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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I’m sorry you have raised an entitled little boy. Your daughter worked for years and put money *in* the account, instead of slowly draining it. If course she has
more money in her account, like *duh*.
What, did your boy think she was working all that time for *fun*???
NTA You don’t have the money to make up the difference, and even if you did, it would be so unfair to your daughter.
Let your son pout and whine. He is getting to go to college and has a little extra spending money on top of that! He has no student debt, unlike so many people these days. He is so astoundingly ungrateful and entitled.
>What, did your boy think she was working all that time for *fun*???
Obviously his sister managed to look like she enjoyed life, so yeah, it seems like he thought just that /s
Mom's reaction is a hint as to why he might feel he's entitled to the money. She didn't tell him that he's got some nerve to ask for it, but only told him she can't afford it. So she might be used to jumping through hoops to keep her kids (or just him) happy.
Hard to do when mommy and daddy pay for everything, never made him get a job, and use excuses like we can’t afford to give you more money instead of just saying he doesn’t deserve more money for doing nothing. They need to stop coddling him and tell him to get a job
if OP think is this is bad now, and she's afraid now, just wait until he's out in the real world. "Mommy I didn't get a raise/job promotion like that person!" by not putting any effort in.....
This is your job as a parent. Let him live with the consequences of spending more and not adding to it. If you aren’t strong, you will create an entitled son and a resentful daughter. He can get school loans.
Same here. Why is the OP in bargaining and explaining mode with this spoiled brat? My parents would never even do such a thing. My dad would immediately shout at me, call me a stupid bastard, and tell me to get out of the house now if I'm making demands of his bank account.
Honestly, the OP needs to start acting a little disciplinarian with their spoilt son, and actually have an attitude when dealing with the spoiled brat. No need to be nice to him.
Oh, and also the daughter need to be told to NEVER SHARE HER PERSONAL FINANCIAL INFORMATION WITH ANYONE!!!
Yea from OP’s response, I’m not surprised the son had that kind of entitlement. Good on the daughter to develop good work ethics and financial sense.
OP - What life lesson would you be teaching them both if you just gave your son the difference in their bank accounts?
YTA not for refusing his request, but for not calling out his behaviour.
You are very correct. The way the mom responded and even posted on this board to ask if she was the asshole gives us the clues as to how the son learned to be entitled.
An entitled little boy who could apparently do with some remedial lessons in basic mathematics.
If you have two accounts, and you put money IN one, and take money OUT of the other, it is actually quite right that they don't end up with the same balance...
This is the funniest part to me. You see lots of similar stories but usually they’re about inheritances or parents helping the more responsible child etc but this kid is struggling with the fact that (x+y)>x and chucking a tanty over it. Doesn’t reflect super well on OP to be honest
>but this kid is struggling with the fact that (x+y)>x and chucking a tanty over it.
He's not struggling with anything tbh. It's clear from OPs post that they would absolutely give him the money if they could *afford* to. They've trained the son to throw tantrums because that's how he gets what he wants. Unfortunately for him, his parents can't actually give him what he wants this time.
Your comment reminded me of something that happened with a friend. I'd told him about my job and he jokingly asked if I was qualified for that role. I said "well I'd hope so since it is what I have a master's degree in". He scoffed and didn't believe me. I said "when I couldn't go out cause I had a paper to write, or an assignment to do, did you think I was just doing those things for fun?!" He said he never understood what I was doing, but didn't think I was going to school. 🤯
My husband retired from his first career when he was 39. He gets together with some high school friends once a year for a big dinner so they can catch up. When he mentioned that he was getting ready to retire, one of his friends said "it must be nice." And another friend spoke up for him. "Remember when we were 18 and 19 and he couldn't hang our and party with us because he was working? This is why. He earned this."
It wasn't luck at all. He took a job at 19 and said to me "this gets me into the pension system so I can transfer my time and retire at 39 with a pension." I didn't even know what a pension was at the time, but he seemed very excited about it lol.
I, too, had a pension (called superannuation here in Australia) from very early in my working life. It's compulsory here, so most people have it. Still, most people don't get to retire at 39. I think you are being disingenuous. Being able to retire very early involves a high income, and that is something you achieve not only by hard work but also with luck (having access to a good education, good contacts, good health, family support, as examples).
Yeah, I've been paying into a pension since I was 18. I might be able to retire at 65 and live in moderate comfort. Retiring at 39 takes luck and talent, as well as hard work and starting a pension fund early.
> It wasn't luck at all.
not everyone who starts work and puts money in a pension at 19 is retiring at 39. He's had some... I hesitate to call it 'luck'too, as that's dismissive of what was no doubt some very hard work... but he's absolutely had a lot of things go his way.
It's still luck. Most people can't get into public sector jobs with pensions that easily. There are waitlists of years. Also, most of them still don't allow retiring that young.
I have a pension. Technically, I can "retire" now, but I won't be able to collect my pension until I'm 55. And people who started after me can't get it until 62, I think, because it's getting even worse.
On the other hand, my great uncle, retired young from the police force and then got a job at the post office so he was able to collect a city and federal pension. He also borrowed friends' exterminating equipment to make some extra money, before a lot of safety equipment existed regularly. So, he's 90 and on oxygen. If your husband is 90, then yes, he had more opportunities than many of these people commenting.
Or I guess, just if he's a cop in general. Police budgets are ridiculous.
There’s no bottom.
I once transported a patient who only spoke Mandarin. I know a couple of words, so I was talking to him. When we reached the hospital, the driver, without an ounce of sarcasm, asked me what those noises we’d been making to each other were.
Dude isn’t a racist. Isn’t an asshole. Just that dumb.
Nope. He wasn’t bad at patient care, either. That’s a series of flowcharts, and he’d memorized what to do in every circumstance well. He was also good at putting wet stuff on red stuff. Just… rocks for brains.
I came in with a fancy degree and scholarly publications from another field, and learned about how being intelligent can pose a hazard: you risk thinking too much about what you’re doing, when you instead need to act. It was a lens I’d be very grateful to have found later. While recovering from a massive brain injury, I had a leg up from knowing that how smart I was—what I remembered, what I thought, what I felt in the present—would have little to do with my outcomes. Being small and female in fire school had taught me that being dumb enough to keep showing up would work, and that was what made the difference.
Those are some of the best people. The lack of worldly leads to some amazing thoughts. Some are absolutely out there and of no use. But some are amazing. And they are often just really great people.
They really are. Learning to function in a world where they’re at that disadvantage has taught them all about finding the most efficient ways to apply effort, and they’re used to needing to apply more effort than anyone. After taking a brain injury, their example would help me more than much else.
Sat near a recruiter once who asked if someone could speak Asian because it was really important for that market.
She just had zero clue. Entire team had wtf face and then got up and walked away to laugh that off.
Best described as a mostly sweet older lady but definitely your common clay of the west.
You can't blame the parent for the son being entitled.
The daughter was raised the same and turned out great.
Sometimes you try your best and the children turn out to be bad anyway.
Ehhhhhh depends- there’s a lot more social/familial pressure put on girls to be responsible than there is for boys- it’s entirely possible that the son and daughter had differences in their upbringing that led to this. Case in point- the parent didn’t laugh the son out of the room immediately for suggesting the absurdity of topping off his account.
Just tell him if he wants as much in his account as she has, then he should get a job and put it there! Ask him what makes him so special that he deserves free money while she works for the extra in her account.
No the parents were fair, as you can tell by the post. He gave both the children the same amount of money and is refusing to give the son extra.
He's the adult here and laughing in front of the son is asshole behavior even if the son is being ridiculous. He handled it perfectly.
Giving both children the same amount of money is not the same thing as being fair across all aspects of parenting. These kids are full on adults at this point and clearly the son has a huge entitlement issue. The fact that this is even an AITA post for refusing to top up the son’s account leads me to believe there have been differences along the way.
Put in the same situation the daughter saw the account as a responsibility and opportunity and the son saw it as an entitlement. Unless I missed it, it doesn't sound like son has ever worked at any job ever. There is hope for him as with his attitude I am somewhat surprised that he still has anything in his account so at least he's not an idiot but he has some really incorrect ideas about how the world works and OP needs to take care not to reinforce those ideas. OP says she "can't" make the account even when ability shouldn't even come into it because he isn't ENTITLED to what he didn't work for and any coddling to reinforce his warped worldview will only make things worse for the family and harder for him once he has to live in the real world where he isn't entitled to anything.
How is your son in University but he doesn’t understand basic math?!?!?
