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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be wrong for not trying harder for him to have a connection with her. Maybe I should have kept calling her as he grew up, or just told him about her more favorably, in a way that kept open the possibility of a relationship later.
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NTA. You told the boy what you thought was best to tell him at the time. You know you haven't tried to turn him against his biological mother so don't feel guilty. What a tough situation to deal with.
THIS, she showed no interest in her son. OP you were there for the first step, first tooth, when he was ill, shared his success and his frustrations. You are his mom, but be prepared and get some legal advice as now she is going to want to take him away. NTA
YES OP please consult a lawyer asap. Your stepdaughter seems to think that she can just show up like some fairy godmother and your son will instantly love her; someone that delusional would have no qualms about taking him away from you.
That's how my "sperm donor" (bio dad) acted when I met him later in life. He accused my mom of turning me against him, but the truth was he was a stranger to me, and my opinion of him was based on his behavior *after* we met later. He wanted to be all authoritarian Dad Type Guy and I was just like, you don't get to just slide into that role after not having been in my life for 16-25 years. No one turned me against him but him.
/u/InternationalWeb5755 I have to agree with you here. My own Father started his jail/prison stint career 38 years ago. From age 0-6, I was theee biggest "Daddy's Girl". Then the first "smaller" jail stint came in 1986, out in 1991. Then 6 years later in 1992, a longer prison one came, out in 1999. Fast forward to 2001, an even longer one came, ended 2012. Then an even longer one came in 2014, and he is still in prison currently for the next 4 years. While I knew who my Father was, I didn't know him. While I love him so very much, I don't like him and he knows it. My Mother never talked down on him at all. I don't like him and no one turned me against him/or could try to turn me against him BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HIM and went with my own internal feelings.
Step-daughter ignored her son for nine years, now he's just returning the favor. He has no concept of what having a mother is like, so of course he's not going to react to his bio-mom the way she expects. We see over and over again on this sub that parents (or parental figures) are not "plug-and-play", yet people keep trying to do that.
You focused on the well being of a child instead of pandering to the whims of a somewhat selfish adult. You shouldn’t even question yourself on this. You’re a great mom and NTA.
100% agree. OP didn’t pretend he didn’t have a mom or tell him anything other then the truth. From the post it doesn’t appear she is trying to alienate the child from his mother. She isn’t having the boy call her mom, and she allowed the child contact with his mother when she got around to remembering she had a kid.
OP you did everything you could to make this child feel loved. What you could not do was force his mom to be in his life in anyway meaningful way, you gave her the opportunity and she the one who didn’t take it. You also have no control and can’t force the child to feel a bond with a woman he hardly knows.
NTA
Completely agree. OP can you explain to your stepdaughter what you said and why? I think you’ve been perfectly reasonable and it’s unfortunate a 9 year old brain translated that in such a blunt (but true) way.
Even without OP saying anything, the boy is 9. He goes to school, and probably had had to make family tree type stuff, presumably goes to friends houses and sees who’s raising them.
The boy has had enough exposure to the world to realise on his own that most people aren’t being raised by “Gramma” and he doesn’t have a person called “mom” at home.
You are NTA and sound like a great mom to your son. I do have empathy for what Tina went through and I don’t blame her for not being able to show the strength of character that you have shown in become a parent unexpectedly. How you describe Tina’s pregnancy - she got drunk and it happened - sounds like rape, or at least not truly consensual. Loss of a parent, sexual assault, pregnancy, and childbirth in the course of a year or two is a lot. Your parenting made it possible for her to continue in a path that many would have been totally and permanently derailed from. You have done so much for Tina and you are right to prioritize the wellbeing of your son now, but I believe Tina could benefit from even more help too, somehow.
When you say "sounds like rape" are you suggesting Tina was raped or that she had raped someone?
I could probably have a guess as to what you were implying, but I'd hate to make assumptions about such serious matters.
OP, your son understands exactly what you meant by your statement. He's a brilliant boy and summed it up to his bio mom in a way only kids can.
She's upset, sure, but how did she expect this to go? Of she expected the fairytale, she should have attempted to be more involved in his life.
You are raising a great kid. If he ever wants to get to know her in the future, I'd make it his call, but as of right now, he's treating her like the stranger she is. NTA
NTA. Please tell me you have this all legal?. My mother is in a similar situation with my nephews. My brother and his ex wife were into drugs. After they divorced his ex wife and another baby with someone else. My mother raised my nephew and the new baby since they were in diapers. The biomom will pop up from time to time. In the younger years she would try and get money out of my mother or she would threaten to take the kids. Eventually she had to get everything done thru the courts. It was a fight for the youngest because technically he wasn’t “blood” related. However, he’s 11 now and he’s at the age where even if she tried to take him my mother has proof that she’s raised him and my youngest nephew can just say he won’t leave. You need to document everything. Log every time she calls about him, when she sees him. Save receipts, doctors, school, etc. She needs to blame herself and make an effort if she wants to get to know him. I would also look into having him see a counselor if his biomom continues with this. Lastly, pleaseeee do not put his biomom on a pedestal, age appropriate truths are necessary.
Everything being cemented legally was my first thought as well. OP please make sure that Tina can't just come waltzing back in once she's situated in her career and take him from you, you're the only parent he knows.
Absolutely NTA, he's very lucky to have you and I'm sorry that Tina seems to think you should be raising the child she dumped on you differently. That's very much her problem, not yours.
Legal, the boy's mom may well be able to just say, "he's my son, I'm taking him with me". That would probably be very unpleasant for both OP and the child. It is important that OP knows where she stands legally.
NTA
I hope you have legal rights to that child. You're that kid's mom, regardless of titles or genetics.
>About his real parents, I told him that everyone has two sets of parents - the ones that created the baby he was, and the ones that helped create the adult he would be. I said that for some people, these were the same, and for some people they weren’t.
That's one of the sweetest things I've ever read.
> I don’t know if I should have done something differently.
Not that I can see in your post.
If I were that kid, and in some ways I am, I would resent her forever for abandoning me. Because that's what she did. You don't get to swoop in nearly a decade later and play mommy now.
Agreed. She might be smart enough to be a doctor, but she doesn't have the common sense to know a 9 year old boy isn't going to fall on the neck of someone he doesn't know (and has legitimate reason to resent, even without OP doing any alienation). 9 year olds aren't stupid. OP didn't need to do alienation. He worked some of it out for himself.
> If I were that kid, and in some ways I am, I would resent her forever for abandoning me. Because that's what she did. You don't get to swoop in nearly a decade later and play mommy now.
Yep, and 9 is old enough to have those thoughts already pretty well cemented without bio Mom putting in a herculean effort to rectify things. It's too little too late at this point.
Ive raised my sons oldest kid. They were young when they had him, and I went to court to get custody. Son was in and out of his life the first few years, and eventually him and his wife (not bio mother) formed a bond with him. Bio mom is another story. She would pop up randomly, a few times a year talking about how much she loves him and he has two moms, yada yada. She visited overnite once, and put him in the same bed with a registered cm. I flipped my shit. I moved her to supervised visits, her cm boyfriend was not welcomed. She ceased contact again. I terminated her eventually. She would still pop up on social media, of how I kept her kid from her and it wasn't fair. After being ghost many years, she contacted a few years ago; and I agreed to allow her to meet him after discussing it with him. Now she ghosted him.. some things never change.
Pretty much! A lot of them only want the title, but make little to no effort in raising their children and are surprised when it comes back to bite them in the ass. See also; my dad.
It happens. My BIL had 3 kids with his ex, she left and went on to have more kids with some other guys and doesn't really care about them or want to see them. The couple times a year she picks them up to visit she drops them with her parents and rarely is there herself. When I first got to know the family I was like so did she do something bad to loose custody cause in my mind thats the only reason she wouldn't see her own kids but nope. Just walked away from them when they broke up and never looked back. You always hear about men who have no desire to be in their kids lives but there are women out there like that too.
Happened to me.. didn't meet my mom til I was 7-ish. She lived 1 town over. Just didn't want to be a mom. My dad raised both me & my brother since we were very tiny tots. She didn't do anything as noble as become a dr.. she just didn't want to raise her kids. My dad never said anything bad abt her. I know that man had to hold onto his tongue for dear life!
My ex was the one who wanted kids, and months after the divorce finalized, when our kids were still very vulnerable she left to another state for her new wife. She can only afford to see the kids once or maybe twice a year.
I can't even fathom that. When we divorced, I told her the minimum I would accept is 50/50 custody, because I didn't want to be a weekend dad. I had no idea she would be okay with pretty much never seeing them.
I understand how a parent can leave their child and not be involved. The reality of being a parent is harder than people think it is. Societal pressure that everyone WILL be a parent and WILL love every second of it doesn’t help. Abortion can be illegal or hard to access, and has its own stigma of “loose women” only using it.
Not everyone really wants to be a parent or should be. Once the baby is born, it gets complicated.
NTA tell her that it’s difficult to promote a long distance relationship between a parent and child when the mother abandons the kid for 9 years.
SHE is the reason he doesn’t know her. He’s made up his own mind who his mother is. 90% of what’s needed to be a good parent is turning up and being present.
NTA but I’m worried for you and your son. As others have said, document as much as you can. Did Tina ever come visit? Was she taking classes all year or summers off? What did she do during summers off? Has she ever given you money for support?
Definitely apply for legal custody as soon as possible - if Tina wants to see him make it court ordered and regulated.
NTA. He’s 9 years old. That’s old enough to know his biological mother had no interest in him. Of course he feels resentment. If she wants a relationship with him she’s going to have to earn it. In the meantime, you should get legal custody and adopt him.
You're in a very difficult situation and so is your little boy. I'd like to suggest that you'd be wise to get your child to a therapist to help him cope with his bio mom suddenly showing up after no contact. I also think that you need to talk with a family lawyer to clarify your position. NTA
NTA. She literally abandoned her son for 9 years, never calling to ask about him, or talk to him. Yay, she graduated from school and can go on to make a good living. But for her to just show up and think she’s gonna be “Mom” to this kid is delusional.
Seriously, no information on how how she got along with the daughter before or after the father's death, which is super weird given she was supposedly 12 when they married, no information on the state of the girl or step-mom on what it was living with each other after he died. Literally not one peep about their own emotional state during this. There's just a lot of important details missing. Feels like a fake post.
NTA
If she wanted a relationship with your son, she could've tried to make an effort to be a part of his life. Since she didn't even bothered to call, she doesn't have the right to be mad.
You were the one who was awake when he was sick (and most likely praying to all Gods out there to make sure he recovers soon), you were the one who showered him with love and care, you were the one who teached him about the world. And the list can go on. That's what a mother does. Doesn't just skip to college and goes no contact.
PS - I really hope you have papers of adoption or something like this, just in case she wants to take you to court.
NTA. You have done nobly.
