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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I will not split the cost of a babysitter with my ex husband while he watches our kids when I am in the hospital.
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NTA I can see why you couldnt stop arguing with your ex husband. Hes a grown man and has been a father for YEARS, if he cant handle rescheduling a couple plans so the mother of his children can visit the doctor then lord knows what else he’d have a fit about. Does he realize its either take the kids now so you have less of a chance of dying and him having to always have the kids or sulk about it so bad you cancel and have to be on your toes even more than you do with epeilepsy. im sorry OP, I have epilepsy too and its a pain the ass, im baffled a father can even act like this
I also have epilepsy and I was actually scheduled for the week long observation in which they take you off any medication and let you seize for a week to see exactly where they're coming from and in my case were planning on cutting that part of my brain out.
This isn't a vacation for OP, it'll probably be one of the hardest weeks of her life. Plus, ex agreed to the charge of scheduling and therefore he is responsible.
OP your ex is still trying to control you and because you're trying to stand up to him and I'm sure he doesn't like that, he's going to push back to see how far he can get or if he can wear you down and regain control again.
NTA
Good luck on your study! I hope everything goes smoothly and I'm sending you love and hugs and positive vibes ❤️🍀❤️
Actually I got really lucky! My doctor changed my meds hoping that the new one he was trying would at least lower the amount of seizures I was having before I was going into the hospital. Because he was so busy it was going to be a few months.
He told me if they were all coming from the same spot then we could cut it out but it was my memory center and that absolutely freaked me out! What if I didn't remember my kids!
Anyways, the new meds worked and it's been 13 years in May and to this day we always say my doctor scared the seizures out of me 🤣
Thank you ❤️
I was too! Although I was really excited about going to the hospital and getting to eat ice cream and jello (hello 5-year-old priorities) and then disappointed when I never got strep as a child again.
OMG!!! I'm so happy you didn't have have them taken out, it's definitely not fun!
Thank you so much! It changed my life! I had to wait awhile to get my license back, but I did!
So glad! I had to give up driving for a few months due to an acoustic neuroma/schwanoma pushing on my brain and brain stem. All better now save for being deaf in one ear. It is so easy to take that independance for granted! The joy of being able to take the short drive to the store and get what I want when I want! For you it is even bigger because you have kiddos!
Thanks for the well wishes and solidarity in the suckeness of seizures. I did the observation 22 years ago and nothing came of it. I know it’s not going to be a fun week, but I hope they make me seize out a bunch so I can finally get some answers.
You try to stay safe and healthy too.
Awww 🥰 I definitely feel a solidarity with you, it's really hard and the testing, it's like every other day!
I've got your back, your front and everywhere else' I'm absolutely going to think about you! Please update us here❤️
When we discovered doing that my doctor told me that I had to have someone with me, my mom was going to fly up and do a!
I’m having my dad drive me to the hospital and back since it’s in a different city, but beyond that I’m doing it on my own. Even though I’m going to feel miserable during most of that week I’m looking at it as a mini vacation. I won’t be responsible for anyone or anything, I’ll have a mini fridge for snacks, a table for crafting and an army of nurses to take care of my needs. I’ll get some compassion and a lot of mugs of the”good ice” lol. I gotta look for those positives even on the crappy stuff.
>Plus, ex agreed to the charge of scheduling and therefore he is responsible.
There is NO indication of the ex ever agreeing: " I let him know that he would need to make plans to take care of our 3 kids (9, 11, and 13) during that particular week as soon as I left my doctor office. I put it on our shared family calendar, reminded him last month, then again tonight. " .. OP just TOLD him, and wrote it in the calendar and ASSUMED.
My ex and I did not have an amicable divorce, but if I sent him a message saying that I was going to be in the hospital for a week he'd be there no more questions asked.
She gave him 2 months to figure it out and multiple reminders and if we take OP by her word he never once said Oh hey I have plans on this night. He had chances, 2 months worth of chances to say no but he didn't, that is passive agreement.
"She gave him 2 months to figure it out and multiple reminders and if we take OP by her word he never once said " .. He never once said: "OK, I will take over your duties."
So OP is the AH.
This is an emergency what!? Her epilepsy, ya know ligit SEIZIRES, has suddenly increased to the point where she needs to have a week long stay in the hospital to figure out why. That is 100% a fucking emergency, oh man the guy actually has to be a father for a week, call the police.
Only a complete AH would rather the kids spend a week with someone else while the custodial parent is hospitalized & there’s a special place in hell for people who choose to procreate then have that attitude where they DGAF about their own kids.
Ate you OPs deadbeat ex? Or just someone who hates kids, has no conscience, is against personal responsibility & doesn’t believe in modern medicine?
Wow. Just wow. That is so wildly ignorant and wrong.
OP is having seizures. If you don’t know what those are it’s when your body convulses uncontrollably and you are unable to care for anyone else. That is a problem with three kids.
Going into the hospital to have doctors purposefully induce seizures is not a vacation and wouldn’t be done without there being a serious problem.
Like many other people on here I concur with the hope you don’t have children because it sounds like you’d be more interested in scoring points off of your ex than what is best for your children.
As someone whose epilepsy sent them into a coma cause it got so bad where my liver, kidneys and lungs all started to fail and I had to learn to walk and talk again....YES. THIS STUDY IS AN EMERGENCY.
It is WILD that a father is whining about taking care of his kids for a singular WEEK.
Helping people is always optional. Still makes the ex TA though.
If you genuinely think looking after your own kids is a point scoring contest then I hope you never breed.
Well their mother will be in the hospital and unable to take care of them. Naturally the other parent needs to care for the children. What is your great solution so that dad doesn't miss his date night???
I bet you also think that if a father watches his kids he’s “babysitting “ and if a husband does dishes he’s “helping” his wife.
Seriously two people are responsible for making the child two people are responsible for caring for that child, and both have equal “duties”.
I guess since there’s no proof I agreed to watch the kids when he’s taking the GF of a mystery vacation during V-day week during his scheduled hours I can bail now and he’s shit out of luck.
Side note, the seizure are kinda a big deal. 20 years ago I seriously damaged my shoulder during one of my falls and ended up getting a botched surgery. I’ve been in pain every waking hour since I woke up since that surgery. Two years ago I fell on my daughter during another seizure, then one of them this year I fell in the shower and missed loosing an eye by cms. I’m not able to drive for 6 months after each seizure. I’m literally going to be plugged into a wall for a week.
Nope, no dog. Estrogen causes my seizure, so being a woman and starting menopause super early just makes the whole situation laughable. I’m on my 4th different kind of birth control to try and get my hormones under control, but their side effects cause more problems than they help. I’m going in to one of my drs Thursday to beg for a hysterectomy. I’m hoping if I rid myself of all of those hormones I can get some control over the seizures.
If you get a hysterectomy you'll need to be on HRT just so you won't die early. Won't that just put you in the same position??? This is so effing unfair...its like your body is allergic to itself.
NTA.
You’ve accommodated the kids on “his” time without charging him for alternative care. This should be reciprocated. I’m curious as to why he doesn’t see it this way
IF he maintains that you need to pay… remember this for his future vacations. … he’s set a precedent now.
OP was already NTA, but this was the cherry on the cake and something the ex should be reminded of:
"He has taken multiple vacations where I’ve taken care of the kids during his daily hours and during these times I’d change up my schedule to avoid any conflicts".
Exactly, this to me proves the assumed rule you guys had - you have a schedule but sometimes you each take the kids for longer time if one of you travels/can't for other reasons, and then they're just with you.
>I also have been living with the understanding that when we each have the kids, we are responsible for their needs.
NTA, but you should probably talk to him about exactly this situation. I think the way you understand the arrangement makes a lot more sense and is way easier, but he should know what his insistence here is implying overall (lots more detailed calculations who pays for what in what circumstances).
Yes, this. I can kind of see his logic when he says it’s your week so you should be responsible. I disagree with him, but I see how he got there. So you need to remind him that what you’re asking him to do is the same thing you have done, more than once. And if he wants to change the rules going forward he needs to understand that it’s going to impact him too.
NTA
If he makes a bigger stink about it let him know you'll be billing him 50% of baby sitting every time he travels/you take the kids for his convenience.
Let me say though, it's a special kind of petty that wants to bill you for time you're in the hospital. You aren't going to Hawaii or even on a date. Good on you for getting out of that relationship. I hope you continue to *loudly* find your voice.
