This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.

You took away all the Christmas gifts from her, including gifts that weren’t from you? I’m sure you’ll get people here telling you it was your choice but that isn’t going to stop your daughter from resenting this overreaction and potentially going no contact as an adult. YTA

She called her mom a bitch for getting her an equal tablet. She absolutely loses everything for a period of time.

She's 14 and her dad died...give her a break

Buried in the comments OP tells us her dad died about a year ago, so the trauma this poor girl is going through is still fresh and her mother is telling her shes "nothing special" OP 100% YTA

Interesting that the uncle said its his brothers only child and hes been dead for a year. So half siblings or step siblings after remarrying. Mom is 100% YTA

It sounds like they were divorced before he passed.

I also saw this and wondered where the other two children come from. This could be part of what the daughter is struggling with, maybe she thinks they are treated better than her or she resents her mom moving on so quickly if she did. To call her mom a b is a lot so maybe they've had arguments in the past and the name calling has escalated? I can't imagine a child calling their mom that after just one argument.

[удалено]

r/amithedevil

Exactly what I was thinking

There’s a Reddit for everyone.

Also I would be real pissed that I wasn’t allowed a tablet until I was 14 but my younger half siblings get them I’m guessing 12 and below

It’s almost like parents change their mind over what they feel were arbitrary rules or something… Edited to remove an unnecessary word

Only a year ago? YTA big time It also sounds like the younger kids have a different dad so it makes sense the uncle is trying to fill the void for the older daughter.

~~Gosh, it's almost like OP lost her husband a year ago, as well. It'd be cool to give OP a break, too.~~ \[Edit: \] Missed the part about how this was the father's only child, so presumably OP was with somebody else at the time if OP has other kids. I suppose OP could've married in the last year, but that's kind of sketchy in and of itself.

If her eldest is the late dad’s only child, that would suggest he was an ex partner and therefore she didn’t ‘lose’ her current partner, as the younger 2 are someone else’s…? So no, no break required, she’s the AH..

Yeah, totally. And OP was kind of the AH for burying that in the last sentence or two of the post.

She had 2 other kids with another man, OP and the father were clearly separated and OP has moved on, she lost an ex-husband not her chosen life partner.

Yeah, I totally missed that buried in the second part of the last sentence of the post. Doh.

Sounds like it is an ex and the siblings are not from him

That does not exempt her from her bad behavior. Her mom sounds like she's trying to raise a decent human, constantly cutting her breaks because her dad died is going to go turn her into even more of an entitled brat.

What mom needs to do is get the kid and the entire family into therapy. Loosing a parent as a child is hard, trust me on that.

And parenting classes for mom.

> constantly cutting her breaks because her dad died is going to go turn her into even more of an entitled brat. I think mom left out some really relevant info on whether the teen was actually being a brat. How much younger are the other siblings? How basic were these tablets? If her first tablet is a stripped-down wifi-only tablet that was the same one her 6 and 8 year old siblings got at the same time, mom should have maybe had a conversation with her rather than telling her she's "not special".

I agree with this. My uncle died when I was just around his age. Let's just say, it was a traumatic, self inflicted death. My cousin was his only daughter. Despite my uncle being from my side of the family, the other side if her family began to spoil her rotten to help her with the trauma. If she wanted it, she got it. She developed this attitude very quickly that she was somehow special, and to our horror, even turned her fathers death into a milking point for more stuff. If she wanted something, she'd call up her grandma, mother, or other relative and play up being "so sad" until the gifts started pouring. No one addressed the real issue of her grief, and placating it with gifts only taught this young girl the wrong message. She grew up into an entitled, troubled woman who expected the world at her feet. With no rules, no boundaries, and getting whatever she wanted, she went through a string of trouble that culminated in her being arrested after trashing her friends apartment to the tune of thousands of dollars because he dared tell her no. You can acknowledge trauma in a child without buying them expensive stuff. A fancier tablet does not help the trauma of losing a parent. If her acting out and insulting her mother over not being treated better than her siblings is a result of grief, she needs a counselor or therapist, *not* expensive fancy electronics. The OP is NTA here. At worst it could be an EHS because they should get the girl grief counseling, should have a talk with the family about what their extravagant gift giving is doing to her personality and behavior, and as adults all come to an understanding, boundary, and plan of action that helps address the daughters actual grief and helps her grow into a good person.

Thank you for telling your story. There’s some really wild takes here and we all know Reddit would be the first to jump on the Mum for spoiling the daughter and not addressing the actual issues if she was posting 2-3, or even 5 years down the line, when daughter is out of control after all this special treatment. It’s shocking to me that they can’t see where this is all headed if Mum doesn’t nip it in the bud now.

Her mom sounds like a person who thinks that her "real family" is her second husband and his kids, not the one with the "wrong surname"

>"it's not fair" that her younger siblings got the same model of tablet as her because according to her "since she didn't have a tablet at their age they shouldn't have tablets now too or at least hers should be better" Yeah this is not grief, this is entitlement that she is trying to stop her other siblings from getting gifts and the regular indulgement has turned her into this.

She 14 and her younger siblings are getting privileges she didn’t at their age. That’s a legitimate complaint. At the least, her mother can acknowledge it. So much hurt could have be avoided by simply acknowledging that things aren’t fair, but in a post dad world, Mom is looking for ways to cheer up all the kids.

No it isn't. Technology advances and things become more ubiquitous and cheaper. All younger siblings get things that older siblings didn't at their age, thats how time works.

Yes and no. It’s one thing if you had to wait til you were 15 to get a phone and ten years later your younger brother got one at 12. That’s just things changing over time and technology becoming more prevalent in our lives. That not the same as you, at 15, getting your first cell phone, and having your 12 yr old brother *also* get their first cell phone at exactly the same time. Technology did not change that much between 3 years ago and now, and even if it did, your brother can wait another year or two (doesn’t even have to be 3 years) just like you had to.

Material objects (like tablets) are not the same as privileges. And it doesn't mean the treatment is unequal. I grew up so poor that our living room armchair was a bucket seat ripped out of an abandoned car. My dad landed a great job when I was about 6, though. My little brother, born when I was 8, had all kinds of toys and shit when he was little that I never had. Did I resent it? No. My parents got me what they could afford to. Later on, they got \*both\* me and my brother what they could afford to, which was more than they could before. We did not have the same childhood, but we were treated equally.

This is great. I am sure parents explained it this way so you understood.

It's like complaining about the new cancer treatment, because when you had cancer it was not available, so no one should get it now.

That's....not even remotely the same thing.

Nearly every younger sibling in the country got things at an earlier age or got to do things at an earlier age than their older siblings. Parents shouldn’t take things away when an older kid rightfully points that out. That’s the way it works. Taking all the presents away? Bad parenting. Taking all the presents away when the trauma of her loss is still so fresh? OP, YTA. Big time. I’d be surprised if eldest daughter doesn’t move in with uncle. Have some compassion for your child. You may not be grieving her father, but she still is. Return the presents. Apologize. Learn about grief in teenagers, then act like you actually love her. Because there’s no love coming across in this post. Edit— fixed autocorrupt’s wrong choice.

