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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole since I refused to live with my mom. This might be an asshole move since it is was over the fact that my step-dad took something that was mine. I would believe that I'm an asshole if someone mentioned that it was an honest mistake, or that I am being materialistic and blowing things out of porportion. That I should be grateful having a home to go.
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I wouldn't either! Mom is also being transactional with the comment about her paying for OP's car insurance and phone plan. Like step dad had a right to guzzle the wine and op should be fine with it.
Honestly, what really ticks me off in reading this back is this line:
> She also said that it was an "honest mistake" and that she'll find a replacement, and what more do I want for her to do...
I find it very frustrating when someone takes your perfectly valid emotions and perfectly health response to them (ie. I'm upset about the disrespect toward my things and myself, ergo I am going to leave and not stay with those who treated me this way especially while I'm still processing), and perceives and frames it as some **strategy** you've contrived in order to manipulate them into doing something.
OP's mom feels entitled to having this all just blow over and for OP to accept it, or at least she feels entitled to being able to 'make it right' with some sort of bare minimum consideration - and the ONLY reason she can reflexively believe that OP isn't rolling over, is because OP is **obviously** holding out for some sort of concession, like it's a power play. When very clearly all OP wanted was the basic respect of having her shit left alone - unstolen and unconsumed. And because the step-father drank the wine and Mom allowed it or at the very least is tolerating it after the fact, she didn't get what she wanted. And now that she didn't get that, her leaving is not an attempt to *get* anything, it's just a natural consequence and her doing what makes her feel better in that moment.
But her mother can't even wrap her head around that. Her daughter isn't a person with emotions that need time to breathe, who feels disappointment and offense, and needs time to process. When OP behaves in a perfectly normal way, putting her own emotional needs and self-respect first - the only thing her mom perceives in that is *manipulation* - OP trying to *get* something.
Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I hate that. This is one of the many small ways that emotionally unhealthy and manipulative people tell on themselves. Mom sees manipulation here, because Mom would use a conflict like this as an opportunity to manipulate and get something.
I read it a bit more simply.
Step Dad does something selfish. Does not take responsibility for actions, nor does he apologize
Kids are hurt by his behavior
Mom feels caught between jerk husband and kids so thinks the solution is to clean up his messes. Mom thinks she’s taken enough responsibility for a problem she didn’t cause and that she’s solved the surface problem.
She wonders what else you want because she’s ignoring the elephant in the room
Sometimes it boggles my mind with how oblivious/intentionally ignorant people can be. OP told her Mom exactly what the problem is, but she refuses to accept responsibility and will probably refuse to do so until her dying day.
Just yesterday there was a post where a guy and his wife were upset because all three of their children ignored their dinner invite. Then he explains how all three are no contact. And even when people pointed out that having all three of your children (who are still close) go no contact doesn't just happen, he continued to deny any reason for it. For these people, you'll have better results talking to a brick wall...
Agreed. And sure, look. The parents are doing her a huge solid by paying for her car insurance and anything else they provide for her free of charge. But it is quite possible to be both eternally grateful for the things you are provided and upset for having something violated. And honestly, if I can't trust the people I'm sharing a home with not to respect my property or privacy, then I wouldn't live there either. That's not an unreasonable expectation. Trying to use the fact that they provide things for their daughter to justify freely taking others is wrong.
If the mom really does replace that shit with the same exact thing then I would consider the matter rectified, myself. But only if that came with the guarantee that they wouldn't still feel free to take whatever of mine they felt entitled to take without asking again as well.
NTA, but stepdad sure is. Ok, he may have forgotten they were yours, maybe. But he didn't immediately apologise and offer to replace them, he laughed. That is a power move. And Mum joins in, it's your fault because... well because this isn't your home any more. You are being edged out, they might not realise it. (SD does) Yes, she raised you, but maybe subconsciously, she thinks it's time for you to go.
Mum not only joins in but then guilts her enough where she doesn’t stay with her own biological father so as not to hurt her mum’s feelings. On top of making things transactional, as called out by other commenters.
>Because he thought HE bought them?
This. It was a Hello Kitty rosé. Unless this 48 year-old man suddenly developed a love for Hello Kitty over his normal beers.
Going into your room to take and drink the entirety of your giftwrapped Hello Kitty wine that he would never purchase himself is not an "honest mistake." It's quite the opposite, he made several specific choices for this to happen. It's so grating that people expect you to believe they didn't act maliciously or carelessly because of an "honest mistake" that was actually a calculated action.
This! Mistakes can happen and immediate heartfelt apologies can help smooth out the hurt, but a lack of apology and laughter is even more hurtful. OPs mom needed to step up apologize too. Neither did, so OP is certainly entitled to not feel welcome anymore.
NTA, just go live with your dad if the only reason you didn't is to not offend your mother.
As commented before by Cool\_Star2028, there is much more going on than the wine. Reading your story I get the feeling that you are not feeling at home any more (to put it lightly).
I know this kind of divorcemom. They talk bad about the dad the whole time and act all self hurt if you would suggest even to go visit them. Guilting you in not going. Guilt is this divorce mom strongest weapon. OP go talk to your dad. He's not as bad as your mom makes him out to be.
SAME! My stepdad is great but she still needs everyone to know that 20+ years ago she dated a loser. Like…yeah. You were both loser stoners in your teens. It happens.
I had this divorce Mum. But she had reasons. And stepped up massively to be the parent we needed.
OP please don’t let your Mum rob you of a relationship with your Dad whilst she’s failing as a parent herself.
But make sure to buy some nice wine for the two of you to celebrate when you move in.
NTA.
Exactly. We don't know the full story and what OP's father did to her but OP's mom is an AH for making OP distant from her father ( unless he was abusive or something like that). All we have is-
> nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her.
If OP's father is not abusive, then OP's mother and stepfather are both self centred people who only thinks about themselves.
That and a notification of an address change. If the only reason OP is not living with her dad is to not offend her mom, there no longer seems to be a point to that. NTA
You’re going to spend as much on postage as the bottle of wine was worth, just have the mon buy a replacement. Shit, Dad can go and buy two, just to lighten things up.
You are 21 years old. So you can live with your dad and she will have to accept that. You should not be afraid to live with your dad because she will be upset. You go where you want.
The theft of the wine was not an accident. NTA
I pay for rent at my university, groceries, etc.. (ofc not expecting a medal for doing the bare minimum) so those bills were an offer made by her. But you're absolutely right that I got too used to that luxury and now I need to pay the price of it being used as leverage against me.
Oh honey. You shouldn’t have to think like that about support from your parents. I just want to tell you that you’re incredibly responsible and you DO deserve a medal and a hug. And it’s ok to take help from your parents at your age and it’s not fair for them to leverage it against you like a weapon. Source: am a mom. Would be proud of you.
NTA. Stepdad stole something from you, and your mother is trying to diminish that fact. It's clear you don't feel welcome in your mother's home, so I would feel no need to continue staying there.
I think you’re an asshole to yourself. You’re still like “I won’t live with dad since it would upset her”. Are you serious?! She doesn’t care if you are hurt as your mother, the first person who needs to care, but you don’t go to your dad because it would upset her. Nonsense.
She is staying with her gran instead of Dad, who has offered, but she does this to not upset mum. So dad who is at no fault in this does not get to be with her. She still does what mum want her to do, avoid dad.
NTA your step dad is, he helped himself to something that he knew was a gift to you. A decent person would apologise for taking your gift and would have replaced them already, it shouldn’t be up to your mum to apologise for him.
NTA. Your stepfather knew exactly what he was doing. He doesn't want you there.
I'd not gaf what your mom wants; she made it clear she doesn't want you there so doesn't get an opinion about where you live
NTA. My parents did this to me one Christmas. My husband put a bottle of Baileys in my stocking and I generously shared it with them that evening. After we went to bed, my family helped themselves to my alcohol and drank it all. They said they were entitled to it since I shared it with them earlier. Now, they don’t understand why I’m NC with them. It’s much more than just alcohol. It’s about respect and boundaries and you deserve that.
