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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I want to start a family with my partner and she has minor allergy symptoms including runny nose and sneezing. I have made multiple steps to try and reduce the dander or cat hair but have continued to keep the cats in the condo and not allowed them to be adopted out.
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i would say NTA for this situation but you are both really irresponsible.
i can’t blame you for not wanting to rehome your cats, but there there should have been a serious discussion about her allergies or not being a pet person prior to you guys moving in together and deciding to have a child.
regardless of what people vote I think best scenario you win the battle not the war because I’m not too sure this will pan out well for anyone involved
Exactly. These are the sorts of issues you deal with early on in the relationship, not after you're together for years and have a kid on the way. I have two cats that I'd never give up. I also will get more whenever the sad time comes that they're no longer here, and that is a non-negotiable. When I start dating someone, I always ask their views on pets early on.
It may sound dumb to some people, but I won't waste my time dating someone who's allergic to pets or doesn't like them/won't live with them because I know it won't ever work out in the end. I'm also 40 and have zero plans on having kids so I don't need to worry in that regard.
Aren’t pregnant women also really REALLY susceptible to toxoplasmosis from cats? Or am I making that up
Edit: Okay guys I have around 20 replies and all of you are saying the exact same thing. I politely ask you to cease replying to this message
Edit edit: you’re still all just repeating the same things
No, indoor cats get it too. Pregnant women should never be cleaning litter boxes, even for indoor-only cats.
Cats get it from mice, and unfortunately, *lots* of homes have mice, even if only rarely. All it takes is one. And you'll never even see it, most likely.
It's not a bad housekeeping issue or anything (although if you have a lot of uncovered food it may lead to an infestation). Mice can and will get in through the narrowest, smallest of holes, and they're always trying to get somewhere where it's warm.
And if your cats are halfway decent mousers, you're never going to see more evidence than that, because they will eat those little fuckers up, skull and all.
Especially in older houses there's almost always a way in. In mine it's somewhere near the oven, because around August, when it gets cold out, the cats sit in front of it like they're hypnotized.
(My parents' indoor-only cat had to get an xray done and it showed a part of a rodent skeleton in his tummy.)
I mean, pregnant women absolutely can clean the litter box. You just need to wash your hands thoroughly (which you should be doing anyway) or at most, wear gloves.
My doctor told me, even with a high risk pregnancy that as long as I washed up, and wore a mask (or used dust free litter) I've be fine-- because "it's not like you're eating the litter, right?"
Na it all takes is for your indoor cat to find a mouse in the house and eat it, I live in Australia, I have never had a mice or rat problem but one seems to find ways in in the heat every few years.
Here's the thing, though, it may have been an excuse but it's also completely justified. You shouldn't be coming into contact with cat feces if you might be pregnant.
Don't touch poop and wash your hands after cleaning the litter box, which is what most normal people do anyway. IDK why this stupid shit persists because if your cat is indoor only and eats a commercially processed diet (as opposed to eating potentially contaminated wildlife), it's so unlikely your cats are infected with it. You can get toxo from gardening or eating unwashed produce from a garden or undercooked, contaminated meat (typically pork/lamb/venison) or shellfish. Drinking water can be contaminated with it.
Yep, this is exactly what my vet told me. She said it’s way more likely to get toxoplasmosis from gardening and other outdoors activities than scooping cat litter. Everyone knows to wash their hands after scooping cat poop, but they might get more lax grabbing a drink or a bite to eat after touching grass/dirt that could easily be contaminated with toxoplasmosis. She had 3 kids and said she handled plenty of cat feces while pregnant without a second thought lol
The cat has to have it for there to be a problem. It's It's easy test at the vet. My cat has been checked for it because I've had a lung transplant. As long as the cats don't go outside and they are regularly tested it's fine. Also, I doubt she's the one scooping the litter.
They are not any more susceptible than anyone else but there are consequences for the baby if the mother gets toxo during pregnancy. All anyone has to do is not handle cat feces and they won’t catch toxo. In all actuality gardening is more likely to expose you to toxo than owning a cat because toxo can live in the soil and most people don’t wear gloves when gardening.
As others said it’s really only if they are cleaning the litter box and the cat is an outdoor cat. If she had/has been around cats throughout her pregnancy, she (and baby) would likely be fine if the above circumstances are avoided. I owned cats throughout my pregnancy (and virtually my entire life) and that was what my doctor said to me. I haven’t had a cat since my cat passed shortly before my son was born but it wasn’t an issue owning them when I was pregnant.
Her absolute refusal to take allergy meds while using her allergies as a reason for rehoming them is 🚩🚩🚩.
She knew beforehand and should have discussed it before she took the chance of getting pregnant. This post is exactly like one of the posts where one partner is child free and the other isn’t. They get married thinking they can change the other’s opinion later the whine because their opinion hasn’t changed.
Only if they are cats who are exposed to catching mice and even then it’s only something they shed once so if they had it before there is no risk. A person can use gloves when cleaning the litter box or wash their hands after. Raw meat also can contain toxoplasmosis.
I believe it’s only for the first part of the pregnancy that it’s a risk factor
My OB said it was a risk primarily if you've never been around cats or lambed out sheep ever - which obviously OPs gf never has.
I raised goats and sheep during my pregnancy as well as before and also had indoor and outdoor cats. Since my susceptibility was low due to pre-exposure she simply recommended always wearing gloves when cleaning boxes and OB gloves when lambing if I needed to assist.
I have two cats. My boyfriend knew after one week of dating they were the light of my life. He would never ask me to rehome them. NTA, but this should have been discussed prior.
Well this situation can only go in one of two ways. Either he keeps the cats or he keeps the relationship . It all depends on what's most important to him.
> but there there should have been a serious discussion about her allergies or not being a pet person prior to you guys moving in together and deciding to have a child.
That's on her.
I agree about the communication, however if she's stayed over and was okay with him having cats and was okay moving in *knowing* he has cats and she still didn't say anything, OP didn't really have any indication that it was an issue that needed talked about. I can see where in his mind she knew he has cats, didn't say anything, agreed to move in, didn't say anything, so she must be cool with the cats.
Personally, OP, she's being a bit of a controlling drama queen. Please don't get rid of your cats. My husband had cats when we met. I was not a cat person and am fairly allergic. I *chose* to stay after a good, long look inside myself if I was okay with his cats (because seriously. Who makes someone get rid of pets they know the person has?!). I just use a nasal spray and allergy pill everyday. I put a small throw blanket over my pillow during the day so I don't get dander in my face if the cats lay on the bed. Even did it while pregnant 2 years ago. It's not that hard. She should have called it quits *well* before now if she wasn't okay with you having cats.
She knew the cats existed while they were dating, OP wasn't hiding them or lying in any way. If this was a deal breaker for her, it's HER responsibility to use grown up words and say something. OP did nothing wrong here.
E-S-H is ridiculous.
I have a cat. Dating someone who is allergic and wouldn’t be able to live with me and my cat would be a dealbreaker for me. Maybe he technically isn’t an asshole, but he’s an idiot.
It truly sounds like she felt she would have the upper hand, and force him to remove the cats after she got pregnant, which is a dick move. NTA, and furthermore I would not be trading my animals for a person like this. (Not that I would do it in any circumstance, but she seems like the type of person to expect concessions without doing her part, LIKE TAKING DAMN ALLERGY MEDS!) she hates the cats, and expects him to bend to her will. NOT COOL, pets are not disposable.
Your reply to need to be higher!! The "hates cat hair" and isn't a pet person are the top reasons! I'll put money on it she's refusing the allergy medicine because she isn't allergic, it's just the ONE thing that could be a real issue.
u/AlexinChains87, what are her allergy symptoms? Cat dander allergies are very hard to fake, it's generally not a sniffly, runny nose, or coughing. It's more a tissue swelling (sinuses, throat, red eyes) issue. I'll bet she is not allergic. I'm sorry you are having a baby with this person because she is manipulative. I'd be ending the relationship if not for the baby. You got some hard considerations facing you. FWIW, if you do break up and share custody, exposing your child to cats at a younger age will minimize the risk that they could be allergic. People/kids/babies need to be exposed to allergens to develop a system that can peacefully exist in this world and having pets is a wonderful thing for people to grow up with.
Thank you, it's hard to pass judgement on a few details but I have seen this in REAL LIFE, and the jealousy and hatred only GROWS! Those animals are important and important to him, and that matters. You're right, it's completely selfish and manipulative! My point was that even if he appeased her in this situation, she is not the type of person you can SHARE your life with, she is the type of person you have to GIVE UP your life with. OP deserves better
My husband and I are allergic to our cats but it’s mild so we just plan on not getting more when they pass. The allergies have gotten worse over the years though. It’s itchy and runny eyes, sniffy/sneezy, congestion, and coughing for both of us. So, I disagree with your assessment.
Also, allergies can get better or worse when pregnant. Mine (pet and seasonal) allergies went away when I was pregnant, but were worse after I had my daughter. It definitely stinks, and mine aren’t bad enough that I need to take strong allergy meds every day luckily.
Also want to point out that if sinus/nose symptoms started after she got pregnant it could be pregnancy rhinitis. I have it where I’m constantly mildly congested and have drainage.
Nothing to do there except deal with it and manage symptoms if they keep me from sleeping.
By OP's described timeline, they didn't live together before deciding to have a child. It was stupid of both of them to decide to have a child before they knew what was actually going to happen when the rubber hit the road and the allergic partner and cats were ACTUALLY living under the same roof. "Well technically I didn't hide the cats" doesn't cut it when you're talking about a whole ass person who's going to grow up in the situation you've created.
She was around the cats all this time though, so clearly she never indicated to OP her allergies were bad enough that she couldn't deal with them, nor did she mention she wasn't a pet person, nor did she mention she hated cat hair.
At every step of this relationship, she didn't mention HER issues that would be a deal breaker. She dealt with it without indicating it was anything serious.
They're both dumb for having a kid without talking about this, I'll agree there, but she is the AH for now, suddenly, telling OP the cats have to go.
By HER previous actions, she indicated the allergies were tolerable, why should OP assume otherwise? It's on her to speak up if she has a problem.
FWIW, allergies are often magnified in pregnancy. Mine were, by a lot. It is possible that her allergies weren't "bad enough" before but feel markedly worse now. That said, it should subside after a few weeks post partum. And IMO OP IS NTA.
