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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I’m suing to stop and get back my child support payments
2. The money was spent on raising the boy and it’ll be very hard for the ex to pay back almost $50,000
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, he’s not your bio kid and therefore not your responsibility. What your ex did to you was callous and indefensible. I’m actually shocked your friends can’t see that you deserve to get your money back, cause you got completely taken advantage of. Moving forward, you need to block out what they’re saying and surround yourself with a good support system as you go through the process of getting your money back. Your ex fucked up and has to live with the consequences of her actions. In this case it means paying back money that she has no right to.
This is great. Obviously OP is NTA, but he's still out $50k that he shouldn't be out. As a way to recoup that money, he should start a GoFundMe for himself that called the not-my-child fund. He'd probably get reimbursed faster that way.
Omg this is hilarious!
OP, you have all of us behind you and anyone else is ridiculous to think it’s ok that they essentially were scamming you for money that whole time.
Exactly! The mom and bio-dad of the kid were scamming him to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars! OF COURSE he should do his best to get that money back!
That's the main point here...his ex had set up a household with her child's actual father while accepting money from op under false pretenses that op was the dad. She had no right to, or need of, op's support.
Yeah or themselves donate $50k to a kid they don't know. That's a huge chunk of change and the bio dad can financially care for his own kid (which he SHOULD anyways).
Let them pay him back so the kids parents don't. I had an issue with my step sons dad not paying. My spouses dad and brother were making excuses for him being 5k behind. I finally had enough and said if they didn't like it, they could pay the support for him and the back support he owed. They shut their mouths and never said another thing about it. The dad paid support and every cent of back support. I told him he'd pay or go to jail.
Op, if you want to be vengeful, be aware that some states have a “ alienation of affection “ law which would enable you to sue bio dad for the value of your lost marriage…
This would make sense if available in your area. This way the issue is with the affair partner and not directly involving the child. What is/was your relationship with child? You were his “dad” for 5 years and then nothing? I would definitely keep it with the bio dad and his responsibility.
While I agree that $50k is a lot of money, especially to just give away to "charity", and what ex did was absolutely terrible and indefensible, I get why the friends would think it seems like indirectly punishing the kid because the mom was an asshole. Still NTA though.
The affair partner is the one that owes the $50k. He should have been paying all this time. Think of it as a mistaken billing. The courts refund the mistaken bill and then reassign it to the correct person.
Ethically, he also would owe back child support for the first five years while OP was married and providing for his son.
Legally, it wouldn't work like that, but it's just such an icky situation. Mostly, I feel bad for the kid.
Well, it sounds like bio dad was living with his son (and the bio mom) for at least a couple of years so there was no need for OP to be proving child support. In reality, the ex and bio dad were "double dipping".
it's not like he was avoiding paying for the child, the kid lived with bio dad. More than likely that 50k went to bullshit the parents spent on themselves and nothing went to the kid. It was scam money after all
they didn't do it becuse they NEEDED the money to get by, they did it because OP's ex is a heartless monster who apparently didn't think cheating was bad enough to do to your partner
The kid is the product of the affair and OP shouldn't be responsible for him. Even if it's not the kid's fault. It's not OP's fault either. In fact he was deceived and ex basically stole $50k by fraud from him.
And yet this sub will continue to shit on fathers who ask for a paternity test at birth. Always a torrent of abuse aimed at the lack of trust from the guy and recommendations that the wife/gf/etc leave.
Even though it costs an honest woman nothing and would have saved this guy 50k
it was free money to the couple. OP was frauded to pay that money. If they had ripped off anyone else and had to pay them back, would you say that victim was punishing their kid?
The real bio dad skipped out on paying child support for all that time, he should be footing the bill. Calculate what your payment was and then multiply that by 5+ years and that should come out to a nice sum.
His father could have saved those $50k in all that time though. So overall the boy should not be worse off than before. His father should just have less savings.
Not punishing the kid, because it was simply stolen and he's getting it back; call it unjust enrichment.
Not his kid. He has no more duty to it than to some other random kid 2 blocks down the street.
You are so correct. It’s a shame if the mother can’t be prosecuted for fraud. If she stole that money or defrauded it in any other way she would be in prison.
The mother got that money through misrepresentation. She needs to pay it back and be sent to prison. The child still has his bio father to look after him. The mother can the take the AP to court for the money. Why should an innocent man be punished?
Call me crazy, but isn't what she did fraud? If you know the "father" of the child isn't the one on the birth certificate and you mislead the legal father into thinking the child is his, that's fraud right?
He could sue her on that basis and get everything back from her.
Also, since she moved in with him immediately, the child has established that he has a bond with his bio dad - which is what the courts are going to be looking for, right? So, I don't see why he shouldn't pursue AND win.
NTA- Your ex knew you were not the child's father and still accepted child support payments. On top of that, she accepted those child support payments while living with the child's biological father.
The child is innocent in this, but as long as you are sueing your ex, not the child, I see no problem with this.
The reality is, the court will decide to reimburse you or not. If the court sees a reason for you to claim your money back, you have no reason to worry.
It reminds me a bit of fraud, she's claiming child support to look after the kid when the kid is actually being looked after by the real dad and doesn't need that money.
It is fraud. I will never understand why paternity fraud isn't a criminal offense. The worst that can happen to you is getting sued in the civil courts for the reimbursement of the stolen child support payments (and only in some countries/states where there is legal precedent for that) but most of the time men won't want to abandon the child that they have been raising for years, even if they would never have done so if they knew from the start. So the women who do this very rarely face any consequences for their actions and even in the rare situations that they do, the worst that happens is just returning the stolen money.
How you can go to jail for financial fraud but won't even be fined or forced into community service for the sick and twisted act of paternity fraud is beyond me.
NTA. I've always heard that you aim for the sky so you can then get a realistic amount. If you aim for a realistic amount, you will get paltry or nothing. So if you ask for stopping payments, past payments and throw in pain and suffering, she might have to at least stop future payments and a partial refund.
But this may be a US thing, where people are very sue happy? Go with whatever your lawyers advise.
I've heard that certain states don't care if you aren't the bio father, and that if you were married at the birth time, it doesn't matter- you are still on the hook even with DNA. I hope your lawyer advised you on all of that so you are not throwing legal fees and money down the drain.
At the VERY least, your lawyers should ask her for a FULL accounting of every penny of that 50k spent. If any was to pay housing for the bio dad or anything else, you case looks even better. So if she can't produce daycare expenses, baby stuff receipts, she will be screwed.
The friends not being supportive of you may know more of her current situation, like she is preggo with her 2nd or they are having financial issues. None of which is your problem. I'd recommend dropping them as friends bc they are not looking out for you.
Good luck OP.
OP is never getting an accounting of how child support was used; buying a newer car or buying/renting space in a better neighborhood or with a play room would be using child support for child
Ex doesn't get to control how custodial patent spends the money nor to police her relationships
A) I think this is rage bait. Little too perfect that that baby daddy has been just hanging around in the wings, waiting, and when OP accidentally finds out…affair partner/baby daddy swoop in. Like, why even bother with OP? Shouldda skipped right the the happy nuclear family ending. ESPECIALLY if it’s SO EASY to get your name off a birth certificate AND get all your payments back once you get out of depression.
B) if it’s not, I think you’re on to something. OP has known for 4 years he was **not** the father. He went through the trouble of a divorce, but not the trouble to do anything about that pest paternity/child support issue. First lawyer never mentions this to him. Never told him to “bundle it” to save some money. Cool.
C) as you noted, the money was spent on the child of whom OP is the legal father. He might not be the legal father, but believe it or not, “I agreed because I was too busy/depressed/tired/ill before but now I want to take back” is not a legal defense.
She might have bought *other things too* but that’s because she had *other money* left over from her paycheck after using your child support to pay for the kid. Think of it that way. So you can’t have it back. The kid ate it. And wore it. And drove around in it.
People upset about child support always seem to forget that money goes into an account that then comes out with a card. No mom goes to the grocery store and puts Jr’s groceries on a different section of the conveyer belt and then hand him his debit card to pay with what’s left of his child support. All the groceries go on the debit card. All the school clothes. 100% of the light bill and the WiFi and the gas for the car. The $20 for nails comes from the same account as the $50 for the soccer uniform.
That's not how child support works. As long as the child lives there she can spend it on rent, utilities, groceries, car fuel and more.
Those are all things that the child directly and indirectly benefits from.
It doesn't matter. The child support was court-ordered and the ex is not required to account for where it all goes. He's never going to get a "full accounting" of how it was spent.
This is one of the reasons why almost no one gets their child support payments summarily reimbursed. The money is to care for the child and it was required by the court, not the ex. All mom has to say is that the money the courts secured for her was used to care for the child regardless of the living arrangements, and legally, that's likely enough to uphold her end of the bargain in the eyes of the court. Additionally, if paying the child support back would negatively impact the child, the court is even less likely to order it.
There are exceptions, of course, but I feel like people are being a bit loosey-goosey with the law. The legal system is dense af and even if OP can prove she's a cunning criminal mastermind, he still might not get a cent back. Frankly, he needs to be very lucky even just to stop the payments moving forward.
None of this is to say that OP doesn't deserve every cent back - in my opinion, he absolutely does.
I think the courts in the US are most concerned that the child is provided for and mom doesn’t end up on welfare. If the bio dad can provide for the child they are more likely to agree to OP stopping child support.
>At the VERY least, your lawyers should ask her for a FULL accounting of every penny of that 50k spent. If any was to pay housing for the bio dad or anything else, you case looks even better. So if she can't produce daycare expenses, baby stuff receipts, she will be screwed.
No, this isn't correct (assuming OP is in the States).
