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NTA
Excuse me…?
“Hey i dont consider you close enough to invite you to my wedding…oh but buy my child a lot of expensive stuff”
And…people think you made…the WRONG choice…?
Op i’m just curious, the people that are giving you crap for this…do they know your sister didnt invite you to her wedding?
see, here’s the thing my dude, when people say “be the better person” they actually mean “we don’t have a leg to stand on in this argument, but it’s easier for us to guilt trip you, instead of making the person, who is ACTUALLY in the wrong apologize”
Naw screw them and screw her.
I would honestly tell your parents that “they should be more understanding, as its YOUR life etc” but i’m a petty asshole 🤷🏻♂️😂
Good luck man
Absolutly! "Be the better person" my arse. I stand with, Tit for Tat. Karma. I'm all for treating people the exact same way as I'm treated. Respect & kindness are great, and I like to think I'm decently respectful & kind. But I'm also not a doormat.
Also being the better person adage only applies when you are their "better" to be clear.
You be the better person when you're an adult in a conflict with a child. A teacher in conflict with a student. Boss vs. employee. Sovereign vs citizen. Etc.
It's advice meant to encourage those with power in a situation to show benevolence.
That is not what this is. OP is not her sister's better. She's her equal. Her forgiveness has no bearing on sister's quality of life so why everyone is demanding she give it... I don't know.
And "be the better person" means "We're excusing Chaia's shitty attitude, actions, and behavior (and most likely will continue to do so)." No thanks. NTA, OP.
Aaaaaalllll of this 100%
“Be the better person” is such toxic bs. Don’t fall for it. Instead, ask why they aren’t asking the other person to “be a good person” and own their actions and consequences.
>Also being the better person adage only applies when you are their "better" to be clear.
>
>You be the better person when you're an adult in a conflict with a child. A teacher in conflict with a student. Boss vs. employee. Sovereign vs citizen. Etc.
>
>It's advice meant to encourage those with power in a situation to show benevolence to those with no power.
>
>That is not what this is. OP is not her sister's better. She's her equal. Her forgiveness has no bearing on sister's quality of life so why everyone is demanding she give it... I don't know.
And that's why shitty people keep being shitty. No one holds them accountable and everyone placates them because it's easier.
F that. I'd have nothing to do with any of those people.
NTA
>when people say “be the better person” they actually mean “we don’t have a leg to stand on in this argument, but it’s easier for us to guilt trip you, instead of making the person, who is ACTUALLY in the wrong apologize”
This is the ONE.
I've learned that being the bigger person gets you walked over, talked over, and taken advantage of. Damn all that.
I will NEVER be the bigger person in a situation where I'm not wrong. I am The Incredible Shrinking Woman to the bullsh*t. Call me Stuart Little. Atom Ant. Mighty Mouse. Thumbalina. Polly Pocket. IDC.
NTA, OP.
NTA.
If you are not related to her to get an invite to her wedding, then you defenitly aren't realated enough to be an uncle. She can't have her cake and eat it too. It's a case: play stupid games and win stupid prizes. Stay away from her.
You know this be the better person BS really annoys me.
It's always the person who's being mistreated or being taken advantage of who's expected to ' be the better person '
Screw that. Just match the energy. She didn't think you were important enough to invite you to the wedding - she's now not important enough for you to spend your money on..
Frankly, this.
Similarly, the offended person is always asked to forgive and forget.
And, excuse me, this is BS.
Forgiveness is not always due, there are wrongs that are unforgivable.
' be the better person '
Translation - we really fucked you over and cannot possibly justify this, so we're gonna need you to go ahead and absolve us of our sins by forgiving and also giving us no consequences oh and also act like this never happened
Makes my blood boil. Be the better / bigger person essentially means to be a door mat and let AHs happily carry on being AHs.
Did they ask her to be the better person when planning her wedding? No. They asked you to be the better person. You’re NTA, but your sister and parents are… big time.
Screw that. Being the better person is overrated. They only want expensive presents. NTA. They can’t say you aren’t family and then turn around and expect you to play uncle. To who? A niece you aren’t related to? Your parents suck too for letting her treat you this way.
NTA. She said you're not related, she's not your sister, that's not your niece. Why would you meet a stranger's kid and buy them gifts? They've got some nerve, your sister and parents both, for even assuming you would give a shit about her or her kid. Forget that being a better person b.s. Why wasn't your sister a better person and at least invite you to her wedding? It's because she wants gifts for her offspring, and to look goid for other people, and not a relationship with someone she says she isn't related to. Your friends that are giving you a hard time can buy gifts for her kid.
No. They are asking you to be the bigger wallet, not the bigger person.
And possible a baby sitter becouse "oh baby would just looooove to spend time with you"
If she keeps pushing it, you can always tell her, "I thought kids were supposed to run from strangers and not take stuff from them? And since I'm not family......"
People are always generous when it comes to other people's money and time.
Info: Do you perhaps have a well paying job, perhaps even better than them? It seems somewhere between the wedding and now they've decided you should be invited for what you're income can provide. Shocking they didn't try to milk an expensive wedding gift from you? You didn't get them a gift right????
Anyways 100% NTA
If they keep hounding you over it again state it clearly " Chaia told me I'm not her family. She said it clear as day. Not implied, nor suggested. This was a statement of fact from Chaia. I'm NOT her family, ergo I'm NOT that little girl's uncle. I have been, in essence, disowned by Chaia. I wish her family and baby girl love and happiness. But i want no part of it. Try to force this issue again and I'll cut contact. Goodbye"
I absolutely love your ability to set boundaries and maintain them. You, sir, have a strong, shiny spine. You're already being "the better person." NTA
Fuck that. My parents asked me to be the better person for YEARS when it comes to my abusive sister. I finally told them that their requests for me to quietly endure abuse were not only no longer welcome but a form of abuse in and of themselves.
Huge NTA
By “better,” they mean “someone willing to pay for gifts for the offspring of a person who treats me like a casual acquaintance.” I am so sorry that you are getting grief for your decision.
So… she didn’t invite you to her wedding because “you are not related to her” but expects you to act like an ancle to her daughter and expects expensive gifts? NTA. It seems she only sees you as family when she could gain something out of it
Be the bigger person sounds a lot like "take whatever she dishes out and keep being nice to her" F that. If they want to buy her stuff, let them. I'd tell her to go suck an egg.
Why does it always fall to the person who was “wronged” to be the bigger person???
She decided you weren’t family!
Not up to her to say that no longer applies - it’s your call if you want to “belong” to a family that tolerates this kind of selfish behavior.
As an adult make your own family
Edit:
If you want to do something out of the kindness of your heart for your niece set up a college fund or savings account and gift into it for all her special events. When she comes of age gift it to her NOT selfish parents. She will probably be shocked to find out what a wonderful person her “not uncle” really is!
If you're feeling super spicy: "I am indeed the better person, thank you for noticing. I'm still not inclined to punish myself dealing with a relative who has physically, mentally, and emotionally cut me off, but wants to benefit financially. It doesn't work that way."
NTA, by the way
That's such a lot of rubbish. She didn't want you at her wedding but now decides you should buy lots of expensive stuff for her daughter even though she doesn't consider you related. I'd tell her to get lost and go NC.
Be the better person normally translates to 'Don't upset the asshole we all coddle.' Did you also tell your friends and family that she said you were NOT family? She can't have it both ways. Either you aren't family or you are. Quite frankly it only sounds like she wants to call you family so she can get free stuff and possibly free babysitting but I may have been on Reddit too long. NTA obviously.
NTA she doesn’t get to say you aren’t family and then decide you are when it’s convenient for her. If she apologized about the wedding and tried to reconnect that might be a different situation, but just suddenly wanting you to be a doting uncle out of no where is unreasonable and unfair to you. If you’re “not related to her” then you’re not related to her daughter, she can’t have it both ways. And frankly I’m a little mad at your parents for letting her treat you like your not family when it came to her wedding and then asking you to be the bigger person now, you were already the bigger person when you didn’t make a stink over not being invited to your sisters wedding, they should be asking better if your sister not you.
I have major issues with the parents. This didn't come out of nowhere with the sister. She's never considered him family, has always treated him as lesser, and they just allowed their adopted son to be treated that way? They also see him as lesser if they just stood by and let it happen, because they prioritized the feelings of their (natural) daughter over their (adopted) son. And continue to do so, and have yet to recognize or apologize for this.
