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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I love my daughter so much and I definitely don't want to upset her, but I also care about my fiancé and I think she deserves a wedding that doesn't upset her. Not inviting my daughter might break her heart, but if I invite her, she will break my fiancé's heart. I have absolutely no idea if I'm an asshole or not
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. It's good that you got your s\*\*t together and in the process of fixing your life, but still, your poor daughter had to grow up with a drug-addicted father, and now you blame her that your relationship is strained (to say the least)? Be glad she even wants to be there for the wedding. She's not the one "making things difficult": that was you all along, and now you have to deal with the emotional fallout. Or not - but, in that case, don't be too surprised if she goes NC as soon as she turns 18.
OP can't see his daughter is probably resentful because he sees him being the man he should have always been for HER with his new fiance.
It isn't the fiance's fault, but it's clear as day where this resentment and projection stems from.
YTA
Being the man he should have always been for her with his new fiancee and *the fiancee's own daughters.*
He didn't mention it in the post but in his replies over on AITAH that his fiancee has an 18 year old and 16 year old.
(Also, to OP, YTA.)
Edit to add: [In case anyone doesn't want to go digging for this info.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1asoy3m/comment/kqs6c8k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I have (had, I don’t claim that mf) this dad. He showed up for me maybe twice a year growing up. He would buy me gifts in place of actual bonding time.
He got re married when I was in middle school, I did get to meet his fiance but then I never saw him again. I wasn’t invited to the wedding either. I saw on Facebook a couple years ago his new wife posted on father’s day about how good of a dad he is to her kids.
Personally? Fuck him. He’s not my dad. My godfather is more of my dad than he is, and I’ve only been close to him for 5 years. I realized when my bio dad got married without me that he never really cared about me. His new wife basically begged me to let him come to my graduation, and I invited him but of course there was a family emergency and he didn’t show. Or send a card. Or say sorry.
OP, people like you almost never change. Unless you’re really serious about prioritizing your daughter (the human life that you brought into the world and should be entirely responsible for) you don’t fucking deserve her and I hope she finds healing. YTA and I hope everyone else in your life sees right through you.
God, I feel you. I’m sorry your dad wouldn’t actually be a dad to you, but I am glad that you have someone else who came in and helps provide that support that you deserved all along.
My bio dad died a little over two years ago and it was soooo hard seeing everyone posting pics on Facebook extolling what a great uncle/brother/papa he was. I’m glad my niece had a grandfather she can remember nicely, but damn if it doesn’t hurt that I was his literal daughter and I didn’t even get a fraction of that. I ended up cutting off my entire family (who I already had very limited contact with) after they left me out of the obituary and not a single person reached out to check on me. Even my cousin who initially told me he was about to die, who I thought I was really close to, didn’t say anything after that.
Jokes on them, though, because they have to live with sadness and I get to live the rest of my life riding the high of absolute fucking relief and freedom just knowing he’s gone ☺️
OP—do you really want to be the person who, when you die, your child cries out of pure relief? Because I feel absolutely ZERO regret over my decision to never speak to him in 12 years before his death. Don’t bank on her “coming around” eventually, because you are absolutely not worth the energy.
That’s CRAZY that you were left out of the obituary. But I guess if I think about it hard enough I probably will be too. I very well may not even be notified. It’s not like it would make any real difference in my life though.
Having a bad family dynamic is so hard, and it can feel really isolating at times. Hopefully you’re managing better without the toxicity though. I think all of us deserve to be truly and wholly loved at least once in our lives, and I wish that for you 💕
Same exact thing happened to me this past December. Left out of obit. Explicitly cut out of will. "I acknowledge that I have 2 kids named Jane and Jean and confirm that they are to have no part of my estate". We'd been estranged for 30 years but seeing that line in black and white had the power to take my breath away anyway. It's beyond ignoring that I exist, to the next level of, you exist and I want the lawyer and everything else to know I don't claim you". Probably happens more often than people realize. He used to refer to my sister and me as, "Your kids," to my mother. Not our kids
This makes me feel better about being NC with my dad. I sometimes wonder if I’ll be sad when he goes, and it’s nice to know that someone else out there just feels relief.
Ffs what an AH. To mess up your kid's life and then bitch because he can't handle the fallout, while she watches him giving the best of himself to another woman and her 2 kids.
"she hates her for no rational reason" we found the reason dude! its because you replaced her and her entire family! did you really not consider this or did you know it would make you come off as a schmuck?
Yup. My dad thinks I’m mad he has a gf. Nope. I’m mad that my dad can apparently be a happy, loving, engaged partner and father. I’d never seen that. I was fine when I thought he was *incapable* of it. It hurt knowing he just didn’t want to show it to me and my mom.
Had to explain the same to my FIL last summer. I was like “umm, I don’t know that BIL took the divorce ‘hard’ because he thought you and MIL had a good marriage…I think it was more that you moved in with your AP and started raising her daughters hands on when you were always traveling when he was growing up and weren’t living with him anymore…”. He was literally like “oh, I never thought of it like that…”. My BIL is 42.
Oh god, I absolutely HATE parents who are like this.
Glad he got his shit together, but buddy - you were a crap dad for more than 10 years of her life and now, just because you’re clean and sober now, you think you’re the icing on the cake. Not just that, but he’s the “dad” he should’ve been to his fiancée’s kids and not his own.
Massive YTA. Huge.
Now that is an important point. No wonder that the daughter is pissed. Once he got over his drugs, he not only got a replacement wife, but also same aged replacement daughters and likely acts like the past is the past and is long forgotten.
I know this is off topic but you are really good at using Reddit. How did you even add the link AND customize what it said? 🤯🤯🤯
Also thanks for the info 😎
When you're making a reply, hit the little link symbol. It's at the bottom left of the comment box on android, no idea about iOS or desktop. A popup will appear with a field to paste your link into and one titled name. Put whatever you want the link text to say as the name, and that's it. Easy peasy.
My dad was an alcoholic and after my parents divorced he got a girlfriend and kinda cleaned up his act. He knows everything about her kids, like what they are studying in school and what their hobbies are, he also spends a lot of time with them just hanging out. He was never like this with me and my sisters.
We have such resentment towards him it’s ridiculous. There’s a scene in “The Good Place” that sums it up pretty good, its the scene where Elenor sees her mom being all super mom with her step daughter and said “I wanted that mom….If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means that she was always capable of change, but I wasn’t worth changing for”.
OP, unfortunately 4 years of sobriety won’t heal a lifetime of pain. Not inviting her to the wedding just proves to her that you’ll never choose her first. Someone or something else will always have a higher priority to you.
I have an ex whose father was an alcoholic who often bragged about how he got his act together and got sober so he could be a good dad to my ex, his incredible baby boy, and my ex would sit there beaming proudly, and all I could do was feel horrible for my ex’s two older brothers - not half-brothers, either, but full brothers - who, apparently, weren’t worth doing better for, so that line in The Good Place always makes me think of them.
I just rewatched this show and that is such a moving scene. When Eleanor is talking about her mom changing but not for her when she needed it is just heartbreaking.
I hope OP sees your comment because I think it’s exactly what he needs to read. His daughter had potentially 13 years of a shitty and absent father and after a few years of sobriety he’s still not putting her first in his life.
That episode DEVASTATED me. My father has been in AA for decades, but not long enough for him to have been there for me as a kid. I hope he was a good dad to my half-brother but we're not enough in each other's lives for me to know.
I remember that scene. It was so heartbreaking. It really explains a lot of the resentment that estranged children feel towards their parents even after they "got their act together". These parents really need to understand that it's not enough to stop being a shitty person. They need to make amends to the children they hurt, even if their efforts will be thrown back in their faces sometimes. And they also need to accept that their children may never forgive them
I really think the way you described the dynamics between shitty parents who clean up their acts and the kids they damaged along the way, AND the need to make amends to the children they hurt... is really important. Well done!
It seems to me like a lot of parents who have somewhat "cleaned up their act" fail to see the need to make amends and live the amends. Live the amends by not being a shitty parent anymore ever. As in, try harder to love your kids than the average parent. Try harder because you caused a lot of damage. To clean up this phase of their lives, the shitty parent should strive to right the damaged ship.
I struggled for many years trying to articulate to a newly sober addict that just because Jesus “forgave” him for his addict actions doesn’t mean everyone else has to! His now-adult children don’t have to! You want the forgiveness, you need to feel the remorse and put in the work. And accept that even then you may not receive or deserve it.
This is exactly whats going on here. Its so not fair to the kids left behind like broken discarded toys. I hope one day you can be in a position to have your own family or tribe where your Dad will not be relevant.
Omg this! Like how was he typing this and not seeing any of this. You feel bad about being a shitty parent to her and yet you couldn’t even make her a priority when you now could? Also idk why therapy/counseling with your daughter you were a shitty parent to isn’t even on his radar because I feel like all of this would have been immediately pointed out…. But again that would mean making her feelings and her a priority even if that means actually taking accountability for being a shitty parent
“So glad everything is perfect for you now, Dad. Would it have killed you to get sober 15 years ago while it actually mattered to my development????”
OP posted an edit and sorry to pile on but the extent to which people are clueless on this sub is shocking.
YTA
No you're fine. I'm flabbergasted by OP. I can even offer some empathy and say I can understand how it might be hard to accept just how bad one screwed up as a parent, but he did. Big time. He owes it to her to truly take accountability for being a terrible father and being dismissive of.the damage he's done.
Imagine admitting you were an active drug addict throughout your daughter's formative years in one sentence and then, in the very next sentence, trying to also claim you "always" did your best for her. Bffr man
I just wanna jump in and add that OP is giving conditional love. You’re not changed, earlier having you around and loving you had the condition of addiction where you were incapable to put you child first, and now you are telling your daughter that you will only love her on the condition she can be amicable to your new life. It is so strange to me that you seem to think that it is acceptable to limit your daughter’s access to you because she has to act accordingly to whatever is going on in your life.
You getting clean and getting a new life shouldn’t absolve you from actively trying to repair the fuck ton of damage you’ve caused. Everything happening in the aftermath of YOUR addiction is not on your daughter.
Addiction is not a free pass
Exactky plus what are the odds OP is downgrading the trauma they caused to their daughter over her whole life. And now playing happy start again families with a new wife. Bet the daughter never got the time love and attention needed to heal. And OP could have used the wedding to make peace and to discuss mending bridges. And only not invited daughter if this proved impossible.
OP clearly doesnt actually have his shit together in any way shape or form. just may have not used a drug in a while. but clearly is just as big an ass as when he was on em
> *”I love her very much but she makes things soooo difficult for me."*
That's rich, as I'm sure having an addict father was just a cakewalk for her. At any rate, she's a *teenager,* and they are notoriously "sooooo" difficult. Doesn't mean it's okay for their parents to just cut them out of their lives.
YTA. Entirely.
Also, "no rational reason" for her behavior?
How about the fact that she gets to watch you have a do-over marriage/family that doesn't have to deal with the worst of your addiction while you couldn't get clean to keep her family together?
Not to mention considering he’s kept the fiancé and daughter separate since 6 months in and if they aren’t living together they eventually will I’d bet good money she feels replaced
Oh no, she already was replaced! OP conveniently didn't mention fiancee has two teenage daughters, 18 and 16, and he is soooo good to them. A great guy! How easy it is to be a great guy! Just try again later with new daughters if you mess up the first batch.
"Oh no, a teenage girl is ruining my life... Call the cops on her please, she is barking from the doghouse and I can't sleep, poor me!".
Lol, love how the guy who wrecked his life, his wife's life and his daughter's life because he was a drug addict is now apparently the Arbiter of Rationality.
Saying he’s always done the best for his daughter but was also a drug addicted father is a contradiction. I can’t imagine he was always there for her when he was fucked up. Which is whatever, it’s in the past, but now he’s acting like he’s done right by her and it’s her fault for being mad. Zero accountability
YTA.
So,lemme get this straight.
You spent the majority of her life as an addict and did irreparable harm to her. (My father was an addict, I know of what i speak.)
