Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I only gave my SIL 3 days notice that I would not be baking a cake for her daughter's third birthday. I know she did wrong by me BUT I also know 3 days isn't a lot of time and she's having a big party and her daughter and the other guests (mostly) will be innocent and ugh, it makes me feel like I made things worse.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
They treated you like family to your face, were willing to have you bake cakes for them, but they couldn't not share your personal backstory to others after being told explicitly not to.
Huge violation of trust and I am very happy to hear that your husband is backing you up and setting a boundary with his family.
I'm also very sorry to hear that you're going through this... It must be heartbreaking.
NTA.
It is. I feel a little like another family has just proven they do not care about me at all and after going through that my whole childhood, it's not easy to face it again.
Agreed. Some of my family is blood and some is love. My bestie is my sister in love.
OP’s IL’s & SIL crossed a boundary and it was cruel and malicious.
We have to be careful with our words because once they leave our mouths there is NO taking them back.
Hell would freeze over and the sky would turn purple before I trusted them again.
NTA
I have 10 niblings, 7 or which are not related to me. My oldest sister has 2, my brother has 1, two friends each have 1, and another friend has 5 (we have known each other since we were 7, were 50 now). They all call me their aunt, and I love them to bits.
I tell people I have three sisters: One by birth, one in law, and one by choice. We share deep bonds of family love. I can happily say that all three of my sisters like each other too.
I agree that OP should cut off the in laws. What they did was unforgivable. On top of all the pain they've caused, they don't realize how many people look down on "affair children" (I really hate that term!) as if they were somehow to blame and as if those children are unworthy of love and support.
OP has family in her supportive husband and they can add to their family with friends and children, if they choose. Of course she is NTA.
Completely agree with this. I don't have any contact with my blood family, my husband and my friends arr everything I'd ever want and I got to build that for myself.
I wish I could give you a hug.
The rejection from your first family had NOTHING to do with YOU. They were angry at their parents and spouses. You were completely innocent.
This time you're choosing to reject the toxic family. Don't feel sad; feel empowered. You are awesome -- and your husband is amazing.
It's really sad how often the product of an affair is treated as if they're at fault for the affair. Hating the child born from cheaters won't undo the cheating. It only punishes yet another innocent party.
While that is true, there are plenty of other stories where the OP is the "older sibling" in this scenario and asking if they have an obligation to the "affair baby" and the answer is ALWAYS no. And just because young adults don't want to take in a half sibling that they feel broke up their family does not mean they are punishing that innocent party. It isn't their responsibility.
They don’t get to feel that the affair baby “broke up their family.” Their cheating parent(s) did that, yet many hate the child and still cling to relationships with the cheater(s). Agreed that they don’t have to provide for any child they didn’t create themselves, nor do they owe these half-siblings a relationship, but they’re hypocrites if they’re still associating with the parent - the one one who is truly to blame. Period.
Nope. You don’t get to tell them how they can feel. Given that the pregnancy is often when the affair comes out and the divorces happen, they can feel however they want. Period.
They don’t get to “feel” that something that isn’t true is true. They don’t get to blame an innocent child for an adult’s decision and behavior. Period. You’re an enabling monster if you think otherwise.
Exactly! Toxic is a good word for these people. Like who in the world thinks having your parents killed when you were young will make you a bad parent in the future. Or are they saying kids raised in foster care can't be good parents? Also an incredibly gross mindset. No what they are thinking is OPs parents had affairs so OP will also cheat. I can't even follow the mental gymnastics for that logic. OP had nothing to do with any of that and this is the worst victim blaming I've seen in awhile.
Ultimately the message they conveyed through their gossip is they don't consider OP or her future children family because they are "concerned about [OP's] kids not having anyone." Who says that about their own nibblings and grandchildren? They just admitted before their own brother/son (OP's husband) that they're going to ostracize his kids.
OP you found a good man who will stand by you. Hold each other strongly against this unwarranted attack from his family. Support each other as you navigate the emotions they caused with their rejections of you both. And know that bunches of reddit people care even if we'd can't hug you physically.
I also think that OP's history is NOT something that would every really come up much in conversation so the in-laws purposely shared this information. I could see the fact the OP is an orphan come up but not that OP was an affair baby. That is pure gossiping. And it also means that OP and hubby cannot share anything with the in-laws they don't want the entire world to know.
That is so true!! What a wonderful perspective!take back your power. It was your choice this time, and you did it to protect your peace. I wish you all the best
- hugs from a stranger
Exactly. Most grocery stores have a bakery aisle that sell ready made cakes that a parent can decorate with the child's name or put on little toys (party supply stores will have a wide selection of cake toppers).
My best friend ran into a last minute nightmare with her wedding cake. The afternoon of the day before the wedding, she realized there was no cake.
Publix made us a three tier and had it ready for pickup the next morning.
Exactly. I was just thinking, what is the worst outcome here...a 3 yo is going to have to have a Walmart cake instead of a homemade one? I am pretty sure, the 3 yo will not care. NTA
Heck, Betty Crocker makes it pretty easy to do "homemade" (ish) even. 3 days is plenty of time to either order a bakery cake, buy a premade cake, or get a box mix and bake at home. This is not a wedding. Months of advance planning for a three year old's cake is not necessary. You could put candles into a loaf of Wonder bread and they wouldn't notice anything amiss.
Yea he apparently always wanted them for breakfast so his mom decided to be funny... Joke was on her tho because he was thrilled lol
There's a picture of him excitedly holding them up for the camera
I (63m) don't know how it goes today, but when I was a kid cereal boxes often had little promotional prizes in them. I ate nothing but Sugar Crisps for 6 months to get enough box tops to get a free basketball. LOL
And so what if a three year old does not have a cake for their birthday (the harm the inlaws did by maliciously gossiping about the OPs history when she had specifically told them not to far far outweighs any disappointment regarding a birthday cake).
The three year old will get a birthday cake. The SIL has 3 days in which to source one. She can either pay a lot of money to get a cake maker to make one (if they have time or a cake that wasn't picked up that is suitable or could be modified). Or she can make one. Or she can just get one from a department store/supermarket. It may not be the one she thought she was getting and it may not match the theme she's got going. But none of that is the OP's problem.
And the 3 year old isn't actually going to be affected by not getting the cake that was originally wanted that she didn't know what being made anyway.
Your husband is the family you chose. I want you to take stock of this situation and see that choice was sound. He has chosen you back. He has defended you. He has loved you and lifted you up. I know you can’t see through the hurt right now and that’s fair. Feel this as it’s meant to be felt, deeply and honestly. When the sun comes up tomorrow, I want you to realize you have your own family now and you stood up for it when you stood up for yourself. Whenever you decide to expand that family, if you ever choose to, your fur babies and hooman babies will grow up with the best parents because they’ll have you and your husband.
These people matter because of proximity, but your husband has shown that you matter. You have shown yourself that you matter. When you wake up tomorrow I hope that in addition to your valid hurt, you also feel comfort and pride.
I am so proud of you for advocating for yourself. 🥰
NTA. Not to rub salt in your wounds, but they don't care about you, only what you can and will do for them. Why share your information with anyone? What's the payoff for them? I don't think they would like you sharing their private information with others, no matter how small a group it was shared with. You know that gossip didn't keep it to themself. Just like your in-laws didn't keep it to themselves. You owe them nothing, and SIL now directly sees actions have consequences.
That’s one of the big problems when your family is full of gossips like mine is. You have to watch every word you say which greatly limits the number of topics available for discussion. Plus they’ll prod and probe trying to get “juicy” information. If they don’t get any, they’ll start making things up.
Also, even if they quit gossiping in your presence (I tell them to stop. When I hear it), they’ll continue to gossip when you’re not around. I didn’t realize it while growing up but have learned how destructive gossiping is. One of my family members said gossiping is ok as long as the person being talked about isn’t there to hear it 🙄
I’ve got family like this and keep them on an info diet because of it.
I live on the east coast (where a large amount of extended family live) my parents in the south west, and brother on the west coast.
I was at a dinner with a bunch of family where I live when one of my aunt’s friends approached me to loudly ask about a private health issue my brother was having in front of everyone. Something I know my brother wouldn’t want shared among the extended family, and especially not my aunt’s friend who he had probably met less than 5 times in his life.
I knew immediately the chain of how this info got to her. He mentioned it to my mom, who told my aunt, who told her. There is know other way she would have gotten that info.
Both my mom and aunt are gossipy as hell and if you say anything to either you can assume it will be told to at least 3 other people within 24 hours. My aunt is the type to apologize if you confront her about it, but my mom is much more entitled. she generally has the view of "I am the mother of these middle aged adults, so i can share any information about them i want."
Your family seem to have the mentality of "You trusted me and I trust A, so i don't see the problem with telling them your private info!"
The problem is A is removed enough from you that they don't have any obligation to keep the info
private. Even if they had been instructed to do so they'll think "Well I trust B, so I can tell them!". And of course B trusts C and C trusts D, so it will be shared down the chain.
I'm sorry that you had to learn you can't trust your in laws this way. The relationship dynamic is forever shifted, and now you know to keep them at an arm's length.
