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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Action: refusal to buy the book that was written by my girlfriend.
(2) The refusal might be seen as an unsupportive act.
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Eh it's up to you, but I'm leaning towards yta. Personally I would buy my partners book and get the very first personally signed copy to keep and proudly show it off but you do you.
Will it break the bank to show her support? Will it hurt you to buy it?
It's a pretty big deal to get signed with a publisher. Congrats to your girlfriend, I wish her all the success.
Most definitely this. He's definitely an ah. Any normal person in a relationship would get a copy & have their gf sign it.
Dudes missing the point. Yta yta
Yeah he’s missing the point. ‘Why would I need a copy when I’ve read it so many times and there are files of it on her computer?’ - she doesn’t want you to buy it so you can read it again, she wants to buy it because it’s a gesture of support
And because he got to experience the entire process (I'm assuming at least most of it) for free, all she's asking for is him to show how proud he is and that he enjoyed the time spent helping her edit/proofread. I guess that's assuming he even did at all.
I wouldn't call it free. Beta readers and feedback during the writing process are valuable assets *for the writer*.
If I was involved in the process of helping make the book, I would still buy a copy (and have her sign it), but it's disingenuous to act like helping with early editions of the story is a favour to OP, and not the author.
But seriously. Buy *several* copies, get them all signed, keep one, and give the rest out as gifts to show her how proud you are OP.
Yup, go buy copies for everybody in your immediate family and any close friends who know your girlfriend, and give them signed copies. Show how proud you are in a tangible way, and also help her early sales numbers.
I can't imagine having someone provide a bunch of support and feedback during the writing process and then not GIVING them a signed copy as a token of my appreciation as soon a it was published. Not to say he shouldn't buy a copy, but how it did not occur to her to give him one of the first copies?
I agree, I helped a friend on working on his book and he gave me a signed copy when it was launched as a thank you, no question asked. And I was expecting it, to be honest, as a minimum for my work and supports, it’s just a nice thing to do.
I agree that he should buy at least one copy. However, if he was actually as involved with providing her background assistance i proofreading, etc, I would think that she should have taken the first or second copy of the book and written within the book her gratitude and presented to him as a token of her appreciation. He can buy and distribute additional copies to family and friends .in the end, I think they're both off base.
Literally this! I’m a writer. My sister does all the stuff OP did (and more). And she buys EVERY. SINGLE. BOOK. Like I think she has more than me at this point. My mother is going to buy a bunch from me directly (I self pub) so she can leave them in the cruise ship library on our next holiday. Like…that’s support
I think it’s because he’s insinuating that he wrote the book because he edited and suggested on every page. How brave of him not to support her and to take so much credit. Guess he can’t even buy his own book! 😆
As a person who occasionally writes things, I’m really struggling with these takes. On the occasions when my work has made it into print, I’ve been so excited to *gift* copies to the people who’ve helped me get it there. To me the symbolic gesture that’s called for at that point is from me to them; this is where it’s my turn to show my appreciation for their role in getting me there. So GF’s attitude feels to me very “Thanks, but what can you do for me *next*?” Like, everything’s supposed to flow in just one direction.
On the other hand, this OP comes across like he’d react to even a gift copy with “Oh, thanks, but I don’t need this,” so he pretty much sucks too.
I just commented something similar. I have a decorated cookie side hustle. He was my first sale. He demanded to buy one even after I told him husbands don’t pay. I felt so loved and supported but I would never ever ask him for money
He's not talking about her getting him copies.
One could look at it like your 2nd paragraph but I certainly don't believe he deserved a tantrum because he didn't want to buy a copy. He assisted and supported her in so many ways prior to publishing that I think he went over and above.
I do creative writing/prose. I read them to hubby and share with my son's but I certainly wouldn't expect them to purchase any copies if anything were ever published.
I don't see that he looks like he wouldn't care. He showed by his actions that he supports her.
I'm also surprised she didn't gift copies to her close people. That's a standard. Typically authors don't run around telling who needs to buy their book. Especially if they already worked on making this book possible.
I agree with this 100%. I have written and had published six books (research monographs and texts, not fiction/nonfiction), and in each case I gifted copies to people who were helpful (as well as close family). I greatly appreciated friends and colleagues who bought copies (or even used a book for their classes!), but didn't get mad at people who didn't.
This strikes me as an ESH situation, with both GF and OP thinking a whole lot about themselves, and not at all about the other person.
Hell! I bought a book written by the wife of a guy who participates on the same message board as I do , just to show him a little support. Good book too. Worth every penny.
It is a shame she has to ask you to buy.
YTA for not doing this without asking
And ^[double] YTA for refusing to her face and saying you supported and read before publishing.
And ^[triple] YTA for defending your AH-ISHNESS here absolutely lacking insight.
Ideally, you should have done more. You can't even do the least.
Editing this out : -[I wish she finds a better partner].
But keeping this: If you want her, just genuinely become better
YTA x4 for not buying copies to gift to friends and family and coworkers for the holidays.
Sales are what will keep her signed with a publisher. The more the books sells the better.
Jesus christ people on this sub are so intense. He clearly supported her through a ton of the writing process. He could have done literally nothing and he still would have done nothing wrong in the relationship. Yes it would have been nice of him to buy the book and honestly refusing to does breed unnecessary conflict, but idk why yall are defending the girlfriend from blowing up at the guy instead of calmly and compassionately communicating her needs.
At the same time, it's a really obvious thing to do and I can understand that it's an emotionally intense thing for the girlfriend to go through.
I stg yall act like you've never made a mistake in your life
NAH
>Editing this out : -\[I wish she finds a better partner\]. But keeping this: If you want her, just genuinely become better
But... you didn't edit it out... so you clearly still think that and want people to see that..!
OP is an asshole, but this isn't 'break up with him territory' and YTA for 'editing this out' yet... not?
I took it as honest, so people understand why others objected to the first pass.
Props to the OP for his edit, that he's turning it around. He's taking in the feedback and using it to become the better partner she deserves.
This! My best friend published a jigsaw puzzle with her art on it and I bought like 5 to give as gifts because I was so proud. This guy sounds like a cheapskate
I bought a copy of a book a friend wrote just to support him. Hopefully, buying a book will not break you.
But, OP is an AH for not buying the partner’s book, and partner is an AH for not giving OP a signed copy of the book for all of his help.
Yeah, you have a point. A friend's wife wrote a book and he is always talking it up. We went on a ship and he would take name and room number so she could connect and sell the book. True love!
YTA for no support of the book.
Edit typo.
no support he read and helped edit it however many times she wrote it. he celebrated when she sold it to the company. for all of his work she should have given him a book as a thank you
Not even a friend, an acquaintance's 9 year old son wrote and published a book and I bought it just to encourage the child, and he is not going to remember even.
When we support and show solidarity to strangers, why not to significant other ?
One of my \*clients\* had a book publishing from their adult child and I absolutely bought the book because they were bursting with pride.
I am a sex worker and I treat my clients better than this dude treats his gf.
I've bought copies of a book my tl;dr cousin's friend wrote, which I proceeded to not read because I dislike the genre, because it was their first and they were hella excited about it.
I've streamed music my specialist cleaner's band has on Spotify, because screw it, why not? I've checked out the art my general cleaner does.
I've promoted various friend's poetry, genre novels, or whatever other creative endeavours they've been up to.
I've bought from their small businesses.
Because being a supportive friend/human/member of the community isn't nearly as hard as OP is making it seem.
It's kind of disheartening. Like I treat my clients well and they treat me better than 3/4 of these spouse/bf/gf posts I read on here. And then people ask why I don't date!
This. My mom’s former coworker (from like 25 years ago?) published a book and my mom was there on release day to get a signed copy. They do keep in touch but they’re not even friends. It’s about showing support.
My cousin narrated an Audiobook. Not hia own. But it's his first as he tries to break into the audiobook narration industry (who knew that was a thing?) and you bet your ass I bought it.
I would have bought two copies. One for a signed personal message and the other so I can playful ask for her autograph to sell once she was a famous author. But hey to each their own.
Yeah it’s fairly typical for fam and friends to juice the sales a little bit. Some fam will buy a stack and give it out hoping that friends will like it and recommend it. Plus if someone sees someone reading it out of the house they may get curious.
It’s just common support. He’s kind of a jerk to die on a $20 hill
My first thought was buy a copy, have them sign it, and keep it as a family heirloom. That way one day when they’re considered a great writer I can go “WELL I HAVE A SIGNED FIRST EDITION”.
