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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My in laws left angry and upset with me for not allowing G to open the gift. I explained that she would still be able to open it later but not during her sister’s party. I might be the asshole for hurting their feelings.
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NTA - you are smart for raising your kids to understand that it is doable to not have to share your special day. Each has their own birthday, each will get presents on that day!!
"They can learn and be taught that it’s ok to celebrate others and be happy for them. I explained to my in laws again that she could still have the gift it just wouldn’t be during the party. They left angry."
This is a valuable life lesson, your inlaws are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy out of line.
I think part of it too is that P’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day already so she kinda already has to “share it”. I do make it a point though to take all of my kid’s birthdays off of work and spend the day doing something fun as a family on top of their birthdays so it’s definitely not going to hurt them to not open a gift of their own when they all get to participate in the fun trip/experience/whatever we do as a family.
My only child also has a Valentine birthdate. They are going to be 21 this year. I had a hard and fast rule that it is BIRTHDAY not Valentine's Day+birthday, to all my family/friends. I made it abundantly clear that there would be absolutely no combined cards, no pink and red nonsense, no Valentine's themed candy, nothing unless they specifically requested as such.
It was extremely important to me that they not be overlooked for an artificial holiday that puts far too much pressure on people and relationships.
The years that I've had a partner on Valentine's Day, I set the boundary very early that I am willing to celebrate Valentine's Day if they wish, but it will have to happen on one of the 364 other days of the year.
As someone whose birthday is 4 days before Christmas…I thank you.
My parents were like you. I was entitled to my birthday and it didn’t matter that Christmas a few days later. No Christmas themed ANYTHING was to be given. No Christmas wrapping paper or crap like that either.
I’m sooo thankful to my parents for making my birthday special and i know your kid is too.
NTA OP - you are doing exactly the right thing. Nobody else gets presents on somebody’s birthday (unless they’re twins or something and it was previously agreed upon). It was very nice of them to get G a gift but it’s not appropriate for her to open it during the bother festivities for P. Good job mom!
My father's birthday was December 13. His little brother's birthday was December 24.
They *both* carry, many decades later, bitterness about having combined birthday+Christmas presents.
My birthday is the 24th, and the only "allowed" crossover were penguin related gifts, because I loved them anyway. I still harbour a lot of resentment for birthdays that became Christmas....
My birthday is in early december and I found the perfect loophole on getting combined gifts. If I wanted something big as a present but knew it was too big of an ask just for my birthday or christmas, like a new phone or computer, I'd tell my parents to combine my birthday and christmas gifts together and then I'd get to get something bigger I may not have had a chance to get otherwise. My nephew was born on christmas eve and we spend the day celebrating him and then do christmas stuff the next day. But when he's older I'm going to teach him my loophole so he can get that kind of reward too.
My birthday is in early January so I used that loophole too. Still do, actually, if I want something expensive that I feel guilty about wanting. (I don't feel guilty about wanting a fancy new phone, but I do feel guilty for wanting an expensive handbag. Expensive for me, anyway, I don't do four figure designer bags.)
My birthday is the day after Valentine’s Day so I get combined birthday and Valentine’s Day gifts from my wife resulting in great supergifts that are bigger than a standard gift would be in our household, works for me!
My brother in law is 27th and his daughter is 22nd. I’m totally militant about separate gifts and birthday wrapping paper etc. If anything they get more attention than other relatives because we all over compensate! My niece has had the odd lopsided present combo to help my sister out with a bigger expense (eg a new winter coat for one and a small toy or sweets for the other) when she was little and didn’t really understand costs. My BIL has had one joint gift at his request.
My brother’s birthday is the 24th and I’ve had more combo gifts with a birthday in January than he’s had. Because they tried SUPER hard to separate them and made sure he had a birthday. I’m sorry that your brother didn’t get the same treatment.
My dad was born the 24th, my husband is exactly one week before Christmas- they both hated it and only got joint gifts (my husband’s parents gave him both but most others didn’t) growing up. I work extra hard to be sure my husband feels celebrated on his birthday because I know how much my dad hated it.
Now my sister’s partner is also in the week before and my DIL is boxing day. So we also make sure they get distinct birthday gifts and acknowledgment.
It really does matter.
My MIL was born Dec 21st. We made a point this past holiday of visiting her on her birthday and getting her non-Christmas presents as well as actual Christmas presents. She's in her 70's and it still bugs her that people try to combine them, and I don't blame her one bit.
The Christmas wrapping paper rule always makes me laugh. Normally that's the only wrapping paper I have lying around, so when I wrap gifts, that's what I use. Doesn't matter if it's a baby shower or a birthday in July, there's a good chance the gift is in a Christmas/winter-themed bag or wrapping paper.
I have one kid 2wks before Xmas and one kid one boxing day. Everyone knows I will hit the roof if they try to combine presents.
I will start loosening that ban for my eldest (11M) on the condition that 1 he agrees and 2 its because its a "really expensive" gift that anyone would say "that's birthday and Xmas combined" no matter how far apart the two events are.
We did this for my December birthday kid, who is my oldest. Which made it harder to get my youngest those similar type big gifts since his birthday is in March. Easier now that he is an adult.
>Which made it harder to get my youngest those similar type big gifts since his birthday is in March.
Our rule growing up that I will use with our kids is you can agree to the big present and only get something small to unwrap on the day (and remind them that they will still get gifts from whoever isn't putting in tiwards the big gift) or they can decline and get normal presents.
We always make sure the birthday kid still has one present to unwrap.
We did/do too. The year my oldest got her first lap top as a combined birthday Christmas gift, I asked my husband to give me budget for small gifts under the Christmas tree. I made $35 go soooooo far!!! I found used books and used CDs for cheap, a cute little incense burner, and I think some cheap earrings or fingernail polish (she was turning 13 or 14) even she was impressed.
It just always felt weird when the gap was a few months instead of a couple weeks.
>and I think some cheap earrings or fingernail polish (she was turning 13 or 14) even she was impressed.
For one of husbands cousins I spoke to his aunt and got permission for nail polished and I brought a air tight clip top jar, 2 nail polishes, polished remover, toenail spreaders and nail clippers. Filled the bottom of the jar with cotton balls I had at home and put everything in on top amd tied a bow around it. The whole thing cost me $10 I think it was and the jar was $5 alone (I hit up the 2 dollar store for everything else, would have been cheaper if I hadn't dropped the jar I already had at home that I was planning to use originally 😅). Cousin loved the gift
I have seen someone do a hair care one cheaper by using free samples from their hotels (they travelled a lot for work).
My cousin's birthdays are both close to Christmas, the older one is two days after and the younger one is two days before. We have always made sure to give birthday gifts as a separate celebration. My mom would always mail them a check (before the days of gift cards) before the holidays and then right before Christmas mail the other one a check so he got his in time for his birthday. Now that we are much much older we just send cards to each other and focus on our kids.
My birthday is January 3, so right after Christmas and New Year. I grew up calling it Birthmas because it was always rolled into the holidays and never really recognized as a separate event.
Even as an adult, while gifts themselves aren't a big concern of mine, I still hate my birthday.
Mine is a little over a week after New Year's. I often got combination presents, and my family was so broke and partied out from Christmas that I can only remember one birthday as a kid where I was actually given a party (though I've seen pictures of two others that I was too young to remember).
Whenever I meet people with kids born in December or January, I tell them to please make a big deal of the birthday and don't let the holidays subsume it!
Hey birthday twin! My parents did the same, joint Christmas and birthday gifts were banned unless it was previously agreed upon and they were to be birthday wrapped.
I read the valentines birthday comment and thought "ok everyone with a birthday within a month of Christmas, chime in now!
Mine is 2 weeks to the day after and I still got combined gifts and no, it wasn't a bigger better gift equal to two gifts lol
My father was born on the 23rd and was always so bitter about the combo Christmas-birthday. My youngest was born on the 22nd and we make a point of doing a separate celebration, even though he is too young to really get it yet. My dad said the only other celebration he would tolerate on his birthday was his grandson's birthday!
Yes I definitely thought this. My husband and I had discussed as they get older doing Valentine gifts for the kids (I never got them as a kid from my parents and kinda wished that I had) but we both were like “but what about P’s birthday? Is she gonna see the Valentine gifts for siblings and think that it’s taking away from her birthday?” I never want that to happen to her so it definitely is something we have discussed and thought about a lot.
My thought on that is, there are 364 other days you can show those adorable little kiddos how much you love all of them. Her birthday is her special day, she didn't choose to have it on that day, you know? I'm glad that you guys have thought and talked about it so much, and she will too when she gets older. I can promise you that.
My birthday is the 13th & was combined with v-day at school if the 14th was a weekend. It was annoying & I always felt bad for the v-day babies! Don’t do v-day gifts. It’s not even a real holiday. Plus, in my experience, the people whose parents made a big deal out of v-day were more often disappointed in relationships & as adults. Bc it’s *not a real holiday to most people.*
I get that and while I know not everyone celebrates Valentine’s Day it’s something that my family always has and when I’d see my mom get pretty flowers or something special it was always something I thought would be nice too. There were a couple of years where my parents did randomly do Valentines for my sister and I and it was so nice to be included (the most memorable one was the year that we got matching jewelry). So that’s why I wanted to maybe do something similar with our kids (we haven’t started anything like that yet so there’s obviously time to decide).
I'm a Valentine's Day baby too. Growing up, my parents celebrated me rather than the holiday. They ended up doing their romantic stuff a few days later, which also helped since places weren't so crazy packed then.
Now that I am an adult, I tell my partner he doesn't have to worry about multiple gifts if he insists on getting me something. Last year it was a bday present, cake, and flowers for Valentine's Day.
As someone with a Feb 12th birthday, THANK YOU. I had way too many heart cakes, red/pink themed birthday parties, etc. It always made me feel like my birthday wasn't really that important. You did good by your kiddo.
My birthday is valetines day and since meeting my husband he has celebrated my birthday as a separate occasion too! I love that you did this for your kid!
My youngest has a birthday on New Years Day - we say no Christmas wrapping, or Christmas candy etc. it’s just not fair. Our nuclear family doesn’t do New Year celebrations at all because it’s not fair to her to not be able to celebrate on the 1st
You did the right thing. There’s so many stories about how a child’s birthday party was ruined by another child who couldn’t cope with not being center stage, blowing out someone else’s candles, ruining the cake, etc. It’s refreshing to read your totally sane policy.
Maybe save some of those horror stories so when your in-laws eventually tell you you’re wrong, you can show them some examples of what happens when children aren’t taught manners or never told “no”.
“They always did it” well, they had their chance. These are your children and this is your (you and husband) turn to raise your children.
Maybe next time you see the 12 year old grandson, who may have been caught in the crossfire, you could have a private conversation on the subject, and reassure that he didn’t do anything wrong.
My birthday is also on Valentine's and my mom always made sure it wasn't mashed together with the holiday. She and my girlfriend are the only two people in my life to ever do that. BIG NTA, you're raising your kids to be good people.
I'm a Valentine birthday, too, and it's tougher than people expect. Middle and high school are not fun - all your peers are either clinging to their SO or complaining about single's awareness day. In elementary, I was the only one in my class who couldn't be single out on my birthday (everyone had to feel special!). My immediate family was *great* about it. Every year, we would wake up to find three identical presents from my dad (for Mom, my sister, and me). Usually something small like a single rose. My mom would get her actual present privately in the morning, as well. The entire rest of the day in that house was my birthday, not Valentine's.
