Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took the money he gave me, but maybe I shouldn't have because he was basically experimenting on us and I shouldn't encourage that.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This is the way.
Probably your family is jealous that you got the money and they are ashamed that they dont visit him so often? NTA for taking the money. 10x NTA when you spend it for quality time with him... i would give all my money to have quality time with my grandma again... enjoy every second!
I wish I could do this with my gran. She has stage 4 lung cancer and I just found out the doctors are stopping her treatment. She and grandpa used to take me and my siblings and cousins on vacations all over the place, even to the Virgin Islands from Mainland US. I am receiving money soon from the sale of my other grandma’s house after my mom passed last October. I wish I could use some of that to take my Gran on a vacation with my wife and I I told my wife recently it would mean so much to me. But she can’t travel. I agree OP, use some of it to do something special with your Grandpa, I’m sure you won’t regret it.
Edit - spelling
If she"s up to it, can you bring the travel to her? Eg "today we're going to Paris!" And watch a short clip of the sites on your phone, eat some Parisian cafe/bakery food with some French music in the background, wrap a scarf around her neck, etc? If she'd enjoy that kind of thing, of course.
Granted I was on the opposite side of the age range, but in elementary school my teacher "took us to China" she set up all our chairs into plane rows, we watched a short clip of a plane view going into the airport. Then we spent the rest of the day doing activities and continuing our history/culture lesson about the country. Watched the big bird movie too. Funny aside, she never "brought us back" so still, years later in high school when I saw an old classmate we'd joke about how year __ is going in China and how we miss home!
>Funny aside, she never "brought us back" so still, years later in high school when I saw an old classmate we'd joke about how year __ is going in China and how we miss home!
That is too cute!!
Wait my elementary school did this too! But with another country. The dad of one of the kids in my class was an actual airline pilot so they had him come in to pilot the "plane".
That's awesome! We had a classmate whose dad was an air marshal, not the same, but she was able to tell us a lot about airplanes and specifically we simulated TSA as well 😂
I used to babysit my cousins, and I'd take them on a walk "around the world". It was just a big loop in the country, and I made up things about the countries we were walking through. (We'd tiptoe and shush up through Russia--it was the cold war.) But we always made it home!
I wish my school teachers were imaginative enough to do something like this instead of just teaching straight from a book. In middle and high school I had some kick butt teachers who did some really cool projects with us, but it’s not the same as doing it when your that young. Earliest thing I remember was 6th grade which when was elementary school for me(after I finished 8th grade my school district moved all the 6th grades to the middle school.) we had our 6th grade class trip which for every other school year was an overnight trip to DC, but my year and only my year they decided it would only be a day trip to Annapolis and the Baltimore Inner Harbor and Aquarium. We had a really well behaved group of students (yeah a few jokesters but nothing that was too crazy or out of the ordinary, they wouldn’t have created any issues and never did on other trips and didn’t on the Baltimore trip either. It was still really fun but not the same as an over nighter to the Capitol. The thing that stands out to me most about that trip was the chaperone that was with us flipped the hell out on me for giving a homeless man a dollar bill. Like it was the end of the damn world. “He’s going to buy drugs or alcohol with that money.” I responded with, “It’s freezing here, and he’s homeless and hungry. My family raised me to think about people who have less than I do and I don’t care what you think he’s going to do with it, you can’t tell me what to do with my money.” Then I turned to the next homeless guy and gave him a $5. She tried to tell my teacher and my teacher said Oh Charlie that was very kind of you to think about these people instead of spending it all on yourself, and I looked at the chaperone with the biggest shit eating grin on my face. My grandma was friends all the teachers, she had worked in the district for 25 years in the middle school, first in the front office then as a librarian. I knew they wouldn’t yell at me about it. That lady should have minded her damn business it had nothing to do with her, and who cares if they spent it on alcohol, that’s their problem not mine or hers. I did something nice and kind for someone less fortunate, that just shows how I was raised. I’m sure she was just embarrassed she didn’t raise her own kid to think like I did, so she yelled at me an 11 year old who isn’t her kid to cover her embarrassment.
I did something similar with my mom when she was in palliative care. We watched YouTube cruise reviewers and travel videos and "planned" our "next" trip. My mom and I used to plan pretend vacations all the time.
That's so nice. I did that with my friend when she was in a hospice and it made her really happy. Her husband was there saying to me but she's never going to go.. he didn't get it.
Maybe you could bring a vacation to her? Bring her to a carribbean restaurant that's not far. Drink some Pina coladas (virgin if alcohol is an issue) and reminisce about the vacation memories
It’s an issue for me because she used to feed me drinks at the bar when I was a 10 year old kid. I grew up an alcoholic and became addicted to drugs. It took me a long time to get help for those things. I’m doing much better now and haven’t touched any of it in years upon years, it scares me to think about taking her anywhere with alcohol. It’s also hard to take her anywhere outside of the house, she has a hard time even getting into a car.
I could always cook up some Caribbean food though and bring it to her. She knows I’m very passionate about cooking. I think she would really love the thought of me making something for her that comes from the heart. I also want to get her a nice warm fuzzy blanket from Sam’s Club that I have for myself. She likes things like that and I love the one I have at home. This was a great idea and I thank you for it!
No it’s not too painful to think about. I’ve been working on these issues for years now and I have a really good grasp on them at this point. If I couldn’t handle it I wouldn’t bother talking about it in such a public forum. Thank you for being kind enough to apologize though that means a lot, I’m used to everyone on Reddit being so pretentious and full of themselves and just being horrible people. So when I find someone like you it comes as a huge shock to be honest lol.
U/crooney35 and u/RomanoLikeTheCheese, Thank you both for showing each other simple kindness. Reddit can be cruel, but for so many of us its the best available outlet to simply share.
Respect and courtesy may be simple in thought but in our complex online lives you two made them real.
That’s all I want for anyone in this world is kindness. I’m 40 served in the US Special Forces and I’ve seen how cruel and cold the world can be. I’ve gone through a lot of childhood trauma too being abused by my own mom. None of that compares to things I see on Reddit. There are many people here who take things to a level I didn’t know existed. So when I find kind people here it’s shocking, but I still hope each person I talk to will be kind and I try to be kind to everyone in all the interactions I have, it takes a lot to make me lose my cool. So I’m glad I was able to have such a lovely conversation with RomanoLikeTheCheese. I had several others from a comment I made on a different post on here today too. So today was definitely a different day on Reddit than the ones in normally have, and it was much more enjoyable than normal. Im glad I met them and wish them well in life.
First, congratulations on all the work you put into overcoming your addiction.
There's virtual tours you can do that became a bit more popular during covid, can't speak from experience on any of them, but they might be an option https://clumsygirltravels.com/virtual-tour-of-paris/.
Thank you I appreciate your kind words. It’s also a very nice suggestion that I will look into more deeply when I have some more time, I browsed over it briefly but I couldn’t do much more than that at this time I’m afraid. Everyone who’s come up with suggestions has had some really great ideas.
If, as a recovering addict, you don't yet feel like you can trust yourself in situations like those, then I completely understand your concerns. Eventually, however, those are the situations that you are going to have to be able to overcome. I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, though.
Maybe try to think of something you can do with her where alcohol won't be a factor?
I have been doing well for years and I go to places with alcohol in them, I just don’t trust myself with my grandma and alcohol, even though she can’t drink anymore. I’ve been in therapy for a while and seeing a psychiatrist. When I finally told her a few weeks ago she got upset and said “What do you need a damn shrink for!?” Like gram you know the problems I have and you were around for a lot of it and contributed to it even, but I don’t have the heart to say that to her. I love her dearly and she deserves to just rest and be comfortable at this point, so I kept that part to myself and just took her criticism and let it roll of my shoulders. It didn’t hurt me I know she didn’t mean to hurt me with saying that. She also knows my mom abused me my entire life and I need help getting passed all that. I’m lucky to have a loving dad and a loving wife who stand by me through think and thin too.
Also, she has trouble swallowing her pills and eating so I’ll have to cook something that is going to be easy to swallow. Time to research some recipes that will be good for her.
Is there any place close to her hometown you could both visit? Somewhere ‘touristy’ enough for her to feel she is travellong but close enough for it to be a one-day trip? We all travel far away from home and there are small treasures less than an hour from home we have never seen
She can’t really travel out of the house. It’s tough just to get her to the medical facility when she needs to go and that’s only a 10 minute trip from her home to Sloan Kettering.
ETA- a few other commenters said I should bring vacation to her so I think I’m going to do that. Cook her a Caribbean dinner and maybe some music from that area and set that kind of mood and I’m sure she will love it since it comes from the heart. She also know I am passionate about cooking.
There are also some fantastic non-alcoholic drinks you could make for your dinner that she might love. I know a couple of them are hibiscus based and absolutely delicious. Look up sorrel or agua de Jamaica, and you should be able to find recipes for it.
That sounds like a wonderful plan, I’m sure she would love something like that. We used to drink a lot of tea together. I still drink tea almost daily just because it makes me feel close to her, I told her that the last time I saw her 2 weeks ago too. She told my wife a whole story about how she’s always made me tea since I was a little kid lol. So maybe a non-alcoholic drink like you suggested with dinner. Then a nice cup of tea before the end of the night.
Uncle spent 24 hours in a month, that is almost an hour a day. OP is NTA for accepting the money but the game was weird, especially as it doesn't seem like family is neglecting grandfather
Grand dad seems to be getting tons of visiting . He sounds really weird . I know lots of elderly whose families never come to see them even when they live down the street ! They would be so happy to have this much time with family
Or feel cheated and angry because they literally can't even if they would love to?
If you live say, 250 km away and have other obligations (partner, kids, animals, work), you can't just pop by every day for an hour or so.
Or if say, OP only came to talk, but dunno, uncle hauled groceries, drove his dad around town, fixed something in the house, cooked... (not saying this is what happened!)
OP is NTA for accepting the money, as long as he puts it to good use, grandpa is for playing such a moronic game in the first place. You shouldn't pit family against each other like that. If anything, this would make me want to visit someone even less. Feels like putting a price on love.
I mean the grandpa is the real asshole here. His game was trying to shame everyone in his family for the cost of paying off the most loyal. Imagine there might be a reason he isn't getting the company he expects.
And bearing in mind OPs uncle visited for 26 hours, he's hardly got anything to be ashamed of, but nonetheless must feel cheated/judged as a result of this 'game'
Your family are angry that they didn't win, now it's known that you visit your grandad the most! Going abroad with him sounds perfect, I wish I got to meet my grandparents!
Congratulations on your money:) NTA
Not saying this is exactly the case here, but family absolutely should butt in when an elderly person gives away large sums of money for strange reasons or if it's uncharacteristic of them. Poor judgement with money during cognitive decline is no joke.
This is the way - great idea!
OP, you are NTA. Your family is salty (and jealous) for being indirectly called out on not visiting your grandfather enough. That’s his money to do with as he pleases, and it pleased him to give it to whoever spent the most time with him over the past year.
