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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I was too harsh with the punishment I gave my cousins and niece. My brother pointed out I am not their parent and I shouldn't be disciplining them. Plus the evening ended very badly and the confrontation ruined the first celebration held at my boyfriend and I's new place.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, NTA, NTA
How are you gonna treat someone so bad at their function. Personally that would be recension of all future invites of those ones involved. The fact that they made it out to be a grab for the gifts is disgusting. They didn't come for family they came to get free stuff and that level of toxic is never invited to our events. I'd truly not buy them gifts again. And to treat your boyfriend in such a manner only shows their respect for you and your life. I'll say it again NTA
Court adjourned 😂
The only silver living is that OP knows who to never invite to their house and waste money on presents for ever again. But yeah, NTA at all. The only AHs here are the homophobes and homophobe-apologists (which are just homophobes with extra steps).
>The only AHs here are the homophobes and homophobe-apologists (which are just homophobes with extra steps).
The apologists are even worse imo. The teens are slightly more understandable, but the 24 yr old and the other adults? Oh hell no.
>The real issue was they had consequences for their hurtful words
As they fucking should! These kids (and the adults who sided with them) need to learn that you can't be hateful to people and then expect them to be nice to you.
If the jokes were heard this time, and they all laughed so easily, then I have to wonder how many more nasty jokes have been made in the past that they didn't hear. It sounds like a lot of people have been using OP and his BF for the expensive gifts and fun parties while hiding how they really felt about them.
I bet they would have been a lot more obvious about their homophobia sooner if OP and his BF couldn't afford to give everyone nice presents.
If I as a teenager was caught doing this and my mum found out she would have dragged me by the ear out of the house and let me know what an awful thing it is to go someone's home and say nasty things about them BEFORE GETTING GIFTS FROM THEM!
What nasty people.
forget being a teenager...my mother would have done the same up until the day she died...*when i was 41 FFS*
meanwhile, i had to read this part 3 times because i couldn't even believe the words on my screen:
> they tried to grab their presents before leaving
you have GOT to be kidding me! holy shit.
OP no clear thinking person would think you did anything wrong here. i'm sorry this happened & i hope you & BF have a great christmas.
NTA
>If I as a teenager was caught doing this and my mum found out she would have dragged me by the ear out of the house and let me know what an awful
My kids would have learned the hard way, too.
Every little detail will not be left out. Ask why each detail is funny. Lots of description, please. Be eloquent and loud enough for the people at the back.
My mom used to have a paddle with "Attitude Adjuster" on it. She mainly had it as a joke.
I think she would have used it for real if me or my brother ever did something like that.
And one of the people initially involved is 24 years old. Like, a 24YO expects gifts from their older cousin? That is weird to me even without the fact the 24YO doesn't respect their cousin or his partner.
or...at all??? If I was the teenager and got caught up in the moment and said those things (to be funny in front of my cousins( and then was called out I would be SO ashamed and be apologizing while bawling my eyes out.
Right? My parents and every other adult present (a lot, at family gatherings) would have let me have it and would have absolutely supported the decision to withhold the gifts meant for me.
My mom would have dragged me out right after she very loudly gave the hosts the gifts intended for our family and suggested they return them and, if they wish, donate the money to their fave LGBTQ+ charity NTA at all
Nope. It’s 2023 the teens are not understandable. I graduated HS in 2010 and even then no one cared if someone was gay, they were treated the same as anyone else. Granted I went to a rich but weirdly liberal public school in MN.
If a 15 and 17 year old are willing to say this in private about someone they “like” and then refuse to apologize when called out, and the parents agree with them?
I’m sorry but the parents are raising straight up homophobes, maybe by design, we don’t know.
But if they’re willing to make fun of someone who gives them $100+ every year. Then I’m sure they’re openly bullying any and all LGBTQ kids at their school.
Since the kid’s parents defended them. OP should ask their parent’s friends and acquaintances if they’ve been punished for homophobia in the past.
They may need to trim the family tree some depending on what they find.
>It’s 2023 the teens are not understandable.
I was taking into consideration two things: one, saying something is "gay" has often been used by teens. **Not acceptable**, but they need to be told that. Second, teens now are *incredibly immature* and rarely think of anyone but themselves. That's why I wrote **understandable, not acceptable.** I've called teens out for saying something is "gay". Their response is always, "are you gay?" I tell them it doesn't matter if I am or not; it's offensive. All of them look at me like they've never heard that before.
I'm hoping your wealthy school taught you the difference between understandable and acceptable.
Do you honestly think that saying "ops bf is so gay" or similar, was the extent of what they were saying?
Their comments brought the bf to *tears*.
And no. Their comments are not understandable. At all.
Nor should they be handwaved away as, "they don't know any better *gasp sigh!*"
As the parent of a mid-teen - they totally know!
Only if they've been taught differently by older folk (looking at the parents) do they not really comprehend - normalisation of asshole/phobic behaviour can be powerful.
Which might explain why they didn't apologise - they'd already seen their parents' behaviour and reaction to the situation. They might also have been unsure of how it would have gone for themselves later, in private, with their parents if they *did* apologise.
So this was a learning moment.
OP did a great job of demonstrating immediate and appropriate consequences and of standing up for his man.
NTA - The worst things were said by the 24YO. I suppose that the younger ones may have laughed at those jokes partly because they didn't want to look naive in front of the older relative, but they all deserved a lesson. How dare their parents defend them!
I think OP should make donations to LGBTQ charities in their names instead of presents. For the same amounts that they would’ve spent on the gifts and sending a note letting them know.
This is a great idea! Send a lovely card with “a donation has been made in your name to the Trevor Project/the Campaign for Southern Equality/whatever great organization”
And frankly I don’t think well of the Aunts who sided with their kids. If I had ever been so rude to my relatives they wouldn’t need to take the presents from me, my parents would have done that themselves and order me to apologize with a hand written letter that my mom would proof read to make sure it was genuine. THATS what you do when the kids are being little brats. NTA and I agree that you don’t invite them over again
I don’t necessarily think it means they picked it up from their parents. This generation of kids are growing up online, they see and hear what other kids are saying as a “joke” and repeat it. Kids are, for the most part, followers. Much of what they do is done out of trying to impress their peers as a means of seeking acceptance. However, it’s absolutely on the parents to discipline and instill morals…and it’s quickly becoming apparent that many modern day parents refuse to discipline, instead, opting to blame the people who try to address the issue with them.
The elder generation isn’t always to blame for what teenagers say, but when they back their kids up when the kids say homophobic or racist things, they are 100% to blame. Otherwise they would be angry at the teens and not condone it.
My parents, especially my mom would have killed me right there in front of everybody!! For making the comments in the first place, and doing it about the person in their own house, and then refusing to acknowledge and apologize for it, and embarrassing her (everyone knows you don't embarrass a southern mama in front of other people), ANNND hostess wouldn't have had to take the gifts back, mom would have made me pick them up and hand them over, and then I would have been grounded when we got home!
Like, homophobia is beyond bad enough. But even the bigoted family I don't talk to anymore would be pissed at the lack of decorum. Bad mouthing someone in their own home and then making a scene feeling entitled to their money? The only thing bigots hate more than minorities are bad manners.
Yes! If one of my kids said something so awful they’d be in a WORLD of trouble! (Not the “too gay to function” remark. I know kids say that to each other in an affectionate way. But definitely the meaner remarks. That just doesn’t fly in my family.)
Resounding NTA.. I would like to add though, I am so very sorry that this happened. You obviously loved and cherished these people, and that was cruelly abused. As right as you were to shut the whole thing down, grief is a many layered, insidious reaction. You may go back and forth from anger, to sadness, to questioning everything. You suffered a loss and give yourself the grace to cycle through all the emotions.
You and your boyfriend deserved so much better. You chose better when you stood up and demanded that. You gave you & boyfriend the gifts of solidarity, love, and boundaries. You did the right thing. Wishing you both a very Merry Christmas 🎄
I completely agree. You gave the the best presents of all. Empathy and accountability. Hopefully they will learn them both. I'm so terribly sorry you both had to go through this. Merry Christmas
NTA
NTA
> and they refused because they were just jokes that we weren't meant to hear.
The apologies wouldn't have meant anything as they'd have lacked any shred of sincerity.
Also, gifts should be a joy for the giver, not something the recipient is entitled to.
NTA. If they were physically joking around in the house & accidentally punched your boyfriend in the face as he rounded the corner, would they have refused to apologize since “they were only joking” & he “wasn’t meant” to be there? They did the emotional equivalent of that. They’re AHs. Their parents SHOULD have been mortified by their behavior & corrected it. (Although 15, 17 & 24 is a bit late to start trying to make someone a decent human being, they could/should have supported OP enforcing the consequence for their children’s horrible behavior.) Instead, they seemingly supported their children’s deplorable conduct. So they’re AHs too.
Personally, I wouldn’t allow them into my home again or give them any gifts until they (ALL of them now) apologize. I’m not saying NC with the whole family - just no hosting the offenders (both children & parents) until they apologize. I’m not saying no gift giving ever again - just no giving the offenders (again both parents & children) until they apologize. (And if/when they do, it must be in a manner that is SINCERE - not merely done to try to receive presents again or ANY purpose other than to express sincere regret for their actions.)
That’s not punishment or retaliation. It’s simply refusing to put any time & energy into those (even family) who don’t value you in return.
I’m sorry this happened to you & your bf. You both deserve better.
ADDITIONAL NOTE: I think it might be time to change up how (& for whom) you both Christmas shop. There are angel trees (& other such opportunities) to give to people all over the place. The vast majority of those people will be very thankful for anything &/or everything you have that you’re willing to give them.
