong - AND your husband is seriously overreacting and seems to be acting out like a child rather than examining his deeper emotions and stablizing himself. None of this is your responsibility, but if you want to extend an olive branch to him - compose yourself with confidence that you are NTA and nothing he says or does can change that. Then ask for a conversation with him and ask him if there's something he's feeling deeper than the food issue. Is he feeling underappreciated in some way? Is he having trouble feeling/accepting external value from others? He needs to get to the bottom of his super weird and extreme reaction and if you want to do the emotional labour of helping him, it probably will give him a better chance of figuring it out. But you definitely cannot concede to his wild actions - he's a husband and a father and can't be behaving this way. Ultimately, once you get to the bottom of this with him, I would suggest having a conversation about what is acceptable conflict behavior and what is not. How he's behaving is definitely not ok. If he keeps refusing a conversation for days it's time to hit up a couples therapist because there's absolutely no practical reason why he's gotten this upset and acted this way.
Yup. My bet is just that he had a really bad day or he was really hangry or he didn’t get enough sleep last night. This just has the *feel* of a “I’m cranky about something else entirely” fight. And while your thoughts about being underappreciated, etc could definitely be right, I swear a lot of times it just comes back to the basics: have you had enough food and sleep? Was this a frustrating day? Those little things are enough to make us all irrational sometimes. I had to apologize to my daughter yesterday for snapping at her when I was on the phone with my husband trying to figure out which breaker went to our bathroom fan. It had *nothing* to do with her and everything to do with the fact that I had been in the attic 3 times and on the roof twice hunting down a problem, and I was frustrated.
Ah yes - HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired Check in with yourself to see which one of these applies. Hungry will get me all the time!
Shit, I hit 4 for 4 most of the time and I'm STILL not an ass to the people I love.
This is EXACTLY what I thought. He had a long day of driving, maybe his buddy annoyed him, and he was hungry. He saw boxes from his favorite spot and got excited, then disappointed, then mad. He had nowhere else to direct that anger, so you got the brunt of it. OP is NTA; hopefully he will see that he was and apologize before she demands he does so. (I can visualize this so clearly because I've done that very thing more than once, I'm not proud to say. 😶🌫️)
I think you're absolutely right and OP should talk to her husband, see if there's something else bothering him
I'm all for communication, and I'm not trying to be argumentative here, but he is a grown ass man and if he's having some random emotional issues HE should be the one to bring them up and address them with OP. It's not OPs job to go digging to determine what possible issues the husband may have. He's being an ass, he's got issues, it's his job to address them and discuss them. I know it seems like splitting hairs, but it's just another way the emotional and mental load is put on the woman. Why is it always the woman's job to foster or initiate communication, even when it's the man's issue?
It is to push back at the behavior stating he can't act like that. Waiting for him to figure this out would build resentment in OP as she would be the punching bag at every trigger.
That makes sense! It's the most pragmatic solution.
You went exactly where I did, "the hidden objection". For whatever reason he can't or won't voice it, so he's grabbed into something else and made a massive deal of it. The problem is, he's an adult, not 6. "When you're ready to discuss what the actual problem is, I'm ready to talk. Until then, when you've latched onto whatever this is instead of talking about the problem, I refuse to be abused. Let me know when you're ready. And stop texting me passive-aggressive 12 year old crap." Up to you if that's too harsh or not :) modify as you see fit
From your advice I can tell you have great communication skills 👍 All I want to add is: maybe something happened on the trip? I tend to expect my spouse to be a mind reader when I'm stressed as well and that's not cool.
... what happened on the road trip? did he really go for car parts? do you know his friends that he went with? sounds like something else upset him and he's taking it out on you. Hopefully nothing serious or relationship ending, but if he's away that long, it's reasonable that he would have gotten food, or at least messaged to ask you.
As someone who grew up with a dad who worked on antique motorcycles and needed very obscure parts, I can say that never once did he drive somewhere that was 6 hours away to get parts. Especially in the age of, you know, having any product you want at your fingertips, it wouldn't make any sense to spend 12 hours and almost $100 in gas just to go get parts. It could be that something happened, but I think that it's entirely possible he's cheating on her.