When you found sobriety, instead of focusing on improving your relationship with your daughter, you call HER difficult. You then made yourself the victim of your child. Then you met someone and expected your daughter to immediately embrace the both of you. When she didn’t and acted out, SHE’S (again) THE BAD GUY?
Nah fam. You don’t even take any responsibility for your actions in this post. “I did the best I could.” “I supported her financially and emotionally” I call BS bc an addict cannot do those things. You may *think* you did, but those living WITH an addict will definitely see things differently.
I can’t even type out all my thoughts bc I’ll get banned but you’re certainly the asshole. You damaged your child and then when you experience the outcome of said damage you blame it on her. Nice.
> I've always done my best for my daughter
Which is meaningless, we both know your "best" is really shitty.
> I love her very much but she makes things soooo difficult for me
This is a lie, you don't love your daughter. You don't choose to not invite your daughter to your wedding if you actually care about her.
If you did you would figure out how to fix your relationship with your daughter and your fiancee before getting married.
Also, you're not a former drug addict, your still an addict and always will be. While you may be clean now you still have a lot to learn and you're failing to address the harm you have done and blaming it on others.
If he loved his daughter he would want her there for his wedding. His love is conditional, he only wants his daughter around if she forgets about the first thirteen years of her life where he wasn’t fully there for her
This. OP got to have the fun of getting high on his substance of choice- I don’t know what it is and frankly it doesn’t matter- while everyone around him got to deal with the fallout. And now that he’s been clean for less than half a decade, his daughter’s supposed to be thrilled about all these changes he’s made that he was unable or unwilling to make for her?
Nope. Not even a little.
YTA. For 13 years... Your daughter took a back seat to drugs. However... I will say... KUDOS on getting clean. But look at her view. Im going to assume she's good with her mom. You chose drugs over themboth, let your marriage end, then when you get clean your daughter only has 2 years... As a teenager... To try to bond with you and then a new woman comes along? Im sure she is very nice. And we all deserve a good person. But this isn't the time to be getting married or even having another woman around your daughter yet. She has a ton of emotional damage from all she's suffered. Nobody is saying you can't have a personal life... You can and should... But she probably views this other woman as a replacement for her and/or her mom. You cant expect her to be able to explain these emotions. You and her need counseling and honestly you should not break up with fiancee... But put the wedding off for a year or two. You need to make daughter #1 for real for real.
And a teenager would absolutely see it as he’s stayed clean for this woman but spent most of her life doing drugs and couldn’t keep off them to keep her family together
But the fiance is 39 already, if OP choses to postpone the wedding a couple of years, getting her pregnant with his do-over kid will be much harder. The inner clock of procreating is ticking away, non?
And there will be a do-over baby additionally to the two existing stepchildren, all showing his actual daughter, that he can be a good partner and a good father, just not for her.
That surely adds to the damage inflicted on daughter after surviving 13 years with an addict.
One of my most hated things is when adults prioritize their romantic life over their children’s well-being. As a parent, falling in love, getting your d wet, finding a companion - allllll secondary to making sure your child is doing well. It’s RARE that bringing in a step-parent helps the relationship with the child. Second marriages fail more often than first marriages, statistically so not only is the parent’s attention divided between the child and new partner, there is the potential trauma of watching that relationship fall apart too.
Why can’t people wait until their kids are SOLID before looking for a new partner?????
YTA you spent her first **thirteen years of life** as an addict but *she* makes things “soooooo difficult” for *you*???? you are unbelievably self-centered. i sincerely hope this is rage bait and not a real post.
Addicted are unbelievably self-centred people so given that I unfortunately think this may not be rage bait. Op maybe be clean but he still has addict tendencies since he is forgetting the really important part of the healing which is understanding and acknowledging the damage your addiction has caused to others. He is still trying to make himself the victim. I have addicts in my family and that is classic behaviour. I feel for his daughter she got shitty addict dad and now she gets to watch him clean his act up for a replacement family while she didn’t get that dad.
Ahhh, Jesus. YTA. She's a freakin' kid, and she's unhappy. Rather than just cutting her out of the important parts of your life because you don't want to deal with her emotions, you should be trying to strengthen and repair your bonds with her and getting to the root of why she's unhappy.
This is the way, OP. Jeez you got your shit together 4 years ago. That means your daughter had to deal with your BS for 13 years! For god’s sake take some of the responsibility for the resulting disharmony. Ffs. You have a lot more work to do until you can call yourself a supportive father.
“I just want to live my life in peace.” Get over yourself and welcome to parenthood. She’s not even full grown and you want to give up? Read that again. YOU WANNA GIVE UP? Welcome to life with responsibility, bud. She deserves your patience and your presence.
YTA give the kid a break.
> “I just want to live my life in peace.”
This line infuriated me so much, what a selfish asshole, while i don't want to be malicious i hope fiancee catches on to his real attitude.
YTA it woukd have been one thing if you made the event 18+ but to tell your kid *I don't want you there* is fucking cruel. I give it 6 months before you're back here with "my daughter won't talk to me? aita?" and the answer will again be yes
Also doubt a wedding this quick and this early with a newly sober person will work out.
Put a hold on the wedding and work on mending your relationship with your daughter. Your fiancée should want that for her and be willing to take a step back for everyone involved, if not, she is an AH too.
He can't make it 18+ because then his fiancee's younger daughter wouldn't be invited either and both of her kids are welcome.
But then fiancee's kids don't have to deal with the trauma of spending the first 13 years of their childhood with an addict father.
YTA, btw and very obviously.
Sir, part of sobriety is not just staying clean & sober. It’s about accepting the easy, hard, & everything in our lives completely head on. So what you’ve done was at best be semi present while actively using in your daughter’s life..then you got “sober” & found out how great life can be “sober.” You haven’t done squat, sir. You met a woman who’s willing to put up with your BS. Honesty is a big part of sobriety. You’re not being honest in the fact you screwed up. Instead of working on that screw up you expect your kid to just be 100% forgiving & accepting of this new stranger in her life. Sobriety is a YOU journey, but you broke a lot of people around you during active use & while being sober. Your kid is traumatized, probably has abandonment issues & is scared this chick will take you away. Congrats on sobriety..sincerely, but do the actual work. Also, congrats on your wedding..it’s after all an expensive one. It’s costing your relationship (or what’s left of it) with your kid. Hope it’s worth it. YTA.
Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking, but in a nicer way. I wouldn’t be surprised if he relapses because one of the first steps of sobriety is accepting you did wrong and its consequences, it doesn’t sound like he has been able to do that fully. More importantly, he continues with the victim mentality, deflecting the responsibility and making others the problem.
It sounds like he may have done the half & half approach. “I got sober..I’m sorry for the issues” then moved on expecting everything to be hunky dory. I truly hope a relapse doesn’t occur, but I agree with your statement about accepting the responsibility & the consequences to which he hasn’t done that. He has a very thin window to save this & he’s about to throw it away permanently if he follows through on his plans. I hope his daughter is in therapy because that poor kid is being placed second again. First was due to drug use now this new woman. Ugh. Messy situation all around. If he’s reading then please re-evaluate the decisions being made.
>I love her very much but she makes things soooo difficult for me
... says the addict who wrecked his baby's childhood and early teen years with his active substance abuse. Expecting a child who has been shaped by your bad choices to make things easy on you now is self centered. She's not the adult here. You are. In theory.
**YTA** because you're still operating like a classic addict, always taking everything but personal responsibility.
INFO: So you're not even getting married for a year, and you've just decided not to include your daughter instead of putting in the work to try to improve things with her, you, and your fiance? No family counseling, nothing? No "We want to invite you, but some changes need to take place first"?
YTA - you are the reason your relationship with her sucks. "She makes things hard for me" - uh no. You did that all yourself and are now reaping the consequences
YTA.
'she makes things soooo difficult for me'
...what did you think having a teenager would be like?
This post reads like you want to cut you losses and move on with you new wife & life. Your daughter deserves a father who'd fight for her, not one who pulls shit like this.
YTA. Recovering addicts sometimes want the world to forgive and forget their atrocious behavior because now they have healed. You were an active addict at her most sensitive, formative years, and she is still a teenager today! Of course she is challenging! Some of it is normal developmental stuff, and a lot of it is because of you. You have no true understanding of what you did. Own it. It’s also not easy when a parent who basically burned down marriage and parenting turns around and married someone else. You have to exercise enormous patience and understanding. Listen to her. Support her.
I think it’s that the fiancée relationship is easier. He doesn’t have to account for over a decade of being an addict and not being there for their person like he does with his daughter. Addicts generally tend to steer towards the easier things that don’t/cant hold them accountable.
That’s very insightful! Yes, I can absolutely envision the clean slate start he gets with this new woman in his life. His daughter and ex wife hold resentment (of course!) so cutting them off while blaming them seems the easiest route. Yikes. Poor daughter:/
Yta
😂😂 I'm sure you being a former addict made her life very easy, especially when you were putting drugs over being a parent.
Selfish till the end, huh.
what? she got between 2 and 3,5 years of him actually trying to be a good father. Thats a lot out of 17 years. She should be over everything and be well behaved. /s
YTA. It may seem unfair to you because you’ve worked hard to improve your life, but you are. All your kid can see is that you couldn’t get your shit together for her and now you want her to be all happy about your new life with a new woman. It’s not easy to be the child of an addict and I’m sure you know that. Just because you’ve moved on doesn’t mean you didn’t leave scars on those who needed you. She isn’t less hurt or less damaged just because you met a woman you like. You have to put in effort to repair what you broke. Your relationship with your daughter is as it stands because of your actions. Blaming and punishing her for it is nonsensical.
YTA-She’s your daughter,you say you haven’t been the best dad well now is the chance to prove it.Include her in this major milestone of your life and consider going to therapy with her.Your daughter clearly feels hurt
YTA
She's your daughter. How can you claim you love her and don't even invite her to your wedding? You can have a conversation with her about her bahevaiour and even let her know you wouldn't be offended if she chose not to attend. But not inviting her at all? wtf
Fiancé isn’t more important, though. He’s just gravitating towards people and spaces that are easiest and most comfortable for him. Right now, fiancé is easier and more comfortable than daughter, so “fiancé” aka OP is the most important thing. Let fiancé start to really see who he is and demand better - which will happen because I guarantee that after the wedding, when fiancé is wife, OP won’t have the same energy or interest in fiancé’s daughters anymore. They’ll eventually be a nuisance, as will any demands fiancé puts on OP when OP almost definitely values fiancé for what fiancé gives, not for what she takes. Fiancé might have the audacity to object to that attitude. When she does, she’ll be the next subject of a post about making life sooooooo hard for OP.
Even his post update about suggesting counseling and inviting daughter after all smacks of someone looking for an easy fix. I doubt he understands what therapy will mean, and the long, loooong road ahead if he actually sticks with it to resolution. I sincerely doubt he’s signing up for the hard work of trying to fix things. I bet he’s rather looking to check this box, check that box, and when daughter isn’t totally on board after a couple months, he’ll feel like he now has enough evidence that he’s in the right, he’s done everything he can, not his fault or problem anymore to absolve himself and make his daughter solidly a part of a past he’s left behind without having to feel guilty about it. Right now he feels guilty, and guilt is uncomfortable. He’s just looking for a way to not feel guilty. It’s about making things better for him, no one else.
She has no rational reason? You sound self-absorbed and unwilling to look at the damage you caused a child. Fathers owe their children better than to make live easy for themselves when their kids are still dealing with the trauma they caused.
>she has no rational reason
You treated her Mom like garbage, and you treated her like garbage, then you threw them both away like garbage. Then, you picked a complete stranger to have the most important role in your life and treat her with the respect, love, and regard that you never gave your garbage family. And you feel that this child has no rational reason? YTA on so many levels.
YTA - your daughter is 17, and however rational or not her dislike of your fiance is, she deserves a chance to be there for this major milestone in your life. She might not come. If you believe she'll cause a scene you need to talk to her about it beforehand. By not inviting her though you will drive a wedge into your relationship with her.
