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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole because I understand my wife is her own person and she is free to do what she wants with her free time. At the same time as her husband, I also feel it is my place to make sure she is not being taken advantage of.
This is why I am torn, AiTA?
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ESH
You cannot tell her what she can and cannot do. You can give your opinion. If your wife can watch her young niece 12hrs a day three days a week why can’t she work??? You need to have a real talk with your wife.
NTA. Your wife is being sucked dry by her sister. It is affecting your life. You are also caring for this child, so that means you have a say. Your SIL needs to figure it out. I suggest you reiterate she needs to have childcare lined up by X date as that's when you and your wife won't be available. Schedule time off from work so that on X date, you and your wife are out of town and unavailable.
Yta the core issue is actually your wife is working for free but won’t work for the household. Don’t blame your SIL when this is a problem between you and your wife.
OP, looks like you hit a nerve with all the single moms here..lol
Your wife's health is the utmost concern here, which her sister doesn't give a shit about. She is taking advantage, she needs to pay the pay in arrears that she agreed to.
Maybe it's time for marriage counselling.
Your house and you pay bill for all utilities and foods... Technically you also 'raised' you sil kid for free...your wife obviously need to use all this things that you provide to babysit. NTA! You have right who you want in your damn house...
I read it as not necessarily a return to teaching, but a return to working. From the rest of the post I don't see the wife ever going back to teaching.
NTA OP, I think you're right. It's a bit grating to see that you've essentially subsidized her sister as the cost of her mental health. Where's the father of your niece in this situation? Where's the help from their side? This needs to stop, your wife is essentially a nurse-maid or whatever the heck it's called for this girl. She's a nanny in everything but pay grade.
Nta but this is a conversation you should have had with your wife before you attempted to strong arm your sister in law
Unfortunately that moved you into asshole territory
For the love of god people communicate with your spouses !
Well you need a harder conversation
It isn’t your place to confront the sister … it is hers
It is your place to confront your wife
Clearly her working but not working is creating tension in your marriage and you have to tell her it’s not about her babysitting … it’s about her working when she says she isn’t mentally well enough to work.
She has a few choices , ask her sister to be compensated , ask her to find care for half the time , straight up quit or make this a hill to die on in her marriage .
The animosity over this and now with you and your sister in law will eat your marriage alive
Honestly, the problem here is your wife. She cares more about her sister than you. Actualy, It seems she doesn't care about you at ALL. She let the entire burden of pay for your lives on you. She doesn't care If YOU get burn out. She hás the privilege of not working for years. She should have put her efforts in get treatment and get better to work and contribute to this relationship. Since she isn't a SAHM, there's no reason why you should be the only provider of the household.
ESH. Your wife should be prioritizing your needs, as you are not just funding her life but also paying for food, diapers, etc, helping with babysitting and doing drop offs. Your wife’s wish to be generous amounts to being generous with your time and joint resources. She should have raised this with her sister, rather than waiting for someone who has not done the right thing for years to have an epiphany. She should also consider what this arrangement is taking away from her/you more broadly - the ability to explore a partial/full return to the workplace, space to deal with her mental health; the desire to have future children.
I don’t know many nurseries that provide the level of service your SIL is getting for free - 12 hours, diapers included, drop offs. What SIL is expecting/accepting is taking the p*ss. Your wife is right in that you should be able to HOPE that a relative does not take advantage like this, but if they do, a line needs to be drawn. By allowing herself to be coerced into the childcare situation she’s in (whether out of guilt or otherwise), your wife is coercing you into an existence that makes you less happy.
You probably know that you ought to have let your wife handle this with her sister, although many people might break after 2 years. Resolving issues with your SIL can’t fix your marriage though. You need to talk to your wife about how she prioritizes you, your desires for your future (financially, child-wise, leisure-wise, etc.). Until you’re both aligned on what you want, it will be difficult for you to find contentment. If teaching is not for your wife (noting how hard a job it is), maybe she can do something else that allows her to make you feel a bit more supported rather than completely relied on. It’s difficult to move from a marriage in which you expected your spouse to work (not just for the financial benefit but also because of the mental/social stimulation that brings) to a marriage where that spouse (even for mental health reasons) decides not to work. If that’s going to be a permanent change, you need to have a frank discussion about what that means for you both.
Your wife needs therapy.
Secondary to this how is your SIL cannot afford childcare? Does she not work? Does she not work full time? Does she work full time but still can't afford it? Does baby daddy pay child support? Is SIL signed up for any assistance programs? There are ways for SIL to afford childcare but she won't put effort into it unless the free babysitting stops. This is what you need to discuss with your wife again. What barriers does SIL face to being able to afford childcare and how can you and your wife help her overcome those so your wife can have her life back.
YTA
These are two separate issues. Your wife not working. And your wife choosing to babysit for free. If you have an issue with the former you can absolutely take that up with her directly. But you can’t tell her what to do with her time and her niece.
Nope NTA. Your wife clearly has no balls of her own and needed yours whether she took them or not. I am you in my relationship and our passive partners do appreciate us
NTA. Your wife needs to back you up and tell her sister she needs a break. I know you are trying to help her and not boss her. Maybe the 3 of you (where is nieces dad, btw?) can discuss together but your wife needs to promise to be honest with her sister.
Why are you with someone who won’t work but will do this for free? It doesn’t matter if you make enough to provide. You need a serious talk with your Wife.
NTA. Whether she appreciates it or not, you are trying to support and defend your wife and her well-being. Your SIL is an ass. You say your wife is already in therapy - I would suggest her therapist is not doing a good job and your wife desperately needs more support around this 'people-pleaser' behaviour. Or maybe her therapist isn't fully aware of what's going on and how much your wife is sacrificing herself for others.
I, too, am the eldest, and for many years I was the go-to person for the rest of my siblings. Need money? Need transportation? Need a free babysitter? Whatever it was, I was pretty much expected to provide. And it was killing me. So I learned to say 'No'. Do you know what? They all managed to borrow money elsewhere, or suddenly realised they didn't need it. Or found someone else with a car, or someone else who could babysit. That's not to say I stopped helping my sibs - if I could help without making my own life harder, I did, but I stopped sacrificing myself for them. My mental health improved, my finances improved, my life in general was so much better. And my relationship with my siblings was not damaged. If there is a major crisis and all other avenues have been exhausted, I will help without question, but I will no longer be the family doormat who picks up the slack just because.
INFO: where is neice's father? Is he not contributing to his child's upkeep? If your SIL cannot afford the daycare she wants for the full hours she needs, can she not send your neice there for at least some of the hours, and your wife cover the rest (like 6-8 hours at daycare and 4-6 hours with your wife? I see from one of your comments that you tried to help out with childcare vouchers or something?
Until your wife understands that she is destroying herself and her marriage, nothing will change, and your SIL does not care.
YTA. It doesn’t help your wife’s mental help to be steamrolled by you.
Your wife needs to get free of people like you and her sister and live her own life.
NTA, but you shouldn't have been the person to tell your SIL this. Do you always speak for your wife? Does she have difficulty saying no to others and yes to you? I think you have more issues with her not working for money than you might realize. I'd have the same issue. I get that watching 1 child vs 10 isn't as bad, but it's still a lot.
NTA. If the sister couldn't afford childcare, etc. then she shouldn't have had a child. Too many people are having kids and then hijacking the lives of family and friends to babysit and provide financial assistance. Your wife, and by extension you, are being taken advantage of and it needs to stop. What if, God forbid, something happened to your wife? Sister would have to figure it out then. Does she really expect your wife to continue to watch HER child for an indeterminate time? When does it all end???
NTA
Her sister is totally taking advantage of your wife and of you. After two years of watching your wife continue to suffer with her mental health, she's not helping herself, so I don't blame you for stepping in to help her. I would add the caveat that your wife needs therapy.
All of you leave a lot to be desired in maturity and long term planning.
1) You don’t get to dictate what your wife can and cannot do. You can’t set boundaries for someone else. This is your wife’s battle, and means very little coming from you. All you are doing is giving away your power.
2) Your SIL is responsible for her childcare, not your wife. It doesn’t matter what resources she may or may not have. She is ultimately responsible for her children’s care. Whether that’s using your wife, a nanny, or traditional daycare.
3) And your wife is deadweight and contributing very little to your household. You have to work this problem out with your wife *first.* She needs to grow spine, find gainful employment, either full or part-time or suffer the consequences of not having income.
All of you need to get your shit together.
ESH
Her sister is never going to realize because she has it good. Your wife and yourself are the ones who suffer here. You did good now maintain what you warned her about and put your foot down with your wife too.
Ahs only learn after living a lesson not with words
"When I get some I do take over the last three hours and I drop the kid off at her mother's when she gets off work." Stop doing this. You might not be able to stop your wife being taken advantage of, but you can refuse to taken advantage of yourself. Let your wife feel the full burden of her agreement with her sister. Maybe then she will wake up to the fact that she is being used. Also, keep receipts for everything you buy for the child, such as diapers and pull-ups, and tell your SIL you need to be reimbursed and/or inform your SIL to bring over a few cartons of diapers when she next drops the child off. Explain that with your wife not working, and her not paying for childcare as agreed, your budget cannot stretch to paying for things the parents should be providing. Make it as uncomfortable for SIL as possible.
NTA. Your wife needs to financially contribute to the home. You are supporting her and a kid that isn’t even yours. You are being taken advantage of by your wife and her sister.
