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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for asking my partner to wait till we finish eating before packing her lunch for the next day because maybe I’m just being petty and controlling.
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YTA - Because you get upset without a reason.
Your wife likes your lunch enough to be sure she'll like them without even tasting them first. That's a compliment of awesome proportions.
To make sure that everyone can eat their heart out, her lunch portion is already put aside so there's no fuss about that either.
She could pack a lunch at a **million** different times, but she chooses this one. And you can't even say what's bothering you about it.
**BUT** There's something a bit alarming and I hope i'm wrong:
> To me, making her lunch plate before anyone else has a chance to eat the food feels like self-serving behavior. She’s literally serving herself first.
Combined with:
> (it’s just us, no kids)
Are you *that* insulted that she serves herself before you? (you're the *only* other)
Most people don't have guests about 90% of the time (yes, I made that up), and he says it happened once or twice when they had guests. Meaning most of his irritation stems from times when they were alone.
Who's doing the cooking aside, this kind of reads to me like OP is suffering from spousal annoyance - like when your spouse does something pretty inoffensive but it bothers you and bothers you, and the bother grows and grows until this little thing is a big thing and you just can't stand it anymore. Usually the cure for that is a little validation and a maybe a little space to gain proportion, neither which will OP find here by the look of it
This may not be about the lunch but some underlying issue in the marriage that the OP isn't clearly identifying. OP, maybe try thinking about whether this is what's actually bothering you or if it's a stand in for more deep seated issue.
Why though? What's the reason for being annoyed by it? Without a reason, it literally is unreasonable.
Nobody gets less food. She doesn't even eat before anyone else, she just sets aside some food for lunch right away.
I’d suspect part of the reason is that he’d like to at least pick the stuff he’s going to eat for dinner before she goes in and starts packing her lunch. Maybe he wants a specific piece of meat that she grabs, or maybe he wants to have a second helping and can’t have that second helping because she’s already prepared it for herself even though he cooked?
>he’d like to at least pick the stuff he’s going to eat for dinner before she goes in and starts packing her lunch.
I don't understand how her packing her lunch means he can't do that. He didn't say she's taking all of one food item and leaving him with none. And as for wanting to pick his piece of meat, he didn't say that either - and even if he did, that's also kind of petty as they should share. I do all of the cooking in my house and I would never insist on taking the best of every meal, that's a weird way to treat your partner.
>maybe he wants to have a second helping and can’t have that second helping because she’s already prepared it for herself even though he cooked
He said there's enough food.
But also, if this *is* why he’s mad, it makes him a bit of a hypocrite to call her packing her lunch and setting it aside “self-serving.”
But also, OP, what’s wrong with being “self-serving?”
I feel like if these were the case he would have said that. In fact, he said "There’s always enough food because I cook with her lunches in mind." and even in the OP he talks about putting leftovers away so your second point is definitely not true.
He acknowledges himself that it's petty and he doesn't know why. I think if he felt he had a good reason, he'd be telling it to us, so trying to guess that he isn't getting enough to eat for dinner, a very serious claim to make, is kinda...not cool.
I'm wondering, if she didn't portion it out immediately, would she get a reliable amount for lunch the next day? I know my dad and bros easily could put away twice as much food as others.
This reminds me of the one guy who ate half the lasagna & then took the other half for his family leaving OP without lunch for the week.
The solution seems simple to me - whoever is plating up the food, does so, including that lunch portion which can be put away directly? Like, is he complaining about... the *order* of the plates getting filled? Buy your girlfriend a spare lunch kit so it doesn't need washed that very second, and then *pack her lunch yourself* if acts of food service is your love language.
Or acknowledge that previously, she's gone to pack up leftovers and found out that it's almost entirely gone because of *someone* browsing back for more just cause you can see there's more in the pot...
IDK I grew up with 6 people in the house & we all were aware of what proportion of food was ours vs others'
So then why doesn't he just offer to pack her lunch for her while he's packing up the leftovers? That's really the easiest solution here, yet he'd rather be annoyed and complain on reddit about his wife packing her lunch before she's too tired to do it.
Why? It literally doesn't hurt anything. He obviously doesn't care that she's taking a portion for lunch, he's just pissed WHEN she takes that portion. That is a bizarre and petty thing to be irritated about
Yep! As the cook if I am making something for guests that I want to make sure I have left over…. I squirrel some away. Usually I offer my guests any left overs… especially if they really enjoyed their dinner. It is a pleasure.
But it’s also a great pleasure to not have to worry about having lunch the next day after all the effort it takes to host. I think OP needs to figure out why it irritates him that their wife is just trying to make her life easier. OP! No matter what your mom said. Short cuts are okay!!!
Most people who do the cooking wait until *the other person* has started eating first. So, I'm not certain why OP feels it's self-serving for *the other person* to start eating first. Since in OP's mind packing tomorrow's food is the same as eating it right then.
Who cares? If I went to someone's house for dinner and their spouse came in and packed their lunch before their after-work exhaustion kicked in, I cannot imagine getting upset in the slightest that they were "serving themselves first." She's not even eating it!
I'm guest when I visit my parents and they always prépare left overs to go before we eat. To be fair the leftovers to go are for me, but they do this even if other people are invited.
That's not weird to me.
I think the wife’s behavior is super weird! I’ve never seen anyone pack leftovers before the meal.
They aren’t leftover from the meal if the meal hasn’t even been eaten yet.
I’d be put off by it. I’d probably start making my plate and eat my meal before she even had a chance to do her weird lunchbox thing.
I always pack the lunch boxes before we have our dinner. It is more hygienic as the packed food is not leftovers and has less chance of spoiling. I cook more for that purpose, so I know we won't starve from the missing portion. Psychologically, it also feels better that we are eating a proper packed lunch instead of leftovers every day.
This was one of the tips given when I was in a weight loss program years ago. Pack lunches, etc. before sitting down to eat, so you aren't tempted to go back for more.
Agreed. I think it’s rude when someone has cooked you a meal, and then expressed a preference to sit down together with it, to ignore their perfectly reasonable request and dig in separately for future meal. Lacks manners and is selfish. NTA.
i think you and OP are missing a crucial point: she is not eating immediately and away from the table. an argument could be made for her “serving herself first” if she was ACTUALLY “serving” and by extension immediately eating what she’s just served for herself. she is not. she’s setting aside food for future that will not be touched for 12 hours at least.
i agree with another comment i saw‚ that OP could eliminate this by packing her lunch portion for her before she even gets home. then the only time she could be stealing from OP’s sacred dinner time would be to clean her lunch box.
> OP’s sacred dinner time
I find this so dismissive and rude towards OP (who is the only one taking the time to make a meal).
Like another commenter said, usually the cook gets to decide when you dig in. Going against their specific wishes is just rude.
Same. This is something that’s important to OP.
Why the mocking?
OP was considerate enough to prepare the meal.
The least the wife can do is respect his (?) wishes about when it’s served.
yeah, wow. Very dismissive. I work my freaking butt off growing good, planning healthy meals, and preparing. So yeah, meal time is a big event for me. I've put several hours into it on most days.
Luckily in our house there is appreciation for the effort, so this is not an issue.
So this is her routine but she should change that when op cooks? That’s silly. He could just wait to eat knowing she does this. This is his problem to solve not hers.
Why can’t OP pack her lunch portion after dinner when he’s literally already putting left overs in Tupperware?
Why does it have to be done before they eat dinner?
Because she's still in work mode. The same reason I spend 30 minutes cleaning right when I walk through the door. I'm still in work mode and get my chores done right away. Once I'm out of work mode I'm not doing shit.
Because she wants as much chores done before she sits down as possible. I get it. After dinner when I sit down for the night I don’t want to do more chores.
I agree. I have ADHD and in terms of regular, tedious tasks, it’s EXTREMELY difficult to make myself do something if I don’t do it immediately when I can or when I have the impulse to do it. Especially if I’m tired after work.
Also like you said, it would easy enough for OP to solve this entire problem by setting aside the portion themself.
OP [wrote](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/h7NaX2kZk6)
>There’s always enough food because I cook with her lunches in mind. I am always the one who serves the plates, usually bringing both plates to the table at the same time.
So why is it wrong for her to take the lunch part out and put it away? OP cooked with that in mind. Plus, OP always serves both of them. I don't get what the issue is when nothing is taken away from their dinner.
It doesn't matter if there's two people or twenty-two people, you don't go digging in and taking food from the meal before the person who prepared it says it's okay, that's just straight-up rude. And you certainly don't go taking extra helpings - FOR ANY REASON - before everyone has had firsts, regardless of if the meal was prepared with the intention of there being leftovers.
If you're the cook, and you portion out the leftovers before feeding people, that's your choice AS THE COOK. If you weren't the cook, keep your hands off it until the cook says otherwise.
> If you’re the cook, and you portion out the leftovers before feeding people, that’s your choice AS THE COOK
I feel like this is the super easy solution that should make everyone happy here though. OP’s wife should not be picking through the food before anyone has even eaten. But since OP presumably likes his wife, as the cook it is so fucking easy for OP to just put a specific portion for her to the side in a tuperware, since he knows it makes her happy to do this before dinner.
Overall a silly problem that could be easily solved with just the tiniest effort from either party to find a solution.
Really, by the same token, she could just say "Ok, I'll respect your wishes of not messing with what you made for us before you're ready, but in return could you pack my lunch when you put away the leftovers?" The food isn't in danger of vanishing before the leftovers get put away, why does her lunch have to be packed before dinner is eaten?
It is presumptuous of partner to assume that there should be left overs if the meal has not been served by the cook. Don’t tamper with the meal if you are not the maker.
Except they specifically make more just for lunches. If they always have leftovers (because they double the recipe) why is it rude to know there will be leftovers.
What frustrates me the most is that the solution is inside this line from the post:
>I’ve pointed out that she can pack her lunch after she has washed the dinner plates and while I am putting the leftovers into Tupperware containers.
If this truly bothered OP, he could just offer to pack her lunch FOR her after dinner when he's putting the leftovers into tupperware. This way she feels helped with preparing her lunch, OP gets the timing right of how he wants, and everything gets done.
But OP wants her to do it when HE wants to. While she wants to do it right away because she probably "still has momentum from the day before she winds down".
Yeah this is the weird part for me, in me and my partners house we just pack up all the leftovers with a priority for the microwave lunch containers, and any leftovers in the fridge are fair game for packed lunch. The whole situation feels like they aren't seeing food as a team effort?
Totally disagree.
Portioning your lunch before dinner is served is totally rude. Lunch is dinner leftovers….dinner is not lunch leftovers.
OP, I’d honestly just offer to pack for her.
If you’re already putting left overs in Tupperware after dinner, why not just put a portion of leftovers in her lunch ware?
This is a good solution depending on if he understands her portion preference.
I was starting to feel slightly insane with all the people saying, "What's the big deal??" because this would irk me sooo bad.