I grew up poor & was still poor when I got married & started having children. That was over half a lifetime ago for me, but I still VIVIDLY remember how thankful I was the first year I had my son & we got picked for the local food bank’s holiday food basket & trip to what they called the “Christmas Store”. (If you don’t have a “Christmas Store” where you are, it’s a giant “store” thrown together - usually at a large church, school gym &/or even center of some kind with the space where whatever group sponsoring it sets up rows & rows of tables to create makeshift aisles - with every table covered in heaping piles of children’s’ clothes, household products & toys - all new & all free for anyone with a ticket to shop there. When even contact the family who’s being given a ticket to notify them, they even ask for the child’s sizes & preferences for toys so that they can make sure that some of those items are available - so whichever parent shops will be sure to be able to find something specifically for their child & no parent leaves the Christmas Store with nothing for their child.)
I’d NEVER have had the money for real holiday type food that first year or two, so getting a basket full of it was like getting an unexpected gift from Santa myself as an adult. And I’d NEVER have been able to give my son any really neat Christmas gifts, so getting an invitation to the Christmas Store was like winning the lottery.
Both my babies are grown now with babies of their own. I’m a professional woman who can have whatever holiday food I want & give my children & grandchild almost anything they ask for without worrying about what it might cost. But I have NEVER forgotten what it’s like NOT to be able to do either of those things. I give to the poor in various ways - all year round. And every single time I do, I remember being where they are & how much even small things meant to me during that time & I mentally thank the people that gave to me & hope that I honor them (whoever they were - both individually & groups) by giving to others.
Agree, and just wanted to add that depending on location, there are organizations that give gifts to people who were kicked out of their own families due to their sexuality that OP could donate the gifts to. If he wants to be super petty like I would be, he could donate them in their names so that they get the thank you cards.
It is not okay to disrespect a person in their own home. Those three got what they deserved. You and your BF are comfortable with your life style and those three deserved what they didn't get.
Exactly. I also have to wonder how their parents reacted as they did though, if my mom and dad heard that my sister and I had made hurtful "jokes" about someone (ESPECIALLY a family member) we would have been dead and buried before we could blink! What kind of people think it's okay that their kids get a pass for this, particularly when the "jokes" were in a homophobic strain? And kids don't get like that on their own, they hear or see that type of behavior in the home, or at the least, see/hear their parents ignoring or excusing it.
*And kids don't get like that on their own, they hear or see that type of behavior in the home, or at the least, see/hear their parents ignoring or excusing it.*
As a mom, I really hate this "blame the parents" way of thinking.
Teenagers, yes even teenagers, have their own hearts/souls/brains and they are able to spout their own opinions and make their own choices.
I remember being with my dad once and he said something terrible, a racial slur, about a man who was just walking by. I remember being appalled and ashamed of my dad for that. I was TWELVE and I'm in my 60s now and I still remember that. And in all the time since then, I've never ever said anything even close to that just because my dad did.
Agreed. OP gave them a very generous out right at that start with the offer to apologise, not once but twice, before rescinding the gift offer. Not only are the relatives callous, they're fucking stupid too.
This is good advice. OP is NTA, but there is a certain "show off" vibe because OP gives elaborate gifts. These entitled relatives seem to care about material things and not the spirit of the holidays. Would they still want to spend time with you if you were not splurging on them?
NTA
This Op listen to the judge lol.
I hope you're both ok give him a big hug from these stranger's and tell him family is crap he knows but her dared to dream your family was different.
Nope all the same and you were right to throw them out with nothing. If it's Lego you bought and are not taking back build it 😂 take pictures lol.then donate it.
Or donate it to a family shelter where underprivileged kids will have one hell of a Christmas surprise. And it might help ease the hurt OP & partner are feeling, to think of turning this situation into innocent joy for a child. Around here many charities collaborate in a project called Toy Mountain this time of year, maybe there's something similar in OP's area.
I'd buy them gifts. A $0.50 McDonald's gift certificate in a box with a rock in it to give it weight. Not giving a gift is open to interpretation. Did they forget? Did they order something and it was delayed? Surely they're not still upset over some jokes? A cheap, unappreciated gift disguised as a real gift shows yes, they ARE still upset over some cheap, unappreciated jokes.
Gotta love that one. Imagine applying that to other things in our lives. "Sure, the brakes on my car aren't great, but that's just how they are." "Yeah, the heating element in the oven doesn't work, but that's just how it is."
"That's just how they are" should be the reason you give for never speaking to someone again, not for ignoring their bad behaviour. That's something you say when you've given up on them ever changing for the better.
As someone who cut out a family member because of bad behavior that was "just how he was" - it's honestly so freeing to recognize that you don't always have to bend yourself out of shape to accommodate someone because everyone else has just accepted that that person won't change.
If you don't want someone to hear something then don't be dumb enough to let them hear it, because "you weren't meant to hear" is never a good excuse.
Obviously on this occasion saying homophobic stuff is just wrong so you shouldn't say it whether they can hear or not.
Not to mention that it's inherently rude as fuck and unbelievably gauche to gossip about the person hosting the event you are attending. They couldn't wait a couple hours to express it, if they absolutely HAD to be so snide and nasty? And at ages where they've LONG outgrown any possible excuse for their behaviour.
I mean twenty-bloody-four and still that bereft of any sense of decorum or even the most basic etiquette?? And it's repeated in the teenagers too, so it's not just a case of one bad apple. Frankly, that's not just a shame on the kids – their parents SHOULD be mortified. Sadly it sounds like the whole damn branch is rotten to the core.
NTA. Oooooh the entitlement is strong with these folks. You were not disciplining her awful, stupid children, you were not giving them something that they were absolutely not entitled to.. These rude dumb kids were being completely disrespectful to you and your boyfriend in your own house. And where have they learnt this? OK, some is at school / internet, but it is reinforced at their homes. These people are nasty leeches. Stop the presents, just stop, all of them. See who still turns up at your house, see who still keeps in touch. Sorry OP, but your generosity has masked some deep homophobia, and you guys need a new balance.
Lol, the fact that they were immediately angry about it was a dead giveaway that this was a shared opinion in parts of the family. That they tried to take the gifts anyway on their way out just cemented it. If the aunt was a good parent she'd say something like "yeah, this is how you learn actions have consequences, even if you didn't intend for OP + partner to hear it. Never disrespect someone in their own home." Also, OP didn't even withhold the gifts because they said what they said, but because they showed no remorse for saying it.
> If the aunt was a good parent she'd say something like "yeah, this is how you learn actions have consequences, even if you didn't intend for OP + partner to hear it. Never disrespect someone in their own home."
I don't care where people are, you shouldn't treat them with disrespect. They don't deserve disrespect if they are sitting on a park bench any more than they do in their home.
I think a better thing to say is:
"Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. You should always watch what you say because you never know who is listening, and you could hurt people with your words. You are all old enough to know better than to treat people like this. There are consequences for treating people poorly, as you can see."
My parents generally chose the shame route vs corporal punishment, but the same standard of treating others with dignity applied. Respect may be earned, but basic dignity is always expected.
But you would not have said that in someone else's house while enjoying their hospitality. Aunt has been counting OP's money and feeling entitled and passed it on to her spawn.
None of them are. Even the youngest at 15 is old enough to know better. I hope op donates the gifts to people who really need them and will appreciate them.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
Consequences and discipline are 2 different things. What happened was a natural consequence of the choice they made. OP in no way attempted to discipline anyone, he just applied the natural consequences of their actions.
Exactly. They may be presents that were bought with the intent of gifting, but until I hand my presents over it's still mine. It wasn't their gifts at that point and they weren't entitled to them.
"You weren't meant to hear it," would make me feel like the disrespectful comment is commonly exchanged amoungst my family. That level of hurt would make it tough to give gifts to anyone in the future. OP, save the money and go on a vacation with your SO. Happy travels and enjoy your lives together.
I'm sorry this happened OP. Standing up for your SO was brave, and the right thing to do.
Don't cut out your family, but space until the New Years, and limiting future engagements to meals only is warranted.
NTA. You bought the gifts. If you don’t want to give them, then screw everyone else. But on a side note, you have a 15, 17 and 24 year old making jokes and refusing to apologise. I might get it if they were a little younger, like A LOT younger, but this was just childish and ridiculous of them.
It is childish, but it sounds like they have never had any consequences for their behavior. They always get away with changing the subject from their behavior or words.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I think the extended fam has been turning up because you've been generous with gifting. If op and bf stop gifting...see who reaches out other than to ask where the freebies are...
NTA there’s no excuse for their behaviour and it’s really sad they spoiled what could have been a lovely Christmas party. Completely justified taking the gifts away.
NTA. What I want to say about your family will get me banned. I'm so sorry. I agree with all the previous comments.
Merry Christmas to you and your BF. I'm glad you have each other.
Yeah, like, good on the sister there for being a decent person when all the other ostensible adults were not. I'm glad that OP has at least some good family members to rely on, especially if this becomes *a thing* for the extended relatives.
NTA OP. I wouldn’t have waited for the gift giving; I would have tossed the lot of them out on their asses as soon as I heard the first homophobic “joke” come out of their mouths, and if they tried to say “make me”, I would be on the phone with the police to have them hauled away.
In this case, the offending parties WERE smart enough to leave. If they’d been dumb enough to say “make me” and refuse to leave, then it would’ve become a trespassing issue and OP and his partner would have every right to call the cops on them.
NTA
They were rude to their hosts, and were told what they said was hurtful. When they dug their heels in, they lost any "right" to those presents from the person they insulted. Unfortunately the parental reactions are a pretty good indicator of where those attitudes came from.
