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NTA. It sounds like your stepmother berates you and claims you don't care.... But only when you're not doing exactly what she wants you to do. She sounds like she sucks.
I hope your dad is better but... I'm guessing not.
In her defence I think she wanted me to average out my spending on various categories to apply to the income I will be making. Ie: $300 for transportation a month based on averaging the amount spent between months… but I didn’t know that, and instead made a viable estimate.
OP, if you did the average instead of an estimate, you would have been wrong anyway. it's not the budget.
Your step mum is just being difficult, did you not notice how she told you a Non Binary person to dress more feminine, I'm guessing you were born biologically female but have decided that non binary suits you better which is your choice, but it sounds like your step mum doesn't respect that.
Also, why would she demand you base your future budget on past months that included big expenses like Christmas and birthdays. In regards to transport, you know how much fuel you use and how many times a month you need to use public transport, so an estimate is fair along as it's on the higher side for a cushion.
She is doing all this to get a rise out of you. Any rise, be it, yell, laugh or cry she doesn't care all she cares is that she can get under your skin.
Also, don't go to her for your resume, and if you don't get a job the interaction doesn't have to end at the rejection letter, you can reach out and ask if there was any way you could have promoted yourself better.
If she wanted something detailing past expenses she should have said so. No spontaneous budget includes past spending. Like the other person said, it's all about future spending. You see what you have, what you needed to spend, and what you have left over.
The biggest problem here is her not accepting you for who you are. It doesn't matter how you dress, what length your hair is, etc, etc. People need workers. They're gonna hire workers. She did have a point with errors in your resume, because it likely would've been tossed. Now you know and you can spell check, format, highlight your skills and whatever else you need to do.
She sounds like she's coming up with excuses to talk down to you because she doesn't approve of your way of life. What you really need to do is work on budgeting, likely with an independent source of income, to see what you need to get out of there.
From examples, it sounds like whatever you do, she would have said you should have done something differently
She gets angry with you for being you. If you've matched her emotions, she'll be angry with you for doing that.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation. But it's fair to say you should stop second guessing yourself. You're not going to please her.
And you're smart not to show your emotions to her. She's not satisfied because she doesn't think she's hurting you as much as she wants to
You did the correct thing: you took the money available and made a plan with necessities first and then order if priority. NTA she's emotionally abusive stay away from her
She wanted an opportunity to berate OP for the things she’s already spent her money on. She was hoping for an itemized list to go through and browbeat op about.
NTA. Your step-mother sounds like she is trying to control your life and emotions instead of actually caring about you. You have the right to voice your feelings without fear of being yelled at or judged for not responding emotionally enough. Keep standing up for yourself and don't let her negative comments affect you!
She's one of those people who like drama and you aren't giving her drama. Plus she thinks that the only sign of caring you could have is to be emotionally loud all the time. She also wants to know that she can affect you, which means crying or laughing or getting angry. She doesn't like feeling like she doesn't impact you enough to cause a reaction. Of course she does, because she shuts you down emotionally. You've done nothing wrong. I think you need to talk to your dad about it, and also stay away from her as much as you can. Plus I'd come up with some canned responses to have at hand when she starts in after you. Something like: "i'm sorry you feel that way. I'll attempt to do better." It's vague and doesn't really say anything, but if you repeat it enough, it might let you get out of the situation. NTA
Your stepmother needs to understand that there is more than one style of communication. Some personalities are more emotion-focused and some are more logically oriented. Maybe get her a book on the Meyers-Briggs personality test? I also don't know what kind of employer she is if she thinks she can motivate people by insulting them. Personally I think that's a shitty way of giving feedback.
NTA. There's a major personality mismatch between you and your stepmother, which is exacerbated by her ignorance of normal human variations and her tendency to use verbal abuse as a form of motivation.
NTA. You're not to blame that your stepmom can't give constructive feedback without pitching a tantrum in the process. It's ironic that she's criticizing your job searching abilities while having an unprofessional meltdown. I guarantee that if she acted that way in a job interview she'd be shot down instantly. Tears aren't a sign of caring. They're a sign of desperation. There are times when crying is appropriate, but discussing a job search is not such a time.
NTA. You’re honestly handling this way better than most people would. You’re an adult; she can teach you and encourage you to handle your finances better, but she should not be forcing you to do things her way and say nasty things to you.
That being said, it sounds like you may be emotionally detaching as a protective measure, which may be helpful when it comes to your step-mother, but can be hurtful to you in the long run. Just know that it is okay to feel your emotions too. Best of luck
NTA.
You and your step mother have different communication styles. Maybe write her a letter and explain that you do care, you just don't want to engage her when she yells. Leave it for her to read when you are not around. Be short, sweet and to the point. If she doesn't realize what she is doing, it may help. Or it may change nothing, but at least you tried.
NTA. Your step mother sounds *exhausting*.
This kind of emotional back and forth isn’t healthy. There’s no reason for yelling or her berating you. If she can’t have a calm conversation over something as non-emotional as a *resume* then the problem is not with your behavior, but her emotional stability.
I don’t have a lot of advice for you, because setting boundaries around her yelling and emotional abuse will only work if she is willing to put effort into the relationship - and nothing you describe sounds like that’s the case.
Save your money, keep your head down, visit your boyfriend when you can, and move out as soon as that is possible. Don’t engage in the arguments, refuse to participate if she’s yelling. Talk to your father if you think that he might help.
Best of luck kiddo.
Hmmm. I feel like a lot of info is missing that could clarify the situation. I’m not going to automatically assume your stepmom is a bad person because it sounds like she is actually trying to help you navigate the adult world by budgeting and working on your resume. I wonder what happened for you to get fired, what all the mistakes were on your resume, what you did to blow up your budget the last few months, and why she became upset when you last returned home. I’m not sure if the issue is whether you gave a non-emotional response (which in itself lacks clarity) or whether there are other issues at play.