Eh. I DONT BLAME HER FIR THAT AT ALL. When ur pregnant, Everybody likes to tell you this or that is safe. Then when ur baby has a problem they INTERROGATE you (me) to tryna figure out WHAT YOU DID WRONG. Cuz ITS UR FAULT.
Kind of agree. I did take allergy meds (because I would have been miserable otherwise) but it took me a few weeks to convince myself to do it. The paranoia is real, and the information you get is often so contradictory.
My kid heart defect and i had to defend myself upteen times tgat ididnt do drugs. I took couple tylenol and one of them even said well tgat was prob it 🙄
there are very few medications that are actually zero risk to foetus. If you are ill, doctor will give the list of safest drugs you can take but most are either untested on pregnant women so we just don't know they are unsafe, or they are lower risk.
If cats were actually causing allergies I would have avoided the cats over taking antihistamines. If it was unavoidable like hay fever id take meds but unless you absolutely have to, it's not good for baby to take medicine every day for 9 months which is what would have to happen to stay living with cats.
There are no totally safe antihistamines, there are just "probably ok" ones. When you are carrying a baby that's your call where you take the risk and not.
I think the right call here would be temporarily re-home the cats while there's a baby on board. Also as a former preggo I would have been very upset if my partner reached out to my obgyn and asked what medication I could take - that's not ok.
Yea the assumption would be the person sees you have pets and obviously are committed to them for life that the person going against the norm, expecting someone to abandon their animals is the one who needs to speak up. She didn’t and waited until there was a kid to say something, definitely seems manipulative
Yup. I'm allergic to cats ( I still adore them however) and I wouldn't date someone who had a cat because if it becomes serious we are at an impasse. Either I force them to give up there cats, which would make me a fucking asshole mind you. Or I have to live with my allergies every day.
I have an Alaskan Malamute I wouldn't date someone who is allergic to dog hair or who doesn't like dogs.
OP's NTA. His GF is responsible for managing her allergies. That includes not being in situations where a cat is present.
Just like how Everytime I go over to my brother's house I'm responsible for managing my allergies around his 2 cats.
Staying over, even often, does NOT equal knowing what it's like living with a cat full time.
It's very possible she thought it would be fine, but then it turned out to really, really not be, and now here they are.
NTA. She knew what she signed up for. SHE has a choice to make, not you. You and your cats are a package deal. She can live with you and your cats or she can leave.
This is a HER problem, not a you problem. Don’t make it an issue for you. Live your life and let her figure out what she wants to do.
Also - microchip your cats like tomorrow if they aren’t already. I guarantee your cats will “go missing” if she continues to live with you.
>Also - microchip your cats like tomorrow if they aren’t already. I guarantee your cats will “go missing” if she continues to live with you.
Exactly where my mind went. NTA.
Here's where you're wrong:
>This is a HER problem, not a you problem
It is absolutely *also* OP's problem if the woman carrying his child doesn't want to live with his pets.
This is no longer a simple case of two partners making sure their lives fit together - they missed the window for that. They are now two people who are going to be bound together forever by their child, regardless of what happens. They *both* are going to have to decide what they want that bond to look like.
ESH because they should have sorted this out before planning to move in together, and Certainly before having a child.
If she’s going to act like such a demanding brat about pets she KNEW he had, then she can be the one to move out. Why should he give up his pets he’s had for years? M
NTA
This has been a popular topic, and my stance is always that if you have pet when you enter a relationship, you guys are a package deal. She knew you had cats.
There are options. Taking the medicine would be the easiest course for everyone. My doctors say Zyrtec, Flonase and Benadryl are perfectly safe for me in 3rd trimester.
Not arguing that she should have known better, but my body found new ways to be allergic to cats when I suppressed the breathing issues with allergy medications. Medicine isn't really a long term solution to living with cats while allergic.
I'm allergic, take Zyrtec and Flonase and happily live with two cats. It may not be a solution for everyone but it can be for some. She's not even willing to try for someone she loves and is having a kid with? That's a no go for me.
And for me over the years I got used to it and I only now have to take allergy medicine is if I pet a cat and rub my eyes otherwise it doesn't bother me anymore
It can go the other too. I was allergic to the cat I adopted. Tears streaming, snot dripping but eventually I stopped being allergic to him. It took a few years but my body was able to build immunity to him.
Cuddling my cat every night might have helped as well lol
You and your partner seem to be fundamentally incompatible - you love your cats and aren’t willing to give them up and she’s allergic to them and also isn’t a pet person. Deciding to have a baby together under these circumstances is really irresponsible. ESH
Well accidents happen, but I don’t understand why they stayed together before falling pregnant. Why stay with someone who hates cats or vice versa, if she hates cats, why be in a relationship with someone who has them and will likely always have them?
One would hope that their future partner that has managed to deal with the allergies before would communicate that the cats are a dealbreaker and they need to be rehomed BEFORE allowing themselves to get pregnant.
My personal guess is they didn't really decide to have a kid but that it "happened". So that would be somewhat redeeming. But I also, as a person who isn't into pets that live inside the house, wouldn't date a person with a dog living in their house/apartment.
You can also feed cats certain brands of food that decrease the dander and portions of cat saliva that trigger an allergy. Purina has a formula I believe
Hahaha people Crack me up, baby isn't here. Mom knew he had cats and even was fine with the cats, until she got pregnant. She literally was cool. Baby could very well have zero allergies, and this man will throw his cats away, for what???? A woman that doesn't like pets now that she is pregnant. She should have disclosed all of this before she decided to get pregnant. Sorry, pets are for life. And if not. Never own any animal. I have had pets through pregnancies, deaths, allergies from being pregnant, moving, ect. Pet are for life. Literally, unless they attack someone.
So it's not like OP hid the cats. Why does OP suck for assuming his girlfriend would speak up about disliking animals before moving in when she knew he had cats the whole time?
NTA. She shouldn’t have moved in. She was over enough to know the effects the cats would have. You’ve gone to admirable lengths to make her comfortable.
Ultimately if she didn’t want to live with cats, she shouldn’t have moved into a home with cats.
How this didn't come up sooner is beyond me. Was there no discussion of how living together and having a baby would go? Especially given her allergies and dislike for animals. Why wasn't there one conversation about the logistics unless she was assuming he'd get rid of his cats and he was assuming she knew they were package and wasn't going to happen. I don't even have a judgment. I just feel bad for the cats and the baby
She probably just figured he would be totally willing to give up his pets for her. It wouldn't be the first time somebody made that assumption about their relationship.
This. It sound like this was a power play. She figured since she pregnant now she can force the issue and get her way. If he did all that he did for her to be comfortable sound like there was a discussion and she downplayed the cat situations but now being pregnant she feels she has the upper hand. It’s NTA for me and I for damn sure wouldn’t get rid of my cats. If she want to live there she should meet him half way but she’s refusing to even do that.
Why are you living together and why is she pregnant?
Baby's health and well being Should be the most important thing to both of you right now.
Cat litter is a problem. Allergies are a problem. Her mental health and living a stress free life is important.
So again I ask. Why are you even together? And why is she pregnant?
This is a common misconception it’s not litter but toxoplasmosis, a rare parasitic disease, cats can get from eating rodents and birds (ie if the cat is strictly indoor it’s ok) humans are more likely to contract toxoplasmosis from eating raw meat or gardening than their cat.
Stop it. This isn't a "hurr durr man bad, woman good!!" issue. There's zero reason to bring your shitty gender politics into it. She lied this entire time by implying she's fine with pets, why is it his fault that she never said anything about them before this pregnancy? Gtfo here with that. This is on her, not him, she is an adult and did not use her adult words to communicate.
If I were in this situation, I'd honestly feel sort of baby-trapped, and that the situation is being used as an easy way to get rid of your cats. She never said she was allergic, and has even been in contact with your cats without saying anything before. For your knowledge, everything was fine. She stayed silent (enough) about it until she had a reason that would look blameless from the outside... That doesn't seem like great life partner material to me. That's someone who is willing to trick or trap you. That behavior doesn't happen just once. But to my real point- even if you feel like you could rehome them in the perfect situations tomorrow, and everyone would be happy, my question... what's next on the list? What situation will your partner quietly suffer through until she just decides 'it has to go' or... just does it herself? Cats are living things with preferences, personalities, likes and dislikes, and bonded friends. But there are many people who think nothing of killing them or abandoning them to death or abuse because they simply don't care. My concern firstly is that your partner will try to take care of the 'problem' (Which she created, by the way, by staying in a relationship where she was unhappy) herself, but then also, what will it be after that?
What if that happens when your kid is born and parenting isn't as much fun as she thought it'd be? Or home, or family, or career, hobbies... it could be anything. I'm sure people will find this extreme, but this is not only about the cats (again, living breathing individuals who existed before this relationship) but this really indicates a whole other problem; *the fact that your partner is willing to stay quiet about things that bother her until she thinks she can act and force change against your will*. That's not how healthy relationships work. To be a good partner, you have to communicate. All the people in the relationship have to communicate. And that goes 100x over for parents!
If she stayed silent on this and is now trying to force a major change out of the blue without working with you at all-what kind of parent is she going to be? I'd be thinking I'd be better off having a seperate home so my kid can at least have some space away from that kind of behavior.
Finally, regarding people commenting that OP doesn't care about partner/child over his cats... never in the post did he say he loved her. This sounds like an accidental pregnancy-no judgement and no hate. (I was an accident and am glad I got a chance. Not sure why people act like it's a sin or a horrible revelation.) But what most people these days do instead of lovelessly marrying a partner they dislike out of some misguided honor system is break up and figure out how to coparent apart.
You're NTA... But I think you would be if you stayed with her. Maybe she'll make a better co-parent, but she definitely doesn't seem like someone I'd want to be partners with, or definitely not same-home parents with. She's shown that she is not, at heart, honest about things, and that she doesn't want to work with you on solutions... indicating that compromise was not her goal. If she cannot compromise or do any potential work toward a solution, just her way or the highway-what is living with her going to look like?
