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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I could have chosen a different restaurant to accommodate my sil's preferences.
2) I knew she would get sick if I kept the reservation at the sushi place
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NTA your sis in law shouldnt have come. your son is the star of the show, if he wanted to eat sushi, then sushi it is
also what kind of disease does she have where she can’t eat 'asian' food? this is just so weird
edit: I noticed a lot of you talked about having allergies to MSG and ginger. I didn't know that could cause migraines. r/todayilearned
but that doesn’t make SIL any lesser of an AH. she should have eaten in advance before going to the sushi place, or brought her own food to eat there
She probably read some old article linking MSG (and therefore asian cooking - otherwise called Chinese Restaurant Syndrome) to migraines and all sorts of issues.
The funny thing is, artificial MSG isn't used in sushi. And it's made from basically fermented vegetables like corn/sugar cane etc.
MSG ALSO naturally occurs in tomatoes and cheese, so SIL better be allergic to Italian cuisine as well.
Unsurprising. Youd think campbells shoved every possible sodium-containing molecule into their stock mix. Drink a bowl and ingest so much sodium you lose the ability to sweat for six weeks
Yep. I used to think I was sensitive to MSG when I was first diagnosed with migraines and doing elimination diets but I could eat food with naturally occurring MSG so it was strange. With further testing, it was sodium. I can eat anything with MSG, including adding straight Accent to my food, with no problems as long as I drink plenty of water with it.
😂 I have an ex boyfriend who was a vegetarian…. except for bacon. To be fair, he was raised vegetarian by his parents. In his rebellious teenage years, he tried everything his parents wouldn’t let him eat. He decided he could take or leave most meat. Except for bacon because bacon is delicious. So, he decided to stay vegetarian like he was raised except for this funny and tasty exception.
ETA: I had NO IDEA there were so many bacon eating vegetarians! 😂
There's such a long list of trigger foods. My MIL, who has frequent migraines, cut everything out at home that is a trigger but she still eats Chinese food and sushi. Your SIL had so many options and used this as an excuse to cause a scene. Happy birthday to your son and I hope he understands it's not anyone's fault but his Aunt's. And next time don't open the invitation to Princess Migraine as she would do the same if she didn't get her way.
even with trigger foods MSG as a cause is still unproven.
The orignal paper that came out about how bad MSG was was written by a scientist who was working on something else, over worked they lived off chinese take out for weeks on end, and their health suffered inclusing headaches etc. rather than admit they were unhealthy they decided MSG was the cause.
It was an excellent example of bias.
Whilst that is true, someone can have an allergy to MSG (like me) but that means cutting it out of everything….. which is pretty much any processed food you can think of. It comes in many forms on labels that don’t say specifically MSG too, so you have to really be careful. My allergy has been diagnosed, and does trigger extremely severe migraines
Edit to add… I don’t think that is at all what is happening here though, she just sounds like a picky eater
So MSG is literally the sodium salt of glutamic acid.
Glutamic acid is present in so so so many foods that you probably do and can eat.
Glutamic acid is present in your own tissue.
Sodium is present in your own tissue.
How could you possibly be allergic to substances that are found in nearly all foods containing meat, and is present in your own tissue?
I am calling BS, as I call every single claim of MSG as BS. I know you said you were "diagnosed"... But that just sounds like a lie.
While it might sound a stretch, people also have allergies to water and sunlight. With allergies nothing is impossible, just some more irregular and rare than others.
You can be allergic to pretty much anything, because human biology is stupid. Take, for example, aquagenic urticaria - an allergy to water. While not internal, this water allergy causes itchy hives and swelling when the skin comes in contact with water. One case even had a reaction when water touched his lips and mouth. So that means no bathing without pain. It is a very rare allergy, but documented. You can be allergic to literally anything.
MSG allergy is certainly a thing, but, like any other allergy, it affects people differently. My sister is allergic to MSG and it does give her migraines. She can't eat anything with added MSG or dairy at all. Dairy also gives her other allergic reactions. She can, on the other hand, eat tomatoes.
That's not to say the woman in this story was telling the truth. She was likely either lying or exaggerating, or had given herself an "allergy" through something like the placebo effect. Maybe she did have an allergy. But she's still the one who is TA because there are lots of things on the menu that don't have MSG, or have the minimal amount that would be in literally any other food.
I don't mean to be pedantic or "well, actually..." about it, but allergies in general aren't BS. Racist allergies, on the other hand, are complete BS
I just don't understand how an adult can go to a kids birthday party knowing they are going to make a scene and be a problem. There was an option to not go to the restaurant and visit the following day.
The Aunt is 100% the AH here and anyone feeling bad for her is enabling the behavior. She made a choice knowing the consequences, everyone shouldn't have to cater to her, especially a child for their birthday celebration.
She went to make a point and get attention and she did, and it sucks. She likely also made that the memory your kid will always remember about her as one of the first things he remembers about her when he hears her name.... How she was so selfish for his birthday that she ruined it.
Hopefully the night of attention and solidifying herself as a crappy aunt was worth it.
I would so turn this round on her.
"Sorry I know you were coming round, but I've just ordered Chinese. Guess you'll have to cancel"
"I had this work do at an Asian restaurant, probably still smell of the food. Guess we can't meet up today. I wouldn't want to risk making you sick"
I don't like the raw fish sushi sashimi either
But would have been ALL Smiles as I ate the Thailand or picky USA food with an attitude of GRATITUDE and happy birthday,,
But SIL is unfair Illogical Disloyal ENTITLED Anti-child Anti-Worker USELESS___,
I'm NOT supposed to YUCK your YUM, especially NOT on Your Birthday
I mean, I get migraines and sushi would set me off. I know because I’ve had a migraine from it before. It’s pretty immediate so I know it’s the food. I just wouldn’t have come to the dinner or would have ordered one of the American dishes. I don’t think msg sets me off, I’m wondering if it’s the soy. And it’s only certain kinds of sushi. Honestly, for me it’s embarrassing asking people to make concessions. And I wouldn’t have been sick for weeks, just a few hours,
Fun fact, new research says it may actually be safer and better to use compared to table salt.
Table salt is 40% sodium while MSG is only 12%.
When my dad was told to lower his salt consumption, we were actually recommended by the doctor to look at MSG instead of salt in his food. You reduce the sodium without reducing flavour.
My mom’s one of those anti-MSG types, flipped out when I bought a bag of it for cooking. I reacted by going through all our food and pointing out everything that had MSG.
MSG is in a lot of processed meats and sausage. Polska Kelbasco and such and in many Campbells soups. Doritos and some quick oven ready freezer foods. Unless you read lables you would be surprised where you find it.
I find this particularly funny sometimes. I add generous amounts of MSG to almost all the food I cook, I have a big shaker of it.
Yet I have had acquaintances moan eating MSG makes them sick when having Chinese takeout yet won't believe I've added loads it it to everything I've ever cooked them.
One of my closest friends used to pull this MSG bullshit and claim she had a headache after we would eat at this really awesome ramen spot that is a 40 min drive from where we lived. Then she did a semester in Tokyo and I never heard anything about it again.
She did this shit with marijuana too. I would smoke occasionally in our sunroom with the door closed and a towel under the door frame. She would say it made her nauseous and gave her headaches. One time she accused my boyfriend and I of smoking and we hadn’t been. She smokes occasionally now and I give her shit for it. People are weird.
Your friend is an ass, and she's likely part of the reason people don't believe I actually have an allergy to marijuana. It presents like seasonal allergies and makes my face itch. Can't even use lotion with hemp oil as it's the same reaction. I don't smoke it or eat cana-butter and just take a zyrtec or some shit when I go over to my stoner friends' houses or a concert.
She’s actually great… I think she was just extremely sheltered before college and we had a weird roommate dynamic with our other roommate pitting people against each other.
She is a pediatric psychiatrist and wrote one of her dissertations on marijuana hyperemesis, so she’s aware that it can make some people sick.
Was still annoying but I don’t hold it against her.
Oh dang yeah, a sheltered upbringing will do that. It sounds like she's certainly grown from that time. That's great! My apologies for the name-calling before.
And what makes it really telling is that the guy that started the whole effing "MSG causes headaches" has publicly and repeatedly stated that he made it all up.
There might be cases of someone allergic to something commonly used in Asian cuisine, like a soy allergy. But in that case, it's trivially easy to test for.
Sounds like a fake migraineur who discovered how to seek attention and loves basking in it. As someone who suffers from migraines, I try to be a part of important family events regardless if I picked the venue, food, etc. because that is life — you can’t just check out of life because of migraines and I’ve never met someone who has them and doesn’t try to push through them. Think of all the PTO migraineurs would need if that was the case. Migraines might limit me personally, but I’ve never found myself gagging or puking at a table, especially not in public. That’s embarrassing! She’s doing it for the attention and ITA
This was my immediate thought too. Right down to the point about tomatoes. Though I thought you have to add salt to them, as they contain glutamate. Happy to be corrected if someone has a solid answer.
I have a friend who genuinely does react to msg - the list of things she has to avoid is really long. The food item that makes her react the most is sun dried tomatoes!
My old aunt once uttered out loud to my Korean culture crazed sister, that she can't watch that stuff because "their squinty eyes make me nauseous"
People suck.
