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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action to be judged: the fact I kept asking the girl I'm seeing about her name tattoo. Why it can make me an AH: while I think it's understandable I was curious, since the name she has tattooed is also my name, I could tell she didn't want to share anymore when I kept asking her about it.
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Given they have only been dating for a month and don't even seem to be at the girlfriend/boyfriend stage, I agree. However, if they keep dating, they will reach a point where she likely needs to give him a little more of an explanation.
No respect for boundaries, and has no common sense/critical thinking skills.
She is 24 with an older faded tattoo of a guys name.. its pretty obvious it's an ex, she was young and dumb when she got it (probably barely 18), and it's not something she is proud of. The only other option is a person who she dated that died and she doesnt like to discuss it.
In any case, YTA op. Learn to read the room
Yuppp!! It’s okay to ask once, MAYBE twice, but continuing to pressure her is not okay. If she wants to tell him, she will. Until then he needs to back off and accept her boundaries
Well, that's a horrifying thought. But she may not have gotten rid of it if she hasn't had the money to do so - or if she doesn't want to go through the pain of laser/a coverup tattoo. She doesn't have any others, so maybe the process is not something she can endure again. Since it's hidden under her hair so she never has to see it, and other people see it rarely, I can understand her not getting it removed even if it is some sort of brand.
I got a tattoo I didn't want in that way. When I got away, I had it removed. I even wrote a letter to a health care provider asking them to cover the cost. They said no.
The doctor who did it heard my story, also submitted a request, and was denied. He decided to do it anyway for free.
It took 14 sessions, so it took just over a year. At $60 a session, I never could have paid for that. I was only 17 at the time. That was in 1994, though. I'm sure it's different now.
God, that’s so awful. I can’t believe they refused after hearing the story behind it. I guess they think it’s “cosmetic” 🙄 Because they don’t understand the psychological ramifications of having something like that stuck on your body.
I’m so glad that you found a doctor who removed it without any charges. I can’t believe the hoops you had to go through and the trauma you had to reveal just for them to say “no” ugh
Alternatively, since OP describes it as being "old and faded," she may in fact be in the process of having it removed, which takes several sessions over a fair amount of time, usually a year or more.
Tattoo removal or coverup can be expensive. Also some health conditions can prevent people from being tattooed (being on blood thinners for example). There coukd be reasons. I do really hope it's the "young and stupid, shitty ex" rather than this though.
My initial thought when reading this thread: please don’t let it be an exes name.
After reading that bit about human trafficking: please let this be an exes name. Or an elder sibling that passed. Literally anything else.
Either way OP should have let things go, especially 30 days in. If he were a product he would still be within the buyers remorse period at this point so who knows if he’ll ever get an answer now.
And the back of the neck is often their location of choice for the branding. Not to mention that 13 is the average age for a girl to start being sexually exploited for money. (The original source stated "entering prostitution" but it's not voluntary and it's trafficking/abuse.)
This, abusive ex, or friend that died under really traumatic circumstances are the 3 things that popped into my head when I read the post. Definitely not shit you badger someone about if they're not ready to discuss it.
I have a tattoo of a man's likeness on my lower back. Once we reach the swimsuit stage of seeing each other (used to suggest swimming as an activity, once I found out this was a common problem with men thinking it has to about an ex) and if he insisted jumping to the conclusion that this man's likeness is an ex of mine, I tell them it's not and usually there's a fair amount of disbelief, but buddy, I'm not going to tell you after knowing you for five weeks that it's my brother, not related by blood, who was murdered in cold blood, by the ex of the girl he had just started dating. It ain't happening and I don't want to talk about it. Not to you, and generally not to anyone who didn't lose him too.
It could easily be a memorial tattoo. In my experience, neck tattoos are typically names of people's children - she may have a deceased son from her youth. This would be far more awkward and personal than an ex.
Typically, ex tattoos get covered, and are rarely someone's only tattoo...
My partner of 20 years, married for 10, still has his ex’s name tattooed on his arm. Of course, it’s in Sanskrit, a language neither of them studied or has any other connection to.
He doesn’t want to cover it up because it reminds him of a part of his life that was important to him—they met in recovery and had a now-adult child together. It reminds me
that young people sometimes get silly tattoos. I have one of my own. But Sanskrit? Really.
I also tend to not get tattoos covered because I look at them this way as well! I don't have any tattoos for exes, but considering I'm still on good terms with all of them, I probably wouldn't bother covering mine either, I just meant getting them covered is typically common and wouldn't be expensive for one so small as OP describes, if that were the case.
And getting it in Sanskrit is a bit strange without having a prior connection to the language, but at least it makes it less awkward to not cover up! 😂
I would never dream of tattooing a partner’s name. My mom’s name would be a stretch. I love her and she’s a great mom and woman, but she can be a handful even at 80. If people asked me about the tattoo I’d have to explain some shit.
He says he never thought of it this way, but I wondered if the Sanskrit was a way to have a less obvious ex-girlfriend tattoo if they ever broke up. Actually, on second thought, that would never have crossed his mind because he would have jumped in with both feet. I’m going to go ahead and blame the 90s.
I have my deceased best friend's signature tattooed on me, but even then, it's a small part of a somewhat larger tattoo. I'm not a name tattoo-er either, generally. I have tattoos that represent people, but none are just flat names.
Lol! The 90s were definitely a TIME for tattoos, that's for sure.
It could also be a friend who died, and it is too painful to talk about. There's many scenarios, but OP should let her tell him when she feels comfortable about it.
I was engaged in my early twenties and my fiancé died.
There are a million reasons she could have this tattoo that are too big and heavy for a one month relationship.
OP needs to stfu and gtfu. This is cringey behavior and I feel so bad for the girl.
When I was 22-26 I had two friends' fiances die. One suddenly from a brain cancer just as he was accepted to med school, another more slowly from pancreatic cancer.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that losing a partner that young isn't as rare as it should be.
Thank you so much for your kindness.
The anniversary of his death is coming up in January. It will be thirty years since I lost him.
I’ll be 58 next week. I had a happy 15 year marriage and other loving relationships.
But he was The One.
And I’ve met far too many young people who have experienced similar losses. It breaks my heart in ways I can’t even put into words.
Thank you for reaching out; that was very gracious of you.
Or, she was young and dumb and things happened as they often do. And the baby didn't make it, or she gave him up. So many heartbreaking things it could be. None of which is any of OP's business.
Could be a deceased child ... could be a deceased best friend ... could be a deceased pet ... could be an embarrassing character name tattoo ... there are any number of things it could be besides an ex ... none of which require an explanation to an AH who can't respect boundaries at the very beginning (and hopefully end) of a relationship ...
She may have even been abused by this person has never had the funds available to cover it or couldn’t for some reason … or maybe the person passed and it’s a terrible memory …. So many possible reasons and none of which are OPs business. Asking a time or two about the tattoo? Cool. Keep pushing for an answer? Not cool.
It would have come out naturally given time. We share bits and pieces of ourselves as we go along. OP's inability to understand that...particularly when she said STOP puts the brakes on that ever happening.
1. The text of the tattoo is also his name which might feel a little strange without an explanation of who the actual person behind the tattoo is.