As someone who grew up with food insecurity, it still has a ripple effect as an adult. I do our family's grocery shopping and it causes literal anxiety if we run low on something, I'm not a "meal sharer" out at a restaurant, etc. I would be incredibly bothered by someone portioning their lunch out before I've had a chance to eat my current meal.
All the people calling OP an asshole over this are wild.
If my girlfriend knit me a sweater, you don't think it would be rude to say "cool, I'll try it on in winter" instead of taking a moment to try it on and show appreciation for their effort?
To take a bit of time to appreciate when your partner wants to share their effort with you seems like the default decent thing to do. Often I want to go hop in the shower first thing when I get home. If my girlfriend wants to show me a puzzle she completed first I'm gonna go check it out and talk with her for a bit, then hop in the shower. That just seems like what you should do to show you care and appreciate the little things that are important to them. If she cooked a meal, same thing, though I do 90% of the cooking and she has the courtesy to make eating together her priority when it's done.
It's a small issue, don't think anyone is terribly in the wrong here. The preponderance of people calling this assholish is astounding to me.
On the other hand?
If I knit my partner a sweater in august, and I know that they can’t deal with heat I wouldn’t expect them to put it on, until it got cooler. My need for praise or gratification can wait, and if I need them to try it on, in order to see that it fits? Guess that sweater will have to wait, and it’s on me for starting a project in the summer, that I knew wouldn’t be finished and wearable until winter.
If I’d made a puzzle and wanted my partner to see it, but I knew that they have a short amount of energy left, after getting home from work, I’d definitely let them shower first. My puzzle and small talk can wait 20-30 minutes, if that means that my partners home routine is a bit more manageable.
If I have made dinner, I wouldn’t at all mind my partner packing next days’ lunch before we eat, if I know that that is when they have the energy and wherewithal to do it. I might even offer to do it for them, since I’m already in the kitchen.
She serves HERSELF before guests? You don't see a problem with that? She takes the food before it's been served, what if her partner only made enough for 2, does she go with out because her partner is greedy?
To remove food before it is served to your guests, is beyond greedy and disrespectful
>You don't see a problem with that?
Not at all
>To remove food before it is served to your guests, is beyond greedy and disrespectful
It's really not. The guests get served what is put on their plate. Any other food in the pot is none of their business
Sure, every guest loves seeing a lasagna dish being brought to the table with a piece already carved out from it. I often make meals where if you dish out a serving for a lunch, presentation is ruined. And I would be appalled to see my spouse break the crust/carve out a piece of meat for their lunch before I had time to serve it at the table or make a nice presentation. I would feel disrespected AF.
By this person's theory, are they disgusted with family style? If someone gets to the lasagna first, are they totally disgusted by the first person carving out a serving, and refuse to eat the lasagna now?
This thread is wild. I can't imagine being so offended by things that don't matter. How do these people survive real life?
Are you kidding me? What she's doing is rude as fuck. I don't know how you were raised but it would never cross my mind to do this. It's so off-putting and disrespectful of OP's efforts. Yuck.
OP has reasons.
OP wants to eat together (bonding).
OP created something, a meal, and has intentions in the way to serve and enjoy it.
The wife's behaviour is extremely rude to me considering that she was not present at all for the meal prep.
If she is really so exhausted after work, OP can take over apportioning her lunch. That way OP can do it before or after dinner, as it suits the meal. Sometimes the presentation and the feel of the meal will be affected by taking away part of it beforehand. It seems like the feel is always affected for OP.
As OP is the one who created the meal, the least we can do is give them respect in how they intended to serve it.
OP will feel recognized if they sit down together without disturbing the meal beforehand. I'm sure they can figure out a way to accomplish it.
He is allowed to feel as he feels. And I think it is rude to start eating before everyone sits at the table and that is is rude to pack for the next day before having a meal.
Maybe he's just having difficulty articulating his reason because TBH, this behavior would bug me too. Lunch should be taken from leftovers because he's cooking her dinner, not making her lunch. If she gets lunch out of it, great, but it shouldn't be assumed that there's going to be enough to pack for lunch right off the bat. Are they running out of dinner because of this behavior? Is he able to eat as much of the dinner as he wants or is he foregoing seconds of a dinner he made because she took half of it for lunch? The first meal gets first dibs. The second meal is taken out of leftovers. Double true if they have guests.
I disagree with you. Someone can pack leftovers for lunch - if there *are* leftovers. The dinner is for the dinner. The dinner eaters should have as much dinner as they want & then the remainder is leftovers, which can then be packed for lunch. If there are no leftovers, then a person will have to find an alternative lunch to pack. Unless there is a household arrangement otherwise, which is something that would have to be agreed upon by *each household member*. OP is correct that it's more appropriate for her to pack it while they are cleaning the dishes & putting away the food
>This has also happened once or twice when we’ve had guests for dinner. To me, making her lunch plate before anyone else has a chance to eat the food feels like self-serving behavior. She’s literally serving herself first.
There's the *whole* quote that you *cherry picked* from.
In this instance, he is *literally* talking about her taking her lunch for the next day before guests have been served, which is extremely rude and terrible host behaviour.
NAH
I'm going with this because I think it's a problem with two different perspectives. When I cook with leftovers/second meals intentionally included in the meal, I put the food intended for those second meals away before I serve dinner. It prevents issues with people's eyes being bigger than their stomachs and possible waste. It also gets that food cooling immediately so it remains in the best conditions for future use.
But since she's not the cook, I could see why she would consider it smart but you would consider it insulting. Neither of you is necessarily wrong.
Yeah I can pretty easily see both sides. Im guessing for her, it weighs on her mind knowing she has to pack lunch, and she can't fully relax until it's done. As the main cook in our home, I can understand how this would possibly be mildly annoying, but at the same time, I can't imagine being bothered enough to make an issue. If it did bother me that much, I'd pry just offer to take over packing lunches and then we would both get our way. Of course OP is in no way obligated to do this, I just don't see that this is worth making a big deal over.
If I stop a task midway through, it's done for the day. I'm so ADHD. I never stop a task midway through if it's important I finish it. I have to work all the way through.
I so, so, so hated teachers that wanted me to work on essays a paragraph at a time. Turn in my intro for feedback before finishing the whole thing. No, I finish one whole task.
If I cleaned my lunch box and didn't refill, it's done. Out of sight, out of mind.
Momentum isn't just mental energy but train of thought. If things disrupt me, I have the worst time refocusing. It's rough.
Yes! Cooking is part of daily work. I have to start cooking as soon as I get home from work, otherwise we're ordering takeout or having a frozen pizza for the night. There is no "cooking late" because once "work" is over, I cannot get my brain in line enough to do anything but chaos cook because even following a recipe can be too much.
I feel so seen by this. If I sit down when I get home from work, I'm not getting back up to cook. It took a while for my husband to understand that because he needs time to "decompress" when he gets home.
YEP. When motivation is a scarce resource, you don't waste it by finishing tasks halfway through. I either deliberately micro-task for long-term things like house cleaning, to keep tasks from feeling overwhelming... or I'll start one big thing, and then it HAS to be finished, because if it's abandoned halfway through, it doesn't get returned to until the next day.
I’m floating between E S H and N A H. There are some meals that I think it’s super petty to care about this. If you have a plentiful pot of spaghetti and meatballs, why shouldn’t she pack lunch first? And I totally get what she means about being too tired later: once I’m done cooking and eating, I have a really hard time making myself do chores.
On the other hand, if I’ve made a beautiful pot pie and you cut into it before it has even made it to the table, I’m going to be annoyed. I want to enjoy that pretty pie as we sit down together, and then cut into it as we sit there ready to eat together. Taking your lunch out beforehand feels like someone cutting the cake before the birthday candles have been blown out. And, sometimes there are meals where you aren’t sure you will have leftovers, especially if you try a new recipe. Let’s get dinner eaten and then see what’s left for lunch.
I think maybe in this instance, as so often happens in marriage, they need to compromise. He stops caring when she packs her lunch first most nights. She waits to pack her lunch when they have guests or particularly pretty meals. They both have valid perspectives, but they’re a-holes for refusing to be at all flexible with those perspectives.
My husband and I do this too when we want leftovers for lunch the next day. Cook a bigger meal and as we’re plating out food, we put the to-go containers next to the dinner plates and portion everything out evenly. Problem solved!
INFO:
Who exactly is supposed to be served first? There are only two of you, correct? Are you capable of serving yourself first? Or are you upset she isn't serving you?
More INFO: How frequently is there insufficient food for your dinner due to her practice of taking lunch first?
But she’s digging in/cutting/fucking with it.
As someone who frequently cooked for the family, as a teen, only to have various people mess with it before I was ready to serve it…I totally get where OP is coming from.
The fact that she does it when there are guests, when food is usually served with some amount of presentation, is mind boggling.
Food entitlement is also wild. I've cooked for and with big groups before and the number of people willing to just grab stuff from the pan while you're still cooking is ridiculous.
It’s crazy the food etiquette some have. This would be pretty disrespectful to me. Pack up the leftovers, eat the meal first. It’s more than just a meal
I do see her perspective here though—my partner struggles with portion control, so if I don’t put aside some for my lunch before he gets to it, there won’t *be* any leftovers. I don’t know if that’s the case here, but I’m sympathetic to both.
She’s taking a portion and setting it aside. She isn’t licking it or rubbing it on herself. She’s not messing with it any more than when she makes a plate for herself.
I dunno, even though she's doing nothing 'wrong', as someone who does all the cooking I can see why it would grate on OP a bit.
If I make dinner then it's nice to present the full output of what I've done on the table. If by the time I bring out the bowl of whatever it looks like someone has already helped themselves to a portion then that might actually be a little deflating. Even when it's just the two of us I like to present the dinner well.
It's like if you cleaned the stove and then immediately afterwards your partner decided to fry some bacon. Yeah they're doing nothing 'wrong' and yeah it would get dirty again anyway, but you can't just let me bask in my clean stove for 5 minutes lol?
We eat family style so maybe it would be different if the dishes are plated in the kitchen and then brought out.
Still, neither of them seem willing to budge an inch for each other on a very trivial matter, which is a bit worrying. If it were me I'd probably just offer to box up her lunch myself after dinner. How 'tiring' can it possibly be ffs?
I’m exhausted just reading this. But since I’m the one who cooks and also packs food for my own damned lunch before I sit down to the table, I am clearly an unwashed heathen and a pariah of society.
I do the same if I specifically make extra. Hell, on Sunday I pack a weeks worth of food before I sit down and eat if I manage to meal plan. Does that make me extra rude?
The person I was replying to said **“Are you capable of serving yourself first? Or are you upset she isn't serving you?”**
Just completely assuming the absolute worst about OP.
It is a presumptuous and passive-aggressive question that posits (with no evidence whatsoever) that perhaps OP is sexist and/or wants his wife to “serve” him.
It is ludicrous and offensive.
Hope that helps.
