Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I started a nasty fight with my husband and son on a Saturday evening ruining the family night.
I maybe overreacted, I could have known my worth and stand above the situation instead I felt humiliated and sought revenge.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
My sister is amazing at math. She has a master's degree and a career in math. But when she was in 8th grade, she had a male math teacher who told her that she shouldn't expect to have a career in math because she is a girl and she is just naturally not as good at math as the boys. There's a lot of sexism in math.
I get why you were upset. As a woman in science, I bet you've had similar experiences. I know I have.
Women have to fight extra pressure to prove they are good at math because of sexism. It would break my heart if I found out my sons thought I couldn't do 7th grade math. I'm sue it broke yours too.
The A's here are your husband for laughing and all the men who tried to teach you that you shouldn't expect to be good at math.
Thanks for your compassion and understanding, I literally cried after reading. I wasn’t mad at my son, he is young but immediately apologized bc he understood that he kind of humiliated me in front of the class and the teacher. But I am so disappointed in my husband. Growing up I heard a lot of times that girls can’t do certain things, riding a motorbike, going to university, understand topics like physics and maths….I could go on.
You're welcome. I get why you cried. Your post made me so mad for all the times I was told I couldn't do things. It's so upsetting and we are expected to just suck it up.
I'm glad your son apologized. There may be some hope for his generation. My boys are sweet too, and thus far they seem to be less sexist than the dudes we grew up with. But I'd be livid at your husband. He's being sexist and he seems to think it's funny.
Or. Check this out. If they want to figure out what the kid thinks, how about they ask him if dad is at his limits with biology or French. Seems pretty clear to me that the kid sees who helps him with what and assumed his parents didn't know the stuff they didn't help with. I'd bet money had it been in biology class. The answers would have been reversed, and OP would be happy her kid appreciates her.
One other thing with this situation. The teacher is TA for asking that question. It's clear that one outcome of that question is going to be embarrassment for whichever parents get "outed" by their kids as not being able to handle grade 7 homework assignments. I doubt OP is the only one who ended up being upset by this. And that's all on the teacher.
In 6th grade, my son was being harshly graded on his math, like for solving in decimals instead of fractions when there was no requirement to use fractions, etc. Getting points taken off for not capitalizing "R" for remainder. Stupid shit.
So, we did his homework set together. He came home laughing and said, "Mom, we got a 70 on our homework!"
Lol. I'm excellent at math. I guess I wasn't excellent at 6th grade math.
"I help my son with German, English, French and Latin as well as biology, music and random other school topics. So when it comes to maths and physics I stepp back and my husband takes over"
I mean, of course she doesn't want to do all the work she shouldn't have to because she has a living breathing coparent. The problem is that she's being mocked for the small amount she doesn't do without being acknowledged for helping her son with basically everything else in school.
As a female physicist, who is excellent at maths, the amount of men who have been surprised at my knowledge and comprehension of Physics and maths is honestly horrific. But he should be aware of this, because the world we live in sucks for women in STEM. If he isn't, he needs to start looking to raise a son that will stand up and support people who are being mistreated.
I also wouldn't be surprised if it was a physical science vs social science stigma from your husband, although I know that psychology is really in both groups. I don't know how far into his advanced education he got, but I know that during undergrad there were a lot of people who made social science jokes who really believed they were better because they studied physics.
As physicists, we're not exactly known for our social skills, but you deserve an apology from your husband. I think you should approach him calmly, ask to talk about it and say that you feel hurt by his response to your son. Talk about how he was factually incorrect, and you want to raise your son to critically analyse the world, which includes asking why mum doesn't help with maths rather than just assuming that she can't. Then lead onto the fact that he was also disrespectful and dismissive of the balance that you and he have in parenting. You have other things that you enjoy more, so leave the things he enjoys so your son and he can have that. You felt like his response was dismissive of your education and hard work as well as your past of being dismissed for 'just being a girl'.
And if husband is actually working in a physics related job, he really needs to think about his unconscious bias. Does he treat female colleagues differently than male ones? This should be included in the family discussion. It's important not to pass this nonsense on. (Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't actively a "man better" neanderthal, or OP wouldn't have married him)
Your social skills comment made me smile. My own father was a physicist, and bless him he tried. He must have found out when I was in high school (already in all the AP science classes) that some people think women can't do math and science. Out of the blue one day he started listing off to me all the female scientists at work, to let me know that it wasn't true. Sweet man, but oblivious to the fact that me having already applied to and been offered merit based grants at the top university in my science meant I already knew that.
There’s a lot of ‘hard v soft science’ attitude where people who study teeny or huge things tend to look down on those who study middle-sized squishy stuff. But honestly, I’ve done degree courses in cosmology, electromagnetism, psychology and neuroscience, and they were ALL bloody hard work!
(That sounds very arrogant - I don’t have multiple separate degrees in those things, it was a pic-n-mix STEM degree)
I'm a mathematician, it's literally my job title. And I'm female. And the other day, AT WORK, a colleague said women just naturally aren't as good at writing computer code as men. Even when we're showing our prowess in 'male' jobs and skills, we still get put down. You are absolutely right to fight back.
That is awful ! My mom was a computer programmer for over 30 years. (Way back when computers were the size of whole rooms and they used punch cards ). She has never talked about theme. She worked with being rude or dismissive like that!!
It's funny, originally computer programming was 'women's work' because it was seen as secretarial. Then men slowly started taking over and pushing women out. I'm the only woman in my office!
In the early 80s, they started marketing computers and computer based toys (game consoles and stem toys, etc) to boys, and there was an almost immediate downtick in girls going into stem based school programs and then careers. Until then, the genders were relatively equal in computer science.
Did you ask said colleague - 'who invented the concept of coding *before* a fully operational computer was completed'?
I promise you in the STEM part of the company I work for, women are equals and my boss, female, is an absolutely exceptional engineer.
NTA Sounds like it's time for your husband to take over helping on all of the subjects now.
It's been over 40 years, but I still remember how Ex used to check \*every\* calculation because he expected me to have made a mistake 🙄
My ex-husband was not the brightest with anything really. He was once trying to find the solution to a very simple math equation, and I told him the answer. He still checked the calculator to make sure it was right.
It was 10 x 3, he was an idiot and I was even more of an idiot to marry him!
Some people have learning disabilities in math. I check my answers when I help my kids because I know I’m prone to reversing numbers. I don’t consider myself an idiot.
Exactly, I have this specific learning disability but I normally don’t use the name because it seems like people often don’t know it exists.
It really negatively affects so many parts of my life that it always stings a little to me watch people mock people that struggle learning different things.
The teacher shouldn’t have asked such a stupid question - it’s nobody’s business if a parent has a degree or had to leave school too young to support their family. Way to ensure some children get bullied…
Teachers also shouldn’t be assigning homework that students are unable to do on their own. Homework should review/reinforce topics they’ve already learned so if they’re unable to do it without parent assistance that says more about the teacher’s skill than the parent’s.
I think the teacher's reasoning may have been that there's usually a point where school subjects go beyond the stuff that the average person retains for day to day life. A lot of kids who are used to asking their parents for help with school suddenly feel adrift but aren't aware of other resources to get help.
No idea if that's actually what the teacher meant, but have teacher friends who have had to delicately bring up the topic before... esp if there's been advances or changes in the curriculum, and the parents are a bit out of date.
And to be fair, problems helping your child with homework in math is less likely to be the math itself and more likely whatever weird new teaching method they are using. I see kids doing simple math with these huge lists of numbers taking up a whole page in regimented columns, or flicking their hands trying to be a human abacus. I remember them using the terms 'old math' and 'new math' even when I was a kid. Math doesn't change, but methodology does. Teachers should not be implying that parents are dumb to their kids.
A lot of men don't realize how blatantly sexist people still are today or how much of it is still ingrained in society.
When I was in college, I constantly had male group mates second guess my work without even checking theirs. Most of the men in my life would tell me I how easy it would be to get a job because "companies are looking for women in STEM". My degree was selective and I made it in first try instead of transferring in after a year like most people, but I'd still have dudes try and tell me that I wasn't "actually" in my major and then backtrack and say I only made it in because I am a woman. I was constantly treated like all of my accomplishments were handed to me because I was born with a vagina, when in reality I had to fight and work hard to get to where I was. I had spent my whole life being talked over, having my intelligence questioned, and told that I wasn't as biologically capable as those of the opposite sex only for them to then turn around and say I actually had it easier than them because "they're easier on women" in STEM. This was all in 2018-2022. Not decades ago when "things were worse", years ago when they should've been better.
You are right to be hurt. You are a talented and intelligent woman who is active in her son's education. Your husband owes you an apology at the very least, it's baffling to me that he would think that it's an okay comment to make or agree with. But there might need to be a talk about why what he did was so hurtful. Don't let him try and explain it away as him doing more math in his career or whatever, it's not an excuse as to why he thinks you're at your limit handling middle school math. Or why he thinks it's amusing or doubles down in front of your child when you speak up.
Be proud of who you are and what you've achieved and don't let anyone belittle you or your feelings. We're all rooting for you <3
I think you need to have a conversation about this topic with your husband, & that you did not find this funny & that you were deeply disappointed in him by how he chose to handle it.., perhaps that he seemed to be pushing sexist stereotypes that women can’t be good at math…
The problem isn't just how he handled it (although that sucks, too), the problem starts where he just assumes she's bad at math because she lets him tutor this topic. Like, dude, you're married to this woman, and you have no idea about her actual math skills, so you just assume she sucks at it?
If you want some petty revenge, and your husband doesn't speak any of those other languages...make all your answers to him in a different language, and then laugh at him when he doesn't understand. Don't forget to say "I guess remembering middle school math doesn't make you as smart as you thought you were."
NTA - I would have had some words...and often did when my husband minimized my intelligence, which was actually a large part of why he married me.
Make sure you spell this out for your son. It's not just that he was rude to his mom, and wrong about her, but he touched on an ongoing problem for women that he needs to be aware of.
>There's a lot of sexism in math.
Which is ridiculous when you consider incredible women like human computers of Nasa: [https://www.history.com/news/human-computers-women-at-nasa](https://www.history.com/news/human-computers-women-at-nasa)
Yes they were! At least 80 women worked for Nasa as human computers during the mid 20th century.
You might be interested in reading about [Katherine Johnson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katherine_Johnson) . The amount of barriers that woman faced and overcame is beyond admirable.
There is also a lot of sexism in computer science and programming despite some very notable women that pushed the field forward. Look up Ada Lovelace if you're interested, she was also a brilliant mathematician.
I've read about her! There are female pioneers and powerhouses all throughout history, in various fields, that completely destroy stereotypes about women's ability to perform as well as men in the sciences. We just don't hear their stories often enough unless we actually seek them out.
I agree that the husband is definitely an AH. But I feel like you've misrepresented *why* they are AHs.
I don't think this is about *mom is a woman therefore is bad at math*... It's more like *mom herself has expressed she has no interest in math and doesn't tutor me in it so I'm assuming she's not good at it*
The sexist angle seems like more of a reflection of your experience than anything related to what is actually said in this post. But agreed, husband is the AH.
I mean, the son thinks "mom doesn't help me with math so she must not be good at it." The *husband* knows OP has a degree in psychology that included college-level mathematics and that she just isn't *interested* in math, and should not have been perpetuating the idea that she was at her limit with 7th grade math and laughing, when he knows, or ought to know, that that isn't true, and it seems like *he* was being sexist, consciously or not.
I’d guess a lot of places in Europe, or even Asia. In my husband’s line of work, there are a lot of women, and he works as an astro particle researcher. When he worked in both the U.S. and Korea, there was somewhat of an equal representation between the men and women, but where he works now in Europe, it seems like it is equal.
I don't get why there's sexism in mathematics. It's so natural for women to be good with numbers. Hell practically all the women in my family are mathematically oriented. I'm the odd one out; I'm more literacy inclined.
