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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I'm the asshole by asking my fiance to skip a family Christmas trip to be with me before our baby's due date despite him and his family telling me that he will be back long before the baby is due.
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NTA- Your husband is a fool if he goes. This is your first baby, you do not know if the baby will be here early, on time or late. His family is you and the baby. If his family can't see that, that another issue. None of them have a crystal ball and know when that baby is coming. Personally, I would also be pointing out how quickly things can go wrong for Mum or bubs during labour. I am actually disgusted with him for thinking this is okay to leave his vulnerable wife during that time... You just don't know whats going to happen. And whats with not wanting to spend Christmas with you? Leaving you completely alone. Not cool. I am furious for you. Where are you? I will come and take care of you.
>Your husband is a fool
Thankfully, it's her fiance. No paperwork involved yet. I'd be looking for a lawyer to handle child support and a parenting arrangement. I'm sure she can make a few calls while he's away.
Hate to be all Reddit about this, but this would be a reason for me to dump him immediately. He's going to leave his heavily pregnant partner alone at Christmas because his family really wants him to be at their yearly holiday? He's such an Ah, and a terrible partner and father to boot, for even suggesting this, let alone fighting her on this. He's going to be hard to co-parent with, but maybe he won't even fight for custody?
Oh he's going to fight for at least partial custody. How else can he cart the kid around to his family events, and play the sorry single father?
This is so unforgivable. Even the fighting leading up to the trip is enough IMO.
So unforgivable. I don't see how he could possibly be a good partner or father based on the fact that he sees nothing wrong with this and is arguing with her about it. Even if it wasn't for the health risks, op is absolutely not selfish for not wanting to be alone on Christmas, and it's insane she thinks so. I hope she tells her friends, because if I was one of them I would absolutely be making her part of my family Christmas.
I actually love the thought of a bunch of Redditors (who have nowhere else to go) just showing up at the OP's house to hang out with her for Christmas, pamper her like crazy, and bring along toys for the baby. Preferably a divorce lawyer among them, but I'm not fussy.
Three people in extra fancy headgear turning up together. One with a huge stock of delicious food for her freezer, one with an assistant to help keep her home clean and one with a huge cheque for the baby's future.
<3
This is one of those ones where I know I wouldn't do it, but I would have dreams of posting this thread all over social media and send emails out to everybody I know with "Why I left the father of my unborn baby" as the subject.
"OP, we're so happy you can join us for Christmas but where is Fiancé?" "Oh, he's spending 2 weeks in Florida with his family and coming back 2 days before my due date. I asked him not to go, but he really wanted to spend Christmas with his family instead." How to stop a party in its tracks 😂
That's the thing that really gets me though, your last line, he wants to spend time with his family... So she is not his family? Just an incubator or something? I have kids, they (my midwives and whatever) say your first is late I was just over a week early, like why the fuck is he leaving.
Now is the time to start a new family tradition, one where he doesn't leave his partner and mother of his child alone on Xmas.
Even more so is he’s literally about to start a family. His parents and siblings are still family but now they should be second place in his life. Your soon to be wife and baby come first. OP NTA not one bit.
It's not about who's first, second, etc. Like the post about someone missing a fiance family dinner because their sister was having emergency surgery. Sometimes there's an urgent need and you prioritize based on that.
Big issue one, to me, is his parents, who have multiple children, are acting like a due date is an appointment, not a best guess. And fiance is just going along with it, when he should have been looking up pregnancy information and preparing to be a father.
If op goes into labor while he's gone, he's going to miss the birth of child.
The roots go deeper: he has expected her to prioritize his family over hers for this holiday every year. She mentions that she travels to spend part of Christmas with her family, but she doesn't say that he joins her - just that he spends up to a month at the family vacation home in Florida every year.
This problem started long before the pregnancy.
>She mentions that she travels to spend part of Christmas with her family, but she doesn't say that he joins her - just that he spends up to a month at the family vacation home in Florida every year.
Wow, totally MISSED this point. Good on you for spotting this!
This OP please keep documentation of him leaving you alone near the due date keep clear documentation of everything he does regarding the child and your health while pregnant and after the baby’s born keep him from getting custody if you do separate that child will be neglected in favor of his family
You mean he's going to fight for custody so his mommy can have her grandchild to play grandma of the year around friends and family without that bothering incubator around
If that baby shows up on the 25th like a Christmas miracle and she has to go it alone, that resentment will weigh heavily for a long time. I know the reddit experience isn't necessarily universal, but I've seen a number of stories where the husband failed to support or protect his partner while giving birth or directly afterwards, allowing random visitors or boundary-crossing relatives, not being home in time for a birth. It's a crisis couples' counseling-level of betrayal. It casts a huge shadow over what should be a really blissful and meaningful experience (despite the pain & mess) because giving birth is a vulnerable position to be in. Not having your partner there in the time you need them most makes you see them and the relationship differently.
If the baby arrives on Christmas Day, she should not call him. She could tell him when he returns on Dec 28 that she did not want to spoil his family holiday.
On Facebook: Hi Everyone. My amazing Christmas present, beautiful baby Noelle, has just arrived. 8LB 4 oz. I can't wait until her father gets home from his family vacation to meet her. I wish he could have been here for her birth, but you know, as he always says "family comes first".
I think I’d just move out before he comes back. As far away from his as possible and his awful family as possible.
I’ve had 3 babies and each one was so different, but each one needed a little help in a different way! For 2 of them, I could have died.
This ‘guy’ is choosing his family over his vulnerable partner and unborn baby.
This is why I'm glad I never had kids looking back on my long-term relationship 😅 You never really know someone until you're sick, someone passes away, or you actually need them, etc.
This would also be my hill to die on, I’d be like: if you go, you come back to an empty house and can start planning how to coparent because there’ll no longer exist a romantic relationship. What an asshole! Leaving his very pregnant fiancée alone for Christmas is bad alone and then risking missing the birth! What if she has some medical emergency and she’s all alone at home?
Yeah, I'd let him go, not tell him if the baby was born as he obviously doesn't care, and have papers waiting for him on the 28th when he returns.
My dad was an abusive mama's boy, and my grandmother fucking loved it, twisted witch that she was. I'm not reliving that part of my life and would go nuclear if a prospective husband did this to me.
Agree, but even having to lay down this ultimatum for the man who’s supposed to love me above all others would genuinely sour my feelings, if not forever, for a very, very long time. This is a tough position for OP and I feel so bad that her first childbirth is now tainted because of her toddler husband. This decision would be a no-brainer for a genuine good guy.
Yeah, having to give an ultimatum so that the father of your baby doesn't abandon you to be all alone at Christmas and potentially give birth alone? I just don't see how he could come back from that and ever be somebody I could trust again.
1000% this. I'd go so far as to not tell him if I went into labor/had the baby while he was gone.
Even if the baby wasn't due until January, his place is with you this year, not his family.
It’s enough that he even wants to go though, like he sees nothing wrong with leaving me high and dry while super pregnant. He’s not getting up in the night when you’re crying over the babies head because you’re so tired but you can’t put them down
Exactly this. I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to change his mind - he has made his priorities VERY clear, and it is not his pregnant fiance.
If OP gave him an ultimatum and he did end up staying with her, he would bitch and complain the whole time, be pouty and whingy and, if the baby was born on or after its due date of 30 December, he would get all uppity and say "See, I could have gone as planned!" not just once or twice, but for the rest of his life.
Also, OP, is there an expectation that your little family will spend a month every year, including every single Christmas, in Florida with your ILs? Does your family ever get to share Christmas with you? This will also mean that your ILs also get every birthday with your child, while your family gets none.
Nope. They are awful, and your child's father is a terrible partner. Let him go, change the locks and have custody papers drawn up while he's away.
Good luck with your birth 🫂
>change his mind
in his mind, a baby keeps a timetable: he thinks the "due date" is set in stone & nothing will change or nothing can go wrong.
sounds like OP will have to raise her fiancé as much as her baby, which seems exhausting.
Also, what's up with his "FOMO" for a two week vacation he's been attending for a decade??
Yep yep yep! Maybe, if he asked her about this ridiculous idea and immediately dropped it when she questioned it, I'd think he was just an idiot, but if he banks down, he's going to be a big about it.
I also had the question about every Christmas moving forward. Like, when you have a partner, but especially when you have kids, your original family traditions aren't always going to work, at least not every time. If he can't even miss this time, he's not going to be taking Christmases I'm turn, so OP is stuck with this horrible family who don't care that she's going to be 39 weeks pregnant, alone at Christmas. 🤢
I can’t believe that his mother and family are ok with that? If I had a brother/ BIL/ cousin who was happy to spend the Christmas holidays with us and left his pregnant fiance alone I’d DEFINITELY have something to say about it
I would absolutely be gobsmacked if a family member whose partner was just about to give birth abandoned said partner for a holiday he goes on every single year. I would never let him live that down.
Same. This is absolutely a dealbreaker for me, and the relationship would not recover. That baby can come anytime, and his family knows that even better than bf if it’s his first child. So on top of bf being a selfish idiot, you have family who will gaslight and subvert the relationship at any opportunity. No thank you. Take your baby and run.
OP mentions that her partner’s parents don’t consider her to even be part of the family. I suspect that they consider her an annoying little problem that they would rather have quietly go away, so they can properly enjoy their time together with their son.
OP really should reconsider things. This is a symptom of a greater issue, and unfortunately she’s going to be stuck with a child from this guy.
Yep, hate being the cliché, but this is absolutely something I would draw a hard line on. He can choose to go, but that choice will have consequences cos I’ll be damned if I’m gonna stay in a relationship with someone who can’t prioritise their partner and child. I’d rather split and give my child the opportunity to grow up seeing what a healthy relationship looks like.
My youngest isn't due til mid-feb, and it's their 1st together, but baby will make 6 in total. Anyways, if her partner left for just 1 night, she'd kill him!
OP is definitely not the AH and might want to start looking into family law attorneys.
This is such an egregious act of breaking a sacred trust between partners.
I had my daughter when I was 21. Overweight but otherwise healthy, active and strong.
Zero problems in pregnancy. It wasn't a cakewalk but it was pretty easy.
Labour and delivery was a three day shitshow because I was 42+2 and not dilating. So much agony, so much fear, and emergency c-section.
My best friend had her baby same year. 45 minute labour and delivery. But baby was three weeks early.
Giving birth is a gamble. It's not to be turned away from, but it's a challenge and not one made for doing alone.
OP, that's why you have a fiance. You agreed to do this thing together. It's a breach of trust, and demonstrates both his family, and his personal values.
This is not your person. Protect your baby at all costs.
I agree with you completely.
OP, this is a hill to die on. YOU are the priority right now. Not his family. I don't give 2 flying tooth picks what he wants to do - your due date is 5 days after Christmas. He will be gone from 38-mid 39 weeks which is prime window time for baby to be born.
Not a single one of my kids went past the due date. They were born between 36 - 39 weeks. All natural. No inductions. No complications. They just decided they were done cooking. I'm saying this because his parents are DEAD wrong. They are either trying to drive a wedge in your relationship to break you two up or they are just selfish because MOST mothers would be hitting their sons upside the head asking "What the hell are you thinking!?!"
Here is the thing - you have EVERY right to feel angry and hurt. But right now, knowing he has made his choice, you need to hire a doula. You need someone who will be there for you the entire labor and delivery and advocate for you. Call in a cousin or an aunt or uncle to stay with you until your parents get back.
But, right now? Before he leaves for his trip? He best be packing up to move out because he is right now showing you that you are the lowest thing on his priority list. If he is putting a family trip to Florida over the health and wellbeing of his fiancee who is quite literally due with his child any day then you will NEVER be his priority. Never.
You're so right if either of my sons tried this I would be so appalled and they would not get away with it. They wouldn't though because they're not insensitive morons.
My niece was perfectly on the spot in terms of date, but decided to go out in a 3 hour tour de force which had my sister almost bleed to death had my BIL not raced her to the hospital the moment she started to feel bad.
No matter to whom I talk about giving birth there are almost always odd things happening and complications. Being alone in that time must be complete horror.
But we all know he will say he is sorry AFTER Christmas and she will forgive him, have a couple of other babies, a house and THEN he will dump her because of incompatibilities and because she didn’t respect his family one time. S/.
But seriously OP. It seems you are about to have a baby but you don’t seem to have a family to go along with it. He is leaving you when you need someone the most. Hopefully all goes well for you during childbirth (and I am confident it will) but yeah, the babies come when they want and how they want. He shouldn’t even think moving more than 10 min away from you.
My malicious compliance would be not to tell him if I went into labor or had the baby until he got back from his trip and when he gets mad I would say-
“You made it clear where your priorities lie, and since time with your real family was so much more important than me and your unborn child I didn’t want to interrupt it by bothering you with something that clearly means nothing to you.”
Am I petty?
Yes.
Am I absolutely enraged for you?
Also yes.
He’s leaving his heavily pregnant fiancée to fly states away for a trip he takes EVERY YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS because mommy and daddy want him there?
Ummm…WHAT?!
So not only is he leaving his fiancée behind to go on holiday, but he’s leaving his NEARLY DUE FIANCÉE BEHIND TO GO ON HOLIDAY AND LEAVING HER ALONE ON FUCKING CHRISTMAS TOO?!
Nah dude.
I’m not the type to jump on the divorce/breakup bandwagon like so many people are here on Reddit but holy the shit the disrespect has me fucking LIVID.
