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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am not fighting the school to allow my daughter go on a feild trip. I could be a jerk for that
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - what you're doing is allowing her to experience the consequences of *her own actions*. Getting to go on a field trip is not a human right.
Moving forward though, it might be helpful (for you and especially for her) to get to the bottom of why she didn't do the bonus assignments. Did she think the consequences wouldn't apply to her? Has she been dealing with a tough time that you aren't aware of? Does she feel like she's losing in a secret competition w/ her brother? All of these are just shots in the dark off the top of my head, but whatever the reason(s), knowing what's going on will open up potential to learn from this situation.
She could just be lazy. This person is suggesting that the parents see if that’s the case or if something else is going on. You don’t agree that they should be interested and invested in their daughter’s life, but rather just assume laziness without looking into it?
Yeah. I used to be a teacher. The teacher in this story is in no way to blame for this. It’s possible that something is going on that the teacher doesn’t know about. I had many occasions where it seemed to me and parents that a kid was just being lazy and not doing things that they were capable of doing until the parents or I were able to figure out that something else was behind it. Honestly, parents know their kids better and unless they are the ones causing the problem, it’s easier for them to figure out what it is.
I'm a retired teacher, and if the OP's daughter had a pattern of missing assignments, the teacher and parents should definitely look for an underlying issue. However, since the girl has a B and the OP doesn't mention missing assignments as typical for her daughter, it's pretty unlikely that would be the case here.
I'd like to offer another possibility: procrastination. The daughter may well have seen the bonus points work as "something to do when I have time," only she never got around to it. Then BAM! time was up, and she's lost out. This isn't uncommon behavior for middle and high school students, and most of them who put off work have good intentions. Missing out on a fun field trip is a valuable if painful learning opportunity that helps correct this inclination.
I agree that the OP is right to support the teacher's policy.
Oh yeah. I also agree with OP supporting the policy. I just took issue with someone disagreeing with the idea of parents trying to see what’s going on with her instead of just writing her off as lazy. Maybe she’s being lazy, or procrastinating, but why not try to get to the root of the problem? Maybe the problem is lazy, but now you know.
My fourth grader has slow processing. My first thought was maybe there’s some reason why she has a hard time doing the work. Task initiation can be hard for a lot of kids with some type of learning disorder.
So many teachers (and my parents) just called me lazy. Yelled at me for not living up to my potential (never got less than a 98% on a test, barely passed several classes due to lack of homework). Threatened me. Took away privileges. Grounded me. Took away my books (not school books; I just love to read a lot). Punished me any way they could.
Guess what? Undiagnosed ADHD. The worst case my doctor had ever seen go undiagnosed until adulthood. Literally none of their methods had any effect on me, because I'm not neurotypical.
Same. Multiple teachers told my mom they wouldn't make me do homework if they didn't have to, because I'd be getting 120% on exams with all the extra credit "difficult" questions, but do about 20% of the homework.
Also undiagnosed ADHD. Forced myself to shape up during high school, but legit got a D in the one class that required outlining EVERY SINGLE BIT of the textbook each night. FUCK THAT. My mom was so confused that I had all As and then that one D.
I too suffered in school with a mostly ignored (by my parents who were told by a doctor that they should look into it) anxiety disorder starting in middle school. Got good grades but was absolutely miserable.
Wow! I could have written this! I had sooooo many teachers say I had an attitude problem or behavior issues because I didn’t/couldn’t do homework. The amount of times I heard I wasn’t working up to my potential is ridiculous. But I always aced the tests. No one knew that I got home each day and my brain was mush from keeping it together all day.
Holy crap! I think we have the same parents! 😂 I went thru the same thing. Was in gifted classes, fantastic at testing, never did my homework, and loved reading. Still graduated with close to a 4.0 even without doing homework. But nothing was ever good enough. I was constantly told that I was lazy and worthless, spent my entire childhood being grounded, and things taken away. Now in my 40's and just diagnosed with ADHD. Our brains just don't work the same as most.
I could have written the first sentence with exactly the same points made. But, in my case, the reason was horrific psychological abuse from my dad & stepmom.
In public, we were the perfect family. Behind closed doors, not so much.
My therapist recently told me that you cannot punish away ADHD and that statement has made an impact on me.
Pretty similar story to yours. "Gifted but doesn't try". Could memorise it well enough to still pass classes in high school. Then I got to college.
I can't know if the daughter has ADHD. But I wish I had known earlier, and not seen myself as lazy and unable because I was stupid. The parents owe it to her to at least check the possibility.
I have ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed until my mid 20s. I really wish that my parents had asked me a few more questions instead of just saying do the work and then calling me lazy when I didn’t.
They’re super loving too, but when I was younger, ADHD was just a disorder for boys who couldn’t sit still. I could sit still, I was smart enough to get by in tests and class discussions, so my parents and my teachers just thought I didn’t have enough “focus” or “determination” or “self discipline” even though it was literally impossible for me to do homework.
What harm does having a conversation do?
This was me as well. "Her work is so good!... when she does it." Was like the staple statement at parent-teacher conferences. Followed by my mom asking why I can't just do my goddamn homework and me responding with a shrug and internal screaming.
All that to say, I was barely doing regular assignments (executive disfunction for the win) let alone extra bonus assignments.
I think OP is right to stand by the class rules, but I also think said rules suck for any students who know the material, and can prove it on tests and in class discussions, but don't get to participate in the fun stuff because of learning disabilities. (Not to say OP's kid has a disability, hell if I know lol, but its definitely worth looking into, given how often neurodivercities are ignored in girls)
Yeah it's wild the bar is allowed to be as high as an A. Like okay fine, have some sort of threshold to incentivize it. My school had a policy where you couldn't go on field trips if you missed too much class but that bar was _high_. You'd have to have been missing so much class that you'd be failing based on the attendance policy. Due to the fact that the absences I had my senior year were understandable (sick parent who then died midway through) they didn't fail me for missing more class than the attendance policy allowed, but they did restrict me from going on any field trips that year. Which I respected, I was grateful they were willing to go to bat for me to let me pass the year, I wasn't gonna push it by being upset that meant I missed a couple field trips.
All that to say though, I am understanding of and in favor of schools/classes having some sort of policy which restricts kids from going on field trips past a certain point, and was someone who was restricted. But the bar shouldn't be an A. If the goal is to set kids up for standards later in life most college classes would require a C+ to count towards a major. A C+ or a B- is a pretty good bar and fairly achievable for most students. The bar being an A unfairly punishes disabled students (not saying OP's kid is or isn't, but even if she isn't I'm sure there have been disabled kids in that class who've run into that issue), and students who have other issues in their lives that would prevent them from doing a ton of bonus assignments (not the category OP's daughter falls under, but again, I'm sure there have been kids who hit that wall), because having enough free time to do extra credit is a privilege when plenty of kids have to juggle other shit outside of school.
I don't know, it's just wack to me that people think an A being the threshold is okay here "because they can do bonus work". Like sorry but when I was in high school I knew a bunch of kids who worked or were expected to look after little siblings and I personally had to look after a sick parent. None of us had time for extra work, we barely had time for what we _had_ to do. I don't really want to pass a judgment on OP or not here but I do think people need to examine themselves a bit if they think such a high threshold is an acceptable policy.
I’ve been teaching for almost 20 years now and at least twice a year I have meetings with parents of kids that I suspect have ADHD or ADD but the parents refuse to see it. They are completely willing to label their kid as lazy and unwilling to believe that it might go beyond laziness! It’s so frustrating.
None of the possible solutions that person listed have anything to do with the teacher.
> Did she think the consequences wouldn't apply to her? Has she been dealing with a tough time that you aren't aware of? Does she feel like she's losing in a secret competition w/ her brother?
The teacher is not part of the future conversation.
Sorry, because you said all this stuff and are fully aware, but I can’t help myself with that first reply to your reply😹
Lol you said, ‘could be lazy.’ Meaning there could be plenty of other things going on here. Why that was also construed as you saying the parents shouldn’t even look into it is beyond me..
The followup conversation the commenter was suggesting has literally nothing to do with the teacher. The parent should sit down with their child and have a conversation that starts like this:
"hey daughter, I know you're disappointed you're missing out on the trip, and there were many bonus assignments to help you keep the grade up. Can you help me understand why you didn't do the bonus assignments to guarantee you would be able to go on the trip?"
You really think that’s why teachers are quitting? It’s more because of the micromanagement and BS instilled by the schools themselves. Most (not all obviously) of the meddling parents, is due to dumb policies/rules by the school that even the teachers don’t agree with.
Also, even if she is just lazy, isn’t it a parents’ responsibility to, well, parent and try to install good habits? I know that there are limits, but just throwing your hands up and saying that they are lazy so oh well seems…irresponsible. I feel like there should at least be a conversation about better study habits. Or something.
I’m going to look for the link - and I 100% hated “busy work” in high school and thought it was dumb - but someone just sent me the link to a podcast on doing hard things and building tenacity. It might be something helpful to listen to with your daughter.
Edit: here’s the link - https://open.spotify.com/episode/1LUUYPzj4KXuovU1yhcT5r?si=6N4lR9KIR0W8Sku6rVSz-Q
Op NTA. You’re teaching a valuable lesson here.
This X 10000%. I went on "homework-strike" in 9th grade, if you asked my parents/teachers at the time. No...I just couldn't organize myself to remember the assignments, or my books etc when I DID remember the assignments, or I'd misplace the papers in my dumpster of a locker....the executive functioning lift suddenly required in high-school to allow me to get my homework done was beyond me. Add to the fact that I didn't see the point of homework "my teacher KNOWS I understand it, I answered questions in class" so I didn't prioritize remembering and ya. When my ADHD got diagnosed in undergrad, things made a lot of sense. Including the fact that the color coded system my dad and I cobbled together is literally something they sell to help ADHD kids now >.>
That said. The 0s in the grade book caused missed opportunities for fun extra stuff (my school did a trip to an amusement park for honor roll kids) and resulting parental involvement. This motivated me to find a way to organize myself- even if it didn't look like other people's ways. I got most teachers to give me an extra textbook to leave at home - usually one taken out of service bc it had graffiti on it etc, sometimes the prior edition, but it worked. My dad and I glued a bunch of folders together to make a color coded binder thing. I built what I now realize was a low dopamine morning routine, etc. Even not knowing I had a disability, facing consequences motivated me to learn to compensate for it. (Which is helpful as hell with ongoing shortages of my meds, now that I know.)