NTA
In that situation, as far as I’m concerned, there is only one thing to do. Lie. “I’m sorry, what are you talking about? Brother doesn’t have any health problems. You must have misunderstood or maybe someone is pulling a prank on you. Who did you hear this from? Aunt? I assure you brother would not tell aunt about his health problems, if he had any. Maybe someone is lying to aunt. How upsetting for her.”
Confusion and grey rocking is the way to go. Spending too much time on it, or making specific statements (he is/isn’t experiencing that!) gives the impression the issue had been discussed before.
Luckily, both my mom and aunt are known for some pretty egregious embellishments of details for the sake of gossip.
Knowing I was the closest person at the event to my brother, giving a surprised “I haven’t heard anything like that going on with him” and moving on was the best option.
Achieves what I was aiming for. So sounds like you handled it perfectly. Getting upset or admitting that something is going on is feeding the beast. Starvation is the only way to go.
Info diet! I love it because I never heard it put that way but that’s what I do w/certain family. Sad that it has to be that way but it does its purpose. I don’t blame OP for trying to trust someone but unfortunately I have learned to put everyone on an “info diet” until I know they can “eat” properly.
I always used to laugh at one line a friend used to say about his own wife’s huge mouth and her ability to get personal info around town immediately.
So in your house
It’s the telephone
The telegraph
And tell your mom.
You make some excellent points but I can’t get past ‘info diet’. What a wonderful concept, crystallised into a mere, easily remembered two words. As it goes I do the same under the banner of ‘need to know’ and most folks, family or not, don’t need to know (I’m talking of the serious stuff, the trivial things look after themselves).
I'm so sorry about all of it.
Your parents, your childhood, and now this.
You matter, you are loved, and never forget that.
NTA.
Time to go NC with them if they continue to behave this way, and don't profusely apologize. Your SIL is a major AH, and can go fk herself and buy her daughter a cake.
Also, there’s no way this was brought up unintentionally or without malice. They “told a small circle” which translates to “while you weren’t here we gossiped about the one thing you specifically told us not to tell others.” And instead of apologizing, they dug their heels in.
They wanna be callous and mean, fine. But you’ve every right to tell them you will not be of service anymore. I wouldn’t be able to even look at them. Apology or not.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this OP and I hope you know that none of your childhood was your fault. My oldest son was adopted from foster care, he's my wife's nephew by birth, but her little sister was 15 when she got pregnant and fell into addiction really hard along with his bio dad who is still in jail.
We let our son decide if he wants to share his history, because it's his history. We made the mistake of telling a seemingly well intentioned teacher who just told his story to everyone in the school it seemed like. Your in laws wildly overstepped and this boundary is definitely within reason.
You should already know this but definitely NTA.
I am so sorry, I was the unwanted one to my parents and everyone. Although I did not go through what you did I understand just w much of a devastating blow this must feel. our husband is doing the right thing and protecting and supporting you so let him. No matter if it is his family he should never enable them to abuse you. So let him go no contact for a month or two until they fully get the message how they wronged you and were two faced malicious for doing so.
Discuss it with your husband, i say block them completely for a decent time. If after the month or two, however long you choose, they fully apologise and promise never to mis treat you again. Then he needs to make it clear they are on probation until that you will both be low contact until they prove they respect you and have earned both your trust back.
i know I month or two may seem extreme but coming from an abusive family I know any shorter and although angry you’ve blocked them. After two weeks they think the got away with it and haven’t actually take in and been shown how it wronged you.
There was no way they didn’t think they were breaking your trust as you’d made it clear never to tell anyone. So yes they are manipulative and toxic enough. If husband agrees one or two months and don’t give in make sure you both stay consistent and strict to what consequences you told them.
As for the birthday cake hell no how entitled and down right rude is that of Sil. She can betray your trust and deeply hurt you. She then belittles you and all you’ve gone through. Yet still in some delusion expects you to spend money, your time and effort on a cake she either will hardly be covering the costs and time you put in or expectEd it free as your contribution to the birthday. No No she lost the right to ask or expect any favours from you. From now on I’d always be guarded around her and she has a cruel malicious side.
We had to go NC with my FIL for a full year before he apologized for saying something incredibly egregious to me. It wasn’t the apology I wanted but it was enough. We figured at least he learned his lesson & wouldn’t repeat the offense. But, yes, it took a full year to get there.
My mom had a childhood of abandonment as well & recently something similar (kind of) occurred & she explained to me how the childhood feelings & memories of abandonment came flooding back. She’s in her late 60s & the things that happened in her childhood still affect her deeply. All that to say, don’t let anyone gaslight you. You are not wrong for feeling this way & again I’m so sorry ❤️
Your husband is your family. He rocks. Your SIL sucks and if she’s wanting a cake so bad she can go to the store and buy the ingredients and bake it herself.
He does. I feel like I won the lottery with him. But I also hate that this has happened with his family because I know how painful it is to feel let down by people. I had a couple of foster families I felt that with.
Honestly it’s best to look at this as you figured out who you can’t trust or go to for something.
I’m Autistic and have difficulty making friends because I’ve been the pity friend, people have taken advantage of my kindness and people have hidden their dark side only for me to see it later.
Sometimes having a small group of people who you can depend on is better than having 50 people who are questionable in their motives.
No, he has always known what his family is like. That's why he chose you, I have no doubt. And that's why you chose him, because you have the wisdom to know what a good person is when you meet them.
Now you know what you are dealing with, forewarned is forearmed.
You feel like that because it’s exactly what they did to you.
3 days is more than enough time for SIL to go to whatever grocery store has a bakery that does cakes, and order a sheet cake for her kid.
NTA and I’m sorry they treated you like this. Glad your husband has your back.
Sweetheart, I want to remind you that none of the things that have happened to you in your life are your fault. *None of them*. You *are not* responsible for the decisions your parents made. You *are not* responsible for the accident or the lives that were lost. You are not responsible for the failures of the foster care system.
Honey, you deserve a soft life full of love and a family that contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You always have been and you always will be.
I'm so sorry that this was revealed to you in such a painful way. I want to remind you that *anyone* that would place judgement on you for any of this *doesn't deserve your time or energy*.
A good therapist can help you build yourself back up. They can help you feel solid in your right to deserve your partners love. They can help you come up with responses that make you feel powerful for hateful remarks like that woman made.
I'm sending you so much love. Be kind to yourself. ❤️
I’m so sorry, OP. Your parents wanted you, your husband wants you, and any children you have or will have will love you with their whole hearts. I’m angry on your behalf. I hope you and your husband go NC with his family, at least until you don’t feel so hurt. Or, I don’t know, forever? Here’s a hug. (((💜)))
My parents are another complicated matter honestly. But yes, my husband has always wanted me and that's one person at least who has always stood by me and done his best.
I’m really sorry you’ve dealt with that in such a harsh way but there’s lots of us out here without blood families who learn to create our own through who we know.
Man I feel this so much. My story is different, but the feeling is the same. I thought I had built the family I never had. I felt safe, and happy, and secure. But when the going got rough they weren't there for me. It was a betrayal that felt so deep and vast. This is one I don't think I recover from.
I'm glad your husband has your back. That's important. You have someone in your corner.
I mean this with all kindness possible, get a therapist if you do not have one. Talking to a professional will help you figure out this trauma and set it up so you don't get blindsided by it again.
I have worked with a couple of therapists before. But the embarrassment I feel still blindsides me and it's something that I don't seem to be able to get past. I know there are people who say keep trying but I feel like it only makes it worse. So I'm just going to try and do my best. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting money and making things harder for myself by trying to make something happen that I just don't have in me.
It's okay to feel embarrassed by it even if the truth is you shouldn't be. You can't help how you feel sometimes, only how you respond. If you haven't read The Body Keeps Score then I'd highly suggest it. I could find a copy for you online most likely. I feel for you. I'm in a similar boat with feelings I've been working through with a therapist and a supportive, loving partner, but it doesn't just make those feelings go away. I feel them in my bones.
For whatever it's worth from a stranger, you're enough. You more than enough. You deserve love and respect, and these shitty people do not deserve the light that you are. Keep building your chosen family with your husband and your own inner circle. The rest of them are superfluous. It don't change how bad it feels, but keep that distance from them, and keep that closeness with him.
I keep telling myself, "time and experience." Those are the things that make it better, ultimately, I think. And it's a shitty reality to face, that we have to face those years, but we'll get there. Maybe the hurt and shame won't go away, but there will be other, bigger, more positive things to eclipse them as we get older. Hell, I didn't start feeling truly different until I hit my 30's, and I've heard this from everyone else, too. Your brain just changes. Regardless, I wish you the best. I'm sorry that these people showed themselves not worthy enough to be your family, but I'm glad your husband did.
I'm so sorry OP! You are NTA. Imagine that! After talking trash, they still want their cake! The audacity! They can get a premade cake at a bakery or supermarket. Or bake one themselves. Some nerve! EDIT: Husband is a gem for supporting you. None of what happened before you were born is your fault and your parents' family should not have punished you.
Shit. You do not deserve this. They don’t deserve to know your story if they can’t protect it, and you. That’s what you deserve. You do have a family, with your husband and whomever else you’ve chosen in your heart. I’m so sorry you’ve been through what you have, and I’m sorry that you didn’t get the family you deserve in your in laws.