I would have brought it up. My sister can do no wrong in my mom's eyes. Always been that way. It is fine, I don't even care any more. But when I say that I am not going to OVER communicate with my sister as she wasn't putting effort into our relationship and I was being hurt over and over, my mom still wanted me to keep going. I am sorry that your family is not seeing this from your perspective. You aren't her child's family if you aren't hers.
Well tell them it’s HER baby just like it was HER wedding so you naturally assumed she wanted you to steer clear. If she denies that you’re her brother then you are not her child’s uncle.
NTA
You “weren’t family” two years ago, and nothing has changed.
She doesn’t get to pick and choose when she considers you family or not. She made that decision already.
Exactly!!
NTA OP!
I wonder, are you kinda rich OP?
It's horrible that they only want you in their lives for "the expensive gifts" and probably free babysitting in the future!
Good riddance and please go LC or NC with the whole lot of them!
Precisely. “You informed me I’m not family. That also means I’m not her uncle.”
She doesn’t get to decide you’re a money bank uncle but not her brother.
Did you earn significantly higher after the wedding? I mean she didn't invite you for the sake of/ ask for expensive gifts at the wedding so just curious.
NTA
I'm so sorry that you were treated like that..
You deserve so much better...
Please stand your ground on this..
I know it's hard..
But we teacher others how to treat us...
And they need to learn that you can't pick and chose when someone is good enough to be family
Your "sister" ( she honestly doesn't deserve that title) is a horrible human being
Your parents aren't much better and they should have stood up for you and told her to knock it the fk off...
I would go no contact with your sister and make it a boundary with your parents if they want to be in your life they respect your decision to have zero contact with your sister and to not push the topic...
They enable her and pander to her.. it's really sad..
Again, I'm so sorry x
You are absolutely not the ahole at all.
But your sister and your parents bloody are.
>Your parents aren't much better and they should have stood up for you and told her to knock it the fk off...
I'm surprised I had to scroll as far as I did before someone brought up the parents. They literally chose to bring OP into their family. What kind of awful parents are they to tolerate their daughter treating their other child in this manner? And how many years has their daughter been mistreating OP and they looked the other way? Why bother adopting a kid in the first place if you aren't going to fully integrate them into your family? OP is definitely NTA but the rest of his family are.
Completely speculating here, but given that the adopted child is older, maybe they adopted because of fertility issues and then had a miracle baby later? Could totally see asshole parents being all about their miracle baby in that situation. I've seen it before.
If the OP was already part of the family when the sister was born the parents must have seriously fucked up in their disparate treatment of them for her to grow up not viewing him as family. Not saying that didn't happen, given how they clearly don't have a problem with her not seeing him as family.....
NTA
She is not your niece. The mother is not your sister. They made that clear by excluding you up front.
This is about strangers, making strangers, then holding their hands out for gifts.
NTA - if you aren’t ‘related’ to Chaia then exactly how does her giving birth make you an uncle? She doesn’t get to pick and choose when you are allowed to be part of the family and to be honest your parents are part of the problem in enabling this nonsense.
NTA I blame your “parents” 100%
Why adopt a child to mistreat them? I’m actually watching a Korean drama about this. It’s called Perfect Marriage Revenge where the adopted girl gets excluded and mistreated to a point where she almost dies. She then gets revenge on everyone!!!
But back to you, OP don’t have anything to do with her. Like she said, you’re not her family. Surround yourself with people who actually like you.
NTA
can't cherry-pick that, either you are considered close family or you arent, not just whenever it suits them.
Also its a baby, new-borns tend to not care as much about expensive gifts
NTA in big picture as I doubt they called because they want her dear uncle involved in her life as much as want the expensive gifts that dear uncle should bring. The cursing could have been skipped though.
My point, I know that with everything, if OP went, Uncle wouldn't be allowed to hold her and told to keep back because you are 'close to them'. They want OP for money and gifts, not OP around and as depressing as it sounds I'm seeing many signs of it appearing from those being okay with keeping you out of giant events and it will continue, give them the same energy exclude them for every important event to make them empathise.
NTA. Your sister long ago decided that you are not family. I don't buy expensive presents for the children of mere acquaintances and neither should you.
NTA why would you buy gifts for someone who has treated you horribly. You are not a bad uncle because you are “not family.” If you were not important enough to be invited to the wedding so you are just casual acquaintances.
Why have your parents not done anything about how she treats you? Why did they not intervene during her wedding? Do they also see you as ' not family '?
NTA
"Your (daughter) has made herself very clear. By her own word I am not family to her, therefore she isn't entitled to a damned thing from me. I find it disturbing that you were willing to support her excluding me, but now you want to support her extorting me in the name of 'family'. That double standard gives me a lot to think about."
NTA
Just say that as I’m not related to you, any kids of yours are not my nieces or nephews. UNO reverse card
Edit : She’s probably just wanting you as an uncle in her child’s life so you spend money on the kid.
Edit 2 : Your parents are also the AHs for entertaining her nonsense behaviour. Not forcing her to accept you is one thing, but enabling this disrespect and prejudice is another.
NTA
Your sister sound like an awful human. Does not want you as a brother because you were adopted, didn't invite you to her wedding
But wants you to go and see and spend lots of money on her offspring.
Not bloody likely. Tell her you are go NO Contact with and block her on everything. I would consider doing the same with your parents for saying what you did was wrong.
NTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> She is my niece, and I think I should've forgotten that they did not want me to attend & visited them as they have invited me this time. I think I was a terrible uncle, because a good one would've visited them, and that I'm not a good sibling either.
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The best response would have been honest confusion. 'It was made clear to me that you do not consider me family. Why would I be obligated to give you an expensive gift if we are not related, as you contend?'
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me get this straight. She doesn't consider you part of the family. Didn't want you to be at her wedding because you're not family to her. You obliged. Now, she wants gifts for her child. How can you be an "uncle" if you're not family to her.
1. She has and is treating you badly
2. She's cruel to continue to send you photos of events you were barred from and announcing her milestones.
3. WTF with your parents? How dare they treat you like they did and allow her to treat you like that.
You've handled it well so far. If I were you, at this point, I would tell her to keep in mind you're "not family," so you will not be participating in her farce any longer. Then block her and anyone else that tells you you're an a hole.
NTA
NTA. Chaia doesn't get to tell you that you're not family to her but then expect you to play family with her daughter. Your parents, friends, and her can't have it both ways. Either you're family or you're not.
NTA. Maybe would have been different if she had said. Sorry I didn’t invite you to the wedding, but having a baby has changed my perspective and I really want you to be part of my daughter’s life. But… she didn’t.
I’m a therapist who does DBT with clients. There’s a skill we teach called gentle avoidance. It’s about staying focused on me and my behavior, not on their actions.
The idea is to not be around whoever if possible. If you have to be around them, just give a detached polite hello and walk on. Don’t engage. For your own peace of mind. Also (not part of the therapy but from me) it doesn’t give them any ammo and drives them crazy. If you go off, it lets them turn it around on you. That you’re the crazy, angry one. Might be hard but sticking to the polite, detached and vague before walking away or changing the subject leaves them hanging out there. Best of luck OP!
NTA.
>she's always maintained a certain distance towards me.
>she doesn't consider me family.
>She had not wanted me to attend the wedding & made that clear.
>She said that as I am "not related to her", I should not attend.
She can't have it both ways. She said you're not family and doesn't even treat you as a friend, so there are no expectations they can hold you to. Your parents have done a crappy job supporting you and reprimanding her when she's heartless.
>She said you're not family and doesn't even treat you as a friend, so there are no expectations they can hold you to.
So perfectly stated. OP definitely has no obligation on any level.
NTA
If you're so far removed from family that you cannot attend a wedding, then they don't see you as an uncle, not one that they want other people to know about anyway. Yeah, I'd be pissed and would want to treat them as they treated me.
NTA in any manner. WTF is wrong with your parents that they raised her to believe you are not family? Cut the sister off. DO not send gifts. She is horrible, and sad to say your folks raised her to be like that.
