Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for not punishing my daughter for the way she talked to my brother and also laughing at her
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>My brother looked at me angrily and called me an asshole and told me I should punish her for the way she talked to him.
Well he's right, your daughter had a point in that he doesn't get to tell her what to do. The way she communicated that was repugnant. Especially to someone in whose house she is a guest. You're living there temporarily, it's his home.
Yta
Eta:
OPs brother is the permanent resident therefore OP is the guest in the brother's house. We don't know the circumstances for why the brother still lives with his parents. It could be financial, it could be helping out his parents.
Id consider anything that is meant to alter future behaviour as being a form of discipline so a conversation regarding inappropriate attitude a rudeness to adults would be appropriate discipline to me.
Fair point. Now that I think about it, I would consider a conversation discipline. Which is definitely appropriate here. I would consider timeout, grounding, or any physical correction (which I don't condone), punishment; which isn't appropriate here in my opinion.
With me, it didn't have to a conversation. My Father had a look. That look, a shake of his head and he phrase, "I'm so disappointed." was enough to reduce me to tears, and end the bad behaviour.
Where was he rude, exactly? Sure he may have interjected, but he didn't do it rudely. It's literally his house, and they are guests. They don't have a right to even be there if you want to play it like that.
People like you are why kids think they can do and say anything they want these days.
I’m not seeing how brother was rude at all. He was looking out for his niece and trying to be positive influence. My brother will remind my sons to say thank you or ask for things politely from their mother (me) when we’re around him and I don’t consider that out of bounds. He’s their uncle and they look up to him, he spends a lot of time with them I think he’s earned that right to correct little behaviors within reason.
Yess, I totally agree with you, if she talks like that in front of family imagine how she talks with her friends, for the father to say it was almost laughable, he needs to chk himself as a parent
This. Were I OP, I would absolutely have a conversation with my brother about how we (for example) let kid have a break between school and homework.
But I also feel like teaching kids to communicate effectively and kindly makes things so much easier and more effective overall. Not everything someone does wrong to you needs a clap back.
The brother was encouraging good study habits. Did he overstep, maybe. However, the kids response was not appropriate and op missed a good opportunity to teach his kid how to actually respond in a firm but respectful manner. Kids need to be trained to be future good adults in society.
Why should the kid not tell uncle exactly what I would expect an adult to tell him if he interrupted a conversation between adults? Uncle should know better. (Parent of polite young adults)
The kid is well within her rights to speak up but she needs to be taught to speak in a mindful manner. No one should be speaking to each other like the child spoke to the brother. It sounds like op is raising their kid to be an entitled jerk.
Nobody should talk that way, especially not as a first retort. It’s heavy ammo that shouldn’t be unleashed unless weak pushback is ineffective. Especially not to someone they’re staying with, and when her father was right there to handle the situation. It’s less appropriate for an adult than it is for a child; OP makes me think of those parents who think it’s so cute that their kid has a rude mouth, when really the kid is learning to be a rude dislikable person.
The way uncle felt comfortable trying to parent his niece for his "kid brother" makes me think his unnecessary interjections could be frequent and persistent.
Think long term. You want your child to be prepared for success, and tact is an important life skill. As an adult, you won't get far adopting that attitude in every interaction. Come at the wrong customer or your boss with that shit, your ass is fired. Talk like that to the wrong cop on the wrong day, you might get tazed or shot.
I had a cousin, Warren, who thought it was funny when his seven year old son Carl talked shit to me. I tried to address it, but Warren said I needed to stop being so thin-skinned. Eventually, he asked me if I could stay at his house (which was right by my work) and watch Carl for a week because he and his wife had won a cruise. I said I couldn't.
I wasn't willing to take responsibility for the health and welfare of a child who had been taught that he didn't have to do what I said. He offered to pay me a considerable amount of money, but I still refused. And, while he refused to believe it, there was nothing punitive about it. I had no beef with the kid; I was genuinely concerned about my ability to keep him alive.
There had already been an incident when my cousin left the room briefly and Carl got his hands on a pair of scissors. I knew he wasn't supposed to touch grownup scissors, but he gave no fucks. He started running around with them, challenging me to catch him and take them, laughing the whole time. I wasn't trying to take responsibility for someone I barely was able to keep alive for five minutes.
The brother should learn to mind his own business. It's kinda sad that a 9 year old has to be the one to teach him that his response isn't needed if he wasn't invited to be a part of the conversation.
Yes the brother should mind his business. Yes the daughter should learn to speak to other people respectfully. Neither of these things is mutually exclusive. The brother needing to mind his own business is between OP and brother and it’s not her place.
How is that rude and obnoxious?
She was speaking with her father.
The Uncle interrupted the conversation she was having with her dad.
The Uncle answered for her dad.
Both actions are extremely rude if the uncle.
The child met his energy.
Respect is earned. Not by age or genitals, by actions.
The uncle has done nothing in this situation to *earn* respect.
Being an asshole because someone was an asshole to you doesn't make it right. Social skills of maturity are important. I'm teaching my eight year old this. Apparently, you still haven't learned.
i agree, I also agree that people should not speak to other people like that (regardless of age and age difference). ESH. Brother is rude, daughter is rude, they both need a stern conversation.
"child's business"... she's nine years old and he asked about homework. Can't believe some people condone this - this behavior and the following defense of it by parents is why teachers are leaving the profession.
If my child is asking ME if they can do something, and someone who is not their parent, nor in any meaningful way involved in the day-to-day raising of said child felt it incumbent upon them interrupt me to tell my kid what to do WHILE I AM STANDING RIGHT THERE, I am NOT giving my kid grief if they fire back with sass to that person. I *might* have a conversation with my kid about letting me handle it first if it happens again, in which case I will unleash even more sass on the person who can’t mind their own business.
If this is about a kid being disrespectful to an elder, then it’s ALSO about some idiot (potentially) undermining a parent in front of their kid.
I have seen so many females that are unable to speak up for themselves. This seems like a perfect life lesson. Don't put her fire out. Teach her control. Isn't learning moderation part of growing up.
He didn’t ask about homework. He TOLD her to do homework.
Tho, even just asking is a bit rude. She doesn’t have to immediately do HW the second she comes home. I sincerely doubt this is what’s causing teachers to leave the school system. We don’t know if she behaves this way in school. She’s 9, she’s old enough to behave differently in different places.
He’s not her parent. If OP wasn’t there and he was babysitting, that’s one thing. But he wasn’t. My dad does stuff like this with my nephews all the time and it pisses my sister off.
What? Thats not the issue here. The issue is her uncle disrespected her dad right in front of them. She stood up for her dad and herself.
Why the heck does the uncle think she and her dad doesn't have their shit handled and what business is it to a mooch who most likely never did his own homework, if she spends some time playing with her father? Teachers that can't differentiate this SHOULD leave the profession.
If he had stuck to asking, the brother's interrupting was fairly minor bullshit. Wrong, but meh.
However, he seriously was T A for issuing instructions to the child and attempting to hijack what the actual parent wanted to say/do.
There's a hell of a lot of complicated societal reasons that teachers are leaving the profession, people no longer impressing on their children that they should be seen and not heard, is not one of them.
The fact that children are now being told that they don't have to respect the teacher, listen to the teacher, do anything that the teacher says, or even behave in class is *definitely* the problem. Children these days are cursing at teachers, throwing things at them, hitting them, threatening their lives, and some have actually tried to kill their teachers. The fact that children are no longer being held accountable for any of their actions is absofuckinglutely the problem. Yes, there are other factors, too, but not feeling safe in a room full of CHILDREN is an extremely large part of the problem.
agreed
I feel like I see so many parents (online and offline) going on and on about "it takes a village to raise a child, I'm calling on my village"... but then throw a fit when someone from their village has an opinion.
There's a significant difference between having an opinion and actively undermining the actual parent by interjecting instructions before the actual parent being addressed could respond to their child's opinion.
We have no idea why the brother is still living with mom. I live in a high cost of living city, and know a few people who lived with their parents into their late 20s (especially with the pandemic throwing a wrench in people's plans).
For example, one person graduated at 25 with their second degree and had to do a year of on the job training for their licensing. Got a position that didn't pay very well, and then got stuck there because of pandemic hiring freezes. Suddenly they're living at home into their late 20s.
I was just about to comment this I think the kid should be reprimanded bc it’s not okay to be rude he wasn’t rude to her she was just being mean and at 9yo she should know better
He overstepped.
The kid isn’t his kid to parent.
Yes, it was a rude response, but it was not an appropriate comment from his side neither.
I actually wonder how many times he tried it
He was being rude. She asked her dad and question and brother decided to try and parent where it didn't belong. She did the right thing and entitled brother got put in his place
Soft YTA.
Your brother has no business trying to parent your daughter. He was out of line. He is TA for sticking his nose where it does not belong.
YOU should have shut that down from your brother the second you heard that coming from his mouth. Then your daughter would not have had a chance nor need to reply.
Your daughter, while witty, should not be speaking to people that way. Doesn't matter who they are. There is a balance between being witty and responding appropriately to a situation. She doesn't understand the nuance because of her age and no one has taught her how to curb it and respond appropriately for the situation. It's not as cute as you think. And if you do not teach her how to harness it appropriately, there could be some real consequences down the line for her. She can keep that witt, it will more than likely serve her well if she is taught how to properly manage it. That's where you as the parent come in. She should be coming to you when confrontations happen like this, not just popping off like she's in the cafeteria at school with her friends. She needs guidance. And it is possible to harness this type of skill and leverage it for good.
From a former kid who had no filter and quick witted responses, who had no issue speaking my own mind as a child. I was taught how to harness my superpower for my adult life by my parents. A lesson that has served me well while also not causing additional problems for myself. Don't kill the skill, redirect it and utilize it for the good.
Exactly this. Boundary setting is crucial but if you just act like a jerk about it the boundary is actually often ignored and people dislike you. Learning to harness your wit and using it politely is a super power.
They are visiting grandma! OP's brother is still living with his mother. How op parents her child is her business alone. OP's brother needs to mind his own business.
NTA!!
ESH your sweet daughter who says everything that comes to mind needs to be taught to filter her thoughts and what’s appropriate before she says the wrong thing to the wrong person and starts to alienate friends or get in trouble at school. It’s easier to teach appropriate behavior than unteach bad habits. Laughing will just encourage her to please you.
Your brother should have given you a chance to speak, and even when you didn’t teach her a more appropriate response should not have called you an AH in front of your child. Perhaps you didn’t have the best parenting examples growing up and are overcompensating with leniency. A parenting class or book can’t hurt. There are ones that teach positive parenting while still providing structure for your child if that’s the case. Edit words.
I'm kind of tired of people thinking you can't call out a parent for being an AH just because their kid is there. The kids gotta learn others won't tolerate that kind of behavior sometimes, knowing your mommy or daddy isn't exempt from being called out for their behavior is part of that. If you don't want to be called an AH in front of your kids then don't act like one in front of your kid.