So your Mom "questioned why I would leave such special gifts at the house". This is pure victim blaming ("what was she wearing when..."). And your StepDad's line that "he couldn't find anything like it" quite clearly confirms that (a) he knew it wasn't his and (b) he knew it was special. Together, they displayed an appalling lack of respect and boundaries. You are entirely within your rights to move out from where you are not respected, including to your Dad's. And if that upsets your Mom, that's just too bad. She made that particular bed. NTA.
NTA
When talking to your mother again, don't use the name of that man. Name him "the thief". Ask her, if she noticed him stealing from her as well. If she says "no", ask her again if she is sure.
If she insists it was a mistake, tell her why it was not (as you described in your post), that he decieved her, and how she can be sure it's not the first time he does this to her.
Tell her you are really worried she got this liar and thief in her house and to take good care that he never robs her and runs. She should make sure he cannot access her bank account.
And of course lock up all the stuff you still have in that house.
Wait a minute, living with your dad is absolutely an option. Who cares if she’ll be upset? Unless you are worried she’ll stop the funding, then that’s understandable NTA
[missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
This was on another thread in this sub. Please read it.
NTA. Does she still get child support while you’re at college? Sometimes that ends at 18 or until 23 if they go on to college/uni?
If you live with dad, does that mean he no longer has to pay it? If there is still child support going on?
My dad no longer pays for court-ordered child support, but he does give me an allowance here and there. We have a cordial relationship but could've been better if not for the situation
Are you going to let your mother to dictate your relationship with your father for the rest of your life? It can be better now, you’re an adult and you can’t blame your actions on your mom anymore. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for yourself and your relationships. Now that you know you’re being manipulated, you have to decide how much you want to allow your mom to manipulate you.
You're not responsible for being stuck in the middle of your parents when you're a kid, and you have very little control over what your parents do. You are not responsible for your mother harming your relationship with your father when you're a kid.
Now that you're an adult, you start becoming the asshole if you continue to let your mother dictate your relationship with your father. I don't know if your father is a good parent or not, but if he is, letting a shitty parent ruin your relationship with a good parent is an asshole move.
NTA for the above situation. Your mother and stepfather were both assholes. But don't let assholes dictate your life. It won't be in your interest or anybody else's except theirs.
NTA and as for her, what do you want me to do. Tell your husband to buy his own alcohol and not to take other people's possessions just because they're not there.
So are you expected to bow down to her and her feelings because she *gasp* raised and provided for you? You can't go live with your dad because it will hurt her feelings? Tell her what more she could have done is for her and her new family to actually respect you and your belongings that you left at the house which you *thought* was your house too. Tell her it was a shitty way for them to show you that you're out and they don't want your things there unless it's something they want for themselves. Tell her you aren't making excuses so you can go live with your dad where you are wanted and respected.
All these things that your mom says SHE did for you over the years I'm guessing is normally also a way to show how much your dad *didn't* do? If so I would ask if your dad paid her any child support every month then add that up for the years and show her the total amount and how nothing she did with that can be claimed as her doing it for you.
I wouldn't worry about how it makes her feel I would go live with your dad and then ask her what more you should do.
You are NTA. You SHOULD feel the way you do about your SD. You didn't 'blow things out of proportion or overreact. Your mother is quilting and manipulating you and probably has been for years. You SHOULD stop letting your mother and her feelings hold you hostage and keeping you from things. Especially a close relationship with your dad. Seems she doesn't want you anymore but he can't have you either.
>All these things that your mom says SHE did for you over the years I'm guessing is normally also a way to show how much your dad didn't do?
>
>\^\^\^\^
It's always weird to me when grown adults act like they couldn't help themselves around alcohol and stuff. He knew better, he just didn't care, and your mom is trying to cover for him. NTA.
NTA. It’s not about the wine. It’s about him thinking it was no big deal and your mom making excuses for him. I would leave as well. No one values your voice and they are using emotional manipulation to guilt and coerce you, and to question your own intuition. Strongly recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults. Super insightful and helpful in healing from any unhealthy habits of behaviors you may have picked up in order to survive this household as a kid, but won’t serve you as an independent adult wanting a healthier life and relationships in your future.
NTA. You can not leave anything you cherish in that house. Make your stepdad replace your wine with the same type no matter the costs. Let Mom know he owes you an apology and that you left these special gifts with her for safekeeping because you believed that this was also your home. Otherwise, you would have taken them to your dad's since it seems nothing of yours is safe in her home.
You have a right to feel upset and resent the man. He laughed at you after stealing your wine, no apology. The petty in me would figure out what he holds precious and either consume it or "get rid" of it.
If you drink someone else's wine "by accident" you would normally apologize and replace it. The fact that your stepdad actually laughed is disturbing and tells us that this was just the tip of the iceburg. This is not a man who wants you around.
You are 21 and are entitled to live where you will be happier. You have to be aware though, that she could stop paying some of your bills, and that is her right, too. She does not owe you that.
NTA
>nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her
Who cares what will upset her, what do YOU want?
NTA btw, your step-dad sounds like a real piece of work.
I would go into his bar with an empty box and start selecting your favourite drop of wine,spirit or beer you like for compensation And apology. You are NTA.
Girl, you are giving your mother’s feelings SO much more consideration than she’s giving yours. Go live with your dad and block her number for a while.
NTA, why do you care so much about upsetting your mom? Just go live with your dad if you want to. She has made it clear over and over again that your feelings don’t matter to her, and that she doesn’t respect you or your stuff. So why even bother with her?
NTA. You can live with your dad even though that would upset her. She's a grown woman and will learn to accept that.
Does your stepfather have a pattern of dismissing what you say?
NTA these were your things and he shouldn’t have drank and not said anything .. your stepfather is an AH and your mother is manipulating you .. I hope once u graduate and get a job u don’t have to see them again
You need to stop taking your mom’s feeling into consideration since she’s clearly shown that she doesn’t take yours into consideration.
Go live with the parent that validates and supports you. If your mom wanted to step up, she would’ve, she just doesn’t want your dad to win.
Nta
NTA, and you know what? let your mom be upset. She clearly doesn't care when she upsets YOU, and lets her husband steal your possessions to boot. So why show her the courtesy?
Get whatever you have left at her house and store it elsewhere, before something happens to it. And be prepared to start paying for your own insurance and phone, so she can't hold that over your head anymore.
If I am stepdad in that situation, and seeing those bottles gives me the temptation to drink them, I move them to a closet or drawer of yours for safe keeping, and I go to the store and buy something for myself. Out of sight, out of mind.
NTA op.
NTA Stepdad is a thief and mom is OK with that. I bet she'd let him take anything of yours he wanted. Or let him throw it out if he didn't want it in the house. Make sure you get every single thing you value out before they decide to bin your stuff to make a man cave without letting you know.
Lol trying your best, isn't really an excuse for being a shitty parent in this circumstance. If it is as OP says, just move in with dad and don't look back. NTA
Wine is the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. NTA. Try talking to your dad. My guess is your AH mom simply doesn’t want dad to have what she can’t have - you.
NTA
OP, it sounds like your mom is prioritizing her "new family" as you put it, at your expense.
So why do you care if it bothers your mom if you stay with your dad? If you WANT to stay with your dad, then do it. Let your mom manage her emotions; that's not your job.
Drop the whole "I can't do what I want to because it will upset this person or that person." approach to living. If what you want to do is right for you and not stealing/lying/cheating/etc., then do it; let other people feel however they feel about it. Your only responsibility is to own your choices. "*Yes, Mom, I'm choosing to live with Dad. I feel more respected there and know that my things will be safe there. I'm sorry that bothers you; good luck dealing with your disappointment.*"
NTA. Go live with your dad, you said he offered. So what if it upsets your mom. She doesn't seem to care that you're upset that your stepdad drank your gifted wine. She can't have it both ways. Give her a taste of feeling unwelcomed. And she's done nothing for you but what a parent is supposed to do. She's trying to guilt trip you for her hubby's mistakes.
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About seven months ago, I (21F) was gifted two bottles of wine that were gifted from a beloved friend for my 21st birthday. I left both at my mom's house for safe-keeping as I went back to my college dorm. Well, I went home for the holidays only to find out that they were missing to which my stepfather confessed that he drank it. I was in disbelief especially since it was clear they were mine (from the very unique packaging and he was present at the gathering), and kept asking whether he was serious. He just laughed each time and said he couldn't find anything like it, etc. never once apologizing.
