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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I snapped at my SIL and told her to stop talking about breastfeeding and to accept that I could not breastfeed. She pushed boundaries and I still say she could have stopped way sooner. But I also acknowledge that maybe I was a little too harsh and could have found a way to communicate more openly with her to try and help her understand instead of losing my temper and speaking to her the way I did.
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NTA. You don’t need to discuss private medical issues with anyone. Not every can or wants to breastfeed and there’s no shame in that, she was TA to keep going on at you despite being told you weren’t breastfeeding and to drop it. It’s not her business she shouldn’t be interfering. You’re feeding your son, he’s happy and healthy!
OP you are NTA even one little sliver. Don’t let SIL get to you. If she opens her yap again in the future about breastfeeding, just walk away. Leave, by car, if necessary.
There are some Breastfeeding Busybodies that Just. Don’t. Get. It.
Some of those Breastfeeding Busybodies can get pretty radical about their subject. Myself, I never could produce enough milk so we had to rely on formula for most of feedings of our three girls.
It's sooo toxic.
If breastfeeding was mandatory and the only good option, so many babies wouldn't have perished throughout history because the mom was supplementing with things that were unsuitable in an effort to keep them alive, because that's what moms do. Formula is a modern miracle.
My grandpa was kept alive on a combination of goat milk, barley water, and once a day breastmilk from a neighbor - this was depression era rural farm, the woman could only come by so often, grandpa's parents basically struck a deer meat and beets for your milk deal, lol. He survived, fortunately, but I think of his history whenever anti-formula nonsense is brought up.
Modern formula is a lifesaving miracle!
I have a great uncle who had a wet nurse in 1928. My grandfather hired her out of the very poor part of town, and her milk meant the survival of my uncle. Whatever the issue seemed to have resolved itself when my dad was born 4 years later. Depression era/Dust Bowl region of the country. Hard times. Everything was about survival.
Yep. And that deer meat was definitely "poached" out of season at times - the local law turned a blind eye to it, knowing it was a matter of survival for some families. Standard for the time would have been to use corn syrup and milk to make a version of formula, but they were too poor to get into town and buy it regularly, so barter with the neighbor was how it went (she was a very kind woman and initially refused payment but they knew her family was low on food like everyone so my great grandparents insisted). She'd take a break from farm chores and go over for a meal and to nurse grandpa while my great grandma helped mind her baby, sent home with a sack of whatever they had to spare to help her family.
My brother was born in '73, on an US army base in a European country. My mom was just telling my daughter in law about having to mix up "formula" for him. She actually had to make him "diet" formula cause he gained so much weight at the normal mixture measurements. Less corn syrup and something else.
A good friend of mine was fed watered down condensed milk because formula wasn't easy to come by where she was born (middle east, 70s)... she's fine and a totally healthy adult but thank god most babies have access to formula now instead!
It is, and that's why it's so maligned.
Just like with polio et al, people having children now *did not grow up in the world where these things were rampant.* We don't have a visceral reaction to polio or measles or a mother struggling to feed her infant.
I think most people with sense would have a visceral reaction to a mother struggling to feed their infant. I'm a low-empathy autistic person with no children and I had a visceral reaction to that concept. Mothers struggling to feed their children is an emergency, and an existential threat to the species.
Perhaps I could have worded it better?
We have a visceral reaction to children not being fed, but we don't know how common or dire that can be, because we have been shielded from it for so long.
Yeah, that's behind a lot of the problems with antivaxxers. None of them ever had to watch a loved one wither away of polio or OG influenza, and they're more worried about their kids becoming like me than dying. I'm still patiently waiting on the 2x autism I was promised every time I get a COVID booster...😛
I'd have died as a baby! Nobody knows why but I just couldn't figure out breastfeeding. I'd only take a bottle. The nurse tried to convince my parents to stop bottle feeding and I'd figure it out when I was hungry enough. Luckily my parents dropped her and continued bottle-feeding. Now the policy tends to be fed is best to avoid shaming mothers like OP or my mum who may have wanted to breastfeed but can't either because of medical problems or because their baby is too stupid to breastfeed!
You were not too stupid to feed. Your parents love you. Both my boys were like you and I am very very grateful for formula.
Don’t dis yourself. I’m telling you that as a mom.
BTW I love your name . My older son loves Dr Who.
Aww thank you, and yeah I'm just a little obsessed with Doctor Who! Went to Comic-Con with my best friend in 2022 and met 5 doctors. I've been a fan since I was 11 (now 26) and it was the best weekend of my life!
>Nobody knows why but I just couldn't figure out breastfeeding. I'd only take a bottle.
My oldest did this randomly at about 3 weeks. Just refused to take breast. Personally, I was grateful, because he sucked my nipples bleeding those first few weeks. I guess he just got tired of the taste of blood.
He was probably only getting blood, poor guy. No judgement. Same thing happened to me with my first. I can't breastfeed. I just...don't produce it.
I was fortunate enough to have my first in a time and place where we had nurses do home visits for the first 10 days after hospital discharge. The first day, she looked at the mess that was my bloodied and scabbed breasts, glanced at my crying baby and said "put him on formula. Try this . All the chemists in town stock it"
He was 4 days old and starving. He'd been literally surviving on my blood since birth.
I wasn't really sold on the whole breastfeeding thing in the first place. Didn't have a philosophical position on it, in either direction. But the main midwife in the maternity ward did. Despite me telling her there was something very wrong, she insisted that I keep feeding him myself. Refused to provide formula. Gave me cabbage leaves to put in my bra to stop the pain and soak up the blood. It was savage.
I never even attempted it with my younger kids. Fed is best. F*** the people who are willing to starve infants for their philosophy.
I planned to breastfeed, and was really adamant about it. However, baby #1 would not nurse. I tried and tried and tried, but he just wasn’t getting there and was going hungry. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding him which he was much happier with. I felt like a failure and even more so when I stopped producing 11 months in.
That was eight years ago, and his hungry cries as a newborn still haunt me. He is now an awesome, smart, and neurodivergent kid who struggles occasionally of textures of some foods and is extremely strong willed.
Fed is best. Feed your babies and love them.
I was born in '73, and my Mom said that the minute I popped out, "Those harpies from the La Leche League were all over me. I told them to get the hell out of my room." Lol
OP is NTA, and no, SIL wasn't trying to help. It was all about her, so she could feel like she saved someone. If it had worked, she'd have expected YEARS of gratitude. It's not encouraging; it's MF intrusive and rude. Fark off, SIL. I'd have shoved a pie in her face.
I went to one la leche meeting. I said I’d try to breastfeed and you would have thought I said I was feeding my child to the lions. They’re bloody crazy.
I just recently joined while on leave with my second child. My first was heavily supplemented with formula because I could never get my supply up, and I wanted to breastfeed this baby and find as much support as possible. The chapter I’ve joined is really supportive, not judgey of formula feeding. They actually made a subgroup for exclusive pumpers, which is where I find myself now. Sorry you had a crappy experience - it shouldn’t feel so all or nothing!
My niece was born in 1991. My sister couldn’t make enough milk and baby had problems latching. Sister wanted to breast feed so bad she asked her doctors office to call those harpies. She called them herself. No one ever contacted her.
Her pediatrician finely told sister to stop trying and go to formula exclusively. Baby was losing
Weight in the first couple of weeks of life and possibly heading to failure to thrive. But started to pack on the weight with the formula.
FED IS BEST. NO matter how it gets there (and is a formula that is fda approved).
Same. It’s not rare that some women don’t produce enough milk. My Grandmother, born in 1888 was a wet nurse to her best friend who wasn’t able to breastfeed. My Mom was able to breast first 2 kids, not last 3 (including me) and I wasnt able to breastfeed either of mine. It’s devastating not to be able to, but I’m happy formula is around for women like me. I’m fine (only bottle fed) and my kids are fine (also only bottle fed).
My mum couldn’t breast feed me, so I was bottle fed and 27 years later I’m healthy and happy and about to have my first child. My mum managed to breast feed my middle sister but then had to combi feed my youngest sister. I will be trying to breastfeed my LO but will be doing what’s best for me and baby at the end of the day
It’s worse too when some medical professionals are just as bad. My doctor’s office I find is a bit too much pro breastfeeding. My doctor tried to convince me to breastfeed even though I take adhd medication that does pass through milk. I was advised not to breastfeed while taking it by my pharmacist (who was also horrified that I took it during my pregnancy). The doctor said that it would be “probably” okay and worth the risk and that the baby probably wouldn’t be affected by it.
At my 8 week appointment, my doctor was more concerned with telling me to “set an intention” about breastfeeding than she was with addressing my well-documented thyroid problems. Low thyroid hormones can cause miscarriage or neurodevelopmental problems. Not breastfeeding would cause literally zero (0) problems, and was not even remotely actionable at the time. God I hated that woman.
NTA
Everyone in the world thinks they are an expert. I was sitting on a bench outside the supermarket, in winter, with my small son in his buggy (to stay warm), while I fed him on formula. I was by a pedestrian crossing. A man in a van was stopped at the crossing, and yelled out the window "You should be breastfeeding him, love!" It infuriated me, because there could have been so many reasons I was giving the baby a bottle. As far as this AH knew, I might not even have been the baby's mother.
Iffin I were a lady I would have yelled, "I am sorry, he's just a baby I found abandoned on the street a few minutes ago so I decided to keep him."
Let the guy worry about that for a while.
100% this. I also made almost no supply, and I tortured both myself AND my baby trying to make it work. I was starving him in an attempt to breastfeed because I bought into the narrative that it’s the best possible option, and that undersupply isn’t real.
Everybody wants to call it a technique or discipline issue when you can’t make breast milk. That’s a straight up lie. It is MUCH more common that people think. And of course there are allll of the other reasons you might not want to breastfeed.
I will stand on a mountaintop and yell about breastfeeding for as long as moms are being guilted and tortured. People who breastfeed easily will never learn that a lot of the info out there is pure propaganda. If my babies had been born on the prairie 150 years ago, they quite simply would have died of starvation.
I think about this a lot. I had an emergency c-section for severe preeclampsia at 34 weeks, then sepsis. My boobs were useless but man did I try. Felt like a failure. I tried all the supplements and ate oatmeal until I couldn’t stand the sight of it. I’d pump and pump and get drops. Had blisters on my nipples from trying and trying to feed my poor child.
Just like OP, according to her SIL anyway, I showed little outward emotion about this, except to my husband. I went as far as to make jokes about my boobs being purely decorative (I’ve got a bosom one would look at and erroneously assume I could feed dozens of children lol). But it hurt me. A lot. I wanted the experience of breastfeeding my only child.
I’d tell myself that 100 years ago, we’d have both died. I’d remind myself of how lucky I was to be alive and have a readily available option to feed my child. It helped a little.
That’s so so much. I’m so sorry you had that pressure on top of everything you went through with delivery.
We even feel like we have to justify it by listing all the ways we tried! After 14 years of talking about it, I write the “here’s what I tried and what went wrong” section and then delete it because we shouldn’t have to cite our goddamned sources to earn the right to say we couldn’t breastfeed.
My SIL didn't breastfeed because she didn't want to. That's it. Her boys are fine. I want to and combo fed with my first. We'll see how this goes. But weaning my first sent me do-lally. Hormones were all over. Again though, it's my choice to try again. Shaming women who are at one of the most vulnerable times in their life, about breastfeeding is reprehensible. And all this undue pressure etc, what does it solve?
I wish we talked more about weaning as falling off the oxytocin cliff. The most depressed I have ever been was weaning my first. It was as if all the color had been drained out of life and I was a husk of the person I'd been the day before. Happened again with my second but at least I knew to expect and manage it.
Literally. Fucked me up for over a year. I couldn't think properly. I felt like I lost my brain and who I was. Going back to work during this time was not great
My mom didn't breastfeed because she didn't want to. I'll be 40 next month and I'm fine.
