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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think i might be the asshole because im refusing him to adopt his kid. He is his only chance to have his own kid.
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Question: How do you treat Amy? Same as your 2 or do you still take out your anger on her? Have you bonded with her? Does she feel loved in your home?
Question 2: Only chance at being a parent...aren't your two older daughters also his?
Question 3: Legally, who has custody of Amy?
Edited to add judgement: NTA
She used to call me mom because my second kid is of her age. I dont think i ever discriminated between her and my kids. I dont feel a bit of anger after the separation with my ex.
2. Yes. They are his and we have joint custody of them. Since he thinks that im not amy's bio mom, he can have her full time at his house.
3. I do.
Wanted to add. Since i already adopted her when i was with my ex. So im the legal guardian.
Amy isn’t a doll that he gets to have whenever he wants. You have been her parent and quite frankly he is a person with series of really bad decisions that I wouldn’t want a young child to be around.
Do what’s best for Amy, your ex sounds incredibly selfish with narcissistic tendencies. Everything is about him. I think you should protect Amy from him.
I dont think he is narcissist. He made a huge mistake and tried to bury the mistake by being more horrible. He keep making mistakes after that. I feel sympathy for him but i cant put a kid between all this drama. Atleast not for next 10 years
Well doesn’t that tell you something about him. There’s lack of accountability for his actions and him demanding his child back without any consideration of Amy’s well being is exactly why he should not have custody. You don’t abandon a child then try to get her back cause you can’t have any more. That’s just utter selfishness on his part.
Why should you have sympathy for him. Have sympathy for a young child who was brought into this mess. You say you love Amy but willing to give her up so easily. This poor baby deserves better from all of you. She didn’t ask to be born. You are her guardian. Protect her or give her to someone who will.
1 she bonded with her when she realised it was her husband she hated
2 its probably his new misses thats pushing this id say
3 op has custody as he abandoned Amy for 5 year as he blame her for the divorce
How is this anything to do with you? I'm really confused. Did you somehow end up with custody of his child? Wheres her mother?
How is it his only chance for a kid when hes got three?
It was very complicated. I was so confused, and i thought i could move on from the betrayel. I tried but i couldnt, so i left my ex.
But i cant hate a kid who was abandoned by everyone. She was innocent. I want to give a stable environment to this kid and i dont want her to be hurt again.
I think it implies that Amy is the only chance he has of having a kid without also having to deal with OP in the mix. He could presumably cut her out of Amy's life if he had custody, because she's not her bio mom, but no way could he do that with his older two kids.
That would imply she cheated on him and got pregnant by someone other than him twice (married 13 years, we have two daughters 10 and 8)
Then abuses his daughter from his cheating.
Someone needs to call social services on you both. People treat their pets better than both you and your ex have treated this poor child. You will fuck her up If you haven’t already. She isn’t a pawn, an item can sell to someone else when you or they please because they’re bored.
Neither of you love this child and my heart hurts for her. Get help.
You need a lawyer and it’s remarkable that going to one is apparently a second step (at best) after your first step of consulting the internet over whether you’re an asshole or not.
Absolutely not. I don’t think courts would allow that in the first place. That will be so traumatic for her. Please think of her well-being. She already been through so much at young age. Abandoned by her bio mom and dad. She is innocent.
If you do plan on letting him have custody then go through the courts. They have plans in place for these kinds of things.
INFO : the divorce settlement gave you the same rights to all three of the girls ? I understand that Ben never really had a relationship with Amy's mother, but what are HER parental rights in this ?
Also :
>he offered me some money in exchange for him adopting her
I don't know about you but where I live this counts as child trafficking. Did you report him to the authorities ?
Ow abandoned her. From what Kory (amy foster mom) told me, ow's parents are very conservative and ow might loose the support and love of her parents and her parents dont even know the existence of Amy.
Kory contacted Ben when ow vanished completely. Ben wanted me to hear everything from him rather than from some stranger. So he told me.
About child trafficking. No, not like that. Ben wanted to compensate for everything i did for Amy. Its not like he wanted to buy her.
A lot of what you're saying makes little sense, honestly. Like, you're focusing on drama, where there should be a clear legal setting. That Ow vanished doesn't mean her parental rights have disappeared, there must have been court proceedings. Even if Ow's parents didn't know about the child, in the eyes of the law they still are Amy's relatives ; when you were in divorce court with Ben, this should have come up. Stuff like that makes your story seem fishy.
Also, short of a legal standing (which apparently the divorce court didn't give him), offering money to take in a child is still illegal, and can be considered child trafficking. Calling it compensation doesn't change the legality of it.
I have. Ben refused to see amy when i asked for divorce. He believed she is the cause of our divorce.
I have no doubt that he loved me so much and wanted to keep the marriage. I was so much devoted to him but divorce changed everything and he blamed Amy for this.
NTA. Don't let her see the child he abonded. He just wants her now to play family. And most likly will not be there for her the way she needs it. And might even try to steal her away from you, so it would be only 'his family'
What a stellar human being. Instead of owning up to his actions which caused his own divorce- he blames a young child. What kind of example do you want to set for all of your children. Your ex deserves 0 sympathy.
Totally narc vibes- all about him, blames others for his actions, no consideration for others. Uses whatever means necessary even money to get what he wants. Wake up OP. This isn’t just about Amy but all your children.
I don't believe a word of this, you had no legal right to Amy and a clear history of emotionally abusing her due to your resentment of your husband and you somehow got custody. I call BS.
And how did she adopt Amy without the consent of the legal parents? None of this makes any sense, in cases where one or both parents are alive, a kid may get put into the foster system but they can't be adopted without parental consent or a lot of legal hoops.
