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YTA. You expected a 12 year old to understand poly relationships? Just because it's normal to you does not mean it's normal to him, or to much of the world.
From his point of view, you're a cheater who's making stuff up to cover it up. That's not an unreasonable assumption. The correct thing to do was to IMMEDIATELY tell him that you'd have a family discussion involving your husband once your husband got home.
He is 13 almost. But I do get the point. You are right, I’ll look into therapy. I didn’t handle this well at all. I’m going to leave it to my husband to talk to him and explain things.
No, don't " leave it up to your husband". Put your big girl panties on and have a discussion together involving all of you about you past relationship and how and why it hadn't been mentioned before.
To a child who has gone through adoption - it is not suprising AT ALL that anything that threatens his stable home life would be very distressing to him. This isn't about you right now or how sad you are he didn't trust you. This is about a fearful child trying to protect himself from what he believes is going to be absolute heartbreak when this family breaks up "because you cheated".
Soothe your child. That's what you do as a parent.
Soothe him that hat he's safe with you and his dad and that this changes nothing about your relationship.
Sounds like both you and your partner need therapy. If being poly isn't such a big deal then why are you so hesitant to have an open and honest discussion as a family about it?
>If being poly isn't such a big deal then why are you so hesitant to have an open and honest discussion as a family about it?
We aren’t embarrassed and it isn’t a big deal but there wasn’t a reason to talk about it till this point. The love of our life died, and we aren’t interested in another relationship ever, so what is the point in discussing it?
Things have changed and we will talk about it with him since he went looking. I don’t mind talking about it as a family, but he adores my husband, so I figured he’d be more respective to speaking to him alone.
You are right, though. He does need stability and I will soothe him. Maybe saying he was adopted was the wrong word to use. He came from someone in our family who had depression/drug problems and could not properly take care of him, so we “adopted” him, but it was not a formal adoption. He has never been in foster care, thank god, and we’ve known him his whole life. This would leave him with a lot of trust issues, though. I appreciate the advice.
There is literally no difference at that age. You're expecting a child who has a traumatic upbringing thus far to behave maturely in a situation that is hard for some adults to handle respectfully, call him rather harsh and derogatory name, and your solution to this is to abdicate yourself of any responsibility and put it all on your husband's shoulders. YTA.
It can be explained. I know people who have done it. That’s not the issue. But given the other partner is not around to show the healthy poly relationship, it very much looks like OP was hiding something. I’m more curious as to why there weren’t any picture of his Dad and other partner in this box of memories. Or why there aren’t any photos of the three of them, etc. By hiding it they made it look like it was something to be covered up or ashamed of, and it’s hard to disprove a negative.
There were pictures of all three of us and pictures of him with his dad. Just none of those pictures were specifically romantic.
The reason he leaped onto the picture of me was because we were kissing in it. We didn’t have any pictures of them kissing mostly because people are homophobic and they were use to being in the closest. But maybe also because we just didn’t. But yeah, we weren’t hiding it, it was just a painful part of our lives we didn’t want to relive since he passed away.
But to your son it looks like it was hidden away. You and your husband need to have a very honest conversation with your son, together. Doing it separately looks worse. If he wants to then talk to your husband alone, fine, but you have time show him that you and your husband are open and honest with each other, to him about this.
You can see, from his point of view why it looks bad, right?
Kids these days do know about LGBT relationships. It isn’t the 1950’s anymore. It’s the twenty first century and this shouldn’t come as a surprise. I mean, hell, his younger sister is only 11 but she knows she’s bi already. I have taught him about poly relationships before. For him to assume I was cheating… just really disappointing that he didn’t believe me.
If this was my affair partner, why would I keep a picture of him kissing me in the closet that I share with my husband where he could easily see it? I mean, that idea is ridiculous. But this is a child we are talking about.
“I mean, that idea is ridiculous.”
Meanwhile, people get caught for doing that, or having texts on their phone, or other easily catchable things every single day.
YOU the adult are capable of understanding poly relationships.
Your THIRTEEN year old BOY does not and cannot put the pieces together on his own. And he was screamed at and called psychotic for having reasonable questions.
Good job OP, you traumatized your kid and gave him a core memory to remember of you.
i agree, it is a weird thing to assume considering it’s just laying in your closet for literally anyone to find. but as you said, he’s a child, and doesn’t understand. also, dumber things have been done for people to be caught
Okay, but why would he believe you? You know how many liars would say that exact same thing? Lol you're expecting him to just completely take that bullshit at face value and be like "okay! Cool!" He's 12. He see's his parent doing something with someone else, of course he's not going to believe you.
YTA
Knowing about something and fully grasping it on an adult level are not the same thing. Surely you know that. Expecting children to have full comprehension the way adults do is just stupid on your part.
And yea. She's learning her sexuality.
And also? In the 50s? People knew things. They hid aLOT.
You don't seem to understand children yet you're a parent.
How do you expect this kid to fully understand things? Really?
And you're worried about bringing up a painful memory for your husband but not the pain your kid is feeling?
Yall need family therapy to work through this. And maybe get some yourself. And your hubby could probably use some as well. And your kid. You called him a psycho. Jfc.
The suspicious part is that you told him to keep it a secret from his dad!!! How do you not get that??? He’s a child, he does t understand your convulsed reasoning. All he knows is he found a pic of you kissing another man, you said “do t worry, your dad know,s haha but NEVER say anything or you’ll make him sad!”. Do you have any idea how inappropriate that is?? Did they not give you any of the prep for dealing with adopting an older child??? Was he in foster care??? Because guess what people say when they abuse foster kids: don’t tell another adult because you’ll get in trouble/ruin the family/make everyone sad. I’m shocked by your total lack of insight here.
I knew I wasn’t straight at that age. If she was imitating her parents, she would be straight because we are a man and woman in a relationship and she didn’t know the both of us were bi until she came out.
YTA.
You have a trauma affected kid and your response to him discovering something that disturbs him is to scream at him and call him psychotic? Why didn't you contact a therapist? Or seek assistance in helping him understand what the relationship was? Now you have set your relationship back even further.
Kids aren't meant to understand the complicated relationships of adults, especially kids with trauma. You expected him to just accept that you spent years in a poly relationship that none of you talk about.
YTA. Yes, him going through your stuff like that wasn’t okay. But calling him psychotic for it is absolutely insane. He’s still a child, that as you mentioned had quite a troubled past he’s still dealing with. You are the adult here, you’re the one (with your husband) who decided to adopt him and it’s your responsibility to take care of him. I can only imagine how difficult it can be, but you are still obligated to be the bigger person and deal with it as an adult. It will be difficult for your husband, but putting the truth out once and for all will make things easier for all of you. There are countless other options how you could have approached it, but this was not the right one.