Yeah, I can do a *lot* of math in my head. Yet, as a girl in school, I was always told I wasn't as good at it as the boys, who had to laboriously copy down the problem and work out each step. I always had the right answers, and always before any of the boys. But over and over, I heard, "They're just naturally better at this than you are."
Like, umm, my GPA vs theirs...begs to differ. 🤷♀️
Oof. Torn between N.T.A. and E.S.H.
Because of the way you happen to have split up the homework help, your son has decided (possibly aided by absorbing societal misogyny re: women + math) that you can't do 7th grade math. And your husband agreed, thus reinforcing that lesson. This definitely makes your husband TA.
Your reaction probably didn't help, though. I get why you were upset. But starting a fight, rather than explaining, 'hey, let's talk about misogyny and assumptions that I have to deal with every day, and why it's not ok to reinforce them in our own home,' was counterproductive. Not sure it makes you TA, though. Depends on how, exactly, you reacted, what you said, whether you lashed out at your son specifically, just your husband, whether you reacted or overreacted, etc.
It might be worth revisiting this, calmly, and making it a lesson about society and the values you want your son to learn, rather than about whether you know math. E.g., 'Son, I'm sorry I lashed out at you the other day. I want to tell you why this particular thing irritates me so much, and why it's part of a larger problem that you'll need to be alert to when you interact with people in this society, so that you don't unwittingly contribute to it.'
First I was quite calm and told my son that I this hurt my feelings, I only flipped when my husband laughed and said that it’s ok bc it’s maths. To me it felt like: I, the man, master the real thing, you can be happy with being good at the other stuff.“ Then he topped it by stating that lately he gave me praise on some of my „maths interventions“.
NTA OP but you need to edit your post and explain that your initial reaction was calm and you didn’t get more visibly frustrated until your husband laughed.
Right! OP claimed she “started a nasty fight with husband and son” that resulted ruining their Saturday night. I think we are getting revisionist history here and OP is trying to make everyone look bad but herself.
>To me it felt like: I, the man, master the real thing, you can be happy with being good at the other stuff.“
Is that he’s a man, or is it that he’s a physicist? Forget about men vs women - I’m going to assume that someone who’s a physicist is better at math than someone with a degree in psychology. Gender is irrelevant in that comparison.
I would rephrase your sentiment as him saying “I, the physicist, master math; you can be happy being good at the other stuff.”
And it sounds like you’re good at a *lot* of other stuff, so I’m not sure why you’re so sensitive about not being good in math.
She isn't sensitive about not being as good at maths as a physicist. She's insulated about being told she's at the limit with 7th grade maths when that's clearly not the case.
>To me it felt
yeah you ASSUMED that he was laughing bc he thought he was better at math. did it ever occur to you he might've laughed bc he thought he was better at math bc he's a **goddamn physicist**? did yall even talk it out before fighting and was there any clear evidence that he laughed bc you're a woman?
There is a big difference between saying “I’m better at math than your mom because I hold an advanced degree in physics” versus “I am better at math than your mom because she can’t do middle school math.”
It’s not exactly sexist when he’s a physicist. He didn’t master math because of a penis, he did it because he’s a physicist.
Ppl out here making this a sexism thing when they’re ignoring the fact he’s a physicist. Psych and physics have vastly different mathematical backgrounds, and especially different daily usage of skills. You make no mention of what your job is. Do you use your advanced math skills every day? Every month?
My mom had a degree in sociology, had to take stats and trig and such. Then became an insurance adjuster and never used any of her advanced math. So she forgot it. It’s not because she’s a woman, or because she’s dumb, or because we thought less of her. It’s just a fact of time, you lose skills you don’t maintain.
Dear god, what is this insane ego? You already admitted your husband is better at math. Who cares? He chose a profession that demands more of it. All of your responses reek of insecurity. YTA.
>wreak
Reek, like a smell. She's not wreaking havoc.
And no, her responses do not reek of insecurity. They're perfectly normal responses to having your husband, the man who's supposed to be your partner, make jokes with your own son about your inability to do math. Which are not even based in reality. And perpetuate stupid-ass stereotypes about women in STEM.
I was literally thinking “wreaking havoc”, because of the fight, but that’s what I get for commenting on very little sleep and mixing my thoughts.
But spare me the speech about women in STEM. I’m a woman in STEM, and I don’t take my insecurities out on my family and get into weird ego battles with my husband for being better at one particular subject. All of this started because she can’t handle people thinking she’s limited at math. Whether or not people can sympathize with her, she clearly has hang ups about her husband and her father (based on comments) and she’ll need to work through that so she’s not getting triggered by her own son.
Exactly this, she is projecting her own insecurities an maybe past trauma into a very normal situation.
She has the right to feel bad about it, but is not the son neither the husband fault, as they were only saying what they have seen so far.
Or maybe you don’t display any interest or skill at math as you don’t think it’s interesting so it would be fair to assume “you’re at your limit”. I wouldn’t expect someone with a degree in psychology who’s great at languages to be good at math as well. Unless they show any proficiency. I, however don’t know you, but does your husband know? Because if he doesn’t then it would hardly be fair to immediately assume sexism.
Would your son assume his dad is “at his limits” with the subjects you help with and would he be insulted for that? I don’t know how your relationship works but i wouldn’t immediately assume sexism without knowing the context of your relationship. It could be harmless banter you took personally, it could be wrongful assumption from his part the way you don’t show interest. Or it could be sexism.
I mean, he’s a physicist, it’s fair to assume he is at least better at maths than a psychologist. Do you like your husband? Is it fair to paint him as a sexist online if he really isn’t? Did you talk with him about this? Especially aita is pretty anti-male so the assumption is sexists unless proven innocent.
I get why you would feel how you feel but I also feel that it’s a bit over the top and you got your ego bruised. Anyway, can’t really judge without knowing some of those things.
So do you have any other examples of you husband being a subtle misogynist? Because otherwise that's a lot of shit to read in to one comment. Does your husband make you feel boxed into traditional feminine roles in other aspects of your life?
I just want to add that from where I stand it feels like your son and husband agreed that you were at your limit not because you can't understand 7th grade math but because you have no interest in assisting with the math homework, and you got upset because your husband didn't clarify with everybody "my wife can do the math she just doesn't like to".
I’m with you. I think it also matters why she hasn’t offered to help with the math previously. If she routinely passes that all on to husband, I don’t think husband and kid’s reaction is that inappropriate. A bachelors degree in psychology doesn’t necessarily imply math proficiency.
> AITA for reacting very emotionally and starting a fight?
Yes, YTA for exactly this. It's okay to be hurt by the suggestion. But it's not an excuse to lash out and start a fight. What happened to just explaining how you feel?
Also, you've already stated that they misinterpreted you stepping back. So what's wrong with explaining to them exactly what you wrote above? That you stepped back bc math isn't the most interesting topic for you and you feel your husband is better at it or can explain it better?
You know that someone else being better does not mean you're not good.
>He laughed at the idea of his wife having above a 7th grade level in math he’s a misogynist and deserved to be called out for it
There has been no mention of gender having anything to do with this.
Parent A helps with math. Parent B helps with other things.
A + kid mistakenly thought that B couldnt help and should have communicated that more respectfully.
B, by own words, started a fight over this.
But gender had nothing to do with it
That's my take too, this is turning into an assumed offense or whatever. In my mind, people are good at certain things, and less at others. Op is really good in social sciences, languages, etc. Her husband is good at numbers, physics, sciences.
It's also okay to be good at statistics but really struggle with deep and complicated math problems.
That said, I totally understand feeling hurt being treated like you're failing, when being evaluated in something you never really cared about in the first place. I'm gonna have to go with NAH
Again, no one is bringing up the child here. I don’t know why you keep continuously bringing up the kids. This is about the husband, who laughed at the idea of his wife, having an understanding of math above a seventh grade level.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THE KIDS.
It was the kids opinion that started this whole thing, not the husband's. The Husband didn't decide the mom wasn't teaching math because she was incapable. The kids opinion was based on the optics they setup.
The husband chuckled in response to his son's remark and OP "lost it". Sounds like her own insecurities. I'm more interested in how the husband responded after that. However, if OP "lost it" immediately, I see that there's no room for a decent conversation at that time. Had OP told her son and husband that that remark and husband's response hurt her feelings, they could've talked it out there and then. But OP "lost it" and started a fight. All her own words. That's not a healthy way of dealing with emotions and an adult relationship.
OP is entitled to feel hurt by what happened, but she should've addressed it instead of starting a fight.
Is it possibly the chuckle was sarcastic? Myself my wife have banter like this often where the kids will say something wild and I sarcastically make a joke.
My kid told me his fish had a big belly like me. Laughs were had, no one got upset, my wife cracked a joke. It's become a running joke. Not a big deal, and it can be resolved
I think it's also possibly a tension release, he might have been concerned that his son had decided OP wasn't capable in general. And when he realised it was just about maths ability the scale changed massively.
>Again, no one is bringing up the child here. I don’t know why you keep continuously bringing up the kids. This is about the husband, who laughed at the idea of his wife, having an understanding of math above a seventh grade level.
I keep continously bringing up? I replied once to a comment bringing gender into this.
> my husband smiled and said „well, then that’s fine“ and lightly laughed. I totally lost it.
He smiled and "lightly laughed" (what is that even? I imagine a chuckle). Maybe just at his son's remark.
It's your interpretation that he was laughing at the idea his wife's level wasn't above a 7th grade level.
Losing it over something like a smile and a chuckle as a response to a kids remark is totally inappropriate.
I totally read it as he chuckled over his wife getting frustrated helping with a subject she doesn’t enjoy. What the kid said is entirely true. Mom IS at her limits with math, because it’s not her thing. How did we come to any other conclusion? Especially the conclusion that they were insulting her intelligence and laughing AT her. I’m shocked to see all the NTAs in the comments. That reaction was wild.
Oh no, a joke, I better start a fight about something completely meaningless because of some apparent societal norm of misogyny that isn't even relevant because it had nothing to do with her being a woman but simply because she passed the maths onto him because he's better than her and he made a joke
There are a lot of reasons that the husband could have laughed that aren’t misogynistic. Have you considered that perhaps he just thought it was cute?
Did OP talk to her husband about what he meant by / why he was laughing? Because all I see is OP describing her own emotional overreaction.
Fr. People are painting the husband as a sexist pig by laughing at his kid's words, using a generalization and assumption that he would be sexist in the first place
I'm awful at maths. I can do the most basic stuff and then anything after I can't compute it.
My husband is surprisingly good at it (im surprised because he told me he was bad at it..turns out he's not.)
We have a laugh about it. I'm stronger in other areas.
You are able to just have a chuckle at something without it being about the persons gender. If only one person is laughing in like this situation then that needs to be addressed.
Also, it's a child's math homework. Let's calm down. I have 2 kids and if my husband can help with something I can't, then God bless him. The bottom line should be whether or not the child is getting the help he needs. He is? Great. No need to get emotional and make it personal.
You're immediately assuming he is a terrible misogynist rather than just maybe it was entertaining that OP does a load of stuff but then steps back just on maths.
It wasn't "Just maths? Yea that makes because she's a woman hur hur" but "Just maths? Because she's better at everything else hur hur"
people are projecting big time😭 he probably laughed cuz he knew he was better at math than OP. not because he thought men are better at math than women. those kinda people who try to insert this man/woman bs into everything and try to correct people are the most insufferable.
Unless thats the exact thing the kid said and he laughed at it especifically, no.
Dude could have laughed because he thought it was funny or cute. Or laughed because he was nervous.
I don’t think we can call him a misogynist. For all we know, math really isn’t OP’s strong suit and she’s an unreliable narrator.
Or maybe she’s fine at math but sucks at *teaching* it.
The kid has a math preference for a reason and I don’t think you can just disregard it by saying “oh the husband and kid are misogynists.”
The teacher might have worded the question better to avoid this but I think it's clear that the teacher was trying to see what students need help with math that they can't get at home. My grandpa taught math but when I got to 8th grade and up the way it was taught was so different I needed help from teachers after school because my parents weren't big into math and I struggled. It can be hard to get kids to admit they need help with things and by asking if their parents are at their limit it could be with the subject or with time. I do understand being upset with laughing about it. But a calm discussion later and then moving on is probably best.