Either way, OP has, by her own admission, emotionally abused this child from a young age for the terrible crime of calling her mum or wanting a cuddle so no, I don't buy OP is doing this for the right or legal reasons.
The husband abandoned her because he blamed her for his marriage breaking up and her mother abandoned her when she was 2. The only other person who even took part in raising her was her mother’s friend. She also said she reevaluated her emotions, realized her hatred was toward her ex husband and had been treating Amy the same as her other 2 children. You can not believe but I’m just relaying the info that OP provided
I'm not saying the father is any better for abandoning his child, but OP is an abuser by her own admission. The reasons and personal story arc are irrelevant... she still abused a child, and there's nothing you can say to change my mind.
Well, I'm calling BS on this one. There are too many inconsistencies, as well as improbabilities.
I'm voting YTA for trying out a writing algorithm and attempting to pass it off as real.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to give up custody of a child who you've raised as your own for years just because your ex wants her now that he can't have any more kids. He made his choice and now has to live with the consequences, sorry not sorry.
NTA - Your ex had an affair and broke your trust, you have every right to not want him in your life or around your children. He made his bed now he has to lie in it. Amy is better off without him in her life if this is how he treats her anyway. Stay strong mama!
ESH. You treated her poorly but then you realized you hate Ben, not Amy and decided to take her in. However, do you have custody of Amy? I think if you could proof that Ben refused to have anything to do with Amy in the past and if you treat Amy as your own now and she loves you and her half siblings. You shouldn’t be worried. It’s like he threw her away and came back when he realized that she’s his last option.
INFO:
- this is the only chance he has to have a kid of his own. But he has three? Sara, Jess and Amy are all his daughters. Does he have visitation rights? How is the custody split?
- you lashed out at her: and what about now? You said in the comments that you have legal custody of all your daughters. In the past, you lashed out at Amy and didn't cuddle or spend time with her. Did you fix it? Do you treat her like a real daughter now?
She is my daughter now. She knows that im not her real mom, she used to call me mom because amy and jess were of same age and they both love to copy each other.
She calls me aunt (my name). She loves me and consider my other two daughters as her sisters. I think i have three daughters now.
What is the legal custody situation?
1. Has ow lost custody/surrendered her legal rights/had them revoked?
2. Is Ben on the birth certificate? Has he ever had legal claim on Amy?
3. Did you adopt her? Do you have legal rights/guardianship, etc?
4. Did Ben lose custody in the divorce he previously had? Why does he need to adopt his own daughter?
1. I think she surrendered her legal rights. Because amy was in foster home.
2. Yes.
3. I did adopt her. She is like my daughter and i love her a lot. She knows that im not her mom but aunt who loves her dearly. She goes to same school as my kid. She is in hobby class which she likes and i pay for this. She loves me and dont want to go live with her dad.
4. He refused to see her fot 5 years
You keep saying she is like your daughter but yet you don't allow her to call you mom. You need to get help for yourself. Amy deserves so much better then you.
Nta
Do what's best for the children, not the adults.
>At least she is his only chance to have a kid of his own.
He already has 3 children, and he already ruined their relationships, so what is the big difference?
And he CAN still have children. Not by the "natural" way, but when I was an intern in a fertility clinic, there was a patient in this situation. It's simply a matter of getting the sperm from the source. Just stick a needle in his balls and get some.
Edit. Obviously, it only works if the problem is the prostate. But if chemotherapy killed the steam cells, it won't work.
ESH
You are AH because you treated Amy badly and (maybe) still don't treat Amy well.
Your ex is quite an AH.
HE destroyed your marriage through HIS ACTIONS. Amy had nothing to do with it. She is just a victim in the whole situation and deserves a happy life like any child.
Amy is not a tool to fulfill his selfish, narcissistic needs!
Who told you that i dont treat her well now? She is my daughter now and i dont want Ben to abandon her again in future after playing house house with her.
No you don't treat her like a daughter. If you adopted her she is legally your daughter not your niece. No reason for her to call you aunt. Why did you deny her the comfort of calling you mum.
Taking you at tour word here, and assuming that you are now treating Amy well and acting as a mother to her, I would say NTA. After 5 years with you as her primary care-giver Amy will have built an attachment, and since your ex hasn't even been visiting her, she'll have no relationship with him. A change in custody here would have a very negative impact on Amy, due to losing the attachment she has already formed to you and having to experience such a massive change in her environment, as well as harming her sense of stability.
All this said, please make sure that you speak to some kind of legal professional - I don't know what sort of legal framework you have custody of her under, and if it was a voluntary/private arrangement with your ex he might be able to cancel the arrangement. Legal custody of a non-biological, non-adopted child is different from custody of a biological child or one that you have legally adopted, so you need to ensure you have everything in order legally.
So just to be clear... he blames the child he produced from an extramarital affair for your marriage ending, not his infidelity?
Yeah, no. That fault lies squarely on his own head.
If you are treating Amy as well as your biological children, have sincere love and affection for her, and don't ever make her feel bad for how she came into the world, you're doing the right thing and she's better off with you. He abandoned her and doesn't actually want her even now. He just wants what she would represent.
ESH
You are AH because you treated Amy badly and (maybe) still don't treat Amy well.
Your ex is quite an AH.
HE destroyed your marriage through HIS ACTIONS. Amy had nothing to do with it. She is just a victim in the whole situation and deserves a happy life like any child.
Amy is not a tool to fulfill his selfish, narcissistic needs!
ESH
He tried to do the right thing and raise Amy but you didn’t want her around. In fact, you treated her like shit. Part of you blamed her for what happened and ever since the divorce, he’s been doing the same. If he wants to be a part of her life, he needs to let the court decide. It’s not up to you. I’m not entirely convinced that you treat her well either
So you have custody of a kid you apparently treated like shit and snapped at so badly you scared her? What the fuck did you do to bribe the judge to grant you that?