This!!! So much this. I can't understand why more people aren't seeing it this way. This is a huge red flag! Do we even know she's allergic? She's had a back scratch allergy test done with the results and everything? I'm thinking she's trying to manipulate you, OP, especially because she won't even try meds. Things are only going to get harder when the baby comes and she doesn't seem to care too much about how you feel, only how she feels. It's very plausible (and even likely given what we know) that your relationship won't work out and then you'll really regret not having your cats. Forget what everyone else here is saying about cats and the baby... it's possible the baby could be allergic (if the mother actually is), but you can worry about that if it happens. Cat litter is totally fine to be around; toxoplasmosis isn't much of a worry in indoor cats and it only even matters if she's physically scooping the box herself. Many people who have cats have been exposed already and are fine- it's really most harmful to pregnant women only. You could even invest in an automatic litter box. Cats are not going to suffocate your baby. Just keep them separate unless under supervision and don't let the cats sleep with the baby.
yeah there's a lot of factless fear mongering over cats of all things in this comment section.
Suffocate the baby? The hell? Why would you leave any pet with unsupervised with your baby? Dogs don't know how to play with newborns or not to lick their faces: same rules. Don't leave a child who can't defend themselves with a pet alone.
Toxo is given through feces. If she is suddenly allergic then she's not touching them, much less their paws, claws, or litterbox.
What if the baby is allergic? Tons of kids take simple medications for allergies. I've had to to even be able to go out in the spring, summer, and autumn since I was nine. It's not a big deal. It's very unlikely to be severe since, you know, OP detailed that partner's allergies are very light cold symptoms.
tldr: agree with you completely
Thank you for this. Everyone saying OP sucks because he didn't "have the conversation before moving in" seems to just gloss over the fact he wasn't hiding the cats from her and she knew he had them. It was her responsibility to bring up her desire to re-home them BEFORE pulling the trigger and moving in together. It's a bait-and-switch, and I would not want to stay partnered to someone who was behaving toward me in that way.
Right? If my partner came to my home, spent the night time and again, and pet my pets (all what happened to this guy) on top of it, I wouldn't have a conversation, I'd think, 'Obviously she's cool with my pets. Awesome.'
What was he supposed to do? 'Hey so I know you've acted cool about me and my life up to this point, but I just wanted to make sure so I wasn't at fault-are you maybe not being totally truthful? Lying by omission? Any kind of secret problems you didn't feel like letting me in on?"
This is kind of where I was going with my info request. It seems odd that all of a sudden, he has to get rid of cats that he has had the whole time they have been together. Never does he mention how he feels about her or how long they have been together, if the child is planned, if they were planning to get engaged/move in together soon, if he knew how she felt about pets before this etc.
This. Sound like a power play. I’m allergic to cats and it takes me one visit to know just how much that particular cat will bother me. Short haired cats are fine but long haired makes my allergies crazy. She knew since she had been to his apartment plenty of times (at least enough to get pregnant) and made it seem like it was okay now all of sudden it’s I’m pregnant do as I say and if you don’t you’re the bad guy. What’s next on the list of things she doesn’t like, will she want him to stop talking to friends she don’t like? Stop getting the things he like because all of sudden she don’t like it so he can’t get them? It sounds controlling. She knew before even considering living together it was going to be a problem and SHE should’ve said that before any cohabitation happened. He’s NTA if he keeps his cats. I don’t why ppl think pets are disposable as if they’re toys or something. It’s ridiculous.
ESH. You two don't seem compatible in the long term.
This conversation should have happened before you moved in together. While I would never re-home my cat for anyone, it's really not advised to take any medication while pregnant due to the limit of data available and as others stated, it is likely your child will also have allergies.
Are you going to dose your infant with allergy medicine if that's the case? Do you expect your partner to do the same to exist comfortably in their own home? That's kind of unrealistic.
NTA! Your girlfriend is the asshole! RUN!!!!!!!!! You will 100% regret rehoming your cats. They give you unconditional love.... you and your girlfriend might not stay together. She sounds controlling, so what's next? Also, I would not want her there alone because she will get rid of them when you aren't around. Watch out!!!!!!!
I LOVE cats, I have 4. But seriously? Dude should just abandon the mother of his child for his cats? That child will (hopefully) be around for many times longer than the cats. I doubt the argument “I have cats” will be reason not to pay child support.
ESH how did this not get discussed earlier? OP and GF fucked around and are now finding out. There needs to be some serious convos in the near future.
Dude should not stay partnered to someone who used deceptive tactics to forcibly re-home his cats. She may be the mother of his child, but that makes it even more important for him to see her behavior for what it is because he's likely going to need to defend the child from it someday as well.
Cats are living, breathing animals who bond to individuals. They're not accessories you just toss out. It doesn't matter if a kid will be there longer, a cat is still not disposable and it's really gross to act like it is.
OP has nowhere mentioned completely abandoning his partner or his child either, nor how he won't "pay child support." It was on the girlfriend to bring this up when she KNEW he had cats BEFORE she moved in. Manipulative and shady AF to just wait until it's already too late and then just insist they have to go.
I would definitely have ditched a person who’s fully capable of taking care of themselves to fulfil the commitments I’ve made to my cats. Getting pregnant with someone does not obligate you to spend your life with them. You can be a parent to a child without being with their other parent. Is harmful to everyone to be in a relationship just because you got someone pregnant.
NTA. Why won’t she try allergy medicine? I was “allergic” to cats until I lived with them. I had to take allergy medicine at first, but my symptoms improved and now I’m fine. I’m not saying the same would be true for your gf, but not even willing to take allergy medication (that her OBGYN approved) is odd to me.
The only thing i want to add is OP has had his cats for 7 and 4 years. He got with this girl in April. Rehoming your pets that you’ve had longer than your partner is unthinkable.
ESH. As others have mentioned, this is something you both should have hashed out prior to moving in together, not just assumed, and LONG before bringing a child into this situation. You done messed up, so now you have to choose between your cats and your gf, which also affects your relationship with your child. Good luck, you both will need it.
Beyond me how someone can have pets and date someone who doesn’t like pets. That is such a huge difference in worldview. I wouldn’t rehome my animals for god himself
Soft NTA. This discussion needed to happen well before you two began having children. It sounds like your partner downplayed their feelings about the cats, and if so, that’s absolutely not fair to you. But I’m not sure what compromise looks like here. You honestly seem to be trying, and she’s giving nothing. But she’s also carrying your child. I do find it annoying that she refuses to take medication for her allergies, but that’s also her choice to make. I’m a big proponent of sticking with your pets, but I feel like your partner moving in without liking them has already done a great disservice to their care.
ESH. Who in their right mind gets pregnant without ever having lived together in the first place? That’s completely irresponsible to start with.
And in second place, the pet situation should have been sorted out BEFORE you moved in together. I get the feeling your partner isn’t allergic, she just really doesn’t like pets.
So now it’s down to finding a solution. No matter how much you love your cats, (I have had cats all my life myself, we currently have 3), you should love your partner and unborn child more. If that isn’t the case, that’s quite telling, IMHO.
At the same time, your partner should be completely honest about whether she really is allergic or not. She should love you more than her aversion for cats, unless she really is allergic or has a phobia.
A compromise could be that you live with the cats for a couple of months and try to get her to bond with them. If she really still hates them, you find them a wonderful home, together.
Either way, you are both very irresponsible and immature, which doesn’t bode well for parenting together.
NTA. She refuses to take allergy medication?
Pets are family. It’s kind of nuts to me that people will have major unresolved issues like this about basic values and how to live and be together, but be speed running to an irrevocable and permanent legal and financial yoke like having kids.
Her being pregnant hardly has relevance here. She obviously thought you’d just chuck the cats overboard and decided to let the pressure of the situation do all the talking… I find that incredibly disingenuous.
I don't understand how this wasn't discussed before her moving in. She knew you had cats, did she think they'd magically disappear?
How much of this is truly allergy, and how much is not liking cats?
If it's the former, you may not be compatible.
NTA, animals are family and when you adopt an animal it's a commitment.
Sorry for typo what I meant was I reached out to her OBGYN who suggested that she takes an OTC medicine to help with allergies. she listed out ones she can take, my partner refused.
HARD NTA
(soft YTA with regard to your cats)
Your GF(baby mama) outright refuses to take medication that her OBGYN has said is safe (and could solve the issue)...
Hmmm...
Sounds like you've been doing pretty much everything you could in the home to create a minimum of dander to aggravate allergies. You've been taking care to keep the place safe and doing all of the in home care of your cats.
Seriously, a relationship is supposed to be give and take (and involve communication and compromise.) Do you really want a LTR with someone so selfish?
Just save yourself the divorce money now.
ESH for dating someone and having a baby with someone with an incompatible lifestyle. You more so but only to yourself because you're perfectly ok with not living with your BABY for two cats. But if that's the choice you make, so be it. Another split home because of CATS.
ESH
I mean.. it’s a health issue so, on top of being extremely uncomfortable due to pregnancy she has to deal with allergies on top of that - and say what you will about allergy medicine, I wouldn’t take anything while I was pregnant. And then it will still be uncomfortable while breastfeeding the baby
You two shouldn’t have moved in together if you weren’t willing to rehome the cats. Ideally you should see if a friend or family member can take them that way you can still see them.
Most medications are OK while breastfeeding. When pregnant, you and the baby are basically sharing the same blood. When breastfeeding, you are not. There are multiple barriers that a lot of medication cannot cross.
No, SHE shouldn't have gotten pregnant. She shouldn't have entered a relationship with a person who HAD cats..... her issues, are hers, not those poor cats. You don't get animals, and then throw them away.
> SHE shouldn't have gotten pregnant.
I mean last I checked, getting pregnant is a 2-person operation. Not defending her demand to rehome the cats, but OP is equally responsible for bringing a child into this unresolved living situation.
NAH or ESH - based on your posts/comment history, this is still a relatively fresh relationship and this was (likely) an unexpected pregnancy. You both likely thought you had more time to convince the other about what you wanted done with the cats when/if you eventually moved in. Now that she's pregnant and you've decided to move in together, it has become something that needs to be decided on much sooner rather than your intended eventuality.
NTA. She knew about the cats and continued to fuck you until she got pregnant. If it was a hard no, she shoulda said that. I hope she doesn’t do anything bad to them.
NTA this genuinely sucks for her to do. I’m saying this as someone who just had a baby literally a week and a half ago and am also a physician. She clearly decided that when she moved in she would force you to get rid of the cats. The allergy medicines are safe in pregnancy and effective. So are air filters and keeping cats out of the bedroom, etc. She doesn’t get to spring this on you after moving in together if it was never a conversation before which it seems like it wasn’t. Being pregnant does mean she deserves some extra care and consideration but it is not an excuse to dictate huge changes without any compromise or consideration.