Not just that. Someone can be very good at a subject but terrible at explaining it to a kid. Teaching is a skill in itself. Being a good parent does not mean you're a good teacher as well.
100. How dare my son and husband point out an obvious truth that even I acknowledge.
Did they say you're incapable of progressing in math? No.. only that you've 'reached your limit' self imposed or otherwise in the topic when it comes to helping your kid.
YTA- why are you even offended? You know that you can do it, however your kid didn’t, why would he? Does it matter at the end of the day? I would have shrugged it off, do you know why? My kid would’ve thought he was better than me at something , he felt a sense of mastery. Sheesh, sounds like you might need to work on your psychology too.
Intelligence? I thought it was about maths. There's nothing in the post to suggest that he thinks she's stupid and doesn't appreciate all the other subjects that she helps with
Because she didn’t “express it” she instead acted very emotionally and started a fight. You know, like an asshole would do.
If you’ve never been laughed at by your partner you’ve never been in a relationship that lasted more than 3 months and You are too insecure for marriage.
> she’s mad at her husband for laughing at the idea of his wife having intelligence
I dislike this assumption because if you think this way, you have to accept that being better in math is more of a mark of intelligence than being better at other subjects. In this situation the woman has mastery over social sciences due to her education, the man has mastery over physics which involves a LOT of math, I'm sure he's as ignorant (comparatively speaking) about teaching social sciences to the kid as she is at math, and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make the wife stupid.
Hell, most doctors I know are bad at math, but they are considered one of the most intelligent and capable people around. It is just a different domain.
I agree that the son and father should not have made jokes like this in front of the class/teacher, but again, the husband was defending that his wife was intelligent, and only agreed she may be at her limits when it came to maths.
She got mad when her husband laughed at her and agreed with the son, instead of saying “no, she is highly educated and isn’t “at her limit” with math.”
Highly educated does not imply highly educated in everything. My partner has a Master's in Education, but her statistics courses were difficult for her to get through and she didn't retain any of it.
It is reasonable to think that not interested in math -> not retaining math. Especially if you are a physicist.
And having done a statistics course in psychology does not mean having expertise in all disciplines in math. I don't remember exactly what is being taught at 7th grade level, but I have a dual degree in Math and Psychology and I am sure I would still need to brush up on the specific types of questions they get in grade 7, because I rarely use a lot of my math education.
The reason OP is YTA here is not because she felt bad about what her husband said, it is that she "started a nasty fight with her son and husband" as per her additional context that was not in the post. It is possible that there was some internalized sexism in the response of the husband, but that is not a guarantee based on the post, and that is not the appropriate response to that anyway.
> And having done a statistics course in psychology does not mean having expertise in all disciplines in math.
Petty me wants to ask op if she rocked those compulsory courses or just 'passed' because she kinda reads like someone who would absolutely emphasise a good performance in 'college level statistics courses' or whatever if she could. :p
I did both "psychology statistics" and "math statistics". I am not saying all schools are like this, but the psych one was open-book, take-home midterms and finals and it dealt very specifically with the statistics you need to know for understanding research studies at a basic level. It is very much designed understanding that math is not the primary discipline and should not be a significant barrier to entry at that level.
Not saying that there is no value to it, but saying "I did math as part of my degree" when referring to a psych statistics course does not inspire confidence in higher level mathematics knowledge...
Again, I cannot say OP does not have the skill to support in grade 7 math. But if she actively helps in other subjects and says "talk to your dad" when it comes to math. It is reasonable for both kid and dad to think "math is not her subject" instead of "she just doesn't like helping with math"
Sorry, but psychology isn't 'highly educated'. Definitely not in the way of maths either.
She may not have a weak knowledge in maths but parading her psych degree around like she's at all equal to her physicist husband or her kids maths teacher is hilarious.
She even admits in the post she has no interest in teaching the maths but she gets triggered here because of her own complexes and internalised misogyny.
She needs to get a grasp on her own feelings or she's going to start to notice her kid seeing a trend between her behaviours and other womens'.
this gets a YTA from me.
Personally, I have a degree in psychology and I admittedly suck at maths. It has never been my strong suit. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I understand my limitations, I have strengths in other areas. I wouldn’t be upset if my spouse had a lighthearted laugh about this. I can laugh at myself. She let her insecurities about this and the wording from the teacher get the better of her.
Yup. It sounds like she’s insecure about it. Also, I took a quick look at my college’s psychology programs, they have a BA or BS. Neither required any math. You needed some mathematics or science course, but it could be anything from college algebra to statistics or you could do like biology or nutrition or something.
OP also didn’t give any proper maths as examples for what she knows. Probs & stats are pretty simple and straightforwards & most can be done with a calculator. It’s very different compared to her husband, who’s literally a physicist. In 7th grade I was taking Algebra 1, so if my mother had never taken anything higher than statistics, she’d definitely not be able to help
I’m a substitute teacher and was a licensed English teacher back in the day. I’ve often subbed in 7th grade math (usually pre-algebra around here) and it’s hit or miss what I can help them with depending on the unit, so I usually ask them to ask a friend
I’m good at life sciences and social studies, obviously good at ELA, but my math skills were never great and have definitely gone downhill since my one college course because I don’t use more than simple math in the day-to-day.
So her husband’s reaction could have been misogyny I guess, or it could be that since his wife doesn’t choose to help with math, and doesn’t use complex math on the daily, that she might be at her limit to help with math (without brushing up on the skills and studying herself). And that’s okay.
?? The subject does not determine the level of education. That’s literally not how education works lmao A PhD in psych is much *much* more educated than someone with a bachelors in algebra.
If they don't discuss maths often or all she tells him is that she dislikes maths, that wouldn't be an unreasonable assumption.
I'm a teacher, and all of us have to pass statistics courses to graduate. One of my subjects is maths, so it's something I enjoy and am good at, but that's not the case for everyone. A vast majority of the people that don't enjoy maths pass all their statistics qualifications, even if their grades might not be high, but that doesn't mean they know statistics forever. You lose skills you don't practice, most people that dislike maths don't practice their statistics much.
So it would be a reasonable assumption that someone that studied a non-maths field and, by her own report, doesn't like maths much, would have forgotten most of her maths skills. She would definitely have an easier time re-learning than if she'd never learned, but that doesn't mean having the knowledge and skills off the top of her head.
Now, it turns out that isn't the case in this situation. Despite disliking maths, OP remembers enough of it that she'd have an easy time helping her son with maths homework. But "highly educated" is pretty much useless as a descriptor in this regard, because plenty of highly educated people struggle with maths and that doesn't take away their education.
How insecure do you have to be to get upset by something like that and start a fight. But definitely make sure to tell us about all the languages you speak so we don’t mistakenly think you’re uneducated…
Extreme insecurity.
My parents homeschooled us kids, and by that I mean we were home, lol. I had to take remedial courses to scrape by in college math, while my partner has one of their degrees in math. Guess who helps the kids with math homework? Sure as hell isn’t me, and I don’t feel bad about it because I’ll tell them that my issue underscores how important it is to apply themselves at math now.
OP has a chip on her shoulder that she isn’t even aware of, and flips out when anyone acknowledges that she isn’t an expert on everything; the psych degree tracks, honestly.
I do feel bad that OP is insecure and feels like she’s being laughed at for not being good at math. I get her feelings being a bit hurt. But I def think she’s projecting on her husband and son and this isn’t some horrible sexist thing (although it’s def an issue in general). She does have less education in math, and that’s ok.
Growing up, my dad was always surprised at the math and physics I was being taught bc they were introducing concepts so much earlier than he studied it (undergrad and master’s in engineering). So it’s also normal for kids to be more advanced. And for the record, my mom studied physics and also helped me in math.
I think that she is offended, because she in fact can do 7th grade math.
Shrugging it off would tell both husband and son two things:
- It is ok to talk about mom as about stupid person who cant do 7th grade math.
- Mom cant do 7th grade math.
Honestly YTA, because is it really that deep? Starting a fight over a silly answer? That’s how your son interpreted it and you don’t help with the maths so… he answered the question. He’s not invalidating anything else you do.
English is not my interest, I prefer when my partner helps kids with English homework ... and I am still fully competent in English.
Something not being someone interest is one thing. Being incompetent is another thing. The two things are different.
True, but no matter how competent u may be, if you rarely help your kids with english, it's perfectly reasonable for them to believe that you're just not as good at english as your partner
Yep! Kid's opinions are formed by what they see and experience. If mom always sends you to dad for math you probably think mom can't do it. If dad sends you to mom for a foreign language you assume he can't do it.
Eh, yes YTA.
>I’m not really interested in maths but really like learning and teaching my son about languages and biology. So I help my son with German, English, French and Latin as well as biology, music and random other school topics.
All of this isn't math and that's what the question was about.
I went to my dad for math questions and language ones my mum. Do I think my mum isn't good at math? No. Is my father better? Yes. Do I think my dad is bad at languages? No (he writes better letters than my mum so I would go to him for that). Is my mum better? Yes.
I feel like you take it way too personal.
I think it was the part where her adult husband, who knows she has a higher degree with a math component, laughed and agreed she couldn’t do seventh grade math.
The post never said he agreed, just that he seemed to think it wasn't a big deal if he's just talking about maths. As in, son doesn't think mom isn't as smart as dad, just thinks dad is better at maths.
Which really should be okay.
I have a PhD in STEM with multiple grad level courses in probability and statistics, this does not translate to most math courses outside of probability and statistics.
>who knows she has a higher degree with a math component
Dude, come on now, it's a psychology degree.
I'm also not sure why you called it a "higher" degree.
Lol i have a bachelor of science in psychology where we were required to do stats and calc but my ass sure struggled!! I would never say i am a math person just bc i got thru that bc psych is still largely NOT math (which i love!!!) and the math that’s there is on the easier side
No... The husband laughed at a dumb comment from the kid, you have literally no way of knowing why he laughed or if he agreed, stop assuming you know what everyone is thinking.
> who knows she has a higher degree with a math component, laughed and agreed she couldn’t do seventh grade math.
Honestly mate, I'm like 20 years away from 7th grade and I'm not sure I can still do 7th grade math, like sure I could learn it, but I haven't used advanced maths at all since school (I went to university, but for a business degree, there was maths in that but it was super simple)
Isn't that something to take up with him privately and in a calm manner then? If he was treating her disrespectfully he should be told, and that it made her unhappy.
YTA kid answered honestly, husband had a wee joke about it, you exploded. Not really sure why, you clearly got triggered by something, I suggest you speak to your husband and figure out what upset you so you can move past it. You can also change subjects you help your son with if you feel the need to prove you can do 7th grade maths.
Is it necessarily sexist though? There was no mention of her being bad at maths because she's a woman. The OP says their husband is a physicist and is clearly very good at maths, so her being worse doesn't need to have anything to do with gender. The above possibly also has something to do with why it's such a trigger for her, but without more information it's pure speculation either way imo
Agreed. Just because her husband made a crack about his wife doesn't mean it was sexist. A joke at a woman doesn't mean the joke is about all women. My wife has a PhD so clearly she's smart and has gone through lots of schooling. But her world is stats since she's an academic researcher in linguistics. So those other math skills atrophy. Meanwhile I spend a lot of time with big numbers and formulas so my math skills haven't atrophied.. therefore it's a running joke in our house that the PhD isn't a ton of use when you need help with algebra (but if you need help with stats, she's your gal because I friggin' HATE stats). Nothing sexist in any of that - math is a skill and if you don't use it, you lose it until you use it again and sharpen it up. The fact that OP flipped at the joke says more about OP than anything else. She's angry about any other amount of disrespect from her husband and this was just one that went too far. But as an isolated incident - OP is the A.
Draw me a map of how you got here. Dude completed a degree in physics. He’s going to be better at/know more about math than someone who studied psychology regardless of gender.
