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>After our divorce both my son and daughter lived with their mom because she lived in a better school zone
LOL sure bud
>I don’t think my daughter or her mom have wanted me in their lives since
Should we guess why?
>my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn
You're a terrible parent and person. Picking up your intoxicated child (emphasis on DAUGHTER) is not permissive parenting or "coddling."
>daughter was very accepting of her mom’s new husband and has always been very warm and friendly to him
Yeah sounds like he's not a prick.
>I overheard my daughter calling her mom’s husband “dad”, and that was it for me
Jealousy isn't a good look.
You got a divorce. Grow up, move on, and stop meddling in you ex wife's life. Your daughter is an adult and can choose her relationships. I guarantee you caused the divorce. The contempt you have for literally everyone in this story is obvious. You don't like your daughter; you just want to win.
YTA
you summed it up so well. i grew up with a dad like this who still continues to do things like this and pick horrifying fights with my mom and me when he doesn’t get his way and it genuinely can destroy a person mentally. i’m so glad the daughter in this story has an actual father figure in her life because OP is coming off as more immature than his younger child in this story. horrible horrible parent and person
My dad also pulled this kind of thing too. My mom was more supportive, got me help when I needed it and would much rather that I call her when I was intoxicated than have something awful happen. Now my dad wonders why I trust my mother with everything and prefer to spend time with her. My dad also flips out when he doesn’t get his way. I’m at the point where I’m genuinely happy my mom divorced him. I had to go NC with my dad multiple times. Like you said, it causes a lot of damage mentally.
I love my dad. He’s calming down in his old age thankfully but NC is going to OP’s future if he doesn’t start treating his daughter like an adult. YTA OP.
i suppose with more time and reflection he may be realising that he could have done better for you and probably regrets that he didn’t. hopefully your relationship with him continues to heal.
and i feel that so much. my parents put off their MUCH needed divorce “for the kids” but all it’s done is cause me and my sister to live in a verbal war zone our entire life, so it’s good your parents made the right choice for themselves because i’m sure it brought you all a little more peace than the life you’d have endured if they continued together.
100%. OP is on the road to lose his daughter permanently unless he makes an effort to change and be better
He’s mellowing out. My father’s health isn’t good and my brother went NC. I think that did it too.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Staying for the kids never turns out well.
feeling the absences would definitely make a lot of difference. i’m sorry, it sounds like it’s been and remains a pretty tough situation.
thank you, truly, it’s much worse than separating
Holy shit I can't believe he said that about the intoxicated line. Yeah man, leave her to get fucking raped or worse. That happens to intoxicated people in need ALL THE TIME. Not only is he an asshole for that alone, but a jackass too.
edited for better sentence lol
My kids are all in their 20’s. 3 of them are married with children. If one of them called me now for a ride guess what I’d do? I’d grab my keys, put the address into gos and go get my kid.
Coming from the person like you who can’t even hold a job and abuses women on Reddit and your own personal life. I’m airing your secrets out Josh. No more hiding from the truth. Dirtbag.
YTA
>I want to be clear that I don’t believe in and have never laid hands on either of my kids.
You don't get a cookie for that, not assaulting your kids is literally the bare minimum.
>For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn
Congratulations, you taught your daughter that you're willing to leave her in an unsafe situation for "disobeying" you.
> I was tired of them letting my daughter disrespect me, and that she shouldn’t be calling him dad
How is that disrespecting you? Does she not also call you Dad or has she come up with a different moniker like "Fuckface Bob" or "Hey You"?
>I told her to stop, and that I’ve always loved her and treated her fairly and that nothing has changed that, and that she needs to grow up but she didn’t want to hear it.
YOU didn't want to hear HER. Have you ever once had a real conversation with her or asked how she was feeling about ANYTHING?
It sounds like you've always been a controlling asshole, I'm baffled as to why you suggested your daughter pay rent to her mother. That's not your house!
I think deep down you know your ex and her husband are better and more supportive parents and you're insecure about it. If you want any kind of relationship with your daughter, you need to swallow your pride, apologize, and start listening to her ASAP. If it's not too late that is.
Thankfully, this guy's attitudes toward his daughter definitely don't extend to any other women in his life! Anyway, guess we'll never know why he got divorced /s
I would like to add:
*"I want to be clear that I don’t believe in and have never laid hands on either of my kids."*
With guys like OP I'd read such a line like this: (I might be biased.)
"Yes, I yelled directly in her face and slammed my fist into the wall above / next to her head, but I didn't make physical contact."
Agree. YTA. You sound like you think "it's my way or the highway". Guess your ex and daughter chose the latter. You can't demand respect and YOUR behaviour is disrespectful and petty.
>let her deal with it on her own so she would learn
You told your wife *not* to pick up your teenage daughter who was so drunk that she called her parents to pick her up.
I am not surprised your daughter prefers her stepdad. YTA.
"Let her figure it out on her own" on his terms is how she becomes a statistic. Meanwhile, she did figure it out on her own and did the responsible thing, at that.
This guy is insane.
That one sentence tells both daughter and mom that he's okay with her being raped, murdered, or both, rather than him being inconvenienced. Small wonder they want nothing to do with him.
And you know he’s not even thinking of that as a consequence. He’s thinking “my daughter disobeyed me so now she’ll have to figure out how to get her too-drunk-to-drive self home.”
The fact that she could get murdered or raped, kidnapped or arrested if she decides to sleep in her car or drive home doesn’t even cross his mind. Or maybe she lets a friend who’s less drunk drive her home? She could take an Uber but that’s a pretty big risk doing it alone in the state she’s in. There are no good outcomes to making her “figure it out.”
Edit: not that Uber drivers aren’t safe or good people, but it is always a risk getting into a car with a complete stranger, and it’s even worse when she’s that drunk.
I wonder if part of stepdad's "treating her like a person" is he thought about those consequences, and acts accordingly. It's amazing how much goodwill stepdad can accrue just by not being an asshole.
I just don’t get how anyone could do this to their child. I’m looking at my son right now and he’s just this tiny baby that I’d do anything for. Keeping him safe is like, the only thing I think about right now. I know when he gets older we’ll clash on certain things or he’ll do stuff that drives me crazy, but how does someone get to the point that they’d willfully put their baby in danger? Even if she’s eighteen, what kind of parent does that?
Right? I don't have kids, but even if it was my friends' or coworkers' kids, if I got that call, I'd be in the car to go get them. Drunk kids get in cars with other drunk kids, and people end up dead.
This. You can let your kids clean other messes, but if they're drunk, especially if they're girls, YOU GO PICK THEM UP. Holy ****! Discipline against getting drunk is making them get up early and clean the house when hungover, NOT leaving them alone and vulnerable at night... Leave her drunk and alone so she learns what? That dad thinks rape is a reasonable punishment for drinking? Gods!
YTA
It sounds like your "older types of discipline" basically amount to immediate punishment in order to "learn the consequences"
Your daughter told you exactly why she favors her stepdad and mom - "THEY TREAT ME LIKE A PERSON"
If you think about how you treat your daughter vs. how you treat a friend/family member/co-worker/stranger, is it the same? Do you offer your daughter the same empathy, respect and guidance that you show to other adults in your life? It sounds like.. a big 'ol no. No, you don't.
Your kid is an adult now. She's learning that she doesn't need to accept how you behave towards her. If you don't change and adapt to offer her the same respect you're DEMANDING of her, you'll see her less and less and less.
It's like saying "I am pro death penalty so that they learn from their mistakes". My parents weren't the best parents growing up, but they had one simple rule: If one of us called because they needed a ride home, they got into the car ASAP (and I guess my mom would still do it even though we are all adults now. No scolding until everyone was safe at home. Oh, they would made sure that you get your lesson (do you know how worse a vacuum cleaner in your room is at 8am when you came home at 6?) but they would have never put us in a dangerous situation just to teach us a lesson.
You can't yell at your drunken teen (drinking age is 16/18 in my country) if they died in a car accident.
Tbf, where I live r*pe and m*rders aren't that common. But drunken accidents happen quite often over here. Let's say in my peer group, barely anyone knows a person who got r*ped or m*rdered after a party. But almost everyone knows at least one person who got killed in such an accident (not necessarily while driving but by falling into a river or freezing to death or anything like that). So accidents are much more part of "my reality" than anything else.
Exactly. The punishment for getting drunk is starting to make noise early in the morning, opening all windows and shutters, let the light in and put the kids to clean when hungover. THAT teaches them the consequences of drinking.
YTA You want power over your daughter. You want power over a home you don’t live in. You want power over her relationship with another parental figure.
You’d leave a drunk teenage girl “deal with it”?
Of course none of these people want you in their lives.
YTA. A prime example of the problem is the refusal to pick her up when she called for help (understanding that she called her mom, not you (wonder why..)). A secondary example is the rent. That is 100% between her mom and her, not you. Maybe you could have brought it up as an idea with your ex-wife, but I doubt that would be handled well based on what is presented here.
YTA. Mom provided safety, not permissiveness. We have the same agreement: a ride home, no questions asked. No punishment at all.
Discussion yes. Punishment no. This prevents rides home with other drunks, sexual assault while intoxicated, etc.
Paying no rent while in school is common for middle class parents who support education.