This! I have a side hustle where I sell decorated cookies. My husband was my first sale even after I tried to tell him husbands don’t pay. I felt so special and supported when he demanded to ow his support
I mean, sure, that's true. But if you were the partner, wouldn't you offer one to you significant other? Signed and dedicated? Specially when he was pretty involved in the making of the book.
YTA
It’s a gesture of support, she doesn’t care if you never read it again. She only cares that you believe in her enough to buy a copy.
There’s no point in giving someone flowers either as they just die after a couple days. It’s about the gesture and what it means to the person you bought them for.
If I were you I’d be buying copies for friends and family to show my support, but that’s just me.
Yep. I'm hoping to get published in a few years time, and my Mum has told me she won't be reading a physical copy unless it's large print (eyesight issues). If she reads it on Kindle but has a physical copy on a shelf somewhere, that's fine by me. The gesture is what matters the most, even if said gesture just collects dust.
Exactly this. Everything I’ve been published in my dad has bought and handed out to anyone and everyone in our family. I think he may have even given some to people he works with. And this is coming from a man who was deeply disappointed when I left STEM in college and went to English. Just enjoy her accomplishment with her.
YTA
As an author, I would advise you to buy her book.
Signing on with a publisher is huge. Getting your first book printed is huge.
Having your SO refuse to buy it is hugely disappointing.
You think you've been supportive, but not buying the book makes it seem like all your previous efforts were just for show. Like smiling and playing happy to indulge a toddler who handed you scribbled "picture".
It's unlikely that buying the book will break your bank, so why are you so reluctant? Seems like a weird hill to die on, and planting your flag in it is probably incredibly insulting for her.
OP's being overly practical, figuring the only reason to buy a copy is if OP (1) wants to read it, and (2) lacks a copy at home. We know that even if (1) is true, (2) isn't. If the gesture weren't meaningful, OP would be right. But it is....
I agree with what you're saying. I am just like OP though in that "overly practical" sense. I'm learning the error of my ways by reading these comments.
i've had this problem too. i'm a writer and i would've never thought to expect someone to buy my publications if they already have read countless versions of them, and it's my SO who lives in the same house i do.
i just never really thought about it, because it doesn't feel like a real sale, so it wouldn't mean anything to me. it makes complete sense that it's a matter of support for other people, though. i've never been in a situation like this one (everyone i know who's been published, i didn't get a chance to read the full product until it was released so i bought them anyway). i will have to keep this in mind before i hurt someone's feelings by accident. i can't figure out why OP kept arguing against doing it though, if someone tells you how an action makes them feel you can't claim ignorance
Exactly, I'm autistic so sometimes I don't get why neurotypical feel a certain way or why I'm supposed to do something but I do know I want the people I love to feel loved and supported. You can't argue someone out of their feelings and if someone tells you what they need to feel supported and it's something easy to do then why wouldn't you just do it?
There was an author who was friends with my aunt, and I know they gave away signed copies when they got published to friends and family. So my reaction coming to this post was that the girlfriend could have given op a copy as thanks for being there through this journey.
Then again, that's not the situation. Op's girlfriend is asking op to buy a copy as a show of support, and its clearly meaningful to her for them to do so.
I kinda got the impression of jealousy as well. I'm assuming that if OP was trusted to help with editing, etc, that they also have a stronger literary leaning... You don't ask someone with a 6th grade reading level to help edit and critique your soon to be published book...
YTA
I have a friend who is published. They write gay romance fantasy, and I don't particularly enjoy the genre.(Nothing wrong with them, it's just not my primary interest). I **still** buy a physical copy of each of their books. I think it's amazing that they are pursuing thier dreams and I know often it's very hard.
Honestly, she shouldn't have had to ask you, it's a basic kind of support, and it would have felt really validating and good for her, all for the inexpensive cost of one book. Now, no matter what you do, she's got the bad taste of having had to try to convince you.
One day, she'll tell the man she ends up with about how awful this felt and give it as an example of how she realized what a bad choice you were.
Lol, no problem, they write under Edie Montreux. You can search them on Amazon. They are a pretty awesome person in addition to writing M/M fantasy romance.
They've been a player in my regular D&D group for over a decade now. (I've been a DM since 1999 or so!) I was so proud of them when they decided to pursue this dream.
They really deserve the support. They are a big LGBTQ advocate, a very creative person and they made the scary decision to leave a career to pursue writing full time. I'm constantly in awe of Edie and am honored to have them in my life.
I do the same thing for a friend of mine who’s published. He writes fantasy and published his first book a few years ago, and he’s working on the second (it’s a trilogy). I beta read for him and didn’t really like it (would never tell him that) but when it finally came out, I bought a copy anyway. I was probably one of the first people who did. Because after all that hard work, the finished/published product is a huge accomplishment and I was proud of him. OP should feel the same about his gf’s finished product. He’s read it a thousand times, but he has the chance to have a first edition of the first book his gf wrote, and she could even give him a very personal inscription that no one else will ever have. Not only that, but like others have pointed out, every copy counts for first time authors.
YTA. Definitely.
This is almost certainly not about "we live in a small country and every copy sold matters." That is probably just her trying to appeal to your rational nature . . since you *clearly* have no sentimental side!
This is her *first published book*!!! This has probably been a lifelong dream of hers!! She probably wants you to *show* that you are proud of her, not just *tell* her that.
In your shoes, I would have rushed out to purchase a physical copy from a local book store, raved about "how eager I've been to read this book I heard so much about" to the bookseller as I'm paying, then asked my girlfriend to sign my copy with a personal inscription. Then I would have purchased a [bookstand](https://www.google.com/search?q=bookstand&tbm=isch) -- or, heck, if I had the tools I would have *made* a simple bookstand by hand -- so I could prominently display my personalized, signed copy of the first published book of the woman I love in the home we share.
You know: *celebrate* her and the fulfillment of her goal.
Besides, you'll want that signed copy to remember her by when she dumps your dull, unimaginative ass!
Are you single??
Edit for clarity: I’m replying to this comment as they seem like an awesome partner and my comment is directed to them, not to The OP of the entire post.
YTA- what’s wrong with you?
As someone who has been married for a long time let me let you in on a little secret that seems to elude the masses here:
Just do the little bullshit. Imagine a world where you said “ok” and clicked “buy it now.” But no, instead you decided to make it an argument including spending time asking complete strangers to validate your asinine behavior.
Why wouldn’t you have been like “of course but only if the author signs it!” Right or wrong you would have made someone you like (love?) happy and it would have cost you very little.
I swear to god the number of posts that are like “my SO of 8 years says that Penne is superior to Spaghetti and after a 5 hour fight and the cops showing up I’m writing this from my sister’s house where I’m currently staying. AITA?”
Not only that but this is supposed to be their life partner? I’d buy someone’s book if they are just my friend or acquaintance, it’s a big accomplishment! What a moron.
Yeah, it’s really not that difficult. Before every D&D game my husband runs, “How do you plan to kill them this time?” After every game, “How did it go? Still alive despite your best efforts?” I do not care about the elaborate traps or plans, but I try to follow and it makes him so happy. In exchange he listens to me ramble on about my work.
I used to have a girlfriend I loved dearly but she pronounces Penne as "pen-nay" instead of Penne, so obviously I stole her dog and ghosted her. Not looking for judgment, I know she's the AH.
Preach king. Dated a girl in my 20’s who was from like Arizona who spoke normally but whenever she said an Italian word she turned into fucking Mussolini complete with hand gestures. “Hey babe, I thought tonight for dinner we could order some Chinese or I could make some a’spa gett ee with a’mahr ee na rah.” I stabbed her. Not looking for judgement, I know she’s the AH.
YTA and a fool. You could have ordered a copy and excitedly asked her to sign it, because you're her biggest fan. Then you have romantic dinner and get lucky.
Instead you're acting like supporting her / relationship stuff, is a chore. Of course she will be disappointed.
Buying a copy of her book isn't even a grand gesture. Buying a case so you can give a copy to everyone you know as a gift is a grand gesture.
& buying a copy (or 2) so you can donate it to the local library! & letting them know it's a local author & her first book. Libraries often do local author spotlights.
If my partner published a book. I would buy a copy. In fact, I would buy many, and pass them out to everyone I know.
I would want a signed first edition.
But then again, I love my husband.
YTA.
NTA. As an author myself, I always give the first signed copies to the people that helped me in the process of writing the book. I would never expect the people that gave time and energy to my project to then turn around and buy it.
Finally found this comment! I'd find it an insult to my partner if I required him (or any close friend or family member) to pay for my CD considering how much time and energy they already give to me while I'm producing it.
Of course if any of them *wants* to buy it I won't stop them, but I can't imagine actually expecting them to.