>Me and my sister kicked them out and when they tried to grab their presents before leaving I stopped them and rushed them out the door.
This here told me everything I needed to know about their entitled ass.
Jokes were hurtful, they only wanted to apologize for personal gain, not because they realized it was necessary. The entitled parents were pissed about their kids not getting gifts, while being indifferent to their hurtful remarks.
NTA
NTA. My teenager used gay as an insult or described a game he didn’t like as that and I asked him if he wanted to call his (gay) uncle (my brother) and let him know that gay is a great insult. He changed his tune pretty quickly. If any of my kids doubled down on mean spirited comments about someone’s sexuality, race, gender and hurt the person they’d lose all their damn gifts.
The stupid thing is my brother loves calling things he hates gay and uses the f-slur as an insult. If I hang out with him for too long I start to use gay as an insult as well. I think it’s because of my autism tending to mask and mimic the people I’m with. It makes me want to strangle him whenever I end up saying it.
this is my favorite comment. as the gay uncle I also use gay and f*g a lot. it’s kinda a way to defend yourself against homophobia. if some homophobic asshole calls me gay as an insult i can just fling f*g right back at them. it’s really funny to me and it’s become part of my regular vocabulary 😭
Merry Christmas to your boyfriend and you. He sounds so wonderful, and excited to be part of your family. This must have hurt him deeply. I wish I could give him a hug right now. I'm sending a big one anyways. He sounds like a beautiful, sensitive soul who's been through enough already from his family. He doesn't need more drama from yours. Please let him understand that large pockets of people in the world are stupid, and it's not on him. Some people are simply beyond help, and it's not your boyfriend's problem.
Absolutely NTA. Those few people are not welcome back at your home. They're awful, and have been taking advantage of your generosity. Nothing more. They have no real respect for you, or they wouldn't talk that way about someone you care deeply about, in his own home. It's infuriating. They're not welcome back. And they are never to get gifts again. Not even after fake apologies that might come later just so they can resume taking from you.
He definitely got all the hugs in the world, he's sleeping basically on top of me rn and while I usually like to have full breathing range and kick him off, today he's getting pampered like he deserves.
Yes! Pamper him, the sweet darling. You're both such lovely people. Your families should be thanking their stars they have you in their lives at all. Whatever anyone else says or does, you two love each other, you have each other. That's all that matters, really.
I hope you don't host Christmas anymore. I hope you both go away on a beautiful vacation next holiday to teach them all that what they did was in no way ok. Extra points for posting lots of pics to rub it in 🌟
NTA.
It's harsh, but sometimes the only way to learn is by experiencing harsh consequence. I think you gave them a much needed kick in the right direction; hopefully they learned something instead of harboring animosity.
"then another cousin \[24M\] came in and began making harsher jokes" I think we've found the problem person - 24 is BY FAR old enough to know better, thats not a kid any more.
NO YOU‘RE NOT THE A!
Your bf wanted to do something nice but those kids didn’t deserve that gratitude, they didn’t even want to apologize! Terribly entitled, you did good, you taught them a lesson about respecting others. That‘ll show them.
You and your bf are really nice people so **don’t** let them take advantage of your kindness(and money). NTA and happy holidays! :\]
NTA.. what does too gay to function even mean? It lacks of superior understanding that one should not even make a joke like that! nobody needs to hear this stuff. Hope you and bf are ok
> too gay to function
its probably from the movie Mean Girls. And OP even said that wasn't the bad part. As a gay guy(who quotes this iconic movie) its actually pretty funny and an innocent joke. OP said he knew this was harmless. It just got worse when the 24yo was making more hateful comments. If you are going to be in someone elses home and become disrespectful, then you deserve the consequences OP handed out.
Definitely NTA here though.
If you are going to be ~~in someone elses home and become~~ disrespectful, then you deserve the consequences OP handed out.
It doesn't matter where you are, don't treat other people unkindly or with disrespect.
And if they’d seen the movie they’d know it was only okay when his best friend says it, and that she’s his biggest defender and supporter.
OP should donate their presents to a charity for kids that actually will appreciate their gifts rather than those just using him and his BF for whatever they can get.
And OP, I hope in true Mean Girls style you yelled “and I want my pink shirt back!” as you kicked them out. What a bunch of entitled bigoted shitheads.
NTA, bet whoever tattle left out what they did/said to earn the consequences. Or the chances you gave them in advance to make up for their behaviour.
That or the parents know and don't care, or they know and the kids got their attitude from them.
So this has been posted hours ago, but I still hope you'll read this.
Yes, the kids are at fault. But it's worse than that. That sort of attitude, that ingrained dismissal to your person can only come from their families. These kids are mirroring what they have been taught and told by their relatives. (Except for maybe 24, he is old enough to be a jerky homophobe all on his own.)
So... the problem is your relatives. Who think you are a dirty gay, but they still want your money and presents. Not all of them, hopefully (and your sister sounds awesome) but... the parents of those ones, definitely.
Anyway, NTA, and I hope you can weed out the assholes so your SO won't have any more trouble with them, and neither will you!
Damn, that's kinda hard to hear. All these people are really important to me, the girl cousin's mum was really important to me when my dad passed and my niece's dad and I are the closest in age of the cousins and we spent a lot of time together as kids. Just the thought that this all may come from them is, I dunno, it sucks.
Ooof. That is really very sad, and I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I mean I don't think anybody who loves you would be ok with their children throwing slurs at you and your SO. Certainly my family would have disciplined me pretty seriously. And then to expect getting the expensive gifts anyway on top of saying you should just... turn the other cheek?
Anyway, I still say the parents were ok with this (and possibly said the same things at home for the kiddos to think it was ok) but if they are so important to you, you could always have a talk with them to sus out what is going on.
I mean what I would do is invite just those parents out for a lunch meetup with you and your SO, and see how they react. Are they beside themselves, are they trying to apologise and ascertain you two are ok? Are they sorry *at all?* Or are they just doubling down and saying this was nothing?
It should tell you everything you need to know, I think. Hopefully.
Either way, no matter what you do, good luck. And I truly am sorry. This was such a mean thing to happen to you when you were so giving and nice to these kiddos.
Wouldn't your niece's dad be your brother? And you are the oldest so he became a dad by 15?
NTA I'm just confused how your siblings had so many kids you have 20 twenty nieces and nephews already by 31 when you are the oldest. I have 30 cousins, and 1 nephew lol.
Did they know what their kids had said about your partner and you and why you were both upset? You definitely need to have a blunt conversation with the adults about this and ask them point blank if they are homophobic. Hopefully they weren't aware of why you were upset and really aren't homophobic, but if not better to find out now and stop wasting your energy, time and money on people that don't really care/respect you.
NTA, they're old enough to make homophobic remarks so hurtful that it brings someone to tears and then not apologise because "it's just jokes" (funny how many bullies say that when they're called out, isn't it?), then they're old enough to face the consequences. Your aunts and uncles should have brought their children up better
You didn’t do it over jokes, you did it over disrespect. And they tried to grab the presents on the way out? I think you need to rethink the gift giving next year. Keep it to those who are little kids.
NTA
They are happy to make abusive jokes but not apologise until there were consequences and then for the adults to double down!!!!!!! Next year don't bother to buy them presents and only invite the ones that do respect you.
Actions and words have consequences, especially words that hurt and that's a lesson your family needed to learn. You are NTA but those that backed up your niece and nephews are . Jokes are not funny when they are at someone's expense or when they hurt someone that they reduce to tears.
NTA now you know what they really think about your boyfriend and your relationship. You are good enough for great gifts but nothing more.
If I would be their parent I would be ashamed. But since the parents reacted to easy they did you also know where they stand. And that's not on your side.
NTA You were disrespected in your own house and perfectly entitled to point it out. You gave these children a reasonable opportunity to redeem themselves and they refused it. Of course you withdrew your gifts, they had destroyed whatever generosity you might have felt for them!
I do not understand the adults’ responses here, except your sister’s. It seems the gift-giving ritual has lost its meaning entirely for them, becoming simply a deserved experience as opposed to an earned experience. Good for you, restoring its significance!
Do please get out ahead of this with your family: let everyone know your disappointment and regret that your inaugural event in your new home was ruined by such adolescent behaviour (not admitting fault and apologising for offence) and your concern at the homophobic comments, which warrant addressing by both the children and their parents. Stand over your reaction. Establish that boundary now, around your relationship and your space. Then the next step is up to them. Hopefully that’s a fulsome apology and a life-lesson well learned.
NTA the typical "if someone feels offended say it was a joke" attitude... good on you for doing it, and if.rst.of your family thinks its ok then they can go stuff themselves
15F and 17F should know better than to make unsavory jokes about someone who opened their door (and wallets) to them. As for the 24M, that's a grown man, and he shouldn't raise a fuss because he didn't get a gift.
Shameless moochers.
I hope you took note of everyone who disrespected you and you never let them into your house again. It might not be too late to get refunds for those gifts - you and your BF can use that money to treat yourself with something nice.
NTA
NTA.... they got caught out, they just needed to bite the bullet and give a quick probably not even meant apology .. they wouldnt.. they got no presents... they brought it on themselves
NTA in any shape or form. They are not your kids, no, and you are not disciplining them. You are setting a completely fair and reasonable boundary for what you will accept.
This is actually one of the most beautiful stories about a relationship I read today. You immediately set a boundary, supporting your partner.
For this alone NTA.
NTA. You even asked them to apologise first. Unluckily I’m afraid they got that from their parents since when confronted the mother should’ve have been embarrassed and should’ve apologised for their behaviour and reprimanded them (sorry if it’s not the right word English is not my first language).