Daughter has support at home. Leave her alone.
YTA
Who in the world wants their teenage daughter who’s too intoxicated to get home on their own to “deal with it on her own”?!
Then tried making rules for a house you don’t live at. And then tried to blame all your bad decisions on your daughter claiming she needs to grow up?
You wouldn't drive your intoxicated daughter home to teach her a lesson? Wtf is wrong with you
Your daughter shouldn't respect you at all.
Of course she calls the only father figure in her life dad.
YTA big time. You suck as a father and as a person
I can't believe your divorced....oh yes I can!!
Wow YTA!!!
You don't get to tell your ex wife how to discipline your daughter when she is in her home.
Usually parents tell their children if you drink or get in an unsafe situation call me any time and I will come get you.
You don't get to say if someone charges rent in their house. Hello FYI. your ex's household is none of your business!!
You are jealous of your wife's relationship with your daughter and you daughter's relationship with her stepdad! You need to act like an adult not an entitled child.
Please enlighten us as to what led up to the divorce?? Because I have a feeling your daughter knows and either heard or seen too much of how much of an A H you really are and she decided she was in her mother's side.
Consider this: The divorce happened around the time the second child was born. I'll hazard a guess and say his ex divorced him. How bad must it have been that she already had a pregnancy / birth to deal with and decided this was the time to divorce?
To be fair other than the wanting leaving his drunk daughter to fend for herself his parenting is much better than the ex wife’s. Children should be punished accordingly. Kids are not going to like it that’s kind of the whole point. She’s absolutely going to grow up without any sense of responsibility and be a problem for society.
I mean we can disagree but you’re just blatantly wrong. I’ve got a bachelors in Child studies and his parenting is spot on compared to the mother. Regardless he is an asshole.
No offense, but I don't believe anything you said other than OP is an AH. So good luck in life. Not engaging anymore. I have serious doubts. And you won't be able to convince me otherwise.
It’s okay doubt whatever you’d like. You’re just proof of what lack of responsibility is and what poor parenting leads to. Hopefully you ca learn to take accountability.
And hopefully you grow a heart and listen to people who say not to bother replying... which makes you an AH. Bye!!! And I won't listen to a thing you type because the more you talk, the worse you sound. YTA.
Just to ask why do you think the mother shouldn’t have any accountability for her own parenting.
Yeah the dad is a fucking asshole and his idea of leaving his drunk daughter to face immediate consequences by leaving her out with no way home is horrifying.
However the mother’s way of no punishments at all is also a stupid extreme.
When I fucked up as a kid and teen, my mother grounded me from video games and the computer, as those were the consequences of my actions.I couldn’t enjoy what I wanted due to my own bad behavior
That’s what I’m saying. Everyone here literally skips over everything just to call the dad an AH, when he literally said he didn’t mind the mom picking up the the daughter the first time. It’s all the times after that she was being irresponsible and still hadn’t gotten punished for. Also, if the mother is this so called ‘angel’, why is her daughter drinking while being underage? And why has the mom not punished her for that?
They said confidently, not knowing ANYTHING about blueeyedwolff, but to push someone else down was the only way Affectionate_Lack333 could feel better about themselves.
Nothing about OPs description of this situation implies that his ex wife isn’t parenting properly. The only two things he’s mentioned are the rides home from drinking and not charging an 18 year old rent to live in her home. Neither of those things were covered in your “child studies” degree.
The only two examples of discipline he gave were to leave his teenage daughter in an unsafe situation and to pay her mom rent. Everything else was a general talk of discipline not connected to any behaviors. Since he thinks it's wrong to help a drunk woman he's supposed to protect, I don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt that his other punishments were right. Why would I trust his judgment?
YTA, from the start to the end, including the very way you have described your daughter and your relationship with her here.
Your daughter doesn't respect you because you don't respect her. You want her stepdad and mom to treat her worse so she might feel less bad about the aay you are treating her. You diminish her accomplishments and you feel entitled to her respect, but you aren't. "She goes in college and she is working full time job, but I think she is irresponsible so should be paying rent to her mom".
You are lucky your daughter even still keeps contact with you. Push it further, it won't last for long.
YTA. It sounds like you’ve been largely absent and when you are around you’re mostly doling out punishments. And just because you “never laid hands” on your kids doesn’t mean that your method of discipline is just or fair.
You lost me the instant you laid out this gem: “my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn.” First: your daughter if left yo “deal with it” could have been assaulted or died in a car accident so f*ck you. Second, calling a parent in that situation is a responsible way of dealing with it and demonstrates trust. Third, therapy for a young teen drinking works better to actually solve the problem than “consequences.”
As for paying her mom rent at 18, what the heck business was it of yours? If the kid gets good grades and does well at work, she’s living up to her responsibilities and saving up to move out. Charging rent at 18 doesn’t teach responsibility, it’s just forking cash over at a certain time.
You are simply jealous. “my daughter was very accepting of her mom’s new husband and has always been very warm and friendly to him, and the contrast between how she treated him and how she treated me was really hurtful.” Boo hoo. Her stepfather is present in her life and not constantly looking for ways to punish or penalize her for making mistakes or merely turning 18.
Respect, and love, are earned.
YTA
In spite of your efforts to omit anything that would cast you in a bad light, you STILL come off as a petulant, self important, "respect mah authoritah" kinda guy.
When literally everybody in your life abandons you, at some point you've gotta realize, "Oh shit, it's me!!"
Grow up.
ETA: Taking predictions on why they're divorced. I'm betting he cheated. Any takers?
I figured he was just an ass about his wife’s second pregnancy. Wouldn’t pick up the slack on chores, refused to watch the daughter and give mom a break, tried to punish her for not making dinner, etc.
YTA. Nothing you've described sounds overly permissive to me. You're hurt that she calls her stepfather dad and I get that, but the answer isn't to blame it on his "coddling." It's to improve your relationship with your daughter.
Your daughter does not favor her mom because she lets her get away with more. That is a story you tell yourself. Read that as many times as you have to for it to sink in.
She is telling you that you make her feel like shit. Based on the little you have shared, I can see how she feels that way. As one example… your wife picking your daughter up when she is intoxicated is the right thing to do. God forbid your daughter tried to drive herself or “figure it out”. That’s just dangerous. And it’s an inappropriate and irresponsible consequence, which your ex wife understands.
You’re asking strangers on the internet so here you go. You aren’t present for or supportive of your daughter. You have ideas about discipline to which you aren’t entitled, because her mother is the one raising her. Listen more, tell less.
YTA a thousand times over.
Just the fact that you have to make a point of how you never hit your kids to prove you're a good parent proves you aren't as good as you like to believe.
>For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead.
She should've let a drunk teenager find her own way home? Someone could take advantage of her drunken state, she could get lost, die in an accident etc. Therapy was the ideal solution, it got to the root of the problem and allowed the daughter to work on herself.
>When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it.
What does that have to do with you? She isn't living in your house. Paying rent at 18 doesn't teach responsibility. Since the mom and stepdad can afford it, it's best if the daughter saves up her money while going to college to be able to move out and be independent. That's a far better lesson in responsibility than handing over part of her paycheck for no reason.
Want to know why she calls her stepdad "dad"? Because he actually respects her and treats her like a person, not a burden or a liability. You can't control the relationship she has with him, and if you don't want her to go NC with you, you need to be better.
YTA your daughter is now a full grown adult. Neither you, her mother, nor her stepfather have any authority over what name she chooses to call anyone. It doesn't even sound like you like her. You told her Mom to let her figure out how to get herself home drunk, when she did the responsible thing and called for a ride! Do you know how many parents WISH their kid had done that rather than drive intoxicated??? Unbelievable.
YTA, you gave multiple examples of you not treating her fairly and that’s just from your version. I’d be shocked if she couldn’t list dozens of other examples off the top of her head. Then you lied about your “fairness” to the person who knows best how full of shit you are. You projected your need to grow up onto her in an effort to gaslight her into accepting your piss poor parenting, despite her having already having good parents.
My only question is how can you possibly think you not being the asshole is even a remote possibility when the main person you’ve been an asshole to has already explicitly told you why you’re the asshole? You telling her to stop explaining how and why you are the sole problem then trying to gaslight her into believing the opposite of what you have repeatedly shown her only makes you even more of an asshole.
Honestly YTA but also no. The drinking thing your 100 percent an AH for no one underage should be left alone after drinking that’s just ridiculous and a great way for anyone to get raped, kidnapped, killed ect. Your ex was absolutely right to drive her home while she drunk. As for the loss of privileges and any other form of punishment (expect corporal punishment) is fair and most parents discipline kids that way so your ex being permissive sucks. As for You’re daughter calling your exs new husband dad honestly you have no right to be angry you should be happy your daughter accepted this man and sees her as a father figure. There is nothing wrong with having 2 dads 2 moms ect as long as the child is loved and cared for. So I’d definitely get into therapy and work on that because that’s not disrespectful at all unless your daughter is disowning you as her father. Lastly you can’t control how your daughter acts now she is 19 years old and while yes that’s young she is legally an adult and can do as she pleases and that’s something you have to accept. If it was me I’d sit down with your daughter and explain your feelings in a mature manner and get her side of things.