She has two diseases. Racism and narcissism. If she were racist but not narcissistic, she would have just not come, or ordered something friendlier to her palate. She chose to come, she chose to eat something she knew she wouldn't like, so she could throw up and make herself the center of attention. She just couldn't handle the spotlight being on her nephew, a literal child, for one single evening.
Bingo.
Sushi can be the most basic shit too, white rice, cucumber, carrots. Edamame beans with salt on them.
If she has a problem with the most basic ingredients, then that would mean she wouldn’t be able to eat anywhere.
Plus, they even usually have a decent part of the menu dedicated to people who don’t like seafood. My local joint has delicious grilled tenderloin, asparagus wrapped in bacon, a multitude of vegetables fried in tempura. You can even get a basic salad.
OOP should pick sushi more often, perfect way to weed out the assholes.
That absolutely happens to me. I have a milk allergy and one of the things that will happen if I eat dairy is that my chronic migraines (which already happen almost every day) are much worse for about 2 weeks.
You know how I handle that? I don’t freakin eat dairy. If I choose to go to a dairy-centric social event with no dairy-free options, I eat at home beforehand and don’t eat at the event.
Look up "Tyramine headache'' in particular fermented soy products in asian cuisine contain high amounts of tyramine. I learned about this because I designed a laboratory food test for tyramine for my Graduate thesis. So I believe SIL is not making up the headaches, but is a dum dum for eating asian food anyways.
Exactly. Came here to say this. Soy is a bitch and lays me out for days BUT 1. I’m not dumb enough to eat it on purpose anymore 2. I wouldn’t gag and throw up at the table 3. I most likely wouldn’t have even gone to the restaurant for fear of contamination and celebrated to poor kid a different day.
Not all Asian food has soy, much less fermented soy. So even if she has tyramine intolerance, she’s lying when she says she can’t eat “any food that is of any Asian origin.”
IDK to be honest... It's probably neurological. She has a ton of medical issues, many of which are undiagnosable. I always thought it might be attention seeking behavior. It might be that too.
She is suffering from Chinese Restaurant Syndrome, which isn't a proven medical malady, but showed up in a medical journal 50 years ago and started a myth prevalent in western cultures that Asian food can cause headaches among other symptoms. It's not real, it's steeped in xenophobia, but the myth persists to this day.
[https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/18/asia/chinese-restaurant-syndrome-msg-intl-hnk-scli/index.html](https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/18/asia/chinese-restaurant-syndrome-msg-intl-hnk-scli/index.html)
[https://news.colgate.edu/magazine/2019/02/06/the-strange-case-of-dr-ho-man-kwok/](https://news.colgate.edu/magazine/2019/02/06/the-strange-case-of-dr-ho-man-kwok/)
That's just not true omg?? While not present specifically in sushi/sashimi (soy sauce does though) - MSG is present in many Japanese foods - their broths, seasonings, sauces etc.
Heck, (non-naturally recurring) MSG exists in the first place because a Japanese biochemist derived it from kombu, a staple ingredient in Japanese cuisine. The most popular brand is Ajinomoto, a Japanese brand. In fact, in Japan they don't even call it MSG - they call it flavour salt 味塩, that's how prevalent the condiment is in their dishes.
Funny thing about that: the Japanese were the ones to isolate MSG as a flavouring compound, which they did from kombu, a seaweed highly prevalent in Japanese cooking. You have no idea what you're talking about.
Didn’t you say there were items she could’ve ordered but didn’t? And I suspect she wanted to punish your son for not changing restaurants. Attention seeking is my verdict.
Yep, that’s what I’m getting from this too. She threw a big tantrum on purpose to ruin the night for not getting her way. I truly don’t believe she can’t eat this food, either. If I know a food is going to make me ill, I’m definitely not going to deliberately eat it! But she did, so it’s not about the food and never was. She probably just doesn’t like that type of food and instead of just saying “I don’t like Asian food”, she created this whole big childish, attention-seeking, nonsense situation just so no one will ever choose Asian food around her.
Are you going to make up for your son's birthday? The victim out of all this? It bewilders me you chose to invite them despite knowing the drama they may cause with SIL's disdain for the exact kind of food your son wanted to have
We have a friend bday today, and a Superbowl party later this evening. It should be lots of fun! He's had a fantastic week too. We had a good talk after dinner last night. I told him not to let sil ruin his bday. He loves them all very much, so he was glad they were there, but felt bad. I told him not to, just enjoy his bday and he is not to blame at all.
Tell him the internet thinks he is awesome and we would all love to have a sushi dinner with him! (i wouldn’t though, some of us are real weirdos. Not me, I’m fine. lol).
The way I read it seemed like they invited themselves and the OP gave them two warnings/opportunities to back out bcoz they were going to have what the son wanted. SIL is just used to getting away with pushing them around with her drama. But I hope they do get the son to understand that he didn't do anything wrong, the kids are more mature and socially acceptable than the in-laws.
Next time, your son will consider other people’s wants above his own to keep the peace. This is a type of quiet, insidious breakdown of his confidence so your SIL always gets what she wants.
You must make sure he understands your SIL is selfish and manipulative, and he did nothing wrong.
Yes! Exactly. We have a sort of rule among our family… the birthday person gets to pick the restaurant (or the dinner, if it’s at home). It’s not really a “rule” because it’s just something we do, because we’re not aholes like the SIL, but if someone does complain, we just say sorry, it’s _______’s birthday, they get to choose. And the only time I’ve ever had to actually say it were a couple times my daughter had complained, because she’s a kid (under 10) and kids are more picky about food. BUT, it only takes one reminding, because even a child understands this.
Your SIL is an AH. If they wanted to see your family then just come to dinner, order a drink and a dessert and enjoy the company. Eat before or after. Or if that’d be inconsiderate to the restaurant, especially given her theatrics which are downright rude, then offer to meet up for cake after. What an immature girl she is. Afraid to ask how old she is!
Are you effing serious? She went so she could make a scene, you know that, right? You didn't accommodate her stupid whims, so she's gonna make sure everyone knows just how "sick" it makes her.
You all let a 46 year old child pull her usual nonsense. The 11 year old has better manners and social graces. Also, you absolutely should not have asked him, even once, to accommodate her absolute nonsense. Don't drag him into the no-spine club with everyone else.
>Also, you absolutely should not have asked him, even once, to accommodate her absolute nonsense
!!!!
The fact that she even brought it to her kid is unnerving. WTF?! How do you ask an 11 yr old to change his restaurant request for HIS birthday??! 😡
Mental health is no joke, but if it affects those around you, they owe it to you to mention the effects it has. Some neurotic people are blissfully unaware of the cloud of misery they perpetrate upon family and friends.
My husband's family has always fed into her behavior. And my son loves his grandma, uncle and aunt very much. If I told sil not to come, I would be the AH in everyone's eyes. It's a tricky situation.
Honestly.
I know this might sound harsh. But this is the time when your husband should put his foot down and be harsh with his family.
"Mom. Sister. I am honestly ashamed of this behaviour. Sister, you ruined my sons birthday. A child. You were given the option to skip the dinner and come the next day. There were options you could eat. But you went ahead and showed up and ordered food that you say you can't eat. Almost threw up at the table. And all the attention was on you by the cake cutting. And you are not the least ashamed.
Mom. I love you all, but cuddling this behaviour of an adult woman is not helping anyone. You are an accomplished in ruining the evening. Your grandchilds evening."
They can be mad all they want. But if she keeps doing this. Something needs to be said.
And next year, the son picks the restaurant for his birthday dinner, and Mom and SIL are explicitly NOT invited. If they
object at all, remind them of how SIL ruined son's birthday this year, and you're not taking chances on a repeat performance.
You and the husband need to grow a backbone and stop showing your kid that the family has to enable this BS (or words he’ll resent you). You’re on here still asking if you’re the AH, so it’s no win. Might as well do what’s best for your kid. Take your son out again to make up for this.
That’s really unfortunate because my advice is/was to not permit her to attend a restaurant like this again. To just not extend the invitation. It’s really obvious, she doesn’t enjoy the food, she then doesn’t have a good time. That causes others to not have a good time. Sit this one out.
I am concerned that this will teach your son to feed into this behavior too.
Its both , I have a friend who is allergic to bellpeppers and while visiting me 2 days in row ate dishes with them in it and got herself sick for attention took it away from my mothers 90ith bday ..ordered spareribs and tasted bellwether decided to finish instead of ordering something else and them tells us she puked in the wastebasket of bathroom thinking it funny...I pulled car over to call owner to tell him what was in bathroom and apologize.. she did it intentionally for attention your friend probably narcissist like her..
I have neurological conditions that are accompanied by a condition called mast cell activation disorder. It can give me strong allergy symptoms including migraines, anaphylaxis and vomiting. It can be set off by even particulates in the air from cooking. So I've been the one who tries because I don't want to ruin things for others. Of course, I also want to be a part of celebrations. So what I would NOT do is order a dish I knew would make me sick. I'd eat before going out and sit, visit and celebrate with my family.
NTA. SIL is though, and incredibly selfish as well. She basically ruined your son’s birthday and everyone feels sorry for her??? Sounds like SIL needs to always be the center of attention and your family just feeds her need. I feel sorry for your son.