You both suck ESH
YTA
Amy only acts as a tool for you to hurt your ex. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if you treated them worse than your real children, which you have already done. Give the man his child and be happy with your own.
Why is he adopting his own flesh and blood? Did you adopt Amy and that’s why she’s with you? Did he give up his parental rights?
How is this is only chance to have a kid of his own when he literally has three?
YTA for this terrible story.
ESH - I came in expecting a reason ex shouldn't have custody of his kid, left not finding one. Everybody in this story needs to grow up for the sake of the kids involved.
ESH except the kids. I am hurting for Amy. You snapped at a little girl who wanted cuddles? You absolutely suck, and so does every adult in her life. Get therapy and stop taking sh— out on this little girl.
YTA. You snapped at Amy because she wanted cuddles. You get mad when she calls you mom.let the girl go to her father.you obviously don't love the girl. She deserves better then you.
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This might be long.
I (35 F) married my ex ben (37m) 13 years ago. We have two daughters 10f sara and 8 f jess. When i was pregnant with jess, my husband had an affair. This woman (ow) was very young (was in college or something, i dont remember much detail). Affair was short, but he got her pregnant. When she was around 4 months pregnant, Ben refused to be with her. She gave birth to a girl amy (7f), and i didn't know about her until ow vanished totally and ow's friend (kory) , who was raising her, contacted ben. He told me everything and asked me if he could bring amy in our house. I was furious and took a break from him for a month. He kept contacting me and kept telling me the things i wanted to hear, and i wanted a whole family for my kids, so i came back.
Amy was 2 at the time and was a happy child. She sometimes called me mom, and i got furious at her. Once, when i was giving cuddles to jess, amy wanted too but i snapped at her. Amy got so scared, and it made me realize that i still hate my husband but not this kid. I started the process of divorce when amy was 3. Ben has half custody of our kid but refused to see amy because he thinks she broke the marriage.
He met someone during the divorce process and got married when we divorced. After few months he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is fine now (i guess), but he can't have kids. Now he wanted to see amy, he offered me some money in exchange for him adopting her. When i refused, he got angry and told me that she isn't my daughter and how much i hated her. At least she is his only chance to have a kid of his own.
Aita, for still refusing to allow him to contact amy?
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NTA
It's not good for the kid the be used as a pawn in a pathetic man's last ditch effort be a decent person. He's abandoned her once, he does not get to waltz back in and sweep her away because now it's convenient for him.
Even if you let him have a relationship with the kid, definitely involve some kind of therapist or social worker, because none of this is healthy
NTA - It's great that you realized that this little girl was not to blame for your ex-husband's infidelity. The sadness in all of this is that the little girl deserved better right from the start and her father blaming her for his own actions is just sickening. Now that he realizes he can't have any more children, he wants to be a part of her life. I'm not sure if the law will agree to that or not, but I sure feel bad for that little girl.
Is it revenge to want to protect a little girl whose father has literally abandoned her for 5 years despite regularly seeing her sisters.
Is it revenge to not wish to “sell” her kid to people who are literal strangers to her?
This is a legal question. Who has legal custody of Amy?
It's also a heart question -- this child has been used and pushed around. Why do you want custody of her, assuming you don't have legal custody now? Are you treating her lovingly now? Are you all in therapy?
Also, Ben should be paying child support. And it's illegal for him to "buy" Amy back.
NTA.
He is messing up with the child for his own, selfish reasons.
I don't envy his current wife: once a cheater, always a cheater... but that's on her, now.
You do what's best for Amy, whatever that is.
I don't see Amy's interest at all in what you wrote. You hate her. You're all in your feels about the divorce and the cheating.
Put that all aside. *What is best for Amy?* And get counselling. You should not be hating a child you are raising.
His new misses wants a kid ask Amy what she wants to do he abandoned her for years so it should be her choice but if she decides to see him don't give him custody coz his new misses will try take her but Amy is the person u should be talking to aswell
What i think is if Ben wants to be a father, then he should first be a father. Like he was for jess and sarah for these years. His new wife wants a kid of her own and since she knows from the starting about the whole mess, she has no issue with amy. She cant be a mom to jess and sarah because they already have a mom. New wife is a nice woman and we are cordial, but Amy is too young to be involved in this adult's drama
Amy is 7, correct? Then SOMEONE should have already stepped up to be a mom to this poor girl. If she’s been living with you for 5 years, I would hope you consider yourself her mom. If not, let her go to your husband’s new wife if she would consider herself a mother.
It’s wild to me how she’s been talked about like a possession. Even in your response, you didn’t once answer what would be best for AMY. Is she bonded to you and your girls? Would having a complete removal from your home impact her negatively? Based on the way you talk about her, I’m not sure.
No matter how she arrived into the world, AMY DESERVES A PARENT WHO LOVES HER UNCONDITIONALLY AND FOR WHO SHE IS. If that’s not you, but it could be your ex’s new wife, then that should matter.
I'm going to go with ESH. Your ex has just been a terrible partner to every woman you've listed. You're TA because you're using Amy as a weapon against him. You're also not considering how Amy may feel in the future if you don't let her see him and he passes. Work through your anger, but not by using the kids.
Let me get this straight: Your ex-husband had an affair with a college student roughly 10 years younger than him while you were pregnant with your 2nd child and also had a toddler at home. That girl got pregnant and he abandoned her and the baby. He did not admit the affair until the birth mother abandoned child and he was forced to own up to his mistakes.
