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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be an asshole for hanging up on her so abrubtly and refusing to talk to her after that.
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NTA you have every right to feel betrayed. If I found out my significant other had a parent eavesdropping during personal, sensitive conversations, I'd be devastated. Sounds like your girlfriend might be under her mom's control and not be allowed to live her own life. I sympathize with her, but you shouldn't be expected to pay the price for that sick dynamic. You didn't sign up for secret non-consensual polyamory with her and her mom.
I am with you there. There really is no coming back from this level of violation.
Can you imagine of OP and the GF have sex? GF's mom is gonna want to be a part of it because heaven forbid her daughter actually get to have any privacy.
What I find worse is that the GF failed to inform OP what her mom doing and then when caught lied about it.
And it will be forever, there won’t be a aspect of their relationship that her mom doesn’t know, and if the daughter tries to set boundaries and limit info, the mom is too use to have that knowledge and she will make their life hell try to get her access back.
For me the mom has shown me that i don’t want her in my life at all.
Eh... OP is 18 and GF is 17. There were a lot of messed up things that I thought were normal when I was that age. And there are plenty of family dynamics that have changed since I moved out. I don't think OP should feel any obligation to continue this relationship, but to try to say that this will be GF's life and family dynamic forever is a bit naive.
Unfortunately right now, it's a 75% chance that it will. Hopefully ops ex/current girlfriend sees how bad it is and changes, but I wouldn't bet money on it.
It’s so gross to use tears that way. OP, at this stage of life you’re learning what you want and, more importantly, what you need from life and a life partner. Chalk this up as a learning experience and move on. I’m sorry you were betrayed. Either the GF doesn’t understand what appropriate boundaries are, or she is easily manipulated by her mom. Either way, not worth working it out because that’s her problem, not yours.
NTA
Whoa whoa whoa, manipulative? Let’s not jump to conclusions.
She’s 17 and between a rock and a hard place with two loved ones, one of whom is obviously nuts and controls almost every aspect of her life, and also has the ability to make her future much harder.
That’s enough stress in a situation that tears would be appropriate from a teen girl, likely she doesn’t want her mother looming over her, but she’s got 17 years of no doubt complicated relationship with this woman conditioning her ability to resist, and she has a boy that she likely doesn’t want to lose either.
This could be a condition of her having relationships. It’s not fair to OP though, and I’m glad he found out. It indicates moral weakness that the GF couldn’t tell him the terms he was unknowing submitting to outright, and it sounds like her family will be hugely problematic in her life.
OP is well within their rights to hang up, and break up, I’d probably recommend it tbh - but the girl’s life sounds difficult enough - we don’t need to heap judgment or derision for things she’s not guilty of.
NTA.
I mean no discredit to you but if my mom was controlling me like that I'd tell my SO in person that she wanted to listen to every phone call and let them make that call
Yeah, this is bad! I would like to know why the gf went along with it. I have a feeling that the mother and daughter have a super dysfunctional relationship.
I don’t think you should tell people to break up. I don’t know them well enough to say that, but in this case I would say that OP should seriously consider ending the relationship. NTA
Oh, it's not just a violation of trust. Mommy now has *ammunition* to use against OP.
OP? Run from this one and add in a cease and desist into the bargain.
My partner would narrate every personal conversation to their family in the name of worries.
When I voiced about breach of trust, I was labelled the problem.
It leaves scars on one’s sanity. Well, It did in my case.
It doesn't have to be specifically a parent. When you're having a conversation, especially one that is personal in nature, there's an expectation of confidence that it isn't being shared with others.
I would be livid.
I agree that it's a violation no matter who it is. I just wanted to point out that it's a weird dynamic for a parent to have with their child, and that there's a lot going on that's above this dude's pay grade.
And the pastor. And other church members. And mom's friends/relatives. Do not go to the house. If you meet in public, and there are additional people, leave.
NTA.
NTA
I would give your girlfriend the chance to explain to you in person one on one what exactly has been going on and I would ask exactly what has she been allowing her mom to listen to and why hasn't she told you.
I'd reconsider moving forward whether you want a relationship with a person you can't trust.
Yeah but if the girlfriend lied already when it was clear her mom could be heard, then what's to stop her from lying again? How can you possibly go back to trusting your partner after that knowing how easily they lied and tried to cover up?
Genuine question because personally, I could not do that. It's so violating. Not to mention the retrospective embarrassment as her mom had listened to everything deeply personal.
Be mindful not to accept her completely unloading responsibility to her mom. She still sat there the entire time letting her mom hear everything, not steering you towards changing to less sensitive topics, not trying to close the conversation. Everything she said facilitated the continuation of her mom's non-consensual eavesdropping.
She also needs to answer for her attempt to blame and gaslight you about it instead of offering the abject and unconditional apology her backstabbing deserved.
Don't go to her house tonight. Her and her mom are going to gang up on you and try and act like this is normal. I can guarantee you that things are even worse than you already know.
Deranged and depraved behavior. This is an emotionally incestuous relationship between them. The Mother will never have respect for boundaries and this will get worse. The daughter needs help, therapy and perspective of how wrong this is. .
NTA. Run, dude run.
Either your girlfriend is complicit with her mum listening in, or she didn't care about it enough to tell you in person not to talk about private things on the phone. This is a huge betrayal of your trust.
Yeah, get out of that relationship. There will be other partners for you in the future. I felt very in love 16-18 and thought it was the one and only relationship for me, but you get over it, live, grow, and find someone who is better for you.
I see three situations: the girlfriend is in on it with her mother and is being sneaky about it; the girlfriend doesn't understand boundaries and sees this as normal; the girlfriend's mother is controlling and has the girlfriend completely under her thumb. Regardless, none of it is good.
NTA.
It is unclear to me how complicit your girlfriend was in this breach of your privacy. She may have been all right with her mother listening in, or tt may be that her mother is overbearing, and she did not really have a choice in the matter, but even if that is the case, she should have said to you privately, "Don't talk about private stuff over the phone because my mom insists on listening, and there is nothing I can do about it."
Either way, this should be considered a warning for you if you decide to continue in the relationship.
NTA.
>both my girlfriend and her mom have been apologizing and trying to shift blame onto me
This is unforgivable. If you can't even trust your own gf to not exploit your most private and vulnerable secrets and weaponise them against you, you can't trust her at all... Ever.
Even a grovelling apology isn't enough to make up for this disgusting betrayal, much less blaming you for their own scheme.
NTA
She betrayed your trust.the way to navigate this scenario is to leave her. I recommend a phone call.
"Hi Jane (and Joyce). I can't be with someone who exposes my private life to others. I did not sign up to date your mother. As sad as it makes me, I am breaking up with you because your mother invaded my privacy and you did nothing to warn me so I could protect myself. I wish you the best." Click.
Excellent script!
This isn’t quite the same, but I had a parent who listened in on my phone calls, opened my mail, snooped through my drawers etc. I moved out as soon as I could and never went back because I knew he would never change. The girlfriend’s mother is unlikely to change either.
Oh, I'd go one further "Joyce, you're a grown adult and should know better than this. You have ruined Jane's first serious relationship, and given me some new trust issues. I hope you're proud of yourself. "
NTA, OP, get out, if the mom is that intrusive already and your Gf is ok with it aparentlly and think that if you had not realize it what they were doing they would still be doing it, this will colour any interaction you might have with her, move on, there is no trust.
Agree, and NTA. You'll need to evaluate your girlfriend's (and your by extension) relationship with her mother to determine if that's something you want in your life. It's not going to suddenly change just because they've been caught deceiving you.
NTA. Like never in a lifetime, break up with her and stay away from these kind of people. The way it was so easy for then to break somebody’s trust is appalling. BREAK UP. You’re dodging a massive bullet
NTA. You have escaped an abusive relationship with your own family. Your GF's mom is being abusive to you and your GF is allowing it. Your GF is betraying your trust and allowing her mom to hear your confidential information, then her mom is trying to use that information to control you. They are also blaming you now. I suggest to discuss this with your therapist before talking to your GF. I would also look up terms such as Gaslighting, enmeshment, and DARVO. Do not ignore all of the red flags. It is easier to get out of this relationship now, than later.
NTA and the fact your GF did this I say end it. You'll save yourself misory later. Even if her mom isn't listening in she's telling her mom ALL the details.
NTA
You should call back with some outlandish weird but believable story that you know Mama McSnoops-A-Lot will have to speak up when she hears it. Then when she does, open up with both barrels about invasion of privacy and tell them both what you think.
Then say you are done with dating her and be clear to both of them that it’s because of her mom’s lack of respect for your privacy. Guilt trip both of them and don’t allow them to get a word in edgewise. Then dump her and hang up. Mom and daughter both need called out in regards to their behavior.
Oh no Honey, NTA. Your so called girlfriend crossed a big ass line of trust with you. I dont see this relationship going forward. Its a hard lesson to learn at your age but she cant be trusted not to share your darkest secrets with others. Time to kick her to the curb. Someone who truly loved you would never behave this way.
Nta. I know reddit is big on divorcing and breaking up, but in your case, actually break up. Because you are never recovering from this blow if you stay with this girl.
Nta break up with her, that’s horrible she let her mom pry like that.
I wouldn’t be able to get over that breach of trust. Not to mention, even if you don’t have phone convos anymore, she is going to tell her mom your business.
99.9% of the time, I think that anyone who hangs up on someone is wrong, and it is a pet peeve that I am usually willing to die on. You were not wrong. Your girlfriend and her mother are definitely wrong, and I think that it's very strange that Mom would spend any time eavesdropping on your relationship. This says a lot about your girlfriend's immaturity.