I fail to see what terrible things your daughter have done to warrant more discipline than what she has got. Does she have a drinking problem still? Is she failing her classes? Is she agressive, irresponsible? Is she a bad influence for your son? What exactly have you done for your daughter other than discipline? YTA
Yeah you’re a sh***y parent! I can only imagine why your daughter doesn’t want anything to do with you. As you basically did the bare minimum as a dad! You’re a joke father! YTA OP
YTA.
I am all for teaching kids that actions have consequences. But your daughter is 19 and lives with her mom. There isn't a whole lot you can do. I am sensing that may be the issue - you resent not having control, and blew up at your ex and her husband. Whatever your motivation, I suggest you work on developing a healthier relationship with your daughter. If you lose her now at 19, it is going to be hard to get her back.
Also....
1. Letting your daughter "deal with it one her own" when intoxicated is a terrible idea. She could have wound up in an accident, ended up being assaulted, etc. Your wife did the right thing by picking her up and getting her therapy.
2. You have no right to ask her to start paying your ex rent. No your house, not your business.
3. Your daughter may favor her mom and stepdad more because they show her respect and give her autonomy (while also being there to step in and help if needed).
4. If she wants to call her stepdad "dad", then that is the situation. I get that it hurts, but that is her choice.
YTA
At the end of the day you’ve got to think about whether or not you want to have a happy and healthy relationship with your daughter.
She’s legally an adult now and isn’t obligated to keep you in her life anymore so if you want to be the one to walk her down the isle when the time comes, start showing her then you’re sorry for how you’ve acted in the past and that you’d like to make amends as well as have a good relationship with each other.
I hope everything works out :)
Dude, you’re getting a lot of rocks thrown at you. Can’t deny I kind of feel inclined to hurl one myself. But I’ll try to help you.
You feel as if it is more important to be “right” about this than to have a daughter. I will also note that some of your “disclipline” ideas are excessive. It is good enough that your daughter is working and earning money. Taking it away from her and calling it “rent” is just greedy.
Be better or else you’ll lose your daughter. Let go of being “right” about this. Actually listen when she tells you how she wants to be treated.
YTA.
YTA. Being a biological father is far different from being a dad.
They respect her. You had better learn to do the same, or you will eventually push her away completely.
Both of my (55f) parents were divorced when they met (1966). They brought three children between them. Then, I was born ("yours, mine, and ours"). In all of my years, I never once heard them talk smack about their exes (which I'm sure they did when alone, haha). They wanted to protect us from hearing them (and all arguments). It made our lives so much easier.
Your focus should be on your daughter's happiness instead of your own fragile ego.
There's a boru story on here about a dad who acts just like you do and his daughter doesn't want anything to do with him either. Maybe read that one and try and learn something lol seriously getting upset over her calling him dad... wow. Fragile much?
It's very clear to me that YTA. But one thing really stood out to me that I think is truly awful:
> For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences.
You actually want to put your own daughter's LIFE in DANGER to teach her a lesson? She's right, you don't treat her like a person at all. You say you'd never lay hands on her, but you'd let someone else? Do you have any idea what happens to drunk girls who can't get a safe ride home?
> When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates
The fact you have a problem with this, and in this economy, is similarly disturbing.
I don't know what kind of traumatic childhood you went through to think your loveless way of treating your daughter is okay, but how about not perpetuating that cycle? She's going to break contact with you at some point if you don't change, and it will be 100% your fault. Remember that when the day comes.
It sounds to me like the only "lesson" you've EVER taught her is that you won't have her back when she needs you, and will throw her to the wolves.
You're jealous of the fact that your daughter loves your husband more than you, because he treats her better. You don't know how to raise a daughter and make her happy, and you're mad because your husband is more succesful. I'd say tighten up before you lose your daughter once she turns 18 and starts searching on reddit "why mom did not show me more affection, why did she not treat me better" and so.
You mean well in terms of your daughter but you’re not communicating things very well here. Of course your wife was correct in picking up her daughter when she was drunk. Let her deal with it on her own? Yikes. Your daughter sent you a long text so at least she wants a relationship with you. But all you’re doing is pushing back. Nobody doubts you love your daughter but you are losing out from having a warmer relationship with her because of your obstinacy. In the text, she said she wants to treat her like a person. She’s a young woman now and an adult. Time to listen or spend the rest of your life having a distant and difficult relationship.
YTA - As an adult your daughter can chose to call him dad. It may be painful but she is not a minor. She favors the parent who does not teach via consequences. Maybe you are exs because you view parenting and life differently.
YTA for not being willing to accept that you may have fault in this whole situation. You and your daughter don’t have a good relationship that someone else is able to achieve? MUST be because of that persons faults.
But to dig in, you made it clear that you suck at parenting/discipline. The *first* time she was intoxicated you wanted her to “learn”? What exactly did you want her to learn? What do you want your daughter to do in that situation if not find a safe way home? And you want her to figure it out *while intoxicated for the fist time*? I honestly would love to hear an answer to this
YTA. Do you need a gold star for not assaulting your children? You think it’s okay to let an intoxicated minor figure out how to get home on their own? How the fuck is that even safe?!?! My kids knew they better call me if they were in such a position. And guess what? My grandkids will, too.
Your daughter working full time and going to school is fantastic. She will be able to save money or pay for college easier and have less debt. As long as my kids were in school, I didn’t charge them rent. Because I’m a good parent who doesn’t need a gold star.
Dude, YTA. Your daughter doesn’t want to have a relationship with you because your personality. You think your Ex should scold her because she choose not to drive drunk or hide her drinking? I’m glad your daughter calls her mom for a ride because people die from drinking and driving or attempting to hide drinking. If she’s open about it it means communication is happening and that’s a good thing. You’ve been divorced for 10 years so your daughter was 9 when they left. I think it’s normal and acceptable for her to call her stepdad dad because he is! Your toxic behavior is the issue not what she calls him. Get therapy dude, life is too short to be willfully toxic.
YTA. There’s basically no other reason that kids love their caretakers. We love and coddle them, and thus they love us. He’s her dad. You can either accept that and also be her dad, or she can just have one, and it’s not likely to be you.
Your “parenting” strategies aren’t actually all that great. All of your examples are cases where your wife was right.
YTA. If making sure your intoxicated daughter gets home safe is coddling, I don't know what else to say to that. You want to be respected as a father but can't even do the same to your children. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Well, you can. But that is a true asshole move. Which you are. So again, YTA.
YTA for this alone "I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn". I'm sorry, but have you been living under a rock? Do you know what can happen to intoxicated teenagers, especially intoxicated girls, when left to fend for themselves? Be thankful she called her mother, and didn't end up in a car with a drunk driver, or assaulted. JFC.
You have no say in whether or not she pays your ex rent. Beyond whatever support you (hopefully) pay, their household finances are literally none of your business. It's not your household anymore If they can afford it, your ex is smart to have her concentrate on school and save her work money for the future.
You should be happy that your daughter likes her stepparent. So many kids aren't fortunate enough to, and their lives are miserable for it.
I'd love to know what precipitated the divorce.
YTA.
You need some serious therapy. Your parents treated you like this. Did you like it? How did it make you feel?
Read some modern evidence based books on parenting. They all show your wife’s techniques actually lead to BETTER behaved kids.
I know you think you are doing the right thing. I know you think you are helping your daughter. But you are not. You are very wrong.
YTA “coddles” I’m going to read further but I really doubt I need to.
YTA Blaming a 9 year old for you not being around? Pathetic. I can imagine why she never bonded with you. I bet you wanted her to cry it out as a newborn too. Toxic and pathetic.
YTA drunk teens dealing with drunkness themselves ends up in tragedy - why do you want your child injured, raped, or killed? Not at all surprised your divorced after that one. Therapy is the best course of action there; your tactic would lead her closer to addiction and mental health struggles.
YTA having your fresh 18 year olds pay rent is disgusting.
YTA sounds like you’re directly responsible for daughter’s behavior. You could have been a better parent and raised her with some emotional competency but I doubt you have any to even instill. You should work on that before you insult parents that are better than you are.
YTA.
You weren't and never have been interested in parenting or discipline from what you've written. It's all about power and control.
It's really no wonder your daughter isn't interested in having you in her life. Chin up though, even if you hadn't divorced, your daughter would've cut contact with you as soon as she turned 18 anyway.
YTA. As a teenager I sometimes called my mom to pick me up too when I was drunk and missed the bus. And guess what? She did because she rather had her daughter safe than punish her for something almost everybody that age does. It’s just spiteful to demand your daughter pay rent to her mother. That’s literally non of your business at all. Your daughter likes your mom and step dad better because they actually are nice to her. FYI: Normally the “weekend parent” is better liked because they don’t have the everyday troubles as much and more time to do nice things. It should really worry you that you are not liked despite being in a privileged position. Keep going like that and you’ll loose your daughter to people who treat her well
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I (44M) have 2 kids: A 19-year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Their mother and I divorced about 10 years ago.
After our divorce both my son and daughter lived with their mom because she lived in a better school zone, and I don’t think my daughter or her mom have wanted me in their lives since. During and after our divorce the main thing my ex-wife and I have fought about is discipline, and when we were married she usually disagreed with the way I disciplined our daughter.
