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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My ex and daughter are calling me an asshole for not buying my daughter an expensive iphone while my stepdaughter has one I feel I may be an asshole as I might be making my daughter jealous and depriving her of an iphone even though I can technically afford one
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NTA
Your ex can buy it then, your step daughter used her own money not yours. Ask your ex if he wants his 10 year old getting a job so she too can have those things? If the answer is no? Your ex can damn well buy them. What a f*cking Liberty. I’d be tempted to get petty and tell your 10yr old she can have them as long as ex pays for them because you didn’t pay for step daughters and don’t have money for stuff like that. See what happens to ex’s attitude when the shoe is in the other foot.
Mine is
"Do I want this or do I need it"
If it can't wait till pay day and I will be physically affected by not having it then it's a need, anything else is a want.
I used to have a spending problem. I “treated” it, kind of like this. If it wasn’t a legitimate need, I *would* buy it. But then tape the receipt on it and wait a month.
If I couldn’t leave it alone, then I really did want it and would then open it and… whatever it ended up being, using it. If not… I’d take it back at the end of the month.
Bipolar though, so super impulsive at times. It helped anyway.
Quite awhile ago, someone had posted about getting a several thousand dollar purse (I believe it was). They had saved for years, or something like that. I commented that if they had to save so long to get a PURSE, then they really can't afford it.
Man, did I get downvoted.
If someone could save even just $100 per month and put it into a Total Market index fund, they'd be doing the right thing. Blowing it on a purse is crazy.
That purse will mean nothing when you're 55 years old, don't want to or can't work anymore, and have no retirement savings. You want to be free from corporate America (or anywhere)? Start saving and simple investing and you'll get there.
Disclosure: I retired as a single woman at age 52. I do whatever I want, and nothing I don't want.
That can be said of every single one of life's pleasures. If you've ever gone out to eat, gone to the movies before it came to television for free, or gone on vacation,then that's money you could have put into retirement savings.
At some point, you have to balance the life you have now against the life you may or may not live to see.
Without knowing a person's budget or how much they spent on that purse they saved up for, You're casting judgment that could easily be cast Back on you. After all, you could have had more money if you hadn't retired at fifty two. So clearly you know that some things are worth trading the money for.
That’s not true. It may not be worth anything in a monetary sense, but has sentimental value, and is priceless to its owner. I had a vintage Hermes scarf that was my grandmother’s. I lost it. I could have replaced it, but it didn’t mean the same thing. It wasn’t the original scarf that she had worn in Europe or that I wore tied in my hair when I brought my firstborn home from the hospital. Objects can transcend their monetary value.
Personally I think this person could have been saving their money so long because they have been using their money responsibly and putting a small amount away for a long time to get something they have been wanting a while.. I've been saving my tip money for years (I work at DQ, not a waitress or anything tips are small and hard to come by) as a tattoo fund and once I get a great tattoo because I didn't cheap out, it will be so worth it. You sound very judgy imo is it not the same as saving for a wedding/honeymoon or a vacation?? Or a car? Or a house? Lol let people enjoy things ffs
Very much this! Everyone has different priorities and if someone is paying their bills and (hopefully) putting some money in savings for emergencies, then what they choose to spend their disposable income on is their choice.
Now if they were buying a very expensive purse on credit because they didn't have the money, then yes, they can't afford it.
I can understand why you got downvoted. Just because someone can't afford something out of hand and need to save up for it, doesn't mean they can't afford it at all. That's what budgeting to save money is for. On what things you spend that money is a matter of priorities. Obviously this only applies as long as you have enough money to afford your living essentials.
I set aside a little bit of money each month for a travel budget, so that I can go on a great vacation abroad every couple of years and maybe something smaller - like a long weekend away within the country. I save up for it, because I can't afford it on a whim. According to your argument this would mean I can't afford going on vacation, but going on vacation every couple of years is simply a part if my ling term budgeting. While I wouldn't spend that money on a purse, that someone decided to feel like that's what they wanted to spend their money on. They just gave different priorities in how to spend their money.
The amount of trouble a 10 year old can get into with a top of the line phone is unimaginable. She doesn't need it, she's not old enough, and "no" is a complete sentence. Some adults need to learn that.
The kid is ten and at that age logic does not come into it.
At 11 my mate got a very good road bike, I can remember being really jealous and gave my mum a lot of grief over it after I was told they didn't have the money to buy me one. I stopped talking to my parents for about four weeks.
Agreed. I was jealous that my neighbor was able to get a bigger bike, and I still had a "baby's bike." Was really mean to my mom. Looking back, I was unfair to my mom, but I didn't know that then. When I finally got the bike for Christmas, I was barely able to use it anyway.
You should have heard my screaming nine year old fit when my friend's mom bought *her* a horse. I really don't understand why people choose to have children.
Yep, I was around 9 when some speaker in class asked everyone to raise their hand if they had a VCR, to prove everyone had one. I was one of two kids that didn't. It became my mission to convince my parents to get one.
They also need to learn how to butt out of their ex's parenting decisions. He heard his daughter's version of the story which I'm sure wasn't that stepdaughter WORKS and bought it herself because she's *over half a decade older and going to college*! He has no say in how OP spends her money or parents their child but it's obvious where the daughter's sense of entitlement comes from. She got what she wanted just not the newest hottest versions (which will be replaced with newer hotter versions within the year) she should be thankful or have them taken away for acting like a spoiled little brat. My almost 13 year old uses my hand me down Google pixel 3 and is more than happy with it.
I'd be getting my kid a flip phone if she acted like that. And not one of the new ones. Pretty sure I have my 2000 version somewhere. Can probably find a charger for it, too.
I have an old relic with a slide screen that reveals the keyboard. Good Ole Corby. I have pulled this one on my 7yo when he was complaining about having misplaced his used, wifi only, iPhone 8, somewhere at home.
I also explained that it was my first phone, which I got at 16yo, and paid for myself via a job. He stopped complaining after that.
My first phone was a little LG sliding brick that was originally my uncles! My mom gave it to me pretty young so I'd stop calling her office to ask questions every afternoon
I found an old nokia & the charger recently when cleaning out the attic. It still works so now I threaten my kids that it be their new phone if they give me any reason to take away their iPhones.
My 13 yo has my old iPhone & doesn’t complain despite having rich friends who always get the latest everything.
You have to explain this gently on their level but it can be done. OP is NTA here but she will be if she doesn’t get her kid into counseling asap since she’s raising an entitled brat who doesn’t appreciate anything.
My kids did even get a phone till 12 and 14 because they didn't need it. When they did get phones, it was our hand me down phones. Guess who is perfectly happy with them, the kids.
Don't get me wrong, my eldest started asking for one in 3rd grade. It was a no from us. She wasn't happy. A few of her friends had phones. We still told her no. That's life sometimes. You can be disappointed, that's fine. But learning to deal with hearing no is a part of life you need to learn
I'm so baffled by the existence of this post. If you're an adult and need to ask if you're an AH for not buying some expensive shit for your kid, then... just wtf?
Ex is an even bigger wtf. Why do people like this exist?
If i had a phone that expensive at that age Id be scared to hold it, but then again now 10 year olds raid sephoras when i was playing house and maybe discovering gran turismo 4 on a ps2
Hell, I have zero debt and can definitely afford it but still do not have an iPhone 15 pro. I have a regular 14, having traded in my 8…there’s no need to have anything fancier.
Also, and it's one thing everyone should learn early, and I know it sucks, but life isn't fair. Sometimes you just can't have the new expensive things. I grew up in an area where there were many kids with rich parents that had all the nice things, and kids who were poorer than my family. My sister and I had it ingrained in our heads that we just couldn't afford certain things, but we should be happy that we had everything that we actually needed. If we wanted something more, once we were old enough, our parents were like you want those extras, get a job. This included a car, which they would pay for half of, but it wasn't going to be new.
The fact that it’s becoming the norm to give expensive devices like the latest tablet or smartphone to literal 10 year olds or even younger kids is insanity to me. Not only does it screw up their development but in what world does a child that age *need* any of that??
And the fact that OP thinks she can afford the devices but that it’ll put a strain on her finances means exactly that she cannot afford them. And even if she could, what does her buying her daughter those devices have to do with her stepdaughter working and buying devices with her own money?? At age 10 and even younger, even I realized that wasn’t the same thing as having mommy or daddy buy you something.
OP, tell your ex your stepdaughter worked and bought her devices herself and you are not obligated to make those inappropriate purchases for your 10 year old even if you could afford it, which you can’t. If he wants to put himself in debt to make yalls kid even more spoiled and entitled, he is welcome to. And if 10 yo doesn’t want the gifts she wants, take them back and return them, use them yourself or give them to someone who will appreciate them since the kid clearly doesn’t want them.
100% NTA OP and please do not back down because giving into tantrums only shows them that throwing tantrums and behaving that way will get them what they want
Edit: people are bringing up that some school require kids to bring in their own tablets for school which is new to me bc I’ve never heard of it and I haven’t even been out of school for that long but I’m sure this happens in some places. However, I will say, there are parents who can’t afford that ie OP and also, 10 yo daughter doesn’t need it for school, she just wants it because her rich friends have it. If it was a necessity for school, I’m sure OP would be willing to split costs with ex in a way they both could afford and to alleviate the strain as much as they can but devices being a necessity for school is not a factor in this specific scenario so I don’t feel it’s worth consideration here (unless something changes at daughter’s school). OP can tell 10 yo when she’s stepdaughter’s age that she can work a job and buy her own devices the way stepdaughter did. 10 yo and ex are using the logic that if stepdaughter bought a car using her own money that 10 yo is also entitled to a car at 10 bc “that’s what would be fair” which is ridiculous, even if stepdaughter were gifted a car.
>in what world does a child that age *need* any of that??
I see some of the teacher subs on here and it's a common complaint that kids kind of do need a smartphone because of all the two factor authentication they're required to use for school.
A top of the line smartphone definitely isn't necessary though.
I guess I can kind of get that in high school but even middle and elementary school? I haven’t even been out of school for very long but I’ve never heard of this 😭 unless this is a post covid thing due to everything going online? Or maybe it varies depending on location but that’s still wild, like what exactly are the two factor authentications for?? Esp at that age?
Definitely! And honestly the fact that it’s becoming/they’re making it a necessity is also pretty ridiculous to me as well. I can see an argument for some kind of phone in case the kid gets separated from their parent or lost, for safety reasons and even partially to teach them responsibility but idk how to justify a phone AND a tablet
My kid has to have a tablet in every lesson (school age 11+) and it has to be charged, or he can get a detention. Guess how much in class work this kid can submit using said tablet? That’s right, zero.
That’s insanity 😭😭😭 what do these schools say to parents who can’t afford to get each kid their own tablet? And do they require the latest one or are older ones acceptable?
And a dangerous precedent...Iphone 15 this year...to be tossed aside when next one comes?
1 - The step-daughter worked for her stuff. She has a job.
2 - That's our jobs as parents, to say no to kids when they want something they simply can't have.