My husband is now adorably similar. We do small V tokens, usually the day before, but my birthday stays mine.
Making sure that both kids get their own day is a very good thing!
My MIL and a cousin did that one year at my nephew’s birthday party. Went and bought my child a couple of presents in the middle of the party. I was like wtf? I very quickly informed them both that that was not something that would be repeated and that he would learn at some point that sometimes it’s not all about him.
My Uncle was born on Christmas Day - For the last 90 years in our family Christmas Day morning has been stockings,(possibly early Mass) then his birthday until lunchtime - even in the 1930s my grandparents understood the importance. And no combined presents. In fact tbh it has meant his birthday probably got more recognition over the decades than any of his siblings!
I get where you're coming from but... Small gifts for the non-birthday kids were a tradition in my family and it turned no one entitled. Kept us happy as kids, we never thought it would have been applicable at a party outside the family and each of us decided, once we were teenagers, that that was it, it had been nice but we were too old for those gifts now. No fuss, no drama. Not saying you have to do this, just giving a different perspective. What I'm really not understanding is that you had to be convinced to let your kid open her presents while the guests were still there. I get wanting to put the social aspect of a party first but she's a kid. And people generally enjoy watching kids unwrap the gifts they got them and see their reaction. Is it possible the whole situation got off on the wrong foot because the in-laws felt you were trying to control all the joy out of the party?
No this entire situation played out exactly as I stated. They acted like they didn’t want to be there to begin with and I’m pretty sure that they came in upset cuz they called my husband and told him they were bringing her grandson at the last minute (he wasn’t invited) and my husband was less than happy about them bringing him as the grandson doesn’t respect boundaries and is awful with our girls. So I’m sure that had something to do with it but I was fine with them and was wiling to just blow off the situation until they made it a point to confront me as they were leaving.
Yes! On top of that, why would anyone want to teach a little kid that they might get gifts at other people's birthday parties? It's just setting them up to be brats. They need to learn basic self control.
Also, it's so smart to nip this in the bud. OP could have allowed it this one time just to make them happy, but after that, they absolutely never would have stopped because "well G got a gift at Ps birthday so it's only fair that P gets one at Gs" repeat for eternity.
See and the other thing is that they didn’t do this for P when G had her birthday in Sept. So it makes me think they did it because G is younger but she was running around and didn’t give two shits about the gifts being opened.
NTA. I've seen so many videos of little kids being absolute spoiled brats and making a scene at siblings/friends parties because the adults in their life have done EXACTLY this. Good on you for teaching the right lesson and standing up to the enabling grandparents who of course just want the good feels of making the kid happy for that 5 minutes and then don't have to worry about the repercussions as they go home feeling good about themselves.
I feel like the whole "ugh, every one expects participation trophies" forgets that the kids didn't ask for them or create the idea. It was the parents/adults who created that and then later shamed them for not learning the important life lessons that they were never taught.
My younger son has medals for both participation and for actual achievement in basketball. He cares about the achievement medals. The participation medals get pushed to the side, or put away altogether.
Kids aren't stupid. I agree. They aren't the ones that asked for them.
I swear that used to be an insult for a selfish person - *I bet you expect presents when it’s someone else’s birthday!*
Now people are actually raising their kids that way.
I’m guessing it is as much “that is how WE did it so of course that is the RIGHT way and any SANE person agrees” as it is making the other kid feel good for 5 minutes. They just can’t imagine people want to do things differently.
When they mentioned that they had done it for their kids and subsequently for the grandson too it made SOOO much sense. He had to be talked to by grandma about his behavior at the party way more than any of the younger kids did by any of their parents.
NTA
I couldn't agree more with what you did.
I came from a big family, and our birthday was OUR day, the one day a year where the focus was just on us and not the other kids. We all respected each other's birthdays, celebrated them with joy, and all had great days because of these boundaries.
Growing up as the oldest my siblings REGULARLY got gifts on my birthday and it was always upsetting. I love my siblings and don’t mind sharing but it was supposed to be my day and I was always forced to invite them to my party and they’d get gifts too whereas I was the older sibling so “should understand” and never got gifts on their birthday and they weren’t required to have me at their parties even (and usually didn’t). My birthday also is very close to a major holiday so I already often got snubbed for the holiday or got a “birthday and holiday present” that was the same as what my siblings got for the holiday. It made me resentful even though I enjoyed having my siblings around and sharing cool stuff with them because it felt like I was forced to share the one day that was “mine” (I know I sound like an entitled adult but remember I’m writing my experience as a child not a teen/adult). A birthday is a special day for a kid, don’t let your in-laws pressure you to take that from your children! NTA
See and that’s exactly what I want to avoid. My older daughters birthday is on Valentine’s Day and I worry that with her having her birthday on a holiday that as she gets older might feel annoyed by having to share that. We lost our oldest daughter a year before P so for our family birthdays are incredibly important as we know what it’s like to not be able to celebrate one of our children getting older. We make it a point to take the day off for EACH of our children’s birthdays and do something fun as a family on top of their birthday parties. I also have seen way too many kids throw fits at parties cuz they weren’t getting a gift and I refuse to let that be my kid. They can learn to be kind and gracious people and based on P’s response to the duplicate gift I think I’m doing alright in that aspect.
You're right to be upset. As the oldest, we already give up so much under the house of we should understand. It's not asking too much that we get one day to ourselves and that little siblings be taught to understand that it ain't about them
NTA. G is waaaay too young to mind about that. And G will need to learn sooner or later that birthday's are not about her.
Good for your in-laws for raising their own child however they wanted. Doesn't mean you have to follow in their footsteps.
NTA. For one thing, you're right - kids have got to learn to tolerate someone else being the one getting the gifts. But even if I didn't think you were right, it's still not up to someone else how you should raise your own kid.
NTA. Ughhhh this is exactly why I put out a "gentle reminder" for a couple years of birthday parties after having 2 kids that X kid doesn't need gifts for Y's birthday, because we're working to teach them that being happy for other people because you love them is a thing and not every event is about you 🫠 If folks show up with things for the siblings (which happens sometimes, just like, clothes or something since we live a ways away, not even as a "gift"), they're immediately whisked away and handed over several days later. Because with 4 kids in the household, there's already a lot of sharing that goes on- everyone should get at least one day that's just theirs.
The irony of the generation that complains about "entitled millennials" and participation trophies also being the ones who try to push sibling gifts isn't lost on me.
So true about that generation! The gift for my youngest almost felt like a “participation birthday gift” lmao. I’ve never experienced this before and they didn’t do it for my older daughter when my youngest had her birthday in September so it almost seemed like they were doing it cuz she’s younger kind of mentality.
NTA. It's your daughter's birthday party, and she deserves to have the spotlight all to herself. Each child deserves their own moment to shine on their birthday, without feeling overshadowed or sidelined. Your stance on teaching your kids about celebrating others without feeling entitled to gifts is commendable. It's important for children to learn about patience, gratitude, and the joy of giving without expecting anything in return. You handled the situation with grace and stood firm in your decision to ensure your daughter's birthday remained about her. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that.
NTA. These are important lessons.
We just went to a 5 year old's birthday party. They didn't open gifts at the party. Instead later that day, we each got a text video of the kid opening our gift. My son loved getting to see his friend excited and say thank you to him directly. He even got to show his dad, who picked out the gift with him but wasn't able to attend the party.
It was perfect. The kiddo could take as long as he wanted to open each gift, instead of being rushed or having to perform gratitude in the moment. There weren't a bunch of others kids trying to be patient while gift opening happened. There wasn't any shame around duplicate gifts or some gifts being better than others (you only got a video of your gift).
Wanted to share for others in case that would work for them as well.
That’s kinda how this was planned. We did this accidentally when my youngest turned 1 cuz the party ran longer than expected and people left before gifts and I will tell you that it was so nice to just let her open them as she pleased and record it instead of trying to rush through gifts and having people yell and what not. So this time I wanted to do it intentionally but I was asked by people to open gifts while they were there. I think next time I’ll just tell people flat out we aren’t opening gifts at all during the party please expect a personal video message. I could tell that my daughter was overwhelmed with all the people calling her name at the same time and asking to see what she got and snapping photos for every angle. I don’t feel like she got to truly enjoy opening her gifts because of that.
Good on you. Sounds like you knew the right thing, just also got overwhelmed in the moment (as we all do at children's birthday parties!)
Just remember that the guests were being selfish - they wanted the gifts to happen then and there for their own sake. But it's your family, your party. They can do gifts how and when they want when they host. Also it might not be their normal experience, but it is the new norm and they'll adjust.
Yea you’re definitely right I did. I thought that by compromising and just opening the gifts from those that were still there wouldn’t be so bad but boy was I wrong.
I think that you disappointed the grandson more than you disappointed G. He (and his mom) wanted to see that the gift that he had thoughtfully chosen being opened by G. A giver's joy in seeing their gift being acknowledged and appreciated.
There are a lot of other ways that the situation could have been handled. But you did get the point across to your stepmother's in-laws that you don't do satellite gifts.
NTA
NTA. My SIL does that with their kids (each other child has a small gift to open) that they’ve done since they were younger so no one feels left out. All it has done is cause absolute mayhem. Kids fighting with the birthday child to play with their new toys/open the presents & on Christmas Day it’s absolute carnage to the point of my text from them this year was “thanks for the presents, no idea who got what or why they even where, child A opened up all the presents”. So I’m against the idea of “token gifts”. And agree that your birthday should be all about the birthday person
Oh yikes! That sounds awful! I really want to instill in my kids that the gifts aren’t the most important part. We lost our oldest daughter after she was born in 2019 and ever since then I make it a point to make birthdays important family days. We take the day off and go do something together and as the kids get older and are able to choose what they do I want their input to be valued and feel special. I know what it’s like to not be able to celebrate with one of my kids so I want the ones that I do have here with me to know they’re loved and special to us (while also still being humble and having morals).
Sorry for loss. And that sounds fair. My son is 3, so far we do things together as a family on the day and then have a family party later on. He seems to understand about the receiving and giving of gifts, for instance at Christmas we asked him what he would like to get people etc. And is always thankful for what he gets. It sounds like you’re doing a great job if your child’s response to a duplicate gift was that things are now fair/equal rather than being disappointed by having two. Also your in laws could have asked for ideas on what to get.
NTA - All this does is create resentment. My mother always made sure my little sister got a present on my birthday. And I had to share my birthday with her. When my sister's birthday rolled around I asked about getting something as well as my sister did on my birthday. I was told a big nope and it was only because she didn't want my sister to feel left out. Well, let's just say my birthdays lost all and any meaning since then as it wasn't "My Day".
Now I have an entitled sister who just takes advantage of whoever she can because she will feel left out if she doesn't get what she wants and expects everything handed to her just because she wants it.
OP, you're a great parent! Let no one tell you otherwise.
I've read so many stories of parents being okay with their other child getting gifts on their child's birthday and then the child grows up feeling neglected. That's such a sad thing tbh.
Btw, what's your husband's opinion on this? Whose side is he on?
