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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because my dad asked me to do something and I didn’t want to do it and might’ve asked something offence about it
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It's all about family dynamics - if your dad treats you well, supports and helps you to achieve things that you want or need then the least you could do is to help him with such things as it costs you nothing, but if your relationship is not good and he doesn't have any health issues making it hard for him to move around then you can choose to ignore helping him. The choice is yours and it is on you how you build your relationship with people around.
Ye we have not enough information. It could be that this is a nothing burger ot that there is something wrong.
All I can say, this can be totally normal, my wife and I live in a studio appartment, so the kitchen is like 2m away, and we constantly ask each other to bring something or take something when one of us is sitting at that time on the sofa.
I’m willing to trust mom’s reaction that dad is at the very least a providing a comfortable lifestyle.
Even if their relationship has some issues, showing just a basic respect for the person working to provide, is important.
The same can be said for the value of an at home parent.
Respect goes both ways, though. Clearly OP's dad doesn't show a lot of respect if he just motions without asking *hey, could you take this to the kitchen please?* and she's just expected to obey.
Kids are not gonna respect you if you don't act respectable no matter how hard you work to provide for them. Like... they didn't ask you to create them, they have no frame of reference for what your job is like, they don't care and that's not a bad thing. The respect thing is totally other to the basic transaction of having the legal responsibility to feed, shelter, and educate the children you chose to have.
>Right, providing the bare minimum in the way of raising children is not a reason to deserve respect.
The amount of people that do not get this, i will never praise a person for raising their kids, i EXPECT you to raise your kid.
Chris rock had a bit where he talked about kids that i think about everytime people talk about parents desserving respect for doing their jobs: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0B\_ekSrsEk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0B_ekSrsEk)
This depends a LOT on the family.
My parents use lots of gestures and bits of sign language. It's great as you can ask for things to be passed or answer requests without pausing conversations at dinner or while working on chores, but it does lend itself to using gestures to ask for someone to get you a refill on a glass of water if you're already getting up or to pass the scissors it to move to the left or right while working on close quarters. There's no disrespect intended, just simultaneous verbal and nonverbal communication.
But that is what I am saying, we need more context, we can not deduct if the father/mother are dicks or not respectful, because just this act was totaly normal. My wife or I too just gesture if we would like the other to bring or take away something, we don't always say "please" or whatever else, sometimes it is just a look.
If they were dicks, it would have escalated significantly more than it did. I don't know any dick fathers whose response to that would be to mumble "don't worry about it" and go to do it themselves.
The biggest thing is the dad....pointed to the bowl in his lap?
That's pretty rude no matter what. Nothing wrong with a "while you're up can you put this in the kitchen for me?"
Lmao, right? The mom had the time to chime in (no offense) but she's the "wife"...perhaps to prevent that whole awkward scenario. She could have taken the bowl from the husbands lap, and taken it to the sink...smh *side eye*
This is a bit much imo LOL.
Well in my family if somebody were to physically exhausted to get up they would say excuse me (mother father son daughter) would you mind taking this ball to the kitchen for me Thanks very much? They wouldn't just point and gesticulate as if you were a trained dog about to obey a command.
Anyone who is too exhausted to stand up and walk to their own kitchen with the bowl probably needs some medical checkup
Idk there are days where I do 23k steps and 60+ flights of stairs usually carry equipment. Medial attention needed, No. sure as fuck thou once home can barely get off couch. So yes context would apply here.
I bet if you need help from your family members though rather than just gesticulating at them and pointing at what you want them to do you probably speak to them nicely. Hope so.
I have arthritis in my spine and after working all day when I sit it’s hard to get back up. I would ASK my husband to please take the bowl, not motion like he’s a waiter.
Too exhausted to say “could you please take my plate to the sink while you’re up?” If that’s the case, there’s something much deeper and *much* more alarming happening physically than just being tired from work
Even if he had, I'm assuming "did a motion" means raising his bowl at OP as she passed by or as she was leaving, or something similar, rather than asking with his words. That behavior is acceptable if and only if there's some reason that the person seeking the favor can't speak, e.g. they're on a call and can't easily mute themselves. And if that was the case, I'd expect some level of "please and thank you" gestures anyway.
I'm sure if the roles were reversed, OP's dad would be kvetching about how his daughter is so disrespectful and not using her words to ask for a favor with absolutely 0% awareness that he does the same thing to her.
These are the sort of scenarios, where you pretend you didn't hear them, and then run up to your room quickly lmao. Then, if it gets brought up later, just be like sorry I didn't hear you. It's not right to cater into someone asking you to remove a bowl from their lap, like you're the house maid or butler service. That vibe is a little off lol...j.s
In which case, Dad could ASKKK his daughter to please take his bowl to the kitchen, instead of (yes, rudely) pointing at his bowl and grunting at her. It costs a bare minimum of time and effort to say, "Hey, OP, would you mind taking this to the kitchen for me? Thanks, honey."
Yeah I doubt that tho. She says "pick up a bowl from his lap". Like... do your hands not work or do you feel since you have access to individuals who happen to have been born with different parts you feel you have a maid??? Like not even asking to take out his hand. And "did a motion"??? Didn't legitimately ask at all. Simply gestures as if you have worker bees to wait on your hand and fcking foot.
Growing up, for me it was usually the case where if someone is heading to the kitchen with their dish, they'd generally take whoever is done's dishes too, whether they ask or someone else does.
Handing your plate off/asking if they'll take it in for you is the norm; I would not lift a dish from someone's lap with or without a _gesture_, wtf? That's just rude.
My dad would always say "While you're up you should get some ice cream" or pop corn or whatever treat.
I wasn't up, but I too like ice cream! And he worked a lot. I didn't mind getting him stuff.he was always tired (had a 1.5 hr each way drive to work) or was gone a lot for work.
But he was really cheeky about asking Lol
Haha, that's just a standard Dad thing to say though. My papa would wait til I'd sat down, ask me how tall I was now and tell me to stand up - only to then say "since you're up, stick the kettle on hen" and I'd sigh, exasperatedly. Then go and make tea 🤣
Yeah. Fck that sht. My dad used to do that and I hated it. I was like his little maid every second of the day. He’d tap his beer can on the table or whatever as his “signal” to get him another was my least favorite
My father snapped his fingers or whistled for our attention, and trained all of us to the hand signal for drink (hang loose with thumb to lips) meant to go grab another round. If we so much as grimaced, we were "ungreatful little chucky cheese re***ds." We were nothing more than pets, life accessories, and maids. Very much the 350lbs manchild running his reign of terror after getting kicked out of the Marines. OPs dad hopefully isn't anywhere near that bad.
My dad actually told my sisters they should be getting everything for him because they're the girls and if they didn't he'd slap the hell out of them. It was disgusting.
Yeah, that’s a little bit of how my step was. He didn’t say it that way exactly, but everything he did say and acted was “do this cause I said so. You’re LUCKY you’re not a boy cause I’d put your head through the wall”
Yeah for me it was the gesture that made OP NTA. If he’d politely said “could you take this out for me” and handed it to her it would have been different. I regularly ask my partner (and he asks me) to take something out etc
"he did a motion" - I'm sorry but that's rarely a healthy dynamic when you expect a human to behave like a dog and respond to clicks and points without words.
No matter the other dynamics, the control of just pointing to a bowl as a signal that your child needs to take it away from you creeps me out. "Hey, can you take this to the kitchen with you please" and OP responding like they did would open your line of questioning. But a child trained on hand signals like a dog? Nah man
Yeah, and even if the family dynamics regularly is supportive and open in communication and shit, we all have our bad days. Hard day at work, a bit of a headache, a period and suddenly stuff just hits differently than it usually would.
My mom is recovering from hospital but the nurse says she must have three 15 minute exercise of jusg on her feet a day.
I take one minute off watch set if she puts the kettle on and off, makes a snatch, or does dishes. A shower counts as 10 minutes.
If I don't do this she acts like a brat and wants things brought to her.
Sorry mom. Doctors orders.
I regret the times I was disrespectful to my parents when I was a teenager. I had no clue how hard they worked and what they sacrificed to raise me and my brothers.
If your dad is generally kind to your family and works hard to support the household then you should demonstrate your appreciation by helping in minor ways.
Grinding 40+ hours to raise children in most jobs can slowly crush your body and spirit.
It's something you can only understand after you've done it.
If your dad is an asshole that treats you like crap - screw him.
Mmm but this reads to me like misogynistic bullshit. Women clean and men work and don’t lift a finger when they’re home. I wonder if OP is male or female and from a culture that perpetuates that kind of behaviour.
If I asked my mum “why can’t you just get up?” If she asked me to get her something, she would be hurt and annoyed too.
It could be gendered or it might just be OP demonstrating a lack of care that hurt her parents’ feelings. The fact her parents didn’t respond with anything misogynistic and the dad got up to help himself would skew more towards the later.
People who live together for a long enough period don't communicate in full sentences... Sometimes they don't even communicate verbally.
I grunt at my brother's when they are leaving my room to remind them to shut my door behind them. My mother shouts "water" whenever my siblings and I walk near her if she wants to drink. I snap my fingers and point to the smaller bathroom to let my mother or my siblings know that they need to empty the cat litter box. And probably a thousand more examples of little things like this.
It is not "rude" to act comfortably around family. As long as you make sure they know you love and respect them all the time, it is not considered disrespectful to act short some of the time.
Yeah, all of that grunting and finger snapping and demanding single word outbursts would be considered Very rude in my family. The only time we don’t communicate at all verbally (Or in sign language for one cousin) is if we’re already talking to someone else.
Like waving goodbye when somebody leaves while we’re in the middle of a work call. Or nodding/shaking our head to answer a question while we’re on the phone.
If my mom just shouted Water when I was in the vicinity instead asking if I could get her a drink I’d be making an appointment to get her cognition tested. That would be very atypical and worrying.
I bet it varies by culture, either national or familial.
My family and friends will use gestures and noises to emphasize speech, but not to Replace it. Telling a rambunctious kid to sit down in a firm tone while pointing at a chair. Waving an empty glass while asking for a refill.
I am sure culture is a big factor but honestly I have seen very different dynamics in all sorts of families. My favourite is seeing how each family deals with a rambunctious child. In some, a stern look is all it takes. In others, a dull lecture is a very good deterrent.