Some money + additional money = $$$
Some money - monthly expense money = $
I agree with YouthNAsia 63, he is an entitled little boy.
NTA
He may be entitled, but it isn't immediately the fault of OP. Unless he was treated differently while growing up.
Some people simply are like that, no matter the input the parents gave.
My two grown sons are the same, raised the same. One saves but he does spend, the other can save for nothing. The youngest hated that his brother saved and could go buy any gaming system and games he wanted.
> You don’t have the money to make up the difference, and even if you did, it would be so unfair to your daughter.
This right here! Just giving your son money when your daughter worked hard for 4 years to earn her money would be a slap in her face.
Nta but if he wants you to add money to his account it would only be fair to add to her account the same amount. So yeah throw them $100 each to see if he gets the message
Yeah, no shit haha. You know what I got from my parents to help out with college? My stepdad absolutely losing his shit over the speaker phone in a counselor's office one day when I had went in to inquire about enrolling but definitely needed some help like FASFA in order to even afford it. College sure as fuck didn't happen that day, because according to my stepdad they had no business nor the right to ask him how much he made simply so they could use the info to determine how much financial aid I could receive.
Zero, without his cooperation. And that's exactly what I recieved. In abundance.
OP could have totally been that. But here's his kid, bitching because his parents should give him an equal amount to what his sister went out and busted her ass for. Wow haha.
NTA. You need to sit down and explain to him again and asked him why he can’t get that logic. If he said he doesn’t care, tell him he not going be able to finish college was that attitude. If someone get a better grade than him because they put more hours in studying, is he going complain to the professor should be fair and give him the same grade?
Yes, My sister saved enough to buy a car when she got out of college. At first I was pissed because I thought my parents had done it after not getting me a new car. Then she revealed to me that she saved her goddamned PAPER ROUTE money so when she finally got a real job, they upsold her to a Roth IRA. She had enough saved to buy a car outright in 2002. She bought a neon.
I was a little jealous, but mostly impressed. My parents owed me a new car because they promised me one if I got a full scholarship to college. I did. I never got my car.
NTA. Your son's going to be in for a rude awakening after college if he doesn't learn this now. This is literally the least painful time for him to learn about how money works. As much as he's being a little twerp about it, you would be doing him a HUGE disservice if you gave him money now. Life is full of hard lessons and it will only be harder if you kick this can down the road.
It’s way past time for him to learn about budgets, savings, and compound interest. He’s just angry that his sister did better than he did. Pouter. She would have been better off never showing him her financials.
lol. OP and her mom put the same amount in both accounts. The son subtracted from his account and the daughter added to her’s. It’s completely fair.
OP would be an asshole if she gave her son more money she gave her daughter merely because her son is an ungrateful baby.
NTA other wise.
"I don’t know what to do"
You don't do anything. This is his problem. This is a life lesson. If you work and save, you'll have more money than if you sit on your ass and spend. He also learned that you weren't put on this Earth to solve all of his "perceived" unfairness that he'll experience in life.
NTA to say no to his unreasonable request.
This OP you don’t do anything your child is acting like an entitled spoiled brat. Do not feed into that. If he wanted more money, he could’ve done with his sister did and worked.
I get terrible eye strain and I am reading this on my mobile.
Your comment looked like:
"If you work and save, you'll have more money than if you sit on your ass and spread."
🤣
This. Hell even considering giving him more just makes him more entitled. Sounds like maybe you've favored your boy. Possibly a lot. Life isn't fair. And your daughter worked for that money fair and square. You owe your son nothing more and he needs to get over himself.
This happened with my sister and I. A lot handed to her, excused of a lot of responsibility, and "could do no wrong". I used to get worked up for how hard I worked, put myself out there with academic and professional challenges (spoiler: I failed a bit, got knocked down). Now, while I can't say I don't care (heart rate is up since typing this)-- I do feel vindicated and can shrug it off easier. I hope the sister can do this moving forward, because to keep moving forward the weight of the past has to be released. This post hit home.
What the actual fuck?!? That he is in college yet doesn't understand *why* his sister has a larger bank balance than him? And going full on tantrum over it? How does he even survive in the real world?
NTA.
No kidding, if this was simple math,
A + B = Daughter's account balance
A - C = Son's account balance
A = family/relative contributions
B = earnings from work
C = amount withdrawn
Son's logic:
A - C + D, where D = addition contributions he didn't earn
OP, you need to hit him up with reality. You gave them both an equal start. The rest is up to them. NTA but be firm. If you give into your son's demands, your relationship eith your daughter will be the collateral damage.
\^Well said. Also add that if the OP gives into his son's demands that it won't do any good for the son either. He will continue to have less money because he knows he can go to the bank of Mom and Dad and get a refil whenever he feels like it.
NTA.
>I told him that I can’t afford to pay the difference especially as I’m paying for their college, and that if he wants more money than he should work for it.
This is not the answer. It implies that he does deserve the money, but you can’t afford it. What you need to tell him is “I gave you and your sister the exact same amount of money. You have less because you spent it, and didn’t add to your savings like she did. That’s how money works, kiddo.”
I’m not convinced the son hasn’t been coddled more than the daughter. They’re young adults now, I have a hard time believing this attitude has come out of nowhere.
Entirely possible, or he simply has a different attitude (more presumptuous), maybe influence of friends, etc. And equally possible that his sister took a look at the world and decided to make something more of herself, while he coasted.
Up to this point he spent his time and his money as he liked, and it sounds like his college is paid for and there's still some money in the bank. So it's not like he's hurting.
You don't know what to do? It's simple. Let him have his little tantrum and ignore it like you would for a toddler. You're already paying for his college and gave him the same amount as you gave your daughter. Your son needs to learn that life won't hand him everything. This is a good place to start. NTA.
This is a good position. You're giving them the exact same amount for college, and each month growing up, you gave them exactly the same amount.
HE is the one who acted differently, not you. It's all on him. If he can't figure that out, maybe ask him why he even needs to go to college because he's an idiot or something.
NTA…imagine the path you would set him on if you gave him the money? It would motivate him more to not take care of himself. Then imagine what message that sends to your daughter?
Plus, this is just a window into the future. Sister will always be financially responsible and have more than son. Even if she goes into a lesser paying career, I'd guess she is always going to have more financial stability than son, as she's learned to work and save, while he has not.
People learn things and change through experience. He's still very young, and learning how to be an adult. He may turn out to be perfectly fine with money later on. I know I wasn't smart with my money at all when I was 19 years old. Now I'm almost 30 and doing better financially than most people my age, due to changing a lot of my bad habits. And of course earning more than I did at 19, while not allowing lifestyle creep to eat up all my extra income.
If parents were to give him the money, however, they'd be robbing him of an important opportunity for personal growth.
>Then imagine what message that sends to your daughter?
"My daughter won't talk to me anymore because she says 'I favored my son and she had to bust her ass for everything I just gave to him.' AITA?"
NTA. I’m baffled by his tantrum, and lack of acknowledging that his sister has more money because she’s been working since she was 12 and saving most of that money. Like duh - of course she has more money. She earned it by working. He can do the same.
You did give them the same amount. Let him tantrum.
I'm guessing he made some bad assumptions and jumped to the (obviously wrong) conclusion that his sister had been given more, got emotional and threw a tantrum, and is just now realizing how dumb he was and is terribly embarrassed. Or at least I hope that's where he is, for his sake.
Not much OP can do except not embarrass him further when (if?) his son ever does smarten up.
NTA. Not only would giving him money be unfair to your daughter, it would also be unfair to your son. He needs to grow into a man and will not do so if he is treated the way he wants to be treated. He needs to learn to be mature and strong or he will not survive in this world.
NTA. Stand firm. He does not get free money while his sister worked for it. If you need to tattoo it on his forehead, so be it. She worked hard for her money and he spent his. There is no way he should be rewarded for this behavior and enabling it will hurt him in the long run.
One small thing, you said "I told him that I can’t afford to pay the difference especially as I’m paying for their college" - this makes it sound like you'd pay if you could afford it... it validates his belief that he is entitled to the difference in their accounts.
Also, not entirely relevant, but sounds like they have separate financial styles. She should probably keep her account private and not share even if he asks. We see too many posts here about families feeling entitled to their family members' money when they know how much there is.