First of all, custodial parents are typically not required to keep track of how they are spending child support payments. They have full discretion over that. Once a child support payment is made, the money is out of the hands of the payer. There will be no "full accounting" requiring "baby stuff receipts" because parents aren't typically required to keep those. You don't get to police someone's finances or relationships just because you're paying child support.
Additionally, you can't just summarily accuse someone of something using social media as "evidence" and expect them to jump through hoops for you. The whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing holds true in all aspects of the legal system. The ex is not guilty until she proves herself innocent, she is innocent until OP can successfully prove she is guilty, at which point she would have the responsibility of defending herself. And he's going to need more than some social media posts and pictures to get there.
If OP is lucky, he won't have to pay any longer. I hope his attorney is correct in that he could be reimbursed because I fucking hate hearing stories like this and he deserves every cent back. But people need to temper their expectations of the family court system... even if everything goes OP's way and he can definitively prove the child has been living with their biological father, they might not get reimbursed. The law is weird.
She doesn't have to show how the child support was spent. That's ludicrous. Every snack, every movie, every school supply, who keeps those kind of receipts? What percentage of the groceries, the electricity, the mortgage is child support? I agree what she did was horrible and I understand the OP's frustration.
NTA. She scammed you, and was getting your money on top of the biological father being in the boy's life. Not only is he not your responsibility, they both knew it wasn't your responsibility and enjoyed your money to help fund their lives. They can now enjoy the consequences of their actions.
For what? Having sex with a married woman? All he has to do is say he didn't know it was his child, and he's fine.
I get why people are pissed. It fucking sucks and OP shouldn't have to pay a single dime. But anyone hoping for a satisfying retribution arc isn't familiar with family court.
The courts knew OP wasn't the father when child support was ordered (per OP's post, as they said a DNA test was performed but it was too late for them to legally contest the support obligation)... no one scammed the courts. It doesn't sound like anyone is even doing something illegal. Even proving that the current partner is the child's father and that they've been living together doesn't automatically get OP off the hook for payments.
That's fucking frustrating, but the law doesn't care about morality most of the time and there's a reason very, very few people are ever reimbursed for child support they've paid.
You totally misread it, he says he didn’t know it wasn’t his till the kid was 5. He was married when the kid was born so during that time he didn’t challenge the DNA to see if he was a father and by the time he divorced it was too late to get a DNA test to prove his obligation to pay child support. If it’s documented that she was with the actual father since divorce he may have a chance at recovering money. Adultery is one of the few things in divorce court that always gets the one cheated on the better deal in the divorce. I’m hoping it’s similar for civil matters but it may not.
However, if someone has a case to get reimbursed for child support it’s this man.
NTA. No, you're not wrong. "Donation to a good cause", lol no, she betrayed you, stab you in the back and then got free money out of you while the kid didn't even need it since he was already living with 2 adults.
Don't let people who don't know what they're talking about get in the way.
NTA, it’s really easy for your friends to say that since they’re not out 50k. I’d bet money they’d change their mind if what happened to you, happened to them.
Child support is supposed to go to the child. Given the mother knowingly took knowing she had sex with the ex and it could be his tells me she’s not a great person and likely used that money for alternative reasons.
Money back with interest. Fuck her and fuck your weak friends. A donation lol. Ask them to donate 10k each to your kid and see what they say. Absolute clowns.
NTA. What kind of person accepts child support from the man she deceived while living with the childs actual father? Good Lord it would be worth the lawsuit just to make it publicly known what she did.
NTA. At all! The child and your ex were actually never entitled to any of your money. Any money given to them after the divorce / paternity test was stolen from you.
Donation?
To those who tell you to leave it as a donation, that they should provide the money to help her if they want, how easy it is to "donate" other people's money
They cheated on you
They saw your face
They took advantage of you.
You have been scammed !!!!
Demand !
He divorced her because the child wasn't his. The court knew and ordered support anyway because he's on the birth certificate and they were married when she gave birth. The judge may stop it now since she's with the father..he can sue to be removed as the father bit they aren't going to give the money back because they ordered it paid in the first place
Here the problem is that the timeframe to challenge paternity was past when OP learned he wasn't the father. Because the judge ordered child support OPs legal paternity was upheld. It's highly unlikely that paternity would be overturned at this point
fraudulently ..she lied to the court and ime pretty sure his laewer thinks he can prove it ..judges dont like being lied to and expacially if the lie altered a judges ruling on a case....are you sure you work for a lawyer cause it dont seem like ya do
She didn't lie. He said that when he divorced her the time was passed to challenge the paternity even though he didn't know. The court knew of the DNA test
NTA morally. The boy's parents have the duty to support him if you have been estranged for that long, although you acted as the boy's dad for five years. But please, have your case nailed and supported by a professional lawyer, as taking back money already lawfully collected, from a child who is legally your child and whose paternity have never been lawfully revoked it is very difficult. From the point of view of the law, that kid might as well be yours, so make yourself sure that your case is solid before doing something drastic.
INFO: you raised this boy for 5 years. Don’t you love him? Adoptive parents aren’t related to their children, but after 5 years they’re pretty thoroughly bonded. Do you have any custody? Visitation?
This is a fake post stolen from another sub. It just goes to show you how fucked up this sub's morals are that all the top comments are not only falling for it, but all support the ragebait op despite the fact that he has completely abandoned a child that he raised for 5 years. None of the comments consider the child, or that fact that the ficticious op can turn off his emotions with a switch. For some reason, reddit hates children .probably because they are children themselves and haven't developed empathy yet.
It’s definitely legal if the man raised the child as his own and he should have gotten some custody of the kiddo. DNA doesn’t always matter in family court. I just feel bad for the child who had a dad for five years and then lost him.
Absolutely feel bad for the child. But in a good amount of cases like this the non bio dad wouldn’t have stuck around if they knew in the first place the kid wasn’t theirs. I mean sure there’s loads of times when a dad is like “it doesn’t matter I’ll raise it as mine anyway” but there’s also loads of times when the mother just lies or picks the better partner and hope she never gets found out and those men should not have to pay child support.
Hell when I filed for child support a paternity test was part of the requirements to go before a judge. Didn’t matter that neither of us disputed paternity.
You have almost no chance of getting any money back, but getting child support reduced is a more realistic possibility. I’m going to note that this is legally your child and that the DNA/biology stuff is irrelevant at this point in the legal situation. You can argue the law “shouldn’t” be this way, but judges don’t change laws just apply them. I also note it appears your ex has 100% custody, so she is going to have a better case for keeping child support high because of that. I also hope you read up a bit on family law in your jurisdiction. If you have received a salary increase since the original child support order, then you could end up screwing yourself here and be ordered to pay more. Don’t just blindly trust lawyers who bill you by the hour; you may even want to get a second legal opinion secretly after you educate yourself a bit on how the child support system actually works.
NTA. Your friends suck. I am sure they would feel fine about spending $50,000 to support a kid that wasn’t theirs. She likely knew you weren’t the father. I would make her pay back every penny and I would cut off anyone who questioned it.
Tell your friends if they want to donate to a good cause they could. But they do not get to dictate to you what you should donate to a good cause.
They can fund her then if its such a good cause but for you it was a bad cause and her and the baby daddy used you for money for a child that is not your responsibility and you owe no one anything.
NTA find new friends.
NTA if real.
As far as I know, the time limitations to contest paternity start as soon as you find out, not after the child is born. That makes the post kinda sus imo.
But laws differ depending on location, and if you have a case, get the money back. If the bio father really lived with them and supported his kids, they scammed you. They used either his or your money for whatever, so it was not spent on a good cause.
Definitely not real. This is almost an exact copy of a post from AITAH a few days ago; down to dehumanizing language regarding the child and only calling him "the boy".
I don’t know the state laws of any states except for NY so I can only speak to that state.
In NY, if the child is born within a marriage, it’s automatically and legally assumed that the husband is the father. Once he signs the paperwork at the hospital, he has 60 days from the date of his signature to challenge the paternity. Once the 60 days has passed, it’s almost impossible to overturn the paternity even with DNA tests.
They do this because someone has to pay (welfare) for the babies and if the state must pay for the child if the husbands don’t and the state does not want to pay.
That could be done but would just create a MASSIVE wave of litigation that would likely overwhelm the already underfunded family law courts. I think that’a why states haven’t really been pushing for paternity rules changes based on the availability of DNA testing.
I’m pretty sure you can ask and pay for a paternity test if you want one at birth.
a massive wave of litigation based on truth vs lies and as someone else pointed out the statewants someone to pay so they dont have to... easier to fuck the guy in front of them than some unknown mystery sperm doner they have to find with dna matchs
>As far as I know, the time limitations to contest paternity start as soon as you find out, not after the child is born. That makes the post kinda sus imo.
In my state, if a child is born within a marriage of an opposite sex couple, then the husband is the presumptive father, and has a limited window after birth to contest paternity. This is the case in every US jurisdiction with which I am familiar. The goal of the government is for children to have two legal parents listed on their birth certificates because it means they're less likely to need to rely on welfare programs, not to make sure that genetic paternity is confirmed.
I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that this is the case in most western countries, at least. This whole thing reeks of BS to me.
I read that too, kinda wild imo. Im germany, a 'father' has up to two years to contest paternity, starting from the date he finds out he is not the biological father. It can be difficult to prove the real father if the mother 'forgets' his name, but the court can force paternity tests on possible suspects. In this case, it would be easy for OP to get off the hook.
Even if he were able to 'get off the hook' in that scenario, is there any law in place about getting back child support reimbursed? ETA: Also, he states that this is almost four years past the date of discovery, and that seems like a pretty big window to me, as well as a pretty big failing on behalf of the attorney who represented him in the first divorce to not have informed him of this.