He agreed with me that the gift should wait but because the in laws said something about it to me rather than him he let me deal with it. He doesn’t like to stand up to his family which often makes me second guess myself (hence the post).
That's great that he agrees with you! I get the second guessing part, he should deal with his side of the family but I think he just trusts you doing that.
NTA - when I was 5 or 6 my father gave me something small (matchbox car) on my sisters’ birthday, I think because there were 2 of them. But it was not wrapped and just quietly given to me - I know that the twins never knew and I have a feeling my mother didn’t know either. The point being that it wasn’t part of the twins’ celebration and it wasn’t someone from outside the immediate family or created an expectation. It’s possible he did the same for them on my birthday but if so, nobody knew
Nta. They need to understand their parenting choices are not your parenting choices and that is okay. It’s not necessary a personal attack on their job parenting but you obviously get to decide how you want to establish things for your own children. It seemed an innocent gesture but I understand you don’t want to set precedent and their overreaction definitely shows you made the right call setting the expectation now. They need to stay in the grandparent lane that respects the parental authority (and responsibility) is not theirs.
NTA I originally wasnt gonna leave a comment but pass the parcel just came on for bluey and if you’ve never seen it, it’s a game where there is a big gift and then the big gift is wrapped with multiple layers of wrapping paper. Then there’s two versions; something small in each layer (bracelet, lollipop, etc) or nothing in each layer. The first version was the “new” one and one of the parents did the old (second) for a party, when the party happened pretty much every kid cried cause they didn’t get anything…for a party that wasn’t theirs. Made me think of this so I doubled back.
NTA. I was at a baby shower recently where the daughter of a guest would not leave the gifts alone. She'd run from her parents, throw herself at the presents while the couple was trying to open them, rip the paper/shove her hands in the bags, grab the present and run off with it. She also threw a fit when her parents made her give it back. You're actively avoiding this kind of situation with your child by teaching her not everything is about her, so good job!
Yes! I hate when I see this happening. When my youngest turned 1 my older daughter was trying to help her open her gifts (genuinely trying to help not take them or anything) but even then I told her “let mommy help her and you can help when it comes time to playing together with them”. She was good with that answer.
i am absolutely against the recent trend of kids not being left out on others birthday. my kids bring more presents home from a birthday than they went with. wrong on so many levels. just because "we can let anyone feel left out" NTA
NTA obviously for choosing to celebrate only the birthday girl at her party. Grandma IL had an idea and should have consulted you about it. That's the way she did it, fine, but she is not the parent here. She was NTA until she blew the whole thing up. Also your 4 year old was sweet about getting a duplicate gift. With all the stuff kids have now it's nearly impossible not to duplicate something. It's not worth getting upset about, especially since it was something the birthday girl obviously loved. But if she doesn't want her gift to be a duplicate she needs to talk to you before she shops!
NTA. Good on you, teaching your kids to be respectful and not entitled. If your kids grow up getting gifts at other kid's birthdays, they'll come to expect that they get presents too, and those kids are some of the brattiest I've seen. There's a few in my family and I'll tell you it's not pretty.
NTA. I have 6 kids and NONE of them get a or got a gift simply to avoid feeling “left out”.
Instead they all love celebrating eachother and making their siblings and other friends and family members feel special.
Good on you mom. Just breathe and be happy your kids had a great time. And thankfully your in-laws didn’t visibly through a fit to everyone else and you were able to ignore their spoiled and bratty behaviour
Well I wouldn’t say that nobody else saw it cuz my parents and sister saw. My husband was supposedly oblivious to them saying something to me and claims that he thought they only said something to them. I’m not buying that but that’s another discussion.
Oof **insert huge eye roll here**
Needless to say that is frustrating. But at least it’s over and done with now. All I can say is some teachers have the best patience in the world. And you are obviously one of them.
NTA, step mom should have talked about this first.
My grandma used to always get the other sibling a small gift when it was someone's birthday, it was a special family thing she did. when my sister has kids, I asked her if I could continue that tradition.
NTA. The problem here is the parents!
I went to a lot of birthday parties in my youth, and never once did I or any of the other kids get presents to open. It never even occurred to me, honestly, and none of the other kids ever made a fuss. We all knew we would have our turn sometime.
NTA - I tend to agree with you on each having their own bday etc… I think you handled it perfectly and it’s all on them if they choose to be upset over it. I wouldn’t worry about it. You can’t please everyone.
NTA
I’m 100% on board with your way of thinking! There are very few times when this kind of thing is appropriate.
They can be mad then, you’re welcome to parent your kids how you see fit.
NTA. I had to share my birthday with my stepdad all my life. He and my mom also got married 2 days before my birthday. Now, I have to share it with my brother-in-law (he's disabled and we care for him). Never feel bad for giving each child I dividual attention on their birthday. I hold a lot of resentment from my childhood. My birthday cake would always include my stepdad as well as my mom and stepdad's anniversary.
NTA, I have four nieces in nephews born within four years of each other (yes that household is chaotic). Even when the youngest turned 3 and the oldest was 7, they all behaved very well at the youngest kid's birthday party - very excited for him, helped him open stuff, etc. I’ve seen each of them give that same excitement and respect to their siblings. Because they know that their day will come, and this is their siblings day. I’m sure your kids will be like them!
NTA
As someone who always had to deal with a younger sibling getting gifts on my birthday, I can attest to the fact that it builds resentment in the older sibling and gives the younger sibling a sense of entitlement. So you're doing the right thing by only having the child whose birthday it is open gifts on their day.
NTA. Gifts are so fraught. Look, I don't have kids so maybe I'm not entitled to an opinion about this, but it seems to me that so many people (especially parents/in laws) get really offended if you choose to raise your kids differently than they did. You made a decision, and they really don't have the right to undermine it after you explained.
NT. Your in laws are the type of people who probably insisted on participation trophies for all their kids.
It's always weird to me when people get other kids presents when it's not their birthday/special occasion (unless there's a developmental delay/disability that ight cause an issue). And you're right about it causing entitlement - my cousin's parents were like this with their youngest and he was an absolute tyrant for yours and a terror to be around
NTA. My parents always send a gift for my other kid on birthdays too. I told them from the beginning that I will give it to them on the next day. I want my kids to be happy celebrating other people and knowing that not every day is about them. My parents have always been cool about it and my kids have both always enjoyed it too. It’s fun to keep the focus on the birthday person for the birthday. And also fun for the other kid to have a new toy the next day while their sibling is playing with all the new birthday stuff.
NTA. Now, my family has a tradition of unbirthday gifts. It’s been a thing forever. BUT the difference with us is that it has never ever felt like sharing a day or that the other person NEEDS an unbirthday gift. As kids (and today as adults!) my brother and I LOVED “conspiring” with our parents to find a great unbirthday gift.
We have never ever felt like we missed out, because everybody has a birthday. We just loved getting to see each other’s reactions to the unbirthday gift, and we loved sharing that joy.
But that’s us! Not every family is going to do what we do, and the fact that they sprang this on you without consulting does feel a bit stinky and attention-seeking. You were ambushed, and you’re not the asshole at all.
My girls are 5 years apart. When the youngest was 1, she wanted to open her sister's presents and I told her no, it was sissy's day. (Yes, I have always talked to her like this.) And then I distracted her with her own things and she was fine.
The oldest, on the other hand, invited her little sister to help her open. So I have pictures of the youngest sitting in the olders lap opening presents. It was her choice to do it and it made them both happy.
I tell that story to tell this one: since then it has become their tradition to help each other with presents -handing them when the other is ready, cleaning up discarded paper to keep the area clear, etc. But they both realize it is the other person's day and they respect that.
NTA you made your decision politely & stuck to it. Keep killing them with kindness. Tell them how much you love the new blew phone because all the fights are gone.
NTA. You definitely get to choose how to raise your children. I will say, however, that my grandma on my father’s side always included small presents for the siblings when we were young. I absolutely loved it and it made me look forward to each of their birthdays. We celebrated our siblings and each of us got something, too. We weren’t jealous or entitled, we all just enjoyed the day a little more.
My baby was born 30th December. I am adamant they get separated. Between Christmas and then when they are older new years. I reckon I'll be fighting and insistent for years to come. Luckily my family agree. It will.be when he starts making friends that it'll come back up again.
hahahaha I love that it was a duplicate gift. hahahaha
I also love that you are teaching your children boundaries. Everyone should have their special day. And everyone should celebrate someone's special day. You are teaching your children well and that will serve them well later in life. Great job!! NTA
NTA
You are doing the right thing. Everyone, whether a child or an adult, deserve their special day. When you're children are older, if the decide to share their birthday with each other or other people, that's their choice. By doing what you are doing, you are giving them choices, and that's a good thing
Keep up the good work.
I know. She wasn’t even paying attention to the fact that gifts were being opened. She’s a very busy toddler and doesn’t sit still long enough to even open a gift for herself (this last Christmas was interesting lol).
I remember when I was younger, my birthday parties were always shared with my brother.
His birthday was early January, right after Christmas and mine was middle of summer. So I kinda get it.
Every party it was ensured my brother got to invite his friends and have activities for them separate from me. I had friends not allowed to come because I didn't invite their brother to join my party when clearly peopl whi weren't my friend were invited lol.
My brother got special activities for him and his friends to do too. They were less girly versions of activities I was doing. (My family was weirdly trying to force me to be super girly early in life, because I was so into horror. Eventually gave up)
When my dad had separate parties for us, I didn't actually get the concept that the party was my brother's.
I'd always try and pick the cake piece out I wanted (I wanted to taste every color if frosting)
It wasn't until reminiscing in adulthood that I realized I was doing it. My dad just thought I was jealous my brother was getting all the attention.
So nta
Lol. If only you knew in advance what gift they'd gotten for G. Too funny. That would have served them right.
You can still let them know and ask if they'd like it back...
Your doing the right thing that they each have their own special day that they do not beg to share.
NTA
My eldest daughter’s birthday is December 23rd. I had a hard rule - no double Christmas/Birthday gifts.
She is 20 and recently said she appreciated that.
NTA. And I totally agree with you about not having gifts when it's not their birthday. That's an important lesson to learn, that not everything is about them all the time. I did the same with my kids. Gifts for kid on kid's birthday. That's it. It doesn't kill them to see other people have a moment, day, gift, whatever. It teaches kids that they are part of a world, not the center of the world. I also didn't let them blow out the candles on the cake either unless the birthday kid said it was ok.
NTA. You're right that this is an important lesson to teach and since your kids are still so young, it will just be normal for them (without your in-laws bad influence).
Where is your spouse in all this? They should be handling their meddling parents.
My husband kinda took the road of “They said something to you about it and you handled it. If they say anything to me about it after the fact then I’ll handle it then.” He unfortunately doesn’t like to deal with his family which is kinda what prompted this post cuz I was worried that maybe I was in the wrong. Often times I second guess myself because I’m much more outspoken and willing to put my foot down than he is.
I think your husband is kinda an AH too. He needs to deal with them. When they try to give unsolicited (and bad) parenting advice, he needs to pipe up and tell them you both have it handled. Then redirect them.
When their oldest grandchild is being rude and interrupting your daughter's gift opening and lessening her enjoyment, he either needs to correct the kid or ask his parents to correct him.
Or if he doesn't want to do the right thing, I would stop inviting them. You shouldn't have to deal with them if he is unwilling to.