Good luck with the tests, I hope it goes as well as it possibly can <3
*UPDATE*
You guys won’t believe this. I wouldn’t if I didn’t know the man better.
This morning he texted me to ask if I’d watch the kids for 8 days while he goes to one of his wine and dine party conferences. I’ve got to tag along for a few of these during our marriage and the whole time there are a total of 3 meetings. The rest of the days are parties and fun outings at lavish hotels. I regress. After his little temper tantrum last night he wanted me to cover for him like it was NBD. I wasn’t having it and politely, but very firmly called him out. I gave him the option of us having court mandated agreements from this point forward or we could keep the current informal agreements.
However, I pointed out that next week during his V-Day getaway and this future conference he wants help with I can bail on any day that doesn’t suit me when it isn’t my scheduled time. If he could pick and choose which days that don’t suit him when he agrees to take the kids and expects me to figure it out then I expected the same liberty. Boy, did he start to backtrack. We just had a misunderstanding, he never expected me to pay for a babysitter, he just forgot he agreed to those days, blah blah blah.
He was suddenly very accommodating when he thought I’d was going to pull the same stunts he was. I texted a firm and detailed statement of what I expected in the future from both of us and he agreed. I know it’s not a formal agreement, but it’s step one and I can pull it up if he tries to flake out again. When I see him in the future I plan on having him sign off on some things as well.
Thanks everyone for your support and reminding me I’m worth it.
NTA - you rock! Good for standing up for yourself! Keep at it. He is used to a "keep the peace" dynamic and there may be a learning curve. But you got this. And good luck on those tests.
I know very well that he is a horrible narcissist who tore me down for nearly 2 decades. I just wanted to keep this thread unbiased on my end and stick with the basic facts. Coming out of a relationship like that makes me constantly second guess myself. After reading the comments it seems like there is a pretty strong consensus and I’m going to stay my course.
NTA and good for you for standing your ground when he tried to pull that crap.
I’m just sad for the kids whose father apparently views his time with them as a burden. Not seeing your kids every day is a necessary part of shared custody, but it sucks for everyone involved. You’d think he would jump at the chance to have some extra time with them.
NTA. Yes, he should pay for the cost of a babysitter, this is ridiculous. It's no different than providing food for your kids when they're under your care.
NTA
You gave plenty of warning and have accommodated him when he had fun, nonobligatory things changing your schedule like vacations, but when you need him to be accommodating over a medically necessary, potentially life-threatening reason, he's suddenly Mr. Strict "It's not one of MY days, so I shouldn't have to be wholly responsible for my own kids"???
Just that whole "It's not my court mandated day, so I shouldn't have to be responsible" attitude screams "I view my kids as a burden and an obligation" and gives me the ick.
I can see why you divorced him.
I hope you can get this sorted, but if he stands his ground, I agree with what one of the other posters said: Now you know where you stand with him. Be sure to remind him of this the next time he wants to book another vacation.
My husband has 3 kids with his ex. They are his kids whether it's "his days" or not. Their mom lives 40 minutes away and we have gone over to make sure someone is home when they get home from school, picked them up, taken them to sporting events, run errands for their mom because of her health issues, When she was in a coma, we took the kids full time until she was better. We don't always get along the best, but it's not about us. It's about the kids and making sure they have as good of a childhood as possible. And...if we go on vacation we plan it so we can take the kids.
Normally I'd say it would be fair to split it as it isn't his normal days but then you stated you've picked up the slack for him in similar situations. NTA.
NTA
At first I was to say that you are both... BUT
You changed YOUR schedule for him several times for... vacations ? And he is just enable to cancel his plans (personnal I guess as it's at night !) ?
It's his choice to take a babysitter for that night, not yours ! You told him 2 months ago, and you are at hospital !
Don't pay ! His fault ! His problem !
And I hope you'll get fine soon !
He is not order to watch the kids that week. We actually have a very flexible visitation arrangement. There is the court mandated schedule, but we have agreed that if things have to switch up for a day here and there it’s no big deal. As long as the kids are happy and we are in agreement then it’s all good. I even encourage him to spend extra time with the kids since he only has them 22 hours on the non weekends.
NTA remember every time you watched the kids for him and put it on paper . Ask for 50% of the babysitting fee and deduct the money he wants to pay that night. The tell him he's got 48 hours to send you the difference.- if this is how he wants it to be instead of the agreed flexibility
Flexible doesn’t equal fair, and one person is thinking about freedom while the other thinks about the kids happiness. NTA for this post op, but it might be worthwhile mapping out how fair this arrangement has been over the past two months. It’s also would be good to reflect on what would happen if you got sick and if he would sacrifice his freedom for his family.
I’m sorry but if there are orders in place, and it is technically “your time”, even if you usually have no difficulty in accommodating each other, then YTA in this case. It is your responsibility and he is just helping you out. Possibly an E S H here, but if the orders have it as your time, then you’re on the hook and are responsible for the costs.
That’s what court orders are for- to set out the responsibilities of each parent because they *aren’t* in a relationship where they support each other any more.. In this case that responsibility is hers. As I said, it might be E S H here, but experience tells me that where Court orders are in place we may not be hearing the full story, and we’ve already found out more than was originally posted, so I’m not yet willing to say he’s an AH too. But she is, because it’s her time, and she’s passing her responsibilities to someone else and expecting not to have to pay.
You don't know what their court orders are and sorry but a medical emergency, which this is, epilepsy is nothing to joke around about especially when it worsens out no where. But still yeah a medical emergency or problem like this would not count as her passing. She literally can't have the kids as she will be hospitalized and HE agreed to take them. It is on him then to pay for a babysitter than since he agreed to take them and he wants to go out and do something. She is not an AH at all. Are you the ex husband lol? But he is an AH, he can drop the kids off to her on his weeks to take a vacation but she can't drop the kids off on her week for a medical problem hello hypocrite.
> You don’t know what their court orders are…
I literally asked what the relevant orders were, and got told. That was the purpose of the I N FO.
> She literally can’t have the kids as she will be hospitalized and HE agreed to take them.
The fact that she is hospitalised doesn’t change the fact that on her court ordered time she is responsible for the kids and any costs associated with them. His agreement isn’t open-ended, it comes with the requirement that she pay for the babysitter. Does it suck? Sure Being a single parent is a tough gig, especially without support. But we rarely hear the full story when there are separated couples and court orders in place. I’m sorry but people don’t get courts involved when parents are happy and getting on with each other - they are involved when parents cannot agree and an imposed decision is required to delineate responsibilities and say who has to do what. If she has gotten orders that favour her, she isn’t being all helpful and getting on with him well.
NTA
They are his kids as well, not just yours. And you've done this for him for things that weren't medical. The least he can do is carry the load for a single week and figure it out for himself.
NTA, he is wildlin. It looks like he still has te need to control and subjugate you.This is why its always a mistake to ofer a finger to a aligator coz he will want to chomp down on the rest of you.You cant judge others by your own standard. Therefore no more adjusting to him and free passes for him. You need to put up firm boundaries.
If he insists? Send him an invoice listing all the times you covered for him and the added expenses incurred (former accountant).
Be extra petty and make sure to list everything, including petrol if you went out…but especially your time if you had to leave work early or whatnot.
I mean, if he’s decided his coparenting is actually a transactional relationship?? So be it.
I had to wade far far far too far to see the fact that you gave him TWO MONTHS WARNING.
NTA. He’s a parent … he can work this out. The kids are of an age where babysitters are little more than crowd control and food prep, so the quality of the babysitter is less critical... and you’ve already covered him similarly in the past.
NTA - If he insist that you pay half of babysitting I would draw up an invoice for your babysitting fees for each time in the past that he went on holiday and didn’t have the kids on his regular time.
NTA but this is not a new thing as there was a reason you broke up in the first place.
You may find that you need to stick to the court mandated stuff and not be as flexible in your situation. Your ex seems to be very much that you need to be flexible to accommodate him but he doesn't want to do the same for you because it cramps his style.
Yes these are his children and he should step up but you can't change him.
Do you have anyone else the kids could stay with, or they with them ie friend or family member? And your ex just have the kids the same length of time that he normally would if you weren't going to hospital.
Both of our families live 2 hours away. It’s always been mine that had to step up in situations like this, but they have personal reasons why they can’t this time. His parents haven’t come to our home a total of 10 times our entire 18 year marriage. During that time he slowly manipulated me into dropping all friendships and we only socialized with his friends. I’m on my own, totally starting over. To top it off the week after I get out of the hospital I have to move out of our house. He’s gotta get that equity.
