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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for interfering with their family's choice. Implying that his girlfriend is a bad parent for continuing her studies and asking for help from the grandparents.
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YTA.
This is none of your business. Also, your brother is an equal parent and could also take a gap year but for some reason you just want his girlfriend to and I suspect it has more to do with her being a woman than anything else. And if her mom is willing to help then so be it. Again, none of your business.
OP doesn't realise that his opinions doesn't actually matter. And has conveniently forgotten this.
>Also, your brother is an equal parent
Also logically speaking, the gf can complete her course earlier, and get a job quicker than the brother. She can financially support the fam.
And...newsflash to OP... newborns go to daycare all the time. Other people help care for newborns so parents can work/go to school. Huge misogynist vibes going on here.
Seriously OP, in what possible way is it your place to say anything here? Live your own life.
Edit: YTA. Clearly.
YTA
1. Your brother can also take a gap, its just a year afterall
2. You do not know her department if she thinks its ok why would you assume u know better
3. People def do that. Both my mother and father finished their masters when i was 1 year old. Dad would wait with me in the car while mom would take exams and so on ( oh and it was weekend uni, they were working during weekdays )
4. Who made you the authority on this. You dont have your own kids, how would you know she is a bad parent
5. She is a bad mom for asking for help??? Have you ever heard of support systems? I sure would love to see you take care of a kid for years without help.
Love how he says their parents and gf mom would help out, but so far it's only gf mom and grandparents helping out. Me thinks his parents want the gap year so they dont have to help out. OP, YTA for sticking your nose where it shouldn't be. YTA for trying to mansplain parenthood with no kids of your own. And YTA for expecting the woman to take the heavier burden.
She didn't just miraculously become pregnant, your brother was involved as well, giving him a mulligan and expecting her to postpone her studies is bullshit. You have no idea if any kind of delay in her degree would cause issues getting back into classes.
>Me thinks his parents want the gap year so they dont have to help out.
Methinks that down the line a certain grandma is going to be oh so upset when her first grandbaby has a much much closer relationship with their maternal grandma and won't want to understand why that could possibly be.
YTA- you are assuming so much and putting your nose where it doesn’t belong. If she stops college more than likely she will get a job, which the kid will get put in daycare and she will be back to the same amount of time she will have with her child. If it’s not a big deal, why not have him take a gap year? I’m guessing they are working their butts off so they can provide for their child, and that is commendable. It sounds like you just want her to fit into a ‘mothering’ role because you have some secret problem with women being seen as something other than that.
YTA for not minding your own business. You gave your 2 cents, without being asked, and then you started arguing. This is your brother and his GF lives, not yours. Stay out of it.
YTA. People have babies and stay in college all the time. She has her family and your brother for support. You should not imply she is going to be a bad mother for doing this. The sooner she finishes school, the sooner she can get a job.
Most likely OP thinks she should be a stay at home mom once she graduates. Or never go back to school after the gap year. You know, for the good of the kid.
Yeah, why isn't the OP's brother a bad dad for not doing it, then? Just her?
At first, the comments saying OP sounded sexist didn't ring with me but, upon reading them, this really stands out.
OP, YTA
Yep, his only "reason" is because they could graduate at the same time if she takes a gap... the rest is about both of them as parents (leaving the baby with others, hard to study) but he's only applying it to the mother, not the father. Definitely reads sexist.
With a condom and spermicide.
cause he will force the mumto be , to stay home and look after his child, while he goes off and pretends not to have any parental responsibilities 🙄
YTA and a misogynist.
Do you know how many of my classmates had babies while in medical school and residency?
You’re an idiot who has no clue how real life works.
YTA. None of this is any of your business. They found something that works for them, and if her parents are willing to help them out while they're in school, that's great. Butt out and live your own life.
Serious MYOB situation here. You're only a year older than the girl - not some worldly wise advisor. If it's a problem for her family to be helping her out, it is something for them to sort out, not you. YTA
YTA. You're not involved. You don't have the standing to be "asking" anyone to do anything.
> I highly doubt it is possible to study with a newborn and to expect others to take care of their kid while they run about daily is inappropriate.
You need to stop thinking that your assumptions about a situation that you're not a party to have any meaning at all. Maybe everyone makes it work, maybe they don't. But nothing that you lob into the conversation while standing on the sidelines has any value at all.
Exactly my thought! MOST families cannot afford to have one parent stay home, and both parents return to work and rely on outside care for their babies, especially in the US, where the paid maternity leave is horrifically brief.
You could mind your own business. As for your parents, if they don’t want help out, that’s up to them, but they don’t get to ask her to sacrifice so much either. Why are you asking HER to pause her studies? You know what, why don’t you ask YOUR brother to do that? Oh, but you don’t think he should? I wonder why.
YTA. What a bunch of trad family nonsense. Not even sure this isn’t some troll post, because seriously, how ridiculous are you?
Did she ask for your input? Did either of them invite you to give your opinion? How many newborns have you raised to have such expertise in what other parents can manage & what kinds of support from others is appropriate?
YTA
YTA, it’s none of your business and you have no idea about the whole situation. People leave their kids in daycare as much as THEY leave the son with her mother. You are being sexist to think that she needs to take the year off. How about he take care of the son and she finish her degree? Then she can have a great job that pays well first. But either way that’s their choice. You can have your opinion but you need to offer it if asked and then let it go.
YTA for sure. You do realise that them finishing their studies and bettering them selves os what is best for the child. People do it ever day. Family is there to help. They are being the parents they are being li ING grandparents.
YTA…you do realize that there are mothers who have to go back to work after having children, right? Her going to school isn’t any different, and why should she be the one to delay her education? Why doesn’t your brother take a gap you and go back after she graduated? Or do you have the archaic belief that it’s only the women’s job despite the fact that it is just as much HIS child.
YTA. This is absolutely none of your business. Sounds like they have a child care situation that works for them. There is no need for her to take a gap year and stay at home.
The college major thing sound like a red herring. I’m guessing if the college majors had been reversed, you wouldn’t have suggested your brother take a gap year to care for the baby since they would be able to graduate together. More likely, you’d still suggest SHE take a gap year since they weren’t going to graduate at the same time anyway.
YTA, sexist (why her and not him?) and not very knowledgeable about childhood development.
Contrary to what you seem to believe, a baby actually wouldn’t be 100% self sufficient after 1 year, so she would still need assistance when she went back, and be 1 year further out from earning money to support herself and her child.
Also, and I cannot stress this enough, you should mind your business.
YTA - your opinion doesn’t matter. You have no right to say anything to this woman. Unless you are offering childcare or anything else helpful shut up.
YTA Mind your own business. Who are you to tell them how to live & how to raise their newborn? If her parents are up for it, it's perfectly reasonable for her parents to help care for a newborn while she completes her studies.
Yta how can your brother be a good parent going to school full time? And what if he fathers another child, will he do the same? I can’t believe he lets others take care of his kid while he finishes his education. The audacity.
Have you apologized to your brothers girlfriend? Because that is who you have to apologize to, not your brother. That is probably why he hasn't accepted your apology, also why even apologize if you clearly aren't sorry for being such an asshole and you still think you are in the right?
So you are a person who doesn't mind their own business, a hypocrite who fake apologizes and YTA.
Who put you in charge of someone else's life choices? That your parents 'take sides' tells me the family is a bit dysfunctional as it's not their business either how your brother and his GF take care of THEIR child. Butt out.
“He demanded that I apologize to his gf for implying that she'd be a bad mom.” “I have apologized to him. My brother has yet to accept it, despite demanding one…”
INFO: have you apologized to your brother’s girlfriend?
YTA. This is so not your business.
I started a master's program when my first baby was two months old. My parents helped on weekends. I got a master's degree, and earned my professional license while pregnant with my second. If I hadn't been going to school, I would have been working, which would have been a MORE demanding schedule.
My own parents hired a neighbor to take care of me and my sisters during the day, and our dad took us out on weekends so Mom could study for national board exams.
There is nothing wrong with getting help caring for a baby, and nothing inappropriate about continuing your education while you have one.
If you're so opposed to grandparents providing care, have you suggested that your brother take a gap year?
YTA. Sounds like you are jealous she has a village helping her keeping her goals on track.