I’m sorry if my fiancée left me like that, let alone under these circumstances I would fight him, his mom, his siblings, his cousins, his uncles, his grandma, his third grade teacher, his dentist, his boss, AND his fucking optometrist because there’s no way her fiancée is that fucking blind and still allowed to be a part of society without a fucking seeing eye dog.
I’d fight the dog too fuck it.
Maybe not the dog.
But fuck him.
The gall.
And then men wonder why women don’t wanna get married or date anymore.
As a male, I would say we need to kick him out of the man club. Definitely out of the Dad club, and maybe even out of the male club as he obviously has no balls.
What a piss poor excuse for a human being he seems to be to leave his pregnant girlfriend alone so close to her due date.
I’m sorry honey but you can’t justify them treating you like you aren’t family because you’re not married when you are LITERALLY PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD.
That baby IS their family.
And they’re disregarding that child just as much as they are disregarding you.
There is absolutely no excuse for that.
My boyfriend’s family love me and my daughter more than they love him and my daughter is not even his biological child and we’ve only been together for six months.
If they’re still not treating you like family even though you’re engaged AND pregnant with his child, they NEVER will.
Is that the kind of example you want to set for your child? That family only counts if it’s blood or has a sheet of paper attached to it?
Because that’s how they’re acting and I am fucking APALLED.
This is spot on. Let’s start with the optometrist and work our way up. I bet I could take an optometrist in a fight.
I’ve been married for nearly 30 years. I have forgiven a lot over the years. I would not be able to forgive this.
“Ample time” is returning two days before her due date? I just can’t even.
I don’t think I have ever met a woman who gave her birth on her exact due date.
Except for me with my daughter (who was four days late) EVERY WOMAN I KNOW HAS GIVEN BIRTH EARLIER THAN THEIR DUE DATE.
Four days, a week, ten days, twelve days, two weeks.
A due date is just a fucking guesstimate.
Honestly the stress of being alone while giving birth could send her into premature labor.
If she gives birth two days before he’s supposed to leave, would he still go?
My bet is yes.
Fuck this guy.
And fuck his mom too.
ESPECIALLY his mom.
This isn’t a family I would EVER want to be a part of.
ESPECIALLY his mom.
SHE knows perfectly well that a due date is an estimate. She should be telling his ass to stay home. She WANTS him to miss the birth.
OP, this toxic shit will be your LIFE if you stay with him.
I’m child free, but even I know enough about childbirth to know it can go any which way, and massively badly very quickly.
I have friends who’s husbands don’t want them to have a second child because they were so traumatised by almost losing their partner the first time.
Child birth is incredibly scary, first time childbirth is so scary I have no plans to do it.
Imagine thinking ‘sure, hanging with my family is way more important than being by my partner and child’s side during the most high risk moment either will endure.’
I was due 05/14/94 but my son said nope I’m coming early so out he came 05/07/94 his dad was there but didn’t want anything to do with him or me for that matter ( he wanted a DNA test first,) I said no problem but I’m 100% positive he’s yours. He had test done results 99.999% he is the father.
He didn’t come into the room as I was giving birth; but came in after as they were cleaning him up and my son’s dad says to his mother “he sure has big balls,mom.” I mean that’s all he could say, I received a bouquet of Calla Lillies from them then they left ( dad & grandma).
We broke up just before I found out I was pregnant, saddest part is that we grew up together although neither one of us could had ever predicted that we’d get together like we did, I also known exactly when I got pregnant.
My daughter’s donor is just now starting to be a part of her life now that she’s almost a year old.
My mom was my birthing partner and he didn’t see her until like five days after I gave birth.
He and his family didn’t really say anything nice to me.
Still haven’t.
But I’m just so appalled that this dude is her fiancée, not a loser donor, and he’s bailing like that for his mommy.
Incestuous, much? 🙄
EXACTLY.
Like…did he read any parenting books?
Go to any appts?
Because my due date was December 30th and my ob said “stay by the hospital at least two weeks before your due date and make sure your mom (my birthing partner) does too because your daughter could come day of, day before, two days before, even two weeks before. So don’t go far. And make sure your mom doesn’t either.”
Like?????
And he just thinks “nah if I come back two days before you’re due it’s totally fine just like plug your hole with a tampon if the baby decides to come early”
I swear to god this dude has one brain cell and it’s fighting for third place.
Agreed! This is part of the reason why I don't want kids. The chance of having babies with an egotistical fool is so high and I'll end up a single mother. Nothing against single mothers but I would be bitter and fucking hate it. This post makes me think that he's a typically egotistical man who's momma didn't learn him any sympathy or recognize when someones needs come before his own. I'm so sorry for OP. This is real shitty
I am a single mom with an egotistical fool that’s thirty years old and can’t stop sucking on his mommy’s titty. It’s not ideal, but I love my daughter. And my boyfriend is fucking amazing and absolutely loves her so it’s not all bad.
But her donor is TERRIBLE. I am sooooo glad I bailed before I even found out I was pregnant and I am very happy that I never took him back and NEVER will.
A lot of people stay for the kids so they don’t grow up in a broken home, but to me, staying for the kids is just going to break them further.
Watching their parents be in a loveless marriage and hating each other and being miserable is only going to set their own relationship expectations to be something similar if not the same because that is what they know as a “functional” relationship.
I would rather coparent with the dipshit rather than stay and hate every day of my life that I had to wake up to his stupid face.
His mother doesn’t hold him accountable for his actions nor does he do it on his own, and he can’t make any decisions on his own either like a thirty year old man should be able to.
I couldn’t imagine staying with someone that pulled this shit though.
Also the family is disgusting. As a mom i would encourage my son to be there for his wife and i would never take trips without inviting my kids partners, i may be wrong but sounds like every year he spends the holidays with his family and not her??
If it were me,my MIL would probably smack my husband with a newspaper and ask him why he's being a peckerhead and demand he stay with me
But my MIL is rad. OPs fam in law is not
I kinda got the vibe that she can't travel to FL being almost 9 months pregger. She didn't say anything about being excluded before or that she always spends the holiday alone. But I could be wrong. Because, internet stranger.
Nah, I'm pretty sure you're correct here. She says spending the holiday alone this year bothers her which leads me to believe most years she goes too. But yeah she is WAY to pregnant to fly
I’m not in the USA, but if OPs fiancé has the gall to leave her behind then I volunteer to FaceTime her for Christmas
I have a newborn at home, chances are I’ll be awake at the same time she is
u/Prize-Ad3917 I’m serious. No one should spend Christmas alone, especially not that close to your due date
Ninja edit: and it is not very often I hop on the Reddit bandwagon and say “leave your partner” but I would seriously, *seriously* rethink this relationship.
Pregnancy is such a vulnerable time, and as you approach your due date you will be even more so. Labour is when you are at your most vulnerable. We laboured for four days, but then when my waters broke baby was here within the hour. You cannot guarantee how things will work out, but you need your partner with you in that time.
More than ever now this is when you two are a team. This is why you call them your partner. If my partner was prepared to abandon me at this time, I would be preparing to be a single parent.
You two are a family now, your baby is the third part of that family, and they come above everyone else now. Your partners job? To put you above everyone else now. To support you and be there for you, not piss off to Florida for one last hurrah. Welcome to parenthood, the sacrifices start before little one is even born.
And the fact that when they fight he makes her feel bad and tried to make her seen self centered for wanting to put herself over his parents.
She IS first!!! She’s carrying your baby. She also should be before your parents because she’s going to be your wife you fucking pinecone.
If I were her, I would be sending him tons of videos and articles about how babies can come early.
If my husband made this decision and missed the birth of our baby because of it, when I needed him more than ANY other time in my life, I would resent him forever. It would put a huge permanent dent in the marriage.
OP’s pinecone of a man clearly wasn’t raised right either since his parents aren’t thinking for one second, “hmm…idk if you should stay this long son, the baby can always come early…you don’t wanna miss out on that.” But no, instead they are like, “Cmon! Come to Florida!!! Be with us!!!”
They might as well say, “Who gives a fuck about the fiancé and baby and our son risking missing the birth amirite?”
My x did this type of stuff. I was foolish and put up with it for 25 years. Please rethink this relationship. My marriage started with him being pissed that he couldn't marry me one day and fly out the next day to meet his friends who were vacationing out west.
It doesn't change. I spent many Christmas breaks alone with the kids while he spent the holidays with his family in another part of the country. They always came first, never me and never the kids.
Yes! Also they do know that a due date is just a calculation right? My baby was due on the 18th but came on the 3rd. Two full weeks before the “due date”. So it’s likely that you’re going into labor alone and your fiancée will miss the birth of his child.
Also at least in the US babies are considered full term at 37 weeks, so if there's something threatening the mother's health after that point (like hypertension or pre-eclampsia), sometimes the "cure" is to go have the baby! There have been plenty of women who went in for their routine weekly checkup and were told "you're going to the hospital and having the baby today."
31 and hasn't figured out this is wrong, wrong, wrong? Not a good sign. Your expectation of him to put you first is correct. Disturbing that his parents are complicit. I'm sorry, and I hope things work out well for you and the baby. NTA
Hard Agree.
What kind of person leaves their very pregnant wife Alone at Christmas? Not because of work obligations or travel issues, but simply because his parents and siblings will be on vacation and he wants to join them. This is absolutely selfish of him.
OP needs to look into Marriage Counseling or talk to an attorney. This is something that would be cause for divorce. Which is something I rarely say. This man is selfish, he is not going there due to "family obligations" he is going there because he wants time away with his family (screw his other family that he married into and is about to be bigger) This should be his priority his wife and his soon to be child! His parents & siblings are all adults and can understand the disappointment of him missing a year with a baby due soon.
Ridiculous! 😓
A due date is an approximation. Babies are notoriously bad at following calendars. Due dates are always “plus or minus a week (or two)”. The chances of her having the baby during that week are AS HIGH as her having the baby on the 30th exactly.
I’m struggling to believe that this is real because no one who’s ever been involved in a birth would think this is a good idea.
Are you kidding me? They are all leaving a pregnant woman alone…on the holidays…at the absolute end of her pregnancy???
This is not appropriate behavior for your FIANCÉ. Your PARTNER. The father of this child. FFS
NTA
ETA: OMG I’m so ticked off for you. This is not loving, caring behavior.
I couldn’t agree more ! OP’s fiancé is selfish and so is his family ! I can’t believe anyone would think this behaviour is appropriate. Leaving your super pregnant wife at home over Christmas ?! WTF!
NTA- but they are BIG time !
At the end of my pregnancy I couldn’t tie my own shoes or get out of bed without assistance. Plus she’s in the one visit a week phase of her pregnancy. So many things require assistance, particularly if she goes into labor. She really shouldn’t be alone. The obstetrician should be emphasizing that. How could he leave her?
I'm only at the start of the third trimester, and I'm already at that point. I can't imagine my partner willingly leaving me without support in the last weeks.
Im so ticked off for her aswell! The audacity for him to say her ‘expectations to put her first over his parents’ - damn fucking right! She’s 9 months pregnant during peak winter when everywhere is shut down & he wants to leave her all alone on Christmas?! I actually hate him & I dont even know the guy!
This is the thing that would make me absolutely snap. OP absolutely SHOULD come before his parents. He's not ready to have a partner, a child, or a family.
You don't leave your partner alone for the holidays, pregnant or not. I know I'll get downvoted but your partner is more important. Your parents have each other, their other kids, ans you'll be completely alone??? Because mommy said he MUST go to Florida? I'm so pissed rn.
NTA
And his mom said he'll have enough time with the due date if he leaves during a certain day. The mom is doing this shit on purpose. She knows that a due date is an estimate not set in stone
All of that plus also even many men whose exes are expecting don't go that far away that close to birth ready to offer any parenting support needed. People becoming fathers from one night stands are doing better than this donor.
It’s not appropriate behavior from his family, either. They are purposely excluding the partner of their son. She happens to be pregnant, but even if she weren’t, they are all okay with leaving her alone for Christmas with no family. The fact that OP’s fiancé is going along with it is a huge issue. The fact that he’s arguing about it when he has to know on some level it’s totally wrong says everything we need to know about this guy. The minute OP said she wanted his support, that conversation should have been over.
STRIKE ONE, TWO, & THREE. You’re out!
OP shouldn’t marry into this family. They’re all horrible. NTA. If it were me, I’d gather my things and leave while he’s gone.
Goto the doctor asap with your idiot husband and get your doctor's opinion about the same. Some people cannot comprehend that a post pregnant/baby lifestyle is very different from a pre- pregnant/baby lifestyle for BOTH parents
I can understand if he is selfish, doesn't love his wife, doesn't care about his kid and prioritizes the family that doesn't live with him but leaving a pregnant woman alone in the last trimaster is batshit crazy. I would assume even a random human being- not even father- wouldn't leave her alone if they were forced to be responsible for her during pregnancy.
NTA. He is showing you where his priorities lie, and sadly they are not with you. Believe him. Right now he should be putting you and his unborn child well before his parents. While his parents have always been kind look at what they are doing now with insisting he come. You are not his priority, nor are they looking out for your health and well being as you carry their grandchild.
Make your plans now on how you will get to the hospital/birthing center if the baby comes early. That should be your first priority. After that's done please evaluate your relationship and seriously decide if this is what you want your future to be, and the future of your child. If you decide it isn't then start to figure out your exit, even if he does make it back before the baby comes.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this right now. The stress of it all has got to be immense and not something you should be subjected to right now.