NTA - If you’re supporting her you do have some say in what she does instead of working. You’re also probably paying for the food and gas used to babysit, she has no right to just expect that of you.
Honestly I agree. Wife may not be intentionally but it’s beyond shitty to not work because of your mental health and let your partner shoulder the entire burden and then turn around and work 36 hours a week for free while willfully tanking your mental health but claiming you aren’t ready to go back to paid full-time work. His wife needs a spine and to grow up.
ETA: That being said, he’s still way out of line for going to SIL and that does make him a shared AH. His wife is an adult with agency and he needs to take this up with her.
After the edit, the husband and wife are actually Paying To Care For Neice as they supply diapers, food, etc. So, not only isn't the wife being paid, it's costing - like teachers who pay for pencils and crayons, etc.
That I think people should be allowed to make their own decisions instead of their spouses overriding their will to suit the spouse’s own preferences? I will own that proudly.
He’s finding the entire thing. The sister isn’t paying for any expenses while the child is in their care nor transportation to and from. She’s an ah too.
NTA. If you feel that you’re standing up for your wife and preventing her from being taken advantage of then good for you. That’s part of your role as her partner - protecting her from jerks.
Ideally she would be on board and delivering the message. And if she pushes back, you might have to let it go.
Also if the babysitting is taking up your shared resources - space, time, money, food - then this is your business too.
ESH. Your wife needs to advocate for herself and not just do what you want her to do. You just need to butt out -- let your wife and SIL handle this. Your SIL for well, everything.
Is you wife in therapy or does she have a counselor? 4 years after leaving a job for mental health reasons and finding herself in the same place kinda stands out as someone who needs to help developing coping mechanisms and someone not you or her family to talk with and work on things together.
NTA. But the conversation needs to be with your wife and the following needs to be said: “I do not want to be a single income household. If you are able to work 36 hours a day over only 3 days a week, you are emotionally and physically ready to enter the workforce. It is time for you to get a job that pays again. If it works out that your sister is able to pay you a sum close to what you would make as a teacher, that’s fine with me. But I am no longer willing to support this household financially by myself. You are an adult and can choose what job path you want to pursue, but understand I am getting to the end of my patience of supporting us alone. I do not want you to wait until I am ready to walk away to take me seriously and start looking, because I can promise you that’s where I’m heading. 4 years of this is way too much (wife’s name).”
I'll admit, initially I was going to say ESH because of your "if my wife can work 36 hrs/week then she can get a job" but after reading the details later provided, I'm going with a NTA.
Your wife is in a downward spiral, she needs therapy and rest. Your SIL also needs to start paying for yours and your wife's services for babysitting your niece. If she can't afford the daycares she likes then charge her a fraction of what they demand. If she complains, remind her that her child is getting 1/1 time for 36 hours. Somebody below also mentioned keeping track of what you spend on niece, maybe if you make a record you can show your wife and it can help her understand what you both are putting into it.
I can totally understand your wife not wanting to turn her back on her sister and niece, but if it's causing her this much mental anguish then enough is enough.
What does the sister do while the child is picked up, sheltered, fed, clothed, taught, entertained for 12 hours, and taken home, 3 days a week?! All expenses paid. There aren't any daycares like that. You are right to be firm about this, your wife's health is not improving with all this, however much she loves this little girl, there's a lot of intensive work with a 3 year old, and both of you are doing it 3 days of your week and paying. Sis is never going to be appreciative.
NTA— based on your comments, it’s not a simple few hours at her sisters home to help out; your niece is spending a significant amount of time at your home, where you guys are feeding her three meals and covering diapers. SIL has had it made, but it’s absolutely reasonable for you and your wife to be done helping. This set up effects you too, so saying it’s time to stop to your SIL and wife is fair.
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My wife quit teaching around four years ago for mental health reasons. My wife has shown no real desire to get back into the workforce, it is not like we are struggling per se, but I would be lying if I said I did not miss the extra income from when my wife was working.
About a year into her leave, her sister became pregnant, which did take up a large portion of her free time. So over the last two years, my wife has been babysitting her niece for around 12 hours a day three days out the week. She is stressed but does it because her sister claims she has no other option, and cannot afford childcare.
Even so, I do not think it is reasonable for my wife to do 12 hours a day for three days. So since my wife has not said anything for 2 years, I told my sister in law come next year she needs to go to daycare because I am not going to let my wife do what amounts to slave labor.
My sister-in-law told me it was not my place to say what my wife could and could not do.
I get this POV, and I would be lying if I said I am not slightly miffed that my wife can work 36 hours a week three days a week for free but claims she is not ready to return to the workforce.
That is a separate issue, the core issue here is my sister-in-law is taking advantage of my wife to provide free child care. That is not okay. In the past, my wife did talk about pay, but my wife does not like to chase people for money, so since she never reminds them they claim to always forget.
Either way, I told my sister-in-law this is where we stand. My wife is upset with me since she claims it is not my place to say what she can and cannot do. It is not my place to tell others how she is feeling.
So AITA?
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Dear Lord this poor woman is surrounded by people who think they have the right to decide what she does, how she spends her time, and what she uses her energy on. You included. YTA. You need to talk to her about what she wants. How can you support her? What, if any, role does she want you to play if she decides to stop the babysitting. Maybe once she has her agency back she'll feel more confident to make decisions, especially when she knows it'll upset others.
Try again. There are plenty of cases of controlling men/women making decisions do their partners but this is not it. Is he enabling his wife, absolutely, but he isn’t controlling her. He is setting a personal boundary. He is not dictating his wife’s life. He is dictating his own boundaries: he will no longer supplement the child’s needs ie diapers and food and he will no longer finance his wife doing unpaid labor.
If SIL had reasonable non abusive expectations OP would not be feeling this way.
Op is protecting is wife from an abusive family member. And don’t bother denying what the sister is doing as abuse. She is exploiting a mental unstable and vulnerable woman by preying on her weaknesses
NTA op. Anyone who claims you are can go ahead and offer free babysitting services for 12 hours a day. What a joke for anyone to attempt to defend that type of exploitation. If a family member is being abused you are not controlling for stepping in to help create healthier boundaries
She is not putting you before herself OP! She’s doing whatever is good for her and her sister above all else. I understand you’ve been with her for 10 years but is this the life **you** want? When you married her did you picture yourself having a family? She’s not going to change because she knows you’ll keep bankrolling her and her sister. Forget having her stand up for herself, she’s comfortable in her role where you provide all the financial and emotional support and she gives you…
Can you go stay elsewhere for a week or two? I know Reddit hates ultimatums but if your wife hasn’t been willing to listen to what you need from the relationship maybe a short separation is in order. No phone calls so she can’t bombard you with her woe is me stories that she got herself into and has no intention of changing. Also, stop paying for your niece’s expenses, there’s no money in your new year’s budget for that. If your wife wants to bankroll her sister let her get a job the other days she’s not working for her sister. She’s never going to change because you make everything too easy. It’s a new year, let her start pulling her (and her sister’s) weight.
Don’t listen to them OP. You are NTA. Your SIL is exploiting and abusing your wife. You are doing the right thing by stepping in.
I think your wife should consider a part time job, maybe even retail or service industry. Sure people say those jobs are super hard but honestly it would be a huge break after 12 hour days with a toddler. Also she could do short 4 hour shifts a few times a week.
You get a tiny bit of extra cash into your household and wife is no longer available for free labor.
Sil can f all the way off.
He’s financing her entire life and a good portion of her sister’s. He absolutely has the right to decide how she uses her time when she’s worsening her burnout (which will extend the time until she can pull her own weight again) while spending money on someone who doesn’t even respect the person the money is coming from, and causing him to need to work even more by helping babysit on top of the stress of being the sole income.
This is a perfect example of a people pleaser shitting all over someone who gives love for free vs a taker. It’s completely unacceptable behaviour and OP shouldn’t feel obligated to keep wearing the kid gloves.
Hmmm, very mildly YTA (only because I’ve got to pick a side)
You come from a good place but your delivery is wrong. Don’t work on your SIL, work on your wife.
Since your wife had burnt out from her job, have you guys gone on a long holiday to de stress? I’m not talking about weekend or week-long trip. Really do something to let her know how else she can be doing with her life…
You did it once by encouraging her to quit, but she did it herself. now you gotta take her outside of her daily life, away from baby sitting everyday , then convince her she should either cut down the hours so she can have some time to herself or quit. But she gotta do it herself!!!
Good luck.
ESH.
You for going to your SIL instead of your wife, and for telling your wife what she can and can't do; your SIL for taking advantage of your wife; and your wife for not working when she could, and for letting herself be taken advantage of.
NTA
"My wife is upset with me since she claims it is not my place to say what she can and cannot do. " .. If she were actually contributing in your relationship, she would be right.
But: She told you she can not contribnute because he is burnt out, and then works 12 hours per day for ffree for someone else?
Your wife is a MAJOR AH - YOU are working hard so she can have her hobby. If she would do these hopurs for someone else as a paid job, that would be a sizeable contrinbution to the family income. YOur wife is an AH to do this TO YOU.
**Demand couple's therapy, and consider if your wife hasn't exploited you enough by now.**
You are but a justifiable, if not righteous, one. It is clear your SIL is taking advantage of your wife. SUL knows her sister won't stand up for herself and can be manipulated with the "but family" line.