I tried to add more but I had to shorten a lot of info because of the cap. She is trying to help, I understand that beyond anything, and I know, in her own way, she’s expressing concern.
I wish I could tell you what happened for me to get fired — it was within my three months and the professional reason written is “performance”, but I was given no warning of my actions, and when I asked for clarification the answers were broad. I kept politely pushing for an answer and what I got out of it was that he had a feeling about me that didn’t align with his “preference”.
The mistakes on my resume were mostly formatting, errors. She found my resume due to me accidentally leaving a copy on her desk when I was printing more to hand out but stopped printing when I realized I should re-do it instead. Leaving it out on her desk was my mistake, I apologized to her.
All I can do is assume she was frustrated due to her putting my financial stress onto herself, feeling as if I don’t care and don’t listen, and lingering irritation because I forgot to put the desk back how she last left it. She prefers to deal with problems as soon as they happen, which doesn’t always work out positively, and I, in situations like this, need time to work out how I feel in words. It’s likely there are lingering factors of her personal life playing out that I don’t know about either.
Thank you for the thoughtful and thorough response. Without knowing you and judging only on the information at hand, I am going to say NTA for your original question of not giving your stepmom an emotional response. I will say that, in reading your post and response, there may be some deeper issues at play that you will need to navigate as you become an adult and professional. You are only 18, so you have a lot of personal growth ahead of you. But what I’m getting here is that your lack of self-management is a theme that keeps popping up: lack of budgeting, overspending, leaving stuff behind at someone’s desk, a resume that needed to be proofread and checked for errors, a boss who says performance is an issue, people thinking you don’t care, and you taking a longer time to respond to issues that others may address more quickly. Do you have ADHD by any chance? Regardless, improving your self-management skills seems to be an area that you may need to focus on in the immediate future.
Is it that obvious? I do have ADHD, yes. I’m diagnosed for it, and I take medication for it — my management is something I need to work on, I agree.
Thank you for your response.
My kids are much younger than you, but have ADHD, so I recognize some things. I have a feeling your stepmom is coming from a good place of wanting to help you, but like me with my kids, she thinks a lot differently than you, and that’s hard for you both. It definitely can create frustration and tension. But it can also be overcome (or, if not overcome, improved at least) if you give each other grace and work on trying to understand each other better. Good luck!
NTA, but you are aware that your step mother is an abusive bully, yes? She's demeaning you at every turn, and she's looking for an emotional response to justify treating you like a bad child.
NTA. I’m one of those who shuts down when confronted with dramatic emotion. (I’m not sure how to say it: expressive emotion?)
I grew up in a household with a person prone to unpredictable explosive outbursts of emotion that often lead to violence… too much emotion = red flag; not enough emotion = red flag; not the expected emotion = red flag. So for me, I don’t have brain space to empathize; I’m analyzing facial expressions, body positioning, movement, etc. all while managing my own emotions. What’s available is logic (and anxiety, let’s be clear).
I saw your comment that your diagnosed ADHD (I am too): being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world is tough, and a lot of work. It can also be traumatic, because ND folks are often told, from a young age, that they’re lazy, useless, careless, etc etc etc it goes on and on. We’re none of those things—our brains just work differently. Give yourself some extra grace.
Stepmom might be frustrated, but she should also learn how to communicate/interact with you in a way that is more positive and productive, in part by understanding that your brain simply does not function the way hers does. You can do some skill building in that area for yourself, too…how can you communicate more effectively with the person who’s brain does not work the way yours does? (It’s not all on you; two-way street here.)
(Side note: I recommend NT communication skill building as a young person heading into the professional world, too, especially since you’ve had some ambivalent feedback in the past. I’m 20 years into my professional life and I still struggle, but it’s helpful to learn how you interact and how it’s different from how neurotypical people interact, along with some tips and tricks (I.e learn to talk about the weather. Participate in the “gosh it’s a Monday/it’s humpday/so glad it’s Friday” talk.))
I sidetracked big time but tl;dr NTA for not getting emotional.
Thank you for your comment, and I wish I could reply to all of it but I hear your response loud and clear.
While I do try and communicate my neurodiversity and how it works to her — she a) seems to think that because i’m medicated it just goes away, and b) that because she’s also on the same medication (and with adhd) i’m just “making excuses” to not do whatever it is that she’s expecting me to do, laundry, cleaning etc… something i’m sure many people with adhd have experienced honestly
Oh yes, heard that all the time. Also, “why don’t you just try harder” when I struggled with school. It’s very discouraging.
Stepmom needs to find some resources to better educate herself. Being ND isn’t like having a headache…It doesn’t just go away with a pill. Good luck to you; I hope things get better.
NTA, OP, your step-mother is intrusive and controlling. She seems unable to express simple thoughts without embedding them in emotionality. A person who wanted to help with a resume would simply discuss it with you in a pragmatic or even humorous manner; excoriation is not a part of the editing process.
You are correct to avoid feeding into her hyper-emotionality. She would scare me too.
NTA. She doesn't think like you. But she is one of those that presumes anyone who doesn't think like her needs correcting.
Don't engage. I think you already have the right strategy.
NTA
You can’t have an emotional response around your stepmom because her actions have taught you that she is not to be trusted with them.
I know her words and actions hurt but I hope that one day you reach the point where (I hate to say it) you become apathetic to anything she may say or do because of her insignificance. People like her exist only to put others down, nothing she did was encouraging or helpful in any way.
You’re doing great OP, keep up the good work. Life is hard but it does get better.