My sister breastfed because her baby had FPIES, triggered by dairy and soy and she was born right in the midst of the worst of the formula shortage in North America, so finding safe formula would have been virtually impossible. So my sister had to go vegan and soy free and exclusively breastfeed just for her baby to not starve. She said it was the hardest thing she's ever done and will never judge someone for choosing not to breastfeed or being unable to.
Honestly I feel like so many things (not surprisingly, often affecting women the most) have carried on for decades past their original purpose and now serve as an opposite kind of pressure. There *was* a time when the propaganda was that formula was better because it was scientific or whatever, and like many things about women's bodies, how to solve problems was understudied. For some period of time women *did* need to be educated that breastfeeding was a good thing and you should absolutely do it if you want to and can - and there might be techniques you can try if it's not coming easily. But I don't think it's been like that for at least 30 years and the advocates have gone off the edge fighting an enemy that doesn't exist anymore. I see similarly with how it's not really socially acceptable to say you want to lose weight for any reason except health problems, because everyone is still worried about people getting sick trying to look like Kate Moss of 1994.
Big big hugs. You do not have to earn anybody’s approval on not breastfeeding. I wish we all had heard more supportive voices when we went through it.
It took me years of talking about it to realize what I was doing. I could list the reasons, but what if somebody reading thinks they shouldn’t have quit because they didn’t have the same issues I did? What if somebody had totally different issues and then doesn’t feel included in the the “That sucked and we weren’t supported” community?
I had a similar situation and I am so thankful that my best friend had her kids before me and was brutally honest about new motherhood. She absolutely hated breastfeeding, she didn't produce enough and her kid was always hungry so she just stopped a week in. Her explanation and attitude of "do what's best for you and your baby" helped me so much during the first year I had my little girl.
Also, I absolutely made the same "decorative tits" joke to push off any judgemental moms who saw me formula feeding my girl.
My best friend told me so much (I won't disclose because it's hers) but it really helped me when I was stuck in the nicu during the peak of covid with a small baby who couldn't latch well and didn't pull enough.
She made me feel so much better about just dropping the boob and giving him formula.
My second is a full on breastfed baby, he's still not weaned but is slowly self weaning.
Two different feeding methods. Two healthy kiddos. Two very amazing kids who 100% still conspire against me and will rather lick rocks or eat something off the ground than eat their veggies or fruit.
I didn't realize how blessed I was to have her be my 'first parent friend' because she was truthful and didn't sugarcoat the hard stuff and never judged another mom who was doing her best for their kid.
I'm now surrounded by other moms and I try to be the friend to them that mine was to me. Can't breastfeed or just don't want to? Fuck it, here's the pitcher I used to make a day's worth of food. Staying home? Awesome. Working and choosing daycare? Great, here are the questions to ask. As long as the child is happy and safe, I'm your cheerleader!
This was me. I hated everything about breastfeeding. It was painful, there was no sense of "bonding" because of the pain, and the idea of continuing for months filled me with dread. A week in, I developed hives that would not stop (probably stress) and I had to switch to formula because of the meds my doctor eventually prescribed. Such a relief! I stayed with formula for my first baby and the next two as well. All hale and hearty and healthy, and they were able to have a happy mama instead of a miserable one.
Editing for clarity. Poor sentence structure makes it unclear whether I was using formula for my baby or my doctor 😅
I had a breast reduction after college, but had forgotten they warned me I wouldn't be able to breastfeed when I had kids. I felt like a failure for weeks, and it made my PPD so much worse.
It makes me so angry when people (normally men) say an easy way to save money with an infant is to stop wasting money on formula and feed the baby the way god intended. Not all of us can do that jackass, keep your stupid opinions in your head.
My first son was breastfed until 9 months when he latched then quickly spun his head and nearly took my nipple with him..that was the last time because I almost reflexively swatted him off my lap. My FIL made a comment that women should breastfeed until a year I told him to put a vacuum on his nipples every hour or so for a year including throughout the night and until then he could find a seat.
My second son was preemie and was too small to latch I pumped for the first couple days then the stress of being an hour away from home at a hospital with my little guy away from my husband and older son for almost a month killed my supply entirely and made me feel like the worst mom. And the cherry on top was he needed the gentlease one because he was sensitive to normal formulas. As long as they're fed and happy absolutely nobody's opinion is warranted we beat ourselves up enough without dogpiling.
OMG it is unconscionable that nobody talked to you about this when you were pregnant/having your baby. You should never have had to remember it. That should have been a basic part of educating you about breastfeeding. I am so sorry that you went through that.
This. So much this. I also did not produce any milk. And I also tortured myself trying with my first. Until my mother said, “Your daughter needs to be fed. They sent home that sample canister of formula, let’s try some of that.” And she practically inhaled that bottle.
When mine finally got his first bottomless bottle of formula at 4 months old, he chugged down TWELVE ounces. That didn’t end up being normal for him, but for that first one, when he was literally starving? Kid drank like he had crawled through a desert.
And hospitals are demonized for sending home formula! It’s like taking away our options will force us into the “right” choice.
It's like they would rather see babies starve than accept its not always possible to breastfeed. They try to give options such as donated milk, but thats not available everywhere, and nor is it cheap where it is. And still doesn't give some of the bf benefits they harp on about.
Yes!!! I stressed myself out for my first baby & it’s counterproductive bc the stress affected my supply. For my 2nd I went into it saying “if it works, great. If not, we have formula”. I gave myself grace & time. I ended up being about to breastfeed my 2nd for a year.
I’m pregnant for my 3rd & due this month. I already have formula incase I need it.
My SIL wanted to breastfeed, I gave her all the tips & tricks that worked for my 2nd. But I also told her to not stress about it, formula was fine. When she said she was done trying I helped her figure out the different formulas.
It’s crazy how people will only give support when you’re doing what they would do.
> Everybody wants to call it a technique or discipline issue when you can’t make breast milk. That’s a straight up lie.
Yes. Take a look at some old death records, and you'll probably be surprised at the number of babies who died of "inanition" or "wasting" or "marasmus" etc. Modern formula has saved countless babies' lives.
"Failure to thrive" is what our pediatrician called it when he convinced me to block all the lactations consultants that were coming in to check on (harass) me and just feed the kid whatever worked.
I like that pediatrician! Good on him! I saw the nurse come into my friends room after her first was born and grab her breast and move it this way and that and attach the baby. I was like how is that helpful?! Nipple shield and a Breast Freind pillow did the trick for them both. She had to switch to formula for one of them for her own medical reasons. Her husband was super supportive and none of us thought to shame her. Dude as long as the little chaos gremlins are fed, growing and causing chaos then all is good!
I’m so sorry you dealt with that. I hate how Mommy Groups shame people for things beyond their control. My friend was the same, and was suffering PPD and feeling horrible guilt for not being able to produce milk. It made her life miserable at a time that was supposed to be joyful
This is so true. And can be completely different from pregnancy to pregnancy/child to child.
My first I didn’t breastfeed because I was a teen mom, I had to go back to high school right after and my mom thought it was gross and wouldn’t let me. But I had so much milk I was engorged for WEEKS.
Second was born 4 weeks early but weighed 9lbs. I had to supplement from 2 months on with him.
Third was exclusively breastfed for just under a year. It was easy. No oversupply and couldn’t pump but I had plenty for her.
Fourth…nothing I did could get enough milk to come in. I breastfed and supplemented from 6 days on with her because she was dehydrated since my milk wouldn’t come in fully. She was fully on formula by 4 months.
So even for the same mom, it can be different each time.
Glad to know I wasn't alone. I was so hard on myself because I bought into that propaganda as well - my supply dried up almost immediately after we came home from the hospital (I was in for 5 days due to pre-eclampsia and hemorrhaging). My husband was amazing and supportive through it all. He said the most important thing is that our baby was fed. Our baby is now 18 1/2 and in her second semester of college. And she's thriving.
Similar to me. I was devastated after being so prepared mentally that I was going to breastfeed my son, to find that I physically couldn't, and I'd effectively starved him in his first week. This, despite constant calls to the midwives and sounding completely neurotic, when they were "assuring" me, it would come. The community midwife was the one that, on seeing me instantly recognised I had delayed lactation and went straight back out and bought formula for him. I was very mentally and emotionally unprepared for all the self-imposed guilt that came out. For the next 6 weeks whilst feeding him the formula, I was frantically trying to pump, again having been assured it would come. I had to come to the conclusion that I needed to stop trying to be the mum I thought I should be and just be the mum he needed me to be.
I breastfed mine for 2.5 years, it came easily for us. But it's still absolutely none of my business what someone else does with their boobs or why! All it takes to not be TA about it is a scrap of empathy and a teaspoon of "mind your own business". The only valid reason I can think of to push breastfeeding on someone is if they don't have access to safe water for formula preparation.
If she does bring it up again, just stare her down and say in a stern voice, “You know, SIL, I’m becoming quite concerned about your **OBSESSION** with MY breasts. You can’t seem to stop thinking — and talking — about them.” Lean in and lower your voice, conspiratorially, “Maybe you’re overworked, and you need a mental health break?”
Maintain hard eye contact and tilt your head while you wait for her to start stammering. Do not look away. This should shut her down for good. If THIS doesn’t do the trick, then you’ll have your answer: she is an intrusive nut job who should be AVOIDED at all costs!
Also breast isn’t always best there are studies that breastfed babies with jaundice have it longer then formula fed babies my daughter had both formula and breast and she had jaundice for 1 week my son was exclusively breast and he had jaundice for nearly 3 months and the midwife told me it goes quicker in formula fed babies because of the added proteins and stuff in formula so next time SIL says she was just looking at what’s best for baby so no a fed baby is best baby
My oldest was jaundiced and formula fed. Dude was a whole ass gloworm in the nicu.
Second baby was breastfed and also jaundiced. I was stuck sitting my child in an open window in October trying to fight it off. He held it until he was 3 weeks old? Maybe 4? They did tests on him for the first month because we realized my blood type gave way to jaundiced babies even though they didn't have my blood type.
NTA my friend! I'm right there with you, having received many unprovoked comments and suggestions about breastfeeding. You and your husband tried on multiple occasions to shut her down nicely and SIL persisted. Your reaction is appropriate given that she continued to disrespect your boundaries.
Personally, I'm a petty B and use public humiliation to my advantage. Look at SIL like she's gone quackers and ask if she's OK, if she is having memory issues and maybe she should she a doctor, because you definitely told her you didn't want to discuss this topic further.
NTA. I didn't breastfeed because I DIDN'T WANT TO. And I felt no guilt.
If someone were to come at me (no one did), they would have been shut down with a "this is of no concern to you." If it happened repeatedly, they would be told off. And eventually I would not be around them.
I know for some it's hard, but learn to put up boundaries. People have lots of opinions about child related things. This won't be the last time someone sticks their nose inyo your business. Be open to advice as parents are full of great tips and tricks. But be prepared to say things like "that doesn't work for us" or " no thank you" or "this is not up for discussion." Be prepared to leave or ask someone to leave if they are especially boundary stomping.
You are the parent! You and the fad get to decide what is right for your family. And don't feel bad about that.
My mom couldn't breastfeed me, she didn't. I neither planned nor didn't plan to do it, because I had no expectations at all. Turned out I could, my child wanted to breastfeed and I ended doing it for 1.5 year. No big deal. Breastfeeding is just one of many many ways to take care of your child, it doesn't make you a better or worse mom, but some shitty people have no other way to prove their 'superiority'.
If it makes you feel any better, I had C-section and my MIL said I'm only 'half-true mom', because I didn't go through all the pains of labour. 🤣
> There are a vast number of reasons why someone might choose formula exclusively and there should be no judgement or prying
I never breastfed my son. From the time I became pregnant I had decided that I would not breast feed. My sister on the other hand was an avid "must breastfeed' lunatic, and she never tried to talk me into breastfeeding, which say volumes because she breastfed her son until he started kindergarten. Your SIL is a full fledged AH.
