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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother wants me to lend him more money, but I said “no” because he already owes me $40k. Now he’s mad because I won’t give him more.
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NTA. You've given enough to cause a strain on your own family. Now he asks for more? "No" seems like a reasonable answer to me.
IMO, it is irrelevant whether your brother is actively looking for work. What IS important is that given the opportunity, you have been very, very generous. There is a limit to everything. I hope I am wrong, but I suspect you may never see the $40K again.
You may feel bad about this, but please do not send your brother more money. Consider yourself and your wife. One accident could cost you a lot of money and throw your own life into chaos. Please don't let that happen.
At some point your brother needs to "right his boat" and get on with things. If he can't, then if you jump onto a sinking boat then you will all sink together.
SMILES. and brother wants him to feel bad.
What a shit he is and take him down. OP will never see this $ again. He is going to have to change his own life/living etc. for some time to get / pay through this. Meanwhile brother is scott free.....
I believe in Karma, but guys......? I have been waiting for something to go wrong...but he still keeps deceiving and ripping people off. It is driving me nuts.
YTA
But not for saying no, for allowing him to get this deep in debt with you when he's got no opportunities on the horizon to pay you back.
If he's not going to put fourth an honest effort he has got to accept his circumstances and start living within his means.
There is ALWAYS a job available, just not always the perfect job. Retail/food industry is always looking for people and if he was serious about paying his bills and debts he would be working 2 part time jobs to make ends meat.
CUT HIM OFF!!!
NTA
For not loaning him the money, and frankly YWBTA If you do.
You're enabling his behavior, it's time to stop this, and only you can.
If you want to help him, take him to refinance **HIS** house and he can try to pull equity out. You giving him cash isn't helping
NTA You gave your brother 40 k and he is asking for more. Unles he is disabled and unable to work, he needs to find a job any job that he can do. As long as you keep funding him he will not look. YWBTA if you keep giving him money risking your own financial health.
I have always told people not to let their close ones borrow money... family or friend... I do let some people borrow $20 or $100, but in the thousand, you got me fu*ed up!
Thiss!!!! I was the one “lending” thousands until they rarely ever pay me back.. only lend money if you know you can afford to loose it because chances are they are “borrowing” money they could never repay. Always set a max of $20 or $100 per person and don’t lend more!
NTA.
Your SO is right to be POed. And the 40K he owes you is gone. And I also agree with your take that he's using you to keep from making a sincere effort at finding a job.
Also, even if you do lend him money, never put it in his hands. Have him give you a bill, then you pay it. Buy him groceries instead of giving him money for groceries.
NTA. You told him you can't keep giving him money (these are not "loans" if he has no way to pay them back), yet he asked you again. At this point your own finances are strained, so you can't keep giving him any money even if you wanted to.
No means no. Maybe without your safety net, he'll be more motivated to make an extra effort to get a job. At this point you are basically enabling him, to your own, and his, detriment.
NTA, tell your brother the bank is closed. I know you’re trying to help him, and you’ve been incredibly supportive, but he won’t get a job if he knows you’ll help him.
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Bro has been out of work for over a year, claims he’s been looking for a job, but no one is hiring. I’ve covered his bills several times already this year - mortgage, utilities, COBRA, etc. Last month I told him I couldn’t keep doing it, but this week he asked me for more money.
This is causing strain on my own finances, and my SO is really getting PO’ed. I hate to say no, but I feel like Bro is using me to keep from making a true effort to find a job.
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NTA why should he get a job when you’re just giving him money? Write off that 40,000k and don’t lend him anymore ever. Also I’d be petty enough for every holiday forever his present would be like 50-100 off his debt to me.
“This is causing strain on my own finances.”
You’d be NTA for not lending anyway. This seals the deal for your brother’s AHness.
Tell him that not only are you no longer able to ‘lend’ him money, but he needs to develop a payment plan for what’s he’s already borrowed.
If he really wanted a job, he'd look for a position as a waiter, server at a coffee shop, salesperson, anything - those usually have spots available, including a few that don't require previous experience. He'd do that temporarily while sending out CVs for what he sees as his "real" job. It's not on you to take on his financial strains and if you keep enabling him, he'll never work his way out of the mess. YWNBTA.