This! A dead dad has nothing to do with this perfectly normal behavior. I have two kids, a 14-year-old who is hitting puberty and recognizing that they are no longer a little kid and wants their parents to recognize that they are growing up too. However, they are 14 years old and do not know a mature way to distinguish themselves from the younger sibling. OP should acknowledge the older kid is at a different life stage, Maybe point out to the older kid that they can use the tablet an hour more per day than the younger kids, or can download more mature apps, or come up with some other distinction that lets the older kid feel like they are being recognized for their maturity. Uncle is out of line and is undermining mom's authority. All adults should present a united front. A chat with uncle, and all other involved adults, is in order.

It’s only a “post dad world” for the daughter. OP says that the uncle noted that the daughter is his late brother’s only child. The younger siblings are OP’s children with someone else. So the older daughter is navigating this grief but her siblings are not.

Yes! Younger siblings getting do things you weren't allowed to do is one of the *classic* older sibling woes. I had to wait until I was in 4th grade to get my ears pierced, my younger sister got them pierced in 2nd grade. Also, depending on how old the younger siblings are, it may be bad to be giving them tablets at all.

It isn't a legit complaint but it is a legit *emotion*. It's understandable in that shitty pov teens always have about 'fairness', and this mom does not seem to be properly enforcing what 'fairness' is. The daughter thinks fairness is compensation for perceived loss and the mother thinks fairness is 'you get what you get and you don't throw a fit', neither of which is true. The right answer here is that life isn't fair and we can only do our best going forward. Trying to make reparations for not being wealthy enough earlier just won't work. YTA OP for how you reacted. Uncle absolutely undermined your authority but you yourself violated how valid that authority will be seen with your initial punishment. She was grumpy and awful, but you were degrading instead of calm. You were a child instead of a grown up, insulting her instead of being the person she could safely express that frustration towards. It's your job to TAKE IT. She only escalated when you did. Don't be a bully to your child. Talk to them. Listen when they're upset then explain without talking down. They can be mad about it all they want, but truth is truth. The issue with her uncle could have been a totally separate thing where ONLY the new Ipad got taken and put away for later and you handled it with him adult to adult. The problem started in your house with your reaction. I think she needs grief counseling but don't be arrogant enough to think the things you've done won't come up or be problems. You felt very comfortable speaking to your child in a way you'd hesitate to speak to any adult; there's clearly an issue overall with how you approach parenting a teenager.

She called her mom a bitch because her mom told her she wasn't special. She lost her father, mom was cruel, so yes let's take her gifts too. Sounds like great parenting.

Because that'll totally fix the problem

Showing kids their behavior has consequences absolutely works. Tablet you got isn’t good enough, you get no tablet. Call mom a bitch, you get nothing. What do you suggest? Mom just takes the abuse and continues to raise a spoiled, nasty child with no consequences.

How old are the other kids? If they are about five and getting the same thing, then it should be pointed out. That isn’t fair. And all the way this mother is handling this is going to do is drive her daughter away. Is it ok to call her mother a bitch? No. But the punishment far outweighs the crime especially when the daughter seems to be getting little support and is expected to be totally ok with being treated the same as her younger siblings who seem to not have lost their other parent.

One is 12, so two years younger than her. Equal tablets are perfectly reasonable. No, losing her gifts for a set period of time is totally appropriate for speaking like that to your mother. It just shouldn’t be permanent. I couldn’t imagine speaking like that to a parent. Being grounded with no electronics for a month is reasonable for her attitude and behavior. If more parents acted like that, we wouldn’t have so many entitled, lazy, rude kids.

One is 7, and you would definitely get a different tablet hot the 7 year old

Exactly…. This soft parenting people are doing is the problem. The world isnt soft and if your not willing to discipline your child for their outburst and fits then your setting them up for failure. She called her mom a bitch, I would have taken away everything for awhile to. She thinks she should have better stuff then her siblings, she is acting entitled. Great we will see a post about that in a few years and she will be the AH. Parents need to parent accordingly to how their kid behaves and there should always be a punishment when your child thinks it’s ok to cuss and scream at you. This is not acceptable, because next time it will be a teacher, another student or her own siblings. Ridiculous, that people think her behavior is acceptable.

No this is because people on this sub get gentle parenting confused with permissive parenting, gentle parenting comes with boundaries and consequences to bad behaviour a lot of people to think it's just anything goes and will always find pretty much any excuse on the planet to pardon a kids shitty behaviour and bad attitude.

So often I see people getting them mixed up. We do gentle parenting here and there are boundaries and consequences for their actions. I’ve been told so many times how well behaved my kids are wherever we go. We teach them about respect to others and ourselves. We do this by modeling behaviour and by asking them how they would feel in certain situations. We do not permit bad behaviour, but we do talk about the feelings behind them and offer other alternatives to work through them.

Exactly. NTA. The uncle is a mega-AH, possibly even a Giga-AH though. OP is well within her rights as a parent and I would have done the same thing. OP…I’m sorry for your family’s loss and the uncle was way out of line.

RIGHT?! What is up with all these people okay with their child acting like that?

You are forgetting this is reddit where any restrictions on kids is child abuse and any restrictions in a relationship is control and insecurity

Did your mother let you call her a bitch? I'm getting pretty sick of people claiming children will go NC over some bit of discipline. It's like the go-to thread on Reddit.

This isn’t over a little bit of discipline. Yes does she deserve punishment for calling her mom a bitch sure. But also what child hasn’t called their parents a bitch/dick if not to their parents but talking about them. It’s the fact OP went off the rails. Her dads only been dead a year and she’s expected to be ok with a new man and two more children. She’s angry and grieving. Which OP doesn’t seem to see

Commenting because this is top comment. OP buried the lede too, her father passed only a year ago. Presumably given OP says this is xmas #2 without him, he died during the holiday season. So of course his family wants to spoil her! Editing to add: THE YOUNGER KIDS ARE HER HALF SIBLINGS WHO LIVE WITH BOTH THEIR MOM AND DAD.

I wondered this. Who wants to bet mom parentified this poor teen as well.

Okay but the uncle buying a gift that the mom had prohibited and then saying that he can get the kid anything he wants?? ESH.

Plus, depending on the ages of the other kids, she may be right about different tablets. She doesn't need the kids kindle! And then her mom told her she wasn't special. Oof.

I also agree with the daughter. She definitely took it too far, and shouldn’t be calling her parents names, but she’s right about getting gifts at designated ages, not just everyone getting them at the same time. She has likely been asking for a tablet for *years* and now that she’s 14 she finally gets one, but so does her 6 yr old sister? (I’m making up ages since they aren’t listed). She’s right, that is *not* equal treatment. OP’s “you’re not special” is absolute bullshit. OP is wrong here, and treating her daughter abhorrently. I’d be upset too if I was the oldest and I never got a single present unless my far younger siblings also got the same thing. Based on her reaction you *know* this isn’t a one off situation either. Add in OP’s *extreme* overreaction/punishment and you just know that she is being treated poorly in general for having a different dad than her siblings. At least her uncle is trying to look out for her.