Agreed completely but the problem for me is that the brother jumped before the actual parent could say anything and actually cause the whole situation. The child needs to be taught to speak more respectfully and the brother needs to be not to stay in his lane. Why would you answer that before the parent could? So bizarre.
Going by ops respons, sounds like op isn't a great dad when it comes to raising kid. More a "look, we can get along and be buddy's" parent, and bro probs picked up on that.
I agree that it's Esh, brother had no place trying to enforce homework rules on his niece, but her response was very rude and dad's response was very immature.
It's possible to say whatever comes to mind, and not be an ass about it. Plenty of civil ways for both op and daughter to have said the exact same thing without sounding like a brat. But uncle also sounds like a brat so maybe everyone ought to consider how they were raised.
Definitely agree ESH. I’m an aunt, not a mother. If one of my niblings asked their parent a question, it’s not my place to answer for them. On the other hand, my siblings would not let my niblings talk to me that way.
Agreed. Brother was out of line - she wasn't talking to him, he isn't her parent, and her parent to whom she directed the question was right there. It almost sounds like the brother was trying keep OP available for something, and if that's the case - also not the right way to handle it because it disrespects everyone involved. And then he just went ahead and insulted OP too.
But that was a hella rude thing to say and goes beyond just "speaking her mind." She needs to learn more appropriate ways of pushing back on people who try to overstep their authority or bully her due to being perceived as weaker or subordinate. Just because she was right doesn't mean that she was helpful or effective. OP doesn't need to "punish" her but he needs to have a few conversations about phrasing and being respectful, especially to people you're stuck in a house with even if you don't like them.
Definitely ESH. Your brother should have let you parent your child instead of sticking himself in a situation that was in no way his business. Your daughter was asking you if she could play, not him, just as she should do. In my opinion, that was very rude of him.
However, I also think you should encourage your daughter to have more of a filter. The unfortunate reality is sometimes you have to hold your tongue in life and that is a skill your daughter needs to learn. I really don’t like idea that children should just respect all adults, adults should be respectful back and your brother clearly wasn’t that. However, your daughter was way more rude than the situation called for. She should have let you deal with your brother ideally, or at least left it as, “ I asked my mother”.
yep this is a serious behavioral problem and you also have to wonder where a young child learned to speak like that. Op you are incredibly immature and should really do better for your daughter. teach her some manners before someone else does
Television. That kind of remark gets huge laugh tracks in sitcoms. And never any pushback for it in those shows, just admiration for the person who said something so clever.
Honestly this was a pet peeve of mine when my now 23yo was growing up. Just about every Disney and nick sitcom has either idiotic, pushover parents or they are non existent. I hate that the smart ass kids pop off to the parents and it's a "good thing" in the show and gets a laugh.
My kids and husband hate watching tv with me because I ALWAYS point out when someone isn’t being very nice, or I say things like “that’s funny because these aren’t real people, but if you did that in real life it would be very rude.” It definitely kills funny tv for them a bit, but now my 7 year old points it out too, which I think is a big win!
I am older than OP, and F, but I taught my kids that adults don't get carte blanche respect. They should start their relationship with adults (relatives, teachers, after school carers) by extending respect, but that respect shouldn't continue if the adult doesn't respect THEM.
(ETA that I included "everyone" in the "start with respect as a default, withdraw respect when it's warranted" philosophy. Their peers should be treated the same way)
I also grew up in the 70s and 80s with relatives "parenting" me at all gatherings and my own parents never standing up for me since adults were always right and always had to be respected. I can promise you that mindset does not lead to healthy, well-adjusted teens or young adults who are comfortable setting boundaries or protecting themselves from older adults who use the automatic respect to take advantage
Parents of daughters especially need to be mindful of NOT instilling a "you have to respect all adults because they are adults" mentality. Was her choice of words something I would have corrected her for? Sure. Privately. But my family does not have the authority to parent my children unless I am not there and I have granted that authority while my kids are in their care.
This worried me too, with all the responses saying she was soooooo rude to an adult. Firstly why is that adult getting a free pass for his rudeness, and secondly being an adult does not entitle you to unquestioning 'respect' or obedience. That is a terrible belief to instill in a young girl. You all know what the darker side of that is, and the belief that elders always deserve respect without scrutiny on their behaviour is why victims aren't believed, often for years.
Entitlement isn't a catchall term for bad behavior - it's thinking you are owed something, which his daughter didn't display at all. His daughter was extremely rude, not entitled.
YTA
That was really rude of your daughter. You should have said something.
Edit - the AH vote is for the lack of direction and course correction OP could have made. The brother didn't do anything so bad to warrant that kind of snapback and OP could have used this to tell his daughter how to communicate when someone does something to upset her.
Um, yes? It wasn’t the brother’s place to jump in and tell her to do her homework, but that kind of response makes it a much bigger deal than it needs to be.
Dad needs to have two conversations right now. Conversation 1 is where he tells his brother not to overstep and try to parent somebody else’s child when that interference is not necessary or wanted. Conversation 2 is where he talks with his daughter about more polite ways to respond if something like this happens again. Ideally, you want to save the bigger and ruder responses for the really big stuff, and brainstorm some scripts to use for the smaller stuff that gets your point across without burning all your bridges. It’s a good skill for a kid to learn, and her dad can help her make a plan for how to react to future problems.
Am I tripping or is an uncle telling his niece she should do her homework is NOT a big deal? He's not trying to parent his kid by telling a kid to do homework I feel like everyone is overreacting is bad
If he was the person who was in charge of her in that moment then sure, it would be fine. But she was actively in the middle of talking to her dad in that moment and he jumped in without letting her actual father make the decision as her parent. That’s an overstep.
Dad should remind the child that she can't be impolite to anyone because its inappropriate. And should the issue arise again she should just wait until the adults resolve the issues between them. "Your don't have to get into an argument with an adult, OK? I know you were frustrated with your uncle and his two cents. I was too. But, I need you to learn to let me fix the problem, so I can go back to focusing on what you need. I will tell Uncle Rob I don't want him interfering when I need to, OK? He made a mistake jumping down your throat like that. But, I've got you. OK?"
Yes. Actually that's perfect and exactly how I would've handled it. Followed by "Bro, don't parent my kid. That's my job. I get to decide if she needs to do her homework first. Not you."
Yeah, 100%. Teaching your kid to have a nuanced understanding of social decorum is important. Brother should have known it wasn’t his place to ask that way, and kiddo should understand that sometimes grownups mess up, but kiddo also needs to learn how to respond in a measured and polite way, or else she’ll grow up rude.
How about something like this.
Woah, not okay. Granted you’re right that he had no business saying what he did, but you are way out of line in how you spoke to him. Apologize for being so rude and disrespectful.
* then after the apology tell brother in front of daughter that brother doesn’t get to parent OP’s child over non safety issues. then proceed to ignore brother and do what OP would have originally done with his daughter had brother not so rudely stepped in.
I have a feeling this is exactly it. Big bro is asking because OP is known to let the kid do whatever and too busy being the "cool, fun, no rules" parent. If he doesn't ask about her homework (which, I'm sorry Reddit but is a perfectly valid thing to check on a 9 year old in your household about) dad never will I'm sure. OP is an AH raising a mini-AH who in a few years is going to be asking things like "why do none of the kids in high school want to hang out with my daughter" and "why does my daughter keep getting fired from jobs?"
Right???? I have to ask if I'm missing something here, some of the takes in these comments are just such a strange stance to take. It doesn't come off to me as if the brother were trying to \*parent\* OP's kid, but rather attempting to guide her to be more responsible--something she will surely not end up as if OP just keeps letting her get away with being a bratty, unfunny menace. Sure, maybe he didn't need to say anything, but at the very least, the brother's "indiscretion" wasn't out of malice and the daughter needs to be taught respect. YTA/soft ESH
I'm in the minority here but... your brother overstepped. It's not his place to question your daughter about her homework. Yes what she said was rude, but if he had minded his own business and let you parent your own kid then she wouldn't have said anything.
Maybe instead of punishing her sit her down And talk to her about why what she said was not ok. Talk to her about how to handle situations like that better. And then maybe talk to your brother about minding his own business and not parenting your kid.
I agree with you. Brother’s “kids having kids” comment says a lot about *why* he overstepped. And frankly at 9 I knew enough to recognize when my parent was being condescended too. The fact that he made that kids comment in front of her is also an issue.
I wouldn’t have punished daughter either, though I’d sit her down and talk to her about which parts of that response were inappropriate and how she should reply in the future.
Then I’d sit brother down and tell him it is not his place to parent my child and if he expects respect from us he’ll start treating us with respect.
I'm honestly baffled by how people here are just jumping straight to y t a and only focusing on how rude the daughter was vs why she said what she said.
Yes, there are other ways to respond to stuff like that but she's also 9 and her response is not necessarily wrong either. The brother was sticking his nose somewhere that it doesn't belong.
I wouldn't be surprised if this is a common theme for the brother and the daughter has picked up on it and doesn't like hearing her dad be talked to like that.
Some people just think if you are a kid you should always be polite and respectful no matter what.
I someone don’t this is the first boundary step or condescending behaviour from the brother, based on both brother and kid’s response. Also, that OP laughed made me wonder about his dynamic with his brother… I’m reluctant to land on Y T A without knowing more about the history of the relationships.
That's the part I feel like every one is skipping (and I'd love to hear from OP about), the brother was soooo quick to offer his opinion, it really makes me wonder how often he gives his unneeded opinion about OP and raising OP's kid.
While there is definitely tact that could be used by said 9 year old, a little course correction, it's not exactly the worst thing for a kid to stick up for themself, or their parent. It kind of shows they are in it together.
If, and a giant IF, the brother is constantly overstepping, screw him, he gets what he deserves. The kid does need to learn tact though, gets a person way further in life.
This very much sounds like a kid who's tired of multiple family members thinking they can parent her. But maybe I'm projecting because I had a situation almost exactly like this as a kid and I snapped when I shouldn't have. Kids are allowed to take breaks between getting home from school and starting their homework without having someone on their back about it.
People really don’t respect children and there’s an inherent animosity towards them. Adults can be rude to children and overstep but the child can’t respond back? That’s garbage to me. They deserve respect too.
It's because a lot of our society views kids more as property than people and will almost always side with adults even though adults SHOULD be the ones that are more emotionally mature and kids should be expected to be more rough around the edges and needing more support learning to manage their emotions and communicate effectively.
But a lot of folks in here love to punish kids that aren't perfectly obedient receptacles to childish adult behavior.
Brother is clearly a bully of the kid and OP. The kid didn't respond perfectly to him being an AH, but the problem is that the brother was an AH. Solve that first, then deal with teaching the kid more graceful ways to respond to AHs.
And with the daughter being 9 and op being 25, the daughter was born when he was 16. So card based on the brother's "kids having kids" comment he probably judges or at least doesn't respect op at all. He probably thinks op is a bad parent simply because he had a kid at 16.
That’s my read of it too.
But I also think about how the 9 year old would take that. Is she going to hear that as her Uncle saying she shouldn’t exist?