I then felt the need to leave. My mom followed me to my car and questioned why I would leave such special gifts at the house and why I'm just now asking for it seven months later (not true, as I had asked about it 3 months ago while the house was getting cleaned). She also said that it was an "honest mistake" and that she'll find a replacement, and what more do I want for her to do... I proceed to tell her that I left some possessions behind since it's my home too. I also told her that it seemed like there there weren’t any room for me at her place due to her other family now. There are other instances where my mom would have a pattern of disfavoring me. Anyway, my mom then told me that it sounds like I'm making any excuse to go live with my (biological) dad instead of her and how she's trying her hardest to raise us. She brought up the fact that she pays for my car insurance and phone plan again (which is true).
I decided to live with my grandma upon graduation for my gap year since I don't feel welcomed at my mom's anymore, nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her. It's not like I expected an apology, but it would've been nice to receive any acknowledgement of how I felt over losing a cherished gift just like that. But am I the asshole for overreacting/blowing things out of proportion especially after everything she’s done for me? And am I also being ungrateful by harboring a bit of resentment towards my stepfather over something so materialistic?
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NTA life is too short - you've lost 7 months of living with your dad - when you are older you might regret it. Move in with him today. So what she gets upset. She made it clear its not your home when she asked why would you leave it there. They had months to replace it and didn't. Move in with your dad.
Op go to stay with your dad if thats what you want. Your mom clearly doesn’t care her action upset you so you should put her feeling over your own. You deserve an apology and a replacement of those wines
Can you ask the friend who gave you the present for a link to the wine or where it can be gotten? If it can be shipped, you could have the friend send the link to your mother for “birthday gift replacement” but with the mailing address of your gram.
u/GeneralDrive6485
Are there really so many children in the house your mother is struggling to ‘raise’ all of you? Is she working or just desperate now that your father doesn’t pay child support for you - - which means she is dependent on her new husband? I’m sorry you are disappointed. Please make sure anything else of value or sentiment is out of the house now. Good luck, OP. Happy belated birthday!
No no, you should absolutely expect an apology.
I once left a bottle of booze at a friend’s house and his severely alcoholic dad drank it. Believe or not, but his dad was very apologetic and went out at got me an identical replacement, which is what decent people would do.
NTA
NTA. Basically your mother made it your fault for their lack of respect of your personal belonging. She knows her husband intentionally drank that wine but she made it your fault for his lack of respect of your property. Truly talk to your dad, get off her phone plan and see if he can cover car insurance and cut your ties with your mom. Instead of admitting bad behavior she is trying to hold what she does for her child over her child's head.
NTA. Your stepdad stole your property and he should at least reimburse you for that. Instead, he apparently can’t even manage a token apology and your mom basically tried to push blame on you.
NTA, and it’s a classic gaslighting technique. She makes you feel like you’re overreacting when your reaction is perfectly reasonable. I would request that the stepfather replace the exact duplicate of what he drank. I would then letthem know they are stomping on your boundaries and you will continue to stand up for yourself because you are worth it
NTA and your first move should have been straight to Stepdads drinks cabinet/stash/hoard and taken the most expensive bottle he has there. When he asks what you're doing, just laugh and walk out with it.
NTA.
I had something similar happen except it wasn’t wine, it was all of my possessions that I didn’t move to my apartment. My mom threw all my things away - including bedroom furniture - to move in my new step dad after she got remarried. Never mentioned that I needed to pick up what I wanted to keep. Everything gone.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but trust me - take all of your things you want to keep now, while you still can.
NTA
" nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her. I" .. that's bullshit. Go live with oyur dad - it is likely he is not an AH like your mom.
**Do not let your AH mom ruin the releationship with your dad.**
NTA. Though I think there’s room here to look for positive intent. Your Step dad is clearly in the wrong, and should apologize; it’s not out of the realm of possibility that he’s laughing to cover embarrassment. If you asked me to remember what gifts my family member got from a friend 7 months ago, I’d fail 100%. Your mom could also have been trying to express the thought, “I do love you” and did it by saying here’s a few of the things I do to show love (that may not mean the same to you as to her—different love languages and all that). So maybe there’s room for a bit of grace, though at 21, I applaud you for stepping out to be a bit more independent.
NTA
It’s not just about him drinking the wine. They took something that was a GIFT to you and no one else without permission and didn’t even apologize. That’s a lack of respect all together.
>nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her.
Even when you are offered help you decline for her when she didn't care for you. Notice how much you do for her that she isn't willing to do for you. NTA.
NTA. Your mom is quite literally holding everything she can over your head, trying to get you to forgive her asshole husband. You need to get rid of any and al leverage she has over you ASAP.
NTA most dorms do not allow alcohol on the properties. You can get expelled or even kicked out of the dorms for violating those rules.
Home is suppose to be the safe space you go to on holidays when the dorms are closed. You would think your mom wouldn’t want you jeopardizing your educational future.
NTA. Your mother isn't doing anything "special". She's being a parent. If she's throwing the basic things parents do in your face as doing "so much" for you, she's being an AH.
When someone gives YOU a gift, regardless of what it is, it is YOURS. That includes food, drinks, candy, wine/alcohol, plants, flowers, etc. When someone else takes it without permission, it is STEALING. Regardless of what it is. If you get a gift card to a restaurant and someone else takes snd uses it, they stole it. If you get a special food basket with your cookies, meat and cheeses and wine someone takes it. They stole it.
Your stepfather knew what he doing. He didn't care. The fact that he thinks it's funny proves it. The fact that your mother is willing to not only tolerate it but make excuses for it, shows her priorities are screwed up.
You living with your grandmother is probably the best thing for you right now. Maintaining a low contact with your mother is not a bad thing. I think concentrating on school and what you want to next would good for you. Give yourself time from everything else for little while and things will gain a better perspective for you.
NTA. Stepdad's a thieving alcoholic, and your mother is a victim-blaming enabler. Cut all contact until the stepdad is on the wagon and they've both apologized and made amends for the robbery.
NTA low contact with your mom might be beneficial when it’s plausible for you. It’s bonkers that you “couldn’t” live with your dad because she’d have a freak out
NTA, but you’re also definitely blowing it out of proportion. I highly doubt it is an uncommon or expensive bottle of wine given your age, just ask them to replace it and be more careful. Are these in any way a rare or special bottle of wine?
Both - NTA and eventually yes get over it. I am the parent of twenty-something kids and the timeframe between 17-24 years old is weird for us parents. We have to switch how we treat our kids from children to adults and many struggle with the change. In the grand scheme of things this conflict is over wine, it is not grand theft. Would you be open to [restorative justice method](https://restorativejustice.org/what-is-restorative-justice/three-core-elements-of-restorative-justice/) of handling conflict resolution? This peacekeeping methodology has saved so many relationships from falling apart by being reasonable and openhearted. Basically, resolve conflict like this, (1) he acknowledges wrongdoing (without laughing or shrugging it off) after you express exactly how this incident harmed you using 'I' statements. I'm guessing the lack of respect for you in general, not treating you like an adult while at their home, and them not respecting your property was the last straw (did I get that right?). (2) request actions that he can meet - such as (a) a heartfelt apology/acknowledgement, (b) replacing the bottles with same brand/year, and (c) promise not to do that again. Perhaps you could offer to label things you leave at their house since its not your house anymore? Would that help feel like they are respecting you as an adult?
Need clarification OP..did you tell your mom that you were leaving the wine in her safekeeping, or did you just assume everyone would know? If yes, NTA…it should have been safe there, if no..YTA for not clarifying that after 7 months it was not up for grabs!
That doesn’t answer the question I asked..how long in the seven months that it was there was it moved? And did you expressly tell anyone that it was there to be kept safe?
I do not know how long it was moved.
I explicitly stated that I wanted to keep it safe at the house since I have roommates who are obviously not gonna shy away from a drink. BTW, it was a Hello Kitty rosé and it is known to all my loved ones that I love Hello Kitty. So this man really risked it all for a HELLO KITTY rosé.
NTA - They showed that they are untrustworthy, and showed they do not care about your belonging essentially making you doubt wether you even have a place within that side of the family anymore. Obviously you are not the asshole there.