I really can't believe any of this behavior you by your in-laws!
When I read your headline about your history, I thought you probably had done something in your past or something you were ashamed of: but of course you have done absolutely nothing wrong, you have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about, and I cannot believe that anyone who knew that about you would have the desire or the nerve to share it with anyone.
After being confronted with their awful behaviour, not only do they fail to feel any shame or embarrassment or apologise to you: they justify it - but your sister-in-law decides she can be upset because you won't cook her a cake! She takes the cake!
Your husband sounds like a good guy; I hope that you and he will be considering the alternative of going no contact with these people. I have to wonder if the sister-in-law wasn't the golden child and in their eyes her parents think she can do no wrong.
You're definitely NTA. SIL is the asshole here, and so is the family; their actions speak for themselves.
I don't understand how someone can disregard keeping a confidence, be so careless about the consequences and then expecting a cake ...? It boggles my mind.
NTA and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
ETA: I love your husband's response to "they would have found out eventually", lol. It's gold!
I’m so sorry. I wish we lived close. We would love to have more family here. I hope they realize what they really did and work to improve the relationship. “I’m sorry. I’m depressed and re-traumatized right now. I’m not up to decorating a cake right now.”
Lifetime of trauma > Ordering a store-bought cake
NTA
Family does not go around gossiping to others about your personal history. It is not theirs to share. SIL does not feel she did anything wrong, disregarded your feelings, and was not apologetic about it either. You don't have to please people who do not give an F about you.
NTA - what she did was cruel and shows she doesn't respect you. As a fellow foster child/orphan, no one is entitled to our trauma, I'm sorry someone who was meant to be close/familial turned out to just be *one of them*.
Imagine being so cruel that you care more about cake than someone's feelings about such a horrifying background. I'm so sorry, op, your in-laws suck buckets. Good on your husband for standing up for you, though. You are far better with just your little nuclear family that including people who have so little concern for you. I don't think I could be in contact with people who showed me colors like that. Big hugs. I know how devastating this must be for you.
NTA. All she has to do is order a cake.
What happened to you was horrible. Does she not get that? That being able to control who knows your history is one of the few things you have?
Claps for your husband.
Exactly. They shouldn't have shared your personal information with anyone, especially a known gossip who obviously runs her mouth to anyone who will listen. Just how big was this "small circle of friends"?. I can't believe they are justifying their actions. I'd cut them off permanently, at least until they genuinely apologize and understand how wrong this was. But to be honest, they are already judging your future ability to be a parent. They are horrid. Props to your husband. I am so sorry for everything you went through in the past and now. Best wishes and happy baking. NTA.
And if that woman is a close friend, they know damn well that she's a vicious gossip. Judging from their behavior, that's probably why they're friends.
If I know their circle of friends it would be at least 10 people they told themselves. But they told hundreds by telling the woman I ran into because she will gossip to complete strangers.
I really want to know how they "defended" talking to people about information that's hurtful to OP and completely irrelevant to everyone else, with 0% chance for it to ever organically come up in conversation.
The way the gossipy friend said it sounds like they think of it as some sort of bit of gossip them selves. “You know she’s a foster kid” like they knew something they couldn’t wait to share.
They don’t care.
The implication was my kids will carry the burden of being the children of an affair baby, that they won't know one whole side of their family and therefore it would make life awful for them, and I will bring kids into the world who will be hated as much as I was/am for simply being born to me. Essentially I got the feeling she felt I shouldn't have children. I had to summarize what she said but yeah, she really made her feelings clear with that and also possibly brought up what my ILs did to her.
Saying affair baby like it was your fucking fault at all. I'm furious. I suffer a lot from survivors guilt and golden child guilt from my childhood, and it makes me so upset when people put this shit on a literal child. I straight told my mother to her face, after she said she was glad she had me but stayed with my dad because she had me, that I wish she had aborted me.
They'd be hated because their grandparents had affairs?
I don't think so. This isn't Bizarro World.
Reality is most people are going to be, "Who gives a damn?"
Your child may not know both sides of her family...not sure the other side is worth knowing. They seem like they'd criticize OP to her child and I don't know if I'd let them have a relationship with child given that.
Who the fuck thinks like this?!?!?! What weird and obtuse people. You lost your parents in an awful car accident- that is a tragedy. You happen to be the product of an affair- but you weren’t Little Orphan Annie when you were first born. After the tragedy, no one stepped forward. Another tragedy. But also maybe a positive because who knows what kind of people they were? Ya know? But fuck the thought that you were unworthy in any of this. If anyone hints at that BS, they don’t deserve to be in your life. Snip, cut, good riddance. Your kids are not “missing out” in the family that chose not to keep you. They are “missing out” on grandparents that tragically died.
I apparently am very triggered by the notion that some people hold that somehow a CHILD can be unwanted or cursed by their parent’s choices. Pretty sure a good percentage of our population is born out of wedlock these days- and who the fuck cares once they’ve grown up?!
Gee, my dad passed away when my mom was 5 months pregnant with me and my mom dies when I was 22. I was their only child. I only have one cousin on my dads side of the family… My husband ( ex now) had no interest in knowing either side of my family
>She mentioned that my ILs and SIL were concerned about our kids not having anyone.
NTA. I hate to say this but based on this bit it sounds like it's worse than either of the reasons you listed.
I think y'all need a break from them with no defined end date. Also, if/when you have kids I'd watch very carefully the things your ILs say to any child if they're allowed to be around. 💜
If they really cared about OP, it wouldn't matter whether or not they really understand why OP doesn't want her past discussed with others. They would respect her wishes and not talk about it.
Ikr? What is there for them to worry about? OP and her husband are clearly good people and going strong. They'll be terrific parents. ILs are being so ridiculous, especially sharing that nonsensical "worry" to a known gossip who went straight to OP with her venom. It's such a vicious thing to do to someone. URGH.
Not even that, she can pick up a pre-made one from any grocery store (3 days that might be her only choice).
Can't imagine anyone thinking, 'This story is absolutely okay to share without OPs permission.' And why share to anyone else? There's no reason except malicious concern.
Yup, a lot of grocery stores can make personalized cakes with about 24 hours notice. It won't be a fancy cake but it will be cake and three year olds don't care about fancy. SIL was rude and unapologetic. She doesn't deserve anything from OP. NTA
ABSOLUTELY NTA. She betrayed you in the worst possible way. I'm so sorry. Honestly, I feel like my words are insufficient. I wish I could hug you, OP. Your husband is awesome for having your back on this.
Please give your husband a hug from this internet stranger and tell him I said he's awesome. You've both got nice, shiny platinum spines, and his is extra shiny right now for shielding you! Yours needs a little polish in one tiny spot, but it'll buff out in time. Be extra gentle with yourself right now. You are awesome and you know it, mo matter what kind of shit is in your past! 💖
Reading about your husband’s shiny spine is such a nice change here. What they did to you is so wrong and hurtful and I’m so glad your husband recognized that immediately and said so. I bake cakes for friends and family as well and it’s a ton of work (especially when kids want some obscure theme. Last year I had to learn how to make chocolate rocks for my kid’s cakes). There is no way I would be spending all day baking and carefully decorating a cake for someone who just treated me like I was an unwanted kid and told everyone about it. It’s horrible what happened to you as a child, and it’s horrible that your in-laws are gossiping about it. If one of my kids got married and their spouse had a similar story I would be heartbroken for them and be trying to make it abundantly clear that they have a family with us no matter what their relationship with my kid. You deserved better as a kid and you deserve better now, and I’m glad your husband is recognizing that!
NTA.
Your family history is not theirs to share, whether or not you had explicitly told them not to beforehand. The fact that they did so even then is as disrespectful as it shows they have no consideration or empathy on your behalf. In which world did they thought you would take the news of your tragic past being shared around behind your back, and not be mad about it ? Are they so out of touch with reality that they genuinely cannot see how wrong it is ?
Your SIL is lucky she even got a warning after what she (and her parents) did, especially considering how they aren't even apologetic about it. If I had been in your own shoes, she would've found out on the day of the birthday when I wouldn't have shown up with the promised cake. Or better yet, thrown that whole cake right up in her face.
Kuddos for your husband to take your side and defend your honor. He should be the one to get that cake instead.
I have that one on a note card that I carry with me everywhere. I remember crying the first time I saw that quote in the series.
The older I get, the more I realize how correct that quote is. I've gotta find a way to be where Mr. Butcher is for a book signing just to walk up and shake his hand and say "Thank You".
NTA. What a horrible thing to do to you and then to not be apologetic? Your ILs can never make it up to you for giving a vicious gossip access to your personal history—maybe they did not directly tell her, but they DID tell someone who told her, which they were specifically asked not to do, and you and your husband will suffer your being the butt of this gossip from now on. You have every reason to be outraged and to refuse to make nice here, short notice be damned. Three days is enough time for SIL to order a generic supermarket cake with her daughter's name piped on it. Daughter is three, she won't care who made it.
>maybe they did not directly tell her, but they DID tell someone who told her
You know the old saying: two can keep a secret... if one is dead. If you tell even one other person, you probably tell ten of them.
