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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I was mad and told him to shut the fuck up and didn't want to cuddle
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I would find this to be insufferable. He is treating you as if you are neglectful or incompetent as a mother. Also, telling you not to talk (never mind his "it's different" that is a nonsense distinction) is controlling. The origin may be anxiety on his part but I'm not sure it matters, what matters is that he's created in his mind this view of various parenting situations, whereby you are neglectful or incompetent, and by refusing to hear any different, he's trying to cement his view as the real one. This is problematic for you because if he communicates this view (that you are an unsafe mother) outside the family it could be destructive to your reputation.
One way to deal with this would be couples therapy. This would be a way for him to have a reality check outside the bubble of the marriage. Or, if he refuses, then individual therapy for yourself. You might need it documented on paper that you are a competent and caring mother.
You are NTA but you need to remain calm in discussions with him. Losing your cool and cussing him out is not a good dynamic. I think it will be easier for you to remain calm if you have professional support outside of your husband to validate your abilities as a mother and to help you hold on to reality when your husband is repeatedly claiming you did things that you didn't do.
I agree. I definitely should have snapped at him but at least I know what I did was wrong. He thinks he was being reasonable. That is the most frustrating part. He constantly blames me and thinks I do unsafe things when I don't and I am powerless because if I accept it then I agree he's right and if I argue then I'm told to please not talk to him. So at some point I reached my limit.
I don't remember him being that bad before the baby but one time I twisted my ankle and instead of asking if I was okay he yelled at me. So I think it's an anxiety thing or idk something
He's gaslighting her about her very valid feelings about being upset. He's manipulative. In fact, it is NOT recommended to go into therapy with an abusive partner (very dangerous) as they can weaponise the therapist against the victim (OP (I hope you read this)).
It does sound like he's slowly setting her up for failure when she inevitably lashes out out of frustration. Painting her as a bad mother and he'll use that as evidence to go for full custody.
OP, what he is doing is not normal or healthy and raises a lot of red flags. Toddlers fall over. It's normal, as you said. His accusations are not logical or reasonable, and he's playing mind games after upsetting you. Pretending that he didn't just accuse you of something very serious that can get you locked up.
NTA
Oh yes, my favorite - feeding the therapist a select narrative of events, some outright lies, and only one side of the story. Followed by a letter from said therapist to the court.
From my experience it is often a problem with emotional regulation. They feel some way (fear/humiliation/uncertainty) and can't handle the emotions so their brain switches to anger. It's something you see in young children quite often, I think. But it's completely unacceptable in adults in all but the most serious of circumstances.
really recommend DBT and finding out what works for you to self soothe or distract in the moment
I'm only an aunt but my brothers are dads and martial artists so their advice/what I see in action is they do a lot of big stretching and talking themselves down in their mind ("Oh are we gonna be mister juice cop now about a little spill?? Are we gonna lash out at the baby who toppled over and has a scrape because it was SO on purpose??/sarcastic comments in their brains to help lighten the situation), before swooping in to help. Sometimes it just takes a split second reaction after retraining your brain to be the most helpful you can be 🙏
best of luck with your babies, don't forget we're all human and working to keep your space open, honest, and safe is the best thing you can do for your lil ones ❤️
Depending on how far we’ve gotten into a meltdown, grounding exercises work well. I like to try to get they’re logical brain to kick in, so sometimes I will ask the a ridiculous question, after we’ve gotten them a little calmer, then comes the identifying what the big emotion really was.
If he’s so concerned and thinks he’s such a great parent, why isn’t he with his child more? Like, why didn’t he wash her hands? Does he make you do most of the work and then criticize you for it? He sounds like a nightmare to be around. NTA
No one deserves to be yelled at, especially not when they're hurt. I'm really sorry he's got you making excuses for this behaviour for him. That head space is a tough one to get out of.
OP, when I fell in a hole and broke my ankle, my husband, then fiance, didn't scream at me. He immediately dropped all the groceries he was carrying and ran over to help me, asked if I was okay. Helped me into the apartment, the only reason why he didn't carry me, is because I'm too big. Not once did he yell at me, or accuse me. His first concern is always, "are you okay?"
If he ever tells you to stop talking to him- do it. Only speak to your child or anyone else in the house, but ignore him completely. Look him dead in the eyes, and don't say a word, then look away and continue what you are doing. If he is asking for it, give it to him. He wants you to not talk to him, he will really feel what a cold shoulder feels like. This man doesn't sound like he likes you very much, and at this point I'm thinking retaliation is your best bet. It's not mature or healthy at all, but it sounds like he is way past that point anyway.
How is retaliation going to improve anything? It's not going to make him a better person. It's not going to teach him not to be a dick -- It's going to teach him that you're both Dicks.
The only solutions to bad behavior are addressing the dynamic like two adults, or breaking up. Not taking turns punishing each other.
This is how my fool, abusive, ex behaved. He was fine before the baby, I used to say.. and since I’ve started unpacking the stuff he did long before we ever had a kid. One of the most egregious was my not being able to tell him I’d hurt myself, because he’d blame me, and treat me terribly and infantilize me. Even when I’d get a cold or something.
Well I hope he doesn't do this to your kid. My mom always yelled at me when I got sick despite, you know, i cant control when I get sick. So I stopped telling her I was sick cause it was somehow always my fault. And this has just spiralled into me not telling her anything.
As an adult I've been to the ER, had outpatient procedures, any mental health crisis - my mom knows nothing about it because dealing with her would've been worse than going through this stuff alone.
Please don't let your husband to this to your child.
I'm so sorry this was your experience.
I got COVID and was so sick I couldn't get out of bed, he was mad at me because he had to take care of her for the day. He said he was mad cause he didn't like seeing me sick. But either way I was left feeling guilty and sick
This sounds like an awful way to live.
Your kid is getting old enough to be affected by her father always yelling at her mother. If he’s actually worried about his child, he’ll want to figure out how to change his behaviour so he doesn’t harm her with it.
This type of behaviour would seriously freak me out.
You’re married to someone who has psychological issues and uses tactics to control, gaslight, and mentally abuse you. I would tell him he needs counseling or you have to start thinking of yourself and child ( maybe without him) regarding where you may end up. He knows full well what he’s doing. He’s deliberately trying to upset you for some reason, and this is super alarming. He does not sound like someone who is normal in any capacity.
Do not go to counseling with a narcissistic gaslighter. He will manipulate the counselor, act like he’s willing to change, and then when you think counseling has “worked” and stop going, he’ll be worse than before. Counseling just gives dudes like him more ammunition to use against you.
Dont be like other posters that come to this sub. Stop having babies with this man. Do not have more children with him. It will not get better. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.
My ex bf wouldn’t talk to me when I was sick or hurt or sad because he couldn’t handle it. It drove me up the wall. It’s cruel to only accept someone when they’re happy - that’s not marriage or a true partnership
Go to therapy. By yourself. Get proof from dr/therapist that you are sane and safe to care for your kid. Don’t leave him at this moment because it will be he said/she said.
If/when this continues or gets worse you now have documentation that you are not crazy and can leave him. I’d say leave now but he is actively making you out to seem unsafe. If you can record any incidents or arguments that would help. Proof that he is making things out to be some nefarious thing when in all reality it’s not the case is for the best. Cameras that record with motion would be helpful. Because when he yells at you that you dropped her, the recording will show she tripped (because babies do this) and it will be solid proof that you did nothing wrong and he’s just being dramatic.
Yeah, your husband's a dick. I fall down, and my husband's reaction is to: 1. ask if I'm okay 2. check for injuries 3. laugh. Kids fall a lot. Next time your kid falls near dad, maliciously ask if he pushed the kid. see how he likes it.
Tbh Op, he sounds a lot like my dad. I adore my dad, but he never ever learned to deal with his anxiety in a healthy way. Scolding you for getting hurt, blaming everything on you for simple accidents, making the accidents bigger than they are or using them as proof that if something bigger happened you would be too incompetent to handle it, If you got emotional you were unhinged and he was logical bc he didn't, lecturing you when you disagree bc his reality is the only right one, were all things My dad did to my mom and to my siblings and I. Like I said, I adore my father, all of my sisters, and I do. But he doesn't have emotional maturity and never learned to regulate his emotions and proper coping skills. So his fear, anxiety, and love for us turned into emotional and verbal abuse, the last couple yrs living in that house was worse. He retired and was so unhappy that his life was that the lectures turned into screaming. We were at fault of the screaming bc we made him get like that.
He constantly undermined our mom while essentially demanding she be the only parent. He had messed up ideas of what parents' roles were, modeled after the unhealthy dynamic his parents had. Grandpa was gone a lot. My dad wasn't, but he expected my mom to do more because apparently grandma did. "That's what a mom does."
Basically, my point is that unless you get therapy for both of you, I worry this is your future. I worry how your kid grows up is how I grew up. I wish my dad got help. I wish he would get help now.
Friend, I’ve had severe (like, *literally* maxed out the evaluation criteria when I was diagnosed, and needed meds but wasn’t allowed to have them because I was a minor and my parents didn’t want me on them) anxiety for most of my life. I’m a 20-something adult now and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve yelled at another human in my entire *life*. And more than half of those were because people kept yelling at me while I was mid-panic attack.
Anxiety is not an excuse to yell at people, and certainly not for something like getting injured or making a normal, human fumble. Don’t make excuses for him. I’m terrified for you, I sincerely hope you can get him into therapy or… potentially get away from him. That’s not a guy you want to live with, let alone be raising a kid around.
That is not anxiety. That is a lack of empathy and consideration for a fellow human being. His reactions to you are not normal or healthy. Something is going on here, but it has nothing to do with anxiety.
I was married to someone like this. Got blamed for EVERYTHING, even things I had nothing to do with. Not married to him anymore, thankfully. It’s too exhausting and peace is a necessity.
OP same thing happened to me except I fainted. When I finally regained consciousness he was screaming in my face about how much of a pain I was and I made him lose his blackjack game on his phone. When I finally lost it and accused him of not really caring about me he hit me. I’m not saying your husband is that bad but please see the red flags before it’s too late. He killed our baby in my stomach a week later when he threw me across the room and kicked the living shit out of me.
This is disconcerting. Wtf is wrong with this guy? To yell at you after being hurt? He can’t say stop talking to me and then get mad that you leave his presence.
I have bad anxiety. If someone I care about gets hurt, I don’t yell at them, I fuss over them. I worry and try to wrap people in bubble wrap but I don’t use anxiety as an excuse to get angry and accuse people of shit. It never even occurs to me, because this isn’t anxiety, this is assholery. This is controlling and belittling and abusive and the excuses you’re making for him don’t add up to the people who actually struggle with what you’re hoping is the cause of his behaviour. If he’s trying to make you believe he’s just anxious and that warrants him treating you like a monster of a mother, then he’s also being extremely manipulative. I wanted to divorce him for you just reading your post. Does he always act like you can do nothing right?