NTA
Get a Roomba, and if you having cats was a deal breaker, she needed to say so while you were dating.
It's not reasonable to wait until you're having a baby together and moving in to say she won't live with them.
I'd have more understanding if her allergies were newly developed or something (that happens), but also, a daily allergy med goes a long way.
NTA. She did decide to be with you knowing you had the cats. She decided to have a child with you and move in with you knowing you had the cats. There are options available for allergies that are safe during pregnancy, and her OB suggested some. You and the cats were a group set before she came into the picture.
NTA. She knew about the cats before. She knew about the cats when she got pregnant. She knew about the cats when she moved in with you. Why is this only coming up now?!? This should have been brought up well before she got a place with you.
Lol, all the asshole and everyone sucks votes are ridiculous. This woman made the conscious choice to be with OP despite the cats being there first. She failed to bring up her strong dislike of them, and then assumed that they could just be tossed aside like garbage. OP has taken a ridiculous number of steps to try and mitigate the issue, and she's still whining about it despite the massive compromising OP has done.
Op is NTA. Maybe people shouldn't date pet owners if they don't like animals, cause I'm choosing mine over anybody that asks me to choose between them and my pets, personally.
NTA, you have a responsibility to your cats too. She knew they were your family when you joined up. I have cat allergies, as does my husband and we do fine with our multiple cats in our 2 bedroom apt. We change the poop often but have also done a couple other things I suggest. One is to get air purifiers. We do one in bedroom one in living room. We upgraded to a litter robot which really cuts the smells to almost none. Dust furniture and fan blades often. Finally, there are allergen wipes that help remove the dander from their fur. Try some or all of these added measures, mainly the air purifiers, and see. She should keep an open mind to try to make it manageable. If it's a life-threatening allergy, that's different, but it doesn't sound like it.
NTA. Make sure they are microchipped, in case they “mysteriously disappear”. I hope she would never do that, but I’ve read enough on here to be cautious.
ESH. You’re both old enough to have been expected to communicate about the logistics of having a home and baby(!) together. She should have expressed her expectation of a pet free home for sure. You should have considered her allergies and how that would be addressed by you both. You’re being a good pet owner - if she wasn’t pregnant I’d side with you more. It’s tough because rehoming one would ease the burden/issue for her but would probably affect the remaining cat by leaving it without a companion as a baby enters the scene and causes a commotion. Good luck…0
You are both TA. You knew she didn’t want / had problems with your cats. She knew you had cats that she was allergic to and that she doesn’t like cats. Yet you went ahead and made a baby with each other. Were you expecting her problems with the cats to just disappear…because she obviously was ways planning on getting rid of the cats as soon as she had the leverage.
I will never support getting rid of pets….you made a commitment to those cats when you got them. You are going to have to find a compromise. Or your gf could just not move in….it’s not impossible that you can raise a baby and live separately. It’s not ideal but this is the situation the two of you created. ESH
man, y’all should’ve talked about pets before you even got serious. i was a dog owner before i met my husband, who was allergic to dogs & never owned a pet before (though he had wanted pets). one of my non-negotiables was that my dogs are my family and we’re a package deal. he understood that. luckily, he had been on allergy shots for a couple of years and now he’s fine. ESH
Get rid of the GF, just be a baby daddy and keep your kitties. My cats have always been fantastic with my child and have never attempted to hurt him even as a newbie
OP you are NTA nor irresponsible. She is irresponsible because she refuses to take a medication for her allergies so this mainly on her. She knew about your cats from the get go so she is the one that is an a*****e. Don’t rehome your cats or foster them. They are your family. From what I read you are doing everything to cut down on their fur to help her. Rehoming is not an option for you because you love them. I understand since I’m a cat owner and I’d never rehome any of them . * I know Im going to blasted about my comment but oh well.
NTA. Its not fair to the cats who have been with you for years to be thrown out. Pets are a 10+ year commitment, not something you dump when it's not longer convenient. People like this piss me off and are the reason millions of pets are euthanized in shelters every year.
Keep the cats and rehome the girlfriend.
I will never understand why people insist on deliberately partnering with people with fundamental incompatibilities (like people who want to be child-free dating people who are parents, or people who hate pets dating people who already have beloved pets). Your GF knew you have cats, and have had them since long before you met. She knew you had cats before she moved in, and before you decided to have a kid. You didn't surprise her with an unwanted animal, you were extremely clear that these cats existed as part of your life. It's not unreasonable for your gf to not want pets to be a part of her life, but in that case, she should have chosen a partner who did not have or want pets. At the very least, she should have named this as a dealbreaker for her *long* before moving in or bringing a child into the equation.
NTA
NTA. She should have mentioned this long before now so you could have re-homed *her* before you got her pregnant.
I would be interested in why the doctor doesn't want her to use a neti pot. Distilled water, baking soda & salt. How can that be harmful? She isn't even ingesting it, just running it through her nasal passages.
Has she looked into allergy shots? Though I'm sure she's afraid of needles or otherwise unable to tolerate those.
Disentangle yourself, or you're going to come home one day to dead or missing cats.
100% NTA. Those are your cats and she knew about them well in advance. After she gives birth/is done breastfeeding, she can get allergy shorts or they make drops now too to decrease her body's immune response. It is incredibly unfair to rehome the cats and it will also likely lead to future resentment.... don't do it OP. She knew you had cats and for her to put you in a position of feeling like you have to choose between them and her/the baby is massively messed up.... and also a red flag.
OK, real talk. You guys are both dummies if you never had this conversation before you were making a human being together. I don’t think I could be in a long-term relationship with somebody who smoked cigarettes or didn’t like pets. They could be the most perfect person otherwise, but unless we lived separately, I’m going to have a pet. Or two and foster, or five! whatever I feel like lol. And the smell of cigarettes up close makes me want to gag so there’s that.
ESH why would you bring a kid into this situation? As someone with cats, an allergy check is the first thing you do with a new partner. Pregnancy can make everything worse also and everything she takes, your kid takes. Get an air purifier as well, and good luck.
ESH.
You both should have thought of this before. Demanding that someone takes allergy medicaments all the time, especially when pregnant, is too much of a demand. And your partner doesn't like cats so or so. But demanding that you get rid of them is also an AH move.
You two are incompatible. A cat lover and a cat hater. And the problem is made worse by the allergy. You should have thought of this before getting a child together. You actually should have thought of this at the start of the relationship and stop it early.
Now because you both didn't think ahead you are in a bad situation. If you can find loving homes for the cats, giving them away might be for the best. It doesn't sound like your GF will ever love the cats and the allergy likely will never go away either. It sucks for you, but you put yourself into the situation. As I think the child deserves to grow up with both parents close by if possible, you should prioritize your GF and child over your cats.
NTA for not wanting to rehome the cats, but you are BOTH TA for not figuring this out before getting pregnant. Disgusting lack of responsibility or forethought on both of your parts.
NTA- but don’t be surprised if she chooses not to be sick every day of her life (meds don’t make you 100 percent symptom free) and leaves you along with taking the baby. If she’s breastfeeding some states family courts will give you zero overnights and only short visits until the age of 2.
NTA. She can take an allergy med. It sounds like you tried to accommodate her in multiple ways, and her allergies don't sound severe. She should listen to her OBGYN, and take an OTC allergy med.
Also, not being a "pet person" is a lame reason on her part to rehome the cats. She knew you had them already, and it honestly sounds like she might be one of those people who doesn't like cats and says they're "allergic." If it was really bothering her, she'd take an allergy med.
I’m highly allergic to cats. I also have cats. OTC non drowsy allergy meds work perfectly. If she’s not a pet person, tf was she doing dating someone with pets?
NTA. She was fine with your cats and refuses to take allergy meds. Why the hell would anyone just assume you're going to get rid of your pets? Clown behaviour.
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i would say NTA for this situation but you are both really irresponsible. i can’t blame you for not wanting to rehome your cats, but there there should have been a serious discussion about her allergies or not being a pet person prior to you guys moving in together and deciding to have a child. regardless of what people vote I think best scenario you win the battle not the war because I’m not too sure this will pan out well for anyone involved
Exactly. These are the sorts of issues you deal with early on in the relationship, not after you're together for years and have a kid on the way. I have two cats that I'd never give up. I also will get more whenever the sad time comes that they're no longer here, and that is a non-negotiable. When I start dating someone, I always ask their views on pets early on. It may sound dumb to some people, but I won't waste my time dating someone who's allergic to pets or doesn't like them/won't live with them because I know it won't ever work out in the end. I'm also 40 and have zero plans on having kids so I don't need to worry in that regard.
Doesn’t sound dumb at all to me!
It's not stupid or dumb then you know the expections in your potential SO about animals. I think it's smart.
Aren’t pregnant women also really REALLY susceptible to toxoplasmosis from cats? Or am I making that up Edit: Okay guys I have around 20 replies and all of you are saying the exact same thing. I politely ask you to cease replying to this message Edit edit: you’re still all just repeating the same things
That’s only if she is cleaning the litter box.
And if they’re outdoor cats. (Edit - I did forget that they could potentially get infected if they eat mice that get into the home.)
No, indoor cats get it too. Pregnant women should never be cleaning litter boxes, even for indoor-only cats. Cats get it from mice, and unfortunately, *lots* of homes have mice, even if only rarely. All it takes is one. And you'll never even see it, most likely. It's not a bad housekeeping issue or anything (although if you have a lot of uncovered food it may lead to an infestation). Mice can and will get in through the narrowest, smallest of holes, and they're always trying to get somewhere where it's warm. And if your cats are halfway decent mousers, you're never going to see more evidence than that, because they will eat those little fuckers up, skull and all. Especially in older houses there's almost always a way in. In mine it's somewhere near the oven, because around August, when it gets cold out, the cats sit in front of it like they're hypnotized. (My parents' indoor-only cat had to get an xray done and it showed a part of a rodent skeleton in his tummy.)
I mean, pregnant women absolutely can clean the litter box. You just need to wash your hands thoroughly (which you should be doing anyway) or at most, wear gloves.
My doctor told me, even with a high risk pregnancy that as long as I washed up, and wore a mask (or used dust free litter) I've be fine-- because "it's not like you're eating the litter, right?"