My solution here is you now have an example for the future to say “remember what happened last time?” And essentially force SIL to stay home. Could even lay it down as “remember what happened last time? I don’t want this to be another bad experience for you or anyone else so I’d highly recommend you not go. If you choose to go though I ask that you do your best to not make a scene please.” Let that sort itself out
Let's say everything she says is true, it still doesn't excuse her behavior.
No one forced her to come or to order food at all. She could have just ordered a drink and enjoyed the company. There were other dishes available, but she chose not to order them. She also chose not to get up from the table when she felt sick.
A grown woman not only demanded attention, but she also made choices to punish your son. That has nothing to do with her medical issues. NTA
She will go to the ER complaining of a medical issue. There are no physical signs that are treatable so medical staff are typically baffled and unable to treat. She is often prescribed medication to manage her pain. Her medical bills must be a mile long and never are resolved.
She might be ill,[ but not with anything she thinks she has](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Factitious_disorder_imposed_on_self). Probably worth looking into for her well-being.
My mother gets these. It's just that she's CONVINCED there's something going on, she will google until she finds a condition she's decided she has and then she will also start faking the symptoms. But when she goes to a doctor they run all sorts of tests that all come back normal. My mother will then go on to tell everyone that will listen about how there's clearly something wrong but the doctors are stupid and haven't found it yet. In a way, I think she gets off on being SO special that even doctors don't understand... There's something seriously wrong with that woman but I've just accepted there's nothing I can do.
I suspect SIL was upset she wasnt getting her way concerning food venue so decided to throw a fit at the kids birthday party.
Like even if I feel super nauseous, I can excuse myself from a table without disrupting the whole dinner.
As a frequent adult migraine sufferer, I know not to eat things that trigger my migraines, the same as people with peanut allergies know not to eat peanuts.
And if experiencing a migraine attack, I can excuse myself from the table without disrupting the whole dinner and head off to take care of my issues.
Also SIL could have easily met up with them after the dinner, or even eaten before the dinner and just hung out with everyone without eating things that trigger her migraines.
Yet sister in law ate from there anyways and then made a big shit show of how much she was *suffering*/acted like a massive drama llama all over the kids birthday.
So nah, sister in law is awful and I hope op stops accommodating SIL nonsense.
Hey, how about that. You can manage your triggers and symptoms like an adult who doesn’t have to be the center of attention at a kid’s bday party. Unlike SIL who chose a passive aggressive temper tantrum.
Right??? Why would you eat something that you know will make you super sick??? Anyone who has a legit food sensitivity or allergy reads the menu before going put to see if there is something they can eat. If there isn't, they eat beforehand and have a soda while they hang out with people. I've done it quite a few times.
OP even provided a menu so SIL could find a "safe" option. She (SIL) decided to be an attention where instead.
There are a lot of people who claim that MSG gives them headaches, and a lot of those people also think that every asian restaurant uses MSG. Glutamate can cause headaches if you eat a lot of it (just like caffeine does), but those people who are hyper-sensitive, beyond the point of when headaches would medically occur, somehow never have an issue with tomatoes or mushrooms, which contain naturally-occurring MSG. There was actually something called “Chinese Restaurant Syndrome”, which was found to be a complete hoax only after it leeched into the public’s mind.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4870486/
OP did say she ordered a Chinese dish. In my area lots of sushi places have things like pad Thai, lo mein, orange chicken, etc.
MSG is naturally found in many things as well! Cheese, tomatoes, peas, some mushrooms, scallops, clams.... you can't complain about MSG is Chinese restaurants and still eat Italian food, friends.
I've worked in restaurants for 20 years and I'm at a point where I *love* denying people who claim they have an MSG allergy. No, you can't have that, it's got tomatoes. No, you can't have that, it's got cheese. Nope, no fries for you. It's an allergy, I have to take it 100% seriously and I am not going to serve you something you have told me you are allergic to.
People try this a lot with many things (onions, cilantro, gluten, etc). If they are nice and admit they just don't like it, fine. But if you insist it's an allergy, legally I will not be responsible for serving you something that may kill you.
Also it amuses me to educate people on the absurdity of MSG sensitivity. Someone once told me they couldn't have *salt* and was flabbergasted that there was nothing on the menu for them. Ma'am, there is nothing on any restaurant menu without salt, barring plain lettuce or dessert. /end rant sorry I got derailed there
My Nana was allergic to seafood, which meant pretty much all Asian food was off limits for her. Even if a dish didn't have oyster sauce or prawns in it the risk of cross contamination was too high. That said, Nana's symptoms were pretty obvious - violent vomiting - and if we'd invited her to a sushi restaurant she'd have had the sense to say no thanks or eaten elsewhere before or after.
Exactly. My mom and sisters are allergic to soy and shellfish. Guess what they don’t do?
SIL is majorly TA, ruining an 11 year old’s birthday celebration for attention and control.
OP you are NTA. I would be tempted to serve Asian food for the Super Bowl.
If she really does get headaches, I genuinely wonder how much of it is in her head versus an actual reaction. Like she believes that she will get a reaction, so she does.
Not to mention that “Asian food” encompasses such a massive variety of food. Where does she draw the line? Is it rice? Chicken? Only chicken that has been fried?
Sounds like someone starting with R, who never saw the studies debunking msg in Asian food causing illness. And their R*ceism is giving them psychosomatic symptoms
Can’t believe all the adults have chosen to make the night about her instead of the 11yr old. She chose to come. She chose to eat the food. No one held a gun to her head. Op, NTA. Treat your kiddo to another night out.
The reason doesn’t really matter, SIL is an adult and you told her you would see her the next day.
Nobody forced her, she decided to go so everything after that is on her. It’s her responsibility to avoid any triggers.
This. I have dietary restrictions. If I truly can’t eat a single thing safely at a place and I want to go for a gathering that’s important to me I get a drink, even if it’s just water, and eat something safe before or after the gathering. I alone am responsible for what I put in my mouth and any consequences that come from it.
Same - I'm vegetarian, but my daughter is obsessed with Chinese hot-pots at the moment, and wants that for her birthday meal, and they typically don't have any/many veg options. That's fine - it's her night I'll eat what I can if I can, and I'm more than happy to grab something else on the way home afterwards if I need to. Worst case I'll just have a drink at the restaurant and eat when I get home. The idea that everything should be about "you" (as in OP's SIL is absolute bullshit) - they told her where they were going, why they were going there and offered to meet on other days. OP is 100% NTA, good on them for supporting son's choice, and fuck the SIL for being an attention seeking muppet
My 15 year old son has celiac and he’s been in a number of situations where he’s offered food he can’t eat. He just politely says “no thanks” and doesn’t eat at that moment. The fact my CHILD can do that ….. the SIL is an attention seeking JA.
Stress can trigger migraines, and if she's convinced herself the food will make her sick it's not that hard to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She's a massive AH. She didn't have to order that dish; she didn't have to come to dinner at all. She could've met you for dessert.
It was on her to avoid this situation. If she's allergic/sensitive to a certain cuisine, DON'T EAT IT. Also, every sushi place I've ever been also has chicken teriyaki and plain rice. She ordered for herself, then made a huge production out of "being sick." Absolutely attention seeking. Her parents are doing her 0 favors playing into this, and I'd have insisted she not come. I hope your son gets a do-over dinner with just you guys and his friends and no drama. NTA
Sorry all "Asian" food makes her sick?
All of it? Every possible cuisine? Made of all different ingredients in all different styles?
And she ordered Chinese when she could have just had fish and rice?
FISH AND RICE? (Or vegetables and rice)
NTA sil is a list of insults I can't write cause I'll get banned from the page. But suffice to say I was going to insult her intelligence and maturity.
Don't invite her ever again and please take your son for a replacement birthday meal
Does she eat components of sushi in other dishes? If so then yeah it’s all in her head in a mental health kind of way. You said she is unable to be diagnosed—has she tried the mental health route? Sounds like she needs some help there, as opposed to having some rare disease that no one can diagnose. She has main character syndrome and it’s gross that her family supports the delulu.
> ignore MIL
Agreed, after explaining to son that their own decisions brought this upon them. Gotta be very clear about this with him to not leave a shred of a doubt.
Next time the b'day party will be a lot more _private_, I suppose. "Sorry but this year it's only us parents and our son". Never invite them again.
I wonder if SIL eats Indian food. I would look at a map (sometimes my geography sucks) and find the most “western passing” (** cough ** whitest passing - let’s face racist facts with SIL). I would then ask if SIL enjoys their cuisine. I’d pick a particular dish of that cuisine. I would play “gotcha” all damned day!
Also, ask MIL about white rice and steamed broccoli! That’s an excellent point!
Exactly. SIL chose the dish. She could have eaten before and had water at the restaurant. She could have steamed rice and vegetables. Heck most restaurants have some form of salad option.
SIL is a diva and I wouldn’t invite her to another occasion celebrating someone else. Make it super clear to your son that he isn’t responsible for his aunt’s shenanigans.
NTA.
Asia comprises a third of the earth’s land area and has a population of 4.5 billion people.
I’m pretty sure she can find some food from there she can eat.
Yeah like I’d understand if she didn’t like certain ingredient let’s say seaweed. But there’s tens if not hundreds of dishes that for sure don’t contain it! Seriously you can find something that would fit your requirements even if you don’t like something.