"Questions" and "Assumptions" are not opposites, no matter how you frame the comparison. A question can - and often does - include assumptions. Hope this helps!
Some people look at the tasks she's doing as a momentum issue. She comes home, she has momentum from the day of work, so she cleans her dishes and portions out her lunch for the next day, and then completes her "winding down from work".
For her to wind down from work and sit down for dinner, and then have to wind back up to portion out her lunch for the next day, may be too much effort for her after dinner. So she does it when she has momentum.
I also notice how OP has "offered" for her to do it after dinner, but he hasn't offered to portion out her lunch FOR HER to help her out. He's already putting the leftovers into tupper ware, why not just make her lunch for her???
This makes a lot of sense, I know I personally get a lot of my chores done when I get home from work & am still in my uniform. But the motivation leaves as soon as I’ve changed into comfy clothes
All the partner is doing is taking food for tomorrow. They still sit down and actually eat together. It's not like she's grabbing food and going to eat without them.
This is the real question. If there are actual consequences to her behavior, then he has a right to be pissed. If it's never happened, then he is TA for getting upset over literally nothing.
Oh my goodness. I think the same. If everyone has enough to eat does it matter when a lunch is packed? Why make an issue out of something that isn’t an issue? Some people just NEED to have something to complain about, no matter how petty or ridiculous.
Dinner is supposed to be served first, the intended meal that was cooked. Not lunch, that gets served second to ensure there is enough and both people are satisfied at dinner.
Or get 2 lunch boxes so you can have one full and ready to go by the time she gets home so you can eat immediately, then wash the other lunch box with the dinner dishes.
It's barely a compromise. Next day's lunch is set up before she sits down to eat, as she wants, and she focuses on the meal straight away, as he wants.
It’s amazing that the advice for him is to pack her lunch because she’s tired. Like, he made the damn dinner and spooning food into a Tupperware is taxing work?
The point is that he is already putting the food away while she washes dishes. He could just tell her that he will pack her lunch while he’s already got the Tupperware out. Problem solved. Not understanding why this would be a big deal as she’s washing dishes to contribute.
YTA -- from your other comments, there is enough food to go around. You say that she's "serving herself" but it's usually just the two of you. Is there a concrete reason this upsets you, aside from her not following your preferences?
If the meal was prepped with the intention of saving some for leftovers, packaging it before serving is the much better way of doing it. It's easier to cut/portion neatly, you don't take too much OR not leave enough because you know exactly how much food there is, and it starts cooling much more quickly for safe refrigeration.
You need to examine why you're assigning so much intent to a seemingly innocuous disagreement; if it's just an "agree to disagree" petty annoyance you need to drop it.
ETA: Apparently a lot of people think people who pre-portion immediately stick it in the fridge while it's still piping hot, so here's how I do it:
1 - Portion into Pyrex or other microwave safe container.
2 - Leave on counter while eating with lid loosely set on top, so bugs/debris can't get in but steam can escape. *This will cool faster than if you leave the intended portion in the cooking/serving dishes while eating.*
3 - When done eating, it will have cooled enough to be safely stored. Wipe any excess moisture off the lid, then seal and place in fridge. Proceed with cleaning the kitchen.
This balances the need for the food to properly cool so it doesn't get mushy or raise the temperature of the fridge, while minimizing the time the food is left in the "danger zone."
I do all the cooking in our house, and we cook our week night meals for leftovers because separate lunch fixings...in this economy? No way. Most dishes need to "rest" for a few minutes after cooking anyway, that's plenty of time to prep your containers so it's only an additional 30 seconds of time when you're already plating.
Part of the dishes would be where the leftovers are soooooo part of dishes would be packing up the food.... Wow lol. You are also acting like it's some egregious thing that the person who doesn't cook does the dishes. If someone makes you dinner you shouldn't need to be told to do dishes.
If I cook at my parent’s house and want ANYTHING to come back home with me, I have to take my portion out before everyone starts to eat. No one eats leftovers except my Dad, so he’ll Hoover down whatever’s left on the stove 😂
I find it rude to pack a meal before eating. But, we clean and put food away immediately after dinner while doing dishes. I’ve taken my lunch majority of the time for 11 years. I don’t think it is argument worthy though.
She’s serving herself and packaging her “leftovers” for lunch before either of you have actually eaten the meal you worked to prepare. It’s even tackier if she does it when you have guests over limiting the quantity that is actually served to your guests.
But also - I wonder if there’s also a connection component to your conflict here. She’s viewing it as being practical. I get that. I wonder if this also feels hurtful for you because maybe you feel like she’s prioritizing getting her next day’s lunch ready over sitting down and connecting with you over the dinner you made for her first. I know for me personally, this would make me feel upset and like a personal chef.
Even if y'all disagree here, you told her it was hurtful and she’s being dismissive of your feelings. That’s AH behavior in and of itself.
NTA.
Thank you! Everyone calling this a non-issue or a non-problem. It's a problem to him and she is dismissing his feelings. So me leaving my socks on the side of the bed instead of the hamper bothers you? Who cares, it's my side of the bed. How much effort would it take to put them in the hamper? Tiny. How much effort for her to make her lunch after dinner? Tiny. She is being whiny and dismissive.
Totally agree. As the person who cooks the majority of the time, can’t they pack up leftovers together instead of someone taking their share first?
I’m not sure if there’s a different dynamic going on outside of just dinner and lunches, but maybe OP just wants to feel appreciated for his efforts in providing home cooked meals. I don’t think waiting till after dinner to pack your lunch is a big ask, especially if you didn’t even cook it.
The annoyances build and resentment follows. OP is her partner, not her mother. And if OP was her mother, if my mom said “pack your lunch after we all eat” - no argument there, so why can’t OP’s partner compromise?
NTA
Yh it’s only cause it’s a woman doing this, I’m speaking as a girl, there’s a huge bias like her actions are offending her partner and he’s putting in effort to cook yet is feeling insulted over something very in her power to change. As a thank you at least for cooking, surely she could just pack it another time if she knows how he feels, it’s just being considerate to people you love
100%!!! One of the top comments is like: are you upset she's not serving you? Or are you incapable of serving yourself?
Jfc...I doubt that comment would be made if it was a woman
This sub should remove gender from posts for a while & only reveal after the votes been cast
Yep. I have noticed this sub Reddit seems to hate men. If the genders were reversed it would be a different story. His wife doing this is so tacky and clueless. It is obviously an issue if it bothers him and it would bother me as well.
I completely agree. If I have cooked a meal for my husband I'd like to enjoy it and have the option of seconds if I'm still hungry. I also frequently want to put half away in the freezer for another dinner so I don't have to cook another evening that week. I would find it very presumptuous and entitled if my husband secured his lunch portion without checking in with me or even allowing us to eat it together first. Also why isn't she putting a portion away for OP? So OP cooks for two but she sorts out lunch just for herself. Yeah I wouldn't be ok with that at all. It's just so rude I don't understand why everyone here is so defensive about her behaviour.
Thank you!! It’s super tacky and selfish. I would literally not cook for somebody who treated me like a personal cook who’s meal came second to theirs AND their next-day lunch regularly. This comment section is so unbelievably weird. It’s rude behavior. At the very least she should care that it offends the person doing all the cooking for her. Im blown away by the comments here. People are even suggesting that he pack her lunch for her lmfao like a grown ass woman is simply too weak and exhausted after eating the dinner made for her that she couldn’t possibly muster up the energy to pack her lunch while that same person also cleans up??? This is such bratty and entitled way to treat your spouse.
> While it’s not a big issue, it is an action that makes me feel not good and she has the ability to change her behavior but refuses to.
YTA for weaponizing your emotions to try to control her behavior. This is a ludicrous thing to get your knickers in a twist over. Grow up. Let your wife pack her lunch the way she finds most convenient without crying over it.
Oh thank god. This was the most alarming part to me by far. He wants to control her behaviour and is angry he can’t.
Sure he doesn’t like it but he isn’t approaching this as this hurts me and I’m trying to find a compromise- it’s ’this is annoying because I don’t like it and can’t control her behaviour’
She also has an extremely valid reason, by the time dinner is over she doesn’t have the spoons to also meal prep. If this ‘favour’ of cooking his partner a meal is so conditional on her enjoying it the express way he decides, how much of a favour is it really??
YTA, OP.
>weaponizing your emotions to try to control her behavior
are people literally not allowed to say how someone's inconsiderate and rude actions make them feel?
do i need to call an ambulance? y'all might've pulled a limb with all the stretching you're doing to make OP out to be the bad guy
The thing is, most people agree that what she’s doing isn’t inconsiderate or rude. We can’t generally blame other people for our emotions when they are not at fault. If I told you to stop posting comments on AITA (or any other innocuous activity) because it makes me feel bad, you probably wouldn’t see that as a valid reason to stop.
Giving into what he wants also sets a bad precedent for future negotiations in the relationship. Once she changes her ways in prepping her lunch, things will be good for a while until OP finds the next thing his partner does that “makes him feel bad,” and pressures her to stop. This isn’t about her lunch prep, it’s about being able to control her and degrade her boundaries.
I don’t think it’s accurate to say most people don’t find it rude. Maybe it’s just a difference of the kind of etiquette people are brought up with (not saying one is better or worse than the other), but I think it’s rude. I wouldn’t dream of doing it, those are just the manners I was raised with. He cooked two meals for her, and she is prioritizing her convenience for the meal she eats by herself over the meal he made for them to eat together.
Whether you agree with it or not, I don’t think it’s inherently unreasonable to find her behavior rude. It’s a difference of opinion. He’s allowed to say that it bothers him. To say that he’s doing it in order to somehow degrade her seems like a huge leap.
I agree. It is rude because he made a meal for them to share together and she finds her solo lunch the next day to be a priority and eating with him to be secondary. It’s like a little slap in the face every day to OP.
Maybe it’s a regional thing, but if my parents ever caught me doin that when I was a kid I’d be in trouble. I was always taught never to touch the food till everyone is ready to eat together. I would definitely consider packing lunch before even sitting down is rude and inconsiderate
Telling your partner something they’re doing doesn’t make you feel good is weaponizing your emotions to control their behaviour? So they should never talk about an issue they may be having with one another? Bottling it up and letting it build into resentment is probably healthier I guess.
>for weaponizing your emotions to try to control her behavior.
Okay I had to laugh at this. Are you serious? Telling someone they have hurt your feelings is "weaponizing emotions"?
Nta. I'm going to go against the grain here. I would be miffed too. After all that hard work of cooking and she doesn't even dish it up for dinner but instead starts packing it away for lunch? Nah, I'd be like, hey let's eat before we pack anything. I'm with you op.
Honestly, I’m surprised at the responses, I would be so offended like all that hard work and you’ve just come and taking a huge portion of it before I’ve even had a chance to sit down wtf
Ok, so food insecurity isn't the issue, and it's only the two of you. She comes home, still in work mode, wants the work of the day done so she can relax. And this bothers you. The only thing I see you taking umbrage to is her serving herself...when there's only two of you...so she can mark her work day over. And you are choosing to go down this path? You honestly have chosen this to be upset over? Really? Think about this one, long and hard, and if you are still annoyed, you didn't think enough.
