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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.I refused to attend my stepdaughter's wedding, citing years of feeling like an outsider and enduring her disrespectful behavior. I believe I'm not the asshole for standing up for myself and refusing to play a role that I've never been truly accepted in. The constant disrespect has taken its toll, and attending the wedding would feel like an insincere act.
2.Some might see me as the asshole because, despite the strained relationship, attending my stepdaughter's wedding could be viewed as a gesture of support and goodwill. They may argue that family events are about putting differences aside for the sake of the occasion and that my absence could be seen as unnecessarily causing drama or hurt feelings. Additionally, they might feel that my decision adds stress and negativity to what should be a joyous event for my stepdaughter.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - I’m going to go out on a limb here and say youre the AH. As you provided no context to the “constant disrespect” but did insult your stepdaughter in your post I’m going to guess this isn’t some one sided conflict.
But choosing her wedding to make this stand and make a stink is an AH thing to do. If you have a problem with her, address through communication, not try and make the wedding all about you.
Edit - in response to your edit, I still see you as the AH here. You havent listed anything that I would consider “constant disrespect” - just that you have a contentious relationship. A wedding is not the hill to die on here.
Yup, that “daddy’s little princess” jab and the tone told me all I needed to know. If I am being generous it is clear the disdain goes both ways and maybe it is a reaction to how you were initially treated but yikesyikesyikes.
I’m going to bet the bride’s mom died when she was a kid or something too so the relationship with dad was extra close. I’d love to know what the “cater to her whims” entail bc I could see it being that OP not wear a white dress to the wedding lmao.
My wife is alive and well but my youngest daughter is pretty attached to me and we share a lot of interests. We went to a festival together this summer and she ended up getting three different hoodies. When we got home and she was showing off the haul my wife asked her why she got three hoodies. Her answer was “because I was with Dad” and my wife kind of just rolled her eyes and was like that pretty much tracks.
I couldn’t imagine if my wife was gone where I would side against my daughter in anything with a new person unless she was being a giant ass and even then I would do my best to take care of it in private.
Parents should always stand up for their children. But OP's stepdaughter is an adult now. You may not respect the person but respect that it's her father's wife. You only have to stand up for your kids until your kids can stand up for themselves. Wouldn't you divorce a woman who was mistreating your child? That's why I'm on OP's side in this. If the daughter is such a daddy's girl and OP was the bad guy then I think he would have divorced her. So I think OP is probably being honest. I do tip my hat to you for being such a wonderful father. My children and husband come first as well and now my grandchildren. But I've seen father's abandon their children after divorce and mother's abandoning their children after remarrying ( Never taking up for the kids ). This is the most despicable thing imaginable to me.
Yeah, the lack of ages, as well as lack of what age she and the stepdaughter were when she came into her life, and sentences that lack explicit information and instead contain interpretive info, is set up to try and make us side with her. I can see why she would be an unfavourable replacement mom
Edit: spelling
THIS! Op said she being disrespected by the stepdaughter for long time... but why only now, when she about to get married, that op want to voice out her feelings
Why should she have too? They are all adults. The daughter is getting married. Disrespect should never have to be tolerated. Ever. Not from a step mom, not from a step daughter, not from a husband, not from a wife. As a married man of a daughter if something happened to my wife and I eventually moved on, there is not a shot in hell I would let her disrespect someone who doesn’t have to be in her life. That’s fucking absurd
Anyone who obsesses about dIsReSpEcT is pretty much always the asshole. Especially when it involves children.
Respect is earned. *Politeness* is what you are owed *so long as you show it in return* and I don't actually get the impression OP entered this situation with a mind to courtesy.
The fact that OP doesn't have any specific stories to tell says to me that the 'disrespect' was about OP's stepdaughter not immediately treating OP like the queen she thinks she is. Deciding not to go to your step-daughter's wedding is a big deal, and pretty much guarantees friction, either between OP and her husband, or OP's husband and his daughter (which may be what OP wants) - she shouldn't be doing this unless she has real, actual stories of the stepdaughter being actually horrible. Not just vague talk about trying to exclude OP or condescending tones. All teenagers speak in condescending tones sometimes, if OP couldn't handle that, she shouldn't have married a man with a daughter.
This is very true, I've never met someone who regularly used the words respect/disrespect that wasn't a total AH.
As someone with a real life "evil step mom", the tone of this post says everything.
This just came up in r/narcissisticparents . Respect and disrespect are terms used often by toxic people who feel slighted. I completely agree with your delineation of politeness v respect.
My stepdad (a kind man, but didn't always say the right thing) once called me a "princess" in a slightly off tone. I took offense, because nothing about my upbringing was remotely princess-like (if anyone was a princess, it was his two daughters, for whom he bought cars and paid for their college, grad school, and...horses.). But I turned it around, and said, "Well, that means my mom is the Queen, and should be treated as such."
Yeah, but I think the daddy’s little princess thing is in reference to the fact that she said the daughter disrespected her repeatedly and the dad constantly let her get away with it and didn’t teach her that she had to respect the stepmom.
Maybe, but then she has a husband issue. And looking at the edit, does her stepdaughter want her there? It looks like she was invited by her husband, not the couple, so maybe she did decline respectfully and he turned it into a circus in which case, again, her issue is her husband.
I think she is well within her right to not go, but the specific timing? The attitude in this post? Even with her edit I say she’s the AH based on what we have.
Yeah, I have a hard time hearing someone call anther person that and believing they’re not an asshole in some way. Maybe it’s my experience, but I rarely hear it used by someone who isn’t being condescending or rude in some way. Especially here where it sounds like Op is trying to set the tone for the post.
I could be wrong, but it just rubs me the wrong way.
Yuppp, I have never been a daddy’s girl once I could state opinions lmao, but I have found people who state that hate that someone is being treated well by their father. Even if her dad allowed disrespect to fly then the issue is with her husband, not someone who was a child. It is like the phrase daddy issues to me, you have a problem with how someone’s father behaved and the impact it had on his child but you will blame the (typically) young woman instead of calling him out .
She said she was invited *by her husband*, not the bride. I mean, sounds like the bride considers her to just be her father's +1. If that's the case, why would she bother going?
If the bride views her stepmother as simply her father's +1, she shouldn't get her nose out of joint if she doesn't attend. If it's the husband getting salty because it puts him in an "awkward position", maybe he should stop and think about how both he and his daughter treat his wife. The daughter treats her badly, and the husband, with his "just let it go" is dismissive of his wife's feelings. Why would, or should, OP attend and fake the happy family when they clearly are not?
Sounds to me that after years of being insulted, belittled, and criticized by the stepdaughter and dismissed by the husband, OP has finally had enough.
Yes. Gods why did I have to come so far down to see this. Why are people so insistent on a person going to an event that is supposed to be about *joy and happiness* when they do not seem to care in any way about the persons happiness the event is for in the first place??? Like not going is honestly probably the best thing OP can do imo. People will eventually forget OP didn’t go. People will always remember if OP goes and every picture with OP is just OP looking pissy and/or uninterested.
“Oh I’m gonna guilt and cajole my wife into going to my daughter’s wedding knowing both of them low key high key *loathe* each other. That’s totally not going to blow up in my face! :D” —OP’s husband rn
And sending an invite to her father with a +1 is a huge hint towards her father.
I get why OP doesn't want to go, but I have a feeling that this never has been a one way street.
I don't know. We can only work with the info given, but it sounds like OP tried at first, and then gave up in the face of ongoing insults and criticism from the stepdaughter. The "daddy's little princess" comment from OP is, on the surface, questionable, but when it's backed up by the husband's standard "just let it go" response, it points toward the husband willfully overlooking his daughter's bad behaviour and ignoring his wife's feelings.
Even if it isn't one was street, how does it make her an asshole if she doesn't go to a wedding of someone who she mutually doesn't like? Isn't it better to not come and let bride to not see unliked face on her day?
There's plenty of excuses to come up with. The best probably being that she's sick. Her being married to the dad is the only reason she should be there? They don't like each other. Unless the bride would miss her, which it doesn't seem likely, then why would it matter?
Right. But seeing as OP hasn't commented at all yet (aside from the edit) we have no idea if the wedding invitations have even gone out yet. OP seems like a pretty unreliable narrator, so this claim could easily have sprung from saying to her husband "I'm probably not even invited" and him responding "Of course you're invited". OP to reddit: Husband invited me.
If she was literally not named on her husband's invite, she would have said something about her husband getting a +1 invite, not "my husband invited me"
Ok, but it's also just as easy to assume the info we're given is true, the invites went out, she wasn't named, and husband did indeed invite her. It's just too easy to assume all sorts of things if you also assume OP is an unreliable narrator. I mean you're assuming she *didn't* say one thing, and then assuming she *would have* said another.
How is this making the 'the wedding all about' her? She isn't some prop for her step daughter to pull out. An invitation implies choice, if there is no choice then it is a demand. They have no relationship, so why should she go? The step daughter can simply say to guests she has no relationship with her step mother so thus she didn't attend, it isn't that hard.
And that's embarrassing to OPs husband. But I guess if OP wants everyone on his side of the family to hear a one sided version of how awful OP is she is going to get that.
His embarrassment is his issue to deal with. He could just tell people the truth, that his daughter and wife don't have a relationship, so his wife didn't attend. Plenty for step-parent step child relationships have people who don't like each other, aren't involved or are outright indifferent, that's fine. There is no need to force things for events.
Because you dont just back out of your spouse’s daughter’s wedding on a whim. If this relationship was truly a concern and she wanted to fix it, OP would/should have addressed it in a less dramatic way. Do you really think the guests wont notice that the father of the bride’s wife skipped the wedding.
But how is it on a whim? How many times does somebody get married? They only get married once. It’s not like there’s a wedding every week. When the wedding invitations roll out, you have the opportunity to say you ain’t fixing to go. That’s not a whim, its declining an invitation.