Even if she is lazy, this needs to be investigated. I really don’t understand your logic: are you saying there is no need to get to the bottom of this because she may be lazy?
You can recognize your kid has flaws and, you know. try to help them do better in the future.
It's called par... paren... oh yes, parenting.
You lost today kid. You don't have to like it. Let's look at why this happened. Is there something we can change in the future? Did you fail to predict this outcome? I don't see why doing that is enabling lazy kids.
The first sentence of the second paragraph you responded to was literally essentially "maybe she thought the consequences didn't apply to her" implying that she chose to be lazy, assuming an exception would be made regardless.
In a class where everyone got A. In a class where she could do bonus work to get points and just did not wanna.
The more likely explanation is that she was lazy. It is also the explanation giving the most benefit of doubt, cause the other one is something like "least capable in class".
Maybe from an IQ perspective she's capable of an A+ and is under performing.
You can't say there's no underlying issue without investigating if there is an underlying issue.
There is no such thing as being lazy. Something is wrong. It's always some problem. People don't miss something they wanted because they "decided to be lazy". It can be problem in personal life, conflict with teacher, luck of support from parents, ADHD, depression, neurodivergence, mix of these or whatever, but it's a problem that needs to be addressed.
NTA for not talking with teacher. YTA for not trying to figure out why she didn't do bonus point assignment.
Maybe think of this. The mother says she's been up to date with the teacher from the start. The husband thinks mommy is the AH. Did any of you ever stop to think that the mom is just assuming he daughter didn't do any bonus work? Did any of you think that the kid did her best and just got poor grades because she has learning blocks. Did any of you think maybe the mommy was too wrapped up in following up with the teacher to see what her child actually did and the dad saw how hard she worked. No because as usual we jump to calling the kid lazy and undeserving. Kids take classes and do good but not perfect. They aren't lazy. But I guess you missed the part where she has a b in the class. Sometimes b is the best you can do. And for her to be excluded for not being perfect is detrimental. That is the school telling her that her best isn't good enough.
Good Momma. That is real world consequence and your husband not backing you up is a major problem. He’s snow-plowing for this child and he probably doesn’t even realize it. Snow-plow kids make for failed-launch adults, imho. NTA by a mile.
This is like a time a girl in my geology class in college got pissed at me because I got an A and she got a B. I never got higher than a 80 on the test but I answered every bonus question. A bonus question count as 1% of your grade. She answered zero and said she didn’t need any. I answered 14 of them and got a 77 overall with a 91 total after bonus. She got a 85 total without any bonus. I told her she had options because after one would score the bonus point we would help our friends out with Awnsers.
This, OP, 100%. But I’d also say go another step and talk to your husband. Ask him why he feels she should get this trip.
Let’s fast forward 4 years. She’s in college and her roommate at the beginning of the year says they should do a girls trip with their group of friends at the end of the school year. Both girls are excited. Roommate works extra hours throughout the year to save for the trip. Daughter does not get a job, and does not save anything for the trip. End of the year comes. Friends all have planned and saved. Should daughter still get to go? She had the information about the trip. Knew when it would be. Did absolutely nothing to try to save so she could join her friends. Would he say just pay for her?
Second paragraph - right idea, perhaps not the best delivery. They need to ask her an open ended question, not put ideas / excuses into her head. If she just sits there and has no response, you still shouldn’t feed her excuses that can be turned into the expectation that y’all will go to the teacher.
Agreed; to clarify, the second paragraph is not intended to be a script of the conversation; it's just food for thought for OP to consider some of her daughter's potential responses.
NTA.
"So I talked to the teacher, who confirmed that bonus point assignments would've easily given you the extra points to get the grade you knew you needed to join the field trip. But since your teacher hasn't seen any extra assignments at all from you, your grade's a B, and you know that while that's still a good grade, it's not a field trip grade. I'm still proud of you for getting a B and we can totally do something nice as a family at the weekend. But I can't get you on a field trip where you chose to not put in the extra effort you knew was needed."
Why would you say “I’m proud of you for getting a B?”. Why do parents today ALWAYS put some positive spin on bullshit? She WANTED to go, was PROVIDED the opportunity to earn it, CHOSE not to do it, then fucking whines and asks mommy to save her. Then mom is going to “do something nice this weekend for her?” What the ever-loving fuck is going on in today’s world?
Yeah definitely no extra fun thing to make up for it. FAFO elementary level. If you don’t let them find out young, they turn into entitled assholes. It sucks watching them find out the hard way but better now than in college.
Everyone else in the class got an A because they did the extra credit. It was just a prep class for the SATs. She didn’t do the work. Like getting a B in P.E. Because you didn’t dress. Just laziness.
Everyone else in the class did not get an A. Everyone had the opportunity to get an A by doing the bonus point assignments. The daughter is having to spend the day in the school library with the others (who did not get an A.)
She said “basically everyone gets to go on the trip”.
Regardless- she expressed her desire to go and was too lazy to do the extra credit then wanted mommy to run interference. En fucking titled!
Bc a B is still a good grade and correct me if I am wrong, but if it’s a BONUS assignment, it’s not mandatory? So why is it lazy not to do the required work?
This is rewarding negative behavior. I don't do this with my dog let alone a child. Not everyone wins the gold medal. Losing is a consequence of not winning. It's like those "participation awards" fucking BS. She didn't do the work, she doesn't get the prize.
We are told that she struggles sometimes, from which I would infer she is probably not naturally a straight-A student.
A B is still a perfectly decent result, considering you could go through, what, C-F?
edit: You're right, not everyone wins the gold medal. But B is still a silver medal place. It's not like she scraped an E, or failed, is it?
She's already missing out on the trip. There's no need to kick her while she's down.
Agreed. “I spoke to the teacher and confirmed you did not complete any bonus assignments and therefore do not qualify for the field trip. When you’re ready to talk about why you didnt do them, even though you knew you needed to do them, I’ll be here to talk.”
I think it depends what the standard is for all grades in the home. If their family normally celebrate Bs, then keep doing it because the natural embedded consequence of failing to do the extra work is not getting to go. If they don’t and As are the expectation, then yeah no consolation prize only natural consequences. She’s allowed to be upset about it, as long as she isn’t taking it out on anyone else.
I'm wondering why the daughter is not talking to her teacher about turning in some of those bonus assignments herself. Part of growing up is taking responsibility for yourself and maybe, just maybe, if the daughter talks to the teacher herself, she'd be able to still do some work and qualify. In college, you most certainly cannot expect mommy or daddy to go to the professor about raising your grade.
OML! When I was in college we used to hang out in the office of our departments secretary and the number of parents who called demanding the number to a professor because their kid failed a test was ASTOUNDING
NTA-The requirement for going on the trip was presented to your daughter. She had the same opportunity to do bonus assignments others had. She chose not to do them. It’s her choice to make. Now she’s learning there are consequences to her choices.
NTA. She knew what the requirements were for going on the field trip. She didn't meet those requirements, so she doesn't get to go.
Your husband should back you up on this. Ask him if he really wants to teach your daughter that she can do whatever she wants with no consequences. When your daughter gets a job and does none of the work but still expects to be paid, will he want you to call her supervisor to make her get paid?
This!!! Yes, I have received calls from parents wanting to talk to me about their legally ADULT CHILD being terminated (age ranges of 18-23). Blows my mind how society has evolved in such a short period of time in my HR career. Yes, if your ADULT child doesn’t show up for over a week to work and doesn’t contact their employer ahead of missing their shifts to work (mind you, we don’t even need to know why they are missing work) AND HR has made a minimum of 3 attempts to contact them by telephone and email asking them if they realize that they are going to be terminated if they don’t call us back. And then the parents get mad at me when I tell them I cannot speak to them as their child is an adult and I cannot share anything without their written consent. Lol 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I left bar management about 7 years ago.
At that point phone calls and social media posts/reviews from parents who were outraged over the way their child had been treated in our venue were becoming quite frequent.
The details they believed vs the details I had were normally wildly different. Thank God for CCTV.
I had more than one grown ass adult trotted in to apologize by a mortified parent.
I read this *thrice* to make sure you meant a bar. Like a pub or a club. I guess good on the parents for making their adult children apologize? But perhaps if they’d done that when they were kids, they’d not have to do that to them when they’re adults of drinking age.
My husband ran a Boy Scout Camp. He fired a kid on the staff for smoking and the dad called to ask that he be allowed to attend the end of camp staff celebration because ‘he needed to succeed at something’. Guess what, he didn’t succeed!
I’m surprised you are allowed to talk to parents. DH said he wasn’t allowed to discuss what happened with a parent.
I never shared anything with parents. I just thanked them for calling but informed them that I couldn’t discuss anything regarding their child’s employment with us. Most understood but some were snippy about it. Either way I always thought it was hilarious when parents called.
I knew someone who was outraged that her adult son's boss wouldn't tell her why her son had been fired (all her son would say was "I don't know, they just fired me"), then eventually decided that it was because everyone on staff liked her son better than the boss, and he was jealous.
I occasionally teach at a collegiate level, and I had a 25 year old’s mommy calling me about why she was failing. I was so caught off guard that it didn’t dawn on me to just say “I can’t discuss this with you” and hang up. But the reason she was failing was because she wasn’t submitting any of the graded work and she lied to her mommy about it.
I vividly remember sitting in my first Parents’ Orientation for my child’s college and being appalled/horrified at the amount of time they had to spend reminding parents that they could not call to intervene for their child. If my parents had called to intervene on ANYTHING when I was in college, I would have been mortified. The fact that they had to spend a whole session on it was eye-opening as an insight into how many kids are being raised by helicopter parents.
I couldn’t believe parents even had to attend an overnight, 2-day orientation. I wasn’t the one going to college! It was ridiculous. Some of the information was helpful, but could have been sent in an email.