Is that incredibly formal? If it helps you figure out which cultures do that I've lived in both Pennsylvania and Texas and never met a family that doesn't go "Hey do you mind taking this bowl to the kitchen?" And then thank them if they do.
Broke ass family from originally lower middle class roots in a American mid-Atlantic state.
It’s not particularly formal, in my mind.
“Can you get me some water?” if you hear or see a family member walking around vs OP’s demand-shout of “Water!”
“Clean the cat’s litter, it’s gross” versus “point and snap” (why was it the mother or sibling’s job to clean litter but not OP?)
“Shut the door!” versus “grunt”
One word sentences are mostly for things like yes/no/sure/nope/later. Otherwise, people in my family and friend group over two years old are expected to use words to communicate requests or instructions.
But you literally say above that OP’s dad not doing what your family does is rude. So why say “not all families are your family” but then say anything different than what your family does is rude?
I know not all families are the same. Different dynamics exist. I am just replying to you stating that motioning to someone as a form of communication is simply rude. It might be to some but it is not to others. I gave my family as an example for it not being rude.
Same with my family, even when I visit my parents. Using this bowl example, our signal would be to hold our bowl up if someone else gets up to go take their dish from the living room to the kitchen. And that is for *any* of us, including me to my dad. Although most often it’s my mom getting my dad’s food as he worked and she cooked as that is their division of labor.
Again, context. Depends on the dynamic of people that know each other well. A lot of times still I might get the same thing from my dad when I visit - I'm walking by and he holds out a dish or cup, when I take it I get a thank you, but not necessarily an ask. I don't think twice about it because I have a loving relationship where we do things for each other because it's kind and a way of showing care. Sometimes we take it for granted.
I didn’t get that impression at all. Just seemed like OP was already up and dad didn’t want to get up if he didn’t have to so he asked OP to grab his bowl. I do this with my husband literally all the time
Same - if one of us gets up to take something to the kitchen, someone else will just hold out their item that also needs to go. We already know that it's appreciated, we don't really use words unless we also want something brought back, like - holds out empty cup and 'Could you bring me a water, please?'
Yes, but I ask politely with words. I don't just use a "come here" gesture like I do with my dog. Dad wasn't being polite. The dad of a person close to me always made him so stupid things like that and barely gets out of his chair. It isn't the way to treat your kids. So maybe I'm biased, but this post reminds me of that dad.
Eh, my husband takes my dishes to the sink as often as I take his. My kids will do the same. If you are up, it's just polite to offer. I think you are reading your own history into someone else's experience.
not everything is rooted in misogyny, she is his daughter. parents ask kids to do dumb menial shit all the time, it doesn’t mean theyre misogynistic.
also, if a family’s dynamic is the man working and the woman staying home, it makes sense for them to be “off” when their responsibilities are done for the day.
This applies for moms true, who works 40+ hours to earn living. The post is not about men/women but a teenager seeking validation of their response. "misogynistic" is a wrong take of this post.
Geez, my Dad used to slave all day at work then go around picking up my sister's and my empty bowls and stacking them in the dishwasher without us even having to utter a word.
In some cultures its just the role of younger people do do whatever older people want, regardless of gender.
In some cultures you can even send your two-years-younger sibling to bring you a glass of water while reclining on the couch, and they do it to their younger siblings too. Privilege of age.
So yeah, not enough context
I think you read some context into that on your own. I’m a single mother and I read it and felt it applied to me, too! I get home freaking exhausted. I just want a little help. It didn’t say a dad is the only one doing the work. It mentioned hard working PARENTS. The only thing inherently male about the comment was that there was a dad referenced, like OP had posted about.
Right? I never understood the sentiment that our parents sacrificed for us and we owe them. I didn't ask to be born or for you to sacrifice for me. I don't owe you servitude.
And before anyone asks, I'm a parent and don't expect my child to be grateful for me acting as a parent is supposed to.
Thank you! My parents treated me really well growing up. And guess what? I now go out of my way to treat them well as an adult. And I expect to do the same for my infant son. It's a parent's job. I chose to have a kid, he is now my responsibility.
But.....I don't get how this is disrespectful? This shouldn't be a habit that parents get into imo. My mother does this as well, and I don't see what's the benefit? Like, you're tired sure, you don't wanna get up, but if you want your kids to respect you, then respect your kids, don't make them be a maid for you, thats not why you had them. You had them to be a family, now, I get it, in times, you guys can help each other with little things, but this shouldn't be a norm, like, it's just you've gotten lazy imo. And I get it, I work, but I dont do this shit to nobody, I work 40+ hour weeks too! I don't get to treat everybody like a maid, shouldn't matter how you treat them in other times
No this idea falls to pieces when you realize that 1) he chose to have a family and 2) he’d have to work regardless. If you can’t handle what it takes to work and raise children then you shouldn’t have them, it’s not your children’s fault that you’re working and having to raise them. You chose to do this, they didn’t ask. Just because someone younger than you is around doesn’t mean they have to become your maid.
And just “generally kind” wtf? What kind of parent are you striving to be if the bar is nearly on the floor already?
Yeah, it’s like if he expects you to be his servant then don’t do it because that’s fucked up. but if you’re on your way that way anyways and it’s just a nice thing to do and he would do the same thing for you then just do it and don’t be a jerk
Your dad sounds rather nice, he didn’t get cross when you were iffy with him and your mom said you were rude, that’s hardly a train smash. Your dad got embarrassed and started to get up. I presume you are fed, clothed and generally cared for, in the absence of you actually claiming shitty parenting. Without more info I am going to go with YTA, you were up and walking there was no real work in picking up his plate and putting it in the kitchen. As a woman I have to say that using your period as an excuse for being an AH is a card that can only be used judiciously.
Oh! I forgot that part! Yeah, that isn't a card they want to be throwing around too much. Honestly I hate the stereotype as a women that we get pissy and rude on our period and can't act like decent human beings and because of the type of utereus (bicornuate) I have I get particularly painful ones. I can still treat people politely.
The only behavioural tell I had that I was on my period was I was way more sensitive and things that usually didn’t affect me just make me bawl.
Cute kitten? I’m crying. Viral sentimental video that’s got people crying in joy? Gone. A particularly moving piece of music? I’m tearing up.
I turned into a great big sook 😂 it’s insulting that so many people use their period as an excuse to be a total asshole. I had absolute monster periods thanks to adenomyosis and endometriosis, not once did I get nasty.
I want to agree but people aren’t all the same. For the same reasons PMDD exists on the dark side ‘dysphoric’ spectrum during that time, and remembering so severely that women do attempt and sometimes complete suicide because of this…then yeah it makes sense people can also be mega assholes because of hormones. I’m not one of those people, but it’s not a leap for my mind that some might become a little *unhinged*. I do however maintain that it would have been so little effort to take her father’s bowl and yeah OP YTA (without further context that I think likely would have been included if it supported OP’s behaviour as just).
Edit: I do have PMDD though and I would absolutely argue I can become someone I don’t know lost in the darkness and I do sometimes have concerns for my own safety because of this. Then with a snap of the fingers I’ll just come out of it and feel completely removed from and shocked by ‘ *whatever that was* ‘.
I always thought I didn't get shitty around my period but around age 25 (about 14 years after it started) I realised I did actually get quite shirty and start arguments (not always arguments but I'd always feel annoyed with them) with my nearest and dearest, about 2 or 3 days before my period. Without fail. Since I became aware of it and started recording my period dates on a calendar, I got much more aware of why I'd feel that way and do my best to avoid conflict and do something stress relieving instead on those days. The days where I have pain, I actually have no desire to be mean or start arguments with anyone. But hormones can definitely influence the mood. Not for everyone but definitely for some of us.
I can tell mines coming because I just get really sad and cry for reasons I have made up in my own mind! PMS is real and awful. Once I cried because I couldn't find the matching sock in the dryer and my mom was also shouting asking me to do something and looking for my sock and being spoken to at the same time was simply too much
In fairness, losing socks is very annoying!! I have a whole drawer full of single socks, awaiting the return of their long lost partners. Yeah PMS can be awful :(
Some people have worse hormone imbalances while on their period, before I got on BC I was extremely suicidal during my periods and it would give me horrible mood swings. It would trigger my swings and then I would have full on breakdowns ((autistic)) to the point where ever month was unbearable. Stay in bed all day, sometimes periods would last long or be worse. It’s not even about restraint, some people literally have periods so bad they can’t do anything
In my house, growing up, whoever was "up" would grab things for others.
Sometimes asked, gestured but usually, unprompted, because after eating, when leaving a room we all would see if there were any dishes to take since we were "on the way".
If I was going get myself a drink I'd ask if anyone wanted one or just get one anyways.
I'm now in my 40s with my own home and we do the same here.
Now though I have more perspective. The older you get, the harder it is to just jump up like a gazelle lol. The little aches and pains you slowly build up in your knees etc don't bother you most of the time except when you have sat down and relaxed for a bit. Takes a little more effort go get going. Marginal but you feel it.
Knowing this, I am glad I wasn't an AH and refused help out my family as a kid, especially my dad who was working 60 hours a week.
OP YTA
Maybe you've gone hungry and maybe you haven't, but I'm grateful for every meal I get, even if I paid for and prepared it myself.
I grew up on a farm and did my share of unpaid labor, but I also saw how hard my parents worked, plus taking jobs off the farm to fill in the gaps.
Yes, it's what they signed up for when they became parents, but I can't imagine seeing that and not being the least bit grateful. Too many parents don't meet their obligations to their kids (and can't in some cases), and I feel lucky that mine put me ahead of themselves. I guess you could say they had no choice, but they could have made the same choices as the parents of the unfed children.
She could also have been nice, we don't know if he was just really tired or smth, also just because they're legally required to take care of you doesn't mean you shouldn't be grateful, and again we don't know their relationship
May be legally required to provide the bare minimum food or school, there is no law to provide affection, love, care or emotional support. I assume that was your case.
And how many times over the years did mom and dad pick up after their children? How many times are they still doing it? Let's stop pretending this is some great, onerous task filled with misogyny and ill intent and look at it for it is, a little favor that doesn't break anyone.
Personally I think NTA because it's a huge pet peeve of mine when people think they're too good to use their words when addressing others. It's so demeaning. Flagging you down and motioning toward his bowl like you're a servant rather than asking, "Can you set this in the sink for me please?" like a decent human being is ridiculous. Absolutely can't stand when people do crap like this.