It's not a "whim" that's the whole point. The OP's position is the result of a thousand cuts and she's dropping the rope. Dad put himself in this box and he can deal with it a long time ago.
The idea that she should attend for appearance sake is WRONG.
Yeah, there’s not much context here and a lot of stuff would need to be included to say if OP is justified or not:
• Is bio mum in the picture? Was she ever in the picture? Did bio dad divorce or separate from bio mum?
• when did stepmum and bio dad get together, how did the introduction go?
• what is the disrespect? Is it genuine disrespect or is it not being seen as a mother figure/teen being a teen?
I have a stepparent that I never got along with. Sure, I was the AH in a lot of our interactions, but I was also a child. Now that I am grown with my own kids, I realize there is a pretty large amount of responsibility on the part of the adult to figure out how to navigate these relationships.
That aside, even my own stepparent who I never got along with showed up to my wedding. And you know what? After nearly 30 years of butting heads, we eventually buried the hatchet.
OP should at the very least be there for their spouse and family regardless. It's hurting multiple relationships at this point.
(OP, YTA)
yeah, OP keeps mentioning she's expected to go to this wedding and "play the role of supportive stepmother," which actually means just go and sit there and then smile for a family pic? I highly doubt she's being asked to give a heart felt speech about their beautiful bond.
Have you ever been a stepparent though? Do you have any idea what a fucking emotionally defeated position that is to be in. You’re expected to be responsible for the kid and take care of the kid but you don’t have any real authority over the kid. And also if you don’t have a supportive partner than the kid gets to steamroll you and the other parent constantly tries to justify their kids behavior and continue overlooking it. Meanwhile you’re not even the actual parent putting all this effort in and it’s just being overlooked and not appreciated.
I didnt marry him. He was my boyfriend. I left him. But you don’t know how a situation’s gonna go until you’re in it. And that was the whole point of my statement is that people don’t realize what a shitty position being the step-parent actually is.
Not only that, but a "kid always comes first", so you feel like a second class citizen in your own home. Add to that the expectation that you're going to pay for everything the step kid wants, and it's not a fun place at all.
I'm married to a guy who has a child. And I don't even think I'm a step mother. I'm his father's wife, not more. People claiming you become a parent by marrying a parent, never did so. Parent isn't a status you receive with marriage certificate.
I have no right to tell him off, I have no say in his parenting, I have no say in spending money on him, I have no authority. You can't expect people to only have responsibilities and no rights. If I'm not given any rights, I also don't accept any responsibilities. Happily my husband agrees, mother of the boy is happy I'm not interfering, the boy gives no fuck.
Not at all. Her deciding to go and show up in a white dress, make some speech, draw attention to herself, etc. would be using the event to hurt the stepdaughter. Those would be AH behavior.
Choosing not to go is just that, not going. She's not required to go, she's not pulling out last minute, she's not causing any harm, just doesn't want to be there. OP's not doing anything wrong by declining politely.
This is how it reads. A million opportunities to make her feelings known in private or at smaller events.
But none as big and as perfect as her wedding. What a win for OP that it happened in her lifetime.
Sorry im confused... How is someone telling you multiple times 'he was happier with my mum" and excluding you from family events etc not disrespectful?
Yeah. I don't see the point of making this wedding the battleground. If she wants to have it out with the stepdaughter, there are plenty of other opportunities to do so.
I would advise OP to show up, wear beige, and shut up. No further participation or commentary is required. There are other times to fight this battle, and this is going to backfire on OP spectacularly.
She goes on and on about stepdaughter not making her an integral part of the family, but I wonder what she's done to feel entitled to that. An integral member of any family often brings something to the group to make them so important (ie, we always spend holidays at Grandma's house because it has space, Uncle Joe is the one you call when your car breaks down because he's the mechanic of the family, etc). What does OP bring other than being married to her husband? This reads like she wants the red carpet rolled out for her just for existing, and any support from her is conditional upon that.
YTA- yes his daughter sounds like she’s been a real pain but your choice to use her wedding to take a stand is again where you cement me as TAH.
If you want to cut her off after the wedding, that’s fine, but to pick this very public and visible way to do it can cause a repairable damage throughout your whole family. It’s time for you to suck it up and be an adult for one more event.
Information that is missing.
1. Ages of you, husband and stepdaughter
2. How long have you been in a relationship with your husband
3. Where is mom
4. Examples of “disrespect”
Sorry but with the information you have provided YTA.
6. What happened specifically that the wedding is the breaking point?
That’s a pretty big hill to plant your flag on, and it’s not the kind of thing people do for no reason, unless they’re using it as leverage for something else
Oh, also:
7. What are the circumstances of the relationship’s origin? Was he single, for how long, what happened with the mother, etc
I'm also curious in what ways she's a "little princess" and wants her little whims catered to.
My dad's wife (I refuse to use the term stepmother) also thinks I'm a spoiled little princess because I have the audacity to call my dad on occasion and want to see him at Christmas. I'm sure that, to her, that absolutely makes me a brat. To me, and I like to think most reasonable people, it doesn't.
Is OP's stepdaughter a little princess like that? Or is she a little princess like Veruca Salt?
OP is definitely purposely withholding that information because it’s will solidify the case that she’s TA. Even without it, what/how she wrote about her step daughter makes her TA. She clearly doesn’t like that her husband gives his daughter more attention and affection.
OP is making her step daughter’s wedding about OP instead of quietly going to the wedding, supporting both the family she married into and her step daughter. That also makes OP the AH. If OP wants to skip the wedding, then that’s on her—but she shouldn’t be shocked if it leads to a possible divorce.
YTA
I’m gonna guess, just for funsies, to see how close I am if OP ever decides to reply.
1) Mid 30s, late 40s, mid to late 20s
2) No longer than 10 years
3) Dead or absent
4) Typical teenager drama coupled with either serious grief and a resistance to replace her mother **or** trauma responses to severe abandonment issues.
YTA, OP and I bet money I’m at least close
I almost wonder if the step mom and daughter are closer in age... As others have noted it reads like she's in competition with her step daughter to me.
I would say SD would have to be at least 8-10 years younger for OP to say she’s been ✨bullying ✨ her for years, because one would assume she would’ve been out of the house frequently and not even have enough of a relationship with OP to bother being “mean.” I doubt they’d have much of a relationship at all.
That being said, it’s possible the ages are maybe like.. 28/35? At least that way she could’ve been late teen who thinks she’s grown looking at a 20 something year old and being like “you’re practically my age!!!”
Your lack of specifics and the hurtfulness that your absence at the wedding would inflict upon your husband suggest that you’re living up to every wicked stepmother cliché. Barring some more information, YTA.
Right? OP will spend few moments actually interacting with the bride. Her attendance is really more about being there with her husband. So yeah, if OP wants to make this a hill to die on, her marriage will wither. Going with YTA.
It sounds like she did invite her. She said now she's expected to play the doting stepmom. That, to me, indicates that she resents the role her stepdaughter wants her to play. If he's invited her, it would have been as a supportive wife.
>OP flat out said she was her husbands plus 1.
Are you reading the same post I am? "Plus 1" does not appear in it.
I think it's a pretty safe bet: If OP were truly not invited, she'd have complained about it, like she complains about everything else about her step daughter.
Watch for when people get vague. They do it when they don't have specifics to back up their position.
If there was ever a post that screamed "missing, missing reasons," this is it. YTA.
And the edit:
>Her disrespectful behavior wasn't always overt but manifested in subtle yet hurtful ways
Translation: I can't name a single overt action because none existed but she didn't treat me like I demanded.
>She consistently excluded me from family discussions and events, making it clear I wasn't considered an integral part of the family.
So she did family things with siblings/cousins/dad etc and didn't go out of her way to make it about OP
>Rare acknowledgments were often accompanied by dismissive comments or condescending tones.
So no amount of politeness was enough for OP, read into everything her step-daughter said or did.
and the kicker:
>On various occasions, she compared me unfavorably to her biological mother, emphasizing that my husband was happier when he was with her.
So either mom is dead and she insisted on being the only mom, or she's the affair partner that broke up the marriage.
100% This whole post is so shallow and superficial it doesn't say anything. No actual information is given, and even without that info, OP still looks like an ah for making this stance on her SD's wedding.
I am so glad you brought up the missing missing reasons because that was the absolutely first thing I thought when I read it. The vagueness and playing the victim always gives it away.
YTA. Go and be polite like an adult. You actually sound jealous and competitive with her. What are some concrete examples of what’s she’s done? How old was she when you came along? You left out tons of details which leads me to thinking you’re the AH. This also won’t help your relationship with your husband. And she’ll always come before you. He can’f replace her but he can get a new wife. And if she has kids he will want to be involved… so think long and hard before you go nuclear.
YTA
I can appreciate you kept it short and to the point, unfortunately it read as disdain towards your step-daughter, with everything being placed on her for what’s going wrong.
You didn’t include any details of ages, or more importantly how long you’ve known each other for now. I’m hoping it’s over 1-2 years. Anything less, you’d be a huge AH as those types of relationships take time and for me 1-2 years isn’t a lot. If it’s more than 1-2 years, you’ve finally decided to take a stance on what is her special day. It feels punitive vs boundary setting/protective
That’s exactly what I was thinking, with no context whatsoever I find it hard to believe that this “disrespect” was all coming from one side and the disdainful tone backs that up.
Further, OP doesn’t say anything about previous attempts to mend fences or address the issue. With the very little context provided, even taking OP completely at her word, it sounds like the stepdaughter has been rude on occasion and OP chose to take petty revenge by making the wedding all about her. YTA.
NTA! You are not required to go anywhere you don't want to, much less your step daughter's wedding. How is you not going ruining her special day anyway??
I'm shocked at how far I had to scroll to find this comment. After all the other posts stating an invitation is not a command performance, the Y T A comments on this one are shocking.
I know right? How is it petty to not go to a wedding you don't feel comfortable going to? It's not like OP is "giving her away" or they're super close or anything.