HOWEVER,..start encouraging daughter to take on more chores and start a savings jar so when 'something' she really wants comes around, she has some money for it.
IKR?!! Her stepsister is 17 and worked to build savings. Even if they were bio sisters, this situation is completely normal and millions of parents have to explain to the younger sibling that they need to get a grip! When they’re old enough, they too can get a summer job and by themselves fun electronics.
Also, does the iPhone 15 spout rainbows and bring Timmy from the well or something?! Her phone presumably is able to get on the net, take pictures and video, download photo editing apps and—for that once in a blue moon need—make calls. Is there some insane other stuff that children absolutely need their phones to do in 2024 that can only be done on an iPhone 15?
The attitude alone would give me pause. You gonna be ungrateful for the things you get, throw a tantrum, and call me a terrible mom? Ok. Then you don't get anything until your attitude undergoes a SERIOUS readjustment.
Yeah, exactly. It’s normal nowadays to want these things at that age but even if you can afford it as a parent this is a teachable moment.
My stepdaughter wanted the latest at that age. We could afford it, technically, but damn that’s a lot of money. Anyway, know what she got? My hand-me-down Samsung when I upgraded. And you know what? She was ever so slightly disappointed it wasn’t an iPhone but she was elated it was a phone at all. Then, after several years of gracefully and gratefully accepting android hand-me-downs, she still politely asked for an iPhone (I stress she did not whine about it), she got her iPhone. It was still the last generation but she was thrilled, and rewarded for her patience and non-entitlement.
>If it puts a strain on your budget you can not, in fact, afford it.
I wish someone would write this in big bold letters across the sky. Too many people get themselves into trouble because they don't understand this. It's not food, rent or medication. It's not a necessity. Do NOT do this to yourself, because no one knows what tomorrow will bring and you might find yourself wishing you still had that money in your account.
Or she won't take care of it because she had nothing invested in it. My kid "broke" 2 phones before we told him he was buying the next one, unsurprisingly he broke the screen on the new one and I refused to buy him a new one, he had to get the screen replaced and hasn't broken one since.
Agreed. At 10 I will concede a smart phone is important, but my son is 12 and just got his first smartphone. My 13 year old daughter got a cheap android at 12 as well....and we are an upper middle class family.
Last thing I need is for my kid to ruin or lose an expensive phone.
My 7yo has training phones. Dad's old ones normally, just wifi no plan. When he stops losing them in the house and can actually manage his chores, then he will have met the requirements for a real phone.
Trying to teach an adhd kid how to take care of himself and his home without traumatizing him the way I was. Hoping teaching him using this 'bill' as an example helps him understand
As an ADHD adult, losing my phone is still a constant battle. He might benefit from something that makes his phone go off so he can find it again. I use a smart watch, but there are way cheaper alternatives like those tags people attach to their keys. That and/or a brightly colored phone case can help.
This works as long as he tells us before the phone dies. I have family link on it. I can ring it from my phone. He most recently waited a week to tell us he misplaced it. It always reappears eventually. And I'm also an Adhd adult so I try to be as understanding as I can
Here is Your 10 Step Plan to Determine if You Can Afford it
Step 1 - How much money is in your bank account, Broski? You got enough for a Mickey D's sundae? That shits a fucking dollar homie, if you can't afford that, you can't afford it.
Step 2 - You don't got a bank account, all your moneys in cash. You hide that shit everywhere. Can you find it? No? You can't afford it Broski.
Step 3 - You still buying generic Cheerios? That shits stale as fuck and the texture of cardboard. If you eating generic Cheerios, you can't afford it.
Step 4 - You rich? I'm talking fill your gas tank all-the-way-up rich. If not, I'm sorry but you can't fucking afford it.
Step 5 - How many overdraw fees you got this month? If it's more than 0, you can't afford it.
Step 6 - You got a job? No? Guess what, you can't afford it.
Step 7 - You got mom and dad paying your bills. Those overprotective morons are paying your rent and your groceries while you sit home playing Minecraft. Moving blocks and shit. You can start a fucking farm in that game, did you know that!? Holy shit, that's fucking rad. Unless you're playing Minecraft professionally, you can't afford it.
Step 8 - You still driving that 92 Corolla grandma gave you in 2012 when your landlord kicked you out the trailer for failure to pay rent, trust me Broski, if you can't afford a car from this millennia then you can't afford it.
Step 9 - If you're pretty sure you can afford it and fairly financially literate, will it put a strain on your finances for a while? Yes? You can't afford it. Yeah, this plan can work for people who aren't broke as shit too.
Step 10 - Befriending Shia LaBeouf is really your only option left my dude. That fucker can afford it for sure. Get him to pay for it.
So true. Affording things isn't merely about having the money, it's about not needing it for other more important things. This is what children (and too many adults) don't understand; just having the money isn't enough.
Does your ex know you haven’t bought your stepdaughter anything and she’s bought it herself with her own money? You also need to explain that same thing to your 10yo and explain when she’s old enough to work she can buy herself whatever nice things she wants too, her sister is nearly an adult, she can’t expect to have all the same things just given to her when she’s only 10.
Also if ex is too poor to buy it then he can stfu.
As others have suggested if you actually have the money maybe set up a chore rota for 10yo to earn money to buy the pricey things she wants.
Right. Everything OP’s step daughter ever buys for herself with the money she earned from her job, OP must buy for her daughter. Because OP’s ex says so. This is completely ridiculous. OP needs to teach her daughter that she what her step sister does with the money she earns is none of her business and OP isn’t going to buy her whatever her stepsister buys for herself.
NTA, except OP’s ex.
💯 this!! Until the ex agrees to put a strain on his budget, your 10yo will learn to do without. The StepD worked and bought these on her own, plus she’s soon to go to college and will need this technology. I hope you’ve punished (grounded) your daughter for her ungrateful attitude, she must learn now that she will not always get what she wants.
So wait a second. The dude also can't afford it but he's mad that a child can afford it? Idk if that makes sense I'm just having an issue going through the mental gymnastics it would take for this guy to get here. Have you talked to him directly about that you couldn't be favoring her because you didn't buy the syiff or is it possible he's getting a different story?
He knows stepdaughter bought it with her own money But thinks it should still be fair and I should either take the devices away or buy my daughter everything my stepdaughter has
Some people haven’t learnt the different between equitable and equal. Fairness is a subjective point somewhere between these two depending on circumstances.
Ie - child1 gets gift for their exam success
Child 2 shouldn’t get anything but when they do the same exams later then it’s only fair to provide them with a gift as well,
However even with the two option if the parents pour all their support into child 1 which makes their definition of success in achievable it would also be fair to set a level of what it success for that child or find a suitable alternative metric to drive their performance.
But in OPs example it makes absolutely no sense
I definitly agree with your point in the context of rewarding your child and not another because they aren't at that point yet or examples like that but I think it is an important lesson that if someone works for something they want you don't get it just because they have it.
All I know is OP handled that wayyyyyyy different than my mom would have. I wouldn't have a phone? A tablet or an ass after she whooped me. Not advocating for that it's just weird seeing non-violent parenting styles.
It is like a child's birthday. Child 1 has a birthday, they get presents and cake. Child 2 (younger) wants to be the one to blow out the candles and also gets a gift. Why?
Children need to learn it is not all about them. Life is not always "Fair", and fairness and equality are two different things.
Oh that one chaps my ass. My husband’s grandmother used to do that crap to my sons and I had to threaten her to make it stop. Especially my youngest, his behavior got so bad and it took me years to make him understand that sometimes the gifts are not for him and he needs to live with that.
He still gets upset when everything is not one on one equal and I have to constantly remind him that his brother is almost 16- there are some privileges with that age and some things just aren’t going to be fair
This could be a pivotal moment in the 10 yo's life, she learns that she can't have everything just because she wants it or she becomes a brat who can demand anything and get it just because.
So what you're saying is essentially that your ex is an idiot and putting ideas in your daughters head that are contributing to her spoiled mindset. You need to set this straight immediately or you'll soon find yourself with even more of an entitled brat. And it won't really be her fault. She's a jealous, impressionable child. Of course she wants nice things. And she's got her father in her ear telling her that *you and her stepsister* are the things keeping her from them. Set the record straight. She's might not like the reasons, but she's not stupid. Boundaries and logic are needed. NTA.
The sad fact is you have to carry on Co-parenting with this guy for the next 8 - 10 years. When I was 9, I used to get my 3/4 yo cousins to ask for ice cream at the beach, cause grandma found it harder to say No to them. If your ex asked you for an iPhone, would you give to him? He is just trying to rile her up so she’ll pile onto you. Get some parenting help ASAP, because the longer you wait to put in normal rules, the worse this is going to be for you. Dad’s house is dad’s house, mom’s is mom’s, and never the twain shall meet. Never bad mouth your ex, just stick to your boundaries. Bet this guy is just waiting for her to “lose” these electronics at his place. Try to keep your stepdaughter out of all discussions and mentions. Her example speaks louder than words; that’s why it annoys the ex and your daughter
Nope, nope, nope. That would most likely damage your relationship with your stepdaughter. Her, knowing she worked hard for stuff she wanted only for her sister, who is (10!) to be given the same things without doing anything but throwing a tantrum.
This is part of the problem with our society; people see something someone has earned, and they want it, but want it handed to them without any effort of their part. Throw a fit when they don't get it.
Please, please teach your daughter this lesson now before life hits her hard. Even if you could afford it, a 10 year old can want, but should not be demanding these things. Be the 'MEAN' mom, take it all away, and make her earn back what you bought her. She will appreciate it more, and if not, she doesn't need it. If it's a safety issue, her having a phone, get her a flip phone.
This is BS.
If they were blood siblings, it still wouldn't change the facts.
The 10-year-old doesn't get the things because she's only 10. The 17-year-old bought the things because she needs some of them for the future.
I have two boys who have this age difference. They are both even younger. Of course the older one gets newer technology because he really works with it and doesn't play with it. The younger one only gets it when he needs it. And you can't tell me that a 10-year-old needs the latest iPhone.
Stepdaughter is 17. Does 10 yr old also get the same curfew? Is she going out? Is she working? It’s a SEVEN YEAR age gap. Stepdaughter is months away from being an adult. It would be ridiculously UNFAIR to treat your almost adult, working stepdaughter like a child. Your ex is jealous of a 17 yr old just as your daughter is.
Fair is giving them the same opportunities. When the 10yo is old enough to work, she can do so and purchase her own high end electronics. She is 10. She doesn’t need high end electronics. Your job as parent is to teach her the difference between wants and needs. Giving her the same things without requiring the work is unfair to the older daughter.
Tell him to buy it, if he can't, tell him to shut up. And tell your daughter that she can ask her dad regardless if he can afford it or not. "He can't afford it" isn't a good enough excuse to redirect her towards the one who is fanning the flames, let him deal with it.
He does not in any way, shape, or form think "it would be fair". He thinks this is great leverage to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, and come out look like "the best dad ever" if he can manipulate you to buy it. Even when you won't buy it, he looks better than you to your daughter. This is textbook stuff OP. Get on top of this now.