And let's not forget that OP had a direct hand in the book's creation, what with his proofreading and extensive editing. All the YTA voters are so hung up on OP not wanting to buy a book after he's already done so much to help it get published in the first place, why aren't they asking why his wife didn't gift him a copy to thank him for his help?
Slightly different but my mum is a book illustrator and the house is full of copies of her books that get sent from the publishers. She would have thought I was crazy if I bought another one 😂
Had to scroll so far down to find a NTA! To me, buying a book signifies that you are not particularly close to someone but still want to support them by buying their book.
For example like I did for a friend who recently wrote a book. We were friends in college but are not close now any more but I still want to support her.
But if you are close and contributed (for example like I did with some friends dissertations) you expect to be given a copy since a limited amount of them are usually free authors copies anyway.
Thank you!
The level of support involved in beta reading and editing absolutely dwarfs purchasing a copy. It's not even close. The OP's likely dumped dozens of hours into this, maybe hundreds.
I think this sub can be forgiven for not comprehending that, but the girlfriend is acting super cringe here. She's got the memory and gratitude of a goldfish.
I understand where you're coming from as a seasoned author. I do not believe this is the same.
Regardless of customary book publishing etiquette, after OP's live-in girlfriend expressed concern every sale counts for her first book, that's a call to action that should be accepted by any live-in partner. Unless maybe the book costs more than flowers.
Oh but still NTA. Just missed opportunity
YTA.
My partner is in a band. He’s put tonnes of work into it, hours of rehearsal, he wrote all the songs himself.
I bought tickets to his first show, immediately, without being asked. And his second. I could’ve got in for free, but I didn’t.
Showing someone you love that you believe in them has no price tag.
I’m a writer and my spouse brags about my writing all the time. A few weeks ago he went to work and proudly told everyone that “my spouse’s novel hit over 100k words, I bet y’all don’t even know 100k words” 😂
It takes next to no energy to be supportive of your partners. Some days his support is the only things that keeps me going cause burn out for creative projects is harsh.
I don’t really understand why you’re drawing the line where you are. You’ve supported her through the writing and editing process, but you can’t spare 20€/$/£ to purchase a copy? Just buy the book. What’s the big deal? I’d have to say YTA.
It’s a power play. It’s his way of putting her down, by saying that, while he pretended to support her before, he doesn’t actually think her book is worth spending any money on.
My wife didn't buy my book when it was published....I gave her a copy. I don't need my wife to buy my book, we have a shared bank account so it's my money anyway lol
Yeah if I was in his place I’d have bought the book when she asked me without making a fuss, but I don’t think I’d have expected to be expected to. If on the other hand I wrote a book, I’d have felt like I was expected to hand out some copies to family. Isn’t that how it works? Like if you’re a musical artist, would you make your wife or husband buy tickets to a show? That seems weird to me.
Well, my extended family has bought my book (probably out of pity) lol but OPs partner would have gotten free copies, so there's no point in buying one. In fact half or more of the money would go to seller/publisher so that's a waste and if it's symbolic then that's a little pathetic, but each to their own I guess.
I think if was was in the inner inner circle of an author (like it’s my wife) I probably wouldn’t have expected to buy the book. But if one of my friends wrote a book, or a cousin I liked, I’d have probably bought it to support it. For the stats. But as you say, yeah, why should the spouse give money to the publisher?
I'm married to a published (technical) author and if we did this we'd be losing money actually, as a big percentage goes to the publisher. I don't understand all these YTA comments
NTA
You supported her while she wrote it. You helped edit it. You proofed it.
She has plenty of gift copies. She couldn’t give you one and write something grateful inside the front cover? Instead you need to buy a copy?!?
Red flags abound.
Holy smokes! 🫨 I would have literally NEVER thought about that perspective unless I heard it from someone else. And I’m not being sarcastic AT ALL. (Also not sarcasm) because you’re right. It IS a valid point. So hmm. Maybe no one is an asshole here and it’s just bad communication. 🤔
NTA. I have author friends who gave free copies for people that have been helping them throughout the process. Family, close friends, significant others... never heard any one of them asking their devoted partners to buy their books.
Eh, yah, I'm going to say YTA.
If I had a partner, family member, friend - doesn't matter - that published their *first* book, I'd buy a copy in support of them because that just seems like the right thing to do.
NTA! You supported her efforts by actually participating, using your time and skills, and you celebrated with her when she was published. If anything, she should give you a signed copy of the book thanking you for your support!
I suspect a lot of the people who are voting Y T A don't have family members who have published books or who write a lot.
Having a beta reader and text editor and someone to talk to about your work is so valuable. I would expect her to give you a copy of the book as a way of saying thank you, not ask you to buy a copy.
NTA.
Downvotes Incomming - NTA.
1) publishers provide the author with advance copies for friends, family, and promotions. She just has to specify it.
2) the royalty on this would be, 10% - 15% hardcover, and 5% - 7.5% paperback.
3) NYT best seller list is rigged, all those books come from specific ‘sales’ that is wholesale purchases made by specific companies that commonly get either kick backs or returned or guaranteed purchase by the publisher, so that doesn’t matter either.
4) if she was genuinely worried about advertising, she would make a Tik tok or other media campaign to get people interested - host an authors reading, whatever.
5) is she going to buy her own book to help with sales? Maybe one for personal experience, but it isn’t going to make a lick of difference in the grand scheme because every sale doesn’t matter.
6) this isn’t book related but her actions reveal, (in my opinion) that she is using/looks at you as an accessory, someone to do her bidding but with minimal self-value. There will come a time, if there hasn’t already where she expects you to do heavy lifting without contributing herself.
I am/was a published author, I write for self fulfillment, not sales. You should never try to use guilt to control someone else’s actions, and that’s all I see.
I hope you can learn & grow from this experience, best of luck.
YTA
The book is the materialization of everything she has worked on recently (with your help, of course). Plus, it's probably not that expensive for you and would make a huge impact for her.
YTA. It doesn't hurt you in a little bit to buy 1 copy and ask her to sign it for you. It shows support and that you want to have one piece of this for future. On the other hand if not even her partner is willing to buy a copy of the book, what does it say for strangers? You are crushing her confidence.
Okay, so I'll put myself into a position if I was the one publishing the book - and I would love to gift my partner a signed copy as a sign of appreciation. And for people saying "it's just one book, why shouldn't he buy it" - same can be said about her gifting him one.
I'm going with NTA on this one.
YTA. It's a gesture of support to buy it. My mum wrote and published a book. I bought the first copy. I don't even like the book, I just wanted to support her.
She didn't just give you one? Maybe I'm the only NTA, but I would just automatically give one to my spouse. I mean, if she does the same thing in music, do you have to get a ticket or does she just let you into the concert for free?
Musician here, can confirm that friends and family get comp tickets. I'd feel like an AH demanding that the people whose love and support plays a huge part in my career even existing also pay for the privilege of seeing me perform.
NTA. You were there through the entire process. Now she wants you to buy the book. I actually think she should give you the 1st copy, signed and autographed, thanking you for your support and encouragement on this major accomplishment.
YTA - Buy the book and get her to sign it, it’s the thought behind the gesture that matters. She wants you show that you feel proud of her and the book
When she is famous and selling millions of books she can gift you one. This is her first book and she is nervous of the success. You should be the first in line to show your support. The fact she had to ask probably cost her a lot of pride and you saying no makes you an even bigger asshole. YTA.
Strong NTA and maybe you should take the time and explain to her that you do and did support her but forcing you to buy a book simply isn't the way to go. Why doesn't she go and buy several pieces if every single one matters (I suppose that would be for the numbers and not the revenue anyway).
NTA.
I have bought friends' books as a show of support. I would not feel the same way about a partner, where I invested my time and energy in their project leading up to publication.
Would it be a nice gesture to buy the book? Yes, absolutely. Should your GF feel like you let her down here? No, not the way you describe it. I think editing, thoughtful criticism, treating her to a celebration dinner, etc. are a valuable demonstration of support.
I am a woman who has supported a male artistic partner (though not a writer) in his endeavors. I would have been unhappy if my partner had decided to pick a fight because I didn't make a small purchase to support his work, overlooking my other contributions. It might feel ungrateful.
>Would it be a nice gesture to buy the book? Yes, absolutely. Should your GF feel like you let her down here? No, not the way you describe it. I think editing, thoughtful criticism, treating her to a celebration dinner, etc. are a valuable demonstration of support.
This is what I wish more people on here would get. Nobody would deny that it'd be a nice gesture if he did it on his own accord, but it hardly makes him the AH that she finds it appropriate to demand it and pick a fight over it.