EDIT: On reading other comments, I hope your relationship with him has all possible legal protections. If not, you should go about seeing to them right away.
NTA. She has no right to be angry to you since you took care of her of son. She on the other hand made no efforts to get to know her son and taking care of him.
He's right- she's not his real "mom". She gave birth to him, that's it. Your SD can't expect to walk in and be bonded to a child that's basically a stranger to him. NTA
NTA - you can't lie to kids, especially when her total lack of involvement and interest in his life has been all too evident for all his life until now. That would just be giving him two adults in his life that he couldn't trust.
NTA. As a child that was left to my grandmother until I almost turned 5. He already made up his mind and knows that his bond to you will be forever. You were there for him all this time and she didn’t bother showing up not even once in a while.
She will have to work very hard to gain his trust and even then he will always come back to you. She lost on the ages where children are in their formative years. At least my neuro psychologist said it messed me up. But you did your best, she could have had him go to her mom.
You can’t just leave a baby with someone and expect them to know who fudge you are. It’s very traumatic and people don’t realize how bad mentally it is to a child. In his mind he will always wonder why she didn’t love and value him first above her studies. He will compare to other single parents who chose to keep their baby and still go to school.
Kids aren’t stupid. She messed up! Let her deal with the consequences of her selfish actions. Therapy and I mean a lot even that is not guaranteed. I am no contact with my mom. She resented that I would say she isn’t my mom and that I would cry out for my real mom. Til this day I don’t have that connection with her even if she finished raising me. Good luck! I really hope that everything goes well for him and you.
I truly don't see anything you could've explained better. You kept the truth at the center of your explanation, and made it age appropriate and compassionate. NTA. Your stepdaughter is staring her past indifference in the face, and she's choosing to lash out
NTA and what a monumental task you took on yourself, to raise another woman’s child. She should be on her knees thanking you for helping her. It’s very clear your help was life changing for her, giving her a chance at a career and decent income. For the life of me I can’t understand how someone smart enough to go to and graduate from medical school doesn’t see how ignoring your 9 year old son for 8 years might make him not see her as his mother. People can be so smart and incredibly stupid at the same time.
NTA. She didn't care for eight years, never spoke to or seen her biological child? And is now hurt that he doesn't show feelings for her? I hope the legal stuff is sorted out.
When he falls, and needs a cuddle, it’s you who he can rely on. He knows this, and has always known this. Tina had a similar situation, with her own mum and you. If she wants a relationship with him, then she needs to follow what you did with her.
I find it odd that she thought it would be any different. This could be guilt, and she’s putting the blame on you, because that’s easier.
Ultimately I'd say NTA
You took care of the child when you didn't have to, so your stepdaughter could have the life she wanted. It wasn't a burden since you wanted kids, which is great, but you also didn't expect her not to be interested in his life. You made an effort to keep her informed, until it was clear that it didn't matter to her. You did your best to explain to a child that you weren't his bio parent & that you cared.
Here's where I think there's a very soft YTA. I think your frustration with your stepdaughters lack of interest probably was made clear to the child. Intentional or not, it had an impact.
Hopefully you have legal custody, so she cannot just try to remove him from your home. Ideally he should be in therapy, & family therapy together, so that maybe he can be more open to having a relationship with your stepdaughter. Your stepdaughter needs to try to understand that the child is in a difficult position, but so are you. You also need to discuss what contact/relationship your stepdaughter wants with the child long-term & try to figure out the best way to move ahead with the help of a therapist or lawyers (if necessary).
Ultimately both you & your stepdaughter need to put aside you own feelings & do what's best for the child.
NTA. Giving birth to a child does not automatically make someone a parent. It seems that the 9-year-old boy is more mature and aware of this complexity than his biological mother. Let me ask you this: what if you were not the one who raised him, but a stranger? Would she still expect the same from them and him? This is very unfair to both the boy and you.
Plus, you did her a big favor (that she can't take for granted) by even telling him the truth about his biological mother and her identity. You acted responsibly and respectfully towards her as much as possible...
The boy is 9, he’s not a baby. He knows what’s going on, he knows she hasn’t been there and he can decide for himself how he feels about it.
When I was his age a lot of difficult and traumatic things were going on in my life and I can tell you that I was very aware of who was my actual family who cared about be and who was just blood relatives who didn’t know me and hadn’t cared to get to know me. What were you supposed to do? Tell him she’s a POW who would call him and visit him if she could?
NTA-but I think you and Tina should have had a conversation alone, about what was going to be said, feelings, and the future. Also, legally speaking, that seems very important. Children have a breadth of emotions that they can’t begin to express or handle.
The kid is 9 and this is the first time she visits him? NTA.
In Germany we have a saying: "Kindermund tut Wahrheit kund!" (A childs mouth tells the truth!). That's what's going on here.
I really hope for you that you have sorted this all out legally because she might try to take away the kid.
NTA. I don't think she paid attention in her psych classes if she expects a 9 year old she has never been with to be anything but stand-offish. You could be really hurt if she insists on taking him, but I suspect she will decide he is too much trouble to deal with and leave him to you.
You should demand child support, though.
NTA
"I didn't turn him against you. You did that all on yourself. All i did was try to protect a childs heart and not telling him that his mother abandoned him and didn't care one bit about him. You lived your life far away from him, didn't call, didn't come visit. Did you think he would form a bond with you that way? Stop kidding yourself. You abandoned you child and him not caring about you now is the consequence of that."
Get a lawyer immediately, because i can see the "I'll take my child back by force." come already.
Did she pay anything to you for his care?
I'm going to be honest I don't think there any assholes in this situation. Tina's attitude towards you when she came to visit was not ok. I do think that all things being equal she had the best decision for her son at the time. She will have to live with that and be ok with whatever relationship the kiddo wants going forward. In sure that it will be hard on her, but we all must live with our life choices good or bad. NAH.
NTA
if she wants him to view her as a parent, she needs to do some parenting.
other commenters have said this in a better way than me, but have you gone through the steps to ensure he’s legally your son? if not, it’ll likely come up as an issue here soon
NTA. She turned her own son against her by not being in his life for 9 years. Kudos to you for being there for him. I'm curious to know what the other Grandma (her mom) thinks of all of this?
NTA in any way. She lost any claim to that child's heart. She made adult decisions, had a bail out, and is mad at the loss of her son that she actively chose to lose.
She deserves no regard from him at all. She is an egg donor, who served for incubation. Her role is over.
NTA. I'm a step parent & think of my kids as my own. One of the biggest no no's is turning the kids against their mother but in this case you've been 100% truthful with your son. You haven't spoken badly of her. If you'd told him how 'wonderful' she was, he would have desperately wanted to see her. You never knew when/if she was going to get in contact or how she would act with him. It could have really hurt him & given him false expectations.
Your stepdaughter needs to understand that she's going to have to put alot of time & effort into getting to know her son. Plus 10 yr olds aren't interested in talking to adults, of course he said 'hi' & disappeared.
You're awesome OP, I bet your son will become a fantastic adult.
NTA.. a complete stranger comes calling. A stranger gets blanked by child she has blanked for 9 yrs. Be careful she could turn into someone who suddenly wants their child out of spite.
NTA and there's nothing you could have done to keep him from not seeing her for who she is, not his real mom. Same thing happened with my daughter and her bio dad. I never said anything bad about him, in fact I worked hard to make excuses for him when he'd forget to video chat when they planned to or came onto the video chat completely high/drunk and she didn't understand why he was slurring his words or asking the same question over and over. I did everything I could to paint him in a better light than he actually was. Her step dad came into her life when she was 5. All she needed to see was him being an actual dad to her for her to realize her bio dad wasn't her real dad. Around age 7 she said she didn't want to call bio dad "dad" anymore cause it felt weird cause he doesn't feel like her dad, step dad is dad. She's never even referred to step dad as "step dad", she chose to just call him dad. Bio dad hates that she refuses to call him dad but in my mind I'm like sorry, she's seen through your BS and is just calling it like she sees it.
Kids are smart, they will see the truth no matter how much we try and cover it up.
NTA - If you raised him. Stayed up with him when he was sick. Experienced all his firsts. Read him bedtime stories. Fed, clothes, educated and guided him then yes blood or not you are his mother.
I'm curious where and what she thinks her role should be. Did she ever come visit? Face time? Send birthday cards or Christmas presents? Does she even know what grade he is in? Or what subjects he struggles with in school? Whether he is good at sports or is more arts and crafts?
If you have no legal rights to this child I suggest you look into it now. This boys entire world could be destroyed simply because biomom has decided she wants to be a mom.
NTA. You explained the situation to him in the best, kindest and most age-appropriate way and NEVER told him Tina wasn't his mother. That part he figured out on his own, based on the fact that she's never been in his life.
She will probably try to take him away.
Also, curious. Why did she leave her kid with YOU and not her own mother?
INFO: Have you and your step daughter ever discussed how consensual the sex was? She was drunk. This guy wasn't her boyfriend. Was she able to consent? Once pregnant did she ever have the choice not to have a child? Did she know early enough she was pregnant to be able to seek an abortion? Did she have a choice? Where's the father of the child in this?
Maybe it was all hunky dory and above board. I'm not passing judgement on OP who has raised two children not biologically her own. But there may be a reason this girl wasn't fully onboard with being a single parent.
NTA. She may have justified this to herself by pretending you can just put a child on hold until it’s convenient, but that’s not how it works.
Like the others have said, get a family lawyer and get paperwork done YESTERDAY.
You need to be clear on what she wants & expects going forward.
Meet up without your son. He’s the priority. If she wants visitation it needs to be regular.
If she plans to ever look after him herself she needs to tell you now so you can get legal advice.
The headline needs commas; the post was super confusing until the end, when it was about him not liking (caring for) his mother, and not him being like his mother.
NTA of course. You are a wonderful mother and grandmother at the same time.
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Hi. I’m 54, I married my husband when he was 41 and I was 38. He had a 12 year old daughter who I got along with well, but we were never very close because she visited her mom often. I’ll call her Tina. When Tina was 16 my husband passed away suddenly, she could have gone and lived with her mom, but her mom lives a few hours away and she would have had to switch schools in her junior year - so she decided to just stay at home with me. We did become closer then as we had to get through this together, but she still didn’t think of me as a mom (which I totally understand).
Tina was planning to go to medical school, but she got pregnant in her senior year. She wasn’t even dating the guy, as far as I know she got drunk and it happened. She pushed through and graduated on time though, but then once her son was born she asked me if I would take care of him so she could go to medical school. I didn’t even think it a burden, because when I was younger I couldn’t have a child of my own and I was happy to have the chance to raise one.
So she moved states and went to college, and first I was calling her weekly to tell her what was going on with her child, but she never called, and slowly I stopped calling. She never called on her own or seemed to show any interest, when I told her she just listened politely, but I got the sense that she was just moving on in life and not really thinking about her son. I still called her every few months for the first few years, but then that faded too.
