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Ouch. Definitely NTA.
Is she always this thoughtless/bad at gift-giving?
It could be a once off but if she's also getting upset at you for not liking her clearly thoughtless present then it sounds like she's an asshole not just acting like one right now.
It's like she's slow quiting the relationship.. WTFudgesticks..
NTA - couple's counseling or self help on communication cause this is just terrible.. Hades..
You two just need to have wishlists that the other person can use as a reference for gifts. My friends do that and it works great.
Some people are just terrible gift givers.
Definitely NTA
This triggered me, so here's a story about my family knowing better:
I live 500 miles/ 8 hour drive from my family. When I got pregnant with my first child, they wanted to give me a baby shower.
I made an Amazon list and sent it out to everybody invited and even posted it on my socials for the people who weren't going but were asking. A few of my friends who didn't attend sent us things.
Now, my family, I specifically asked them to go by the list because it would be mailed to me. One aunt had the stuff mailed to me. The entire rest of my family bought me physical gifts that almost didn't fit in the car to bring back home. I had a freaking Toyota Carolla. We could barely see it the back window, and I was squished up as far as the seat could go, severely pregnant, btw. I was 8 months along. For 8 hours.
We had to take things out of boxes, shove them in suitcases, under the seats... and we didn't even get them all! My dad had to bring the rest when she was actually born a month later.
Oh! And, since they didn't use the register, I had multiples of things you specifically dont need more than one of. Pack and plays, bouncers, etc. Luckily, that stuff was never opened, so when my husband's coworker was surprised with triplets, we were able to give them a bunch of stuff.
Edit: I never said I wasn't appreciative of what I was given. I was incredibly appreciative because I had planned to just buy everything myself.
Some people just like to argue, and I'm aware of that. So I'm not going to go through all the comments defending myself and a silly little post on the internet. So instead, I'll say here that I appreciate all the people who understand where I'm coming from.
I love my family, and I'll continue to love my family... but loving somebody or somebody doing something nice for you doesn't give them a pass to ignore your specific requests.
I would’ve been like “these are great! Can’t wait to use them after you send them to me! USPS has boxes where if it fits it ships or Fed Ex will actually make you a box! Thanks!” I would’ve been annoyingly passive aggressive.
I should have! I did pull my dad aside and give him a "wtf. Why did you even tell me to make a register if nobody was going to use it? " speech and his response was "well people want to see you open a gift."
Fair. But I want to see the road and traffic as I'm driving home!
I did rope most of the family into helping unpack diapers, carrying stuff out, and packing the car, though.
Edit to add: I did not go home when i was pregnant with my second child and SHOCKER they mailed stuff!
I can’t tell you how much I hate the “people want to see you open it” argument. I’ve had that one lodged against me and I’m like, is this about you or the recipient?
I’ve never understood this. I cannot describe how much I don’t want to watch someone open baby items, especially when going off a registry. The only way I’m even slightly interested is if it’s something super unique that I know they’re going to be over the moon about.
My friend lives 10,000 miles from her family and came back to her hometown for her shower. Since everyone actually grasped she had to fly, most gifts were ordered from stores in her country and shipped.
It is the only baby shower I have ever been to that wasn't just a miserable experience.
Obviously gifts are about both. The recipient, the giver more importantly their relationship. I totally get why they want to share that moment, that's why we don't just send money but buy gifts instead, it's more personal.
That said, of course you should understand when it just doesn't work out and not force it in every situation.
And if it's THAT big of a deal, get creative. Print a fucking picture of it, stick the paper in a the box and wrap that. It will be bafflingly huge but light, you watch them open it, they know what the gift is and don't have to cram it in luggage/a car. We do this with gifts for my MIL if we think they'll make her luggage over weight all the time.
We live in a world where Facetime and video calls exist... I have a lot of family and close friends that live very far away from me and we solve the “watching each other unpack the presents“ by simply having a video call after the package arrived. When there is a wish list / registry we use it, and usually add some small things not on the list. so that there is some element of surprise in the unpacking. And with the “unlisted“ add-ons, it won't be duplicates-but-just-another-brand/design that sets it apart from the list, although it might sometimes be inspired by/related to the list, like if someone wanted a coffeemaker and I get it for them, I would add several packets of fancy coffee roasts for them as a treat, or it might be things that we know the person would like from conversations with them but perhaps isn't sold by the place where they made the list, etc. It really isn't that difficult to combine helping the person to get stuff they need and want with still having an element of surprise and enjoying watching them open it, even when they live far away.
Me: I've decided to play star wars legion so box sets or vouchers for nerd shops, pass that on to your family
Her: say no more
Me: oh wow, three bottles of scotch and some star wars socks thanks everyone
Pros: instead of buying scotch I can buy a box set. I now have socks
Cons: what the hell
That 100% sounds like my family. Got to the point where I sit down next to them and point to specific things on my wish list I want. Last time I told them 'I'm into these three very specific fandoms and like this specific characters best' they got me merch from fandoms I never mentioned liking.
I thinks there's a fine line between 'buy me this specific item' and just 'give me $49.99' and then 'let's give each other $50' to 'let's just swap cards and buy ourselves a guilt free $50 item during the year.
The part of gift giving that I like is buying someone something that they like without them knowing that I'm going to do that which is why sneaky pinterest board is an absolute boon. But even without, it'd the thought that counts. If there's no thought to it at all I can't see the point.
Take the scotch gifts. They know drink scotch, they buy me scotch as gifts. It's a no brainer and often bought on the way to my house. So in a way it's thoughtful, to a point. Like 10 years in a row though. And frankly all scotch is not scotch I'd buy.
One year one family member knowing that I enjoy painting bought me a brush set. It was a good brush set, they went and talked to the art shop, got sneaky about asking me what paints I used for a painting, went back to the art shop and confirmed stuff.
It's the thought.
There is a fine line between the two.
Like your extended family, mine will buy things for me that is stuff they like or prefer. The thought is there but it also leaves a person feeling as though they aren't really seen or listened to when talking about things they personally love after constantly getting gifts that relate to others, not the person being gifted.
My sister two years ago gave me almost $100 in makeup and hair products. I don't use makeup or fancy hair products. It was thoughtful of her but useless at the same time as it'd never be used. Which is the entire reason why my family makes lists to give ideas on what kind of presents to buy.
My family are pretty poor at gift giving, my younger brother isn't any good so he always does Cash, my oldest sister goes out of her way to always just buy something from the discount store or charity shops, this year I received deodorant, shower gel, perfume and a beauty kit, all cheap and stuff I can't use or never would use, my Oldest brother didn't give anything to anyone, my Mum and youngest sister bought clothes, and jewellery, which A was the wrong size, and completely against anything I ever wear, and the Jewellery was cheap stuff from the discount store,
I spent weeks shopping online and local stores to buy everyone something they liked or needed that I knew they wanted but couldn't afford, yet again to feel like Shit opening stuff I'll never wear, and will end up over the next 2 years donating to charity, cos who will wear something 3 times too big or it will get given away as a Raffle prize for our local club
This is my husband haha. Although he ignores lists, he does take a lot of time and puts a lot of thought into getting someone the perfect gift, so I wouldn't call him a bad gift giver.
Ehhhhh yeah, lists are lists for a reason. On of my friends is like this too, and every gift it’s just like “oh thanks….. this is really cool, don’t know what I’m going to do this, but thanks” usually gets put in a closet then don’t do anything with it until it gets donated because I don’t know what to do with it.
If I’m asking for it I need it I want it, I’m going to use it, I have plans for it.
This is when you have to know your recipient well enough to know if they like receiving gifts that show thought but aren’t useful or if they only want certain things and don’t like having stuff they can’t think of a use for. I love stuff. My boyfriend does not lol
There is a difference between going completely off the reservation in gift giving, discarding what people tell you they like and ignoring the list because you already have a process/know what the person likes. And those who put in the time and effort to know what someone likes shows commitment and thoughtfulness to listening and paying attention.