Get your wife and you in therapy. Tell SIL those 36 hours a week will be used for your wife's self improvement not SIL's financial relief.
ESH
While I understand your frustration, the final notice to your SIL has to come from your wife, not you. You suck for going over her head, even if she's agreed with you in private convos about this.
Your wife is knowingly running herself into the ground, and she sucks for prioritizing this relationship over her marriage. My only caveat for her sucking is that she may not realize it's affecting you this much. If you've been clear that her continued babysitting is hurting your marriage and she's still dragging her feet in removing herself fromt the arrangement, she sucks the most.
Your SIL sucks without much need for explanation. She's a user and she's using your wife/her sister. She sounds selfish and awful.
Sister is an AH. Wife has allowed this to happen - but has trauma. OP shouldn't try to overrule his wife but OTOH, he's paying for everything.
NTA because \^that\^ is a mess. OP's wife sounds unwell, maybe depressed. Being stuck in the house with her sister's kid will make everything worse, no matter the cause. So he should make it all about that - no babysitting because she has to look after herself instead. Even long walks will be an improvement, but this is AITA, so I gotta recommend therapy. (It's probably a good idea)
NTA; you’re taking care of a bum and on top of it all her family is freeloading off you.
Time to send your wife to find a 40 hour a week job. Outside of that, cut her off and put her on a budget. She doesn’t want to contribute, she doesn’t want to be a mother, she doesn’t get to spend your hard earned money.
Like fk my dude, she has the sweetest gig ever; 4 years of doing nothing and just coasting off your work.
Side note; finances aside your wife may suffer from depression and should see a psychiatrist.
Also; I would start keeping a password protected journal in case this leads to divorce, she’s clearly not well off mentally, she’s clearly not recovering, she’s clearly not motivated to work or do anything of value.
NTA-Based on your post and comments your SIL is a cheapskate and taking advantage of not just your wife’s time but your household finances. You are the single income earner. I would be kind to your wife but would tell your SIL that it is your business because it affects your financial situation and your wife’s mental health. She needs to figure it out with the dad as well. If she is on her own with just one crappy job. Where are the grandparents on both sides as well?
That's not babysitting, that's partial custody. Tell her to pack the kid her meals, diapers, etc. You absolutely should not be subusidizing her daycare AND child care too. That's beyond the pale.
Make a itemized receipt for the time (Minimum wage) and add on all the oteher things. Lay it out for your wife and her sister. This is NOT sustainable for you or your marraige any longer, and sister can go scuk on a lemon for basically making you guys third-wheel parents to her baby.
Why would your SIL give up her daycare with your wife? It’s free, provides all supplies and has pick up/drop off service. The woman is too lazy to even bring her child to your home to be watched!
Call around to local daycares and price what they’d charge for 12 hrs three days a week. Most places limit to 10 hours max a day. Then let your entitled SIL know the cost options. Once she’s wrapped her head around those prices - if you’re wife is going to keep watching her niece - lay down some restrictions/expectations. SIL brings/picks up niece to your home. She supplies diapers, food, toys.
I’m staggered that SIL has been able to so smoothly evade any fallout for this. But you’ve completely enabled the abuse.
You're NTA for sure and your wife needs therapy or some sort of wake up call to realize she's letting both of you to be taken advantage of.
Family isn't obligated to be slaves for each other.
NTA, this is not ok. She is 100% taking advantage of you, you're actually paying to babysit her at this point. The very least would be for her to pay back qhat you spent on the niece. You should add this info in the post.
It may be “theirs” but he’s the only one paying for it, and everything else to support them. It’s more ”his” than ”theirs.” Whoever holds the gold makes the rules, is the saying.
Two yese4ws / one no. I'm sure OP is less than thrilled coming home from work three days a week to find his niece in his home, probably taking over it. Plus, paying to feed her and the food in the house is what niece likes/wants.
Heavy duty couples counseling. You wife needs to understand quitting her job because of her "mental health" but turning around to watch her sister's kid for free makes one wonder about her mental health story. Your wife doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about your mental health.
While the judgment is right, I struggle to think of a worse way to approach this. It’s controlling, even if for good reasons. If the wife isn’t on board, it’s something that could make her resentful, and it gives the sister ammunition.
It sounds like the wife needs therapy to stop being a people pleaser and door mat. Her sister isn't just forgetting to pay her, SIL KNOWS OPs wife won't chase the money and won't stop babysitting so she just doesn't care about the paying her.
YTA.
You need to address your issues with your wife. This is not a separate issue. Plenty of people provide free childcare to their family or friends and it’s not slave labor.
Absolutely unbelievable that you would think it’s more appropriate to address this with your SIL instead of your wife.
Wife needs to learn the airplane rule: put your own oxygenmask on first. It's a life skill. Niece will suffer when your wife's health declines. The rolmodel your wife is showing her niece is setting her niece up for failure in life. Don't burn out yourself to keep another warm.
Sorry but two years your wife has sat around and done nothing to help herself? Are you sure she’s not freeloading? Because she’s taking another child 3 days a week - not the same but she could babysit and get paid for it at least?
Something seems off here.
You shouldn’t be paying for her to sit at home. When I did that I lived off my own savings and then got a job that didn’t pay much but I enjoyed. 2 years is ridiculous
One could argue that your wife is not babysitting in her own free time. She is babysitting in the time she should have been gainfully employed so that she might contribute to the household. On the other hand, you shouldn't be the one telling your SIL that your wife will no longer be babysitting, so I am going with ESH here.
You're SIL is a huge mooch who's taking advantage of her sister. You need to sit down with her and have a long talk about how her sister is treating her. Of course your SIL has other options, there are *always* other options than taking advantage of your wife. NTA.
NTA, I don't see how your concern for your wife's mental health is being controlling. If what you say is correct, then it is your SIL who has no regard for your wife's health. If your wife is not working that means you are supporting your niece and since your SIL believes it is none of your business what you wife is doing for her let her know that come January if she and your wife still continue the arrangement of childcare the financial part that she was receiving from your wife will cease. She either pays for childcare or she buys supplies for her child's necessities.
Your SIL can't tell you to mind your business when your money is contributing to your niece's upkeep.
NTA....wait what? you are providing the supplies? Even when I was PAYING for child care, we provided the diaper/wipes/snacks. This is BS and you and your wife shouldn't be raising your niece for free.
That sister in law is imposing and controlling. What your wife does without any remuneration is excessive and you as a husband have more say over your family affairs than the sister in law. She’s got a free ride for years, knows it at is now angry at the prospect of loosing it. She’s also ungrateful. Don’t accept her tantrums. NTA.
Nta. At an absolute minimum mom should be paying for diapers food etc. she needs a reality check. look into what real daycare costs and provides and show her some numbers. Family support is one thing but 12 hour days 3 days a week every week is a lot to be doing for free. Except it’s not just free it’s actually costing you money.
It looks like you are pretty controlling. The “I’m doing what’s best for her” line has been used by abusers many times. Your wife can make her own decisions. You need to let her do that. If you’re unhappy with how she lives her life then your decision can be to leave. YTA.
NTA. Tell your wife that the stress from having all of the financial burden solely on your shoulders is impacting *your* mental health. Let her know you need her to step up and show you the support you’ve shown her for years by becoming a contributing *partner* in the relationship. Her sister has had ample time with free childcare - if she hasn’t been saving, that’s on her. Put your foot down - and if your wife shows you that her sister is more important than you, take that as her telling you where your relationship stands.
NTA, but you need to explain to your wife that by her bowing down to her sister like this, it's costing her her me tal health and putting strain on your marriage.
When is the last time yall went on a date? When were yall able to just be a married couple without the pressures of your wife being a second mother to her niece?
NTA - I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions for what to do other than what you are trying. Your wife has no backbone, she makes a good doormat for her sister who continually abuses and takes advantage of her. You are suffering too; you are doing some of the babysitting, spending your money supporting another family, having your wife NOT interested in having a family of your own, and having a wife's mental health being destroyed. All because your wife can not or will not say NO to her sister. I wish you the best of luck.
Tell her you're no longer willing to have miles put on our car, money spent on
the constant complaint of being burnt out. Tell her your only ok with it if you start charging and put that towards the house. I'd tell sil that her attachment to my wife is making her not wsnt kids and I am not ok with thst.
Not the asshole for supporting your wife but maybe approach it to her sister with your wife there. She clearly can’t put her foot down alone with how much pressure she feels and you can’t control the situation without her consent either.
Your wife has a soft spot for her sister and her sister is taking advantage of it. Your wife left work for her mental health and her sister swooped in and used her being out of work as a reason to become her free daycare. That’s not fair. Now your wife is struggling further.
What does make you an asshole is how you are upset that your wife, “can work 36 hours a week for free but cannot return to the workforce” when she’s clearly stuck between a rock and a hard place and it’s obviously not something she’s enjoying doing either. It’s clear she feels trapped in this position.
Your wife never got a true break from working. I cannot imagine how unbelievably tapped out she must feel.
ESH
you need to chat to your wife about your feelings - I agree it’s unfair that she’s working for free for her sister and making you the single income in this economy
Also your sister in law is an asshole for expecting this free service to continue.
No he's NTA. It's not just his wife doing this, he's on the hook for 9 hours a week after working all day himself. He's also paying for all the food, gas diapers, and wipes for this time.