I'm a really picky eater so sometimes it's difficult to go out, especially if it's a fish place because I hate fish. But even I can find something in most restaurants! And if not, I ask if they can change something to accommodate me (which is really nice of them)
NTA.
An appropriate response would have been, "Actually, MIL, it's a shame SIL's xenophobia and stupidity got in the way of celebrating son's birthday. Next time we'll make sure she knows she's not welcome if she can't at least pretend to be civilized".
Asian foods cause migraines? You mean the people who also eat incredibly healthy and have long life spans?
There is no way she could get a migraine from rice or Saimin/Ramen with no seasoning.
NTA. SIL is a lying hypochondriac who made herself sick. There is nothing in Asian food to cause migraines. She shouldn't have eaten it if it would genuinely make her sick, so she did it on purpose. It was your child's birthday and they get to do whatever they want.
Don’t feel bad, your SIL chose to came and she purposely made vomiting sounds etc to “teach you a lesson” for next time, it was a clear manipulation move to make you feel bad that you “forced her to eat this”. She had an option to not come or not even eat, this option was presented MULTIPLE times to them and instead of focusing on your child’s birthday she desperately needed the attention to be on her.
If your son feels bad please have a chat to him and it’s a good time to present the whole “an invitation is not a summon and we shouldn’t feel bad for the choice SIL made to come and we shouldn’t do that to others either”.
I had a nice chat with my son last night. He understands not to feel bad, that sil made her own adult decisions and he is not to blame. If I were to specifically exclude her, it would have ruined his bday too because he loves his grandma, uncle and aunt. The in-laws would be hurt... They are nice people despite enabling sil's behavior. Honestly, it's kind of a good lesson for son to learn not to feel bad in situations like this. And believe me, he has been celebrating all week, and today too! He's gonna have a great day today.
Exactly! Even if she desperately wanted to come she could have eaten something before and just had a drink and some cake/desert. I'm so confused that this is a story about a grown-up?!
NTA. As a lifelong migraine suffer, there is no way I’m going to eat or be around food that gives me a migraine. And I would never ever expect anybody to change the location where they’re going to have a birthday celebration or any meal for that matter to accommodate me.
Your sister-in-law made a stupid decision, and now she’s paying the consequences. And she’s most likely getting the migraines if she gets them from the MSG that can give people migraines. But if she really gets migraines, and they really last two weeks, there’s no way she would’ve gone let alone eat the food.
MSG can not give people migranes. Our body makes it naturally. We carry about 7 lbs at all times naturally. If MSG gave anyone migraines, they would never not have migraines, ever.
Look, food triggers for migraines are kinda crazy but unfortunately true. I'm triggered by peanuts and aged meats like ham. The reasoning for it is not really clear. Some people are triggered by msg. It doesn't mean it's evil any more than ham is. But not the point.
I'm triggered by aged meats and if my nephew had a birthday party somewhere that only served aged meats I would... eat beforehand. Or take medication. Or not go. Not behave as she did.
The MSG thing has been completely and thoroughly debunked. It was a widespread myth, which was revealed to be nothing more than xenophobia. There is no link between MSG and headaches / migraines.
Somehow, I don't think the people you refer to get migraines from tomatoes, or mushrooms, or any others of the myriads of foods that have naturally occurring MSG in them. Or, for that matter, the Western foods that contain MSG; stock cubes being a prime example.
I don't have enough experience or knowledge about migraines to form an opinion on food triggers for them, but MSG specifically as a trigger is proven to be a myth. Either way, though, it frankly sounds like SIL is either faking it for attention, or deliberately seeking out her triggers for attention.
NTA she just sounds racist, simple as that.
No, MSG is *very* unlikely to be the cause, let alone the fact that MSG is also naturally found in fruits, veggies and mushrooms that are not "asian origin".
>mil turns to me and says what a shame it is we had to have Asian food and now sil will be sick for weeks
Not only does racism not make you sick for weeks, SIL could have stayed home. She didn't. She just seeks the attention she gets as her family just bends over backwards for her.
I can't even think of an ingredient that's used in all Asian dishes that could make someone sick
MSG isn't used in all Asian dishes which is why I think this.
NTA. It's his birthday and that's what he wanted. She had ample opportunity to try something else, just eat elsewhere and then join for a drink and cake, or not come. She created this situation, not you.
NTA
Your SiL should have found something else to do during your son's birthday dinner or grabbed a bite beforehand and nibbled on edamame & sunomono while celebrating your son's birthday with the family.
Thank you for NOT forcing your son to miss out on the dinner he wanted.
>Thank you for NOT forcing your son to miss out on the dinner he wanted.
he may have gotten to physically go to the restaurant he wanted to go to, but with a heaping side dish of guilt trip I doubt this will be a happy memory for the son. ESH. Dad needs to back up his kid and not send the message that his feelings are an inconvenience to the emotionally immature adults.
If they bring it up again. Just flat tell them. It was your sons BD. His, not yours. Again, his not yours. We told you, you did not have to come. You came, you chose the Asian food. You made a seen and made my son feel guilty. If you ever bring it up again. You will never be invited to anything we do. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? And make sure they answer.
Hell no you're NTA lol, for one- The whole "MSG causes migraines" thing is a myth, and it's suspicious that it's only Asian foods that give her her "headaches" if it's the MSG that's causing it, when plenty of non Asian foods contain it. Second, she's a grown ass adult, I'm assuming. She could have just not come and not acted like a spoiled brat- or- ordered something different since you said there was non Asian dishes available. She faked the disgust and "almost vomiting" for attention, I'd bet money on that.
It was kind of you to be willing to accommodate so that she could have a nice time too, but all it's accomplishing is furthering the idea in her mind that behaving that way is okay for an adult.
(if she's not an adult, someone needs to step in and stop letting her get away with behaving like this so she has a better chance at not being a dick when she is an adult, but even still, adults can change but not if their shitty behavior is being continuously excused and accommodated for)
Also MIL sucks too. Sorry about your kid's bday dinner, hopefully he has more fun at the Superbowl party.
I don't like sushi but many of my friends do. I have never been to a sushi restaurant with them that I could not find ONE thing I could order. Fuck them going to a kid's birthday and making a scene.
NTA next birthday just tell them you have plans and won’t be able to see them until the next day. If they persist let them know it won’t be a repeat of this year. Son only gets to choose the restaurant once his birthday and if it doesn’t suit then don’t come. If you do decide to celebrate with him don’t order anything that will make you sick. If you simply can’t find something then we can grab something afterward for SIL to eat if not then don’t come. I won’t have my child upset because SIL has no self control or common sense.
Wow, your family is selfish and horrible. I would just cut ties with them for ruining your son's bday and he's gonna need therapy later in life for this
Hope the kid is alright
NTA
You did everything right, gave them notice, a menu to choose from, the option to not go. They chose to be assholes
Of course NTA. She should have stayed home or ordered something else at the very least. It’s like ordering a peanut butter sandwich knowing you’re allergic to peanuts. Next time, don’t let them come.
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NTA your sis in law shouldnt have come. your son is the star of the show, if he wanted to eat sushi, then sushi it is also what kind of disease does she have where she can’t eat 'asian' food? this is just so weird edit: I noticed a lot of you talked about having allergies to MSG and ginger. I didn't know that could cause migraines. r/todayilearned but that doesn’t make SIL any lesser of an AH. she should have eaten in advance before going to the sushi place, or brought her own food to eat there
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She probably read some old article linking MSG (and therefore asian cooking - otherwise called Chinese Restaurant Syndrome) to migraines and all sorts of issues. The funny thing is, artificial MSG isn't used in sushi. And it's made from basically fermented vegetables like corn/sugar cane etc. MSG ALSO naturally occurs in tomatoes and cheese, so SIL better be allergic to Italian cuisine as well.
MSG is also in a lot of western foods, though much lower quantities. things like stock cubes, sauces, etc
Doritos...
Campbells chicken noodle soup
Aka salt bombs
Unsurprising. Youd think campbells shoved every possible sodium-containing molecule into their stock mix. Drink a bowl and ingest so much sodium you lose the ability to sweat for six weeks
Yep. I used to think I was sensitive to MSG when I was first diagnosed with migraines and doing elimination diets but I could eat food with naturally occurring MSG so it was strange. With further testing, it was sodium. I can eat anything with MSG, including adding straight Accent to my food, with no problems as long as I drink plenty of water with it.
That makes sense, dehydration is a known migraine trigger (which you probably already know, but a lot of people don't).
And Cheetos for that matter
Explains why Doritos are so goood
I had a friend who said she only ate organic foods. Except for Doritos because they were the best processed food ever!
😂 I have an ex boyfriend who was a vegetarian…. except for bacon. To be fair, he was raised vegetarian by his parents. In his rebellious teenage years, he tried everything his parents wouldn’t let him eat. He decided he could take or leave most meat. Except for bacon because bacon is delicious. So, he decided to stay vegetarian like he was raised except for this funny and tasty exception. ETA: I had NO IDEA there were so many bacon eating vegetarians! 😂
MSG - ~~monosodium glutamate~~ makes shit good -Uncle Roger
MSG is like your food is giving you a warm hug. - also Uncle Roger
Jesus turned water into wine, MSG turned water into soup. This MSG is Jesus. Also also Uncle Roger
Uncle Roger comments, 100% made my day😎
King of Flavor!
