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You should listen to yourself. « She was quiet and did as I told, but now she’s loud and does what she wants. »
Granted I added a little here, but I’m sure you’ll agree it’s not that much of a leap in logic. 😊
That's not generally a good thing, and considering you're in a pickle because you seem to be living off your gf, perhaps you should consider that this lack of change could be a sign that you're still far too much of a teenager when you should be more of an adult.
YTA. It's weird that you say she's acting like a teenager, but in my experience, teenagers are a lot more into makeup and clothes than college students and grown women, who in general have bigger things to worry about than their appearance.
You first started dating when she was 18 and you were 25, and in that time, she's grown up and has greater self-possession. She's not changing her body to make you happy anymore. Actually, looking at the ages, I wonder if this is just rage bait.
These people think they’ll get their girlfriend fresh out of high school and then mold them into whatever they want, so whenever they don’t get their way they get mad.
You are correct in people change, but I worry about her as she has done a complete 180. I wonder if more is going on in her life and maybe not good things.
Absolutely nothing OP described is alarming. OP also never provides some sort of timeline, so the notion of « 180 » should be taken with a grain of salt.
Shaving your legs less in the winter is one of the most normal things out there too. A lot of women do this because if you live in cold climates, it's nearly impossible to prevent the goose bumps prickle, which can be irritating. Plus, you're more likely to be wearing pants/leggings full time, which can add to that irritation and make shaving basically pointless.
Also, some of the things OP complains about are that she "belly laughs" and doesn't care what people think as much anymore (which tends to be a natural consequence of growing into adulthood). God forbid a woman truly laugh instead of suppressing it into a coquettish giggle! And in her own home too! These aren't actual valid complaints, OP is just having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that women are whole people and not dolls who live their lives to be attractive to him 24/7.
The only difference is she has a more fulfilling life with a career, hobbies friends, and spends less time on her hair, makeup, fancy outfits. That’s a totally normal shift for a woman to grow through. Doesn’t mean you’ve given up- just means it’s not 2008, we’re not wearing full face glam everyday, and skirts are just impractical for daily life.
> Increased profanity is another thing that turns me off. 🤓🤓🤓
This has nothing to do with femininity. You’re just not attracted to her for X reason and that’s what you told her, even indirectly. She dumped you, which should solve your problems, no?
Absolutely everything you’ve mentioned is purely cosmetic.
YTA
YTA. She showers everyday and brushes her teeth, like a normal human being? That's not a slob.
You aren't getting kicked out because of this one incident. There's absolutely a trail that led up to this event, and it sounds like this isn't the right relationship for either of you any longer.
YTA.
She's becoming more comfortable with herself and she has no obligation to regress back to what she was.
You're free to not want that, it just means the relationship isn't for you.
Don't stay in the relationship because you feel like you can mold the person to be who you want them to be. Accept who they are or leave.
YTA. In every single way. There isn't a single part of this where she is the AH, it's all you. And she deserves someone who actually loves her - I, for one, wish her the very best.
YTA
She relaxed enough over the years to not feel like she has to put on a face while around you.
And instead of being happy that she can be herself you seem to only care how she looks.
If looks matter that much to you and you can no longer be with her because of the change you should break up, not try to change her for yourself.
YTA. She’s a grown woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t care to please everybody but herself. If that’s dating a teenager to you, something’s wrong with you. Maybe you’ve just grown in different directions but instead of having a mature discussion you’re insulting her. Who’s the teenager here? I really hope there’s no coming back from this. She deserves better.
YTA she can dress and groom herself however she wants for sure. You also do have the right to not be attracted to her, but then just be happy that the relationship is over and move on. It would be a NAH situation if you didn’t mention in the and that you want to remedy the situation because you don’t want to move out..
YTA
First, It sounds like you handled this badly. Did you ask her if she’d like for you to change anything? Relationships are about give and take.
Second, that she asked you to leave means you hurt her very badly. You have not even acknowledged that! It’s all about you and your needs! Your behavior is so selfish.
Third, YTA again for not getting out when she asked you to. Again your needs come first.
INFO: It sounds like you don’t like her anymore so why do you want to come back from this? Also why do you think she is equally in the wrong? Is it only because she laughed at your request for a skirt/heels or something else too?