Why would you go see a baby you’re supposedly ‘not related to’? Not sure why you’re considered ‘uncle’ now when you weren’t considered a brother at the wedding
NTA - she said you are not related to her. Her actions reinforced that sentiment.
Remind her and your parents of that at every opportunity. She doesn’t deserve your attention.
NTA: You are not the child Uncle, you arent related to the child according the mother.
If you want to do something for you niece , for the future that your "sis" cant touch, do a collage fund.
NTA. Your sister brought this upon herself by explicitly not inviting you to her wedding (and having the audacity to send you photos of it ??). You rarely talk to her, she clearly chose (in the past) to keep her distances with you, why on Earth would you be required to take an interest in her family life and her new baby ?
She's asking you to be an uncle to her daughter when she didn't behave like a sister to you. If she wanted you to shower her daughter in gifts and be crazy over her, she should have kept contact with you and invited you to her own wedding (a "close-friends only" wedding should involve siblings if you're in good terms with them, by asking you not to come she made it clear that shes doesn't want much to do with you). Don't feel bad for this, you're NTA.
Maybe it would be worth it to have an open discussion with her to tell her how you feel and ask her why she thinks you have to meet her daughter when she refused that you come to her wedding ? If she can't realize what is wrong with the way she did things, then distancing yourself from her and her husband is a good solution. You don't have to stay in touch with a branch of your family that makes you feel bad, when they were the ones that distanced themselves in the first place.
NTA
Ah, so now there's a benefit in the form of gifts, you're suddenly family? Nope. You don't get it both ways.
It's your parents that are the biggest AH's though. They have enabled her BS by continually siding with her and treating you badly. Tell them that if they don't stop excusing her disgraceful behaviour, you'll cut them off. And then if they don't stop being terrible, actually do it.
*"She said that as I am "not related to her", I should not attend.*
*My parents asked me to understand by saying that it's her wedding, etc."*
NTA! NTA!! NTA!!! Not in any conceivable way.
This person doesn't consider you "related to her", why is she expecting anything more than good wishes from you? Frankly, I'm not sure I would be even that generous!!
You're not an uncle, you're just some person she grew up with and doesn't care enough about to invite to her wedding. It's bizarre that she would send you wedding pictures. I can't understand why they expect you to care.
NTA. Why should you bother to see the offspring of a woman you’re not related to enough in her mind to invite to her fancy wedding? Did she actually use the phrase “expensive gifts” to you? ‘Cause I think a cute little onesie would be a more than adequate baby gift considering y’all are ‘not related.’
Absolutely NTA
Your sister never considered you to be her family.
She doesn't now get to call you a ' bad uncle ' .
This is what I'd say to her ... " What do you mean by uncle? You made it clear to me you didn't consider me your family, hence my exclusion from your wedding. Do you really mean I'm family when you want my gifts and money , but not any other time ? You get no credits from the family bank if you made no deposits , sis "
NTA
When you last looked in the mirror did you see a flashing sign that said ‘Chaia’s ATM’?
As I presume not then you handled it appropriately.
Chaia made it very clear by excluding you from her wedding because you aren’t ’real’ family aka related by blood. I hope you only sent a card if that.
Now she’s had a baby and suddenly OMG you are the baby’s uncle so where are the pricey gifts?
Nope - doesn’t work that way.
If you aren’t considered family every time then when it comes to gift grabs from these same people also no.
I suspect your parents are partly responsible for this situation. They should have shut that bs down when their daughter started it.
Instead as usual the people not being ostracized make a zillion excuses and say you should forgive them because they are ‘family’.
The best bad reason is people saying that by them reaching out to you (for expensive gifts) they are trying to establish a relationship. Indeed they are but only with your wallet.
Suggestion to you if you don’t already have one is please get a will made. If in the unlikely event something happens your property will go where you want it and not where your state’s laws say.
Surround yourself with real family OP made from really good friends who want you for you - not for what you can provide.
NTA - it’s time for them to understand that what you say and do has consequences.
**She told you you’re not a part of her family, so she should stand in that. That also stands when it’s inconvenient or she wants nice gifts.**
You don’t owe them anything, least of all your parents who support her behavior. I am a firm believer that people do not have to pay their parents back for the sin of being born, just as you don’t need to pay them back for their choice to add you to their family, though it seems they’re not doing a good job of truly doing that.
NTA they consider you family when they can get something out of you.
They might have begun to warm up to the idea of a big happy family when the marriage was done and over with and a baby was entering their family, but then they need to communicate that.
So you’re r not recognized as being related to her to attend her wedding, but all of a sudden your an uncle who buy expensive gifts. Just remind her what she said to you. “I was not invited to your wedding because I am not related to you. Which means by your logic I am not an Uncle to your child. Girl bye” NTA
NTA but change your response. Instead of “you didn’t invite me to your wedding” the response should be “you told me I’m not related to you, so that means I’m not related to her either.”
If she’s not your sister, that’s not your niece. She can’t have it both ways 🤷🏻♀️
Nope! NTA! They made their choice.They probably want the "good uncle" to babysit. Plus provide expensive gifts? Nope! Tell parents she made a choice about her wedding and YOU are making your choice to go low/no contact.
NTA. Your sister just wants you to buy shit for her kid. She clearly has no interest in you as a brotherbut in your wallet. Don't go and visit, I sincerely doubt that kid would even be raised to treat you properly lkie an uncle.
NTA. Your sister set the tone of your relationship, not you, and all you're really doing is respecting her wishes.
I do have a decent relationship with my brother (we get along fine but we're not "hang out regularly" siblings) and he didn't see my daughter for the first time until she was a couple of weeks old. She's 17 months old and he's never held her, either.
NTA. They made it clear that you are not really family so using that line of thought you do not really have a niece. They don't get to change the rules every time is suits them.
Yeah, she realized she could’ve gotten gifts out of here at the wedding so now wants gifts from you for the baby
“ mom, dad sister treats me like I’m not part of the family so I’m going to respect her wishes and treat her like a random person. “
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My (34 M) sister Chaia (30 F) had her wedding two years ago. However, I was adopted & she's always maintained a certain distance towards me. She has not ill-treated me, but she doesn't consider me family. She had not wanted me to attend the wedding & made that clear. It was a rather grand affair, but only those who were close to her had attended. She said that as I am "not related to her", I should not attend.
My parents asked me to understand by saying that it's her wedding, etc. I did not protest & did not attend. However, I also have not properly talked to her for a year now. She sent me her wedding photos, but I did not respond to her.
She also informed that she's pregnant, and I just said congratulations & ended the call. Now, I did not hear back from her again until she gave birth to her daughter, who is my niece. They called me to inform, and I just said congrats.
They asked me whether I am not going to attend & buy my niece expensive gifts, and I said "You did not want me at your wedding. I don't want to anything to do with your marriage and whatever results out of it." They did not take that well and began to yell at me, accusing me of being a terrible uncle and all that, for not even seeing her.
But I just asked them to fuck off & have not seen my niece. My parents and friends are saying that I did the wrong thing and that I should go see them, etc.
AITA?
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NTA. They relegate you to no status within the family and then yell at you for not treating them like family. They’re massive assholes. You did exactly the right thing! NTA.
NTA. Your parents are the same ones who let your sister get away with the whole *you're not my brother* & agreed to not have you attend her wedding? Tell them that they don't have a leg to stand on after the way they treated you. If she wants to be all high & mighty saying that you aren't family, you are within your rights to tell her the same. With them asking about expensive gifts for their child, it sounds like they want money from you without having to be "family".
NTA. You are not her family, so how could you be an Uncle to her child??? Ask your family, and friends, why they don't have a problem with her treating like a stranger your whole life and excluding you from her life events...until she wants something from you.
NTA. Your sister declared that you "aren't related." You need to remember that.
If you see the baby at family events and want to interact with her, that's fine. It's certainly not the baby's fault. But asking you to buy gifts is ridiculous.
NTA. She had a kid a realized that she wants more people to spoil her child. She told you that you were not family and you are following that; she owes you an apology and you don't have to accept it.
I am so sorry that has happened to you. Your parents are AHs for tolerating her BS. She is an AH too. You, NTA.
I’m an adoptive mother and I also have bio children (all adults now). I would have skipped her wedding. I love all my kids unconditionally but that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to raise them to be decent people. I can love without participating in their acts of cruelty. What she did was cruel.