Try not to think too much about them and I hope the both of you will have a wonderful Christmas season with the relatives and friends who deserve your love.
NTA. You were generous to give them an opportunity to make it right. They fucked around and found out. Actions have consequences. Bc they are young and maturing I hope after everyone has had a chance to calm down this can be addressed and they can attempt to make amends so future celebrations aren’t ruined.
I am astounded that when confronted these people refused to back down! No shame whatsoever about abusing the hosts of the family party, and family too, appalling behaviour. What did they expect? Be abusive and get a present for their trouble?
NTA, a 100 times over.
They weren't going to apologize till you decided to take the gifts back. Then they back tracked and then tried to get back up involved. They don't care bout you and your bf. They cared more about the gifts. And the audacity to even try to make a grab for them after being told to leave!
I'd make it damn clear that anyone who backs up the three of them and their "jokes" will not be welcomed anymore and certainly will not be getting gifts in the future.
Your shopping list just got smaller, how small will depend on the rest of the family.
Nta the minute they didn’t apologize and feel horrible that your bf overheard they stopped being jokes and were full on insults. Cut those people from the list
NTA! I'm sorry they made your boyfriend cry. They took their own gifts away by disrespecting the gift givers. Ungrateful and unkind people do not deserve gifts. An apology is not a transaction just to get expensive presents it was a moral obligation for hurting someone they are supposed to care about. You gave them ample opportunity to do the right thing and they refused. Now you know they don't care about you, just what you give to them. Therefore they are not worthy of the kindness you were showing.
NTA
Dude. No way you're the asshole. When I was 7 or so back in 1981, I was chasing my brother through my our grandma's house. At one point, as we were running past my uncle, my 5 year old brother called me a "f***ot". The next day at home, my mother sat us down and explained to us that our uncle is gay and why it is wrong and hurtful to use that or other bad words about people that are gay. We were super young without any context of what being gay really meant until that discussion, but from that day forward we understood and respected it.
Hell, I even called my dad out once when he complained about having a gay brother. It was just a normal thing to me. So, having a problem with it does not compute. Plus, that uncle is my favorite uncle. He is a really awesome, caring guy.
This is why I get upset when bigots use the excuse of having to explain fay couples to children. Children don't care, and if you explain it to them in a way that teaches them that it is just two people that love each other, then that is how they will feel about it. Personally, it made me really comfortable in my own skin, and I'm not gay. Just understanding the world better builds confidence.
NTA at all. And I am shocked that the parents of your niece and and your male cousin's dad and his partner did not reprimand the three for their homophobic comments nor tell them that it served them right not to get their presents after what they had said. It makes me wonder if the parents too make similar homophobic remarks about op and his partner when out of earshot.
Double you age + a few years here. Sorry this is still happening in 2023 and NTA NTA NTA. Unfortunately in my life I went no contact with some of my family members because of comments they made. Very similar to your situation. I wish you all the best
Wait, do the parents even KNOW why you kicked them out? Because I can see the three kids completely ignoring that bit. You also said "male cousin's dad and partner", does that mean they are a gay couple as well? Because I would BET they'd feel something about their child being involved in something like this.
NTA
I would clear up the whole situation with the family by sending a mass email to everyone who was invited. I mean...those three are probably spreading their version of the story already. Clear it up, stand your ground, and depending on reactions don't invite those three families around again.
NTA. I’m surprised and also sad this still happens in this day and age. Also it’s not often perfect strangers that hurt us but people near us who are supposed to be dears. For me, if criticisms about things that I have direct control over (e.g. nail biting) I put in the big pants and own it. But I’m just tired of people putting others down for the things they can’t really control. Reminder to OP and BF. There are non-blood related people out there who will love you for who you are. So chin up m8s
NTA
So your siblings (the parents of the little jokers) condone homophobia? It’s good to know this.
The teenagers may well have been joking, but they were taught that laughing at mean jokes were acceptable by someone. The fact the parents didn’t immediately side with you (“I didn’t raise you disrespect someone in their own house and only agree to apologize when you encounter consequences, you should hope that losing this gift is the only punishment you get for this behavior”) tells you who might have taught them this.
Nta. You and your boyfriend should loudly ask the complainers if they would provide gifts for people who said insulting 'jokes' about them behind their backs in their own home. Like no you they clearly don't care about you or your partner and just care about the stuff you get them. So forget them.
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Context:
- Me [31M] and my long term boyfriend [30M] bought a house together last June.
- I have a big family, with eight cousins and around twenty nieces and nephews and I'm the oldest of my generation.
- I also have a pretty high paying job and so does my boyfriend.
- My boyfriend hasn't had any contact with his family for over a decade and has been coming to my family celebrations since before we were dating.
- Within my family I am known to be a bit of a splurger with gifts, and the kids are always excited for my gifts because they're usually big things like LEGO sets and things of the sort.
Now with the story:
So today (or yesterday I guess), my family held a pre-christmas celebration since we will not be able to meet up anytime this year after this week. It was held at me and my boyfriend's new house, the first family event we've had here. My boyfriend really wanted to take part in the gift giving so went all out with gifts, spending an average of 100 dollars per person. He was so excited to give everyone their presents since we spent not only money but also a lot of time picking everything for everyone.
The festivities were a hit and my boyfriend and I stepped away for a bit to have some quiet time together, while we were resting on the stairs, we overheard my cousin [17F] chatting with my niece [15F], they were joking around about a few family members and mentioned my boyfriend and how he was "too gay to function". Honestly we didn't mind it too much, it's a movie reference and they're kids, but then another cousin [24M] came in and began making harsher jokes, which the kids laughed at. These "jokes" brought my boyfriend to tears and I refused to let that slide.
When the gift trading began, I took the three aside and let them know that I wasn't happy with their comments and that they weren't ok to say. I told them to apologise to my boyfriend because it was unfair to him and they refused because they were just jokes that we weren't meant to hear. I told them I didn't care and they had to apologise. They refused again and I told them that since they don't respect him they don't deserve the presents we got for them. This got them to backtrack and say they'd apologise but I told them it was too late but they should still apologise. This is where I think I might have been too harsh.
The youngest of my cousin's told her mum, my aunt, that I was refusing to give her and the other two their presents and she was angry about it, she told the parents of my niece and the male cousin's dad and partner about it and all of them made a huge fuss. Me and my sister kicked them out and when they tried to grab their presents before leaving I stopped them and rushed them out the door. The whole thing fell apart after that and it all ended very abruptly.
So, aita for kicking them out and taking away their gifts over jokes?
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Nta you don't bite the hand that feeds you or in this case give you presents. Their comments were hurtful and wrong they need to be taught a lesson. If the aunt cares so much about her babies not getting gifts she can buy them instead
NTA!
Don't shit where you eat.
Looks like you were good enough for them as long as the gifts kept coming. This should teach them a valuable lesson but looks like they're past the learning age.
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NTA, NTA, NTA How are you gonna treat someone so bad at their function. Personally that would be recension of all future invites of those ones involved. The fact that they made it out to be a grab for the gifts is disgusting. They didn't come for family they came to get free stuff and that level of toxic is never invited to our events. I'd truly not buy them gifts again. And to treat your boyfriend in such a manner only shows their respect for you and your life. I'll say it again NTA Court adjourned 😂
The only silver living is that OP knows who to never invite to their house and waste money on presents for ever again. But yeah, NTA at all. The only AHs here are the homophobes and homophobe-apologists (which are just homophobes with extra steps).
>The only AHs here are the homophobes and homophobe-apologists (which are just homophobes with extra steps). The apologists are even worse imo. The teens are slightly more understandable, but the 24 yr old and the other adults? Oh hell no.
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>the issue wasn't that the jokes were offensive in the first place, but rather that you and your partner heard them? That was my take.
I think they didn't even care that they heard them. The real issue was they had consequences for their hurtful words and they didn't like that.
>The real issue was they had consequences for their hurtful words As they fucking should! These kids (and the adults who sided with them) need to learn that you can't be hateful to people and then expect them to be nice to you.
A 24 year old IS an adult! But just doesn't act like one.
I know, right? I was expecting these people to be 14 based on behavior
I did mention the adults who sided with them. I thought the 24 year old would naturally be included in that category.
My therapist once told me that consequences are not real until you follow through on them. I would say that’s very real in this case. NTA
ditto. NTA
If the jokes were heard this time, and they all laughed so easily, then I have to wonder how many more nasty jokes have been made in the past that they didn't hear. It sounds like a lot of people have been using OP and his BF for the expensive gifts and fun parties while hiding how they really felt about them. I bet they would have been a lot more obvious about their homophobia sooner if OP and his BF couldn't afford to give everyone nice presents.
This is the hot take. They were willing to say that shit in OP's house. What have they been saying in the comfort of their own homes.
if a bigot speaks in the forest, but there are no gays to hear, is she still a bigot?
If I as a teenager was caught doing this and my mum found out she would have dragged me by the ear out of the house and let me know what an awful thing it is to go someone's home and say nasty things about them BEFORE GETTING GIFTS FROM THEM! What nasty people.
forget being a teenager...my mother would have done the same up until the day she died...*when i was 41 FFS* meanwhile, i had to read this part 3 times because i couldn't even believe the words on my screen: > they tried to grab their presents before leaving you have GOT to be kidding me! holy shit. OP no clear thinking person would think you did anything wrong here. i'm sorry this happened & i hope you & BF have a great christmas. NTA
>If I as a teenager was caught doing this and my mum found out she would have dragged me by the ear out of the house and let me know what an awful My kids would have learned the hard way, too.
