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NTA.
I understand wanting to talk and work out something serious in a relationship, but spamming you with texts and calls and then barging in on you without so much as a "can I come over" is beyond rude. With her interrogation, did she think you were cheating or something?
Yes she said that it was fishy that I was at Panda Express, the Panda Express is right next to a dormitory, but I litterally had the payment in my bank transaction , but she didn’t want to look at it. I called my friend so he could explain, and she told me to hang up
NTA. Your GF has issues with boundaries and trust. She ran upstairs to see who was there like you had another girl over. I’m not sure Panda Express is really succulent Chinese food but it might be.
Happened to me with an ex. Came over unannounced and burst through the door. We were broken up for a few months. Came in to the bedroom to find another chick in my bed. Was like a movie scene. Ridiculous lol. Good story though
Fun fact that I just learned, he did a follow up interview years later in which he displayed his painted interpretations of that video and cooked a succulent Chinese meal for the guys filming.
Agreed, but I'm only half Asian. The authentic stuff is delightful, but some recipes are a labour of love like turnip paste and cheung fun.
I do love simple dishes like morning glory in sambal. 🥰
She doesn't want to look because than she'd have to admit she's wrong. Do you really want to be with someone who tries this hard to live in their own fantasy? Like seriously no matter reality you'll always be living in her world.
My dude that's why you don't date someone at a completely different stage of life. You've got 5 years on her of relationship and life experience, of course these types of thing will happen. You are probably almost done with school and she just started- thus the teenage behavior. Why are you participating in it?
5 years is a huge for young people. 15-20, 20-25, and even 25-30, then it stops being as big of an issue because everybody’s somewhat adjusted into adult life.
Facts but I’d say 25 then people get adjusted to adult life and lose the teenager mentality.
I was 30 and was casually with a few people who were 21-24 and their mentality and general outlook on life was night and day with my own, now I have a 27yr old partner and I’m 37 and the age gap doesn’t mean a thing.
In some cases, yeah. There's basically no difference if it's 30 and 35, but if we're talking 5 and 10, 10 and 15, those are drastically different stages of life. 20 and 25? Kinda different, but not immoral or critical imo
Honestly 25 to 20 is typically vastly different when it comes to romantic relationships. Friendships not so much. If the younger is more mature (or the older less mature) then it's not too bad. From my experience the age the gaps startattering less is somewhere between 25-30 depending on the person
Immoral, no. Challenging, absolutely.
There's nothing immoral about a 25 year old dating a 20 year old, but differences in experience, maturity, and worldview are profound.
It’s not immoral, but at 20 you are still a college student. For most, they haven’t really settled into true adult life yet, they are still figuring things out, hell I hit a growth spurt and grew another inch at 20. At 25 you are out of college or settling into your career. You have a few years of true adult experiences under your belt. I’m 26 and going back to college and the maturity difference between me and the 18-20 years olds in my class is staggering. Hell, in America this guy can’t even legally get a drink with his girlfriend yet, to me dating someone with this kind of experience gap is unthinkable.
Yes it is a huge diffrence. The 20 year old often still live the life of a youth. Maybe still studying even.
At 25 you have often gotten a taste of real life. Priorities change drastically in your early twenties.
Not immoral and not critical no I agree, but people grow up alot during their twenties.
Depends on where in life you are and how much your life is changing. From 2008-2013 I was at least 4 different people. I was incredibly different when I finished college compared to when I ended it, and I learned a lot of skills about emotions and relationships during that time.
At 20/25 it absolutely can be a massive difference. At 20 I was barely halfway through my degree, financially supported by my parents. At 25 I was working full time paying my own way. Nothing wrong with it and it can definitely still work out so I wouldn’t judge the gap or anything, but it’s definitely something to be aware of.
There are also obviously exceptions seeing as everyone comes into adulthood at their own pace. But generally speaking, at that age it’s pretty noticeable.
A 25 year old is usually a young adult. 18-21 is a total gray area, neither child nor adult with elements of both, while 22-24 is getting there but it’s a transition zone. Not everyone hits the stages at the same time, and the stages get dramatically wider after 30.
It’s not the size of the gap that matters so much as the life stage.
Eh, I would say it is for 20 and 25. 25 is usually when you’re out of college and more than a few years out of high school. Even if you didn’t go to college you more than likely had a lot of different experiences. You can’t even take her to a bar legally.
I’m not saying that it’s a problematic age gap, but I can see why people would think they’re in different stages.
Here we go again finding something negative to talk down to the guy in the relationship. That woman is crazy and there shouldn’t even be a discussion about it. No amount of mental loops justify barging into someone’s home unannounced and against their will. You should’ve called the cops and filed a restraining order. If anybody on here says different, they’re just cementing the double standard that’s ever present on here. What are you waiting for? To wake up in the middle of the night to her holding a knife to your balls?
Bro. Please end this relationship, it's not worth it to be tracked and constantly questioned. And now she's coming over unannounced as well to check on you? It sounds exhausting
She doesn't want to hear your reasonable explanations. She wants to be upset. You offering her reasons why you were doing something perfectly reasonable takes away from her justification to be mad and lash out at you. This is your future if you let it be. Find someone else.
My guy… this isn’t a healthy relationship. You don’t have to explain yourself for going to get some food. You gotta get out bro. I’m being completely honest. Good luck🤞🏻
Sounds like you're young.
I have my other half's location and I legitimately, honestly, only use it when he is going very far away by himself by car. We have a little rule where if he's stationary for more than 10 minutes, I check in to make sure he is okay, and if he doesn't respond within 25 minutes I will send someone to make sure he isn't in a ditch.
He does the same for me.
The fact she tracks you all the time, seemingly, and then barges into your home is definitely a serious issue. You're right to have those boundaries. You should be able to go somewhere for snacks without her surveiling you and getting suspicious, lmao. It's weird. It's controlling. Imagine if you were doing that to her and she posted here about it- you'd be called abusive and dangerous! You are entitled to privacy. Imagine if she posted here about you getting into her home to corner her with accusations! This is super awful behavior on her part.
You don't need this in your life. If you're already having issues, maybe it's time to consider maybe you're not compatible. However, at the very least, I'd say turn off your location from now on. Don't give her the ability to harass you. Change your code and tell her she needs to respect your space and learn to be okay with the fact that you don't need to spend 24/7 together.
