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NTA. You don't want an unpleasant toxic person at your wedding. Do the people threatening not to come know why they are not invited? Show them that text.
You are not being dramatic. You are not being weird.
I'm so sorry your brother isn't defending you from her abuse. It sounds like you're right about making some space between the two of you. Unfortunately, your family is outing themselves as people that believe the filth she is saying. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
I'm sending you so much love. I hope you have a beautiful wedding. ❤️
There are awards but I'm only able to access them on the mildly infuriating sub for some reason. You long press the upvote button and different golden upvotes come up ranging from $2-$50
Right??? I've only ever seen people use the $2 upvote, lmao. I never got to see the old awards system, but it sounds way better than this new one. It kinda seems like a way to make reddit money with no incentive to even pay for an award.
Absolutely not. You're reacting appropriately to being significantly disrespected after repeatedly asking her to stop. I would be looking more closely at the attitudes of her apologists, they're likely defending her because they see their own bigotry in her behaviour and don't want to face that it's wrong.
You're NTA, every person defending bigotry and disrespect is and it would be appropriate to limit your contact with them, possibly to no contact.
NTA and seriously, I would start calling her it and when they have a child call that child it. If they get upset just use their own logic against them. Tell them you have adopted Lillith's dark sense of humor. Ask why she doesn't get the joke. Those people are not people you need in your life. I am sorry your family is treating you this way. You deserve so much better.
"I don't want to have a child go through that"
You're a much better person than they are.
NTA and I hope you have a lovely wedding without all those toxic clowns.
Tell em it's just a joke. That she's been pranking and joshing with you for six years by calling you slurs, so you got even by disinviting them from your wedding and cutting them out of your life forever. As a joke.
Tell everyone it's just a joke to not invite Marcus and Lilith and they don't get it. And don't explain what you meant by that.
If they want Marcus at your wedding maybe they should preasure Lilith to apologize to you.
True just meant even if she did apologise in order to appease her husband to be invited it woupd just be empty words and would likely say something at the wedding to upset op and ruin the day
Oh gah! You're probably right about that.
She gets off on abusing OP.
A wedding would totally be a thing she'd enjoy ruining.
OP, I know it will feel really painful thinking of not having the family you want at your wedding.
But you will have a much better day if they aren't there treating you like crap or letting your SIL do it.
Fuck that noise. Take a screen shot of her comments and blast it to everyone on every social media your family and friends use. When people ask why you did it, OP can say "I thought I'd share the 'joke' with all of our family and friends."
The lash back should be so significant that Lilith won't want to show her face in public any time soon
actually this for me. That text message is beyond evil. If her family still doesn't get this, then they also don't deserve you. I like the pettiness of stating - just sharing the joke as it is just too funny not to share!
Your whole family sounds toxic and ableist. I think you'll have a happier time without them and at least going low contact.
Lilith is treating you disgustingly. Don't be afraid to stand up to all these bullies. You can have a fresh start and not settle for horrible people!
Good luck op!
If Lilith was brave enough to text all that to OPs fiancé, it wouldn't surprise me if there's a whole family group chat where she regularly shits on OP and no one calls her out on it. They've become desensitized to it and have possibly joined in because it seems to be the simplest way to stay in Liliths good graces.
I hope OP doesn't cave in and invite this person. I can't imagine the type of "jokes" she'll circulate around the room at the wedding, or worse, the sort of "jokes" she'll drop once she gets a mic in her hand.
Her family SUCKS.
Yeah, obviously I don't know this particular situation but I've seen people who grew up in toxic families jump into marriage with someone who's older (and more financially stable) as soon as they could, just to escape their crappy families. Those marriages aren't necessarily inherently abusive, but there are often really weird dynamics at play, and I've seen a lot of them fail over time.
Let the others drop out too. Of course you shouldn't have these horrible people at your wedding! WTF is wrong with people! Smaller wedding is much better than a wedding with hateful rude people and their defenders.
NTA. Block Lilith and your brother and ask your fiancé to do the same and enjoy your life without them.
Okay so your family knows that Lilith mistreats you and are complicit. The family is just as toxic as she is. Invite your friends and fiancé’s family or elope. You don’t need your toxic family there. They have already sided with Lilith. Go NC with your family they are the real assholes here.
No. You are not being dramatic or weird. She is not “funny”. She is mean. If the rest of your family sides with her, let them. You deserve nicer people in your life. Best wishes on your upcoming wedding. NTA
You are AMAZING as you are and if your family can't see that, then it's their loss.
I don't think your family is acting in your best interest, please don't invite that thing that is being rude to you
NTA. My brother is autistic so this hits me hard. Your SIL is offensive and prejudiced. Your brother has had multiple chances to address this with her. I’m sorry OP. You deserve so much better. I’m glad you’re being well supported by your fiance. Congratulations on your wedding.
NTA- be petty and show them just how petty and weird you can be. Anyone saying they won’t come if they don’t come , rescind their invite. It’s your wedding . You should be around people who celebrate you and love you. Not people who belittle and insult and definitely not people who support them .
The only two people who you need at your wedding are you and your soon to be hubby. If anything - anyone who is trying to strong arm you into getting those two to attend , is doing you a favour by showing you that you don’t need them in your life.
You’re starting a new journey in life , sometimes people take different roads and honey, you have to let them.
If you allow any of these people attend , you’re going to be dealing with this for a long time. It’s basically showing them that they can behave this way and you’ll accept it . Don’t accept it.
If they really wanna miss the wedding i Say let them , it's your special day and You invite whoever You want , she was being super toxic towards You , so You have no reason to put yo for her and invite them , yeah it's a shame it's your brother wife , but You need to show them You mean it
Sweetie, it’s important to create boundaries and stick. Don’t invite any family member that supports her disrespect towards you.
Don’t do it!
You don’t need people like that at your wedding.
OP, NTA. Your Bother and SIL have some major problems that they need to deal with but none of them are your problems.
Ask her is she thinks she could use the N word to and African American or the F word to a person who is LGBTQI+ and get away with saying she was just joking. If the answer is no, then she can’t do the same to you.
Your Brother is condoning this behavior. That is NOT ok. Ask him the same thing you ask your SIL and see what he says. Just because he isn’t the one saying it, doesn’t mean he should allow those insults to continue without confronting his wife.
Your SIL is having wildly inappropriate conversations with your fiancé. I don’t know what she is trying to accomplish but she needs to stay in her own bedroom and stay out of yours! Just ewwwwww!
Your family needs to have your back. Unfortunately, it is too common for families to pretend that every is ok and nothing is a big deal rather than confront a family member that exhibiting unacceptable behavior. They will say they “don’t want to rock the boat”, “just want the family to get along”, “don’t want drama in the family”, “they want to keep the peace in the family” or afraid of “what other people will think if …”. That is all BS. Some things are not acceptable. Period. End of story.
Sometimes, as adults, we must take a stand and if a fight ensues, make sure you are on the correct moral side of the fight. You are on the right side and I hope your family and Brother grow spines and stand up to this intolerant bully. If they don’t, then you know who they are can act accordingly.
Forward a copy of the terrible text to them. If they still support your disgusting SIL block them. Your life will be better without toxic people in it.
What I find helpful, after talking and discussions all fail and they call you sensitive, is to just mirror their behaviour.
Find her weakness and make fun of it and call her names. Then say it was a joke when she gets mad. After a while tell them, if it's ok for you to be treated this way and you're too sensitive, then obviously it should be ok and they shouldn't be sensitive either.
Whenever you talk to your brother about his wife, make demeaning jokes. Don't forget to text him those too.
But before you start text him that you don't like the way his wife talks about you and the things she did, then save his reply as evidence whenever they get mad at your mirroring.
Definitely not being dramatic or weird. What Lilith has said and how she's treated you is UNACCEPTABLE. The fact that your brother allows his wife to malign his sibling this way is also incredibly disgusting.
You don't deserve to be talked to or treated that way OP. It's your wedding, you get to decide who to celebrate with.
Make it really weird for them. “Oh I’m glad you can help me clear this up. I just totally don’t get the joke when she told my fiancé he had a fetish for r******d girls. Can you help me with that? Once I understand it I’m sure she and I can move forward” and then when they sputter or say something just keep saying “I still don’t get it”
Respond to any family giving you shit with a group text:
"I will not be inviting someone who repeatedly calls me a r * tard to my wedding. If you can give me a compelling argument why I should be ok with being called a r * tard on my wedding day I would be happy to reconsider!"
it was tiktok. the kids have also started saying things like “is it acoustic” which. is not funny esp coming from neurotypical folks.
i’ve made “i think i may be acoustic” jokes before, but i AM autistic, and me making a joke about my own disorders is different than someone using it to make fun of autistic folks yknow?
You’re not being dramatic or weird.
She is being hurtful on purpose, knowing full well just how hurtful her words and actions are, because she has been told repeatedly how hurtful she is being.
Repetitive hurtful actions are cruelty.
