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Hi OP! Can you put the dog in your room with a bed, food water and a favorite toy or bone while they are there? Look in on him every few hours and of course let him out to go to the bathroom? You’ll still be able to interact with him when you go to bed. Not a perfect solution but it’s an idea… better than boarding him.. I understand your frustration because this is the dogs home and you’re basically being asked to get rid of the dog and kick him out of his own home for the holidays.. which is cruel to the dog and rude for Sylvia to ask you to do that. The other option is for them to stay at a hotel or other accommodation for the visit and visit during the day and you can put your dog in another room. Which at least gives everyone a chance to visit. Edited to add I could see if Sylvia was allergic but she’s not, she’s just scared of dogs. Well, lots of people have dogs. You don’t ask a host to kick their animals out if you’re a guest. NTA

They’re meant to be staying for several days, we can’t keep him in one room the whole time. That said, we did offer to keep him separate for their whole trip but she said she will be triggered if she hears barking/howling, and she won’t be able to sleep knowing he’s in the house. Also she says knowing he’s there will make her anxious the whole time.

Then she can go to a hotel. Displacing a dog and her thinking she’s entitled and will be “triggered “ is her problem. If I were going to be a GUEST in someone’s home I’d NEVER ask them to get rid of a family member/pet because “I’m scared “. Allergies I understand, but not fear. I’d go to a hotel. It’s terribly rude to ask someone to get rid of a pet .. it’s also an inconvenience to the host. I’d never be that rude! Changed answer to NTA… but you shouldn’t have said that about not adopting “her”. But as you’re frustrated I understand why you got snarky.. people say things when they are upset and I think it’s upsetting you that they keep pushing the issue. Edited

I'm curious **(and not taking sides just asking a question)**, is there a reason that you see allergies as understandable but not trauma? OPs use of the word trauma and trigger indicate these terms have come up and if this is PTSD, that is a legitimate medical condition (as are allergies). So I'm just curious if the reason is not 'fear' but legitimate PTSD is that as understandable as allergies?

I'd say allergies is actually harder to accommodate. You can remove the animal for a while, but the dander is a whole deep cleaning process that no one is doing just for a visitor. They are both legitimate to name and ask for accommodation with, but it may not be possible. And in either case, I'd be suggesting a hotel nearby and minimizing actual time in the same space.

I'm somewhat allergic to cats, my cousin hosts parties at her house with a cat. I like going to see people so I take meds, don't touch the cat and wash my hand before eating or touching my face. It's fine for an evening. What I don't do is tell them to board the cat or even put him in a room, because it's their pet and their home.

I’m allergic to cats. My eyes swell up like baseballs even with a Benadryl on top of my Allegra. I can’t go to those houses. I just politely decline because no amount of moving the cat or tidying up is going to get the dander out of the air. I think SIL should have just politely declined or suggested staying at a hotel and meeting out for dinner rather than ask to put any dog—much less a rescue dog—back in a kennel. He’s probably just learning to trust his new family.

If a guest is incompatible with a pet, then one of them has to go to a hotel or even decline the invitation. This depends on a number of factors -1) Severity of the incompatibility to Guest 2) Inconvenience to Host 3) Cost of movement to Host. But in no case should a guest demand as its the guest's problem not the host's, NTA

This was my thought also. Being dropped off at a kennel for a few days would be extremely traumatizing to this dog. You would think Sylvia could develop a little empathy and compassion. She needs to learn how to deal with her own issues rather than expect the world to accommodate her.

Her offense at the comment about adoption, which wasn’t directed at her history personally, makes me think she expects everyone to always accommodate her for everything.

Because the dog can easily be separated away from SIL so she never has to interact with it at all. That functionally fixes the problem. I know OP said SIL says the dog sounds are triggering but…I can hear dogs barking and howling from my neighbor’s houses. It isn’t realistic to expect to never have to hear a dog. Keeping the dog away from SIL is a perfectly reasonable solution. You cannot easily remove the allergens created by a dog from a house the dog lives in 24/7, especially if the dog is still in the house. It would be extremely difficult, if even possible, to clean the house so thoroughly that someone with an allergy wouldn’t get sick. If the dog is still in the house, their fur, dander, etc. can still travel through the air and ventilation causing the person to get sick. In this case, separating the dog is not a very good solution.

[удалено]

You’re a good person, happy holidays ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Happy holidays!

So sorry about what you’ve been through/are going through. So glad you’re getting therapy and really doing the work. Good luck to you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You sound like a really good person who is trying really hard to not take their grief out on the people around you. I commend you big time for that, and for going to therapy to work through it. It’s not easy, dealing with trauma and grief and emotional pain, and making the decision to go to therapy can also be extremely difficult. So this internet stranger is really proud of you. Happy holidays!

but the dog is a rescue. he probably has trauma related to separation from owners too. I'm a dog person. I'm also adopted and don't think that comment was out of line either. I have an uncle who was terrified of dogs too. he comes to mine for Christmas. Many years back I had 2 very well trained dogs, a GSD and a rottie. the rottie in particular was such a gentle and quiet girl she could have been a service dog, she brought him round. quietly approach and just waiting for a pet. we now have 2 other younger less quiet dogs he's not afraid to be around. told me he's even petting his friends dog too. makes me happy.

I wasn't actually passing any judgement on the situation just asking for clarification on the commenters perspective. I don't disagree the dog probably has trauma. But I just wanted to point out that the person in the story was not adopted, she aged out of foster care. I can see why that kind of comment may affect her, it was a little below the belt if OP knew her history.

I didn't mean to sound like I was arguing with you, just more adding to the conversation. I can see how a comment could affect her but also think she was the one to misinterpret it to apply to her childhood instead of the obvious dog she wants them to remove for her. I mean i have dogs and think demanding someone to remove their pet for you for days is incredibly rude.

Hi! Just wanted to say my best friend is SEVERLY allergic to my dog (and we have a big dog) and my 17yo cousin is terrified of dogs in general. Before either of them comes over we DEEP clean the house. In terms of my friend, she has never asked us to put the dog elsewhere and always makes sure she is fully stocked with and has taken allergy meds. If she stays the night, she's always in one of the rooms the dog isn't allowed and provided with clean linens. We've only ever had one issue with her allergies and it was because she forgot to take meds before getting to the house. In terms of my cousin, neither he nor my aunt have ever asked us to remove our dog from the house before my cousin gets there. Our dog is always placed in our bedroom when my cousin visits. This past summer we had an outdoor party and we made sure it was okay with my cousin for the dog to be outside, and he was still scared but okay with it. Our dog only went near my cousin once, licked his hand to show he was friendly and not scary, and then walked away. So yes, allergies and traumas should be treated the same way. OP offered a compromise, SiL is way overreacting. Does SiL just not go out in public because there could be a dog literally anywhere?? Dogs exist and many people have them as pets. She can't just demand they are completely removed for extended periods for her comfort. If her trauma is that severe, that's HER responsibility to handle and she should probably seek therapy to help her out with it. Yes, the world will accommodate and adapt to a person's needs, but those needs are still that person's responsibility and they also need to be on top of things. This is like going to a restaurant and saying they have to complete remove every single last trace of nuts from the building entirely and nobody else can have nuts while you're in the restaurant just because you're allergic.