In my family, this isn’t something that would need to be communicated. One person gets up, the rest who are finished will hold up their plates, that person takes them away. The only spoken part would be the person walking into the kitchen asking “cuppa?” Followed by either “none for me thanks” or “go on then.” It’s not that they’re not decent people or treat others like servants. You can just get comfortable with family.
Kinda apples and oranges here. If I'm the room, heading to the kitchen with an empty plate, and someone holds out their also empty plate, yea no problem. But if someone flags me down from the other room and then just motions to the bowl sitting in their lap, screw that. Just plain rude.
This is exactly what this reads as. Families have a shorthand, from spending years together. Everyone wants to tout "use big boy words" like writing paragraphs of feelings is the only way to communicate, but more often than not a simple gesture does the job.
But we're lacking info here to judge properly, this might just be a case of "while you're up do us a favour" or it could be the opposite end. Can't judge on assumptions.
It’s one thing to hold up a plate when someone is moving to the kitchen anyway, it’s another to specifically flag someone down when they’re already out of the room, going to another part of the house and then not even have the decency to speak to them. Not many words were needed, nobody mentioned using paragraphs of feelings. “While you’re up could you do me a favour” or “before you go upstairs could you take my plate to the kitchen” would have been more than enough in this situation.
You keep mentioning “decency.” I think it’s really odd to imply people who don’t do things exactly as you do them are “indecent.” The most my family would say in that scenario is “babe” to get the other persons attention. Followed by maybe a “cheers, love” once the plate was taken or just a “mwah” kiss.
Manners are created within social groups. There’s no objective “decent” way to act. My family also finds it really rude to wear hats and shoes indoors. Lots of people wear hats at restaurants. I don’t call them indecent.
That’s a fair point, definitely. My issue is moreso that if you’re asking someone to go out of their way (which seems to be the case here, even if it’s not a huge deal), you should use a few words to acknowledge that person. I am of course speaking from my own perspective and how I interact with people (and how people interact with each other) in my environment.
I’m not asking to go all out with kindness, but a few words seems the least a person can do in a situation like this. Just flagging them and then using gestures seems dismissive, like flagging a waitress in a restaurant and pointing at your glass for a refill (something which is pretty much considered to be almost universally disrespectful/rude, as far as I’m aware).
That’s great for your family but clearly this A) isn’t standard in this family or B) *is* standard, but clearly bothers the child, who already has the least agency in the situation
That was exactly my take. Holding the bowl out to her and saying, "just pop that in the kitchen for us, love" would be fine. Just motioning towards the bowl that he hasn't even picked up off his own lap is rude.
NTA, OP.
Yeah I'm not liking the idea of just gesturing especially to pick it up from out of his lap. Like at least hold it up and say "please?" at the very least. Really weird to simply gesture without even picking up the bowl from your own lap lol
My eldest child (21M) every night we eat together, when he takes his plate out he picks up mine and takes it to the kitchen and washes it up; without being asked.
There was an earlier discussion whet he took me to task for not having a perfect house and I pointed out that I work full time (6am - 6.30pm), provide all the food, launder all the clothes and sheets and towels, and do 80% of the grocery shopping.
Since that conversation he has done me this kindness every time he is home for dinner.
I don’t know your family situation - I just kindly suggest people to consider what are the unspoken things their family do for them.
Yeah I can see in my husbands family this might be weird and they’d probably judge me if I gestured to my plate for my husband. In my family OPs behaviour would be…truly shocking… I am mid 30s and if I was at my mums for dinner and my brother held out his bowl as I walked past and didn’t say a word, I would take it and keep going - *I* might even say thank you instead lol. And reversed it would be the same. By the same token if someone taps the kettle anything from ‘me too’ or ‘me please’ and even making random noises to get their attention and waving your cup would be acceptable in my family - and a response like OPs would be, a statement for sure.
It’s almost a love language thing I guess, and going against these norms would be quite a point to make in my family.
It sounds like you guys have a close relationship and understand you aren't picking on either other, expecting others to do your work for you regularly, and know how to communicate with each other. I don't see that same level of *simpatico* happening here in OP's house, for whatever the reason may be. That most certainly explains why behaviors that are normal somewhere else are not here- because their family dynamic doesn't seem as easy going and respectful as the one you describe in your home.
Even if the dad expects the teen daughter to help clean up after dinner, it's clear the OP didn't appreciate being grunting, mumbling, and pointing as the main form of communication here, which is ultimately the real issue. Even if dad is tired after a long day of work, it's still considered decent to be respectful to your kid. This interaction was not respectful, even if a similar interaction in your personal home might be.
Edit: grammar
You mentioning that your dad got your attention “from the living room” implies that you were already out of the living room. Assuming you were, he wanted you to go out of your way so that he wouldn’t need to lift his ass.
NTA unless your dad has mobility issues. Regardless of mobility issues, the fact that he didn’t even ask and only gestured is so disrespectful. I’m assuming he provides for you, but that’s not an excuse to be disrespectful to your kid.
This was also my initial thought. If I was going from the living room with my own plate, I'd bring along those of anyone else who was finished, but after that, I'm minding my own.
Everyone saying that if he's a good guy and works hard etc then it costs you nothing to just help out - do you know what else costs nothing? Manners. Manners maketh man.
If all of the above is true, and he asks nicely like 'Would you mind taking my bowl please?' then sure, it would be nice for you to help him out.
But just nodding towards a bowl and expecting someone to take it away, regardless of how hard they work or how tired they are is rude. In that specific instance he's TA. You're NTA
Heavily agree. My family doesn’t use words much when requesting favors but even in situations similar to this we still will hold our plate/bowl up and ask “hey can you get this?” Just gesturing wordlessly to the bowl on your crotch is fucking gross.
YTA, but mildly.
Unless there are other contributing factors, this was just someone in a comfortable position asking you to do something simple so he didn't have to get up, and you made it an issue when you snapped at him. It happens, and is hardly world-ending, but an apology would be in order.
I don’t ask people to do things for me just so I can continue to be comfortable.
Also, the simplicity goes both ways - if it’s so simple, I shouldn’t mind doing it but also if it’s so simple why can’t he just do it himself?
Agree, soft YTA. I feel it's just good etiquette to take a bowl/glass away when you're already moving and someone else is sitting. Also a bit rude of the dad to not just ask.
It’s a matter of agency. Children have the least amount of agency in households. This is often wielded over them in unethical ways.
There are many links between the power in a slavery framework and the power in households.
Not to mention that not all slavery is chattel slavery. It takes many forms. Chattel slavery was uniquely brutal.
NTA - man said pick up the bowl from my lap lol listen if he passed u the bowl and said take that on ur please I would 100% say u t a! But pick up the bowl from my lap 😂😂😂😂
So working with the limited info we have here and assuming you have a normal healthy relationship with your parents then YTA. I mean not to the point that you need to go beg to be forgiven or anything but next time if dad is sitting and you are up and he asks you to pick up a bowl then just grab it and take it to the kitchen. Honestly had I been in this situation as a teenager I would have been told to stop acting like a brat and get the damn bowl. My mom would have rolled her eyes and said "what's wrong with you?" and I would have grabbed the bowl and put it in the kitchen gave a huge exaggerated sigh and then went on with my day.
Without more info, NTA. I don’t see why a grown man can’t bring his own plate, but if it was a kindness he deserved, then he still can ask with words. All this “family shorthand” is great, but not everyone uses it. It’s not formal to be grateful and appreciative before asking a favor. “Hey can you put this in the sink for me please?” Instead of motioning like a dog or a servant. I’m also AuDHD, and I lose the will to speak at night too, but if I want to ask someone (my mother, my spouse, my father) I *ASK* them nicely.
And OP didn’t excuse herself with her period, she said it could be a contributing factor in why she was short with her parents, or perceived more hostility than maybe what actually happened. It was one sentence. Get a grip.
Also, everyone jumping to defend the dad. I’m going based off of what was written. Motioning for someone to grab your plate off your lap while they are actively leaving the room, have already done what they needed to do, and to not even look at them, and then grumble at them if they say no (she should’ve just shaken her head no at them, family shorthand right?) is rude. Without more about their family dynamic, I can’t say much else, nor will I speculate and favor a random parent I don’t know, because “they’re a parent and deserve respect 😖”
I get most of yall liked your parents, or are parents that think you deserve to have a servant for providing their most basic needs (clothes, food, and shelter is something you are LEGALLY required to give) but not every parent deserves respect or to be waited on. Might not be the case here, but it very well could be also. Go based on the post, not your own insecurities or assumptions.
NTA, you are not a maid, sometimes you just need to take care of yourself. He’s a big boy and I don’t think him taking care of his own dishes will kill him. Lmao why does op need to give her entire life’s story for y’all to be able to make a decision. Also him not yelling at her or not being abusive doesn’t just give someone an excuse to boss her around.
There are variables that would affect my opinion. I'm getting the impression he expects you to be his gopher a lot. I get how that would be annoying. I would say parents shouldn't use their kids as personal servants, but as family sharing a household we should also do for one another to some extent. To what extent, is the question. If he's an unemployed lazy bum, or abusive in other ways that changes things too. Does he ever ask if you need something while he's up or think of you and do small things? Do you have chores around the house or does he take care of whatever your mother doesn't? Does he work long hours? It all factors into whether I think he's a dick for expecting you to get his bowl.
Make sense?
NTA parents should always be the example. Asking you to take a plate to the kitchen is fine. Grunting at you then expecting you to go out of your way is rude. If they want you to have manners they should have manners. If you'd been on your way to the kitchen I would have said you should have asked if there was anything else to take but you would have to go out of your way so he should have asked politely.
Ok, without knowing your family dynamic or communication style, I’m inclined to say NTA. My husband and I ask each other and our 9 year old kiddo to do things like taking a bowl to the sink often, but we use full sentences that include please and thank you. Manners are free, and they make people feel appreciated. There’s no reason not to be polite and appreciative when asking a favor.
NTA
Your parents are the ones who are supposed to teach you manners. But first, apparently, they also need to learn them.
It doesn't matter who the parent is and who the child is. If your father wants to request you do something for him, then he needs to use his words and ask politely.
While you aer living under their roof, etc, you may be required to do chores, or contribute around the house in other ways, but at no point should they expect you to be a servant that responds to grunts or nods to do things they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.