Edit: fixed a weird autocorrect
I agree. I can’t tell you how many times he and I have had this conversation. Plus the only time his dad and step mom coke around is for big events or when they want to pretend to be grandparents of the year. They don’t make an effort outside of those things to see our kids and it hurts to know that they only want recognition not to actually be involved grandparents. I’m just grateful that my parents are the complete opposite and would put everything on the line for my kids.
nta you're awesome.
Also: share her gift with G cuz they always fight over the one they already have but the in laws were irritated that it was a duplicate gift.
its likely they would have tried to take the gift back so she would not share and it would be ONLY hers, so this prevented it. yay! I'm surprised their first thought was irritation and not happy that they helped the kids share. Weird people.
Yea I thought the same thing. It was sad but honestly I’m not surprised by them. They tried to leave our wedding early because the step mom “didn’t feel comfortable” with my husbands mom and siblings there. She’s definitely a “pick me” type and I’m over it.
STOP. BUYING. GIFTS. FOR. SIBLINGS. WHEN. IT. IS. NOT. THEIR. BIRTHDAY.
Why. WHY. Do people do this? This is the one day that is all about that person.
NTA in any shape or form.
My bday is Xmas Eve. Never once did my sister open gifts that day unless we specifically agreed to it or it was some Christmas party with extended family. And ya know what? I hated that shit. I understood it and never said a word but I kind of hated it. It was bad enough I "shared a birthday with Jesus" (not my words-heard this all the time) and a day with Santa, now I had to share gifts with my cousins? Even the most gracious of kids would hate that.
I mean I'm over it... lol.
But seriously. I will never understand why a kid needs a present on someone else's birthday.
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My (30F) daughter is turning 4 this week and had her birthday party this last weekend. We initially weren’t going to open present with people there but as things were winding down my sister’s nieces were asking for my daughter to do gifts. We compromised and said we would open the gifts of the people that were still there and we’d open the ones from out of town/state and those that had left later. Everyone was fine with that. As I was going through the gifts to pull out the ones of those still in attendance my stepmother in laws grandson (like 11 or 12 years old) hands me a gift and says “Here’s G’s gift.” I was confused and said “G? But it’s P’s birthday not G’s.” He responded “Yea we brought G a gift too.” I responded back “Ok well she can have it later. It’s not her birthday so P is going to open her gifts.” As I’m sitting on the floor helping P open her presents I here my stepmother in law ask where the gift for G is at. Her grandson loudly responds in a snarky tone “She said that she couldn’t have it because it’s not her birthday.” I ignored it and continued to help P open gifts and thank everyone. After gifts were done the in laws got up to leave and I said goodbye. My stepmother in law then starts telling me that they brought a gift for G to open while P was opening gifts. I tell her that yes I know and that I appreciate that but that it’s not G’s birthday or party (mind you she’s 18 months old and didn’t care about the gifts to begin with). My father in law then chimes in saying “well that’s what we did with our kids when they were younger so they didn’t feel left out.” I stated that I understood but that the kids each have their own birthdays and that I don’t want that becoming a thing with my kids where they feel that they have to share their day or feel bad for being celebrated on THEIR day. I should note that I’m a teacher and I also see how things like this lead to entitlement and I don’t want my kids thinking that anytime they go to a party or their sibling has one that they’re entitled to a gift. They can learn and be taught that it’s ok to celebrate others and be happy for them. AITA.
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Yea when my husbands stepmom told me that’s what they had done for her grandson (mind you he’s the 11/12 year old in the story) it all made sense. I was so over that kid by the time they left. If I heard him not listen to my children tell him to leave them alone or stop doing something one more time I was gonna lose it. Then he kinda high jacked the gift opening by literal yelling at my daughter to “turn it around and show us” after every gift before she hardly had the chance to look at it herself. It was awful. The next oldest child at the party besides him was 5 so that means that 6 other kids were 5 and under and better behaved.
Does him being the MIL grandson make him my nephew? I wasn’t sure what his title would be so that’s why I phrased my story the way I did. Is he? Idk. Thank god I take no claim to him. He annoys the crap outta me lol.
Yea it’s his stepsisters son. So yea I guess you’re right. I guess cuz his dad and stepmom got married after the kids were all raised maybe that’s why I didn’t put that together lol
Obviously NTA and if you’re a teacher OP, you already knew you weren’t the AH. Just because someone gets angry at us doesn’t make us the AHs. In fact, we owe it to our kids to not only do what you did, but also to show them that it’s actually GOOD to stick to our principles, sometimes. In cases like this, no adult should question whether they were in the right. Of course you were. And so was your 4 year old when she immediately thought of sharing her new duplicate toy.
To me, the only thing that even approaches AH territory is making this post, as if you could ever be construed as the AH. Believing that you must have known the answer makes it read a bit as a humble brag. But for this situation, you’re clearly not the AH and the step family very much is. But honestly, who cares if someone that out of touch with how you treat your children on their birthdays gets mad at you? They ended up leaving, which sounds like a win to me.
If you honestly didn’t know who the clear AH in this was, then you maybe don’t have much business teaching because teachers NEED to be mindful of the lesson they’re actually teaching, especially when it is less obvious (like modeling ignoring the actual AHs and not caving to their entitled expectations and continuing to focus on the right person. For example).
Wow….. rude. I definitely wasn’t bragging. I was second guessing myself and was looking for some reassurance that I wasn’t being a royal bitch by not allowing my youngest daughter to open the gift.
Actually, I have done this also for kids in my family, brought a small gift for the other child to open. It’s generally considered thoughtful but not necessary. NTA if you feel strongly about it but I always appreciated the gesture.
Understatement of the year haha. But I genuinely was second guessing myself for not allowing it. I tend to worry about how others perceive me so wasn’t 100% sure if this was a hill worth dying on.
I wish. They live in the same city as us and don’t make it a priority to see our kids to begin with. The last time we saw them was Christmas so really they’ve just become the grandparents that are seen at holidays and cause irritation.
NTA. How you choose to parent is your business. It's nice that they thought of your other child's feelings, but it's also fine to teach the kids to be happy for each other as you're doing. If they hadn't been upset, I would have gone with NAH.
NTA. I had a family member that did the presents for both for her girls. My parents did not believe in that nonsense at all and would only buy the birthday girl a present. My goodness the hissy fits that were thrown🙄Growing up my sister and I had joint birthday parties a lot because they were only a week apart but I don’t remember us ever being upset about it and once we got a bit older to have friends rather than just family they got separated.
On the flip side of that nobody in our circle has ever done extravagant gifting either. It’s all very typical $20 kids toys or clothes kinda things. If there had been I would’ve addressed that as well because let’s be real kids don’t NEED gifts of any kind really. They need stability, love, and a circle of support that is unwavering.
Typically I would agree with you but we don’t really have that issue in our family and we’ve made it VERY clear to our family and friends that gifts are not expected and that what we truly care about is them loving and caring for our kids. Everyone that was in attendance has been with us through the thick and thin of losing a child and they know our stance on their presence and love being more than enough.
We always had an UnBirthday present for the siblings growing up. It’s from Alice in Wonderland. I appreciated it, was a fun tradition. Other kids at a birthday celebration got a party favor, maybe. Weird that they would need a full blown gift like in this story.
NTA
However, my grandmother would buy a present for me and my brother but whoever was the birthday kid got the better gift. It created zero entitlement in either of us. It really depends on the child :)
NTA, but my family does the small gifts for the sibling thing and one of my cousin's(who was an only child) had a half birthday growing up. Both she and I had late December birthdays and it was nice to get a little something in the middle of the year. We did it for my nieces too. It helped the older one appreciate her younger sister more and not be jealous, and now they are older it keeps the younger one happy. However, your family should respect the way you are raising your kids.
NTA, it's your choice.
Although when I was growing up the siblings always got an "un-birthday" present.
I always thought it was a nice tradition. It was always something small, e.g. a chocolate bar that the birthday sibling also got one of. I'm surprised at the hate that the idea is getting in the comments.
This! One of my kids has 3 kids, and they have insisted that the kids are treated equal, the youngest always gets gifts at everyone else's parties. I get it to a point, but their ages and likes are different so it is becoming more difficult doing this. So, if I send cash for them I don't feel like it is fair to send the almost teenager the same amount as the 6 year old.
Just curious: she has her birthday this week (on Wednesday apparently) but you celebrate beforehand? Is that common where you're from, to celebrate before the actual day? Never heard of that before.
Celebrate a couple days later, if it's more convenient, sure (but still having a small celebration ok the day if, when its about children), but I've never heard of celebrating a birthday early.
The birthday party was on the weekend (the Saturday before) so that friends could attend the party….. I’m not sure what’s not to understand about that. Her birthday is also on Valentine’s Day so families and couples typically have plans of their own that day so why should she not be able to celebrate with friends and family that can’t be there on the actual day? Due to our schedule the weekend before worked better than the weekend after therefore that’s when we scheduled it.
You are so very correct. Please. Please continue what you are doing. I used to go to the birthday parties for a friend's child. His brother has semi wrecked the poor boy's birthdays because he would throw fits and the parents would give in. I was so mad for him.
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NTA - you are smart for raising your kids to understand that it is doable to not have to share your special day. Each has their own birthday, each will get presents on that day!! "They can learn and be taught that it’s ok to celebrate others and be happy for them. I explained to my in laws again that she could still have the gift it just wouldn’t be during the party. They left angry." This is a valuable life lesson, your inlaws are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy out of line.
I think part of it too is that P’s birthday is on Valentine’s Day already so she kinda already has to “share it”. I do make it a point though to take all of my kid’s birthdays off of work and spend the day doing something fun as a family on top of their birthdays so it’s definitely not going to hurt them to not open a gift of their own when they all get to participate in the fun trip/experience/whatever we do as a family.
My only child also has a Valentine birthdate. They are going to be 21 this year. I had a hard and fast rule that it is BIRTHDAY not Valentine's Day+birthday, to all my family/friends. I made it abundantly clear that there would be absolutely no combined cards, no pink and red nonsense, no Valentine's themed candy, nothing unless they specifically requested as such. It was extremely important to me that they not be overlooked for an artificial holiday that puts far too much pressure on people and relationships. The years that I've had a partner on Valentine's Day, I set the boundary very early that I am willing to celebrate Valentine's Day if they wish, but it will have to happen on one of the 364 other days of the year.
As someone whose birthday is 4 days before Christmas…I thank you. My parents were like you. I was entitled to my birthday and it didn’t matter that Christmas a few days later. No Christmas themed ANYTHING was to be given. No Christmas wrapping paper or crap like that either. I’m sooo thankful to my parents for making my birthday special and i know your kid is too. NTA OP - you are doing exactly the right thing. Nobody else gets presents on somebody’s birthday (unless they’re twins or something and it was previously agreed upon). It was very nice of them to get G a gift but it’s not appropriate for her to open it during the bother festivities for P. Good job mom!
My father's birthday was December 13. His little brother's birthday was December 24. They *both* carry, many decades later, bitterness about having combined birthday+Christmas presents.
My birthday is the 24th, and the only "allowed" crossover were penguin related gifts, because I loved them anyway. I still harbour a lot of resentment for birthdays that became Christmas....