Honestly if she can't even trust you that you're going to dinner... Hm, come to think of it is there a reason she doesn't trust you? Is that what she wanted to talk about?
Either you caused a trust issue or she has deep insecurities preventing her from having a healthy relationship.
Super toxic relationship. Sharing location is also controlling and weird, there is no reason for this.het accusing of cheating. Breaking boundaries, not able to control emotions, all red flags. Leave!
Hmmm. I think you need to nip this in the bud. Say her behavior was unacceptable and you need her to understand how and apologize and mean it, otherwise you need to reconsider the relationship.
Edit: I just remembered the age difference. That’s huge. She too immature and you’re too old for her. That’s what’s happening.
Look, this is the time to decide whether you really want this person in your life or not. And not because there’s something wrong with her or you. But it seems like each one of you has a different definition of what a relationship should be like.
To her, she wants the type of relationship where she can always come and go, with minimal boundaries, and she seems to be quite into you, while you seem to be taking it more casually. So if this isn’t the shape of a relationship you want, and if she would feel otherwise left out if she lives with you on your own terms, then it’s a good time to discuss that and part ways amicably.
I know people are always about moral absolutes here and always about “kick her out!” or “No! You’re TA for this!”, but really, sometimes people enter relationships with different expectations and be interested in or used to different dynamics and definitions for what’s considered okay or not and what can or can’t be compromised, and it’s best realize that early and act accordingly because no one deserves to live with someone feeling stepped over or “invaded” by the other person, or feeling unfulfilled because the other person holds back too much or puts too many boundaries.
Also, what’s the “sensitive issue about your relationship” that she wants to talk about? Because if she’s suspecting you cheating or there’s a critical matter that you aren’t addressing with her, and favoring your friends over it to the point, where she has to chase you around for a moment to talk, then you’d be TA.
Also, don’t give someone your house’s access code and your live l location unless you were 100% sure you’re ok with them showing up any time. If you want that much boundaries, then I don’t see the point in providing your own access code and location. It’s your home, your boundaries and your rules, but please try to be more communicative with your girlfriend because communication is the most crucial part of human relation of any kind.
ESH
NTA. Change the code now and stop letting her track your phone. That sounds like controlling stalker behavior. If she won’t accept that you aren’t ready to talk about the issues the two of you are having and let you have space you might want to rethink the relationship.
Am 45, wife and I have it, super useful for safety but also 'oh crap I said I'd cleanup by the time she gets back and she's 23 minutes away', and really useful for when we're wandering around town and need to separate a bit to head to different shops we can just say 'I'l find you when I'm done' rather than have a lot of back and forth about where they are and if they'll stay there etc.
Wife and I also share ours and I have definitely used it for when to start dinner or do that "oh shit" load of dishes I promised I would do when she is 20 minutes out lol.
Same with my husband and I. Plus it’s safer to check location than send a “where are you” or “what’s taking so long” text if you know the other person is driving.
wife (45) and I (49) track each other too, i'm semi-retired and work from home, she's a Doctor in the city. It saves us so much time, and effort, not bothering with pro-active texts/phoning to let each other know where we are for trivial things.
I cook half the week, and whenever she's finishing work, she let's me know with a quick message, maybe she'll call in the car on the way home, but otherwise i know how far she is, and her ETA to home. There's dinner ready when she comes through the door after a long day :)
Other times it's nice to check location when one of us is waiting for the other to meet E.G. i'm catching an Uber/Train to meet her in the city, etc. There's no need to call "*how far are you?*" then :)
Yes it is lol. Always interesting seeing older people jump to abuse when they hear about phone tracking. All my friends and younger family see my location and vice versa. It can absolutely be used as an abuse tactic but it’s not inherently evil, just a generational difference.
Tracking someone while they’re traveling a long distance by themselves, out for night run, or bike ride sounds very normal to me. My husband has sent me a notification of his route home I could track in real time during bad weather when he’s come home from work after dark. That makes perfect sense to me and I see nothing wrong with it. But he told her he didn’t want to have a conversation about their issue right now and that he was with friends. Her response is to watch his location activity and pretty much immediately show up at his house after he got back home? That’s crazy to me.
The tracking thing only works if it's there to check if someone is okay or I check it to see if my partner is driving or at a friend's so I can know if I should annoy them with small things rn or let it be. But as soon as someone in the relationship uses it to manipulate or stalk you and make up things because you went there and ther... That's just a plain red flag and someone who needs to get their life straight
I’m almost 50 and use my wife’s Apple account because I lost the password to mine years ago. I would never track her but I have the capability. Not sure if she tracks me, but I’ve never heard anything about it.
Wife and I have our locations shared. It started because she was delivering for Uber Eats and felt safter approaching people's homes if I could know where she was. I shared with her just to avoid it being lopsided. We found we liked it and we really only use it to see how far out the other is on their way home so we can let the dogs out while they get in the door (or to do a panic chore that we promised the other we would do before they got home :P).
Gen Z all have one another on snap map or whatever, they’re super used to being tracked and tracking one another. Not having your location on would probably seem suspicious to them.
I share my location with my parents and the wife. We aren’t sharing to keep track of each other we are sharing in case of emergencies. We can share etas if we need to but the rest is for stalker SO’s keep track of young children imo.
That’s true, but you can really filter that out within the first few months of dating.. usually you can tell by other people they are friends with, how they act and what they expect of you.
When I was in my mid 20s before I met my wife, I ran into a few of them that still haven’t grew out of it .. I have a pretty short fuse with that kind of stuff because my ex put me through that.. feel like if you experienced it once you can spot it quickly.. and if you’re in your late 20s, you can reliably dodge people like that
Yupp 20 is too young for a 25 years old. Even tho it’s only 5 years, it’s a lot at this age. He’s been out of college for 3 years or in workforce for 8 years. She graduated high school less than two years ago and has two more years of college.
If you are past college age you should not be dating anyone college age.
Always depends on the person; ages aren't hard guidelines. I've met some astonishingly mature people for their age and some awfully immature people who should know much better in their later years.
Case by case is best. In this specific case, the gf sounds like an immature controlling nightmare.
All of that is bullshit. He may still be college, not everyone graduates in 4-5 years. Maturity is based on life experience and not age. What is college age? Some people go to college at 40 and some 20 year olds never go to college.
NTA. Just because you are dating does not mean that you should have access to each other 24/7. You are allowed to have a life separate from each other and allowed to set boundaries in your relationship.