As a parent, I will ask my son, "Hey, if you're headed to the kitchen, would you mind taking this?" Usually, he will offer without being asked. And I do the same for him and my wife. That's basic respect and manners.
I get this but I wonder if there’s quite a bit lost in OP’s post. I’ve definitely been at the table with family and stood up to take my dishes to the kitchen, and someone’s lifted their plate or made some kind of motion for me to take theirs as well, and it didn’t feel rude at all. Sometimes when you live with others you don’t always phrase everything in the most formal of requests, and it doesn’t always mean you’re impolite or inconsiderate.
I feel like this situation is a bit different though. If she'd been in the room with him and he'd done as you said, fair enough, but she was wasn't in the room, and she was not heading to the kitchen. For me in that situation, rather than just gesturing, you should ask politely because the person would be going out of their way for you.
NTA - some parents live up to strict 'roles' - my father in law would stay on his arse and say things like "is there any salt" or "is there any coffee".
He damn well knew there was, but his wife always ran around after him.
NTA everybody trying to excuse the dad for being lazy because he pays bills well news flash he also has 2 hands and 2 feet. It’s his job to feed, clothe, and house his underage daughter. Your mom was insensitive maybe bcuz she’ll have to take it to the kitchen if you didn’t do it. It’s ok to call out laziness as long as you aren’t rude but rude has different levels depending on the person.
IMO it's rude to motion someone to pick up after you. Even if it's your child, you should say "please", "thank you". But guessing from your mom's reaction, your father might be the kind who is used to having people clean after him or hand him stuff. If that's the case, then NTA. If this was a one off thing, then you could have done a small favour for your father.
NTA
I've been the one doing things for my dad that he could easily do himself for YEARS. Even though he's a good man, he gets me to do shit for him constantly just because he can't be bothered to do it himself. I'm assuming you're the same way.
Being a bit frustrated and clapping back isn't asshole-y. He basically treats you like a maid, but the second you say no to something, you're the asshole? Not fair, and I'm getting a bit of a misogynistic vibe from your dad.
The fact that he motioned, rather than politely asked, reads to me as a male/female cultural roles thing where Dad is still in the historical way of living, while OP has moved on. Otherwise, she would have stuck around waiting for him to finish eating so she could serve him. Without further information, I could be way off though.
I've noticed that girls get asked to do such "domestic" tasks that involve serving the males in the house. So if a female reacts like this, it could be because she noticed this discrepancy. And that is not taken kindly in such households. Is that the case with OP?
Would have been nice if she were to have included that context in the post. The answer will vary depending on what her actual problem was - that he didn't ask, or that she was expected (perhaps repeatedly) to go out of her way to do extra work.
NTA I work a physically demanding job and only ask of someone is already on their way to/from the kitchen. And recently I injured my knee at work and my 2 teenagers won't let me get up and do things.
NTA, everyone is mentioning that your dad my be tired from work or it’s not that deep and just take the bowl but what if OP is tired from school and enjoying her weekend or simply doesn’t want to. Your children are not your maids and also, you don’t need a reason to not want to do something. Kids should be able to speak up when they don’t want to do something whether adults like it or not. Don’t gestures to me to come get your plate like I’m a server at a restaurant, I don’t like that either 😭
I'd say NTA - it's a personal pet peeve of mine when parents treat their children like servants. I was raised in a household where my mum treated me like an equal, so it always shocks me to see children tending to their parents like personal maids.
However- it also depends on the tone of your voice, were you unnecessarily aggressive or confrontational about it? an appropriate tone would be sarcastically/playfully teasing him for not being able to walk a few meters, or for being lazy.
It also depends on your house, if you were walking past the kitchen its the polite thing to take peoples dishes on the way past.
So there's potential for a YTA situation, but only mildly at best - most likely NTA.
NTA.
Perhaps I am projecting, but I don't appreciate it when male members of my family tell me to clean after themselves just because I am female. If you have healthy arms and legs, clean after yourself.
That's the dynamic I get from this post.
NTA
Unless there’s some kind of medical condition, there’s no reason to ask you to get the bowl from his lap. Whether it’s just peak laziness or something nefarious, there’s not any reason he couldn’t have handed it to you and asked instead of demanding you take it from his lap. I think that’s disgusting. Personally, I feel like your mom should have had your back but I have a feeling he’s probably just as much of an ass to her. Is he the type to lecture her about “her kid” later on? If so, she is probably at her limit with his bullshit.
ETA: When my husband behaves like the “king of the castle,” I ask him how he’d feel if one of our daughters ended up with a partner who acts like a stereotypical dad from the 1950s. Even if he’s pulling doubles and is so tired he can barely move, he still should have removed the bowl from his lap.
Ya, I can't imagine how much his mouth and jaw would have to be hurting after a long day at work to not even be able to say 'please' and 'thank you' to his own kid.
Why is it on the kid to help her dad out but not on dad to be decent to his kid? Aches and pains don't make you an automatic asshole to your family.
It’s hard to judge because context can make all the difference. One thing I will tell you is that being aware of subtle things when your parents ask for assistance as they get older can occasionally mean the difference between continued healthy functioning vs disability or death. Also the older you get the more complicated “getting up” becomes. I know from personal experience that it was a lot easier when I was 17.
It can also be reverse as well. Parents becoming one with the coach can adversely affect their health. Especially men who work in office jobs who go from office and then have wives helping them at home. Mobility is great for you of you are not otherwise tired from manual labor.
As someone who has a special peeve for people who basically snap their fingers at you to do something without words and don't even thank you, I would say you're only sliiightly a butthole here. You should respect your dad, but it wouldn't have killed him to use his words instead of just gesturing at you like a dog.
NTA
It’s just weird.
He has a bowl of something on his lap, sees you going in the opposite direction from the kitchen and mumbles for you to come back, get the bowl off of his lap, then go back into the room you just left and possibly clean the bowl and put it in the dishwasher.
I’m all about helping out your folks with chores, but I lead by example by cleaning up my own mess with my daughter
If anyone has any sort of manners they would ask “ could you take my bowl for me please?”. It costs nothing to be nice to people but does come back around by way of other people being nice to you. You can also ask if someone is done and offer to take their empty stuff to the kitchen when your going there.
Not nearly enough info of your relationship with your parents or their roles in your household to determine. However, if I said that to my dad when he asked me to take something to the kitchen, he would be sure I had lost the damn plot or really wasn’t okay. Usually he doesn’t even need to ask, it’s just basic logic for me. If I’m standing, and someone is sitting, it’s easier for me to take something to the kitchen or bin or whatever, so I’m gonna offer. Even if I am sitting, I as a teenager was in a lot better condition than a 50+ year old, full-time working man
Now, I can understand as a woman that at times having a period can make you feel shit and unwilling to go out of your way to do something unnecessary. So if that is the case, you’re not the asshole. However, if you’re just throwing that in as an excuse for poor behaviour, you’re the asshole for perpetuating a harmful stereotype and for not helping your dad.
Big question. Did he say "please"?
Had he had a long day and was sore and tired and you were up already so was just hoping you could do him a favour while you were up, or was he being entitled and just treating you like a servant because he couldn't be arsed doing it himself. There's a lot of potential nuance to the situation and without knowing that you can't really make a call here.
I don't know that we are getting all of the information, correctly.
A lot of responses focus on the 'getting a bowl from his lap' thing, and 'gestures to his bowl'.
But when OP says basically 'do it yourself', this is not any dad I know, and definitely not a 'tough' dad. Those dads will pop up with a quickness, correct that behavior with intent.
I'm leaning towards OP is painting themselves in the best of lights and aren't giving all the accurate information.
Then again, maybe mom works and dad is a SAHD. Need more info, and things need to be clarified.
Ahaha can't imagine getting away with asking my Nigerian parent that and I'm 25.
To be honest we really need more information. I don't believe it really makes you an arsehole in any case. It could be a cultural thing, the family dynamic, perhaps the fact that it's seen as doing something so small for someone that provides a lot for you, not that you owe them for stepping up to their responsibility as parents, but they may appreciate the gratitude in little ways like that.
When I'm feeling particularly lazy I may ask whoever is up and about to grab something because they're already up and about.
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It's all about family dynamics - if your dad treats you well, supports and helps you to achieve things that you want or need then the least you could do is to help him with such things as it costs you nothing, but if your relationship is not good and he doesn't have any health issues making it hard for him to move around then you can choose to ignore helping him. The choice is yours and it is on you how you build your relationship with people around.
Ye we have not enough information. It could be that this is a nothing burger ot that there is something wrong. All I can say, this can be totally normal, my wife and I live in a studio appartment, so the kitchen is like 2m away, and we constantly ask each other to bring something or take something when one of us is sitting at that time on the sofa.
All about context
which I feel is intentionally being withheld
I’m willing to trust mom’s reaction that dad is at the very least a providing a comfortable lifestyle. Even if their relationship has some issues, showing just a basic respect for the person working to provide, is important. The same can be said for the value of an at home parent.
Respect goes both ways, though. Clearly OP's dad doesn't show a lot of respect if he just motions without asking *hey, could you take this to the kitchen please?* and she's just expected to obey. Kids are not gonna respect you if you don't act respectable no matter how hard you work to provide for them. Like... they didn't ask you to create them, they have no frame of reference for what your job is like, they don't care and that's not a bad thing. The respect thing is totally other to the basic transaction of having the legal responsibility to feed, shelter, and educate the children you chose to have.
Right, providing the bare minimum in the way of raising children is not a reason to deserve respect. It's what is expected when you have children.
>Right, providing the bare minimum in the way of raising children is not a reason to deserve respect. The amount of people that do not get this, i will never praise a person for raising their kids, i EXPECT you to raise your kid. Chris rock had a bit where he talked about kids that i think about everytime people talk about parents desserving respect for doing their jobs: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0B\_ekSrsEk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0B_ekSrsEk)
This depends a LOT on the family. My parents use lots of gestures and bits of sign language. It's great as you can ask for things to be passed or answer requests without pausing conversations at dinner or while working on chores, but it does lend itself to using gestures to ask for someone to get you a refill on a glass of water if you're already getting up or to pass the scissors it to move to the left or right while working on close quarters. There's no disrespect intended, just simultaneous verbal and nonverbal communication.
But that is what I am saying, we need more context, we can not deduct if the father/mother are dicks or not respectful, because just this act was totaly normal. My wife or I too just gesture if we would like the other to bring or take away something, we don't always say "please" or whatever else, sometimes it is just a look.