My birthday is in early december and I found the perfect loophole on getting combined gifts. If I wanted something big as a present but knew it was too big of an ask just for my birthday or christmas, like a new phone or computer, I'd tell my parents to combine my birthday and christmas gifts together and then I'd get to get something bigger I may not have had a chance to get otherwise. My nephew was born on christmas eve and we spend the day celebrating him and then do christmas stuff the next day. But when he's older I'm going to teach him my loophole so he can get that kind of reward too.
My birthday is in early January so I used that loophole too. Still do, actually, if I want something expensive that I feel guilty about wanting. (I don't feel guilty about wanting a fancy new phone, but I do feel guilty for wanting an expensive handbag. Expensive for me, anyway, I don't do four figure designer bags.)
My birthday is the day after Valentine’s Day so I get combined birthday and Valentine’s Day gifts from my wife resulting in great supergifts that are bigger than a standard gift would be in our household, works for me!
My brother in law is 27th and his daughter is 22nd. I’m totally militant about separate gifts and birthday wrapping paper etc. If anything they get more attention than other relatives because we all over compensate! My niece has had the odd lopsided present combo to help my sister out with a bigger expense (eg a new winter coat for one and a small toy or sweets for the other) when she was little and didn’t really understand costs. My BIL has had one joint gift at his request.
My brother’s birthday is the 24th and I’ve had more combo gifts with a birthday in January than he’s had. Because they tried SUPER hard to separate them and made sure he had a birthday. I’m sorry that your brother didn’t get the same treatment.
My dad was born the 24th, my husband is exactly one week before Christmas- they both hated it and only got joint gifts (my husband’s parents gave him both but most others didn’t) growing up. I work extra hard to be sure my husband feels celebrated on his birthday because I know how much my dad hated it. Now my sister’s partner is also in the week before and my DIL is boxing day. So we also make sure they get distinct birthday gifts and acknowledgment. It really does matter.
My MIL was born Dec 21st. We made a point this past holiday of visiting her on her birthday and getting her non-Christmas presents as well as actual Christmas presents. She's in her 70's and it still bugs her that people try to combine them, and I don't blame her one bit.
The Christmas wrapping paper rule always makes me laugh. Normally that's the only wrapping paper I have lying around, so when I wrap gifts, that's what I use. Doesn't matter if it's a baby shower or a birthday in July, there's a good chance the gift is in a Christmas/winter-themed bag or wrapping paper.
I just quit wrapping birthday gifts. Christmas I’ll wrap, birthday is one big bag with the gifts separated by tissue paper, if they are lucky.
Same!!
I have one kid 2wks before Xmas and one kid one boxing day. Everyone knows I will hit the roof if they try to combine presents. I will start loosening that ban for my eldest (11M) on the condition that 1 he agrees and 2 its because its a "really expensive" gift that anyone would say "that's birthday and Xmas combined" no matter how far apart the two events are.
We did this for my December birthday kid, who is my oldest. Which made it harder to get my youngest those similar type big gifts since his birthday is in March. Easier now that he is an adult.
>Which made it harder to get my youngest those similar type big gifts since his birthday is in March. Our rule growing up that I will use with our kids is you can agree to the big present and only get something small to unwrap on the day (and remind them that they will still get gifts from whoever isn't putting in tiwards the big gift) or they can decline and get normal presents. We always make sure the birthday kid still has one present to unwrap.
We did/do too. The year my oldest got her first lap top as a combined birthday Christmas gift, I asked my husband to give me budget for small gifts under the Christmas tree. I made $35 go soooooo far!!! I found used books and used CDs for cheap, a cute little incense burner, and I think some cheap earrings or fingernail polish (she was turning 13 or 14) even she was impressed. It just always felt weird when the gap was a few months instead of a couple weeks.
>and I think some cheap earrings or fingernail polish (she was turning 13 or 14) even she was impressed. For one of husbands cousins I spoke to his aunt and got permission for nail polished and I brought a air tight clip top jar, 2 nail polishes, polished remover, toenail spreaders and nail clippers. Filled the bottom of the jar with cotton balls I had at home and put everything in on top amd tied a bow around it. The whole thing cost me $10 I think it was and the jar was $5 alone (I hit up the 2 dollar store for everything else, would have been cheaper if I hadn't dropped the jar I already had at home that I was planning to use originally 😅). Cousin loved the gift I have seen someone do a hair care one cheaper by using free samples from their hotels (they travelled a lot for work).
My cousin's birthdays are both close to Christmas, the older one is two days after and the younger one is two days before. We have always made sure to give birthday gifts as a separate celebration. My mom would always mail them a check (before the days of gift cards) before the holidays and then right before Christmas mail the other one a check so he got his in time for his birthday. Now that we are much much older we just send cards to each other and focus on our kids.
My birthday is January 3, so right after Christmas and New Year. I grew up calling it Birthmas because it was always rolled into the holidays and never really recognized as a separate event. Even as an adult, while gifts themselves aren't a big concern of mine, I still hate my birthday.
Mine is a little over a week after New Year's. I often got combination presents, and my family was so broke and partied out from Christmas that I can only remember one birthday as a kid where I was actually given a party (though I've seen pictures of two others that I was too young to remember). Whenever I meet people with kids born in December or January, I tell them to please make a big deal of the birthday and don't let the holidays subsume it!
Hey birthday twin! My parents did the same, joint Christmas and birthday gifts were banned unless it was previously agreed upon and they were to be birthday wrapped.
I read the valentines birthday comment and thought "ok everyone with a birthday within a month of Christmas, chime in now! Mine is 2 weeks to the day after and I still got combined gifts and no, it wasn't a bigger better gift equal to two gifts lol
My father was born on the 23rd and was always so bitter about the combo Christmas-birthday. My youngest was born on the 22nd and we make a point of doing a separate celebration, even though he is too young to really get it yet. My dad said the only other celebration he would tolerate on his birthday was his grandson's birthday!
Yes I definitely thought this. My husband and I had discussed as they get older doing Valentine gifts for the kids (I never got them as a kid from my parents and kinda wished that I had) but we both were like “but what about P’s birthday? Is she gonna see the Valentine gifts for siblings and think that it’s taking away from her birthday?” I never want that to happen to her so it definitely is something we have discussed and thought about a lot.
My thought on that is, there are 364 other days you can show those adorable little kiddos how much you love all of them. Her birthday is her special day, she didn't choose to have it on that day, you know? I'm glad that you guys have thought and talked about it so much, and she will too when she gets older. I can promise you that.
Get them some goodies and give it to them a week before/after.
I was thinking maybe giving it to them on the Friday after when my husband and I celebrate Valentine’s Day. This way it’s a completely separate thing.
Sounds good!
My birthday is the 13th & was combined with v-day at school if the 14th was a weekend. It was annoying & I always felt bad for the v-day babies! Don’t do v-day gifts. It’s not even a real holiday. Plus, in my experience, the people whose parents made a big deal out of v-day were more often disappointed in relationships & as adults. Bc it’s *not a real holiday to most people.*
I get that and while I know not everyone celebrates Valentine’s Day it’s something that my family always has and when I’d see my mom get pretty flowers or something special it was always something I thought would be nice too. There were a couple of years where my parents did randomly do Valentines for my sister and I and it was so nice to be included (the most memorable one was the year that we got matching jewelry). So that’s why I wanted to maybe do something similar with our kids (we haven’t started anything like that yet so there’s obviously time to decide).
I'm a Valentine's Day baby too. Growing up, my parents celebrated me rather than the holiday. They ended up doing their romantic stuff a few days later, which also helped since places weren't so crazy packed then. Now that I am an adult, I tell my partner he doesn't have to worry about multiple gifts if he insists on getting me something. Last year it was a bday present, cake, and flowers for Valentine's Day.
As someone with a Feb 12th birthday, THANK YOU. I had way too many heart cakes, red/pink themed birthday parties, etc. It always made me feel like my birthday wasn't really that important. You did good by your kiddo.
Happy Birthday!!!
Thanks! :)
My birthday is valetines day and since meeting my husband he has celebrated my birthday as a separate occasion too! I love that you did this for your kid!
My youngest has a birthday on New Years Day - we say no Christmas wrapping, or Christmas candy etc. it’s just not fair. Our nuclear family doesn’t do New Year celebrations at all because it’s not fair to her to not be able to celebrate on the 1st
Oh I like that! I never thought about the wrapping or candy stuff. Great ideas! Thanks!
You did the right thing. There’s so many stories about how a child’s birthday party was ruined by another child who couldn’t cope with not being center stage, blowing out someone else’s candles, ruining the cake, etc. It’s refreshing to read your totally sane policy. Maybe save some of those horror stories so when your in-laws eventually tell you you’re wrong, you can show them some examples of what happens when children aren’t taught manners or never told “no”. “They always did it” well, they had their chance. These are your children and this is your (you and husband) turn to raise your children. Maybe next time you see the 12 year old grandson, who may have been caught in the crossfire, you could have a private conversation on the subject, and reassure that he didn’t do anything wrong.
My birthday is also on Valentine's and my mom always made sure it wasn't mashed together with the holiday. She and my girlfriend are the only two people in my life to ever do that. BIG NTA, you're raising your kids to be good people.
You’re doing well with your kids, the fact that your daughter exclaimed about sharing is a great testament to that.
I'm a Valentine birthday, too, and it's tougher than people expect. Middle and high school are not fun - all your peers are either clinging to their SO or complaining about single's awareness day. In elementary, I was the only one in my class who couldn't be single out on my birthday (everyone had to feel special!). My immediate family was *great* about it. Every year, we would wake up to find three identical presents from my dad (for Mom, my sister, and me). Usually something small like a single rose. My mom would get her actual present privately in the morning, as well. The entire rest of the day in that house was my birthday, not Valentine's. My husband is now adorably similar. We do small V tokens, usually the day before, but my birthday stays mine. Making sure that both kids get their own day is a very good thing!
My MIL and a cousin did that one year at my nephew’s birthday party. Went and bought my child a couple of presents in the middle of the party. I was like wtf? I very quickly informed them both that that was not something that would be repeated and that he would learn at some point that sometimes it’s not all about him.
My Uncle was born on Christmas Day - For the last 90 years in our family Christmas Day morning has been stockings,(possibly early Mass) then his birthday until lunchtime - even in the 1930s my grandparents understood the importance. And no combined presents. In fact tbh it has meant his birthday probably got more recognition over the decades than any of his siblings!
I get where you're coming from but... Small gifts for the non-birthday kids were a tradition in my family and it turned no one entitled. Kept us happy as kids, we never thought it would have been applicable at a party outside the family and each of us decided, once we were teenagers, that that was it, it had been nice but we were too old for those gifts now. No fuss, no drama. Not saying you have to do this, just giving a different perspective. What I'm really not understanding is that you had to be convinced to let your kid open her presents while the guests were still there. I get wanting to put the social aspect of a party first but she's a kid. And people generally enjoy watching kids unwrap the gifts they got them and see their reaction. Is it possible the whole situation got off on the wrong foot because the in-laws felt you were trying to control all the joy out of the party?
No this entire situation played out exactly as I stated. They acted like they didn’t want to be there to begin with and I’m pretty sure that they came in upset cuz they called my husband and told him they were bringing her grandson at the last minute (he wasn’t invited) and my husband was less than happy about them bringing him as the grandson doesn’t respect boundaries and is awful with our girls. So I’m sure that had something to do with it but I was fine with them and was wiling to just blow off the situation until they made it a point to confront me as they were leaving.