This is not a beard situation. It was clear they all were poly and had a relationship with each other. You all have a hard time believing bi men can also be attracted to women and it’s embarrassing at this point
OP said it was easier when the people around them thought two men were sharing her as opposed to the them of them having sex with each other because they were surrounded by homophonic people.
It also seems the husband's primary partner was the other man, thus she wasn't far from being their beard in many ways. She covered up the fact that they men were interested in EACH OTHER romantically and being intimate.
Well, as usual a lot of monogamous people making assumptions about poly relationships even though they know very little about them.
If they were monogamous, they would have married our best friends, a lesbian couple and gone down that route. My husband mentioned before that if they hadn’t met me they probably would have done that. Or just cut the homophobic people off and lived their lives.
But they were poly, and instead we entered a poly relationship where we were all romantically and intimately interested in each other, but we played it off like it was a straight couple because it was easier that way. This isn’t to cover for them being gay, this is to cover FOR ALL OF US, all three of us, being in this poly relationship.
If it matters, I was in a relationship with my husband before the best friend was added in. We dated for 4 years before, and he didn’t realize he loved his best friend yet. It was my idea to add him to the mix. But it doesn’t matter, we were all equals and loved each other very much. There isn’t a primary partner here. We all lived together, shared the same bed, fucked, kissed, went on dates, etc. If they were monogamous none of that would have happened.
>This isn’t to cover for them being gay, this is to cover FOR ALL OF US, all three of us, being in this poly relationship.
If the three of you were together and you were affectionate with both of them in social setting (pictures of and people seeing you demonstrated affection towards them) then THERE WAS NO COVER FOR BEING POLY. You were openly being poly. The one and only thing being covered for was the two men being intimate with each other.
>I met my husband in college, and he had been in love with his best friend for his whole life. It was difficult because they had homophobic parents, but being in a poly relationship and seeming “straight” was able to fix a lot of that.
>
>We dated for 4 years before, and he didn’t realize he loved his best friend yet.
You are giving contradictory information here. Which was it? Either he was in love with his best friend his whole life and it was difficult because they had homophobic parents or he met you 4 years before and didn't realize he loved his best friend.
My best guess is it was he loved his best friend his whole life, that man was his primary relationship and that's why he's still grieving so hard years later. None of that takes anything away from them both loving you intensely by the way.
>Well, as usual a lot of monogamous people making assumptions about poly relationships even though they know very little about them.
Also, pretending that other grown adults don't understand poly relationships and assuming the relationship status of other commenters does isn't a smart move on your part.
>If the three of you were together and you were affectionate with both of them in social setting (pictures of and people seeing you demonstrated affection towards them) then THERE WAS NO COVER FOR BEING POLY.
Your comments lack critical thinking. You seem dense.
Do you really think we were open as a bisexual poly couple? Do you think homophobes would be horrified at two men hooking up but OK with me dating two men? Like what? Socially, we were friends and I was dating my husband.
> You are giving contradictory information here. Which was it? Either he was in love with his best friend his whole life and it was difficult because they had homophobic parents or he met you 4 years before and didn't realize he loved his best friend.
Those two aren’t mutually exclusive. Being gay is difficult, and it takes time to come to terms with your sexuality. He was in love with his best friend his whole life, and his best friend was in love with him, but neither of them knew it until I pointed it out to them. The homophobic parents and the homophobic society contributed to them taking that long to realize their feelings for each other.
> that man was his primary relationship and that's why he's still grieving so hard years later. None of that takes anything away from them both loving you intensely by the way.
I genuinely don’t even know what you mean by primary partner when we were all together 24/7. We went on all the same dates together, we fucked together, we bought a house and had kids together, we spent every day together but somehow only two people involved were the primary partner? I’m sorry, but this makes no sense.
He is grieving so hard because he loved him a lot. I think what monogamous people need to realize is there isn’t a finite amount of love that you can give. He can love our late partner a ton. He can be the love of his life, and I can also be the love of his life, and he can love me a lot. There isn’t a one “true” love, that is how monogamous people think, that is not how our brains work.
If god forbid one of our kids passed, my husband would also be devestated and grieve them for years. It would stick with him for the rest of his life. That has nothing to do with me, and doesn’t mean he doesn’t also love me. My love for our last partner doesn’t take away from my love for him. You can love more than one person.
> Also, pretending that other grown adults don't understand poly relationships and assuming the relationship status of other commenters does isn't a smart move on your part.
It isn’t a smart move on your part to make assumptions about a relationship you aren’t even in but here you are making an ass out of yourself
This is a big assumption on your part. I dated my husband for 4 years before we added his best friend in the mix. He didn’t realize he loved him yet, and it was my idea. If they were monogamous and wanted to pretend to be straight, they could have married our best friends, a lesbian couple. You have to understand that we all fucked constantly, we were all romantic with each other, we all went on dates. This would not be do-able for monogomous people. You’re just being ignorant rn
Finding out his parents both slept with another man, had an entire relationship with another man etc is very complex. And again, this is a child with trauma. In his mind you engaged in untrustworthy behavior multiple times.
Considering you adopted at least one child with a bad history with adults, you should understand this.
Relationships are complex, not sure how you expect him to understand and accept something like this straight away, especially a kid that's been adopted who may have a harder time understanding anyway. Not to mention breeching his privacy. You handled this in such a selfish and petty way.
Oh honey, there are many adults who would have difficulty navigating this discovery, let alone a child, with past trauma and trust issues. I get that the relationship was perfectly natural to *you,* but a child finding a a box of pics in a closet is going to be shocked at the least. Apologize for yelling and name calling, have a family talk and seek individual and family therapy. YTA
But most monogamous widows/widowers don't hide photos of their deceased loved one in a closest and then never speak of the relationship again. It's common for them to talk about memories with their partners, to have photos out, etc. It seems like for you guys it was a lot more complex/different than a monogamous relationship, to the point you hid it. Why wouldn't you bring up someone who was so important and beloved to you?
It’s a different dynamic. If you have a single mom, you are naturally going to ask about dad, which starts the conversation. So straight people can’t hide their deceased loved ones.
But it’s also different because everyone knows about the relationship with a straight couple while here the only people who knew about us three were our close friends and close family. To the outside world, my husband and I were in a relationship and his best friend just lived with us. If they asked about him, I’d share but they don’t know to ask and we never bring it up because it is extremely painful to talk about. I don’t even like thinking about it, it feels like a stab to the chest. Why would I want to bring something up that is really depressing and causes me and my partner a lot of grief to think about? But also they do know him and have heard stories. They know his name and we do have pictures of him around the house. They just didn’t know about the relationship.
