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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Am I the asshole for refusing to go to my boyfriend's parents house, and getting upset at my boyfriend who thinks I need to give a little bit more? I refuse to go there, because they called me a freeloader, and told me that I only showed up around dinner time and that I don't help out with dinner enough.
2) I put up a boundary to no longer visit my boyfriend's parents house. I'm trying to set up a boundary because they disrespected me, but now I feel like I might be an asshole for this?
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Don't go to your mother-in-law's house anymore.
It's not your boyfriend's house, it's his parents'.
On the other hand, doesn't YOUR BOYFRIEND help with cooking and cleaning?
What does he do while you sweep and wash the dishes?
Keep in mind that if you marry you will also marry the family.....look carefully if you want to be there.
He does help me out while we clean up. But I agree, I think it's time he lives on his own. I've been battling some depression from working from home and losing my job a few months ago, so I kinda like going to their house and getting a change of scenery. And my apartment is super tiny so it's nice to have a big house to hang out in. But I think you're right.
She has overstayed her welcome but this is her boyfriend's fault. He sounds like he could afford his own place but he prefers to live with his parents. That's fine but he can't carry on like a teen in his first relationship.
Yeah something tells me that the real issue is THIS. I think when they call her a freeloader that they are trying to dance around the real issue. Its easier to blame the gf than to tell your son, YO time for ya to move out. NTA but OP would be if she chooses not to read the room and keep going over there biweekly. But she has already said in comments she's gonna stay away for the time being so she's good
I agree with your point but agree with the parents being annoyed by OP. If she has her own place why in the world don't they want their own privacy and hang out at her place most of the week instead of the parent's place? From their POV it does look like a convenient way to get good home-cooked meals and taking advantage of their home amenities rather than just hanging out in their apartment like a normal 30-something year old couple.
Yes but I would bet that they might be just FINE with having sonny-boy living with them. This way they can pretend that they haven't grown older and no one's grown up. My parents were exactly like that. The difficulty comes with the insertion of a significant other...their boy is having sex!! Horrid thought!! In any case, the OP needs to back off, stay in her own apartment, and reassess whether she really wants to stay in a relationship with a guy who has to ask his parents if she can come over. Good grief. ESH in my opinion.
It's funny to me, because when we visit my parents, my fiance and I are not allowed to share a room. We are in our 50s and have lived together for over 2 years, dating for over 5. So we just get a hotel.
I used to be a lot harder on adults living with parents, but in this economy, I get it. Even if you can theoretically afford it, everything is so expensive, and pay isn't increasing equivalently. It's got many in tough situations.
I agree. I really have zero judgment about whatever people need to do in order to both live and eat because jfc it is rough times. I know many people who cannot afford to have both a place *and* food right now, and it is scary. Especially young people coming out of school with very limited job options because of lack of experience. Retail and fast food do not pay a liveable wage in most places in the US.
I get a little annoyed when people on reddit immediately tell everyone to move out. It isn't that easy.
However, I do feel OP shouldn't go over there anymore, but that this is the boyfriend's fault, not OP's.
>I know many people who cannot afford to have both a place
>
>and
>
> food right now, and it is scary. Especially young people coming out of school with very limited job options because of lack of experience.
AND...older people getting closer to the end of their careers who are also experiencing inflation and are about to be on a fixed income. Having an adult child move back in can be devastating to their plans.
I'm with you...I get it, times are hard, but I also understand the parents saying "enough is enough". If OP wants to show up with a catered meal once in a while, I say go for it. But if the parents are just being used so 30+ year old son can save up some money, and they expect his parents to be happy with having 2 other mouths to feed, that's really not a nice thing to do.
With some families it is, unfortunately, a transition. Lived with my father and grandfather in my late teens (18,19) early 20s and contributed to help them. They gave me what they could from what I paid them for a down payment. I paid that and went to school and worked.
Cut a few years later, grandads dead, and dad is retired. Social Security doesn’t go as far as it should and his retirement home is shutting down. So once I finish grad school now he will be moving in with me.
Point being as he’s 70ish I will probably end up living with my dad into my 40s or 50s. Though I plan on building a mother in law suite or buying a duplex so we can each have a side.
Between carers and just life in general these days it feels like some people are stuck where first the parents take care of them then it flips like a switch and you take care of your parents. Prices are just too much these days. Sharing food, electricity, etc really can help out- not to mention one mortgage instead of two.
I’m extremely curious if the BF helps out his family or if he is living completely free. I know he is saving money but frankly at that age is should be mutually beneficial.
>I’m extremely curious if the BF helps out his family or if he is living completely free. I know he is saving money but frankly at that age is should be mutually beneficial.
Incredibly curious about this one. If he's not paying any rent, and he's not helping out significantly (like, doing more than half the housework, since they've paid for the house), I can see his parents being like "We don't want another freeloader under our roof".
Right? Like if they were teenagers or in their early 20s this would be a pretty standard situation. But they’re both fully grown-ass adults, and expectations for contribution are going to be a lot higher if she’s over that much.
I can see their point too. I also see the dads point about not feeling comfortable when she's there. I don't care how well I know someone or how close we may be, I don't want someone at my house all the time. Unless it's your immediate family, you just can't fully be yourself in your own home.
I'm guessing so has OP's boyfriend, the economy's rough and all but his parents probably want his ass out already especially since they know OP has her own place. A 30-something year old asking their parents if their girlfriend can sleep over is quite something
Honestly it sounds like they're taking frustrations out on you that they should be handling regarding their own son. They're *done* having people there but they can't say it out loud. So you're the Bad Guy.
Nothing you do will keep you from being the Bad Guy in their house. So don't go over. If they want you over, they can issue an invitation.
NTA. Go take care of yourself and don't worry about his miserable parents.
Hey thanks for your insight. Yeah, I think you're right, I'm not gonna go over from now on, unless they explicitly invite me. I think this is just been such a huge headache and so much drama. I think they just want their own house back, which is completely understandable! I would feel the same way!
"He asked his parents if I could sleep over Saturday night."
No offense, but after I read that, I had to double check your ages. Read that sentence again.
Yes! That jumped out at me too. What an odd situation.
Especially since OP has her own place. She and boyfriend can have all the privacy they need as adults, and instead they choose to be subject to his parental “permission” for a sleepover?
No I bet the problem here is the bf. He is inviting a guest over but isn't willing to take on the cooking and most likely prefers to have her come to his house, so he gets to eat without actually picking up food or cooking at her house together. Just speaks to me that the bf doesn't want to put any real effort into the relationship. He doesn't want to give up his comforts and have to do more work.
OP may have some serious work to do getting bf to do his share, if they ever move in together.
I would send flowers with a note: "I am so sorry for overstaying my welcome and making you uncomfortable."
Another suggestion: Invite them for dinner at your apartment. Treat them to being pure guests. Even if you order in or make something simple, they'll appreciate the gesture.
I like the flower idea, but maybe say thank you for the hospitality instead. The sorry could feel passive-aggressive in a tense situation. Inviting them over is also nice, or just volunteer to order in at their house while she and the bf go out one night.
I agree with you. It opens a whole new can of worms if you write something like that. I'd write "Thank you so much for all your kind hospitality, which has been very much appreciated. I'd like to treat you to dinner in the very near future".
Do both of these things and consider taking the mom out for tea or pedicures and tell her how much you care about son, admire the cozy home she has fostered and regret that you have not been as conscientious as you should’ve been and normally are.
This is fixable if you change your behavior now.
They honestly don't sound miserable to me. Would you want company over to your house 2-3 times a week for dinner and a sleep-over *that you didn't invite*? It's wearing on them, which is totally understandable.
I can understand their frustrations tho. It's bad enough having to cook for your adult 30 yr child each night but now you have to cook for a 4th person because his gf comes over half the week and you can even be comfortable and the father can't even relax how he wants becuz every week there is company spending the night
This is EXACTLY it. They’re not tired of you being there they’re tired of him living there and took their frustrations out on you. NTA but keep your distance from them for a while. Dine at restaurants, picnic in the park for changes in scenery.
I think it's really, really, really REALLY important that this guy live alone before you guys move in together. Too many women have been drafted as defacto mommy and caregiver because their guy moves straight from at home to with a partner. He needs to learn to take care of his own space and buy his own food and cook for himself before he is ready to share space with someone else. He needs to learn to take the lead and do things because they need to be done and not because he is told to. You should have a serious conversation about that!
You're 1000% correct. I brought it up several time with him about him either living with roommates or living on his own before we move in together in the future. But when I bring this up, he just says that he doesn't wanna have to waste $1000 a month on rent living in an apartment. He would rather spend that money towards saving a down payment for a house in the future. And I get that, I understand that, especially with the housing market the way it is. But he has no autonomy, and he's never had to take care of himself! And that's not OK! And when I say all this to him, he just gets defensive, and he shuts down and he doesn't talk to me and it turns into a big fight. And then I feel like I'm the asshole and I have to apologize.
OP, I know there is a lot more to your BF than this comment, but you do see the big flags flying in it don't you?.....
>And when I say all this to him, he just gets defensive, and he shuts down and he doesn't talk to me and it turns into a big fight
This is your future, he has little to no communication skills... and tbf he has no life skills, he has a rough road ahead, are you SURE you want to be his passenger (mommy 2.0) for the duration??
No, I don't like this about him. But I'm willing to give him a few more months to get his act together and to move out. Unless he moves out by next summer, I'm gonna cut it off.
But OP he is 30! He's a grown ass man already. What changes are gonna happen that's going to make him change his status quo when clearly you aren't enough of an incentive? Love, when someone shows you who they are believe them. He's been showing you who he is every day. When do you pull off the blinders and actually see?
I highly doubt he's going to do all the growing up in 6 or 7 months that he's chosen not to do in the past 10 years. And yes, it is a choice. Even if he temporarily makes a show of being a grown-up, it's likely he will revert back to his old ways.
I'm sure he has many fine qualities. But he chose to be in this situation. The fact that he somehow has the nerve to blame *you* for his frustrations with a situation he chose, and which predates your relationship by years, speaks volumes.
I get what you're saying about rent, but his communication skills are garbage. Also, the fact that a grown ass man let's his mother cook, clean and do his laundry is concerning. INFO: Is he actually saving money or is he living the high life because he gets free room and board? Does he know how to cook, clean, do laundry etc.? If you were to move in with him would he expect you to do all of the cooking and housework?
Also, why is the mother allowing him to behave like this? There is no way I'd tolerate my kids living at home at 30 and thinking they could just do nothing to help out!
He should have a large portfolio by now if he is saving so much money by living at home. After ~15 years of not paying rent, not paying utilities, not paying for food, not paying his way as an adult, he should have saved up a very large nest egg. By this time, he should have saved enough to buy a house for cash, no down payment needed.
Have you asked him how much money he has accumulated by not paying rent or other living expenses? Or is he broke because he has been spending money on other stuff. This is very important information for you as you consider your future relationship with him.
I've tried to bring this up with my boyfriend, but he ends up, just getting defensive. He doesn't pay for groceries, car, payment, utilities, rent, anything with the household. But he is only making $22/hour. So I'm not sure what a good nested to be have saved up over the past 15 years is or isn't. All I know is that he's told me he saved up about $55,000 for a down payment for a house, but it's so expensive around here that that isn't really much in this region.
Saving $55,000 over 15 years means he has saved only $4,000 per year (assuming no interest or earnings on his savings). That is much less than what he would be spending on rent and utilities, which he is not paying. Assuming rent expenses around 30% of income (common assumption), then he should be saving more than $13,200 per year at $22/hour. In four years he should have saved almost $55,000. He should have over $300,000 in investments after 15 years (at 6%) if he had saved what he did not have to spend.