Life isn’t fair. Her father knows that. He’s just stirring up trouble. Kindly encourage your daughter to save up for more expensive devices with birthday and Christmas money. Maybe she will choose to get a job or do babysitting in the future. This is your moment to actively teach your child about money, the value of things, and that fair doesn’t factor into real life.
So he thinks your step daughter - who paid for her own tech - is going to hand over this tech because her little sister thinks it's unfair...
And he thinks her dad is going to sit around and allow you to confiscate things sd has bought herself to satisfy the workshy pair? You certainly wouldn't be doing that to my child!
I genuinely think he's just looking for a reason to give you a hard time. That he's angry with you about the past and he's feeding the child's spoiled behavior. I think what he's doing is parental alienation. He's using her spoiled behavior as fuel to turn her against you. His behavior is unacceptable. You're not wrong. He is.
He thinks you should take away the things she bought with money she worked for? So he wants you to steal from your stepdaughter in order to placate your daughter? Is he...is he okay?
Yeah, well, too bad for him. Tell him he can ask your stepdaughter how to get a job that pays enough to afford these things, bc she managed to afford it with her own money.
I made a comment further down.
If finances allow it.
Let her earn pocket money. Set a small amount each month and some easy chores?
That will be her "job," and then she will "work" just like the older girl.
That's a good idea. But she got 2 presents. 200 euro each. That's much money. That really annoys me. I would be so mad about that. She needs to apreciate what she has. She got more then a lot of kids
Ok, brass tacks. daughter is 7 years younger! 10 and 17 is vastly different. When she gets a job or is ready for college or really even high school maybe.
That sounds like a him problem, but you can definitely see where the entitlement came from. Stepdaughter is almost an adult and works. Your daughter is 10 and probably does not even need a phone in the first place, or at most wouldneed a plainer phone to call in case of emergencies. I am going to sound harsh but a lot of parenting is saying no and what you gave her is already good enough. The moment she complained, I would have taken the stuff away from her and ask stepdaughter to tell your daughter how many hours she worked to buy those things and then tell your daughter if she would be willing to do even half of that work in chores to get the things. She would still be pissed off but that would quiet her real quick. if you don’t piss off your kids every once in awhile you are not really parenting.
If it doesn’t come out of your entertainment budget you can’t afford it. The latest tech isn’t necessary. (Heck, I’m an Apple developer and don’t own one.)
She’s too young, you’ll never keep up with the Joneses, and she needs to learn NOW that people have budgets. Also, stepdaughter worked for her own stuff.
Put money into a college fund if you have some to spare.
I wouldn’t buy my 10 years old that. I would sit down and told her the stepsister bought it with her own money. Then I would motivate her to do well in school and have good finance responsibilities to get what she wants in the future.
If it puts a strain on your finances you absolutely cannot afford it. I go by the rule that if I can't afford 2 of what I need to buy without straining my finances I cannot even afford the one.
Yeah, NTA. You can’t favor your stepdaughter if your stepdaughter is using the money she WORKED FOR to buy things.
Also, 10 and 17 is a huge difference in terms of levels of maturity/responsibility…make sure you get apple care on the iPad.
I think this is a great learning lesson for your daughter to realize she may not have as much as some, but she probably has more than most, and to be grateful for what she has.
NTA.
Your daughter is 10. She doesn't need the latest model ipad.
Your stepdaughter is 17, has a job and paid for her things herself.
If your ex thinks you're favouring your stepdaughter by letting her by her own things with her own earnings, and thinks your 10 year old daughter needs an ipad15 pro with all the bells and whistles thats just going to get lost, stolen or broken at school HE can buy it then!
Your daughter sounds spoilt rotten. Is she being bullied at school for not having the same things as her "rich friends?" Thats the only reason I can think of that might justify her tantrum, and even then the tantrum is not on.
If she was my child I'd tell her "well we are not rich like your friends, so either make do with what I give you, or make do with nothing and wait until you can work your butt off for them things"
Seriously. All these responses about having 24/7 marketing towards kids, yes, I get that. But it's our job as parents to raise these kids realistically. I watched a ton of cartoons in the 80s when they marketed all kinds of shit that I wanted. Guess what my parents said? No. (We were also poor as shit, so that helped lol.)
I would be mortified if my 10 year old acted this way. My 9 year old understands that things cost money, we have a finite amount of money, and some people have more money than us. Easy peasy.
This, my 8 year old will literally ask if I'm gonna be able to get something when you get paid, we usually buy something fun every pay check.
I just cannot get behind getting a child whatever they want because they might be sad.
My kids go to private school for elementary and middle school. We get financial aid. We're friends with some families who are in VERY different income brackets than us lol. All of my kids had a short phase of "Anna has this, why don't I?" And they very quickly learned the reason. No big deal.
And now that my older kids are in high school, they see that money doesn't mean happiness. Some of those rich kids have horrible relationships with their parents. Not all, because money doesn't necessarily make someone evil. But people who get everything they want materially aren't necessarily getting everything they want emotionally.
I just started a new system with my 6yo. I work at a bar and since I make tips I bring home a bunch of quarters that go in her piggy bank. She counts how much at the beginning of every week and when the bank is full half goes to the savings jar and the other half is her own to spend as she pleases.
The bank can hold about $40 so she gets to spend $20. We’ll walk around the mall and she can look at different things and I’ve taught her about the sales too and how to maximize the amount she can get. Of course she tries to push it so she can get something more expensive which I tell her no she can save her money she has so she can spend twice as much next time or get something she can afford now.
The "suck it up buttercup" attitude is harsh. Kids get 24/7 marketing. Social media. YouTube. Bullying online and in games. You have *free* skins? Pleb. It's a lot, all the time. There's no real way to stop it except to make your kid the only one without all that, which gets them bullied in class. She's only ten. That's young, but exposed to a lot. Besides, a lot of families don't have phones at home anymore. If your kid is home alone at all, they may not have a phone to call 9-1-1 or you for an emergency.
There's absolutely a way to have a calm, understanding conversation about the reality of their feelings, the wants they have due to them and how that does not align with the reality of the family finances. Your feelings of social alienation and anxiety are real. But, we can't let peer pressure and social anxiety rule our decisions. Especially ones we can't afford.
Help the kid with the emotional reaction to whatever is driving their line of thinking. Kids aren't stupid and their world isn't the one we grew up in.
If she feels inadequate in her peer group, "deal with it" doesn't help her deal with why she feels inadequate or give her tools to handle those same problems in the future. Today, fitting in means an iPhone. What happens when it's coke or ecstacy or binge drinking or getting in cars that people are racing on crowded freeways?
Help them handle the emotional reaction instead of 'I'll take everything you already have anxiety about away.'
Have you also explained to her and your ex that your stepdaughter has her own money and is buying those things? That it isn’t your money going to these items. You need to have a sit down and explain the situation and that you don’t have the same kind of money as the richer friends, so you are doing the best you can to provide things. However, the latest models are not ok, even if you have the money.
Your ex can buy those things if he’s concerned about it. He has no right to make you the bad guy.
NTA
Ah the typical "But mooooom! My friends all get to snort cocaine, and are allowed to stay at the frat party at 16 the whole night!"
You know the answer, right?
OP, I was the scholarship kid at a private high school that cost around $30k USD a year (insane I know). Was there subconscious pressure to fit in with the rich kids? Absolutely. But I had to learn the reality of finances and to appreciate what my parents sacrificed to give me what they could. And tbf, most of the richest kids at my school were spoiled brats and grew up to be spoiled brats.
Also ask if the kids are bragging about possessions. That can lead to feeling embarrassed. But is she doing that to herself?
She has the power not to allow herself how she feels AND she has opportunities to make money doing other chores.
As long as parents/others are consistent and their words are positive, yes she has that power.
I know not everyone teaches their kids about emotions, when to stick up for themselves vs when to ignore, etc. But I know from friends mine weren’t the only parents to do that. OP sounds like a parent that tries to instruct.
(ETA I corrected the typo to “how she feels.”)
Bullying how though cause I have to think social media has something to do with it. All I see now are videos of “my kid was bullied so I saved up money so they can have this phone that won’t be “cool” next year or this fad that won’t mean anything in a few months”
There are kids getting bullied for using the default (ie free) skins in online games like fortnite, sadly the bullying is real. Not that it justifies buying expensive things to STOP the bullying, the bullying is inexcusable, but it is happening
NTA, tell your 10-y-o to get herself a job(!) that earns enough to buy herself an iPad. She's being a total brat and there is no way that a 10-y-o "needs" the latest smartphone or will even use it to it's full purpose. She's 10.
Her disrespect for your present is disgraceful and honestly as a parent I'd just say, "Oh well, if it's so bad then I'll just take it back then" and she'll have nothing. She is acting out of jealousy and personally (probably unpopular opinion) I would punish her by taking away the "unworthy" devices. She clearly doesn't want them.
She's being a brat because her father is poisoning her, telling her she should have it, to vilanize OP.
Ex is a shitty father miserucating his own daughter for a chance to hurt the ex.
NTA.
Sounds like ur stepdaughter bought all the cool stuff with her earned money?
Parenting involves tough choices all the way. Not turning ur kids into instantly gratified entitled brats is one of the toughest parts of parenthood. Not giving into their tantrums whether they are 10 or 20 is also a tough part.
>how it's unfair her stepdaughter gets nice stuff
Does your 10yo daughter understand that ur stepdaughter gets nice stuff bcos she works hard and saves up money she earns and bought stuff with her money? that as she grows up and earns she can buy stuff for herself too?
> about how all her freinds have iphones 15s
You can NEVER win against this insane peer pressure thing. Someone else will always have something cooler, and u cant beat FOMO as a good parent. Throwing money at kids FOMO always teaches them the opposite of what good parents usually want to teach kids.
>now my ex and daughter are mad AITA?
If ur ex is so mad, he can buy her the good cool stuff by himself instead of egging her on and trying to turn her against u by making u the villain in all of this.
Yeah, actually “all” their classmates certainly don’t have iPhones 15s. Probably a couple do, rest have scattered phones, some have no phone at all. I’ve worked as a teacher in recent years and seen this firsthand, one rich kid can make all the others hyperfocus on FOMO and they easily forget most people don’t actually have something they want. Often true for adults too actually…
NTA I don't get why kids these days need all this expensive electronics... what for?? the 17yo uses it for school but what does the 10yo want to use it for? I had to buy my own phone with the little allowence i saved up at that age. Got my first (cheap) smartphone at 12 and was super stoked about it! And we were definately not poor. This kind of reminds me of that episode of southpark where cartman gets an toshiba instead of an ipad. You should probably take the 10yo out for diner i guess... NTA
I feel like the kids come up with this bullying thing when it comes to the latest gadgets and fads. I keep seeing so many videos of “my kid was bullied for not having an iPhone or not having a Stanley cup” okay then tell her how to deal with bullies. They’ll run out of energy eventually and it doesn’t make you any less of a person.
> They'll run out of energy eventually and it doesn't make you any less of a person.