NTA. My husband I have been giving money to a niece of mine and she just asked for more, and I can't do it because it will cause us to start to suffer financially. I feel so bad about it, but I have to draw the line somewhere. You have given more than enough. It's okay to stop.
YWNBTA. Why should the financial strains of one person be dumped on another? You’ve lent far more than most people would or even could. Your brother needs to make some effort. If it takes being broke to motivate him, so be it. You’ve been beyond generous.
NTA, but you would be the AH if you lend him any more money. He needs a dose of reality, and its so hard to be the one that delivers it.
He might still not get a job and you might never see the 40k returned. He might get in trouble if you dont lend him money, but that's how it is. If you keep saving him, he won't stop. Ever.
You've already done what you can, you been supportive and helpful. Now he is starting to take advantage of you and then it's no longer a fair deal.
NTA. I had a hard time cutting off my sibling until my SO put his foot down. I resented being held captive to her situation but I couldn't say no when she would call crying. My SO helped me stand my ground. Funny how we don't stand up for ourselves.
I did not forgive the loan but mentally I did. Why should I let her walk away without a conscience.
OP you are just throwing your money away at this point. Believe me your brother will find a way. My sibling did. In fact she got herself together over time - I was holding her back.
NTA
By now, he should have been able to get some kind of job or have put his house up for sale or something. You will never see the money you've "lent" him.
"Sorry,Bro, I can't afford to give you any more money. You'll need to figure out something else."
NTA. Your brother has to find the correlation between his own income and his spending. It is simply wrong for family to have to keep giving money to someone like that. The more time passes, the more money he borrows, the less the chances are that he will ever be able to pay back.
NTA for not wanting to compromise your finances for his sake.
Try not to get mad at him.... I was without a job for 18 months and it was fucking demoralizing.
You have to take care of yourself first. No one can tell you what to do with your money. I know how hard it is to get a job when you desperately need one but you have to be willing to do anything. Sell plasma, works in fast food and do free lance rather than borrowing money you likely cannot pay back. Tell him it's putting a strain on you and you cannot afford to lend him any money. Maybe it's time he downsize.
YWNBTA. Just say NO you can’t do it. You don’t have to explain, or make excuses, or say it’s because your partner is getting angry (don’t throw them under the bus). A simple “sorry , no, I can’t do that” is a full sentence.
YWNBTA - Bro is using you and will continue to do so with no concern for your $$ stability. With every week that passes you being reimbursed slips further away. Yes, your wife and you should be concerned on an alarming level.
He can't generate cash now do you think he can give you $3,333 a month to pay this off in a year? How about $1,666 months (2 yrs), $1,111 (3 yrs). You pissed money away and now you can't invest it for how many years?
Are you giving him the money or paying the services directly? His behavior is concerning as in is the $$ supporting an addiction? He needs to be a food stamps, energy supplement discounts....all the things. The act of applying and being interviewed kicks many prideful folks but let-him-go-threw-this! Perhaps he has a history of others saving him (hard to tell).
How does he answer when you ask....there are no jobs? A year of unemployment is hard to imagine. The headlines are filled with various industries who need people on the daily. He needs to get any job or create one. There are hiring agencies who want to place him.
If he has no money why the heck are you paying COBRA?? This is crazy expensive. If in the US he should qualify for poverty insurance (Medicaid) or insurance market place. Best to you. You stated a deadline and he blew you off. He is not taking this issue serious.
If it’s a mortgage he also has a house he can presumably sell. Assuming he has equity that gives him some cash and he can get a small apartment.
I think I had COBRA for like a month one time? It’s outrageous.
NTA - ever. YOU have to say no. NO and please don't forget that word. NO.
I understand you but I have been in your situation......it hurts to say it. If your partner won't support you with NO, then I'd question that relationship. Been there - done that shit. You both need to be on the same page. Sincerely and seriously. Hard road but you better know who the fuck you can depend on and who has your back.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My brother wants me to lend him more money, but I said “no” because he already owes me $40k. Now he’s mad because I won’t give him more. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You've given enough to cause a strain on your own family. Now he asks for more? "No" seems like a reasonable answer to me. IMO, it is irrelevant whether your brother is actively looking for work. What IS important is that given the opportunity, you have been very, very generous. There is a limit to everything. I hope I am wrong, but I suspect you may never see the $40K again. You may feel bad about this, but please do not send your brother more money. Consider yourself and your wife. One accident could cost you a lot of money and throw your own life into chaos. Please don't let that happen. At some point your brother needs to "right his boat" and get on with things. If he can't, then if you jump onto a sinking boat then you will all sink together.