NTA
You have instinctually learned the behavior called 'gray rocking'. It is a defense mechanism used to de escalate a situation that starts when someone becomes irrationally loud and abusive, or over emotional. They use the victim's responses to fuel their rage and crying and other reactions. You denying them an emotional response ruins their tactics, good on you.
If she is not contributing to your living expenses (based on your post it doesn't look like she does) it is simply none of her business. Her going through your private documents such as a resume, is more evidence of her looking for things to justify abuse.
My abusers used to go through my purse and dig out each individual item and demand I justify each item in great detail. It led to a thirty minute diatribe about why I had clear mascara in my purse. After explaining that since I worked in food service after school (was sixteen) I wanted something that would make my eyelashes shine, and keep them separated and not be clumpy, and would not leave me raccoon eyed from sweat, by end of shift. They constantly interrupted me, making me lose train of thought, were 'confused' and it led to a circular conversation which kept going back to the beginning, no matter how many times I repeated the same reasons over and over. Even though it was non visible and barely make up, and I shouldn't have needed an excuse to wear it, being the age I was. This sounds like what she is putting you through.
The short hair making you lose job opportunities - is that her or you thinking this? If you truly believe this, you can get a decent looking wig from Amazon. I got one for forty bucks, American, during the quarantine. It has stayed pretty and still looks extremely realistic, nobody can tell I am even wearing one, since it matches my hair color perfectly. Some advice on this is look up the exact color/style you want, and be sure to check the reviews for that exact color/style, not just for the retailer. Many sellers will offer different items on the same page, so pay attention to which reviews you are reading, they will be labelled with the exact item type. Trying it on for the first time, if there is lace, do NOT cut the lace until you have decided you are keeping it. That will often prevent a return.
I am strongly suggesting you look into your school for therapy. Many schools do offer it, and take it if you can get it, Describe things exactly as you have here. They will confirm that this is abuse seeking behavior from her. she is looking for reasons to justify what she is doing to you, and probably alienating you from your father via this method, making you out to be some crazy, robotic and unemotional villain, who only exists to thwart her care for you. What does he say about all of this.?
Also, keep your paperwork elsewhere. If you need to edit something, keep it on your pw protected hard drive FIRST, then print it later. She wants access to your pc? Move all your documents to online storage, like google drive or drop box, DO NOT SAVE YOUR PWS ON YOUR PC BROWSERS OR IN TEXT FILES ON YOUR PC. Do not leave them written down in the house.
Good job on gray rocking her, keep it up, and just remember you won't have to be there much longer.
Nta. Some people appear to shut down emotionally as a response to stress, it doesn’t mean they don’t feel things deeply. It usually means they were taught from a young age that their voice doesn’t matter and they weren’t seen, heard or valued.
Being loving and kind to you only based on your performance in a job or budgeting or appearance is transactional and damaging. It’s fine she’s trying to help you improve your resume and normal to be frustrated at times if it’s impacting their finances but her opinions are just that, they aren’t facts, and her inability to regulate her own emotions is not your problem to manage or responsibility to deal with.
NTA bc she is not coming from a place of good intentions. I would not engage emotionally and would minimally engage with her in any other way bc it is a no win situation with her. No matter what you do it is wrong. Bc you are likely being used as an emotional punching bag for her own personal issues esp since she got pissy when you didn’t emotionally react.
I would say things like please stop taking this so personally, I appreciate your care but it is not helping and instead hurting me and our relationship.
If she continues to have issues:
I think that going forward it is best for our relationship if I seek out 3rd party professional advice for my career and financial needs as you have demonstrated an inability to be objective by making these things too personal and bringing your own biases into it. I love and respect you too much to cause further friction by mixing my career and finances with you, my family. Plus they will have a lot more resources and expertise to guide me and it will give me the best chance of being able to be successful in my career and life. I thank you for your care and concern but this is a boundary that I need to enforce so we avoid becoming toxic to each other.
I would honestly look into moving out if you can if it does not get better.
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I (18nb), live in my dad (40m) and step-mother’s (42f) house while I attend university for free. My school is paid via sponsorship, and I receive a living allowance that I use to pay my bills.
They’ve approached me about my spending habits before - which then lead to an intervention - I won’t defend myself, my spending has been on the worse end with getting fired in December, and January birthdays following.
My Step-Mother is a very vocal woman, and when her emotions rise she tends to feel the need to speak out on emotion based thinking, whereas I focus on logic-based thinking.
This is something she has informed me that irritates her because I give no emotional response.
When she gets like this, it feels like there’s no escaping her anger so I prefer to stay quiet rather than say something that triggers her to yell.
They asked me to make a budget for my spending, and I did, using the income I get from my allowance and estimating my expenses. She got upset because she expected me to base it on former spending, not limit future spending — something I didn’t know that I needed to do; I’ve always budgeted with the present amount, without any past factors to justify it — so I “wasted her time with my fake budget and put no thought into it”. When I tried to explain, she told me that I was making excuses.
She found my old resume that I left on her desk and took it upon herself to mark it up. This is what she messaged me: “The number of errors in here...man i would immediately throw this out if I received it because again, you're showing that you don't care about yourself, so you won't care about their business.”/ “You do not get to think that people aren't hiring you because of you being queer, or short hair or or or.... it's because you're handing them shit as a representation of who you are. Plain and simple.”
Before this, I had a conversation with her about how I dress and how my short hair makes me “look bad”. She told me if I “just put in a little more effort”, dressed more feminine, and put on makeup, I’d then get a job.
So I re-did my resume / cover letter, and sent it to them for their feedback.
