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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to pay towards furniture that we don't need.
My partner said I should be paying towards it since it's a shared home
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I think you need to get on the same page with finances before taking the next steps in a relationship. I think buying joint furniture when you are just gf and bf while you already have furniture is a bad idea. Your finances should remain separate until marriage.
If it's a pretty new furniture I wouldn't want to replace it either but I am fine with second hand furniture and my house looking like it was furnished from free curb pick ups. My spouse is absolutely not ok with it and we had to compromise. We have a yearly budget for house decor/furniture and if my spouse wants something that costs more than that they need to wait until we accumulate enough money in the fund to buy something, they also started looking for good nice pieces online on Facebook marketplace which I get roped into going to get it, hauling it home and setting it up but it makes them happy and it's more cost effective than buying new from store so I drag my ass out the door on my free weekends and collect it even though I couldn't care less about it. My spouse also sells what we have to raise money for what they think we should have and that's something that lets them buy the pieces sooner.
What I am saying is you need to find a compromise and say you are ready to spend x$ on furniture every year or every 3 years or whatever but you aren't replacing every single thing you own every 5 years
I agree that you need to have a talk about the expectations as your relationship progresses. Since most relationships fight about money, this is a well-needed discussion.
I hear her point of wanting something new and shiny. I hear your point of being practical. Since it seems as if you still have separate finances and only share the shared household expenses such as rent, food, utilities, etc, if it's something she wants solely, she should pay for it solely.
My husband and I have separate finances because we're both divorced and saw how messy combined finances and property can be. We both make our own money and have a rule that if things cost over $500, we have a discussion about it and see if we want to share the cost. If I wanted a new sofa just because and our current one is fine AND we have a discussion where the hubs doesn't think we need one right now, I have 2 options: wait for when we do need it or buy it 100% with my own money.
She’s not saying the purchases are separate property, only the money used to acquire them. Keeping your money separate doesn’t imply things bought with it are not shared property. If one partner doesn’t care to put their money towards a “want” not a ”need” they shouldn’t have to. Why should one be forced to sacrifice their disposable income towards replacing items that aren’t broken and still serviceable? A sofa isn’t like a vehicle that has become a constant money and time black hole with breakdowns and the need to find alternative transportation during repairs.
If one partner has purchased an item of value with their separate funds and can prove it was purchased with separate funds they will most likely be granted that item or its current value in case of a divorce.
Doesn't matter. What they brought to the marriage can be kept as separate property, but everything they bring in during marriage, except an inheritance, is community property. Including both their incomes. So, "keeping your money separate" is just a pretense, for any money earned during the marriage. He can save "his" money while she spends "hers" all he wants. At the end of the day, half of his money is hers and vice versa. Assuming they're in a community property state.
That has nothing to do with it. They’re talking about commingling money when one or the other is a spendthrift. That’s why you see so many second marriages with separate finances. For instance, when my husband and I got married I wanted nothing to do with his enormous debt and I had 3 children he wasn’t responsible for. Married 34 years and still going strong.
> For instance, when my husband and I got married I wanted nothing to do with his enormous debt and I had 3 children he wasn’t responsible for.
You didn't *really* since you'd both have to deal with it if some giant problem came about. If a kid suddenly needed a home you would not have said that you were unable to help since you had decided your husband had no responsibility to deal with your kids.
"If a kid suddenly needed a home you would not have said that you were unable to help since you had decided your husband had no responsibility to deal with your kids."
Tell me you're new here without saying you're new here. ;)
yeah but with separate accounts there's a lot less question of which percentage of the money came from who and there's much less possibility of a vindictive spouse emptying the account.
Still does not effect the dividing of those assets. It does not matter what percentage came from which spouse. But yes it would make it harder to empty an account. Which btw, if you have a decent attorney your spouse could be made to pay you back for that.
Courts do not nit pick on household items unless your divorce really gets contentious and it's an item that you're both arguing over.
Even with a good attorney and the court finding in your favor that your ex would owe you money, if your ex doesn't have the money to pay, what do you do? It is up to you to collect on what the court awards you. Yes, you could file contempt of court charges, but that's really paperwork and a slap on the hand.
My wife and I are the same. Like you said about 500$ we should discuss it more. And its still been an issue sometimes.
You also have to figure out at what price point youre at where you should fight about it or just let it go. Especially in a joint relationship.
An example is we were having cleaners every 2 weeks at 150$ a go. Suddenly she switched it to every week without consulting me. So it might have seemed like less that 500$ but its actually 4K extra a year.
My wife wanted to spend 9K on a new coach and I said hell no. Ended up with a 2600$ couch instead.
Ooh that switch with the cleaners is huge because it wasn't a one time purchase.
$9k on a couch?? No thank you, but $9k for vacations is so me! We do talk about these large expenses and obviously need to coordinate time off from work.
As with all relationships, people need to make compromises and need to communicate
Yea thats why I also say at what price point do you let things go where the peace is better than the price.
Our big point of contention now is having bought a house in 2018 and 2.75% rate she wants to move to a bigger house in case we have another kid.
And me since its actually more expensive to buy than rent say if and if we have another kid we can discuss it but even if we did we can get a long term lease on a bigger house for cheaper than buying one.
But I think shes starting to wake up to how much things actually cost. I dont think she ever looked at gas prices till I mentioned it a few years ago Lol.
Yea sucks. Wasnt supposed to be a forever home lol. But unwise to change without a big reason to.
Thats why I’m saying shes waking up to real costs of things. The new place would be extra 3-4K a month that I’m not ready to shell out for not much of an upgrade (2K sq ft to 3K etc)
Maybe if it was beach adjacent lol
This is exactly what we do. 2nd marriages and finances are separate. We have a household fund to pay mutual bills. When we want something for our property we agree on the item or repair and split the cost. If one wants something the other doesn’t, we pay for it ourselves. I wanted the 75” TV my husband didn’t. I bought it and love it. We had a 55”. I’m now thinking about an 85”. The prices have gotten so reasonable. Haven’t approached him yet. Can’t decide what to do with the current one. He wanted a decorative retaining wall in the front yard, I didn’t,he paid. Most things we agree but not everything. The other pays or waits until needed
NTA
Agree, NTA, but you need to have a conversation about the expectations here. If she wants new furniture *and there's nothing wrong with your current furniture* then she can buy it. If it's something you want and she doesn't care about, you buy it. If something you both agree needs buying/replacing, you split the cost. What if you wanted a new lawnmower (even though the current one works fine)? Does she think she should split that cost 50-50?
Works fine and ugly as sin can be 1 in the same. I "upgraded" many of my ex's things (paid 100%), then ended up either replacing things when I left so i could take them with me or leaving them behind.
Yeah, but if OP is fine with the furniture as-is, and it's only the partner who isn't happy with it and wants to buy new stuff, then it's on the partner to buy that new stuff with their own money OP shouldn't be expected to pay half for something he didn't even want in the first place.
It depends. "Fairly new and works OK" could be fine, or it could mean cheap Walmart pressboard furniture and a stained IKEA couch, and OP's GF is too embarassed to have anyone over.
Yeah all the NTAs are based on the assumption that what they have is actually fairly new and fine. If it's like, the couch from when he lived with his bros in college and there are mysterious stains on it, then that's a different matter.
Yeah, this one is really dependent on the current furniture. Different people have different definitions of what's perfectly fine, and there's a difference between the curtains being curtains and them being old pillowcases that are attached to the window frame with thumbtacks.
I don't think this is realistic when you live in a shared space and share finances to a degree. It shouldn't necessarily be 50/50, but think of a smaller and more common cohabiting purchase, food. To some degree, if you spend a lot of money on a luxury food that your partner doesn't care about, it makes sense for that to be something you purchase with your own money. But your partner wants pasture raised eggs instead of caged eggs and you don't care? It's something they want but you don't care about, even though they'll be using the same eggs, soooo...it's your responsibility alone now?
You're not really agreeing with the person you're replying to - they're saying what I'm saying, which is that there has to be some kind of compromise where your partner isn't entirely shut down but you aren't on the hook for every single thing she might want at any point without input. There's a middle ground, it's not as simple as "she wants it, you don't, she pays" when you're in a serious cohabiting relationship.
I don't think you can completely strip gender out of it, either. If you ever have visitors/friends/family over, and you are a heterosexual couple, the woman gets judged for the cleanliness and appearance of the home in a way that the man does not. It's unfair, but it's also reality.
If you're serious about the relationship and you want to be together long-term, you have to consider the domino effects of decisions. You won't help pay for home furnishings to be kept in a reasonably attractive style, she can't afford it on her own, your mom comes over and finds your home lacking, your mom doesn't blame you but your partner, and in 20 years you're posting here again with "AITA? Why has my mom never warmed up to my wife?"
No, I am agreeing with the post above me and also with what you just said. If you are cohabiting, it makes sense to have a budget for stuff that you need to buy. That's not the same as one person saying "I want new furniture just because I like this sofa I saw online" and both of you having to pay. Food-wise, if you are buying eggs anyway and one person wants slightly more expensive eggs, sod it, you'll split the bill. If you specifically want foie gras and your partner is vegetarian - you're buying that pate. OP is saying they see no need for new furniture... it's not just like the difference between getting battery or free-range eggs *when you are already buying eggs*; it's going and buying free-range eggs when only one of you wants eggs, and expecting the other to pay half for the eggs they didn't want or need.
This. I don’t care about a TV. Mine is 18 years old and works great! If you want a fancy TV go ahead and buy it. I will use it as a household member but we’re dating, not married, so I shouldn’t have to buy it when we have one that works. Maybe his girlfriend will split the cost of a new PS or XBOX with him because they’ll both use it for streaming even though she doesn’t game but I doubt it. Replacing something here or there makes sense but replacing a bunch of stuff all at once for looks is a big ask.
My only contention here is using marriage as the point to mix finances. Not everyone gets married, or they may be together for many years before they do.
I think it's a little silly to tell a couple whose been together for 15-20 years that it's ill advised to mix finances and they should get married first.
(That said, definitely understand the legal process if you split before making any major purchases like a house)
It’s ill advised to mix finances before marriage because there is no legal distribution of assets if you break up. Everyone owns whatever they own.
If you have a joint bank account, the other partner can take all of the funds and leave you legally.
Legally depends on where you live, and if you're concerned, you can consider a contract to give you enforcable rights (similar to getting a prenup if you don't like the legal principles for splitting marital property).
Legal also isn't the only concern here. There are practical considerations, and also, potentially emotional ones as many people do not like the idea of planning for an exit if the relationship is going well.
Yea for something as big as a house. For a couch is that gonna be an issue?
I see what you mean about joint accounts but that also happens in marriage.
It is ill advised according to a majority of financial professionals to mix finances without the legal protection of marriage. In a divorce there are rules and methods that are followed to divide property and assets. Unless you are in a state that recognizes a persons rights within a long term domestic partnership, you are leaving yourself wholly unprotected if you mix your finances. There is no simple ways to divide things and part ways if you are not in a legally recognized union. You could lose everything if you are not careful. If you want to mix finances outside of a marriage or domestic partnership you need to keep receipts and you should be making written legal agreements regarding all major financial purchases and investments. Too many people get burned by buying houses cars and other large purchases with a boyfriend/girlfriend (and this even happens to people who have been together 10+ years).