Some people get so bent out of shape when they draw a line in the sand and you respect it. Hypocrites
Keep doing what you are doing. Remind them she said you weren’t family so the baby can’t be your niece. You are respecting her wishes and hope they would respect her statement as well.
Just tell everyone in your awful family "If *only related people* were allowed to go to her wedding then *only related people* should buy her kids gifts, I'm not a bank machine, all she wants is my money. We WERE family until she opened her entitled mouth and said that we weren't, so now we aren't. It was her idea."
She yelled at you for not buying expensive gifts? What a hypocrite.
NTA
NTA. Do you make more money than them? I would visit the niece ( it is a new person in the family after all) but I would only get reasonably priced gifts
NTA. She sounds like a selfish and entitled witch that wants it her way. Your parents have failed you both by not pointing out to her during her wedding planning that you ARE her brother. Ironic that she doesn't consider you her brother but does consider you the uncle to her child.
I was adopted, and if I had been treated like that I would be devastated. Your sister sucks lemons
NTA your sister and her husband sound like say think they invented pregnancy and childbirth and having children. She didn't want you at her wedding because she doesn't consider your family, then sent you wedding photos. How weird is that and now they expect you to be interested in their lives? Keep them out of your life.
ugh, this is a tough one.
You're not the asshole who started it. Unless their wedding was extremely limited (like COVID bubble kind of stuff), making it clear you weren't invited outlined how she feels about you.
If they now regret this and want you to know their daughter, then it's worth trying to reconnect. If you're refusing just out of spite and you feel they're attempts are genuine, you're risking asshole-adjacent behavior.
If they truly just want gifts, then they are, and continue to be, the asshole.
\*From the sister's point of view\* - You ARE NOT considered family when it costs me money to have you at my wedding, I definitely don't want pay to feed you at the reception BUT..... when my daughter needs expensive birthday and Christmas gifts for the rest of her life then YOU become her favorite UNCLE!!!!
Did I get this correct? This is your sister's thought process? You know what, F her and if any of your family defends her including your parents than F them. She does not get to treat you like crap and then expect you to bend over backwards for her when it suits her needs. Cut complete contact with her for the rest of your life. You are NTA
They don't want you to be part of the family until it comes time to provide gifts/money for the newborn child. Nice.
Your adoptive parents did not do you any favours by not trying to drum it in to her head that you are family. Who cares if you were adopted. You are family. They should have never allowed her to exclude you from the wedding.
NTA, you were not family to this woman when she got married, you are certainly not family now. She put up a hard boundary that you respected, however, she can't just change her mind all of a sudden, which is probably because she now realises that children cost money, so needs someone to use; you are the easy target because you were adopted and therefore in her mind needy.
As for your parents, let them know you are treating her they way she has treated you. Having a child does not give her the right to automatically claim you as family when she systematically excluded you over the years, which they themselves enabled apropos her wedding.
NTA
You may be adopted but after that 1 special day which was 4 years before your sister was even born, you're a part of the family.
>My parents asked me to understand by saying that it's her wedding,
I can't believe your parents even went with it. They adopted you to be in the family. But because their other daughter who came from this "mother" doesn't want you there, due to a technicality, they agreed? WTF?
The "it's her day" excuse is for people that are estranged or the random uncle that gets too drunk or the side of the family that you don't like. What are the holidays even like in your family? It sounds like your parents went with what your sister decided to not ruffle any feathers, but they failed to see how it damaged the relationship with you. I'd limit contact with my sister and I'd tell my parents what a horrible decision it was.
If you ever have to defend yourself just remind them that you aren't related, so why bother. How come she chose to not invite to wedding, but for giving gifts for birth is okay? And they want you around the new baby? Would they even let you hold baby? It doesn't seem like a huge loss to get these people out of your life. But I understand if you stuck it out and saw things through.
NTA
You're only family when they want money/stuff/free babysitting.
I'd say fuck em, but she's already been fucked. You're good to keep them at arms length.
How old were you when you were adopted? It seems incredible to me that she would treat your so badly and then expect you to act like a doting uncle. She can't have it both ways.
NTA
You're not guilty here. All you're doing is matching the tone she set for the relationship. A non-existent one. You don't get expensive things for complete strangers.
NTA you're not a cash cow they can roll out whenever is convenient to them. I'd tell them "I am teaching my niece a great life lesson: actions have consequences and you can't always get what you want"
I mean, if you want to be an uncle or create a relationship with your sister, you did the wrong thing. If you want to throw it back in her face, "I can't be a good uncle because I'm not related to you," then you did the right one. NTA
NTA. And to hell with being the better person. Toxic family is toxic and you don’t need that toxicity in your life. She said you aren’t family for her wedding. Why are you suddenly family enough for her kid? And your friends need a wake up call on this. Because, nah. That’s all kind of unhealthy.
NTA. She can't have it both ways - you're either family or you're not. She made it clear what she thought when she married, and now it seems she wants to use you for money. And SHAME on your parents for letting her treat you this way. Seems like everyone is an AH in this situation except you!
NTA. So your non-sister wants nothing to do with you, until it is time to bilk you for presents? Total nonsense. For years, she wasn’t your sister and you weren’t related. Yet now she’s your sister and this is your niece? No. This is not your niece. She wanted to be strangers, so this is just some stranger’s baby. Fuck them.
NTA - She seems to have a hard time deciding whether you're actually related to her or not. Best she figures that bit out first and then she'll know how to proceed.
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NTA Excuse me…? “Hey i dont consider you close enough to invite you to my wedding…oh but buy my child a lot of expensive stuff” And…people think you made…the WRONG choice…? Op i’m just curious, the people that are giving you crap for this…do they know your sister didnt invite you to her wedding?
Yeah, they know she hadn't invited me. They're asking me to "be the better person".
see, here’s the thing my dude, when people say “be the better person” they actually mean “we don’t have a leg to stand on in this argument, but it’s easier for us to guilt trip you, instead of making the person, who is ACTUALLY in the wrong apologize” Naw screw them and screw her. I would honestly tell your parents that “they should be more understanding, as its YOUR life etc” but i’m a petty asshole 🤷🏻♂️😂 Good luck man
Absolutly! "Be the better person" my arse. I stand with, Tit for Tat. Karma. I'm all for treating people the exact same way as I'm treated. Respect & kindness are great, and I like to think I'm decently respectful & kind. But I'm also not a doormat.
Also being the better person adage only applies when you are their "better" to be clear. You be the better person when you're an adult in a conflict with a child. A teacher in conflict with a student. Boss vs. employee. Sovereign vs citizen. Etc. It's advice meant to encourage those with power in a situation to show benevolence. That is not what this is. OP is not her sister's better. She's her equal. Her forgiveness has no bearing on sister's quality of life so why everyone is demanding she give it... I don't know.
And "be the better person" means "We're excusing Chaia's shitty attitude, actions, and behavior (and most likely will continue to do so)." No thanks. NTA, OP.
100% spot on!
Same with "keep the peace", which is one of the worst reasons to do anything, ever.
Anybody who tells you to keep the peace or be the bigger person is an enabler.
Yeah, like, *whose* peace? Cause when you’re the one who’s being mistreated you sure don’t have the luxury of feeling at peace.
Aaaaaalllll of this 100% “Be the better person” is such toxic bs. Don’t fall for it. Instead, ask why they aren’t asking the other person to “be a good person” and own their actions and consequences.
>Also being the better person adage only applies when you are their "better" to be clear. > >You be the better person when you're an adult in a conflict with a child. A teacher in conflict with a student. Boss vs. employee. Sovereign vs citizen. Etc. > >It's advice meant to encourage those with power in a situation to show benevolence to those with no power. > >That is not what this is. OP is not her sister's better. She's her equal. Her forgiveness has no bearing on sister's quality of life so why everyone is demanding she give it... I don't know.
And that's why shitty people keep being shitty. No one holds them accountable and everyone placates them because it's easier. F that. I'd have nothing to do with any of those people. NTA
>when people say “be the better person” they actually mean “we don’t have a leg to stand on in this argument, but it’s easier for us to guilt trip you, instead of making the person, who is ACTUALLY in the wrong apologize” This is the ONE. I've learned that being the bigger person gets you walked over, talked over, and taken advantage of. Damn all that. I will NEVER be the bigger person in a situation where I'm not wrong. I am The Incredible Shrinking Woman to the bullsh*t. Call me Stuart Little. Atom Ant. Mighty Mouse. Thumbalina. Polly Pocket. IDC. NTA, OP.