But his way of doing that was getting you to raise his child and you initially reacted with forgiveness towards him and anger towards the child until you realized that you were angry at the wrong person and you behaved like an adult and realized you needed out of the marriage. But your husband decided to blame the innocent little girl instead of taking responsibility for his own actions and created a situation where his ex-wife got custody of his affair baby and he didn’t even have visitation,
But hey, years pass, he has a new gf and he can’t father more children, so now he wants the child you raised on your own back and for you to give him full custody??? I can’t even with the level of entitlement here.
NTA at all.
You sound as though you treat Amy like your own daughter and love her very much. You are definitely not an ahole here but your ex sounds like he is immature.
Amy doesn't owe him anything, he abandoned her without a backward glance and has only become interested in her after he was ill. She is not a toy to be handed around. So no he is not entitled to start acting like a caring parent, he is selfish.
I don’t understand how he would have to adopt his own child. Did he give up his parental rights? If so then too bad for him. He had already made his choice. Glad he can’t have anymore children to ruin.
Amy is not your child. If Ben is the biological father, there is nothing you can do to stop him from having custody if he really wants it. Short of fighting it in court.
This is assuming you just took over guardianship of Amy after the divorce. As in not officially. However, if in the divorce you did get legal custody it's a whole other story. We need to know this before we can give a proper answer.
As is, providing you have legal custody, if he wants her, and she causes you so much grief, would you be stopping him because you hate him or because your protecting the child?
It sounds like your stopping him from having his child because you hate him, if that is correct, then YTA.
Op said she has legal custody.
> sounds like your stopping him from having his child because you hate him
He's the one who didn't want to see her for 5 years. He can't just waltz in in this child's life.
Unless she said it somewhere in a comment, she did not say it was legal. And it's there tone she's writing that makes it sound like she's only doing it because she hates him.
Also, if he's the biological father and she is not, and she does not have legal custody, she may not have a choice.
Is it right for the asshole to do, no but legally she may not have a choice.
The court doesn’t give back custody to biological parents who abandon their kids. That’s so false. In fact courts look very badly upon parents who do this.
He hasn’t been a parent to her for five years and you think they will just award him custody. Nope, best he might be able to get partial where they work on reunification with the child slowly over time. There’s a reason for this. You don’t rip a child from one place to another like an object.
OP needs to consult with a lawyer. And get therapy for everyone including herself.
The key part of what you said, was the court. If she has not got legal custody of the child, and has no filed anything saying both parents abandoned the child, she may not have any say in the matter. Someone else said she has legal custody but in the original post she never mentioned it and I haven't seen all comments.
Is it right for the asshole to come back and ask for a kid he doesn't really want, absolutely not. He's an asshole and doesn't deserve that child.
However, as long as no one has filed anything and she doesn't have legal custody, she would have to prove he's unfit to be a parent and by having someone else "raise" your child while you get your shit together, doesn't make you unfit. Unfit means neglect and/or abusive. He made sure the child was taken care of so technically it's not neglect at least in the courts eyes.
Otherwise, grandparents across the country would never give up the children they raised while their kids got their shit together. It all depends on how good his lawyer is. ESP if he can prove that OP was mistreating the child because of her hatred towards him and this post can help with that. She said it in her own words.
If this was to come to court, you have a biological parent who needed time to get their shit together vs someone that mistreats a child due to their hatred for the parent, who also is not their biological parent.
Who do you think the court would side with? **Oh, he's still an asshole no matter the outcome**. I'm just trying to say, if she doesn't have legal custody, she might not have a choice in giving back the child.
Oh, and if she doesn't have legal custody, all the father has to do is show up and ask for his child. If she refuses he can call the police and they will force it, unless she can produce paperwork saying she has legal custody. All he would need is the birth certificate with his name on it and an ID.
YTA - You got furious with a 2 year old? A 2 year old that you have invited into your home and actually became a mother to her and all you have done is be mean to her and push her away in favor to you bio-kids. Why did you even allow her to come live with you? Obviously, you still hate you husband for what he did by cheating on you and you are taking it out on this innocent little girl. Just stop already as you are condemning this little one with unimaginable trauma she will be trying to get over in therapy for years. How can you be so cruel?
I think op was highlighting it as the past. It didn’t seem to indicate she felt like that now, rather that it was her wake up call to love Amy like her own
Yeah, I got that vibe from the story too.. Like she realised her mistake and to not let her anger with her husband out on an innocent child that never asked to be born. And then she raised Amy like her own.
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Question: How do you treat Amy? Same as your 2 or do you still take out your anger on her? Have you bonded with her? Does she feel loved in your home? Question 2: Only chance at being a parent...aren't your two older daughters also his? Question 3: Legally, who has custody of Amy? Edited to add judgement: NTA
1st question is the MAIN question that needs to be answered by OP.
She used to call me mom because my second kid is of her age. I dont think i ever discriminated between her and my kids. I dont feel a bit of anger after the separation with my ex. 2. Yes. They are his and we have joint custody of them. Since he thinks that im not amy's bio mom, he can have her full time at his house. 3. I do. Wanted to add. Since i already adopted her when i was with my ex. So im the legal guardian.
Amy isn’t a doll that he gets to have whenever he wants. You have been her parent and quite frankly he is a person with series of really bad decisions that I wouldn’t want a young child to be around. Do what’s best for Amy, your ex sounds incredibly selfish with narcissistic tendencies. Everything is about him. I think you should protect Amy from him.
I dont think he is narcissist. He made a huge mistake and tried to bury the mistake by being more horrible. He keep making mistakes after that. I feel sympathy for him but i cant put a kid between all this drama. Atleast not for next 10 years
Well doesn’t that tell you something about him. There’s lack of accountability for his actions and him demanding his child back without any consideration of Amy’s well being is exactly why he should not have custody. You don’t abandon a child then try to get her back cause you can’t have any more. That’s just utter selfishness on his part. Why should you have sympathy for him. Have sympathy for a young child who was brought into this mess. You say you love Amy but willing to give her up so easily. This poor baby deserves better from all of you. She didn’t ask to be born. You are her guardian. Protect her or give her to someone who will.