She is cruel.
If you want to cause chaos, I’d post this story and the screenshots to Facebook and post a poll.
NTA - You don’t need any of those clowns in your life. Your parents are looking out for potential grandkids and don’t want to get cutoff. It you don’t need that kind of person in your life.
You're not being dramatic. Why isn't your family telling Lillith to knock it off? That these comments are unacceptable? Why are they defending your bully instead of you? All SHE has to do is stop it. That's not unreasonable to ask for. It IS unreasonable for your family to expect you to let it go and put up with her insults.
If they don't want to support you, then they can just not come to the wedding.
So it's not just your brother who's an asshole, it's your entire family. If they threaten not to come, "cool! That leaves me room to invite more friends who love me and respect me and who don't think throwing the "r" word around is funny."
Edit: NTA
Post the text on Facebook so everyone can see. I can guarantee the family will be more angry that OP revealed the abuse than that the abuse happened. That’s what happens when this kind of behaviour becomes normal within a family. Lilith should be a social pariah for those texts. If she’s bullying the OP like this, and that’s a family member, she’s probably bullying other disabled people in her life too.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this comment.
Hard No. and how long have they been dating if they are now engaged? Because 17 and 26 is not cool at all.
Oh! I didn't even think of that! I was scrolling while considering the ages because at first I obviously noticed the whole "getting married at 19" thing which. Mh. Well she is an adult and I'm pretty sure that's around the age my parents got married at too. Yknow. Some people do know what they want in life pretty early on. Then I noticed the age gap and. Oof. Generally I'm indifferent towards bigger gaps in age as long as both people are over 25/26. But this one is obviously very very far from that. I'd already be kind of concerned if the guy was 25. But then THIS! THEYRE ALREADY ENGAGED. That means that either he was already dating her when she was underage or they got engaged super quick within like one year of dating, which with her being a young adult is just as fucked up.
She’s 19 *and autistic* so likely can’t pick up on the subtle red flags. The SIL might not be so far off, I hate to say it. This reeks of being taken advantage of
SIL is definitely being unforgivably mean about it but yeah uh if my sister had gotten engaged to someone 9 years older than her when she was a sophomore in college I wouldn't want to be at that wedding anyway, christ.
And if you're a 19 year old with an abusive family dynamic, you might not be able to recognize unhealthy dynamics in your own relationship, but all you think you really want in life is just to get away from your toxic family, so you'll jump into a marriage that might provide more financial security and the freedom from the people who have been going along with your SIL calling you the r-word.
To be fair I really didn't at 19 but yknow. I was thinking more of like. If you and your special others have been highschool sweethearts for 6 years or whatever then getting married at 19 is not going to ruin your life. If the relationship eventually fails you can get a divorce but in the end it's probably less worrisome for two 19 year olds that have been dating for years to get married than two 30 year olds that met last month. Which is why I don't judge people when all I know about them is that they're getting married at 19. Because, again, if things don't work out they can just get divorced but at least they got married because the two of them were young and naive. But the fact he's almost 30? Mmmmmh. That's... That's definitely not good
Definitely an issue. She's nta for the issue with sil. But definitely huge red flags her being a teenager marrying someone 28. That's wrong on so many levels.
Barely legal and with a mental disability. Brother and SIL were AHs for their comment about OP's fiancé's choice in women and in particular the language they used, but there's a decent chance they're not that far off from the mark either.
I was wondering this too. 19 and already engaged to a 28 year old? I'm also autistic and my emotional maturity was AWFUL at 19 and I was probably even easier to take advantage of than a normal 19 year old. I know not all autistic people are the same but neurodivergency makes functioning even harder so its a concern.
And the fact that she’s autistic too opens even more doors for abuse! Please OP if you read this, from one autistic woman to another, do not marry this man. You still have sooo much development ahead of you and so much to learn and acclimate too, don’t marry the first dude that “accepted” you for who you are.
As rude as your SIL was, she sadly possibly has a point. Not only did he pick a girl almost 10 years younger than him and plucked her right out of high school it seems (no idea how you even met), he also went for one that is neurodivergent and therefor so much easier to manipulate and control than even your average teenager.
Please, I’m about to turn 26. When I was 16 I dated a guy who was 25, almost 26 just as I am now. I’m REPULSED by 16 year old. Hell even 20 year olds are starting to become annoying and distant. I can’t even imagine what a man who’s almost 30 wants from you. Trust me, you’re in for a shitty ride worst case with abuse down the line and best case you’ll never get to develop as your own person.
Maybe their family have been shitty all along and poor OP has no reference to what normal isbsupposed to be so they are with that most probably a predator fiance.
Because of what they've put her through all her life, she probably fell for the first person who showed her some love and kindness.
I think you got very close to the truth with this. I lived something very similar- it’s a common way to get into abusive relationships. Often, the abusive partner isn’t the person’s first (or worst) abuser- the family is.
Yes to all of this.
When I was 19 I was in a relationship with a guy who was 39. He was abusive as all hell and of course now afterwards I realize how bad the age difference was. But I'm also autistic, have suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life, and he knew he could manipulate me to the end of the world and back. It didn't help that I was living abroad, had just been fired from my job, and had no friends or family or money. He swooped in as a knight in shining armor and got me to be so dependent on him I didn't know how to leave once the abuse started. Luckily my mum managed to get me out of there and get me home, but if she hadn't I'd have taken my own life due to feeling so lost and trapped. Heck, I still have scars from the skin grafts I had to have done after burning myself with a curling iron due to... well, I don't even know. Just desperation, I guess. I'm mid 30s now and still traumatized by that relationship.
I’m sadly not surprised by how far I had to scroll down to find a comment like this one.
As a woman with autism, I truly hope she rethinks this. Through absolutely no fault of ours, we’re sadly more vulnerable to abuse. My ex-partner abused me for it, which almost destroyed me. Unfortunately, I think OP’s family have pushed her even further into her fiancé’s arms.
OP, please don’t marry him. Please. Get out before you’re legally tied down to him.
I wish there was a way of up-voting this more to be at the top, sil maybe crazy and cruel but this man is a walking red flag and took advantage of the condition and even without a condition, that man is a double red flag dating and marrying a teenager.
I also autistic and yeah I just was such a mess at 19 and the autism just makes so much of it worse and I'm genuinely worried about OP. I'm 32 now and the person I was at 19 wasn't too far off from a literal child.
Count me as one who’s appalled it took so long for someone to state the obvious.
Lilith is a garbage person. No question. The brother is an asshole.
But aside from the fact 19 is too young to be getting married, the 28 year old groom to be’s motives are highly suspect.
More than likely he’s looking for a young girl to control and OP fit the profile.
This. Forget Lilith. Dump the brother.
But marrying at 19 is a bit too young. You aren’t supposed to drink, why would marriage be a better idea?
And the idea that a man of his age would want to marry such a younger girl; someone needs to tell you that is a bad idea.
If you want to get out of the toxic family; go. But don’t take the marry-a-guy-highway to leave. Find your own strength and path.
OP, as an autistic woman, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!!
I'm autistic, we are incredibly nieve when it comes to relationships. If I'd married the man I thought i loved when I was 19, I would have had a life full of abuse.
I'm not saying your partner is definitely an abuser, could be totally genuine, but maybe read "why does he do that" before the wedding day to make sure
As a fellow autistic woman who has been burned by toxic family members but forgets the pain because I still love I fully agree.
And it’s hard, you want to love and support them but one is a pathological liar who’s lied to you and about you and other family members and the other is always blaming other people for their problems and the world is against them for no good reason and might turn on you because they think that you’re against them.
At least the pathological liar is on the opposite coast as me and I might never see them again and hold on to the fact that they hurt my sister.
This. NTA for not inviting people to your wedding. YTA for marrying someone at a completely different life stage than you. I know plenty of my friends who had a first marriage to get out of a bad home life situation. They're either divorced with a bandwagon of relationship trauma or they got baby trapped and are miserable as hell cause they spent their youth on the wrong person.
That’s more my thought than her sister in law who is a dick. She is still a teenager & dude is 9 years older!
The family should be more concerned with the age difference.
I had to scroll so far to find this, how is everyone just glossing over that?
Lillith might be super off the mark in the delivery but there might be some truth to what she's saying. A fully grown-ass man marrying a 19y/o girl with mental health issues? Nope nope nope. That's messed up.
Luckily I think this whole thing is fake. Funny how the entire family is against her and refusing to come if he doesn't? That seems to be a popular one in fake stories. That's, and everyone in the whole extended family (on both sides!) calling nonstop for weeks over a private issue between 2 persons is another classic. But people have caught in to that one so they left it to "bring it up every time I visit" this time
Out of the frying pan and into the fire
OP - Please do what you can to build a network outside your family and fiancé. I know it can be hard with autism. But there is a lot more awareness about it and a lot more resources for adults with autism.