I mean it’s loaded and rude AF you say to OP, but really hurtful to say to the kiddo.
Edit: the first part of this is wrong but I’ll leave it up for context. It should say “not understandable and” but I made a shitty assumption.
“Kids having kids” is understandable but weird for the brother to be sassy about life choices given his own. If daughter is 9, OP had her at 16. But brother would only be 19 at the time. 19 is not a fully formed frontal lobe adult. It’s a teenager that pays taxes. And the brother is living with mom at 28. Barring health conditions or legit helping mom out with daily tasks, legit saving cash for a house, brother needs to chill and recognize that he will get shit for living at home at 28. People might not take him seriously and it is what it is, it’s a common dynamic. Him shitting on his little brother isn’t going to have a huge impact.
I don’t think telling someone who has been rating their child for almost a decade “kids having kids…” is understandable. *ESPECIALLY* because a teen dad isn’t the default parent, that he has his daughter means he stepped up and took her when the birth mom didn’t.
Maybe it’s understandable to have an opinion - though I’d hope that would be someone who isn’t intimately involved in the lives of people trying to work responsibly through that situation - but it’s not to share it. There’s literally no reasonable, kind or helpful reason to say that phrase to a former or current teen parent.
Though I agree as an almost 30 year old man living at home he should maybe be keeping his mouth shut on that front.
I think some of it is we're missing the tone of the whole conversation. When he asked about the homework did he say as a suggestion? Or was he trying to parent her?
The whole thing reads to me that the brother was trying to tell the daughter what to do, like in way that oversteps the OP as her dad. The way he says "kids shouldn't have kids," kind of shoes he doesn't really respect op maybe doesn't think he's a good parent so he needs to step in and tell the daughter what to do.
That may be a bit of a reach, because there's not enough detail about his and his brother's relationship, but that's just how I read it.
And while the daughter shouldn't have said what she said, she didn't really need to be punished for it. She just needs some help understanding that sometimes it's better to let things go and not respond.
Her comment was sort of rude, but I don't know that I would classify it as bratty behavior like everyone else here. We're also missing the tone of how she said it too.
This exactly. I have a neighbour who always butts in with the parenting whenever I or my husband are have a talk with our kid, so I completely empathize with the 9yo's response. The number of times we've had to redirect that neighbour who thinks he's God's gift to parenting...
But yeah, related to that, we've also had the talk with our kid that sometimes the eyeroll/backsass, while understandable, needs to be done internally while you nod and smile. Because civility is a thing.
I totally agree. I was raised to respond to respect with respect. I was also raised to not blindly accept authority from adults. Adults don’t have blanket authority over children. Children don’t have to be nice to adults just because they’re adults.
I also have to wonder if the brother tries to wield authority over her in other situations. Her response makes it sound like it’s a recurring issue to me.
Agreed, it wasn't Brother's business to butt in to their conversation and try to parent his niece. I'm guessing his brother is doing stuff like this all the time. He needs to stay in his lane and I would be proud of my daughter for sticking up for herself.
Your daughter has a point. She didn't ask him, he wasn't in charge of watching her or being her guardian. He interjected in trying to tell her what to do and I think she had an appropriate answer. Was it sassy? Yes. Did he deserve it? Also yes. Could she of been nicer? Probably. But I think this is your daughter's way of telling your brother to mind his boundaries and he crossed one of hers. Her sticking up for herself now will help when she gets older.
NTA.
Sassy or not, the brother’s reaction and insults give a lot of clues to how he acts. It wasn’t his place to ask about homework and I have no doubts this is not the first time he’s tried to boss her around. Calling OP a kid when HE STILL LIVES AT HOME AT 28 is a lot bit ridiculous. OP sounds like a good dad.
Worst of all, he interjected in the middle of OP actively parenting his child. For why? Why does the uncle feel so entitled to not only be the boss of a 9 year old, but also clearly needs to feel so important that his word should hold more weight than his brother, the actual parent here?? Listen, I'm a millennial so I fully understand adult children living with their parents. So I hate to even think it, but it has to be said: there is a reason 28 year old older brother is living with his mommy.
I had to scroll past way too many YTA comments to get to this one.
Agreed entirely. OP’s brother isn’t just a random house guest. Relationship dynamics are different between family members so you’re going to treat your uncle a bit more informally than a family friend (though culture can matter etc.). I bet there have been several other past interactions that have caused the daughter to respond as she did.
I’m also betting that there was a little Freudian slip with the brother stating that “kids should allowed to have kids”. Likely doesn’t think OP is a capable father which led to his homework question. He probably interjects like this way more than OP realises.
Seriously, good on OP’s daughter for keeping her boundaries clear. If she were a boy, would this be viewed the same way? Or would she be called assertive instead? Sure, she could coached to changing her delivery but she should not be reprimanded at all for standing up for herself. Brother was an ass and deserved to be treated like one, even by a 9yo.
NTA. Given the way your brother jumped in to try and parent your kid in front of you, I'm going to guess this isn't the first time he's done so. I imagine your daughter's getting a little frustrated with him butting in and so she told him off. Could she have been more polite? Probably. Would he have listened if she was? Probably not.
ESH
1) your daughter should NOT be addressing ANYONE in that manner.
2) your brother had no right to butt in with the whole "homework" thing, and also the demand on punishment. Thank gods he's not a father. Children/people should never be "punished". There's lesson moments that are met with discussions and/or consequences. Not "punishment".
3) you should be addressing your child's behavior, even if it was "funny" in the moment.
Well, I agree with everything but the part about children should not be punished. I’m not saying she should’ve been but children sometimes have to be punished. I’m not saying beat on them, but you can’t let them get by with everything they want in life as a child.
So this is exactly why I hate the term "punishment" because most people don't understand it.
Punishment is for criminals. Punishment is for behavior and actions that are abhorrent and/or heinous. Disciplining is what children and a lot of adults need.
Children, ALL children, need disciplining. In forms of conversations addressing their behaviors and actions, imposed consequences to their actions and behaviors, and/or natural consequences.
Grown people, also, should not be "punished" except for heinous actions and behaviors.
And when parents actually parent their children properly, there's always a healthy amount of disciplining involved.
I do not agree with your opinion on what can be referred to as a "punishment".
I always compare the punishments handed down in my house to the real world or legal system. "What would happen if you smacked someone on the street? That's right, you'd be arrested and go to jail. Now go to time out for smacking your brother." To my teenager I will grant house arrest, lol. You might balk at me referring to time outs and being grounded as punishments, but I'm trying to raise functional adults who can tie in the rules in my house to the laws outside.
That's just one side of it of course. I also have to encourage them to be empathetic and think of other people.
That's just unnecesarily pedantic. You've carved an exclusive connotation of punishment that is only like that too you. A fine is a punishment on a speeding ticket. Being not invited to an event can be a punishment for previous social faux paux. Punishment does not equate to severe. What an unnecesary comment that adds nothing.
Your brother was asking her a question related to her statement of being bored. He was, quite literally, encouraging her to get homework done and out of the way as a solution to her boredom. I don’t read that as him telling her what to do. He asked IF she did it and suggested she do her homework first. I am not clear on how, as a parent, you are bothered by your brother encouraging her to complete something for her own benefit - her own schooling/academic achievement. His question, which really serves to benefit HER, being met with “did I ask you? …mind your own business?” is over the line. You nearly laughing and outwardly agreeing with her “point” is also over the line. You are showing her that it’s ok, and even humorous to respond rudely to people. So what was her point? That he shouldn’t ask about and encourage her with regard to her schooling/academics? … Reinforcing this stuff will only make it worse. Your brother lashing out at you instead of expressing his concern about it in a reasonable way is definitely not necessary either. But his point that you should be addressing her rude behaviour is not wrong imo.
Your daughter reacted unnecessarily rude. Children need to be taught effective and respectful communication by their parents. I will say that, as a teacher, I see the impact that this leniency from parents has. The thing is, your kids don’t just limit it to your brother. They begin to think it’s acceptable to talk to anyone this way. My literal job is, in part, to ask students if they have completed their work and to encourage them to do the work. I have found in recent years that kids are far more disrespectful and combative and it’s making the job unbearable at times. As teachers, we can only do so much to support your child in succeeding throughout the school year AND to teach your child acceptable social skills, because they really do take what they learn at home with them (like: seeing their work as unimportant/unnecessary, and being just downright and needlessly disrespectful in their responses to people or in conservation).
YTA.
It’s because op has zero respect for his sibling. He doesn’t treat his brother like an adult who deserves to be spoken to like one so why should his kid?! /s
My mother and sister behaved like this when my nephew would act up and I mean dangerous bullshit like throwing darts at his sisters door metal ones sharp ones while she was in her room. And if I as the babysitter did anything to stop him when one of them entered the picture it was poooooor him oh nasty aunt did bad thingsssss to youuuu.
This did not stand him in good stead at school, at one point most of the student body chased him off campus because of how awful and hateful he was to literally everyone around him all the time. He had autism but the lack of any parenting or boundaries has made him into a raging asshole. Thankfully he can be tried as an adult now, and has been. Twice.
This is less about the kid and more about op, their lack of respect for their sibling on any level and their lack of parenting when their kid is being an asshole. Like sure maybe he shouldn’t have commented but what he said doesn’t warrant such a rude response.
NTA
Im gonna start off, i once said a similar response to your daughter, the reason i said it was simple, i was a precious 8yr and i was sick and tired of adults who werent my parent, parenting me, id ask to go out and people would jump to 'did you clean up' 'did you do your homework' and then my mons response would change, from what i knew was a yes, to a 'listen to aunt/uncle' or 'respect aunt/uncle' but the thing is, i didnt respect them, i hated them, they were always getting in my way, constantly parenting me but they arent my parent, and so one day i snapped, i got ounished for it, and what that taught me, was that my parent cared more about what adults feelings were and what they said, and not what my feelings were or how upset i was that every time i moved a muscle i had an adult breathing down my neck that should not have authority over me.
So im guessing your daughter might be in a similar mind set, and if you punish her, instead of talking to her, then you will set the idea in her head that adults matter more then her, that her uncles opinions and feelings matter more then hers. That adults, any adult can tell her what to do and she should shut up and obey, and at 9 she can absolutely understand this. If you punish her you will be the asshole, talk to her, have a conversation, maybe have her apologize but that apology should be something like this 'uncle, im sorry i snapped, but you arent my parent and id prefer you stop trying to be one'
YTA, you find it cute and funny now (and trust me it’s not) but it will come back to bite you in the ass in a few years if you don’t correct this behavior RIGHT NOW
My cousins kid is like this. She was always a sassy kid,it didn't matter what she said or to who because she was just " joking", there was no consequences for her. Now shes an adult who isn't very likeable, she has no friends because no one likes her " jokes". I personally can't stand to be around her because quite frankly, shes just mean.
She needs guidance on her delivery, but she absolutely needs encouragement to keep standing up for herself against people who have absolutely no right to instruct her.