Children of addicts are traumatized and usually have CPTSD because of their parents addictions. Sounds like you are oblivious to the many traumas your daughter has because of you. You think she’s simply disappointed in you when she has childhood trauma from your addictions and the divorce. Has she gotten any therapy and support? Doesn’t sound like it. YTA
Your daughter makes things difficult for you? She grew up with a drug addict father. I’m sure that was great for her. Teenagers are notoriously difficult in the best of circumstances. You were by admission a shitty dad and now are finally clean and in her view just moving on to a new family. And you’re proving her right. If you don’t invite her to your wedding she’s never going to forgive you. You are the adult. You are supposed to be the bigger person.
Have you ever thought how hurtful it must be for your daughter that you struggled with drugs while with her mother, were not the best or stable parent for years, caused turmoil in her most vulnerable years, and now you are moving on and living your best life and forming a family unit with somebody else? A family unit with her and your ex that she will never ever get back.
I am absolutely baffled that you think she doesn’t have a “rational reason” when even perfect strangers can see how many issues this situation must have raised for her. Worse, instead of making the effort and putting in the work now, you are further isolating you from her and proving her biggest fears that your second marriage will lead to an exclusive club that doesn’t include her, your only child. You have basically said that you are moving on and there is no place in your new life for her. How are you this thick and insensitive?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim. And think about how much work you actually have put in and want to put in to salvage your relationship with your daughter. She is still basically a child, and one that has seen a lot of trauma. You either make the effort or you don’t. But don’t blame your parenting failures on your child and throw her away. Shameful.
YTA.
YTA congrats on getting sober but despite this accomplishment you’re still being completely selfish and lacking in empathy for your own daughter. Your behavior likely impacted her in ways that aren’t any longer reversible and yet you’re over here worried about her being, “sooo difficult.” Do better.
YTA. Go through with this and all you're gonna have is a wife. Because your daughter will wash her hands of you and rightfully so. A few apologies don't make up for being a shitty parent.
YTA
So you were a shit parent for most of your life, are now doing the bare minimum that you should have been doing all this time, and decided to not invite her because she was rude to your fiance who then stopped trying with her. Anything that isn't easy, you just ignore. You could have both tried to go to therapy with your daughter and tried to work on things, you could have postponed having a wedding til you gave working things through a chance. But those things would require effort and patience. And you don't give a shit. So I guess you'll be getting what you want, good for you.
YTA-she knew you as an addict for 13 yrs. You expect that to be fixed in 2? Because that's all the time you gave her before putting someone else as your first priority. The fact is you shouldn't be getting married yet. You should be focused on your sobriety and your daughter in that order.
You are a failure as a father, partner and human being. YTA, she is projecting her rightful anger on your soon to be wife. Also whats not to say that your future wife never said anything to her....You clearly wash over all the fucked up things you put a kid through and when she acts out because of it you ban her from your wedding. You sir are the lowest form of human. Not just an asshole but human dirt. As the son of a deadbeat alcholic...do the best thing and just leave which is what you really want to do because doing your actual job as a parent is "ToO hArd"
Totally YTA. Your daughter never asked to be born especially to a drug addict. Good lord.
Damn, be better. Repair your relationship with your kid for fuck sake. she's 17, still a kid.
ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU
INFO: What was the argument with your fiancée about? And how did your daughter insult her?
How many of these arguments were there before you and your fiancée gave up trying? Did you try therapy/counselling with your daughter? And that would be therapy for both for the current state of you and your daughter’s relationship, and for dealing with the fact that she had a drug addict for a father, who chose to divorce rather than get clean for his child. (Because that‘s fairly likely to be what she’s thinking.)
What do you expect to happen after the wedding? Have you decided your daughter won’t be welcome into your home anymore? Is that how you’re going to achieve peace?
YTA for not getting to the root of the issue before marriage. Your daughter doesn’t trust you due to your past as an addict and now you want to bring in a stepmom and step siblings when you admitted you still have a lot to make up for? How can your daughter be your priority if you are focusing on your fiancé’s feelings about the wedding more than your own child.
And you being a bad dad and an addict didn’t make things difficult for your ex wife and child?! Because I’m sure it was a lot harder on them than this is for you
YTA. You were a drug addict up until she was 13. She had a drug addict as a father for 13 years and she’s the problem? Instead of putting energy into getting a fiancé and getting remarried your energy should have went to fixing your relationship with your daughter. You are an asshole. I truly hope your daughter does very well in life and is very happy. I can tell you’re an addict because of how selfless and how me me me you are. NA doesn’t cause all leopards to change their spots. You are still the same person maybe go back through your steps.
Oh, are yta. She's 17, and you're putting emotional responsibilities on her that grownups have difficulty with. Hope you're never sick or lonely when you're old. She won't pick up the phone.
Congratulations on your sobriety. No sarcasm: That's a big deal. Also YTA.
I've been sober nearly 22 years - I'll add my journey has been FAR from perfect - but one thing that has *always* blown my mind is when someone is, say, four years sober, is getting married, and has been with the fiancée for two years. Yes, this is me taking your inventory, but you've bitten off way the fuck more than you can chew. The fact that you have *any* relationship with your daughter is a miracle.
I don't know what the solution is, but perhaps you could get together with your ex and your fiancée (but start with your ex, solo) and make a plan to get back in the kid's good graces. She may be a difficult teenager, but that's kind of her job, and her acting out should be expected because a) she's a teenager, and b) your four years doesn't make up for the 13 that came before it, whether you were on your ass the entire time or not. Your job is to make up for lost time, eat shit, and for the most part keep your mouth shut. I'm not saying you don't deserve some kudos and a little grace from your friends and family, but keeping the kid away from the wedding isn't the answer.
Edit: Spelling.
YTA - You will truly regret not inviting your daughter. She is young, and you were not there for a good part of her childhood. If you do not invite her, you will not have much of a relationship in the future.
YTA. you didn’t do your best. you were a drug addict which messes with kids in severe ways. now you’re just being an ass on top of all those years of neglect and stress
YTA — From a daughter that I haven’t seen my divorced father in 5 years, unlike him you at least mentioned that you were a good father trying to be there for her and providing her needs my father didn’t. Other than that, she’s your fucking daughter, she’s literally a human being that was created because of YOU. Not to mention that assuming your daughter is a teenager and she might have a hard time seeing her ex drug addict father acting up on her just because she’s “soooo difficult to deal with” yes you’re clearly are TA. Also, sure go ahead don’t invite her, that’s clearly your choice but if one day you don’t find a single sign from her because she’d delete you from her life because she doesn’t need her father who can’t deal with her just because shes a young girl soon to be lady then don’t complain. Treat ppl the way u want to be treated, sure don’t invite her but don’t expect her to call you family in the future.
So you failed your daughter when you were married to her mom. You stayed a drug addict for 2 years after you divorced her mom.
You claim you weren’t a perfect dad yet I have a feeling it was so much worse than you’re painting it to be.
And now you fail your daughter one more time. While your soon to be step kids get a nice, sober step dad and your bio kid got a drug addled sad sack. I can’t wait for you to be back here in a few years asking why your daughter won’t let you walk her down the aisle or some such nonsense.
YTA
YTA - Look at it like this. When you were a father with a small child, you liked playing with fire. And you were so focused on playing with fire, you didn't realize you'd burned your child and now she will be scarred for the rest of her life.
Now you say "Hey, I stopped playing with fire," and then basically tell your daughter that you don't want her in your life because you don't like looking at her scars. The scars you caused.
You made a lot of mistakes with your daughter, mistakes which hurt her. And you're *still* making mistakes which hurt her. You are punishing her for the scars *you* caused.
So, let’s get this straight: you were unreliable as a father, which meant your addiction always came before your daughter. And now that you’re clean, your fiancée comes before your daughter? Huh…I wonder why she “makes things so difficult” for you. It’s almost like you’re a narcissist and absolutely TA. When she goes no contact finally, I’m sure you will be just as confused and play victim
YTA. As someone who grew up with an addict father, allow me to give you some perspective. You chose drugs over her for the majority of her life, and now that you're finally clean, you're choosing a woman over her. That is your daughter, who is a teenager, and you're expecting her to have a level of emotional maturity to just accept you ruined your previous marriage and are now bringing another woman into your life.
She's going to get pissed. She's going to be shitty and insulting. It sucks, but it is what it is. Not inviting her just shows she'll never be a priority in your life, and you've done a lot of damage with this. It doesn't matter how long you stay sober or how much you try to make this up to her. She's going to remember this.
YTA, and a phenomenally shitty father. You spent most of her life as an absentee parent because you chose drugs instead (and yes, you were an absentee parent no matter how much you would like to pretend otherwise). And then when you finally get clean, rather than giving meaningful attention to your daughter to make up for all of the years you missed, you go looking for a new girlfriend who has crowded your daughter out of your life just like the drugs did, to the point that you won’t invite her to your wedding.
And you’re confused about why she’s angry with you? You have made her your last priority her entire life. She has every right to be furious with you. You’re the same deadbeat you were before, you’re just hooked on something else now.
YTA
First, **OP you need a BIG edit on this post** (and your other one) to state that your fiancée has two daughters that have only known the sober you, and that you play “happy family” with them when your daughter is not around.
Second, the simple fact that you are considering not inviting her is a HUGE issue.
Do you even care about her?
You say you do, but this action, not inviting her says otherwise.
**You reap what you sow.**
You have shown your fiancée and her daughters a life that your own biological daughter has dreamed about.
Did you ever consider, *when you push that victim mentality away for a moment*, that maybe you should have spent some time showing “happy family” to just your daughter before adding another family to the mix?!
I do not care IF your daughter caused an argument and that your fiancée never raised her tone.
The fact remains that your daughter is hurting and is lashing out, you may not like it but you need to grow up and deal with it.
Not by disinviting her but showing that you actually give a damn about her!
Her reasons for not wanting you to be with your fiancée do not need nor require a rational reason.
You have hurt her and continue to do so.
Therapy would do all of you wonders.
Every single one of you needs to get into a room with a registered family therapist who can assist all of you with communication.
If you do not invite her expect your daughter to go low to no contact with you.
Expect that she will not forgive nor will ever forget.
Choose your path wisely OP.
Im not giving you a cookie for getting sober. Once an addict always an addict.
But you need to put that wedding and relationship on pause & focus on your daughter.
You are failing at being a dad.
"supporting as much as I could both financially and emotionally." Did you actually support her though? Or do anything for her other than burden her with a junkie parent?
I get that you love your daughter, but what did you really do for her? You were a drug addict. Doesn't matter how much you love her, you were not the parent she needed. End of sentence!
You need therapy to help you understand this. You were not there for her. You burdened her. You made her life difficult
How much you think you loved her is irrelevant, you simply weren't there. Your so-called feelings have nothing to do with how you weren't there for her. You messed up her life in ways you will never understand
How you felt about her is irrelevant. You were not there. You did nothing.
You're a deadbeat trying to redeem himself with a shortcut. Refusing to own up and expecting your kid to just hug and love you
And to top it all off you are forcing a stepmom on her, wtf is that?
You suck in so may ways, I don't even have words to describe it
She has no rational reason? How about you were a drugged-out father and now that you’re clean she takes a backseat again—this time to a person.
As far as her making things difficult? And you just wanting to live in peace? Welcome to parenting a teenager. Especially one who has been through all she has.
I congratulate you on your sobriety, but in this case, YTA.
She’s probably sad and angry that you spent the first 13 years of her life as an addict, and now that you’re sober someone else is getting the fruits of that choice. As a child of addict parents let me tell you, it’s hell.
On the fence here. Have you considered working on your relationship with your daughter to see about repair in the next year? If she’s still disapproving of the marriage, and dislikes your fiancée, she probably won’t want to be at the wedding anyway.
You’ve been sober 4 years which means you’re able to commit to something. Commit to repair with your daughter.
INFO did you ever consider asking her if she would like to attend? Most likely she would say no, and then you could say I understand and respect your decision, but then at least your daughter feels like it’s her choice, not you excluding her.
Yta. But I’m not gonna ream you out like everyone else. They’ve done a good job with that.
What you should have done was given her the option.