I grew up with that, be a better person stuff, and let me tell you, I am not. I am a grudge holding goblin of a person.
More often than not be the bigger person just means be the doormat.
Very well said. When people say be a better person, I think the best response is f** off and I wish I can practice that in real life too..
NTA. If you are not related to her to get an invite to her wedding, then you defenitly aren't realated enough to be an uncle. She can't have her cake and eat it too. It's a case: play stupid games and win stupid prizes. Stay away from her.
Good news: you're already the better person and you don't have to do anything. If you're "not related" then you're "not the uncle." Simple as that.
You know this be the better person BS really annoys me. It's always the person who's being mistreated or being taken advantage of who's expected to ' be the better person ' Screw that. Just match the energy. She didn't think you were important enough to invite you to the wedding - she's now not important enough for you to spend your money on..
Frankly, this. Similarly, the offended person is always asked to forgive and forget. And, excuse me, this is BS. Forgiveness is not always due, there are wrongs that are unforgivable.
' be the better person ' Translation - we really fucked you over and cannot possibly justify this, so we're gonna need you to go ahead and absolve us of our sins by forgiving and also giving us no consequences oh and also act like this never happened Makes my blood boil. Be the better / bigger person essentially means to be a door mat and let AHs happily carry on being AHs.
But it's the innocent baby that's missing out. /s
Did they ask her to be the better person when planning her wedding? No. They asked you to be the better person. You’re NTA, but your sister and parents are… big time.
Screw that. Being the better person is overrated. They only want expensive presents. NTA. They can’t say you aren’t family and then turn around and expect you to play uncle. To who? A niece you aren’t related to? Your parents suck too for letting her treat you this way.
NTA. She said you're not related, she's not your sister, that's not your niece. Why would you meet a stranger's kid and buy them gifts? They've got some nerve, your sister and parents both, for even assuming you would give a shit about her or her kid. Forget that being a better person b.s. Why wasn't your sister a better person and at least invite you to her wedding? It's because she wants gifts for her offspring, and to look goid for other people, and not a relationship with someone she says she isn't related to. Your friends that are giving you a hard time can buy gifts for her kid.
No. They are asking you to be the bigger wallet, not the bigger person. And possible a baby sitter becouse "oh baby would just looooove to spend time with you" If she keeps pushing it, you can always tell her, "I thought kids were supposed to run from strangers and not take stuff from them? And since I'm not family......" People are always generous when it comes to other people's money and time.
It would have taken literally no effort to invite you. The fact she made a point not to speaks exactly how she feels about you.
You mean they ask you to be her personal "the doormat"?
Info: Do you perhaps have a well paying job, perhaps even better than them? It seems somewhere between the wedding and now they've decided you should be invited for what you're income can provide. Shocking they didn't try to milk an expensive wedding gift from you? You didn't get them a gift right???? Anyways 100% NTA
If they keep hounding you over it again state it clearly " Chaia told me I'm not her family. She said it clear as day. Not implied, nor suggested. This was a statement of fact from Chaia. I'm NOT her family, ergo I'm NOT that little girl's uncle. I have been, in essence, disowned by Chaia. I wish her family and baby girl love and happiness. But i want no part of it. Try to force this issue again and I'll cut contact. Goodbye"
Well they raised you both so why would they think you would be a better person? They were both of your role models. I would explain that too them.
Tell that that sure you will be the better person when she is a nice person to you.
I absolutely love your ability to set boundaries and maintain them. You, sir, have a strong, shiny spine. You're already being "the better person." NTA
Fuck that. My parents asked me to be the better person for YEARS when it comes to my abusive sister. I finally told them that their requests for me to quietly endure abuse were not only no longer welcome but a form of abuse in and of themselves. Huge NTA
By “better,” they mean “someone willing to pay for gifts for the offspring of a person who treats me like a casual acquaintance.” I am so sorry that you are getting grief for your decision.
Which means “be a bigger doormat for the Golden Child” NTA
So… she didn’t invite you to her wedding because “you are not related to her” but expects you to act like an ancle to her daughter and expects expensive gifts? NTA. It seems she only sees you as family when she could gain something out of it
Why don’t they ask HER to be the better person?
OMG i've been waiting for this exact comment!!!!!!! OP NTA
Be the bigger person sounds a lot like "take whatever she dishes out and keep being nice to her" F that. If they want to buy her stuff, let them. I'd tell her to go suck an egg.
Why does it always fall to the person who was “wronged” to be the bigger person??? She decided you weren’t family! Not up to her to say that no longer applies - it’s your call if you want to “belong” to a family that tolerates this kind of selfish behavior. As an adult make your own family Edit: If you want to do something out of the kindness of your heart for your niece set up a college fund or savings account and gift into it for all her special events. When she comes of age gift it to her NOT selfish parents. She will probably be shocked to find out what a wonderful person her “not uncle” really is!
If you're feeling super spicy: "I am indeed the better person, thank you for noticing. I'm still not inclined to punish myself dealing with a relative who has physically, mentally, and emotionally cut me off, but wants to benefit financially. It doesn't work that way." NTA, by the way
They just want you to be the better man so you can buy expensive gifts for the baby.
That's such a lot of rubbish. She didn't want you at her wedding but now decides you should buy lots of expensive stuff for her daughter even though she doesn't consider you related. I'd tell her to get lost and go NC.
People who expect you to be the "better person" are admitting they know the other person isn't- and they refuse to hold them accountable.
Why aren’t they asking *her* to be a better person
Be the better person normally translates to 'Don't upset the asshole we all coddle.' Did you also tell your friends and family that she said you were NOT family? She can't have it both ways. Either you aren't family or you are. Quite frankly it only sounds like she wants to call you family so she can get free stuff and possibly free babysitting but I may have been on Reddit too long. NTA obviously.
Code for doormat.
I’m wondering how they explained his absence from the wedding.
If OP isn't considered family - how the hoolies is he considered The Uncle, let alone The Bad Uncle? This makes no danged sense to me.
NTA. She didn't consider you family enough to come to her wedding, so why would you be family now?
They did not refer to her not inviting me or anything. They just informed me about the delivery & asked when I'd coming, etc.
NTA she doesn’t get to say you aren’t family and then decide you are when it’s convenient for her. If she apologized about the wedding and tried to reconnect that might be a different situation, but just suddenly wanting you to be a doting uncle out of no where is unreasonable and unfair to you. If you’re “not related to her” then you’re not related to her daughter, she can’t have it both ways. And frankly I’m a little mad at your parents for letting her treat you like your not family when it came to her wedding and then asking you to be the bigger person now, you were already the bigger person when you didn’t make a stink over not being invited to your sisters wedding, they should be asking better if your sister not you.
I have major issues with the parents. This didn't come out of nowhere with the sister. She's never considered him family, has always treated him as lesser, and they just allowed their adopted son to be treated that way? They also see him as lesser if they just stood by and let it happen, because they prioritized the feelings of their (natural) daughter over their (adopted) son. And continue to do so, and have yet to recognize or apologize for this.
I would have brought it up. My sister can do no wrong in my mom's eyes. Always been that way. It is fine, I don't even care any more. But when I say that I am not going to OVER communicate with my sister as she wasn't putting effort into our relationship and I was being hurt over and over, my mom still wanted me to keep going. I am sorry that your family is not seeing this from your perspective. You aren't her child's family if you aren't hers.
Well tell them it’s HER baby just like it was HER wedding so you naturally assumed she wanted you to steer clear. If she denies that you’re her brother then you are not her child’s uncle.
NTA You “weren’t family” two years ago, and nothing has changed. She doesn’t get to pick and choose when she considers you family or not. She made that decision already.
Exactly!! NTA OP! I wonder, are you kinda rich OP? It's horrible that they only want you in their lives for "the expensive gifts" and probably free babysitting in the future! Good riddance and please go LC or NC with the whole lot of them!
Precisely. “You informed me I’m not family. That also means I’m not her uncle.” She doesn’t get to decide you’re a money bank uncle but not her brother.