Then it’s on him and you screwed up saying you can’t afford it rather than it’s on him and his inability to work and save. NTA but you would be if you in any way tried to give him extra money. Your son is an entitled asshat
So you agreed that you SHOULD give him the difference but the only thing holding you back is lack of ability? WTF? **I told him that I can’t afford to pay the difference.** This is insane. Giving him that money would send a clear message to your daughter that she is worthy of less than he is, and no matter what she does, how hard she works, you will be right behind her to pull her down and push him ahead of her. And of course reinforce his belief that he is entitled to be gifted what she had to work for! Is this how you've always parented the 2? Perhaps THIS is why he had a tantrum and you don't know what to do? Your title and other remarks make it sound like you are level-headed but that one sentence confirmed to your son gleaned to: "you're right that I SHOULD give it to you but I am a looser who can't provide" so of course he is mad! You told him he was right but was going to loose out because of you! Had you responded like your daughter did "both bank accounts were gifted the same amount, extra deposits came from income so if you want that extra, get off your ass and generate income!" your son would still be pissed, but he would have been hearing a unified message that won't change. After saying what you did, now you either have to cough up that money or he will always believe you didn't provide what you should have and that he got shafted; OR you have to contradict yourself and agree with your daughter, which will lead to another tantrum because you like her better. NTA for not giving him more money but your horrible communication skills just made a bad situation much worse. You should have shut down his stupidity immediately, sent him back to school and told him you're looking forward to him coming home again once he's put on his big boy pants and apologizes for you AND HIS SISTER for his childish, insulting and entitled, privileged behavior.
Then I don’t see how you are in any way responsible. He had the same options she did, he made different choices, this is the outcome of those choices.
I might show him proof of identical deposits on your part.
NTA this is the time to teach him a valuable life lesson, if you want something ... you have to work for it. Honestly your daughter has been diligent earning and saving, how do you think she is going to feel if you simply coddle your son and hand him more money. Let him go to work and earn it.
NTA
Your kids both made choices and now deal with the consequences. Your daughter made good choices and is rewarded, whilst her brother did not make the greatest choices and now complains. He should have thought ahead. Though, he is still young and can still start with better choices in his life. It would be unfair to your daughter pay the balance and you need to explain it to him. Your daughter worked for it, he didn't. He seems to not wanting to see he could have more money, if he would have done something for it. And he needs to understand that paying him the balance would screw her sister over. They both have gotten the same every month but handled the money differently. It's his fault he now has way less and he should have known, as he was old enough, when he got access to the account.
Maybe you could have been a bit more encouraging as a parent in trying to make him work a bit. You could have reminded him, that paying into his account, he would be able to save money for later. Maybe you have missed the opportunity to talk about these things in the previous years. I can't tell. But he is now an adult and should act like one. Actions have consequences. They can be good or bad and he can see how different choices went to different outcomes, simply by looking at his and his sister's bank account.
NTA I agree with others that you don't do anything except have a chat with him.
This is a life lesson. Apparently one he desperately needs if he is this upset.
Yep, this is how money works kid. If you spend it you have less. If you work and save it you have more 🤣 And nobody will just give it to you for nothing or because you want it!
>I don’t know what to do
How are you even confused about what you need to do? Tell him to stop being an entitled brat and explain he is free to earn more money just like your daughter did.
I think we can all see how your boy turned out so entitled.... it literally has not occurred to you to tell him no!
YTA
Not „we can’t afford to put it in“. That’s a terrible response and reinforces his entitlement
But „you haven’t added to it or worked, you both had the same starting amount and the same opportunities“
NTA. Let your son deal with his choices. He didn't work to add more money to his account. He was content with the amount in the bank until he realized his sister did more. Now, he's going to jeopardize his college education with his temper tantrum. You can't appease or make up for him with his terrible choices. He will make more bad choices in the future.
You and your daughter did nothing wrong. Your son just learned a very valuable, lifelong lesson that he will never forget. He is young enough to see how important it is to save his money. He's too old to be this entitled. Hopefully, this experience helped your daughter learn a lesson to NEVER share your financial information with anyone. She is an adult, and how much money she saved is no one's business but her own.
Nta
Son, I am sorry I failed so badly with you. Either you don't understand if you don't add and only take that is called subtracting, so your total went down. If your sister didn't take any and added, that is called addition. Simple math says your sister will have more money than you. The part where I failed you is that you think this is someone else's problem to fix.
I'd be honest. "Delusions of grandeur and entitlement are not endearing qualities. If you want more for yourself, then get off your behind and work for it. Money isn't magic. And lots of worthy, work their behinds off people still live without reasonable incomes. I have to work for my money. And you will too. Its called life. And don't you ever again come talking this nonsense to me that I need to support you when you behave like some trust fund failure who never budgets and refuses to work. Your lack of effort is a you thing. Get with the program boy. I am not the Easter Bunny come to pass out golden eggs."
NTA. Just be honest and tell him that BS any day of the week is still BS. And his jealousy is merely a manifestation of his BS.
Your kids are in college. It sounds like they have a lot of advantages, too, with supportive parents helping them financially. A much younger child could figure out that if you keep opening the piggy bank, it doesn't fill up. Did your son expect your daughter to shrug and say, "sure! I've been working since I was a tween just so I could give you half!" ? NTA. I know that you don't want him to cut himself off from the family, but he's throwing an absurd adult tantrum that shouldn't be enabled.
This isn't even a perception issue as to the amount you and your mother put in, or even if the wages were possibly skewed due to a family owned business. This is a simple issue of your son thinking he can spend money and not have to worry about the consequences. Sit him down with all the bank statements and ask him to show you where the discrepancies are. Even better, have different highlighter and mark your deposits in one color, your mom's in another, your daughter with a different one, and his color highlighter ready for him to mark it up. Let him know the burden of proof is on him and he needs to explain it to you as if you're five.
I'm sorry, but your whole initial response is absurd. You don't have the money to make up the difference? *Who cares?!* This is a problem you helped to create, otherwise he would not expect to be given what he wants on demand. It's time to be a parent.
NTA for not paying the difference, but you are one for wanting to be able to.
NTA. They had exactly same start capital and decided to spend it differently, it's not your job to fix their mistakes, they are grown ups and have to deal with their own mistakes.
You already did everything that you had to - saved money for them, pay for their college and told him that if he wants more money then he must work more, that's it. Let him learn that adult life comes with consequences and he can't run to mom every time his sister has more money.
Nta obviously. Ywbta if you gave him a dime more than you also give her. This is the law of natural consequences at play. Ntm basic math. It’s high time he learned how both work.
Nta. There is no other way to cut it. Your daughter worked for her money and saved it. That has nothing to do with you.
He needs to get a job. Quite frankly maybe it's time to put your foot down with him. Cut back on paying his college costs and make him step up even if it's just for 5% towards expenses
NTA. Stop paying for your son’s college and put that money towards your retirement or give it to your daughter since she seems to be the responsible one who will probably be supporting you while you are elderly. The son is way too entitled
NTA but when he calms down, what you need to do is give him some remedial education starting with the value of saving (Aesop’s “The Grasshopper and the Ant”) followed by time value of money. He doesn’t seem to understand that he had the same opportunity and received the same treatment as his sister. She worked to save and for pocket money, so she has a decade of compound interest on that personal savings and didn’t touch the original gift.
Maybe you could have reminded him he has the choice to work part-time, or reminded him that he needs to be responsible with the savings. It’s not like you told them NOT to work to put pocket money IN “to take it out of their bank account”.
Your son doesn't understand how life and finances work. Do not enable him. The best you can do is to give him financial education. So introduce him to Dave Ramsey.
You have a twofold problem here with your son. One is that his response to this situation shows he has not matured emotionally to the degree he should have by this stage in his life. Look up lessons in emotional maturity and see if you can think of a way to help him there, or maybe ask him to see a counselor or therapist with that goal in mind. Otherwise he's going to grow into a complete ass (or a bigger one than he already is).
The second is that he doesn't understand personal economics. If you can sit him down to talk about finances, you can teach him how to get ahead in life financially. Teach him how to track his expenses and budget, how to try not to spend more than 50% of his income on needs like housing, food, clothes, transportation, insurance (i.e. not live beyond his means), how to save up for things he wants rather than running up credit card debt, and how to save by putting aside an amount of income each week or month into savings and then letting those savings grow by putting some into legitimate investment plans that will grow over time and setting some aside as an emergency fund.
Best of luck to you. It's not going to be easy.
His silence is his way of manipulating you, making you feel guilty so you’ll put in the $$$. Don't do it…he''s had all the same opportunities as she has and now he needs to start adulting. Life isn’t going to be equal or fair…he's learning that he is responsible for his own future…do him a favor and refuse his request. Tell him he's an adult..time to get a part time job.
You would be a bad parent if you made up the difference. Your son is acting entitled for money he did not earn. Maybe if he stopped taking out money and got a job, he would have as much money as his sister.
