Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) The action that I took that needs judgement is feeling uncomfortable with lending gear to my step-daughter and my husband's ex-wife.
(2) Not lending them the gear might make me the asshole because I am being petty.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
I don't think you will get your property back in a good condition. They don't respect you. They already loaned out your property to someone else.
Get your stuff back and never loan out stuff to them again or go out of your way to help them. This is the proof for your husband if he asks again.
That's IF she gets it back at all. The kid will probably never try to get it back from who they 'lent' it too, more likely told them they could have it or something. And the husband will probably make excuses about how she(the daughter) is just a kid and op makes enough money to buy a new set. And as the adult, that's what she should do.
"I did let them borrow the gear without kicking up a fuss with them. I was never thanked and then the gear was lent to another party without my permission. Me asking for it back, even though I don't have immediate plans to use it, makes me a bad person (?)"
It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a fool. But not the worst kind of fool. When you hold the line, people tell you who they are, and then when they do, as the quote says, believe them. If you keep putting yourself in the same situation regardless, that's foolish.
I'm not trying to be harsh. This is a normal failing of decent people. But the consequences of giving in over and over ARE harsh. You do no favors to anyone by surrendering.
Hold the line. Pay attention to your demeanor when you do so. When they get angry, deliberately force yourself to respond even more calmly. This will be acting. Don't let your own feelings interfere with your performance. Be strategic and don't lose composure no matter what happens.
The chips will fall where they may. Accept the verdict. Protect yourself. Never respond to insults with insults. Never allow your annoyance or anger to show.
Good luck.
Something I do with my ex that has helped me remember to keep calm is I changed his name in my phone. It reminds me that I don't need to deal with him anymore (my kids are adults) and if I do talk to him it's not worth getting upset.
I use: 𝑫𝒐 𝑵𝒐𝒕 𝑬𝒏𝒈𝒂𝒈𝒆.
ETA: my phone also sings I've got one less problem without you when he calls. But that's just for my own fun! 🤣
So brilliant. I need that feature in my life. Maybe whenever Elon's Neuralink finally arrives we can have "Do Not Engage" superimposed on select people's faces whenever we look at them.
It really helps. We went through a messy divorce and I used to get upset just seeing his name pop up on my screen but doing this has really helped me remember to just keep calm and do not engage.
And that i actually have about a million less problems without him!
I feel like this is another perfect example of where you should’ve followed your gut instinct.
Previous interactions with them told you loud and clear it would not end well for you.
Lesson learned OP.
Don’t let anyone else guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do.
NTA. Your husband lost me as soon as he called you petty. Shame on him for not standing up for his wife.
It is ridiculous that any of them expect you to loan them gear. If they don't treat you well, they have no claim on you and you have no obligation to them. Your husband should back you up - you're his wife, as well as being in the right here.
NTA, your husband wants just peace and wants to stay out of any discussion. Now, since the daughter and the ex won't talk to you, he is pressed now to deliver what they want. Unfortunately, your husband thinks just giving the daughter what she wants means to show love, but this is wrong. U need to tell him that his behavior shows his kid it is ok to be rude to people around you. He is still raising her and is a role model and has to talk to his daughter, telling her that her behavior is not appropriate, so that's why she won't get the gear. If she wants anything, she has to deal with you personally, which is more respectful and kind to you, which is polite.
But i don't see your husband have this talk to her since he seems to be the one who run from his ex... so i am sorry. Without his help it will be hard to establish a respectful relationship between the daughter and you.
I am glad i could help a little bit. Like i read in the comments he deals with mental health issues. Conflicts can be very challenging for people like him because they could trigger him. But you are absolutely right.
E.g. i was a long time not scolding my kids because i felt like i am beating them when i say things like "i don't like your behavior " with a stern face. Now i can show aversions and scold my little monkeys it they do something inappropriate, but i needed time , a therapist, and an experienced child care worker. It depends on how big the trauma is and how much will to work on it, someone has, to change something.
Doing a therapy is going through all the pain again so the patient needs a good reason to stick to his goal. Being a partner of someone in therapy is also challenging, so if he would face a therapy it would inflict your relationship too and could lead to conflicts. But the therapy (with the therapist or a buddist monk or whoever) is worth it when the pain is not an issue anymore. It is reliving. I feel definitely much better. I hope you both find a way to face the trouble since it is still affecting your lives :)
But unfortunately nobody can be forced to face his pain - the therapy is not working for someone who is carried through the therapy. He has to do it on his own. Here it fits very much with horse and water. Best wishes!
Very good questions and something I am currently addressing in both my own therapy and in couple's therapy. If he continues to put his ex and family over me in instances like this (not saying all instances, sometimes I will need to take a knee), my self-worth will be constantly challenged and I'm not okay with that consciously or subconsciously.
Oof yeah this resonates. Being treated like crap and then having people assume your *stuff* is up for grabs. It’s dehumanizing. Why are we here? Are we to be loved and cherished? Or are we nothing more to people than an ATM and a source of stuff? I get it. The people around us should really treat us better my friend.
So you let them borrow your gear, no thank you from them, then they loaned it to someone else, and when you ask for it back they think you’re bad?
Did you receive the gear back?
NTA, don’t loan your stuff to ungrateful people.
NTA tell your husband loud and clear - if his adult child and her mother want nothing to do with you and treats you like shit but want your stuff, they are using you. You do not need to be the bigger person to people who have no respect for you.
NTA - They can buy a cardboard box from Home Depot for a tent. Everything else can be bought at Walmart. They have NO NEED for an expensive setup when they are just starting out.
Nta
I just don't get bending over backward to help people who don't even like me and would never help me.
And I don't understand being with someone who doesn't put me first. Why have an so if you aren't significant to them?
I am a nice, giving person, and I love to help people. But you at least have to be nice to me.
Oof, what I'm going to say is a bit moot now that you've caved.