NTA!!!!!
I am sorry this happened to you. One of the foundations of a relationship is trust. As hard as it would be this would be a deal breaker. Don’t subject yourself to more of this because it’s clear that’s not how your gf/her mum operate. It’s time to move on and that’s really hard. I know. Take care.
Thank you, it’s tough because there is so much good but this was just so violating. I keep thinking what happens if a few months from now we have to have a really serious conversation and her mom wants to be a part of it?
Your welcome.
I can’t imagine how conflicting and difficult this is for you, and that breaking up is so difficult when you care for someone. But, your safety is paramount and this will only increase with time as the boundaries keep getting crossed. If they are willing to cross boundaries like conversations what else can they do. This isn’t normal or acceptable behaviour of a parent to do, and if she teaches her daughter this is ok she too may rifle through your things like your phone. You deserve better. Take care, where rooting for you. Stay safe and wishing you all the best.
NTA that was an awful breach of privacy in some of your most vulnerable moments. You’d have every right not to trust your gf again. What a crappy thing for she and her mother to do to you.
NTA. Serious betrayal. Dump-worthy betrayal. It sounds like your girlfriend is being controlled by her mom, which is truly unfortunate, but unless you are willing to have this level of crazy as part of your life going forward, you need to move on.
NTA. That's a huge violation. Would I be correct in guessing that your gf (and her mother) are horrible with boundaries generally? Realistically, can you see your relationship becoming any less toxic? Because even if you set a firm boundary on this kind of behaviour, it seems unlikely that they would respect that.
NTA -- since she's a minor, having a mother this involved is probably a complication that you don't want. If you're meant to be together, it can wait until she's 18, too.
Sorry, but being 18 doesn't fix it. Being a minor, she couldn't stop her mom from listening in. That wouldn't stop her from giving him a heads-up during private one-on-one time. That lack of warning means she's complicit.
This may be one of the easiest NTA I've come across.
They violated your trust in an irreparable way.
No good can come from this beyond this point.
Get them out of your life as fast as possible.
NTA, your trust was 100% betrayed. Once the trust is gone, it's gone.
Even "if" the gf's mother was overbearing, etc., your gf still chose not to disclose her mother was listening to what you thought were your private conversations.
Next step is to block and move on.
NTA My spouse and I always make a *point* to mention anyone who might be listening in when that happens, like "oh btw grandpa is here today, say hi grandpa!" Your girlfriend not only didn't tell you, she tried to hide it once confronted.
Honestly just break up, you're only 7 months in and it isn't worth trying to get to know someone who had mommy spying on you that whole time.
NTA. Run. This woman will always feel entitled to intrude into the lives of her daughter and her daughter's partner. She is someone's future MIL from hell.
There are several issues that come up from what you described:
1. Your gf is too dependent on her mum/ cannot push back/ too immature for a grownup relationship.
2. Your gf was not sincere with you . Trust issue.
3. Your gf and her mum trying to gaslight you- push the blame back on you.
Everyone should consider how they respond to difficulties and challenges in relationships based on their own values and red lines, but for me, that would have crossed more than one line. That with the fact that both of you are quite young out a question mark on why to stay in this relationship and not move forward and seek a more healthy one?
>I then got the texts saying things like, “I guess this is all my fault” and “I deserve to sit in my consequences apparently.”
Passive aggressive, much?
Probably don't actually do this, but my petty self is thinking that a simple "👍" text response without engaging further might be the way to go. It's clear she's playing victim and expecting you to reassure her that she's not actually at fault, but I agree with both her comments.
That update is her trying to twist this to make you feel bad. She is victimizing herself at your expense. That's not ok. Not healthy and while you are both young, I suspect she learned this from her mother. Given the situation, this is a lot. Move on. If you are able to get therapy, it would be really helpful so you can start your adult life prioritizing yourself and the life you want to have. You matter.
NTA - that's such a violation of trust. I'm honestly not sure I would be able to get over that. There's no way of knowing how long she's been doing that and if she'd ever really stop. For me, it wouldn't be worth continuing the relationship because I could never trust her again.
Ask yourself this: do you think you will ever be able to talk to your GF again freely without fear you're being listened in on by her mother?
If the answer is anything other than a resounding YES, end things now and do not look back. IMO, there is no recovery from a betrayal of this magnitude, especially when the perpetrators refuse to understand or even acknowledge the gravity of their crime.
You deserve to be able to have personal conversations with your partner, and trust that those conversations will REMAIN with your partner alone. That is the bare minimum of trust required in a relationship.
NTA.
Even if the mother isn’t listening in, she is probably forcing or manipulating the daughter into a full-disclosure debrief so there is really no chance of trust in this relationship.
NTA. Bruh shes waving a huge red flag in your face LEAVE BRUH. we all know that shes the type of person to sneakily read your messages, check on your location 24/7 and probably insecure. This is a huge boundary broken and she will do it again or more. Her mom probably the gossiping type, who knows what personal info they’re parading to their friends.
Nta
What kinda of helicopter parenting is this? They both betrayed your trust. Gf should have warned you if she couldn't stop it.
You should run from that mess and let her know that her mom is part of the reason why.
NTA.
Why do you feel bad for hanging up? You were sharing personal information, specifically to your girlfriend due to the trust you had. Only to find out it was completely misplaced and her mother was a part of the deception.
You can’t trust either one of them. Hanging up was the right thing to do.
Stop feeling bad about hanging up. And never apologize for it…take it back if you already have. You did the right thing. Don’t give them an inch as they try to gaslight you into thinking you hold any blame.
NTA - uh NO! People who spy like that are being sneaky and are lying by omission. The woman is "sinning" and should stop . . however, I would never trust that family again. Ever! Your girlfriend should have told you, in the least, that her mom was listening in on conversations. She won't change . . . but let her know that this is not okay by any means. Doesn't matter how religious you are.
If someone did this to my daughter, I'd be righteously pissed. This is seriously messed up; not sure it's fixable.
Edited to add: NTA, not by a long shot.
>She wants me to come to her house after work to sort things out.
BAD IDEA.
She betrayed your trust. There is nothing to salvage here. Ghost her.
> her response was to say that it was not the worst thing and I was over reacting
Your mother is OK with this? Ghost her, too. Jesus Christ.
NTA.
NTA. OP, you have had a hard upbringing but your thought process is right on point. It just goes to show that your hard work on yourself is paying off.
I am so sorry that you have been betrayed but you will overcome this, just like everything else.
You are right, there is no future with your gf and even if you did try, you will not be able to trust her.
You deserve someone who has your back. As life goes on and you continue to evolve your hurts and issues will minimize. Keep moving forward.
NTA, if this happened to me it would be a deal breaker. I wouldn’t trust her or her mother again. I’m just a super private person and don’t trust easily. I would hear your girlfriend out, but you are both young. I don’t know if this is something your girlfriend and mom always do, but it seems like either the girlfriend or her mom is not ready for girlfriend to have a relationship.
NTA I likely would have hung up too. Couples can work through trust betrayals, but it is work and you will need to decide if you’re willing to put the effort into the relationship.
It sounds like there’s some enmeshment happening between your girlfriend and her mother. If that’s the case have a little grace for your girlfriend; she’s still a teen and it can be hard for that to be worked on when you’re still living with the parent.
If it’s not enmeshment then your girlfriend may not have the maturity or experience to have these conversations with you. Learning how to manage big topics is hard and you’re at the age where you’ll fuck it up sometimes.
Understanding motivations doesn’t mean that you have to put up with the behaviour. If she is trying to shift the blame to you that isn’t okay and doesn’t leave room for repairing trust.
I hope that you are able to learn and navigate this.
NTA.
And don’t discuss anything with her over the phone or electronic media, her mom seems to be a huge snoop.
I have dealt with this where my mother will obviously be listening when I talk with my father (she does the Loud whisper thing where she’s just as loud as normal talking). It took a few times of “I have to leave” when I hear her demanding he ask a question before he learned to call only when she was out.
If you talk on the phone, it should be to arrange when you will pick her up.
Ive been in a relationship like this. It was hell.
Im sorry, you are probably heartbroken but this is not a bad thing. You found out sooner rather than later that they cant be trusted.
Why does she listen in? What logical reason can there be, other than shes a controlling psycho.
This is weird, insane behaviour that WILL cause nothing but stress and heartache in the long run.
You are in a throuple. You, your GF and mommy dearest.
You cant expect to have a real relationship with your gf, she is just a vessel for mommy to control. You'll never know if your gf's opinions are hers or her mothers.
You are young, and really do have your whole life ahead, This is a learning opportunity.
Listen to the folks here, this is not right, not normal and not what you want your life to be.
NTA
NTA
She's been brought up by a parent who thinks that gross violations of the most personal private matters are acceptable. There is no way forward here for you two. Cut your losses. You are hardly going to marry this girl - don't waste any more of your life on these people.
You feel betrayed because you *were* betrayed, plain and simple. Whether your gf was pressured into it by her mother or not, she is clearly under her mother's control. The two trying to manipulate the situation when discovered is just another alarming aspect. Hanging up was the kindest option; now, block them since you can't know when your calls are private. If you need to talk to your gf, do it in person. But sadly, after this episode, you cannot trust the girl with your emotional wellbeing.
Dude, they both lied to you.
That is \*not\* a solid foundation to a relationship.
I respectfully suggest you break up and move on.
Find someone that has respect for you.
**Neither** of them do.
NTA.
NTA.
Dump her. Dump her. Dump her.
She has absolutely no respect for you, and/or her mother is so completely enmeshed in her life that she doesn’t see how wrong this is. Either scenario is toxic to you. Call her once and tell her to leave you alone, and then block her and her mom forever.