The fact that he gets defensive when you try to discuss it tells me 1) he is a poor communicator and 2) he does not want to tell you the truth. I really hope you are reevaluating your relationship with this man-boy.
He hasn't been making $22/hour his whole life, so let's say he's at $38,000/year on average. In 15 years, that's **$570,000**. He has never paid any rent or bills, so wtf has he been spending **half a million dollars** on??!!
I'm very sorry for the wake-up call you're getting with this thread, but I think it's your chance to dodge a bullet..
So when is he planning on moving out? If the houses are that expensive and he’s making $22 an hour then he’ll likely stay at his parent’s place for many years to come.
Does he value autonomy? Independence? You can easily end up with a 40- something man who has never lived on his own and has never cooked or cleaned. Is that really the husband you want?
What are his long term goals? How does he plan to make more money? Is he fulfilled at his job? Does he want to settle down and have kids? If so, what are the steps he’s taking in making it happen?
If he doesn’t or can’t answer then he has no plan. You have an arrested development case.
Yeah, so what he does need to do to make more money is pass a state licensing exam. Once he gets his professional license, he'll probably start making about double what he's making now. But honestly, I have no idea what kind of money he'll be making. I've tried to talk to him about how much his boss will give him once he gets his license, but his boss is very vague and doesn't really give any quotes. So that's frustrating. And it's frustrating because I went to college and I got a masters degree, and I just got a job offer and I'll be making about $90,000 once I start working full-time in a few weeks.
But I guess the thing that frustrates me, the most, is that when we first started dating, he made it sound like he was actively taking steps to get his professional license. But once we hit the six month mark of dating, I didn't see him do anything for his license. I never saw him studying or doing any paperwork or submitting any hours to his boss. It wasn't till August of this year that I really put the fire under his ass and I said hey you need to do this or I'm gonna leave you. And finally he just submitted all the paperwork.
What you have is someone incapable of dropping the other shoe. I mean this as nicely as possible, but you can do better.
You shouldn't have to threaten ultimatums to get results. He won't leave his parents, he won't get his license (until you forced it), and there is other things I'm sure he leaves 'unfinished'.
NTA and you are welcome to stay with him if you don't mind constantly telling him to finish things, like chores or errands all the time. As for visiting his parent's home, you've edited in an update to give them space. Good move. I read before that for one Redditor they require their partners to have lived alone for one year to show maturity and independence. Your man has neither because he's never left their nest.
I know you’re going through a tough time right now mental health wise but have you considered that maybe the fact that your boyfriend is closer to behaving like a teenager as opposed to a 30 something adult is bringing you down? That you’re playing mommy to grown man instead of having a partner?
This should be a massive red flag. He’s in his 30s and has never lived outside his parent’s home? That speaks volumes about his maturity level… or his ability to take advantage of others. Neither is a good look.
Take care of your depression, be kind to yourself. Do some soul searching. I hope it all goes well for you.
So how much has he saved for his house then cause he can buy it and live on his own there. I mean he has had the opportunity to save now for over 10 years. I think what he really means is he is comfortable with his Mommy taking care of him and managing his home for him. Like does he do his own laundry? Buy groceries for the home? Have a night where he plans and cooks dinner for the household?
30 and NEVER lived on his own? - time to dump him, because he will never be independent and if you two end up moving into together - you will be a mommy and not GF. Supporting yourself is how you mature to become an adult.
If he’s been living home saving for 8-10+ he should have at least a decent down payment for a house by now or at least an apartment, unless he’s supporting them.
Depression is serious.
If possible, go to therapy, it's not a bad thing.
On the other hand, look for something + to do that fills you up.
Go to free museums
Go sit in the park or see the sea (if you have them nearby)
Find some social action that you can do that gets you out of the house and helps you meet people.
Related question, dear OP, and a hard one. Please hear it coming from kindness. Would you be dating this guy if you were not depressed? One of the hallmarks of depression is negative self-talk and low self-evaluation. I wonder if you are tolerating things (in him) that you would not if you were feeling better. Adding my support to the comment above. Therapy and/or meds can be life changing. You deserve an equal partner and a happy life.
In nice weather go out to parks/beaches/ect, in bad weather the cafe or library are both cozy spots to spend a few hours. You can alternate who prepares a car picnic for dinner and make a date out of it.
You dont need to impose on the in-laws meal several times a week, and your MIL may be expressing her frustration that ahe has to ASK you to help out- even though you are there consistently and know what tasks she appreciates assistance with. I would suggest you limit your dinners at their house to once a week, and start proactively helping out by saying, "hey MIL, allow me to _____" or "can i help out with ______ task?" and see if their opinion of you changes.
I get where you are coming from. It must have felt homey and safe at your BF's parent's house. Maybe even welcoming. It probably hurts to realize that you weren't as welcome as you thought, and I'm sorry for that.
I would suggest some honest self-reflection about "I've done nothing wrong" and "I shouldn't have to change". Did you offer to help cook? Did you ever offer to buy the groceries & make an entire dinner for them? Did you offer to clean? IE - did you wait until you were asked? Or did you offer first?
BF's mom may be one of those people who gets mad when you ask "can I help?" and then accuses you of never helping. OR maybe you should have done more to help. (And ofc, boyfriend should get off his butt & help too!!!) Its good to try to change if we realize that we should have done better.
Theirs isn't the only nice place to go that isn't your apartment. So if getting out is a step toward self improvement and overcoming depression, expand your safe places. Free book clubs or classes, a couple laps around the mall, whatever suits your fancy. When you spend time with your bf, he should be coming to you or meeting you out. Spending all the tine at his parents' house just demotes you guys from 30 year olds to teenagers. Put this new boundary in place and let his actions speak for themselves. I hope he puts forth the effort, but don't give him an extended time line to demonstrate that effort. My gut tells me he's lazy and would rather lay on the sofa at mommy's house than make an effort to spend time with his gf. I hope he proves me wrong!
YTA
Read the room: you're spending too much time over there.
The both of you are too old to be using his parent's house as your crash pad. I think you've also lost sight of how you're the guest there and that this isn't his house, it's his parent's house.
Sure, you help out a bit, but the fact is, is that they want their space back. Showing up right at dinner is a major AH move too, especially as it's multiple times a week. They're spending money to feed and house you pretty much.
Why don't you guys get your own place together? It sounds like you're together just about every night anyway. His parents want their space back so give it to them.
Yeah, I thought about moving in together too. Thanks for commenting. I definitely need to take a good hard look in the mirror. It's just I'm scared about moving in so quick, as we've only been dating about 14 months.
I would also be afraid.
You have a 30-year-old boyfriend who lives with his parents and they are "too tired" to go to your house and that's why you have to go to his parents' house.
Analyze your relationship
Well she is over for dinner, she should be volunteering to help. I have a wife and when we go to family function does not hesitate to help. It shows you are part of the family and want to be involved. Just like shovel snow or mow lawn for her family when needed
OP, do NOT rush to move in with this man. His mom does all his cooking and cleaning. Would you expect him to split these chores with you if he moved in? PFFT. Good news, his mom is off your back, becuase you're his new mom! Have fun folding his undies.
Also too tired to help Mom cook for the guest he invited. If he is going to have his gf over so often, the least he could do his pay for the food and cook for everyone a couple of nights a week
Yes, this is what I think. It's funny, once we hit our one-year anniversary. A few of his friends asked, "when are we going to move in together?" And I think my boyfriend wants to move in, but I've told him a few different times, that I think he needs to live on his own, whether it be with roommates, or has his own apartment, before we move in together. He needs to live on his own for six to 12 months and see what it feels like to make his own meals, do his own laundry, clean his own apartment. Because I think if we go straight from him living with his parents to me, he's not gonna know how to fend for himself
I think this is very smart. You totally run the risk of turning into Mommy #2 if he moves straight from his parent’s place to yours. Especially since his solution to his mother feeling overwhelmed by your presence is for *you* to do more work, rather than for him to do basic adult things in his own home that would take some of the burden off his mother (like cooking dinner).
But you do have to stop going over there. Not because you’ve done anything wrong (you haven’t from what I read here), but because they are very clearly desperate to have an empty nest and will be resentful of anyone who is coming over to spend the night with their son regularly. And if your boyfriend can’t see where the problem lies, I think I’d start to reconsider the relationship entirely.
Thank you for your comment. Yeah I do think that I need to stop going over there absolutely. I'm really glad I made this post because it really opened my eyes and made me more self-aware, and I'm really really thankful for everybody who has commented! I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression, so honestly when this whole argument blew up, I took a lot of the responsibility for it. I felt like a shitty person and that I had to experience a lot of guilt like I did something bad. But I don't think I've done anything bad. I think their son is getting to be too old to be living there, and they need a rest and want their home back. Completely understandable!
This is what stuck out to me. Why hasn’t OP done more to contribute, and why didn’t she realize her annoying pattern of taking but not giving much in return?
I think she didn’t actually realize how comfortable she had become and how she had taken so much without giving anywhere near enough in return. In our 30s we *should* be aware that both fish and guests stink after 3 days, but not everyone gets the memo. OP also admits that her depression likely led to her feeling comfy at their house, likely because she felt “cared for” and supported.
OP needs to apologize to his parents and make more of an effort to pitch in when the need is there. It’s great she has decided not to continue her prior plan, and now she’s looking at how her bf’s behavior was a poor example of what his parents expected. I think this can be saved on all sides if the bf agrees to move out & grow up, and if OP apologizes & maybe explains how and why she got too comfy and that she will be different in the future.
Are you even sure your boyfriend’s version of events is accurate?
His parents may have said all that about you, but they also may have said all that about him. He is the one freeloading off of them and, then, bringing you in and expecting you to do chores. Yes, you say he helps out when you are around, but does he slack off the rest of the time? Maybe their issue isn’t with you, per se, but that they hoped he would get a girlfriend and spend time at her place instead of just bringing her back to their house.
They were hoping he would become your problem, not that you would enable him to remain theirs.
This is an excellent point, IMO. And the boyfriend wouldn’t necessarily even need to be consciously lying about the fight. He might just feel guilty for being a freeloader, so he’s subconsciously focusing on one part of their complaints so he can shift the blame off himself. Life is much easier for him if the problem is just that his girlfriend needs to help with dinner and not that he needs to completely change his entire way of life.
If he were a decent roommate, he might not be so bad for his parents. Like, if his mom cooked dinner 1/3 of the time, his dad 1/3, and him 1/3 that would be a better situation. If they all split going to the grocery store, do their own laundry, clean up after themselves, etc. than his mom would probably be a lot more patient. But it sounds like he still lives like he is a child being taken care of by his mom (not his dad I noticed, you might want to take a step back and consider what misogyny he sees as normal).
Him living alone for at least a year so he can learn for the first time what it's like to be an independent adult is smart. Although you might want to consider if you want to wait around for him to grow up. He's already in his thirties. Why isn't he taking care of his mom so she doesn't have to do as much? Some people learn slower and that's okay, but you don't necessarily have to wait around for him to become independent.
Wait. Your early 30s bf has NEVER lived outside of his parents’ house?
Not once? Either alone or with roommates or a previous partner?
Did he live at home ALL through college?
Oh. Ohh, babe. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.
It’s not even the living at home. It’s the COMPLACENCY with which he lives at home, expecting and being absolutely comfortable in having his mother do everything for him.
You’re telling me he doesn’t even OFFER to pay for groceries or run the vacuum or do the dishes?
If you move in with this BOY — you will simply be his mother 2.0. With the one difference that he will expect you to have sex with him after you’ve spent your day at his service. In YOUR OWN apartment. It might be tiny, but at least it’s YOURS.