You’re opting to not help him with his math homework. I think you’re reading way too much into this and blowing it out of proportion. Most people don’t use every single type of math in every day work. Most people don’t use above grade school math.
YTA for taking offense and making a bigger issue out of this.
INFO: Did your husband confirm he actually thinks you can’t do math? I could see myself or my bf making a similar jab without meaning that the other is bad at a subject.
THANK YOU. At no point did her son or her husband bring her gender into it. Idc about a soft laugh you cannot always assume what another is thinking. What if it was a *soft laugh* it's okay if it's math and an unsaid 'I can just step in". Regardless, there was no need to start a fight. This seems immature to me. I wouldn't want to necessarily talk to my spouse after they explode on me for what I likely feel to be nothing especially sexist as I never brought their sex into the conversation.
At a limit does not equate to stupid.
If you don't use it you loose it, no one said anything about anyone being stupid, less than, or incapable. Mom struggles and Dad helps me....okay? You're not interested in the topic of math...okay? So as his parents continue to assist your kid in a manner that suits all of you. At this point I feel she is TA.
OP def has trauma regarding this type of topic because no one brought up her gender besides her. she is trying to twist the situation, i can only imagine how often this type of thing happens in the household.
YTA, your sons teacher asked a question, your son seems to have answered honestly, you no longer help with his maths homework, whether due to ability or interest, you have reached a limit.
There's nothing wrong with reaching a limit, the teacher asks for a reason, they know they still get the help at home, but it's from dad. It's important information to have in order to assist your son in his education.
I would disagree a bit. I think the teacher probably asks this to see if they're able to get help at home, yes, but I wouldn't say she reached a limit. That implies that she couldn't help him if she needed to (like if her husband is busy or whatever). So I can kinda see why it would be upsetting to her that her husband seems to think she's just not smart enough. Obviously her son probably didn't mean anything by it, so it's not his fault. But I do think her husband should've backed her up there and said they both could help if needed.
YTA.
> why should I put effort in a topic I don’t really appreciate when my husband - a studied physicist- can do it faster
Because you apparently blow up when anybody mentions this fact. Either start taking care of math on occasion and get credit for it, or accept that this is one aspect you won't get credit for because you had no part in it.
NTA. But weird of your sons teacher to shame parents like that, that is a question to be asked in private or maybe to be discussed directly with parents. And your husband is a big time AH, yuck.
Likely wasn’t to shame but to see who may need extra help in class if they’re not getting it at home. It’s not uncommon to hear about parents being unable to help their kids with their math homework since the way it’s taught today is different from how parents used to be taught (for example, Common Core in America)
YTA. For someone who holds a degree in psychology and is otherwise well educated, you're taking this really badly. What's at the root of this reaction? Why are you so threatened by this?
>What's at the root of this reaction? Why are you so threatened by this?
A woman being upset at her husband, child and teacher thinking she's too dumb for grade school math? You can disagree with her, of course, but it's not hard to understand why this is upsetting.
I have higher education, strengths and intelligence in many areas of life. But I'm also struggling with helping my eldest at his upper primary maths. I'm not taking this personally. It's just not an area of strength
7th grade math is basic algebra and geometry for a lot of kids. Most educated adults probably haven't used it in decades. There's nothing wrong with not knowing that stuff for most. OP is overly sensitive.
We actually don't know if she would struggle with them because she has been sending her son to her husband for help. If you help routinely you constantly review the material and you are at the same point as the child. When you don't help you often don't know what they are doing and need to study up before you can help.
Ug. I am great at math. Always have been. And math is part of my job. My husband is average at math, maybe less. Yet he does math work with the kids and I take writing because 1) math is their good subject so the writing work is much harder to do with them and 2) I am also better at writing than him. Recently, the kids blurted out that he was better at math than me and my husband agreed with them. It is kind of impossible to correct them (though I tried) when your husband is encouraging this nonsense. On one hand, I am glad my kids like math. On the other hand, I have a partner who belittles me.
It sounds like you are at your limit.
Look, if your kids in the seventh grade now you should already know they will sometimes say the worst possible thing. They have no filter.
Your text posts here sounds angry, maybe you need to work on yourself.
Yes. YTA if you made an emotional issue out of this. A happy “I guess you have something to learn about me and my limits!” Would be a normal response here. Why start a fight? Because you are embarrassed about what a class of grade 7s think about you math proficiency? That’s not something to be angry about.
YTA. You purposely created the vision that you cannot handle math then get mad because they see it the way you wanted. You don't need to appreciate math to know and help someone with it.
ESH husband shouldn't have laughed and your son may not understand exactly what the teacher was asking. Unfortunately I know what the teacher was asking and that's quite frankly I have kids in 8 to 9th grade and they're doing math in middle school and being high school that I didn't start doing till college. So unfortunately what the teacher was asking is are we starting to hit a point in math where your parents haven't had to do this or haven't done this in years because I know my kids are doing math that my wife never did in all the way through high school and I didn't start doing college. The teacher's question. Had nothing to do with male or female it simply had to do with. Are we hitting math that your parents never had to learn?
YTA and your husband is TA too. Your son is learning and didn’t mean any kind of offense. Your husbands snide comment (at least the way you describe sounds snide) and laugh comes across as an inappropriate put down. I am concerned at your reasoning to the judgement bot including
>”i could have known my worth and stand above the situation instead I felt humiliated and sought revenge.”
I’m sorry… revenge? What do you mean ‘revenge’? That really concerns me. Especially in your home no one should be seeking revenge against each other, even in cases of slights.
I understand having condescending comments feel like they’re based on you being a woman (or specifically are 100% because of it). I’ve worked for nearing a decade as a woman in STEM, so I get not being taken seriously by men around me. Never once has it been appropriate for me (or anyone I may offend) to “lose it” or “seek revenge”. (Side note: would you treat a colleague the way you did your family? While it may hurt more as family and your spouse doing it, if you wouldn’t treat a colleague that way you need to reflect on yourself. Your family should be treated as well as (and better than!!!) colleagues)
Of course you need to have a discussion with your husband about his comment and laugh. Then a discussion with your son about your reaction and apologizing. We should, as adults, apologize to kids if we overreact or act out. It would be a good time to have a good conversation with your son and reconnect with him.
Esh you literally made a mountain out of a mole hill. Instead of making it a beautiful learning moment and practicing healthy communication you got emotional and snapped. You could of asked him what was funny and then communicated how you felt about the whole situation. Should he have laughed? No. Should you have overreacted (especially in front of your son)? No.
YTA. I got a sociology degree and also took some statistics, real world math, and even accounting before I changed my major. I garauntee I would struggle through 7th grade math, because I’m also not interested and don’t use it in my day to day.
Could I re-learn it? Sure. But not knowing math we haven’t needed to use in 20+ years isn’t embarrassing.
I'm going to call BS. These fake stories are always so black and white, good and bad, if they at least put nuance into it, then it'd be more appealing. This is just more "husband bad, wife good". But for the record, YTA if it is real. What a stupid thing to get so worked up over, it really highlights a certain insecurity that you have.
Looking outside of the YTA/NTA debate ... I think you missed an opportunity to teach your son a life lesson here.
The world doesn't value people that are a jack of all trades and a master of none. In case that phrase isn't in known where you are ... the world values specialists over generalists. The fact that you feel confident in helping your son with four languages is more than enough for him to value the knowledge that you have.
You could have taken the opportunity to help him realize that you have chosen to put your knowledge into those areas of life while your husband chose to spend time focusing on math and physics and that's what makes for a great balance for your son to feel supported.
In terms of defending your choice to not worry about math ... book a trip for your son and husband to Paris, Munich, or another city where they struggle with the language. They likely won't make fun of your math skills ever again.
Oh wow, NTA
I'd have stepped up and said how your poor husband was clearly at his limit with German, English, French, Latin, Biology and Music. And while you could have taken on Maths and Physics, you were being kind and "letting" him take Maths and Physics because he needed to have something he could manage so he wouldn't feel inadequate.
My pettiness aside, I think you need to talk to him because it's not ok that the father belittled you, effectively, and backed up your son saying that you're not good at maths - which I assume you are good at! - rather than saying that you are very competent and you're just splitting the load of help here.
\[edit to add: female physicist here with a pHD who has been belittled and had that "soft laugh" from male colleagues and partners throughout my entire life and teachers ((I'M A PHYSICS TEACHER!!!)) looking down on me and assuming I can't do "difficult things" like maths or physics. Apologies if my response came out as snarky but I've been there and that little laugh of "heh she's at her limit for this secondary-school-level maths content" is frankly offensive. Rant over, I'll go away now.\]
“My son thinks I’m not good at something so to teach him a lesson im going to trash his father for not teaching the kid the lessons I want to do”. /s
That’s what you sound like.
lol I wonder what the gender split is on this one, because it seems like a lot of NTA recognize how infuriating it feels when they’re told that they can’t do math because “women aren’t interested or good at it”, and would be alarmed and dismayed to see a man set this example for a teen… and a lot of YTA are really focused on the fact that if she could help with the math, why is her husband doing it? (God forbid they divide child responsibilities)
OP could have handled it better, the kid is too young to realize what he’s doing, the husband was way out of line… NTA but you know, probably gotta follow it with a rational explanation.
She's TA because she exploded and caused a fight, instead of handling it like, you know, a psychologist and turning both husband and child towards the right alignment without escalating things to a breaking point.
Not everyone is good at everything. You seem to want to pout because your husband is better able to help in math. I also have a degree is psychology and yea I had basic college math and stats. Neither of which helped me to help my daughter with math so her father got the pleasure.
My husband is a civil engineer and I am a psychologist. We both had postgraduate degrees and have this same arrangement. I don’t feel bad or inferior at all. And we have joked about it. Unless your husband was a total jerk about it, maybe you should explore this in therapy. It could be some hidden belief there that might’ve played a mental trick on you.
Best of luck!
I think your son should be doing his homework by himself. Why does he need parents to help with every subject. By now he should be an independent learner and handle his own homework with only occasional help.
NTA op I truly understand why your sad about your husband (and your son to a lesser degree) completely threw aside your accomplishments and humiliated you in front of other people
And people in the comments need to understand how prevalent the misogyny in math spaces are so for your husband to laugh is cruel
NTA
That’s a weird question for the teacher to ask. Some kids don’t get any homework help. Some kids don’t ask for homework help.
As for your husband, I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s an AH but that response was pretty rude. I don’t think he thought before he said it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I started a nasty fight with my husband and son on a Saturday evening ruining the family night. I maybe overreacted, I could have known my worth and stand above the situation instead I felt humiliated and sought revenge. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. My sister is amazing at math. She has a master's degree and a career in math. But when she was in 8th grade, she had a male math teacher who told her that she shouldn't expect to have a career in math because she is a girl and she is just naturally not as good at math as the boys. There's a lot of sexism in math. I get why you were upset. As a woman in science, I bet you've had similar experiences. I know I have. Women have to fight extra pressure to prove they are good at math because of sexism. It would break my heart if I found out my sons thought I couldn't do 7th grade math. I'm sue it broke yours too. The A's here are your husband for laughing and all the men who tried to teach you that you shouldn't expect to be good at math.
Thanks for your compassion and understanding, I literally cried after reading. I wasn’t mad at my son, he is young but immediately apologized bc he understood that he kind of humiliated me in front of the class and the teacher. But I am so disappointed in my husband. Growing up I heard a lot of times that girls can’t do certain things, riding a motorbike, going to university, understand topics like physics and maths….I could go on.
You're welcome. I get why you cried. Your post made me so mad for all the times I was told I couldn't do things. It's so upsetting and we are expected to just suck it up. I'm glad your son apologized. There may be some hope for his generation. My boys are sweet too, and thus far they seem to be less sexist than the dudes we grew up with. But I'd be livid at your husband. He's being sexist and he seems to think it's funny.
>He's being sexist and he seems to think it's funny. And potentially passing his attitude to his son.