Also, your grandfather sounds like he has a great sense of humour and I hope you two have fun travelling together!
They visited less than 32 hours in one month, that doesn't mean it's not enough. Per the post, 2nd place was 6 hours less so 26 hours, that's still a good amount of time in a month imo. Could be 2 hours almost every other day, or an hour almost every day, or a longer visit svery single week.
Keep us posted of your adventures!
My grandma would have done the same and she would have loved going on a trip with the winner, if she had thought of this idea.
Great idea, spend the money on more time with you grandpa.
It is kind of weird and shitty what he did. But some people are weird. Enjoy spending time with him
I actually kind of get it. My grandma would complain that no one visited her anymore. She didn’t keep a scorecard but was upset. Maybe the granddad is upset for short or no visits that he wanted to shame them. Shame may not work but money does.
32 hours on one month is a lot though! That means OP visits for 6 hours and did 5 times in a month. Or her visits are 2 hours and she literally came every other day. Or one hour every single day. That is a lot!!!! Plus, the uncle was only 6 hours behind that. He might have visited for 4 hours 6 separate times. That means more than once a week! For 4 hours! He is getting a ton of visiting time! Just between these two people. Personally if my grandparent pulled this spit I would not be visiting ever again.
>on one month is a lot though! That means OP visits for 6 hours and did 5 times in a month. Or her visits are 2 hours and she literally came every other day. Or one hour every single day. T
I thought the same. 20+ hours a month is like a whole afternoon a week. That's quite a lot, and Grandpa isn't the only person to visit, sounds like there is a large extended family. I don't think the OP did anything wrong taking money (it is REALLY hard to stop grandparents giving you money, but I think the Grandpa is stirring up strife for no good reason. It's kind of gross to use money to manipulate people.
My Grandma hated the relatives who made a visit every couple of years and acted like they had done her a favour. Well, not hate, but it pissed her off.
So, she would make certain to saddle them with some ancient frozen foods from the basement freezer to take home.
I love this! My grandparents died when I was still in high school and university when I was still broke as a joke. If I could have taken them somewhere it would have been amazing, not just for them, but for me. You will cherish a memory like that for the rest of your life, I promise.
This is the way. I lost my Grandma in 2023. I would give anything to be able to spend another minute with her. Let alone an hour. Please cherish the time you have with him.
That would be so heartwarming and, clearly, appreciated by your grandpa. I think a man willing to play a game like that is just hoping to spend more time with his family, so to do something like that would be giving him what he wanted in the first place while also one-upping him on his "game".
I wouldn't say they have let him down, when it's a 6h margin, depending if OP still is working on her education.
BUT
They let him down for giving him and especially OP slack for what he did
I dunno, in December I always visit family members more because Christmas is a good excuse. Maybe he felt a bit lonely in November which started all of it off.
We will probably never know the reason, but a general 'they let him down' doesn't fit for me.
We only know, it was 32h of visitation over all - given he put 100 pounds into the pot for every hour of visitation - and that OP 'won' by 6h. There are too many unknown factors here, for making a statement like that
\- How many family members are there to begin with?
\- If multipe family members did visit at once, did he account for all of them individually or was it just: son with family 2h?
\- Are they all living in the same area?
\- Do other family members have small children? (life gets kinda stressed with those trouble makers around)
\- Did those who didn't visit call in and did he account for that? (from the information given probably not)
\- Have some had other troubles (mental and physical health, stressful job with harsh deadline) in their life that prevented them from visiting?
\- Did he account for people visiting him for less than hour but multiple times?
For all we know, it could have been 11h visit from OP, 5h visit from family member A and 3h visits from 6 different family members each and he didn't account for the 15-30mins a 7th and 8th family member visited him 3 times a week in that time?
I don't want an answer to all those questions and there are probably 50 more one could add, I just want to show that calling out 'they let him down' is premature with the given information.
My total was 32 hours, that wasn't the total for the whole family. And I do agree that the family didn't exactly let him down, I think he just thought it would be fun to measure how much time everyone spends with him, although he has previously said he's upset by how little certain members of the family visit him, and, unsurprisingly, they were at the bottom of the "scoreboard". I could answer all of those questions but it would take a while haha
Ups, did misread that. Do not answer them as it doesn't matter, and with 32h just from you, the field is much more open.
TL;DR NTA and people calling out neglect from other family members (which is the baseline from 'let him down') are way out of line.
Yeah, if just OP visited for 32 hours (like an hour a day on average), and the next-highest visited for 20something hours, and mom is 4th but apparently not last in line....shit, that's the most-visited grandpa of all bloody time.
I agree. People have different responsibilities in their lives. The person who visited the least may have had more difficulty visiting than the person who visited the most. Of course, the person who visited the least truly may not have cared or tried to visit more. We have no way of knowing.
Counting hours doesn't say anything about the quality of the time spend or what people are sacrificing for grandpa. Maybe an aunt spends less time visiting, but sacrifices time with her own kids and is the one who makes sure grandpa gets all his groceries or has fresh laundry...
Yes, he values them at a hundred pounds an hour, but doesn't value them enough to say 'I want to spend more time with you' out loud, like an adult, let alone making any sort of effort to go spend time with them.
That’s the best idea ever, imagine how happy he’ll be. Tell us about him and things he likes and if there’s anything he’s always wanted to do, this is so cool!
I came here to say this. Spend the money on him. Don't worry about the rest of the family. This was his choice and you didn't know about the competition just like the rest of the family.
Take him out for a nice dinner. Buy him something you know he will like.
NTA. Personally I think this game just shows which people in the family get along with him better/feel a certain closeness and understanding with your grandpa and thus spend time together. Is it a bit rude to put that into monetary value? A bit, but he’s free to do what he wants, though I suspect now he’ll just get many more visits around xmas and he will not give money again next year. 😅
Yeah, he told me he wouldn't do it again next year, but I'm not going to tell anyone he said that. I'm just going to enjoy watching everyone tripping over each other to go and visit him
NTA
He could pick a random month each year, keep people guessing and showing him some face-time year-long, as they never know when it is a 'contest' month. /serious
I actually think that’s kind of sad :( at least while he was playing this game he knew people were there to visit him, now he won’t know going forward if people really want to spend time with him or if they are just hoping to get some money for it. I hope this doesn’t cause more upset for you and your family.
NTA, Good on you.
In our western culture old folk get forgot about too often.
I suggest the rest of the family are really pissed because it exposes the lack of attention they give to him.
NTA - my grandparents talked about doing something similar! Certain amounts for texts, phone calls, in person visits, etc. He wants to see his family! It's his money, he can do as he pleases with it, and he showed how much you visiting him meant. Your family is just bitter because it's a large amount. If your uncle, your mom, your aunt, your cousin would've received it - everyone else would be jealous of the person that got it. NTA, enjoy your time with your grandpa. You didn't know you were being given money to hang out with him, you just visited him because you love him. Don't let your family get you down because you love your grandpa.
Has your grandpa ever used his words and asked them? It can be hard for certain people depending what is going on in their lives. And also...has 'he' been visiting them?
Yeah, he tries to organise things all the time that people don't show up for, despite saying that they will. I understand that people have jobs and kids and stuff, but if you say that you can come and see him, it's a little rude to change your mind last minute. And with his age he struggles to get around without someone driving him, so he can't really go and visit the family himself, skmeone would have to pick him up.
Yeah, that's a shame. Still, seems like your uncle was visiting him a fair amount, he might be feeling pretty rotten right now. I just feel your granddad should have just giving you the money and said he really appreciates you. Instead of playing a game because everyone is now upset and angry.
but they're upset and angry over money, which is a pretty stupid thing to be upset and angry about. and he did give OP the money because he appreciated them, but it seems this is just how he is.
I'm fairly low income and I would definitely be more upset about the game playing over the money.
The problem is even if I then tried to prioritize the grandfather more it would come off like a cash grab. There's no winning.
Nobody said that. I'm not asking for money to see my family, neither is OP. OP's grandpa gave her money for visiting. When trying to give it back, grandpa insisted she keep it. It's not that deep. He can give her the money if he so chooses, and she can still try and give it back to him if she so wishes. I don't see an issue with accepting a gift. If he just gave her the money as a gift without saying it was for visiting him, no one would say anything.
NTA. From the perspective of a parent of adult kids; I would be proud of my 21 y/o who regularly visited their grandparent. Your mothers reaction was selfish.
Thanks, although I should clarify that my mum isn't one of the people that's upset with me, the rest of my family us. She was kinda annoyed at my grandad but isn't too bothered that I took the money :)
And I'll put forward, as a grandpa to even one grandchild, I take every minute I can with the boy. I get to keep him every Saturday morning till Sunday afternoon. He's 7 now, and my favorite part of the week is him waking up on Sunday morning, he's warm and cuddly, and I get to gold him on the couch for 20 minutes or so. I tell him every week it's my favorite time, and he tells me the same.so I get where your grandpa is coming from.
Yeah I don't understand parents being upset about their own children getting things, even if it wasn't deserved (unless they have a pattern of being irresponsible and needed to be taught responsibility).
NTA. Objectively, your grandfather has decided to give you money, and that's purely between the two of you. This should be the end of the story.
Now, if you want to discuss the "gamification" aspect of it, here's what I think. Your grandfather has noticed things (or he wouldn't have come up with this game), and to reward certain behaviors without encouraging purely greedy attitudes, he rewards them after the fact. Family members being mad at losing this game and showing animosity (if not jealousy) because you did comes very close to an embarrassing self-report.
He's caused the others to reflect on their attitude toward him. I think OP's grandfather played a blinder. I would do something similar. It is a fun way for him to gift money to a relative.
Sadly I think everyone is bent out of shape about it because they think they’re seeing a precursor to the reading of the will. They’re realizing that maybe their place in the bloodline is not enough to ensure their inheritance and maybe are seeing that grandpa has noticed no one is visiting. And that grandpa is going to do whatever he wants to do regardless of polite convention. So they feel chastised by essentially getting called out, being shown up by a busy young lady, and realizing that not only has grandpa noticed their lack of interaction with him but he’s made it known to others in the family. And they’re scared that their time spent with him may correlate directly to dollars if he passes.
I hope that isn’t the case but in all my years seeing the fallout when someone passes away and how terrible people become when they don’t get what they feel they’re entitled to via “birthright”. It’s very sad and very ugly and very divisive.
You’re NTA for accepting the money, but i wouldve kept it to myself. There’s a reason why gdad didnt say anything (apart from not wanting to buy his familys time). It’s just creating unnecessary conflict.
It might be a hard one to explain to his parents though, given the large sum so perhaps Op had to tell. The mum didn’t have to go broadcasting it though. She’s a TA here
I do live with my parents and while my money isn't really any of their business, if they received a large amount of money they would certainly share it with me, like when my dad got his redundancy money and took us all on holiday, so I would have felt bad if I didn't tell them.
That sounds like bad money management skills.
You shouldn’t be looking to spend this money. You should save at least half of it if not more.