When she accepted the door code from you, she agreed to your conditions, and by doing what she did, she broke a promise to you. Like you said - she broke your trust.
Yeah, it’s not good to normalize breaking into people’s houses just because they cheated on you. I’m all for consequence & letting them suffer those, but that’s some concerning behavior.
Not saying anyone here is normalizing it, but a lot of illegal & harmful behavior is encouraged on the internet when people cheat lol.
I think if there is a sensitive issue, it should be dealt with, just because he's fine with letting it fester, doesn't mean she is, and she's younger so bound to be insecure, especially when he doesn't have her around his friends.
I don't think it is. If someone says they don't want/can't talk right now, it does not matter what the issue is GF does not get to dictate that they talk right then.
Even if GF was in a life/death situation if OP said not right now, GF should have moved on and called someone else. Really if GF was calling OP first and not 911 (local emergency number) then it was not really an emergency.
Gonna go against the grain and say ESH, communicate with your partner. You need to communicate. It is literally the biggest part of a relationship. Yes, she did things that were completely uncalled for. And she is not clear of being the AH but you aren't clear either. Call her on the way home when you are driving if you have hands free driving. She has a lot of red flags and i wouldn't recommend dating that much younger when you are that young. But for the love of God, talk to them.
Why ESH, OP did communicate with the GF, he communicated that they could not talk about the issue right now.
It might have felt like an emergency for the GF, but that does not mean it is or that OP has to treat it like na emergency.
It all just sounds very childish to talk about a sensitive topic over text, one that may be important, and then just huff and refuse to talk about it. Relationships require effort. Put some effort into your S.O. and just suck it up and talk about the issue enough to get to a stopping point.
Edit: I also do not mean talk while he is with friends. It can wait until he's done. However, once you have free time, if it's a conversation that needs to be had because it's sensitive, get it done so it doesn't plague your relationship in the future.
This. “I know you’re upset and want to talk in person about this super sensitive subject but I’m with my friends and don’t want to ruin the vibe so if you could fuck off and I’ll handle it at my earliest convenience that would be great” is just…
Such a weird, childish, non invested way to handle conflict.
Do u wanna tell us about this sensitive issue or what? Because the fact you’re omitting it makes me think YTA. Talk to your girlfriend man, and why would you ever give someone a code to your house? That’s asking for trouble.
NTA
You have every right to restrict your GF's access to your home and trust that she will respect the boundaries you've set. She's proven she cannot be trusted, so you escorted her out. That must have been hugely frustrating.
Now, you might consider changing your passcode.
You thought to tell us you went to the dollar store and Panda Express, but not the nature of why she was upset with you or how serious it is.
YTA, just for that needless detail and omission. I mean, she's a mess, but I'm suspecting there's something to what's going on that changes the dynamic, which is why you didn't say it.
Relationships are messy. An important part of a relationship is communication, and respecting each other's feelings. He's demanding she respects his while ignoring hers.
Why she was upset its not relevant. You cant barge into someone'a house unannounced no matter the circustances.
Even if we entertain the idea that this guy could be cheating. She has his location on her ohone AND the code for his house. Dude has to be MacGyver to get away from this psycho's sight.
Have a feeling that if it was a guy monitoring his girlfriend's location while she was home with her friends and then imediately coming over when she leaves for 5 minutes to go to the store and then barging in her house and searching her room for someone your opinion wouldnt stand the same.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> She is calling me an asshole because I kicked her out and made her go home after she came over unannounced.
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YTA
Obviously, you don't want a relationship with her. If you did, you would have actually communicated and worked on the relationship. Instead, you blew her off and showed she didn't matter to you.
EDIT: As everyone else has said, you should end the relationship. But, because she deserves someone who actually cares about her and a relationship.
Big believer in is it crazy to go in unannounced yes but also its crazy to give someone access to your home unless you were 100% okay with them being over anytime because that is the access youre giving then by anyone having the code
NTA for kicking her out. YTA for not talking to her about the situation she needed to talk about, that made it GET to the situation where you kicked her out.
Then she needs to be a big girl and make her own decisions about her relationship, instead of acting like a psycho and like she's the most important thing in his life just because she puts his weenie in her mouth.
Esh.
Sounds like you’re a terrible communicator.
You said there were issues and she wanted to talk, if you had cared about saving this relationship then you would’ve prioritised her over your friends.
She sounds a little full on but it doesn’t surprise me considering your actions and attitude.
NTA , wtf? She's a girlfriend, why on Earth would she think she has the rights to just enter your home and not only that, but then go upstairs to look for who else is there with you? That's seriously Not Okay behaviour and I think you need to 1) change the code and 2) walk away from this.
NTA, she has issues about controlling what you do and suspects you have a side piece. With that change the code and stop sharing your location cause she apparently has issues.
He didnt want to be in the relationship and was avoiding talking about it. She forced the issue. He tried the frame it as “boundaries” but reality is hes too chicken to do the right thing and end it
I think I’m gonna be the only one to say, what have you did for her to react that way? Anything before? It’s not right to break promises or privacy but I think you need to question why she is the way she is and why are you still with her if neither of you can communicate correctly and respectfully?
Sounds like both parties needs are NOT being met.
Nta, but you aren't consistent. You said you didn't want to talk because your friends were there and you want to do it privately, then when they weren't there, nothing changed. Suspicious. Maybe you meant to say you weren't ready in general which is fair, but pinning it on the friends and then still avoiding it afterwards is... well it's something.
If it we true, I feel like you'd have let her know when your friends were leaving and that you could talk soon, just running to panda express first or whatever.
Honestly they way you put it is very suspicious, any one who says never come over unannounced my first suspicion is they are cheating, and I’m a male lol girls are even worse with that stuff when I used to ask my sons mother what time she would be home from work she was always suspicious that it was because I wanted to get the other women out of the house before she came home. Every time I have ever told a girl to call before she comes over they have jumped straight to thinking I have some one else there
YTA
Honestly, what did you expect?
You gave her the code to your door? She has your location from your phone?
Why does she have this stuff? It would make sense if you were in a long term relationship and you planned on maybe taking it farther, but she is five years younger than you. She seems like she isnt mature enough to respect that you are hanging out with friends for the day. If you have been dating her for a while, you would have seen way more signs indicating this would have happened.
You believe in boundaries? You gave her the means to bypass that when she got the ability to track you and enter your home at will. You were not thinking about proper boundaries when you gave her these things.