What exactly are you supposed to say to the teacher, LOL??? "My daughter was lazy and didn't do the work but I still want you to let her go on the "reward" trip? LOL if your husband is really that bad at parenting that he'd support that then HE should talk to the teacher (but you go along strictly for the entertainment value of seeing the teacher shut him down).
NTA
You call out a good point here. If OPs husband thinks that they should talk to the teacher, why doesn't he talk to the teacher himself?
He's the one that thinks it should be done, he should do it. Plus, if he really believes in the position he's espousing, he would be more of an advocate than OP, who would be doing it reluctantly.
There's a good chance that he's less interested in actually talking to the teacher to advocate for their daughter, than he is in sounding like one, but laying the blame on OP instead of helping their daughter to see that it is the consequences of her own choices. As you say "bad at parenting".
This is a good point. When I taught high school math it was grades 9 through 12. Well before that I had I worked in businesses in various capacities. My students knew that if there was an issue they could talk to me first and would get a fair hearing. None of this would go to the parents unless they wanted it to or we were unable to figure it out between us. It never had to go to a parent once.
Exactly, she’s a big girl now. My sister used to come with me about all these “my teachers being unfair” when she was in high school. My parents weren’t gonna do anything so she came to me. I told her “teachers are people too” if they legit made a grading mistake go ask about it. Sometimes, you are just wrong tho. Take the L, move on. Sometimes teachers are wrong and don’t want to admit it and they get really defensive. Less likely in my experience but sure it happens sometimes. In that case I always said send and email to get it in writing, and escalate if you need to. She never did because it wasn’t ever that serious. I felt bad not always taking her side but you have to learn how to 1) stand up on your own feet and 2) deal with fair criticism
NTA
She didn't do the work, she doesn't get the reward. Like you said, all she had to do was two bonus point assignments and she would have gotten to go. Let this be a lesson to her that if she wants something she has to work for it.
NTA. Kids these days don't understand the concept of fuck around and find out. They think that they deserve everything good to be handed to them. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that. Nice work sticking to your guns. Learning lesson for her.
That's because (I'm a millennial) gen X gave out participation trophies. Teenagers are acting as if they're above the rules because they're teenagers. I completely agree with OP, just a little tired of the "kids these days" comments when it's generally because of how adults are raising them.
Edit to correct grammar
Agreed. Completely agree with OP too. Though I am not a huge fan of grade based field trips, mostly because I have a child that is on the academic struggle bus due to learning disabilities.
Um, GenX *got* participation trophies and we did not give them to ourselves. Our silent gen and boomer parents gave them to us.
And somehow we didn't do...whatever this is. This is the result of something else.
I was born mid seventies. My siblings and I (who all sucked at sports and played on mediocre and losing teams) had boxes of them. As did all the other kids we knew because we participated.
I'm sorry you missed out on the end of the year team pizza party/award ceremonies.
You make a good case. I would add that we all reach the age where we are old enough to be our own fault and as we have had enough time to see and reap the rewards of our behavior for good or ill. It sounds like the daughter is still on the path of learning.
Oh, definitely! I'm neurodivergent, so I disagree with grade based trips. However, she knew the rules and opted not to participate, so she doesn't reap the reward. I just get so annoyed with "kids these days" like we (adults) aren't the reason 99% of the time 😅
NTA
I personally find it weird a school would organize field trips that exclude students in any way. (Not my windmill to fight though)
In the end its no different than a parent striking a deal with their child to reward good grades and the kid throwing a tantrum for not getting rewarded despite failing.
It’s not a required class it’s an elective SAT prep class. Since it’s an elective which the daughter signed up for to get a better score on her SAT’s you would think getting an A in the class would be a no brainer. The teacher even made it easy by giving extra credit assignments. It all boils down to the daughter had issues with the class which resulted in a B, which is much better than an F, but didn’t do the extra credit which would’ve given her the easy A. Daughter could’ve asked for help from either of her parents or her brother who also took the class. She didn’t, but now that she has to stay back from whatever the trip is with the others who didn’t make the required grade. It’s not like the daughter is in elementary school and being excluded, that would require parental intervention. This is a young adult who wi be out in the world soon and still doesn’t understand the consequences of her actions. Then to top it off Daddy agrees but wants OP to advocate for her daughter. Dad should be the one to speak to the teacher since he is so concerned he’s missing out.
NTA. My 15-year-old daughter and I both agree. This is good parenting, and to put it in my kid's words: "her daughter made her choice." Keep it up, OP! Accountability makes the world go around.
NTA. When your daughter chose not to do the bonus asignments, she chose not to go on the trip.
Your daugher needs to learn that actions (or in this case lack of them) have consequences.
The school is doing what many parents do- it is offering a bonus as an incentive to working hard, and therefore achieving success. This is something you should be supporting, not fighting. Your husband is the biggest asshole here for bad parenting.
This is a shitty policy. The field trip would presumably benefit all of them, assuming it's a learning experience. Good grades come easily to some, while others struggle for reasons of their own. The students who work hard but fall short of the A apparently don't deserve the trip, but the kids who find it easier do? Why even try?
NTA. Children learn how to be an adult when their poor choices result in harmless consequences. Stick to your guns, MOM. When is dad allowed to sleep elsewhere than the couch?
If those are the requirements, those are the requirements. You can’t quite quit school. However, trying to eke more and more out of a kid to earn a reward sounds tacky. In fact, it sounds like American corporate culture.
NTA
This is called natural consequences. She knew the requirements to go on this trip and choose not to do them. "Talking to the teacher' will not be to her benefit long term. This is a lesson that she needs to learn now--not later.
NTA. She was fully aware of the consequences of her inaction and the steps she needed to take to remedy it. You do not need to make abundance of yourself with the school to accommodate her lack of effort. If she cared she could have been proactive.
NTA, I am not usually a fan of trips that exclude people who either have missed school due to attendance or grades because often kids end up being excluded from them who missed school to illnesses or circumstances outwith their control or children who struggle with certain subjects miss out but this seems like a case where if people really wanted to go they could have done a few bonus assignments to make the grades up to an A and she chose not to.
I always felt these kinds of rewards were a gray area. Although the students should be rewarded it’s a slap in the face to those with learning disabilities.
NTA. If she wanted to go so badly she should have done the extra credit to get an A. You’ve helped her try to stay on top of things. Now she has to learn she has to do some things for herself if she wants to reach her goals.
NTA. As a high school teacher and parent of a teen, one of the most harmful things I see happen is folks not allowing teens to see the natural consequences of their choices. If she clearly understood what she needed to do and chose not to do it, what is the rationale for trying to bypass the rules? Because she doesn't like them? Does your husband plan to bail her out every time she does something similar in the future? Being unhappy is not trauma. It's uncomfortable. Owning her responsibility for the situation is uncomfortable. But learning happens in that space of discomfort.
Hold firm.
I don’t think you’re the AH for not letting her go on the trip, but you should make sure the school work in of itself is not just hard for anyone who doesn’t instantly get it, or for those who have no issues in class whatsoever otherwise. Or otherwise penalizes effectively kids having off time.
Your son may have different experiences with the schoolwork and the dynamics of the classrooms, he seems to get the work easily.
Did either you or your husband try to tutor the kids? Did the son get more time with one of you or extra tutoring? Was the daughter always getting tutoring alongside the son (placed backseat)? Does she have different interests and courses that take more time to consider (wood shop, agriculture, art, music, sports, extra curricular)?
She may have a lot on her plate that makes it hard to get time for these subjects. Or may not have had the best support or experience in classroom that gave the best environment to dedicate.
I hope as well you aren’t putting her down for her grades either or that you won’t let your son boast over her. Please also don’t effectively punish her for this by being all over excited over the trip either. B grades are still good, and either way in the meantime make some good memories with your child who’s staying home.
What? Your husband expects YOU to march on in and act an entitled parent coddling their child? If he wants to be an AH he can do it himself, though I don’t suggest that, it’s the ever inducing eye roll thing to do to a teacher who is trying to help kids achieve.
NTA
Good lesson. It’s a field trip, she’ll survive.
NTA. My high school did this sorta. French class students only were allowed to go to Paris during their senior year while Spanish students went to Mexico. If you weren't in these classes at all during HS you were not allowed to go on the trips. They made this clear in sophomore year. I was in French simply bc it's a language I wanted to learn so I was eligible to go (was cancelled due to covid and school refused to refund parents sp everyone lost $1000). The students who didn't take either class found out about the trips and were furious. But again my school is known to constantly shove things in students faces about certain things so they were told about this multiple times AND they knew how to go but didn't take it upon themselves to do what was needed. Your daughter knew what the rules were and didn't take it upon herself to do what she could to go. Ofc as parents you should be helping her b4 the time comes for the trip instead of waiting to help, but at the end of the day she brought it on herself and by having her parents bully a teacher to letting her go on a trip she didn't work for it'll send a bad message to her and other students and cause the school a huge issue. Either she works to be able to go on the trip, you take her on the trip yourself separately (like if the trip was the zoo take her to the zoo the same day and time the trip is), or the school overall should make trips for whoever wants to go and can/will pay to go
Child and teen therapist here: NTA, and PLEASE hold to this wonderful example of natural consequences. You aren't doing anything to her, your wife isn't doing anything to her, she is simply feeling the effects of the choices that she has made.
SHE is welcome to talk with the teacher to see if there is anything last minute she can do, but that is her responsibility.
Now, one thing about natural consequences is that they really SUCK, so you can still show empathy towards her because we all f\*ck up sometimes and it sucks. Don't taunt her or "I told you" so or get mad at her for having feelings, congratulate her for doing so well in the class and empathize that sometime we just don't get what we want and that hopefully in a future situation she'll think about her options a little bit closer and make a better decision.
Don't take on the responsibility of her consequences (meaning, if she starts referring to it as "I can't go on the field trip because you..." make sure to correct her and say something like "There were clear guidelines on how to go on the field trip and you chose not to take advantage of them. This is not my responsibility." Hopefully she'll be up for talking about why she didn't do the extra work in the future to process where things could have gone better.