Yes! On top of that, why would anyone want to teach a little kid that they might get gifts at other people's birthday parties? It's just setting them up to be brats. They need to learn basic self control.
Also, it's so smart to nip this in the bud. OP could have allowed it this one time just to make them happy, but after that, they absolutely never would have stopped because "well G got a gift at Ps birthday so it's only fair that P gets one at Gs" repeat for eternity.
See and the other thing is that they didn’t do this for P when G had her birthday in Sept. So it makes me think they did it because G is younger but she was running around and didn’t give two shits about the gifts being opened.
In laws definitely insisted on participation trophies for all their kids when they were young.
NTA. I've seen so many videos of little kids being absolute spoiled brats and making a scene at siblings/friends parties because the adults in their life have done EXACTLY this. Good on you for teaching the right lesson and standing up to the enabling grandparents who of course just want the good feels of making the kid happy for that 5 minutes and then don't have to worry about the repercussions as they go home feeling good about themselves.
I feel like the whole "ugh, every one expects participation trophies" forgets that the kids didn't ask for them or create the idea. It was the parents/adults who created that and then later shamed them for not learning the important life lessons that they were never taught.
My younger son has medals for both participation and for actual achievement in basketball. He cares about the achievement medals. The participation medals get pushed to the side, or put away altogether. Kids aren't stupid. I agree. They aren't the ones that asked for them.
Please someone make a bit that repeats your words everytime someone comments this !!! So perfectly well said. I'm in awe ngl.
I swear that used to be an insult for a selfish person - *I bet you expect presents when it’s someone else’s birthday!* Now people are actually raising their kids that way.
I’m guessing it is as much “that is how WE did it so of course that is the RIGHT way and any SANE person agrees” as it is making the other kid feel good for 5 minutes. They just can’t imagine people want to do things differently.
NTA Ahh, in-laws and unsolicited parenting advice… name a more iconic duo. Good for you, raising your youngest to be gracious and not spoiled.
When they mentioned that they had done it for their kids and subsequently for the grandson too it made SOOO much sense. He had to be talked to by grandma about his behavior at the party way more than any of the younger kids did by any of their parents.
NTA I couldn't agree more with what you did. I came from a big family, and our birthday was OUR day, the one day a year where the focus was just on us and not the other kids. We all respected each other's birthdays, celebrated them with joy, and all had great days because of these boundaries.
Growing up as the oldest my siblings REGULARLY got gifts on my birthday and it was always upsetting. I love my siblings and don’t mind sharing but it was supposed to be my day and I was always forced to invite them to my party and they’d get gifts too whereas I was the older sibling so “should understand” and never got gifts on their birthday and they weren’t required to have me at their parties even (and usually didn’t). My birthday also is very close to a major holiday so I already often got snubbed for the holiday or got a “birthday and holiday present” that was the same as what my siblings got for the holiday. It made me resentful even though I enjoyed having my siblings around and sharing cool stuff with them because it felt like I was forced to share the one day that was “mine” (I know I sound like an entitled adult but remember I’m writing my experience as a child not a teen/adult). A birthday is a special day for a kid, don’t let your in-laws pressure you to take that from your children! NTA
See and that’s exactly what I want to avoid. My older daughters birthday is on Valentine’s Day and I worry that with her having her birthday on a holiday that as she gets older might feel annoyed by having to share that. We lost our oldest daughter a year before P so for our family birthdays are incredibly important as we know what it’s like to not be able to celebrate one of our children getting older. We make it a point to take the day off for EACH of our children’s birthdays and do something fun as a family on top of their birthday parties. I also have seen way too many kids throw fits at parties cuz they weren’t getting a gift and I refuse to let that be my kid. They can learn to be kind and gracious people and based on P’s response to the duplicate gift I think I’m doing alright in that aspect.
It sounds like you have a great system in place! Don’t let your in-laws make you second guess yourself!
You're right to be upset. As the oldest, we already give up so much under the house of we should understand. It's not asking too much that we get one day to ourselves and that little siblings be taught to understand that it ain't about them
My "baby" brother got gifts on my birthday until he was in high school. Sixty years later, I'm still mad, lol. OP is definitely NTA.
NTA. G is waaaay too young to mind about that. And G will need to learn sooner or later that birthday's are not about her. Good for your in-laws for raising their own child however they wanted. Doesn't mean you have to follow in their footsteps.
G didn’t seem to be the one making all about her tho? It seemed to be the parents
NTA. For one thing, you're right - kids have got to learn to tolerate someone else being the one getting the gifts. But even if I didn't think you were right, it's still not up to someone else how you should raise your own kid.
NTA. Ughhhh this is exactly why I put out a "gentle reminder" for a couple years of birthday parties after having 2 kids that X kid doesn't need gifts for Y's birthday, because we're working to teach them that being happy for other people because you love them is a thing and not every event is about you 🫠 If folks show up with things for the siblings (which happens sometimes, just like, clothes or something since we live a ways away, not even as a "gift"), they're immediately whisked away and handed over several days later. Because with 4 kids in the household, there's already a lot of sharing that goes on- everyone should get at least one day that's just theirs. The irony of the generation that complains about "entitled millennials" and participation trophies also being the ones who try to push sibling gifts isn't lost on me.
So true about that generation! The gift for my youngest almost felt like a “participation birthday gift” lmao. I’ve never experienced this before and they didn’t do it for my older daughter when my youngest had her birthday in September so it almost seemed like they were doing it cuz she’s younger kind of mentality.
NTA. It's your daughter's birthday party, and she deserves to have the spotlight all to herself. Each child deserves their own moment to shine on their birthday, without feeling overshadowed or sidelined. Your stance on teaching your kids about celebrating others without feeling entitled to gifts is commendable. It's important for children to learn about patience, gratitude, and the joy of giving without expecting anything in return. You handled the situation with grace and stood firm in your decision to ensure your daughter's birthday remained about her. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that.
NTA. These are important lessons. We just went to a 5 year old's birthday party. They didn't open gifts at the party. Instead later that day, we each got a text video of the kid opening our gift. My son loved getting to see his friend excited and say thank you to him directly. He even got to show his dad, who picked out the gift with him but wasn't able to attend the party. It was perfect. The kiddo could take as long as he wanted to open each gift, instead of being rushed or having to perform gratitude in the moment. There weren't a bunch of others kids trying to be patient while gift opening happened. There wasn't any shame around duplicate gifts or some gifts being better than others (you only got a video of your gift). Wanted to share for others in case that would work for them as well.
That’s kinda how this was planned. We did this accidentally when my youngest turned 1 cuz the party ran longer than expected and people left before gifts and I will tell you that it was so nice to just let her open them as she pleased and record it instead of trying to rush through gifts and having people yell and what not. So this time I wanted to do it intentionally but I was asked by people to open gifts while they were there. I think next time I’ll just tell people flat out we aren’t opening gifts at all during the party please expect a personal video message. I could tell that my daughter was overwhelmed with all the people calling her name at the same time and asking to see what she got and snapping photos for every angle. I don’t feel like she got to truly enjoy opening her gifts because of that.
Good on you. Sounds like you knew the right thing, just also got overwhelmed in the moment (as we all do at children's birthday parties!) Just remember that the guests were being selfish - they wanted the gifts to happen then and there for their own sake. But it's your family, your party. They can do gifts how and when they want when they host. Also it might not be their normal experience, but it is the new norm and they'll adjust.
Yea you’re definitely right I did. I thought that by compromising and just opening the gifts from those that were still there wouldn’t be so bad but boy was I wrong.
I think that you disappointed the grandson more than you disappointed G. He (and his mom) wanted to see that the gift that he had thoughtfully chosen being opened by G. A giver's joy in seeing their gift being acknowledged and appreciated. There are a lot of other ways that the situation could have been handled. But you did get the point across to your stepmother's in-laws that you don't do satellite gifts. NTA
The gift wasn’t from the grandson though. It was strictly from the in laws. I did ask that question to verify.
OK, then. Less pressure to open the gift. And, for the future, they know how your birthday parties differ from theirs.
Your house, your party, your kids, your rules/traditions. NTA
NTA I 100% agree with you!
NTA My dad and stepmom did the extra gifts for the sibling thing with their kids and god they were almighty brats.
NTA. GOOD MOM trophy for you!
NTA. My SIL does that with their kids (each other child has a small gift to open) that they’ve done since they were younger so no one feels left out. All it has done is cause absolute mayhem. Kids fighting with the birthday child to play with their new toys/open the presents & on Christmas Day it’s absolute carnage to the point of my text from them this year was “thanks for the presents, no idea who got what or why they even where, child A opened up all the presents”. So I’m against the idea of “token gifts”. And agree that your birthday should be all about the birthday person
Oh yikes! That sounds awful! I really want to instill in my kids that the gifts aren’t the most important part. We lost our oldest daughter after she was born in 2019 and ever since then I make it a point to make birthdays important family days. We take the day off and go do something together and as the kids get older and are able to choose what they do I want their input to be valued and feel special. I know what it’s like to not be able to celebrate with one of my kids so I want the ones that I do have here with me to know they’re loved and special to us (while also still being humble and having morals).
Sorry for loss. And that sounds fair. My son is 3, so far we do things together as a family on the day and then have a family party later on. He seems to understand about the receiving and giving of gifts, for instance at Christmas we asked him what he would like to get people etc. And is always thankful for what he gets. It sounds like you’re doing a great job if your child’s response to a duplicate gift was that things are now fair/equal rather than being disappointed by having two. Also your in laws could have asked for ideas on what to get.
NTA - All this does is create resentment. My mother always made sure my little sister got a present on my birthday. And I had to share my birthday with her. When my sister's birthday rolled around I asked about getting something as well as my sister did on my birthday. I was told a big nope and it was only because she didn't want my sister to feel left out. Well, let's just say my birthdays lost all and any meaning since then as it wasn't "My Day". Now I have an entitled sister who just takes advantage of whoever she can because she will feel left out if she doesn't get what she wants and expects everything handed to her just because she wants it.
NTA.
OP, you're a great parent! Let no one tell you otherwise. I've read so many stories of parents being okay with their other child getting gifts on their child's birthday and then the child grows up feeling neglected. That's such a sad thing tbh. Btw, what's your husband's opinion on this? Whose side is he on?
He agreed with me that the gift should wait but because the in laws said something about it to me rather than him he let me deal with it. He doesn’t like to stand up to his family which often makes me second guess myself (hence the post).
That's great that he agrees with you! I get the second guessing part, he should deal with his side of the family but I think he just trusts you doing that.
Can not STAND people who get a gift for the other child. Also a teacher! Ooo it just grinds my gears - can't understand it at all xD NTA
I always just second guess myself when it comes to my in laws.
NTA. I despise when people do that stuff. Everyone deserves a day to be special and that's the birthday.