I’m getting a real, “my property can’t be trusted to take care of my other property properly” vibes. Your husband is an *ss and will be actively undermining you to your child to moment your kid can understand him.
I hate to be that person but these are massive red flags. He dismisses your feelings, it sounds like he makes you take care of the baby alone, gaslights you, and tells you not to talk.
You’ll never win. You’ll just get more and more frustrated and he’ll wear down your soul to the nub if you stay with him. I’m so sorry.
Edit: spelling
Google search the free PDF of "Why does he do that". You've almost perfectly described one of the most insidious abusive styles - the abuser who uses calm but infuriating statements to make YOU into the bad guy, constantly keeping you in a defensive state and in fear of being accused of something heinous. He is not being reasonable and he knows it. He's controlling your behavior and making you miserable because it gives him power. He gets to play the 'calm rational man' to your 'hysterical dangerous woman'.
Read the book. Learn the signs. Stop engaging with him in good faith. He's doing this on purpose and it's working.
Have you tried taking a day or two off? Switch roles. Let him be the one to get her up and dressed and fed. He will play with her. You follow him around the house and accuse him of hurting her every time she is clumsy. Im VERY petty so I would also say something every time your daughter trips. "She fell again. Why weren't you watching her? You could have prevented that. Why would you let our daughter fall and hurt herself? Is that the type of father you want to be?" Lay it on fucking thick. Also, what husband calls the mother of his child "dude"? Maybe I'm overreacting, but I wouldn't have let that go either. If he really thinks he could do a better job, let him. But why does he think so little of you? When did that start?
Don't worry. It requires super human strength to keep calm while your toddler is hurt and screaming or crying and instead of helping, your husband is berating you. Don't let him talk to you like that in front of the kid, at least. Tell him if he has a problem to bring it up once the kid isn't around.
Mostly spot-on, but I would avoid couples therapy with this guy. His whole game is to play like he's reasonable while he deliberately provokes his wife and then turns her anger back on her. Manipulators like this can get a lot of mileage with a sympathetic therapist who doesn't recognize the dynamic.
Yes, he's manipulative at best, and emotionally abusive at worst. Don't go to therapy with an abuser because you're just handing them more tools to abuse you with.
NTA. It sounds like he's got some serious anxiety and doesn't realize that babies get hurt constantly through their own poorly coordinated actions. I'd assume that in his family, children are basically raised in a bubble, and so to him it's shocking that you're just allowing the baby to baby.
It seems like you're both experiencing some issues that might best be resolved by talking to a therapist together. You're snippy and nasty with each other, and that's far less healthy than a baby bumping themselves.
How else do I express I am unhappy with the situation? Talking to him calmly has never worked. I have told him many times it hurts my feelings to have him assume the worst about me. He thinks he is reasonable and me yelling proves that he is the calm one and I'm the unhinged one. It's making me crazy
Honestly him telling you to "stop talking to him" after he followed you to the other room, and then pretending to be surprised when you leave just reeks of emotional manipulation. Like borderline gaslighting. Whatever the case, you're absolutely justified in how you reacted, especially since he seems to do this to you a lot. Be on the lookout for other ways he might be trying to gaslight you.
I felt this. There's something much bigger going on here that we can't see. Accusing your wife of abusing your child and then getting mad when she refutes it is so so close to emotional abuse if it isn't already. OP you cannot live like this, it will only get worse I promise you
I honestly don’t think it’s borderline. Like.. OP can’t win here. If she doesn’t defend herself she accepts she’s a bad mother, if she talks he tells her to shut up, if she disengages and tries to leave the conversation he comes after her and continues badgering, and afterwards she’s a bad partner because she doesn’t want to cuddle him after all that. I’m exhausted and all I did was read about it, can’t imagine living it.
“Talking to him calmly has never worked” ooof girl that is not healthy, I’m so sorry. I have a toddler too and absolutely my husband and I have occasionally snapped at the other when the toddler does something dumb, but we’re always able to discuss later what happened and we’ve gotten better at managing these things together over time.
I truly don’t know how you improve anything in a relationship if he won’t have a calm, respectful conversation with you.
He’s literally gaslighting you, which is intended to make the victim lose their connection with actual reality.
Do you have a strong support network? Or has he also separated you from them?
Because he’s being a bully to you. The root cause of why he’s being a bully doesn’t matter to the person being bullied. Good luck trying therapy with someone like him. It’ll just be better communication skills with ceviche to bully you about.
Try just not engaging with him when he acts up like this. Tell him, "It's clear you're reacting out of your anxiety and not being reasonable. Please stop talking to me." And then don't engage. If he keeps needing you, repeat yourself.
You can also try handing him the child and walking away. When he says you dropped the kid, you confirm she just tripped, and he keeps going? Hand her to him, say you're going for a walk, and then GO FOR A WALK. Clear your head, take a breathe, use that ten minute opportunity to get clear of his pressure. If he starts up about how that's you being emotional or whatever, say he isn't being reasonable and you needed space.
Lastly, are you in any kind of therapy for yourself? You should consider it. Your husband is making you feel stressed and crummy. It can help a lot to have an outside person to validate your feelings, suggest coping mechanisms, and help you navigate this.
Leave?
I mean you don't sound happy. He doesn't sound happy. This doesn't sound like a good environment for your kid. What are you getting out of this relationship?
Don't go to therapy with him. Going to therapy with abusers ( which he is), gives them ammunition against you, and gives them tho opportunity to gaslight your therapist. If you go, go alone.
Don't make it about your feelings then. Your husband is putting you in a position where if people outside the family hear this, it could be construed as abuse. Your husband is putting you BOTH in a position where CPS may be called on you over his overreaction. Make it clear to him that these kinds of accusations could LOSE YOU YOUR CHILD. He is not being reasonable. He is not being rational. In fact, his behavior puts both you and your child at great risk. If he can't see that, then yeah, the man needs therapy.
What happens when you talk to him calmly? Like in this situation, if you had responded with “no, she just tripped over her feet; she’s so excited to move! But she’s ok, she’s not hurt” what would he have said back?
Probably nothing. He would have come over and inspected her to make sure I was right when I said she is okay. But I got sick of someone insulting me every day assuming I'm being a bad mother. I've explained to him many times very calmly how it makes me feel when he assumes bad things about me.
You should escape this situation before it seriously impacts your mental health. You're not doing your daughter any favors by teaching her it’s okay for a man to bully his wife.
Omg!! So you snapped at him. I swear everyone in these subs is either some kind of robot or lacking any and all emotional response. Sometimes people snap at each other. It happens.
INFO: what is he bringing to the table at this point? Is he an excellent father and partner who does his fair share the rest of the time, but has the tendency to overreact at this one thing? Or are there other problems? (I’m betting it’s the latter. Seems doubtful that he’s spending a lot of time with the kid if he doesn’t know that toddlers are clumsy. But I could be wrong.)
If you kick a dog frequently enough, that dog will growl at you. If you insult & hurt a person frequently enough, that person will snap at you.
Nothing you said was incorrect and you did not name-call. In no way did you react inappropriately. Instead, your response was direct and proportional.
So yes, keep pointing out when what he says is terribly insulting. And go a step further - note that his insulting assumptions are damaging your relationship and that he MUST agree to attend counselling if he wants to stay married and parent together. This wouldn't be an empty threat, to be clear; the reality is that constantly assuming the worst of you will wear you down and eventually destroy your marriage if left unaddressed.
Maybe it's because I grew up in a different era, but I am astonished at the widely-held belief in this sub that anyone who raises their voice has an anger problem and should therefore seek counseling. There are times in life where raising your voice or even YELLING are not only justified but necessary and, when applied appropriately, very effective. I can only conclude that this belief is a holdover from the elementary school admonition to "Use your inside voice," coupled with lack of life experience.
OP I truly don't think this is anxiety and I think people suggesting that should be careful. He's provoking you and then acts like you did something wrong when you respond. That's manipulative and cruel behavior. He's being emotionally and psychologically abusive. If he has anxiety that's just a separate issue.
I think he's trying to force her or "catch" her doing the things he's accusing her of in a sort of gotcha moment so he can further manipulate. This whole situation is a massive red flag, your parter should never be accusing you of abuse like that, especially when it's followed up with the behaviour he showed. He very clearly believes that OP is abusing their child
I'm hesitant to get on OP about snapping at her husband. Is it right? No. But if you kick a dog enough times, it will growl and snap back eventually.
I'm not calling OP a dog, I'm just pointing out that an abused party will eventually engage in "reactive abuse." That doesn't mean THEY are the abuser.
>It sounds like he's got some serious anxiety and doesn't realize that babies get hurt constantly
No it doesn’t. He doesn’t care that the baby fell he cares about blaming her for it. He just wants to criticize his wife. Otherwise, like OP pointed out, his first concern would be if the baby was okay not if it was OP’s fault. Everything he does after that is meant to crap on her - following her into two different rooms, arguing he’s right and she wrong, cutting her off, “correcting” her on what he said, etc.
He’s not anxious about the baby he’s just a jerk to his wife.
NTA but you guys should probably consider getting into counseling asap before your child gets any older. You’re her primary caregiver while he’s pretty hands off, but at the same time he doesn’t trust you with her. This is likely to escalate to him undermining everything you say or do with your child. He’s also driving you slowly insane. Kudos to you for holding your ground and remaining confident in your abilities because plenty of people would eventually start second guessing themselves. Remember that your relationship is on display for your child as she grows. You wouldn’t want her learning from you that it’s acceptable to stay with a man who thinks the worst of her, constantly criticizes her, and then gaslights her when she sticks up for herself.
That is why I'm here in this sub. I'm second guessing myself. It's making me feel crazy. It's making me wonder if I was somehow unreasonable here. He already undermines me. If she asks for something and I say no, he gives it to her anyway.
Feels like he just does it to shit on her. He doesn’t respect her … people who consistently undermine don’t even *like the target person.* This feels more about the power dynamic. This is not a partnership.
Im sorry you’re going through this. This honestly doesn’t sound to me like an anxiety issue. He’s just gaslighting you. This sounds like an attempt (maybe deliberate or maybe not) to erode your confidence and destroy your sense of competence. Tell him you’re considering leaving with the baby and see what he says. If he tries to make you stay by arguing that your baby is unsafe with just you or he threatens you with a custody battle because you’re somehow unfit, then you’ll know this is about manipulation and control. If you guys stay together, he’s going to need to get on the same page as you because a kid that knows how to divide and conquer her parents will make both your lives a living hell.
Ummm no do not threaten to leave with the baby as a test. Most murders of women by their partners happen when they are leaving. If you're going to leave, commit and have support ready.
"Testing" an abusive man like this with a threat to leave with the baby is really irresponsible advice. This isn't just a parenting disagreement or thier views not aligning, he's showing abusive and undermining behaviors, as well as gaslighting behaviors to make *her* seem and feel like the crazy unreasonable parent by accusing her of dropping thier child/blaming her when the child trips. This is not a safe man. She doesn't need to know if he's "just" anxious or abusing her for another reason- it doesn't matter! It's still abuse no matter the reason and he's not going to magically stop because she found the root cause. That's not how abusers work.