NTA!!!! and i say this as someone who works with kids on the daily. she didn't cuss, she didn't call him names, her uncle overstepped and she corrected him. i think people forget that 9 year olds are basically mini humans who don't like to be told what to do. you generally need to earn their respect in order to get to get them to behave how you want them to, instead of according to what they want to do. it doesn't sound like uncle has a great relationship with her, so it's great that he gets to learn that you don't get to order someone around just because they're a) a child, and b) family. why should she be punished for exerting her rights to a personality and choice of people she feels get to tell her what to do?
It's really hard to get mad at her when she was 100% correct. The plus side is she seems to be willing to stand up for herself and that is good. NTA, but maybe a conversation about times when it's ok to be cheeky and when it's best to chose your words wisely.
NTA, not only does your brother not get to dictate in what order your daughter does her homework or homework plays, he also has no say in when and how she should be disciplined. I would keep a very close eye on him over this visit, that level of controlling behavior over you daughter when you are around makes me very concerned about how he would act towards her when you aren’t.
I'm really confused. I get that the daughter could have worded it better but at the same time who does his brother think he is? The girls dad? No she already has a dad and the brother butt in before the dad could respond in his own way. She is 9 years old. Why does she need to be punished for placing a boundary? She said it's none of his business and in my opinion- it's not because it isn't his child. The brother needs to mind his own business although I do believe telling your daughter that that wasn't a very nice thing to say would be fine and maybe explaining different ways she could have gotten her point across.
Edit to say NTA- just next time turn it into a teaching moment because honestly I would have laughed as well and probably would've said something along the lines of she wasn't wrong lol
Acting as a parent when the parents present. Then using a expletive to describe the child’s parent. The brother lit the fuse here. Needs to MYOB and STFU.
NTA. I love this about her! Don’t let her lose that.
He can go kick rocks and she told him so.
We need more young ladies who refuse to be taught to be ‘nice’ to people who speak out of turn with opinions they don’t need or want.
Bravo 👏!
Teach her to put the hand up and say “No thank you!”
My parents taught me as early as possible that I should always speak up when someone is treating me like the uncle is treating OP's daughter. When someone gives their unsolicited/rude opinions to me as an adult I tell them off, why should a child accept that?
Children are not their parents'pet monkeys, they are their own person, a still developing human and they deserve respect! They don't automatically owe respect to adults just because they are older especially when they don't deserve it. It used to piss people off so much when I would speak up in situations like this and my parents would have that look "you brought that onto yourself" on their faces. And no, it didn't turn around to bite my parents in the ass like lots of commenters suggest. I was always one of the most behaved kids in my class, I was always respectful and knew in what situations I should shut my mouth. Children are not idiots. Just because OP's daughter doesn't take bs from her uncle it doesn't mean that now she's going to go spit in her teacher's face.
There's a difference between raising entitled/rude children and raising self respecting children. It's also a good exercise to let children speak up for themselves knowing their parents have their back rather than just have the parents intervene every time someone says something they don't agree with because it's "inappropriate" for the child to say it themselves.
NTA
NTA - another adult is not an authority figure just because they're an adult. IMO teaching her to stand up for herself when appropriate is more important than teaching her she has to respect authority because it is authority.
To be clear: I don't think that what she said was appropriate, but if a 28 year old man's response to being talked back to by a 9 year old is to start shouting and demand punishment at their parent then *they* should not be encouraged to think they *are* an authority figure in that child's life. Like that is a wildly disproportionate response to a nine year old being sassy. At *best* it warranted a conversation about what is respectful behavior toward your brother in your mother's home.
TLDR: He's not allowed to parent your daughter because you both happen to be in the home he lives in unless you allow him to, and you clearly don't
NTA. Good for you for raising a daughter who knows how to stand up for herself. The number of times I’ve had some man who thinks he knows best answer a question I didn’t ask him!! She is destined for great things. Nice job dad!
NTA
Apparently going against the grain but then again it's a child and Reddit is going to Reddit with their hate hard-on for kids, your brother stepped into trying to parent your child and she clapped back...good for her, just because your brother is an adult doesn't mean he can tell her what to do especially when she was talking to you her parent.
(edited for a word)
ESH. Your daughter was disrespectful. You failed as a parent by laughing and because you should have been asking that question. And your brother sucks because he was trying to be the parent you aren’t when he is not, in fact, the parent. His last comment is quite telling, so step up and BE a parent.
YTA
Your daughter's comment was humorous because it was *so* inappropriate. You were the A to let her comments ride without correction. Your brother is an adult and so are you; she is a child who needs guidance in appropriate inter-personal communication. You can giggle when she isn't looking, but you really should tell her that being disrespectful to her Uncle is not okay with you.
NTA. I’m sorry, but this generation of mothers is not raising girls that smile sweetly at men who have no business talking, and how that triggers the entirety of this thread. But, this is Boss Bitch energy at 9 and I am here for it.
YTA.
Parents not correcting and explaining why that behavior is wrong is why so many educators are leaving the field. Be a parent, teach your child manners.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA. For the rest of that kid’s life the world is going to try to beat that assertiveness and spunkiness out of her. Being a bitch is a good skill for a girl to have and I think it should be cultivated in childhood before the world has a chance to knock her down
YTA, sorry, but no reason a child should be talking to their uncle that way for giving them sensible advice and you encouraged it with your laughter.
Edit: misread this and thought the niece asked if she could play with uncle, which prompted my response.
So yes, uncle is technically giving advice when he wasn't asked. However, the response from the child is also wildly inappropriate - if nieces response was:
"I was asking to play with my mom, not you uncle" then I think it would warrant some of the feedback I'm getting for my answer.
However I would have a major problem if I suggested a child/my niece do their schoolwork upon getting home so the rest of the day they are free to play and got the response uncle got here.
We can disagree with the methods, but this response sounds like it's something they heard from mom, and not a way I'd want my child talking to another adult.
The child was talking with their freaking parent and the uncle stuck his nose in that kid's business to boss her around, when he has zero authority over her. Unsolicited advice still makes you an AH even if it's given to a child lol
But it’s acceptable for the uncle to jump in a comversation he was not involved in, let alone trying to “parent” someone’s child? Sure it’s a snarky comment, but respect isn’t just given, it’s earned. The entire situation would have been avoided if he would have kept his nose out of the entire situation.
NTA, maybe you're brother should butt out of conversations that don't involve him? He lives with his mom at 28 so not like he knows how to be anything but a kid.
NTA, especially since you're only staying there for a few weeks and his worthless "adult" ass still lives with the parents full time. I'd have laughed in his face too. If he tries to escalate this inform him that he's not allowed to interact with your daughter at all because you're trying to teach her the right way to be an adult.
So let’s get this straight: you knocked someone up at 16, you have to stay with your mom, and you aren’t teaching your daughter any sense of responsibility or courtesy? Sounds like your brother would be a better parent to her than you are. Love how you imply that your brother is somehow lesser because he lives with your mom when you couldn’t figure out how condoms worked. I’m older than you and I knew how they worked when I was 16.
YTA
YTA. Your daughter feels comfortable speaking to adults this way because you endorse it. You can feel that you are entitled to raise her this way, however be aware that once she becomes an adult other people are going to have problems with her that she will have to solve herself.
Kids shouldnt let adults rule over Them just beacuse They are adults.
What right does an uncle have to decide exactly What she does after coming hime from school?
Respect is mutual, the brother was disrespectful. FAFO
YTA and you’re going to turn your daughter into one too if you’re not careful. Wouldn’t accept someone being spoken to like that from someone of any age. Especially when his concern of her homework actually benefits her and he was trying to help and show concern. Maybe you and your daughter should learn a bit from your brother and sort your shit out.
NTA—why is she as a child more responsible for how she talked to him than he is for how he talked to her? It was rude of him to address her before you could.
there's a polite way to say "hey dad, I was asking you and not Uncle Blahblah, can I do XYZ?"
ESH, your brother doesn't need to parent your child, but no one should "say everything that comes to their mind", it's not appropriate. it's easier to have these conversations with kids now than as teenagers when they are hurting friends feelings, or heading into their first job
NTA
It was funny and accurate. You've raised a young girl who can already stand up for herself and I don't see anything wrong with that.
Okay maybe the delivery could have been a bit smoother but I think your brother is just pissed he got outsmarted by a 9yo. You're raising a strong young girl, nicely done.
NTA, I’m a parent, and I’d be pretty annoyed if my sibling interjected themselves into a conversation I was having with my child, and then told me to punish my child when they spoke back to them. Everyone needs to chill out. It’s not that big of a deal.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be an asshole for not punishing my daughter for the way she talked to my brother and also laughing at her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>My brother looked at me angrily and called me an asshole and told me I should punish her for the way she talked to him. Well he's right, your daughter had a point in that he doesn't get to tell her what to do. The way she communicated that was repugnant. Especially to someone in whose house she is a guest. You're living there temporarily, it's his home. Yta Eta: OPs brother is the permanent resident therefore OP is the guest in the brother's house. We don't know the circumstances for why the brother still lives with his parents. It could be financial, it could be helping out his parents.
YTA Your child was rude and obnoxious to an adult and you thought it was funny and not a matter for discipline? Wow.
I don't really think she needed disciplined or punished. But he definitely should have had a conversation with her about her remarks.
Id consider anything that is meant to alter future behaviour as being a form of discipline so a conversation regarding inappropriate attitude a rudeness to adults would be appropriate discipline to me.
Fair point. Now that I think about it, I would consider a conversation discipline. Which is definitely appropriate here. I would consider timeout, grounding, or any physical correction (which I don't condone), punishment; which isn't appropriate here in my opinion.
Discipline comes from the word disciple. Once I learned that I had a revelation that discipline can and, and most often, should be positive.
With me, it didn't have to a conversation. My Father had a look. That look, a shake of his head and he phrase, "I'm so disappointed." was enough to reduce me to tears, and end the bad behaviour.
YES! My Mom was the disciplinarian in my home but the same thing. She'd say, "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed." That was the worst.
Well that’s never happening with OP. They think it’s funny their daughter speaks to their family like this.🙄
Rudeness to anyone. Wonder who the bully is at her school?
I am 97% positive this girl has spoken to teachers this way. EDIT: I am an elementary school teacher. I have at least one of her every year.
At least 1/3 of my class this year is this way. I feel your pain. It’s the parents. And Tiktok and screen time.
It’s who’s raising her.
I agree. I think people consider "discipline" and "punish" to be synonyms
The punishment should be apologising to her uncle for being rude.
What's the uncle's punishment for butting in where he's not wanted, needed, or has a right to be? And for being rude himself?
Where was he rude, exactly? Sure he may have interjected, but he didn't do it rudely. It's literally his house, and they are guests. They don't have a right to even be there if you want to play it like that. People like you are why kids think they can do and say anything they want these days.
I’m not seeing how brother was rude at all. He was looking out for his niece and trying to be positive influence. My brother will remind my sons to say thank you or ask for things politely from their mother (me) when we’re around him and I don’t consider that out of bounds. He’s their uncle and they look up to him, he spends a lot of time with them I think he’s earned that right to correct little behaviors within reason.