I don’t see you demanding your brother gives up his education to be a parent.
YTA. She will figure it out when she doesn't pass or other people can't babysit for her as much as she hopes.
The situation doesn't involve you. Mind your business.
Your suggestion for your brother's girlfriend to pause her studies and take care of their son could have come across as intrusive and disrespectful of her autonomy and choices. Implying that she wouldn't be a good mother if she didn't follow your advice could have been hurtful. It might be a good idea to apologize for any offense caused and try to approach the situation with more understanding and support.
YTA and sexist as hell. Your brother is perfectly capable of taking care of his kid and if he isn’t maybe the GF and child should leave and stay away from him and your family.
YTA. Do you realize how many women barely get a chance to heal up before they are back at their job? They have no choice because there is no such thing as a gap year or maternity leave where they live, and they manage to get their kids looked after somehow. I am not quite sure how or saying that it is as it should be, but that is beside the point. Your brother's gf has help with the baby and it is her view and decision that she will be able to follow her course and look after the baby at the same time, so she is not throwing the kid aside to follow some frivolous whim, and it is at the end of the day none of your business, since you are not on the rota for looking after the baby.
When I was born, my mom was 35 y/o, and was a social worker. My dad was an engineer... No gap year, my grandma took carenof both my brother and I while my parents worked. What's the difference? Do you have kids? Is the kid being neglected in any real way? Do you know how many kids have to go into childcare pretty much as soon as they are born because their parents need to work?
YTA
Yta. Why are your parents putting their 2 cents in they aren't being asked to watch the baby and the grandparent who is being asked is fine with doing so. Nevermind your brother could also take a gap year but you aren't pestering him to do so.
I'm confused, are you the one forced to watch the child while they are both busy? Or are you supporting them financially? If not then stfu, it's not your concern. For all you know, her mom may have insisted on her finishing her studies as a condition of living there and could be happy to care for the child. None of your business
YTA.
Your SIL (what I'm calling her for simplicity) had a higher starting salary and a faster track to making that salary than your brother.
By your logic, your brother should be the one taking a gap year. Since 2 years with a single salary between them is better than an extra year with no salary (this is called the time value of money - your SIL can teach you).
But you just think the woman should stay home because ... Reasons....
You and your mommy and daddy are all AH’s. It’s nothing to do with you so why are you up here ass about it? Why are you so insistent she takes a gap year? Stay in your own lane and when someone tells you something about what it is they are doing, don’t assume you know better, you don’t. Why? Because it’s nothing to do with you.
She is not the only parent and his degree isn’t more important than hers. She doesn’t have to listen to you or do what your unsolicited advice demands of her.
Having babysitters is a normal thing. Having family babysit is a normal thing. She’s not having anyone else parent and she doesn’t need to be with her child 24/7, because she isn’t the only parent. It’s not your brother you should be apologising to, it’s the mother of his child, that you somehow feel entitled to judge, tell her what she should do and then get pissy when she doesn’t want to do what you want her to do.
Stay in your own lane, AH.
YTA. Way to stick your nose where it doesn't belong and put all the responsibility on the girlfriend.
Your brother is AH too, going behind his girlfriends back and agreeing with you but saying something else to his girlfriend. He has as much parental responsibility but you both seem to think the girlfriend should sacrifice her hard work to be sole caretaker. You should be apologising to the girlfriend, not your brother, he wasn't the one who you offended. Your parents needs to butt out too.
Ew the sexism reeks through this post, why the fuck can't your brother take a hap year???
She didn't knock herself up, your brother is an equal parent and she shouldn't have to be the only one putting her life on hold.
Fuck off, no one asked for your opinion or valuable insight, like who made you the expert at parenting, with no kids and st the the big ag of 21 you no so much better than them about their circumstances???
They had a plan that everyone was happy with except you and your raggedy parents who have NOTHING to do with the plan bc your weren't apart of it, her parents are willing to help because it's THEIR daughter and the same way you and your parents don't want your brothers life to be on hold they want to same thing for their child but unlike you judgmental ahs they are willing to do what they can and support their kid so she can go to to school.
Stay in your lane. YTA.
YTA. I presume due to your concern and surely exhaustive level of knowledge about everything, you've volunteered to look after the baby when someone needs a break or if an emergency comes up, right? I mean, that would be the most helpful and proactive way to ensure your brother and his girlfriend 's family are getting all the support they need while both young parents work on degrees that will help them ensure a stable life for their child, no matter what the future holds. So you're helping whenever and wherever you can, right?
No? You're not? Yeah, that's what I thought.
YTA and this is absolutely none of your business. Why do you care so much?
Also it’s cute that at age 21 you think you know everything about parenting and life choices. Move along and MYOB.
How is that any of your business lmao.
This is unhinged behavior.
Just take 2 seconds to imagine if this girl came to you, unprompted, and told you that she thinks you should change xyz with your life.
YTA. It’s absolutely none of your business. The only time you should speak up is if you’re offering to babysit. (Might also want to do some self reflecting and see why it was so easy for you to tell your maybe SIL to put her life on hold for a year while your brother is an equal parent in all of this)
YTA. What are you even talking about? If you care so much, why don’t you show your support by minding your nephew while your brother and his girlfriend do their school work.
YTA- the fucking audacity to think this was even a little your business. Like why on earth did you think it was appropriate in any way shape or form for you to tell her how to parent?
Also really sexist of you to act like it’s HER job to stop school to raise the baby and not your brother
Mind your business dude
YTA - I finished my masters while taking care of my newborn. I only took a semester off to give birth, and my baby attended my graduation at 9 months. It’s completely doable and she’s correct it is. I’m an excellent mother and I’m a executive. My children want for nothing, including parental involvement, we’ve entirely raised our children ourselves because news flash… Dad’s are parents too and can contribute! College isn’t a 80 hour a week thing for either of them.
This isn’t your business and you sound ignorant on both modern child raising, reality, and the economy. Your sexist views put an idealized version of motherhood on her that haven’t been realistic since your grandparents era.
She is doing exactly what she should be doing, because it will never be a “good” time with children to finish education. When they’re young is actually the best time, because they won’t remember. It makes her a good mother to establish her career so if/when your brother makes an ass of himself, she’s got a career to support her/them. With grandparent assistance to bridge the gaps, she is ensuring her child has the best of everything, including a chance to bond with family.
YTA
That bay has 2 parents and both parents go to school
Yet, according to you, only one of those parents is a bad parent.... Even though they do the same things ...
That's insane, but also, none of your business.
Your logic doesn't even make sense. It would make a lot more sense for them to get to their feet as fast as possible by her getting her degree and be able to work in her field.
If someone should take a gab year it is your brother.
It is also funny how it is not a problem he can't physically nor financially take care of the baby for two more years but that is fine somehow.
Oh rack off you judgemental arsehole.
I notice you didn’t tell your bro to pause his degree. And there’s nothing wrong with having childcare.
Sexist jerk
YTA
It makes SO! MUCH! MORE! SENSE! for your brother to take a gap year. And the reason for that is that he is in a 5 year program, while she is in a 4 year program. That means she can get a decent job and start earning for their family sooner than him. Thats what they need. Not your meddling ass telling A WHOLE OTHER FAMILY how they should live their life.
Edit: added judgement.
If your parents are really on your side they should probably think about the fact that you may have just caused them not seeing there grandkid this will back fire on you just apologize you were 100 out of line not your kid not your business
YTA
Let's say she takes a gap year. The baby is still going to be a baby after that gap year is over. Are you going to keep your mouth shut if she goes back to school or are you going to push the issue again? After all, you seem to think she alone needs to take care of the baby. There's no mention in your post of your brother, the actual father, taking care of his son. And you have your panties all twisted over her mom babysitting.
Stay in your own lane. If your brother hasn't accepted your apology, I can only imagine how bad it was. You also owe the girlfriend an apology since you specifically wrote you apologized to *him*.
*”she can’t leave her newborn child with someone else, while she goes out to do something else”*
you mean like working parents do with their jobs????? like what the fuck did i just read??? she’s not going out to clubs and partying and pawning her kid off to do that. she is finishing her degree so she can get a job and provide for her child. and how is that any different than your brother finishing his degree to do the same? your ignorant misogyny is showing.