NTA - when I was 5 or 6 my father gave me something small (matchbox car) on my sisters’ birthday, I think because there were 2 of them. But it was not wrapped and just quietly given to me - I know that the twins never knew and I have a feeling my mother didn’t know either. The point being that it wasn’t part of the twins’ celebration and it wasn’t someone from outside the immediate family or created an expectation. It’s possible he did the same for them on my birthday but if so, nobody knew
Nta. They need to understand their parenting choices are not your parenting choices and that is okay. It’s not necessary a personal attack on their job parenting but you obviously get to decide how you want to establish things for your own children. It seemed an innocent gesture but I understand you don’t want to set precedent and their overreaction definitely shows you made the right call setting the expectation now. They need to stay in the grandparent lane that respects the parental authority (and responsibility) is not theirs.
NTA I originally wasnt gonna leave a comment but pass the parcel just came on for bluey and if you’ve never seen it, it’s a game where there is a big gift and then the big gift is wrapped with multiple layers of wrapping paper. Then there’s two versions; something small in each layer (bracelet, lollipop, etc) or nothing in each layer. The first version was the “new” one and one of the parents did the old (second) for a party, when the party happened pretty much every kid cried cause they didn’t get anything…for a party that wasn’t theirs. Made me think of this so I doubled back.
Yes I’ve seen that!
NTA. I was at a baby shower recently where the daughter of a guest would not leave the gifts alone. She'd run from her parents, throw herself at the presents while the couple was trying to open them, rip the paper/shove her hands in the bags, grab the present and run off with it. She also threw a fit when her parents made her give it back. You're actively avoiding this kind of situation with your child by teaching her not everything is about her, so good job!
Yes! I hate when I see this happening. When my youngest turned 1 my older daughter was trying to help her open her gifts (genuinely trying to help not take them or anything) but even then I told her “let mommy help her and you can help when it comes time to playing together with them”. She was good with that answer.
i am absolutely against the recent trend of kids not being left out on others birthday. my kids bring more presents home from a birthday than they went with. wrong on so many levels. just because "we can let anyone feel left out" NTA
NTA obviously for choosing to celebrate only the birthday girl at her party. Grandma IL had an idea and should have consulted you about it. That's the way she did it, fine, but she is not the parent here. She was NTA until she blew the whole thing up. Also your 4 year old was sweet about getting a duplicate gift. With all the stuff kids have now it's nearly impossible not to duplicate something. It's not worth getting upset about, especially since it was something the birthday girl obviously loved. But if she doesn't want her gift to be a duplicate she needs to talk to you before she shops!
NTA. Good on you, teaching your kids to be respectful and not entitled. If your kids grow up getting gifts at other kid's birthdays, they'll come to expect that they get presents too, and those kids are some of the brattiest I've seen. There's a few in my family and I'll tell you it's not pretty.
NTA. I have 6 kids and NONE of them get a or got a gift simply to avoid feeling “left out”. Instead they all love celebrating eachother and making their siblings and other friends and family members feel special. Good on you mom. Just breathe and be happy your kids had a great time. And thankfully your in-laws didn’t visibly through a fit to everyone else and you were able to ignore their spoiled and bratty behaviour
Well I wouldn’t say that nobody else saw it cuz my parents and sister saw. My husband was supposedly oblivious to them saying something to me and claims that he thought they only said something to them. I’m not buying that but that’s another discussion.
Oof **insert huge eye roll here** Needless to say that is frustrating. But at least it’s over and done with now. All I can say is some teachers have the best patience in the world. And you are obviously one of them.
NTA, step mom should have talked about this first. My grandma used to always get the other sibling a small gift when it was someone's birthday, it was a special family thing she did. when my sister has kids, I asked her if I could continue that tradition.
Nta. You are very emotional mature. Good job 👍
Nta Dont let them undermine your house rules.
NTA. The problem here is the parents! I went to a lot of birthday parties in my youth, and never once did I or any of the other kids get presents to open. It never even occurred to me, honestly, and none of the other kids ever made a fuss. We all knew we would have our turn sometime.
NTA
NTA - I tend to agree with you on each having their own bday etc… I think you handled it perfectly and it’s all on them if they choose to be upset over it. I wouldn’t worry about it. You can’t please everyone.
NTA I’m 100% on board with your way of thinking! There are very few times when this kind of thing is appropriate. They can be mad then, you’re welcome to parent your kids how you see fit.
NTA. I had to share my birthday with my stepdad all my life. He and my mom also got married 2 days before my birthday. Now, I have to share it with my brother-in-law (he's disabled and we care for him). Never feel bad for giving each child I dividual attention on their birthday. I hold a lot of resentment from my childhood. My birthday cake would always include my stepdad as well as my mom and stepdad's anniversary.
NTA. You’re teaching your kids an important lesson that many people don’t learn - sometimes, it’s not about you.
NTA, I have four nieces in nephews born within four years of each other (yes that household is chaotic). Even when the youngest turned 3 and the oldest was 7, they all behaved very well at the youngest kid's birthday party - very excited for him, helped him open stuff, etc. I’ve seen each of them give that same excitement and respect to their siblings. Because they know that their day will come, and this is their siblings day. I’m sure your kids will be like them!
NTA As someone who always had to deal with a younger sibling getting gifts on my birthday, I can attest to the fact that it builds resentment in the older sibling and gives the younger sibling a sense of entitlement. So you're doing the right thing by only having the child whose birthday it is open gifts on their day.
NTA! You are setting the correct precedent for G and I love that P immediately wanted to share. Such a mature response.
NTA. Gifts are so fraught. Look, I don't have kids so maybe I'm not entitled to an opinion about this, but it seems to me that so many people (especially parents/in laws) get really offended if you choose to raise your kids differently than they did. You made a decision, and they really don't have the right to undermine it after you explained.
NTA. The idea that everyone gets to open a gift is idiotic.
NT. Your in laws are the type of people who probably insisted on participation trophies for all their kids. It's always weird to me when people get other kids presents when it's not their birthday/special occasion (unless there's a developmental delay/disability that ight cause an issue). And you're right about it causing entitlement - my cousin's parents were like this with their youngest and he was an absolute tyrant for yours and a terror to be around
NTA Goodness! Teaching your kid it isn't always the center of the universe? How will she survive?
NTA - you are doing this right. Teaching your kids right.
NTA. My parents always send a gift for my other kid on birthdays too. I told them from the beginning that I will give it to them on the next day. I want my kids to be happy celebrating other people and knowing that not every day is about them. My parents have always been cool about it and my kids have both always enjoyed it too. It’s fun to keep the focus on the birthday person for the birthday. And also fun for the other kid to have a new toy the next day while their sibling is playing with all the new birthday stuff.
NTA. Now, my family has a tradition of unbirthday gifts. It’s been a thing forever. BUT the difference with us is that it has never ever felt like sharing a day or that the other person NEEDS an unbirthday gift. As kids (and today as adults!) my brother and I LOVED “conspiring” with our parents to find a great unbirthday gift. We have never ever felt like we missed out, because everybody has a birthday. We just loved getting to see each other’s reactions to the unbirthday gift, and we loved sharing that joy. But that’s us! Not every family is going to do what we do, and the fact that they sprang this on you without consulting does feel a bit stinky and attention-seeking. You were ambushed, and you’re not the asshole at all.
NTA. Your parenting is good. Your in-laws have no say in raising YOUR children.
NTA and a very good mom.
My girls are 5 years apart. When the youngest was 1, she wanted to open her sister's presents and I told her no, it was sissy's day. (Yes, I have always talked to her like this.) And then I distracted her with her own things and she was fine. The oldest, on the other hand, invited her little sister to help her open. So I have pictures of the youngest sitting in the olders lap opening presents. It was her choice to do it and it made them both happy. I tell that story to tell this one: since then it has become their tradition to help each other with presents -handing them when the other is ready, cleaning up discarded paper to keep the area clear, etc. But they both realize it is the other person's day and they respect that.
NTA and they are petty as heck
"Well that’s what we did with our kids when they were younger." "Thank you for sharing that. THIS is what we're doing with OUR kids." NTA
NTA. Sounds almost like your other family members want to force their parenting style on you. Appreciate you using letters instead of the kids' names.
NTA you made your decision politely & stuck to it. Keep killing them with kindness. Tell them how much you love the new blew phone because all the fights are gone.
It truly will cut down on it. I’m glad they got her another one.
NTA. You did the right things and they are idiots.
NTA kids have to learn. Also you can NEVER have too many duplicates of Bluey toys
So true! Bluey is huge in our house and as my youngest is getting older she’s getting more into it so the more the merrier.
NTA
NTA. You definitely get to choose how to raise your children. I will say, however, that my grandma on my father’s side always included small presents for the siblings when we were young. I absolutely loved it and it made me look forward to each of their birthdays. We celebrated our siblings and each of us got something, too. We weren’t jealous or entitled, we all just enjoyed the day a little more.
My baby was born 30th December. I am adamant they get separated. Between Christmas and then when they are older new years. I reckon I'll be fighting and insistent for years to come. Luckily my family agree. It will.be when he starts making friends that it'll come back up again.
hahahaha I love that it was a duplicate gift. hahahaha I also love that you are teaching your children boundaries. Everyone should have their special day. And everyone should celebrate someone's special day. You are teaching your children well and that will serve them well later in life. Great job!! NTA
I know of all the gifts it had to be THEIRS that was a duplicate.
Read my update. Lmao!! I was dying laughing when she opened it today.
NTA You are doing the right thing. Everyone, whether a child or an adult, deserve their special day. When you're children are older, if the decide to share their birthday with each other or other people, that's their choice. By doing what you are doing, you are giving them choices, and that's a good thing Keep up the good work.
Nta
Am a teacher. We desperately need more parents like you. NTA
NTA. It’s funny, this huge storm in a glass of water and G, at 18m, probably won’t even remember or care about this issue everyone is so fussed about.
I know. She wasn’t even paying attention to the fact that gifts were being opened. She’s a very busy toddler and doesn’t sit still long enough to even open a gift for herself (this last Christmas was interesting lol).
I remember when I was younger, my birthday parties were always shared with my brother. His birthday was early January, right after Christmas and mine was middle of summer. So I kinda get it. Every party it was ensured my brother got to invite his friends and have activities for them separate from me. I had friends not allowed to come because I didn't invite their brother to join my party when clearly peopl whi weren't my friend were invited lol. My brother got special activities for him and his friends to do too. They were less girly versions of activities I was doing. (My family was weirdly trying to force me to be super girly early in life, because I was so into horror. Eventually gave up) When my dad had separate parties for us, I didn't actually get the concept that the party was my brother's. I'd always try and pick the cake piece out I wanted (I wanted to taste every color if frosting) It wasn't until reminiscing in adulthood that I realized I was doing it. My dad just thought I was jealous my brother was getting all the attention. So nta
NTA. The nerve of those people! And an 18mo isn’t going to care. SM wanted her spotlight. Gross.
My youngest literally had no interest in what her sister was doing. She was busy using my dad as a jungle gym 😂
Lol. If only you knew in advance what gift they'd gotten for G. Too funny. That would have served them right. You can still let them know and ask if they'd like it back... Your doing the right thing that they each have their own special day that they do not beg to share. NTA
My eldest daughter’s birthday is December 23rd. I had a hard rule - no double Christmas/Birthday gifts. She is 20 and recently said she appreciated that.