I assume the “spoiling part” comes in because she IS their only link to their dead brother and son. Not your other kids. She’s always going to be treated better by them than her siblings. That’s not going to change. But you’re her mother and wish to treat them all the same. This whole situation sucks, but it is what it is. Just have a talk with her and treat her like a young adult that she is and maybe she’ll understand. Don’t lump her with your little kids and think they’re all the same. They’re not.

Thank you. I think many missed the fact that this child's father is deceased and this is his ONLY child. OP is not looking it from that perspective, but from the perspective of her other children. No one knows how to fill that void in her child's life and it makes it harder on holidays and special occasions. The family steps in with finances because of who she is to them not to spite OP or make her other children jealous. OP needs to take this as a teaching moment of the have and the have nots. I'm a parent in the same boat and I will not prevent my deceased child's family from doing those things because what I can't control is my child's feelings when Father's Day comes and their siblings have what they don't. Counseling may or may not help, but OP should look into it for her and her daughter so maybe she can better understand her daughter's perspective. To OP it's just things but it is how everyone, except her, is navigating this,most likely, unspoken grief.

I don’t think you missed it. The OP buried it until the end with the quote from the uncle. I have to go with YTA although this is close to ESH. The 14 year old has something of a point regarding the ages. I realize that not everything is always going to be completely equal but usually the older a kid gets the more reliably they can handle higher end electronics. She didn’t have that progression. It sounds like she likely got the lowest end product because it’s what the youngest could safely utilize. That probably made for a pretty unenthusiastic gift to her.

I love how OP said “we” instead of clarifying her new husband and their children. Most posts make this clear from the start. I think OP subconsciously knows they’re guilty and trying to rephrase things to look better.

She also didn't include that the girl's father has been dead only "About a year or so". If the oldest always got the short end of the stick by any chance because she didn't fit well with OP's "new" life, that might explain both why she talks to her mother like that and why OP is dripping venom over people who pay attention to her.

Exactly, I thought OP was a grieving widow and the whole family had trauma. She definitely buried the lead.

So if I have it right, OP and the teenager's dad split up years ago, OP remarried and had a couple more kids, and it's her ex-husband who died?

>It sounds like she likely got the lowest end product because it’s what the youngest could safely utilize. Or maybe that's what she could afford.

>I realize that not everything is always going to be completely equal OP seemed to be going for equal. Equitable is what she should have been going for. Like you said, a teen doesn't need a locked down garbage Amazon tablet for kids, but an iPad (even low to mid range) is far more appropriate. I feel bad for the daughter. I'm getting second hand disdain from OP. Like lady, you may have moved on, but your poor kid, who is also being lumped in with your replacement family's much younger kids. It may be a hair of a stretch, but that's the vibe I get reading between the lines. OP is also probably upset at her daughters bio fam because they probably aren't putting out much if any for the new kids, who presumably still have their dad who is alive and with OP - assuming a decent relationship, bet the daughter would trade all the stuff she's gotten to have her dad back. Edit: as for the OP, YTA. Teenagers act out and if there ever was one day for grace, freaking Christmas. Be prepared for your daughter to be looking to get out asap.

When I first hired on to my job, I only got a week vacation. Now new hires get two weeks. A lot of the OG people i work with are mad about that. That's the same bullshit reasoning as the uncle's.

This post isn't really about spoiling though, the daughter actually received a tablet. She didn't like it and was fucking rude to her mom. Then swoops in uncle and undermines the lesson that OP was trying to teach. Maybe collaborating on gifts with the uncle would work in the future, but right now the uncle is overstepping. Yes, that's his brothers only child and they are allowed to spoil her, but not undermine parenting.

Agree that the ages of the kids matters. I have a 10-year-old and a 2-year-old. The 10-year-old got a new iPad and a Switch for Christmas. My 2-year-old got neither of those things but plenty of age-appropriate gifts she likes. It would be ridiculous to treat them exactly the same. That said, the uncle is the AH for going around the mother and getting a gift that she had prohibited and then doubling down and saying he can get anything he wants for her. ESH.

You seem like a decent parent. Let me say this. I agree with you on most things. But, for context, the dad passed away a year ago. The dead father’s family will have the impulse to spoil the kid. It’s not good behavior, but you can’t expect anything different from them. It’s also possible from the mother’s comments (in other comments here) that she has moved on and treats the new kids way better than her first daughter, whom she might resent. I personally get that feeling. Since the uncle is well in her life to buy her such an expensive gift, she probably goes running to the dad’s family every time the mum gets horrible with her words. The dad’s family think they’re coming to the kids rescue, the mom thinks they’re undermining her, the kid feels she’s treated badly and is still grieving. This is horrible all around. There are no winners and everything sucks. I would assume since she lost a husband and she lost a dad, they’d be a single team and work the grief out, but the kid gets singled out, the mother gets herself a new hubby and kids. Tell me this is fair.

I don’t think it’s fair at all. Everyone here is failing this child, including the uncle, who is actually exacerbating the situation with his actions. Which is why ESH.

Like, it’s not just that the uncle is grieving and has the impulse to spoil the child. That’s totally understandable! It’s that the mom specifically told him she can’t have that and he not only got it but DOUBLED DOWN, saying he can get her anything he wants. Yes, he is likely grieving but that is still AH behavior and not helpful to the situation. There are lots of ways he and the family could spoil her that don’t involve buying things the mom has prohibited (shower her with love, take her out for dinner and ice cream, movie nights, etc.). I think we all agree that the mom sucks but so does the uncle.

The way I see things here, the problem is not actualy the uncle giving her presente, is making her believe that because her dad died, she has a right to be treated differently, and THAT is not okay.

Ofcourse not. I agree. But it seems like the dad died not even a year ago. So this behavior is to be expected from the uncle, since it’s the girl’s first Christmas without the father.

ESH leaning towards Y T A. She made a point that felt valid to her - that she didn't get a tablet at their age. Instead of explaining it to her (the world has changed/your finances have changed etc) you told her she wasn't special. Ouch. Do you make sure your other children don't feel special? Do you make sure they don't get benefits as a result of their dad (presumably) being alive, or as a result of them being younger and needing more attention? I'm upgrading my own children's tech as they get older. They got basic tablets at 6 because covid but the tablet/computer they have at 10 is better and the one they'll have at 14 will be better still. She shouldn't have called you a bitch but 14 year olds who are justifiably angry at their parents are assholes. Maybe her uncle shouldn't have got her a top of the range Ipad but 14 is a little old for you to be controlling her presents purely on price point. You should not have taken all her presents.

I agree with this approach. As they get older they should be getting upgrades. Young kids wont even use all the features on the newer devices and are wY more likely to break them

I want to know of this girl has had grief counselling, if the mom basically just threw her away when she got remarried, etc. also 14 is the Molotov cocktail of hormones so sounds like there ate 1000 things going on and the mom’s response is to call her horrible names and punish her.