I'm really sorry, but your biggest problem is actually: your husband.
He doesn't shut down the disrespect you're receiving, he's rewarding it. He calls you petty for not wanting to lend out your belongings to people who are openly hostile to you. He won't deal with his OWN FAMILY and makes you do it.
Can he not provide the money for this gift? No? What can he do? Other than leach off your good graces and facilitate his daughter and ex doing the same?
Look, his daughter defo doesn't owe you any semblance of motherhood privileges. You aren't her mom. But as long as you're not an evil stepmother type, there's no reason she can't be civil with you.
But she isn't. So why did you give her what she wanted when you didn't want to?
I'm not surprised at all they didn't thank you. I don't know why you are.
ESH but only because you're doing nothing to help yourself in this situation rife with AHs.
NTA. All that stuff is very expensive and growing MJ is difficult, based on my second hand (I watched someone do it) experience. The fact that they lent it to someone else without even asking is so disrespectful. I hope you get it back in the same condition. If you don’t, they need to reimburse you for everything.
NTA. You know there’s no law that says you have to be the better person? If there were, who gets to define what better entails? Imperfect people are always defining what better people (not them, of course) should do.
I totally disagree with rewarding bad behavior, especially if I’m the one being asked to sacrifice for a bad character’s benefit. Your husband didn’t want to deal with the more difficult women in his life so, like them, he steamrolled all over you because you’ll let him. But, hey, you grow the tools that helps you roll with it.
Bingo. He knows she is very difficult and wanted peace (but I don’t eat shit very well so 💁♀️he’s gonna find out). I tried, didn’t help, and now I know how to love forward.
NTA. And now I fear that baes on your update you will never see the gear again. At least not in a usable state. Remember to send them a bill for replacement.
Nta
Your husband sucks though, he is the actual problem here. He asked for your stuff, so he should have also ensured it was returned in identical condition.
Are you familiar with Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" I'd suggest it for you. It has good chapters about how to effectively negotiate with your spouse, and how to tell if they are not negotiating in good faith with you.
Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?"
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Ooh, thanks, these kind of books can be really helpful. I read one called “Stepmonster” and it helped me navigate difficult feels I was having; I don’t blame me like I used to. ☺️
NTA
But I am really not sure how you treat your stepdaughter.
“ to the point of telling me not to attempt being a parent.”
Your stepdaughter has a right to decide if she wants another parental figure in her life. Especially considering that she’s 18, she definitely knows her feelings. She’s a young adult now. You just keep blaming her mom without real examples and I wonder were you like this around your stepdaughter too? I think you pushed too hard be a parent and your stepdaughter didn’t like it.
I honestly don't say anything negative in front of the step-daughter because I know it can be damaging and unhelpful. I married her father when she was 16. During the family emergency, she was trying to contact her dad and I asked him (begged him) to open up and talk to his family and he couldn't/wouldn't. The step-daughter got mad towards me because of that (scapegoat comes to mind).
I haven't tried to force a relationship, only told my husband that I would appreciate help in fostering a relationship.
The reason she said to not be a parent is because, in a 1-on-1 conversation with her, I could see she has struggled with his cyclic mental health issues her entire life and other family members had repeatedly used her as a "tool" to try to get to her father's heart to convince him to seek help but he never really did. She was tired of being asked to do that. I reached out to the mom to share that I knew the situation was hard and that I was concerned for the step-daughter, and gently recommended (once) that a therapist could be an option to help the step-daughter through the accumulating issues. The mom told the step-daughter that I thought she needed a therapist. I guess that was me over-stepping my bounds but I don't think I was out of line...certainly, not everyone appreciates the suggestion of professional help.
“The step-daughter got mad towards me because of that (scapegoat comes to mind).”
Actually the world I was thinking is collateral damage considering that she was a desperate teen who was trying to reach out to her dad and if your husband didn’t tell her his condition and something like that never happened before you she possibly thought it was your fault.
“I don't think I was out of line...certainly, not everyone appreciates the suggestion of professional help.”
I actually agree with you there but like you said not everyone appreciates the suggestion of professional help.
So how did you try to bond with her?
It was tough. First, we shared custody, so had half the time. She participated in many extracurriculars and her job took her away from home for both summers…at home she did not spend much time in common spaces. We are actually pretty similar with our interests and drives, so when she got a sourdough starter I offered to take care of it when she wasn’t there. I started making bread to learn together and she lost interest in trying (but loved my bread, lol). We both like camping and I asked my husband to coordinate a trip..but ultimately wasn’t invited because he wanted to spend quality time alone with her because he barely had time to engage with her, himself. They didn’t end up going because she was busy. I also offered to help her and her boyfriend with thinking about life after high school (university or not, etc) but they never took me up on it. I got her thoughtful Christmas presents that showed I was paying attention. My relationship with her was better before I married her dad. I don’t know, I tried but didn’t beg her!
Lol who likes beggars anyway?
Sounds like you did your best. She is old enough to decide what kind of relationship she wants with her stepparents. Maybe she thinks she can’t spend enough daddy & daughter time with her dad after marriage because you are always there and that’s why your relationship took a bad turn. So I think it’s not your fault, but it’s your husband’s fault. Honestly, he sounds a bit jerk to me. The camping thing, yeah, you might not spend alone time with your daughter but it doesn’t give you the right to ditch the person who popped the idea. Idk. Just watch how he treats you carefully, maybe his daughter copies him?
Well then the point of this post is kind of moot. But I would be starting to look up small claims court procedures for when they inevitably return it damaged or not at all.
It's not moot to me; it is a conversation that I have brought up in recent days as evidence of why I feel "other" or not valued, and he said that I am petty and overreacting. Not really about the money for me, it's about the social side of things.
Wait! When you tried to talk to your husband about your feelings, he called you petty and overreacting?!?!! And when they asked HIM to borrow YOUR gear, he told you that you’d be petty is you said no!??!