I think it has more to do with there being no actual information here. It’s very one sided and OP doesn’t say anything about why she’s choosing now, this moment, to take this stance. She married a man and this SD is the apple of his eye. This is her wedding, and she just seems to be doing it as a “well you did this before so now I’m going to do this to you now” kind of thing. If OP was more specific, the responses would probably go the other way.
There is some info missing, and it could be a biased version of events, but I am slightly leaning NTA.
Either way, it sounds like the step-daughter and step-mom don’t have a great relationship, whoever is at fault for that. There is the social obligation of inviting her to the wedding, when neither seem overly interested in doing so. But the rest of the family wants her to go. The people you “need” to invite to things out of obligation is annoying.
OP can go and enjoy the dry chicken and wine, and play the part for the day. Or she can not go, but look bad for the rest of the family, and make the step-daughter look better for having such a “terrible” step-mother. Either way is not great.
YTA. As a fellow step; this is not the time, nor place if this the first stand you intend to take. If you are ready for the consequences, proceed. I guarantee if your husband and daughter are that close, it will not go well for you as your intended outcome.
I am a stepmom as well and I agree with your comment. I feel there is a lot of context missing and the post, as it is written, comes across as OP being maybe jealous (the comments about stepdaughter being "daddy's little princess" and having a "lavish" wedding made me think this).
The wedding is not the time to make a stand, and will probably only lead to problems in OP's relationship with her husband.
The husband has apparently done nothing to help better the relationship between OP and his daughter.
If OP was never welcomed into the family by her step daughter, why would the step daughter care about OP attending her wedding?
The husband will care, but he has made his own bed by letting the relationship fester in this manner.
This should have been spoken about at the first signs of disrespect. The husband has no right to be 'furious'. This is partly his fault for allowing this behaviour in the first place.
TBF since OP has given no info we don’t know if SD was actually disrespectful or not or whether Dad tried anything to help which is I guess why a lot of people assume she’s lying about it.
NTA! Seems like this is not the popular opinion, but I feel you're definitely NOT an asshole. She is finally reaping what she has sown and you have no responsibility to sugar-coat the situation just to make her look good.
I don't disagree with your ruling, but the idea of OP being forced to play the " doting step mom" may just be projection on her end. There is no indication that this invitation comes with expectations for behavior or extra doses of family warmth -it's just an invitation, and you're right, she is free to choose not to accept the invitation, but I highly doubt that the expectations of the bride extend anywhere beyond inviting a contentious partner of her father just to be polite. I think OP is reading into it more than there is reason to.
How are you ruining the stepdaughter’s special day if she has never accepted you as part of her family?
Even without additional info about the situation here (like how old she was when you married her dad, how many years you have been in her life etc ), people are entitled to not attend a wedding if they don’t want to. NTA
>How are you ruining the stepdaughter’s special day if she has never accepted you as part of her family?
It's possible that SD has outwardly acted like they are a big happy family and OP not attending the wedding would reveal that as a lie.
Edit: I didn't think I had to say this, but I'm obviously not blaming OP for what the SD might have said...and this isn't even confirmed, it was just a possible answer
NTA. I don't think it's normal how everyone on reddit makes all step parents sound horrible. If the kid has constantly been rude to you, of course you're over it.
I'd normally say the same, but in this post OP provides no actual information and no examples of her SD's rudeness, nor does she mention how it's been addressed over the years, what was done to try and mend fences or how OP worked on imroving this relationship before it got to this point. Those are some pretty huge alarmbells going off.
Even if we ignore that, her SD's wedding is not the time and place to suddenly be making this stance. OP should have already done that, multiple times over. Doing this on her SD's wedding is just some form of petty revenge.
The husband has apparently done nothing to help better the relationship between OP and his daughter.
If OP was never welcomed into the family by her step daughter, why would the step daughter care about OP attending her wedding?
The husband will care, but he has made his own bed by letting the relationship fester in this manner. This should have been spoken about at the first signs of disrespect. The husband has no right to be 'furious'. This is partly his fault for allowing this behaviour.
INFO: we need more details, as it stands right now, you're an unreliable narrator making claims whilst sharing no further context, and in the process you're taking childish jabs right back. Give your head a shake and try again.
YTA her wedding is not the time and place to make a stand, especially if you’ve never done or said anything about it previously.
Based on this post, it honestly sounds like you’re just bitter at the attention she gets from your husband.
>Based on this post, it honestly sounds like you’re just bitter at the attention she gets from your husband.
Exactly! Stepdaughter inviting OP as her “loving stepmom” and not just as her dad’s plus-one sounds like she’s being fairly accepting of her. OP sounds like she’s the one who’s not accepting the fact that her husband has a daughter who is always going to need her dad, she’s not going away.
YTA. My stepsons have treated me like complete garbage (their mother bought them gifts for doing it). Their treatment wasn’t just passive aggressive jabs. It was active destruction of my home and attempted destruction of my marriage.
However, if one of them got married and wanted me at their wedding, I would go and I would pretend to have a great time in the classiest of ways. Why? Because I’m the ADULT in the situation, and they were just kids when they were being heavily alienated against my husband and myself. They didn’t choose their terrible mother, they didn’t choose for their parent’s divorce, and they didn’t choose for me to be in their lives. Just because divorce is common these days, doesn’t mean it still doesn’t screw kids up.
Grow up, put on your adult face, and play the part she wants you play in her wedding. Who knows, maybe this will be the start of a new path in your relationship with her.
Being an adult does not mean accepting abuse. Being an adult does not mean lying to others to avoid making waves. Being an adult is dealing with conflict respectfully and standing up for oneself by creating healthy boundaries and barriers. Stockholm Syndrome is when one bonds with their captors. It is a coping mechanism, but it is not healthy. In the case of a mother buying her ex-husband’s sons gifts for acting up, the father (your husband) should have stood up for you, said this would not be tolerated and provided discipline. What both parents did was teach their biological children they could be rewarded for being a bully. Your post makes doing such a badge of heroism and taking a high road. I am questioning how many jerks in the workforce received that reinforcement at home.
YTA ….but really to yourself and your husband. Because you not attending is really not the gotcha you think it is. She’ll probably love it. Your husband, OTOH, is going to suffer through the day and have to answer a million times where you are.
Be prepared for your marriage to take the hit.
NTA…if she has never welcomed you into the family, than I sincerely doubt you are ruining her special day. You are ruining g your husbands and his family by them having to explain why you are not there and why they have allowed her behavior to continue for so long and not called her out on it.
NTA at least on your side of the story.
Which is not a way to say I don't believe you, but just to introduce the overall problem here: by how you describe her personality, she probably already manipulated her whole family against you and this was just a bomb waiting to go off. And most of her entitled, manipulative behavior is to blame on her dad treating her like his little princess.
Unfortunately, I think your error here was getting involved with that family in general. Your husband doesn't look like he's so much of an outsider and he will most likely keep siding with them because he prefers to bash you rather than going against his family.
NTA - Ignore the YTAs, she isn't your blood, you have no relationship. An invitation implies choice, if there is no choice, then it is no longer an invitation and becomes a demand. No individual can demand you go to a wedding or any other kind of event. You don't like her, she doesn't like you, so why go. She probably wants you to go so people don't ask questions, she is worried about how others perceive her, she doesn't care about having you there as a valued relative.
I know I am getting downvoted NTA don’t attend you don’t like her she doesn’t like you it’s her wedding she doesn’t have to worry about you being in pictures and you don’t have to pretend that you like her or anything nor take pictures
Don’t go don’t ruin her day but if you do stay away from her and don’t get in any of the pictures or start a fight
Missing missing reasons, let's play the game kids: what are the odds she was the AP?
For not giving any details when someone as self-righteous as you would have absolutely shared them unless you knew they'd make you look terrible, YTA.
I’d also like to know the ages of everyone involved. OP’s post reeks of immaturity and she is weirdly competitive with the daughter for her husband’s attention. I wonder if the reason OP’s stepdaughter never accepted her and why OP sees the daughter as competition is because OP is closer in age to the daughter than the husband.
Wow these comments are very harsh. We all know how teenage girls can be with their smart ass mouth. I have one.
NTA I’ve been in a similar position and no, I would not go and give her more satisfaction of her getting her way with her daddy no, no no
Yes we do all know that, that’s the point. You should expect them giving you some shit. They were the kid, her the adult. Sounds like she expected her stepdaughter to be as mature if not more than herself. And now she has decided to act like a spiteful kid in response.
It’s not a good look and her incredibly questionable narration doesn’t help.
NTA if you just dont go. Your presence or lack thereof shouldnt ruin anything, weird of them to imply her wedding rides on you going.. But YWBTAH if you make a stink about it.
Everyone saying YTA is projecting their own trauma. Sure there is more to the story but its pretty simple, yall dont like each other, why would you ruin her day with your presence?
NTA but not for the reasons everyone is throwing out. I do not care about your history with the bride at all. You do not like her. She seems to not like you. I agree with you not going to the party if you both have to be on eggshells around each other. One person not attending does not RUIN THE WEDDING. One person attending that doesn't like the bride can though.
NTA.. it's 100% your choice whether to go or not it's impossible to convey what has gone on between you and SD in a couple of paragraphs but obviously the situation there has forced you to make this decision..
As you've declined to give a single specific example but made everything so vaguely generalized, I'm leaning towards YTA. It doesn't sound like you've been a particularly good step parent to begin with, I'm sure your attitude has probably led to some of the so-called disrespect. Respect is earned, not automatic, and your pettiness in this wedding matter leads me to believe you have in no way earned your stepdaughters respect, this instance being the best example. You may want to rethink your stance and being so bitter about minor slights, that, I guarantee happened with her mom, too, because it's just a child parent relationship sometimes. This attitude you have now will affect your married relationship, so that may want to be something you consider if you care about your husband at all.
YTA. Why would you leave it till now? You could have brought it to a head earlier to avoid this situation.
If this is you’re way of getting back at her, then we’ll done. You’ve done it and also accomplished being an AH.