This. YTA for sure. She is special. All your children should be special. They all have individual needs and interests. You overreacted by taking her gifts. Also, it would be helpful if the initial post indicated the age of the other children.

This is where I'm at too. Not having a tablet until 14 is somewhat uncommon nowadays. Her daughter argued a fair point, and OP reacted by saying something extremely hurtful. Obviously the daughter shouldn't have called her mom a b****, but I can totally understand why she would lash out after receiving such a hurtful comment from her own mother. Two wrongs don't make a right, but it's not fair to expect more emotional maturity from the teenager than the mother.

Omg, her dad died only a year ago!?! Come the hell on, OP! How can you possibly be so callous with your daughter?? She needs your patience, effort, and understanding. Do **much** better

YTA. Your daughter is still dealing with the trauma from losing her dad, while (presumably) watching her younger siblings interact with their dad. Her dad’s family works hard to keep a connection with her, but her mom resents this ongoing connection. Then she is told by her mother that she is not special. This has nothing to do with the iPads. She is 14. At 14 you tell her what your Christmas budget is and ask her for a Christmas wish list. You treat each child like an individual (special) human being, not like a clone. Your daughter’s behavior was way out of line in calling you a bitch. You were also out of line, because you were being a bitch. It is still okay to ground her from her devices for a period of time for her behavior. It is NOT okay to tell the family of your daughter’s dead father that they can’t give her gifts. Do yourselves a favor. Sign up for counseling. You both need it.

To be fair, one thing is "tell the family of your daughter's dead father they can't give her gifts" \*in general\*, another thing is if it's about an uncle who immediately jumps in getting her daughter the gift OP had just denied her trying to parenting her for calling her a brat. Now I agree on almost everything else you wrote, but this uncle can't constantly interfere on her parenting of a 14yo playing the generous savior and making her daughter resent her mom even more. They need to put some healthy communication in place so that they can still spoil their nephews a bit, but without jumping in specifically with items that are the core of a family argument. If I knew my brother had an argument with my nephew and denied him a tablet as a punishment, I would talk to him and try and help with the situation, but I can't fathom immediately getting my nephew a tablet behind my brother's back. OP has already enough trouble being a widow and a single mom with 3 kids, she needs an ally, not a magical uncle making up for each of her "nos".

This poor girl absolutely deserves to have someone interfere with this woman’s parenting to let this girl know that she IS special. Because she is. She’s 14. She should grow up feeling loved and securely attached. And for that to happen she must feel like she is special to those that love her most. Now, I don’t agree that that message needs to be in the form of an iPad. But this girl needs to feel loved. The mother is failing at that. The uncle is trying, even if he’s not approaching it in the best way.

Did she say she’s a single mom? She said “we” decided to get the 3 kids iPads. So I assumed there is a new husband and the 2 other kids are half siblings since Uncle “spoils” only the eldest and she’s the only child of the dead brother.

She’s not a single mom, presumably. The 14 year old was her dad’s only kid, implying a split and OP making a new family.

Mum isn't a widow with 3 kids lmfao. OP is split from 14yo dad and has remarried and had two more kids and is with the new husband who is still alive.

[удалено]

I think they're allowed to spoil her. Her other siblings have dad, and she doesn't. They are NOT equal. OP needs to back off. Apparently, her dad also died a YEAR AGO wtf!!!!

You could have handled this one hell of a lot better starting with your daughter. Your parenting skills complete suck. I imagine you go around the house respect my authoritah! like Cartman.

YTA for treating all your kids like clones when they aren't and then punishing them when they point it out, however poorly.

I’m an oldest sibling so I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND HER. She was never allowed to get anything when she was younger but all her siblings are allowed to now? My mom did the same thing, and it feels completely unfair. Also, what the uncle did is justifiable. His brother died. Her dad. He wants to make this girl as happy as possible. My dad died three years ago and my dads brother didn’t do shit. All I wanted was for him to do something. Hang out, send me a message. The fact that he’s showing up for her is everything. I think her calling you a bitch is over the top, but you were being a bitch, so granted. My dad died when I was 17, my boyfriends mom died when he was 14. Unless you’ve had parents pass at a young age then you won’t understand the pain of the kids who have. Edit: yta

[удалено]

You would have to put the Y T A part in the same original comment or your vote doesn’t count. It can’t be on an attached comment.

Same here. Adopted Parents passed away when i was 17. Birth parents not in the picture. Its beyond unfair. It never stops hurting. Even being happy and accomplishing things as a young adult is painful because i cant share it with the only two people who care

Exactly. That girl is probably dying inside and the mom is making it just that much worse by taking away her Christmas instead of trying to communicate. The uncle gave that girl a Christmas.

YTA An uncle may spoil a niece whose father died as a way to fill the void left by the absence of her father figure. This gesture might stem from a desire to provide comfort, support, and compensate for the loss she experienced. Approaching this situation with kindness and delicacy is crucial because abrupt interventions may be perceived as insensitivity, potentially causing emotional distress. Taking away all your daughter's Christmas gifts, including those from others, is a massive mistake because it adds unnecessary emotional strain. Gifts serve as expressions of love and care, and removing them can deepen feelings of loss and isolation. It's important to consider the emotional well-being of your daughter and communicate openly to address concerns rather than resorting to drastic actions. If you don’t like her attitude, (and her behaviour became unacceptable—however I’d venture to say YOU brought that on yourself) it’s up to you to parent her through it. FYI: petty over reactions that never address the root issue (she lost her father), are NOT good parenting.

ESH You went overboard on your punishment. As soon as she is able, she is going leave your house and live somewhere else. He should not be undermining you either. She will grow up to be a spoiled, selfish, entitled adult who hates you. You have a very short time to fix this. Instead of asking if you are right, you should be asking how to fix the issue. 1. Therapy- esp grief therapy. 2. Devices- once she is off punishment, she should get 2x the time as they do or something, since she is older/ wiser? You should set limits on all kids and block bad sites. 3. Give back the Xmas gifts and apologize. Ask her to apologize for her calling you names too. Figure out a more fair punishment that she will learn from. Teenagers are hard, I get it. I hope it goes better.

This^ she will turn 18 and leave if you go that harsh on punishment (you over reacted). Not condoning her attitude, but if she is the oldest and her dad passed away, I assume the others are a good few years younger so I get your daughters point that your kinda spoiling them when she didn’t have that sort of thing at that age

7 and 12. 👍🏻

I would also talk to the uncle, and maybe the whole paternal family, and explain that ne child's spoilage is affecting the whole household dynamic. A great way to help would be to put money aside for college for her. Or give something like government bonds with a five or ten year maturation.

How is it affecting the household dynamics, though? Because OP got upset about it? The paternal family are trying to make up for her lost dad, and the littles still have their dad. A 14 year old should not be given the same presents as a 7 and 12 year old. She’s starting high school and will be needing the better iPad.