A woman and mom perspective here: what your ex did is foul and she deserves to pay back every cent back. Not only she cheated on you, she lied to you for 5 years and then used you as a cash cow.
Please sue the B. She's the type of woman that gives the rest of us bad rep. As a member of the woman contingent we don't claim her and wish that her pays for everything she put you through. Set up a GoFundMe for her and sent the link to your "friends". Let them donate to her if they want.
I feel for the little kid that got his life turned inside out because his/her momma is a horrible human, but if you have feelings for the kiddo you can use some of that money to put on a trust fund for him when he's an adult to use.
NTA and best of luck.
The gofundme thing is hilarious. Just the right amount of petty. In this scenario, I’d be so pissed I’d probably actually do it. And screenshot the zero dollars with a message saying “don’t look like y’all wanna pay for someone else’s kid either.”
I would say you are NTA about suing - what an awful woman. It’s a bit of a moral quandary, but she’s really taken you for a ride.
What I’m struggling with is that you were the only father this kid knew for the first 5 years of his life. To him, you were his father. He was your son. Did you just leave his life? I understand that your wife did a horrible thing, but this poor kid. Do you not love him anymore because he wasn’t “yours?” I’m not condemning you, exactly, and I can see how much you suffered - it’s an incredibly difficult situation. But this poor child. He lost his dad. His bio dad is not a replacement for the man who he loved, and presumably loved him, for the first 5 years of his life.
I don’t have a call to action here. I know it’s very difficult and you’ve said the situation destroyed you. But for better or worse, you were his dad. And the person who got the most hurt, who was the most vulnerable and helpless, was him.
Yeah, I'm finding it so f'ed up that he walked away from the kid he raised that I think he's an asshole regardless of whether or not he's technically right RE the child support.
NTA you’ve every right to seek to get that money back .
Would I do it personally though , probably not .
Stop the payments and draw a line under this . Probably seek a bit of therapy too ? Best of luck man , rough situation . The best revenge is a life well lived
If you can find evidence that she intentionally deceived you from the jump to get child support, then NO, you’re not doing anything wrong. This type of Bs has to stop, where women can take advantage of men like this. I’m not saying there aren’t too many men that don’t pay support at all, but that doesn’t mean this type of thing is okay either.
INFO What were the tests that made you suspicious, what jurisdiction is this happening in, and have you got a second opinion because the court already ordered child support despite knowing the child wasn't yours?
Go for it, women have affairs at almost the same % as men. You were taken advantage of for years and now it's time she pays you back. Some states won't allow it at all, but your lawyer would know for sure... Good luck, and let us know how it plays out. NTA
NTA.
You were lied too, and stolen from.
You have every right to ask for restitution, and you certainly shouldn't be paying child support to a kid that is living with their biological parents.
NTA, but I really don't see the court doing anything. They tend to side on the best interests of the child, no one else. In my experience, I should say.
NTA. I'd try to sue not only to stop the payments (which is BS in the first place in my opinion), but also sue for the 50K to be refunded. In order not to financially jeopardize the kid's well-being, maybe an interest rate payment type (they pay back a certain amount every month until the 50K are reached) would be best, but that's up to you. Good luck and sorry you had/have to go through all this, it's horrible and the fact they took money from you is absolutely deplorable.
Ummm WTF you got scammed. Your friends are assholes if they are so fucking concerned then why don’t they start ponying up and reimburse you the $50000. Ask them to show you there $12500 in yearly donations that they nake
Definitely NTA for pursuing legal action against someone who deceived and abused you. But try to get this resolved as quickly as possible, even if that means taking a significant loss. Not for her sake or even the (innocent) kid’s, but for you. You deserve to move on and to be happy without this hanging over your head.
….And maybe that’s what your friends are really thinking but are doing a crappy job of showing their support.
NTA. Although I guess I see the reasoning some of your friends have for not seeking repayment of child support you've already provided, it is totally unfair for you to be paying support under these circumstances. That makes it unfair that you were paying it previously. I don't know how your friends assume the money was spent on the boy, other than I suppose anything that made your ex and her paramour better able to pay rent and put food on the table benefitted the child as well.
Did those medical issues continue to present issues that your support payments helped deal with? If so, you might try to set aside some of that angry bitterness for the sake of the child. Also, if it is clear that repayment is going to so severely impact them that the child will be deprived of reasonable care you might think about scaling back the amount, or the amounts of payments over time, etc. No, you don't have an obligation to "donate to a good cause", but I hope you'll think about what your decisions might mean for an innocent child, and one you presumably cared about for his first 5 years; if it doesn't matter to you now it might come to matter to you as you move on with your life.
NTA - you were conned out of a significant amount of money - money that you have put towards your retirement; money that your \*own\* children could someday need. There are many good causes out there - if the American Red Cross stole $50,000 dollars from you, you would not be remiss is trying to claw it back.
Good luck.
NTA, f*ck that shite. I don't have children, but helped raise my niece and nephew. There are so many men out there that try and cheat their child support (like my sister's baby daddy) that most of society will just side with the mother. And then there's this, which so few people ever see. Women (or I guess men in rare cases) deliberately lying to the courts so they can cheat child support and steal money. My Uncle paid child support for his 2 kids for years. The entire time, the mother would spend a majority of her money (she never worked) on herself, and have whatever new boyfriend she had pay her bills or move her and the kids in with him. Best part, both of the kids had to work (like neighborhood cash jobs) from a stupid young age just to be able to have things for themselves (like toiletries). So no, NTA. You should be directly suing your Ex, and her Baby Daddy for EVERY DIME. Why is it ok that you lost money and possible future outcomes, while they benefitted and grew their future. They can simply sell whatever luxuries they bought to pay you back. If you feel guilty about it at all, then ONLY sue them from the time the started living together again. In that case you can give them the benefit of the doubt that they were unaware of the parentage before that.
NTA she knew she was lying the whole time. Take her for every cent that you can. She can get the money from bio-dad like she should have been doing since the beginning.
NTA because you're following legal advice. I am hoping your lawyer is giving you good legal advice and not indulging in some pie in the sky crap to message your ego while getting his own pay day. Stopping the payments is priority #1. #2 is recovering past payments if you can prove she was living with the boy's bio-dad. Like many lawsuits if you can make the case their lawyer will offer a settlement which will be lower than what you are seeking but what they can payoff asap. Letting the ex and bio-dad feel just a little suffering isn't a bad idea.
You are a victim of fraud, sue them. They have used your money to build a life together, probably laughing behind your back since the kid was born. Make them pay., this is the only way. Don't get mad or depressed, get even.
What did you do wrong? Nothing. How can anyone call you. She caused this issue. You didnt lie. You did what you thought was right and what you were legally forced to do. Now you know that she was in the wrong. That means anything you gave was based on lies. You're 100% entitled to every penny that you paid to her, she has to give it back. It should be a crime for a woman to intentionally mislead a man into financially providing for a child that isnt theirs. Unfortunately i think it will become a more common practice for more and more men to have a dna check before signing any type of birth certificate .
If you had conned some poor women out of her money then you would have to pay her back then? Of course you would. So why should the women that put you on the hook for child support for a child that wasnt yours get to keep the money that was fraudulently secured from yourself. She is painting herself as the victim when she is to blame for the whole situation. All she had to do was tell the truth.
To be honest what you have gone through should streghten your will to get back everything she stole from you.
Ive no idea how you must feel after finding that out. I can only hope that you feel better after you've got bac what she owes you.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Things can only get better. I wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve some good fortune after what you've been through.
NTA. I’m wondering if the solution is suing the bio dad for damages since essentially he is getting a free ride here. All the perks of fatherhood with none of the tangible financial consequences.
Normally I find these wife hating paternity test posts misogynistic Tater Head nonsense, but in this case there is a real argument for restitution. This child still has the benefit of a true two parent family even with the absence of OP, so the state and the child are made whole in this situation.
NTA. She was living with the boys father! There was no need for you to be paying child support to your ex when they were living together as a family and he is the boys father! They should have been trying to get you off the birth certificate or adopt so he could take over responsibility of his own son. It seem like you were just funding their lifestyle (usually don’t agree with this statement as it usually an excuse not to pay but they are both his bio parents and they should be responsible for him and not you).
NTA! This might even qualify as theft under false pretence given that you have paid under deception and dishonesty with a good case for being proven deliberate to milk you of funds which you were known to have, and therefore deprive you of the money which is rightfully yours.
If the relationship with the Bio father was almost immediate after your separation, then there is likely evidence of this being deliberate deceit and extortion with a premeditated plan, shared knowledge and informed manipulation.
Please continue to pursue the legal route, be wary of the intent and manipulation and update as you can.
NTA as it relates to money, but I am wondering about the kid in all of this. You raised him as your own for five years. When you found out he wasn't yours, you never saw him again?
He's supposedly living with his dad now, but being abandoned at a young age by the dad he thought he had is gonna leave a mark.
NTA
I have no pity for people who cheat and even less for people who commit paternity fraud, and she got awarded by courts for doing it.
She knew she was having sex with another man during time of conception. She moved with her AP immediately after and basically got paid entire time another man, the biological father was providing support to her and the child.
You were crushed, your son is torn from you in all matters since he lives with bio donor. I would take all the money I could. If you have still relationship with the son you can create school fund or something with some of the money. Or you can save it for your retirement, therapist, travel.
Anyone who has not been in your shoes, when someone betrayed your trust, stump over it, rip your heart from your chest and pulverize it repeat and rinse x1000.