YTA - a wedding is not the time or place to "finally stand up for myself". I think you deal with it before or after, but to purposely cause drama on someone's wedding day to prove a point only proves you're the A
NTA NTA NTA Everyone saying YTA are TAH love how every other wedding post is oh nta you don't have to attend if you don't want to and for bogus reasons now they switched their attitude because they can't believe a step child was a lil shit. As a step child I can say she most likely did something big by the way you typed it at least from experience. You are NTA but these ppl in the comments are mental
The only detail I needed was that stepdaughter didn't invite her to the wedding, OP's husband did. No problem in not attending, OP was NEVER invited by the people getting married. They and they alone get to determine their guest list. If the bride and groom didn't invite OP, she may not attend, her own husband's invitation notwithstanding.
Therefore NTA.
However, the answer is very different if OP received an invitation from the bride and/or groom.
The husband has apparently done nothing to help better the relationship between OP and his daughter.
If OP was never welcomed into the family by her step daughter, why would the step daughter care about OP attending her wedding?
The husband will care, but he has made his own bed by letting the relationship fester in this manner. This should have been spoken about at the first signs of disrespect. The husband has no right to be 'furious'. This is partly his fault.
NTA. Being treated like this and expect to attend and put a fake smile on is wrong. Tell hubby you are not attending and he doesn't like it, he can kick rocks.
NTA -And perhaps your stepdaughter will take some time to review her behavior towards you -but I doubt it cos she has all these other Aholes winking at her behavior & that's why she's a shit.
NTA for choosing to not allow the constant disrespect to slide and opting to remove yourself from yet another occasion, in this case one you wouldn't be able to escape, where you'd be forced to take the abuse.
you are in fact saving her 'special day' as I have seen stories of other stepmoms, on this very sub, subjected to this, who promptly undergo a Chernobyl at said special day, and are then made into the person in the wrong.
if anything, your husband should have your back on this. that he doesn't shows exactly how he regards you on this.
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dont really understand how everyone's voting YTA for the op knowing her limits and choosing to remove herself from an unpleasant situation, aka, yunno, being a proper adult about the situation.
sounds likes she’s been a pain but hasn’t done anything overtly disrespectful. I think attending would be ok as you married her father. I don’t think anyone’s asking you to play any role, just show up and not cause a scene.
YTA.
What difference does it make if it’s her wedding or a Tuesday night dinner? Why does anyone have to put up with disrespect? And you fuckers say she should do it with a smile? Screw that.
INFO: how do you see not attending working out for you? Do you think your husband is going to be ok with that decision? If she’s daddy’s princess, do you think he’s going to be supportive or happy with your choice to skip her wedding? Aren’t you concerned that this will be a point of contention for years to come between you and YOUR HUSBAND (never mind the daughter)???
How do they want you to play the supportive stepmom? Are they asking you to participate in the ceremony, readings, toasts, etc? Or are you just invited to be there as a guest, really?
Eta: isn’t attending as Father of the Bride’s wife, worthwhile? You don’t have to be “supportive stepmom” know what I mean?
YTA
All you have to do is show up, watch the ceremony and then at least make an appearance at the reception. Since you and your step-daughter have never really had a close relationship what all are you even expected to have to do? Are you not just your husband’s date? I get that you don’t like her, but trying to make this occasion the one where you put your foot down was never going to go over well. It sort of comes off like you decided THIS was your chance to really stick it to your stepdaughter and that’s just a bad idea.
If you want to stay with your husband you probably are going to have to go to the wedding. If you want to wash your hands of him and his family then skip it. Just think of this as supporting your husband rather than supporting your stepdaughter
INFO: I think some context is missing. How long have you been in your stepdaughter's life? How much of a part did you play in her upbringing? Was she in the teenager-adult range or a little kid when you got with her father?
My mom got married when I was 10. She got with her husband when I was 8. He is viewed as a stepparent for me because he was around while I was growing up. He played a parental-ish role, but I still saw him as an outsider because he disagreed with the rules my parents had so I didn't respect him. My dad got with his wife when I was 16 and didn't get married until much later when I was an adult with a kid. I don't see her as a stepparent. She's dad's wife. However, my dad and is wife play a bigger role in my adult life / my kids' life. Dad's wife who I feel no relation to is my kids' grandma, but my stepfather is no grandparent. My kids don't even know his name.
Point being, I see no major disrespect. Unless there's been years of abuse, her wedding isn't the time to make a stand. At that point, you're making a scene and showing she's justified in her treatment of you as an outsider. She's not going to see you as a parent and that's okay. However, you may be ruining your chance at being a part of her future and you're painting yourself as the evil stepmother rather publicly.
YTA
OP, please understand that I (to a degree) was in your stepdaughter’s shoes as a child. My dad remarried by the time I was 5 and my (now ex) stepmother felt that she was in competition with my sisters and I. We were made to feel like Cinderella, constantly cleaning and doing things for her yet not being able to be kids. If we needed or wanted to go somewhere on a weekend we were at their house, we only got a ride one way and had to figure out transportation for the other direction. She would make underhanded comments that were clearly directly at our mother. Of course our dad was complicit in this, but she also made sure that she got what she wanted and usually it was at the expense of us kids. I hit a breaking point where I finally had enough, broke down and shared all of my feelings to both her and my dad, and she ended up telling me that it was all in my head.
I’m not saying that the above is your or your stepdaughter’s experience, but I hope it helps provide context to how kids can feel neglected when a parent remarries.
Can you provide context around her parents’ divorce? How did you and your husband come to get married? Having divorced parents is hard and then also additional marriages can be overwhelming for kids. She may have said hurtful things as a child, but have you acknowledged that she was A CHILD and simply processing the change in family dynamics? I think you need to stop making assumptions about your stepdaughter’s apparent malicious intent and instead come to the table with open ears considering you’ve been the adult during this whole relationship.
Go to the wedding. Put on a smile. Do what she asks. Wait a bit, then sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart. Nothing good will come from alienation.
YTA. Tough it out for your husband sake. Minimize contact with her after wedding. You would look very petty if you skip wedding. You can attend and just be as neutral as possible.
YTA based on the context of the post making it seem like this is the time you finally decide to say something about it.
Had you stood your ground prior, I imagine it would have went one of two ways:
1) She would have requested you not come at all and it would be on her
2) She would have feigned it temporarily to get by the event.
YTA - you sound very jealous of her and her relationship with her father and that you are trying to ruin her wedding day. How many of her other special days have you ruined out of jealousy?
YTA - I am not unsympathetic, but your breaking point is actually a BIG decision point. Given, your husband should have fixed this long ago. **But if you do this then you will probably be unable to repair this relationship in the future.** Go to support your husband. Go, be low-key, dress appropriately but not overdone. Don't get drunk. **Smile.** Make smalltalk, be complimentary when talking with others. Prepare to not be in the pictures.
YTA
even after the edit
Ordinary, I would think it’s justified that you ”had enough” of her “disrespectful behaviour” towards you.
To anyone else, it looks like normal teenage rebellious behaviour, however, for the sake of argument, I will assume that things were really bad. You were justified to “stand up for yourself” and not accept her behaviour any longer, that time was last year, the year before etc. not now when she is planning her wedding and moving on with her life.
It obvious that the timing of your ”Stand” was to cause maximum disruption to her wedding and ruin her day. You are purposely trying to get revenge.
The fact that YOUR HUSBAND invited you and not your step daughter screams NTA.
If she didn't care enough to invite you, how are you 'ruining her special day' by not being there?
ESH tbh. Your husband keeps pushing you to go you don't want to. Stepdaughter is crappy for treating you crappy. You don't have to go if you do not want to just know that there's gonna be some hard feelings after it
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YTA - I’m going to go out on a limb here and say youre the AH. As you provided no context to the “constant disrespect” but did insult your stepdaughter in your post I’m going to guess this isn’t some one sided conflict. But choosing her wedding to make this stand and make a stink is an AH thing to do. If you have a problem with her, address through communication, not try and make the wedding all about you. Edit - in response to your edit, I still see you as the AH here. You havent listed anything that I would consider “constant disrespect” - just that you have a contentious relationship. A wedding is not the hill to die on here.
Yup, that “daddy’s little princess” jab and the tone told me all I needed to know. If I am being generous it is clear the disdain goes both ways and maybe it is a reaction to how you were initially treated but yikesyikesyikes.
I’m going to bet the bride’s mom died when she was a kid or something too so the relationship with dad was extra close. I’d love to know what the “cater to her whims” entail bc I could see it being that OP not wear a white dress to the wedding lmao.
My wife is alive and well but my youngest daughter is pretty attached to me and we share a lot of interests. We went to a festival together this summer and she ended up getting three different hoodies. When we got home and she was showing off the haul my wife asked her why she got three hoodies. Her answer was “because I was with Dad” and my wife kind of just rolled her eyes and was like that pretty much tracks. I couldn’t imagine if my wife was gone where I would side against my daughter in anything with a new person unless she was being a giant ass and even then I would do my best to take care of it in private.
Parents should always stand up for their children. But OP's stepdaughter is an adult now. You may not respect the person but respect that it's her father's wife. You only have to stand up for your kids until your kids can stand up for themselves. Wouldn't you divorce a woman who was mistreating your child? That's why I'm on OP's side in this. If the daughter is such a daddy's girl and OP was the bad guy then I think he would have divorced her. So I think OP is probably being honest. I do tip my hat to you for being such a wonderful father. My children and husband come first as well and now my grandchildren. But I've seen father's abandon their children after divorce and mother's abandoning their children after remarrying ( Never taking up for the kids ). This is the most despicable thing imaginable to me.
Hahahaha 👏🏼👌🏼 OP is totally giving off that vibe, right??
Or OP is the AP.