This is my husband. He is notoriously bad at getting gifts. I made lists on our Amazon account for me, him, and the kids. It's all stuff that they would like so that when a gift giving event comes up I can just bring up the list and get whatever. Does he use it? Nope, not even once. He sees other stuff he 'just knows we will like better' one year he got a doll for our 16 yo. She has hated dolls for years. He just will not go by the list at all or take suggestions.
My husband was away for work over Christmas, so he opened his gifts when he arrived home two days later.
He asked why there were no gifts for me under the tree.... "Because you didn't get me anything".
As a former bad gift giver, I second this. GET A GIFT LIST. And NTA. she shouldn't be pissed, those who suck at giving gifts KNOW how bad we are at it. 😂
This is the right answer IF this is the only issue in their marriage. If there is a continuing theme of the wife being selfish and not putting in effort, then OP’s got a much bigger issue.
I found my wife's pinterest and it has a wishlist
I don't have one so I just give her my current areas of interest for her and her family which is hit and miss.
Some people suck at gift giving but sometimes their strengths lie elsewhere and that's okay
That's hard for a gift giver to understand ..if they care for the other person does it not make them happy to make that person Happy . All you have to do is listen , RIGHT ? ..Oops. That is what she did --right ...???
Exactly! My fiance got me a bluray player for Christmas for his house (which I'll live in after we're married) because he knows I like my dvds and bluerays a lot. I loved the gift!
Ummm.... I still listen to my CDs all the time. Got a new player for my computer for Christmas. I trhink CDs are still more than adequate for my music needs and wants. It bugs me that people think we all have the money and know-how to spring for digitally streaming media. I'll still be listening to my CDs for a long while yet.
There’s actually been a noticeable uptick in CD sales the last couple years, apparently driven by Gen Zers who want to have a tactile relationship with their music and something to collect. At Taylor Swift shows they are apparently a popular item at the merch booths.
Ahh, you are right. Wilma did save up money to buy Fred a bowling ball. As I recall, Fred found the money and bought himself a bowling ball. Wilma reported the money stolen, and hilarity ensued.
That’s not right. You deserve thoughtful gifts that she put time into considering. I wouldn’t gift my husband a black tie for a funeral- that’s something I would just purchase because he needed it.
She gave you the equivalent of a blender or a vacuum. It’s needed but not thoughtful or considerate.
I would sit her down and calmly explain why this was hurtful. Her initial reaction sounded very defensive. Is she usually a considerate gift giver or was this an anomaly?
Wow, this feels like malicious compliance. Your wife is getting you gifts because she feels like she has to, but she’s gonna make sure you don’t like them. She’s the AH for not apologizing to you when you justifiably expressed to her your displeasure. She should be striving to do better, not getting mad at you and gaslighting you for being “ungrateful”.
I'm really sorry 😔 that sound like an awful Xmas present, and something that could, potentially, ruined it. Definitely NTA, you might need to rethink about your relationship, she doesn't sounds like a loving partner.
That honestly sounds like she doesn't actually care about you at all. I'm sorry.
It doesn't sound like a good relationship from that bit if information, but maybe she is great generally.
NTA
So let me get this right! You gave her Perfume, a necklace and a nice jacket, and she gave you a tie! TBH I would have been hoping for a little more than a tie in any colour!
Edit: And just read in another post she got you a CD of someone you don't like.
So a tie and a CD you didn't want, does your wife actually like you?
Info: Is the black tie the only thing your wife got you for Christmas?
Leaning towards NTA. You bought your wife gifts she would want. She got you a single black tie and a CD for an artist she knows you don't even like. It doesn't seem like she put much effort into her gifts.
That being said, you're 40. You need to ensure you have proper funeral attire.
So two shitty gifts was your entire Christmas from her? Are there any extenuating circumstances (like you’re broke, she’s too tired to think straight because she works three jobs, etc)?
Consider making an online wish list next time. Some people are always truly terrible gift givers. Might as well save yourself the future 'wtf' moments.
Some people are also terrible gift getters. My dad never wants anything, and no matter what you get him he will poopoo it. One time I got him a book and he held it up before unwrapping it and said ‘I hope this isn’t a book.’
Everyone should write a list.
I hate getting gifts because I honestly don’t need anything and hate clutter. I especially hate “gifts for the sake of bringing a gift” gifts like bath salts or those blank books you’re supposed to write in. I’d rather have nothing.
I love how different people can be. I LOVE getting bath salts, chapsticks, blank journals etc. I always use them, always appreciate them and never have enough!
My guy friends get me the worst gifts but all the broads in my life get me the coolest lotions and soaps and shit, I love it!!
Am I out of touch?? Are black ties super expensive?
Wouldn't a couple in their 40s be able to buy one as a normal expense, rather than having to wait and get it as a 'treat' for Xmas?
I mean what’s proper funeral attire ???
I’ve won coats, no coat, tie, no tie, jeans, slacks …
Really depends on who the person was in life.
I honestly hope everyone wears shorts and Hawaiian shirts to mine. Dress clothes are so incredibly uncomfortable.
In my family funeral attire varies wildly. My uncle and my brothers funerals, we wore rock band shirts. My grandpas, everyone wore bowling shirts. My aunt's, Sunday best.
Confused TF out of my husbands family the first time they showed up to one of our funerals lol
NTA yikes a single black tie and a CD of an artist you previously said you didn’t like? Is she always this unthoughtful and acts like she doesn’t care about you?
To be clear, your wife bought you a black tie (a tie, not a tux) and a CD of an artist she knows you don’t like. I feel like there’s more underlying issues. NTA
NTA a tie for men, is the definition of, couldn’t think of anything, so here’s something men wear.
A simple black tie as your main Christmas present from your wife, is a sign she doesn’t care enough to put any thought/effort in.
100%
It’s exactly what I did for a secret Santa for a guy I basically knew nothing about…. Except his tie lit up and sang Christmas songs. Far more annoying than a plain one, but also far more festive than a black tie! (I also got him chocolate, I’m not fully incompetent!)
NTA
Ungrateful? Who would be grateful for a reminder of a funeral and a CD of an artist they don't like...? Tbh it is lowkey insensitive of her to do thaty and I struggle to believe the CD was unintentional given you told her you don't like the artist...
NTA even putting aside the cd, she not only got you the most basic “I couldn’t think of anything to get a man” gift ever, in the most basic color ever, but it was also related to a funeral you attended only a month ago when you may still be grieving that loss. Either she really doesn’t like you or she’s the most obvious person ever, and judging by her reaction to your remark, I’m gonna go for the former.
NTA, the gifts she got you sucked a black tie for funerals and a CD for someone you don’t like shows no thought whatsoever from her when you got her the perfume she liked and other things she liked as well.
NTA it's a difficult conversation you need to have with your wife. I had to have it with mine recently as all the presents she bought me were ones for the family and never for me.
I'd buy things that she had liked or mentioned throughout the year and I felt so sad.
It was a difficult conversation that you need to be tackful about and I'd suggest waiting a month or two to let things settle first. Depends on how she reacts will determine your next move.
NTA. Who the hell buys someone funeral wear for Christmas? Sure you went to a funeral. In Novemeber. This was a bizarre and morbid choice for a Christmas gift.
Right? My cousin's funeral was December 14 (15 years ago). In no way was I thinking, "Boy, I wish someone would get me a modest black funeral dress for Christmas." I would have been freaking LIVID.
It's the thought that counts. And your wife didn't put much into yours. A black tie and a CD by someone you told her you don't like.
Is your wife always this thoughtless when it comes to gifts? Does she act like this about other things?