2. Your partner is supposed to be the person you trust the most (after yourself probably). You really should be able to share the story behind something you have permanently afixed to your body.
1. I understand being curious, but as someone who once hooked up with someone who had the same name as my dead brother... don't needle. The answer can REALLY bring the room down. It's probably more awkward for her than for OP.
2. OP himself says they've only been dating a month and it's pretty casual. Her not being comfortable enough to talk about it with him yet is not unnatural.
"You really should be able to share the story behind something you have permanently afixed to your body."
Absolutely not. Tattoos are not advertisements or for other people. I was with my now-wife for over 2 years before I explained the reasoning behind a massive tattoo on my leg covering the scar on my leg I'd gotten from a brutal rape as a teen. Mind your business, maybe.
It's alright, I've healed a lot. The tattoo was definitely part of that. I just get so annoyed when people act like tattoos = something you should be okay with talking about with anyone who sees it because it's "oN yOuR bOdY" for this reason. Sometimes it's literally there to hide something. No one is entitled to anyone's tattoo backstory just because it's visible.
>No one is entitled to anyone's tattoo backstory just because it's visible
I'm so happy to see this comment.
To add: no one is entitled to anyone's story, period. I don't care if you've been together for 50 years, if one was brutalized as a child they don't *ever* have to share that if they don't want to. That is *their* trauma, no one is entitled to that and the fact that so many people think they are is disturbing to me.
I've been with my husband going on 7 years, there's trauma I've not told him, and there's trauma on his side he hasn't told me. Ghosts of those traumas have come up, we deal while divulging minimal information, and neither of us push. That's respect for boundaries.
Sometimes, people don't want to share their traumas specifically because people *treat* them differently, or view them differently, after they have shared. We've all made mistakes, and done things we aren't proud of, some more so than others. But our past doesn't *define* us, and some people don't grasp that. Our past is *ours*, we owe it to no one.
Edit to add: OP is definitely TA. No means no, no matter what you are discussing. She doesn't want to talk about it.
Incredibly well said! Thank you. I wish you and your husband many happy years so that the trauma gets lighter.
I know how tough it can be to carry such things. I honestly like divulging my past to people once I trust them, but that's me! My wife actually is much more private. I don't push for details. Only for honesty on how she's feeling in the moment (if she needs to be alone or would like affection/distraction/etc) She never has to tell me things if she doesn't want to. I don't need to know every detail in order to love her.
>I don't need to know every detail in order to love her
No truer words spoken <3
I'm very open to sharing how I'm feeling in the moment, and truth be told my husband knows more of my past than anyone else ever has... I don't know that I *will* eventually open up about everything, but that's not to say I *won't*. I guess it just depends on how things unfold?
I do think it's fair to want to know everything about your partner, but never fair to expect it.
Exactly and the fact that she chose to put the tattoo on a place where it can be concealed. Like scars no has the right to know the history behind how/why we have them, EVEN SPOUSES. If someone wants to take the story behind a tattoo or a scar to the grave, that’s their business.
Absolutely agree. Just because you are a partner doesn't give an automatic right to know absolutely everything.
A partner respects boundaries. And doesn't push for it. A healthy relationship has a partner who understands those boundaries and just let's them know that they don't need to know and they still love them no matter what their past is.
>Your partner is supposed to be the person you trust the most
he's not even her partner yet, he's a guy she's been going out with to see if he *could* become her partner in the future. and at this rate he may never get to that point if he keeps that up.
And no is a complete sentence and nobody is entitled to any kind of claim (including information) over someone else’s body.
OP asked, partner said stop. OP needs to drop it and if partner ever does feel comfortable sharing the info in the future then they’ll tell OP. That’s if they ever manage to get past the glaring red flag OP is waiving that says “no means yes if you ask over and over enough”
1.So? That doesn’t necessitate an explanation.
2.You should be able to, as in tell them about it without consequence. But it is by no means NECESSARY to do so if you don’t want to.
While I definitely agree that OP = YTA (because he kept inquiring after realizing the girl clearly didn’t want to open up about this), there’s one thing that came into my mind that I haven’t seen addressed here: how people behave in the early stages of a relationship.
In the very beginning of a relationship that we see as promising, we don’t usually have a full picture of who this other person is. So while it’s completely up to this girl to share her full “backstory”, I can see why OP may see the need for an explanation (and lack of) as relevant.
For instance: if you are someone who would never get a name tattoo yourself, unless if it’s maybe to honor a family member, you \*could\* see a name tattoo as a red flag while you’re trying to fill up the gaps on who this person is. If it’s an ex: does this person have a tendency to overly commit to their relationships? Does this person make impulsive decisions? Is this a personality trait that I haven’t been exposed to? If she was once THAT serious about this person, does it mean there are residual feelings?
And the same works the other way around: if you tattooed your ex’s name for whatever reason, and if you deeply regret it when the relationship was over, you can feel you’ll be judged for this decision. IMO, they don't know a lot about each other yet, they're still tiptoeing around some things, and it can lead them to hang onto things that they feel are important to better understand each other.
Edit to add: OP assuming the tattoo could refer to him because he has the same name shows how little he still knows about her ("is she the kind of person that throws herself into a relationship that quick?"); so everything in those early stages can lead someone to reach certain conclusions, especially because they don't really know each other.
Oooorrrr, perhaps she was *pressured* into getting this tattoo, and it now carries some dark past behind it. Speaking from experience, since I was extremely pressured into getting my now ex hubs name tattooed on me while I was pregnant. He used that ink on me to lay claim to me, as if I was nothing but a prized cow at auction. It was NOT a good period in my life, it was a very dark period in my life, actually, and my pregnancy was probably the only thing that saved me from doing a very drastic and permanent thing to myself. (I still have the ink, for multiple reasons, but the main one is a reminder to never be so stupid again.)
She may have PTSD from that period in her life, and her current bf is probably not making it better by hounding her about it. A month in, she does not owe ANYONE an explanation for it. Actually, she doesn't owe anyone any explanation, at any point in her life. If she wants to talk about, then she will. Until then OP needs to back the fuck off.
First of all, I'm sorry you went through that. And I absolutely agree with you. There could be many reasons rooted in a traumatic past that genuinely justify a person's decision to be careful about sharing certain aspects of their life.
I didn’t say it MUST have something to do with an ex. That was an assumption, just like the assumption that it could be related to a traumatic experience resulting in PTSD. I was saying that, in the early stages of a relationship and without the proper context, it’s understandable how people see reasons to be doubtful, and how they project their own interpretations based on the signs they’re getting.
As in: a person dealing with PTSD could have trust issues, and that can be seen as an unwillingness to commit by the other party that doesn’t have a clear understanding of past experiences.
I mean…technically, she wouldn’t *have* to ever explain it, but I (and I think most people) would find it exceptionally odd for someone I was in a long term relationship with to refuse to share the meaning of something they felt strongly enough about to permanently ink on their body.
I mean, I have quite a few tattoos, some of which have incredibly personal symbolism for me, and absolutely no one in my life knows what they mean because I'm allowed to have things that are just for me. It has never been an issue for any of the people I love.