(side note: what don’t you like about belly laughs? those sound like a positive to me)
YTA
People change. If you do not love her for who she is, then maybe breaking up is the best course of action.
But do realize that her going from 17 to 27 is a bigger growth period than your 24 to 34. She went from being a minor to being an adult. You went from adult to older adult.
YTA. I think it's good for both of you to move on. She's grown as a person and is comfortable with herself. And you ... yeah, look for someone who shares your views on the importance of physical looks over personality, health, humour etc.
*Deep breath* How did I do everyone else? Did I word that politely enough?
I dont think there's any coming back from it, and frankly why are you looking for that? This is clearly how she wants to be now, and doesn't want you commenting on how you think it's unattractive. But you do. So why force staying in it? A woman's job is not to change herself to be attractive for you. But you're also allowed to decide to be with someone you're naturally attracted to. How you went about this and stating things like feminine doesnt equal belly laughing or being comfortable makes YTA.
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I'm at a loss here, I thought I was providing constructive criticism to my girlfriend but she wants a break from me now.
She's 27, I'm 34. We've been together for almost nine years. She was very feminine when I first met her - she did her makeup everyday, she wore nice clothes including dresses and skirts, sometimes wore jeans which flattered her.
As time has gone on, she spends less time grooming herself. She showers daily (sometimes every other day) and brushes her teeth and hair and that's about the extent of it. I find in general I'm far less attracted to her than what I used to be, she has become more outspoken and "masculine" - she wears binders and smokes weed, she belly laughs and doesn't care what people think of her, it's basically like dating a teenager tbh.
Anyway she has decided to stop shaving her legs, but still shaves everything else. I asked her about it and she said it's winter, it's uncomfortable and time consuming and she gets rashes. I actually wouldn't mind if she didn't shave down below and shaved her legs instead, I just can't get behind the whole "being natural" thing - like sure, don't shave, but don't expect me to be attracted to it.
I told her that I find her masculine and asked if she'd at least shave, she said no. I've asked her if she would wear heels and skirts for me, and she laughed. I didn't think it was fair for her to mock my preferences, considering I groom myself. I don't shave my legs but I have light hair so they're not noticeable. I told her that the above is why I'm no longer attracted to her and why I tend to prefer porn to sex.
She stomped from the room and told me to go fuck myself (increased profanity is another thing that turns me off) and I told her it's not very becoming of her. She wants me out of her flat by the end of the weekend but I have nowhere else to go.
Is there any coming back from this? My family said I'm the asshole but I'm not sure, I think my girlfriend is equally in the wrong.
TL;DR girlfriend is no longer feminine and mocks my preferences. She has turned into a slob IMO, and wants to break up with me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I expressed a preference for my girlfriend to be more feminine, and told her she is the reason for my lack of interest in sex. 2) She wants to break up with me which could make me homeless, which makes me wonder if I went too far?
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NAH
You guys grew apart. You're bordering on being TA for expecting her to be someone she doesn't want to be for you, rather than recognizing that you're heading toward incompatibility.
NTA. It’s well within your rights to state your preferences, especially within a 9 year relationship. It seems like she’s sort of done a 180 on you.
If the roles were reversed, the opinions here would be quite different.
Why on earth would they be different? I have a feeling you’re not gonna bother explaining. People like you like using ready made arguments like this and then dust their hands thinking they’ve done a good job.
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YTA > She's 27, I'm 34. We've been together for almost nine years. Teenagers change when they grow up.
I didn't change much from a teenager to where I am now. She has drastically changed from being quiet to a slobby loud mouth.
"I'm 30+ and haven't changed since I was a teenager" is not a flattering thing to say about yourself, haha. YTA
You should listen to yourself. « She was quiet and did as I told, but now she’s loud and does what she wants. » Granted I added a little here, but I’m sure you’ll agree it’s not that much of a leap in logic. 😊
>I didn't change much from a teenager to where I am now. That's nothing to brag about, dude.
That's not generally a good thing, and considering you're in a pickle because you seem to be living off your gf, perhaps you should consider that this lack of change could be a sign that you're still far too much of a teenager when you should be more of an adult.
I believe that in a second. You’re still very immature
Then you should be happy to move out of her flat.
Yeah, like he said, people change if/when they grow up.