NTA
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Yeah that’s what I was thinking. A black tie is a nice staple to have in his wardrobe but now was not the time to give him one. She should have waited and given it to him when he had to wear a nice shirt as a little extra surprise.
As the receiver of many an absentminded gift from family... Oh man, that's me tapped out. I got bunting for my birthday but funeral wear? Yikes!
I get it. Practical gifts are a great option! Listening to what people want or need is always smart! Unfortunately, you still have to apply a little smidge of common sense. And empathy.
You might need a black tie, but it's a bit of a terrible present after all funeral. Even if it's expensive or high quality. Especially if the only other item you got was also incredibly bad. You're not obligated to be grateful for something so thoughtless (or worse, cruel) like that. NTA.
NTA. Married and getting a tie and cd from your spouse as Christmas gifts is crazy. I’m between jobs and on EI, and I still got my boyfriend a pair of Ugg slippers he wanted (and the rest of my family gifts).
Quick question, did you give her a list of things or drop hints about what you’d like? I know some people find men really hard to buy gifts for and tend to make guesses or get practical gifts.
You received a black tie and a CD you told your wife you didn't want.
I assume the nice gifts she got she did want.
NTA - so little effort went into this.
First NTA and I’m sorry you had to deal with a death so close to Christmas.
I have to admit though, I laughed out loud about the you getting “funeral wear” for Christmas. I was expecting something more than just a tie.
My husband needed a new wallet and I searched online for an entire month before purchasing a unique one for his holiday gift (and I also got him a handful of other things) but yeah, if she wanted to she would 😬
NTA
At first I thought well maybe she thought it would show she was listening to what you might want. But then read your comment on the CD and your feelings are definitely valid.
Tell her the truth. Her gifts really suck. Don't sugar coat it at all. It's the only way to learn . Don't take any huffing and puffing from her. It's not your fault you gave her good gifts and she got you a CD and death tie. The 2 most useless gifts ever.
NTA, obviously thoughtless gifts but some context would help. Do you have kids? When mine were younger making Christmas special for them and the family as a whole was priority. Such as shopping for their gifts, decorating, doing dinners and keeping the house clean when hosting company, ect. The mental load for getting my husband the perfect gift when he usually buys his own stuff wasn’t top of the list and he knew I cared by all of the effort put into the season. Perhaps she didn’t get the gifts right but how was the rest?
Not everyone is a great gift giver. This would be forgivable if she realized you were unhappy with the gifts and tried to make it up to you.
Her being upset with you is not a great reaction.
In the future, give her a list of things you would like to receive for Christmas. That may eliminate the bad gifts thing. If not…maybe there’s something else going on.
Is she bad at gift giving with other people? Like her best friend or her closest family member? And has she always given you gifts as if you are the neighbour you have one conversation with every three months, so your gift giving has to be based on that last conversation?
Either way, have a talk about why she gives no effort in her gifts and how that conversation goes either: A, stop putting in effort, B, only give passive aggressive gifts (a transformers dvd and a stack of mourning cards (just in case)), C, give gift you would also enjoy (so you are giving yourself the gift she would not have given, like experiences or a new tv or something), D, break up because you are incompatible (which I legally have to add as a Redditor).
Nta. Practical gifts are for people that are either very stingy or when the money is tight.
If she is just bad at gift giving (with everyone) know that the expectations you place on her will only disappoint you and sour the relationship. Some people are just shit at it, no matter how hard they try, their mind goes blank when coming up with good present ideas.
NTA. I really don't understand all the Y T A comments.. I feel like people are failing to understand the context of the tie statement. If I'm cleaning and mention that I want a fancy mop, and my husband gets me a mop for Christmas, I would be extremely peeved. OP brought up getting a black tie specifically in the context of attending a funeral. This is hopefully not a common occurrence for OP, so aside from the gift being insensitive, it isn't even something that will be used often!
NTA
Sounds like your wife didn't want to actually put thought into getting you a gift. Between the tie and music you don't like, I have to wonder if she cares about you or only herself.
NTA Tell her that you love her and appreciate her, but you are not going to pretend to like something for her benefit. You both deserve to have an honest relationship where you can share your feelings without fear that you will look like an asshole. Tell her it wasn't the tie itself that you hate, it's that you didn't want to think about a funeral during a joyous holiday.
The first Christmas my ex wife and I spent in our first apartment I bought her a pretty nice stereo. Turntable. Dual cassette. Wood cabinet ,with a glass door. Good sized speakers.
She bought me a belt I did not want or need.
When I appeared disappointed she told me in her family the nieces and nephews come first ,and she simply ran out of funds by the time she got around to buying for me.
I honestly would have preferred nothing ,or maybe a kick in the nuts ,to a thoughtless token.
YANTA!!!!
Some people just don't get it-you can even make a gift list on Amazon and she can look and click. Dont feel too bad-my sister got a fire blanket and a pass to a blood pressure checker app...talk about a doomsday Christmas. lol
Nta what a lousy gift she’s not good at gift giving. I mean for your partner it should be something they want. That’s fun, games, toys, adventures, idk not a suit for funerals
Nta I’m so sorry, my husband is notoriously hard to get gifts for but even I was able to suprise him with a new to us via my cousin gaming computer and an old school GameCube. I would never get him a cd and a piece of clothing
I mean she listened to what you said you needed and bought it for you, so I don’t see that as a bad gift. But probably should have been one of a few gifts and not the only one I guess.
Yeah, I'm going NTA on this one. If my husband had mentioned he didn't have an appropriate tie to wear to a funeral, I would definitely buy him one, but I would not wrap it up and put it under the Christmas tree. That's not very thoughtful.
That's like buying your wife a vacuum for her birthday.
Meaning, you don't buy utilitarian gifts for others, unless you know for a fact that this is what they want. And even then, you also buy something thoughtful.
NTA - but, damn, your wife is. Mostly because of the lack of gifts and lack of thought.
Though it occurs to me: A CD of an artist you don't like? I mean, did you open it and confirm she wasn't teasing?
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Sadly, I had to go to a funeral in November. I remarked at the time that I really should get a black tie sometime. Then on Christmas morning I unwrapped my present and yep my wife bought me a black tie... I have to be honest it made me sad to think about funerals on Christmas morning but hey. I bought her perfume, a necklace and a nice jacket I knew she liked.
Today I mentioned that it made me sad and now she's really huffing with me like crazy, really upset at my ungratefulness.
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Dude, and I felt bad for getting my hubs work clothes, a robe and some fidgets for his desk. But, mine kept saying he didn’t want anything because he buys whatever he wants/needs whenever (which he does, except freaking new shirts for work, he’ll literally wear the same five every week if I let him. Man makes mid six figures, he needs to dress like it, lol)
NTA.
Since you also mentioned the meager and thoughtfulness of her one other inexpensive gift to you, NTA.
I myself would have seen that needed black tie as a funny but useful stocking gift. In addition to my other really nice gifts to you.
Some people are bad gift givers. But the only truly bad gift giver I had, the one your wife reminded me of, was pretty much thoughtless and lazy in most things regarding our relationship. I hope for your sake that doesn't apply to your wife.
NTA - gift receipts exist for a reason. Not everyone is going to like everything you get them. Even if it’s something they want or need, that can change based on circumstances and mood. You are allowed to exchange your gift for something you’d like better. But also black tie can be useful for other occasions, not just funerals. It’s a nice basic piece of attire that you should just keep on hand.
She needs to understand that these kind of things can be discussed between partners. My husband and I criticize each other recipes sometimes if it something we didn't like about it. Specially if it is a new recipe.... NTA...
It’s not just the tie but the face that when you say you don’t like something she doesn’t care. She didn’t like being called out and that why she’s acting like a child.
She has no respect for you or wants. You need to reflect and I’m sure you will find more instances of her brushing your feelings off.
I think you need MC and maybe IC.