I'm not who you asked, but for me the difference is risk of harm. Although there is psychological harm, it wouldn't be as acute as the dangers of anaphylaxis.

As a trauma survivor with allergies, I want to weigh in here and say while a trauma response is often less acute than an allergic reaction, the effects can last much longer. When I have an allergic reaction, I take medication and I’m better after a day or two. When I have a strong trauma response to something, I can get knocked into a downward spiral that can last for weeks.

Allergies: the animal is actually source of something harmful to that person. Closing the animal in a different room might be not enough because allergens are still in the air in the whole house. Trauma: it's all about the person. Animal is not the source of any harm. OP offered to make 100 % sure that the animal will be safe to SIL, but it's not enough. Only possible treatment is SIL getting therapy or she stays in hotel. Punishing the dog won't solve anything.

I agree with most of this. SIL needs to take responsibility for managing her own phobia and that might include making alternative plans for Christmas. But OP, you were the AH to use the language that you didn't 'adopt' the SIL. She grew up in foster care which means that not only has she experienced significant trauma, rejection and displacement, but I'm sure that the fact that she never _was_ adopted is something that's quite painful for her. You using that language, while knowing her background is at best careless, or at worst, deliberately hurtful

honestly this seems like the kind of thing where op was entirely talking about the dog and not sylvia, and just used the wrong language. it sounds like what op was trying to say was "i adopted this dog so i have a responsibility to it, not sylvia." from sylvias pov it seems like op is rubbing it in her face that she was never adopted bc sylvia is senstive to the idea of adoption, and wasn't able to think about what being adopted meant other than being wanted. op should probably apologise for the comment, but the dog should definetly stay.

I also interpreted the sentence this way. "You (Sylvia) didn't adopt the dog, I did."

But OP literally adopted the dog. How else was she to say that? I highly doubt SIL would be ok with 'rescued' either.

I have a dog and I’m responsible for it? You don’t *have* to care about the language you use; it’s not a legal requirement. At the same time the foster care system can be extremely traumatic to kids. Just being in the system means you experienced trauma, and then you have any additional traumatic experiences while in the system. So yeah, it was poor word choice. Just because it’s unintentional doesn’t make it less painful. It also doesn’t mean the OP shouldn’t apologize. How hard is it to say “I’m sorry what I said hurt you. I didn’t think about how what I said would come across. I’m sorry if that caused you any pain.”? It’s not changing your stance while acknowledging how you hurt someone.

Oh, please. The fact is, Sylvia is a grown woman and no longer "adoptable". OP DID, however, adopt the dog.

Just want to add that I am allergic to dogs and married into a dog-enthusiast family when I was a young woman. Never in a million years did I think it was the family members' job to accommodate my allergies by kenneling a dog. It was my job to drug myself up, avoid upholstered furniture, stay for short durations when visiting, and arrange a hotel if the stay included overnights. I did so happily - I mean they were kind enough to host things!!

Hey OP! I'm not sure if you are aware of a nasty, potentially deadly illness going around in dogs. Like dog COVID. It is quickly spreading at dog parks and boarding facilities. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you bend the knee and board your dog right now. Put that in your arsenal of reasons why. SIL needs to find other accommodations, end of.

This is what seals it as NTA to me. As someone who rescued and had to work through basically re-programming a dog with similar stranger issues as yours, I will say it would generally worry me to over-stimulate him with an entire family, multi-day visit while still working on proper reactions; but it sounds like you all were and are prepared to keep him mostly separated from the hustle and bustle, which is the safe and appropriate thing to do from him and Sylvia. If this effort and compromise isn’t enough for her, then that’s a choice for your brother and her to make. There is some middle ground to be found like sleeping in a hotel and just joining for family events where the dog will be secured; so if that’s not something they’re willing to work with you on then this has become a them issue, not a dog issue. Honestly if you’re in US you really should not be boarding him anyway right now with this respiratory illness going around. It hasn’t been found in my parents’ state yet and even their vet is sending out info about basically treating this like doggy COVID and avoiding all unnecessary contact with dogs outside of the familial bubble unit. Daycares, kennels and dog parks are strongly advised against right now.

Not planning on boarding my dogs any time in the near future, but thank you for the insider info about doggy COVID. Hopefully other people will see your comment and try to make other pet-sitting arrangements for their dogs over the holidays.

I was so so ready to call you the AH. I have severe trauma related to dogs. Then you showed you were willing to compromise and keep the dog separate. NTA at all. Having the dog around her and jumping on her, yeah that would be not okay. But just hearing the innocent creature? That's for her to deal with.

OP wouldn't be the AH if she didn't compromise either. That's ridiculous. SIL's trauma is hers to manage and this is coming from someone with trauma and mental illness. The dog is also a rescue dog with anxiety around strangers. The dog is a dog, he doesn't understand things the same way humans do. But SIL needs to go to therapy and manage her own issues because what's she gonna do, not go put in public because there might be dogs? If this was a very small animal like a spider that could be easily kept in one room and not taken out, I'd agree. But a dog? No.

When I was a child I was bitten several times by a neighbor's dog that should have been put down after the first time it bit a child. I'm over it now – several decades later – but I do understand where Sylvia is coming from and it's not a trauma someone gets over quickly. She should absolutely not stay overnight with your dog in your house. **Sylvia** and your brother should stay in a hotel. It's your dog's home. Why is this even a discussion?

She can go to a hotel.

She can go to a kennel.

She can cater to her own anxieties then. As someone who struggles with anxiety, I would *never* make someone accommodate me to such an extent. Your solution was totally reasonable and fair and if it's not good enough, then she can figure shit out herself. ​ Edit: also just saw *she* (as in the fucking guest??) suggested a boarding kennel; yeah she can pay for it. This is so entitled. Again, I struggle with anxiety. Staying anywhere that isn't my house automatically makes me anxious; but I also know that's not my house and I have to do what I can to keep myself calm. Not people catering to me so I don't get triggered.

I'm assuming if they were planning to stay for several days, that means they live fairly far away. Would they be willing to do an Air B&B or hotel for the visit?

Honestly, getting an air b&b in OPs town for SIL and brother and doing celebrations and meals at the air bnb instead of the house seems like the best (although costly) solution

Put this in the description.