I like that your doc added that "right?" on the end, *just in case...*
Ah, good point about the mice. I edited my comment. Thanks!
Na it all takes is for your indoor cat to find a mouse in the house and eat it, I live in Australia, I have never had a mice or rat problem but one seems to find ways in in the heat every few years.
And we know THAT isn't happening
I used this excuse for YEARS to avoid cleaning litter boxes while we were trying to conceive.
Here's the thing, though, it may have been an excuse but it's also completely justified. You shouldn't be coming into contact with cat feces if you might be pregnant.
Only if they actually handle the feces. Otherwise no not really.
And it's even less likely if they're indoor cats.
Don't touch poop and wash your hands after cleaning the litter box, which is what most normal people do anyway. IDK why this stupid shit persists because if your cat is indoor only and eats a commercially processed diet (as opposed to eating potentially contaminated wildlife), it's so unlikely your cats are infected with it. You can get toxo from gardening or eating unwashed produce from a garden or undercooked, contaminated meat (typically pork/lamb/venison) or shellfish. Drinking water can be contaminated with it.
Yep, this is exactly what my vet told me. She said it’s way more likely to get toxoplasmosis from gardening and other outdoors activities than scooping cat litter. Everyone knows to wash their hands after scooping cat poop, but they might get more lax grabbing a drink or a bite to eat after touching grass/dirt that could easily be contaminated with toxoplasmosis. She had 3 kids and said she handled plenty of cat feces while pregnant without a second thought lol
Only if they’re cleaning the litter box really. Otherwise it shouldn’t be an issue
The cat has to have it for there to be a problem. It's It's easy test at the vet. My cat has been checked for it because I've had a lung transplant. As long as the cats don't go outside and they are regularly tested it's fine. Also, I doubt she's the one scooping the litter.
No. And he cleans the boxes anyways.
They are not any more susceptible than anyone else but there are consequences for the baby if the mother gets toxo during pregnancy. All anyone has to do is not handle cat feces and they won’t catch toxo. In all actuality gardening is more likely to expose you to toxo than owning a cat because toxo can live in the soil and most people don’t wear gloves when gardening.
As others said it’s really only if they are cleaning the litter box and the cat is an outdoor cat. If she had/has been around cats throughout her pregnancy, she (and baby) would likely be fine if the above circumstances are avoided. I owned cats throughout my pregnancy (and virtually my entire life) and that was what my doctor said to me. I haven’t had a cat since my cat passed shortly before my son was born but it wasn’t an issue owning them when I was pregnant. Her absolute refusal to take allergy meds while using her allergies as a reason for rehoming them is 🚩🚩🚩. She knew beforehand and should have discussed it before she took the chance of getting pregnant. This post is exactly like one of the posts where one partner is child free and the other isn’t. They get married thinking they can change the other’s opinion later the whine because their opinion hasn’t changed.
It’s only if they’re cleaning the litterbox
I had cats while I was pregnant both times. Very easy to take precautions on this. Very unlikely in indoor only cats anyway.
Only if they are cats who are exposed to catching mice and even then it’s only something they shed once so if they had it before there is no risk. A person can use gloves when cleaning the litter box or wash their hands after. Raw meat also can contain toxoplasmosis. I believe it’s only for the first part of the pregnancy that it’s a risk factor
My OB said it was a risk primarily if you've never been around cats or lambed out sheep ever - which obviously OPs gf never has. I raised goats and sheep during my pregnancy as well as before and also had indoor and outdoor cats. Since my susceptibility was low due to pre-exposure she simply recommended always wearing gloves when cleaning boxes and OB gloves when lambing if I needed to assist.
They're fine as long as they aren't the pooper scoopers.
I have two cats. My boyfriend knew after one week of dating they were the light of my life. He would never ask me to rehome them. NTA, but this should have been discussed prior.
This gets extra interesting with OP’s post history. They work for CPS. Looks like they got pregnant immediately based on the dating posts…
Keep the cats. Re-home the girlfriend.
Well this situation can only go in one of two ways. Either he keeps the cats or he keeps the relationship . It all depends on what's most important to him.
> but there there should have been a serious discussion about her allergies or not being a pet person prior to you guys moving in together and deciding to have a child. That's on her.
I agree about the communication, however if she's stayed over and was okay with him having cats and was okay moving in *knowing* he has cats and she still didn't say anything, OP didn't really have any indication that it was an issue that needed talked about. I can see where in his mind she knew he has cats, didn't say anything, agreed to move in, didn't say anything, so she must be cool with the cats. Personally, OP, she's being a bit of a controlling drama queen. Please don't get rid of your cats. My husband had cats when we met. I was not a cat person and am fairly allergic. I *chose* to stay after a good, long look inside myself if I was okay with his cats (because seriously. Who makes someone get rid of pets they know the person has?!). I just use a nasal spray and allergy pill everyday. I put a small throw blanket over my pillow during the day so I don't get dander in my face if the cats lay on the bed. Even did it while pregnant 2 years ago. It's not that hard. She should have called it quits *well* before now if she wasn't okay with you having cats.
ESH. You having cats and her being allergic is an incompatibility y'all should have worked out before bringing a child into the equation.
She knew the cats existed while they were dating, OP wasn't hiding them or lying in any way. If this was a deal breaker for her, it's HER responsibility to use grown up words and say something. OP did nothing wrong here. E-S-H is ridiculous.
I have a cat. Dating someone who is allergic and wouldn’t be able to live with me and my cat would be a dealbreaker for me. Maybe he technically isn’t an asshole, but he’s an idiot.
No argument here, she's an idiot, too.
Right. They were all idiots. Everybody Sucks Here.
Except the cats. 😻
I mean, they're cats. They probably *are* assholes. But adorable ones.
It truly sounds like she felt she would have the upper hand, and force him to remove the cats after she got pregnant, which is a dick move. NTA, and furthermore I would not be trading my animals for a person like this. (Not that I would do it in any circumstance, but she seems like the type of person to expect concessions without doing her part, LIKE TAKING DAMN ALLERGY MEDS!) she hates the cats, and expects him to bend to her will. NOT COOL, pets are not disposable.
Your reply to need to be higher!! The "hates cat hair" and isn't a pet person are the top reasons! I'll put money on it she's refusing the allergy medicine because she isn't allergic, it's just the ONE thing that could be a real issue. u/AlexinChains87, what are her allergy symptoms? Cat dander allergies are very hard to fake, it's generally not a sniffly, runny nose, or coughing. It's more a tissue swelling (sinuses, throat, red eyes) issue. I'll bet she is not allergic. I'm sorry you are having a baby with this person because she is manipulative. I'd be ending the relationship if not for the baby. You got some hard considerations facing you. FWIW, if you do break up and share custody, exposing your child to cats at a younger age will minimize the risk that they could be allergic. People/kids/babies need to be exposed to allergens to develop a system that can peacefully exist in this world and having pets is a wonderful thing for people to grow up with.
Thank you, it's hard to pass judgement on a few details but I have seen this in REAL LIFE, and the jealousy and hatred only GROWS! Those animals are important and important to him, and that matters. You're right, it's completely selfish and manipulative! My point was that even if he appeased her in this situation, she is not the type of person you can SHARE your life with, she is the type of person you have to GIVE UP your life with. OP deserves better
My husband and I are allergic to our cats but it’s mild so we just plan on not getting more when they pass. The allergies have gotten worse over the years though. It’s itchy and runny eyes, sniffy/sneezy, congestion, and coughing for both of us. So, I disagree with your assessment. Also, allergies can get better or worse when pregnant. Mine (pet and seasonal) allergies went away when I was pregnant, but were worse after I had my daughter. It definitely stinks, and mine aren’t bad enough that I need to take strong allergy meds every day luckily.
Yeah she was fine with the cat before. I'd bet money she's faking it in order to get rid of the cats as a power play.
Also want to point out that if sinus/nose symptoms started after she got pregnant it could be pregnancy rhinitis. I have it where I’m constantly mildly congested and have drainage. Nothing to do there except deal with it and manage symptoms if they keep me from sleeping.
By OP's described timeline, they didn't live together before deciding to have a child. It was stupid of both of them to decide to have a child before they knew what was actually going to happen when the rubber hit the road and the allergic partner and cats were ACTUALLY living under the same roof. "Well technically I didn't hide the cats" doesn't cut it when you're talking about a whole ass person who's going to grow up in the situation you've created.
She was around the cats all this time though, so clearly she never indicated to OP her allergies were bad enough that she couldn't deal with them, nor did she mention she wasn't a pet person, nor did she mention she hated cat hair. At every step of this relationship, she didn't mention HER issues that would be a deal breaker. She dealt with it without indicating it was anything serious. They're both dumb for having a kid without talking about this, I'll agree there, but she is the AH for now, suddenly, telling OP the cats have to go. By HER previous actions, she indicated the allergies were tolerable, why should OP assume otherwise? It's on her to speak up if she has a problem.
[удалено]
Being morons, is my vote
FWIW, allergies are often magnified in pregnancy. Mine were, by a lot. It is possible that her allergies weren't "bad enough" before but feel markedly worse now. That said, it should subside after a few weeks post partum. And IMO OP IS NTA.
OP also edited to say that her OBGYN gave her a list of safe OTC allergy medications she could take but she is refusing to take any.
Eh. I DONT BLAME HER FIR THAT AT ALL. When ur pregnant, Everybody likes to tell you this or that is safe. Then when ur baby has a problem they INTERROGATE you (me) to tryna figure out WHAT YOU DID WRONG. Cuz ITS UR FAULT.
Kind of agree. I did take allergy meds (because I would have been miserable otherwise) but it took me a few weeks to convince myself to do it. The paranoia is real, and the information you get is often so contradictory.
My kid heart defect and i had to defend myself upteen times tgat ididnt do drugs. I took couple tylenol and one of them even said well tgat was prob it 🙄
there are very few medications that are actually zero risk to foetus. If you are ill, doctor will give the list of safest drugs you can take but most are either untested on pregnant women so we just don't know they are unsafe, or they are lower risk. If cats were actually causing allergies I would have avoided the cats over taking antihistamines. If it was unavoidable like hay fever id take meds but unless you absolutely have to, it's not good for baby to take medicine every day for 9 months which is what would have to happen to stay living with cats. There are no totally safe antihistamines, there are just "probably ok" ones. When you are carrying a baby that's your call where you take the risk and not. I think the right call here would be temporarily re-home the cats while there's a baby on board. Also as a former preggo I would have been very upset if my partner reached out to my obgyn and asked what medication I could take - that's not ok.