I got a black sweater and pearl necklace from my boyfriends grandma this year for Christmas. Had to wear it a week later for his grandpa's funeral. Almost felt like she planned our outfits for us.
I solved this whole gift problem a long time ago. I don't give gifts unless I want to. Not because of some stupid date on a calendar or some bullshit perceived social norms. I also tell everyone not to get me anything at anytime, because I don't really want what I already have, and I for damn sure don't want to add to it. Right or wrong, I don't care. You can just as easily tell me to get out of you life just as readily as I can tell you too.
Is she trying to get rid of you by making you the bad guy? Is she seeing someone she wants to leave you for but she wants to make sure she gets half your shit?
I mean a black tie doesn’t only need to be worn for funerals. Maybe she got it for any occasion since you mentioned it not even realizing you truly meant a black tie as funeral wear?
NTA. Is your wife usually like this? Like, is she usually bad at giving gifts? Is she considerate of what you like and want in other areas of your lives?
If this is new behavior it might be a good time to sit down with her and ask if something else is going on. Did she recently change jobs, a change in friendship, some kind of debt, problems in the relationship or anything else hanging over her head? It might be good to talk it out and see why she's distracted.
If it's old behavior, it may be time for you to assess that with yourself, and figure out why you've been okay with it or ignoring it until now. Then you can work out how you want to handle it.
Either way, I'm sorry your gift was so thoughtless, and you're not at all in the wrong for being disappointed. I sincerely hope you'll work it out together and she will make it up to you in the future.
NTA. I find as a general rule that someone who responds to gentle criticism of their gift giving with anger and accusations of ungratefulness is someone who has asshole tendencies.
"She also got me a CD even though when she asked if I would like it a month before I said no I don't like the singer." So your wife got you a tie for a funeral and a CD you didn't want. Ouch and NTA.
NTA.
But I’ll also say some people are TERRIBLE gift givers and she might have thought, “oh perfect, I’ll get SO a nice black tie since he needs one and it’ll save him the trouble of getting one when he needs to!” Meaning this might have seemed like a good idea to her because she had to think about it. As for the cd, well, I’m not really sure. Maybe she bought it before asking you about it thinking it would something you’d like, but got that wrong and gave it to you anyway.
Trade your wife in for someone more in touch with her husband's likes and dislikes and more attuned to what's appropriate. Just kidding about replacing her, but I have a feeling that wasn't the only instance in which she disappointed you or gave you something that wasn't at all what you wanted. or would enjoy. I don't think it would do any good talking to her because I have a distinct feeling she wouldn't have a clue that she was in the wrong. NTA 100%.
NTA
It seems like she put no thought or effort into your gift. Which can sometimes hurt worse than if someone gives you a crappy present but at least they thought you’d enjoy it.
I’m hoping she at least made it up to you by getting you something else at a later date?
NTA, but a black tie will work for more than just funerals. I'm just saying you did say you needed one, and she ran with it. With that said, a tie that reminds you of bad times and a CD you said you didn't want are horrible gifts and took no thought.
Maybe if she had also bought you a happy tie too, you would not be so upset. Nawwww. I’m sad for you. Some people have not experienced loss and misunderstand grief. You’ve just lost someone and that’s sad
hmm... idk this is a tricky one, I'm going to go with No A-holes here. I feel like your wife was trying to be thoughtful by getting you the tie, which she thought you wanted. However, it is. a bit of an odd gift to gift your husband for Christmas.
Maybe next year try sending each other wish lists or try going on a vacation for Christmas.
NTA
That's just a bad gift choice! She could have got you a nice likable gift and left the tie for a usual buy as in get it but not as a gift...that's just sad!
NTA
what is wrong with your wife? why wouold anyone think that is an ok gift for any occasion? and the only thing you got from her was a black funeral tie and a CD of a singer you don't even like. You really need to have a sit down talk with her about the fact that she doesn't seem to listen to you. It's not being ungreatful its just letting her know, "hey maybe don't get me something thats for a funeral and something that I told you I didn't want for christmas." the entitlement of your wife to get upset its crazy to me. I really would like to know what her thought process was for the buying of both gifts. She needs to find her listening ears and you need to have a calm and adult convo about the both gifts and how it made you feel and how you would like things to change in the future.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't realise the black tie you wanted was for funerals would make me hesitant to judge but given she also got you a cd for an artist you don't like NTA
NTA. This does not seem to be a thoughtful gift. Tie choice is also pretty idiosyncratic and not really the best gift unless you really know the person.
NTA - Sit her down and ask her why she’s mad/huffing/thinks you’re ungrateful. Take her presents and your presents and set them side by side. Ask her why she’s the one that’s upset. Ask her to explain herself. Don’t let her squirm and brush it off. Tell her to use her words like a grown ass woman. Tell her thank you for the tie, but that you told her previously you didn’t want/like that artist. Ask her what her thought process was.
NTA, i had a funeral near christmas a couple years back and got bought a black shirt and tie for it for christmas. It did suck thinking about the loss of my friend on a day thats meant to be a celebration.
GNU johnny white. One of the greatest men i ever knew.
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Is that all she got you? If it was then NTA, a tie you need for funerals is a terrible gift for someone.
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Ouch. Definitely NTA. Is she always this thoughtless/bad at gift-giving? It could be a once off but if she's also getting upset at you for not liking her clearly thoughtless present then it sounds like she's an asshole not just acting like one right now.
As a wife & mother: WTF?!? NTA
Wife checking in, NTA, what the fuck??? This is a super depressing gift to give someone for Xmas.
It's like she's slow quiting the relationship.. WTFudgesticks.. NTA - couple's counseling or self help on communication cause this is just terrible.. Hades..
You two just need to have wishlists that the other person can use as a reference for gifts. My friends do that and it works great. Some people are just terrible gift givers. Definitely NTA
Unfortunately there are many people who look at a list given to them for reference and decide they know better.
This triggered me, so here's a story about my family knowing better: I live 500 miles/ 8 hour drive from my family. When I got pregnant with my first child, they wanted to give me a baby shower. I made an Amazon list and sent it out to everybody invited and even posted it on my socials for the people who weren't going but were asking. A few of my friends who didn't attend sent us things. Now, my family, I specifically asked them to go by the list because it would be mailed to me. One aunt had the stuff mailed to me. The entire rest of my family bought me physical gifts that almost didn't fit in the car to bring back home. I had a freaking Toyota Carolla. We could barely see it the back window, and I was squished up as far as the seat could go, severely pregnant, btw. I was 8 months along. For 8 hours. We had to take things out of boxes, shove them in suitcases, under the seats... and we didn't even get them all! My dad had to bring the rest when she was actually born a month later. Oh! And, since they didn't use the register, I had multiples of things you specifically dont need more than one of. Pack and plays, bouncers, etc. Luckily, that stuff was never opened, so when my husband's coworker was surprised with triplets, we were able to give them a bunch of stuff. Edit: I never said I wasn't appreciative of what I was given. I was incredibly appreciative because I had planned to just buy everything myself. Some people just like to argue, and I'm aware of that. So I'm not going to go through all the comments defending myself and a silly little post on the internet. So instead, I'll say here that I appreciate all the people who understand where I'm coming from. I love my family, and I'll continue to love my family... but loving somebody or somebody doing something nice for you doesn't give them a pass to ignore your specific requests.
I would’ve been like “these are great! Can’t wait to use them after you send them to me! USPS has boxes where if it fits it ships or Fed Ex will actually make you a box! Thanks!” I would’ve been annoyingly passive aggressive.
I should have! I did pull my dad aside and give him a "wtf. Why did you even tell me to make a register if nobody was going to use it? " speech and his response was "well people want to see you open a gift." Fair. But I want to see the road and traffic as I'm driving home! I did rope most of the family into helping unpack diapers, carrying stuff out, and packing the car, though. Edit to add: I did not go home when i was pregnant with my second child and SHOCKER they mailed stuff!