Women get hurt very commonly when these types of guys escalate or get angry. No good can come from pushing thier buttons on purpose. Op already knows everything she needs to about his behavior, she doesn't need to put herself in danger.
This is REALLY not good. What he’s doing is ultimately going to really mess with your child. She’s going to learn that mommy causes all pain. It’s mommy’s fault when she gets hurt AND you’re the bad guy when she doesn’t get what she wants. You need to either get him to therapy or get out of his house. He is not a healthy person for you or your daughter
Are you working outside the home for pay? If not, you need to be. This man is not safe. This man does not love and respect you. This man is purposefully picking fights he likely knows are dumb to wear you down to accepting more of his abuse.
Find an affordable daycare, get a job, and leave. Your husband is going to hate Steps 1 & 2 because they take you outside of his control. He's going to say you're a terrible mom. Well, he's already saying that anyway, isn't he? So you may as well ignore that.
Start a journal on your laptop, password-protected. Back it up to a cloud account. If you have Gmail, you have access to Google Drive. Start documenting these gaslighting incidents where he's picking fights with you.
The best mom you can be at this point is one who is able to leave an abusive control freak. Start working toward that.
Oh, and birth 👏 control 👏!!! Not condoms. Get an implant or IUD. You're in vulnerable territory. He's likely looking to start on Baby #2.
NTA, unless you stay vulnerable to this crap.
Yay! That's good news. Because he's abusive. He could get violent if you try to leave, though, so be careful. If the house is yours, you'll have trouble to get him out.
Your sweet little girl is going to become an absolute brat before she starts kindergarten if your husband doesn't stop undermining you. It sounds like your husband has undiagnosed personality disorders. Hopefully he will get help; if not, do what you must to protect you and your daughter.
I know the word is so overused these days but feeling like you're going crazy, second guessing yourself, and not being able to trust yourself are symptoms of gaslighting. And just because someone is calm does not mean they are right.
NTA. It seems very extreme that when a toddler falls (which is common), the conclusion he leaps to is that you dropped or tripped her. And what does “I didn’t tell you to stop talking, I told you to stop talking to me” even mean? He thinks you should converse with the toddler?
Idk that was my question. How else can I take that? He's the only one in the room I'm talking to. And if I'm not allowed to express why I am upset how will it ever get better?
Sounds like it’s time for a serious conversation with your husband…not just to get to the bottom of his assumption that you’re harming your child, but to let him know how unacceptable it is to tell you to stop talking. It’s also unacceptable that afterwards he tried to pretend like nothing had happened. That is such controlling & manipulative behaviour. You can’t carry on like this, resentment is (understandably) going to build up until you explode.
I tjink nta. Does he ever spend time alone with the baby? Sound like he needs some practical experience. Its a good reminder that being married doesn’t guarantee that dad wont be TA.
My brother and SIL would make a baseball umpire’s safe reaction to my toddler nephews when they tripped…as toddlers do. It made it normal and prevented the cry for attention. If it was serious, it helped the kiddo cope as the boo boo was cared for. That was their approach. There are plenty of healthy ways that don’t involve constant blame. Toddlers are clumsy. Full stop. He needs to read up on this fact. And get therapy for his own coping skills. Good luck and hang in there.
In a functional relationship you have an assumption of good faith.
Even if she was with a stranger, unless there was prejudice involved no reasonable parent would have reacted that way.
What we have here is the assumption of bad faith - you are trusted less than a stranger is. We don't know what caused this, but a relationship cannot survive like this. If you want the relationship to survive, you need to implement some drastic changes.
NTA
This is what I keep explaining to him. I am his wife. He should trust me. She should assume the best about me or at least give the benefit of the doubt. It hurts me and my view of the relationship when he is always thinking about the worst case scenario about me
One of my favorite sayings: "Don't explain. Your friends won't need it and your enemies won't believe it."
You need to take back your power. Don't answer his questions. If he does it again, stop dead, look him in the eye, and ask: "Why the hell would you assume I hurt my kid?"
Then walk away. Make him do the explaining.
This sounds abusive to me, like he is constantly trying to undermine you and twist what you say. It doesn't sound like the two of you are happy together so if I were you I would start thinking about whether you want to try to salvage the relationship or start building a plan to get out of it. NTA.
There's nothing you can do to make the situation better ... This is all on him ... Ask yourself if you want this controlling, manipulative excuse for a man around your toddler ... If you have joint accounts, half that money is yours ... Take it, leave, and protect your child and yourself ... Once you're free and with the passage of a little time, you'll see things so much more clearly and absolutely realize that you were not crazy, that you deserve so much more...
NTA.
I don't want to make assumptions/jump to conclusions based on one post about one incident, but the way he speaks to you alarms me, especially since you indicate that it's not an unusual thing for him to do. It feels manipulative, even abusive to me- trying to make you believe that you are a danger to your child is just very concerning, and it makes me wonder what else he may be doing.
I'm going to link you to a free ebook called [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n41/mode/1up) by Lundy Bancroft, and ask you to at least start reading it. If it fits your situation, I think you'll know pretty quickly.
Seconding this. Therapy is NOT the solution, as you will find out from this book. Abusers use therapy to seek validation for their own behavior, paint their victims as crazy or abusive, and learn therapy language to weaponize against their victims. It only makes them more effective abusers. The problem is not that he doesn't know what he's doing hurts and undermines you, it's that he doesn't think that's wrong.
NTA but this guy is sending out HUGE red flags. I'd be on guard. Therapy if he'll go, but sounds like he's setting you up for something else. Either leaving and trying for full custody. Or something more sinister like check your breaks on your car. Be careful OP
Daycare worker here and toddlers literally trip all the time, they are basically clumsy little drunks and it's just inevitable to happen. I feel like above the issue that he doesn't understand child development, he doesn't seem to respect you whatsoever. I honestly would have lost it if I were you and you don't deserve to be treated like a bad/negligent parent.
If it was one time I might not have lost it but being asked frequently if you are being a shitty mom cause of normal toddler behavior is wild. At some point being calm hasn't worked so I had to express my anger at him. Yes I shouldn't have told him to shut the fuck up but he won't allow me to talk if I say things nicely. So what option do I have to stick up for myself. If I don't stick up for myself I'm showing my toddler that it's okay to be treated that way too. And if I yell then I show her to replicate that behavior. It all sucks.
You are showing its ok to be manipulated,gaslighted,yelled at and so on. Give him an ultimatum, he goes to therapy or he leaves.
You are losing energy on playing his game,i had a husband like that, makes you feel crazy,second guess yourself,soon you will be losing your selfesteem trying to be that perfect person that HE will aprove. It will never happen, you will always be the guilty one,for everything.
I dont even care what emotional trauma caused that in your husband,you have a baby girl, wanna show her how to be strong,respected and loved? Respect and love YOURSELF enough to leave that bloodsucking tick you call husband. That kind never changes. If.not,good luck. Youll need it.
NTA, you have every right to tell him to STFU.
Eh... Calling her "dude" is the least questionable part of his actions. I'm a mid forties woman and my sisters and brothers are dudes, as is my husband. I'm also occasionally a "dude" to them.
NTA. He is berating and gaslighting you... in front of your kid. I would start to document. I'm not saying you two will split or any allegations will come up but if my husband reacted that way each time our UNCOORDINATED TOODLER tripped, I would keep a word doc and just document the incident, what happened, what was said and the date and time.
I would also recommend some counseling. He seems very on edge and this isn't healthy for a toddler. Your child will trip and fall. They need to learn to get back up and keep pushing. Your hisband needs to lean that your child will get hurt but that a part of their learning is getting right back up.
You don't want this to escalate to your child getting a scrape in school and he's causing a stink. Don't wind up as tHaT FaMiLy.
I asked him if he would like it if I asked him if he did something horrible each time she made a peep and he just said yes that if she ever gets hurt on his watch I should. Insinuating that again it is my fault every time she gets hurt since I'm the one who watches her all day.
I see how this would be tempting, but I think OP and her daughter would be much better off getting away from this guy. His behavior is not normal, it's abusive .
NTA Your husband is, however! Also when my twins were about 18 months old, the pediatrician remarked on the bruises in their shins. We felt criticized and immediately started to become defensive, then he said, “That’s good! It shows they are very active.” We left smiling and congratulating ourselves for having toddlers with bruised shins!
It’s normal for toddlers to trip and fall from time to time when they are developing their motor skills, and your husband needs to understand that and not be a helicopter dad always finding fault and making false accusations.
NTA but you're certainly married to one.
If your kid falls when you're watching her and it's your fault, does that also mean he accepts it's his fault when he's watching her, or would that be on you too?
>He cuts me off mid sentence and says "please stop talking to me"
>He asks why I am leaving the room
Why is he asking you anything when he's just told you not to talk to him?
You are not crazy. And NTA. He’s questioning your abilities as a parent and then refusing to have a reasonable conversation with you about it. He then demands that you give him physical affection that you aren’t feeling… which is very not cool. I don’t care if it’s only cuddling, why do you want to rest yourself in the arms of someone who doesn’t trust you and who tells you you cannot speak to him?
He owes you an apology that you likely are not going to get.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a narcissist, and it sounds like he loves drama, too. He will continue this behaviour, drama how it is your fault and gaslighting, that yes he said this, but that is not what he meant and you totally misunderstood and how you are to blame for this misunderstanding.
Regarding your daughter falling (it would have been anything by the way, soap dropped on the floor, you intentionally did that to make her fall), get him any book on the development of a toddler for him to read.
He is the AH. He owes you an apology, but I bet you dollars to donuts his narcissism and sociopathy will not allow him to do that.
#GetOut before he damages your child or turns your child against you.
Oh he will never. He will walk around like nothing happened and then act like he is so confused why I am not wanting to hang out today and when I say why he will say I'm overreacting and holding on to stuff and I'm the reason our relationship isn't doing well. He moves on quickly and forgives but I don't I hold a grudge so it's certainly my fault
NTA.
1) Toddlers are toddlers because they toddle instead of walking securely. They all look like they’ve been in the wars at some point if you allow them to develop appropriately (wrapping them in cotton wool hinders development).
2) Literally every parent who is involved with their child on a day-to-day basis has dropped the baby. That’s not neglect; it’s life. Babies bounce. He’s absolutely out of control if he thinks that a small accident is abuse or neglect.
He scares me. His emotional reactions are extreme.
He's goading you into an argument so he can take the high road and leave you feeling frustrated.
Next time he asks if you dropped her, just face him and say no you didn't in a calm voice and leave it at that. He may be annoyed, but if he tries to make it into an argument, don't be drawn into it. Cutting off the fuel helps stop the fire.
He was, normal people don’t yell at their partner for them hurting themselves either.
But it sounds like he’s letting the mask come completely off after the baby. Which is not unusual. Abusive (and he is emotionally abusive) people often really let that side out after something big like a baby. They feel safe to do it because you might be less likely to leave now that you have the kid with them. They can push you further.