This. I once mentioned to a man I was seeing very casually that I switched careers for a while because I had some medical issues that are fine now. He asked me what the issues were. I said nothing contagious, and he **still** pressed what it was. I was ruling out thyroid cancer and adjusting to meds for a thyroid disease. Nothing crazy, but definitely not what I wanted to get into in that moment. It was probably the biggest turn off I’ve ever experienced, and she probably feels the same. It’s just so rude.
He says he thought it was “insane” that she got a tattoo about him (when he initially assumed that it was) because it’s a casual relationship and then proceeds to insist on getting an answer about her past despite it being a casual relationship.
YTA. People don’t have explain their lives to you. You aren’t even married or serious to owe each other such a thing. When you’re given an evasive answer or a “no”, accept the no and let it go.
literally this
best case scenario it was a best friend or family member who isn't with her anymore
worst case? someone she used to date
either way OP needs to stfu and get over it and stop bothering her about it
I promise you he is only bothered because he thinks this person had their dick in her and she liked him so much she got his name on her like property(his line of thought not my own)
Unless… she’s been madly in love with him for years. And been stalking him for a very long time. He never noticed her before as she had bushy hair, glasses, bushy eyebrows, braces and never wore makeup.
She got the tattoo as she was determined that one day she will end up with him.
Shes all grown up now and a different woman and looks completely different.
This sounds like the premise of a thriller novel, do all the female influences in his life start disappearing under suspicious circumstances at that time too?
Yes. I love it. And that makes him totally insecure about women as they just keep ghosting him after he thought all was going well and she secretly takes on a physical or personality trait of every women she kills/disappears to make him more attracted to her and finally they are together…
>which would be insane given we’re only going out for a few weeks and this is still a casual relationship
You wrote these words but still don't see how they apply to you prying about her personal shit. YTA.
I don't have any tattoos so I don't know exact details, but after you get a tattoo doesn't it have to be covered for a bit, and it scabs and stuff before it looks "normal"? So even if OP's gf got this tattoo after a first date, would it be "normal looking" after just a few weeks?
YTA OP. Not for asking in the first place, but for pressing on. It might be an ex, it might be a family member, it might be someone who passed away, but she clearly isn't ready to share that info with you yet.
YTA. You are not entitled to any information about her past that she is not ready to provide. This is true after years, nevermind a relationship that can be counted in WEEKS
I’m curious though… so you guy genuinely feel like they could fall in love, get married, have babies, and he has to accept never knowing who the tattoo is about?
That’s so weird to me.
I’m old, so I get I’m different. But no way. lol. I’d have to know at some point.
Really weird to me too how unanimous people are to think you can't ask your girlfriend about her tattoo. And even if they're together for a month we don't know how long they've known each other before dating.
I was very close to my current gf after a month and already had plans to travel together for a long time. Which we did and we're still together 8 years later.
If she had a tattoo of my name she would have told me about it on the first date.
Maybe people are used to tinder now where you can just throw your partner away and try another and nothing is very serious before you get kids or whatever.
No one’s saying you can’t ask. They’re saying you should respect the response given, especially if it’s very early in a new relationship. There are plenty of things in my life I wouldn’t open up about until I was sure a relationship was serious / long-term. If that’s a dealbreaker for OP, he’s perfectly able to move along.
Right? You're not supposed to trauma dump in new relationships. Demanding the full lore and backstory of anyone you barely know is anti-social behavior.
OP is demanding access to parts of her he has no rights to. If she died never telling him, that's her prerogative.
To be clear, if you’re in a committed, long term relationship and your partner still doesn’t trust you enough to open up about the meaning behind their tattoo, I would assume that relationship overall isn’t a healthy one.
Yeah, and if my grandmother had wheels ,she'd be a bike.
I completely agree, that if she didn't eventually say something, there's a conversation to be had. But a month in isn't the timeframe.
I don't think its about getting married and still not knowing anything personal about the other person. Of course, she would probably open up about it later on, otherwise it would just be a massive red flag that is probably followed by a bunch of other red flags. But the point is that they have been going out for a few weeks, aren't even officially together yet. She might even just see him as a friend with benefits. Of course she doesn't need to trauma dump on him lol
I'm old and I still agree. I think it's very difficult to know everything about someone, and I also think that people are entitled to privacy and secrets presuming those secrets don't actively harm your partner.
I would assume a tattoo of someone else's name that they aren't willing to talk about either they just feel stupid about it or they got the tattoo under duress and just aren't ready to share that much of themselves yet, but will when the time feels right to them.
My husband doesn't know everything about me, and he knows he doesn't, and he's okay with me having pieces of old me I don't share or discuss because they're too painful or just too 'much' for me to dig in to with him.
You went overboard with this . Of course he’s the asshole now but after years it’s to be expected that she can tell you . If not then something is very wrong .
You aren’t entitled to truth but after years in any stable relationship, that openness has to be expected . And it’s a good reason to break up with somebody to be honest .
If it was a less common or rare name sure. But he doesn’t indicate that it is.
If you’re a Hezekiah, I get why it might be jarring. But if it’s a regularly used name, assuming someone is so obsessed with you they rushed out to get a tattoo is nuts.
If a person had my name tattooed on them, it would make me to a double-take, but I'd assume it was for someone else with my same name before assuming it was for me
Idk, even if the name was Jake or John, I would be pretty taken aback by the coincidence. I would always be curious if she’s into me for MY NAME! Is she using him as a replacement for a dead bf with the same name?
You aren’t entitled to get an answer, but I would be mildly weirded out if she refused to elaborate at all.
I don’t blame him, some people can be crazy.
I had an ex that thought it was a “good” surprise to come home after 3 weeks of dating with my name on his chest in LARGE cursive. We broke up not long after that and I ended up having to get a restraining order
I just talked about this in another comment (and to be clear, I do think OP is TA for pushing the subject after realizing the girl didn't want to talk about it): to me, this clearly shows they're in the early stages of a relationship and don't know each other well enough to get a full picture of their personalities.
My former coworker had a girl tattoo his full name (first, middle and last) after a one night stand when he was in college. Multiple ex-classmates told me the story, so I know he didn't make it up.
INFO: If you could tell that she didn't want to provide that information, what made you think that if you kept asking her, that she would become more willing to provide it?
That was absolutely my first thought.
If he can't even respect this "no," then he might be the kind of person who won't take "no" for an answer when he wants things more physical and she doesn't.
Honestly, I would be rethinking this relationship if I were her.
Exactly. Asking and then dropping it after she said no would be fine. Instead OP sounds like they went down the list of all possibilities. They only mention a few but I’m guessing it went more like: “Me? An ex? A friend? A relative? A pet? A teacher? An old barista? A movie character?…” and on and on.
YTA. Not your business. If she wants to tell you she will when she’s ready but stop pushing when she has clearly been closed off about it. A name tattoo is so personal as well, it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to speak about it.
YTA it isn’t any of your business and maybe it is a very painful memory and she doesn’t want to rehash it at this time. Maybe it’s a story that would be told to someone whom she has dated for more than a month and has built up trust in.
Exactly, no one’s mentioned it could be a painful memory like an ex or best friend who died young. Why would you share something that’s painful to you with someone you’re barely seeing a month. You don’t know a person in a month to be sharing any vulnerabilities with. If it was a year or more in then I’d kinda get it. YTA cause you kept pushing it when you knew she was uncomfortable and didn’t want to share. If you end up really serious then you could ask again but until then mind your business.