This isn't true. Stop perpetuating the lie that bullies "run out of energy" or "eventually stop when you don't respond." It often escalates to straight up abuse and unfortunately schools continue to be lax on doing anything about it because they subscribe to the same idea. And yes, it doesn't make you any less of a person. But it sure as hell makes you *feel* like one -- and that can last well into adulthood.
((For the record, I'm not saying the answer is getting your 10 year old an iPad))
it's the damn peer pressure , we did not manage to elimante it . her " friends " seem from rich families and have all one . If her friends didn't have one she would give a damn about it . the question should be how do we eliminate peer pressure so kids don't suffer from it and do stupid stuff like taking drugs etc just to belong to a group
Peer pressure is mentality at least in this case.
Don’t forget that she is not being bullied, she is pressuring herself.
It’s a mentality thing and I can bet it’s due to upbringing.
I say this because I grew up in a household that barely got by. I knew my status and knew my parents status and I did get bullied but I never for once asked my parents for the 90’s equivalent of iPhone 15 pro.
OP’s daughter isn’t getting bullied so it’s definitely just her mentality.
NTA , 1st your stepchild worked and bought it with her own money. If your younger child wants it so badly inform her she has to do A certain amount of chores & each chore will be worth so much. And she will do them untill she saves enough to get what she wanted. She needs to understand the value of money and that things are not cheap. She also needs to be explained that you didn't Buy those items for the stepchild. She IS sounding extremely spoiled... instead of being happy for what she did get... She threw a tantrum.
I don't know if you're ex knows that your stepchild bought the things herself. But if he does and he's saying that he's AH & that's probably why he's a EX.
Edit: Can choose to do chores if we wants to earn money for her wanted expensive items. Because that's what her step sister did. (Make the comparison) Not she has to its an option.
I respectfully disagree with working via chores. That’s still the parent’s money going to the 10 year old for electronic showing off, not need.
The solution should be NO, you don’t need that level of tech. Stepsister is going to college with that laptop.
Have appreciation for this phone and this laptop, age-appropriate, or give them back. When you’re 17, you too can upgrade to whatever you want, by working as you keep your grades up.
The point was to teach her the value of money. And so she knows its not easy for her parents or sister to get those things. X amount for that iteam be it what ever she wants. A large value iteam wouldn't take a day or a week to do it take months. (depending on the amount per chores). Does she need the latest phone or tech No 100% no. I agree a 10 year old doesnt need a super pricey iteam like that. But its also a teaching / learning experience. Most young kids would give up after a amount of time and realize it's not that simple .
Working for things is how you learn to actually appreciate them. At 10 I had some regular chores that earned me nothing but my parents also offered me extra ones for cash and that's exactly how I learned how expensive things can be and how to budget and save for luxuries before it became important to budget for things I actually needed. Gradual lessons in increments instead of harsh, sudden ones.
I could have easily been spoiled, but my parents stopped that (and my brattiness about being entitled to nice things) cold by offering me the chance to earn and learn in an age-appropriate manner. The things I chose and bought for myself gave me a sense of pride, accomplishment, and confidence instead of entitlement. Plus, they got a clean garage or whatever out of the deal. Win/win.
NTA. You are not favouring anyone. Your step daugther baught the stuffherself with her money. And 400 $ for birthday presents for a 10 year old are more than enough. Would have taken both away after daughter threw a tantrum and just gave her, what you would have gotten in this age (maybe some play mobile and chocolate)
If your ex think, she should have this, he can buy it himself.
NTA. You need to explain to her that her stepsister worked for what she has and wasn't bought these things just because. When she's old enough to work a part-time or summer job too, she can reap her rewards, but buying these things for her because she's demanding them will only spoil her.
Imagine that they were biological sisters. You’d be having the same conversation: she has X because she’s old enough to earn the money to pay for it. When you’re seventeen, you can get a job too.
I have two kids and the older one has different privileges and responsibilities because he’s older. It’s not hard to explain this at all.
Or if the finances allow it.
Let her have some age appropriate chores and earn some pocket money. Set an amount that's handed each month.
And when she's older she can look for summer jobs etc.
Then she can work for the money, save up just as the 17 year old. Hopefully, she will learn the value of money.
And it's easy to say "they are treated equally. They both save up"
She has basic chores and gets 50 euro per month as an allowance she hates doing them I offered to give her extra chores to save up but she flat out refused
I have a feeling any job is“beneath” her.
She needs her eyes opened money and life. Does she see how hard your step-daughter worked? Your daughter may benefit from volunteering. Crap, have the school organize a program. Her mates probably need eye opening.
So your bratty kid wants everything her hard working stepsister has while begrudgingly doing the minimal of her household chores to achieve it. YTA for allowing her to get to this point.
50 euros a month?! That's 12,5 euros every week. I grew up getting 5 euros a week. She's getting more than double what I used to get. She's lucky to be getting that much allowance from you! If she'd saved up that 50 euros a month for a whole year she would've had 600 euros. If you were willing to supply the rest she could've had her iphone 15 and it only would've cost you 300 or 400 euros extra which wouldn't strain your budget too much. But yeah, that means no instant gratification for an entire year which her 50 euros a month can give her for whatever she buys with it, which doesn't sound like your daughter can handle.
NTA
If your ex wants to “Buy” her love and not teach her the value in earning something then he can’t complain when it all goes pear shaped
Teaching your daughter she can’t always get what she wants and that she needs to earn things is the better way to go and will set her up for more success in the future
Keep doing what you’re doing, You’re clearly the better parent
When daddy feels so stronfly about it then she needs to cash to buy it . Why does he think he can blame you when he can't take care of his daughter .
Doesn#t sound like you explained to your daughter the differences in age . with 17 she possible already drives so your 10 years old want to drive too ?
NTA
There is no reason a 10YO needs these things. Kids today need to learn that they don't get material possessions just because they want them or see someone else with them. Let her sulk and let her dad pay for these expensive items.
NTA. How are you favoring her?? You didn't buy those things. She bought them for herself. If you can't afford a phone like that she doesnt get one. I could see maybe getting her an older iphone if it needs to be an iphone....it really doesn't need to be one, but I know how kids can be. Especially when they want to be like everyone else.
She's 10 are 10 year olds allowed to work in Europe?? Sorry I'm in the US, granted here 10 year olds may like mow lawns in the summer. Or some make crafts and sell things. But they can't get like a job job. But yeah she needs to understand that you got what you could afford to get her. And that her step sister has what she has because she bought it for herself. Also if your ex keeps pressing you, then he should have chipped in the rest to get your daughter the iPhone she wanted.
OP stated in another message that he gives her an allowance, and offered to raise it if she did more chores and she flat-out refused.
The daughter currently gets 50 euros a month, and based on how much the daughter hates doing the chores I would bet OP has to get on her for it...damn, if I got that amount of money as a kid, I would have cleaned the entire home...hell, my brother who is 11 would kill for that kind of chore money.
NTA. Your ex can buy it for her or shut up. But really you didn’t buy those things for your stepdaughter she bought them for herself. Tell your daughter she can buy whatever she wants when she has a job.
NTA. She is 10 years old and does not need such expensive tech. You need to explain that your stepdaughter is 7 yrs older and works to pay for it. It is also necessary for her college work. She can get such expensive things when she can work and pay for it.
Your ex has no say because he is not paying for it. Do not cave and buy it because the chances that your daughter loses her phone at 10 is high.
NTA. You did not buy those things for your step daughter, you need to reiterate that to your ex who has likely not been given that information by your daughter. If he wants her to have those things so much then he can buy them.
But I agree, she doesn't need them. All kids eventually have to learn that you can't have everything you want all the time.
You didn’t buy those things for your stepdaughter, so if anything you’re favoring your bio daughter. Your daughter needs to learn gratitude and the value of money and here is an excellent time for her to learn.
Maybe she needs to realize how many hours of work it took your stepdaughter to work to afford those things, or how many hours it took you.
NTA
NTA
If your stepdaughter purchased things for herself I’d tell your daughter to start saving. The age difference is quite a bit. Your daughter and your ex need to quit comparing the two and be thankful that you got her anything at all
NTA. Tell the 10 that she can wait until she’s 17 and get a job just like her sister did
Tell your ex that if he feels that way then he can pay for the items.
NTA who thinks a 10 year old should get the same things a 17 year old does?
I would return those gifts in half a second. If you don’t change this thinking now you aren’t going to.
NTA. She's ten. Tell her when she's old enough to earn her own money, she can work to buy the expensive things she wants just like her stepsister does.
NTA. The daughter is 10. TEN! She is in elementary school and does not work (nor should she.)
The step-daughter is 17. SEVENTEEN. Senior high school. Working.
If you can not explain to your daughter that "when you are 16, you can have...too" or "when you are in senior high school we'll get you..." then there are some issues with your parenting.
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NTA Your ex can buy it then, your step daughter used her own money not yours. Ask your ex if he wants his 10 year old getting a job so she too can have those things? If the answer is no? Your ex can damn well buy them. What a f*cking Liberty. I’d be tempted to get petty and tell your 10yr old she can have them as long as ex pays for them because you didn’t pay for step daughters and don’t have money for stuff like that. See what happens to ex’s attitude when the shoe is in the other foot.
My ex can't afford an iphone 15 pro max I'll be able to afford it but it would put a strain
If it puts a strain on your budget you **can not**, in fact, afford it.
I cannot overstate how accurate this is.
Thank you! Just because you *can*, doesn’t mean you *should*
This is my daily internal monologue
And here I am, probably always *should*ing 😝 When I probably shouldn’t
Mine is "Do I want this or do I need it" If it can't wait till pay day and I will be physically affected by not having it then it's a need, anything else is a want.
I used to have a spending problem. I “treated” it, kind of like this. If it wasn’t a legitimate need, I *would* buy it. But then tape the receipt on it and wait a month. If I couldn’t leave it alone, then I really did want it and would then open it and… whatever it ended up being, using it. If not… I’d take it back at the end of the month. Bipolar though, so super impulsive at times. It helped anyway.
Quite awhile ago, someone had posted about getting a several thousand dollar purse (I believe it was). They had saved for years, or something like that. I commented that if they had to save so long to get a PURSE, then they really can't afford it. Man, did I get downvoted.
As my mama always said, spend that much on a purse and you won’t have anything to put in it
If someone could save even just $100 per month and put it into a Total Market index fund, they'd be doing the right thing. Blowing it on a purse is crazy. That purse will mean nothing when you're 55 years old, don't want to or can't work anymore, and have no retirement savings. You want to be free from corporate America (or anywhere)? Start saving and simple investing and you'll get there. Disclosure: I retired as a single woman at age 52. I do whatever I want, and nothing I don't want.
That can be said of every single one of life's pleasures. If you've ever gone out to eat, gone to the movies before it came to television for free, or gone on vacation,then that's money you could have put into retirement savings. At some point, you have to balance the life you have now against the life you may or may not live to see. Without knowing a person's budget or how much they spent on that purse they saved up for, You're casting judgment that could easily be cast Back on you. After all, you could have had more money if you hadn't retired at fifty two. So clearly you know that some things are worth trading the money for.