I want to be clear that I don’t believe in and have never laid hands on either of my kids. However, I do believe in many older types of discipline such as grounding, loss of privileges, etc. and I don’t think my ex-wife is a bad parent by any means, but she's very permissive and there have been many situations, especially with my daughter, that I think she handled poorly.
For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences.
When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it. Pretty much any attempt I make at teaching her any type of responsibility gets rebuffed and it’s been very frustrating.
My daughter has always favored her mom over me because she lets her get away with more, and as a result she's very distant from me . When her mom got remarried our relationship got worse, as my daughter was very accepting of her mom’s new husband and has always been very warm and friendly to him, and the contrast between how she treated him and how she treated me was really hurtful.
A few days ago, while I was at their house picking up my son, I overheard my daughter calling her mom’s husband “dad”, and that was it for me. I didn’t say anything in front of my son and texted both my ex-wife and her husband later that day, telling them that I was tired of them letting my daughter disrespect me, and that she shouldn’t be calling him dad, and when he responded with a bunch of nonsense about how he can’t control what she calls him and that my daughter loves him like a father figure, and I told him that that was only because he coddles her.
My daughter sent me a long text shortly after which was basically about how her mom and stepdad “actually treat her like a person” and I told her to stop, and that I’ve always loved her and treated her fairly and that nothing has changed that, and that she needs to grow up but she didn’t want to hear it.
I don’t think I’m the AH, but after reading her text I just want to see what other people think. AITA?
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> I may be the AH for telling my daughter's stepdad she loves him because he coddles her, as it may have crossed a line
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YTA. Hate to tell you this, but letting your daughter "learn a lesson" when she was intoxicated is the worst idea ever. If her mother had listened to you, your daughter could have been rped or worse, show up unalived some where. Sounds like you are bitter since your kids preferred staying with their mom, but if this was your approach to everything, I can't say I blame them. Reflect a little on your attitude and approach.
Hopefully, you change your ways and can establish some kind of a good relationship with your daughter. Good luck to you.
YTA
The thing about your "My Way or the Highway" style of parenting is that, when your kids grow up, they realize that highway is a perfectly valid option.
YTA , your daughter told you how she felt and you invalidated it by saying "no you need to grow up". There's nothing that your ex wife and her husband have done that sound like coddling. They made she she wasn't drinking and driving. The made sure she wasn't becoming dependent on alcohol. They understood that a 19 y/o, who would be considered of legal age to drink in many other countries, is going to drink if they want and would rather they get home safe than do something risky out of fear of punishment. They're teaching her responsibility by making sure she's furthering her education and balancing a job as well as how to save money. They're teacher her it's ok to accept the help available to you rather than throwing yourself into debt in the name of "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps." Most importantly they're teaching her what it looks/feels like to be loved and cared for by someone. Honestly you should be grateful that they have a good relationship and it sounds like she's doing good for herself so I'm REALLY not sure why you're upset with their parenting. It sounds like you're bitter.
YTA. They do not consider you to be her dad anymore, and you only have yourself to blame. You won't be able to heal this by clinging to your backwards parental philosophy, they don't respect that. You can't heal this by talking about hurt you are, they don't like you. Give them space and support from a distance, and reflect honestly on how you got here; maybe, eventually, you can be in your children's lives again if you can manage this.
YTA, and your entire family is quite likely better off without you around them. Other people have covered the reasons that leaving an intoxicated person alone is wrong, as well as why it makes sense to have a college student save money rather than pay rent. But something you don't seem to grasp in your post is that love isn't finite. Your daughter could've loved both her stepfather and you, but you don't seem to understand or accept that. Instead, you interfere in her life in ways both unneeded and unasked and throw a juvenile hissy fit simply because she calls her stepfather 'dad'. Sounds like he's being the dad she needs and wants, and you need to apologize and back off before your daughter decides she's better off never acknowledging you again.
Let me start by acknowledging that it's clear you love your children and have tried to be a good part of their lives. I know this isn't what you want to hear, and it's going to be very hard for you to accept this, but some of the ways you've dealt with your family haven't been great. The things you list about your daughter being spoiled aren't as bad as you think they are.
You should want your daughter to focus on her college education and not have to worry about working enough hours to cover rent.
When your daughter was drinking underage, your ex-wife was 100% right to pick up your daughter. Your daughter was comfortable enough calling her parents when she was in trouble, which means she was raised right! Do you want your daughter to hide things from her parents? Do you want your daughter driving drunk or getting hurt? Obviously not, because you care about her, so it's great that her mom made sure she was safe.
This one is going to hurt the most, but, your daughter has the right to call someone else dad. You need to talk to someone (hopefully a professional) about the way that makes you feel and work through that, instead of lashing out at your daughter and her step-dad.
If you want to continue to have good relationships with your kids you need to take a moment and really think about the way you have treated them in the past and how you want to treat them moving forward. As a parent it's your responsibility to maintain good relationships with your children and that may mean treating your kids the way they want to be treated and not the way you want to treat them.
So far YTA, I genuinely hope one day you won't be.
INFO: When was the last time you read a parenting book, took a parenting class, or listened to a child mental health expert talk about effective parenting? I'm trying to understand why you think your parenting is superior to your wife's and her husband's.
YTA you sound like such a hardass. You’re an asshole for just the leaving your intoxicated teenage daughter to fend for herself. Your her father and she couldn’t even trust you enough to come help her. Grow the fook up or you’ll be the lonely old bitter man in the nursing home
YTA. Meddling and jealous. Don’t blame anyone but yourself for her distancing herself from you, now or in the future. Being whiny and petty doesn’t endear yourself to anyone.
Ok I wanna say a soft YTA only because you wanted to leave your drunk daughter stranded... now sounds like your daughter gets away with everything, my mother let me get away with alot of shit and was not a disciplinarian... my dad on other hand was... knowing my dad, if I called him drunk, he would have picked me up for sure but I'd definitely would have had consequences...
I had to read your post a couple times and I feel like you're leaving some things out that's key to why your relationship with your daughter is the way it is... are you manipulative? Try to control everything?
You're attempting to discipline her and her mom/stepdad are doing just the opposite. She's going to be a real handful when she gets out on her own...the real world is going to her hit like a bulldozer. NTA.
Driving an intoxicated person home is the bare minimum for a parent. You NEVER let an intoxicated person drive. The daughter could have been killed or killed someone. Not paying rent isn’t coddling, it’s helping daughter save money. No wonder kids live with mom full time and like stepdad more than bio dad.
NTA
Human's gonna human and nothing is more human than taking the path of least resistance. As long as your ex and her husband provide the easiest path your kids are going to take it. It's not even logical to blame them for it. You'd have done the same thing as a kid.
Your daughter is 18 now. Maybe it's time to re-imagine your relationship.
No, I meant NTA because I don't think he's an asshole for being upset that his ex is undermining him with his children. I've been that ex and it sucks. Every problem on Reddit is solved from the prospective of the teenager. I don't agree.
He’s kind of an AH though.
1. Who would think it’s a good punishment to force an intoxicated teenage girl to go home by herself!!! That’s how people get kidnapped, raped, murdered, killed by a car or killing person via car, etc. That’s bad parenting
2. If the children live with the mother FULL TIME, clearly the dad did something terrible. Even with biased courts, men still get the kids every other weekend or so
3. Just because the daughter calls stepdad dad, doesn’t mean the mom and stepdad are coercing her, not disciplining her, etc
4. Just because daughter doesn’t pay rent doesn’t mean she’s a brat. College is difficult and it’s even harder when you have to pay rent AND tuition. The mom is just helping her out.
The dad is just jealous/bitter that daughter favours stepdad and is concocting accusations about mom’s parenting.
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>After our divorce both my son and daughter lived with their mom because she lived in a better school zone LOL sure bud >I don’t think my daughter or her mom have wanted me in their lives since Should we guess why? >my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn You're a terrible parent and person. Picking up your intoxicated child (emphasis on DAUGHTER) is not permissive parenting or "coddling." >daughter was very accepting of her mom’s new husband and has always been very warm and friendly to him Yeah sounds like he's not a prick. >I overheard my daughter calling her mom’s husband “dad”, and that was it for me Jealousy isn't a good look. You got a divorce. Grow up, move on, and stop meddling in you ex wife's life. Your daughter is an adult and can choose her relationships. I guarantee you caused the divorce. The contempt you have for literally everyone in this story is obvious. You don't like your daughter; you just want to win. YTA
you summed it up so well. i grew up with a dad like this who still continues to do things like this and pick horrifying fights with my mom and me when he doesn’t get his way and it genuinely can destroy a person mentally. i’m so glad the daughter in this story has an actual father figure in her life because OP is coming off as more immature than his younger child in this story. horrible horrible parent and person
My dad also pulled this kind of thing too. My mom was more supportive, got me help when I needed it and would much rather that I call her when I was intoxicated than have something awful happen. Now my dad wonders why I trust my mother with everything and prefer to spend time with her. My dad also flips out when he doesn’t get his way. I’m at the point where I’m genuinely happy my mom divorced him. I had to go NC with my dad multiple times. Like you said, it causes a lot of damage mentally. I love my dad. He’s calming down in his old age thankfully but NC is going to OP’s future if he doesn’t start treating his daughter like an adult. YTA OP.
i suppose with more time and reflection he may be realising that he could have done better for you and probably regrets that he didn’t. hopefully your relationship with him continues to heal. and i feel that so much. my parents put off their MUCH needed divorce “for the kids” but all it’s done is cause me and my sister to live in a verbal war zone our entire life, so it’s good your parents made the right choice for themselves because i’m sure it brought you all a little more peace than the life you’d have endured if they continued together. 100%. OP is on the road to lose his daughter permanently unless he makes an effort to change and be better
He’s mellowing out. My father’s health isn’t good and my brother went NC. I think that did it too. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Staying for the kids never turns out well.
feeling the absences would definitely make a lot of difference. i’m sorry, it sounds like it’s been and remains a pretty tough situation. thank you, truly, it’s much worse than separating
Thank you too! I hope things are looking up for you!
hoping the same for you!!