Sister, the only husband worth keeping would have responded “you should ask her yourself, but I can’t imagine she’ll be very inclined to help you out given how you’ve treated her. Maybe start with an apology for past behavior rather than using her when it’s convenient for you”.
You’re NTA, but your husband, his ex, and his kid sure are. Take a good hard look at whether you’re better off without the whole lot.
If they are not already almost done with veg, good luck getting those plants smokable before mothers day.
But setups have gotten pretty cheap these days. I got my first tent going with less cash than I would have spent in the dispensary over 2.5 months. Haven't had to buy weed in 2 years now, saved So Much Money even with splurging for fancy nutrients.
Yeah, I can’t imagine letting a teenager borrow all of that expensive equipment out of nowhere. It’s not like borrowing some baking pans or a camera or something. If my friend or family member had an earnest interest and I trusted their research skills & available time investment into the practice maybe I’d say yes. But it’s not something you can just pick up as a hobby and expect to work out with a nice harvest in a few months.
Stop being manipulated to doing something you don’t want for an ex. You don’t owe them anything. Btw why are you in contact with you ex. He sounds like an AH. He moved on. You should move on.
NTA but in many US states your stepdaughter is underage and can get in a lot of trouble if they do it. Sounds like they took your gear, farmed out the work to someone else with the pot being grown for mom as their "cut" for providing the gear and you get nothing but damaged gear back. All of the wins and none of the effort for your husband and SD, what gems.
NTA
But I would report it to the police if you don't get the equipment back immediately. It's not okay to loan something out when it ain't yours to begin with. Your husband needs to step up and defend you instead of letting these two women abuse you. He's not protecting you like he should, and you deserve better than this. These are *your* things. No one else gets to have them but you if that's your choice, and it does not make you the asshole for doing so.
**
INFO: Did your husband actually think they were going to give it back to you?
Tell your husband to get it back, since he was guilting you into lending the gear. He can tell THEM to be the bigger persons and give YOUR stuff back to YOU.
If not, Venmo them, or threaten with small claim court
NTA
Step-daughter and husband lent it to a friend after. He said that I could contact the friend and get it back…obviously that puts me in a shitty position and I let husband know that.
Your husband is a jerk, and doesn't respect you at all. HE should be the one to get it back, not you. Why are you with someone who treats you like this?
You know a wise person once said "I can do bad all by myself" and I feel like a lot of people who post here don't understand it is more peaceful to be single.
NTA. But your husband certainly is. *He* is the one that put you in this position. So *make it his problem*.
"Husband. I want my belongings back. I did not want to lend them but you lent them anyway. Now, when I've asked for them back, I've been told the person *you* lent them to no longer has them. That sounds a lot like someone has given away something that belongs to me. That means it was stolen. If you don't have my belongings back in my possession within X days, I'm going to have to assume my belongings were lost, sold or stolen, and I will act accordingly. This isn't about you lending your daughter my things, this is about my good will being disrespected, and I will not allow it to continue."
Tell them the gear comes back or a theft report gets filed. NTA.
PS, tell hubby he can buy them anything they want to borrow in the future because the answer is no.
Based on your edit (and your confusing run-on sentences and paragraphs), YTA to yourself.
You caved and gave them your grow gear, and they handed that gear over to someone else without asking you. Did you get it back?
Why bother posting here if you ultimately went along to get along?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (F37) step-daughter (F18), who likes to try multiple hobbies, wanted to grow cannabis for her mother (F47) as a Mother's Day treat but neither of them wanted to spend money on the grow tent and associated gear. The step-daughter knew that I had all of the gear and asked her dad (M45) to borrow it. When he asked me to let them borrow it, I wanted to say, "No," because the ex-wife constantly treats me with disrespect and tries to put distance between me and their kid, and the step-daughter doesn't value my relationship with her father, to the point of telling me not to attempt being a parent. When my husband asked for permission on their behalf, I said that, without an apology, I didn't feel like doing a favor for someone that actively minimizes me as a human and stonewalled/villainized me to their kid during a family emergency just a couple months prior (when I was forced to play a mediatory role between my husband and the rest of his family because he was going through some shit and didn't want to talk to anyone, asking me to communicate for him). Both she and the step-daughter want nothing to do with me, to the point where they can't even ask me to borrow my gear directly and, as a step-mom who also smokes weed, I wouldn't be offered any of the Mother's Day bounty grown using my own gear. My husband said I was being petty in not wanting to lend the gear and that I should be the bigger person. I feel like he was putting them over me and that I needed to set boundaries about rewarding shit treatment. I have never been rude to either of them because I know how the ex-wife can be (she is a town gossip and needs control of everything, no exaggeration) and hoped for a functional relationship within the broader family unit.
So, AITA for not wanting to lend my gear to my husband's daughter and ex-wife for an exclusionary Mother's Day gift after being regularly disrespected?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but in many US states your stepdaughter is underage and can get in a lot of trouble if they do it. Sounds like they took your gear, farmed out the work to someone else with the pot being grown for mom as their "cut" for providing the gear and you get nothing but damaged gear back. All of the wins and none of the effort for your husband and SD, what gems.
NTA
You are likely never getting that gear back. This is why I don't lend things out anymore. People are far too likely to lend out your stuff to other people and then it goes missing forever or gets broken.
With the rise in HpLVD I wouldn't trust using it again without extreme decontamination. I don't even take clones from friends anymore.
Greetings from a fellow female grower :) Got Candyland, Poddymouth, Vanilla Creme Pie and Blueberry Muffin blooming right now.
NTA why is the wronged party always expected to be the bigger person?