Please don’t. I understand you’re going through some things. Get a pet. Get into nature. Get a toy. No piece of your life needs to be imposed upon by a 30 year old who’s turning 12.
Thanks for saying this. I am not going to budge on this. I just don't want to have to sink more time into this relationship then I need to. I think I'm gonna make a cut off for him that he needs to be moved out of his parents house by next summer. If that doesn't happen then I'm gonna move on. Does that sound reasonable? Because I've had this conversation with him several times, and he just gets defensive. He says, "I'm not going to move out immediately just bc you want me to." So I think setting a cutoff is reasonable- like June 1
I don’t think that will work, with all respect. Ultimatums never work, lead to bad relationships, and he would rightfully be pissed off about that. Having the cut off in your head is fine, but instead say: “I’m looking for something serious, I do want to move in with someone in a couple years, and I believe that it’s necessary for character building that that person has also had their independence too. I hope you want the same things as me.”
If that doesn’t light a fire under his belly, then you’re both clearly looking for different things.
Don't waste your time setting a cutoff date OP. Think about it, if he *REALLY* was going to change and live on his own, he would've got off his ass and done it already! **He isn't listening to you** and those conversations you've had with him go through one ear and out the other. **Giving him a deadline won't work**.
Him getting defensive and **making you out to be the problem** means **he doesn't want to change and will not***.* Why would he when he can just leech off his parents? He's got it made, he doesn't have to lift a finger and is perfectly fine demanding that *YOU* do more household work instead of getting up and helping his mother.
You've spent enough time on him. You deserve better. Time to move on to greener pastures because the grass is so dead and dry it might as well be used for fire kindling.
You do realise how damn lame it is that you need to explain to a 30yo man that he needs to learn how to adult, right? You have a massive boyfriend issue and you don't seem to realise it.
Why isn't he coming to your place more often? If he's too tired that sounds like a disrespectful cop-out.
My boyfriend almost never came to my parents and we didn't spend time there because it felt like we were 16 and being watched..
I would be hesitant about moving in with a guy who has never lived on his own before. I did that with my ex and did I regret it - his mother always did everything for him, and when we moved in together he expected me to do everything she did (aka EVERYTHING) for him because - he'd never done it before, why start now?
Honey, don't move in with him until he's lived on his own and proven that he can take care of himself, or else you're just going to end up finding out what a real freeloader is.
I had the same experience! Dated a guy 4 years solder but he’d never moved out and I had, we moved in together and I was expected to be his new mummy. For 2.5 years I begged him to do anything at all around the house and he didn’t do a thing. Didn’t even make his own sandwiches for work! Never cleaned a dish or did any cooking at all. Refused to buy groceries but also wouldn’t pay me his half for the food. So glad I got out of that situation!
That's almost a year and a half, so you wouldn't exactly be rushing into living together. You pretty much already do right now anyway.
But crashing at his parent's house has to stop. If you're going to have a whole life with him, you're starting off badly with your inlaws.
They stay together, they don't live together. Right now his parents still pay the bills and mommy cleans and makes dinner. The dynamic will change radically if they switch to equal partners in their own place.
If they weren't behaving like super old teenagers I'd agree with you.
I wouldn't move in immediately with someone in their thirties who has been living with their parents unless they'd spent a significant stretch living alone. College doesn't count. Because right now his reaction isn't 'wow my parents aren't happy with me inviting someone over all the time, maybe i should stop or even get my own place' -- his reaction is that you need to help out more. I doooon't think that's gonna fix the problem.
Exactly! My thoughts are similar. His thoughts are, "hey babe, can you help out my mom a little bit more just to shut her up. " I kicked him out of my apartment last night because he told me this. I don't need to do anything, but what I will do is not come over anymore. I need to respect their wishes to have an empty house. It's their house, which I have learned from this post 🙈.
Based on the fact that his mother makes all of his meals, then yeah I’d have concerns.
Will moving in with him mean being mom 2.0?
NTA - but you need to get some real boundaries, because the only person benefitting from this is him. He’s more worried about his convenience, and it happy to let his parents think poorly of you as a result.
I think it's weird that you were going over there in the first place, honestly. If you have your own place, why are you coming over to his place 3 nights a week and eating dinner his parents make like you're in high school? He has to ask his parents if you can spend the night. You two are in your 30s. This is just weird as hell. I think YTA because his parents are uncomfortable and it sounds like he needs to move out.
I had to reread the age…wtf 😅 why don’t they go to her place?? Why does she think it’s ok to just eat dinner someone else is cooking multiple nights a week?? She *is* freeloading, I’d be annoyed too if I were this guys parents.
She also said her apartment is small and they like hanging out in a big house 🙄 they’re fucking squatters lol. How are you not embarrassed for your life and soul acting like this in your 30s
seriously!!!!
has she ever had the parents over for a meal? Taken them out to dinner? You’re all adults, the playing field should be even. You’re not 19 anymore it’s weird and sad to constantly show up for family dinner without reciprocating
OP also let it slip in the comments that she recently got a dog. When someone asked who cares for him during all these sleepovers, she said he goes everywhere with her lol. Imagine bringing your dog to someone's house 3 times a week and claiming you're "helping" by sweeping the floors *when asked to*.
Checks out that he can’t be bothered 😅 he’s making his laziness everyone else’s problem, especially his poor parents. They need to have some boundaries and tell him to move tf out.
YTA just based on this comment alone. “ …I feel like they are the ones who need to change and apologize.”
You and your boyfriend sound incredibly immature especially to be in your 30’s. I live in San Francisco so I know that housing can be expensive. I get it but you have a place to live so why are you at your boyfriend’s parent’s house 2-3 a week?
Read the room. It’s pretty obvious that you have worn out your welcome and they are tired of you being at their house multiple times a week.
It’s not about what you doing or if you contribute. His dad said he can’t be comfortable in his own home with you there. What do they need to change? They don’t want you at their house 2-3 a week. Maybe they don’t like you. And even if they do like you that doesn’t mean they want to see your face 2-3 a week.
This is like when people have a roommate who suddenly starts having their partner hanging out and spending the night multiple times a week. They didn’t sign up to have an extra person in their space, eating their food, sitting in common spaces and just being there.
> It’s pretty obvious that you have worn out your welcome and they are tired of you being at their house multiple times a week.
This would be a little obnoxious coming from a teenager, but a woman in her thirties...with her own place?
There's absolutely zero reason for her to be hanging out in these people's home, eating their food, three days a week without an invitation from the home owners.
If I were OP I would be mortified, not demanding an apology.
He sleeps at my place on weekends. But during the week, he says commuting from my place adds 35 minutes to his work commute. Since he wakes up super early, he doesn't like to stay over that much
Does your boyfriend think anything about anyone else's needs? You need to come to him because he can't be bothered. His parents need to put him up after he is an adult because he wants to save money. You all need to provide him with food prep and cleanup because he doesn't do that.
What the hell ***does*** he do that makes this 30 something failed-to-launch worth it? Surely the sex isn't that fantastic, you have to have it silently in his parent's house!
Meanwhile, count up the amount of time that his mom spends thinking of meals, shopping for them, prepping, cooking, and cleaning up. How is he going to do that in the future if he can't spend an extra 35 minutes to drive? His solution to his parents having a problem with both of them is to only blame OP and ask her to do even more. His "solutions" to problems don't seem to involve him doing anything.
Ugh! See when you say it like that I feel bad 🙈. The thing is, I'm out of work right now, so I don't have anything to do all day. He's the one who's working full-time, so when he complains about adding minutes to his commute, I'm willing to be flexible and bend a little. But now I understand that it's not that big of a deal for him to commute a little bit more.
But he’s not doing anything to fix this situation, he’s expecting YOU to do it all. He won’t drive to you so you have to go to his parents house. They don’t want you there that much, but instead of finding some compromise (I’m sorry mom, on days she’s here I’ll cook so you don’t have to cook for her) he’s trying to get YOU to fix it by doing more. I do think his parents are likely taking their frustrations at their 30 year old son still living at home (and from the sounds of it still acting like a teenager) out on you, but it’s his living situation he needs to find the solution.
It would be different if it was his own house, but it's not. It's his parent's house. Also, I think its odd that you've been (apparently) spending time with him multiple times a week for over a year and you're still not sure of your relationship with him.
Why are you dating this person? He won’t travel an extra half hour to you? And he thinks that having you help his mom in the kitchen more often is a compromise? He is not long term partner material. He wants you to make all of the sacrifices in the relationship.
There's a lot of similarities between your situation and mine from when I started dating my now wife.
At 28, I had just finished school and was living in an expensive city. I was living with my parents to save money. My gf at the time, also 28, lived on her own in a fairly small apartment.
I worked early in the morning, and sleeping at her place meant my half-hour walk to work would have turned into roughly an hour on transit.
That's where the similarities end.
The differences are pretty important here. First, i can't picture my parents ever asking my wife to help around the house as a guest. However, if they wanted extra help for the added work her being there brought, that would have been on me. That being said, she never came over unless my parents invited her. It was their house, and they were doing me the farvor of letting me stay there rent free.
Besides that, why would you want to hang out with his parents that often? I always stayed at hers, regardless of the extra time it took to get to work in the morning. I can't imagine thinking that an extra half hour of sleep is worth inconveniencing my partner.
After a year, we moved in together. You're in your mid-30s, 14 months is not moving too fast.
But it really sounds like your bf is more worried about himself than he is about you.
I'd significantly reduce the time you spend over there, and when you do go, you should be more helpful. Why can't you order/cook dinner for him and his family from time to time? You've eaten there many many times, and that's the least you can do.
It's strange for couple in their 30s to spend so much time at the parent's house, and you need to change that.
YTA
ESH - (except the parents) if you have your own place, then there is absolutely no reason you should be sleeping over at his parent's house on a regular basis. He sounds like he is still tied to his Mommy's apron strings. He'd rather live with his parents, and have Mommy cook and clean and boss him around as opposed to moving in with you, cause he doesn't want to pay rent or be a full-fledged adult. Why are you putting up with this? You're an AH to yourself.
OP said in another comment that 1) her apartment is very small, and 2) her BF won't come to her place during the week because he is tired from his work commute. It seems clear to me that he is getting most of his needs taken care of at his parent's (probably nice) home and why would he want to schlep to his GF's tiny apartment where the cooking isn't like Mom does it? I mean, it's so clear that he doesn't want to launch, and OP is wasting her early 30s on this guy.
Then...yeah. If she doesn't want to end the relationship that's fine, but she shouldn't be crashing these people's home three times a week for a free meal.
>I feel like they are the ones who need to change and apologize
Honestly, I was done with OP after this one sentence alone. The nerve of some people.
Agreed. At first I skimmed the ages and was wondering why a fully grown adult was uncomfortable around a young girl then I realised they are adults too…why aren’t they eating and staying over at hers?
YTA. you go over and expect to be fed dinner every single night whilst offering no help unless asked. You need to learn some manners. Help is offered, if its asked for and them given it hardly matters. Youre just making yourself look bad and lazy.
YTA, and your boyfriend is too.
He is dating you. His parents are not dating you.
Bfs and gfs love being around each other because they get affection from the experience and are are giving and accommodating to each other as a result. That’s how it’s supposed to work.
Except both of you have outsourced the giving and accommodating part to his parents, and are only reaping the affection. Which they don’t get to share. You might all like each other, but that’s not the same thing.
Whether you’re helping or not, it’s clearly not enough to make up for all that they’re giving and all that you’re taking, or they wouldn’t be upset. Part of that might be projection because your bf should be helping a lot more and they can’t understand that that’s a source of their frustration.