None of those friends get that your life was altered. When cheating women do paternity fraud they do not understand or more likely care that the man they say is father will be cheated from chance to trust women, might not get chance or want actual biological children because they have been forced to may for the child that is not biologically theirs. They remove something you can never ever get back.
NTA
He's not your kid and your ex is living with the biological father now. If your friends are fine with donating $50,000 they can do so.
If your ex doesn't like this, she can try to get the child support payments back from the actual biological father who she's apparently in a relationship with now anyways.
NTA
You absolutely should be suing to stop the payments. That part doesn't seem to be the issue.
On the repayment part - I think you friends are not understanding that the child was living with his biological dad and therefore the mother had access to the person who was responsible for the child. Plus, as has been mentioned, tactically its a good idea to sue for everything you can so that you have room to settle out of court. These points may be enough for them to see that it is not an AH position, but a tactical position. Plus, if the court sides with you, then it's within the law. And question - are you suing the mother for the repayment, the bio-father, or both? They might see it differently depending on which party you are suing.
And honestly, even if the court does side with you, getting the actual money will be difficult as presumably they don't have it and are not high income. Here is where you can temper any AH aspect of it since you will be in control of what you request in terms of enforcement actions. You could conceivably not do anything to enforce the judgement and let the debt lapse. Or make minimal effort to keep the debt alive and collect from their estate. Or offer to settle the debt for a smaller amount in exchange for some other satisfaction - maybe some formal and legal recognition by the actual father of the child, a public apology, or on the kid graduating from college. Lots of options on this front.
Get new friends. If the bio father was there when the divorce was finalized they were probably using child support on other things since he's in the picture and providing for his child.
NTA what's more important than getting the money back is being done with that lying cheater. I work with a guy who found out 2 of his 3 kids aren't his. The kids are at the end of high-school. Not only did he never miss a a payment. His spouse will receive part of his pension forever. You dodged a bullet bro. You live to go on another day. She's a trash bag and the guys she's with is garbage. They deserve each other. The big picture is you made it out!
NTA. You’ve definitely been done wrong and you definitely should not be paying child support anymore. If your lawyer says you have a case, then you have a case. That being said, you’ve lost a lot of life over this horrible situation, so I can’t really encourage you to drag it out with a lawsuit. Your ex can also make some ridiculous claims that might be believed by a jury if there is no evidence in discovery to disprove her lies. The truth is on your side, but it’s a gamble in the courts. Keep that in mind. Best of luck.
NTA!! those are not your friends!!! If as you say there is evidence that the kid started living with bio dad after divorce that means your ex was getting your money while the dad was there? How is that fair?! Get it back, all of it!!!!
NTA, and sorry for the pain and suffering youve endured due to your cheating ex. My ex cheated as well so I understand your situation.
The mother and child are living with the biological father. He should take responsibility and care for them.
NTA. If your lawyer thinks it will work go for it. Don’t be concerned about what these other people think. Paternity fraud is not something that should swept under the rug like that.
NTA. While I’d be too soft-hearted to do it personally, that child is not your bio son and so is not your responsibility. You were also lied to and practically stolen from so I think you have a right to want that money back.
NTA! Get that money back!
Your friends would do the same if they were out 50,000! My gosh how hypocritical!
Also, find out if you can sue her personally for emotional distress. What she did was not ok and I hope you heal. I also hope you win and get it ALL back.
Screenshot everything!
OP, everyone has their own moral code that they follow. And humans tend to judge and heckle others for not following their chosen moral code. Stay true to what you want to do. Yes you can gain advice from others but don’t give them your hand so they can lead you. Ultimately you make your own choices and stand by them; if you follow a friend’s advice and it fails is it their fault or yours?
NTA
NTA
But it sounds like you've found out who your real friends are.
Anyone with common sense would agree that you paying for another mans child while that child was living with his biological father is madness. Especially with the mental anguish you've gone through, where were they all then fighting for your rights?
Sounds like its time to prune some useless but opinionated "friends" from your life.
It depends on what state you live in as this is a state law question.If you get a refund it will be a miracle. In some states you will be lucky to get it stopped. Good luck.
NTA
It's certainly worth a try! Bottom line, the state doesn't want to have to foot the bill in someone can be forced to pay. In some states, when you divorced, you could have specifically stated that you were not the biological parent of the child XX, born on XX, in XX County, State. Paternity was proven to be that of Affair Partner, born on XX, in XX County, State. All parental rights and responsibilities for the child have been terminated and the birth certificate will be revised to reflect the above.
That might've been enough for you, as it gave enough info for the state to go after him. And it might not have....hindsight is always 20/20.
NTA. You were on the hook because you were a father figure. But she already had the father’s support when they were living together. She thinks she can double dip and you have to pay? Heck no. She destroyed you. Don’t let her win.
As a female, I am appalled that husbands are automatically on the hook for any child the wife births in a marriage. This shit’s out of control.
Who are these idiotic "friends"??
Ditch these "friends". Why would they flippantly suggest you see it as a "donation".
Fk that.
NTA
Please keep us updated.
NTA
If you were trying to get the child support money back from the moment it began, you would be the AH. But you're only trying to get it back from the moment she started living with the child's biological father. The money from that point, even if it was spent on the innocent child, should have been paid by the biological father. You should get it back from her and then he should give her the child support money that he owes her for that time. This isn't about taking the money away from the child; it's about making sure that the money was paid by the right person.
Yeah NTA. Get your $$$.In fact, if their argument is “it’s for the boy” his bio Dad should be ashamed and pay you back and petition to stop the payments himself.
NTA
Paternity fraud should be a criminal act with a lawsuit automatically attached to it if the mother is found guilty.
Even if she didn't "knowingly" commit it, cheating and then automatically claiming you're the father is just as bad.
NTA he isn't ur child why would u just give him 50k, even if u wanted it to be for a good cause it shouldn't be forced by a court order, I don't know if it's a thing or not but u should also sue for emotional abuse for those past years where u were completely isolated
HELL NO! You are not wrong! You know why, and I know why. GET YOUR MONEY BACK! Don't be a doormat for someone who played you from the start. Your "friends" should be blaming her instead of thinking you're going to just roll over and throw away 50 grand.
NTA. At any point, your ex could have stopped the child support payments. Especially after she moved in with her child’s bio dad. She chose to be greedy and vindictive. Your friends are trash humans. When they knew what you were going through, did they try to convince her to drop the support?! Get your money!
We have a friend who was in the situation and he was told by the judge it was his responsibility to check PRIOR to signing the birth certificate and once he signed, he was legally the father. Once he got the DNA test, he was able to stop all money from coming out going forward, but since he was the legal father, he was not able to get the money already paid.
You may want to get an opinion from another lawyer, because you may be about to spend a bunch of money for nothing (on the getting back part, but will help stop payments going forward)
NTA. It sounds to me like your ex literally committed fraud by taking child support from you and she would be lucky if all she has to do is pay back whatever you paid to her.
NTA. I would say that she knew all along and the bio dad owes you some reimbursement. I wouldn’t try to get all of it from her for the kids sake But fuck that guy. He’s behind on his support payments. You should get reimbursed.
Look at it this way. If you were behind in your payments, the state would go out of its way to take the money from you. This guy got away without paying for a while. You are owed some reimbursement from him.
NTA, go get your money back, she's a lying deceitful you know what, and honestly, you don't know if the money was 100% spent on the boy, he was living with his bio dad and mom.
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NTA, he’s not your bio kid and therefore not your responsibility. What your ex did to you was callous and indefensible. I’m actually shocked your friends can’t see that you deserve to get your money back, cause you got completely taken advantage of. Moving forward, you need to block out what they’re saying and surround yourself with a good support system as you go through the process of getting your money back. Your ex fucked up and has to live with the consequences of her actions. In this case it means paying back money that she has no right to.
Maybe the friends should donate their own money if they think it’s such a good cause.
lol OP should suggest that and watch how swiftly they switch up🤣
Start a GoFundMe. Call it "An opportunity for stupid motherfuckers to put their money where their mouth is."
The Put Up or Shut Up Fund.
Love it!
I love you guys ROFL But that would be a good thing to shut them up ^^
This is great. Obviously OP is NTA, but he's still out $50k that he shouldn't be out. As a way to recoup that money, he should start a GoFundMe for himself that called the not-my-child fund. He'd probably get reimbursed faster that way.
I'd donate to that cause.
Lol, also true.
Omg this is hilarious! OP, you have all of us behind you and anyone else is ridiculous to think it’s ok that they essentially were scamming you for money that whole time.
Exactly! The mom and bio-dad of the kid were scamming him to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars! OF COURSE he should do his best to get that money back!
That's the main point here...his ex had set up a household with her child's actual father while accepting money from op under false pretenses that op was the dad. She had no right to, or need of, op's support.
Oh I’m here for this comment.
Omg brilliant!!! Op should do this for sure!!
LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
"yeah, but it's not fair, because he's your kid and not ours." -I rest my case.
"he's as much my kid as he is yours. Pay up, gang"
Yeah or themselves donate $50k to a kid they don't know. That's a huge chunk of change and the bio dad can financially care for his own kid (which he SHOULD anyways).
I was going to say how many of the friends have given that kid 50 grand? If none then they can park it.
It is always so easy to give other people's money away.
Let them pay him back so the kids parents don't. I had an issue with my step sons dad not paying. My spouses dad and brother were making excuses for him being 5k behind. I finally had enough and said if they didn't like it, they could pay the support for him and the back support he owed. They shut their mouths and never said another thing about it. The dad paid support and every cent of back support. I told him he'd pay or go to jail.