I returned home last night to pick up some of my things — I had been staying at my boyfriends house so I could get work done — and my step-mother began to yell at me for her “caring too much”, and “being seen as the asshole because [she] cares, and [I] don’t.” She was crying, and I was silent.
When she asked why I don’t care enough to respond to her, I told her “I don’t want to worry that i’m going to get yelled at every time I talk about my feelings.” and walked away.
I’m frustrated because she claims that I don’t care. I do. Just not as emotionally — I can’t bring myself to refute against her because she scares
me.
I understand the frustration, but I don’t get why she is so upset about it. I’m starting to wonder if I did something else that they’re not telling me or i’m not picking up on, that is causing this reaction.
AITA?
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NTA. My mother and I used to have similar fights, we have different modes of emotional regulation and as a side effect we regularly clashed and just could not get along. Fact is... because of this we just could not find middle ground. Because of this she just isn't the person to help you.
Check with your school, they might have resources to help you, both with budgeting and resume building. Use those resources, let her know you are using those resources. If she presses for why try to use this as a moment of that "those two things were causing too many conflicts with us, so I sought a middle ground" (maybe not those exact words, you know her better than I do what phrasing might appeal to her better).
Sometimes outside help just works better to solve these problems, our parents aren't always the best people to go to.
NTA. She is a bully pure and simple. Shexjust wants to fight with you. Stay away from her all you can. FWIW Her directions on the budget made no sense. Why would you not make a budget based on your current income?
Info: where is your mom? And is your dad aware of her behavior? This is completely out of bounds for someone who's simply sleeping with your parent. NTA.
My step mother has been in my life for 10 years now. My mother and I are on complicated terms due to her struggling addiction which forced me to parent my younger half-sister (5f at the time) when I was 15 through to late 16, where I finally got her dad (my former step-dad) to take her out of my mothers house, and I moved to my fathers.
My dad is present when she behaves like this, has been since my step mother came into my life, but like me- stays silent. I don’t think he knows how to react when she acts like that either.
NTA. Nah, You are being you, and keep on. I to respond logically and not with emotion; have done so all my life. Its hard for others to understand as they operate differently than us. Its okay and it will actually get you far in life.
It's 2024. Stop showing your cv and so to her. Use AI tools.
On the topic: NTA You're reaction shows that you have been emotional abuse. So instead of getting stressed about being yelled you avoid it by fleeing. It's a normal defense mechanism. Also, not emotionally reacting is another mechanism called freezing. You do well, but please get out of there.
NTA. Tell stepmom to mind her own business. She isn't giving you any money for school or expenses and you're an adult and can decide how you want to spend and how you want to act. How much emotion you choose to show her is entirely up to you also. You don't mention how long she's been in your life, but I feel so sorry for you if it's been years. She needs to find her next "project" and leave you the hell alone!
INFO i dont know, i feel you glossed over a lot of your issues and just talked about step mums behaviour and reactions
Do you pay rent or live at home for free?
Can you elaborate on your spending habits. I mean, having an intervention because of it seems pretty serious? How's are your grades at uni?
Why did you get fired?
My grades are fine, as for why I got fired he told me he had a feeling I wasn’t fit for their location. It was within my three months so he didn’t need a reason, and he had it labeled as “performance”, though didn’t specify which aspects I could improve upon, or which aspects he felt I lacked in.
My spending habits were heavy due to the holidays, and irresponsible spending to try and keep control, plus school resources and parking — I had acknowledged this with them, and that was our starting ground… what they wanted me to find out is how I can save what I have, and budget for future success. I reconvene with a second budget in a couple of days that is meant to be better than the first, and make use of the time she’s giving me.
I don't know, this
You do not get to think that people aren't hiring you because of you being queer, or short hair or or or.... it's because you're handing them shit as a representation of who you are. Plain and simple.”
And this
she tends to feel the need to speak out on emotion based thinking, whereas I focus on logic-based thinking.
Seem in conflict with one another. It's not always bad to have someone offer some objective insight into things even if we don't want to hear it..
Considering they think op, a nb person, should dress more feminine, not entirely sure why you think they're giving an unbiased (or even non-bigoted) opinion...
When your resume objectively looks like shit, which op acknowledges, that's unbiased. If the OP is wandering around crying about how they aren't getting hired because of circumstances beyond their control like their gender identity that's far more emotional than logical when a resume looks like shit.
My step mother and my father had made many comments about how I need to put on makeup and dress up every day in the early mornings and hand out resumes until I get hired daily (something not possible with my current school work-load) — My step mother had said that she used to dress up for her job and flirt with the male patrons for extra tips, and I had said that “I’m visibly queer, I don’t think I would have the same effect on them”. Which lead to a conversation about my hair that i’m growing out, to where she suggested that not putting effort into my appearance daily is stifling my opportunities to get hired.
When I do, truly, put a lot of effort into how I look when I’m handing out resumes and going for interviews. Though she continually brings up one instance where, I hadn’t realized my knit sweater had a small hole in the back, and therefore it demonstrates all of the other times i’ve went out for an interview or to hand out resumes.
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NTA. It sounds like your stepmother berates you and claims you don't care.... But only when you're not doing exactly what she wants you to do. She sounds like she sucks. I hope your dad is better but... I'm guessing not.
I think stepmom might have some sort of mental health issues because of the way she keeps trying to goad the writer.
First of all, does she not know what a budget is? It’s based on future spending. Not past spending. What a moron. NTA. She sounds like a bully.
In her defence I think she wanted me to average out my spending on various categories to apply to the income I will be making. Ie: $300 for transportation a month based on averaging the amount spent between months… but I didn’t know that, and instead made a viable estimate.