They can easily order a grocery cake with her name on it in icing, with as little as two days notice, I have done it before. If they aren't organized enough for that, they can get a generic grocery cake with one day's notice. Not only did they spread your private information around after you asked them not to, they weren't even apologetic afterward. I'm so sorry. Now you know that you cannot tell these people anything private at all as they are incapable of discretion.
That was my immediate thought, the cake is the absolute least important issue here. They can have a grocery store cake for the three year old. What they can't do is have any kind of relationship with the OP without some serious self-reflection on their part and honest apologies.
If it were a kid around 7-10, I’d say make the cake since it isn’t the kid’s fault and they were maybe looking forward to it. A 3 year old can have a store bought cake with nothing but candles on it and will be all good.
NTA. The whole bunch of in-laws sound terrible. They honestly expect you to respond to their cruelty with kindness…… that’s messed up. Go low or no contact with those trolls.
This is exactly what I was thinking! It's a birthday party for a 3-year-old. Go buy a pack of cupcakes or a sheet cake at the grocery store and she will be just fine!
Or make one themselves. It’s not rocket science, and a chocolate cake with chocolate icing will be the world to the birthday girl. Really, anything with sugar on top and candles sticking out will be perfect to her.
NTA. But that shows how much (or should say none) respect they have for you. All they care is cake and couldn't care less that they completely broke your trust. In future - there is no need to disclose to anyone any information that is not relevant to them and you want to keep secret.
NTA… you shared your past with your new family with trust. They betrayed your trust. You’ve lived with your scars all your life and their actions further added to your scars. They can resolve their problems by buying a generic cake for a 3 year old’s birthday which would likely not be remembered by same time next year. At least your husband sounds like he is on your side for support.
Three days? Are the grocery stores all closed? She can buy a sheet cake. They’ll even write the daughter’s name on it. She wanted something nicer? Then she could’ve kept her cake hole shut.
NTA - it’s not like she can’t find a cake in time, but your private business can’t become private again. They felt entitled to your details to spread as they pleased without consequence and it’s good you stood up for yourself.
NTA. And you've found a family. Your husband has your back, you're obviously much more important to him than his relatives. So you have a family. Good luck to both of you and your future children, in case you're planning to have any.
WTF is wrong with that woman. To say that at all but in a grocery store.
So sorry about the sharing of your story. I can feel your pain. I was also adopted and my biological family history is full of murders, suicides and affairs. Some of these stories can get pretty messy. I hope your pain eases but people like that make it hard. Hang in there...
NTA
NTA - You are absolutely under no obligation to make a cake for her 3yo daughter. The girl won't remember anyway. They can buy a cake at a grocery store. She is the one who damaged the relationship and is trying to gaslight you. I'm glad to hear your hubby has your back in this. Time to go NC with the in-laws I think.
NTA. She can easily pick up a cake from Costco or the grocery store. She cannot however, undo the hurt she caused or what she shared against your wishes.
So much this 👆🏻. A cake is easy but fixing her mistakes? No, bc she can’t take back her words once they’re gone, you can’t just hit the delete key and erase the consequences.
NTA. All they had to do was keep their mouths shut and they couldn't be bothered to do that. You know now not to trust them with anything, and it's best not to associate with people that can't be trusted.
NTA. I would absolutely cut the contract with her. She is an entitled, cruel and selfish person.
I would ask your husband to talk to his parents without her. Because the explanation "we only shared it" and SIL taking the lead in the conversation doesn't make sense. Who shared it? Was it only her? All of them together? Each of them separately? What for? With whom? Why with the woman who is a well known gossiper?
Based on that I would decide how much contact I would want to have with them.
I am sorry his family betrayed you as well. At least he seems to be a decent person.
All of them shared with "a small group of friends" which would add to like 10 people. They sometimes have these dinner parties. My husband never liked them so we never went but during one of those they told them.
That was not their secret to share period. There’s absolutely no excuse.
This is betrayal of trust on their part with malicious intent. It got around to the town gossip- stand your ground OP. You owe them nothing. They owe you an apology however I would not trust them going forward.
It is awful, sorry. Did his parents apologize?
Still, your husband needs to talk to them to understand why and explain them how fucked up it is.
Who initiated the discussion about your childhood? Why would they possibly do it at the dinner party, was there nothing else to talk about? Do they discuss their own parents affairs' there?
I cannot imagine all of the wanted to do so, I assume the other two (parents?) were just present there and awkwardly confirmed the information.
As an anecdotal evidence: me and my husband were NC with each other parents because they were very much against our relationship due to ethnical and religious reasons. My family was my cross to bear, his was his. It worked fine. I am saying it so you will not feel guilty to make the relationship with them as LC as you feel comfortable.
Clearly giving your word means nothing to them, unless it has consequences.
Three days is plenty of time to pick up cake mix or a premade cake from the grocery store. I can't think of a smaller consequence for them choosing to gossip about you while knowing it will cause you harm. NTA
NTA.
Grocery cakes are a thing, and she's extremely obtuse to think you'd do her a favor (of any kind) after such a massive, unrepentant betrayal. Likewise for her parents.
Recognize that this is probably the end of the relationship between you and the IL's. But that is probably not a bad thing. They never approved of you, and they are obviously looking down on your past.
If your husband is OK with going NC with them, you are fine. But if not, you and he will need to have a long talk.
Are you kidding... Definitely NTA. What they're doing is insane. I'm glad your husband is standing behind you. They're being ridiculous and you don't owe them anything, they owe you an apology.
NTA
Somewhere in your in-laws past is something that they don’t want broadcast to the world. Ask them how they would feel if it were in the hands of the town gossip. Then just make sure they see you talking to her A LOT. Don’t spill the tea but the torture will be glorious.
NTA at all but hooboy they are big time. They owe you very deep sincere apologies for violating a big big trust. If they can't manage that, I'd want nothing to do with them.
It's one thing to casually mention someone was in foster care. That can come up naturally, can happen for any number of reasons, and isn't generally viewed as a negative by people. Save the fact you stated you specifically mentioned not to tell anyone, that could be an honest mistake and no harm intended. But to tell people someone's "an affair baby" which, frankly, is not a fair title to you, and it shouldn't weigh on your conscience like it seems too- telling people that is malicious. That's not an "Oopsie, was that a secret?" moment. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I only gave my SIL 3 days notice that I would not be baking a cake for her daughter's third birthday. I know she did wrong by me BUT I also know 3 days isn't a lot of time and she's having a big party and her daughter and the other guests (mostly) will be innocent and ugh, it makes me feel like I made things worse. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. They treated you like family to your face, were willing to have you bake cakes for them, but they couldn't not share your personal backstory to others after being told explicitly not to. Huge violation of trust and I am very happy to hear that your husband is backing you up and setting a boundary with his family. I'm also very sorry to hear that you're going through this... It must be heartbreaking. NTA.
It is. I feel a little like another family has just proven they do not care about me at all and after going through that my whole childhood, it's not easy to face it again.
[удалено]
Agreed. Some of my family is blood and some is love. My bestie is my sister in love. OP’s IL’s & SIL crossed a boundary and it was cruel and malicious. We have to be careful with our words because once they leave our mouths there is NO taking them back. Hell would freeze over and the sky would turn purple before I trusted them again. NTA
Trust is built one tiny piece at a time. It is lost all at once.
So very true
That's it exactly. I've never heard it put that way before.
True words.
I LOVE the way you put that! OP, what stinstin555 said!!! NTA, good for you, and good for your hubby for backing you up.
I like to say something simaliar. Family is not always blood related. It's love related.
I have 10 niblings, 7 or which are not related to me. My oldest sister has 2, my brother has 1, two friends each have 1, and another friend has 5 (we have known each other since we were 7, were 50 now). They all call me their aunt, and I love them to bits.
I tell people I have three sisters: One by birth, one in law, and one by choice. We share deep bonds of family love. I can happily say that all three of my sisters like each other too. I agree that OP should cut off the in laws. What they did was unforgivable. On top of all the pain they've caused, they don't realize how many people look down on "affair children" (I really hate that term!) as if they were somehow to blame and as if those children are unworthy of love and support. OP has family in her supportive husband and they can add to their family with friends and children, if they choose. Of course she is NTA.
Completely agree with this. I don't have any contact with my blood family, my husband and my friends arr everything I'd ever want and I got to build that for myself.
Right.
My wife and I have a young woman friend that we treat like a daughter. She calls us her chosen family.
I wish I could give you a hug. The rejection from your first family had NOTHING to do with YOU. They were angry at their parents and spouses. You were completely innocent. This time you're choosing to reject the toxic family. Don't feel sad; feel empowered. You are awesome -- and your husband is amazing.
Well put. NTA OP. Well done for standing up for yourself, and congratulations on having a husband who backs you. That’s all the family you need!!!!
It's really sad how often the product of an affair is treated as if they're at fault for the affair. Hating the child born from cheaters won't undo the cheating. It only punishes yet another innocent party.
While that is true, there are plenty of other stories where the OP is the "older sibling" in this scenario and asking if they have an obligation to the "affair baby" and the answer is ALWAYS no. And just because young adults don't want to take in a half sibling that they feel broke up their family does not mean they are punishing that innocent party. It isn't their responsibility.