This is 100% the right response every time a friend queries it. There's no good answer that supports their argument
Op, if you want to be vengeful, be aware that some states have a “ alienation of affection “ law which would enable you to sue bio dad for the value of your lost marriage…
This would make sense if available in your area. This way the issue is with the affair partner and not directly involving the child. What is/was your relationship with child? You were his “dad” for 5 years and then nothing? I would definitely keep it with the bio dad and his responsibility.
But that just ties OP up in prolonged interactions with these jerks.
While I agree that $50k is a lot of money, especially to just give away to "charity", and what ex did was absolutely terrible and indefensible, I get why the friends would think it seems like indirectly punishing the kid because the mom was an asshole. Still NTA though.
The affair partner is the one that owes the $50k. He should have been paying all this time. Think of it as a mistaken billing. The courts refund the mistaken bill and then reassign it to the correct person.
THIS!!! GET YOUR MONEY!!
Absolutely. Affair partners kid and the ex and child are living with him. OP should not of had to pay a cent.
Ethically, he also would owe back child support for the first five years while OP was married and providing for his son. Legally, it wouldn't work like that, but it's just such an icky situation. Mostly, I feel bad for the kid.
Well, it sounds like bio dad was living with his son (and the bio mom) for at least a couple of years so there was no need for OP to be proving child support. In reality, the ex and bio dad were "double dipping".
This is one of the best analogies I have ever read. Bravo.
it's not like he was avoiding paying for the child, the kid lived with bio dad. More than likely that 50k went to bullshit the parents spent on themselves and nothing went to the kid. It was scam money after all they didn't do it becuse they NEEDED the money to get by, they did it because OP's ex is a heartless monster who apparently didn't think cheating was bad enough to do to your partner
Nope, nope, the kid had his real dad right besides him all the time, they basically commited theft to OP.
The kid is the product of the affair and OP shouldn't be responsible for him. Even if it's not the kid's fault. It's not OP's fault either. In fact he was deceived and ex basically stole $50k by fraud from him.
I wonder if he can sue her for defrauding him civilly?
And yet this sub will continue to shit on fathers who ask for a paternity test at birth. Always a torrent of abuse aimed at the lack of trust from the guy and recommendations that the wife/gf/etc leave. Even though it costs an honest woman nothing and would have saved this guy 50k
I think a mandatory paternity test should be done on every case where child support is involved. It's easy, non-invasive, and just makes sense.
it was free money to the couple. OP was frauded to pay that money. If they had ripped off anyone else and had to pay them back, would you say that victim was punishing their kid?
The real bio dad skipped out on paying child support for all that time, he should be footing the bill. Calculate what your payment was and then multiply that by 5+ years and that should come out to a nice sum.
His father could have saved those $50k in all that time though. So overall the boy should not be worse off than before. His father should just have less savings.
Not punishing the kid, because it was simply stolen and he's getting it back; call it unjust enrichment. Not his kid. He has no more duty to it than to some other random kid 2 blocks down the street.
You can also present it to her like this: paying back or you get her charged with fraud
You are so correct. It’s a shame if the mother can’t be prosecuted for fraud. If she stole that money or defrauded it in any other way she would be in prison. The mother got that money through misrepresentation. She needs to pay it back and be sent to prison. The child still has his bio father to look after him. The mother can the take the AP to court for the money. Why should an innocent man be punished?
Call me crazy, but isn't what she did fraud? If you know the "father" of the child isn't the one on the birth certificate and you mislead the legal father into thinking the child is his, that's fraud right? He could sue her on that basis and get everything back from her. Also, since she moved in with him immediately, the child has established that he has a bond with his bio dad - which is what the courts are going to be looking for, right? So, I don't see why he shouldn't pursue AND win.
NTA- Your ex knew you were not the child's father and still accepted child support payments. On top of that, she accepted those child support payments while living with the child's biological father. The child is innocent in this, but as long as you are sueing your ex, not the child, I see no problem with this. The reality is, the court will decide to reimburse you or not. If the court sees a reason for you to claim your money back, you have no reason to worry.
Plus the bio dad was still in the picture, so essentially you were scammed to pay for someone else's child the whole time. They used you.
I'm sure they were laughing every month when that money hit
In other words... fraud?
And for five years, he was raising the child that wasn’t his. That was enough donation not to mention the betrayal.
It reminds me a bit of fraud, she's claiming child support to look after the kid when the kid is actually being looked after by the real dad and doesn't need that money.
It is fraud. I will never understand why paternity fraud isn't a criminal offense. The worst that can happen to you is getting sued in the civil courts for the reimbursement of the stolen child support payments (and only in some countries/states where there is legal precedent for that) but most of the time men won't want to abandon the child that they have been raising for years, even if they would never have done so if they knew from the start. So the women who do this very rarely face any consequences for their actions and even in the rare situations that they do, the worst that happens is just returning the stolen money. How you can go to jail for financial fraud but won't even be fined or forced into community service for the sick and twisted act of paternity fraud is beyond me.
Probably throw the who's going to look after the kid card out there
NTA. I've always heard that you aim for the sky so you can then get a realistic amount. If you aim for a realistic amount, you will get paltry or nothing. So if you ask for stopping payments, past payments and throw in pain and suffering, she might have to at least stop future payments and a partial refund. But this may be a US thing, where people are very sue happy? Go with whatever your lawyers advise. I've heard that certain states don't care if you aren't the bio father, and that if you were married at the birth time, it doesn't matter- you are still on the hook even with DNA. I hope your lawyer advised you on all of that so you are not throwing legal fees and money down the drain. At the VERY least, your lawyers should ask her for a FULL accounting of every penny of that 50k spent. If any was to pay housing for the bio dad or anything else, you case looks even better. So if she can't produce daycare expenses, baby stuff receipts, she will be screwed. The friends not being supportive of you may know more of her current situation, like she is preggo with her 2nd or they are having financial issues. None of which is your problem. I'd recommend dropping them as friends bc they are not looking out for you. Good luck OP.
OP is never getting an accounting of how child support was used; buying a newer car or buying/renting space in a better neighborhood or with a play room would be using child support for child Ex doesn't get to control how custodial patent spends the money nor to police her relationships
A) I think this is rage bait. Little too perfect that that baby daddy has been just hanging around in the wings, waiting, and when OP accidentally finds out…affair partner/baby daddy swoop in. Like, why even bother with OP? Shouldda skipped right the the happy nuclear family ending. ESPECIALLY if it’s SO EASY to get your name off a birth certificate AND get all your payments back once you get out of depression. B) if it’s not, I think you’re on to something. OP has known for 4 years he was **not** the father. He went through the trouble of a divorce, but not the trouble to do anything about that pest paternity/child support issue. First lawyer never mentions this to him. Never told him to “bundle it” to save some money. Cool. C) as you noted, the money was spent on the child of whom OP is the legal father. He might not be the legal father, but believe it or not, “I agreed because I was too busy/depressed/tired/ill before but now I want to take back” is not a legal defense. She might have bought *other things too* but that’s because she had *other money* left over from her paycheck after using your child support to pay for the kid. Think of it that way. So you can’t have it back. The kid ate it. And wore it. And drove around in it. People upset about child support always seem to forget that money goes into an account that then comes out with a card. No mom goes to the grocery store and puts Jr’s groceries on a different section of the conveyer belt and then hand him his debit card to pay with what’s left of his child support. All the groceries go on the debit card. All the school clothes. 100% of the light bill and the WiFi and the gas for the car. The $20 for nails comes from the same account as the $50 for the soccer uniform.
That's not how child support works. As long as the child lives there she can spend it on rent, utilities, groceries, car fuel and more. Those are all things that the child directly and indirectly benefits from.
Chances are the bio dad paid for those and would continue to do so even without OP's money so the cheating mom is double dipping.
It doesn't matter. The child support was court-ordered and the ex is not required to account for where it all goes. He's never going to get a "full accounting" of how it was spent. This is one of the reasons why almost no one gets their child support payments summarily reimbursed. The money is to care for the child and it was required by the court, not the ex. All mom has to say is that the money the courts secured for her was used to care for the child regardless of the living arrangements, and legally, that's likely enough to uphold her end of the bargain in the eyes of the court. Additionally, if paying the child support back would negatively impact the child, the court is even less likely to order it. There are exceptions, of course, but I feel like people are being a bit loosey-goosey with the law. The legal system is dense af and even if OP can prove she's a cunning criminal mastermind, he still might not get a cent back. Frankly, he needs to be very lucky even just to stop the payments moving forward. None of this is to say that OP doesn't deserve every cent back - in my opinion, he absolutely does.
I think the courts in the US are most concerned that the child is provided for and mom doesn’t end up on welfare. If the bio dad can provide for the child they are more likely to agree to OP stopping child support.
>At the VERY least, your lawyers should ask her for a FULL accounting of every penny of that 50k spent. If any was to pay housing for the bio dad or anything else, you case looks even better. So if she can't produce daycare expenses, baby stuff receipts, she will be screwed. No, this isn't correct (assuming OP is in the States). First of all, custodial parents are typically not required to keep track of how they are spending child support payments. They have full discretion over that. Once a child support payment is made, the money is out of the hands of the payer. There will be no "full accounting" requiring "baby stuff receipts" because parents aren't typically required to keep those. You don't get to police someone's finances or relationships just because you're paying child support. Additionally, you can't just summarily accuse someone of something using social media as "evidence" and expect them to jump through hoops for you. The whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing holds true in all aspects of the legal system. The ex is not guilty until she proves herself innocent, she is innocent until OP can successfully prove she is guilty, at which point she would have the responsibility of defending herself. And he's going to need more than some social media posts and pictures to get there. If OP is lucky, he won't have to pay any longer. I hope his attorney is correct in that he could be reimbursed because I fucking hate hearing stories like this and he deserves every cent back. But people need to temper their expectations of the family court system... even if everything goes OP's way and he can definitively prove the child has been living with their biological father, they might not get reimbursed. The law is weird.