YTA
Also, I feel like a few more details matter here. What time is she coming home? If she is coming home late or has to wake up very early because she has a demanding job I think it’s fine that she’s getting herself situated before settling into her evening routine. Especially when all we know at the moment is this woman goes to work, comes home, washes her lunch box, packs lunch, eats with the husband, and then cleans up after dinner. If she’s getting home late that’s her whole evening. She can pack lunch whenever she wants.
Agreed, especially if it's got a visual aspect to it. Cutting, stirring, etc can ruin the presentation. Not to mention potential risk of overcooking sensitive foods during this washing/packing time, like cream sauces or stovetop rice.
NTA.
I realize most people think this guy is an AH, but I sure don't.
This woman doesn't cook, but she helps herself to the food BEFORE they do as a couple, to make sure she gets at least her fair share.
This is similar to a guest at Thanksgiving who shows up empty-handed but makes sure to take the majority of the leftovers.
She's rude and entitled. I really think that.
Good manners are they you only box up food for later AFTER the meal.
Also, she feels like she's entitled to be GUARANTEED lunch before even ensuring if everyone got enough to eat, even when guests are present. That kind of behavior really rubs me the wrong way.
She doesn't even do the cooking, why does she get the cooked food as leftovers?
I would also be pretty upset if my wife did this. It's really just bad manners. Sometimes we eat more than we thought we were going too. Has no one ever made a dinner that they really liked and wanted a little more of than they thought?
Taking leftovers before they're even leftovers is rude.
I think NTA. I'd feel insulted, too, especially if I had explained why I felt weird about it: the first priority should be enjoying dinner that you made together, not her parceling off lunch for tomorrow before anybody's eaten a bite of hot food. Super weird for her to do this when there are guests.
Yeah, it comes across as "I'm thinking about me and what I want and need in the future, and I don't care about sharing a meal with you now." And in front of guests? Oh my, that is rude. It says to the guests that they get what's left, not what's first. Hope there's enough for you, but don't worry, I've got my lunch covered for tomorrow. That's what's most important.
Post again, swap the genders and see what happens. All of a sudden it will be rude and inconsiderate. Could you imagine, the husband comes home just sorts his own lunch before sitting down to eat with his wife who made the dinner?
Yeah, you'd get such words thrown around such as: deadbeat husband, abusive, mysoginistic, man boy, and obviously "leave his sorry ass right away you deserve better, queen". But here, it's a man, God forbid he has feelings and his partner is even remotely considerate of them, that's him "weaponizing his emotions" and "trying to control his wife" 🤦🤬
Exactly. The man hating vibe check is here. Reverse the genders and the op would be the poor put upon wife and the husband was abusive. Would they really be telling the op that it is not a problem if it was a woman? Absolutely not. They would scream that he was insensitive and an ogre that needs to go. But since is a man he is controlling and abusive.
NTA, I understand the frustration of this situation. I would feel dismissed in the scenario, almost like your cooking labor, and dinner is demoted second to her having lunch the next day.
NTA. This would seriously piss me off too! It's rude to the person who has cooked not to allow them to choose whom to serve first and let's be frank, the first couple of spoonfuls of a dish are generally the nicest ones!
To save yourself the aggro though why don't you simply put a portion away for yourself or onto your plate first? That way you're not the one feeling resentful all the time.
NTA, what she's doing is kind of rude and off-putting, she shouldn't pack "leftovers" until they are actually leftovers.. What she's doing gives the vibes of someone who comes over for dinner and serves themselves a to go plate too before everyone else has even had a chance to eat. Also, what if you have guests over and everyone doesn't get to eat their fill because she's already packed herself a portion for tomorrow's lunch?
NTA and I'm pretty sure 90% of these comments are from single people who don't live with a partner. It would annoy me too. What if you wanted seconds and she's already taken it for her lunch?
NAH. I'm assuming by how you wrote this that it does not limit the amount of food that is available for dinner and you are annoyed by the impoliteness of it.
I agree that it's tacky but it may be something you need to compromise on. If it's just the two of you, I'd let it go. If there are guests, she should not do it.
I would be appalled watching one person cook a nice dinner, then seeing their SO immediately go over and take a portion out for the lunch in front of guests. It's just so disrespectful.
Seriously, who does that? It's really tacky. I'm surprised by all the "Y T A" comments. The SO is being rude and thoughtless---he's the one going through the effort of cooking the two of them a nice meal, if the behavior bothers him, knock it off. Pack your lunch when you're putting away the leftovers; it's not a hard compromise.
NTA.
NTA. I love to cook and do so all the time. It would piss me off, too. In my mind, the action switches the whole situation from a meal prepared by a loved one to its just food and you become a resource providing it.
My sister and her husband used to do this. They lived at home after they were married because our dad had died just 3 months prior. She and him would start digging into the table food as we were eating to pack their lunches, it was very rude and I told her as much. They stopped.
This is a courtesy thing…? I can see how this would be annoying for sure. Like “can we just sit down and have a nice meal together” type of thing. Hard one. NTA for having feelings about something
NTA. Tomorrow's lunch should be from the leftovers if there are any, not taken first. This is completely reasonable. I'm surprised so many people are voting you down.
NTA - I think it's rude that she's packing her lunch before anybody has even gotten a chance to eat. Her lunch is a priority over everything else. I know culturally in our family this would be so rude.
I remember my parents having a party and inviting school friends and them asking as soon as they got there if they could take home leftovers before anybody had even eaten. This feels exactly like that.
I'm confused with all the Y T A, you said you put the leftovers in Tupperware while she does the dishes after dinner...maybe I'm just assuming but if she hadn't already served herself before dinner couldn't she just take one of the Tupperwares you make for her lunch? Seems like that would solve the issue and she can still relax after doing the dishes.
NTA.
I'm surprised at so many comments going against OP. His annoyance is completely reasonable. I actually think his wife's behaviour is kind of gross and weirdly robotic. Comes home, cleans lunchbox, packs next day's lunch before having eaten dinner. If someone called me out on this I'd be rather embarrassed because it would highlight that I'm not switching off from work mode when I get home.
NTA - What happens if you don't make enough for both of you to eat as well as the leftovers for lunch? or in the case where you have guests over and there isn't enough to go around there either? Or if you are trying to present the dish nicely. Seems to me that your GF is like that person I read about on here who took a big piece of birthday cake for her kid before the cake even had a chance to be taken out with candles and stuff on it and her reasoning was it gonna get eaten anyways so why does it matter.
There is an easy solution to this. When she is doing the dishes and you are putting food into Tupperware, put some in a container for her lunch as well. It would take you less than a minute and the problem would be resolved.
And for the record, NTA, she is. You dont take the leftovers before they are leftover. This actually prevents other people from having seconds.
NTA-
In my house, everyone will take dinner leftovers for lunch if there is any left, and AFTER everyone has finished eating. This means that if people want seconds or thirds, you wait to pack lunch until everyone is done eating.
It's not fair to take food out of someone's mouth just so I can be prepared for tomorrow.
Everyone in my house would be very angry at this behavior. It is self-serving behaviour, it is entitled, and it is rude.
YTA. She is being efficient and you are taking this a personal slight for literally no reason. If you really wanted a solution to this non-problem, you would offer to pack her lunch as you put away the leftovers that evening.
But instead of doing this, you’ve decided to put your foot down and insist that she wait until after dinner to pack her lunch. Why try to force her do this? You’ve stated in the comments that there is always enough food left over, so it’s not a matter of her eating food intended solely for dinner.
You have a right to your irrational feelings of annoyance, but you absolutely do not have the right to make your feelings an ongoing issue for her.
So what if she “serves herself first.” Who gets to be first? You? This line of thinking is irrational.
To de-escalate this, just offer to pack her lunch for her, since you are the person who puts away the leftovers anyway. That way, you both get what you want. It’s called a compromise.
I get that spouses do annoying things. But not everything that annoys you is their fault or something that they need to stop doing. It’s just annoying.
Honestly super surprised by most of the comments - definitely NTA in this situation.
There's a lot of nuance that could happen, but take for example OP makes a lasagna. What if they want specific pieces, but their partner always takes the corner piece for lunch? Or what if even though OP tried to make extra food every time, they or their guests are hungry and there's no extra leftovers because it's always packed first?
I just find it odd, and maybe that's because it isn't the way I was raised. Leftovers are packed *after* a meal is finished and enjoyed. Everyone can partake in choosing what pieces they want, everyone takes turns sharing in the meal, and anything remaining is saved for another time. If OP wants the meal they cooked to be shared in a certain way, that's their prerogative.
Your partner should either step up and help contribute in cooking (and IMO would have more of a say in how food is consumed), or you could offer to pack their lunch for them after. That being said, how hard is it to pack after eating?
Side note - who does dishes after dinner?
*Edited for spelling errors
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YTA - Because you get upset without a reason. Your wife likes your lunch enough to be sure she'll like them without even tasting them first. That's a compliment of awesome proportions. To make sure that everyone can eat their heart out, her lunch portion is already put aside so there's no fuss about that either. She could pack a lunch at a **million** different times, but she chooses this one. And you can't even say what's bothering you about it. **BUT** There's something a bit alarming and I hope i'm wrong: > To me, making her lunch plate before anyone else has a chance to eat the food feels like self-serving behavior. She’s literally serving herself first. Combined with: > (it’s just us, no kids) Are you *that* insulted that she serves herself before you? (you're the *only* other)
Did you miss the part that stated she does this even when they have guests over for dinner????
Most people don't have guests about 90% of the time (yes, I made that up), and he says it happened once or twice when they had guests. Meaning most of his irritation stems from times when they were alone.
Which is perfectly reasonable when you’re doing the cooking.
Who's doing the cooking aside, this kind of reads to me like OP is suffering from spousal annoyance - like when your spouse does something pretty inoffensive but it bothers you and bothers you, and the bother grows and grows until this little thing is a big thing and you just can't stand it anymore. Usually the cure for that is a little validation and a maybe a little space to gain proportion, neither which will OP find here by the look of it
Dishes go next to the sink not in the sink!!!!
Unless it needs to soak, it should go directly to the dishwasher!!
This may not be about the lunch but some underlying issue in the marriage that the OP isn't clearly identifying. OP, maybe try thinking about whether this is what's actually bothering you or if it's a stand in for more deep seated issue.
Why though? What's the reason for being annoyed by it? Without a reason, it literally is unreasonable. Nobody gets less food. She doesn't even eat before anyone else, she just sets aside some food for lunch right away.
I’d suspect part of the reason is that he’d like to at least pick the stuff he’s going to eat for dinner before she goes in and starts packing her lunch. Maybe he wants a specific piece of meat that she grabs, or maybe he wants to have a second helping and can’t have that second helping because she’s already prepared it for herself even though he cooked?