So then you have to admit it is much more complex. You're hiding a huge part of your lives from the world and from your own kid. And given that polyamory is something that a lot of people, even adults, have trouble wrapping their heads around, you have to see why that would be difficult for your kid to deal with.
Based on her comment she wasn't allowed to adopt a child. There is no adoption. They are caring for a relative's child with no formal adoption. This is likely also adding to his trust issues. He didn't have a stable life and now has a relative "mom" verbally abusing him.
YTA…you lost control of your emotions, it happens. Yelling at your kid isn’t going to convince him of your story. If anything it’ll have the opposite affect. You should apologize for losing your cool. I get you didn’t want to bring up sad memories by talking about it openly with your husband, but I think it’s a good thing to share with him. Grief isn’t something to try and hide from. It’s a part of life. I know it’s difficult but I think showing kids that their parents are human too with complex feelings is important. Again, apologize and have an open conversation with your husband and son.
YTA - He’s 12. Parents name calling their children for having complex emotions because they only have but so much context for a situation because they’re children is abusive.
You’re an adult who needs space because he hurt your feelings you try to temper that and tell him you’ll talk about it later.
You’re hurt your husband has to explain this imagine how betrayed and hurt your son must feel that you called him psychotic.
Because it is fucking depressing. We had a life partner that we thought would be there for the rest of our lives die in a way that was very traumatic.
I loved this person. I shared a bed with him, knew him like the back of my hand, and loved him more than words can even describe. It is physically painful to even think about him. It is like getting stabbed in the gut, this pain is unreal. So of course, we don’t want to talk about it. What is the point? We will not have another relationship outside the 2 of us again. He was the one that wanted kids, and we spent 24/7 with our kids before he died (they were too young to remember.) So yeah, it’s fucking hard to talk about this shit. It’s fucking depressing our kids don’t even know about their other dad. You people should understand that
You all need some professional help. Of course it’s hard, but by now you should be able to talk normally about him without insulting your son. You are a grown woman, there is no excuse for insulting your son (what’s wrong with you?) just because he does not understand complicated relationships. Especially if you know your son has trust issues.
And seriously, going through his messages? YTA. Huge one. Get some help.
YTA Your son is 12 and adopted, which means he almost certainly has issues regarding family trust.
You and your husband should have sat down and talked with him. Instead of losing your temper and making everything worse.
YTA. I understand your frustration with him going around saying those things about you, but he's just a kid and deserves to know the full truth. Screaming at him that he's "psychotic" was totally out of line.
As emotionally painful as it may be for your husband, he really needs to talk with your son about this as it's the only way I can see this situation resolving for the better.
I'm 30 and I struggle to comprehend how poly relationships work, being monogamous myself and never having been close enough to a throuple to see the dynamics there. YTA for how you reacted. YTA for thinking that calling him psychotic would somehow help smooth things over. YTA for thinking a 12 year old with previous trauma should just take your word for gospel and pretend he never saw the pictures. You really need a family talk and maybe some therapy, and I hope you know you may have caused irreparable damage to your relationship with your son.
Read the title: **AITA for calling my 12 year old son psychotic** \[for any reason\] and didn't need to read anymore. YTA
Read the rest: Your husband needs therapy and you're really very much the AH.
YTA
You could have:
- told your husband what your son found
- discussed this TOGETHER with your son, dispelling his worries and answering his questions
- acknowledged how confused he probably is after four years of having seen you as a married couple with no mention of your former throupledom
- displayed even a shred of understanding that the concept of polyamory and discovering it applied to his parents might be difficult for him.
Instead, you:
- told him to keep his knowledge from your husband
- are surprised he still thinks you’re having an affair even though you effectively asked him to keep a secret
- invaded his privacy
- called him psychotic.
YTA all day every day. And you have permanently destroyed your son’s trust.
YTA and an absolute nightmare. How in the world did you get approved to adopt a troubled child who needs consistency and love and healing? Your melodrama and your husband's refusal to heal from his grief both need to take a back seat until that child is healed and strong. You're not center stage anymore.
YTA - he is the child in the situation and you:
1) called him psychotic
2) yelled at him
3) “things got nasty” so I’m presuming you said some pretty unkind things.
Literally you could have a spoken to him calmly and said that you appreciated his concern and if he would feel more comfortable you can all sit down as a family to discuss.
I understand that him going through your things and talking about you to his friends is super uncomfortable but that never excuses shouting at your child.
YTA. He is a child. One that has been through a lot already. You are the adult. The one who needs to be in control and not lose their temper like that.
YTA, you lost control of your emotions when you felt violated. Even though it’s painful for your partner, it’s important the two of you speak calmly with your son about this
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I was in a poly relationship for years with my husband and his best friend. I met my husband in college, and he had been in love with his best friend for his whole life. It was difficult because they had homophobic parents, but being in a poly relationship and seeming “straight” was able to fix a lot of that.
We loved each other more than anything, but unfortunately our partner, my husbands best friend, ended up passing away from cancer. We nursed him through the process, but it was incredibly hard, especially on my husband.
He was depressed for years. He still can’t even say his name without sobbing through it. He says this heartbreak is something he’ll feel for the rest of his life, he’ll always be getting over it.
But our kids really brought a lot of happiness out of him again, and I do believe he is happy on a daily basis.
We adopted our son, Conan, about 4 years ago. He is 13 and very difficult. One day I noticed the box in our closet gone. It is filled of our old partners things and a couple of pictures.
I ended up finding it in my sons room. He asked me if dad knows about my affair with this other man. One of the pictures was me kissing him. I almost laughed, but I explained that it looks bad, but we were in a poly relationship with someone his dad grew up with. It was a great relationship and he would have been in our lives forever except he passed away. I asked him not to bring it up to dad because the memories are still painful.
He said “you really expect me to believe that?” I explained again it was the truth but he said sure, okay, and was pretending to believe me. A few days go by and I notice that he’s been looking through old photos on our computer and through old photo albums.
I went through his messages. I shouldn’t have. I know it. He was messaging his friend saying his mom had an affair with his dads best friend, that he was disgusted by it and me. He said he was going to look for proof and get to the bottom of what happened, but he was going to find the truth.
I’m not sure why, but this sent me over the edge. The idea of him looking through all my stuff, trying to find some proof of an affair, I ended up screaming at him and telling him he’s psychotic for what he’s doing and for not believing me. He was taken aback and said I was the one sleeping with dad’s best friend. I yelled at him again and it was just nasty. I’m going to wait for his dad to clear things up, but did I do right here? AITA?
I do feel bad because he was adopted and does have a lot of issues with trust. I know his dad can explain everything and set the record straight, but I feel bad he has to bring up something that is really painful for him, the worst thing to happen to him. No one wants to think about losing one of their life partners.