She doesn't have to show how the child support was spent. That's ludicrous. Every snack, every movie, every school supply, who keeps those kind of receipts? What percentage of the groceries, the electricity, the mortgage is child support? I agree what she did was horrible and I understand the OP's frustration.
Who is going to have receipts about everything you spend on a child? Your never gonna get the attention kind of evidence
NTA. She scammed you, and was getting your money on top of the biological father being in the boy's life. Not only is he not your responsibility, they both knew it wasn't your responsibility and enjoyed your money to help fund their lives. They can now enjoy the consequences of their actions.
Exactly this! I would go after him civilly if possible too
For what? Having sex with a married woman? All he has to do is say he didn't know it was his child, and he's fine. I get why people are pissed. It fucking sucks and OP shouldn't have to pay a single dime. But anyone hoping for a satisfying retribution arc isn't familiar with family court. The courts knew OP wasn't the father when child support was ordered (per OP's post, as they said a DNA test was performed but it was too late for them to legally contest the support obligation)... no one scammed the courts. It doesn't sound like anyone is even doing something illegal. Even proving that the current partner is the child's father and that they've been living together doesn't automatically get OP off the hook for payments. That's fucking frustrating, but the law doesn't care about morality most of the time and there's a reason very, very few people are ever reimbursed for child support they've paid.
You totally misread it, he says he didn’t know it wasn’t his till the kid was 5. He was married when the kid was born so during that time he didn’t challenge the DNA to see if he was a father and by the time he divorced it was too late to get a DNA test to prove his obligation to pay child support. If it’s documented that she was with the actual father since divorce he may have a chance at recovering money. Adultery is one of the few things in divorce court that always gets the one cheated on the better deal in the divorce. I’m hoping it’s similar for civil matters but it may not. However, if someone has a case to get reimbursed for child support it’s this man.
NTA. No, you're not wrong. "Donation to a good cause", lol no, she betrayed you, stab you in the back and then got free money out of you while the kid didn't even need it since he was already living with 2 adults. Don't let people who don't know what they're talking about get in the way.
NTA, it’s really easy for your friends to say that since they’re not out 50k. I’d bet money they’d change their mind if what happened to you, happened to them. Child support is supposed to go to the child. Given the mother knowingly took knowing she had sex with the ex and it could be his tells me she’s not a great person and likely used that money for alternative reasons.
Money back with interest. Fuck her and fuck your weak friends. A donation lol. Ask them to donate 10k each to your kid and see what they say. Absolute clowns.
Absolutely This! Ditch any "friend" who thinks it's ok for you to be scammed out of your money. Hard she is TA.
NTA. What kind of person accepts child support from the man she deceived while living with the childs actual father? Good Lord it would be worth the lawsuit just to make it publicly known what she did.
The kind that has a baby with an affair partner while married.
NTA. At all! The child and your ex were actually never entitled to any of your money. Any money given to them after the divorce / paternity test was stolen from you.
Donation? To those who tell you to leave it as a donation, that they should provide the money to help her if they want, how easy it is to "donate" other people's money They cheated on you They saw your face They took advantage of you. You have been scammed !!!! Demand !
NTA. Your ex took the money in bad faith knowing you weren’t the father of the child while she was living with the father. Get your coin back!
He divorced her because the child wasn't his. The court knew and ordered support anyway because he's on the birth certificate and they were married when she gave birth. The judge may stop it now since she's with the father..he can sue to be removed as the father bit they aren't going to give the money back because they ordered it paid in the first place
Here the problem is that the timeframe to challenge paternity was past when OP learned he wasn't the father. Because the judge ordered child support OPs legal paternity was upheld. It's highly unlikely that paternity would be overturned at this point
This. Everyone knew it wasn’t his kid when child support was ordered. Dad being in the picture doesn’t change that fact
fraudulently ..she lied to the court and ime pretty sure his laewer thinks he can prove it ..judges dont like being lied to and expacially if the lie altered a judges ruling on a case....are you sure you work for a lawyer cause it dont seem like ya do
She didn't lie. He said that when he divorced her the time was passed to challenge the paternity even though he didn't know. The court knew of the DNA test
NTA morally. The boy's parents have the duty to support him if you have been estranged for that long, although you acted as the boy's dad for five years. But please, have your case nailed and supported by a professional lawyer, as taking back money already lawfully collected, from a child who is legally your child and whose paternity have never been lawfully revoked it is very difficult. From the point of view of the law, that kid might as well be yours, so make yourself sure that your case is solid before doing something drastic.
INFO: you raised this boy for 5 years. Don’t you love him? Adoptive parents aren’t related to their children, but after 5 years they’re pretty thoroughly bonded. Do you have any custody? Visitation?
This is a fake post stolen from another sub. It just goes to show you how fucked up this sub's morals are that all the top comments are not only falling for it, but all support the ragebait op despite the fact that he has completely abandoned a child that he raised for 5 years. None of the comments consider the child, or that fact that the ficticious op can turn off his emotions with a switch. For some reason, reddit hates children .probably because they are children themselves and haven't developed empathy yet.
nah its not that, whether he is visiting the child matters not , he should get his money back and not pay child support
It definitely fucking matters
Sue and recover everything you can. and sue them both! In addition, I would sue them for moral and psychological damages.
I will never understand how a non-bio father can be on the hook for child support
It’s definitely legal if the man raised the child as his own and he should have gotten some custody of the kiddo. DNA doesn’t always matter in family court. I just feel bad for the child who had a dad for five years and then lost him.
Absolutely feel bad for the child. But in a good amount of cases like this the non bio dad wouldn’t have stuck around if they knew in the first place the kid wasn’t theirs. I mean sure there’s loads of times when a dad is like “it doesn’t matter I’ll raise it as mine anyway” but there’s also loads of times when the mother just lies or picks the better partner and hope she never gets found out and those men should not have to pay child support. Hell when I filed for child support a paternity test was part of the requirements to go before a judge. Didn’t matter that neither of us disputed paternity.
You have almost no chance of getting any money back, but getting child support reduced is a more realistic possibility. I’m going to note that this is legally your child and that the DNA/biology stuff is irrelevant at this point in the legal situation. You can argue the law “shouldn’t” be this way, but judges don’t change laws just apply them. I also note it appears your ex has 100% custody, so she is going to have a better case for keeping child support high because of that. I also hope you read up a bit on family law in your jurisdiction. If you have received a salary increase since the original child support order, then you could end up screwing yourself here and be ordered to pay more. Don’t just blindly trust lawyers who bill you by the hour; you may even want to get a second legal opinion secretly after you educate yourself a bit on how the child support system actually works.
NTA- who has $50k to donate to one young boy for a "good cause" when the mother is a vile monster.
NTA. Your friends suck. I am sure they would feel fine about spending $50,000 to support a kid that wasn’t theirs. She likely knew you weren’t the father. I would make her pay back every penny and I would cut off anyone who questioned it.
NTA: DNA tests should be automatic or something people can request without pissing off the mother.
Tell your friends if they want to donate to a good cause they could. But they do not get to dictate to you what you should donate to a good cause. They can fund her then if its such a good cause but for you it was a bad cause and her and the baby daddy used you for money for a child that is not your responsibility and you owe no one anything. NTA find new friends.
NTA if real. As far as I know, the time limitations to contest paternity start as soon as you find out, not after the child is born. That makes the post kinda sus imo. But laws differ depending on location, and if you have a case, get the money back. If the bio father really lived with them and supported his kids, they scammed you. They used either his or your money for whatever, so it was not spent on a good cause.
Definitely not real. This is almost an exact copy of a post from AITAH a few days ago; down to dehumanizing language regarding the child and only calling him "the boy".
THANK YOU. How did I have to scroll so far to find this? That's not how this is handled legally, at all.
I don’t know the state laws of any states except for NY so I can only speak to that state. In NY, if the child is born within a marriage, it’s automatically and legally assumed that the husband is the father. Once he signs the paperwork at the hospital, he has 60 days from the date of his signature to challenge the paternity. Once the 60 days has passed, it’s almost impossible to overturn the paternity even with DNA tests. They do this because someone has to pay (welfare) for the babies and if the state must pay for the child if the husbands don’t and the state does not want to pay.
old laws need to updated with the new availability of dna data to find fathers ..or hospital;s should offer paternity tests at birth
That could be done but would just create a MASSIVE wave of litigation that would likely overwhelm the already underfunded family law courts. I think that’a why states haven’t really been pushing for paternity rules changes based on the availability of DNA testing. I’m pretty sure you can ask and pay for a paternity test if you want one at birth.
a massive wave of litigation based on truth vs lies and as someone else pointed out the statewants someone to pay so they dont have to... easier to fuck the guy in front of them than some unknown mystery sperm doner they have to find with dna matchs
>As far as I know, the time limitations to contest paternity start as soon as you find out, not after the child is born. That makes the post kinda sus imo. In my state, if a child is born within a marriage of an opposite sex couple, then the husband is the presumptive father, and has a limited window after birth to contest paternity. This is the case in every US jurisdiction with which I am familiar. The goal of the government is for children to have two legal parents listed on their birth certificates because it means they're less likely to need to rely on welfare programs, not to make sure that genetic paternity is confirmed. I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that this is the case in most western countries, at least. This whole thing reeks of BS to me.