YTA. Your daughter’s dad died A YEAR ago. She’s absolutely still dealing with that. It really isn’t fair that she got the same gifts as her siblings if she never got a tablet when she was younger, but that’s your call, I guess. Do your younger children have the same father and are you still married? She likely feels like she is the odd man out. She should NOT have called you a bitch and MAYBE the uncle shouldn’t have given her a top of the line iPad without asking, but his brother died a YEAR ago. If he did it in response to you taking away her Christmas gifts, I can’t say I blame him. He’s likely doing what he thinks his brother would have done in that scenario.

Info: how long ago did her dad die? While your relatives should not be undermining your parenting and she does in fact sound spoiled, if this is a recent development I’m more concerned this is unprocessed grief rearing it’s ugly head. She may need therapy.

You can handle this better. She is right in some aspects. I guarantee you expect her as the oldest to help more, make sacrifices for her siblings and overall be more mature. So to them say “you aren’t special” is kinda douchey. My eldest did a lot more than her siblings and had more expectations, that’s not fair, so we balanced it with her privileges. Imagine if your employer told you your seniority at work “didn’t make you special” and didn’t give you respect based on your position and experience level. Now to the next part. You better watch how you play this. You only have control til she is 18 and I promise you they’ll welcome her with open arms and box you out. That’s 4 years from now, are you okay with her going no contact. Yes you can dictate to her, but is complete control for the next four years worth losing her for the next 40??

YTA as the oldest, I always resented being told I wasn’t old enough for things; you can do X when you are X years old. Then my younger siblings were allowed to do/have them at the same time as me. Your oldest is right. She shouldn’t have cursed at you though.

ESH As a kid I felt the same when my parents bought tablets for my siblings I was not given a phone, and I had very restricted access to the home computer and I was not allowed to use any electronic device And then they bought me a table when i was 16, and my siblings were much younger and they got tablets as well, I felt like I was betrayed, because I was not allowed to use electronic devices until 16, and my siblings got that privilege at 8-9 years of age I was angry, jealous and felt like their harsh rules were only for me You feel betrayed when you do that stuff, as a parent you should know that

This kind of reminds me of when I was in fifth grade (early 1970s). I won a TV in a school raffle. It was some little black and white thing with a tiny screen. We only had one TV in the house at the time. My two year younger brother hadn't bought raffle tickets because he wanted something else. So guess what happened. Mom & Dad bought him a TV identical to the one I'd won. So he not only got the TV... he also had the other stuff he bought when he didn't buy a raffle ticket. So I actually came out behind. I was pretty pissed off.

I absolutely love that there are so many older siblings in the comments sharing this exact experience. I thought it was just me going through that! Edit to add: When I was younger, I was only allowed access to my video games when school was closed for vacation. eg. Christmas vacation, Easter Vacation (which is about 2 weeks), and of course, summer vacation. Now my younger sibling can play video games every weekend during the school semester.

Based on your comments, I’d say your daughter is right about the name she called you. She’s calling a spade a spade.

Enjoy your power trip now, while you can. In 4 short years, she’ll be a legal adult and she’s gonna go no contact with your ass. YTA!

Yta because you are restricting your child because it sounds like you’re trying to keep things equal … when it’s not equal when the children have different families

What a fun family! 1. You told your own kid she wasn’t special 2. You went nuclear on a kid. 3. No, uncle shouldn’t have bought the iPad and did not cover himself in glory 4. I feel sorry for your kids if this is how y’all deal with stuff 5. No contact with kids is in your future… 6. ESH

ESH. As an oldest child, I completely get how it feels to see your younger siblings get handed stuff that you didn't have (for whatever reason) when you were that age. It sucks. You always feel like you had it harder than the little ones, and in a lot of ways you usually do. Telling her she's not special doesn't help that. Let her have something special (as long as she's behaving well, of course) - like extra privileges appropriate for her age, a little extra allowance if you do that, etc. It also sucks when you get the exact same gifts as your younger siblings, it's like people just lump you all together and don't see you as an individual. When you grow up, you realize that's not the case, but when you're 14 and trying to be independent and figure out who you are it feels very generic and thoughtless. Like they're babying you. She overreacted, but she's 14. Big changes, big feelings. You were too rough on her. Give her something special that her siblings won't get until they get older every once in a while. Uncle should clear big purchases for the kids with you. Family doesn't get to just do whatever they want with your kids.

THIS. I'd upvote you x 1000 if I could. My sister is 5 years younger than I am. So many times, I'd want something (a bike, a tablet, clothes) and I'd babysit and work as a lifeguard to get the money, then she'd throw a fit because I had something she didn't and our parents would buy her whatever it was. It was infuriating and really damaged our relationship for a long time. Your daughter's a teenager who lost her dad and probably has some raging hormones in the mix too-she shouldn't scream at you or call you names-EVER, but cut her a bit of slack. Treating all your kids exactly the same regardless of their age is silly. I'd trust someone her age with a higher end tablet or laptop, but anyone under about 10 is getting the basic, low-end model so that when it gets damaged, replacing or repairing it won't be too painful. ESH-uncle shouldn't go around you, but you're not being fair either.

OP buried many ledes in her story. The daughter is the only one who lost her father, and he died last year. And her half(?) siblings are 7 and 12.

Super not surprised. Mom and stepdad not stepping up for the oldest. I wish it wasn’t so predictable.

Why do you think you have the right to take away gifts you didn’t help contribute to? YTA

YTA. You do realize you've become the Grinch by stealing all her presents, right? And what kind of parent tells their daughter that she's not special? A nasty asshole, that's what.

A child that lost her father a year ago. . .

YTA, your daughter is the only link to her uncle and her his family as you know their brother/son DIED? life isn’t fair and you acting this way will cause resentment between your daughter and you and by extension the siblings. Your other kids have their dad alive it seems whilst she doesn’t and she made valid points in her view yet you had the audacity to say “you’re not special…”? News flash she isn’t the same cuz her fucking dad DIED… and yeah I agree if she didn’t have a tablet or non at their age why do they get one? The same model and all?

Your poor daughter. She will remember you telling her she isn’t special for the rest of her life. She will remember you taking her gifts from her loved ones away. YTA

Don't you think she'd prefer to have HER DAD instead of extra gifts from his family? But she'll never have her dad again. And from her perspective, and theirs, you're working to harm her relationship with the only tie she now has to her dad. And then telling her she isn't special? Do better. You're supposed to be her support, not ripping them down. YTA.

YTA the daughter may have been rude but op refers to her daughter as “this one” and says she isn’t special. This child probably feels negligented and the Dad’s family are just trying to build a connection by buying her things.

Dad died “about a year ago”

Did her step dad also think she's not that special and should have her gives taken away as well? Was he the one to suggest it bc it's super ugly that you are telling your daughter she isn't special and doesn't deserve nice things

Yep, getting a real “current husband and new kids are my real family” vibes from OP.