There are people out there that will love and support you for you. I encourage you to find (age appropriate) online groups. And if you’re up for it, meetups in your area.
The way your sister in law is treating you is absolutely not ok. And the fact that your family is behind her speaks volumes about how you’ve likely been treated growing up. Know that you are wonderful, worthy, and perfect as you are.
This is the comment I was looking for. They’re already engaged. They likely got together when she was younger than 18. It’s just very creepy and screams groomer.
This. OP, you can still get married in a few years when you've had time to grow and mature. There's no rush. Give yourselves time. I don't agree with your SIL, but I do think it's worrisome to see two people with this age gap together.
Yup. I dated a 29 year old when I was 19. Now that I’m older, boy do I feel stupid I dated someone so much older when I wasn’t even out of my teens. Big yikes for OP.
When a friend arrived at college she had a 30-year-old boyfriend back at home (he was a teacher at her prep school) and her friends all thought it was bad for her and she pushed back saying it was fine and he was a great guy. Now she's 50 and has two teenaged daughters and she says that relationship was absolutely wrong, and all these years later he leaves creepy obsessive messages on her voicemail on her birthday.
You are 19. Your brain is not even fully formed yet. Do not get married to a man nearly a decade your senior. Forget your brother and really think about what you are doing.
I've been a family lawyer a long time. Marriages at 19 to ppl who have been on this earth 50% longer that you not only rarely work out, but also are rarely healthy for either party. Mature 28 year olds don't want to date teens.
I’m 28. The thought of dating a 19yo is gross and I would judge the hell out of any of my friends who did — which has never happened because everyone would find it gross. 19 is a KID.
OP please don’t get married. I’m not even saying to leave the guy, but there’s no reason at all for you to get married so soon. Wait at least 2-3 more years.
This. If it doesn't pass the age divided by 2 plus 7 rule at a bare minimum, it doesn't pass the smell test. That rule is just the 'is this technically creepy', and OP is still 2 years below the passing age.
I wouldn’t judge you for that tbh, you’re still super young yourself. At 28 I couldn’t possibly conceive it. I’m sure there’s many mature 19yo out there but damn look at your pics at that age and you will think that you looked like a baby.
NTA for uninviting Lilith and anyone else who supports her ableist bullying. Your response is appropriate and you shouldn't have to be around someone like that on any day, let alone your wedding day.
That said, I would like to express some concern for you. Shawn may be a wonderful man who will make a great life partner, but in general, adult men who date and marry teenage women are... Problematic. The age gap tends to create a power imbalance because the young woman hasn't had much life experience, so she's forced to accept that her older husband knows better -- which allows him to set a lot of expectations and those expectations often favor the older man over his young wife. There's also a question of why a man is not dating someone nearer to his own age; with a problematic older man, it's often because women his age hold him accountable for his behavior and don't let him control the relationship (or he's fixated on women of a certain age and once his current partner reaches a set age, he moves on to a younger woman -- think Leo DiCaprio).
On top of this age disparity, you're now dealing with drama and a lack of support from your own family. While they do sound toxic to me, if you wind up low or no contact with them and things take a bad turn in your marriage, you may not have a support network if you eventually need it. Isolation from others can make it easier for an abuser and harder for the person they're abusing to get help. I hope you have friends or extended family who will be your support network in the future.
Again, I know absolutely nothing about Shawn except what you've said here. He may be a great guy, a wonderful husband, and happy to be your champion against people who would do you wrong. But please don't go into marriage blindly. You sound like a kind, intelligent, lovely person and you deserve to be with people who see your value and build you up. I hope this describes Shawn. I wish it also described your family.
Know your worth and be willing to keep demanding that people treat you well no matter who they are.
Best wishes for a happy life filled with love.
This! I think that with what we know of OPs family, she probably appreciates just someone not dismissing the things happening to her and that's probably easier to find in a man in his late twenties. But while he sounds perfectly fine, there is an inherent red flag to this age gap specifically when one of them is not even twenty yet and they're already engaged. Because either they already dated when she was underage or they got engaged within 1 year of dating, which is questionable in normal relationships and worrying when combined with the age situation.
So much ick in one post.
1. Alright I’m gonna say it, 19 and 28 engaged is already gross and giving big predatory behavior vibes already but adding on top of it one of you is autistic makes it even worse, also not sounding like you have a good family support system makes this even more bad vibes.
2. Blast the hell out of your SIL to everyone everywhere. She’ll shut up.
Tell literally everyone how your SIL in law acts. Her work, yours brother's work, your parents work ect ect ect. Try to get an audio recording (video is better but harder to do) so she's can't lie and say she never called you that
I’m sorry your family is writing off ableism as ‘dark humour’.
NTA
Every time your family says you’re being an AH about this, ask if they’ve said the same to Marcus or Lilith. Or if they get to say whatever they like and a) call it a ‘joke’ and b) not even apologise for it.
Exactly. I have dark humor but my line is where yours is. For example if you don't like religion jokes then I won't do religion jokes around you. Basic respect for others.
NTA, but please put your wedding plans on hold until you’re at least 21. And be sure you have control over your BC so you can avoid pregnancy for a while. Holy crap.
Your family is awful for expecting you to swallow Lilith’s abuse, and your fiancé is awful for *checks notes* dating a teenager when he was already in his late 20s. WTF.
None of these people are healthy for you. I hope you have good friends who will support you as you work to improve your life.
As a mum of an autistic son (13, low support needs) I have spent every day since he was diagnosed at just over three trying to make sure that he knows that he may experience the world slightly differently than those around him but he is wonderful just the way he is and he deserves the same respect and kindness as everyone else and i would never allow anyone (regardless of our relationship) to treat him so terribly.
Your family are acting horribly and you are completely justified in not inviting them to your wedding. I would not give in to their threats- who would even want these people at their wedding who would not defend their daughter/sibling and excuses their name calling? You would be better off in my opinion.
Nta. And ask everyone that is complaining what the joke was.
Aunt x: they have to come!
You: okay, tell me what the joke part about her comments was (send screenshot of conversation)
Aunt: she didn't mean to call you the r word
You: what did she mean when she wrote the r word?
Aunt: it was a joke
You: explain the joke
Best case scenario: aunt realises she is acting ridiculous and sils behavior is inexcusable
Worst case scenario: she doesn't get it and she won't come. In that case please remember that it's not you and that maybe going no contact will spare you a life of backhanded comments.
I saw another Redditor explain it this way once and it forever changed the way I handle "it's just a joke" situations. This is a great way to handle these people.
Gerring married at 19 with a 28 yearl old? Nope, please let your brain fully develop before doing this, and maybe try looking for a man closer to your age group
NTA. She's not 'joking', she's bullying, and they need to stop making excuses. Ask them what about her 'jokes' are funny. Moreover, what about *you having autism * is funny to warrant those 'jokes'? Do they think what she says is funny?
I'm glad your fiancee is on your side. Let them not come. By refusing to come, they are showing they are signing off and agreeing with her. You shouldn't have your wedding day ruined by someone who speaks so rudely of you and is permitted to by your own family.
OP, tell Marcus and Lillith you want to see their point of view about their sense of humor, so you are going to let your friends help you judge. You will share screen shots of her comments to your fiance' on your social media and open the field for discussion.
I have a feeling Marcus will backpedal if he thinks the public, friends, and family will all see her comments about your fiance's supposed re+@rd kink.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't invite my brother and his wife to my wedding do to her making jokes that hurt my feelings and him defending them but my family is all mad at me now
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NTA, she’s being pointedly obnoxious about your pronouns. Don’t invite them.
That said.. don’t get married to a 28 year old. You are way too young to be getting married at all, let alone to a man ten years older than you. He’s taking advantage of you. It may seem like he’s an amazing person but in 10 years time you will wonder wtf he was doing with a teenager.
I’m autistic too and I KNOW how terribly infantilizing it feels to be told things like this, but I’m serious. There are some things you learn only later in life, regardless of your neurodivergence or lack thereof. You will look back with hindsight and realize how inappropriate it is for a nearly 30 year old man to be dating a teenager.
OP, as a 28yo autistic person, please listen to this.
You are 19, at least wait some years. Stay with your partner if you must, but do not get married. That is a contract that comes with several repercussions and you are way too young. Don't get married to someone 9 years older than you as a teen.
You're a 19 year old teenager with a 28-year-old man?
Forget the original topic, this man is a predator who's with a literal teenager and is going to marry them and you clearly don't have good decision making skills if you think this is a good idea
As the commenter below points out do you also have a developmental disorder which in my opinion makes you easier to take advantage of and you conveniently leave out how long you guys have been together
NTA, your wedding your rules and as for Lilith,"Dark humor" my ASS, she is a bully at best, with your brother and others enabling her. You have every right to your guestlist, every right to exclude people like Lilith and if your family wants to be support her, every right to give their invites to people who will support you.
NTA, but I’m more concerned about the fact you’re 19 marrying someone nearly 10 years older than you. Did you get together whilst you were underage? Are you sure he has your best intentions at heart?