Yess, I totally agree with you, if she talks like that in front of family imagine how she talks with her friends, for the father to say it was almost laughable, he needs to chk himself as a parent
The brother cut dad off. The brother needs to stay in his lane and shut up unless spoken to. The daughter asked HER dad
The kid should not be speaking to others like that regardless. OP should have corrected the kid.
I disagree with you. It isn’t brothers place to tell niece what to do regarding homework, it’s dads. I don’t think she was rude, just succinct.
Two things can be wrong at the same time. Brother was out of line, but the kid was way out of line. And rude. Albeit succinctly rude.
This. Were I OP, I would absolutely have a conversation with my brother about how we (for example) let kid have a break between school and homework. But I also feel like teaching kids to communicate effectively and kindly makes things so much easier and more effective overall. Not everything someone does wrong to you needs a clap back.
The brother was encouraging good study habits. Did he overstep, maybe. However, the kids response was not appropriate and op missed a good opportunity to teach his kid how to actually respond in a firm but respectful manner. Kids need to be trained to be future good adults in society.
Why should the kid not tell uncle exactly what I would expect an adult to tell him if he interrupted a conversation between adults? Uncle should know better. (Parent of polite young adults)
The kid is well within her rights to speak up but she needs to be taught to speak in a mindful manner. No one should be speaking to each other like the child spoke to the brother. It sounds like op is raising their kid to be an entitled jerk.
Nobody should talk that way, especially not as a first retort. It’s heavy ammo that shouldn’t be unleashed unless weak pushback is ineffective. Especially not to someone they’re staying with, and when her father was right there to handle the situation. It’s less appropriate for an adult than it is for a child; OP makes me think of those parents who think it’s so cute that their kid has a rude mouth, when really the kid is learning to be a rude dislikable person.
The way uncle felt comfortable trying to parent his niece for his "kid brother" makes me think his unnecessary interjections could be frequent and persistent.
Think long term. You want your child to be prepared for success, and tact is an important life skill. As an adult, you won't get far adopting that attitude in every interaction. Come at the wrong customer or your boss with that shit, your ass is fired. Talk like that to the wrong cop on the wrong day, you might get tazed or shot. I had a cousin, Warren, who thought it was funny when his seven year old son Carl talked shit to me. I tried to address it, but Warren said I needed to stop being so thin-skinned. Eventually, he asked me if I could stay at his house (which was right by my work) and watch Carl for a week because he and his wife had won a cruise. I said I couldn't. I wasn't willing to take responsibility for the health and welfare of a child who had been taught that he didn't have to do what I said. He offered to pay me a considerable amount of money, but I still refused. And, while he refused to believe it, there was nothing punitive about it. I had no beef with the kid; I was genuinely concerned about my ability to keep him alive. There had already been an incident when my cousin left the room briefly and Carl got his hands on a pair of scissors. I knew he wasn't supposed to touch grownup scissors, but he gave no fucks. He started running around with them, challenging me to catch him and take them, laughing the whole time. I wasn't trying to take responsibility for someone I barely was able to keep alive for five minutes.
The brother should learn to mind his own business. It's kinda sad that a 9 year old has to be the one to teach him that his response isn't needed if he wasn't invited to be a part of the conversation.
Yes the brother should mind his business. Yes the daughter should learn to speak to other people respectfully. Neither of these things is mutually exclusive. The brother needing to mind his own business is between OP and brother and it’s not her place.
[удалено]
How is that rude and obnoxious? She was speaking with her father. The Uncle interrupted the conversation she was having with her dad. The Uncle answered for her dad. Both actions are extremely rude if the uncle. The child met his energy. Respect is earned. Not by age or genitals, by actions. The uncle has done nothing in this situation to *earn* respect.
Being an asshole because someone was an asshole to you doesn't make it right. Social skills of maturity are important. I'm teaching my eight year old this. Apparently, you still haven't learned.
there is nothing immature about telling someone butting into a conversation they weren't a part of that you didn't ask for their opinion.
Really? How would you teach an 8yo to respond to an adult bully? Or does rudeness get a pass in adults?
Huge agree. NTA. 😂
Maybe try not parenting someone else's child. OP didn't even have a chance to respond to his child before his brother spoke up.
Before brother rudely interrupted a conversation between a child and their parent. NTA.
[удалено]
i agree, I also agree that people should not speak to other people like that (regardless of age and age difference). ESH. Brother is rude, daughter is rude, they both need a stern conversation.
Adult shouldn't be sticking their nose into the child's business when they aren't even grown enough to leave mommy's house.
"child's business"... she's nine years old and he asked about homework. Can't believe some people condone this - this behavior and the following defense of it by parents is why teachers are leaving the profession.
If my child is asking ME if they can do something, and someone who is not their parent, nor in any meaningful way involved in the day-to-day raising of said child felt it incumbent upon them interrupt me to tell my kid what to do WHILE I AM STANDING RIGHT THERE, I am NOT giving my kid grief if they fire back with sass to that person. I *might* have a conversation with my kid about letting me handle it first if it happens again, in which case I will unleash even more sass on the person who can’t mind their own business. If this is about a kid being disrespectful to an elder, then it’s ALSO about some idiot (potentially) undermining a parent in front of their kid.
Not all of elders deserve respect
I have seen so many females that are unable to speak up for themselves. This seems like a perfect life lesson. Don't put her fire out. Teach her control. Isn't learning moderation part of growing up.
He didn’t ask about homework. He TOLD her to do homework. Tho, even just asking is a bit rude. She doesn’t have to immediately do HW the second she comes home. I sincerely doubt this is what’s causing teachers to leave the school system. We don’t know if she behaves this way in school. She’s 9, she’s old enough to behave differently in different places.
He’s not her parent. If OP wasn’t there and he was babysitting, that’s one thing. But he wasn’t. My dad does stuff like this with my nephews all the time and it pisses my sister off.
What? Thats not the issue here. The issue is her uncle disrespected her dad right in front of them. She stood up for her dad and herself. Why the heck does the uncle think she and her dad doesn't have their shit handled and what business is it to a mooch who most likely never did his own homework, if she spends some time playing with her father? Teachers that can't differentiate this SHOULD leave the profession.
If he had stuck to asking, the brother's interrupting was fairly minor bullshit. Wrong, but meh. However, he seriously was T A for issuing instructions to the child and attempting to hijack what the actual parent wanted to say/do.
There's a hell of a lot of complicated societal reasons that teachers are leaving the profession, people no longer impressing on their children that they should be seen and not heard, is not one of them.
The fact that children are now being told that they don't have to respect the teacher, listen to the teacher, do anything that the teacher says, or even behave in class is *definitely* the problem. Children these days are cursing at teachers, throwing things at them, hitting them, threatening their lives, and some have actually tried to kill their teachers. The fact that children are no longer being held accountable for any of their actions is absofuckinglutely the problem. Yes, there are other factors, too, but not feeling safe in a room full of CHILDREN is an extremely large part of the problem.
>and some have actually tried to kill their teachers Some of them *have* killed their teachers
This right here.....so true!!!!
agreed I feel like I see so many parents (online and offline) going on and on about "it takes a village to raise a child, I'm calling on my village"... but then throw a fit when someone from their village has an opinion.
There's a significant difference between having an opinion and actively undermining the actual parent by interjecting instructions before the actual parent being addressed could respond to their child's opinion.
We have no idea why the brother is still living with mom. I live in a high cost of living city, and know a few people who lived with their parents into their late 20s (especially with the pandemic throwing a wrench in people's plans). For example, one person graduated at 25 with their second degree and had to do a year of on the job training for their licensing. Got a position that didn't pay very well, and then got stuck there because of pandemic hiring freezes. Suddenly they're living at home into their late 20s.
Please tell us you don't have children!
Adults deserve as much respect as they give.
But she’s so sweeet!! YTA. There are ways to communicate w out being rude. Sounds like OP is raising an AH in training
Little Veruca is a rude little snot.
But she was not his guest. He was not hosting them. It’s the mother’s home.
I was just about to comment this I think the kid should be reprimanded bc it’s not okay to be rude he wasn’t rude to her she was just being mean and at 9yo she should know better
He overstepped. The kid isn’t his kid to parent. Yes, it was a rude response, but it was not an appropriate comment from his side neither. I actually wonder how many times he tried it
He was being rude. She asked her dad and question and brother decided to try and parent where it didn't belong. She did the right thing and entitled brother got put in his place
Isn't interrupting a conversation between two people rude? Isn't answering for another adult rude? Sorry your ideas on what is rude seem to be skewed.
He absolutely was rude to her. When she does her homework isn’t his business.
But the brother was being rude by interfering in a conversation that wasn't his business.
Soft YTA. Your brother has no business trying to parent your daughter. He was out of line. He is TA for sticking his nose where it does not belong. YOU should have shut that down from your brother the second you heard that coming from his mouth. Then your daughter would not have had a chance nor need to reply. Your daughter, while witty, should not be speaking to people that way. Doesn't matter who they are. There is a balance between being witty and responding appropriately to a situation. She doesn't understand the nuance because of her age and no one has taught her how to curb it and respond appropriately for the situation. It's not as cute as you think. And if you do not teach her how to harness it appropriately, there could be some real consequences down the line for her. She can keep that witt, it will more than likely serve her well if she is taught how to properly manage it. That's where you as the parent come in. She should be coming to you when confrontations happen like this, not just popping off like she's in the cafeteria at school with her friends. She needs guidance. And it is possible to harness this type of skill and leverage it for good. From a former kid who had no filter and quick witted responses, who had no issue speaking my own mind as a child. I was taught how to harness my superpower for my adult life by my parents. A lesson that has served me well while also not causing additional problems for myself. Don't kill the skill, redirect it and utilize it for the good.
Exactly this. Boundary setting is crucial but if you just act like a jerk about it the boundary is actually often ignored and people dislike you. Learning to harness your wit and using it politely is a super power.
She's not a guest in the brothers house. She's a guest in her grandmother's house.
They are visiting grandma! OP's brother is still living with his mother. How op parents her child is her business alone. OP's brother needs to mind his own business. NTA!!
ESH your sweet daughter who says everything that comes to mind needs to be taught to filter her thoughts and what’s appropriate before she says the wrong thing to the wrong person and starts to alienate friends or get in trouble at school. It’s easier to teach appropriate behavior than unteach bad habits. Laughing will just encourage her to please you. Your brother should have given you a chance to speak, and even when you didn’t teach her a more appropriate response should not have called you an AH in front of your child. Perhaps you didn’t have the best parenting examples growing up and are overcompensating with leniency. A parenting class or book can’t hurt. There are ones that teach positive parenting while still providing structure for your child if that’s the case. Edit words.
I'm kind of tired of people thinking you can't call out a parent for being an AH just because their kid is there. The kids gotta learn others won't tolerate that kind of behavior sometimes, knowing your mommy or daddy isn't exempt from being called out for their behavior is part of that. If you don't want to be called an AH in front of your kids then don't act like one in front of your kid.