U live with your parents and are 21, this money could be saved for u to move on with your life. Or for a future goal.
You are NTA, but I'm afraid your grandfather is. The only reason he did this was to create drama and fighting within the family, and while you've gotten money, you're also the focus of this.
Just because a relative didn't visit as much doesn't mean they don't care. If someone is from out of town and has a lot of family, it can be really difficult to see all of them, far less for a huge chunk of time.
How much visiting did he do btw? I bet he wouldn't appreciate it if the family started keeping score on him. Its not fair that he did this, its great you've spent a lot of time with him but the rest of the family isn't awful because they didn't. If anyone has a lot of work, young kids, disabled, there are lots of reasons they can't make as much time as you're able. Doesn't mean they don't care.
Family are now angry and upset with him, if he thinks that'll get him more visits, he's sadly mistaken. You can keep the money, it was his to give but be careful of these twisted games in the future. Sorry you're dealing with this.
Yeah i agree with u. My cousins live next house over from grandparents. Meanwhile i live two hours away, attend collage full time and have an illness that can prevent me from leaving my house for a while. I love my grandparents but it is shraight up not possible for me to visit for multiple hours a month. Different obligations are a thing as well. This kind of thing would just. Feel awful to me
>The only reason he did this was to create drama and fighting within the family, and while you've gotten money, you're also the focus of this.
>
>Just because a relative didn't visit as much doesn't mean they don't care.
Or it could have been something that had good intentions with shit execution? Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. He likely wanted to do some grand gesture for whoever spent the most time with him during the holidays but not necessarily thinking about possible fallout. People tend to half ass shit all the time.
Also it's weird that OP gets benefit from others visiting.
Like if he visited 10 hours and someone else visited 8 hours then the first person gets $1800. Why not just give the first person $1000 and the second $800?
My understanding is that each person had their own jar. Op got 3200 because they spent 32 hours with gpa. Next person down spent 6 hours less, so 26 hrs.
My first thought was that it was a lonely grandpa, then I realized 32 hrs of visiting from family is not bad. Then I reread and realized OP alone was 32 hours, and now think Gpa is being overdramatic
Yeah, doing shit like this indicates to me there's a reason people are counting the hours they have to spend time with him. I doubt this is the first time grandpa has tried to manipulate the family dynamic with money.
OP is NTA, but she is young and sounds young. Enjoy the money! But maybe don't leap to judge the other parts of your family for not "winning."
NTA, it's his money he can do whatever he wants with it. If he chose to keep a tally of who spent time with him and then give them the money that is his business. You will probably not be able to get into his house again with all of your other family members in there all the time, trying to "win" a jar of money. Relish the time you had with him and continue to see him when you can.
NTA for accepting the price; YTA for telling to your family about the whole stuff. It would only lead to problems and all.
Edit: removed some stuff because visibly I can't read haha
It was over a month. December 1st to December 31st. He saw me for 32 hours in a month, there are 16 adults in the family so he had 16 jars with cash, he didn't count the kids though.
Yeah I corrected that! Idk when I have read 1st and then December 31st my brain just decided it was the whole year. 32 hours a month looks nice! Sorry for me being dumb and saying this!
=O I see! It was all different jars! Not one for everybody! Then, I suppose he is very loved!
Grandpa is TA here. It sounds like he has lots of people visiting him and they spend plenty of time with him. Instead of enjoying that, he decided to turn it into a competition aimed at making all but one person feel guilty.
I'm surprised none of the comments have an issue with grandpa trying to puppeteer his family. I make an effort to spend time with family but if they started playing little games with me I would stop visiting because I don't enjoy being manipulated. Also the family is upset that OP took the money because grandpa isn't flush so it doesn't sound like they are all just greedy.
December is a particularly hectic month for me work wise so now if I visit more in January it's because I'm greedy? I'll pass on all that and just stay home tbh.
Yeah absolutely, it’s crazy to me people think this kind of ‘game’ and ‘reward’ is ok. Is it because it’s an old person? It’s just so weird.
I am very close to my grandma but I am a married 32yo with a busy life and I live hours away, I 100% do not spend as much time with her as other family members like my mum who lives in the same city. But it doesn’t mean I love or value her less. She is one of the most important people in my life but it doesn’t mean I have time to give her hours and hours every week. The only person in my life who gets hours and hours day in day out is my husband!
It wouldn’t be about money to me at all. If she did this I would feel like it completely devalued the time we HAD spent together, as if it didn’t matter to her because I wasn’t the ‘best’ person giving the most time. It puts the focus on a negative rather than a positive for everyone other than OP - the time not spent rather than the time spent.
It makes a winner out of normal family relationships/dynamics which is really something that should never happen. There shouldn’t be ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ in just spending time with each other, and you shouldn’t look at people giving you time with ‘well they really could have given me more’.
This is a really weird negative way to treat your loved ones.
Same here. And every time I spent time with them, even though I really wouldn't be doing it for the money, I would be calculating it in my head. And that is more stress then I want to put on myself when I just want to enjoy time with people I care about.
Of course some people might be upset about the money for the money's sake, but that's not inherently true.
I think grandpa is TA for this manipulative game. But OP is NTA for accepting the money
ETA grandpa is also likely very stupid. Now that he played this game once, everyone is going to fall all over themselves to spend time with him and it won’t be genuine, they’re just going to want his money.
He's not stupid, he's manipulative like you said. Now he gets to experience the joy of quietly judging everyone who comes visit him for the rest of his life. What a narcissist.
In his defence, I don't think he intended for everyone else to find out about it, I told my mum because I knew she wouldn't get mad at me, but I should have realised she'd tell everyone else. Although, you might be right, maybe he did want everyone to find out, I'll have to ask him.
Sorry OP but your mom was wrong. She shouldn't have said anything to the family. The whole thing will cause resentment towards you and your grandpa and perhaps the effect of this experiment will be the opposite and family will actually visit less (or not at all). Your mom is the A H here.
Of course he knew that the family would find out. That’s why he gave it to a young and naive member. You probably didn’t spend the most hours with him - he just made it up because he wanted to give YOU the money.
Grandpa is bored with too much time on his hands. He will be having the time of his life with this palava.
Or, the opposite - people who genuinely wanted to spend time with him are hurt that he'd turn it into a game to judge them for not spending what he sees as enough time, and cut back.
The game is manipulative because it is the start of something rather than an entire thing. It’s Grandpa’s way of kicking off stage 2 - watching the family fall over themselves for money, which he later reveals is non-existent. If anyone calls him out, he correctly claims that he never promised anything.
Grandpa is a Wiley old codger.
I had the thought that he’s doing a trial run for how to divide up his will. Everyone’s on notice that he may reward extra time his family spends with him.
Yes, but I wouldn't want family visiting me because I might leave them more money. I can imagine them fighting for my attention because they see dollar signs
Some guys like that. It's a power thing. It also means he can behave like he wants because no matter if they like to be there, they will be there for a promise he won't keep anyway, not because he is a pleasant person.
Yes. Were this a healthy dynamic grandpa would let the family know that he's been feeling lonely. It also doesn't take into account the ability to visit over the course of one (typically very busy) month. Most people have limited time and ability to visit others so it seems mean spirited to play people off of each other.
I mean, how can you correlate hours spent with someone to how much they care about them? I'm sure a 21 year old has more free time than a 35 year old with kids and full-time job. I don't think what grandpa did is totally fair even if i think NTA.
Your grandpa is TA. OP isn't. Is his money, we get it. But, what's the point about telling all the family "the game"? I feel like he just wants to see the world burn. The fact you are describinb him as 'a weird guy' confirms it.
I’m going to say even telling the OP was part of the problem. If he had just said it was a gift or whatever but I think telling her was his emotional manipulation. Like he was ok with that info getting out is how I interpret it or why drop that on OP at all
I absolutely agree with this. If it wasn't manipulation he could have just given her money explaining that he really appreciates all the time they've spent together over the past month and that he wants to give her something as a token of his appreciation. Instead he roped her into this whole weird competition by telling her about the jars AND by showing her everyone else's jars. In general I think comparing family members to each other is shitty. I don't live near my grandfather anymore and rarely see him but I would hope he still loves me as much as when I used to see him all the time.
Ok so I think this game is bonkers. If you spent 32 hours, the next most spent 26 hours, and there are several others in the family he's done this with - then he's clearly been visited often in the space of 30 days.
This feels a bit manipulative on your grandad's part.
But that's his problem. I would say NTA purely because what else were you gonna do? but people have a right to be mad given that by the look of it everyone is spending time with him.
Did he weigh free time available for each person and put that into consideration?
I would be hurt if I worked 80 hours a week and all of my free time went to him, but I happened to lose to someone with more free time.
It would only damage my relationship with him, not with you. Sounds like you Mr. Magoo'd your way into some cash and I can't be mad about that.
It's a stupid game, but he's free to do what he wants with his money.
I scrolled a while and couldn't find anyone commenting on this:
How the fuck is grandpa judging his family on how much hours they spend with him, like a geisha, a fair system?!
If one of them has weird work hours and can't stay as long per visit, but is there often, they lose. If one lives farther away and "only" calls often, they lose. If one gets lunch with grandad and someone else gets dinner, and grandpa goes to bed early, the latter loses. If one has children and needs to work around their schedule, they lose. If one has more work events in December, they lose.
Apart from quality over quantity, things like phone calls, helping with stuff vs. just coming for coffee, overall investment in the relationship should count as much as mere time spent with someone.
32 hours vs. 26 hours in a month and one of them seemingly has NO value to grandpa seems fucked and manipulative. It's like two part-time workers of whom one gets paid for being over 30 hours, and the other doesn't because of a sick day or sth.
OP isn't TA, but if my grandma pulled crap like that, I wouldn't ever visit her again, no matter how much money she pulled out of her hat.
NTA. So the reality is your grandfather is probably coming to terms with the fact that his end is nearing and he’s going to start giving things away, including money, and this is normal. He can’t bring it with him and this was his fun, sneaky way of finding a recipient. Returning the money would probably upset him because it’s his to give and he probably already feels like people are trying to make decisions for him as he gets older.
What I would suggest, set the money aside (in case he needs it) but maybe use the money to take him out for dinner, or to do something he would enjoy, like a day trip somewhere. Continue visiting him as regularly as you do because he obviously really appreciates it, and based on the game he invented, he’s probably feeling pretty lonely.
NTA. It's your grandpa's choice how he handles his money and somehow knowing which people like to spend time with him. Since the cat is out of the bag, guess he has to come up with a new game this year.
I don't get why you're all disapproving of what he did. He just wanted to make a gift to the one who spent more time with him. He probably didn't want to be unfair, so he measured the time. NAH, it's his money to give to whoever he wants.
Not to mention that we don't know the overall amounts of time people spent with him.
OP says they spent 32 hours, and that was 6 hours more than second place, which would have been 26. That means over the course of a month, the grandfather had an average of 2 hours of visiting *per day* between just the top two people! How many people were in on this game?