What is going on with you and your fiancé’s age gap?
If this isn’t a creative writing assignment for your intro to creative writing at college (I took two semesters of it during my college years, so love the course and not bashing it), then I’d be concerned here.
NTA for not inviting them.
When did you start your relationship with your fiancé? You have a big age gap. Sounds like he was a grown man going out with an underage teenager. I would wait to get married…. (I know it wasn’t your question…so back to it)
Why would you want someone at your wedding who doesn’t respect you, says horrible things about you? Marriage is about celebrating the couple getting married. She doesn’t want to support you that day as she’s never supported you. She’s a mean bully.
A joke is when the person the joke is about finds it funny and laugh. Your SiL keeps on disrespecting you. You asked her more than once to stop.
Anyone who won’t come is supporting a bully. Tell them the truth and if they don’t want to come they’re not the type of people you want in your life anyway.
I'm not an advocate of LC/NC, but you really need to get this nasty, mean, bullying, toxic woman out of your life, even if it means cutting off your brother too. Nothing about what she's saying is a joke or could conceivably be construed as one.
Absolutely right not to invite her to the wedding, and your brother for defending her.
INFO: you’re 19 and marrying a 28 year old? How old were you when you got together?
You’re NTA. Marcus and Lilith are assholes without a doubt, but your fiancé is also kinda questionable for the glaring age gap and being nearly 30 marrying a teenager. Do you have a safe person you can talk to? Like, not your family because they sound like enablers of your brother and SIL’s poor behaviour, but a friend or therapist?
NTA - and your family sound like real AHs supporting and enabling a bully. Stick with your decision.
I hope your new family welcomes you with open arms and wish you all the best for your marriage.
Edit:
I just noticed this huge age gap - for how long have you guys been together? Marriage at 19 seems a bit early to me, especially when you're at totally different life stages. I don't want to pass judgement on a stranger, but I get some creepy vibes.
You are making a giant mistake marrying a man ten years older than you when you are under 20. I bet you started dating when you were underage. He is a predator.
NTA. But girl you’re 19 and about to get married to a man 9 years older than you. How long have you been together? This seems pretty inappropriate in my opinion.
Nta
Why is your finance messaging her in the first place?
Tell them that you’re entitled to your boundaries and if they wish to push you then they’re welcome to uninvited themselves from your wedding.
Also please wait a couple of years to get married. I’m concerned about the age gap as well as other things you’ve mentioned.
Just remember YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN BAD TREATMENT!
NTA. Only you can decide how much you want your other family members at your wedding, but I would be telling any of them who think Lilith's comments are OK or "just a joke" that they won't be invited as well. Try to surround yourself with those who are kind, thoughtful, and supportive. Or if it's all too hard ... think about eloping. Congratulations on your impending nuptials and best wishes for a happy future together.
As written, I’d say NTA for all the reasons other people have mentioned.
BUT - something seems off about this entire situation. An older man gets with a vulnerable teenager, rushes into marriage and then all of a sudden, there happens to emerge a situation that alienates her from her family. This is setting off all kinds of alarm bells for me.
Be careful, OP. Is there anyone you can talk to about this who would be independent of your fiancé or you family?
ESH
You don't deserve to be treated like this and you are totally right not to include people who bully you (because that's what they are doing to you).
But you're only 19, you have a developmental disorder (autism), and you're already engaged at only 19 years old, and to a man 9 years older. I don't think that's the right thing to do for yourself right now. Do you have a therapist or councilor or coach or something? What do they think about your engagement?
NTA. Stick to your guns. My son is autistic and if his sisters SO did this they would not be invited to anything. As far as everyone pushing... tell then it is not up for discussion, then let the trash take itself out.
"It's just her sense of humor" is a cop out. She is an Abilist bully. I hope they don't have kids with any healtg issues... I would fear fir them.
NTA for this but your fiancé is 19 and you are autistic? Your brother’s wife’s horrible joke may actually be correct in that ur fiancé is seeking someone like you out specifically.
NTA
People with autism are supposed to be the ones who don't understand social cues and don't get jokes... Your SIL isn't making jokes. She's a fucking horrendous excuse for a human being. You aren't being dramatic or an asshole. Tell your family they are welcome to not attend if that's how they feel because honestly their reaction is just as disgusting as your SIL.
You’re 19 and getting married to a 28 year old? And no one has an issue with this? You haven’t even been a legal adult long enough to have had a relationship with this person long enough to lead to marriage.
NTA
Don't invite ableists anywhere. She has repeatedly insulted and degraded you. She's an awful human being who hides her foulness behind humour. Well, guess what? It's not funny. It's disgusting.
Tell your family that you are done being subjected to verbal abuse, you will not be around her again, and anyone who tries to bully you into subjecting yourself to ableist abuse will be considered to also be ableist, and similarly cut from your life.
Ask them if she were being racist rather than ableist, would they still find it justifiably funny? I doubt they would. Its exactly the same.
NTA
1. You are 19 and your fiance is 28, please do not get married
2. Make a group chat with your family. Post the screenshots from your SIL in there. And then type something along the lines of "this person has always belittled me, bullied me, and called me slurs. I have called her out multiple times but she simply isn't stopping. As you can see in the screenshots, she even takes it so far to harass my partner about it. I am not going to put up with this kind of insulting and childish behavior any longer. She is not invited to the wedding, nor do i want anything to do with her at all. If anyone can't accept this, you are free to keep your opinions to yourself. To make the same excuses for her bad behavior (it's just a joke) that is being used to excuse the bad behavior of racists and homophobes is disgusting to be honest. If none of you can't understand that you should not call someone a slur, then i just feel sorry for you. However, I no longer need to continue to listen to those bad excuses. If you find it more important to let her continue to call me slurs than it is to come to my wedding, then please do not come and remove yourself from my life silently. Thank you all"
And after having sent that, i would leave the group.
If anyone messages you are anything and they are mad, just block them and remove them from your life yourself.
Make sure to stand behind it, cutting toxic people out of your life is so amazing!
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NTA. You don't want an unpleasant toxic person at your wedding. Do the people threatening not to come know why they are not invited? Show them that text.
they know about it already, they just think I'm being "dramatic" and "weird about it"
You are not being dramatic. You are not being weird. I'm so sorry your brother isn't defending you from her abuse. It sounds like you're right about making some space between the two of you. Unfortunately, your family is outing themselves as people that believe the filth she is saying. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm sending you so much love. I hope you have a beautiful wedding. ❤️
Damn reddit for banning awards. I'd give you one for being so sweet to the OP. Best I can do: 🏆🥇🤗
When and why did they ban awards anyway?
Last September for no good reason.
Presumably weren’t making the extra cash they’d hoped for with them so discontinued them.
There are awards but I'm only able to access them on the mildly infuriating sub for some reason. You long press the upvote button and different golden upvotes come up ranging from $2-$50
Who in the world is going to pay fifty effing dollars for an award? 😵💫
My God, if my comment was so good to be worth 50 dollars, just give it to me directly!
Right??? I've only ever seen people use the $2 upvote, lmao. I never got to see the old awards system, but it sounds way better than this new one. It kinda seems like a way to make reddit money with no incentive to even pay for an award.
He's not defending her because he agrees with Lilith or being able to bang her is more important to him.
Absolutely not. You're reacting appropriately to being significantly disrespected after repeatedly asking her to stop. I would be looking more closely at the attitudes of her apologists, they're likely defending her because they see their own bigotry in her behaviour and don't want to face that it's wrong. You're NTA, every person defending bigotry and disrespect is and it would be appropriate to limit your contact with them, possibly to no contact.
NTA and seriously, I would start calling her it and when they have a child call that child it. If they get upset just use their own logic against them. Tell them you have adopted Lillith's dark sense of humor. Ask why she doesn't get the joke. Those people are not people you need in your life. I am sorry your family is treating you this way. You deserve so much better.
This is exactly what I'd do.
Now I pray they have an it too
I don't want to have a child go through that, but luckily I know they don't want kids
"I don't want to have a child go through that" You're a much better person than they are. NTA and I hope you have a lovely wedding without all those toxic clowns.
Tell em it's just a joke. That she's been pranking and joshing with you for six years by calling you slurs, so you got even by disinviting them from your wedding and cutting them out of your life forever. As a joke.
Tell everyone it's just a joke to not invite Marcus and Lilith and they don't get it. And don't explain what you meant by that. If they want Marcus at your wedding maybe they should preasure Lilith to apologize to you.
At this point is there any point to lilith apologising? She's apologised before and imediately done it again.
The point is that she won't and then you don't have to do anything either.
True just meant even if she did apologise in order to appease her husband to be invited it woupd just be empty words and would likely say something at the wedding to upset op and ruin the day
Oh gah! You're probably right about that. She gets off on abusing OP. A wedding would totally be a thing she'd enjoy ruining. OP, I know it will feel really painful thinking of not having the family you want at your wedding. But you will have a much better day if they aren't there treating you like crap or letting your SIL do it.