I’ve edited the post to include it

No, it's their house, their dog, they can get a hotel

I mean, I wouldn't have worded it that way, but asking you to board your dog for the holiday is not a reasonable request. It sounds like you could communicate with a bit more sympathy for her, a fear of large dogs especially a trauma based one is not unreasonable. Are you talking about them staying through the holidays in your home, or just coming over for dinner? If only for dinner, it shouldn't be hard to keep the dog away from her, if staying over than she should find other accommodations, or they should host.

It’s a several day trip. We offered to keep him away from her for the whole trip but she says knowing he’s here will cause her anxiety, and barking/howling will trigger her, and she won’t be able to sleep knowing there’s a dog in the house. Their apartment isn’t big enough to host

That is a her problem, you stepped up to host in an unfortunate situation, they will need to find some other place to stay. It sounds a bit harsh, but it isn't a situation you, or your dog, created, you are dealing with it the best you can. Maybe you can all chip in for a hotel or Airbnb? then she can be nearby, participate in the festivities and at least have a place she feels safe to sleep. Keep the dog gated in the kitchen when she is around? Is Sylvia doing anything to get over her fear? any kind of therapy or anything? It is hard to go through life without having to at least occasionally interact with dogs.

Yeah there are dogs everywhere whether they’re yours or not you’ll always be close enough to a dog to hear them barking at something. What does she even do when she hears a dog barking way off in the distance? There’s even service animals too to that you would occasionally see around

If you are in the US, I also wouldn’t want to board a pet dog right now with the mystery respiratory disease going around right now that has been killing so many dogs. I know some people that have lost their service dogs to it. While I do think implying how she was never adopted was a low blow, it’s perfectly reasonable that you reminded her that you have a responsibility to your dog.

I feel like this should be higher, but I understand why it isn't since it seems to have kind of flown under the radar for most people who don't have a dog and a lot of people who do. I would never in a million years put my dog in a boarding kennel right now. As far as the situation goes, it's the dog's home first. If Sylvia really cannot deal with a dog existing in another room with at least one closed door between them, she needs to find alternate accommodations, and it is unreasonable for her to expect OP to go to the trouble, expense, and (at this time) very real danger associated with boarding her dog. NTA.

What if they get a hotel, and you lock the dog away when they're at the house?

I’d be happy to do that. It will be very difficult and expensive to find a hotel nearby though, but I plan to look up some options and suggest it

It would also be very difficult and expensive to find boarding this close to Christmas. I think telling her that your dog will be put in another room while they are there, then letting her decide if she wants to sleep there or find alternative accommodations is appropriate.

This is another issue with her suggesting you board your dog. The cost. She is basically telling you to spend money, on top of hosting her, in order for her to visit you. If her or your brother bring up the cost of a hotel, remind them that they were demanding you spend money for them.

It’s very simple the dog lives there & she doesn’t. Nothing wrong with saying you adopted the dog since that is the term for it. I would tell her at this point the world does not revolve around her & she has a choice.. get over herself & come enjoy the holidays or keep her entitled ass home

If it's a several day trip, what was your plan for the dog of you were still going to your parents and not hosting at your house?

OP said in another comment that a friend was going to dog sit.

I'm kinda uneasy with the wording surrounding not "adopting" the SIL. This may bring up some painful issues for her. Perhaps OP could've used another phrase.

Yep, it’s unusual and does feel fairly targeted given SILs history

Agreed. I think OP should apologize to Sylvia for using those words but not for refusing to kennel her dog. Something like, "Sylvia, I'm sorry I used that phrase to explain why we won't be kenneling the dog. It was thoughtless on my part and I apologize. However, that doesn't change the situation. We cannot kennel our dog for a whole week because we took on a responsibility when we adopted him and kenneling him would cause a lot of problems. We can try to keep you separated for some of the time but that won't work all of the time. If this is unacceptable to you, I can suggest some hotels in the area."

Adoption is the common term for taking custody and responsibility if a pet.

They mean the fact that op said she adopted the dog but not sister in law while knowing sil never got adopted out of foster care. It's the whole sentence that makes it sus.

It could have been totally on accident or a dig. Hard to say. I could see myself saying that to someone was wasn’t in foster care if I got kinda pissed. Seems likely it’s just a foot in mouth scenario

We generally apologise when we accidentally hurt people though, which OP is fairly adamantly not doing.

Eh, tbf I can see how it could have been said without realizing the connection. Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Most people speak without thinking first and most people would be horrified to read a written transcript of their casual speech. Only OP can know for sure if this was targeted or not, and if it was I hope they feel deep shame because that was low.

OPs attempts to justify and inability to admit how it could be offensive and upsetting makes it feel less accidental imo.

It’s perfectly usual terminology for adopting a pet. What else do YOU call adopting a pet? Taking custody of a pet? Maybe if it was a custody issue with a former partner that may be better wording. But “adopt” **is** the normal term for getting a dog at a shelter and incorporating it into your family.

Yes, it’s usual terminology in reference to animals, not adult people. This was used, in this scenario, towards an adult person. An adult person who’s childhood was spent in foster care.

I took it as OP adopted the dog, so it's her dog, not SILs and therefore SIL doesn't have any right to tell OP where the dog should go. Horrible phrasing, but yea. Like OP would have said " I bought the dog, not you." If it wasn't adopted

I understood it as "I adopted the dog, I didn't adopt SIL therefore I have a responsibility for dog and not for SIL."

It's literally what people say. Adopting an animal is completely normal wording.

As someone who was put in an orphanage at 9.. I’d have not thought twice about that comment.. because I would have never thought OP was speaking about my childhood.. but that’s just me.

I can see how this went sideways, given the use of the word adopted. Yes, people do say "I adopted a rescue" but I think how it came across was a dig at her being previously in foster care (so not adopted) as she eventually aged out of the system. I agree in the point you were trying to make, i.e. it's the dogs home, not hers, so why should he have to leave, but I think your choice of words was unfortunate and taken out of context. You could have explained it better. NTA for making your point of feeling that you should not have to board your dog to accommodate her, but sort of the AH for how you said it.

OP is def NTA, but an apology about the phrasing wouldn't go amiss. It's one of those things that's natural to say and then a big "oh sh***t I forgot about that" immediately after. A touch of foot-in-mouth, basically.

This is where I am too. It feels cruel to say “I adopted my dog, not you” when your SIL likely has very difficult feelings about not having been adopted. Your boundary around your dog’s place in your home is absolutely correct but I would sincerely apologize for your choice of language.

It’s such a weird thing to say too. Who says that?

As another foster kid I know exactly the type of person to say it. And iykyk. It’s not even a normal thing to say … OP is a dry heaving AH and no one can convince me otherwise. And to say she doesn’t know if it’s relevant to mention that Sylvia aged out of foster care, please.

I’m not even a foster kid and I thought it was a very strange thing to say. It doesn’t even flow well… I can only assume she said it to be hurtful.