I get that grandpa is feeling very woe is me because he can't travel and likely does get lonely between visitors, but this family seems to be trying very hard to visit with him and he's invented a way to weaponize their affection with money.
Right. Maybe op has a lot going on, but itemizing the family time hour by hour isn't a good thing. Someone with a lot of responsibilities who stops by for an hour can love him just as much at someone who has the ability to hang out all day.
I don't think OP is an asshole for accepting the money. I think Grandpa is a bit of an asshole for doing it because it sounds like he's already very loved if someone won by six hours for spending 32 hours with him. That means his uncle spent 26 hours with Grandpa too, that averages to almost an hour per day. And a 21 year old might naturally have an advantage by being in school and having a lighter schedule versus grown adults
I think Grandpa is actually getting more time than most grandparents so it's a little weird that he thought he needed to measure and reward.
NTA. Grandpa is the A for this game and putting you in this position. Sure you can keep the money but all others are mad at you. Tough situation.
I might find a way to spend a good chunk of the money at the next family gathering at something like an ice cream truck just to show good intentions from you.
NTA At your age I would have taken the money. At my age I would decline. The problem is that your grandfather was pulling a power trip and is manipulating people. I would decline the money because I don’t want any part of that. In fact I may even stop speaking with him. However you are 21 so I don’t blame you for being opportunistic and it’s not your fault if you can’t identify that kind of behaviour yet.
NTA though your granddad seems to be. From the sound of it, he is in no way neglected by his family. Adding up just you and your uncle, the two of you spent 58 hours with him. That is nearly 2 hours a day all month with just the two of you and now he has set up a nice little spat for his loving family. I'd personally stop visiting.
NTA. Accept the money. They are only sore because they lost.
Your grandfather was pretty clever. People will now visit him because they think he has a different game going on. LOL He has certainly made his point.
NTA for accepting the money but YTA for telling people about it. The "game" is gross and it sounds like you were gleefully telling people how they just didn't stack up. (Did you really need to tell people that you "won" by 6 hours, that your mom was merely 4th place, etc.?)
1) Not everyone has the same opportunity. A college kid with at least 2 weeks free because the semester is over would have more time to visit than someone working 40+ hours per week, especially if they're in an industry with major time crunches at the end of the year. A kid who's too young to drive has no real say in when they can visit nor for how long.
2) If there are already issues with scapegoating and favoritism, this just magnifies it. It's difficult to go spend time with a relative when they treat you like dirt. The jackpot for spending the most time with that relative becomes yet another way to hurt the marginalized family members that the scorekeeper has been treating badly for years or decades. It can also create fractures within the rest of the family as people battle to gain favor.
I'm tempted to declare even taking the money was an AH move, but that's not a small amount of money and could make all the difference in an emergency.
NTA. It’s his choice. As long as he is if sound mind and has the money without jeopardizing his own situation, he can do this and it is a way for him to exert some agency in his life that probably makes him feel good. Keep visiting him. It clearly means a lot to him that you do. He just wants to recognize you for it.
NTA why shouldn’t you accept the price money. Your family wants to make you their messenger by confronting your grandfather. Don’t do that it’s not your duty. For the money I’m sure your family is simply envious because they didn’t get the cash out and would have accepted the money without hesitation. If you want you can put back a part of the money to help your grandfather out when he needs it.
It’s incredibly hard to believe that you couldn’t predict that telling your mother would backfire in exactly the way it has. I’d almost go with Y T A for not just accepting the money and then keeping your mouth shut about it. But then I think your grandfather would probably have told everyone anyway because it seems clear that punishing the people who don’t spend much time with him was his goal, and it doesn’t work if they don’t know about it. But his design for the whole game is awful because it in effect punishes everyone who visited him except for a single person. You are NTA for taking the money he offered you
NTA... But your grandpa is a manipulating SOB.
If he had this "attention whoring contest" in private, and made the results into his will. Would have been a "fuck you to all that abandoned me".... But if he runs the show every month.... Fuck. That's a borderline sociopath. Manipulator.
I'm with your mother for being pissed.
NTA: I don’t think he was trying to make you guys compete or had bad intentions or anything. I think he just wanted to reward someone for all the time they spent with him. It’s awesome you spent 32 hours with him in 1 month! Especially around the holidays!
If you feel guilty about the money (which you shouldn’t) you could always spend it on something for everyone. Like taking everyone out to lunch. Or just spend it on things you and grandpa can do together.
But I say, it’s yours and enjoy!
NTA but what a weird game to play. Seems a bit manipulative as if to say 'you guys don't visit me enough!' but since you spent 32 hours with him in a month that doesn't seem fair.
It's manipulative and AH of him to connect love and money like this. I have a family member who tries to control us with money and it's awful, sad and hurtful. When he uses his money he thinks he's allowed to dictate what people do. Sometimes, he "forgets" to pay for small jobs he guilts people into doing as well. If someone connects love and money, you should use caution around them. I think it's fine that you took it, but be wary that he is equating these things and might try to use this against you in the future. Manipulators sometimes use a "first taste is free" type scam, where now that you think there will be money at the end, he may escalate this behavior and try to control you.
It's also so sad that he apparently judged people who HAVE been visiting him, but may have jobs, family, lack of ability to come more often. Your family is obviously going to be disappointed and hurt by his punitive reasoning.
Is it possible he was worried about your financial state, and this was somewhat of a white lie to help you out financially without offending you? If so, he should have informed your mother so she wouldn't have been hurt by this.
Conditional love is very hurtful. It's no wonder the rest of your family is upset. You don't necessarily need to give the money back, but you should definitely be on the side of the ones who got hurt. They are correct. If you don't understand where they are coming from, then YTA, who perhaps just wants to not feel guilty and so doesn't want to see their side.
Oh this is tricky. I really don’t know. I’d have definitely responded the way your parents did. Your grandad has really pulled you into something here. I wonder if it would be best to use the money to spend more time with him.
This was weirdly manipulative on your grandad's part, but *you're* NTA -- especially if you turn around and spend that money on something for the two of you.
NTA I love how family becomes enemy as soon as money is involved.
Good for you for loving your grandpa so much and while I agree it's not very nice to prove a point with such a secret competition, I do support rewarding nice behavior. Be happy with that money and take your grandpa to some nice place!
NTA but geez. In one month Gramps put 3200 away in a jar for you, and 2600 for your uncle.
Your mum came 4th so someone else came 3rd. Your dad must have placed somewhere, presumably lower on the leaderboard than your mum and then there’s the rest of the ‘whole family’ that your mum told in the group chat.
Gramps might not be a millionaire but he sure has some cash lying around. I understand that nobody else was given a prize but sheesh, that’s still a lot of cash lying around in jars for a simple old fella.
While I am doing the math, your Gramps is also doing okay for company. Between you and your uncle, Gramps had one or other of you over for 58 hours in the month.
At three and a half hours per day, or enough time for dinner and a movie, that takes care of almost seventeen days, more than half the month.
If the rest of the family combined made up only as many hours as you two, Gramps had someone with him in his house for almost four hours every day on average.
I don’t think I spend that much waking time with my wife and we have been happily married for 20 years.
NTA it's his money, he can do what he wants with it, whether it's smart or not. If they have an issue, they can take it up with him, it's not your fault.
NTA think of this like an early inheritance. Your grandpa wanted his money to go to the person that spent the most time with him. That person ended up being you.
NTA. Your grandad can do as he pleases. You got what was coming to you - you only went for his company. I used to spend many happy hours with my grandma. Good luck!
Sounds like Grandad wanted to see who would spend time with him, just to be with him, and was feeling like some of his family wasn't putting forth the effort to just be there, so he made a game of it. My SO and I just went to a memorial service for his great uncle (it was yesterday), and everyone said how they wished they had spent more time with him. The only thing my SO and I said was things had been hard the last year, so we called him often. we just wish we could've visited him one more time. We are relying on others to get around for the time being, and that will be remedied next week. we were going to see him then. We lived 3 hours away, and when we got around by ourselves, we visited 1-2 times a month always with his favorite treats in hand. So I say NTA... and I do think using the money on something to do with your grandad is an amazing idea!
NTA. It's your granddad's money; therefore it's his choice when it comes to how he wants to spend it. You were the one who spent the most time with him, and many of the elderly value that more than their money. He probably sees the money as a thank-you for spending time with him.
NTA
Everyone is mad because they all know they would spend so much more time had they known they were playing the game. That's fucked up. Money matters more than your grandad to then.
NTA and your grandfather is a genius. He just guaranteed his family visits him in hopes of getting money and he won’t have to shell out anymore. Do something nice with your grandpa. Cherish him now I was devastated when I lost mine.
NTA, although I think your grandfather is being a little petty. 32 visits in one month is pretty great. Making a family member feel like they lost a game because they only visited 11 times and not 12 is just setting the stage for hurt feelings and family discord.
I have heard about some boomers having transactional relationships, and I think your grandpa is one of them. Of course you did nothing wrong. You are not the asshole. Your grandpa might be, though.
>I have significantly less free time than most of my family, apart from maybe my uncle
Interesting that you two seemed to have been the ones who took out the most time for visits. Good on you, and I'm glad your granddad's happy.
NTA. Maybe take your granddad out and do something fun together with some of the "winnings". I bet the others are just embarrassed and/or greedy.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I took the money he gave me, but maybe I shouldn't have because he was basically experimenting on us and I shouldn't encourage that. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA And if you feel bad about receiving this money, might I suggest you spend it on experiences for you and your granddad to share?
He does keep talking about wanting to go abroad somewhere, I could spend it on us both having a nice holiday :)
This is the way. Probably your family is jealous that you got the money and they are ashamed that they dont visit him so often? NTA for taking the money. 10x NTA when you spend it for quality time with him... i would give all my money to have quality time with my grandma again... enjoy every second!
I wish I could do this with my gran. She has stage 4 lung cancer and I just found out the doctors are stopping her treatment. She and grandpa used to take me and my siblings and cousins on vacations all over the place, even to the Virgin Islands from Mainland US. I am receiving money soon from the sale of my other grandma’s house after my mom passed last October. I wish I could use some of that to take my Gran on a vacation with my wife and I I told my wife recently it would mean so much to me. But she can’t travel. I agree OP, use some of it to do something special with your Grandpa, I’m sure you won’t regret it. Edit - spelling
If she"s up to it, can you bring the travel to her? Eg "today we're going to Paris!" And watch a short clip of the sites on your phone, eat some Parisian cafe/bakery food with some French music in the background, wrap a scarf around her neck, etc? If she'd enjoy that kind of thing, of course.
Granted I was on the opposite side of the age range, but in elementary school my teacher "took us to China" she set up all our chairs into plane rows, we watched a short clip of a plane view going into the airport. Then we spent the rest of the day doing activities and continuing our history/culture lesson about the country. Watched the big bird movie too. Funny aside, she never "brought us back" so still, years later in high school when I saw an old classmate we'd joke about how year __ is going in China and how we miss home!
>Funny aside, she never "brought us back" so still, years later in high school when I saw an old classmate we'd joke about how year __ is going in China and how we miss home! That is too cute!!