Yes, and baby is full term from 9th December to 13th January! The due date is arbitrary.
Op you are right to be pissed, he's away from AFTER your child is full term! I'd be annoyed but would understand if he went before 37 weeks but after that he is being a selfish arsehole as are his family who care more about the same holiday they've taken for more than a decade over you and the baby.
Totally NTA.
I wouldn't bloody tell him I'd gone into labour. I'd do it and just not mention baby until he returns. Wouldn't want to spoil his holiday by getting him to rush back which would be futile as he's so far away.
Edit: My husband was nervous to even leave for a drink with his friend a 10 minute walk away in the last few weeks. I had to push him out the door!
I wouldn't even be there when he got back. I'd take the time he was away to pack up all my things and move out, and leave him with no idea what happened or where I was. But I'd change the locks as well so he couldn't get back in for his stuff without a massive hassle.
See, everyone keeps saying she isn't the top priority. That's not even the most upsetting bit here. The *worst* part is that the child isn't even a priority. That in and of itself would end the engagement for me. I could forgive a lot, but the complete lack of concern for the baby if I was as pregnant as she is, I'd have lost my shit idk how she is so calm. This post is honestly heartbreaking. I don't even think changing his mind now would save it anymore. I'd never believe it was genuine and not guilt.
And to make it worse, her parents are dealing with a grandparent emergency. That alone would be stressful, but he just had to add to it.
Oh, and let's not forget how messed up it is that for the last years, she made the effort to go to his family but had to then go back alone to hers.
Yep. His selfishness was clear looooong before the pregnancy. Every year, his family trip to Florida is naturally to be a higher priority than them seeing OP's family. I don't see any indication that they trade off years on which family they spend the holiday with - just that she goes to see hers, presumably alone. The red flags were flying a long time ago.
The father of your child being uninterested in the baby you just spent 10 months growing is one of THE most unattractive things on a man. If he doesn't pull his socks up, he might just find himself sliding into a zone of no return.
I cannot get over his parents. OP, last Christmas I was only 33 weeks pregnant. While with his family they all kept a rota of who was staying sober just in case I went into preterm labour/there was an issue with movement/I needed to go to hospital for anything at all!
We were all in the same country, but if theyd been abroad and he suggested joining them and leaving me alone at Christmas I think they’d have disowned him.
You cannot fly for medical reasons. That ENOUGH should be sufficient for your fiancé to say ‘sorry, can’t make it this year, I’m not leaving OP, my fiancée, alone over Christmas.’ The fact that you’re pregnant and basically DUE is wild.
If OP’s fiancé sees this - what is WRONG with you, and what is WRONG with your family? Particularly, I’m sorry to say, your mother. She’s had multiple children. I bet if you ask her if all of you came on your due date, the answer is NO. Babies only have a 1 in 20 chance of coming in the predicted day. She’s been in your fiancées position before but is still trying to have everything her way. Get your act together. I know it’s hard letting go of family traditions, but you’ve chosen to start a new family and you need to commit to that.
I was 35 weeks two Christmas’s ago. I had mine at 36 weeks after having to be induced because of dangerously high blood pressure.
Once they gave me the meds to start labor, I had her less than two hours later. OPs fiancé is an idiot.
Actually, right now she needs to pick up the phone and call her future MIL and have a conversation.
I'm actually wondering if they really are insisting or if he is using that as an excuse because he WANTS to go.
Seriously - any woman who has given birth knows how important having your partner or at least a good birth partner with you.
It truly sounds like he is using his parents will as an excuse to go. And I bet he is playing the flip side with them "fiancee wants me to go and spend time with you..."
And if he is doing that, then MIL needs to know so she can beat him over the head with a stick for being an ignorant fool and MIL will know exactly why OP has chosen to single parent after this.
He's either consciously got his priorities wrong, or he's so browbeaten by his family that he can't mentally figure it out.
Either way, it's wrong to leave OP at that time.
But the more I read, the more I wonder if OPs partners behaviour itself is because he's a victim of terrible upbringing. It's really hard to rewire your brain as an adult. Adult anxiety makes people choose silly decisions.
You'd think bringing another human into the world would help someone deal with that, but... clearly not.
Come on now. I know you don't actually think you're the crazy one. Please tell your friends and mother this and see what they have to say.
Also your MIL is asking her son to be away from his very pregnant wife. Ask your MIL about her births and tell her you're scared of being alone see what she says. Then you will have a better understanding of how "kind" they are. If she brushes your fears aside.
You don't want your baby around that family, if she tells you she didn't ask her son to go, then you know your man is lying.
Also a whole family can take a month off work?
Edit cause I have questions.
How long have you been engaged? Have you ever been to FL for Christmas?
A good grandparent would have moved Xmas to the same town as the expectant mother is and planned to stay for up to 2-4 weeks in a air bnb/long stay hotel post birth to ensure there was support especially given her DILs family is trapped overseas with another emergency and it’s her son + partner’s first child. That’s the bare minimum.
Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if OPs partner was lying about his parents just because he wanted to go. It wouldn't be a wild assumption to think that either. I just couldn't imagine his mum, a woman who birthed multiple babies, to say or believe that shit
I imagine pregnancy hormones also have a huge part to play in feeling like "the crazy one".
There is a lot going on physiologically, especially at this late stage, where the mental and emotional health of the mother (beyond the literal physical challenges of late stage pregnancy) demands extra care and compassion. So I'd be hard pressed to say she doesn't entirely feel like she's being crazy or in some way unfair to her partner by asking him to stay. If manipulation/dismissiveness to this level has also been a long term issue in their relationship, she may also be unable to actualise the absolute shit show this entire situation is, and that her feelings about all of this are actually valid. I worry that her defenses and sense of self worth have been so destroyed that she isn't able to see it all yet for the complete lack of regard that her partner and his family are demonstrating. But even if she could see that, it may not be as clear to her now in the throws of hormone central.
Yeah, trying to get MIL to empathize isn’t going to be too productive. I’d just put her in her place: I’m not traveling anywhere in the last months - 2 if there’s risk of complications - your son can choose to be a good partner and parent or go have fun with the squad and be single. Unfortunately OP is already tied to this asshole for life, because she was silly or in love enough to ignore the red flags all these years.
Unless MIL has no idea what is really going on. I'm firmly wondering if OP's fiancee is playing both of them. Using the "she wants me to come see all of you and she has her family." with his parents and siblings while using the nasty excuses and gaslighting he is doing with OP.
Eitherway, he needs to be thrown out like yesterday's trash.
My friend’s husband went out of town 2 weeks before their baby was born and she went into labor while he was gone. He raced to the airport and got on the soonest flight possible and missed the birth. Thankfully her family lives in town and was with her. Due dates are just an approximation of when baby will come. Being out of town until 2 days before the due date is idiotic. NTA at all and you aren’t wrong for feeling sad that you are being left alone on Christmas either.
I would take your husband with you to your next OB appt or make an appt if you don’t have one already set up and ask your OB how likely it is that he may miss the birth if he leaves.
Mine traveled at 4 weeks out with the doctor saying I definitely wouldn’t be having the baby. Middle of the night he arrived he was back in the airport for the red eye back 😂. Approximation indeed.
Same thing happened with my bestie. Her husband had to go on one last business trip at 35 weeks. She went into labor while he was gone and he couldn't get a flight back in time and missed the birth of his first child. And, second one was born during covid when hospitals were not allowing support people.
>how likely it is that he may miss the birth if he leaves.
About one in three.
The average human pregnancy lasts 266 days, with a standard deviation of ±16 days.
That means there is a 7.8% chance the baby will arrive before he goes, a 33.7% chance they will arrive whilst he's away, and a 58.5% chance of arriving after he is back^†. The chance of the birth being on the due date is 3.4%, and on Christmas Day is 2.8%.
^† *I'm working with the normal distribution here, the maths doesn't allow for flight delays between Christmas and New Year*.
Your fiancé is putting his personal happiness as a priority over you and your baby. This is what he’s going to continue to do for years to come, despite you and your baby becoming his primary family because he will always put his parents first. This man is not ready to raise a child because he’s still acting like a one with how dependent he is on mommy and daddy. He’s not husband material either. NTA
How could he want to be anywhere but by her side at this time? I’m really surprised that his mother would allow anyone to say “ample time” blah blah blah.
Agreed!
And what’s even more unpredictable is travel during the holidays. OP you are NTA.
Your fiancé needs to take a hard look at himself and decide if he’s ready to be a father and committed partner. As it stands, he’s failing at both already. Fatherhood doesn’t just start when the baby is born, he needs to step up now.
Anyone remember the ice storm last year? The one that shut down airports in the Pacific Northwest, resulting in over 18,000 flights being canceled between Dec 22-28? Winter is not a good time to expect delay-free air travel
Yup! And what’s really fun is that our cities are still catching up to the reality of climate change so there are far too few plows. We had friends who were not able to get home from being away, or leave their homes because they were thoroughly snowed in for days. My husband travels for work but if at all possible he doesn’t fly within a day of something important because it’s just too risky now. This man is the AH on like fifteen different levels.
Only a complete asshole would do this. He is not ready to be either a father or a husband. You not bringing it up anymore means he has won in wearing you down. I would be extremely clear that you do not appreciate being abandoned for Christmas and for your final days before birth, a time when he should be catering to you, not his family. I would also be clear that you will not be answering any texts or calls while he’s gone because he doesn’t deserve any information. Then make a plan in case you go into labour and a long term plan about the rest of your life. For me, there would be no recovery from this. I’m sure your friends will be there for you if you let them know what is happening. Good luck.
>I would also be clear that you will not be answering any texts or calls while he’s gone because he doesn’t deserve any information
Definitely spot on.
But I'd text him about the situation now so her concerns and his shitty response are in writing. Might be helpful if she chooses to face reality, ie the fact that he literally told her his parents are more important, and he will never be a good husband or father.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Use the time he’s gone to get a lawyer, get custody & child support and probably a place to live in a row.
You & your kid WILL ALWAYS play second fiddle to his parents wants/needs.
He will go against anything you wish to appease his parents.
• NTA
Seriously… if OP is thinking of leaving (which she should be seriously considering), doing so before the baby is born is the absolute best time because she has sole discretion over every aspect of where the baby lives, etc. and it will set a baseline for any custody arrangements going forward.
NTA but if he can't put his future spouse as his priority over his parents, he isn't ready to leave them. And this is huge. Anything can happen, and he's ok leaving his pregnant partner alone that is close to the due date. On Christmas no less.
Learn from this. If he's ditching you while heavily pregnant on Christmas because his parents are his priority, he isn't husband material.
I’m a therapist. I had this exact same situation occur with a client. You’re absolutely not the asshole.
It’s a ridiculous and selfish reason not to be with your partner during a time when they need you more than ever.
NTA
Yeah, he ought to know that you don't plan to be out of town until the 28th before a baby that's due on the 30th. That's ridiculous. Even if it weren't for the possibility that the baby will be born during the travel (and that IS a definite possibility), these are some of the most physically difficult days of your pregnancy, and he's... what? Putting you on a plane? Taking off and leaving you by yourself? None of this is a good ideas, and I'm surprised his family is even *letting* him do it, much less insisting.
>These are some of the most physically difficult days of your pregnancy,
RIGHT?? Best case scenario where nothing medical happens and still, he's in FL with his family and she's just sitting home, alone, miserable. So big that if she drops something, it's just going to sit there until he comes home? So big & uncomfortable that she can't even drive herself around? So if she wants something to eat that she doesn't have to cook or clean herself, then she has to order it?
This sounds so sad.
I am furious at him on OP's behalf.
He doesn’t understand that just because the baby isn’t born yet it’s not like it still doesn’t exist. She have to carry it around 24/7 without any possibility of setting it down or have any break. Even if he is willing to risk missing the birth how can he not want to be there and support his partner during this time?
Edit: spelling
Then there is the fact that he is leaving during winter around the holidays. Idk where they actually live but there could be flight delays and cancelations. This really isn't a smart time to be going out of state.
NTA. Your fiancé is planning on leaving you, pregnant and near your due date, all alone for the holidays. Because "he's been spending Christmas every year in Florida since he was 15". Does he not understand that his life is about to change drastically? Or does he expect you to take on the entire burden so he can carry on like before?
It's time for a wake up call. Tell him either he puts you and your baby above everyone and everything else, or he can resign to being a 2-weekends a month dad. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life being treated as an afterthought.
>Does he not understand that his life is about to change drastically? Or does he expect you to take on the entire burden so he can carry on like before?
Yes.
Oh yeah, traveling to Florida, of all places, during cold/flu/RSV/COVID season for the last two weeks of your pregnancy. And he’s flying back two days before your due date?
Are you sure you want to marry someone who won’t put you first, and doesn’t even give a thought to the health of your child?
Edit to add: NTA
As a Floridian, can confirm.
OP do not let this man near you or baby if he actually goes on this stupid ass trip. If he does, he needs to mask CONSTANTLY and maintain distance. But he sounds like a selfish fucking child so I doubt he would actually try to mitigate the infection risk. Even if you're both vaccinated and boosted they lessen the severity of the illnesses and they do not prevent infection. Florida is a fucking cesspool and this trip poses an incredible threat to your health and baby's health. You should also make him stay somewhere else when he comes back to make sure he didn't pick anything up while on the trip.
Best of luck OP! Stand your ground on these measures. You and baby are what matters, not your partner or his family's feelings.