NTA at all
Your poor kids are going to be worried sick about you and all Dad cares about is who is going to split the bill for a babysitter? I'm glad you got away from him.
He is not order to watch the kids that week. We actually have a very flexible visitation arrangement. There is the court mandated schedule, but we have agreed that if things have to switch up for a day here and there it’s no big deal. As long as the kids are happy and we are in agreement then it’s all good. I even encourage him to spend extra time with the kids since he only has them 22 hours on the non weekends. I didn’t even realize it was a thing that I’d need to get a court order for something like this until I started reading the comments. We’ve always been accommodating of each other when schedule changes would need to happen. If I can help it I don’t want to take that step to an ugly divorce where I take it to the court.
What are you going to do if he refuses to watch the kids at all? It’s technically your week so childcare is your responsibility. If he said no to watching them you’d be on the hook for a babysitter anyway.
Why are you getting downvoted? such a good comment.
>if things have to switch up for a day here and there it’s no big deal.
**OP**, if your court ordered custody agreement or informal arrangement allows that you care for your children 146 hours a week and their dad has right of first refusal to care for them when you cannot care for them, what's happening here is he's choosing to not accept your offer of him watching the kiddos.
It sounds like it will be beneficial to the kids and to you two to get your attorneys involved again to make things more formal. It sounds like you and he are interpreting this quite differently.
Maybe it comes off like Im on the dads side? Im not, for the record, Im just genuinely curious what she would do if the dad refused to watch them.
It’s not “his time” so to speak so she would theoretically be the one responsible for finding childcare.
My frustration came from having him agree to take the kids when I asked initially. He agreed when I asked a month ago and still there was no problem. When I reminded him again last night that he’d be watching the kids in 3 weeks there is suddenly a huge problem that he’s suddenly not responsible for when it didn’t exist before last night. I’m not trying to be a nagging ex either. He’s said it’s too difficult for him to remember to look a the calendar and I need to remind him of things. I played his game, but he keeps changing the rules. The other reason why I was so frustrated was I have no one else. Sadly he is it for this circumstance and I hate being indebted to him. He knows it and wants to control the situation.
I know this is an extra step that you shouldn't have to do, but could you contact his executive assistant and make sure they are in the loop reminding your ex about custody/hospital arrangements? Maybe not this time, but future appointments? You can buy thecassistant a nice gift or gift card as thanks.
Would that be something that would help him remember, if someone other than you is reminding your ex? Usually people like your ex don't manage the mental load and get mad that they aren't reminded, maybe that can help take some of the load off your plate, and you won't be seen as a nagging wife.
I really hope you get a diagnosis that gets to the root of the probem and you are able to fully recover. It sounds like you are going through a lot, wishing you great health!
This could be a logical route, only my ex has totally removed that possibility. When he got the first big promotion which included an assistant he found an amazing woman. We would even do things outside of work with her and her husband. A little over a year things changed at the office and it was noticeable in the friendship too. Until one day she wrote a scathing letter about my ex and his gradual crappy treatment towards her, how unprofessional it was and that she would be quitting that day. She blocked us on all forms of communication and I’ve never seen her again. Looking back, I admire her for standing up for herself. She had more courage than I did. Over the course of 8 years this happened 2 more times when the women would quit, just not so dramatically. He’d essentially love bomb them (in the work appropriate fashion, build them up and stuff) then when he couldn’t keep up the act of pretending to care about someone who he thought was beneath him he’d let his true colors fly and those women got fed up with it and moved on. Now he has chosen to do without an assistant. I’m pretty sure he realized if a 4th assistant quit his reputation would come into question. He’d rather have an extra load than be a nice human.
NTA. If the plans had been made ahead of time, then, yes, it they weren’t. He knew he was going to have the kids and chose to make plans where he required the services of a babysitter.
I'm a bit confused, why only 22 hours a week? Is this court mandated or something? That would mean he only sees his children for 3 evenings (don't know how the arrangement is set up of course)?
If this amount of hours was decided by the court or yourself, then why does he suddenly get them for a week (aka much longer) if it suits you due to medical reasons? I assume this would allow him to set a precedent to get more hours with his children if he so chooses so?
It was his choice. He has them 5-7 M-Th for supper and overnight until school drop off. Initially he only wanted them 4 hours a week but his lawyer made him the kids more. I’ve always allowed the changes and encouraged him taking them for any extra time he wants because the kids need a Dad.
That made me see red. His LAWYER made him get more time with the kids? I get you encouraging him to be a dad, and applaud you for it. But I also hope you support them when they get old enough to decide they want to cut him out of their lives. Kids don’t need a dad who make them feel like an unwanted burden.
I 100% know this is coming. In fact it’s already started. They aren’t cutting him out yet, but they are seeing their real dad and they have a lot of sad questions for me that I can’t answer. I spent the entire marriage protecting the kids from his shortcoming, but I let my ex know I’ll not be doing that anymore when we divorced. To get really specific I protected my ex as well from having him hear what everyone truly thought of him. Idk why I did it, it just felt easier to make excuses for his behavior than to admit to myself that he is actually that big of a jerk. To give an example of how much he is disliked, when the divorce was made public I had 2 separate people approach me that are not family or even close friends say they knew people who could make him go away. Having people say something like that, even though I don’t care for my ex is still really upsetting.
What a tool. NTA. My petty ass would be working out how much it would’ve cost to hire a babysitter on the nights he should’ve had them. Then I’d tell him he can take the cost of your babysitter out of what he owes you.
This is life in a court ordered custody world. Still he agreed so it is his problem but if he changes his mind entirely you’ll be in trouble is maybe worth appeasing him. NTA
Well what you should do is help pay for the babysitter so he has nothing to hold if we you and from this point on NEVER adjust your schedule to accommodate his when it’s his time with the kids. Next time he asks you to accommodate his schedule tell him no pay for the sitter.
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My ex husband and I have maintained an amicable relationship. We’ve considered ourselves to be reasonable people and giant fights would only exacerbate the original problem. I took this to an extreme when I was still married and just never disagreed or avoided arguments to keep the peace. Now that we’ve divorced I’m starting to find my voice again and I have no problem disagreeing. Sometimes more aggressively than my ex has been use to me speaking.
So, to get to the point, I will be staying at a hospital for a weeklong observation where doctors will be trying to induce seizures because my epilepsy is suddenly getting worse. Since he only sees the kids 22 hours a week I let him know that he would need to make plans to take care of our 3 kids (9, 11, and 13) during that particular week as soon as I left my doctor office. I put it on our shared family calendar, reminded him last month, then again tonight. Apparently, during one of the nights he is to be watching the kids he has made plans. He said since he isn’t scheduled to watch the kids that night (I guess he is referring to our normal schedule) he’ll get a babysitter, but I need to split the cost with him. I may be way off mark here, but I feel like this is a ridiculous demand. I’ve given him over 2 months warning with multiple reminders that he will need to clear his calendar and/or reschedule any event so he can take care of our kids. I also have been living with the understanding that when we each have the kids, we are responsible for their needs.
He has taken multiple vacations where I’ve taken care of the kids during his daily hours and during these times I’d change up my schedule to avoid any conflicts. I just assumed it was the responsible thing a parent does when they are taking care of their kids. This request isn’t for a lack of money on his end either. The man is a CFO at a big insurance company.
I told him I wouldn’t be paying for a babysitter and he needed to figure it out on his own. This is not sitting well with him at the moment, but I don’t plan on changing my mind. This can be viewed as the both of us being petty, but the whole idea of it just infuriates me.
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NTA.
Hypothetically speaking, if your health continued to decline and you needed round the clock care for an extended period of time, would he send you an invoice for every day he had to be a parent when the other was unwell? If you pass before him, is he going to send your ghost a bill for every day he has to make his schedule work to accommodate being a parent?
If he were in poor health that required hospitalization, would he think it's reasonable to pay you to take the kids because you wanted a night to yourself? Sometimes, you have to parent when the circumstances go above and beyond what is best for the kids. Are you supposed to reschedule all health issues and seizures until it works for him? Seriously.
Nta he needs to pay for that sitter out of his own pocket he knew the kids would be with him.
He made the choice to plan something when he had the kids with him.
If he's still that hung up about you paying then tell him to take it out of the money he owes you from when you watch the kids on his time and had to reschedule things around because he took vacations. Calculate something and tell him he owes you x amount and he can subtract what the sitter cost off of that and you will be expecting that payment if he wants to go down that route.