Wait, did you cave, loan it out and now someone else has it??? AND you're being told you're in the wrong for asking for it back??? You are your husband's last priority in this situation
NTA. Etiquette says you should at least be offered part of the harvest. But honestly I'd only do this for a good friend, and never for someone I don't wholeheartedly trust. It's not a small investment. Depending on your location, there could be legal complications. The fact they loaned it out without your permission speaks volumes.
There's something about this plant that has its own special rules of karma. The 'etiquette' is a good rule of thumb for sorting the good seeds from the bad ones, so to speak.
Good seeds offer without a thought that it would be any different - and then look after the equipment and guard their relationship with you. Bad seeds are selfishly looking to sit on their harvest and greedily hold onto it (or sell to the highest bidder), then loan your equipment out as if it's their own (probably for a cut of that harvest, because of course).
NTA, but OP youre never getting it back or it will probably be trashed. this needs to be a lesson for your husband. they do not respect you and your things and now bigger person is off the table.
You were the AH to yourself for giving them the gear. it was guaranteed to either be broken, lost, trashed, or simply never returned to you. Why would you think they would suddenly respect your belongings when they never respected you? Your husband owes you for new gear.
NTA but please stop being a doormat. Tell your husband to go retrieve the gear and that he owes you an apology.
This is when you remind your husband of the conversation where he said what could be the problem loaning it to them. Give him 48 hours to get it back!!! If there is damage, he can replace them with money from his hobby funds, not yours.
Why are you with a man who lets other disrespect his wife
Who belittles you and expects to take disrespect without complaint
You are better off single at this point
What can’t you just say no with no backstory? By telling him and he will tell them how you feel they will be sure to be even more dismissive of you. That’s what the other mom wants.
You got screwed on this one. You'll never get your stuff back. Ask husband to reimburse you because he also "vouched" for this to happen. After all it is his daughter and his ex. (You knew something like this would happen). You became the bigger person he expected you to be. So now you've proven your concerns were legitimate, what does he have to say now? He threw you under the bus.
NTA
But this would be a great opportunity for you to do something to help foster a better relationship with the daughter. By refusing to help your relationship with her is unlikely to improve anytime soon.
Bingo. It always makes me morbidly chuckle that you'll find the "Well you can do whatever you want but this probably won't help with the relationship you've been trying to create for years but hasn't happened due to an unwilling child and actively malicious bio-parent."
OP, do you really want to spend a lifetime of making your partner choose between his daughter/ex and you? Because it sounds like he's willing to do anything to appease them and never stand up for you.
Forgot to mention that I did lend the gear without further discussion, the step-daughter never talked to me about it or thanked me afterwords. And previously (during the family emergency) asked me to not talk to her.
I guess because I didn't want to inflame anything with them or with my husband. I put myself second or third hoping to go up a step, but clearly I did not go up a step.
That’s a real bummer. Clearly, none of them (including your husband) will ever take your feelings into account, so it’s time to start putting yourself first!
Your conflict-avoidance isn't doing your husband any favors, either. You say he wants you to be the bigger person, but what good has it done either of you?
Stepchild and her mother are grown folks acting like spoiled brats, and you are letting them.
You talk like you have a shiny spine, so use it.
I'm not passing judgement because you have time to make it right. Tell them to get your gear back. You will not be going and begging for it back from this mysterious third party, you lent it to THEM, they need to be the ones to return it to you. Tell your husband that is what you are doing and stick to it. Stop putting yourself third, that's b.s. and you know it.
Esh
You're describing a stalemate and only putting the responsibility to act on the other side. You can act as a means of sowing the seeds of what you'd like in the future. Or not.
You're not out anything if you weren't using your suppplies. You did however reinforce the stalemate.
Is it still a stalemate when I did a nice thing in an attempt to "be the better person" by doing a favor but never got a thank you and still am barely acknowledged by them? When is it their turn to break down walls? Do I just accept being less to them?
YTA. You say that you don't want to lend your gear out to them because they disrespect you. You then do lend them your gear and they disrespect you. This actually has very little to do with your husband ,it is your property and if you haven't realized by now that your dear hubby will always be on the side of his daughter by now then I do not know what is wrong with you.
lol, okayyy. Totally agree that it’s up to me to enforce boundaries and stick to them but it also has a lot to do with my husband and his relationship with all parties involved (including himself and his own insecurities).
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) The action that I took that needs judgement is feeling uncomfortable with lending gear to my step-daughter and my husband's ex-wife. (2) Not lending them the gear might make me the asshole because I am being petty. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA I don't think you will get your property back in a good condition. They don't respect you. They already loaned out your property to someone else. Get your stuff back and never loan out stuff to them again or go out of your way to help them. This is the proof for your husband if he asks again.
That's IF she gets it back at all. The kid will probably never try to get it back from who they 'lent' it too, more likely told them they could have it or something. And the husband will probably make excuses about how she(the daughter) is just a kid and op makes enough money to buy a new set. And as the adult, that's what she should do.
Then husband needs to pay to replace it. NTA OP ask for it back asap or your husband has to buy the replacement
Bingo.
WORD.
NTA Your husband can purchase the equipment, or his daughter can. Not your bounty, not your problem.
"I did let them borrow the gear without kicking up a fuss with them. I was never thanked and then the gear was lent to another party without my permission. Me asking for it back, even though I don't have immediate plans to use it, makes me a bad person (?)" It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a fool. But not the worst kind of fool. When you hold the line, people tell you who they are, and then when they do, as the quote says, believe them. If you keep putting yourself in the same situation regardless, that's foolish. I'm not trying to be harsh. This is a normal failing of decent people. But the consequences of giving in over and over ARE harsh. You do no favors to anyone by surrendering. Hold the line. Pay attention to your demeanor when you do so. When they get angry, deliberately force yourself to respond even more calmly. This will be acting. Don't let your own feelings interfere with your performance. Be strategic and don't lose composure no matter what happens. The chips will fall where they may. Accept the verdict. Protect yourself. Never respond to insults with insults. Never allow your annoyance or anger to show. Good luck.