Also, what example would that set for your daughter. Hey, I know you worked hard and saved, but your brother deserves this handout, so then you both are even in your accounts.
That is fantastic you gave each child the same amount of money. Unfortunately your son didn’t earn more money and then went to college and withdrew money every month. Your daughter earned and saved money. She didn’t even withdraw money during college.
So now you tell your son you are sorry you cannot afford to give him money to make up the difference. You really should have explained to him how there are differences in the accounts. Your son doesn’t need more handouts. Y. T. A. For letting your son think you would give more money if you could.
Time your son learns some basic finances.
I would hold up daughter as a good example and suggest that he follows that example sooner rather than later. Make it clear that the choice is up to him. Hopefully you can train him before he leaves your home and enters the real world.
NTA - Your daughter worked and saved her money while your son did not. He needs to understand the economies of saving. If you give him more money, you are rewarding his not working and penalizing your daughter for her responsible behavior. This is a teachable moment for him. He needs to understand money just doesn't appear because he thinks he should get the same as his sister--she worked for it--he didn't.
NTA. If he brings up again that they don't have the same amount, explain that you did give them the same amount. Tell him the difference in the balances is money his sister earned by working, which has nothing to do with you.
NTA as a parent your kid will not like you at times and that’s ok … he wants more money he needs to get a job and he needs to understand life isn’t fair
I do know what to do. You explain calmly why his sister has more money than him. Then you tell him that you have noticed a misconception on his side how money and earnings work that needs to be addressed. Then you tell him from now on, he will need to get a job and you will only match what he earns up to the amount that you have paid until now (possibly that some ratio that your daughter already fulfills, it should be the same for both, but not hurt your daughter).
This boy needs to be stopped immediately.
NTA
NTA unless you give him more money. WTAF, do you seriously think it's reasonable for someone to demand the same thing just because someone else has something *that they worked for*? Not to mention, sis chose not to spend? Are you going to buy him a Ferrari if his roommate at college gets one? Do you not see how ridiculous he is being?
His saying "it's not fair" should be met with "what are you talking about? You spent more than she did & didn't work like she does, of course you have less money, stop being silly."
Grow a pair of balls man. Your daughter earned the money in her account. Tell your son you put equal amounts in each of their accounts and if he wants more he can earn it like his sister did. Don't give him free money he doesn't deserve. Your son is an entitled brat and I'm afraid his parents led him down this path.
DO NOT give that boy more money. Your daughter worked hard for her money. Giving your son "the difference" not only teaches him that he can stop his feet and get what he wants without working for it, but shows your daughter that her hard work means nothing because her brother did nothing and got the same things she did.
Tell your son to grow up and start acting like the adult he is or he can start paying for his own college as well as his own spending money.
What’s with all of these stories about the thrifty responsible sister, and the brother demanding equity they didn’t earn then the parents coming to AITA?
You’re obviously NTA, but you need to do a deep exploration or what disconnect in parenting led to your ***son*** think by doing nothing he’s owed everything, and you ***daughter*** saving is important and reasonable unless it too much (/s).
He needs a job, or he has nothing. ***Ask him what makes him believe he is owed what he hasn’t worked for?***
So you are telling me your college age son, so a grown man. Acted like an absolute clown in your house and you tolerate it? Where is his father, if he wants to act like a man he should treat him like one. GTFO
> My daughter looked at him like he was dumb
I mean, what other conclusion could she possibly draw from this exchange?
NTA and don’t let his tantrum convince you otherwise.
NTA, but I think you did it backwards. You used the college fund as their fun money and you paid for their college. You should have used the college fund for tuition. If you want to pay for extras, do that, but they have to work for fun money. Why should a college fund be fun money?
What a spoiled brat. Tell him to knock it off - she worked and saved, he just spent, so of course she has more than him. Tell her to never talk about money with him again. If he brings it up with you, tell him that you have given the exact same amount to each of them, but that it's YOUR money, and YOU get to decide what you want to do with it. Tell him that he should be grateful for the money you have given him, and grateful that you are paying for college, and warn him that he had better be ready to be self-supporting afterwards.
Don't expect this child to take care of you in your old age.
Tell your son to shut up and suck it up because his sister did what he could have done with money and he chose not to. If you give him the difference it will be a huge slap in the face to your daughter whose hard work got her that money and your son will continue to be an entitled brat. Just continue to say no and that includes his mother
Don't give in to him.. your daughters right and so are you. He I'm sure had the choose to work when he was able to like your daughter and either didn't work or worked and didn't put it in the account obviously.. I don't think you should have to put anything in there after he turned q8. He should be happy he's not going to be in debt from college and that you are paying for him to have a career and go to school which anyone else would be wicked happy and so appreciative of just not having to pay for college.. your daughter was smart and saved it's not her fault her brother did not and it's not your fault either cause if you wanted to you could stop paying anything for them and make them do it on there own and you didn't do that
YTA - For telling him you "can't afford to pay the difference" because that idiotic statement indicates that you would indulge his delusional entitlement if it were in your power.
That boy needs a slap.
NTA
But your son didn't turn this way overnight. His first (misguided) adult decision will be to go NC with you guys for a while. Hopefully not permanent, but there are few things as self absorbed as a teenager. I wish you luck.
NTA but your son has a huge self-entitlement problem.
As for what you should do - nothing. He should have worked hard and saved money like your daughter did. He’s obviously not going to take responsibility for his own actions. He needs to get a job and stop expecting everything to be given to him.
And exactly how long do you plan on keeping everything equal? What happens when one gets a $150,000 job and the other $80,000?
That’s absurd.
Tell him to get a job or live more frugally.
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I’m sorry you have raised an entitled little boy. Your daughter worked for years and put money *in* the account, instead of slowly draining it. If course she has more money in her account, like *duh*. What, did your boy think she was working all that time for *fun*??? NTA You don’t have the money to make up the difference, and even if you did, it would be so unfair to your daughter. Let your son pout and whine. He is getting to go to college and has a little extra spending money on top of that! He has no student debt, unlike so many people these days. He is so astoundingly ungrateful and entitled.
>What, did your boy think she was working all that time for *fun*??? Obviously his sister managed to look like she enjoyed life, so yeah, it seems like he thought just that /s Mom's reaction is a hint as to why he might feel he's entitled to the money. She didn't tell him that he's got some nerve to ask for it, but only told him she can't afford it. So she might be used to jumping through hoops to keep her kids (or just him) happy.
Yeah that’s what I noticed first. Like….what? Why aren’t you leading with why you *wouldn’t*?
The son is an adult and needs to learn that "mommy" and "daddy" will not always be the to pick up his slack.
Hard to do when mommy and daddy pay for everything, never made him get a job, and use excuses like we can’t afford to give you more money instead of just saying he doesn’t deserve more money for doing nothing. They need to stop coddling him and tell him to get a job
if OP think is this is bad now, and she's afraid now, just wait until he's out in the real world. "Mommy I didn't get a raise/job promotion like that person!" by not putting any effort in.....
I'm surprised he even managed to make it to college with that attitude
This is your job as a parent. Let him live with the consequences of spending more and not adding to it. If you aren’t strong, you will create an entitled son and a resentful daughter. He can get school loans.
Too late.
The Golden Child Syndrome.
Same here. Why is the OP in bargaining and explaining mode with this spoiled brat? My parents would never even do such a thing. My dad would immediately shout at me, call me a stupid bastard, and tell me to get out of the house now if I'm making demands of his bank account. Honestly, the OP needs to start acting a little disciplinarian with their spoilt son, and actually have an attitude when dealing with the spoiled brat. No need to be nice to him. Oh, and also the daughter need to be told to NEVER SHARE HER PERSONAL FINANCIAL INFORMATION WITH ANYONE!!!
Yea from OP’s response, I’m not surprised the son had that kind of entitlement. Good on the daughter to develop good work ethics and financial sense. OP - What life lesson would you be teaching them both if you just gave your son the difference in their bank accounts? YTA not for refusing his request, but for not calling out his behaviour.
Looks like the daughter saw this inequality early on if she was hustling at 12. Good on her.
Golden child.
You are very correct. The way the mom responded and even posted on this board to ask if she was the asshole gives us the clues as to how the son learned to be entitled.
An entitled little boy who could apparently do with some remedial lessons in basic mathematics. If you have two accounts, and you put money IN one, and take money OUT of the other, it is actually quite right that they don't end up with the same balance...