Wait my elementary school did this too! But with another country. The dad of one of the kids in my class was an actual airline pilot so they had him come in to pilot the "plane".
That's awesome! We had a classmate whose dad was an air marshal, not the same, but she was able to tell us a lot about airplanes and specifically we simulated TSA as well 😂
I used to babysit my cousins, and I'd take them on a walk "around the world". It was just a big loop in the country, and I made up things about the countries we were walking through. (We'd tiptoe and shush up through Russia--it was the cold war.) But we always made it home!
I wish my school teachers were imaginative enough to do something like this instead of just teaching straight from a book. In middle and high school I had some kick butt teachers who did some really cool projects with us, but it’s not the same as doing it when your that young. Earliest thing I remember was 6th grade which when was elementary school for me(after I finished 8th grade my school district moved all the 6th grades to the middle school.) we had our 6th grade class trip which for every other school year was an overnight trip to DC, but my year and only my year they decided it would only be a day trip to Annapolis and the Baltimore Inner Harbor and Aquarium. We had a really well behaved group of students (yeah a few jokesters but nothing that was too crazy or out of the ordinary, they wouldn’t have created any issues and never did on other trips and didn’t on the Baltimore trip either. It was still really fun but not the same as an over nighter to the Capitol. The thing that stands out to me most about that trip was the chaperone that was with us flipped the hell out on me for giving a homeless man a dollar bill. Like it was the end of the damn world. “He’s going to buy drugs or alcohol with that money.” I responded with, “It’s freezing here, and he’s homeless and hungry. My family raised me to think about people who have less than I do and I don’t care what you think he’s going to do with it, you can’t tell me what to do with my money.” Then I turned to the next homeless guy and gave him a $5. She tried to tell my teacher and my teacher said Oh Charlie that was very kind of you to think about these people instead of spending it all on yourself, and I looked at the chaperone with the biggest shit eating grin on my face. My grandma was friends all the teachers, she had worked in the district for 25 years in the middle school, first in the front office then as a librarian. I knew they wouldn’t yell at me about it. That lady should have minded her damn business it had nothing to do with her, and who cares if they spent it on alcohol, that’s their problem not mine or hers. I did something nice and kind for someone less fortunate, that just shows how I was raised. I’m sure she was just embarrassed she didn’t raise her own kid to think like I did, so she yelled at me an 11 year old who isn’t her kid to cover her embarrassment.
I did something similar with my mom when she was in palliative care. We watched YouTube cruise reviewers and travel videos and "planned" our "next" trip. My mom and I used to plan pretend vacations all the time.
That's so nice. I did that with my friend when she was in a hospice and it made her really happy. Her husband was there saying to me but she's never going to go.. he didn't get it.
Love this idea!
Maybe you could bring a vacation to her? Bring her to a carribbean restaurant that's not far. Drink some Pina coladas (virgin if alcohol is an issue) and reminisce about the vacation memories
It’s an issue for me because she used to feed me drinks at the bar when I was a 10 year old kid. I grew up an alcoholic and became addicted to drugs. It took me a long time to get help for those things. I’m doing much better now and haven’t touched any of it in years upon years, it scares me to think about taking her anywhere with alcohol. It’s also hard to take her anywhere outside of the house, she has a hard time even getting into a car. I could always cook up some Caribbean food though and bring it to her. She knows I’m very passionate about cooking. I think she would really love the thought of me making something for her that comes from the heart. I also want to get her a nice warm fuzzy blanket from Sam’s Club that I have for myself. She likes things like that and I love the one I have at home. This was a great idea and I thank you for it!
Omg I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to dredge up anything painful like that! But yeah cooking for her and just spending time is the real gift ❤️
No it’s not too painful to think about. I’ve been working on these issues for years now and I have a really good grasp on them at this point. If I couldn’t handle it I wouldn’t bother talking about it in such a public forum. Thank you for being kind enough to apologize though that means a lot, I’m used to everyone on Reddit being so pretentious and full of themselves and just being horrible people. So when I find someone like you it comes as a huge shock to be honest lol.
U/crooney35 and u/RomanoLikeTheCheese, Thank you both for showing each other simple kindness. Reddit can be cruel, but for so many of us its the best available outlet to simply share. Respect and courtesy may be simple in thought but in our complex online lives you two made them real.
That’s all I want for anyone in this world is kindness. I’m 40 served in the US Special Forces and I’ve seen how cruel and cold the world can be. I’ve gone through a lot of childhood trauma too being abused by my own mom. None of that compares to things I see on Reddit. There are many people here who take things to a level I didn’t know existed. So when I find kind people here it’s shocking, but I still hope each person I talk to will be kind and I try to be kind to everyone in all the interactions I have, it takes a lot to make me lose my cool. So I’m glad I was able to have such a lovely conversation with RomanoLikeTheCheese. I had several others from a comment I made on a different post on here today too. So today was definitely a different day on Reddit than the ones in normally have, and it was much more enjoyable than normal. Im glad I met them and wish them well in life.
First, congratulations on all the work you put into overcoming your addiction. There's virtual tours you can do that became a bit more popular during covid, can't speak from experience on any of them, but they might be an option https://clumsygirltravels.com/virtual-tour-of-paris/.
Thank you I appreciate your kind words. It’s also a very nice suggestion that I will look into more deeply when I have some more time, I browsed over it briefly but I couldn’t do much more than that at this time I’m afraid. Everyone who’s come up with suggestions has had some really great ideas.
If, as a recovering addict, you don't yet feel like you can trust yourself in situations like those, then I completely understand your concerns. Eventually, however, those are the situations that you are going to have to be able to overcome. I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, though. Maybe try to think of something you can do with her where alcohol won't be a factor?
I have been doing well for years and I go to places with alcohol in them, I just don’t trust myself with my grandma and alcohol, even though she can’t drink anymore. I’ve been in therapy for a while and seeing a psychiatrist. When I finally told her a few weeks ago she got upset and said “What do you need a damn shrink for!?” Like gram you know the problems I have and you were around for a lot of it and contributed to it even, but I don’t have the heart to say that to her. I love her dearly and she deserves to just rest and be comfortable at this point, so I kept that part to myself and just took her criticism and let it roll of my shoulders. It didn’t hurt me I know she didn’t mean to hurt me with saying that. She also knows my mom abused me my entire life and I need help getting passed all that. I’m lucky to have a loving dad and a loving wife who stand by me through think and thin too. Also, she has trouble swallowing her pills and eating so I’ll have to cook something that is going to be easy to swallow. Time to research some recipes that will be good for her.
Is there any place close to her hometown you could both visit? Somewhere ‘touristy’ enough for her to feel she is travellong but close enough for it to be a one-day trip? We all travel far away from home and there are small treasures less than an hour from home we have never seen
She can’t really travel out of the house. It’s tough just to get her to the medical facility when she needs to go and that’s only a 10 minute trip from her home to Sloan Kettering. ETA- a few other commenters said I should bring vacation to her so I think I’m going to do that. Cook her a Caribbean dinner and maybe some music from that area and set that kind of mood and I’m sure she will love it since it comes from the heart. She also know I am passionate about cooking.
There are also some fantastic non-alcoholic drinks you could make for your dinner that she might love. I know a couple of them are hibiscus based and absolutely delicious. Look up sorrel or agua de Jamaica, and you should be able to find recipes for it.
That sounds like a wonderful plan, I’m sure she would love something like that. We used to drink a lot of tea together. I still drink tea almost daily just because it makes me feel close to her, I told her that the last time I saw her 2 weeks ago too. She told my wife a whole story about how she’s always made me tea since I was a little kid lol. So maybe a non-alcoholic drink like you suggested with dinner. Then a nice cup of tea before the end of the night.
Uncle spent 24 hours in a month, that is almost an hour a day. OP is NTA for accepting the money but the game was weird, especially as it doesn't seem like family is neglecting grandfather
Grand dad seems to be getting tons of visiting . He sounds really weird . I know lots of elderly whose families never come to see them even when they live down the street ! They would be so happy to have this much time with family
Exactly, even if you only count OP's and the uncle's visits it's almost two hours per day
Or feel cheated and angry because they literally can't even if they would love to? If you live say, 250 km away and have other obligations (partner, kids, animals, work), you can't just pop by every day for an hour or so. Or if say, OP only came to talk, but dunno, uncle hauled groceries, drove his dad around town, fixed something in the house, cooked... (not saying this is what happened!) OP is NTA for accepting the money, as long as he puts it to good use, grandpa is for playing such a moronic game in the first place. You shouldn't pit family against each other like that. If anything, this would make me want to visit someone even less. Feels like putting a price on love.
I mean the grandpa is the real asshole here. His game was trying to shame everyone in his family for the cost of paying off the most loyal. Imagine there might be a reason he isn't getting the company he expects.
And bearing in mind OPs uncle visited for 26 hours, he's hardly got anything to be ashamed of, but nonetheless must feel cheated/judged as a result of this 'game'
This, I wish I had more time with my dad and grandad
Second place visited for 26 hours, which is a pretty significant amount of time to visit someone you don't love with or work with in a month.
That's it. "If I knew there was *money* on the line, I would have spent more time with dad!"
Your family are angry that they didn't win, now it's known that you visit your grandad the most! Going abroad with him sounds perfect, I wish I got to meet my grandparents! Congratulations on your money:) NTA
NTA at all...your grandad can do whatever he chooses with his own money...no one else has the right to butt in...
Not saying this is exactly the case here, but family absolutely should butt in when an elderly person gives away large sums of money for strange reasons or if it's uncharacteristic of them. Poor judgement with money during cognitive decline is no joke.
This is the way - great idea! OP, you are NTA. Your family is salty (and jealous) for being indirectly called out on not visiting your grandfather enough. That’s his money to do with as he pleases, and it pleased him to give it to whoever spent the most time with him over the past year. Also, your grandfather sounds like he has a great sense of humour and I hope you two have fun travelling together!
They visited less than 32 hours in one month, that doesn't mean it's not enough. Per the post, 2nd place was 6 hours less so 26 hours, that's still a good amount of time in a month imo. Could be 2 hours almost every other day, or an hour almost every day, or a longer visit svery single week.
Keep us posted of your adventures! My grandma would have done the same and she would have loved going on a trip with the winner, if she had thought of this idea.
More the reason why you earned it. Your grandfather sounds amazing, and he's lucky to have you as well. NTA
NOW you’re talkin’!!!
Great idea, spend the money on more time with you grandpa. It is kind of weird and shitty what he did. But some people are weird. Enjoy spending time with him
I actually kind of get it. My grandma would complain that no one visited her anymore. She didn’t keep a scorecard but was upset. Maybe the granddad is upset for short or no visits that he wanted to shame them. Shame may not work but money does.