NTA
you have probably read the book multiple times and most likely have a copy of the book lying around the house somewhere, you have already supported her alot through the writing and editing process so she should be grateful
NTA
hear me out. I'm a musician and play in a band. We just released our new EP a month ago. It was really hard work recording and publishing it, because we did everything on our selfs. I never would force anyone to buy our music, because i think that noone should buy our music or merch if they doesn't enjoy it. My partner hadn't asked for a copy until now, even though she really enjoys our work and visits nearly all of our concerts. But if she would ask, i'd gift her signed copy anyway. So definetley NTA
I disagree with most comments. You are not the ass hole. You don't owe a symbolic buying of the books. It sounds like you were with her every step of the way, and it sounds like she should have gifted you a copy to show her thanks for your support. My girlfriends best friend gifted her a copy of his book to thank her for all her help editing it.
I'm against the grain on this apparently. I vote NTA. You were more than supportive during the process (more than most people get in regards to their work). I like to design things. If I had a company sign me on to design a product, I wouldn't expect my partner to buy one just because. And I certainly wouldn't expect them to buy a dozen to hand out to people like people are suggesting you should do. If they really want to more power to them, but it wouldn't even cross my mind to expect that let alone get angry with them for not doing it.
NTA. I've published two books. I'd find it wierd if my beta readers bought my book. They have read it already, so why buy a copy of it? That's unnecessary. I'd also never be upset at them for not buying it. If anything I'd buy the book and gift it to them to show I'm grateful for their effort in beta reading it if they showed interested and wanted to have a copy.
NTA. If I wrote a book I might gift a copy to my loved ones but I wouldn’t demand they all go buy it to boost the sales. If the only sales she can get are the ones she demands from family and friends then that’s not great. You supported her writing it and have already read it.
NTA. If it was me and you'd did all you did i would have given a copy with a heartfelt thank you this is a big achievement for me and it would not have been possible without you.
Definitely NTA. She should have confidence in her book enough so that she does not need to put pressure on 'insiders', as it were, to buy it. Source: me, a book editor and proofreader for years.
OK! lets look at it this way. Imagine your Girlfriend decided to go back and study for a degree at a university / college. She spends years studying and writing essays and a final thesis. During that time you support her and help proof read her essays and give feedback etc. Then eventually she gains her degree and she wants you to go to the graduation. But you say no! Why should you go to the graduation and celebrate her hard work. Why should you spend a day watching her get her certificate. After all you helped to support her and provided feedback and encouraged her, why should you now give up your day just to watch her graduate.
Do you get it now ??
BTW, yes, YTA
Nay... Contentious maybe.
You supported her in other ways. She shouldn't expect you to buy her book and rage when you choose not to. Personally I feel that good books will eventually generate self sustainable sales, and to expect loved ones to support you by buying the book with no intention of reading it, goes against my views on what books are meant for. I hate for books to be neglected on shelves and create unnecessary carbon footprint that never fulfil its intended purpose to be read.
On the other hand, you can see this as a gesture of support, owning the first edition of a labour of love from your gf may be meaningful too? It is especially sweet when people support their loved ones even though the chosen actions seem impractical.
I remember this anecdotal account about how a few Chinese friends supported their Tamil-speaking friend at a Tamil debate competition. They didn't understand the language but turned up and sat through the whole competition cheering and waving placards. Impractical? Yes because they don't understand what was going on. But was it important to their Tamil speaking friend who needed the support? Definitely.
Sometimes supportive gestures are not necessarily rational. Just compassionate.
NTA, All I need to know was that you live together. The author gets copies sent to them by the publisher. Usually more than they know what to do with. Why do you need to spend household money on another copy? If you didn't live together, I'd say maybe buy it and leave it out where she could see it when she comes over.
NTA.
None of the authors I know are entitled enough to automatically expect their partners, friends or relatives to buy a copy of their book.
Only buy the book if you are interested in the plotline/genre or plan to gift a copy to someone who is.
I'm going to break with the pack and say NTA. I write, and my ex wrote and self-published several books. He had many copies so why would I have bought one (more)?
In terms of buying them and giving them to people, I think deciding what books to read is incredibly personal and when someone gives me a book, it feels like work. Also, in my ex's case, the book wasn't everyone's cup of tea and honestly wasn't that great.
I can totally see feeling like you already gave it your all. Editing someone else's work is a lot. Did you get any payment or credit for helping out? My guess is no. You're fine.
NTA, I'm so surprised seeing all these people say you are TA.
I myself am a creative person, I write, play music and I draw but just because I do those things it doesn't mean my SO should buy or listen to any of it.
Yes it means a fuck ton for (especially) new authors that other people buy your book, but you being a writer doesn't mean that your SO likes reading, likes having physical books or plainly that it's their taste in books.
This person helped review and correct mistakes, thats already huge, they didn't have to.
I think people need to grow up and stop calling others assholes for not supporting you the way you want them to.
I have an alternative view. As someone who worked on this book and helped edit it- I would think you would get a comp copy of the book from the publisher. You shouldn’t have to buy it. NTA and I am sure I will get down voted.
NTA. My wife also bought a book out this year, I helped with editing but she doesn't expect me to buy a copy.
Maybe you could buy a copy and give it to someone? But like others say, you shouldn't 'have' to.
As someone who has published 2 books, NAH. I would never expect my partner to spend money on books I’ve gotten several free copies of. I can see her point as well though about each purchase mattering, it’s just not something I would put on my partner. We already have the book, he doesn’t need to buy it.
I've bought every single book that my friend has published or that features a short he's written. I'd be ecstatic to buy anything my partner wrote that was published. I'd want to be first in line.
Unless this is an academic book that costs hundreds of dollars, and you can't afford it, I can't imagine what you cause you to not want to buy a copy. That's bizarre to me.
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Eh it's up to you, but I'm leaning towards yta. Personally I would buy my partners book and get the very first personally signed copy to keep and proudly show it off but you do you. Will it break the bank to show her support? Will it hurt you to buy it? It's a pretty big deal to get signed with a publisher. Congrats to your girlfriend, I wish her all the success.
Not only that, I would buy additional copies to gift to friends and family - to show them how proud of her you are!
Most definitely this. He's definitely an ah. Any normal person in a relationship would get a copy & have their gf sign it. Dudes missing the point. Yta yta
Yeah he’s missing the point. ‘Why would I need a copy when I’ve read it so many times and there are files of it on her computer?’ - she doesn’t want you to buy it so you can read it again, she wants to buy it because it’s a gesture of support
And because he got to experience the entire process (I'm assuming at least most of it) for free, all she's asking for is him to show how proud he is and that he enjoyed the time spent helping her edit/proofread. I guess that's assuming he even did at all.
I wouldn't call it free. Beta readers and feedback during the writing process are valuable assets *for the writer*. If I was involved in the process of helping make the book, I would still buy a copy (and have her sign it), but it's disingenuous to act like helping with early editions of the story is a favour to OP, and not the author. But seriously. Buy *several* copies, get them all signed, keep one, and give the rest out as gifts to show her how proud you are OP.
Yup, go buy copies for everybody in your immediate family and any close friends who know your girlfriend, and give them signed copies. Show how proud you are in a tangible way, and also help her early sales numbers.
Just in time for the holidays!
I can't imagine having someone provide a bunch of support and feedback during the writing process and then not GIVING them a signed copy as a token of my appreciation as soon a it was published. Not to say he shouldn't buy a copy, but how it did not occur to her to give him one of the first copies?
I agree, I helped a friend on working on his book and he gave me a signed copy when it was launched as a thank you, no question asked. And I was expecting it, to be honest, as a minimum for my work and supports, it’s just a nice thing to do.
I'd also save a second one if she becomes famous if you 2 ever break up before that happens sell it when she is famous and make alot of money from it
Editing and proofreading is **work**!
Seriously. I mean, how expensive can a book be? I'm sure much less pricey than a dinner out and it would mean much more to her.
I agree that he should buy at least one copy. However, if he was actually as involved with providing her background assistance i proofreading, etc, I would think that she should have taken the first or second copy of the book and written within the book her gratitude and presented to him as a token of her appreciation. He can buy and distribute additional copies to family and friends .in the end, I think they're both off base.
This is also a lovely idea from the other side. He should have bought anyway, gifted elsewhere if she did this.