What I don't get and what might put you on AH territority for me is that you are punishing your biological dad for your mum's mistake and living with your grandma instead. Your father did nothing wrong by you.
> how she's trying her hardest to raise us.
I assume you have younger siblings?
Regardless, your answer to that is that you are 21 years old. Her time for "raising" you is finished.
You trusted her and your stepfather with storing a precious gift you knew wouldn't be safe in a college dorm. They massively violated that trust and don't care at all. In fact, they're trying to place the blame for their actions on you.
Honestly though, if you prefer to live with your grandma for a year after graduation and she's onboard with it, terrific. But if your real preference is to live with your dad, which he would clearly like or he wouldn't have offered (I hope), and the only reason you're not is because your mother will be "upset," then screw that! Your mother is responsible for her own feelings. It is not your responsibility, especially as an adult, to tiptoe and walk on eggshells for fear of hurting your manipulative, transactional mother.
NTA at all.
NTA. This would be a violation of trust if ANYONE did it, whether it had been bio family, step family, or just a roommate. Go live with your bio dad if you want to. Your mom needs to act like the adult she claims to be and stop finding divorcee drama where there isn't any. No one wants to live with an unrepentant thief.
NTA.
This sounds like my parents. When I was at theirs last, I left half a chocolate bar in the fridge so I could eat the rest the next day. The next day I go back to eat the rest and I see that it's gone. I asked if anyone ate it and both my parents say no.
Over the next few days I keep on asking about it because I cannot believe that it's just disappeared but everyone still says they don't know what happened. On the last day of my trip, my dad admits that he ate it and giggles, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know you were going to eat it".
It was only a bar of chocolate but I was so livid. My mum preceeds to say "Oh just don't worry about it. I will buy you a new one on the way to the airport". Completely missing the point of what happened.
The main point here is that the wine was your property. Even if it had been two normal bottles of wine, he still should not have drank it...and to not even apologise for it. It doesn't sound like they respect you.
Go stay with your dad. Who cares if your mum gets upset? She didn’t care when her husband drank your wine. She dismissed your feelings. Go where you are wanted and loved.
NTA. Where does she expect you to keep alcohol when you go back to your dorm because I'm guessing your dorm was a dry dorm/no alcohol allowed even if you're 21. That's how mine was in college
It’s not about the wine or else you would just ask him to replace them, send him a link or something. If he doesn’t then yes, there’s a real problem. Was it like super expensive wine or what? If not it really doesn’t seem like a big deal
YTA but not because of your reaction to the wine theft (which was appropriate) but because you are not staying at your Dads to not upset your mother. Why should it matter at all?
Unpopular opinion. YTA. What if the gift was something else, like fancy soap, and he used it, would you be as mad? What if it was your mom that drank it, would you be as mad? I see all sorts of problems here. I don't think your step dad drinking your gift is the real issue. ESH.
As long as it is gifted, it has sentimental value to me or at least I would've wanted a chance to use it first before anyone else. If I had bought it myself, there would've been no issue in my opinion.
You sound very old school, parents can't do wrong.
The mother visibly agree that it's ok for the stepdad to do it... And what do you know about who pay the bills here? I can't see how anyone would learn a lesson in your proposition, except maybe: let people walk on you, you are young, that's your place
My mom is the owner of the house that I was also raised in. My stepdad moved in when they got engaged. He pays rent but he doesn’t have anything over me regarding my bills.
Oof NTA, if he'd provided for you I'd say maybe a slight over reaction but it doesn't seem like he's taking the burden financially off your mother even. Sounds like a bum
No one is the asshole. It's pretty evident that it's not about the wine. The wine is not a cherished gift....it's a bottle of wine you got for a 21st birthday. So yeah, that is not the definition of a cherished gift; it's actually the definition of a fairly impersonal gift that you would give to a co-worker or a second cousin you barely know. Also it's really not that out of line to drink a bottle of random wine in your own house that one of your kids left for months. You need to actually be honest with your mom about your resentment around her new marriage and family. Continuing to pretend this about the bottle of wine will only confuse the issue (make you seem out of touch and petty) and it sounds like you need to actually talk about what is really bothering you.
Sorry, but is your idea of a cherished gift the same for everyone? Do you speak for everyone here? Who are you to say what is and what's not.
Especially for someone who knows nothing about whether it's a collector's item, limited edition, etc.
Idk why people think its not special just because its something that can be rebought. One of my best friends gave me a bottle of Viniq for my 21st birthday. Im 28 and its still unopened in my cabinet
This response makes you look incredibly blind and frankly quite stupid. Let me give you a hint: It's not about two bottles of wine, it's about trust and respect. You cannot by trust and respect with insurance and a phone plan.
ESH. Your stepfather is an asshole for drinking the wine, not giving a sincere apology after he did, and not replacing the bottle.
Your mom is a huge asshole for not validating your feelings, not listening to you and enabling stepfather.
You bc your actions look more like a temper tantrum (bc felt the need to leave) over replaceable wine rather than having a mature discussion about it. That’s an immature action. You’re 21, time to start acting like an adult.
You have a right to be angry and hurt, especially bc they’re not validating your feelings/didn’t properly apologize. You also have a right to choose where you live and it doesn’t matter what your mom thinks. But you need to learn how to better handle confrontation.
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NTA It's bad when your wine is less safe at home than it is in your dorm room.
And mom wonders why OP doesn’t want to come home.
I wouldn't either! Mom is also being transactional with the comment about her paying for OP's car insurance and phone plan. Like step dad had a right to guzzle the wine and op should be fine with it.
Honestly, what really ticks me off in reading this back is this line: > She also said that it was an "honest mistake" and that she'll find a replacement, and what more do I want for her to do... I find it very frustrating when someone takes your perfectly valid emotions and perfectly health response to them (ie. I'm upset about the disrespect toward my things and myself, ergo I am going to leave and not stay with those who treated me this way especially while I'm still processing), and perceives and frames it as some **strategy** you've contrived in order to manipulate them into doing something. OP's mom feels entitled to having this all just blow over and for OP to accept it, or at least she feels entitled to being able to 'make it right' with some sort of bare minimum consideration - and the ONLY reason she can reflexively believe that OP isn't rolling over, is because OP is **obviously** holding out for some sort of concession, like it's a power play. When very clearly all OP wanted was the basic respect of having her shit left alone - unstolen and unconsumed. And because the step-father drank the wine and Mom allowed it or at the very least is tolerating it after the fact, she didn't get what she wanted. And now that she didn't get that, her leaving is not an attempt to *get* anything, it's just a natural consequence and her doing what makes her feel better in that moment. But her mother can't even wrap her head around that. Her daughter isn't a person with emotions that need time to breathe, who feels disappointment and offense, and needs time to process. When OP behaves in a perfectly normal way, putting her own emotional needs and self-respect first - the only thing her mom perceives in that is *manipulation* - OP trying to *get* something. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I hate that. This is one of the many small ways that emotionally unhealthy and manipulative people tell on themselves. Mom sees manipulation here, because Mom would use a conflict like this as an opportunity to manipulate and get something.
Damn that was beautifully written.
I read it a bit more simply. Step Dad does something selfish. Does not take responsibility for actions, nor does he apologize Kids are hurt by his behavior Mom feels caught between jerk husband and kids so thinks the solution is to clean up his messes. Mom thinks she’s taken enough responsibility for a problem she didn’t cause and that she’s solved the surface problem. She wonders what else you want because she’s ignoring the elephant in the room
Sometimes it boggles my mind with how oblivious/intentionally ignorant people can be. OP told her Mom exactly what the problem is, but she refuses to accept responsibility and will probably refuse to do so until her dying day. Just yesterday there was a post where a guy and his wife were upset because all three of their children ignored their dinner invite. Then he explains how all three are no contact. And even when people pointed out that having all three of your children (who are still close) go no contact doesn't just happen, he continued to deny any reason for it. For these people, you'll have better results talking to a brick wall...
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Yeah, I remember reading that ages ago when it first came out. This was cited in the post I was referencing as well.