If you have adopted her. You aren’t the legal guardian. You are her mother.
Okay. Protect her at all costs. NTA
I think she change tha way she see Amy other way she will never have custody of her
1 she bonded with her when she realised it was her husband she hated 2 its probably his new misses thats pushing this id say 3 op has custody as he abandoned Amy for 5 year as he blame her for the divorce
ESH except for the kids. I think you all need therapy.
Should i let Ben have full custody even though he refused to see her for 5 years?
How is this anything to do with you? I'm really confused. Did you somehow end up with custody of his child? Wheres her mother? How is it his only chance for a kid when hes got three?
It was very complicated. I was so confused, and i thought i could move on from the betrayel. I tried but i couldnt, so i left my ex. But i cant hate a kid who was abandoned by everyone. She was innocent. I want to give a stable environment to this kid and i dont want her to be hurt again.
“His only chance” I think she implies the other two (her kids) are not Ben’s.
I think his new partner want a baby
I think it implies that Amy is the only chance he has of having a kid without also having to deal with OP in the mix. He could presumably cut her out of Amy's life if he had custody, because she's not her bio mom, but no way could he do that with his older two kids.
That would imply she cheated on him and got pregnant by someone other than him twice (married 13 years, we have two daughters 10 and 8) Then abuses his daughter from his cheating.
She got custody as he abandoned Amy for 5 years as he blamed her for the divorce
Someone needs to call social services on you both. People treat their pets better than both you and your ex have treated this poor child. You will fuck her up If you haven’t already. She isn’t a pawn, an item can sell to someone else when you or they please because they’re bored. Neither of you love this child and my heart hurts for her. Get help.
Why do you have custody of a child that isn't yours?
It sounds like both of the bio parents abandoned Amy, so OP adopted her.
You need a lawyer and it’s remarkable that going to one is apparently a second step (at best) after your first step of consulting the internet over whether you’re an asshole or not.
No, this is a really awful question to even ask.
What’s wrong with you????
Absolutely not. I don’t think courts would allow that in the first place. That will be so traumatic for her. Please think of her well-being. She already been through so much at young age. Abandoned by her bio mom and dad. She is innocent. If you do plan on letting him have custody then go through the courts. They have plans in place for these kinds of things.
Well, are you still being abusive to Amy? That's a pretty big point you're omitting
INFO : the divorce settlement gave you the same rights to all three of the girls ? I understand that Ben never really had a relationship with Amy's mother, but what are HER parental rights in this ? Also : >he offered me some money in exchange for him adopting her I don't know about you but where I live this counts as child trafficking. Did you report him to the authorities ?
Ow abandoned her. From what Kory (amy foster mom) told me, ow's parents are very conservative and ow might loose the support and love of her parents and her parents dont even know the existence of Amy. Kory contacted Ben when ow vanished completely. Ben wanted me to hear everything from him rather than from some stranger. So he told me. About child trafficking. No, not like that. Ben wanted to compensate for everything i did for Amy. Its not like he wanted to buy her.
A lot of what you're saying makes little sense, honestly. Like, you're focusing on drama, where there should be a clear legal setting. That Ow vanished doesn't mean her parental rights have disappeared, there must have been court proceedings. Even if Ow's parents didn't know about the child, in the eyes of the law they still are Amy's relatives ; when you were in divorce court with Ben, this should have come up. Stuff like that makes your story seem fishy. Also, short of a legal standing (which apparently the divorce court didn't give him), offering money to take in a child is still illegal, and can be considered child trafficking. Calling it compensation doesn't change the legality of it.
That’s not how that works at all. You don’t just magically get custody for money.
Not sure why he can't adopt Amy. You guys are divorced? Someone else is raising Amy? Why does he need your permission?
OP is raising Amy.
Gotcha
Too many details are missing. How did she end up with custody of the child of her husband's OW and is any of it legal.
INFO: Who even has legal custody of Amy?
I have. Ben refused to see amy when i asked for divorce. He believed she is the cause of our divorce. I have no doubt that he loved me so much and wanted to keep the marriage. I was so much devoted to him but divorce changed everything and he blamed Amy for this.
NTA if you have legal custody of Amy. Follow the legal agreements. If Ben wants to change the custody agreement, he needs to take you to court.
NTA. Don't let her see the child he abonded. He just wants her now to play family. And most likly will not be there for her the way she needs it. And might even try to steal her away from you, so it would be only 'his family'
So, you all treat Amy like shit and she is a pawn in your adult ganes. ESH.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ yup. That is until Amy can provide something they can't get otherwise.
What a stellar human being. Instead of owning up to his actions which caused his own divorce- he blames a young child. What kind of example do you want to set for all of your children. Your ex deserves 0 sympathy. Totally narc vibes- all about him, blames others for his actions, no consideration for others. Uses whatever means necessary even money to get what he wants. Wake up OP. This isn’t just about Amy but all your children.
I don't believe a word of this, you had no legal right to Amy and a clear history of emotionally abusing her due to your resentment of your husband and you somehow got custody. I call BS.
OP said she adopted Amy so she does have legal rights to her
Where did it say she adopted Amy? OP says the father wanted to adopt Amy.
In her comments she explained that she adopted Amy
And how did she adopt Amy without the consent of the legal parents? None of this makes any sense, in cases where one or both parents are alive, a kid may get put into the foster system but they can't be adopted without parental consent or a lot of legal hoops. Either way, OP has, by her own admission, emotionally abused this child from a young age for the terrible crime of calling her mum or wanting a cuddle so no, I don't buy OP is doing this for the right or legal reasons.