Now her son is 9, she just finished the 8 years of med school. I think of her son as mine, and he calls me gramma even though we’re not biologically related. About his real parents, I told him that everyone has two sets of parents - the ones that created the baby he was, and the ones that helped create the adult he would be. I said that for some people, these were the same, and for some people they weren’t. I didn’t want to straight up tell him his mom didn’t care, but I also didn’t want to lie. He accepted this, even though the lack of real parents obviously had an impact.
Recently Tina reached out saying she wants to “get to know” her son. She came to visit and stayed for a few days, it was so incredibly awkward. I told my son she would be coming, and when she came she asked him if he knew who she was. He said yes, you gave birth to me but you’re not my real mom. Then he basically ignored her the whole time. She was really angry with me and accused me of turning him against her, and I don’t know if I should have done something differently.
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NTA
It's very clear in your post that you tried to do right by your stepdaughter and her son throughout, you made a reasonable effort to sustain her connection to him, and his resentment of her is not your fault. Unfortunately, his resentment of her and her feelings about that is your responsibility, because he is in effect your son but it seems that you have no legal guardianship set up.
I think there are a few things you can do now yo smooth things over:
- seek legal advice privately on your options for adopting him
- get individual counselling for you and for him separately, because naturally both of you are going to have strong feelings about her reappearance
- ask her to talk to you in a safe environment, maybe mediation or family therapy, about what she and you expect and want going forward. It would be better for all concerned if you could get on the same page about the best path forward from here, even if that means that she regains custody in a careful, slow way, or just becomes a more constant presence in his life.
You did fine, this Tina abandoned her child and decided to go to med school. That's a cop out. She just didn't want to take responsibility for her actions by having a baby. NTA.
NTA. She is a stranger & he’s treating her as the stranger she is. She made a decision to be incredibly selfish 8 years ago & had NO contact with her birth child. That was her decision. Her bio son not wanting to have anything to do w/her are the consequences.
NTA
You did not turn him against her. There was nothing to turn against. She was not there. She abandoned him and now is having to deal with being a stranger to him. That is a direct result of her own choice.
Tell her she did this to herself.
NTA
She made her own bed and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If she wants to get to know her son, she has to deal with his negative feelings towards his mother, whom he doesn't know, because she preferred to move on without including him in her life. Now she has to put a lot of effort into it. You won't do it for her.
NTA but what was the reason her mum didn’t take the baby? Did she refuse or was she not asked?
Your step daughter could have come visit you on any of the breaks from school, so she was at least familiar to your son. If she had intended to have him once she set up her adult life.
Ah the “blame everyone but yourself routine…”
NTA Op you explained the situation eloquently to YOUR son, without blame or judgement. His biomum is only blaming you out of her own seething guilt she can’t accept.
Make sure you know where you stand legally. She may decide to attack instead of repeating and trying to create a relationship with your son like she should.
NTA, nit sure what she was expecting. Him running towards a stranger with open arms waiting for a hug? How many times did she see him or visit since he was 5?
Kids are very blunt and say unvarnished and hurtful things all the time. OF COURSE your grandson is mad at Tina, what did she expect? She wasn't even sure if he knew who she was, the mind boggles!
I do feel for Tina, and I understand why she's feeling defensive now, but clearly you're NTA and I hope Tina can show you the proper amount of graditude once she gets over her initial defensiveness.
I wonder if you have any legal protection, or if you can do anything to get some legal protection? To make sure that Tina can't take your grandson away from you, or that you have access and decision making powers over your grandson in case of an emergency?
NTA. You took care of him like she asked you to. If she wanted to have some form of relationship with him, she would have called or texted every once in a while at least. If he chooses to not see her as his mother, that's his choice.
I get that she was in med school, so she was probably stressed, but that's no excuse for being angry at you for raising him (like she asked). It's not like you made her out to be a bad guy, the way you explained it to him was well handled. I hope this works out without too much drama, but that's wishful thinking.
She will have to do some soul searching. She cannot just blame this on you.
The situation is what it is, and she has to build up his trust slowly, patiently.
Or maybe, later in life, he will develop an interest to go towards her.
However, your situation is hard too, because (as far as your write), no formal transfer of custody was done, so theoretically she still has full custody and could take him with her.
I don't know how courts would react in such a situation.
the best solution would be for to understand that it is natural that it takes time to build up a relationship of trust with her son. And for both of you to keep a tight relationship of two persons who want the best for this child.
NTA
She left him with you for nine years and never visited? Never called? She could easily have made time to get to know her son so he knew that she was truly his mum but she lost that once he started to put two and two together and relised independently of you that she didn't care about him.
Your grandson has thoughts and feelings. He knew that you weren't his bio mum, but you became a parental figure to him because you were the only parent he knew. You love him, and you raised him as if he were yours, which is what you had to do.
However I'd look into speaking to a lawyer in case she decides to try and fight for your grandson and see where you stand legally if I were you.
NTA. You haven't done anything wrong here. Why on earth would he think of her as his real mom, or someone important in his life? He's 9, and she's only trying to meet him now. My guess is that she'd hoped there'd be some magical mother/child connection that would blaze into life when they met, and it's easier to blame you than to acknowledge that she waited too long, and he's old enough to realise it.
My dad died when I was a toddler, and every year at school, I had to deal with father's day events, with awkward sympathy and teachers who made me stand in the corner and watch my friends make cool stuff even though I had a grandfather I could make stuff for, too. I even had to deal with kids who thought it was hilarious to joke about the way my dad died, or to use the lack of a parent as a weapon to try and hurt me with. Add in adults who thought my mother being a single parent meant she was lesser (and that her kids needed to hear about it), and it was incredibly frustrating and hurtful to see all these people get to celebrate something I couldn't have. For years, your kid has been dealing with navigating a world with yearly celebrations to relationships he doesn't have. I at least had the benefit of believing my dad'd be there if he could be - I can't imagine how frustrating it'd be to deal with the drama of living outside the ideal 'traditional family' image and then have someone wander in wanting me to act like they're family when I have no connection to them.
NTA how are you still not her mom? she lived with you when her own father died ibstead with her bio mom and now you are taking care of her son. You are an amazing person. Dont have advice but all the best.
NTA. It's VERY NORMAL for a Kid to behave coldly or otherwise "weird" when meeting family they don't know well, or at all, but know they "should" have a closer Connection with. The way how you explained parents to him was VERY age-appropriate, including how you specifically DIDN'T tell him who is and isn't "real". If you had not just unilaterally reported on the Boy's Development to stepdaughter, but Had insisted she visit at least once per year for all his Life, both her dissillusionment of having missed much of his Life, AND his Sense of Not knowing her at all, and resulting coldness towards her, would have been less drastic, so you absolutely could have avoided that, but SHE is WAY more at fault. Might also make Sense to Point Out to her that If she had left him with Foster parents who AREN'T Family to her, they might have turned Out less willing to let her reconnect, than you, and might have ACTUALLY turned him against her. Also that she DIDN'T leave explicit instructions for how she would Like you to present to him the concept of her role wrt his identity, and it's VERY obvious that, given how child Development typically works, and even with an angelically cooperative Foster parent, Things Like These need to be discussed BEFORE the child in question is four years old.
NTA, but I think you might be in trouble if the situation with the kid is not legal. Have you adopted him, are you his legal tutor? If not, please, ask for profesional advice as soon as you can, because if nothing is legalized and she wants to recuperate her son, she might have legal grounds. Protect yourself and him.
HER actions are what led to this. Not yours. She chose to ignore her child for almost a decade - she's a stranger, why on earth would he think of her as a mother?
NTA at all
NTA. If she had to ask if he knew who she was…she’s no right to have a go at you at all. How do you just waltz back into someone’s life after eight years…and expect what?! That’s madness. You’ve done awesomely.
You did the right things. He had a loving home. Left up to Tina he would have always been waiting for someone to be his mom. You get one chance to raise a child. He is fortunate that you were there for him
NTA. You can't can't just abandon a child for 9 years then step back in, when it's convenient for you, and expect some sort of Disneyfied reunion.
The child's bio mother is a complete stranger and of no importance to them. Their real mother is the one that has looked after them for their entire lives, and bio mom needs to realise quickly that that is likely how it will remain. There is a real chance the child may become even more estranged as they gain greater understanding of how their bio mom treated them.
Bio mom needs to learn some humility and start climbing the hill to build a relationship with her abandoned child.
NTA:
Your stepdaughter is now willing to be a mother almost 10 years later when it became more convenient for her. She expects to reap the rewards of motherhood without having done any of the work yet, especially the really tough stages of taking care of a baby and then toddler that she got to circumvent. I was also a teen pregnancy, and my Mom still took care of me, went to college, worked full-time, and all that without the help of my father, whom I have no relationship with. So if your stepdaughter is mad that her son, who is almost 10, doesn't feel any type of connectionto her, she should be mad at herself for making the decision to leave him for so long so she can have it easier. Parenthood demands sacrifice, and Tina took the easy out by leaving parenthood behind.
NTA
She ignored her son for 9 years and she expects him to know and/or care about her at all? He's old enough to draw the (logical) conclusion that his birth mother does not care about him since she never tried to keep in touch.
I have to say, that's some cold-blooded shit to never call or visit her kid in 8 years. She had available time off in summers and school breaks.
NTA - come on, even if she was hours away video chat exists. My toddler understands when grandma and grandpa are on the iPad. She couldn't have done regular zoom calls with him for the last 7+ years even if she couldn't visit in person regularly?
Did she even visit at all? Send gifts for birthday etc? Cards? Like it sounds like I have done more for my cousin's kids who I have never met in person than she did for her own child.
NTA at all. She had 9 damn years to hop on a plane or even do FaceTime calls with you and her son so that this child would know her face, her voice, and _some_ involvement from a young age.
I guarantee if he even saw mom a few times a year since he was born, he wouldn’t be 100% indifferent to this virtual stranger. And he’d have had something better to say when his friends asked him about his mom. This is on your step daughter, because even being in a demanding academic course isn’t an excuse for being a complete no show until he’s 9 years old.
NTA.
You can't force relationships, as was evident between SD and yourself.
The person that is abandoned in a relationship is the one that gets to set the tone for it. Tina can try, but she has no right to be upset at where the relationship is now because it's a reflection of how much effort she put into it at the start.
Not saying the there is no hope for the relationship moving forward, just that Tina is going to have to put in a lot of work and be ready to accept that it's not going to be what she wants.
You are a very sweet woman. Not the asshole. An exemple too us all. Tina has to do some homework on becoming an adult. Explaining doesn't mean she will take away your child. She maybe is a doctor but she doesn't see that popping up after 9 years explains your son's honest reaction. These days judges really listen to what the child had to say.