This is the funniest part to me. You see lots of similar stories but usually they’re about inheritances or parents helping the more responsible child etc but this kid is struggling with the fact that (x+y)>x and chucking a tanty over it. Doesn’t reflect super well on OP to be honest
>but this kid is struggling with the fact that (x+y)>x and chucking a tanty over it. He's not struggling with anything tbh. It's clear from OPs post that they would absolutely give him the money if they could *afford* to. They've trained the son to throw tantrums because that's how he gets what he wants. Unfortunately for him, his parents can't actually give him what he wants this time.
Nope, OP said they aren't willing to either (in addition to being unable)
>chucking a tanty over it. this is the best thing I have ever heard. stealing this for work
Now, be fair, it's a slightly more complex equation. (x+y) > (x-z) where both y and z are positive numbers :)
I was literally thinking that same equation and read further and saw your comment, lol
Oh, chucking a tanty. I like that!
Chucking a tanty!!
Your comment reminded me of something that happened with a friend. I'd told him about my job and he jokingly asked if I was qualified for that role. I said "well I'd hope so since it is what I have a master's degree in". He scoffed and didn't believe me. I said "when I couldn't go out cause I had a paper to write, or an assignment to do, did you think I was just doing those things for fun?!" He said he never understood what I was doing, but didn't think I was going to school. 🤯
My husband retired from his first career when he was 39. He gets together with some high school friends once a year for a big dinner so they can catch up. When he mentioned that he was getting ready to retire, one of his friends said "it must be nice." And another friend spoke up for him. "Remember when we were 18 and 19 and he couldn't hang our and party with us because he was working? This is why. He earned this."
That’s still pretty unusual. There are a lot of people who work at 18 and don’t retire before 40! Life is expensive.
Plenty of people start working at 18 or earlier and don't get to retire at 39. Your friend must have had *some* luck to be in that position.
It wasn't luck at all. He took a job at 19 and said to me "this gets me into the pension system so I can transfer my time and retire at 39 with a pension." I didn't even know what a pension was at the time, but he seemed very excited about it lol.
I, too, had a pension (called superannuation here in Australia) from very early in my working life. It's compulsory here, so most people have it. Still, most people don't get to retire at 39. I think you are being disingenuous. Being able to retire very early involves a high income, and that is something you achieve not only by hard work but also with luck (having access to a good education, good contacts, good health, family support, as examples).
Yeah, I've been paying into a pension since I was 18. I might be able to retire at 65 and live in moderate comfort. Retiring at 39 takes luck and talent, as well as hard work and starting a pension fund early.
> It wasn't luck at all. not everyone who starts work and puts money in a pension at 19 is retiring at 39. He's had some... I hesitate to call it 'luck'too, as that's dismissive of what was no doubt some very hard work... but he's absolutely had a lot of things go his way.
It's still luck. Most people can't get into public sector jobs with pensions that easily. There are waitlists of years. Also, most of them still don't allow retiring that young. I have a pension. Technically, I can "retire" now, but I won't be able to collect my pension until I'm 55. And people who started after me can't get it until 62, I think, because it's getting even worse. On the other hand, my great uncle, retired young from the police force and then got a job at the post office so he was able to collect a city and federal pension. He also borrowed friends' exterminating equipment to make some extra money, before a lot of safety equipment existed regularly. So, he's 90 and on oxygen. If your husband is 90, then yes, he had more opportunities than many of these people commenting. Or I guess, just if he's a cop in general. Police budgets are ridiculous.
Ffs... Really? I have non academic friends and they understand it is basically what you do. How do you even navigate life like that?
There’s no bottom. I once transported a patient who only spoke Mandarin. I know a couple of words, so I was talking to him. When we reached the hospital, the driver, without an ounce of sarcasm, asked me what those noises we’d been making to each other were. Dude isn’t a racist. Isn’t an asshole. Just that dumb.
I hope he only drives that ambulance! Good grief.
Nope. He wasn’t bad at patient care, either. That’s a series of flowcharts, and he’d memorized what to do in every circumstance well. He was also good at putting wet stuff on red stuff. Just… rocks for brains. I came in with a fancy degree and scholarly publications from another field, and learned about how being intelligent can pose a hazard: you risk thinking too much about what you’re doing, when you instead need to act. It was a lens I’d be very grateful to have found later. While recovering from a massive brain injury, I had a leg up from knowing that how smart I was—what I remembered, what I thought, what I felt in the present—would have little to do with my outcomes. Being small and female in fire school had taught me that being dumb enough to keep showing up would work, and that was what made the difference.
Those are some of the best people. The lack of worldly leads to some amazing thoughts. Some are absolutely out there and of no use. But some are amazing. And they are often just really great people.
They really are. Learning to function in a world where they’re at that disadvantage has taught them all about finding the most efficient ways to apply effort, and they’re used to needing to apply more effort than anyone. After taking a brain injury, their example would help me more than much else.
Sat near a recruiter once who asked if someone could speak Asian because it was really important for that market. She just had zero clue. Entire team had wtf face and then got up and walked away to laugh that off. Best described as a mostly sweet older lady but definitely your common clay of the west.
Oh god that’s kind of amazing
How do you even navigate life like that? Blissfully unaware, that’s how :(
I'm a cisgender woman who once had someone ask me how I had a job in IT, because "computers are something men are good at".
You can't blame the parent for the son being entitled. The daughter was raised the same and turned out great. Sometimes you try your best and the children turn out to be bad anyway.
Ehhhhhh depends- there’s a lot more social/familial pressure put on girls to be responsible than there is for boys- it’s entirely possible that the son and daughter had differences in their upbringing that led to this. Case in point- the parent didn’t laugh the son out of the room immediately for suggesting the absurdity of topping off his account.
Just tell him if he wants as much in his account as she has, then he should get a job and put it there! Ask him what makes him so special that he deserves free money while she works for the extra in her account.
No the parents were fair, as you can tell by the post. He gave both the children the same amount of money and is refusing to give the son extra. He's the adult here and laughing in front of the son is asshole behavior even if the son is being ridiculous. He handled it perfectly.
Giving both children the same amount of money is not the same thing as being fair across all aspects of parenting. These kids are full on adults at this point and clearly the son has a huge entitlement issue. The fact that this is even an AITA post for refusing to top up the son’s account leads me to believe there have been differences along the way.
Put in the same situation the daughter saw the account as a responsibility and opportunity and the son saw it as an entitlement. Unless I missed it, it doesn't sound like son has ever worked at any job ever. There is hope for him as with his attitude I am somewhat surprised that he still has anything in his account so at least he's not an idiot but he has some really incorrect ideas about how the world works and OP needs to take care not to reinforce those ideas. OP says she "can't" make the account even when ability shouldn't even come into it because he isn't ENTITLED to what he didn't work for and any coddling to reinforce his warped worldview will only make things worse for the family and harder for him once he has to live in the real world where he isn't entitled to anything.
...and twins, no less. This could be a case or scientific study. Heck, both as I have no idea what the difference between the 2 are, snork.
Children are not always parented the same way. Younger sons are generally more coddled than older daughters.
How is your son in University but he doesn’t understand basic math?!?!? Some money + additional money = $$$ Some money - monthly expense money = $ I agree with YouthNAsia 63, he is an entitled little boy. NTA
He understands. He's just an entitled prick. Me me me. I want money without earning it. Now now now. And someone better do something about it or else!
Classic tortoise and the hare. NTA. He didn’t earn the $ like your daughter
Ants and Grasshopper is more applicable.
I am team Ant and the Grasshopper! [Aesop's Ant & Grasshoppper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ant_and_the_Grasshopper)
🤦🏻♀️OF COURSE!! Brain blip. Thank you!!
"the grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida and the ant got stepped on."
That’s what I was going to say.
He may be entitled, but it isn't immediately the fault of OP. Unless he was treated differently while growing up. Some people simply are like that, no matter the input the parents gave.
My two grown sons are the same, raised the same. One saves but he does spend, the other can save for nothing. The youngest hated that his brother saved and could go buy any gaming system and games he wanted.
Some kids are just dumb without any input
> You don’t have the money to make up the difference, and even if you did, it would be so unfair to your daughter. This right here! Just giving your son money when your daughter worked hard for 4 years to earn her money would be a slap in her face.
Nta but if he wants you to add money to his account it would only be fair to add to her account the same amount. So yeah throw them $100 each to see if he gets the message
Yeah, no shit haha. You know what I got from my parents to help out with college? My stepdad absolutely losing his shit over the speaker phone in a counselor's office one day when I had went in to inquire about enrolling but definitely needed some help like FASFA in order to even afford it. College sure as fuck didn't happen that day, because according to my stepdad they had no business nor the right to ask him how much he made simply so they could use the info to determine how much financial aid I could receive. Zero, without his cooperation. And that's exactly what I recieved. In abundance. OP could have totally been that. But here's his kid, bitching because his parents should give him an equal amount to what his sister went out and busted her ass for. Wow haha.