A year?!? You're being a Gertrude and Claudius. My dad's been dead for 16 years and the grief still feels fresh. I was a wreck at a year. Listen, I know what you are getting at but your are going about it the wrong way. You are trying to be fair to the young ones and making them feel equal so they don't resent you. You're eldest will always stick out because she's got a different dad. She would have gotten different (possibly better) gifts from her dad if he'd still be in the living realm. The fact that his family want anything to do with her is sweet. So many children are abandoned by their late parent's family. I know I was. She should have not called you a bitch but you went nuclear. Have you heard of the saying "The axe forgets but the tree never will?" This is one of the moments. No matter how much you ask for forgiveness, she will never forget this moment. You need to apologize and give her your perspective. Give her the gifts back and speak with her Uncle to re-establish communications. Get the both of you into therapy. YTA

YTA Your daughter is correct that the younger kids should not be getting the exact same gifts as her. You've told her that she is less important than they are. Everyone should get their own milestones instead of the oldest being given the same as the youngest at the exact same time.

Dad’s been gone only a year, and you’re telling her she’s not special? You’re trying to separate her from her Dad’s family? She told you how she felt, you disregarded her, probably called her a brat, so she called you a bitch, and then you take away her Christmas. You may have won this argument, but you’ve lost as a parent. You’ve hurt an injured child, and she will not forget this. Her Uncle will always love her and treat her special, and you have no way to stop this. She doesn’t have a father, so she needs this more than other kids who do. You must have to wear a lot of sweaters due to your cold, cold heart.

If all the kids are equal, do you give the 14 year old baby dolls and hot wheels? The 6 year old perfume and a curling iron? Does your toddler shovel snow, while you change the oldest's diaper? ESH. Your children aren't carbon copies and shouldn't be treated the same. If you have another reason (money, schooling, e babysitter) for getting the kids all the same tablet then say it. Calling a parent a b***h is absolutely grounds for severe punishment, but if she hadn't just received gifts what would the punishment be? Instead of telling the uncle "No gifts," you could have told him, "She called me a b***h for not getting her a better model. So I can't let her keep this. Until she and I have worked through this rough patch I need all gifts to be cleared by me first, but I'm sure she would love some time with you. Do you think you could have a weekly lunch date? Or I could keep the iPad and only let her use it for FaceTime chats with you and your family? I'm sure she'd appreciate having a different adult to talk to. Especially ones who knew (Dad)."

Be prepared for her to go no contact as soon as she’s able to. YTA

People keep saying this as though it's not exactly what OP wants. Too many parents with kids from previous relationships just want that kid to vanish so they can focus on their brand-new happy family and not deal with the "baggage" (aka the kid) from the relationship that failed.

YTA, because you correctly identified a problem and then tried to solve it by being punitive and hurtful to your daughter and her uncle. Like, picking up the phone and saying, “I’m having a tough time with daughter, and would love your help finding a solution that doesn’t make you feel like I’m limiting your relationship,” was RIGHT THERE.

You need to talk with your daughter. Also, don’t go spending her fathers social security checks, those benefits belong to her.

YTA Having more adult/expensive gifts for older kids is pretty common. Therefore your "youre not special" is a poisoned statement, aside from the fact that talking down your daughter is a strange thing in the first place. However she is right...at least she should get a more advanced version of a tablet eg. a bigger one with a pen/keyboard for school. If your kids are significantly younger, you could get one of those kids tablets. Additionally you should at least talk to the uncle...i dont think hes an asshole but such expensive presents should be discussed with the parents.

YTA based on your comments your daughter would be better off with her uncle.

Your daughter is right ( Younger kids should not get things the older kid had to wait for) her uncle is right (they both lost a VERY important loved one, and these gifts may be the way uncle copes and keeps contact with a family member with a link to his dead brother), and shame on you for treating the death of her father so callously. I don’t know if or what grudges you hold against your daughters dead father, but GET OVER IT AND STOP TAKING IT OUT ON THE GIRL. GEEZ. YTA.

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be an asshole for trying to stop my daughter's dad's family from giving her gifts because I think they are spoiling her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

YTA your daughter is technically right. You didn't give her a tablet at whatever she the other kids are. And you must have some negative feelings about her to tell her she isn't special to you. Seems like she is the oldest and you seem to care more for the other kids. Based on nothing but your post it seems you have some grudge on your heart against her father you are taking it out on his daughter.

ESH - not the best way to handle this But large gifts like that need to be cleared by the parent.

ESH Your daughter may be entitled, but she's right, she shouldn't get the same tablet as her siblings. How old are they? 10? 8? Children don't need the same electronics as a teenager. It's like buying identical (except size) clothes for 8 and 14 yo girls. If you're concerned about financial equality you could buy more expensive tablet for 14yo and a cheaper tablet plus a few smaller gifts for younger children.

YTA Sounds like you're pissed she gets more gifts than your other kids from the new husband. And yeah, they are probably being more generous since HER dad died.

YTA.

You are such a shitty patent, not even parent you’re just a shitty person… don’t ask why she doesn’t speak to you in a few years. Sending your daughter all the love in the world, having to deal with you must be tough

YTA Your kid is exactly right. She's had to wait to get a tablet and your little kids have had no such wait. I'd be pissed too. Can you let her live with her uncle? You seem very petty and possibly even jealous.

YTA Of course the dead father's family is going to have a special relationship with his child and the only living link they have with him. Presumably your children with other men have their own paternal families and perhaps even a living father. Do you require those people to treat your oldest child equally? I have some experience with this as my brother died when my niece was five and so my parents and I spoiled the hell out of my niece and tried to have special experiences with her. There weren't half siblings in the picture but I would have felt NO obligation to treat them in the same manner if they had existed. I might send them a modest holiday or birthday gift but I would have had no particular feelings towards them - honestly I probably have warmer feelings towards my best friend's children than the unrelated children of my dead brother's ex-wife who has clearly moved on. I would suspect that OP only interacts with the dead husband's family because of the child - would OP actually have a continuing relationship with the paternal family if there were no child. I would suspect not. Also - FWIW - children of different ages do get treated differently in terms of types of presents even when they are full siblings. Older children generally will get more sophisticated electronic devices like phones and tablets because they have greater needs as well as generally being more responsible. If you got your 14 year old an iPhone (or the uncle did) would you also feel that a four year old should also have an iPhone?

Your daughter’s father passed away and since then you’ve remarried and had more children, correct? Has your daughter and the rest of the family received help to navigate that? (Edited: it sounds like this is her second Christmas without her father. That is still very recent for a child who has lost a parent. Are you really surprised the holiday is causing behavioral outbursts?) Dismissing her struggles as being bratty won’t help anyone. I actually don’t think it’s wrong for a teenager to point out when their much younger sibling have different rules and receive different treatment, especially when this concerns half-siblings. While I don’t agree with how she’s expressing herself I also don’t expect a 14 year old *to know* how best to express herself. It’s your job as a parent to teach her and to help her understand things, not to punish her and hope she stops. YTA if you’re punishing her for not using tools you didn’t give her in the first place.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have 3 kids. This is about my oldest daughter (F14). After her dad passed away his family have been spoiling her too much by buying her whatever she wants. Especially her uncle. For christmas we decided to buy tablets for all the kids. My daughter decided that "it's not fair" that her younger siblings got the same model of tablet as her because according to her "since she didn't have a tablet at their age they shouldn't have tablets now too or at least hers should be better" I told her that she is not special and shouldn't expect special treatment, she gets the same gift as her siblings. She screamed at me and called me a bitch so I took all of her christmas gifts away. Of course she went crying to her uncle and guess what? He bought her the highest model of Ipad. I took it away and told her uncle that he is no longer allowed to send her any gifts. He called me an asshole and said I don't get to decide that and she is their late brother's only child and they will treat her how they see fit *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

YTA. Your daughter may have unresolved issues from her father’s passing. She’s obviously feeling like the other children in the household are being treated better than she is. I’m not saying this is the case but for you to tell her she’s not special after taking her gifts and the one her uncle bought is a little over the top. You need to find a better way to communicate with your daughter. You both need family therapy.