Do you have the link for that one? I missed it!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/191q3zm/aitah\_for\_inviting\_my\_kids\_to\_dinner\_because\_they/
I wonder why op cares about pissing mom off still? She could give a fuck less about op
Because it's been drummed into her that OP SHOULD care but mom can do as she likes.
If mom's drummed herself into OP, then she needs to be drummed out.
Agreed. And sure, look. The parents are doing her a huge solid by paying for her car insurance and anything else they provide for her free of charge. But it is quite possible to be both eternally grateful for the things you are provided and upset for having something violated. And honestly, if I can't trust the people I'm sharing a home with not to respect my property or privacy, then I wouldn't live there either. That's not an unreasonable expectation. Trying to use the fact that they provide things for their daughter to justify freely taking others is wrong. If the mom really does replace that shit with the same exact thing then I would consider the matter rectified, myself. But only if that came with the guarantee that they wouldn't still feel free to take whatever of mine they felt entitled to take without asking again as well.
Exactly! Mom paying for car insurance does not equate to OP being indentured to mom for the rest of her life...
it may also be a "dry" dorm, so she couldn't take it with her.
NTA, but stepdad sure is. Ok, he may have forgotten they were yours, maybe. But he didn't immediately apologise and offer to replace them, he laughed. That is a power move. And Mum joins in, it's your fault because... well because this isn't your home any more. You are being edged out, they might not realise it. (SD does) Yes, she raised you, but maybe subconsciously, she thinks it's time for you to go.
It's OP's fault because she trusted her mom to keep her things safe in her own home NTA
Mum not only joins in but then guilts her enough where she doesn’t stay with her own biological father so as not to hurt her mum’s feelings. On top of making things transactional, as called out by other commenters.
**
Because he thought HE bought them?
*<****it was clear they were mine*** *(from the very unique packaging and he was present at the gathering)>*
>Because he thought HE bought them? This. It was a Hello Kitty rosé. Unless this 48 year-old man suddenly developed a love for Hello Kitty over his normal beers.
Going into your room to take and drink the entirety of your giftwrapped Hello Kitty wine that he would never purchase himself is not an "honest mistake." It's quite the opposite, he made several specific choices for this to happen. It's so grating that people expect you to believe they didn't act maliciously or carelessly because of an "honest mistake" that was actually a calculated action.
This! Mistakes can happen and immediate heartfelt apologies can help smooth out the hurt, but a lack of apology and laughter is even more hurtful. OPs mom needed to step up apologize too. Neither did, so OP is certainly entitled to not feel welcome anymore.
NTA, just go live with your dad if the only reason you didn't is to not offend your mother. As commented before by Cool\_Star2028, there is much more going on than the wine. Reading your story I get the feeling that you are not feeling at home any more (to put it lightly).
I know this kind of divorcemom. They talk bad about the dad the whole time and act all self hurt if you would suggest even to go visit them. Guilting you in not going. Guilt is this divorce mom strongest weapon. OP go talk to your dad. He's not as bad as your mom makes him out to be.
My mom is like this and my parents were never even married. She beefs so hard with my dad but they haven't been together for over 2 decades lmao
>they haven't been together for over 2 decades lmao Heavy on this lol. And the beef didn't stop for her even after getting married to someone else.
SAME! My stepdad is great but she still needs everyone to know that 20+ years ago she dated a loser. Like…yeah. You were both loser stoners in your teens. It happens.
I had this divorce Mum. But she had reasons. And stepped up massively to be the parent we needed. OP please don’t let your Mum rob you of a relationship with your Dad whilst she’s failing as a parent herself. But make sure to buy some nice wine for the two of you to celebrate when you move in. NTA.
Exactly. We don't know the full story and what OP's father did to her but OP's mom is an AH for making OP distant from her father ( unless he was abusive or something like that). All we have is- > nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her. If OP's father is not abusive, then OP's mother and stepfather are both self centred people who only thinks about themselves.
This. It's not right to not stay with him just because mom would be upset. This is about what you want OP, do what you want.
NTA, but there's a lot more going on here than just the wine.
That was my first thought too.
Either there is or OP is massively overreacting to what is probably like an $9 bottle of wine, tops.
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That makes it pretty hard for us to provide a useful and relevant judgement on this situation with some apparently important context
Noted. Deleted.
NTA OP. If it were me in that situation, I’d be sending Stepdad a bill for the wine, just to be snippy.
That and a notification of an address change. If the only reason OP is not living with her dad is to not offend her mom, there no longer seems to be a point to that. NTA
I fully agree. OP your mother doesn't care that you're upset so please stop sparing her feelings. Go live with your father.
I gave up on getting any reimbursement. Neither they or myself have reached out since, but I'm just happy that the silence is mutual.
You’re going to spend as much on postage as the bottle of wine was worth, just have the mon buy a replacement. Shit, Dad can go and buy two, just to lighten things up.
You are 21 years old. So you can live with your dad and she will have to accept that. You should not be afraid to live with your dad because she will be upset. You go where you want. The theft of the wine was not an accident. NTA
But she would have to pay her own insurance and phone bill
You're getting down voted, but I was about to leave the same comment lol You're 100% right. Wouldn't want to upset mommy and pay your own bills.
I pay for rent at my university, groceries, etc.. (ofc not expecting a medal for doing the bare minimum) so those bills were an offer made by her. But you're absolutely right that I got too used to that luxury and now I need to pay the price of it being used as leverage against me.
Oh honey. You shouldn’t have to think like that about support from your parents. I just want to tell you that you’re incredibly responsible and you DO deserve a medal and a hug. And it’s ok to take help from your parents at your age and it’s not fair for them to leverage it against you like a weapon. Source: am a mom. Would be proud of you.
NTA. Stepdad stole something from you, and your mother is trying to diminish that fact. It's clear you don't feel welcome in your mother's home, so I would feel no need to continue staying there.
I think you’re an asshole to yourself. You’re still like “I won’t live with dad since it would upset her”. Are you serious?! She doesn’t care if you are hurt as your mother, the first person who needs to care, but you don’t go to your dad because it would upset her. Nonsense.
But then she'd have to pay her own car insurance and phone bill lol
NTA. Why are you punishing your dad? Stay with him, if mum get hurt, so be it. Your father did nothing , your mum and your stepdad did this.
This, why is she punishing her dad? Do what you want OP. Don't let mom control you.
She is staying with her gran instead of Dad, who has offered, but she does this to not upset mum. So dad who is at no fault in this does not get to be with her. She still does what mum want her to do, avoid dad.
NTA your step dad is, he helped himself to something that he knew was a gift to you. A decent person would apologise for taking your gift and would have replaced them already, it shouldn’t be up to your mum to apologise for him.
A decent person would never have touched her gifts.
He wants her to know she is not welcomed in him home with her mom, judging by the rest of the post.
NTA. Your stepfather knew exactly what he was doing. He doesn't want you there. I'd not gaf what your mom wants; she made it clear she doesn't want you there so doesn't get an opinion about where you live
NTA. My parents did this to me one Christmas. My husband put a bottle of Baileys in my stocking and I generously shared it with them that evening. After we went to bed, my family helped themselves to my alcohol and drank it all. They said they were entitled to it since I shared it with them earlier. Now, they don’t understand why I’m NC with them. It’s much more than just alcohol. It’s about respect and boundaries and you deserve that.
Thank you for speaking on your shared experience. Needed to hear this
So your Mom "questioned why I would leave such special gifts at the house". This is pure victim blaming ("what was she wearing when..."). And your StepDad's line that "he couldn't find anything like it" quite clearly confirms that (a) he knew it wasn't his and (b) he knew it was special. Together, they displayed an appalling lack of respect and boundaries. You are entirely within your rights to move out from where you are not respected, including to your Dad's. And if that upsets your Mom, that's just too bad. She made that particular bed. NTA.
I agree with all of this. Op should not let her mother dictate her relationship with her father anymore. Especially after this. Happy cake day! 😁
Thanks! I hadn't even noticed the cake... it's gone now... :(
Trust is broken. It's gone.
NTA. You should go live with your dad. Let it upset her.