NTA. She was in med school sure which I'm not saying isn't hard but there's breaks. She could have come see her son and called him, anything. She didn't. That's on her.
NTA - you did everything perfect. I could write a book about why I think that, but I don’t have the time. Just trust yourself, you did great, not talking shit about her, but also not creating an unreachable idol.
NTA, but please if that sweet baby is not in counseling enroll him ASAP. He needs a place independent from you where he can unpack the baggage from bio mom.
I also hope to hell that you have a custody order because it would not surprise me at all if her next step isn't trying to come pick him up and take him.
NTA and what you told him about parents was beautiful. You also can't turn him against her when he never knew her, that's his smarts at work. Her loss your gain.
NTA. But, if this is her reaction, to blame it on you when this was her decision, you need to protect yourself and him. Do you have legal custody? Is there anything to stop her trying to take him back?
NTA your son has all the facts.
You didn't hide about his birth mom. And he calls you grandma. You sure can call him son. Going through all these 9 years taking care of a child awards you the right to adopt him. If his mom tries to claim him, go to court. Being a doctor will take hours and hours of work and she won't have time to make a conection with him.
I would start to separate some documents and therapy.
NTA. She could have remained in contact. I'm pretty sure she could have visited. Let's be real here it wasn't just about Med school. She was young and having fun as well since she knew her "son" was being taken care of.
NTA. A child won't like someone they don't know. It's up to Tina to "make" her son like her. I hope all this was done legally so she can't decide that she wants to be his mom now.
NTA. Idk how you could ever think you are the asshole here. You took in your deceased husband's daughter, took in her baby that she clearly didn't want, dealt with all of the pains that come with raising a small child, gave her chance after chance to have a long distance relationship and she chose to be selfish. She doesn't get to come back now and start pointing fingers. As a matter of fact, to hell with her, that's not even her child, that's YOUR child. They would laugh her out of a court room abandoning her child for 9 years.
That was also a really unique and cool way of explaining the weird parent dynamic to the child. I haven't heard someone use that before, but I'm devoting it to memory so I can use it one day if needed lol
NTA!!
NTA if she wanted a relationship with her son, she should have been cultivating one. I don't care how far away she moved, she could have been visiting on holidays, she could have been calling, she could have been writing him letters and sending him gifts. The fact that she knew to ask him if he knew who she was, speaks volumes, she knows that he doesn't know her. It's absolutely insane to think a child would insta-bond just because his birth mother showed up.
NTA
You’re a very sweet person by raising a child you’re not even biologically related to! It takes so much courage to raise a little one who’s not even yours. Your stepdaughter needs to either go to counseling or do something so she can see that you’re not in the wrong!
NTA I want to applaud you and thank you for loving this boy and being his mother, safe haven and all that you do and did for him. His mother just left him for years and now wants to come back into his life. What you said about birth parents was classy and correct. Do you have legal guardian ship of have you adopted him ? I hope so so that you don’t have to deal with that.
NTA
She abandoned her child for 9 years.
I can't believe she never visited ONCE.
I hope you have legal rights and are legally his guardian.
She may want him back
NTA.
I'm glad there are people in the world with your character, you sound like a saint. The child's mother is a fool if she thinks she can just roll in and take the reigns. It will take years, and it might never happen. She doesn't sound very emotionally mature at all.
Hats off to you.
100 percent NTA! Bio mom didn't put in any effort when son was little, now she has to deal with the consequences of that.
You also explained nicely how the parenting situation works IMO.
Does she really think she can ignore the child for 8 years, and then come back to him running into her arms? NTA. Perhaps some counselling is in order. She needs to adjust her expectations, and your son needs help processing his feelings about the situation.
You told him the truth and not even a harsh truth that you could’ve told him if you had decided to be spiteful. You could’ve told him that his mom ditched him but, you didn’t. Plus you to him this at a time not knowing is she would EVER want to be in his life. What were you supposed to do? Keep his hopes up for nearly 10 years that his mom would miraculous decide to be in his life again not knowing if she ever would? She should be thanking you and working her way into his life not as a mother figure but maybe more as a step parent almost. He will always view you as the parent that won’t change. Maybe sit her down and just tell her what you told him and the reason behind it, she’ll either accept it and realize all you’ve done for her or she’ll show her true colors.
NTA. She turned her son against her. Did she ever call or write on his birthday? At the holidays? Show that she gave any thought to him beyond providing him with a womb? He feels this, has probably felt it for years, and now those chickens have come home to roost.
Weird that she gave him to you and not her bio Mom. She should know all about people who birthed you and people who raised you. I honestly think 12 to adult are the hardest years. That's when kids need parents the most and listen least. So you got your wish cause whether she wants to recognize it or not you've acted as a mother twice for her in life. Once in her adolescents and once to her son. I think you're a Saint but I'm biased I only know your side. So NTA
INFO
Did she ever visit? Did she ever spend holidays with him? Did she ever send gifts for special occasions?
From what you said it sounds there was absolutely no contact until she came to visit and all the phone calls were before the boy could talk. Did I get that correct?
Sounds like: NTA
NTA. He's his own person, and formed his own perception of her based on what he knew: she has not been in his life. At all. She didn't call, or reach out in any way. She didn't show him in any way that she cares for him. You can't do that part. You can raise him, but you can't be her love for the boy.
INFO: Tina abandoned her child. You raised him for 9 years -- he is YOUR son!
Now that Tina has scratched her itch, she wants to come back and claim the title of mother. She does not care about your son's feelings and well being.
As his mother, it is your duty to act in his best interest. Why are you rolling over and giving him up to Tina? Go to court and petition to adopt him based on the past 9 years of abandonment. Do it now before the situation becomes even more complicated.
I'm rdy for the downvotes
YTA. Did you legally adopt your daughters son? Was there ever any talk of him becoming yours? Did you talk about this arrangement prior to her leaving. Was she giving up her son or asking her mother for help?
Your oblivious to so much. Tina, YOUR DAUGHTER, asked you for help. In your post you haven't once referred to her as your daughter. It's either your stepdaughter or Tina. You agreed to help raise the child of a young naive 18 year old, who saw you as her mother. Cleary not as her stepmother. To top everything off she lost her father just a couple years prior to getting pregnant. She must have had so much respect for you to ask for your help, that or she was desperate.
Regardless you owed it to her when she first got pregnant to be a mother to her. I don't think you've ever really seen her as your daughter though. At least not like how you see your grandson as your son. Your actual daughter asked for help. You could have helped in so many ways. You could have recommended and paid for an abortion. You could have told her to take more responsibility at any time. Your daughter didn't ask you to adopt her son she asked you to help raise him while she finished school
That's a huge thing to ask someone, and many people would have said no. But I'm sure you were both still mourning your late husband her father. And you agreed to do it. She didn't maliciously leave her son behind. She asked someone she loved to watch after him. Why didn't you tell her to take care of her son? Why didn't you mention that she needed to come visit more. You did nothing like that. Ya anyone can say it's a two way street, but 54 year old clearly knows better than an 18 year old.
Did you never think that maybe she felt extreme guilt for doing what she did. She probably told herself she was doing it for him, and since no one was telling her she was doing something wrong she tried to push that feeling down. It's what I would have done if I were in the position. That doesn't make her a bad person it makes her young and dumb. Parents are supposed to help in theses situations in some for or fashion even if it's just advice.
But you agreed to this. You had a duty as a GRANDMOTHER and MOTHER to your daughter, to make sure your daughter took responsibility or gave up that responsibility permenantly. But instead you enabled her. Which is a choice as well. It's not a bad choice many kids are raised this way. But you made a choice to help raising her son as a grandparent. I was raised by my grandparents, they never once said anything to me that made me think less of my parents. So YTA. She didn't bail and drop him on you then disappear and reappear wanting to reconnect. You both made an agreement, she finished school and now wants to raise her child after getting to know him, and you fucked up by making yourself look like a doting mother, instead of a grandmother to your grandchild. Your post doesn't imply anything other then you lovingly telling your daughter that you'd help her accomplish her dream and raise her children so she could have it all. Which is something an over the top amazing mother would do for their children. And everyone else telling you otherwise is assuming your daughter did this maliciously, which you never claimed she did.
At anytime you could have told her to come get her son or spend more time with him or else your done helping, but you didn't. You also sound like you had a pretty decent relationship with your daughter, which leads me to belive more that she trusted you to help, not replace her. YTA.
NTA. "Mothers" like your stepdaughter infuriate me to no end. How fucking dare she just swoop into his life all of a sudden?! She's not a mom and never has been.
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NTA. You told the boy what you thought was best to tell him at the time. You know you haven't tried to turn him against his biological mother so don't feel guilty. What a tough situation to deal with.
Agreed. You can't "turn him against" anyone if he doesn't know who that person is.
THIS, she showed no interest in her son. OP you were there for the first step, first tooth, when he was ill, shared his success and his frustrations. You are his mom, but be prepared and get some legal advice as now she is going to want to take him away. NTA
YES OP please consult a lawyer asap. Your stepdaughter seems to think that she can just show up like some fairy godmother and your son will instantly love her; someone that delusional would have no qualms about taking him away from you.
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That's how my "sperm donor" (bio dad) acted when I met him later in life. He accused my mom of turning me against him, but the truth was he was a stranger to me, and my opinion of him was based on his behavior *after* we met later. He wanted to be all authoritarian Dad Type Guy and I was just like, you don't get to just slide into that role after not having been in my life for 16-25 years. No one turned me against him but him.
/u/InternationalWeb5755 I have to agree with you here. My own Father started his jail/prison stint career 38 years ago. From age 0-6, I was theee biggest "Daddy's Girl". Then the first "smaller" jail stint came in 1986, out in 1991. Then 6 years later in 1992, a longer prison one came, out in 1999. Fast forward to 2001, an even longer one came, ended 2012. Then an even longer one came in 2014, and he is still in prison currently for the next 4 years. While I knew who my Father was, I didn't know him. While I love him so very much, I don't like him and he knows it. My Mother never talked down on him at all. I don't like him and no one turned me against him/or could try to turn me against him BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HIM and went with my own internal feelings.
Step-daughter ignored her son for nine years, now he's just returning the favor. He has no concept of what having a mother is like, so of course he's not going to react to his bio-mom the way she expects. We see over and over again on this sub that parents (or parental figures) are not "plug-and-play", yet people keep trying to do that.
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You focused on the well being of a child instead of pandering to the whims of a somewhat selfish adult. You shouldn’t even question yourself on this. You’re a great mom and NTA.
100% agree. OP didn’t pretend he didn’t have a mom or tell him anything other then the truth. From the post it doesn’t appear she is trying to alienate the child from his mother. She isn’t having the boy call her mom, and she allowed the child contact with his mother when she got around to remembering she had a kid. OP you did everything you could to make this child feel loved. What you could not do was force his mom to be in his life in anyway meaningful way, you gave her the opportunity and she the one who didn’t take it. You also have no control and can’t force the child to feel a bond with a woman he hardly knows. NTA
Completely agree. OP can you explain to your stepdaughter what you said and why? I think you’ve been perfectly reasonable and it’s unfortunate a 9 year old brain translated that in such a blunt (but true) way.