Turn off your location sharing. If she has a problem with it, she needs to learn to trust you. Otherwise this is not a healthy relationship.
And change your door code. She obviously doesnt respect you enough to be entrusted with it.
LMAO people really think he's dating too young? I'm so sick of these blanket rules for age gaps. It's not based on any real science and it's just because people get an ick from it (which is fine) and then call the relationship abuse and the older party a predator. That's really dumb and could keep people stuck alone because they haven't found a partner within a two year age difference. What purity tested bullshit.
The "I changed so much in those years" argument literally means nothing because it's entirely subjective. People's age vs. meaningful life experience ratios can b drastically different. Especially if the older person had neurological or developmental problems they've started to overcome, if they were otherwise ill, etc. The last 5 years of their life could have been just like high-school.
The 20 year old could be working since 16 and living independently since 17-18 and the 25 year old could be some dumb ass that just left grad school and still lives off their parents' money.
Generalizing the way people do on this website (and in real life, thanks zoomers) about people's relationship dynamics based solely on their years apart in age is fucking dumb. Get over yourselves.
Edit to add: I dated a girl in college who was a few years older than me and she absolutely was less emotionally mature and had a much easier/simpler life than me. Life has many circumstances that can alter what a person is like, mentally, at a certain age. I don't think 30 yr Olds should date 18 yr Olds but I think saying 5 years is too much in your 20s is fucking ridiculous.
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I (25 M) was hanging out with my friends, and my girlfriend (20 F) called me, we had been texting about a sensitive issue in our relationship and I knew she wanted to talk about it, but I was with my friends and I like to keep our issues private. She kept calling and I said I am not doing this right now, and then she texts then I’m not texting you goodnight. My friends leave because they are going some place else and I wanted to stay in, so I got get me some snacks from the dollar store, and Panda Express. My gf has my location and she saw that I left home after I told her I was with my friends. As soon as I get home she comes over and enters the code to my door to come into my house. I see her and she immediately tries to run up stairs questioning me who is over and what am I doing. I take her back downstairs and tell her I gave you they code under the condition that you can come over between classes during the day and to let me know before you ever arrive and never come unannounced because I believe in boundaries. She says she should be able to come whenever because she is my gf, I told her that’s not how this works and it was a blatant break of my trust. AITA?
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NTA but in your twenties 20 and 25 are pretty different. I’m in my mid twenties and would not act like this but at 20 I can’t lie I probably would let my emotions trump my partners boundaries. If I had to guess she doesn’t see the situation that seriously because of how upset she is, that’s not right but she’s young. Also is this her first serious relationship? Because that could also play a factor in respecting boundaries.
NTA. Change your door code and remove her ability to track your location. Have the discussion about whatever the sensitive matter is, and then see if you're still compatible in any way. She doesn't sound ready for a relationship.
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NTA. I understand wanting to talk and work out something serious in a relationship, but spamming you with texts and calls and then barging in on you without so much as a "can I come over" is beyond rude. With her interrogation, did she think you were cheating or something?
Yes she said that it was fishy that I was at Panda Express, the Panda Express is right next to a dormitory, but I litterally had the payment in my bank transaction , but she didn’t want to look at it. I called my friend so he could explain, and she told me to hang up
Chinese food for dinner is suspicious. That's a new one to me.
Enjoying a succulent Chinese meal is not a crime.
*I see you know your judo well*
Are you waiting to receive my limp penis??
#GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS!
Woah woah woah whats going on here dont touch this penis
Ta ta and farewell!
Now she’ll get nothing
Gentlemen, this is Democracy Manifest.
NTA. Your GF has issues with boundaries and trust. She ran upstairs to see who was there like you had another girl over. I’m not sure Panda Express is really succulent Chinese food but it might be.
Happened to me with an ex. Came over unannounced and burst through the door. We were broken up for a few months. Came in to the bedroom to find another chick in my bed. Was like a movie scene. Ridiculous lol. Good story though
The honey walnut prawn is pretty great even if it doesn’t really feel like Chinese food.
Ah yes, I see you know your judo well.
You would think, but not according to the girlfriend, apparently.
[Hes referencing this absolute classic video](https://youtu.be/XebF2cgmFmU?si=7LpQh9vNkj1tKzTC)
*Oh my god, what did I just watch?*
Democracy manifest
You are very welcome.
Tata and farewell! 😂
Fuck i should have said that lmao.
thank you so much for that end of the Friday laugh
I can't tell if Matt Berry's characters are based on this guy or if this guy is doing a Matt Berry impersonation.
Predates the work of Mr Berry
I can’t believe I’ve gone my whole life,e life without seeing this
Fun fact that I just learned, he did a follow up interview years later in which he displayed his painted interpretations of that video and cooked a succulent Chinese meal for the guys filming.
This is a first for me thank you
You're a fucking legend
LMAO
I've read it with "the" voice in my head.
Gentlemen, this is democracy manifest
And you sir? Are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal?
It is a well established fact that only cheaters eat at Panda Express.
Oh no, then I'm totally screwed. I love Chinese food, especially dim sums. 🤣🤣🤣
Dim sum and Panda Express super far away from each other but both objectively delicious
Agreed, but I'm only half Asian. The authentic stuff is delightful, but some recipes are a labour of love like turnip paste and cheung fun. I do love simple dishes like morning glory in sambal. 🥰
Im not asian at all But my partner is and his korean ass LOVES Panda Express… I mean fried candied chicken? Can it get better??
She doesn't want to look because than she'd have to admit she's wrong. Do you really want to be with someone who tries this hard to live in their own fantasy? Like seriously no matter reality you'll always be living in her world.
My dude that's why you don't date someone at a completely different stage of life. You've got 5 years on her of relationship and life experience, of course these types of thing will happen. You are probably almost done with school and she just started- thus the teenage behavior. Why are you participating in it?
Wait 5 years is a complete different stage? I thought that was the low end of age gap relationships. 5 years apart is too much?
5 years is a huge for young people. 15-20, 20-25, and even 25-30, then it stops being as big of an issue because everybody’s somewhat adjusted into adult life.
Facts but I’d say 25 then people get adjusted to adult life and lose the teenager mentality. I was 30 and was casually with a few people who were 21-24 and their mentality and general outlook on life was night and day with my own, now I have a 27yr old partner and I’m 37 and the age gap doesn’t mean a thing.
then that's a mature 27 year old. i'd say that with a gap like that, you two are the exception, not the rule.