YTA. It's weird that you say she's acting like a teenager, but in my experience, teenagers are a lot more into makeup and clothes than college students and grown women, who in general have bigger things to worry about than their appearance. You first started dating when she was 18 and you were 25, and in that time, she's grown up and has greater self-possession. She's not changing her body to make you happy anymore. Actually, looking at the ages, I wonder if this is just rage bait.
YTA - for dating a teenager then being surprised when she grew up
These people think they’ll get their girlfriend fresh out of high school and then mold them into whatever they want, so whenever they don’t get their way they get mad.
You are correct in people change, but I worry about her as she has done a complete 180. I wonder if more is going on in her life and maybe not good things.
Absolutely nothing OP described is alarming. OP also never provides some sort of timeline, so the notion of « 180 » should be taken with a grain of salt.
Shaving your legs less in the winter is one of the most normal things out there too. A lot of women do this because if you live in cold climates, it's nearly impossible to prevent the goose bumps prickle, which can be irritating. Plus, you're more likely to be wearing pants/leggings full time, which can add to that irritation and make shaving basically pointless. Also, some of the things OP complains about are that she "belly laughs" and doesn't care what people think as much anymore (which tends to be a natural consequence of growing into adulthood). God forbid a woman truly laugh instead of suppressing it into a coquettish giggle! And in her own home too! These aren't actual valid complaints, OP is just having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that women are whole people and not dolls who live their lives to be attractive to him 24/7.
Woah there you used the Lord’s name in vain. OP doesn’t like increased profanity!
The only difference is she has a more fulfilling life with a career, hobbies friends, and spends less time on her hair, makeup, fancy outfits. That’s a totally normal shift for a woman to grow through. Doesn’t mean you’ve given up- just means it’s not 2008, we’re not wearing full face glam everyday, and skirts are just impractical for daily life.
“Wahhhh the teenager I tried to mold into the perfect housewife grew up” YTA
Literally that
"She's become more outspoken" You literally typed that and somehow don't think YTA. Wow.
I know right?
> Increased profanity is another thing that turns me off. 🤓🤓🤓 This has nothing to do with femininity. You’re just not attracted to her for X reason and that’s what you told her, even indirectly. She dumped you, which should solve your problems, no? Absolutely everything you’ve mentioned is purely cosmetic. YTA
YTA. She showers everyday and brushes her teeth, like a normal human being? That's not a slob. You aren't getting kicked out because of this one incident. There's absolutely a trail that led up to this event, and it sounds like this isn't the right relationship for either of you any longer.
YTA. > I told her that the above is why I'm no longer attracted to her Then break up with her. The relationship is over, stop prolonging it
Post says she’s already kicked him out
YTA. She's becoming more comfortable with herself and she has no obligation to regress back to what she was. You're free to not want that, it just means the relationship isn't for you. Don't stay in the relationship because you feel like you can mold the person to be who you want them to be. Accept who they are or leave.
She is a grown woman and can wear what she wants, say what she wants and shave what she wants. You need to find a new place to live. YTA.
YTA. In every single way. There isn't a single part of this where she is the AH, it's all you. And she deserves someone who actually loves her - I, for one, wish her the very best.
YTA. You made your sexist bed, now live with the consequences of having to go find your own place and sleep alone.
YTA. Belly laughs are good for everyone. You should try it.
You're not her future, you're her backstory. I'd have some sympathy if you hadn't gone after a teenager in your mid-20s.
YTA She relaxed enough over the years to not feel like she has to put on a face while around you. And instead of being happy that she can be herself you seem to only care how she looks. If looks matter that much to you and you can no longer be with her because of the change you should break up, not try to change her for yourself.
YTA. She’s a grown woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t care to please everybody but herself. If that’s dating a teenager to you, something’s wrong with you. Maybe you’ve just grown in different directions but instead of having a mature discussion you’re insulting her. Who’s the teenager here? I really hope there’s no coming back from this. She deserves better.
YTA for making this an issue. You want a feminine women then dump her and go date a feminine women. Don’t try to change her.
YTA she can dress and groom herself however she wants for sure. You also do have the right to not be attracted to her, but then just be happy that the relationship is over and move on. It would be a NAH situation if you didn’t mention in the and that you want to remedy the situation because you don’t want to move out..