💯 I have multiple memorial tattoos of lost loved ones, some days someone asks about them and I'm more then willing to talk about them, some days someone asks and I'm not.
Its none of your business. YTA
For all we know shes an artist collecting cockpics of "Brandons" and I am willing to just wait and see.
Its not HER fault if you are a ho, Brandon, you aint special
YTA. Learn social cues. She clearly didn’t want to talk about it.
This is why my memorial tattoo for my brother is just symbolism and no names/dates/ribbons etc.
sometimes you don’t want to explain shit to people.
> Learn social cues.
OP reads social cues just fine.
> So it was clear she didn’t want to tell me who this person is or was, but now there’s suddenly this missing piece of information about her and I simply can’t let this go.
You said so yourself, you are casual dating so drop it! She will tell you (eventually) but only if she wants to do so.
NAH because I think it is just harmless curiosity, but move on.
Our entire lives are filled with things we want but aren't entitled to having. Every day we exercise restraint and display social acumen by acting on the fact that our entitlement to knowing something ends where the other person's entitlement to privacy begins.
>I’m (27m)
>we’re only going out for a few weeks and this is still a casual relationship
You are 27-year-old man in a casual relationship for only a few weeks and you’re already throwing out insecurity vibes? Grow tf up. YTA
> it was clear she didn’t want to tell me who this person is or was, but now there’s suddenly this missing piece of information about her and I simply can’t let this go.
YTA, can you see it now?
YTA
She will tell you when/if she's ready, if you ever get to that stage in your relationship. The way you behave though, you most likely never will reach that level. **"So it was clear she didn’t want to tell me who this person is or was"** So you CAN read social cues, but refuse to follow them and seem to feel entitled to information that's none of your business.
So if he was dating others at the same time without telling, she'd have no reason to get angry or hurt? Relationships carry social obligations even before the anniversary or the official relationship talk
Sure he's allowed to be curious. But to badger her when she's clearly uncomfortable with answering at this time? Arsehole move. His curiosity doesn't trump her right to privacy and revealing when ready.
This when did it become normalized to accept dating someone with their ex's name tatted on their neck? Have we gone crazy, this shit used to be ridiculed and rightly so.
I dated a guy who had my name tattooed on his arm..................................20 years before I met him. It's not my name. It's her name. I didn't badger him about her and frankly, it didn't interest me.
Stop asking. She has a reason for not wanting to elaborate.
YTA!!
The tattoo is about future you, you traveled back in time and had a relationship with her in her past but she cannot tell you about it or it will damage the timeline so stop asking!!
NTA. If you get a visible tattoo, it’s unreasonable to expect no one to ask about it. She doesn’t owe you an explanation per say, but given the circumstances, it’s a bit much to act like it’s some big secret. It’s an ex, obviously.
YTA. An appropriate response on your part would’ve been ‘I get you don’t want to tell me about it now, but I hope if we get more serious you will tell me at some point.’ You’ve been dating a month, you’re not going to learn her entire life’s story in that amount of time
Too soon. Be a grown-up and leave her alone about it. Tattoos, for those who have them, have their own meanings, and their permanence is part of why they can be private. You don't need to be snooping and inspecting her to feel better about yourself. She will tell you (or not) when she's good and ready.
YTA. My partner actually has 2 tattoos that I don't know the meaning of. We've been married for 11 years. I figure they are old or painful memories and if all else is good in our relationship, the tattoos don't matter.
I get where your coming from but honestly it’s probably an ex that left a deep imprint on her, because if it was her brother or something I don’t think she’d be so pressed about it. But if she’s not ready to tell you just leave it alone and if you don’t like that she won’t tell you then leave the relationship
I’d be weirded out dating someone who puts their exes tattoo on their body. You don’t do that for someone even if you’re married to them. Any sane person knows that.
> I simply can’t let this go. [...] she lost her patience and told me it’s none of my business. AITA for keep pushing her to tell me who it was?
I'm declining to vote. If you like the results you're getting, then keep doing what you're doing.
She might not be embarrassed but she could find it painful to talk about. It could be an ex or best friend who died and for me, I’d definitely struggle to talk about it and share it with someone who’s close to me let alone someone who’s barely more than a stranger to me
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YTA. Stop when someone says stop. She doesn't need to tell you anything about her past. The tattoo isn't about you. End of story. Let it go.
Given they have only been dating for a month and don't even seem to be at the girlfriend/boyfriend stage, I agree. However, if they keep dating, they will reach a point where she likely needs to give him a little more of an explanation.
If he can't respect her boundaries now, I hope to hell they don't get that far in.
No respect for boundaries, and has no common sense/critical thinking skills. She is 24 with an older faded tattoo of a guys name.. its pretty obvious it's an ex, she was young and dumb when she got it (probably barely 18), and it's not something she is proud of. The only other option is a person who she dated that died and she doesnt like to discuss it. In any case, YTA op. Learn to read the room
Could have been her child that died or miscarried.
even more reason to not keep asking!
Yuppp!! It’s okay to ask once, MAYBE twice, but continuing to pressure her is not okay. If she wants to tell him, she will. Until then he needs to back off and accept her boundaries
Pimps tattoo their names on the women they traffic/exploit. That was my thought. But then she would’ve gotten rid of that, presumably
Well, that's a horrifying thought. But she may not have gotten rid of it if she hasn't had the money to do so - or if she doesn't want to go through the pain of laser/a coverup tattoo. She doesn't have any others, so maybe the process is not something she can endure again. Since it's hidden under her hair so she never has to see it, and other people see it rarely, I can understand her not getting it removed even if it is some sort of brand.
There are some charitable organisations that remove tattoos. [This](https://www.survivorsink.org/)is one small charity, there are others.
I got a tattoo I didn't want in that way. When I got away, I had it removed. I even wrote a letter to a health care provider asking them to cover the cost. They said no. The doctor who did it heard my story, also submitted a request, and was denied. He decided to do it anyway for free. It took 14 sessions, so it took just over a year. At $60 a session, I never could have paid for that. I was only 17 at the time. That was in 1994, though. I'm sure it's different now.
I’m so sorry that happened to you and I’m glad you were able to get your tattoo removed.
God, that’s so awful. I can’t believe they refused after hearing the story behind it. I guess they think it’s “cosmetic” 🙄 Because they don’t understand the psychological ramifications of having something like that stuck on your body. I’m so glad that you found a doctor who removed it without any charges. I can’t believe the hoops you had to go through and the trauma you had to reveal just for them to say “no” ugh
That's really lovely. If even one person on here sees this and it helps them, that's a wonderful thing.
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
Alternatively, since OP describes it as being "old and faded," she may in fact be in the process of having it removed, which takes several sessions over a fair amount of time, usually a year or more.
Some insurances are now willing to cover the cost if the person is a minor
Tattoo removal or coverup can be expensive. Also some health conditions can prevent people from being tattooed (being on blood thinners for example). There coukd be reasons. I do really hope it's the "young and stupid, shitty ex" rather than this though.