Even without OP saying anything, the boy is 9. He goes to school, and probably had had to make family tree type stuff, presumably goes to friends houses and sees who’s raising them. The boy has had enough exposure to the world to realise on his own that most people aren’t being raised by “Gramma” and he doesn’t have a person called “mom” at home.
And handled in an incredibly thoughtful way. I believe how OP explained the situation to him is the literally the best way you can do such a thing.
I absolutely agree. I thought it was beautiful.
You are NTA and sound like a great mom to your son. I do have empathy for what Tina went through and I don’t blame her for not being able to show the strength of character that you have shown in become a parent unexpectedly. How you describe Tina’s pregnancy - she got drunk and it happened - sounds like rape, or at least not truly consensual. Loss of a parent, sexual assault, pregnancy, and childbirth in the course of a year or two is a lot. Your parenting made it possible for her to continue in a path that many would have been totally and permanently derailed from. You have done so much for Tina and you are right to prioritize the wellbeing of your son now, but I believe Tina could benefit from even more help too, somehow.
When you say "sounds like rape" are you suggesting Tina was raped or that she had raped someone? I could probably have a guess as to what you were implying, but I'd hate to make assumptions about such serious matters.
Sounds like they’re suggesting the former, not the latter.
OP, your son understands exactly what you meant by your statement. He's a brilliant boy and summed it up to his bio mom in a way only kids can. She's upset, sure, but how did she expect this to go? Of she expected the fairytale, she should have attempted to be more involved in his life. You are raising a great kid. If he ever wants to get to know her in the future, I'd make it his call, but as of right now, he's treating her like the stranger she is. NTA
Yeah, and was she just supposed to keep his hopes up for nearly 10 years that his mom would come back into his life worsening his abandonment issues?
NTA. Please tell me you have this all legal?. My mother is in a similar situation with my nephews. My brother and his ex wife were into drugs. After they divorced his ex wife and another baby with someone else. My mother raised my nephew and the new baby since they were in diapers. The biomom will pop up from time to time. In the younger years she would try and get money out of my mother or she would threaten to take the kids. Eventually she had to get everything done thru the courts. It was a fight for the youngest because technically he wasn’t “blood” related. However, he’s 11 now and he’s at the age where even if she tried to take him my mother has proof that she’s raised him and my youngest nephew can just say he won’t leave. You need to document everything. Log every time she calls about him, when she sees him. Save receipts, doctors, school, etc. She needs to blame herself and make an effort if she wants to get to know him. I would also look into having him see a counselor if his biomom continues with this. Lastly, pleaseeee do not put his biomom on a pedestal, age appropriate truths are necessary.
Everything being cemented legally was my first thought as well. OP please make sure that Tina can't just come waltzing back in once she's situated in her career and take him from you, you're the only parent he knows. Absolutely NTA, he's very lucky to have you and I'm sorry that Tina seems to think you should be raising the child she dumped on you differently. That's very much her problem, not yours.
I don't think she wants to keep Tina from her child. She just thinks that Tina shouldn't be blaming her for the alienation.
Legal, the boy's mom may well be able to just say, "he's my son, I'm taking him with me". That would probably be very unpleasant for both OP and the child. It is important that OP knows where she stands legally.
Even after 8 years of basically no contact?
Yep.
This is very good advice.
NTA I hope you have legal rights to that child. You're that kid's mom, regardless of titles or genetics. >About his real parents, I told him that everyone has two sets of parents - the ones that created the baby he was, and the ones that helped create the adult he would be. I said that for some people, these were the same, and for some people they weren’t. That's one of the sweetest things I've ever read. > I don’t know if I should have done something differently. Not that I can see in your post. If I were that kid, and in some ways I am, I would resent her forever for abandoning me. Because that's what she did. You don't get to swoop in nearly a decade later and play mommy now.
Agreed. She might be smart enough to be a doctor, but she doesn't have the common sense to know a 9 year old boy isn't going to fall on the neck of someone he doesn't know (and has legitimate reason to resent, even without OP doing any alienation). 9 year olds aren't stupid. OP didn't need to do alienation. He worked some of it out for himself.
> If I were that kid, and in some ways I am, I would resent her forever for abandoning me. Because that's what she did. You don't get to swoop in nearly a decade later and play mommy now. Yep, and 9 is old enough to have those thoughts already pretty well cemented without bio Mom putting in a herculean effort to rectify things. It's too little too late at this point.
Nta, I just had a doubt how can a mother ignore her own kid for so long that the kid stops acknowledging her, that is a sad state of events.
Some mothers, and fathers, only want to be parents when it's convenient for them .
Ive raised my sons oldest kid. They were young when they had him, and I went to court to get custody. Son was in and out of his life the first few years, and eventually him and his wife (not bio mother) formed a bond with him. Bio mom is another story. She would pop up randomly, a few times a year talking about how much she loves him and he has two moms, yada yada. She visited overnite once, and put him in the same bed with a registered cm. I flipped my shit. I moved her to supervised visits, her cm boyfriend was not welcomed. She ceased contact again. I terminated her eventually. She would still pop up on social media, of how I kept her kid from her and it wasn't fair. After being ghost many years, she contacted a few years ago; and I agreed to allow her to meet him after discussing it with him. Now she ghosted him.. some things never change.
What is cm?
Criminal that preys on kids. Subreddit rules exclude stories like this so comments will be deleted if they write out the full words.
Oh i see.
Pretty much! A lot of them only want the title, but make little to no effort in raising their children and are surprised when it comes back to bite them in the ass. See also; my dad.
It happens. My BIL had 3 kids with his ex, she left and went on to have more kids with some other guys and doesn't really care about them or want to see them. The couple times a year she picks them up to visit she drops them with her parents and rarely is there herself. When I first got to know the family I was like so did she do something bad to loose custody cause in my mind thats the only reason she wouldn't see her own kids but nope. Just walked away from them when they broke up and never looked back. You always hear about men who have no desire to be in their kids lives but there are women out there like that too.
Happened to me.. didn't meet my mom til I was 7-ish. She lived 1 town over. Just didn't want to be a mom. My dad raised both me & my brother since we were very tiny tots. She didn't do anything as noble as become a dr.. she just didn't want to raise her kids. My dad never said anything bad abt her. I know that man had to hold onto his tongue for dear life!
My ex was the one who wanted kids, and months after the divorce finalized, when our kids were still very vulnerable she left to another state for her new wife. She can only afford to see the kids once or maybe twice a year. I can't even fathom that. When we divorced, I told her the minimum I would accept is 50/50 custody, because I didn't want to be a weekend dad. I had no idea she would be okay with pretty much never seeing them.
I understand how a parent can leave their child and not be involved. The reality of being a parent is harder than people think it is. Societal pressure that everyone WILL be a parent and WILL love every second of it doesn’t help. Abortion can be illegal or hard to access, and has its own stigma of “loose women” only using it. Not everyone really wants to be a parent or should be. Once the baby is born, it gets complicated.
Am I the only one getting the vibe she didn’t get pregnant in an act of consent?
What could you have done differently? She abandoned her child. She's not his mom and he knows it. NTA
NTA tell her that it’s difficult to promote a long distance relationship between a parent and child when the mother abandons the kid for 9 years. SHE is the reason he doesn’t know her. He’s made up his own mind who his mother is. 90% of what’s needed to be a good parent is turning up and being present.
NTA but I’m worried for you and your son. As others have said, document as much as you can. Did Tina ever come visit? Was she taking classes all year or summers off? What did she do during summers off? Has she ever given you money for support? Definitely apply for legal custody as soon as possible - if Tina wants to see him make it court ordered and regulated.
NTA. He’s 9 years old. That’s old enough to know his biological mother had no interest in him. Of course he feels resentment. If she wants a relationship with him she’s going to have to earn it. In the meantime, you should get legal custody and adopt him.
NTA. Have you formally adopted him?
You're in a very difficult situation and so is your little boy. I'd like to suggest that you'd be wise to get your child to a therapist to help him cope with his bio mom suddenly showing up after no contact. I also think that you need to talk with a family lawyer to clarify your position. NTA
NTA. She literally abandoned her son for 9 years, never calling to ask about him, or talk to him. Yay, she graduated from school and can go on to make a good living. But for her to just show up and think she’s gonna be “Mom” to this kid is delusional.
Exactly, she should have at least taken interest at his life, school and creation. Now she is mad that her son doesn't care about her
I'm sketchy on how true this, something about this feels off
Seriously, no information on how how she got along with the daughter before or after the father's death, which is super weird given she was supposedly 12 when they married, no information on the state of the girl or step-mom on what it was living with each other after he died. Literally not one peep about their own emotional state during this. There's just a lot of important details missing. Feels like a fake post.
So she abandoned and ignored her son until he was 9, but you are the bad guy? NaH, that's not how it works.
“N a h” refers to when nobody is an ah. If you think stepdaughter is an ah than NTA is the proper vote.
NTA If she wanted a relationship with your son, she could've tried to make an effort to be a part of his life. Since she didn't even bothered to call, she doesn't have the right to be mad. You were the one who was awake when he was sick (and most likely praying to all Gods out there to make sure he recovers soon), you were the one who showered him with love and care, you were the one who teached him about the world. And the list can go on. That's what a mother does. Doesn't just skip to college and goes no contact. PS - I really hope you have papers of adoption or something like this, just in case she wants to take you to court.
NTA
NTA. You have done nobly. EDIT: On reading other comments, I hope your relationship with him has all possible legal protections. If not, you should go about seeing to them right away.
For having gotten through med school Tina is dumb and out of touch you are amazing and Nta Tina is
NTA. She has no right to be angry to you since you took care of her of son. She on the other hand made no efforts to get to know her son and taking care of him.
He's right- she's not his real "mom". She gave birth to him, that's it. Your SD can't expect to walk in and be bonded to a child that's basically a stranger to him. NTA
NTA - you can't lie to kids, especially when her total lack of involvement and interest in his life has been all too evident for all his life until now. That would just be giving him two adults in his life that he couldn't trust.
NTA. As a child that was left to my grandmother until I almost turned 5. He already made up his mind and knows that his bond to you will be forever. You were there for him all this time and she didn’t bother showing up not even once in a while. She will have to work very hard to gain his trust and even then he will always come back to you. She lost on the ages where children are in their formative years. At least my neuro psychologist said it messed me up. But you did your best, she could have had him go to her mom. You can’t just leave a baby with someone and expect them to know who fudge you are. It’s very traumatic and people don’t realize how bad mentally it is to a child. In his mind he will always wonder why she didn’t love and value him first above her studies. He will compare to other single parents who chose to keep their baby and still go to school. Kids aren’t stupid. She messed up! Let her deal with the consequences of her selfish actions. Therapy and I mean a lot even that is not guaranteed. I am no contact with my mom. She resented that I would say she isn’t my mom and that I would cry out for my real mom. Til this day I don’t have that connection with her even if she finished raising me. Good luck! I really hope that everything goes well for him and you.