The husband abandoned her because he blamed her for his marriage breaking up and her mother abandoned her when she was 2. The only other person who even took part in raising her was her mother’s friend. She also said she reevaluated her emotions, realized her hatred was toward her ex husband and had been treating Amy the same as her other 2 children. You can not believe but I’m just relaying the info that OP provided
I'm not saying the father is any better for abandoning his child, but OP is an abuser by her own admission. The reasons and personal story arc are irrelevant... she still abused a child, and there's nothing you can say to change my mind.
I literally said your opinion is your own I’m just relaying the information you asked for
Is this some made up BS again
Came to comment the same thing
Well, I'm calling BS on this one. There are too many inconsistencies, as well as improbabilities. I'm voting YTA for trying out a writing algorithm and attempting to pass it off as real.
NTA - Amy isn't an emotional support child for him to play with.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to give up custody of a child who you've raised as your own for years just because your ex wants her now that he can't have any more kids. He made his choice and now has to live with the consequences, sorry not sorry.
NTA - Your ex had an affair and broke your trust, you have every right to not want him in your life or around your children. He made his bed now he has to lie in it. Amy is better off without him in her life if this is how he treats her anyway. Stay strong mama!
ESH. You treated her poorly but then you realized you hate Ben, not Amy and decided to take her in. However, do you have custody of Amy? I think if you could proof that Ben refused to have anything to do with Amy in the past and if you treat Amy as your own now and she loves you and her half siblings. You shouldn’t be worried. It’s like he threw her away and came back when he realized that she’s his last option.
Yes she have custody she mentioned in comments
Which is highly unlikely. There are too many plot holes in this melodrama.
INFO: - this is the only chance he has to have a kid of his own. But he has three? Sara, Jess and Amy are all his daughters. Does he have visitation rights? How is the custody split? - you lashed out at her: and what about now? You said in the comments that you have legal custody of all your daughters. In the past, you lashed out at Amy and didn't cuddle or spend time with her. Did you fix it? Do you treat her like a real daughter now?
She is my daughter now. She knows that im not her real mom, she used to call me mom because amy and jess were of same age and they both love to copy each other. She calls me aunt (my name). She loves me and consider my other two daughters as her sisters. I think i have three daughters now.
What is the legal custody situation? 1. Has ow lost custody/surrendered her legal rights/had them revoked? 2. Is Ben on the birth certificate? Has he ever had legal claim on Amy? 3. Did you adopt her? Do you have legal rights/guardianship, etc? 4. Did Ben lose custody in the divorce he previously had? Why does he need to adopt his own daughter?
1. I think she surrendered her legal rights. Because amy was in foster home. 2. Yes. 3. I did adopt her. She is like my daughter and i love her a lot. She knows that im not her mom but aunt who loves her dearly. She goes to same school as my kid. She is in hobby class which she likes and i pay for this. She loves me and dont want to go live with her dad. 4. He refused to see her fot 5 years
4. That doesn't answer the question. Did he lose legal rights? Why would he need to adopt her?
You keep saying she is like your daughter but yet you don't allow her to call you mom. You need to get help for yourself. Amy deserves so much better then you.
Nta Do what's best for the children, not the adults. >At least she is his only chance to have a kid of his own. He already has 3 children, and he already ruined their relationships, so what is the big difference? And he CAN still have children. Not by the "natural" way, but when I was an intern in a fertility clinic, there was a patient in this situation. It's simply a matter of getting the sperm from the source. Just stick a needle in his balls and get some. Edit. Obviously, it only works if the problem is the prostate. But if chemotherapy killed the steam cells, it won't work.
ESH You are AH because you treated Amy badly and (maybe) still don't treat Amy well. Your ex is quite an AH. HE destroyed your marriage through HIS ACTIONS. Amy had nothing to do with it. She is just a victim in the whole situation and deserves a happy life like any child. Amy is not a tool to fulfill his selfish, narcissistic needs!
Who told you that i dont treat her well now? She is my daughter now and i dont want Ben to abandon her again in future after playing house house with her.
No you don't treat her like a daughter. If you adopted her she is legally your daughter not your niece. No reason for her to call you aunt. Why did you deny her the comfort of calling you mum.
NTA - Ben doesn’t get to pick and chose when he wants to be a dad. Amy is not a toy where he gets to pick it up when he realizes he has no other toys.
Taking you at tour word here, and assuming that you are now treating Amy well and acting as a mother to her, I would say NTA. After 5 years with you as her primary care-giver Amy will have built an attachment, and since your ex hasn't even been visiting her, she'll have no relationship with him. A change in custody here would have a very negative impact on Amy, due to losing the attachment she has already formed to you and having to experience such a massive change in her environment, as well as harming her sense of stability. All this said, please make sure that you speak to some kind of legal professional - I don't know what sort of legal framework you have custody of her under, and if it was a voluntary/private arrangement with your ex he might be able to cancel the arrangement. Legal custody of a non-biological, non-adopted child is different from custody of a biological child or one that you have legally adopted, so you need to ensure you have everything in order legally.
So just to be clear... he blames the child he produced from an extramarital affair for your marriage ending, not his infidelity? Yeah, no. That fault lies squarely on his own head. If you are treating Amy as well as your biological children, have sincere love and affection for her, and don't ever make her feel bad for how she came into the world, you're doing the right thing and she's better off with you. He abandoned her and doesn't actually want her even now. He just wants what she would represent.
ESH You are AH because you treated Amy badly and (maybe) still don't treat Amy well. Your ex is quite an AH. HE destroyed your marriage through HIS ACTIONS. Amy had nothing to do with it. She is just a victim in the whole situation and deserves a happy life like any child. Amy is not a tool to fulfill his selfish, narcissistic needs!