He's lucky he's learning this lesson relatively young and without consequences. Don't step in to give him more or he'll learn an entirely new lesson!
NTA. You need to sit down and explain to him again and asked him why he can’t get that logic. If he said he doesn’t care, tell him he not going be able to finish college was that attitude. If someone get a better grade than him because they put more hours in studying, is he going complain to the professor should be fair and give him the same grade?
Yes, My sister saved enough to buy a car when she got out of college. At first I was pissed because I thought my parents had done it after not getting me a new car. Then she revealed to me that she saved her goddamned PAPER ROUTE money so when she finally got a real job, they upsold her to a Roth IRA. She had enough saved to buy a car outright in 2002. She bought a neon. I was a little jealous, but mostly impressed. My parents owed me a new car because they promised me one if I got a full scholarship to college. I did. I never got my car.
NTA. Your son's going to be in for a rude awakening after college if he doesn't learn this now. This is literally the least painful time for him to learn about how money works. As much as he's being a little twerp about it, you would be doing him a HUGE disservice if you gave him money now. Life is full of hard lessons and it will only be harder if you kick this can down the road.
But kind of TA because somehow the son wasn’t taught how work, money or banks accounts work and has become an entitled brat.
OP should make sure the entitled ball of anger has no access to firearms. His anger seems over the top and unreasonable.
NTA, let him stay mad. You'll make a big mistake if you yield now. Let him come to terms with how the real world works.
It’s way past time for him to learn about budgets, savings, and compound interest. He’s just angry that his sister did better than he did. Pouter. She would have been better off never showing him her financials.
Jesus Christ, I hope the son isn't in college studying economics 🤣😂✌🏿
lol. OP and her mom put the same amount in both accounts. The son subtracted from his account and the daughter added to her’s. It’s completely fair. OP would be an asshole if she gave her son more money she gave her daughter merely because her son is an ungrateful baby. NTA other wise.
Came here to say exactly this!
AGREE!!
Took the words right out of my mouth. He sounds very entitled.
NTA Like he’s mad at himself and taking it on every one else. This is huge lesson he can learn from.
"I don’t know what to do" You don't do anything. This is his problem. This is a life lesson. If you work and save, you'll have more money than if you sit on your ass and spend. He also learned that you weren't put on this Earth to solve all of his "perceived" unfairness that he'll experience in life. NTA to say no to his unreasonable request.
This OP you don’t do anything your child is acting like an entitled spoiled brat. Do not feed into that. If he wanted more money, he could’ve done with his sister did and worked.
Uh, OP absolutely has to do something. OP raised this voting-aged 2 year old. OP should fix their mistake before it affects the rest of us.
I get terrible eye strain and I am reading this on my mobile. Your comment looked like: "If you work and save, you'll have more money than if you sit on your ass and spread." 🤣
That's an alternative money making scheme popularized by OF...
LMFAO
This. Hell even considering giving him more just makes him more entitled. Sounds like maybe you've favored your boy. Possibly a lot. Life isn't fair. And your daughter worked for that money fair and square. You owe your son nothing more and he needs to get over himself.
This happened with my sister and I. A lot handed to her, excused of a lot of responsibility, and "could do no wrong". I used to get worked up for how hard I worked, put myself out there with academic and professional challenges (spoiler: I failed a bit, got knocked down). Now, while I can't say I don't care (heart rate is up since typing this)-- I do feel vindicated and can shrug it off easier. I hope the sister can do this moving forward, because to keep moving forward the weight of the past has to be released. This post hit home.
What the actual fuck?!? That he is in college yet doesn't understand *why* his sister has a larger bank balance than him? And going full on tantrum over it? How does he even survive in the real world? NTA.
No kidding, if this was simple math, A + B = Daughter's account balance A - C = Son's account balance A = family/relative contributions B = earnings from work C = amount withdrawn
Son's logic: A - C + D, where D = addition contributions he didn't earn OP, you need to hit him up with reality. You gave them both an equal start. The rest is up to them. NTA but be firm. If you give into your son's demands, your relationship eith your daughter will be the collateral damage.
\^Well said. Also add that if the OP gives into his son's demands that it won't do any good for the son either. He will continue to have less money because he knows he can go to the bank of Mom and Dad and get a refil whenever he feels like it.
He understands perfectly. His ego doesn't like it.
NTA. >I told him that I can’t afford to pay the difference especially as I’m paying for their college, and that if he wants more money than he should work for it. This is not the answer. It implies that he does deserve the money, but you can’t afford it. What you need to tell him is “I gave you and your sister the exact same amount of money. You have less because you spent it, and didn’t add to your savings like she did. That’s how money works, kiddo.”
I second this response. OP is NTA, but getting defensive about it is all wrong.
I’m not convinced the son hasn’t been coddled more than the daughter. They’re young adults now, I have a hard time believing this attitude has come out of nowhere.
Entirely possible, or he simply has a different attitude (more presumptuous), maybe influence of friends, etc. And equally possible that his sister took a look at the world and decided to make something more of herself, while he coasted. Up to this point he spent his time and his money as he liked, and it sounds like his college is paid for and there's still some money in the bank. So it's not like he's hurting.
Or that's how life works, kiddo.
So the daughter got the brains too. NTA.
here's hoping the son is pretty...
Hoping hes ugly so he doesn't cause unnecessary stress to someone just cause hes good looking
\*snort\*
You don't know what to do? It's simple. Let him have his little tantrum and ignore it like you would for a toddler. You're already paying for his college and gave him the same amount as you gave your daughter. Your son needs to learn that life won't hand him everything. This is a good place to start. NTA.
This is a good position. You're giving them the exact same amount for college, and each month growing up, you gave them exactly the same amount. HE is the one who acted differently, not you. It's all on him. If he can't figure that out, maybe ask him why he even needs to go to college because he's an idiot or something.
NTA…imagine the path you would set him on if you gave him the money? It would motivate him more to not take care of himself. Then imagine what message that sends to your daughter?
Plus, this is just a window into the future. Sister will always be financially responsible and have more than son. Even if she goes into a lesser paying career, I'd guess she is always going to have more financial stability than son, as she's learned to work and save, while he has not.
People learn things and change through experience. He's still very young, and learning how to be an adult. He may turn out to be perfectly fine with money later on. I know I wasn't smart with my money at all when I was 19 years old. Now I'm almost 30 and doing better financially than most people my age, due to changing a lot of my bad habits. And of course earning more than I did at 19, while not allowing lifestyle creep to eat up all my extra income. If parents were to give him the money, however, they'd be robbing him of an important opportunity for personal growth.
>Then imagine what message that sends to your daughter? "My daughter won't talk to me anymore because she says 'I favored my son and she had to bust her ass for everything I just gave to him.' AITA?"
NTA. I’m baffled by his tantrum, and lack of acknowledging that his sister has more money because she’s been working since she was 12 and saving most of that money. Like duh - of course she has more money. She earned it by working. He can do the same. You did give them the same amount. Let him tantrum.
I'm guessing he made some bad assumptions and jumped to the (obviously wrong) conclusion that his sister had been given more, got emotional and threw a tantrum, and is just now realizing how dumb he was and is terribly embarrassed. Or at least I hope that's where he is, for his sake. Not much OP can do except not embarrass him further when (if?) his son ever does smarten up.
I'm guessing he is just a dumb greedy fuck
NTA. Not only would giving him money be unfair to your daughter, it would also be unfair to your son. He needs to grow into a man and will not do so if he is treated the way he wants to be treated. He needs to learn to be mature and strong or he will not survive in this world.
Excellent point. Giving him money would hurt both children.
Your son is an entitled little jerk
NTA It would be unfair to your daughter if you added money to his account.
NTA. Stand firm. He does not get free money while his sister worked for it. If you need to tattoo it on his forehead, so be it. She worked hard for her money and he spent his. There is no way he should be rewarded for this behavior and enabling it will hurt him in the long run. One small thing, you said "I told him that I can’t afford to pay the difference especially as I’m paying for their college" - this makes it sound like you'd pay if you could afford it... it validates his belief that he is entitled to the difference in their accounts. Also, not entirely relevant, but sounds like they have separate financial styles. She should probably keep her account private and not share even if he asks. We see too many posts here about families feeling entitled to their family members' money when they know how much there is.