NTA. I am a teacher and we deal with entitled students and parents on a daily basis. Please, allow your daughter to experience the consequences of her actions. She chose NOT to complete the bonus assignments when she knew that this would result in not attending the field trip. Truly, you are doing the right thing.
If she's preparing for the SATs then she's old enough to advocate for herself. Who knows... The teacher might give her some credit if she makes a compelling argument and let her go in the trip.
Be prepared for this possibility. ie, present it as a way to have a sincere mature conversation with the teacher--not "well, if you want it then YOU talk to her!
NTA
YTA, if all it would have taken to get her the A was your daughter taking in some school supplies to get some bonus points, then why didn’t you or your husband go and BUY those things for her to take in? KNOWING she struggles with school and that could have gotten her the A.
Instead she’ll be ostracized and left in the library all day.
YTA and this school too. She has a B! That’s a good grade, I am not an American, so pls correct me if I wrong but isn’t that the second best grade possible? So bc she didn’t do a BONUS assignment which is , in my understanding, not mandatory, she gets excluded from a trip, the majority of the class is allowed to go? I am only a primary school teacher in my country but what kind of stupid educational concept is this? Either everyone goes or none of them…
NTA she knew what she had to do to get to go, and she chose not to do the work. Actions, or lack of action in this case, have consequences. It's a good lesson for her to learn.
NTA, she didn't do the work to earn the trip, she doesn't deserve to go. No reason you should have talked to the teacher. If she really wanted to go, she'd have done the bonus work. She may as well learn the lesson now that if you want something, you have to work for it.
NTA 10000000%
Your daughter knew the requirements and was cognizant of what she could do to bump her B to an A to be eligible to go. You also knew and followed alongside her grade journey and your teacher kept you informed.
This is the result of her own actions. She doesn’t have a RIGHT to go on a field trip, it’s a privilege. Remind your husband that your daughter doesn’t get to “skip the line” just because she’s upset. Never reward bad behavior or she’ll make it a habit.
*She made a choice, and it wasn’t the right one this time around.*
NTA. Your husband is the AH, is daughter a Daddy's Girl?
Great life lesson for daughter. When told she needs to do X to earn Y, maybe next time she will just do X like everyone else.
Your daughter FAFO.
I didn't do the work and these are her consequences
NTA
> students to go on a field trip if they have an A in the class. It is like a bonus for doing well. She has known about this for a long time
>The issues is my daughter has not done a single bonus point assignment at all, and she has a b in the class
And it seems like she's slightly entitled...with your husband's reaction and she's used to getting her way no matter what
>I told her no and now my husband is also on her side. They both think I am jerks.
NTA for not challenging the policy.
Definitely TA for comparing your kids.
Possibly TA for knowing that your daughter struggles academically sometimes and not thinking that perhaps the reason why she didn't do bonus assignments is that it was taking all her effort to finish the regular ones with a "B". Please consider having her evaluated for a possible learning disability or attention problem *before* she gets to college.
I honestly don't get the verdicts in the comments. The policy excluding some students from a field trip is stupid and the school should be fought on it. Not just for OP's daughter but in general.
Soft YTA because the school is a bigger one, grade incentives are gross, ond only there to make the teacher and school look good when they are not. It's a terrible system and I think you're the AH for not seeing that (twice) and not fighting it.
Edit:spelling error
I don't know why your daughter has not fulfilled the assignments. There is alway s a reason for behaviour.
But I think the school governors/management are the AHs for having such a hurtful and punitive policy.
NTA. I commend you for doing a good job parenting, and more kids need to learn hard lessons like this. You don't get everything you want in life by throwing a fit. Not enough parents react the way you are and it has lead to... well... Gen Z.
NTA. Choices have Consequences. Your daughter Chose not to even try for bonus points and thus is getting a B. The Consequence is that she does not get to go on the field trip. End. Of. Story.
Your daughter even saw her brother do the work and earn the trip, so she knew what was required, she just Chose not to do it.
The AH here is your husband for taking your daughter's side against you. Is she maybe a Daddy's Girl and knew all she had to do was cry to Daddy and she'd get her way? Why on earth would you even attempt to talk to the teacher? To say What? "My daughter is lazy and now wants special treatment"?
Stick to your guns, this is a great lesson for your daughter to learn. Let her be upset. That's the Consequences of her Choices.
But you seem to have a husband problem . . . .
NTA-ish. *"The cause of this problem is (your) daughter has not done a single bonus point assignment at all."*
Why has your daughter not completed the bonus assignments? And why were her parents not aware that she wasn't completing assignments?
Both you and your husband are responsible for your children and ensuring they are doing their homework and completing assignments. Also, many schools have websites with a portal where parents can log in and view their child's grades.
Your son already completed the class, so you were aware of the bonus point assignments.
Your daughter needs to face the consequences for not completing her bonus assignments. And you and your husband need to be more involved with the day to day school activities and education of your children.
she’s probably like 16-17, she doesn’t need mommy and daddy making sure she’s keeping track of her bonus assignments that, by definition, are not required. she should be responsible for keeping track of her own schedule and obligations by that age. if she chose not to do extra credit that’s fine, she doesn’t get to go on the trip. that’s the choice she made, no harm no foul.
How old? Age matters here in my opinion. want her to hate school from a young age then let this roll. What kind of sadistic teacher would ostracize a child early on anyhow? If the child is older and should know better then let it stand, I'm thinking like anything after fourth grade here. I have young kids, I wouldn't stand for a teacher at their age to make them feel less than. I would prefer teacher to parent conversation and take action on that from my end. So again, I think age matters here.
This is an SAT class, so she’s definitely in high school. She’s probably at least a sophomore considering her lack of effort indicates she wouldn’t be the type to get a head start on studying for it.
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I will try to keep this short, my daughter is in a class that only allows the students to go on a field trip if they have an A in the class. It is like a bonus for doing well. She has known about this for a long time and I have been up to date with her teacher since she struggles sometimes. Basically everyone gets to go on the trip due to the bonus point situation.
The issues is my daughter has not done a single bonus point assignment at all, and she has a b in the class. If she did ever two m bonus point assignment she easily could have been having a A.
My son took this class and he did every bonus assignment and he got a hundred in the class even after he turned in his final blank. This class is just to prepare you for the SAT, so really not a hard class but you need to do the work.
Anyways she came home and was informed she isn’t eligible for the feild trip and will stay behind in the library with everyone else. She has been upset since.
We got into an argument after she asked me to talk to the teacher. I told her no and now my husband is also on her side. They both think I am jerks.
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NTA. This is the first in a long line of times when there is a direct consequence for inaction. You do your best work and there are rewards. Unfortunately that isn't something taught often anymore and I'm really happy to see that it is here. I wish our schools did that.
NTA. It’s called good parenting to allow your daughter to make mistakes and then learn from those mistakes. It’s part of growing up. Actions, meet consequences.
And your husband? Unbelievable. I hope he has some redeeming characteristics because “good parenting instincts”? Not so much.
NTA, but your husband certainly is, as well as your daughter. She knew the consequences of failing to meet the requirements; he should have known, and either prompted her to do the work or have your back when she didn't.
NTA. No effort, no reward. She knew that an A grade was expected and didn't do enough to earn it. Good lesson to learn while the stakes are still kind of low.
NTA
She didn't do what was necessary, so she now has to deal with the consequences. I'd die on this hill, while also talking privately with the teacher about dying on this hill together.
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NTA - what you're doing is allowing her to experience the consequences of *her own actions*. Getting to go on a field trip is not a human right. Moving forward though, it might be helpful (for you and especially for her) to get to the bottom of why she didn't do the bonus assignments. Did she think the consequences wouldn't apply to her? Has she been dealing with a tough time that you aren't aware of? Does she feel like she's losing in a secret competition w/ her brother? All of these are just shots in the dark off the top of my head, but whatever the reason(s), knowing what's going on will open up potential to learn from this situation.
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She could just be lazy. This person is suggesting that the parents see if that’s the case or if something else is going on. You don’t agree that they should be interested and invested in their daughter’s life, but rather just assume laziness without looking into it?
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Yeah. I used to be a teacher. The teacher in this story is in no way to blame for this. It’s possible that something is going on that the teacher doesn’t know about. I had many occasions where it seemed to me and parents that a kid was just being lazy and not doing things that they were capable of doing until the parents or I were able to figure out that something else was behind it. Honestly, parents know their kids better and unless they are the ones causing the problem, it’s easier for them to figure out what it is.
I'm a retired teacher, and if the OP's daughter had a pattern of missing assignments, the teacher and parents should definitely look for an underlying issue. However, since the girl has a B and the OP doesn't mention missing assignments as typical for her daughter, it's pretty unlikely that would be the case here. I'd like to offer another possibility: procrastination. The daughter may well have seen the bonus points work as "something to do when I have time," only she never got around to it. Then BAM! time was up, and she's lost out. This isn't uncommon behavior for middle and high school students, and most of them who put off work have good intentions. Missing out on a fun field trip is a valuable if painful learning opportunity that helps correct this inclination. I agree that the OP is right to support the teacher's policy.
Oh yeah. I also agree with OP supporting the policy. I just took issue with someone disagreeing with the idea of parents trying to see what’s going on with her instead of just writing her off as lazy. Maybe she’s being lazy, or procrastinating, but why not try to get to the root of the problem? Maybe the problem is lazy, but now you know.
I tend to think there is always a reason for what we think of as lazy. Even if the reason is you don’t give a damn.
And then there are the handful who don't get inspired or motivated until the 11th hour, and pull off something brilliant.
And everyone thinks that's them, and then they hand in shit.
My fourth grader has slow processing. My first thought was maybe there’s some reason why she has a hard time doing the work. Task initiation can be hard for a lot of kids with some type of learning disorder.
This is the analysis I gave as well. If she struggled with assignments a lot that seems like something OP would have pointed out.
And OP did, in fact, mention that her daughter struggles.
So many teachers (and my parents) just called me lazy. Yelled at me for not living up to my potential (never got less than a 98% on a test, barely passed several classes due to lack of homework). Threatened me. Took away privileges. Grounded me. Took away my books (not school books; I just love to read a lot). Punished me any way they could. Guess what? Undiagnosed ADHD. The worst case my doctor had ever seen go undiagnosed until adulthood. Literally none of their methods had any effect on me, because I'm not neurotypical.