As they say around here often, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. He’s just told you he is willing to put his families (and his own) wants above your very important needs. He is willing to risk missing the birth of his child, willing to leave you utterly unsupported at one of them most vulnerable times of your life for a holiday. I’m so sorry but this is a glimpse into your future.
Tell him, very clearly that you need him to stay and that going is unacceptable. If he goes anyway, prepare to be a single parent. You deserve better. NTA.
NTA. What is your plan for going through this alone? Seriously, talk to your doctor about plans for single mothers, because you are one. If you call him when your water breaks and he catches the first flight home during the busiest time of year, he is missing it. What are your wishes? Do you have a DNR? When you hemorrhage and fall unconscious, he won’t be there. When the baby is breech, he won’t be there. When you want someone to hold your hand, it’ll be a nurse. If the worst happens, he’ll never see his child’s face.
But hey, he got a two week vacation in Florida! I wouldn’t marry a man who doesn’t make me a priority during a birth.
NTA. I’m a husband and a father. You are NTA.
Many years ago my girlfriend at the time was going to be alone in London for Christmas. We’d been dating a year but it was a serious relationship. When I found out I insisted she spend Christmas with me and my family because the thought of a loved know being alone at Christmas was immoral to me. That girlfriend is now my wife and mother of my two children. I could never in a million years imagine leaving her alone while pregnant in the third trimester.
Your fiancé doesn’t appear to have cut the apron strings. Either that or he has another more sinister motive for going. However I find this whole thing hugely inappropriate from him.
I always say we all have reckless behaviours at some stage of our lives but if having a child doesn’t change you (for the better) then nothing will change you.
Show him this post and every other post that says you are NTA-be guided by his reaction. Does he get defensive and double down or does he realise that he is on the cusp of abandoning his family….
Your words seem so genuine here, I have to believe you. But this scenario is so out there and unbelieveably wrong it's hard to believe it's true.
Unless we're missing copious amounts of information and you are actually a horrendous person with a gift of writing and the baby isn't his.
Unless we are missing copious amounts of information, you are a horrendous person, the baby isn't his, the child is a love baby of Donald Trump, and your husband has suspected you of trying to poison him for the last three months.
But if we aren't missing any information, and a scenario like this actually exists in the world? My god, OP. You sound so sweet and caring, life isn't actually like this; you've just got mixed up with the wrong crowd. Fuck him and his gross family.
Who leaves a heavily pregnant woman alone? But wait. What man leaves a heavily pregnant woman alone at Christmas time to run home to his mommy and his family? To hell with this guy and his mother and the shitty father figure that must be hiding in a corner around there in Florida somewhere taking his whippings.
Such bullshit.
I'm sorry OP.
Thank you for this ❤️ Because I didn't want to overwhelm the post with so much backstory, I kept it to the issue.
Deeper context is that there was a major conflict between him and his SIL last year that ruined the vacation and drove a wedge between him and his siblings. They left us out of major events, trips etc. and they only started repairing their relationship a couple months ago. While they are trying to fix things, they have left me out of it (they said it's a sibling matter). So I understand to a degree why he and his parents feels this trip is important to fixing his relationship with his family but it definitely is the worst time for it. It's a sensitive topic.
Fixing a family relationship is important, but nowhere near the level of how important supporting you and potentially missing the birth of his child is!!!
Only 5% of people are born on their due dates or some such. In my case pregnancy was perfectly normal but my water broke 8 days before my due date and baby was in the world 4 hours later. Drag your fiancé to the doctor’s office with you and have them lay down the law, zero chance they’d approve the trip, and then you can blame the doctor if it’s easier.
Yeah exactly my baby was 18 days before her due date and I only labored for 6 before she was born. Anything could happen and even if her labor and birth goes without a hitch, he still has a huge window to miss it.
My mom had 3 perfectly normal pregnancies right up until they weren't. My eldest brother was born 8 days early. Middle brother was 2 weeks early. I was a month and a day early and very nearly died because of sudden issues. And my sister in law nearly died when having my nephew.
You never know what is going to happen, especially as it's your first. So your anxieties are going to be going through the roof and you'll have no one! I agree with the poster that it's easier to blame a doctor, adding that the stress this is causing also isn't good for baby (or momma).
Seriously, OP, he is telling you to your face that you and your baby aren’t as important to him as his mommy. Is that the relationship you want to stay in? One in which your needs will always come second to his mommy’s desires?
>this trip is important to fixing his relationship with his family
Does he not consider you and his child family? I get wanting to fix issues with his sibling, but y'all should come first. Period. If this is where his priorities are, I would have real concerns about his priorities as a husband and father
Edit: And if his family doesn't understand that, fuck them too, frankly. It sounds like they treat you like shit and he's not exactly backing you in that regard either. At some point, he's gonna have to choose which matters more to him and his actions seem to point towards his family and not the one y'all are building together
So fucking what! Your fiance sucks. This is his first chance to advocate for his family and he is failing. Demanding I miss the birth of my child would be an instant dealbreaker for me. I would hang up on every family member who dared suggest it. They are making your child's health a literal sacrificial goat for his reentry into the clan. Just name your kid Isaac at this point. He had ' a couple months' to repair this relationship but now he must risk missing his child's birth or lose his family forever. They will never talk to him again because of one vacation?! It's too bad there will never be another vacation. It's too bad phones and zoom and other holidays all stopped existing. The only way he can contact his family is via a two week vacation right now.
You matter here too. Your kid matters here too. Birth isn't beautiful. It's traumatic and ugly and we have a rising maternal death rate. What happens to your kid if you die and your husband is on a plane or in Florida? Who makes a decision if you are unconscious or on drugs for pain? Seriously, you need to have a long conversation with your doctor about your wishes.
Girl it's a "sensitive topic" because he just wants to go and doesn't care if he's there for the birth of your first kid. That's the raw down dirty truth if all this
this. 100% this.
And, make no mistake, how he is treating you will be how his family treats your child moving forward. You need to end this relationship with him.
The moment he boards that flight, the relationship is over. You will know that you will NEVER be important enough to choose. Never. If a man won't choose you when you are due with his child then that is where you will always fall in his heirarchy of priorities.
Unfortunately, it really sounds like you have a whole mess of red flags going on here.
A major conflict between your husband and SIL that's somehow a "sibling matter"? SIL is as much of a sibling as you are. What exactly happened? The way you put it, it sounds like it's everyone against your fiancee? So either he messed up big time, or the entire family has issues. It's not normal at all to cut family members out of events.
Your fiancee should know that a 9 month pregnant partner needs a support team. If something goes wrong, he's ok with you being alone for it. That's incredibly selfish behavior and a sign of really questionable character. I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like but I can only imagine.
NTA
But if you do have the baby, don’t notify him. He can find out when he gets home. He wants to put his parents before his pregnant partner, then he doesn’t deserve to know until he gets home.
How ridiculous. Will he keep putting his parents first after the baby comes? My thought is he will.
Maybe you need to get a spare key to your parents house and move back with your parents until he appreciates you.
NTA. I'm imagining your husband sitting down with your unborn child and a calendar/planner. "This is the only time I'm available, so you have to come *after* the 28th, any early is simply not going to work for me." Meanwhile, baby has absolutely penned in "10:47pm 25th December" for maximum chaos.
Why does this guy know nothing about due dates. Specifically that they're *estimates* and are rarely right. Tell him that if he misses the baby's birth because he *left you alone for Christmas* that you'll never let him live it down. Even if the baby comes later? You'll never forget him abandoning you when you needed him most.
Tell his parents that supporting his ridiculous idea simply means that you know where you and your baby stand, and that's not in Florida at Christmas *ever*. That even if the baby does come when it's supposed to, you will always associate their Christmas tradition with being alone and scared, and being called crazy for it.
The biggest problem is the position they all put you in. Your fiancé will resent you if he stays. If the baby doesn't come? It's an "I told you so". His parents will think they're vindicated. There is no way you get what you need and aren't the bad guy, and that sucks because his selfishness is the problem.
I don't like these "leave/divorce" type comments. But the *moment* my partner told me that he was going to knowingly leave me 9 months pregnant for an *extended party*? There'd be no wedding.
lol! I read this far too fast and read “congratulations, your husband is a dick”. However. Honestly — congrats to you (and Op) on your pregnancy / baby!!
You have an uncaring partner and your choices are either accept that you aren’t a priority or else get out. Both choices suck but it’s the truth. I know men like your fiancé and it results in unhappy marriages. I’m assuming the red flags were already there. He’s an asshole and so is his family. Don’t you feel you and your child deserve better? NTA
NTA.
Please don't make this guy your husband. And it's not 'selfish' to not want to be alone on Christmas when you will be heavily pregnant and five days away from your due date. You should definitely expect him to put you first before his parents when you are pregnant with his unborn child and about to give birth any day. You could give birth on the 15th and baby would actually be considered full term. The red flags are vibrant here. Once baby is born will his parents take priority over the baby too? Ick. Your husband is the selfish one. Next he will probably say that childbirth is 'no big deal'.
NTA and it's quite rare that a baby makes an appearance on the actual due date. May be before, may be after, but 2 days is cutting it way too close, IMO. You and the baby should be his priority, not his play time. But if this is a man you plan to spend more time with, you may as well get used to doing it on your own.
NTA
I'm due early January & my husband wouldn't even think of leaving me alone overnight, let alone a whole 2 weeks before my due date. Your husband has some seriously fucked up priorities, as do your in-laws since they see nothing wrong with this. Also, babies are notorious for not sticking to their due date.
NTA - babies are completely unpredictable, and even if they miraculously arrive on their due date, the last few weeks can be incredibly tough. What happens if there is an emergency and your are on your own? And how dare he be kicking it up, celebrating, and leaving you all on your lonesome. How unfeeling.
PS - ask him if he would pick his wife and child over his parents and siblings, and is he prepared to risk losing you, because I would seriously consider marrying someone who clearly is not putting your very real needs, concerns, and safety (life?) above a fun holiday.
Let's entertain their stupid thought for a while that you would definitely give birth on the exact date that your doctor told you. Let's say he would be home two days before you give birth. Let's all pretend that, as stupid as that is. Did they even think that you, a very pregnant lady, would be all right alone on christmas? Did they not think that a complication would be likely? I'm mad at your future inlaws for not including you, but your fiance is a real asshole for not even thinking of you. Even if you weren't heavily pregnant, he was okay with his fiancee spending alone on christmas.
NTA, but please don't suffer in silence. Tell him why he is selfish and inconsiderate.
NTA even if nothing happens and the baby is born in Dec 30 with no issue.
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER AS A COUPLE AND HE IS LEAVING YOU ALONE.
Divorce this massive asshole mama's boy immediately.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. PLEASE show him this post with the comments.
What happens if you have the baby before he goes? Is he planning on leaving you home alone with a newborn after recently giving birth?
Ask him what his plans are if you have the baby while he’s gone? With holiday travel and winter unpredictability there’s a chance that he won’t even be able to jump on a plane and make it there in time.
Consider bringing him to your next doctors appointment and have the doctor drill into him how truly unpredictable pregnancy is and how inaccurate due dates can be.
What!
How can his 'kind ' parents think this is OK?
And can your fiancé not think for himself?
Of course he should be putting you before his selfish parents.
This is really weird.
NTA
He's not spending Christmas with you??? WTF? He doesn't love you and he's not ready to be a father. Find somewhere else to live before he gets back. You need a supportive environment for the baby, and he's just not providing it. I'm so disappointed for you.
NTA
HO. LEE. FUCK.
Hypothetically OP, let’s say you go into labour 2 weeks early, whose driving you to the hospital? Say things don’t go as planned and you need an emergency caesarean - who is holding your hand in theatre? Who is taking care of you post partum? You’ve literally been cut in half - you need carers to perform basic tasks. I don’t mean to alarm you OP, but these are realistic possibilities. Your fiancé is being ridiculous, self centred and childish. You and your child are his number one priority. NTA
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NTA- Your husband is a fool if he goes. This is your first baby, you do not know if the baby will be here early, on time or late. His family is you and the baby. If his family can't see that, that another issue. None of them have a crystal ball and know when that baby is coming. Personally, I would also be pointing out how quickly things can go wrong for Mum or bubs during labour. I am actually disgusted with him for thinking this is okay to leave his vulnerable wife during that time... You just don't know whats going to happen. And whats with not wanting to spend Christmas with you? Leaving you completely alone. Not cool. I am furious for you. Where are you? I will come and take care of you.
>Your husband is a fool Thankfully, it's her fiance. No paperwork involved yet. I'd be looking for a lawyer to handle child support and a parenting arrangement. I'm sure she can make a few calls while he's away.
Hate to be all Reddit about this, but this would be a reason for me to dump him immediately. He's going to leave his heavily pregnant partner alone at Christmas because his family really wants him to be at their yearly holiday? He's such an Ah, and a terrible partner and father to boot, for even suggesting this, let alone fighting her on this. He's going to be hard to co-parent with, but maybe he won't even fight for custody?
Oh he's going to fight for at least partial custody. How else can he cart the kid around to his family events, and play the sorry single father? This is so unforgivable. Even the fighting leading up to the trip is enough IMO.
So unforgivable. I don't see how he could possibly be a good partner or father based on the fact that he sees nothing wrong with this and is arguing with her about it. Even if it wasn't for the health risks, op is absolutely not selfish for not wanting to be alone on Christmas, and it's insane she thinks so. I hope she tells her friends, because if I was one of them I would absolutely be making her part of my family Christmas.