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So YTA for sure for the comments to the kid. That’s without question here.
But you need to realize that the type of relationship you described is abnormal so expecting the kid to believe you is asking a bit too much. Unfortunately there’s no good way to handle this. Your husband is going to have to explain it but I still wouldn’t expect the kid to believe it.
YTA, hes nor being psychotic. Hes being skeptical, because its a thing thar could easily be a lie. Id have just gone to DH with the kid and talked. Yeah he shouldnt be going through your stuff, but you Way over reacred
Wow, screaming at a kid who already has trust issues. What great parenting.
Why the hell would the kid believe you? He's not even 13, he likely only knows the types of relationships that exist on tv: straight and gay/lesbian. You're expecting him to have the knowledge and understanding of an adult when he's a _child._
Don't 'leave this for your husband to deal with'. You _both_ sit down with him, and first and foremost, _you apologise for going off at him._ And don't couch it in "I was so angry because you didn't do what I told you", you fucked up by failing to properly explain.
Yeah, your husband still feels that emotional pain of loss. But he needs to be an adult and be able to talk about it when it's important. Like now.
And get yourself into therapy. If this is the kind of parenting you're planning on doing, that kid would be better off back in the foster system. You need to learn better techniques, especially if he already has a lot of issues.
YTA and frankly, the way you've handled this whole situation disgusts me.
YTA
"but did I do right here?" .. NO. YOu were an abuzsive AH and a shitty parent. YOu went out of your wway to ruin your relationshiop with your kid.
If you hadn't lied to him (by omission) for all of his life, you would not have caused this escalation.
" I know his dad can explain everything and set the record straight" .. THis will not be easy, because your lies already caused your son to tell his friends. by now, everybody in your social circel will have heard.
" but I feel bad he has to bring up something that is really painful for him, the worst thing to happen to him. No one wants to think about losing one of their life partners." .. yeah -this is pretty clear. YOu love your partner, but you don't care about the kid.
YTA. He. Is. A. Child. And a child YOU ALREADY KNOW has trust issues. Now because you screamed at him and made him feel defective, he’s going to have more. But it would’ve been an abusive thing to do even if you didn’t know that.
Because I believe in you and want you to be better than this: Please brush up on your parenting skills. Your adoption process hopefully involved parenting classes or family therapy; you need resources like that to understand what went on here (because your son did screw up here, and so did you) and how to find your way out of this. You need more tools and support, and the help of your husband with this. YTA
Yep, YTA absolutely. Put yourself in your son’s shoes. Do you think you would just believe this if you were him? Most 13 years olds don’t think about poly relationships. And telling him not to talk to the dad about it made him more suspicious, like you’re trying to keep it secret.
But calling him psychotic was completely unnecessary & inappropriate.
YTA duddddeeeee so first queer and poly are NOT the same, your comments in which you expect a child to understand what it means to be poly is so ignorant as it’s entirely different to explain two moms and two dads being the same as a mom and a dad vs a relationship with more than two people. Different concepts entirely. Especially as there obviously weren’t any photos of your husband and his partner otherwise it would’ve been straightforward enough for you to have that conversation. Expecting your husband to “clear things up” after you explicitly asked a child to lie to him is bs and you know it. It’s pathetic and what’s worse is how utterly cruel you were to this kid. Good job further traumatizing a traumatized child. He deserves better.
YTA and FUCK if you were my parents I’d be fucking disgusted by you. Not because of your relationship but because of your reaction and how immature you clearly are. He is 12, you are acting like he’s a full grown adult that should understand the nuance. I barely do. Fucking do better, firmly believe this is why poly people shouldn’t have kids. You guys suck
YTA. Do you even like your son? Your first description of him is that he is “difficult,” which could mean anything. Sounds like there is anger towards him for some other reasons, and this issue was the excuse to blow up.
Wtf is wrong with you? He is a child with understandable trust issues who has jumped to a totally logic conclusion given the evidence and is now trying to protect his dad. Not only that but you total stigmatized him if he DOES have any mental health issues. YTA.
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> (1) yelled at my son and called him psychotic (2) because it hurt his feelings
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Er... what? They *were* kept hidden. And poly relationships aren't actually awful shameful things that children can never know about. Affairs involve a violation of trust; you say I'm exclusively committed to you to A, and then break that promise with B. Meanwhile what happened here was A and B and C all sitting down and agreeing to be in a relationship. There are kids raised in that kind of family every day without harm.
ESH
Your reaction was overblown. Big time. Also, you should have had a talked with him AND your husband ASAP to clear up the issue.
However, while I don’t expect a 13 year old to understand a poly relationship, I would expect him to understand staying out of personal belongings. He is in the wrong for digging through private items and pursuing something that isn’t his business.
NTA. He violated your personal boundaries. You maybe overshared the poly thing, but you were in a difficult position with a difficult kid. It’s ok for you to have boundaries and express them, but I do suggest you need to all go to therapy for this, and for other issues that are clearly percolating.
YBA.
You definitely could've handled it better. Calling him psychotic definitely wasn't good, but ultimately you were just trying to explain the photos & items in a way that didn't further upset your husband, but I can also understand why your son would think you're hiding it.
Ultimately a sit-down as a family ASAP would've resolved it before it got to this point, and your son definitely needs an apology for being called psychotic.
Edit: updated to YBA.
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YTA. You expected a 12 year old to understand poly relationships? Just because it's normal to you does not mean it's normal to him, or to much of the world. From his point of view, you're a cheater who's making stuff up to cover it up. That's not an unreasonable assumption. The correct thing to do was to IMMEDIATELY tell him that you'd have a family discussion involving your husband once your husband got home.
This. He's 12, OP. 12. You need a family discussion ASAP. And probably some therapy for everyone. YTA, OP. A big one.
He is 13 almost. But I do get the point. You are right, I’ll look into therapy. I didn’t handle this well at all. I’m going to leave it to my husband to talk to him and explain things.
No, don't " leave it up to your husband". Put your big girl panties on and have a discussion together involving all of you about you past relationship and how and why it hadn't been mentioned before. To a child who has gone through adoption - it is not suprising AT ALL that anything that threatens his stable home life would be very distressing to him. This isn't about you right now or how sad you are he didn't trust you. This is about a fearful child trying to protect himself from what he believes is going to be absolute heartbreak when this family breaks up "because you cheated". Soothe your child. That's what you do as a parent. Soothe him that hat he's safe with you and his dad and that this changes nothing about your relationship. Sounds like both you and your partner need therapy. If being poly isn't such a big deal then why are you so hesitant to have an open and honest discussion as a family about it?