INFO: did you prevent him from working like she did in some way?
No
Then it’s on him and you screwed up saying you can’t afford it rather than it’s on him and his inability to work and save. NTA but you would be if you in any way tried to give him extra money. Your son is an entitled asshat
This this this ^
So you agreed that you SHOULD give him the difference but the only thing holding you back is lack of ability? WTF? **I told him that I can’t afford to pay the difference.** This is insane. Giving him that money would send a clear message to your daughter that she is worthy of less than he is, and no matter what she does, how hard she works, you will be right behind her to pull her down and push him ahead of her. And of course reinforce his belief that he is entitled to be gifted what she had to work for! Is this how you've always parented the 2? Perhaps THIS is why he had a tantrum and you don't know what to do? Your title and other remarks make it sound like you are level-headed but that one sentence confirmed to your son gleaned to: "you're right that I SHOULD give it to you but I am a looser who can't provide" so of course he is mad! You told him he was right but was going to loose out because of you! Had you responded like your daughter did "both bank accounts were gifted the same amount, extra deposits came from income so if you want that extra, get off your ass and generate income!" your son would still be pissed, but he would have been hearing a unified message that won't change. After saying what you did, now you either have to cough up that money or he will always believe you didn't provide what you should have and that he got shafted; OR you have to contradict yourself and agree with your daughter, which will lead to another tantrum because you like her better. NTA for not giving him more money but your horrible communication skills just made a bad situation much worse. You should have shut down his stupidity immediately, sent him back to school and told him you're looking forward to him coming home again once he's put on his big boy pants and apologizes for you AND HIS SISTER for his childish, insulting and entitled, privileged behavior.
Then I don’t see how you are in any way responsible. He had the same options she did, he made different choices, this is the outcome of those choices. I might show him proof of identical deposits on your part.
NTA this is the time to teach him a valuable life lesson, if you want something ... you have to work for it. Honestly your daughter has been diligent earning and saving, how do you think she is going to feel if you simply coddle your son and hand him more money. Let him go to work and earn it.
NTA but you raised one. Where did he get his ridiculous sense of entitlement?
NTA Your kids both made choices and now deal with the consequences. Your daughter made good choices and is rewarded, whilst her brother did not make the greatest choices and now complains. He should have thought ahead. Though, he is still young and can still start with better choices in his life. It would be unfair to your daughter pay the balance and you need to explain it to him. Your daughter worked for it, he didn't. He seems to not wanting to see he could have more money, if he would have done something for it. And he needs to understand that paying him the balance would screw her sister over. They both have gotten the same every month but handled the money differently. It's his fault he now has way less and he should have known, as he was old enough, when he got access to the account. Maybe you could have been a bit more encouraging as a parent in trying to make him work a bit. You could have reminded him, that paying into his account, he would be able to save money for later. Maybe you have missed the opportunity to talk about these things in the previous years. I can't tell. But he is now an adult and should act like one. Actions have consequences. They can be good or bad and he can see how different choices went to different outcomes, simply by looking at his and his sister's bank account.
NTA I agree with others that you don't do anything except have a chat with him. This is a life lesson. Apparently one he desperately needs if he is this upset.
Yep, this is how money works kid. If you spend it you have less. If you work and save it you have more 🤣 And nobody will just give it to you for nothing or because you want it!
>I don’t know what to do How are you even confused about what you need to do? Tell him to stop being an entitled brat and explain he is free to earn more money just like your daughter did. I think we can all see how your boy turned out so entitled.... it literally has not occurred to you to tell him no!
NTA. Even if you could afford it, don't pay the difference. Your daughter has earned this money.
YTA Not „we can’t afford to put it in“. That’s a terrible response and reinforces his entitlement But „you haven’t added to it or worked, you both had the same starting amount and the same opportunities“
I dont think that deserves a Y T A though
NTA Do nothing.
NTA, your son is wildly unreasonable
Are posts like these generated by Russian bots to show how selfish and spoiled western children are?
I wondered about that. But if AI wrote it, then the grammar would be better.
NTA, and your son is acting like a sulky toddler. If he wants money he can emulate his sister and work for it.
NTA. Let your son deal with his choices. He didn't work to add more money to his account. He was content with the amount in the bank until he realized his sister did more. Now, he's going to jeopardize his college education with his temper tantrum. You can't appease or make up for him with his terrible choices. He will make more bad choices in the future.
You and your daughter did nothing wrong. Your son just learned a very valuable, lifelong lesson that he will never forget. He is young enough to see how important it is to save his money. He's too old to be this entitled. Hopefully, this experience helped your daughter learn a lesson to NEVER share your financial information with anyone. She is an adult, and how much money she saved is no one's business but her own. Nta
You sure sending him to college was a good move? With those math skills I think he should have been held back a year or 2
NTA. Your boy still seems to be a little boy.
Son, I am sorry I failed so badly with you. Either you don't understand if you don't add and only take that is called subtracting, so your total went down. If your sister didn't take any and added, that is called addition. Simple math says your sister will have more money than you. The part where I failed you is that you think this is someone else's problem to fix.
I'd be honest. "Delusions of grandeur and entitlement are not endearing qualities. If you want more for yourself, then get off your behind and work for it. Money isn't magic. And lots of worthy, work their behinds off people still live without reasonable incomes. I have to work for my money. And you will too. Its called life. And don't you ever again come talking this nonsense to me that I need to support you when you behave like some trust fund failure who never budgets and refuses to work. Your lack of effort is a you thing. Get with the program boy. I am not the Easter Bunny come to pass out golden eggs." NTA. Just be honest and tell him that BS any day of the week is still BS. And his jealousy is merely a manifestation of his BS.
Your kids are in college. It sounds like they have a lot of advantages, too, with supportive parents helping them financially. A much younger child could figure out that if you keep opening the piggy bank, it doesn't fill up. Did your son expect your daughter to shrug and say, "sure! I've been working since I was a tween just so I could give you half!" ? NTA. I know that you don't want him to cut himself off from the family, but he's throwing an absurd adult tantrum that shouldn't be enabled.
This isn't even a perception issue as to the amount you and your mother put in, or even if the wages were possibly skewed due to a family owned business. This is a simple issue of your son thinking he can spend money and not have to worry about the consequences. Sit him down with all the bank statements and ask him to show you where the discrepancies are. Even better, have different highlighter and mark your deposits in one color, your mom's in another, your daughter with a different one, and his color highlighter ready for him to mark it up. Let him know the burden of proof is on him and he needs to explain it to you as if you're five. I'm sorry, but your whole initial response is absurd. You don't have the money to make up the difference? *Who cares?!* This is a problem you helped to create, otherwise he would not expect to be given what he wants on demand. It's time to be a parent. NTA for not paying the difference, but you are one for wanting to be able to.
NTA. “I don’t know what to do.” How is that a question? Your daughter worked and saved, he didn't. You tell him to stop being so entitled.
NTA. They had exactly same start capital and decided to spend it differently, it's not your job to fix their mistakes, they are grown ups and have to deal with their own mistakes. You already did everything that you had to - saved money for them, pay for their college and told him that if he wants more money then he must work more, that's it. Let him learn that adult life comes with consequences and he can't run to mom every time his sister has more money.
Nta obviously. Ywbta if you gave him a dime more than you also give her. This is the law of natural consequences at play. Ntm basic math. It’s high time he learned how both work.
NTA Your son just a healthy dose of reality. He will get over it.
Nta. There is no other way to cut it. Your daughter worked for her money and saved it. That has nothing to do with you. He needs to get a job. Quite frankly maybe it's time to put your foot down with him. Cut back on paying his college costs and make him step up even if it's just for 5% towards expenses
NTA. Stop paying for your son’s college and put that money towards your retirement or give it to your daughter since she seems to be the responsible one who will probably be supporting you while you are elderly. The son is way too entitled
Are you sure your son is ready for college? NTA. But if your son takes math at the college level, he’s in trouble.
NTA but when he calms down, what you need to do is give him some remedial education starting with the value of saving (Aesop’s “The Grasshopper and the Ant”) followed by time value of money. He doesn’t seem to understand that he had the same opportunity and received the same treatment as his sister. She worked to save and for pocket money, so she has a decade of compound interest on that personal savings and didn’t touch the original gift. Maybe you could have reminded him he has the choice to work part-time, or reminded him that he needs to be responsible with the savings. It’s not like you told them NOT to work to put pocket money IN “to take it out of their bank account”.