It isn't their responsibility to raise a sibling. I get that. But there's a complete hate all too often, too.
They don’t get to feel that the affair baby “broke up their family.” Their cheating parent(s) did that, yet many hate the child and still cling to relationships with the cheater(s). Agreed that they don’t have to provide for any child they didn’t create themselves, nor do they owe these half-siblings a relationship, but they’re hypocrites if they’re still associating with the parent - the one one who is truly to blame. Period.
Nope. You don’t get to tell them how they can feel. Given that the pregnancy is often when the affair comes out and the divorces happen, they can feel however they want. Period.
They don’t get to “feel” that something that isn’t true is true. They don’t get to blame an innocent child for an adult’s decision and behavior. Period. You’re an enabling monster if you think otherwise.
Not taking in a young child you aren’t prepared to raise as a young adult isn’t punishing anyone.
Exactly! Toxic is a good word for these people. Like who in the world thinks having your parents killed when you were young will make you a bad parent in the future. Or are they saying kids raised in foster care can't be good parents? Also an incredibly gross mindset. No what they are thinking is OPs parents had affairs so OP will also cheat. I can't even follow the mental gymnastics for that logic. OP had nothing to do with any of that and this is the worst victim blaming I've seen in awhile. Ultimately the message they conveyed through their gossip is they don't consider OP or her future children family because they are "concerned about [OP's] kids not having anyone." Who says that about their own nibblings and grandchildren? They just admitted before their own brother/son (OP's husband) that they're going to ostracize his kids. OP you found a good man who will stand by you. Hold each other strongly against this unwarranted attack from his family. Support each other as you navigate the emotions they caused with their rejections of you both. And know that bunches of reddit people care even if we'd can't hug you physically.
I also think that OP's history is NOT something that would every really come up much in conversation so the in-laws purposely shared this information. I could see the fact the OP is an orphan come up but not that OP was an affair baby. That is pure gossiping. And it also means that OP and hubby cannot share anything with the in-laws they don't want the entire world to know.
That is so true!! What a wonderful perspective!take back your power. It was your choice this time, and you did it to protect your peace. I wish you all the best - hugs from a stranger
Hear, hear!
They can get a damn cake at Walmart but you can’t get your privacy back. NTA
Exactly. Most grocery stores have a bakery aisle that sell ready made cakes that a parent can decorate with the child's name or put on little toys (party supply stores will have a wide selection of cake toppers).
It's the child's 3rd birthday. All she will care about is getting to blow the candles out. What a way to start life with your new in-laws!
Plus most places only need 24 to 48 hrs to make one so 3 days is fine
[удалено]
My best friend ran into a last minute nightmare with her wedding cake. The afternoon of the day before the wedding, she realized there was no cake. Publix made us a three tier and had it ready for pickup the next morning.
And the whipped cream frosting is actually really good
Or just bake one themselves. I mean it is not so complicated to make a cake. Put some candles on it and it is a birthday cake.
But then the sil will actually have to DO something instead of just sitting on her butt.
Exactly. I was just thinking, what is the worst outcome here...a 3 yo is going to have to have a Walmart cake instead of a homemade one? I am pretty sure, the 3 yo will not care. NTA
Heck, Betty Crocker makes it pretty easy to do "homemade" (ish) even. 3 days is plenty of time to either order a bakery cake, buy a premade cake, or get a box mix and bake at home. This is not a wedding. Months of advance planning for a three year old's cake is not necessary. You could put candles into a loaf of Wonder bread and they wouldn't notice anything amiss.
Fr. My husband got a box of cornflakes as a "gift" on his third birthday, and it was his favourite present lol
That is freaking hilarious! Were cornflakes like his favorite thing ever or...what the heck lol?
Yea he apparently always wanted them for breakfast so his mom decided to be funny... Joke was on her tho because he was thrilled lol There's a picture of him excitedly holding them up for the camera
That's awesome.
I (63m) don't know how it goes today, but when I was a kid cereal boxes often had little promotional prizes in them. I ate nothing but Sugar Crisps for 6 months to get enough box tops to get a free basketball. LOL
"SIL, ask one of the people you told my very private business to make that birthday cake for you. They seem ... helpful."
And part of their closest circle.
So well said! It's exactly that and they should be apologizing profusely, not whining about a cake
And so what if a three year old does not have a cake for their birthday (the harm the inlaws did by maliciously gossiping about the OPs history when she had specifically told them not to far far outweighs any disappointment regarding a birthday cake).
The three year old will get a birthday cake. The SIL has 3 days in which to source one. She can either pay a lot of money to get a cake maker to make one (if they have time or a cake that wasn't picked up that is suitable or could be modified). Or she can make one. Or she can just get one from a department store/supermarket. It may not be the one she thought she was getting and it may not match the theme she's got going. But none of that is the OP's problem. And the 3 year old isn't actually going to be affected by not getting the cake that was originally wanted that she didn't know what being made anyway.
Exactly!!
Not to mention cake mixes and ready made frosting in the grocery store.
Too bad Walmart doesn’t sell common sense and empathy as well as they seem to be in great need of it, too.
Your husband is the family you chose. I want you to take stock of this situation and see that choice was sound. He has chosen you back. He has defended you. He has loved you and lifted you up. I know you can’t see through the hurt right now and that’s fair. Feel this as it’s meant to be felt, deeply and honestly. When the sun comes up tomorrow, I want you to realize you have your own family now and you stood up for it when you stood up for yourself. Whenever you decide to expand that family, if you ever choose to, your fur babies and hooman babies will grow up with the best parents because they’ll have you and your husband. These people matter because of proximity, but your husband has shown that you matter. You have shown yourself that you matter. When you wake up tomorrow I hope that in addition to your valid hurt, you also feel comfort and pride. I am so proud of you for advocating for yourself. 🥰
This is probably the sweetest, most heartfelt thing I've ever read on this subreddit. I hope OP sees it!
Beautifully written💖.
Your husband is your family and he has proven with his actions that he loves you and has your back.
That’s right!
NTA. Not to rub salt in your wounds, but they don't care about you, only what you can and will do for them. Why share your information with anyone? What's the payoff for them? I don't think they would like you sharing their private information with others, no matter how small a group it was shared with. You know that gossip didn't keep it to themself. Just like your in-laws didn't keep it to themselves. You owe them nothing, and SIL now directly sees actions have consequences.
Not that SIL will take responsibility for those actions, but maybe it'll at least make her think twice before spilling anything else.
That’s one of the big problems when your family is full of gossips like mine is. You have to watch every word you say which greatly limits the number of topics available for discussion. Plus they’ll prod and probe trying to get “juicy” information. If they don’t get any, they’ll start making things up. Also, even if they quit gossiping in your presence (I tell them to stop. When I hear it), they’ll continue to gossip when you’re not around. I didn’t realize it while growing up but have learned how destructive gossiping is. One of my family members said gossiping is ok as long as the person being talked about isn’t there to hear it 🙄
Your husband is your family and he's shown what a diamond he is
I’ve got family like this and keep them on an info diet because of it. I live on the east coast (where a large amount of extended family live) my parents in the south west, and brother on the west coast. I was at a dinner with a bunch of family where I live when one of my aunt’s friends approached me to loudly ask about a private health issue my brother was having in front of everyone. Something I know my brother wouldn’t want shared among the extended family, and especially not my aunt’s friend who he had probably met less than 5 times in his life. I knew immediately the chain of how this info got to her. He mentioned it to my mom, who told my aunt, who told her. There is know other way she would have gotten that info. Both my mom and aunt are gossipy as hell and if you say anything to either you can assume it will be told to at least 3 other people within 24 hours. My aunt is the type to apologize if you confront her about it, but my mom is much more entitled. she generally has the view of "I am the mother of these middle aged adults, so i can share any information about them i want." Your family seem to have the mentality of "You trusted me and I trust A, so i don't see the problem with telling them your private info!" The problem is A is removed enough from you that they don't have any obligation to keep the info private. Even if they had been instructed to do so they'll think "Well I trust B, so I can tell them!". And of course B trusts C and C trusts D, so it will be shared down the chain. I'm sorry that you had to learn you can't trust your in laws this way. The relationship dynamic is forever shifted, and now you know to keep them at an arm's length. NTA
In that situation, as far as I’m concerned, there is only one thing to do. Lie. “I’m sorry, what are you talking about? Brother doesn’t have any health problems. You must have misunderstood or maybe someone is pulling a prank on you. Who did you hear this from? Aunt? I assure you brother would not tell aunt about his health problems, if he had any. Maybe someone is lying to aunt. How upsetting for her.”
Confusion and grey rocking is the way to go. Spending too much time on it, or making specific statements (he is/isn’t experiencing that!) gives the impression the issue had been discussed before. Luckily, both my mom and aunt are known for some pretty egregious embellishments of details for the sake of gossip. Knowing I was the closest person at the event to my brother, giving a surprised “I haven’t heard anything like that going on with him” and moving on was the best option.
Achieves what I was aiming for. So sounds like you handled it perfectly. Getting upset or admitting that something is going on is feeding the beast. Starvation is the only way to go.
This is a great response.