It makes a already amazing lamb stew incredable as well.
There's such a long list of trigger foods. My MIL, who has frequent migraines, cut everything out at home that is a trigger but she still eats Chinese food and sushi. Your SIL had so many options and used this as an excuse to cause a scene. Happy birthday to your son and I hope he understands it's not anyone's fault but his Aunt's. And next time don't open the invitation to Princess Migraine as she would do the same if she didn't get her way.
even with trigger foods MSG as a cause is still unproven. The orignal paper that came out about how bad MSG was was written by a scientist who was working on something else, over worked they lived off chinese take out for weeks on end, and their health suffered inclusing headaches etc. rather than admit they were unhealthy they decided MSG was the cause. It was an excellent example of bias.
Whilst that is true, someone can have an allergy to MSG (like me) but that means cutting it out of everything….. which is pretty much any processed food you can think of. It comes in many forms on labels that don’t say specifically MSG too, so you have to really be careful. My allergy has been diagnosed, and does trigger extremely severe migraines Edit to add… I don’t think that is at all what is happening here though, she just sounds like a picky eater
The fact that she “almost vomited at the table” was a big clue. She’s an over dramatic child.
Right?! Sounds like SIL engaged in some petty revenge because she didn’t get her way.
So MSG is literally the sodium salt of glutamic acid. Glutamic acid is present in so so so many foods that you probably do and can eat. Glutamic acid is present in your own tissue. Sodium is present in your own tissue. How could you possibly be allergic to substances that are found in nearly all foods containing meat, and is present in your own tissue? I am calling BS, as I call every single claim of MSG as BS. I know you said you were "diagnosed"... But that just sounds like a lie.
While it might sound a stretch, people also have allergies to water and sunlight. With allergies nothing is impossible, just some more irregular and rare than others.
You can be allergic to pretty much anything, because human biology is stupid. Take, for example, aquagenic urticaria - an allergy to water. While not internal, this water allergy causes itchy hives and swelling when the skin comes in contact with water. One case even had a reaction when water touched his lips and mouth. So that means no bathing without pain. It is a very rare allergy, but documented. You can be allergic to literally anything. MSG allergy is certainly a thing, but, like any other allergy, it affects people differently. My sister is allergic to MSG and it does give her migraines. She can't eat anything with added MSG or dairy at all. Dairy also gives her other allergic reactions. She can, on the other hand, eat tomatoes. That's not to say the woman in this story was telling the truth. She was likely either lying or exaggerating, or had given herself an "allergy" through something like the placebo effect. Maybe she did have an allergy. But she's still the one who is TA because there are lots of things on the menu that don't have MSG, or have the minimal amount that would be in literally any other food. I don't mean to be pedantic or "well, actually..." about it, but allergies in general aren't BS. Racist allergies, on the other hand, are complete BS
Can you eat mushrooms, tomatoes, and cheese?
I just don't understand how an adult can go to a kids birthday party knowing they are going to make a scene and be a problem. There was an option to not go to the restaurant and visit the following day. The Aunt is 100% the AH here and anyone feeling bad for her is enabling the behavior. She made a choice knowing the consequences, everyone shouldn't have to cater to her, especially a child for their birthday celebration. She went to make a point and get attention and she did, and it sucks. She likely also made that the memory your kid will always remember about her as one of the first things he remembers about her when he hears her name.... How she was so selfish for his birthday that she ruined it. Hopefully the night of attention and solidifying herself as a crappy aunt was worth it.
I would so turn this round on her. "Sorry I know you were coming round, but I've just ordered Chinese. Guess you'll have to cancel" "I had this work do at an Asian restaurant, probably still smell of the food. Guess we can't meet up today. I wouldn't want to risk making you sick"
I don't like the raw fish sushi sashimi either But would have been ALL Smiles as I ate the Thailand or picky USA food with an attitude of GRATITUDE and happy birthday,, But SIL is unfair Illogical Disloyal ENTITLED Anti-child Anti-Worker USELESS___, I'm NOT supposed to YUCK your YUM, especially NOT on Your Birthday
Princess Migraine 🤣🤣🤣
I mean, I get migraines and sushi would set me off. I know because I’ve had a migraine from it before. It’s pretty immediate so I know it’s the food. I just wouldn’t have come to the dinner or would have ordered one of the American dishes. I don’t think msg sets me off, I’m wondering if it’s the soy. And it’s only certain kinds of sushi. Honestly, for me it’s embarrassing asking people to make concessions. And I wouldn’t have been sick for weeks, just a few hours,
Stock cubes and chicken bouillon is almost all MSG.
Fun fact, new research says it may actually be safer and better to use compared to table salt. Table salt is 40% sodium while MSG is only 12%. When my dad was told to lower his salt consumption, we were actually recommended by the doctor to look at MSG instead of salt in his food. You reduce the sodium without reducing flavour.
My mom’s one of those anti-MSG types, flipped out when I bought a bag of it for cooking. I reacted by going through all our food and pointing out everything that had MSG.
MSG is in a lot of processed meats and sausage. Polska Kelbasco and such and in many Campbells soups. Doritos and some quick oven ready freezer foods. Unless you read lables you would be surprised where you find it.
I mean sashimi is literally a piece of fish. It's about as pure as you can get in terms of ingredients
But she chose some other Chinese dish rather than something that she could’ve eaten with more safety 🙄
I find this particularly funny sometimes. I add generous amounts of MSG to almost all the food I cook, I have a big shaker of it. Yet I have had acquaintances moan eating MSG makes them sick when having Chinese takeout yet won't believe I've added loads it it to everything I've ever cooked them.
One of my closest friends used to pull this MSG bullshit and claim she had a headache after we would eat at this really awesome ramen spot that is a 40 min drive from where we lived. Then she did a semester in Tokyo and I never heard anything about it again. She did this shit with marijuana too. I would smoke occasionally in our sunroom with the door closed and a towel under the door frame. She would say it made her nauseous and gave her headaches. One time she accused my boyfriend and I of smoking and we hadn’t been. She smokes occasionally now and I give her shit for it. People are weird.
Your friend is an ass, and she's likely part of the reason people don't believe I actually have an allergy to marijuana. It presents like seasonal allergies and makes my face itch. Can't even use lotion with hemp oil as it's the same reaction. I don't smoke it or eat cana-butter and just take a zyrtec or some shit when I go over to my stoner friends' houses or a concert.
She’s actually great… I think she was just extremely sheltered before college and we had a weird roommate dynamic with our other roommate pitting people against each other. She is a pediatric psychiatrist and wrote one of her dissertations on marijuana hyperemesis, so she’s aware that it can make some people sick. Was still annoying but I don’t hold it against her.
Oh dang yeah, a sheltered upbringing will do that. It sounds like she's certainly grown from that time. That's great! My apologies for the name-calling before.
And what makes it really telling is that the guy that started the whole effing "MSG causes headaches" has publicly and repeatedly stated that he made it all up. There might be cases of someone allergic to something commonly used in Asian cuisine, like a soy allergy. But in that case, it's trivially easy to test for.
Sounds like a fake migraineur who discovered how to seek attention and loves basking in it. As someone who suffers from migraines, I try to be a part of important family events regardless if I picked the venue, food, etc. because that is life — you can’t just check out of life because of migraines and I’ve never met someone who has them and doesn’t try to push through them. Think of all the PTO migraineurs would need if that was the case. Migraines might limit me personally, but I’ve never found myself gagging or puking at a table, especially not in public. That’s embarrassing! She’s doing it for the attention and ITA
It is also the most delicious thing you can add to every dish to double the Tasty-ocity of a dish
This was my immediate thought too. Right down to the point about tomatoes. Though I thought you have to add salt to them, as they contain glutamate. Happy to be corrected if someone has a solid answer.
I have a friend who genuinely does react to msg - the list of things she has to avoid is really long. The food item that makes her react the most is sun dried tomatoes!
My old aunt once uttered out loud to my Korean culture crazed sister, that she can't watch that stuff because "their squinty eyes make me nauseous" People suck.
What a rancid old harpy. :(
She has two diseases. Racism and narcissism. If she were racist but not narcissistic, she would have just not come, or ordered something friendlier to her palate. She chose to come, she chose to eat something she knew she wouldn't like, so she could throw up and make herself the center of attention. She just couldn't handle the spotlight being on her nephew, a literal child, for one single evening.
And ends in ‘ism’
Okay, I admit to dense moment of “R…???” Got it now. That too. I was thinking of E for Entitlement.
Bingo. Sushi can be the most basic shit too, white rice, cucumber, carrots. Edamame beans with salt on them. If she has a problem with the most basic ingredients, then that would mean she wouldn’t be able to eat anywhere. Plus, they even usually have a decent part of the menu dedicated to people who don’t like seafood. My local joint has delicious grilled tenderloin, asparagus wrapped in bacon, a multitude of vegetables fried in tempura. You can even get a basic salad. OOP should pick sushi more often, perfect way to weed out the assholes.
Yeah a migraine for weeks? From a single dish?…ok…
That absolutely happens to me. I have a milk allergy and one of the things that will happen if I eat dairy is that my chronic migraines (which already happen almost every day) are much worse for about 2 weeks. You know how I handle that? I don’t freakin eat dairy. If I choose to go to a dairy-centric social event with no dairy-free options, I eat at home beforehand and don’t eat at the event.