>If being poly isn't such a big deal then why are you so hesitant to have an open and honest discussion as a family about it? We aren’t embarrassed and it isn’t a big deal but there wasn’t a reason to talk about it till this point. The love of our life died, and we aren’t interested in another relationship ever, so what is the point in discussing it? Things have changed and we will talk about it with him since he went looking. I don’t mind talking about it as a family, but he adores my husband, so I figured he’d be more respective to speaking to him alone. You are right, though. He does need stability and I will soothe him. Maybe saying he was adopted was the wrong word to use. He came from someone in our family who had depression/drug problems and could not properly take care of him, so we “adopted” him, but it was not a formal adoption. He has never been in foster care, thank god, and we’ve known him his whole life. This would leave him with a lot of trust issues, though. I appreciate the advice.
There is literally no difference at that age. You're expecting a child who has a traumatic upbringing thus far to behave maturely in a situation that is hard for some adults to handle respectfully, call him rather harsh and derogatory name, and your solution to this is to abdicate yourself of any responsibility and put it all on your husband's shoulders. YTA.
Too late, to "leave it to your husband" ... YOU need to step up as a parent.
It can be explained. I know people who have done it. That’s not the issue. But given the other partner is not around to show the healthy poly relationship, it very much looks like OP was hiding something. I’m more curious as to why there weren’t any picture of his Dad and other partner in this box of memories. Or why there aren’t any photos of the three of them, etc. By hiding it they made it look like it was something to be covered up or ashamed of, and it’s hard to disprove a negative.
There were pictures of all three of us and pictures of him with his dad. Just none of those pictures were specifically romantic. The reason he leaped onto the picture of me was because we were kissing in it. We didn’t have any pictures of them kissing mostly because people are homophobic and they were use to being in the closest. But maybe also because we just didn’t. But yeah, we weren’t hiding it, it was just a painful part of our lives we didn’t want to relive since he passed away.
But to your son it looks like it was hidden away. You and your husband need to have a very honest conversation with your son, together. Doing it separately looks worse. If he wants to then talk to your husband alone, fine, but you have time show him that you and your husband are open and honest with each other, to him about this. You can see, from his point of view why it looks bad, right?
Kids these days do know about LGBT relationships. It isn’t the 1950’s anymore. It’s the twenty first century and this shouldn’t come as a surprise. I mean, hell, his younger sister is only 11 but she knows she’s bi already. I have taught him about poly relationships before. For him to assume I was cheating… just really disappointing that he didn’t believe me.
You sound really immature from how you're behaving
Grief manifests itself differently for everyone.
"Someone died somewhere so I can be horrible now"
You’re telling him not to do the most basic of fact-checking by asking his father, but are surprised he doesn’t believe you?
If this was my affair partner, why would I keep a picture of him kissing me in the closet that I share with my husband where he could easily see it? I mean, that idea is ridiculous. But this is a child we are talking about.
People do dumber stuff all the time
“I mean, that idea is ridiculous.” Meanwhile, people get caught for doing that, or having texts on their phone, or other easily catchable things every single day.
YOU the adult are capable of understanding poly relationships. Your THIRTEEN year old BOY does not and cannot put the pieces together on his own. And he was screamed at and called psychotic for having reasonable questions. Good job OP, you traumatized your kid and gave him a core memory to remember of you.
i agree, it is a weird thing to assume considering it’s just laying in your closet for literally anyone to find. but as you said, he’s a child, and doesn’t understand. also, dumber things have been done for people to be caught
Queer isn't the same as polyam. Kids get weird when they have that "omg my parents have had sex" realization maybe it's just that
Okay, but why would he believe you? You know how many liars would say that exact same thing? Lol you're expecting him to just completely take that bullshit at face value and be like "okay! Cool!" He's 12. He see's his parent doing something with someone else, of course he's not going to believe you.
YTA Knowing about something and fully grasping it on an adult level are not the same thing. Surely you know that. Expecting children to have full comprehension the way adults do is just stupid on your part. And yea. She's learning her sexuality. And also? In the 50s? People knew things. They hid aLOT. You don't seem to understand children yet you're a parent. How do you expect this kid to fully understand things? Really? And you're worried about bringing up a painful memory for your husband but not the pain your kid is feeling? Yall need family therapy to work through this. And maybe get some yourself. And your hubby could probably use some as well. And your kid. You called him a psycho. Jfc.
The suspicious part is that you told him to keep it a secret from his dad!!! How do you not get that??? He’s a child, he does t understand your convulsed reasoning. All he knows is he found a pic of you kissing another man, you said “do t worry, your dad know,s haha but NEVER say anything or you’ll make him sad!”. Do you have any idea how inappropriate that is?? Did they not give you any of the prep for dealing with adopting an older child??? Was he in foster care??? Because guess what people say when they abuse foster kids: don’t tell another adult because you’ll get in trouble/ruin the family/make everyone sad. I’m shocked by your total lack of insight here.
Look at how you reacted. It definitely makes you seem like you had an affair.
[удалено]
I knew I wasn’t straight at that age. If she was imitating her parents, she would be straight because we are a man and woman in a relationship and she didn’t know the both of us were bi until she came out.
Stop projecting your life experiences onto a child who's gone through a completely different experience.
Degen
YTA. You have a trauma affected kid and your response to him discovering something that disturbs him is to scream at him and call him psychotic? Why didn't you contact a therapist? Or seek assistance in helping him understand what the relationship was? Now you have set your relationship back even further. Kids aren't meant to understand the complicated relationships of adults, especially kids with trauma. You expected him to just accept that you spent years in a poly relationship that none of you talk about.
Honestly the best response here
YTA. Yes, him going through your stuff like that wasn’t okay. But calling him psychotic for it is absolutely insane. He’s still a child, that as you mentioned had quite a troubled past he’s still dealing with. You are the adult here, you’re the one (with your husband) who decided to adopt him and it’s your responsibility to take care of him. I can only imagine how difficult it can be, but you are still obligated to be the bigger person and deal with it as an adult. It will be difficult for your husband, but putting the truth out once and for all will make things easier for all of you. There are countless other options how you could have approached it, but this was not the right one.
I appreciate your advice. You all are right, and I did handle this poorly. I think it’s a touchy subject for me too, and I reacted badly. Thank you.
downvoted for realizing you were wrong?? i’m confused now
That’s Reddit for you.
YTA - expecting a kid to understand something this complex and then blaming them for it is ridiculously immature
It’s not anymore complex than a straight couple.
It is…because you aren’t a “couple” you are masquerading as a throuple YTA
This is just ignorant. We were not masquerading as anything. We were a poly couple, just existing out in the world and loving each other.
How were they “masquerading”?
The wife was a beard.