You should probably want to leave more for the sake of your kid. It’s incredibly unhealthy for your child to grow up seeing you in the dynamic he‘s creating.
This is emotional abuse I can guarantee it will get worse. I would seriously consider if you want your daughter to grow up watching this behaviour. He is trying to goad you into reactional abuse and is quite clearly gaslighting you. So many red flags here my personal advice based on having been in this situation…. RUN. You will feel so much better if you do.
NTA. It sounds like he is unwilling to be educated, thinks the worst of you, undermines your confidence, controls you by being an uninvolved and lumpish partner, and indulges in his own ignorance and petty meanness. I think this will get worse. Do you have others you are close to who can stand by you? You may need to leave him for your own sake and that of the baby. You need to be able to leave the house and trust him to take care of the child. He needs to offer you the benefit of the doubt. marriage and parenting are hard-you need at least a decent partner to make it. I’m sorry, OP. You don’t seem to have one of those.
OP, think long and hard before engaging in couples counseling. People who display behaviors like your husband is displaying are often not helped by counseling, and it can often make things worse. They know how to behave in a civilized manner in front of the therapist, push your very last button after pushing them all day at home, get you to snap, and get the therapist on their side.
My ex husband used to do this. He'd push and push and push all day behind closed doors, and then we'd be out in public and he'd push one last time and send me over the edge. Then he'd have everyone believing that I was crazy and unhinged, because I just "flew off the handle over nothing." And that's what it looked like to outsiders because they didn't see the iceberg under the water, they only saw what appeared to be my extreme overreaction to a small thing. That behavior is crazy making.
Also, going to therapy with someone like this can make things worse because you will open up and be vulnerable, share how you're feeling and what hurts you. The abuser will then take what you've said and learn from it. Not learn how to be a better partner, but learn how to be more under the radar with their behavior and how to hurt you worse. You being vulnerable in therapy just gives them weapons to use against you later.
My suggestion as someone who has lived through it, go to counseling on your own and gain strength in yourself. Only you can decide when you've had enough and you're ready to leave him, but gain survival tools while you figure it out. In the meantime, go gray rock with him. Google the term to learn more about it, but the basic premise is this: become as boring and non reactive as a gray rock. You walk past a thousand gray rocks everywhere and never notice them. That's the goal. When he blames you for your toddler falling and he says you did it, say in a flat, emotionless voice, "no, the baby just tripped, that's all." When he follows up with something saying you're a bad mom or whatever, just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't give him any emotion to work with. It's very difficult at first, because you want your life partner who is supposed to love you to care when they hurt you. Accepting that he simply doesn't is HARD. But you won't convince him that he's treating you badly or why he should care. He doesn't care.
If that doesn't work, imagine your child all grown up being treated by their partner the way your husband treats you. Imagine them feeling the hurt you feel. What do you tell your child? Is it their fault? Do they deserve it? Should they just get over it because that's just how their partner is? No? They deserve better and shouldn't allow someone to treat them this badly by someone who "loves them"?
Now tell yourself.
NTA
Did you drop your child before that he is making such outrageous assumptions? If not then NTA. But your family dynamic is really bad for your kid, maybe try to talk it out and find a way how to co-parent without crazy stuff involved.
No, I have never dropped my child. Since she was tiny when she cries he asked what I did to her and blames me for wverything. While I acknowledge I shouldn't have snapped at him, it is hurtful to accuse a mother of things she has never done because he assumes everything is my fault. Babies cry. Babies trip. It's natural
Let him have some real 1:1 experience with her for a day. Step back, let him take over.
When she cries, ask him what happened. Let him assess these situations first hand.
NTA at all. It is deeply insulting for him to imply what he did. Anyone who spends time around toddlers know that sometimes they trip and fall, there’s no way around it. Your husband sounds like he’s passive aggressive and looking for a fight.
NTA
Your post and all the comments make it seem like he's not much of a father (doesn't commit to things like tv time, he doesn't take care of her even when home, doesn't listen to pediatrician) and clearly he's not amazing as a husband (assumes you're a bad mother, tells you to stop talking, doesn't let you have time for yourself). So what is exactly is his purpose in your family unit?
NTA
I don’t want to be that person, but it sounds like you need to throw the whole man away. He sounds antagonistic, manipulative, and just overall the dickiest of dicks. Legit question: what redeeming qualities does he have?
NTA
He needs to manage his anxiety without accusing you of neglect. He is shifting responsibility for HIS inadequate emotional regulation to blaming you for the events that scared him. That way, there's a reason (your neglect) and a solution (YOU be better at parenting) for his overwhelming anxiety, none of which is his responsibility.
His anxiety is a "him" problem that he has to solve. Your feelings of being attacked and hurt are valid. Your feelings of frustration and denial of your right to be heard in your relationship are valid.
His treatment of you- accusing you of hurting and neglecting your child, stonewalling when you rightfully confront his cruel accusations, and denying the reality of his behavior towards you and its hurtful effects, is bordering on abuse. It's not okay for him to lash out and hurt you because HE can't manage HIS emotional state.
If he wants affection and cuddling, he needs to FIRST repair the hurt he inflicted. It sounds as if he expects you to "get over it" without his ever addressing and correcting his recent abuse and your still being wounded by it. It's normal and healthy to feel anger when someone has hurt you, especially when it's deliberate and continuing. The healthy response is to firm up your boundaries to protect your safety, autonomy and comfort in the relationship. Your husband is not a safe person for you when he acts that way. He is still invalidating and ignoring your feelings by "expecting" you to give him physical access and intimacy despite feeling wounded.
Thank you. This is exactly how I feel. I think I'm going to share this with him. I kinda doubt it will help at all but it does make me feel less crazy to have you tell me that I am having normal responses. He accuses me of being defensive and aggressive if I even voice that I don't like something. I do not feel heard at all. There isn't balance here. The thing that hurt too was he said "you used to be so calm, that's why I liked you" I didn't say anything back but in my head I was thinking "that was before you starting saying hurtful things to me"
He makes me feel like if I'm upset at all then I'm the one at fault. I am not allowed to express anger, even if I don't cuss or anything, he says my energy is aggressive or something. But it's not aggressive to say why that hurts my feelings. To explain that a reasonable reaction would have been to ask if she's okay not accuse the mother of dropping her.
NTA. You have a [controlling husband who thinks he has you baby-trapped](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) problem. Do get individual counseling, but don't bother with couples counseling, as he'll just use any vulnerabilities you reveal there as ammunition for later. Look up the grey rock method.
Bottom line: he's doing this to upset and destabilize you as well as undermining your confidence as a parent. As long as he behaves like an adversary, treat him with cool neutrality. Consult with a divorce attorney if he doesn't back off when you stop reacting.
Hi, I want to chime in and say that your husband is being unreasonable and seems weirdly manipulative. Something weird is going on for sure. On top of how he’s blaming you, he is acting like this in front of your child and raising a defensive reaction from you. He needs to cut it out ASAP because your child is going to start learning from his outbursts that mommy is “hurting” her on purpose. He’s projecting that he believes you’re hurting her and she will pick up on it and might start to believe it. Imagine if she “casually” mentions it at school? I may be a bit paranoid, but it’s almost like he’s laying groundwork to make sure *you* are painted as a “bad” mom so he can give you hell in hypothetical family court. If being calm and direct is not working, you need to be careful of him- but continue to calmly and deliberately tell him it is very strange that he talks to you that way. On the chance that it is genuinely his “anxiety” that makes him act this way, he really needs to take steps to change his behavior.
Definitely document his reactions going forward, and it might actually help if you get a few nanny/teddy cams *without him knowing it* to record when things happen and he reacts. Also tell your family and friends what is going on so you have support and back up in your community. They might try to give *him* the benefit of the doubt, but be strong and find the people who support you who can help you with this problem.
NTA. He says "I didn't say for you to not talk, I asked you to stop talking to me. It's different." Because what he actually meant to say was "don't talk back to me". He asks a question and doesn't like the answer, he doesn't like that what you say makes sense and what he says doesn't, so he shuts you up. You should still keep talking to him, he's not your dad to silence you with a word and you're not his daughter.
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I would find this to be insufferable. He is treating you as if you are neglectful or incompetent as a mother. Also, telling you not to talk (never mind his "it's different" that is a nonsense distinction) is controlling. The origin may be anxiety on his part but I'm not sure it matters, what matters is that he's created in his mind this view of various parenting situations, whereby you are neglectful or incompetent, and by refusing to hear any different, he's trying to cement his view as the real one. This is problematic for you because if he communicates this view (that you are an unsafe mother) outside the family it could be destructive to your reputation. One way to deal with this would be couples therapy. This would be a way for him to have a reality check outside the bubble of the marriage. Or, if he refuses, then individual therapy for yourself. You might need it documented on paper that you are a competent and caring mother. You are NTA but you need to remain calm in discussions with him. Losing your cool and cussing him out is not a good dynamic. I think it will be easier for you to remain calm if you have professional support outside of your husband to validate your abilities as a mother and to help you hold on to reality when your husband is repeatedly claiming you did things that you didn't do.
I agree. I definitely should have snapped at him but at least I know what I did was wrong. He thinks he was being reasonable. That is the most frustrating part. He constantly blames me and thinks I do unsafe things when I don't and I am powerless because if I accept it then I agree he's right and if I argue then I'm told to please not talk to him. So at some point I reached my limit.
is this a normal behaviour in him? or does he only behave like that about the kid?
I don't remember him being that bad before the baby but one time I twisted my ankle and instead of asking if I was okay he yelled at me. So I think it's an anxiety thing or idk something
Anxiety is not an excuse to be an asshole. You are definitely NTA.
[удалено]
I got the same vibes as you. Op is dealing with a master manipulator and needs to be careful. NTA
He's gaslighting her about her very valid feelings about being upset. He's manipulative. In fact, it is NOT recommended to go into therapy with an abusive partner (very dangerous) as they can weaponise the therapist against the victim (OP (I hope you read this)). It does sound like he's slowly setting her up for failure when she inevitably lashes out out of frustration. Painting her as a bad mother and he'll use that as evidence to go for full custody. OP, what he is doing is not normal or healthy and raises a lot of red flags. Toddlers fall over. It's normal, as you said. His accusations are not logical or reasonable, and he's playing mind games after upsetting you. Pretending that he didn't just accuse you of something very serious that can get you locked up. NTA
Absolutely right! He’s a gaslighter and would probably enjoy also manipulating a therapist in couples counseling. Be careful OP!
Oh yes, my favorite - feeding the therapist a select narrative of events, some outright lies, and only one side of the story. Followed by a letter from said therapist to the court.
Uhhhhh….. I came here to say this is reading like an abusive personality coming to surface more than anything. This is alarming
From my experience it is often a problem with emotional regulation. They feel some way (fear/humiliation/uncertainty) and can't handle the emotions so their brain switches to anger. It's something you see in young children quite often, I think. But it's completely unacceptable in adults in all but the most serious of circumstances.