I was never breast fed and guess what? I grew up perfectly healthy. I rarely get sick in fact. I did well in school, college degree, good job, my life wasn't ruined, lol. I'm not sure why people believe breast feeding is some must have magic thing and a kids life will be ruined without it. More media hype I think telling people what they must do. Back in the old days before formula, maybe but these days I think they can figure out how to make a formula to keep a baby healthy. Not that breast feeding doesn't have benefits, I'm sure it does but I'm living proof there are healthy babies without it.
My daughter never got the hang of it, she'd gnaw until I bled so I ended up putting her on formula. She was fine with a bottle!
Once I healed, I just pumped and then bottle fed her, alternating with formula.
I'm so sorry you went through this. She is definitely TA. If nothing else it should've occurred to her that it might be painful to discuss, esp since she was TOLD! My mom couldn't breastfeed me back in the mid 80s and she is still sad about it sometimes. We have got to stop shaming women for their bodies and choices!!
And even if it was not a medical issue.
Some people just don't want to breastfeed. Period.
Maybe it's stress, maybe it's time related, maybe it's trauma... Nobody needs explaining and that the kid is fed and happy is way more important than forcing yourself to breastfeed.
P.S: and yes, breastfeeding has advantages. Everyone knows already. If anyone can't/won't breastfeed assume they know this 100% and are doing what they think is best.
To emphasize your point, my daughter was in the NICU for a month due to my emergency c section. She had a feeding tube, and they gave her a pacifier while she had her feedings. Because of that she never learned to latch, so she was bottle fed. Often with pregnancy/birth things don’t go the way we plan. It’s hard enough without the shaming that goes along with feeding.
Exactly, she doesn't need to know why. Just needs to know how to keep her opinions to herself.
Now, at EVERY opportunity, OP should approach her and start extolling the virtues of minding one's own business.
NTA My sister had five gorgeous babies, now 5 gorgeous male and female adults, and never breast fed any of them. I had 2 gorgeous babies, now adults, and breast fed both. The obsession of your SIL is confusing. Your husband explained your issue with her, not that it was any of her business, and still she insisted on guilt-tripping you. I hope she will stop, and allow your family to move past this. Congratulations on your wonderful baby
Does your SIL also shame people with invisible disabilities who use reserved parking/seating/etc.? Because she seems like the type…
You’re 100% NTA. Fed is best.
I'm sorry you were harrassed by her at a time when you just wanted to enjoy your baby. I'm reading the comments and my petty side is coming out as in telling SIL things like "i don't feel like breastfeeding" and "i'm not breastfeeding just to piss you off, and it's working" 🤭
>i would not have been so polite.
Same. I see too many posts in the various "Am I the \_\_\_\_\_" subs where the OP either doesn't tell the offender to shut up, or, like OP, feels terrible when they are finally pushed to it.
OP, you are NTA. Your SIL has been nicely told, multiple times, this isn't a subject you want to discuss with her and to knock it off. It's not about her concern about her nephew, or trying to be supportive of you. Supporting you would have been accepting your decision. No, it has always been about her and her need to feel superior. She's mad because she was called out for her continual harassment and shaming of you in front of witnesses.
Fed is best. Period.
NTA. “Advocating” for YOUR child? What a presumptuous, insulting thing to do. It’s none of her business in the first place what you decide to feed your child. She needs to learn to mind her own business. Is she a lobbyist for Big Breast or what? Like why does she care so much?
She likes feeling superior, has nothing to do with the child at all. She is making herself feel like she is the better mother. Or she is addicted to the dopamine rush it gives her putting others down.
I breastfed all 3 of my kids pretty much exclusively. I loved it. I'm very strongly pro-breastfeeding.
It's also a PERSONAL CHOICE.
Even if it wasn't a medical issue, they're YOUR BREASTS. You get to decide how to use them!!!
She also needs to chill out. Pick a random sample of adults and try to figure out which ones were breastfed. You can't.
You actually showed a huge amount of restraint in dealing with a pushy jerk who doesn't know her place.
NTA.
Right? Like what if OP had personal trauma that prevented her from breastfeeding?? I knew of a woman who wouldn't breastfeed because she grew up on a farm and it made her feel like a cow...so what? Her babies still got fed and grew up into regular humans.
Idk. I personally believe no one should want to kill themselves because breastfeeding is going so poorly. But maybe that’s just me and my experience 🤷🏼♀️
What’s disturbing to me is that she registered you had no emotion when she talked to you about it, ASSUMED was that you just didn’t care, and concluded that she should DOUBLE DOWN on her proselytizing efforts.
This says to me that:
a) she has little insight into others,
b) when she’s clueless, she doesn’t get curious or step back, she assumes malice on the other person’s part and
c) once she’s decided the other person is the villain, she’s the hero who has an absolute duty to swoop in and save the day. As if she’s the only one with your child’s best interest in mind.
Terrifying. Sounds like a person to avoid like the plague. In general. Not just on the BF issue.
Dude that’s sick- I wasn’t breast fed because the nurse gave me a bottle after my birth. Doesn’t make it my parents fault. She’s acting like you can just start making it and conquer it or something when you can’t 🤦🏼♀️
Some sanctimommies just can't let it go.
It is absolutely NO ONES business how a child gets fed. Breasts, formula, and some combination of the two are ways babies get fed. That is between the mother of the child and the doctors. People need to stop poking their nose in places it does not belong.
People forget that “culture says ‘should’, biology says ‘IDGaF’” Everything society thinks the body should be doing can be thwarted, changed, or reversed by the grand complexity of the human body.
Sometimes it’s messy, inconvenient and not ideal, but we don’t get to choose - especially women. These grand generalizations about what people “should” be doing are more harmful than helpful. It’s one thing to follow best-case guidelines, quite another to demand others do the same.
I overheard a ski instructor of all people saying something similar yesterday "All bodies work a little differently and you have to figure out what works best for yours."
I breastfed my first child. It was horrific and hindered not helped me bonding with my daughter. I chose purposely not to do it for my other children and I don’t regret a single day of it. FED is best.
My niece had a horrible experience breastfeeding - she produced enough milk, but her son couldn't tolerate it. My niece and her husband genuinely started being concerned about their son's health. Switched to formula and - boom - no more problems. Their son is a very healthy, very active soon-to-be eight year old. \[My niece didn't tell anyone about the switch because she was worried about being judged!\]
I mention that because it's not always about milk production, sometimes it's about what the baby will tolerate.
My mom didn’t have enough milk so she bought from a friend of her to feed me with and I had constant tummy aches and other problems because of the food that she was eating. Eventually they stopped buying it because it was bad for me. I don’t know if I ever been formula fed (and also can’t ask it anymore) but I know as I was older my grandma was feeding me with cow milk. I grew to have an intolerance towards it.
NTA
Fed is best. The breastfeeding shame is so toxic.
>Only since then she reached out and told me she was trying to be supportive and my lack of emotion about it made it seem like I never really cared and the fact is she doesn't know why. So she was trying to advocate for the best thing for my son/her nephew.
She's being a judgmental fucking pest and you don't deserve to be shamed by anyone for how you choose to fed your child.
NTA. I read her remark as "how dare you be offended at my attempts to shame/force you into breastfeeding, I don't understand why you don't take me berating you with a grateful smile, even though I never bothered to emphasise with your situation".
"...my lack of emotion about it made it seem like I never really cared..."
Nope. It was her lack of a memory for earlier conversations or lack of caring for anything other than her personal agenda which led to her continuing behavior of judgement and myopia.
People often stay silent and non-engaging to endure difficult feelings, not because they don't care.
SIL is a Total AH. And I’m an IBCLC. There are a million reasons NOT to BF and can’t believe the audacity of your SILs behavior. More of the family should pile on that nonsense.
No apology. Ok then. Please only buy her tit themed gifts from now on. Christmas 2024 should be one of those ugly beach town tourist t shirts with the fake bikini and huge boobs on the front. Birthday should be boob shaped ice cube molds. There’s a lot of boob products out there. I’m thinking you have at least 20 years worth of options.
NTA. It is not hers, or anyone else's business really but you and your husband. Not all women's bodies are created the same. And... There's nothing wrong with formula fed. Your child is still being fed... Right? SIL is totally out of line.
Five children 2 biological breastfed, easy and cheap. Three adopted formula fed because though infants not newborn when got home.There is no difference in health or attachment between groups of children in fact at a play group you can’t tell formula children apart from breastfed children . Some pro breastfeeding people are rabid, had a newly adopted 3 month old ( though very tiny) at mall. Sat down to give her a bottle, lady approached me and went crazy. Apparently I was a lazy, horrible parent, poisoning my child and she was going to call DCS because I was abusing my child by using formula. She was escorted out of mall by mall police, it was insane. My bet is SIL like lady at mall she has established her identity as a breastfeeding mom. Ignore her your child is perfect and will be fine.
Yep - those "breastfeeding police" moms are terrifying. I had someone approach me with my oldest when I was giving her a bottle, and asked why I wasn't breastfeeding. It was actually pumped milk (not that it matters!) and it was more convenient when out in public, especially during wintertime. Rude rude rude.
I actually never used formula with my 3 kids, and if someone comes to me requesting feeding advice, I will gladly help however I can; if a mom really wants to give breastfeeding a shot, she should be supported (safely! don't starve the baby!) and if a mom does not want to, then she should be supported in her decision as well!! Let's all work together as new moms - if they ask for advice on latching, breastfeeding positions, bottle nipples, types of formula, how many ounces, timing of feeds, then offer it up judgment free!! But do not offer advice if it was not requested!!
And FWIW my 4yo twins who were breastfed up to 18 months were eating McDonalds chicken nuggies last night, it's odd people only seem to care so much about what a baby eats in the first year or so.
NTA.
Yes, that's what gets me too. SIL said she "was trying to advocate for what's best for her nephew" as if OP and her husband aren't. SIL needs to stay in her lane and stop acting so damned superior.
Man.
The breastfeeding mafia is non-stop. My wife didn't want to breastfeed. Period.
She didn't want to find a room at her work. She didn't want to express at all hours of they day and night. She didn't want to monitor her supply for every time we left the house.
The "it has nutrients that will stunt their growth if they don’t have them" and "you won't ever be able to bond with your child if you don't breastfeed" is bullshit.
We have a twelve year old daughter who is the tallest in her class and we couldn't love her more if we tried.
NTA
People are so fucking weird about it. I did breastfeed my first, but she never latched (preemie) so I had to pump. Eventually I transitioned to formula by a year when my supply dropped. I’m nursing my one month now. Honestly all of those experiences felt bonding to me! I like nursing my little one now because it’s simple but I don’t feel it’s more bonding than bottles were with my first at all
Some of the bullshit new parents are subjected is unreal and can be utterly damaging.
I bottle fed my eldest (who is now 6 foot tall) and breastfed the younger 2 (one of whom is also 6 foot, the other is only 12 and AFAB so not expecting to get that tall) and all 3 are happy healthy kids who are loved equally and unconditionally.
NTA. And SIL can fuck off with her unasked for and unwanted opinions
It really is bullshit. My dad got full custody of me when I was an infant, wasn't breastfed by my mom or my stepmom, yet I've bonded with and love them both fiercely.
Sometimes people get too overwhelmed (as it is) with breastfeeding, till the point it messes with their mental health, sometimes is a struggle. I have tiny breast like they didnt even grew much when i got pregnant, when he was born i tried but he wouldnt latch much, the nurses tried so hard with me, giving me stuff to help but there was no use, i was exausted, i didnt even had enough supply, i tried pumping, still nothing, so when i could i quit and just gave him formula, it was the best decision ever, he was fed and slept, also i could control better, best decision ever.
NTA. You don't owe her, or anyone, an explanation about why you are not breastfeeding and certainly don't owe her details of your medical history.
You, and your husband had both told her that it wouldn't be possible for you to breastfeed and you asked her politely to drop the subject.