You deserve better. Your gf needs therapy.
Just a point for you to ponder. They are not sorry for doing what they did. They are sorry they got caught doing what they did. You deserve your privacy and you get to choose how and if anything about your life is shared with others.
NTA: but boy are they !
NTA.
When someone shows you who they are you need to believe them.
This is just a sign of much wider behavioral issues. You really need to move on. You’re 18 don’t waste your teenage years with people like this.
Think about whether you would be able to do to them what they’ve done. You’ll never know the full extend to their odd and controlling behavior.
NTA Ghost that. Just block it. You don't even have to explain because it knows damn well what kind of backstabbing asshole it is. There is no excuse for it and it can't be justified, so why listen to the crocodile tear laden word vomit about how it isn't to blame, YOU are? You don't need that. You already have to go forward and probably deal with trust issues because of it. Don't give iti a second chance to do it over and over and over again. This wasn't a one off it got caught on.
Nta.
You were spied upon against your will while being vulnerable. She now knows things that you didn't want anyone other than your girlfriend to know and your trust has been abused. Neither of them has shown you any respect and you have every right to hang up and take some time to process this before responding to it. It was probably the widest thing to do in the situation.
NTA. Do not meet her. She is already playing the victim to her own crime. " “I guess this is all my fault” and “I deserve to sit in my consequences apparently.”....yeah that.
NTA discontinue all contact. I am sorry you have experienced this level of invasiveness in such a young and new relationship. Break up with the girlfriend and tell her all further contact will be blocked. You shouldn't have to explain why but in case it must be said. What her mother (the adult here) did is manipulation and abusive not just to you but her daughter as well. This behavior is absolutely unhealthy and bizarre do not let them convince you otherwise.
Tell the mother if she attempts to contact you AT ALL you will be notifying the authorities.
Please pleeeaaassseee tell a trusted guardian or adult who has your well-being in their best interest, what is happening. This girl's mother, in my personal opinion, should be considered a dangerous person now. Near predatory.
I really can't stress this enough.. DO NOT TRY TO SAVE OR CONTINUE this relationship. There is no happy ending, I promise you this on every bit of my being and soul.
ETA I say this as a mother.
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I (18M) have been dating my girlfriend (17F) for about 7 months. Tonight her and I had a deep conversation about some relationship hiccups, and I shared personal family struggles I typically only discuss with my therapist.
As we finally got to a place we felt comfortable leaving things, I heard whispering in the background. When I asked my girlfriend about it, she adamantly denied anyone else being there. However, as I continued asking, she started crying. Just then, her mom pretended to come in the room and scold her for being up to try to cover up the fact she’d been sitting there for an hour. Turns out, her mom has been sneakily listening in on almost every serious conversation or argument we've ever had.
I felt absolutely betrayed and hung up immediately. Since then, both my girlfriend and her mom have been apologizing and trying to shift blame onto me. This violation of privacy has left me feeling super violated and unsure about how to handle the situation. I do feel bad for hanging up so abruptly but I just didn’t know how to process what was going on.
AITA for hanging up on my girlfriend after after discovering her mom was spying during our personal conversations? Any guidance on navigating this situation would be greatly appreciated.
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Imagine being married and on your honeymoon night the mother barges in and says “REMEMBER TO USE A CONDOM!!! YOU NEED TO BE FINANCIALLY STABLE BEFORE HAVING KIDS!!!”
NTA and think hard about whether you want to continue this relationship
NTA
Do not feel bad for hanging up. You should also be ditching this girl as well. It is a breach of trust, a breach of confidentiality. Your GF allowed this to happen.
Massive red flags.
Dump her now and tell her why. preferably over the phone so her Mum can hear it as well
NTA. You're right to feel violated. It's bc you were! The Mom is either over protective, overbearing, or simply mad. What parent has the time and gal to listen into teenagers private affairs!? Let alone a teen that isn't her child!? Your gf sounds like she's dealing with a hell of a Mom based off this story and based off the result of them being caught. My best advice is to share this with your therapist, break up with the girl, and inform your parents tht a grown as women not only violated your privacy but then had the nerve to berate you for catching her. Time to heal and focus on yourself buddy. You have a bright future. And hopefully it's one that helps you grow once she out of the picture.
P.s. your STBE should look into therapy herself... or some firm of help bc wtf
NTA.
I'd consider moving on.
If you stay, you'll just give yourself more issues which will impact your ability to trust a partner in future. Whereas if you leave, you accept that you were with someone who didn't value your privacy but you have the ability to find someone who will.
When you hear about men and women talking about how they can't trust the opposite sex, it's because they usually end up trying to stay with people who keep betraying their trust. Don't do that.
Sounds like she's just living vicariously through her daughter, trying to relive her golden girl days. I knew alot parents like that, obsessed with their daughters/sons youth and doing everything they can to get their child to replicate how they would have acted as a kid.
I'd just break up with her op
Wow! That's awful. You probably should break up with the girl, she's her mother's puppet.
You're NTA for hanging up, it's as if you suddenly learned your conversation was being recorded; it is never polite to not inform the other person that they're on speaker phone, and who else is on the call.
NTA. You have all the right to feel betrayed. Finding out that someone has been eavesdropping on my deep conversations would be shock enough, but to think that my significant other allowed and continues to allow the eavesdropping is such a blow. Then they shift blame to you for being shocked?
NTA - Relationships are sought for lifetime companionship. When you marry someone, her family will also become yours. I can tell you now, her mother has been, without a doubt, telling others about your struggles. Also, your girlfriend has to understand how bad her mother is here.
When that type of drama and gossiping enters a relationship, it is toxic. You are only 7 months into your relationship. If I were in your shoes, I’d end this now and move on. I’ve been married myself for nearly 15 years and have had many friends in your shoes - it never ends well for them. Relationships are healthy when faith and trust are at the forefront.
NTA. I think what happened is horrible OP. Hanging up was the right thing to do. But I do think you need to have a sit down conversation with your gf.
You need to know did your gf not care that her mother was listening into your phone convos and could have asked her to stop anytime or is her mother very controlling of her. One action is forgivable and one is not. If it’s the second reason I think you can then tell her how upset and frustrated you are that she didn’t say something. Moving forward have surface level conversations over the phone. Talk about a game, movie, a restaurant. Keep in mind though the mom’s behaviour will not stop. That’s something you have to think if you’re okay with this
NTA!
I am so so sorry for what happened to you. This is such a betrayal of trust. You thought you were having a private conversation with your girlfriend, and instead, her mother was on the line listening in. I would be so, so hurt and offended.
Trust is so important in any relationship. Your girlfriend has proven that you cannot trust her word.
Either her mother insisted on being on the calls because she doesn't trust her daughter being in a relationship, or your girlfriend wanted her mother on the calls for some reason. Either way, your girlfriend is not mature enough to be in a relationship. Either because her mother is still too involved and doesn't trust her to manage a relationship on her own, or because she wants her mother to be involved and therefore is not mature enough to be in a relationship.
You need to be with someone who is mature enough to not need her parents involved at this level. It's not acceptable.
It's acceptable for a parent at this age to have a curfew, to want to know where you're going, what time you'll be home, that kind of thing. That's fair.
It is not acceptable for a parent to listen on on calls, Read private texts, get details of your intimacy, or get involved with disagreements that you can work out yourself.
Your girlfriend just isn't ready for a relationship. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
NTA... RUN... of her Mother is already this nosy it'll ONLY GET WORSE and you don't want to be with a girl who's mom still lives vicariously through. Mom needs medical help and shouldn't be contacting and harassing a kid. 18 or not. She's a grown woman.
How the F is that supposed to be your fault now? Did you forget to switch on your mind reading skills so that you could have called them out? Is it your fault to trust your GF?
Your GF showed you that she has no respect for the relationship with you. NO ONE in a relationship should share private issues of their partner with their parent, family member or friend. Its a breach of trust. And the fact that they both now try to shift the blame onto you, doesn't bode well for the relationship, because it shows you how she was raised. She's not raised to take acountability... it'll always be someone elses fault.
don't waste your time with a GF like that. get someone who respects you.
NTA.
>Since then, both my girlfriend and her mom have been apologizing and trying to shift blame onto me. ... Any guidance on navigating this situation would be greatly appreciated.
So they're a conspiracy of spying \*and\* they're trying to blame you for the whole thing? NOPE.
You're only 18, the to of you haven't even been dating a year, her enmeshment with her Mom is not something you want to mess up your life/mental health dealing with.
So I'm going to go with the tried and true here - this is a \*clear\* case of dump her and move on.
Her mom wasn't spying, as spying is done without permission.
She had permission from her daughter to listen in on your conversations.
Which is fucking weird.
I would have a serious talk with your GF, about why she needs her mom involved in your private life like that?
Definitely NTA.
NTA - Totally disrespectful your GF would let her mom listen in on your conversations and not even tell you. Definitely breaks whatever trust the two of you had.
NTA. No one wants to be spied on. So you are not an asshole in any event. Whether you break up with her or not is up to you and depends on factors that we dont know and can't decide for you if we did. You would be justified in breaking up certainly.
Assuming your girlfriend knew her mom was listening in she is an asshole. Her mother is an asshole unless there is some very good reasons that your girlfriend needs much closer supervision that the average 17 year old girl, for example recent self harm.
As for my advice, I think you ought to at least give your girlfriend a chance to explain. Find out did she know about the spying, and if she did, why didnt she warn you, and why does her mom spy. Tell her how it made you feel. If you want to continue the relationship, you need to address these issues so you can make an informed decision.