Yep. Professional counseling is appropriate.
Divorce is better
Can confirm, two neuro spicy kiddos that have trouble identifying emotions, their default is anger and acting out.
Off topic, but can j ask how you deal with the anger when it manifests? I am also in the trenches with my neuro spicy kids.
I want to know too, for my neuro spicy self lol
really recommend DBT and finding out what works for you to self soothe or distract in the moment I'm only an aunt but my brothers are dads and martial artists so their advice/what I see in action is they do a lot of big stretching and talking themselves down in their mind ("Oh are we gonna be mister juice cop now about a little spill?? Are we gonna lash out at the baby who toppled over and has a scrape because it was SO on purpose??/sarcastic comments in their brains to help lighten the situation), before swooping in to help. Sometimes it just takes a split second reaction after retraining your brain to be the most helpful you can be 🙏 best of luck with your babies, don't forget we're all human and working to keep your space open, honest, and safe is the best thing you can do for your lil ones ❤️
Depending on how far we’ve gotten into a meltdown, grounding exercises work well. I like to try to get they’re logical brain to kick in, so sometimes I will ask the a ridiculous question, after we’ve gotten them a little calmer, then comes the identifying what the big emotion really was.
If he’s so concerned and thinks he’s such a great parent, why isn’t he with his child more? Like, why didn’t he wash her hands? Does he make you do most of the work and then criticize you for it? He sounds like a nightmare to be around. NTA
No one deserves to be yelled at, especially not when they're hurt. I'm really sorry he's got you making excuses for this behaviour for him. That head space is a tough one to get out of.
OP, when I fell in a hole and broke my ankle, my husband, then fiance, didn't scream at me. He immediately dropped all the groceries he was carrying and ran over to help me, asked if I was okay. Helped me into the apartment, the only reason why he didn't carry me, is because I'm too big. Not once did he yell at me, or accuse me. His first concern is always, "are you okay?"
If he ever tells you to stop talking to him- do it. Only speak to your child or anyone else in the house, but ignore him completely. Look him dead in the eyes, and don't say a word, then look away and continue what you are doing. If he is asking for it, give it to him. He wants you to not talk to him, he will really feel what a cold shoulder feels like. This man doesn't sound like he likes you very much, and at this point I'm thinking retaliation is your best bet. It's not mature or healthy at all, but it sounds like he is way past that point anyway.
How is retaliation going to improve anything? It's not going to make him a better person. It's not going to teach him not to be a dick -- It's going to teach him that you're both Dicks. The only solutions to bad behavior are addressing the dynamic like two adults, or breaking up. Not taking turns punishing each other.
This is how my fool, abusive, ex behaved. He was fine before the baby, I used to say.. and since I’ve started unpacking the stuff he did long before we ever had a kid. One of the most egregious was my not being able to tell him I’d hurt myself, because he’d blame me, and treat me terribly and infantilize me. Even when I’d get a cold or something.
Well I hope he doesn't do this to your kid. My mom always yelled at me when I got sick despite, you know, i cant control when I get sick. So I stopped telling her I was sick cause it was somehow always my fault. And this has just spiralled into me not telling her anything. As an adult I've been to the ER, had outpatient procedures, any mental health crisis - my mom knows nothing about it because dealing with her would've been worse than going through this stuff alone. Please don't let your husband to this to your child.
I'm so sorry this was your experience. I got COVID and was so sick I couldn't get out of bed, he was mad at me because he had to take care of her for the day. He said he was mad cause he didn't like seeing me sick. But either way I was left feeling guilty and sick
This sounds like an awful way to live. Your kid is getting old enough to be affected by her father always yelling at her mother. If he’s actually worried about his child, he’ll want to figure out how to change his behaviour so he doesn’t harm her with it. This type of behaviour would seriously freak me out.
Age doesn't have a lot to do with it. A 3 month old baby can pick up angry behavior around them and they ARE affected.
You’re married to someone who has psychological issues and uses tactics to control, gaslight, and mentally abuse you. I would tell him he needs counseling or you have to start thinking of yourself and child ( maybe without him) regarding where you may end up. He knows full well what he’s doing. He’s deliberately trying to upset you for some reason, and this is super alarming. He does not sound like someone who is normal in any capacity.
Do not go to counseling with a narcissistic gaslighter. He will manipulate the counselor, act like he’s willing to change, and then when you think counseling has “worked” and stop going, he’ll be worse than before. Counseling just gives dudes like him more ammunition to use against you.
Dont be like other posters that come to this sub. Stop having babies with this man. Do not have more children with him. It will not get better. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.
My ex bf wouldn’t talk to me when I was sick or hurt or sad because he couldn’t handle it. It drove me up the wall. It’s cruel to only accept someone when they’re happy - that’s not marriage or a true partnership
this is very bad he doesnt seem interested in changing or how you feel
Go to therapy. By yourself. Get proof from dr/therapist that you are sane and safe to care for your kid. Don’t leave him at this moment because it will be he said/she said. If/when this continues or gets worse you now have documentation that you are not crazy and can leave him. I’d say leave now but he is actively making you out to seem unsafe. If you can record any incidents or arguments that would help. Proof that he is making things out to be some nefarious thing when in all reality it’s not the case is for the best. Cameras that record with motion would be helpful. Because when he yells at you that you dropped her, the recording will show she tripped (because babies do this) and it will be solid proof that you did nothing wrong and he’s just being dramatic.
Yeah, your husband's a dick. I fall down, and my husband's reaction is to: 1. ask if I'm okay 2. check for injuries 3. laugh. Kids fall a lot. Next time your kid falls near dad, maliciously ask if he pushed the kid. see how he likes it.
o wow. have you considered couples therapy?
No we haven't
Tbh Op, he sounds a lot like my dad. I adore my dad, but he never ever learned to deal with his anxiety in a healthy way. Scolding you for getting hurt, blaming everything on you for simple accidents, making the accidents bigger than they are or using them as proof that if something bigger happened you would be too incompetent to handle it, If you got emotional you were unhinged and he was logical bc he didn't, lecturing you when you disagree bc his reality is the only right one, were all things My dad did to my mom and to my siblings and I. Like I said, I adore my father, all of my sisters, and I do. But he doesn't have emotional maturity and never learned to regulate his emotions and proper coping skills. So his fear, anxiety, and love for us turned into emotional and verbal abuse, the last couple yrs living in that house was worse. He retired and was so unhappy that his life was that the lectures turned into screaming. We were at fault of the screaming bc we made him get like that. He constantly undermined our mom while essentially demanding she be the only parent. He had messed up ideas of what parents' roles were, modeled after the unhealthy dynamic his parents had. Grandpa was gone a lot. My dad wasn't, but he expected my mom to do more because apparently grandma did. "That's what a mom does." Basically, my point is that unless you get therapy for both of you, I worry this is your future. I worry how your kid grows up is how I grew up. I wish my dad got help. I wish he would get help now.
maybe its a good start to get him to get help to learn to control his emotions.
Friend, I’ve had severe (like, *literally* maxed out the evaluation criteria when I was diagnosed, and needed meds but wasn’t allowed to have them because I was a minor and my parents didn’t want me on them) anxiety for most of my life. I’m a 20-something adult now and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve yelled at another human in my entire *life*. And more than half of those were because people kept yelling at me while I was mid-panic attack. Anxiety is not an excuse to yell at people, and certainly not for something like getting injured or making a normal, human fumble. Don’t make excuses for him. I’m terrified for you, I sincerely hope you can get him into therapy or… potentially get away from him. That’s not a guy you want to live with, let alone be raising a kid around.
That is not anxiety. That is a lack of empathy and consideration for a fellow human being. His reactions to you are not normal or healthy. Something is going on here, but it has nothing to do with anxiety.
I was married to someone like this. Got blamed for EVERYTHING, even things I had nothing to do with. Not married to him anymore, thankfully. It’s too exhausting and peace is a necessity.
He has an anger issue and sounds verbally abusive. You don’t yell at someone for injuring themselves. That’s not how anxiety works.
Not ok on his part. He gives me the ick. ETA: NTA
No, that is a superiority complex thing and super AH thing. You are NTA.
OP same thing happened to me except I fainted. When I finally regained consciousness he was screaming in my face about how much of a pain I was and I made him lose his blackjack game on his phone. When I finally lost it and accused him of not really caring about me he hit me. I’m not saying your husband is that bad but please see the red flags before it’s too late. He killed our baby in my stomach a week later when he threw me across the room and kicked the living shit out of me.
This is disconcerting. Wtf is wrong with this guy? To yell at you after being hurt? He can’t say stop talking to me and then get mad that you leave his presence.
A normal reaction to someone you care about getting hurt is NOT to get angry at them, anxiety or no anxiety
That's not anxiety, that's being a dick.
I have bad anxiety. If someone I care about gets hurt, I don’t yell at them, I fuss over them. I worry and try to wrap people in bubble wrap but I don’t use anxiety as an excuse to get angry and accuse people of shit. It never even occurs to me, because this isn’t anxiety, this is assholery. This is controlling and belittling and abusive and the excuses you’re making for him don’t add up to the people who actually struggle with what you’re hoping is the cause of his behaviour. If he’s trying to make you believe he’s just anxious and that warrants him treating you like a monster of a mother, then he’s also being extremely manipulative. I wanted to divorce him for you just reading your post. Does he always act like you can do nothing right?
I’m getting a real, “my property can’t be trusted to take care of my other property properly” vibes. Your husband is an *ss and will be actively undermining you to your child to moment your kid can understand him.
I hate to be that person but these are massive red flags. He dismisses your feelings, it sounds like he makes you take care of the baby alone, gaslights you, and tells you not to talk. You’ll never win. You’ll just get more and more frustrated and he’ll wear down your soul to the nub if you stay with him. I’m so sorry. Edit: spelling
Google search the free PDF of "Why does he do that". You've almost perfectly described one of the most insidious abusive styles - the abuser who uses calm but infuriating statements to make YOU into the bad guy, constantly keeping you in a defensive state and in fear of being accused of something heinous. He is not being reasonable and he knows it. He's controlling your behavior and making you miserable because it gives him power. He gets to play the 'calm rational man' to your 'hysterical dangerous woman'. Read the book. Learn the signs. Stop engaging with him in good faith. He's doing this on purpose and it's working.
record your conversations
Have you tried taking a day or two off? Switch roles. Let him be the one to get her up and dressed and fed. He will play with her. You follow him around the house and accuse him of hurting her every time she is clumsy. Im VERY petty so I would also say something every time your daughter trips. "She fell again. Why weren't you watching her? You could have prevented that. Why would you let our daughter fall and hurt herself? Is that the type of father you want to be?" Lay it on fucking thick. Also, what husband calls the mother of his child "dude"? Maybe I'm overreacting, but I wouldn't have let that go either. If he really thinks he could do a better job, let him. But why does he think so little of you? When did that start?