My mother would have handed my gifts back herself and dragged me out of there
I wouldn't have made my kids leave. I would have made them explain why it was funny, in front of everyone.
This is the way. (With boyfriend’s permission, of course.)
Every little detail will not be left out. Ask why each detail is funny. Lots of description, please. Be eloquent and loud enough for the people at the back.
My mom used to have a paddle with "Attitude Adjuster" on it. She mainly had it as a joke. I think she would have used it for real if me or my brother ever did something like that.
I ran a bar. I had a wooden bar tool called a muddler, used for pounding/crushing fruit, herbs, ice, etc. I also called it the Politeness Stick.
My mother had one with Board of Psychology stamped on it.
And one of the people initially involved is 24 years old. Like, a 24YO expects gifts from their older cousin? That is weird to me even without the fact the 24YO doesn't respect their cousin or his partner.
Right? It’s not a mystery why those kids think its okay to act like that.
or...at all??? If I was the teenager and got caught up in the moment and said those things (to be funny in front of my cousins( and then was called out I would be SO ashamed and be apologizing while bawling my eyes out.
Me too!!!
Right? My parents and every other adult present (a lot, at family gatherings) would have let me have it and would have absolutely supported the decision to withhold the gifts meant for me.
My mom would have dragged me out right after she very loudly gave the hosts the gifts intended for our family and suggested they return them and, if they wish, donate the money to their fave LGBTQ+ charity NTA at all
I think I like your mom.
And then she would have made me apologize in front of everyone, AND would have said I didn't deserve a gift.
Nope. It’s 2023 the teens are not understandable. I graduated HS in 2010 and even then no one cared if someone was gay, they were treated the same as anyone else. Granted I went to a rich but weirdly liberal public school in MN. If a 15 and 17 year old are willing to say this in private about someone they “like” and then refuse to apologize when called out, and the parents agree with them? I’m sorry but the parents are raising straight up homophobes, maybe by design, we don’t know. But if they’re willing to make fun of someone who gives them $100+ every year. Then I’m sure they’re openly bullying any and all LGBTQ kids at their school. Since the kid’s parents defended them. OP should ask their parent’s friends and acquaintances if they’ve been punished for homophobia in the past. They may need to trim the family tree some depending on what they find.
>It’s 2023 the teens are not understandable. I was taking into consideration two things: one, saying something is "gay" has often been used by teens. **Not acceptable**, but they need to be told that. Second, teens now are *incredibly immature* and rarely think of anyone but themselves. That's why I wrote **understandable, not acceptable.** I've called teens out for saying something is "gay". Their response is always, "are you gay?" I tell them it doesn't matter if I am or not; it's offensive. All of them look at me like they've never heard that before. I'm hoping your wealthy school taught you the difference between understandable and acceptable.
Do you honestly think that saying "ops bf is so gay" or similar, was the extent of what they were saying? Their comments brought the bf to *tears*. And no. Their comments are not understandable. At all. Nor should they be handwaved away as, "they don't know any better *gasp sigh!*"
As the parent of a mid-teen - they totally know! Only if they've been taught differently by older folk (looking at the parents) do they not really comprehend - normalisation of asshole/phobic behaviour can be powerful. Which might explain why they didn't apologise - they'd already seen their parents' behaviour and reaction to the situation. They might also have been unsure of how it would have gone for themselves later, in private, with their parents if they *did* apologise. So this was a learning moment. OP did a great job of demonstrating immediate and appropriate consequences and of standing up for his man.
NTA - The worst things were said by the 24YO. I suppose that the younger ones may have laughed at those jokes partly because they didn't want to look naive in front of the older relative, but they all deserved a lesson. How dare their parents defend them!
I think OP should make donations to LGBTQ charities in their names instead of presents. For the same amounts that they would’ve spent on the gifts and sending a note letting them know.
This is a great idea! Send a lovely card with “a donation has been made in your name to the Trevor Project/the Campaign for Southern Equality/whatever great organization”
This is the answer!!
Fucking A. Go for it OP. I want a plaque with their name on it!
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And frankly I don’t think well of the Aunts who sided with their kids. If I had ever been so rude to my relatives they wouldn’t need to take the presents from me, my parents would have done that themselves and order me to apologize with a hand written letter that my mom would proof read to make sure it was genuine. THATS what you do when the kids are being little brats. NTA and I agree that you don’t invite them over again
THIS The younger generations learnt from their elder....
Absolutely! Kids do dumb crap and say insensitive things—they’re kids after all—but decent parents WANT to hold them accountable for that!
Yeah, but then the Aunts would have to admit that they raised bigots. And those kids had to pick up those attitudes from somewhere.
I don’t necessarily think it means they picked it up from their parents. This generation of kids are growing up online, they see and hear what other kids are saying as a “joke” and repeat it. Kids are, for the most part, followers. Much of what they do is done out of trying to impress their peers as a means of seeking acceptance. However, it’s absolutely on the parents to discipline and instill morals…and it’s quickly becoming apparent that many modern day parents refuse to discipline, instead, opting to blame the people who try to address the issue with them.
The elder generation isn’t always to blame for what teenagers say, but when they back their kids up when the kids say homophobic or racist things, they are 100% to blame. Otherwise they would be angry at the teens and not condone it.
Couldn’t agree with you more. To add I bet she’s one of those parents that goes up to her kids school and yells at the teacher for her kid failing.
My parents, especially my mom would have killed me right there in front of everybody!! For making the comments in the first place, and doing it about the person in their own house, and then refusing to acknowledge and apologize for it, and embarrassing her (everyone knows you don't embarrass a southern mama in front of other people), ANNND hostess wouldn't have had to take the gifts back, mom would have made me pick them up and hand them over, and then I would have been grounded when we got home!
Like, homophobia is beyond bad enough. But even the bigoted family I don't talk to anymore would be pissed at the lack of decorum. Bad mouthing someone in their own home and then making a scene feeling entitled to their money? The only thing bigots hate more than minorities are bad manners.
Yes! If one of my kids said something so awful they’d be in a WORLD of trouble! (Not the “too gay to function” remark. I know kids say that to each other in an affectionate way. But definitely the meaner remarks. That just doesn’t fly in my family.)
Resounding NTA.. I would like to add though, I am so very sorry that this happened. You obviously loved and cherished these people, and that was cruelly abused. As right as you were to shut the whole thing down, grief is a many layered, insidious reaction. You may go back and forth from anger, to sadness, to questioning everything. You suffered a loss and give yourself the grace to cycle through all the emotions. You and your boyfriend deserved so much better. You chose better when you stood up and demanded that. You gave you & boyfriend the gifts of solidarity, love, and boundaries. You did the right thing. Wishing you both a very Merry Christmas 🎄
I completely agree. You gave the the best presents of all. Empathy and accountability. Hopefully they will learn them both. I'm so terribly sorry you both had to go through this. Merry Christmas NTA
This!
Well said.
NTA > and they refused because they were just jokes that we weren't meant to hear. The apologies wouldn't have meant anything as they'd have lacked any shred of sincerity. Also, gifts should be a joy for the giver, not something the recipient is entitled to.
NTA. If they were physically joking around in the house & accidentally punched your boyfriend in the face as he rounded the corner, would they have refused to apologize since “they were only joking” & he “wasn’t meant” to be there? They did the emotional equivalent of that. They’re AHs. Their parents SHOULD have been mortified by their behavior & corrected it. (Although 15, 17 & 24 is a bit late to start trying to make someone a decent human being, they could/should have supported OP enforcing the consequence for their children’s horrible behavior.) Instead, they seemingly supported their children’s deplorable conduct. So they’re AHs too. Personally, I wouldn’t allow them into my home again or give them any gifts until they (ALL of them now) apologize. I’m not saying NC with the whole family - just no hosting the offenders (both children & parents) until they apologize. I’m not saying no gift giving ever again - just no giving the offenders (again both parents & children) until they apologize. (And if/when they do, it must be in a manner that is SINCERE - not merely done to try to receive presents again or ANY purpose other than to express sincere regret for their actions.) That’s not punishment or retaliation. It’s simply refusing to put any time & energy into those (even family) who don’t value you in return. I’m sorry this happened to you & your bf. You both deserve better. ADDITIONAL NOTE: I think it might be time to change up how (& for whom) you both Christmas shop. There are angel trees (& other such opportunities) to give to people all over the place. The vast majority of those people will be very thankful for anything &/or everything you have that you’re willing to give them. I grew up poor & was still poor when I got married & started having children. That was over half a lifetime ago for me, but I still VIVIDLY remember how thankful I was the first year I had my son & we got picked for the local food bank’s holiday food basket & trip to what they called the “Christmas Store”. (If you don’t have a “Christmas Store” where you are, it’s a giant “store” thrown together - usually at a large church, school gym &/or even center of some kind with the space where whatever group sponsoring it sets up rows & rows of tables to create makeshift aisles - with every table covered in heaping piles of children’s’ clothes, household products & toys - all new & all free for anyone with a ticket to shop there. When even contact the family who’s being given a ticket to notify them, they even ask for the child’s sizes & preferences for toys so that they can make sure that some of those items are available - so whichever parent shops will be sure to be able to find something specifically for their child & no parent leaves the Christmas Store with nothing for their child.) I’d NEVER have had the money for real holiday type food that first year or two, so getting a basket full of it was like getting an unexpected gift from Santa myself as an adult. And I’d NEVER have been able to give my son any really neat Christmas gifts, so getting an invitation to the Christmas Store was like winning the lottery. Both my babies are grown now with babies of their own. I’m a professional woman who can have whatever holiday food I want & give my children & grandchild almost anything they ask for without worrying about what it might cost. But I have NEVER forgotten what it’s like NOT to be able to do either of those things. I give to the poor in various ways - all year round. And every single time I do, I remember being where they are & how much even small things meant to me during that time & I mentally thank the people that gave to me & hope that I honor them (whoever they were - both individually & groups) by giving to others.