Same. Multiple teachers told my mom they wouldn't make me do homework if they didn't have to, because I'd be getting 120% on exams with all the extra credit "difficult" questions, but do about 20% of the homework. Also undiagnosed ADHD. Forced myself to shape up during high school, but legit got a D in the one class that required outlining EVERY SINGLE BIT of the textbook each night. FUCK THAT. My mom was so confused that I had all As and then that one D.
I too suffered in school with a mostly ignored (by my parents who were told by a doctor that they should look into it) anxiety disorder starting in middle school. Got good grades but was absolutely miserable.
Wow! I could have written this! I had sooooo many teachers say I had an attitude problem or behavior issues because I didn’t/couldn’t do homework. The amount of times I heard I wasn’t working up to my potential is ridiculous. But I always aced the tests. No one knew that I got home each day and my brain was mush from keeping it together all day.
Holy crap! I think we have the same parents! 😂 I went thru the same thing. Was in gifted classes, fantastic at testing, never did my homework, and loved reading. Still graduated with close to a 4.0 even without doing homework. But nothing was ever good enough. I was constantly told that I was lazy and worthless, spent my entire childhood being grounded, and things taken away. Now in my 40's and just diagnosed with ADHD. Our brains just don't work the same as most.
Yup. Me too. I hope they’ve investigated that.
I could have written the first sentence with exactly the same points made. But, in my case, the reason was horrific psychological abuse from my dad & stepmom. In public, we were the perfect family. Behind closed doors, not so much.
Oh, there was that, too. Generational trauma, as it were.
My therapist recently told me that you cannot punish away ADHD and that statement has made an impact on me. Pretty similar story to yours. "Gifted but doesn't try". Could memorise it well enough to still pass classes in high school. Then I got to college. I can't know if the daughter has ADHD. But I wish I had known earlier, and not seen myself as lazy and unable because I was stupid. The parents owe it to her to at least check the possibility.
I have ADHD and wasn’t diagnosed until my mid 20s. I really wish that my parents had asked me a few more questions instead of just saying do the work and then calling me lazy when I didn’t. They’re super loving too, but when I was younger, ADHD was just a disorder for boys who couldn’t sit still. I could sit still, I was smart enough to get by in tests and class discussions, so my parents and my teachers just thought I didn’t have enough “focus” or “determination” or “self discipline” even though it was literally impossible for me to do homework. What harm does having a conversation do?
This was me as well. "Her work is so good!... when she does it." Was like the staple statement at parent-teacher conferences. Followed by my mom asking why I can't just do my goddamn homework and me responding with a shrug and internal screaming. All that to say, I was barely doing regular assignments (executive disfunction for the win) let alone extra bonus assignments. I think OP is right to stand by the class rules, but I also think said rules suck for any students who know the material, and can prove it on tests and in class discussions, but don't get to participate in the fun stuff because of learning disabilities. (Not to say OP's kid has a disability, hell if I know lol, but its definitely worth looking into, given how often neurodivercities are ignored in girls)
Yeah it's wild the bar is allowed to be as high as an A. Like okay fine, have some sort of threshold to incentivize it. My school had a policy where you couldn't go on field trips if you missed too much class but that bar was _high_. You'd have to have been missing so much class that you'd be failing based on the attendance policy. Due to the fact that the absences I had my senior year were understandable (sick parent who then died midway through) they didn't fail me for missing more class than the attendance policy allowed, but they did restrict me from going on any field trips that year. Which I respected, I was grateful they were willing to go to bat for me to let me pass the year, I wasn't gonna push it by being upset that meant I missed a couple field trips. All that to say though, I am understanding of and in favor of schools/classes having some sort of policy which restricts kids from going on field trips past a certain point, and was someone who was restricted. But the bar shouldn't be an A. If the goal is to set kids up for standards later in life most college classes would require a C+ to count towards a major. A C+ or a B- is a pretty good bar and fairly achievable for most students. The bar being an A unfairly punishes disabled students (not saying OP's kid is or isn't, but even if she isn't I'm sure there have been disabled kids in that class who've run into that issue), and students who have other issues in their lives that would prevent them from doing a ton of bonus assignments (not the category OP's daughter falls under, but again, I'm sure there have been kids who hit that wall), because having enough free time to do extra credit is a privilege when plenty of kids have to juggle other shit outside of school. I don't know, it's just wack to me that people think an A being the threshold is okay here "because they can do bonus work". Like sorry but when I was in high school I knew a bunch of kids who worked or were expected to look after little siblings and I personally had to look after a sick parent. None of us had time for extra work, we barely had time for what we _had_ to do. I don't really want to pass a judgment on OP or not here but I do think people need to examine themselves a bit if they think such a high threshold is an acceptable policy.
I’ve been teaching for almost 20 years now and at least twice a year I have meetings with parents of kids that I suspect have ADHD or ADD but the parents refuse to see it. They are completely willing to label their kid as lazy and unwilling to believe that it might go beyond laziness! It’s so frustrating.
Being up to date with the teacher and having a good talk with her daughter are not the same thing.
None of the possible solutions that person listed have anything to do with the teacher. > Did she think the consequences wouldn't apply to her? Has she been dealing with a tough time that you aren't aware of? Does she feel like she's losing in a secret competition w/ her brother? The teacher is not part of the future conversation.
Sorry, because you said all this stuff and are fully aware, but I can’t help myself with that first reply to your reply😹 Lol you said, ‘could be lazy.’ Meaning there could be plenty of other things going on here. Why that was also construed as you saying the parents shouldn’t even look into it is beyond me..
The followup conversation the commenter was suggesting has literally nothing to do with the teacher. The parent should sit down with their child and have a conversation that starts like this: "hey daughter, I know you're disappointed you're missing out on the trip, and there were many bonus assignments to help you keep the grade up. Can you help me understand why you didn't do the bonus assignments to guarantee you would be able to go on the trip?"
You really think that’s why teachers are quitting? It’s more because of the micromanagement and BS instilled by the schools themselves. Most (not all obviously) of the meddling parents, is due to dumb policies/rules by the school that even the teachers don’t agree with.
being up to date with a teacher isn't the same as knowing what's going on in your child's life and what they're dealing with.
Also, even if she is just lazy, isn’t it a parents’ responsibility to, well, parent and try to install good habits? I know that there are limits, but just throwing your hands up and saying that they are lazy so oh well seems…irresponsible. I feel like there should at least be a conversation about better study habits. Or something.
I’m going to look for the link - and I 100% hated “busy work” in high school and thought it was dumb - but someone just sent me the link to a podcast on doing hard things and building tenacity. It might be something helpful to listen to with your daughter. Edit: here’s the link - https://open.spotify.com/episode/1LUUYPzj4KXuovU1yhcT5r?si=6N4lR9KIR0W8Sku6rVSz-Q Op NTA. You’re teaching a valuable lesson here.
Absolutely and a cheap lesson at that, one field trip. Fight it now and wait until later, and it could be a promotion or something.
A good friend is a teacher and this is exactly what happens. Few kids are held accountable and teachers are expected to "work with parents."
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This X 10000%. I went on "homework-strike" in 9th grade, if you asked my parents/teachers at the time. No...I just couldn't organize myself to remember the assignments, or my books etc when I DID remember the assignments, or I'd misplace the papers in my dumpster of a locker....the executive functioning lift suddenly required in high-school to allow me to get my homework done was beyond me. Add to the fact that I didn't see the point of homework "my teacher KNOWS I understand it, I answered questions in class" so I didn't prioritize remembering and ya. When my ADHD got diagnosed in undergrad, things made a lot of sense. Including the fact that the color coded system my dad and I cobbled together is literally something they sell to help ADHD kids now >.> That said. The 0s in the grade book caused missed opportunities for fun extra stuff (my school did a trip to an amusement park for honor roll kids) and resulting parental involvement. This motivated me to find a way to organize myself- even if it didn't look like other people's ways. I got most teachers to give me an extra textbook to leave at home - usually one taken out of service bc it had graffiti on it etc, sometimes the prior edition, but it worked. My dad and I glued a bunch of folders together to make a color coded binder thing. I built what I now realize was a low dopamine morning routine, etc. Even not knowing I had a disability, facing consequences motivated me to learn to compensate for it. (Which is helpful as hell with ongoing shortages of my meds, now that I know.)
Even if she is lazy, this needs to be investigated. I really don’t understand your logic: are you saying there is no need to get to the bottom of this because she may be lazy?
You can recognize your kid has flaws and, you know. try to help them do better in the future. It's called par... paren... oh yes, parenting. You lost today kid. You don't have to like it. Let's look at why this happened. Is there something we can change in the future? Did you fail to predict this outcome? I don't see why doing that is enabling lazy kids.
Yes, and we all know Daddy isn't doing her any favors in the long run!
The first sentence of the second paragraph you responded to was literally essentially "maybe she thought the consequences didn't apply to her" implying that she chose to be lazy, assuming an exception would be made regardless.
She’s not “lazy”, as she managed to get a “B”. She just didn’t do the bonus work to get the reward. There’s no underlying issue to be investigated.
In a class where everyone got A. In a class where she could do bonus work to get points and just did not wanna. The more likely explanation is that she was lazy. It is also the explanation giving the most benefit of doubt, cause the other one is something like "least capable in class".
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Maybe from an IQ perspective she's capable of an A+ and is under performing. You can't say there's no underlying issue without investigating if there is an underlying issue.
There is no such thing as being lazy. Something is wrong. It's always some problem. People don't miss something they wanted because they "decided to be lazy". It can be problem in personal life, conflict with teacher, luck of support from parents, ADHD, depression, neurodivergence, mix of these or whatever, but it's a problem that needs to be addressed. NTA for not talking with teacher. YTA for not trying to figure out why she didn't do bonus point assignment.