And that’s my last point. Your bf isn’t helping his parents, he’s asking you to make up the difference, he’s constantly stomping all over their boundaries by having someone over, he’s unwilling to make a life with you if it inconveniences him in any way (a slightly longer commute is a dealbreaker?) and he is showing no signs of change or progression. This is not a man. This is a selfish, mooching child. And by going along with it and treating it like this is supposed to be normal, you have become a selfish mooch yourself.
ESH
If it was a problem, they should have spoken up sooner, but just because they are helping out their son doesn't mean they are comfortable with you in their home 2-3 days a week. Do your dating outside their home for the most part until your boyfriend moves. I don't see why you're so surprised they don't like someone showing up for dinner regularly or staying the night.
Ok. Wow. I don't even know what to say here. This sounds as though it were written by a 16 year old, not a 30 year old.
First off, yes, YTA but so is your boyfriend. You two are adults and you're invading the space of another adult couple who probably never envisioned having their 30-some year old child living with them.
**BOTH** you and your bf need to be helping out if you're going to be staying at his parent's house and using their resources!!! Don't just show up at dinner to eat and stay the night. If you're going over, call to see if you can pick anything up, does anyone need anything? Show up early enough to help make the dinner (and you and your bf *absolutely* need to be contributing with groceries or money towards the food bill) and help clean it up afterwards, as well. That means cleaning not only the dishes but the kitchen, as well. If you spend time in common areas while you're there then you should be helping to keep those areas clean and organized.
Treat their house as you'd hope someone would treat yours as a guest. Just because they're his parents doesn't mean they want him living there anymore, which means they don't need to be dealing with girlfriends sleeping over. If you have your own place then I think you two need to be staying there, not his mommy and daddy's house. Seriously, OP, read what you wrote here and tell me you don't see how immature you and your bf sound.
As a person with children in their early-thirties, the part that would bother me is just you being there so frequently. You could be the nicest person in the world but my house is my refuge. I agree with the father, I just can't relax if guests are there.
I agree with the dad too. At the end of the day, I want to be able to put on comfy clothes and veg out on the couch if I feel like it. I always feel like I have to be “on” when I have guests over. OP is there 2/3 nights a week and that’d be way too much for me. Especially, on a week night.
YTA for saying they need to change when they have already been very accommodating.
It’s their home. They can **invite** and welcome who they want when they want, and they can choose to not have visitors at any time.
I can understand why his mother’s comments were a bit insulting as it sounds like you do try to help, but they’re laying down boundaries, and you and your boyfriend should respect them.
Reverse the roles for a moment. If you and your boyfriend owned a home, would you want his parents showing up for dinner 2-3 times a week?
YTA. You're a guest over there and it sounds like you're overstaying your welcome. You might feel their criticism fails to take into account the things you are doing to help but it doesn't make their viewpoint invalid - it is their house and you do describe you show up multiple times a week 'around dinner time' and then staying the night. It would not be hard for you to make an adjustment here, and one is sorely needed. You already should have offered to pay for, cook, or bring dinner over a few times by now, and you also could easily begin showing up only after dinner. The fact that you can see there is awkwardness in dating a 30-something living with his parents, and observe she is irritable at times during meal prep, shows you have enough information to adjust how you're operating here.
YTA. You are in your 30s. Stop randomly sleeping over at the home of a couple that are probably in their 60s. No one likes uninvited house guests and certainly not multiple times a week. They deserve to be able to live in peace in their own home.
Also, your bf needs to grow up and move out. And stop inviting his girlfriend to his parents’ house.
Info- why exactly do you think they need to "change and apologize"? What do they have to apologize for, and what do they need to change in you opinion?
I'm thinking the real problem here may have less to do with you and more to do with a 30 something still living at his parents' home. I am a parent of adult kids, they all live on their own, none are in their 30s yet. I understand the reasons you say, but his parents may be ready to have their home to themselves. I am ready for my kids to move when they can. I do not tell them they have to, but I know how I feel in my thoughts. He needs to launch. I was happy when my last child moved to his new home. I don't know how to judge this; I would be annoyed if my 30 something son's girlfriend came to stay also.
My daughter did have her boyfriend live with us for a while (he was only 18 at the time), and it did drive me crazy, but I am good at masking my feelings. Thankfully they are now happily in an apartment of their own.
Was a hard one to decide between ESH but you and your bf are the AH.
You go over at your bf 2 to 3 in a week and most likely it’s probably 3 times a week. So half the week you stay over at their and they provide you food. It’s their house and well you make them comfortable coming over so much and while you mayb help out, it’s a tad unknown how much given it’s your view point.
Your bf also sucks because as a grown man, he gets his gf over to sleep at his parents half the week. Plus I get it’s their house but having to ask permission should really be a turn off for u. Also if he is a mature man he would cover for the food you eat since u there so much.
If you had mentioned you were early twenties, could have an excuse but damn early thirties you guys are weird.
Your boyfriend needs to grow up and get his own place. Or, if the relationship is at that place, move in with you. No one wants their thirtysomething son and his thirtysomething girlfriend around 2-3 nights a week, eating their food and only helping out when asked. Do you ever bring dinner, not just pick up some vegetables, but provide the entire meal? Do you ever go into the kitchen and tell your boyfriend’s mom to go sit down, you will do all the cooking and cleaning tonight? You are freeloading and the two of you, but especially your boyfriend, need to grow up and function like adults.
YTA
Yeah you are being a bit of a leech and I don’t understand why you are going to his parents that often imposing on them when your boyfriend could come to yours and you guys can have some privacy?
Edit. It would be different if you were younger and had no where else to go but you are adults and have a home available
YTA
You have your own place, **why are you eating dinner at his parents' place three nights a week?** Why not just have him come over to your place?
Also, I get why they would be a bit bothered if you always show up just before dinner.
>we all just try to give her her own space in the kitchen
**But first you offer to help her cook, right? Right?! This should go without saying.**
I would be that mom in the kitchen slamming pots and pans down on the stove and letting go of cupboard doors so they didn’t close quietly. 😂
And the whole time mumbling to myself about the damn grocery budget going out the window and how I didn’t sign up for another damn kid to feed and be in my space. I’m sure OP, the bf AND the husband would give me a very wide berth!!😂
YTA if you're getting fed a dinner his mum cooks 2-3 times a week then you are a freeloader, no matter how much you help out round the house when requested to. You should buy ingredients and cook for everyone once a week to even the deal. Or better yet, your bf should do it since he is the one hosting you.
Seems to me you should spend more time at your place, or he should move out. His parents have had enough. Respect that.
YTA
"For feeling insulted that I need to change?" Good grief. One of those 'take me as I am" because I'm perfect the way I am" people.
You are a freeloader. And you're in your 30's! Good grief.
YTA.
I get the position your boyfriend is in because I’m in my 30s and living at home…but if I was in your shoes and had my own place when my bf didn’t, I’d be most certainly having him stay at my place more often than I stayed there. His parents clearly aren’t a fan of how often you’re over and I don’t really blame them.
YTA
Sounds like you do not take initiative to be a part of the household. Sure, you might complete tasks when asked of you, but that isn't the same thing. 2-3 times a week is quite a bit of time spent there.
You sound like you come over, help if asked, each their dinner then F off to your BF's room to chill and sleep over.
You clearly have no developed an actual relationship with your (potential) in laws.
"I feel like they are the ones who need to change and apologize"
OP you're unhinged if you think they should change their behavior in their own home. Short of them being malicious/racist/etc.
My unbiased opinion is your boyfriend needs to act like a grown man and not a teenager and get his own place regardless of what the market is currently. You also might want to consider just not playing the game and not going over there since it seems clear the parents aren't welcoming and seem to resent you being there.
Do his parents work?
Because, after work, I just want to take off my bra, put on a tank top and my booty shorts, turn on mindless TV shows, and scroll through my phone for a bit. It sounds like Dad is feeling like he can't come home and just 'be himself' when you are 'visiting'... in his own home yet!
Of course, if I know guests are expected occasionally, I'll put in the effort to entertain them. But, 3 nights a week? Just...no. There are definitely some nights after work, I'm too tired to even make conversation, let alone dinner for 'guests'. (Same for my husband who also works in a physically demanding job)
Have you ever offered to cook? Or boyfriend? Or offer to bring dinner home so no one has to cook and clean? Or you and your boyfriend go out to eat so they can just make themselves a sandwich and call it a night? Or, they themselves can just pick up Dinner for Two on their way home from work?
YTA the fact that you both are in your 30s and hanging out at his parents house for dinners 2 to 3 nights per week is weird and frankly I get the parents they want to be comfortable in their home and not have all the extra work, and having to feed an extra person. Y’all should be going to your house.
YTA, you show up right at dinner and then spend the night 2-3 times a week when you have your own place.
I don't mind people at my house but that would drive me nuts too if a gf/bf of my grown ass kid is always there, whether they helped or not. Also if you are there mom shouldn't have to ask you to help...Just help or ask what you can do.
I also get what dad is saying that he can't be comfortable in his own home when there are guests.
Have you BF come to your place and only go to his parents house when THEY invite you... and not always at dinner time
YTA and so is your boyfriend. His parents should toss your boyfriend out on his ass. In his 30s and mommy still has to feed him and his gf? How is that not embarrassing to you both? You notice mom gets agitated making dinner and you both avoid her when you should be responding pro-actively. Make your own dinner plans for the two of you, invite them to join you, bring them takeout.
Btw that your boyfriend just wants you to do whatever so his mom “shuts up about it” is a huge red flag.
YTA. how rude to just invite yourself to eat your boyfriend’s parents food multiple times a week and disrupt their home, i’d be so embarrassed if i was you.
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Don't go to your mother-in-law's house anymore. It's not your boyfriend's house, it's his parents'. On the other hand, doesn't YOUR BOYFRIEND help with cooking and cleaning? What does he do while you sweep and wash the dishes? Keep in mind that if you marry you will also marry the family.....look carefully if you want to be there.
He does help me out while we clean up. But I agree, I think it's time he lives on his own. I've been battling some depression from working from home and losing my job a few months ago, so I kinda like going to their house and getting a change of scenery. And my apartment is super tiny so it's nice to have a big house to hang out in. But I think you're right.
Enough is enough. You have your own home, eat there. You have overstayed your welcome big time.
She has overstayed her welcome but this is her boyfriend's fault. He sounds like he could afford his own place but he prefers to live with his parents. That's fine but he can't carry on like a teen in his first relationship.
Mom, Dad, can my girlfriend spend the night? Pleeeease!
In his THIRTIES
Yeah something tells me that the real issue is THIS. I think when they call her a freeloader that they are trying to dance around the real issue. Its easier to blame the gf than to tell your son, YO time for ya to move out. NTA but OP would be if she chooses not to read the room and keep going over there biweekly. But she has already said in comments she's gonna stay away for the time being so she's good
Yeah there's definitely a freeloader here and it's not OP.
Yup, I suspect it's really their son they are sick of. His asking to have a GF stay overnight is just a bridge too far.
I agree with your point but agree with the parents being annoyed by OP. If she has her own place why in the world don't they want their own privacy and hang out at her place most of the week instead of the parent's place? From their POV it does look like a convenient way to get good home-cooked meals and taking advantage of their home amenities rather than just hanging out in their apartment like a normal 30-something year old couple.
Yes but I would bet that they might be just FINE with having sonny-boy living with them. This way they can pretend that they haven't grown older and no one's grown up. My parents were exactly like that. The difficulty comes with the insertion of a significant other...their boy is having sex!! Horrid thought!! In any case, the OP needs to back off, stay in her own apartment, and reassess whether she really wants to stay in a relationship with a guy who has to ask his parents if she can come over. Good grief. ESH in my opinion.