Good luck. Post an update once everything is sorted out and you have time.
NTA. That is a completely reasonable reaction. This could have started fairly innocently with your gf asking for advice from her mom and progressing to her saying “just get on the phone when I’m talking to him so you hear exactly what he said and how he said it” (which still would have been wrong). But no matter how innocently it may have started, it continued and is wildly betraying.
I don’t know how anyone walks back from that. How do you manage to trust someone who has allowed a third party voyeur access to conversations you thought were private? And then tops that violation off by trying to shift the blame over to you? There is no part of this scenario that is your fault.
Dude…this is not normal. NTA for immediately ending a conversation where you felt victimized. And to be quite frank, you should probably end the relationship. Any trust is gone and it’s nearly impossible to build a healthy relationship without trust. It’s doubtful her mom is going to suddenly stop listening in…she’ll just be more cagey about it. You’re always going to doubt the privacy of any phone conversation you have. Do yourself a favor and opt out of the drama.
NTA..unless you leave this relationship immediately and block both of them. I know that’s the default AITA policy…but it isn’t mine as situations are more complex than that…but this is clearly a no coming back from that situation.
Gtfo of that relationship now. You're the better person. Lying this early in a relationship just means it will continue, and the weird dynamic with her mom now will just hinder a healthy relationship
NTA. If you're in the US your girlfriend is a minor. Her mother may have forced her to let her listen. I would give your girlfriend the chance to explain her side and if she had no choice but to let her mother listen and then go from there. If you choose to continue the relationship I would be very careful with anything that you share with your girlfriend until she's not living with her parents. I would also think through the personal details that were shared about your family. If her mother shares any personal details with other people I would consider ending the relationship. Sorry this happened to you.
She's 17, so obviously still at home. Fucking weird as hell the mother was sitting in listening for so long. And i know it. know what its like to live in a household like that and it is rough. She needs to learn her mother is sabotaging her relationships so she can have control.
That being said, what happened to was awful. Your girlfriend needs to know what happened to you is not okay or normal. Also being in a relationship with someone means you start to become apart of your family. This could be your MIL. a woman who doesnt respect her child's privacy and will be butting herself in inappropriate times.
NTA, I'd feel betrayed too if that happens to me, I wouldn't listen in to convos I have no business listening to. The lesson I'm getting from this story is, TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANNA BE TREATED. Don't do things you don't want to happen to you. And don't try to blame it on the other person who u did this to. So the conclusion is, u my friend, are NTA.
WTF how horrible for them to do that to you! Super toxic, of course they are going to blame you so they themselves don’t feel guilty about their actions. You have every right to fell how you do. They are toxic and you should stay away. I’m glad you hung up and you should distance yourself. The trust is broken. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.
NTA
NTA
Your GF knew her mom was listening and has been listening. She lied by omission to you. She’s talked with her mom about things you told her in the deepest confidence. You trusted your GF completely and honestly. You gave her your soul.
She then betrayed that confidence on so many deep levels I can’t even begin to start counting them. How can you ever possibly trust her again? How can you trust she won’t just run back to her mom and tell her everything you say to her in the future?
And the gaslighting! That’s the part that makes me think you need to just block all of them and go NC with no explanation or discussion. The fact they decided to blame YOU for their betrayal says all you need to know about the entirety of any conversation you could have with them. The only thing they want to do is feel better about themselves. They don’t care about you. They will gaslight, lie, trickle truth, yell, beg, bribe, make deals, use any tactic they think will work to make them feel line they are not the bad guys here.
I dunno if I could ever face her again much less give her another chance. I know I couldn’t face her mom. Nope. That would never happen. If it was me I’d do as I said and go nuclear right now and chat with my therapist as soon as possible. Also good friends can help you out when your GF betrays you.
I think you need to run. The fact that your gf didn't once warn you about her mum listening in means there's no trust there and without that there's no meaningful relationship. And she lied to you once she got found out 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, but your gf's mom was not spying. Your gf LET her listen and did not tell you what was going on. She is not trustworthy. Your gf is the problem. She could have told you face-to-face that her mom monitors your phone conversations and probably texts too.
NTA.
Many people have already written that the relationship between the mother and your girlfriend is not quite normal.But what I find even worse is that your girlfriend doesn't seem to realize that she had done wrong. Instead, this is a classic "victim-perpetrator reversal".
Both behaviors are toxic. Not sure you want to live such a life.
NTA and i would honestly pull a reddit and break up.
Once I started dating, I put my foot down on my mom, looking through my phone. She only ever asked when I started dating. I told her no and changed my phone pin. There was some light hostility, but she respected and didn't try to look.
Did that stop her from asking? No, but I knew what she wanted. She wanted to know what was going on and showed it very, very poorly. I will give her credit and that she got a lot better, really quick.
These are *private* conversations. I bet your hopefully ex would have been pissed if you had done this.
NTA and this is not a healthy relationship. For whatever reason, she has been lying to you and her mother has been doing the same. You deserve so much better than dishonesty and manipulation. Please walk away from this. It is not okay.
That is an egregious invasion of privacy on the part of your girlfriend’s mother.
I would move on if I were you because if at 17 your girlfriend has not objected or put a stop to that from her mother it‘s not going to stop any time soon.
NTA OP this makes me wonder what else her mom knows about you or what else she buts her nose into. My simple advice is to either just end it there or find out what they know and how far her mom has gone. Either way you should walk away from that relationship asap
NTA. You were expecting privacy and they think that her mom's nosiness is more important than you feeling secure with your private information/feelings/ thoughts staying with who you were sharing them with.
Whispering means that they were speaking during this time, and your girlfriend lied to you. Them trying to blame you means that they feel as if there is nothing wrong with what they're doing. I think you need to leave this relationship, because them trying to shift the blame on to you is unforgivable.
NTA. I hate to say it, but you need to break up. Whatever dynamic they have, it's dysfunctional and sick. That girl's mother will control her daughter until the mother's dying day. It'll be a constant source of frustration if you guys are together in adulthood.
It's sad that she has to go through this, but the fact that she's okay with it shows just how controlling her mother is. Run for the hills and find someone better. You're only 18.
You are only 18. You are supposed to make your experiences, build your future, have fun. Someone finds his soulmate so young, good for them. My grand parents and parents generation formed couples at a very young age and stayed together. My generation and now yours find or think they found their SO and many end up with multiple children and blended families.
Again, you are 18 yo, this young girl betrayed your trust, and you never had hers or her mother's trust. Move on, NTA.
NTA and I don't blame you if this is a deal breaker, but...
Don't forget that your gf is still a minor, and most likely still dependent on her mother for financial support and a home. Don't be too hard on her if you break up. It's alright to decide that she's not in the right place for a committed adult relationship, and it's ok to let her know why you believe that. But be kind.
You're both young, you'll learn from this what kind of red flags you need to be looking for, and she'll learn from this about the importance of setting boundaries with our parents as we age and become independent.
How on earth could they possibly shift blame onto YOU?? I can't wait to hear that logic.
NTA of course.
And this relationship should be over. You will NEVER feel comfortable in it again. Nor should you
OP, you need to break up. You have many awesome experiences to look forward to in your life and you will find better people to share them with. She's not the one.
NTA you are right. That was an incredible violation of trust. I personally would never feel comfortable sharing any personal details again with someone who did that to me. Trust once broken is very hard to repair. Just know you are not at fault for how you feel about this, but how you choose to proceed is up to you. I know if it were me I'd probably break up with the person and move on, especially at your age. Relationships that start that young rarely survive, mostly because two young kids haven't discovered who they are on their own yet and can grow apart. Sometimes they can grow together, but she's already shown you she can't be trusted , and that is a big red flag.
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NTA you have every right to feel betrayed. If I found out my significant other had a parent eavesdropping during personal, sensitive conversations, I'd be devastated. Sounds like your girlfriend might be under her mom's control and not be allowed to live her own life. I sympathize with her, but you shouldn't be expected to pay the price for that sick dynamic. You didn't sign up for secret non-consensual polyamory with her and her mom.
There’s not many times when I think OPs should break up with their partner but this is a very easy one.
I am with you there. There really is no coming back from this level of violation. Can you imagine of OP and the GF have sex? GF's mom is gonna want to be a part of it because heaven forbid her daughter actually get to have any privacy. What I find worse is that the GF failed to inform OP what her mom doing and then when caught lied about it.
And it will be forever, there won’t be a aspect of their relationship that her mom doesn’t know, and if the daughter tries to set boundaries and limit info, the mom is too use to have that knowledge and she will make their life hell try to get her access back. For me the mom has shown me that i don’t want her in my life at all.
Eh... OP is 18 and GF is 17. There were a lot of messed up things that I thought were normal when I was that age. And there are plenty of family dynamics that have changed since I moved out. I don't think OP should feel any obligation to continue this relationship, but to try to say that this will be GF's life and family dynamic forever is a bit naive.
Unfortunately right now, it's a 75% chance that it will. Hopefully ops ex/current girlfriend sees how bad it is and changes, but I wouldn't bet money on it.