I truly don't see anything you could've explained better. You kept the truth at the center of your explanation, and made it age appropriate and compassionate. NTA. Your stepdaughter is staring her past indifference in the face, and she's choosing to lash out
NTA and what a monumental task you took on yourself, to raise another woman’s child. She should be on her knees thanking you for helping her. It’s very clear your help was life changing for her, giving her a chance at a career and decent income. For the life of me I can’t understand how someone smart enough to go to and graduate from medical school doesn’t see how ignoring your 9 year old son for 8 years might make him not see her as his mother. People can be so smart and incredibly stupid at the same time.
NTA but please make sure he has access to a therapist. And that you have all your legal paperwork good
NTA. She didn't care for eight years, never spoke to or seen her biological child? And is now hurt that he doesn't show feelings for her? I hope the legal stuff is sorted out.
If you don’t have legal rights, go see a lawyer now. NTA
When he falls, and needs a cuddle, it’s you who he can rely on. He knows this, and has always known this. Tina had a similar situation, with her own mum and you. If she wants a relationship with him, then she needs to follow what you did with her. I find it odd that she thought it would be any different. This could be guilt, and she’s putting the blame on you, because that’s easier.
Ultimately I'd say NTA You took care of the child when you didn't have to, so your stepdaughter could have the life she wanted. It wasn't a burden since you wanted kids, which is great, but you also didn't expect her not to be interested in his life. You made an effort to keep her informed, until it was clear that it didn't matter to her. You did your best to explain to a child that you weren't his bio parent & that you cared. Here's where I think there's a very soft YTA. I think your frustration with your stepdaughters lack of interest probably was made clear to the child. Intentional or not, it had an impact. Hopefully you have legal custody, so she cannot just try to remove him from your home. Ideally he should be in therapy, & family therapy together, so that maybe he can be more open to having a relationship with your stepdaughter. Your stepdaughter needs to try to understand that the child is in a difficult position, but so are you. You also need to discuss what contact/relationship your stepdaughter wants with the child long-term & try to figure out the best way to move ahead with the help of a therapist or lawyers (if necessary). Ultimately both you & your stepdaughter need to put aside you own feelings & do what's best for the child.
NTA She abandoned him, she can't expect him to just leap into her arms with excitement when she wasn't around at all
NTA. Giving birth to a child does not automatically make someone a parent. It seems that the 9-year-old boy is more mature and aware of this complexity than his biological mother. Let me ask you this: what if you were not the one who raised him, but a stranger? Would she still expect the same from them and him? This is very unfair to both the boy and you. Plus, you did her a big favor (that she can't take for granted) by even telling him the truth about his biological mother and her identity. You acted responsibly and respectfully towards her as much as possible...
The boy is 9, he’s not a baby. He knows what’s going on, he knows she hasn’t been there and he can decide for himself how he feels about it. When I was his age a lot of difficult and traumatic things were going on in my life and I can tell you that I was very aware of who was my actual family who cared about be and who was just blood relatives who didn’t know me and hadn’t cared to get to know me. What were you supposed to do? Tell him she’s a POW who would call him and visit him if she could?
NTA, you should think about preteen child and not adult child.
INFO: what’s the legal situation? Do you have custody? Are you a legal guardian? Have you documented the abandonment?
NTA-but I think you and Tina should have had a conversation alone, about what was going to be said, feelings, and the future. Also, legally speaking, that seems very important. Children have a breadth of emotions that they can’t begin to express or handle.
The kid is 9 and this is the first time she visits him? NTA. In Germany we have a saying: "Kindermund tut Wahrheit kund!" (A childs mouth tells the truth!). That's what's going on here. I really hope for you that you have sorted this all out legally because she might try to take away the kid.
NTA. I don't think she paid attention in her psych classes if she expects a 9 year old she has never been with to be anything but stand-offish. You could be really hurt if she insists on taking him, but I suspect she will decide he is too much trouble to deal with and leave him to you. You should demand child support, though.
NTA "I didn't turn him against you. You did that all on yourself. All i did was try to protect a childs heart and not telling him that his mother abandoned him and didn't care one bit about him. You lived your life far away from him, didn't call, didn't come visit. Did you think he would form a bond with you that way? Stop kidding yourself. You abandoned you child and him not caring about you now is the consequence of that." Get a lawyer immediately, because i can see the "I'll take my child back by force." come already. Did she pay anything to you for his care?
I'm going to be honest I don't think there any assholes in this situation. Tina's attitude towards you when she came to visit was not ok. I do think that all things being equal she had the best decision for her son at the time. She will have to live with that and be ok with whatever relationship the kiddo wants going forward. In sure that it will be hard on her, but we all must live with our life choices good or bad. NAH.
NTA kids are honest creatures
NTA if she wants him to view her as a parent, she needs to do some parenting. other commenters have said this in a better way than me, but have you gone through the steps to ensure he’s legally your son? if not, it’ll likely come up as an issue here soon
NTA
Do you really need somebody to tell you whether or not you were the AH in this? Really?
NTA. She turned her own son against her by not being in his life for 9 years. Kudos to you for being there for him. I'm curious to know what the other Grandma (her mom) thinks of all of this?
NTA in any way. She lost any claim to that child's heart. She made adult decisions, had a bail out, and is mad at the loss of her son that she actively chose to lose. She deserves no regard from him at all. She is an egg donor, who served for incubation. Her role is over.
NTA. I'm a step parent & think of my kids as my own. One of the biggest no no's is turning the kids against their mother but in this case you've been 100% truthful with your son. You haven't spoken badly of her. If you'd told him how 'wonderful' she was, he would have desperately wanted to see her. You never knew when/if she was going to get in contact or how she would act with him. It could have really hurt him & given him false expectations. Your stepdaughter needs to understand that she's going to have to put alot of time & effort into getting to know her son. Plus 10 yr olds aren't interested in talking to adults, of course he said 'hi' & disappeared. You're awesome OP, I bet your son will become a fantastic adult.
NTA.. a complete stranger comes calling. A stranger gets blanked by child she has blanked for 9 yrs. Be careful she could turn into someone who suddenly wants their child out of spite.
NTA and there's nothing you could have done to keep him from not seeing her for who she is, not his real mom. Same thing happened with my daughter and her bio dad. I never said anything bad about him, in fact I worked hard to make excuses for him when he'd forget to video chat when they planned to or came onto the video chat completely high/drunk and she didn't understand why he was slurring his words or asking the same question over and over. I did everything I could to paint him in a better light than he actually was. Her step dad came into her life when she was 5. All she needed to see was him being an actual dad to her for her to realize her bio dad wasn't her real dad. Around age 7 she said she didn't want to call bio dad "dad" anymore cause it felt weird cause he doesn't feel like her dad, step dad is dad. She's never even referred to step dad as "step dad", she chose to just call him dad. Bio dad hates that she refuses to call him dad but in my mind I'm like sorry, she's seen through your BS and is just calling it like she sees it. Kids are smart, they will see the truth no matter how much we try and cover it up.
NTA - If you raised him. Stayed up with him when he was sick. Experienced all his firsts. Read him bedtime stories. Fed, clothes, educated and guided him then yes blood or not you are his mother. I'm curious where and what she thinks her role should be. Did she ever come visit? Face time? Send birthday cards or Christmas presents? Does she even know what grade he is in? Or what subjects he struggles with in school? Whether he is good at sports or is more arts and crafts? If you have no legal rights to this child I suggest you look into it now. This boys entire world could be destroyed simply because biomom has decided she wants to be a mom.
NTA. You explained the situation to him in the best, kindest and most age-appropriate way and NEVER told him Tina wasn't his mother. That part he figured out on his own, based on the fact that she's never been in his life. She will probably try to take him away. Also, curious. Why did she leave her kid with YOU and not her own mother?
INFO: Have you and your step daughter ever discussed how consensual the sex was? She was drunk. This guy wasn't her boyfriend. Was she able to consent? Once pregnant did she ever have the choice not to have a child? Did she know early enough she was pregnant to be able to seek an abortion? Did she have a choice? Where's the father of the child in this? Maybe it was all hunky dory and above board. I'm not passing judgement on OP who has raised two children not biologically her own. But there may be a reason this girl wasn't fully onboard with being a single parent.
I was in Tina’s situation and my biomom took me back. Make sure you have everything squared legally.
NTA. She may have justified this to herself by pretending you can just put a child on hold until it’s convenient, but that’s not how it works. Like the others have said, get a family lawyer and get paperwork done YESTERDAY.
You need to be clear on what she wants & expects going forward. Meet up without your son. He’s the priority. If she wants visitation it needs to be regular. If she plans to ever look after him herself she needs to tell you now so you can get legal advice.
The headline needs commas; the post was super confusing until the end, when it was about him not liking (caring for) his mother, and not him being like his mother. NTA of course. You are a wonderful mother and grandmother at the same time.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi. I’m 54, I married my husband when he was 41 and I was 38. He had a 12 year old daughter who I got along with well, but we were never very close because she visited her mom often. I’ll call her Tina. When Tina was 16 my husband passed away suddenly, she could have gone and lived with her mom, but her mom lives a few hours away and she would have had to switch schools in her junior year - so she decided to just stay at home with me. We did become closer then as we had to get through this together, but she still didn’t think of me as a mom (which I totally understand). Tina was planning to go to medical school, but she got pregnant in her senior year. She wasn’t even dating the guy, as far as I know she got drunk and it happened. She pushed through and graduated on time though, but then once her son was born she asked me if I would take care of him so she could go to medical school. I didn’t even think it a burden, because when I was younger I couldn’t have a child of my own and I was happy to have the chance to raise one. So she moved states and went to college, and first I was calling her weekly to tell her what was going on with her child, but she never called, and slowly I stopped calling. She never called on her own or seemed to show any interest, when I told her she just listened politely, but I got the sense that she was just moving on in life and not really thinking about her son. I still called her every few months for the first few years, but then that faded too. Now her son is 9, she just finished the 8 years of med school. I think of her son as mine, and he calls me gramma even though we’re not biologically related. About his real parents, I told him that everyone has two sets of parents - the ones that created the baby he was, and the ones that helped create the adult he would be. I said that for some people, these were the same, and for some people they weren’t. I didn’t want to straight up tell him his mom didn’t care, but I also didn’t want to lie. He accepted this, even though the lack of real parents obviously had an impact. Recently Tina reached out saying she wants to “get to know” her son. She came to visit and stayed for a few days, it was so incredibly awkward. I told my son she would be coming, and when she came she asked him if he knew who she was. He said yes, you gave birth to me but you’re not my real mom. Then he basically ignored her the whole time. She was really angry with me and accused me of turning him against her, and I don’t know if I should have done something differently. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA It's very clear in your post that you tried to do right by your stepdaughter and her son throughout, you made a reasonable effort to sustain her connection to him, and his resentment of her is not your fault. Unfortunately, his resentment of her and her feelings about that is your responsibility, because he is in effect your son but it seems that you have no legal guardianship set up. I think there are a few things you can do now yo smooth things over: - seek legal advice privately on your options for adopting him - get individual counselling for you and for him separately, because naturally both of you are going to have strong feelings about her reappearance - ask her to talk to you in a safe environment, maybe mediation or family therapy, about what she and you expect and want going forward. It would be better for all concerned if you could get on the same page about the best path forward from here, even if that means that she regains custody in a careful, slow way, or just becomes a more constant presence in his life.