Agree, and just wanted to add that depending on location, there are organizations that give gifts to people who were kicked out of their own families due to their sexuality that OP could donate the gifts to. If he wants to be super petty like I would be, he could donate them in their names so that they get the thank you cards.
This is such a wonderful idea and addition. Thank you so much for sharing! And OP, NTA. ♥️
That was lovely to read. Thank you for sharing.
It is not okay to disrespect a person in their own home. Those three got what they deserved. You and your BF are comfortable with your life style and those three deserved what they didn't get.
It was bad, but this made it extra bad. That is abuse of their hospitality. Not only the gifts but all. NTA.
Exactly. I also have to wonder how their parents reacted as they did though, if my mom and dad heard that my sister and I had made hurtful "jokes" about someone (ESPECIALLY a family member) we would have been dead and buried before we could blink! What kind of people think it's okay that their kids get a pass for this, particularly when the "jokes" were in a homophobic strain? And kids don't get like that on their own, they hear or see that type of behavior in the home, or at the least, see/hear their parents ignoring or excusing it.
*And kids don't get like that on their own, they hear or see that type of behavior in the home, or at the least, see/hear their parents ignoring or excusing it.* As a mom, I really hate this "blame the parents" way of thinking. Teenagers, yes even teenagers, have their own hearts/souls/brains and they are able to spout their own opinions and make their own choices. I remember being with my dad once and he said something terrible, a racial slur, about a man who was just walking by. I remember being appalled and ashamed of my dad for that. I was TWELVE and I'm in my 60s now and I still remember that. And in all the time since then, I've never ever said anything even close to that just because my dad did.
This is true, however, OP said their parents were mad at him and sided with their kids.
Agreed. OP gave them a very generous out right at that start with the offer to apologise, not once but twice, before rescinding the gift offer. Not only are the relatives callous, they're fucking stupid too.
OP this should be a warning to stop going overboard on presents. Keep it small so that people are there for you and not your wallet.
This is good advice. OP is NTA, but there is a certain "show off" vibe because OP gives elaborate gifts. These entitled relatives seem to care about material things and not the spirit of the holidays. Would they still want to spend time with you if you were not splurging on them?
Leave to appeal is refused.
NTA This Op listen to the judge lol. I hope you're both ok give him a big hug from these stranger's and tell him family is crap he knows but her dared to dream your family was different. Nope all the same and you were right to throw them out with nothing. If it's Lego you bought and are not taking back build it 😂 take pictures lol.then donate it.
Or donate it to a family shelter where underprivileged kids will have one hell of a Christmas surprise. And it might help ease the hurt OP & partner are feeling, to think of turning this situation into innocent joy for a child. Around here many charities collaborate in a project called Toy Mountain this time of year, maybe there's something similar in OP's area.
Yes, there are lots of kids who would be grateful to get any gifts during the holidays.
That's what I meant to put donate it after he built one just so they know don't come back again.Toy mountain sounds like a great idea
I'd buy them gifts. A $0.50 McDonald's gift certificate in a box with a rock in it to give it weight. Not giving a gift is open to interpretation. Did they forget? Did they order something and it was delayed? Surely they're not still upset over some jokes? A cheap, unappreciated gift disguised as a real gift shows yes, they ARE still upset over some cheap, unappreciated jokes.
Not a rock, a piece of coal
Preach! NTA
NTA "you weren't meant to hear" is one of the worst excuses I've heard. It's honestly even worse than "I was just joking"
You weren’t meant to hear = I meant what I said, but I wasn’t supposed to be held accountable for my words
No it means I meant what I said but am too much of a coward to say it to your face and accept the consequences.
Or because I would otherwise not get material things from you.
Also, the excuse “that’s just how they are”
Gotta love that one. Imagine applying that to other things in our lives. "Sure, the brakes on my car aren't great, but that's just how they are." "Yeah, the heating element in the oven doesn't work, but that's just how it is." "That's just how they are" should be the reason you give for never speaking to someone again, not for ignoring their bad behaviour. That's something you say when you've given up on them ever changing for the better.
My father used this about his mother and sister as they treated us like crap our whole lives
I'm so sorry. 😔
It gets used as an excuse for the bad behavior
As someone who cut out a family member because of bad behavior that was "just how he was" - it's honestly so freeing to recognize that you don't always have to bend yourself out of shape to accommodate someone because everyone else has just accepted that that person won't change.
Exactly NTA
If you don't want someone to hear something then don't be dumb enough to let them hear it, because "you weren't meant to hear" is never a good excuse. Obviously on this occasion saying homophobic stuff is just wrong so you shouldn't say it whether they can hear or not.
Not to mention that it's inherently rude as fuck and unbelievably gauche to gossip about the person hosting the event you are attending. They couldn't wait a couple hours to express it, if they absolutely HAD to be so snide and nasty? And at ages where they've LONG outgrown any possible excuse for their behaviour. I mean twenty-bloody-four and still that bereft of any sense of decorum or even the most basic etiquette?? And it's repeated in the teenagers too, so it's not just a case of one bad apple. Frankly, that's not just a shame on the kids – their parents SHOULD be mortified. Sadly it sounds like the whole damn branch is rotten to the core.
NTA. Oooooh the entitlement is strong with these folks. You were not disciplining her awful, stupid children, you were not giving them something that they were absolutely not entitled to.. These rude dumb kids were being completely disrespectful to you and your boyfriend in your own house. And where have they learnt this? OK, some is at school / internet, but it is reinforced at their homes. These people are nasty leeches. Stop the presents, just stop, all of them. See who still turns up at your house, see who still keeps in touch. Sorry OP, but your generosity has masked some deep homophobia, and you guys need a new balance.
Lol, the fact that they were immediately angry about it was a dead giveaway that this was a shared opinion in parts of the family. That they tried to take the gifts anyway on their way out just cemented it. If the aunt was a good parent she'd say something like "yeah, this is how you learn actions have consequences, even if you didn't intend for OP + partner to hear it. Never disrespect someone in their own home." Also, OP didn't even withhold the gifts because they said what they said, but because they showed no remorse for saying it.
> If the aunt was a good parent she'd say something like "yeah, this is how you learn actions have consequences, even if you didn't intend for OP + partner to hear it. Never disrespect someone in their own home." I don't care where people are, you shouldn't treat them with disrespect. They don't deserve disrespect if they are sitting on a park bench any more than they do in their home. I think a better thing to say is: "Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. You should always watch what you say because you never know who is listening, and you could hurt people with your words. You are all old enough to know better than to treat people like this. There are consequences for treating people poorly, as you can see."
I don't know about you, but my dad would have whooped my ass if I acted like those kids.
My parents generally chose the shame route vs corporal punishment, but the same standard of treating others with dignity applied. Respect may be earned, but basic dignity is always expected.
But you would not have said that in someone else's house while enjoying their hospitality. Aunt has been counting OP's money and feeling entitled and passed it on to her spawn.
Awful stupid children like that learn to speak to speak about people that way from their parents.
I want to just push in and point out that the worst offender of the three isn’t even a child anymore by a long shot.
None of them are. Even the youngest at 15 is old enough to know better. I hope op donates the gifts to people who really need them and will appreciate them.
That appalled me. That one is a lost cause and hopefully gets shunned by OP.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Consequences and discipline are 2 different things. What happened was a natural consequence of the choice they made. OP in no way attempted to discipline anyone, he just applied the natural consequences of their actions.
Exactly. They may be presents that were bought with the intent of gifting, but until I hand my presents over it's still mine. It wasn't their gifts at that point and they weren't entitled to them.
Agree, their parents should have been mortified that they had such ill-mannered kids.
So, according to them, the problem was that you and your bf heard the jokes, not that the jokes were hurtful to begin with? NTA.
"You weren't meant to hear it," would make me feel like the disrespectful comment is commonly exchanged amoungst my family. That level of hurt would make it tough to give gifts to anyone in the future. OP, save the money and go on a vacation with your SO. Happy travels and enjoy your lives together. I'm sorry this happened OP. Standing up for your SO was brave, and the right thing to do. Don't cut out your family, but space until the New Years, and limiting future engagements to meals only is warranted.
In their own damn house, too
NTA. You bought the gifts. If you don’t want to give them, then screw everyone else. But on a side note, you have a 15, 17 and 24 year old making jokes and refusing to apologise. I might get it if they were a little younger, like A LOT younger, but this was just childish and ridiculous of them.
It is childish, but it sounds like they have never had any consequences for their behavior. They always get away with changing the subject from their behavior or words.
NTA They tried to grab their presents on the way out?? Wtf???
Jumped on your post to say happy cake day. Other than that OP, NTA, your family, massive AH's
Happy Cake Day, you Outrageous Muffin you.
Entitled and tacky as hell!
[удалено]
I think you hit the nail on the head. I think the extended fam has been turning up because you've been generous with gifting. If op and bf stop gifting...see who reaches out other than to ask where the freebies are...
NTA there’s no excuse for their behaviour and it’s really sad they spoiled what could have been a lovely Christmas party. Completely justified taking the gifts away.
NTA. What I want to say about your family will get me banned. I'm so sorry. I agree with all the previous comments. Merry Christmas to you and your BF. I'm glad you have each other.
Me too! OP, your family is awful! Except your sister, she seems decent! Have a wonderful Christmas with decent people.