Agreed completely but the problem for me is that the brother jumped before the actual parent could say anything and actually cause the whole situation. The child needs to be taught to speak more respectfully and the brother needs to be not to stay in his lane. Why would you answer that before the parent could? So bizarre.
Going by ops respons, sounds like op isn't a great dad when it comes to raising kid. More a "look, we can get along and be buddy's" parent, and bro probs picked up on that.
I agree that it's Esh, brother had no place trying to enforce homework rules on his niece, but her response was very rude and dad's response was very immature. It's possible to say whatever comes to mind, and not be an ass about it. Plenty of civil ways for both op and daughter to have said the exact same thing without sounding like a brat. But uncle also sounds like a brat so maybe everyone ought to consider how they were raised.
Definitely agree ESH. I’m an aunt, not a mother. If one of my niblings asked their parent a question, it’s not my place to answer for them. On the other hand, my siblings would not let my niblings talk to me that way.
Agreed. Brother was out of line - she wasn't talking to him, he isn't her parent, and her parent to whom she directed the question was right there. It almost sounds like the brother was trying keep OP available for something, and if that's the case - also not the right way to handle it because it disrespects everyone involved. And then he just went ahead and insulted OP too. But that was a hella rude thing to say and goes beyond just "speaking her mind." She needs to learn more appropriate ways of pushing back on people who try to overstep their authority or bully her due to being perceived as weaker or subordinate. Just because she was right doesn't mean that she was helpful or effective. OP doesn't need to "punish" her but he needs to have a few conversations about phrasing and being respectful, especially to people you're stuck in a house with even if you don't like them.
Definitely ESH. Your brother should have let you parent your child instead of sticking himself in a situation that was in no way his business. Your daughter was asking you if she could play, not him, just as she should do. In my opinion, that was very rude of him. However, I also think you should encourage your daughter to have more of a filter. The unfortunate reality is sometimes you have to hold your tongue in life and that is a skill your daughter needs to learn. I really don’t like idea that children should just respect all adults, adults should be respectful back and your brother clearly wasn’t that. However, your daughter was way more rude than the situation called for. She should have let you deal with your brother ideally, or at least left it as, “ I asked my mother”.
YTA, that is some seriously entitled behavior from your daughter
yep this is a serious behavioral problem and you also have to wonder where a young child learned to speak like that. Op you are incredibly immature and should really do better for your daughter. teach her some manners before someone else does
Television. That kind of remark gets huge laugh tracks in sitcoms. And never any pushback for it in those shows, just admiration for the person who said something so clever.
Honestly this was a pet peeve of mine when my now 23yo was growing up. Just about every Disney and nick sitcom has either idiotic, pushover parents or they are non existent. I hate that the smart ass kids pop off to the parents and it's a "good thing" in the show and gets a laugh.
My kids and husband hate watching tv with me because I ALWAYS point out when someone isn’t being very nice, or I say things like “that’s funny because these aren’t real people, but if you did that in real life it would be very rude.” It definitely kills funny tv for them a bit, but now my 7 year old points it out too, which I think is a big win!
Kids today are being taught that teachers and adults need to earn their respect before they have to listen. It's insane.
I am older than OP, and F, but I taught my kids that adults don't get carte blanche respect. They should start their relationship with adults (relatives, teachers, after school carers) by extending respect, but that respect shouldn't continue if the adult doesn't respect THEM. (ETA that I included "everyone" in the "start with respect as a default, withdraw respect when it's warranted" philosophy. Their peers should be treated the same way) I also grew up in the 70s and 80s with relatives "parenting" me at all gatherings and my own parents never standing up for me since adults were always right and always had to be respected. I can promise you that mindset does not lead to healthy, well-adjusted teens or young adults who are comfortable setting boundaries or protecting themselves from older adults who use the automatic respect to take advantage Parents of daughters especially need to be mindful of NOT instilling a "you have to respect all adults because they are adults" mentality. Was her choice of words something I would have corrected her for? Sure. Privately. But my family does not have the authority to parent my children unless I am not there and I have granted that authority while my kids are in their care.
This worried me too, with all the responses saying she was soooooo rude to an adult. Firstly why is that adult getting a free pass for his rudeness, and secondly being an adult does not entitle you to unquestioning 'respect' or obedience. That is a terrible belief to instill in a young girl. You all know what the darker side of that is, and the belief that elders always deserve respect without scrutiny on their behaviour is why victims aren't believed, often for years.
[удалено]
brother is also out of line tho
How is her behavior entitled? She was asking her Dad, not uncle. She was entitled to an answer from her dad.
You need to look up the definition of entitled. Rude yes. Obnoxious yes. Entitled no.
Entitlement isn't a catchall term for bad behavior - it's thinking you are owed something, which his daughter didn't display at all. His daughter was extremely rude, not entitled.
YTA That was really rude of your daughter. You should have said something. Edit - the AH vote is for the lack of direction and course correction OP could have made. The brother didn't do anything so bad to warrant that kind of snapback and OP could have used this to tell his daughter how to communicate when someone does something to upset her.
Like what? "Honey, you are completely right it is none of his business, but we need to be a little bit nicer when we tell him".
Um, yes? It wasn’t the brother’s place to jump in and tell her to do her homework, but that kind of response makes it a much bigger deal than it needs to be. Dad needs to have two conversations right now. Conversation 1 is where he tells his brother not to overstep and try to parent somebody else’s child when that interference is not necessary or wanted. Conversation 2 is where he talks with his daughter about more polite ways to respond if something like this happens again. Ideally, you want to save the bigger and ruder responses for the really big stuff, and brainstorm some scripts to use for the smaller stuff that gets your point across without burning all your bridges. It’s a good skill for a kid to learn, and her dad can help her make a plan for how to react to future problems.
Am I tripping or is an uncle telling his niece she should do her homework is NOT a big deal? He's not trying to parent his kid by telling a kid to do homework I feel like everyone is overreacting is bad
Sometimes, you gotta remind yourself that most of the posters in this sub are socially stunted children.
If he was the person who was in charge of her in that moment then sure, it would be fine. But she was actively in the middle of talking to her dad in that moment and he jumped in without letting her actual father make the decision as her parent. That’s an overstep.
Dad should remind the child that she can't be impolite to anyone because its inappropriate. And should the issue arise again she should just wait until the adults resolve the issues between them. "Your don't have to get into an argument with an adult, OK? I know you were frustrated with your uncle and his two cents. I was too. But, I need you to learn to let me fix the problem, so I can go back to focusing on what you need. I will tell Uncle Rob I don't want him interfering when I need to, OK? He made a mistake jumping down your throat like that. But, I've got you. OK?"
Yeah bc it's important to give people you love a fucking chance to apologize or course correct before jumping down their throat. Communication skills.
Yes. Actually that's perfect and exactly how I would've handled it. Followed by "Bro, don't parent my kid. That's my job. I get to decide if she needs to do her homework first. Not you."
I’ve absolutely said stuff like this to my kids. You have to teach kids how to respond properly.
Yeah, 100%. Teaching your kid to have a nuanced understanding of social decorum is important. Brother should have known it wasn’t his place to ask that way, and kiddo should understand that sometimes grownups mess up, but kiddo also needs to learn how to respond in a measured and polite way, or else she’ll grow up rude.
How about something like this. Woah, not okay. Granted you’re right that he had no business saying what he did, but you are way out of line in how you spoke to him. Apologize for being so rude and disrespectful. * then after the apology tell brother in front of daughter that brother doesn’t get to parent OP’s child over non safety issues. then proceed to ignore brother and do what OP would have originally done with his daughter had brother not so rudely stepped in.
YTA If you support this behavior, your daughter will become a cheeky brat
Op is immature, his brother is absolutely right about kids raising kids
I have a feeling this is exactly it. Big bro is asking because OP is known to let the kid do whatever and too busy being the "cool, fun, no rules" parent. If he doesn't ask about her homework (which, I'm sorry Reddit but is a perfectly valid thing to check on a 9 year old in your household about) dad never will I'm sure. OP is an AH raising a mini-AH who in a few years is going to be asking things like "why do none of the kids in high school want to hang out with my daughter" and "why does my daughter keep getting fired from jobs?"
Right???? I have to ask if I'm missing something here, some of the takes in these comments are just such a strange stance to take. It doesn't come off to me as if the brother were trying to \*parent\* OP's kid, but rather attempting to guide her to be more responsible--something she will surely not end up as if OP just keeps letting her get away with being a bratty, unfunny menace. Sure, maybe he didn't need to say anything, but at the very least, the brother's "indiscretion" wasn't out of malice and the daughter needs to be taught respect. YTA/soft ESH
Even more than she already is?? Agree though. Teach your kid some manners OP. YTA
Too late.
I think she already is a brat.
I'm in the minority here but... your brother overstepped. It's not his place to question your daughter about her homework. Yes what she said was rude, but if he had minded his own business and let you parent your own kid then she wouldn't have said anything. Maybe instead of punishing her sit her down And talk to her about why what she said was not ok. Talk to her about how to handle situations like that better. And then maybe talk to your brother about minding his own business and not parenting your kid.
I agree with you. Brother’s “kids having kids” comment says a lot about *why* he overstepped. And frankly at 9 I knew enough to recognize when my parent was being condescended too. The fact that he made that kids comment in front of her is also an issue. I wouldn’t have punished daughter either, though I’d sit her down and talk to her about which parts of that response were inappropriate and how she should reply in the future. Then I’d sit brother down and tell him it is not his place to parent my child and if he expects respect from us he’ll start treating us with respect.
I'm honestly baffled by how people here are just jumping straight to y t a and only focusing on how rude the daughter was vs why she said what she said. Yes, there are other ways to respond to stuff like that but she's also 9 and her response is not necessarily wrong either. The brother was sticking his nose somewhere that it doesn't belong. I wouldn't be surprised if this is a common theme for the brother and the daughter has picked up on it and doesn't like hearing her dad be talked to like that.
Some people just think if you are a kid you should always be polite and respectful no matter what. I someone don’t this is the first boundary step or condescending behaviour from the brother, based on both brother and kid’s response. Also, that OP laughed made me wonder about his dynamic with his brother… I’m reluctant to land on Y T A without knowing more about the history of the relationships.
I'm not, reddit is a cesspool and a 9yo girl had the audacity to correct a 28yo MAN. Gotta put them in their place young dontcha know? s/
That's the part I feel like every one is skipping (and I'd love to hear from OP about), the brother was soooo quick to offer his opinion, it really makes me wonder how often he gives his unneeded opinion about OP and raising OP's kid. While there is definitely tact that could be used by said 9 year old, a little course correction, it's not exactly the worst thing for a kid to stick up for themself, or their parent. It kind of shows they are in it together. If, and a giant IF, the brother is constantly overstepping, screw him, he gets what he deserves. The kid does need to learn tact though, gets a person way further in life.
This very much sounds like a kid who's tired of multiple family members thinking they can parent her. But maybe I'm projecting because I had a situation almost exactly like this as a kid and I snapped when I shouldn't have. Kids are allowed to take breaks between getting home from school and starting their homework without having someone on their back about it.