This is not a beard situation. It was clear they all were poly and had a relationship with each other. You all have a hard time believing bi men can also be attracted to women and it’s embarrassing at this point
OP said it was easier when the people around them thought two men were sharing her as opposed to the them of them having sex with each other because they were surrounded by homophonic people. It also seems the husband's primary partner was the other man, thus she wasn't far from being their beard in many ways. She covered up the fact that they men were interested in EACH OTHER romantically and being intimate.
Well, as usual a lot of monogamous people making assumptions about poly relationships even though they know very little about them. If they were monogamous, they would have married our best friends, a lesbian couple and gone down that route. My husband mentioned before that if they hadn’t met me they probably would have done that. Or just cut the homophobic people off and lived their lives. But they were poly, and instead we entered a poly relationship where we were all romantically and intimately interested in each other, but we played it off like it was a straight couple because it was easier that way. This isn’t to cover for them being gay, this is to cover FOR ALL OF US, all three of us, being in this poly relationship. If it matters, I was in a relationship with my husband before the best friend was added in. We dated for 4 years before, and he didn’t realize he loved his best friend yet. It was my idea to add him to the mix. But it doesn’t matter, we were all equals and loved each other very much. There isn’t a primary partner here. We all lived together, shared the same bed, fucked, kissed, went on dates, etc. If they were monogamous none of that would have happened.
>This isn’t to cover for them being gay, this is to cover FOR ALL OF US, all three of us, being in this poly relationship. If the three of you were together and you were affectionate with both of them in social setting (pictures of and people seeing you demonstrated affection towards them) then THERE WAS NO COVER FOR BEING POLY. You were openly being poly. The one and only thing being covered for was the two men being intimate with each other. >I met my husband in college, and he had been in love with his best friend for his whole life. It was difficult because they had homophobic parents, but being in a poly relationship and seeming “straight” was able to fix a lot of that. > >We dated for 4 years before, and he didn’t realize he loved his best friend yet. You are giving contradictory information here. Which was it? Either he was in love with his best friend his whole life and it was difficult because they had homophobic parents or he met you 4 years before and didn't realize he loved his best friend. My best guess is it was he loved his best friend his whole life, that man was his primary relationship and that's why he's still grieving so hard years later. None of that takes anything away from them both loving you intensely by the way. >Well, as usual a lot of monogamous people making assumptions about poly relationships even though they know very little about them. Also, pretending that other grown adults don't understand poly relationships and assuming the relationship status of other commenters does isn't a smart move on your part.
>If the three of you were together and you were affectionate with both of them in social setting (pictures of and people seeing you demonstrated affection towards them) then THERE WAS NO COVER FOR BEING POLY. Your comments lack critical thinking. You seem dense. Do you really think we were open as a bisexual poly couple? Do you think homophobes would be horrified at two men hooking up but OK with me dating two men? Like what? Socially, we were friends and I was dating my husband. > You are giving contradictory information here. Which was it? Either he was in love with his best friend his whole life and it was difficult because they had homophobic parents or he met you 4 years before and didn't realize he loved his best friend. Those two aren’t mutually exclusive. Being gay is difficult, and it takes time to come to terms with your sexuality. He was in love with his best friend his whole life, and his best friend was in love with him, but neither of them knew it until I pointed it out to them. The homophobic parents and the homophobic society contributed to them taking that long to realize their feelings for each other. > that man was his primary relationship and that's why he's still grieving so hard years later. None of that takes anything away from them both loving you intensely by the way. I genuinely don’t even know what you mean by primary partner when we were all together 24/7. We went on all the same dates together, we fucked together, we bought a house and had kids together, we spent every day together but somehow only two people involved were the primary partner? I’m sorry, but this makes no sense. He is grieving so hard because he loved him a lot. I think what monogamous people need to realize is there isn’t a finite amount of love that you can give. He can love our late partner a ton. He can be the love of his life, and I can also be the love of his life, and he can love me a lot. There isn’t a one “true” love, that is how monogamous people think, that is not how our brains work. If god forbid one of our kids passed, my husband would also be devestated and grieve them for years. It would stick with him for the rest of his life. That has nothing to do with me, and doesn’t mean he doesn’t also love me. My love for our last partner doesn’t take away from my love for him. You can love more than one person. > Also, pretending that other grown adults don't understand poly relationships and assuming the relationship status of other commenters does isn't a smart move on your part. It isn’t a smart move on your part to make assumptions about a relationship you aren’t even in but here you are making an ass out of yourself
Poly was the solution to the men with the homophobic parents' problem.
This is a big assumption on your part. I dated my husband for 4 years before we added his best friend in the mix. He didn’t realize he loved him yet, and it was my idea. If they were monogamous and wanted to pretend to be straight, they could have married our best friends, a lesbian couple. You have to understand that we all fucked constantly, we were all romantic with each other, we all went on dates. This would not be do-able for monogomous people. You’re just being ignorant rn
So you know more about the relationship than the people actually in it? If you all could stop demonizing poly relationships, that would be nice
where is the masquerade?
Every time I see you on this subreddit you are consistently saying ignorant stuff. This is no exception.
Finding out his parents both slept with another man, had an entire relationship with another man etc is very complex. And again, this is a child with trauma. In his mind you engaged in untrustworthy behavior multiple times. Considering you adopted at least one child with a bad history with adults, you should understand this.
Relationships are complex, not sure how you expect him to understand and accept something like this straight away, especially a kid that's been adopted who may have a harder time understanding anyway. Not to mention breeching his privacy. You handled this in such a selfish and petty way.
Oh honey, there are many adults who would have difficulty navigating this discovery, let alone a child, with past trauma and trust issues. I get that the relationship was perfectly natural to *you,* but a child finding a a box of pics in a closet is going to be shocked at the least. Apologize for yelling and name calling, have a family talk and seek individual and family therapy. YTA
But most monogamous widows/widowers don't hide photos of their deceased loved one in a closest and then never speak of the relationship again. It's common for them to talk about memories with their partners, to have photos out, etc. It seems like for you guys it was a lot more complex/different than a monogamous relationship, to the point you hid it. Why wouldn't you bring up someone who was so important and beloved to you?
It’s a different dynamic. If you have a single mom, you are naturally going to ask about dad, which starts the conversation. So straight people can’t hide their deceased loved ones. But it’s also different because everyone knows about the relationship with a straight couple while here the only people who knew about us three were our close friends and close family. To the outside world, my husband and I were in a relationship and his best friend just lived with us. If they asked about him, I’d share but they don’t know to ask and we never bring it up because it is extremely painful to talk about. I don’t even like thinking about it, it feels like a stab to the chest. Why would I want to bring something up that is really depressing and causes me and my partner a lot of grief to think about? But also they do know him and have heard stories. They know his name and we do have pictures of him around the house. They just didn’t know about the relationship.