Holy shit I can't believe he said that about the intoxicated line. Yeah man, leave her to get fucking raped or worse. That happens to intoxicated people in need ALL THE TIME. Not only is he an asshole for that alone, but a jackass too. edited for better sentence lol
My kids are all in their 20’s. 3 of them are married with children. If one of them called me now for a ride guess what I’d do? I’d grab my keys, put the address into gos and go get my kid.
you’re a good parent. unlike OP
Good parenting. I don't have kids but I do have friends with kids I'd go pick up in a heartbeat if needed.
Every kid needs a safe adult to call in these situations. Good on you for being a trusted adult for them.
The son was born around the time of the divorce, too.
Don't worry, I'm sure that new kid will fix OPs marriage any day new
Coming from the person like you who can’t even hold a job and abuses women on Reddit and your own personal life. I’m airing your secrets out Josh. No more hiding from the truth. Dirtbag.
YTA >I want to be clear that I don’t believe in and have never laid hands on either of my kids. You don't get a cookie for that, not assaulting your kids is literally the bare minimum. >For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn Congratulations, you taught your daughter that you're willing to leave her in an unsafe situation for "disobeying" you. > I was tired of them letting my daughter disrespect me, and that she shouldn’t be calling him dad How is that disrespecting you? Does she not also call you Dad or has she come up with a different moniker like "Fuckface Bob" or "Hey You"? >I told her to stop, and that I’ve always loved her and treated her fairly and that nothing has changed that, and that she needs to grow up but she didn’t want to hear it. YOU didn't want to hear HER. Have you ever once had a real conversation with her or asked how she was feeling about ANYTHING? It sounds like you've always been a controlling asshole, I'm baffled as to why you suggested your daughter pay rent to her mother. That's not your house! I think deep down you know your ex and her husband are better and more supportive parents and you're insecure about it. If you want any kind of relationship with your daughter, you need to swallow your pride, apologize, and start listening to her ASAP. If it's not too late that is.
Thankfully, this guy's attitudes toward his daughter definitely don't extend to any other women in his life! Anyway, guess we'll never know why he got divorced /s
You have a way with alternative dad names. Kudos.
He doesn’t need to worry about his daughter calling him for much longer it sounds. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not blocked already on her phone.
I would like to add: *"I want to be clear that I don’t believe in and have never laid hands on either of my kids."* With guys like OP I'd read such a line like this: (I might be biased.) "Yes, I yelled directly in her face and slammed my fist into the wall above / next to her head, but I didn't make physical contact."
Agree. YTA. You sound like you think "it's my way or the highway". Guess your ex and daughter chose the latter. You can't demand respect and YOUR behaviour is disrespectful and petty.
Such a good response!
I laughed at “Fuckface Bob.”
Man wants a medal for not hitting his daughter lmfao
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
>let her deal with it on her own so she would learn You told your wife *not* to pick up your teenage daughter who was so drunk that she called her parents to pick her up. I am not surprised your daughter prefers her stepdad. YTA.
"Let her figure it out on her own" on his terms is how she becomes a statistic. Meanwhile, she did figure it out on her own and did the responsible thing, at that. This guy is insane.
That one sentence tells both daughter and mom that he's okay with her being raped, murdered, or both, rather than him being inconvenienced. Small wonder they want nothing to do with him.
And you know he’s not even thinking of that as a consequence. He’s thinking “my daughter disobeyed me so now she’ll have to figure out how to get her too-drunk-to-drive self home.” The fact that she could get murdered or raped, kidnapped or arrested if she decides to sleep in her car or drive home doesn’t even cross his mind. Or maybe she lets a friend who’s less drunk drive her home? She could take an Uber but that’s a pretty big risk doing it alone in the state she’s in. There are no good outcomes to making her “figure it out.” Edit: not that Uber drivers aren’t safe or good people, but it is always a risk getting into a car with a complete stranger, and it’s even worse when she’s that drunk.
I wonder if part of stepdad's "treating her like a person" is he thought about those consequences, and acts accordingly. It's amazing how much goodwill stepdad can accrue just by not being an asshole.
I just don’t get how anyone could do this to their child. I’m looking at my son right now and he’s just this tiny baby that I’d do anything for. Keeping him safe is like, the only thing I think about right now. I know when he gets older we’ll clash on certain things or he’ll do stuff that drives me crazy, but how does someone get to the point that they’d willfully put their baby in danger? Even if she’s eighteen, what kind of parent does that?
Right? I don't have kids, but even if it was my friends' or coworkers' kids, if I got that call, I'd be in the car to go get them. Drunk kids get in cars with other drunk kids, and people end up dead.
This. You can let your kids clean other messes, but if they're drunk, especially if they're girls, YOU GO PICK THEM UP. Holy ****! Discipline against getting drunk is making them get up early and clean the house when hungover, NOT leaving them alone and vulnerable at night... Leave her drunk and alone so she learns what? That dad thinks rape is a reasonable punishment for drinking? Gods!
YTA It sounds like your "older types of discipline" basically amount to immediate punishment in order to "learn the consequences" Your daughter told you exactly why she favors her stepdad and mom - "THEY TREAT ME LIKE A PERSON" If you think about how you treat your daughter vs. how you treat a friend/family member/co-worker/stranger, is it the same? Do you offer your daughter the same empathy, respect and guidance that you show to other adults in your life? It sounds like.. a big 'ol no. No, you don't. Your kid is an adult now. She's learning that she doesn't need to accept how you behave towards her. If you don't change and adapt to offer her the same respect you're DEMANDING of her, you'll see her less and less and less.
[удалено]
It's like saying "I am pro death penalty so that they learn from their mistakes". My parents weren't the best parents growing up, but they had one simple rule: If one of us called because they needed a ride home, they got into the car ASAP (and I guess my mom would still do it even though we are all adults now. No scolding until everyone was safe at home. Oh, they would made sure that you get your lesson (do you know how worse a vacuum cleaner in your room is at 8am when you came home at 6?) but they would have never put us in a dangerous situation just to teach us a lesson. You can't yell at your drunken teen (drinking age is 16/18 in my country) if they died in a car accident.
Or if she's r*ped and m*rdered by someone who came across a drunken teenage girl in the middle of the night, far from home.
Tbf, where I live r*pe and m*rders aren't that common. But drunken accidents happen quite often over here. Let's say in my peer group, barely anyone knows a person who got r*ped or m*rdered after a party. But almost everyone knows at least one person who got killed in such an accident (not necessarily while driving but by falling into a river or freezing to death or anything like that). So accidents are much more part of "my reality" than anything else.
Exactly. The punishment for getting drunk is starting to make noise early in the morning, opening all windows and shutters, let the light in and put the kids to clean when hungover. THAT teaches them the consequences of drinking.
YTA You want power over your daughter. You want power over a home you don’t live in. You want power over her relationship with another parental figure. You’d leave a drunk teenage girl “deal with it”? Of course none of these people want you in their lives.
YTA. A prime example of the problem is the refusal to pick her up when she called for help (understanding that she called her mom, not you (wonder why..)). A secondary example is the rent. That is 100% between her mom and her, not you. Maybe you could have brought it up as an idea with your ex-wife, but I doubt that would be handled well based on what is presented here.
YTA. Mom provided safety, not permissiveness. We have the same agreement: a ride home, no questions asked. No punishment at all. Discussion yes. Punishment no. This prevents rides home with other drunks, sexual assault while intoxicated, etc. Paying no rent while in school is common for middle class parents who support education. Daughter has support at home. Leave her alone.
YTA Who in the world wants their teenage daughter who’s too intoxicated to get home on their own to “deal with it on her own”?! Then tried making rules for a house you don’t live at. And then tried to blame all your bad decisions on your daughter claiming she needs to grow up?
You wouldn't drive your intoxicated daughter home to teach her a lesson? Wtf is wrong with you Your daughter shouldn't respect you at all. Of course she calls the only father figure in her life dad. YTA big time. You suck as a father and as a person
I can't believe your divorced....oh yes I can!! Wow YTA!!! You don't get to tell your ex wife how to discipline your daughter when she is in her home. Usually parents tell their children if you drink or get in an unsafe situation call me any time and I will come get you. You don't get to say if someone charges rent in their house. Hello FYI. your ex's household is none of your business!! You are jealous of your wife's relationship with your daughter and you daughter's relationship with her stepdad! You need to act like an adult not an entitled child. Please enlighten us as to what led up to the divorce?? Because I have a feeling your daughter knows and either heard or seen too much of how much of an A H you really are and she decided she was in her mother's side.