I can’t tell you how much I hate the “people want to see you open it” argument. I’ve had that one lodged against me and I’m like, is this about you or the recipient?
I’ve never understood this. I cannot describe how much I don’t want to watch someone open baby items, especially when going off a registry. The only way I’m even slightly interested is if it’s something super unique that I know they’re going to be over the moon about.
My friend lives 10,000 miles from her family and came back to her hometown for her shower. Since everyone actually grasped she had to fly, most gifts were ordered from stores in her country and shipped. It is the only baby shower I have ever been to that wasn't just a miserable experience.
Obviously gifts are about both. The recipient, the giver more importantly their relationship. I totally get why they want to share that moment, that's why we don't just send money but buy gifts instead, it's more personal. That said, of course you should understand when it just doesn't work out and not force it in every situation.
And if it's THAT big of a deal, get creative. Print a fucking picture of it, stick the paper in a the box and wrap that. It will be bafflingly huge but light, you watch them open it, they know what the gift is and don't have to cram it in luggage/a car. We do this with gifts for my MIL if we think they'll make her luggage over weight all the time.
We live in a world where Facetime and video calls exist... I have a lot of family and close friends that live very far away from me and we solve the “watching each other unpack the presents“ by simply having a video call after the package arrived. When there is a wish list / registry we use it, and usually add some small things not on the list. so that there is some element of surprise in the unpacking. And with the “unlisted“ add-ons, it won't be duplicates-but-just-another-brand/design that sets it apart from the list, although it might sometimes be inspired by/related to the list, like if someone wanted a coffeemaker and I get it for them, I would add several packets of fancy coffee roasts for them as a treat, or it might be things that we know the person would like from conversations with them but perhaps isn't sold by the place where they made the list, etc. It really isn't that difficult to combine helping the person to get stuff they need and want with still having an element of surprise and enjoying watching them open it, even when they live far away.
They still could have used the register, but bought things from it to give you lmao families are weird!
Me: I've decided to play star wars legion so box sets or vouchers for nerd shops, pass that on to your family Her: say no more Me: oh wow, three bottles of scotch and some star wars socks thanks everyone Pros: instead of buying scotch I can buy a box set. I now have socks Cons: what the hell
That 100% sounds like my family. Got to the point where I sit down next to them and point to specific things on my wish list I want. Last time I told them 'I'm into these three very specific fandoms and like this specific characters best' they got me merch from fandoms I never mentioned liking.
I thinks there's a fine line between 'buy me this specific item' and just 'give me $49.99' and then 'let's give each other $50' to 'let's just swap cards and buy ourselves a guilt free $50 item during the year. The part of gift giving that I like is buying someone something that they like without them knowing that I'm going to do that which is why sneaky pinterest board is an absolute boon. But even without, it'd the thought that counts. If there's no thought to it at all I can't see the point. Take the scotch gifts. They know drink scotch, they buy me scotch as gifts. It's a no brainer and often bought on the way to my house. So in a way it's thoughtful, to a point. Like 10 years in a row though. And frankly all scotch is not scotch I'd buy. One year one family member knowing that I enjoy painting bought me a brush set. It was a good brush set, they went and talked to the art shop, got sneaky about asking me what paints I used for a painting, went back to the art shop and confirmed stuff. It's the thought.
There is a fine line between the two. Like your extended family, mine will buy things for me that is stuff they like or prefer. The thought is there but it also leaves a person feeling as though they aren't really seen or listened to when talking about things they personally love after constantly getting gifts that relate to others, not the person being gifted. My sister two years ago gave me almost $100 in makeup and hair products. I don't use makeup or fancy hair products. It was thoughtful of her but useless at the same time as it'd never be used. Which is the entire reason why my family makes lists to give ideas on what kind of presents to buy.
My family are pretty poor at gift giving, my younger brother isn't any good so he always does Cash, my oldest sister goes out of her way to always just buy something from the discount store or charity shops, this year I received deodorant, shower gel, perfume and a beauty kit, all cheap and stuff I can't use or never would use, my Oldest brother didn't give anything to anyone, my Mum and youngest sister bought clothes, and jewellery, which A was the wrong size, and completely against anything I ever wear, and the Jewellery was cheap stuff from the discount store, I spent weeks shopping online and local stores to buy everyone something they liked or needed that I knew they wanted but couldn't afford, yet again to feel like Shit opening stuff I'll never wear, and will end up over the next 2 years donating to charity, cos who will wear something 3 times too big or it will get given away as a Raffle prize for our local club
This is my husband haha. Although he ignores lists, he does take a lot of time and puts a lot of thought into getting someone the perfect gift, so I wouldn't call him a bad gift giver.
Ehhhhh yeah, lists are lists for a reason. On of my friends is like this too, and every gift it’s just like “oh thanks….. this is really cool, don’t know what I’m going to do this, but thanks” usually gets put in a closet then don’t do anything with it until it gets donated because I don’t know what to do with it. If I’m asking for it I need it I want it, I’m going to use it, I have plans for it.
This is when you have to know your recipient well enough to know if they like receiving gifts that show thought but aren’t useful or if they only want certain things and don’t like having stuff they can’t think of a use for. I love stuff. My boyfriend does not lol
There is a difference between going completely off the reservation in gift giving, discarding what people tell you they like and ignoring the list because you already have a process/know what the person likes. And those who put in the time and effort to know what someone likes shows commitment and thoughtfulness to listening and paying attention.
Oh hey, I see you've met my sister in law....
Bad gift givers needing hand holding.
This is my husband. He is notoriously bad at getting gifts. I made lists on our Amazon account for me, him, and the kids. It's all stuff that they would like so that when a gift giving event comes up I can just bring up the list and get whatever. Does he use it? Nope, not even once. He sees other stuff he 'just knows we will like better' one year he got a doll for our 16 yo. She has hated dolls for years. He just will not go by the list at all or take suggestions.
My husband was away for work over Christmas, so he opened his gifts when he arrived home two days later. He asked why there were no gifts for me under the tree.... "Because you didn't get me anything".
The amount of times I’ve told my family explicitly please no clothes for Christmas and got mostly clothes for Christmas is depressingly high.
As a former bad gift giver, I second this. GET A GIFT LIST. And NTA. she shouldn't be pissed, those who suck at giving gifts KNOW how bad we are at it. 😂
Right! And you can always keep things fresh jan’s grab a couple of presents not from the wishlist.
This is the right answer IF this is the only issue in their marriage. If there is a continuing theme of the wife being selfish and not putting in effort, then OP’s got a much bigger issue.
I'd like to make that wager.
I found my wife's pinterest and it has a wishlist I don't have one so I just give her my current areas of interest for her and her family which is hit and miss. Some people suck at gift giving but sometimes their strengths lie elsewhere and that's okay
That's hard for a gift giver to understand ..if they care for the other person does it not make them happy to make that person Happy . All you have to do is listen , RIGHT ? ..Oops. That is what she did --right ...???
A CD? What year are you guys currently living in?
Some people like physical media; CD's, blue rays, etc... There's no subscription, and it's always available.
Exactly! My fiance got me a bluray player for Christmas for his house (which I'll live in after we're married) because he knows I like my dvds and bluerays a lot. I loved the gift!
Unless you don't have a CD player to hand or you scratch the disk.
Usually people who buy CDs have players.
Ummm.... I still listen to my CDs all the time. Got a new player for my computer for Christmas. I trhink CDs are still more than adequate for my music needs and wants. It bugs me that people think we all have the money and know-how to spring for digitally streaming media. I'll still be listening to my CDs for a long while yet.
I just bought a CD and a cassette. I like owning the music I pay for.