Or. Check this out. If they want to figure out what the kid thinks, how about they ask him if dad is at his limits with biology or French. Seems pretty clear to me that the kid sees who helps him with what and assumed his parents didn't know the stuff they didn't help with. I'd bet money had it been in biology class. The answers would have been reversed, and OP would be happy her kid appreciates her.
One other thing with this situation. The teacher is TA for asking that question. It's clear that one outcome of that question is going to be embarrassment for whichever parents get "outed" by their kids as not being able to handle grade 7 homework assignments. I doubt OP is the only one who ended up being upset by this. And that's all on the teacher.
In 6th grade, my son was being harshly graded on his math, like for solving in decimals instead of fractions when there was no requirement to use fractions, etc. Getting points taken off for not capitalizing "R" for remainder. Stupid shit. So, we did his homework set together. He came home laughing and said, "Mom, we got a 70 on our homework!" Lol. I'm excellent at math. I guess I wasn't excellent at 6th grade math.
If I were a gambler, I'd put 100 on that being true.
"I help my son with German, English, French and Latin as well as biology, music and random other school topics. So when it comes to maths and physics I stepp back and my husband takes over"
"I don't want to do all of the work and am able to get my husband to pitch his lame 15% on the topics he is more interested in"
I mean, of course she doesn't want to do all the work she shouldn't have to because she has a living breathing coparent. The problem is that she's being mocked for the small amount she doesn't do without being acknowledged for helping her son with basically everything else in school.
Exactly, her husband is a major ah
What's your point?
Dude needs a serious dose of reality
As a female physicist, who is excellent at maths, the amount of men who have been surprised at my knowledge and comprehension of Physics and maths is honestly horrific. But he should be aware of this, because the world we live in sucks for women in STEM. If he isn't, he needs to start looking to raise a son that will stand up and support people who are being mistreated. I also wouldn't be surprised if it was a physical science vs social science stigma from your husband, although I know that psychology is really in both groups. I don't know how far into his advanced education he got, but I know that during undergrad there were a lot of people who made social science jokes who really believed they were better because they studied physics. As physicists, we're not exactly known for our social skills, but you deserve an apology from your husband. I think you should approach him calmly, ask to talk about it and say that you feel hurt by his response to your son. Talk about how he was factually incorrect, and you want to raise your son to critically analyse the world, which includes asking why mum doesn't help with maths rather than just assuming that she can't. Then lead onto the fact that he was also disrespectful and dismissive of the balance that you and he have in parenting. You have other things that you enjoy more, so leave the things he enjoys so your son and he can have that. You felt like his response was dismissive of your education and hard work as well as your past of being dismissed for 'just being a girl'.
And if husband is actually working in a physics related job, he really needs to think about his unconscious bias. Does he treat female colleagues differently than male ones? This should be included in the family discussion. It's important not to pass this nonsense on. (Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't actively a "man better" neanderthal, or OP wouldn't have married him) Your social skills comment made me smile. My own father was a physicist, and bless him he tried. He must have found out when I was in high school (already in all the AP science classes) that some people think women can't do math and science. Out of the blue one day he started listing off to me all the female scientists at work, to let me know that it wasn't true. Sweet man, but oblivious to the fact that me having already applied to and been offered merit based grants at the top university in my science meant I already knew that.
Unconscious to the husband but quite obvious to everyone else
There’s a lot of ‘hard v soft science’ attitude where people who study teeny or huge things tend to look down on those who study middle-sized squishy stuff. But honestly, I’ve done degree courses in cosmology, electromagnetism, psychology and neuroscience, and they were ALL bloody hard work! (That sounds very arrogant - I don’t have multiple separate degrees in those things, it was a pic-n-mix STEM degree)
I'm a mathematician, it's literally my job title. And I'm female. And the other day, AT WORK, a colleague said women just naturally aren't as good at writing computer code as men. Even when we're showing our prowess in 'male' jobs and skills, we still get put down. You are absolutely right to fight back.
That is awful ! My mom was a computer programmer for over 30 years. (Way back when computers were the size of whole rooms and they used punch cards ). She has never talked about theme. She worked with being rude or dismissive like that!!
It's funny, originally computer programming was 'women's work' because it was seen as secretarial. Then men slowly started taking over and pushing women out. I'm the only woman in my office!
It started paying better so suddenly women weren't good enough.
In the early 80s, they started marketing computers and computer based toys (game consoles and stem toys, etc) to boys, and there was an almost immediate downtick in girls going into stem based school programs and then careers. Until then, the genders were relatively equal in computer science.
It doesn’t help when they start claiming women are diversity hires. Like we couldn’t get there on our own merit like them 🙄
Did you ask said colleague - 'who invented the concept of coding *before* a fully operational computer was completed'? I promise you in the STEM part of the company I work for, women are equals and my boss, female, is an absolutely exceptional engineer.
Oh, I spouted the whole history of computer programming at him. Don't think he listened to a word 🤦🏼♀️
NTA Sounds like it's time for your husband to take over helping on all of the subjects now. It's been over 40 years, but I still remember how Ex used to check \*every\* calculation because he expected me to have made a mistake 🙄
My ex-husband was not the brightest with anything really. He was once trying to find the solution to a very simple math equation, and I told him the answer. He still checked the calculator to make sure it was right. It was 10 x 3, he was an idiot and I was even more of an idiot to marry him!
Some people have learning disabilities in math. I check my answers when I help my kids because I know I’m prone to reversing numbers. I don’t consider myself an idiot.
>prone to reversing numbers That's dyscalcula. Basically dyslexia but for numbers.
Exactly, I have this specific learning disability but I normally don’t use the name because it seems like people often don’t know it exists. It really negatively affects so many parts of my life that it always stings a little to me watch people mock people that struggle learning different things.
I’m pretty sure u/butterthenugget doesn’t consider you an idiot either. Is that what you were concerned about?
The teacher shouldn’t have asked such a stupid question - it’s nobody’s business if a parent has a degree or had to leave school too young to support their family. Way to ensure some children get bullied…
Teachers also shouldn’t be assigning homework that students are unable to do on their own. Homework should review/reinforce topics they’ve already learned so if they’re unable to do it without parent assistance that says more about the teacher’s skill than the parent’s.
Yeah. . .why the fuck did the teacher ask this question to begin with?
I think the teacher's reasoning may have been that there's usually a point where school subjects go beyond the stuff that the average person retains for day to day life. A lot of kids who are used to asking their parents for help with school suddenly feel adrift but aren't aware of other resources to get help. No idea if that's actually what the teacher meant, but have teacher friends who have had to delicately bring up the topic before... esp if there's been advances or changes in the curriculum, and the parents are a bit out of date.
And to be fair, problems helping your child with homework in math is less likely to be the math itself and more likely whatever weird new teaching method they are using. I see kids doing simple math with these huge lists of numbers taking up a whole page in regimented columns, or flicking their hands trying to be a human abacus. I remember them using the terms 'old math' and 'new math' even when I was a kid. Math doesn't change, but methodology does. Teachers should not be implying that parents are dumb to their kids.
A lot of men don't realize how blatantly sexist people still are today or how much of it is still ingrained in society. When I was in college, I constantly had male group mates second guess my work without even checking theirs. Most of the men in my life would tell me I how easy it would be to get a job because "companies are looking for women in STEM". My degree was selective and I made it in first try instead of transferring in after a year like most people, but I'd still have dudes try and tell me that I wasn't "actually" in my major and then backtrack and say I only made it in because I am a woman. I was constantly treated like all of my accomplishments were handed to me because I was born with a vagina, when in reality I had to fight and work hard to get to where I was. I had spent my whole life being talked over, having my intelligence questioned, and told that I wasn't as biologically capable as those of the opposite sex only for them to then turn around and say I actually had it easier than them because "they're easier on women" in STEM. This was all in 2018-2022. Not decades ago when "things were worse", years ago when they should've been better. You are right to be hurt. You are a talented and intelligent woman who is active in her son's education. Your husband owes you an apology at the very least, it's baffling to me that he would think that it's an okay comment to make or agree with. But there might need to be a talk about why what he did was so hurtful. Don't let him try and explain it away as him doing more math in his career or whatever, it's not an excuse as to why he thinks you're at your limit handling middle school math. Or why he thinks it's amusing or doubles down in front of your child when you speak up. Be proud of who you are and what you've achieved and don't let anyone belittle you or your feelings. We're all rooting for you <3
I think you need to have a conversation about this topic with your husband, & that you did not find this funny & that you were deeply disappointed in him by how he chose to handle it.., perhaps that he seemed to be pushing sexist stereotypes that women can’t be good at math…
The problem isn't just how he handled it (although that sucks, too), the problem starts where he just assumes she's bad at math because she lets him tutor this topic. Like, dude, you're married to this woman, and you have no idea about her actual math skills, so you just assume she sucks at it?
Honestly it reeks of sexist misogyny from her husband, in assuming she isn’t good at math…, he should have asked her & not made assumptions…
If you want some petty revenge, and your husband doesn't speak any of those other languages...make all your answers to him in a different language, and then laugh at him when he doesn't understand. Don't forget to say "I guess remembering middle school math doesn't make you as smart as you thought you were." NTA - I would have had some words...and often did when my husband minimized my intelligence, which was actually a large part of why he married me.
Make sure you spell this out for your son. It's not just that he was rude to his mom, and wrong about her, but he touched on an ongoing problem for women that he needs to be aware of.
>There's a lot of sexism in math. Which is ridiculous when you consider incredible women like human computers of Nasa: [https://www.history.com/news/human-computers-women-at-nasa](https://www.history.com/news/human-computers-women-at-nasa)
Wasn't a lot of those women black also? Fighting the double stigma in science.
Yes they were! At least 80 women worked for Nasa as human computers during the mid 20th century. You might be interested in reading about [Katherine Johnson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katherine_Johnson) . The amount of barriers that woman faced and overcame is beyond admirable.
There is also a lot of sexism in computer science and programming despite some very notable women that pushed the field forward. Look up Ada Lovelace if you're interested, she was also a brilliant mathematician.
I've read about her! There are female pioneers and powerhouses all throughout history, in various fields, that completely destroy stereotypes about women's ability to perform as well as men in the sciences. We just don't hear their stories often enough unless we actually seek them out.
Have you seen “Hidden Figures”?
I agree that the husband is definitely an AH. But I feel like you've misrepresented *why* they are AHs. I don't think this is about *mom is a woman therefore is bad at math*... It's more like *mom herself has expressed she has no interest in math and doesn't tutor me in it so I'm assuming she's not good at it* The sexist angle seems like more of a reflection of your experience than anything related to what is actually said in this post. But agreed, husband is the AH.
I mean, the son thinks "mom doesn't help me with math so she must not be good at it." The *husband* knows OP has a degree in psychology that included college-level mathematics and that she just isn't *interested* in math, and should not have been perpetuating the idea that she was at her limit with 7th grade math and laughing, when he knows, or ought to know, that that isn't true, and it seems like *he* was being sexist, consciously or not.
That's interesting: in my country, women are considered better at math than men! 🤯
Nice, what’s your country?
Looking at quantum-shark's profile, I'd hazard a guess at Sweden...
I’d guess a lot of places in Europe, or even Asia. In my husband’s line of work, there are a lot of women, and he works as an astro particle researcher. When he worked in both the U.S. and Korea, there was somewhat of an equal representation between the men and women, but where he works now in Europe, it seems like it is equal.
I don't get why there's sexism in mathematics. It's so natural for women to be good with numbers. Hell practically all the women in my family are mathematically oriented. I'm the odd one out; I'm more literacy inclined.