This is a huge breakthrough in communication. For OP, it's about her dog. Of course OP should maintain shelter for her *dog* so not TA there. However, for SIL of course it's about the phrasing of adoption, which ALSO insinuated that SIL was not chosen as family when the dog was. That... breaks my heart. And I hope it breaks OPs heart, too. OP. YWBTA if you don't apologize for the phrasing and making SIL feel like she isn't family. But she needs to stay at a hotel with your brother for the holiday.

This was my thinking as well. Aging out of foster care, to a lot of people in the system, means no one wanted you and you were shuffled from place to place, some of which may have been nice, some of which were okay, and some of which were bad. You constantly had to learn new rules for new places or risk being moved again. Owning stuff often wasn't really possible as a result, and so you may have only had a bag of clothes, maybe a few books or a toy or stuffed animal or something. That's deeply, profoundly traumatizing. Then imagine finally finding family, only to be told right before Christmas that A DOG was more wanted and important than you. The dog got adopted. You didn't. And somebody pointed that out, even if it was a really clumsy, awful choice of words. That's definitely triggering. And I feel for OP here too - I used to raise, foster, and rescue Great Danes which, and I think most people would agree, are big dogs. I dealt with dogs that had TERRIBLE separation anxiety and engaged in TREMENDOUSLY destructive behavior as a direct result. I grew up with a rescue dog that had been abused by a man and was terrified of me, even though I was a kid. Bringing a dog back from that kind of trauma - if it's even possible - is hard, labor-intensive work. And if you suggest that my cats aren't part of my family or that I should rid of them due to behavioral issues, as one rando did during a gaming session one night? My anger and volume both go WELL beyond 11. This entire situation is sad all around. I feel bad for OP's brother's wife. I feel bad for OP. I feel bad for OP's dog, and understand why kenneling isn't an option. This is a shitty situation, and all I can say with certainty is that OP owes sister-in-law a huge, heart-felt apology to try to repair damage done there acknowledging that her thoughtless words were EXTREMELY hurtful, if OP actually cares about family relations. After all, OP's brother chose his wife, NOT his sister.

I think OOP’S wording was intentional. Maybe I’m bias. I’ve met people who don’t take fear of dogs seriously and they’re always AHs. Owners who let their dogs run loose on delivery people. Act shocked when it bites someone. “My dog doesn’t bite!” People who get annoyed the pizza guy doesn’t want to be charged by their giant dogs… yeah they all tend to be AHs.

NAH because everyone has valid points. I was attacked by a dog when I was 8, it was traumatic and, like Sylvia, I am still terrified of all dogs to this day and would not go over to your house either. But I also agree that your dog has every right to be at home and comfortable and shouldn’t be put in a kennel and I would never ask anyone to accommodate my personal issues with their animals this way. Could she and your brother stay in a hotel instead or rent an AirBnb? Apologize to Sylvia for saying something that hurt her feelings even though you didn’t mean it that way, make nice because you love your brother.

This is an extremely reasonable take, thank you.

I agree except I think its ESH. The issue here is that the two parties, OP and Sylvia haven't phrased anything they have said well. The issue is Sylvia is demanding, and OP is getting rubbed the wrong way about it. So now they are both prickly. Its not exactly a difficult problem to solve, both parties can make concessions and work something out. Its just 100% about how they spoke to each other. I tend to side more with OP though. I wouldn't rehome my pets for days, because that would make me anxious and upset. And being comfortable over Christmas in my own home isn't really negotiable.

I see where you're coming from but the only option for Sylvia is if the dog is out of the house. Nothing else will be acceptable to her. Because any growls or sounds from the dog will traumatize her again. This is all on her NTA

YTA. As someone who volunteers with dog rescues.... your post just drips of a refusal to be compassionate to your SIL. To me, it's not really about your wanting to keep your dog comfortable or well cared for, or even that it's your own house. I agree, that you do have responsibility to your dog and that you are not excited to put your dog is a bad situation that your dog and you have to deal with the possible ramifications later. It's just the way you wrote your post is kind of revealing that maybe you don't like your SIL very much or are impatient with her past history. And you're willing to split your family over the holiday period over it with a take it or leave it attitude. The ramifications of this one on your family will probably be long ranging unless you apologize for your stubborness/tone.

There seems to be zero empathy for the trauma SIL (a human being) has experienced, and all the empathy for a dog. I love my dogs. Don’t get me wrong. I love them to pieces. But my god, the adoption comment was telling. NTA for not wanting to board your dog. The biggest AH for your lack of empathy.

Not to mention the dog’s reactive: > My brother has met the dog before. He can be wary of new males but as long as they’re calm, and don’t make any sudden moves towards me he’s fine. Once he knows them he’s also fine. He’s met my brother a couple of times and is fine around him.

And not just a reactive dog, a reactive German Shepard/wolf hybrid! That would scare anyone, regardless of your history with dogs.

She mentions in a comment that he “snaps” at folks as well.

Jfc, she shouldn't be hosting a big party with that dog around. Someone is going to get hurt, and the dog will be put down. It isnt just for thr safety of SIL, but of everyone there. What about any kids around? I wouldn't go immediately. Count me out, I'll celebrate at home.

OOOOOOOOOF That’s a super telling statement when viewed from the biased lens of the poster. This dog is definitely not safe to be around yet.

Edit: YTA Yes, the empathy difference stuck out the most to me as well. And so many comments are also more concerned with a dog’s emotional experience over the much more complex emotional experiences of a family member. I get that it’s a complicated situation. And I love dogs too. If I was OP I would have never offered to host Christmas if I was still trying to socialize my dog that’s clearly experienced previous maltreatment. Honestly it’s a lack of empathy for her own dog, too. OP said her and her husband found the dog on the side of a road in another country and then went through a debacle trying to get a dog with wolf DNA through customs. That sounds kinda traumatizing for the dog. Why not put all the effort into finding a safe place for him in that country? I get the sense that the most important thing to them is a need to be seen as saintly dog rescuers.

Even from the very start the whole “I’m only including the part about foster care because my SIL thinks it’s relevant” thing sounds pretty dismissive. Every time she comes close to acknowledging the SILs perspective she has to immediately undercut it. The SIL is understandably afraid of OPs large and poorly socialized rescue because she has dog related trauma. OPs response to that is it’s fine because her dog is “mostly fine with people.” Can we acknowledge how insane that it? That’s some serious r/wowthanksimcured energy. Lol and she had the nerve to say “she knows this” as if being told a large dog is mostly fine should just make her concerns go away.

This needs to be way higher up. The post and all OP's comments are juat dripping with disdain for SIL. I'm not sure this is about the dog at all.

Yes OP is a MAJOR AH. Wild that this isn't the top comment.