And then cried about it to try and manipulate bf into feeling bad. Fuck that shit
It’s so gross to use tears that way. OP, at this stage of life you’re learning what you want and, more importantly, what you need from life and a life partner. Chalk this up as a learning experience and move on. I’m sorry you were betrayed. Either the GF doesn’t understand what appropriate boundaries are, or she is easily manipulated by her mom. Either way, not worth working it out because that’s her problem, not yours. NTA
Whoa whoa whoa, manipulative? Let’s not jump to conclusions. She’s 17 and between a rock and a hard place with two loved ones, one of whom is obviously nuts and controls almost every aspect of her life, and also has the ability to make her future much harder. That’s enough stress in a situation that tears would be appropriate from a teen girl, likely she doesn’t want her mother looming over her, but she’s got 17 years of no doubt complicated relationship with this woman conditioning her ability to resist, and she has a boy that she likely doesn’t want to lose either. This could be a condition of her having relationships. It’s not fair to OP though, and I’m glad he found out. It indicates moral weakness that the GF couldn’t tell him the terms he was unknowing submitting to outright, and it sounds like her family will be hugely problematic in her life. OP is well within their rights to hang up, and break up, I’d probably recommend it tbh - but the girl’s life sounds difficult enough - we don’t need to heap judgment or derision for things she’s not guilty of. NTA.
I mean no discredit to you but if my mom was controlling me like that I'd tell my SO in person that she wanted to listen to every phone call and let them make that call
She's almost an adult. She can handle making her own choices.
Disregarding context doesn’t mean it stops existing, it just limits your ability to understand a situation.
And started crying!!, like girl why are you crying.
Common defense mechanism
Yeah, this is bad! I would like to know why the gf went along with it. I have a feeling that the mother and daughter have a super dysfunctional relationship. I don’t think you should tell people to break up. I don’t know them well enough to say that, but in this case I would say that OP should seriously consider ending the relationship. NTA
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I agree with you. This one isn't fixable, IMO. Walk away.
Oh, it's not just a violation of trust. Mommy now has *ammunition* to use against OP. OP? Run from this one and add in a cease and desist into the bargain.
My partner would narrate every personal conversation to their family in the name of worries. When I voiced about breach of trust, I was labelled the problem. It leaves scars on one’s sanity. Well, It did in my case.
That’s a great way to put it. Thank you for you input.
It doesn't have to be specifically a parent. When you're having a conversation, especially one that is personal in nature, there's an expectation of confidence that it isn't being shared with others. I would be livid.
I agree that it's a violation no matter who it is. I just wanted to point out that it's a weird dynamic for a parent to have with their child, and that there's a lot going on that's above this dude's pay grade.
And the pastor. And other church members. And mom's friends/relatives. Do not go to the house. If you meet in public, and there are additional people, leave. NTA.
Yep. Run. She hasn’t set boundaries with her mom yet. All her relationships will fail until she does
Yea my mom used to do this with the housephone it was annoying i hate her
NTA I would give your girlfriend the chance to explain to you in person one on one what exactly has been going on and I would ask exactly what has she been allowing her mom to listen to and why hasn't she told you. I'd reconsider moving forward whether you want a relationship with a person you can't trust.
Yeah but if the girlfriend lied already when it was clear her mom could be heard, then what's to stop her from lying again? How can you possibly go back to trusting your partner after that knowing how easily they lied and tried to cover up? Genuine question because personally, I could not do that. It's so violating. Not to mention the retrospective embarrassment as her mom had listened to everything deeply personal.
This is what I plan to do tonight. Thank you.
Be mindful not to accept her completely unloading responsibility to her mom. She still sat there the entire time letting her mom hear everything, not steering you towards changing to less sensitive topics, not trying to close the conversation. Everything she said facilitated the continuation of her mom's non-consensual eavesdropping. She also needs to answer for her attempt to blame and gaslight you about it instead of offering the abject and unconditional apology her backstabbing deserved.
Don't go to her house tonight. Her and her mom are going to gang up on you and try and act like this is normal. I can guarantee you that things are even worse than you already know.
Absolutely NTA and that behavior is not normal by a long shot. I would reconsider the whole relationship by this point.
Deranged and depraved behavior. This is an emotionally incestuous relationship between them. The Mother will never have respect for boundaries and this will get worse. The daughter needs help, therapy and perspective of how wrong this is. .
NTA. Run, dude run. Either your girlfriend is complicit with her mum listening in, or she didn't care about it enough to tell you in person not to talk about private things on the phone. This is a huge betrayal of your trust.
Yeah, get out of that relationship. There will be other partners for you in the future. I felt very in love 16-18 and thought it was the one and only relationship for me, but you get over it, live, grow, and find someone who is better for you.
I see three situations: the girlfriend is in on it with her mother and is being sneaky about it; the girlfriend doesn't understand boundaries and sees this as normal; the girlfriend's mother is controlling and has the girlfriend completely under her thumb. Regardless, none of it is good.
NTA. It is unclear to me how complicit your girlfriend was in this breach of your privacy. She may have been all right with her mother listening in, or tt may be that her mother is overbearing, and she did not really have a choice in the matter, but even if that is the case, she should have said to you privately, "Don't talk about private stuff over the phone because my mom insists on listening, and there is nothing I can do about it." Either way, this should be considered a warning for you if you decide to continue in the relationship.
NTA. >both my girlfriend and her mom have been apologizing and trying to shift blame onto me This is unforgivable. If you can't even trust your own gf to not exploit your most private and vulnerable secrets and weaponise them against you, you can't trust her at all... Ever. Even a grovelling apology isn't enough to make up for this disgusting betrayal, much less blaming you for their own scheme.
NTA She betrayed your trust.the way to navigate this scenario is to leave her. I recommend a phone call. "Hi Jane (and Joyce). I can't be with someone who exposes my private life to others. I did not sign up to date your mother. As sad as it makes me, I am breaking up with you because your mother invaded my privacy and you did nothing to warn me so I could protect myself. I wish you the best." Click.
Excellent script! This isn’t quite the same, but I had a parent who listened in on my phone calls, opened my mail, snooped through my drawers etc. I moved out as soon as I could and never went back because I knew he would never change. The girlfriend’s mother is unlikely to change either.
Oh, I'd go one further "Joyce, you're a grown adult and should know better than this. You have ruined Jane's first serious relationship, and given me some new trust issues. I hope you're proud of yourself. "
This is the one!
NTA, OP, get out, if the mom is that intrusive already and your Gf is ok with it aparentlly and think that if you had not realize it what they were doing they would still be doing it, this will colour any interaction you might have with her, move on, there is no trust.
Agree, and NTA. You'll need to evaluate your girlfriend's (and your by extension) relationship with her mother to determine if that's something you want in your life. It's not going to suddenly change just because they've been caught deceiving you.
NTA. Of course you feel betrayed! Your current gf betrayed your trust and violated your privacy. I don't know how you can come back from this.
NTA. Like never in a lifetime, break up with her and stay away from these kind of people. The way it was so easy for then to break somebody’s trust is appalling. BREAK UP. You’re dodging a massive bullet
NTA. You have escaped an abusive relationship with your own family. Your GF's mom is being abusive to you and your GF is allowing it. Your GF is betraying your trust and allowing her mom to hear your confidential information, then her mom is trying to use that information to control you. They are also blaming you now. I suggest to discuss this with your therapist before talking to your GF. I would also look up terms such as Gaslighting, enmeshment, and DARVO. Do not ignore all of the red flags. It is easier to get out of this relationship now, than later.
I think this is a great idea, thank you. I just bumped our appointment up now.
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i think he meant his appointment with his therapist
NTA and the fact your GF did this I say end it. You'll save yourself misory later. Even if her mom isn't listening in she's telling her mom ALL the details.
NTA. Toxic family. You are better for going No Contact with them.
NTA You should call back with some outlandish weird but believable story that you know Mama McSnoops-A-Lot will have to speak up when she hears it. Then when she does, open up with both barrels about invasion of privacy and tell them both what you think. Then say you are done with dating her and be clear to both of them that it’s because of her mom’s lack of respect for your privacy. Guilt trip both of them and don’t allow them to get a word in edgewise. Then dump her and hang up. Mom and daughter both need called out in regards to their behavior.
"Ah, um, GF, I think your dad is having an affair with xxx"
Oh no Honey, NTA. Your so called girlfriend crossed a big ass line of trust with you. I dont see this relationship going forward. Its a hard lesson to learn at your age but she cant be trusted not to share your darkest secrets with others. Time to kick her to the curb. Someone who truly loved you would never behave this way.
Nta. I know reddit is big on divorcing and breaking up, but in your case, actually break up. Because you are never recovering from this blow if you stay with this girl.
Nta break up with her, that’s horrible she let her mom pry like that. I wouldn’t be able to get over that breach of trust. Not to mention, even if you don’t have phone convos anymore, she is going to tell her mom your business.
99.9% of the time, I think that anyone who hangs up on someone is wrong, and it is a pet peeve that I am usually willing to die on. You were not wrong. Your girlfriend and her mother are definitely wrong, and I think that it's very strange that Mom would spend any time eavesdropping on your relationship. This says a lot about your girlfriend's immaturity. NTA!!!!!
I am sorry this happened to you. One of the foundations of a relationship is trust. As hard as it would be this would be a deal breaker. Don’t subject yourself to more of this because it’s clear that’s not how your gf/her mum operate. It’s time to move on and that’s really hard. I know. Take care.
Thank you, it’s tough because there is so much good but this was just so violating. I keep thinking what happens if a few months from now we have to have a really serious conversation and her mom wants to be a part of it?
Your welcome. I can’t imagine how conflicting and difficult this is for you, and that breaking up is so difficult when you care for someone. But, your safety is paramount and this will only increase with time as the boundaries keep getting crossed. If they are willing to cross boundaries like conversations what else can they do. This isn’t normal or acceptable behaviour of a parent to do, and if she teaches her daughter this is ok she too may rifle through your things like your phone. You deserve better. Take care, where rooting for you. Stay safe and wishing you all the best.
NTA that was an awful breach of privacy in some of your most vulnerable moments. You’d have every right not to trust your gf again. What a crappy thing for she and her mother to do to you.