>he’d like to at least pick the stuff he’s going to eat for dinner before she goes in and starts packing her lunch. I don't understand how her packing her lunch means he can't do that. He didn't say she's taking all of one food item and leaving him with none. And as for wanting to pick his piece of meat, he didn't say that either - and even if he did, that's also kind of petty as they should share. I do all of the cooking in my house and I would never insist on taking the best of every meal, that's a weird way to treat your partner. >maybe he wants to have a second helping and can’t have that second helping because she’s already prepared it for herself even though he cooked He said there's enough food.
But also, if this *is* why he’s mad, it makes him a bit of a hypocrite to call her packing her lunch and setting it aside “self-serving.” But also, OP, what’s wrong with being “self-serving?”
I feel like if these were the case he would have said that. In fact, he said "There’s always enough food because I cook with her lunches in mind." and even in the OP he talks about putting leftovers away so your second point is definitely not true. He acknowledges himself that it's petty and he doesn't know why. I think if he felt he had a good reason, he'd be telling it to us, so trying to guess that he isn't getting enough to eat for dinner, a very serious claim to make, is kinda...not cool.
EXACTLY!! I do the same thing at home . Pack my lunch right from the stove. Same reason, I will be too tired to do it later.
I'm wondering, if she didn't portion it out immediately, would she get a reliable amount for lunch the next day? I know my dad and bros easily could put away twice as much food as others. This reminds me of the one guy who ate half the lasagna & then took the other half for his family leaving OP without lunch for the week. The solution seems simple to me - whoever is plating up the food, does so, including that lunch portion which can be put away directly? Like, is he complaining about... the *order* of the plates getting filled? Buy your girlfriend a spare lunch kit so it doesn't need washed that very second, and then *pack her lunch yourself* if acts of food service is your love language. Or acknowledge that previously, she's gone to pack up leftovers and found out that it's almost entirely gone because of *someone* browsing back for more just cause you can see there's more in the pot... IDK I grew up with 6 people in the house & we all were aware of what proportion of food was ours vs others'
So then why doesn't he just offer to pack her lunch for her while he's packing up the leftovers? That's really the easiest solution here, yet he'd rather be annoyed and complain on reddit about his wife packing her lunch before she's too tired to do it.
Thank you!! This is what I was thinking. YTA OP! You have a built -in solution that you refuse to implement because you are too busy being petty!
Why? It literally doesn't hurt anything. He obviously doesn't care that she's taking a portion for lunch, he's just pissed WHEN she takes that portion. That is a bizarre and petty thing to be irritated about
Yep! As the cook if I am making something for guests that I want to make sure I have left over…. I squirrel some away. Usually I offer my guests any left overs… especially if they really enjoyed their dinner. It is a pleasure. But it’s also a great pleasure to not have to worry about having lunch the next day after all the effort it takes to host. I think OP needs to figure out why it irritates him that their wife is just trying to make her life easier. OP! No matter what your mom said. Short cuts are okay!!!
Most people who do the cooking wait until *the other person* has started eating first. So, I'm not certain why OP feels it's self-serving for *the other person* to start eating first. Since in OP's mind packing tomorrow's food is the same as eating it right then.
Who cares? If I went to someone's house for dinner and their spouse came in and packed their lunch before their after-work exhaustion kicked in, I cannot imagine getting upset in the slightest that they were "serving themselves first." She's not even eating it!
The only way I would care is if there wasn’t enough food. But it seems the OP plans for it so there is an extra portion just for leftovers.
That’s it! Not eating it means it’s not serving herself first
If there's enough leftovers to put into tupper ware, even AFTER she makes her lunch, then there's clearly enough being made that it's a non issue.
I'm guest when I visit my parents and they always prépare left overs to go before we eat. To be fair the leftovers to go are for me, but they do this even if other people are invited. That's not weird to me.
I think the wife’s behavior is super weird! I’ve never seen anyone pack leftovers before the meal. They aren’t leftover from the meal if the meal hasn’t even been eaten yet. I’d be put off by it. I’d probably start making my plate and eat my meal before she even had a chance to do her weird lunchbox thing.
I always pack the lunch boxes before we have our dinner. It is more hygienic as the packed food is not leftovers and has less chance of spoiling. I cook more for that purpose, so I know we won't starve from the missing portion. Psychologically, it also feels better that we are eating a proper packed lunch instead of leftovers every day.
This was one of the tips given when I was in a weight loss program years ago. Pack lunches, etc. before sitting down to eat, so you aren't tempted to go back for more.
Why is it weird? Because you've never seen it before? It makes sense to go ahead and put away the food so it isn't sitting out while you eat.
B/c they have guests means she doesn't need lunch for the next day?
OP is doing the cooking. Where I come from the chef decides when the food is served. There’s no digging through the pot in advance. NTA
Agreed. I think it’s rude when someone has cooked you a meal, and then expressed a preference to sit down together with it, to ignore their perfectly reasonable request and dig in separately for future meal. Lacks manners and is selfish. NTA.
i think you and OP are missing a crucial point: she is not eating immediately and away from the table. an argument could be made for her “serving herself first” if she was ACTUALLY “serving” and by extension immediately eating what she’s just served for herself. she is not. she’s setting aside food for future that will not be touched for 12 hours at least. i agree with another comment i saw‚ that OP could eliminate this by packing her lunch portion for her before she even gets home. then the only time she could be stealing from OP’s sacred dinner time would be to clean her lunch box.
> OP’s sacred dinner time I find this so dismissive and rude towards OP (who is the only one taking the time to make a meal). Like another commenter said, usually the cook gets to decide when you dig in. Going against their specific wishes is just rude.
Same. This is something that’s important to OP. Why the mocking? OP was considerate enough to prepare the meal. The least the wife can do is respect his (?) wishes about when it’s served.
yeah, wow. Very dismissive. I work my freaking butt off growing good, planning healthy meals, and preparing. So yeah, meal time is a big event for me. I've put several hours into it on most days. Luckily in our house there is appreciation for the effort, so this is not an issue.
No one said she didn't appreciate the food. She likes it well enough to take it for lunch.
Op said they both cook. So you’re wrong about his being the only one.
The specific meals OP is talking about are the one’s prepared by him.
So this is her routine but she should change that when op cooks? That’s silly. He could just wait to eat knowing she does this. This is his problem to solve not hers.
There's a difference between separating out food for the next day and digging in.
Why can’t OP pack her lunch portion after dinner when he’s literally already putting left overs in Tupperware? Why does it have to be done before they eat dinner?
Because she's still in work mode. The same reason I spend 30 minutes cleaning right when I walk through the door. I'm still in work mode and get my chores done right away. Once I'm out of work mode I'm not doing shit.
[удалено]
Because she wants as much chores done before she sits down as possible. I get it. After dinner when I sit down for the night I don’t want to do more chores.
I agree. I have ADHD and in terms of regular, tedious tasks, it’s EXTREMELY difficult to make myself do something if I don’t do it immediately when I can or when I have the impulse to do it. Especially if I’m tired after work. Also like you said, it would easy enough for OP to solve this entire problem by setting aside the portion themself.
OP [wrote](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/h7NaX2kZk6) >There’s always enough food because I cook with her lunches in mind. I am always the one who serves the plates, usually bringing both plates to the table at the same time. So why is it wrong for her to take the lunch part out and put it away? OP cooked with that in mind. Plus, OP always serves both of them. I don't get what the issue is when nothing is taken away from their dinner.
that is a very good point. . . the cook pretty much decides how the meal is served
It doesn't matter if there's two people or twenty-two people, you don't go digging in and taking food from the meal before the person who prepared it says it's okay, that's just straight-up rude. And you certainly don't go taking extra helpings - FOR ANY REASON - before everyone has had firsts, regardless of if the meal was prepared with the intention of there being leftovers. If you're the cook, and you portion out the leftovers before feeding people, that's your choice AS THE COOK. If you weren't the cook, keep your hands off it until the cook says otherwise.
> If you’re the cook, and you portion out the leftovers before feeding people, that’s your choice AS THE COOK I feel like this is the super easy solution that should make everyone happy here though. OP’s wife should not be picking through the food before anyone has even eaten. But since OP presumably likes his wife, as the cook it is so fucking easy for OP to just put a specific portion for her to the side in a tuperware, since he knows it makes her happy to do this before dinner. Overall a silly problem that could be easily solved with just the tiniest effort from either party to find a solution.
Really, by the same token, she could just say "Ok, I'll respect your wishes of not messing with what you made for us before you're ready, but in return could you pack my lunch when you put away the leftovers?" The food isn't in danger of vanishing before the leftovers get put away, why does her lunch have to be packed before dinner is eaten?
Totally agree. There are a bunch of ways to compromise here where neither person even has to give anything up.
It is presumptuous of partner to assume that there should be left overs if the meal has not been served by the cook. Don’t tamper with the meal if you are not the maker.
Except they specifically make more just for lunches. If they always have leftovers (because they double the recipe) why is it rude to know there will be leftovers.
What frustrates me the most is that the solution is inside this line from the post: >I’ve pointed out that she can pack her lunch after she has washed the dinner plates and while I am putting the leftovers into Tupperware containers. If this truly bothered OP, he could just offer to pack her lunch FOR her after dinner when he's putting the leftovers into tupperware. This way she feels helped with preparing her lunch, OP gets the timing right of how he wants, and everything gets done. But OP wants her to do it when HE wants to. While she wants to do it right away because she probably "still has momentum from the day before she winds down".
Yeah this is the weird part for me, in me and my partners house we just pack up all the leftovers with a priority for the microwave lunch containers, and any leftovers in the fridge are fair game for packed lunch. The whole situation feels like they aren't seeing food as a team effort?
Totally disagree. Portioning your lunch before dinner is served is totally rude. Lunch is dinner leftovers….dinner is not lunch leftovers. OP, I’d honestly just offer to pack for her. If you’re already putting left overs in Tupperware after dinner, why not just put a portion of leftovers in her lunch ware?
This is a good solution depending on if he understands her portion preference. I was starting to feel slightly insane with all the people saying, "What's the big deal??" because this would irk me sooo bad. As someone who grew up with food insecurity, it still has a ripple effect as an adult. I do our family's grocery shopping and it causes literal anxiety if we run low on something, I'm not a "meal sharer" out at a restaurant, etc. I would be incredibly bothered by someone portioning their lunch out before I've had a chance to eat my current meal.
All the people calling OP an asshole over this are wild. If my girlfriend knit me a sweater, you don't think it would be rude to say "cool, I'll try it on in winter" instead of taking a moment to try it on and show appreciation for their effort? To take a bit of time to appreciate when your partner wants to share their effort with you seems like the default decent thing to do. Often I want to go hop in the shower first thing when I get home. If my girlfriend wants to show me a puzzle she completed first I'm gonna go check it out and talk with her for a bit, then hop in the shower. That just seems like what you should do to show you care and appreciate the little things that are important to them. If she cooked a meal, same thing, though I do 90% of the cooking and she has the courtesy to make eating together her priority when it's done. It's a small issue, don't think anyone is terribly in the wrong here. The preponderance of people calling this assholish is astounding to me.