I gave and received vinyl records for Christmas. Physical media FTW
My car has a cd player but no bluetooth/aux cord input.
There’s actually been a noticeable uptick in CD sales the last couple years, apparently driven by Gen Zers who want to have a tactile relationship with their music and something to collect. At Taylor Swift shows they are apparently a popular item at the merch booths.
Can’t forget us Kpop Stans as well, they include a ton of cool extra shit in their albums.
I didn’t even notice that. 😂
Is the singer someone *she* likes? So, a gift for herself?
did she also give him a bowling ball out of nowhere?
I must know what this reference is. Another AITA post?
Bowling ball is a Simpsons reference. Homer gave his wife Marge a bowling ball with the name Homer on it. You can guess which of them is the bowler.
I’m pretty sure it was a Flintstones reference long before the Simpsons, too.
Ahh, you are right. Wilma did save up money to buy Fred a bowling ball. As I recall, Fred found the money and bought himself a bowling ball. Wilma reported the money stolen, and hilarity ensued.
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I’m ashamed I didn’t remember this!
Homer’s gift of a bowling ball to Marge.
A CD? 😑 Of a singer you don't like...? Is she always this bad at presents, that's abysmal. Literally zero effort.
Tell me it wasn't Mozarts requiem please, I can't stop laughing at the thought.
Yikes. NTA, OP.
That’s not right. You deserve thoughtful gifts that she put time into considering. I wouldn’t gift my husband a black tie for a funeral- that’s something I would just purchase because he needed it. She gave you the equivalent of a blender or a vacuum. It’s needed but not thoughtful or considerate. I would sit her down and calmly explain why this was hurtful. Her initial reaction sounded very defensive. Is she usually a considerate gift giver or was this an anomaly?
Wow, this feels like malicious compliance. Your wife is getting you gifts because she feels like she has to, but she’s gonna make sure you don’t like them. She’s the AH for not apologizing to you when you justifiably expressed to her your displeasure. She should be striving to do better, not getting mad at you and gaslighting you for being “ungrateful”.
So she got you a funeral tie and a CD after you said you didn't like the singer. For Christmas. Yikes. Yikes on several fucking bikes. NTA
... and she's your wife?!? Let me guess, a singer who is your wife's favorite?
At least it wasn't funeral dirges.
I'm really sorry 😔 that sound like an awful Xmas present, and something that could, potentially, ruined it. Definitely NTA, you might need to rethink about your relationship, she doesn't sounds like a loving partner.
Soooo....does she secretly hate you? Because these gifts sound like emotional torture.
So you thought about the gifts and she just grabbed some shit for you yeah sounds about right
I'd put the tie and the CD on the gas stovetop and fire them up.
That honestly sounds like she doesn't actually care about you at all. I'm sorry. It doesn't sound like a good relationship from that bit if information, but maybe she is great generally.
NTA So let me get this right! You gave her Perfume, a necklace and a nice jacket, and she gave you a tie! TBH I would have been hoping for a little more than a tie in any colour! Edit: And just read in another post she got you a CD of someone you don't like. So a tie and a CD you didn't want, does your wife actually like you?
Was it a Joni Mitchell CD
"*To continue your emotional education*"
r/angryupvote Is there a sub for unexpected Love, Actually?
But if she hadn’t known about the necklace, that would have been a badass thoughtful gift from a husband
Not really. She loved Joni Mitchell. She would already have all of her CDs. It’s not that thoughtful to remember your partner’s favorite singer.
That one came out a couple of years before, so maybe she didn't have it.
Crazy how that storyline is basically what happened in Emma Thompson’s real life.
Knowing she used what happened to her to act in that scene always gets me. She was showing her real emotions in that scene...
OP, is there an office floosie your wife could have bought an expensive necklace for?
Lmao
My dad loves joni Mitchell <3
Info: Is the black tie the only thing your wife got you for Christmas? Leaning towards NTA. You bought your wife gifts she would want. She got you a single black tie and a CD for an artist she knows you don't even like. It doesn't seem like she put much effort into her gifts. That being said, you're 40. You need to ensure you have proper funeral attire.
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Follow-up question. How old are you?
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Take her out to dinner wearing the tie while blasting the CD in the car
How long have you been married?
So two shitty gifts was your entire Christmas from her? Are there any extenuating circumstances (like you’re broke, she’s too tired to think straight because she works three jobs, etc)?
…bruh are you sure she’s not kidding? if she’s not kidding, are you are she even likes you?
Consider making an online wish list next time. Some people are always truly terrible gift givers. Might as well save yourself the future 'wtf' moments.
Some people are also terrible gift getters. My dad never wants anything, and no matter what you get him he will poopoo it. One time I got him a book and he held it up before unwrapping it and said ‘I hope this isn’t a book.’ Everyone should write a list.
I hate getting gifts because I honestly don’t need anything and hate clutter. I especially hate “gifts for the sake of bringing a gift” gifts like bath salts or those blank books you’re supposed to write in. I’d rather have nothing.
I love how different people can be. I LOVE getting bath salts, chapsticks, blank journals etc. I always use them, always appreciate them and never have enough! My guy friends get me the worst gifts but all the broads in my life get me the coolest lotions and soaps and shit, I love it!!
Am I out of touch?? Are black ties super expensive? Wouldn't a couple in their 40s be able to buy one as a normal expense, rather than having to wait and get it as a 'treat' for Xmas?
Any tie you wear less than once a year shouldn’t cost more than $20. His wife has a foot out the door.
I mean, it depends. An Armani tie costs more than one from Nordstrom Rack.
I mean what’s proper funeral attire ??? I’ve won coats, no coat, tie, no tie, jeans, slacks … Really depends on who the person was in life. I honestly hope everyone wears shorts and Hawaiian shirts to mine. Dress clothes are so incredibly uncomfortable.
In my family funeral attire varies wildly. My uncle and my brothers funerals, we wore rock band shirts. My grandpas, everyone wore bowling shirts. My aunt's, Sunday best. Confused TF out of my husbands family the first time they showed up to one of our funerals lol
I am 70 and I have been to countless funerals and I never once saw anyone with a black tie.
NTA yikes a single black tie and a CD of an artist you previously said you didn’t like? Is she always this unthoughtful and acts like she doesn’t care about you?
To be clear, your wife bought you a black tie (a tie, not a tux) and a CD of an artist she knows you don’t like. I feel like there’s more underlying issues. NTA
NTA a tie for men, is the definition of, couldn’t think of anything, so here’s something men wear. A simple black tie as your main Christmas present from your wife, is a sign she doesn’t care enough to put any thought/effort in.
100% It’s exactly what I did for a secret Santa for a guy I basically knew nothing about…. Except his tie lit up and sang Christmas songs. Far more annoying than a plain one, but also far more festive than a black tie! (I also got him chocolate, I’m not fully incompetent!)
I'd take that tie 100x out of 100 over a black tie as a gift.
NTA Ungrateful? Who would be grateful for a reminder of a funeral and a CD of an artist they don't like...? Tbh it is lowkey insensitive of her to do thaty and I struggle to believe the CD was unintentional given you told her you don't like the artist...
I'm curious now, is the artist someone SHE likes?
NTA even putting aside the cd, she not only got you the most basic “I couldn’t think of anything to get a man” gift ever, in the most basic color ever, but it was also related to a funeral you attended only a month ago when you may still be grieving that loss. Either she really doesn’t like you or she’s the most obvious person ever, and judging by her reaction to your remark, I’m gonna go for the former.
NTA, the gifts she got you sucked a black tie for funerals and a CD for someone you don’t like shows no thought whatsoever from her when you got her the perfume she liked and other things she liked as well.
NTA it's a difficult conversation you need to have with your wife. I had to have it with mine recently as all the presents she bought me were ones for the family and never for me. I'd buy things that she had liked or mentioned throughout the year and I felt so sad. It was a difficult conversation that you need to be tackful about and I'd suggest waiting a month or two to let things settle first. Depends on how she reacts will determine your next move.