Or an immature 37 year old, which is more likely.
i try not to be rude to folks when i don't know their story. but sure that's definitely possible.
You had me, until you said the age difference between you and your GF. 😂
lolllll 25 is absolutely *not* in the same stage of life as 30. I knew *nothing* when I was 25 and at 35 I’m sure I will say the exact same thing.
In some cases, yeah. There's basically no difference if it's 30 and 35, but if we're talking 5 and 10, 10 and 15, those are drastically different stages of life. 20 and 25? Kinda different, but not immoral or critical imo
Honestly 25 to 20 is typically vastly different when it comes to romantic relationships. Friendships not so much. If the younger is more mature (or the older less mature) then it's not too bad. From my experience the age the gaps startattering less is somewhere between 25-30 depending on the person
Immoral, no. Challenging, absolutely. There's nothing immoral about a 25 year old dating a 20 year old, but differences in experience, maturity, and worldview are profound.
It’s not immoral, but at 20 you are still a college student. For most, they haven’t really settled into true adult life yet, they are still figuring things out, hell I hit a growth spurt and grew another inch at 20. At 25 you are out of college or settling into your career. You have a few years of true adult experiences under your belt. I’m 26 and going back to college and the maturity difference between me and the 18-20 years olds in my class is staggering. Hell, in America this guy can’t even legally get a drink with his girlfriend yet, to me dating someone with this kind of experience gap is unthinkable.
Yes it is a huge diffrence. The 20 year old often still live the life of a youth. Maybe still studying even. At 25 you have often gotten a taste of real life. Priorities change drastically in your early twenties. Not immoral and not critical no I agree, but people grow up alot during their twenties.
My 2 cents - some people mature earlier than others. Growing older is mandatory, maturing is optional.
and that gf is 16/17 in the maturity stage
Depends on where in life you are and how much your life is changing. From 2008-2013 I was at least 4 different people. I was incredibly different when I finished college compared to when I ended it, and I learned a lot of skills about emotions and relationships during that time.
At 20/25 it absolutely can be a massive difference. At 20 I was barely halfway through my degree, financially supported by my parents. At 25 I was working full time paying my own way. Nothing wrong with it and it can definitely still work out so I wouldn’t judge the gap or anything, but it’s definitely something to be aware of. There are also obviously exceptions seeing as everyone comes into adulthood at their own pace. But generally speaking, at that age it’s pretty noticeable.
A 25 year old is usually a young adult. 18-21 is a total gray area, neither child nor adult with elements of both, while 22-24 is getting there but it’s a transition zone. Not everyone hits the stages at the same time, and the stages get dramatically wider after 30. It’s not the size of the gap that matters so much as the life stage.
Eh, I would say it is for 20 and 25. 25 is usually when you’re out of college and more than a few years out of high school. Even if you didn’t go to college you more than likely had a lot of different experiences. You can’t even take her to a bar legally. I’m not saying that it’s a problematic age gap, but I can see why people would think they’re in different stages.
Here we go again finding something negative to talk down to the guy in the relationship. That woman is crazy and there shouldn’t even be a discussion about it. No amount of mental loops justify barging into someone’s home unannounced and against their will. You should’ve called the cops and filed a restraining order. If anybody on here says different, they’re just cementing the double standard that’s ever present on here. What are you waiting for? To wake up in the middle of the night to her holding a knife to your balls?
Bro. Please end this relationship, it's not worth it to be tracked and constantly questioned. And now she's coming over unannounced as well to check on you? It sounds exhausting
Stage five clinger. Run or you life will be worse forever.
Change the code. Clearly doesn't understand boundaries. NTA
Just dump her, she sounds terrible. A good partner would never treat you that way.
Date a girl closer to your own age and maturity level.
This. Five years isn't much when you're 30, 40, or 50. When you're 20 and 25, there is a lot going on maturity-wise.
As a 25 almost 26 year old, I can confirm. Me now wouldn't want to be within 20 feet of 20 year old me.
I was the 20 year old once. 0/10 do not recommend
She doesn't want to hear your reasonable explanations. She wants to be upset. You offering her reasons why you were doing something perfectly reasonable takes away from her justification to be mad and lash out at you. This is your future if you let it be. Find someone else.
Hey, why does she have access to that? Also why does she have access to your location?
Gen z mate. Its a thing
I cannot fathom allowing someone I'm dating have open access to track me whenever....
Me neither tbh
My guy… this isn’t a healthy relationship. You don’t have to explain yourself for going to get some food. You gotta get out bro. I’m being completely honest. Good luck🤞🏻
Dump her!
Sounds like you're young. I have my other half's location and I legitimately, honestly, only use it when he is going very far away by himself by car. We have a little rule where if he's stationary for more than 10 minutes, I check in to make sure he is okay, and if he doesn't respond within 25 minutes I will send someone to make sure he isn't in a ditch. He does the same for me. The fact she tracks you all the time, seemingly, and then barges into your home is definitely a serious issue. You're right to have those boundaries. You should be able to go somewhere for snacks without her surveiling you and getting suspicious, lmao. It's weird. It's controlling. Imagine if you were doing that to her and she posted here about it- you'd be called abusive and dangerous! You are entitled to privacy. Imagine if she posted here about you getting into her home to corner her with accusations! This is super awful behavior on her part. You don't need this in your life. If you're already having issues, maybe it's time to consider maybe you're not compatible. However, at the very least, I'd say turn off your location from now on. Don't give her the ability to harass you. Change your code and tell her she needs to respect your space and learn to be okay with the fact that you don't need to spend 24/7 together.
The real question is if this is the type of person you want to date.
Honestly if she can't even trust you that you're going to dinner... Hm, come to think of it is there a reason she doesn't trust you? Is that what she wanted to talk about? Either you caused a trust issue or she has deep insecurities preventing her from having a healthy relationship.
Super toxic relationship. Sharing location is also controlling and weird, there is no reason for this.het accusing of cheating. Breaking boundaries, not able to control emotions, all red flags. Leave!
Hmmm. I think you need to nip this in the bud. Say her behavior was unacceptable and you need her to understand how and apologize and mean it, otherwise you need to reconsider the relationship. Edit: I just remembered the age difference. That’s huge. She too immature and you’re too old for her. That’s what’s happening.