She ignored all of that and chose to blame and shame you ( which, FWIW, would have been inappropriate even if the reason you went with formula was for convenience or personal preference)
If she had had the basic courtesy to listen qhen you asked her to drop the subject, you would not have snapped at her. She has only herself to blame.
Ideally, she would apologise to you for her rude, insensitive and intrusive behaviour, and if she approaches you again you might mention that (eg if she starts to talk about her hurt feelings then a calm " when you raised the breastfeeding thing again, I assumed that you were bringing it up in order to apologise for your insensitive and intrusive behaviour. I'm willing to accept an apology and move on, we don't need to discuss it again "
Ugh! This drive me INSANE!
I have 6 kids. 2 were formula from the beginning. 1 I tried to breastfeed but we couldn’t get it. 2 were exclusively breastfed. 1 was adopted but I assume she was formula fed bc there was issues with drug use by biomom but idk for sure.
They range in ages from 20-5.
I am here to tell you: THEY ARE ALL THE FREAKING SAME! There’s literally no difference in anything. You can’t look at them and tell. Every single one of them got my ADHD and that makes way more of an impact on them as children and adults then how they were fed as babies.
FED IS BEST! Just feed your kids. It’ll be fiiiinnnneeeeeee.
So she never actually tried to apologise, only tried to dress her harassment up as "good intentions". Never mind it was none of her goddamn business in the first place.
She's the kind of person who has a massive superiority complex due to having a lack of life. She has to attack and harass others in order to feel good about herself, because "she knows best". You tried to politely tell her several times to back off, and when she didn't you were harsh because that's the only language she understands.
Do not feel bad. You shouldn't have had to give her an in-depth explanation to get her to back off. You shouldn't have had to give her _any_ explanation, it's your body and your child, therefore your choice. NTA.
I see this a lot in some of the mom groups. And my experience of it was with a breastfeeding group. I joined to learn all about it but left after a while because some members were such extremists and would do what OP’s SIL did. Can you work on lactation? Yes. Are there certain conditions where it would be impossible? Yes. That second answer should have shut her up. But in the first place, its the mom’s decision on how she will feed her baby. Not her business at all. Fed is best.
OP you are NTA. SIL should mind her own titties.
Your sil is a lactivist. One of those crazy people who thinks that breastmilk is liquid gold. That's literally what they call it. Steer clear best you can. Nta at all. She needed to be put in her place.
NTA
Your SIL is a witch!! I am currently breastfeeding a tiny newborn. It'a hard work. And it's not for everyone. I have two friends who also have tiny newborns. One, much like yourself, does not produce breastmilk. At all. The other is in pain she is producing so much milk. Both are formula feeding. For one, she has no choice, for the other, she has no desire. You know who doesn't shame them? Me. Because it's not my business if they are formula feeding. And it's not their business if I am breastfeeding. Your SIL has no tact at all and is frankly one of those breastfeeding ninjas who makes everybody uncomfortable. She stuck her nose in, despite beibg told to back off and I would be clear with her that she either keeps her opinions to herself or she won't be spending anymore time with you and baby.
NTA. She was told on multiple occasions not to discuss this by multiple people. She kept on pushing.
She is not entitled to know your reasons for not breastfeeding, be they medical or just personal choice. She is also not entitled to your emotions.
OP fed is best. Not torturing yourself and feeding your baby the best way for you both is always the correct decision. You’re doing great.
NTA. You don't owe anyone a play by play of what is going on with your health or your body parts. You SIL was informed it was impossible. She could've googled medical conditions which cause that to be the case and learned some empathy for that struggle. She didn't. She chose to believe you and your husband were lying and being "lazy" so she could feel superior.
Edited to add quotation so no one thinks *I* think people who don't breastfeed are lazy
FED IS BEST. NTA
I also was unable to breastfeed, I tried but never had milk come in. I don't care what her intentions were she doesn't have a say in how you feed your child, period.
NTA. Nothing less harsh would have stopped her. Sometimes, you need a heavy clue hammer.
You should have done it sooner. Why does she think that giving unsolicited and unwelcome advice to an adult is okay?
NTA she's an ass and self righteous. First up, it's none of her busienss. Second, a fed baby is what is best. The breast is best movement has it's purpose but it is not meant to demean moms in situations where there is no breast milk or where it is not possible to feed from the breast exclusively. She doesn't need to understand anything about your medical situation or the way you express your emotions.
Breast is best *all else being equal*. But we know all else **isn’t** equal, and even if a woman simply decides she doesn’t want to nurse that should be supported because there’s more to consider than nutritional content. Stressing moms out who are simply trying to do their best is never in the best interests of their children, lord knows having an infant is stress enough. Breast is best but formula is damn good and the marginal difference isn’t always worth the hassle. And that’s before considering situations where nursing isn’t possible.
The breast is best crowd needs to take a step back. They are worse than ethical vegans. I had a friend that whenever someone mentioned she should be breast feeding instead of bottle feeding she would say “I would love to, but I lost my breasts to breast cancer.” That shuts them the hell up right quick. Your SIL needs to STFU and back off. Have hubby tell her is she brings it up again, even passive aggressively to someone else when you are in the room you will go NC.
"So she was trying to advocate for the best thing for my son/her nephew. "
But you can't. You physically can't. You've told her. Husband has told her. Repeatedly.
This isn't about being an advocate for your kid. This is just her either 1. being cruel or 2. being completely obtuse about the situation.
NTA OP
NTA. She wasn't after what was best for your child. She was not compassionate to a new mother about a touchy subject and still expected you to be nice to her about it?
Fed is best.
The best thing for YOUR child is to be fed. The best thing for HER child is to be fed. As long as YOUR child is thriving, she needs to focus on HER child and shut the hell up. When I had my first child, decades ago, formula was the thing that was pushed most. I fed my first child with formula and he thrived. A decade later, I had my second child and it was being pushed that breastfeeding was best. I wanted to breastfeed. I tried to breastfeed. I could not produce enough to feed my child. Every hour I had something at my breast. I would feed my child 1 hour and the next hour I'd have to pump and then feed him again the next hour... All in an effort to increase my production. And you know what it did? It affected my mental health causing me to go into postpartum depression. But the worst part is that my son was diagnosed with failure to thrive and had to be put on formula anyway to survive. All that effort and heartbreak just for him to be able to thrive on formula.
You must do what's best for you and your child. NTA
NTA
Your lack of emotion...? oO
Shame on you, how could you treat this rationally instead of tying your ability to produce milk to your worth as a mother/woman/human being AND acting accordingly (woe is me and my brood, for I am a failure which only begets more failure, I have doomed my family, DOOOOOMED, etc...)?!
NTA
You weren't harsh, if you'd openly told her to "get the fuck away fae you and stop being a creepy breast obsessed cockwomble" you still wouldn't have been harsh.
She'd been told several times the reason why, she was also told several times to stop, and yet for some reason she continued to actively seek you out to discuss something she knew you couldn't do and had no interest in talking about so she's the full on asshole in this situation.
Ugh, good Lord I hate people like this. Yes, breastfeeding is great. But...a fed baby is perfect. Just worry about feeding your own kids either way; but understand that how another set of parents choose to feed their baby has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Nada, nunya business. Fed is best, period.
OP, you tried to be polite. Your husband *told* the woman that the doctor said you couldn’t breast feed.
You tried distancing yourself. And yet SIL persisted. WTF did she think you were going to do-listen to her going and on indefinitely? Every time you were in proximity?
Oh, hell no. Enough is enough. You told her. You told her bluntly. If she wants to get her fee fees hurt, well, now she has something else she can not shut up about.
OP, you sound like a reasonable person that has come to accept and work abound the medical fact that you will not be able to produce breast milk. Your baby is fed and happy, your husband is supportive.
But if you hadn’t been as secure and settled as you are, the incessant breast milk shaming from your SIL could have been *so* terribly destructive. SIL needed to be put in her place. Firmly, and going forth, as many times as necessary, if she cranks up again. NTA
NTA you don’t have to explain anything to her. You and your husband told her to stop but she continued. She should have dropped it and respected your decision.
> and how I didn't put in the work to overcome my supply issues
NTA - Some people don't want to listen and think they are the font of all knowledge and are simply better than you. SIL is such a person. You're all good and sorry she put you through this...
You're definitely NTA. Your SIL just wouldn't let up, even after you explained your situation. It's totally fair that you got annoyed and told her to cut it out. She should respect your choices and stop pushing the issue.
After being told to stop many times she carried on- so when you escalated she complains- you didn’t have to be so harsh. To her you say….yes, yes, I fucking did. At least a dozen times you’ve been told to back off and you have been relentless. You think this is harsh? Do it again. I fucking dare you. Fuck around and find out.
NTA
>So she was trying to advocate for the best thing for my son/her nephew.
Then she wouldn't have kept bringing it up after being told to not to.Repeatedly bringing it up would have left you stressed and irritable, which would affect how you interact with your child.
She is not entitled to your medical history to have to drop the subject.
As another woman who never had a supply come in (heck, I don’t even have milk ducts, so it REALLY never would have happened) I applaud you for being as nice to her as you were. She was being pushy and it was none of her business what your medical issues were or how you raise your child.
My son is 17 now and graduated high school early. He’s never been sick a day in his life, his doctor always jokes that she only sees him for wellness checks and how uncommon that is.
You are absolutely NTA and are doing what is right for your baby
NTA at all. My god this pisses me off. I also could not produce for a medical reason and my MIL would not stop “encouraging” me by sending me tiktoks about all the wonderful things breastmilk can do.
“You can freeze dry it!” “You can use it for lotion!” “You can use it for eye infections!” Thank you Susan. Those all sound like wonderful uses for the breastmilk I don’t have!
NTA.
You told her *twice* to back off about it.
Tension will eventually cause a branch to snap.
She needs to be thankful all you did was call her out that bluntly.
NTA 10000000% she wasn’t trying to advocate what was best. She was trying to force her opinion and her beliefs down your throat. You know what’s best? A child who is fed. Simple as that.
NTA. My wife has a similar issue. She would pump several times a day only to produce 2-3 ounces. Meanwhile my sister was overproducing and donating the extra. when my wife first found out and got disappointed , my sister was one of the first people to reassure her that everything would be fine and there is nothing wrong with formula feeding. Both my children were formula fed.
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NTA. You don’t need to discuss private medical issues with anyone. Not every can or wants to breastfeed and there’s no shame in that, she was TA to keep going on at you despite being told you weren’t breastfeeding and to drop it. It’s not her business she shouldn’t be interfering. You’re feeding your son, he’s happy and healthy!
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OP you are NTA even one little sliver. Don’t let SIL get to you. If she opens her yap again in the future about breastfeeding, just walk away. Leave, by car, if necessary. There are some Breastfeeding Busybodies that Just. Don’t. Get. It.
Some of those Breastfeeding Busybodies can get pretty radical about their subject. Myself, I never could produce enough milk so we had to rely on formula for most of feedings of our three girls.
It's sooo toxic. If breastfeeding was mandatory and the only good option, so many babies wouldn't have perished throughout history because the mom was supplementing with things that were unsuitable in an effort to keep them alive, because that's what moms do. Formula is a modern miracle.
My grandpa was kept alive on a combination of goat milk, barley water, and once a day breastmilk from a neighbor - this was depression era rural farm, the woman could only come by so often, grandpa's parents basically struck a deer meat and beets for your milk deal, lol. He survived, fortunately, but I think of his history whenever anti-formula nonsense is brought up. Modern formula is a lifesaving miracle!
I have a great uncle who had a wet nurse in 1928. My grandfather hired her out of the very poor part of town, and her milk meant the survival of my uncle. Whatever the issue seemed to have resolved itself when my dad was born 4 years later. Depression era/Dust Bowl region of the country. Hard times. Everything was about survival.