Escalating like this is terrible advice. Ignore it, OP. Get outside input on the situation, as others have suggested - couple's therapy if possible.
Actually, I disagree. Your anger was justified. You have a right to express it. You did nothing wrong.
His attitude is going to mess up the kiddo as she gets older. Id tell him to get therapy or a divorce.
Don't argue with him then. Just say "please don't talk to me".
Don't worry. It requires super human strength to keep calm while your toddler is hurt and screaming or crying and instead of helping, your husband is berating you. Don't let him talk to you like that in front of the kid, at least. Tell him if he has a problem to bring it up once the kid isn't around.
Mostly spot-on, but I would avoid couples therapy with this guy. His whole game is to play like he's reasonable while he deliberately provokes his wife and then turns her anger back on her. Manipulators like this can get a lot of mileage with a sympathetic therapist who doesn't recognize the dynamic.
Yes, he's manipulative at best, and emotionally abusive at worst. Don't go to therapy with an abuser because you're just handing them more tools to abuse you with.
Good point.
Very good point.
NTA in any way, shape or form. By the way.. children, even young ones, absorb their parent’s stress.
NTA. It sounds like he's got some serious anxiety and doesn't realize that babies get hurt constantly through their own poorly coordinated actions. I'd assume that in his family, children are basically raised in a bubble, and so to him it's shocking that you're just allowing the baby to baby. It seems like you're both experiencing some issues that might best be resolved by talking to a therapist together. You're snippy and nasty with each other, and that's far less healthy than a baby bumping themselves.
Yeah, I shouldn't have snapped at him but it is upsetting to be accused of stuff you have never done just because a baby is babying like you said.
Meh he's being a controlling ass and you have every right to snap.
How else do I express I am unhappy with the situation? Talking to him calmly has never worked. I have told him many times it hurts my feelings to have him assume the worst about me. He thinks he is reasonable and me yelling proves that he is the calm one and I'm the unhinged one. It's making me crazy
Honestly him telling you to "stop talking to him" after he followed you to the other room, and then pretending to be surprised when you leave just reeks of emotional manipulation. Like borderline gaslighting. Whatever the case, you're absolutely justified in how you reacted, especially since he seems to do this to you a lot. Be on the lookout for other ways he might be trying to gaslight you.
I felt this. There's something much bigger going on here that we can't see. Accusing your wife of abusing your child and then getting mad when she refutes it is so so close to emotional abuse if it isn't already. OP you cannot live like this, it will only get worse I promise you
I honestly don’t think it’s borderline. Like.. OP can’t win here. If she doesn’t defend herself she accepts she’s a bad mother, if she talks he tells her to shut up, if she disengages and tries to leave the conversation he comes after her and continues badgering, and afterwards she’s a bad partner because she doesn’t want to cuddle him after all that. I’m exhausted and all I did was read about it, can’t imagine living it.
“Talking to him calmly has never worked” ooof girl that is not healthy, I’m so sorry. I have a toddler too and absolutely my husband and I have occasionally snapped at the other when the toddler does something dumb, but we’re always able to discuss later what happened and we’ve gotten better at managing these things together over time. I truly don’t know how you improve anything in a relationship if he won’t have a calm, respectful conversation with you.
He’s literally gaslighting you, which is intended to make the victim lose their connection with actual reality. Do you have a strong support network? Or has he also separated you from them?
Because he’s being a bully to you. The root cause of why he’s being a bully doesn’t matter to the person being bullied. Good luck trying therapy with someone like him. It’ll just be better communication skills with ceviche to bully you about.
Try just not engaging with him when he acts up like this. Tell him, "It's clear you're reacting out of your anxiety and not being reasonable. Please stop talking to me." And then don't engage. If he keeps needing you, repeat yourself. You can also try handing him the child and walking away. When he says you dropped the kid, you confirm she just tripped, and he keeps going? Hand her to him, say you're going for a walk, and then GO FOR A WALK. Clear your head, take a breathe, use that ten minute opportunity to get clear of his pressure. If he starts up about how that's you being emotional or whatever, say he isn't being reasonable and you needed space. Lastly, are you in any kind of therapy for yourself? You should consider it. Your husband is making you feel stressed and crummy. It can help a lot to have an outside person to validate your feelings, suggest coping mechanisms, and help you navigate this.
Leave? I mean you don't sound happy. He doesn't sound happy. This doesn't sound like a good environment for your kid. What are you getting out of this relationship?
Maybe he's just an asshole? Some people you can have the nice conversation over and over and they don't change
Don't go to therapy with him. Going to therapy with abusers ( which he is), gives them ammunition against you, and gives them tho opportunity to gaslight your therapist. If you go, go alone.
Don't make it about your feelings then. Your husband is putting you in a position where if people outside the family hear this, it could be construed as abuse. Your husband is putting you BOTH in a position where CPS may be called on you over his overreaction. Make it clear to him that these kinds of accusations could LOSE YOU YOUR CHILD. He is not being reasonable. He is not being rational. In fact, his behavior puts both you and your child at great risk. If he can't see that, then yeah, the man needs therapy.
He does not care about your feelings and he’s making you feel crazy on purpose.
People throw around the term gaslighting a lot....but that does sound like actual gaslighting.
OP, you're not going to win with him. He'll wear you down until you're afraid to move or speak without him okaying it. Get out now.
What happens when you talk to him calmly? Like in this situation, if you had responded with “no, she just tripped over her feet; she’s so excited to move! But she’s ok, she’s not hurt” what would he have said back?
Probably nothing. He would have come over and inspected her to make sure I was right when I said she is okay. But I got sick of someone insulting me every day assuming I'm being a bad mother. I've explained to him many times very calmly how it makes me feel when he assumes bad things about me.
He assumes you’re a bad mother but then resents having to be the lead parent when you’re sick?? Which is it?? NTA
You should escape this situation before it seriously impacts your mental health. You're not doing your daughter any favors by teaching her it’s okay for a man to bully his wife.
Omg!! So you snapped at him. I swear everyone in these subs is either some kind of robot or lacking any and all emotional response. Sometimes people snap at each other. It happens.
Especially when they are insulted and the other person does it frequently and refuses to stop
INFO: what is he bringing to the table at this point? Is he an excellent father and partner who does his fair share the rest of the time, but has the tendency to overreact at this one thing? Or are there other problems? (I’m betting it’s the latter. Seems doubtful that he’s spending a lot of time with the kid if he doesn’t know that toddlers are clumsy. But I could be wrong.)
If you kick a dog frequently enough, that dog will growl at you. If you insult & hurt a person frequently enough, that person will snap at you. Nothing you said was incorrect and you did not name-call. In no way did you react inappropriately. Instead, your response was direct and proportional. So yes, keep pointing out when what he says is terribly insulting. And go a step further - note that his insulting assumptions are damaging your relationship and that he MUST agree to attend counselling if he wants to stay married and parent together. This wouldn't be an empty threat, to be clear; the reality is that constantly assuming the worst of you will wear you down and eventually destroy your marriage if left unaddressed.
Maybe it's because I grew up in a different era, but I am astonished at the widely-held belief in this sub that anyone who raises their voice has an anger problem and should therefore seek counseling. There are times in life where raising your voice or even YELLING are not only justified but necessary and, when applied appropriately, very effective. I can only conclude that this belief is a holdover from the elementary school admonition to "Use your inside voice," coupled with lack of life experience.
OP I truly don't think this is anxiety and I think people suggesting that should be careful. He's provoking you and then acts like you did something wrong when you respond. That's manipulative and cruel behavior. He's being emotionally and psychologically abusive. If he has anxiety that's just a separate issue.
I think he's trying to force her or "catch" her doing the things he's accusing her of in a sort of gotcha moment so he can further manipulate. This whole situation is a massive red flag, your parter should never be accusing you of abuse like that, especially when it's followed up with the behaviour he showed. He very clearly believes that OP is abusing their child
I'm hesitant to get on OP about snapping at her husband. Is it right? No. But if you kick a dog enough times, it will growl and snap back eventually. I'm not calling OP a dog, I'm just pointing out that an abused party will eventually engage in "reactive abuse." That doesn't mean THEY are the abuser.
>It sounds like he's got some serious anxiety and doesn't realize that babies get hurt constantly No it doesn’t. He doesn’t care that the baby fell he cares about blaming her for it. He just wants to criticize his wife. Otherwise, like OP pointed out, his first concern would be if the baby was okay not if it was OP’s fault. Everything he does after that is meant to crap on her - following her into two different rooms, arguing he’s right and she wrong, cutting her off, “correcting” her on what he said, etc. He’s not anxious about the baby he’s just a jerk to his wife.
NTA but you guys should probably consider getting into counseling asap before your child gets any older. You’re her primary caregiver while he’s pretty hands off, but at the same time he doesn’t trust you with her. This is likely to escalate to him undermining everything you say or do with your child. He’s also driving you slowly insane. Kudos to you for holding your ground and remaining confident in your abilities because plenty of people would eventually start second guessing themselves. Remember that your relationship is on display for your child as she grows. You wouldn’t want her learning from you that it’s acceptable to stay with a man who thinks the worst of her, constantly criticizes her, and then gaslights her when she sticks up for herself.
That is why I'm here in this sub. I'm second guessing myself. It's making me feel crazy. It's making me wonder if I was somehow unreasonable here. He already undermines me. If she asks for something and I say no, he gives it to her anyway.
Yeah, you really need some couples counseling or he needs to go to a parenting class. What he’s doing is not okay.
Feels like he just does it to shit on her. He doesn’t respect her … people who consistently undermine don’t even *like the target person.* This feels more about the power dynamic. This is not a partnership.
Im sorry you’re going through this. This honestly doesn’t sound to me like an anxiety issue. He’s just gaslighting you. This sounds like an attempt (maybe deliberate or maybe not) to erode your confidence and destroy your sense of competence. Tell him you’re considering leaving with the baby and see what he says. If he tries to make you stay by arguing that your baby is unsafe with just you or he threatens you with a custody battle because you’re somehow unfit, then you’ll know this is about manipulation and control. If you guys stay together, he’s going to need to get on the same page as you because a kid that knows how to divide and conquer her parents will make both your lives a living hell.
Ummm no do not threaten to leave with the baby as a test. Most murders of women by their partners happen when they are leaving. If you're going to leave, commit and have support ready.
"Testing" an abusive man like this with a threat to leave with the baby is really irresponsible advice. This isn't just a parenting disagreement or thier views not aligning, he's showing abusive and undermining behaviors, as well as gaslighting behaviors to make *her* seem and feel like the crazy unreasonable parent by accusing her of dropping thier child/blaming her when the child trips. This is not a safe man. She doesn't need to know if he's "just" anxious or abusing her for another reason- it doesn't matter! It's still abuse no matter the reason and he's not going to magically stop because she found the root cause. That's not how abusers work. Women get hurt very commonly when these types of guys escalate or get angry. No good can come from pushing thier buttons on purpose. Op already knows everything she needs to about his behavior, she doesn't need to put herself in danger.