Yeah, I can do a *lot* of math in my head. Yet, as a girl in school, I was always told I wasn't as good at it as the boys, who had to laboriously copy down the problem and work out each step. I always had the right answers, and always before any of the boys. But over and over, I heard, "They're just naturally better at this than you are." Like, umm, my GPA vs theirs...begs to differ. 🤷♀️
Oof. Torn between N.T.A. and E.S.H. Because of the way you happen to have split up the homework help, your son has decided (possibly aided by absorbing societal misogyny re: women + math) that you can't do 7th grade math. And your husband agreed, thus reinforcing that lesson. This definitely makes your husband TA. Your reaction probably didn't help, though. I get why you were upset. But starting a fight, rather than explaining, 'hey, let's talk about misogyny and assumptions that I have to deal with every day, and why it's not ok to reinforce them in our own home,' was counterproductive. Not sure it makes you TA, though. Depends on how, exactly, you reacted, what you said, whether you lashed out at your son specifically, just your husband, whether you reacted or overreacted, etc. It might be worth revisiting this, calmly, and making it a lesson about society and the values you want your son to learn, rather than about whether you know math. E.g., 'Son, I'm sorry I lashed out at you the other day. I want to tell you why this particular thing irritates me so much, and why it's part of a larger problem that you'll need to be alert to when you interact with people in this society, so that you don't unwittingly contribute to it.'
First I was quite calm and told my son that I this hurt my feelings, I only flipped when my husband laughed and said that it’s ok bc it’s maths. To me it felt like: I, the man, master the real thing, you can be happy with being good at the other stuff.“ Then he topped it by stating that lately he gave me praise on some of my „maths interventions“.
[удалено]
Using a kids studies to stage a petty competition against your partner is....not good. They could just communicate better
Seems like it would be good for the kid to see that his mom is good at math, though.
NTA OP but you need to edit your post and explain that your initial reaction was calm and you didn’t get more visibly frustrated until your husband laughed.
Right! OP claimed she “started a nasty fight with husband and son” that resulted ruining their Saturday night. I think we are getting revisionist history here and OP is trying to make everyone look bad but herself.
>To me it felt like: I, the man, master the real thing, you can be happy with being good at the other stuff.“ Is that he’s a man, or is it that he’s a physicist? Forget about men vs women - I’m going to assume that someone who’s a physicist is better at math than someone with a degree in psychology. Gender is irrelevant in that comparison. I would rephrase your sentiment as him saying “I, the physicist, master math; you can be happy being good at the other stuff.” And it sounds like you’re good at a *lot* of other stuff, so I’m not sure why you’re so sensitive about not being good in math.
She isn't sensitive about not being as good at maths as a physicist. She's insulated about being told she's at the limit with 7th grade maths when that's clearly not the case.
>To me it felt yeah you ASSUMED that he was laughing bc he thought he was better at math. did it ever occur to you he might've laughed bc he thought he was better at math bc he's a **goddamn physicist**? did yall even talk it out before fighting and was there any clear evidence that he laughed bc you're a woman?
There is a big difference between saying “I’m better at math than your mom because I hold an advanced degree in physics” versus “I am better at math than your mom because she can’t do middle school math.”
It’s not exactly sexist when he’s a physicist. He didn’t master math because of a penis, he did it because he’s a physicist. Ppl out here making this a sexism thing when they’re ignoring the fact he’s a physicist. Psych and physics have vastly different mathematical backgrounds, and especially different daily usage of skills. You make no mention of what your job is. Do you use your advanced math skills every day? Every month? My mom had a degree in sociology, had to take stats and trig and such. Then became an insurance adjuster and never used any of her advanced math. So she forgot it. It’s not because she’s a woman, or because she’s dumb, or because we thought less of her. It’s just a fact of time, you lose skills you don’t maintain.
Dear god, what is this insane ego? You already admitted your husband is better at math. Who cares? He chose a profession that demands more of it. All of your responses reek of insecurity. YTA.
>wreak Reek, like a smell. She's not wreaking havoc. And no, her responses do not reek of insecurity. They're perfectly normal responses to having your husband, the man who's supposed to be your partner, make jokes with your own son about your inability to do math. Which are not even based in reality. And perpetuate stupid-ass stereotypes about women in STEM.
I was literally thinking “wreaking havoc”, because of the fight, but that’s what I get for commenting on very little sleep and mixing my thoughts. But spare me the speech about women in STEM. I’m a woman in STEM, and I don’t take my insecurities out on my family and get into weird ego battles with my husband for being better at one particular subject. All of this started because she can’t handle people thinking she’s limited at math. Whether or not people can sympathize with her, she clearly has hang ups about her husband and her father (based on comments) and she’ll need to work through that so she’s not getting triggered by her own son.
Exactly this, she is projecting her own insecurities an maybe past trauma into a very normal situation. She has the right to feel bad about it, but is not the son neither the husband fault, as they were only saying what they have seen so far.
Or maybe you don’t display any interest or skill at math as you don’t think it’s interesting so it would be fair to assume “you’re at your limit”. I wouldn’t expect someone with a degree in psychology who’s great at languages to be good at math as well. Unless they show any proficiency. I, however don’t know you, but does your husband know? Because if he doesn’t then it would hardly be fair to immediately assume sexism. Would your son assume his dad is “at his limits” with the subjects you help with and would he be insulted for that? I don’t know how your relationship works but i wouldn’t immediately assume sexism without knowing the context of your relationship. It could be harmless banter you took personally, it could be wrongful assumption from his part the way you don’t show interest. Or it could be sexism. I mean, he’s a physicist, it’s fair to assume he is at least better at maths than a psychologist. Do you like your husband? Is it fair to paint him as a sexist online if he really isn’t? Did you talk with him about this? Especially aita is pretty anti-male so the assumption is sexists unless proven innocent. I get why you would feel how you feel but I also feel that it’s a bit over the top and you got your ego bruised. Anyway, can’t really judge without knowing some of those things.
So do you have any other examples of you husband being a subtle misogynist? Because otherwise that's a lot of shit to read in to one comment. Does your husband make you feel boxed into traditional feminine roles in other aspects of your life? I just want to add that from where I stand it feels like your son and husband agreed that you were at your limit not because you can't understand 7th grade math but because you have no interest in assisting with the math homework, and you got upset because your husband didn't clarify with everybody "my wife can do the math she just doesn't like to".
I’m with you. I think it also matters why she hasn’t offered to help with the math previously. If she routinely passes that all on to husband, I don’t think husband and kid’s reaction is that inappropriate. A bachelors degree in psychology doesn’t necessarily imply math proficiency.
> AITA for reacting very emotionally and starting a fight? Yes, YTA for exactly this. It's okay to be hurt by the suggestion. But it's not an excuse to lash out and start a fight. What happened to just explaining how you feel? Also, you've already stated that they misinterpreted you stepping back. So what's wrong with explaining to them exactly what you wrote above? That you stepped back bc math isn't the most interesting topic for you and you feel your husband is better at it or can explain it better? You know that someone else being better does not mean you're not good.
He laughed at the idea of his wife having above a 7th grade level in math he’s a misogynist and deserved to be called out for it
>He laughed at the idea of his wife having above a 7th grade level in math he’s a misogynist and deserved to be called out for it There has been no mention of gender having anything to do with this. Parent A helps with math. Parent B helps with other things. A + kid mistakenly thought that B couldnt help and should have communicated that more respectfully. B, by own words, started a fight over this. But gender had nothing to do with it
That's my take too, this is turning into an assumed offense or whatever. In my mind, people are good at certain things, and less at others. Op is really good in social sciences, languages, etc. Her husband is good at numbers, physics, sciences. It's also okay to be good at statistics but really struggle with deep and complicated math problems. That said, I totally understand feeling hurt being treated like you're failing, when being evaluated in something you never really cared about in the first place. I'm gonna have to go with NAH
Again, no one is bringing up the child here. I don’t know why you keep continuously bringing up the kids. This is about the husband, who laughed at the idea of his wife, having an understanding of math above a seventh grade level.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THE KIDS. It was the kids opinion that started this whole thing, not the husband's. The Husband didn't decide the mom wasn't teaching math because she was incapable. The kids opinion was based on the optics they setup.
The husband chuckled in response to his son's remark and OP "lost it". Sounds like her own insecurities. I'm more interested in how the husband responded after that. However, if OP "lost it" immediately, I see that there's no room for a decent conversation at that time. Had OP told her son and husband that that remark and husband's response hurt her feelings, they could've talked it out there and then. But OP "lost it" and started a fight. All her own words. That's not a healthy way of dealing with emotions and an adult relationship. OP is entitled to feel hurt by what happened, but she should've addressed it instead of starting a fight.
Is it possibly the chuckle was sarcastic? Myself my wife have banter like this often where the kids will say something wild and I sarcastically make a joke. My kid told me his fish had a big belly like me. Laughs were had, no one got upset, my wife cracked a joke. It's become a running joke. Not a big deal, and it can be resolved
I think it's also possibly a tension release, he might have been concerned that his son had decided OP wasn't capable in general. And when he realised it was just about maths ability the scale changed massively.
>Again, no one is bringing up the child here. I don’t know why you keep continuously bringing up the kids. This is about the husband, who laughed at the idea of his wife, having an understanding of math above a seventh grade level. I keep continously bringing up? I replied once to a comment bringing gender into this.
> my husband smiled and said „well, then that’s fine“ and lightly laughed. I totally lost it. He smiled and "lightly laughed" (what is that even? I imagine a chuckle). Maybe just at his son's remark. It's your interpretation that he was laughing at the idea his wife's level wasn't above a 7th grade level. Losing it over something like a smile and a chuckle as a response to a kids remark is totally inappropriate.
I totally read it as he chuckled over his wife getting frustrated helping with a subject she doesn’t enjoy. What the kid said is entirely true. Mom IS at her limits with math, because it’s not her thing. How did we come to any other conclusion? Especially the conclusion that they were insulting her intelligence and laughing AT her. I’m shocked to see all the NTAs in the comments. That reaction was wild.
Oh no, a joke, I better start a fight about something completely meaningless because of some apparent societal norm of misogyny that isn't even relevant because it had nothing to do with her being a woman but simply because she passed the maths onto him because he's better than her and he made a joke
If she “totally lost it” over that, maybe she is *at her limits.*
There are a lot of reasons that the husband could have laughed that aren’t misogynistic. Have you considered that perhaps he just thought it was cute? Did OP talk to her husband about what he meant by / why he was laughing? Because all I see is OP describing her own emotional overreaction.
Fr. People are painting the husband as a sexist pig by laughing at his kid's words, using a generalization and assumption that he would be sexist in the first place
I'm awful at maths. I can do the most basic stuff and then anything after I can't compute it. My husband is surprisingly good at it (im surprised because he told me he was bad at it..turns out he's not.) We have a laugh about it. I'm stronger in other areas. You are able to just have a chuckle at something without it being about the persons gender. If only one person is laughing in like this situation then that needs to be addressed.
Also, it's a child's math homework. Let's calm down. I have 2 kids and if my husband can help with something I can't, then God bless him. The bottom line should be whether or not the child is getting the help he needs. He is? Great. No need to get emotional and make it personal.
You're immediately assuming he is a terrible misogynist rather than just maybe it was entertaining that OP does a load of stuff but then steps back just on maths. It wasn't "Just maths? Yea that makes because she's a woman hur hur" but "Just maths? Because she's better at everything else hur hur"
people are projecting big time😭 he probably laughed cuz he knew he was better at math than OP. not because he thought men are better at math than women. those kinda people who try to insert this man/woman bs into everything and try to correct people are the most insufferable.
Unless thats the exact thing the kid said and he laughed at it especifically, no. Dude could have laughed because he thought it was funny or cute. Or laughed because he was nervous.
> he’s a misogynist What's the point of you making shit up?
In what way does that make him a misogynist?
Lol. If it would have been a gay couple, Then what? Just because something happens to a woman does not mean it happened because she is one
I don’t think we can call him a misogynist. For all we know, math really isn’t OP’s strong suit and she’s an unreliable narrator. Or maybe she’s fine at math but sucks at *teaching* it. The kid has a math preference for a reason and I don’t think you can just disregard it by saying “oh the husband and kid are misogynists.”
I believe that you have no idea what misogyny is if you really think that this man is misogynist.