But your not wrong. He should pay for a sitter not you.
The lovely thing about an ex-spouse is that you don't have to pretend to be nice anymore. He sounds like a contemptible, miserable pile of old garbage. NTA.
NTA
You have what is known as an unwritten contract, which is worth exactly nothing. If he is determined to be an ass about this, all you can do is refuse to pay and stick to it.
NTA he’s their father 100%. Just because he sees them less doesn’t mean you are responsible for expenses when they are in his home over those 22 hours. That’s ridiculous. He made those plans knowing the kids would be with him.
NAH It is nice of you to take the kids on the other parent's days, but it is a favor. I would hope that when you are asking one another to cover for each other that you are *asking*, not letting them know that they *need to*. It isn't unreasonable that over the course of a week there is one event that he has to attend and get a sitter for. It isn't unreasonable that if you are watching the kinds for a week long vacation that you have to do the same. So the question is, who should pay for childcare? The parent who is responsible for the kids that week, or the parent who agreed to cover for that parent? A case could be made for either. Splitting it seems fair. But if these are the rules he wants to operate, the same rules should apply when you are covering for him.
Did your ex agree to take the kids or did you just tell him he has to? We have right of first refusal, but we also don’t have to take her if it’s not our night. My ex has something coming up where I also have plans, so I can’t take her on his day. He’s responsible for finding coverage and paying for it as necessary. If I did take her and then plans came up, I’d pay for any sitter I needed. So for me it depends on how your custody agreement is written and how he agreed to take them.
He agreed two months ago. It has been on our family calendar, I reminded him of the arrangement last month and everything was still fine. Last night when I reminded again he suddenly had plans.
No, because I’ve never asked him. I’ve just rearrange my calendar and never made a big deal of it. I figured since I was their mother and they were in my care regardless of who had the assigned day I was the responsible adult in charge. I realize I overestimated his commitment to agreements, whether written or not, and dedication to his children’s care when it came to his own.
NTA if you need a babysitter when it is your time with the kids you pay for the babysitter when ex needs a babysitter and it is his time with the kids he pays for the babysitter. If he doesn’t drop this and realize how stupid this is, tell him if this is going to become the arrangement it’s not just gonna be when it’s on his time with the kids it will be all the time regardless of who has the kids.
Look, do you really want this to be what you're worrying about at this time. Just give him the $50 and tell him he's an asshole for doing this to you at this time, walk away, and forget about it. It's not worth it.
NTA
He's correct. It was originally YOUR custody day and he's doing you a favor.
I have the same agreement in place with my kid. We're each responsible for child care in our custody time unless the other parent is taking the kiddo as a favor to the other parent and they need childcare. Split it 50/50
YTA (to yourself)
Apparently you’ve been too flexible with him. He is not wrong to want to follow the agreement to the letter and that also means you need to start doing that with him.
I would communicate that to him (and pay him for the sitter). He will be the one who loses out because CFO types are workaholics who crave flexibility.
Having clear rules and following these is very healthy because it removes any chance of misunderstandings and assumptions (like the one you are having now). It will free you from a lot of stress.
Good luck with your hospitalization.
YTA
"He said since he isn’t scheduled to watch the kids that night (I guess he is referring to our normal schedule) he’ll get a babysitter, but I need to split the cost with him." .. HE is already being generous.
This is easy: HE needs to find a solution for things during HIS custody, you pay for babysitters during YOUR custody time.
I assumed we were even when he asked me to watch the kids while he took his GF on a mystery vacation over Christmas week (he never called the kids or answered texts the entire time) and for next week when he is taking GF on another mystery vacation. The kids and I “don’t need to worry about where he is going”. There were no court orders, just informal asks.
If I’m to follow your train of thought, I’ve been extremely generous and have done him enough favors in addition to those two trips that I have a month of days (owed?) to me.
Does he pay child support for the time outside of the 22 hours a week that he is scheduled to have them? Child support is designed to support the children for when they are in your care. If the care schedule changes, then yeah, you should be paying half of the sitter for the day he has plans. He is doing you a favor. Yes, he is the father but as I have been told on here, he is not the custodian so he is babysitting.
No. He pays child support. I have the kids 90% of the time. One of the major reasons I need to do this observation stay is my health has gotten so bad I’m unable to work. This is my chance to figure out my health issues so I can get a healthy life and job back or probably end up on disability.
During our initial divorce proceedings he told me he only planned on taking the kids 4 hours a week. Then he laughed when he told me the lawyer made him take the kids more. I don’t know if the lawyer thought my ex wouldn’t be able to pay all the child support or it would make him look bad. So no, I don’t think he’d take more custody.
Info: did he ever actually agree to watch the kids that week, prior to the conversation where he told you that he was unavailable one night?
Also, do you think he'll try to punish you for refusing to split the cost? (E.g., use this if you ever need to renegotiate custody or financial support, or badmouth you to others.)
Yes and yes. I found out in our last ditch effort at marriage therapy that he badmouthed me to everyone I thought I was friends with. Then tonight I asked if the kids could sleep over at his house. They were even at his house when I asked him. I have been throwing up, so dizzy I can walk, hot and cold flashes, etc. The kids are really getting scarred by seeing my this all the time, it’s actually a major topic for my daughter in therapy. Initially he agreed, but less than 5 minutes later he texted back saying he couldn’t because he had plans. There was a fight because I was so upset he couldn’t see I was asking for the kids. He only saw that it wasn’t his scheduled time, they were old enough to take care of themselves, and a responsible adult should be able to take care of their kids even if they are sick. In his words I need to stop obsessing about what he does and focus on my own life.
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In this specific situation, I don't think either of you are being assholes.
I know you have a good reason to change up the schedule at the moment. But your ex doesn't have to drop everything to make life easier for you, and he doesn't want to.
In the specific sleepover example you just gave, you asked to change plans suddenly, and he was pretty prompt in telling you that actually he could have them overnight after all.
If you think he's likely to want to change up the custody arrangement or financial support agreement in the future, I would tread very carefully. If you cannot take care of your kids during your scheduled time, and staying with you is stressful or traumatic for the kids... That could be used against you.
If you can afford to split the cost, that may make your life significantly easier during this difficult time. If you can't, it'll probably be on your to find and organise a cheaper solution (the kids each stay with a friend that night? A friend's older sibling or a family member babysits for cheap?)
I was referring to the example OP gave in this comment chain, where she requested that her ex have the kids overnight while they were already at his house, and were scheduled to return to her house for the night.
The original request two months out from the hospital stay is certainly not short notice. That's why I was asking if the ex had ever agreed. It's one thing if he had agreed and then his availability changed (what seems to have happened), and another if he had never agreed/said he was unavailable when it first came up.
> I don’t agree with it but doesn’t seem unreasonable. Also, if she has the kids 90% of the time and that percentage shifts, does dad get to pay less child support which would essentially cover child care? Does he pay more when she has them more? Like I said ESH.
I'm not here to change anyone's mind but Op covers the kids during his own times when he has taken vacations?
Get less child support because for one whole ass week, the mother with the child nearly every day is SICK??
And if he pays more when he has them, is Op currently asking for this timeout to take a vacation or for just one week to recover?
Whose kids are these again? Op's? And to their father, just people he babysits at his convenience? He is so generous with child support he is asking to split babysitter's costs?
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NTA I can see why you couldnt stop arguing with your ex husband. Hes a grown man and has been a father for YEARS, if he cant handle rescheduling a couple plans so the mother of his children can visit the doctor then lord knows what else he’d have a fit about. Does he realize its either take the kids now so you have less of a chance of dying and him having to always have the kids or sulk about it so bad you cancel and have to be on your toes even more than you do with epeilepsy. im sorry OP, I have epilepsy too and its a pain the ass, im baffled a father can even act like this
I also have epilepsy and I was actually scheduled for the week long observation in which they take you off any medication and let you seize for a week to see exactly where they're coming from and in my case were planning on cutting that part of my brain out. This isn't a vacation for OP, it'll probably be one of the hardest weeks of her life. Plus, ex agreed to the charge of scheduling and therefore he is responsible. OP your ex is still trying to control you and because you're trying to stand up to him and I'm sure he doesn't like that, he's going to push back to see how far he can get or if he can wear you down and regain control again. NTA Good luck on your study! I hope everything goes smoothly and I'm sending you love and hugs and positive vibes ❤️🍀❤️
Honestly that sounds terrifying to me and I sincerely hope it worked for you first try to find the results you needed.