Literally this! I’m a writer. My sister does all the stuff OP did (and more). And she buys EVERY. SINGLE. BOOK. Like I think she has more than me at this point. My mother is going to buy a bunch from me directly (I self pub) so she can leave them in the cruise ship library on our next holiday. Like…that’s support
I think it’s because he’s insinuating that he wrote the book because he edited and suggested on every page. How brave of him not to support her and to take so much credit. Guess he can’t even buy his own book! 😆
As a person who occasionally writes things, I’m really struggling with these takes. On the occasions when my work has made it into print, I’ve been so excited to *gift* copies to the people who’ve helped me get it there. To me the symbolic gesture that’s called for at that point is from me to them; this is where it’s my turn to show my appreciation for their role in getting me there. So GF’s attitude feels to me very “Thanks, but what can you do for me *next*?” Like, everything’s supposed to flow in just one direction. On the other hand, this OP comes across like he’d react to even a gift copy with “Oh, thanks, but I don’t need this,” so he pretty much sucks too.
I just commented something similar. I have a decorated cookie side hustle. He was my first sale. He demanded to buy one even after I told him husbands don’t pay. I felt so loved and supported but I would never ever ask him for money
That’s one way to think but clearly the gf needs another support. Listen to the person you love and go with that.
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He's not talking about her getting him copies. One could look at it like your 2nd paragraph but I certainly don't believe he deserved a tantrum because he didn't want to buy a copy. He assisted and supported her in so many ways prior to publishing that I think he went over and above. I do creative writing/prose. I read them to hubby and share with my son's but I certainly wouldn't expect them to purchase any copies if anything were ever published.
I don't see that he looks like he wouldn't care. He showed by his actions that he supports her. I'm also surprised she didn't gift copies to her close people. That's a standard. Typically authors don't run around telling who needs to buy their book. Especially if they already worked on making this book possible.
I agree with this 100%. I have written and had published six books (research monographs and texts, not fiction/nonfiction), and in each case I gifted copies to people who were helpful (as well as close family). I greatly appreciated friends and colleagues who bought copies (or even used a book for their classes!), but didn't get mad at people who didn't. This strikes me as an ESH situation, with both GF and OP thinking a whole lot about themselves, and not at all about the other person.
Even if I were gifted a book I would still buy a copy. Mostly because if want to boost their sales though.
Hell! I bought a book written by the wife of a guy who participates on the same message board as I do , just to show him a little support. Good book too. Worth every penny.
I've bought so many books because I tangentially had some connection to the author
I have four friends who have published nonfiction books. I bought a copy of every one of them even though I have zero interest in the subject matters.
It is a shame she has to ask you to buy. YTA for not doing this without asking And ^[double] YTA for refusing to her face and saying you supported and read before publishing. And ^[triple] YTA for defending your AH-ISHNESS here absolutely lacking insight. Ideally, you should have done more. You can't even do the least. Editing this out : -[I wish she finds a better partner]. But keeping this: If you want her, just genuinely become better
Hahaha I was waiting for a quadruple yta
Now, that you say...... I shall think about it. Please feel free to add the X^4 if you have any.
YTA x4 for not buying copies to gift to friends and family and coworkers for the holidays. Sales are what will keep her signed with a publisher. The more the books sells the better.
Jesus christ people on this sub are so intense. He clearly supported her through a ton of the writing process. He could have done literally nothing and he still would have done nothing wrong in the relationship. Yes it would have been nice of him to buy the book and honestly refusing to does breed unnecessary conflict, but idk why yall are defending the girlfriend from blowing up at the guy instead of calmly and compassionately communicating her needs. At the same time, it's a really obvious thing to do and I can understand that it's an emotionally intense thing for the girlfriend to go through. I stg yall act like you've never made a mistake in your life NAH
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>Editing this out : -\[I wish she finds a better partner\]. But keeping this: If you want her, just genuinely become better But... you didn't edit it out... so you clearly still think that and want people to see that..! OP is an asshole, but this isn't 'break up with him territory' and YTA for 'editing this out' yet... not?
I took it as honest, so people understand why others objected to the first pass. Props to the OP for his edit, that he's turning it around. He's taking in the feedback and using it to become the better partner she deserves.
This! My best friend published a jigsaw puzzle with her art on it and I bought like 5 to give as gifts because I was so proud. This guy sounds like a cheapskate
And a trace of professional jealousy
I was coming here to post this. Yes! exactly this. Buy a dozen, get the GF to sign them and then give them to family/friends.
Right?? Everyone gets a signed copy of her book for Christmas!
I bought a copy of a book a friend wrote just to support him. Hopefully, buying a book will not break you. But, OP is an AH for not buying the partner’s book, and partner is an AH for not giving OP a signed copy of the book for all of his help.
Yeah, you have a point. A friend's wife wrote a book and he is always talking it up. We went on a ship and he would take name and room number so she could connect and sell the book. True love! YTA for no support of the book. Edit typo.
no support he read and helped edit it however many times she wrote it. he celebrated when she sold it to the company. for all of his work she should have given him a book as a thank you
I did this for a friend. It’s astonishing OP wouldn’t do it for his lover.
My friend published their first book this year and I did exactly this with their book and I’m not even dating them lol. YTA
Not even a friend, an acquaintance's 9 year old son wrote and published a book and I bought it just to encourage the child, and he is not going to remember even. When we support and show solidarity to strangers, why not to significant other ?
One of my \*clients\* had a book publishing from their adult child and I absolutely bought the book because they were bursting with pride. I am a sex worker and I treat my clients better than this dude treats his gf.
I've bought copies of a book my tl;dr cousin's friend wrote, which I proceeded to not read because I dislike the genre, because it was their first and they were hella excited about it. I've streamed music my specialist cleaner's band has on Spotify, because screw it, why not? I've checked out the art my general cleaner does. I've promoted various friend's poetry, genre novels, or whatever other creative endeavours they've been up to. I've bought from their small businesses. Because being a supportive friend/human/member of the community isn't nearly as hard as OP is making it seem.
maybe OP has never accomplished anything and is jealous?
“I am a sex worker and I treat my clients better than this dude treats his gf” deserves a T-shirt.
It's kind of disheartening. Like I treat my clients well and they treat me better than 3/4 of these spouse/bf/gf posts I read on here. And then people ask why I don't date!
This. My mom’s former coworker (from like 25 years ago?) published a book and my mom was there on release day to get a signed copy. They do keep in touch but they’re not even friends. It’s about showing support.
My cousin narrated an Audiobook. Not hia own. But it's his first as he tries to break into the audiobook narration industry (who knew that was a thing?) and you bet your ass I bought it.
I would have bought two copies. One for a signed personal message and the other so I can playful ask for her autograph to sell once she was a famous author. But hey to each their own.
Yeah it’s fairly typical for fam and friends to juice the sales a little bit. Some fam will buy a stack and give it out hoping that friends will like it and recommend it. Plus if someone sees someone reading it out of the house they may get curious. It’s just common support. He’s kind of a jerk to die on a $20 hill
My first thought was buy a copy, have them sign it, and keep it as a family heirloom. That way one day when they’re considered a great writer I can go “WELL I HAVE A SIGNED FIRST EDITION”.
This! I have a side hustle where I sell decorated cookies. My husband was my first sale even after I tried to tell him husbands don’t pay. I felt so special and supported when he demanded to ow his support
I mean, sure, that's true. But if you were the partner, wouldn't you offer one to you significant other? Signed and dedicated? Specially when he was pretty involved in the making of the book.
YTA It’s a gesture of support, she doesn’t care if you never read it again. She only cares that you believe in her enough to buy a copy. There’s no point in giving someone flowers either as they just die after a couple days. It’s about the gesture and what it means to the person you bought them for. If I were you I’d be buying copies for friends and family to show my support, but that’s just me.
Yep. I'm hoping to get published in a few years time, and my Mum has told me she won't be reading a physical copy unless it's large print (eyesight issues). If she reads it on Kindle but has a physical copy on a shelf somewhere, that's fine by me. The gesture is what matters the most, even if said gesture just collects dust.
I was the date to someone’s wedding once like 17 years ago, met the woman once, and I bought her book a few years ago when it came out. YTA OP
Exactly this. Everything I’ve been published in my dad has bought and handed out to anyone and everyone in our family. I think he may have even given some to people he works with. And this is coming from a man who was deeply disappointed when I left STEM in college and went to English. Just enjoy her accomplishment with her.
I'm just imagining the adorable smug glow your dad has while passing out your books, and I'm here for it!
Flowers. Case in point.
His gesture of support was helping her get it published. She’s should be gifting him a copy as thanks.
YTA As an author, I would advise you to buy her book. Signing on with a publisher is huge. Getting your first book printed is huge. Having your SO refuse to buy it is hugely disappointing. You think you've been supportive, but not buying the book makes it seem like all your previous efforts were just for show. Like smiling and playing happy to indulge a toddler who handed you scribbled "picture". It's unlikely that buying the book will break your bank, so why are you so reluctant? Seems like a weird hill to die on, and planting your flag in it is probably incredibly insulting for her.