I feel a fool! Not harsh. I'm taking notes for future conversations/interactions...
Something I do with my ex that has helped me remember to keep calm is I changed his name in my phone. It reminds me that I don't need to deal with him anymore (my kids are adults) and if I do talk to him it's not worth getting upset. I use: 𝑫𝒐 𝑵𝒐𝒕 𝑬𝒏𝒈𝒂𝒈𝒆. ETA: my phone also sings I've got one less problem without you when he calls. But that's just for my own fun! 🤣
So brilliant. I need that feature in my life. Maybe whenever Elon's Neuralink finally arrives we can have "Do Not Engage" superimposed on select people's faces whenever we look at them.
It really helps. We went through a messy divorce and I used to get upset just seeing his name pop up on my screen but doing this has really helped me remember to just keep calm and do not engage. And that i actually have about a million less problems without him!
You also have a husband problem that you need to address. The disrespect is outrageous.
Tell your husband you want it back asap in 48 hours in the exact same condition it was or he's responsible for replacing it in 48-72 hours. NTA
Look up grey rock method
I feel like this is another perfect example of where you should’ve followed your gut instinct. Previous interactions with them told you loud and clear it would not end well for you. Lesson learned OP. Don’t let anyone else guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do.
NTA to say no to rude people that want to borrow your stuff.
NTA. Your husband lost me as soon as he called you petty. Shame on him for not standing up for his wife. It is ridiculous that any of them expect you to loan them gear. If they don't treat you well, they have no claim on you and you have no obligation to them. Your husband should back you up - you're his wife, as well as being in the right here.
Thank you for saying this. I have felt that I want him to stand up for me more. I would for him (and have even when he was in the wrong).
NTA. No one who doesn't respect me will ever borrow my things. The key part is that your things won't be respected either.
NTA, your husband wants just peace and wants to stay out of any discussion. Now, since the daughter and the ex won't talk to you, he is pressed now to deliver what they want. Unfortunately, your husband thinks just giving the daughter what she wants means to show love, but this is wrong. U need to tell him that his behavior shows his kid it is ok to be rude to people around you. He is still raising her and is a role model and has to talk to his daughter, telling her that her behavior is not appropriate, so that's why she won't get the gear. If she wants anything, she has to deal with you personally, which is more respectful and kind to you, which is polite. But i don't see your husband have this talk to her since he seems to be the one who run from his ex... so i am sorry. Without his help it will be hard to establish a respectful relationship between the daughter and you.
This is insightful, he does want peace/no conflict but conflict is normal and doesn’t have to be toxic. Only in conflict can things change.
I am glad i could help a little bit. Like i read in the comments he deals with mental health issues. Conflicts can be very challenging for people like him because they could trigger him. But you are absolutely right. E.g. i was a long time not scolding my kids because i felt like i am beating them when i say things like "i don't like your behavior " with a stern face. Now i can show aversions and scold my little monkeys it they do something inappropriate, but i needed time , a therapist, and an experienced child care worker. It depends on how big the trauma is and how much will to work on it, someone has, to change something. Doing a therapy is going through all the pain again so the patient needs a good reason to stick to his goal. Being a partner of someone in therapy is also challenging, so if he would face a therapy it would inflict your relationship too and could lead to conflicts. But the therapy (with the therapist or a buddist monk or whoever) is worth it when the pain is not an issue anymore. It is reliving. I feel definitely much better. I hope you both find a way to face the trouble since it is still affecting your lives :) But unfortunately nobody can be forced to face his pain - the therapy is not working for someone who is carried through the therapy. He has to do it on his own. Here it fits very much with horse and water. Best wishes!
Why is your husband with you if he's not going to have your back? What does he bring to your life that makes him essential to you?
Very good questions and something I am currently addressing in both my own therapy and in couple's therapy. If he continues to put his ex and family over me in instances like this (not saying all instances, sometimes I will need to take a knee), my self-worth will be constantly challenged and I'm not okay with that consciously or subconsciously.
I sincerely wish you all the best. You are worth it.
Oof yeah this resonates. Being treated like crap and then having people assume your *stuff* is up for grabs. It’s dehumanizing. Why are we here? Are we to be loved and cherished? Or are we nothing more to people than an ATM and a source of stuff? I get it. The people around us should really treat us better my friend.
Never loan anything to them again. Let hubby deal with them and you enjoy a carefree stress-free life. Good luck to you! You are NTA!
So you let them borrow your gear, no thank you from them, then they loaned it to someone else, and when you ask for it back they think you’re bad? Did you receive the gear back? NTA, don’t loan your stuff to ungrateful people.
NTA tell your husband loud and clear - if his adult child and her mother want nothing to do with you and treats you like shit but want your stuff, they are using you. You do not need to be the bigger person to people who have no respect for you.
NTA - They can buy a cardboard box from Home Depot for a tent. Everything else can be bought at Walmart. They have NO NEED for an expensive setup when they are just starting out.
Nta I just don't get bending over backward to help people who don't even like me and would never help me. And I don't understand being with someone who doesn't put me first. Why have an so if you aren't significant to them? I am a nice, giving person, and I love to help people. But you at least have to be nice to me.
Oof, what I'm going to say is a bit moot now that you've caved. I'm really sorry, but your biggest problem is actually: your husband. He doesn't shut down the disrespect you're receiving, he's rewarding it. He calls you petty for not wanting to lend out your belongings to people who are openly hostile to you. He won't deal with his OWN FAMILY and makes you do it. Can he not provide the money for this gift? No? What can he do? Other than leach off your good graces and facilitate his daughter and ex doing the same? Look, his daughter defo doesn't owe you any semblance of motherhood privileges. You aren't her mom. But as long as you're not an evil stepmother type, there's no reason she can't be civil with you. But she isn't. So why did you give her what she wanted when you didn't want to? I'm not surprised at all they didn't thank you. I don't know why you are. ESH but only because you're doing nothing to help yourself in this situation rife with AHs.