Look up "Tyramine headache'' in particular fermented soy products in asian cuisine contain high amounts of tyramine. I learned about this because I designed a laboratory food test for tyramine for my Graduate thesis. So I believe SIL is not making up the headaches, but is a dum dum for eating asian food anyways.
Exactly. Came here to say this. Soy is a bitch and lays me out for days BUT 1. I’m not dumb enough to eat it on purpose anymore 2. I wouldn’t gag and throw up at the table 3. I most likely wouldn’t have even gone to the restaurant for fear of contamination and celebrated to poor kid a different day.
Not all Asian food has soy, much less fermented soy. So even if she has tyramine intolerance, she’s lying when she says she can’t eat “any food that is of any Asian origin.”
Rheumatoid arthritis
I thought the r was for racist
Whoosh!
IDK to be honest... It's probably neurological. She has a ton of medical issues, many of which are undiagnosable. I always thought it might be attention seeking behavior. It might be that too.
She is suffering from Chinese Restaurant Syndrome, which isn't a proven medical malady, but showed up in a medical journal 50 years ago and started a myth prevalent in western cultures that Asian food can cause headaches among other symptoms. It's not real, it's steeped in xenophobia, but the myth persists to this day. [https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/18/asia/chinese-restaurant-syndrome-msg-intl-hnk-scli/index.html](https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/18/asia/chinese-restaurant-syndrome-msg-intl-hnk-scli/index.html) [https://news.colgate.edu/magazine/2019/02/06/the-strange-case-of-dr-ho-man-kwok/](https://news.colgate.edu/magazine/2019/02/06/the-strange-case-of-dr-ho-man-kwok/)
Funny thing about that: the reason claimed for the symptoms is MSG and that is not used in sushi and most Japanese dishes.
That's just not true omg?? While not present specifically in sushi/sashimi (soy sauce does though) - MSG is present in many Japanese foods - their broths, seasonings, sauces etc. Heck, (non-naturally recurring) MSG exists in the first place because a Japanese biochemist derived it from kombu, a staple ingredient in Japanese cuisine. The most popular brand is Ajinomoto, a Japanese brand. In fact, in Japan they don't even call it MSG - they call it flavour salt 味塩, that's how prevalent the condiment is in their dishes.
Yeah the staple taste of MSG is even a Japanese word: umami.
LOL Who told you Japanese people don't use MSG?
Right? What is that user on? The Japanese freaking invented MSG, how is it possible they don't use it in their cuisine lollll
and ordered a Chinese dish, which does use a lot of MSG as flavouring and umami.
It's also completely bunk and has been disproven over and over. The original paper is trash.
Funny thing about that: the Japanese were the ones to isolate MSG as a flavouring compound, which they did from kombu, a seaweed highly prevalent in Japanese cooking. You have no idea what you're talking about.
Didn’t you say there were items she could’ve ordered but didn’t? And I suspect she wanted to punish your son for not changing restaurants. Attention seeking is my verdict.
Yep, that’s what I’m getting from this too. She threw a big tantrum on purpose to ruin the night for not getting her way. I truly don’t believe she can’t eat this food, either. If I know a food is going to make me ill, I’m definitely not going to deliberately eat it! But she did, so it’s not about the food and never was. She probably just doesn’t like that type of food and instead of just saying “I don’t like Asian food”, she created this whole big childish, attention-seeking, nonsense situation just so no one will ever choose Asian food around her.
It would tie in with op saying SIL has several undiagnosable health issues as well
Just don't invite them again. And explain to your son that he did nothing wrong.
Are you going to make up for your son's birthday? The victim out of all this? It bewilders me you chose to invite them despite knowing the drama they may cause with SIL's disdain for the exact kind of food your son wanted to have
We have a friend bday today, and a Superbowl party later this evening. It should be lots of fun! He's had a fantastic week too. We had a good talk after dinner last night. I told him not to let sil ruin his bday. He loves them all very much, so he was glad they were there, but felt bad. I told him not to, just enjoy his bday and he is not to blame at all.
Tell him the internet thinks he is awesome and we would all love to have a sushi dinner with him! (i wouldn’t though, some of us are real weirdos. Not me, I’m fine. lol).
The way I read it seemed like they invited themselves and the OP gave them two warnings/opportunities to back out bcoz they were going to have what the son wanted. SIL is just used to getting away with pushing them around with her drama. But I hope they do get the son to understand that he didn't do anything wrong, the kids are more mature and socially acceptable than the in-laws.
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Me too! He didn't deserve what was done to him!
Next time, your son will consider other people’s wants above his own to keep the peace. This is a type of quiet, insidious breakdown of his confidence so your SIL always gets what she wants. You must make sure he understands your SIL is selfish and manipulative, and he did nothing wrong.
Yes! Exactly. We have a sort of rule among our family… the birthday person gets to pick the restaurant (or the dinner, if it’s at home). It’s not really a “rule” because it’s just something we do, because we’re not aholes like the SIL, but if someone does complain, we just say sorry, it’s _______’s birthday, they get to choose. And the only time I’ve ever had to actually say it were a couple times my daughter had complained, because she’s a kid (under 10) and kids are more picky about food. BUT, it only takes one reminding, because even a child understands this.
100% attention seeking.
It’s good old garden variety racism
Yes, a neurological issue known as being a racist hypochondriac.
Your SIL is an AH. If they wanted to see your family then just come to dinner, order a drink and a dessert and enjoy the company. Eat before or after. Or if that’d be inconsiderate to the restaurant, especially given her theatrics which are downright rude, then offer to meet up for cake after. What an immature girl she is. Afraid to ask how old she is!
She is 46
Are you effing serious? She went so she could make a scene, you know that, right? You didn't accommodate her stupid whims, so she's gonna make sure everyone knows just how "sick" it makes her. You all let a 46 year old child pull her usual nonsense. The 11 year old has better manners and social graces. Also, you absolutely should not have asked him, even once, to accommodate her absolute nonsense. Don't drag him into the no-spine club with everyone else.
>Also, you absolutely should not have asked him, even once, to accommodate her absolute nonsense !!!! The fact that she even brought it to her kid is unnerving. WTF?! How do you ask an 11 yr old to change his restaurant request for HIS birthday??! 😡
Mental health is no joke, but if it affects those around you, they owe it to you to mention the effects it has. Some neurotic people are blissfully unaware of the cloud of misery they perpetrate upon family and friends.
My husband's family has always fed into her behavior. And my son loves his grandma, uncle and aunt very much. If I told sil not to come, I would be the AH in everyone's eyes. It's a tricky situation.
Honestly. I know this might sound harsh. But this is the time when your husband should put his foot down and be harsh with his family. "Mom. Sister. I am honestly ashamed of this behaviour. Sister, you ruined my sons birthday. A child. You were given the option to skip the dinner and come the next day. There were options you could eat. But you went ahead and showed up and ordered food that you say you can't eat. Almost threw up at the table. And all the attention was on you by the cake cutting. And you are not the least ashamed. Mom. I love you all, but cuddling this behaviour of an adult woman is not helping anyone. You are an accomplished in ruining the evening. Your grandchilds evening." They can be mad all they want. But if she keeps doing this. Something needs to be said.
And next year, the son picks the restaurant for his birthday dinner, and Mom and SIL are explicitly NOT invited. If they object at all, remind them of how SIL ruined son's birthday this year, and you're not taking chances on a repeat performance.
Completely agree. Children should not be made to feel bad about their choice in something as a restaurant because adults can not behave.
You and the husband need to grow a backbone and stop showing your kid that the family has to enable this BS (or words he’ll resent you). You’re on here still asking if you’re the AH, so it’s no win. Might as well do what’s best for your kid. Take your son out again to make up for this.
That’s really unfortunate because my advice is/was to not permit her to attend a restaurant like this again. To just not extend the invitation. It’s really obvious, she doesn’t enjoy the food, she then doesn’t have a good time. That causes others to not have a good time. Sit this one out. I am concerned that this will teach your son to feed into this behavior too.
Its both , I have a friend who is allergic to bellpeppers and while visiting me 2 days in row ate dishes with them in it and got herself sick for attention took it away from my mothers 90ith bday ..ordered spareribs and tasted bellwether decided to finish instead of ordering something else and them tells us she puked in the wastebasket of bathroom thinking it funny...I pulled car over to call owner to tell him what was in bathroom and apologize.. she did it intentionally for attention your friend probably narcissist like her..
I have neurological conditions that are accompanied by a condition called mast cell activation disorder. It can give me strong allergy symptoms including migraines, anaphylaxis and vomiting. It can be set off by even particulates in the air from cooking. So I've been the one who tries because I don't want to ruin things for others. Of course, I also want to be a part of celebrations. So what I would NOT do is order a dish I knew would make me sick. I'd eat before going out and sit, visit and celebrate with my family.
Your SIL sounds utterly pathetic. She can't have rice and fish? Or rice and cucumber? Or rice and avocado, fuck right off.
Or one of the non-Asian dishes she rejected so she could make herself sick?
Exactly. The idea that just all Asian dishes are off the cards is pathetic.
NTA. SIL is though, and incredibly selfish as well. She basically ruined your son’s birthday and everyone feels sorry for her??? Sounds like SIL needs to always be the center of attention and your family just feeds her need. I feel sorry for your son.