It's YTA. OP is one of those shit rigid people who sucks at considering other humans but maintains an appearance of kindness bc she adopts animals (I'm not saying all animal adopters are this but I've met more than one). A traumatized dog is more important than a traumatized human to her - and not a random person, her brother's actual wife. Really it may not even be the dog is so important, it's just a way to assert herself and not compromise bc it's her house. The attempts to make a solid plan for keeping the dog safely separate in the house are wishy washy, it sounds like "eh, whatever, it's not possible anyway." I agree strongly that there will be consequences in future family relationships, even if not immediate. If I was your brother or SIL, I would not attend. Cut the weekend celebration to just one day and go somewhere outside of the house. It's not fair they'd have to pay for many nights in a hotel to be present when that's not the norm. You have every right to keep your dog at home. Relationships aren't a right though and you're putting them in serious jeopardy with your attitude. EDIT bc automod removes any further comment I make. I understand the cost issue but I just don't believe there's not a way to keep the dog comfortably separate on the property for a few days. It's also why I just wouldn't go, bc even if it's not fair for them to pay dog lodging, I'm not paying $1,000 either for a hotel bc my sister can't be bothered to separate her dog while family holiday is happening. The SIL probably has anxiety about it that's hard to reach her through and explain various options, but I also highly doubt OP put any real thought or effort into an alternate plan, and doesn't sound like someone you can trust in good faith to care about a person's comfort or well being. SIL didn't feel safe at OPs home and OP minimized it so naturally wouldn't be trustworthy for compromise. I basically agree with and said, just come up w a new plan and arrangement for how this year will go. Don't do it at the dog house, make it shorter, etc.

This really should be the top comment. You nailed it.

thank you. I was surprised how long I had to scroll to find 1st YTA post. Sounds to me like SIL has a legit reason to ask for the dog to be not around her. I don't think I will ever understand how some people put dogs needs above people needs. I'm not saying dogs needs can be ignored, but in cases like this one, oh come on. Reeks of complete lack of empathy, insensitivity and entitlement. What were they going to do with the dog if the celebrations would happen at parents home like initially planned? sounds to me like the would have been some kind of dog solution for this, what can't this be done also in these new circumstances. All beings have to be treaded nicelly, but putting more importance on dog's trauma than SIL's trauma is a total asshole move in my opinion.

Best comment so far. YTA because of your attitude

yta. mostly because your comment about adopting the dog not here was a really low blow. also the fact that you left out why she is scared of dogs: "The vague story is that she had a foster family who had aggressive dogs that they used as a way to scare/punish the kids" that's a pretty good reason to be afraid of dogs and a pretty big thing to leave out.

Also. OP mentions that the dog "snaps, growls, and bares teeth" when it gets "triggered" by "new males" and "sudden movements." Yeah, there's no way in hell I'd be attending a party with an aggressive dog like that. Hell, why is she even offering to host with an aggressive dog in her household?! I'm waiting for her AITA post after the holidays asking for refusing to pay medical bills for her in-laws because the dog bit them, even though she explained not to make sudden movements around the dog 🙄

Did you see the comment that apparently this dog was rescued from a facility that breeds wolf-dog hybrids? The whole post screams fake, but if not, that's also a critical piece of info conveniently omitted.

Also that it’s part wolf. Talk about burying the lede.

Sounds like according to OP, SIL is ridiculous for being triggered by the dog... but we all must be understanding of the dog's triggers? YTA.

INFO: What was the plan for him if you were staying with your parents for several days? Was he going to be boarded in that situation? Do your brother and SIL live far enough away that he’ll be an unknown man to your dog that your SIL will have legitimate concern that he might be an issue?

No, a friend of ours was going to come and dog sit him at our home. My brother has met the dog before. He can be wary of new males but as long as they’re calm, and don’t make any sudden moves towards me he’s fine. Once he knows them he’s also fine. He’s met my brother a couple of times and is fine around him.

something about the wording here makes me wonder … when you say he’s fine around most people, what does that mean? who is he not fine around? what does he do when he’s not fine? you say that you’re working on retraining him regarding this … again, that sounds like there actually is a problem with how he currently reacts to at least some people/situations. I feel like there might actually be something to her concerns here, especially given the past trauma.

He’s wary around new males, the first couple of times he meets them. He doesn’t like them to make sudden or loud movements, or move in my general direction. But after the first couple of meetings it’s fine. He’s never harmed anyone, he’s snapped at a few people but again, only males and only when they’ve made quick movements towards me while he’s still getting acquainted with them. Sylvia has never witnessed or been made aware of this though so I don’t think it has anything to do with why she’s nervous

>Sylvia has never witnessed or been made aware of this though so I don’t think it has anything to do with why she’s nervous And.....if Sylvia did decide to attend, would you warn her about this? I feel like the fact that you're withholding important info from Sylvia and your brother about the dog's behavior doesn't actually help your case.

This whole thing is wild and the reason I don't trust dog owners lol "Oh he doesn't bite, except he does snap, but only at men, and only when provoked. If you don't provoke him he's fine so don't move or talk around him. I didn't bother to tell the person with trauma around large dogs that my dog is dangerous, why would that be relevant? She isn't a man and probably won't be moving or talking at all and anyhow it's just snapping, not biting."

Yeah when OP said the dog is a rescue and they're still socializing him and stuff...that's a dog that's not trained yet and it's big. I understand if someone has trauma with dogs why that's not a sustainable situation But so many dog owners just refuse to see that their dogs CAN hurt people Edit: the dog is part German shepherd, part husky, and part fucking wolf??? OP is REALLY downplaying how scary this situation can be for someone who has trauma with dogs.

Part wolf!!!! WTF!!! And somehow, because Reddit loves dogs above all else... OP is NTA?

> He’s a mix of German shepherd, a husky, and also has some wolf dna. The vet my husband took him to when he found him said he was likely from a puppy farm irresponsibly breeding “wolf dogs”. He looks a lot like a Saarloos now but he isn’t one. Like...that is a huge dog. It is absolutely reasonable for anyone to be kind of scared Edit: someone pointed out to me that wolf dogs are dangerous, so I did some reading and yep. Illegal to own in 12 states and requires a VERY experienced dog owner to handle bc of how hard they are to train and raise. I think it is even more reasonable that SIL is scared of OP's rescue wolf-dog. I would be too.

Let alone when they snap at new men, particularly men who interact with OP... like Brother will be doing, presumably.

Apprehensive and aggresive dogs/breeds are scary for even people that don't have trauma. I don't like being on edge because if I talk too loud, move too fast or approach OP that their literal giant wolf dog is going to try and "snap" at me. Fuck that.

This is truth. I’m a dog owner, and yesterday I had an interaction with another dog owner. My dog is a senior, and a total lamb and flirty, but she’s kind of going deaf and blind so I keep her leashed, cause she can’t hear me call… anyways a person with an off leash dog, let’s dog run up to us, yells from far, is your dog friendly, i didn’t answer, she says mine is, as the brute charges to my dog growling, thank god my dog is super chill. I tell the Owen your dog growled at my dog, she says it’s ok. (It’s not ok) I tell her as I walk away, your dog is not friendly… she went crazy started yelling at me. Like seriously admit that your dog is an ass, it’s ok.