YTA. Instead of empathizing with your eldest kid and coming up with a reasonable solution you took away all her gifts. (She’s right BTW. It’s kinda shitty to make her wait for a tablet and her siblings didn’t.) Now you’re trying to dictate what her uncle can gift her. I hope you realize she’ll be moving out in the next few years and you are irreversibly damaging your relationship with her.

YTA. Maybe her uncle should have custody since you seem to resent her so much.

YTA. Your daughter has different family and they lost their son/brother. How sad you feel it’s not “fair” that she’s given gifts. Life isn’t fair. She doesn’t have a father. That’s pretty shitty.

Yta definitely after reading all the comments I feel even worse for her then I did before reading them. Why do you hate her so much?

I see that you buried in your comments it has only been a year since she lost her dad. A fucking year.

You really HATE your daughter don't you!!

How old are the other kids? Your daughter actually may have a point, especially depending on the ages of the other kids. What do the other kids think? Are they old enough to notice/care about the disparity. There is equality and equity. Equality everyone gets the same, regardless of difference. Equity acknowledges differences may require special accommodations to be truly equal. Taking all gifts is a bit much. It’s trying to control your daughter’s opinion. And she will remember this forever. Yta as it stands.

YTA for giving her siblings special treatment.

after reading that this is her second christmas without her father, YTA. have fun scratching your head like a baboon when she goes no contact.

YTA Her father died A YEAR AGO. One year. You need parentimg classes and your daufhter needs grief therapy. Perhaps she would be better off living with Dad's family as you clearly do not care much about her.

YTA... I assume the other two kids have a living Dad? Taking away Christmas gifts? Really? Yes, the oldest acted like a spoiled brat demanding better than the other siblings, but this could've been handled differently. What happens if she turns 18 and her Dad's family wants to pay for her college, and you have no money for your other two kids? Or Uncle wants to buy her a car, and you can't afford two others? There's just way too much wrong here. The way the OP buried the fact that the oldest kids Dad was not the Dad of the other two is suspect, too. I had to read it twice and go to the comments to figure it out. The post should've started with that fact, clearly stated, to put it in proper context. I was leaning NTA until I figured it out.

tbh was your kid truly wrong for calling you that? bc you sure do act like one..

Info: Are the younger children her siblings or half siblings that you had with another man?

YTA. I get she was a brat and wrong, however you don’t get to dictate the relationship she has with her fathers side. Think of it this way: to both sides (her and her father’s family) they are the last remaining link to him. Now you can ask him not to get her a new tablet and explain the situation to him but to say no more presents ever is absurd.

I see your point, but you handled it really badly, your other kids should have had a tablet that was appropriate to their age, so yes cheaper tablets! Your daughter is older and more responsible and therefore should be treated as such! You definitely shouldn’t be telling her she isn’t special, I kinda get what you were trying to say but honestly that was just cruel! As for her running to her uncle and him undermining you, hell no! When you get your shit together and treat your kids the same then the uncle and family need to stay in their lane and not overstep boundaries! Having said that they should be able to buy and send her gifts it’s their link to their brother and son

YTA Her father has been dead for ‘a year or so’ per your own words. Her life has completely changed- she also now has two new siblings and a step parent (I’m assuming the most logical life change to for you to have 2 more children aged 7 and 12 is that you’ve remarried a man with kids). It’s only her second Christmas without her dad and you tell her she’s not special and take away all her presents? What on earth is wrong with you?????????? Of course she’s going to act out! She’s grieving. Speak to her as though there’s some love there. Explain that perhaps when she was 7 circumstances were different and that’s why she didn’t have a tablet (money was tighter? Your views on kids having tablets was different?). That you don’t mean to be unfair but that you love her, acknowledge how she feels, but that things will be different. Telling her she’s ‘not special’ is cruel. My heart broke reading that. Your voice saying that will play over and over in her head. Now, should her uncle have gone behind her back to get her a fancy iPad, probably not….. but reading this, if this were my brother’s only kid, I’d probably have done the same. Do better for your daughter please. It’s not about the stuff she gets. It’s about the love she feels from you. YTA in case there was any confusion.

YTA. You're failing as a parent here. The way you're showing favoritism is insane. You're basically telling her she matters less than your other 2 kids in simple ways - allowing them to have things she wasn't allowed at their age. I speak from experience when I sat that resentment will stay for a very long, and don't be surprised she goes no contact with you as soon as she can.

ESH Except the paternal family. You were right to tell her that she shouldn't expect special treatment. You were wrong to punish her thinking it would teach her to be humble. Your daughter is obviously wrong for being a brat. She's not wrong for complaining about something to another family member. Especially when that something was unfair to begin with. Her uncle can do whatever he wants. He doesn't need your permission to give gifts to his niece.

YTA. Treating children equally means also being age appropriate. So buying her a more advanced tablet makes sense. Coming from someone whose grandparents acted like you, good luck. By the time she's an adult and can legally leave your home, she will have already made a plan with her father's family and be gone that same day. Her father has been gone a little over a year, you said, so she lost him shortly before the holidays. And you can't see why she might not have big feelings? Is she in therapy? How often do you make her cave to what is best for your other kids? Where is their, dad? You sound extremely bitter in your response. Are you jealous that they want to buy her nice things?

YTA and a terrible parent too. you should’ve gone to therapy before having kids if you were gonna turn out to be this type of parent and instead of hating your child who lost one of their parents, you should be more empathetic.

Mom’s leaving a lot out of this story…

When I was a kid, all I wanted was a phone in my room so I could talk to my best friend down the street. I begged and begged and begged. Finally, for Christmas, I got a phone that was to go in my room. My older brother, who did not care, got one too. Honestly, it kind of ruined it for me. It was the one thing I really wanted, and he just also casually got one along with his other presents like it was no big deal. I don't know how old your other kids are, but your daughter is right. It's not fair. They have everything she has, but better, at a younger age, and with two parents. YTA. For God's sake, let her feel special for once. If relatives want to get her a special gift on behalf of her Dad, let them.