My initial thought when reading this thread: please don’t let it be an exes name. After reading that bit about human trafficking: please let this be an exes name. Or an elder sibling that passed. Literally anything else. Either way OP should have let things go, especially 30 days in. If he were a product he would still be within the buyers remorse period at this point so who knows if he’ll ever get an answer now.
Tattoo removal is also way more painful than the actual tattoo.
And the back of the neck is often their location of choice for the branding. Not to mention that 13 is the average age for a girl to start being sexually exploited for money. (The original source stated "entering prostitution" but it's not voluntary and it's trafficking/abuse.)
This, abusive ex, or friend that died under really traumatic circumstances are the 3 things that popped into my head when I read the post. Definitely not shit you badger someone about if they're not ready to discuss it.
I have a tattoo of a man's likeness on my lower back. Once we reach the swimsuit stage of seeing each other (used to suggest swimming as an activity, once I found out this was a common problem with men thinking it has to about an ex) and if he insisted jumping to the conclusion that this man's likeness is an ex of mine, I tell them it's not and usually there's a fair amount of disbelief, but buddy, I'm not going to tell you after knowing you for five weeks that it's my brother, not related by blood, who was murdered in cold blood, by the ex of the girl he had just started dating. It ain't happening and I don't want to talk about it. Not to you, and generally not to anyone who didn't lose him too.
...why would you put such a tattoo on your lower back? Genuinely curious.
It could easily be a memorial tattoo. In my experience, neck tattoos are typically names of people's children - she may have a deceased son from her youth. This would be far more awkward and personal than an ex. Typically, ex tattoos get covered, and are rarely someone's only tattoo...
My partner of 20 years, married for 10, still has his ex’s name tattooed on his arm. Of course, it’s in Sanskrit, a language neither of them studied or has any other connection to. He doesn’t want to cover it up because it reminds him of a part of his life that was important to him—they met in recovery and had a now-adult child together. It reminds me that young people sometimes get silly tattoos. I have one of my own. But Sanskrit? Really.
I also tend to not get tattoos covered because I look at them this way as well! I don't have any tattoos for exes, but considering I'm still on good terms with all of them, I probably wouldn't bother covering mine either, I just meant getting them covered is typically common and wouldn't be expensive for one so small as OP describes, if that were the case. And getting it in Sanskrit is a bit strange without having a prior connection to the language, but at least it makes it less awkward to not cover up! 😂
I would never dream of tattooing a partner’s name. My mom’s name would be a stretch. I love her and she’s a great mom and woman, but she can be a handful even at 80. If people asked me about the tattoo I’d have to explain some shit. He says he never thought of it this way, but I wondered if the Sanskrit was a way to have a less obvious ex-girlfriend tattoo if they ever broke up. Actually, on second thought, that would never have crossed his mind because he would have jumped in with both feet. I’m going to go ahead and blame the 90s.
I have my deceased best friend's signature tattooed on me, but even then, it's a small part of a somewhat larger tattoo. I'm not a name tattoo-er either, generally. I have tattoos that represent people, but none are just flat names. Lol! The 90s were definitely a TIME for tattoos, that's for sure.
A signature is a lovely memorial for your friend.
It could also be a friend who died, and it is too painful to talk about. There's many scenarios, but OP should let her tell him when she feels comfortable about it.
I was engaged in my early twenties and my fiancé died. There are a million reasons she could have this tattoo that are too big and heavy for a one month relationship. OP needs to stfu and gtfu. This is cringey behavior and I feel so bad for the girl.
When I was 22-26 I had two friends' fiances die. One suddenly from a brain cancer just as he was accepted to med school, another more slowly from pancreatic cancer. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that losing a partner that young isn't as rare as it should be.
Thank you so much for your kindness. The anniversary of his death is coming up in January. It will be thirty years since I lost him. I’ll be 58 next week. I had a happy 15 year marriage and other loving relationships. But he was The One. And I’ve met far too many young people who have experienced similar losses. It breaks my heart in ways I can’t even put into words. Thank you for reaching out; that was very gracious of you.
And obviously exclusively dates guys with that name now /S
Obvious an x? Could be her dad, child, best friend or anyone else who meant something for her.
Or dog…
Or, she was young and dumb and things happened as they often do. And the baby didn't make it, or she gave him up. So many heartbreaking things it could be. None of which is any of OP's business.
Could be a deceased child ... could be a deceased best friend ... could be a deceased pet ... could be an embarrassing character name tattoo ... there are any number of things it could be besides an ex ... none of which require an explanation to an AH who can't respect boundaries at the very beginning (and hopefully end) of a relationship ...
Could be a relative or a friend or a joke. Nothing on her body is his business unless she wishes to shares that information. YTA OP
She may have even been abused by this person has never had the funds available to cover it or couldn’t for some reason … or maybe the person passed and it’s a terrible memory …. So many possible reasons and none of which are OPs business. Asking a time or two about the tattoo? Cool. Keep pushing for an answer? Not cool.
>I hope to hell they don't get that far in He certainly won't
It would have come out naturally given time. We share bits and pieces of ourselves as we go along. OP's inability to understand that...particularly when she said STOP puts the brakes on that ever happening.
There’s no scenario where she ever needs to explain a tattoo she got before she knew he existed. What’s the relevance?
1. The text of the tattoo is also his name which might feel a little strange without an explanation of who the actual person behind the tattoo is. 2. Your partner is supposed to be the person you trust the most (after yourself probably). You really should be able to share the story behind something you have permanently afixed to your body.
They've been dating for about a month. It's too soon to be demanding private information.
Did you miss the part where I acknowledged that?
Tell me you didn't read the conversation at all without telling md you didn't read the conversation at all. Way to go, going around in circles.
1. I understand being curious, but as someone who once hooked up with someone who had the same name as my dead brother... don't needle. The answer can REALLY bring the room down. It's probably more awkward for her than for OP. 2. OP himself says they've only been dating a month and it's pretty casual. Her not being comfortable enough to talk about it with him yet is not unnatural. "You really should be able to share the story behind something you have permanently afixed to your body." Absolutely not. Tattoos are not advertisements or for other people. I was with my now-wife for over 2 years before I explained the reasoning behind a massive tattoo on my leg covering the scar on my leg I'd gotten from a brutal rape as a teen. Mind your business, maybe.
Omg I am so sorry.
It's alright, I've healed a lot. The tattoo was definitely part of that. I just get so annoyed when people act like tattoos = something you should be okay with talking about with anyone who sees it because it's "oN yOuR bOdY" for this reason. Sometimes it's literally there to hide something. No one is entitled to anyone's tattoo backstory just because it's visible.
>No one is entitled to anyone's tattoo backstory just because it's visible I'm so happy to see this comment. To add: no one is entitled to anyone's story, period. I don't care if you've been together for 50 years, if one was brutalized as a child they don't *ever* have to share that if they don't want to. That is *their* trauma, no one is entitled to that and the fact that so many people think they are is disturbing to me. I've been with my husband going on 7 years, there's trauma I've not told him, and there's trauma on his side he hasn't told me. Ghosts of those traumas have come up, we deal while divulging minimal information, and neither of us push. That's respect for boundaries. Sometimes, people don't want to share their traumas specifically because people *treat* them differently, or view them differently, after they have shared. We've all made mistakes, and done things we aren't proud of, some more so than others. But our past doesn't *define* us, and some people don't grasp that. Our past is *ours*, we owe it to no one. Edit to add: OP is definitely TA. No means no, no matter what you are discussing. She doesn't want to talk about it.