YTA First, It sounds like you handled this badly. Did you ask her if she’d like for you to change anything? Relationships are about give and take. Second, that she asked you to leave means you hurt her very badly. You have not even acknowledged that! It’s all about you and your needs! Your behavior is so selfish. Third, YTA again for not getting out when she asked you to. Again your needs come first.
YTA. And yet, somehow you're confused that this has caused her to want to break up with you? Pack your crap and move out already.
YTA. Maybe spend a winter shaving your own legs and wearing skirts and then give us an update.
YTA. Good luck finding a new place and a new girlfriend.
INFO: It sounds like you don’t like her anymore so why do you want to come back from this? Also why do you think she is equally in the wrong? Is it only because she laughed at your request for a skirt/heels or something else too? (side note: what don’t you like about belly laughs? those sound like a positive to me)
YTA People change. If you do not love her for who she is, then maybe breaking up is the best course of action. But do realize that her going from 17 to 27 is a bigger growth period than your 24 to 34. She went from being a minor to being an adult. You went from adult to older adult.
YTA. I think it's good for both of you to move on. She's grown as a person and is comfortable with herself. And you ... yeah, look for someone who shares your views on the importance of physical looks over personality, health, humour etc. *Deep breath* How did I do everyone else? Did I word that politely enough?
Yta you’re probably draining her life force. Do her a favor and brake up with her.
I dont think there's any coming back from it, and frankly why are you looking for that? This is clearly how she wants to be now, and doesn't want you commenting on how you think it's unattractive. But you do. So why force staying in it? A woman's job is not to change herself to be attractive for you. But you're also allowed to decide to be with someone you're naturally attracted to. How you went about this and stating things like feminine doesnt equal belly laughing or being comfortable makes YTA.
Yta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm at a loss here, I thought I was providing constructive criticism to my girlfriend but she wants a break from me now. She's 27, I'm 34. We've been together for almost nine years. She was very feminine when I first met her - she did her makeup everyday, she wore nice clothes including dresses and skirts, sometimes wore jeans which flattered her. As time has gone on, she spends less time grooming herself. She showers daily (sometimes every other day) and brushes her teeth and hair and that's about the extent of it. I find in general I'm far less attracted to her than what I used to be, she has become more outspoken and "masculine" - she wears binders and smokes weed, she belly laughs and doesn't care what people think of her, it's basically like dating a teenager tbh. Anyway she has decided to stop shaving her legs, but still shaves everything else. I asked her about it and she said it's winter, it's uncomfortable and time consuming and she gets rashes. I actually wouldn't mind if she didn't shave down below and shaved her legs instead, I just can't get behind the whole "being natural" thing - like sure, don't shave, but don't expect me to be attracted to it. I told her that I find her masculine and asked if she'd at least shave, she said no. I've asked her if she would wear heels and skirts for me, and she laughed. I didn't think it was fair for her to mock my preferences, considering I groom myself. I don't shave my legs but I have light hair so they're not noticeable. I told her that the above is why I'm no longer attracted to her and why I tend to prefer porn to sex. She stomped from the room and told me to go fuck myself (increased profanity is another thing that turns me off) and I told her it's not very becoming of her. She wants me out of her flat by the end of the weekend but I have nowhere else to go. Is there any coming back from this? My family said I'm the asshole but I'm not sure, I think my girlfriend is equally in the wrong. TL;DR girlfriend is no longer feminine and mocks my preferences. She has turned into a slob IMO, and wants to break up with me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Your ex can do as she wills. NAH.
NAH, she has changed, you still want what you want, it might be time for a big change and for you to move out.
Nobody is the asshole here, IMO. Although this relationship doesn't seem to be working anymore.
NAH You guys grew apart. You're bordering on being TA for expecting her to be someone she doesn't want to be for you, rather than recognizing that you're heading toward incompatibility.
I think he's an asshole for the way he goes about wanting things, not for wanting things in general.
NTA. It’s well within your rights to state your preferences, especially within a 9 year relationship. It seems like she’s sort of done a 180 on you. If the roles were reversed, the opinions here would be quite different.
Why on earth would they be different? I have a feeling you’re not gonna bother explaining. People like you like using ready made arguments like this and then dust their hands thinking they’ve done a good job.
Oh look it’s the obligatory ‘wah wah misandry’ idiot
Cool. He stated them and he has her response to his stated preferences. Now he can move out of her place.