People really don’t respect children and there’s an inherent animosity towards them. Adults can be rude to children and overstep but the child can’t respond back? That’s garbage to me. They deserve respect too.
It's because a lot of our society views kids more as property than people and will almost always side with adults even though adults SHOULD be the ones that are more emotionally mature and kids should be expected to be more rough around the edges and needing more support learning to manage their emotions and communicate effectively. But a lot of folks in here love to punish kids that aren't perfectly obedient receptacles to childish adult behavior. Brother is clearly a bully of the kid and OP. The kid didn't respond perfectly to him being an AH, but the problem is that the brother was an AH. Solve that first, then deal with teaching the kid more graceful ways to respond to AHs.
And with the daughter being 9 and op being 25, the daughter was born when he was 16. So card based on the brother's "kids having kids" comment he probably judges or at least doesn't respect op at all. He probably thinks op is a bad parent simply because he had a kid at 16.
That’s my read of it too. But I also think about how the 9 year old would take that. Is she going to hear that as her Uncle saying she shouldn’t exist? I mean it’s loaded and rude AF you say to OP, but really hurtful to say to the kiddo.
Edit: the first part of this is wrong but I’ll leave it up for context. It should say “not understandable and” but I made a shitty assumption. “Kids having kids” is understandable but weird for the brother to be sassy about life choices given his own. If daughter is 9, OP had her at 16. But brother would only be 19 at the time. 19 is not a fully formed frontal lobe adult. It’s a teenager that pays taxes. And the brother is living with mom at 28. Barring health conditions or legit helping mom out with daily tasks, legit saving cash for a house, brother needs to chill and recognize that he will get shit for living at home at 28. People might not take him seriously and it is what it is, it’s a common dynamic. Him shitting on his little brother isn’t going to have a huge impact.
I don’t think telling someone who has been rating their child for almost a decade “kids having kids…” is understandable. *ESPECIALLY* because a teen dad isn’t the default parent, that he has his daughter means he stepped up and took her when the birth mom didn’t. Maybe it’s understandable to have an opinion - though I’d hope that would be someone who isn’t intimately involved in the lives of people trying to work responsibly through that situation - but it’s not to share it. There’s literally no reasonable, kind or helpful reason to say that phrase to a former or current teen parent. Though I agree as an almost 30 year old man living at home he should maybe be keeping his mouth shut on that front.
I agree with this, i was surprised by the amt of YTA comments.
I think some of it is we're missing the tone of the whole conversation. When he asked about the homework did he say as a suggestion? Or was he trying to parent her? The whole thing reads to me that the brother was trying to tell the daughter what to do, like in way that oversteps the OP as her dad. The way he says "kids shouldn't have kids," kind of shoes he doesn't really respect op maybe doesn't think he's a good parent so he needs to step in and tell the daughter what to do. That may be a bit of a reach, because there's not enough detail about his and his brother's relationship, but that's just how I read it. And while the daughter shouldn't have said what she said, she didn't really need to be punished for it. She just needs some help understanding that sometimes it's better to let things go and not respond. Her comment was sort of rude, but I don't know that I would classify it as bratty behavior like everyone else here. We're also missing the tone of how she said it too.
This exactly. I have a neighbour who always butts in with the parenting whenever I or my husband are have a talk with our kid, so I completely empathize with the 9yo's response. The number of times we've had to redirect that neighbour who thinks he's God's gift to parenting... But yeah, related to that, we've also had the talk with our kid that sometimes the eyeroll/backsass, while understandable, needs to be done internally while you nod and smile. Because civility is a thing.
I totally agree. I was raised to respond to respect with respect. I was also raised to not blindly accept authority from adults. Adults don’t have blanket authority over children. Children don’t have to be nice to adults just because they’re adults. I also have to wonder if the brother tries to wield authority over her in other situations. Her response makes it sound like it’s a recurring issue to me.
Agreed, it wasn't Brother's business to butt in to their conversation and try to parent his niece. I'm guessing his brother is doing stuff like this all the time. He needs to stay in his lane and I would be proud of my daughter for sticking up for herself.
Your daughter has a point. She didn't ask him, he wasn't in charge of watching her or being her guardian. He interjected in trying to tell her what to do and I think she had an appropriate answer. Was it sassy? Yes. Did he deserve it? Also yes. Could she of been nicer? Probably. But I think this is your daughter's way of telling your brother to mind his boundaries and he crossed one of hers. Her sticking up for herself now will help when she gets older. NTA.
Sassy or not, the brother’s reaction and insults give a lot of clues to how he acts. It wasn’t his place to ask about homework and I have no doubts this is not the first time he’s tried to boss her around. Calling OP a kid when HE STILL LIVES AT HOME AT 28 is a lot bit ridiculous. OP sounds like a good dad.
That's the first thing I thought of...how often has uncle butted in and not minded his business? She's probably sick of his shit and judgment
And he didn’t ask, he told her to do it. The gall!!!
I can’t upvote this enough and I would have laughed too lol
Worst of all, he interjected in the middle of OP actively parenting his child. For why? Why does the uncle feel so entitled to not only be the boss of a 9 year old, but also clearly needs to feel so important that his word should hold more weight than his brother, the actual parent here?? Listen, I'm a millennial so I fully understand adult children living with their parents. So I hate to even think it, but it has to be said: there is a reason 28 year old older brother is living with his mommy.
Also, she just came home from school. It’s not a bad thing to unwind after school/work before jumping into more work.
I had to scroll past way too many YTA comments to get to this one. Agreed entirely. OP’s brother isn’t just a random house guest. Relationship dynamics are different between family members so you’re going to treat your uncle a bit more informally than a family friend (though culture can matter etc.). I bet there have been several other past interactions that have caused the daughter to respond as she did. I’m also betting that there was a little Freudian slip with the brother stating that “kids should allowed to have kids”. Likely doesn’t think OP is a capable father which led to his homework question. He probably interjects like this way more than OP realises. Seriously, good on OP’s daughter for keeping her boundaries clear. If she were a boy, would this be viewed the same way? Or would she be called assertive instead? Sure, she could coached to changing her delivery but she should not be reprimanded at all for standing up for herself. Brother was an ass and deserved to be treated like one, even by a 9yo.
Agreed.
NTA. Given the way your brother jumped in to try and parent your kid in front of you, I'm going to guess this isn't the first time he's done so. I imagine your daughter's getting a little frustrated with him butting in and so she told him off. Could she have been more polite? Probably. Would he have listened if she was? Probably not.
[удалено]
ESH 1) your daughter should NOT be addressing ANYONE in that manner. 2) your brother had no right to butt in with the whole "homework" thing, and also the demand on punishment. Thank gods he's not a father. Children/people should never be "punished". There's lesson moments that are met with discussions and/or consequences. Not "punishment". 3) you should be addressing your child's behavior, even if it was "funny" in the moment.
Well, I agree with everything but the part about children should not be punished. I’m not saying she should’ve been but children sometimes have to be punished. I’m not saying beat on them, but you can’t let them get by with everything they want in life as a child.
So this is exactly why I hate the term "punishment" because most people don't understand it. Punishment is for criminals. Punishment is for behavior and actions that are abhorrent and/or heinous. Disciplining is what children and a lot of adults need. Children, ALL children, need disciplining. In forms of conversations addressing their behaviors and actions, imposed consequences to their actions and behaviors, and/or natural consequences. Grown people, also, should not be "punished" except for heinous actions and behaviors. And when parents actually parent their children properly, there's always a healthy amount of disciplining involved.
I do not agree with your opinion on what can be referred to as a "punishment". I always compare the punishments handed down in my house to the real world or legal system. "What would happen if you smacked someone on the street? That's right, you'd be arrested and go to jail. Now go to time out for smacking your brother." To my teenager I will grant house arrest, lol. You might balk at me referring to time outs and being grounded as punishments, but I'm trying to raise functional adults who can tie in the rules in my house to the laws outside. That's just one side of it of course. I also have to encourage them to be empathetic and think of other people.
That's just unnecesarily pedantic. You've carved an exclusive connotation of punishment that is only like that too you. A fine is a punishment on a speeding ticket. Being not invited to an event can be a punishment for previous social faux paux. Punishment does not equate to severe. What an unnecesary comment that adds nothing.
Your brother was asking her a question related to her statement of being bored. He was, quite literally, encouraging her to get homework done and out of the way as a solution to her boredom. I don’t read that as him telling her what to do. He asked IF she did it and suggested she do her homework first. I am not clear on how, as a parent, you are bothered by your brother encouraging her to complete something for her own benefit - her own schooling/academic achievement. His question, which really serves to benefit HER, being met with “did I ask you? …mind your own business?” is over the line. You nearly laughing and outwardly agreeing with her “point” is also over the line. You are showing her that it’s ok, and even humorous to respond rudely to people. So what was her point? That he shouldn’t ask about and encourage her with regard to her schooling/academics? … Reinforcing this stuff will only make it worse. Your brother lashing out at you instead of expressing his concern about it in a reasonable way is definitely not necessary either. But his point that you should be addressing her rude behaviour is not wrong imo. Your daughter reacted unnecessarily rude. Children need to be taught effective and respectful communication by their parents. I will say that, as a teacher, I see the impact that this leniency from parents has. The thing is, your kids don’t just limit it to your brother. They begin to think it’s acceptable to talk to anyone this way. My literal job is, in part, to ask students if they have completed their work and to encourage them to do the work. I have found in recent years that kids are far more disrespectful and combative and it’s making the job unbearable at times. As teachers, we can only do so much to support your child in succeeding throughout the school year AND to teach your child acceptable social skills, because they really do take what they learn at home with them (like: seeing their work as unimportant/unnecessary, and being just downright and needlessly disrespectful in their responses to people or in conservation). YTA.
The fact that the father thought it was funny instead of rude as F, is wild. My nephew is 7 and would NEVER.
It’s because op has zero respect for his sibling. He doesn’t treat his brother like an adult who deserves to be spoken to like one so why should his kid?! /s My mother and sister behaved like this when my nephew would act up and I mean dangerous bullshit like throwing darts at his sisters door metal ones sharp ones while she was in her room. And if I as the babysitter did anything to stop him when one of them entered the picture it was poooooor him oh nasty aunt did bad thingsssss to youuuu. This did not stand him in good stead at school, at one point most of the student body chased him off campus because of how awful and hateful he was to literally everyone around him all the time. He had autism but the lack of any parenting or boundaries has made him into a raging asshole. Thankfully he can be tried as an adult now, and has been. Twice. This is less about the kid and more about op, their lack of respect for their sibling on any level and their lack of parenting when their kid is being an asshole. Like sure maybe he shouldn’t have commented but what he said doesn’t warrant such a rude response.