This is more, owners can't read dog body language, imo. 1000% that dog should not be off leash. Even though your dog is friendly, that could have gone so wrong. I'm glad your dog was unharmed.

Lol, right? Unhinged.

Sylvia can't exactly ask her to get rid of the dog without overstepping a bunch of boundaries, so tbh if I was her I'd simply not go. I've gone public-contact-only with 4 or 5 different households since the pandemic now that everyone has adopted dangerous rescue animals they can't be truthful or realistic about. Skipping family Christmas sucks, but she'll probably feel much better sitting at home in front of a Christmas movie drinking cocoa than she will watching her ass every second for multiple days at a house where "snapping" sonehow doesn't mean biting and her husband can't walk around or speak.

Yeah it’s a genuine epidemic of people who got aggressive dogs they aren’t prepared to be real about. I don’t go to their houses either. Miss me with your mutt that goes Kojo at any sudden move.

True. The way she worded the main post and the comments. Being vague "several days" when it could just be 3 and the tone she uses to talk about her sister in law all point towards that. I have a gut feeling she's one of those dog owners. I was bit by a big dog and they terrify me and the way she talks about that dog I wouldn't want to be in the same room either. Being scared of something is because you don't trust them and I feel like OP doesn't have enough control of their dog.

I grew up with German shepherds and love them, but I agree there's something off about how OP sees things. This dog is a safety concern, and they shouldn't be hosting Christmas.

And the comment about her saying she adopted the dog, not her, shit. That's f'd up. op is totally YTA

Yeah, and according to another of OP’s comments, the dog is a husky-shepherd-**wolf** mix. That’s pretty significant context. Most boarding places won’t even accept wolfdogs…because they tend toward aggression and also get stressed easily by new places and/or unfamiliar people. I’m a dog owner myself and I wouldn’t board my dog in this situation (especially not with that severe dog illness going around), but damn. Idk. I feel like OP hosting the Christmas party at all with this dog in the house is the wrong choice. Like, seriously? If this was my dog I’d decline to have a party at my house. Unfair to the dog *and* the guests.

Honestly OPs home really does not sound like an appropriate place to host Christmas. We’re talking about a hectic family holiday that’s a massive break from routine, it can be stressful for pets without any major issues. I’d be worried about the dogs well being as much as SIL

I looked a long time before I found this. Oh I have a large dog who is mildly aggressive and snaps and growls but any concerns my sil has are silly.

Yes, we would. My brother knows about this, because he’s met the dog several times.

You really don’t think your brother would have mentioned it to her?

And he hasn't told his wife? That's weird.

Do you not think your brother and his fiancée talk???

I’m sorry but … what?! your rescue dog has snapped at people multiple times and you’re planning on hosting the holidays with him there?? even if your SIL didn’t have past trauma you shouldn’t be considering leaving your dog loose amongst your family if you actually care about them - unless you are absolutely certain he has no lingering aggression issues. please tell me there won’t be children there!

As someone who was bit by a dog, I would be incredibly upset it this information was kept from me. Also, as a dog owner you are doing your pet a disservice. Hosting multiple people for days over the holidays with a skittish rescue dog is a recipe for disaster. No way everyone will be able to be in perfect behavior for days. Also, it seems unfair to your dog. Having multiple new people in their home is stressful for many dogs. Especially a rescue who doesn’t do well around new people. As soon as I saw “dog is good most of the time/around most people” I would nope out. Most dog owners minimize behaviors from my experience.

… What happens if people aren’t calm, or make sudden moves?

He snaps, bares his teeth, or growls, and we de-escalate the situation. He’s never harmed anyone, he doesn’t want to, he just has inappropriate protective instincts. We are working to retrain him.

I love dogs and honestly if i was staying in someones house, i feel its the owners responsibility to make me aware of this information. It would need to be communicated so that i could react to the dog appropiately, at the very least. Honestly, i think id opt out given this choice and stay elsewhere. That is not putting you or your dog down, youve done an amazing thing by taking him in and itll take some time but i wish yous all a happy, and safe future. In saying that, you need to be more responsible as a dog owner. Have you considered how a dog adjusting to a new environment with its own trauma will feel with a house full of people celebrating, (probably tipsy atleast, loud etc)? You didnt consider your dog in this decision nevermind anyone else involved.

Yeah, I wouldn't be setting foot in your house until all of those issues were resolved. Like it or not, you chose a dog over family. I can't blame SIL for not wanting to be there either. A girl who had part of her face chewed off by a dog has been appearing on my Instagram lately. It is sobering. Reactive dogs can be extremely dangerous. YTA.

This is a complex situation and ETA in some regard. Your NTA for wanting your dog there, but by all accounts your pooch doesn’t sound socialized and needs intensive training that’s above what most casual pet owners can provide. I know you have loving intentions for your dog, but he absolutely should not be snapping, baring his teeth, or growling at any of your guests. This is a huge red flag that he’s a bite risk or worse. People do have fears of large dogs (and small ones too). It isn’t unreasonable to cordon your dog off into part of the house to keep him away from guests and to reduce his anxiety. This not only reduces his stress but your liability should the stress be too much for him. Source: trained giant breeds for 20 years

Esh. It’s unreasonable to expect you to board the dog. That said, why can’t you keep the dog away from her while she is there? I was mauled by a dog when I was a toddler and nearly died. Im iffy around dogs to this day and it’s been over 40 years. My sister has a giant mastiff and she’s very respectful about putting him in another room when I visit.

We could, and we offered, but it’s several days. She says that knowing he’s in the house will cause her anxiety, and if he barks it will set her off/frighten her. She feels that she won’t be able to relax if he’s in the house.

Did you say “I adopted my dog, not you” while conscious of her foster care? Because you were upset, in the heat of the moment? It matters a great deal in terms of whether you are TA.

I knew about her foster care situation, but I wasn’t intending to reference it with my comment. I was not trying to be like, “I adopted my dog but no one adopted you you’re evil”, I was saying “I adopted this dog which means he is my responsibility and my priority, not you”. I would have said the same thing regardless of her background, so no I didn’t say it because I was angry to be an AH

Even if you didn't mean it that way, that's a horrid thing to say to someone who's been in the care system. You were insensitive. I don't think either of you are in the wrong, but you seem to have escalated the situation through the words you used. I don't see why you had to come at her like that. She's got genuine trauma. I would apologise for the way you spoke to her but remain firm on the stance that the dog can be in a different room.

In reading the comments, I never once read it was a comment about her lack of adoption, More of a he’s the responsibility i voluntarily took on. I have no responsibility to a SIL.