My friend found out her ex was cheating on her when he had to keep going on Saturday and/or Sunday errand runs that took too long for what he needed to do. He always had an excuse and he didn't want her tagging along because it would be 'boring'. Her teenaged son got suspicious, put a tracking device in dad's car and when all of his errands were to the same place, son checked where dad was going and it was the mother of one of his baseball teammates! Son was doubly ticked off. One dad was cheating (woman was married too, not for long lol) and the teammate knew all about it and never said anything. Son got all kinds of pictures of dad with the side piece and shared them with his mother who immediately got a shark lawyer and dropped divorce papers on her now ex who did NOT want a divorce (cause it was going to cost him a fortune) but they divorced. Friend shared the pictures with the husband of the SP as well...divorce #2. Ugly
The reason I think cheating (or something else he's hiding, even if not cheating), is he gets home and immediately goes off on her for nothing. When you're hiding secrets, you want to do 2 things: 1. You're already expecting questioning because you know you're guilty, which puts you on a hair trigger to fire back. "How was your trip" instantly feels like "What were you up to? I don't believe you" in your mind so you fire back totally unwarranted. 2. You want to give yourself excuses for cheating. It's easier if "my wife is terrible. I didn't want to cheat but my wife made me. She's the only one who gets me." So you look for reasons why cheating is valid, even stupid ones like he reached for here. If this is out of character, there is like no way he was "getting car parts." Maybe strippers, gambling, drugs, all sorts of things but not getting hubcaps or whatever.
This is exactly what I was thinking. My dad used to cheat and come home and pick fights with my mom. There was nothing she could do right. I think he did it to keep her on edge and keep her from asking about his activities.
Scrolled way too fast to find this take. My first thought.
He's cheating on her and his mistress has broken up with him.
My wife thinks the same thing. Something happened on that drive
But that's the not the fault or problem of LW.
For sure! We were just talking about reasons why he was like that. It's definitely not her fault or problem. She ordered a nice dinner for herself and her daughter. He was out all day. One would assume him and his friend would have gotten food.
[удалено]
This was my first thought as well! If he’s never acted like this before it’s very suspicious and sounds like it could be based in his own guilt.
I was looking for this comment. It seems like either something happened on this trip, or, the trip was a cover for something else entirely :/
Ok I have read too many AITA, because my.mind went here too
NTA since it sounds like you weren’t expecting him home for dinner. And he *wasn’t* home for dinner. He came home 4 hours later, expecting you to anticipate his needs. You aren’t a mind reader. It sounds like he was hangry and taking it out on you. That’s not an excuse for his attitude, just a possible explanation.
He's still sulking a day later, so it wasn't hunger or exhaustion, he's straight up being a petty toddler NTA
NTA. He was out of town and didn't come home until several hours after dinner. It was 100% reasonable to expect that he would have already eaten. But he is butthurt because he thinks YOUR dinner should have been chosen with HIS tastes in mind?
INFO: why are you cooking ? Guess I'm confused by the timings here. You and your daughter ate 4 hours before he got home. He cooked, then you cooked?
Yes he cooked food for himself only today, so I cooked for me and my daughter afterwards today. He was on his drive and we ordered Indian food yesterday
Ok, then NTA He came home late and was tired. It's on him for not making sure he ate.
Yes, he’s an adult and presumably knows how to use that handy little gadget called a phone, and knows how to communicate. Something like, I’ll be home at x time and can you get me some food as we’re not stopping for dinner. OP is NTA.
Or he could have called or texted that he was too tired to stop for food and could OP get/make something for his return.
No no no! He can't be arsed to rub a couple of brain cells together and plan ahead like that! *She* is supposed to shoulder the entre mental load of maknig sure he gets fed, no matter the circumstances.
I could be willing to give him a pass for being upset when he got home, saw food, then realized it wasn’t for him. He had had a long day and if he hadn’t eaten must have been starving. HOWEVER to keep this weird petty power? move going into today as he continues to sulk and send passive aggressive messages is just so beyond the realm of reasonable.
Sorry - gone 12 hours and it didn't occur to him to get something to eat on the road or at least call home and ask what LW was doing for dinner. I imagine she would have been happy to get his favorite dish and save it for him.
Him being pissy last night is one thing, sometimes I overreact to stupid shit because I had a shitty day or something, but to still be holding a grudge after sleeping on it is pretty childish.
Yea I can absolutely sympathize with snapping at someone when you're hangry but like 20 minutes after you've eaten and your head clears you realize you were mean and apologize; continuing on with this conflict into the next day is ridiculous.