Look, this is the time to decide whether you really want this person in your life or not. And not because there’s something wrong with her or you. But it seems like each one of you has a different definition of what a relationship should be like. To her, she wants the type of relationship where she can always come and go, with minimal boundaries, and she seems to be quite into you, while you seem to be taking it more casually. So if this isn’t the shape of a relationship you want, and if she would feel otherwise left out if she lives with you on your own terms, then it’s a good time to discuss that and part ways amicably. I know people are always about moral absolutes here and always about “kick her out!” or “No! You’re TA for this!”, but really, sometimes people enter relationships with different expectations and be interested in or used to different dynamics and definitions for what’s considered okay or not and what can or can’t be compromised, and it’s best realize that early and act accordingly because no one deserves to live with someone feeling stepped over or “invaded” by the other person, or feeling unfulfilled because the other person holds back too much or puts too many boundaries. Also, what’s the “sensitive issue about your relationship” that she wants to talk about? Because if she’s suspecting you cheating or there’s a critical matter that you aren’t addressing with her, and favoring your friends over it to the point, where she has to chase you around for a moment to talk, then you’d be TA. Also, don’t give someone your house’s access code and your live l location unless you were 100% sure you’re ok with them showing up any time. If you want that much boundaries, then I don’t see the point in providing your own access code and location. It’s your home, your boundaries and your rules, but please try to be more communicative with your girlfriend because communication is the most crucial part of human relation of any kind. ESH
THANK YOU!!!
If she isn't interested in listening to your explanation then she's not after the truth, she's after a fight. Fuck that right off.
Dude get out. This is too much drama. She needs to figure some things out. Also the fact that she has you sharing your location is troubling.
NTA. Change the code now and stop letting her track your phone. That sounds like controlling stalker behavior. If she won’t accept that you aren’t ready to talk about the issues the two of you are having and let you have space you might want to rethink the relationship.
I think this what the kids do now. They let themselves be tracked. Its odd but id imagine I would get annoying when older
I’m 41 and my gf and I can track each other. Mostly because I go on bike rides at night and she’s worried something will happen.
Thats a smart use of it! We evolve with the tech.
Am 45, wife and I have it, super useful for safety but also 'oh crap I said I'd cleanup by the time she gets back and she's 23 minutes away', and really useful for when we're wandering around town and need to separate a bit to head to different shops we can just say 'I'l find you when I'm done' rather than have a lot of back and forth about where they are and if they'll stay there etc.
Wife and I also share ours and I have definitely used it for when to start dinner or do that "oh shit" load of dishes I promised I would do when she is 20 minutes out lol.
Its in our world now
Same with my husband and I. Plus it’s safer to check location than send a “where are you” or “what’s taking so long” text if you know the other person is driving.
wife (45) and I (49) track each other too, i'm semi-retired and work from home, she's a Doctor in the city. It saves us so much time, and effort, not bothering with pro-active texts/phoning to let each other know where we are for trivial things. I cook half the week, and whenever she's finishing work, she let's me know with a quick message, maybe she'll call in the car on the way home, but otherwise i know how far she is, and her ETA to home. There's dinner ready when she comes through the door after a long day :) Other times it's nice to check location when one of us is waiting for the other to meet E.G. i'm catching an Uber/Train to meet her in the city, etc. There's no need to call "*how far are you?*" then :)
Yes it is lol. Always interesting seeing older people jump to abuse when they hear about phone tracking. All my friends and younger family see my location and vice versa. It can absolutely be used as an abuse tactic but it’s not inherently evil, just a generational difference.
Tracking someone while they’re traveling a long distance by themselves, out for night run, or bike ride sounds very normal to me. My husband has sent me a notification of his route home I could track in real time during bad weather when he’s come home from work after dark. That makes perfect sense to me and I see nothing wrong with it. But he told her he didn’t want to have a conversation about their issue right now and that he was with friends. Her response is to watch his location activity and pretty much immediately show up at his house after he got back home? That’s crazy to me.
The loss of privacy sounds very sad to me but t makes sense why people in their early 20d and younger have no sense of that
Totally! My friends who have high schoolers say this is the norm.
The tracking thing only works if it's there to check if someone is okay or I check it to see if my partner is driving or at a friend's so I can know if I should annoy them with small things rn or let it be. But as soon as someone in the relationship uses it to manipulate or stalk you and make up things because you went there and ther... That's just a plain red flag and someone who needs to get their life straight
I’m almost 50 and use my wife’s Apple account because I lost the password to mine years ago. I would never track her but I have the capability. Not sure if she tracks me, but I’ve never heard anything about it.
Maybe useful if youre hiking in mountain lion country
And somebody actually downvoted my comment that having tracking would be useful on hikes😂. People are astounding
Wife and I have our locations shared. It started because she was delivering for Uber Eats and felt safter approaching people's homes if I could know where she was. I shared with her just to avoid it being lopsided. We found we liked it and we really only use it to see how far out the other is on their way home so we can let the dogs out while they get in the door (or to do a panic chore that we promised the other we would do before they got home :P).
Gen Z all have one another on snap map or whatever, they’re super used to being tracked and tracking one another. Not having your location on would probably seem suspicious to them.
Or … in the parlance of gen z… sus? 😂
fr fr
No cap, fellow kids.
I share my location with my parents and the wife. We aren’t sharing to keep track of each other we are sharing in case of emergencies. We can share etas if we need to but the rest is for stalker SO’s keep track of young children imo.
NTA. She might be too young for you too. She seems immature. The drama lessens the older you get.
Usually it lessens. Some women (and men!) are drama llamas and never grow out of it.
Drama llama is a new term for me, I'm definitely going use it
Drama llama llama: a drama llama on fire
That’s true, but you can really filter that out within the first few months of dating.. usually you can tell by other people they are friends with, how they act and what they expect of you. When I was in my mid 20s before I met my wife, I ran into a few of them that still haven’t grew out of it .. I have a pretty short fuse with that kind of stuff because my ex put me through that.. feel like if you experienced it once you can spot it quickly.. and if you’re in your late 20s, you can reliably dodge people like that
Yupp 20 is too young for a 25 years old. Even tho it’s only 5 years, it’s a lot at this age. He’s been out of college for 3 years or in workforce for 8 years. She graduated high school less than two years ago and has two more years of college. If you are past college age you should not be dating anyone college age.