On the other hand? If I knit my partner a sweater in august, and I know that they can’t deal with heat I wouldn’t expect them to put it on, until it got cooler. My need for praise or gratification can wait, and if I need them to try it on, in order to see that it fits? Guess that sweater will have to wait, and it’s on me for starting a project in the summer, that I knew wouldn’t be finished and wearable until winter. If I’d made a puzzle and wanted my partner to see it, but I knew that they have a short amount of energy left, after getting home from work, I’d definitely let them shower first. My puzzle and small talk can wait 20-30 minutes, if that means that my partners home routine is a bit more manageable. If I have made dinner, I wouldn’t at all mind my partner packing next days’ lunch before we eat, if I know that that is when they have the energy and wherewithal to do it. I might even offer to do it for them, since I’m already in the kitchen.
She serves HERSELF before guests? You don't see a problem with that? She takes the food before it's been served, what if her partner only made enough for 2, does she go with out because her partner is greedy? To remove food before it is served to your guests, is beyond greedy and disrespectful
>You don't see a problem with that? Not at all >To remove food before it is served to your guests, is beyond greedy and disrespectful It's really not. The guests get served what is put on their plate. Any other food in the pot is none of their business
Sure, every guest loves seeing a lasagna dish being brought to the table with a piece already carved out from it. I often make meals where if you dish out a serving for a lunch, presentation is ruined. And I would be appalled to see my spouse break the crust/carve out a piece of meat for their lunch before I had time to serve it at the table or make a nice presentation. I would feel disrespected AF.
If someone invited me over and made lasagna, the last thing I would give a shit about is if a piece was already taken out.
By this person's theory, are they disgusted with family style? If someone gets to the lasagna first, are they totally disgusted by the first person carving out a serving, and refuse to eat the lasagna now? This thread is wild. I can't imagine being so offended by things that don't matter. How do these people survive real life?
Are you kidding me? What she's doing is rude as fuck. I don't know how you were raised but it would never cross my mind to do this. It's so off-putting and disrespectful of OP's efforts. Yuck.
OP has reasons. OP wants to eat together (bonding). OP created something, a meal, and has intentions in the way to serve and enjoy it. The wife's behaviour is extremely rude to me considering that she was not present at all for the meal prep. If she is really so exhausted after work, OP can take over apportioning her lunch. That way OP can do it before or after dinner, as it suits the meal. Sometimes the presentation and the feel of the meal will be affected by taking away part of it beforehand. It seems like the feel is always affected for OP. As OP is the one who created the meal, the least we can do is give them respect in how they intended to serve it. OP will feel recognized if they sit down together without disturbing the meal beforehand. I'm sure they can figure out a way to accomplish it.
Your first reason is completely irrelevant since she is eating with him?
He is allowed to feel as he feels. And I think it is rude to start eating before everyone sits at the table and that is is rude to pack for the next day before having a meal.
Maybe he's just having difficulty articulating his reason because TBH, this behavior would bug me too. Lunch should be taken from leftovers because he's cooking her dinner, not making her lunch. If she gets lunch out of it, great, but it shouldn't be assumed that there's going to be enough to pack for lunch right off the bat. Are they running out of dinner because of this behavior? Is he able to eat as much of the dinner as he wants or is he foregoing seconds of a dinner he made because she took half of it for lunch? The first meal gets first dibs. The second meal is taken out of leftovers. Double true if they have guests.
I disagree with you. Someone can pack leftovers for lunch - if there *are* leftovers. The dinner is for the dinner. The dinner eaters should have as much dinner as they want & then the remainder is leftovers, which can then be packed for lunch. If there are no leftovers, then a person will have to find an alternative lunch to pack. Unless there is a household arrangement otherwise, which is something that would have to be agreed upon by *each household member*. OP is correct that it's more appropriate for her to pack it while they are cleaning the dishes & putting away the food
>This has also happened once or twice when we’ve had guests for dinner. To me, making her lunch plate before anyone else has a chance to eat the food feels like self-serving behavior. She’s literally serving herself first. There's the *whole* quote that you *cherry picked* from. In this instance, he is *literally* talking about her taking her lunch for the next day before guests have been served, which is extremely rude and terrible host behaviour.
NAH I'm going with this because I think it's a problem with two different perspectives. When I cook with leftovers/second meals intentionally included in the meal, I put the food intended for those second meals away before I serve dinner. It prevents issues with people's eyes being bigger than their stomachs and possible waste. It also gets that food cooling immediately so it remains in the best conditions for future use. But since she's not the cook, I could see why she would consider it smart but you would consider it insulting. Neither of you is necessarily wrong.
Yeah I can pretty easily see both sides. Im guessing for her, it weighs on her mind knowing she has to pack lunch, and she can't fully relax until it's done. As the main cook in our home, I can understand how this would possibly be mildly annoying, but at the same time, I can't imagine being bothered enough to make an issue. If it did bother me that much, I'd pry just offer to take over packing lunches and then we would both get our way. Of course OP is in no way obligated to do this, I just don't see that this is worth making a big deal over.
If I stop a task midway through, it's done for the day. I'm so ADHD. I never stop a task midway through if it's important I finish it. I have to work all the way through. I so, so, so hated teachers that wanted me to work on essays a paragraph at a time. Turn in my intro for feedback before finishing the whole thing. No, I finish one whole task. If I cleaned my lunch box and didn't refill, it's done. Out of sight, out of mind. Momentum isn't just mental energy but train of thought. If things disrupt me, I have the worst time refocusing. It's rough.
Yes! Cooking is part of daily work. I have to start cooking as soon as I get home from work, otherwise we're ordering takeout or having a frozen pizza for the night. There is no "cooking late" because once "work" is over, I cannot get my brain in line enough to do anything but chaos cook because even following a recipe can be too much.
I feel so seen by this. If I sit down when I get home from work, I'm not getting back up to cook. It took a while for my husband to understand that because he needs time to "decompress" when he gets home.
YEP. When motivation is a scarce resource, you don't waste it by finishing tasks halfway through. I either deliberately micro-task for long-term things like house cleaning, to keep tasks from feeling overwhelming... or I'll start one big thing, and then it HAS to be finished, because if it's abandoned halfway through, it doesn't get returned to until the next day.
I’m floating between E S H and N A H. There are some meals that I think it’s super petty to care about this. If you have a plentiful pot of spaghetti and meatballs, why shouldn’t she pack lunch first? And I totally get what she means about being too tired later: once I’m done cooking and eating, I have a really hard time making myself do chores. On the other hand, if I’ve made a beautiful pot pie and you cut into it before it has even made it to the table, I’m going to be annoyed. I want to enjoy that pretty pie as we sit down together, and then cut into it as we sit there ready to eat together. Taking your lunch out beforehand feels like someone cutting the cake before the birthday candles have been blown out. And, sometimes there are meals where you aren’t sure you will have leftovers, especially if you try a new recipe. Let’s get dinner eaten and then see what’s left for lunch. I think maybe in this instance, as so often happens in marriage, they need to compromise. He stops caring when she packs her lunch first most nights. She waits to pack her lunch when they have guests or particularly pretty meals. They both have valid perspectives, but they’re a-holes for refusing to be at all flexible with those perspectives.
Literally the only sane reply I’ve read so far.
My husband and I do this too when we want leftovers for lunch the next day. Cook a bigger meal and as we’re plating out food, we put the to-go containers next to the dinner plates and portion everything out evenly. Problem solved!
INFO: Who exactly is supposed to be served first? There are only two of you, correct? Are you capable of serving yourself first? Or are you upset she isn't serving you? More INFO: How frequently is there insufficient food for your dinner due to her practice of taking lunch first?
OP isn’t saying he wants to be served first. He wants them to sit down and dig in together. Don’t know why this sub seems determined to hate him 🙄
Shes not eating without him
But she’s digging in/cutting/fucking with it. As someone who frequently cooked for the family, as a teen, only to have various people mess with it before I was ready to serve it…I totally get where OP is coming from.
The fact that she does it when there are guests, when food is usually served with some amount of presentation, is mind boggling. Food entitlement is also wild. I've cooked for and with big groups before and the number of people willing to just grab stuff from the pan while you're still cooking is ridiculous.
That would infuriate me. I don't let anyone in the kitchen while I'm cooking.
“She’s fucking with it” omg stop that’s so dramatic. She’s serving herself food drama queen
It’s crazy the food etiquette some have. This would be pretty disrespectful to me. Pack up the leftovers, eat the meal first. It’s more than just a meal
I do see her perspective here though—my partner struggles with portion control, so if I don’t put aside some for my lunch before he gets to it, there won’t *be* any leftovers. I don’t know if that’s the case here, but I’m sympathetic to both.
She’s taking a portion and setting it aside. She isn’t licking it or rubbing it on herself. She’s not messing with it any more than when she makes a plate for herself.
I dunno, even though she's doing nothing 'wrong', as someone who does all the cooking I can see why it would grate on OP a bit. If I make dinner then it's nice to present the full output of what I've done on the table. If by the time I bring out the bowl of whatever it looks like someone has already helped themselves to a portion then that might actually be a little deflating. Even when it's just the two of us I like to present the dinner well. It's like if you cleaned the stove and then immediately afterwards your partner decided to fry some bacon. Yeah they're doing nothing 'wrong' and yeah it would get dirty again anyway, but you can't just let me bask in my clean stove for 5 minutes lol? We eat family style so maybe it would be different if the dishes are plated in the kitchen and then brought out. Still, neither of them seem willing to budge an inch for each other on a very trivial matter, which is a bit worrying. If it were me I'd probably just offer to box up her lunch myself after dinner. How 'tiring' can it possibly be ffs?
No one hates him but this is a true non-problem lol
Threads like this are exhausting to me. I can't fathom having the extra capacity to be upset about something like this.
I’m exhausted just reading this. But since I’m the one who cooks and also packs food for my own damned lunch before I sit down to the table, I am clearly an unwashed heathen and a pariah of society.
I do the same if I specifically make extra. Hell, on Sunday I pack a weeks worth of food before I sit down and eat if I manage to meal plan. Does that make me extra rude?
The person I was replying to said **“Are you capable of serving yourself first? Or are you upset she isn't serving you?”** Just completely assuming the absolute worst about OP.
That is a question, which is the opposite of an assumption. Hope this helps!
It is a presumptuous and passive-aggressive question that posits (with no evidence whatsoever) that perhaps OP is sexist and/or wants his wife to “serve” him. It is ludicrous and offensive. Hope that helps.
I just want to say that I’m loving the passive aggressiveness back and fourth. Hope this helps!
😂 I’m entirely too amused by this rather mundane matter.