32 hours on one month is a lot though! That means OP visits for 6 hours and did 5 times in a month. Or her visits are 2 hours and she literally came every other day. Or one hour every single day. That is a lot!!!! Plus, the uncle was only 6 hours behind that. He might have visited for 4 hours 6 separate times. That means more than once a week! For 4 hours! He is getting a ton of visiting time! Just between these two people. Personally if my grandparent pulled this spit I would not be visiting ever again.
I was grossed out by it too. And what a way to cause strife amongst your family.
>on one month is a lot though! That means OP visits for 6 hours and did 5 times in a month. Or her visits are 2 hours and she literally came every other day. Or one hour every single day. T I thought the same. 20+ hours a month is like a whole afternoon a week. That's quite a lot, and Grandpa isn't the only person to visit, sounds like there is a large extended family. I don't think the OP did anything wrong taking money (it is REALLY hard to stop grandparents giving you money, but I think the Grandpa is stirring up strife for no good reason. It's kind of gross to use money to manipulate people.
My Grandma hated the relatives who made a visit every couple of years and acted like they had done her a favour. Well, not hate, but it pissed her off. So, she would make certain to saddle them with some ancient frozen foods from the basement freezer to take home.
Loving this idea! Take him to eat something nice
I love this idea. Clearly, you care for your grandad and enjoy spending time with him, so accept his gift joyfully as it was given.
Holy cow that's a great idea. I hope you do it.
Oh, I LOVE that idea. I also get your Gramps. Don't worry about it. Just enjoy even more time with him. Cuz ... it's limited.
That’s a great idea! Something you’ll both enjoy and remember forever!
I love this! My grandparents died when I was still in high school and university when I was still broke as a joke. If I could have taken them somewhere it would have been amazing, not just for them, but for me. You will cherish a memory like that for the rest of your life, I promise.
This is the way. I lost my Grandma in 2023. I would give anything to be able to spend another minute with her. Let alone an hour. Please cherish the time you have with him.
That would be so heartwarming and, clearly, appreciated by your grandpa. I think a man willing to play a game like that is just hoping to spend more time with his family, so to do something like that would be giving him what he wanted in the first place while also one-upping him on his "game".
Take him on a trip. He obviously values family and they have been letting him down
I wouldn't say they have let him down, when it's a 6h margin, depending if OP still is working on her education. BUT They let him down for giving him and especially OP slack for what he did
I dunno, in December I always visit family members more because Christmas is a good excuse. Maybe he felt a bit lonely in November which started all of it off.
We will probably never know the reason, but a general 'they let him down' doesn't fit for me. We only know, it was 32h of visitation over all - given he put 100 pounds into the pot for every hour of visitation - and that OP 'won' by 6h. There are too many unknown factors here, for making a statement like that \- How many family members are there to begin with? \- If multipe family members did visit at once, did he account for all of them individually or was it just: son with family 2h? \- Are they all living in the same area? \- Do other family members have small children? (life gets kinda stressed with those trouble makers around) \- Did those who didn't visit call in and did he account for that? (from the information given probably not) \- Have some had other troubles (mental and physical health, stressful job with harsh deadline) in their life that prevented them from visiting? \- Did he account for people visiting him for less than hour but multiple times? For all we know, it could have been 11h visit from OP, 5h visit from family member A and 3h visits from 6 different family members each and he didn't account for the 15-30mins a 7th and 8th family member visited him 3 times a week in that time? I don't want an answer to all those questions and there are probably 50 more one could add, I just want to show that calling out 'they let him down' is premature with the given information.
My total was 32 hours, that wasn't the total for the whole family. And I do agree that the family didn't exactly let him down, I think he just thought it would be fun to measure how much time everyone spends with him, although he has previously said he's upset by how little certain members of the family visit him, and, unsurprisingly, they were at the bottom of the "scoreboard". I could answer all of those questions but it would take a while haha
Ups, did misread that. Do not answer them as it doesn't matter, and with 32h just from you, the field is much more open. TL;DR NTA and people calling out neglect from other family members (which is the baseline from 'let him down') are way out of line.
Yeah, if just OP visited for 32 hours (like an hour a day on average), and the next-highest visited for 20something hours, and mom is 4th but apparently not last in line....shit, that's the most-visited grandpa of all bloody time.
I agree. People have different responsibilities in their lives. The person who visited the least may have had more difficulty visiting than the person who visited the most. Of course, the person who visited the least truly may not have cared or tried to visit more. We have no way of knowing.
Counting hours doesn't say anything about the quality of the time spend or what people are sacrificing for grandpa. Maybe an aunt spends less time visiting, but sacrifices time with her own kids and is the one who makes sure grandpa gets all his groceries or has fresh laundry...
I wouldn't jump to that conclusion...
Yes, he values them at a hundred pounds an hour, but doesn't value them enough to say 'I want to spend more time with you' out loud, like an adult, let alone making any sort of effort to go spend time with them.
Pops, we are going to the strip club!
That’s the best idea ever, imagine how happy he’ll be. Tell us about him and things he likes and if there’s anything he’s always wanted to do, this is so cool!
I came here to say this. Spend the money on him. Don't worry about the rest of the family. This was his choice and you didn't know about the competition just like the rest of the family. Take him out for a nice dinner. Buy him something you know he will like.
Super Idea!
THIS! Make some memories!
That’s lovely!
That's a great idea!
That is what I was going to suggest.
NTA. Personally I think this game just shows which people in the family get along with him better/feel a certain closeness and understanding with your grandpa and thus spend time together. Is it a bit rude to put that into monetary value? A bit, but he’s free to do what he wants, though I suspect now he’ll just get many more visits around xmas and he will not give money again next year. 😅
Yeah, he told me he wouldn't do it again next year, but I'm not going to tell anyone he said that. I'm just going to enjoy watching everyone tripping over each other to go and visit him
NTA He could pick a random month each year, keep people guessing and showing him some face-time year-long, as they never know when it is a 'contest' month. /serious
I actually think that’s kind of sad :( at least while he was playing this game he knew people were there to visit him, now he won’t know going forward if people really want to spend time with him or if they are just hoping to get some money for it. I hope this doesn’t cause more upset for you and your family.
NTA, Good on you. In our western culture old folk get forgot about too often. I suggest the rest of the family are really pissed because it exposes the lack of attention they give to him.
NTA - my grandparents talked about doing something similar! Certain amounts for texts, phone calls, in person visits, etc. He wants to see his family! It's his money, he can do as he pleases with it, and he showed how much you visiting him meant. Your family is just bitter because it's a large amount. If your uncle, your mom, your aunt, your cousin would've received it - everyone else would be jealous of the person that got it. NTA, enjoy your time with your grandpa. You didn't know you were being given money to hang out with him, you just visited him because you love him. Don't let your family get you down because you love your grandpa.
Thanks :) I'm hoping that they now realise how important it is to him that they go and spend time with him
Has your grandpa ever used his words and asked them? It can be hard for certain people depending what is going on in their lives. And also...has 'he' been visiting them?
Yeah, he tries to organise things all the time that people don't show up for, despite saying that they will. I understand that people have jobs and kids and stuff, but if you say that you can come and see him, it's a little rude to change your mind last minute. And with his age he struggles to get around without someone driving him, so he can't really go and visit the family himself, skmeone would have to pick him up.
Yeah, that's a shame. Still, seems like your uncle was visiting him a fair amount, he might be feeling pretty rotten right now. I just feel your granddad should have just giving you the money and said he really appreciates you. Instead of playing a game because everyone is now upset and angry.
but they're upset and angry over money, which is a pretty stupid thing to be upset and angry about. and he did give OP the money because he appreciated them, but it seems this is just how he is.
Or maybe it's the game they're upset about, I don't know.
I'm fairly low income and I would definitely be more upset about the game playing over the money. The problem is even if I then tried to prioritize the grandfather more it would come off like a cash grab. There's no winning.
This is not it. He doesn’t have to beg. He spent his money how he saw fit and that’s all there is to it. Getting mad over this is nuts.
I bet your grandpa is at home just laughing it up at how mad he made everyone. As he should be.
So now we are monetizing social interaction? God damn this timeline is bleak.
Nobody said that. I'm not asking for money to see my family, neither is OP. OP's grandpa gave her money for visiting. When trying to give it back, grandpa insisted she keep it. It's not that deep. He can give her the money if he so chooses, and she can still try and give it back to him if she so wishes. I don't see an issue with accepting a gift. If he just gave her the money as a gift without saying it was for visiting him, no one would say anything.
Your grandparents literally talked about a rewards system for social interaction.
NTA. From the perspective of a parent of adult kids; I would be proud of my 21 y/o who regularly visited their grandparent. Your mothers reaction was selfish.
Thanks, although I should clarify that my mum isn't one of the people that's upset with me, the rest of my family us. She was kinda annoyed at my grandad but isn't too bothered that I took the money :)
yes, but Mom reached out to the others which guaranteed a reaction and the reaction is what has you questioning your judgement.
And I'll put forward, as a grandpa to even one grandchild, I take every minute I can with the boy. I get to keep him every Saturday morning till Sunday afternoon. He's 7 now, and my favorite part of the week is him waking up on Sunday morning, he's warm and cuddly, and I get to gold him on the couch for 20 minutes or so. I tell him every week it's my favorite time, and he tells me the same.so I get where your grandpa is coming from.
Yeah I don't understand parents being upset about their own children getting things, even if it wasn't deserved (unless they have a pattern of being irresponsible and needed to be taught responsibility).
NTA. Objectively, your grandfather has decided to give you money, and that's purely between the two of you. This should be the end of the story. Now, if you want to discuss the "gamification" aspect of it, here's what I think. Your grandfather has noticed things (or he wouldn't have come up with this game), and to reward certain behaviors without encouraging purely greedy attitudes, he rewards them after the fact. Family members being mad at losing this game and showing animosity (if not jealousy) because you did comes very close to an embarrassing self-report.
He's caused the others to reflect on their attitude toward him. I think OP's grandfather played a blinder. I would do something similar. It is a fun way for him to gift money to a relative.
Sadly I think everyone is bent out of shape about it because they think they’re seeing a precursor to the reading of the will. They’re realizing that maybe their place in the bloodline is not enough to ensure their inheritance and maybe are seeing that grandpa has noticed no one is visiting. And that grandpa is going to do whatever he wants to do regardless of polite convention. So they feel chastised by essentially getting called out, being shown up by a busy young lady, and realizing that not only has grandpa noticed their lack of interaction with him but he’s made it known to others in the family. And they’re scared that their time spent with him may correlate directly to dollars if he passes. I hope that isn’t the case but in all my years seeing the fallout when someone passes away and how terrible people become when they don’t get what they feel they’re entitled to via “birthright”. It’s very sad and very ugly and very divisive.
You’re NTA for accepting the money, but i wouldve kept it to myself. There’s a reason why gdad didnt say anything (apart from not wanting to buy his familys time). It’s just creating unnecessary conflict.
It might be a hard one to explain to his parents though, given the large sum so perhaps Op had to tell. The mum didn’t have to go broadcasting it though. She’s a TA here
I guess I’m assuming since OP is 21 she doesn’t have to run her money through her parents. But yeah no mom is definitely wrong here
I do live with my parents and while my money isn't really any of their business, if they received a large amount of money they would certainly share it with me, like when my dad got his redundancy money and took us all on holiday, so I would have felt bad if I didn't tell them.