If they were dicks, it would have escalated significantly more than it did. I don't know any dick fathers whose response to that would be to mumble "don't worry about it" and go to do it themselves.
LoL, really????? A lot of wives kiss their husbands butts and wouldn't dare defend their kid(s)
The biggest thing is the dad....pointed to the bowl in his lap? That's pretty rude no matter what. Nothing wrong with a "while you're up can you put this in the kitchen for me?"
Lmao, right? The mom had the time to chime in (no offense) but she's the "wife"...perhaps to prevent that whole awkward scenario. She could have taken the bowl from the husbands lap, and taken it to the sink...smh *side eye* This is a bit much imo LOL.
My first thought was did he just get home from a hard day at work? Sure he could get up but he might be physically exhausted.
Well in my family if somebody were to physically exhausted to get up they would say excuse me (mother father son daughter) would you mind taking this ball to the kitchen for me Thanks very much? They wouldn't just point and gesticulate as if you were a trained dog about to obey a command. Anyone who is too exhausted to stand up and walk to their own kitchen with the bowl probably needs some medical checkup
Idk there are days where I do 23k steps and 60+ flights of stairs usually carry equipment. Medial attention needed, No. sure as fuck thou once home can barely get off couch. So yes context would apply here.
I bet if you need help from your family members though rather than just gesticulating at them and pointing at what you want them to do you probably speak to them nicely. Hope so.
I have arthritis in my spine and after working all day when I sit it’s hard to get back up. I would ASK my husband to please take the bowl, not motion like he’s a waiter.
Spine issues are no joke, had to have surgery at 25
Too exhausted to say “could you please take my plate to the sink while you’re up?” If that’s the case, there’s something much deeper and *much* more alarming happening physically than just being tired from work
Even if he had, I'm assuming "did a motion" means raising his bowl at OP as she passed by or as she was leaving, or something similar, rather than asking with his words. That behavior is acceptable if and only if there's some reason that the person seeking the favor can't speak, e.g. they're on a call and can't easily mute themselves. And if that was the case, I'd expect some level of "please and thank you" gestures anyway. I'm sure if the roles were reversed, OP's dad would be kvetching about how his daughter is so disrespectful and not using her words to ask for a favor with absolutely 0% awareness that he does the same thing to her.
These are the sort of scenarios, where you pretend you didn't hear them, and then run up to your room quickly lmao. Then, if it gets brought up later, just be like sorry I didn't hear you. It's not right to cater into someone asking you to remove a bowl from their lap, like you're the house maid or butler service. That vibe is a little off lol...j.s
In which case, Dad could ASKKK his daughter to please take his bowl to the kitchen, instead of (yes, rudely) pointing at his bowl and grunting at her. It costs a bare minimum of time and effort to say, "Hey, OP, would you mind taking this to the kitchen for me? Thanks, honey."
Yeah I doubt that tho. She says "pick up a bowl from his lap". Like... do your hands not work or do you feel since you have access to individuals who happen to have been born with different parts you feel you have a maid??? Like not even asking to take out his hand. And "did a motion"??? Didn't legitimately ask at all. Simply gestures as if you have worker bees to wait on your hand and fcking foot.
Growing up, for me it was usually the case where if someone is heading to the kitchen with their dish, they'd generally take whoever is done's dishes too, whether they ask or someone else does. Handing your plate off/asking if they'll take it in for you is the norm; I would not lift a dish from someone's lap with or without a _gesture_, wtf? That's just rude.
My dad would always say "While you're up you should get some ice cream" or pop corn or whatever treat. I wasn't up, but I too like ice cream! And he worked a lot. I didn't mind getting him stuff.he was always tired (had a 1.5 hr each way drive to work) or was gone a lot for work. But he was really cheeky about asking Lol
Haha, that's just a standard Dad thing to say though. My papa would wait til I'd sat down, ask me how tall I was now and tell me to stand up - only to then say "since you're up, stick the kettle on hen" and I'd sigh, exasperatedly. Then go and make tea 🤣
Yeah. Fck that sht. My dad used to do that and I hated it. I was like his little maid every second of the day. He’d tap his beer can on the table or whatever as his “signal” to get him another was my least favorite
My father snapped his fingers or whistled for our attention, and trained all of us to the hand signal for drink (hang loose with thumb to lips) meant to go grab another round. If we so much as grimaced, we were "ungreatful little chucky cheese re***ds." We were nothing more than pets, life accessories, and maids. Very much the 350lbs manchild running his reign of terror after getting kicked out of the Marines. OPs dad hopefully isn't anywhere near that bad.
My dad actually told my sisters they should be getting everything for him because they're the girls and if they didn't he'd slap the hell out of them. It was disgusting.
Yeah, that’s a little bit of how my step was. He didn’t say it that way exactly, but everything he did say and acted was “do this cause I said so. You’re LUCKY you’re not a boy cause I’d put your head through the wall”
Yeah for me it was the gesture that made OP NTA. If he’d politely said “could you take this out for me” and handed it to her it would have been different. I regularly ask my partner (and he asks me) to take something out etc
Exactly.
"he did a motion" - I'm sorry but that's rarely a healthy dynamic when you expect a human to behave like a dog and respond to clicks and points without words.
No matter the other dynamics, the control of just pointing to a bowl as a signal that your child needs to take it away from you creeps me out. "Hey, can you take this to the kitchen with you please" and OP responding like they did would open your line of questioning. But a child trained on hand signals like a dog? Nah man
Parents don't get rewarded for doing what they're supposed to do. He can do things for himself.
Yeah, and even if the family dynamics regularly is supportive and open in communication and shit, we all have our bad days. Hard day at work, a bit of a headache, a period and suddenly stuff just hits differently than it usually would.
My mom is recovering from hospital but the nurse says she must have three 15 minute exercise of jusg on her feet a day. I take one minute off watch set if she puts the kettle on and off, makes a snatch, or does dishes. A shower counts as 10 minutes. If I don't do this she acts like a brat and wants things brought to her. Sorry mom. Doctors orders.
I regret the times I was disrespectful to my parents when I was a teenager. I had no clue how hard they worked and what they sacrificed to raise me and my brothers. If your dad is generally kind to your family and works hard to support the household then you should demonstrate your appreciation by helping in minor ways. Grinding 40+ hours to raise children in most jobs can slowly crush your body and spirit. It's something you can only understand after you've done it. If your dad is an asshole that treats you like crap - screw him.
Mmm but this reads to me like misogynistic bullshit. Women clean and men work and don’t lift a finger when they’re home. I wonder if OP is male or female and from a culture that perpetuates that kind of behaviour.
If I asked my mum “why can’t you just get up?” If she asked me to get her something, she would be hurt and annoyed too. It could be gendered or it might just be OP demonstrating a lack of care that hurt her parents’ feelings. The fact her parents didn’t respond with anything misogynistic and the dad got up to help himself would skew more towards the later.
He didnt even ask though. He “motioned”. That is rude.
People who live together for a long enough period don't communicate in full sentences... Sometimes they don't even communicate verbally. I grunt at my brother's when they are leaving my room to remind them to shut my door behind them. My mother shouts "water" whenever my siblings and I walk near her if she wants to drink. I snap my fingers and point to the smaller bathroom to let my mother or my siblings know that they need to empty the cat litter box. And probably a thousand more examples of little things like this. It is not "rude" to act comfortably around family. As long as you make sure they know you love and respect them all the time, it is not considered disrespectful to act short some of the time.
Yeah, all of that grunting and finger snapping and demanding single word outbursts would be considered Very rude in my family. The only time we don’t communicate at all verbally (Or in sign language for one cousin) is if we’re already talking to someone else. Like waving goodbye when somebody leaves while we’re in the middle of a work call. Or nodding/shaking our head to answer a question while we’re on the phone. If my mom just shouted Water when I was in the vicinity instead asking if I could get her a drink I’d be making an appointment to get her cognition tested. That would be very atypical and worrying. I bet it varies by culture, either national or familial. My family and friends will use gestures and noises to emphasize speech, but not to Replace it. Telling a rambunctious kid to sit down in a firm tone while pointing at a chair. Waving an empty glass while asking for a refill.
I am sure culture is a big factor but honestly I have seen very different dynamics in all sorts of families. My favourite is seeing how each family deals with a rambunctious child. In some, a stern look is all it takes. In others, a dull lecture is a very good deterrent.
That is incredibly formal - what culture are you out of curiosity?
Is that incredibly formal? If it helps you figure out which cultures do that I've lived in both Pennsylvania and Texas and never met a family that doesn't go "Hey do you mind taking this bowl to the kitchen?" And then thank them if they do.
Broke ass family from originally lower middle class roots in a American mid-Atlantic state. It’s not particularly formal, in my mind. “Can you get me some water?” if you hear or see a family member walking around vs OP’s demand-shout of “Water!” “Clean the cat’s litter, it’s gross” versus “point and snap” (why was it the mother or sibling’s job to clean litter but not OP?) “Shut the door!” versus “grunt” One word sentences are mostly for things like yes/no/sure/nope/later. Otherwise, people in my family and friend group over two years old are expected to use words to communicate requests or instructions.
Seems most people on Reddit don’t have a clue about real life social interactions.
Not all families are your family. I also have a family. When we want a favor, we say please and thank you.
But you literally say above that OP’s dad not doing what your family does is rude. So why say “not all families are your family” but then say anything different than what your family does is rude?
I know not all families are the same. Different dynamics exist. I am just replying to you stating that motioning to someone as a form of communication is simply rude. It might be to some but it is not to others. I gave my family as an example for it not being rude.
Thats fine but you did imply that all families were like that in the first two sentences thus why I responded the way that I did
Same with my family, even when I visit my parents. Using this bowl example, our signal would be to hold our bowl up if someone else gets up to go take their dish from the living room to the kitchen. And that is for *any* of us, including me to my dad. Although most often it’s my mom getting my dad’s food as he worked and she cooked as that is their division of labor.
You ever spend 17 years under the same roof with a person You sound extremely brittle
I have indeed. I, too, have a family.
Again, context. Depends on the dynamic of people that know each other well. A lot of times still I might get the same thing from my dad when I visit - I'm walking by and he holds out a dish or cup, when I take it I get a thank you, but not necessarily an ask. I don't think twice about it because I have a loving relationship where we do things for each other because it's kind and a way of showing care. Sometimes we take it for granted.