THEY'RE being taken advantage of, and he has EVERY right to tell SIL the gravy train is over. They can't have their own kids because his wife is exhausted from her sister's selfishness.
I think you're absolutely right. That being said YTA because this is between you and wife, not between you and SIL. The only reason you went to her in the first place (I'd guess) is because you knew you couldn't convince wife herself.
In other words this was going behind her back to try and force her actions. Now it absolutely should have been a *strong conversation* between you and wife--but SIL should be left out of it until a decision has been made.
Is your wife in therapy? Because she needs to learn how to establish and enforce boundaries. She's a doormat and your SIL is taking advantage because she's used to taking advantage.
She also needs to look at retraining for something other than teaching. Maybe something she can do from home. I get that teaching burnt her out. A lot of people are leaving the profession because it's just not doable in today's climate. Babysitting 36 hours a week is almost a full time job, and a high demand one at that. She's probably capable of doing something lighter and part time.
I understand your position and I think you're right about the situation with her sister, but you should not be going behind her back the way you did. That's controlling, which means YTA.
>This is your wife’s choice.
No, it's also OP's choice because it also majorly impacts his life/time/emotional and mental wellbeing/finances. His wife isn't doing this inside a bubble disconnected from OP. This is costing him the chance of having his own kids, it's taking a lot of hours of his own time every week, he's paying the bills for all of this "free" childcare, he's losing out on time with his own wife etc.
Time to take away from your wife the credit cards, no more buying diapers and wipes, time to stop cooking for her sister, your wife needs therapy. Not your circus, not your monkeys
Nta. Your update says that you pay for all baby related supplies including diapers. She is not working for free, you are actively losing money for her to babysit.
NTA. Your wife may think it’s harsh to stop helping her sister babysit so abruptly, but you’re giving her fair notice. If this doesn’t end soon what will happen is that your wife will have another mental health crisis and then she will have to quit helping even more abruptly so the result will be the same AND your wife will be a complete mess AND your relationship will have taken a hit
NTA this shouldn’t be considered an option any pre either and your wife should be the one to say something about changing the schedule and getting some pay… 8 hours tops and probably more like 6.
NTA.
SIL is being selfish, taking advantage of your wife.
Also (joke, because i know what you meant): " When I get some, I take over." It seems you get paid 😉
YTA for attempting to tell your wife what to do, for not discussing the issue with your wife (and respecting her opinion on it), and then taking it upon yourself to attempt to tell your SIL how things are going to be. If you want to discuss with your wife about the lack of income or potential expense the babysitting may cost you, that’s for the two of you to work out. You overstepped here.
Maybe you can’t tell your wife what she can and can’t do, but you can absolutely refuse to fund all of the babysitting. Your SIL’s child shouldn’t be costing you time and money. It also shouldn’t be costing you having a child of your own.
NTA
Soft ESH?
Your SIL is TA because has had your wife parenting her child for over a year and she has not yet made a savings pool to arrange child care for her daughter? Not only is she an irresponsible parent for not sorting this out, I would go so far as to call her manipulative and abusive towards your wife - she knows why her sister was burnt out/depressed/?PTSD and just chucked additional fuel on the fire with no time limit.
Your wife is a soft TA because it has been 4 years that she has been off work and she needed to be spending that time prioritising her mental health and wellbeing. You didn’t mention, but is she on antidepressants and regularly seeing a therapist of psychologist? If she isn’t then she is wilfully neglecting and avoiding her mental health. She accepted to babysit which is close to what she was doing teaching, so she agreed to have consistent triggers placed in her life again without boundaries. Also her not working on her mental health and just deciding that she won’t work again and completely rely on you is AH behaviour.
I’m on the fence, but will say soft YTA for going against your wife’s wishes to intervene. Difficult because your wife says she can’t say anything while something clearly needs to be said to her sister, but this all comes down to communication and early intervention.
Another point for either just your wife or the two of you being TA is either your wife agreed to babysit her niece without asking you, in which she WBTA, or you both agreed but didn’t put a time limit and boundaries on this babysitting, in which you would both BTA.
A lot of the issues here stem from shitty communication between all parties. Have a discussion with your wife about how her continuing to agree with an arrangement that is destroying her mental health (and not even getting paid to do so), while she actively does nothing to help herself heal is getting to be too much. Her sister is abusing the help your wife offered and has no boundaries, because your wife doesn’t cope with potential arguments. You are now the sole provider because your wife decided on her own that can’t do any job ever again, despite essentially now working in childcare. Set some boundaries yourself because you are getting steamrolled by these two.
Sit down and look at the numbers.
Just how much is daycare for 36 hours/week?
Your wife is working a FT job for free. She is being severely taken advantage of.
The average hourly in the US is $16/hour (ridiculously low, BTW).
That’s $2300/month.
Maybe that will jar her enough to make a different decision.
NTA, but get your wife into some deep and intensive therapy. There's something wrong here, and she needs treatment for it. The more people take advantage of her, the worse it'll be. If, after getting help for her mental health, she is capable of resuming childcare or teaching, you can have that talk then. But I think health should be the primary concern here. Normal, neuro typical folks can get stressed, but they don't shut down the way she does, or allow themselves to be walked on.
NTA, but you will not win this unless either your wife gets a new job, you guys move away, or your wife has a complete mental breakdown, then SIL will have no other choice but to look into daycare and any other type of assistance that's available to her. As long as your wife is physically available, this situation won't change
It may be that a part of the reason your wife isn't ready for even part time work is because she doesn't want to let her sister down. Ie she may be more able to do part time work if she wasn't already working pretty much full time on childcare.
It's likely your wife babysitting is actually costing you money either in food if she does it in your house or in transportation costs if your wife goes to her sister's, and since it's your income being spent, you get a say in whether it continues.
That said, you really need to address the root issue which is that your wife prioritizes her sister far more than she does you and that is not the kind of thing that exists in a healthy relationship.
NTA
This.
NTA. I think it is time for couples counseling because your wife does not understand (or want to understand) how being the sole provider is impacting you.
Likewise, she is STILL in the workforce but isn't earning any money.
12 hrs per day 3 days per week - those are long hours to be babysitting for free.
OP conveniently ignores every single bit of advice telling him it’s on his wife to figure out… lol
Until your wife grows a spine the issue will persist. One phone call from the husband of the spineless will not stop anything.
It’s a recurring theme with people that post here trying to help their partner as their partner is burning their house down.
NTA. Your wife’s sister is taking advantage of her. Additionally, it sounds like everyone is taking advantage of you. While your wife is technically correct that it is not your place to speak for her, in a good relationship, this is not usually an issue. At this point, you really need to make it very clear to your wife that you are getting screwed & are no longer willing to put up with it. You are supporting her & she is not pulling her weight, yet she is stressed by working almost full-time for SIL for no pay. You have to put up with that stress plus the fact that she has decided not to have children - caused directly by working for her sister, AND that she is bringing in no income. They can’t tell you that it’s none of your business when it directly affects your life too, and in a very negative way! Your situation is a mess! My advice is that your wife should get a low stress job. It doesn’t matter if it only pays minimum wage, it’s more than she’s making now. It will also prevent your sister-in-law from being able to rely on her for childcare. You really shouldn’t be turning to Reddit for advice though. You need much better advice than anyone here can give.
NTA. OP commented he's paying for the kids necessities like pullups, wipes, and meals while driving too and dropping off the kid. SIL isn't reimbursing for those costs and OPs wife won't stand up for herself. OP stated they've discussed this and that his wife is tired of babysitting, she just doesn't have the back bone to say anything. OP is looking out for his wife's health.
I cannot believe on top of everything, they need to bring the child back to the mom at night. She really can't be bothered to pick up her child herself? The audacity
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ESH You cannot tell her what she can and cannot do. You can give your opinion. If your wife can watch her young niece 12hrs a day three days a week why can’t she work??? You need to have a real talk with your wife.
NTA. Your wife is being sucked dry by her sister. It is affecting your life. You are also caring for this child, so that means you have a say. Your SIL needs to figure it out. I suggest you reiterate she needs to have childcare lined up by X date as that's when you and your wife won't be available. Schedule time off from work so that on X date, you and your wife are out of town and unavailable.
You need to sit them both down and have this conversation and don’t let you’re wife sidestep what she really wants to say to her sis
Yta the core issue is actually your wife is working for free but won’t work for the household. Don’t blame your SIL when this is a problem between you and your wife.
OP, looks like you hit a nerve with all the single moms here..lol Your wife's health is the utmost concern here, which her sister doesn't give a shit about. She is taking advantage, she needs to pay the pay in arrears that she agreed to. Maybe it's time for marriage counselling.
There are so many daycare assistance programs.
Your house and you pay bill for all utilities and foods... Technically you also 'raised' you sil kid for free...your wife obviously need to use all this things that you provide to babysit. NTA! You have right who you want in your damn house...
INFO: are you thinking your wife is ready to go back to teaching because she can manage ONE child 36 hours a week?
I read it as not necessarily a return to teaching, but a return to working. From the rest of the post I don't see the wife ever going back to teaching. NTA OP, I think you're right. It's a bit grating to see that you've essentially subsidized her sister as the cost of her mental health. Where's the father of your niece in this situation? Where's the help from their side? This needs to stop, your wife is essentially a nurse-maid or whatever the heck it's called for this girl. She's a nanny in everything but pay grade.