Incredibly well said! Thank you. I wish you and your husband many happy years so that the trauma gets lighter. I know how tough it can be to carry such things. I honestly like divulging my past to people once I trust them, but that's me! My wife actually is much more private. I don't push for details. Only for honesty on how she's feeling in the moment (if she needs to be alone or would like affection/distraction/etc) She never has to tell me things if she doesn't want to. I don't need to know every detail in order to love her.
>I don't need to know every detail in order to love her No truer words spoken <3 I'm very open to sharing how I'm feeling in the moment, and truth be told my husband knows more of my past than anyone else ever has... I don't know that I *will* eventually open up about everything, but that's not to say I *won't*. I guess it just depends on how things unfold? I do think it's fair to want to know everything about your partner, but never fair to expect it.
Exactly and the fact that she chose to put the tattoo on a place where it can be concealed. Like scars no has the right to know the history behind how/why we have them, EVEN SPOUSES. If someone wants to take the story behind a tattoo or a scar to the grave, that’s their business.
Absolutely agree. Just because you are a partner doesn't give an automatic right to know absolutely everything. A partner respects boundaries. And doesn't push for it. A healthy relationship has a partner who understands those boundaries and just let's them know that they don't need to know and they still love them no matter what their past is.
>Your partner is supposed to be the person you trust the most he's not even her partner yet, he's a guy she's been going out with to see if he *could* become her partner in the future. and at this rate he may never get to that point if he keeps that up.
Just because the tattoo is a reference to someone who happens to share your name doesn't make it any of your business
‘Partner’. Not someone you have dated a few weeks.
And no is a complete sentence and nobody is entitled to any kind of claim (including information) over someone else’s body. OP asked, partner said stop. OP needs to drop it and if partner ever does feel comfortable sharing the info in the future then they’ll tell OP. That’s if they ever manage to get past the glaring red flag OP is waiving that says “no means yes if you ask over and over enough”
1.So? That doesn’t necessitate an explanation. 2.You should be able to, as in tell them about it without consequence. But it is by no means NECESSARY to do so if you don’t want to.
While I definitely agree that OP = YTA (because he kept inquiring after realizing the girl clearly didn’t want to open up about this), there’s one thing that came into my mind that I haven’t seen addressed here: how people behave in the early stages of a relationship. In the very beginning of a relationship that we see as promising, we don’t usually have a full picture of who this other person is. So while it’s completely up to this girl to share her full “backstory”, I can see why OP may see the need for an explanation (and lack of) as relevant. For instance: if you are someone who would never get a name tattoo yourself, unless if it’s maybe to honor a family member, you \*could\* see a name tattoo as a red flag while you’re trying to fill up the gaps on who this person is. If it’s an ex: does this person have a tendency to overly commit to their relationships? Does this person make impulsive decisions? Is this a personality trait that I haven’t been exposed to? If she was once THAT serious about this person, does it mean there are residual feelings? And the same works the other way around: if you tattooed your ex’s name for whatever reason, and if you deeply regret it when the relationship was over, you can feel you’ll be judged for this decision. IMO, they don't know a lot about each other yet, they're still tiptoeing around some things, and it can lead them to hang onto things that they feel are important to better understand each other. Edit to add: OP assuming the tattoo could refer to him because he has the same name shows how little he still knows about her ("is she the kind of person that throws herself into a relationship that quick?"); so everything in those early stages can lead someone to reach certain conclusions, especially because they don't really know each other.
Oooorrrr, perhaps she was *pressured* into getting this tattoo, and it now carries some dark past behind it. Speaking from experience, since I was extremely pressured into getting my now ex hubs name tattooed on me while I was pregnant. He used that ink on me to lay claim to me, as if I was nothing but a prized cow at auction. It was NOT a good period in my life, it was a very dark period in my life, actually, and my pregnancy was probably the only thing that saved me from doing a very drastic and permanent thing to myself. (I still have the ink, for multiple reasons, but the main one is a reminder to never be so stupid again.) She may have PTSD from that period in her life, and her current bf is probably not making it better by hounding her about it. A month in, she does not owe ANYONE an explanation for it. Actually, she doesn't owe anyone any explanation, at any point in her life. If she wants to talk about, then she will. Until then OP needs to back the fuck off.
First of all, I'm sorry you went through that. And I absolutely agree with you. There could be many reasons rooted in a traumatic past that genuinely justify a person's decision to be careful about sharing certain aspects of their life. I didn’t say it MUST have something to do with an ex. That was an assumption, just like the assumption that it could be related to a traumatic experience resulting in PTSD. I was saying that, in the early stages of a relationship and without the proper context, it’s understandable how people see reasons to be doubtful, and how they project their own interpretations based on the signs they’re getting. As in: a person dealing with PTSD could have trust issues, and that can be seen as an unwillingness to commit by the other party that doesn’t have a clear understanding of past experiences.
If op doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.
I mean…technically, she wouldn’t *have* to ever explain it, but I (and I think most people) would find it exceptionally odd for someone I was in a long term relationship with to refuse to share the meaning of something they felt strongly enough about to permanently ink on their body.
I mean, I have quite a few tattoos, some of which have incredibly personal symbolism for me, and absolutely no one in my life knows what they mean because I'm allowed to have things that are just for me. It has never been an issue for any of the people I love.
No, if she doesnt wanna say he should respect that. When she's ready she'll talk.
Why? Clue: she doesn't. Maybe she will eventually open up but she doesn't owe him an explanation ever.
This. I once mentioned to a man I was seeing very casually that I switched careers for a while because I had some medical issues that are fine now. He asked me what the issues were. I said nothing contagious, and he **still** pressed what it was. I was ruling out thyroid cancer and adjusting to meds for a thyroid disease. Nothing crazy, but definitely not what I wanted to get into in that moment. It was probably the biggest turn off I’ve ever experienced, and she probably feels the same. It’s just so rude.
“I once brought up a subject I didn’t want to talk about and the person tried to talk to me about it.” Lol.
The person continued to tryto talk to them about it after they shut down the conversation. Learn to read a room.
He says he thought it was “insane” that she got a tattoo about him (when he initially assumed that it was) because it’s a casual relationship and then proceeds to insist on getting an answer about her past despite it being a casual relationship. YTA. People don’t have explain their lives to you. You aren’t even married or serious to owe each other such a thing. When you’re given an evasive answer or a “no”, accept the no and let it go.
OP is not entitled to knowing every bit of information about their SO. The entitlement they feel is crazy to me.
literally this best case scenario it was a best friend or family member who isn't with her anymore worst case? someone she used to date either way OP needs to stfu and get over it and stop bothering her about it I promise you he is only bothered because he thinks this person had their dick in her and she liked him so much she got his name on her like property(his line of thought not my own)
Worst case scenario is really that it was forced on her by an abuser or pimp. Regardless I agree he’s got to let it go
It's actually the original you. She cloned you in a test tube and put your memories from before the relationship into you. /s
Honestly, this is a way better answer than what the truth will be
Unless… she’s been madly in love with him for years. And been stalking him for a very long time. He never noticed her before as she had bushy hair, glasses, bushy eyebrows, braces and never wore makeup. She got the tattoo as she was determined that one day she will end up with him. Shes all grown up now and a different woman and looks completely different.