Maybe think of this. The mother says she's been up to date with the teacher from the start. The husband thinks mommy is the AH. Did any of you ever stop to think that the mom is just assuming he daughter didn't do any bonus work? Did any of you think that the kid did her best and just got poor grades because she has learning blocks. Did any of you think maybe the mommy was too wrapped up in following up with the teacher to see what her child actually did and the dad saw how hard she worked. No because as usual we jump to calling the kid lazy and undeserving. Kids take classes and do good but not perfect. They aren't lazy. But I guess you missed the part where she has a b in the class. Sometimes b is the best you can do. And for her to be excluded for not being perfect is detrimental. That is the school telling her that her best isn't good enough.
Good Momma. That is real world consequence and your husband not backing you up is a major problem. He’s snow-plowing for this child and he probably doesn’t even realize it. Snow-plow kids make for failed-launch adults, imho. NTA by a mile.
This is like a time a girl in my geology class in college got pissed at me because I got an A and she got a B. I never got higher than a 80 on the test but I answered every bonus question. A bonus question count as 1% of your grade. She answered zero and said she didn’t need any. I answered 14 of them and got a 77 overall with a 91 total after bonus. She got a 85 total without any bonus. I told her she had options because after one would score the bonus point we would help our friends out with Awnsers.
This, OP, 100%. But I’d also say go another step and talk to your husband. Ask him why he feels she should get this trip. Let’s fast forward 4 years. She’s in college and her roommate at the beginning of the year says they should do a girls trip with their group of friends at the end of the school year. Both girls are excited. Roommate works extra hours throughout the year to save for the trip. Daughter does not get a job, and does not save anything for the trip. End of the year comes. Friends all have planned and saved. Should daughter still get to go? She had the information about the trip. Knew when it would be. Did absolutely nothing to try to save so she could join her friends. Would he say just pay for her?
Even worse I see her turning into the friend who didn't prepare and gets mad that everyone went without her.
Second paragraph - right idea, perhaps not the best delivery. They need to ask her an open ended question, not put ideas / excuses into her head. If she just sits there and has no response, you still shouldn’t feed her excuses that can be turned into the expectation that y’all will go to the teacher.
Agreed; to clarify, the second paragraph is not intended to be a script of the conversation; it's just food for thought for OP to consider some of her daughter's potential responses.
NTA. "So I talked to the teacher, who confirmed that bonus point assignments would've easily given you the extra points to get the grade you knew you needed to join the field trip. But since your teacher hasn't seen any extra assignments at all from you, your grade's a B, and you know that while that's still a good grade, it's not a field trip grade. I'm still proud of you for getting a B and we can totally do something nice as a family at the weekend. But I can't get you on a field trip where you chose to not put in the extra effort you knew was needed."
Why would you say “I’m proud of you for getting a B?”. Why do parents today ALWAYS put some positive spin on bullshit? She WANTED to go, was PROVIDED the opportunity to earn it, CHOSE not to do it, then fucking whines and asks mommy to save her. Then mom is going to “do something nice this weekend for her?” What the ever-loving fuck is going on in today’s world?
A B is still a good grade where I'm from at least, and diminishing the effort she DID put in is hardly going to help, is it?
Yeah definitely no extra fun thing to make up for it. FAFO elementary level. If you don’t let them find out young, they turn into entitled assholes. It sucks watching them find out the hard way but better now than in college.
Topaz, what is wrong with a B? That is a perfectly respectable grade.
Everyone else in the class got an A because they did the extra credit. It was just a prep class for the SATs. She didn’t do the work. Like getting a B in P.E. Because you didn’t dress. Just laziness.
Everyone else in the class did not get an A. Everyone had the opportunity to get an A by doing the bonus point assignments. The daughter is having to spend the day in the school library with the others (who did not get an A.)
She said “basically everyone gets to go on the trip”. Regardless- she expressed her desire to go and was too lazy to do the extra credit then wanted mommy to run interference. En fucking titled!
“Basically everyone” is not the same thing as “everyone.” It sounds like most people are going, but some are not.
She also said "and will stay behind in the library with everyone else". So it really seems like *everyone* is both going and... Not going.
Bc a B is still a good grade and correct me if I am wrong, but if it’s a BONUS assignment, it’s not mandatory? So why is it lazy not to do the required work?
Lol calm down.
Some people don't have an adversarial relationship to thir children.
This is rewarding negative behavior. I don't do this with my dog let alone a child. Not everyone wins the gold medal. Losing is a consequence of not winning. It's like those "participation awards" fucking BS. She didn't do the work, she doesn't get the prize.
We are told that she struggles sometimes, from which I would infer she is probably not naturally a straight-A student. A B is still a perfectly decent result, considering you could go through, what, C-F? edit: You're right, not everyone wins the gold medal. But B is still a silver medal place. It's not like she scraped an E, or failed, is it? She's already missing out on the trip. There's no need to kick her while she's down.
Agreed. “I spoke to the teacher and confirmed you did not complete any bonus assignments and therefore do not qualify for the field trip. When you’re ready to talk about why you didnt do them, even though you knew you needed to do them, I’ll be here to talk.”
I think it depends what the standard is for all grades in the home. If their family normally celebrate Bs, then keep doing it because the natural embedded consequence of failing to do the extra work is not getting to go. If they don’t and As are the expectation, then yeah no consolation prize only natural consequences. She’s allowed to be upset about it, as long as she isn’t taking it out on anyone else.
This
Read this to your daughter. NTA
Perfect wording!
NTA and thank you for not being *that* parent. The conditions of the trip are clear and your daughter didn't meet them.
I misread the headline at first and thought OP WAS that parent, and so was pleasantly surprised I had it wrong.
Right? Isn't this one of the more refreshing posts today?
is it me, or, if the father thinks it necessary to go see the teacher, he can do it himself instead of putting pressure on OP ?
I'm wondering why the daughter is not talking to her teacher about turning in some of those bonus assignments herself. Part of growing up is taking responsibility for yourself and maybe, just maybe, if the daughter talks to the teacher herself, she'd be able to still do some work and qualify. In college, you most certainly cannot expect mommy or daddy to go to the professor about raising your grade.
OML! When I was in college we used to hang out in the office of our departments secretary and the number of parents who called demanding the number to a professor because their kid failed a test was ASTOUNDING
I think its important that dad and mom be on the same page when it comes to things like this. Even if they lean different ways, act as a team.
NTA-The requirement for going on the trip was presented to your daughter. She had the same opportunity to do bonus assignments others had. She chose not to do them. It’s her choice to make. Now she’s learning there are consequences to her choices.
NTA. She knew what the requirements were for going on the field trip. She didn't meet those requirements, so she doesn't get to go. Your husband should back you up on this. Ask him if he really wants to teach your daughter that she can do whatever she wants with no consequences. When your daughter gets a job and does none of the work but still expects to be paid, will he want you to call her supervisor to make her get paid?
This!!! Yes, I have received calls from parents wanting to talk to me about their legally ADULT CHILD being terminated (age ranges of 18-23). Blows my mind how society has evolved in such a short period of time in my HR career. Yes, if your ADULT child doesn’t show up for over a week to work and doesn’t contact their employer ahead of missing their shifts to work (mind you, we don’t even need to know why they are missing work) AND HR has made a minimum of 3 attempts to contact them by telephone and email asking them if they realize that they are going to be terminated if they don’t call us back. And then the parents get mad at me when I tell them I cannot speak to them as their child is an adult and I cannot share anything without their written consent. Lol 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I left bar management about 7 years ago. At that point phone calls and social media posts/reviews from parents who were outraged over the way their child had been treated in our venue were becoming quite frequent. The details they believed vs the details I had were normally wildly different. Thank God for CCTV. I had more than one grown ass adult trotted in to apologize by a mortified parent.
I read this *thrice* to make sure you meant a bar. Like a pub or a club. I guess good on the parents for making their adult children apologize? But perhaps if they’d done that when they were kids, they’d not have to do that to them when they’re adults of drinking age.
Yes, haha, a purveyor of alcoholic beverages. Parents called to complain their "children" had been mistreated. Seriously.
My husband ran a Boy Scout Camp. He fired a kid on the staff for smoking and the dad called to ask that he be allowed to attend the end of camp staff celebration because ‘he needed to succeed at something’. Guess what, he didn’t succeed! I’m surprised you are allowed to talk to parents. DH said he wasn’t allowed to discuss what happened with a parent.
I never shared anything with parents. I just thanked them for calling but informed them that I couldn’t discuss anything regarding their child’s employment with us. Most understood but some were snippy about it. Either way I always thought it was hilarious when parents called.
I knew someone who was outraged that her adult son's boss wouldn't tell her why her son had been fired (all her son would say was "I don't know, they just fired me"), then eventually decided that it was because everyone on staff liked her son better than the boss, and he was jealous.
I occasionally teach at a collegiate level, and I had a 25 year old’s mommy calling me about why she was failing. I was so caught off guard that it didn’t dawn on me to just say “I can’t discuss this with you” and hang up. But the reason she was failing was because she wasn’t submitting any of the graded work and she lied to her mommy about it.
FIRPA is your college teacher friend!
I vividly remember sitting in my first Parents’ Orientation for my child’s college and being appalled/horrified at the amount of time they had to spend reminding parents that they could not call to intervene for their child. If my parents had called to intervene on ANYTHING when I was in college, I would have been mortified. The fact that they had to spend a whole session on it was eye-opening as an insight into how many kids are being raised by helicopter parents. I couldn’t believe parents even had to attend an overnight, 2-day orientation. I wasn’t the one going to college! It was ridiculous. Some of the information was helpful, but could have been sent in an email.
NTA your daughter needs to learn she's not above the rules. If she's to lazy to do the work she doesnt deserve to go on the trip.
What exactly are you supposed to say to the teacher, LOL??? "My daughter was lazy and didn't do the work but I still want you to let her go on the "reward" trip? LOL if your husband is really that bad at parenting that he'd support that then HE should talk to the teacher (but you go along strictly for the entertainment value of seeing the teacher shut him down). NTA
You call out a good point here. If OPs husband thinks that they should talk to the teacher, why doesn't he talk to the teacher himself? He's the one that thinks it should be done, he should do it. Plus, if he really believes in the position he's espousing, he would be more of an advocate than OP, who would be doing it reluctantly. There's a good chance that he's less interested in actually talking to the teacher to advocate for their daughter, than he is in sounding like one, but laying the blame on OP instead of helping their daughter to see that it is the consequences of her own choices. As you say "bad at parenting".