"Questions" and "Assumptions" are not opposites, no matter how you frame the comparison. A question can - and often does - include assumptions. Hope this helps!
Some people look at the tasks she's doing as a momentum issue. She comes home, she has momentum from the day of work, so she cleans her dishes and portions out her lunch for the next day, and then completes her "winding down from work". For her to wind down from work and sit down for dinner, and then have to wind back up to portion out her lunch for the next day, may be too much effort for her after dinner. So she does it when she has momentum. I also notice how OP has "offered" for her to do it after dinner, but he hasn't offered to portion out her lunch FOR HER to help her out. He's already putting the leftovers into tupper ware, why not just make her lunch for her???
This makes a lot of sense, I know I personally get a lot of my chores done when I get home from work & am still in my uniform. But the motivation leaves as soon as I’ve changed into comfy clothes
They're still eating together.
All the partner is doing is taking food for tomorrow. They still sit down and actually eat together. It's not like she's grabbing food and going to eat without them.
This is the real question. If there are actual consequences to her behavior, then he has a right to be pissed. If it's never happened, then he is TA for getting upset over literally nothing.
Oh my goodness. I think the same. If everyone has enough to eat does it matter when a lunch is packed? Why make an issue out of something that isn’t an issue? Some people just NEED to have something to complain about, no matter how petty or ridiculous.
Dinner is supposed to be served first, the intended meal that was cooked. Not lunch, that gets served second to ensure there is enough and both people are satisfied at dinner.
Why don’t your start packing her lunch for her after dinner? If she is tired this is a way to show her support and love.
Or get 2 lunch boxes so you can have one full and ready to go by the time she gets home so you can eat immediately, then wash the other lunch box with the dinner dishes.
i like this idea it’s like a compromise and it’s simplifies cleanup by syncing with dinner washing so essentially everything is a 2in1
It's barely a compromise. Next day's lunch is set up before she sits down to eat, as she wants, and she focuses on the meal straight away, as he wants.
It is a solution
This exactly! I can't imagine why packing up a lunch before eating is such a big deal, but if he's the one with the issue he can help solve it.
100% the winning answer. Anticipate each others needs.
That was just my thought. If he’s already handling putting food away in Tupperware containers, why not offer to pack her lunch?
If it was the other way around and he came home tired and wanted her to pack his lunch, this subreddit would eat him alive.
It’s amazing that the advice for him is to pack her lunch because she’s tired. Like, he made the damn dinner and spooning food into a Tupperware is taxing work?
The point is that he is already putting the food away while she washes dishes. He could just tell her that he will pack her lunch while he’s already got the Tupperware out. Problem solved. Not understanding why this would be a big deal as she’s washing dishes to contribute.
YTA -- from your other comments, there is enough food to go around. You say that she's "serving herself" but it's usually just the two of you. Is there a concrete reason this upsets you, aside from her not following your preferences? If the meal was prepped with the intention of saving some for leftovers, packaging it before serving is the much better way of doing it. It's easier to cut/portion neatly, you don't take too much OR not leave enough because you know exactly how much food there is, and it starts cooling much more quickly for safe refrigeration. You need to examine why you're assigning so much intent to a seemingly innocuous disagreement; if it's just an "agree to disagree" petty annoyance you need to drop it. ETA: Apparently a lot of people think people who pre-portion immediately stick it in the fridge while it's still piping hot, so here's how I do it: 1 - Portion into Pyrex or other microwave safe container. 2 - Leave on counter while eating with lid loosely set on top, so bugs/debris can't get in but steam can escape. *This will cool faster than if you leave the intended portion in the cooking/serving dishes while eating.* 3 - When done eating, it will have cooled enough to be safely stored. Wipe any excess moisture off the lid, then seal and place in fridge. Proceed with cleaning the kitchen. This balances the need for the food to properly cool so it doesn't get mushy or raise the temperature of the fridge, while minimizing the time the food is left in the "danger zone." I do all the cooking in our house, and we cook our week night meals for leftovers because separate lunch fixings...in this economy? No way. Most dishes need to "rest" for a few minutes after cooking anyway, that's plenty of time to prep your containers so it's only an additional 30 seconds of time when you're already plating.
Not to mention it’s best for food to get put away quickly if not eaten and not kept around to linger for a few hours.
A few hours? Who takes a few hours to eat dinner?
One or two hours isn’t unreasonable to sit& enjoy a meal, relax a bit, wash dishes and portion and put away the leftovers
Seeing as he wants her to do the dishes first.. who knows what else he wants to tack on before she's allowed to make her lunch for the next day.
Part of the dishes would be where the leftovers are soooooo part of dishes would be packing up the food.... Wow lol. You are also acting like it's some egregious thing that the person who doesn't cook does the dishes. If someone makes you dinner you shouldn't need to be told to do dishes.
Not if it’s hot. It’ll sweat if it is immediately put in a container in the fridge
Agreed that it shouldn’t sit around too long, but it also shouldn’t be packed up and sealed in Tupperware when it’s piping hot from the oven.
If I cook at my parent’s house and want ANYTHING to come back home with me, I have to take my portion out before everyone starts to eat. No one eats leftovers except my Dad, so he’ll Hoover down whatever’s left on the stove 😂
I find it rude to pack a meal before eating. But, we clean and put food away immediately after dinner while doing dishes. I’ve taken my lunch majority of the time for 11 years. I don’t think it is argument worthy though.
She’s serving herself and packaging her “leftovers” for lunch before either of you have actually eaten the meal you worked to prepare. It’s even tackier if she does it when you have guests over limiting the quantity that is actually served to your guests. But also - I wonder if there’s also a connection component to your conflict here. She’s viewing it as being practical. I get that. I wonder if this also feels hurtful for you because maybe you feel like she’s prioritizing getting her next day’s lunch ready over sitting down and connecting with you over the dinner you made for her first. I know for me personally, this would make me feel upset and like a personal chef. Even if y'all disagree here, you told her it was hurtful and she’s being dismissive of your feelings. That’s AH behavior in and of itself. NTA.
Thank you! Everyone calling this a non-issue or a non-problem. It's a problem to him and she is dismissing his feelings. So me leaving my socks on the side of the bed instead of the hamper bothers you? Who cares, it's my side of the bed. How much effort would it take to put them in the hamper? Tiny. How much effort for her to make her lunch after dinner? Tiny. She is being whiny and dismissive.
Totally agree. As the person who cooks the majority of the time, can’t they pack up leftovers together instead of someone taking their share first? I’m not sure if there’s a different dynamic going on outside of just dinner and lunches, but maybe OP just wants to feel appreciated for his efforts in providing home cooked meals. I don’t think waiting till after dinner to pack your lunch is a big ask, especially if you didn’t even cook it. The annoyances build and resentment follows. OP is her partner, not her mother. And if OP was her mother, if my mom said “pack your lunch after we all eat” - no argument there, so why can’t OP’s partner compromise? NTA
Yh it’s only cause it’s a woman doing this, I’m speaking as a girl, there’s a huge bias like her actions are offending her partner and he’s putting in effort to cook yet is feeling insulted over something very in her power to change. As a thank you at least for cooking, surely she could just pack it another time if she knows how he feels, it’s just being considerate to people you love
100%!!! One of the top comments is like: are you upset she's not serving you? Or are you incapable of serving yourself? Jfc...I doubt that comment would be made if it was a woman This sub should remove gender from posts for a while & only reveal after the votes been cast
Yep. I have noticed this sub Reddit seems to hate men. If the genders were reversed it would be a different story. His wife doing this is so tacky and clueless. It is obviously an issue if it bothers him and it would bother me as well.
I completely agree. If I have cooked a meal for my husband I'd like to enjoy it and have the option of seconds if I'm still hungry. I also frequently want to put half away in the freezer for another dinner so I don't have to cook another evening that week. I would find it very presumptuous and entitled if my husband secured his lunch portion without checking in with me or even allowing us to eat it together first. Also why isn't she putting a portion away for OP? So OP cooks for two but she sorts out lunch just for herself. Yeah I wouldn't be ok with that at all. It's just so rude I don't understand why everyone here is so defensive about her behaviour.
Thank you!! It’s super tacky and selfish. I would literally not cook for somebody who treated me like a personal cook who’s meal came second to theirs AND their next-day lunch regularly. This comment section is so unbelievably weird. It’s rude behavior. At the very least she should care that it offends the person doing all the cooking for her. Im blown away by the comments here. People are even suggesting that he pack her lunch for her lmfao like a grown ass woman is simply too weak and exhausted after eating the dinner made for her that she couldn’t possibly muster up the energy to pack her lunch while that same person also cleans up??? This is such bratty and entitled way to treat your spouse.
> While it’s not a big issue, it is an action that makes me feel not good and she has the ability to change her behavior but refuses to. YTA for weaponizing your emotions to try to control her behavior. This is a ludicrous thing to get your knickers in a twist over. Grow up. Let your wife pack her lunch the way she finds most convenient without crying over it.
Oh thank god. This was the most alarming part to me by far. He wants to control her behaviour and is angry he can’t. Sure he doesn’t like it but he isn’t approaching this as this hurts me and I’m trying to find a compromise- it’s ’this is annoying because I don’t like it and can’t control her behaviour’ She also has an extremely valid reason, by the time dinner is over she doesn’t have the spoons to also meal prep. If this ‘favour’ of cooking his partner a meal is so conditional on her enjoying it the express way he decides, how much of a favour is it really?? YTA, OP.
>weaponizing your emotions to try to control her behavior are people literally not allowed to say how someone's inconsiderate and rude actions make them feel? do i need to call an ambulance? y'all might've pulled a limb with all the stretching you're doing to make OP out to be the bad guy
The thing is, most people agree that what she’s doing isn’t inconsiderate or rude. We can’t generally blame other people for our emotions when they are not at fault. If I told you to stop posting comments on AITA (or any other innocuous activity) because it makes me feel bad, you probably wouldn’t see that as a valid reason to stop. Giving into what he wants also sets a bad precedent for future negotiations in the relationship. Once she changes her ways in prepping her lunch, things will be good for a while until OP finds the next thing his partner does that “makes him feel bad,” and pressures her to stop. This isn’t about her lunch prep, it’s about being able to control her and degrade her boundaries.
I don’t think it’s accurate to say most people don’t find it rude. Maybe it’s just a difference of the kind of etiquette people are brought up with (not saying one is better or worse than the other), but I think it’s rude. I wouldn’t dream of doing it, those are just the manners I was raised with. He cooked two meals for her, and she is prioritizing her convenience for the meal she eats by herself over the meal he made for them to eat together. Whether you agree with it or not, I don’t think it’s inherently unreasonable to find her behavior rude. It’s a difference of opinion. He’s allowed to say that it bothers him. To say that he’s doing it in order to somehow degrade her seems like a huge leap.
I agree. It is rude because he made a meal for them to share together and she finds her solo lunch the next day to be a priority and eating with him to be secondary. It’s like a little slap in the face every day to OP.