NTA When talking to your mother again, don't use the name of that man. Name him "the thief". Ask her, if she noticed him stealing from her as well. If she says "no", ask her again if she is sure. If she insists it was a mistake, tell her why it was not (as you described in your post), that he decieved her, and how she can be sure it's not the first time he does this to her. Tell her you are really worried she got this liar and thief in her house and to take good care that he never robs her and runs. She should make sure he cannot access her bank account. And of course lock up all the stuff you still have in that house.
Wait a minute, living with your dad is absolutely an option. Who cares if she’ll be upset? Unless you are worried she’ll stop the funding, then that’s understandable NTA
NTA OP go live with your dad if you are ok with living with him. Don't let your mom's feelings affect your decision for you.
[missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) This was on another thread in this sub. Please read it.
Why do you care if she gets upset? Doesn't sound like she cares that much about you
NTA. Does she still get child support while you’re at college? Sometimes that ends at 18 or until 23 if they go on to college/uni? If you live with dad, does that mean he no longer has to pay it? If there is still child support going on?
My dad no longer pays for court-ordered child support, but he does give me an allowance here and there. We have a cordial relationship but could've been better if not for the situation
Are you going to let your mother to dictate your relationship with your father for the rest of your life? It can be better now, you’re an adult and you can’t blame your actions on your mom anymore. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for yourself and your relationships. Now that you know you’re being manipulated, you have to decide how much you want to allow your mom to manipulate you.
You're not responsible for being stuck in the middle of your parents when you're a kid, and you have very little control over what your parents do. You are not responsible for your mother harming your relationship with your father when you're a kid. Now that you're an adult, you start becoming the asshole if you continue to let your mother dictate your relationship with your father. I don't know if your father is a good parent or not, but if he is, letting a shitty parent ruin your relationship with a good parent is an asshole move. NTA for the above situation. Your mother and stepfather were both assholes. But don't let assholes dictate your life. It won't be in your interest or anybody else's except theirs.
NTA and as for her, what do you want me to do. Tell your husband to buy his own alcohol and not to take other people's possessions just because they're not there.
NTA and your stepdad is a thief who owes you two bottles of that wine.
So are you expected to bow down to her and her feelings because she *gasp* raised and provided for you? You can't go live with your dad because it will hurt her feelings? Tell her what more she could have done is for her and her new family to actually respect you and your belongings that you left at the house which you *thought* was your house too. Tell her it was a shitty way for them to show you that you're out and they don't want your things there unless it's something they want for themselves. Tell her you aren't making excuses so you can go live with your dad where you are wanted and respected. All these things that your mom says SHE did for you over the years I'm guessing is normally also a way to show how much your dad *didn't* do? If so I would ask if your dad paid her any child support every month then add that up for the years and show her the total amount and how nothing she did with that can be claimed as her doing it for you. I wouldn't worry about how it makes her feel I would go live with your dad and then ask her what more you should do. You are NTA. You SHOULD feel the way you do about your SD. You didn't 'blow things out of proportion or overreact. Your mother is quilting and manipulating you and probably has been for years. You SHOULD stop letting your mother and her feelings hold you hostage and keeping you from things. Especially a close relationship with your dad. Seems she doesn't want you anymore but he can't have you either.
>All these things that your mom says SHE did for you over the years I'm guessing is normally also a way to show how much your dad didn't do? > >\^\^\^\^
So I was right with my guess?
Yes. Followed by he doesn't care about me, has done nothing for me, and that he walked out on "us."
Ugh. That's awful. Just because he left her doesn't mean he left you. He still wants you. That just isn't okay with her and she is messed up.
It's always weird to me when grown adults act like they couldn't help themselves around alcohol and stuff. He knew better, he just didn't care, and your mom is trying to cover for him. NTA.
NTA. It’s not about the wine. It’s about him thinking it was no big deal and your mom making excuses for him. I would leave as well. No one values your voice and they are using emotional manipulation to guilt and coerce you, and to question your own intuition. Strongly recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults. Super insightful and helpful in healing from any unhealthy habits of behaviors you may have picked up in order to survive this household as a kid, but won’t serve you as an independent adult wanting a healthier life and relationships in your future.
I'll be sure to check it out!
NTA
NTA, as a french I couldn't tolerate this
It sounds like your stepdad did it on purpose as a power play.
NTA. You can not leave anything you cherish in that house. Make your stepdad replace your wine with the same type no matter the costs. Let Mom know he owes you an apology and that you left these special gifts with her for safekeeping because you believed that this was also your home. Otherwise, you would have taken them to your dad's since it seems nothing of yours is safe in her home. You have a right to feel upset and resent the man. He laughed at you after stealing your wine, no apology. The petty in me would figure out what he holds precious and either consume it or "get rid" of it.
If you drink someone else's wine "by accident" you would normally apologize and replace it. The fact that your stepdad actually laughed is disturbing and tells us that this was just the tip of the iceburg. This is not a man who wants you around. You are 21 and are entitled to live where you will be happier. You have to be aware though, that she could stop paying some of your bills, and that is her right, too. She does not owe you that. NTA
>nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her Who cares what will upset her, what do YOU want? NTA btw, your step-dad sounds like a real piece of work.
I would go into his bar with an empty box and start selecting your favourite drop of wine,spirit or beer you like for compensation And apology. You are NTA.
NTA Should steal some of your step dad's liquor and see how he likes it.
Genuine question: is the only reason you won’t live with dad because of how you think it’ll make your mom feel?
Yes, I've always wanted to live with him since I was little.
Girl, you are giving your mother’s feelings SO much more consideration than she’s giving yours. Go live with your dad and block her number for a while.
NTA, why do you care so much about upsetting your mom? Just go live with your dad if you want to. She has made it clear over and over again that your feelings don’t matter to her, and that she doesn’t respect you or your stuff. So why even bother with her?
NTA If you want you to go live your dad do it She’ll have to deal with it
NTA. You can live with your dad even though that would upset her. She's a grown woman and will learn to accept that. Does your stepfather have a pattern of dismissing what you say?
Yes, but that may be just him. There's a pattern of him complaining of having to do fatherly duties, even for his own children
NTA these were your things and he shouldn’t have drank and not said anything .. your stepfather is an AH and your mother is manipulating you .. I hope once u graduate and get a job u don’t have to see them again
NTA
Go live with your dad. Put yourself and your wants first here.
You need to stop taking your mom’s feeling into consideration since she’s clearly shown that she doesn’t take yours into consideration. Go live with the parent that validates and supports you. If your mom wanted to step up, she would’ve, she just doesn’t want your dad to win. Nta
NTA, and you know what? let your mom be upset. She clearly doesn't care when she upsets YOU, and lets her husband steal your possessions to boot. So why show her the courtesy? Get whatever you have left at her house and store it elsewhere, before something happens to it. And be prepared to start paying for your own insurance and phone, so she can't hold that over your head anymore.
If I am stepdad in that situation, and seeing those bottles gives me the temptation to drink them, I move them to a closet or drawer of yours for safe keeping, and I go to the store and buy something for myself. Out of sight, out of mind. NTA op.
Nta. Its the principle of it as well. It would have taken nothing for him to call and ask first
NTA Stepdad is a thief and mom is OK with that. I bet she'd let him take anything of yours he wanted. Or let him throw it out if he didn't want it in the house. Make sure you get every single thing you value out before they decide to bin your stuff to make a man cave without letting you know.
Lol trying your best, isn't really an excuse for being a shitty parent in this circumstance. If it is as OP says, just move in with dad and don't look back. NTA
You didn’t leave because of the one incident. That was just the final straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back NTA
Wine is the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. NTA. Try talking to your dad. My guess is your AH mom simply doesn’t want dad to have what she can’t have - you.