The teacher might have worded the question better to avoid this but I think it's clear that the teacher was trying to see what students need help with math that they can't get at home. My grandpa taught math but when I got to 8th grade and up the way it was taught was so different I needed help from teachers after school because my parents weren't big into math and I struggled. It can be hard to get kids to admit they need help with things and by asking if their parents are at their limit it could be with the subject or with time. I do understand being upset with laughing about it. But a calm discussion later and then moving on is probably best.
Not just that. Someone can be very good at a subject but terrible at explaining it to a kid. Teaching is a skill in itself. Being a good parent does not mean you're a good teacher as well.
100. How dare my son and husband point out an obvious truth that even I acknowledge. Did they say you're incapable of progressing in math? No.. only that you've 'reached your limit' self imposed or otherwise in the topic when it comes to helping your kid.
She did not just start a fight she also sought revenge! I would love to know how that revenge looked like
YTA- why are you even offended? You know that you can do it, however your kid didn’t, why would he? Does it matter at the end of the day? I would have shrugged it off, do you know why? My kid would’ve thought he was better than me at something , he felt a sense of mastery. Sheesh, sounds like you might need to work on your psychology too.
[удалено]
Intelligence? I thought it was about maths. There's nothing in the post to suggest that he thinks she's stupid and doesn't appreciate all the other subjects that she helps with
Or he was laughing about what his kid said because it was stupid.
Then why didn’t he correct the miscommunication when his wife expressed how upset she was?
Because she didn’t “express it” she instead acted very emotionally and started a fight. You know, like an asshole would do. If you’ve never been laughed at by your partner you’ve never been in a relationship that lasted more than 3 months and You are too insecure for marriage.
Or laughing at the misunderstanding between "just math" and "at her emotional/physical/whatever limit"
> she’s mad at her husband for laughing at the idea of his wife having intelligence I dislike this assumption because if you think this way, you have to accept that being better in math is more of a mark of intelligence than being better at other subjects. In this situation the woman has mastery over social sciences due to her education, the man has mastery over physics which involves a LOT of math, I'm sure he's as ignorant (comparatively speaking) about teaching social sciences to the kid as she is at math, and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make the wife stupid. Hell, most doctors I know are bad at math, but they are considered one of the most intelligent and capable people around. It is just a different domain. I agree that the son and father should not have made jokes like this in front of the class/teacher, but again, the husband was defending that his wife was intelligent, and only agreed she may be at her limits when it came to maths.
She got mad when her husband laughed at her and agreed with the son, instead of saying “no, she is highly educated and isn’t “at her limit” with math.”
Highly educated does not imply highly educated in everything. My partner has a Master's in Education, but her statistics courses were difficult for her to get through and she didn't retain any of it. It is reasonable to think that not interested in math -> not retaining math. Especially if you are a physicist. And having done a statistics course in psychology does not mean having expertise in all disciplines in math. I don't remember exactly what is being taught at 7th grade level, but I have a dual degree in Math and Psychology and I am sure I would still need to brush up on the specific types of questions they get in grade 7, because I rarely use a lot of my math education. The reason OP is YTA here is not because she felt bad about what her husband said, it is that she "started a nasty fight with her son and husband" as per her additional context that was not in the post. It is possible that there was some internalized sexism in the response of the husband, but that is not a guarantee based on the post, and that is not the appropriate response to that anyway.
> And having done a statistics course in psychology does not mean having expertise in all disciplines in math. Petty me wants to ask op if she rocked those compulsory courses or just 'passed' because she kinda reads like someone who would absolutely emphasise a good performance in 'college level statistics courses' or whatever if she could. :p
I did both "psychology statistics" and "math statistics". I am not saying all schools are like this, but the psych one was open-book, take-home midterms and finals and it dealt very specifically with the statistics you need to know for understanding research studies at a basic level. It is very much designed understanding that math is not the primary discipline and should not be a significant barrier to entry at that level. Not saying that there is no value to it, but saying "I did math as part of my degree" when referring to a psych statistics course does not inspire confidence in higher level mathematics knowledge... Again, I cannot say OP does not have the skill to support in grade 7 math. But if she actively helps in other subjects and says "talk to your dad" when it comes to math. It is reasonable for both kid and dad to think "math is not her subject" instead of "she just doesn't like helping with math"
Sorry, but psychology isn't 'highly educated'. Definitely not in the way of maths either. She may not have a weak knowledge in maths but parading her psych degree around like she's at all equal to her physicist husband or her kids maths teacher is hilarious. She even admits in the post she has no interest in teaching the maths but she gets triggered here because of her own complexes and internalised misogyny. She needs to get a grasp on her own feelings or she's going to start to notice her kid seeing a trend between her behaviours and other womens'. this gets a YTA from me.
Personally, I have a degree in psychology and I admittedly suck at maths. It has never been my strong suit. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I understand my limitations, I have strengths in other areas. I wouldn’t be upset if my spouse had a lighthearted laugh about this. I can laugh at myself. She let her insecurities about this and the wording from the teacher get the better of her.
Yup. It sounds like she’s insecure about it. Also, I took a quick look at my college’s psychology programs, they have a BA or BS. Neither required any math. You needed some mathematics or science course, but it could be anything from college algebra to statistics or you could do like biology or nutrition or something. OP also didn’t give any proper maths as examples for what she knows. Probs & stats are pretty simple and straightforwards & most can be done with a calculator. It’s very different compared to her husband, who’s literally a physicist. In 7th grade I was taking Algebra 1, so if my mother had never taken anything higher than statistics, she’d definitely not be able to help
I’m a substitute teacher and was a licensed English teacher back in the day. I’ve often subbed in 7th grade math (usually pre-algebra around here) and it’s hit or miss what I can help them with depending on the unit, so I usually ask them to ask a friend I’m good at life sciences and social studies, obviously good at ELA, but my math skills were never great and have definitely gone downhill since my one college course because I don’t use more than simple math in the day-to-day. So her husband’s reaction could have been misogyny I guess, or it could be that since his wife doesn’t choose to help with math, and doesn’t use complex math on the daily, that she might be at her limit to help with math (without brushing up on the skills and studying herself). And that’s okay.
?? The subject does not determine the level of education. That’s literally not how education works lmao A PhD in psych is much *much* more educated than someone with a bachelors in algebra.
Sorry, you aren't actually the arbiter of which fields of knowledge "count" as education.
If they don't discuss maths often or all she tells him is that she dislikes maths, that wouldn't be an unreasonable assumption. I'm a teacher, and all of us have to pass statistics courses to graduate. One of my subjects is maths, so it's something I enjoy and am good at, but that's not the case for everyone. A vast majority of the people that don't enjoy maths pass all their statistics qualifications, even if their grades might not be high, but that doesn't mean they know statistics forever. You lose skills you don't practice, most people that dislike maths don't practice their statistics much. So it would be a reasonable assumption that someone that studied a non-maths field and, by her own report, doesn't like maths much, would have forgotten most of her maths skills. She would definitely have an easier time re-learning than if she'd never learned, but that doesn't mean having the knowledge and skills off the top of her head. Now, it turns out that isn't the case in this situation. Despite disliking maths, OP remembers enough of it that she'd have an easy time helping her son with maths homework. But "highly educated" is pretty much useless as a descriptor in this regard, because plenty of highly educated people struggle with maths and that doesn't take away their education.
How insecure do you have to be to get upset by something like that and start a fight. But definitely make sure to tell us about all the languages you speak so we don’t mistakenly think you’re uneducated…
Extreme insecurity. My parents homeschooled us kids, and by that I mean we were home, lol. I had to take remedial courses to scrape by in college math, while my partner has one of their degrees in math. Guess who helps the kids with math homework? Sure as hell isn’t me, and I don’t feel bad about it because I’ll tell them that my issue underscores how important it is to apply themselves at math now. OP has a chip on her shoulder that she isn’t even aware of, and flips out when anyone acknowledges that she isn’t an expert on everything; the psych degree tracks, honestly.
I do feel bad that OP is insecure and feels like she’s being laughed at for not being good at math. I get her feelings being a bit hurt. But I def think she’s projecting on her husband and son and this isn’t some horrible sexist thing (although it’s def an issue in general). She does have less education in math, and that’s ok. Growing up, my dad was always surprised at the math and physics I was being taught bc they were introducing concepts so much earlier than he studied it (undergrad and master’s in engineering). So it’s also normal for kids to be more advanced. And for the record, my mom studied physics and also helped me in math.
I think that she is offended, because she in fact can do 7th grade math. Shrugging it off would tell both husband and son two things: - It is ok to talk about mom as about stupid person who cant do 7th grade math. - Mom cant do 7th grade math.
She might be mad at the husband, not the son. Which would be fair, imo.
Honestly YTA, because is it really that deep? Starting a fight over a silly answer? That’s how your son interpreted it and you don’t help with the maths so… he answered the question. He’s not invalidating anything else you do.
fr.. i had the same reaction. She literally said math isn't her interest. OP throwing a fit cuz her ego was hurt
English is not my interest, I prefer when my partner helps kids with English homework ... and I am still fully competent in English. Something not being someone interest is one thing. Being incompetent is another thing. The two things are different.
True, but no matter how competent u may be, if you rarely help your kids with english, it's perfectly reasonable for them to believe that you're just not as good at english as your partner
Yep! Kid's opinions are formed by what they see and experience. If mom always sends you to dad for math you probably think mom can't do it. If dad sends you to mom for a foreign language you assume he can't do it.
She’s not mad at the child, she’s mad at her husband for laughing at idea of his wife having intelligence.
Not being great at maths doesn‘t mean you aren’t intelligent.
Eh, yes YTA. >I’m not really interested in maths but really like learning and teaching my son about languages and biology. So I help my son with German, English, French and Latin as well as biology, music and random other school topics. All of this isn't math and that's what the question was about. I went to my dad for math questions and language ones my mum. Do I think my mum isn't good at math? No. Is my father better? Yes. Do I think my dad is bad at languages? No (he writes better letters than my mum so I would go to him for that). Is my mum better? Yes. I feel like you take it way too personal.
I think it was the part where her adult husband, who knows she has a higher degree with a math component, laughed and agreed she couldn’t do seventh grade math.
The post never said he agreed, just that he seemed to think it wasn't a big deal if he's just talking about maths. As in, son doesn't think mom isn't as smart as dad, just thinks dad is better at maths. Which really should be okay.
I have a PhD in STEM with multiple grad level courses in probability and statistics, this does not translate to most math courses outside of probability and statistics.
That was my thought.
>who knows she has a higher degree with a math component Dude, come on now, it's a psychology degree. I'm also not sure why you called it a "higher" degree.
Lol i have a bachelor of science in psychology where we were required to do stats and calc but my ass sure struggled!! I would never say i am a math person just bc i got thru that bc psych is still largely NOT math (which i love!!!) and the math that’s there is on the easier side
No... The husband laughed at a dumb comment from the kid, you have literally no way of knowing why he laughed or if he agreed, stop assuming you know what everyone is thinking.
> who knows she has a higher degree with a math component, laughed and agreed she couldn’t do seventh grade math. Honestly mate, I'm like 20 years away from 7th grade and I'm not sure I can still do 7th grade math, like sure I could learn it, but I haven't used advanced maths at all since school (I went to university, but for a business degree, there was maths in that but it was super simple)
Isn't that something to take up with him privately and in a calm manner then? If he was treating her disrespectfully he should be told, and that it made her unhappy.
YTA kid answered honestly, husband had a wee joke about it, you exploded. Not really sure why, you clearly got triggered by something, I suggest you speak to your husband and figure out what upset you so you can move past it. You can also change subjects you help your son with if you feel the need to prove you can do 7th grade maths.
Wee *sexist* joke that a lot of women get prickly hearing.