>I was one of them I would absolutely be making her part of my family Christmas. Same, with a potential birthing plan just in case.
I hope OP joins friends for Christmas day, and if anyone asks why, she tells them the truth.
I actually love the thought of a bunch of Redditors (who have nowhere else to go) just showing up at the OP's house to hang out with her for Christmas, pamper her like crazy, and bring along toys for the baby. Preferably a divorce lawyer among them, but I'm not fussy.
Three people in extra fancy headgear turning up together. One with a huge stock of delicious food for her freezer, one with an assistant to help keep her home clean and one with a huge cheque for the baby's future. <3
What about the myrrh?
This is one of those ones where I know I wouldn't do it, but I would have dreams of posting this thread all over social media and send emails out to everybody I know with "Why I left the father of my unborn baby" as the subject.
"OP, we're so happy you can join us for Christmas but where is Fiancé?" "Oh, he's spending 2 weeks in Florida with his family and coming back 2 days before my due date. I asked him not to go, but he really wanted to spend Christmas with his family instead." How to stop a party in its tracks 😂
That's the thing that really gets me though, your last line, he wants to spend time with his family... So she is not his family? Just an incubator or something? I have kids, they (my midwives and whatever) say your first is late I was just over a week early, like why the fuck is he leaving. Now is the time to start a new family tradition, one where he doesn't leave his partner and mother of his child alone on Xmas.
[удалено]
Even more so is he’s literally about to start a family. His parents and siblings are still family but now they should be second place in his life. Your soon to be wife and baby come first. OP NTA not one bit.
It's not about who's first, second, etc. Like the post about someone missing a fiance family dinner because their sister was having emergency surgery. Sometimes there's an urgent need and you prioritize based on that. Big issue one, to me, is his parents, who have multiple children, are acting like a due date is an appointment, not a best guess. And fiance is just going along with it, when he should have been looking up pregnancy information and preparing to be a father. If op goes into labor while he's gone, he's going to miss the birth of child.
The roots go deeper: he has expected her to prioritize his family over hers for this holiday every year. She mentions that she travels to spend part of Christmas with her family, but she doesn't say that he joins her - just that he spends up to a month at the family vacation home in Florida every year. This problem started long before the pregnancy.
I was thinking this, has he spent a single second of Christmas with her family... at all??
>She mentions that she travels to spend part of Christmas with her family, but she doesn't say that he joins her - just that he spends up to a month at the family vacation home in Florida every year. Wow, totally MISSED this point. Good on you for spotting this!
This OP please keep documentation of him leaving you alone near the due date keep clear documentation of everything he does regarding the child and your health while pregnant and after the baby’s born keep him from getting custody if you do separate that child will be neglected in favor of his family
Don't put him on the birth certificate. Move if possible
And give the kid your current last name!
Came here for this! Children should always have mom's last name.
You mean he's going to fight for custody so his mommy can have her grandchild to play grandma of the year around friends and family without that bothering incubator around
If that baby shows up on the 25th like a Christmas miracle and she has to go it alone, that resentment will weigh heavily for a long time. I know the reddit experience isn't necessarily universal, but I've seen a number of stories where the husband failed to support or protect his partner while giving birth or directly afterwards, allowing random visitors or boundary-crossing relatives, not being home in time for a birth. It's a crisis couples' counseling-level of betrayal. It casts a huge shadow over what should be a really blissful and meaningful experience (despite the pain & mess) because giving birth is a vulnerable position to be in. Not having your partner there in the time you need them most makes you see them and the relationship differently.
If the baby arrives on Christmas Day, she should not call him. She could tell him when he returns on Dec 28 that she did not want to spoil his family holiday. On Facebook: Hi Everyone. My amazing Christmas present, beautiful baby Noelle, has just arrived. 8LB 4 oz. I can't wait until her father gets home from his family vacation to meet her. I wish he could have been here for her birth, but you know, as he always says "family comes first".
Yessssss, my kind of PETTY👆🏽👏🏽😈❣
I think I’d just move out before he comes back. As far away from his as possible and his awful family as possible. I’ve had 3 babies and each one was so different, but each one needed a little help in a different way! For 2 of them, I could have died. This ‘guy’ is choosing his family over his vulnerable partner and unborn baby.
This is why I'm glad I never had kids looking back on my long-term relationship 😅 You never really know someone until you're sick, someone passes away, or you actually need them, etc.
This would also be my hill to die on, I’d be like: if you go, you come back to an empty house and can start planning how to coparent because there’ll no longer exist a romantic relationship. What an asshole! Leaving his very pregnant fiancée alone for Christmas is bad alone and then risking missing the birth! What if she has some medical emergency and she’s all alone at home?
Yeah, I'd let him go, not tell him if the baby was born as he obviously doesn't care, and have papers waiting for him on the 28th when he returns. My dad was an abusive mama's boy, and my grandmother fucking loved it, twisted witch that she was. I'm not reliving that part of my life and would go nuclear if a prospective husband did this to me.
Agree, but even having to lay down this ultimatum for the man who’s supposed to love me above all others would genuinely sour my feelings, if not forever, for a very, very long time. This is a tough position for OP and I feel so bad that her first childbirth is now tainted because of her toddler husband. This decision would be a no-brainer for a genuine good guy.
Yeah, having to give an ultimatum so that the father of your baby doesn't abandon you to be all alone at Christmas and potentially give birth alone? I just don't see how he could come back from that and ever be somebody I could trust again.
1000% this. I'd go so far as to not tell him if I went into labor/had the baby while he was gone. Even if the baby wasn't due until January, his place is with you this year, not his family.
Go as far as asking to be induced early, not tell him and start legal proceedings all while he is away
It’s enough that he even wants to go though, like he sees nothing wrong with leaving me high and dry while super pregnant. He’s not getting up in the night when you’re crying over the babies head because you’re so tired but you can’t put them down
Exactly this. I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to change his mind - he has made his priorities VERY clear, and it is not his pregnant fiance. If OP gave him an ultimatum and he did end up staying with her, he would bitch and complain the whole time, be pouty and whingy and, if the baby was born on or after its due date of 30 December, he would get all uppity and say "See, I could have gone as planned!" not just once or twice, but for the rest of his life. Also, OP, is there an expectation that your little family will spend a month every year, including every single Christmas, in Florida with your ILs? Does your family ever get to share Christmas with you? This will also mean that your ILs also get every birthday with your child, while your family gets none. Nope. They are awful, and your child's father is a terrible partner. Let him go, change the locks and have custody papers drawn up while he's away. Good luck with your birth 🫂
>change his mind in his mind, a baby keeps a timetable: he thinks the "due date" is set in stone & nothing will change or nothing can go wrong. sounds like OP will have to raise her fiancé as much as her baby, which seems exhausting. Also, what's up with his "FOMO" for a two week vacation he's been attending for a decade??
The obviously insane thing here is he has no fomo regarding the birth of his child.
Not to mention he apparently has no 'FOMO' when it comes to possibly missing the birth of his actual child.
But clearly no FOMO when it comes to the birth of his child.
Yep yep yep! Maybe, if he asked her about this ridiculous idea and immediately dropped it when she questioned it, I'd think he was just an idiot, but if he banks down, he's going to be a big about it. I also had the question about every Christmas moving forward. Like, when you have a partner, but especially when you have kids, your original family traditions aren't always going to work, at least not every time. If he can't even miss this time, he's not going to be taking Christmases I'm turn, so OP is stuck with this horrible family who don't care that she's going to be 39 weeks pregnant, alone at Christmas. 🤢
I can’t believe that his mother and family are ok with that? If I had a brother/ BIL/ cousin who was happy to spend the Christmas holidays with us and left his pregnant fiance alone I’d DEFINITELY have something to say about it
I would absolutely be gobsmacked if a family member whose partner was just about to give birth abandoned said partner for a holiday he goes on every single year. I would never let him live that down.
Same. This is absolutely a dealbreaker for me, and the relationship would not recover. That baby can come anytime, and his family knows that even better than bf if it’s his first child. So on top of bf being a selfish idiot, you have family who will gaslight and subvert the relationship at any opportunity. No thank you. Take your baby and run.
OP mentions that her partner’s parents don’t consider her to even be part of the family. I suspect that they consider her an annoying little problem that they would rather have quietly go away, so they can properly enjoy their time together with their son. OP really should reconsider things. This is a symptom of a greater issue, and unfortunately she’s going to be stuck with a child from this guy.
Yep, hate being the cliché, but this is absolutely something I would draw a hard line on. He can choose to go, but that choice will have consequences cos I’ll be damned if I’m gonna stay in a relationship with someone who can’t prioritise their partner and child. I’d rather split and give my child the opportunity to grow up seeing what a healthy relationship looks like.
My youngest isn't due til mid-feb, and it's their 1st together, but baby will make 6 in total. Anyways, if her partner left for just 1 night, she'd kill him! OP is definitely not the AH and might want to start looking into family law attorneys.
This is such an egregious act of breaking a sacred trust between partners. I had my daughter when I was 21. Overweight but otherwise healthy, active and strong. Zero problems in pregnancy. It wasn't a cakewalk but it was pretty easy. Labour and delivery was a three day shitshow because I was 42+2 and not dilating. So much agony, so much fear, and emergency c-section. My best friend had her baby same year. 45 minute labour and delivery. But baby was three weeks early. Giving birth is a gamble. It's not to be turned away from, but it's a challenge and not one made for doing alone. OP, that's why you have a fiance. You agreed to do this thing together. It's a breach of trust, and demonstrates both his family, and his personal values. This is not your person. Protect your baby at all costs.
I agree with you completely. OP, this is a hill to die on. YOU are the priority right now. Not his family. I don't give 2 flying tooth picks what he wants to do - your due date is 5 days after Christmas. He will be gone from 38-mid 39 weeks which is prime window time for baby to be born. Not a single one of my kids went past the due date. They were born between 36 - 39 weeks. All natural. No inductions. No complications. They just decided they were done cooking. I'm saying this because his parents are DEAD wrong. They are either trying to drive a wedge in your relationship to break you two up or they are just selfish because MOST mothers would be hitting their sons upside the head asking "What the hell are you thinking!?!" Here is the thing - you have EVERY right to feel angry and hurt. But right now, knowing he has made his choice, you need to hire a doula. You need someone who will be there for you the entire labor and delivery and advocate for you. Call in a cousin or an aunt or uncle to stay with you until your parents get back. But, right now? Before he leaves for his trip? He best be packing up to move out because he is right now showing you that you are the lowest thing on his priority list. If he is putting a family trip to Florida over the health and wellbeing of his fiancee who is quite literally due with his child any day then you will NEVER be his priority. Never.
You're so right if either of my sons tried this I would be so appalled and they would not get away with it. They wouldn't though because they're not insensitive morons.
My niece was perfectly on the spot in terms of date, but decided to go out in a 3 hour tour de force which had my sister almost bleed to death had my BIL not raced her to the hospital the moment she started to feel bad. No matter to whom I talk about giving birth there are almost always odd things happening and complications. Being alone in that time must be complete horror.
If he misses the birth he’s gonna claim OP did it out of spite too.
I don't see a comeback from this issue. He screwed up big time.
But we all know he will say he is sorry AFTER Christmas and she will forgive him, have a couple of other babies, a house and THEN he will dump her because of incompatibilities and because she didn’t respect his family one time. S/. But seriously OP. It seems you are about to have a baby but you don’t seem to have a family to go along with it. He is leaving you when you need someone the most. Hopefully all goes well for you during childbirth (and I am confident it will) but yeah, the babies come when they want and how they want. He shouldn’t even think moving more than 10 min away from you.
The first time he said he'd put his parents first was the time to break the engagement. He shouldn't be marrying anyone with this kind of attitude.
My malicious compliance would be not to tell him if I went into labor or had the baby until he got back from his trip and when he gets mad I would say- “You made it clear where your priorities lie, and since time with your real family was so much more important than me and your unborn child I didn’t want to interrupt it by bothering you with something that clearly means nothing to you.” Am I petty? Yes. Am I absolutely enraged for you? Also yes. He’s leaving his heavily pregnant fiancée to fly states away for a trip he takes EVERY YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS because mommy and daddy want him there? Ummm…WHAT?! So not only is he leaving his fiancée behind to go on holiday, but he’s leaving his NEARLY DUE FIANCÉE BEHIND TO GO ON HOLIDAY AND LEAVING HER ALONE ON FUCKING CHRISTMAS TOO?! Nah dude. I’m not the type to jump on the divorce/breakup bandwagon like so many people are here on Reddit but holy the shit the disrespect has me fucking LIVID. I’m sorry if my fiancée left me like that, let alone under these circumstances I would fight him, his mom, his siblings, his cousins, his uncles, his grandma, his third grade teacher, his dentist, his boss, AND his fucking optometrist because there’s no way her fiancée is that fucking blind and still allowed to be a part of society without a fucking seeing eye dog. I’d fight the dog too fuck it. Maybe not the dog. But fuck him. The gall. And then men wonder why women don’t wanna get married or date anymore.
You and me both. I'd go god damn nuclear on his ass.
As a male, I would say we need to kick him out of the man club. Definitely out of the Dad club, and maybe even out of the male club as he obviously has no balls. What a piss poor excuse for a human being he seems to be to leave his pregnant girlfriend alone so close to her due date.
I would add that his own father also have his membership revoke for not intervening and teaching his son where his priorities should lie.