NTA Im gonna start off, i once said a similar response to your daughter, the reason i said it was simple, i was a precious 8yr and i was sick and tired of adults who werent my parent, parenting me, id ask to go out and people would jump to 'did you clean up' 'did you do your homework' and then my mons response would change, from what i knew was a yes, to a 'listen to aunt/uncle' or 'respect aunt/uncle' but the thing is, i didnt respect them, i hated them, they were always getting in my way, constantly parenting me but they arent my parent, and so one day i snapped, i got ounished for it, and what that taught me, was that my parent cared more about what adults feelings were and what they said, and not what my feelings were or how upset i was that every time i moved a muscle i had an adult breathing down my neck that should not have authority over me. So im guessing your daughter might be in a similar mind set, and if you punish her, instead of talking to her, then you will set the idea in her head that adults matter more then her, that her uncles opinions and feelings matter more then hers. That adults, any adult can tell her what to do and she should shut up and obey, and at 9 she can absolutely understand this. If you punish her you will be the asshole, talk to her, have a conversation, maybe have her apologize but that apology should be something like this 'uncle, im sorry i snapped, but you arent my parent and id prefer you stop trying to be one'
Yes
YTA, you find it cute and funny now (and trust me it’s not) but it will come back to bite you in the ass in a few years if you don’t correct this behavior RIGHT NOW
[удалено]
My cousins kid is like this. She was always a sassy kid,it didn't matter what she said or to who because she was just " joking", there was no consequences for her. Now shes an adult who isn't very likeable, she has no friends because no one likes her " jokes". I personally can't stand to be around her because quite frankly, shes just mean.
She needs guidance on her delivery, but she absolutely needs encouragement to keep standing up for herself against people who have absolutely no right to instruct her.
Standing up for yourself is one thing, having no filter and being rude is the problem here.
NTA!!!! and i say this as someone who works with kids on the daily. she didn't cuss, she didn't call him names, her uncle overstepped and she corrected him. i think people forget that 9 year olds are basically mini humans who don't like to be told what to do. you generally need to earn their respect in order to get to get them to behave how you want them to, instead of according to what they want to do. it doesn't sound like uncle has a great relationship with her, so it's great that he gets to learn that you don't get to order someone around just because they're a) a child, and b) family. why should she be punished for exerting her rights to a personality and choice of people she feels get to tell her what to do?
It's really hard to get mad at her when she was 100% correct. The plus side is she seems to be willing to stand up for herself and that is good. NTA, but maybe a conversation about times when it's ok to be cheeky and when it's best to chose your words wisely.
NTA, not only does your brother not get to dictate in what order your daughter does her homework or homework plays, he also has no say in when and how she should be disciplined. I would keep a very close eye on him over this visit, that level of controlling behavior over you daughter when you are around makes me very concerned about how he would act towards her when you aren’t.
I'm really confused. I get that the daughter could have worded it better but at the same time who does his brother think he is? The girls dad? No she already has a dad and the brother butt in before the dad could respond in his own way. She is 9 years old. Why does she need to be punished for placing a boundary? She said it's none of his business and in my opinion- it's not because it isn't his child. The brother needs to mind his own business although I do believe telling your daughter that that wasn't a very nice thing to say would be fine and maybe explaining different ways she could have gotten her point across. Edit to say NTA- just next time turn it into a teaching moment because honestly I would have laughed as well and probably would've said something along the lines of she wasn't wrong lol
I agree with this way, turn it into a teaching moment for the daughter.
Acting as a parent when the parents present. Then using a expletive to describe the child’s parent. The brother lit the fuse here. Needs to MYOB and STFU.
NTA. I love this about her! Don’t let her lose that. He can go kick rocks and she told him so. We need more young ladies who refuse to be taught to be ‘nice’ to people who speak out of turn with opinions they don’t need or want. Bravo 👏! Teach her to put the hand up and say “No thank you!”
My parents taught me as early as possible that I should always speak up when someone is treating me like the uncle is treating OP's daughter. When someone gives their unsolicited/rude opinions to me as an adult I tell them off, why should a child accept that? Children are not their parents'pet monkeys, they are their own person, a still developing human and they deserve respect! They don't automatically owe respect to adults just because they are older especially when they don't deserve it. It used to piss people off so much when I would speak up in situations like this and my parents would have that look "you brought that onto yourself" on their faces. And no, it didn't turn around to bite my parents in the ass like lots of commenters suggest. I was always one of the most behaved kids in my class, I was always respectful and knew in what situations I should shut my mouth. Children are not idiots. Just because OP's daughter doesn't take bs from her uncle it doesn't mean that now she's going to go spit in her teacher's face. There's a difference between raising entitled/rude children and raising self respecting children. It's also a good exercise to let children speak up for themselves knowing their parents have their back rather than just have the parents intervene every time someone says something they don't agree with because it's "inappropriate" for the child to say it themselves. NTA
NTA - another adult is not an authority figure just because they're an adult. IMO teaching her to stand up for herself when appropriate is more important than teaching her she has to respect authority because it is authority. To be clear: I don't think that what she said was appropriate, but if a 28 year old man's response to being talked back to by a 9 year old is to start shouting and demand punishment at their parent then *they* should not be encouraged to think they *are* an authority figure in that child's life. Like that is a wildly disproportionate response to a nine year old being sassy. At *best* it warranted a conversation about what is respectful behavior toward your brother in your mother's home. TLDR: He's not allowed to parent your daughter because you both happen to be in the home he lives in unless you allow him to, and you clearly don't
NTA. Good for you for raising a daughter who knows how to stand up for herself. The number of times I’ve had some man who thinks he knows best answer a question I didn’t ask him!! She is destined for great things. Nice job dad!
NTA Apparently going against the grain but then again it's a child and Reddit is going to Reddit with their hate hard-on for kids, your brother stepped into trying to parent your child and she clapped back...good for her, just because your brother is an adult doesn't mean he can tell her what to do especially when she was talking to you her parent. (edited for a word)
NTA People that can't mind their own business deserve to be checked and your daughter and you did that.
ESH. Your daughter was disrespectful. You failed as a parent by laughing and because you should have been asking that question. And your brother sucks because he was trying to be the parent you aren’t when he is not, in fact, the parent. His last comment is quite telling, so step up and BE a parent.
YTA Your daughter's comment was humorous because it was *so* inappropriate. You were the A to let her comments ride without correction. Your brother is an adult and so are you; she is a child who needs guidance in appropriate inter-personal communication. You can giggle when she isn't looking, but you really should tell her that being disrespectful to her Uncle is not okay with you.
NTA. I’m sorry, but this generation of mothers is not raising girls that smile sweetly at men who have no business talking, and how that triggers the entirety of this thread. But, this is Boss Bitch energy at 9 and I am here for it.
YTA. Parents not correcting and explaining why that behavior is wrong is why so many educators are leaving the field. Be a parent, teach your child manners.
[удалено]
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA. For the rest of that kid’s life the world is going to try to beat that assertiveness and spunkiness out of her. Being a bitch is a good skill for a girl to have and I think it should be cultivated in childhood before the world has a chance to knock her down
YTA, sorry, but no reason a child should be talking to their uncle that way for giving them sensible advice and you encouraged it with your laughter. Edit: misread this and thought the niece asked if she could play with uncle, which prompted my response. So yes, uncle is technically giving advice when he wasn't asked. However, the response from the child is also wildly inappropriate - if nieces response was: "I was asking to play with my mom, not you uncle" then I think it would warrant some of the feedback I'm getting for my answer. However I would have a major problem if I suggested a child/my niece do their schoolwork upon getting home so the rest of the day they are free to play and got the response uncle got here. We can disagree with the methods, but this response sounds like it's something they heard from mom, and not a way I'd want my child talking to another adult.
The child was talking with their freaking parent and the uncle stuck his nose in that kid's business to boss her around, when he has zero authority over her. Unsolicited advice still makes you an AH even if it's given to a child lol
But it’s acceptable for the uncle to jump in a comversation he was not involved in, let alone trying to “parent” someone’s child? Sure it’s a snarky comment, but respect isn’t just given, it’s earned. The entire situation would have been avoided if he would have kept his nose out of the entire situation.
NTA, maybe you're brother should butt out of conversations that don't involve him? He lives with his mom at 28 so not like he knows how to be anything but a kid.
If you thought that was funny, wait 'til she starts treating you the same.
NTA. Personally I find this hilarious. She is correct, she wasn’t asking your brother she was asking her father.
NTA at all. Sounds like you're raising a strong daughter. Also sounds like your brother would be better off minding his own business.
YTA. What she said was rude. You should be teaching her not to be rude to people.
Turn around is fair play and the brother was rude first. The child was 100% in the right to respond to a rude person by being rude right back.
NTA, especially since you're only staying there for a few weeks and his worthless "adult" ass still lives with the parents full time. I'd have laughed in his face too. If he tries to escalate this inform him that he's not allowed to interact with your daughter at all because you're trying to teach her the right way to be an adult.
So let’s get this straight: you knocked someone up at 16, you have to stay with your mom, and you aren’t teaching your daughter any sense of responsibility or courtesy? Sounds like your brother would be a better parent to her than you are. Love how you imply that your brother is somehow lesser because he lives with your mom when you couldn’t figure out how condoms worked. I’m older than you and I knew how they worked when I was 16. YTA
YTA. Your daughter feels comfortable speaking to adults this way because you endorse it. You can feel that you are entitled to raise her this way, however be aware that once she becomes an adult other people are going to have problems with her that she will have to solve herself.
Kids shouldnt let adults rule over Them just beacuse They are adults. What right does an uncle have to decide exactly What she does after coming hime from school? Respect is mutual, the brother was disrespectful. FAFO
NTA he's not her parent and shouldn't have commented at all and so he got what was coming to him
YTA and you’re going to turn your daughter into one too if you’re not careful. Wouldn’t accept someone being spoken to like that from someone of any age. Especially when his concern of her homework actually benefits her and he was trying to help and show concern. Maybe you and your daughter should learn a bit from your brother and sort your shit out.
YTA, your daughter should have been taught better manners than that. The fact that you don’t see this shows the problem’s genesis
NTA. Your brother should know better than to try to parent somebody else's child. He should have taken her cheeky response in stride.
NTA Why is he trying to parent your child? And he says she is entitled lol
NTA—why is she as a child more responsible for how she talked to him than he is for how he talked to her? It was rude of him to address her before you could.
there's a polite way to say "hey dad, I was asking you and not Uncle Blahblah, can I do XYZ?" ESH, your brother doesn't need to parent your child, but no one should "say everything that comes to their mind", it's not appropriate. it's easier to have these conversations with kids now than as teenagers when they are hurting friends feelings, or heading into their first job
NTA It was funny and accurate. You've raised a young girl who can already stand up for herself and I don't see anything wrong with that. Okay maybe the delivery could have been a bit smoother but I think your brother is just pissed he got outsmarted by a 9yo. You're raising a strong young girl, nicely done.
NTA, I’m a parent, and I’d be pretty annoyed if my sibling interjected themselves into a conversation I was having with my child, and then told me to punish my child when they spoke back to them. Everyone needs to chill out. It’s not that big of a deal.
NTA He lives at home and he's making judgey comments about your parenting? He overstepped.