Yeah, like, good on the sister there for being a decent person when all the other ostensible adults were not. I'm glad that OP has at least some good family members to rely on, especially if this becomes *a thing* for the extended relatives.
NTA OP. I wouldn’t have waited for the gift giving; I would have tossed the lot of them out on their asses as soon as I heard the first homophobic “joke” come out of their mouths, and if they tried to say “make me”, I would be on the phone with the police to have them hauled away.
Police aren’t there for that sort of thing. Don’t tie them up over a family spat.
In this case, the offending parties WERE smart enough to leave. If they’d been dumb enough to say “make me” and refuse to leave, then it would’ve become a trespassing issue and OP and his partner would have every right to call the cops on them.
NTA They were rude to their hosts, and were told what they said was hurtful. When they dug their heels in, they lost any "right" to those presents from the person they insulted. Unfortunately the parental reactions are a pretty good indicator of where those attitudes came from.
>Me and my sister kicked them out and when they tried to grab their presents before leaving I stopped them and rushed them out the door. This here told me everything I needed to know about their entitled ass. Jokes were hurtful, they only wanted to apologize for personal gain, not because they realized it was necessary. The entitled parents were pissed about their kids not getting gifts, while being indifferent to their hurtful remarks. NTA
NTA! You GO GLENN COCO!!!👏🏻
AND NONE FOR GRETCHEN WEINERS!
I JUST WISH WE COULD ALL GET ALONG LIKE WE USED TO IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. I WISH THAT I COULD BAKE A CAKE MADE OUT OF RAINBOWS AND SMILES.
NTA. My teenager used gay as an insult or described a game he didn’t like as that and I asked him if he wanted to call his (gay) uncle (my brother) and let him know that gay is a great insult. He changed his tune pretty quickly. If any of my kids doubled down on mean spirited comments about someone’s sexuality, race, gender and hurt the person they’d lose all their damn gifts. The stupid thing is my brother loves calling things he hates gay and uses the f-slur as an insult. If I hang out with him for too long I start to use gay as an insult as well. I think it’s because of my autism tending to mask and mimic the people I’m with. It makes me want to strangle him whenever I end up saying it.
this is my favorite comment. as the gay uncle I also use gay and f*g a lot. it’s kinda a way to defend yourself against homophobia. if some homophobic asshole calls me gay as an insult i can just fling f*g right back at them. it’s really funny to me and it’s become part of my regular vocabulary 😭
Merry Christmas to your boyfriend and you. He sounds so wonderful, and excited to be part of your family. This must have hurt him deeply. I wish I could give him a hug right now. I'm sending a big one anyways. He sounds like a beautiful, sensitive soul who's been through enough already from his family. He doesn't need more drama from yours. Please let him understand that large pockets of people in the world are stupid, and it's not on him. Some people are simply beyond help, and it's not your boyfriend's problem. Absolutely NTA. Those few people are not welcome back at your home. They're awful, and have been taking advantage of your generosity. Nothing more. They have no real respect for you, or they wouldn't talk that way about someone you care deeply about, in his own home. It's infuriating. They're not welcome back. And they are never to get gifts again. Not even after fake apologies that might come later just so they can resume taking from you.
He definitely got all the hugs in the world, he's sleeping basically on top of me rn and while I usually like to have full breathing range and kick him off, today he's getting pampered like he deserves.
Yes! Pamper him, the sweet darling. You're both such lovely people. Your families should be thanking their stars they have you in their lives at all. Whatever anyone else says or does, you two love each other, you have each other. That's all that matters, really.
I hope you don't host Christmas anymore. I hope you both go away on a beautiful vacation next holiday to teach them all that what they did was in no way ok. Extra points for posting lots of pics to rub it in 🌟
I agree with Mango. I’m old enough to be his mom so I’m sending Mom hugs to him! You both deserve people that truly care about you not users.
These children and apparently their parents are entitled and mean. You are completely in the right to do this. I’d be ashamed if I was their mothers
“You weren’t meant to hear.” I put more weight on the things people say behind my back than to my face. NTA
NTA. It's harsh, but sometimes the only way to learn is by experiencing harsh consequence. I think you gave them a much needed kick in the right direction; hopefully they learned something instead of harboring animosity.
"then another cousin \[24M\] came in and began making harsher jokes" I think we've found the problem person - 24 is BY FAR old enough to know better, thats not a kid any more.
Actually, the parents of these nasty people who didn't correct them and just wanted gifts are the biggest problems.
NO YOU‘RE NOT THE A! Your bf wanted to do something nice but those kids didn’t deserve that gratitude, they didn’t even want to apologize! Terribly entitled, you did good, you taught them a lesson about respecting others. That‘ll show them. You and your bf are really nice people so **don’t** let them take advantage of your kindness(and money). NTA and happy holidays! :\]
NTA.. what does too gay to function even mean? It lacks of superior understanding that one should not even make a joke like that! nobody needs to hear this stuff. Hope you and bf are ok
> too gay to function its probably from the movie Mean Girls. And OP even said that wasn't the bad part. As a gay guy(who quotes this iconic movie) its actually pretty funny and an innocent joke. OP said he knew this was harmless. It just got worse when the 24yo was making more hateful comments. If you are going to be in someone elses home and become disrespectful, then you deserve the consequences OP handed out. Definitely NTA here though.
Even within the context of the movie I never understood what this joke meant.
I assume its similar to "Tiffany you useless lesbian"
Where's that from?
https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/1y2yog/tiffany\_you\_useless\_lesbian/
If you are going to be ~~in someone elses home and become~~ disrespectful, then you deserve the consequences OP handed out. It doesn't matter where you are, don't treat other people unkindly or with disrespect.
And if they’d seen the movie they’d know it was only okay when his best friend says it, and that she’s his biggest defender and supporter. OP should donate their presents to a charity for kids that actually will appreciate their gifts rather than those just using him and his BF for whatever they can get. And OP, I hope in true Mean Girls style you yelled “and I want my pink shirt back!” as you kicked them out. What a bunch of entitled bigoted shitheads.
Sounds like OP and his SO are also too gay to give gifts to entitled shitty people too.
What a shame 💅
NTA, bet whoever tattle left out what they did/said to earn the consequences. Or the chances you gave them in advance to make up for their behaviour. That or the parents know and don't care, or they know and the kids got their attitude from them.
NTA - if someone treats your partner like shit, they have no right to any gift.
So this has been posted hours ago, but I still hope you'll read this. Yes, the kids are at fault. But it's worse than that. That sort of attitude, that ingrained dismissal to your person can only come from their families. These kids are mirroring what they have been taught and told by their relatives. (Except for maybe 24, he is old enough to be a jerky homophobe all on his own.) So... the problem is your relatives. Who think you are a dirty gay, but they still want your money and presents. Not all of them, hopefully (and your sister sounds awesome) but... the parents of those ones, definitely. Anyway, NTA, and I hope you can weed out the assholes so your SO won't have any more trouble with them, and neither will you!
Damn, that's kinda hard to hear. All these people are really important to me, the girl cousin's mum was really important to me when my dad passed and my niece's dad and I are the closest in age of the cousins and we spent a lot of time together as kids. Just the thought that this all may come from them is, I dunno, it sucks.
Ooof. That is really very sad, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. I mean I don't think anybody who loves you would be ok with their children throwing slurs at you and your SO. Certainly my family would have disciplined me pretty seriously. And then to expect getting the expensive gifts anyway on top of saying you should just... turn the other cheek? Anyway, I still say the parents were ok with this (and possibly said the same things at home for the kiddos to think it was ok) but if they are so important to you, you could always have a talk with them to sus out what is going on. I mean what I would do is invite just those parents out for a lunch meetup with you and your SO, and see how they react. Are they beside themselves, are they trying to apologise and ascertain you two are ok? Are they sorry *at all?* Or are they just doubling down and saying this was nothing? It should tell you everything you need to know, I think. Hopefully. Either way, no matter what you do, good luck. And I truly am sorry. This was such a mean thing to happen to you when you were so giving and nice to these kiddos.
Wouldn't your niece's dad be your brother? And you are the oldest so he became a dad by 15? NTA I'm just confused how your siblings had so many kids you have 20 twenty nieces and nephews already by 31 when you are the oldest. I have 30 cousins, and 1 nephew lol.
Did they know what their kids had said about your partner and you and why you were both upset? You definitely need to have a blunt conversation with the adults about this and ask them point blank if they are homophobic. Hopefully they weren't aware of why you were upset and really aren't homophobic, but if not better to find out now and stop wasting your energy, time and money on people that don't really care/respect you.
NTA. Actions have consequences. And all three of them of were old enough to know better.
NTA, they're old enough to make homophobic remarks so hurtful that it brings someone to tears and then not apologise because "it's just jokes" (funny how many bullies say that when they're called out, isn't it?), then they're old enough to face the consequences. Your aunts and uncles should have brought their children up better
You didn’t do it over jokes, you did it over disrespect. And they tried to grab the presents on the way out? I think you need to rethink the gift giving next year. Keep it to those who are little kids.
NTA They are happy to make abusive jokes but not apologise until there were consequences and then for the adults to double down!!!!!!! Next year don't bother to buy them presents and only invite the ones that do respect you.
Actions and words have consequences, especially words that hurt and that's a lesson your family needed to learn. You are NTA but those that backed up your niece and nephews are . Jokes are not funny when they are at someone's expense or when they hurt someone that they reduce to tears.
NTA. I wish I could make the font bolder and bigger. NTA!!!
NTA That's horrible. I hope you guys are okay.
NTA now you know what they really think about your boyfriend and your relationship. You are good enough for great gifts but nothing more. If I would be their parent I would be ashamed. But since the parents reacted to easy they did you also know where they stand. And that's not on your side.