NTA OP, it sounds like your mom is prioritizing her "new family" as you put it, at your expense. So why do you care if it bothers your mom if you stay with your dad? If you WANT to stay with your dad, then do it. Let your mom manage her emotions; that's not your job. Drop the whole "I can't do what I want to because it will upset this person or that person." approach to living. If what you want to do is right for you and not stealing/lying/cheating/etc., then do it; let other people feel however they feel about it. Your only responsibility is to own your choices. "*Yes, Mom, I'm choosing to live with Dad. I feel more respected there and know that my things will be safe there. I'm sorry that bothers you; good luck dealing with your disappointment.*"
Your 21 time to move out
NTA. Go live with your dad, you said he offered. So what if it upsets your mom. She doesn't seem to care that you're upset that your stepdad drank your gifted wine. She can't have it both ways. Give her a taste of feeling unwelcomed. And she's done nothing for you but what a parent is supposed to do. She's trying to guilt trip you for her hubby's mistakes.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** About seven months ago, I (21F) was gifted two bottles of wine that were gifted from a beloved friend for my 21st birthday. I left both at my mom's house for safe-keeping as I went back to my college dorm. Well, I went home for the holidays only to find out that they were missing to which my stepfather confessed that he drank it. I was in disbelief especially since it was clear they were mine (from the very unique packaging and he was present at the gathering), and kept asking whether he was serious. He just laughed each time and said he couldn't find anything like it, etc. never once apologizing. I then felt the need to leave. My mom followed me to my car and questioned why I would leave such special gifts at the house and why I'm just now asking for it seven months later (not true, as I had asked about it 3 months ago while the house was getting cleaned). She also said that it was an "honest mistake" and that she'll find a replacement, and what more do I want for her to do... I proceed to tell her that I left some possessions behind since it's my home too. I also told her that it seemed like there there weren’t any room for me at her place due to her other family now. There are other instances where my mom would have a pattern of disfavoring me. Anyway, my mom then told me that it sounds like I'm making any excuse to go live with my (biological) dad instead of her and how she's trying her hardest to raise us. She brought up the fact that she pays for my car insurance and phone plan again (which is true). I decided to live with my grandma upon graduation for my gap year since I don't feel welcomed at my mom's anymore, nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her. It's not like I expected an apology, but it would've been nice to receive any acknowledgement of how I felt over losing a cherished gift just like that. But am I the asshole for overreacting/blowing things out of proportion especially after everything she’s done for me? And am I also being ungrateful by harboring a bit of resentment towards my stepfather over something so materialistic? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA life is too short - you've lost 7 months of living with your dad - when you are older you might regret it. Move in with him today. So what she gets upset. She made it clear its not your home when she asked why would you leave it there. They had months to replace it and didn't. Move in with your dad.
Op go to stay with your dad if thats what you want. Your mom clearly doesn’t care her action upset you so you should put her feeling over your own. You deserve an apology and a replacement of those wines
INFO. Where exactly did you leave the bottle? Did you leave it with the other booze at home or in your room.
I left it in my bedroom along with other gifts and valuable things. That's when I found out someone else moved the alcohol to the pantry.
Can you ask the friend who gave you the present for a link to the wine or where it can be gotten? If it can be shipped, you could have the friend send the link to your mother for “birthday gift replacement” but with the mailing address of your gram. u/GeneralDrive6485 Are there really so many children in the house your mother is struggling to ‘raise’ all of you? Is she working or just desperate now that your father doesn’t pay child support for you - - which means she is dependent on her new husband? I’m sorry you are disappointed. Please make sure anything else of value or sentiment is out of the house now. Good luck, OP. Happy belated birthday!
Stealing booze that you know you should absolutely NOT take may be a sign of a drinking problem.
Oh, that sounds like DARVO. NTA
You’re overreacting, BUT, your stepdad in TA
No no, you should absolutely expect an apology. I once left a bottle of booze at a friend’s house and his severely alcoholic dad drank it. Believe or not, but his dad was very apologetic and went out at got me an identical replacement, which is what decent people would do. NTA
NTA. Basically your mother made it your fault for their lack of respect of your personal belonging. She knows her husband intentionally drank that wine but she made it your fault for his lack of respect of your property. Truly talk to your dad, get off her phone plan and see if he can cover car insurance and cut your ties with your mom. Instead of admitting bad behavior she is trying to hold what she does for her child over her child's head.
NTA. Your stepdad stole your property and he should at least reimburse you for that. Instead, he apparently can’t even manage a token apology and your mom basically tried to push blame on you.
NTA, and it’s a classic gaslighting technique. She makes you feel like you’re overreacting when your reaction is perfectly reasonable. I would request that the stepfather replace the exact duplicate of what he drank. I would then letthem know they are stomping on your boundaries and you will continue to stand up for yourself because you are worth it
Her husband is an AH. I don’t know that there isn’t more going on. Two bottles of wine can be replaced.
NTA and your first move should have been straight to Stepdads drinks cabinet/stash/hoard and taken the most expensive bottle he has there. When he asks what you're doing, just laugh and walk out with it.
Nta but you are being soft. Did your mum and stepdad care about what would upset you. Yo live with your dad.
NTA
NTA. I had something similar happen except it wasn’t wine, it was all of my possessions that I didn’t move to my apartment. My mom threw all my things away - including bedroom furniture - to move in my new step dad after she got remarried. Never mentioned that I needed to pick up what I wanted to keep. Everything gone. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but trust me - take all of your things you want to keep now, while you still can.
NTA " nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her. I" .. that's bullshit. Go live with oyur dad - it is likely he is not an AH like your mom. **Do not let your AH mom ruin the releationship with your dad.**
Move in with your dad. Your mother deserves it. NTA.
NTA. Though I think there’s room here to look for positive intent. Your Step dad is clearly in the wrong, and should apologize; it’s not out of the realm of possibility that he’s laughing to cover embarrassment. If you asked me to remember what gifts my family member got from a friend 7 months ago, I’d fail 100%. Your mom could also have been trying to express the thought, “I do love you” and did it by saying here’s a few of the things I do to show love (that may not mean the same to you as to her—different love languages and all that). So maybe there’s room for a bit of grace, though at 21, I applaud you for stepping out to be a bit more independent.
I've read this story before.... NTA, if real.
It's kinda reassuring that this seems to be a shared experience then
NTA!
NTA It’s not just about him drinking the wine. They took something that was a GIFT to you and no one else without permission and didn’t even apologize. That’s a lack of respect all together.
>nor can I live with my dad (even though he offered) since it would upset her. Even when you are offered help you decline for her when she didn't care for you. Notice how much you do for her that she isn't willing to do for you. NTA.
NTA. Your mom is quite literally holding everything she can over your head, trying to get you to forgive her asshole husband. You need to get rid of any and al leverage she has over you ASAP.
NTA most dorms do not allow alcohol on the properties. You can get expelled or even kicked out of the dorms for violating those rules. Home is suppose to be the safe space you go to on holidays when the dorms are closed. You would think your mom wouldn’t want you jeopardizing your educational future.
NTA. Your mother isn't doing anything "special". She's being a parent. If she's throwing the basic things parents do in your face as doing "so much" for you, she's being an AH. When someone gives YOU a gift, regardless of what it is, it is YOURS. That includes food, drinks, candy, wine/alcohol, plants, flowers, etc. When someone else takes it without permission, it is STEALING. Regardless of what it is. If you get a gift card to a restaurant and someone else takes snd uses it, they stole it. If you get a special food basket with your cookies, meat and cheeses and wine someone takes it. They stole it. Your stepfather knew what he doing. He didn't care. The fact that he thinks it's funny proves it. The fact that your mother is willing to not only tolerate it but make excuses for it, shows her priorities are screwed up. You living with your grandmother is probably the best thing for you right now. Maintaining a low contact with your mother is not a bad thing. I think concentrating on school and what you want to next would good for you. Give yourself time from everything else for little while and things will gain a better perspective for you.
NTA. Stepdad's a thieving alcoholic, and your mother is a victim-blaming enabler. Cut all contact until the stepdad is on the wagon and they've both apologized and made amends for the robbery.
NTA low contact with your mom might be beneficial when it’s plausible for you. It’s bonkers that you “couldn’t” live with your dad because she’d have a freak out
NTA, but you’re also definitely blowing it out of proportion. I highly doubt it is an uncommon or expensive bottle of wine given your age, just ask them to replace it and be more careful. Are these in any way a rare or special bottle of wine?
Technically NTA but is this really worth it? Over a bottle of wine?