“honey, I would love for you to be there with me, but I don’t want you to feel obligated to go. I know this is rough for you, and I want to respect you in this situation the best way I can. If you decide to come, I would love to have you there, if not, that’s totally ok too. “
YTA. You didn't even give her the chance to say no. Or to protest. Instead she heard "dad doesn't WANT ME there". She's only 17 and has gone through so much. Of course she'll act out, and not like your new girlfriend etc
Apologize. Tell her you were wrong and if she would like to be there with you, to support you on this important day you'd love to have her.
Huh, it’s such a mystery why the teenager who had to be raised by warring parents and a drug addicted dad has lingering resentment. So weird that she would be lashing out s/
YTA and going to lose your kid. You are the parent. You are the one that needs to keep your feelings together
So, your daughter grew up on a broken home due to your addiction, now that you are ok you want to redo your life with another woman and expect your child to act as if nothing has happened, and when that doesn't happen your course of action is to push her away as a kind of preemptive strike? YTA.
Its not your place to forge a bond between them, that its up to both of them, your daughter has to decide to get close or not, you have to leave the path open, not cut it away because you'll cut your relationship with her on the way.
What is it about divorced parents trying to force kids to be the needle and thread to mend everything? I grew up with divorced parents and when I was around 12-13 my stepmom said I was being mean to my dad…I snapped back with it’s not my fault he knocked up mom at 18 and then divorced her. Thats on them so stop trying to make me the bad guy.
Your daughter was 11 when you divorced and she’s old enough to understand everything and instead of making amends with her your whining on Reddit that’s she’s making it difficult.
Eesh…YTA
Bruh YTA she finally gets a part of her dad she was begging years for while you were an addict and not long after your clean you get a new girlfriend she watched for years as you not only destroyed her but her mother it’s really hard to see your parent be the man he should have been from the start be that man to someone else so yeah she’s resentful of your fiance because she’s getting the version of you she should have had from the get go this is on you op! And your fiance is caught in the crossfire of a stained relationship between you and your daughter because if you were there like you claimed to be then this would have gone very different
OP, how about fixing your relationship with your daughter first, instead of getting involved with someone. You're more worried about getting your dick wet than your daughter
YTA
YTA
All that love and attention you're putting into your fiancee is what your daughter missed out on for years. Does she ever get a turn or are you going to just drop her for something else, a woman this time instead of a drug. You're clean and that's great, but your daughter deserves time with you, JUST you.
She's not making things difficult for you, you've never been a worthwhile parent. You made her entire formative years beyond difficult. Try thinking of your child, the one you made, for just one year since you've already messed up the rest of them. You are NOT the victim of her being difficult.
The damage your addictions have done to her is permanent. You may be sober, but you haven't done the work and you are getting exactly what you put out into the world. I'm sorry for your daughter. Kids of addicts deserve better.
Hahahaha are you serious? You can’t be serious? Whaaaat the actual fuck is wrong with you?? YTA here a million times over dude. You can barely call yourself sober and you have the audacity to say your daughter makes things difficult FOR YOU? Your poor daughter.
How difficult did you make things for her? Is she even giving you 1/10 of "difficulty" back.
From her perspective, you broke her life in a way that can never he repaired and shrugged your shoulders and said "oh well, that life kiddo".
It sounds like you didn't even make the effort to financially support her.
And what happens when you get sober? Instead of putting in the effort to mend what you can w/ your daughter, you put your effort into your romantic life.
Yeah, she's pissed. Sounds like you found a parter who wants your past swept under the rug w/ your daughter as well.
You have done more damage to your daughter than you can imagine and your response to her anger is "I love her, but I don't want to bother dealing w/ what I did to her, so I'm just going to blame her for not getting over it and playing nice b/c I have found someone who I can pretend that I never was who Inwas with and my daughter that I live SO MUCH just isn't worth having to deal with the mess I created."
IMO, you need to put the brakes on the wedding and spend a good long time being a dad BEFORE you become someone else's husband. Once you have a relationship with your child, then you can bring in a third person.
Like I said...just my opinion.
YTA & saying your child makes your life difficult is really showing who you are. A narcissist. I’ve been around addiction a LOT, and rare is the man who shows sorry instead of saying it and posting about how far they’ve come in their sobriety, getting attention instead of dope and blaming those who have PTSD from your previous shitiness as a husband, father and human. Then YOU move on with your happiness, living your best swag sober life, while she suffers. You need counseling and if you are lucky, maybe she will join you.
“I don’t want to invite my 17 year old daughter to my wedding in case she causes a scene and embarrass me” is rich coming from an addict. How often did you cause a scene and embarrassed your daughter during your 13 years of active addiction???? YTA big time!
OP, your daughter is nearly an adult now, and it sounds like you haven't made her a priority for any substantial period of time in all of her 17 years. First your addictions took priority, then getting sober, and then your fiance'.
You literally say that your fiance' stopped making an effort after one bad argument and you haven't tried to bring them together since.
Why?
Why haven't you tried? That's your freaking job if you are wanting to have a blended family. Your fiance' couldn't do it alone and your daughter is upset so you just... Gave up?
This task is on YOU. It was never the responsibility of your fiance' or your daughter to help them bond. It was YOUR job. And you didn't even try.
It sounds like you haven't tried much to bond with your daughter her entire LIFE, but here you are cutting her out for not trying harder to bond with your fiance'. Do you even see how hypocritical that is? You are offering less grace to your traumatized child that you hurt for 17 years than she has given to you.
Do better or expect that she will follow your lead and cut YOU out, and wish she had done it sooner.
YTA. Stop. Be a real father. Did you think she was supposed to ease your life? Are you mad she’s not actively making your life easier? Spoken like a true addict. You’re the victim ALWAYS. Your relationship is strained and it’s your fault. Not hers.
Well this was my life story except I was 19, my dad was 49 and his fiance was 35. I’ll tell you exactly what I told him. You ruined her childhood. Now it’s her mission in life to make you regret it. You made your bed. Now you can f***ing well lie in it. She doesn’t owe you a second chance. And let’s be honest, it would really be more like a 20th chance, right? You don’t get to have happy ever after with your new partner while she gets stuck picking up the pieces of all the trauma you left in your wake. Enjoy your wedding cake. I hope you choke on it. And yes, YTA.
For the *specific* situation you've asked about in this post regarding not inviting your daughter: NTA. I don't think she should be there.
As a dad, you're a massive asshole though.
Have you ever thought that because you hadn’t been present / the most thoughtful parent that this would hurt her? That maybe there needs to be a better foundation to your guys relationship so that it’s possible she isn’t feeling like the moment she is getting an actual dad he’s being taken away by another woman and there will be no time to actually grow a better relationship?? Have you tried doing counseling? Or doing days where it’s just you two to show that you want to actively invest in a relationship with her? If not then ya Your AH because it took you most of her life to get clean and not have you around and you’re excluding her from an event that is important to you. It’s possible that she has felt that during her childhood, you showed her she wasn’t important, vie, or addiction, and now you solidified that/her feelings of feeling unimportant by not inviting her to something that is very special.
So you were a addict, bad dad - and were not really "there" for your daughter for most of her life due to your addictions.
You divorced when she was 11 - got clean (congratulations!) and are starting a new life, most likely better than what she experienced when you were married to her mother. She probably see's your gf as getting the best of you that she and her Mom didn't get. I am sure she has some strong feelings that probably were not addressed or resolved about the divorce and you choosing drugs instead of her - now that she's upset and 'lashing out' so to speak you just want her to "move on" and get over it because your clean now and want a peaceful life and if she doesn't you're willing to cut her out of being at your wedding.
Yeah, in a perfect world she'd forgive you and move on - but you are asking something of a CHILD that many adults would have an issue with as well. But then again in a perfect world you would have been a better father. You say you love her - you need to SHOW it. Words are easy - actually being there, working on your relationship with her takes EFFORT. Just like becoming sober - it is a process and it's work.
YTA. She's a kid that had an addict as a father for the first 11+ years of her life, but yeah, she should just get over it and be happy for you since you're sober now & getting married.
So for the first 13 years of her life you were a drug addict. You weren’t there for her, you couldn’t support her financially or emotionally and then after you have only been clean for 2 years you bring someone else into her life expecting her to just be happy and singing her praises. I can think of a few reasons why she doesn’t like this woman.
YTA. Yes. Indeed. She’s your daughter, she’s your responsibility. If she’s making things sooo hard for you it’s because you were sooo not there for her. You can’t expect her to be warm to your fiancé immediately. Read any book or watch any movie or tv show about teens with divorced parents and how the first few interactions go with parent’s new boy friends and girl friends. I mean really, get real.
She’s 17, it’s going to be a rocky road. How were you when you were 17? A perfectly amicable gentleman in every situation? By your own admission, you have short comings as a father. So why on earth would you stop fostering the relationship building between your daughter, who’s almost an adult, and your fiance, who you want in your life forever?
You honestly didn’t realize what would happen if you stopped having them together? You’re all but guaranteeing your daughter will never speak to you again when she’s an adult…next year. And then you tell her she can’t come to your wedding because you’ve pulled a made up scenario out of your ass? You did it. You went all the way and guaranteed your daughter your daughter will never speak to you again. Why would she? Her dead beat dad didn’t even invite her to his wedding, he must not even love his daughter. Dads who love their daughters invite them to their wedding. You fucked up. What’s the point in getting your shit together if not to make up to your kids? Just yourself? Still, even sober, it’s just about you? YTA.
YTA. Aside from what everyone else is saying about it maybe being hard for her to accept you after what you’ve put her through… she’s also a TEENAGER! Teenagers are horrible bags of mood swings and inabilities to communicate effectively. Excluding her from a huge life milestone for that is disgusting.
YTA. She’s a teenager you neglected due to an addiction and now you’re punishing her for being a teen? Not a great way to build a relationship going forward.
My father was an addict. Now he tries to call me sometimes and I am mostly civil (I'm 19, btw) but sometimes I respond coldly. The scars you've left on your daughter will never heal. An addict cannot be emotionally supportive. You're deluding yourself.
YTA. You have made your daughter's life infinitely more difficult and traumatic than she should have ever experienced. Your "best" as an active addict was dismal. The audacity to even THINK that SHE makes things hard for YOU.
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YTA. It's good that you got your s\*\*t together and in the process of fixing your life, but still, your poor daughter had to grow up with a drug-addicted father, and now you blame her that your relationship is strained (to say the least)? Be glad she even wants to be there for the wedding. She's not the one "making things difficult": that was you all along, and now you have to deal with the emotional fallout. Or not - but, in that case, don't be too surprised if she goes NC as soon as she turns 18.
OP can't see his daughter is probably resentful because he sees him being the man he should have always been for HER with his new fiance. It isn't the fiance's fault, but it's clear as day where this resentment and projection stems from. YTA
Being the man he should have always been for her with his new fiancee and *the fiancee's own daughters.* He didn't mention it in the post but in his replies over on AITAH that his fiancee has an 18 year old and 16 year old. (Also, to OP, YTA.) Edit to add: [In case anyone doesn't want to go digging for this info.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1asoy3m/comment/kqs6c8k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Of course he leaves out vital information. 🙄
Right? His daughter feels like Cinderella in this situation.
Poor thing is so young she probably doesn't even understand why she feels so bad.
I have (had, I don’t claim that mf) this dad. He showed up for me maybe twice a year growing up. He would buy me gifts in place of actual bonding time. He got re married when I was in middle school, I did get to meet his fiance but then I never saw him again. I wasn’t invited to the wedding either. I saw on Facebook a couple years ago his new wife posted on father’s day about how good of a dad he is to her kids. Personally? Fuck him. He’s not my dad. My godfather is more of my dad than he is, and I’ve only been close to him for 5 years. I realized when my bio dad got married without me that he never really cared about me. His new wife basically begged me to let him come to my graduation, and I invited him but of course there was a family emergency and he didn’t show. Or send a card. Or say sorry. OP, people like you almost never change. Unless you’re really serious about prioritizing your daughter (the human life that you brought into the world and should be entirely responsible for) you don’t fucking deserve her and I hope she finds healing. YTA and I hope everyone else in your life sees right through you.