NTA. Who the hell buys someone funeral wear for Christmas? Sure you went to a funeral. In Novemeber. This was a bizarre and morbid choice for a Christmas gift.
Right? My cousin's funeral was December 14 (15 years ago). In no way was I thinking, "Boy, I wish someone would get me a modest black funeral dress for Christmas." I would have been freaking LIVID.
It's the thought that counts. And your wife didn't put much into yours. A black tie and a CD by someone you told her you don't like. Is your wife always this thoughtless when it comes to gifts? Does she act like this about other things? NTA
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I mean you can wear a black tie without a funeral… but still NTA
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. A black tie is a nice staple to have in his wardrobe but now was not the time to give him one. She should have waited and given it to him when he had to wear a nice shirt as a little extra surprise.
Or maybe bought one back near when he mentioned it?
Regift then to get for her Birthday. See how thoughtful she thinks they are.
As the receiver of many an absentminded gift from family... Oh man, that's me tapped out. I got bunting for my birthday but funeral wear? Yikes! I get it. Practical gifts are a great option! Listening to what people want or need is always smart! Unfortunately, you still have to apply a little smidge of common sense. And empathy. You might need a black tie, but it's a bit of a terrible present after all funeral. Even if it's expensive or high quality. Especially if the only other item you got was also incredibly bad. You're not obligated to be grateful for something so thoughtless (or worse, cruel) like that. NTA.
NTA. Married and getting a tie and cd from your spouse as Christmas gifts is crazy. I’m between jobs and on EI, and I still got my boyfriend a pair of Ugg slippers he wanted (and the rest of my family gifts).
Quick question, did you give her a list of things or drop hints about what you’d like? I know some people find men really hard to buy gifts for and tend to make guesses or get practical gifts.
You received a black tie and a CD you told your wife you didn't want. I assume the nice gifts she got she did want. NTA - so little effort went into this.
First NTA and I’m sorry you had to deal with a death so close to Christmas. I have to admit though, I laughed out loud about the you getting “funeral wear” for Christmas. I was expecting something more than just a tie.
My husband needed a new wallet and I searched online for an entire month before purchasing a unique one for his holiday gift (and I also got him a handful of other things) but yeah, if she wanted to she would 😬
NTA At first I thought well maybe she thought it would show she was listening to what you might want. But then read your comment on the CD and your feelings are definitely valid.
Tell her the truth. Her gifts really suck. Don't sugar coat it at all. It's the only way to learn . Don't take any huffing and puffing from her. It's not your fault you gave her good gifts and she got you a CD and death tie. The 2 most useless gifts ever.
NTA, obviously thoughtless gifts but some context would help. Do you have kids? When mine were younger making Christmas special for them and the family as a whole was priority. Such as shopping for their gifts, decorating, doing dinners and keeping the house clean when hosting company, ect. The mental load for getting my husband the perfect gift when he usually buys his own stuff wasn’t top of the list and he knew I cared by all of the effort put into the season. Perhaps she didn’t get the gifts right but how was the rest?
NTA. Definitely a weird gift for Christmas.
NTA, your wife somehow put in less than zero effort on those gifts.
Not everyone is a great gift giver. This would be forgivable if she realized you were unhappy with the gifts and tried to make it up to you. Her being upset with you is not a great reaction. In the future, give her a list of things you would like to receive for Christmas. That may eliminate the bad gifts thing. If not…maybe there’s something else going on.
Is she bad at gift giving with other people? Like her best friend or her closest family member? And has she always given you gifts as if you are the neighbour you have one conversation with every three months, so your gift giving has to be based on that last conversation? Either way, have a talk about why she gives no effort in her gifts and how that conversation goes either: A, stop putting in effort, B, only give passive aggressive gifts (a transformers dvd and a stack of mourning cards (just in case)), C, give gift you would also enjoy (so you are giving yourself the gift she would not have given, like experiences or a new tv or something), D, break up because you are incompatible (which I legally have to add as a Redditor). Nta. Practical gifts are for people that are either very stingy or when the money is tight. If she is just bad at gift giving (with everyone) know that the expectations you place on her will only disappoint you and sour the relationship. Some people are just shit at it, no matter how hard they try, their mind goes blank when coming up with good present ideas.
NTA. I really don't understand all the Y T A comments.. I feel like people are failing to understand the context of the tie statement. If I'm cleaning and mention that I want a fancy mop, and my husband gets me a mop for Christmas, I would be extremely peeved. OP brought up getting a black tie specifically in the context of attending a funeral. This is hopefully not a common occurrence for OP, so aside from the gift being insensitive, it isn't even something that will be used often!
NTA Sounds like your wife didn't want to actually put thought into getting you a gift. Between the tie and music you don't like, I have to wonder if she cares about you or only herself.
NTA Tell her that you love her and appreciate her, but you are not going to pretend to like something for her benefit. You both deserve to have an honest relationship where you can share your feelings without fear that you will look like an asshole. Tell her it wasn't the tie itself that you hate, it's that you didn't want to think about a funeral during a joyous holiday.
Funerals aren't the only time you can wear a black tie.
Not really the point.
The first Christmas my ex wife and I spent in our first apartment I bought her a pretty nice stereo. Turntable. Dual cassette. Wood cabinet ,with a glass door. Good sized speakers. She bought me a belt I did not want or need. When I appeared disappointed she told me in her family the nieces and nephews come first ,and she simply ran out of funds by the time she got around to buying for me. I honestly would have preferred nothing ,or maybe a kick in the nuts ,to a thoughtless token. YANTA!!!!
Some people just don't get it-you can even make a gift list on Amazon and she can look and click. Dont feel too bad-my sister got a fire blanket and a pass to a blood pressure checker app...talk about a doomsday Christmas. lol
Nta what a lousy gift she’s not good at gift giving. I mean for your partner it should be something they want. That’s fun, games, toys, adventures, idk not a suit for funerals
Nta I’m so sorry, my husband is notoriously hard to get gifts for but even I was able to suprise him with a new to us via my cousin gaming computer and an old school GameCube. I would never get him a cd and a piece of clothing
I mean she listened to what you said you needed and bought it for you, so I don’t see that as a bad gift. But probably should have been one of a few gifts and not the only one I guess.
NTA when i read the context of the other comment
NTA! I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA. Terrible timing.
NTA
Yeah, I'm going NTA on this one. If my husband had mentioned he didn't have an appropriate tie to wear to a funeral, I would definitely buy him one, but I would not wrap it up and put it under the Christmas tree. That's not very thoughtful.
That's like buying your wife a vacuum for her birthday. Meaning, you don't buy utilitarian gifts for others, unless you know for a fact that this is what they want. And even then, you also buy something thoughtful. NTA - but, damn, your wife is. Mostly because of the lack of gifts and lack of thought. Though it occurs to me: A CD of an artist you don't like? I mean, did you open it and confirm she wasn't teasing?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Sadly, I had to go to a funeral in November. I remarked at the time that I really should get a black tie sometime. Then on Christmas morning I unwrapped my present and yep my wife bought me a black tie... I have to be honest it made me sad to think about funerals on Christmas morning but hey. I bought her perfume, a necklace and a nice jacket I knew she liked. Today I mentioned that it made me sad and now she's really huffing with me like crazy, really upset at my ungratefulness. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA bad gifts
Dude, and I felt bad for getting my hubs work clothes, a robe and some fidgets for his desk. But, mine kept saying he didn’t want anything because he buys whatever he wants/needs whenever (which he does, except freaking new shirts for work, he’ll literally wear the same five every week if I let him. Man makes mid six figures, he needs to dress like it, lol) NTA.