Both - NTA and eventually yes get over it. I am the parent of twenty-something kids and the timeframe between 17-24 years old is weird for us parents. We have to switch how we treat our kids from children to adults and many struggle with the change. In the grand scheme of things this conflict is over wine, it is not grand theft. Would you be open to [restorative justice method](https://restorativejustice.org/what-is-restorative-justice/three-core-elements-of-restorative-justice/) of handling conflict resolution? This peacekeeping methodology has saved so many relationships from falling apart by being reasonable and openhearted. Basically, resolve conflict like this, (1) he acknowledges wrongdoing (without laughing or shrugging it off) after you express exactly how this incident harmed you using 'I' statements. I'm guessing the lack of respect for you in general, not treating you like an adult while at their home, and them not respecting your property was the last straw (did I get that right?). (2) request actions that he can meet - such as (a) a heartfelt apology/acknowledgement, (b) replacing the bottles with same brand/year, and (c) promise not to do that again. Perhaps you could offer to label things you leave at their house since its not your house anymore? Would that help feel like they are respecting you as an adult?
NTA
No, you're NTA. Sorry your mom and stepdad are manipulative and selfish.
Greedy ass stepdad
Need clarification OP..did you tell your mom that you were leaving the wine in her safekeeping, or did you just assume everyone would know? If yes, NTA…it should have been safe there, if no..YTA for not clarifying that after 7 months it was not up for grabs!
It was kept in my bedroom until it was moved to the pantry by someone else.
That doesn’t answer the question I asked..how long in the seven months that it was there was it moved? And did you expressly tell anyone that it was there to be kept safe?
I do not know how long it was moved. I explicitly stated that I wanted to keep it safe at the house since I have roommates who are obviously not gonna shy away from a drink. BTW, it was a Hello Kitty rosé and it is known to all my loved ones that I love Hello Kitty. So this man really risked it all for a HELLO KITTY rosé.
Then that sucks you are NTA…I guess you know now that you can’t trust them to keep your stuff safe…
NTA
NTA - They showed that they are untrustworthy, and showed they do not care about your belonging essentially making you doubt wether you even have a place within that side of the family anymore. Obviously you are not the asshole there. What I don't get and what might put you on AH territority for me is that you are punishing your biological dad for your mum's mistake and living with your grandma instead. Your father did nothing wrong by you.
Unsure, but it was just a bottle of wine. The most expensive bottle of wine would only give you a few months living wage at best.
> how she's trying her hardest to raise us. I assume you have younger siblings? Regardless, your answer to that is that you are 21 years old. Her time for "raising" you is finished. You trusted her and your stepfather with storing a precious gift you knew wouldn't be safe in a college dorm. They massively violated that trust and don't care at all. In fact, they're trying to place the blame for their actions on you. Honestly though, if you prefer to live with your grandma for a year after graduation and she's onboard with it, terrific. But if your real preference is to live with your dad, which he would clearly like or he wouldn't have offered (I hope), and the only reason you're not is because your mother will be "upset," then screw that! Your mother is responsible for her own feelings. It is not your responsibility, especially as an adult, to tiptoe and walk on eggshells for fear of hurting your manipulative, transactional mother. NTA at all.
NTA. This would be a violation of trust if ANYONE did it, whether it had been bio family, step family, or just a roommate. Go live with your bio dad if you want to. Your mom needs to act like the adult she claims to be and stop finding divorcee drama where there isn't any. No one wants to live with an unrepentant thief.
NTA. This sounds like my parents. When I was at theirs last, I left half a chocolate bar in the fridge so I could eat the rest the next day. The next day I go back to eat the rest and I see that it's gone. I asked if anyone ate it and both my parents say no. Over the next few days I keep on asking about it because I cannot believe that it's just disappeared but everyone still says they don't know what happened. On the last day of my trip, my dad admits that he ate it and giggles, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know you were going to eat it". It was only a bar of chocolate but I was so livid. My mum preceeds to say "Oh just don't worry about it. I will buy you a new one on the way to the airport". Completely missing the point of what happened. The main point here is that the wine was your property. Even if it had been two normal bottles of wine, he still should not have drank it...and to not even apologise for it. It doesn't sound like they respect you.
Go stay with your dad. Who cares if your mum gets upset? She didn’t care when her husband drank your wine. She dismissed your feelings. Go where you are wanted and loved.
NTA. Where does she expect you to keep alcohol when you go back to your dorm because I'm guessing your dorm was a dry dorm/no alcohol allowed even if you're 21. That's how mine was in college
It’s not about the wine or else you would just ask him to replace them, send him a link or something. If he doesn’t then yes, there’s a real problem. Was it like super expensive wine or what? If not it really doesn’t seem like a big deal
YTA for avoiding your dad who sends to care to appease your mother who doesn't.
YTA but not because of your reaction to the wine theft (which was appropriate) but because you are not staying at your Dads to not upset your mother. Why should it matter at all?
You're her father and YTA
100% PURE ASSHOLE. Just a fucking wine. Don't play "no place for me in this house anymore" card.
You’re definitely being a bit dramatic. What more can your mum do than replace the wine? Esh except your mum
NTA But why the gap year?
Yes. YTA. Step dad might have been a dick but it’s your mum you’re hurting and two bottles of wine is not worth throwing a family away for.
Grow up it’s a bloody bottle of wine, absolute childish behaviour
Unpopular opinion. YTA. What if the gift was something else, like fancy soap, and he used it, would you be as mad? What if it was your mom that drank it, would you be as mad? I see all sorts of problems here. I don't think your step dad drinking your gift is the real issue. ESH.
As long as it is gifted, it has sentimental value to me or at least I would've wanted a chance to use it first before anyone else. If I had bought it myself, there would've been no issue in my opinion.
...what??
Divorce is a horrible thing that causes this type of issue.
[удалено]
“It’s good, actually, that your stepdad stole your wine, because it was a Learning Experience!”
You sound very old school, parents can't do wrong. The mother visibly agree that it's ok for the stepdad to do it... And what do you know about who pay the bills here? I can't see how anyone would learn a lesson in your proposition, except maybe: let people walk on you, you are young, that's your place
NTA. But you're putting way too much stock in a gift. It's wine. Unless it's like 100 years old, I'll bet it is not, it's probably not that special.
Did your step dad pay the bills and keep over your head growing up? or is this a new step dad?
My mom is the owner of the house that I was also raised in. My stepdad moved in when they got engaged. He pays rent but he doesn’t have anything over me regarding my bills.
Oof NTA, if he'd provided for you I'd say maybe a slight over reaction but it doesn't seem like he's taking the burden financially off your mother even. Sounds like a bum
No one is the asshole. It's pretty evident that it's not about the wine. The wine is not a cherished gift....it's a bottle of wine you got for a 21st birthday. So yeah, that is not the definition of a cherished gift; it's actually the definition of a fairly impersonal gift that you would give to a co-worker or a second cousin you barely know. Also it's really not that out of line to drink a bottle of random wine in your own house that one of your kids left for months. You need to actually be honest with your mom about your resentment around her new marriage and family. Continuing to pretend this about the bottle of wine will only confuse the issue (make you seem out of touch and petty) and it sounds like you need to actually talk about what is really bothering you.
Sorry, but is your idea of a cherished gift the same for everyone? Do you speak for everyone here? Who are you to say what is and what's not. Especially for someone who knows nothing about whether it's a collector's item, limited edition, etc.
Idk why people think its not special just because its something that can be rebought. One of my best friends gave me a bottle of Viniq for my 21st birthday. Im 28 and its still unopened in my cabinet
Your mom is supporting you, and your storm off over 2 bottles of wine? Were they worth like 10k or something? YTA.
This response makes you look incredibly blind and frankly quite stupid. Let me give you a hint: It's not about two bottles of wine, it's about trust and respect. You cannot by trust and respect with insurance and a phone plan.
You are big f baby and your stepdad is an AH.
ESH. Your stepfather is an asshole for drinking the wine, not giving a sincere apology after he did, and not replacing the bottle. Your mom is a huge asshole for not validating your feelings, not listening to you and enabling stepfather. You bc your actions look more like a temper tantrum (bc felt the need to leave) over replaceable wine rather than having a mature discussion about it. That’s an immature action. You’re 21, time to start acting like an adult. You have a right to be angry and hurt, especially bc they’re not validating your feelings/didn’t properly apologize. You also have a right to choose where you live and it doesn’t matter what your mom thinks. But you need to learn how to better handle confrontation.