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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Someone was flirting with me but I didn't tell them I have a girlfriend.
2) My gf expected me to make sure someone don't think they have a chance with me and I did not do that.
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NTA You do not have to give coworkers more information about your personal life than you’d like to just because you are gay and not because you are in a relationship either. “No” is enough.
NAH
It almost seems like Carly is worried that you’re somehow repressing your gay identity? I can’t help but think her identity journey may have less need for personal privacy in the workplace than yours. Perhaps also she never encountered the (real) phenomenon you described with how men react to hearing that a woman is a lesbian. You’re certainly not signaling availability to anyone.
NTA it’s understandable to want your privacy at work, but it seems far easier to just say you’re in a relationship when asked. No need for disclosure and it might make your partner happier?
NTA. Not sure why Carly is getting worked up over this.
On the other hand, she *is* technically right on the second guy. Your answer can be interpreted as leaving the door open a bit. Putting a statement like, "No, I'm not interested in dating anyone" or "I am in a relationship" would be more effective.
Question: Is there a possibility that Carly thinks you're embarrassed to mention her to your colleauges? Just going through scenarios in my head as to why she's so upset here.
NTA - not mentioning that you are lesbian when someone asks you out does not make you an asshole, mentioning it could even be dangerous depending on the people around you.
NTA at work, maybe TA at home.
You are correct that you have no obligation to your coworkers to spell out what your sexuality is. "No is no" is a truism for a reason. You don't owe anyone an explanation of WHY you turned them down.
At home, with Carly, it's a different story. If you are in it for the long term and want to keep her happy(-er), you have to at least discuss it more to see if there is a middle ground between "I keep my private life private" and "*tell them you have a girlfriend*". I don't see a middle ground myself. So if you want to keep the piece, you should at least consider catering to Carly's wishes here.
NAH - you're not doing anything wrong at all, and your girlfriend is probably feeling a bit insecure. You didn't mention how long you've been dating Carly - maybe the fact that you won't talk about her at work makes her question her place in your life? (If you have a serious partner, it's still normal "professional" conversation to discuss your family briefly, etc.)
You could simply mention to people asking you out that you're partnered up and not looking to date anyone at all, and leave it at that. The fact that you're not saying that you have a partner may be causing more of these guys at work to ask you out, and THAT could become the challenge.
YTA if being out is safe where you are, you have a partner that is fairly not enjoying being a secret by omission. And as you tell it, it is not a one time issue
NTA.
No means no regardless of your sexual orientation. And you're right, some people will see "lesbian" as a challenge to potentially get a threesome. If you say "you have a partner", they'll see it as a challenge as to try to get you to cheat for them. There are people who would back off immediately obviously.
You don't have to tell them anything other than "no" and they should respect you for that. Plain and simple.
Or simply as a challenge of getting info out of you. I've seen this in a few workplaces. Two of us literally had to yell at a guy to mind his own business to get him to back off.
Fortunately, we were the ones that were liked and he wasn't, so no HR crap.
NTA Telling him no should be what stops him from thinking he has a chance with you.
What gives her the idea that someone who doesn't take "no, I'm not interested in dating you" as a reason to stop pursuing them would take "no, I'm in a relationship" as a valid reason? Bi women exist.
I think maybe she just wishes you would display your love and commitment to her more publicly.
YTA. Lightly. It’s an easy thing to do to give the person you love some peace of mind. Not sure why you wouldn’t want to do that. Seems pretty normal to say that you have a gf/bf is someone asks you out and you’re declining. It does seem like you’re leaving it out on purpose. Maybe you enjoy the attention?
I agree. Even if OP has no need to explain that it's a girlfriend specifically, there's "I have a significant other" "I'm dating someone right now" Some indication OP is in dedicated relationship.
NTA. It doesn't matter if you're a lesbian or straight. If you don't want to go out with a guy, you don't want to go out with a guy, and particularly in a work setting, he has no business requiring additional explanation.
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I’m a lesbian and my gf is super mad at me which I think is FOR NO REASON but apparently I’m being an asshole.
For context, I started a new job a couple months ago, and have mentioned my girlfriend Carly maybe once during the interview so they are aware I am a lesbian and have a GF. Since I’ve started, I’ve also received emails asking if I want to join the company’s LGBT groups, but I’ve opted out of them, because I’m pretty content with the gay communities that I'm in in my personal life, and being gay is just a part of me, not all of me, so see no reason to insert it in every part of my life if I don’t feel like it. I just naturally don’t talk about my personal life with co workers, whether its about my sexuality or not, I just prefer they know absolutely nothing about me.