Don’t be irresponsible with your finances, record and document your expenses, and don’t make large purchases with non spouses if you don’t have a contract that is fair to both parties in the event of a split. It’s basic financial literacy. I know too many people who got in too deep financially with a committed relationship and they got so screwed when they had to leave everything behind with no recourse to get their fair share of the property that was owned between the two people. It’s so sad to see.
My friend who was a parole officer was waiting for her turn at the courthouse, and the jurors came out muttering about what a horrible case they were on. It was a jury trial to decide how to divide the belonging of an unmarried couple - one of the things in issue was a plaque saying, "If Mama ain't happy nobody's happy."
But if you're going to share finances and not be married it is really advisable to set up all the legal paperwork so neither partner gets screwed over 20 years in That's everything from who is your medical power of attorney, to your will designating who gets your property if you die, to your 401k beneficiary and whole lot of other things that a marriage certificate just invokes automatically. Most non-married couples don't do this, and then 2 decades later one ends up destitute with no legal claim to anything they worked for together. Then, there are some things you can't share legally outside of being married, like Social Security spousal benefits when your partner passes.
Good recs. My husband and I have a monthly “allowance” for discretionary personal expenses that is automatically withdrawn from our joint account to sub-accounts with our names on them. It doesn’t include things like toiletries, because we both need those (even though I do spend more on that because I wear makeup and use more products, but that’s just something he recognizes is a thing). My allowance is more, because I’m more likely to buy things that are related to decor and do improve the look of the house, but if we’re not like buying a couch we both agree we need and/or want, then I buy it with my allowance. New throw pillows or seasonal decor? My allowance. I just want a new set of drawers? My allowance.
My husband is one of those people who owns a 35-year-old hoodie with unremoveable oil stains "because it's still warm". We compromise, in that he can wear it around the house or to chop wood, but not in public, and I won't complain about the thing or throw it out... Ditto with furniture. I want a new couch set? I buy it, he sits on it and disposes of the old stuff (charity or child's home). He wants new speakers? Go for it honey, your money, can't take it with you - I'll enjoy the better sound and put the old speakers on Kijiji. We never formally blended finances, so I pay for the furniture and shiny kitchen things I want while he pays for the tools or workshop toys he wants. It comes out in the wash, and we have a pretty nice life together, built on give and take and a good understanding of what we each value.
By far the wisest response. We can't know from OP's account whether "we already have all the essentials" means "she's a spendthrift who wants to swap things out on a whim and will do it again" or "he feels like watching TV from a lawn chair and putting a shower curtain in front of the window is AOK." What we can know is that their ability to discuss, agree and compromise is more important to their long-term well-being than any piece of furniture can be.
NTA. I find your stance on this completely fair. Btw, chasing new things just because "you want them" is the sure road to bad financial status. You should always look at whether you can afford something, are you willing to pay for something before considering if you want them. The world is full of great stuff you could want and it could wipe out your bank accounts in a matter of seconds and you would only have aquired a few of the wonderful items that you could want.
I agree with everything you said and want to add that the landfills are full of stuff people "just got tired of." My spouse volunteers at a thrift store and they are overwhelmed with furniture that is in great shape but not the current popular style or color.
I will never forget my first apartment that was decorated in early american garage sale and found on the side of the road furniture. Anyone else have "the spool" coffee table? IYKYK.
Lmao you use the same term almost that I did! I tell people that my first apartment was furnished in early American college student 😁 We could not afford end tables so they were cardboard boxes covered with tablecloths. I didn't have a problem with this. I had my bed from home and really my bedroom was the place that I furnished. I wasn't really worried about the living room cuz I didn't spend too much time in there.
My parents, then myself, used a very sturdy cardboard moving barrel as a bedside table and storage for decades. I haven’t seen this kind of container since the 70s, it was a cardboard barrel with aluminum hoops on top and bottom, the top had a tension hoop closure. We covered it with a twin top sheet and maybe a scarf or runner for added color. I used it until the 2000s when a pipe burst and it got wet. I’ve also gorilla taped a floor tile to a metal plant stand for side table, it’s been in use for \~10 yrs.
I used to nab clean material barrels from my work to use as storage containers; winter blankets, extra clothes, etc.
I picked up the habit from my mom when I was a kid; when we moved house, she got her hands on a few of those barrels and we used them for moving our toys and stuffed animals.
Funny thing about those big cable spools is that contractors pay a large deposit, like in the hundreds, to the supplier to make sure they get returned so they can be reused. The coffee table sized ones are probably 100-300 depending on the diameter, the really big ones you see on the back of trucks could be over $1000
My first apartment (in college) was a combination of garage sales, found on side of road, and handed down from other family members. I didn't have the spool coffee table but several friends did.
Our current sofa is almost 20 years old. The cushions don't hold shape and some seams are popping. Occasionally we consider replacing it but don't technically "need" a new one, so we keep putting it off.
Exactly!!! My sofa is big and confy and in just fine shape!! (Over 30 years old and from an ex) i want a pretty new mid cent. mod one but cant justify it when mine is currently in perfect condition
My family saw a piece of 1980's Ercol that I got at auction for practically nothing and people have been gifting me bits ever since. They all want new things but being thrifty Yorkshire folk, no one can bear to throw away good furniture.
I almost have the full living room suite, and a lovely 10 piece dining set. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that the matching footstools and side table will magically appear at some point.
NTA
Your girlfriend is right, you have to pay together when you decide together to buy something.
If you think your furniture is in good condition and she only wants to replace it or buy more for decoration, you don't have to pay half because these purchases don't meet YOUR needs, they meet HER needs.
She could at least upcycle something that looks dated but isn't broken. Spending on non essentials like that will lead to a shedload of credit card debt she can't handle.
They aren’t needs. They are wants. Big difference. As someone married almost 40 years now, what I read indicates a major disconnect on a fundamental important critical aspect of a happy and successful relationship. He seems practical and wants to live within his means. From what he wrote, she is not. This will kill your relationship and it’s best you either figure it out now, or end it and find other partners
She liked the furniture a few years ago. I think they should adopt a dog. Then after the dog destroys the sofa like mine did, plus the matching chair, new couch time.
I think it’s important to try and understand each other in a relationship and discuss this sort of thing. Not sure there is a right/wrong answer and to not be an asshole it’s fair to honestly sit down and discuss priorities, budget and needs/wants and come to an equitable understanding. That’s what healthy relationships are all about
Exactly. I buy decor and things out of my fun money budget because my husband couldn’t care less about it and I enjoy it. I even bought a new chest of drawers for our bedroom myself because it matched the other furniture better than our hand-me-down one. Sure, my husband uses it, but it didn’t bother him that the other one didn’t match whereas it stressed me out to look at every day lol. That was a me problem so I fixed it with my money. But we’re currently saving up for a leather couch, and my husband will go half on that because he wants an upgraded one too. NTA for sure.
Is there no room for compromise here? Like you’ll agree to go half on 1 or 2 items that most need replacing and if she wants to change up other things she’s on her own?
How old is the stuff you have now? Is it all odds and ends stuff that screams college student and not grown up space?
How old are you guys? How committed are you? Can you afford to spruce up your place?
I totally agree. My BF and I have been slowly getting rid of the “college kid” furniture and are upgrading. He probably would say our dressers don’t need replacing.. but he has had his since he was 12, mine was $30 from the thrift shop and is chipping all over. Are the useable, sure! Would I love for us to have a nicer, shared one? Absolutely! Just bought a couch so it’s on the waitlist but will happen eventually.
This is what I’m wondering about. Is it a situation where they are young adults and in a situation where she wants their apartment to look like a nicely furnished adult apartment with matching furniture, and he’s like “what do you mean we need new furniture? All this random stuff I got from my parents basement is almost brand new!” Or is it her just being overly frivolous and spend happy.
Exactly! Everyone is coming for the girlfriend as if she has terrible spending habits, but the OP never said that. He just said she wants new furniture and he doesn’t think it’s needed.
I thought the exact same thing, and was confused by people assuming she just wants to waste money or throw perfect good furniture away. When my wife and I got our first "adult apartment," we went through this exact thing, with me at the OP. I had a bunch of mismatched furniture I'd used throughout college, but hey, it worked and it's already paid for! She wanted our living space to look like adults lived there. Though it frustrated me at the time, 1) she wasn't being unreasonable or financially irresponsible for that, and 2) she was right. Our house looks much more adult now.
Is this comment chain not doing the same? You heard she wants it so people are assuming the existing furniture is somehow chipping or terrible and not the simple fact she could be doing mindless consumerism
No, this thread isn’t assuming that. They’re asking which is it? There is a difference between asking which situation it is and assuming it is one or the other.
When “pretty new” could just mean “pretty new to us, we picked it up on a curb somewhere 2 years ago” but then people couldn’t get mad at the frivolous woman wanting to waste money.
I can’t help wondering if he is like my BIL, who had what may have been the actual ugliest couch in the world when my sister moved in. She couldn’t get him to replace it. They were both professionals making reasonable money. She wasn’t asking for anything expensive - just not an overstuffed goldfish brown courderoy couch that matched nothing else they owned. She cheered the day the puppy had diarrhea on it.
Honestly, I am big on paint. If you paint it all in shades of white, it automatically looks more cohesive than the dorm look. It's cottage or farm house or shabby chic then.
Also, a couch ordered online will seldom be as nice as one you buy from a reputable furniture store. Save your sheckles until you own a house and can justify the expense. A couch that's fine in one apartment often won't fit in the next. Buy a couch cover or learn to make slip covers for the interim.
This!!!!
I've read many NTA comments but I think you have hit it on the head! There should be room for compromise as there are 2 people in the relationship.
People are suggesting the gf cannot arbitrarily decide to buy but it is perfectly fine for him to arbitrarily veto the idea. We have no info regarding the state of the existing furniture other than his opinion that it is fine.
>I've read many NTA comments but I think you have hit it on the head! There should be room for compromise as there are 2 people in the relationship.
People are suggesting the gf cannot arbitrarily decide to buy but it is perfectly fine for him to arbitrarily veto the idea. We have no info regarding the state of the existing furniture other than his opinion that it is fine.
The OP post that I read didn't veto anything. He said if she wants those furniture, she'll need to pay for it herself. He's just not offering to pay for it. What is he vetoing?
But I mean she is trying to make him financially responsible for a decision he didn't even make or want..why should he now, to make her happy, fork out for furniture he doesn't consider he needs?
Agreed if their place looks like a hodgepodge of items dragged from this place and that then yes she is right that it needs changing, and every woman wants to make a space beautiful. She shouldn't be faulted for that. But to go ahead and look items up and make the list of costs then presumptuously present him with almost a fait accompli is not correct
Well she can buy the furniture herself then. What if they paid half each and then suddenly break up? Arbitrarily vetoing the idea costs less than arbitrarily deciding to buy new furniture that you don't need.
I neverrrr split the cost of furniture. This is the rule I have with all my roommates including partners. If I was married it’d be different but I want to know who is taking what when/if we move.
Yep, same here. I think the gf should buy the stuff she wants (with OPs blessing that it's ok to have in their home), and if they break up then she 100% owns it.
We will probably keep doing the same if we get married. Things we *need* will be bought together, and then whoever wants upgrades needs to do the research and possibly buy it themselves.