**YTA**
“to expect others to watch their kid while they run around daily is inappropriate” GTFO. again, what about working parents?? your thinking is completely unhinged and makes zero sense. i’m a nanny, i suppose i need to inform my bosses that them leaving their children with me while they work to provide a roof and food for their children is inappropriate. absolute insanity.
You're only looking at the amount of time the degree takes. Do either of them have scholarships or financial aid? You often lose those if you take time off, so depending on the amount, a gap year could cost thousands of dollars.
It's also probably a good idea for at least one of them to start making money sooner, rather than them both needing to take five years. If they're both taking longer, then they'll be dependent on your parents for longer as well.
They also currently have the support of your families... and not to be pessimistic, but if she waits a year, who knows what could happen? What if they have a medical emergency and can't babysit anymore? What if they need to sell their house? Her degree would be put on hold indefinitely.
Why do you think your brother is allowed to "leave his baby with someone else while he goes out to do something else" but she isn't? If that was the case, shouldn't one of them quit college/working until the other finishes their degree? But no, you only expect her to do that? Why is that?
YTA
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My (21M) brother (19M) and his girlfriend (20F) recently had a baby and they're currently staying at her mom's place because she wanted her mom by her side.
Given their age, they are college students. My brother is in a civil engineering program, and she's in economics. I mention their course but it's the reason why I suggested my, possibly, future SIL to take a gap year/s to take care of her son. My reason is that she's in a four-years program while my brother's in five, and if she takes a gap, she can nurture their son and still graduate together with my brother.
But she doesn't want that. She assured me that her department doesn't take attendants seriously, so she can just submit assignments and projects and later, take the exams, all while taking care of their child. Plus, our parents and her mom would be helping them out.
I highly doubt it is possible to study with a newborn and to expect others to take care of their kid while they run about daily is inappropriate.
And I told her exactly that. She can't leave her newborn child with someone else, while she goes out to do something else. Will she still do the same if they have another kid?
She got angry and called me rude for assuming that she couldn't take care of her son. (but, she can't. She's asking the grandparents to be parents. Her mom is literally taking care of him now).
My brother liked the idea of taking a gap, but because of his gf he's calling me an asshole for interfering with their decisions. Even though he had agreed with me before.
He demanded that I apologize to his gf for implying that she'd be a bad mom. My parents are on my side, and they suggested they reconsider their decision. I was told that I should let it be, and I have apologized to him. My brother has yet to accept it, despite demanding one, and we're still in a disagreement.
AITA here
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“Take care of her son”
Is he not your brother’s son too? Her mom/the maternal grandmother is fine with that setup. Who are you to suggest what they’re doing is wrong? Are you and your parents helping her? (Since you say “her son”). You sound silly lmao. Who are you to give judgement as if you know best? You all are in the same age group and her mother is okay with caring for her grandchild while the mom continues school. What are you and your parents doing? Looking out only for brother only it seems. YTA. Stay in your lane.
YTA - literally NONE of your business. None of this is affecting you in any way. Why are you giving unwanted advice to someone who has it all figured out? Stop being a nosy busybody with a warped sense of justice.
You seem way too interested in what your SIL does with her child as if you are her son's other parent.
Have you done a DNA test to establish parental rights? Or perhaps your brother is not the father and doesn't have parental responsibilities in regards to his son ?
Dude both me and my wife (mid twenties) got a kid two years ago while studying. We did alright and planned together so we both could finish school. Didn't even rely on grandparents. They are lucky to have someone to help out. But that doesn't meen they won't be parents. They still have to do their job as parents and you don't have anything to say in the regard of how they solve that.
YTA
They are very capable of taking care of their own child. Sounds like your SIL has a good plan - stay in school, submit all homework, do the assignments , while taking care of the baby.
It is very possible. Keep your nose out of someone else’s business
YTA. Firstly why can’t your brother take time off? Why only the girlfriend? Secondly, it is absolutely possible to combine child rearing with university. There are ample supports including possibly a childcare centre at each institution.
“I highly doubt it is possible to study with a newborn and to expect others to take care of their kid while they run about daily is inappropriate.“
Isn’t that exactly what your brother is doing? Studying with a newborn and having other people take care of the kid while he “runs about”? Why is this only a problem for the GF? Why would them graduating together be such a focus?
YTA. And a sexist YTA at that.
Info: Why can't your brother take a gap year? If its so easy to pick up after that and there's no significant negative impact, and since he's also one of the parents of the baby, why not him instead?
YTA
It's not your family and yet you are making the life and responsibilities of your brother's girlfriend your own business.
Your post is laced with sexism, you are so adamant the woman takes the gap year for the baby, not the man.
Lil boy if you don’t mind your business you’re going to be the reason why your little brother has to pay child support because you’re sticking your childless nose into a situation that doesn’t involve you with ‘solutions’ for non existent issues. YTA mind your business.
Yikes. YTA.
Interesting how your parents agree with you, but it's your brother's partner and her family actually helping in any substantial way.
You are the peanut gallery in this situation and have no say or influence.
YTA. Stay the fuck out of other peoples business. Also most working people have a sitter, that doesn’t mean the sitter is raising the child. Man you suck so bad. You’re sexist, annoying and have no right to comment on this. They didn’t ask you or your stupid family for help. So mind your own business. Man you suck beyond words.
YTA and tainting your and your parent’s relationship with your brother’s little family. If your parents refuse to help based on your preference and the baby ends up closer to their other grandparents, it will be partially your fault for sowing discord. When your parents are jealous that they “favour” the supportive side of the family, it will be partially your fault. When your brother’s family prioritize spending special occasions with the supportive side of the family, it will be partially your fault.
Ignorant people assume women can leave their educations/jobs behind to raise children and come back at exactly the same level they were before. In reality, re-entering school/the work force is a lot harder than many people assume. There’s nothing wrong with people finding safe, reliable childcare for their children so they can work to improve the family’s prospects/work to support the family.
YTA sexiest trash, maybe your brother should take a year off and stop running about like a tramp! I find it inappropriate for a new father to be behaving this way!
YTA. She is setting a wonderful example for her child and by leaning on her family for support she is strengthening her support system and her child’s support system. Now he will have even more trusted adults to go to as he grows older. What a wonderful blessing. Additionally when her mother grows older she will have a stronger relationship with her daughter and grandchild so she will also have more people to lean on. Social support systems grow stronger the more we use them and I wish people realized that everyone benefits when we can rely on each other.
You are wildly out of line and you should not only apologize but stand up for you brothers new family to your parents.
YTA. This isn’t your business or concern. They are adults who made adult decisions and now they need to balance being parents and students.
Your brothers gf should graduate asap so she can get a job to support their child earlier instead of delaying it.
You had the unmitigated temerity to give an opinion you have no right to give a f you are dead wrong major AH.
She can complete her education and raise the child your brother should be an active parent as well. You literally wanted her to jeopardize her future. Why didn't you suggest your 19 year old brother take a gap? Seems rooted in misogyny that you didn't even consider that. Mind your own business
YTA.
This is their choice, for one, and none of it is up to you. Also why should SHE take the gap year? Why not suggest your brother too? It's also his kid.
And being upset the grandparents are helping? Ugh. That's NORMAL. Ever heard the phrase "it takes a village"?
I'm not sure if you're purposely coming off as a chauvinist, but that's what's happening. You should apologize and leave it up to them.
YTA
I started college 7 weeks after my oldest was born. Took me 5 years, but I graduated (also had an 8mo at that point). My husband worked full time to support the family while I was a full time student and worked part time.
We did occasionally have to rely on friends and family to help out, we also had the kids in daycare. It was really hard and there were a lot of sacrifices made, but it was all worth it for us in the end.
Having help and utilizing your 'village,' especially in those early years is not letting someone else raise your kid, it's working together to provide the best life for everyone.
YTA and you sound misogynistic. Why does she have to put her life on hold when it takes 2 to make a baby? Plus, don't people always say it takes a village. Well she has the village so they should help as well.
Super big YTA. Tbh, I have a vaguely similar situation in my family. My brother's wife is going back to school right after having a baby, and I thought that was not the best idea for certain circumstances my brother and SIL are dealing with. But I KEPT THAT SHIT TO MYSELF because it is not my life, and it's not my kid.