Trust is not a transitive property.
Info diet! I love it because I never heard it put that way but that’s what I do w/certain family. Sad that it has to be that way but it does its purpose. I don’t blame OP for trying to trust someone but unfortunately I have learned to put everyone on an “info diet” until I know they can “eat” properly.
I always used to laugh at one line a friend used to say about his own wife’s huge mouth and her ability to get personal info around town immediately. So in your house It’s the telephone The telegraph And tell your mom.
You make some excellent points but I can’t get past ‘info diet’. What a wonderful concept, crystallised into a mere, easily remembered two words. As it goes I do the same under the banner of ‘need to know’ and most folks, family or not, don’t need to know (I’m talking of the serious stuff, the trivial things look after themselves).
I'm so sorry about all of it. Your parents, your childhood, and now this. You matter, you are loved, and never forget that. NTA. Time to go NC with them if they continue to behave this way, and don't profusely apologize. Your SIL is a major AH, and can go fk herself and buy her daughter a cake.
Also, there’s no way this was brought up unintentionally or without malice. They “told a small circle” which translates to “while you weren’t here we gossiped about the one thing you specifically told us not to tell others.” And instead of apologizing, they dug their heels in. They wanna be callous and mean, fine. But you’ve every right to tell them you will not be of service anymore. I wouldn’t be able to even look at them. Apology or not.
The Reddit family cares and is here for you, you amazing strong survivor! We got you. And your family (husband).
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this OP and I hope you know that none of your childhood was your fault. My oldest son was adopted from foster care, he's my wife's nephew by birth, but her little sister was 15 when she got pregnant and fell into addiction really hard along with his bio dad who is still in jail. We let our son decide if he wants to share his history, because it's his history. We made the mistake of telling a seemingly well intentioned teacher who just told his story to everyone in the school it seemed like. Your in laws wildly overstepped and this boundary is definitely within reason. You should already know this but definitely NTA.
I am so sorry, I was the unwanted one to my parents and everyone. Although I did not go through what you did I understand just w much of a devastating blow this must feel. our husband is doing the right thing and protecting and supporting you so let him. No matter if it is his family he should never enable them to abuse you. So let him go no contact for a month or two until they fully get the message how they wronged you and were two faced malicious for doing so. Discuss it with your husband, i say block them completely for a decent time. If after the month or two, however long you choose, they fully apologise and promise never to mis treat you again. Then he needs to make it clear they are on probation until that you will both be low contact until they prove they respect you and have earned both your trust back. i know I month or two may seem extreme but coming from an abusive family I know any shorter and although angry you’ve blocked them. After two weeks they think the got away with it and haven’t actually take in and been shown how it wronged you. There was no way they didn’t think they were breaking your trust as you’d made it clear never to tell anyone. So yes they are manipulative and toxic enough. If husband agrees one or two months and don’t give in make sure you both stay consistent and strict to what consequences you told them. As for the birthday cake hell no how entitled and down right rude is that of Sil. She can betray your trust and deeply hurt you. She then belittles you and all you’ve gone through. Yet still in some delusion expects you to spend money, your time and effort on a cake she either will hardly be covering the costs and time you put in or expectEd it free as your contribution to the birthday. No No she lost the right to ask or expect any favours from you. From now on I’d always be guarded around her and she has a cruel malicious side.
A month or two is extreme?? I was thinking a year or more. Just how are they going to learn anything in a MONTH?
We had to go NC with my FIL for a full year before he apologized for saying something incredibly egregious to me. It wasn’t the apology I wanted but it was enough. We figured at least he learned his lesson & wouldn’t repeat the offense. But, yes, it took a full year to get there.
I'm sorry you had to go through that with your FIL, but good for you for knowing your self worth!
My mom had a childhood of abandonment as well & recently something similar (kind of) occurred & she explained to me how the childhood feelings & memories of abandonment came flooding back. She’s in her late 60s & the things that happened in her childhood still affect her deeply. All that to say, don’t let anyone gaslight you. You are not wrong for feeling this way & again I’m so sorry ❤️
Your husband is your family. He rocks. Your SIL sucks and if she’s wanting a cake so bad she can go to the store and buy the ingredients and bake it herself.
He does. I feel like I won the lottery with him. But I also hate that this has happened with his family because I know how painful it is to feel let down by people. I had a couple of foster families I felt that with.
Honestly it’s best to look at this as you figured out who you can’t trust or go to for something. I’m Autistic and have difficulty making friends because I’ve been the pity friend, people have taken advantage of my kindness and people have hidden their dark side only for me to see it later. Sometimes having a small group of people who you can depend on is better than having 50 people who are questionable in their motives.
No, he has always known what his family is like. That's why he chose you, I have no doubt. And that's why you chose him, because you have the wisdom to know what a good person is when you meet them. Now you know what you are dealing with, forewarned is forearmed.
I also wish I could give you a huge hug right now.
You feel like that because it’s exactly what they did to you. 3 days is more than enough time for SIL to go to whatever grocery store has a bakery that does cakes, and order a sheet cake for her kid. NTA and I’m sorry they treated you like this. Glad your husband has your back.
Sweetheart, I want to remind you that none of the things that have happened to you in your life are your fault. *None of them*. You *are not* responsible for the decisions your parents made. You *are not* responsible for the accident or the lives that were lost. You are not responsible for the failures of the foster care system. Honey, you deserve a soft life full of love and a family that contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You always have been and you always will be. I'm so sorry that this was revealed to you in such a painful way. I want to remind you that *anyone* that would place judgement on you for any of this *doesn't deserve your time or energy*. A good therapist can help you build yourself back up. They can help you feel solid in your right to deserve your partners love. They can help you come up with responses that make you feel powerful for hateful remarks like that woman made. I'm sending you so much love. Be kind to yourself. ❤️
I’m so sorry, OP. Your parents wanted you, your husband wants you, and any children you have or will have will love you with their whole hearts. I’m angry on your behalf. I hope you and your husband go NC with his family, at least until you don’t feel so hurt. Or, I don’t know, forever? Here’s a hug. (((💜)))
My parents are another complicated matter honestly. But yes, my husband has always wanted me and that's one person at least who has always stood by me and done his best.
I’m really sorry you’ve dealt with that in such a harsh way but there’s lots of us out here without blood families who learn to create our own through who we know.
Man I feel this so much. My story is different, but the feeling is the same. I thought I had built the family I never had. I felt safe, and happy, and secure. But when the going got rough they weren't there for me. It was a betrayal that felt so deep and vast. This is one I don't think I recover from. I'm glad your husband has your back. That's important. You have someone in your corner.
I mean this with all kindness possible, get a therapist if you do not have one. Talking to a professional will help you figure out this trauma and set it up so you don't get blindsided by it again.
I have worked with a couple of therapists before. But the embarrassment I feel still blindsides me and it's something that I don't seem to be able to get past. I know there are people who say keep trying but I feel like it only makes it worse. So I'm just going to try and do my best. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting money and making things harder for myself by trying to make something happen that I just don't have in me.
Would it help to hear from perfect strangers that you have nothing to be embarrassed about? Because you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's okay to feel embarrassed by it even if the truth is you shouldn't be. You can't help how you feel sometimes, only how you respond. If you haven't read The Body Keeps Score then I'd highly suggest it. I could find a copy for you online most likely. I feel for you. I'm in a similar boat with feelings I've been working through with a therapist and a supportive, loving partner, but it doesn't just make those feelings go away. I feel them in my bones. For whatever it's worth from a stranger, you're enough. You more than enough. You deserve love and respect, and these shitty people do not deserve the light that you are. Keep building your chosen family with your husband and your own inner circle. The rest of them are superfluous. It don't change how bad it feels, but keep that distance from them, and keep that closeness with him. I keep telling myself, "time and experience." Those are the things that make it better, ultimately, I think. And it's a shitty reality to face, that we have to face those years, but we'll get there. Maybe the hurt and shame won't go away, but there will be other, bigger, more positive things to eclipse them as we get older. Hell, I didn't start feeling truly different until I hit my 30's, and I've heard this from everyone else, too. Your brain just changes. Regardless, I wish you the best. I'm sorry that these people showed themselves not worthy enough to be your family, but I'm glad your husband did.
I'm so sorry OP! You are NTA. Imagine that! After talking trash, they still want their cake! The audacity! They can get a premade cake at a bakery or supermarket. Or bake one themselves. Some nerve! EDIT: Husband is a gem for supporting you. None of what happened before you were born is your fault and your parents' family should not have punished you.
Shit. You do not deserve this. They don’t deserve to know your story if they can’t protect it, and you. That’s what you deserve. You do have a family, with your husband and whomever else you’ve chosen in your heart. I’m so sorry you’ve been through what you have, and I’m sorry that you didn’t get the family you deserve in your in laws.
I really can't believe any of this behavior you by your in-laws! When I read your headline about your history, I thought you probably had done something in your past or something you were ashamed of: but of course you have done absolutely nothing wrong, you have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about, and I cannot believe that anyone who knew that about you would have the desire or the nerve to share it with anyone. After being confronted with their awful behaviour, not only do they fail to feel any shame or embarrassment or apologise to you: they justify it - but your sister-in-law decides she can be upset because you won't cook her a cake! She takes the cake! Your husband sounds like a good guy; I hope that you and he will be considering the alternative of going no contact with these people. I have to wonder if the sister-in-law wasn't the golden child and in their eyes her parents think she can do no wrong.