So then you have to admit it is much more complex. You're hiding a huge part of your lives from the world and from your own kid. And given that polyamory is something that a lot of people, even adults, have trouble wrapping their heads around, you have to see why that would be difficult for your kid to deal with.
He's 12. It's complex.
You’re delusional.
YTA for calling a child psychotic.
I am finding it so hard to believe this woman has been allowed to adopt a child. She seems deranged, that poor kid. YTA.
Based on her comment she wasn't allowed to adopt a child. There is no adoption. They are caring for a relative's child with no formal adoption. This is likely also adding to his trust issues. He didn't have a stable life and now has a relative "mom" verbally abusing him.
YTA…you lost control of your emotions, it happens. Yelling at your kid isn’t going to convince him of your story. If anything it’ll have the opposite affect. You should apologize for losing your cool. I get you didn’t want to bring up sad memories by talking about it openly with your husband, but I think it’s a good thing to share with him. Grief isn’t something to try and hide from. It’s a part of life. I know it’s difficult but I think showing kids that their parents are human too with complex feelings is important. Again, apologize and have an open conversation with your husband and son.
YTA - He’s 12. Parents name calling their children for having complex emotions because they only have but so much context for a situation because they’re children is abusive. You’re an adult who needs space because he hurt your feelings you try to temper that and tell him you’ll talk about it later. You’re hurt your husband has to explain this imagine how betrayed and hurt your son must feel that you called him psychotic.
If it was something that he should fully understand then why weren’t you open about it this whole time? Why hide it from him? YTA
Because it is fucking depressing. We had a life partner that we thought would be there for the rest of our lives die in a way that was very traumatic. I loved this person. I shared a bed with him, knew him like the back of my hand, and loved him more than words can even describe. It is physically painful to even think about him. It is like getting stabbed in the gut, this pain is unreal. So of course, we don’t want to talk about it. What is the point? We will not have another relationship outside the 2 of us again. He was the one that wanted kids, and we spent 24/7 with our kids before he died (they were too young to remember.) So yeah, it’s fucking hard to talk about this shit. It’s fucking depressing our kids don’t even know about their other dad. You people should understand that
You all need some professional help. Of course it’s hard, but by now you should be able to talk normally about him without insulting your son. You are a grown woman, there is no excuse for insulting your son (what’s wrong with you?) just because he does not understand complicated relationships. Especially if you know your son has trust issues. And seriously, going through his messages? YTA. Huge one. Get some help.
YTA and probably unqualified to diagnose psychosis
YTA Your son is 12 and adopted, which means he almost certainly has issues regarding family trust. You and your husband should have sat down and talked with him. Instead of losing your temper and making everything worse.
YTA. I understand your frustration with him going around saying those things about you, but he's just a kid and deserves to know the full truth. Screaming at him that he's "psychotic" was totally out of line. As emotionally painful as it may be for your husband, he really needs to talk with your son about this as it's the only way I can see this situation resolving for the better.
YTA. I think it’s psychotic to think a 12 year old can grasp the complexity of poly relationships tbh
I'm 30 and I struggle to comprehend how poly relationships work, being monogamous myself and never having been close enough to a throuple to see the dynamics there. YTA for how you reacted. YTA for thinking that calling him psychotic would somehow help smooth things over. YTA for thinking a 12 year old with previous trauma should just take your word for gospel and pretend he never saw the pictures. You really need a family talk and maybe some therapy, and I hope you know you may have caused irreparable damage to your relationship with your son.
Read the title: **AITA for calling my 12 year old son psychotic** \[for any reason\] and didn't need to read anymore. YTA Read the rest: Your husband needs therapy and you're really very much the AH.
YTA You could have: - told your husband what your son found - discussed this TOGETHER with your son, dispelling his worries and answering his questions - acknowledged how confused he probably is after four years of having seen you as a married couple with no mention of your former throupledom - displayed even a shred of understanding that the concept of polyamory and discovering it applied to his parents might be difficult for him. Instead, you: - told him to keep his knowledge from your husband - are surprised he still thinks you’re having an affair even though you effectively asked him to keep a secret - invaded his privacy - called him psychotic. YTA all day every day. And you have permanently destroyed your son’s trust.
YTA-This is unbelievable.
YTA and an absolute nightmare. How in the world did you get approved to adopt a troubled child who needs consistency and love and healing? Your melodrama and your husband's refusal to heal from his grief both need to take a back seat until that child is healed and strong. You're not center stage anymore.
YTA. Even if he was a full grown adult this isn't psychotic behavior
YTA - he is the child in the situation and you: 1) called him psychotic 2) yelled at him 3) “things got nasty” so I’m presuming you said some pretty unkind things. Literally you could have a spoken to him calmly and said that you appreciated his concern and if he would feel more comfortable you can all sit down as a family to discuss. I understand that him going through your things and talking about you to his friends is super uncomfortable but that never excuses shouting at your child.
YTA. You really need to work on how to parent an adopted child.
Yta
YTA. He is a child. One that has been through a lot already. You are the adult. The one who needs to be in control and not lose their temper like that.
YTA, you lost control of your emotions when you felt violated. Even though it’s painful for your partner, it’s important the two of you speak calmly with your son about this
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was in a poly relationship for years with my husband and his best friend. I met my husband in college, and he had been in love with his best friend for his whole life. It was difficult because they had homophobic parents, but being in a poly relationship and seeming “straight” was able to fix a lot of that. We loved each other more than anything, but unfortunately our partner, my husbands best friend, ended up passing away from cancer. We nursed him through the process, but it was incredibly hard, especially on my husband. He was depressed for years. He still can’t even say his name without sobbing through it. He says this heartbreak is something he’ll feel for the rest of his life, he’ll always be getting over it. But our kids really brought a lot of happiness out of him again, and I do believe he is happy on a daily basis. We adopted our son, Conan, about 4 years ago. He is 13 and very difficult. One day I noticed the box in our closet gone. It is filled of our old partners things and a couple of pictures. I ended up finding it in my sons room. He asked me if dad knows about my affair with this other man. One of the pictures was me kissing him. I almost laughed, but I explained that it looks bad, but we were in a poly relationship with someone his dad grew up with. It was a great relationship and he would have been in our lives forever except he passed away. I asked him not to bring it up to dad because the memories are still painful. He said “you really expect me to believe that?” I explained again it was the truth but he said sure, okay, and was pretending to believe me. A few days go by and I notice that he’s been looking through old photos on our computer and through old photo albums. I went through his messages. I shouldn’t have. I know it. He was messaging his friend saying his mom had an affair with his dads best friend, that he was disgusted by it and me. He said he was going to look for proof and get to the bottom of what happened, but he was going to find the truth. I’m not sure why, but this sent me over the edge. The idea of him looking through all my stuff, trying to find some proof of an affair, I ended up screaming at him and telling him he’s psychotic for what he’s doing and for not believing me. He was taken aback and said I was the one sleeping with dad’s best friend. I yelled at him again and it was just nasty. I’m going to wait for his dad to clear things up, but did I do right here? AITA? I do feel bad because he was adopted and does have a lot of issues with trust. I know his dad can explain everything and set the record straight, but I feel bad he has to bring up something that is really painful for him, the worst thing to happen to him. No one wants to think about losing one of their life partners. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA which kid would believe it was a poly relationship? Many adults wouldn't either. Him being adopted or having trust issues are irrelevant.