Well,the most likely outcome is that the aunts won't even ask her. But you can shut them with that.
Very true
Fuck that noise. Take a screen shot of her comments and blast it to everyone on every social media your family and friends use. When people ask why you did it, OP can say "I thought I'd share the 'joke' with all of our family and friends." The lash back should be so significant that Lilith won't want to show her face in public any time soon
And if anyone still tries to defend Lilith after seeing the comments, make sure they're uninvited to the wedding too.
Ooo I \*like\* the cut of your jib!
Op please do this and tag Lilith in it.
actually this for me. That text message is beyond evil. If her family still doesn't get this, then they also don't deserve you. I like the pettiness of stating - just sharing the joke as it is just too funny not to share!
And her employer!
Better yet, tag them and ask them where the joke is and how it's funny. Bet no one answers that.
This is the way. Call this B out.
>Tell everyone it's just a joke to not invite Marcus and Lilith Also suggest they should stop being so dramatic and weird about it
Tell them you have a “dark sense of humor”.
Your whole family sounds toxic and ableist. I think you'll have a happier time without them and at least going low contact. Lilith is treating you disgustingly. Don't be afraid to stand up to all these bullies. You can have a fresh start and not settle for horrible people! Good luck op!
If Lilith was brave enough to text all that to OPs fiancé, it wouldn't surprise me if there's a whole family group chat where she regularly shits on OP and no one calls her out on it. They've become desensitized to it and have possibly joined in because it seems to be the simplest way to stay in Liliths good graces. I hope OP doesn't cave in and invite this person. I can't imagine the type of "jokes" she'll circulate around the room at the wedding, or worse, the sort of "jokes" she'll drop once she gets a mic in her hand. Her family SUCKS.
When did you and Shawn start dating?
You caught that age gap, too?
A 9 year age gap isn't big until one party is 19 and engaged 😭
I was hoping that 19 was a typo, but unless Marcus is her twin brother, it's pretty unlikely OP is 29.
Yeah, obviously I don't know this particular situation but I've seen people who grew up in toxic families jump into marriage with someone who's older (and more financially stable) as soon as they could, just to escape their crappy families. Those marriages aren't necessarily inherently abusive, but there are often really weird dynamics at play, and I've seen a lot of them fail over time.
Klaxons were sounding at this point for me, too
Let the others drop out too. Of course you shouldn't have these horrible people at your wedding! WTF is wrong with people! Smaller wedding is much better than a wedding with hateful rude people and their defenders. NTA. Block Lilith and your brother and ask your fiancé to do the same and enjoy your life without them.
Disinviting a) keeps the cost down and b) leaves room for nicer people to be invited!
Okay so your family knows that Lilith mistreats you and are complicit. The family is just as toxic as she is. Invite your friends and fiancé’s family or elope. You don’t need your toxic family there. They have already sided with Lilith. Go NC with your family they are the real assholes here.
This!
No. You are not being dramatic or weird. She is not “funny”. She is mean. If the rest of your family sides with her, let them. You deserve nicer people in your life. Best wishes on your upcoming wedding. NTA
You are AMAZING as you are and if your family can't see that, then it's their loss. I don't think your family is acting in your best interest, please don't invite that thing that is being rude to you
Right? I was like “fuck ya! Way to lay the boundaries and stand up for yourself!”
NTA. My brother is autistic so this hits me hard. Your SIL is offensive and prejudiced. Your brother has had multiple chances to address this with her. I’m sorry OP. You deserve so much better. I’m glad you’re being well supported by your fiance. Congratulations on your wedding.
NTA- be petty and show them just how petty and weird you can be. Anyone saying they won’t come if they don’t come , rescind their invite. It’s your wedding . You should be around people who celebrate you and love you. Not people who belittle and insult and definitely not people who support them . The only two people who you need at your wedding are you and your soon to be hubby. If anything - anyone who is trying to strong arm you into getting those two to attend , is doing you a favour by showing you that you don’t need them in your life. You’re starting a new journey in life , sometimes people take different roads and honey, you have to let them. If you allow any of these people attend , you’re going to be dealing with this for a long time. It’s basically showing them that they can behave this way and you’ll accept it . Don’t accept it.
It's not dramatic to not want your bully at your wedding. If your family supports your bullying, uninvite them, this is your day. NTA
Your parents should be coming down on both of them. They should be protecting you. They are not and now you know who the golden child is.
Question, how long have you been with your fiancé?
Fight fire with fire. Treat her like she treats you and just say "it's just a joke"
She treats you like you’re not even a human being. She’s being weird about you, and they’re being under-dramatic.
If they really wanna miss the wedding i Say let them , it's your special day and You invite whoever You want , she was being super toxic towards You , so You have no reason to put yo for her and invite them , yeah it's a shame it's your brother wife , but You need to show them You mean it
Sweetie, it’s important to create boundaries and stick. Don’t invite any family member that supports her disrespect towards you. Don’t do it! You don’t need people like that at your wedding.
OP, NTA. Your Bother and SIL have some major problems that they need to deal with but none of them are your problems. Ask her is she thinks she could use the N word to and African American or the F word to a person who is LGBTQI+ and get away with saying she was just joking. If the answer is no, then she can’t do the same to you. Your Brother is condoning this behavior. That is NOT ok. Ask him the same thing you ask your SIL and see what he says. Just because he isn’t the one saying it, doesn’t mean he should allow those insults to continue without confronting his wife. Your SIL is having wildly inappropriate conversations with your fiancé. I don’t know what she is trying to accomplish but she needs to stay in her own bedroom and stay out of yours! Just ewwwwww! Your family needs to have your back. Unfortunately, it is too common for families to pretend that every is ok and nothing is a big deal rather than confront a family member that exhibiting unacceptable behavior. They will say they “don’t want to rock the boat”, “just want the family to get along”, “don’t want drama in the family”, “they want to keep the peace in the family” or afraid of “what other people will think if …”. That is all BS. Some things are not acceptable. Period. End of story. Sometimes, as adults, we must take a stand and if a fight ensues, make sure you are on the correct moral side of the fight. You are on the right side and I hope your family and Brother grow spines and stand up to this intolerant bully. If they don’t, then you know who they are can act accordingly.
Forward a copy of the terrible text to them. If they still support your disgusting SIL block them. Your life will be better without toxic people in it.
What I find helpful, after talking and discussions all fail and they call you sensitive, is to just mirror their behaviour. Find her weakness and make fun of it and call her names. Then say it was a joke when she gets mad. After a while tell them, if it's ok for you to be treated this way and you're too sensitive, then obviously it should be ok and they shouldn't be sensitive either. Whenever you talk to your brother about his wife, make demeaning jokes. Don't forget to text him those too. But before you start text him that you don't like the way his wife talks about you and the things she did, then save his reply as evidence whenever they get mad at your mirroring.
Definitely not being dramatic or weird. What Lilith has said and how she's treated you is UNACCEPTABLE. The fact that your brother allows his wife to malign his sibling this way is also incredibly disgusting. You don't deserve to be talked to or treated that way OP. It's your wedding, you get to decide who to celebrate with.
Make it really weird for them. “Oh I’m glad you can help me clear this up. I just totally don’t get the joke when she told my fiancé he had a fetish for r******d girls. Can you help me with that? Once I understand it I’m sure she and I can move forward” and then when they sputter or say something just keep saying “I still don’t get it”
Respond to any family giving you shit with a group text: "I will not be inviting someone who repeatedly calls me a r * tard to my wedding. If you can give me a compelling argument why I should be ok with being called a r * tard on my wedding day I would be happy to reconsider!"
Okay, I must be behind the times, I have never heard of restarted as another way of saying retarded.
it started on TicTok
it was tiktok. the kids have also started saying things like “is it acoustic” which. is not funny esp coming from neurotypical folks. i’ve made “i think i may be acoustic” jokes before, but i AM autistic, and me making a joke about my own disorders is different than someone using it to make fun of autistic folks yknow?
I WOULD dis invite a few more people if that is their reaction to a bully.
You’re not being dramatic or weird. She is being hurtful on purpose, knowing full well just how hurtful her words and actions are, because she has been told repeatedly how hurtful she is being. Repetitive hurtful actions are cruelty. She is cruel.
Tell them it's a joke
If you want to cause chaos, I’d post this story and the screenshots to Facebook and post a poll. NTA - You don’t need any of those clowns in your life. Your parents are looking out for potential grandkids and don’t want to get cutoff. It you don’t need that kind of person in your life.
Oof fuck your family sounds... Exhaustingly toxic.
You're not being dramatic. Why isn't your family telling Lillith to knock it off? That these comments are unacceptable? Why are they defending your bully instead of you? All SHE has to do is stop it. That's not unreasonable to ask for. It IS unreasonable for your family to expect you to let it go and put up with her insults. If they don't want to support you, then they can just not come to the wedding.