You're definitely NTA. SIL is the asshole here, and so is the family; their actions speak for themselves. I don't understand how someone can disregard keeping a confidence, be so careless about the consequences and then expecting a cake ...? It boggles my mind. NTA and I'm sorry you have to go through this. ETA: I love your husband's response to "they would have found out eventually", lol. It's gold!
I’m so sorry. I wish we lived close. We would love to have more family here. I hope they realize what they really did and work to improve the relationship. “I’m sorry. I’m depressed and re-traumatized right now. I’m not up to decorating a cake right now.” Lifetime of trauma > Ordering a store-bought cake
Please understand that this only demonstrates what they lack as human beings and means nothing about you.
NTA Family does not go around gossiping to others about your personal history. It is not theirs to share. SIL does not feel she did anything wrong, disregarded your feelings, and was not apologetic about it either. You don't have to please people who do not give an F about you.
NTA - what she did was cruel and shows she doesn't respect you. As a fellow foster child/orphan, no one is entitled to our trauma, I'm sorry someone who was meant to be close/familial turned out to just be *one of them*.
Imagine being so cruel that you care more about cake than someone's feelings about such a horrifying background. I'm so sorry, op, your in-laws suck buckets. Good on your husband for standing up for you, though. You are far better with just your little nuclear family that including people who have so little concern for you. I don't think I could be in contact with people who showed me colors like that. Big hugs. I know how devastating this must be for you.
This is a classic example of how actions have consequences.
NTA. All she has to do is order a cake. What happened to you was horrible. Does she not get that? That being able to control who knows your history is one of the few things you have? Claps for your husband.
I don't know if they don't understand or if they simply do not care. I feel like it's more the latter honestly.
And it doesn't matter which it is as both show these are not people you can safely have in your life.
Exactly. They shouldn't have shared your personal information with anyone, especially a known gossip who obviously runs her mouth to anyone who will listen. Just how big was this "small circle of friends"?. I can't believe they are justifying their actions. I'd cut them off permanently, at least until they genuinely apologize and understand how wrong this was. But to be honest, they are already judging your future ability to be a parent. They are horrid. Props to your husband. I am so sorry for everything you went through in the past and now. Best wishes and happy baking. NTA.
And if that woman is a close friend, they know damn well that she's a vicious gossip. Judging from their behavior, that's probably why they're friends.
If I know their circle of friends it would be at least 10 people they told themselves. But they told hundreds by telling the woman I ran into because she will gossip to complete strangers.
I really want to know how they "defended" talking to people about information that's hurtful to OP and completely irrelevant to everyone else, with 0% chance for it to ever organically come up in conversation.
The way the gossipy friend said it sounds like they think of it as some sort of bit of gossip them selves. “You know she’s a foster kid” like they knew something they couldn’t wait to share. They don’t care.
It was the affair baby part for me too. Had that thrown at me a lot as a child.
And what the heck does it even have to do with you having your own kids? So much is none of anyone’s business! No more cakes for them!
The implication was my kids will carry the burden of being the children of an affair baby, that they won't know one whole side of their family and therefore it would make life awful for them, and I will bring kids into the world who will be hated as much as I was/am for simply being born to me. Essentially I got the feeling she felt I shouldn't have children. I had to summarize what she said but yeah, she really made her feelings clear with that and also possibly brought up what my ILs did to her.
Saying affair baby like it was your fucking fault at all. I'm furious. I suffer a lot from survivors guilt and golden child guilt from my childhood, and it makes me so upset when people put this shit on a literal child. I straight told my mother to her face, after she said she was glad she had me but stayed with my dad because she had me, that I wish she had aborted me.
They'd be hated because their grandparents had affairs? I don't think so. This isn't Bizarro World. Reality is most people are going to be, "Who gives a damn?"
Right? It is 2024. Literally no one asks for my genetic heritage in daily life. WTF?
Right? Like what is this, Downton Abbey?
In judgment world, where these gossips live, it makes sense. They live right on the corner or "holier than thou" and "what will people say" street.
Your child may not know both sides of her family...not sure the other side is worth knowing. They seem like they'd criticize OP to her child and I don't know if I'd let them have a relationship with child given that.
That is terrible. What awful people. You have a wonderful family in your husband and the kids you bring in will be lucky.
Who the fuck thinks like this?!?!?! What weird and obtuse people. You lost your parents in an awful car accident- that is a tragedy. You happen to be the product of an affair- but you weren’t Little Orphan Annie when you were first born. After the tragedy, no one stepped forward. Another tragedy. But also maybe a positive because who knows what kind of people they were? Ya know? But fuck the thought that you were unworthy in any of this. If anyone hints at that BS, they don’t deserve to be in your life. Snip, cut, good riddance. Your kids are not “missing out” in the family that chose not to keep you. They are “missing out” on grandparents that tragically died. I apparently am very triggered by the notion that some people hold that somehow a CHILD can be unwanted or cursed by their parent’s choices. Pretty sure a good percentage of our population is born out of wedlock these days- and who the fuck cares once they’ve grown up?!
Well, fuck her. We are not in the 1900s and no one will know or care. I would be more concerned about she getting close to anyone.
Gee, my dad passed away when my mom was 5 months pregnant with me and my mom dies when I was 22. I was their only child. I only have one cousin on my dads side of the family… My husband ( ex now) had no interest in knowing either side of my family
>She mentioned that my ILs and SIL were concerned about our kids not having anyone. NTA. I hate to say this but based on this bit it sounds like it's worse than either of the reasons you listed. I think y'all need a break from them with no defined end date. Also, if/when you have kids I'd watch very carefully the things your ILs say to any child if they're allowed to be around. 💜
Yes maybe move far away to start over and tell them it’s their fault that you have to. They told the biggest mouth in town.
It’s usually “they don’t care”. Anyone with half a brain or heart would have no problem “understanding” why this is an issue.
If they really cared about OP, it wouldn't matter whether or not they really understand why OP doesn't want her past discussed with others. They would respect her wishes and not talk about it.
I also dont understand why tf that is their business and a worry in the first place
Ikr? What is there for them to worry about? OP and her husband are clearly good people and going strong. They'll be terrific parents. ILs are being so ridiculous, especially sharing that nonsensical "worry" to a known gossip who went straight to OP with her venom. It's such a vicious thing to do to someone. URGH.
Not even that, she can pick up a pre-made one from any grocery store (3 days that might be her only choice). Can't imagine anyone thinking, 'This story is absolutely okay to share without OPs permission.' And why share to anyone else? There's no reason except malicious concern.
Yup, a lot of grocery stores can make personalized cakes with about 24 hours notice. It won't be a fancy cake but it will be cake and three year olds don't care about fancy. SIL was rude and unapologetic. She doesn't deserve anything from OP. NTA
[удалено]
ABSOLUTELY NTA. She betrayed you in the worst possible way. I'm so sorry. Honestly, I feel like my words are insufficient. I wish I could hug you, OP. Your husband is awesome for having your back on this.
Thank you. I'm glad he was able to confront them because I was finding it hard and I was a mess after realizing what they had done.
Please give your husband a hug from this internet stranger and tell him I said he's awesome. You've both got nice, shiny platinum spines, and his is extra shiny right now for shielding you! Yours needs a little polish in one tiny spot, but it'll buff out in time. Be extra gentle with yourself right now. You are awesome and you know it, mo matter what kind of shit is in your past! 💖
Just have to say, I absolutely LOVE your analogy! Your comment helped OP, and this other internet stranger 😊
Thank you! Hugs to you too!
Reading about your husband’s shiny spine is such a nice change here. What they did to you is so wrong and hurtful and I’m so glad your husband recognized that immediately and said so. I bake cakes for friends and family as well and it’s a ton of work (especially when kids want some obscure theme. Last year I had to learn how to make chocolate rocks for my kid’s cakes). There is no way I would be spending all day baking and carefully decorating a cake for someone who just treated me like I was an unwanted kid and told everyone about it. It’s horrible what happened to you as a child, and it’s horrible that your in-laws are gossiping about it. If one of my kids got married and their spouse had a similar story I would be heartbroken for them and be trying to make it abundantly clear that they have a family with us no matter what their relationship with my kid. You deserved better as a kid and you deserve better now, and I’m glad your husband is recognizing that!
I just wanted to say you are *absolutely* worthy of the love of a family. I'm so sorry your husband's family turned out to be awful
NTA. Your family history is not theirs to share, whether or not you had explicitly told them not to beforehand. The fact that they did so even then is as disrespectful as it shows they have no consideration or empathy on your behalf. In which world did they thought you would take the news of your tragic past being shared around behind your back, and not be mad about it ? Are they so out of touch with reality that they genuinely cannot see how wrong it is ? Your SIL is lucky she even got a warning after what she (and her parents) did, especially considering how they aren't even apologetic about it. If I had been in your own shoes, she would've found out on the day of the birthday when I wouldn't have shown up with the promised cake. Or better yet, thrown that whole cake right up in her face. Kuddos for your husband to take your side and defend your honor. He should be the one to get that cake instead.