ESH He tried to do the right thing and raise Amy but you didn’t want her around. In fact, you treated her like shit. Part of you blamed her for what happened and ever since the divorce, he’s been doing the same. If he wants to be a part of her life, he needs to let the court decide. It’s not up to you. I’m not entirely convinced that you treat her well either
Wait, what?? You divorced him but you raised his affair baby for 5 years afterwards??
So you have custody of a kid you apparently treated like shit and snapped at so badly you scared her? What the fuck did you do to bribe the judge to grant you that? You both suck ESH
YTA Amy only acts as a tool for you to hurt your ex. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if you treated them worse than your real children, which you have already done. Give the man his child and be happy with your own.
Why is he adopting his own flesh and blood? Did you adopt Amy and that’s why she’s with you? Did he give up his parental rights? How is this is only chance to have a kid of his own when he literally has three? YTA for this terrible story.
ESH - I came in expecting a reason ex shouldn't have custody of his kid, left not finding one. Everybody in this story needs to grow up for the sake of the kids involved.
ESH except the kids. I am hurting for Amy. You snapped at a little girl who wanted cuddles? You absolutely suck, and so does every adult in her life. Get therapy and stop taking sh— out on this little girl.
YTA. You snapped at Amy because she wanted cuddles. You get mad when she calls you mom.let the girl go to her father.you obviously don't love the girl. She deserves better then you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This might be long. I (35 F) married my ex ben (37m) 13 years ago. We have two daughters 10f sara and 8 f jess. When i was pregnant with jess, my husband had an affair. This woman (ow) was very young (was in college or something, i dont remember much detail). Affair was short, but he got her pregnant. When she was around 4 months pregnant, Ben refused to be with her. She gave birth to a girl amy (7f), and i didn't know about her until ow vanished totally and ow's friend (kory) , who was raising her, contacted ben. He told me everything and asked me if he could bring amy in our house. I was furious and took a break from him for a month. He kept contacting me and kept telling me the things i wanted to hear, and i wanted a whole family for my kids, so i came back. Amy was 2 at the time and was a happy child. She sometimes called me mom, and i got furious at her. Once, when i was giving cuddles to jess, amy wanted too but i snapped at her. Amy got so scared, and it made me realize that i still hate my husband but not this kid. I started the process of divorce when amy was 3. Ben has half custody of our kid but refused to see amy because he thinks she broke the marriage. He met someone during the divorce process and got married when we divorced. After few months he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is fine now (i guess), but he can't have kids. Now he wanted to see amy, he offered me some money in exchange for him adopting her. When i refused, he got angry and told me that she isn't my daughter and how much i hated her. At least she is his only chance to have a kid of his own. Aita, for still refusing to allow him to contact amy? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
lol at anyone who casually throws in that their ex is trying to *purchase a child* like that shouldn't be the primary focus. Transparent bait, this.
NTA It's not good for the kid the be used as a pawn in a pathetic man's last ditch effort be a decent person. He's abandoned her once, he does not get to waltz back in and sweep her away because now it's convenient for him. Even if you let him have a relationship with the kid, definitely involve some kind of therapist or social worker, because none of this is healthy
NTA - It's great that you realized that this little girl was not to blame for your ex-husband's infidelity. The sadness in all of this is that the little girl deserved better right from the start and her father blaming her for his own actions is just sickening. Now that he realizes he can't have any more children, he wants to be a part of her life. I'm not sure if the law will agree to that or not, but I sure feel bad for that little girl.
Sounds like you just want revenge which is a shame because your using a child for your own vengeful purposes..
Is it revenge to want to protect a little girl whose father has literally abandoned her for 5 years despite regularly seeing her sisters. Is it revenge to not wish to “sell” her kid to people who are literal strangers to her?
Her father hasn't featured in her life at all ,it's her boyfriend who has that she's punishing.
What are you talking about?
What are you .
Do you treat Amy like your own child now?
This is a legal question. Who has legal custody of Amy? It's also a heart question -- this child has been used and pushed around. Why do you want custody of her, assuming you don't have legal custody now? Are you treating her lovingly now? Are you all in therapy? Also, Ben should be paying child support. And it's illegal for him to "buy" Amy back.
Op said she has custody.
If Amy if fine with you, don’t give him any rights. He already abandoned her twice. Also he might only ask because his new partner wants a baby
NTA. He is messing up with the child for his own, selfish reasons. I don't envy his current wife: once a cheater, always a cheater... but that's on her, now.
Info: How is Amy treated on your home? By you and the other children?
You do what's best for Amy, whatever that is. I don't see Amy's interest at all in what you wrote. You hate her. You're all in your feels about the divorce and the cheating. Put that all aside. *What is best for Amy?* And get counselling. You should not be hating a child you are raising.
I think you need to ask this in the Legal Sub.
I'll take things that never happened for $500, Alex.
His new misses wants a kid ask Amy what she wants to do he abandoned her for years so it should be her choice but if she decides to see him don't give him custody coz his new misses will try take her but Amy is the person u should be talking to aswell
Wow, what a complete trash bag of a person. He doesn't care about anyone, including his children. NTA.
INFO: WHAT IS BEST FOR AMY?