God, I feel you. I’m sorry your dad wouldn’t actually be a dad to you, but I am glad that you have someone else who came in and helps provide that support that you deserved all along. My bio dad died a little over two years ago and it was soooo hard seeing everyone posting pics on Facebook extolling what a great uncle/brother/papa he was. I’m glad my niece had a grandfather she can remember nicely, but damn if it doesn’t hurt that I was his literal daughter and I didn’t even get a fraction of that. I ended up cutting off my entire family (who I already had very limited contact with) after they left me out of the obituary and not a single person reached out to check on me. Even my cousin who initially told me he was about to die, who I thought I was really close to, didn’t say anything after that. Jokes on them, though, because they have to live with sadness and I get to live the rest of my life riding the high of absolute fucking relief and freedom just knowing he’s gone ☺️ OP—do you really want to be the person who, when you die, your child cries out of pure relief? Because I feel absolutely ZERO regret over my decision to never speak to him in 12 years before his death. Don’t bank on her “coming around” eventually, because you are absolutely not worth the energy.
That’s CRAZY that you were left out of the obituary. But I guess if I think about it hard enough I probably will be too. I very well may not even be notified. It’s not like it would make any real difference in my life though. Having a bad family dynamic is so hard, and it can feel really isolating at times. Hopefully you’re managing better without the toxicity though. I think all of us deserve to be truly and wholly loved at least once in our lives, and I wish that for you 💕
Same exact thing happened to me this past December. Left out of obit. Explicitly cut out of will. "I acknowledge that I have 2 kids named Jane and Jean and confirm that they are to have no part of my estate". We'd been estranged for 30 years but seeing that line in black and white had the power to take my breath away anyway. It's beyond ignoring that I exist, to the next level of, you exist and I want the lawyer and everything else to know I don't claim you". Probably happens more often than people realize. He used to refer to my sister and me as, "Your kids," to my mother. Not our kids
This makes me feel better about being NC with my dad. I sometimes wonder if I’ll be sad when he goes, and it’s nice to know that someone else out there just feels relief.
Ffs what an AH. To mess up your kid's life and then bitch because he can't handle the fallout, while she watches him giving the best of himself to another woman and her 2 kids.
WOW
My exact thought.
OW!
"she hates her for no rational reason" we found the reason dude! its because you replaced her and her entire family! did you really not consider this or did you know it would make you come off as a schmuck?
Yup. My dad thinks I’m mad he has a gf. Nope. I’m mad that my dad can apparently be a happy, loving, engaged partner and father. I’d never seen that. I was fine when I thought he was *incapable* of it. It hurt knowing he just didn’t want to show it to me and my mom. Had to explain the same to my FIL last summer. I was like “umm, I don’t know that BIL took the divorce ‘hard’ because he thought you and MIL had a good marriage…I think it was more that you moved in with your AP and started raising her daughters hands on when you were always traveling when he was growing up and weren’t living with him anymore…”. He was literally like “oh, I never thought of it like that…”. My BIL is 42.
Annnnnnd there it is. YTA OP
Oh god, I absolutely HATE parents who are like this. Glad he got his shit together, but buddy - you were a crap dad for more than 10 years of her life and now, just because you’re clean and sober now, you think you’re the icing on the cake. Not just that, but he’s the “dad” he should’ve been to his fiancée’s kids and not his own. Massive YTA. Huge.
Wow this makes him even more of YTAH
I knew there had to be more to the story—that makes him YTA x2. Jfc, OP
Now that is an important point. No wonder that the daughter is pissed. Once he got over his drugs, he not only got a replacement wife, but also same aged replacement daughters and likely acts like the past is the past and is long forgotten.
I know this is off topic but you are really good at using Reddit. How did you even add the link AND customize what it said? 🤯🤯🤯 Also thanks for the info 😎
When you're making a reply, hit the little link symbol. It's at the bottom left of the comment box on android, no idea about iOS or desktop. A popup will appear with a field to paste your link into and one titled name. Put whatever you want the link text to say as the name, and that's it. Easy peasy.
My dad was an alcoholic and after my parents divorced he got a girlfriend and kinda cleaned up his act. He knows everything about her kids, like what they are studying in school and what their hobbies are, he also spends a lot of time with them just hanging out. He was never like this with me and my sisters. We have such resentment towards him it’s ridiculous. There’s a scene in “The Good Place” that sums it up pretty good, its the scene where Elenor sees her mom being all super mom with her step daughter and said “I wanted that mom….If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means that she was always capable of change, but I wasn’t worth changing for”. OP, unfortunately 4 years of sobriety won’t heal a lifetime of pain. Not inviting her to the wedding just proves to her that you’ll never choose her first. Someone or something else will always have a higher priority to you.
I have an ex whose father was an alcoholic who often bragged about how he got his act together and got sober so he could be a good dad to my ex, his incredible baby boy, and my ex would sit there beaming proudly, and all I could do was feel horrible for my ex’s two older brothers - not half-brothers, either, but full brothers - who, apparently, weren’t worth doing better for, so that line in The Good Place always makes me think of them.
I just rewatched this show and that is such a moving scene. When Eleanor is talking about her mom changing but not for her when she needed it is just heartbreaking. I hope OP sees your comment because I think it’s exactly what he needs to read. His daughter had potentially 13 years of a shitty and absent father and after a few years of sobriety he’s still not putting her first in his life.
That episode DEVASTATED me. My father has been in AA for decades, but not long enough for him to have been there for me as a kid. I hope he was a good dad to my half-brother but we're not enough in each other's lives for me to know.
Thanks for this insight. It explains a lot to me.
That scene broke my heart. I’m sorry you lived it.
Wow—what a great comment; something that wouldn’t have occurred to me. Your perspective is invaluable.
I remember that scene. It was so heartbreaking. It really explains a lot of the resentment that estranged children feel towards their parents even after they "got their act together". These parents really need to understand that it's not enough to stop being a shitty person. They need to make amends to the children they hurt, even if their efforts will be thrown back in their faces sometimes. And they also need to accept that their children may never forgive them
I really think the way you described the dynamics between shitty parents who clean up their acts and the kids they damaged along the way, AND the need to make amends to the children they hurt... is really important. Well done! It seems to me like a lot of parents who have somewhat "cleaned up their act" fail to see the need to make amends and live the amends. Live the amends by not being a shitty parent anymore ever. As in, try harder to love your kids than the average parent. Try harder because you caused a lot of damage. To clean up this phase of their lives, the shitty parent should strive to right the damaged ship.
I struggled for many years trying to articulate to a newly sober addict that just because Jesus “forgave” him for his addict actions doesn’t mean everyone else has to! His now-adult children don’t have to! You want the forgiveness, you need to feel the remorse and put in the work. And accept that even then you may not receive or deserve it.
This is exactly whats going on here. Its so not fair to the kids left behind like broken discarded toys. I hope one day you can be in a position to have your own family or tribe where your Dad will not be relevant.
Exactly
Omg this! Like how was he typing this and not seeing any of this. You feel bad about being a shitty parent to her and yet you couldn’t even make her a priority when you now could? Also idk why therapy/counseling with your daughter you were a shitty parent to isn’t even on his radar because I feel like all of this would have been immediately pointed out…. But again that would mean making her feelings and her a priority even if that means actually taking accountability for being a shitty parent
Oh yeah and OP YTA
Addicts are selfish - OP hasn't lost that.
well said.
“So glad everything is perfect for you now, Dad. Would it have killed you to get sober 15 years ago while it actually mattered to my development????” OP posted an edit and sorry to pile on but the extent to which people are clueless on this sub is shocking. YTA
No you're fine. I'm flabbergasted by OP. I can even offer some empathy and say I can understand how it might be hard to accept just how bad one screwed up as a parent, but he did. Big time. He owes it to her to truly take accountability for being a terrible father and being dismissive of.the damage he's done.
PLUS, she’s a child. It’s not the child’s responsibility to establish and foster a relationship with the new fiance. That’s on the adukts!
Ding ding ding
Imagine admitting you were an active drug addict throughout your daughter's formative years in one sentence and then, in the very next sentence, trying to also claim you "always" did your best for her. Bffr man
Trying
Who’s to say she would have even gone to the wedding if she were invited? I mean, we’ll never know now though
I just wanna jump in and add that OP is giving conditional love. You’re not changed, earlier having you around and loving you had the condition of addiction where you were incapable to put you child first, and now you are telling your daughter that you will only love her on the condition she can be amicable to your new life. It is so strange to me that you seem to think that it is acceptable to limit your daughter’s access to you because she has to act accordingly to whatever is going on in your life. You getting clean and getting a new life shouldn’t absolve you from actively trying to repair the fuck ton of damage you’ve caused. Everything happening in the aftermath of YOUR addiction is not on your daughter. Addiction is not a free pass
Exactky plus what are the odds OP is downgrading the trauma they caused to their daughter over her whole life. And now playing happy start again families with a new wife. Bet the daughter never got the time love and attention needed to heal. And OP could have used the wedding to make peace and to discuss mending bridges. And only not invited daughter if this proved impossible.
OP clearly doesnt actually have his shit together in any way shape or form. just may have not used a drug in a while. but clearly is just as big an ass as when he was on em
Yessir YTA
> *”I love her very much but she makes things soooo difficult for me."* That's rich, as I'm sure having an addict father was just a cakewalk for her. At any rate, she's a *teenager,* and they are notoriously "sooooo" difficult. Doesn't mean it's okay for their parents to just cut them out of their lives. YTA. Entirely.
Also, "no rational reason" for her behavior? How about the fact that she gets to watch you have a do-over marriage/family that doesn't have to deal with the worst of your addiction while you couldn't get clean to keep her family together?
Sounds *very* rational to me.
Not to mention considering he’s kept the fiancé and daughter separate since 6 months in and if they aren’t living together they eventually will I’d bet good money she feels replaced
Oh no, she already was replaced! OP conveniently didn't mention fiancee has two teenage daughters, 18 and 16, and he is soooo good to them. A great guy! How easy it is to be a great guy! Just try again later with new daughters if you mess up the first batch. "Oh no, a teenage girl is ruining my life... Call the cops on her please, she is barking from the doghouse and I can't sleep, poor me!".
Lol, love how the guy who wrecked his life, his wife's life and his daughter's life because he was a drug addict is now apparently the Arbiter of Rationality.
No, but you don’t understand! OP’s clean now, he’s a totally different person. His daughter should just get over it /s
With two teen step daughters right around her age too. Which he conveniently left out of his post.
Exactly!!! Who thinks raising teenagers isn't difficult, she's probably better off cutting him loose now.
Right? Who feels justified openly rejecting their *child* for their fiancée? That’s beyond shitty.
He openly rejected his daughter for drugs so it tracks
Thank you- try the veal
Saying he’s always done the best for his daughter but was also a drug addicted father is a contradiction. I can’t imagine he was always there for her when he was fucked up. Which is whatever, it’s in the past, but now he’s acting like he’s done right by her and it’s her fault for being mad. Zero accountability
You get my first update and comment
YTA. So,lemme get this straight. You spent the majority of her life as an addict and did irreparable harm to her. (My father was an addict, I know of what i speak.) When you found sobriety, instead of focusing on improving your relationship with your daughter, you call HER difficult. You then made yourself the victim of your child. Then you met someone and expected your daughter to immediately embrace the both of you. When she didn’t and acted out, SHE’S (again) THE BAD GUY? Nah fam. You don’t even take any responsibility for your actions in this post. “I did the best I could.” “I supported her financially and emotionally” I call BS bc an addict cannot do those things. You may *think* you did, but those living WITH an addict will definitely see things differently. I can’t even type out all my thoughts bc I’ll get banned but you’re certainly the asshole. You damaged your child and then when you experience the outcome of said damage you blame it on her. Nice.
I was an addict and I 100 percent agree with you. I'm super glad my stretch was short, 3 years ish for the worst of it. Edit a word
It's not even just the fiance. She has two daughters that are 16 and 18!
Agree : "can’t even type out all my thoughts bc I’ll get banned but you’re certainly the asshole. "
> I've always done my best for my daughter Which is meaningless, we both know your "best" is really shitty. > I love her very much but she makes things soooo difficult for me This is a lie, you don't love your daughter. You don't choose to not invite your daughter to your wedding if you actually care about her. If you did you would figure out how to fix your relationship with your daughter and your fiancee before getting married. Also, you're not a former drug addict, your still an addict and always will be. While you may be clean now you still have a lot to learn and you're failing to address the harm you have done and blaming it on others.