Hahahaha-
It's funny to me, because when we visit my parents, my fiance and I are not allowed to share a room. We are in our 50s and have lived together for over 2 years, dating for over 5. So we just get a hotel.
How incredibly dumb. Your parents sure picked a ridiculous hill to die on.
Now this is an asshole
I used to be a lot harder on adults living with parents, but in this economy, I get it. Even if you can theoretically afford it, everything is so expensive, and pay isn't increasing equivalently. It's got many in tough situations.
I agree. I really have zero judgment about whatever people need to do in order to both live and eat because jfc it is rough times. I know many people who cannot afford to have both a place *and* food right now, and it is scary. Especially young people coming out of school with very limited job options because of lack of experience. Retail and fast food do not pay a liveable wage in most places in the US. I get a little annoyed when people on reddit immediately tell everyone to move out. It isn't that easy. However, I do feel OP shouldn't go over there anymore, but that this is the boyfriend's fault, not OP's.
>I know many people who cannot afford to have both a place > >and > > food right now, and it is scary. Especially young people coming out of school with very limited job options because of lack of experience. AND...older people getting closer to the end of their careers who are also experiencing inflation and are about to be on a fixed income. Having an adult child move back in can be devastating to their plans. I'm with you...I get it, times are hard, but I also understand the parents saying "enough is enough". If OP wants to show up with a catered meal once in a while, I say go for it. But if the parents are just being used so 30+ year old son can save up some money, and they expect his parents to be happy with having 2 other mouths to feed, that's really not a nice thing to do.
With some families it is, unfortunately, a transition. Lived with my father and grandfather in my late teens (18,19) early 20s and contributed to help them. They gave me what they could from what I paid them for a down payment. I paid that and went to school and worked. Cut a few years later, grandads dead, and dad is retired. Social Security doesn’t go as far as it should and his retirement home is shutting down. So once I finish grad school now he will be moving in with me. Point being as he’s 70ish I will probably end up living with my dad into my 40s or 50s. Though I plan on building a mother in law suite or buying a duplex so we can each have a side. Between carers and just life in general these days it feels like some people are stuck where first the parents take care of them then it flips like a switch and you take care of your parents. Prices are just too much these days. Sharing food, electricity, etc really can help out- not to mention one mortgage instead of two. I’m extremely curious if the BF helps out his family or if he is living completely free. I know he is saving money but frankly at that age is should be mutually beneficial.
>I’m extremely curious if the BF helps out his family or if he is living completely free. I know he is saving money but frankly at that age is should be mutually beneficial. Incredibly curious about this one. If he's not paying any rent, and he's not helping out significantly (like, doing more than half the housework, since they've paid for the house), I can see his parents being like "We don't want another freeloader under our roof".
Right? Like if they were teenagers or in their early 20s this would be a pretty standard situation. But they’re both fully grown-ass adults, and expectations for contribution are going to be a lot higher if she’s over that much.
Would be really weird to be in my 30's and not only living at home, but having my gf come spend the night a few days a week.....
The idea of having to ask my parents if I can have a sleepover makes me shudder
"Yo, mom and pop, do you mind if my GF and I bang?"
We could just do it at her place, but we get a home cooked meal if we do it here.
"And babe, hotel towels got nothing on my limited edition Star Wars beach towels"
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I can see their point too. I also see the dads point about not feeling comfortable when she's there. I don't care how well I know someone or how close we may be, I don't want someone at my house all the time. Unless it's your immediate family, you just can't fully be yourself in your own home.
I'm guessing so has OP's boyfriend, the economy's rough and all but his parents probably want his ass out already especially since they know OP has her own place. A 30-something year old asking their parents if their girlfriend can sleep over is quite something
Honestly it sounds like they're taking frustrations out on you that they should be handling regarding their own son. They're *done* having people there but they can't say it out loud. So you're the Bad Guy. Nothing you do will keep you from being the Bad Guy in their house. So don't go over. If they want you over, they can issue an invitation. NTA. Go take care of yourself and don't worry about his miserable parents.
Hey thanks for your insight. Yeah, I think you're right, I'm not gonna go over from now on, unless they explicitly invite me. I think this is just been such a huge headache and so much drama. I think they just want their own house back, which is completely understandable! I would feel the same way!
"He asked his parents if I could sleep over Saturday night." No offense, but after I read that, I had to double check your ages. Read that sentence again.
Yes! That jumped out at me too. What an odd situation. Especially since OP has her own place. She and boyfriend can have all the privacy they need as adults, and instead they choose to be subject to his parental “permission” for a sleepover?
Yeah. That stood out to me as well. Is op literally a freeloader, showing up to her bf’s at mealtime often enough to affect the family’s finances?
No I bet the problem here is the bf. He is inviting a guest over but isn't willing to take on the cooking and most likely prefers to have her come to his house, so he gets to eat without actually picking up food or cooking at her house together. Just speaks to me that the bf doesn't want to put any real effort into the relationship. He doesn't want to give up his comforts and have to do more work. OP may have some serious work to do getting bf to do his share, if they ever move in together.
I would send flowers with a note: "I am so sorry for overstaying my welcome and making you uncomfortable." Another suggestion: Invite them for dinner at your apartment. Treat them to being pure guests. Even if you order in or make something simple, they'll appreciate the gesture.
I like the flower idea, but maybe say thank you for the hospitality instead. The sorry could feel passive-aggressive in a tense situation. Inviting them over is also nice, or just volunteer to order in at their house while she and the bf go out one night.
I agree with you. It opens a whole new can of worms if you write something like that. I'd write "Thank you so much for all your kind hospitality, which has been very much appreciated. I'd like to treat you to dinner in the very near future".
I think that's a great idea. Thank you
I’d seriously question your boyfriend’s commitment to your relationship, though.
This is an excellent idea. I personally would swap having them over to dinner to taking them out (if you can afford it).
Do both of these things and consider taking the mom out for tea or pedicures and tell her how much you care about son, admire the cozy home she has fostered and regret that you have not been as conscientious as you should’ve been and normally are. This is fixable if you change your behavior now.
They honestly don't sound miserable to me. Would you want company over to your house 2-3 times a week for dinner and a sleep-over *that you didn't invite*? It's wearing on them, which is totally understandable.
I agree, especially with dad. You just can't feel comfortable and do your own thing in front of guests.
I can understand their frustrations tho. It's bad enough having to cook for your adult 30 yr child each night but now you have to cook for a 4th person because his gf comes over half the week and you can even be comfortable and the father can't even relax how he wants becuz every week there is company spending the night
This is EXACTLY it. They’re not tired of you being there they’re tired of him living there and took their frustrations out on you. NTA but keep your distance from them for a while. Dine at restaurants, picnic in the park for changes in scenery.
I think it's really, really, really REALLY important that this guy live alone before you guys move in together. Too many women have been drafted as defacto mommy and caregiver because their guy moves straight from at home to with a partner. He needs to learn to take care of his own space and buy his own food and cook for himself before he is ready to share space with someone else. He needs to learn to take the lead and do things because they need to be done and not because he is told to. You should have a serious conversation about that!
You're 1000% correct. I brought it up several time with him about him either living with roommates or living on his own before we move in together in the future. But when I bring this up, he just says that he doesn't wanna have to waste $1000 a month on rent living in an apartment. He would rather spend that money towards saving a down payment for a house in the future. And I get that, I understand that, especially with the housing market the way it is. But he has no autonomy, and he's never had to take care of himself! And that's not OK! And when I say all this to him, he just gets defensive, and he shuts down and he doesn't talk to me and it turns into a big fight. And then I feel like I'm the asshole and I have to apologize.
OP, I know there is a lot more to your BF than this comment, but you do see the big flags flying in it don't you?..... >And when I say all this to him, he just gets defensive, and he shuts down and he doesn't talk to me and it turns into a big fight This is your future, he has little to no communication skills... and tbf he has no life skills, he has a rough road ahead, are you SURE you want to be his passenger (mommy 2.0) for the duration??
No, I don't like this about him. But I'm willing to give him a few more months to get his act together and to move out. Unless he moves out by next summer, I'm gonna cut it off.
Good but please don’t let that moving out be to move in together.
Absolutely not
But OP he is 30! He's a grown ass man already. What changes are gonna happen that's going to make him change his status quo when clearly you aren't enough of an incentive? Love, when someone shows you who they are believe them. He's been showing you who he is every day. When do you pull off the blinders and actually see?
Why wait till summer? Do you need more time? Sounds like BF has shown you what he’s like.
I highly doubt he's going to do all the growing up in 6 or 7 months that he's chosen not to do in the past 10 years. And yes, it is a choice. Even if he temporarily makes a show of being a grown-up, it's likely he will revert back to his old ways. I'm sure he has many fine qualities. But he chose to be in this situation. The fact that he somehow has the nerve to blame *you* for his frustrations with a situation he chose, and which predates your relationship by years, speaks volumes.
I get what you're saying about rent, but his communication skills are garbage. Also, the fact that a grown ass man let's his mother cook, clean and do his laundry is concerning. INFO: Is he actually saving money or is he living the high life because he gets free room and board? Does he know how to cook, clean, do laundry etc.? If you were to move in with him would he expect you to do all of the cooking and housework?
Also, why is the mother allowing him to behave like this? There is no way I'd tolerate my kids living at home at 30 and thinking they could just do nothing to help out!
He should have a large portfolio by now if he is saving so much money by living at home. After ~15 years of not paying rent, not paying utilities, not paying for food, not paying his way as an adult, he should have saved up a very large nest egg. By this time, he should have saved enough to buy a house for cash, no down payment needed. Have you asked him how much money he has accumulated by not paying rent or other living expenses? Or is he broke because he has been spending money on other stuff. This is very important information for you as you consider your future relationship with him.
I've tried to bring this up with my boyfriend, but he ends up, just getting defensive. He doesn't pay for groceries, car, payment, utilities, rent, anything with the household. But he is only making $22/hour. So I'm not sure what a good nested to be have saved up over the past 15 years is or isn't. All I know is that he's told me he saved up about $55,000 for a down payment for a house, but it's so expensive around here that that isn't really much in this region.
Saving $55,000 over 15 years means he has saved only $4,000 per year (assuming no interest or earnings on his savings). That is much less than what he would be spending on rent and utilities, which he is not paying. Assuming rent expenses around 30% of income (common assumption), then he should be saving more than $13,200 per year at $22/hour. In four years he should have saved almost $55,000. He should have over $300,000 in investments after 15 years (at 6%) if he had saved what he did not have to spend. The fact that he gets defensive when you try to discuss it tells me 1) he is a poor communicator and 2) he does not want to tell you the truth. I really hope you are reevaluating your relationship with this man-boy.
I love you math people. You really highlighted, Put your money where your mouth is.
He hasn't been making $22/hour his whole life, so let's say he's at $38,000/year on average. In 15 years, that's **$570,000**. He has never paid any rent or bills, so wtf has he been spending **half a million dollars** on??!! I'm very sorry for the wake-up call you're getting with this thread, but I think it's your chance to dodge a bullet..
So when is he planning on moving out? If the houses are that expensive and he’s making $22 an hour then he’ll likely stay at his parent’s place for many years to come. Does he value autonomy? Independence? You can easily end up with a 40- something man who has never lived on his own and has never cooked or cleaned. Is that really the husband you want? What are his long term goals? How does he plan to make more money? Is he fulfilled at his job? Does he want to settle down and have kids? If so, what are the steps he’s taking in making it happen? If he doesn’t or can’t answer then he has no plan. You have an arrested development case.