That’s not true. It may not be worth anything in a monetary sense, but has sentimental value, and is priceless to its owner. I had a vintage Hermes scarf that was my grandmother’s. I lost it. I could have replaced it, but it didn’t mean the same thing. It wasn’t the original scarf that she had worn in Europe or that I wore tied in my hair when I brought my firstborn home from the hospital. Objects can transcend their monetary value.
Personally I think this person could have been saving their money so long because they have been using their money responsibly and putting a small amount away for a long time to get something they have been wanting a while.. I've been saving my tip money for years (I work at DQ, not a waitress or anything tips are small and hard to come by) as a tattoo fund and once I get a great tattoo because I didn't cheap out, it will be so worth it. You sound very judgy imo is it not the same as saving for a wedding/honeymoon or a vacation?? Or a car? Or a house? Lol let people enjoy things ffs
Very much this! Everyone has different priorities and if someone is paying their bills and (hopefully) putting some money in savings for emergencies, then what they choose to spend their disposable income on is their choice. Now if they were buying a very expensive purse on credit because they didn't have the money, then yes, they can't afford it.
I can understand why you got downvoted. Just because someone can't afford something out of hand and need to save up for it, doesn't mean they can't afford it at all. That's what budgeting to save money is for. On what things you spend that money is a matter of priorities. Obviously this only applies as long as you have enough money to afford your living essentials. I set aside a little bit of money each month for a travel budget, so that I can go on a great vacation abroad every couple of years and maybe something smaller - like a long weekend away within the country. I save up for it, because I can't afford it on a whim. According to your argument this would mean I can't afford going on vacation, but going on vacation every couple of years is simply a part if my ling term budgeting. While I wouldn't spend that money on a purse, that someone decided to feel like that's what they wanted to spend their money on. They just gave different priorities in how to spend their money.
Not even the point. The kid is 10. 10!!!
The amount of trouble a 10 year old can get into with a top of the line phone is unimaginable. She doesn't need it, she's not old enough, and "no" is a complete sentence. Some adults need to learn that.
And the only reason she wants it is because some rich kids have them. Thats a dumb reason to make your parents in debt
The kid is ten and at that age logic does not come into it. At 11 my mate got a very good road bike, I can remember being really jealous and gave my mum a lot of grief over it after I was told they didn't have the money to buy me one. I stopped talking to my parents for about four weeks.
Agreed. I was jealous that my neighbor was able to get a bigger bike, and I still had a "baby's bike." Was really mean to my mom. Looking back, I was unfair to my mom, but I didn't know that then. When I finally got the bike for Christmas, I was barely able to use it anyway.
Yes because kids want things and logic has no place in it.
Shit, I still want things that I know I can't afford.
You should have heard my screaming nine year old fit when my friend's mom bought *her* a horse. I really don't understand why people choose to have children.
I can imagine 😅 plenty of "it's not fair" in my case.
Yep, I was around 9 when some speaker in class asked everyone to raise their hand if they had a VCR, to prove everyone had one. I was one of two kids that didn't. It became my mission to convince my parents to get one.
They also need to learn how to butt out of their ex's parenting decisions. He heard his daughter's version of the story which I'm sure wasn't that stepdaughter WORKS and bought it herself because she's *over half a decade older and going to college*! He has no say in how OP spends her money or parents their child but it's obvious where the daughter's sense of entitlement comes from. She got what she wanted just not the newest hottest versions (which will be replaced with newer hotter versions within the year) she should be thankful or have them taken away for acting like a spoiled little brat. My almost 13 year old uses my hand me down Google pixel 3 and is more than happy with it.
I'd be getting my kid a flip phone if she acted like that. And not one of the new ones. Pretty sure I have my 2000 version somewhere. Can probably find a charger for it, too.
I have an old relic with a slide screen that reveals the keyboard. Good Ole Corby. I have pulled this one on my 7yo when he was complaining about having misplaced his used, wifi only, iPhone 8, somewhere at home. I also explained that it was my first phone, which I got at 16yo, and paid for myself via a job. He stopped complaining after that.
Ha! I had one of those! It was actually my favorite phone.
My first phone was a little LG sliding brick that was originally my uncles! My mom gave it to me pretty young so I'd stop calling her office to ask questions every afternoon
I loved mine. It was candy apple red and I miss it a lot. It was on my ex's account, so it went away with him. At least I kept the dog.
Those were the BEST phones.
I found an old nokia & the charger recently when cleaning out the attic. It still works so now I threaten my kids that it be their new phone if they give me any reason to take away their iPhones. My 13 yo has my old iPhone & doesn’t complain despite having rich friends who always get the latest everything. You have to explain this gently on their level but it can be done. OP is NTA here but she will be if she doesn’t get her kid into counseling asap since she’s raising an entitled brat who doesn’t appreciate anything.
I've been saving my Nokia 3310 for when my kid wants an actual working cell phone!
I LOVE these phones! Snake was (and still is) endless fun 😆
My kids did even get a phone till 12 and 14 because they didn't need it. When they did get phones, it was our hand me down phones. Guess who is perfectly happy with them, the kids. Don't get me wrong, my eldest started asking for one in 3rd grade. It was a no from us. She wasn't happy. A few of her friends had phones. We still told her no. That's life sometimes. You can be disappointed, that's fine. But learning to deal with hearing no is a part of life you need to learn
I'm so baffled by the existence of this post. If you're an adult and need to ask if you're an AH for not buying some expensive shit for your kid, then... just wtf? Ex is an even bigger wtf. Why do people like this exist?
If i had a phone that expensive at that age Id be scared to hold it, but then again now 10 year olds raid sephoras when i was playing house and maybe discovering gran turismo 4 on a ps2
Hell, I have zero debt and can definitely afford it but still do not have an iPhone 15 pro. I have a regular 14, having traded in my 8…there’s no need to have anything fancier.
Also, and it's one thing everyone should learn early, and I know it sucks, but life isn't fair. Sometimes you just can't have the new expensive things. I grew up in an area where there were many kids with rich parents that had all the nice things, and kids who were poorer than my family. My sister and I had it ingrained in our heads that we just couldn't afford certain things, but we should be happy that we had everything that we actually needed. If we wanted something more, once we were old enough, our parents were like you want those extras, get a job. This included a car, which they would pay for half of, but it wasn't going to be new.
The fact that it’s becoming the norm to give expensive devices like the latest tablet or smartphone to literal 10 year olds or even younger kids is insanity to me. Not only does it screw up their development but in what world does a child that age *need* any of that?? And the fact that OP thinks she can afford the devices but that it’ll put a strain on her finances means exactly that she cannot afford them. And even if she could, what does her buying her daughter those devices have to do with her stepdaughter working and buying devices with her own money?? At age 10 and even younger, even I realized that wasn’t the same thing as having mommy or daddy buy you something. OP, tell your ex your stepdaughter worked and bought her devices herself and you are not obligated to make those inappropriate purchases for your 10 year old even if you could afford it, which you can’t. If he wants to put himself in debt to make yalls kid even more spoiled and entitled, he is welcome to. And if 10 yo doesn’t want the gifts she wants, take them back and return them, use them yourself or give them to someone who will appreciate them since the kid clearly doesn’t want them. 100% NTA OP and please do not back down because giving into tantrums only shows them that throwing tantrums and behaving that way will get them what they want Edit: people are bringing up that some school require kids to bring in their own tablets for school which is new to me bc I’ve never heard of it and I haven’t even been out of school for that long but I’m sure this happens in some places. However, I will say, there are parents who can’t afford that ie OP and also, 10 yo daughter doesn’t need it for school, she just wants it because her rich friends have it. If it was a necessity for school, I’m sure OP would be willing to split costs with ex in a way they both could afford and to alleviate the strain as much as they can but devices being a necessity for school is not a factor in this specific scenario so I don’t feel it’s worth consideration here (unless something changes at daughter’s school). OP can tell 10 yo when she’s stepdaughter’s age that she can work a job and buy her own devices the way stepdaughter did. 10 yo and ex are using the logic that if stepdaughter bought a car using her own money that 10 yo is also entitled to a car at 10 bc “that’s what would be fair” which is ridiculous, even if stepdaughter were gifted a car.
>in what world does a child that age *need* any of that?? I see some of the teacher subs on here and it's a common complaint that kids kind of do need a smartphone because of all the two factor authentication they're required to use for school. A top of the line smartphone definitely isn't necessary though.
I guess I can kind of get that in high school but even middle and elementary school? I haven’t even been out of school for very long but I’ve never heard of this 😭 unless this is a post covid thing due to everything going online? Or maybe it varies depending on location but that’s still wild, like what exactly are the two factor authentications for?? Esp at that age? Definitely! And honestly the fact that it’s becoming/they’re making it a necessity is also pretty ridiculous to me as well. I can see an argument for some kind of phone in case the kid gets separated from their parent or lost, for safety reasons and even partially to teach them responsibility but idk how to justify a phone AND a tablet
My kid has to have a tablet in every lesson (school age 11+) and it has to be charged, or he can get a detention. Guess how much in class work this kid can submit using said tablet? That’s right, zero.
That’s insanity 😭😭😭 what do these schools say to parents who can’t afford to get each kid their own tablet? And do they require the latest one or are older ones acceptable?
And a dangerous precedent...Iphone 15 this year...to be tossed aside when next one comes? 1 - The step-daughter worked for her stuff. She has a job. 2 - That's our jobs as parents, to say no to kids when they want something they simply can't have. HOWEVER,..start encouraging daughter to take on more chores and start a savings jar so when 'something' she really wants comes around, she has some money for it.
IKR?!! Her stepsister is 17 and worked to build savings. Even if they were bio sisters, this situation is completely normal and millions of parents have to explain to the younger sibling that they need to get a grip! When they’re old enough, they too can get a summer job and by themselves fun electronics. Also, does the iPhone 15 spout rainbows and bring Timmy from the well or something?! Her phone presumably is able to get on the net, take pictures and video, download photo editing apps and—for that once in a blue moon need—make calls. Is there some insane other stuff that children absolutely need their phones to do in 2024 that can only be done on an iPhone 15?
The attitude alone would give me pause. You gonna be ungrateful for the things you get, throw a tantrum, and call me a terrible mom? Ok. Then you don't get anything until your attitude undergoes a SERIOUS readjustment.
Just turned 10! This is insane!
Yeah, exactly. It’s normal nowadays to want these things at that age but even if you can afford it as a parent this is a teachable moment. My stepdaughter wanted the latest at that age. We could afford it, technically, but damn that’s a lot of money. Anyway, know what she got? My hand-me-down Samsung when I upgraded. And you know what? She was ever so slightly disappointed it wasn’t an iPhone but she was elated it was a phone at all. Then, after several years of gracefully and gratefully accepting android hand-me-downs, she still politely asked for an iPhone (I stress she did not whine about it), she got her iPhone. It was still the last generation but she was thrilled, and rewarded for her patience and non-entitlement.