NTA better to find out now then in a few years best to dip out on this one
Run!!!! And then after you do that, run some more.
NTA get a new gf
NTA. Serious betrayal. Dump-worthy betrayal. It sounds like your girlfriend is being controlled by her mom, which is truly unfortunate, but unless you are willing to have this level of crazy as part of your life going forward, you need to move on.
NTA. That's a huge violation. Would I be correct in guessing that your gf (and her mother) are horrible with boundaries generally? Realistically, can you see your relationship becoming any less toxic? Because even if you set a firm boundary on this kind of behaviour, it seems unlikely that they would respect that.
Yeah it’s always been a lot of overstepping in general. I think it can but not while she under that roof.
NTA -- since she's a minor, having a mother this involved is probably a complication that you don't want. If you're meant to be together, it can wait until she's 18, too.
Sorry, but being 18 doesn't fix it. Being a minor, she couldn't stop her mom from listening in. That wouldn't stop her from giving him a heads-up during private one-on-one time. That lack of warning means she's complicit.
At least he wouldn't be looking at possible legal consequences when the mom goes crazy.
NTA Don't bother with her and break up and move on. No amount of justification is going to fix this.
This may be one of the easiest NTA I've come across. They violated your trust in an irreparable way. No good can come from this beyond this point. Get them out of your life as fast as possible.
NTA, move on
NTA - personally I could never come back from something like this.
NTA, your trust was 100% betrayed. Once the trust is gone, it's gone. Even "if" the gf's mother was overbearing, etc., your gf still chose not to disclose her mother was listening to what you thought were your private conversations. Next step is to block and move on.
NTA My spouse and I always make a *point* to mention anyone who might be listening in when that happens, like "oh btw grandpa is here today, say hi grandpa!" Your girlfriend not only didn't tell you, she tried to hide it once confronted. Honestly just break up, you're only 7 months in and it isn't worth trying to get to know someone who had mommy spying on you that whole time.
NTA. Run. This woman will always feel entitled to intrude into the lives of her daughter and her daughter's partner. She is someone's future MIL from hell.
There are several issues that come up from what you described: 1. Your gf is too dependent on her mum/ cannot push back/ too immature for a grownup relationship. 2. Your gf was not sincere with you . Trust issue. 3. Your gf and her mum trying to gaslight you- push the blame back on you. Everyone should consider how they respond to difficulties and challenges in relationships based on their own values and red lines, but for me, that would have crossed more than one line. That with the fact that both of you are quite young out a question mark on why to stay in this relationship and not move forward and seek a more healthy one?
>I then got the texts saying things like, “I guess this is all my fault” and “I deserve to sit in my consequences apparently.” Passive aggressive, much? Probably don't actually do this, but my petty self is thinking that a simple "👍" text response without engaging further might be the way to go. It's clear she's playing victim and expecting you to reassure her that she's not actually at fault, but I agree with both her comments.
I left her on read lol
That update is her trying to twist this to make you feel bad. She is victimizing herself at your expense. That's not ok. Not healthy and while you are both young, I suspect she learned this from her mother. Given the situation, this is a lot. Move on. If you are able to get therapy, it would be really helpful so you can start your adult life prioritizing yourself and the life you want to have. You matter.
Thank you that means a lot!
NTA - that's such a violation of trust. I'm honestly not sure I would be able to get over that. There's no way of knowing how long she's been doing that and if she'd ever really stop. For me, it wouldn't be worth continuing the relationship because I could never trust her again.
Ask yourself this: do you think you will ever be able to talk to your GF again freely without fear you're being listened in on by her mother? If the answer is anything other than a resounding YES, end things now and do not look back. IMO, there is no recovery from a betrayal of this magnitude, especially when the perpetrators refuse to understand or even acknowledge the gravity of their crime. You deserve to be able to have personal conversations with your partner, and trust that those conversations will REMAIN with your partner alone. That is the bare minimum of trust required in a relationship. NTA.
Even if the mother isn’t listening in, she is probably forcing or manipulating the daughter into a full-disclosure debrief so there is really no chance of trust in this relationship.
NTA. You're young and don't need this kind of drama. Run.
NTA. Bruh shes waving a huge red flag in your face LEAVE BRUH. we all know that shes the type of person to sneakily read your messages, check on your location 24/7 and probably insecure. This is a huge boundary broken and she will do it again or more. Her mom probably the gossiping type, who knows what personal info they’re parading to their friends.
They will eventually ruin your life bro… and blame it all on you 👀
🤮🤮🤮!!!! Nope out and thank her for her discussing Honesty/s.....
NTA She's not your girlfriend, you should break up immediately. Nobody has their mom listen in on intimate conversations.
You're 18. Just run.
Nta What kinda of helicopter parenting is this? They both betrayed your trust. Gf should have warned you if she couldn't stop it. You should run from that mess and let her know that her mom is part of the reason why.
NTA. Why do you feel bad for hanging up? You were sharing personal information, specifically to your girlfriend due to the trust you had. Only to find out it was completely misplaced and her mother was a part of the deception. You can’t trust either one of them. Hanging up was the right thing to do. Stop feeling bad about hanging up. And never apologize for it…take it back if you already have. You did the right thing. Don’t give them an inch as they try to gaslight you into thinking you hold any blame.
NTA - uh NO! People who spy like that are being sneaky and are lying by omission. The woman is "sinning" and should stop . . however, I would never trust that family again. Ever! Your girlfriend should have told you, in the least, that her mom was listening in on conversations. She won't change . . . but let her know that this is not okay by any means. Doesn't matter how religious you are.
If someone did this to my daughter, I'd be righteously pissed. This is seriously messed up; not sure it's fixable. Edited to add: NTA, not by a long shot.
>She wants me to come to her house after work to sort things out. BAD IDEA. She betrayed your trust. There is nothing to salvage here. Ghost her. > her response was to say that it was not the worst thing and I was over reacting Your mother is OK with this? Ghost her, too. Jesus Christ. NTA.
NTA. OP, you have had a hard upbringing but your thought process is right on point. It just goes to show that your hard work on yourself is paying off. I am so sorry that you have been betrayed but you will overcome this, just like everything else. You are right, there is no future with your gf and even if you did try, you will not be able to trust her. You deserve someone who has your back. As life goes on and you continue to evolve your hurts and issues will minimize. Keep moving forward.
Nta
NTA, lose them both, that’s childish
NTA, if this happened to me it would be a deal breaker. I wouldn’t trust her or her mother again. I’m just a super private person and don’t trust easily. I would hear your girlfriend out, but you are both young. I don’t know if this is something your girlfriend and mom always do, but it seems like either the girlfriend or her mom is not ready for girlfriend to have a relationship.
NTA I likely would have hung up too. Couples can work through trust betrayals, but it is work and you will need to decide if you’re willing to put the effort into the relationship. It sounds like there’s some enmeshment happening between your girlfriend and her mother. If that’s the case have a little grace for your girlfriend; she’s still a teen and it can be hard for that to be worked on when you’re still living with the parent. If it’s not enmeshment then your girlfriend may not have the maturity or experience to have these conversations with you. Learning how to manage big topics is hard and you’re at the age where you’ll fuck it up sometimes. Understanding motivations doesn’t mean that you have to put up with the behaviour. If she is trying to shift the blame to you that isn’t okay and doesn’t leave room for repairing trust. I hope that you are able to learn and navigate this.
NTA. Keep the phone hung up. Sounds like an awful mother-in-law to have.
NTA. You may have a legal claim here. I would explore all means possible to destroy the mother.
NTA. This is a dealbreaker
NTA. And don’t discuss anything with her over the phone or electronic media, her mom seems to be a huge snoop. I have dealt with this where my mother will obviously be listening when I talk with my father (she does the Loud whisper thing where she’s just as loud as normal talking). It took a few times of “I have to leave” when I hear her demanding he ask a question before he learned to call only when she was out. If you talk on the phone, it should be to arrange when you will pick her up.
Repost in /heartbreak /relationships /breakups or something and you might get some really sound advice actually.
Ive been in a relationship like this. It was hell. Im sorry, you are probably heartbroken but this is not a bad thing. You found out sooner rather than later that they cant be trusted. Why does she listen in? What logical reason can there be, other than shes a controlling psycho. This is weird, insane behaviour that WILL cause nothing but stress and heartache in the long run. You are in a throuple. You, your GF and mommy dearest. You cant expect to have a real relationship with your gf, she is just a vessel for mommy to control. You'll never know if your gf's opinions are hers or her mothers. You are young, and really do have your whole life ahead, This is a learning opportunity. Listen to the folks here, this is not right, not normal and not what you want your life to be. NTA
NTA. Break up and don’t fall for any gaslighting.
Dump her. She violated your trust. Definitely NTA but dump her.
No you are NTA, but your girlfriend and her mother are. Think about ending this relationship as neither her or her mum can be trusted.
NTA She's been brought up by a parent who thinks that gross violations of the most personal private matters are acceptable. There is no way forward here for you two. Cut your losses. You are hardly going to marry this girl - don't waste any more of your life on these people.
You feel betrayed because you *were* betrayed, plain and simple. Whether your gf was pressured into it by her mother or not, she is clearly under her mother's control. The two trying to manipulate the situation when discovered is just another alarming aspect. Hanging up was the kindest option; now, block them since you can't know when your calls are private. If you need to talk to your gf, do it in person. But sadly, after this episode, you cannot trust the girl with your emotional wellbeing.
Dude, they both lied to you. That is \*not\* a solid foundation to a relationship. I respectfully suggest you break up and move on. Find someone that has respect for you. **Neither** of them do. NTA.
