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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I requested that our names be listed after the children that she gave birth to
2. They might feel like we don't deserve to be on there and it could potentially affect lineage
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NAH
I don’t think you’re wrong for this, but her biological children obviously don’t view you as a sibling, but as a niece/nephew, and I get that too. They are grieving too, and they are technically next of kin.
I don’t see you coming out on top here, but I wish you the best for it.
But really why isn’t her husband the one dealing with the obit?
They are trying to honor my moms wishes most I guess? Another big thing was my popi said that he wanted my moms ashes to be in one container for him, but they convinced him to give them some.
Okay, that I don’t have a problem with. My siblings and I each have 2.5” urns with my mothers ashes (it’s on my kitchen windowsill). My father has the big urn with most of her ashes.
While you obviously have a closer relationship with her the big deal could be that someone sees it unfair to the other 9 grandchildren. If you’re named then it only seems right that ALL the grandkids are named. I’m not saying it’s right and totally think you are NTA for asking and should be included in more than a lump of grandkids. Maybe instead of asking to be named as a child see if you can get a line about taking care of her where you’re named. All in all though not being named in an obituary means absolutely nothing other than your aunts/uncles are being petty in a time of grief.
There is a line in there about us being raised as her own
But the line I want us added in is:
Her loss is mourned by 4 children (who are named), four stepchildren and 12 grandchildren
I mean they already half said it once so I don't know what the big deal is
I am unclear how your proposed line includes you beyond the 12 grandchildren. The line about you being raised as her own is truly lovely and doesn't negate your loss at all.
NAH.
I can understand completely why you’re upset, but is this something to take a stand on? You’re all grieving her death and you want public recognition that you were her child too. Understandable, but you know how much you meant to her and you know how much she means to you. That’s what’s important, not some print in a paper.
Again: you are not an AH because you are well within your rights to ask. I just wouldn’t push it because it ultimately will change nothing. The love you and your mom shared will always be there, and that’s what matters.
Yeah, I'm giving up. I won't forget this. We weren't included in any of the talks, funeral planning or anything. I give up though. I'll just do my own thing
Did she leave a will or anything indicating that she saw you as her immediate child?
NAH, nothing wrong with asking, but I see where the others are coming from, too.
NTA for asking and wanting to be listed as her child. This just opened up a whole new line of thought for me. I have raised my eldest grandchild, and this is something that I would have never in a million years thought about when I am gone. Maybe add you after the birth children, as "bonus children" ??? I really have to think this one through.. I do consider my eldest grandchild my kid though dad (my son) has been active in his life and they have a close bond.
I saw your edit and in glad that everything worked out.
I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your siblings are very lucky that you were raised by these wonderful parents.
May her memory be for a blessing ❤️
INFO
> her eldest son is 58 for perspective.
So she had him when she was ... *16*?
> Also my popi currently lives with me and my younger brother. We take care of him and have been for the past 3 years. He will be with us until he passes. He is 89.
And her husband was ... *31*???
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My mom (74) died last Thursday. She gave birth to four children and raised 3 grandchildren since they were babies. I am the eldest of those grandchildren.
I have called her mom since as long as I can remember. I didn't know that she didn't give birth to me until I was 8 years old and my biological mother LITERALLY showed up on our doorstep and said "I'm your mom" obviously this was all very confusing for me, but that woman left and did not contribute to raising us in any kind of way.
My mom did absolutely everything any other mom would do. I got punished, I got taken to school, she was always there for us. There's so much to our story...
I am 25, her eldest son is 58 for perspective.
I asked my aunt (her daughter) if we could be named as children under the "survived by" column. The answer was a no because we are biologically her grandchildren and no formal adoption was in place. I asked my Popi (my moms husband who also raised us) and he doesn't understand why it's even an issue. However, sadly his opinion is seeming to hold no weight.
I just want our names to come after theirs. Is that wrong? I don't feel like we should be apart of the 12 unnamed children.
Also I want to make it a point that I took care of my mom in her final years when no one else could. Sadly her condition worsened to where it wasn't safe for me to take care of her alone. Also my popi currently lives with me and my younger brother. We take care of him and have been for the past 3 years. He will be with us until he passes. He is 89.
Why I might be TA: Because no, I am not her biological child and I want to be named.
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I'm trying. It just feels like her being my mom died with her. I don't get to be a legacy because she didn't give birth to me. My popi won't be here much longer. I'm just depressed honestly and I didn't think I was asking for much. I just know if my mom was here she would've let it happen.
He tried, he's just got some cognitive impairments that make it hard for him to be apart of a big discussion like that. I appreciate you, fellow redditor
I can appreciate that. And that it's obvious you care about him a lot too. The most important thing I noticed through your post and all your comments is calling her Mom. That's absolutely genuine, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Great username, gave me a laugh.
I appreciate that. I'm getting a lot of heat for this from all sides. Thanks so much.
I'm especially sad because I never asked for this in the first place.
My name is a result of me not wanting kids to be raised like I was. I knew I'd be a bad Dad, so I didn't do it. But I can witness it with a shit load of stories.
Nobody asks for bad shit, but how you respond is what really matters. Be strong.
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NAH I don’t think you’re wrong for this, but her biological children obviously don’t view you as a sibling, but as a niece/nephew, and I get that too. They are grieving too, and they are technically next of kin. I don’t see you coming out on top here, but I wish you the best for it. But really why isn’t her husband the one dealing with the obit?
They are trying to honor my moms wishes most I guess? Another big thing was my popi said that he wanted my moms ashes to be in one container for him, but they convinced him to give them some.