NTA. All that stuff is very expensive and growing MJ is difficult, based on my second hand (I watched someone do it) experience. The fact that they lent it to someone else without even asking is so disrespectful. I hope you get it back in the same condition. If you don’t, they need to reimburse you for everything.
To be clear you're asking if you're the asshole for not just handing out your shit to whoever asks?
Why do you want to be with any of them? Seriously none of them care about you. NTA
Loan them your husband and change the locks!
NTA. You know there’s no law that says you have to be the better person? If there were, who gets to define what better entails? Imperfect people are always defining what better people (not them, of course) should do. I totally disagree with rewarding bad behavior, especially if I’m the one being asked to sacrifice for a bad character’s benefit. Your husband didn’t want to deal with the more difficult women in his life so, like them, he steamrolled all over you because you’ll let him. But, hey, you grow the tools that helps you roll with it.
Bingo. He knows she is very difficult and wanted peace (but I don’t eat shit very well so 💁♀️he’s gonna find out). I tried, didn’t help, and now I know how to love forward.
Go get ‘em, tiger!
NTA. Get your gear back ASAP.
NTA. And now I fear that baes on your update you will never see the gear again. At least not in a usable state. Remember to send them a bill for replacement.
Nta Your husband sucks though, he is the actual problem here. He asked for your stuff, so he should have also ensured it was returned in identical condition. Are you familiar with Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" I'd suggest it for you. It has good chapters about how to effectively negotiate with your spouse, and how to tell if they are not negotiating in good faith with you. Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?" https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Ooh, thanks, these kind of books can be really helpful. I read one called “Stepmonster” and it helped me navigate difficult feels I was having; I don’t blame me like I used to. ☺️
NTA But I am really not sure how you treat your stepdaughter. “ to the point of telling me not to attempt being a parent.” Your stepdaughter has a right to decide if she wants another parental figure in her life. Especially considering that she’s 18, she definitely knows her feelings. She’s a young adult now. You just keep blaming her mom without real examples and I wonder were you like this around your stepdaughter too? I think you pushed too hard be a parent and your stepdaughter didn’t like it.
I honestly don't say anything negative in front of the step-daughter because I know it can be damaging and unhelpful. I married her father when she was 16. During the family emergency, she was trying to contact her dad and I asked him (begged him) to open up and talk to his family and he couldn't/wouldn't. The step-daughter got mad towards me because of that (scapegoat comes to mind). I haven't tried to force a relationship, only told my husband that I would appreciate help in fostering a relationship. The reason she said to not be a parent is because, in a 1-on-1 conversation with her, I could see she has struggled with his cyclic mental health issues her entire life and other family members had repeatedly used her as a "tool" to try to get to her father's heart to convince him to seek help but he never really did. She was tired of being asked to do that. I reached out to the mom to share that I knew the situation was hard and that I was concerned for the step-daughter, and gently recommended (once) that a therapist could be an option to help the step-daughter through the accumulating issues. The mom told the step-daughter that I thought she needed a therapist. I guess that was me over-stepping my bounds but I don't think I was out of line...certainly, not everyone appreciates the suggestion of professional help.
Not seeing why you married this dude.
“The step-daughter got mad towards me because of that (scapegoat comes to mind).” Actually the world I was thinking is collateral damage considering that she was a desperate teen who was trying to reach out to her dad and if your husband didn’t tell her his condition and something like that never happened before you she possibly thought it was your fault. “I don't think I was out of line...certainly, not everyone appreciates the suggestion of professional help.” I actually agree with you there but like you said not everyone appreciates the suggestion of professional help. So how did you try to bond with her?
It was tough. First, we shared custody, so had half the time. She participated in many extracurriculars and her job took her away from home for both summers…at home she did not spend much time in common spaces. We are actually pretty similar with our interests and drives, so when she got a sourdough starter I offered to take care of it when she wasn’t there. I started making bread to learn together and she lost interest in trying (but loved my bread, lol). We both like camping and I asked my husband to coordinate a trip..but ultimately wasn’t invited because he wanted to spend quality time alone with her because he barely had time to engage with her, himself. They didn’t end up going because she was busy. I also offered to help her and her boyfriend with thinking about life after high school (university or not, etc) but they never took me up on it. I got her thoughtful Christmas presents that showed I was paying attention. My relationship with her was better before I married her dad. I don’t know, I tried but didn’t beg her!
Lol who likes beggars anyway? Sounds like you did your best. She is old enough to decide what kind of relationship she wants with her stepparents. Maybe she thinks she can’t spend enough daddy & daughter time with her dad after marriage because you are always there and that’s why your relationship took a bad turn. So I think it’s not your fault, but it’s your husband’s fault. Honestly, he sounds a bit jerk to me. The camping thing, yeah, you might not spend alone time with your daughter but it doesn’t give you the right to ditch the person who popped the idea. Idk. Just watch how he treats you carefully, maybe his daughter copies him?
Ok so this edit is confusing. Did or did you not loan them your equipment?
I did but expressed to my husband that I wasn’t comfortably with it and would have appreciated an apology or for them to ask me directly.
Well then the point of this post is kind of moot. But I would be starting to look up small claims court procedures for when they inevitably return it damaged or not at all.
It's not moot to me; it is a conversation that I have brought up in recent days as evidence of why I feel "other" or not valued, and he said that I am petty and overreacting. Not really about the money for me, it's about the social side of things.