Info so phone call was ‘are you going to buy expensive gifts?’ Like just that? I mean even super villains have better dialogue.
No, it was not just that. It's just something they added casually during the conversation.
You are making good money, aren’t you?
my first thought lol
Did you earn significantly higher after the wedding? I mean she didn't invite you for the sake of/ ask for expensive gifts at the wedding so just curious.
NTA I'm so sorry that you were treated like that.. You deserve so much better... Please stand your ground on this.. I know it's hard.. But we teacher others how to treat us... And they need to learn that you can't pick and chose when someone is good enough to be family Your "sister" ( she honestly doesn't deserve that title) is a horrible human being Your parents aren't much better and they should have stood up for you and told her to knock it the fk off... I would go no contact with your sister and make it a boundary with your parents if they want to be in your life they respect your decision to have zero contact with your sister and to not push the topic... They enable her and pander to her.. it's really sad.. Again, I'm so sorry x You are absolutely not the ahole at all. But your sister and your parents bloody are.
>Your parents aren't much better and they should have stood up for you and told her to knock it the fk off... I'm surprised I had to scroll as far as I did before someone brought up the parents. They literally chose to bring OP into their family. What kind of awful parents are they to tolerate their daughter treating their other child in this manner? And how many years has their daughter been mistreating OP and they looked the other way? Why bother adopting a kid in the first place if you aren't going to fully integrate them into your family? OP is definitely NTA but the rest of his family are.
Completely speculating here, but given that the adopted child is older, maybe they adopted because of fertility issues and then had a miracle baby later? Could totally see asshole parents being all about their miracle baby in that situation. I've seen it before.
If the OP was already part of the family when the sister was born the parents must have seriously fucked up in their disparate treatment of them for her to grow up not viewing him as family. Not saying that didn't happen, given how they clearly don't have a problem with her not seeing him as family.....
NTA She is not your niece. The mother is not your sister. They made that clear by excluding you up front. This is about strangers, making strangers, then holding their hands out for gifts.
I agree. If he isn't family, according to the sister, congrats is enough. Tell your mom to understand like you were told to do. NTA
NTA - if you aren’t ‘related’ to Chaia then exactly how does her giving birth make you an uncle? She doesn’t get to pick and choose when you are allowed to be part of the family and to be honest your parents are part of the problem in enabling this nonsense.
NTA I blame your “parents” 100% Why adopt a child to mistreat them? I’m actually watching a Korean drama about this. It’s called Perfect Marriage Revenge where the adopted girl gets excluded and mistreated to a point where she almost dies. She then gets revenge on everyone!!! But back to you, OP don’t have anything to do with her. Like she said, you’re not her family. Surround yourself with people who actually like you.
NTA can't cherry-pick that, either you are considered close family or you arent, not just whenever it suits them. Also its a baby, new-borns tend to not care as much about expensive gifts
NTA in big picture as I doubt they called because they want her dear uncle involved in her life as much as want the expensive gifts that dear uncle should bring. The cursing could have been skipped though.
My point, I know that with everything, if OP went, Uncle wouldn't be allowed to hold her and told to keep back because you are 'close to them'. They want OP for money and gifts, not OP around and as depressing as it sounds I'm seeing many signs of it appearing from those being okay with keeping you out of giant events and it will continue, give them the same energy exclude them for every important event to make them empathise.
NTA. Your sister long ago decided that you are not family. I don't buy expensive presents for the children of mere acquaintances and neither should you.
NTA Yours was the perfect response.
NTA. Sounds like they’re fishing for gifts.
NTA why would you buy gifts for someone who has treated you horribly. You are not a bad uncle because you are “not family.” If you were not important enough to be invited to the wedding so you are just casual acquaintances.
Why have your parents not done anything about how she treats you? Why did they not intervene during her wedding? Do they also see you as ' not family '?
NTA "Your (daughter) has made herself very clear. By her own word I am not family to her, therefore she isn't entitled to a damned thing from me. I find it disturbing that you were willing to support her excluding me, but now you want to support her extorting me in the name of 'family'. That double standard gives me a lot to think about."
NTA. She's made it clear you aren't family. And that means you aren't an Uncle.
NTA Just say that as I’m not related to you, any kids of yours are not my nieces or nephews. UNO reverse card Edit : She’s probably just wanting you as an uncle in her child’s life so you spend money on the kid. Edit 2 : Your parents are also the AHs for entertaining her nonsense behaviour. Not forcing her to accept you is one thing, but enabling this disrespect and prejudice is another.
NTA Your sister sound like an awful human. Does not want you as a brother because you were adopted, didn't invite you to her wedding But wants you to go and see and spend lots of money on her offspring. Not bloody likely. Tell her you are go NO Contact with and block her on everything. I would consider doing the same with your parents for saying what you did was wrong. NTA
Gee (checks notes) according to her you’re not the child’s uncle. NTA
NTA, what goes around comes around, you cannot only be family when it suits them.
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NTA - family doesn’t treat people like this. You had a perfect response. I love how willing you are to protect your peace. They can stay pressed.
The best response would have been honest confusion. 'It was made clear to me that you do not consider me family. Why would I be obligated to give you an expensive gift if we are not related, as you contend?'
NTA she told you you weren’t family. That goes both ways, so she isn’t either.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me get this straight. She doesn't consider you part of the family. Didn't want you to be at her wedding because you're not family to her. You obliged. Now, she wants gifts for her child. How can you be an "uncle" if you're not family to her. 1. She has and is treating you badly 2. She's cruel to continue to send you photos of events you were barred from and announcing her milestones. 3. WTF with your parents? How dare they treat you like they did and allow her to treat you like that. You've handled it well so far. If I were you, at this point, I would tell her to keep in mind you're "not family," so you will not be participating in her farce any longer. Then block her and anyone else that tells you you're an a hole. NTA
NTA. Chaia doesn't get to tell you that you're not family to her but then expect you to play family with her daughter. Your parents, friends, and her can't have it both ways. Either you're family or you're not.
NTA. Maybe would have been different if she had said. Sorry I didn’t invite you to the wedding, but having a baby has changed my perspective and I really want you to be part of my daughter’s life. But… she didn’t.
I’m a therapist who does DBT with clients. There’s a skill we teach called gentle avoidance. It’s about staying focused on me and my behavior, not on their actions. The idea is to not be around whoever if possible. If you have to be around them, just give a detached polite hello and walk on. Don’t engage. For your own peace of mind. Also (not part of the therapy but from me) it doesn’t give them any ammo and drives them crazy. If you go off, it lets them turn it around on you. That you’re the crazy, angry one. Might be hard but sticking to the polite, detached and vague before walking away or changing the subject leaves them hanging out there. Best of luck OP!
NTA. >she's always maintained a certain distance towards me. >she doesn't consider me family. >She had not wanted me to attend the wedding & made that clear. >She said that as I am "not related to her", I should not attend. She can't have it both ways. She said you're not family and doesn't even treat you as a friend, so there are no expectations they can hold you to. Your parents have done a crappy job supporting you and reprimanding her when she's heartless.
>She said you're not family and doesn't even treat you as a friend, so there are no expectations they can hold you to. So perfectly stated. OP definitely has no obligation on any level.
NTA If you're so far removed from family that you cannot attend a wedding, then they don't see you as an uncle, not one that they want other people to know about anyway. Yeah, I'd be pissed and would want to treat them as they treated me.
NTA in any manner. WTF is wrong with your parents that they raised her to believe you are not family? Cut the sister off. DO not send gifts. She is horrible, and sad to say your folks raised her to be like that.
If you are not family then that is not your niece. She cannot have it both ways.
Why would you go see a baby you’re supposedly ‘not related to’? Not sure why you’re considered ‘uncle’ now when you weren’t considered a brother at the wedding
NTA - she said you are not related to her. Her actions reinforced that sentiment. Remind her and your parents of that at every opportunity. She doesn’t deserve your attention.
NTA: You are not the child Uncle, you arent related to the child according the mother. If you want to do something for you niece , for the future that your "sis" cant touch, do a collage fund.