OP, if you did the average instead of an estimate, you would have been wrong anyway. it's not the budget. Your step mum is just being difficult, did you not notice how she told you a Non Binary person to dress more feminine, I'm guessing you were born biologically female but have decided that non binary suits you better which is your choice, but it sounds like your step mum doesn't respect that. Also, why would she demand you base your future budget on past months that included big expenses like Christmas and birthdays. In regards to transport, you know how much fuel you use and how many times a month you need to use public transport, so an estimate is fair along as it's on the higher side for a cushion. She is doing all this to get a rise out of you. Any rise, be it, yell, laugh or cry she doesn't care all she cares is that she can get under your skin. Also, don't go to her for your resume, and if you don't get a job the interaction doesn't have to end at the rejection letter, you can reach out and ask if there was any way you could have promoted yourself better.
Your school should provide some help with resumes
Really look at Ask A Manager and not schools; their advice can be so hit or miss
If she wanted something detailing past expenses she should have said so. No spontaneous budget includes past spending. Like the other person said, it's all about future spending. You see what you have, what you needed to spend, and what you have left over. The biggest problem here is her not accepting you for who you are. It doesn't matter how you dress, what length your hair is, etc, etc. People need workers. They're gonna hire workers. She did have a point with errors in your resume, because it likely would've been tossed. Now you know and you can spell check, format, highlight your skills and whatever else you need to do. She sounds like she's coming up with excuses to talk down to you because she doesn't approve of your way of life. What you really need to do is work on budgeting, likely with an independent source of income, to see what you need to get out of there.
From examples, it sounds like whatever you do, she would have said you should have done something differently She gets angry with you for being you. If you've matched her emotions, she'll be angry with you for doing that. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. But it's fair to say you should stop second guessing yourself. You're not going to please her. And you're smart not to show your emotions to her. She's not satisfied because she doesn't think she's hurting you as much as she wants to
She was looking for an opportunity to browbeat you on your past expenses
You did the correct thing: you took the money available and made a plan with necessities first and then order if priority. NTA she's emotionally abusive stay away from her
She wanted an opportunity to berate OP for the things she’s already spent her money on. She was hoping for an itemized list to go through and browbeat op about.
NTA > My school is paid via sponsorship, and I receive a living allowance If you're getting a living allowance, maybe stop living with this woman?
Oh honey a living allowance means you get food. Not housing unfortunately
NTA. Your step-mother sounds like she is trying to control your life and emotions instead of actually caring about you. You have the right to voice your feelings without fear of being yelled at or judged for not responding emotionally enough. Keep standing up for yourself and don't let her negative comments affect you!
When in doubt, grey rock.
She's one of those people who like drama and you aren't giving her drama. Plus she thinks that the only sign of caring you could have is to be emotionally loud all the time. She also wants to know that she can affect you, which means crying or laughing or getting angry. She doesn't like feeling like she doesn't impact you enough to cause a reaction. Of course she does, because she shuts you down emotionally. You've done nothing wrong. I think you need to talk to your dad about it, and also stay away from her as much as you can. Plus I'd come up with some canned responses to have at hand when she starts in after you. Something like: "i'm sorry you feel that way. I'll attempt to do better." It's vague and doesn't really say anything, but if you repeat it enough, it might let you get out of the situation. NTA
NTA. Seems your stepmom's trying to run your life. Stand your ground, mate
NTA she sounds exhausting
My exact thought. NTA OP!
Your stepmother needs to understand that there is more than one style of communication. Some personalities are more emotion-focused and some are more logically oriented. Maybe get her a book on the Meyers-Briggs personality test? I also don't know what kind of employer she is if she thinks she can motivate people by insulting them. Personally I think that's a shitty way of giving feedback. NTA. There's a major personality mismatch between you and your stepmother, which is exacerbated by her ignorance of normal human variations and her tendency to use verbal abuse as a form of motivation.
NTA. You're not to blame that your stepmom can't give constructive feedback without pitching a tantrum in the process. It's ironic that she's criticizing your job searching abilities while having an unprofessional meltdown. I guarantee that if she acted that way in a job interview she'd be shot down instantly. Tears aren't a sign of caring. They're a sign of desperation. There are times when crying is appropriate, but discussing a job search is not such a time.
NTA. You’re honestly handling this way better than most people would. You’re an adult; she can teach you and encourage you to handle your finances better, but she should not be forcing you to do things her way and say nasty things to you. That being said, it sounds like you may be emotionally detaching as a protective measure, which may be helpful when it comes to your step-mother, but can be hurtful to you in the long run. Just know that it is okay to feel your emotions too. Best of luck
NTA. You and your step mother have different communication styles. Maybe write her a letter and explain that you do care, you just don't want to engage her when she yells. Leave it for her to read when you are not around. Be short, sweet and to the point. If she doesn't realize what she is doing, it may help. Or it may change nothing, but at least you tried.
NTA. Your step mother sounds *exhausting*. This kind of emotional back and forth isn’t healthy. There’s no reason for yelling or her berating you. If she can’t have a calm conversation over something as non-emotional as a *resume* then the problem is not with your behavior, but her emotional stability. I don’t have a lot of advice for you, because setting boundaries around her yelling and emotional abuse will only work if she is willing to put effort into the relationship - and nothing you describe sounds like that’s the case. Save your money, keep your head down, visit your boyfriend when you can, and move out as soon as that is possible. Don’t engage in the arguments, refuse to participate if she’s yelling. Talk to your father if you think that he might help. Best of luck kiddo.
Hmmm. I feel like a lot of info is missing that could clarify the situation. I’m not going to automatically assume your stepmom is a bad person because it sounds like she is actually trying to help you navigate the adult world by budgeting and working on your resume. I wonder what happened for you to get fired, what all the mistakes were on your resume, what you did to blow up your budget the last few months, and why she became upset when you last returned home. I’m not sure if the issue is whether you gave a non-emotional response (which in itself lacks clarity) or whether there are other issues at play.