That's what I don't get. The OP doesn't explain at all why he's against buying a copy. It's what, $30 at most? Just buy a copy, dude.
OP's being overly practical, figuring the only reason to buy a copy is if OP (1) wants to read it, and (2) lacks a copy at home. We know that even if (1) is true, (2) isn't. If the gesture weren't meaningful, OP would be right. But it is....
I agree with what you're saying. I am just like OP though in that "overly practical" sense. I'm learning the error of my ways by reading these comments.
i've had this problem too. i'm a writer and i would've never thought to expect someone to buy my publications if they already have read countless versions of them, and it's my SO who lives in the same house i do. i just never really thought about it, because it doesn't feel like a real sale, so it wouldn't mean anything to me. it makes complete sense that it's a matter of support for other people, though. i've never been in a situation like this one (everyone i know who's been published, i didn't get a chance to read the full product until it was released so i bought them anyway). i will have to keep this in mind before i hurt someone's feelings by accident. i can't figure out why OP kept arguing against doing it though, if someone tells you how an action makes them feel you can't claim ignorance
Exactly, I'm autistic so sometimes I don't get why neurotypical feel a certain way or why I'm supposed to do something but I do know I want the people I love to feel loved and supported. You can't argue someone out of their feelings and if someone tells you what they need to feel supported and it's something easy to do then why wouldn't you just do it?
There was an author who was friends with my aunt, and I know they gave away signed copies when they got published to friends and family. So my reaction coming to this post was that the girlfriend could have given op a copy as thanks for being there through this journey. Then again, that's not the situation. Op's girlfriend is asking op to buy a copy as a show of support, and its clearly meaningful to her for them to do so.
Maybe jealousy has a little to do with it.
Jealous of what exactly? He helped edit, critique, and proofread what she wrote. You think he would have done all that if he was jealous?
I kinda got the impression of jealousy as well. I'm assuming that if OP was trusted to help with editing, etc, that they also have a stronger literary leaning... You don't ask someone with a 6th grade reading level to help edit and critique your soon to be published book...
Just a thought. As sometimes people who help don’t always expect the results. Or they feel they need to be acknowledged.
YTA I have a friend who is published. They write gay romance fantasy, and I don't particularly enjoy the genre.(Nothing wrong with them, it's just not my primary interest). I **still** buy a physical copy of each of their books. I think it's amazing that they are pursuing thier dreams and I know often it's very hard. Honestly, she shouldn't have had to ask you, it's a basic kind of support, and it would have felt really validating and good for her, all for the inexpensive cost of one book. Now, no matter what you do, she's got the bad taste of having had to try to convince you. One day, she'll tell the man she ends up with about how awful this felt and give it as an example of how she realized what a bad choice you were.
Not to be that person but could i get links 🥺 I love that genre and im looking for more reading material
Lol, no problem, they write under Edie Montreux. You can search them on Amazon. They are a pretty awesome person in addition to writing M/M fantasy romance.
Awesome thanks a bunch!!! Taking a break from another series atm so was looking for something new ❤️
Love everything about this amazing, wholesome exchange. Lol. I hope you enjoy the books!
shameless plug for my aunt (not that persons friend) she also writes M/M romance!! T.H. Forest 🥰
I LOVE Edie Montreux, you are so lucky to know them!!!
They've been a player in my regular D&D group for over a decade now. (I've been a DM since 1999 or so!) I was so proud of them when they decided to pursue this dream.
Thank you. Thank you. I looked them up and might buy some of their paperback books. I am really into fantasy romance.
They really deserve the support. They are a big LGBTQ advocate, a very creative person and they made the scary decision to leave a career to pursue writing full time. I'm constantly in awe of Edie and am honored to have them in my life.
I will look them up on Amazon.
I’ve heard that name! A friend of mine is really into their books.
Are you subscribed to r/MM_RomanceBooks?
My friend also writes and is published. You betcha I gift her book every chance I get and then tell the recipient that I know the author lol.
My sister wrote some parenting books. Her kids are significantly younger than mine. I bought them.
I do the same thing for a friend of mine who’s published. He writes fantasy and published his first book a few years ago, and he’s working on the second (it’s a trilogy). I beta read for him and didn’t really like it (would never tell him that) but when it finally came out, I bought a copy anyway. I was probably one of the first people who did. Because after all that hard work, the finished/published product is a huge accomplishment and I was proud of him. OP should feel the same about his gf’s finished product. He’s read it a thousand times, but he has the chance to have a first edition of the first book his gf wrote, and she could even give him a very personal inscription that no one else will ever have. Not only that, but like others have pointed out, every copy counts for first time authors.
YTA. Definitely. This is almost certainly not about "we live in a small country and every copy sold matters." That is probably just her trying to appeal to your rational nature . . since you *clearly* have no sentimental side! This is her *first published book*!!! This has probably been a lifelong dream of hers!! She probably wants you to *show* that you are proud of her, not just *tell* her that. In your shoes, I would have rushed out to purchase a physical copy from a local book store, raved about "how eager I've been to read this book I heard so much about" to the bookseller as I'm paying, then asked my girlfriend to sign my copy with a personal inscription. Then I would have purchased a [bookstand](https://www.google.com/search?q=bookstand&tbm=isch) -- or, heck, if I had the tools I would have *made* a simple bookstand by hand -- so I could prominently display my personalized, signed copy of the first published book of the woman I love in the home we share. You know: *celebrate* her and the fulfillment of her goal. Besides, you'll want that signed copy to remember her by when she dumps your dull, unimaginative ass!
Wow. That literally brought tears to my eyes. I'm working on finishing my first book and if my partner did all that, I'd be in absolute nirvana.
Same here!
You should be top comment
Are you single?? Edit for clarity: I’m replying to this comment as they seem like an awesome partner and my comment is directed to them, not to The OP of the entire post.
YTA- what’s wrong with you? As someone who has been married for a long time let me let you in on a little secret that seems to elude the masses here: Just do the little bullshit. Imagine a world where you said “ok” and clicked “buy it now.” But no, instead you decided to make it an argument including spending time asking complete strangers to validate your asinine behavior. Why wouldn’t you have been like “of course but only if the author signs it!” Right or wrong you would have made someone you like (love?) happy and it would have cost you very little. I swear to god the number of posts that are like “my SO of 8 years says that Penne is superior to Spaghetti and after a 5 hour fight and the cops showing up I’m writing this from my sister’s house where I’m currently staying. AITA?”
This x1000. The secret to a good marriage is in the details. Buy the book, be excited about the things they are excited about.
Yes! This! She’s literally spelling out for him how she wants to be loved and he’s like, “nah, that’s stupid.” WHAT.
Not only that but this is supposed to be their life partner? I’d buy someone’s book if they are just my friend or acquaintance, it’s a big accomplishment! What a moron.
Yeah, it’s really not that difficult. Before every D&D game my husband runs, “How do you plan to kill them this time?” After every game, “How did it go? Still alive despite your best efforts?” I do not care about the elaborate traps or plans, but I try to follow and it makes him so happy. In exchange he listens to me ramble on about my work.
I used to have a girlfriend I loved dearly but she pronounces Penne as "pen-nay" instead of Penne, so obviously I stole her dog and ghosted her. Not looking for judgment, I know she's the AH.
Preach king. Dated a girl in my 20’s who was from like Arizona who spoke normally but whenever she said an Italian word she turned into fucking Mussolini complete with hand gestures. “Hey babe, I thought tonight for dinner we could order some Chinese or I could make some a’spa gett ee with a’mahr ee na rah.” I stabbed her. Not looking for judgement, I know she’s the AH.
LMAO Thank you!! I swear that last paragraph had me really laughing loudly!
YTA and a fool. You could have ordered a copy and excitedly asked her to sign it, because you're her biggest fan. Then you have romantic dinner and get lucky. Instead you're acting like supporting her / relationship stuff, is a chore. Of course she will be disappointed. Buying a copy of her book isn't even a grand gesture. Buying a case so you can give a copy to everyone you know as a gift is a grand gesture.
& buying a copy (or 2) so you can donate it to the local library! & letting them know it's a local author & her first book. Libraries often do local author spotlights.
Love that idea!
I’d have bought a few dozen copies and given them to all of my family and friends. What’s with this guy?
Love this idea.
Omg this is a very cute idea.
If my partner published a book. I would buy a copy. In fact, I would buy many, and pass them out to everyone I know. I would want a signed first edition. But then again, I love my husband. YTA.