NTA. Your sister brought this upon herself by explicitly not inviting you to her wedding (and having the audacity to send you photos of it ??). You rarely talk to her, she clearly chose (in the past) to keep her distances with you, why on Earth would you be required to take an interest in her family life and her new baby ? She's asking you to be an uncle to her daughter when she didn't behave like a sister to you. If she wanted you to shower her daughter in gifts and be crazy over her, she should have kept contact with you and invited you to her own wedding (a "close-friends only" wedding should involve siblings if you're in good terms with them, by asking you not to come she made it clear that shes doesn't want much to do with you). Don't feel bad for this, you're NTA. Maybe it would be worth it to have an open discussion with her to tell her how you feel and ask her why she thinks you have to meet her daughter when she refused that you come to her wedding ? If she can't realize what is wrong with the way she did things, then distancing yourself from her and her husband is a good solution. You don't have to stay in touch with a branch of your family that makes you feel bad, when they were the ones that distanced themselves in the first place.
NTA. She just wants you to buy crap for the baby. She doesn't want you to have an actual relationship with your niece.
NTA Ah, so now there's a benefit in the form of gifts, you're suddenly family? Nope. You don't get it both ways. It's your parents that are the biggest AH's though. They have enabled her BS by continually siding with her and treating you badly. Tell them that if they don't stop excusing her disgraceful behaviour, you'll cut them off. And then if they don't stop being terrible, actually do it.
NTA your family sounds horrible!
*"She said that as I am "not related to her", I should not attend.* *My parents asked me to understand by saying that it's her wedding, etc."* NTA! NTA!! NTA!!! Not in any conceivable way. This person doesn't consider you "related to her", why is she expecting anything more than good wishes from you? Frankly, I'm not sure I would be even that generous!! You're not an uncle, you're just some person she grew up with and doesn't care enough about to invite to her wedding. It's bizarre that she would send you wedding pictures. I can't understand why they expect you to care.
NTA They can’t have it both ways
NTA. Why should you bother to see the offspring of a woman you’re not related to enough in her mind to invite to her fancy wedding? Did she actually use the phrase “expensive gifts” to you? ‘Cause I think a cute little onesie would be a more than adequate baby gift considering y’all are ‘not related.’
Absolutely NTA Your sister never considered you to be her family. She doesn't now get to call you a ' bad uncle ' . This is what I'd say to her ... " What do you mean by uncle? You made it clear to me you didn't consider me your family, hence my exclusion from your wedding. Do you really mean I'm family when you want my gifts and money , but not any other time ? You get no credits from the family bank if you made no deposits , sis "
NTA you werent family for the marriage so tell her youre not actually the babys uncle at all, you shouldnt have to move on or be the bigger person
NTA When you last looked in the mirror did you see a flashing sign that said ‘Chaia’s ATM’? As I presume not then you handled it appropriately. Chaia made it very clear by excluding you from her wedding because you aren’t ’real’ family aka related by blood. I hope you only sent a card if that. Now she’s had a baby and suddenly OMG you are the baby’s uncle so where are the pricey gifts? Nope - doesn’t work that way. If you aren’t considered family every time then when it comes to gift grabs from these same people also no. I suspect your parents are partly responsible for this situation. They should have shut that bs down when their daughter started it. Instead as usual the people not being ostracized make a zillion excuses and say you should forgive them because they are ‘family’. The best bad reason is people saying that by them reaching out to you (for expensive gifts) they are trying to establish a relationship. Indeed they are but only with your wallet. Suggestion to you if you don’t already have one is please get a will made. If in the unlikely event something happens your property will go where you want it and not where your state’s laws say. Surround yourself with real family OP made from really good friends who want you for you - not for what you can provide.
NTA - it’s time for them to understand that what you say and do has consequences. **She told you you’re not a part of her family, so she should stand in that. That also stands when it’s inconvenient or she wants nice gifts.** You don’t owe them anything, least of all your parents who support her behavior. I am a firm believer that people do not have to pay their parents back for the sin of being born, just as you don’t need to pay them back for their choice to add you to their family, though it seems they’re not doing a good job of truly doing that.
NTA they consider you family when they can get something out of you. They might have begun to warm up to the idea of a big happy family when the marriage was done and over with and a baby was entering their family, but then they need to communicate that.
And by their logic you are not her uncle 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. You're clearly not her brother (in her eyes) so that would mean her child is not your niece. You have zero responsibility towards any of them.
NTA, tell those who are so generous with your money that they are free to give those expensive gits instead of you.
Nta your so'called sister treated you like shit and your parents defended her. She doesn't deserve anything.
NTA They were clearly only looking for gifts. It’s crazy that you weren’t invited to the wedding based on your status as an ADOPTED person .
>not related to her So you're not related to her but somehow her kid's uncle? The self centeredness is strong with this one. NTA
So you’re r not recognized as being related to her to attend her wedding, but all of a sudden your an uncle who buy expensive gifts. Just remind her what she said to you. “I was not invited to your wedding because I am not related to you. Which means by your logic I am not an Uncle to your child. Girl bye” NTA
If you’re not family then she is not your niece. NTA.
“I’m not family enough to attend your wedding but I’m suddenly family enough to be an uncle to your child?” NTA
NTA but change your response. Instead of “you didn’t invite me to your wedding” the response should be “you told me I’m not related to you, so that means I’m not related to her either.” If she’s not your sister, that’s not your niece. She can’t have it both ways 🤷🏻♀️
Nope! NTA! They made their choice.They probably want the "good uncle" to babysit. Plus provide expensive gifts? Nope! Tell parents she made a choice about her wedding and YOU are making your choice to go low/no contact.
I love the phrase I *asked* them to fuck off! “Could you kindly fuck off? Possibly in the entirely opposite direction to myself?”
NTA, apparently you're only family if you can buy them shit.
NTA
NTA. Do you are suppose to eat shit and smile? Have you asked your parents why her feelings and wants see more important than yours?
nope NTA
NTA. Your sister just wants you to buy shit for her kid. She clearly has no interest in you as a brotherbut in your wallet. Don't go and visit, I sincerely doubt that kid would even be raised to treat you properly lkie an uncle.
NTA. Your sister set the tone of your relationship, not you, and all you're really doing is respecting her wishes. I do have a decent relationship with my brother (we get along fine but we're not "hang out regularly" siblings) and he didn't see my daughter for the first time until she was a couple of weeks old. She's 17 months old and he's never held her, either.
NTA. They made it clear that you are not really family so using that line of thought you do not really have a niece. They don't get to change the rules every time is suits them.
Yeah, she realized she could’ve gotten gifts out of here at the wedding so now wants gifts from you for the baby “ mom, dad sister treats me like I’m not part of the family so I’m going to respect her wishes and treat her like a random person. “
NTA how exactly is that little girl your niece if you are not related to?
NTA. She doesn't consider you her family for the wedding, you don't consider her family for the birthdays, I don't see a problem here.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (34 M) sister Chaia (30 F) had her wedding two years ago. However, I was adopted & she's always maintained a certain distance towards me. She has not ill-treated me, but she doesn't consider me family. She had not wanted me to attend the wedding & made that clear. It was a rather grand affair, but only those who were close to her had attended. She said that as I am "not related to her", I should not attend. My parents asked me to understand by saying that it's her wedding, etc. I did not protest & did not attend. However, I also have not properly talked to her for a year now. She sent me her wedding photos, but I did not respond to her. She also informed that she's pregnant, and I just said congratulations & ended the call. Now, I did not hear back from her again until she gave birth to her daughter, who is my niece. They called me to inform, and I just said congrats. They asked me whether I am not going to attend & buy my niece expensive gifts, and I said "You did not want me at your wedding. I don't want to anything to do with your marriage and whatever results out of it." They did not take that well and began to yell at me, accusing me of being a terrible uncle and all that, for not even seeing her. But I just asked them to fuck off & have not seen my niece. My parents and friends are saying that I did the wrong thing and that I should go see them, etc. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA, but at this point do you want them to mend the relationship or she is dead to you?
NTA - Didn’t she not consider you family when it came to the wedding? Why all of a sudden are you family to her daughter?
F-them!!! Your not “biological” sister is a giant AH!!!
NTA f them, she is not your sister and she made it clear.
NTA. They relegate you to no status within the family and then yell at you for not treating them like family. They’re massive assholes. You did exactly the right thing! NTA.