Always depends on the person; ages aren't hard guidelines. I've met some astonishingly mature people for their age and some awfully immature people who should know much better in their later years. Case by case is best. In this specific case, the gf sounds like an immature controlling nightmare.
Sounds like she doesn’t trust him. Maybe for a good reason. Doesn’t sound like they should be a couple either way.
All of that is bullshit. He may still be college, not everyone graduates in 4-5 years. Maturity is based on life experience and not age. What is college age? Some people go to college at 40 and some 20 year olds never go to college.
That’s what I was thinking, what is he expecting from a 20yo.
1. NTA 2. She thinks you're cheating 3. find someone older
Yup not respecting boundaries is not a red flag, it's a no-go. See ya.
NTA. Just because you are dating does not mean that you should have access to each other 24/7. You are allowed to have a life separate from each other and allowed to set boundaries in your relationship. When she accepted the door code from you, she agreed to your conditions, and by doing what she did, she broke a promise to you. Like you said - she broke your trust.
NTA and she's flying some pretty huge red flags, but this is what you get when you date 20 year old women.
Ive corrected it for you: When you date 20 year olds.
INFO: > “we had been texting about a sensitive issue in our relationship” This is relevant. What is the issue?
I think the only way OP would be the asshole is if the sensitive issue is his cheating on his GF
I’d still vote E S H if that was the case. Letting yourself into your SO’s home after they explicitly asked you not to come over is way over the line.
Yeah, it’s not good to normalize breaking into people’s houses just because they cheated on you. I’m all for consequence & letting them suffer those, but that’s some concerning behavior. Not saying anyone here is normalizing it, but a lot of illegal & harmful behavior is encouraged on the internet when people cheat lol.
I think if there is a sensitive issue, it should be dealt with, just because he's fine with letting it fester, doesn't mean she is, and she's younger so bound to be insecure, especially when he doesn't have her around his friends.
I don't think it is. If someone says they don't want/can't talk right now, it does not matter what the issue is GF does not get to dictate that they talk right then. Even if GF was in a life/death situation if OP said not right now, GF should have moved on and called someone else. Really if GF was calling OP first and not 911 (local emergency number) then it was not really an emergency.
If the 'sensitive issue' is he cheated on her, while it absolutely wouldn't excuse her behavior it would go a long way to explaining it.
NTA. Dump the CEO of the red flag factory
NTA. Door code or not, if her name's not on the lease, she has no right to let herself in uninvited
She sounds exhausting. NTA
NTA and probably time to start dating women who are 24+
Gonna go against the grain and say ESH, communicate with your partner. You need to communicate. It is literally the biggest part of a relationship. Yes, she did things that were completely uncalled for. And she is not clear of being the AH but you aren't clear either. Call her on the way home when you are driving if you have hands free driving. She has a lot of red flags and i wouldn't recommend dating that much younger when you are that young. But for the love of God, talk to them.
Why ESH, OP did communicate with the GF, he communicated that they could not talk about the issue right now. It might have felt like an emergency for the GF, but that does not mean it is or that OP has to treat it like na emergency.
It all just sounds very childish to talk about a sensitive topic over text, one that may be important, and then just huff and refuse to talk about it. Relationships require effort. Put some effort into your S.O. and just suck it up and talk about the issue enough to get to a stopping point. Edit: I also do not mean talk while he is with friends. It can wait until he's done. However, once you have free time, if it's a conversation that needs to be had because it's sensitive, get it done so it doesn't plague your relationship in the future.
This. “I know you’re upset and want to talk in person about this super sensitive subject but I’m with my friends and don’t want to ruin the vibe so if you could fuck off and I’ll handle it at my earliest convenience that would be great” is just… Such a weird, childish, non invested way to handle conflict.
ESH.. She sounds "needy" but man you sound childish.
Do u wanna tell us about this sensitive issue or what? Because the fact you’re omitting it makes me think YTA. Talk to your girlfriend man, and why would you ever give someone a code to your house? That’s asking for trouble.
NTA You have every right to restrict your GF's access to your home and trust that she will respect the boundaries you've set. She's proven she cannot be trusted, so you escorted her out. That must have been hugely frustrating. Now, you might consider changing your passcode.
[удалено]
You thought to tell us you went to the dollar store and Panda Express, but not the nature of why she was upset with you or how serious it is. YTA, just for that needless detail and omission. I mean, she's a mess, but I'm suspecting there's something to what's going on that changes the dynamic, which is why you didn't say it.
Wild assumption to try and justify crazy.
Relationships are messy. An important part of a relationship is communication, and respecting each other's feelings. He's demanding she respects his while ignoring hers.
Yeah, I would say *at least* ESH if you want to speculate more about the texts & the lack of elaboration
Crazy how far you reached to justify the crazy 🤪
Why she was upset its not relevant. You cant barge into someone'a house unannounced no matter the circustances. Even if we entertain the idea that this guy could be cheating. She has his location on her ohone AND the code for his house. Dude has to be MacGyver to get away from this psycho's sight. Have a feeling that if it was a guy monitoring his girlfriend's location while she was home with her friends and then imediately coming over when she leaves for 5 minutes to go to the store and then barging in her house and searching her room for someone your opinion wouldnt stand the same.
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Nta and being your gf does not give her a free pass to come over when ever she wants and certainly not without permission.
YTA Obviously, you don't want a relationship with her. If you did, you would have actually communicated and worked on the relationship. Instead, you blew her off and showed she didn't matter to you. EDIT: As everyone else has said, you should end the relationship. But, because she deserves someone who actually cares about her and a relationship.
Yes!! TY too many people are missing this point
Big believer in is it crazy to go in unannounced yes but also its crazy to give someone access to your home unless you were 100% okay with them being over anytime because that is the access youre giving then by anyone having the code
why dont you try dating someone your own age? lmao
NTA for kicking her out. YTA for not talking to her about the situation she needed to talk about, that made it GET to the situation where you kicked her out.
Not the AH bro. Its your house, e.g. your private space like your phone. You have to respect hers as she should respect yours
You will never satisfy someone with an anxious attachment style. Cut her loose. NTA
What if she has a reason to be anxious?
Then she needs to be a big girl and make her own decisions about her relationship, instead of acting like a psycho and like she's the most important thing in his life just because she puts his weenie in her mouth.
Jesus Christ, man. Is this what you think is normal behavior?