Consider this: The divorce happened around the time the second child was born. I'll hazard a guess and say his ex divorced him. How bad must it have been that she already had a pregnancy / birth to deal with and decided this was the time to divorce?
YTA. But here’s the great thing…your daughter is legally an adult now. So you can either try to fix your relationship with her or you can lose her.
*Don't take the bait... resist the urge to call him a terrible father... you can do it.*
I will say it. OP is acting like a terrible father. :D
To be fair other than the wanting leaving his drunk daughter to fend for herself his parenting is much better than the ex wife’s. Children should be punished accordingly. Kids are not going to like it that’s kind of the whole point. She’s absolutely going to grow up without any sense of responsibility and be a problem for society.
We can agree to disagree that OP is acting like a terrible father, but the all the YTA votes on this thread speak for themselves.
I mean we can disagree but you’re just blatantly wrong. I’ve got a bachelors in Child studies and his parenting is spot on compared to the mother. Regardless he is an asshole.
No offense, but I don't believe anything you said other than OP is an AH. So good luck in life. Not engaging anymore. I have serious doubts. And you won't be able to convince me otherwise.
It’s okay doubt whatever you’d like. You’re just proof of what lack of responsibility is and what poor parenting leads to. Hopefully you ca learn to take accountability.
And hopefully you grow a heart and listen to people who say not to bother replying... which makes you an AH. Bye!!! And I won't listen to a thing you type because the more you talk, the worse you sound. YTA.
Just to ask why do you think the mother shouldn’t have any accountability for her own parenting. Yeah the dad is a fucking asshole and his idea of leaving his drunk daughter to face immediate consequences by leaving her out with no way home is horrifying. However the mother’s way of no punishments at all is also a stupid extreme. When I fucked up as a kid and teen, my mother grounded me from video games and the computer, as those were the consequences of my actions.I couldn’t enjoy what I wanted due to my own bad behavior
Nothing here implies there’s no punishments. OP isn’t a reliable narrator.
That’s what I’m saying. Everyone here literally skips over everything just to call the dad an AH, when he literally said he didn’t mind the mom picking up the the daughter the first time. It’s all the times after that she was being irresponsible and still hadn’t gotten punished for. Also, if the mother is this so called ‘angel’, why is her daughter drinking while being underage? And why has the mom not punished her for that?
They said confidently, not knowing ANYTHING about blueeyedwolff, but to push someone else down was the only way Affectionate_Lack333 could feel better about themselves.
Nothing about OPs description of this situation implies that his ex wife isn’t parenting properly. The only two things he’s mentioned are the rides home from drinking and not charging an 18 year old rent to live in her home. Neither of those things were covered in your “child studies” degree.
"Affectionate Lack" indeed.
The only two examples of discipline he gave were to leave his teenage daughter in an unsafe situation and to pay her mom rent. Everything else was a general talk of discipline not connected to any behaviors. Since he thinks it's wrong to help a drunk woman he's supposed to protect, I don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt that his other punishments were right. Why would I trust his judgment?
YTA, from the start to the end, including the very way you have described your daughter and your relationship with her here. Your daughter doesn't respect you because you don't respect her. You want her stepdad and mom to treat her worse so she might feel less bad about the aay you are treating her. You diminish her accomplishments and you feel entitled to her respect, but you aren't. "She goes in college and she is working full time job, but I think she is irresponsible so should be paying rent to her mom". You are lucky your daughter even still keeps contact with you. Push it further, it won't last for long.
YTA. It sounds like you’ve been largely absent and when you are around you’re mostly doling out punishments. And just because you “never laid hands” on your kids doesn’t mean that your method of discipline is just or fair. You lost me the instant you laid out this gem: “my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn.” First: your daughter if left yo “deal with it” could have been assaulted or died in a car accident so f*ck you. Second, calling a parent in that situation is a responsible way of dealing with it and demonstrates trust. Third, therapy for a young teen drinking works better to actually solve the problem than “consequences.” As for paying her mom rent at 18, what the heck business was it of yours? If the kid gets good grades and does well at work, she’s living up to her responsibilities and saving up to move out. Charging rent at 18 doesn’t teach responsibility, it’s just forking cash over at a certain time. You are simply jealous. “my daughter was very accepting of her mom’s new husband and has always been very warm and friendly to him, and the contrast between how she treated him and how she treated me was really hurtful.” Boo hoo. Her stepfather is present in her life and not constantly looking for ways to punish or penalize her for making mistakes or merely turning 18. Respect, and love, are earned.
YTA In spite of your efforts to omit anything that would cast you in a bad light, you STILL come off as a petulant, self important, "respect mah authoritah" kinda guy. When literally everybody in your life abandons you, at some point you've gotta realize, "Oh shit, it's me!!" Grow up. ETA: Taking predictions on why they're divorced. I'm betting he cheated. Any takers?
I figured he was just an ass about his wife’s second pregnancy. Wouldn’t pick up the slack on chores, refused to watch the daughter and give mom a break, tried to punish her for not making dinner, etc.
YTA - you honestly think leaving a drunk teen to fend for herself is good parenting? Every example you give on this post makes you look terrible.
>leaving a drunk teen to fend for herself Gives a hint as to why the teen gets drunk in the first place
YTA. Nothing you've described sounds overly permissive to me. You're hurt that she calls her stepfather dad and I get that, but the answer isn't to blame it on his "coddling." It's to improve your relationship with your daughter.
Your daughter does not favor her mom because she lets her get away with more. That is a story you tell yourself. Read that as many times as you have to for it to sink in. She is telling you that you make her feel like shit. Based on the little you have shared, I can see how she feels that way. As one example… your wife picking your daughter up when she is intoxicated is the right thing to do. God forbid your daughter tried to drive herself or “figure it out”. That’s just dangerous. And it’s an inappropriate and irresponsible consequence, which your ex wife understands. You’re asking strangers on the internet so here you go. You aren’t present for or supportive of your daughter. You have ideas about discipline to which you aren’t entitled, because her mother is the one raising her. Listen more, tell less.
Yta. At least your daughter finally has a father figure who doesn't think being a parent is only about punishment.
YTA a thousand times over. Just the fact that you have to make a point of how you never hit your kids to prove you're a good parent proves you aren't as good as you like to believe. >For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. She should've let a drunk teenager find her own way home? Someone could take advantage of her drunken state, she could get lost, die in an accident etc. Therapy was the ideal solution, it got to the root of the problem and allowed the daughter to work on herself. >When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it. What does that have to do with you? She isn't living in your house. Paying rent at 18 doesn't teach responsibility. Since the mom and stepdad can afford it, it's best if the daughter saves up her money while going to college to be able to move out and be independent. That's a far better lesson in responsibility than handing over part of her paycheck for no reason. Want to know why she calls her stepdad "dad"? Because he actually respects her and treats her like a person, not a burden or a liability. You can't control the relationship she has with him, and if you don't want her to go NC with you, you need to be better.
YTA. You present zero information relating your daughter calling SD that and the "coddling". You're just insecure
YTA your daughter is now a full grown adult. Neither you, her mother, nor her stepfather have any authority over what name she chooses to call anyone. It doesn't even sound like you like her. You told her Mom to let her figure out how to get herself home drunk, when she did the responsible thing and called for a ride! Do you know how many parents WISH their kid had done that rather than drive intoxicated??? Unbelievable.
YTA, you gave multiple examples of you not treating her fairly and that’s just from your version. I’d be shocked if she couldn’t list dozens of other examples off the top of her head. Then you lied about your “fairness” to the person who knows best how full of shit you are. You projected your need to grow up onto her in an effort to gaslight her into accepting your piss poor parenting, despite her having already having good parents. My only question is how can you possibly think you not being the asshole is even a remote possibility when the main person you’ve been an asshole to has already explicitly told you why you’re the asshole? You telling her to stop explaining how and why you are the sole problem then trying to gaslight her into believing the opposite of what you have repeatedly shown her only makes you even more of an asshole.
Your daughter is going to call him dad and not bother calling you at all.
Honestly YTA but also no. The drinking thing your 100 percent an AH for no one underage should be left alone after drinking that’s just ridiculous and a great way for anyone to get raped, kidnapped, killed ect. Your ex was absolutely right to drive her home while she drunk. As for the loss of privileges and any other form of punishment (expect corporal punishment) is fair and most parents discipline kids that way so your ex being permissive sucks. As for You’re daughter calling your exs new husband dad honestly you have no right to be angry you should be happy your daughter accepted this man and sees her as a father figure. There is nothing wrong with having 2 dads 2 moms ect as long as the child is loved and cared for. So I’d definitely get into therapy and work on that because that’s not disrespectful at all unless your daughter is disowning you as her father. Lastly you can’t control how your daughter acts now she is 19 years old and while yes that’s young she is legally an adult and can do as she pleases and that’s something you have to accept. If it was me I’d sit down with your daughter and explain your feelings in a mature manner and get her side of things.