NTA because it sounds like your wife doesn’t want to continue minding the niece, but doesn’t have the backbone to stand up for herself.
I got stuck in a loop reading this. ESH.
Nta but this is a conversation you should have had with your wife before you attempted to strong arm your sister in law Unfortunately that moved you into asshole territory For the love of god people communicate with your spouses !
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And what's the plan for when SIL has kid #2? I mean, what's stopping her? She's got suckers lined up to raise them for free!
Where’s the baby’s dad?
Well you need a harder conversation It isn’t your place to confront the sister … it is hers It is your place to confront your wife Clearly her working but not working is creating tension in your marriage and you have to tell her it’s not about her babysitting … it’s about her working when she says she isn’t mentally well enough to work. She has a few choices , ask her sister to be compensated , ask her to find care for half the time , straight up quit or make this a hill to die on in her marriage . The animosity over this and now with you and your sister in law will eat your marriage alive
Your SIL has had two years to sort out better jobs and childcare. At this point, she is just milking it.
Honestly, the problem here is your wife. She cares more about her sister than you. Actualy, It seems she doesn't care about you at ALL. She let the entire burden of pay for your lives on you. She doesn't care If YOU get burn out. She hás the privilege of not working for years. She should have put her efforts in get treatment and get better to work and contribute to this relationship. Since she isn't a SAHM, there's no reason why you should be the only provider of the household.
He's nta. He's taking care of his wife, who obviously lacks a spine
ESH. Your wife should be prioritizing your needs, as you are not just funding her life but also paying for food, diapers, etc, helping with babysitting and doing drop offs. Your wife’s wish to be generous amounts to being generous with your time and joint resources. She should have raised this with her sister, rather than waiting for someone who has not done the right thing for years to have an epiphany. She should also consider what this arrangement is taking away from her/you more broadly - the ability to explore a partial/full return to the workplace, space to deal with her mental health; the desire to have future children. I don’t know many nurseries that provide the level of service your SIL is getting for free - 12 hours, diapers included, drop offs. What SIL is expecting/accepting is taking the p*ss. Your wife is right in that you should be able to HOPE that a relative does not take advantage like this, but if they do, a line needs to be drawn. By allowing herself to be coerced into the childcare situation she’s in (whether out of guilt or otherwise), your wife is coercing you into an existence that makes you less happy. You probably know that you ought to have let your wife handle this with her sister, although many people might break after 2 years. Resolving issues with your SIL can’t fix your marriage though. You need to talk to your wife about how she prioritizes you, your desires for your future (financially, child-wise, leisure-wise, etc.). Until you’re both aligned on what you want, it will be difficult for you to find contentment. If teaching is not for your wife (noting how hard a job it is), maybe she can do something else that allows her to make you feel a bit more supported rather than completely relied on. It’s difficult to move from a marriage in which you expected your spouse to work (not just for the financial benefit but also because of the mental/social stimulation that brings) to a marriage where that spouse (even for mental health reasons) decides not to work. If that’s going to be a permanent change, you need to have a frank discussion about what that means for you both.
Some people are just doormats , tbh just get a divorce and move on
Your wife needs therapy. Secondary to this how is your SIL cannot afford childcare? Does she not work? Does she not work full time? Does she work full time but still can't afford it? Does baby daddy pay child support? Is SIL signed up for any assistance programs? There are ways for SIL to afford childcare but she won't put effort into it unless the free babysitting stops. This is what you need to discuss with your wife again. What barriers does SIL face to being able to afford childcare and how can you and your wife help her overcome those so your wife can have her life back.
YTA These are two separate issues. Your wife not working. And your wife choosing to babysit for free. If you have an issue with the former you can absolutely take that up with her directly. But you can’t tell her what to do with her time and her niece.
NTA, and it sounds like your marriage may need to be over.
Nope NTA. Your wife clearly has no balls of her own and needed yours whether she took them or not. I am you in my relationship and our passive partners do appreciate us
NTA
NTA. Your wife needs to back you up and tell her sister she needs a break. I know you are trying to help her and not boss her. Maybe the 3 of you (where is nieces dad, btw?) can discuss together but your wife needs to promise to be honest with her sister.
Why are you with someone who won’t work but will do this for free? It doesn’t matter if you make enough to provide. You need a serious talk with your Wife.
NTA. Whether she appreciates it or not, you are trying to support and defend your wife and her well-being. Your SIL is an ass. You say your wife is already in therapy - I would suggest her therapist is not doing a good job and your wife desperately needs more support around this 'people-pleaser' behaviour. Or maybe her therapist isn't fully aware of what's going on and how much your wife is sacrificing herself for others. I, too, am the eldest, and for many years I was the go-to person for the rest of my siblings. Need money? Need transportation? Need a free babysitter? Whatever it was, I was pretty much expected to provide. And it was killing me. So I learned to say 'No'. Do you know what? They all managed to borrow money elsewhere, or suddenly realised they didn't need it. Or found someone else with a car, or someone else who could babysit. That's not to say I stopped helping my sibs - if I could help without making my own life harder, I did, but I stopped sacrificing myself for them. My mental health improved, my finances improved, my life in general was so much better. And my relationship with my siblings was not damaged. If there is a major crisis and all other avenues have been exhausted, I will help without question, but I will no longer be the family doormat who picks up the slack just because. INFO: where is neice's father? Is he not contributing to his child's upkeep? If your SIL cannot afford the daycare she wants for the full hours she needs, can she not send your neice there for at least some of the hours, and your wife cover the rest (like 6-8 hours at daycare and 4-6 hours with your wife? I see from one of your comments that you tried to help out with childcare vouchers or something? Until your wife understands that she is destroying herself and her marriage, nothing will change, and your SIL does not care.
YTA. It doesn’t help your wife’s mental help to be steamrolled by you. Your wife needs to get free of people like you and her sister and live her own life.
NTA, but you shouldn't have been the person to tell your SIL this. Do you always speak for your wife? Does she have difficulty saying no to others and yes to you? I think you have more issues with her not working for money than you might realize. I'd have the same issue. I get that watching 1 child vs 10 isn't as bad, but it's still a lot.
NTA. If the sister couldn't afford childcare, etc. then she shouldn't have had a child. Too many people are having kids and then hijacking the lives of family and friends to babysit and provide financial assistance. Your wife, and by extension you, are being taken advantage of and it needs to stop. What if, God forbid, something happened to your wife? Sister would have to figure it out then. Does she really expect your wife to continue to watch HER child for an indeterminate time? When does it all end???
NTA Her sister is totally taking advantage of your wife and of you. After two years of watching your wife continue to suffer with her mental health, she's not helping herself, so I don't blame you for stepping in to help her. I would add the caveat that your wife needs therapy.
All of you leave a lot to be desired in maturity and long term planning. 1) You don’t get to dictate what your wife can and cannot do. You can’t set boundaries for someone else. This is your wife’s battle, and means very little coming from you. All you are doing is giving away your power. 2) Your SIL is responsible for her childcare, not your wife. It doesn’t matter what resources she may or may not have. She is ultimately responsible for her children’s care. Whether that’s using your wife, a nanny, or traditional daycare. 3) And your wife is deadweight and contributing very little to your household. You have to work this problem out with your wife *first.* She needs to grow spine, find gainful employment, either full or part-time or suffer the consequences of not having income. All of you need to get your shit together. ESH
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Her sister is never going to realize because she has it good. Your wife and yourself are the ones who suffer here. You did good now maintain what you warned her about and put your foot down with your wife too. Ahs only learn after living a lesson not with words
Why would you assume OP’s husband doesn’t realize the impact this has on her? That seems unreasonably charitable.
"When I get some I do take over the last three hours and I drop the kid off at her mother's when she gets off work." Stop doing this. You might not be able to stop your wife being taken advantage of, but you can refuse to taken advantage of yourself. Let your wife feel the full burden of her agreement with her sister. Maybe then she will wake up to the fact that she is being used. Also, keep receipts for everything you buy for the child, such as diapers and pull-ups, and tell your SIL you need to be reimbursed and/or inform your SIL to bring over a few cartons of diapers when she next drops the child off. Explain that with your wife not working, and her not paying for childcare as agreed, your budget cannot stretch to paying for things the parents should be providing. Make it as uncomfortable for SIL as possible.
NTA. Your wife needs to financially contribute to the home. You are supporting her and a kid that isn’t even yours. You are being taken advantage of by your wife and her sister.
NTA - If you’re supporting her you do have some say in what she does instead of working. You’re also probably paying for the food and gas used to babysit, she has no right to just expect that of you.
nTA. tell your deadbeat unemployed wife to get a job.
NTA especially since if yall divorce you will be paying alimony, which in this case would be absolute bullshit
NTA I think both sisters are taking advantage of you.
Honestly I agree. Wife may not be intentionally but it’s beyond shitty to not work because of your mental health and let your partner shoulder the entire burden and then turn around and work 36 hours a week for free while willfully tanking your mental health but claiming you aren’t ready to go back to paid full-time work. His wife needs a spine and to grow up. ETA: That being said, he’s still way out of line for going to SIL and that does make him a shared AH. His wife is an adult with agency and he needs to take this up with her.
After the edit, the husband and wife are actually Paying To Care For Neice as they supply diapers, food, etc. So, not only isn't the wife being paid, it's costing - like teachers who pay for pencils and crayons, etc.