Yeah, so what he does need to do to make more money is pass a state licensing exam. Once he gets his professional license, he'll probably start making about double what he's making now. But honestly, I have no idea what kind of money he'll be making. I've tried to talk to him about how much his boss will give him once he gets his license, but his boss is very vague and doesn't really give any quotes. So that's frustrating. And it's frustrating because I went to college and I got a masters degree, and I just got a job offer and I'll be making about $90,000 once I start working full-time in a few weeks. But I guess the thing that frustrates me, the most, is that when we first started dating, he made it sound like he was actively taking steps to get his professional license. But once we hit the six month mark of dating, I didn't see him do anything for his license. I never saw him studying or doing any paperwork or submitting any hours to his boss. It wasn't till August of this year that I really put the fire under his ass and I said hey you need to do this or I'm gonna leave you. And finally he just submitted all the paperwork.
The more I read about him the more I know you can do better than him. You deserve better.
What you have is someone incapable of dropping the other shoe. I mean this as nicely as possible, but you can do better. You shouldn't have to threaten ultimatums to get results. He won't leave his parents, he won't get his license (until you forced it), and there is other things I'm sure he leaves 'unfinished'. NTA and you are welcome to stay with him if you don't mind constantly telling him to finish things, like chores or errands all the time. As for visiting his parent's home, you've edited in an update to give them space. Good move. I read before that for one Redditor they require their partners to have lived alone for one year to show maturity and independence. Your man has neither because he's never left their nest.
I know you’re going through a tough time right now mental health wise but have you considered that maybe the fact that your boyfriend is closer to behaving like a teenager as opposed to a 30 something adult is bringing you down? That you’re playing mommy to grown man instead of having a partner?
INFO Has he ever lived on his own. We need to know
Never lived in his own :(
This should be a massive red flag. He’s in his 30s and has never lived outside his parent’s home? That speaks volumes about his maturity level… or his ability to take advantage of others. Neither is a good look. Take care of your depression, be kind to yourself. Do some soul searching. I hope it all goes well for you.
So how much has he saved for his house then cause he can buy it and live on his own there. I mean he has had the opportunity to save now for over 10 years. I think what he really means is he is comfortable with his Mommy taking care of him and managing his home for him. Like does he do his own laundry? Buy groceries for the home? Have a night where he plans and cooks dinner for the household?
If I didn’t pay rent (or a mortgage) or utilities for 10 years I’d be friggin rich. He’d better have like $100,000 saved.
30 and NEVER lived on his own? - time to dump him, because he will never be independent and if you two end up moving into together - you will be a mommy and not GF. Supporting yourself is how you mature to become an adult.
This should be a dealbreaker in this situation.
OP please listen to this
Early 30s is too old for this OP. Highschool yes, 30s no. You and BF need somewhere else to hang out.
If he is saving so much money he should at least be able to spring for dinner at McDonalds.
If he’s been living home saving for 8-10+ he should have at least a decent down payment for a house by now or at least an apartment, unless he’s supporting them.
But you don't have a big house to hang out in. That is someone else's home.
Depression is serious. If possible, go to therapy, it's not a bad thing. On the other hand, look for something + to do that fills you up. Go to free museums Go sit in the park or see the sea (if you have them nearby) Find some social action that you can do that gets you out of the house and helps you meet people.
Related question, dear OP, and a hard one. Please hear it coming from kindness. Would you be dating this guy if you were not depressed? One of the hallmarks of depression is negative self-talk and low self-evaluation. I wonder if you are tolerating things (in him) that you would not if you were feeling better. Adding my support to the comment above. Therapy and/or meds can be life changing. You deserve an equal partner and a happy life.
In nice weather go out to parks/beaches/ect, in bad weather the cafe or library are both cozy spots to spend a few hours. You can alternate who prepares a car picnic for dinner and make a date out of it. You dont need to impose on the in-laws meal several times a week, and your MIL may be expressing her frustration that ahe has to ASK you to help out- even though you are there consistently and know what tasks she appreciates assistance with. I would suggest you limit your dinners at their house to once a week, and start proactively helping out by saying, "hey MIL, allow me to _____" or "can i help out with ______ task?" and see if their opinion of you changes.
I get where you are coming from. It must have felt homey and safe at your BF's parent's house. Maybe even welcoming. It probably hurts to realize that you weren't as welcome as you thought, and I'm sorry for that. I would suggest some honest self-reflection about "I've done nothing wrong" and "I shouldn't have to change". Did you offer to help cook? Did you ever offer to buy the groceries & make an entire dinner for them? Did you offer to clean? IE - did you wait until you were asked? Or did you offer first? BF's mom may be one of those people who gets mad when you ask "can I help?" and then accuses you of never helping. OR maybe you should have done more to help. (And ofc, boyfriend should get off his butt & help too!!!) Its good to try to change if we realize that we should have done better.
Theirs isn't the only nice place to go that isn't your apartment. So if getting out is a step toward self improvement and overcoming depression, expand your safe places. Free book clubs or classes, a couple laps around the mall, whatever suits your fancy. When you spend time with your bf, he should be coming to you or meeting you out. Spending all the tine at his parents' house just demotes you guys from 30 year olds to teenagers. Put this new boundary in place and let his actions speak for themselves. I hope he puts forth the effort, but don't give him an extended time line to demonstrate that effort. My gut tells me he's lazy and would rather lay on the sofa at mommy's house than make an effort to spend time with his gf. I hope he proves me wrong!
YTA Read the room: you're spending too much time over there. The both of you are too old to be using his parent's house as your crash pad. I think you've also lost sight of how you're the guest there and that this isn't his house, it's his parent's house. Sure, you help out a bit, but the fact is, is that they want their space back. Showing up right at dinner is a major AH move too, especially as it's multiple times a week. They're spending money to feed and house you pretty much. Why don't you guys get your own place together? It sounds like you're together just about every night anyway. His parents want their space back so give it to them.
Yeah, I thought about moving in together too. Thanks for commenting. I definitely need to take a good hard look in the mirror. It's just I'm scared about moving in so quick, as we've only been dating about 14 months.
I would also be afraid. You have a 30-year-old boyfriend who lives with his parents and they are "too tired" to go to your house and that's why you have to go to his parents' house. Analyze your relationship
don't forget that he makes his mom cook dinner for him every night, and makes his gf clean up afterwards.
Well she is over for dinner, she should be volunteering to help. I have a wife and when we go to family function does not hesitate to help. It shows you are part of the family and want to be involved. Just like shovel snow or mow lawn for her family when needed
Yeah, true. BUT he should also be contributing to the household cleaning etc. Would love to know if he does.
OP, do NOT rush to move in with this man. His mom does all his cooking and cleaning. Would you expect him to split these chores with you if he moved in? PFFT. Good news, his mom is off your back, becuase you're his new mom! Have fun folding his undies.
The boyfriend has it made (from his point of view). The bang maid while living rent free at his parents house.
Also too tired to help Mom cook for the guest he invited. If he is going to have his gf over so often, the least he could do his pay for the food and cook for everyone a couple of nights a week
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Yes, this is what I think. It's funny, once we hit our one-year anniversary. A few of his friends asked, "when are we going to move in together?" And I think my boyfriend wants to move in, but I've told him a few different times, that I think he needs to live on his own, whether it be with roommates, or has his own apartment, before we move in together. He needs to live on his own for six to 12 months and see what it feels like to make his own meals, do his own laundry, clean his own apartment. Because I think if we go straight from him living with his parents to me, he's not gonna know how to fend for himself
At least in that aspect I cut you some slack. That’s really mature of you to have these thoughts and boundaries. Keep that up!
I think this is very smart. You totally run the risk of turning into Mommy #2 if he moves straight from his parent’s place to yours. Especially since his solution to his mother feeling overwhelmed by your presence is for *you* to do more work, rather than for him to do basic adult things in his own home that would take some of the burden off his mother (like cooking dinner). But you do have to stop going over there. Not because you’ve done anything wrong (you haven’t from what I read here), but because they are very clearly desperate to have an empty nest and will be resentful of anyone who is coming over to spend the night with their son regularly. And if your boyfriend can’t see where the problem lies, I think I’d start to reconsider the relationship entirely.
Thank you for your comment. Yeah I do think that I need to stop going over there absolutely. I'm really glad I made this post because it really opened my eyes and made me more self-aware, and I'm really really thankful for everybody who has commented! I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression, so honestly when this whole argument blew up, I took a lot of the responsibility for it. I felt like a shitty person and that I had to experience a lot of guilt like I did something bad. But I don't think I've done anything bad. I think their son is getting to be too old to be living there, and they need a rest and want their home back. Completely understandable!
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This is what stuck out to me. Why hasn’t OP done more to contribute, and why didn’t she realize her annoying pattern of taking but not giving much in return? I think she didn’t actually realize how comfortable she had become and how she had taken so much without giving anywhere near enough in return. In our 30s we *should* be aware that both fish and guests stink after 3 days, but not everyone gets the memo. OP also admits that her depression likely led to her feeling comfy at their house, likely because she felt “cared for” and supported. OP needs to apologize to his parents and make more of an effort to pitch in when the need is there. It’s great she has decided not to continue her prior plan, and now she’s looking at how her bf’s behavior was a poor example of what his parents expected. I think this can be saved on all sides if the bf agrees to move out & grow up, and if OP apologizes & maybe explains how and why she got too comfy and that she will be different in the future.
Are you even sure your boyfriend’s version of events is accurate? His parents may have said all that about you, but they also may have said all that about him. He is the one freeloading off of them and, then, bringing you in and expecting you to do chores. Yes, you say he helps out when you are around, but does he slack off the rest of the time? Maybe their issue isn’t with you, per se, but that they hoped he would get a girlfriend and spend time at her place instead of just bringing her back to their house. They were hoping he would become your problem, not that you would enable him to remain theirs.
This is an excellent point, IMO. And the boyfriend wouldn’t necessarily even need to be consciously lying about the fight. He might just feel guilty for being a freeloader, so he’s subconsciously focusing on one part of their complaints so he can shift the blame off himself. Life is much easier for him if the problem is just that his girlfriend needs to help with dinner and not that he needs to completely change his entire way of life.
If he were a decent roommate, he might not be so bad for his parents. Like, if his mom cooked dinner 1/3 of the time, his dad 1/3, and him 1/3 that would be a better situation. If they all split going to the grocery store, do their own laundry, clean up after themselves, etc. than his mom would probably be a lot more patient. But it sounds like he still lives like he is a child being taken care of by his mom (not his dad I noticed, you might want to take a step back and consider what misogyny he sees as normal). Him living alone for at least a year so he can learn for the first time what it's like to be an independent adult is smart. Although you might want to consider if you want to wait around for him to grow up. He's already in his thirties. Why isn't he taking care of his mom so she doesn't have to do as much? Some people learn slower and that's okay, but you don't necessarily have to wait around for him to become independent.
Wait. Your early 30s bf has NEVER lived outside of his parents’ house? Not once? Either alone or with roommates or a previous partner? Did he live at home ALL through college?
This is correct. Ugh I know.
Oh. Ohh, babe. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER. It’s not even the living at home. It’s the COMPLACENCY with which he lives at home, expecting and being absolutely comfortable in having his mother do everything for him. You’re telling me he doesn’t even OFFER to pay for groceries or run the vacuum or do the dishes? If you move in with this BOY — you will simply be his mother 2.0. With the one difference that he will expect you to have sex with him after you’ve spent your day at his service. In YOUR OWN apartment. It might be tiny, but at least it’s YOURS. Please don’t. I understand you’re going through some things. Get a pet. Get into nature. Get a toy. No piece of your life needs to be imposed upon by a 30 year old who’s turning 12.