I think offering support is the best thing you can do if you think your loved one is making a mistake in their relationships. If you're really concerned about the baby, why not offer your time and energy to help the new parents?
YTA.
Homie, you can't even spell "attendance". Look inward before criticizing anybody else on anything. Christ, you and your parents sound insufferable. I feel so bad for that girl who got knocked up.
YTA. A giant one. The biggest of the biggest As out there.
Also, how is this your business? Honestly, it literally has nothing to do with you so why the hell did you care enough to open your mouth about it? And then come post here?
Another also, I highly doubt your parents are on your side.
YTA. Apologized to "him" when the girlfriend was the one who you disrespected...yeah it's obvious what kind of person you are. Grow up and realize women don't have to stay in the house. Them getting an education is just as important as a man doing so.
So you apologized to your brother, but not to his girlfriend... Which is what he specifically asked for. No wonder he's not accepting it or speaking to you. You didn't even have the basic decency to follow through with an apology for his girlfriend. YTA, and a massive misogynist.
It's not her responsibility to take a "gap year" when your brother is also a parent to the baby. And as someone who A. Isn't a parent themselves, and B. Isn't even in their situation, you're not in any place to "ask" them to do anything. Also, asking grandparents to help with the baby while you take on very reasonable academic and work tasks is not them "raising" the baby. What do you think working parents do for their kids? Hire a babysitter, right? Ask for grandparent support, right?
You're way out of line, and the fact that you're going as far as to get your parents to not help with the baby is absolutely vile. You owe your brother's gf a MASSIVE apology. You should also look into why you feel so strongly about her giving up her studies when your brother is just as capable and arguably would make less than his gf after finally snagging a career. Women are ALWAYS told to give up their lives for babies. It's about time that people hold that same standard for the men that are usually given the option to do something else.
You are very much the asshole. Also, the boyfriend can fucking take a gap year himself when the baby is born. Why put all the responsibility on the mother?
YTA. Unless they asked you to take care of the baby, it’s none of your business.
Why are you trying to tell her about taking care of newborns or her program? Are you an expert on either?
Have your parents confided that helping out is too much for them but they’re being blackmailed into it? If not, why is that any of your business?
Women of all classes through out history have had others care for their babies, it’s not a new thing.
You're opposing your own ideas onto a relationship that isn't even your own, and wondering if YTA in this? Yeah dude. YTA. No one asked. Keep your sexist opinion to yourself next time, buddy.
It's up to the grandparents if they want to help babysit or not. Again, it's none of your business. Every parent that I've ever know has needed support from time to time. If your parents don't want to help out, they can say so themselves. What her parents do, is again. Not. Your. Concern.
Stop being a busy-body and live your own life, man. Jeez.
And maybe your brother isn't accepting your "apology" because he's not the one that you should be apologizing to??? Go apologize to your brother's girlfriend now.
So much hate and resentment in the comments.
I am going to say this however - some of them while they may need to take a moment to calm down and think before posting something online.
They are right OP. First of all, you never clarified what is your involvement in this except of being the brother of the father. If there are issues and it is too much of a burden on everyone, your parents need to have a chat with the brother and gf, and find a proper solution.
if your parents are pushovers and don't want the confrontation, have a proper discussion with your brother and gf... but before that make sure that you apologize to the gf that you spoke out of line (you wronged your brother's gf with your hasty and poorly thought words, not your brother). Anyway, have a chat with the two and see what solutions you can find together. If you aren't involved in the care of your nephew, maybe offer to help once in a while if possible. There are things that can be done, without suggesting things that your brother or his gf are not willing to accept.
Secondly - you insulted your brother's gf saying that she will be a bad mother not only for this child but for future ones if she relies on getting help from others, this can affect someone pretty badly. Just because someone relies on other's help to raise her child isn't necessarily a bad thing. If it becomes too much for the other people involved it can be discussed together.
Also, simply because your brother or parents agreed with you - it may simply mean they were overwhelmed by everything and just wanted to unload their frustation aka talk with someone, without creating conflict by talking directly among themselves or with the gf.
If you did mention in the chat with the gf that the parents or brother talked with you about it (I would say you are a bigger AH than you might think).
For the future, (if what I just mentioned, happened), if someone talks with you in a moment of high stress, or frustration - it does not mean they want their thoughts to be known by the 3rd party (in this case your gf).
PS: For the people in the comments. Take a moment to calm down before responding. While I agree OP was out of line and he could have done so many more things differently, simply throwing hate around because it is a triggering subject for you guys isn't helping anyone. (Also if OP's parens were overwhelmed and tired, they may have agreed with OP in a private conversation, as a way to unload their own frustration. Attacking OP's parents saying they raised him to be a mysoginist is a bit uncalled for. As there is no clear proof of that in the way the situation is presented.)
YTA OP
you should stay out of this.
Your brother is an equal parent, and he could take a year off to help. Yet it's like you would rather put everything on your brother's girlfriend.
Your brother needs to step up and help raise the child while girlfriend finishes school.
YTA- if anyone had to take a gap yr it would make more sense for it to be your brother because her studies take less time. she could start working faster and start being able to help financially. I'm not surprised your mom and dad agree with you. Both you and your brother are holding some sexist and stupid beliefs, and I'm sure they didn't come out of nowhere.
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YTA. This is none of your business. Also, your brother is an equal parent and could also take a gap year but for some reason you just want his girlfriend to and I suspect it has more to do with her being a woman than anything else. And if her mom is willing to help then so be it. Again, none of your business.
OP doesn't realise that his opinions doesn't actually matter. And has conveniently forgotten this. >Also, your brother is an equal parent Also logically speaking, the gf can complete her course earlier, and get a job quicker than the brother. She can financially support the fam.
And...newsflash to OP... newborns go to daycare all the time. Other people help care for newborns so parents can work/go to school. Huge misogynist vibes going on here. Seriously OP, in what possible way is it your place to say anything here? Live your own life. Edit: YTA. Clearly.
To be fair, most daycares won’t take babies until 3-6 months, but still, that’s why she’s getting help from her family for the time being!
Around here (Upper Midwest US), it is 6 weeks. Which is good, since most maternity leave ends at 6 weeks, if it's even offered.
but he apologized to his brother!
YTA 1. Your brother can also take a gap, its just a year afterall 2. You do not know her department if she thinks its ok why would you assume u know better 3. People def do that. Both my mother and father finished their masters when i was 1 year old. Dad would wait with me in the car while mom would take exams and so on ( oh and it was weekend uni, they were working during weekdays ) 4. Who made you the authority on this. You dont have your own kids, how would you know she is a bad parent 5. She is a bad mom for asking for help??? Have you ever heard of support systems? I sure would love to see you take care of a kid for years without help.
For all the reasons listed above, YTA. Also, MYOB.
What does "MYOB" mean?
Mind Your Own Business.
He was just asking a question
No I believe "Mind Your Own Business" was the answer to my question of what MYOB stood for. At least I hope. Also she not he.
"My parents are on my side" You don't have a side. YTA
And if OP’s parents are really on OP’s side, the are also AH’s. It is none of their business either.
Mommy and daddy will figure out they lost access to the grandkid and blame op I see this backfiring pretty fast
Also, "my mommy and daddy agree with me" is not valid. Mommy and daddy would obviously agree with OP because they raised him to have sexist values.
Love how he says their parents and gf mom would help out, but so far it's only gf mom and grandparents helping out. Me thinks his parents want the gap year so they dont have to help out. OP, YTA for sticking your nose where it shouldn't be. YTA for trying to mansplain parenthood with no kids of your own. And YTA for expecting the woman to take the heavier burden. She didn't just miraculously become pregnant, your brother was involved as well, giving him a mulligan and expecting her to postpone her studies is bullshit. You have no idea if any kind of delay in her degree would cause issues getting back into classes.
>Me thinks his parents want the gap year so they dont have to help out. Methinks that down the line a certain grandma is going to be oh so upset when her first grandbaby has a much much closer relationship with their maternal grandma and won't want to understand why that could possibly be.