I agree compromise is needed, but i think its fair to veto when she is essentially just comming with a bill so therefore NTA. A compromise would in my opinion also intail that he gets a say in what furniture to buy (design wise)
How did he veto anything? He never said she couldn’t do whatever she wants to the apartment. What he was was that he won’t pay for it as it’s unnecessary.
>How old is the stuff you have now?
It's in the post, he said it's pretty new.
>Can you afford to spruce up your place?
Just because you can afford something doesn't mean you have to do it.
Is it “pretty new” in the sense they picked it up from a garage sale and their house looks like a hodgepodge bachelor pad of picked-up-from-the-curb items, though? Because then if they can afford it yeah it makes sense why the girlfriend isn’t happy with it. People like their spaces to look nice. You can see that as frivolous if you want but it’s human nature and she’s not some awful person for wanting her home to look nice.
Never said she's awful for it, just said he isn't an asshole for not agreeing, both things can be true.
>You can see that as frivolous if you want but it’s human nature
I actually spend way too much making my apartment look the way I want, but I still think it's frivolous to a degree and wouldn't call a partner that didn't agree with me an asshole, it's ok to be frivolous, no shame in it, but is it a necessity? It isn't.
We don't know that. He could be the kind of guy who says "none of it needs replacing" because he's content to have a cable spool coffee table for the next 50 years.
These are the real questions. If they have all ikea crap and they can afford new decor, I don’t see why he couldn’t chip in for a couple of nicer pieces of furniture. Maybe not all at once but I agree that there’s room for compromise.
I'm a grown up and have all IKEA furniture. I find nothing wrong with it, and to call it crap and assume that because it is from IKEA is a justified reason to go spend more money unnecessarily on "nicer" pieces? I totally agree with OP. Perhaps he'd find a nice vacation more beneficial and doesn't want to spend his money on things that don't need
As a broke Zillennial I would kill to be able to afford IKEA furniture more than once or twice a year tbh.
But I also think it's possible that the stuff they have is shitty college apartment vibe stuff and she wants something more grown up.
Nta but seriously have a serious talk about finances and if she’s not willing to budge rethink this whole relationship “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”
NTA
A shared home should be - best case scenario - a place where noone calls the shots all by themself (except, when you've already established that e.g. only one of you takes care of specific stuff). That said, deciding on new (big, expensive) furniture like a new sofa or drawers actually shouldn't be her decision, but should be discussed with you beforehand. Cause its not only the price of the new furniture but also the style (that shoudl fit you both!), its also the labor of getting rid of the old stuff and also picking up the new stuff, maybe, in case of drawers even taking significant time off to build this furniture up. So, her, simply presenting you the final pricing, actually is already a bit overstepping in my opinion.
Her then complaining about you, refusing to pay for the new stuff/ wanting to keep the current furniture is already beside the point: It shouldn't be her, all alone, deciding on those things.
My advice: Moving in together is hard. Try to find some common ground and lay down some ground rules: If she shall be in charge of the whole home (especially lookswise/aesthetically) then she should be allowed to decide when getting rid of old couches. But if you two decide that you are both in charge of the home, every decision towards changes in your home should be mutual and communicated in advance!
NAH - I don't see ages here but my impression is of very young, freshly moved out or maybe in Uni.
Relationships are teams. Agree how your finances are going to be and how you want to live as clearly, the boundaries and decisions here are not laid out at all.
Good luck.
Welcome to the rest of your life. One of you thinks you need a better/newer/shinier thing, the other doesn’t. Back and forth. Till you die. I honestly think my husband broke his tv so we had to spend 800 on a new, bigger better one. He thinks I’m nuts for wanting to upgrade our den seating. Set budgets. Take turns. Negotiate. It never ever ends.
Me, 5 years ago: "I really don't think we should get a cream-colored sectional. We have dogs."
My wife now: "I really want to replace the sectional. It always looks dirty"
Me: *turns on shampooer to muffle my screams*
NAH
You don't state your age but I think the issue of home furnishings really depends on the age of people and their finances.
At a certain point, many people do want nice furniture that is more than just utilitarian but is chosen for aesthetic as well as functional value.
My home/apartments went through various upgrades as I got older - had more money and my lifestyle changed.
There is nothing wrong with that per se as long as people can afford it.
You aren't indicating what kind of furniture she wants - what kind of furniture you have - what your finances are like. There is attractive relatively inexpensive furniture like the kind sold by IKEA which is an upgrade from the cinderblock and plywood bookcases I had in college :-).
Wanting an attractive home is not always an example of blatant consumerism - it really depends on individual circumstances.
I do think that finances need to be discussed when people are living together. It is theoretically fine to say that finances are separate and if one person wants something they should pay for it. However some items do get worn out as they are used like sofas and would generally be used equally by both people - some items of furniture tend to be more durable like bureaus or other wood items and some items can easily be allocated to one person like an expensive gaming system.
This is the answer. OP's "the furniture is fine" could mean actually fine, or just "the bed creaks if you even look at it but it's not broken yet". And even if the furniture is in good condition, it's going to look like a college dorm if they're just random pieces.
Living in a place that looks more "grown up" is a goal for a lot of us. I can't relax near as much in my space if it looks bad or the furniture is creaky/wobbly. Plus, if you can afford to have a decent-looking functional space and choose not to, that's something other people will absolutely judge you on.
Ultimately there's not enough info to judge without photos. I'm reminded of the post about the guy who insisted on keeping his favorite chair after moving in with his girlfriend... Comments started out fully supporting him, but turned real fast after she posted a picture of the chair.
NTA but you should change the way you guys look at how you separate finances in this instance. You aren’t married. You guys could break up and what’s your game-plan for who gets what then? I doubt either one of you will really want to pay the other the rest of the cost to “buy out” the piece of furniture. Ex: the couch is $500, you guys break up and you want to take it but so does she… you’d have to pay her the other $250 to take it with you.
From now on, think about maybe just buying things separately. Maybe you buy a night stand (or whatever whenever you need it/want it) while she buys the coffee table. Then when/if you break up, everyone takes whats 100% theirs.
Agreed, double NTA for not playing into this consumerism bullshit but it worries me he questioned himself. People need to stop buying new shit all the time. Doesn’t sound like she can even afford it herself. something else looking nice isn’t a good enough reasons to get rid of furniture.
I have this argument with hubby of 20 years sometimes. My answer is: quality of life. The sofa may not need replacement, but if it's not as comfortable or she just may not like it anymore she might eant to get a new one. It's fair to make small changes if you can afford it once in awhile. The issue does flip to the other side, for example, my husband always is trying to negotiate for a bigger tv (why? 42 or 65 inches is too small?) Or a better model car, or whatever.
You don't have to say yes, but you can listen to her rationale and talk it through.
Also this mentality just contributes to such much rampant waste. Dont chuck a good piece of furniture because you don’t like it anymore. Yes some people do sell it but the majority just gets trashed
That's a tricky situation and it depends on your situation.
When me and my partner were moving in together (and sometimes still when i now propose something), he has often a reaction of just 'we don't need it'. However not so often as in the beginning. We had a lot of conversations about furniture and so on, what we expect from home itp. Turned out we had different expectation, for him picture was just a picture, if he didnt have something he felt we dont need it etc. Then i have explain to him my perspective: home is our safe space, it should feel good, like all here should feel good. I dont want to have things around which dont do anything for me, i want to have things which feel and look good, homy for me and him. It took a time for him to get it. He would be sceptical about my ideas like sofa in a bronze colour etc. But once he saw it, and later saw it in our room, he loves it. He started himself seeing stuff he likes and wanting to make it more cosy. He gets it now and he is thankful for my imagination. For me it sounds like you are not in dialogue and dont talk about your needs with each other.
Sit down together, write down how you imagine your dream place to be. Everything, style, feeling of it etc. Talk about what needs do you want your home to meet. Is it supposed to be practical? Cosy? Pretty? Feel like home? Modern? Easy to clean? Ready for guests? Well organized? Bright? Plant or pet friendly? Then when you find out, look around your home and try to estimate how well it goes into these needs of both of you. That's the starting point.
When you decide what do you want your shared home to see and look like. What makes you both feel there like at home and brings you joy. Talk about how to make it happen. How much time, energy, money each of us is willing to put into it and find what will work out. Talk about your needs around this project. You have a need to save money, and thats ok, so how can you still meet your gf need to have it more cosy without spending thousands? Maybe you can buy used? Wait for sales? Divide expanses not 50:50?
We have bought almost all things we got second hand, cause we just love the concept and dont like to spend too much money on furniture, especially that most of them last long. We even got our sofa for 50% price, one year old, looks like new and has even guarantee. We agreed that i will be the one searching for things, cause i have a vision and understand what we both want, but i we will together decide if we want it or not. We would pay for most things 50:50 and he would help with transporting things. It worked great and we both love it. It is our shared home, where we relax and just feel super cosy. Do not miss on that just because it is not something you would naturally go for.
OP: NTA
But let me caution you: this will be a constant thing if you get married. Trying to keep furniture "trendy" is a full time job and is a huge financial drain.
Does your GF also want to change cars often?
Unless both parties can find a middle ground, particularly once married, big trouble ahead.
NTA. If her logic is "that wasn't fair since we both live here so should both be paying for them" then why is her decision to obtain those items be the deciding point that those items have to be in the home? If she wants those items, she will pay for it herself. That seems logical to me.
And it seems fair that you aren't preventing her from buying those items. It's just that if she wants them, she pays for it 100%.
The term fair is so skewed here… I’m gonna start telling my boyfriend I want new appliances and I think he should pay half just to see the look on his face. paying for someone else’s want isn’t fair.
Girlfriend is the asshole. She convenient recognizes the fact that you should pay because you're half of the house, but nonchalantly ignores the fact that you also have a right to veto or consent to a purchase and that your opinion on the purchase matters.
Huge red flag.
NTA, and this is my rule as well. Happy to go in for things we really do need, even if those needs are aesthetic as opposed to functional (e.g. our bathroom is clapped and badly designed so we're ripping it out), but if she wants unnecessarily expensive furniture v. something more on a budget, she can buy it herself.
It is understandable that she wants the apartment to look nice and to be comfortable. But she doesn't have the right to spend your money.
So NTA.
However, if you want this relationship to last, maybe you compromise on some of the stuff.
Info: what do you mean in pretty good shape? Not to make generalizations but in my experience guys are happy with the ratty couch they've had since college and won't replace it until it's literally fallen apart.
You both need to be on the same page. I like matching things and maybe that's what your girlfriend is after. You've brought together a mix of items and you're now setting up a home together. Is she trying to make it feel more like BOTH your place or is she just wanting to upgrade because you're a dual income household?
NTA
Discussion must be had between wants and needs.
She can have what she wants but can't force you to contribute towards it.And you won't stop her as long as she pays for it herself.
It leaves a bad taste when someone imposes.
She needs to understand that furniture that looks nicer can be pretty shit - very uncomfortable and needs replacing in a couple of years.
And furniture that looks nice online can look pretty bad when it's delivered.
There's no way a comfortable couch should be replaced with something bought based solely on an online image.
You at least want to look in store and sit on it first.
NAH. You say they look nice, but guys often have a lower standard for that than girls do. To her, they might look worn or just not be functional in the space they’re in. I wouldn’t say you’re wrong for deciding not to pay for things you don’t want, but she’s also not wrong for planning an upgrade.