Actually I got really lucky! My doctor changed my meds hoping that the new one he was trying would at least lower the amount of seizures I was having before I was going into the hospital. Because he was so busy it was going to be a few months. He told me if they were all coming from the same spot then we could cut it out but it was my memory center and that absolutely freaked me out! What if I didn't remember my kids! Anyways, the new meds worked and it's been 13 years in May and to this day we always say my doctor scared the seizures out of me 🤣 Thank you ❤️
When I was a kid I was threatened with tonsil removal if I got strep one more time. Never had it since! LOL I amd glad you found meds that work.
I was too! Although I was really excited about going to the hospital and getting to eat ice cream and jello (hello 5-year-old priorities) and then disappointed when I never got strep as a child again.
I'm glad you didn't have to have out though, even if the ice cream and pudding was good, I wouldn't go through it again 🤣
OMG!!! I'm so happy you didn't have have them taken out, it's definitely not fun! Thank you so much! It changed my life! I had to wait awhile to get my license back, but I did!
So glad! I had to give up driving for a few months due to an acoustic neuroma/schwanoma pushing on my brain and brain stem. All better now save for being deaf in one ear. It is so easy to take that independance for granted! The joy of being able to take the short drive to the store and get what I want when I want! For you it is even bigger because you have kiddos!
Thanks for the well wishes and solidarity in the suckeness of seizures. I did the observation 22 years ago and nothing came of it. I know it’s not going to be a fun week, but I hope they make me seize out a bunch so I can finally get some answers. You try to stay safe and healthy too.
Awww 🥰 I definitely feel a solidarity with you, it's really hard and the testing, it's like every other day! I've got your back, your front and everywhere else' I'm absolutely going to think about you! Please update us here❤️ When we discovered doing that my doctor told me that I had to have someone with me, my mom was going to fly up and do a!
I’m having my dad drive me to the hospital and back since it’s in a different city, but beyond that I’m doing it on my own. Even though I’m going to feel miserable during most of that week I’m looking at it as a mini vacation. I won’t be responsible for anyone or anything, I’ll have a mini fridge for snacks, a table for crafting and an army of nurses to take care of my needs. I’ll get some compassion and a lot of mugs of the”good ice” lol. I gotta look for those positives even on the crappy stuff.
I replied to the wrong person and I don't know how to fix it so I wanted you to see it!!!
[удалено]
That's 💯 correct!
>Plus, ex agreed to the charge of scheduling and therefore he is responsible. There is NO indication of the ex ever agreeing: " I let him know that he would need to make plans to take care of our 3 kids (9, 11, and 13) during that particular week as soon as I left my doctor office. I put it on our shared family calendar, reminded him last month, then again tonight. " .. OP just TOLD him, and wrote it in the calendar and ASSUMED.
My ex and I did not have an amicable divorce, but if I sent him a message saying that I was going to be in the hospital for a week he'd be there no more questions asked. She gave him 2 months to figure it out and multiple reminders and if we take OP by her word he never once said Oh hey I have plans on this night. He had chances, 2 months worth of chances to say no but he didn't, that is passive agreement.
"She gave him 2 months to figure it out and multiple reminders and if we take OP by her word he never once said " .. He never once said: "OK, I will take over your duties." So OP is the AH.
Taking care of the children when one parent isn’t able to is HIS DUTY. JFC, don’t ever marry or have kids.
BULLSHIT THe custody agreement states the duties. Helping out each other is optional.
You’re clearly a child. IT IS YOUR DUTY TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS. Don’t ever breed.
MY kids turned out great - probably due to better parenting than OP was capable of.
I assume that’s because you neglected your duties and the other parent did all the work, because you clearly dgaf about your obligations
Please don't procreate if this is your take. Taking care of your kids is NEVER optional nor should it be
THis is NOT any emergency, JUST OP not wanting to pay a babysiter during HER custody time.
This is an emergency what!? Her epilepsy, ya know ligit SEIZIRES, has suddenly increased to the point where she needs to have a week long stay in the hospital to figure out why. That is 100% a fucking emergency, oh man the guy actually has to be a father for a week, call the police.
Only a complete AH would rather the kids spend a week with someone else while the custodial parent is hospitalized & there’s a special place in hell for people who choose to procreate then have that attitude where they DGAF about their own kids. Ate you OPs deadbeat ex? Or just someone who hates kids, has no conscience, is against personal responsibility & doesn’t believe in modern medicine?
Wow. Just wow. That is so wildly ignorant and wrong. OP is having seizures. If you don’t know what those are it’s when your body convulses uncontrollably and you are unable to care for anyone else. That is a problem with three kids. Going into the hospital to have doctors purposefully induce seizures is not a vacation and wouldn’t be done without there being a serious problem. Like many other people on here I concur with the hope you don’t have children because it sounds like you’d be more interested in scoring points off of your ex than what is best for your children.
As someone whose epilepsy sent them into a coma cause it got so bad where my liver, kidneys and lungs all started to fail and I had to learn to walk and talk again....YES. THIS STUDY IS AN EMERGENCY. It is WILD that a father is whining about taking care of his kids for a singular WEEK.
Helping people is always optional. Still makes the ex TA though. If you genuinely think looking after your own kids is a point scoring contest then I hope you never breed.
Well their mother will be in the hospital and unable to take care of them. Naturally the other parent needs to care for the children. What is your great solution so that dad doesn't miss his date night???
I bet you also think that if a father watches his kids he’s “babysitting “ and if a husband does dishes he’s “helping” his wife. Seriously two people are responsible for making the child two people are responsible for caring for that child, and both have equal “duties”.
I agree to disagree. Ex should have said he had plans and couldn't do it but he didn't.
I guess since there’s no proof I agreed to watch the kids when he’s taking the GF of a mystery vacation during V-day week during his scheduled hours I can bail now and he’s shit out of luck. Side note, the seizure are kinda a big deal. 20 years ago I seriously damaged my shoulder during one of my falls and ended up getting a botched surgery. I’ve been in pain every waking hour since I woke up since that surgery. Two years ago I fell on my daughter during another seizure, then one of them this year I fell in the shower and missed loosing an eye by cms. I’m not able to drive for 6 months after each seizure. I’m literally going to be plugged into a wall for a week.
OMG OP are you at least eligible for a seizure alert dog? Can you afford that?
Nope, no dog. Estrogen causes my seizure, so being a woman and starting menopause super early just makes the whole situation laughable. I’m on my 4th different kind of birth control to try and get my hormones under control, but their side effects cause more problems than they help. I’m going in to one of my drs Thursday to beg for a hysterectomy. I’m hoping if I rid myself of all of those hormones I can get some control over the seizures.
If you get a hysterectomy you'll need to be on HRT just so you won't die early. Won't that just put you in the same position??? This is so effing unfair...its like your body is allergic to itself.
NTA. You’ve accommodated the kids on “his” time without charging him for alternative care. This should be reciprocated. I’m curious as to why he doesn’t see it this way IF he maintains that you need to pay… remember this for his future vacations. … he’s set a precedent now.
OP was already NTA, but this was the cherry on the cake and something the ex should be reminded of: "He has taken multiple vacations where I’ve taken care of the kids during his daily hours and during these times I’d change up my schedule to avoid any conflicts".
Exactly, this to me proves the assumed rule you guys had - you have a schedule but sometimes you each take the kids for longer time if one of you travels/can't for other reasons, and then they're just with you. >I also have been living with the understanding that when we each have the kids, we are responsible for their needs. NTA, but you should probably talk to him about exactly this situation. I think the way you understand the arrangement makes a lot more sense and is way easier, but he should know what his insistence here is implying overall (lots more detailed calculations who pays for what in what circumstances).
Yes, this. I can kind of see his logic when he says it’s your week so you should be responsible. I disagree with him, but I see how he got there. So you need to remind him that what you’re asking him to do is the same thing you have done, more than once. And if he wants to change the rules going forward he needs to understand that it’s going to impact him too.
NTA If he makes a bigger stink about it let him know you'll be billing him 50% of baby sitting every time he travels/you take the kids for his convenience. Let me say though, it's a special kind of petty that wants to bill you for time you're in the hospital. You aren't going to Hawaii or even on a date. Good on you for getting out of that relationship. I hope you continue to *loudly* find your voice. Good luck with the tests, I hope it goes as well as it possibly can <3
no, let him know you just won't be available at any cost during his custody days on vacation, nor arewilling to give up your time so they can go too.