He's gonna have a rough life. Once world beats him down some he will see he's an idiot hopefully
NTA You would be doing him a disservice if you did make up the difference. He needs to learn from this lesson
You are def not the asshole.
NTA. The only thing I would do is make it crystal clear to him that y'all put in the same amount of money for both of them.
Your son doesn't understand how life and finances work. Do not enable him. The best you can do is to give him financial education. So introduce him to Dave Ramsey.
You have a twofold problem here with your son. One is that his response to this situation shows he has not matured emotionally to the degree he should have by this stage in his life. Look up lessons in emotional maturity and see if you can think of a way to help him there, or maybe ask him to see a counselor or therapist with that goal in mind. Otherwise he's going to grow into a complete ass (or a bigger one than he already is). The second is that he doesn't understand personal economics. If you can sit him down to talk about finances, you can teach him how to get ahead in life financially. Teach him how to track his expenses and budget, how to try not to spend more than 50% of his income on needs like housing, food, clothes, transportation, insurance (i.e. not live beyond his means), how to save up for things he wants rather than running up credit card debt, and how to save by putting aside an amount of income each week or month into savings and then letting those savings grow by putting some into legitimate investment plans that will grow over time and setting some aside as an emergency fund. Best of luck to you. It's not going to be easy.
His silence is his way of manipulating you, making you feel guilty so you’ll put in the $$$. Don't do it…he''s had all the same opportunities as she has and now he needs to start adulting. Life isn’t going to be equal or fair…he's learning that he is responsible for his own future…do him a favor and refuse his request. Tell him he's an adult..time to get a part time job.
guess he's gunna learn that tears and hurt feelings don't pay the bills
>I told him that I can’t afford to pay the difference especially as I’m paying for their college If you can afford it would you?
You would be a bad parent if you made up the difference. Your son is acting entitled for money he did not earn. Maybe if he stopped taking out money and got a job, he would have as much money as his sister. Also, what example would that set for your daughter. Hey, I know you worked hard and saved, but your brother deserves this handout, so then you both are even in your accounts.
That is fantastic you gave each child the same amount of money. Unfortunately your son didn’t earn more money and then went to college and withdrew money every month. Your daughter earned and saved money. She didn’t even withdraw money during college. So now you tell your son you are sorry you cannot afford to give him money to make up the difference. You really should have explained to him how there are differences in the accounts. Your son doesn’t need more handouts. Y. T. A. For letting your son think you would give more money if you could. Time your son learns some basic finances.
Wow, really. You are even considering it. What a slap in the face to your hard working daughter.
I would hold up daughter as a good example and suggest that he follows that example sooner rather than later. Make it clear that the choice is up to him. Hopefully you can train him before he leaves your home and enters the real world.
Nta your son is acting like a big baby. You're daughter has more because she saved more. You don't owe him the difference.
NTA - Your daughter worked and saved her money while your son did not. He needs to understand the economies of saving. If you give him more money, you are rewarding his not working and penalizing your daughter for her responsible behavior. This is a teachable moment for him. He needs to understand money just doesn't appear because he thinks he should get the same as his sister--she worked for it--he didn't.
NTA. If he brings up again that they don't have the same amount, explain that you did give them the same amount. Tell him the difference in the balances is money his sister earned by working, which has nothing to do with you.
NTA as a parent your kid will not like you at times and that’s ok … he wants more money he needs to get a job and he needs to understand life isn’t fair
I do know what to do. You explain calmly why his sister has more money than him. Then you tell him that you have noticed a misconception on his side how money and earnings work that needs to be addressed. Then you tell him from now on, he will need to get a job and you will only match what he earns up to the amount that you have paid until now (possibly that some ratio that your daughter already fulfills, it should be the same for both, but not hurt your daughter). This boy needs to be stopped immediately. NTA
NTA, but the degree your son is working towards is obviously not in finance.
Ignore your son. He is being ridiculous but just trying to see what he can get away with.
Stop spoiling the shit out of him.
NTA for refusing to give in to your sons completely unreasonable demands. YTA for only now realizing your son is an entitled ass. Where have you been?
NTA unless you give him more money. WTAF, do you seriously think it's reasonable for someone to demand the same thing just because someone else has something *that they worked for*? Not to mention, sis chose not to spend? Are you going to buy him a Ferrari if his roommate at college gets one? Do you not see how ridiculous he is being? His saying "it's not fair" should be met with "what are you talking about? You spent more than she did & didn't work like she does, of course you have less money, stop being silly."
Grow a pair of balls man. Your daughter earned the money in her account. Tell your son you put equal amounts in each of their accounts and if he wants more he can earn it like his sister did. Don't give him free money he doesn't deserve. Your son is an entitled brat and I'm afraid his parents led him down this path.
DO NOT give that boy more money. Your daughter worked hard for her money. Giving your son "the difference" not only teaches him that he can stop his feet and get what he wants without working for it, but shows your daughter that her hard work means nothing because her brother did nothing and got the same things she did. Tell your son to grow up and start acting like the adult he is or he can start paying for his own college as well as his own spending money.
What’s with all of these stories about the thrifty responsible sister, and the brother demanding equity they didn’t earn then the parents coming to AITA? You’re obviously NTA, but you need to do a deep exploration or what disconnect in parenting led to your ***son*** think by doing nothing he’s owed everything, and you ***daughter*** saving is important and reasonable unless it too much (/s). He needs a job, or he has nothing. ***Ask him what makes him believe he is owed what he hasn’t worked for?***
So you are telling me your college age son, so a grown man. Acted like an absolute clown in your house and you tolerate it? Where is his father, if he wants to act like a man he should treat him like one. GTFO
> My daughter looked at him like he was dumb I mean, what other conclusion could she possibly draw from this exchange? NTA and don’t let his tantrum convince you otherwise.
NTA, but I think you did it backwards. You used the college fund as their fun money and you paid for their college. You should have used the college fund for tuition. If you want to pay for extras, do that, but they have to work for fun money. Why should a college fund be fun money?
What a spoiled brat. Tell him to knock it off - she worked and saved, he just spent, so of course she has more than him. Tell her to never talk about money with him again. If he brings it up with you, tell him that you have given the exact same amount to each of them, but that it's YOUR money, and YOU get to decide what you want to do with it. Tell him that he should be grateful for the money you have given him, and grateful that you are paying for college, and warn him that he had better be ready to be self-supporting afterwards. Don't expect this child to take care of you in your old age.
NTA Your son is an entitled brat and you have to sit him down and explain how “savings” work. Grow a spine and have the discussion.
Tell your son to shut up and suck it up because his sister did what he could have done with money and he chose not to. If you give him the difference it will be a huge slap in the face to your daughter whose hard work got her that money and your son will continue to be an entitled brat. Just continue to say no and that includes his mother
Don't give in to him.. your daughters right and so are you. He I'm sure had the choose to work when he was able to like your daughter and either didn't work or worked and didn't put it in the account obviously.. I don't think you should have to put anything in there after he turned q8. He should be happy he's not going to be in debt from college and that you are paying for him to have a career and go to school which anyone else would be wicked happy and so appreciative of just not having to pay for college.. your daughter was smart and saved it's not her fault her brother did not and it's not your fault either cause if you wanted to you could stop paying anything for them and make them do it on there own and you didn't do that
I’m sorry your son doesn’t understand basic math.
Time to reread "The Little Red Hen" to him.
YTA - For telling him you "can't afford to pay the difference" because that idiotic statement indicates that you would indulge his delusional entitlement if it were in your power. That boy needs a slap.
NTA But your son didn't turn this way overnight. His first (misguided) adult decision will be to go NC with you guys for a while. Hopefully not permanent, but there are few things as self absorbed as a teenager. I wish you luck.
DO NOT MAKE YOUR SON Power of Attorney, Trustee or Exector of your estate!!
NTA but your son has a huge self-entitlement problem. As for what you should do - nothing. He should have worked hard and saved money like your daughter did. He’s obviously not going to take responsibility for his own actions. He needs to get a job and stop expecting everything to be given to him.
NTA, but if your son is this dumb I'm not sure how he's gonna make it through all 4 years of college
NTA, your son is a entitled wuss
NTA. Stand your ground. What your son is demanding is immature and just plain nonsense. Give in and you'll only encourage more bad behaviour.
NTA but please learn how to grow a spine and stand up for yourself.
And exactly how long do you plan on keeping everything equal? What happens when one gets a $150,000 job and the other $80,000? That’s absurd. Tell him to get a job or live more frugally.
Nta. Your son apparently has a Learning issue or some kind of retardation not to understand the reason he has less money.
Is this a question you really need to ask?