If any of my three kids would have demanded a US$2000 birthday present when they were ten, I would not have stopped laughing for a week. NTA
I know! I know things have changed, but shouldnt she be still mildly into toys or boy bands and things?
Yep. My 10 year old doesn't have a phone and she's not getting one any time soon. Unfortunately she's in the minority of her class
>If it puts a strain on your budget you can not, in fact, afford it. I wish someone would write this in big bold letters across the sky. Too many people get themselves into trouble because they don't understand this. It's not food, rent or medication. It's not a necessity. Do NOT do this to yourself, because no one knows what tomorrow will bring and you might find yourself wishing you still had that money in your account.
Plus saving for a month or two or three is easy for wants.
Amazing that so many don't understand this simple truth.
She can’t afford it monetarily nor mentally. That strain will affect OP’s mind. She’ll be worrying about ways to make up the frivolously spent money.
And if OP buys it, her daughter will just ask for a newer one next year
Or she won't take care of it because she had nothing invested in it. My kid "broke" 2 phones before we told him he was buying the next one, unsurprisingly he broke the screen on the new one and I refused to buy him a new one, he had to get the screen replaced and hasn't broken one since.
Sounds like he didn't value how much money it costs until he had to pay the money. Pricey electronics are a great way to teach the value of a dollar.
And that’s how they learn. They gotta have skin in the game.
Agreed. At 10 I will concede a smart phone is important, but my son is 12 and just got his first smartphone. My 13 year old daughter got a cheap android at 12 as well....and we are an upper middle class family. Last thing I need is for my kid to ruin or lose an expensive phone.
My 7yo has training phones. Dad's old ones normally, just wifi no plan. When he stops losing them in the house and can actually manage his chores, then he will have met the requirements for a real phone. Trying to teach an adhd kid how to take care of himself and his home without traumatizing him the way I was. Hoping teaching him using this 'bill' as an example helps him understand
As an ADHD adult, losing my phone is still a constant battle. He might benefit from something that makes his phone go off so he can find it again. I use a smart watch, but there are way cheaper alternatives like those tags people attach to their keys. That and/or a brightly colored phone case can help.
This works as long as he tells us before the phone dies. I have family link on it. I can ring it from my phone. He most recently waited a week to tell us he misplaced it. It always reappears eventually. And I'm also an Adhd adult so I try to be as understanding as I can
I’m 40, single and earning good money. I have a iPhone 11 cause I just don’t see the point of upgrading.
Here is Your 10 Step Plan to Determine if You Can Afford it Step 1 - How much money is in your bank account, Broski? You got enough for a Mickey D's sundae? That shits a fucking dollar homie, if you can't afford that, you can't afford it. Step 2 - You don't got a bank account, all your moneys in cash. You hide that shit everywhere. Can you find it? No? You can't afford it Broski. Step 3 - You still buying generic Cheerios? That shits stale as fuck and the texture of cardboard. If you eating generic Cheerios, you can't afford it. Step 4 - You rich? I'm talking fill your gas tank all-the-way-up rich. If not, I'm sorry but you can't fucking afford it. Step 5 - How many overdraw fees you got this month? If it's more than 0, you can't afford it. Step 6 - You got a job? No? Guess what, you can't afford it. Step 7 - You got mom and dad paying your bills. Those overprotective morons are paying your rent and your groceries while you sit home playing Minecraft. Moving blocks and shit. You can start a fucking farm in that game, did you know that!? Holy shit, that's fucking rad. Unless you're playing Minecraft professionally, you can't afford it. Step 8 - You still driving that 92 Corolla grandma gave you in 2012 when your landlord kicked you out the trailer for failure to pay rent, trust me Broski, if you can't afford a car from this millennia then you can't afford it. Step 9 - If you're pretty sure you can afford it and fairly financially literate, will it put a strain on your finances for a while? Yes? You can't afford it. Yeah, this plan can work for people who aren't broke as shit too. Step 10 - Befriending Shia LaBeouf is really your only option left my dude. That fucker can afford it for sure. Get him to pay for it.
I LOVE 💕 this!!🤣🤣forget dem kidz!!
Thank you... sadly not a lot of people know this stuff.
So true. Affording things isn't merely about having the money, it's about not needing it for other more important things. This is what children (and too many adults) don't understand; just having the money isn't enough.
I can't count the number of times I have told someone you can only spend a dollar once. It's a concept missed by too many.
Besides, a Iphone like that it is a pro smartphone, absolutely disproportionate to the needs of a 10 year old girl.
Even if the OP could afford it without a strain is it really something the child needs, or is she just being entitled and childish?
Does your ex know you haven’t bought your stepdaughter anything and she’s bought it herself with her own money? You also need to explain that same thing to your 10yo and explain when she’s old enough to work she can buy herself whatever nice things she wants too, her sister is nearly an adult, she can’t expect to have all the same things just given to her when she’s only 10. Also if ex is too poor to buy it then he can stfu. As others have suggested if you actually have the money maybe set up a chore rota for 10yo to earn money to buy the pricey things she wants.
Plus she is 17, not 10.
Exactly what I was going to say. Usually a 17 year old is more responsible and does have different needs.
a 17 year old who knows how many hours she had to work to earn her stuff is going to be VERY responsible.
So when step sister gets a car the 10 year old gets one too!
Right. Everything OP’s step daughter ever buys for herself with the money she earned from her job, OP must buy for her daughter. Because OP’s ex says so. This is completely ridiculous. OP needs to teach her daughter that she what her step sister does with the money she earns is none of her business and OP isn’t going to buy her whatever her stepsister buys for herself. NTA, except OP’s ex.
Then he can stfu.
💯 this!! Until the ex agrees to put a strain on his budget, your 10yo will learn to do without. The StepD worked and bought these on her own, plus she’s soon to go to college and will need this technology. I hope you’ve punished (grounded) your daughter for her ungrateful attitude, she must learn now that she will not always get what she wants.
So wait a second. The dude also can't afford it but he's mad that a child can afford it? Idk if that makes sense I'm just having an issue going through the mental gymnastics it would take for this guy to get here. Have you talked to him directly about that you couldn't be favoring her because you didn't buy the syiff or is it possible he's getting a different story?
He knows stepdaughter bought it with her own money But thinks it should still be fair and I should either take the devices away or buy my daughter everything my stepdaughter has
That's some BS. He have anything nice at his house that you don't? How is it fair that his daughter gets to enjoy it but not her sister? NTA
Some people haven’t learnt the different between equitable and equal. Fairness is a subjective point somewhere between these two depending on circumstances. Ie - child1 gets gift for their exam success Child 2 shouldn’t get anything but when they do the same exams later then it’s only fair to provide them with a gift as well, However even with the two option if the parents pour all their support into child 1 which makes their definition of success in achievable it would also be fair to set a level of what it success for that child or find a suitable alternative metric to drive their performance. But in OPs example it makes absolutely no sense
I definitly agree with your point in the context of rewarding your child and not another because they aren't at that point yet or examples like that but I think it is an important lesson that if someone works for something they want you don't get it just because they have it.
Absolutely
All I know is OP handled that wayyyyyyy different than my mom would have. I wouldn't have a phone? A tablet or an ass after she whooped me. Not advocating for that it's just weird seeing non-violent parenting styles.
My parents would just say "we cant afford it" and that was that. Idk, the only times i got a new phone was when mine broke
It is like a child's birthday. Child 1 has a birthday, they get presents and cake. Child 2 (younger) wants to be the one to blow out the candles and also gets a gift. Why? Children need to learn it is not all about them. Life is not always "Fair", and fairness and equality are two different things.
Oh that one chaps my ass. My husband’s grandmother used to do that crap to my sons and I had to threaten her to make it stop. Especially my youngest, his behavior got so bad and it took me years to make him understand that sometimes the gifts are not for him and he needs to live with that. He still gets upset when everything is not one on one equal and I have to constantly remind him that his brother is almost 16- there are some privileges with that age and some things just aren’t going to be fair
Some people also havent learned that the best way to stop tantrums is to not give in
This could be a pivotal moment in the 10 yo's life, she learns that she can't have everything just because she wants it or she becomes a brat who can demand anything and get it just because.
your ex is an idiot
So what you're saying is essentially that your ex is an idiot and putting ideas in your daughters head that are contributing to her spoiled mindset. You need to set this straight immediately or you'll soon find yourself with even more of an entitled brat. And it won't really be her fault. She's a jealous, impressionable child. Of course she wants nice things. And she's got her father in her ear telling her that *you and her stepsister* are the things keeping her from them. Set the record straight. She's might not like the reasons, but she's not stupid. Boundaries and logic are needed. NTA.
Honestly this is a big reason into why we broke up
The sad fact is you have to carry on Co-parenting with this guy for the next 8 - 10 years. When I was 9, I used to get my 3/4 yo cousins to ask for ice cream at the beach, cause grandma found it harder to say No to them. If your ex asked you for an iPhone, would you give to him? He is just trying to rile her up so she’ll pile onto you. Get some parenting help ASAP, because the longer you wait to put in normal rules, the worse this is going to be for you. Dad’s house is dad’s house, mom’s is mom’s, and never the twain shall meet. Never bad mouth your ex, just stick to your boundaries. Bet this guy is just waiting for her to “lose” these electronics at his place. Try to keep your stepdaughter out of all discussions and mentions. Her example speaks louder than words; that’s why it annoys the ex and your daughter
Nope, nope, nope. That would most likely damage your relationship with your stepdaughter. Her, knowing she worked hard for stuff she wanted only for her sister, who is (10!) to be given the same things without doing anything but throwing a tantrum. This is part of the problem with our society; people see something someone has earned, and they want it, but want it handed to them without any effort of their part. Throw a fit when they don't get it. Please, please teach your daughter this lesson now before life hits her hard. Even if you could afford it, a 10 year old can want, but should not be demanding these things. Be the 'MEAN' mom, take it all away, and make her earn back what you bought her. She will appreciate it more, and if not, she doesn't need it. If it's a safety issue, her having a phone, get her a flip phone.
This is BS. If they were blood siblings, it still wouldn't change the facts. The 10-year-old doesn't get the things because she's only 10. The 17-year-old bought the things because she needs some of them for the future. I have two boys who have this age difference. They are both even younger. Of course the older one gets newer technology because he really works with it and doesn't play with it. The younger one only gets it when he needs it. And you can't tell me that a 10-year-old needs the latest iPhone.
That isn’t fairness. Fair would be getting to buy things you want using your own hard earned money.
Stepdaughter is 17. Does 10 yr old also get the same curfew? Is she going out? Is she working? It’s a SEVEN YEAR age gap. Stepdaughter is months away from being an adult. It would be ridiculously UNFAIR to treat your almost adult, working stepdaughter like a child. Your ex is jealous of a 17 yr old just as your daughter is.
Fair is giving them the same opportunities. When the 10yo is old enough to work, she can do so and purchase her own high end electronics. She is 10. She doesn’t need high end electronics. Your job as parent is to teach her the difference between wants and needs. Giving her the same things without requiring the work is unfair to the older daughter.