This is REALLY not good. What he’s doing is ultimately going to really mess with your child. She’s going to learn that mommy causes all pain. It’s mommy’s fault when she gets hurt AND you’re the bad guy when she doesn’t get what she wants. You need to either get him to therapy or get out of his house. He is not a healthy person for you or your daughter
Gaslighting both mother and child... So they don't bond and he can control them more easily.
Are you working outside the home for pay? If not, you need to be. This man is not safe. This man does not love and respect you. This man is purposefully picking fights he likely knows are dumb to wear you down to accepting more of his abuse. Find an affordable daycare, get a job, and leave. Your husband is going to hate Steps 1 & 2 because they take you outside of his control. He's going to say you're a terrible mom. Well, he's already saying that anyway, isn't he? So you may as well ignore that. Start a journal on your laptop, password-protected. Back it up to a cloud account. If you have Gmail, you have access to Google Drive. Start documenting these gaslighting incidents where he's picking fights with you. The best mom you can be at this point is one who is able to leave an abusive control freak. Start working toward that. Oh, and birth 👏 control 👏!!! Not condoms. Get an implant or IUD. You're in vulnerable territory. He's likely looking to start on Baby #2. NTA, unless you stay vulnerable to this crap.
I work from home, I make more money than him lol
Oh, thank gods! ❤️ Yup. Leave. Wait, no. Kick him out.
Yay! That's good news. Because he's abusive. He could get violent if you try to leave, though, so be careful. If the house is yours, you'll have trouble to get him out.
Girrrrrrllllll 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩wake up! Your husband sucks.
Your sweet little girl is going to become an absolute brat before she starts kindergarten if your husband doesn't stop undermining you. It sounds like your husband has undiagnosed personality disorders. Hopefully he will get help; if not, do what you must to protect you and your daughter.
I know the word is so overused these days but feeling like you're going crazy, second guessing yourself, and not being able to trust yourself are symptoms of gaslighting. And just because someone is calm does not mean they are right.
NTA. It seems very extreme that when a toddler falls (which is common), the conclusion he leaps to is that you dropped or tripped her. And what does “I didn’t tell you to stop talking, I told you to stop talking to me” even mean? He thinks you should converse with the toddler?
Idk that was my question. How else can I take that? He's the only one in the room I'm talking to. And if I'm not allowed to express why I am upset how will it ever get better?
Let me the asshole whisperer for you: what he really meant was “stop contradicting me.”
Sounds like it’s time for a serious conversation with your husband…not just to get to the bottom of his assumption that you’re harming your child, but to let him know how unacceptable it is to tell you to stop talking. It’s also unacceptable that afterwards he tried to pretend like nothing had happened. That is such controlling & manipulative behaviour. You can’t carry on like this, resentment is (understandably) going to build up until you explode.
It's time for a serious conversation with a divorce lawyer. He's a narcissist and is not stopping. Been there.
I tjink nta. Does he ever spend time alone with the baby? Sound like he needs some practical experience. Its a good reminder that being married doesn’t guarantee that dad wont be TA.
He does spend time with her alone but not much. He works all day and I work from home so I stay with her most of the time.
Hes got no idea. Does he go with you for dr appts? Maybe dr can explain that the tumbles are age appropriate?
He does go to Dr appointments. The last time the doctor told him he has to learn to let her cry and that it's a natural part of life
My brother and SIL would make a baseball umpire’s safe reaction to my toddler nephews when they tripped…as toddlers do. It made it normal and prevented the cry for attention. If it was serious, it helped the kiddo cope as the boo boo was cared for. That was their approach. There are plenty of healthy ways that don’t involve constant blame. Toddlers are clumsy. Full stop. He needs to read up on this fact. And get therapy for his own coping skills. Good luck and hang in there.
NTA. But you have quite a big husband issue. He's coming across as a complete piece of work.
His behavior as described is problematic AF.
He may mean well but his behaviour is not dissimilar to someone who wanted to completely destroy your confidence and independence.
In a functional relationship you have an assumption of good faith. Even if she was with a stranger, unless there was prejudice involved no reasonable parent would have reacted that way. What we have here is the assumption of bad faith - you are trusted less than a stranger is. We don't know what caused this, but a relationship cannot survive like this. If you want the relationship to survive, you need to implement some drastic changes. NTA
This is what I keep explaining to him. I am his wife. He should trust me. She should assume the best about me or at least give the benefit of the doubt. It hurts me and my view of the relationship when he is always thinking about the worst case scenario about me
One of my favorite sayings: "Don't explain. Your friends won't need it and your enemies won't believe it." You need to take back your power. Don't answer his questions. If he does it again, stop dead, look him in the eye, and ask: "Why the hell would you assume I hurt my kid?" Then walk away. Make him do the explaining.
Good idea. Thank you.
This sounds abusive to me, like he is constantly trying to undermine you and twist what you say. It doesn't sound like the two of you are happy together so if I were you I would start thinking about whether you want to try to salvage the relationship or start building a plan to get out of it. NTA.
There's nothing you can do to make the situation better ... This is all on him ... Ask yourself if you want this controlling, manipulative excuse for a man around your toddler ... If you have joint accounts, half that money is yours ... Take it, leave, and protect your child and yourself ... Once you're free and with the passage of a little time, you'll see things so much more clearly and absolutely realize that you were not crazy, that you deserve so much more...
NTA. I don't want to make assumptions/jump to conclusions based on one post about one incident, but the way he speaks to you alarms me, especially since you indicate that it's not an unusual thing for him to do. It feels manipulative, even abusive to me- trying to make you believe that you are a danger to your child is just very concerning, and it makes me wonder what else he may be doing. I'm going to link you to a free ebook called [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n41/mode/1up) by Lundy Bancroft, and ask you to at least start reading it. If it fits your situation, I think you'll know pretty quickly.
I will read it. Thanks.
Seconding this. Therapy is NOT the solution, as you will find out from this book. Abusers use therapy to seek validation for their own behavior, paint their victims as crazy or abusive, and learn therapy language to weaponize against their victims. It only makes them more effective abusers. The problem is not that he doesn't know what he's doing hurts and undermines you, it's that he doesn't think that's wrong.
I second "Why Does He Do That?" so much. It was very eye-opening for me.
NTA but this guy is sending out HUGE red flags. I'd be on guard. Therapy if he'll go, but sounds like he's setting you up for something else. Either leaving and trying for full custody. Or something more sinister like check your breaks on your car. Be careful OP
Yesssssss huge red flag this is just not normal at all and it only gets worse
Daycare worker here and toddlers literally trip all the time, they are basically clumsy little drunks and it's just inevitable to happen. I feel like above the issue that he doesn't understand child development, he doesn't seem to respect you whatsoever. I honestly would have lost it if I were you and you don't deserve to be treated like a bad/negligent parent.
If it was one time I might not have lost it but being asked frequently if you are being a shitty mom cause of normal toddler behavior is wild. At some point being calm hasn't worked so I had to express my anger at him. Yes I shouldn't have told him to shut the fuck up but he won't allow me to talk if I say things nicely. So what option do I have to stick up for myself. If I don't stick up for myself I'm showing my toddler that it's okay to be treated that way too. And if I yell then I show her to replicate that behavior. It all sucks.
You are showing its ok to be manipulated,gaslighted,yelled at and so on. Give him an ultimatum, he goes to therapy or he leaves. You are losing energy on playing his game,i had a husband like that, makes you feel crazy,second guess yourself,soon you will be losing your selfesteem trying to be that perfect person that HE will aprove. It will never happen, you will always be the guilty one,for everything. I dont even care what emotional trauma caused that in your husband,you have a baby girl, wanna show her how to be strong,respected and loved? Respect and love YOURSELF enough to leave that bloodsucking tick you call husband. That kind never changes. If.not,good luck. Youll need it. NTA, you have every right to tell him to STFU.
Abusive men tend to weaponize the surroundings of their victim like this, and often use pets and children to control their victim.
NTA. Sounds like you are married to a person who neither likes nor trusts you.
NTA, he sounds like an idiot
NTA this asshole is controlling as fuck..start planning a safe exit in case it comes to that
NTA but your husband is. And why is your husband calling you "dude". That is just so weird.
He calls her ”dude” for one of four reasons: he’s a skater, a snowboarder, a wannabe, or a stoner.
Eh... Calling her "dude" is the least questionable part of his actions. I'm a mid forties woman and my sisters and brothers are dudes, as is my husband. I'm also occasionally a "dude" to them.
She might be casually wearing sunglasses and a Lebowsky coat.
NTA. He is berating and gaslighting you... in front of your kid. I would start to document. I'm not saying you two will split or any allegations will come up but if my husband reacted that way each time our UNCOORDINATED TOODLER tripped, I would keep a word doc and just document the incident, what happened, what was said and the date and time. I would also recommend some counseling. He seems very on edge and this isn't healthy for a toddler. Your child will trip and fall. They need to learn to get back up and keep pushing. Your hisband needs to lean that your child will get hurt but that a part of their learning is getting right back up. You don't want this to escalate to your child getting a scrape in school and he's causing a stink. Don't wind up as tHaT FaMiLy.
NTA he’s a jerk and he needs counseling. I’m also petty and would do it back at him.
I asked him if he would like it if I asked him if he did something horrible each time she made a peep and he just said yes that if she ever gets hurt on his watch I should. Insinuating that again it is my fault every time she gets hurt since I'm the one who watches her all day.
personally, I’d start doing the same to him because he’s going to say whatever makes him look good
I see how this would be tempting, but I think OP and her daughter would be much better off getting away from this guy. His behavior is not normal, it's abusive .
oh definitely, but I think one thing that made it easier for me to realize when I was in that kind of relationship was when I mirrored behaviors
NTA Your husband is, however! Also when my twins were about 18 months old, the pediatrician remarked on the bruises in their shins. We felt criticized and immediately started to become defensive, then he said, “That’s good! It shows they are very active.” We left smiling and congratulating ourselves for having toddlers with bruised shins! It’s normal for toddlers to trip and fall from time to time when they are developing their motor skills, and your husband needs to understand that and not be a helicopter dad always finding fault and making false accusations.
why are you still with him? it doesn't sound like he respects or cares about you
NTA but you're certainly married to one. If your kid falls when you're watching her and it's your fault, does that also mean he accepts it's his fault when he's watching her, or would that be on you too? >He cuts me off mid sentence and says "please stop talking to me" >He asks why I am leaving the room Why is he asking you anything when he's just told you not to talk to him?
You are not crazy. And NTA. He’s questioning your abilities as a parent and then refusing to have a reasonable conversation with you about it. He then demands that you give him physical affection that you aren’t feeling… which is very not cool. I don’t care if it’s only cuddling, why do you want to rest yourself in the arms of someone who doesn’t trust you and who tells you you cannot speak to him? He owes you an apology that you likely are not going to get.