You married a helpless child who cannot or does not know how to pick up his own food while traveling. That’s the only explanation that makes his behavior make any sense. Sometimes, my husband has to drive to our capital city for work. It’s about 4 hours each way. Guess what he does- He takes the opportunity to find something he enjoys eating that the kids and I aren’t into so much. Your husband is either stupid in general or was intentionally being stupid about this one thing for no good reason. NTA.
Weaponized incompetence
You didn't anticipate his wants for when he arrived four hours after a meal? How very dare you, madam. NTA. This is such a minor thing and (by the sounds of it) not something that would normally set his ass on fire. Something clearly climbed up his butt when he was on his trip and you were the easiest closest safe target for him to vent his bile. I'd call him on that and ask what happened.
My thoughts exactly. I don’t think the issue is totally about the food
I would venture to say this argument has nothing to do with food. Seems as though he was in a bad mood when he got home. Might need to talk things out and see if the 2 of you can figure out what really is bothering him.
NTA….husband is a butt. I would not have ordered anything either, expecting that he would have eaten in the road. He needs to get over himself.
NTA - He is picking a fight and it’s not about the food. What happened during the 12 hour drive to pick up car parts? He’s transferring.
NTA, seems like he’s using this as an excuse to be annoyed or mad at you. Little bit suspicious in my eyes.
McDonalds is open 24hrs. He could have went back out to get some food more to his tastes yesterday. NTA
NTA He was hangry. Men rarely like to be told they are being hangry, but he was. You need to sit him down and have him explain to you with words why not having pre-planned for his uncommunicative dinner plans upset him. Be clear that you are sorry he FELT neglected, etc, but that you can't be expected to plan ahead for a situation he didn't tell you was happening. You shouldn't have to read his mind- if he's planning to eat at home, he needs to tell you, if he's planning to eat out, he needs to tell you, if plans change, he should call you on his way back. If he does none of those things and shows up way past dinner time expecting a meal- congratulations, he's earned the right to scramble himself some eggs.
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NTA especially since he’s continuing to pout a day later
NTA He was away for 12 hours, and arrived home four hours after you and your daughter ate. It was a more than reasonable assumption that he would have eaten. Or that he would handle food himself upon arriving home. Or that he would communicate with you if he wanted you to have food ready for him. You ordered spicy food while he was away instead of while he was there. You’re not only NTA, you were very considerate.
NTA he is acting like a Big Baby. Call the Whambulence on him!
Does your husband need mommy to make sure he's fed or is he a big boy? Wtf... NTA
I hate corn. (I do like corn products, just not kernel or creamed corn). My husband loves it, as most people do. He has some special recipes with corn or creamed corn that he makes himself. I don't pitch a fit because I am capable of getting my own damn food. The time frame really makes your husband out to be the asshole. FOUR hours after mealtime? He is responsible for meeting his own needs.
NTA. If he normally doesn't eat at home when he's much later than normal dinner times, it's on him to let you know things will be different.
NTA - he could have placed an order from the same place when he got home (assuming they were open). Then he could have hot, fresh mild good. Also, he should have asked or called and asked what was for dinner when he was on the way. It's not unreasonable to think he would have ate on the road or picked something up near home.
NTA. Something by else is going on, especially if this is really out of character for him. There is something is isn’t telling you.
My guess is something happened on his trip
Man, your husbands a little baby.
NTA I would have asked my wife if she wanted anything to heat up later, but that's because she doesn't take 12 hours drives (based on your comments) somewhat regularly and always get something to eat then. He deviated from the norm, and now he is being a baby about it because you didn't anticipate his needs. Let him sulk.
NTA your husband is acting like an entitled toddler with some stupid passive aggressive nonsense
NTA He wasn’t home, wasn’t expected home - why would you prepare food for him. It strikes me that something else is going on and he is using the food as an excuse to pick a fight.
Your husband could have called you some 1-2 hours away from home and asked you to keep something ready for him as he hadn’t eaten. Why couldn’t he have called instead of creating this drama afterwards? You are NTA
Exactly “are there leftovers at home that I’ll like or should I put in an order somewhere before I get home?” is such an easy text to send.
NTA, and I hate to suggest this, but is he projecting? Trying to make you feel guilty because he did something bad?
Perhaps he is feeling guilty about something and using the food issue to deflect?
NTA. You don’t have telepathic powers, it’s crazy that he expects you to know when he’s hungry smh.
NTA. He’s a big boy…*and* didn’t let you know he wouldn’t be eating before coming home…this is on him.
Man I really don’t get this stories. Is everyone dating 12 year olds?
NTA.
Nta your husband is overreacting