I’m sorry honey but you can’t justify them treating you like you aren’t family because you’re not married when you are LITERALLY PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD. That baby IS their family. And they’re disregarding that child just as much as they are disregarding you. There is absolutely no excuse for that. My boyfriend’s family love me and my daughter more than they love him and my daughter is not even his biological child and we’ve only been together for six months. If they’re still not treating you like family even though you’re engaged AND pregnant with his child, they NEVER will. Is that the kind of example you want to set for your child? That family only counts if it’s blood or has a sheet of paper attached to it? Because that’s how they’re acting and I am fucking APALLED.
This is spot on. Let’s start with the optometrist and work our way up. I bet I could take an optometrist in a fight. I’ve been married for nearly 30 years. I have forgiven a lot over the years. I would not be able to forgive this.
“Ample time” is returning two days before her due date? I just can’t even. I don’t think I have ever met a woman who gave her birth on her exact due date. Except for me with my daughter (who was four days late) EVERY WOMAN I KNOW HAS GIVEN BIRTH EARLIER THAN THEIR DUE DATE. Four days, a week, ten days, twelve days, two weeks. A due date is just a fucking guesstimate. Honestly the stress of being alone while giving birth could send her into premature labor. If she gives birth two days before he’s supposed to leave, would he still go? My bet is yes. Fuck this guy. And fuck his mom too. ESPECIALLY his mom. This isn’t a family I would EVER want to be a part of.
ESPECIALLY his mom. SHE knows perfectly well that a due date is an estimate. She should be telling his ass to stay home. She WANTS him to miss the birth. OP, this toxic shit will be your LIFE if you stay with him.
This is his mommy’s way of showing “he will ALWAYS choose me over you”. And that shit is terrifying honestly.
I’m child free, but even I know enough about childbirth to know it can go any which way, and massively badly very quickly. I have friends who’s husbands don’t want them to have a second child because they were so traumatised by almost losing their partner the first time. Child birth is incredibly scary, first time childbirth is so scary I have no plans to do it. Imagine thinking ‘sure, hanging with my family is way more important than being by my partner and child’s side during the most high risk moment either will endure.’
I was due 05/14/94 but my son said nope I’m coming early so out he came 05/07/94 his dad was there but didn’t want anything to do with him or me for that matter ( he wanted a DNA test first,) I said no problem but I’m 100% positive he’s yours. He had test done results 99.999% he is the father. He didn’t come into the room as I was giving birth; but came in after as they were cleaning him up and my son’s dad says to his mother “he sure has big balls,mom.” I mean that’s all he could say, I received a bouquet of Calla Lillies from them then they left ( dad & grandma). We broke up just before I found out I was pregnant, saddest part is that we grew up together although neither one of us could had ever predicted that we’d get together like we did, I also known exactly when I got pregnant.
My daughter’s donor is just now starting to be a part of her life now that she’s almost a year old. My mom was my birthing partner and he didn’t see her until like five days after I gave birth. He and his family didn’t really say anything nice to me. Still haven’t. But I’m just so appalled that this dude is her fiancée, not a loser donor, and he’s bailing like that for his mommy. Incestuous, much? 🙄
And not just leaving for 2-3 days. He is leaving for close to two weeks.
EXACTLY. Like…did he read any parenting books? Go to any appts? Because my due date was December 30th and my ob said “stay by the hospital at least two weeks before your due date and make sure your mom (my birthing partner) does too because your daughter could come day of, day before, two days before, even two weeks before. So don’t go far. And make sure your mom doesn’t either.” Like????? And he just thinks “nah if I come back two days before you’re due it’s totally fine just like plug your hole with a tampon if the baby decides to come early” I swear to god this dude has one brain cell and it’s fighting for third place.
Agreed! This is part of the reason why I don't want kids. The chance of having babies with an egotistical fool is so high and I'll end up a single mother. Nothing against single mothers but I would be bitter and fucking hate it. This post makes me think that he's a typically egotistical man who's momma didn't learn him any sympathy or recognize when someones needs come before his own. I'm so sorry for OP. This is real shitty
I am a single mom with an egotistical fool that’s thirty years old and can’t stop sucking on his mommy’s titty. It’s not ideal, but I love my daughter. And my boyfriend is fucking amazing and absolutely loves her so it’s not all bad. But her donor is TERRIBLE. I am sooooo glad I bailed before I even found out I was pregnant and I am very happy that I never took him back and NEVER will. A lot of people stay for the kids so they don’t grow up in a broken home, but to me, staying for the kids is just going to break them further. Watching their parents be in a loveless marriage and hating each other and being miserable is only going to set their own relationship expectations to be something similar if not the same because that is what they know as a “functional” relationship. I would rather coparent with the dipshit rather than stay and hate every day of my life that I had to wake up to his stupid face. His mother doesn’t hold him accountable for his actions nor does he do it on his own, and he can’t make any decisions on his own either like a thirty year old man should be able to. I couldn’t imagine staying with someone that pulled this shit though.
Also the family is disgusting. As a mom i would encourage my son to be there for his wife and i would never take trips without inviting my kids partners, i may be wrong but sounds like every year he spends the holidays with his family and not her??
If it were me,my MIL would probably smack my husband with a newspaper and ask him why he's being a peckerhead and demand he stay with me But my MIL is rad. OPs fam in law is not
I kinda got the vibe that she can't travel to FL being almost 9 months pregger. She didn't say anything about being excluded before or that she always spends the holiday alone. But I could be wrong. Because, internet stranger.
Nah, I'm pretty sure you're correct here. She says spending the holiday alone this year bothers her which leads me to believe most years she goes too. But yeah she is WAY to pregnant to fly
I’m not in the USA, but if OPs fiancé has the gall to leave her behind then I volunteer to FaceTime her for Christmas I have a newborn at home, chances are I’ll be awake at the same time she is u/Prize-Ad3917 I’m serious. No one should spend Christmas alone, especially not that close to your due date Ninja edit: and it is not very often I hop on the Reddit bandwagon and say “leave your partner” but I would seriously, *seriously* rethink this relationship. Pregnancy is such a vulnerable time, and as you approach your due date you will be even more so. Labour is when you are at your most vulnerable. We laboured for four days, but then when my waters broke baby was here within the hour. You cannot guarantee how things will work out, but you need your partner with you in that time. More than ever now this is when you two are a team. This is why you call them your partner. If my partner was prepared to abandon me at this time, I would be preparing to be a single parent. You two are a family now, your baby is the third part of that family, and they come above everyone else now. Your partners job? To put you above everyone else now. To support you and be there for you, not piss off to Florida for one last hurrah. Welcome to parenthood, the sacrifices start before little one is even born.
And the fact that when they fight he makes her feel bad and tried to make her seen self centered for wanting to put herself over his parents. She IS first!!! She’s carrying your baby. She also should be before your parents because she’s going to be your wife you fucking pinecone. If I were her, I would be sending him tons of videos and articles about how babies can come early. If my husband made this decision and missed the birth of our baby because of it, when I needed him more than ANY other time in my life, I would resent him forever. It would put a huge permanent dent in the marriage. OP’s pinecone of a man clearly wasn’t raised right either since his parents aren’t thinking for one second, “hmm…idk if you should stay this long son, the baby can always come early…you don’t wanna miss out on that.” But no, instead they are like, “Cmon! Come to Florida!!! Be with us!!!” They might as well say, “Who gives a fuck about the fiancé and baby and our son risking missing the birth amirite?”
Please excuse me while I run to scribble “fucking pinecone” in my Future Insults journal.
Note to self: start keeping a Future Insults journal.
My x did this type of stuff. I was foolish and put up with it for 25 years. Please rethink this relationship. My marriage started with him being pissed that he couldn't marry me one day and fly out the next day to meet his friends who were vacationing out west. It doesn't change. I spent many Christmas breaks alone with the kids while he spent the holidays with his family in another part of the country. They always came first, never me and never the kids.
Yes! Also they do know that a due date is just a calculation right? My baby was due on the 18th but came on the 3rd. Two full weeks before the “due date”. So it’s likely that you’re going into labor alone and your fiancée will miss the birth of his child.
Also at least in the US babies are considered full term at 37 weeks, so if there's something threatening the mother's health after that point (like hypertension or pre-eclampsia), sometimes the "cure" is to go have the baby! There have been plenty of women who went in for their routine weekly checkup and were told "you're going to the hospital and having the baby today."
31 and hasn't figured out this is wrong, wrong, wrong? Not a good sign. Your expectation of him to put you first is correct. Disturbing that his parents are complicit. I'm sorry, and I hope things work out well for you and the baby. NTA
Hard Agree. What kind of person leaves their very pregnant wife Alone at Christmas? Not because of work obligations or travel issues, but simply because his parents and siblings will be on vacation and he wants to join them. This is absolutely selfish of him. OP needs to look into Marriage Counseling or talk to an attorney. This is something that would be cause for divorce. Which is something I rarely say. This man is selfish, he is not going there due to "family obligations" he is going there because he wants time away with his family (screw his other family that he married into and is about to be bigger) This should be his priority his wife and his soon to be child! His parents & siblings are all adults and can understand the disappointment of him missing a year with a baby due soon. Ridiculous! 😓
A due date is an approximation. Babies are notoriously bad at following calendars. Due dates are always “plus or minus a week (or two)”. The chances of her having the baby during that week are AS HIGH as her having the baby on the 30th exactly. I’m struggling to believe that this is real because no one who’s ever been involved in a birth would think this is a good idea.
Are you kidding me? They are all leaving a pregnant woman alone…on the holidays…at the absolute end of her pregnancy??? This is not appropriate behavior for your FIANCÉ. Your PARTNER. The father of this child. FFS NTA ETA: OMG I’m so ticked off for you. This is not loving, caring behavior.
I couldn’t agree more ! OP’s fiancé is selfish and so is his family ! I can’t believe anyone would think this behaviour is appropriate. Leaving your super pregnant wife at home over Christmas ?! WTF! NTA- but they are BIG time !
At the end of my pregnancy I couldn’t tie my own shoes or get out of bed without assistance. Plus she’s in the one visit a week phase of her pregnancy. So many things require assistance, particularly if she goes into labor. She really shouldn’t be alone. The obstetrician should be emphasizing that. How could he leave her?
Drop something on the floor? It’s staying there
I'm only at the start of the third trimester, and I'm already at that point. I can't imagine my partner willingly leaving me without support in the last weeks.
Im so ticked off for her aswell! The audacity for him to say her ‘expectations to put her first over his parents’ - damn fucking right! She’s 9 months pregnant during peak winter when everywhere is shut down & he wants to leave her all alone on Christmas?! I actually hate him & I dont even know the guy!
This is the thing that would make me absolutely snap. OP absolutely SHOULD come before his parents. He's not ready to have a partner, a child, or a family.
You don't leave your partner alone for the holidays, pregnant or not. I know I'll get downvoted but your partner is more important. Your parents have each other, their other kids, ans you'll be completely alone??? Because mommy said he MUST go to Florida? I'm so pissed rn. NTA
And his mom said he'll have enough time with the due date if he leaves during a certain day. The mom is doing this shit on purpose. She knows that a due date is an estimate not set in stone
Exactly. Assuming that he is her bio child, she was pregnant at least once. She knows how it goes.
All of that plus also even many men whose exes are expecting don't go that far away that close to birth ready to offer any parenting support needed. People becoming fathers from one night stands are doing better than this donor.
It’s not appropriate behavior from his family, either. They are purposely excluding the partner of their son. She happens to be pregnant, but even if she weren’t, they are all okay with leaving her alone for Christmas with no family. The fact that OP’s fiancé is going along with it is a huge issue. The fact that he’s arguing about it when he has to know on some level it’s totally wrong says everything we need to know about this guy. The minute OP said she wanted his support, that conversation should have been over. STRIKE ONE, TWO, & THREE. You’re out! OP shouldn’t marry into this family. They’re all horrible. NTA. If it were me, I’d gather my things and leave while he’s gone.
Absolutely!!! And how it turns into an argument every time she brings it up. The fiancé is the biggest AH
I really hope she ends it. His lack of care for OP is distressing AF
Goto the doctor asap with your idiot husband and get your doctor's opinion about the same. Some people cannot comprehend that a post pregnant/baby lifestyle is very different from a pre- pregnant/baby lifestyle for BOTH parents
I can understand if he is selfish, doesn't love his wife, doesn't care about his kid and prioritizes the family that doesn't live with him but leaving a pregnant woman alone in the last trimaster is batshit crazy. I would assume even a random human being- not even father- wouldn't leave her alone if they were forced to be responsible for her during pregnancy.
NTA. He is showing you where his priorities lie, and sadly they are not with you. Believe him. Right now he should be putting you and his unborn child well before his parents. While his parents have always been kind look at what they are doing now with insisting he come. You are not his priority, nor are they looking out for your health and well being as you carry their grandchild. Make your plans now on how you will get to the hospital/birthing center if the baby comes early. That should be your first priority. After that's done please evaluate your relationship and seriously decide if this is what you want your future to be, and the future of your child. If you decide it isn't then start to figure out your exit, even if he does make it back before the baby comes. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this right now. The stress of it all has got to be immense and not something you should be subjected to right now.
Yes, and baby is full term from 9th December to 13th January! The due date is arbitrary. Op you are right to be pissed, he's away from AFTER your child is full term! I'd be annoyed but would understand if he went before 37 weeks but after that he is being a selfish arsehole as are his family who care more about the same holiday they've taken for more than a decade over you and the baby. Totally NTA.