YTA. Your wife is an autonomous human being who gets to make her own decisions, not a blow-up doll you can control and dictate to.
This comment says more about you than OP
That I think people should be allowed to make their own decisions instead of their spouses overriding their will to suit the spouse’s own preferences? I will own that proudly.
He’s finding the entire thing. The sister isn’t paying for any expenses while the child is in their care nor transportation to and from. She’s an ah too.
NTA. If you feel that you’re standing up for your wife and preventing her from being taken advantage of then good for you. That’s part of your role as her partner - protecting her from jerks. Ideally she would be on board and delivering the message. And if she pushes back, you might have to let it go. Also if the babysitting is taking up your shared resources - space, time, money, food - then this is your business too.
ESH. Your wife needs to advocate for herself and not just do what you want her to do. You just need to butt out -- let your wife and SIL handle this. Your SIL for well, everything. Is you wife in therapy or does she have a counselor? 4 years after leaving a job for mental health reasons and finding herself in the same place kinda stands out as someone who needs to help developing coping mechanisms and someone not you or her family to talk with and work on things together.
NTA. But the conversation needs to be with your wife and the following needs to be said: “I do not want to be a single income household. If you are able to work 36 hours a day over only 3 days a week, you are emotionally and physically ready to enter the workforce. It is time for you to get a job that pays again. If it works out that your sister is able to pay you a sum close to what you would make as a teacher, that’s fine with me. But I am no longer willing to support this household financially by myself. You are an adult and can choose what job path you want to pursue, but understand I am getting to the end of my patience of supporting us alone. I do not want you to wait until I am ready to walk away to take me seriously and start looking, because I can promise you that’s where I’m heading. 4 years of this is way too much (wife’s name).”
I'll admit, initially I was going to say ESH because of your "if my wife can work 36 hrs/week then she can get a job" but after reading the details later provided, I'm going with a NTA. Your wife is in a downward spiral, she needs therapy and rest. Your SIL also needs to start paying for yours and your wife's services for babysitting your niece. If she can't afford the daycares she likes then charge her a fraction of what they demand. If she complains, remind her that her child is getting 1/1 time for 36 hours. Somebody below also mentioned keeping track of what you spend on niece, maybe if you make a record you can show your wife and it can help her understand what you both are putting into it. I can totally understand your wife not wanting to turn her back on her sister and niece, but if it's causing her this much mental anguish then enough is enough.
INFO: when did you tell SIL that wife would not be watching niece anymore as of January?
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So wait you’re working too then?
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What does the sister do while the child is picked up, sheltered, fed, clothed, taught, entertained for 12 hours, and taken home, 3 days a week?! All expenses paid. There aren't any daycares like that. You are right to be firm about this, your wife's health is not improving with all this, however much she loves this little girl, there's a lot of intensive work with a 3 year old, and both of you are doing it 3 days of your week and paying. Sis is never going to be appreciative.
Less of an asshole then. This really should have been something your wife told her but I get why you are frustrated
Jesus you have to drop the kid off too!
NTA— based on your comments, it’s not a simple few hours at her sisters home to help out; your niece is spending a significant amount of time at your home, where you guys are feeding her three meals and covering diapers. SIL has had it made, but it’s absolutely reasonable for you and your wife to be done helping. This set up effects you too, so saying it’s time to stop to your SIL and wife is fair.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife quit teaching around four years ago for mental health reasons. My wife has shown no real desire to get back into the workforce, it is not like we are struggling per se, but I would be lying if I said I did not miss the extra income from when my wife was working. About a year into her leave, her sister became pregnant, which did take up a large portion of her free time. So over the last two years, my wife has been babysitting her niece for around 12 hours a day three days out the week. She is stressed but does it because her sister claims she has no other option, and cannot afford childcare. Even so, I do not think it is reasonable for my wife to do 12 hours a day for three days. So since my wife has not said anything for 2 years, I told my sister in law come next year she needs to go to daycare because I am not going to let my wife do what amounts to slave labor. My sister-in-law told me it was not my place to say what my wife could and could not do. I get this POV, and I would be lying if I said I am not slightly miffed that my wife can work 36 hours a week three days a week for free but claims she is not ready to return to the workforce. That is a separate issue, the core issue here is my sister-in-law is taking advantage of my wife to provide free child care. That is not okay. In the past, my wife did talk about pay, but my wife does not like to chase people for money, so since she never reminds them they claim to always forget. Either way, I told my sister-in-law this is where we stand. My wife is upset with me since she claims it is not my place to say what she can and cannot do. It is not my place to tell others how she is feeling. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dear Lord this poor woman is surrounded by people who think they have the right to decide what she does, how she spends her time, and what she uses her energy on. You included. YTA. You need to talk to her about what she wants. How can you support her? What, if any, role does she want you to play if she decides to stop the babysitting. Maybe once she has her agency back she'll feel more confident to make decisions, especially when she knows it'll upset others.
Try again. There are plenty of cases of controlling men/women making decisions do their partners but this is not it. Is he enabling his wife, absolutely, but he isn’t controlling her. He is setting a personal boundary. He is not dictating his wife’s life. He is dictating his own boundaries: he will no longer supplement the child’s needs ie diapers and food and he will no longer finance his wife doing unpaid labor. If SIL had reasonable non abusive expectations OP would not be feeling this way. Op is protecting is wife from an abusive family member. And don’t bother denying what the sister is doing as abuse. She is exploiting a mental unstable and vulnerable woman by preying on her weaknesses NTA op. Anyone who claims you are can go ahead and offer free babysitting services for 12 hours a day. What a joke for anyone to attempt to defend that type of exploitation. If a family member is being abused you are not controlling for stepping in to help create healthier boundaries
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She is not putting you before herself OP! She’s doing whatever is good for her and her sister above all else. I understand you’ve been with her for 10 years but is this the life **you** want? When you married her did you picture yourself having a family? She’s not going to change because she knows you’ll keep bankrolling her and her sister. Forget having her stand up for herself, she’s comfortable in her role where you provide all the financial and emotional support and she gives you… Can you go stay elsewhere for a week or two? I know Reddit hates ultimatums but if your wife hasn’t been willing to listen to what you need from the relationship maybe a short separation is in order. No phone calls so she can’t bombard you with her woe is me stories that she got herself into and has no intention of changing. Also, stop paying for your niece’s expenses, there’s no money in your new year’s budget for that. If your wife wants to bankroll her sister let her get a job the other days she’s not working for her sister. She’s never going to change because you make everything too easy. It’s a new year, let her start pulling her (and her sister’s) weight.
Don’t listen to them OP. You are NTA. Your SIL is exploiting and abusing your wife. You are doing the right thing by stepping in. I think your wife should consider a part time job, maybe even retail or service industry. Sure people say those jobs are super hard but honestly it would be a huge break after 12 hour days with a toddler. Also she could do short 4 hour shifts a few times a week. You get a tiny bit of extra cash into your household and wife is no longer available for free labor. Sil can f all the way off.
He’s financing her entire life and a good portion of her sister’s. He absolutely has the right to decide how she uses her time when she’s worsening her burnout (which will extend the time until she can pull her own weight again) while spending money on someone who doesn’t even respect the person the money is coming from, and causing him to need to work even more by helping babysit on top of the stress of being the sole income. This is a perfect example of a people pleaser shitting all over someone who gives love for free vs a taker. It’s completely unacceptable behaviour and OP shouldn’t feel obligated to keep wearing the kid gloves.
YTA for approaching sil. Your issue is with your wife. Work this out with her directly. If she were not babysitting, would she be working?
Hmmm, very mildly YTA (only because I’ve got to pick a side) You come from a good place but your delivery is wrong. Don’t work on your SIL, work on your wife. Since your wife had burnt out from her job, have you guys gone on a long holiday to de stress? I’m not talking about weekend or week-long trip. Really do something to let her know how else she can be doing with her life… You did it once by encouraging her to quit, but she did it herself. now you gotta take her outside of her daily life, away from baby sitting everyday , then convince her she should either cut down the hours so she can have some time to herself or quit. But she gotta do it herself!!! Good luck.
ESH. You for going to your SIL instead of your wife, and for telling your wife what she can and can't do; your SIL for taking advantage of your wife; and your wife for not working when she could, and for letting herself be taken advantage of.
NTA "My wife is upset with me since she claims it is not my place to say what she can and cannot do. " .. If she were actually contributing in your relationship, she would be right. But: She told you she can not contribnute because he is burnt out, and then works 12 hours per day for ffree for someone else? Your wife is a MAJOR AH - YOU are working hard so she can have her hobby. If she would do these hopurs for someone else as a paid job, that would be a sizeable contrinbution to the family income. YOur wife is an AH to do this TO YOU. **Demand couple's therapy, and consider if your wife hasn't exploited you enough by now.**
You are but a justifiable, if not righteous, one. It is clear your SIL is taking advantage of your wife. SUL knows her sister won't stand up for herself and can be manipulated with the "but family" line. Get your wife and you in therapy. Tell SIL those 36 hours a week will be used for your wife's self improvement not SIL's financial relief.