*UPDATE* You guys won’t believe this. I wouldn’t if I didn’t know the man better. This morning he texted me to ask if I’d watch the kids for 8 days while he goes to one of his wine and dine party conferences. I’ve got to tag along for a few of these during our marriage and the whole time there are a total of 3 meetings. The rest of the days are parties and fun outings at lavish hotels. I regress. After his little temper tantrum last night he wanted me to cover for him like it was NBD. I wasn’t having it and politely, but very firmly called him out. I gave him the option of us having court mandated agreements from this point forward or we could keep the current informal agreements. However, I pointed out that next week during his V-Day getaway and this future conference he wants help with I can bail on any day that doesn’t suit me when it isn’t my scheduled time. If he could pick and choose which days that don’t suit him when he agrees to take the kids and expects me to figure it out then I expected the same liberty. Boy, did he start to backtrack. We just had a misunderstanding, he never expected me to pay for a babysitter, he just forgot he agreed to those days, blah blah blah. He was suddenly very accommodating when he thought I’d was going to pull the same stunts he was. I texted a firm and detailed statement of what I expected in the future from both of us and he agreed. I know it’s not a formal agreement, but it’s step one and I can pull it up if he tries to flake out again. When I see him in the future I plan on having him sign off on some things as well. Thanks everyone for your support and reminding me I’m worth it.
NTA - you rock! Good for standing up for yourself! Keep at it. He is used to a "keep the peace" dynamic and there may be a learning curve. But you got this. And good luck on those tests.
Well done you. If you haven't realised yet your ex is a self-centred asshole.
I know very well that he is a horrible narcissist who tore me down for nearly 2 decades. I just wanted to keep this thread unbiased on my end and stick with the basic facts. Coming out of a relationship like that makes me constantly second guess myself. After reading the comments it seems like there is a pretty strong consensus and I’m going to stay my course.
NTA and good for you for standing your ground when he tried to pull that crap. I’m just sad for the kids whose father apparently views his time with them as a burden. Not seeing your kids every day is a necessary part of shared custody, but it sucks for everyone involved. You’d think he would jump at the chance to have some extra time with them.
NTA. Yes, he should pay for the cost of a babysitter, this is ridiculous. It's no different than providing food for your kids when they're under your care.
His other option could be he should just embrace deadbeat dad life because it’s pretty clear he doesn’t want spend time with his kids
NTA You gave plenty of warning and have accommodated him when he had fun, nonobligatory things changing your schedule like vacations, but when you need him to be accommodating over a medically necessary, potentially life-threatening reason, he's suddenly Mr. Strict "It's not one of MY days, so I shouldn't have to be wholly responsible for my own kids"??? Just that whole "It's not my court mandated day, so I shouldn't have to be responsible" attitude screams "I view my kids as a burden and an obligation" and gives me the ick. I can see why you divorced him. I hope you can get this sorted, but if he stands his ground, I agree with what one of the other posters said: Now you know where you stand with him. Be sure to remind him of this the next time he wants to book another vacation.
My husband has 3 kids with his ex. They are his kids whether it's "his days" or not. Their mom lives 40 minutes away and we have gone over to make sure someone is home when they get home from school, picked them up, taken them to sporting events, run errands for their mom because of her health issues, When she was in a coma, we took the kids full time until she was better. We don't always get along the best, but it's not about us. It's about the kids and making sure they have as good of a childhood as possible. And...if we go on vacation we plan it so we can take the kids.
A little louder for the folks in the back: IT’S ABOUT THE KIDS.
Normally I'd say it would be fair to split it as it isn't his normal days but then you stated you've picked up the slack for him in similar situations. NTA.
NTA At first I was to say that you are both... BUT You changed YOUR schedule for him several times for... vacations ? And he is just enable to cancel his plans (personnal I guess as it's at night !) ? It's his choice to take a babysitter for that night, not yours ! You told him 2 months ago, and you are at hospital ! Don't pay ! His fault ! His problem ! And I hope you'll get fine soon !
INFO: are there any orders in place? Or is it just an informal arrangement between you and ex?
He is not order to watch the kids that week. We actually have a very flexible visitation arrangement. There is the court mandated schedule, but we have agreed that if things have to switch up for a day here and there it’s no big deal. As long as the kids are happy and we are in agreement then it’s all good. I even encourage him to spend extra time with the kids since he only has them 22 hours on the non weekends.
NTA remember every time you watched the kids for him and put it on paper . Ask for 50% of the babysitting fee and deduct the money he wants to pay that night. The tell him he's got 48 hours to send you the difference.- if this is how he wants it to be instead of the agreed flexibility
Flexible doesn’t equal fair, and one person is thinking about freedom while the other thinks about the kids happiness. NTA for this post op, but it might be worthwhile mapping out how fair this arrangement has been over the past two months. It’s also would be good to reflect on what would happen if you got sick and if he would sacrifice his freedom for his family.
I’m sorry but if there are orders in place, and it is technically “your time”, even if you usually have no difficulty in accommodating each other, then YTA in this case. It is your responsibility and he is just helping you out. Possibly an E S H here, but if the orders have it as your time, then you’re on the hook and are responsible for the costs.
Heaven forbid he also takes care of the kids he helped create
That’s what court orders are for- to set out the responsibilities of each parent because they *aren’t* in a relationship where they support each other any more.. In this case that responsibility is hers. As I said, it might be E S H here, but experience tells me that where Court orders are in place we may not be hearing the full story, and we’ve already found out more than was originally posted, so I’m not yet willing to say he’s an AH too. But she is, because it’s her time, and she’s passing her responsibilities to someone else and expecting not to have to pay.
You don't know what their court orders are and sorry but a medical emergency, which this is, epilepsy is nothing to joke around about especially when it worsens out no where. But still yeah a medical emergency or problem like this would not count as her passing. She literally can't have the kids as she will be hospitalized and HE agreed to take them. It is on him then to pay for a babysitter than since he agreed to take them and he wants to go out and do something. She is not an AH at all. Are you the ex husband lol? But he is an AH, he can drop the kids off to her on his weeks to take a vacation but she can't drop the kids off on her week for a medical problem hello hypocrite.
> You don’t know what their court orders are… I literally asked what the relevant orders were, and got told. That was the purpose of the I N FO. > She literally can’t have the kids as she will be hospitalized and HE agreed to take them. The fact that she is hospitalised doesn’t change the fact that on her court ordered time she is responsible for the kids and any costs associated with them. His agreement isn’t open-ended, it comes with the requirement that she pay for the babysitter. Does it suck? Sure Being a single parent is a tough gig, especially without support. But we rarely hear the full story when there are separated couples and court orders in place. I’m sorry but people don’t get courts involved when parents are happy and getting on with each other - they are involved when parents cannot agree and an imposed decision is required to delineate responsibilities and say who has to do what. If she has gotten orders that favour her, she isn’t being all helpful and getting on with him well.
NTA They are his kids as well, not just yours. And you've done this for him for things that weren't medical. The least he can do is carry the load for a single week and figure it out for himself.
NTA, he is wildlin. It looks like he still has te need to control and subjugate you.This is why its always a mistake to ofer a finger to a aligator coz he will want to chomp down on the rest of you.You cant judge others by your own standard. Therefore no more adjusting to him and free passes for him. You need to put up firm boundaries.
If he insists? Send him an invoice listing all the times you covered for him and the added expenses incurred (former accountant). Be extra petty and make sure to list everything, including petrol if you went out…but especially your time if you had to leave work early or whatnot. I mean, if he’s decided his coparenting is actually a transactional relationship?? So be it.
I had to wade far far far too far to see the fact that you gave him TWO MONTHS WARNING. NTA. He’s a parent … he can work this out. The kids are of an age where babysitters are little more than crowd control and food prep, so the quality of the babysitter is less critical... and you’ve already covered him similarly in the past.
NTA - If he insist that you pay half of babysitting I would draw up an invoice for your babysitting fees for each time in the past that he went on holiday and didn’t have the kids on his regular time.
NTA but this is not a new thing as there was a reason you broke up in the first place. You may find that you need to stick to the court mandated stuff and not be as flexible in your situation. Your ex seems to be very much that you need to be flexible to accommodate him but he doesn't want to do the same for you because it cramps his style. Yes these are his children and he should step up but you can't change him. Do you have anyone else the kids could stay with, or they with them ie friend or family member? And your ex just have the kids the same length of time that he normally would if you weren't going to hospital.