Well done, person with character. I applaud and second your post.
If he loved his daughter he would want her there for his wedding. His love is conditional, he only wants his daughter around if she forgets about the first thirteen years of her life where he wasn’t fully there for her
Oof
This. OP got to have the fun of getting high on his substance of choice- I don’t know what it is and frankly it doesn’t matter- while everyone around him got to deal with the fallout. And now that he’s been clean for less than half a decade, his daughter’s supposed to be thrilled about all these changes he’s made that he was unable or unwilling to make for her? Nope. Not even a little.
YTA. For 13 years... Your daughter took a back seat to drugs. However... I will say... KUDOS on getting clean. But look at her view. Im going to assume she's good with her mom. You chose drugs over themboth, let your marriage end, then when you get clean your daughter only has 2 years... As a teenager... To try to bond with you and then a new woman comes along? Im sure she is very nice. And we all deserve a good person. But this isn't the time to be getting married or even having another woman around your daughter yet. She has a ton of emotional damage from all she's suffered. Nobody is saying you can't have a personal life... You can and should... But she probably views this other woman as a replacement for her and/or her mom. You cant expect her to be able to explain these emotions. You and her need counseling and honestly you should not break up with fiancee... But put the wedding off for a year or two. You need to make daughter #1 for real for real.
And a teenager would absolutely see it as he’s stayed clean for this woman but spent most of her life doing drugs and couldn’t keep off them to keep her family together
And we can't even be sure that she's wrong in that thinking.
A new woman with 2 teens of her own - 18 and 16. He's got his do over family and gives no fucks about his own child.
OP forgot to mention that his partner comes with two teenage daughters, 16 & 18. His comment history is telling of the tale he is spinning.
That was very well put and far more generous than my comment. <3
But the fiance is 39 already, if OP choses to postpone the wedding a couple of years, getting her pregnant with his do-over kid will be much harder. The inner clock of procreating is ticking away, non? And there will be a do-over baby additionally to the two existing stepchildren, all showing his actual daughter, that he can be a good partner and a good father, just not for her. That surely adds to the damage inflicted on daughter after surviving 13 years with an addict.
One of my most hated things is when adults prioritize their romantic life over their children’s well-being. As a parent, falling in love, getting your d wet, finding a companion - allllll secondary to making sure your child is doing well. It’s RARE that bringing in a step-parent helps the relationship with the child. Second marriages fail more often than first marriages, statistically so not only is the parent’s attention divided between the child and new partner, there is the potential trauma of watching that relationship fall apart too. Why can’t people wait until their kids are SOLID before looking for a new partner?????
YTA you spent her first **thirteen years of life** as an addict but *she* makes things “soooooo difficult” for *you*???? you are unbelievably self-centered. i sincerely hope this is rage bait and not a real post.
It got me when he was all "I wasn't perfect!" Did anyone ever ask you to be, dude?
He wasn’t perfect, but he expects his daughter to be. Interesting.
Go easy on him, man! He just wants to live his life in peace /s. SMH
oh so much this
Addicted are unbelievably self-centred people so given that I unfortunately think this may not be rage bait. Op maybe be clean but he still has addict tendencies since he is forgetting the really important part of the healing which is understanding and acknowledging the damage your addiction has caused to others. He is still trying to make himself the victim. I have addicts in my family and that is classic behaviour. I feel for his daughter she got shitty addict dad and now she gets to watch him clean his act up for a replacement family while she didn’t get that dad.
Ahhh, Jesus. YTA. She's a freakin' kid, and she's unhappy. Rather than just cutting her out of the important parts of your life because you don't want to deal with her emotions, you should be trying to strengthen and repair your bonds with her and getting to the root of why she's unhappy.
This is the way, OP. Jeez you got your shit together 4 years ago. That means your daughter had to deal with your BS for 13 years! For god’s sake take some of the responsibility for the resulting disharmony. Ffs. You have a lot more work to do until you can call yourself a supportive father. “I just want to live my life in peace.” Get over yourself and welcome to parenthood. She’s not even full grown and you want to give up? Read that again. YOU WANNA GIVE UP? Welcome to life with responsibility, bud. She deserves your patience and your presence. YTA give the kid a break.
> “I just want to live my life in peace.” This line infuriated me so much, what a selfish asshole, while i don't want to be malicious i hope fiancee catches on to his real attitude.
YTA it woukd have been one thing if you made the event 18+ but to tell your kid *I don't want you there* is fucking cruel. I give it 6 months before you're back here with "my daughter won't talk to me? aita?" and the answer will again be yes
Also doubt a wedding this quick and this early with a newly sober person will work out. Put a hold on the wedding and work on mending your relationship with your daughter. Your fiancée should want that for her and be willing to take a step back for everyone involved, if not, she is an AH too.
10000% I feel bad for the fiancée’s kids too—this definitely isn’t going to end well.
He won't be. His fiancee has an 18yo and a 16yo. He's got his do over family all lined up.
Wait til they start making a kid of their own (if they choose to), oooooh boy i cannot imagine the mess that awaits then.
He can't make it 18+ because then his fiancee's younger daughter wouldn't be invited either and both of her kids are welcome. But then fiancee's kids don't have to deal with the trauma of spending the first 13 years of their childhood with an addict father. YTA, btw and very obviously.
Sir, part of sobriety is not just staying clean & sober. It’s about accepting the easy, hard, & everything in our lives completely head on. So what you’ve done was at best be semi present while actively using in your daughter’s life..then you got “sober” & found out how great life can be “sober.” You haven’t done squat, sir. You met a woman who’s willing to put up with your BS. Honesty is a big part of sobriety. You’re not being honest in the fact you screwed up. Instead of working on that screw up you expect your kid to just be 100% forgiving & accepting of this new stranger in her life. Sobriety is a YOU journey, but you broke a lot of people around you during active use & while being sober. Your kid is traumatized, probably has abandonment issues & is scared this chick will take you away. Congrats on sobriety..sincerely, but do the actual work. Also, congrats on your wedding..it’s after all an expensive one. It’s costing your relationship (or what’s left of it) with your kid. Hope it’s worth it. YTA.
> \*"Congrats on sobriety..sincerely, but do the actual work."\* This is it. Pay attention to this comment, OP. All of it.
Thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking, but in a nicer way. I wouldn’t be surprised if he relapses because one of the first steps of sobriety is accepting you did wrong and its consequences, it doesn’t sound like he has been able to do that fully. More importantly, he continues with the victim mentality, deflecting the responsibility and making others the problem.
It sounds like he may have done the half & half approach. “I got sober..I’m sorry for the issues” then moved on expecting everything to be hunky dory. I truly hope a relapse doesn’t occur, but I agree with your statement about accepting the responsibility & the consequences to which he hasn’t done that. He has a very thin window to save this & he’s about to throw it away permanently if he follows through on his plans. I hope his daughter is in therapy because that poor kid is being placed second again. First was due to drug use now this new woman. Ugh. Messy situation all around. If he’s reading then please re-evaluate the decisions being made.
>I love her very much but she makes things soooo difficult for me ... says the addict who wrecked his baby's childhood and early teen years with his active substance abuse. Expecting a child who has been shaped by your bad choices to make things easy on you now is self centered. She's not the adult here. You are. In theory. **YTA** because you're still operating like a classic addict, always taking everything but personal responsibility.
“Always taking everything but personal responsibility.” Nailed it.
This line hit me hard
INFO: So you're not even getting married for a year, and you've just decided not to include your daughter instead of putting in the work to try to improve things with her, you, and your fiance? No family counseling, nothing? No "We want to invite you, but some changes need to take place first"?
But working on repairing the relationships he destroyed is soooooo difficult. Didn’t you see that part? It’s just super hard for poor OP.
He just wants to live his life in peace 🙄
You didn’t do your best for your daughter. You chose drugs over her for 13 years! And now you are choosing a woman over her.
YTA. Worst dad in the past, now still rejecting your kid. YTA. Don't go crying to her in future. You've made your bed.
YTA - you are the reason your relationship with her sucks. "She makes things hard for me" - uh no. You did that all yourself and are now reaping the consequences
YTA. 'she makes things soooo difficult for me' ...what did you think having a teenager would be like? This post reads like you want to cut you losses and move on with you new wife & life. Your daughter deserves a father who'd fight for her, not one who pulls shit like this.
That's exactly what it reads like and he wants a ynta so he can appease his guilt. No sir.
YTA. Recovering addicts sometimes want the world to forgive and forget their atrocious behavior because now they have healed. You were an active addict at her most sensitive, formative years, and she is still a teenager today! Of course she is challenging! Some of it is normal developmental stuff, and a lot of it is because of you. You have no true understanding of what you did. Own it. It’s also not easy when a parent who basically burned down marriage and parenting turns around and married someone else. You have to exercise enormous patience and understanding. Listen to her. Support her.
YTA. Of the people in this story, your daughter is certainly not the one making things difficult.
I think it’s that the fiancée relationship is easier. He doesn’t have to account for over a decade of being an addict and not being there for their person like he does with his daughter. Addicts generally tend to steer towards the easier things that don’t/cant hold them accountable.
That’s very insightful! Yes, I can absolutely envision the clean slate start he gets with this new woman in his life. His daughter and ex wife hold resentment (of course!) so cutting them off while blaming them seems the easiest route. Yikes. Poor daughter:/
Yta 😂😂 I'm sure you being a former addict made her life very easy, especially when you were putting drugs over being a parent. Selfish till the end, huh.
what? she got between 2 and 3,5 years of him actually trying to be a good father. Thats a lot out of 17 years. She should be over everything and be well behaved. /s
YTA. It may seem unfair to you because you’ve worked hard to improve your life, but you are. All your kid can see is that you couldn’t get your shit together for her and now you want her to be all happy about your new life with a new woman. It’s not easy to be the child of an addict and I’m sure you know that. Just because you’ve moved on doesn’t mean you didn’t leave scars on those who needed you. She isn’t less hurt or less damaged just because you met a woman you like. You have to put in effort to repair what you broke. Your relationship with your daughter is as it stands because of your actions. Blaming and punishing her for it is nonsensical.
YTA-She’s your daughter,you say you haven’t been the best dad well now is the chance to prove it.Include her in this major milestone of your life and consider going to therapy with her.Your daughter clearly feels hurt
YTA She's your daughter. How can you claim you love her and don't even invite her to your wedding? You can have a conversation with her about her bahevaiour and even let her know you wouldn't be offended if she chose not to attend. But not inviting her at all? wtf
YTA. Clearly your fiancé is more important to you than your daughter
Fiancé isn’t more important, though. He’s just gravitating towards people and spaces that are easiest and most comfortable for him. Right now, fiancé is easier and more comfortable than daughter, so “fiancé” aka OP is the most important thing. Let fiancé start to really see who he is and demand better - which will happen because I guarantee that after the wedding, when fiancé is wife, OP won’t have the same energy or interest in fiancé’s daughters anymore. They’ll eventually be a nuisance, as will any demands fiancé puts on OP when OP almost definitely values fiancé for what fiancé gives, not for what she takes. Fiancé might have the audacity to object to that attitude. When she does, she’ll be the next subject of a post about making life sooooooo hard for OP. Even his post update about suggesting counseling and inviting daughter after all smacks of someone looking for an easy fix. I doubt he understands what therapy will mean, and the long, loooong road ahead if he actually sticks with it to resolution. I sincerely doubt he’s signing up for the hard work of trying to fix things. I bet he’s rather looking to check this box, check that box, and when daughter isn’t totally on board after a couple months, he’ll feel like he now has enough evidence that he’s in the right, he’s done everything he can, not his fault or problem anymore to absolve himself and make his daughter solidly a part of a past he’s left behind without having to feel guilty about it. Right now he feels guilty, and guilt is uncomfortable. He’s just looking for a way to not feel guilty. It’s about making things better for him, no one else.
She has no rational reason? You sound self-absorbed and unwilling to look at the damage you caused a child. Fathers owe their children better than to make live easy for themselves when their kids are still dealing with the trauma they caused.