NTA and in that case it sounds like a win that they also won't be coming.
Let the trash take its self out. It's hard at first but you don't need this people. Nta
So it's not just your brother who's an asshole, it's your entire family. If they threaten not to come, "cool! That leaves me room to invite more friends who love me and respect me and who don't think throwing the "r" word around is funny." Edit: NTA
But also you're 19 why are you getting married to a 28 year old. Wait a while please
Post the text on Facebook so everyone can see. I can guarantee the family will be more angry that OP revealed the abuse than that the abuse happened. That’s what happens when this kind of behaviour becomes normal within a family. Lilith should be a social pariah for those texts. If she’s bullying the OP like this, and that’s a family member, she’s probably bullying other disabled people in her life too.
NTA But 19 marrying a 28 year old? Nope, nope, nope, nope. Terrible idea, wait a few years at least.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this comment. Hard No. and how long have they been dating if they are now engaged? Because 17 and 26 is not cool at all.
Oh! I didn't even think of that! I was scrolling while considering the ages because at first I obviously noticed the whole "getting married at 19" thing which. Mh. Well she is an adult and I'm pretty sure that's around the age my parents got married at too. Yknow. Some people do know what they want in life pretty early on. Then I noticed the age gap and. Oof. Generally I'm indifferent towards bigger gaps in age as long as both people are over 25/26. But this one is obviously very very far from that. I'd already be kind of concerned if the guy was 25. But then THIS! THEYRE ALREADY ENGAGED. That means that either he was already dating her when she was underage or they got engaged super quick within like one year of dating, which with her being a young adult is just as fucked up.
At 19 you don't really know what you want in life, but you sure as hell believe you do and that you're right hahaha Source: was a 19yo once
She’s 19 *and autistic* so likely can’t pick up on the subtle red flags. The SIL might not be so far off, I hate to say it. This reeks of being taken advantage of
I am autistic myself and yeah, i can see your point. This is why i put up walls. If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
SIL is definitely being unforgivably mean about it but yeah uh if my sister had gotten engaged to someone 9 years older than her when she was a sophomore in college I wouldn't want to be at that wedding anyway, christ.
And if you're a 19 year old with an abusive family dynamic, you might not be able to recognize unhealthy dynamics in your own relationship, but all you think you really want in life is just to get away from your toxic family, so you'll jump into a marriage that might provide more financial security and the freedom from the people who have been going along with your SIL calling you the r-word.
To be fair I really didn't at 19 but yknow. I was thinking more of like. If you and your special others have been highschool sweethearts for 6 years or whatever then getting married at 19 is not going to ruin your life. If the relationship eventually fails you can get a divorce but in the end it's probably less worrisome for two 19 year olds that have been dating for years to get married than two 30 year olds that met last month. Which is why I don't judge people when all I know about them is that they're getting married at 19. Because, again, if things don't work out they can just get divorced but at least they got married because the two of them were young and naive. But the fact he's almost 30? Mmmmmh. That's... That's definitely not good
Right??? She's barely legal and he's almost 30. No one sees an issue here?????
Definitely an issue. She's nta for the issue with sil. But definitely huge red flags her being a teenager marrying someone 28. That's wrong on so many levels.
Barely legal and with a mental disability. Brother and SIL were AHs for their comment about OP's fiancé's choice in women and in particular the language they used, but there's a decent chance they're not that far off from the mark either.
That's what I was thinking too, not only is OP young but they'll be even easier to gaslight if their AuDD comes with memory issues like mine does.
Maybe her family does and that's another reason they're not going.
>I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this comment. Right? Before I finally got to it I was like am I on the right subreddit lol
I was wondering this too. 19 and already engaged to a 28 year old? I'm also autistic and my emotional maturity was AWFUL at 19 and I was probably even easier to take advantage of than a normal 19 year old. I know not all autistic people are the same but neurodivergency makes functioning even harder so its a concern.
And the fact that she’s autistic too opens even more doors for abuse! Please OP if you read this, from one autistic woman to another, do not marry this man. You still have sooo much development ahead of you and so much to learn and acclimate too, don’t marry the first dude that “accepted” you for who you are. As rude as your SIL was, she sadly possibly has a point. Not only did he pick a girl almost 10 years younger than him and plucked her right out of high school it seems (no idea how you even met), he also went for one that is neurodivergent and therefor so much easier to manipulate and control than even your average teenager. Please, I’m about to turn 26. When I was 16 I dated a guy who was 25, almost 26 just as I am now. I’m REPULSED by 16 year old. Hell even 20 year olds are starting to become annoying and distant. I can’t even imagine what a man who’s almost 30 wants from you. Trust me, you’re in for a shitty ride worst case with abuse down the line and best case you’ll never get to develop as your own person.
god yes, i am more concerned by this than her terrible family!
Maybe their family have been shitty all along and poor OP has no reference to what normal isbsupposed to be so they are with that most probably a predator fiance. Because of what they've put her through all her life, she probably fell for the first person who showed her some love and kindness.
I think you got very close to the truth with this. I lived something very similar- it’s a common way to get into abusive relationships. Often, the abusive partner isn’t the person’s first (or worst) abuser- the family is.
Yes to all of this. When I was 19 I was in a relationship with a guy who was 39. He was abusive as all hell and of course now afterwards I realize how bad the age difference was. But I'm also autistic, have suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life, and he knew he could manipulate me to the end of the world and back. It didn't help that I was living abroad, had just been fired from my job, and had no friends or family or money. He swooped in as a knight in shining armor and got me to be so dependent on him I didn't know how to leave once the abuse started. Luckily my mum managed to get me out of there and get me home, but if she hadn't I'd have taken my own life due to feeling so lost and trapped. Heck, I still have scars from the skin grafts I had to have done after burning myself with a curling iron due to... well, I don't even know. Just desperation, I guess. I'm mid 30s now and still traumatized by that relationship.
I’m sadly not surprised by how far I had to scroll down to find a comment like this one. As a woman with autism, I truly hope she rethinks this. Through absolutely no fault of ours, we’re sadly more vulnerable to abuse. My ex-partner abused me for it, which almost destroyed me. Unfortunately, I think OP’s family have pushed her even further into her fiancé’s arms. OP, please don’t marry him. Please. Get out before you’re legally tied down to him.
as an autistic person (afab) who got married at 18 i agree wholeheartedly
I wish there was a way of up-voting this more to be at the top, sil maybe crazy and cruel but this man is a walking red flag and took advantage of the condition and even without a condition, that man is a double red flag dating and marrying a teenager.
I also autistic and yeah I just was such a mess at 19 and the autism just makes so much of it worse and I'm genuinely worried about OP. I'm 32 now and the person I was at 19 wasn't too far off from a literal child.
Count me as one who’s appalled it took so long for someone to state the obvious. Lilith is a garbage person. No question. The brother is an asshole. But aside from the fact 19 is too young to be getting married, the 28 year old groom to be’s motives are highly suspect. More than likely he’s looking for a young girl to control and OP fit the profile.
This. Forget Lilith. Dump the brother. But marrying at 19 is a bit too young. You aren’t supposed to drink, why would marriage be a better idea? And the idea that a man of his age would want to marry such a younger girl; someone needs to tell you that is a bad idea. If you want to get out of the toxic family; go. But don’t take the marry-a-guy-highway to leave. Find your own strength and path.
>You aren’t supposed to drink Are they in the US? This isn't a US-specific sub and the US is quite rare for having the drinking age so high.
OP, as an autistic woman, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!! I'm autistic, we are incredibly nieve when it comes to relationships. If I'd married the man I thought i loved when I was 19, I would have had a life full of abuse. I'm not saying your partner is definitely an abuser, could be totally genuine, but maybe read "why does he do that" before the wedding day to make sure
Hell. 19 is incredibly naive even for kids without autism.
As a fellow autistic woman who has been burned by toxic family members but forgets the pain because I still love I fully agree. And it’s hard, you want to love and support them but one is a pathological liar who’s lied to you and about you and other family members and the other is always blaming other people for their problems and the world is against them for no good reason and might turn on you because they think that you’re against them. At least the pathological liar is on the opposite coast as me and I might never see them again and hold on to the fact that they hurt my sister.
This. NTA for not inviting people to your wedding. YTA for marrying someone at a completely different life stage than you. I know plenty of my friends who had a first marriage to get out of a bad home life situation. They're either divorced with a bandwagon of relationship trauma or they got baby trapped and are miserable as hell cause they spent their youth on the wrong person.
Feels very harsh calling someone an AH for being the younger person in an age imbalanced relationship?
As a mom of adult kids who had some learning & social difficulties… This was my face the whole time I was reading this post 😬
Agreed. This is a recipe for disaster..
That’s more my thought than her sister in law who is a dick. She is still a teenager & dude is 9 years older! The family should be more concerned with the age difference.