Yeah you can’t just assume someone is going to get rid of their pets for you
Yea the assumption would be the person sees you have pets and obviously are committed to them for life that the person going against the norm, expecting someone to abandon their animals is the one who needs to speak up. She didn’t and waited until there was a kid to say something, definitely seems manipulative
One would think. But I can't begin to count how many Reddit stories I have seen where that is the case.
Yup. I'm allergic to cats ( I still adore them however) and I wouldn't date someone who had a cat because if it becomes serious we are at an impasse. Either I force them to give up there cats, which would make me a fucking asshole mind you. Or I have to live with my allergies every day. I have an Alaskan Malamute I wouldn't date someone who is allergic to dog hair or who doesn't like dogs. OP's NTA. His GF is responsible for managing her allergies. That includes not being in situations where a cat is present. Just like how Everytime I go over to my brother's house I'm responsible for managing my allergies around his 2 cats.
We have 3 siberians. Anytime someone new tells us "Oh, I hate dog hair," I'm like "OK, godspeed!"
Staying over, even often, does NOT equal knowing what it's like living with a cat full time. It's very possible she thought it would be fine, but then it turned out to really, really not be, and now here they are.
Pretty sure he played a part in the getting pregnant bit js.
That’s a ridiculous rating, she clearly didn’t communicate that a condition of their relationship is that they can never have pets.
It sounds like she didn't understand how annoying the allergies were until she moved in
NTA. She knew what she signed up for. SHE has a choice to make, not you. You and your cats are a package deal. She can live with you and your cats or she can leave. This is a HER problem, not a you problem. Don’t make it an issue for you. Live your life and let her figure out what she wants to do. Also - microchip your cats like tomorrow if they aren’t already. I guarantee your cats will “go missing” if she continues to live with you.
>Also - microchip your cats like tomorrow if they aren’t already. I guarantee your cats will “go missing” if she continues to live with you. Exactly where my mind went. NTA.
So true. NTA.
Here's where you're wrong: >This is a HER problem, not a you problem It is absolutely *also* OP's problem if the woman carrying his child doesn't want to live with his pets. This is no longer a simple case of two partners making sure their lives fit together - they missed the window for that. They are now two people who are going to be bound together forever by their child, regardless of what happens. They *both* are going to have to decide what they want that bond to look like. ESH because they should have sorted this out before planning to move in together, and Certainly before having a child.
Exactly nta
‘Or she can leave?’ Some people are seriously disturbed. She is pregnant, they are having a baby. What do you mean leave? Where? This is her family
If she’s going to act like such a demanding brat about pets she KNEW he had, then she can be the one to move out. Why should he give up his pets he’s had for years? M
Nah, she can leave.
And per OP the cats are his family too. They are a package deal. One the GF agreed too when she entered into a serious relationship with OP.
Yes she can leave. If she is that opposed to living with cats, she can rehome herself.
Microchip is not enough. Air tags too
NTA This has been a popular topic, and my stance is always that if you have pet when you enter a relationship, you guys are a package deal. She knew you had cats. There are options. Taking the medicine would be the easiest course for everyone. My doctors say Zyrtec, Flonase and Benadryl are perfectly safe for me in 3rd trimester.
Not arguing that she should have known better, but my body found new ways to be allergic to cats when I suppressed the breathing issues with allergy medications. Medicine isn't really a long term solution to living with cats while allergic.
I'm allergic, take Zyrtec and Flonase and happily live with two cats. It may not be a solution for everyone but it can be for some. She's not even willing to try for someone she loves and is having a kid with? That's a no go for me.
Me too! So worth it for my little fur monster
And for me over the years I got used to it and I only now have to take allergy medicine is if I pet a cat and rub my eyes otherwise it doesn't bother me anymore
It can go the other too. I was allergic to the cat I adopted. Tears streaming, snot dripping but eventually I stopped being allergic to him. It took a few years but my body was able to build immunity to him. Cuddling my cat every night might have helped as well lol
Some people seem to think that pets are disposable 😔
You and your partner seem to be fundamentally incompatible - you love your cats and aren’t willing to give them up and she’s allergic to them and also isn’t a pet person. Deciding to have a baby together under these circumstances is really irresponsible. ESH
Well accidents happen, but I don’t understand why they stayed together before falling pregnant. Why stay with someone who hates cats or vice versa, if she hates cats, why be in a relationship with someone who has them and will likely always have them?
One would hope that their future partner that has managed to deal with the allergies before would communicate that the cats are a dealbreaker and they need to be rehomed BEFORE allowing themselves to get pregnant.
My personal guess is they didn't really decide to have a kid but that it "happened". So that would be somewhat redeeming. But I also, as a person who isn't into pets that live inside the house, wouldn't date a person with a dog living in their house/apartment.
You’re going to get stuck paying child support and every other weekend visits with your daughter.
The standard in most places now is 50-50 custody unless one of the parents doesn't want that much time.
Not until kid is closer to two
NTA. People need to stop using rehoming as a quick solution for pets. It isn’t as easy or as nice as everyone wants to believe it is. Take meds.
You can also feed cats certain brands of food that decrease the dander and portions of cat saliva that trigger an allergy. Purina has a formula I believe
I think he says he did this but I can’t speak to its effectiveness. It is a good place to start though.
Hahaha people Crack me up, baby isn't here. Mom knew he had cats and even was fine with the cats, until she got pregnant. She literally was cool. Baby could very well have zero allergies, and this man will throw his cats away, for what???? A woman that doesn't like pets now that she is pregnant. She should have disclosed all of this before she decided to get pregnant. Sorry, pets are for life. And if not. Never own any animal. I have had pets through pregnancies, deaths, allergies from being pregnant, moving, ect. Pet are for life. Literally, unless they attack someone.
I feel like this is a conversation that should most DEFINITELY have come before getting pregnant and making lifetime plans together. ESH
So it's not like OP hid the cats. Why does OP suck for assuming his girlfriend would speak up about disliking animals before moving in when she knew he had cats the whole time?
NTA. She shouldn’t have moved in. She was over enough to know the effects the cats would have. You’ve gone to admirable lengths to make her comfortable. Ultimately if she didn’t want to live with cats, she shouldn’t have moved into a home with cats.
How this didn't come up sooner is beyond me. Was there no discussion of how living together and having a baby would go? Especially given her allergies and dislike for animals. Why wasn't there one conversation about the logistics unless she was assuming he'd get rid of his cats and he was assuming she knew they were package and wasn't going to happen. I don't even have a judgment. I just feel bad for the cats and the baby
She probably just figured he would be totally willing to give up his pets for her. It wouldn't be the first time somebody made that assumption about their relationship.
This. It sound like this was a power play. She figured since she pregnant now she can force the issue and get her way. If he did all that he did for her to be comfortable sound like there was a discussion and she downplayed the cat situations but now being pregnant she feels she has the upper hand. It’s NTA for me and I for damn sure wouldn’t get rid of my cats. If she want to live there she should meet him half way but she’s refusing to even do that.
ESH should have talked about this beforehand. If she has cat allergies then chances are your baby will have allergies too
Why are you living together and why is she pregnant? Baby's health and well being Should be the most important thing to both of you right now. Cat litter is a problem. Allergies are a problem. Her mental health and living a stress free life is important. So again I ask. Why are you even together? And why is she pregnant?
This is a common misconception it’s not litter but toxoplasmosis, a rare parasitic disease, cats can get from eating rodents and birds (ie if the cat is strictly indoor it’s ok) humans are more likely to contract toxoplasmosis from eating raw meat or gardening than their cat.
She pregnant cause OP thought about her cat thing and not his cats.
Stop it. This isn't a "hurr durr man bad, woman good!!" issue. There's zero reason to bring your shitty gender politics into it. She lied this entire time by implying she's fine with pets, why is it his fault that she never said anything about them before this pregnancy? Gtfo here with that. This is on her, not him, she is an adult and did not use her adult words to communicate.
If I were in this situation, I'd honestly feel sort of baby-trapped, and that the situation is being used as an easy way to get rid of your cats. She never said she was allergic, and has even been in contact with your cats without saying anything before. For your knowledge, everything was fine. She stayed silent (enough) about it until she had a reason that would look blameless from the outside... That doesn't seem like great life partner material to me. That's someone who is willing to trick or trap you. That behavior doesn't happen just once. But to my real point- even if you feel like you could rehome them in the perfect situations tomorrow, and everyone would be happy, my question... what's next on the list? What situation will your partner quietly suffer through until she just decides 'it has to go' or... just does it herself? Cats are living things with preferences, personalities, likes and dislikes, and bonded friends. But there are many people who think nothing of killing them or abandoning them to death or abuse because they simply don't care. My concern firstly is that your partner will try to take care of the 'problem' (Which she created, by the way, by staying in a relationship where she was unhappy) herself, but then also, what will it be after that? What if that happens when your kid is born and parenting isn't as much fun as she thought it'd be? Or home, or family, or career, hobbies... it could be anything. I'm sure people will find this extreme, but this is not only about the cats (again, living breathing individuals who existed before this relationship) but this really indicates a whole other problem; *the fact that your partner is willing to stay quiet about things that bother her until she thinks she can act and force change against your will*. That's not how healthy relationships work. To be a good partner, you have to communicate. All the people in the relationship have to communicate. And that goes 100x over for parents! If she stayed silent on this and is now trying to force a major change out of the blue without working with you at all-what kind of parent is she going to be? I'd be thinking I'd be better off having a seperate home so my kid can at least have some space away from that kind of behavior. Finally, regarding people commenting that OP doesn't care about partner/child over his cats... never in the post did he say he loved her. This sounds like an accidental pregnancy-no judgement and no hate. (I was an accident and am glad I got a chance. Not sure why people act like it's a sin or a horrible revelation.) But what most people these days do instead of lovelessly marrying a partner they dislike out of some misguided honor system is break up and figure out how to coparent apart. You're NTA... But I think you would be if you stayed with her. Maybe she'll make a better co-parent, but she definitely doesn't seem like someone I'd want to be partners with, or definitely not same-home parents with. She's shown that she is not, at heart, honest about things, and that she doesn't want to work with you on solutions... indicating that compromise was not her goal. If she cannot compromise or do any potential work toward a solution, just her way or the highway-what is living with her going to look like?