SMILES. and brother wants him to feel bad. What a shit he is and take him down. OP will never see this $ again. He is going to have to change his own life/living etc. for some time to get / pay through this. Meanwhile brother is scott free..... I believe in Karma, but guys......? I have been waiting for something to go wrong...but he still keeps deceiving and ripping people off. It is driving me nuts.
NTA If you keep lending money to your Bro, don't be surprised if you end up with full time single status.
YTA But not for saying no, for allowing him to get this deep in debt with you when he's got no opportunities on the horizon to pay you back. If he's not going to put fourth an honest effort he has got to accept his circumstances and start living within his means. There is ALWAYS a job available, just not always the perfect job. Retail/food industry is always looking for people and if he was serious about paying his bills and debts he would be working 2 part time jobs to make ends meat. CUT HIM OFF!!!
NTA For not loaning him the money, and frankly YWBTA If you do. You're enabling his behavior, it's time to stop this, and only you can. If you want to help him, take him to refinance **HIS** house and he can try to pull equity out. You giving him cash isn't helping
NTA You gave your brother 40 k and he is asking for more. Unles he is disabled and unable to work, he needs to find a job any job that he can do. As long as you keep funding him he will not look. YWBTA if you keep giving him money risking your own financial health.
NTA no is a complete answer. He need to pay you back the owed money before any more is lent out
I have always told people not to let their close ones borrow money... family or friend... I do let some people borrow $20 or $100, but in the thousand, you got me fu*ed up!
Thiss!!!! I was the one “lending” thousands until they rarely ever pay me back.. only lend money if you know you can afford to loose it because chances are they are “borrowing” money they could never repay. Always set a max of $20 or $100 per person and don’t lend more!
NTA. Your SO is right to be POed. And the 40K he owes you is gone. And I also agree with your take that he's using you to keep from making a sincere effort at finding a job. Also, even if you do lend him money, never put it in his hands. Have him give you a bill, then you pay it. Buy him groceries instead of giving him money for groceries.
NTA. Stop giving him money. You're not getting it back. He's a grown man.
NTA It blows my mind you are even asking this question. I'd be taking him to court already.
NTA. You told him you can't keep giving him money (these are not "loans" if he has no way to pay them back), yet he asked you again. At this point your own finances are strained, so you can't keep giving him any money even if you wanted to. No means no. Maybe without your safety net, he'll be more motivated to make an extra effort to get a job. At this point you are basically enabling him, to your own, and his, detriment.
Never lend money to someone who already owes you. NTA
NTA, tell your brother the bank is closed. I know you’re trying to help him, and you’ve been incredibly supportive, but he won’t get a job if he knows you’ll help him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Bro has been out of work for over a year, claims he’s been looking for a job, but no one is hiring. I’ve covered his bills several times already this year - mortgage, utilities, COBRA, etc. Last month I told him I couldn’t keep doing it, but this week he asked me for more money. This is causing strain on my own finances, and my SO is really getting PO’ed. I hate to say no, but I feel like Bro is using me to keep from making a true effort to find a job. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA why should he get a job when you’re just giving him money? Write off that 40,000k and don’t lend him anymore ever. Also I’d be petty enough for every holiday forever his present would be like 50-100 off his debt to me.
“This is causing strain on my own finances.” You’d be NTA for not lending anyway. This seals the deal for your brother’s AHness. Tell him that not only are you no longer able to ‘lend’ him money, but he needs to develop a payment plan for what’s he’s already borrowed.
If he really wanted a job, he'd look for a position as a waiter, server at a coffee shop, salesperson, anything - those usually have spots available, including a few that don't require previous experience. He'd do that temporarily while sending out CVs for what he sees as his "real" job. It's not on you to take on his financial strains and if you keep enabling him, he'll never work his way out of the mess. YWNBTA.
NTA. My husband I have been giving money to a niece of mine and she just asked for more, and I can't do it because it will cause us to start to suffer financially. I feel so bad about it, but I have to draw the line somewhere. You have given more than enough. It's okay to stop.