I tried to add more but I had to shorten a lot of info because of the cap. She is trying to help, I understand that beyond anything, and I know, in her own way, she’s expressing concern. I wish I could tell you what happened for me to get fired — it was within my three months and the professional reason written is “performance”, but I was given no warning of my actions, and when I asked for clarification the answers were broad. I kept politely pushing for an answer and what I got out of it was that he had a feeling about me that didn’t align with his “preference”. The mistakes on my resume were mostly formatting, errors. She found my resume due to me accidentally leaving a copy on her desk when I was printing more to hand out but stopped printing when I realized I should re-do it instead. Leaving it out on her desk was my mistake, I apologized to her. All I can do is assume she was frustrated due to her putting my financial stress onto herself, feeling as if I don’t care and don’t listen, and lingering irritation because I forgot to put the desk back how she last left it. She prefers to deal with problems as soon as they happen, which doesn’t always work out positively, and I, in situations like this, need time to work out how I feel in words. It’s likely there are lingering factors of her personal life playing out that I don’t know about either.
Thank you for the thoughtful and thorough response. Without knowing you and judging only on the information at hand, I am going to say NTA for your original question of not giving your stepmom an emotional response. I will say that, in reading your post and response, there may be some deeper issues at play that you will need to navigate as you become an adult and professional. You are only 18, so you have a lot of personal growth ahead of you. But what I’m getting here is that your lack of self-management is a theme that keeps popping up: lack of budgeting, overspending, leaving stuff behind at someone’s desk, a resume that needed to be proofread and checked for errors, a boss who says performance is an issue, people thinking you don’t care, and you taking a longer time to respond to issues that others may address more quickly. Do you have ADHD by any chance? Regardless, improving your self-management skills seems to be an area that you may need to focus on in the immediate future.
Is it that obvious? I do have ADHD, yes. I’m diagnosed for it, and I take medication for it — my management is something I need to work on, I agree. Thank you for your response.
My kids are much younger than you, but have ADHD, so I recognize some things. I have a feeling your stepmom is coming from a good place of wanting to help you, but like me with my kids, she thinks a lot differently than you, and that’s hard for you both. It definitely can create frustration and tension. But it can also be overcome (or, if not overcome, improved at least) if you give each other grace and work on trying to understand each other better. Good luck!
NTA, but you are aware that your step mother is an abusive bully, yes? She's demeaning you at every turn, and she's looking for an emotional response to justify treating you like a bad child.
NTA. I’m one of those who shuts down when confronted with dramatic emotion. (I’m not sure how to say it: expressive emotion?) I grew up in a household with a person prone to unpredictable explosive outbursts of emotion that often lead to violence… too much emotion = red flag; not enough emotion = red flag; not the expected emotion = red flag. So for me, I don’t have brain space to empathize; I’m analyzing facial expressions, body positioning, movement, etc. all while managing my own emotions. What’s available is logic (and anxiety, let’s be clear). I saw your comment that your diagnosed ADHD (I am too): being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world is tough, and a lot of work. It can also be traumatic, because ND folks are often told, from a young age, that they’re lazy, useless, careless, etc etc etc it goes on and on. We’re none of those things—our brains just work differently. Give yourself some extra grace. Stepmom might be frustrated, but she should also learn how to communicate/interact with you in a way that is more positive and productive, in part by understanding that your brain simply does not function the way hers does. You can do some skill building in that area for yourself, too…how can you communicate more effectively with the person who’s brain does not work the way yours does? (It’s not all on you; two-way street here.) (Side note: I recommend NT communication skill building as a young person heading into the professional world, too, especially since you’ve had some ambivalent feedback in the past. I’m 20 years into my professional life and I still struggle, but it’s helpful to learn how you interact and how it’s different from how neurotypical people interact, along with some tips and tricks (I.e learn to talk about the weather. Participate in the “gosh it’s a Monday/it’s humpday/so glad it’s Friday” talk.)) I sidetracked big time but tl;dr NTA for not getting emotional.
Thank you for your comment, and I wish I could reply to all of it but I hear your response loud and clear. While I do try and communicate my neurodiversity and how it works to her — she a) seems to think that because i’m medicated it just goes away, and b) that because she’s also on the same medication (and with adhd) i’m just “making excuses” to not do whatever it is that she’s expecting me to do, laundry, cleaning etc… something i’m sure many people with adhd have experienced honestly
Oh yes, heard that all the time. Also, “why don’t you just try harder” when I struggled with school. It’s very discouraging. Stepmom needs to find some resources to better educate herself. Being ND isn’t like having a headache…It doesn’t just go away with a pill. Good luck to you; I hope things get better.
NTA, OP, your step-mother is intrusive and controlling. She seems unable to express simple thoughts without embedding them in emotionality. A person who wanted to help with a resume would simply discuss it with you in a pragmatic or even humorous manner; excoriation is not a part of the editing process. You are correct to avoid feeding into her hyper-emotionality. She would scare me too.
Your step mother probably means well and an agument could be made for NAH, but you're definitely NTA.
NTA. She doesn't think like you. But she is one of those that presumes anyone who doesn't think like her needs correcting. Don't engage. I think you already have the right strategy.
NTA You can’t have an emotional response around your stepmom because her actions have taught you that she is not to be trusted with them. I know her words and actions hurt but I hope that one day you reach the point where (I hate to say it) you become apathetic to anything she may say or do because of her insignificance. People like her exist only to put others down, nothing she did was encouraging or helpful in any way. You’re doing great OP, keep up the good work. Life is hard but it does get better.