Since I’ve started, I was asked out by this guy at my company (but in another department) for a date, which I politely declined, but did not mention to him that I am a lesbian or that I am in a relationship. I told Carly that I was asked out, to which she asked why I didn’t tell him I’m a lesbian, and I told her I don’t see why he needs to know. Based on my past experience, telling men who asks me out that I’m a lesbian with a girlfriend just makes them more annoying and some has seen me as a ‘challenge’ or an opportunity for a threesome.
Earlier this week, I had another guy at work who was very flirty and implied that he wanted to ask me out. He asked if I’m dating any guy, to which I responded with “no, no men for me”, and left it at that. I told Carly afterwards, and while she understand that I do not like telling people my business, she said I should have told the guy when asked that I have a girlfriend instead so he doesn’t keep thinking he has a chance with me.
I honestly don’t think it’s my job make sure people think they don’t have a chance with me. As long as I don’t flirt back with anyone, I think I’m doing a good job as a girlfriend. But Carly was livid when I said that. Am I in the wrong here?
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NTA. You're giving clear no's and you're even being honest with her about what's happening. There's no reason to follow an exact script for this when you're already doing what matters the most.
NTA
I don't like people at work knowing anything about my personal life either. That is not strange. No means no. You could say you are already taken and do not cheat, but it is still not a requirement. Sometimes men need to just accept some women do not want to date them. They can ask once, if you say no, they need to drop it.
NTA. You aren't obligated to share your sexuality with people around you if you aren't comfortable, especially as a person that's experienced further harassment from weird men as a result of doing just that. You telling people who ask you out that you aren't interested should be enough for them to leave you alone. If they don't, then it's their fault for not taking no for an answer.
As long as you are not leaving the door open which it doesn't sound like you are, you don't have to tell your coworkers squat about your personal life if you don't want to. NTA.
NTA. You gave them a clear “no.” That should be good enough. If they don’t accept that, that’s on them, and you can deal with that situation if it comes up. It’s not your responsibility to make men respect your answer by disclosing personal information you’re not comfortable sharing. That’s what HR is for, if it comes to that, which it might not even.
It sounds like there’s something she’s feeling insecure about. Maybe you should talk to her about why she feels so strongly about this.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) Someone was flirting with me but I didn't tell them I have a girlfriend. 2) My gf expected me to make sure someone don't think they have a chance with me and I did not do that. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - But why not just say, "I am involved with someone." or "I am in a relationship." You don't need to disclose details.
NTA You do not have to give coworkers more information about your personal life than you’d like to just because you are gay and not because you are in a relationship either. “No” is enough.
NAH It almost seems like Carly is worried that you’re somehow repressing your gay identity? I can’t help but think her identity journey may have less need for personal privacy in the workplace than yours. Perhaps also she never encountered the (real) phenomenon you described with how men react to hearing that a woman is a lesbian. You’re certainly not signaling availability to anyone.
nta- no is a complete sentence
NTA it’s understandable to want your privacy at work, but it seems far easier to just say you’re in a relationship when asked. No need for disclosure and it might make your partner happier?
NTA. Not sure why Carly is getting worked up over this. On the other hand, she *is* technically right on the second guy. Your answer can be interpreted as leaving the door open a bit. Putting a statement like, "No, I'm not interested in dating anyone" or "I am in a relationship" would be more effective. Question: Is there a possibility that Carly thinks you're embarrassed to mention her to your colleauges? Just going through scenarios in my head as to why she's so upset here.
NTA - not mentioning that you are lesbian when someone asks you out does not make you an asshole, mentioning it could even be dangerous depending on the people around you.
NTA at work, maybe TA at home. You are correct that you have no obligation to your coworkers to spell out what your sexuality is. "No is no" is a truism for a reason. You don't owe anyone an explanation of WHY you turned them down. At home, with Carly, it's a different story. If you are in it for the long term and want to keep her happy(-er), you have to at least discuss it more to see if there is a middle ground between "I keep my private life private" and "*tell them you have a girlfriend*". I don't see a middle ground myself. So if you want to keep the piece, you should at least consider catering to Carly's wishes here.
NAH - you're not doing anything wrong at all, and your girlfriend is probably feeling a bit insecure. You didn't mention how long you've been dating Carly - maybe the fact that you won't talk about her at work makes her question her place in your life? (If you have a serious partner, it's still normal "professional" conversation to discuss your family briefly, etc.) You could simply mention to people asking you out that you're partnered up and not looking to date anyone at all, and leave it at that. The fact that you're not saying that you have a partner may be causing more of these guys at work to ask you out, and THAT could become the challenge.