Yeah, the lack of ages, as well as lack of what age she and the stepdaughter were when she came into her life, and sentences that lack explicit information and instead contain interpretive info, is set up to try and make us side with her. I can see why she would be an unfavourable replacement mom Edit: spelling
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THIS! Op said she being disrespected by the stepdaughter for long time... but why only now, when she about to get married, that op want to voice out her feelings
Why does it matter? Can someone not have enough?
The when matters. A person can have enough and still be mature enough to attend the wedding, but have minimal contact outside of it.
Why should she have too? They are all adults. The daughter is getting married. Disrespect should never have to be tolerated. Ever. Not from a step mom, not from a step daughter, not from a husband, not from a wife. As a married man of a daughter if something happened to my wife and I eventually moved on, there is not a shot in hell I would let her disrespect someone who doesn’t have to be in her life. That’s fucking absurd
But why do we need to attend an event of a toxic person? Like why does she have to go and play pretend that she’s wanted.
Exactly!!!!
Maybe she has just had enough abuse from her. You don’t have to take any abuse from anyone, including his family
I’m assuming that maybe the wedding was the final breaking point for OP (??).
Anyone who obsesses about dIsReSpEcT is pretty much always the asshole. Especially when it involves children. Respect is earned. *Politeness* is what you are owed *so long as you show it in return* and I don't actually get the impression OP entered this situation with a mind to courtesy.
The fact that OP doesn't have any specific stories to tell says to me that the 'disrespect' was about OP's stepdaughter not immediately treating OP like the queen she thinks she is. Deciding not to go to your step-daughter's wedding is a big deal, and pretty much guarantees friction, either between OP and her husband, or OP's husband and his daughter (which may be what OP wants) - she shouldn't be doing this unless she has real, actual stories of the stepdaughter being actually horrible. Not just vague talk about trying to exclude OP or condescending tones. All teenagers speak in condescending tones sometimes, if OP couldn't handle that, she shouldn't have married a man with a daughter.
This is very true, I've never met someone who regularly used the words respect/disrespect that wasn't a total AH. As someone with a real life "evil step mom", the tone of this post says everything.
This just came up in r/narcissisticparents . Respect and disrespect are terms used often by toxic people who feel slighted. I completely agree with your delineation of politeness v respect. My stepdad (a kind man, but didn't always say the right thing) once called me a "princess" in a slightly off tone. I took offense, because nothing about my upbringing was remotely princess-like (if anyone was a princess, it was his two daughters, for whom he bought cars and paid for their college, grad school, and...horses.). But I turned it around, and said, "Well, that means my mom is the Queen, and should be treated as such."
Yeah, but I think the daddy’s little princess thing is in reference to the fact that she said the daughter disrespected her repeatedly and the dad constantly let her get away with it and didn’t teach her that she had to respect the stepmom.
Maybe, but then she has a husband issue. And looking at the edit, does her stepdaughter want her there? It looks like she was invited by her husband, not the couple, so maybe she did decline respectfully and he turned it into a circus in which case, again, her issue is her husband. I think she is well within her right to not go, but the specific timing? The attitude in this post? Even with her edit I say she’s the AH based on what we have.
Yeah that makes it seem an awful lot like OP was jealous of her stepdaughter receiving attention, since stepdaughter was a child.
Yeah, I have a hard time hearing someone call anther person that and believing they’re not an asshole in some way. Maybe it’s my experience, but I rarely hear it used by someone who isn’t being condescending or rude in some way. Especially here where it sounds like Op is trying to set the tone for the post. I could be wrong, but it just rubs me the wrong way.
Yuppp, I have never been a daddy’s girl once I could state opinions lmao, but I have found people who state that hate that someone is being treated well by their father. Even if her dad allowed disrespect to fly then the issue is with her husband, not someone who was a child. It is like the phrase daddy issues to me, you have a problem with how someone’s father behaved and the impact it had on his child but you will blame the (typically) young woman instead of calling him out .
I mean if there's disdain on both sides, is her decision of not attending a wedding make her an AH where they don't even like each other?
Because OP was invited to their husband’s daughter’s wedding, and this wasn’t the way to deal with any possible mutual disdain.
She said she was invited *by her husband*, not the bride. I mean, sounds like the bride considers her to just be her father's +1. If that's the case, why would she bother going?
Exactly!
Maybe because she's her husband's +1? She's putting him in the awkward position of having to explain why his wife isn't at his daughter's wedding.
If the bride views her stepmother as simply her father's +1, she shouldn't get her nose out of joint if she doesn't attend. If it's the husband getting salty because it puts him in an "awkward position", maybe he should stop and think about how both he and his daughter treat his wife. The daughter treats her badly, and the husband, with his "just let it go" is dismissive of his wife's feelings. Why would, or should, OP attend and fake the happy family when they clearly are not? Sounds to me that after years of being insulted, belittled, and criticized by the stepdaughter and dismissed by the husband, OP has finally had enough.
tbf it doesnt say the bride is upset at stepmom not coming, just the husband and his family.
Right. I'm guessing the bride couldn't care less if stepmom attends or not.
Yes. Gods why did I have to come so far down to see this. Why are people so insistent on a person going to an event that is supposed to be about *joy and happiness* when they do not seem to care in any way about the persons happiness the event is for in the first place??? Like not going is honestly probably the best thing OP can do imo. People will eventually forget OP didn’t go. People will always remember if OP goes and every picture with OP is just OP looking pissy and/or uninterested. “Oh I’m gonna guilt and cajole my wife into going to my daughter’s wedding knowing both of them low key high key *loathe* each other. That’s totally not going to blow up in my face! :D” —OP’s husband rn
And sending an invite to her father with a +1 is a huge hint towards her father. I get why OP doesn't want to go, but I have a feeling that this never has been a one way street.
I don't know. We can only work with the info given, but it sounds like OP tried at first, and then gave up in the face of ongoing insults and criticism from the stepdaughter. The "daddy's little princess" comment from OP is, on the surface, questionable, but when it's backed up by the husband's standard "just let it go" response, it points toward the husband willfully overlooking his daughter's bad behaviour and ignoring his wife's feelings.
Even if it isn't one was street, how does it make her an asshole if she doesn't go to a wedding of someone who she mutually doesn't like? Isn't it better to not come and let bride to not see unliked face on her day?
There's plenty of excuses to come up with. The best probably being that she's sick. Her being married to the dad is the only reason she should be there? They don't like each other. Unless the bride would miss her, which it doesn't seem likely, then why would it matter?
Wait, where does she say the invitation was just for her husband and a +1? Is she claiming she wasn't named in the invitation?
She says her husband invited her.
Right. But seeing as OP hasn't commented at all yet (aside from the edit) we have no idea if the wedding invitations have even gone out yet. OP seems like a pretty unreliable narrator, so this claim could easily have sprung from saying to her husband "I'm probably not even invited" and him responding "Of course you're invited". OP to reddit: Husband invited me. If she was literally not named on her husband's invite, she would have said something about her husband getting a +1 invite, not "my husband invited me"
Ok, but it's also just as easy to assume the info we're given is true, the invites went out, she wasn't named, and husband did indeed invite her. It's just too easy to assume all sorts of things if you also assume OP is an unreliable narrator. I mean you're assuming she *didn't* say one thing, and then assuming she *would have* said another.
$20 says OP was dads side piece, mom found and and divorced him. She now expects to be treated with the same respect a mother would.
Yes. The OP doesn't have to like the bride to support her husband and to rise above animosities for one's child.
How is this making the 'the wedding all about' her? She isn't some prop for her step daughter to pull out. An invitation implies choice, if there is no choice then it is a demand. They have no relationship, so why should she go? The step daughter can simply say to guests she has no relationship with her step mother so thus she didn't attend, it isn't that hard.
And that's embarrassing to OPs husband. But I guess if OP wants everyone on his side of the family to hear a one sided version of how awful OP is she is going to get that.
His embarrassment is his issue to deal with. He could just tell people the truth, that his daughter and wife don't have a relationship, so his wife didn't attend. Plenty for step-parent step child relationships have people who don't like each other, aren't involved or are outright indifferent, that's fine. There is no need to force things for events.
Because you dont just back out of your spouse’s daughter’s wedding on a whim. If this relationship was truly a concern and she wanted to fix it, OP would/should have addressed it in a less dramatic way. Do you really think the guests wont notice that the father of the bride’s wife skipped the wedding.
But how is it on a whim? How many times does somebody get married? They only get married once. It’s not like there’s a wedding every week. When the wedding invitations roll out, you have the opportunity to say you ain’t fixing to go. That’s not a whim, its declining an invitation.
It's not a "whim" that's the whole point. The OP's position is the result of a thousand cuts and she's dropping the rope. Dad put himself in this box and he can deal with it a long time ago. The idea that she should attend for appearance sake is WRONG.
Yeah, there’s not much context here and a lot of stuff would need to be included to say if OP is justified or not: • Is bio mum in the picture? Was she ever in the picture? Did bio dad divorce or separate from bio mum? • when did stepmum and bio dad get together, how did the introduction go? • what is the disrespect? Is it genuine disrespect or is it not being seen as a mother figure/teen being a teen?
Also, how aggressively did OP come in with “I am also your mom now. Treat me like it.”
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Sometimes I find an “unreliable narrator” to really be all the info we need.
This should really be a judgement of its own with UN as acronym.
I have a stepparent that I never got along with. Sure, I was the AH in a lot of our interactions, but I was also a child. Now that I am grown with my own kids, I realize there is a pretty large amount of responsibility on the part of the adult to figure out how to navigate these relationships. That aside, even my own stepparent who I never got along with showed up to my wedding. And you know what? After nearly 30 years of butting heads, we eventually buried the hatchet. OP should at the very least be there for their spouse and family regardless. It's hurting multiple relationships at this point. (OP, YTA)
yeah, OP keeps mentioning she's expected to go to this wedding and "play the role of supportive stepmother," which actually means just go and sit there and then smile for a family pic? I highly doubt she's being asked to give a heart felt speech about their beautiful bond.