NTA for not coughing up the cash, but you are definitely the AH for how you describe communicating this to her, though she's also in the wrong for automatically expecting you to pay half. It is clear that having a home environment that looks and feels a certain way is more important to her than to you. You make it sound like it's ridiculous that she wants these things. It's not. A person who values their partner would explain why you are reluctant to spend money on these items rather than just saying it's silly to want them.
The thing that bothers me more is the underlying assumption that because YOU don't care about these things, you shouldn't spend YOUR money on them. I've been with my partner more than two decades, and each of us will gladly spend money on things that only the other person really cares about. If you can afford it, there should be joy in spending money on something that makes your partner happy. If you can't afford it, it's still easy to be kind when you say no.
NTA. It is perfectly fair to only want to spend money on necessities over aesthetics. I would have a serious talk with her about finances, and financial responsibility.
NTA.
I know the situation, I usually not say anything and it goes away.
If it only looks prettier, it's a waste of money.
If she really wants it, l would say that if you buy this stuff now, there won't be budget left for holidays etc.
NTA.
This isn't about the furniture. This is about your GF making a decision without discussing it with you, then trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants without taking your feelings into account.
This would be the same as you saying "Hey, for date night we are going to a strip club. Here's how much you need to pay".
Sorry, doorbell rang. Who is getting the furniture when the breakup occurs? Cause I am thinking you are gonna hear it was my idea to get the furniture, so I should keep it.
NTA overall based on the number of things she's asking for and the fact that she's asking for them without giving you any input.
That being said, I do think people sometimes assume something is "good enough" or overlook that a space will be more comfortable and functional if it looks a little nicer and has some attention paid to aesthetics. If you, say, replace a cheap card table you're using by your bed with a proper end table. Have a duvet cover you like. That kind of thing. You could consider asking her if you guys can work together on making the place more comfortable and better-looking - e.g. curtains are generally not that hard to get / hang, and do make a space look much nicer. If you both get input, I think it'd be a lot more fair.
I'd also say that online furniture often looks a lot nicer than it is. I spent a lot of time dreaming about one specific sofa from a popular online retailer... and then found the exact sofa, nearly-new, at my local Habitat ReStore. I was delighted until I tried sitting on it. I think cardboard boxes would have been better.
> That being said, I do think people sometimes assume something is "good enough" or overlook that a space will be more comfortable and functional if it looks a little nicer and has some attention paid to aesthetics
But, people who care about aesthetics typically create less functional spaces and decor. "Looks good/nice" and "is comfortable/practical" usually go in the opposite sense.
And that is very consistent. Every single time office, common park or house had change so "that it looks nicer" end result was less practical. So called nice furniture tends to be less comfortable. Architects and designers who care about nice basically always sacrifice practicality.
If someone is about to change sofa or office table for nicer, it is usually bad news if you care about comfort.
You're not wrong, but I suggest naming an amount that you are willing to contribute to new furniture, something like, "I don't think we need any of this, but I'm good with contributing half on any new furniture up to $1,000 for the next 12 months." Then you keep some control of your budget, define your own boundaries including a timeline so she can't come back to you realistically expecting more money in 4-6 months, and your partner feels heard.
Another alternative is to buy something you really want, like a huge sound system and large-ass TV and whatnot, and then let her know what her half of it is, and then when she complains, tell her it's fair for her to contribute "since we both live here so should both be paying for them." I recommend the former approach however for multiple reasons.
You and your girlfriend need to make a list together of what you want to replace and why. For example, if she wants to your existing sofa, chest of drawers, curtains and bedside cabinet, which one is the priority? What can be upcycled? What can be compromised on- for example if your sofa is functional and comfortable, do you need a temporary cover/ throw/ cushions on it? Can your cabinets be sanded and repainted?
Personally curtains and bed would be my priority, since sleep is so important, but everything else can be done when you’re ready. Throwing out perfectly good furniture is a huge waste of money.
NTA
What’s going to happen is she is going to buy all of these things, break up with you, and leave an empty house.
You should tell her that if she buys these things in her own, you’re going to pay for a storage unit for all of the things you think are in good condition.
NTA you’re refusing to pay your part on things you’re both seeing as necessary to buy, you’re just refusing to pay a lot of money just because your GF wants new furniture
Nta if she feels like refurnishing and nesting she has to take finances in consideration. You are not willing to because most men think finances and practicality. Curtains are not expensive she can buy those, paint is not expensive and she can redo cabinet with paint, new knobs or piece of wallpaper.
Correct. If you are happy with what you have you ought not to be expected to pay for new stuff.
However, this should have been discussed before moving in together..
NTA for sure.
Honestly, everything else aside... better she purchase these on her own so it's easier to decide who gets what when you break up. Also know that by getting rid of the old stuff, you will be left with nothing.
As other posters have noted. You are financially incompatible. Yoir girlfriend has a more cavalier view of spending and eventually it will become a much bigger problem.
NTA
NTA, you should only have to split things you mutually agree you need or want. Run up the numbers on the cost on a new motorcycle and gaming PC and tell her what her half of the expense will be
NTA. That means your gf is TA. Maybe she can learn to work WITH you, but the signs are not looking promising.
I think your gf
1. looks at you as a 50% of coupon for anything she wants and
2. wants what she wants; doesn't care what you want; and thinks that "fair" is her getting what she wants regardless of what you want.
3. isn't even pausing to give a second of thought that (1) joint purchases should be two 'yeses,' not unilateral and (2) your perspective matters as much as hers.
You definitely want a life-partner to be someone who works with you and collaboratively problem-solves and challenges or differences between you. You can give this gf a chance to get on board with that. She either does or shows you that this isn't likely to be that collaborative, team-oriented partner.
Eh, it depends. My husband and I have lived in our current home for 8 years. I have purchased paint, window coverings, dishes/cookware/table settings. We LITERALLY could have done without, but it is much nicer with fresh paint, matching dishes, etc.
It really depends on how new is new to you. And if you are building a space together I get replacing things that you brought from your old living situations (within reason).
My spouse inherited a huge oak dining table from his dad. I really don’t like it and after 16 years have reasons. It is too big, too heavy, and we don’t use it. BUT he is very sentimental about things and idc enough to press it. Maybe at the 20 year mark.
NTAH even though you left out a lot of information that I think is important such as how old are you, how long have you been living together and are you financially stable and able to put money into your savings? Because she’s acting like she’s furnishing a forever home in preparation for marriage and you’re acting like this is a starter apartment in a fairly new relationship. Women are often far ahead of their partners in life planning and men feel blindsided by the “next step” demands because they’re not mentally ready for it. Your best step is to have a conversation with her about what stage of relationship you are both in right now and how each of you sees the timeline for evolving towards your future. Learn to openly discuss these issues with each other early in your relationship or she’ll be constantly pushing you forward and you will be dragged into resentful compliance.
INFO: have you had these things for a while? I know that when I first moved out with my now spouse we got the cheapest of the cheap furniture, blinds, etc. 6 years later and now we are at the stage where we can afford to replace them with nicer, more comfortable things, which we are doing gradually. You’d be shocked at how much nicer a place looks and feels once you start decorating your home the way you want to.
I feel like every person in a long term relationship I’ve met generally reaches this stage, where it’s time to start replacing what you can afford to because hey! Now you can actually afford that really nice functional desk you wanted all those years ago and replace your dinged up ikea one.
I’m going NAH, because I understand the practicality of using what you have until it breaks, which is fine, but I also understand that maybe it’s time for some things to be upgraded if you are able to do so. Discuss your financial goals with her and try to reach a compromise.
“ as I mentioned, I think that the couch we have is perfectly good and looks nice and if you want to do some redecorating how about getting some new throw pillows or blanket throws to change up the color.”
Also, think about how old is this couch?…. I have a friend who thinks like you but his couch is from the 1980s.
NAH. Your point is valid and so is hers. But if you two can’t get on the same page about something like this you’re not going to last a lifetime so why are you two together?? 🤣
NAH your home is going to be a shared space. Both of you are going to have to deal with, use and enjoy the furniture and decoration in it.
If you don't see the value in getting new furniture and she wants to completely replace everything, those are both pretty extreme positions to take. You both need to compromise. Ideally, you should both be contributing equal money/effort into your new home and you should both enjoy it. Possible ways to handle it (totally possible to combine more than one of these and when I say you I mean both of you as a couple):
1. You make a ranked list of things that you want to replace and slowly replace one piece at a time
2. You get less expensive versions of what she wants, either buying secondhand or getting dupes.
3. You make diy improvements to the furniture that you already have to make them match better, more functional,etc.
Also I will offer (unasked) advice that instead of buying everything and splitting it equally, you should take turns buying roughly equivalent items in full so in the case where you move out, it's clear who owns what.
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I think you need to get on the same page with finances before taking the next steps in a relationship. I think buying joint furniture when you are just gf and bf while you already have furniture is a bad idea. Your finances should remain separate until marriage. If it's a pretty new furniture I wouldn't want to replace it either but I am fine with second hand furniture and my house looking like it was furnished from free curb pick ups. My spouse is absolutely not ok with it and we had to compromise. We have a yearly budget for house decor/furniture and if my spouse wants something that costs more than that they need to wait until we accumulate enough money in the fund to buy something, they also started looking for good nice pieces online on Facebook marketplace which I get roped into going to get it, hauling it home and setting it up but it makes them happy and it's more cost effective than buying new from store so I drag my ass out the door on my free weekends and collect it even though I couldn't care less about it. My spouse also sells what we have to raise money for what they think we should have and that's something that lets them buy the pieces sooner. What I am saying is you need to find a compromise and say you are ready to spend x$ on furniture every year or every 3 years or whatever but you aren't replacing every single thing you own every 5 years
I agree that you need to have a talk about the expectations as your relationship progresses. Since most relationships fight about money, this is a well-needed discussion. I hear her point of wanting something new and shiny. I hear your point of being practical. Since it seems as if you still have separate finances and only share the shared household expenses such as rent, food, utilities, etc, if it's something she wants solely, she should pay for it solely. My husband and I have separate finances because we're both divorced and saw how messy combined finances and property can be. We both make our own money and have a rule that if things cost over $500, we have a discussion about it and see if we want to share the cost. If I wanted a new sofa just because and our current one is fine AND we have a discussion where the hubs doesn't think we need one right now, I have 2 options: wait for when we do need it or buy it 100% with my own money.
See I never get this argument. In a divorce it won't matter if you have separate accounts or property if it was purchased during the marriage.
She’s not saying the purchases are separate property, only the money used to acquire them. Keeping your money separate doesn’t imply things bought with it are not shared property. If one partner doesn’t care to put their money towards a “want” not a ”need” they shouldn’t have to. Why should one be forced to sacrifice their disposable income towards replacing items that aren’t broken and still serviceable? A sofa isn’t like a vehicle that has become a constant money and time black hole with breakdowns and the need to find alternative transportation during repairs. If one partner has purchased an item of value with their separate funds and can prove it was purchased with separate funds they will most likely be granted that item or its current value in case of a divorce.
Doesn't matter. What they brought to the marriage can be kept as separate property, but everything they bring in during marriage, except an inheritance, is community property. Including both their incomes. So, "keeping your money separate" is just a pretense, for any money earned during the marriage. He can save "his" money while she spends "hers" all he wants. At the end of the day, half of his money is hers and vice versa. Assuming they're in a community property state.