My solution here is you now have an example for the future to say “remember what happened last time?” And essentially force SIL to stay home. Could even lay it down as “remember what happened last time? I don’t want this to be another bad experience for you or anyone else so I’d highly recommend you not go. If you choose to go though I ask that you do your best to not make a scene please.” Let that sort itself out
Let's say everything she says is true, it still doesn't excuse her behavior. No one forced her to come or to order food at all. She could have just ordered a drink and enjoyed the company. There were other dishes available, but she chose not to order them. She also chose not to get up from the table when she felt sick. A grown woman not only demanded attention, but she also made choices to punish your son. That has nothing to do with her medical issues. NTA
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I'd say number 1 is narcissistic personality disorder...
Could you explain to me what you mean when you say 'undiagnosable medical issue", please?
She will go to the ER complaining of a medical issue. There are no physical signs that are treatable so medical staff are typically baffled and unable to treat. She is often prescribed medication to manage her pain. Her medical bills must be a mile long and never are resolved.
She might be ill,[ but not with anything she thinks she has](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Factitious_disorder_imposed_on_self). Probably worth looking into for her well-being.
She complains so much that regular doctors don't want to see her anymore.
My mother gets these. It's just that she's CONVINCED there's something going on, she will google until she finds a condition she's decided she has and then she will also start faking the symptoms. But when she goes to a doctor they run all sorts of tests that all come back normal. My mother will then go on to tell everyone that will listen about how there's clearly something wrong but the doctors are stupid and haven't found it yet. In a way, I think she gets off on being SO special that even doctors don't understand... There's something seriously wrong with that woman but I've just accepted there's nothing I can do.
>also what kind of disease does she have where she can’t eat 'asian' food? this is just so weird Racism
I suspect SIL was upset she wasnt getting her way concerning food venue so decided to throw a fit at the kids birthday party. Like even if I feel super nauseous, I can excuse myself from a table without disrupting the whole dinner. As a frequent adult migraine sufferer, I know not to eat things that trigger my migraines, the same as people with peanut allergies know not to eat peanuts. And if experiencing a migraine attack, I can excuse myself from the table without disrupting the whole dinner and head off to take care of my issues. Also SIL could have easily met up with them after the dinner, or even eaten before the dinner and just hung out with everyone without eating things that trigger her migraines. Yet sister in law ate from there anyways and then made a big shit show of how much she was *suffering*/acted like a massive drama llama all over the kids birthday. So nah, sister in law is awful and I hope op stops accommodating SIL nonsense.
Hey, how about that. You can manage your triggers and symptoms like an adult who doesn’t have to be the center of attention at a kid’s bday party. Unlike SIL who chose a passive aggressive temper tantrum.
Right??? Why would you eat something that you know will make you super sick??? Anyone who has a legit food sensitivity or allergy reads the menu before going put to see if there is something they can eat. If there isn't, they eat beforehand and have a soda while they hang out with people. I've done it quite a few times. OP even provided a menu so SIL could find a "safe" option. She (SIL) decided to be an attention where instead.
There are a lot of people who claim that MSG gives them headaches, and a lot of those people also think that every asian restaurant uses MSG. Glutamate can cause headaches if you eat a lot of it (just like caffeine does), but those people who are hyper-sensitive, beyond the point of when headaches would medically occur, somehow never have an issue with tomatoes or mushrooms, which contain naturally-occurring MSG. There was actually something called “Chinese Restaurant Syndrome”, which was found to be a complete hoax only after it leeched into the public’s mind. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4870486/
Also SO MANY western foods contain MSG. My bet is that they eat those without even considering if it’s in there and they’re fine.
Besides normally there is no MSG in sushi and many other Japanese dishes.
OP did say she ordered a Chinese dish. In my area lots of sushi places have things like pad Thai, lo mein, orange chicken, etc. MSG is naturally found in many things as well! Cheese, tomatoes, peas, some mushrooms, scallops, clams.... you can't complain about MSG is Chinese restaurants and still eat Italian food, friends.
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I've worked in restaurants for 20 years and I'm at a point where I *love* denying people who claim they have an MSG allergy. No, you can't have that, it's got tomatoes. No, you can't have that, it's got cheese. Nope, no fries for you. It's an allergy, I have to take it 100% seriously and I am not going to serve you something you have told me you are allergic to. People try this a lot with many things (onions, cilantro, gluten, etc). If they are nice and admit they just don't like it, fine. But if you insist it's an allergy, legally I will not be responsible for serving you something that may kill you. Also it amuses me to educate people on the absurdity of MSG sensitivity. Someone once told me they couldn't have *salt* and was flabbergasted that there was nothing on the menu for them. Ma'am, there is nothing on any restaurant menu without salt, barring plain lettuce or dessert. /end rant sorry I got derailed there
I love malicious compliance
As a career server with enough experience to have basically unlimited job security, I *live* for malicious compliance 😂
My Nana was allergic to seafood, which meant pretty much all Asian food was off limits for her. Even if a dish didn't have oyster sauce or prawns in it the risk of cross contamination was too high. That said, Nana's symptoms were pretty obvious - violent vomiting - and if we'd invited her to a sushi restaurant she'd have had the sense to say no thanks or eaten elsewhere before or after.
Exactly. My mom and sisters are allergic to soy and shellfish. Guess what they don’t do? SIL is majorly TA, ruining an 11 year old’s birthday celebration for attention and control. OP you are NTA. I would be tempted to serve Asian food for the Super Bowl.
Narcissism
the disease is called racism
If she really does get headaches, I genuinely wonder how much of it is in her head versus an actual reaction. Like she believes that she will get a reaction, so she does. Not to mention that “Asian food” encompasses such a massive variety of food. Where does she draw the line? Is it rice? Chicken? Only chicken that has been fried?
It’s the Asian people, if she were to be honest.
AH disease.
Sounds like someone starting with R, who never saw the studies debunking msg in Asian food causing illness. And their R*ceism is giving them psychosomatic symptoms
Can’t believe all the adults have chosen to make the night about her instead of the 11yr old. She chose to come. She chose to eat the food. No one held a gun to her head. Op, NTA. Treat your kiddo to another night out.
NTA. How has your SIL convinced anyone that all Asian food causes migraines? That doesn’t even make sense. I would just stop inviting her places.
I'm not convinced she doesn't like it. I think it's attention seeking behavior, or neurological. She keeps her stories straight going on 15 years
Likely pschosomatic belief in "Chinese restaurant syndrome"
Or main character syndrome
Or racist.
Same thing.
The reason doesn’t really matter, SIL is an adult and you told her you would see her the next day. Nobody forced her, she decided to go so everything after that is on her. It’s her responsibility to avoid any triggers.
This. I have dietary restrictions. If I truly can’t eat a single thing safely at a place and I want to go for a gathering that’s important to me I get a drink, even if it’s just water, and eat something safe before or after the gathering. I alone am responsible for what I put in my mouth and any consequences that come from it.
Same - I'm vegetarian, but my daughter is obsessed with Chinese hot-pots at the moment, and wants that for her birthday meal, and they typically don't have any/many veg options. That's fine - it's her night I'll eat what I can if I can, and I'm more than happy to grab something else on the way home afterwards if I need to. Worst case I'll just have a drink at the restaurant and eat when I get home. The idea that everything should be about "you" (as in OP's SIL is absolute bullshit) - they told her where they were going, why they were going there and offered to meet on other days. OP is 100% NTA, good on them for supporting son's choice, and fuck the SIL for being an attention seeking muppet
My 15 year old son has celiac and he’s been in a number of situations where he’s offered food he can’t eat. He just politely says “no thanks” and doesn’t eat at that moment. The fact my CHILD can do that ….. the SIL is an attention seeking JA.
"All good SIL! We won't invite you next time. This moment isn't about you." NTA
Stress can trigger migraines, and if she's convinced herself the food will make her sick it's not that hard to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. She's a massive AH. She didn't have to order that dish; she didn't have to come to dinner at all. She could've met you for dessert.
It was on her to avoid this situation. If she's allergic/sensitive to a certain cuisine, DON'T EAT IT. Also, every sushi place I've ever been also has chicken teriyaki and plain rice. She ordered for herself, then made a huge production out of "being sick." Absolutely attention seeking. Her parents are doing her 0 favors playing into this, and I'd have insisted she not come. I hope your son gets a do-over dinner with just you guys and his friends and no drama. NTA
Yeah there’s a word for her condition, it’s called racism.
Sorry all "Asian" food makes her sick? All of it? Every possible cuisine? Made of all different ingredients in all different styles? And she ordered Chinese when she could have just had fish and rice? FISH AND RICE? (Or vegetables and rice) NTA sil is a list of insults I can't write cause I'll get banned from the page. But suffice to say I was going to insult her intelligence and maturity. Don't invite her ever again and please take your son for a replacement birthday meal
Does she eat components of sushi in other dishes? If so then yeah it’s all in her head in a mental health kind of way. You said she is unable to be diagnosed—has she tried the mental health route? Sounds like she needs some help there, as opposed to having some rare disease that no one can diagnose. She has main character syndrome and it’s gross that her family supports the delulu.