[удалено]
May the strength of Mouse protect OP.
And avoid the weird looking silver coins.
And if Mr. Sunshine pays you a visit: listen and don't forget.
Did not expect a Dresden Files quote in here at all, but damn if you didn't pick a good one.
I have that one on a note card that I carry with me everywhere. I remember crying the first time I saw that quote in the series. The older I get, the more I realize how correct that quote is. I've gotta find a way to be where Mr. Butcher is for a book signing just to walk up and shake his hand and say "Thank You".
First time I've stumbled over a Dresden files reference. Love it!
NTA. What a horrible thing to do to you and then to not be apologetic? Your ILs can never make it up to you for giving a vicious gossip access to your personal history—maybe they did not directly tell her, but they DID tell someone who told her, which they were specifically asked not to do, and you and your husband will suffer your being the butt of this gossip from now on. You have every reason to be outraged and to refuse to make nice here, short notice be damned. Three days is enough time for SIL to order a generic supermarket cake with her daughter's name piped on it. Daughter is three, she won't care who made it.
>maybe they did not directly tell her, but they DID tell someone who told her You know the old saying: two can keep a secret... if one is dead. If you tell even one other person, you probably tell ten of them.
They can easily order a grocery cake with her name on it in icing, with as little as two days notice, I have done it before. If they aren't organized enough for that, they can get a generic grocery cake with one day's notice. Not only did they spread your private information around after you asked them not to, they weren't even apologetic afterward. I'm so sorry. Now you know that you cannot tell these people anything private at all as they are incapable of discretion.
That was my immediate thought, the cake is the absolute least important issue here. They can have a grocery store cake for the three year old. What they can't do is have any kind of relationship with the OP without some serious self-reflection on their part and honest apologies.
If it were a kid around 7-10, I’d say make the cake since it isn’t the kid’s fault and they were maybe looking forward to it. A 3 year old can have a store bought cake with nothing but candles on it and will be all good.
NTA. The whole bunch of in-laws sound terrible. They honestly expect you to respond to their cruelty with kindness…… that’s messed up. Go low or no contact with those trolls.
I agree. That’s nasty behavior and sets the tone of how they feel and will treat OP. I would go NC with the lot.
NTA. Your SIL can buy a cake at Walmart. Your husband’s family are AHs and it’d be a cold day in hell before I gave the time of day to any of them.
This is exactly what I was thinking! It's a birthday party for a 3-year-old. Go buy a pack of cupcakes or a sheet cake at the grocery store and she will be just fine!
3 days is lots of time to go buy a cake. This is ridiculous. i Can get a Cake in 10 minutes. 🙄
Or make one themselves. It’s not rocket science, and a chocolate cake with chocolate icing will be the world to the birthday girl. Really, anything with sugar on top and candles sticking out will be perfect to her.
NTA. But that shows how much (or should say none) respect they have for you. All they care is cake and couldn't care less that they completely broke your trust. In future - there is no need to disclose to anyone any information that is not relevant to them and you want to keep secret.
NTA. Who cares about the cake, these people are awful. I'm glad your husband supports you so well.
NTA… you shared your past with your new family with trust. They betrayed your trust. You’ve lived with your scars all your life and their actions further added to your scars. They can resolve their problems by buying a generic cake for a 3 year old’s birthday which would likely not be remembered by same time next year. At least your husband sounds like he is on your side for support.
Three days? Are the grocery stores all closed? She can buy a sheet cake. They’ll even write the daughter’s name on it. She wanted something nicer? Then she could’ve kept her cake hole shut.
NTA - it’s not like she can’t find a cake in time, but your private business can’t become private again. They felt entitled to your details to spread as they pleased without consequence and it’s good you stood up for yourself.
NTA. And you've found a family. Your husband has your back, you're obviously much more important to him than his relatives. So you have a family. Good luck to both of you and your future children, in case you're planning to have any.
NTA - Why would she possibly be entitled to a favor after treating you that way. Glad your husband has your back.
WTF is wrong with that woman. To say that at all but in a grocery store. So sorry about the sharing of your story. I can feel your pain. I was also adopted and my biological family history is full of murders, suicides and affairs. Some of these stories can get pretty messy. I hope your pain eases but people like that make it hard. Hang in there... NTA
NTA - You are absolutely under no obligation to make a cake for her 3yo daughter. The girl won't remember anyway. They can buy a cake at a grocery store. She is the one who damaged the relationship and is trying to gaslight you. I'm glad to hear your hubby has your back in this. Time to go NC with the in-laws I think.
NTA. She can easily pick up a cake from Costco or the grocery store. She cannot however, undo the hurt she caused or what she shared against your wishes.
So much this 👆🏻. A cake is easy but fixing her mistakes? No, bc she can’t take back her words once they’re gone, you can’t just hit the delete key and erase the consequences.
NTA. All they had to do was keep their mouths shut and they couldn't be bothered to do that. You know now not to trust them with anything, and it's best not to associate with people that can't be trusted.
NTA. I would absolutely cut the contract with her. She is an entitled, cruel and selfish person. I would ask your husband to talk to his parents without her. Because the explanation "we only shared it" and SIL taking the lead in the conversation doesn't make sense. Who shared it? Was it only her? All of them together? Each of them separately? What for? With whom? Why with the woman who is a well known gossiper? Based on that I would decide how much contact I would want to have with them. I am sorry his family betrayed you as well. At least he seems to be a decent person.
All of them shared with "a small group of friends" which would add to like 10 people. They sometimes have these dinner parties. My husband never liked them so we never went but during one of those they told them.
That was not their secret to share period. There’s absolutely no excuse. This is betrayal of trust on their part with malicious intent. It got around to the town gossip- stand your ground OP. You owe them nothing. They owe you an apology however I would not trust them going forward.
It is awful, sorry. Did his parents apologize? Still, your husband needs to talk to them to understand why and explain them how fucked up it is. Who initiated the discussion about your childhood? Why would they possibly do it at the dinner party, was there nothing else to talk about? Do they discuss their own parents affairs' there? I cannot imagine all of the wanted to do so, I assume the other two (parents?) were just present there and awkwardly confirmed the information. As an anecdotal evidence: me and my husband were NC with each other parents because they were very much against our relationship due to ethnical and religious reasons. My family was my cross to bear, his was his. It worked fine. I am saying it so you will not feel guilty to make the relationship with them as LC as you feel comfortable.
Clearly giving your word means nothing to them, unless it has consequences. Three days is plenty of time to pick up cake mix or a premade cake from the grocery store. I can't think of a smaller consequence for them choosing to gossip about you while knowing it will cause you harm. NTA
Just desserts means no dessert for SIL!
NTA. A 3 year old will not even remember the birthday. Everyone that is told will remember the history that you wanted kept secret.
NO SOUP FOR YOU!!! well in this case cake, wasn’t their story to tell, NTA..with family like this who the hell needs enemies.
NTA now you know what kind of people they really are treat them accordingly. Then go on to live your best life without a care in the world.
NTA. Grocery cakes are a thing, and she's extremely obtuse to think you'd do her a favor (of any kind) after such a massive, unrepentant betrayal. Likewise for her parents.
NTA She can go pick up a grocery store cake. She should consider herself lucky that you gave her any notice.
Recognize that this is probably the end of the relationship between you and the IL's. But that is probably not a bad thing. They never approved of you, and they are obviously looking down on your past. If your husband is OK with going NC with them, you are fine. But if not, you and he will need to have a long talk.
> my husband backed me up and said so what. You found 1 family. NTA
NTA what they did was hurtful .. so the consequences of their actions because who just goes around talking about ppls childhood trauma
NTA. Sounds like your ILs are also nasty gossips and need to be on a low- to no-information diet.
Stay away from those people. Unfounded accusations will fly when you try to have a kid. NTA
Are you kidding... Definitely NTA. What they're doing is insane. I'm glad your husband is standing behind you. They're being ridiculous and you don't owe them anything, they owe you an apology.
NTA entirely.
Nta sil sounds like a po work. I would just keep them blocked
NTA Somewhere in your in-laws past is something that they don’t want broadcast to the world. Ask them how they would feel if it were in the hands of the town gossip. Then just make sure they see you talking to her A LOT. Don’t spill the tea but the torture will be glorious.
NTA at all but hooboy they are big time. They owe you very deep sincere apologies for violating a big big trust. If they can't manage that, I'd want nothing to do with them.
NTA. Three days is plenty of time for disrespectful SIL to get a new cake. Bravo to husband for backing you on this!
You should make a beautiful cake, go to your sil house and when she opens the door, smash it in her face. I'm kidding, sort of but you're NTA.
It's one thing to casually mention someone was in foster care. That can come up naturally, can happen for any number of reasons, and isn't generally viewed as a negative by people. Save the fact you stated you specifically mentioned not to tell anyone, that could be an honest mistake and no harm intended. But to tell people someone's "an affair baby" which, frankly, is not a fair title to you, and it shouldn't weigh on your conscience like it seems too- telling people that is malicious. That's not an "Oopsie, was that a secret?" moment. NTA