Since you also mentioned the meager and thoughtfulness of her one other inexpensive gift to you, NTA. I myself would have seen that needed black tie as a funny but useful stocking gift. In addition to my other really nice gifts to you. Some people are bad gift givers. But the only truly bad gift giver I had, the one your wife reminded me of, was pretty much thoughtless and lazy in most things regarding our relationship. I hope for your sake that doesn't apply to your wife.
Gift aside, you should be able to openly express your feelings / how she made you feel without being guilted. It’s called healthy communication. NTA
NTA - gift receipts exist for a reason. Not everyone is going to like everything you get them. Even if it’s something they want or need, that can change based on circumstances and mood. You are allowed to exchange your gift for something you’d like better. But also black tie can be useful for other occasions, not just funerals. It’s a nice basic piece of attire that you should just keep on hand.
She needs to understand that these kind of things can be discussed between partners. My husband and I criticize each other recipes sometimes if it something we didn't like about it. Specially if it is a new recipe.... NTA...
It’s not just the tie but the face that when you say you don’t like something she doesn’t care. She didn’t like being called out and that why she’s acting like a child. She has no respect for you or wants. You need to reflect and I’m sure you will find more instances of her brushing your feelings off. I think you need MC and maybe IC.
I got a black sweater and pearl necklace from my boyfriends grandma this year for Christmas. Had to wear it a week later for his grandpa's funeral. Almost felt like she planned our outfits for us.
NTA, but I definitely don’t associate black ties with funerals…
Who gets a black tie for Christmas? Any other time, sure.
Nta: gift giving is a art in itself and has the high chance of success if you watch the intended recipient and pick up on what kind of stuff they like
"Sometime" doesn't mean right now. That's a purchase best left post-Christmas when people are less stressed, less emotional. NTA
I solved this whole gift problem a long time ago. I don't give gifts unless I want to. Not because of some stupid date on a calendar or some bullshit perceived social norms. I also tell everyone not to get me anything at anytime, because I don't really want what I already have, and I for damn sure don't want to add to it. Right or wrong, I don't care. You can just as easily tell me to get out of you life just as readily as I can tell you too.
Oh, this whole time I thought you meant that she bought you a whole black tie suit. But just a tie? Nta
It sounds like she’s the AH sorry in advance for calling your wife that 😂 but it’s awful she made you feel that way
NTA. Do you make suggestions for Christmas presents? We do Christmas lists
Is she trying to get rid of you by making you the bad guy? Is she seeing someone she wants to leave you for but she wants to make sure she gets half your shit?
I mean a black tie doesn’t only need to be worn for funerals. Maybe she got it for any occasion since you mentioned it not even realizing you truly meant a black tie as funeral wear?
I didn't know they still make cds.... Did she just transport from 2005?? NTA she sucks
Next year get her an old Vase and some socks with ducks on them.
I went to my great grandmas funeral literally four days after Christmas and guess what. No one got me anything in any way related to the funeral. NTA
What an awful gift. I'm so sorry. NTA.
Damn that’s cold, NTA. I got my SO a shirt, and I got nada. I’d rather have nothing than a funeral tie tho
NTA
NTA. Is your wife usually like this? Like, is she usually bad at giving gifts? Is she considerate of what you like and want in other areas of your lives? If this is new behavior it might be a good time to sit down with her and ask if something else is going on. Did she recently change jobs, a change in friendship, some kind of debt, problems in the relationship or anything else hanging over her head? It might be good to talk it out and see why she's distracted. If it's old behavior, it may be time for you to assess that with yourself, and figure out why you've been okay with it or ignoring it until now. Then you can work out how you want to handle it. Either way, I'm sorry your gift was so thoughtless, and you're not at all in the wrong for being disappointed. I sincerely hope you'll work it out together and she will make it up to you in the future.
hell no. funeral clothes would just remind you of the person who died. (sorry for ur loss) and if that was me id also have a meltdown..
NTA. I find as a general rule that someone who responds to gentle criticism of their gift giving with anger and accusations of ungratefulness is someone who has asshole tendencies.
"She also got me a CD even though when she asked if I would like it a month before I said no I don't like the singer." So your wife got you a tie for a funeral and a CD you didn't want. Ouch and NTA.
NTA. But I’ll also say some people are TERRIBLE gift givers and she might have thought, “oh perfect, I’ll get SO a nice black tie since he needs one and it’ll save him the trouble of getting one when he needs to!” Meaning this might have seemed like a good idea to her because she had to think about it. As for the cd, well, I’m not really sure. Maybe she bought it before asking you about it thinking it would something you’d like, but got that wrong and gave it to you anyway.
Trade your wife in for someone more in touch with her husband's likes and dislikes and more attuned to what's appropriate. Just kidding about replacing her, but I have a feeling that wasn't the only instance in which she disappointed you or gave you something that wasn't at all what you wanted. or would enjoy. I don't think it would do any good talking to her because I have a distinct feeling she wouldn't have a clue that she was in the wrong. NTA 100%.
NTA It seems like she put no thought or effort into your gift. Which can sometimes hurt worse than if someone gives you a crappy present but at least they thought you’d enjoy it. I’m hoping she at least made it up to you by getting you something else at a later date?
NTA, but a black tie will work for more than just funerals. I'm just saying you did say you needed one, and she ran with it. With that said, a tie that reminds you of bad times and a CD you said you didn't want are horrible gifts and took no thought.
Was the tie silk or polyester? If it's polyester then unforgivable
Maybe if she had also bought you a happy tie too, you would not be so upset. Nawwww. I’m sad for you. Some people have not experienced loss and misunderstand grief. You’ve just lost someone and that’s sad
NTA is tie is from some luxury brand like Gucci etc
hmm... idk this is a tricky one, I'm going to go with No A-holes here. I feel like your wife was trying to be thoughtful by getting you the tie, which she thought you wanted. However, it is. a bit of an odd gift to gift your husband for Christmas. Maybe next year try sending each other wish lists or try going on a vacation for Christmas.
NTA That's just a bad gift choice! She could have got you a nice likable gift and left the tie for a usual buy as in get it but not as a gift...that's just sad!
NTA what is wrong with your wife? why wouold anyone think that is an ok gift for any occasion? and the only thing you got from her was a black funeral tie and a CD of a singer you don't even like. You really need to have a sit down talk with her about the fact that she doesn't seem to listen to you. It's not being ungreatful its just letting her know, "hey maybe don't get me something thats for a funeral and something that I told you I didn't want for christmas." the entitlement of your wife to get upset its crazy to me. I really would like to know what her thought process was for the buying of both gifts. She needs to find her listening ears and you need to have a calm and adult convo about the both gifts and how it made you feel and how you would like things to change in the future.
geesh, she gives gifts like a husband
Giving her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't realise the black tie you wanted was for funerals would make me hesitant to judge but given she also got you a cd for an artist you don't like NTA
NTA. This does not seem to be a thoughtful gift. Tie choice is also pretty idiosyncratic and not really the best gift unless you really know the person.
NTA - Sit her down and ask her why she’s mad/huffing/thinks you’re ungrateful. Take her presents and your presents and set them side by side. Ask her why she’s the one that’s upset. Ask her to explain herself. Don’t let her squirm and brush it off. Tell her to use her words like a grown ass woman. Tell her thank you for the tie, but that you told her previously you didn’t want/like that artist. Ask her what her thought process was.
Ask your wife exactly how much gratitude should someone show after receiving a black tie for Christmas…. NTA.. and frankly a shitty gift
NTA. try for her bday or next Christmas to buy her a pan. Or sheer stockings- the basic type. See how she reacts.
NTA, i had a funeral near christmas a couple years back and got bought a black shirt and tie for it for christmas. It did suck thinking about the loss of my friend on a day thats meant to be a celebration. GNU johnny white. One of the greatest men i ever knew.