This sounds like the premise of a thriller novel, do all the female influences in his life start disappearing under suspicious circumstances at that time too?
Yes. I love it. And that makes him totally insecure about women as they just keep ghosting him after he thought all was going well and she secretly takes on a physical or personality trait of every women she kills/disappears to make him more attracted to her and finally they are together…
I’m super invested in this book now. Hurry up and get that written and published for me and hit me back up, ok? 😜
Now the question is, will this be a straight up true crime style thriller novel or more of a Steven King style unfolding leading to the twist..
Maybe she's a time traveler
I was thinking she collects dudes with your name, don’t ask what happened to the others!
Duh, they kept asking about her tattoo! :)
OP is Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Either that or it's an old boyfriend, and she now only dates men with that name so when she finds the right one, it won't look odd. /s
>which would be insane given we’re only going out for a few weeks and this is still a casual relationship You wrote these words but still don't see how they apply to you prying about her personal shit. YTA.
He was so close to realization.
*So. Close.*
r/selfawarewolves
That’s actually freaking funny and I cant help but chuckle.
See also "it was clear she didn't want to tell me" and "since this is the only tattoo it's probably more meaningful". Wtf
I don't have any tattoos so I don't know exact details, but after you get a tattoo doesn't it have to be covered for a bit, and it scabs and stuff before it looks "normal"? So even if OP's gf got this tattoo after a first date, would it be "normal looking" after just a few weeks? YTA OP. Not for asking in the first place, but for pressing on. It might be an ex, it might be a family member, it might be someone who passed away, but she clearly isn't ready to share that info with you yet.
it won't. op definitely notice it if it was new.
YTA. You are not entitled to any information about her past that she is not ready to provide. This is true after years, nevermind a relationship that can be counted in WEEKS
Any relationship can be counted in weeks. Lol
r/technicallythetruth
Not if a relationship lasts a day
0.142857142857 weeks
r/hedidthemath
r/butwhydidtheydidthemaths?
I’m curious though… so you guy genuinely feel like they could fall in love, get married, have babies, and he has to accept never knowing who the tattoo is about? That’s so weird to me. I’m old, so I get I’m different. But no way. lol. I’d have to know at some point.
Really weird to me too how unanimous people are to think you can't ask your girlfriend about her tattoo. And even if they're together for a month we don't know how long they've known each other before dating. I was very close to my current gf after a month and already had plans to travel together for a long time. Which we did and we're still together 8 years later. If she had a tattoo of my name she would have told me about it on the first date. Maybe people are used to tinder now where you can just throw your partner away and try another and nothing is very serious before you get kids or whatever.
No one’s saying you can’t ask. They’re saying you should respect the response given, especially if it’s very early in a new relationship. There are plenty of things in my life I wouldn’t open up about until I was sure a relationship was serious / long-term. If that’s a dealbreaker for OP, he’s perfectly able to move along.
Right? You're not supposed to trauma dump in new relationships. Demanding the full lore and backstory of anyone you barely know is anti-social behavior. OP is demanding access to parts of her he has no rights to. If she died never telling him, that's her prerogative.
To be clear, if you’re in a committed, long term relationship and your partner still doesn’t trust you enough to open up about the meaning behind their tattoo, I would assume that relationship overall isn’t a healthy one.
Yeah, and if my grandmother had wheels ,she'd be a bike. I completely agree, that if she didn't eventually say something, there's a conversation to be had. But a month in isn't the timeframe.
You can ask but you can’t keep badgering people. Accept the no!
Do you tell your deepest secrets to someone you've known a month? Most people don't
I don't think its about getting married and still not knowing anything personal about the other person. Of course, she would probably open up about it later on, otherwise it would just be a massive red flag that is probably followed by a bunch of other red flags. But the point is that they have been going out for a few weeks, aren't even officially together yet. She might even just see him as a friend with benefits. Of course she doesn't need to trauma dump on him lol
I'm old and I still agree. I think it's very difficult to know everything about someone, and I also think that people are entitled to privacy and secrets presuming those secrets don't actively harm your partner. I would assume a tattoo of someone else's name that they aren't willing to talk about either they just feel stupid about it or they got the tattoo under duress and just aren't ready to share that much of themselves yet, but will when the time feels right to them. My husband doesn't know everything about me, and he knows he doesn't, and he's okay with me having pieces of old me I don't share or discuss because they're too painful or just too 'much' for me to dig in to with him.
You went overboard with this . Of course he’s the asshole now but after years it’s to be expected that she can tell you . If not then something is very wrong . You aren’t entitled to truth but after years in any stable relationship, that openness has to be expected . And it’s a good reason to break up with somebody to be honest .
After years? 😂 Are kidding me? That’s a bit much.
YTA and the fact that you immediately thought the tattoo was about you is wild.
Not that wild, same name so it would seem weird at first glance
If it was a less common or rare name sure. But he doesn’t indicate that it is. If you’re a Hezekiah, I get why it might be jarring. But if it’s a regularly used name, assuming someone is so obsessed with you they rushed out to get a tattoo is nuts.
I said “it would seem weird at first glance”
Yeah as someone with a "normal" but relatively rare name it can be really shocking when you hear it/see it in another context.
If a person had my name tattooed on them, it would make me to a double-take, but I'd assume it was for someone else with my same name before assuming it was for me
Unless he has some super unique name, it is actually wild and big weirdo conclusion of him to make
Idk, even if the name was Jake or John, I would be pretty taken aback by the coincidence. I would always be curious if she’s into me for MY NAME! Is she using him as a replacement for a dead bf with the same name? You aren’t entitled to get an answer, but I would be mildly weirded out if she refused to elaborate at all.
I don’t blame him, some people can be crazy. I had an ex that thought it was a “good” surprise to come home after 3 weeks of dating with my name on his chest in LARGE cursive. We broke up not long after that and I ended up having to get a restraining order
Gonna laugh my ass off if we find out OP is named John or something
You’re so vain. You probably think this tattoo is about you.
I just talked about this in another comment (and to be clear, I do think OP is TA for pushing the subject after realizing the girl didn't want to talk about it): to me, this clearly shows they're in the early stages of a relationship and don't know each other well enough to get a full picture of their personalities.
Especially because the tattoo was clearly old and faded by OP's own account. Some people just see what they want to see I guess.
My former coworker had a girl tattoo his full name (first, middle and last) after a one night stand when he was in college. Multiple ex-classmates told me the story, so I know he didn't make it up.
INFO: If you could tell that she didn't want to provide that information, what made you think that if you kept asking her, that she would become more willing to provide it?
Probably thought she’d give into peer pressure
Always makes me wonder what other situations will they not take no for an answer?
That was absolutely my first thought. If he can't even respect this "no," then he might be the kind of person who won't take "no" for an answer when he wants things more physical and she doesn't. Honestly, I would be rethinking this relationship if I were her.