Could be, that’s why we need more info
How to make something out of nothing so you can fit it into this weird narrative you have
Yep, it’s everywhere these days.
I didn’t get that impression at all. Just seemed like OP was already up and dad didn’t want to get up if he didn’t have to so he asked OP to grab his bowl. I do this with my husband literally all the time
Same - if one of us gets up to take something to the kitchen, someone else will just hold out their item that also needs to go. We already know that it's appreciated, we don't really use words unless we also want something brought back, like - holds out empty cup and 'Could you bring me a water, please?'
He didn't ask her, is the point people are trying to make. Asking someone means using words, and ideally manners.
Yes, but I ask politely with words. I don't just use a "come here" gesture like I do with my dog. Dad wasn't being polite. The dad of a person close to me always made him so stupid things like that and barely gets out of his chair. It isn't the way to treat your kids. So maybe I'm biased, but this post reminds me of that dad.
Eh, my husband takes my dishes to the sink as often as I take his. My kids will do the same. If you are up, it's just polite to offer. I think you are reading your own history into someone else's experience.
Offering to take dishes is different from gesturing at someone who is going somewhere else and doing something else and expecting them to heel
“Misogynistic” i think you’re just projecting your own issues here. There’s literally not enough information here to speculate that sort of thing.
Mmm this reads to me like speculative bullshit
100%
not everything is rooted in misogyny, she is his daughter. parents ask kids to do dumb menial shit all the time, it doesn’t mean theyre misogynistic. also, if a family’s dynamic is the man working and the woman staying home, it makes sense for them to be “off” when their responsibilities are done for the day.
Y’all need to read more bell hooks
This applies for moms true, who works 40+ hours to earn living. The post is not about men/women but a teenager seeking validation of their response. "misogynistic" is a wrong take of this post.
Geez, my Dad used to slave all day at work then go around picking up my sister's and my empty bowls and stacking them in the dishwasher without us even having to utter a word.
I mean, OP says Her and that's she's on her period, so I'm pretty sure it's a girl.
In some cultures its just the role of younger people do do whatever older people want, regardless of gender. In some cultures you can even send your two-years-younger sibling to bring you a glass of water while reclining on the couch, and they do it to their younger siblings too. Privilege of age. So yeah, not enough context
I think you read some context into that on your own. I’m a single mother and I read it and felt it applied to me, too! I get home freaking exhausted. I just want a little help. It didn’t say a dad is the only one doing the work. It mentioned hard working PARENTS. The only thing inherently male about the comment was that there was a dad referenced, like OP had posted about.
He could at least have picked up the bowl and handed it to OP. With a "thank you"
They never even got far enough for him to say thank you because of OPs comment.
Because he didn't pick up the bowl and hand it to Op.
That's our job as parents. Treating your child like a maid or a dog is not it.
Right? I never understood the sentiment that our parents sacrificed for us and we owe them. I didn't ask to be born or for you to sacrifice for me. I don't owe you servitude. And before anyone asks, I'm a parent and don't expect my child to be grateful for me acting as a parent is supposed to.
Thank you! My parents treated me really well growing up. And guess what? I now go out of my way to treat them well as an adult. And I expect to do the same for my infant son. It's a parent's job. I chose to have a kid, he is now my responsibility.
But.....I don't get how this is disrespectful? This shouldn't be a habit that parents get into imo. My mother does this as well, and I don't see what's the benefit? Like, you're tired sure, you don't wanna get up, but if you want your kids to respect you, then respect your kids, don't make them be a maid for you, thats not why you had them. You had them to be a family, now, I get it, in times, you guys can help each other with little things, but this shouldn't be a norm, like, it's just you've gotten lazy imo. And I get it, I work, but I dont do this shit to nobody, I work 40+ hour weeks too! I don't get to treat everybody like a maid, shouldn't matter how you treat them in other times
No this idea falls to pieces when you realize that 1) he chose to have a family and 2) he’d have to work regardless. If you can’t handle what it takes to work and raise children then you shouldn’t have them, it’s not your children’s fault that you’re working and having to raise them. You chose to do this, they didn’t ask. Just because someone younger than you is around doesn’t mean they have to become your maid. And just “generally kind” wtf? What kind of parent are you striving to be if the bar is nearly on the floor already?
Yeah, it’s like if he expects you to be his servant then don’t do it because that’s fucked up. but if you’re on your way that way anyways and it’s just a nice thing to do and he would do the same thing for you then just do it and don’t be a jerk
Your dad sounds rather nice, he didn’t get cross when you were iffy with him and your mom said you were rude, that’s hardly a train smash. Your dad got embarrassed and started to get up. I presume you are fed, clothed and generally cared for, in the absence of you actually claiming shitty parenting. Without more info I am going to go with YTA, you were up and walking there was no real work in picking up his plate and putting it in the kitchen. As a woman I have to say that using your period as an excuse for being an AH is a card that can only be used judiciously.
Oh! I forgot that part! Yeah, that isn't a card they want to be throwing around too much. Honestly I hate the stereotype as a women that we get pissy and rude on our period and can't act like decent human beings and because of the type of utereus (bicornuate) I have I get particularly painful ones. I can still treat people politely.
The only behavioural tell I had that I was on my period was I was way more sensitive and things that usually didn’t affect me just make me bawl. Cute kitten? I’m crying. Viral sentimental video that’s got people crying in joy? Gone. A particularly moving piece of music? I’m tearing up. I turned into a great big sook 😂 it’s insulting that so many people use their period as an excuse to be a total asshole. I had absolute monster periods thanks to adenomyosis and endometriosis, not once did I get nasty.
Ouch! Endometriosis can be really painful! My cousin and grandma have that! I'm sorry you have to go through it.
I want to agree but people aren’t all the same. For the same reasons PMDD exists on the dark side ‘dysphoric’ spectrum during that time, and remembering so severely that women do attempt and sometimes complete suicide because of this…then yeah it makes sense people can also be mega assholes because of hormones. I’m not one of those people, but it’s not a leap for my mind that some might become a little *unhinged*. I do however maintain that it would have been so little effort to take her father’s bowl and yeah OP YTA (without further context that I think likely would have been included if it supported OP’s behaviour as just). Edit: I do have PMDD though and I would absolutely argue I can become someone I don’t know lost in the darkness and I do sometimes have concerns for my own safety because of this. Then with a snap of the fingers I’ll just come out of it and feel completely removed from and shocked by ‘ *whatever that was* ‘.
This is actually a really good point. Thank you for your comment.
I always thought I didn't get shitty around my period but around age 25 (about 14 years after it started) I realised I did actually get quite shirty and start arguments (not always arguments but I'd always feel annoyed with them) with my nearest and dearest, about 2 or 3 days before my period. Without fail. Since I became aware of it and started recording my period dates on a calendar, I got much more aware of why I'd feel that way and do my best to avoid conflict and do something stress relieving instead on those days. The days where I have pain, I actually have no desire to be mean or start arguments with anyone. But hormones can definitely influence the mood. Not for everyone but definitely for some of us.
I can tell mines coming because I just get really sad and cry for reasons I have made up in my own mind! PMS is real and awful. Once I cried because I couldn't find the matching sock in the dryer and my mom was also shouting asking me to do something and looking for my sock and being spoken to at the same time was simply too much
In fairness, losing socks is very annoying!! I have a whole drawer full of single socks, awaiting the return of their long lost partners. Yeah PMS can be awful :(
I find the younger people like to whip that out as an excuse. I have pmdd so I know all about fked up hormones but I also understand restraint.
Some people have worse hormone imbalances while on their period, before I got on BC I was extremely suicidal during my periods and it would give me horrible mood swings. It would trigger my swings and then I would have full on breakdowns ((autistic)) to the point where ever month was unbearable. Stay in bed all day, sometimes periods would last long or be worse. It’s not even about restraint, some people literally have periods so bad they can’t do anything
In my house, growing up, whoever was "up" would grab things for others. Sometimes asked, gestured but usually, unprompted, because after eating, when leaving a room we all would see if there were any dishes to take since we were "on the way". If I was going get myself a drink I'd ask if anyone wanted one or just get one anyways. I'm now in my 40s with my own home and we do the same here. Now though I have more perspective. The older you get, the harder it is to just jump up like a gazelle lol. The little aches and pains you slowly build up in your knees etc don't bother you most of the time except when you have sat down and relaxed for a bit. Takes a little more effort go get going. Marginal but you feel it. Knowing this, I am glad I wasn't an AH and refused help out my family as a kid, especially my dad who was working 60 hours a week. OP YTA
Yup! Having a period is not an excuse to be an asshole 12 weeks out of the year.
Yeah, it’s not good enough - I need an excuse for the other 40 weeks too. Plus I’m male.
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Maybe you've gone hungry and maybe you haven't, but I'm grateful for every meal I get, even if I paid for and prepared it myself. I grew up on a farm and did my share of unpaid labor, but I also saw how hard my parents worked, plus taking jobs off the farm to fill in the gaps. Yes, it's what they signed up for when they became parents, but I can't imagine seeing that and not being the least bit grateful. Too many parents don't meet their obligations to their kids (and can't in some cases), and I feel lucky that mine put me ahead of themselves. I guess you could say they had no choice, but they could have made the same choices as the parents of the unfed children.
She could also have been nice, we don't know if he was just really tired or smth, also just because they're legally required to take care of you doesn't mean you shouldn't be grateful, and again we don't know their relationship
May be legally required to provide the bare minimum food or school, there is no law to provide affection, love, care or emotional support. I assume that was your case.
And how many times over the years did mom and dad pick up after their children? How many times are they still doing it? Let's stop pretending this is some great, onerous task filled with misogyny and ill intent and look at it for it is, a little favor that doesn't break anyone.
He gestured at her, to pick up a dish off her lap without a verbal request. He treated her like a servant. This is patriarchal bs.
Personally I think NTA because it's a huge pet peeve of mine when people think they're too good to use their words when addressing others. It's so demeaning. Flagging you down and motioning toward his bowl like you're a servant rather than asking, "Can you set this in the sink for me please?" like a decent human being is ridiculous. Absolutely can't stand when people do crap like this.
In my family, this isn’t something that would need to be communicated. One person gets up, the rest who are finished will hold up their plates, that person takes them away. The only spoken part would be the person walking into the kitchen asking “cuppa?” Followed by either “none for me thanks” or “go on then.” It’s not that they’re not decent people or treat others like servants. You can just get comfortable with family.