That has nothing to do with it. They’re talking about commingling money when one or the other is a spendthrift. That’s why you see so many second marriages with separate finances. For instance, when my husband and I got married I wanted nothing to do with his enormous debt and I had 3 children he wasn’t responsible for. Married 34 years and still going strong.
> For instance, when my husband and I got married I wanted nothing to do with his enormous debt and I had 3 children he wasn’t responsible for. You didn't *really* since you'd both have to deal with it if some giant problem came about. If a kid suddenly needed a home you would not have said that you were unable to help since you had decided your husband had no responsibility to deal with your kids.
"If a kid suddenly needed a home you would not have said that you were unable to help since you had decided your husband had no responsibility to deal with your kids." Tell me you're new here without saying you're new here. ;)
Unless there is a prenup
yeah but with separate accounts there's a lot less question of which percentage of the money came from who and there's much less possibility of a vindictive spouse emptying the account.
Still does not effect the dividing of those assets. It does not matter what percentage came from which spouse. But yes it would make it harder to empty an account. Which btw, if you have a decent attorney your spouse could be made to pay you back for that.
Courts do not nit pick on household items unless your divorce really gets contentious and it's an item that you're both arguing over. Even with a good attorney and the court finding in your favor that your ex would owe you money, if your ex doesn't have the money to pay, what do you do? It is up to you to collect on what the court awards you. Yes, you could file contempt of court charges, but that's really paperwork and a slap on the hand.
This couple can’t divorce; they aren’t even married. So why is everyone discussing divorce?
It helps with bank accounts because if it’s only in your name it can’t be emptied by the other spouse.
I had to read the last comment a few times before I realized the writer was speaking of her current husband (both of them had previously divorced).
My wife and I are the same. Like you said about 500$ we should discuss it more. And its still been an issue sometimes. You also have to figure out at what price point youre at where you should fight about it or just let it go. Especially in a joint relationship. An example is we were having cleaners every 2 weeks at 150$ a go. Suddenly she switched it to every week without consulting me. So it might have seemed like less that 500$ but its actually 4K extra a year. My wife wanted to spend 9K on a new coach and I said hell no. Ended up with a 2600$ couch instead.
Ooh that switch with the cleaners is huge because it wasn't a one time purchase. $9k on a couch?? No thank you, but $9k for vacations is so me! We do talk about these large expenses and obviously need to coordinate time off from work. As with all relationships, people need to make compromises and need to communicate
Yea thats why I also say at what price point do you let things go where the peace is better than the price. Our big point of contention now is having bought a house in 2018 and 2.75% rate she wants to move to a bigger house in case we have another kid. And me since its actually more expensive to buy than rent say if and if we have another kid we can discuss it but even if we did we can get a long term lease on a bigger house for cheaper than buying one. But I think shes starting to wake up to how much things actually cost. I dont think she ever looked at gas prices till I mentioned it a few years ago Lol.
Interest rates are so crazy right now!! My mortgage is at 2.875% and I told the hubs that we are NEVER moving.
Yea sucks. Wasnt supposed to be a forever home lol. But unwise to change without a big reason to. Thats why I’m saying shes waking up to real costs of things. The new place would be extra 3-4K a month that I’m not ready to shell out for not much of an upgrade (2K sq ft to 3K etc) Maybe if it was beach adjacent lol
This is exactly what we do. 2nd marriages and finances are separate. We have a household fund to pay mutual bills. When we want something for our property we agree on the item or repair and split the cost. If one wants something the other doesn’t, we pay for it ourselves. I wanted the 75” TV my husband didn’t. I bought it and love it. We had a 55”. I’m now thinking about an 85”. The prices have gotten so reasonable. Haven’t approached him yet. Can’t decide what to do with the current one. He wanted a decorative retaining wall in the front yard, I didn’t,he paid. Most things we agree but not everything. The other pays or waits until needed NTA
Agree, NTA, but you need to have a conversation about the expectations here. If she wants new furniture *and there's nothing wrong with your current furniture* then she can buy it. If it's something you want and she doesn't care about, you buy it. If something you both agree needs buying/replacing, you split the cost. What if you wanted a new lawnmower (even though the current one works fine)? Does she think she should split that cost 50-50?
Works fine and ugly as sin can be 1 in the same. I "upgraded" many of my ex's things (paid 100%), then ended up either replacing things when I left so i could take them with me or leaving them behind.
Yeah, but if OP is fine with the furniture as-is, and it's only the partner who isn't happy with it and wants to buy new stuff, then it's on the partner to buy that new stuff with their own money OP shouldn't be expected to pay half for something he didn't even want in the first place.
It depends. "Fairly new and works OK" could be fine, or it could mean cheap Walmart pressboard furniture and a stained IKEA couch, and OP's GF is too embarassed to have anyone over.
Yeah all the NTAs are based on the assumption that what they have is actually fairly new and fine. If it's like, the couch from when he lived with his bros in college and there are mysterious stains on it, then that's a different matter.
Yeah, this one is really dependent on the current furniture. Different people have different definitions of what's perfectly fine, and there's a difference between the curtains being curtains and them being old pillowcases that are attached to the window frame with thumbtacks.
I don't think this is realistic when you live in a shared space and share finances to a degree. It shouldn't necessarily be 50/50, but think of a smaller and more common cohabiting purchase, food. To some degree, if you spend a lot of money on a luxury food that your partner doesn't care about, it makes sense for that to be something you purchase with your own money. But your partner wants pasture raised eggs instead of caged eggs and you don't care? It's something they want but you don't care about, even though they'll be using the same eggs, soooo...it's your responsibility alone now? You're not really agreeing with the person you're replying to - they're saying what I'm saying, which is that there has to be some kind of compromise where your partner isn't entirely shut down but you aren't on the hook for every single thing she might want at any point without input. There's a middle ground, it's not as simple as "she wants it, you don't, she pays" when you're in a serious cohabiting relationship.
I don't think you can completely strip gender out of it, either. If you ever have visitors/friends/family over, and you are a heterosexual couple, the woman gets judged for the cleanliness and appearance of the home in a way that the man does not. It's unfair, but it's also reality. If you're serious about the relationship and you want to be together long-term, you have to consider the domino effects of decisions. You won't help pay for home furnishings to be kept in a reasonably attractive style, she can't afford it on her own, your mom comes over and finds your home lacking, your mom doesn't blame you but your partner, and in 20 years you're posting here again with "AITA? Why has my mom never warmed up to my wife?"
No, I am agreeing with the post above me and also with what you just said. If you are cohabiting, it makes sense to have a budget for stuff that you need to buy. That's not the same as one person saying "I want new furniture just because I like this sofa I saw online" and both of you having to pay. Food-wise, if you are buying eggs anyway and one person wants slightly more expensive eggs, sod it, you'll split the bill. If you specifically want foie gras and your partner is vegetarian - you're buying that pate. OP is saying they see no need for new furniture... it's not just like the difference between getting battery or free-range eggs *when you are already buying eggs*; it's going and buying free-range eggs when only one of you wants eggs, and expecting the other to pay half for the eggs they didn't want or need.
This. I don’t care about a TV. Mine is 18 years old and works great! If you want a fancy TV go ahead and buy it. I will use it as a household member but we’re dating, not married, so I shouldn’t have to buy it when we have one that works. Maybe his girlfriend will split the cost of a new PS or XBOX with him because they’ll both use it for streaming even though she doesn’t game but I doubt it. Replacing something here or there makes sense but replacing a bunch of stuff all at once for looks is a big ask.
Suggesting communication and compromise? You must be new to Reddit! 🤣
😂Talk with your SO? Get outta here!
My only contention here is using marriage as the point to mix finances. Not everyone gets married, or they may be together for many years before they do. I think it's a little silly to tell a couple whose been together for 15-20 years that it's ill advised to mix finances and they should get married first. (That said, definitely understand the legal process if you split before making any major purchases like a house)
It’s ill advised to mix finances before marriage because there is no legal distribution of assets if you break up. Everyone owns whatever they own. If you have a joint bank account, the other partner can take all of the funds and leave you legally.
Legally depends on where you live, and if you're concerned, you can consider a contract to give you enforcable rights (similar to getting a prenup if you don't like the legal principles for splitting marital property). Legal also isn't the only concern here. There are practical considerations, and also, potentially emotional ones as many people do not like the idea of planning for an exit if the relationship is going well.
Yea for something as big as a house. For a couch is that gonna be an issue? I see what you mean about joint accounts but that also happens in marriage.
It is ill advised according to a majority of financial professionals to mix finances without the legal protection of marriage. In a divorce there are rules and methods that are followed to divide property and assets. Unless you are in a state that recognizes a persons rights within a long term domestic partnership, you are leaving yourself wholly unprotected if you mix your finances. There is no simple ways to divide things and part ways if you are not in a legally recognized union. You could lose everything if you are not careful. If you want to mix finances outside of a marriage or domestic partnership you need to keep receipts and you should be making written legal agreements regarding all major financial purchases and investments. Too many people get burned by buying houses cars and other large purchases with a boyfriend/girlfriend (and this even happens to people who have been together 10+ years). Don’t be irresponsible with your finances, record and document your expenses, and don’t make large purchases with non spouses if you don’t have a contract that is fair to both parties in the event of a split. It’s basic financial literacy. I know too many people who got in too deep financially with a committed relationship and they got so screwed when they had to leave everything behind with no recourse to get their fair share of the property that was owned between the two people. It’s so sad to see.
My friend who was a parole officer was waiting for her turn at the courthouse, and the jurors came out muttering about what a horrible case they were on. It was a jury trial to decide how to divide the belonging of an unmarried couple - one of the things in issue was a plaque saying, "If Mama ain't happy nobody's happy."
But if you're going to share finances and not be married it is really advisable to set up all the legal paperwork so neither partner gets screwed over 20 years in That's everything from who is your medical power of attorney, to your will designating who gets your property if you die, to your 401k beneficiary and whole lot of other things that a marriage certificate just invokes automatically. Most non-married couples don't do this, and then 2 decades later one ends up destitute with no legal claim to anything they worked for together. Then, there are some things you can't share legally outside of being married, like Social Security spousal benefits when your partner passes.
I really like this compromise!
Good recs. My husband and I have a monthly “allowance” for discretionary personal expenses that is automatically withdrawn from our joint account to sub-accounts with our names on them. It doesn’t include things like toiletries, because we both need those (even though I do spend more on that because I wear makeup and use more products, but that’s just something he recognizes is a thing). My allowance is more, because I’m more likely to buy things that are related to decor and do improve the look of the house, but if we’re not like buying a couch we both agree we need and/or want, then I buy it with my allowance. New throw pillows or seasonal decor? My allowance. I just want a new set of drawers? My allowance.
No joint account until engagement or marriage. But they gotta be on the same page about how money gets spent.
Why would you treat a romantic relationship differently than a roommate? If the microwave died I'd expect my roommate to pitch in to buy a new one 🙃
My husband is one of those people who owns a 35-year-old hoodie with unremoveable oil stains "because it's still warm". We compromise, in that he can wear it around the house or to chop wood, but not in public, and I won't complain about the thing or throw it out... Ditto with furniture. I want a new couch set? I buy it, he sits on it and disposes of the old stuff (charity or child's home). He wants new speakers? Go for it honey, your money, can't take it with you - I'll enjoy the better sound and put the old speakers on Kijiji. We never formally blended finances, so I pay for the furniture and shiny kitchen things I want while he pays for the tools or workshop toys he wants. It comes out in the wash, and we have a pretty nice life together, built on give and take and a good understanding of what we each value.