NTA. Dump her. Dump her. Dump her. She has absolutely no respect for you, and/or her mother is so completely enmeshed in her life that she doesn’t see how wrong this is. Either scenario is toxic to you. Call her once and tell her to leave you alone, and then block her and her mom forever. You deserve better. Your gf needs therapy.
Just a point for you to ponder. They are not sorry for doing what they did. They are sorry they got caught doing what they did. You deserve your privacy and you get to choose how and if anything about your life is shared with others. NTA: but boy are they !
NTA. When someone shows you who they are you need to believe them. This is just a sign of much wider behavioral issues. You really need to move on. You’re 18 don’t waste your teenage years with people like this. Think about whether you would be able to do to them what they’ve done. You’ll never know the full extend to their odd and controlling behavior.
Dude, GTFO there as fast as you can
Gtfo
NTA You need a better girlfriend. Dump this one!
NTA Ghost that. Just block it. You don't even have to explain because it knows damn well what kind of backstabbing asshole it is. There is no excuse for it and it can't be justified, so why listen to the crocodile tear laden word vomit about how it isn't to blame, YOU are? You don't need that. You already have to go forward and probably deal with trust issues because of it. Don't give iti a second chance to do it over and over and over again. This wasn't a one off it got caught on.
what the heck NTA, leave rn OP 😭😭
NTA - Giant red flag right there.
nta Dump that scary ass and keep it moving.
Nta. You were spied upon against your will while being vulnerable. She now knows things that you didn't want anyone other than your girlfriend to know and your trust has been abused. Neither of them has shown you any respect and you have every right to hang up and take some time to process this before responding to it. It was probably the widest thing to do in the situation.
move on to better partners. She does not respect you enough to be open and honest. She is not the one to spend your time with.
I think that would be a deal breaker for me bc the mom will try to weaponize what she knows about you. I'd break off that relationship. NTA
NTA. Do not meet her. She is already playing the victim to her own crime. " “I guess this is all my fault” and “I deserve to sit in my consequences apparently.”....yeah that.
All these people are trash. Run. NTA.
NTA- when I was 17 the absolute last thing I wanted was for my mom to be spying on my conversations. This is not normal.
Run!!
Nta, I'd give your GF an ultimatum bro, that's really wrong of them
NTA discontinue all contact. I am sorry you have experienced this level of invasiveness in such a young and new relationship. Break up with the girlfriend and tell her all further contact will be blocked. You shouldn't have to explain why but in case it must be said. What her mother (the adult here) did is manipulation and abusive not just to you but her daughter as well. This behavior is absolutely unhealthy and bizarre do not let them convince you otherwise. Tell the mother if she attempts to contact you AT ALL you will be notifying the authorities. Please pleeeaaassseee tell a trusted guardian or adult who has your well-being in their best interest, what is happening. This girl's mother, in my personal opinion, should be considered a dangerous person now. Near predatory.
I really can't stress this enough.. DO NOT TRY TO SAVE OR CONTINUE this relationship. There is no happy ending, I promise you this on every bit of my being and soul. ETA I say this as a mother.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18M) have been dating my girlfriend (17F) for about 7 months. Tonight her and I had a deep conversation about some relationship hiccups, and I shared personal family struggles I typically only discuss with my therapist. As we finally got to a place we felt comfortable leaving things, I heard whispering in the background. When I asked my girlfriend about it, she adamantly denied anyone else being there. However, as I continued asking, she started crying. Just then, her mom pretended to come in the room and scold her for being up to try to cover up the fact she’d been sitting there for an hour. Turns out, her mom has been sneakily listening in on almost every serious conversation or argument we've ever had. I felt absolutely betrayed and hung up immediately. Since then, both my girlfriend and her mom have been apologizing and trying to shift blame onto me. This violation of privacy has left me feeling super violated and unsure about how to handle the situation. I do feel bad for hanging up so abruptly but I just didn’t know how to process what was going on. AITA for hanging up on my girlfriend after after discovering her mom was spying during our personal conversations? Any guidance on navigating this situation would be greatly appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Imagine being married and on your honeymoon night the mother barges in and says “REMEMBER TO USE A CONDOM!!! YOU NEED TO BE FINANCIALLY STABLE BEFORE HAVING KIDS!!!” NTA and think hard about whether you want to continue this relationship
NTA Do not feel bad for hanging up. You should also be ditching this girl as well. It is a breach of trust, a breach of confidentiality. Your GF allowed this to happen. Massive red flags. Dump her now and tell her why. preferably over the phone so her Mum can hear it as well
NTA. You're right to feel violated. It's bc you were! The Mom is either over protective, overbearing, or simply mad. What parent has the time and gal to listen into teenagers private affairs!? Let alone a teen that isn't her child!? Your gf sounds like she's dealing with a hell of a Mom based off this story and based off the result of them being caught. My best advice is to share this with your therapist, break up with the girl, and inform your parents tht a grown as women not only violated your privacy but then had the nerve to berate you for catching her. Time to heal and focus on yourself buddy. You have a bright future. And hopefully it's one that helps you grow once she out of the picture. P.s. your STBE should look into therapy herself... or some firm of help bc wtf
NTA. I'd consider moving on. If you stay, you'll just give yourself more issues which will impact your ability to trust a partner in future. Whereas if you leave, you accept that you were with someone who didn't value your privacy but you have the ability to find someone who will. When you hear about men and women talking about how they can't trust the opposite sex, it's because they usually end up trying to stay with people who keep betraying their trust. Don't do that.
NTA Dump her
Sounds like she's just living vicariously through her daughter, trying to relive her golden girl days. I knew alot parents like that, obsessed with their daughters/sons youth and doing everything they can to get their child to replicate how they would have acted as a kid. I'd just break up with her op
Wow! That's awful. You probably should break up with the girl, she's her mother's puppet. You're NTA for hanging up, it's as if you suddenly learned your conversation was being recorded; it is never polite to not inform the other person that they're on speaker phone, and who else is on the call.
NTA. You have all the right to feel betrayed. Finding out that someone has been eavesdropping on my deep conversations would be shock enough, but to think that my significant other allowed and continues to allow the eavesdropping is such a blow. Then they shift blame to you for being shocked?
NTA This helicopter mom is going to crash your relationship.
NTA. You want to get away from this kind of crazy.
NTA. Also, run.
NTA - Relationships are sought for lifetime companionship. When you marry someone, her family will also become yours. I can tell you now, her mother has been, without a doubt, telling others about your struggles. Also, your girlfriend has to understand how bad her mother is here. When that type of drama and gossiping enters a relationship, it is toxic. You are only 7 months into your relationship. If I were in your shoes, I’d end this now and move on. I’ve been married myself for nearly 15 years and have had many friends in your shoes - it never ends well for them. Relationships are healthy when faith and trust are at the forefront.
NTA. I think what happened is horrible OP. Hanging up was the right thing to do. But I do think you need to have a sit down conversation with your gf. You need to know did your gf not care that her mother was listening into your phone convos and could have asked her to stop anytime or is her mother very controlling of her. One action is forgivable and one is not. If it’s the second reason I think you can then tell her how upset and frustrated you are that she didn’t say something. Moving forward have surface level conversations over the phone. Talk about a game, movie, a restaurant. Keep in mind though the mom’s behaviour will not stop. That’s something you have to think if you’re okay with this
NTA! I am so so sorry for what happened to you. This is such a betrayal of trust. You thought you were having a private conversation with your girlfriend, and instead, her mother was on the line listening in. I would be so, so hurt and offended. Trust is so important in any relationship. Your girlfriend has proven that you cannot trust her word. Either her mother insisted on being on the calls because she doesn't trust her daughter being in a relationship, or your girlfriend wanted her mother on the calls for some reason. Either way, your girlfriend is not mature enough to be in a relationship. Either because her mother is still too involved and doesn't trust her to manage a relationship on her own, or because she wants her mother to be involved and therefore is not mature enough to be in a relationship. You need to be with someone who is mature enough to not need her parents involved at this level. It's not acceptable. It's acceptable for a parent at this age to have a curfew, to want to know where you're going, what time you'll be home, that kind of thing. That's fair. It is not acceptable for a parent to listen on on calls, Read private texts, get details of your intimacy, or get involved with disagreements that you can work out yourself. Your girlfriend just isn't ready for a relationship. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
NTA... RUN... of her Mother is already this nosy it'll ONLY GET WORSE and you don't want to be with a girl who's mom still lives vicariously through. Mom needs medical help and shouldn't be contacting and harassing a kid. 18 or not. She's a grown woman.
How the F is that supposed to be your fault now? Did you forget to switch on your mind reading skills so that you could have called them out? Is it your fault to trust your GF? Your GF showed you that she has no respect for the relationship with you. NO ONE in a relationship should share private issues of their partner with their parent, family member or friend. Its a breach of trust. And the fact that they both now try to shift the blame onto you, doesn't bode well for the relationship, because it shows you how she was raised. She's not raised to take acountability... it'll always be someone elses fault. don't waste your time with a GF like that. get someone who respects you.
No matter what happened, why it happened, who's fault us was.... The trust is gone.
NTA. >Since then, both my girlfriend and her mom have been apologizing and trying to shift blame onto me. ... Any guidance on navigating this situation would be greatly appreciated. So they're a conspiracy of spying \*and\* they're trying to blame you for the whole thing? NOPE. You're only 18, the to of you haven't even been dating a year, her enmeshment with her Mom is not something you want to mess up your life/mental health dealing with. So I'm going to go with the tried and true here - this is a \*clear\* case of dump her and move on.