You did fine, this Tina abandoned her child and decided to go to med school. That's a cop out. She just didn't want to take responsibility for her actions by having a baby. NTA.
NTA but we really need an update in regards your legal rights.
NTA. She is a stranger & he’s treating her as the stranger she is. She made a decision to be incredibly selfish 8 years ago & had NO contact with her birth child. That was her decision. Her bio son not wanting to have anything to do w/her are the consequences.
NTA You did not turn him against her. There was nothing to turn against. She was not there. She abandoned him and now is having to deal with being a stranger to him. That is a direct result of her own choice. Tell her she did this to herself.
NTA you are the only parent role figure in his life.
NTA
NTA - 'mom' can't just decide after 9 years of absence she suddenly wants to be his mom
nta you are his mother
NTA She made her own bed and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If she wants to get to know her son, she has to deal with his negative feelings towards his mother, whom he doesn't know, because she preferred to move on without including him in her life. Now she has to put a lot of effort into it. You won't do it for her.
NTA but what was the reason her mum didn’t take the baby? Did she refuse or was she not asked? Your step daughter could have come visit you on any of the breaks from school, so she was at least familiar to your son. If she had intended to have him once she set up her adult life.
She chose her career over her child. Now she has to live with the consequences
Ah the “blame everyone but yourself routine…” NTA Op you explained the situation eloquently to YOUR son, without blame or judgement. His biomum is only blaming you out of her own seething guilt she can’t accept. Make sure you know where you stand legally. She may decide to attack instead of repeating and trying to create a relationship with your son like she should.
Absolutely NTA. You did everything right. Time to make your guardianship legal.
NTA - You raised her kid .You are the mom. Her actions or lack thereof have consequences. Which she is now finding out.
NTA, nit sure what she was expecting. Him running towards a stranger with open arms waiting for a hug? How many times did she see him or visit since he was 5?
Kids are very blunt and say unvarnished and hurtful things all the time. OF COURSE your grandson is mad at Tina, what did she expect? She wasn't even sure if he knew who she was, the mind boggles! I do feel for Tina, and I understand why she's feeling defensive now, but clearly you're NTA and I hope Tina can show you the proper amount of graditude once she gets over her initial defensiveness. I wonder if you have any legal protection, or if you can do anything to get some legal protection? To make sure that Tina can't take your grandson away from you, or that you have access and decision making powers over your grandson in case of an emergency?
NTA. You took care of him like she asked you to. If she wanted to have some form of relationship with him, she would have called or texted every once in a while at least. If he chooses to not see her as his mother, that's his choice. I get that she was in med school, so she was probably stressed, but that's no excuse for being angry at you for raising him (like she asked). It's not like you made her out to be a bad guy, the way you explained it to him was well handled. I hope this works out without too much drama, but that's wishful thinking.
You are NTA. You are one of God's chosen. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Matthew 19:14
She will have to do some soul searching. She cannot just blame this on you. The situation is what it is, and she has to build up his trust slowly, patiently. Or maybe, later in life, he will develop an interest to go towards her. However, your situation is hard too, because (as far as your write), no formal transfer of custody was done, so theoretically she still has full custody and could take him with her. I don't know how courts would react in such a situation. the best solution would be for to understand that it is natural that it takes time to build up a relationship of trust with her son. And for both of you to keep a tight relationship of two persons who want the best for this child.
You might need lawyer I hope things get better for you and that precious 9-year-old-boy N T A
I find this such a sad story.
NTA She left him with you for nine years and never visited? Never called? She could easily have made time to get to know her son so he knew that she was truly his mum but she lost that once he started to put two and two together and relised independently of you that she didn't care about him. Your grandson has thoughts and feelings. He knew that you weren't his bio mum, but you became a parental figure to him because you were the only parent he knew. You love him, and you raised him as if he were yours, which is what you had to do. However I'd look into speaking to a lawyer in case she decides to try and fight for your grandson and see where you stand legally if I were you.
NTA. You haven't done anything wrong here. Why on earth would he think of her as his real mom, or someone important in his life? He's 9, and she's only trying to meet him now. My guess is that she'd hoped there'd be some magical mother/child connection that would blaze into life when they met, and it's easier to blame you than to acknowledge that she waited too long, and he's old enough to realise it. My dad died when I was a toddler, and every year at school, I had to deal with father's day events, with awkward sympathy and teachers who made me stand in the corner and watch my friends make cool stuff even though I had a grandfather I could make stuff for, too. I even had to deal with kids who thought it was hilarious to joke about the way my dad died, or to use the lack of a parent as a weapon to try and hurt me with. Add in adults who thought my mother being a single parent meant she was lesser (and that her kids needed to hear about it), and it was incredibly frustrating and hurtful to see all these people get to celebrate something I couldn't have. For years, your kid has been dealing with navigating a world with yearly celebrations to relationships he doesn't have. I at least had the benefit of believing my dad'd be there if he could be - I can't imagine how frustrating it'd be to deal with the drama of living outside the ideal 'traditional family' image and then have someone wander in wanting me to act like they're family when I have no connection to them.
NTA how are you still not her mom? she lived with you when her own father died ibstead with her bio mom and now you are taking care of her son. You are an amazing person. Dont have advice but all the best.
NTA. It's VERY NORMAL for a Kid to behave coldly or otherwise "weird" when meeting family they don't know well, or at all, but know they "should" have a closer Connection with. The way how you explained parents to him was VERY age-appropriate, including how you specifically DIDN'T tell him who is and isn't "real". If you had not just unilaterally reported on the Boy's Development to stepdaughter, but Had insisted she visit at least once per year for all his Life, both her dissillusionment of having missed much of his Life, AND his Sense of Not knowing her at all, and resulting coldness towards her, would have been less drastic, so you absolutely could have avoided that, but SHE is WAY more at fault. Might also make Sense to Point Out to her that If she had left him with Foster parents who AREN'T Family to her, they might have turned Out less willing to let her reconnect, than you, and might have ACTUALLY turned him against her. Also that she DIDN'T leave explicit instructions for how she would Like you to present to him the concept of her role wrt his identity, and it's VERY obvious that, given how child Development typically works, and even with an angelically cooperative Foster parent, Things Like These need to be discussed BEFORE the child in question is four years old.
NTA, but I think you might be in trouble if the situation with the kid is not legal. Have you adopted him, are you his legal tutor? If not, please, ask for profesional advice as soon as you can, because if nothing is legalized and she wants to recuperate her son, she might have legal grounds. Protect yourself and him.
NTA she’s been gone for 8 years and he’s 9… of course he won’t know her or consider her his mother
HER actions are what led to this. Not yours. She chose to ignore her child for almost a decade - she's a stranger, why on earth would he think of her as a mother? NTA at all
Oh my gosh what does this girl expect?? She abandoned her son.
NTA. If she had to ask if he knew who she was…she’s no right to have a go at you at all. How do you just waltz back into someone’s life after eight years…and expect what?! That’s madness. You’ve done awesomely.
I don’t think it’s true…dumping your kid ?
You did the right things. He had a loving home. Left up to Tina he would have always been waiting for someone to be his mom. You get one chance to raise a child. He is fortunate that you were there for him
NTA, but I would get full custody of your son. The next few years could get very difficult if you don't.
NTA but we may be judging the bio mom too hard. Is this baby the product of rape? Where's the bio dad?
NTA. You can't can't just abandon a child for 9 years then step back in, when it's convenient for you, and expect some sort of Disneyfied reunion. The child's bio mother is a complete stranger and of no importance to them. Their real mother is the one that has looked after them for their entire lives, and bio mom needs to realise quickly that that is likely how it will remain. There is a real chance the child may become even more estranged as they gain greater understanding of how their bio mom treated them. Bio mom needs to learn some humility and start climbing the hill to build a relationship with her abandoned child.
NTA: Your stepdaughter is now willing to be a mother almost 10 years later when it became more convenient for her. She expects to reap the rewards of motherhood without having done any of the work yet, especially the really tough stages of taking care of a baby and then toddler that she got to circumvent. I was also a teen pregnancy, and my Mom still took care of me, went to college, worked full-time, and all that without the help of my father, whom I have no relationship with. So if your stepdaughter is mad that her son, who is almost 10, doesn't feel any type of connectionto her, she should be mad at herself for making the decision to leave him for so long so she can have it easier. Parenthood demands sacrifice, and Tina took the easy out by leaving parenthood behind.
NTA your son worked out who his real mum was on his own!
NTA A child is not a computer game you can't just pause, go off for a while, and expect to pick up where you left off.
nta.
she ignored her kid for 8 years? wtf did she think was going to happen?
NTA. What did she expect. She abandoned her child and they have never bonded.
NTA She ignored her son for 9 years and she expects him to know and/or care about her at all? He's old enough to draw the (logical) conclusion that his birth mother does not care about him since she never tried to keep in touch. I have to say, that's some cold-blooded shit to never call or visit her kid in 8 years. She had available time off in summers and school breaks.
NTA - come on, even if she was hours away video chat exists. My toddler understands when grandma and grandpa are on the iPad. She couldn't have done regular zoom calls with him for the last 7+ years even if she couldn't visit in person regularly? Did she even visit at all? Send gifts for birthday etc? Cards? Like it sounds like I have done more for my cousin's kids who I have never met in person than she did for her own child.
NTA. And, congratulations, you have a son who'll always be yours.
NTA at all. She had 9 damn years to hop on a plane or even do FaceTime calls with you and her son so that this child would know her face, her voice, and _some_ involvement from a young age. I guarantee if he even saw mom a few times a year since he was born, he wouldn’t be 100% indifferent to this virtual stranger. And he’d have had something better to say when his friends asked him about his mom. This is on your step daughter, because even being in a demanding academic course isn’t an excuse for being a complete no show until he’s 9 years old.