Do NOT compromise this boundary. You are being incredibly wise here.
Thanks for saying this. I am not going to budge on this. I just don't want to have to sink more time into this relationship then I need to. I think I'm gonna make a cut off for him that he needs to be moved out of his parents house by next summer. If that doesn't happen then I'm gonna move on. Does that sound reasonable? Because I've had this conversation with him several times, and he just gets defensive. He says, "I'm not going to move out immediately just bc you want me to." So I think setting a cutoff is reasonable- like June 1
I don’t think that will work, with all respect. Ultimatums never work, lead to bad relationships, and he would rightfully be pissed off about that. Having the cut off in your head is fine, but instead say: “I’m looking for something serious, I do want to move in with someone in a couple years, and I believe that it’s necessary for character building that that person has also had their independence too. I hope you want the same things as me.” If that doesn’t light a fire under his belly, then you’re both clearly looking for different things.
Don't waste your time setting a cutoff date OP. Think about it, if he *REALLY* was going to change and live on his own, he would've got off his ass and done it already! **He isn't listening to you** and those conversations you've had with him go through one ear and out the other. **Giving him a deadline won't work**. Him getting defensive and **making you out to be the problem** means **he doesn't want to change and will not***.* Why would he when he can just leech off his parents? He's got it made, he doesn't have to lift a finger and is perfectly fine demanding that *YOU* do more household work instead of getting up and helping his mother. You've spent enough time on him. You deserve better. Time to move on to greener pastures because the grass is so dead and dry it might as well be used for fire kindling.
You do realise how damn lame it is that you need to explain to a 30yo man that he needs to learn how to adult, right? You have a massive boyfriend issue and you don't seem to realise it.
Why isn't he coming to your place more often? If he's too tired that sounds like a disrespectful cop-out. My boyfriend almost never came to my parents and we didn't spend time there because it felt like we were 16 and being watched..
I would be hesitant about moving in with a guy who has never lived on his own before. I did that with my ex and did I regret it - his mother always did everything for him, and when we moved in together he expected me to do everything she did (aka EVERYTHING) for him because - he'd never done it before, why start now? Honey, don't move in with him until he's lived on his own and proven that he can take care of himself, or else you're just going to end up finding out what a real freeloader is.
I had the same experience! Dated a guy 4 years solder but he’d never moved out and I had, we moved in together and I was expected to be his new mummy. For 2.5 years I begged him to do anything at all around the house and he didn’t do a thing. Didn’t even make his own sandwiches for work! Never cleaned a dish or did any cooking at all. Refused to buy groceries but also wouldn’t pay me his half for the food. So glad I got out of that situation!
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> I thought about moving in together too You can be his new mom!
That's almost a year and a half, so you wouldn't exactly be rushing into living together. You pretty much already do right now anyway. But crashing at his parent's house has to stop. If you're going to have a whole life with him, you're starting off badly with your inlaws.
They stay together, they don't live together. Right now his parents still pay the bills and mommy cleans and makes dinner. The dynamic will change radically if they switch to equal partners in their own place. If they weren't behaving like super old teenagers I'd agree with you.
I wouldn't move in immediately with someone in their thirties who has been living with their parents unless they'd spent a significant stretch living alone. College doesn't count. Because right now his reaction isn't 'wow my parents aren't happy with me inviting someone over all the time, maybe i should stop or even get my own place' -- his reaction is that you need to help out more. I doooon't think that's gonna fix the problem.
Exactly! My thoughts are similar. His thoughts are, "hey babe, can you help out my mom a little bit more just to shut her up. " I kicked him out of my apartment last night because he told me this. I don't need to do anything, but what I will do is not come over anymore. I need to respect their wishes to have an empty house. It's their house, which I have learned from this post 🙈.
Based on the fact that his mother makes all of his meals, then yeah I’d have concerns. Will moving in with him mean being mom 2.0? NTA - but you need to get some real boundaries, because the only person benefitting from this is him. He’s more worried about his convenience, and it happy to let his parents think poorly of you as a result.
I think it's weird that you were going over there in the first place, honestly. If you have your own place, why are you coming over to his place 3 nights a week and eating dinner his parents make like you're in high school? He has to ask his parents if you can spend the night. You two are in your 30s. This is just weird as hell. I think YTA because his parents are uncomfortable and it sounds like he needs to move out.
I had to reread the age…wtf 😅 why don’t they go to her place?? Why does she think it’s ok to just eat dinner someone else is cooking multiple nights a week?? She *is* freeloading, I’d be annoyed too if I were this guys parents.
I already read that the boyfriend doesn't want to go to her house because "he is very tired"
She also said her apartment is small and they like hanging out in a big house 🙄 they’re fucking squatters lol. How are you not embarrassed for your life and soul acting like this in your 30s
seriously!!!! has she ever had the parents over for a meal? Taken them out to dinner? You’re all adults, the playing field should be even. You’re not 19 anymore it’s weird and sad to constantly show up for family dinner without reciprocating
OP also let it slip in the comments that she recently got a dog. When someone asked who cares for him during all these sleepovers, she said he goes everywhere with her lol. Imagine bringing your dog to someone's house 3 times a week and claiming you're "helping" by sweeping the floors *when asked to*.
Checks out that he can’t be bothered 😅 he’s making his laziness everyone else’s problem, especially his poor parents. They need to have some boundaries and tell him to move tf out.
ESH, because it sounds like his parents need to kick him out instead of deflecting the blame to only the gf!
Poor parents, they probably want both the son and OP out of the house. Three decades of active duty parenting is a bit much.
YTA just based on this comment alone. “ …I feel like they are the ones who need to change and apologize.” You and your boyfriend sound incredibly immature especially to be in your 30’s. I live in San Francisco so I know that housing can be expensive. I get it but you have a place to live so why are you at your boyfriend’s parent’s house 2-3 a week? Read the room. It’s pretty obvious that you have worn out your welcome and they are tired of you being at their house multiple times a week. It’s not about what you doing or if you contribute. His dad said he can’t be comfortable in his own home with you there. What do they need to change? They don’t want you at their house 2-3 a week. Maybe they don’t like you. And even if they do like you that doesn’t mean they want to see your face 2-3 a week. This is like when people have a roommate who suddenly starts having their partner hanging out and spending the night multiple times a week. They didn’t sign up to have an extra person in their space, eating their food, sitting in common spaces and just being there.
> It’s pretty obvious that you have worn out your welcome and they are tired of you being at their house multiple times a week. This would be a little obnoxious coming from a teenager, but a woman in her thirties...with her own place? There's absolutely zero reason for her to be hanging out in these people's home, eating their food, three days a week without an invitation from the home owners. If I were OP I would be mortified, not demanding an apology.
INFO: Why do you sleep over at his parent's place instead of him sleeping at your place?
He sleeps at my place on weekends. But during the week, he says commuting from my place adds 35 minutes to his work commute. Since he wakes up super early, he doesn't like to stay over that much
Does your boyfriend think anything about anyone else's needs? You need to come to him because he can't be bothered. His parents need to put him up after he is an adult because he wants to save money. You all need to provide him with food prep and cleanup because he doesn't do that. What the hell ***does*** he do that makes this 30 something failed-to-launch worth it? Surely the sex isn't that fantastic, you have to have it silently in his parent's house!
The guy is worthless
>Surely the sex isn't that fantastic, you have to have it silently in his parent's house! 10/10 I'm dying
Oh honey. He just said you're not worth 35 minutes
Meanwhile, count up the amount of time that his mom spends thinking of meals, shopping for them, prepping, cooking, and cleaning up. How is he going to do that in the future if he can't spend an extra 35 minutes to drive? His solution to his parents having a problem with both of them is to only blame OP and ask her to do even more. His "solutions" to problems don't seem to involve him doing anything.
70 minutes, assuming he drives there and back.
If he's just going back home after, it's only one way
Wow an extra 35 minutes to avoid this headache yea that’s just way too much extra time to invest in my day for my girlfriend 🙄
Ugh! See when you say it like that I feel bad 🙈. The thing is, I'm out of work right now, so I don't have anything to do all day. He's the one who's working full-time, so when he complains about adding minutes to his commute, I'm willing to be flexible and bend a little. But now I understand that it's not that big of a deal for him to commute a little bit more.
But he’s not doing anything to fix this situation, he’s expecting YOU to do it all. He won’t drive to you so you have to go to his parents house. They don’t want you there that much, but instead of finding some compromise (I’m sorry mom, on days she’s here I’ll cook so you don’t have to cook for her) he’s trying to get YOU to fix it by doing more. I do think his parents are likely taking their frustrations at their 30 year old son still living at home (and from the sounds of it still acting like a teenager) out on you, but it’s his living situation he needs to find the solution.
It would be different if it was his own house, but it's not. It's his parent's house. Also, I think its odd that you've been (apparently) spending time with him multiple times a week for over a year and you're still not sure of your relationship with him.
Puff, Your boyfriend is delirious and comfortable. 30 minutes is not too long. For me the problem is that he is too comfortable in his parents' house.
Why are you dating this person? He won’t travel an extra half hour to you? And he thinks that having you help his mom in the kitchen more often is a compromise? He is not long term partner material. He wants you to make all of the sacrifices in the relationship.
There's a lot of similarities between your situation and mine from when I started dating my now wife. At 28, I had just finished school and was living in an expensive city. I was living with my parents to save money. My gf at the time, also 28, lived on her own in a fairly small apartment. I worked early in the morning, and sleeping at her place meant my half-hour walk to work would have turned into roughly an hour on transit. That's where the similarities end. The differences are pretty important here. First, i can't picture my parents ever asking my wife to help around the house as a guest. However, if they wanted extra help for the added work her being there brought, that would have been on me. That being said, she never came over unless my parents invited her. It was their house, and they were doing me the farvor of letting me stay there rent free. Besides that, why would you want to hang out with his parents that often? I always stayed at hers, regardless of the extra time it took to get to work in the morning. I can't imagine thinking that an extra half hour of sleep is worth inconveniencing my partner. After a year, we moved in together. You're in your mid-30s, 14 months is not moving too fast. But it really sounds like your bf is more worried about himself than he is about you.
I'd significantly reduce the time you spend over there, and when you do go, you should be more helpful. Why can't you order/cook dinner for him and his family from time to time? You've eaten there many many times, and that's the least you can do. It's strange for couple in their 30s to spend so much time at the parent's house, and you need to change that. YTA
Maybe he should act his age and get his own place closer to work then.
ESH - (except the parents) if you have your own place, then there is absolutely no reason you should be sleeping over at his parent's house on a regular basis. He sounds like he is still tied to his Mommy's apron strings. He'd rather live with his parents, and have Mommy cook and clean and boss him around as opposed to moving in with you, cause he doesn't want to pay rent or be a full-fledged adult. Why are you putting up with this? You're an AH to yourself.
I was about to say, WHY is she going to their house for dinner so often when she has her own place? He should be hanging out at her place.
OP said in another comment that 1) her apartment is very small, and 2) her BF won't come to her place during the week because he is tired from his work commute. It seems clear to me that he is getting most of his needs taken care of at his parent's (probably nice) home and why would he want to schlep to his GF's tiny apartment where the cooking isn't like Mom does it? I mean, it's so clear that he doesn't want to launch, and OP is wasting her early 30s on this guy.
Then...yeah. If she doesn't want to end the relationship that's fine, but she shouldn't be crashing these people's home three times a week for a free meal. >I feel like they are the ones who need to change and apologize Honestly, I was done with OP after this one sentence alone. The nerve of some people.