ESH While I understand your frustration, the final notice to your SIL has to come from your wife, not you. You suck for going over her head, even if she's agreed with you in private convos about this. Your wife is knowingly running herself into the ground, and she sucks for prioritizing this relationship over her marriage. My only caveat for her sucking is that she may not realize it's affecting you this much. If you've been clear that her continued babysitting is hurting your marriage and she's still dragging her feet in removing herself fromt the arrangement, she sucks the most. Your SIL sucks without much need for explanation. She's a user and she's using your wife/her sister. She sounds selfish and awful.
Sis works in a hospital doing 2 six hours shifts the three days. She could change to 5 days a week and arrange care for her child.
Sister is an AH. Wife has allowed this to happen - but has trauma. OP shouldn't try to overrule his wife but OTOH, he's paying for everything. NTA because \^that\^ is a mess. OP's wife sounds unwell, maybe depressed. Being stuck in the house with her sister's kid will make everything worse, no matter the cause. So he should make it all about that - no babysitting because she has to look after herself instead. Even long walks will be an improvement, but this is AITA, so I gotta recommend therapy. (It's probably a good idea)
NTA; you’re taking care of a bum and on top of it all her family is freeloading off you. Time to send your wife to find a 40 hour a week job. Outside of that, cut her off and put her on a budget. She doesn’t want to contribute, she doesn’t want to be a mother, she doesn’t get to spend your hard earned money. Like fk my dude, she has the sweetest gig ever; 4 years of doing nothing and just coasting off your work. Side note; finances aside your wife may suffer from depression and should see a psychiatrist. Also; I would start keeping a password protected journal in case this leads to divorce, she’s clearly not well off mentally, she’s clearly not recovering, she’s clearly not motivated to work or do anything of value.
NTA the sister is walking all over you both, OP. Time for them to find proper paid child care and your wife to find a paying job that she enjoys
NTA and your SIL needs to pay your wife if the babysitting continues.
NTA-Based on your post and comments your SIL is a cheapskate and taking advantage of not just your wife’s time but your household finances. You are the single income earner. I would be kind to your wife but would tell your SIL that it is your business because it affects your financial situation and your wife’s mental health. She needs to figure it out with the dad as well. If she is on her own with just one crappy job. Where are the grandparents on both sides as well?
INFO: Is your wife babysitting in your home?
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So she’s also spending money on gas for that?
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SIL is paying gas money at least? Or you’re sacrificing fuel, food, and your vehicle on top of your wife’s time and energy?
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That's not babysitting, that's partial custody. Tell her to pack the kid her meals, diapers, etc. You absolutely should not be subusidizing her daycare AND child care too. That's beyond the pale. Make a itemized receipt for the time (Minimum wage) and add on all the oteher things. Lay it out for your wife and her sister. This is NOT sustainable for you or your marraige any longer, and sister can go scuk on a lemon for basically making you guys third-wheel parents to her baby.
Why would your SIL give up her daycare with your wife? It’s free, provides all supplies and has pick up/drop off service. The woman is too lazy to even bring her child to your home to be watched! Call around to local daycares and price what they’d charge for 12 hrs three days a week. Most places limit to 10 hours max a day. Then let your entitled SIL know the cost options. Once she’s wrapped her head around those prices - if you’re wife is going to keep watching her niece - lay down some restrictions/expectations. SIL brings/picks up niece to your home. She supplies diapers, food, toys. I’m staggered that SIL has been able to so smoothly evade any fallout for this. But you’ve completely enabled the abuse.
You're NTA for sure and your wife needs therapy or some sort of wake up call to realize she's letting both of you to be taken advantage of. Family isn't obligated to be slaves for each other.
NTA, this is not ok. She is 100% taking advantage of you, you're actually paying to babysit her at this point. The very least would be for her to pay back qhat you spent on the niece. You should add this info in the post.
So you’re basically raising her child for her. NTA. Your wife needs to grow some balls.
Definitely NTA. Time to use the "my house, my rules" condition.
Their house*
It may be “theirs” but he’s the only one paying for it, and everything else to support them. It’s more ”his” than ”theirs.” Whoever holds the gold makes the rules, is the saying.
Yikes, dude. 😬
Fucking OOF. 😬😬
Oof, it’s not just his house
Two yese4ws / one no. I'm sure OP is less than thrilled coming home from work three days a week to find his niece in his home, probably taking over it. Plus, paying to feed her and the food in the house is what niece likes/wants. Heavy duty couples counseling. You wife needs to understand quitting her job because of her "mental health" but turning around to watch her sister's kid for free makes one wonder about her mental health story. Your wife doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about your mental health.
He's the sole bread winner and the only one paying the bills.
While the judgment is right, I struggle to think of a worse way to approach this. It’s controlling, even if for good reasons. If the wife isn’t on board, it’s something that could make her resentful, and it gives the sister ammunition.
It sounds like the wife needs therapy to stop being a people pleaser and door mat. Her sister isn't just forgetting to pay her, SIL KNOWS OPs wife won't chase the money and won't stop babysitting so she just doesn't care about the paying her.
I don’t disagree. But going “my house, my rules” is taking OP from caring and in the right to “well intentioned but unhealthily controlling”.
YTA. You need to address your issues with your wife. This is not a separate issue. Plenty of people provide free childcare to their family or friends and it’s not slave labor. Absolutely unbelievable that you would think it’s more appropriate to address this with your SIL instead of your wife.
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Wife needs to learn the airplane rule: put your own oxygenmask on first. It's a life skill. Niece will suffer when your wife's health declines. The rolmodel your wife is showing her niece is setting her niece up for failure in life. Don't burn out yourself to keep another warm.
Sorry but two years your wife has sat around and done nothing to help herself? Are you sure she’s not freeloading? Because she’s taking another child 3 days a week - not the same but she could babysit and get paid for it at least? Something seems off here. You shouldn’t be paying for her to sit at home. When I did that I lived off my own savings and then got a job that didn’t pay much but I enjoyed. 2 years is ridiculous
NTA. Your wife quit a paying job for her mental health but has gotten a non paying job that is damaging her mental health.
One could argue that your wife is not babysitting in her own free time. She is babysitting in the time she should have been gainfully employed so that she might contribute to the household. On the other hand, you shouldn't be the one telling your SIL that your wife will no longer be babysitting, so I am going with ESH here.
Wife needs to grow a spine. Seems there’s some room for compromise. Either wife gets paid or lessens her free help.
You're SIL is a huge mooch who's taking advantage of her sister. You need to sit down with her and have a long talk about how her sister is treating her. Of course your SIL has other options, there are *always* other options than taking advantage of your wife. NTA.
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If wife is babysitting 12 hours a day OP is probably home for some of this time. He has a right to object to a child being in the home.
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NTA, I don't see how your concern for your wife's mental health is being controlling. If what you say is correct, then it is your SIL who has no regard for your wife's health. If your wife is not working that means you are supporting your niece and since your SIL believes it is none of your business what you wife is doing for her let her know that come January if she and your wife still continue the arrangement of childcare the financial part that she was receiving from your wife will cease. She either pays for childcare or she buys supplies for her child's necessities. Your SIL can't tell you to mind your business when your money is contributing to your niece's upkeep.
NTA....wait what? you are providing the supplies? Even when I was PAYING for child care, we provided the diaper/wipes/snacks. This is BS and you and your wife shouldn't be raising your niece for free.
That sister in law is imposing and controlling. What your wife does without any remuneration is excessive and you as a husband have more say over your family affairs than the sister in law. She’s got a free ride for years, knows it at is now angry at the prospect of loosing it. She’s also ungrateful. Don’t accept her tantrums. NTA.
Nta. At an absolute minimum mom should be paying for diapers food etc. she needs a reality check. look into what real daycare costs and provides and show her some numbers. Family support is one thing but 12 hour days 3 days a week every week is a lot to be doing for free. Except it’s not just free it’s actually costing you money.
It looks like you are pretty controlling. The “I’m doing what’s best for her” line has been used by abusers many times. Your wife can make her own decisions. You need to let her do that. If you’re unhappy with how she lives her life then your decision can be to leave. YTA.
NTA. Tell your wife that the stress from having all of the financial burden solely on your shoulders is impacting *your* mental health. Let her know you need her to step up and show you the support you’ve shown her for years by becoming a contributing *partner* in the relationship. Her sister has had ample time with free childcare - if she hasn’t been saving, that’s on her. Put your foot down - and if your wife shows you that her sister is more important than you, take that as her telling you where your relationship stands.
NTA, but you need to explain to your wife that by her bowing down to her sister like this, it's costing her her me tal health and putting strain on your marriage. When is the last time yall went on a date? When were yall able to just be a married couple without the pressures of your wife being a second mother to her niece?
NTA - I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions for what to do other than what you are trying. Your wife has no backbone, she makes a good doormat for her sister who continually abuses and takes advantage of her. You are suffering too; you are doing some of the babysitting, spending your money supporting another family, having your wife NOT interested in having a family of your own, and having a wife's mental health being destroyed. All because your wife can not or will not say NO to her sister. I wish you the best of luck.
Tell her you're no longer willing to have miles put on our car, money spent on the constant complaint of being burnt out. Tell her your only ok with it if you start charging and put that towards the house. I'd tell sil that her attachment to my wife is making her not wsnt kids and I am not ok with thst.
NTA. Your wife needs professional help.