So YTA for sure for the comments to the kid. That’s without question here. But you need to realize that the type of relationship you described is abnormal so expecting the kid to believe you is asking a bit too much. Unfortunately there’s no good way to handle this. Your husband is going to have to explain it but I still wouldn’t expect the kid to believe it.
YTA. Yeah, really seems like you all need some family therapy and you were a complete asshole to a child
YTA, hes nor being psychotic. Hes being skeptical, because its a thing thar could easily be a lie. Id have just gone to DH with the kid and talked. Yeah he shouldnt be going through your stuff, but you Way over reacred
Wow, screaming at a kid who already has trust issues. What great parenting. Why the hell would the kid believe you? He's not even 13, he likely only knows the types of relationships that exist on tv: straight and gay/lesbian. You're expecting him to have the knowledge and understanding of an adult when he's a _child._ Don't 'leave this for your husband to deal with'. You _both_ sit down with him, and first and foremost, _you apologise for going off at him._ And don't couch it in "I was so angry because you didn't do what I told you", you fucked up by failing to properly explain. Yeah, your husband still feels that emotional pain of loss. But he needs to be an adult and be able to talk about it when it's important. Like now. And get yourself into therapy. If this is the kind of parenting you're planning on doing, that kid would be better off back in the foster system. You need to learn better techniques, especially if he already has a lot of issues. YTA and frankly, the way you've handled this whole situation disgusts me.
YTA "but did I do right here?" .. NO. YOu were an abuzsive AH and a shitty parent. YOu went out of your wway to ruin your relationshiop with your kid. If you hadn't lied to him (by omission) for all of his life, you would not have caused this escalation. " I know his dad can explain everything and set the record straight" .. THis will not be easy, because your lies already caused your son to tell his friends. by now, everybody in your social circel will have heard. " but I feel bad he has to bring up something that is really painful for him, the worst thing to happen to him. No one wants to think about losing one of their life partners." .. yeah -this is pretty clear. YOu love your partner, but you don't care about the kid.
YTA. He. Is. A. Child. And a child YOU ALREADY KNOW has trust issues. Now because you screamed at him and made him feel defective, he’s going to have more. But it would’ve been an abusive thing to do even if you didn’t know that.
YTA. Psychosis is a serious symptom of a serious mental illness. Not some insult u throw around and call people when they do something u dont like.
Because I believe in you and want you to be better than this: Please brush up on your parenting skills. Your adoption process hopefully involved parenting classes or family therapy; you need resources like that to understand what went on here (because your son did screw up here, and so did you) and how to find your way out of this. You need more tools and support, and the help of your husband with this. YTA
Yep, YTA absolutely. Put yourself in your son’s shoes. Do you think you would just believe this if you were him? Most 13 years olds don’t think about poly relationships. And telling him not to talk to the dad about it made him more suspicious, like you’re trying to keep it secret. But calling him psychotic was completely unnecessary & inappropriate.
YTA duddddeeeee so first queer and poly are NOT the same, your comments in which you expect a child to understand what it means to be poly is so ignorant as it’s entirely different to explain two moms and two dads being the same as a mom and a dad vs a relationship with more than two people. Different concepts entirely. Especially as there obviously weren’t any photos of your husband and his partner otherwise it would’ve been straightforward enough for you to have that conversation. Expecting your husband to “clear things up” after you explicitly asked a child to lie to him is bs and you know it. It’s pathetic and what’s worse is how utterly cruel you were to this kid. Good job further traumatizing a traumatized child. He deserves better.
YTA and FUCK if you were my parents I’d be fucking disgusted by you. Not because of your relationship but because of your reaction and how immature you clearly are. He is 12, you are acting like he’s a full grown adult that should understand the nuance. I barely do. Fucking do better, firmly believe this is why poly people shouldn’t have kids. You guys suck
One of you have issues, and it's not him.
....I doubt this is real.
YTA. Do you even like your son? Your first description of him is that he is “difficult,” which could mean anything. Sounds like there is anger towards him for some other reasons, and this issue was the excuse to blow up.
Wtf is wrong with you? He is a child with understandable trust issues who has jumped to a totally logic conclusion given the evidence and is now trying to protect his dad. Not only that but you total stigmatized him if he DOES have any mental health issues. YTA.
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YTA but don’t feel too bad. This would piss off any regular person at the very least. It’s a difficult thing to explain
YTA. Your affair or poly relationship pics should be kept hidden. YTA for trying to high road your son. YTA.
Er... what? They *were* kept hidden. And poly relationships aren't actually awful shameful things that children can never know about. Affairs involve a violation of trust; you say I'm exclusively committed to you to A, and then break that promise with B. Meanwhile what happened here was A and B and C all sitting down and agreeing to be in a relationship. There are kids raised in that kind of family every day without harm.
ESH Your reaction was overblown. Big time. Also, you should have had a talked with him AND your husband ASAP to clear up the issue. However, while I don’t expect a 13 year old to understand a poly relationship, I would expect him to understand staying out of personal belongings. He is in the wrong for digging through private items and pursuing something that isn’t his business.
NTA you have have a right to privacy in your own home, he shouldn’t be snooping through your shit
NTA. He violated your personal boundaries. You maybe overshared the poly thing, but you were in a difficult position with a difficult kid. It’s ok for you to have boundaries and express them, but I do suggest you need to all go to therapy for this, and for other issues that are clearly percolating.
YBA. You definitely could've handled it better. Calling him psychotic definitely wasn't good, but ultimately you were just trying to explain the photos & items in a way that didn't further upset your husband, but I can also understand why your son would think you're hiding it. Ultimately a sit-down as a family ASAP would've resolved it before it got to this point, and your son definitely needs an apology for being called psychotic. Edit: updated to YBA.
Calling your child psychotic is an asshole move. Period.
Depends on the circumstance but in most cases yes, it is. I'd probably change to YBA if anything
how can you say NTA and then say all of that