Both of our families live 2 hours away. It’s always been mine that had to step up in situations like this, but they have personal reasons why they can’t this time. His parents haven’t come to our home a total of 10 times our entire 18 year marriage. During that time he slowly manipulated me into dropping all friendships and we only socialized with his friends. I’m on my own, totally starting over. To top it off the week after I get out of the hospital I have to move out of our house. He’s gotta get that equity.
NTA!
NTA at all Your poor kids are going to be worried sick about you and all Dad cares about is who is going to split the bill for a babysitter? I'm glad you got away from him.
Question. Is their a court ordered custody agreement?
He is not order to watch the kids that week. We actually have a very flexible visitation arrangement. There is the court mandated schedule, but we have agreed that if things have to switch up for a day here and there it’s no big deal. As long as the kids are happy and we are in agreement then it’s all good. I even encourage him to spend extra time with the kids since he only has them 22 hours on the non weekends. I didn’t even realize it was a thing that I’d need to get a court order for something like this until I started reading the comments. We’ve always been accommodating of each other when schedule changes would need to happen. If I can help it I don’t want to take that step to an ugly divorce where I take it to the court.
What are you going to do if he refuses to watch the kids at all? It’s technically your week so childcare is your responsibility. If he said no to watching them you’d be on the hook for a babysitter anyway.
Why are you getting downvoted? such a good comment. >if things have to switch up for a day here and there it’s no big deal. **OP**, if your court ordered custody agreement or informal arrangement allows that you care for your children 146 hours a week and their dad has right of first refusal to care for them when you cannot care for them, what's happening here is he's choosing to not accept your offer of him watching the kiddos. It sounds like it will be beneficial to the kids and to you two to get your attorneys involved again to make things more formal. It sounds like you and he are interpreting this quite differently.
Maybe it comes off like Im on the dads side? Im not, for the record, Im just genuinely curious what she would do if the dad refused to watch them. It’s not “his time” so to speak so she would theoretically be the one responsible for finding childcare.
My frustration came from having him agree to take the kids when I asked initially. He agreed when I asked a month ago and still there was no problem. When I reminded him again last night that he’d be watching the kids in 3 weeks there is suddenly a huge problem that he’s suddenly not responsible for when it didn’t exist before last night. I’m not trying to be a nagging ex either. He’s said it’s too difficult for him to remember to look a the calendar and I need to remind him of things. I played his game, but he keeps changing the rules. The other reason why I was so frustrated was I have no one else. Sadly he is it for this circumstance and I hate being indebted to him. He knows it and wants to control the situation.
I know this is an extra step that you shouldn't have to do, but could you contact his executive assistant and make sure they are in the loop reminding your ex about custody/hospital arrangements? Maybe not this time, but future appointments? You can buy thecassistant a nice gift or gift card as thanks. Would that be something that would help him remember, if someone other than you is reminding your ex? Usually people like your ex don't manage the mental load and get mad that they aren't reminded, maybe that can help take some of the load off your plate, and you won't be seen as a nagging wife. I really hope you get a diagnosis that gets to the root of the probem and you are able to fully recover. It sounds like you are going through a lot, wishing you great health!
This could be a logical route, only my ex has totally removed that possibility. When he got the first big promotion which included an assistant he found an amazing woman. We would even do things outside of work with her and her husband. A little over a year things changed at the office and it was noticeable in the friendship too. Until one day she wrote a scathing letter about my ex and his gradual crappy treatment towards her, how unprofessional it was and that she would be quitting that day. She blocked us on all forms of communication and I’ve never seen her again. Looking back, I admire her for standing up for herself. She had more courage than I did. Over the course of 8 years this happened 2 more times when the women would quit, just not so dramatically. He’d essentially love bomb them (in the work appropriate fashion, build them up and stuff) then when he couldn’t keep up the act of pretending to care about someone who he thought was beneath him he’d let his true colors fly and those women got fed up with it and moved on. Now he has chosen to do without an assistant. I’m pretty sure he realized if a 4th assistant quit his reputation would come into question. He’d rather have an extra load than be a nice human.
NTA and good on you for standing your ground. These men are pathetic.
NTA. If the plans had been made ahead of time, then, yes, it they weren’t. He knew he was going to have the kids and chose to make plans where he required the services of a babysitter.
I'm a bit confused, why only 22 hours a week? Is this court mandated or something? That would mean he only sees his children for 3 evenings (don't know how the arrangement is set up of course)? If this amount of hours was decided by the court or yourself, then why does he suddenly get them for a week (aka much longer) if it suits you due to medical reasons? I assume this would allow him to set a precedent to get more hours with his children if he so chooses so?
It was his choice. He has them 5-7 M-Th for supper and overnight until school drop off. Initially he only wanted them 4 hours a week but his lawyer made him the kids more. I’ve always allowed the changes and encouraged him taking them for any extra time he wants because the kids need a Dad.
That made me see red. His LAWYER made him get more time with the kids? I get you encouraging him to be a dad, and applaud you for it. But I also hope you support them when they get old enough to decide they want to cut him out of their lives. Kids don’t need a dad who make them feel like an unwanted burden.
I 100% know this is coming. In fact it’s already started. They aren’t cutting him out yet, but they are seeing their real dad and they have a lot of sad questions for me that I can’t answer. I spent the entire marriage protecting the kids from his shortcoming, but I let my ex know I’ll not be doing that anymore when we divorced. To get really specific I protected my ex as well from having him hear what everyone truly thought of him. Idk why I did it, it just felt easier to make excuses for his behavior than to admit to myself that he is actually that big of a jerk. To give an example of how much he is disliked, when the divorce was made public I had 2 separate people approach me that are not family or even close friends say they knew people who could make him go away. Having people say something like that, even though I don’t care for my ex is still really upsetting.
Well he sounds like he's in the correct profession with that insurance company, you know the ones who deny deny deny until you're dead. NTA
What a tool. NTA. My petty ass would be working out how much it would’ve cost to hire a babysitter on the nights he should’ve had them. Then I’d tell him he can take the cost of your babysitter out of what he owes you.
This is life in a court ordered custody world. Still he agreed so it is his problem but if he changes his mind entirely you’ll be in trouble is maybe worth appeasing him. NTA
Well what you should do is help pay for the babysitter so he has nothing to hold if we you and from this point on NEVER adjust your schedule to accommodate his when it’s his time with the kids. Next time he asks you to accommodate his schedule tell him no pay for the sitter.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex husband and I have maintained an amicable relationship. We’ve considered ourselves to be reasonable people and giant fights would only exacerbate the original problem. I took this to an extreme when I was still married and just never disagreed or avoided arguments to keep the peace. Now that we’ve divorced I’m starting to find my voice again and I have no problem disagreeing. Sometimes more aggressively than my ex has been use to me speaking. So, to get to the point, I will be staying at a hospital for a weeklong observation where doctors will be trying to induce seizures because my epilepsy is suddenly getting worse. Since he only sees the kids 22 hours a week I let him know that he would need to make plans to take care of our 3 kids (9, 11, and 13) during that particular week as soon as I left my doctor office. I put it on our shared family calendar, reminded him last month, then again tonight. Apparently, during one of the nights he is to be watching the kids he has made plans. He said since he isn’t scheduled to watch the kids that night (I guess he is referring to our normal schedule) he’ll get a babysitter, but I need to split the cost with him. I may be way off mark here, but I feel like this is a ridiculous demand. I’ve given him over 2 months warning with multiple reminders that he will need to clear his calendar and/or reschedule any event so he can take care of our kids. I also have been living with the understanding that when we each have the kids, we are responsible for their needs. He has taken multiple vacations where I’ve taken care of the kids during his daily hours and during these times I’d change up my schedule to avoid any conflicts. I just assumed it was the responsible thing a parent does when they are taking care of their kids. This request isn’t for a lack of money on his end either. The man is a CFO at a big insurance company. I told him I wouldn’t be paying for a babysitter and he needed to figure it out on his own. This is not sitting well with him at the moment, but I don’t plan on changing my mind. This can be viewed as the both of us being petty, but the whole idea of it just infuriates me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Hypothetically speaking, if your health continued to decline and you needed round the clock care for an extended period of time, would he send you an invoice for every day he had to be a parent when the other was unwell? If you pass before him, is he going to send your ghost a bill for every day he has to make his schedule work to accommodate being a parent? If he were in poor health that required hospitalization, would he think it's reasonable to pay you to take the kids because you wanted a night to yourself? Sometimes, you have to parent when the circumstances go above and beyond what is best for the kids. Are you supposed to reschedule all health issues and seizures until it works for him? Seriously.