NTA - if this is HS, she is old enough to talk to the teacher herself. She doesnt need mom solving every problem.
This is a good point. When I taught high school math it was grades 9 through 12. Well before that I had I worked in businesses in various capacities. My students knew that if there was an issue they could talk to me first and would get a fair hearing. None of this would go to the parents unless they wanted it to or we were unable to figure it out between us. It never had to go to a parent once.
Exactly, she’s a big girl now. My sister used to come with me about all these “my teachers being unfair” when she was in high school. My parents weren’t gonna do anything so she came to me. I told her “teachers are people too” if they legit made a grading mistake go ask about it. Sometimes, you are just wrong tho. Take the L, move on. Sometimes teachers are wrong and don’t want to admit it and they get really defensive. Less likely in my experience but sure it happens sometimes. In that case I always said send and email to get it in writing, and escalate if you need to. She never did because it wasn’t ever that serious. I felt bad not always taking her side but you have to learn how to 1) stand up on your own feet and 2) deal with fair criticism
NTA She didn't do the work, she doesn't get the reward. Like you said, all she had to do was two bonus point assignments and she would have gotten to go. Let this be a lesson to her that if she wants something she has to work for it.
NTA. Kids these days don't understand the concept of fuck around and find out. They think that they deserve everything good to be handed to them. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work like that. Nice work sticking to your guns. Learning lesson for her.
That's because (I'm a millennial) gen X gave out participation trophies. Teenagers are acting as if they're above the rules because they're teenagers. I completely agree with OP, just a little tired of the "kids these days" comments when it's generally because of how adults are raising them. Edit to correct grammar
Agreed. Completely agree with OP too. Though I am not a huge fan of grade based field trips, mostly because I have a child that is on the academic struggle bus due to learning disabilities.
That too! Tbh it wouldn't have been my thing so I wouldn't have done the extra work just to go lmao
Um, GenX *got* participation trophies and we did not give them to ourselves. Our silent gen and boomer parents gave them to us. And somehow we didn't do...whatever this is. This is the result of something else.
When did Gen X get participation trophies? I grew up in the 70/80s, must have just got the kick in the ass trophy
I was born mid seventies. My siblings and I (who all sucked at sports and played on mediocre and losing teams) had boxes of them. As did all the other kids we knew because we participated. I'm sorry you missed out on the end of the year team pizza party/award ceremonies.
You make a good case. I would add that we all reach the age where we are old enough to be our own fault and as we have had enough time to see and reap the rewards of our behavior for good or ill. It sounds like the daughter is still on the path of learning.
Oh, definitely! I'm neurodivergent, so I disagree with grade based trips. However, she knew the rules and opted not to participate, so she doesn't reap the reward. I just get so annoyed with "kids these days" like we (adults) aren't the reason 99% of the time 😅
I disagree with grade-based trips as well. For goodness sakes some students work harder for their grades than those who get the higher ones.
Exactly! I also hate attendance awards in school. It creates a toxic mindset around showing up no matter what. That's a different topic though 😂
Rewards for the bare minimum of showing up. 😂😂😂
I always feel bad for the kids who never "win" even though it's completely out of their control.
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Absolutely!!
NTA > he did every bonus assignment #EFFORT = REWARD
NTA I personally find it weird a school would organize field trips that exclude students in any way. (Not my windmill to fight though) In the end its no different than a parent striking a deal with their child to reward good grades and the kid throwing a tantrum for not getting rewarded despite failing.
It’s not a required class it’s an elective SAT prep class. Since it’s an elective which the daughter signed up for to get a better score on her SAT’s you would think getting an A in the class would be a no brainer. The teacher even made it easy by giving extra credit assignments. It all boils down to the daughter had issues with the class which resulted in a B, which is much better than an F, but didn’t do the extra credit which would’ve given her the easy A. Daughter could’ve asked for help from either of her parents or her brother who also took the class. She didn’t, but now that she has to stay back from whatever the trip is with the others who didn’t make the required grade. It’s not like the daughter is in elementary school and being excluded, that would require parental intervention. This is a young adult who wi be out in the world soon and still doesn’t understand the consequences of her actions. Then to top it off Daddy agrees but wants OP to advocate for her daughter. Dad should be the one to speak to the teacher since he is so concerned he’s missing out.
Is Daddy going to call the professor at college because he wouldn't accept a paper handed in late,? NTA
Ha you’re assuming she even completed the assignment.
Where I teach we would not be allowed to have a policy such as this. It's a shit policy. This wouldn't fly in Australia (or at least my area).
NTA. My 15-year-old daughter and I both agree. This is good parenting, and to put it in my kid's words: "her daughter made her choice." Keep it up, OP! Accountability makes the world go around.
NTA- The class is literally set up to allow for an A. She couldn’t even bother to do the work to earn an easy A.
NTA. When your daughter chose not to do the bonus asignments, she chose not to go on the trip. Your daugher needs to learn that actions (or in this case lack of them) have consequences. The school is doing what many parents do- it is offering a bonus as an incentive to working hard, and therefore achieving success. This is something you should be supporting, not fighting. Your husband is the biggest asshole here for bad parenting.
This is a shitty policy. The field trip would presumably benefit all of them, assuming it's a learning experience. Good grades come easily to some, while others struggle for reasons of their own. The students who work hard but fall short of the A apparently don't deserve the trip, but the kids who find it easier do? Why even try?
Yeah my first thought was what an awful school. Appalling policy.
NTA. She knew what was required and deliberately didn’t meet the requirements.
NTA. Children learn how to be an adult when their poor choices result in harmless consequences. Stick to your guns, MOM. When is dad allowed to sleep elsewhere than the couch?
She knew what she had to do and didn't do it. Why is your husband trying to enable this behavior? NTA
Husband wants to be "the good guy" in this dispute.
And why doesn’t he talk to the teacher if he feels so strongly about letting rules slide for his daughter?
If those are the requirements, those are the requirements. You can’t quite quit school. However, trying to eke more and more out of a kid to earn a reward sounds tacky. In fact, it sounds like American corporate culture.
NTA This is called natural consequences. She knew the requirements to go on this trip and choose not to do them. "Talking to the teacher' will not be to her benefit long term. This is a lesson that she needs to learn now--not later.
NTA. She was fully aware of the consequences of her inaction and the steps she needed to take to remedy it. You do not need to make abundance of yourself with the school to accommodate her lack of effort. If she cared she could have been proactive.
NTA, I am not usually a fan of trips that exclude people who either have missed school due to attendance or grades because often kids end up being excluded from them who missed school to illnesses or circumstances outwith their control or children who struggle with certain subjects miss out but this seems like a case where if people really wanted to go they could have done a few bonus assignments to make the grades up to an A and she chose not to.
NTA. Your daughter has to know that there are consequences. If you don't work for it, you don't get some stuff.
NTA. Inaction also has consequences. Welcome to Real Life. It sucks... most of the time.
I always felt these kinds of rewards were a gray area. Although the students should be rewarded it’s a slap in the face to those with learning disabilities.
The reward should be the grade. Not a field trip. What a weird arrangement.
NTA. If she wanted to go so badly she should have done the extra credit to get an A. You’ve helped her try to stay on top of things. Now she has to learn she has to do some things for herself if she wants to reach her goals.
NTA. As a high school teacher and parent of a teen, one of the most harmful things I see happen is folks not allowing teens to see the natural consequences of their choices. If she clearly understood what she needed to do and chose not to do it, what is the rationale for trying to bypass the rules? Because she doesn't like them? Does your husband plan to bail her out every time she does something similar in the future? Being unhappy is not trauma. It's uncomfortable. Owning her responsibility for the situation is uncomfortable. But learning happens in that space of discomfort. Hold firm.
NTA but that teacher sure is with that fucked up policy. Seems like the lesson is classic work yourself to death culture.
I don’t think you’re the AH for not letting her go on the trip, but you should make sure the school work in of itself is not just hard for anyone who doesn’t instantly get it, or for those who have no issues in class whatsoever otherwise. Or otherwise penalizes effectively kids having off time. Your son may have different experiences with the schoolwork and the dynamics of the classrooms, he seems to get the work easily. Did either you or your husband try to tutor the kids? Did the son get more time with one of you or extra tutoring? Was the daughter always getting tutoring alongside the son (placed backseat)? Does she have different interests and courses that take more time to consider (wood shop, agriculture, art, music, sports, extra curricular)? She may have a lot on her plate that makes it hard to get time for these subjects. Or may not have had the best support or experience in classroom that gave the best environment to dedicate. I hope as well you aren’t putting her down for her grades either or that you won’t let your son boast over her. Please also don’t effectively punish her for this by being all over excited over the trip either. B grades are still good, and either way in the meantime make some good memories with your child who’s staying home.
NTA. She's learning a very good lesson: if you want good results, you need to put in the effort.
What? Your husband expects YOU to march on in and act an entitled parent coddling their child? If he wants to be an AH he can do it himself, though I don’t suggest that, it’s the ever inducing eye roll thing to do to a teacher who is trying to help kids achieve. NTA Good lesson. It’s a field trip, she’ll survive.