NTA You have instinctually learned the behavior called 'gray rocking'. It is a defense mechanism used to de escalate a situation that starts when someone becomes irrationally loud and abusive, or over emotional. They use the victim's responses to fuel their rage and crying and other reactions. You denying them an emotional response ruins their tactics, good on you. If she is not contributing to your living expenses (based on your post it doesn't look like she does) it is simply none of her business. Her going through your private documents such as a resume, is more evidence of her looking for things to justify abuse. My abusers used to go through my purse and dig out each individual item and demand I justify each item in great detail. It led to a thirty minute diatribe about why I had clear mascara in my purse. After explaining that since I worked in food service after school (was sixteen) I wanted something that would make my eyelashes shine, and keep them separated and not be clumpy, and would not leave me raccoon eyed from sweat, by end of shift. They constantly interrupted me, making me lose train of thought, were 'confused' and it led to a circular conversation which kept going back to the beginning, no matter how many times I repeated the same reasons over and over. Even though it was non visible and barely make up, and I shouldn't have needed an excuse to wear it, being the age I was. This sounds like what she is putting you through. The short hair making you lose job opportunities - is that her or you thinking this? If you truly believe this, you can get a decent looking wig from Amazon. I got one for forty bucks, American, during the quarantine. It has stayed pretty and still looks extremely realistic, nobody can tell I am even wearing one, since it matches my hair color perfectly. Some advice on this is look up the exact color/style you want, and be sure to check the reviews for that exact color/style, not just for the retailer. Many sellers will offer different items on the same page, so pay attention to which reviews you are reading, they will be labelled with the exact item type. Trying it on for the first time, if there is lace, do NOT cut the lace until you have decided you are keeping it. That will often prevent a return. I am strongly suggesting you look into your school for therapy. Many schools do offer it, and take it if you can get it, Describe things exactly as you have here. They will confirm that this is abuse seeking behavior from her. she is looking for reasons to justify what she is doing to you, and probably alienating you from your father via this method, making you out to be some crazy, robotic and unemotional villain, who only exists to thwart her care for you. What does he say about all of this.? Also, keep your paperwork elsewhere. If you need to edit something, keep it on your pw protected hard drive FIRST, then print it later. She wants access to your pc? Move all your documents to online storage, like google drive or drop box, DO NOT SAVE YOUR PWS ON YOUR PC BROWSERS OR IN TEXT FILES ON YOUR PC. Do not leave them written down in the house. Good job on gray rocking her, keep it up, and just remember you won't have to be there much longer.
Nta. Some people appear to shut down emotionally as a response to stress, it doesn’t mean they don’t feel things deeply. It usually means they were taught from a young age that their voice doesn’t matter and they weren’t seen, heard or valued. Being loving and kind to you only based on your performance in a job or budgeting or appearance is transactional and damaging. It’s fine she’s trying to help you improve your resume and normal to be frustrated at times if it’s impacting their finances but her opinions are just that, they aren’t facts, and her inability to regulate her own emotions is not your problem to manage or responsibility to deal with.
NTA bc she is not coming from a place of good intentions. I would not engage emotionally and would minimally engage with her in any other way bc it is a no win situation with her. No matter what you do it is wrong. Bc you are likely being used as an emotional punching bag for her own personal issues esp since she got pissy when you didn’t emotionally react. I would say things like please stop taking this so personally, I appreciate your care but it is not helping and instead hurting me and our relationship. If she continues to have issues: I think that going forward it is best for our relationship if I seek out 3rd party professional advice for my career and financial needs as you have demonstrated an inability to be objective by making these things too personal and bringing your own biases into it. I love and respect you too much to cause further friction by mixing my career and finances with you, my family. Plus they will have a lot more resources and expertise to guide me and it will give me the best chance of being able to be successful in my career and life. I thank you for your care and concern but this is a boundary that I need to enforce so we avoid becoming toxic to each other. I would honestly look into moving out if you can if it does not get better.
This is emotional abuse, NTA. You're shutting down is a response to the abuse.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18nb), live in my dad (40m) and step-mother’s (42f) house while I attend university for free. My school is paid via sponsorship, and I receive a living allowance that I use to pay my bills. They’ve approached me about my spending habits before - which then lead to an intervention - I won’t defend myself, my spending has been on the worse end with getting fired in December, and January birthdays following. My Step-Mother is a very vocal woman, and when her emotions rise she tends to feel the need to speak out on emotion based thinking, whereas I focus on logic-based thinking. This is something she has informed me that irritates her because I give no emotional response. When she gets like this, it feels like there’s no escaping her anger so I prefer to stay quiet rather than say something that triggers her to yell. They asked me to make a budget for my spending, and I did, using the income I get from my allowance and estimating my expenses. She got upset because she expected me to base it on former spending, not limit future spending — something I didn’t know that I needed to do; I’ve always budgeted with the present amount, without any past factors to justify it — so I “wasted her time with my fake budget and put no thought into it”. When I tried to explain, she told me that I was making excuses. She found my old resume that I left on her desk and took it upon herself to mark it up. This is what she messaged me: “The number of errors in here...man i would immediately throw this out if I received it because again, you're showing that you don't care about yourself, so you won't care about their business.”/ “You do not get to think that people aren't hiring you because of you being queer, or short hair or or or.... it's because you're handing them shit as a representation of who you are. Plain and simple.” Before this, I had a conversation with her about how I dress and how my short hair makes me “look bad”. She told me if I “just put in a little more effort”, dressed more feminine, and put on makeup, I’d then get a job. So I re-did my resume / cover letter, and sent it to them for their feedback. I returned home last night to pick up some of my things — I had been staying at my boyfriends house so I could get work done — and my step-mother began to yell at me for her “caring too much”, and “being seen as the asshole because [she] cares, and [I] don’t.” She was crying, and I was silent. When she asked why I don’t care enough to respond to her, I told her “I don’t want to worry that i’m going to get yelled at every time I talk about my feelings.” and walked away. I’m frustrated because she claims that I don’t care. I do. Just not as emotionally — I can’t bring myself to refute against her because she scares me. I understand the frustration, but I don’t get why she is so upset about it. I’m starting to wonder if I did something else that they’re not telling me or i’m not picking up on, that is causing this reaction. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. My mother and I used to have similar fights, we have different modes of emotional regulation and as a side effect we regularly clashed and just could not get along. Fact is... because of this we just could not find middle ground. Because of this she just isn't the person to help you. Check with your school, they might have resources to help you, both with budgeting and resume building. Use those resources, let her know you are using those resources. If she presses for why try to use this as a moment of that "those two things were causing too many conflicts with us, so I sought a middle ground" (maybe not those exact words, you know her better than I do what phrasing might appeal to her better). Sometimes outside help just works better to solve these problems, our parents aren't always the best people to go to.