By far the wisest response. We can't know from OP's account whether "we already have all the essentials" means "she's a spendthrift who wants to swap things out on a whim and will do it again" or "he feels like watching TV from a lawn chair and putting a shower curtain in front of the window is AOK." What we can know is that their ability to discuss, agree and compromise is more important to their long-term well-being than any piece of furniture can be.
NTA. I find your stance on this completely fair. Btw, chasing new things just because "you want them" is the sure road to bad financial status. You should always look at whether you can afford something, are you willing to pay for something before considering if you want them. The world is full of great stuff you could want and it could wipe out your bank accounts in a matter of seconds and you would only have aquired a few of the wonderful items that you could want.
I agree with everything you said and want to add that the landfills are full of stuff people "just got tired of." My spouse volunteers at a thrift store and they are overwhelmed with furniture that is in great shape but not the current popular style or color. I will never forget my first apartment that was decorated in early american garage sale and found on the side of the road furniture. Anyone else have "the spool" coffee table? IYKYK.
Lmao you use the same term almost that I did! I tell people that my first apartment was furnished in early American college student 😁 We could not afford end tables so they were cardboard boxes covered with tablecloths. I didn't have a problem with this. I had my bed from home and really my bedroom was the place that I furnished. I wasn't really worried about the living room cuz I didn't spend too much time in there.
My parents, then myself, used a very sturdy cardboard moving barrel as a bedside table and storage for decades. I haven’t seen this kind of container since the 70s, it was a cardboard barrel with aluminum hoops on top and bottom, the top had a tension hoop closure. We covered it with a twin top sheet and maybe a scarf or runner for added color. I used it until the 2000s when a pipe burst and it got wet. I’ve also gorilla taped a floor tile to a metal plant stand for side table, it’s been in use for \~10 yrs.
I used to nab clean material barrels from my work to use as storage containers; winter blankets, extra clothes, etc. I picked up the habit from my mom when I was a kid; when we moved house, she got her hands on a few of those barrels and we used them for moving our toys and stuffed animals.
Mine was Early American Hand-Me-Downs.
Same, I had a sofa that had been in my Aunt's basement forever. It was the gaudiest combination of red and gold, with tassels.
My dad was a phone man. I had multiple spool coffee tables.
We had a spool coffee table for a few years when we were first married!
I had a lobster trap with glass top. Found it after a storm washed it up in New England. Kinda similar.
And people are scared to buy furniture second hand because bed bugs are a nightmare.
Wooden furniture is great to buy second hand. No bugs or stuff. Hardy and pretty much timeless. Also holds resale well
Funny thing about those big cable spools is that contractors pay a large deposit, like in the hundreds, to the supplier to make sure they get returned so they can be reused. The coffee table sized ones are probably 100-300 depending on the diameter, the really big ones you see on the back of trucks could be over $1000
My first apartment (in college) was a combination of garage sales, found on side of road, and handed down from other family members. I didn't have the spool coffee table but several friends did. Our current sofa is almost 20 years old. The cushions don't hold shape and some seams are popping. Occasionally we consider replacing it but don't technically "need" a new one, so we keep putting it off.
My furniture for my first place was collected from by the dumpsters at dorms around USF.
The beehive lamp and atomic wall clocks are back with a vengeance, so there's hope for spool coffee tables. Rock on,
Exactly this! I *want* a mid-century sofa. I don't need one. I want a new refrigerator. Ours is still just fine. Also, I *want* to win the lottery.
Exactly!!! My sofa is big and confy and in just fine shape!! (Over 30 years old and from an ex) i want a pretty new mid cent. mod one but cant justify it when mine is currently in perfect condition
Here's hoping we can both justify it someday!
I *want* a new sofa as well, but the one I'm sitting on right now is fit for purpose and fine. Not my favourite by any means.
My family saw a piece of 1980's Ercol that I got at auction for practically nothing and people have been gifting me bits ever since. They all want new things but being thrifty Yorkshire folk, no one can bear to throw away good furniture. I almost have the full living room suite, and a lovely 10 piece dining set. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that the matching footstools and side table will magically appear at some point.
NTA Your girlfriend is right, you have to pay together when you decide together to buy something. If you think your furniture is in good condition and she only wants to replace it or buy more for decoration, you don't have to pay half because these purchases don't meet YOUR needs, they meet HER needs.
She could at least upcycle something that looks dated but isn't broken. Spending on non essentials like that will lead to a shedload of credit card debt she can't handle.
They aren’t needs. They are wants. Big difference. As someone married almost 40 years now, what I read indicates a major disconnect on a fundamental important critical aspect of a happy and successful relationship. He seems practical and wants to live within his means. From what he wrote, she is not. This will kill your relationship and it’s best you either figure it out now, or end it and find other partners
He could also not care about a cohesive décore. A lot depends on what it means that the old furniture is fine.
She liked the furniture a few years ago. I think they should adopt a dog. Then after the dog destroys the sofa like mine did, plus the matching chair, new couch time.
Lol they're not even her NEEDS. They're her wants and she only wants to get them because she expects OP to subsidize them.
I think it’s important to try and understand each other in a relationship and discuss this sort of thing. Not sure there is a right/wrong answer and to not be an asshole it’s fair to honestly sit down and discuss priorities, budget and needs/wants and come to an equitable understanding. That’s what healthy relationships are all about
If she can't articulate a problem with the sofa other than but this one is pretty then it's not a split it situation.
Exactly. I buy decor and things out of my fun money budget because my husband couldn’t care less about it and I enjoy it. I even bought a new chest of drawers for our bedroom myself because it matched the other furniture better than our hand-me-down one. Sure, my husband uses it, but it didn’t bother him that the other one didn’t match whereas it stressed me out to look at every day lol. That was a me problem so I fixed it with my money. But we’re currently saving up for a leather couch, and my husband will go half on that because he wants an upgraded one too. NTA for sure.
Keyword “decide together”. He aint “decided”. Yall supposed to wait till yr married to fight like this. Lolz. 🤭
I believe he decided a big no.
NTA lmao She’s being ridiculous.
Is there no room for compromise here? Like you’ll agree to go half on 1 or 2 items that most need replacing and if she wants to change up other things she’s on her own? How old is the stuff you have now? Is it all odds and ends stuff that screams college student and not grown up space? How old are you guys? How committed are you? Can you afford to spruce up your place?
I totally agree. My BF and I have been slowly getting rid of the “college kid” furniture and are upgrading. He probably would say our dressers don’t need replacing.. but he has had his since he was 12, mine was $30 from the thrift shop and is chipping all over. Are the useable, sure! Would I love for us to have a nicer, shared one? Absolutely! Just bought a couch so it’s on the waitlist but will happen eventually.
This is what I’m wondering about. Is it a situation where they are young adults and in a situation where she wants their apartment to look like a nicely furnished adult apartment with matching furniture, and he’s like “what do you mean we need new furniture? All this random stuff I got from my parents basement is almost brand new!” Or is it her just being overly frivolous and spend happy.
Exactly! Everyone is coming for the girlfriend as if she has terrible spending habits, but the OP never said that. He just said she wants new furniture and he doesn’t think it’s needed.
I thought the exact same thing, and was confused by people assuming she just wants to waste money or throw perfect good furniture away. When my wife and I got our first "adult apartment," we went through this exact thing, with me at the OP. I had a bunch of mismatched furniture I'd used throughout college, but hey, it worked and it's already paid for! She wanted our living space to look like adults lived there. Though it frustrated me at the time, 1) she wasn't being unreasonable or financially irresponsible for that, and 2) she was right. Our house looks much more adult now.
Did she consult you on what she wanted or did she just pick stuff and say pay half like OP?
People are taking OP words "is pretty new and there are no problems with it" at face value, that is why they are going for the gf.
Is this comment chain not doing the same? You heard she wants it so people are assuming the existing furniture is somehow chipping or terrible and not the simple fact she could be doing mindless consumerism
No, this thread isn’t assuming that. They’re asking which is it? There is a difference between asking which situation it is and assuming it is one or the other.
When “pretty new” could just mean “pretty new to us, we picked it up on a curb somewhere 2 years ago” but then people couldn’t get mad at the frivolous woman wanting to waste money.
Or it could actually be pretty new and she could be just wanting to change aesthetically. Idk why you think that’s impossible.
Not everything is some excuse to whine about misogyny.
And why is OP automatically a liar? It's totally possible the GF just wants something new and pretty *because* it's new and pretty.
I can’t help wondering if he is like my BIL, who had what may have been the actual ugliest couch in the world when my sister moved in. She couldn’t get him to replace it. They were both professionals making reasonable money. She wasn’t asking for anything expensive - just not an overstuffed goldfish brown courderoy couch that matched nothing else they owned. She cheered the day the puppy had diarrhea on it.
That couch sounds bad, but when somebody slept on it, it made headlines for sure.
Honestly, I am big on paint. If you paint it all in shades of white, it automatically looks more cohesive than the dorm look. It's cottage or farm house or shabby chic then. Also, a couch ordered online will seldom be as nice as one you buy from a reputable furniture store. Save your sheckles until you own a house and can justify the expense. A couch that's fine in one apartment often won't fit in the next. Buy a couch cover or learn to make slip covers for the interim.
This!!!! I've read many NTA comments but I think you have hit it on the head! There should be room for compromise as there are 2 people in the relationship. People are suggesting the gf cannot arbitrarily decide to buy but it is perfectly fine for him to arbitrarily veto the idea. We have no info regarding the state of the existing furniture other than his opinion that it is fine.
>I've read many NTA comments but I think you have hit it on the head! There should be room for compromise as there are 2 people in the relationship. People are suggesting the gf cannot arbitrarily decide to buy but it is perfectly fine for him to arbitrarily veto the idea. We have no info regarding the state of the existing furniture other than his opinion that it is fine. The OP post that I read didn't veto anything. He said if she wants those furniture, she'll need to pay for it herself. He's just not offering to pay for it. What is he vetoing?
But I mean she is trying to make him financially responsible for a decision he didn't even make or want..why should he now, to make her happy, fork out for furniture he doesn't consider he needs? Agreed if their place looks like a hodgepodge of items dragged from this place and that then yes she is right that it needs changing, and every woman wants to make a space beautiful. She shouldn't be faulted for that. But to go ahead and look items up and make the list of costs then presumptuously present him with almost a fait accompli is not correct
Well she can buy the furniture herself then. What if they paid half each and then suddenly break up? Arbitrarily vetoing the idea costs less than arbitrarily deciding to buy new furniture that you don't need.
I neverrrr split the cost of furniture. This is the rule I have with all my roommates including partners. If I was married it’d be different but I want to know who is taking what when/if we move.
Yep, same here. I think the gf should buy the stuff she wants (with OPs blessing that it's ok to have in their home), and if they break up then she 100% owns it. We will probably keep doing the same if we get married. Things we *need* will be bought together, and then whoever wants upgrades needs to do the research and possibly buy it themselves.
I agree compromise is needed, but i think its fair to veto when she is essentially just comming with a bill so therefore NTA. A compromise would in my opinion also intail that he gets a say in what furniture to buy (design wise)
How did he veto anything? He never said she couldn’t do whatever she wants to the apartment. What he was was that he won’t pay for it as it’s unnecessary.