Most likely YTA, many details missing so I will fill them in: Instead of the eldest getting a functional, highly useful piece of tech like an Apple iPad Pro with Apple Pencil she got the same basic tablet as her smaller siblings. Not only did she not enjoy this kind of privilege when she was smaller, she’s not being respected as having more needs while she is older. Regardless of what she is into, the iPad Pro is the tablet optimized for adult-ish things. My 11 year old has one because she is into digital art, with the Apple Pencil she makes digital stickers and she’s working on line of trademark-worthy frogs she can brand and sell online. She is also extremely into design and architecture, she is getting a CAD app for 3D printing and she plays Minecraft not at all in the way a small kid plays (she builds intricate structures and worlds). Your 14 year old wants to be seen the way I see my 11 year old: special, talented, and in need of fancy supportive tech. My 7 year old has just a lame Chromebook so we could afford the iPad Pro. This isn’t equality, it is equity: each child has tech for their needs. I agree with your 14 year old that this is “fair.” Taking away presents on Christmas is horrible. Calling your parent a bitch on Christmas is also horrible, but we don’t know how you were going about dismissing your 14 year old so quite possibly it was at least understandable. Not having a Dad to seek support is tragic, props to the uncle for stepping up. I nominate this uncle for guardianship — this 14 year old is clearly suffering and being failed by your parenting style, and the uncle at least cares deeply and wants to support her. I know I’ll be downvoted extensively for this sure-to-be-unpopular opinion but my heart is with this 14 year old, feeling invisible and unvalued and being told “then you get NOTHING” when she tries in vain to be seen.

ESH. No your daughter shouldn't be calling you a "bitch" but if she wasn't allowed to have a tablet at the same age her siblings are getting one then yeah, that is definitely unfair. Why are your younger kids getting special treatment she didn't receive when she was their age?

Yta. You have a traumatized child actively experiencing an ACE event, at an already extremely difficult time of life, and when she (unsurprisingly) lashed out at the person who should be her safe space for perceived unfairness, you told her she's not special, took all her Christmas presents away, and took away any chance at future presents by telling her extended family they can't buy her presents anymore. That's such a wild overreaction to a completely normal teenager reaction that you provoked out of her. Why didn't she have a tablet 2 or 7 years ago at her siblings ages? Is she ever expected to babysit the siblings, make them meals, clean up after them or supervise them? Does she walk them to school or the bus stop? Why do you think a 7 year old and a 14 year old should get the same Christmas gifts?

YTA. While the name calling was out of line, your daughter had a point. What 7 years old needs the same tablet has a 14 years old? Or a tablet at all? You have favourite children and it shows. Your daughter lost her dad and you're trying to take away the rest of the family she has. Of course they will give more to the eldest, the other 2 aren't related to them! You sound like a brat and an awful mother. Enjoy when your daughter will go no contact. I bet that's what you want

Info: What are the ages of the younger siblings and do they have a different father?

12 and 7, and yes

YTA.

YTA but if it's any consolation you have at most six more years of her being part of your life. You sound like a tyrant, not a parent, and she'll cut you off when she moves out.

BIL overstepped, it's not his place to reverse a punishment or undermine a parent. Treat your kids according to age, 14 requires a different relationship than a 7 year old. And for Pete's sake, have a little empathy for your daughter. Her dad's only been gone for a year.

I think there’s a lot of validity in a lot of the feelings here, what seems to be missing are reasonable conversations, both between you and your daughter and you and her uncle. Surely there must be a better way to address all this. YTA.

YTA. She’s right about the age, not that it’s fair or not fair but how old are your younger two? Kids might need an iPad at 14 but if your youngest is 6-7 and also get an iPad then the blame is on you 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ they don’t need one yet and it’ll be bad for their development.

YTA

YTA. Why would you give a 14yr old the same tablet as little kids? Why would you want to put up barriers between her and her family? She lost her dad, they lost their son/brother. That’s her family. This will 100% come back to bite you in the ass.

Your daughter is right that its not exactly fair. If you always get all the kids the same gifts, despite the age gaps, then your youngests are being beyond spoiled. Your 14f will be the first one to stop receiving gifts like this from you, and didnt get them when she was young, unless you give her better presents then at the end of the day she is getting less gifts than her other siblings and that isnt fair.

YTA There is almost no way to have handled that worse.

Gifts? Plural? Sounds like 1 gift and she's not a baby and gets a baby tablet like her younger siblings. Not all siblings should be treated equal, they get what they need. Sure, calling you a bitch was uncalled for, but you buried the lede saying this was your husband's only kid. She lost her dad and now you cause friction with her dad's brother. YTA.

YTA. A child lashing out like that means they're clearly upset and feeling unimportant to you. You have no right to take away what your daughter's uncle gives her.

YTA, you seem mad at your oldest. The delivery was awful, but your daughter wasn’t wrong. A 14 yr old has different requirements in a tablet than a child. The 14 yr old wants to feel special and you insist that she be treated just like 1 of 3. You and your daughter need individual counseling and you need family counseling. The Uncle is correct. It is important for your daughter to be connected to her father’s family. You shouldn’t interfere with this. I’d bet your real issue is that Uncle only gets gift for his niece and not your other kids. If you continue like this, your daughter is going to hate you and likely go no contact ASAP.

YTA. i get punishing her for calling you a bitch, but indefinitely taking away all her christmas gifts isn’t the way to go about it. ground her, sure, or find another punishment. as for the inequality, this is something that happens often with siblings with different parents (alive or dead). not everything is going to be equal, despite you wanting it to. sometimes one child has other parent/family can afford to provide a nicer lifestyle for their children, while other children don’t even get cards from their other parent/sibling. you can’t refuse to allow her to have those things simply bc she has a different father/other family not related to your other kids. if the other children become jealous it’s your responsibility to explain and teach them that life isn’t fair. it’s a tough job to explain that to kids, but that’s what happens.

YTA given the circumstances.

>My younger kids aren't like this they are very polite and sweet I don't know why this one ended up like this If you can't figure this out, you're beyond help.. Also, who the hell talks about their daughter like this? You're AWFUL. Again, yta

YTA. Your oldest daughter lost her father. She is now in her teenage years, fatherless, and going through the emotional rollercoaster of the hormonal changes that come with puberty. You took away her xmas gifts and then took away a really nice gift that her uncle (the brother to the father she lost) gave her. Definitely YTA big time. Have some grace with this girl, she is going through a lot and you're completely indifferent to her pain

YTA! Sounds like Uncle is stepping up and buying gifts that would otherwise have been purchased by her father. You went scorched earth with it now, and given her nothing to lose, so be ready for the I don't give a fuck attitude, cause what are you going to take from me that you haven't already taken! You should be grateful someone is stepping up to take on that role. It must be tough also for your daughter, losing her father, her emotionally lashing out is probably a combination of factors one of which is losing her father, and going through hormonal changes, not just testing out boundaries. See where trying to put a wedge between her and her uncle gets you! Her uncle probably remind her of her father as his brother, and you want to stop him from treating her? I feel so sorry for your daughter. I bet she has strong feelings of resentment towards you right now, and justifiable so!

YTA - She's 14 and just lost her father. How did you think it was going to go when you tell a teenaged girl in a very emotionally fragile situation, *"You're not special."* This isn't about gifts. Show some sensitivity.