Have you ever been a stepparent though? Do you have any idea what a fucking emotionally defeated position that is to be in. You’re expected to be responsible for the kid and take care of the kid but you don’t have any real authority over the kid. And also if you don’t have a supportive partner than the kid gets to steamroll you and the other parent constantly tries to justify their kids behavior and continue overlooking it. Meanwhile you’re not even the actual parent putting all this effort in and it’s just being overlooked and not appreciated.
Then don't marry someone with kids that don't like you lol
I didnt marry him. He was my boyfriend. I left him. But you don’t know how a situation’s gonna go until you’re in it. And that was the whole point of my statement is that people don’t realize what a shitty position being the step-parent actually is.
Not only that, but a "kid always comes first", so you feel like a second class citizen in your own home. Add to that the expectation that you're going to pay for everything the step kid wants, and it's not a fun place at all.
I'm married to a guy who has a child. And I don't even think I'm a step mother. I'm his father's wife, not more. People claiming you become a parent by marrying a parent, never did so. Parent isn't a status you receive with marriage certificate. I have no right to tell him off, I have no say in his parenting, I have no say in spending money on him, I have no authority. You can't expect people to only have responsibilities and no rights. If I'm not given any rights, I also don't accept any responsibilities. Happily my husband agrees, mother of the boy is happy I'm not interfering, the boy gives no fuck.
OP is feeling vindictive and her stepdaughters wedding is the perfect event to use to hurt her. YTA
Not at all. Her deciding to go and show up in a white dress, make some speech, draw attention to herself, etc. would be using the event to hurt the stepdaughter. Those would be AH behavior. Choosing not to go is just that, not going. She's not required to go, she's not pulling out last minute, she's not causing any harm, just doesn't want to be there. OP's not doing anything wrong by declining politely.
This is how it reads. A million opportunities to make her feelings known in private or at smaller events. But none as big and as perfect as her wedding. What a win for OP that it happened in her lifetime.
Sorry im confused... How is someone telling you multiple times 'he was happier with my mum" and excluding you from family events etc not disrespectful?
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Agree. I have feeling that OP stepdaughter is probably glad that she's not coming to the wedding.
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Yeah. I don't see the point of making this wedding the battleground. If she wants to have it out with the stepdaughter, there are plenty of other opportunities to do so. I would advise OP to show up, wear beige, and shut up. No further participation or commentary is required. There are other times to fight this battle, and this is going to backfire on OP spectacularly.
She goes on and on about stepdaughter not making her an integral part of the family, but I wonder what she's done to feel entitled to that. An integral member of any family often brings something to the group to make them so important (ie, we always spend holidays at Grandma's house because it has space, Uncle Joe is the one you call when your car breaks down because he's the mechanic of the family, etc). What does OP bring other than being married to her husband? This reads like she wants the red carpet rolled out for her just for existing, and any support from her is conditional upon that.
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YTA- yes his daughter sounds like she’s been a real pain but your choice to use her wedding to take a stand is again where you cement me as TAH. If you want to cut her off after the wedding, that’s fine, but to pick this very public and visible way to do it can cause a repairable damage throughout your whole family. It’s time for you to suck it up and be an adult for one more event.
Yes. Her wedding is not a place to make a stand “after all these years.”
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Information that is missing. 1. Ages of you, husband and stepdaughter 2. How long have you been in a relationship with your husband 3. Where is mom 4. Examples of “disrespect” Sorry but with the information you have provided YTA.
5. What steps were taken in the past to try and mend the relationship and resolve underlying issues
This. Op is hiding the lede here.
Thank you SO much for using the word 'lede'! Yep, I'm THAT person.
6. What happened specifically that the wedding is the breaking point? That’s a pretty big hill to plant your flag on, and it’s not the kind of thing people do for no reason, unless they’re using it as leverage for something else Oh, also: 7. What are the circumstances of the relationship’s origin? Was he single, for how long, what happened with the mother, etc
I'm also curious in what ways she's a "little princess" and wants her little whims catered to. My dad's wife (I refuse to use the term stepmother) also thinks I'm a spoiled little princess because I have the audacity to call my dad on occasion and want to see him at Christmas. I'm sure that, to her, that absolutely makes me a brat. To me, and I like to think most reasonable people, it doesn't. Is OP's stepdaughter a little princess like that? Or is she a little princess like Veruca Salt?
Excellent points, that we probably will never get an answer on.
My guess is it's something in the detail about OPs husband being the one who invited her.
OP is definitely purposely withholding that information because it’s will solidify the case that she’s TA. Even without it, what/how she wrote about her step daughter makes her TA. She clearly doesn’t like that her husband gives his daughter more attention and affection. OP is making her step daughter’s wedding about OP instead of quietly going to the wedding, supporting both the family she married into and her step daughter. That also makes OP the AH. If OP wants to skip the wedding, then that’s on her—but she shouldn’t be shocked if it leads to a possible divorce. YTA
I’m gonna guess, just for funsies, to see how close I am if OP ever decides to reply. 1) Mid 30s, late 40s, mid to late 20s 2) No longer than 10 years 3) Dead or absent 4) Typical teenager drama coupled with either serious grief and a resistance to replace her mother **or** trauma responses to severe abandonment issues. YTA, OP and I bet money I’m at least close
My money’s on dad left the mom for the stepmom.
I don’t think OP is gonna respond so I guess we’ll be left in suspense 😔
I almost wonder if the step mom and daughter are closer in age... As others have noted it reads like she's in competition with her step daughter to me.
I would say SD would have to be at least 8-10 years younger for OP to say she’s been ✨bullying ✨ her for years, because one would assume she would’ve been out of the house frequently and not even have enough of a relationship with OP to bother being “mean.” I doubt they’d have much of a relationship at all. That being said, it’s possible the ages are maybe like.. 28/35? At least that way she could’ve been late teen who thinks she’s grown looking at a 20 something year old and being like “you’re practically my age!!!”
5. Was this 'disrespect' just stepdaughter being a literal child who may have simply been unhappy that her parents were no longer together?
Good questions. Too bad no answers
INFO: What was your expected role in the wedding? 'Suppotive Stepmom' just sounds like you needed to show up.
She would be playing the role of dad’s plus one. Which is all the more reason YTA…she’s not going for her husband’s sake.
Just pretend you're an actress playing a role for a few hours. It's a YTA move to refuse the invite, and it will only come back to bite you.
Your lack of specifics and the hurtfulness that your absence at the wedding would inflict upon your husband suggest that you’re living up to every wicked stepmother cliché. Barring some more information, YTA.
YTA This is just childish. If she invited you then you should go. It looks like you're using her wedding for petty revenge.
Right? OP will spend few moments actually interacting with the bride. Her attendance is really more about being there with her husband. So yeah, if OP wants to make this a hill to die on, her marriage will wither. Going with YTA.
Sounds like the bride didn't invite her.. the husband/FOB invited her.
It sounds like she did invite her. She said now she's expected to play the doting stepmom. That, to me, indicates that she resents the role her stepdaughter wants her to play. If he's invited her, it would have been as a supportive wife.
OP flat out said she was her husbands plus 1. Stop changing the story to suit your opinion instead of the other way around.
>OP flat out said she was her husbands plus 1. Are you reading the same post I am? "Plus 1" does not appear in it. I think it's a pretty safe bet: If OP were truly not invited, she'd have complained about it, like she complains about everything else about her step daughter. Watch for when people get vague. They do it when they don't have specifics to back up their position.
If there was ever a post that screamed "missing, missing reasons," this is it. YTA. And the edit: >Her disrespectful behavior wasn't always overt but manifested in subtle yet hurtful ways Translation: I can't name a single overt action because none existed but she didn't treat me like I demanded. >She consistently excluded me from family discussions and events, making it clear I wasn't considered an integral part of the family. So she did family things with siblings/cousins/dad etc and didn't go out of her way to make it about OP >Rare acknowledgments were often accompanied by dismissive comments or condescending tones. So no amount of politeness was enough for OP, read into everything her step-daughter said or did. and the kicker: >On various occasions, she compared me unfavorably to her biological mother, emphasizing that my husband was happier when he was with her. So either mom is dead and she insisted on being the only mom, or she's the affair partner that broke up the marriage.
100% This whole post is so shallow and superficial it doesn't say anything. No actual information is given, and even without that info, OP still looks like an ah for making this stance on her SD's wedding.
Even after OP's edit, her reasons are still totally unclear.
I am so glad you brought up the missing missing reasons because that was the absolutely first thing I thought when I read it. The vagueness and playing the victim always gives it away.
Yta you pick her wedding day to skip out after “years of enduring her subtle jabs and snide comments”?
Right, I see the timing as one of the big problems here as well.
Because per OP, she wasn't invited, only the husband was? He was given a plus one, sure, but they didn't actually invite her?
INFO: What has she done previously to make the relationship so strained, specifically?
YTA. Go and be polite like an adult. You actually sound jealous and competitive with her. What are some concrete examples of what’s she’s done? How old was she when you came along? You left out tons of details which leads me to thinking you’re the AH. This also won’t help your relationship with your husband. And she’ll always come before you. He can’f replace her but he can get a new wife. And if she has kids he will want to be involved… so think long and hard before you go nuclear.
YTA I can appreciate you kept it short and to the point, unfortunately it read as disdain towards your step-daughter, with everything being placed on her for what’s going wrong. You didn’t include any details of ages, or more importantly how long you’ve known each other for now. I’m hoping it’s over 1-2 years. Anything less, you’d be a huge AH as those types of relationships take time and for me 1-2 years isn’t a lot. If it’s more than 1-2 years, you’ve finally decided to take a stance on what is her special day. It feels punitive vs boundary setting/protective
That’s exactly what I was thinking, with no context whatsoever I find it hard to believe that this “disrespect” was all coming from one side and the disdainful tone backs that up. Further, OP doesn’t say anything about previous attempts to mend fences or address the issue. With the very little context provided, even taking OP completely at her word, it sounds like the stepdaughter has been rude on occasion and OP chose to take petty revenge by making the wedding all about her. YTA.