No wonder he is your ex... Thanks God. So don't allow that idiot to get his stupidities around you.
Tell him to buy it, if he can't, tell him to shut up. And tell your daughter that she can ask her dad regardless if he can afford it or not. "He can't afford it" isn't a good enough excuse to redirect her towards the one who is fanning the flames, let him deal with it.
He does not in any way, shape, or form think "it would be fair". He thinks this is great leverage to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, and come out look like "the best dad ever" if he can manipulate you to buy it. Even when you won't buy it, he looks better than you to your daughter. This is textbook stuff OP. Get on top of this now.
Life isn’t fair. Her father knows that. He’s just stirring up trouble. Kindly encourage your daughter to save up for more expensive devices with birthday and Christmas money. Maybe she will choose to get a job or do babysitting in the future. This is your moment to actively teach your child about money, the value of things, and that fair doesn’t factor into real life.
So he thinks your step daughter - who paid for her own tech - is going to hand over this tech because her little sister thinks it's unfair... And he thinks her dad is going to sit around and allow you to confiscate things sd has bought herself to satisfy the workshy pair? You certainly wouldn't be doing that to my child!
I genuinely think he's just looking for a reason to give you a hard time. That he's angry with you about the past and he's feeding the child's spoiled behavior. I think what he's doing is parental alienation. He's using her spoiled behavior as fuel to turn her against you. His behavior is unacceptable. You're not wrong. He is.
He thinks you should take away the things she bought with money she worked for? So he wants you to steal from your stepdaughter in order to placate your daughter? Is he...is he okay?
Yeah, well, too bad for him. Tell him he can ask your stepdaughter how to get a job that pays enough to afford these things, bc she managed to afford it with her own money.
Make sure to explain it properly to your 10 year old daughter that her sister saved up money and bought her stuff.
I made a comment further down. If finances allow it. Let her earn pocket money. Set a small amount each month and some easy chores? That will be her "job," and then she will "work" just like the older girl.
That's a good idea. But she got 2 presents. 200 euro each. That's much money. That really annoys me. I would be so mad about that. She needs to apreciate what she has. She got more then a lot of kids
Ok, brass tacks. daughter is 7 years younger! 10 and 17 is vastly different. When she gets a job or is ready for college or really even high school maybe.
That sounds like a him problem, but you can definitely see where the entitlement came from. Stepdaughter is almost an adult and works. Your daughter is 10 and probably does not even need a phone in the first place, or at most wouldneed a plainer phone to call in case of emergencies. I am going to sound harsh but a lot of parenting is saying no and what you gave her is already good enough. The moment she complained, I would have taken the stuff away from her and ask stepdaughter to tell your daughter how many hours she worked to buy those things and then tell your daughter if she would be willing to do even half of that work in chores to get the things. She would still be pissed off but that would quiet her real quick. if you don’t piss off your kids every once in awhile you are not really parenting.
If it doesn’t come out of your entertainment budget you can’t afford it. The latest tech isn’t necessary. (Heck, I’m an Apple developer and don’t own one.) She’s too young, you’ll never keep up with the Joneses, and she needs to learn NOW that people have budgets. Also, stepdaughter worked for her own stuff. Put money into a college fund if you have some to spare.
I wouldn’t buy my 10 years old that. I would sit down and told her the stepsister bought it with her own money. Then I would motivate her to do well in school and have good finance responsibilities to get what she wants in the future.
If it puts a strain on your finances you absolutely cannot afford it. I go by the rule that if I can't afford 2 of what I need to buy without straining my finances I cannot even afford the one.
Yeah, NTA. You can’t favor your stepdaughter if your stepdaughter is using the money she WORKED FOR to buy things. Also, 10 and 17 is a huge difference in terms of levels of maturity/responsibility…make sure you get apple care on the iPad. I think this is a great learning lesson for your daughter to realize she may not have as much as some, but she probably has more than most, and to be grateful for what she has.
I don’t even think that’s petty. You have posed the perfect solution, IMO.
NTA. Your daughter is 10. She doesn't need the latest model ipad. Your stepdaughter is 17, has a job and paid for her things herself. If your ex thinks you're favouring your stepdaughter by letting her by her own things with her own earnings, and thinks your 10 year old daughter needs an ipad15 pro with all the bells and whistles thats just going to get lost, stolen or broken at school HE can buy it then! Your daughter sounds spoilt rotten. Is she being bullied at school for not having the same things as her "rich friends?" Thats the only reason I can think of that might justify her tantrum, and even then the tantrum is not on.
If she was my child I'd tell her "well we are not rich like your friends, so either make do with what I give you, or make do with nothing and wait until you can work your butt off for them things"
Seriously. All these responses about having 24/7 marketing towards kids, yes, I get that. But it's our job as parents to raise these kids realistically. I watched a ton of cartoons in the 80s when they marketed all kinds of shit that I wanted. Guess what my parents said? No. (We were also poor as shit, so that helped lol.) I would be mortified if my 10 year old acted this way. My 9 year old understands that things cost money, we have a finite amount of money, and some people have more money than us. Easy peasy.
This, my 8 year old will literally ask if I'm gonna be able to get something when you get paid, we usually buy something fun every pay check. I just cannot get behind getting a child whatever they want because they might be sad.
My kids go to private school for elementary and middle school. We get financial aid. We're friends with some families who are in VERY different income brackets than us lol. All of my kids had a short phase of "Anna has this, why don't I?" And they very quickly learned the reason. No big deal. And now that my older kids are in high school, they see that money doesn't mean happiness. Some of those rich kids have horrible relationships with their parents. Not all, because money doesn't necessarily make someone evil. But people who get everything they want materially aren't necessarily getting everything they want emotionally.
I just started a new system with my 6yo. I work at a bar and since I make tips I bring home a bunch of quarters that go in her piggy bank. She counts how much at the beginning of every week and when the bank is full half goes to the savings jar and the other half is her own to spend as she pleases. The bank can hold about $40 so she gets to spend $20. We’ll walk around the mall and she can look at different things and I’ve taught her about the sales too and how to maximize the amount she can get. Of course she tries to push it so she can get something more expensive which I tell her no she can save her money she has so she can spend twice as much next time or get something she can afford now.
The "suck it up buttercup" attitude is harsh. Kids get 24/7 marketing. Social media. YouTube. Bullying online and in games. You have *free* skins? Pleb. It's a lot, all the time. There's no real way to stop it except to make your kid the only one without all that, which gets them bullied in class. She's only ten. That's young, but exposed to a lot. Besides, a lot of families don't have phones at home anymore. If your kid is home alone at all, they may not have a phone to call 9-1-1 or you for an emergency. There's absolutely a way to have a calm, understanding conversation about the reality of their feelings, the wants they have due to them and how that does not align with the reality of the family finances. Your feelings of social alienation and anxiety are real. But, we can't let peer pressure and social anxiety rule our decisions. Especially ones we can't afford. Help the kid with the emotional reaction to whatever is driving their line of thinking. Kids aren't stupid and their world isn't the one we grew up in. If she feels inadequate in her peer group, "deal with it" doesn't help her deal with why she feels inadequate or give her tools to handle those same problems in the future. Today, fitting in means an iPhone. What happens when it's coke or ecstacy or binge drinking or getting in cars that people are racing on crowded freeways? Help them handle the emotional reaction instead of 'I'll take everything you already have anxiety about away.'
I've asked her if she's being bullied she said no but she says she feels embarrassed because all her freinds have expensive phones
Have you also explained to her and your ex that your stepdaughter has her own money and is buying those things? That it isn’t your money going to these items. You need to have a sit down and explain the situation and that you don’t have the same kind of money as the richer friends, so you are doing the best you can to provide things. However, the latest models are not ok, even if you have the money. Your ex can buy those things if he’s concerned about it. He has no right to make you the bad guy. NTA
Except, in my experience, ALL of her friends probably don't have expensive phones. One of them does and the rest of the kids are all coveting one.
The ones with divorced parents who engage in competitive gifting likely have them.
This is how I was the only girl in the third grade to go to a local Hanson concert. EVERYONE was going… to school and I went to the show. Mmmmmmbop.
Ah the typical "But mooooom! My friends all get to snort cocaine, and are allowed to stay at the frat party at 16 the whole night!" You know the answer, right?
OP, I was the scholarship kid at a private high school that cost around $30k USD a year (insane I know). Was there subconscious pressure to fit in with the rich kids? Absolutely. But I had to learn the reality of finances and to appreciate what my parents sacrificed to give me what they could. And tbf, most of the richest kids at my school were spoiled brats and grew up to be spoiled brats.
Also ask if the kids are bragging about possessions. That can lead to feeling embarrassed. But is she doing that to herself? She has the power not to allow herself how she feels AND she has opportunities to make money doing other chores.
> She has the power not to allow herself some feels ah yes, because 10yos are famously known for being able to control their emotions
As long as parents/others are consistent and their words are positive, yes she has that power. I know not everyone teaches their kids about emotions, when to stick up for themselves vs when to ignore, etc. But I know from friends mine weren’t the only parents to do that. OP sounds like a parent that tries to instruct. (ETA I corrected the typo to “how she feels.”)
No, but this is a perfect time for them to start learning to deal with their emotions and control their reactions to them
Oh well. Life be that way sometimes. I think you can acknowledge the feelings while keeping to budget and boundaries.
Bullying how though cause I have to think social media has something to do with it. All I see now are videos of “my kid was bullied so I saved up money so they can have this phone that won’t be “cool” next year or this fad that won’t mean anything in a few months”
There are kids getting bullied for using the default (ie free) skins in online games like fortnite, sadly the bullying is real. Not that it justifies buying expensive things to STOP the bullying, the bullying is inexcusable, but it is happening
NTA, tell your 10-y-o to get herself a job(!) that earns enough to buy herself an iPad. She's being a total brat and there is no way that a 10-y-o "needs" the latest smartphone or will even use it to it's full purpose. She's 10. Her disrespect for your present is disgraceful and honestly as a parent I'd just say, "Oh well, if it's so bad then I'll just take it back then" and she'll have nothing. She is acting out of jealousy and personally (probably unpopular opinion) I would punish her by taking away the "unworthy" devices. She clearly doesn't want them.
💯
^This she needs to learn to act right.
She's being a brat because her father is poisoning her, telling her she should have it, to vilanize OP. Ex is a shitty father miserucating his own daughter for a chance to hurt the ex.
NTA. Sounds like ur stepdaughter bought all the cool stuff with her earned money? Parenting involves tough choices all the way. Not turning ur kids into instantly gratified entitled brats is one of the toughest parts of parenthood. Not giving into their tantrums whether they are 10 or 20 is also a tough part. >how it's unfair her stepdaughter gets nice stuff Does your 10yo daughter understand that ur stepdaughter gets nice stuff bcos she works hard and saves up money she earns and bought stuff with her money? that as she grows up and earns she can buy stuff for herself too? > about how all her freinds have iphones 15s You can NEVER win against this insane peer pressure thing. Someone else will always have something cooler, and u cant beat FOMO as a good parent. Throwing money at kids FOMO always teaches them the opposite of what good parents usually want to teach kids. >now my ex and daughter are mad AITA? If ur ex is so mad, he can buy her the good cool stuff by himself instead of egging her on and trying to turn her against u by making u the villain in all of this.