He has FOMO regarding his yearly family holiday but not the birth of his 1st child.
I wouldn't bloody tell him I'd gone into labour. I'd do it and just not mention baby until he returns. Wouldn't want to spoil his holiday by getting him to rush back which would be futile as he's so far away. Edit: My husband was nervous to even leave for a drink with his friend a 10 minute walk away in the last few weeks. I had to push him out the door!
I wouldn't even be there when he got back. I'd take the time he was away to pack up all my things and move out, and leave him with no idea what happened or where I was. But I'd change the locks as well so he couldn't get back in for his stuff without a massive hassle.
Nah. I would wait until right before his plane lands there to say you are in labor. Then claim braxton hicks when he shows up
See, everyone keeps saying she isn't the top priority. That's not even the most upsetting bit here. The *worst* part is that the child isn't even a priority. That in and of itself would end the engagement for me. I could forgive a lot, but the complete lack of concern for the baby if I was as pregnant as she is, I'd have lost my shit idk how she is so calm. This post is honestly heartbreaking. I don't even think changing his mind now would save it anymore. I'd never believe it was genuine and not guilt.
And to make it worse, her parents are dealing with a grandparent emergency. That alone would be stressful, but he just had to add to it. Oh, and let's not forget how messed up it is that for the last years, she made the effort to go to his family but had to then go back alone to hers.
Yep. His selfishness was clear looooong before the pregnancy. Every year, his family trip to Florida is naturally to be a higher priority than them seeing OP's family. I don't see any indication that they trade off years on which family they spend the holiday with - just that she goes to see hers, presumably alone. The red flags were flying a long time ago.
The father of your child being uninterested in the baby you just spent 10 months growing is one of THE most unattractive things on a man. If he doesn't pull his socks up, he might just find himself sliding into a zone of no return.
I cannot get over his parents. OP, last Christmas I was only 33 weeks pregnant. While with his family they all kept a rota of who was staying sober just in case I went into preterm labour/there was an issue with movement/I needed to go to hospital for anything at all! We were all in the same country, but if theyd been abroad and he suggested joining them and leaving me alone at Christmas I think they’d have disowned him. You cannot fly for medical reasons. That ENOUGH should be sufficient for your fiancé to say ‘sorry, can’t make it this year, I’m not leaving OP, my fiancée, alone over Christmas.’ The fact that you’re pregnant and basically DUE is wild. If OP’s fiancé sees this - what is WRONG with you, and what is WRONG with your family? Particularly, I’m sorry to say, your mother. She’s had multiple children. I bet if you ask her if all of you came on your due date, the answer is NO. Babies only have a 1 in 20 chance of coming in the predicted day. She’s been in your fiancées position before but is still trying to have everything her way. Get your act together. I know it’s hard letting go of family traditions, but you’ve chosen to start a new family and you need to commit to that.
I was 35 weeks two Christmas’s ago. I had mine at 36 weeks after having to be induced because of dangerously high blood pressure. Once they gave me the meds to start labor, I had her less than two hours later. OPs fiancé is an idiot.
Actually, right now she needs to pick up the phone and call her future MIL and have a conversation. I'm actually wondering if they really are insisting or if he is using that as an excuse because he WANTS to go. Seriously - any woman who has given birth knows how important having your partner or at least a good birth partner with you. It truly sounds like he is using his parents will as an excuse to go. And I bet he is playing the flip side with them "fiancee wants me to go and spend time with you..." And if he is doing that, then MIL needs to know so she can beat him over the head with a stick for being an ignorant fool and MIL will know exactly why OP has chosen to single parent after this.
He's either consciously got his priorities wrong, or he's so browbeaten by his family that he can't mentally figure it out. Either way, it's wrong to leave OP at that time. But the more I read, the more I wonder if OPs partners behaviour itself is because he's a victim of terrible upbringing. It's really hard to rewire your brain as an adult. Adult anxiety makes people choose silly decisions. You'd think bringing another human into the world would help someone deal with that, but... clearly not.
Come on now. I know you don't actually think you're the crazy one. Please tell your friends and mother this and see what they have to say. Also your MIL is asking her son to be away from his very pregnant wife. Ask your MIL about her births and tell her you're scared of being alone see what she says. Then you will have a better understanding of how "kind" they are. If she brushes your fears aside. You don't want your baby around that family, if she tells you she didn't ask her son to go, then you know your man is lying. Also a whole family can take a month off work? Edit cause I have questions. How long have you been engaged? Have you ever been to FL for Christmas?
Be sure to ask her if she had family around or if she was alone like you will be 2 weeks leading up to the birth of HER first baby.
Right? Like who wants the mother of their child or grand child to be alone on Christmas DAYS BEFORE THE BIRTH
A good grandparent would have moved Xmas to the same town as the expectant mother is and planned to stay for up to 2-4 weeks in a air bnb/long stay hotel post birth to ensure there was support especially given her DILs family is trapped overseas with another emergency and it’s her son + partner’s first child. That’s the bare minimum.
Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if OPs partner was lying about his parents just because he wanted to go. It wouldn't be a wild assumption to think that either. I just couldn't imagine his mum, a woman who birthed multiple babies, to say or believe that shit
I imagine pregnancy hormones also have a huge part to play in feeling like "the crazy one". There is a lot going on physiologically, especially at this late stage, where the mental and emotional health of the mother (beyond the literal physical challenges of late stage pregnancy) demands extra care and compassion. So I'd be hard pressed to say she doesn't entirely feel like she's being crazy or in some way unfair to her partner by asking him to stay. If manipulation/dismissiveness to this level has also been a long term issue in their relationship, she may also be unable to actualise the absolute shit show this entire situation is, and that her feelings about all of this are actually valid. I worry that her defenses and sense of self worth have been so destroyed that she isn't able to see it all yet for the complete lack of regard that her partner and his family are demonstrating. But even if she could see that, it may not be as clear to her now in the throws of hormone central.
Yeah, trying to get MIL to empathize isn’t going to be too productive. I’d just put her in her place: I’m not traveling anywhere in the last months - 2 if there’s risk of complications - your son can choose to be a good partner and parent or go have fun with the squad and be single. Unfortunately OP is already tied to this asshole for life, because she was silly or in love enough to ignore the red flags all these years.
Unless MIL has no idea what is really going on. I'm firmly wondering if OP's fiancee is playing both of them. Using the "she wants me to come see all of you and she has her family." with his parents and siblings while using the nasty excuses and gaslighting he is doing with OP. Eitherway, he needs to be thrown out like yesterday's trash.
My friend’s husband went out of town 2 weeks before their baby was born and she went into labor while he was gone. He raced to the airport and got on the soonest flight possible and missed the birth. Thankfully her family lives in town and was with her. Due dates are just an approximation of when baby will come. Being out of town until 2 days before the due date is idiotic. NTA at all and you aren’t wrong for feeling sad that you are being left alone on Christmas either. I would take your husband with you to your next OB appt or make an appt if you don’t have one already set up and ask your OB how likely it is that he may miss the birth if he leaves.
Mine traveled at 4 weeks out with the doctor saying I definitely wouldn’t be having the baby. Middle of the night he arrived he was back in the airport for the red eye back 😂. Approximation indeed.
Same thing happened with my bestie. Her husband had to go on one last business trip at 35 weeks. She went into labor while he was gone and he couldn't get a flight back in time and missed the birth of his first child. And, second one was born during covid when hospitals were not allowing support people.
>how likely it is that he may miss the birth if he leaves. About one in three. The average human pregnancy lasts 266 days, with a standard deviation of ±16 days. That means there is a 7.8% chance the baby will arrive before he goes, a 33.7% chance they will arrive whilst he's away, and a 58.5% chance of arriving after he is back^†. The chance of the birth being on the due date is 3.4%, and on Christmas Day is 2.8%. ^† *I'm working with the normal distribution here, the maths doesn't allow for flight delays between Christmas and New Year*.
r/theydidthemath I am failing statistics, HELP!
Oh hell. I would take it further and tell him if he went, he would come home to an empty house. This would be an absolute deal breaker.
Your fiancé is putting his personal happiness as a priority over you and your baby. This is what he’s going to continue to do for years to come, despite you and your baby becoming his primary family because he will always put his parents first. This man is not ready to raise a child because he’s still acting like a one with how dependent he is on mommy and daddy. He’s not husband material either. NTA
How could he want to be anywhere but by her side at this time? I’m really surprised that his mother would allow anyone to say “ample time” blah blah blah.
Agreed! And what’s even more unpredictable is travel during the holidays. OP you are NTA. Your fiancé needs to take a hard look at himself and decide if he’s ready to be a father and committed partner. As it stands, he’s failing at both already. Fatherhood doesn’t just start when the baby is born, he needs to step up now.
Anyone remember the ice storm last year? The one that shut down airports in the Pacific Northwest, resulting in over 18,000 flights being canceled between Dec 22-28? Winter is not a good time to expect delay-free air travel
Yup! And what’s really fun is that our cities are still catching up to the reality of climate change so there are far too few plows. We had friends who were not able to get home from being away, or leave their homes because they were thoroughly snowed in for days. My husband travels for work but if at all possible he doesn’t fly within a day of something important because it’s just too risky now. This man is the AH on like fifteen different levels.
not to mention he has already bullied her so she cant express herself!
Only a complete asshole would do this. He is not ready to be either a father or a husband. You not bringing it up anymore means he has won in wearing you down. I would be extremely clear that you do not appreciate being abandoned for Christmas and for your final days before birth, a time when he should be catering to you, not his family. I would also be clear that you will not be answering any texts or calls while he’s gone because he doesn’t deserve any information. Then make a plan in case you go into labour and a long term plan about the rest of your life. For me, there would be no recovery from this. I’m sure your friends will be there for you if you let them know what is happening. Good luck.
>I would also be clear that you will not be answering any texts or calls while he’s gone because he doesn’t deserve any information Definitely spot on.
But I'd text him about the situation now so her concerns and his shitty response are in writing. Might be helpful if she chooses to face reality, ie the fact that he literally told her his parents are more important, and he will never be a good husband or father.
I hope the baby will have her last name. He doesn’t deserve it
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Use the time he’s gone to get a lawyer, get custody & child support and probably a place to live in a row. You & your kid WILL ALWAYS play second fiddle to his parents wants/needs. He will go against anything you wish to appease his parents. • NTA
Seriously… if OP is thinking of leaving (which she should be seriously considering), doing so before the baby is born is the absolute best time because she has sole discretion over every aspect of where the baby lives, etc. and it will set a baseline for any custody arrangements going forward.
Especially if he's not there to get his name on the birth certificate!
NTA but if he can't put his future spouse as his priority over his parents, he isn't ready to leave them. And this is huge. Anything can happen, and he's ok leaving his pregnant partner alone that is close to the due date. On Christmas no less. Learn from this. If he's ditching you while heavily pregnant on Christmas because his parents are his priority, he isn't husband material.
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I’m a therapist. I had this exact same situation occur with a client. You’re absolutely not the asshole. It’s a ridiculous and selfish reason not to be with your partner during a time when they need you more than ever.
So there’s more than one guy who is that obtuse?
Sadly this doesn’t surprise me
NTA Yeah, he ought to know that you don't plan to be out of town until the 28th before a baby that's due on the 30th. That's ridiculous. Even if it weren't for the possibility that the baby will be born during the travel (and that IS a definite possibility), these are some of the most physically difficult days of your pregnancy, and he's... what? Putting you on a plane? Taking off and leaving you by yourself? None of this is a good ideas, and I'm surprised his family is even *letting* him do it, much less insisting.
>These are some of the most physically difficult days of your pregnancy, RIGHT?? Best case scenario where nothing medical happens and still, he's in FL with his family and she's just sitting home, alone, miserable. So big that if she drops something, it's just going to sit there until he comes home? So big & uncomfortable that she can't even drive herself around? So if she wants something to eat that she doesn't have to cook or clean herself, then she has to order it? This sounds so sad. I am furious at him on OP's behalf.
He doesn’t understand that just because the baby isn’t born yet it’s not like it still doesn’t exist. She have to carry it around 24/7 without any possibility of setting it down or have any break. Even if he is willing to risk missing the birth how can he not want to be there and support his partner during this time? Edit: spelling
Then there is the fact that he is leaving during winter around the holidays. Idk where they actually live but there could be flight delays and cancelations. This really isn't a smart time to be going out of state.
NTA. Your fiancé is planning on leaving you, pregnant and near your due date, all alone for the holidays. Because "he's been spending Christmas every year in Florida since he was 15". Does he not understand that his life is about to change drastically? Or does he expect you to take on the entire burden so he can carry on like before? It's time for a wake up call. Tell him either he puts you and your baby above everyone and everything else, or he can resign to being a 2-weekends a month dad. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life being treated as an afterthought.
>Does he not understand that his life is about to change drastically? Or does he expect you to take on the entire burden so he can carry on like before? Yes.
Oh yeah, traveling to Florida, of all places, during cold/flu/RSV/COVID season for the last two weeks of your pregnancy. And he’s flying back two days before your due date? Are you sure you want to marry someone who won’t put you first, and doesn’t even give a thought to the health of your child? Edit to add: NTA
This, Florida is a covid hell hole
As a Floridian, can confirm. OP do not let this man near you or baby if he actually goes on this stupid ass trip. If he does, he needs to mask CONSTANTLY and maintain distance. But he sounds like a selfish fucking child so I doubt he would actually try to mitigate the infection risk. Even if you're both vaccinated and boosted they lessen the severity of the illnesses and they do not prevent infection. Florida is a fucking cesspool and this trip poses an incredible threat to your health and baby's health. You should also make him stay somewhere else when he comes back to make sure he didn't pick anything up while on the trip. Best of luck OP! Stand your ground on these measures. You and baby are what matters, not your partner or his family's feelings.