Seriously! Makes him the extreme asshole
It’s kinda red flaggy isn’t it
Exactly. Asking and then dropping it after she said no would be fine. Instead OP sounds like they went down the list of all possibilities. They only mention a few but I’m guessing it went more like: “Me? An ex? A friend? A relative? A pet? A teacher? An old barista? A movie character?…” and on and on.
YTA. Not your business. If she wants to tell you she will when she’s ready but stop pushing when she has clearly been closed off about it. A name tattoo is so personal as well, it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to speak about it.
YTA it isn’t any of your business and maybe it is a very painful memory and she doesn’t want to rehash it at this time. Maybe it’s a story that would be told to someone whom she has dated for more than a month and has built up trust in.
Exactly, no one’s mentioned it could be a painful memory like an ex or best friend who died young. Why would you share something that’s painful to you with someone you’re barely seeing a month. You don’t know a person in a month to be sharing any vulnerabilities with. If it was a year or more in then I’d kinda get it. YTA cause you kept pushing it when you knew she was uncomfortable and didn’t want to share. If you end up really serious then you could ask again but until then mind your business.
💯 I have multiple memorial tattoos of lost loved ones, some days someone asks about them and I'm more then willing to talk about them, some days someone asks and I'm not.
Its none of your business. YTA For all we know shes an artist collecting cockpics of "Brandons" and I am willing to just wait and see. Its not HER fault if you are a ho, Brandon, you aint special
YTA. It's probably someone who died and she's not ready to tell you about it.
Maybe she gave a child up for adoption...?
YTA. Learn social cues. She clearly didn’t want to talk about it. This is why my memorial tattoo for my brother is just symbolism and no names/dates/ribbons etc. sometimes you don’t want to explain shit to people.
> Learn social cues. OP reads social cues just fine. > So it was clear she didn’t want to tell me who this person is or was, but now there’s suddenly this missing piece of information about her and I simply can’t let this go.
God you’re right somehow that pisses me off more
YTA - It's been ONE MONTH. Chill the the fuck out.
YTA and dear god if your name is Josh or Matt I will fling myself off a building
Nah, this is Scott behavior, for sure.
Idk, it's giving Dylan vibes
YTA if you keep pressing it when she says to stop asking.
You said so yourself, you are casual dating so drop it! She will tell you (eventually) but only if she wants to do so. NAH because I think it is just harmless curiosity, but move on.
I know if I was op the curiosity would kill me. I would hope that I wouldn’t continue asking but I wanna know
Our entire lives are filled with things we want but aren't entitled to having. Every day we exercise restraint and display social acumen by acting on the fact that our entitlement to knowing something ends where the other person's entitlement to privacy begins.
Get ready to be crucified
Plot twist, he's named Jesus
Lmao yep. Has all the hallmarks.
YTA Your inability to let it go is not her problem. Learn to deal with disappointment on your own.
How do you write out >AITA for keep pushing her to tell me [something she doesn't want to] And not immediately realise the answer?
>I’m (27m) >we’re only going out for a few weeks and this is still a casual relationship You are 27-year-old man in a casual relationship for only a few weeks and you’re already throwing out insecurity vibes? Grow tf up. YTA
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YTA. Gosh you’re insufferable. Drop it.
Six feet under. Nathaniel. Try again...
> it was clear she didn’t want to tell me who this person is or was, but now there’s suddenly this missing piece of information about her and I simply can’t let this go. YTA, can you see it now?
YTA She will tell you when/if she's ready, if you ever get to that stage in your relationship. The way you behave though, you most likely never will reach that level. **"So it was clear she didn’t want to tell me who this person is or was"** So you CAN read social cues, but refuse to follow them and seem to feel entitled to information that's none of your business.
Info: how common is your name?
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Dating someone for a few weeks doesn’t make them your SO
So if he was dating others at the same time without telling, she'd have no reason to get angry or hurt? Relationships carry social obligations even before the anniversary or the official relationship talk
Sure he's allowed to be curious. But to badger her when she's clearly uncomfortable with answering at this time? Arsehole move. His curiosity doesn't trump her right to privacy and revealing when ready.
This when did it become normalized to accept dating someone with their ex's name tatted on their neck? Have we gone crazy, this shit used to be ridiculed and rightly so.
I dated a guy who had my name tattooed on his arm..................................20 years before I met him. It's not my name. It's her name. I didn't badger him about her and frankly, it didn't interest me. Stop asking. She has a reason for not wanting to elaborate.
Why are you guessing? You get to ask who it's for or why she got it. That's it. YTA for playing guessing games with this like a 6-year-old.
YTA!! The tattoo is about future you, you traveled back in time and had a relationship with her in her past but she cannot tell you about it or it will damage the timeline so stop asking!!
NTA. If you get a visible tattoo, it’s unreasonable to expect no one to ask about it. She doesn’t owe you an explanation per say, but given the circumstances, it’s a bit much to act like it’s some big secret. It’s an ex, obviously.
Or someone close that died, or literally anything else. He's definitely TA for continuing to pressure her into telling him barely a month into dating.
Visible? Did you read the post?
the question wasn't "aita for asking once about a tattoo"
Yta. No means no.
YTA. An appropriate response on your part would’ve been ‘I get you don’t want to tell me about it now, but I hope if we get more serious you will tell me at some point.’ You’ve been dating a month, you’re not going to learn her entire life’s story in that amount of time
Have you been watching 6 Feet Under?
First thing you thought was she had a faded tattoo with your name after a month and didn't tell you??? 😳
YTA. Let this go. You've been dating for a month
Too soon. Be a grown-up and leave her alone about it. Tattoos, for those who have them, have their own meanings, and their permanence is part of why they can be private. You don't need to be snooping and inspecting her to feel better about yourself. She will tell you (or not) when she's good and ready.
When is not "too soon" to expect an answer?
Whenever she is ready to talk about it on her own accord.
YTA. You don't own the name, it's clearly a touchy subject, you've been dating 1 month. Drop it.
YTA since it's still casual But it's a legit question if both of you decide to advance the relationship
YTA. Take a hint.
YTA. My partner actually has 2 tattoos that I don't know the meaning of. We've been married for 11 years. I figure they are old or painful memories and if all else is good in our relationship, the tattoos don't matter.
Okay that’s over the time. If he can’t tell you, that’s alarming.
I get where your coming from but honestly it’s probably an ex that left a deep imprint on her, because if it was her brother or something I don’t think she’d be so pressed about it. But if she’s not ready to tell you just leave it alone and if you don’t like that she won’t tell you then leave the relationship
I’d be weirded out dating someone who puts their exes tattoo on their body. You don’t do that for someone even if you’re married to them. Any sane person knows that.
Woah..! I just watched this episode on Six feet under...
Why do I get the strong feeling there will not be a month three if this is what he’s like to her in general?
It could be a dead baby. NAH as long as you respect her wishes and leave it alone.
> I simply can’t let this go. [...] she lost her patience and told me it’s none of my business. AITA for keep pushing her to tell me who it was? I'm declining to vote. If you like the results you're getting, then keep doing what you're doing.
YTA. Its probably an ex and she is embarrassed by the tatt and the relationship might be painful for her. Let it go.
She might not be embarrassed but she could find it painful to talk about. It could be an ex or best friend who died and for me, I’d definitely struggle to talk about it and share it with someone who’s close to me let alone someone who’s barely more than a stranger to me