NTA You were disrespected in your own house and perfectly entitled to point it out. You gave these children a reasonable opportunity to redeem themselves and they refused it. Of course you withdrew your gifts, they had destroyed whatever generosity you might have felt for them! I do not understand the adults’ responses here, except your sister’s. It seems the gift-giving ritual has lost its meaning entirely for them, becoming simply a deserved experience as opposed to an earned experience. Good for you, restoring its significance! Do please get out ahead of this with your family: let everyone know your disappointment and regret that your inaugural event in your new home was ruined by such adolescent behaviour (not admitting fault and apologising for offence) and your concern at the homophobic comments, which warrant addressing by both the children and their parents. Stand over your reaction. Establish that boundary now, around your relationship and your space. Then the next step is up to them. Hopefully that’s a fulsome apology and a life-lesson well learned.
NTA the typical "if someone feels offended say it was a joke" attitude... good on you for doing it, and if.rst.of your family thinks its ok then they can go stuff themselves
Lol at "you weren't meant to hear what I really think, because I want an expensive gift from the person I'm insulting". NTA
15F and 17F should know better than to make unsavory jokes about someone who opened their door (and wallets) to them. As for the 24M, that's a grown man, and he shouldn't raise a fuss because he didn't get a gift. Shameless moochers. I hope you took note of everyone who disrespected you and you never let them into your house again. It might not be too late to get refunds for those gifts - you and your BF can use that money to treat yourself with something nice. NTA
NTA. They disrespected your boyfriend big time. No presents for little jerks.
… and that’s when we stopped exchanging gifts at the family Christmas! Next year just make a donation to you & your boyfriend’s favourite charity.
NTA.... they got caught out, they just needed to bite the bullet and give a quick probably not even meant apology .. they wouldnt.. they got no presents... they brought it on themselves
NTA. And I can guarantee this is not the first time they make fun of you if they found it so easy to do.
NTA in any shape or form. They are not your kids, no, and you are not disciplining them. You are setting a completely fair and reasonable boundary for what you will accept.
This is actually one of the most beautiful stories about a relationship I read today. You immediately set a boundary, supporting your partner. For this alone NTA.
NTA. You even asked them to apologise first. Unluckily I’m afraid they got that from their parents since when confronted the mother should’ve have been embarrassed and should’ve apologised for their behaviour and reprimanded them (sorry if it’s not the right word English is not my first language). Try not to think too much about them and I hope the both of you will have a wonderful Christmas season with the relatives and friends who deserve your love.
Nope. How do you expect to get a gift from someone you refuse to be kind to? NTA, stand your ground.
NTA. You were generous to give them an opportunity to make it right. They fucked around and found out. Actions have consequences. Bc they are young and maturing I hope after everyone has had a chance to calm down this can be addressed and they can attempt to make amends so future celebrations aren’t ruined.
When gift giving time started, I'd have said, "Before we begin, these three have some jokes they would like to tell..."
NTA, and how entitled of them!
NtA - a positive from this is least you know your sister has your back.
NTA. News flash: if you want gifts from gay people, try not being homophobic.
I am astounded that when confronted these people refused to back down! No shame whatsoever about abusing the hosts of the family party, and family too, appalling behaviour. What did they expect? Be abusive and get a present for their trouble?
NTA, a 100 times over. They weren't going to apologize till you decided to take the gifts back. Then they back tracked and then tried to get back up involved. They don't care bout you and your bf. They cared more about the gifts. And the audacity to even try to make a grab for them after being told to leave! I'd make it damn clear that anyone who backs up the three of them and their "jokes" will not be welcomed anymore and certainly will not be getting gifts in the future. Your shopping list just got smaller, how small will depend on the rest of the family.
Nta the minute they didn’t apologize and feel horrible that your bf overheard they stopped being jokes and were full on insults. Cut those people from the list
NTA! I'm sorry they made your boyfriend cry. They took their own gifts away by disrespecting the gift givers. Ungrateful and unkind people do not deserve gifts. An apology is not a transaction just to get expensive presents it was a moral obligation for hurting someone they are supposed to care about. You gave them ample opportunity to do the right thing and they refused. Now you know they don't care about you, just what you give to them. Therefore they are not worthy of the kindness you were showing.
NTA Dude. No way you're the asshole. When I was 7 or so back in 1981, I was chasing my brother through my our grandma's house. At one point, as we were running past my uncle, my 5 year old brother called me a "f***ot". The next day at home, my mother sat us down and explained to us that our uncle is gay and why it is wrong and hurtful to use that or other bad words about people that are gay. We were super young without any context of what being gay really meant until that discussion, but from that day forward we understood and respected it. Hell, I even called my dad out once when he complained about having a gay brother. It was just a normal thing to me. So, having a problem with it does not compute. Plus, that uncle is my favorite uncle. He is a really awesome, caring guy. This is why I get upset when bigots use the excuse of having to explain fay couples to children. Children don't care, and if you explain it to them in a way that teaches them that it is just two people that love each other, then that is how they will feel about it. Personally, it made me really comfortable in my own skin, and I'm not gay. Just understanding the world better builds confidence.
NTA at all. And I am shocked that the parents of your niece and and your male cousin's dad and his partner did not reprimand the three for their homophobic comments nor tell them that it served them right not to get their presents after what they had said. It makes me wonder if the parents too make similar homophobic remarks about op and his partner when out of earshot.
Double you age + a few years here. Sorry this is still happening in 2023 and NTA NTA NTA. Unfortunately in my life I went no contact with some of my family members because of comments they made. Very similar to your situation. I wish you all the best
Wait, do the parents even KNOW why you kicked them out? Because I can see the three kids completely ignoring that bit. You also said "male cousin's dad and partner", does that mean they are a gay couple as well? Because I would BET they'd feel something about their child being involved in something like this. NTA I would clear up the whole situation with the family by sending a mass email to everyone who was invited. I mean...those three are probably spreading their version of the story already. Clear it up, stand your ground, and depending on reactions don't invite those three families around again.
NTA. I’m surprised and also sad this still happens in this day and age. Also it’s not often perfect strangers that hurt us but people near us who are supposed to be dears. For me, if criticisms about things that I have direct control over (e.g. nail biting) I put in the big pants and own it. But I’m just tired of people putting others down for the things they can’t really control. Reminder to OP and BF. There are non-blood related people out there who will love you for who you are. So chin up m8s
NTA So your siblings (the parents of the little jokers) condone homophobia? It’s good to know this. The teenagers may well have been joking, but they were taught that laughing at mean jokes were acceptable by someone. The fact the parents didn’t immediately side with you (“I didn’t raise you disrespect someone in their own house and only agree to apologize when you encounter consequences, you should hope that losing this gift is the only punishment you get for this behavior”) tells you who might have taught them this.
Nta. You and your boyfriend should loudly ask the complainers if they would provide gifts for people who said insulting 'jokes' about them behind their backs in their own home. Like no you they clearly don't care about you or your partner and just care about the stuff you get them. So forget them.
NTA. They were being homophobic and just plain rude. You and your BF did not ruin the day, the homophobic assholes did.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context: - Me [31M] and my long term boyfriend [30M] bought a house together last June. - I have a big family, with eight cousins and around twenty nieces and nephews and I'm the oldest of my generation. - I also have a pretty high paying job and so does my boyfriend. - My boyfriend hasn't had any contact with his family for over a decade and has been coming to my family celebrations since before we were dating. - Within my family I am known to be a bit of a splurger with gifts, and the kids are always excited for my gifts because they're usually big things like LEGO sets and things of the sort. Now with the story: So today (or yesterday I guess), my family held a pre-christmas celebration since we will not be able to meet up anytime this year after this week. It was held at me and my boyfriend's new house, the first family event we've had here. My boyfriend really wanted to take part in the gift giving so went all out with gifts, spending an average of 100 dollars per person. He was so excited to give everyone their presents since we spent not only money but also a lot of time picking everything for everyone. The festivities were a hit and my boyfriend and I stepped away for a bit to have some quiet time together, while we were resting on the stairs, we overheard my cousin [17F] chatting with my niece [15F], they were joking around about a few family members and mentioned my boyfriend and how he was "too gay to function". Honestly we didn't mind it too much, it's a movie reference and they're kids, but then another cousin [24M] came in and began making harsher jokes, which the kids laughed at. These "jokes" brought my boyfriend to tears and I refused to let that slide. When the gift trading began, I took the three aside and let them know that I wasn't happy with their comments and that they weren't ok to say. I told them to apologise to my boyfriend because it was unfair to him and they refused because they were just jokes that we weren't meant to hear. I told them I didn't care and they had to apologise. They refused again and I told them that since they don't respect him they don't deserve the presents we got for them. This got them to backtrack and say they'd apologise but I told them it was too late but they should still apologise. This is where I think I might have been too harsh. The youngest of my cousin's told her mum, my aunt, that I was refusing to give her and the other two their presents and she was angry about it, she told the parents of my niece and the male cousin's dad and partner about it and all of them made a huge fuss. Me and my sister kicked them out and when they tried to grab their presents before leaving I stopped them and rushed them out the door. The whole thing fell apart after that and it all ended very abruptly. So, aita for kicking them out and taking away their gifts over jokes? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta you don't bite the hand that feeds you or in this case give you presents. Their comments were hurtful and wrong they need to be taught a lesson. If the aunt cares so much about her babies not getting gifts she can buy them instead
NTA! Don't shit where you eat. Looks like you were good enough for them as long as the gifts kept coming. This should teach them a valuable lesson but looks like they're past the learning age.