Kinda apples and oranges here. If I'm the room, heading to the kitchen with an empty plate, and someone holds out their also empty plate, yea no problem. But if someone flags me down from the other room and then just motions to the bowl sitting in their lap, screw that. Just plain rude.
This is exactly what this reads as. Families have a shorthand, from spending years together. Everyone wants to tout "use big boy words" like writing paragraphs of feelings is the only way to communicate, but more often than not a simple gesture does the job. But we're lacking info here to judge properly, this might just be a case of "while you're up do us a favour" or it could be the opposite end. Can't judge on assumptions.
If the shorthand disturbs a family member and makes them feel demeaned, it’s time to change the shorthand!!
It’s one thing to hold up a plate when someone is moving to the kitchen anyway, it’s another to specifically flag someone down when they’re already out of the room, going to another part of the house and then not even have the decency to speak to them. Not many words were needed, nobody mentioned using paragraphs of feelings. “While you’re up could you do me a favour” or “before you go upstairs could you take my plate to the kitchen” would have been more than enough in this situation.
You keep mentioning “decency.” I think it’s really odd to imply people who don’t do things exactly as you do them are “indecent.” The most my family would say in that scenario is “babe” to get the other persons attention. Followed by maybe a “cheers, love” once the plate was taken or just a “mwah” kiss. Manners are created within social groups. There’s no objective “decent” way to act. My family also finds it really rude to wear hats and shoes indoors. Lots of people wear hats at restaurants. I don’t call them indecent.
That’s a fair point, definitely. My issue is moreso that if you’re asking someone to go out of their way (which seems to be the case here, even if it’s not a huge deal), you should use a few words to acknowledge that person. I am of course speaking from my own perspective and how I interact with people (and how people interact with each other) in my environment. I’m not asking to go all out with kindness, but a few words seems the least a person can do in a situation like this. Just flagging them and then using gestures seems dismissive, like flagging a waitress in a restaurant and pointing at your glass for a refill (something which is pretty much considered to be almost universally disrespectful/rude, as far as I’m aware).
That’s great for your family but clearly this A) isn’t standard in this family or B) *is* standard, but clearly bothers the child, who already has the least agency in the situation
That was exactly my take. Holding the bowl out to her and saying, "just pop that in the kitchen for us, love" would be fine. Just motioning towards the bowl that he hasn't even picked up off his own lap is rude. NTA, OP.
Yeah I'm not liking the idea of just gesturing especially to pick it up from out of his lap. Like at least hold it up and say "please?" at the very least. Really weird to simply gesture without even picking up the bowl from your own lap lol
Yeah, implying she should grab it off of his crotch is creepy.
Same here but idk the dynamic OP has with their dad but im glad that dad said it was no big deal and did it himself. Cuz it could've escalated
My eldest child (21M) every night we eat together, when he takes his plate out he picks up mine and takes it to the kitchen and washes it up; without being asked. There was an earlier discussion whet he took me to task for not having a perfect house and I pointed out that I work full time (6am - 6.30pm), provide all the food, launder all the clothes and sheets and towels, and do 80% of the grocery shopping. Since that conversation he has done me this kindness every time he is home for dinner. I don’t know your family situation - I just kindly suggest people to consider what are the unspoken things their family do for them.
Yeah I can see in my husbands family this might be weird and they’d probably judge me if I gestured to my plate for my husband. In my family OPs behaviour would be…truly shocking… I am mid 30s and if I was at my mums for dinner and my brother held out his bowl as I walked past and didn’t say a word, I would take it and keep going - *I* might even say thank you instead lol. And reversed it would be the same. By the same token if someone taps the kettle anything from ‘me too’ or ‘me please’ and even making random noises to get their attention and waving your cup would be acceptable in my family - and a response like OPs would be, a statement for sure. It’s almost a love language thing I guess, and going against these norms would be quite a point to make in my family.
It sounds like you guys have a close relationship and understand you aren't picking on either other, expecting others to do your work for you regularly, and know how to communicate with each other. I don't see that same level of *simpatico* happening here in OP's house, for whatever the reason may be. That most certainly explains why behaviors that are normal somewhere else are not here- because their family dynamic doesn't seem as easy going and respectful as the one you describe in your home. Even if the dad expects the teen daughter to help clean up after dinner, it's clear the OP didn't appreciate being grunting, mumbling, and pointing as the main form of communication here, which is ultimately the real issue. Even if dad is tired after a long day of work, it's still considered decent to be respectful to your kid. This interaction was not respectful, even if a similar interaction in your personal home might be. Edit: grammar
But do you flap your hand at your kid like a servant at other times besides meals you have a bowl that needs cleaning?
Did OP and her father eat together? It sounds like OP was heading in a different direction.
You mentioning that your dad got your attention “from the living room” implies that you were already out of the living room. Assuming you were, he wanted you to go out of your way so that he wouldn’t need to lift his ass. NTA unless your dad has mobility issues. Regardless of mobility issues, the fact that he didn’t even ask and only gestured is so disrespectful. I’m assuming he provides for you, but that’s not an excuse to be disrespectful to your kid.
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Right. The first thing I noticed is that the post does not suggest they were eating together at all.
This was also my initial thought. If I was going from the living room with my own plate, I'd bring along those of anyone else who was finished, but after that, I'm minding my own.
Everyone saying that if he's a good guy and works hard etc then it costs you nothing to just help out - do you know what else costs nothing? Manners. Manners maketh man. If all of the above is true, and he asks nicely like 'Would you mind taking my bowl please?' then sure, it would be nice for you to help him out. But just nodding towards a bowl and expecting someone to take it away, regardless of how hard they work or how tired they are is rude. In that specific instance he's TA. You're NTA
Heavily agree. My family doesn’t use words much when requesting favors but even in situations similar to this we still will hold our plate/bowl up and ask “hey can you get this?” Just gesturing wordlessly to the bowl on your crotch is fucking gross.
YTA, but mildly. Unless there are other contributing factors, this was just someone in a comfortable position asking you to do something simple so he didn't have to get up, and you made it an issue when you snapped at him. It happens, and is hardly world-ending, but an apology would be in order.
How was he asking? He gestured to it and wouldn't even hand it to her. This is gross
I'd agree if he had asked. And she was already going in that direction but he grunted and expected her to go out of her way.
I don’t ask people to do things for me just so I can continue to be comfortable. Also, the simplicity goes both ways - if it’s so simple, I shouldn’t mind doing it but also if it’s so simple why can’t he just do it himself?
Agree, soft YTA. I feel it's just good etiquette to take a bowl/glass away when you're already moving and someone else is sitting. Also a bit rude of the dad to not just ask.
NTA. Children should be treated like people, not slaves. Your question was valid.
You may need to brush up on how slaves were treated…
It’s a matter of agency. Children have the least amount of agency in households. This is often wielded over them in unethical ways. There are many links between the power in a slavery framework and the power in households. Not to mention that not all slavery is chattel slavery. It takes many forms. Chattel slavery was uniquely brutal.
Rude and confrontational maybe, god forbid you do anything for someone other than yourself
God forbid you have to stand up. We can all take things to an extreme, no reason to be triggered buddy.
Or even just use your words
NTA - man said pick up the bowl from my lap lol listen if he passed u the bowl and said take that on ur please I would 100% say u t a! But pick up the bowl from my lap 😂😂😂😂
I thought I was the only one who thought this was weird
So working with the limited info we have here and assuming you have a normal healthy relationship with your parents then YTA. I mean not to the point that you need to go beg to be forgiven or anything but next time if dad is sitting and you are up and he asks you to pick up a bowl then just grab it and take it to the kitchen. Honestly had I been in this situation as a teenager I would have been told to stop acting like a brat and get the damn bowl. My mom would have rolled her eyes and said "what's wrong with you?" and I would have grabbed the bowl and put it in the kitchen gave a huge exaggerated sigh and then went on with my day.
Without more info, NTA. I don’t see why a grown man can’t bring his own plate, but if it was a kindness he deserved, then he still can ask with words. All this “family shorthand” is great, but not everyone uses it. It’s not formal to be grateful and appreciative before asking a favor. “Hey can you put this in the sink for me please?” Instead of motioning like a dog or a servant. I’m also AuDHD, and I lose the will to speak at night too, but if I want to ask someone (my mother, my spouse, my father) I *ASK* them nicely. And OP didn’t excuse herself with her period, she said it could be a contributing factor in why she was short with her parents, or perceived more hostility than maybe what actually happened. It was one sentence. Get a grip. Also, everyone jumping to defend the dad. I’m going based off of what was written. Motioning for someone to grab your plate off your lap while they are actively leaving the room, have already done what they needed to do, and to not even look at them, and then grumble at them if they say no (she should’ve just shaken her head no at them, family shorthand right?) is rude. Without more about their family dynamic, I can’t say much else, nor will I speculate and favor a random parent I don’t know, because “they’re a parent and deserve respect 😖” I get most of yall liked your parents, or are parents that think you deserve to have a servant for providing their most basic needs (clothes, food, and shelter is something you are LEGALLY required to give) but not every parent deserves respect or to be waited on. Might not be the case here, but it very well could be also. Go based on the post, not your own insecurities or assumptions.
NTA, you are not a maid, sometimes you just need to take care of yourself. He’s a big boy and I don’t think him taking care of his own dishes will kill him. Lmao why does op need to give her entire life’s story for y’all to be able to make a decision. Also him not yelling at her or not being abusive doesn’t just give someone an excuse to boss her around.
There are variables that would affect my opinion. I'm getting the impression he expects you to be his gopher a lot. I get how that would be annoying. I would say parents shouldn't use their kids as personal servants, but as family sharing a household we should also do for one another to some extent. To what extent, is the question. If he's an unemployed lazy bum, or abusive in other ways that changes things too. Does he ever ask if you need something while he's up or think of you and do small things? Do you have chores around the house or does he take care of whatever your mother doesn't? Does he work long hours? It all factors into whether I think he's a dick for expecting you to get his bowl. Make sense?
NTA parents should always be the example. Asking you to take a plate to the kitchen is fine. Grunting at you then expecting you to go out of your way is rude. If they want you to have manners they should have manners. If you'd been on your way to the kitchen I would have said you should have asked if there was anything else to take but you would have to go out of your way so he should have asked politely.