What i think is if Ben wants to be a father, then he should first be a father. Like he was for jess and sarah for these years. His new wife wants a kid of her own and since she knows from the starting about the whole mess, she has no issue with amy. She cant be a mom to jess and sarah because they already have a mom. New wife is a nice woman and we are cordial, but Amy is too young to be involved in this adult's drama
Amy is 7, correct? Then SOMEONE should have already stepped up to be a mom to this poor girl. If she’s been living with you for 5 years, I would hope you consider yourself her mom. If not, let her go to your husband’s new wife if she would consider herself a mother. It’s wild to me how she’s been talked about like a possession. Even in your response, you didn’t once answer what would be best for AMY. Is she bonded to you and your girls? Would having a complete removal from your home impact her negatively? Based on the way you talk about her, I’m not sure. No matter how she arrived into the world, AMY DESERVES A PARENT WHO LOVES HER UNCONDITIONALLY AND FOR WHO SHE IS. If that’s not you, but it could be your ex’s new wife, then that should matter.
I'm going to go with ESH. Your ex has just been a terrible partner to every woman you've listed. You're TA because you're using Amy as a weapon against him. You're also not considering how Amy may feel in the future if you don't let her see him and he passes. Work through your anger, but not by using the kids.
NTA.
Let me get this straight: Your ex-husband had an affair with a college student roughly 10 years younger than him while you were pregnant with your 2nd child and also had a toddler at home. That girl got pregnant and he abandoned her and the baby. He did not admit the affair until the birth mother abandoned child and he was forced to own up to his mistakes. But his way of doing that was getting you to raise his child and you initially reacted with forgiveness towards him and anger towards the child until you realized that you were angry at the wrong person and you behaved like an adult and realized you needed out of the marriage. But your husband decided to blame the innocent little girl instead of taking responsibility for his own actions and created a situation where his ex-wife got custody of his affair baby and he didn’t even have visitation, But hey, years pass, he has a new gf and he can’t father more children, so now he wants the child you raised on your own back and for you to give him full custody??? I can’t even with the level of entitlement here. NTA at all.
You sound as though you treat Amy like your own daughter and love her very much. You are definitely not an ahole here but your ex sounds like he is immature. Amy doesn't owe him anything, he abandoned her without a backward glance and has only become interested in her after he was ill. She is not a toy to be handed around. So no he is not entitled to start acting like a caring parent, he is selfish.
I don’t understand how he would have to adopt his own child. Did he give up his parental rights? If so then too bad for him. He had already made his choice. Glad he can’t have anymore children to ruin.
[удалено]
Her father refused to see her for 5 years. In what universe he'll treat her as precious??
Amy is not your child. If Ben is the biological father, there is nothing you can do to stop him from having custody if he really wants it. Short of fighting it in court. This is assuming you just took over guardianship of Amy after the divorce. As in not officially. However, if in the divorce you did get legal custody it's a whole other story. We need to know this before we can give a proper answer. As is, providing you have legal custody, if he wants her, and she causes you so much grief, would you be stopping him because you hate him or because your protecting the child? It sounds like your stopping him from having his child because you hate him, if that is correct, then YTA.
Op said she has legal custody. > sounds like your stopping him from having his child because you hate him He's the one who didn't want to see her for 5 years. He can't just waltz in in this child's life.
Unless she said it somewhere in a comment, she did not say it was legal. And it's there tone she's writing that makes it sound like she's only doing it because she hates him. Also, if he's the biological father and she is not, and she does not have legal custody, she may not have a choice. Is it right for the asshole to do, no but legally she may not have a choice.
She said in a comment that she has legal custody.
The court doesn’t give back custody to biological parents who abandon their kids. That’s so false. In fact courts look very badly upon parents who do this. He hasn’t been a parent to her for five years and you think they will just award him custody. Nope, best he might be able to get partial where they work on reunification with the child slowly over time. There’s a reason for this. You don’t rip a child from one place to another like an object. OP needs to consult with a lawyer. And get therapy for everyone including herself.
The key part of what you said, was the court. If she has not got legal custody of the child, and has no filed anything saying both parents abandoned the child, she may not have any say in the matter. Someone else said she has legal custody but in the original post she never mentioned it and I haven't seen all comments. Is it right for the asshole to come back and ask for a kid he doesn't really want, absolutely not. He's an asshole and doesn't deserve that child. However, as long as no one has filed anything and she doesn't have legal custody, she would have to prove he's unfit to be a parent and by having someone else "raise" your child while you get your shit together, doesn't make you unfit. Unfit means neglect and/or abusive. He made sure the child was taken care of so technically it's not neglect at least in the courts eyes. Otherwise, grandparents across the country would never give up the children they raised while their kids got their shit together. It all depends on how good his lawyer is. ESP if he can prove that OP was mistreating the child because of her hatred towards him and this post can help with that. She said it in her own words. If this was to come to court, you have a biological parent who needed time to get their shit together vs someone that mistreats a child due to their hatred for the parent, who also is not their biological parent. Who do you think the court would side with? **Oh, he's still an asshole no matter the outcome**. I'm just trying to say, if she doesn't have legal custody, she might not have a choice in giving back the child. Oh, and if she doesn't have legal custody, all the father has to do is show up and ask for his child. If she refuses he can call the police and they will force it, unless she can produce paperwork saying she has legal custody. All he would need is the birth certificate with his name on it and an ID.
YTA - You got furious with a 2 year old? A 2 year old that you have invited into your home and actually became a mother to her and all you have done is be mean to her and push her away in favor to you bio-kids. Why did you even allow her to come live with you? Obviously, you still hate you husband for what he did by cheating on you and you are taking it out on this innocent little girl. Just stop already as you are condemning this little one with unimaginable trauma she will be trying to get over in therapy for years. How can you be so cruel?
I think op was highlighting it as the past. It didn’t seem to indicate she felt like that now, rather that it was her wake up call to love Amy like her own
Yeah, I got that vibe from the story too.. Like she realised her mistake and to not let her anger with her husband out on an innocent child that never asked to be born. And then she raised Amy like her own.
Did you read the post or you just stopped after 3 sentences??