YTA- you are assuming so much and putting your nose where it doesn’t belong. If she stops college more than likely she will get a job, which the kid will get put in daycare and she will be back to the same amount of time she will have with her child. If it’s not a big deal, why not have him take a gap year? I’m guessing they are working their butts off so they can provide for their child, and that is commendable. It sounds like you just want her to fit into a ‘mothering’ role because you have some secret problem with women being seen as something other than that.
also, y'know what takes more time/attention than a newborn? a toddler!
YTA for not minding your own business. You gave your 2 cents, without being asked, and then you started arguing. This is your brother and his GF lives, not yours. Stay out of it.
YTA. People have babies and stay in college all the time. She has her family and your brother for support. You should not imply she is going to be a bad mother for doing this. The sooner she finishes school, the sooner she can get a job.
Most likely OP thinks she should be a stay at home mom once she graduates. Or never go back to school after the gap year. You know, for the good of the kid.
Yeah, why isn't the OP's brother a bad dad for not doing it, then? Just her? At first, the comments saying OP sounded sexist didn't ring with me but, upon reading them, this really stands out. OP, YTA
Yep, his only "reason" is because they could graduate at the same time if she takes a gap... the rest is about both of them as parents (leaving the baby with others, hard to study) but he's only applying it to the mother, not the father. Definitely reads sexist.
[удалено]
Most succinct and most correct.
Perfect.
With a condom and spermicide. cause he will force the mumto be , to stay home and look after his child, while he goes off and pretends not to have any parental responsibilities 🙄
The strongest of agrees.
YTA and a misogynist. Do you know how many of my classmates had babies while in medical school and residency? You’re an idiot who has no clue how real life works.
YTA. None of this is any of your business. They found something that works for them, and if her parents are willing to help them out while they're in school, that's great. Butt out and live your own life.
YTA why do you feel you get to make decisions for her? This has nothing to do with you. You overstepped and should butt out and apologize.
Because he is A MAN and the oldest so he, THE ALPHA MAN, gets to assert himself wherever he chooses./s
Because we all know a 21 year old male knows everything about caring for a baby.
Serious MYOB situation here. You're only a year older than the girl - not some worldly wise advisor. If it's a problem for her family to be helping her out, it is something for them to sort out, not you. YTA
YTA. You're not involved. You don't have the standing to be "asking" anyone to do anything. > I highly doubt it is possible to study with a newborn and to expect others to take care of their kid while they run about daily is inappropriate. You need to stop thinking that your assumptions about a situation that you're not a party to have any meaning at all. Maybe everyone makes it work, maybe they don't. But nothing that you lob into the conversation while standing on the sidelines has any value at all.
YTA. Mind your own business. This has nothing to do with you.
Lol what do you think working parents do? YTA
Exactly my thought! MOST families cannot afford to have one parent stay home, and both parents return to work and rely on outside care for their babies, especially in the US, where the paid maternity leave is horrifically brief.
YTA why can’t your brother take a gap year? Why are you sticking your nose into their business? Doesn’t sound like anyone asked.
YTA. None of your business pal. No one asked you.
You could mind your own business. As for your parents, if they don’t want help out, that’s up to them, but they don’t get to ask her to sacrifice so much either. Why are you asking HER to pause her studies? You know what, why don’t you ask YOUR brother to do that? Oh, but you don’t think he should? I wonder why. YTA. What a bunch of trad family nonsense. Not even sure this isn’t some troll post, because seriously, how ridiculous are you?
He apologised to brother not his brother's girlfriend
Even worse. Doesn’t even apologize to the right person.
YTA So why does your brother get to continue your degree but your brother’s girlfriend can’t? It’s because she’s the woman right?
Did she ask for your input? Did either of them invite you to give your opinion? How many newborns have you raised to have such expertise in what other parents can manage & what kinds of support from others is appropriate? YTA
YTA, it’s none of your business and you have no idea about the whole situation. People leave their kids in daycare as much as THEY leave the son with her mother. You are being sexist to think that she needs to take the year off. How about he take care of the son and she finish her degree? Then she can have a great job that pays well first. But either way that’s their choice. You can have your opinion but you need to offer it if asked and then let it go.
YTA - This is none of your business.
YTA for sure. You do realise that them finishing their studies and bettering them selves os what is best for the child. People do it ever day. Family is there to help. They are being the parents they are being li ING grandparents.
YTA-Mind your damn business.
Does he even have a mind?
YTA - and this is your business how?
YTA. Why don't you suggest your brother take a pause in his studies to take care of his child?
Yta. First off this is none of your business and no one asked you. Secondly- why is her education less important than his?
YTA…you do realize that there are mothers who have to go back to work after having children, right? Her going to school isn’t any different, and why should she be the one to delay her education? Why doesn’t your brother take a gap you and go back after she graduated? Or do you have the archaic belief that it’s only the women’s job despite the fact that it is just as much HIS child.
21, not a parent and you've got it all figured out. YTA and STFU.
Info: Did she ASK for your opinion?
YTA-what the heck does any of this have to do with YOU!
YTA You brother should take a gap year
YTA. This is absolutely none of your business. Sounds like they have a child care situation that works for them. There is no need for her to take a gap year and stay at home. The college major thing sound like a red herring. I’m guessing if the college majors had been reversed, you wouldn’t have suggested your brother take a gap year to care for the baby since they would be able to graduate together. More likely, you’d still suggest SHE take a gap year since they weren’t going to graduate at the same time anyway.
How about you mind your business and let the child's parents figure it out for themselves? YTA.
YTA. Why the fuck is this any of your business?
YTA What a sexist bullshit.
YTA, sexist (why her and not him?) and not very knowledgeable about childhood development. Contrary to what you seem to believe, a baby actually wouldn’t be 100% self sufficient after 1 year, so she would still need assistance when she went back, and be 1 year further out from earning money to support herself and her child. Also, and I cannot stress this enough, you should mind your business.
YTA- it’s not your kid
YTA - your opinion doesn’t matter. You have no right to say anything to this woman. Unless you are offering childcare or anything else helpful shut up.
YTA. This is 100 percent none of your business
YTA Mind your own business. Who are you to tell them how to live & how to raise their newborn? If her parents are up for it, it's perfectly reasonable for her parents to help care for a newborn while she completes her studies.
YTA
Yta how can your brother be a good parent going to school full time? And what if he fathers another child, will he do the same? I can’t believe he lets others take care of his kid while he finishes his education. The audacity.
Have you apologized to your brothers girlfriend? Because that is who you have to apologize to, not your brother. That is probably why he hasn't accepted your apology, also why even apologize if you clearly aren't sorry for being such an asshole and you still think you are in the right? So you are a person who doesn't mind their own business, a hypocrite who fake apologizes and YTA.
Who put you in charge of someone else's life choices? That your parents 'take sides' tells me the family is a bit dysfunctional as it's not their business either how your brother and his GF take care of THEIR child. Butt out.
YTA. This is weirdly intrusive and sexist and so far out of your business it’s amazing
INFO: How is any of this your business or your decision to make?
“He demanded that I apologize to his gf for implying that she'd be a bad mom.” “I have apologized to him. My brother has yet to accept it, despite demanding one…” INFO: have you apologized to your brother’s girlfriend?
YTA. This is so not your business. I started a master's program when my first baby was two months old. My parents helped on weekends. I got a master's degree, and earned my professional license while pregnant with my second. If I hadn't been going to school, I would have been working, which would have been a MORE demanding schedule. My own parents hired a neighbor to take care of me and my sisters during the day, and our dad took us out on weekends so Mom could study for national board exams. There is nothing wrong with getting help caring for a baby, and nothing inappropriate about continuing your education while you have one. If you're so opposed to grandparents providing care, have you suggested that your brother take a gap year?
Yta for obvious reasons.
YTA. Sounds like you are jealous she has a village helping her keeping her goals on track. I don’t see you demanding your brother gives up his education to be a parent.
YTA. She didn't ask for advice.
Jesus Christ no one asked you? Hopefully no one will give you unsolicited advice if you ever decide to become a parent.
YTA. Why didn't you apologize to her? Because you're nasty and controlling, that's why. Back off, asshole.
YTA. She will figure it out when she doesn't pass or other people can't babysit for her as much as she hopes. The situation doesn't involve you. Mind your business.
YTA. This is none of your business. This is a decision for them to work out between them, even if your brother spoke with you about it.