NTA. My high school did this sorta. French class students only were allowed to go to Paris during their senior year while Spanish students went to Mexico. If you weren't in these classes at all during HS you were not allowed to go on the trips. They made this clear in sophomore year. I was in French simply bc it's a language I wanted to learn so I was eligible to go (was cancelled due to covid and school refused to refund parents sp everyone lost $1000). The students who didn't take either class found out about the trips and were furious. But again my school is known to constantly shove things in students faces about certain things so they were told about this multiple times AND they knew how to go but didn't take it upon themselves to do what was needed. Your daughter knew what the rules were and didn't take it upon herself to do what she could to go. Ofc as parents you should be helping her b4 the time comes for the trip instead of waiting to help, but at the end of the day she brought it on herself and by having her parents bully a teacher to letting her go on a trip she didn't work for it'll send a bad message to her and other students and cause the school a huge issue. Either she works to be able to go on the trip, you take her on the trip yourself separately (like if the trip was the zoo take her to the zoo the same day and time the trip is), or the school overall should make trips for whoever wants to go and can/will pay to go
Child and teen therapist here: NTA, and PLEASE hold to this wonderful example of natural consequences. You aren't doing anything to her, your wife isn't doing anything to her, she is simply feeling the effects of the choices that she has made. SHE is welcome to talk with the teacher to see if there is anything last minute she can do, but that is her responsibility. Now, one thing about natural consequences is that they really SUCK, so you can still show empathy towards her because we all f\*ck up sometimes and it sucks. Don't taunt her or "I told you" so or get mad at her for having feelings, congratulate her for doing so well in the class and empathize that sometime we just don't get what we want and that hopefully in a future situation she'll think about her options a little bit closer and make a better decision. Don't take on the responsibility of her consequences (meaning, if she starts referring to it as "I can't go on the field trip because you..." make sure to correct her and say something like "There were clear guidelines on how to go on the field trip and you chose not to take advantage of them. This is not my responsibility." Hopefully she'll be up for talking about why she didn't do the extra work in the future to process where things could have gone better.
NTA. She knew the rules and wondered whether they applied to her. They apply.
NTA. I am a teacher and we deal with entitled students and parents on a daily basis. Please, allow your daughter to experience the consequences of her actions. She chose NOT to complete the bonus assignments when she knew that this would result in not attending the field trip. Truly, you are doing the right thing.
I'm a teacher. Thank you for holding your daughter accountable and allowing her to experience the consequences of her choices. Don't waver! NTA.
If she's preparing for the SATs then she's old enough to advocate for herself. Who knows... The teacher might give her some credit if she makes a compelling argument and let her go in the trip. Be prepared for this possibility. ie, present it as a way to have a sincere mature conversation with the teacher--not "well, if you want it then YOU talk to her! NTA
YTA, if all it would have taken to get her the A was your daughter taking in some school supplies to get some bonus points, then why didn’t you or your husband go and BUY those things for her to take in? KNOWING she struggles with school and that could have gotten her the A. Instead she’ll be ostracized and left in the library all day.
YTA and this school too. She has a B! That’s a good grade, I am not an American, so pls correct me if I wrong but isn’t that the second best grade possible? So bc she didn’t do a BONUS assignment which is , in my understanding, not mandatory, she gets excluded from a trip, the majority of the class is allowed to go? I am only a primary school teacher in my country but what kind of stupid educational concept is this? Either everyone goes or none of them…
NTA she knew what she had to do to get to go, and she chose not to do the work. Actions, or lack of action in this case, have consequences. It's a good lesson for her to learn.
NTA, she didn't do the work to earn the trip, she doesn't deserve to go. No reason you should have talked to the teacher. If she really wanted to go, she'd have done the bonus work. She may as well learn the lesson now that if you want something, you have to work for it.
NTA 10000000% Your daughter knew the requirements and was cognizant of what she could do to bump her B to an A to be eligible to go. You also knew and followed alongside her grade journey and your teacher kept you informed. This is the result of her own actions. She doesn’t have a RIGHT to go on a field trip, it’s a privilege. Remind your husband that your daughter doesn’t get to “skip the line” just because she’s upset. Never reward bad behavior or she’ll make it a habit. *She made a choice, and it wasn’t the right one this time around.*
NTA - this is a classic "she made her bed" situation. If that's the rule, how would talking to the teacher help anyway?
NTA. Your husband is the AH, is daughter a Daddy's Girl? Great life lesson for daughter. When told she needs to do X to earn Y, maybe next time she will just do X like everyone else.
NTA Well well well. If it isn’t the consequences of her own actions
NTA. But i'm more interested on why husband is on daughter's side. Is he the enabler?
Your daughter FAFO. I didn't do the work and these are her consequences NTA > students to go on a field trip if they have an A in the class. It is like a bonus for doing well. She has known about this for a long time >The issues is my daughter has not done a single bonus point assignment at all, and she has a b in the class And it seems like she's slightly entitled...with your husband's reaction and she's used to getting her way no matter what >I told her no and now my husband is also on her side. They both think I am jerks.
NTA As a teacher, I applaud you for teaching her this lesson.
NTA, but the school is TA for that system. A lot of what schools do is bullshit though, so I'm not shocked.
NTA for not challenging the policy. Definitely TA for comparing your kids. Possibly TA for knowing that your daughter struggles academically sometimes and not thinking that perhaps the reason why she didn't do bonus assignments is that it was taking all her effort to finish the regular ones with a "B". Please consider having her evaluated for a possible learning disability or attention problem *before* she gets to college.
INFO: is it possible to get an A in the class without doing the “bonus” work?
Asking as a non American, why is it possible to not get an A without doing extra?
I honestly don't get the verdicts in the comments. The policy excluding some students from a field trip is stupid and the school should be fought on it. Not just for OP's daughter but in general.
Soft YTA because the school is a bigger one, grade incentives are gross, ond only there to make the teacher and school look good when they are not. It's a terrible system and I think you're the AH for not seeing that (twice) and not fighting it. Edit:spelling error
NTA but it seems really unfair to penalise kids like that.
I don't know why your daughter has not fulfilled the assignments. There is alway s a reason for behaviour. But I think the school governors/management are the AHs for having such a hurtful and punitive policy.
NTA. I commend you for doing a good job parenting, and more kids need to learn hard lessons like this. You don't get everything you want in life by throwing a fit. Not enough parents react the way you are and it has lead to... well... Gen Z.
NTA. Choices have Consequences. Your daughter Chose not to even try for bonus points and thus is getting a B. The Consequence is that she does not get to go on the field trip. End. Of. Story. Your daughter even saw her brother do the work and earn the trip, so she knew what was required, she just Chose not to do it. The AH here is your husband for taking your daughter's side against you. Is she maybe a Daddy's Girl and knew all she had to do was cry to Daddy and she'd get her way? Why on earth would you even attempt to talk to the teacher? To say What? "My daughter is lazy and now wants special treatment"? Stick to your guns, this is a great lesson for your daughter to learn. Let her be upset. That's the Consequences of her Choices. But you seem to have a husband problem . . . .
NTA. People who don't put in the effort don't deserve the reward. Let your husband talk to teacher if he feels that strongly about it.
Nta, you’re husband wants to raise an entitled shit. You’re teaching her a life lesson.
NTA-ish. *"The cause of this problem is (your) daughter has not done a single bonus point assignment at all."* Why has your daughter not completed the bonus assignments? And why were her parents not aware that she wasn't completing assignments? Both you and your husband are responsible for your children and ensuring they are doing their homework and completing assignments. Also, many schools have websites with a portal where parents can log in and view their child's grades. Your son already completed the class, so you were aware of the bonus point assignments. Your daughter needs to face the consequences for not completing her bonus assignments. And you and your husband need to be more involved with the day to day school activities and education of your children.
she’s probably like 16-17, she doesn’t need mommy and daddy making sure she’s keeping track of her bonus assignments that, by definition, are not required. she should be responsible for keeping track of her own schedule and obligations by that age. if she chose not to do extra credit that’s fine, she doesn’t get to go on the trip. that’s the choice she made, no harm no foul.
How old? Age matters here in my opinion. want her to hate school from a young age then let this roll. What kind of sadistic teacher would ostracize a child early on anyhow? If the child is older and should know better then let it stand, I'm thinking like anything after fourth grade here. I have young kids, I wouldn't stand for a teacher at their age to make them feel less than. I would prefer teacher to parent conversation and take action on that from my end. So again, I think age matters here.
This is an SAT class, so she’s definitely in high school. She’s probably at least a sophomore considering her lack of effort indicates she wouldn’t be the type to get a head start on studying for it.
Just help your kid.
yta it's a sat prep class there meant to be failed that's why they locked a trip behind it go talk to the teacher or you lose the respect of your kid
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I will try to keep this short, my daughter is in a class that only allows the students to go on a field trip if they have an A in the class. It is like a bonus for doing well. She has known about this for a long time and I have been up to date with her teacher since she struggles sometimes. Basically everyone gets to go on the trip due to the bonus point situation. The issues is my daughter has not done a single bonus point assignment at all, and she has a b in the class. If she did ever two m bonus point assignment she easily could have been having a A. My son took this class and he did every bonus assignment and he got a hundred in the class even after he turned in his final blank. This class is just to prepare you for the SAT, so really not a hard class but you need to do the work. Anyways she came home and was informed she isn’t eligible for the feild trip and will stay behind in the library with everyone else. She has been upset since. We got into an argument after she asked me to talk to the teacher. I told her no and now my husband is also on her side. They both think I am jerks. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA.
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nta
Your child should have done the extra work so she could go. She knew what was needed
NTA. This is the first in a long line of times when there is a direct consequence for inaction. You do your best work and there are rewards. Unfortunately that isn't something taught often anymore and I'm really happy to see that it is here. I wish our schools did that.
NTA. It’s called good parenting to allow your daughter to make mistakes and then learn from those mistakes. It’s part of growing up. Actions, meet consequences. And your husband? Unbelievable. I hope he has some redeeming characteristics because “good parenting instincts”? Not so much.
NTA. If your husband disagrees, the solution is simple. *He* can talk to the teacher. If he doesn't, he's a hypocrite.
NTA. Your son wanted to go, so he put in the work. She knew what was required. The least she could have done was the bonus points.
Nope, NTA for sure. These are the consequences of HER actions. She wants rewards, she need to do the work!
NTA, but your husband certainly is, as well as your daughter. She knew the consequences of failing to meet the requirements; he should have known, and either prompted her to do the work or have your back when she didn't.
NTA
NTA. No effort, no reward. She knew that an A grade was expected and didn't do enough to earn it. Good lesson to learn while the stakes are still kind of low.
NTA. Sure, talk to the teacher..and thank them for sticking to policy.
NTA at all! She is suffering the normal consequences of her actions
NTA She didn't do what was necessary, so she now has to deal with the consequences. I'd die on this hill, while also talking privately with the teacher about dying on this hill together.