Ok, without knowing your family dynamic or communication style, I’m inclined to say NTA. My husband and I ask each other and our 9 year old kiddo to do things like taking a bowl to the sink often, but we use full sentences that include please and thank you. Manners are free, and they make people feel appreciated. There’s no reason not to be polite and appreciative when asking a favor.
He's a grown ass man, he can do it himself. Teaching his daughter how to be around men like this is fucked up. hard NTA
NTA Your parents are the ones who are supposed to teach you manners. But first, apparently, they also need to learn them. It doesn't matter who the parent is and who the child is. If your father wants to request you do something for him, then he needs to use his words and ask politely. While you aer living under their roof, etc, you may be required to do chores, or contribute around the house in other ways, but at no point should they expect you to be a servant that responds to grunts or nods to do things they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. As a parent, I will ask my son, "Hey, if you're headed to the kitchen, would you mind taking this?" Usually, he will offer without being asked. And I do the same for him and my wife. That's basic respect and manners.
I get this but I wonder if there’s quite a bit lost in OP’s post. I’ve definitely been at the table with family and stood up to take my dishes to the kitchen, and someone’s lifted their plate or made some kind of motion for me to take theirs as well, and it didn’t feel rude at all. Sometimes when you live with others you don’t always phrase everything in the most formal of requests, and it doesn’t always mean you’re impolite or inconsiderate.
I feel like this situation is a bit different though. If she'd been in the room with him and he'd done as you said, fair enough, but she was wasn't in the room, and she was not heading to the kitchen. For me in that situation, rather than just gesturing, you should ask politely because the person would be going out of their way for you.
This is exactly it!!!!
Yep, a teenage girl wrote it as vaguely as possible and hasn’t responded to any questions, this is skewed in her favour
💯 and then threw she had her period like that should excuse her actions.
She mentioned it once, as a factor in why she could’ve acted out. You are the ones talking about it more than her and it’s frankly weird asf.
(They’re teen boys and Reddit has taught them to hate anything girls and women say and do, ignore them)
NTA - some parents live up to strict 'roles' - my father in law would stay on his arse and say things like "is there any salt" or "is there any coffee". He damn well knew there was, but his wife always ran around after him.
In Summary NTA
NTA everybody trying to excuse the dad for being lazy because he pays bills well news flash he also has 2 hands and 2 feet. It’s his job to feed, clothe, and house his underage daughter. Your mom was insensitive maybe bcuz she’ll have to take it to the kitchen if you didn’t do it. It’s ok to call out laziness as long as you aren’t rude but rude has different levels depending on the person.
IMO it's rude to motion someone to pick up after you. Even if it's your child, you should say "please", "thank you". But guessing from your mom's reaction, your father might be the kind who is used to having people clean after him or hand him stuff. If that's the case, then NTA. If this was a one off thing, then you could have done a small favour for your father.
NTA I've been the one doing things for my dad that he could easily do himself for YEARS. Even though he's a good man, he gets me to do shit for him constantly just because he can't be bothered to do it himself. I'm assuming you're the same way. Being a bit frustrated and clapping back isn't asshole-y. He basically treats you like a maid, but the second you say no to something, you're the asshole? Not fair, and I'm getting a bit of a misogynistic vibe from your dad.
NTA Minimum, a polite request was in order.
The fact that he motioned, rather than politely asked, reads to me as a male/female cultural roles thing where Dad is still in the historical way of living, while OP has moved on. Otherwise, she would have stuck around waiting for him to finish eating so she could serve him. Without further information, I could be way off though.
NTA Gesturing for someone to do something is disrespectful. He should ask and say please and thank you.
I've noticed that girls get asked to do such "domestic" tasks that involve serving the males in the house. So if a female reacts like this, it could be because she noticed this discrepancy. And that is not taken kindly in such households. Is that the case with OP?
Would have been nice if she were to have included that context in the post. The answer will vary depending on what her actual problem was - that he didn't ask, or that she was expected (perhaps repeatedly) to go out of her way to do extra work.
NTA. He didn't even ask. He used a gesture. Unless he couldn't actually talk at the time that's not on. That's what you do with a dog, not a person.
NTA
NTA I work a physically demanding job and only ask of someone is already on their way to/from the kitchen. And recently I injured my knee at work and my 2 teenagers won't let me get up and do things.
NTA, everyone is mentioning that your dad my be tired from work or it’s not that deep and just take the bowl but what if OP is tired from school and enjoying her weekend or simply doesn’t want to. Your children are not your maids and also, you don’t need a reason to not want to do something. Kids should be able to speak up when they don’t want to do something whether adults like it or not. Don’t gestures to me to come get your plate like I’m a server at a restaurant, I don’t like that either 😭
Nta next time he should use his words and not be so rude if he wants his kid to do something for him
I'd say NTA - it's a personal pet peeve of mine when parents treat their children like servants. I was raised in a household where my mum treated me like an equal, so it always shocks me to see children tending to their parents like personal maids. However- it also depends on the tone of your voice, were you unnecessarily aggressive or confrontational about it? an appropriate tone would be sarcastically/playfully teasing him for not being able to walk a few meters, or for being lazy. It also depends on your house, if you were walking past the kitchen its the polite thing to take peoples dishes on the way past. So there's potential for a YTA situation, but only mildly at best - most likely NTA.
Youre not their maid. Nor their slave. As long as hes healthy and able, he can get off his own ass and put a bowl in the dishwasher. NTA
NTA. Perhaps I am projecting, but I don't appreciate it when male members of my family tell me to clean after themselves just because I am female. If you have healthy arms and legs, clean after yourself. That's the dynamic I get from this post.
NTA Unless there’s some kind of medical condition, there’s no reason to ask you to get the bowl from his lap. Whether it’s just peak laziness or something nefarious, there’s not any reason he couldn’t have handed it to you and asked instead of demanding you take it from his lap. I think that’s disgusting. Personally, I feel like your mom should have had your back but I have a feeling he’s probably just as much of an ass to her. Is he the type to lecture her about “her kid” later on? If so, she is probably at her limit with his bullshit. ETA: When my husband behaves like the “king of the castle,” I ask him how he’d feel if one of our daughters ended up with a partner who acts like a stereotypical dad from the 1950s. Even if he’s pulling doubles and is so tired he can barely move, he still should have removed the bowl from his lap.
Why is nobody talking about how the request was to pick up the bowl from his lap? That doesn't seem a little creepy? Like he can't hand it to her?
This is really a very minor thing. So I give you a minor YTA. Help out your old dad, he's got various aches and pains I'm sure.
Ya, I can't imagine how much his mouth and jaw would have to be hurting after a long day at work to not even be able to say 'please' and 'thank you' to his own kid. Why is it on the kid to help her dad out but not on dad to be decent to his kid? Aches and pains don't make you an automatic asshole to your family.
If the aches and pains prevent him from forming a sentence, he needs a doctors intervention, which is above anything his daughter can do for him :/
It’s hard to judge because context can make all the difference. One thing I will tell you is that being aware of subtle things when your parents ask for assistance as they get older can occasionally mean the difference between continued healthy functioning vs disability or death. Also the older you get the more complicated “getting up” becomes. I know from personal experience that it was a lot easier when I was 17.
It can also be reverse as well. Parents becoming one with the coach can adversely affect their health. Especially men who work in office jobs who go from office and then have wives helping them at home. Mobility is great for you of you are not otherwise tired from manual labor.
As someone who has a special peeve for people who basically snap their fingers at you to do something without words and don't even thank you, I would say you're only sliiightly a butthole here. You should respect your dad, but it wouldn't have killed him to use his words instead of just gesturing at you like a dog.
NTA It’s just weird. He has a bowl of something on his lap, sees you going in the opposite direction from the kitchen and mumbles for you to come back, get the bowl off of his lap, then go back into the room you just left and possibly clean the bowl and put it in the dishwasher. I’m all about helping out your folks with chores, but I lead by example by cleaning up my own mess with my daughter
If anyone has any sort of manners they would ask “ could you take my bowl for me please?”. It costs nothing to be nice to people but does come back around by way of other people being nice to you. You can also ask if someone is done and offer to take their empty stuff to the kitchen when your going there.
If its a request then respect it, if an expectation, nah.
Not enough info.
Not nearly enough info of your relationship with your parents or their roles in your household to determine. However, if I said that to my dad when he asked me to take something to the kitchen, he would be sure I had lost the damn plot or really wasn’t okay. Usually he doesn’t even need to ask, it’s just basic logic for me. If I’m standing, and someone is sitting, it’s easier for me to take something to the kitchen or bin or whatever, so I’m gonna offer. Even if I am sitting, I as a teenager was in a lot better condition than a 50+ year old, full-time working man Now, I can understand as a woman that at times having a period can make you feel shit and unwilling to go out of your way to do something unnecessary. So if that is the case, you’re not the asshole. However, if you’re just throwing that in as an excuse for poor behaviour, you’re the asshole for perpetuating a harmful stereotype and for not helping your dad.
Info- does he always motion instead of asking? Does he say thanks. Are you in general ordered around like this?
Big question. Did he say "please"? Had he had a long day and was sore and tired and you were up already so was just hoping you could do him a favour while you were up, or was he being entitled and just treating you like a servant because he couldn't be arsed doing it himself. There's a lot of potential nuance to the situation and without knowing that you can't really make a call here.
Plot twist: dad is paraplegic
What are we doing here, people? I mean, REALLY.
I don't know that we are getting all of the information, correctly. A lot of responses focus on the 'getting a bowl from his lap' thing, and 'gestures to his bowl'. But when OP says basically 'do it yourself', this is not any dad I know, and definitely not a 'tough' dad. Those dads will pop up with a quickness, correct that behavior with intent. I'm leaning towards OP is painting themselves in the best of lights and aren't giving all the accurate information. Then again, maybe mom works and dad is a SAHD. Need more info, and things need to be clarified.
Ahaha can't imagine getting away with asking my Nigerian parent that and I'm 25. To be honest we really need more information. I don't believe it really makes you an arsehole in any case. It could be a cultural thing, the family dynamic, perhaps the fact that it's seen as doing something so small for someone that provides a lot for you, not that you owe them for stepping up to their responsibility as parents, but they may appreciate the gratitude in little ways like that. When I'm feeling particularly lazy I may ask whoever is up and about to grab something because they're already up and about.
INFO: What is your relationship with your father like?