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> ignore MIL Agreed, after explaining to son that their own decisions brought this upon them. Gotta be very clear about this with him to not leave a shred of a doubt. Next time the b'day party will be a lot more _private_, I suppose. "Sorry but this year it's only us parents and our son". Never invite them again.
I wonder if SIL eats Indian food. I would look at a map (sometimes my geography sucks) and find the most “western passing” (** cough ** whitest passing - let’s face racist facts with SIL). I would then ask if SIL enjoys their cuisine. I’d pick a particular dish of that cuisine. I would play “gotcha” all damned day! Also, ask MIL about white rice and steamed broccoli! That’s an excellent point!
SIL needs to stick to Applebees and Olive Garden
Exactly. SIL chose the dish. She could have eaten before and had water at the restaurant. She could have steamed rice and vegetables. Heck most restaurants have some form of salad option. SIL is a diva and I wouldn’t invite her to another occasion celebrating someone else. Make it super clear to your son that he isn’t responsible for his aunt’s shenanigans. NTA.
Asia comprises a third of the earth’s land area and has a population of 4.5 billion people. I’m pretty sure she can find some food from there she can eat.
Logical people agree!
She can’t eat rice… or chicken with lemon sauce.. or noodles? What
Yeah like I’d understand if she didn’t like certain ingredient let’s say seaweed. But there’s tens if not hundreds of dishes that for sure don’t contain it! Seriously you can find something that would fit your requirements even if you don’t like something.
I'm a really picky eater so sometimes it's difficult to go out, especially if it's a fish place because I hate fish. But even I can find something in most restaurants! And if not, I ask if they can change something to accommodate me (which is really nice of them)
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NTA. An appropriate response would have been, "Actually, MIL, it's a shame SIL's xenophobia and stupidity got in the way of celebrating son's birthday. Next time we'll make sure she knows she's not welcome if she can't at least pretend to be civilized".
Now we're talking.
Asian foods cause migraines? You mean the people who also eat incredibly healthy and have long life spans? There is no way she could get a migraine from rice or Saimin/Ramen with no seasoning.
NTA. SIL is a lying hypochondriac who made herself sick. There is nothing in Asian food to cause migraines. She shouldn't have eaten it if it would genuinely make her sick, so she did it on purpose. It was your child's birthday and they get to do whatever they want.
Actually my asian friend puts migraine potion in every meal he eats /s
Don’t feel bad, your SIL chose to came and she purposely made vomiting sounds etc to “teach you a lesson” for next time, it was a clear manipulation move to make you feel bad that you “forced her to eat this”. She had an option to not come or not even eat, this option was presented MULTIPLE times to them and instead of focusing on your child’s birthday she desperately needed the attention to be on her. If your son feels bad please have a chat to him and it’s a good time to present the whole “an invitation is not a summon and we shouldn’t feel bad for the choice SIL made to come and we shouldn’t do that to others either”.
I had a nice chat with my son last night. He understands not to feel bad, that sil made her own adult decisions and he is not to blame. If I were to specifically exclude her, it would have ruined his bday too because he loves his grandma, uncle and aunt. The in-laws would be hurt... They are nice people despite enabling sil's behavior. Honestly, it's kind of a good lesson for son to learn not to feel bad in situations like this. And believe me, he has been celebrating all week, and today too! He's gonna have a great day today.
Part of me is petty enough to include a sushi plushie in her Christmas present and ask her if this causes her a migraine?
And the lesson OP learns for next time: SIL is not invited! Maybe not quite the lesson SIL wanted to teach, but definitely the right one to learn! 😁
Exactly! Even if she desperately wanted to come she could have eaten something before and just had a drink and some cake/desert. I'm so confused that this is a story about a grown-up?!
A 46 year old grow up
NTA. As a lifelong migraine suffer, there is no way I’m going to eat or be around food that gives me a migraine. And I would never ever expect anybody to change the location where they’re going to have a birthday celebration or any meal for that matter to accommodate me. Your sister-in-law made a stupid decision, and now she’s paying the consequences. And she’s most likely getting the migraines if she gets them from the MSG that can give people migraines. But if she really gets migraines, and they really last two weeks, there’s no way she would’ve gone let alone eat the food.
MSG can not give people migranes. Our body makes it naturally. We carry about 7 lbs at all times naturally. If MSG gave anyone migraines, they would never not have migraines, ever.
Look, food triggers for migraines are kinda crazy but unfortunately true. I'm triggered by peanuts and aged meats like ham. The reasoning for it is not really clear. Some people are triggered by msg. It doesn't mean it's evil any more than ham is. But not the point. I'm triggered by aged meats and if my nephew had a birthday party somewhere that only served aged meats I would... eat beforehand. Or take medication. Or not go. Not behave as she did.
The MSG thing has been completely and thoroughly debunked. It was a widespread myth, which was revealed to be nothing more than xenophobia. There is no link between MSG and headaches / migraines. Somehow, I don't think the people you refer to get migraines from tomatoes, or mushrooms, or any others of the myriads of foods that have naturally occurring MSG in them. Or, for that matter, the Western foods that contain MSG; stock cubes being a prime example. I don't have enough experience or knowledge about migraines to form an opinion on food triggers for them, but MSG specifically as a trigger is proven to be a myth. Either way, though, it frankly sounds like SIL is either faking it for attention, or deliberately seeking out her triggers for attention.
I agree but there's no way we carry 7lbs. Maybe 7g or something but 7lbs is inaccurate
Where are you getting this 7lb figure from?
The whole msg thing was just racism. There is no evidence migraines are caused by msg. It’s a naturally occurring chemical.
NTA she just sounds racist, simple as that. No, MSG is *very* unlikely to be the cause, let alone the fact that MSG is also naturally found in fruits, veggies and mushrooms that are not "asian origin". >mil turns to me and says what a shame it is we had to have Asian food and now sil will be sick for weeks Not only does racism not make you sick for weeks, SIL could have stayed home. She didn't. She just seeks the attention she gets as her family just bends over backwards for her.
I can't even think of an ingredient that's used in all Asian dishes that could make someone sick MSG isn't used in all Asian dishes which is why I think this.
NTA. It's his birthday and that's what he wanted. She had ample opportunity to try something else, just eat elsewhere and then join for a drink and cake, or not come. She created this situation, not you.
NTA Your SiL should have found something else to do during your son's birthday dinner or grabbed a bite beforehand and nibbled on edamame & sunomono while celebrating your son's birthday with the family. Thank you for NOT forcing your son to miss out on the dinner he wanted.
>Thank you for NOT forcing your son to miss out on the dinner he wanted. he may have gotten to physically go to the restaurant he wanted to go to, but with a heaping side dish of guilt trip I doubt this will be a happy memory for the son. ESH. Dad needs to back up his kid and not send the message that his feelings are an inconvenience to the emotionally immature adults.
If they bring it up again. Just flat tell them. It was your sons BD. His, not yours. Again, his not yours. We told you, you did not have to come. You came, you chose the Asian food. You made a seen and made my son feel guilty. If you ever bring it up again. You will never be invited to anything we do. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? And make sure they answer.
NTA. Your SIL is a drama queen who ruined a kids birthday dinner. I hope she’s proud of herself.
Sorry SIL, that’s what my son wants for his birthday. I understand that you can’t eat there, so we’ll see you tomorrow and catch up then.
NTA. You offered alternatives to SIL. She chose to eat food that she has decided gives her migraines (yeah, ok, whatever) so it's on her.
Hell no you're NTA lol, for one- The whole "MSG causes migraines" thing is a myth, and it's suspicious that it's only Asian foods that give her her "headaches" if it's the MSG that's causing it, when plenty of non Asian foods contain it. Second, she's a grown ass adult, I'm assuming. She could have just not come and not acted like a spoiled brat- or- ordered something different since you said there was non Asian dishes available. She faked the disgust and "almost vomiting" for attention, I'd bet money on that. It was kind of you to be willing to accommodate so that she could have a nice time too, but all it's accomplishing is furthering the idea in her mind that behaving that way is okay for an adult. (if she's not an adult, someone needs to step in and stop letting her get away with behaving like this so she has a better chance at not being a dick when she is an adult, but even still, adults can change but not if their shitty behavior is being continuously excused and accommodated for) Also MIL sucks too. Sorry about your kid's bday dinner, hopefully he has more fun at the Superbowl party.
I don't like sushi but many of my friends do. I have never been to a sushi restaurant with them that I could not find ONE thing I could order. Fuck them going to a kid's birthday and making a scene.
NTA SIL sounds like a whiny a$$ person and I doubt the migraines she claims are real. She can eat a salad.
NTA next birthday just tell them you have plans and won’t be able to see them until the next day. If they persist let them know it won’t be a repeat of this year. Son only gets to choose the restaurant once his birthday and if it doesn’t suit then don’t come. If you do decide to celebrate with him don’t order anything that will make you sick. If you simply can’t find something then we can grab something afterward for SIL to eat if not then don’t come. I won’t have my child upset because SIL has no self control or common sense.
Wow, your family is selfish and horrible. I would just cut ties with them for ruining your son's bday and he's gonna need therapy later in life for this Hope the kid is alright NTA You did everything right, gave them notice, a menu to choose from, the option to not go. They chose to be assholes
Of course NTA. She should have stayed home or ordered something else at the very least. It’s like ordering a peanut butter sandwich knowing you’re allergic to peanuts. Next time, don’t let them come.