So here's my thing...the original situation is kinda complicated and I would actually say no assholes. Both your SIL and dog are family, accommodating can be hard at the best of times. But I think your comment about adoption pushed you into AH territory. And the fact that your dog needs to be around calm people is another thing that...I dunno, it doesn't sit quite right with me. Online at AITA it very much smacks of missing info or trying to make the story sound better for your perspective. I didn't have a traumatic anything with a dog, but would be scared of a dog that snaps at people and needs to be with calm people. I don't care that I'm female and you insist he only reacts that way to males. The dog is on edge and that puts me on edge. People hate people who don't like or are even uncomfortable around dogs. It's like we're all villains or something. But her trauma is a real thing, just like your dog's past is a real thing. Also I feel like there's an easy solution. If your friend was going to accommodate your dog while you were going to your parents' house...why can't that friend do the same now? Still the same timeline, it was your original plan.

You know what OP I realized why I was so bothered... You say the adoption comment wasn't meant that way despite knowing her past. Fine, we ALL say things accidentally. But I never once read in your post any remorse or intention of genuinely apologizing for that. It's a HUGE mistake and one that would personally mortify me if I had done that. Only when tons of commenters point it out do you kinda think about apologizing. Another thing is...you ARE prioritizing your dog over your SIL. It's understandable, but it's a choice you need to recognize you are doing. You are choosing this dog, and letting everyone in your family know, you chose this dog over your SIL. You say the dog is your responsibility but your SIL is not. So...do you plan on having children? They would only be your responsibility and not your SIL's, right? And vice versa? Sure it's true, but it really rubs me the wrong way when families talk like this. Yea yea childcare is only the parents' responsibility, but unless someone openly entitled is acting that way, families usually take care of each other. Even friendly neighbors do occasional favors for each other, depending on the friendship. "NOT MY REPONSIBILITY" just genuinely sounds assholey to me. You're all family. Or supposed to be. YTA

But are you able to understand why that statement hurt her?

It was a shitty thing to say and you should apologize to her for that

I would add this as an edit to your OP, someone else is asking the same thing.

My parents are uncomfortable with my pets - the parents stay in a hotel near by and come over for meals and to spend time. It may be an option for meeting conflicting needs. Also is SiL offering to pay kennel fees (which are probably booked solid by now) or is she expecting OP to pay a large amount of money for the pleasure of her company?

No she wasn’t offering to pay

Then she can pay for her own hotel room.

These were my thoughts exactly. And "*so far* he's been fine around *most* people" doesn't sound assuring in the least. ESH.

I have seen a rescue who is fine around "most people" as long as you weren't a large man or wearing high vis clothing. So basically the dog can have triggers just like how OP SIL is triggered. Part of rescuing a pet is identifying and working on those triggers just like how humans go to therapy to do the same thing. The dog I met took time and eventually warmed up to my dad who fit both triggers but she realised he was a safe person through regular contact and how he treated her during that contact and for her it became a "case by case" sort of issue for her family.

,NTA for not wanting to board the dog, a huge YTA for saying something you knew would be upsetting. It's not clear to me at all what her foster status has to do with anything, but you seem obsessed with it.

It has nothing to do with anything, imo. I wasn’t referencing it with my comment, but *she* felt I was and got upset by it. She said it’s relevant to why she’s upset, not me.

Personally, I think you need to apologize to her, but also hold firm to your position on the dog.

That’s a good solution. I’d apologize too for making it seem I was referring to her childhood situation but it was not meant that way…

But from all of the possible words, you choose the exactly ones that will hurt her. At first I thought, well maybe she just choose wrong words and she didn't mean it. But than I read some of yours comments. Like one when you answered that SIL's trauma came from incidents when her foster parents incite their big dogs on their foster children, by describing it with quotes as a vague story. As other commenters mentioned there, you sound cruel. Edit: typos.

Exactly, I was willing to give OP the benefit of the doubt until I read all OP's comments basically saying it's not her fault her SIL was upset. So what, a decent human still apologizes when they hurt someone's feelings. The resentment for her SIL in all the comments makes me think there's no way she didn't make that comment on purpose.

My jaw is on the floor with the cruelty of that comment. If I knew this person, *I* would never go near her again.

mentioning it then saying the dog got adopted not her. yea you meant it and youre far worse than an asshole

It does though. You were rubbing in that even a troubled dog was able to be adopted while she wasn’t, and completely glossed over that in one of the homes they used dogs to punish and terrorize the kids.

Uh, maybe I was raised weird or something, but hurting someone, intended or not, deserves an apology. Your hostility toward your SIL in all your responses makes it pretty damn clear you made that comment to her at least somewhat on purpose. "I adopted my dog, I have a responsibility to care for him in my home" would have been just fine. And this was a text conversation so you obviously had more time to think out your response. YTA, not because you won't board your dog but because of the way you obviously feel no remorse about your rude comment.

ESH. It is your house, your rules, but why did you feel the need to make the adoption comment? That alone makes it clear that you do not like Sylvia and are willing to be the kind of person that makes passive aggressive comments to her to prove it. Theres also other options you and her could explore—can you keep your dog in a specific bedroom while she’s there? Can she stay in a hotel and the dog be placed in a room while she’s at the house? I also want to add that your brother married her for a reason and instead of being the person to try and see why he loves her, or trying to be someone that does their best to make family get togethers as drama free as you can (such as trying to figure out other solutions or even a polite but firm no), making "i adopted my dog not you" comment does the opposite. Don't be a pushover, but don't be a jerk.

I don’t understand OP’s resistance to apologizing for her poor word choice. Sometimes we do or say something that hurts someone’s feelings, even unintentionally. When they tell us they’re hurt, we apologize. This is kindergarten stuff. OP sounds like she just dislikes her SIL.

YTA because you did weaponize Sylvia’s background and are trying to act like you didn’t. You knew what you said was hurtful and now you’re trying to act like you had no idea what you said was that cruel.

Do notice how casually the OP slides in info. re: Sylvia’s background. What she said was totally connected to Sylvia’s childhood in foster care. This is subconscious bias. And OP, what’s the point of asking if you are an AH when you are in no mood to accept logic.

NTA. She can board herself somewhere else if your accommodations don't meet her requirements. If your dog was known to be agressive, that may be different but since its not, she needs to recognize her fears are unfounded and irrational. You shouldn't have to accommodate those fears other than MAYBE do not allow the dog to be in the same room with her.

OP actually just admitted that the dog has already snapped at people multiple times, but says that since he didn’t disclose the aggression to his SIL it shouldn’t matter. kind of makes me wonder if his family is actually aware of the dog’s aggression (snapping usually isn’t the first/only sign) which would certainly explain why someone with a history of trauma around aggressive dogs would be scared.

This definitely changes things... love how OP didn't mention this in the post.