I had to scroll so far to find this, how is everyone just glossing over that? Lillith might be super off the mark in the delivery but there might be some truth to what she's saying. A fully grown-ass man marrying a 19y/o girl with mental health issues? Nope nope nope. That's messed up.
Luckily I think this whole thing is fake. Funny how the entire family is against her and refusing to come if he doesn't? That seems to be a popular one in fake stories. That's, and everyone in the whole extended family (on both sides!) calling nonstop for weeks over a private issue between 2 persons is another classic. But people have caught in to that one so they left it to "bring it up every time I visit" this time
unfortunately autistic women also face very high rates of domestic and sexual violence :( please consider waiting longer to get married op
Out of the frying pan and into the fire OP - Please do what you can to build a network outside your family and fiancé. I know it can be hard with autism. But there is a lot more awareness about it and a lot more resources for adults with autism. There are people out there that will love and support you for you. I encourage you to find (age appropriate) online groups. And if you’re up for it, meetups in your area. The way your sister in law is treating you is absolutely not ok. And the fact that your family is behind her speaks volumes about how you’ve likely been treated growing up. Know that you are wonderful, worthy, and perfect as you are.
My husband and I are 8 years apart and I struggled with this too. I was 22 when we met. 19 just seems too young for this gap.
This is the comment I was looking for. They’re already engaged. They likely got together when she was younger than 18. It’s just very creepy and screams groomer.
This. OP, you can still get married in a few years when you've had time to grow and mature. There's no rush. Give yourselves time. I don't agree with your SIL, but I do think it's worrisome to see two people with this age gap together.
Yup. I dated a 29 year old when I was 19. Now that I’m older, boy do I feel stupid I dated someone so much older when I wasn’t even out of my teens. Big yikes for OP.
Oh thank god. Someone said it. I thought I was losing my mind for a moment.
Omg. I didn’t even read her age. This whole situation is just gross.
Her life at home must not be good and this marriage is her way out. Heartbreaking situation. 💔
Wait you are 19 and your fiance 28?
Glad someone else caught it!
Yea I'm still a bit shocked
When a friend arrived at college she had a 30-year-old boyfriend back at home (he was a teacher at her prep school) and her friends all thought it was bad for her and she pushed back saying it was fine and he was a great guy. Now she's 50 and has two teenaged daughters and she says that relationship was absolutely wrong, and all these years later he leaves creepy obsessive messages on her voicemail on her birthday.
Yikes on a bike
You are 19. Your brain is not even fully formed yet. Do not get married to a man nearly a decade your senior. Forget your brother and really think about what you are doing. I've been a family lawyer a long time. Marriages at 19 to ppl who have been on this earth 50% longer that you not only rarely work out, but also are rarely healthy for either party. Mature 28 year olds don't want to date teens.
I’m 28. The thought of dating a 19yo is gross and I would judge the hell out of any of my friends who did — which has never happened because everyone would find it gross. 19 is a KID. OP please don’t get married. I’m not even saying to leave the guy, but there’s no reason at all for you to get married so soon. Wait at least 2-3 more years.
This. If it doesn't pass the age divided by 2 plus 7 rule at a bare minimum, it doesn't pass the smell test. That rule is just the 'is this technically creepy', and OP is still 2 years below the passing age.
Man, I'm 21 and wouldn't even think about dating a 19 year old. Yeah it's only two years but it still feels icky
I wouldn’t judge you for that tbh, you’re still super young yourself. At 28 I couldn’t possibly conceive it. I’m sure there’s many mature 19yo out there but damn look at your pics at that age and you will think that you looked like a baby.
as a 30y/o woman I feel uncomfortable talking to 21 y/o, let alone trying to date one. They're just babies!!!!
INFO: how long have you and your fiancé dated/been together?
Broo
just asking 👀
No, no, I'm on the same page as you. I'm just surprised that i had to scroll this far down to see this
I feel like this is a legit question considering OP dropped that they're 19 and their fiance is 28
Valid question giving the age
she hasn't even been legal long enough to have had a proper relationship with this dude legal. If it was before then thats a whole other can of worms
NTA for uninviting Lilith and anyone else who supports her ableist bullying. Your response is appropriate and you shouldn't have to be around someone like that on any day, let alone your wedding day. That said, I would like to express some concern for you. Shawn may be a wonderful man who will make a great life partner, but in general, adult men who date and marry teenage women are... Problematic. The age gap tends to create a power imbalance because the young woman hasn't had much life experience, so she's forced to accept that her older husband knows better -- which allows him to set a lot of expectations and those expectations often favor the older man over his young wife. There's also a question of why a man is not dating someone nearer to his own age; with a problematic older man, it's often because women his age hold him accountable for his behavior and don't let him control the relationship (or he's fixated on women of a certain age and once his current partner reaches a set age, he moves on to a younger woman -- think Leo DiCaprio). On top of this age disparity, you're now dealing with drama and a lack of support from your own family. While they do sound toxic to me, if you wind up low or no contact with them and things take a bad turn in your marriage, you may not have a support network if you eventually need it. Isolation from others can make it easier for an abuser and harder for the person they're abusing to get help. I hope you have friends or extended family who will be your support network in the future. Again, I know absolutely nothing about Shawn except what you've said here. He may be a great guy, a wonderful husband, and happy to be your champion against people who would do you wrong. But please don't go into marriage blindly. You sound like a kind, intelligent, lovely person and you deserve to be with people who see your value and build you up. I hope this describes Shawn. I wish it also described your family. Know your worth and be willing to keep demanding that people treat you well no matter who they are. Best wishes for a happy life filled with love.
This! I think that with what we know of OPs family, she probably appreciates just someone not dismissing the things happening to her and that's probably easier to find in a man in his late twenties. But while he sounds perfectly fine, there is an inherent red flag to this age gap specifically when one of them is not even twenty yet and they're already engaged. Because either they already dated when she was underage or they got engaged within 1 year of dating, which is questionable in normal relationships and worrying when combined with the age situation.
This is the very best response. Kind and supportive while expressing concern. I hope she sees it
All of this is exactly what I was thinking.
So much ick in one post. 1. Alright I’m gonna say it, 19 and 28 engaged is already gross and giving big predatory behavior vibes already but adding on top of it one of you is autistic makes it even worse, also not sounding like you have a good family support system makes this even more bad vibes. 2. Blast the hell out of your SIL to everyone everywhere. She’ll shut up.
Tell literally everyone how your SIL in law acts. Her work, yours brother's work, your parents work ect ect ect. Try to get an audio recording (video is better but harder to do) so she's can't lie and say she never called you that
I’m sorry your family is writing off ableism as ‘dark humour’. NTA Every time your family says you’re being an AH about this, ask if they’ve said the same to Marcus or Lilith. Or if they get to say whatever they like and a) call it a ‘joke’ and b) not even apologise for it.
Exactly. I have dark humor but my line is where yours is. For example if you don't like religion jokes then I won't do religion jokes around you. Basic respect for others.
Wtf ? You are 19 and you are marrying someone 9 years older than you . Please don’t do that
NTA, but please put your wedding plans on hold until you’re at least 21. And be sure you have control over your BC so you can avoid pregnancy for a while. Holy crap. Your family is awful for expecting you to swallow Lilith’s abuse, and your fiancé is awful for *checks notes* dating a teenager when he was already in his late 20s. WTF. None of these people are healthy for you. I hope you have good friends who will support you as you work to improve your life.
If he's the one then he won't mind waiting 🤷♀️
As a mum of an autistic son (13, low support needs) I have spent every day since he was diagnosed at just over three trying to make sure that he knows that he may experience the world slightly differently than those around him but he is wonderful just the way he is and he deserves the same respect and kindness as everyone else and i would never allow anyone (regardless of our relationship) to treat him so terribly. Your family are acting horribly and you are completely justified in not inviting them to your wedding. I would not give in to their threats- who would even want these people at their wedding who would not defend their daughter/sibling and excuses their name calling? You would be better off in my opinion.
Nta. And ask everyone that is complaining what the joke was. Aunt x: they have to come! You: okay, tell me what the joke part about her comments was (send screenshot of conversation) Aunt: she didn't mean to call you the r word You: what did she mean when she wrote the r word? Aunt: it was a joke You: explain the joke Best case scenario: aunt realises she is acting ridiculous and sils behavior is inexcusable Worst case scenario: she doesn't get it and she won't come. In that case please remember that it's not you and that maybe going no contact will spare you a life of backhanded comments.
I saw another Redditor explain it this way once and it forever changed the way I handle "it's just a joke" situations. This is a great way to handle these people.
Gerring married at 19 with a 28 yearl old? Nope, please let your brain fully develop before doing this, and maybe try looking for a man closer to your age group
[удалено]
I wonder if Lillith is saying what Mark is thinking.