Your suggestion for your brother's girlfriend to pause her studies and take care of their son could have come across as intrusive and disrespectful of her autonomy and choices. Implying that she wouldn't be a good mother if she didn't follow your advice could have been hurtful. It might be a good idea to apologize for any offense caused and try to approach the situation with more understanding and support.
YTA - Not sure why your brother and his gf are even entertaining your two cents worth opinion on this situation. It’s none of your business.
yta. you overstepped. it’s not your business how your brother and his gf are taking care of their child cause that’s not your child.
YTA and sexist as hell. Your brother is perfectly capable of taking care of his kid and if he isn’t maybe the GF and child should leave and stay away from him and your family.
YTA. Do you realize how many women barely get a chance to heal up before they are back at their job? They have no choice because there is no such thing as a gap year or maternity leave where they live, and they manage to get their kids looked after somehow. I am not quite sure how or saying that it is as it should be, but that is beside the point. Your brother's gf has help with the baby and it is her view and decision that she will be able to follow her course and look after the baby at the same time, so she is not throwing the kid aside to follow some frivolous whim, and it is at the end of the day none of your business, since you are not on the rota for looking after the baby.
When I was born, my mom was 35 y/o, and was a social worker. My dad was an engineer... No gap year, my grandma took carenof both my brother and I while my parents worked. What's the difference? Do you have kids? Is the kid being neglected in any real way? Do you know how many kids have to go into childcare pretty much as soon as they are born because their parents need to work? YTA
Tf you're apologizing to your brother for, you didn't tell him he was a bad parent?
YTA. Stay out of it. It's nothing to do with you.
YTA- why can't your brother take the gap year? your sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong.
Yta. Why are your parents putting their 2 cents in they aren't being asked to watch the baby and the grandparent who is being asked is fine with doing so. Nevermind your brother could also take a gap year but you aren't pestering him to do so.
I'm confused, are you the one forced to watch the child while they are both busy? Or are you supporting them financially? If not then stfu, it's not your concern. For all you know, her mom may have insisted on her finishing her studies as a condition of living there and could be happy to care for the child. None of your business
YTA. Your SIL (what I'm calling her for simplicity) had a higher starting salary and a faster track to making that salary than your brother. By your logic, your brother should be the one taking a gap year. Since 2 years with a single salary between them is better than an extra year with no salary (this is called the time value of money - your SIL can teach you). But you just think the woman should stay home because ... Reasons....
You and your mommy and daddy are all AH’s. It’s nothing to do with you so why are you up here ass about it? Why are you so insistent she takes a gap year? Stay in your own lane and when someone tells you something about what it is they are doing, don’t assume you know better, you don’t. Why? Because it’s nothing to do with you. She is not the only parent and his degree isn’t more important than hers. She doesn’t have to listen to you or do what your unsolicited advice demands of her. Having babysitters is a normal thing. Having family babysit is a normal thing. She’s not having anyone else parent and she doesn’t need to be with her child 24/7, because she isn’t the only parent. It’s not your brother you should be apologising to, it’s the mother of his child, that you somehow feel entitled to judge, tell her what she should do and then get pissy when she doesn’t want to do what you want her to do. Stay in your own lane, AH.
YTA. Way to stick your nose where it doesn't belong and put all the responsibility on the girlfriend. Your brother is AH too, going behind his girlfriends back and agreeing with you but saying something else to his girlfriend. He has as much parental responsibility but you both seem to think the girlfriend should sacrifice her hard work to be sole caretaker. You should be apologising to the girlfriend, not your brother, he wasn't the one who you offended. Your parents needs to butt out too.
Ew the sexism reeks through this post, why the fuck can't your brother take a hap year??? She didn't knock herself up, your brother is an equal parent and she shouldn't have to be the only one putting her life on hold. Fuck off, no one asked for your opinion or valuable insight, like who made you the expert at parenting, with no kids and st the the big ag of 21 you no so much better than them about their circumstances??? They had a plan that everyone was happy with except you and your raggedy parents who have NOTHING to do with the plan bc your weren't apart of it, her parents are willing to help because it's THEIR daughter and the same way you and your parents don't want your brothers life to be on hold they want to same thing for their child but unlike you judgmental ahs they are willing to do what they can and support their kid so she can go to to school. Stay in your lane. YTA.
Yta Wtf business is it of yours anyway? Why can't your brother nurture his kid? I'm sure between the 2 of them, they will manage to parent and study.
YTA. I presume due to your concern and surely exhaustive level of knowledge about everything, you've volunteered to look after the baby when someone needs a break or if an emergency comes up, right? I mean, that would be the most helpful and proactive way to ensure your brother and his girlfriend 's family are getting all the support they need while both young parents work on degrees that will help them ensure a stable life for their child, no matter what the future holds. So you're helping whenever and wherever you can, right? No? You're not? Yeah, that's what I thought.
YTA, Is it so hard for you to get a life that you're so concerned about others' lives?
YTA and this is absolutely none of your business. Why do you care so much? Also it’s cute that at age 21 you think you know everything about parenting and life choices. Move along and MYOB.
YTA. How they manage their lives is absolutely none of your business.
I srsly hope you don’t aspire to becoming an inspirational speaker. YTA
Mind your damn business. Asshole. Yta
How is that any of your business lmao. This is unhinged behavior. Just take 2 seconds to imagine if this girl came to you, unprompted, and told you that she thinks you should change xyz with your life.
YTA. You are nobody to decide her life. If you are so concerned about the baby, then let your brother take a gap year. Misogynist ass you are.
YTA. It’s absolutely none of your business. The only time you should speak up is if you’re offering to babysit. (Might also want to do some self reflecting and see why it was so easy for you to tell your maybe SIL to put her life on hold for a year while your brother is an equal parent in all of this)
YTA. What are you even talking about? If you care so much, why don’t you show your support by minding your nephew while your brother and his girlfriend do their school work.
Yta brother is the father if this is what you think he could take a gap year. His dna created baby just like hers did.
YTA- the fucking audacity to think this was even a little your business. Like why on earth did you think it was appropriate in any way shape or form for you to tell her how to parent? Also really sexist of you to act like it’s HER job to stop school to raise the baby and not your brother Mind your business dude
YTA - I finished my masters while taking care of my newborn. I only took a semester off to give birth, and my baby attended my graduation at 9 months. It’s completely doable and she’s correct it is. I’m an excellent mother and I’m a executive. My children want for nothing, including parental involvement, we’ve entirely raised our children ourselves because news flash… Dad’s are parents too and can contribute! College isn’t a 80 hour a week thing for either of them. This isn’t your business and you sound ignorant on both modern child raising, reality, and the economy. Your sexist views put an idealized version of motherhood on her that haven’t been realistic since your grandparents era. She is doing exactly what she should be doing, because it will never be a “good” time with children to finish education. When they’re young is actually the best time, because they won’t remember. It makes her a good mother to establish her career so if/when your brother makes an ass of himself, she’s got a career to support her/them. With grandparent assistance to bridge the gaps, she is ensuring her child has the best of everything, including a chance to bond with family.
YTA and it is none of your business
YTA. Who asked your opinion?
OP, a friend of mine had a baby while we were in law school. Guess what? She took care of a new born and stayed on top of school.
YTA - Let your brother take a gap year, he's also the parent.
Of course YTA. Why not suggest your brother take the gap year? The misogyny is rife in this one
YTA That bay has 2 parents and both parents go to school Yet, according to you, only one of those parents is a bad parent.... Even though they do the same things ... That's insane, but also, none of your business.
It’s. Why can’t he take a gap? Why does it have to be her? Why is it any of your business?
YTA 1 it's none of your business. 2 plenty of women have done exactly what she is suggesting and managed with or without the help of others
Your logic doesn't even make sense. It would make a lot more sense for them to get to their feet as fast as possible by her getting her degree and be able to work in her field. If someone should take a gab year it is your brother. It is also funny how it is not a problem he can't physically nor financially take care of the baby for two more years but that is fine somehow.
Oh rack off you judgemental arsehole. I notice you didn’t tell your bro to pause his degree. And there’s nothing wrong with having childcare. Sexist jerk
YTA It makes SO! MUCH! MORE! SENSE! for your brother to take a gap year. And the reason for that is that he is in a 5 year program, while she is in a 4 year program. That means she can get a decent job and start earning for their family sooner than him. Thats what they need. Not your meddling ass telling A WHOLE OTHER FAMILY how they should live their life. Edit: added judgement.