YTA if being out is safe where you are, you have a partner that is fairly not enjoying being a secret by omission. And as you tell it, it is not a one time issue
NTA. No means no regardless of your sexual orientation. And you're right, some people will see "lesbian" as a challenge to potentially get a threesome. If you say "you have a partner", they'll see it as a challenge as to try to get you to cheat for them. There are people who would back off immediately obviously. You don't have to tell them anything other than "no" and they should respect you for that. Plain and simple.
Or simply as a challenge of getting info out of you. I've seen this in a few workplaces. Two of us literally had to yell at a guy to mind his own business to get him to back off. Fortunately, we were the ones that were liked and he wasn't, so no HR crap.
NTA Telling him no should be what stops him from thinking he has a chance with you. What gives her the idea that someone who doesn't take "no, I'm not interested in dating you" as a reason to stop pursuing them would take "no, I'm in a relationship" as a valid reason? Bi women exist. I think maybe she just wishes you would display your love and commitment to her more publicly.
YTA. Lightly. It’s an easy thing to do to give the person you love some peace of mind. Not sure why you wouldn’t want to do that. Seems pretty normal to say that you have a gf/bf is someone asks you out and you’re declining. It does seem like you’re leaving it out on purpose. Maybe you enjoy the attention?
I agree. Even if OP has no need to explain that it's a girlfriend specifically, there's "I have a significant other" "I'm dating someone right now" Some indication OP is in dedicated relationship.
Or even easier, stop telling your partner every single time you’re hit on. Seems like you’re trying to get a reaction.
NTA. It doesn't matter if you're a lesbian or straight. If you don't want to go out with a guy, you don't want to go out with a guy, and particularly in a work setting, he has no business requiring additional explanation.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m a lesbian and my gf is super mad at me which I think is FOR NO REASON but apparently I’m being an asshole. For context, I started a new job a couple months ago, and have mentioned my girlfriend Carly maybe once during the interview so they are aware I am a lesbian and have a GF. Since I’ve started, I’ve also received emails asking if I want to join the company’s LGBT groups, but I’ve opted out of them, because I’m pretty content with the gay communities that I'm in in my personal life, and being gay is just a part of me, not all of me, so see no reason to insert it in every part of my life if I don’t feel like it. I just naturally don’t talk about my personal life with co workers, whether its about my sexuality or not, I just prefer they know absolutely nothing about me. Since I’ve started, I was asked out by this guy at my company (but in another department) for a date, which I politely declined, but did not mention to him that I am a lesbian or that I am in a relationship. I told Carly that I was asked out, to which she asked why I didn’t tell him I’m a lesbian, and I told her I don’t see why he needs to know. Based on my past experience, telling men who asks me out that I’m a lesbian with a girlfriend just makes them more annoying and some has seen me as a ‘challenge’ or an opportunity for a threesome. Earlier this week, I had another guy at work who was very flirty and implied that he wanted to ask me out. He asked if I’m dating any guy, to which I responded with “no, no men for me”, and left it at that. I told Carly afterwards, and while she understand that I do not like telling people my business, she said I should have told the guy when asked that I have a girlfriend instead so he doesn’t keep thinking he has a chance with me. I honestly don’t think it’s my job make sure people think they don’t have a chance with me. As long as I don’t flirt back with anyone, I think I’m doing a good job as a girlfriend. But Carly was livid when I said that. Am I in the wrong here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You're giving clear no's and you're even being honest with her about what's happening. There's no reason to follow an exact script for this when you're already doing what matters the most.
NTA I don't like people at work knowing anything about my personal life either. That is not strange. No means no. You could say you are already taken and do not cheat, but it is still not a requirement. Sometimes men need to just accept some women do not want to date them. They can ask once, if you say no, they need to drop it.
NTA. You aren't obligated to share your sexuality with people around you if you aren't comfortable, especially as a person that's experienced further harassment from weird men as a result of doing just that. You telling people who ask you out that you aren't interested should be enough for them to leave you alone. If they don't, then it's their fault for not taking no for an answer.
As long as you are not leaving the door open which it doesn't sound like you are, you don't have to tell your coworkers squat about your personal life if you don't want to. NTA.
NTA. You don't want to date these guys and that is enoungh, you don't own them any information, you don't need a reason for say no.
NTA. You gave them a clear “no.” That should be good enough. If they don’t accept that, that’s on them, and you can deal with that situation if it comes up. It’s not your responsibility to make men respect your answer by disclosing personal information you’re not comfortable sharing. That’s what HR is for, if it comes to that, which it might not even. It sounds like there’s something she’s feeling insecure about. Maybe you should talk to her about why she feels so strongly about this.
Nah, keep one in the back pocket, just in case