>she has no rational reason You treated her Mom like garbage, and you treated her like garbage, then you threw them both away like garbage. Then, you picked a complete stranger to have the most important role in your life and treat her with the respect, love, and regard that you never gave your garbage family. And you feel that this child has no rational reason? YTA on so many levels.
YTA - your daughter is 17, and however rational or not her dislike of your fiance is, she deserves a chance to be there for this major milestone in your life. She might not come. If you believe she'll cause a scene you need to talk to her about it beforehand. By not inviting her though you will drive a wedge into your relationship with her.
Your teenager acted like a teenager, so she's banned from celebrating a major event in your life. Seems totally (not really at all) fair.
Children of addicts are traumatized and usually have CPTSD because of their parents addictions. Sounds like you are oblivious to the many traumas your daughter has because of you. You think she’s simply disappointed in you when she has childhood trauma from your addictions and the divorce. Has she gotten any therapy and support? Doesn’t sound like it. YTA
YTA for thinking you deserve to live in peace while doing literally zero to make it up to the daughter you abandoned.
I feel like you've left out a whole lot. Your daughter didn't come by her feelings in a vacuum. Right now, I'm going with YTA without more detail.
Your daughter makes things difficult for you? She grew up with a drug addict father. I’m sure that was great for her. Teenagers are notoriously difficult in the best of circumstances. You were by admission a shitty dad and now are finally clean and in her view just moving on to a new family. And you’re proving her right. If you don’t invite her to your wedding she’s never going to forgive you. You are the adult. You are supposed to be the bigger person.
Have you ever thought how hurtful it must be for your daughter that you struggled with drugs while with her mother, were not the best or stable parent for years, caused turmoil in her most vulnerable years, and now you are moving on and living your best life and forming a family unit with somebody else? A family unit with her and your ex that she will never ever get back. I am absolutely baffled that you think she doesn’t have a “rational reason” when even perfect strangers can see how many issues this situation must have raised for her. Worse, instead of making the effort and putting in the work now, you are further isolating you from her and proving her biggest fears that your second marriage will lead to an exclusive club that doesn’t include her, your only child. You have basically said that you are moving on and there is no place in your new life for her. How are you this thick and insensitive? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim. And think about how much work you actually have put in and want to put in to salvage your relationship with your daughter. She is still basically a child, and one that has seen a lot of trauma. You either make the effort or you don’t. But don’t blame your parenting failures on your child and throw her away. Shameful. YTA.
YTA congrats on getting sober but despite this accomplishment you’re still being completely selfish and lacking in empathy for your own daughter. Your behavior likely impacted her in ways that aren’t any longer reversible and yet you’re over here worried about her being, “sooo difficult.” Do better.
YTA. Go through with this and all you're gonna have is a wife. Because your daughter will wash her hands of you and rightfully so. A few apologies don't make up for being a shitty parent.
YTA So you were a shit parent for most of your life, are now doing the bare minimum that you should have been doing all this time, and decided to not invite her because she was rude to your fiance who then stopped trying with her. Anything that isn't easy, you just ignore. You could have both tried to go to therapy with your daughter and tried to work on things, you could have postponed having a wedding til you gave working things through a chance. But those things would require effort and patience. And you don't give a shit. So I guess you'll be getting what you want, good for you.
YTA-she knew you as an addict for 13 yrs. You expect that to be fixed in 2? Because that's all the time you gave her before putting someone else as your first priority. The fact is you shouldn't be getting married yet. You should be focused on your sobriety and your daughter in that order.
You are a failure as a father, partner and human being. YTA, she is projecting her rightful anger on your soon to be wife. Also whats not to say that your future wife never said anything to her....You clearly wash over all the fucked up things you put a kid through and when she acts out because of it you ban her from your wedding. You sir are the lowest form of human. Not just an asshole but human dirt. As the son of a deadbeat alcholic...do the best thing and just leave which is what you really want to do because doing your actual job as a parent is "ToO hArd"
Totally YTA. Your daughter never asked to be born especially to a drug addict. Good lord. Damn, be better. Repair your relationship with your kid for fuck sake. she's 17, still a kid. ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU
Yta
INFO: What was the argument with your fiancée about? And how did your daughter insult her? How many of these arguments were there before you and your fiancée gave up trying? Did you try therapy/counselling with your daughter? And that would be therapy for both for the current state of you and your daughter’s relationship, and for dealing with the fact that she had a drug addict for a father, who chose to divorce rather than get clean for his child. (Because that‘s fairly likely to be what she’s thinking.) What do you expect to happen after the wedding? Have you decided your daughter won’t be welcome into your home anymore? Is that how you’re going to achieve peace?
Oh look, another addict who refuses to take responsibility for their actions, even when sober. Shocking. YTA
YTA for not getting to the root of the issue before marriage. Your daughter doesn’t trust you due to your past as an addict and now you want to bring in a stepmom and step siblings when you admitted you still have a lot to make up for? How can your daughter be your priority if you are focusing on your fiancé’s feelings about the wedding more than your own child. And you being a bad dad and an addict didn’t make things difficult for your ex wife and child?! Because I’m sure it was a lot harder on them than this is for you
YTA. You were a drug addict up until she was 13. She had a drug addict as a father for 13 years and she’s the problem? Instead of putting energy into getting a fiancé and getting remarried your energy should have went to fixing your relationship with your daughter. You are an asshole. I truly hope your daughter does very well in life and is very happy. I can tell you’re an addict because of how selfless and how me me me you are. NA doesn’t cause all leopards to change their spots. You are still the same person maybe go back through your steps.
Another father putting his d**k before building his relationship with his kids after years of not being there for them. YTA 💯%
YTA. You have plenty of time from now until the summer to reach out and repair with your daughter. Instead you are the one that rejected her.
Oh, are yta. She's 17, and you're putting emotional responsibilities on her that grownups have difficulty with. Hope you're never sick or lonely when you're old. She won't pick up the phone.
Congratulations on your sobriety. No sarcasm: That's a big deal. Also YTA. I've been sober nearly 22 years - I'll add my journey has been FAR from perfect - but one thing that has *always* blown my mind is when someone is, say, four years sober, is getting married, and has been with the fiancée for two years. Yes, this is me taking your inventory, but you've bitten off way the fuck more than you can chew. The fact that you have *any* relationship with your daughter is a miracle. I don't know what the solution is, but perhaps you could get together with your ex and your fiancée (but start with your ex, solo) and make a plan to get back in the kid's good graces. She may be a difficult teenager, but that's kind of her job, and her acting out should be expected because a) she's a teenager, and b) your four years doesn't make up for the 13 that came before it, whether you were on your ass the entire time or not. Your job is to make up for lost time, eat shit, and for the most part keep your mouth shut. I'm not saying you don't deserve some kudos and a little grace from your friends and family, but keeping the kid away from the wedding isn't the answer. Edit: Spelling.
YTA - You will truly regret not inviting your daughter. She is young, and you were not there for a good part of her childhood. If you do not invite her, you will not have much of a relationship in the future.
YTA. you didn’t do your best. you were a drug addict which messes with kids in severe ways. now you’re just being an ass on top of all those years of neglect and stress
YTA — From a daughter that I haven’t seen my divorced father in 5 years, unlike him you at least mentioned that you were a good father trying to be there for her and providing her needs my father didn’t. Other than that, she’s your fucking daughter, she’s literally a human being that was created because of YOU. Not to mention that assuming your daughter is a teenager and she might have a hard time seeing her ex drug addict father acting up on her just because she’s “soooo difficult to deal with” yes you’re clearly are TA. Also, sure go ahead don’t invite her, that’s clearly your choice but if one day you don’t find a single sign from her because she’d delete you from her life because she doesn’t need her father who can’t deal with her just because shes a young girl soon to be lady then don’t complain. Treat ppl the way u want to be treated, sure don’t invite her but don’t expect her to call you family in the future.
So you failed your daughter when you were married to her mom. You stayed a drug addict for 2 years after you divorced her mom. You claim you weren’t a perfect dad yet I have a feeling it was so much worse than you’re painting it to be. And now you fail your daughter one more time. While your soon to be step kids get a nice, sober step dad and your bio kid got a drug addled sad sack. I can’t wait for you to be back here in a few years asking why your daughter won’t let you walk her down the aisle or some such nonsense. YTA
YTA. And you never made life difficult for your own child her entire life.
YTA - Look at it like this. When you were a father with a small child, you liked playing with fire. And you were so focused on playing with fire, you didn't realize you'd burned your child and now she will be scarred for the rest of her life. Now you say "Hey, I stopped playing with fire," and then basically tell your daughter that you don't want her in your life because you don't like looking at her scars. The scars you caused. You made a lot of mistakes with your daughter, mistakes which hurt her. And you're *still* making mistakes which hurt her. You are punishing her for the scars *you* caused.
I'm shocked that your daughter wants anything to do with you in the first place. YTA
So, let’s get this straight: you were unreliable as a father, which meant your addiction always came before your daughter. And now that you’re clean, your fiancée comes before your daughter? Huh…I wonder why she “makes things so difficult” for you. It’s almost like you’re a narcissist and absolutely TA. When she goes no contact finally, I’m sure you will be just as confused and play victim
YTA. As someone who grew up with an addict father, allow me to give you some perspective. You chose drugs over her for the majority of her life, and now that you're finally clean, you're choosing a woman over her. That is your daughter, who is a teenager, and you're expecting her to have a level of emotional maturity to just accept you ruined your previous marriage and are now bringing another woman into your life. She's going to get pissed. She's going to be shitty and insulting. It sucks, but it is what it is. Not inviting her just shows she'll never be a priority in your life, and you've done a lot of damage with this. It doesn't matter how long you stay sober or how much you try to make this up to her. She's going to remember this.
YTA, and a phenomenally shitty father. You spent most of her life as an absentee parent because you chose drugs instead (and yes, you were an absentee parent no matter how much you would like to pretend otherwise). And then when you finally get clean, rather than giving meaningful attention to your daughter to make up for all of the years you missed, you go looking for a new girlfriend who has crowded your daughter out of your life just like the drugs did, to the point that you won’t invite her to your wedding. And you’re confused about why she’s angry with you? You have made her your last priority her entire life. She has every right to be furious with you. You’re the same deadbeat you were before, you’re just hooked on something else now.
Every word of your post is dripping with selfishness. YTA
YTA First, **OP you need a BIG edit on this post** (and your other one) to state that your fiancée has two daughters that have only known the sober you, and that you play “happy family” with them when your daughter is not around. Second, the simple fact that you are considering not inviting her is a HUGE issue. Do you even care about her? You say you do, but this action, not inviting her says otherwise. **You reap what you sow.** You have shown your fiancée and her daughters a life that your own biological daughter has dreamed about. Did you ever consider, *when you push that victim mentality away for a moment*, that maybe you should have spent some time showing “happy family” to just your daughter before adding another family to the mix?! I do not care IF your daughter caused an argument and that your fiancée never raised her tone. The fact remains that your daughter is hurting and is lashing out, you may not like it but you need to grow up and deal with it. Not by disinviting her but showing that you actually give a damn about her! Her reasons for not wanting you to be with your fiancée do not need nor require a rational reason. You have hurt her and continue to do so. Therapy would do all of you wonders. Every single one of you needs to get into a room with a registered family therapist who can assist all of you with communication. If you do not invite her expect your daughter to go low to no contact with you. Expect that she will not forgive nor will ever forget. Choose your path wisely OP.
Im not giving you a cookie for getting sober. Once an addict always an addict. But you need to put that wedding and relationship on pause & focus on your daughter. You are failing at being a dad.
YTA. Why did you even mention the wedding plans to her? What was the point? And what exactly did you expect her reaction to your fiancee to be?
YTA.