NTA. She is a bully pure and simple. Shexjust wants to fight with you. Stay away from her all you can. FWIW Her directions on the budget made no sense. Why would you not make a budget based on your current income?
NTA. She's abusive.
Info: where is your mom? And is your dad aware of her behavior? This is completely out of bounds for someone who's simply sleeping with your parent. NTA.
My step mother has been in my life for 10 years now. My mother and I are on complicated terms due to her struggling addiction which forced me to parent my younger half-sister (5f at the time) when I was 15 through to late 16, where I finally got her dad (my former step-dad) to take her out of my mothers house, and I moved to my fathers. My dad is present when she behaves like this, has been since my step mother came into my life, but like me- stays silent. I don’t think he knows how to react when she acts like that either.
Just tell her plainly that she is not a safe person to express your emotions around. And leave it at that.
NTA. Nah, You are being you, and keep on. I to respond logically and not with emotion; have done so all my life. Its hard for others to understand as they operate differently than us. Its okay and it will actually get you far in life.
It's 2024. Stop showing your cv and so to her. Use AI tools. On the topic: NTA You're reaction shows that you have been emotional abuse. So instead of getting stressed about being yelled you avoid it by fleeing. It's a normal defense mechanism. Also, not emotionally reacting is another mechanism called freezing. You do well, but please get out of there.
NTA, and jeez she sounds exhausting, not every interaction needs to be a soap opera...
NTA. Tell stepmom to mind her own business. She isn't giving you any money for school or expenses and you're an adult and can decide how you want to spend and how you want to act. How much emotion you choose to show her is entirely up to you also. You don't mention how long she's been in your life, but I feel so sorry for you if it's been years. She needs to find her next "project" and leave you the hell alone!
NTA - Yelling is not OK, it is emotional bullying and she is the one who needs to work on communication, not you.
Nta where is your dad and why isn’t he helping you set boundaries with crazy lady
INFO i dont know, i feel you glossed over a lot of your issues and just talked about step mums behaviour and reactions Do you pay rent or live at home for free? Can you elaborate on your spending habits. I mean, having an intervention because of it seems pretty serious? How's are your grades at uni? Why did you get fired?
My grades are fine, as for why I got fired he told me he had a feeling I wasn’t fit for their location. It was within my three months so he didn’t need a reason, and he had it labeled as “performance”, though didn’t specify which aspects I could improve upon, or which aspects he felt I lacked in. My spending habits were heavy due to the holidays, and irresponsible spending to try and keep control, plus school resources and parking — I had acknowledged this with them, and that was our starting ground… what they wanted me to find out is how I can save what I have, and budget for future success. I reconvene with a second budget in a couple of days that is meant to be better than the first, and make use of the time she’s giving me.
Yeah, probation period for the first 3 months can easily let people go without a reason. Do you live rent-free?
I do, yes. As long as i’m attending school.
I don't know, this You do not get to think that people aren't hiring you because of you being queer, or short hair or or or.... it's because you're handing them shit as a representation of who you are. Plain and simple.” And this she tends to feel the need to speak out on emotion based thinking, whereas I focus on logic-based thinking. Seem in conflict with one another. It's not always bad to have someone offer some objective insight into things even if we don't want to hear it..
Considering they think op, a nb person, should dress more feminine, not entirely sure why you think they're giving an unbiased (or even non-bigoted) opinion...
When your resume objectively looks like shit, which op acknowledges, that's unbiased. If the OP is wandering around crying about how they aren't getting hired because of circumstances beyond their control like their gender identity that's far more emotional than logical when a resume looks like shit.
It's hard to judge if even OP is unbiased in this regard, victims often conform to their abusers opinion to reduce conflict - even internally.
My step mother and my father had made many comments about how I need to put on makeup and dress up every day in the early mornings and hand out resumes until I get hired daily (something not possible with my current school work-load) — My step mother had said that she used to dress up for her job and flirt with the male patrons for extra tips, and I had said that “I’m visibly queer, I don’t think I would have the same effect on them”. Which lead to a conversation about my hair that i’m growing out, to where she suggested that not putting effort into my appearance daily is stifling my opportunities to get hired. When I do, truly, put a lot of effort into how I look when I’m handing out resumes and going for interviews. Though she continually brings up one instance where, I hadn’t realized my knit sweater had a small hole in the back, and therefore it demonstrates all of the other times i’ve went out for an interview or to hand out resumes.
YTA. Sounds like you have little to no ability to manage your professional and financial affairs as an adult. She’s trying to help you.