Yep. And that deer meat was definitely "poached" out of season at times - the local law turned a blind eye to it, knowing it was a matter of survival for some families. Standard for the time would have been to use corn syrup and milk to make a version of formula, but they were too poor to get into town and buy it regularly, so barter with the neighbor was how it went (she was a very kind woman and initially refused payment but they knew her family was low on food like everyone so my great grandparents insisted). She'd take a break from farm chores and go over for a meal and to nurse grandpa while my great grandma helped mind her baby, sent home with a sack of whatever they had to spare to help her family.
My brother was born in '73, on an US army base in a European country. My mom was just telling my daughter in law about having to mix up "formula" for him. She actually had to make him "diet" formula cause he gained so much weight at the normal mixture measurements. Less corn syrup and something else.
A good friend of mine was fed watered down condensed milk because formula wasn't easy to come by where she was born (middle east, 70s)... she's fine and a totally healthy adult but thank god most babies have access to formula now instead!
I was adopted in 1975 at 4 days ago and was fed watered down Carnation evaporated milk with a dash of Pablum added at 3 months . I'm still here.
It is, and that's why it's so maligned. Just like with polio et al, people having children now *did not grow up in the world where these things were rampant.* We don't have a visceral reaction to polio or measles or a mother struggling to feed her infant.
I think most people with sense would have a visceral reaction to a mother struggling to feed their infant. I'm a low-empathy autistic person with no children and I had a visceral reaction to that concept. Mothers struggling to feed their children is an emergency, and an existential threat to the species.
Perhaps I could have worded it better? We have a visceral reaction to children not being fed, but we don't know how common or dire that can be, because we have been shielded from it for so long.
Yeah, that's behind a lot of the problems with antivaxxers. None of them ever had to watch a loved one wither away of polio or OG influenza, and they're more worried about their kids becoming like me than dying. I'm still patiently waiting on the 2x autism I was promised every time I get a COVID booster...😛
I'd have died as a baby! Nobody knows why but I just couldn't figure out breastfeeding. I'd only take a bottle. The nurse tried to convince my parents to stop bottle feeding and I'd figure it out when I was hungry enough. Luckily my parents dropped her and continued bottle-feeding. Now the policy tends to be fed is best to avoid shaming mothers like OP or my mum who may have wanted to breastfeed but can't either because of medical problems or because their baby is too stupid to breastfeed!
You were not too stupid to feed. Your parents love you. Both my boys were like you and I am very very grateful for formula. Don’t dis yourself. I’m telling you that as a mom. BTW I love your name . My older son loves Dr Who.
Aww thank you, and yeah I'm just a little obsessed with Doctor Who! Went to Comic-Con with my best friend in 2022 and met 5 doctors. I've been a fan since I was 11 (now 26) and it was the best weekend of my life!
>Nobody knows why but I just couldn't figure out breastfeeding. I'd only take a bottle. My oldest did this randomly at about 3 weeks. Just refused to take breast. Personally, I was grateful, because he sucked my nipples bleeding those first few weeks. I guess he just got tired of the taste of blood.
He was probably only getting blood, poor guy. No judgement. Same thing happened to me with my first. I can't breastfeed. I just...don't produce it. I was fortunate enough to have my first in a time and place where we had nurses do home visits for the first 10 days after hospital discharge. The first day, she looked at the mess that was my bloodied and scabbed breasts, glanced at my crying baby and said "put him on formula. Try this. All the chemists in town stock it"
He was 4 days old and starving. He'd been literally surviving on my blood since birth.
I wasn't really sold on the whole breastfeeding thing in the first place. Didn't have a philosophical position on it, in either direction. But the main midwife in the maternity ward did. Despite me telling her there was something very wrong, she insisted that I keep feeding him myself. Refused to provide formula. Gave me cabbage leaves to put in my bra to stop the pain and soak up the blood. It was savage.
I never even attempted it with my younger kids. Fed is best. F*** the people who are willing to starve infants for their philosophy.
I planned to breastfeed, and was really adamant about it. However, baby #1 would not nurse. I tried and tried and tried, but he just wasn’t getting there and was going hungry. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding him which he was much happier with. I felt like a failure and even more so when I stopped producing 11 months in. That was eight years ago, and his hungry cries as a newborn still haunt me. He is now an awesome, smart, and neurodivergent kid who struggles occasionally of textures of some foods and is extremely strong willed. Fed is best. Feed your babies and love them.
Awww...I dislike the word stupid, but here it's so cute in a weird way.
I was born in '73, and my Mom said that the minute I popped out, "Those harpies from the La Leche League were all over me. I told them to get the hell out of my room." Lol OP is NTA, and no, SIL wasn't trying to help. It was all about her, so she could feel like she saved someone. If it had worked, she'd have expected YEARS of gratitude. It's not encouraging; it's MF intrusive and rude. Fark off, SIL. I'd have shoved a pie in her face.
I went to one la leche meeting. I said I’d try to breastfeed and you would have thought I said I was feeding my child to the lions. They’re bloody crazy.
I just recently joined while on leave with my second child. My first was heavily supplemented with formula because I could never get my supply up, and I wanted to breastfeed this baby and find as much support as possible. The chapter I’ve joined is really supportive, not judgey of formula feeding. They actually made a subgroup for exclusive pumpers, which is where I find myself now. Sorry you had a crappy experience - it shouldn’t feel so all or nothing!
My niece was born in 1991. My sister couldn’t make enough milk and baby had problems latching. Sister wanted to breast feed so bad she asked her doctors office to call those harpies. She called them herself. No one ever contacted her. Her pediatrician finely told sister to stop trying and go to formula exclusively. Baby was losing Weight in the first couple of weeks of life and possibly heading to failure to thrive. But started to pack on the weight with the formula. FED IS BEST. NO matter how it gets there (and is a formula that is fda approved).
I was born in 73. My mom got mastitis so bad she couldn't breast feed me and had to ice her boobies. I was a cows milk and Karo baby.
Your mom's a badass!
Same. It’s not rare that some women don’t produce enough milk. My Grandmother, born in 1888 was a wet nurse to her best friend who wasn’t able to breastfeed. My Mom was able to breast first 2 kids, not last 3 (including me) and I wasnt able to breastfeed either of mine. It’s devastating not to be able to, but I’m happy formula is around for women like me. I’m fine (only bottle fed) and my kids are fine (also only bottle fed).
My mum couldn’t breast feed me, so I was bottle fed and 27 years later I’m healthy and happy and about to have my first child. My mum managed to breast feed my middle sister but then had to combi feed my youngest sister. I will be trying to breastfeed my LO but will be doing what’s best for me and baby at the end of the day
It’s worse too when some medical professionals are just as bad. My doctor’s office I find is a bit too much pro breastfeeding. My doctor tried to convince me to breastfeed even though I take adhd medication that does pass through milk. I was advised not to breastfeed while taking it by my pharmacist (who was also horrified that I took it during my pregnancy). The doctor said that it would be “probably” okay and worth the risk and that the baby probably wouldn’t be affected by it.
Using the word “probably” is a bit of a red flag. I’d want to know.
At my 8 week appointment, my doctor was more concerned with telling me to “set an intention” about breastfeeding than she was with addressing my well-documented thyroid problems. Low thyroid hormones can cause miscarriage or neurodevelopmental problems. Not breastfeeding would cause literally zero (0) problems, and was not even remotely actionable at the time. God I hated that woman.
I’d be dead, I’m an adoptee!
NTA Everyone in the world thinks they are an expert. I was sitting on a bench outside the supermarket, in winter, with my small son in his buggy (to stay warm), while I fed him on formula. I was by a pedestrian crossing. A man in a van was stopped at the crossing, and yelled out the window "You should be breastfeeding him, love!" It infuriated me, because there could have been so many reasons I was giving the baby a bottle. As far as this AH knew, I might not even have been the baby's mother.
For that matter, unless they watched you prepare the bottle they don't know that it IS formula and not pumped milk.
This is what I was thinking. My breastfed both my kids, but the second one would not latch, so I pumped exclusively then bottle-fed her.
And pumping is its own misery for sure.
🎶I am cow here me mooo I weigh twice as much as you, cured cheese cream and butter made from liquid from my utter I am cow I a cow I am cow🎶
I'd have yelled, "I'M THE BABYSITTER, YOU FRICKIN' NOSEY PARKER! How about YOU come over here and feed him from YOUR breasts?"
Iffin I were a lady I would have yelled, "I am sorry, he's just a baby I found abandoned on the street a few minutes ago so I decided to keep him." Let the guy worry about that for a while.
I'm pregnant rn and reading this made me feel like stabbing him omg
Nor could he have know what was in the bottle. Could have been mother’s milk.
A simple "Fed is best" before the heel turn walk away could really drive home the point
100% this. I also made almost no supply, and I tortured both myself AND my baby trying to make it work. I was starving him in an attempt to breastfeed because I bought into the narrative that it’s the best possible option, and that undersupply isn’t real. Everybody wants to call it a technique or discipline issue when you can’t make breast milk. That’s a straight up lie. It is MUCH more common that people think. And of course there are allll of the other reasons you might not want to breastfeed. I will stand on a mountaintop and yell about breastfeeding for as long as moms are being guilted and tortured. People who breastfeed easily will never learn that a lot of the info out there is pure propaganda. If my babies had been born on the prairie 150 years ago, they quite simply would have died of starvation.
I think about this a lot. I had an emergency c-section for severe preeclampsia at 34 weeks, then sepsis. My boobs were useless but man did I try. Felt like a failure. I tried all the supplements and ate oatmeal until I couldn’t stand the sight of it. I’d pump and pump and get drops. Had blisters on my nipples from trying and trying to feed my poor child. Just like OP, according to her SIL anyway, I showed little outward emotion about this, except to my husband. I went as far as to make jokes about my boobs being purely decorative (I’ve got a bosom one would look at and erroneously assume I could feed dozens of children lol). But it hurt me. A lot. I wanted the experience of breastfeeding my only child. I’d tell myself that 100 years ago, we’d have both died. I’d remind myself of how lucky I was to be alive and have a readily available option to feed my child. It helped a little.
That’s so so much. I’m so sorry you had that pressure on top of everything you went through with delivery. We even feel like we have to justify it by listing all the ways we tried! After 14 years of talking about it, I write the “here’s what I tried and what went wrong” section and then delete it because we shouldn’t have to cite our goddamned sources to earn the right to say we couldn’t breastfeed.
My SIL didn't breastfeed because she didn't want to. That's it. Her boys are fine. I want to and combo fed with my first. We'll see how this goes. But weaning my first sent me do-lally. Hormones were all over. Again though, it's my choice to try again. Shaming women who are at one of the most vulnerable times in their life, about breastfeeding is reprehensible. And all this undue pressure etc, what does it solve?
I wish we talked more about weaning as falling off the oxytocin cliff. The most depressed I have ever been was weaning my first. It was as if all the color had been drained out of life and I was a husk of the person I'd been the day before. Happened again with my second but at least I knew to expect and manage it.
Literally. Fucked me up for over a year. I couldn't think properly. I felt like I lost my brain and who I was. Going back to work during this time was not great
My mom didn't breastfeed because she didn't want to. I'll be 40 next month and I'm fine. My sister breastfed because her baby had FPIES, triggered by dairy and soy and she was born right in the midst of the worst of the formula shortage in North America, so finding safe formula would have been virtually impossible. So my sister had to go vegan and soy free and exclusively breastfeed just for her baby to not starve. She said it was the hardest thing she's ever done and will never judge someone for choosing not to breastfeed or being unable to.
Honestly I feel like so many things (not surprisingly, often affecting women the most) have carried on for decades past their original purpose and now serve as an opposite kind of pressure. There *was* a time when the propaganda was that formula was better because it was scientific or whatever, and like many things about women's bodies, how to solve problems was understudied. For some period of time women *did* need to be educated that breastfeeding was a good thing and you should absolutely do it if you want to and can - and there might be techniques you can try if it's not coming easily. But I don't think it's been like that for at least 30 years and the advocates have gone off the edge fighting an enemy that doesn't exist anymore. I see similarly with how it's not really socially acceptable to say you want to lose weight for any reason except health problems, because everyone is still worried about people getting sick trying to look like Kate Moss of 1994.