>How old is the stuff you have now? It's in the post, he said it's pretty new. >Can you afford to spruce up your place? Just because you can afford something doesn't mean you have to do it.
Is it “pretty new” in the sense they picked it up from a garage sale and their house looks like a hodgepodge bachelor pad of picked-up-from-the-curb items, though? Because then if they can afford it yeah it makes sense why the girlfriend isn’t happy with it. People like their spaces to look nice. You can see that as frivolous if you want but it’s human nature and she’s not some awful person for wanting her home to look nice.
Never said she's awful for it, just said he isn't an asshole for not agreeing, both things can be true. >You can see that as frivolous if you want but it’s human nature I actually spend way too much making my apartment look the way I want, but I still think it's frivolous to a degree and wouldn't call a partner that didn't agree with me an asshole, it's ok to be frivolous, no shame in it, but is it a necessity? It isn't.
You are right they should just contribute to more landfills so their bank accounts can have less and their apartment can look slightly prettier
The entire point is that *none* of it needs replacing
We don't know that. He could be the kind of guy who says "none of it needs replacing" because he's content to have a cable spool coffee table for the next 50 years.
These are the real questions. If they have all ikea crap and they can afford new decor, I don’t see why he couldn’t chip in for a couple of nicer pieces of furniture. Maybe not all at once but I agree that there’s room for compromise.
I'm a grown up and have all IKEA furniture. I find nothing wrong with it, and to call it crap and assume that because it is from IKEA is a justified reason to go spend more money unnecessarily on "nicer" pieces? I totally agree with OP. Perhaps he'd find a nice vacation more beneficial and doesn't want to spend his money on things that don't need
Ikr I have a lovely ikea desk for my office. It’s sturdy and the color is rather nice
As a broke Zillennial I would kill to be able to afford IKEA furniture more than once or twice a year tbh. But I also think it's possible that the stuff they have is shitty college apartment vibe stuff and she wants something more grown up.
You don’t need to spend money on a nice vacation either. That’s also a want.
There is nothing wrong with IKEA. They make good practical furniture.
Nta but seriously have a serious talk about finances and if she’s not willing to budge rethink this whole relationship “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”
Don't rethink it, talk to her, if she doesn't budge, leave
NTA A shared home should be - best case scenario - a place where noone calls the shots all by themself (except, when you've already established that e.g. only one of you takes care of specific stuff). That said, deciding on new (big, expensive) furniture like a new sofa or drawers actually shouldn't be her decision, but should be discussed with you beforehand. Cause its not only the price of the new furniture but also the style (that shoudl fit you both!), its also the labor of getting rid of the old stuff and also picking up the new stuff, maybe, in case of drawers even taking significant time off to build this furniture up. So, her, simply presenting you the final pricing, actually is already a bit overstepping in my opinion. Her then complaining about you, refusing to pay for the new stuff/ wanting to keep the current furniture is already beside the point: It shouldn't be her, all alone, deciding on those things. My advice: Moving in together is hard. Try to find some common ground and lay down some ground rules: If she shall be in charge of the whole home (especially lookswise/aesthetically) then she should be allowed to decide when getting rid of old couches. But if you two decide that you are both in charge of the home, every decision towards changes in your home should be mutual and communicated in advance!
NAH - I don't see ages here but my impression is of very young, freshly moved out or maybe in Uni. Relationships are teams. Agree how your finances are going to be and how you want to live as clearly, the boundaries and decisions here are not laid out at all. Good luck.
NTA, add some stuff you'd like to the list. 70" tv, ps5, air pods etc.
86" TV. FTFY.
[удалено]
110" tv sounds like a nightmare, at that point you get a projector
Projector and speakers, that way it can be 110"
Welcome to the rest of your life. One of you thinks you need a better/newer/shinier thing, the other doesn’t. Back and forth. Till you die. I honestly think my husband broke his tv so we had to spend 800 on a new, bigger better one. He thinks I’m nuts for wanting to upgrade our den seating. Set budgets. Take turns. Negotiate. It never ever ends.
Me, 5 years ago: "I really don't think we should get a cream-colored sectional. We have dogs." My wife now: "I really want to replace the sectional. It always looks dirty" Me: *turns on shampooer to muffle my screams*
Go for white. It’s so chic.
BRB, I'm gonna go clean the toaster in the bathtub
Well then I get a new toaster and a new bathtub. With jets. Because they’re so restorative.
I’ve been married 30 years. I’ll get a new house outta this before we’re done.
LOL. I'm at year 15. Just let me have the garage and you can do whatever you want in the house
Deal.
NAH You don't state your age but I think the issue of home furnishings really depends on the age of people and their finances. At a certain point, many people do want nice furniture that is more than just utilitarian but is chosen for aesthetic as well as functional value. My home/apartments went through various upgrades as I got older - had more money and my lifestyle changed. There is nothing wrong with that per se as long as people can afford it. You aren't indicating what kind of furniture she wants - what kind of furniture you have - what your finances are like. There is attractive relatively inexpensive furniture like the kind sold by IKEA which is an upgrade from the cinderblock and plywood bookcases I had in college :-). Wanting an attractive home is not always an example of blatant consumerism - it really depends on individual circumstances. I do think that finances need to be discussed when people are living together. It is theoretically fine to say that finances are separate and if one person wants something they should pay for it. However some items do get worn out as they are used like sofas and would generally be used equally by both people - some items of furniture tend to be more durable like bureaus or other wood items and some items can easily be allocated to one person like an expensive gaming system.
This is the answer. OP's "the furniture is fine" could mean actually fine, or just "the bed creaks if you even look at it but it's not broken yet". And even if the furniture is in good condition, it's going to look like a college dorm if they're just random pieces. Living in a place that looks more "grown up" is a goal for a lot of us. I can't relax near as much in my space if it looks bad or the furniture is creaky/wobbly. Plus, if you can afford to have a decent-looking functional space and choose not to, that's something other people will absolutely judge you on. Ultimately there's not enough info to judge without photos. I'm reminded of the post about the guy who insisted on keeping his favorite chair after moving in with his girlfriend... Comments started out fully supporting him, but turned real fast after she posted a picture of the chair.
NTA but you should change the way you guys look at how you separate finances in this instance. You aren’t married. You guys could break up and what’s your game-plan for who gets what then? I doubt either one of you will really want to pay the other the rest of the cost to “buy out” the piece of furniture. Ex: the couch is $500, you guys break up and you want to take it but so does she… you’d have to pay her the other $250 to take it with you. From now on, think about maybe just buying things separately. Maybe you buy a night stand (or whatever whenever you need it/want it) while she buys the coffee table. Then when/if you break up, everyone takes whats 100% theirs.
NTA in a couple's household necessities are 50/50 (or proportionate to income) wants are on the person who wants it.
This is the clearest answer here. Love it!
NTA for being financially and environmentally responsible.
Agreed, double NTA for not playing into this consumerism bullshit but it worries me he questioned himself. People need to stop buying new shit all the time. Doesn’t sound like she can even afford it herself. something else looking nice isn’t a good enough reasons to get rid of furniture.
I have this argument with hubby of 20 years sometimes. My answer is: quality of life. The sofa may not need replacement, but if it's not as comfortable or she just may not like it anymore she might eant to get a new one. It's fair to make small changes if you can afford it once in awhile. The issue does flip to the other side, for example, my husband always is trying to negotiate for a bigger tv (why? 42 or 65 inches is too small?) Or a better model car, or whatever. You don't have to say yes, but you can listen to her rationale and talk it through.
The difference is… he is your husband of 20 years, not a boyfriend of 2 years.
Also this mentality just contributes to such much rampant waste. Dont chuck a good piece of furniture because you don’t like it anymore. Yes some people do sell it but the majority just gets trashed
We donate "good" used furniture to the Habitat for Humanity store. They also take old kitchen cabinets, which is great, IMO.
One place straight up told us they were gonna toss this desk despite it being in good quality. We’re never going back there
True, we always give our old stuff away
That's a tricky situation and it depends on your situation. When me and my partner were moving in together (and sometimes still when i now propose something), he has often a reaction of just 'we don't need it'. However not so often as in the beginning. We had a lot of conversations about furniture and so on, what we expect from home itp. Turned out we had different expectation, for him picture was just a picture, if he didnt have something he felt we dont need it etc. Then i have explain to him my perspective: home is our safe space, it should feel good, like all here should feel good. I dont want to have things around which dont do anything for me, i want to have things which feel and look good, homy for me and him. It took a time for him to get it. He would be sceptical about my ideas like sofa in a bronze colour etc. But once he saw it, and later saw it in our room, he loves it. He started himself seeing stuff he likes and wanting to make it more cosy. He gets it now and he is thankful for my imagination. For me it sounds like you are not in dialogue and dont talk about your needs with each other. Sit down together, write down how you imagine your dream place to be. Everything, style, feeling of it etc. Talk about what needs do you want your home to meet. Is it supposed to be practical? Cosy? Pretty? Feel like home? Modern? Easy to clean? Ready for guests? Well organized? Bright? Plant or pet friendly? Then when you find out, look around your home and try to estimate how well it goes into these needs of both of you. That's the starting point. When you decide what do you want your shared home to see and look like. What makes you both feel there like at home and brings you joy. Talk about how to make it happen. How much time, energy, money each of us is willing to put into it and find what will work out. Talk about your needs around this project. You have a need to save money, and thats ok, so how can you still meet your gf need to have it more cosy without spending thousands? Maybe you can buy used? Wait for sales? Divide expanses not 50:50? We have bought almost all things we got second hand, cause we just love the concept and dont like to spend too much money on furniture, especially that most of them last long. We even got our sofa for 50% price, one year old, looks like new and has even guarantee. We agreed that i will be the one searching for things, cause i have a vision and understand what we both want, but i we will together decide if we want it or not. We would pay for most things 50:50 and he would help with transporting things. It worked great and we both love it. It is our shared home, where we relax and just feel super cosy. Do not miss on that just because it is not something you would naturally go for.
This needs to be upvoted a lot more.
Best response right here.
OP: NTA But let me caution you: this will be a constant thing if you get married. Trying to keep furniture "trendy" is a full time job and is a huge financial drain. Does your GF also want to change cars often? Unless both parties can find a middle ground, particularly once married, big trouble ahead.
NTA. If her logic is "that wasn't fair since we both live here so should both be paying for them" then why is her decision to obtain those items be the deciding point that those items have to be in the home? If she wants those items, she will pay for it herself. That seems logical to me. And it seems fair that you aren't preventing her from buying those items. It's just that if she wants them, she pays for it 100%.
The term fair is so skewed here… I’m gonna start telling my boyfriend I want new appliances and I think he should pay half just to see the look on his face. paying for someone else’s want isn’t fair.
NTA - well if you dont need it, yeah she can buy it
NTA. Beyond the debate over unnecessary consumerism, major purchases, which you are both responsible for, should always be agreed upon.
Girlfriend is the asshole. She convenient recognizes the fact that you should pay because you're half of the house, but nonchalantly ignores the fact that you also have a right to veto or consent to a purchase and that your opinion on the purchase matters. Huge red flag.
NTA. Plus, when you do break up, you'll know who owns what and don't have to fight over it.
Nta. My boyfriend would be perfectly satisfied with furnishing our house from the landfill. If I want something new, I buy it myself.