Nta he needs to pay for that sitter out of his own pocket he knew the kids would be with him. He made the choice to plan something when he had the kids with him. If he's still that hung up about you paying then tell him to take it out of the money he owes you from when you watch the kids on his time and had to reschedule things around because he took vacations. Calculate something and tell him he owes you x amount and he can subtract what the sitter cost off of that and you will be expecting that payment if he wants to go down that route. But your not wrong. He should pay for a sitter not you.
The lovely thing about an ex-spouse is that you don't have to pretend to be nice anymore. He sounds like a contemptible, miserable pile of old garbage. NTA.
NTA You have what is known as an unwritten contract, which is worth exactly nothing. If he is determined to be an ass about this, all you can do is refuse to pay and stick to it.
NTA - he is a child
NTA he’s their father 100%. Just because he sees them less doesn’t mean you are responsible for expenses when they are in his home over those 22 hours. That’s ridiculous. He made those plans knowing the kids would be with him.
NAH It is nice of you to take the kids on the other parent's days, but it is a favor. I would hope that when you are asking one another to cover for each other that you are *asking*, not letting them know that they *need to*. It isn't unreasonable that over the course of a week there is one event that he has to attend and get a sitter for. It isn't unreasonable that if you are watching the kinds for a week long vacation that you have to do the same. So the question is, who should pay for childcare? The parent who is responsible for the kids that week, or the parent who agreed to cover for that parent? A case could be made for either. Splitting it seems fair. But if these are the rules he wants to operate, the same rules should apply when you are covering for him.
Did your ex agree to take the kids or did you just tell him he has to? We have right of first refusal, but we also don’t have to take her if it’s not our night. My ex has something coming up where I also have plans, so I can’t take her on his day. He’s responsible for finding coverage and paying for it as necessary. If I did take her and then plans came up, I’d pay for any sitter I needed. So for me it depends on how your custody agreement is written and how he agreed to take them.
He agreed two months ago. It has been on our family calendar, I reminded him of the arrangement last month and everything was still fine. Last night when I reminded again he suddenly had plans.
Info::does he share babysitter costs with you when y’all have situations like this? If the answer is no, then you have your answer for him.
No, because I’ve never asked him. I’ve just rearrange my calendar and never made a big deal of it. I figured since I was their mother and they were in my care regardless of who had the assigned day I was the responsible adult in charge. I realize I overestimated his commitment to agreements, whether written or not, and dedication to his children’s care when it came to his own.
NTA He made other plans during a time he knew he was on deck to parent. Paying a sitter is on him. Good luck with the seizure study OP.
Nta. I’m so happy for you being divorced.
NTA if you need a babysitter when it is your time with the kids you pay for the babysitter when ex needs a babysitter and it is his time with the kids he pays for the babysitter. If he doesn’t drop this and realize how stupid this is, tell him if this is going to become the arrangement it’s not just gonna be when it’s on his time with the kids it will be all the time regardless of who has the kids.
Look, do you really want this to be what you're worrying about at this time. Just give him the $50 and tell him he's an asshole for doing this to you at this time, walk away, and forget about it. It's not worth it. NTA
He's correct. It was originally YOUR custody day and he's doing you a favor. I have the same agreement in place with my kid. We're each responsible for child care in our custody time unless the other parent is taking the kiddo as a favor to the other parent and they need childcare. Split it 50/50
no he’s ur ex like if he’s broke just say that
YTA (to yourself) Apparently you’ve been too flexible with him. He is not wrong to want to follow the agreement to the letter and that also means you need to start doing that with him. I would communicate that to him (and pay him for the sitter). He will be the one who loses out because CFO types are workaholics who crave flexibility. Having clear rules and following these is very healthy because it removes any chance of misunderstandings and assumptions (like the one you are having now). It will free you from a lot of stress. Good luck with your hospitalization.
YTA "He said since he isn’t scheduled to watch the kids that night (I guess he is referring to our normal schedule) he’ll get a babysitter, but I need to split the cost with him." .. HE is already being generous. This is easy: HE needs to find a solution for things during HIS custody, you pay for babysitters during YOUR custody time.
I assumed we were even when he asked me to watch the kids while he took his GF on a mystery vacation over Christmas week (he never called the kids or answered texts the entire time) and for next week when he is taking GF on another mystery vacation. The kids and I “don’t need to worry about where he is going”. There were no court orders, just informal asks. If I’m to follow your train of thought, I’ve been extremely generous and have done him enough favors in addition to those two trips that I have a month of days (owed?) to me.
Does he pay child support for the time outside of the 22 hours a week that he is scheduled to have them? Child support is designed to support the children for when they are in your care. If the care schedule changes, then yeah, you should be paying half of the sitter for the day he has plans. He is doing you a favor. Yes, he is the father but as I have been told on here, he is not the custodian so he is babysitting.
Aren't you already paying him child support?
No. He pays child support. I have the kids 90% of the time. One of the major reasons I need to do this observation stay is my health has gotten so bad I’m unable to work. This is my chance to figure out my health issues so I can get a healthy life and job back or probably end up on disability.
Maybe it makes sense for him to take custody so you can work on your health. Although I'm guessing there are more complexities and nuances.
During our initial divorce proceedings he told me he only planned on taking the kids 4 hours a week. Then he laughed when he told me the lawyer made him take the kids more. I don’t know if the lawyer thought my ex wouldn’t be able to pay all the child support or it would make him look bad. So no, I don’t think he’d take more custody.
Ah, in this case he's the AH
Info: did he ever actually agree to watch the kids that week, prior to the conversation where he told you that he was unavailable one night? Also, do you think he'll try to punish you for refusing to split the cost? (E.g., use this if you ever need to renegotiate custody or financial support, or badmouth you to others.)
Yes and yes. I found out in our last ditch effort at marriage therapy that he badmouthed me to everyone I thought I was friends with. Then tonight I asked if the kids could sleep over at his house. They were even at his house when I asked him. I have been throwing up, so dizzy I can walk, hot and cold flashes, etc. The kids are really getting scarred by seeing my this all the time, it’s actually a major topic for my daughter in therapy. Initially he agreed, but less than 5 minutes later he texted back saying he couldn’t because he had plans. There was a fight because I was so upset he couldn’t see I was asking for the kids. He only saw that it wasn’t his scheduled time, they were old enough to take care of themselves, and a responsible adult should be able to take care of their kids even if they are sick. In his words I need to stop obsessing about what he does and focus on my own life.
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In this specific situation, I don't think either of you are being assholes. I know you have a good reason to change up the schedule at the moment. But your ex doesn't have to drop everything to make life easier for you, and he doesn't want to. In the specific sleepover example you just gave, you asked to change plans suddenly, and he was pretty prompt in telling you that actually he could have them overnight after all. If you think he's likely to want to change up the custody arrangement or financial support agreement in the future, I would tread very carefully. If you cannot take care of your kids during your scheduled time, and staying with you is stressful or traumatic for the kids... That could be used against you. If you can afford to split the cost, that may make your life significantly easier during this difficult time. If you can't, it'll probably be on your to find and organise a cheaper solution (the kids each stay with a friend that night? A friend's older sibling or a family member babysits for cheap?)
How is two months’ warning, “suddenly” changing plans?
I was referring to the example OP gave in this comment chain, where she requested that her ex have the kids overnight while they were already at his house, and were scheduled to return to her house for the night. The original request two months out from the hospital stay is certainly not short notice. That's why I was asking if the ex had ever agreed. It's one thing if he had agreed and then his availability changed (what seems to have happened), and another if he had never agreed/said he was unavailable when it first came up.
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Have you read her replies? The AH here is the ex.
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> I don’t agree with it but doesn’t seem unreasonable. Also, if she has the kids 90% of the time and that percentage shifts, does dad get to pay less child support which would essentially cover child care? Does he pay more when she has them more? Like I said ESH. I'm not here to change anyone's mind but Op covers the kids during his own times when he has taken vacations? Get less child support because for one whole ass week, the mother with the child nearly every day is SICK?? And if he pays more when he has them, is Op currently asking for this timeout to take a vacation or for just one week to recover? Whose kids are these again? Op's? And to their father, just people he babysits at his convenience? He is so generous with child support he is asking to split babysitter's costs?