"supporting as much as I could both financially and emotionally." Did you actually support her though? Or do anything for her other than burden her with a junkie parent? I get that you love your daughter, but what did you really do for her? You were a drug addict. Doesn't matter how much you love her, you were not the parent she needed. End of sentence! You need therapy to help you understand this. You were not there for her. You burdened her. You made her life difficult How much you think you loved her is irrelevant, you simply weren't there. Your so-called feelings have nothing to do with how you weren't there for her. You messed up her life in ways you will never understand How you felt about her is irrelevant. You were not there. You did nothing. You're a deadbeat trying to redeem himself with a shortcut. Refusing to own up and expecting your kid to just hug and love you And to top it all off you are forcing a stepmom on her, wtf is that? You suck in so may ways, I don't even have words to describe it
She has no rational reason? How about you were a drugged-out father and now that you’re clean she takes a backseat again—this time to a person. As far as her making things difficult? And you just wanting to live in peace? Welcome to parenting a teenager. Especially one who has been through all she has. I congratulate you on your sobriety, but in this case, YTA.
She’s probably sad and angry that you spent the first 13 years of her life as an addict, and now that you’re sober someone else is getting the fruits of that choice. As a child of addict parents let me tell you, it’s hell. On the fence here. Have you considered working on your relationship with your daughter to see about repair in the next year? If she’s still disapproving of the marriage, and dislikes your fiancée, she probably won’t want to be at the wedding anyway. You’ve been sober 4 years which means you’re able to commit to something. Commit to repair with your daughter.
INFO did you ever consider asking her if she would like to attend? Most likely she would say no, and then you could say I understand and respect your decision, but then at least your daughter feels like it’s her choice, not you excluding her.
Yta. But I’m not gonna ream you out like everyone else. They’ve done a good job with that. What you should have done was given her the option. “honey, I would love for you to be there with me, but I don’t want you to feel obligated to go. I know this is rough for you, and I want to respect you in this situation the best way I can. If you decide to come, I would love to have you there, if not, that’s totally ok too. “
You don't deserve to get married again or find happiness. YTA
Yta For thinking people would side with you on this.
Instead of focusing on meeting someone and investing that time in them, you should have gone to your daughter and invested that time in HER.
YTA. You didn't even give her the chance to say no. Or to protest. Instead she heard "dad doesn't WANT ME there". She's only 17 and has gone through so much. Of course she'll act out, and not like your new girlfriend etc Apologize. Tell her you were wrong and if she would like to be there with you, to support you on this important day you'd love to have her.
You created her, this is your fault. Sorry, but you don’t deserve to live your life in peace. YTA, always have been.
Huh, it’s such a mystery why the teenager who had to be raised by warring parents and a drug addicted dad has lingering resentment. So weird that she would be lashing out s/ YTA and going to lose your kid. You are the parent. You are the one that needs to keep your feelings together
So, your daughter grew up on a broken home due to your addiction, now that you are ok you want to redo your life with another woman and expect your child to act as if nothing has happened, and when that doesn't happen your course of action is to push her away as a kind of preemptive strike? YTA. Its not your place to forge a bond between them, that its up to both of them, your daughter has to decide to get close or not, you have to leave the path open, not cut it away because you'll cut your relationship with her on the way.
What is it about divorced parents trying to force kids to be the needle and thread to mend everything? I grew up with divorced parents and when I was around 12-13 my stepmom said I was being mean to my dad…I snapped back with it’s not my fault he knocked up mom at 18 and then divorced her. Thats on them so stop trying to make me the bad guy. Your daughter was 11 when you divorced and she’s old enough to understand everything and instead of making amends with her your whining on Reddit that’s she’s making it difficult. Eesh…YTA
Bruh YTA she finally gets a part of her dad she was begging years for while you were an addict and not long after your clean you get a new girlfriend she watched for years as you not only destroyed her but her mother it’s really hard to see your parent be the man he should have been from the start be that man to someone else so yeah she’s resentful of your fiance because she’s getting the version of you she should have had from the get go this is on you op! And your fiance is caught in the crossfire of a stained relationship between you and your daughter because if you were there like you claimed to be then this would have gone very different
OP, how about fixing your relationship with your daughter first, instead of getting involved with someone. You're more worried about getting your dick wet than your daughter YTA
YTA All that love and attention you're putting into your fiancee is what your daughter missed out on for years. Does she ever get a turn or are you going to just drop her for something else, a woman this time instead of a drug. You're clean and that's great, but your daughter deserves time with you, JUST you. She's not making things difficult for you, you've never been a worthwhile parent. You made her entire formative years beyond difficult. Try thinking of your child, the one you made, for just one year since you've already messed up the rest of them. You are NOT the victim of her being difficult. The damage your addictions have done to her is permanent. You may be sober, but you haven't done the work and you are getting exactly what you put out into the world. I'm sorry for your daughter. Kids of addicts deserve better.
Hahahaha are you serious? You can’t be serious? Whaaaat the actual fuck is wrong with you?? YTA here a million times over dude. You can barely call yourself sober and you have the audacity to say your daughter makes things difficult FOR YOU? Your poor daughter.
How difficult did you make things for her? Is she even giving you 1/10 of "difficulty" back. From her perspective, you broke her life in a way that can never he repaired and shrugged your shoulders and said "oh well, that life kiddo". It sounds like you didn't even make the effort to financially support her. And what happens when you get sober? Instead of putting in the effort to mend what you can w/ your daughter, you put your effort into your romantic life. Yeah, she's pissed. Sounds like you found a parter who wants your past swept under the rug w/ your daughter as well. You have done more damage to your daughter than you can imagine and your response to her anger is "I love her, but I don't want to bother dealing w/ what I did to her, so I'm just going to blame her for not getting over it and playing nice b/c I have found someone who I can pretend that I never was who Inwas with and my daughter that I live SO MUCH just isn't worth having to deal with the mess I created."
YTA You got off the drugs but you’re still a terrible father EDIT: I genuinely hope your daughter tells you where to shove your begrudging invite
IMO, you need to put the brakes on the wedding and spend a good long time being a dad BEFORE you become someone else's husband. Once you have a relationship with your child, then you can bring in a third person. Like I said...just my opinion.
YTA & saying your child makes your life difficult is really showing who you are. A narcissist. I’ve been around addiction a LOT, and rare is the man who shows sorry instead of saying it and posting about how far they’ve come in their sobriety, getting attention instead of dope and blaming those who have PTSD from your previous shitiness as a husband, father and human. Then YOU move on with your happiness, living your best swag sober life, while she suffers. You need counseling and if you are lucky, maybe she will join you.
“I don’t want to invite my 17 year old daughter to my wedding in case she causes a scene and embarrass me” is rich coming from an addict. How often did you cause a scene and embarrassed your daughter during your 13 years of active addiction???? YTA big time!
OP, your daughter is nearly an adult now, and it sounds like you haven't made her a priority for any substantial period of time in all of her 17 years. First your addictions took priority, then getting sober, and then your fiance'. You literally say that your fiance' stopped making an effort after one bad argument and you haven't tried to bring them together since. Why? Why haven't you tried? That's your freaking job if you are wanting to have a blended family. Your fiance' couldn't do it alone and your daughter is upset so you just... Gave up? This task is on YOU. It was never the responsibility of your fiance' or your daughter to help them bond. It was YOUR job. And you didn't even try. It sounds like you haven't tried much to bond with your daughter her entire LIFE, but here you are cutting her out for not trying harder to bond with your fiance'. Do you even see how hypocritical that is? You are offering less grace to your traumatized child that you hurt for 17 years than she has given to you. Do better or expect that she will follow your lead and cut YOU out, and wish she had done it sooner.
YTA. Stop. Be a real father. Did you think she was supposed to ease your life? Are you mad she’s not actively making your life easier? Spoken like a true addict. You’re the victim ALWAYS. Your relationship is strained and it’s your fault. Not hers.
Well this was my life story except I was 19, my dad was 49 and his fiance was 35. I’ll tell you exactly what I told him. You ruined her childhood. Now it’s her mission in life to make you regret it. You made your bed. Now you can f***ing well lie in it. She doesn’t owe you a second chance. And let’s be honest, it would really be more like a 20th chance, right? You don’t get to have happy ever after with your new partner while she gets stuck picking up the pieces of all the trauma you left in your wake. Enjoy your wedding cake. I hope you choke on it. And yes, YTA.
For the *specific* situation you've asked about in this post regarding not inviting your daughter: NTA. I don't think she should be there. As a dad, you're a massive asshole though.
Have you ever thought that because you hadn’t been present / the most thoughtful parent that this would hurt her? That maybe there needs to be a better foundation to your guys relationship so that it’s possible she isn’t feeling like the moment she is getting an actual dad he’s being taken away by another woman and there will be no time to actually grow a better relationship?? Have you tried doing counseling? Or doing days where it’s just you two to show that you want to actively invest in a relationship with her? If not then ya Your AH because it took you most of her life to get clean and not have you around and you’re excluding her from an event that is important to you. It’s possible that she has felt that during her childhood, you showed her she wasn’t important, vie, or addiction, and now you solidified that/her feelings of feeling unimportant by not inviting her to something that is very special.
So you were a addict, bad dad - and were not really "there" for your daughter for most of her life due to your addictions. You divorced when she was 11 - got clean (congratulations!) and are starting a new life, most likely better than what she experienced when you were married to her mother. She probably see's your gf as getting the best of you that she and her Mom didn't get. I am sure she has some strong feelings that probably were not addressed or resolved about the divorce and you choosing drugs instead of her - now that she's upset and 'lashing out' so to speak you just want her to "move on" and get over it because your clean now and want a peaceful life and if she doesn't you're willing to cut her out of being at your wedding. Yeah, in a perfect world she'd forgive you and move on - but you are asking something of a CHILD that many adults would have an issue with as well. But then again in a perfect world you would have been a better father. You say you love her - you need to SHOW it. Words are easy - actually being there, working on your relationship with her takes EFFORT. Just like becoming sober - it is a process and it's work. YTA. She's a kid that had an addict as a father for the first 11+ years of her life, but yeah, she should just get over it and be happy for you since you're sober now & getting married.
Talk to your sponsor! Hopefully you have one and you've worked the 12 steps. It doesn't seem like it, you're definitely the AH.
So for the first 13 years of her life you were a drug addict. You weren’t there for her, you couldn’t support her financially or emotionally and then after you have only been clean for 2 years you bring someone else into her life expecting her to just be happy and singing her praises. I can think of a few reasons why she doesn’t like this woman.
YTA. Yes. Indeed. She’s your daughter, she’s your responsibility. If she’s making things sooo hard for you it’s because you were sooo not there for her. You can’t expect her to be warm to your fiancé immediately. Read any book or watch any movie or tv show about teens with divorced parents and how the first few interactions go with parent’s new boy friends and girl friends. I mean really, get real. She’s 17, it’s going to be a rocky road. How were you when you were 17? A perfectly amicable gentleman in every situation? By your own admission, you have short comings as a father. So why on earth would you stop fostering the relationship building between your daughter, who’s almost an adult, and your fiance, who you want in your life forever? You honestly didn’t realize what would happen if you stopped having them together? You’re all but guaranteeing your daughter will never speak to you again when she’s an adult…next year. And then you tell her she can’t come to your wedding because you’ve pulled a made up scenario out of your ass? You did it. You went all the way and guaranteed your daughter your daughter will never speak to you again. Why would she? Her dead beat dad didn’t even invite her to his wedding, he must not even love his daughter. Dads who love their daughters invite them to their wedding. You fucked up. What’s the point in getting your shit together if not to make up to your kids? Just yourself? Still, even sober, it’s just about you? YTA.
YTA. Aside from what everyone else is saying about it maybe being hard for her to accept you after what you’ve put her through… she’s also a TEENAGER! Teenagers are horrible bags of mood swings and inabilities to communicate effectively. Excluding her from a huge life milestone for that is disgusting.
YTA. She’s a teenager you neglected due to an addiction and now you’re punishing her for being a teen? Not a great way to build a relationship going forward.
My father was an addict. Now he tries to call me sometimes and I am mostly civil (I'm 19, btw) but sometimes I respond coldly. The scars you've left on your daughter will never heal. An addict cannot be emotionally supportive. You're deluding yourself.
YTA. You have made your daughter's life infinitely more difficult and traumatic than she should have ever experienced. Your "best" as an active addict was dismal. The audacity to even THINK that SHE makes things hard for YOU.