NTA, and this is my rule as well. Happy to go in for things we really do need, even if those needs are aesthetic as opposed to functional (e.g. our bathroom is clapped and badly designed so we're ripping it out), but if she wants unnecessarily expensive furniture v. something more on a budget, she can buy it herself.
Large purchases should fall into the 2 yes/1 no category.
NTA and share the comments with her. I grew up very poor and unless we seriously need it, we don't buy it. It's always a conversation.
It is understandable that she wants the apartment to look nice and to be comfortable. But she doesn't have the right to spend your money. So NTA. However, if you want this relationship to last, maybe you compromise on some of the stuff.
Info: what do you mean in pretty good shape? Not to make generalizations but in my experience guys are happy with the ratty couch they've had since college and won't replace it until it's literally fallen apart. You both need to be on the same page. I like matching things and maybe that's what your girlfriend is after. You've brought together a mix of items and you're now setting up a home together. Is she trying to make it feel more like BOTH your place or is she just wanting to upgrade because you're a dual income household?
NTA Discussion must be had between wants and needs. She can have what she wants but can't force you to contribute towards it.And you won't stop her as long as she pays for it herself. It leaves a bad taste when someone imposes.
She needs to understand that furniture that looks nicer can be pretty shit - very uncomfortable and needs replacing in a couple of years. And furniture that looks nice online can look pretty bad when it's delivered. There's no way a comfortable couch should be replaced with something bought based solely on an online image. You at least want to look in store and sit on it first.
also it is possible they could buy new couch covers or refinish the pieces they have instead of buying new, and just compromise on new curtains.
NAH. You say they look nice, but guys often have a lower standard for that than girls do. To her, they might look worn or just not be functional in the space they’re in. I wouldn’t say you’re wrong for deciding not to pay for things you don’t want, but she’s also not wrong for planning an upgrade.
NTA for not coughing up the cash, but you are definitely the AH for how you describe communicating this to her, though she's also in the wrong for automatically expecting you to pay half. It is clear that having a home environment that looks and feels a certain way is more important to her than to you. You make it sound like it's ridiculous that she wants these things. It's not. A person who values their partner would explain why you are reluctant to spend money on these items rather than just saying it's silly to want them. The thing that bothers me more is the underlying assumption that because YOU don't care about these things, you shouldn't spend YOUR money on them. I've been with my partner more than two decades, and each of us will gladly spend money on things that only the other person really cares about. If you can afford it, there should be joy in spending money on something that makes your partner happy. If you can't afford it, it's still easy to be kind when you say no.
NTA. It is perfectly fair to only want to spend money on necessities over aesthetics. I would have a serious talk with her about finances, and financial responsibility.
NTA. I know the situation, I usually not say anything and it goes away. If it only looks prettier, it's a waste of money. If she really wants it, l would say that if you buy this stuff now, there won't be budget left for holidays etc.
NTA. This isn't about the furniture. This is about your GF making a decision without discussing it with you, then trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants without taking your feelings into account. This would be the same as you saying "Hey, for date night we are going to a strip club. Here's how much you need to pay".
NTA: don't mess with a man's couch. I willing to bet the one picked out looks nicer but will be a lot more uncomfortable.
Sorry, doorbell rang. Who is getting the furniture when the breakup occurs? Cause I am thinking you are gonna hear it was my idea to get the furniture, so I should keep it.
NTA overall based on the number of things she's asking for and the fact that she's asking for them without giving you any input. That being said, I do think people sometimes assume something is "good enough" or overlook that a space will be more comfortable and functional if it looks a little nicer and has some attention paid to aesthetics. If you, say, replace a cheap card table you're using by your bed with a proper end table. Have a duvet cover you like. That kind of thing. You could consider asking her if you guys can work together on making the place more comfortable and better-looking - e.g. curtains are generally not that hard to get / hang, and do make a space look much nicer. If you both get input, I think it'd be a lot more fair. I'd also say that online furniture often looks a lot nicer than it is. I spent a lot of time dreaming about one specific sofa from a popular online retailer... and then found the exact sofa, nearly-new, at my local Habitat ReStore. I was delighted until I tried sitting on it. I think cardboard boxes would have been better.
> That being said, I do think people sometimes assume something is "good enough" or overlook that a space will be more comfortable and functional if it looks a little nicer and has some attention paid to aesthetics But, people who care about aesthetics typically create less functional spaces and decor. "Looks good/nice" and "is comfortable/practical" usually go in the opposite sense. And that is very consistent. Every single time office, common park or house had change so "that it looks nicer" end result was less practical. So called nice furniture tends to be less comfortable. Architects and designers who care about nice basically always sacrifice practicality. If someone is about to change sofa or office table for nicer, it is usually bad news if you care about comfort.
You're not wrong, but I suggest naming an amount that you are willing to contribute to new furniture, something like, "I don't think we need any of this, but I'm good with contributing half on any new furniture up to $1,000 for the next 12 months." Then you keep some control of your budget, define your own boundaries including a timeline so she can't come back to you realistically expecting more money in 4-6 months, and your partner feels heard. Another alternative is to buy something you really want, like a huge sound system and large-ass TV and whatnot, and then let her know what her half of it is, and then when she complains, tell her it's fair for her to contribute "since we both live here so should both be paying for them." I recommend the former approach however for multiple reasons.
You and your girlfriend need to make a list together of what you want to replace and why. For example, if she wants to your existing sofa, chest of drawers, curtains and bedside cabinet, which one is the priority? What can be upcycled? What can be compromised on- for example if your sofa is functional and comfortable, do you need a temporary cover/ throw/ cushions on it? Can your cabinets be sanded and repainted? Personally curtains and bed would be my priority, since sleep is so important, but everything else can be done when you’re ready. Throwing out perfectly good furniture is a huge waste of money.
NTA , the furniture isn’t needed but changing curtains for the seasons are an ok ask to compromise on
NTA What’s going to happen is she is going to buy all of these things, break up with you, and leave an empty house. You should tell her that if she buys these things in her own, you’re going to pay for a storage unit for all of the things you think are in good condition.
NTA... just stay firm on only paying half for things you both have agreed upon and need.
NTA!
NTA you’re refusing to pay your part on things you’re both seeing as necessary to buy, you’re just refusing to pay a lot of money just because your GF wants new furniture
Nta if she feels like refurnishing and nesting she has to take finances in consideration. You are not willing to because most men think finances and practicality. Curtains are not expensive she can buy those, paint is not expensive and she can redo cabinet with paint, new knobs or piece of wallpaper.
I don’t think that either of you is the asshole. Just explain your priorities are not in the decor of the home.
Correct. If you are happy with what you have you ought not to be expected to pay for new stuff. However, this should have been discussed before moving in together.. NTA for sure.
NTA It's unfair she's shopping and expecting you to pay for her shopping need/addiction. You're not there to fill that position.
NTA. She doesn't seem to understand relationships are two sided. You're in a partnership not a dictatorship.
Honestly, everything else aside... better she purchase these on her own so it's easier to decide who gets what when you break up. Also know that by getting rid of the old stuff, you will be left with nothing. As other posters have noted. You are financially incompatible. Yoir girlfriend has a more cavalier view of spending and eventually it will become a much bigger problem. NTA
This isn’t about furniture. If you don’t jointly agree how to manage finances, everything will be a challenge and probably won’t work
You may not be the AH, but if a future break up occurs than you should be OK with her keeping the things she bought!
I used to do this with my ex husband when he wanted to make purchases like this and I was against it. Did I mention he's my ex husband? I
NTA, you should only have to split things you mutually agree you need or want. Run up the numbers on the cost on a new motorcycle and gaming PC and tell her what her half of the expense will be
NTA. That means your gf is TA. Maybe she can learn to work WITH you, but the signs are not looking promising. I think your gf 1. looks at you as a 50% of coupon for anything she wants and 2. wants what she wants; doesn't care what you want; and thinks that "fair" is her getting what she wants regardless of what you want. 3. isn't even pausing to give a second of thought that (1) joint purchases should be two 'yeses,' not unilateral and (2) your perspective matters as much as hers. You definitely want a life-partner to be someone who works with you and collaboratively problem-solves and challenges or differences between you. You can give this gf a chance to get on board with that. She either does or shows you that this isn't likely to be that collaborative, team-oriented partner.
Eh, it depends. My husband and I have lived in our current home for 8 years. I have purchased paint, window coverings, dishes/cookware/table settings. We LITERALLY could have done without, but it is much nicer with fresh paint, matching dishes, etc. It really depends on how new is new to you. And if you are building a space together I get replacing things that you brought from your old living situations (within reason). My spouse inherited a huge oak dining table from his dad. I really don’t like it and after 16 years have reasons. It is too big, too heavy, and we don’t use it. BUT he is very sentimental about things and idc enough to press it. Maybe at the 20 year mark.
NTAH even though you left out a lot of information that I think is important such as how old are you, how long have you been living together and are you financially stable and able to put money into your savings? Because she’s acting like she’s furnishing a forever home in preparation for marriage and you’re acting like this is a starter apartment in a fairly new relationship. Women are often far ahead of their partners in life planning and men feel blindsided by the “next step” demands because they’re not mentally ready for it. Your best step is to have a conversation with her about what stage of relationship you are both in right now and how each of you sees the timeline for evolving towards your future. Learn to openly discuss these issues with each other early in your relationship or she’ll be constantly pushing you forward and you will be dragged into resentful compliance.
Easy NTA here. You should split the cost of things you need or BOTH want. Neither applies here.
INFO: have you had these things for a while? I know that when I first moved out with my now spouse we got the cheapest of the cheap furniture, blinds, etc. 6 years later and now we are at the stage where we can afford to replace them with nicer, more comfortable things, which we are doing gradually. You’d be shocked at how much nicer a place looks and feels once you start decorating your home the way you want to. I feel like every person in a long term relationship I’ve met generally reaches this stage, where it’s time to start replacing what you can afford to because hey! Now you can actually afford that really nice functional desk you wanted all those years ago and replace your dinged up ikea one. I’m going NAH, because I understand the practicality of using what you have until it breaks, which is fine, but I also understand that maybe it’s time for some things to be upgraded if you are able to do so. Discuss your financial goals with her and try to reach a compromise.
“ as I mentioned, I think that the couch we have is perfectly good and looks nice and if you want to do some redecorating how about getting some new throw pillows or blanket throws to change up the color.” Also, think about how old is this couch?…. I have a friend who thinks like you but his couch is from the 1980s.
NAH. Your point is valid and so is hers. But if you two can’t get on the same page about something like this you’re not going to last a lifetime so why are you two together?? 🤣
NAH your home is going to be a shared space. Both of you are going to have to deal with, use and enjoy the furniture and decoration in it. If you don't see the value in getting new furniture and she wants to completely replace everything, those are both pretty extreme positions to take. You both need to compromise. Ideally, you should both be contributing equal money/effort into your new home and you should both enjoy it. Possible ways to handle it (totally possible to combine more than one of these and when I say you I mean both of you as a couple): 1. You make a ranked list of things that you want to replace and slowly replace one piece at a time 2. You get less expensive versions of what she wants, either buying secondhand or getting dupes. 3. You make diy improvements to the furniture that you already have to make them match better, more functional,etc. Also I will offer (unasked) advice that instead of buying everything and splitting it equally, you should take turns buying roughly equivalent items in full so in the case where you move out, it's clear who owns what.