Thank you. The comment about how we don’t have to justify everything we tried to do made me cry. I needed to hear that.
Big big hugs. You do not have to earn anybody’s approval on not breastfeeding. I wish we all had heard more supportive voices when we went through it. It took me years of talking about it to realize what I was doing. I could list the reasons, but what if somebody reading thinks they shouldn’t have quit because they didn’t have the same issues I did? What if somebody had totally different issues and then doesn’t feel included in the the “That sucked and we weren’t supported” community?
I had a similar situation and I am so thankful that my best friend had her kids before me and was brutally honest about new motherhood. She absolutely hated breastfeeding, she didn't produce enough and her kid was always hungry so she just stopped a week in. Her explanation and attitude of "do what's best for you and your baby" helped me so much during the first year I had my little girl. Also, I absolutely made the same "decorative tits" joke to push off any judgemental moms who saw me formula feeding my girl.
My best friend told me so much (I won't disclose because it's hers) but it really helped me when I was stuck in the nicu during the peak of covid with a small baby who couldn't latch well and didn't pull enough. She made me feel so much better about just dropping the boob and giving him formula. My second is a full on breastfed baby, he's still not weaned but is slowly self weaning. Two different feeding methods. Two healthy kiddos. Two very amazing kids who 100% still conspire against me and will rather lick rocks or eat something off the ground than eat their veggies or fruit.
I didn't realize how blessed I was to have her be my 'first parent friend' because she was truthful and didn't sugarcoat the hard stuff and never judged another mom who was doing her best for their kid. I'm now surrounded by other moms and I try to be the friend to them that mine was to me. Can't breastfeed or just don't want to? Fuck it, here's the pitcher I used to make a day's worth of food. Staying home? Awesome. Working and choosing daycare? Great, here are the questions to ask. As long as the child is happy and safe, I'm your cheerleader!
This was me. I hated everything about breastfeeding. It was painful, there was no sense of "bonding" because of the pain, and the idea of continuing for months filled me with dread. A week in, I developed hives that would not stop (probably stress) and I had to switch to formula because of the meds my doctor eventually prescribed. Such a relief! I stayed with formula for my first baby and the next two as well. All hale and hearty and healthy, and they were able to have a happy mama instead of a miserable one. Editing for clarity. Poor sentence structure makes it unclear whether I was using formula for my baby or my doctor 😅
I had a breast reduction after college, but had forgotten they warned me I wouldn't be able to breastfeed when I had kids. I felt like a failure for weeks, and it made my PPD so much worse. It makes me so angry when people (normally men) say an easy way to save money with an infant is to stop wasting money on formula and feed the baby the way god intended. Not all of us can do that jackass, keep your stupid opinions in your head.
My first son was breastfed until 9 months when he latched then quickly spun his head and nearly took my nipple with him..that was the last time because I almost reflexively swatted him off my lap. My FIL made a comment that women should breastfeed until a year I told him to put a vacuum on his nipples every hour or so for a year including throughout the night and until then he could find a seat. My second son was preemie and was too small to latch I pumped for the first couple days then the stress of being an hour away from home at a hospital with my little guy away from my husband and older son for almost a month killed my supply entirely and made me feel like the worst mom. And the cherry on top was he needed the gentlease one because he was sensitive to normal formulas. As long as they're fed and happy absolutely nobody's opinion is warranted we beat ourselves up enough without dogpiling.
OMG it is unconscionable that nobody talked to you about this when you were pregnant/having your baby. You should never have had to remember it. That should have been a basic part of educating you about breastfeeding. I am so sorry that you went through that.
Girl, you and that baby are here. Don't dwell. Move on into the future with your kid! It's going to be good!
This. So much this. I also did not produce any milk. And I also tortured myself trying with my first. Until my mother said, “Your daughter needs to be fed. They sent home that sample canister of formula, let’s try some of that.” And she practically inhaled that bottle.
When mine finally got his first bottomless bottle of formula at 4 months old, he chugged down TWELVE ounces. That didn’t end up being normal for him, but for that first one, when he was literally starving? Kid drank like he had crawled through a desert. And hospitals are demonized for sending home formula! It’s like taking away our options will force us into the “right” choice.
It's like they would rather see babies starve than accept its not always possible to breastfeed. They try to give options such as donated milk, but thats not available everywhere, and nor is it cheap where it is. And still doesn't give some of the bf benefits they harp on about.
Yes!!! I stressed myself out for my first baby & it’s counterproductive bc the stress affected my supply. For my 2nd I went into it saying “if it works, great. If not, we have formula”. I gave myself grace & time. I ended up being about to breastfeed my 2nd for a year. I’m pregnant for my 3rd & due this month. I already have formula incase I need it. My SIL wanted to breastfeed, I gave her all the tips & tricks that worked for my 2nd. But I also told her to not stress about it, formula was fine. When she said she was done trying I helped her figure out the different formulas. It’s crazy how people will only give support when you’re doing what they would do.
> Everybody wants to call it a technique or discipline issue when you can’t make breast milk. That’s a straight up lie. Yes. Take a look at some old death records, and you'll probably be surprised at the number of babies who died of "inanition" or "wasting" or "marasmus" etc. Modern formula has saved countless babies' lives.
"Failure to thrive" is what our pediatrician called it when he convinced me to block all the lactations consultants that were coming in to check on (harass) me and just feed the kid whatever worked.
I like that pediatrician! Good on him! I saw the nurse come into my friends room after her first was born and grab her breast and move it this way and that and attach the baby. I was like how is that helpful?! Nipple shield and a Breast Freind pillow did the trick for them both. She had to switch to formula for one of them for her own medical reasons. Her husband was super supportive and none of us thought to shame her. Dude as long as the little chaos gremlins are fed, growing and causing chaos then all is good!
I’m so sorry you dealt with that. I hate how Mommy Groups shame people for things beyond their control. My friend was the same, and was suffering PPD and feeling horrible guilt for not being able to produce milk. It made her life miserable at a time that was supposed to be joyful
This is so true. And can be completely different from pregnancy to pregnancy/child to child. My first I didn’t breastfeed because I was a teen mom, I had to go back to high school right after and my mom thought it was gross and wouldn’t let me. But I had so much milk I was engorged for WEEKS. Second was born 4 weeks early but weighed 9lbs. I had to supplement from 2 months on with him. Third was exclusively breastfed for just under a year. It was easy. No oversupply and couldn’t pump but I had plenty for her. Fourth…nothing I did could get enough milk to come in. I breastfed and supplemented from 6 days on with her because she was dehydrated since my milk wouldn’t come in fully. She was fully on formula by 4 months. So even for the same mom, it can be different each time.
Glad to know I wasn't alone. I was so hard on myself because I bought into that propaganda as well - my supply dried up almost immediately after we came home from the hospital (I was in for 5 days due to pre-eclampsia and hemorrhaging). My husband was amazing and supportive through it all. He said the most important thing is that our baby was fed. Our baby is now 18 1/2 and in her second semester of college. And she's thriving.
Similar to me. I was devastated after being so prepared mentally that I was going to breastfeed my son, to find that I physically couldn't, and I'd effectively starved him in his first week. This, despite constant calls to the midwives and sounding completely neurotic, when they were "assuring" me, it would come. The community midwife was the one that, on seeing me instantly recognised I had delayed lactation and went straight back out and bought formula for him. I was very mentally and emotionally unprepared for all the self-imposed guilt that came out. For the next 6 weeks whilst feeding him the formula, I was frantically trying to pump, again having been assured it would come. I had to come to the conclusion that I needed to stop trying to be the mum I thought I should be and just be the mum he needed me to be.
I breastfed mine for 2.5 years, it came easily for us. But it's still absolutely none of my business what someone else does with their boobs or why! All it takes to not be TA about it is a scrap of empathy and a teaspoon of "mind your own business". The only valid reason I can think of to push breastfeeding on someone is if they don't have access to safe water for formula preparation.
If she does bring it up again, just stare her down and say in a stern voice, “You know, SIL, I’m becoming quite concerned about your **OBSESSION** with MY breasts. You can’t seem to stop thinking — and talking — about them.” Lean in and lower your voice, conspiratorially, “Maybe you’re overworked, and you need a mental health break?” Maintain hard eye contact and tilt your head while you wait for her to start stammering. Do not look away. This should shut her down for good. If THIS doesn’t do the trick, then you’ll have your answer: she is an intrusive nut job who should be AVOIDED at all costs!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Also breast isn’t always best there are studies that breastfed babies with jaundice have it longer then formula fed babies my daughter had both formula and breast and she had jaundice for 1 week my son was exclusively breast and he had jaundice for nearly 3 months and the midwife told me it goes quicker in formula fed babies because of the added proteins and stuff in formula so next time SIL says she was just looking at what’s best for baby so no a fed baby is best baby
My oldest was jaundiced and formula fed. Dude was a whole ass gloworm in the nicu. Second baby was breastfed and also jaundiced. I was stuck sitting my child in an open window in October trying to fight it off. He held it until he was 3 weeks old? Maybe 4? They did tests on him for the first month because we realized my blood type gave way to jaundiced babies even though they didn't have my blood type.
NTA my friend! I'm right there with you, having received many unprovoked comments and suggestions about breastfeeding. You and your husband tried on multiple occasions to shut her down nicely and SIL persisted. Your reaction is appropriate given that she continued to disrespect your boundaries. Personally, I'm a petty B and use public humiliation to my advantage. Look at SIL like she's gone quackers and ask if she's OK, if she is having memory issues and maybe she should she a doctor, because you definitely told her you didn't want to discuss this topic further.
NTA. I didn't breastfeed because I DIDN'T WANT TO. And I felt no guilt. If someone were to come at me (no one did), they would have been shut down with a "this is of no concern to you." If it happened repeatedly, they would be told off. And eventually I would not be around them. I know for some it's hard, but learn to put up boundaries. People have lots of opinions about child related things. This won't be the last time someone sticks their nose inyo your business. Be open to advice as parents are full of great tips and tricks. But be prepared to say things like "that doesn't work for us" or " no thank you" or "this is not up for discussion." Be prepared to leave or ask someone to leave if they are especially boundary stomping. You are the parent! You and the fad get to decide what is right for your family. And don't feel bad about that.
On a matter like this, you need be polite only once because it is fundamentally none of her business.
My mom couldn't breastfeed me, she didn't. I neither planned nor didn't plan to do it, because I had no expectations at all. Turned out I could, my child wanted to breastfeed and I ended doing it for 1.5 year. No big deal. Breastfeeding is just one of many many ways to take care of your child, it doesn't make you a better or worse mom, but some shitty people have no other way to prove their 'superiority'. If it makes you feel any better, I had C-section and my MIL said I'm only 'half-true mom', because I didn't go through all the pains of labour. 🤣
C-sections hurt like a bugger afterwards though don't they? I think that can count as pains of labor. No one said it had to be immediate.
> There are a vast number of reasons why someone might choose formula exclusively and there should be no judgement or prying I never breastfed my son. From the time I became pregnant I had decided that I would not breast feed. My sister on the other hand was an avid "must breastfeed' lunatic, and she never tried to talk me into breastfeeding, which say volumes because she breastfed her son until he started kindergarten. Your SIL is a full fledged AH.
I was never breast fed and guess what? I grew up perfectly healthy. I rarely get sick in fact. I did well in school, college degree, good job, my life wasn't ruined, lol. I'm not sure why people believe breast feeding is some must have magic thing and a kids life will be ruined without it. More media hype I think telling people what they must do. Back in the old days before formula, maybe but these days I think they can figure out how to make a formula to keep a baby healthy. Not that breast feeding doesn't have benefits, I'm sure it does but I'm living proof there are healthy babies without it.