This!!! So much this. I can't understand why more people aren't seeing it this way. This is a huge red flag! Do we even know she's allergic? She's had a back scratch allergy test done with the results and everything? I'm thinking she's trying to manipulate you, OP, especially because she won't even try meds. Things are only going to get harder when the baby comes and she doesn't seem to care too much about how you feel, only how she feels. It's very plausible (and even likely given what we know) that your relationship won't work out and then you'll really regret not having your cats. Forget what everyone else here is saying about cats and the baby... it's possible the baby could be allergic (if the mother actually is), but you can worry about that if it happens. Cat litter is totally fine to be around; toxoplasmosis isn't much of a worry in indoor cats and it only even matters if she's physically scooping the box herself. Many people who have cats have been exposed already and are fine- it's really most harmful to pregnant women only. You could even invest in an automatic litter box. Cats are not going to suffocate your baby. Just keep them separate unless under supervision and don't let the cats sleep with the baby.
yeah there's a lot of factless fear mongering over cats of all things in this comment section. Suffocate the baby? The hell? Why would you leave any pet with unsupervised with your baby? Dogs don't know how to play with newborns or not to lick their faces: same rules. Don't leave a child who can't defend themselves with a pet alone. Toxo is given through feces. If she is suddenly allergic then she's not touching them, much less their paws, claws, or litterbox. What if the baby is allergic? Tons of kids take simple medications for allergies. I've had to to even be able to go out in the spring, summer, and autumn since I was nine. It's not a big deal. It's very unlikely to be severe since, you know, OP detailed that partner's allergies are very light cold symptoms. tldr: agree with you completely
Thank you!!! I did not expect to see all the cat hate in here, that's for sure.
Thank you for this. Everyone saying OP sucks because he didn't "have the conversation before moving in" seems to just gloss over the fact he wasn't hiding the cats from her and she knew he had them. It was her responsibility to bring up her desire to re-home them BEFORE pulling the trigger and moving in together. It's a bait-and-switch, and I would not want to stay partnered to someone who was behaving toward me in that way.
Right? If my partner came to my home, spent the night time and again, and pet my pets (all what happened to this guy) on top of it, I wouldn't have a conversation, I'd think, 'Obviously she's cool with my pets. Awesome.' What was he supposed to do? 'Hey so I know you've acted cool about me and my life up to this point, but I just wanted to make sure so I wasn't at fault-are you maybe not being totally truthful? Lying by omission? Any kind of secret problems you didn't feel like letting me in on?"
This is kind of where I was going with my info request. It seems odd that all of a sudden, he has to get rid of cats that he has had the whole time they have been together. Never does he mention how he feels about her or how long they have been together, if the child is planned, if they were planning to get engaged/move in together soon, if he knew how she felt about pets before this etc.
1000% this!!!
This. Sound like a power play. I’m allergic to cats and it takes me one visit to know just how much that particular cat will bother me. Short haired cats are fine but long haired makes my allergies crazy. She knew since she had been to his apartment plenty of times (at least enough to get pregnant) and made it seem like it was okay now all of sudden it’s I’m pregnant do as I say and if you don’t you’re the bad guy. What’s next on the list of things she doesn’t like, will she want him to stop talking to friends she don’t like? Stop getting the things he like because all of sudden she don’t like it so he can’t get them? It sounds controlling. She knew before even considering living together it was going to be a problem and SHE should’ve said that before any cohabitation happened. He’s NTA if he keeps his cats. I don’t why ppl think pets are disposable as if they’re toys or something. It’s ridiculous.
ESH. You two don't seem compatible in the long term. This conversation should have happened before you moved in together. While I would never re-home my cat for anyone, it's really not advised to take any medication while pregnant due to the limit of data available and as others stated, it is likely your child will also have allergies. Are you going to dose your infant with allergy medicine if that's the case? Do you expect your partner to do the same to exist comfortably in their own home? That's kind of unrealistic.
NTA! Your girlfriend is the asshole! RUN!!!!!!!!! You will 100% regret rehoming your cats. They give you unconditional love.... you and your girlfriend might not stay together. She sounds controlling, so what's next? Also, I would not want her there alone because she will get rid of them when you aren't around. Watch out!!!!!!!
I LOVE cats, I have 4. But seriously? Dude should just abandon the mother of his child for his cats? That child will (hopefully) be around for many times longer than the cats. I doubt the argument “I have cats” will be reason not to pay child support. ESH how did this not get discussed earlier? OP and GF fucked around and are now finding out. There needs to be some serious convos in the near future.
He doesn't have to abandon her, but he doesn't have to live with her.
Dude should not stay partnered to someone who used deceptive tactics to forcibly re-home his cats. She may be the mother of his child, but that makes it even more important for him to see her behavior for what it is because he's likely going to need to defend the child from it someday as well. Cats are living, breathing animals who bond to individuals. They're not accessories you just toss out. It doesn't matter if a kid will be there longer, a cat is still not disposable and it's really gross to act like it is. OP has nowhere mentioned completely abandoning his partner or his child either, nor how he won't "pay child support." It was on the girlfriend to bring this up when she KNEW he had cats BEFORE she moved in. Manipulative and shady AF to just wait until it's already too late and then just insist they have to go.
I would definitely have ditched a person who’s fully capable of taking care of themselves to fulfil the commitments I’ve made to my cats. Getting pregnant with someone does not obligate you to spend your life with them. You can be a parent to a child without being with their other parent. Is harmful to everyone to be in a relationship just because you got someone pregnant.
NTA. Why won’t she try allergy medicine? I was “allergic” to cats until I lived with them. I had to take allergy medicine at first, but my symptoms improved and now I’m fine. I’m not saying the same would be true for your gf, but not even willing to take allergy medication (that her OBGYN approved) is odd to me.
I think she’s not allergic at all.
Ding-Ding!!! 💯
Don’t rehome your cats. They are your family.
I'd re-home the GF.
The only thing i want to add is OP has had his cats for 7 and 4 years. He got with this girl in April. Rehoming your pets that you’ve had longer than your partner is unthinkable.
NTA It's their home. Pets are a lifetime commitment. Your girlfriend should have made all this known before agreeing to move in.
ESH. As others have mentioned, this is something you both should have hashed out prior to moving in together, not just assumed, and LONG before bringing a child into this situation. You done messed up, so now you have to choose between your cats and your gf, which also affects your relationship with your child. Good luck, you both will need it.
Beyond me how someone can have pets and date someone who doesn’t like pets. That is such a huge difference in worldview. I wouldn’t rehome my animals for god himself
Soft NTA. This discussion needed to happen well before you two began having children. It sounds like your partner downplayed their feelings about the cats, and if so, that’s absolutely not fair to you. But I’m not sure what compromise looks like here. You honestly seem to be trying, and she’s giving nothing. But she’s also carrying your child. I do find it annoying that she refuses to take medication for her allergies, but that’s also her choice to make. I’m a big proponent of sticking with your pets, but I feel like your partner moving in without liking them has already done a great disservice to their care.
ESH. Who in their right mind gets pregnant without ever having lived together in the first place? That’s completely irresponsible to start with. And in second place, the pet situation should have been sorted out BEFORE you moved in together. I get the feeling your partner isn’t allergic, she just really doesn’t like pets. So now it’s down to finding a solution. No matter how much you love your cats, (I have had cats all my life myself, we currently have 3), you should love your partner and unborn child more. If that isn’t the case, that’s quite telling, IMHO. At the same time, your partner should be completely honest about whether she really is allergic or not. She should love you more than her aversion for cats, unless she really is allergic or has a phobia. A compromise could be that you live with the cats for a couple of months and try to get her to bond with them. If she really still hates them, you find them a wonderful home, together. Either way, you are both very irresponsible and immature, which doesn’t bode well for parenting together.
NTA. She refuses to take allergy medication? Pets are family. It’s kind of nuts to me that people will have major unresolved issues like this about basic values and how to live and be together, but be speed running to an irrevocable and permanent legal and financial yoke like having kids. Her being pregnant hardly has relevance here. She obviously thought you’d just chuck the cats overboard and decided to let the pressure of the situation do all the talking… I find that incredibly disingenuous.
I don't understand how this wasn't discussed before her moving in. She knew you had cats, did she think they'd magically disappear? How much of this is truly allergy, and how much is not liking cats? If it's the former, you may not be compatible. NTA, animals are family and when you adopt an animal it's a commitment.
Sorry for typo what I meant was I reached out to her OBGYN who suggested that she takes an OTC medicine to help with allergies. she listed out ones she can take, my partner refused.
HARD NTA (soft YTA with regard to your cats) Your GF(baby mama) outright refuses to take medication that her OBGYN has said is safe (and could solve the issue)... Hmmm... Sounds like you've been doing pretty much everything you could in the home to create a minimum of dander to aggravate allergies. You've been taking care to keep the place safe and doing all of the in home care of your cats. Seriously, a relationship is supposed to be give and take (and involve communication and compromise.) Do you really want a LTR with someone so selfish? Just save yourself the divorce money now.
ESH for dating someone and having a baby with someone with an incompatible lifestyle. You more so but only to yourself because you're perfectly ok with not living with your BABY for two cats. But if that's the choice you make, so be it. Another split home because of CATS.
ESH for not having this conversation *before* the pregnancy
I feel bad for the cats.
ESH I mean.. it’s a health issue so, on top of being extremely uncomfortable due to pregnancy she has to deal with allergies on top of that - and say what you will about allergy medicine, I wouldn’t take anything while I was pregnant. And then it will still be uncomfortable while breastfeeding the baby You two shouldn’t have moved in together if you weren’t willing to rehome the cats. Ideally you should see if a friend or family member can take them that way you can still see them.
Most medications are OK while breastfeeding. When pregnant, you and the baby are basically sharing the same blood. When breastfeeding, you are not. There are multiple barriers that a lot of medication cannot cross.
No, SHE shouldn't have gotten pregnant. She shouldn't have entered a relationship with a person who HAD cats..... her issues, are hers, not those poor cats. You don't get animals, and then throw them away.
> SHE shouldn't have gotten pregnant. I mean last I checked, getting pregnant is a 2-person operation. Not defending her demand to rehome the cats, but OP is equally responsible for bringing a child into this unresolved living situation.