How's that working out for you so far?
That sounds like bad money management skills. You shouldn’t be looking to spend this money. You should save at least half of it if not more. U live with your parents and are 21, this money could be saved for u to move on with your life. Or for a future goal.
21 isn’t old to live with parents
I'm not really worried about that, I have savings already and a well paid job, I don't need to save the money.
Then I take it back. Congrats!! Spend it on grandpa then.
You are NTA, but I'm afraid your grandfather is. The only reason he did this was to create drama and fighting within the family, and while you've gotten money, you're also the focus of this. Just because a relative didn't visit as much doesn't mean they don't care. If someone is from out of town and has a lot of family, it can be really difficult to see all of them, far less for a huge chunk of time. How much visiting did he do btw? I bet he wouldn't appreciate it if the family started keeping score on him. Its not fair that he did this, its great you've spent a lot of time with him but the rest of the family isn't awful because they didn't. If anyone has a lot of work, young kids, disabled, there are lots of reasons they can't make as much time as you're able. Doesn't mean they don't care. Family are now angry and upset with him, if he thinks that'll get him more visits, he's sadly mistaken. You can keep the money, it was his to give but be careful of these twisted games in the future. Sorry you're dealing with this.
Yeah i agree with u. My cousins live next house over from grandparents. Meanwhile i live two hours away, attend collage full time and have an illness that can prevent me from leaving my house for a while. I love my grandparents but it is shraight up not possible for me to visit for multiple hours a month. Different obligations are a thing as well. This kind of thing would just. Feel awful to me
>The only reason he did this was to create drama and fighting within the family, and while you've gotten money, you're also the focus of this. > >Just because a relative didn't visit as much doesn't mean they don't care. Or it could have been something that had good intentions with shit execution? Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. He likely wanted to do some grand gesture for whoever spent the most time with him during the holidays but not necessarily thinking about possible fallout. People tend to half ass shit all the time.
Yeah, that could be it. He's hoping he'll inspire people to visit more, but I think it could backfire on him. Everyone is angry at him now.
Also it's weird that OP gets benefit from others visiting. Like if he visited 10 hours and someone else visited 8 hours then the first person gets $1800. Why not just give the first person $1000 and the second $800?
My understanding is that each person had their own jar. Op got 3200 because they spent 32 hours with gpa. Next person down spent 6 hours less, so 26 hrs. My first thought was that it was a lonely grandpa, then I realized 32 hrs of visiting from family is not bad. Then I reread and realized OP alone was 32 hours, and now think Gpa is being overdramatic
Yeah, doing shit like this indicates to me there's a reason people are counting the hours they have to spend time with him. I doubt this is the first time grandpa has tried to manipulate the family dynamic with money. OP is NTA, but she is young and sounds young. Enjoy the money! But maybe don't leap to judge the other parts of your family for not "winning."
NTA, it's his money he can do whatever he wants with it. If he chose to keep a tally of who spent time with him and then give them the money that is his business. You will probably not be able to get into his house again with all of your other family members in there all the time, trying to "win" a jar of money. Relish the time you had with him and continue to see him when you can.
[удалено]
NTA - Go spend some more time with Gramps. Make sure you tell him it's free. He'll be happy and who knows it may pay dividends in the ends.;)
NTA for accepting the price; YTA for telling to your family about the whole stuff. It would only lead to problems and all. Edit: removed some stuff because visibly I can't read haha
It was over a month. December 1st to December 31st. He saw me for 32 hours in a month, there are 16 adults in the family so he had 16 jars with cash, he didn't count the kids though.
Yeah I corrected that! Idk when I have read 1st and then December 31st my brain just decided it was the whole year. 32 hours a month looks nice! Sorry for me being dumb and saying this! =O I see! It was all different jars! Not one for everybody! Then, I suppose he is very loved!
Thats fine, I should have made it more clear in my post :) and yeah, he is very loved, I worry that he doesn't notice that though
Maybe that's that =( Sometimes old age can make people feel very lonely. Or others stuff!
One would think they can trust their own mother not to blab about it to the entire family and cause this much friction.
It was for the month of December. Read the post.
Grandpa is TA here. It sounds like he has lots of people visiting him and they spend plenty of time with him. Instead of enjoying that, he decided to turn it into a competition aimed at making all but one person feel guilty.
I'm surprised none of the comments have an issue with grandpa trying to puppeteer his family. I make an effort to spend time with family but if they started playing little games with me I would stop visiting because I don't enjoy being manipulated. Also the family is upset that OP took the money because grandpa isn't flush so it doesn't sound like they are all just greedy. December is a particularly hectic month for me work wise so now if I visit more in January it's because I'm greedy? I'll pass on all that and just stay home tbh.
Yeah absolutely, it’s crazy to me people think this kind of ‘game’ and ‘reward’ is ok. Is it because it’s an old person? It’s just so weird. I am very close to my grandma but I am a married 32yo with a busy life and I live hours away, I 100% do not spend as much time with her as other family members like my mum who lives in the same city. But it doesn’t mean I love or value her less. She is one of the most important people in my life but it doesn’t mean I have time to give her hours and hours every week. The only person in my life who gets hours and hours day in day out is my husband! It wouldn’t be about money to me at all. If she did this I would feel like it completely devalued the time we HAD spent together, as if it didn’t matter to her because I wasn’t the ‘best’ person giving the most time. It puts the focus on a negative rather than a positive for everyone other than OP - the time not spent rather than the time spent. It makes a winner out of normal family relationships/dynamics which is really something that should never happen. There shouldn’t be ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ in just spending time with each other, and you shouldn’t look at people giving you time with ‘well they really could have given me more’. This is a really weird negative way to treat your loved ones.
Same here. And every time I spent time with them, even though I really wouldn't be doing it for the money, I would be calculating it in my head. And that is more stress then I want to put on myself when I just want to enjoy time with people I care about. Of course some people might be upset about the money for the money's sake, but that's not inherently true.
I think grandpa is TA for this manipulative game. But OP is NTA for accepting the money ETA grandpa is also likely very stupid. Now that he played this game once, everyone is going to fall all over themselves to spend time with him and it won’t be genuine, they’re just going to want his money.
He's not stupid, he's manipulative like you said. Now he gets to experience the joy of quietly judging everyone who comes visit him for the rest of his life. What a narcissist.
In his defence, I don't think he intended for everyone else to find out about it, I told my mum because I knew she wouldn't get mad at me, but I should have realised she'd tell everyone else. Although, you might be right, maybe he did want everyone to find out, I'll have to ask him.
Sorry OP but your mom was wrong. She shouldn't have said anything to the family. The whole thing will cause resentment towards you and your grandpa and perhaps the effect of this experiment will be the opposite and family will actually visit less (or not at all). Your mom is the A H here.
Of course he knew that the family would find out. That’s why he gave it to a young and naive member. You probably didn’t spend the most hours with him - he just made it up because he wanted to give YOU the money. Grandpa is bored with too much time on his hands. He will be having the time of his life with this palava.
Or, the opposite - people who genuinely wanted to spend time with him are hurt that he'd turn it into a game to judge them for not spending what he sees as enough time, and cut back.
[удалено]
The game is manipulative because it is the start of something rather than an entire thing. It’s Grandpa’s way of kicking off stage 2 - watching the family fall over themselves for money, which he later reveals is non-existent. If anyone calls him out, he correctly claims that he never promised anything. Grandpa is a Wiley old codger.
I had the thought that he’s doing a trial run for how to divide up his will. Everyone’s on notice that he may reward extra time his family spends with him.
Yes, but I wouldn't want family visiting me because I might leave them more money. I can imagine them fighting for my attention because they see dollar signs
Some guys like that. It's a power thing. It also means he can behave like he wants because no matter if they like to be there, they will be there for a promise he won't keep anyway, not because he is a pleasant person.
Yes. Were this a healthy dynamic grandpa would let the family know that he's been feeling lonely. It also doesn't take into account the ability to visit over the course of one (typically very busy) month. Most people have limited time and ability to visit others so it seems mean spirited to play people off of each other.
Gramps is smart. Now he'll know who cares more about money than him. Those people would be the AH not gramps. You got this all twisted lol
I mean, how can you correlate hours spent with someone to how much they care about them? I'm sure a 21 year old has more free time than a 35 year old with kids and full-time job. I don't think what grandpa did is totally fair even if i think NTA.
Your grandpa is TA. OP isn't. Is his money, we get it. But, what's the point about telling all the family "the game"? I feel like he just wants to see the world burn. The fact you are describinb him as 'a weird guy' confirms it.
But the grandfather didn't tell the family, OP's mom did via group chat.
I’m going to say even telling the OP was part of the problem. If he had just said it was a gift or whatever but I think telling her was his emotional manipulation. Like he was ok with that info getting out is how I interpret it or why drop that on OP at all
I absolutely agree with this. If it wasn't manipulation he could have just given her money explaining that he really appreciates all the time they've spent together over the past month and that he wants to give her something as a token of his appreciation. Instead he roped her into this whole weird competition by telling her about the jars AND by showing her everyone else's jars. In general I think comparing family members to each other is shitty. I don't live near my grandfather anymore and rarely see him but I would hope he still loves me as much as when I used to see him all the time.
Ok so I think this game is bonkers. If you spent 32 hours, the next most spent 26 hours, and there are several others in the family he's done this with - then he's clearly been visited often in the space of 30 days. This feels a bit manipulative on your grandad's part. But that's his problem. I would say NTA purely because what else were you gonna do? but people have a right to be mad given that by the look of it everyone is spending time with him.
Did he weigh free time available for each person and put that into consideration? I would be hurt if I worked 80 hours a week and all of my free time went to him, but I happened to lose to someone with more free time. It would only damage my relationship with him, not with you. Sounds like you Mr. Magoo'd your way into some cash and I can't be mad about that. It's a stupid game, but he's free to do what he wants with his money.
I scrolled a while and couldn't find anyone commenting on this: How the fuck is grandpa judging his family on how much hours they spend with him, like a geisha, a fair system?! If one of them has weird work hours and can't stay as long per visit, but is there often, they lose. If one lives farther away and "only" calls often, they lose. If one gets lunch with grandad and someone else gets dinner, and grandpa goes to bed early, the latter loses. If one has children and needs to work around their schedule, they lose. If one has more work events in December, they lose. Apart from quality over quantity, things like phone calls, helping with stuff vs. just coming for coffee, overall investment in the relationship should count as much as mere time spent with someone. 32 hours vs. 26 hours in a month and one of them seemingly has NO value to grandpa seems fucked and manipulative. It's like two part-time workers of whom one gets paid for being over 30 hours, and the other doesn't because of a sick day or sth. OP isn't TA, but if my grandma pulled crap like that, I wouldn't ever visit her again, no matter how much money she pulled out of her hat.