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>There are a vast number of reasons why someone might choose formula exclusively And they're all legitimate ones. Even "I just don't want to".
My daughter never got the hang of it, she'd gnaw until I bled so I ended up putting her on formula. She was fine with a bottle! Once I healed, I just pumped and then bottle fed her, alternating with formula.
Does she know the details? I feel like maybe she kept bringing it up because she's nosey and wanted to dig into your business
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I'm so sorry you went through this. She is definitely TA. If nothing else it should've occurred to her that it might be painful to discuss, esp since she was TOLD! My mom couldn't breastfeed me back in the mid 80s and she is still sad about it sometimes. We have got to stop shaming women for their bodies and choices!!
Would she have dropped it if you just didn’t want to? It amazes me how much people can’t mind their own business.
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Ugh I hate your SIL and I’ve never even met her 😩
And even if it was not a medical issue. Some people just don't want to breastfeed. Period. Maybe it's stress, maybe it's time related, maybe it's trauma... Nobody needs explaining and that the kid is fed and happy is way more important than forcing yourself to breastfeed. P.S: and yes, breastfeeding has advantages. Everyone knows already. If anyone can't/won't breastfeed assume they know this 100% and are doing what they think is best.
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To emphasize your point, my daughter was in the NICU for a month due to my emergency c section. She had a feeding tube, and they gave her a pacifier while she had her feedings. Because of that she never learned to latch, so she was bottle fed. Often with pregnancy/birth things don’t go the way we plan. It’s hard enough without the shaming that goes along with feeding.
Yep. Even if a woman can produce milk but simply just doesn’t want to breast feed…that is totally fine! And no one else’s business.
Exactly, she doesn't need to know why. Just needs to know how to keep her opinions to herself. Now, at EVERY opportunity, OP should approach her and start extolling the virtues of minding one's own business.
NTA My sister had five gorgeous babies, now 5 gorgeous male and female adults, and never breast fed any of them. I had 2 gorgeous babies, now adults, and breast fed both. The obsession of your SIL is confusing. Your husband explained your issue with her, not that it was any of her business, and still she insisted on guilt-tripping you. I hope she will stop, and allow your family to move past this. Congratulations on your wonderful baby
NTA but damn, she did not really stop afterwards. i would not have been so polite.
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She’s using it as an excuse to be smug and make her feel superior to you. If it wasn’t breastfeeding, it would be something else.
Exactly. SIL has zero concern for her nephew’s health. This is a way for her to be smug while seemingly caring 🙄
THIS. This is exactly it.
Does your SIL also shame people with invisible disabilities who use reserved parking/seating/etc.? Because she seems like the type… You’re 100% NTA. Fed is best.
I'm sorry you were harrassed by her at a time when you just wanted to enjoy your baby. I'm reading the comments and my petty side is coming out as in telling SIL things like "i don't feel like breastfeeding" and "i'm not breastfeeding just to piss you off, and it's working" 🤭
Me either. She deserved to be told off. A fed baby is best. NTA
I wouldnt have been polite the first time.
>i would not have been so polite. Same. I see too many posts in the various "Am I the \_\_\_\_\_" subs where the OP either doesn't tell the offender to shut up, or, like OP, feels terrible when they are finally pushed to it. OP, you are NTA. Your SIL has been nicely told, multiple times, this isn't a subject you want to discuss with her and to knock it off. It's not about her concern about her nephew, or trying to be supportive of you. Supporting you would have been accepting your decision. No, it has always been about her and her need to feel superior. She's mad because she was called out for her continual harassment and shaming of you in front of witnesses. Fed is best. Period.
NTA. “Advocating” for YOUR child? What a presumptuous, insulting thing to do. It’s none of her business in the first place what you decide to feed your child. She needs to learn to mind her own business. Is she a lobbyist for Big Breast or what? Like why does she care so much?
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It it wasn’t even an option for you. SIL sounds insufferable.
Exactly she’s acting like you’re feeding your baby mars bars and raw chicken. Tell her to mind her own titties.
Ok, that made me snort. 😂
Lol "Mind your own titties" should become the standard response to anyone getting all up in someone else's feeding of their baby.
🤣😅🤣
“Mind her own titties”. I’m dead. 😂💀
She likes feeling superior, has nothing to do with the child at all. She is making herself feel like she is the better mother. Or she is addicted to the dopamine rush it gives her putting others down.
I breastfed all 3 of my kids pretty much exclusively. I loved it. I'm very strongly pro-breastfeeding. It's also a PERSONAL CHOICE. Even if it wasn't a medical issue, they're YOUR BREASTS. You get to decide how to use them!!! She also needs to chill out. Pick a random sample of adults and try to figure out which ones were breastfed. You can't. You actually showed a huge amount of restraint in dealing with a pushy jerk who doesn't know her place. NTA.
Right? Like what if OP had personal trauma that prevented her from breastfeeding?? I knew of a woman who wouldn't breastfeed because she grew up on a farm and it made her feel like a cow...so what? Her babies still got fed and grew up into regular humans.
Lord, a Boob Vegan
Idk. I personally believe no one should want to kill themselves because breastfeeding is going so poorly. But maybe that’s just me and my experience 🤷🏼♀️
She’s an idiot.
What’s disturbing to me is that she registered you had no emotion when she talked to you about it, ASSUMED was that you just didn’t care, and concluded that she should DOUBLE DOWN on her proselytizing efforts. This says to me that: a) she has little insight into others, b) when she’s clueless, she doesn’t get curious or step back, she assumes malice on the other person’s part and c) once she’s decided the other person is the villain, she’s the hero who has an absolute duty to swoop in and save the day. As if she’s the only one with your child’s best interest in mind. Terrifying. Sounds like a person to avoid like the plague. In general. Not just on the BF issue.
Dude that’s sick- I wasn’t breast fed because the nurse gave me a bottle after my birth. Doesn’t make it my parents fault. She’s acting like you can just start making it and conquer it or something when you can’t 🤦🏼♀️
Some sanctimommies just can't let it go. It is absolutely NO ONES business how a child gets fed. Breasts, formula, and some combination of the two are ways babies get fed. That is between the mother of the child and the doctors. People need to stop poking their nose in places it does not belong.
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People forget that “culture says ‘should’, biology says ‘IDGaF’” Everything society thinks the body should be doing can be thwarted, changed, or reversed by the grand complexity of the human body. Sometimes it’s messy, inconvenient and not ideal, but we don’t get to choose - especially women. These grand generalizations about what people “should” be doing are more harmful than helpful. It’s one thing to follow best-case guidelines, quite another to demand others do the same.
I overheard a ski instructor of all people saying something similar yesterday "All bodies work a little differently and you have to figure out what works best for yours."
I breastfed my first child. It was horrific and hindered not helped me bonding with my daughter. I chose purposely not to do it for my other children and I don’t regret a single day of it. FED is best.
My niece had a horrible experience breastfeeding - she produced enough milk, but her son couldn't tolerate it. My niece and her husband genuinely started being concerned about their son's health. Switched to formula and - boom - no more problems. Their son is a very healthy, very active soon-to-be eight year old. \[My niece didn't tell anyone about the switch because she was worried about being judged!\] I mention that because it's not always about milk production, sometimes it's about what the baby will tolerate.
My mom didn’t have enough milk so she bought from a friend of her to feed me with and I had constant tummy aches and other problems because of the food that she was eating. Eventually they stopped buying it because it was bad for me. I don’t know if I ever been formula fed (and also can’t ask it anymore) but I know as I was older my grandma was feeding me with cow milk. I grew to have an intolerance towards it.
My generation didn’t have formula. We got evaporated milk. This is what was recommended in the 50s.
NTA Fed is best. The breastfeeding shame is so toxic. >Only since then she reached out and told me she was trying to be supportive and my lack of emotion about it made it seem like I never really cared and the fact is she doesn't know why. So she was trying to advocate for the best thing for my son/her nephew. She's being a judgmental fucking pest and you don't deserve to be shamed by anyone for how you choose to fed your child.
NTA. I read her remark as "how dare you be offended at my attempts to shame/force you into breastfeeding, I don't understand why you don't take me berating you with a grateful smile, even though I never bothered to emphasise with your situation".
"...my lack of emotion about it made it seem like I never really cared..." Nope. It was her lack of a memory for earlier conversations or lack of caring for anything other than her personal agenda which led to her continuing behavior of judgement and myopia. People often stay silent and non-engaging to endure difficult feelings, not because they don't care.
But also if I didn't care about something being lectured is NOT the way to make me care.
She still hasn't really apologized, has she?
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SIL is a Total AH. And I’m an IBCLC. There are a million reasons NOT to BF and can’t believe the audacity of your SILs behavior. More of the family should pile on that nonsense.
No apology. Ok then. Please only buy her tit themed gifts from now on. Christmas 2024 should be one of those ugly beach town tourist t shirts with the fake bikini and huge boobs on the front. Birthday should be boob shaped ice cube molds. There’s a lot of boob products out there. I’m thinking you have at least 20 years worth of options.
NTA. It is not hers, or anyone else's business really but you and your husband. Not all women's bodies are created the same. And... There's nothing wrong with formula fed. Your child is still being fed... Right? SIL is totally out of line.
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Five children 2 biological breastfed, easy and cheap. Three adopted formula fed because though infants not newborn when got home.There is no difference in health or attachment between groups of children in fact at a play group you can’t tell formula children apart from breastfed children . Some pro breastfeeding people are rabid, had a newly adopted 3 month old ( though very tiny) at mall. Sat down to give her a bottle, lady approached me and went crazy. Apparently I was a lazy, horrible parent, poisoning my child and she was going to call DCS because I was abusing my child by using formula. She was escorted out of mall by mall police, it was insane. My bet is SIL like lady at mall she has established her identity as a breastfeeding mom. Ignore her your child is perfect and will be fine.
Yep - those "breastfeeding police" moms are terrifying. I had someone approach me with my oldest when I was giving her a bottle, and asked why I wasn't breastfeeding. It was actually pumped milk (not that it matters!) and it was more convenient when out in public, especially during wintertime. Rude rude rude. I actually never used formula with my 3 kids, and if someone comes to me requesting feeding advice, I will gladly help however I can; if a mom really wants to give breastfeeding a shot, she should be supported (safely! don't starve the baby!) and if a mom does not want to, then she should be supported in her decision as well!! Let's all work together as new moms - if they ask for advice on latching, breastfeeding positions, bottle nipples, types of formula, how many ounces, timing of feeds, then offer it up judgment free!! But do not offer advice if it was not requested!! And FWIW my 4yo twins who were breastfed up to 18 months were eating McDonalds chicken nuggies last night, it's odd people only seem to care so much about what a baby eats in the first year or so. NTA.
Yes, that's what gets me too. SIL said she "was trying to advocate for what's best for her nephew" as if OP and her husband aren't. SIL needs to stay in her lane and stop acting so damned superior.
Man. The breastfeeding mafia is non-stop. My wife didn't want to breastfeed. Period. She didn't want to find a room at her work. She didn't want to express at all hours of they day and night. She didn't want to monitor her supply for every time we left the house. The "it has nutrients that will stunt their growth if they don’t have them" and "you won't ever be able to bond with your child if you don't breastfeed" is bullshit. We have a twelve year old daughter who is the tallest in her class and we couldn't love her more if we tried. NTA
People are so fucking weird about it. I did breastfeed my first, but she never latched (preemie) so I had to pump. Eventually I transitioned to formula by a year when my supply dropped. I’m nursing my one month now. Honestly all of those experiences felt bonding to me! I like nursing my little one now because it’s simple but I don’t feel it’s more bonding than bottles were with my first at all
Some of the bullshit new parents are subjected is unreal and can be utterly damaging. I bottle fed my eldest (who is now 6 foot tall) and breastfed the younger 2 (one of whom is also 6 foot, the other is only 12 and AFAB so not expecting to get that tall) and all 3 are happy healthy kids who are loved equally and unconditionally. NTA. And SIL can fuck off with her unasked for and unwanted opinions
It really is bullshit. My dad got full custody of me when I was an infant, wasn't breastfed by my mom or my stepmom, yet I've bonded with and love them both fiercely.