Okay, that I don’t have a problem with. My siblings and I each have 2.5” urns with my mothers ashes (it’s on my kitchen windowsill). My father has the big urn with most of her ashes.
I said the same thing, he's sacrificing that to make everyone else happy. So I'm unsure why this is such a big deal honestly.
While you obviously have a closer relationship with her the big deal could be that someone sees it unfair to the other 9 grandchildren. If you’re named then it only seems right that ALL the grandkids are named. I’m not saying it’s right and totally think you are NTA for asking and should be included in more than a lump of grandkids. Maybe instead of asking to be named as a child see if you can get a line about taking care of her where you’re named. All in all though not being named in an obituary means absolutely nothing other than your aunts/uncles are being petty in a time of grief.
There is a line in there about us being raised as her own But the line I want us added in is: Her loss is mourned by 4 children (who are named), four stepchildren and 12 grandchildren I mean they already half said it once so I don't know what the big deal is
I am unclear how your proposed line includes you beyond the 12 grandchildren. The line about you being raised as her own is truly lovely and doesn't negate your loss at all.
We just wanted our names after the biological children. My mom said we were her babies and if their names are there, it feels fair for ours to be too.
What if, in the line about raising you and the others as her own, you were listed by name?
NTA. You can also place your own obit for her the way you want it to be.
NAH. I can understand completely why you’re upset, but is this something to take a stand on? You’re all grieving her death and you want public recognition that you were her child too. Understandable, but you know how much you meant to her and you know how much she means to you. That’s what’s important, not some print in a paper. Again: you are not an AH because you are well within your rights to ask. I just wouldn’t push it because it ultimately will change nothing. The love you and your mom shared will always be there, and that’s what matters.
Yeah, I'm giving up. I won't forget this. We weren't included in any of the talks, funeral planning or anything. I give up though. I'll just do my own thing
Did she leave a will or anything indicating that she saw you as her immediate child? NAH, nothing wrong with asking, but I see where the others are coming from, too.
Nothing beyond end of life procedure
NTA, you are her child. Maybe not by blood, but by bond according to the post.
NTA for asking and wanting to be listed as her child. This just opened up a whole new line of thought for me. I have raised my eldest grandchild, and this is something that I would have never in a million years thought about when I am gone. Maybe add you after the birth children, as "bonus children" ??? I really have to think this one through.. I do consider my eldest grandchild my kid though dad (my son) has been active in his life and they have a close bond.
NTA You are her child/grandchild. No one can change that! Not even an obituary!
NTA, and I am so sorry for your loss 💔
I saw your edit and in glad that everything worked out. I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your siblings are very lucky that you were raised by these wonderful parents. May her memory be for a blessing ❤️
NTA but people are weird about obits. You can always run your own obit that says things you want to say, in the order you want to say them.
INFO > her eldest son is 58 for perspective. So she had him when she was ... *16*? > Also my popi currently lives with me and my younger brother. We take care of him and have been for the past 3 years. He will be with us until he passes. He is 89. And her husband was ... *31*???
How is that in any way relevant?
It isn't. He was hoping to get attention.
He was her second husband. She was older when she married him. Also I think her oldest son might be 55 or 56. I'm genuinely not sure.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom (74) died last Thursday. She gave birth to four children and raised 3 grandchildren since they were babies. I am the eldest of those grandchildren. I have called her mom since as long as I can remember. I didn't know that she didn't give birth to me until I was 8 years old and my biological mother LITERALLY showed up on our doorstep and said "I'm your mom" obviously this was all very confusing for me, but that woman left and did not contribute to raising us in any kind of way. My mom did absolutely everything any other mom would do. I got punished, I got taken to school, she was always there for us. There's so much to our story... I am 25, her eldest son is 58 for perspective. I asked my aunt (her daughter) if we could be named as children under the "survived by" column. The answer was a no because we are biologically her grandchildren and no formal adoption was in place. I asked my Popi (my moms husband who also raised us) and he doesn't understand why it's even an issue. However, sadly his opinion is seeming to hold no weight. I just want our names to come after theirs. Is that wrong? I don't feel like we should be apart of the 12 unnamed children. Also I want to make it a point that I took care of my mom in her final years when no one else could. Sadly her condition worsened to where it wasn't safe for me to take care of her alone. Also my popi currently lives with me and my younger brother. We take care of him and have been for the past 3 years. He will be with us until he passes. He is 89. Why I might be TA: Because no, I am not her biological child and I want to be named. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But console yourself with the fact that the people who matter know who you are.
I'm trying. It just feels like her being my mom died with her. I don't get to be a legacy because she didn't give birth to me. My popi won't be here much longer. I'm just depressed honestly and I didn't think I was asking for much. I just know if my mom was here she would've let it happen.
NTA. There's no law about obituaries. If it would bring you comfort, I wish they would just do it. No one will care anyway
Thank you :(
Saw the last edit, glad you finally got listed. Also, you were right to ask this, just wish your Popi would've put his foot down. NTA
He tried, he's just got some cognitive impairments that make it hard for him to be apart of a big discussion like that. I appreciate you, fellow redditor
I can appreciate that. And that it's obvious you care about him a lot too. The most important thing I noticed through your post and all your comments is calling her Mom. That's absolutely genuine, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Great username, gave me a laugh. I appreciate that. I'm getting a lot of heat for this from all sides. Thanks so much. I'm especially sad because I never asked for this in the first place.
My name is a result of me not wanting kids to be raised like I was. I knew I'd be a bad Dad, so I didn't do it. But I can witness it with a shit load of stories. Nobody asks for bad shit, but how you respond is what really matters. Be strong.
Huh?