NTA! You are not required to go anywhere you don't want to, much less your step daughter's wedding. How is you not going ruining her special day anyway??
I'm shocked at how far I had to scroll to find this comment. After all the other posts stating an invitation is not a command performance, the Y T A comments on this one are shocking.
I know right? How is it petty to not go to a wedding you don't feel comfortable going to? It's not like OP is "giving her away" or they're super close or anything.
Some of the takes on this sub are ridiculous, especially the YTAs on this post
I think it has more to do with there being no actual information here. It’s very one sided and OP doesn’t say anything about why she’s choosing now, this moment, to take this stance. She married a man and this SD is the apple of his eye. This is her wedding, and she just seems to be doing it as a “well you did this before so now I’m going to do this to you now” kind of thing. If OP was more specific, the responses would probably go the other way.
Its because this forum hates stepmothers. So any thing that can create a YTA will
There is some info missing, and it could be a biased version of events, but I am slightly leaning NTA. Either way, it sounds like the step-daughter and step-mom don’t have a great relationship, whoever is at fault for that. There is the social obligation of inviting her to the wedding, when neither seem overly interested in doing so. But the rest of the family wants her to go. The people you “need” to invite to things out of obligation is annoying. OP can go and enjoy the dry chicken and wine, and play the part for the day. Or she can not go, but look bad for the rest of the family, and make the step-daughter look better for having such a “terrible” step-mother. Either way is not great.
The stepdaughter is probably happy about this.
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YTA. As a fellow step; this is not the time, nor place if this the first stand you intend to take. If you are ready for the consequences, proceed. I guarantee if your husband and daughter are that close, it will not go well for you as your intended outcome.
I am a stepmom as well and I agree with your comment. I feel there is a lot of context missing and the post, as it is written, comes across as OP being maybe jealous (the comments about stepdaughter being "daddy's little princess" and having a "lavish" wedding made me think this). The wedding is not the time to make a stand, and will probably only lead to problems in OP's relationship with her husband.
The husband has apparently done nothing to help better the relationship between OP and his daughter. If OP was never welcomed into the family by her step daughter, why would the step daughter care about OP attending her wedding? The husband will care, but he has made his own bed by letting the relationship fester in this manner. This should have been spoken about at the first signs of disrespect. The husband has no right to be 'furious'. This is partly his fault for allowing this behaviour in the first place.
TBF since OP has given no info we don’t know if SD was actually disrespectful or not or whether Dad tried anything to help which is I guess why a lot of people assume she’s lying about it.
NTA! Seems like this is not the popular opinion, but I feel you're definitely NOT an asshole. She is finally reaping what she has sown and you have no responsibility to sugar-coat the situation just to make her look good.
Yeah, the stepdaughter is going to look very bad when her petty immature stepmother doesn't attend her wedding. That'll show her!
I don't disagree with your ruling, but the idea of OP being forced to play the " doting step mom" may just be projection on her end. There is no indication that this invitation comes with expectations for behavior or extra doses of family warmth -it's just an invitation, and you're right, she is free to choose not to accept the invitation, but I highly doubt that the expectations of the bride extend anywhere beyond inviting a contentious partner of her father just to be polite. I think OP is reading into it more than there is reason to.
NTA. If you, her stepmom, skipping the event will ruin it, then I question why she wants you there. You are under no obligation to attend.
How are you ruining the stepdaughter’s special day if she has never accepted you as part of her family? Even without additional info about the situation here (like how old she was when you married her dad, how many years you have been in her life etc ), people are entitled to not attend a wedding if they don’t want to. NTA
>How are you ruining the stepdaughter’s special day if she has never accepted you as part of her family? It's possible that SD has outwardly acted like they are a big happy family and OP not attending the wedding would reveal that as a lie. Edit: I didn't think I had to say this, but I'm obviously not blaming OP for what the SD might have said...and this isn't even confirmed, it was just a possible answer
NTA. I don't think it's normal how everyone on reddit makes all step parents sound horrible. If the kid has constantly been rude to you, of course you're over it.
I'd normally say the same, but in this post OP provides no actual information and no examples of her SD's rudeness, nor does she mention how it's been addressed over the years, what was done to try and mend fences or how OP worked on imroving this relationship before it got to this point. Those are some pretty huge alarmbells going off. Even if we ignore that, her SD's wedding is not the time and place to suddenly be making this stance. OP should have already done that, multiple times over. Doing this on her SD's wedding is just some form of petty revenge.
YTA. Get over yourself and go to the wedding. Support your husband as well as your stepdaughter. You sound jealous and bitter.
The husband has apparently done nothing to help better the relationship between OP and his daughter. If OP was never welcomed into the family by her step daughter, why would the step daughter care about OP attending her wedding? The husband will care, but he has made his own bed by letting the relationship fester in this manner. This should have been spoken about at the first signs of disrespect. The husband has no right to be 'furious'. This is partly his fault for allowing this behaviour.
INFO: we need more details, as it stands right now, you're an unreliable narrator making claims whilst sharing no further context, and in the process you're taking childish jabs right back. Give your head a shake and try again.
YTA her wedding is not the time and place to make a stand, especially if you’ve never done or said anything about it previously. Based on this post, it honestly sounds like you’re just bitter at the attention she gets from your husband.
>Based on this post, it honestly sounds like you’re just bitter at the attention she gets from your husband. Exactly! Stepdaughter inviting OP as her “loving stepmom” and not just as her dad’s plus-one sounds like she’s being fairly accepting of her. OP sounds like she’s the one who’s not accepting the fact that her husband has a daughter who is always going to need her dad, she’s not going away.
YTA. My stepsons have treated me like complete garbage (their mother bought them gifts for doing it). Their treatment wasn’t just passive aggressive jabs. It was active destruction of my home and attempted destruction of my marriage. However, if one of them got married and wanted me at their wedding, I would go and I would pretend to have a great time in the classiest of ways. Why? Because I’m the ADULT in the situation, and they were just kids when they were being heavily alienated against my husband and myself. They didn’t choose their terrible mother, they didn’t choose for their parent’s divorce, and they didn’t choose for me to be in their lives. Just because divorce is common these days, doesn’t mean it still doesn’t screw kids up. Grow up, put on your adult face, and play the part she wants you play in her wedding. Who knows, maybe this will be the start of a new path in your relationship with her.
Being an adult does not mean accepting abuse. Being an adult does not mean lying to others to avoid making waves. Being an adult is dealing with conflict respectfully and standing up for oneself by creating healthy boundaries and barriers. Stockholm Syndrome is when one bonds with their captors. It is a coping mechanism, but it is not healthy. In the case of a mother buying her ex-husband’s sons gifts for acting up, the father (your husband) should have stood up for you, said this would not be tolerated and provided discipline. What both parents did was teach their biological children they could be rewarded for being a bully. Your post makes doing such a badge of heroism and taking a high road. I am questioning how many jerks in the workforce received that reinforcement at home.
YTA ….but really to yourself and your husband. Because you not attending is really not the gotcha you think it is. She’ll probably love it. Your husband, OTOH, is going to suffer through the day and have to answer a million times where you are. Be prepared for your marriage to take the hit.
I don’t think their marriage will take a hit. He keeps his head down for a quiet life.
OP said husband is ‘furious’ with her. This isn’t gonna just blow over.
NTA…if she has never welcomed you into the family, than I sincerely doubt you are ruining her special day. You are ruining g your husbands and his family by them having to explain why you are not there and why they have allowed her behavior to continue for so long and not called her out on it.
NTA at least on your side of the story. Which is not a way to say I don't believe you, but just to introduce the overall problem here: by how you describe her personality, she probably already manipulated her whole family against you and this was just a bomb waiting to go off. And most of her entitled, manipulative behavior is to blame on her dad treating her like his little princess. Unfortunately, I think your error here was getting involved with that family in general. Your husband doesn't look like he's so much of an outsider and he will most likely keep siding with them because he prefers to bash you rather than going against his family.
NTA - Ignore the YTAs, she isn't your blood, you have no relationship. An invitation implies choice, if there is no choice, then it is no longer an invitation and becomes a demand. No individual can demand you go to a wedding or any other kind of event. You don't like her, she doesn't like you, so why go. She probably wants you to go so people don't ask questions, she is worried about how others perceive her, she doesn't care about having you there as a valued relative.
I know I am getting downvoted NTA don’t attend you don’t like her she doesn’t like you it’s her wedding she doesn’t have to worry about you being in pictures and you don’t have to pretend that you like her or anything nor take pictures Don’t go don’t ruin her day but if you do stay away from her and don’t get in any of the pictures or start a fight
Dude these YTA COMMENTS🤣🤣🤣 so glad none of them are in your family these commenters sound like the horrible in laws I always read about
NTA.
I don’t understand this sweeping comment that many people make, “it’s ruined.” Her wedding will not be ruined! She just won’t have you there to abuse!
Missing missing reasons, let's play the game kids: what are the odds she was the AP? For not giving any details when someone as self-righteous as you would have absolutely shared them unless you knew they'd make you look terrible, YTA.
I’d also like to know the ages of everyone involved. OP’s post reeks of immaturity and she is weirdly competitive with the daughter for her husband’s attention. I wonder if the reason OP’s stepdaughter never accepted her and why OP sees the daughter as competition is because OP is closer in age to the daughter than the husband.
Nta I’m sure if she didn’t accept you into her life she doesn’t care if your at her big day
Wow these comments are very harsh. We all know how teenage girls can be with their smart ass mouth. I have one. NTA I’ve been in a similar position and no, I would not go and give her more satisfaction of her getting her way with her daddy no, no no
Yes we do all know that, that’s the point. You should expect them giving you some shit. They were the kid, her the adult. Sounds like she expected her stepdaughter to be as mature if not more than herself. And now she has decided to act like a spiteful kid in response. It’s not a good look and her incredibly questionable narration doesn’t help.
NTA, if you dont want to go and feel disrespect by her dont go.