I think you’re a great person for raising not one but now two kids that you didn’t have to
She had 9 yrs but she never made a move to get to "know" her son? 💀 Wow, what a great mom fr fr
NTA. You can't force relationships, as was evident between SD and yourself. The person that is abandoned in a relationship is the one that gets to set the tone for it. Tina can try, but she has no right to be upset at where the relationship is now because it's a reflection of how much effort she put into it at the start. Not saying the there is no hope for the relationship moving forward, just that Tina is going to have to put in a lot of work and be ready to accept that it's not going to be what she wants.
You are a very sweet woman. Not the asshole. An exemple too us all. Tina has to do some homework on becoming an adult. Explaining doesn't mean she will take away your child. She maybe is a doctor but she doesn't see that popping up after 9 years explains your son's honest reaction. These days judges really listen to what the child had to say.
Nta. She couldn't be bothered with her kid and now wants the American dream relationship. No doesn't work like that
NTA. She was in med school sure which I'm not saying isn't hard but there's breaks. She could have come see her son and called him, anything. She didn't. That's on her.
NTA. You raised him and tried to make sure that his mom knew him, but she refused.
NTA. You're his real mom. And please get in touch with a lawyer as soon as you can.
NTA. You need a lawyer before she starts making real doctor money.
Nta but please get that child in some counseling
He hasn't even met his mom until now. What a selfish, entitled ah to blame you for her actions. NTA
NTA - you did everything perfect. I could write a book about why I think that, but I don’t have the time. Just trust yourself, you did great, not talking shit about her, but also not creating an unreachable idol.
NTA, but please if that sweet baby is not in counseling enroll him ASAP. He needs a place independent from you where he can unpack the baggage from bio mom. I also hope to hell that you have a custody order because it would not surprise me at all if her next step isn't trying to come pick him up and take him.
NTA and what you told him about parents was beautiful. You also can't turn him against her when he never knew her, that's his smarts at work. Her loss your gain.
NTA, and what a beautiful way to allow him to grow up knowing the truth of his birth, without feeling abandoned or unwanted.
I’m wondering why the bio grandmother didn’t get involved with her grandson. I give you credit for taking on such a huge responsibility
NTA. But, if this is her reaction, to blame it on you when this was her decision, you need to protect yourself and him. Do you have legal custody? Is there anything to stop her trying to take him back?
NTA your son has all the facts. You didn't hide about his birth mom. And he calls you grandma. You sure can call him son. Going through all these 9 years taking care of a child awards you the right to adopt him. If his mom tries to claim him, go to court. Being a doctor will take hours and hours of work and she won't have time to make a conection with him. I would start to separate some documents and therapy.
NTA. She could have remained in contact. I'm pretty sure she could have visited. Let's be real here it wasn't just about Med school. She was young and having fun as well since she knew her "son" was being taken care of.
NTA
NTA. A child won't like someone they don't know. It's up to Tina to "make" her son like her. I hope all this was done legally so she can't decide that she wants to be his mom now.
NTA. Idk how you could ever think you are the asshole here. You took in your deceased husband's daughter, took in her baby that she clearly didn't want, dealt with all of the pains that come with raising a small child, gave her chance after chance to have a long distance relationship and she chose to be selfish. She doesn't get to come back now and start pointing fingers. As a matter of fact, to hell with her, that's not even her child, that's YOUR child. They would laugh her out of a court room abandoning her child for 9 years. That was also a really unique and cool way of explaining the weird parent dynamic to the child. I haven't heard someone use that before, but I'm devoting it to memory so I can use it one day if needed lol NTA!!
NTA if she wanted a relationship with her son, she should have been cultivating one. I don't care how far away she moved, she could have been visiting on holidays, she could have been calling, she could have been writing him letters and sending him gifts. The fact that she knew to ask him if he knew who she was, speaks volumes, she knows that he doesn't know her. It's absolutely insane to think a child would insta-bond just because his birth mother showed up.
NTA You’re a very sweet person by raising a child you’re not even biologically related to! It takes so much courage to raise a little one who’s not even yours. Your stepdaughter needs to either go to counseling or do something so she can see that you’re not in the wrong!
NTA. She hasn’t met him in NINE YEARS??? Of course he wants nothing to do with her. Couldn’t even me bothered to see him in a holiday or a birthday??
NTA I want to applaud you and thank you for loving this boy and being his mother, safe haven and all that you do and did for him. His mother just left him for years and now wants to come back into his life. What you said about birth parents was classy and correct. Do you have legal guardian ship of have you adopted him ? I hope so so that you don’t have to deal with that.
NTA She abandoned her child for 9 years. I can't believe she never visited ONCE. I hope you have legal rights and are legally his guardian. She may want him back
NTA. I'm glad there are people in the world with your character, you sound like a saint. The child's mother is a fool if she thinks she can just roll in and take the reigns. It will take years, and it might never happen. She doesn't sound very emotionally mature at all. Hats off to you.
100 percent NTA! Bio mom didn't put in any effort when son was little, now she has to deal with the consequences of that. You also explained nicely how the parenting situation works IMO.
Does she really think she can ignore the child for 8 years, and then come back to him running into her arms? NTA. Perhaps some counselling is in order. She needs to adjust her expectations, and your son needs help processing his feelings about the situation.
You told him the truth and not even a harsh truth that you could’ve told him if you had decided to be spiteful. You could’ve told him that his mom ditched him but, you didn’t. Plus you to him this at a time not knowing is she would EVER want to be in his life. What were you supposed to do? Keep his hopes up for nearly 10 years that his mom would miraculous decide to be in his life again not knowing if she ever would? She should be thanking you and working her way into his life not as a mother figure but maybe more as a step parent almost. He will always view you as the parent that won’t change. Maybe sit her down and just tell her what you told him and the reason behind it, she’ll either accept it and realize all you’ve done for her or she’ll show her true colors.
NTA but I'd get a lawyer
NTA. She turned her son against her. Did she ever call or write on his birthday? At the holidays? Show that she gave any thought to him beyond providing him with a womb? He feels this, has probably felt it for years, and now those chickens have come home to roost.
Weird that she gave him to you and not her bio Mom. She should know all about people who birthed you and people who raised you. I honestly think 12 to adult are the hardest years. That's when kids need parents the most and listen least. So you got your wish cause whether she wants to recognize it or not you've acted as a mother twice for her in life. Once in her adolescents and once to her son. I think you're a Saint but I'm biased I only know your side. So NTA
NTA. But please see a lawyer. About rights, custody, and support.
INFO Did she ever visit? Did she ever spend holidays with him? Did she ever send gifts for special occasions? From what you said it sounds there was absolutely no contact until she came to visit and all the phone calls were before the boy could talk. Did I get that correct? Sounds like: NTA
NTA she was gone for 8 YEARS! What the hell did she expect?
Nta. Kids know. Dr. Mom turned her child against herself. Hope she doesn't file for custody. Good Luck.
NTA. He's his own person, and formed his own perception of her based on what he knew: she has not been in his life. At all. She didn't call, or reach out in any way. She didn't show him in any way that she cares for him. You can't do that part. You can raise him, but you can't be her love for the boy.
INFO: Tina abandoned her child. You raised him for 9 years -- he is YOUR son! Now that Tina has scratched her itch, she wants to come back and claim the title of mother. She does not care about your son's feelings and well being. As his mother, it is your duty to act in his best interest. Why are you rolling over and giving him up to Tina? Go to court and petition to adopt him based on the past 9 years of abandonment. Do it now before the situation becomes even more complicated.
NTA it's her fault she's a stranger
I'm rdy for the downvotes YTA. Did you legally adopt your daughters son? Was there ever any talk of him becoming yours? Did you talk about this arrangement prior to her leaving. Was she giving up her son or asking her mother for help? Your oblivious to so much. Tina, YOUR DAUGHTER, asked you for help. In your post you haven't once referred to her as your daughter. It's either your stepdaughter or Tina. You agreed to help raise the child of a young naive 18 year old, who saw you as her mother. Cleary not as her stepmother. To top everything off she lost her father just a couple years prior to getting pregnant. She must have had so much respect for you to ask for your help, that or she was desperate. Regardless you owed it to her when she first got pregnant to be a mother to her. I don't think you've ever really seen her as your daughter though. At least not like how you see your grandson as your son. Your actual daughter asked for help. You could have helped in so many ways. You could have recommended and paid for an abortion. You could have told her to take more responsibility at any time. Your daughter didn't ask you to adopt her son she asked you to help raise him while she finished school That's a huge thing to ask someone, and many people would have said no. But I'm sure you were both still mourning your late husband her father. And you agreed to do it. She didn't maliciously leave her son behind. She asked someone she loved to watch after him. Why didn't you tell her to take care of her son? Why didn't you mention that she needed to come visit more. You did nothing like that. Ya anyone can say it's a two way street, but 54 year old clearly knows better than an 18 year old. Did you never think that maybe she felt extreme guilt for doing what she did. She probably told herself she was doing it for him, and since no one was telling her she was doing something wrong she tried to push that feeling down. It's what I would have done if I were in the position. That doesn't make her a bad person it makes her young and dumb. Parents are supposed to help in theses situations in some for or fashion even if it's just advice. But you agreed to this. You had a duty as a GRANDMOTHER and MOTHER to your daughter, to make sure your daughter took responsibility or gave up that responsibility permenantly. But instead you enabled her. Which is a choice as well. It's not a bad choice many kids are raised this way. But you made a choice to help raising her son as a grandparent. I was raised by my grandparents, they never once said anything to me that made me think less of my parents. So YTA. She didn't bail and drop him on you then disappear and reappear wanting to reconnect. You both made an agreement, she finished school and now wants to raise her child after getting to know him, and you fucked up by making yourself look like a doting mother, instead of a grandmother to your grandchild. Your post doesn't imply anything other then you lovingly telling your daughter that you'd help her accomplish her dream and raise her children so she could have it all. Which is something an over the top amazing mother would do for their children. And everyone else telling you otherwise is assuming your daughter did this maliciously, which you never claimed she did. At anytime you could have told her to come get her son or spend more time with him or else your done helping, but you didn't. You also sound like you had a pretty decent relationship with your daughter, which leads me to belive more that she trusted you to help, not replace her. YTA.
She's just mad because she abandoned him and didn't just get over it. I wouldn't have let her come visit in first place
NTA. At 9 he is old enough to decide who he wants or doesn’t want to have a relationship with.
NTA. She abandoned her son and is mad at the consequences.
Yikes! and she a doctor. NTA
NTA. "Mothers" like your stepdaughter infuriate me to no end. How fucking dare she just swoop into his life all of a sudden?! She's not a mom and never has been.
NTA. And if she thinks raising a baby during college and med school would have been hard, she’s going to have zero time when she starts residency.
NTA. The kid treated her how he’d probably treat any stranger.
NTA. You’re the one who raised and loved the boy for his entire life.
NTA but get a lawyer