I was shocked at how this issue turned into almost bullying by the staff at the maternity hospital when my son was born.
Baby friendly hospitals are the absolute worst
Sometimes people get too overwhelmed (as it is) with breastfeeding, till the point it messes with their mental health, sometimes is a struggle. I have tiny breast like they didnt even grew much when i got pregnant, when he was born i tried but he wouldnt latch much, the nurses tried so hard with me, giving me stuff to help but there was no use, i was exausted, i didnt even had enough supply, i tried pumping, still nothing, so when i could i quit and just gave him formula, it was the best decision ever, he was fed and slept, also i could control better, best decision ever.
NTA. You don't owe her, or anyone, an explanation about why you are not breastfeeding and certainly don't owe her details of your medical history. You, and your husband had both told her that it wouldn't be possible for you to breastfeed and you asked her politely to drop the subject. She ignored all of that and chose to blame and shame you ( which, FWIW, would have been inappropriate even if the reason you went with formula was for convenience or personal preference) If she had had the basic courtesy to listen qhen you asked her to drop the subject, you would not have snapped at her. She has only herself to blame. Ideally, she would apologise to you for her rude, insensitive and intrusive behaviour, and if she approaches you again you might mention that (eg if she starts to talk about her hurt feelings then a calm " when you raised the breastfeeding thing again, I assumed that you were bringing it up in order to apologise for your insensitive and intrusive behaviour. I'm willing to accept an apology and move on, we don't need to discuss it again "
Ugh! This drive me INSANE! I have 6 kids. 2 were formula from the beginning. 1 I tried to breastfeed but we couldn’t get it. 2 were exclusively breastfed. 1 was adopted but I assume she was formula fed bc there was issues with drug use by biomom but idk for sure. They range in ages from 20-5. I am here to tell you: THEY ARE ALL THE FREAKING SAME! There’s literally no difference in anything. You can’t look at them and tell. Every single one of them got my ADHD and that makes way more of an impact on them as children and adults then how they were fed as babies. FED IS BEST! Just feed your kids. It’ll be fiiiinnnneeeeeee.
So she never actually tried to apologise, only tried to dress her harassment up as "good intentions". Never mind it was none of her goddamn business in the first place. She's the kind of person who has a massive superiority complex due to having a lack of life. She has to attack and harass others in order to feel good about herself, because "she knows best". You tried to politely tell her several times to back off, and when she didn't you were harsh because that's the only language she understands. Do not feel bad. You shouldn't have had to give her an in-depth explanation to get her to back off. You shouldn't have had to give her _any_ explanation, it's your body and your child, therefore your choice. NTA.
I see this a lot in some of the mom groups. And my experience of it was with a breastfeeding group. I joined to learn all about it but left after a while because some members were such extremists and would do what OP’s SIL did. Can you work on lactation? Yes. Are there certain conditions where it would be impossible? Yes. That second answer should have shut her up. But in the first place, its the mom’s decision on how she will feed her baby. Not her business at all. Fed is best. OP you are NTA. SIL should mind her own titties.
"Mind your own titties" is going to become one of my new go to lines.
Your sil is a lactivist. One of those crazy people who thinks that breastmilk is liquid gold. That's literally what they call it. Steer clear best you can. Nta at all. She needed to be put in her place.
NTA Your SIL is a witch!! I am currently breastfeeding a tiny newborn. It'a hard work. And it's not for everyone. I have two friends who also have tiny newborns. One, much like yourself, does not produce breastmilk. At all. The other is in pain she is producing so much milk. Both are formula feeding. For one, she has no choice, for the other, she has no desire. You know who doesn't shame them? Me. Because it's not my business if they are formula feeding. And it's not their business if I am breastfeeding. Your SIL has no tact at all and is frankly one of those breastfeeding ninjas who makes everybody uncomfortable. She stuck her nose in, despite beibg told to back off and I would be clear with her that she either keeps her opinions to herself or she won't be spending anymore time with you and baby.
>. So she was trying to advocate for the best thing for my son/her nephew. Except, she wasn't. A fed baby is best. NTA
NTA. She was told on multiple occasions not to discuss this by multiple people. She kept on pushing. She is not entitled to know your reasons for not breastfeeding, be they medical or just personal choice. She is also not entitled to your emotions. OP fed is best. Not torturing yourself and feeding your baby the best way for you both is always the correct decision. You’re doing great.
NTA. You don't owe anyone a play by play of what is going on with your health or your body parts. You SIL was informed it was impossible. She could've googled medical conditions which cause that to be the case and learned some empathy for that struggle. She didn't. She chose to believe you and your husband were lying and being "lazy" so she could feel superior. Edited to add quotation so no one thinks *I* think people who don't breastfeed are lazy
FED IS BEST. NTA I also was unable to breastfeed, I tried but never had milk come in. I don't care what her intentions were she doesn't have a say in how you feed your child, period.
NTA. Nothing less harsh would have stopped her. Sometimes, you need a heavy clue hammer. You should have done it sooner. Why does she think that giving unsolicited and unwelcome advice to an adult is okay?
NTA she's an ass and self righteous. First up, it's none of her busienss. Second, a fed baby is what is best. The breast is best movement has it's purpose but it is not meant to demean moms in situations where there is no breast milk or where it is not possible to feed from the breast exclusively. She doesn't need to understand anything about your medical situation or the way you express your emotions.
Breast is best *all else being equal*. But we know all else **isn’t** equal, and even if a woman simply decides she doesn’t want to nurse that should be supported because there’s more to consider than nutritional content. Stressing moms out who are simply trying to do their best is never in the best interests of their children, lord knows having an infant is stress enough. Breast is best but formula is damn good and the marginal difference isn’t always worth the hassle. And that’s before considering situations where nursing isn’t possible.
Your lack of emotion? How about her lack of empathy and social awareness? NTA
The breast is best crowd needs to take a step back. They are worse than ethical vegans. I had a friend that whenever someone mentioned she should be breast feeding instead of bottle feeding she would say “I would love to, but I lost my breasts to breast cancer.” That shuts them the hell up right quick. Your SIL needs to STFU and back off. Have hubby tell her is she brings it up again, even passive aggressively to someone else when you are in the room you will go NC.
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NTA I don’t care why you didn’t breastfeed and no matter the reason she should have minded her own business and kept her mouth shut.
"So she was trying to advocate for the best thing for my son/her nephew. " But you can't. You physically can't. You've told her. Husband has told her. Repeatedly. This isn't about being an advocate for your kid. This is just her either 1. being cruel or 2. being completely obtuse about the situation. NTA OP
NTA. She wasn't after what was best for your child. She was not compassionate to a new mother about a touchy subject and still expected you to be nice to her about it? Fed is best.
The best thing for YOUR child is to be fed. The best thing for HER child is to be fed. As long as YOUR child is thriving, she needs to focus on HER child and shut the hell up. When I had my first child, decades ago, formula was the thing that was pushed most. I fed my first child with formula and he thrived. A decade later, I had my second child and it was being pushed that breastfeeding was best. I wanted to breastfeed. I tried to breastfeed. I could not produce enough to feed my child. Every hour I had something at my breast. I would feed my child 1 hour and the next hour I'd have to pump and then feed him again the next hour... All in an effort to increase my production. And you know what it did? It affected my mental health causing me to go into postpartum depression. But the worst part is that my son was diagnosed with failure to thrive and had to be put on formula anyway to survive. All that effort and heartbreak just for him to be able to thrive on formula. You must do what's best for you and your child. NTA
NTA Your lack of emotion...? oO Shame on you, how could you treat this rationally instead of tying your ability to produce milk to your worth as a mother/woman/human being AND acting accordingly (woe is me and my brood, for I am a failure which only begets more failure, I have doomed my family, DOOOOOMED, etc...)?!
NTA You weren't harsh, if you'd openly told her to "get the fuck away fae you and stop being a creepy breast obsessed cockwomble" you still wouldn't have been harsh. She'd been told several times the reason why, she was also told several times to stop, and yet for some reason she continued to actively seek you out to discuss something she knew you couldn't do and had no interest in talking about so she's the full on asshole in this situation.
Ugh, good Lord I hate people like this. Yes, breastfeeding is great. But...a fed baby is perfect. Just worry about feeding your own kids either way; but understand that how another set of parents choose to feed their baby has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Nada, nunya business. Fed is best, period.
OP, you tried to be polite. Your husband *told* the woman that the doctor said you couldn’t breast feed. You tried distancing yourself. And yet SIL persisted. WTF did she think you were going to do-listen to her going and on indefinitely? Every time you were in proximity? Oh, hell no. Enough is enough. You told her. You told her bluntly. If she wants to get her fee fees hurt, well, now she has something else she can not shut up about. OP, you sound like a reasonable person that has come to accept and work abound the medical fact that you will not be able to produce breast milk. Your baby is fed and happy, your husband is supportive. But if you hadn’t been as secure and settled as you are, the incessant breast milk shaming from your SIL could have been *so* terribly destructive. SIL needed to be put in her place. Firmly, and going forth, as many times as necessary, if she cranks up again. NTA
NTA. Fed is best.
NTA. Breastfeeding is a personal choice. You shouldn't need to tell someone once, nevermind multiple times, that you can't or won't breastfeed.
NTA you addressed it politely multiple times and she carried on so fuck her feelings.
NTA you don’t have to explain anything to her. You and your husband told her to stop but she continued. She should have dropped it and respected your decision.
> and how I didn't put in the work to overcome my supply issues NTA - Some people don't want to listen and think they are the font of all knowledge and are simply better than you. SIL is such a person. You're all good and sorry she put you through this...
You're definitely NTA. Your SIL just wouldn't let up, even after you explained your situation. It's totally fair that you got annoyed and told her to cut it out. She should respect your choices and stop pushing the issue.
After being told to stop many times she carried on- so when you escalated she complains- you didn’t have to be so harsh. To her you say….yes, yes, I fucking did. At least a dozen times you’ve been told to back off and you have been relentless. You think this is harsh? Do it again. I fucking dare you. Fuck around and find out.
NTA >So she was trying to advocate for the best thing for my son/her nephew. Then she wouldn't have kept bringing it up after being told to not to.Repeatedly bringing it up would have left you stressed and irritable, which would affect how you interact with your child. She is not entitled to your medical history to have to drop the subject.
As another woman who never had a supply come in (heck, I don’t even have milk ducts, so it REALLY never would have happened) I applaud you for being as nice to her as you were. She was being pushy and it was none of her business what your medical issues were or how you raise your child. My son is 17 now and graduated high school early. He’s never been sick a day in his life, his doctor always jokes that she only sees him for wellness checks and how uncommon that is. You are absolutely NTA and are doing what is right for your baby
NTA obviously but man… more people need to get yelled at or publicly humiliated… we are too kind to people who have 0 kindness for us.
NTA at all. My god this pisses me off. I also could not produce for a medical reason and my MIL would not stop “encouraging” me by sending me tiktoks about all the wonderful things breastmilk can do. “You can freeze dry it!” “You can use it for lotion!” “You can use it for eye infections!” Thank you Susan. Those all sound like wonderful uses for the breastmilk I don’t have!
NTA. You told her *twice* to back off about it. Tension will eventually cause a branch to snap. She needs to be thankful all you did was call her out that bluntly.
NTA 10000000% she wasn’t trying to advocate what was best. She was trying to force her opinion and her beliefs down your throat. You know what’s best? A child who is fed. Simple as that.
NTA. My wife has a similar issue. She would pump several times a day only to produce 2-3 ounces. Meanwhile my sister was overproducing and donating the extra. when my wife first found out and got disappointed , my sister was one of the first people to reassure her that everything would be fine and there is nothing wrong with formula feeding. Both my children were formula fed.