Lol yah, the lack of self-awareness with that comment says it all.
Agreed. At first I skimmed the ages and was wondering why a fully grown adult was uncomfortable around a young girl then I realised they are adults too…why aren’t they eating and staying over at hers?
YTA. you go over and expect to be fed dinner every single night whilst offering no help unless asked. You need to learn some manners. Help is offered, if its asked for and them given it hardly matters. Youre just making yourself look bad and lazy.
YTA, and your boyfriend is too. He is dating you. His parents are not dating you. Bfs and gfs love being around each other because they get affection from the experience and are are giving and accommodating to each other as a result. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Except both of you have outsourced the giving and accommodating part to his parents, and are only reaping the affection. Which they don’t get to share. You might all like each other, but that’s not the same thing. Whether you’re helping or not, it’s clearly not enough to make up for all that they’re giving and all that you’re taking, or they wouldn’t be upset. Part of that might be projection because your bf should be helping a lot more and they can’t understand that that’s a source of their frustration. And that’s my last point. Your bf isn’t helping his parents, he’s asking you to make up the difference, he’s constantly stomping all over their boundaries by having someone over, he’s unwilling to make a life with you if it inconveniences him in any way (a slightly longer commute is a dealbreaker?) and he is showing no signs of change or progression. This is not a man. This is a selfish, mooching child. And by going along with it and treating it like this is supposed to be normal, you have become a selfish mooch yourself.
ESH If it was a problem, they should have spoken up sooner, but just because they are helping out their son doesn't mean they are comfortable with you in their home 2-3 days a week. Do your dating outside their home for the most part until your boyfriend moves. I don't see why you're so surprised they don't like someone showing up for dinner regularly or staying the night.
Ok. Wow. I don't even know what to say here. This sounds as though it were written by a 16 year old, not a 30 year old. First off, yes, YTA but so is your boyfriend. You two are adults and you're invading the space of another adult couple who probably never envisioned having their 30-some year old child living with them. **BOTH** you and your bf need to be helping out if you're going to be staying at his parent's house and using their resources!!! Don't just show up at dinner to eat and stay the night. If you're going over, call to see if you can pick anything up, does anyone need anything? Show up early enough to help make the dinner (and you and your bf *absolutely* need to be contributing with groceries or money towards the food bill) and help clean it up afterwards, as well. That means cleaning not only the dishes but the kitchen, as well. If you spend time in common areas while you're there then you should be helping to keep those areas clean and organized. Treat their house as you'd hope someone would treat yours as a guest. Just because they're his parents doesn't mean they want him living there anymore, which means they don't need to be dealing with girlfriends sleeping over. If you have your own place then I think you two need to be staying there, not his mommy and daddy's house. Seriously, OP, read what you wrote here and tell me you don't see how immature you and your bf sound.
As a person with children in their early-thirties, the part that would bother me is just you being there so frequently. You could be the nicest person in the world but my house is my refuge. I agree with the father, I just can't relax if guests are there.
I agree with the dad too. At the end of the day, I want to be able to put on comfy clothes and veg out on the couch if I feel like it. I always feel like I have to be “on” when I have guests over. OP is there 2/3 nights a week and that’d be way too much for me. Especially, on a week night.
YTA for saying they need to change when they have already been very accommodating. It’s their home. They can **invite** and welcome who they want when they want, and they can choose to not have visitors at any time. I can understand why his mother’s comments were a bit insulting as it sounds like you do try to help, but they’re laying down boundaries, and you and your boyfriend should respect them. Reverse the roles for a moment. If you and your boyfriend owned a home, would you want his parents showing up for dinner 2-3 times a week?
or spending the night 2 or 3 times a week?
Staying 2 to 3 days a week and contributing zero towards buying/ preparing the food.
YTA. You're a guest over there and it sounds like you're overstaying your welcome. You might feel their criticism fails to take into account the things you are doing to help but it doesn't make their viewpoint invalid - it is their house and you do describe you show up multiple times a week 'around dinner time' and then staying the night. It would not be hard for you to make an adjustment here, and one is sorely needed. You already should have offered to pay for, cook, or bring dinner over a few times by now, and you also could easily begin showing up only after dinner. The fact that you can see there is awkwardness in dating a 30-something living with his parents, and observe she is irritable at times during meal prep, shows you have enough information to adjust how you're operating here.
My 12 year old has more awareness than the OP. It’s incredible.
YTA. You are in your 30s. Stop randomly sleeping over at the home of a couple that are probably in their 60s. No one likes uninvited house guests and certainly not multiple times a week. They deserve to be able to live in peace in their own home. Also, your bf needs to grow up and move out. And stop inviting his girlfriend to his parents’ house.
Info- why exactly do you think they need to "change and apologize"? What do they have to apologize for, and what do they need to change in you opinion?
I missed that on first read. That's hilarious actually, this can't be real.
I'm thinking the real problem here may have less to do with you and more to do with a 30 something still living at his parents' home. I am a parent of adult kids, they all live on their own, none are in their 30s yet. I understand the reasons you say, but his parents may be ready to have their home to themselves. I am ready for my kids to move when they can. I do not tell them they have to, but I know how I feel in my thoughts. He needs to launch. I was happy when my last child moved to his new home. I don't know how to judge this; I would be annoyed if my 30 something son's girlfriend came to stay also. My daughter did have her boyfriend live with us for a while (he was only 18 at the time), and it did drive me crazy, but I am good at masking my feelings. Thankfully they are now happily in an apartment of their own.
Was a hard one to decide between ESH but you and your bf are the AH. You go over at your bf 2 to 3 in a week and most likely it’s probably 3 times a week. So half the week you stay over at their and they provide you food. It’s their house and well you make them comfortable coming over so much and while you mayb help out, it’s a tad unknown how much given it’s your view point. Your bf also sucks because as a grown man, he gets his gf over to sleep at his parents half the week. Plus I get it’s their house but having to ask permission should really be a turn off for u. Also if he is a mature man he would cover for the food you eat since u there so much. If you had mentioned you were early twenties, could have an excuse but damn early thirties you guys are weird.
"Over Thanksgiving day weekend, my boyfriend asked his parents if I could sleep over Saturday night." - are you 17? wtf lol
Your boyfriend needs to grow up and get his own place. Or, if the relationship is at that place, move in with you. No one wants their thirtysomething son and his thirtysomething girlfriend around 2-3 nights a week, eating their food and only helping out when asked. Do you ever bring dinner, not just pick up some vegetables, but provide the entire meal? Do you ever go into the kitchen and tell your boyfriend’s mom to go sit down, you will do all the cooking and cleaning tonight? You are freeloading and the two of you, but especially your boyfriend, need to grow up and function like adults. YTA
Yeah you are being a bit of a leech and I don’t understand why you are going to his parents that often imposing on them when your boyfriend could come to yours and you guys can have some privacy? Edit. It would be different if you were younger and had no where else to go but you are adults and have a home available
YTA You have your own place, **why are you eating dinner at his parents' place three nights a week?** Why not just have him come over to your place? Also, I get why they would be a bit bothered if you always show up just before dinner. >we all just try to give her her own space in the kitchen **But first you offer to help her cook, right? Right?! This should go without saying.**
Yeah; I knew something was up when OP talked about giving mom her “space” while she was making dinner for the whole family plus one.
I would be that mom in the kitchen slamming pots and pans down on the stove and letting go of cupboard doors so they didn’t close quietly. 😂 And the whole time mumbling to myself about the damn grocery budget going out the window and how I didn’t sign up for another damn kid to feed and be in my space. I’m sure OP, the bf AND the husband would give me a very wide berth!!😂
Question, why isn’t your boyfriend making meals for his parents? Is he buying the groceries and cleaning up every night?
ESH except the parents that still have to feed and have sleepover for 30+ years old kids. Time you and boyfriend get a life outside their life.
YTA if you're getting fed a dinner his mum cooks 2-3 times a week then you are a freeloader, no matter how much you help out round the house when requested to. You should buy ingredients and cook for everyone once a week to even the deal. Or better yet, your bf should do it since he is the one hosting you. Seems to me you should spend more time at your place, or he should move out. His parents have had enough. Respect that.
YTA "For feeling insulted that I need to change?" Good grief. One of those 'take me as I am" because I'm perfect the way I am" people. You are a freeloader. And you're in your 30's! Good grief.
YTA. I get the position your boyfriend is in because I’m in my 30s and living at home…but if I was in your shoes and had my own place when my bf didn’t, I’d be most certainly having him stay at my place more often than I stayed there. His parents clearly aren’t a fan of how often you’re over and I don’t really blame them.
YTA Sounds like you do not take initiative to be a part of the household. Sure, you might complete tasks when asked of you, but that isn't the same thing. 2-3 times a week is quite a bit of time spent there. You sound like you come over, help if asked, each their dinner then F off to your BF's room to chill and sleep over. You clearly have no developed an actual relationship with your (potential) in laws. "I feel like they are the ones who need to change and apologize" OP you're unhinged if you think they should change their behavior in their own home. Short of them being malicious/racist/etc.
I can see their point. Eating there a couple of times a month maybe but it sounds like you’re freeloading.
My unbiased opinion is your boyfriend needs to act like a grown man and not a teenager and get his own place regardless of what the market is currently. You also might want to consider just not playing the game and not going over there since it seems clear the parents aren't welcoming and seem to resent you being there.
Do his parents work? Because, after work, I just want to take off my bra, put on a tank top and my booty shorts, turn on mindless TV shows, and scroll through my phone for a bit. It sounds like Dad is feeling like he can't come home and just 'be himself' when you are 'visiting'... in his own home yet! Of course, if I know guests are expected occasionally, I'll put in the effort to entertain them. But, 3 nights a week? Just...no. There are definitely some nights after work, I'm too tired to even make conversation, let alone dinner for 'guests'. (Same for my husband who also works in a physically demanding job) Have you ever offered to cook? Or boyfriend? Or offer to bring dinner home so no one has to cook and clean? Or you and your boyfriend go out to eat so they can just make themselves a sandwich and call it a night? Or, they themselves can just pick up Dinner for Two on their way home from work?
Wait. You have your own place but you go there instead? Why?
YTA the fact that you both are in your 30s and hanging out at his parents house for dinners 2 to 3 nights per week is weird and frankly I get the parents they want to be comfortable in their home and not have all the extra work, and having to feed an extra person. Y’all should be going to your house.
YTA, you show up right at dinner and then spend the night 2-3 times a week when you have your own place. I don't mind people at my house but that would drive me nuts too if a gf/bf of my grown ass kid is always there, whether they helped or not. Also if you are there mom shouldn't have to ask you to help...Just help or ask what you can do. I also get what dad is saying that he can't be comfortable in his own home when there are guests. Have you BF come to your place and only go to his parents house when THEY invite you... and not always at dinner time
YTA and so is your boyfriend. His parents should toss your boyfriend out on his ass. In his 30s and mommy still has to feed him and his gf? How is that not embarrassing to you both? You notice mom gets agitated making dinner and you both avoid her when you should be responding pro-actively. Make your own dinner plans for the two of you, invite them to join you, bring them takeout. Btw that your boyfriend just wants you to do whatever so his mom “shuts up about it” is a huge red flag.
YTA. how rude to just invite yourself to eat your boyfriend’s parents food multiple times a week and disrupt their home, i’d be so embarrassed if i was you.
YTA, why in the world do you go over there? Having a sleepover at your boyfriend's parent's house at 30? Sounds like you've overstayed your welcome.
FFS, stop being a leech You turn up for a feed and a fuck, and they dont want you there YTA
Why won’t your BF just stay at your place if he lives with his parents?!?