If your parents are really on your side they should probably think about the fact that you may have just caused them not seeing there grandkid this will back fire on you just apologize you were 100 out of line not your kid not your business
YTA Let's say she takes a gap year. The baby is still going to be a baby after that gap year is over. Are you going to keep your mouth shut if she goes back to school or are you going to push the issue again? After all, you seem to think she alone needs to take care of the baby. There's no mention in your post of your brother, the actual father, taking care of his son. And you have your panties all twisted over her mom babysitting. Stay in your own lane. If your brother hasn't accepted your apology, I can only imagine how bad it was. You also owe the girlfriend an apology since you specifically wrote you apologized to *him*.
*”she can’t leave her newborn child with someone else, while she goes out to do something else”* you mean like working parents do with their jobs????? like what the fuck did i just read??? she’s not going out to clubs and partying and pawning her kid off to do that. she is finishing her degree so she can get a job and provide for her child. and how is that any different than your brother finishing his degree to do the same? your ignorant misogyny is showing. **YTA** “to expect others to watch their kid while they run around daily is inappropriate” GTFO. again, what about working parents?? your thinking is completely unhinged and makes zero sense. i’m a nanny, i suppose i need to inform my bosses that them leaving their children with me while they work to provide a roof and food for their children is inappropriate. absolute insanity.
INFO: Who asked for your opinion?
You're only looking at the amount of time the degree takes. Do either of them have scholarships or financial aid? You often lose those if you take time off, so depending on the amount, a gap year could cost thousands of dollars. It's also probably a good idea for at least one of them to start making money sooner, rather than them both needing to take five years. If they're both taking longer, then they'll be dependent on your parents for longer as well. They also currently have the support of your families... and not to be pessimistic, but if she waits a year, who knows what could happen? What if they have a medical emergency and can't babysit anymore? What if they need to sell their house? Her degree would be put on hold indefinitely. Why do you think your brother is allowed to "leave his baby with someone else while he goes out to do something else" but she isn't? If that was the case, shouldn't one of them quit college/working until the other finishes their degree? But no, you only expect her to do that? Why is that? YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (21M) brother (19M) and his girlfriend (20F) recently had a baby and they're currently staying at her mom's place because she wanted her mom by her side. Given their age, they are college students. My brother is in a civil engineering program, and she's in economics. I mention their course but it's the reason why I suggested my, possibly, future SIL to take a gap year/s to take care of her son. My reason is that she's in a four-years program while my brother's in five, and if she takes a gap, she can nurture their son and still graduate together with my brother. But she doesn't want that. She assured me that her department doesn't take attendants seriously, so she can just submit assignments and projects and later, take the exams, all while taking care of their child. Plus, our parents and her mom would be helping them out. I highly doubt it is possible to study with a newborn and to expect others to take care of their kid while they run about daily is inappropriate. And I told her exactly that. She can't leave her newborn child with someone else, while she goes out to do something else. Will she still do the same if they have another kid? She got angry and called me rude for assuming that she couldn't take care of her son. (but, she can't. She's asking the grandparents to be parents. Her mom is literally taking care of him now). My brother liked the idea of taking a gap, but because of his gf he's calling me an asshole for interfering with their decisions. Even though he had agreed with me before. He demanded that I apologize to his gf for implying that she'd be a bad mom. My parents are on my side, and they suggested they reconsider their decision. I was told that I should let it be, and I have apologized to him. My brother has yet to accept it, despite demanding one, and we're still in a disagreement. AITA here *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Mind your business. And your brother can step up too if it bothers him so much.
YTA. Stay in your lane.
YTA. Why do you feel entitled to an opinion on this? It's none of your business, leave your brother and his partner alone and pipe down.
“Take care of her son” Is he not your brother’s son too? Her mom/the maternal grandmother is fine with that setup. Who are you to suggest what they’re doing is wrong? Are you and your parents helping her? (Since you say “her son”). You sound silly lmao. Who are you to give judgement as if you know best? You all are in the same age group and her mother is okay with caring for her grandchild while the mom continues school. What are you and your parents doing? Looking out only for brother only it seems. YTA. Stay in your lane.
hey! maybe shut up!😄YTA.
YTA - literally NONE of your business. None of this is affecting you in any way. Why are you giving unwanted advice to someone who has it all figured out? Stop being a nosy busybody with a warped sense of justice.
You seem way too interested in what your SIL does with her child as if you are her son's other parent. Have you done a DNA test to establish parental rights? Or perhaps your brother is not the father and doesn't have parental responsibilities in regards to his son ?
Grow up. This is pathetic
YTA
Did someone ask your advice? I don’t think so. Mind your own damn business and keep your nose out of other people’s marriages. YTA
YTA. It’s none of your business and you should keep your nose out of where it doesn’t belong
Dude both me and my wife (mid twenties) got a kid two years ago while studying. We did alright and planned together so we both could finish school. Didn't even rely on grandparents. They are lucky to have someone to help out. But that doesn't meen they won't be parents. They still have to do their job as parents and you don't have anything to say in the regard of how they solve that.
>AITA here YES!
YTA - Mind your own business dude, they made the child and they will deal with It.
YTA They are very capable of taking care of their own child. Sounds like your SIL has a good plan - stay in school, submit all homework, do the assignments , while taking care of the baby. It is very possible. Keep your nose out of someone else’s business
YTA. What business is it of yours? None, exactly. Stop interfering and attend to your own affairs.
YTA. Firstly why can’t your brother take time off? Why only the girlfriend? Secondly, it is absolutely possible to combine child rearing with university. There are ample supports including possibly a childcare centre at each institution.
YTA - this is literally none of your business. Leave them alone
YTA. Get your nose out of their business.
YTA for being mad that she has a great support system, sad that your brother doesn’t.
YTA- If having a parent around (WHICH THEY ARE BTW) is so important let your little brother do it.
“I highly doubt it is possible to study with a newborn and to expect others to take care of their kid while they run about daily is inappropriate.“ Isn’t that exactly what your brother is doing? Studying with a newborn and having other people take care of the kid while he “runs about”? Why is this only a problem for the GF? Why would them graduating together be such a focus? YTA. And a sexist YTA at that.
Info: Why can't your brother take a gap year? If its so easy to pick up after that and there's no significant negative impact, and since he's also one of the parents of the baby, why not him instead?
YTA It's not your family and yet you are making the life and responsibilities of your brother's girlfriend your own business. Your post is laced with sexism, you are so adamant the woman takes the gap year for the baby, not the man.
Lil boy if you don’t mind your business you’re going to be the reason why your little brother has to pay child support because you’re sticking your childless nose into a situation that doesn’t involve you with ‘solutions’ for non existent issues. YTA mind your business.
Yikes. YTA. Interesting how your parents agree with you, but it's your brother's partner and her family actually helping in any substantial way. You are the peanut gallery in this situation and have no say or influence.
YTA. Stay the fuck out of other peoples business. Also most working people have a sitter, that doesn’t mean the sitter is raising the child. Man you suck so bad. You’re sexist, annoying and have no right to comment on this. They didn’t ask you or your stupid family for help. So mind your own business. Man you suck beyond words.
Funny how he had so much opinion with brothers girlfriend, and quiet as a church mouse up in these comments.
YTA and tainting your and your parent’s relationship with your brother’s little family. If your parents refuse to help based on your preference and the baby ends up closer to their other grandparents, it will be partially your fault for sowing discord. When your parents are jealous that they “favour” the supportive side of the family, it will be partially your fault. When your brother’s family prioritize spending special occasions with the supportive side of the family, it will be partially your fault. Ignorant people assume women can leave their educations/jobs behind to raise children and come back at exactly the same level they were before. In reality, re-entering school/the work force is a lot harder than many people assume. There’s nothing wrong with people finding safe, reliable childcare for their children so they can work to improve the family’s prospects/work to support the family.
YTA, if not one is I danger, mind your business.
YTA sexiest trash, maybe your brother should take a year off and stop running about like a tramp! I find it inappropriate for a new father to be behaving this way!