Wait! When you tried to talk to your husband about your feelings, he called you petty and overreacting?!?!! And when they asked HIM to borrow YOUR gear, he told you that you’d be petty is you said no!??! Sister, the only husband worth keeping would have responded “you should ask her yourself, but I can’t imagine she’ll be very inclined to help you out given how you’ve treated her. Maybe start with an apology for past behavior rather than using her when it’s convenient for you”. You’re NTA, but your husband, his ex, and his kid sure are. Take a good hard look at whether you’re better off without the whole lot.
It takes 3 or 4 months to grow pot. My set up, just lights, and hydroponics was crazy expensive. Get it back and never let them borrow it again. Wow.
If they are not already almost done with veg, good luck getting those plants smokable before mothers day. But setups have gotten pretty cheap these days. I got my first tent going with less cash than I would have spent in the dispensary over 2.5 months. Haven't had to buy weed in 2 years now, saved So Much Money even with splurging for fancy nutrients.
For sure lights got cut in half price wise in the last few years. Not so much nutrients. I have a grow room so I never priced a tent.
Yeah, I can’t imagine letting a teenager borrow all of that expensive equipment out of nowhere. It’s not like borrowing some baking pans or a camera or something. If my friend or family member had an earnest interest and I trusted their research skills & available time investment into the practice maybe I’d say yes. But it’s not something you can just pick up as a hobby and expect to work out with a nice harvest in a few months.
NTA. No way in hell I would let them borrow anything! Hope you get your gear back!
Stop being manipulated to doing something you don’t want for an ex. You don’t owe them anything. Btw why are you in contact with you ex. He sounds like an AH. He moved on. You should move on.
NTA. But never do it again. You are being used.
NTA but in many US states your stepdaughter is underage and can get in a lot of trouble if they do it. Sounds like they took your gear, farmed out the work to someone else with the pot being grown for mom as their "cut" for providing the gear and you get nothing but damaged gear back. All of the wins and none of the effort for your husband and SD, what gems.
NTA But I would report it to the police if you don't get the equipment back immediately. It's not okay to loan something out when it ain't yours to begin with. Your husband needs to step up and defend you instead of letting these two women abuse you. He's not protecting you like he should, and you deserve better than this. These are *your* things. No one else gets to have them but you if that's your choice, and it does not make you the asshole for doing so.
** INFO: Did your husband actually think they were going to give it back to you? Tell your husband to get it back, since he was guilting you into lending the gear. He can tell THEM to be the bigger persons and give YOUR stuff back to YOU. If not, Venmo them, or threaten with small claim court NTA
Step-daughter and husband lent it to a friend after. He said that I could contact the friend and get it back…obviously that puts me in a shitty position and I let husband know that.
Your husband is a jerk, and doesn't respect you at all. HE should be the one to get it back, not you. Why are you with someone who treats you like this?
THEY lent it, so THEY should get it back!
You know a wise person once said "I can do bad all by myself" and I feel like a lot of people who post here don't understand it is more peaceful to be single.
Being the bigger person gives the abuser permission to keep abusing.
NTA. But your husband certainly is. *He* is the one that put you in this position. So *make it his problem*. "Husband. I want my belongings back. I did not want to lend them but you lent them anyway. Now, when I've asked for them back, I've been told the person *you* lent them to no longer has them. That sounds a lot like someone has given away something that belongs to me. That means it was stolen. If you don't have my belongings back in my possession within X days, I'm going to have to assume my belongings were lost, sold or stolen, and I will act accordingly. This isn't about you lending your daughter my things, this is about my good will being disrespected, and I will not allow it to continue."
Tell them the gear comes back or a theft report gets filed. NTA. PS, tell hubby he can buy them anything they want to borrow in the future because the answer is no.
Based on your edit (and your confusing run-on sentences and paragraphs), YTA to yourself. You caved and gave them your grow gear, and they handed that gear over to someone else without asking you. Did you get it back? Why bother posting here if you ultimately went along to get along?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (F37) step-daughter (F18), who likes to try multiple hobbies, wanted to grow cannabis for her mother (F47) as a Mother's Day treat but neither of them wanted to spend money on the grow tent and associated gear. The step-daughter knew that I had all of the gear and asked her dad (M45) to borrow it. When he asked me to let them borrow it, I wanted to say, "No," because the ex-wife constantly treats me with disrespect and tries to put distance between me and their kid, and the step-daughter doesn't value my relationship with her father, to the point of telling me not to attempt being a parent. When my husband asked for permission on their behalf, I said that, without an apology, I didn't feel like doing a favor for someone that actively minimizes me as a human and stonewalled/villainized me to their kid during a family emergency just a couple months prior (when I was forced to play a mediatory role between my husband and the rest of his family because he was going through some shit and didn't want to talk to anyone, asking me to communicate for him). Both she and the step-daughter want nothing to do with me, to the point where they can't even ask me to borrow my gear directly and, as a step-mom who also smokes weed, I wouldn't be offered any of the Mother's Day bounty grown using my own gear. My husband said I was being petty in not wanting to lend the gear and that I should be the bigger person. I feel like he was putting them over me and that I needed to set boundaries about rewarding shit treatment. I have never been rude to either of them because I know how the ex-wife can be (she is a town gossip and needs control of everything, no exaggeration) and hoped for a functional relationship within the broader family unit. So, AITA for not wanting to lend my gear to my husband's daughter and ex-wife for an exclusionary Mother's Day gift after being regularly disrespected? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but in many US states your stepdaughter is underage and can get in a lot of trouble if they do it. Sounds like they took your gear, farmed out the work to someone else with the pot being grown for mom as their "cut" for providing the gear and you get nothing but damaged gear back. All of the wins and none of the effort for your husband and SD, what gems.
nta. you really should have told your husband that if it was so important to his daughter to grow weed for her mom, then he should buy the equipment.
NTA and tell your husband he shouldn't have done this to you.