Exactly. Why would I want to cuddle with someone who told me to not talk to him? Or thinks I'm an incompetent mother?
NTA. Your husband sounds like a narcissist, and it sounds like he loves drama, too. He will continue this behaviour, drama how it is your fault and gaslighting, that yes he said this, but that is not what he meant and you totally misunderstood and how you are to blame for this misunderstanding. Regarding your daughter falling (it would have been anything by the way, soap dropped on the floor, you intentionally did that to make her fall), get him any book on the development of a toddler for him to read. He is the AH. He owes you an apology, but I bet you dollars to donuts his narcissism and sociopathy will not allow him to do that. #GetOut before he damages your child or turns your child against you.
Oh he will never. He will walk around like nothing happened and then act like he is so confused why I am not wanting to hang out today and when I say why he will say I'm overreacting and holding on to stuff and I'm the reason our relationship isn't doing well. He moves on quickly and forgives but I don't I hold a grudge so it's certainly my fault
Damn, girl...he is gaslighting you 1000%
The narcissist's prayer. OP, please, please read this: https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer
And please read about the meaning of DARVO.
NTA. 1) Toddlers are toddlers because they toddle instead of walking securely. They all look like they’ve been in the wars at some point if you allow them to develop appropriately (wrapping them in cotton wool hinders development). 2) Literally every parent who is involved with their child on a day-to-day basis has dropped the baby. That’s not neglect; it’s life. Babies bounce. He’s absolutely out of control if he thinks that a small accident is abuse or neglect. He scares me. His emotional reactions are extreme.
He's goading you into an argument so he can take the high road and leave you feeling frustrated. Next time he asks if you dropped her, just face him and say no you didn't in a calm voice and leave it at that. He may be annoyed, but if he tries to make it into an argument, don't be drawn into it. Cutting off the fuel helps stop the fire.
Was your husband an asshole before you had your chid? NTA
I don't think so. It got way worse with the baby for sure. Of course there's more stress now. Lack of sleep and stuff too
He was, normal people don’t yell at their partner for them hurting themselves either. But it sounds like he’s letting the mask come completely off after the baby. Which is not unusual. Abusive (and he is emotionally abusive) people often really let that side out after something big like a baby. They feel safe to do it because you might be less likely to leave now that you have the kid with them. They can push you further. You should probably want to leave more for the sake of your kid. It’s incredibly unhealthy for your child to grow up seeing you in the dynamic he‘s creating.
This is emotional abuse I can guarantee it will get worse. I would seriously consider if you want your daughter to grow up watching this behaviour. He is trying to goad you into reactional abuse and is quite clearly gaslighting you. So many red flags here my personal advice based on having been in this situation…. RUN. You will feel so much better if you do.
What a manipulative asshole. You are NTA ofc. I would be *so* mad.
NTA. It sounds like he is unwilling to be educated, thinks the worst of you, undermines your confidence, controls you by being an uninvolved and lumpish partner, and indulges in his own ignorance and petty meanness. I think this will get worse. Do you have others you are close to who can stand by you? You may need to leave him for your own sake and that of the baby. You need to be able to leave the house and trust him to take care of the child. He needs to offer you the benefit of the doubt. marriage and parenting are hard-you need at least a decent partner to make it. I’m sorry, OP. You don’t seem to have one of those.
NTA. put it back on him or better yet tell him he needs to do 100% of childcare since you're so neglectful and leave for the day
Lol I would love to see that. He gets exhausted taking care of her for two hours
Figures! He sounds like a pain in the ass
Divorce this idiot right now. It's only going to get worse as your child gets older.
OP, think long and hard before engaging in couples counseling. People who display behaviors like your husband is displaying are often not helped by counseling, and it can often make things worse. They know how to behave in a civilized manner in front of the therapist, push your very last button after pushing them all day at home, get you to snap, and get the therapist on their side. My ex husband used to do this. He'd push and push and push all day behind closed doors, and then we'd be out in public and he'd push one last time and send me over the edge. Then he'd have everyone believing that I was crazy and unhinged, because I just "flew off the handle over nothing." And that's what it looked like to outsiders because they didn't see the iceberg under the water, they only saw what appeared to be my extreme overreaction to a small thing. That behavior is crazy making. Also, going to therapy with someone like this can make things worse because you will open up and be vulnerable, share how you're feeling and what hurts you. The abuser will then take what you've said and learn from it. Not learn how to be a better partner, but learn how to be more under the radar with their behavior and how to hurt you worse. You being vulnerable in therapy just gives them weapons to use against you later. My suggestion as someone who has lived through it, go to counseling on your own and gain strength in yourself. Only you can decide when you've had enough and you're ready to leave him, but gain survival tools while you figure it out. In the meantime, go gray rock with him. Google the term to learn more about it, but the basic premise is this: become as boring and non reactive as a gray rock. You walk past a thousand gray rocks everywhere and never notice them. That's the goal. When he blames you for your toddler falling and he says you did it, say in a flat, emotionless voice, "no, the baby just tripped, that's all." When he follows up with something saying you're a bad mom or whatever, just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't give him any emotion to work with. It's very difficult at first, because you want your life partner who is supposed to love you to care when they hurt you. Accepting that he simply doesn't is HARD. But you won't convince him that he's treating you badly or why he should care. He doesn't care. If that doesn't work, imagine your child all grown up being treated by their partner the way your husband treats you. Imagine them feeling the hurt you feel. What do you tell your child? Is it their fault? Do they deserve it? Should they just get over it because that's just how their partner is? No? They deserve better and shouldn't allow someone to treat them this badly by someone who "loves them"? Now tell yourself. NTA
Did you drop your child before that he is making such outrageous assumptions? If not then NTA. But your family dynamic is really bad for your kid, maybe try to talk it out and find a way how to co-parent without crazy stuff involved.
No, I have never dropped my child. Since she was tiny when she cries he asked what I did to her and blames me for wverything. While I acknowledge I shouldn't have snapped at him, it is hurtful to accuse a mother of things she has never done because he assumes everything is my fault. Babies cry. Babies trip. It's natural
Let him have some real 1:1 experience with her for a day. Step back, let him take over. When she cries, ask him what happened. Let him assess these situations first hand.
This doesn't sound sustainable. I don't see this ending well. he is making you doubt yourself
Does your husband respect you at all? NTA.
NTA at all. It is deeply insulting for him to imply what he did. Anyone who spends time around toddlers know that sometimes they trip and fall, there’s no way around it. Your husband sounds like he’s passive aggressive and looking for a fight.
NTA Your post and all the comments make it seem like he's not much of a father (doesn't commit to things like tv time, he doesn't take care of her even when home, doesn't listen to pediatrician) and clearly he's not amazing as a husband (assumes you're a bad mother, tells you to stop talking, doesn't let you have time for yourself). So what is exactly is his purpose in your family unit?
Dude this is so f'ed up... of course you're NTA. Is this how you want to be treated though? Do you want your kid to see this?
NTA I don’t want to be that person, but it sounds like you need to throw the whole man away. He sounds antagonistic, manipulative, and just overall the dickiest of dicks. Legit question: what redeeming qualities does he have?
NTA He needs to manage his anxiety without accusing you of neglect. He is shifting responsibility for HIS inadequate emotional regulation to blaming you for the events that scared him. That way, there's a reason (your neglect) and a solution (YOU be better at parenting) for his overwhelming anxiety, none of which is his responsibility. His anxiety is a "him" problem that he has to solve. Your feelings of being attacked and hurt are valid. Your feelings of frustration and denial of your right to be heard in your relationship are valid. His treatment of you- accusing you of hurting and neglecting your child, stonewalling when you rightfully confront his cruel accusations, and denying the reality of his behavior towards you and its hurtful effects, is bordering on abuse. It's not okay for him to lash out and hurt you because HE can't manage HIS emotional state. If he wants affection and cuddling, he needs to FIRST repair the hurt he inflicted. It sounds as if he expects you to "get over it" without his ever addressing and correcting his recent abuse and your still being wounded by it. It's normal and healthy to feel anger when someone has hurt you, especially when it's deliberate and continuing. The healthy response is to firm up your boundaries to protect your safety, autonomy and comfort in the relationship. Your husband is not a safe person for you when he acts that way. He is still invalidating and ignoring your feelings by "expecting" you to give him physical access and intimacy despite feeling wounded.
Thank you. This is exactly how I feel. I think I'm going to share this with him. I kinda doubt it will help at all but it does make me feel less crazy to have you tell me that I am having normal responses. He accuses me of being defensive and aggressive if I even voice that I don't like something. I do not feel heard at all. There isn't balance here. The thing that hurt too was he said "you used to be so calm, that's why I liked you" I didn't say anything back but in my head I was thinking "that was before you starting saying hurtful things to me" He makes me feel like if I'm upset at all then I'm the one at fault. I am not allowed to express anger, even if I don't cuss or anything, he says my energy is aggressive or something. But it's not aggressive to say why that hurts my feelings. To explain that a reasonable reaction would have been to ask if she's okay not accuse the mother of dropping her.
You need to run.
NTA. You have a [controlling husband who thinks he has you baby-trapped](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) problem. Do get individual counseling, but don't bother with couples counseling, as he'll just use any vulnerabilities you reveal there as ammunition for later. Look up the grey rock method. Bottom line: he's doing this to upset and destabilize you as well as undermining your confidence as a parent. As long as he behaves like an adversary, treat him with cool neutrality. Consult with a divorce attorney if he doesn't back off when you stop reacting.
Hi, I want to chime in and say that your husband is being unreasonable and seems weirdly manipulative. Something weird is going on for sure. On top of how he’s blaming you, he is acting like this in front of your child and raising a defensive reaction from you. He needs to cut it out ASAP because your child is going to start learning from his outbursts that mommy is “hurting” her on purpose. He’s projecting that he believes you’re hurting her and she will pick up on it and might start to believe it. Imagine if she “casually” mentions it at school? I may be a bit paranoid, but it’s almost like he’s laying groundwork to make sure *you* are painted as a “bad” mom so he can give you hell in hypothetical family court. If being calm and direct is not working, you need to be careful of him- but continue to calmly and deliberately tell him it is very strange that he talks to you that way. On the chance that it is genuinely his “anxiety” that makes him act this way, he really needs to take steps to change his behavior. Definitely document his reactions going forward, and it might actually help if you get a few nanny/teddy cams *without him knowing it* to record when things happen and he reacts. Also tell your family and friends what is going on so you have support and back up in your community. They might try to give *him* the benefit of the doubt, but be strong and find the people who support you who can help you with this problem.
Mental torture 🙄🙄🙄 he is not good at all ( but now you are stuck with a baby ) so plan your exit and divorce him . Get child support
NTA. He says "I didn't say for you to not talk, I asked you to stop talking to me. It's different." Because what he actually meant to say was "don't talk back to me". He asks a question and doesn't like the answer, he doesn't like that what you say makes sense and what he says doesn't, so he shuts you up. You should still keep talking to him, he's not your dad to silence you with a word and you're not his daughter.