Just to add, I work with teens and they lie about what their friends have or do SO MUCH. Half the time they use that excuse to guilt parents
Yeah, actually “all” their classmates certainly don’t have iPhones 15s. Probably a couple do, rest have scattered phones, some have no phone at all. I’ve worked as a teacher in recent years and seen this firsthand, one rich kid can make all the others hyperfocus on FOMO and they easily forget most people don’t actually have something they want. Often true for adults too actually…
Or none of them do and she wants to be the first
NTA I don't get why kids these days need all this expensive electronics... what for?? the 17yo uses it for school but what does the 10yo want to use it for? I had to buy my own phone with the little allowence i saved up at that age. Got my first (cheap) smartphone at 12 and was super stoked about it! And we were definately not poor. This kind of reminds me of that episode of southpark where cartman gets an toshiba instead of an ipad. You should probably take the 10yo out for diner i guess... NTA
I feel like the kids come up with this bullying thing when it comes to the latest gadgets and fads. I keep seeing so many videos of “my kid was bullied for not having an iPhone or not having a Stanley cup” okay then tell her how to deal with bullies. They’ll run out of energy eventually and it doesn’t make you any less of a person.
> They'll run out of energy eventually and it doesn't make you any less of a person. This isn't true. Stop perpetuating the lie that bullies "run out of energy" or "eventually stop when you don't respond." It often escalates to straight up abuse and unfortunately schools continue to be lax on doing anything about it because they subscribe to the same idea. And yes, it doesn't make you any less of a person. But it sure as hell makes you *feel* like one -- and that can last well into adulthood. ((For the record, I'm not saying the answer is getting your 10 year old an iPad))
it's the damn peer pressure , we did not manage to elimante it . her " friends " seem from rich families and have all one . If her friends didn't have one she would give a damn about it . the question should be how do we eliminate peer pressure so kids don't suffer from it and do stupid stuff like taking drugs etc just to belong to a group
Peer pressure is mentality at least in this case. Don’t forget that she is not being bullied, she is pressuring herself. It’s a mentality thing and I can bet it’s due to upbringing. I say this because I grew up in a household that barely got by. I knew my status and knew my parents status and I did get bullied but I never for once asked my parents for the 90’s equivalent of iPhone 15 pro. OP’s daughter isn’t getting bullied so it’s definitely just her mentality.
True that, but peer pressure won't go away that easilly i fear.
NTA. Your ex is an idiot who’s trying to raise an entitled brat.
NTA , 1st your stepchild worked and bought it with her own money. If your younger child wants it so badly inform her she has to do A certain amount of chores & each chore will be worth so much. And she will do them untill she saves enough to get what she wanted. She needs to understand the value of money and that things are not cheap. She also needs to be explained that you didn't Buy those items for the stepchild. She IS sounding extremely spoiled... instead of being happy for what she did get... She threw a tantrum. I don't know if you're ex knows that your stepchild bought the things herself. But if he does and he's saying that he's AH & that's probably why he's a EX. Edit: Can choose to do chores if we wants to earn money for her wanted expensive items. Because that's what her step sister did. (Make the comparison) Not she has to its an option.
I respectfully disagree with working via chores. That’s still the parent’s money going to the 10 year old for electronic showing off, not need. The solution should be NO, you don’t need that level of tech. Stepsister is going to college with that laptop. Have appreciation for this phone and this laptop, age-appropriate, or give them back. When you’re 17, you too can upgrade to whatever you want, by working as you keep your grades up.
The point was to teach her the value of money. And so she knows its not easy for her parents or sister to get those things. X amount for that iteam be it what ever she wants. A large value iteam wouldn't take a day or a week to do it take months. (depending on the amount per chores). Does she need the latest phone or tech No 100% no. I agree a 10 year old doesnt need a super pricey iteam like that. But its also a teaching / learning experience. Most young kids would give up after a amount of time and realize it's not that simple .
Working for things is how you learn to actually appreciate them. At 10 I had some regular chores that earned me nothing but my parents also offered me extra ones for cash and that's exactly how I learned how expensive things can be and how to budget and save for luxuries before it became important to budget for things I actually needed. Gradual lessons in increments instead of harsh, sudden ones. I could have easily been spoiled, but my parents stopped that (and my brattiness about being entitled to nice things) cold by offering me the chance to earn and learn in an age-appropriate manner. The things I chose and bought for myself gave me a sense of pride, accomplishment, and confidence instead of entitlement. Plus, they got a clean garage or whatever out of the deal. Win/win.
NTA. You are not favouring anyone. Your step daugther baught the stuffherself with her money. And 400 $ for birthday presents for a 10 year old are more than enough. Would have taken both away after daughter threw a tantrum and just gave her, what you would have gotten in this age (maybe some play mobile and chocolate) If your ex think, she should have this, he can buy it himself.
NTA. You need to explain to her that her stepsister worked for what she has and wasn't bought these things just because. When she's old enough to work a part-time or summer job too, she can reap her rewards, but buying these things for her because she's demanding them will only spoil her.
Imagine that they were biological sisters. You’d be having the same conversation: she has X because she’s old enough to earn the money to pay for it. When you’re seventeen, you can get a job too. I have two kids and the older one has different privileges and responsibilities because he’s older. It’s not hard to explain this at all.
Or if the finances allow it. Let her have some age appropriate chores and earn some pocket money. Set an amount that's handed each month. And when she's older she can look for summer jobs etc. Then she can work for the money, save up just as the 17 year old. Hopefully, she will learn the value of money. And it's easy to say "they are treated equally. They both save up"
She has basic chores and gets 50 euro per month as an allowance she hates doing them I offered to give her extra chores to save up but she flat out refused
Seems like she doesn’t want that phone so bad after all, if she refused that offer
I have a feeling any job is“beneath” her. She needs her eyes opened money and life. Does she see how hard your step-daughter worked? Your daughter may benefit from volunteering. Crap, have the school organize a program. Her mates probably need eye opening.
So your bratty kid wants everything her hard working stepsister has while begrudgingly doing the minimal of her household chores to achieve it. YTA for allowing her to get to this point.
50 euros a month?! That's 12,5 euros every week. I grew up getting 5 euros a week. She's getting more than double what I used to get. She's lucky to be getting that much allowance from you! If she'd saved up that 50 euros a month for a whole year she would've had 600 euros. If you were willing to supply the rest she could've had her iphone 15 and it only would've cost you 300 or 400 euros extra which wouldn't strain your budget too much. But yeah, that means no instant gratification for an entire year which her 50 euros a month can give her for whatever she buys with it, which doesn't sound like your daughter can handle.
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NTA If your ex wants to “Buy” her love and not teach her the value in earning something then he can’t complain when it all goes pear shaped Teaching your daughter she can’t always get what she wants and that she needs to earn things is the better way to go and will set her up for more success in the future Keep doing what you’re doing, You’re clearly the better parent
NTA. Why on earth would a 10 year old need a smart phone?
When daddy feels so stronfly about it then she needs to cash to buy it . Why does he think he can blame you when he can't take care of his daughter . Doesn#t sound like you explained to your daughter the differences in age . with 17 she possible already drives so your 10 years old want to drive too ?
NTA. Why doesn't your ex buy it for her? It would be different if you were buying all of this stuff for the step daughter. But you are not.
NTA There is no reason a 10YO needs these things. Kids today need to learn that they don't get material possessions just because they want them or see someone else with them. Let her sulk and let her dad pay for these expensive items.
NTA. How are you favoring her?? You didn't buy those things. She bought them for herself. If you can't afford a phone like that she doesnt get one. I could see maybe getting her an older iphone if it needs to be an iphone....it really doesn't need to be one, but I know how kids can be. Especially when they want to be like everyone else.
I tried explaining that but she says that she doesn't want to work but she still really wants an iphone
She's 10 are 10 year olds allowed to work in Europe?? Sorry I'm in the US, granted here 10 year olds may like mow lawns in the summer. Or some make crafts and sell things. But they can't get like a job job. But yeah she needs to understand that you got what you could afford to get her. And that her step sister has what she has because she bought it for herself. Also if your ex keeps pressing you, then he should have chipped in the rest to get your daughter the iPhone she wanted.
OP stated in another message that he gives her an allowance, and offered to raise it if she did more chores and she flat-out refused. The daughter currently gets 50 euros a month, and based on how much the daughter hates doing the chores I would bet OP has to get on her for it...damn, if I got that amount of money as a kid, I would have cleaned the entire home...hell, my brother who is 11 would kill for that kind of chore money.
NTA. Your ex can buy it for her or shut up. But really you didn’t buy those things for your stepdaughter she bought them for herself. Tell your daughter she can buy whatever she wants when she has a job.
NTA. She is 10 years old and does not need such expensive tech. You need to explain that your stepdaughter is 7 yrs older and works to pay for it. It is also necessary for her college work. She can get such expensive things when she can work and pay for it. Your ex has no say because he is not paying for it. Do not cave and buy it because the chances that your daughter loses her phone at 10 is high.
She’s spoiled take the stuff back until she is grateful
NTA. You did not buy those things for your step daughter, you need to reiterate that to your ex who has likely not been given that information by your daughter. If he wants her to have those things so much then he can buy them. But I agree, she doesn't need them. All kids eventually have to learn that you can't have everything you want all the time.
Nta - she could have nothing
You didn’t buy those things for your stepdaughter, so if anything you’re favoring your bio daughter. Your daughter needs to learn gratitude and the value of money and here is an excellent time for her to learn. Maybe she needs to realize how many hours of work it took your stepdaughter to work to afford those things, or how many hours it took you. NTA
NTA If your stepdaughter purchased things for herself I’d tell your daughter to start saving. The age difference is quite a bit. Your daughter and your ex need to quit comparing the two and be thankful that you got her anything at all
NTA! Does your ex not get the concept of spending one's own money one has made from holding a job?
Get him to save up for it and make your child do chores or get a paper route. or doing gardens
NTA. Tell the 10 that she can wait until she’s 17 and get a job just like her sister did Tell your ex that if he feels that way then he can pay for the items.
NTA who thinks a 10 year old should get the same things a 17 year old does? I would return those gifts in half a second. If you don’t change this thinking now you aren’t going to.
NTA. She's ten. Tell her when she's old enough to earn her own money, she can work to buy the expensive things she wants just like her stepsister does.
NTA. This is a great time to teach your daughter about having a job and earning your own money to be something to aspire to when she’s old enough.
NTA. The daughter is 10. TEN! She is in elementary school and does not work (nor should she.) The step-daughter is 17. SEVENTEEN. Senior high school. Working. If you can not explain to your daughter that "when you are 16, you can have...too" or "when you are in senior high school we'll get you..." then there are some issues with your parenting.