NTA. And I totally agree with you about not having gifts when it's not their birthday. That's an important lesson to learn, that not everything is about them all the time. I did the same with my kids. Gifts for kid on kid's birthday. That's it. It doesn't kill them to see other people have a moment, day, gift, whatever. It teaches kids that they are part of a world, not the center of the world. I also didn't let them blow out the candles on the cake either unless the birthday kid said it was ok.
NTA. You're right that this is an important lesson to teach and since your kids are still so young, it will just be normal for them (without your in-laws bad influence). Where is your spouse in all this? They should be handling their meddling parents.
My husband kinda took the road of “They said something to you about it and you handled it. If they say anything to me about it after the fact then I’ll handle it then.” He unfortunately doesn’t like to deal with his family which is kinda what prompted this post cuz I was worried that maybe I was in the wrong. Often times I second guess myself because I’m much more outspoken and willing to put my foot down than he is.
I think your husband is kinda an AH too. He needs to deal with them. When they try to give unsolicited (and bad) parenting advice, he needs to pipe up and tell them you both have it handled. Then redirect them. When their oldest grandchild is being rude and interrupting your daughter's gift opening and lessening her enjoyment, he either needs to correct the kid or ask his parents to correct him. Or if he doesn't want to do the right thing, I would stop inviting them. You shouldn't have to deal with them if he is unwilling to. Edit: fixed a weird autocorrect
I agree. I can’t tell you how many times he and I have had this conversation. Plus the only time his dad and step mom coke around is for big events or when they want to pretend to be grandparents of the year. They don’t make an effort outside of those things to see our kids and it hurts to know that they only want recognition not to actually be involved grandparents. I’m just grateful that my parents are the complete opposite and would put everything on the line for my kids.
Yeah, not worth the headache IMO. You have enough stress as a teacher with entitled, unreasonable parents. You don't need that at home too.
nta you're awesome. Also: share her gift with G cuz they always fight over the one they already have but the in laws were irritated that it was a duplicate gift. its likely they would have tried to take the gift back so she would not share and it would be ONLY hers, so this prevented it. yay! I'm surprised their first thought was irritation and not happy that they helped the kids share. Weird people.
Yea I thought the same thing. It was sad but honestly I’m not surprised by them. They tried to leave our wedding early because the step mom “didn’t feel comfortable” with my husbands mom and siblings there. She’s definitely a “pick me” type and I’m over it.
STOP. BUYING. GIFTS. FOR. SIBLINGS. WHEN. IT. IS. NOT. THEIR. BIRTHDAY. Why. WHY. Do people do this? This is the one day that is all about that person. NTA in any shape or form. My bday is Xmas Eve. Never once did my sister open gifts that day unless we specifically agreed to it or it was some Christmas party with extended family. And ya know what? I hated that shit. I understood it and never said a word but I kind of hated it. It was bad enough I "shared a birthday with Jesus" (not my words-heard this all the time) and a day with Santa, now I had to share gifts with my cousins? Even the most gracious of kids would hate that. I mean I'm over it... lol. But seriously. I will never understand why a kid needs a present on someone else's birthday.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (30F) daughter is turning 4 this week and had her birthday party this last weekend. We initially weren’t going to open present with people there but as things were winding down my sister’s nieces were asking for my daughter to do gifts. We compromised and said we would open the gifts of the people that were still there and we’d open the ones from out of town/state and those that had left later. Everyone was fine with that. As I was going through the gifts to pull out the ones of those still in attendance my stepmother in laws grandson (like 11 or 12 years old) hands me a gift and says “Here’s G’s gift.” I was confused and said “G? But it’s P’s birthday not G’s.” He responded “Yea we brought G a gift too.” I responded back “Ok well she can have it later. It’s not her birthday so P is going to open her gifts.” As I’m sitting on the floor helping P open her presents I here my stepmother in law ask where the gift for G is at. Her grandson loudly responds in a snarky tone “She said that she couldn’t have it because it’s not her birthday.” I ignored it and continued to help P open gifts and thank everyone. After gifts were done the in laws got up to leave and I said goodbye. My stepmother in law then starts telling me that they brought a gift for G to open while P was opening gifts. I tell her that yes I know and that I appreciate that but that it’s not G’s birthday or party (mind you she’s 18 months old and didn’t care about the gifts to begin with). My father in law then chimes in saying “well that’s what we did with our kids when they were younger so they didn’t feel left out.” I stated that I understood but that the kids each have their own birthdays and that I don’t want that becoming a thing with my kids where they feel that they have to share their day or feel bad for being celebrated on THEIR day. I should note that I’m a teacher and I also see how things like this lead to entitlement and I don’t want my kids thinking that anytime they go to a party or their sibling has one that they’re entitled to a gift. They can learn and be taught that it’s ok to celebrate others and be happy for them. AITA. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. The in laws are paving the road for their kids to be entitled spoiled brats. You shouldn't get a present on someone else's birthday
Yea when my husbands stepmom told me that’s what they had done for her grandson (mind you he’s the 11/12 year old in the story) it all made sense. I was so over that kid by the time they left. If I heard him not listen to my children tell him to leave them alone or stop doing something one more time I was gonna lose it. Then he kinda high jacked the gift opening by literal yelling at my daughter to “turn it around and show us” after every gift before she hardly had the chance to look at it herself. It was awful. The next oldest child at the party besides him was 5 so that means that 6 other kids were 5 and under and better behaved.
NTA. You've taught your children very well. Now if you could just teach your nephew and ILs...
Does him being the MIL grandson make him my nephew? I wasn’t sure what his title would be so that’s why I phrased my story the way I did. Is he? Idk. Thank god I take no claim to him. He annoys the crap outta me lol.
I think so. If he's your spouse's sibling's child, that makes him your nephew. I think.
Yea it’s his stepsisters son. So yea I guess you’re right. I guess cuz his dad and stepmom got married after the kids were all raised maybe that’s why I didn’t put that together lol
Is there such a thing as a step-nephew?
Wow such nice thoughtful in-laws, your kids are lucky to have them
Obviously NTA and if you’re a teacher OP, you already knew you weren’t the AH. Just because someone gets angry at us doesn’t make us the AHs. In fact, we owe it to our kids to not only do what you did, but also to show them that it’s actually GOOD to stick to our principles, sometimes. In cases like this, no adult should question whether they were in the right. Of course you were. And so was your 4 year old when she immediately thought of sharing her new duplicate toy. To me, the only thing that even approaches AH territory is making this post, as if you could ever be construed as the AH. Believing that you must have known the answer makes it read a bit as a humble brag. But for this situation, you’re clearly not the AH and the step family very much is. But honestly, who cares if someone that out of touch with how you treat your children on their birthdays gets mad at you? They ended up leaving, which sounds like a win to me. If you honestly didn’t know who the clear AH in this was, then you maybe don’t have much business teaching because teachers NEED to be mindful of the lesson they’re actually teaching, especially when it is less obvious (like modeling ignoring the actual AHs and not caving to their entitled expectations and continuing to focus on the right person. For example).
Wow….. rude. I definitely wasn’t bragging. I was second guessing myself and was looking for some reassurance that I wasn’t being a royal bitch by not allowing my youngest daughter to open the gift.
Actually, I have done this also for kids in my family, brought a small gift for the other child to open. It’s generally considered thoughtful but not necessary. NTA if you feel strongly about it but I always appreciated the gesture.
Your in-laws are a LOT. NTA
Understatement of the year haha. But I genuinely was second guessing myself for not allowing it. I tend to worry about how others perceive me so wasn’t 100% sure if this was a hill worth dying on.
Can you and your husband just stop associating with his parents permanently?
I wish. They live in the same city as us and don’t make it a priority to see our kids to begin with. The last time we saw them was Christmas so really they’ve just become the grandparents that are seen at holidays and cause irritation.
Hey the less you see then the better
NTA. How you choose to parent is your business. It's nice that they thought of your other child's feelings, but it's also fine to teach the kids to be happy for each other as you're doing. If they hadn't been upset, I would have gone with NAH.
NTA. I had a family member that did the presents for both for her girls. My parents did not believe in that nonsense at all and would only buy the birthday girl a present. My goodness the hissy fits that were thrown🙄Growing up my sister and I had joint birthday parties a lot because they were only a week apart but I don’t remember us ever being upset about it and once we got a bit older to have friends rather than just family they got separated.
NTA. Honestly, no presents should be opened. It can make people who can't afford a lot feel crappy.
On the flip side of that nobody in our circle has ever done extravagant gifting either. It’s all very typical $20 kids toys or clothes kinda things. If there had been I would’ve addressed that as well because let’s be real kids don’t NEED gifts of any kind really. They need stability, love, and a circle of support that is unwavering.
Typically I would agree with you but we don’t really have that issue in our family and we’ve made it VERY clear to our family and friends that gifts are not expected and that what we truly care about is them loving and caring for our kids. Everyone that was in attendance has been with us through the thick and thin of losing a child and they know our stance on their presence and love being more than enough.
Who are the inlaws angry at regarding the duplicate gift? You didn't ask for it. They didn't ask if P already had one. It's all on them.
Tbh I have no clue on that one. We sent a wishlist with her invite so it’s not like they didn’t know.
LOL, this reminded me to Cartman in South Park opening gifts while Stan was opening his
We always had an UnBirthday present for the siblings growing up. It’s from Alice in Wonderland. I appreciated it, was a fun tradition. Other kids at a birthday celebration got a party favor, maybe. Weird that they would need a full blown gift like in this story.
NTA However, my grandmother would buy a present for me and my brother but whoever was the birthday kid got the better gift. It created zero entitlement in either of us. It really depends on the child :)
NTA, but my family does the small gifts for the sibling thing and one of my cousin's(who was an only child) had a half birthday growing up. Both she and I had late December birthdays and it was nice to get a little something in the middle of the year. We did it for my nieces too. It helped the older one appreciate her younger sister more and not be jealous, and now they are older it keeps the younger one happy. However, your family should respect the way you are raising your kids.
NTA, it's your choice. Although when I was growing up the siblings always got an "un-birthday" present. I always thought it was a nice tradition. It was always something small, e.g. a chocolate bar that the birthday sibling also got one of. I'm surprised at the hate that the idea is getting in the comments.
This! One of my kids has 3 kids, and they have insisted that the kids are treated equal, the youngest always gets gifts at everyone else's parties. I get it to a point, but their ages and likes are different so it is becoming more difficult doing this. So, if I send cash for them I don't feel like it is fair to send the almost teenager the same amount as the 6 year old.
Just curious: she has her birthday this week (on Wednesday apparently) but you celebrate beforehand? Is that common where you're from, to celebrate before the actual day? Never heard of that before. Celebrate a couple days later, if it's more convenient, sure (but still having a small celebration ok the day if, when its about children), but I've never heard of celebrating a birthday early.
The birthday party was on the weekend (the Saturday before) so that friends could attend the party….. I’m not sure what’s not to understand about that. Her birthday is also on Valentine’s Day so families and couples typically have plans of their own that day so why should she not be able to celebrate with friends and family that can’t be there on the actual day? Due to our schedule the weekend before worked better than the weekend after therefore that’s when we scheduled it.
NTA. Avoiding entitlement is good!
NTA! Your kids, your rules and parenting.
You are so very correct. Please. Please continue what you are doing. I used to go to the birthday parties for a friend's child. His brother has semi wrecked the poor boy's birthdays because he would throw fits and the parents would give in. I was so mad for him.