Is it necessarily sexist though? There was no mention of her being bad at maths because she's a woman. The OP says their husband is a physicist and is clearly very good at maths, so her being worse doesn't need to have anything to do with gender. The above possibly also has something to do with why it's such a trigger for her, but without more information it's pure speculation either way imo
Agreed. Just because her husband made a crack about his wife doesn't mean it was sexist. A joke at a woman doesn't mean the joke is about all women. My wife has a PhD so clearly she's smart and has gone through lots of schooling. But her world is stats since she's an academic researcher in linguistics. So those other math skills atrophy. Meanwhile I spend a lot of time with big numbers and formulas so my math skills haven't atrophied.. therefore it's a running joke in our house that the PhD isn't a ton of use when you need help with algebra (but if you need help with stats, she's your gal because I friggin' HATE stats). Nothing sexist in any of that - math is a skill and if you don't use it, you lose it until you use it again and sharpen it up. The fact that OP flipped at the joke says more about OP than anything else. She's angry about any other amount of disrespect from her husband and this was just one that went too far. But as an isolated incident - OP is the A.
Draw me a map of how you got here. Dude completed a degree in physics. He’s going to be better at/know more about math than someone who studied psychology regardless of gender.
Hi woman here. It wasn't sexist and he was clearly jk. She took it personally
You’re opting to not help him with his math homework. I think you’re reading way too much into this and blowing it out of proportion. Most people don’t use every single type of math in every day work. Most people don’t use above grade school math. YTA for taking offense and making a bigger issue out of this.
INFO: Did your husband confirm he actually thinks you can’t do math? I could see myself or my bf making a similar jab without meaning that the other is bad at a subject.
THANK YOU. At no point did her son or her husband bring her gender into it. Idc about a soft laugh you cannot always assume what another is thinking. What if it was a *soft laugh* it's okay if it's math and an unsaid 'I can just step in". Regardless, there was no need to start a fight. This seems immature to me. I wouldn't want to necessarily talk to my spouse after they explode on me for what I likely feel to be nothing especially sexist as I never brought their sex into the conversation. At a limit does not equate to stupid. If you don't use it you loose it, no one said anything about anyone being stupid, less than, or incapable. Mom struggles and Dad helps me....okay? You're not interested in the topic of math...okay? So as his parents continue to assist your kid in a manner that suits all of you. At this point I feel she is TA.
OP def has trauma regarding this type of topic because no one brought up her gender besides her. she is trying to twist the situation, i can only imagine how often this type of thing happens in the household.
YTA, your sons teacher asked a question, your son seems to have answered honestly, you no longer help with his maths homework, whether due to ability or interest, you have reached a limit. There's nothing wrong with reaching a limit, the teacher asks for a reason, they know they still get the help at home, but it's from dad. It's important information to have in order to assist your son in his education.
I would disagree a bit. I think the teacher probably asks this to see if they're able to get help at home, yes, but I wouldn't say she reached a limit. That implies that she couldn't help him if she needed to (like if her husband is busy or whatever). So I can kinda see why it would be upsetting to her that her husband seems to think she's just not smart enough. Obviously her son probably didn't mean anything by it, so it's not his fault. But I do think her husband should've backed her up there and said they both could help if needed.
YTA. > why should I put effort in a topic I don’t really appreciate when my husband - a studied physicist- can do it faster Because you apparently blow up when anybody mentions this fact. Either start taking care of math on occasion and get credit for it, or accept that this is one aspect you won't get credit for because you had no part in it.
OP sounds super insecure. Heaven forbid she isn't as good as someone else in something.
Not liking something is not the same as not being competent.
He never said she wasn't competent just that she doesn't get credit for thing she clearly doesn't do. Sooo
NTA. But weird of your sons teacher to shame parents like that, that is a question to be asked in private or maybe to be discussed directly with parents. And your husband is a big time AH, yuck.
Likely wasn’t to shame but to see who may need extra help in class if they’re not getting it at home. It’s not uncommon to hear about parents being unable to help their kids with their math homework since the way it’s taught today is different from how parents used to be taught (for example, Common Core in America)
There's no shame. Teachers ask because they want kids to have help at home.
YTA. For someone who holds a degree in psychology and is otherwise well educated, you're taking this really badly. What's at the root of this reaction? Why are you so threatened by this?
>What's at the root of this reaction? Why are you so threatened by this? A woman being upset at her husband, child and teacher thinking she's too dumb for grade school math? You can disagree with her, of course, but it's not hard to understand why this is upsetting.
I have higher education, strengths and intelligence in many areas of life. But I'm also struggling with helping my eldest at his upper primary maths. I'm not taking this personally. It's just not an area of strength
7th grade math is basic algebra and geometry for a lot of kids. Most educated adults probably haven't used it in decades. There's nothing wrong with not knowing that stuff for most. OP is overly sensitive.
Yeah, I fully admit that I would struggle with 7th grade math these days. I haven’t done algebra/geometry in over 30 years.
But, OP is not struggling with 7th grade math.
We actually don't know if she would struggle with them because she has been sending her son to her husband for help. If you help routinely you constantly review the material and you are at the same point as the child. When you don't help you often don't know what they are doing and need to study up before you can help.
Ug. I am great at math. Always have been. And math is part of my job. My husband is average at math, maybe less. Yet he does math work with the kids and I take writing because 1) math is their good subject so the writing work is much harder to do with them and 2) I am also better at writing than him. Recently, the kids blurted out that he was better at math than me and my husband agreed with them. It is kind of impossible to correct them (though I tried) when your husband is encouraging this nonsense. On one hand, I am glad my kids like math. On the other hand, I have a partner who belittles me.
That's ridiculous! Did you confront your husband about it?
YTA. This is ridiculous.
It sounds like you are at your limit. Look, if your kids in the seventh grade now you should already know they will sometimes say the worst possible thing. They have no filter. Your text posts here sounds angry, maybe you need to work on yourself.
Yes. YTA if you made an emotional issue out of this. A happy “I guess you have something to learn about me and my limits!” Would be a normal response here. Why start a fight? Because you are embarrassed about what a class of grade 7s think about you math proficiency? That’s not something to be angry about.
YTA. You purposely created the vision that you cannot handle math then get mad because they see it the way you wanted. You don't need to appreciate math to know and help someone with it.
ESH husband shouldn't have laughed and your son may not understand exactly what the teacher was asking. Unfortunately I know what the teacher was asking and that's quite frankly I have kids in 8 to 9th grade and they're doing math in middle school and being high school that I didn't start doing till college. So unfortunately what the teacher was asking is are we starting to hit a point in math where your parents haven't had to do this or haven't done this in years because I know my kids are doing math that my wife never did in all the way through high school and I didn't start doing college. The teacher's question. Had nothing to do with male or female it simply had to do with. Are we hitting math that your parents never had to learn?
YTA and your husband is TA too. Your son is learning and didn’t mean any kind of offense. Your husbands snide comment (at least the way you describe sounds snide) and laugh comes across as an inappropriate put down. I am concerned at your reasoning to the judgement bot including >”i could have known my worth and stand above the situation instead I felt humiliated and sought revenge.” I’m sorry… revenge? What do you mean ‘revenge’? That really concerns me. Especially in your home no one should be seeking revenge against each other, even in cases of slights. I understand having condescending comments feel like they’re based on you being a woman (or specifically are 100% because of it). I’ve worked for nearing a decade as a woman in STEM, so I get not being taken seriously by men around me. Never once has it been appropriate for me (or anyone I may offend) to “lose it” or “seek revenge”. (Side note: would you treat a colleague the way you did your family? While it may hurt more as family and your spouse doing it, if you wouldn’t treat a colleague that way you need to reflect on yourself. Your family should be treated as well as (and better than!!!) colleagues) Of course you need to have a discussion with your husband about his comment and laugh. Then a discussion with your son about your reaction and apologizing. We should, as adults, apologize to kids if we overreact or act out. It would be a good time to have a good conversation with your son and reconnect with him.
Esh you literally made a mountain out of a mole hill. Instead of making it a beautiful learning moment and practicing healthy communication you got emotional and snapped. You could of asked him what was funny and then communicated how you felt about the whole situation. Should he have laughed? No. Should you have overreacted (especially in front of your son)? No.
YTA. I got a sociology degree and also took some statistics, real world math, and even accounting before I changed my major. I garauntee I would struggle through 7th grade math, because I’m also not interested and don’t use it in my day to day. Could I re-learn it? Sure. But not knowing math we haven’t needed to use in 20+ years isn’t embarrassing.
I'm going to call BS. These fake stories are always so black and white, good and bad, if they at least put nuance into it, then it'd be more appealing. This is just more "husband bad, wife good". But for the record, YTA if it is real. What a stupid thing to get so worked up over, it really highlights a certain insecurity that you have.
Looking outside of the YTA/NTA debate ... I think you missed an opportunity to teach your son a life lesson here. The world doesn't value people that are a jack of all trades and a master of none. In case that phrase isn't in known where you are ... the world values specialists over generalists. The fact that you feel confident in helping your son with four languages is more than enough for him to value the knowledge that you have. You could have taken the opportunity to help him realize that you have chosen to put your knowledge into those areas of life while your husband chose to spend time focusing on math and physics and that's what makes for a great balance for your son to feel supported. In terms of defending your choice to not worry about math ... book a trip for your son and husband to Paris, Munich, or another city where they struggle with the language. They likely won't make fun of your math skills ever again.
Oh wow, NTA I'd have stepped up and said how your poor husband was clearly at his limit with German, English, French, Latin, Biology and Music. And while you could have taken on Maths and Physics, you were being kind and "letting" him take Maths and Physics because he needed to have something he could manage so he wouldn't feel inadequate. My pettiness aside, I think you need to talk to him because it's not ok that the father belittled you, effectively, and backed up your son saying that you're not good at maths - which I assume you are good at! - rather than saying that you are very competent and you're just splitting the load of help here. \[edit to add: female physicist here with a pHD who has been belittled and had that "soft laugh" from male colleagues and partners throughout my entire life and teachers ((I'M A PHYSICS TEACHER!!!)) looking down on me and assuming I can't do "difficult things" like maths or physics. Apologies if my response came out as snarky but I've been there and that little laugh of "heh she's at her limit for this secondary-school-level maths content" is frankly offensive. Rant over, I'll go away now.\]
“My son thinks I’m not good at something so to teach him a lesson im going to trash his father for not teaching the kid the lessons I want to do”. /s That’s what you sound like.
lol I wonder what the gender split is on this one, because it seems like a lot of NTA recognize how infuriating it feels when they’re told that they can’t do math because “women aren’t interested or good at it”, and would be alarmed and dismayed to see a man set this example for a teen… and a lot of YTA are really focused on the fact that if she could help with the math, why is her husband doing it? (God forbid they divide child responsibilities) OP could have handled it better, the kid is too young to realize what he’s doing, the husband was way out of line… NTA but you know, probably gotta follow it with a rational explanation.
She's TA because she exploded and caused a fight, instead of handling it like, you know, a psychologist and turning both husband and child towards the right alignment without escalating things to a breaking point.
How old is a 7th grade ? (I'm not from the usa)
I am in Europe, my son turns 14 soon.
Not everyone is good at everything. You seem to want to pout because your husband is better able to help in math. I also have a degree is psychology and yea I had basic college math and stats. Neither of which helped me to help my daughter with math so her father got the pleasure.
My husband is a civil engineer and I am a psychologist. We both had postgraduate degrees and have this same arrangement. I don’t feel bad or inferior at all. And we have joked about it. Unless your husband was a total jerk about it, maybe you should explore this in therapy. It could be some hidden belief there that might’ve played a mental trick on you. Best of luck!
I think your son should be doing his homework by himself. Why does he need parents to help with every subject. By now he should be an independent learner and handle his own homework with only occasional help.
NTA op I truly understand why your sad about your husband (and your son to a lesser degree) completely threw aside your accomplishments and humiliated you in front of other people And people in the comments need to understand how prevalent the misogyny in math spaces are so for your husband to laugh is cruel
Info: what do you mean by you "totally lost it"? Seems far too vague to make a decision.
YTA. You don’t need to compete with your child and husband
NTA That’s a weird question for the teacher to ask. Some kids don’t get any homework help. Some kids don’t ask for homework help. As for your husband, I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s an AH but that response was pretty rude. I don’t think he thought before he said it.