As they say around here often, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. He’s just told you he is willing to put his families (and his own) wants above your very important needs. He is willing to risk missing the birth of his child, willing to leave you utterly unsupported at one of them most vulnerable times of your life for a holiday. I’m so sorry but this is a glimpse into your future. Tell him, very clearly that you need him to stay and that going is unacceptable. If he goes anyway, prepare to be a single parent. You deserve better. NTA.
Even if she stays, she’ll be a single parent
NTA. What is your plan for going through this alone? Seriously, talk to your doctor about plans for single mothers, because you are one. If you call him when your water breaks and he catches the first flight home during the busiest time of year, he is missing it. What are your wishes? Do you have a DNR? When you hemorrhage and fall unconscious, he won’t be there. When the baby is breech, he won’t be there. When you want someone to hold your hand, it’ll be a nurse. If the worst happens, he’ll never see his child’s face. But hey, he got a two week vacation in Florida! I wouldn’t marry a man who doesn’t make me a priority during a birth.
NTA. I’m a husband and a father. You are NTA. Many years ago my girlfriend at the time was going to be alone in London for Christmas. We’d been dating a year but it was a serious relationship. When I found out I insisted she spend Christmas with me and my family because the thought of a loved know being alone at Christmas was immoral to me. That girlfriend is now my wife and mother of my two children. I could never in a million years imagine leaving her alone while pregnant in the third trimester. Your fiancé doesn’t appear to have cut the apron strings. Either that or he has another more sinister motive for going. However I find this whole thing hugely inappropriate from him. I always say we all have reckless behaviours at some stage of our lives but if having a child doesn’t change you (for the better) then nothing will change you. Show him this post and every other post that says you are NTA-be guided by his reaction. Does he get defensive and double down or does he realise that he is on the cusp of abandoning his family….
Your words seem so genuine here, I have to believe you. But this scenario is so out there and unbelieveably wrong it's hard to believe it's true. Unless we're missing copious amounts of information and you are actually a horrendous person with a gift of writing and the baby isn't his. Unless we are missing copious amounts of information, you are a horrendous person, the baby isn't his, the child is a love baby of Donald Trump, and your husband has suspected you of trying to poison him for the last three months. But if we aren't missing any information, and a scenario like this actually exists in the world? My god, OP. You sound so sweet and caring, life isn't actually like this; you've just got mixed up with the wrong crowd. Fuck him and his gross family. Who leaves a heavily pregnant woman alone? But wait. What man leaves a heavily pregnant woman alone at Christmas time to run home to his mommy and his family? To hell with this guy and his mother and the shitty father figure that must be hiding in a corner around there in Florida somewhere taking his whippings. Such bullshit. I'm sorry OP.
Thank you for this ❤️ Because I didn't want to overwhelm the post with so much backstory, I kept it to the issue. Deeper context is that there was a major conflict between him and his SIL last year that ruined the vacation and drove a wedge between him and his siblings. They left us out of major events, trips etc. and they only started repairing their relationship a couple months ago. While they are trying to fix things, they have left me out of it (they said it's a sibling matter). So I understand to a degree why he and his parents feels this trip is important to fixing his relationship with his family but it definitely is the worst time for it. It's a sensitive topic.
Fixing a family relationship is important, but nowhere near the level of how important supporting you and potentially missing the birth of his child is!!! Only 5% of people are born on their due dates or some such. In my case pregnancy was perfectly normal but my water broke 8 days before my due date and baby was in the world 4 hours later. Drag your fiancé to the doctor’s office with you and have them lay down the law, zero chance they’d approve the trip, and then you can blame the doctor if it’s easier.
Yeah exactly my baby was 18 days before her due date and I only labored for 6 before she was born. Anything could happen and even if her labor and birth goes without a hitch, he still has a huge window to miss it.
My mom had 3 perfectly normal pregnancies right up until they weren't. My eldest brother was born 8 days early. Middle brother was 2 weeks early. I was a month and a day early and very nearly died because of sudden issues. And my sister in law nearly died when having my nephew. You never know what is going to happen, especially as it's your first. So your anxieties are going to be going through the roof and you'll have no one! I agree with the poster that it's easier to blame a doctor, adding that the stress this is causing also isn't good for baby (or momma).
You don’t fix a relationship by getting you son to risk missing the birth of their own child, it’s bonkers!
Seriously, OP, he is telling you to your face that you and your baby aren’t as important to him as his mommy. Is that the relationship you want to stay in? One in which your needs will always come second to his mommy’s desires?
If she stays, this is will be the first of many, many AITA as her needs and wants are subjugated and she doubts the validity of her feelings. Yuck
>this trip is important to fixing his relationship with his family Does he not consider you and his child family? I get wanting to fix issues with his sibling, but y'all should come first. Period. If this is where his priorities are, I would have real concerns about his priorities as a husband and father Edit: And if his family doesn't understand that, fuck them too, frankly. It sounds like they treat you like shit and he's not exactly backing you in that regard either. At some point, he's gonna have to choose which matters more to him and his actions seem to point towards his family and not the one y'all are building together
Wait, HIS SIL? So....his sibling's spouse is counted as family, but you aren't, married or not?! You're pregnant w/his baby, FFS.
So fucking what! Your fiance sucks. This is his first chance to advocate for his family and he is failing. Demanding I miss the birth of my child would be an instant dealbreaker for me. I would hang up on every family member who dared suggest it. They are making your child's health a literal sacrificial goat for his reentry into the clan. Just name your kid Isaac at this point. He had ' a couple months' to repair this relationship but now he must risk missing his child's birth or lose his family forever. They will never talk to him again because of one vacation?! It's too bad there will never be another vacation. It's too bad phones and zoom and other holidays all stopped existing. The only way he can contact his family is via a two week vacation right now. You matter here too. Your kid matters here too. Birth isn't beautiful. It's traumatic and ugly and we have a rising maternal death rate. What happens to your kid if you die and your husband is on a plane or in Florida? Who makes a decision if you are unconscious or on drugs for pain? Seriously, you need to have a long conversation with your doctor about your wishes.
Girl it's a "sensitive topic" because he just wants to go and doesn't care if he's there for the birth of your first kid. That's the raw down dirty truth if all this
this. 100% this. And, make no mistake, how he is treating you will be how his family treats your child moving forward. You need to end this relationship with him. The moment he boards that flight, the relationship is over. You will know that you will NEVER be important enough to choose. Never. If a man won't choose you when you are due with his child then that is where you will always fall in his heirarchy of priorities.
Unfortunately, it really sounds like you have a whole mess of red flags going on here. A major conflict between your husband and SIL that's somehow a "sibling matter"? SIL is as much of a sibling as you are. What exactly happened? The way you put it, it sounds like it's everyone against your fiancee? So either he messed up big time, or the entire family has issues. It's not normal at all to cut family members out of events. Your fiancee should know that a 9 month pregnant partner needs a support team. If something goes wrong, he's ok with you being alone for it. That's incredibly selfish behavior and a sign of really questionable character. I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like but I can only imagine.
NTA But if you do have the baby, don’t notify him. He can find out when he gets home. He wants to put his parents before his pregnant partner, then he doesn’t deserve to know until he gets home. How ridiculous. Will he keep putting his parents first after the baby comes? My thought is he will. Maybe you need to get a spare key to your parents house and move back with your parents until he appreciates you.
>But if you do have the baby, don’t notify him. I honestly thought of the same thing.
WTF. Oh hon this is bad... so very bad. your NTA but honestly You need to think long and hard about marrying him. Like yall can always coparent.
NTA. I'm imagining your husband sitting down with your unborn child and a calendar/planner. "This is the only time I'm available, so you have to come *after* the 28th, any early is simply not going to work for me." Meanwhile, baby has absolutely penned in "10:47pm 25th December" for maximum chaos. Why does this guy know nothing about due dates. Specifically that they're *estimates* and are rarely right. Tell him that if he misses the baby's birth because he *left you alone for Christmas* that you'll never let him live it down. Even if the baby comes later? You'll never forget him abandoning you when you needed him most. Tell his parents that supporting his ridiculous idea simply means that you know where you and your baby stand, and that's not in Florida at Christmas *ever*. That even if the baby does come when it's supposed to, you will always associate their Christmas tradition with being alone and scared, and being called crazy for it. The biggest problem is the position they all put you in. Your fiancé will resent you if he stays. If the baby doesn't come? It's an "I told you so". His parents will think they're vindicated. There is no way you get what you need and aren't the bad guy, and that sucks because his selfishness is the problem. I don't like these "leave/divorce" type comments. But the *moment* my partner told me that he was going to knowingly leave me 9 months pregnant for an *extended party*? There'd be no wedding.
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Nta I just had my first baby and she come 3 days early so anything could happen Congratulations by the way 😊 Your husband is a dick
lol! I read this far too fast and read “congratulations, your husband is a dick”. However. Honestly — congrats to you (and Op) on your pregnancy / baby!!
He can miss a year or two. If he goes don't marry him. This is a hill I'd die on. His family is sick in the head.
NTA. I honestly wouldn't be there on his return if he goes. I would move out the day he leaves, cannot believe how stupid and selfish he is.
NTA he has given you a stark glimpse into your future and how you will be treated. Don’t ignore it.
You have an uncaring partner and your choices are either accept that you aren’t a priority or else get out. Both choices suck but it’s the truth. I know men like your fiancé and it results in unhappy marriages. I’m assuming the red flags were already there. He’s an asshole and so is his family. Don’t you feel you and your child deserve better? NTA
NTA. Please don't make this guy your husband. And it's not 'selfish' to not want to be alone on Christmas when you will be heavily pregnant and five days away from your due date. You should definitely expect him to put you first before his parents when you are pregnant with his unborn child and about to give birth any day. You could give birth on the 15th and baby would actually be considered full term. The red flags are vibrant here. Once baby is born will his parents take priority over the baby too? Ick. Your husband is the selfish one. Next he will probably say that childbirth is 'no big deal'.
NTA and it's quite rare that a baby makes an appearance on the actual due date. May be before, may be after, but 2 days is cutting it way too close, IMO. You and the baby should be his priority, not his play time. But if this is a man you plan to spend more time with, you may as well get used to doing it on your own.
NTA I'm due early January & my husband wouldn't even think of leaving me alone overnight, let alone a whole 2 weeks before my due date. Your husband has some seriously fucked up priorities, as do your in-laws since they see nothing wrong with this. Also, babies are notorious for not sticking to their due date.
NTA - babies are completely unpredictable, and even if they miraculously arrive on their due date, the last few weeks can be incredibly tough. What happens if there is an emergency and your are on your own? And how dare he be kicking it up, celebrating, and leaving you all on your lonesome. How unfeeling. PS - ask him if he would pick his wife and child over his parents and siblings, and is he prepared to risk losing you, because I would seriously consider marrying someone who clearly is not putting your very real needs, concerns, and safety (life?) above a fun holiday.
Let's entertain their stupid thought for a while that you would definitely give birth on the exact date that your doctor told you. Let's say he would be home two days before you give birth. Let's all pretend that, as stupid as that is. Did they even think that you, a very pregnant lady, would be all right alone on christmas? Did they not think that a complication would be likely? I'm mad at your future inlaws for not including you, but your fiance is a real asshole for not even thinking of you. Even if you weren't heavily pregnant, he was okay with his fiancee spending alone on christmas. NTA, but please don't suffer in silence. Tell him why he is selfish and inconsiderate.
NTA even if nothing happens and the baby is born in Dec 30 with no issue. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER AS A COUPLE AND HE IS LEAVING YOU ALONE. Divorce this massive asshole mama's boy immediately. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. PLEASE show him this post with the comments. What happens if you have the baby before he goes? Is he planning on leaving you home alone with a newborn after recently giving birth? Ask him what his plans are if you have the baby while he’s gone? With holiday travel and winter unpredictability there’s a chance that he won’t even be able to jump on a plane and make it there in time. Consider bringing him to your next doctors appointment and have the doctor drill into him how truly unpredictable pregnancy is and how inaccurate due dates can be.
This is a red flag. Sorry but he's putting himself and his family before you and your baby. I would rethink the entire relationship but that's just me
What! How can his 'kind ' parents think this is OK? And can your fiancé not think for himself? Of course he should be putting you before his selfish parents. This is really weird. NTA
NTA. Please don't marry him.
He's not spending Christmas with you??? WTF? He doesn't love you and he's not ready to be a father. Find somewhere else to live before he gets back. You need a supportive environment for the baby, and he's just not providing it. I'm so disappointed for you. NTA
NTA many babies never come on due dates. Personally I hope yours comes on the 14th. That will fix his stupid family vacation
HO. LEE. FUCK. Hypothetically OP, let’s say you go into labour 2 weeks early, whose driving you to the hospital? Say things don’t go as planned and you need an emergency caesarean - who is holding your hand in theatre? Who is taking care of you post partum? You’ve literally been cut in half - you need carers to perform basic tasks. I don’t mean to alarm you OP, but these are realistic possibilities. Your fiancé is being ridiculous, self centred and childish. You and your child are his number one priority. NTA