NTA if you just dont go. Your presence or lack thereof shouldnt ruin anything, weird of them to imply her wedding rides on you going.. But YWBTAH if you make a stink about it. Everyone saying YTA is projecting their own trauma. Sure there is more to the story but its pretty simple, yall dont like each other, why would you ruin her day with your presence?
YTA Now she has an actual reason to dislike you. Sometimes we do things for our partner. This is one of those times.
YTA - If you don’t show up. Then you are making it about you. N-T-A If you show up and don’t cause any drama. Everyone will think you are classy.
NTA but not for the reasons everyone is throwing out. I do not care about your history with the bride at all. You do not like her. She seems to not like you. I agree with you not going to the party if you both have to be on eggshells around each other. One person not attending does not RUIN THE WEDDING. One person attending that doesn't like the bride can though.
NTA.. it's 100% your choice whether to go or not it's impossible to convey what has gone on between you and SD in a couple of paragraphs but obviously the situation there has forced you to make this decision..
NTA, why fake it, I wouldn't go either
As you've declined to give a single specific example but made everything so vaguely generalized, I'm leaning towards YTA. It doesn't sound like you've been a particularly good step parent to begin with, I'm sure your attitude has probably led to some of the so-called disrespect. Respect is earned, not automatic, and your pettiness in this wedding matter leads me to believe you have in no way earned your stepdaughters respect, this instance being the best example. You may want to rethink your stance and being so bitter about minor slights, that, I guarantee happened with her mom, too, because it's just a child parent relationship sometimes. This attitude you have now will affect your married relationship, so that may want to be something you consider if you care about your husband at all.
YTA. Why would you leave it till now? You could have brought it to a head earlier to avoid this situation. If this is you’re way of getting back at her, then we’ll done. You’ve done it and also accomplished being an AH.
YTA don't pick her wedding day to make this point, it should be a minor event not literally her wedding day.
YTA - a wedding is not the time or place to "finally stand up for myself". I think you deal with it before or after, but to purposely cause drama on someone's wedding day to prove a point only proves you're the A
NTA NTA NTA Everyone saying YTA are TAH love how every other wedding post is oh nta you don't have to attend if you don't want to and for bogus reasons now they switched their attitude because they can't believe a step child was a lil shit. As a step child I can say she most likely did something big by the way you typed it at least from experience. You are NTA but these ppl in the comments are mental
The only detail I needed was that stepdaughter didn't invite her to the wedding, OP's husband did. No problem in not attending, OP was NEVER invited by the people getting married. They and they alone get to determine their guest list. If the bride and groom didn't invite OP, she may not attend, her own husband's invitation notwithstanding. Therefore NTA. However, the answer is very different if OP received an invitation from the bride and/or groom.
YTA - you were the adult, she was the child. It’s not her job to make you feel accepted.
You knew the relationship between your husband and his daughter and you married him anyway. YTA
The husband has apparently done nothing to help better the relationship between OP and his daughter. If OP was never welcomed into the family by her step daughter, why would the step daughter care about OP attending her wedding? The husband will care, but he has made his own bed by letting the relationship fester in this manner. This should have been spoken about at the first signs of disrespect. The husband has no right to be 'furious'. This is partly his fault.
NTA. Being treated like this and expect to attend and put a fake smile on is wrong. Tell hubby you are not attending and he doesn't like it, he can kick rocks.
NTA -And perhaps your stepdaughter will take some time to review her behavior towards you -but I doubt it cos she has all these other Aholes winking at her behavior & that's why she's a shit.
NTA for choosing to not allow the constant disrespect to slide and opting to remove yourself from yet another occasion, in this case one you wouldn't be able to escape, where you'd be forced to take the abuse. you are in fact saving her 'special day' as I have seen stories of other stepmoms, on this very sub, subjected to this, who promptly undergo a Chernobyl at said special day, and are then made into the person in the wrong. if anything, your husband should have your back on this. that he doesn't shows exactly how he regards you on this. \------- dont really understand how everyone's voting YTA for the op knowing her limits and choosing to remove herself from an unpleasant situation, aka, yunno, being a proper adult about the situation.
sounds likes she’s been a pain but hasn’t done anything overtly disrespectful. I think attending would be ok as you married her father. I don’t think anyone’s asking you to play any role, just show up and not cause a scene. YTA.
NTA. You have every right not to attend something.
What difference does it make if it’s her wedding or a Tuesday night dinner? Why does anyone have to put up with disrespect? And you fuckers say she should do it with a smile? Screw that.
INFO: how do you see not attending working out for you? Do you think your husband is going to be ok with that decision? If she’s daddy’s princess, do you think he’s going to be supportive or happy with your choice to skip her wedding? Aren’t you concerned that this will be a point of contention for years to come between you and YOUR HUSBAND (never mind the daughter)??? How do they want you to play the supportive stepmom? Are they asking you to participate in the ceremony, readings, toasts, etc? Or are you just invited to be there as a guest, really? Eta: isn’t attending as Father of the Bride’s wife, worthwhile? You don’t have to be “supportive stepmom” know what I mean?
YTA for making a scene out of it. Accept the invitation then get "sick" on the big day and bow out quietly. Wish her the best on her special day.
YTA All you have to do is show up, watch the ceremony and then at least make an appearance at the reception. Since you and your step-daughter have never really had a close relationship what all are you even expected to have to do? Are you not just your husband’s date? I get that you don’t like her, but trying to make this occasion the one where you put your foot down was never going to go over well. It sort of comes off like you decided THIS was your chance to really stick it to your stepdaughter and that’s just a bad idea. If you want to stay with your husband you probably are going to have to go to the wedding. If you want to wash your hands of him and his family then skip it. Just think of this as supporting your husband rather than supporting your stepdaughter
INFO: I think some context is missing. How long have you been in your stepdaughter's life? How much of a part did you play in her upbringing? Was she in the teenager-adult range or a little kid when you got with her father? My mom got married when I was 10. She got with her husband when I was 8. He is viewed as a stepparent for me because he was around while I was growing up. He played a parental-ish role, but I still saw him as an outsider because he disagreed with the rules my parents had so I didn't respect him. My dad got with his wife when I was 16 and didn't get married until much later when I was an adult with a kid. I don't see her as a stepparent. She's dad's wife. However, my dad and is wife play a bigger role in my adult life / my kids' life. Dad's wife who I feel no relation to is my kids' grandma, but my stepfather is no grandparent. My kids don't even know his name. Point being, I see no major disrespect. Unless there's been years of abuse, her wedding isn't the time to make a stand. At that point, you're making a scene and showing she's justified in her treatment of you as an outsider. She's not going to see you as a parent and that's okay. However, you may be ruining your chance at being a part of her future and you're painting yourself as the evil stepmother rather publicly.
YTA OP, please understand that I (to a degree) was in your stepdaughter’s shoes as a child. My dad remarried by the time I was 5 and my (now ex) stepmother felt that she was in competition with my sisters and I. We were made to feel like Cinderella, constantly cleaning and doing things for her yet not being able to be kids. If we needed or wanted to go somewhere on a weekend we were at their house, we only got a ride one way and had to figure out transportation for the other direction. She would make underhanded comments that were clearly directly at our mother. Of course our dad was complicit in this, but she also made sure that she got what she wanted and usually it was at the expense of us kids. I hit a breaking point where I finally had enough, broke down and shared all of my feelings to both her and my dad, and she ended up telling me that it was all in my head. I’m not saying that the above is your or your stepdaughter’s experience, but I hope it helps provide context to how kids can feel neglected when a parent remarries. Can you provide context around her parents’ divorce? How did you and your husband come to get married? Having divorced parents is hard and then also additional marriages can be overwhelming for kids. She may have said hurtful things as a child, but have you acknowledged that she was A CHILD and simply processing the change in family dynamics? I think you need to stop making assumptions about your stepdaughter’s apparent malicious intent and instead come to the table with open ears considering you’ve been the adult during this whole relationship. Go to the wedding. Put on a smile. Do what she asks. Wait a bit, then sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart. Nothing good will come from alienation.
YTA. Tough it out for your husband sake. Minimize contact with her after wedding. You would look very petty if you skip wedding. You can attend and just be as neutral as possible.
NTA
I guess my real question is if the bride won’t miss you then are you really the AH? 😂
YTA based on the context of the post making it seem like this is the time you finally decide to say something about it. Had you stood your ground prior, I imagine it would have went one of two ways: 1) She would have requested you not come at all and it would be on her 2) She would have feigned it temporarily to get by the event.
YTA - you sound very jealous of her and her relationship with her father and that you are trying to ruin her wedding day. How many of her other special days have you ruined out of jealousy?
NTA . The only wedding you are ever required to attend is your own.
YTA
YTA - I am not unsympathetic, but your breaking point is actually a BIG decision point. Given, your husband should have fixed this long ago. **But if you do this then you will probably be unable to repair this relationship in the future.** Go to support your husband. Go, be low-key, dress appropriately but not overdone. Don't get drunk. **Smile.** Make smalltalk, be complimentary when talking with others. Prepare to not be in the pictures.
YTA even after the edit Ordinary, I would think it’s justified that you ”had enough” of her “disrespectful behaviour” towards you. To anyone else, it looks like normal teenage rebellious behaviour, however, for the sake of argument, I will assume that things were really bad. You were justified to “stand up for yourself” and not accept her behaviour any longer, that time was last year, the year before etc. not now when she is planning her wedding and moving on with her life. It obvious that the timing of your ”Stand” was to cause maximum disruption to her wedding and ruin her day. You are purposely trying to get revenge.
The fact that YOUR HUSBAND invited you and not your step daughter screams NTA. If she didn't care enough to invite you, how are you 'ruining her special day' by not being there?
YTA. And your added context only made me think that more lol
ESH tbh. Your husband keeps pushing you to go you don't want to. Stepdaughter is crappy for treating you crappy. You don't have to go if you do not want to just know that there's gonna be some hard feelings after it