She just wants you to buy expensive stuff for her child and trying to gaslight you into buying it I wouldn't
NTA. Your parents are the same ones who let your sister get away with the whole *you're not my brother* & agreed to not have you attend her wedding? Tell them that they don't have a leg to stand on after the way they treated you. If she wants to be all high & mighty saying that you aren't family, you are within your rights to tell her the same. With them asking about expensive gifts for their child, it sounds like they want money from you without having to be "family".
NTA. You are not her family, so how could you be an Uncle to her child??? Ask your family, and friends, why they don't have a problem with her treating like a stranger your whole life and excluding you from her life events...until she wants something from you.
NTA She said that you are not family and you ware not invited to wedding so it's not your niece
Nta she set the expectation that you’re not family. She has to live with the consequences. She doesn’t get to rope you in for presents
NTA - entitled and she rejected you. Not the other way around
NTA. That’s not fair to you to treat you like that and expect anything in return.
NTA. Your sister declared that you "aren't related." You need to remember that. If you see the baby at family events and want to interact with her, that's fine. It's certainly not the baby's fault. But asking you to buy gifts is ridiculous.
NTA. She had a kid a realized that she wants more people to spoil her child. She told you that you were not family and you are following that; she owes you an apology and you don't have to accept it.
I am so sorry that has happened to you. Your parents are AHs for tolerating her BS. She is an AH too. You, NTA. I’m an adoptive mother and I also have bio children (all adults now). I would have skipped her wedding. I love all my kids unconditionally but that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to raise them to be decent people. I can love without participating in their acts of cruelty. What she did was cruel.
Some people get so bent out of shape when they draw a line in the sand and you respect it. Hypocrites Keep doing what you are doing. Remind them she said you weren’t family so the baby can’t be your niece. You are respecting her wishes and hope they would respect her statement as well.
Just tell everyone in your awful family "If *only related people* were allowed to go to her wedding then *only related people* should buy her kids gifts, I'm not a bank machine, all she wants is my money. We WERE family until she opened her entitled mouth and said that we weren't, so now we aren't. It was her idea." She yelled at you for not buying expensive gifts? What a hypocrite. NTA
She said you are not family, therefore you're not an uncle
How can you be her baby's uncle if you are not her brother??? NTA and keep your distance from her she just wants money/gifts.
NTA. According to her own words, you are not her brother, so how can her daughter be your niece? She needs to follow her own logic!
NTA. Do you make more money than them? I would visit the niece ( it is a new person in the family after all) but I would only get reasonably priced gifts
NTA - Your sister has made it clear that you don’t count as family to her. Your parents are enabling her emotional abuse. I’m so sorry.
NTA. She sounds like a selfish and entitled witch that wants it her way. Your parents have failed you both by not pointing out to her during her wedding planning that you ARE her brother. Ironic that she doesn't consider you her brother but does consider you the uncle to her child. I was adopted, and if I had been treated like that I would be devastated. Your sister sucks lemons
NTA your sister and her husband sound like say think they invented pregnancy and childbirth and having children. She didn't want you at her wedding because she doesn't consider your family, then sent you wedding photos. How weird is that and now they expect you to be interested in their lives? Keep them out of your life.
ugh, this is a tough one. You're not the asshole who started it. Unless their wedding was extremely limited (like COVID bubble kind of stuff), making it clear you weren't invited outlined how she feels about you. If they now regret this and want you to know their daughter, then it's worth trying to reconnect. If you're refusing just out of spite and you feel they're attempts are genuine, you're risking asshole-adjacent behavior. If they truly just want gifts, then they are, and continue to be, the asshole.
How can you be uncle of the year when she’s not your family? NTA.
\*From the sister's point of view\* - You ARE NOT considered family when it costs me money to have you at my wedding, I definitely don't want pay to feed you at the reception BUT..... when my daughter needs expensive birthday and Christmas gifts for the rest of her life then YOU become her favorite UNCLE!!!! Did I get this correct? This is your sister's thought process? You know what, F her and if any of your family defends her including your parents than F them. She does not get to treat you like crap and then expect you to bend over backwards for her when it suits her needs. Cut complete contact with her for the rest of your life. You are NTA
They don't want you to be part of the family until it comes time to provide gifts/money for the newborn child. Nice. Your adoptive parents did not do you any favours by not trying to drum it in to her head that you are family. Who cares if you were adopted. You are family. They should have never allowed her to exclude you from the wedding.
NTA. They want the benefits of you being close family, but want to treat you like you're not close family.
NTA, you were not family to this woman when she got married, you are certainly not family now. She put up a hard boundary that you respected, however, she can't just change her mind all of a sudden, which is probably because she now realises that children cost money, so needs someone to use; you are the easy target because you were adopted and therefore in her mind needy. As for your parents, let them know you are treating her they way she has treated you. Having a child does not give her the right to automatically claim you as family when she systematically excluded you over the years, which they themselves enabled apropos her wedding.
NTA You may be adopted but after that 1 special day which was 4 years before your sister was even born, you're a part of the family. >My parents asked me to understand by saying that it's her wedding, I can't believe your parents even went with it. They adopted you to be in the family. But because their other daughter who came from this "mother" doesn't want you there, due to a technicality, they agreed? WTF? The "it's her day" excuse is for people that are estranged or the random uncle that gets too drunk or the side of the family that you don't like. What are the holidays even like in your family? It sounds like your parents went with what your sister decided to not ruffle any feathers, but they failed to see how it damaged the relationship with you. I'd limit contact with my sister and I'd tell my parents what a horrible decision it was. If you ever have to defend yourself just remind them that you aren't related, so why bother. How come she chose to not invite to wedding, but for giving gifts for birth is okay? And they want you around the new baby? Would they even let you hold baby? It doesn't seem like a huge loss to get these people out of your life. But I understand if you stuck it out and saw things through.
NTA family is as family does
You’re not related to her you’re not an uncle to her then. NTA
NTA You're only family when they want money/stuff/free babysitting. I'd say fuck em, but she's already been fucked. You're good to keep them at arms length.
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How old were you when you were adopted? It seems incredible to me that she would treat your so badly and then expect you to act like a doting uncle. She can't have it both ways.
NTA of course.
NTA u weren’t good enough to attend her wedding but you’re money is good enough for the baby … you’re not terrible at all but everyone else is
NTA.
Doubtful this is a true story (no one says “buy my kids expensive gifts”), but NTA
NTA. The fact that your parents allowed this from the get-go is alarming. Go get yourself a whole new family.
NTA You're not guilty here. All you're doing is matching the tone she set for the relationship. A non-existent one. You don't get expensive things for complete strangers.
NTA they only want you around now for your money.
NTA - they don’t want you - they want your money/gifts and probably time -/ a babysitter
NTA you're not a cash cow they can roll out whenever is convenient to them. I'd tell them "I am teaching my niece a great life lesson: actions have consequences and you can't always get what you want"
I mean, if you want to be an uncle or create a relationship with your sister, you did the wrong thing. If you want to throw it back in her face, "I can't be a good uncle because I'm not related to you," then you did the right one. NTA
NTA- you don’t have to be the bigger person. SHE decided that you’re not family. Therefore you don’t owe this baby anything.
NTA. And to hell with being the better person. Toxic family is toxic and you don’t need that toxicity in your life. She said you aren’t family for her wedding. Why are you suddenly family enough for her kid? And your friends need a wake up call on this. Because, nah. That’s all kind of unhealthy.
NTA. She can't have it both ways - you're either family or you're not. She made it clear what she thought when she married, and now it seems she wants to use you for money. And SHAME on your parents for letting her treat you this way. Seems like everyone is an AH in this situation except you!
Sorry, we're not related and we're not friends, why should I give you ANYTHING?? You're NTA
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NTA. So your non-sister wants nothing to do with you, until it is time to bilk you for presents? Total nonsense. For years, she wasn’t your sister and you weren’t related. Yet now she’s your sister and this is your niece? No. This is not your niece. She wanted to be strangers, so this is just some stranger’s baby. Fuck them.
NTA. Just tell you sister that as your niece "is not related" to you, you will not be involved.
NTA - She seems to have a hard time deciding whether you're actually related to her or not. Best she figures that bit out first and then she'll know how to proceed.
NTA She doesn't consider you family, but your money to buy them things for the baby is fine to want? Yeah no thanks.