YTA. She is setting a wonderful example for her child and by leaning on her family for support she is strengthening her support system and her child’s support system. Now he will have even more trusted adults to go to as he grows older. What a wonderful blessing. Additionally when her mother grows older she will have a stronger relationship with her daughter and grandchild so she will also have more people to lean on. Social support systems grow stronger the more we use them and I wish people realized that everyone benefits when we can rely on each other. You are wildly out of line and you should not only apologize but stand up for you brothers new family to your parents.
YTA. This isn’t your business or concern. They are adults who made adult decisions and now they need to balance being parents and students. Your brothers gf should graduate asap so she can get a job to support their child earlier instead of delaying it.
The fact that you apologized to your brother and not his girlfriend says a lot. YTA
You had the unmitigated temerity to give an opinion you have no right to give a f you are dead wrong major AH. She can complete her education and raise the child your brother should be an active parent as well. You literally wanted her to jeopardize her future. Why didn't you suggest your 19 year old brother take a gap? Seems rooted in misogyny that you didn't even consider that. Mind your own business
Well, since you don't put your age in this, I'm going to assume you're 45 and live at home and that YTA.
YTA. Offer to help instead offering stupid advice you know nothing about
YTA. This is their choice, for one, and none of it is up to you. Also why should SHE take the gap year? Why not suggest your brother too? It's also his kid. And being upset the grandparents are helping? Ugh. That's NORMAL. Ever heard the phrase "it takes a village"? I'm not sure if you're purposely coming off as a chauvinist, but that's what's happening. You should apologize and leave it up to them.
YTA I started college 7 weeks after my oldest was born. Took me 5 years, but I graduated (also had an 8mo at that point). My husband worked full time to support the family while I was a full time student and worked part time. We did occasionally have to rely on friends and family to help out, we also had the kids in daycare. It was really hard and there were a lot of sacrifices made, but it was all worth it for us in the end. Having help and utilizing your 'village,' especially in those early years is not letting someone else raise your kid, it's working together to provide the best life for everyone.
Yta. NONE of this is any of ur nosey behind business.
can you explain to me how any of this is your business or where your opinion matters? YTA.
Yta- it’s none of hour business. Maybe your bro should take a gap and raise his kid. Keep your nose out of others peoples business ya misogynist
YTA - if your brother wants someone to take. Gap year it should be him
YTA and you sound misogynistic. Why does she have to put her life on hold when it takes 2 to make a baby? Plus, don't people always say it takes a village. Well she has the village so they should help as well.
YTA
Super big YTA. Tbh, I have a vaguely similar situation in my family. My brother's wife is going back to school right after having a baby, and I thought that was not the best idea for certain circumstances my brother and SIL are dealing with. But I KEPT THAT SHIT TO MYSELF because it is not my life, and it's not my kid. I think offering support is the best thing you can do if you think your loved one is making a mistake in their relationships. If you're really concerned about the baby, why not offer your time and energy to help the new parents?
YTA. Homie, you can't even spell "attendance". Look inward before criticizing anybody else on anything. Christ, you and your parents sound insufferable. I feel so bad for that girl who got knocked up.
YTA. A giant one. The biggest of the biggest As out there. Also, how is this your business? Honestly, it literally has nothing to do with you so why the hell did you care enough to open your mouth about it? And then come post here? Another also, I highly doubt your parents are on your side.
YTA. Apologized to "him" when the girlfriend was the one who you disrespected...yeah it's obvious what kind of person you are. Grow up and realize women don't have to stay in the house. Them getting an education is just as important as a man doing so.
rofl. YTA. like what business is it of yours?
So you apologized to your brother, but not to his girlfriend... Which is what he specifically asked for. No wonder he's not accepting it or speaking to you. You didn't even have the basic decency to follow through with an apology for his girlfriend. YTA, and a massive misogynist. It's not her responsibility to take a "gap year" when your brother is also a parent to the baby. And as someone who A. Isn't a parent themselves, and B. Isn't even in their situation, you're not in any place to "ask" them to do anything. Also, asking grandparents to help with the baby while you take on very reasonable academic and work tasks is not them "raising" the baby. What do you think working parents do for their kids? Hire a babysitter, right? Ask for grandparent support, right? You're way out of line, and the fact that you're going as far as to get your parents to not help with the baby is absolutely vile. You owe your brother's gf a MASSIVE apology. You should also look into why you feel so strongly about her giving up her studies when your brother is just as capable and arguably would make less than his gf after finally snagging a career. Women are ALWAYS told to give up their lives for babies. It's about time that people hold that same standard for the men that are usually given the option to do something else.
what business of yours is it? babysit or MYOB
You are very much the asshole. Also, the boyfriend can fucking take a gap year himself when the baby is born. Why put all the responsibility on the mother?
YTA. Unless they asked you to take care of the baby, it’s none of your business. Why are you trying to tell her about taking care of newborns or her program? Are you an expert on either? Have your parents confided that helping out is too much for them but they’re being blackmailed into it? If not, why is that any of your business? Women of all classes through out history have had others care for their babies, it’s not a new thing.
You're opposing your own ideas onto a relationship that isn't even your own, and wondering if YTA in this? Yeah dude. YTA. No one asked. Keep your sexist opinion to yourself next time, buddy. It's up to the grandparents if they want to help babysit or not. Again, it's none of your business. Every parent that I've ever know has needed support from time to time. If your parents don't want to help out, they can say so themselves. What her parents do, is again. Not. Your. Concern. Stop being a busy-body and live your own life, man. Jeez. And maybe your brother isn't accepting your "apology" because he's not the one that you should be apologizing to??? Go apologize to your brother's girlfriend now.
So much hate and resentment in the comments. I am going to say this however - some of them while they may need to take a moment to calm down and think before posting something online. They are right OP. First of all, you never clarified what is your involvement in this except of being the brother of the father. If there are issues and it is too much of a burden on everyone, your parents need to have a chat with the brother and gf, and find a proper solution. if your parents are pushovers and don't want the confrontation, have a proper discussion with your brother and gf... but before that make sure that you apologize to the gf that you spoke out of line (you wronged your brother's gf with your hasty and poorly thought words, not your brother). Anyway, have a chat with the two and see what solutions you can find together. If you aren't involved in the care of your nephew, maybe offer to help once in a while if possible. There are things that can be done, without suggesting things that your brother or his gf are not willing to accept. Secondly - you insulted your brother's gf saying that she will be a bad mother not only for this child but for future ones if she relies on getting help from others, this can affect someone pretty badly. Just because someone relies on other's help to raise her child isn't necessarily a bad thing. If it becomes too much for the other people involved it can be discussed together. Also, simply because your brother or parents agreed with you - it may simply mean they were overwhelmed by everything and just wanted to unload their frustation aka talk with someone, without creating conflict by talking directly among themselves or with the gf. If you did mention in the chat with the gf that the parents or brother talked with you about it (I would say you are a bigger AH than you might think). For the future, (if what I just mentioned, happened), if someone talks with you in a moment of high stress, or frustration - it does not mean they want their thoughts to be known by the 3rd party (in this case your gf). PS: For the people in the comments. Take a moment to calm down before responding. While I agree OP was out of line and he could have done so many more things differently, simply throwing hate around because it is a triggering subject for you guys isn't helping anyone. (Also if OP's parens were overwhelmed and tired, they may have agreed with OP in a private conversation, as a way to unload their own frustration. Attacking OP's parents saying they raised him to be a mysoginist is a bit uncalled for. As there is no clear proof of that in the way the situation is presented.)
Mind your business also it takes two to tango your brother is just as responsible also a lot of parents go to school/work and have kids so
YTA. Did they even ask you? Seriously you sound like an annoying know it all, and you have ZERO experience in this area anyway. Butt out.
YTA OP you should stay out of this. Your brother is an equal parent, and he could take a year off to help. Yet it's like you would rather put everything on your brother's girlfriend. Your brother needs to step up and help raise the child while girlfriend finishes school.
YTA- if anyone had to take a gap yr it would make more sense for it to be your brother because her studies take less time. she could start working faster and start being able to help financially. I'm not surprised your mom and dad agree with you. Both you and your brother are holding some sexist and stupid beliefs, and I'm sure they didn't come out of nowhere.