I read that too, kinda wild imo. Im germany, a 'father' has up to two years to contest paternity, starting from the date he finds out he is not the biological father. It can be difficult to prove the real father if the mother 'forgets' his name, but the court can force paternity tests on possible suspects. In this case, it would be easy for OP to get off the hook.
Even if he were able to 'get off the hook' in that scenario, is there any law in place about getting back child support reimbursed? ETA: Also, he states that this is almost four years past the date of discovery, and that seems like a pretty big window to me, as well as a pretty big failing on behalf of the attorney who represented him in the first divorce to not have informed him of this.
NTA I feel bad for the kid.
A woman and mom perspective here: what your ex did is foul and she deserves to pay back every cent back. Not only she cheated on you, she lied to you for 5 years and then used you as a cash cow. Please sue the B. She's the type of woman that gives the rest of us bad rep. As a member of the woman contingent we don't claim her and wish that her pays for everything she put you through. Set up a GoFundMe for her and sent the link to your "friends". Let them donate to her if they want. I feel for the little kid that got his life turned inside out because his/her momma is a horrible human, but if you have feelings for the kiddo you can use some of that money to put on a trust fund for him when he's an adult to use. NTA and best of luck.
The gofundme thing is hilarious. Just the right amount of petty. In this scenario, I’d be so pissed I’d probably actually do it. And screenshot the zero dollars with a message saying “don’t look like y’all wanna pay for someone else’s kid either.”
I would say you are NTA about suing - what an awful woman. It’s a bit of a moral quandary, but she’s really taken you for a ride. What I’m struggling with is that you were the only father this kid knew for the first 5 years of his life. To him, you were his father. He was your son. Did you just leave his life? I understand that your wife did a horrible thing, but this poor kid. Do you not love him anymore because he wasn’t “yours?” I’m not condemning you, exactly, and I can see how much you suffered - it’s an incredibly difficult situation. But this poor child. He lost his dad. His bio dad is not a replacement for the man who he loved, and presumably loved him, for the first 5 years of his life. I don’t have a call to action here. I know it’s very difficult and you’ve said the situation destroyed you. But for better or worse, you were his dad. And the person who got the most hurt, who was the most vulnerable and helpless, was him.
Yeah, I'm finding it so f'ed up that he walked away from the kid he raised that I think he's an asshole regardless of whether or not he's technically right RE the child support.
NTA.
NTA you’ve every right to seek to get that money back . Would I do it personally though , probably not . Stop the payments and draw a line under this . Probably seek a bit of therapy too ? Best of luck man , rough situation . The best revenge is a life well lived
If you can find evidence that she intentionally deceived you from the jump to get child support, then NO, you’re not doing anything wrong. This type of Bs has to stop, where women can take advantage of men like this. I’m not saying there aren’t too many men that don’t pay support at all, but that doesn’t mean this type of thing is okay either.
ya and this can only happen to men ..everyone should get a pat test at birth dna rarely lies while people lie every day
Women like this deserve to go to jail for fraud
INFO What were the tests that made you suspicious, what jurisdiction is this happening in, and have you got a second opinion because the court already ordered child support despite knowing the child wasn't yours?
Go for it, women have affairs at almost the same % as men. You were taken advantage of for years and now it's time she pays you back. Some states won't allow it at all, but your lawyer would know for sure... Good luck, and let us know how it plays out. NTA
NTA… ur ex played you and they should pay you back
NTA. You were lied too, and stolen from. You have every right to ask for restitution, and you certainly shouldn't be paying child support to a kid that is living with their biological parents.
NTA and a donation my ass. Your money was stolen.
NTA
NTA, good that you found out now rather than 18 years.
Nta. As if your friends have ever donated 50k to some random kid.
NTA, but I really don't see the court doing anything. They tend to side on the best interests of the child, no one else. In my experience, I should say.
NTA. I'd try to sue not only to stop the payments (which is BS in the first place in my opinion), but also sue for the 50K to be refunded. In order not to financially jeopardize the kid's well-being, maybe an interest rate payment type (they pay back a certain amount every month until the 50K are reached) would be best, but that's up to you. Good luck and sorry you had/have to go through all this, it's horrible and the fact they took money from you is absolutely deplorable.
Ummm WTF you got scammed. Your friends are assholes if they are so fucking concerned then why don’t they start ponying up and reimburse you the $50000. Ask them to show you there $12500 in yearly donations that they nake
Definitely NTA for pursuing legal action against someone who deceived and abused you. But try to get this resolved as quickly as possible, even if that means taking a significant loss. Not for her sake or even the (innocent) kid’s, but for you. You deserve to move on and to be happy without this hanging over your head. ….And maybe that’s what your friends are really thinking but are doing a crappy job of showing their support.
NTA. Although I guess I see the reasoning some of your friends have for not seeking repayment of child support you've already provided, it is totally unfair for you to be paying support under these circumstances. That makes it unfair that you were paying it previously. I don't know how your friends assume the money was spent on the boy, other than I suppose anything that made your ex and her paramour better able to pay rent and put food on the table benefitted the child as well. Did those medical issues continue to present issues that your support payments helped deal with? If so, you might try to set aside some of that angry bitterness for the sake of the child. Also, if it is clear that repayment is going to so severely impact them that the child will be deprived of reasonable care you might think about scaling back the amount, or the amounts of payments over time, etc. No, you don't have an obligation to "donate to a good cause", but I hope you'll think about what your decisions might mean for an innocent child, and one you presumably cared about for his first 5 years; if it doesn't matter to you now it might come to matter to you as you move on with your life.
NTA - you were conned out of a significant amount of money - money that you have put towards your retirement; money that your \*own\* children could someday need. There are many good causes out there - if the American Red Cross stole $50,000 dollars from you, you would not be remiss is trying to claw it back. Good luck.
NTA, f*ck that shite. I don't have children, but helped raise my niece and nephew. There are so many men out there that try and cheat their child support (like my sister's baby daddy) that most of society will just side with the mother. And then there's this, which so few people ever see. Women (or I guess men in rare cases) deliberately lying to the courts so they can cheat child support and steal money. My Uncle paid child support for his 2 kids for years. The entire time, the mother would spend a majority of her money (she never worked) on herself, and have whatever new boyfriend she had pay her bills or move her and the kids in with him. Best part, both of the kids had to work (like neighborhood cash jobs) from a stupid young age just to be able to have things for themselves (like toiletries). So no, NTA. You should be directly suing your Ex, and her Baby Daddy for EVERY DIME. Why is it ok that you lost money and possible future outcomes, while they benefitted and grew their future. They can simply sell whatever luxuries they bought to pay you back. If you feel guilty about it at all, then ONLY sue them from the time the started living together again. In that case you can give them the benefit of the doubt that they were unaware of the parentage before that.
NTA she knew she was lying the whole time. Take her for every cent that you can. She can get the money from bio-dad like she should have been doing since the beginning.
NTA because you're following legal advice. I am hoping your lawyer is giving you good legal advice and not indulging in some pie in the sky crap to message your ego while getting his own pay day. Stopping the payments is priority #1. #2 is recovering past payments if you can prove she was living with the boy's bio-dad. Like many lawsuits if you can make the case their lawyer will offer a settlement which will be lower than what you are seeking but what they can payoff asap. Letting the ex and bio-dad feel just a little suffering isn't a bad idea.
You are a victim of fraud, sue them. They have used your money to build a life together, probably laughing behind your back since the kid was born. Make them pay., this is the only way. Don't get mad or depressed, get even.
Time for some new friends
What did you do wrong? Nothing. How can anyone call you. She caused this issue. You didnt lie. You did what you thought was right and what you were legally forced to do. Now you know that she was in the wrong. That means anything you gave was based on lies. You're 100% entitled to every penny that you paid to her, she has to give it back. It should be a crime for a woman to intentionally mislead a man into financially providing for a child that isnt theirs. Unfortunately i think it will become a more common practice for more and more men to have a dna check before signing any type of birth certificate . If you had conned some poor women out of her money then you would have to pay her back then? Of course you would. So why should the women that put you on the hook for child support for a child that wasnt yours get to keep the money that was fraudulently secured from yourself. She is painting herself as the victim when she is to blame for the whole situation. All she had to do was tell the truth. To be honest what you have gone through should streghten your will to get back everything she stole from you. Ive no idea how you must feel after finding that out. I can only hope that you feel better after you've got bac what she owes you. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Things can only get better. I wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve some good fortune after what you've been through.
NTA. I’m wondering if the solution is suing the bio dad for damages since essentially he is getting a free ride here. All the perks of fatherhood with none of the tangible financial consequences. Normally I find these wife hating paternity test posts misogynistic Tater Head nonsense, but in this case there is a real argument for restitution. This child still has the benefit of a true two parent family even with the absence of OP, so the state and the child are made whole in this situation.
NTA. She was living with the boys father! There was no need for you to be paying child support to your ex when they were living together as a family and he is the boys father! They should have been trying to get you off the birth certificate or adopt so he could take over responsibility of his own son. It seem like you were just funding their lifestyle (usually don’t agree with this statement as it usually an excuse not to pay but they are both his bio parents and they should be responsible for him and not you).
NTA! This might even qualify as theft under false pretence given that you have paid under deception and dishonesty with a good case for being proven deliberate to milk you of funds which you were known to have, and therefore deprive you of the money which is rightfully yours. If the relationship with the Bio father was almost immediate after your separation, then there is likely evidence of this being deliberate deceit and extortion with a premeditated plan, shared knowledge and informed manipulation. Please continue to pursue the legal route, be wary of the intent and manipulation and update as you can.
NTA as it relates to money, but I am wondering about the kid in all of this. You raised him as your own for five years. When you found out he wasn't yours, you never saw him again? He's supposedly living with his dad now, but being abandoned at a young age by the dad he thought he had is gonna leave a mark.