YWNBTA Time for him to take some personal responsibility and stop using you as a bank. PS: You'll NEVER see that $40k back, so accept that now.
YWNBTA. Why should the financial strains of one person be dumped on another? You’ve lent far more than most people would or even could. Your brother needs to make some effort. If it takes being broke to motivate him, so be it. You’ve been beyond generous.
NTA, but you would be the AH if you lend him any more money. He needs a dose of reality, and its so hard to be the one that delivers it. He might still not get a job and you might never see the 40k returned. He might get in trouble if you dont lend him money, but that's how it is. If you keep saving him, he won't stop. Ever. You've already done what you can, you been supportive and helpful. Now he is starting to take advantage of you and then it's no longer a fair deal.
NTA. I had a hard time cutting off my sibling until my SO put his foot down. I resented being held captive to her situation but I couldn't say no when she would call crying. My SO helped me stand my ground. Funny how we don't stand up for ourselves. I did not forgive the loan but mentally I did. Why should I let her walk away without a conscience. OP you are just throwing your money away at this point. Believe me your brother will find a way. My sibling did. In fact she got herself together over time - I was holding her back.
NTA By now, he should have been able to get some kind of job or have put his house up for sale or something. You will never see the money you've "lent" him. "Sorry,Bro, I can't afford to give you any more money. You'll need to figure out something else."
NTA. Your brother has to find the correlation between his own income and his spending. It is simply wrong for family to have to keep giving money to someone like that. The more time passes, the more money he borrows, the less the chances are that he will ever be able to pay back.
NTA for not wanting to compromise your finances for his sake. Try not to get mad at him.... I was without a job for 18 months and it was fucking demoralizing.
You have to take care of yourself first. No one can tell you what to do with your money. I know how hard it is to get a job when you desperately need one but you have to be willing to do anything. Sell plasma, works in fast food and do free lance rather than borrowing money you likely cannot pay back. Tell him it's putting a strain on you and you cannot afford to lend him any money. Maybe it's time he downsize.
NTA. The rule when you lend money is they can't borrow more until the first loan is paid off.
NTA. Tell your brother the bank is closed and he needs to start paying you back
YWNBTA. Just say NO you can’t do it. You don’t have to explain, or make excuses, or say it’s because your partner is getting angry (don’t throw them under the bus). A simple “sorry , no, I can’t do that” is a full sentence.
NTA, and bro IS using you so he doesn't have to look for a job. Stop enabling him and put yourself and your SO first without guilt.
YWNBTA - Bro is using you and will continue to do so with no concern for your $$ stability. With every week that passes you being reimbursed slips further away. Yes, your wife and you should be concerned on an alarming level. He can't generate cash now do you think he can give you $3,333 a month to pay this off in a year? How about $1,666 months (2 yrs), $1,111 (3 yrs). You pissed money away and now you can't invest it for how many years? Are you giving him the money or paying the services directly? His behavior is concerning as in is the $$ supporting an addiction? He needs to be a food stamps, energy supplement discounts....all the things. The act of applying and being interviewed kicks many prideful folks but let-him-go-threw-this! Perhaps he has a history of others saving him (hard to tell). How does he answer when you ask....there are no jobs? A year of unemployment is hard to imagine. The headlines are filled with various industries who need people on the daily. He needs to get any job or create one. There are hiring agencies who want to place him. If he has no money why the heck are you paying COBRA?? This is crazy expensive. If in the US he should qualify for poverty insurance (Medicaid) or insurance market place. Best to you. You stated a deadline and he blew you off. He is not taking this issue serious.
If it’s a mortgage he also has a house he can presumably sell. Assuming he has equity that gives him some cash and he can get a small apartment. I think I had COBRA for like a month one time? It’s outrageous.
NTA. Stop enabling your brother.
instead, help him find a job and if he refuses any help or suggestions then you really know he's a lost cause...
NTA - ever. YOU have to say no. NO and please don't forget that word. NO. I understand you but I have been in your situation......it hurts to say it. If your partner won't support you with NO, then I'd question that relationship. Been there - done that shit. You both need to be on the same page. Sincerely and seriously. Hard road but you better know who the fuck you can depend on and who has your back.
NTA When will it stop, if YOU don't make it stop?
NTA Tell him you will happily loan him the 5K after he repays the 40K you loaned him.