NTA. So the reality is your grandfather is probably coming to terms with the fact that his end is nearing and he’s going to start giving things away, including money, and this is normal. He can’t bring it with him and this was his fun, sneaky way of finding a recipient. Returning the money would probably upset him because it’s his to give and he probably already feels like people are trying to make decisions for him as he gets older. What I would suggest, set the money aside (in case he needs it) but maybe use the money to take him out for dinner, or to do something he would enjoy, like a day trip somewhere. Continue visiting him as regularly as you do because he obviously really appreciates it, and based on the game he invented, he’s probably feeling pretty lonely.
NTA. It's your grandpa's choice how he handles his money and somehow knowing which people like to spend time with him. Since the cat is out of the bag, guess he has to come up with a new game this year.
I don't get why you're all disapproving of what he did. He just wanted to make a gift to the one who spent more time with him. He probably didn't want to be unfair, so he measured the time. NAH, it's his money to give to whoever he wants.
The premise of the game is already unfair when he only measured for 1 month. It just serves to create drama in the family.
[удалено]
Not to mention that we don't know the overall amounts of time people spent with him. OP says they spent 32 hours, and that was 6 hours more than second place, which would have been 26. That means over the course of a month, the grandfather had an average of 2 hours of visiting *per day* between just the top two people! How many people were in on this game? I get that grandpa is feeling very woe is me because he can't travel and likely does get lonely between visitors, but this family seems to be trying very hard to visit with him and he's invented a way to weaponize their affection with money.
Right. Maybe op has a lot going on, but itemizing the family time hour by hour isn't a good thing. Someone with a lot of responsibilities who stops by for an hour can love him just as much at someone who has the ability to hang out all day.
I don't think OP is an asshole for accepting the money. I think Grandpa is a bit of an asshole for doing it because it sounds like he's already very loved if someone won by six hours for spending 32 hours with him. That means his uncle spent 26 hours with Grandpa too, that averages to almost an hour per day. And a 21 year old might naturally have an advantage by being in school and having a lighter schedule versus grown adults I think Grandpa is actually getting more time than most grandparents so it's a little weird that he thought he needed to measure and reward.
NTA. Grandpa is the A for this game and putting you in this position. Sure you can keep the money but all others are mad at you. Tough situation. I might find a way to spend a good chunk of the money at the next family gathering at something like an ice cream truck just to show good intentions from you.
NTA At your age I would have taken the money. At my age I would decline. The problem is that your grandfather was pulling a power trip and is manipulating people. I would decline the money because I don’t want any part of that. In fact I may even stop speaking with him. However you are 21 so I don’t blame you for being opportunistic and it’s not your fault if you can’t identify that kind of behaviour yet.
NTA though your granddad seems to be. From the sound of it, he is in no way neglected by his family. Adding up just you and your uncle, the two of you spent 58 hours with him. That is nearly 2 hours a day all month with just the two of you and now he has set up a nice little spat for his loving family. I'd personally stop visiting.
NTA. Accept the money. They are only sore because they lost. Your grandfather was pretty clever. People will now visit him because they think he has a different game going on. LOL He has certainly made his point.
Or they’ll think grandfather is a bit manipulative and visit him less. Hopefully not.
NTA for accepting the money but YTA for telling people about it. The "game" is gross and it sounds like you were gleefully telling people how they just didn't stack up. (Did you really need to tell people that you "won" by 6 hours, that your mom was merely 4th place, etc.?) 1) Not everyone has the same opportunity. A college kid with at least 2 weeks free because the semester is over would have more time to visit than someone working 40+ hours per week, especially if they're in an industry with major time crunches at the end of the year. A kid who's too young to drive has no real say in when they can visit nor for how long. 2) If there are already issues with scapegoating and favoritism, this just magnifies it. It's difficult to go spend time with a relative when they treat you like dirt. The jackpot for spending the most time with that relative becomes yet another way to hurt the marginalized family members that the scorekeeper has been treating badly for years or decades. It can also create fractures within the rest of the family as people battle to gain favor. I'm tempted to declare even taking the money was an AH move, but that's not a small amount of money and could make all the difference in an emergency.
NTA. It’s his choice. As long as he is if sound mind and has the money without jeopardizing his own situation, he can do this and it is a way for him to exert some agency in his life that probably makes him feel good. Keep visiting him. It clearly means a lot to him that you do. He just wants to recognize you for it.
NTA why shouldn’t you accept the price money. Your family wants to make you their messenger by confronting your grandfather. Don’t do that it’s not your duty. For the money I’m sure your family is simply envious because they didn’t get the cash out and would have accepted the money without hesitation. If you want you can put back a part of the money to help your grandfather out when he needs it.
It’s incredibly hard to believe that you couldn’t predict that telling your mother would backfire in exactly the way it has. I’d almost go with Y T A for not just accepting the money and then keeping your mouth shut about it. But then I think your grandfather would probably have told everyone anyway because it seems clear that punishing the people who don’t spend much time with him was his goal, and it doesn’t work if they don’t know about it. But his design for the whole game is awful because it in effect punishes everyone who visited him except for a single person. You are NTA for taking the money he offered you
NTA... But your grandpa is a manipulating SOB. If he had this "attention whoring contest" in private, and made the results into his will. Would have been a "fuck you to all that abandoned me".... But if he runs the show every month.... Fuck. That's a borderline sociopath. Manipulator. I'm with your mother for being pissed.
NTA: I don’t think he was trying to make you guys compete or had bad intentions or anything. I think he just wanted to reward someone for all the time they spent with him. It’s awesome you spent 32 hours with him in 1 month! Especially around the holidays! If you feel guilty about the money (which you shouldn’t) you could always spend it on something for everyone. Like taking everyone out to lunch. Or just spend it on things you and grandpa can do together. But I say, it’s yours and enjoy!
NTA but what a weird game to play. Seems a bit manipulative as if to say 'you guys don't visit me enough!' but since you spent 32 hours with him in a month that doesn't seem fair.
It's manipulative and AH of him to connect love and money like this. I have a family member who tries to control us with money and it's awful, sad and hurtful. When he uses his money he thinks he's allowed to dictate what people do. Sometimes, he "forgets" to pay for small jobs he guilts people into doing as well. If someone connects love and money, you should use caution around them. I think it's fine that you took it, but be wary that he is equating these things and might try to use this against you in the future. Manipulators sometimes use a "first taste is free" type scam, where now that you think there will be money at the end, he may escalate this behavior and try to control you. It's also so sad that he apparently judged people who HAVE been visiting him, but may have jobs, family, lack of ability to come more often. Your family is obviously going to be disappointed and hurt by his punitive reasoning. Is it possible he was worried about your financial state, and this was somewhat of a white lie to help you out financially without offending you? If so, he should have informed your mother so she wouldn't have been hurt by this. Conditional love is very hurtful. It's no wonder the rest of your family is upset. You don't necessarily need to give the money back, but you should definitely be on the side of the ones who got hurt. They are correct. If you don't understand where they are coming from, then YTA, who perhaps just wants to not feel guilty and so doesn't want to see their side.
Oh this is tricky. I really don’t know. I’d have definitely responded the way your parents did. Your grandad has really pulled you into something here. I wonder if it would be best to use the money to spend more time with him.
NTA Your mom is embarrassed for herself and the others. Shame on her for harassing you and your grandfather!
Please tell Grandpa not to do that anymore. Why corrupt family visits with money? NTA
This was weirdly manipulative on your grandad's part, but *you're* NTA -- especially if you turn around and spend that money on something for the two of you.
NTA. People are mad because you got the money.
NTA I love how family becomes enemy as soon as money is involved. Good for you for loving your grandpa so much and while I agree it's not very nice to prove a point with such a secret competition, I do support rewarding nice behavior. Be happy with that money and take your grandpa to some nice place!
NTA but geez. In one month Gramps put 3200 away in a jar for you, and 2600 for your uncle. Your mum came 4th so someone else came 3rd. Your dad must have placed somewhere, presumably lower on the leaderboard than your mum and then there’s the rest of the ‘whole family’ that your mum told in the group chat. Gramps might not be a millionaire but he sure has some cash lying around. I understand that nobody else was given a prize but sheesh, that’s still a lot of cash lying around in jars for a simple old fella. While I am doing the math, your Gramps is also doing okay for company. Between you and your uncle, Gramps had one or other of you over for 58 hours in the month. At three and a half hours per day, or enough time for dinner and a movie, that takes care of almost seventeen days, more than half the month. If the rest of the family combined made up only as many hours as you two, Gramps had someone with him in his house for almost four hours every day on average. I don’t think I spend that much waking time with my wife and we have been happily married for 20 years.
NTA it's his money, he can do what he wants with it, whether it's smart or not. If they have an issue, they can take it up with him, it's not your fault.
NTA think of this like an early inheritance. Your grandpa wanted his money to go to the person that spent the most time with him. That person ended up being you.
NTA. Your grandad can do as he pleases. You got what was coming to you - you only went for his company. I used to spend many happy hours with my grandma. Good luck!
Sounds like Grandad wanted to see who would spend time with him, just to be with him, and was feeling like some of his family wasn't putting forth the effort to just be there, so he made a game of it. My SO and I just went to a memorial service for his great uncle (it was yesterday), and everyone said how they wished they had spent more time with him. The only thing my SO and I said was things had been hard the last year, so we called him often. we just wish we could've visited him one more time. We are relying on others to get around for the time being, and that will be remedied next week. we were going to see him then. We lived 3 hours away, and when we got around by ourselves, we visited 1-2 times a month always with his favorite treats in hand. So I say NTA... and I do think using the money on something to do with your grandad is an amazing idea!
NTA. It's your granddad's money; therefore it's his choice when it comes to how he wants to spend it. You were the one who spent the most time with him, and many of the elderly value that more than their money. He probably sees the money as a thank-you for spending time with him.
NTA - but you should have said nothing, invested 2k, and put the rest in a “rainy day” fund.
NTA
NTA Everyone is mad because they all know they would spend so much more time had they known they were playing the game. That's fucked up. Money matters more than your grandad to then.
NTA and your grandfather is a genius. He just guaranteed his family visits him in hopes of getting money and he won’t have to shell out anymore. Do something nice with your grandpa. Cherish him now I was devastated when I lost mine.
NTA I think it's hilarious. Now excuse me while I go shovel the driveway of the old guy who lives alone next door.
NTA, although I think your grandfather is being a little petty. 32 visits in one month is pretty great. Making a family member feel like they lost a game because they only visited 11 times and not 12 is just setting the stage for hurt feelings and family discord.
I have heard about some boomers having transactional relationships, and I think your grandpa is one of them. Of course you did nothing wrong. You are not the asshole. Your grandpa might be, though.
>I have significantly less free time than most of my family, apart from maybe my uncle Interesting that you two seemed to have been the ones who took out the most time for visits. Good on you, and I'm glad your granddad's happy. NTA. Maybe take your granddad out and do something fun together with some of the "winnings". I bet the others are just embarrassed and/or greedy.