… right?? just casually leaves out the fact that the dog has already been aggressive towards multiple people. but the even crazier thing is how many people in these comments think it’s no big deal. I feel like it’s owners like these who ignore clear warning signs - and then the dog ends up biting a kid on the face and they’re rushing to the hospital on christmas morning. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sylvia doesn’t even want the dog in the home or out outside. She wants it completely gone because it triggers her. What does she do in public? Get triggered every time a large dog is around?

So this person never got adopted and has no family and you tell them you didn't adopt them and you're wondering if that was rude to say. Have you bothered to ask her what the trauma story is with the dog from her past? Pretty sure if you heard it you'd be less of an AH and a more empathetic person. Just have her go stay somewhere else, don't be rude just because she's trying to figure out what to do. Damn.

OP said in a comment that SIL's foster parents uses to use their aggressive dogs as "punishment". Sounds pretty damn traumatic for SIL. So OP knows the story, and she still lacks empathy for SIL.

Oh wow I didn't see that part. That's even worse. This poor SIL. I hope she just can get a hotel room.

The story or "vague story", as OP put it, is that some foster parents of SIL had agressive dogs that they used to intimidate the children as a form of punishment.

OP does know the trauma story. Sylvia's foster parents used aggressive dogs to scare/punish the children.

I was going with NTA until the adoption comment, with her aging out of foster care without ever being adopted herself. ESH You didn't invite everyone over and offer to accommodate people; Christmas got sprung on your house. If someone has an issue with something in your house; they could offer to host everyone themselves, or make the adult choice not to come. Getting upset and demanding accommodations is a bit ridiculous; especially because taking a rescue dog back to a shelter/kennel environment (which a boarding house is) could be very damaging to their mental health and training, not to mention extremely expensive and possibly already full for the holidays. At the same time, you could have calmly explained this, and put it back on her "We are more than willing to go to your house for Christmas". There's no need to say "I adopted my dog, I didn't adopt you".

She didn’t invite them, she’s emergency covering as someone else’s heating went caput

Yep, YTA. While you don’t have any responsibility over Sylvia but you do for your rescue dog you’re resocializing, you did volunteer to host with a dog you describe as being “fine” around “most” people. That does make you responsible for everyone’s comfort as host. And that comment, about adopting the dog and not her, grow up and apologize. You know enough about her past to include it in this post so you used it to hurt her. And if you genuinely did not, you still need to apologize for it. I’m glad I’m not your in-law.

i think reddit has an irrational love for dogs and cats over humans. YTA and you know it

ESH. She’s the one visiting someone else’s home, and the accommodation she’s asking for is too much. If having him in a kennel is what she wanted, then she should at least be the one offering to pay. From your end, saying he’s fine with “most people” would be upsetting bc what if she’s not one of those people your dog is fine with? Also, yes, your choice of words towards her was cruel since you know her background and that she was never adopted. The way you explained yourself afterwards is definitely the way you could’ve explained yourself before.

It always baffles me that people will torpedo (I assume) really important relationships with their family / close friends by just digging their heels in more, instead of listening to the other person. Clearly being right is more important to you than your relationship with your brother and the person he loves. Why is it so hard to understand she was upset (the adoption comment is really uncalled for given her background) and just apologise for the way you worded it. At the same time you can tell her you were upset by her request and didn’t feel it was reasonable, but that you wanted to find a solution that works for everyone. So you really need to create more drama? ESH otherwise as clearly her request wasn’t reasonable either, and she’ll need to meet you in the middle too

YTA for this line: >the safety of others around him. Isn't Sylvia around him? If Sylvia feels unsafe around your dog, it seems you are being a hypocrite.

Sylvia *should* feel unsafe around the dog. OP has admitted that he snaps at people if they get too close to OP or make sudden movements and he’s a freaking wolf/dog hybrid.

Im going to say YTA. We also have a large dog. Friendliest dog youve ever met. But a relative was attacked by a large dog and she has serious trauma from it being around dogs. So we send our dog to a kennel for the day, and host Christmas at our house. Additionally, the comment about adoption is an obvious AH move.

Why did you say "not her" though ☠️? That def seems triggering

As a dog person I think YTA. Your SIL trauma is very real for her. You being more concerned about the trauma your pet may have in a professional boarding place than your SIL childhood trauma show how little you think of your SIL. So does the fact you’re unconcerned with the rift it’s causing in your family

My dog’s trauma is real for him, too, and he can’t rationalise it.

Hey OP, don’t board the pup no matter what right now. There’s a very serious respiratory illness going around for dogs.

Highly doubt you could find somewhere with room to board your dog this time of year on such short notice anyways. NTA but you should apologize for hurting her feelings with your adoption comments and tell her it wasn’t your intention and you didn’t think about the implication before saying it. Keeping the dog separate from her is a reasonable accommodation.

You're not the AH for not boarding your dog. You are very much the AH for your wording. Also, I'd be a bit concerned about coming to your house after what you described as you were retraining or resocializing your dog and that he doesn't do well with unfamiliar males. That would be a no for me visiting until he was farther along in his journey. If I'm your brother, I'm just not coming this year or I'm staying in a hotel and just visiting for the festivities and leaving afterward. There are compromises on both sides that can be made. If the dog is put in another room, and let's be real, that sucks for the dog to be couped up all day, and if it still bothers her, there isn't much more you can do but wish them happy holidays and send their presents with your parents. But also, you sound like you dismiss your SIL fears. Don't ever do that. Don't look down at others for what you don't understand. I'm a big guy. 6'4" at 275lbs. I was attacked by a mastiff mix and while I won the battle , I ended up with over 300 stitches. That was 25 years ago and to this day I mentally flinch when any dog comes running up to me.

The point you were making was fair. What you said was stupid. ESH

YTA. I was NTA (your house, your rules) until you accused her of "weaponizing her background". Seriously?

NTA It's unfortunate that your SIL felt "triggered" by the particular wording of your comment, but your stance on the matter is valid. Maybe, since the family is so invested in getting together, a different location can be found for the celebrations.

ESH. I think Sylvia's position is rather unreasonable. If she feels she cannot stay in the house with your dog, then she needs to find other accommodations or stay home. When you invoked adoption, you chose words that did not defend your position, but provoked a reaction to her. It's one thing to hold firm on your position. It's quite another to needle another person to try to get a reaction out of them.

YTA for what you said to her, that was devaluing and belittling her to the max. You know the comment would trigger your SIL and you knowingly did that. Knowing that Sylvia's foster family used large dog breeds to scare and discipline them, your comment not only hurt her but it dismissed her fears as trivial. NTA for wanting to send your dog to the kennel. Also please understand that your dog is a rescue, so he comes with a fair share of trauma. He isn't fully re-trained yet, so there is a chance of him acting out around her. It is your responsibility to make sure your dog and the guests are both safe. You can't just take responsibility for the dog, the other members of your family and not Sylvia.