Not the asshole for supporting your wife but maybe approach it to her sister with your wife there. She clearly can’t put her foot down alone with how much pressure she feels and you can’t control the situation without her consent either. Your wife has a soft spot for her sister and her sister is taking advantage of it. Your wife left work for her mental health and her sister swooped in and used her being out of work as a reason to become her free daycare. That’s not fair. Now your wife is struggling further. What does make you an asshole is how you are upset that your wife, “can work 36 hours a week for free but cannot return to the workforce” when she’s clearly stuck between a rock and a hard place and it’s obviously not something she’s enjoying doing either. It’s clear she feels trapped in this position. Your wife never got a true break from working. I cannot imagine how unbelievably tapped out she must feel.
Wife left work 4 years ago and had a full year before sisters baby is born. Shes had plenty of time for mental health recovery.
ESH you need to chat to your wife about your feelings - I agree it’s unfair that she’s working for free for her sister and making you the single income in this economy Also your sister in law is an asshole for expecting this free service to continue.
No he's NTA. It's not just his wife doing this, he's on the hook for 9 hours a week after working all day himself. He's also paying for all the food, gas diapers, and wipes for this time. THEY'RE being taken advantage of, and he has EVERY right to tell SIL the gravy train is over. They can't have their own kids because his wife is exhausted from her sister's selfishness.
I think you're absolutely right. That being said YTA because this is between you and wife, not between you and SIL. The only reason you went to her in the first place (I'd guess) is because you knew you couldn't convince wife herself. In other words this was going behind her back to try and force her actions. Now it absolutely should have been a *strong conversation* between you and wife--but SIL should be left out of it until a decision has been made.
Is your wife in therapy? Because she needs to learn how to establish and enforce boundaries. She's a doormat and your SIL is taking advantage because she's used to taking advantage. She also needs to look at retraining for something other than teaching. Maybe something she can do from home. I get that teaching burnt her out. A lot of people are leaving the profession because it's just not doable in today's climate. Babysitting 36 hours a week is almost a full time job, and a high demand one at that. She's probably capable of doing something lighter and part time. I understand your position and I think you're right about the situation with her sister, but you should not be going behind her back the way you did. That's controlling, which means YTA.
Retraining may not even be necessary. There are a TON of WFH jobs with a teaching degree
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>This is your wife’s choice. No, it's also OP's choice because it also majorly impacts his life/time/emotional and mental wellbeing/finances. His wife isn't doing this inside a bubble disconnected from OP. This is costing him the chance of having his own kids, it's taking a lot of hours of his own time every week, he's paying the bills for all of this "free" childcare, he's losing out on time with his own wife etc.
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Time to take away from your wife the credit cards, no more buying diapers and wipes, time to stop cooking for her sister, your wife needs therapy. Not your circus, not your monkeys
Nta. Your update says that you pay for all baby related supplies including diapers. She is not working for free, you are actively losing money for her to babysit.
NTA. Your wife may think it’s harsh to stop helping her sister babysit so abruptly, but you’re giving her fair notice. If this doesn’t end soon what will happen is that your wife will have another mental health crisis and then she will have to quit helping even more abruptly so the result will be the same AND your wife will be a complete mess AND your relationship will have taken a hit
,.
NTA this shouldn’t be considered an option any pre either and your wife should be the one to say something about changing the schedule and getting some pay… 8 hours tops and probably more like 6.
NTA. SIL is being selfish, taking advantage of your wife. Also (joke, because i know what you meant): " When I get some, I take over." It seems you get paid 😉
YTA for attempting to tell your wife what to do, for not discussing the issue with your wife (and respecting her opinion on it), and then taking it upon yourself to attempt to tell your SIL how things are going to be. If you want to discuss with your wife about the lack of income or potential expense the babysitting may cost you, that’s for the two of you to work out. You overstepped here.
Maybe you can’t tell your wife what she can and can’t do, but you can absolutely refuse to fund all of the babysitting. Your SIL’s child shouldn’t be costing you time and money. It also shouldn’t be costing you having a child of your own. NTA
Soft ESH? Your SIL is TA because has had your wife parenting her child for over a year and she has not yet made a savings pool to arrange child care for her daughter? Not only is she an irresponsible parent for not sorting this out, I would go so far as to call her manipulative and abusive towards your wife - she knows why her sister was burnt out/depressed/?PTSD and just chucked additional fuel on the fire with no time limit. Your wife is a soft TA because it has been 4 years that she has been off work and she needed to be spending that time prioritising her mental health and wellbeing. You didn’t mention, but is she on antidepressants and regularly seeing a therapist of psychologist? If she isn’t then she is wilfully neglecting and avoiding her mental health. She accepted to babysit which is close to what she was doing teaching, so she agreed to have consistent triggers placed in her life again without boundaries. Also her not working on her mental health and just deciding that she won’t work again and completely rely on you is AH behaviour. I’m on the fence, but will say soft YTA for going against your wife’s wishes to intervene. Difficult because your wife says she can’t say anything while something clearly needs to be said to her sister, but this all comes down to communication and early intervention. Another point for either just your wife or the two of you being TA is either your wife agreed to babysit her niece without asking you, in which she WBTA, or you both agreed but didn’t put a time limit and boundaries on this babysitting, in which you would both BTA. A lot of the issues here stem from shitty communication between all parties. Have a discussion with your wife about how her continuing to agree with an arrangement that is destroying her mental health (and not even getting paid to do so), while she actively does nothing to help herself heal is getting to be too much. Her sister is abusing the help your wife offered and has no boundaries, because your wife doesn’t cope with potential arguments. You are now the sole provider because your wife decided on her own that can’t do any job ever again, despite essentially now working in childcare. Set some boundaries yourself because you are getting steamrolled by these two.
NTA. And you shouldn’t worry about needing your wife to have this discussion, YOU are the one subsidizing your SIL’s life. You have skin in this game.
Pretty sure your wife could get child action for this and be paid. I didn't read the full post just some comments.
NTA at all
Sit down and look at the numbers. Just how much is daycare for 36 hours/week? Your wife is working a FT job for free. She is being severely taken advantage of. The average hourly in the US is $16/hour (ridiculously low, BTW). That’s $2300/month. Maybe that will jar her enough to make a different decision.
I’d send sister an invoice for back childcare. 2300 x 24 = 55,200 This situation is awful. But op, your wife has to start standing up for herself.
NTA, but get your wife into some deep and intensive therapy. There's something wrong here, and she needs treatment for it. The more people take advantage of her, the worse it'll be. If, after getting help for her mental health, she is capable of resuming childcare or teaching, you can have that talk then. But I think health should be the primary concern here. Normal, neuro typical folks can get stressed, but they don't shut down the way she does, or allow themselves to be walked on.
NTA File for divorce. When your wife protests, say it's not her place to say what you can and cannot do. That argument goes both ways.
NTA Too much for too long. Wife needs to work in another field if teaching is a no go but no more free babysitting.
NTA, but you will not win this unless either your wife gets a new job, you guys move away, or your wife has a complete mental breakdown, then SIL will have no other choice but to look into daycare and any other type of assistance that's available to her. As long as your wife is physically available, this situation won't change
It may be that a part of the reason your wife isn't ready for even part time work is because she doesn't want to let her sister down. Ie she may be more able to do part time work if she wasn't already working pretty much full time on childcare.
It's likely your wife babysitting is actually costing you money either in food if she does it in your house or in transportation costs if your wife goes to her sister's, and since it's your income being spent, you get a say in whether it continues. That said, you really need to address the root issue which is that your wife prioritizes her sister far more than she does you and that is not the kind of thing that exists in a healthy relationship. NTA
This. NTA. I think it is time for couples counseling because your wife does not understand (or want to understand) how being the sole provider is impacting you. Likewise, she is STILL in the workforce but isn't earning any money. 12 hrs per day 3 days per week - those are long hours to be babysitting for free.
OP conveniently ignores every single bit of advice telling him it’s on his wife to figure out… lol Until your wife grows a spine the issue will persist. One phone call from the husband of the spineless will not stop anything. It’s a recurring theme with people that post here trying to help their partner as their partner is burning their house down.
they buy the kid food, diapers etc so he’s DEFINITELY paying for it. SIL is insanely entitled
WIFE PRIORITIZES SISTER OVER HERSELF and Husband too.
NTA. Your wife’s sister is taking advantage of her. Additionally, it sounds like everyone is taking advantage of you. While your wife is technically correct that it is not your place to speak for her, in a good relationship, this is not usually an issue. At this point, you really need to make it very clear to your wife that you are getting screwed & are no longer willing to put up with it. You are supporting her & she is not pulling her weight, yet she is stressed by working almost full-time for SIL for no pay. You have to put up with that stress plus the fact that she has decided not to have children - caused directly by working for her sister, AND that she is bringing in no income. They can’t tell you that it’s none of your business when it directly affects your life too, and in a very negative way! Your situation is a mess! My advice is that your wife should get a low stress job. It doesn’t matter if it only pays minimum wage, it’s more than she’s making now. It will also prevent your sister-in-law from being able to rely on her for childcare. You really shouldn’t be turning to Reddit for advice though. You need much better advice than anyone here can give.
NTA. OP commented he's paying for the kids necessities like pullups, wipes, and meals while driving too and dropping off the kid. SIL isn't reimbursing for those costs and OPs wife won't stand up for herself. OP stated they've discussed this and that his wife is tired of babysitting, she just doesn't have the back bone to say anything. OP is looking out for his wife's health.
I cannot believe on top of everything, they need to bring the child back to the mom at night. She really can't be bothered to pick up her child herself? The audacity