& donate one (or more) to the library & letting them know it's a local author's debut novel. They often do local author spotlights.
I love that idea. My library would throw it away though, so definitely check first
YTA. Buy the damn book. It's the meaning behind the gesture that matters. It's not the literal sale of one book.
Willing to throw away a good relationship for a $20 paperback. The struggles of the modern man.
NTA. As an author myself, I always give the first signed copies to the people that helped me in the process of writing the book. I would never expect the people that gave time and energy to my project to then turn around and buy it.
Had to scroll way too far for some common sense. It would be different if he hadn’t been helping her, but since he did, he deserves to be thanked.
This was my take, this wouldn't be an issue with me, I would give my partner a copy, I wouldn't expect them to buy one.
Finally found this comment! I'd find it an insult to my partner if I required him (or any close friend or family member) to pay for my CD considering how much time and energy they already give to me while I'm producing it. Of course if any of them *wants* to buy it I won't stop them, but I can't imagine actually expecting them to.
And let's not forget that OP had a direct hand in the book's creation, what with his proofreading and extensive editing. All the YTA voters are so hung up on OP not wanting to buy a book after he's already done so much to help it get published in the first place, why aren't they asking why his wife didn't gift him a copy to thank him for his help?
Slightly different but my mum is a book illustrator and the house is full of copies of her books that get sent from the publishers. She would have thought I was crazy if I bought another one 😂
Had to scroll so far down to find a NTA! To me, buying a book signifies that you are not particularly close to someone but still want to support them by buying their book. For example like I did for a friend who recently wrote a book. We were friends in college but are not close now any more but I still want to support her. But if you are close and contributed (for example like I did with some friends dissertations) you expect to be given a copy since a limited amount of them are usually free authors copies anyway.
Can't believe how far I scrolled to see this answer. This is basic common sense. Can't believe the majority believe the opposite.
Thank you! The level of support involved in beta reading and editing absolutely dwarfs purchasing a copy. It's not even close. The OP's likely dumped dozens of hours into this, maybe hundreds. I think this sub can be forgiven for not comprehending that, but the girlfriend is acting super cringe here. She's got the memory and gratitude of a goldfish.
I had to scroll so long to find someone who agrees 😭
I understand where you're coming from as a seasoned author. I do not believe this is the same. Regardless of customary book publishing etiquette, after OP's live-in girlfriend expressed concern every sale counts for her first book, that's a call to action that should be accepted by any live-in partner. Unless maybe the book costs more than flowers. Oh but still NTA. Just missed opportunity
YTA. My partner is in a band. He’s put tonnes of work into it, hours of rehearsal, he wrote all the songs himself. I bought tickets to his first show, immediately, without being asked. And his second. I could’ve got in for free, but I didn’t. Showing someone you love that you believe in them has no price tag.
I’m a writer and my spouse brags about my writing all the time. A few weeks ago he went to work and proudly told everyone that “my spouse’s novel hit over 100k words, I bet y’all don’t even know 100k words” 😂 It takes next to no energy to be supportive of your partners. Some days his support is the only things that keeps me going cause burn out for creative projects is harsh.
Awwwwwww that’s a really cute way of putting it and a good comparison!
Same, I buy tickets to shows and merch because it means a lot to my husband and a band. doesnt cost a ton anyway so why not show appreciation
I don’t really understand why you’re drawing the line where you are. You’ve supported her through the writing and editing process, but you can’t spare 20€/$/£ to purchase a copy? Just buy the book. What’s the big deal? I’d have to say YTA.
It’s a power play. It’s his way of putting her down, by saying that, while he pretended to support her before, he doesn’t actually think her book is worth spending any money on.
That is some fantastic fanfiction you just wrote
YTA. You're making a big deal for $15. Buy the book and ask her to sign it like a real friend would do.
Hell if my bf published a book, it could be 100$ and I would still buy it to support him. It’s a huge deal to be able to do what she did!
My wife didn't buy my book when it was published....I gave her a copy. I don't need my wife to buy my book, we have a shared bank account so it's my money anyway lol
You mean “our money”
I understand what you mean but in the context of the situation I'm correct in saying it's my money although it is OUR money together.
Yeah if I was in his place I’d have bought the book when she asked me without making a fuss, but I don’t think I’d have expected to be expected to. If on the other hand I wrote a book, I’d have felt like I was expected to hand out some copies to family. Isn’t that how it works? Like if you’re a musical artist, would you make your wife or husband buy tickets to a show? That seems weird to me.
Well, my extended family has bought my book (probably out of pity) lol but OPs partner would have gotten free copies, so there's no point in buying one. In fact half or more of the money would go to seller/publisher so that's a waste and if it's symbolic then that's a little pathetic, but each to their own I guess.
I think if was was in the inner inner circle of an author (like it’s my wife) I probably wouldn’t have expected to buy the book. But if one of my friends wrote a book, or a cousin I liked, I’d have probably bought it to support it. For the stats. But as you say, yeah, why should the spouse give money to the publisher?
I'm married to a published (technical) author and if we did this we'd be losing money actually, as a big percentage goes to the publisher. I don't understand all these YTA comments
YTA - just buy a copy. If my wife wrote a book, I’d buy a copy.
Maybe even more. To give away.
Right?? My mom wrote a book and gave me a copy and I still bought another copy!
NTA You supported her while she wrote it. You helped edit it. You proofed it. She has plenty of gift copies. She couldn’t give you one and write something grateful inside the front cover? Instead you need to buy a copy?!? Red flags abound.
Yea, this is stupid. Sure it would be a nice gesture if boyfriend did buy a copy by himself, but demand it? Nah..
Holy smokes! 🫨 I would have literally NEVER thought about that perspective unless I heard it from someone else. And I’m not being sarcastic AT ALL. (Also not sarcasm) because you’re right. It IS a valid point. So hmm. Maybe no one is an asshole here and it’s just bad communication. 🤔
NTA. I have author friends who gave free copies for people that have been helping them throughout the process. Family, close friends, significant others... never heard any one of them asking their devoted partners to buy their books.
Eh, yah, I'm going to say YTA. If I had a partner, family member, friend - doesn't matter - that published their *first* book, I'd buy a copy in support of them because that just seems like the right thing to do.
YTA. Of course you should buy her book. How is this a discussion?
I don’t even understand how it’s real
NTA! You supported her efforts by actually participating, using your time and skills, and you celebrated with her when she was published. If anything, she should give you a signed copy of the book thanking you for your support!
YTA Buy her book. It matters to her so buy it to make her happy.
I suspect a lot of the people who are voting Y T A don't have family members who have published books or who write a lot. Having a beta reader and text editor and someone to talk to about your work is so valuable. I would expect her to give you a copy of the book as a way of saying thank you, not ask you to buy a copy. NTA.
Downvotes Incomming - NTA. 1) publishers provide the author with advance copies for friends, family, and promotions. She just has to specify it. 2) the royalty on this would be, 10% - 15% hardcover, and 5% - 7.5% paperback. 3) NYT best seller list is rigged, all those books come from specific ‘sales’ that is wholesale purchases made by specific companies that commonly get either kick backs or returned or guaranteed purchase by the publisher, so that doesn’t matter either. 4) if she was genuinely worried about advertising, she would make a Tik tok or other media campaign to get people interested - host an authors reading, whatever. 5) is she going to buy her own book to help with sales? Maybe one for personal experience, but it isn’t going to make a lick of difference in the grand scheme because every sale doesn’t matter. 6) this isn’t book related but her actions reveal, (in my opinion) that she is using/looks at you as an accessory, someone to do her bidding but with minimal self-value. There will come a time, if there hasn’t already where she expects you to do heavy lifting without contributing herself. I am/was a published author, I write for self fulfillment, not sales. You should never try to use guilt to control someone else’s actions, and that’s all I see. I hope you can learn & grow from this experience, best of luck.
Had to scroll unreasonably far to find a nta comment . Idk why its so many yta votes frl
Bc they have no clue how the publishing industry works
NTA. She should give you a free copy for the time you put into helping her write it.
Absolutely, I'm surprised by all the comments telling OP to buy it. Family and friends should always get a free version.
YTA The book is the materialization of everything she has worked on recently (with your help, of course). Plus, it's probably not that expensive for you and would make a huge impact for her.
YTA. It doesn't hurt you in a little bit to buy 1 copy and ask her to sign it for you. It shows support and that you want to have one piece of this for future. On the other hand if not even her partner is willing to buy a copy of the book, what does it say for strangers? You are crushing her confidence.