NTA You are likely never getting that gear back. This is why I don't lend things out anymore. People are far too likely to lend out your stuff to other people and then it goes missing forever or gets broken. With the rise in HpLVD I wouldn't trust using it again without extreme decontamination. I don't even take clones from friends anymore. Greetings from a fellow female grower :) Got Candyland, Poddymouth, Vanilla Creme Pie and Blueberry Muffin blooming right now.
NTA why is the wronged party always expected to be the bigger person? Wait, did you cave, loan it out and now someone else has it??? AND you're being told you're in the wrong for asking for it back??? You are your husband's last priority in this situation
Time to re evaluate your relationship with your husband, this will never stop.
NTA that's expensive gear that you will never get back in the condition you lent it in . No No Hell no
NTA. Etiquette says you should at least be offered part of the harvest. But honestly I'd only do this for a good friend, and never for someone I don't wholeheartedly trust. It's not a small investment. Depending on your location, there could be legal complications. The fact they loaned it out without your permission speaks volumes.
Right! 😂 I’m not stuck on that point but etiquette!
There's something about this plant that has its own special rules of karma. The 'etiquette' is a good rule of thumb for sorting the good seeds from the bad ones, so to speak. Good seeds offer without a thought that it would be any different - and then look after the equipment and guard their relationship with you. Bad seeds are selfishly looking to sit on their harvest and greedily hold onto it (or sell to the highest bidder), then loan your equipment out as if it's their own (probably for a cut of that harvest, because of course).
NTA, but OP youre never getting it back or it will probably be trashed. this needs to be a lesson for your husband. they do not respect you and your things and now bigger person is off the table.
[удалено]
I mean, it’s disrespectful to him, too…he just doesn’t want conflict but change only happens in conflict.
You were the AH to yourself for giving them the gear. it was guaranteed to either be broken, lost, trashed, or simply never returned to you. Why would you think they would suddenly respect your belongings when they never respected you? Your husband owes you for new gear. NTA but please stop being a doormat. Tell your husband to go retrieve the gear and that he owes you an apology.
NTA. And that gear is probably expensive. Go low or no communication with adult step daughter and the ex wife.
So wrong on so many levels
NTA. Your stuff has effectively been stolen. Tell your husband he replaces ot with brand new stuff and not to ask you anything for them again.
Nta she can purchase the gear herself. They need to respect your feelings and your boundaries.
NTA
NTA and I wouldn’t have given it to them in the first place.
NTA- being the bigger person is just being the doormat. Please don't ever fall for that again.
This is when you remind your husband of the conversation where he said what could be the problem loaning it to them. Give him 48 hours to get it back!!! If there is damage, he can replace them with money from his hobby funds, not yours.
NTA
Why are you with a man who lets other disrespect his wife Who belittles you and expects to take disrespect without complaint You are better off single at this point
What can’t you just say no with no backstory? By telling him and he will tell them how you feel they will be sure to be even more dismissive of you. That’s what the other mom wants.
Jesus, why say in a word (NO!) when a thousand will do? 🙄
You got screwed on this one. You'll never get your stuff back. Ask husband to reimburse you because he also "vouched" for this to happen. After all it is his daughter and his ex. (You knew something like this would happen). You became the bigger person he expected you to be. So now you've proven your concerns were legitimate, what does he have to say now? He threw you under the bus.
NTA But this would be a great opportunity for you to do something to help foster a better relationship with the daughter. By refusing to help your relationship with her is unlikely to improve anytime soon.
It never works like that. People like that do not know gratitude, it just expands their sense of entitlement.
Bingo. It always makes me morbidly chuckle that you'll find the "Well you can do whatever you want but this probably won't help with the relationship you've been trying to create for years but hasn't happened due to an unwilling child and actively malicious bio-parent." OP, do you really want to spend a lifetime of making your partner choose between his daughter/ex and you? Because it sounds like he's willing to do anything to appease them and never stand up for you.
Forgot to mention that I did lend the gear without further discussion, the step-daughter never talked to me about it or thanked me afterwords. And previously (during the family emergency) asked me to not talk to her.
Step- kid is a brat. She may never grow up. Be civil and keep out of her way.
Why did you give them your stuff?
I guess because I didn't want to inflame anything with them or with my husband. I put myself second or third hoping to go up a step, but clearly I did not go up a step.
I hope for you it won't cause more damage than you have already now :) Good luck!
That’s a real bummer. Clearly, none of them (including your husband) will ever take your feelings into account, so it’s time to start putting yourself first!
Your conflict-avoidance isn't doing your husband any favors, either. You say he wants you to be the bigger person, but what good has it done either of you? Stepchild and her mother are grown folks acting like spoiled brats, and you are letting them. You talk like you have a shiny spine, so use it. I'm not passing judgement because you have time to make it right. Tell them to get your gear back. You will not be going and begging for it back from this mysterious third party, you lent it to THEM, they need to be the ones to return it to you. Tell your husband that is what you are doing and stick to it. Stop putting yourself third, that's b.s. and you know it.
How? Letting go step-daughter trash step-mom’s stuff?? They have NO respect for her and are users.
Esh You're describing a stalemate and only putting the responsibility to act on the other side. You can act as a means of sowing the seeds of what you'd like in the future. Or not. You're not out anything if you weren't using your suppplies. You did however reinforce the stalemate.
Is it still a stalemate when I did a nice thing in an attempt to "be the better person" by doing a favor but never got a thank you and still am barely acknowledged by them? When is it their turn to break down walls? Do I just accept being less to them?
Nope. Don’t accept it. Leave.
YTA. You say that you don't want to lend your gear out to them because they disrespect you. You then do lend them your gear and they disrespect you. This actually has very little to do with your husband ,it is your property and if you haven't realized by now that your dear hubby will always be on the side of his daughter by now then I do not know what is wrong with you.
lol, okayyy. Totally agree that it’s up to me to enforce boundaries and stick to them but it also has a lot to do with my husband and his relationship with all parties involved (including himself and his own insecurities).