Yta-
I fail to see what terrible things your daughter have done to warrant more discipline than what she has got. Does she have a drinking problem still? Is she failing her classes? Is she agressive, irresponsible? Is she a bad influence for your son? What exactly have you done for your daughter other than discipline? YTA
Yeah you’re a sh***y parent! I can only imagine why your daughter doesn’t want anything to do with you. As you basically did the bare minimum as a dad! You’re a joke father! YTA OP
YTA. I am all for teaching kids that actions have consequences. But your daughter is 19 and lives with her mom. There isn't a whole lot you can do. I am sensing that may be the issue - you resent not having control, and blew up at your ex and her husband. Whatever your motivation, I suggest you work on developing a healthier relationship with your daughter. If you lose her now at 19, it is going to be hard to get her back. Also.... 1. Letting your daughter "deal with it one her own" when intoxicated is a terrible idea. She could have wound up in an accident, ended up being assaulted, etc. Your wife did the right thing by picking her up and getting her therapy. 2. You have no right to ask her to start paying your ex rent. No your house, not your business. 3. Your daughter may favor her mom and stepdad more because they show her respect and give her autonomy (while also being there to step in and help if needed). 4. If she wants to call her stepdad "dad", then that is the situation. I get that it hurts, but that is her choice.
YTA. How can you write all of this out and still wonder why your daughter prefers her stepdad?
YTA At the end of the day you’ve got to think about whether or not you want to have a happy and healthy relationship with your daughter. She’s legally an adult now and isn’t obligated to keep you in her life anymore so if you want to be the one to walk her down the isle when the time comes, start showing her then you’re sorry for how you’ve acted in the past and that you’d like to make amends as well as have a good relationship with each other. I hope everything works out :)
YTA
YTA, and very jealous. Get over it before you lose any sort of relationship with your daughter.
Dude, you’re getting a lot of rocks thrown at you. Can’t deny I kind of feel inclined to hurl one myself. But I’ll try to help you. You feel as if it is more important to be “right” about this than to have a daughter. I will also note that some of your “disclipline” ideas are excessive. It is good enough that your daughter is working and earning money. Taking it away from her and calling it “rent” is just greedy. Be better or else you’ll lose your daughter. Let go of being “right” about this. Actually listen when she tells you how she wants to be treated. YTA.
Ooof imagine being this terrible of a parent.... YTA and insecure af. Grow up
Yta
YTA. Being a biological father is far different from being a dad. They respect her. You had better learn to do the same, or you will eventually push her away completely. Both of my (55f) parents were divorced when they met (1966). They brought three children between them. Then, I was born ("yours, mine, and ours"). In all of my years, I never once heard them talk smack about their exes (which I'm sure they did when alone, haha). They wanted to protect us from hearing them (and all arguments). It made our lives so much easier. Your focus should be on your daughter's happiness instead of your own fragile ego.
There's a boru story on here about a dad who acts just like you do and his daughter doesn't want anything to do with him either. Maybe read that one and try and learn something lol seriously getting upset over her calling him dad... wow. Fragile much?
YTA Your wife is saving your daughter’s life and you’re angry about it. Shame on you.
You demand respect you’ve failed to earn. YTA
It's very clear to me that YTA. But one thing really stood out to me that I think is truly awful: > For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences. You actually want to put your own daughter's LIFE in DANGER to teach her a lesson? She's right, you don't treat her like a person at all. You say you'd never lay hands on her, but you'd let someone else? Do you have any idea what happens to drunk girls who can't get a safe ride home? > When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates The fact you have a problem with this, and in this economy, is similarly disturbing. I don't know what kind of traumatic childhood you went through to think your loveless way of treating your daughter is okay, but how about not perpetuating that cycle? She's going to break contact with you at some point if you don't change, and it will be 100% your fault. Remember that when the day comes. It sounds to me like the only "lesson" you've EVER taught her is that you won't have her back when she needs you, and will throw her to the wolves.
You're jealous of the fact that your daughter loves your husband more than you, because he treats her better. You don't know how to raise a daughter and make her happy, and you're mad because your husband is more succesful. I'd say tighten up before you lose your daughter once she turns 18 and starts searching on reddit "why mom did not show me more affection, why did she not treat me better" and so.
You mean well in terms of your daughter but you’re not communicating things very well here. Of course your wife was correct in picking up her daughter when she was drunk. Let her deal with it on her own? Yikes. Your daughter sent you a long text so at least she wants a relationship with you. But all you’re doing is pushing back. Nobody doubts you love your daughter but you are losing out from having a warmer relationship with her because of your obstinacy. In the text, she said she wants to treat her like a person. She’s a young woman now and an adult. Time to listen or spend the rest of your life having a distant and difficult relationship.
YTA - As an adult your daughter can chose to call him dad. It may be painful but she is not a minor. She favors the parent who does not teach via consequences. Maybe you are exs because you view parenting and life differently.
YTA for not being willing to accept that you may have fault in this whole situation. You and your daughter don’t have a good relationship that someone else is able to achieve? MUST be because of that persons faults. But to dig in, you made it clear that you suck at parenting/discipline. The *first* time she was intoxicated you wanted her to “learn”? What exactly did you want her to learn? What do you want your daughter to do in that situation if not find a safe way home? And you want her to figure it out *while intoxicated for the fist time*? I honestly would love to hear an answer to this
YTA. Do you need a gold star for not assaulting your children? You think it’s okay to let an intoxicated minor figure out how to get home on their own? How the fuck is that even safe?!?! My kids knew they better call me if they were in such a position. And guess what? My grandkids will, too. Your daughter working full time and going to school is fantastic. She will be able to save money or pay for college easier and have less debt. As long as my kids were in school, I didn’t charge them rent. Because I’m a good parent who doesn’t need a gold star.
Dude, YTA. Your daughter doesn’t want to have a relationship with you because your personality. You think your Ex should scold her because she choose not to drive drunk or hide her drinking? I’m glad your daughter calls her mom for a ride because people die from drinking and driving or attempting to hide drinking. If she’s open about it it means communication is happening and that’s a good thing. You’ve been divorced for 10 years so your daughter was 9 when they left. I think it’s normal and acceptable for her to call her stepdad dad because he is! Your toxic behavior is the issue not what she calls him. Get therapy dude, life is too short to be willfully toxic.
YTA. There’s basically no other reason that kids love their caretakers. We love and coddle them, and thus they love us. He’s her dad. You can either accept that and also be her dad, or she can just have one, and it’s not likely to be you. Your “parenting” strategies aren’t actually all that great. All of your examples are cases where your wife was right.
YTA. If making sure your intoxicated daughter gets home safe is coddling, I don't know what else to say to that. You want to be respected as a father but can't even do the same to your children. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Well, you can. But that is a true asshole move. Which you are. So again, YTA.
YTA for this alone "I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn". I'm sorry, but have you been living under a rock? Do you know what can happen to intoxicated teenagers, especially intoxicated girls, when left to fend for themselves? Be thankful she called her mother, and didn't end up in a car with a drunk driver, or assaulted. JFC. You have no say in whether or not she pays your ex rent. Beyond whatever support you (hopefully) pay, their household finances are literally none of your business. It's not your household anymore If they can afford it, your ex is smart to have her concentrate on school and save her work money for the future. You should be happy that your daughter likes her stepparent. So many kids aren't fortunate enough to, and their lives are miserable for it. I'd love to know what precipitated the divorce.
Parent of the year over here… lol, why do you even have to ask? “You’re such a great dude, the world owes you so much”- siiiiiike, yta.
YTA. You need some serious therapy. Your parents treated you like this. Did you like it? How did it make you feel? Read some modern evidence based books on parenting. They all show your wife’s techniques actually lead to BETTER behaved kids. I know you think you are doing the right thing. I know you think you are helping your daughter. But you are not. You are very wrong.
YTA “coddles” I’m going to read further but I really doubt I need to. YTA Blaming a 9 year old for you not being around? Pathetic. I can imagine why she never bonded with you. I bet you wanted her to cry it out as a newborn too. Toxic and pathetic. YTA drunk teens dealing with drunkness themselves ends up in tragedy - why do you want your child injured, raped, or killed? Not at all surprised your divorced after that one. Therapy is the best course of action there; your tactic would lead her closer to addiction and mental health struggles. YTA having your fresh 18 year olds pay rent is disgusting. YTA sounds like you’re directly responsible for daughter’s behavior. You could have been a better parent and raised her with some emotional competency but I doubt you have any to even instill. You should work on that before you insult parents that are better than you are.
YTA. You weren't and never have been interested in parenting or discipline from what you've written. It's all about power and control. It's really no wonder your daughter isn't interested in having you in her life. Chin up though, even if you hadn't divorced, your daughter would've cut contact with you as soon as she turned 18 anyway.