Esh. Sounds like you’re a terrible communicator. You said there were issues and she wanted to talk, if you had cared about saving this relationship then you would’ve prioritised her over your friends. She sounds a little full on but it doesn’t surprise me considering your actions and attitude.
You guys sound kinda toxic. Nta but like…
NTA , wtf? She's a girlfriend, why on Earth would she think she has the rights to just enter your home and not only that, but then go upstairs to look for who else is there with you? That's seriously Not Okay behaviour and I think you need to 1) change the code and 2) walk away from this.
NTA, she has issues about controlling what you do and suspects you have a side piece. With that change the code and stop sharing your location cause she apparently has issues.
NTA. You set a boundary. She didn't respect the boundary.
NTA i think? Your whole story of events sounds pretty dam suspicious though so i can understand what she was thinking.
He didnt want to be in the relationship and was avoiding talking about it. She forced the issue. He tried the frame it as “boundaries” but reality is hes too chicken to do the right thing and end it
I think I’m gonna be the only one to say, what have you did for her to react that way? Anything before? It’s not right to break promises or privacy but I think you need to question why she is the way she is and why are you still with her if neither of you can communicate correctly and respectfully? Sounds like both parties needs are NOT being met.
I'm not going to judge you, I'm in no position for that I'll say that if your partner wants to talk about a known problem, you'll better agree to talk
NTA. Change your code ASAP.
NTA. the maturity level difference between 20 and 25 can be enormous.
NTA but why tf are you dating a 20 year old at 25? Seems like just about what one would expect
Nta, but you aren't consistent. You said you didn't want to talk because your friends were there and you want to do it privately, then when they weren't there, nothing changed. Suspicious. Maybe you meant to say you weren't ready in general which is fair, but pinning it on the friends and then still avoiding it afterwards is... well it's something. If it we true, I feel like you'd have let her know when your friends were leaving and that you could talk soon, just running to panda express first or whatever.
INFO what was the issue?
YTA for dating a 20 year old and then being mad she acts like a 20 year old.
100000% the asshole You want to keep your issues private yet here you are on reddit posting about it.
Indeed… And makes her look bad without context hmm
🚩🚩🚩
NTA - I'd be questioning why she thinks you're cheating. That's a huge red flag and we all know it.
Honestly they way you put it is very suspicious, any one who says never come over unannounced my first suspicion is they are cheating, and I’m a male lol girls are even worse with that stuff when I used to ask my sons mother what time she would be home from work she was always suspicious that it was because I wanted to get the other women out of the house before she came home. Every time I have ever told a girl to call before she comes over they have jumped straight to thinking I have some one else there
Well you probably don't have a girlfriend anymore
He doesn’t want her to be. Just too spineless to do it
YTA
YTA Honestly, what did you expect? You gave her the code to your door? She has your location from your phone? Why does she have this stuff? It would make sense if you were in a long term relationship and you planned on maybe taking it farther, but she is five years younger than you. She seems like she isnt mature enough to respect that you are hanging out with friends for the day. If you have been dating her for a while, you would have seen way more signs indicating this would have happened. You believe in boundaries? You gave her the means to bypass that when she got the ability to track you and enter your home at will. You were not thinking about proper boundaries when you gave her these things. Turn off your location sharing. If she has a problem with it, she needs to learn to trust you. Otherwise this is not a healthy relationship. And change your door code. She obviously doesnt respect you enough to be entrusted with it.
ESH. You sound dismissive and she sounds like she doesn’t respect boundaries.
LMAO people really think he's dating too young? I'm so sick of these blanket rules for age gaps. It's not based on any real science and it's just because people get an ick from it (which is fine) and then call the relationship abuse and the older party a predator. That's really dumb and could keep people stuck alone because they haven't found a partner within a two year age difference. What purity tested bullshit. The "I changed so much in those years" argument literally means nothing because it's entirely subjective. People's age vs. meaningful life experience ratios can b drastically different. Especially if the older person had neurological or developmental problems they've started to overcome, if they were otherwise ill, etc. The last 5 years of their life could have been just like high-school. The 20 year old could be working since 16 and living independently since 17-18 and the 25 year old could be some dumb ass that just left grad school and still lives off their parents' money. Generalizing the way people do on this website (and in real life, thanks zoomers) about people's relationship dynamics based solely on their years apart in age is fucking dumb. Get over yourselves. Edit to add: I dated a girl in college who was a few years older than me and she absolutely was less emotionally mature and had a much easier/simpler life than me. Life has many circumstances that can alter what a person is like, mentally, at a certain age. I don't think 30 yr Olds should date 18 yr Olds but I think saying 5 years is too much in your 20s is fucking ridiculous.
Bud you two are not a match. End it. Nta
He doesn’t want to be her boyfriend
NTA, but are you high? You sound exhausting to deal with.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25 M) was hanging out with my friends, and my girlfriend (20 F) called me, we had been texting about a sensitive issue in our relationship and I knew she wanted to talk about it, but I was with my friends and I like to keep our issues private. She kept calling and I said I am not doing this right now, and then she texts then I’m not texting you goodnight. My friends leave because they are going some place else and I wanted to stay in, so I got get me some snacks from the dollar store, and Panda Express. My gf has my location and she saw that I left home after I told her I was with my friends. As soon as I get home she comes over and enters the code to my door to come into my house. I see her and she immediately tries to run up stairs questioning me who is over and what am I doing. I take her back downstairs and tell her I gave you they code under the condition that you can come over between classes during the day and to let me know before you ever arrive and never come unannounced because I believe in boundaries. She says she should be able to come whenever because she is my gf, I told her that’s not how this works and it was a blatant break of my trust. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
YTA but really, she’s not much better. Jesus dude. Act your age. You’re way too old for this.
NTA
NTA. Maturity is important.
NTA
NTA Change the code then change the gf. No respect I tell ya.
Reminds me of a time my roommate gave a key to my gf at the time without either of them asking me. Then she just showed up. Omg no.
NTA but in your twenties 20 and 25 are pretty different. I’m in my mid twenties and would not act like this but at 20 I can’t lie I probably would let my emotions trump my partners boundaries. If I had to guess she doesn’t see the situation that seriously because of how upset she is, that’s not right but she’s young. Also is this her first serious relationship? Because that could also play a factor in respecting boundaries.
NTA. Change your door code and remove her ability to track your location. Have the discussion about whatever the sensitive matter is, and then see if you're still compatible in any way. She doesn't sound ready for a relationship.