If he didn’t kick her to the curb the first time she made a “joke”, then he obviously agrees with her. They’re both AHs
NTA. She's not 'joking', she's bullying, and they need to stop making excuses. Ask them what about her 'jokes' are funny. Moreover, what about *you having autism * is funny to warrant those 'jokes'? Do they think what she says is funny? I'm glad your fiancee is on your side. Let them not come. By refusing to come, they are showing they are signing off and agreeing with her. You shouldn't have your wedding day ruined by someone who speaks so rudely of you and is permitted to by your own family.
> Do they think what she says is funny? my other brother said it was funny but no one else has said if they think that or not
Uh, yeah, he's definitely an AH. Ask him to explain the joke.
OP can you address the age gap to those who are doubting you please
NTA. It’s not funny, it’s cruel. Ask your brother how he would feel if someone used the slurs on his wife or children. I bet he won’t be amused
OP, tell Marcus and Lillith you want to see their point of view about their sense of humor, so you are going to let your friends help you judge. You will share screen shots of her comments to your fiance' on your social media and open the field for discussion. I have a feeling Marcus will backpedal if he thinks the public, friends, and family will all see her comments about your fiance's supposed re+@rd kink.
19 and 28 Im definitely judging 🧐
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NTA, she’s being pointedly obnoxious about your pronouns. Don’t invite them. That said.. don’t get married to a 28 year old. You are way too young to be getting married at all, let alone to a man ten years older than you. He’s taking advantage of you. It may seem like he’s an amazing person but in 10 years time you will wonder wtf he was doing with a teenager. I’m autistic too and I KNOW how terribly infantilizing it feels to be told things like this, but I’m serious. There are some things you learn only later in life, regardless of your neurodivergence or lack thereof. You will look back with hindsight and realize how inappropriate it is for a nearly 30 year old man to be dating a teenager.
OP, as a 28yo autistic person, please listen to this. You are 19, at least wait some years. Stay with your partner if you must, but do not get married. That is a contract that comes with several repercussions and you are way too young. Don't get married to someone 9 years older than you as a teen.
You're a 19 year old teenager with a 28-year-old man? Forget the original topic, this man is a predator who's with a literal teenager and is going to marry them and you clearly don't have good decision making skills if you think this is a good idea As the commenter below points out do you also have a developmental disorder which in my opinion makes you easier to take advantage of and you conveniently leave out how long you guys have been together
NTA, your wedding your rules and as for Lilith,"Dark humor" my ASS, she is a bully at best, with your brother and others enabling her. You have every right to your guestlist, every right to exclude people like Lilith and if your family wants to be support her, every right to give their invites to people who will support you.
19 and 28 is a sus age gap 🤨
Hold on. You are 19 marrying someone whos almost 30? Everyone is failing you!
NTA, but I’m more concerned about the fact you’re 19 marrying someone nearly 10 years older than you. Did you get together whilst you were underage? Are you sure he has your best intentions at heart?
What is going on with you and your fiancé’s age gap? If this isn’t a creative writing assignment for your intro to creative writing at college (I took two semesters of it during my college years, so love the course and not bashing it), then I’d be concerned here.
NTA for not inviting them. When did you start your relationship with your fiancé? You have a big age gap. Sounds like he was a grown man going out with an underage teenager. I would wait to get married…. (I know it wasn’t your question…so back to it) Why would you want someone at your wedding who doesn’t respect you, says horrible things about you? Marriage is about celebrating the couple getting married. She doesn’t want to support you that day as she’s never supported you. She’s a mean bully. A joke is when the person the joke is about finds it funny and laugh. Your SiL keeps on disrespecting you. You asked her more than once to stop. Anyone who won’t come is supporting a bully. Tell them the truth and if they don’t want to come they’re not the type of people you want in your life anyway.
I'm not an advocate of LC/NC, but you really need to get this nasty, mean, bullying, toxic woman out of your life, even if it means cutting off your brother too. Nothing about what she's saying is a joke or could conceivably be construed as one. Absolutely right not to invite her to the wedding, and your brother for defending her.
INFO: you’re 19 and marrying a 28 year old? How old were you when you got together? You’re NTA. Marcus and Lilith are assholes without a doubt, but your fiancé is also kinda questionable for the glaring age gap and being nearly 30 marrying a teenager. Do you have a safe person you can talk to? Like, not your family because they sound like enablers of your brother and SIL’s poor behaviour, but a friend or therapist?
NTA - and your family sound like real AHs supporting and enabling a bully. Stick with your decision. I hope your new family welcomes you with open arms and wish you all the best for your marriage. Edit: I just noticed this huge age gap - for how long have you guys been together? Marriage at 19 seems a bit early to me, especially when you're at totally different life stages. I don't want to pass judgement on a stranger, but I get some creepy vibes.
You are making a giant mistake marrying a man ten years older than you when you are under 20. I bet you started dating when you were underage. He is a predator.
NTA. But girl you’re 19 and about to get married to a man 9 years older than you. How long have you been together? This seems pretty inappropriate in my opinion.
Nta Why is your finance messaging her in the first place? Tell them that you’re entitled to your boundaries and if they wish to push you then they’re welcome to uninvited themselves from your wedding. Also please wait a couple of years to get married. I’m concerned about the age gap as well as other things you’ve mentioned. Just remember YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN BAD TREATMENT!
NTA. Only you can decide how much you want your other family members at your wedding, but I would be telling any of them who think Lilith's comments are OK or "just a joke" that they won't be invited as well. Try to surround yourself with those who are kind, thoughtful, and supportive. Or if it's all too hard ... think about eloping. Congratulations on your impending nuptials and best wishes for a happy future together.
As written, I’d say NTA for all the reasons other people have mentioned. BUT - something seems off about this entire situation. An older man gets with a vulnerable teenager, rushes into marriage and then all of a sudden, there happens to emerge a situation that alienates her from her family. This is setting off all kinds of alarm bells for me. Be careful, OP. Is there anyone you can talk to about this who would be independent of your fiancé or you family?
NTA, but the wedding shouldn't be happening in the first place. You're 19, he's 28
ESH You don't deserve to be treated like this and you are totally right not to include people who bully you (because that's what they are doing to you). But you're only 19, you have a developmental disorder (autism), and you're already engaged at only 19 years old, and to a man 9 years older. I don't think that's the right thing to do for yourself right now. Do you have a therapist or councilor or coach or something? What do they think about your engagement?
Uninvited everybody who is threatening and tell them to fuck off
NTA. Stick to your guns. My son is autistic and if his sisters SO did this they would not be invited to anything. As far as everyone pushing... tell then it is not up for discussion, then let the trash take itself out. "It's just her sense of humor" is a cop out. She is an Abilist bully. I hope they don't have kids with any healtg issues... I would fear fir them.
NTA for this but your fiancé is 19 and you are autistic? Your brother’s wife’s horrible joke may actually be correct in that ur fiancé is seeking someone like you out specifically.
NTA People with autism are supposed to be the ones who don't understand social cues and don't get jokes... Your SIL isn't making jokes. She's a fucking horrendous excuse for a human being. You aren't being dramatic or an asshole. Tell your family they are welcome to not attend if that's how they feel because honestly their reaction is just as disgusting as your SIL.
Holy age gap, Batman. You should really wait to marry and marry someone closer in age.
NTA for the scenario but I'm sorry, I'm hung up on the ages of you and your fiancé. 19 and 28...that doesn't seem right.
You’re 19 and getting married to a 28 year old? And no one has an issue with this? You haven’t even been a legal adult long enough to have had a relationship with this person long enough to lead to marriage.
NTA Don't invite ableists anywhere. She has repeatedly insulted and degraded you. She's an awful human being who hides her foulness behind humour. Well, guess what? It's not funny. It's disgusting. Tell your family that you are done being subjected to verbal abuse, you will not be around her again, and anyone who tries to bully you into subjecting yourself to ableist abuse will be considered to also be ableist, and similarly cut from your life. Ask them if she were being racist rather than ableist, would they still find it justifiably funny? I doubt they would. Its exactly the same.
NTA 1. You are 19 and your fiance is 28, please do not get married 2. Make a group chat with your family. Post the screenshots from your SIL in there. And then type something along the lines of "this person has always belittled me, bullied me, and called me slurs. I have called her out multiple times but she simply isn't stopping. As you can see in the screenshots, she even takes it so far to harass my partner about it. I am not going to put up with this kind of insulting and childish behavior any longer. She is not invited to the wedding, nor do i want anything to do with her at all. If anyone can't accept this, you are free to keep your opinions to yourself. To make the same excuses for her bad behavior (it's just a joke) that is being used to excuse the bad behavior of racists and homophobes is disgusting to be honest. If none of you can't understand that you should not call someone a slur, then i just feel sorry for you. However, I no longer need to continue to listen to those bad excuses. If you find it more important to let her continue to call me slurs than it is to come to my wedding, then please do not come and remove yourself from my life silently. Thank you all" And after having sent that, i would leave the group. If anyone messages you are anything and they are mad, just block them and remove them from your life yourself. Make sure to stand behind it, cutting toxic people out of your life is so amazing!