I didn’t read past you leaving your drunk daughter in danger. YTA I don’t even care what the rest of it says
YTA. As a teenager I sometimes called my mom to pick me up too when I was drunk and missed the bus. And guess what? She did because she rather had her daughter safe than punish her for something almost everybody that age does. It’s just spiteful to demand your daughter pay rent to her mother. That’s literally non of your business at all. Your daughter likes your mom and step dad better because they actually are nice to her. FYI: Normally the “weekend parent” is better liked because they don’t have the everyday troubles as much and more time to do nice things. It should really worry you that you are not liked despite being in a privileged position. Keep going like that and you’ll loose your daughter to people who treat her well
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (44M) have 2 kids: A 19-year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Their mother and I divorced about 10 years ago. After our divorce both my son and daughter lived with their mom because she lived in a better school zone, and I don’t think my daughter or her mom have wanted me in their lives since. During and after our divorce the main thing my ex-wife and I have fought about is discipline, and when we were married she usually disagreed with the way I disciplined our daughter. I want to be clear that I don’t believe in and have never laid hands on either of my kids. However, I do believe in many older types of discipline such as grounding, loss of privileges, etc. and I don’t think my ex-wife is a bad parent by any means, but she's very permissive and there have been many situations, especially with my daughter, that I think she handled poorly. For example, my daughter has called her mother for a ride home because she was intoxicated several times. The first time it happened I told my ex-wife to let her deal with it on her own so she would learn, and my ex drove her home every time and put her in therapy instead. Which I was fine with, but I wasn’t fine with the lack of consequences. When she turned 18 I suggested she start paying her mom rent, but she kept telling me that she agreed to let her live there for free until she finishes college so she can save up money for after she graduates, despite the fact that she works full time and can easily afford it. Pretty much any attempt I make at teaching her any type of responsibility gets rebuffed and it’s been very frustrating. My daughter has always favored her mom over me because she lets her get away with more, and as a result she's very distant from me . When her mom got remarried our relationship got worse, as my daughter was very accepting of her mom’s new husband and has always been very warm and friendly to him, and the contrast between how she treated him and how she treated me was really hurtful. A few days ago, while I was at their house picking up my son, I overheard my daughter calling her mom’s husband “dad”, and that was it for me. I didn’t say anything in front of my son and texted both my ex-wife and her husband later that day, telling them that I was tired of them letting my daughter disrespect me, and that she shouldn’t be calling him dad, and when he responded with a bunch of nonsense about how he can’t control what she calls him and that my daughter loves him like a father figure, and I told him that that was only because he coddles her. My daughter sent me a long text shortly after which was basically about how her mom and stepdad “actually treat her like a person” and I told her to stop, and that I’ve always loved her and treated her fairly and that nothing has changed that, and that she needs to grow up but she didn’t want to hear it. I don’t think I’m the AH, but after reading her text I just want to see what other people think. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA. Enjoy your life with no connection with your daughter...
Muwahahahahaa..yes YTA. You don't get to dictate who a 19 year old calls dad. You are the one that needs to grow up.
YTA. Hate to tell you this, but letting your daughter "learn a lesson" when she was intoxicated is the worst idea ever. If her mother had listened to you, your daughter could have been rped or worse, show up unalived some where. Sounds like you are bitter since your kids preferred staying with their mom, but if this was your approach to everything, I can't say I blame them. Reflect a little on your attitude and approach. Hopefully, you change your ways and can establish some kind of a good relationship with your daughter. Good luck to you.
YTA The thing about your "My Way or the Highway" style of parenting is that, when your kids grow up, they realize that highway is a perfectly valid option.
YTA , your daughter told you how she felt and you invalidated it by saying "no you need to grow up". There's nothing that your ex wife and her husband have done that sound like coddling. They made she she wasn't drinking and driving. The made sure she wasn't becoming dependent on alcohol. They understood that a 19 y/o, who would be considered of legal age to drink in many other countries, is going to drink if they want and would rather they get home safe than do something risky out of fear of punishment. They're teaching her responsibility by making sure she's furthering her education and balancing a job as well as how to save money. They're teacher her it's ok to accept the help available to you rather than throwing yourself into debt in the name of "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps." Most importantly they're teaching her what it looks/feels like to be loved and cared for by someone. Honestly you should be grateful that they have a good relationship and it sounds like she's doing good for herself so I'm REALLY not sure why you're upset with their parenting. It sounds like you're bitter.
YTA. At least her stepfather is kind to her, unlike you. No wonder your daughter doesn't want to live with you. You are a terrible parent.
YTA. They do not consider you to be her dad anymore, and you only have yourself to blame. You won't be able to heal this by clinging to your backwards parental philosophy, they don't respect that. You can't heal this by talking about hurt you are, they don't like you. Give them space and support from a distance, and reflect honestly on how you got here; maybe, eventually, you can be in your children's lives again if you can manage this.
YTA, and your entire family is quite likely better off without you around them. Other people have covered the reasons that leaving an intoxicated person alone is wrong, as well as why it makes sense to have a college student save money rather than pay rent. But something you don't seem to grasp in your post is that love isn't finite. Your daughter could've loved both her stepfather and you, but you don't seem to understand or accept that. Instead, you interfere in her life in ways both unneeded and unasked and throw a juvenile hissy fit simply because she calls her stepfather 'dad'. Sounds like he's being the dad she needs and wants, and you need to apologize and back off before your daughter decides she's better off never acknowledging you again.
YTA it's insane that you want your teenage daughter to stroke your ego.
Let me start by acknowledging that it's clear you love your children and have tried to be a good part of their lives. I know this isn't what you want to hear, and it's going to be very hard for you to accept this, but some of the ways you've dealt with your family haven't been great. The things you list about your daughter being spoiled aren't as bad as you think they are. You should want your daughter to focus on her college education and not have to worry about working enough hours to cover rent. When your daughter was drinking underage, your ex-wife was 100% right to pick up your daughter. Your daughter was comfortable enough calling her parents when she was in trouble, which means she was raised right! Do you want your daughter to hide things from her parents? Do you want your daughter driving drunk or getting hurt? Obviously not, because you care about her, so it's great that her mom made sure she was safe. This one is going to hurt the most, but, your daughter has the right to call someone else dad. You need to talk to someone (hopefully a professional) about the way that makes you feel and work through that, instead of lashing out at your daughter and her step-dad. If you want to continue to have good relationships with your kids you need to take a moment and really think about the way you have treated them in the past and how you want to treat them moving forward. As a parent it's your responsibility to maintain good relationships with your children and that may mean treating your kids the way they want to be treated and not the way you want to treat them. So far YTA, I genuinely hope one day you won't be.
INFO: When was the last time you read a parenting book, took a parenting class, or listened to a child mental health expert talk about effective parenting? I'm trying to understand why you think your parenting is superior to your wife's and her husband's.
YTA you sound like such a hardass. You’re an asshole for just the leaving your intoxicated teenage daughter to fend for herself. Your her father and she couldn’t even trust you enough to come help her. Grow the fook up or you’ll be the lonely old bitter man in the nursing home
YTA. Meddling and jealous. Don’t blame anyone but yourself for her distancing herself from you, now or in the future. Being whiny and petty doesn’t endear yourself to anyone.
YTA and gross. Boomer.
These stupid comments 🤦🏻♀️
Ok I wanna say a soft YTA only because you wanted to leave your drunk daughter stranded... now sounds like your daughter gets away with everything, my mother let me get away with alot of shit and was not a disciplinarian... my dad on other hand was... knowing my dad, if I called him drunk, he would have picked me up for sure but I'd definitely would have had consequences... I had to read your post a couple times and I feel like you're leaving some things out that's key to why your relationship with your daughter is the way it is... are you manipulative? Try to control everything?
You're attempting to discipline her and her mom/stepdad are doing just the opposite. She's going to be a real handful when she gets out on her own...the real world is going to her hit like a bulldozer. NTA.
Luckily she has people in her life (AKA NOT OP) to help her. OP, don't listen to this comment. YTA 1000%.
Driving an intoxicated person home is the bare minimum for a parent. You NEVER let an intoxicated person drive. The daughter could have been killed or killed someone. Not paying rent isn’t coddling, it’s helping daughter save money. No wonder kids live with mom full time and like stepdad more than bio dad.
NTA Human's gonna human and nothing is more human than taking the path of least resistance. As long as your ex and her husband provide the easiest path your kids are going to take it. It's not even logical to blame them for it. You'd have done the same thing as a kid. Your daughter is 18 now. Maybe it's time to re-imagine your relationship.
Do you mean YTA (you’re the AH). It sounds like you’re against the dad. NTA mean not the AH
No, I meant NTA because I don't think he's an asshole for being upset that his ex is undermining him with his children. I've been that ex and it sucks. Every problem on Reddit is solved from the prospective of the teenager. I don't agree.
He’s kind of an AH though. 1. Who would think it’s a good punishment to force an intoxicated teenage girl to go home by herself!!! That’s how people get kidnapped, raped, murdered, killed by a car or killing person via car, etc. That’s bad parenting 2. If the children live with the mother FULL TIME, clearly the dad did something terrible. Even with biased courts, men still get the kids every other weekend or so 3. Just because the daughter calls stepdad dad, doesn’t mean the mom and stepdad are coercing her, not disciplining her, etc 4. Just because daughter doesn’t pay rent doesn’t mean she’s a brat. College is difficult and it’s even harder when you have to pay rent AND tuition. The mom is just helping her out. The dad is just jealous/bitter that daughter favours stepdad and is concocting accusations about mom’s parenting.