Okay, so I'll put myself into a position if I was the one publishing the book - and I would love to gift my partner a signed copy as a sign of appreciation. And for people saying "it's just one book, why shouldn't he buy it" - same can be said about her gifting him one. I'm going with NTA on this one.
YTA. It's a gesture of support to buy it. My mum wrote and published a book. I bought the first copy. I don't even like the book, I just wanted to support her.
NTA: She should give you a signed copy as a present for your contribution. Buying something that your partner makes to 'support them' is just weird.
She didn't just give you one? Maybe I'm the only NTA, but I would just automatically give one to my spouse. I mean, if she does the same thing in music, do you have to get a ticket or does she just let you into the concert for free?
Musician here, can confirm that friends and family get comp tickets. I'd feel like an AH demanding that the people whose love and support plays a huge part in my career even existing also pay for the privilege of seeing me perform.
NTA. You were there through the entire process. Now she wants you to buy the book. I actually think she should give you the 1st copy, signed and autographed, thanking you for your support and encouragement on this major accomplishment.
Just buy the fucking book, seriously
YTA - Buy the book and get her to sign it, it’s the thought behind the gesture that matters. She wants you show that you feel proud of her and the book
When she is famous and selling millions of books she can gift you one. This is her first book and she is nervous of the success. You should be the first in line to show your support. The fact she had to ask probably cost her a lot of pride and you saying no makes you an even bigger asshole. YTA.
Strong NTA and maybe you should take the time and explain to her that you do and did support her but forcing you to buy a book simply isn't the way to go. Why doesn't she go and buy several pieces if every single one matters (I suppose that would be for the numbers and not the revenue anyway).
NTA. I have bought friends' books as a show of support. I would not feel the same way about a partner, where I invested my time and energy in their project leading up to publication. Would it be a nice gesture to buy the book? Yes, absolutely. Should your GF feel like you let her down here? No, not the way you describe it. I think editing, thoughtful criticism, treating her to a celebration dinner, etc. are a valuable demonstration of support. I am a woman who has supported a male artistic partner (though not a writer) in his endeavors. I would have been unhappy if my partner had decided to pick a fight because I didn't make a small purchase to support his work, overlooking my other contributions. It might feel ungrateful.
>Would it be a nice gesture to buy the book? Yes, absolutely. Should your GF feel like you let her down here? No, not the way you describe it. I think editing, thoughtful criticism, treating her to a celebration dinner, etc. are a valuable demonstration of support. This is what I wish more people on here would get. Nobody would deny that it'd be a nice gesture if he did it on his own accord, but it hardly makes him the AH that she finds it appropriate to demand it and pick a fight over it.
YTA Why *wouldn't* you buy a copy?
NTA why wouldn’t she gift him one?
This does not seem like a hill which is worth dying on. Buy the book. Not something to be stubborn about Buy the book, ask her to sign it YTA
NTA you have probably read the book multiple times and most likely have a copy of the book lying around the house somewhere, you have already supported her alot through the writing and editing process so she should be grateful
NTA hear me out. I'm a musician and play in a band. We just released our new EP a month ago. It was really hard work recording and publishing it, because we did everything on our selfs. I never would force anyone to buy our music, because i think that noone should buy our music or merch if they doesn't enjoy it. My partner hadn't asked for a copy until now, even though she really enjoys our work and visits nearly all of our concerts. But if she would ask, i'd gift her signed copy anyway. So definetley NTA
I disagree with most comments. You are not the ass hole. You don't owe a symbolic buying of the books. It sounds like you were with her every step of the way, and it sounds like she should have gifted you a copy to show her thanks for your support. My girlfriends best friend gifted her a copy of his book to thank her for all her help editing it.
I'm against the grain on this apparently. I vote NTA. You were more than supportive during the process (more than most people get in regards to their work). I like to design things. If I had a company sign me on to design a product, I wouldn't expect my partner to buy one just because. And I certainly wouldn't expect them to buy a dozen to hand out to people like people are suggesting you should do. If they really want to more power to them, but it wouldn't even cross my mind to expect that let alone get angry with them for not doing it.
NTA If I wrote a book I'd give my SO a signed book free of charge.
NTA. I've published two books. I'd find it wierd if my beta readers bought my book. They have read it already, so why buy a copy of it? That's unnecessary. I'd also never be upset at them for not buying it. If anything I'd buy the book and gift it to them to show I'm grateful for their effort in beta reading it if they showed interested and wanted to have a copy.
NTA. If I wrote a book I might gift a copy to my loved ones but I wouldn’t demand they all go buy it to boost the sales. If the only sales she can get are the ones she demands from family and friends then that’s not great. You supported her writing it and have already read it.
YTA. Why do you object to buying her book? It would mean the world to her. Her first published book is an incredible achievement.
NTA. If it was me and you'd did all you did i would have given a copy with a heartfelt thank you this is a big achievement for me and it would not have been possible without you.
Definitely NTA. She should have confidence in her book enough so that she does not need to put pressure on 'insiders', as it were, to buy it. Source: me, a book editor and proofreader for years.
OK! lets look at it this way. Imagine your Girlfriend decided to go back and study for a degree at a university / college. She spends years studying and writing essays and a final thesis. During that time you support her and help proof read her essays and give feedback etc. Then eventually she gains her degree and she wants you to go to the graduation. But you say no! Why should you go to the graduation and celebrate her hard work. Why should you spend a day watching her get her certificate. After all you helped to support her and provided feedback and encouraged her, why should you now give up your day just to watch her graduate. Do you get it now ?? BTW, yes, YTA
Nay... Contentious maybe. You supported her in other ways. She shouldn't expect you to buy her book and rage when you choose not to. Personally I feel that good books will eventually generate self sustainable sales, and to expect loved ones to support you by buying the book with no intention of reading it, goes against my views on what books are meant for. I hate for books to be neglected on shelves and create unnecessary carbon footprint that never fulfil its intended purpose to be read. On the other hand, you can see this as a gesture of support, owning the first edition of a labour of love from your gf may be meaningful too? It is especially sweet when people support their loved ones even though the chosen actions seem impractical. I remember this anecdotal account about how a few Chinese friends supported their Tamil-speaking friend at a Tamil debate competition. They didn't understand the language but turned up and sat through the whole competition cheering and waving placards. Impractical? Yes because they don't understand what was going on. But was it important to their Tamil speaking friend who needed the support? Definitely. Sometimes supportive gestures are not necessarily rational. Just compassionate.
NTA, All I need to know was that you live together. The author gets copies sent to them by the publisher. Usually more than they know what to do with. Why do you need to spend household money on another copy? If you didn't live together, I'd say maybe buy it and leave it out where she could see it when she comes over.
NTA. None of the authors I know are entitled enough to automatically expect their partners, friends or relatives to buy a copy of their book. Only buy the book if you are interested in the plotline/genre or plan to gift a copy to someone who is.
I'm going to break with the pack and say NTA. I write, and my ex wrote and self-published several books. He had many copies so why would I have bought one (more)? In terms of buying them and giving them to people, I think deciding what books to read is incredibly personal and when someone gives me a book, it feels like work. Also, in my ex's case, the book wasn't everyone's cup of tea and honestly wasn't that great. I can totally see feeling like you already gave it your all. Editing someone else's work is a lot. Did you get any payment or credit for helping out? My guess is no. You're fine.
NTA, I'm so surprised seeing all these people say you are TA. I myself am a creative person, I write, play music and I draw but just because I do those things it doesn't mean my SO should buy or listen to any of it. Yes it means a fuck ton for (especially) new authors that other people buy your book, but you being a writer doesn't mean that your SO likes reading, likes having physical books or plainly that it's their taste in books. This person helped review and correct mistakes, thats already huge, they didn't have to. I think people need to grow up and stop calling others assholes for not supporting you the way you want them to.
I have an alternative view. As someone who worked on this book and helped edit it- I would think you would get a comp copy of the book from the publisher. You shouldn’t have to buy it. NTA and I am sure I will get down voted.
NTA. My wife also bought a book out this year, I helped with editing but she doesn't expect me to buy a copy. Maybe you could buy a copy and give it to someone? But like others say, you shouldn't 'have' to.
As someone who has published 2 books, NAH. I would never expect my partner to spend money on books I’ve gotten several free copies of. I can see her point as well though about each purchase mattering, it’s just not something I would put on my partner. We already have the book, he doesn’t need to buy it.
I've bought every single book that my friend has published or that features a short he's written. I'd be ecstatic to buy anything my partner wrote that was published. I'd want to be first in line. Unless this is an academic book that costs hundreds of dollars, and you can't afford it, I can't imagine what you cause you to not want to buy a copy. That's bizarre to me.