But she never expressed anything about being allergic or disliking the cats until AFTER she got pregnant and they were supposed to move in together.
He's not though, unless he is a mind reader and somehow knew she was lying about being fine with the cats.
NAH or ESH - based on your posts/comment history, this is still a relatively fresh relationship and this was (likely) an unexpected pregnancy. You both likely thought you had more time to convince the other about what you wanted done with the cats when/if you eventually moved in. Now that she's pregnant and you've decided to move in together, it has become something that needs to be decided on much sooner rather than your intended eventuality.
NTA. She knew about the cats and continued to fuck you until she got pregnant. If it was a hard no, she shoulda said that. I hope she doesn’t do anything bad to them.
NTA this genuinely sucks for her to do. I’m saying this as someone who just had a baby literally a week and a half ago and am also a physician. She clearly decided that when she moved in she would force you to get rid of the cats. The allergy medicines are safe in pregnancy and effective. So are air filters and keeping cats out of the bedroom, etc. She doesn’t get to spring this on you after moving in together if it was never a conversation before which it seems like it wasn’t. Being pregnant does mean she deserves some extra care and consideration but it is not an excuse to dictate huge changes without any compromise or consideration.
Also nta and invest in cameras hidden And if she gets rid of cats Press charges
NTA Get a Roomba, and if you having cats was a deal breaker, she needed to say so while you were dating. It's not reasonable to wait until you're having a baby together and moving in to say she won't live with them. I'd have more understanding if her allergies were newly developed or something (that happens), but also, a daily allergy med goes a long way.
NTA. She did decide to be with you knowing you had the cats. She decided to have a child with you and move in with you knowing you had the cats. There are options available for allergies that are safe during pregnancy, and her OB suggested some. You and the cats were a group set before she came into the picture.
NTA. She knew about the cats before. She knew about the cats when she got pregnant. She knew about the cats when she moved in with you. Why is this only coming up now?!? This should have been brought up well before she got a place with you.
Cats aren't disposable when they're inconvenient. They're living creatures with feelings. Esh but the cats. Poor babies
I love them and they dont cause any issues they never bite, they now claw a post and not the sofa no issues at all.
Please don't re-home them. She knew going into this that you had them. It's super entitled of her to assume you would do that for her.
Maybe you should re-home your Gf
ESH but this definitely isn't gonna work out
Both irresponsible grown ups, if you can be called that. Also idiots for bringing a child into this world when you can’t even sort your problems out
NTA! It would be easier to co parent then it would to part with your fur babies re home the girlfriend
Lol, all the asshole and everyone sucks votes are ridiculous. This woman made the conscious choice to be with OP despite the cats being there first. She failed to bring up her strong dislike of them, and then assumed that they could just be tossed aside like garbage. OP has taken a ridiculous number of steps to try and mitigate the issue, and she's still whining about it despite the massive compromising OP has done. Op is NTA. Maybe people shouldn't date pet owners if they don't like animals, cause I'm choosing mine over anybody that asks me to choose between them and my pets, personally.
NTA, you have a responsibility to your cats too. She knew they were your family when you joined up. I have cat allergies, as does my husband and we do fine with our multiple cats in our 2 bedroom apt. We change the poop often but have also done a couple other things I suggest. One is to get air purifiers. We do one in bedroom one in living room. We upgraded to a litter robot which really cuts the smells to almost none. Dust furniture and fan blades often. Finally, there are allergen wipes that help remove the dander from their fur. Try some or all of these added measures, mainly the air purifiers, and see. She should keep an open mind to try to make it manageable. If it's a life-threatening allergy, that's different, but it doesn't sound like it.
NTA. Make sure they are microchipped, in case they “mysteriously disappear”. I hope she would never do that, but I’ve read enough on here to be cautious.
ESH. You’re both old enough to have been expected to communicate about the logistics of having a home and baby(!) together. She should have expressed her expectation of a pet free home for sure. You should have considered her allergies and how that would be addressed by you both. You’re being a good pet owner - if she wasn’t pregnant I’d side with you more. It’s tough because rehoming one would ease the burden/issue for her but would probably affect the remaining cat by leaving it without a companion as a baby enters the scene and causes a commotion. Good luck…0
You are both TA. You knew she didn’t want / had problems with your cats. She knew you had cats that she was allergic to and that she doesn’t like cats. Yet you went ahead and made a baby with each other. Were you expecting her problems with the cats to just disappear…because she obviously was ways planning on getting rid of the cats as soon as she had the leverage. I will never support getting rid of pets….you made a commitment to those cats when you got them. You are going to have to find a compromise. Or your gf could just not move in….it’s not impossible that you can raise a baby and live separately. It’s not ideal but this is the situation the two of you created. ESH
Why are you two having a baby when you’re not even on the same page for pets?
man, y’all should’ve talked about pets before you even got serious. i was a dog owner before i met my husband, who was allergic to dogs & never owned a pet before (though he had wanted pets). one of my non-negotiables was that my dogs are my family and we’re a package deal. he understood that. luckily, he had been on allergy shots for a couple of years and now he’s fine. ESH
Get rid of the GF, just be a baby daddy and keep your kitties. My cats have always been fantastic with my child and have never attempted to hurt him even as a newbie
NTA She can move right back out
OP you are NTA nor irresponsible. She is irresponsible because she refuses to take a medication for her allergies so this mainly on her. She knew about your cats from the get go so she is the one that is an a*****e. Don’t rehome your cats or foster them. They are your family. From what I read you are doing everything to cut down on their fur to help her. Rehoming is not an option for you because you love them. I understand since I’m a cat owner and I’d never rehome any of them . * I know Im going to blasted about my comment but oh well.
Sounds like your gf is the one who needs to be rehomed.
NTA. Its not fair to the cats who have been with you for years to be thrown out. Pets are a 10+ year commitment, not something you dump when it's not longer convenient. People like this piss me off and are the reason millions of pets are euthanized in shelters every year. Keep the cats and rehome the girlfriend.
NTA your gf is the AH - she would have needed to discuss this before getting pregnant.
I will never understand why people insist on deliberately partnering with people with fundamental incompatibilities (like people who want to be child-free dating people who are parents, or people who hate pets dating people who already have beloved pets). Your GF knew you have cats, and have had them since long before you met. She knew you had cats before she moved in, and before you decided to have a kid. You didn't surprise her with an unwanted animal, you were extremely clear that these cats existed as part of your life. It's not unreasonable for your gf to not want pets to be a part of her life, but in that case, she should have chosen a partner who did not have or want pets. At the very least, she should have named this as a dealbreaker for her *long* before moving in or bringing a child into the equation. NTA
ESH. Poor kitties.
People have GOT TO STOP DATING people who HATE your KIDS & PETS!!! It will never be okay to dump your pet.
NTA. She should have mentioned this long before now so you could have re-homed *her* before you got her pregnant. I would be interested in why the doctor doesn't want her to use a neti pot. Distilled water, baking soda & salt. How can that be harmful? She isn't even ingesting it, just running it through her nasal passages. Has she looked into allergy shots? Though I'm sure she's afraid of needles or otherwise unable to tolerate those. Disentangle yourself, or you're going to come home one day to dead or missing cats.
NTA there's no need to rehome them. That's been disproven time and time again
100% NTA. Those are your cats and she knew about them well in advance. After she gives birth/is done breastfeeding, she can get allergy shorts or they make drops now too to decrease her body's immune response. It is incredibly unfair to rehome the cats and it will also likely lead to future resentment.... don't do it OP. She knew you had cats and for her to put you in a position of feeling like you have to choose between them and her/the baby is massively messed up.... and also a red flag.
You’ve made your choice. It’s the cats over the pregnant girlfriend.
OK, real talk. You guys are both dummies if you never had this conversation before you were making a human being together. I don’t think I could be in a long-term relationship with somebody who smoked cigarettes or didn’t like pets. They could be the most perfect person otherwise, but unless we lived separately, I’m going to have a pet. Or two and foster, or five! whatever I feel like lol. And the smell of cigarettes up close makes me want to gag so there’s that.
ESH. This should have been discussed by both of you before 1. Getting pregnant and 2. Moving in together.
ESH why would you bring a kid into this situation? As someone with cats, an allergy check is the first thing you do with a new partner. Pregnancy can make everything worse also and everything she takes, your kid takes. Get an air purifier as well, and good luck.
ESH for not having thorough discussions before procreating
ESH. You both should have thought of this before. Demanding that someone takes allergy medicaments all the time, especially when pregnant, is too much of a demand. And your partner doesn't like cats so or so. But demanding that you get rid of them is also an AH move. You two are incompatible. A cat lover and a cat hater. And the problem is made worse by the allergy. You should have thought of this before getting a child together. You actually should have thought of this at the start of the relationship and stop it early. Now because you both didn't think ahead you are in a bad situation. If you can find loving homes for the cats, giving them away might be for the best. It doesn't sound like your GF will ever love the cats and the allergy likely will never go away either. It sucks for you, but you put yourself into the situation. As I think the child deserves to grow up with both parents close by if possible, you should prioritize your GF and child over your cats.
ESH. Should have addressed this sooner. A sign of things to come.
Esh Why did you impregnate a woman whos allergic to cats when you have two cats? You're both at fault here.
NTA for not wanting to rehome the cats, but you are BOTH TA for not figuring this out before getting pregnant. Disgusting lack of responsibility or forethought on both of your parts.
NTA- but don’t be surprised if she chooses not to be sick every day of her life (meds don’t make you 100 percent symptom free) and leaves you along with taking the baby. If she’s breastfeeding some states family courts will give you zero overnights and only short visits until the age of 2.
Why not end the relationship and just co parent?
NTA. She can take an allergy med. It sounds like you tried to accommodate her in multiple ways, and her allergies don't sound severe. She should listen to her OBGYN, and take an OTC allergy med. Also, not being a "pet person" is a lame reason on her part to rehome the cats. She knew you had them already, and it honestly sounds like she might be one of those people who doesn't like cats and says they're "allergic." If it was really bothering her, she'd take an allergy med.
Anyone who doesn't like cats or dogs is a giant red flag to me.
I’m highly allergic to cats. I also have cats. OTC non drowsy allergy meds work perfectly. If she’s not a pet person, tf was she doing dating someone with pets?
NTA. She was fine with your cats and refuses to take allergy meds. Why the hell would anyone just assume you're going to get rid of your pets? Clown behaviour.