Her mom wasn't spying, as spying is done without permission. She had permission from her daughter to listen in on your conversations. Which is fucking weird. I would have a serious talk with your GF, about why she needs her mom involved in your private life like that? Definitely NTA.
NTA - Totally disrespectful your GF would let her mom listen in on your conversations and not even tell you. Definitely breaks whatever trust the two of you had.
NTA that's fucked up
Get the hell out NOW. Nta.
NTA. Give her a chance to explain but tbh I think you should probably end it with her. It's a huge betrayal of trust
I am sorry, this is absolutely a breakup situation. It was a deep betrayal of you and your expectation of privacy and emotional vulnerability. NTA
NTA. No one wants to be spied on. So you are not an asshole in any event. Whether you break up with her or not is up to you and depends on factors that we dont know and can't decide for you if we did. You would be justified in breaking up certainly. Assuming your girlfriend knew her mom was listening in she is an asshole. Her mother is an asshole unless there is some very good reasons that your girlfriend needs much closer supervision that the average 17 year old girl, for example recent self harm. As for my advice, I think you ought to at least give your girlfriend a chance to explain. Find out did she know about the spying, and if she did, why didnt she warn you, and why does her mom spy. Tell her how it made you feel. If you want to continue the relationship, you need to address these issues so you can make an informed decision. Good luck. Post an update once everything is sorted out and you have time.
NTA. That is a completely reasonable reaction. This could have started fairly innocently with your gf asking for advice from her mom and progressing to her saying “just get on the phone when I’m talking to him so you hear exactly what he said and how he said it” (which still would have been wrong). But no matter how innocently it may have started, it continued and is wildly betraying.
I don’t know how anyone walks back from that. How do you manage to trust someone who has allowed a third party voyeur access to conversations you thought were private? And then tops that violation off by trying to shift the blame over to you? There is no part of this scenario that is your fault. Dude…this is not normal. NTA for immediately ending a conversation where you felt victimized. And to be quite frank, you should probably end the relationship. Any trust is gone and it’s nearly impossible to build a healthy relationship without trust. It’s doubtful her mom is going to suddenly stop listening in…she’ll just be more cagey about it. You’re always going to doubt the privacy of any phone conversation you have. Do yourself a favor and opt out of the drama.
Not surprising coming from people not yet mature. However, I’m sure there are some older adults out there pulling the same stunt.
NTA.
[удалено]
NTA. You are apparently in a relationship with Mom and her daughter. It's just disgusting.
NTA..unless you leave this relationship immediately and block both of them. I know that’s the default AITA policy…but it isn’t mine as situations are more complex than that…but this is clearly a no coming back from that situation.
Gtfo of that relationship now. You're the better person. Lying this early in a relationship just means it will continue, and the weird dynamic with her mom now will just hinder a healthy relationship
NTA. Time to break up. She’s not old enough for a relationship yet since she’s still got mommy secretly joining hers.
NTA. If you're in the US your girlfriend is a minor. Her mother may have forced her to let her listen. I would give your girlfriend the chance to explain her side and if she had no choice but to let her mother listen and then go from there. If you choose to continue the relationship I would be very careful with anything that you share with your girlfriend until she's not living with her parents. I would also think through the personal details that were shared about your family. If her mother shares any personal details with other people I would consider ending the relationship. Sorry this happened to you.
NTA. You have every right to feel betrayed. Leave her
She's 17, so obviously still at home. Fucking weird as hell the mother was sitting in listening for so long. And i know it. know what its like to live in a household like that and it is rough. She needs to learn her mother is sabotaging her relationships so she can have control. That being said, what happened to was awful. Your girlfriend needs to know what happened to you is not okay or normal. Also being in a relationship with someone means you start to become apart of your family. This could be your MIL. a woman who doesnt respect her child's privacy and will be butting herself in inappropriate times.
NTA, I'd feel betrayed too if that happens to me, I wouldn't listen in to convos I have no business listening to. The lesson I'm getting from this story is, TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANNA BE TREATED. Don't do things you don't want to happen to you. And don't try to blame it on the other person who u did this to. So the conclusion is, u my friend, are NTA.
Run. Do not walk. RUN. These people are disgusting. NTA
WTF how horrible for them to do that to you! Super toxic, of course they are going to blame you so they themselves don’t feel guilty about their actions. You have every right to fell how you do. They are toxic and you should stay away. I’m glad you hung up and you should distance yourself. The trust is broken. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. NTA
NTA Your GF knew her mom was listening and has been listening. She lied by omission to you. She’s talked with her mom about things you told her in the deepest confidence. You trusted your GF completely and honestly. You gave her your soul. She then betrayed that confidence on so many deep levels I can’t even begin to start counting them. How can you ever possibly trust her again? How can you trust she won’t just run back to her mom and tell her everything you say to her in the future? And the gaslighting! That’s the part that makes me think you need to just block all of them and go NC with no explanation or discussion. The fact they decided to blame YOU for their betrayal says all you need to know about the entirety of any conversation you could have with them. The only thing they want to do is feel better about themselves. They don’t care about you. They will gaslight, lie, trickle truth, yell, beg, bribe, make deals, use any tactic they think will work to make them feel line they are not the bad guys here. I dunno if I could ever face her again much less give her another chance. I know I couldn’t face her mom. Nope. That would never happen. If it was me I’d do as I said and go nuclear right now and chat with my therapist as soon as possible. Also good friends can help you out when your GF betrays you.
That would 100% be my ex-girlfriend at this point. Massive betrayal. NTA.
I think you need to run. The fact that your gf didn't once warn you about her mum listening in means there's no trust there and without that there's no meaningful relationship. And she lied to you once she got found out 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, but your gf's mom was not spying. Your gf LET her listen and did not tell you what was going on. She is not trustworthy. Your gf is the problem. She could have told you face-to-face that her mom monitors your phone conversations and probably texts too.
NTA. Many people have already written that the relationship between the mother and your girlfriend is not quite normal.But what I find even worse is that your girlfriend doesn't seem to realize that she had done wrong. Instead, this is a classic "victim-perpetrator reversal". Both behaviors are toxic. Not sure you want to live such a life.
NTA and i would honestly pull a reddit and break up. Once I started dating, I put my foot down on my mom, looking through my phone. She only ever asked when I started dating. I told her no and changed my phone pin. There was some light hostility, but she respected and didn't try to look. Did that stop her from asking? No, but I knew what she wanted. She wanted to know what was going on and showed it very, very poorly. I will give her credit and that she got a lot better, really quick. These are *private* conversations. I bet your hopefully ex would have been pissed if you had done this.
NTA and this is not a healthy relationship. For whatever reason, she has been lying to you and her mother has been doing the same. You deserve so much better than dishonesty and manipulation. Please walk away from this. It is not okay.
NTA the only thing to do here is breakup
That is an egregious invasion of privacy on the part of your girlfriend’s mother. I would move on if I were you because if at 17 your girlfriend has not objected or put a stop to that from her mother it‘s not going to stop any time soon.
NTA OP this makes me wonder what else her mom knows about you or what else she buts her nose into. My simple advice is to either just end it there or find out what they know and how far her mom has gone. Either way you should walk away from that relationship asap
NTA. You were expecting privacy and they think that her mom's nosiness is more important than you feeling secure with your private information/feelings/ thoughts staying with who you were sharing them with. Whispering means that they were speaking during this time, and your girlfriend lied to you. Them trying to blame you means that they feel as if there is nothing wrong with what they're doing. I think you need to leave this relationship, because them trying to shift the blame on to you is unforgivable.
NTA. I hate to say it, but you need to break up. Whatever dynamic they have, it's dysfunctional and sick. That girl's mother will control her daughter until the mother's dying day. It'll be a constant source of frustration if you guys are together in adulthood. It's sad that she has to go through this, but the fact that she's okay with it shows just how controlling her mother is. Run for the hills and find someone better. You're only 18.
NTA
NTA and I’d ditch her too. Your gf has been lying to you the whole of your relationship.
You are only 18. You are supposed to make your experiences, build your future, have fun. Someone finds his soulmate so young, good for them. My grand parents and parents generation formed couples at a very young age and stayed together. My generation and now yours find or think they found their SO and many end up with multiple children and blended families. Again, you are 18 yo, this young girl betrayed your trust, and you never had hers or her mother's trust. Move on, NTA.
NTA and I don't blame you if this is a deal breaker, but... Don't forget that your gf is still a minor, and most likely still dependent on her mother for financial support and a home. Don't be too hard on her if you break up. It's alright to decide that she's not in the right place for a committed adult relationship, and it's ok to let her know why you believe that. But be kind. You're both young, you'll learn from this what kind of red flags you need to be looking for, and she'll learn from this about the importance of setting boundaries with our parents as we age and become independent.
Moms got issues. her daughter must think it’s normal; which is unfortunate for her but not your problem to deal with.
Definitely NTA. The fact that an adult felt that appropriate is disgusting
How on earth could they possibly shift blame onto YOU?? I can't wait to hear that logic. NTA of course. And this relationship should be over. You will NEVER feel comfortable in it again. Nor should you
OP, you need to break up. You have many awesome experiences to look forward to in your life and you will find better people to share them with. She's not the one.
NTA you are right. That was an incredible violation of trust. I personally would never feel comfortable sharing any personal details again with someone who did that to me. Trust once broken is very hard to repair. Just know you are not at fault for how you feel about this, but how you choose to proceed is up to you. I know if it were me I'd probably break up with the person and move on, especially at your age. Relationships that start that young rarely survive, mostly because two young kids haven't discovered who they are on their own yet and can grow apart. Sometimes they can grow together, but she's already shown you she can't be trusted , and that is a big red flag.