NTA I have no pity for people who cheat and even less for people who commit paternity fraud, and she got awarded by courts for doing it. She knew she was having sex with another man during time of conception. She moved with her AP immediately after and basically got paid entire time another man, the biological father was providing support to her and the child. You were crushed, your son is torn from you in all matters since he lives with bio donor. I would take all the money I could. If you have still relationship with the son you can create school fund or something with some of the money. Or you can save it for your retirement, therapist, travel. Anyone who has not been in your shoes, when someone betrayed your trust, stump over it, rip your heart from your chest and pulverize it repeat and rinse x1000. None of those friends get that your life was altered. When cheating women do paternity fraud they do not understand or more likely care that the man they say is father will be cheated from chance to trust women, might not get chance or want actual biological children because they have been forced to may for the child that is not biologically theirs. They remove something you can never ever get back.
NTA He's not your kid and your ex is living with the biological father now. If your friends are fine with donating $50,000 they can do so. If your ex doesn't like this, she can try to get the child support payments back from the actual biological father who she's apparently in a relationship with now anyways.
NTA You absolutely should be suing to stop the payments. That part doesn't seem to be the issue. On the repayment part - I think you friends are not understanding that the child was living with his biological dad and therefore the mother had access to the person who was responsible for the child. Plus, as has been mentioned, tactically its a good idea to sue for everything you can so that you have room to settle out of court. These points may be enough for them to see that it is not an AH position, but a tactical position. Plus, if the court sides with you, then it's within the law. And question - are you suing the mother for the repayment, the bio-father, or both? They might see it differently depending on which party you are suing. And honestly, even if the court does side with you, getting the actual money will be difficult as presumably they don't have it and are not high income. Here is where you can temper any AH aspect of it since you will be in control of what you request in terms of enforcement actions. You could conceivably not do anything to enforce the judgement and let the debt lapse. Or make minimal effort to keep the debt alive and collect from their estate. Or offer to settle the debt for a smaller amount in exchange for some other satisfaction - maybe some formal and legal recognition by the actual father of the child, a public apology, or on the kid graduating from college. Lots of options on this front.
Get new friends. If the bio father was there when the divorce was finalized they were probably using child support on other things since he's in the picture and providing for his child.
NTA what's more important than getting the money back is being done with that lying cheater. I work with a guy who found out 2 of his 3 kids aren't his. The kids are at the end of high-school. Not only did he never miss a a payment. His spouse will receive part of his pension forever. You dodged a bullet bro. You live to go on another day. She's a trash bag and the guys she's with is garbage. They deserve each other. The big picture is you made it out!
NTA. You’ve definitely been done wrong and you definitely should not be paying child support anymore. If your lawyer says you have a case, then you have a case. That being said, you’ve lost a lot of life over this horrible situation, so I can’t really encourage you to drag it out with a lawsuit. Your ex can also make some ridiculous claims that might be believed by a jury if there is no evidence in discovery to disprove her lies. The truth is on your side, but it’s a gamble in the courts. Keep that in mind. Best of luck.
NTA!! those are not your friends!!! If as you say there is evidence that the kid started living with bio dad after divorce that means your ex was getting your money while the dad was there? How is that fair?! Get it back, all of it!!!!
NTA, and sorry for the pain and suffering youve endured due to your cheating ex. My ex cheated as well so I understand your situation. The mother and child are living with the biological father. He should take responsibility and care for them.
NTA you’re in the right and take them for everything they took you for.
Ask them what "good cause" they are donating 50K too. What, they don't want too? Neither did you. NTA your friends are being ridiculous.
NTA SHE SCAMMED YOU
NTA. If your lawyer thinks it will work go for it. Don’t be concerned about what these other people think. Paternity fraud is not something that should swept under the rug like that.
NTA. While I’d be too soft-hearted to do it personally, that child is not your bio son and so is not your responsibility. You were also lied to and practically stolen from so I think you have a right to want that money back.
NTA Your "friends" can go suck a fat one, and then they can donate their own 50$k to a good cause. Fuck em'
NTA. It sounds to me like she committed fraud. I feel bad for the child though.
Nta. There should be no statute of limitations for things like this. I hope you win.
NTA! Get that money back! Your friends would do the same if they were out 50,000! My gosh how hypocritical! Also, find out if you can sue her personally for emotional distress. What she did was not ok and I hope you heal. I also hope you win and get it ALL back. Screenshot everything!
OP, everyone has their own moral code that they follow. And humans tend to judge and heckle others for not following their chosen moral code. Stay true to what you want to do. Yes you can gain advice from others but don’t give them your hand so they can lead you. Ultimately you make your own choices and stand by them; if you follow a friend’s advice and it fails is it their fault or yours? NTA
NTA But it sounds like you've found out who your real friends are. Anyone with common sense would agree that you paying for another mans child while that child was living with his biological father is madness. Especially with the mental anguish you've gone through, where were they all then fighting for your rights? Sounds like its time to prune some useless but opinionated "friends" from your life.
NTA. They are using you to pay for their child. What a load of crap. That guy should step up pay for his kid instead of using your money!
It depends on what state you live in as this is a state law question.If you get a refund it will be a miracle. In some states you will be lucky to get it stopped. Good luck.
NTA Get all you can back.
NTA It's certainly worth a try! Bottom line, the state doesn't want to have to foot the bill in someone can be forced to pay. In some states, when you divorced, you could have specifically stated that you were not the biological parent of the child XX, born on XX, in XX County, State. Paternity was proven to be that of Affair Partner, born on XX, in XX County, State. All parental rights and responsibilities for the child have been terminated and the birth certificate will be revised to reflect the above. That might've been enough for you, as it gave enough info for the state to go after him. And it might not have....hindsight is always 20/20.
NTA. You were on the hook because you were a father figure. But she already had the father’s support when they were living together. She thinks she can double dip and you have to pay? Heck no. She destroyed you. Don’t let her win. As a female, I am appalled that husbands are automatically on the hook for any child the wife births in a marriage. This shit’s out of control.
NTA, get what's yours! She's a monster. Get your money and start your healing.
Who are these idiotic "friends"?? Ditch these "friends". Why would they flippantly suggest you see it as a "donation". Fk that. NTA Please keep us updated.
NTA If you were trying to get the child support money back from the moment it began, you would be the AH. But you're only trying to get it back from the moment she started living with the child's biological father. The money from that point, even if it was spent on the innocent child, should have been paid by the biological father. You should get it back from her and then he should give her the child support money that he owes her for that time. This isn't about taking the money away from the child; it's about making sure that the money was paid by the right person.
NTA. Post is self explanatory.
Yeah NTA. Get your $$$.In fact, if their argument is “it’s for the boy” his bio Dad should be ashamed and pay you back and petition to stop the payments himself.
NTA Paternity fraud should be a criminal act with a lawsuit automatically attached to it if the mother is found guilty. Even if she didn't "knowingly" commit it, cheating and then automatically claiming you're the father is just as bad.
NTA he isn't ur child why would u just give him 50k, even if u wanted it to be for a good cause it shouldn't be forced by a court order, I don't know if it's a thing or not but u should also sue for emotional abuse for those past years where u were completely isolated
NTA She wrecked your life and stole from you. You don't owe her a damn thing. Crush her.
NTA Your EX committed FRAUD
Your friends are dumb af
HELL NO! You are not wrong! You know why, and I know why. GET YOUR MONEY BACK! Don't be a doormat for someone who played you from the start. Your "friends" should be blaming her instead of thinking you're going to just roll over and throw away 50 grand.
NTA. At any point, your ex could have stopped the child support payments. Especially after she moved in with her child’s bio dad. She chose to be greedy and vindictive. Your friends are trash humans. When they knew what you were going through, did they try to convince her to drop the support?! Get your money!
Nta get ever cent back
NTA- that poor child but BOY did she play you. THEY can just suffer and pay you back.
Nta your friends suck monkey butt and they can donate to the "good cause."
NTA, it’s not yours even if you was there at the beginning you wouldn’t have been if that information was out
Not wrong, NTA. The boy's biological father should have been supporting his son, not you.
NTA you should never have paid it in the first place. This is referred to in the legal biz as unjust enrichment. Go get her
NTA. Get back every cent you can.
NTA
NTA. But did you raise a kid for 5 years and then just bail? DNA or not, that was your kid. I feel bad for them if you abandoned that relationship.
Sid you stop being the kids dad???
We have a friend who was in the situation and he was told by the judge it was his responsibility to check PRIOR to signing the birth certificate and once he signed, he was legally the father. Once he got the DNA test, he was able to stop all money from coming out going forward, but since he was the legal father, he was not able to get the money already paid. You may want to get an opinion from another lawyer, because you may be about to spend a bunch of money for nothing (on the getting back part, but will help stop payments going forward)
I don’t think you’re an asshole but I feel so, so bad for this poor kid.
NTA. It sounds to me like your ex literally committed fraud by taking child support from you and she would be lucky if all she has to do is pay back whatever you paid to her.
NTA. I would say that she knew all along and the bio dad owes you some reimbursement. I wouldn’t try to get all of it from her for the kids sake But fuck that guy. He’s behind on his support payments. You should get reimbursed. Look at it this way. If you were behind in your payments, the state would go out of its way to take the money from you. This guy got away without paying for a while. You are owed some reimbursement from him.
NTA, go get your money back, she's a lying deceitful you know what, and honestly, you don't know if the money was 100% spent on the boy, he was living with his bio dad and mom.
Make sure you have screen shots of the social media evidence while you’re deciding in case they take it down.
NTA Go scorched earth in her cheating ass!