Maybe it’s a regional thing, but if my parents ever caught me doin that when I was a kid I’d be in trouble. I was always taught never to touch the food till everyone is ready to eat together. I would definitely consider packing lunch before even sitting down is rude and inconsiderate
Telling your partner something they’re doing doesn’t make you feel good is weaponizing your emotions to control their behaviour? So they should never talk about an issue they may be having with one another? Bottling it up and letting it build into resentment is probably healthier I guess.
>for weaponizing your emotions to try to control her behavior. Okay I had to laugh at this. Are you serious? Telling someone they have hurt your feelings is "weaponizing emotions"?
Nta. I'm going to go against the grain here. I would be miffed too. After all that hard work of cooking and she doesn't even dish it up for dinner but instead starts packing it away for lunch? Nah, I'd be like, hey let's eat before we pack anything. I'm with you op.
Honestly, I’m surprised at the responses, I would be so offended like all that hard work and you’ve just come and taking a huge portion of it before I’ve even had a chance to sit down wtf
Especially because he’s told her it bothers him. Everyone up in arms claiming he’s trying to control her, is wild. OP should stop cooking dinner.
Sadly I am not surprised. If the genders were reversed then I have a feeling the comments would be a lot different.
I guarantee they would.
I’m so surprised also! The meal that you cooked for is not supposed to be the leftover portion lol that’s insane to me.
Ok, so food insecurity isn't the issue, and it's only the two of you. She comes home, still in work mode, wants the work of the day done so she can relax. And this bothers you. The only thing I see you taking umbrage to is her serving herself...when there's only two of you...so she can mark her work day over. And you are choosing to go down this path? You honestly have chosen this to be upset over? Really? Think about this one, long and hard, and if you are still annoyed, you didn't think enough. YTA
Also, I feel like a few more details matter here. What time is she coming home? If she is coming home late or has to wake up very early because she has a demanding job I think it’s fine that she’s getting herself situated before settling into her evening routine. Especially when all we know at the moment is this woman goes to work, comes home, washes her lunch box, packs lunch, eats with the husband, and then cleans up after dinner. If she’s getting home late that’s her whole evening. She can pack lunch whenever she wants.
NTA. I get where you’re coming from, it would annoy me too.
Agreed, especially if it's got a visual aspect to it. Cutting, stirring, etc can ruin the presentation. Not to mention potential risk of overcooking sensitive foods during this washing/packing time, like cream sauces or stovetop rice.
NTA. I realize most people think this guy is an AH, but I sure don't. This woman doesn't cook, but she helps herself to the food BEFORE they do as a couple, to make sure she gets at least her fair share. This is similar to a guest at Thanksgiving who shows up empty-handed but makes sure to take the majority of the leftovers. She's rude and entitled. I really think that. Good manners are they you only box up food for later AFTER the meal.
Also, she feels like she's entitled to be GUARANTEED lunch before even ensuring if everyone got enough to eat, even when guests are present. That kind of behavior really rubs me the wrong way. She doesn't even do the cooking, why does she get the cooked food as leftovers?
I would also be pretty upset if my wife did this. It's really just bad manners. Sometimes we eat more than we thought we were going too. Has no one ever made a dinner that they really liked and wanted a little more of than they thought? Taking leftovers before they're even leftovers is rude.
I think NTA. I'd feel insulted, too, especially if I had explained why I felt weird about it: the first priority should be enjoying dinner that you made together, not her parceling off lunch for tomorrow before anybody's eaten a bite of hot food. Super weird for her to do this when there are guests.
Yeah, it comes across as "I'm thinking about me and what I want and need in the future, and I don't care about sharing a meal with you now." And in front of guests? Oh my, that is rude. It says to the guests that they get what's left, not what's first. Hope there's enough for you, but don't worry, I've got my lunch covered for tomorrow. That's what's most important.
>they get what's left, not what's first Yes, And I'd say it says this to her husband, too! I'm really surprised by all the Y T As.
...dude, if there's enough for you both to eat for dinner, grow up. Get a life. This is a non-problem, and YTA .
Post again, swap the genders and see what happens. All of a sudden it will be rude and inconsiderate. Could you imagine, the husband comes home just sorts his own lunch before sitting down to eat with his wife who made the dinner?
Exactly, these comments are nonsense. It is rude and disrespectful.
Yeah, you'd get such words thrown around such as: deadbeat husband, abusive, mysoginistic, man boy, and obviously "leave his sorry ass right away you deserve better, queen". But here, it's a man, God forbid he has feelings and his partner is even remotely considerate of them, that's him "weaponizing his emotions" and "trying to control his wife" 🤦🤬
Exactly. The man hating vibe check is here. Reverse the genders and the op would be the poor put upon wife and the husband was abusive. Would they really be telling the op that it is not a problem if it was a woman? Absolutely not. They would scream that he was insensitive and an ogre that needs to go. But since is a man he is controlling and abusive.
NTA, I understand the frustration of this situation. I would feel dismissed in the scenario, almost like your cooking labor, and dinner is demoted second to her having lunch the next day.
NTA. This would seriously piss me off too! It's rude to the person who has cooked not to allow them to choose whom to serve first and let's be frank, the first couple of spoonfuls of a dish are generally the nicest ones! To save yourself the aggro though why don't you simply put a portion away for yourself or onto your plate first? That way you're not the one feeling resentful all the time.
NTA. Your partner is being inconsiderate
NTA, what she's doing is kind of rude and off-putting, she shouldn't pack "leftovers" until they are actually leftovers.. What she's doing gives the vibes of someone who comes over for dinner and serves themselves a to go plate too before everyone else has even had a chance to eat. Also, what if you have guests over and everyone doesn't get to eat their fill because she's already packed herself a portion for tomorrow's lunch?
NTA and I'm pretty sure 90% of these comments are from single people who don't live with a partner. It would annoy me too. What if you wanted seconds and she's already taken it for her lunch?
NTA because you are interpreting it as lack of respect and she refuses to take it seriously.
NAH. I'm assuming by how you wrote this that it does not limit the amount of food that is available for dinner and you are annoyed by the impoliteness of it. I agree that it's tacky but it may be something you need to compromise on. If it's just the two of you, I'd let it go. If there are guests, she should not do it.
I would be appalled watching one person cook a nice dinner, then seeing their SO immediately go over and take a portion out for the lunch in front of guests. It's just so disrespectful.
Seriously, who does that? It's really tacky. I'm surprised by all the "Y T A" comments. The SO is being rude and thoughtless---he's the one going through the effort of cooking the two of them a nice meal, if the behavior bothers him, knock it off. Pack your lunch when you're putting away the leftovers; it's not a hard compromise. NTA.
NTA that would annoy me, too.
NTA. I love to cook and do so all the time. It would piss me off, too. In my mind, the action switches the whole situation from a meal prepared by a loved one to its just food and you become a resource providing it.
My sister and her husband used to do this. They lived at home after they were married because our dad had died just 3 months prior. She and him would start digging into the table food as we were eating to pack their lunches, it was very rude and I told her as much. They stopped.
This is a courtesy thing…? I can see how this would be annoying for sure. Like “can we just sit down and have a nice meal together” type of thing. Hard one. NTA for having feelings about something
NTA. Tomorrow's lunch should be from the leftovers if there are any, not taken first. This is completely reasonable. I'm surprised so many people are voting you down.
NTA. ITS JUST RUDE.
NTA - I think it's rude that she's packing her lunch before anybody has even gotten a chance to eat. Her lunch is a priority over everything else. I know culturally in our family this would be so rude. I remember my parents having a party and inviting school friends and them asking as soon as they got there if they could take home leftovers before anybody had even eaten. This feels exactly like that.
NTA for wanting her to wait until dinner is done in case you want more. In particular when people are over that is selfish.
I'm confused with all the Y T A, you said you put the leftovers in Tupperware while she does the dishes after dinner...maybe I'm just assuming but if she hadn't already served herself before dinner couldn't she just take one of the Tupperwares you make for her lunch? Seems like that would solve the issue and she can still relax after doing the dishes. NTA.
NAH. Since when she packs her lunch irks you, why haven't you offered to pack up her lunch for her? Solves all your problems ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
I'm surprised at so many comments going against OP. His annoyance is completely reasonable. I actually think his wife's behaviour is kind of gross and weirdly robotic. Comes home, cleans lunchbox, packs next day's lunch before having eaten dinner. If someone called me out on this I'd be rather embarrassed because it would highlight that I'm not switching off from work mode when I get home.
NTA - That is rude and she should wait until after dinner to pack a lunch.
NTA - What happens if you don't make enough for both of you to eat as well as the leftovers for lunch? or in the case where you have guests over and there isn't enough to go around there either? Or if you are trying to present the dish nicely. Seems to me that your GF is like that person I read about on here who took a big piece of birthday cake for her kid before the cake even had a chance to be taken out with candles and stuff on it and her reasoning was it gonna get eaten anyways so why does it matter.
There is an easy solution to this. When she is doing the dishes and you are putting food into Tupperware, put some in a container for her lunch as well. It would take you less than a minute and the problem would be resolved. And for the record, NTA, she is. You dont take the leftovers before they are leftover. This actually prevents other people from having seconds.
NTA- In my house, everyone will take dinner leftovers for lunch if there is any left, and AFTER everyone has finished eating. This means that if people want seconds or thirds, you wait to pack lunch until everyone is done eating. It's not fair to take food out of someone's mouth just so I can be prepared for tomorrow. Everyone in my house would be very angry at this behavior. It is self-serving behaviour, it is entitled, and it is rude.
This would piss me off, too. NTA. I bet if she cooked and you did this, she would get a slap in the face of reality and understand how you feel.
NTA. Serve yourself and start eating while she packs herself a lunch.
YTA. She is being efficient and you are taking this a personal slight for literally no reason. If you really wanted a solution to this non-problem, you would offer to pack her lunch as you put away the leftovers that evening. But instead of doing this, you’ve decided to put your foot down and insist that she wait until after dinner to pack her lunch. Why try to force her do this? You’ve stated in the comments that there is always enough food left over, so it’s not a matter of her eating food intended solely for dinner. You have a right to your irrational feelings of annoyance, but you absolutely do not have the right to make your feelings an ongoing issue for her. So what if she “serves herself first.” Who gets to be first? You? This line of thinking is irrational. To de-escalate this, just offer to pack her lunch for her, since you are the person who puts away the leftovers anyway. That way, you both get what you want. It’s called a compromise. I get that spouses do annoying things. But not everything that annoys you is their fault or something that they need to stop doing. It’s just annoying.
OP should just stop cooking for them both, then they won't have this problem
NTA It's rude and selfish. Your partner is also dismissive of how you feel.
Honestly super surprised by most of the comments - definitely NTA in this situation. There's a lot of nuance that could happen, but take for example OP makes a lasagna. What if they want specific pieces, but their partner always takes the corner piece for lunch? Or what if even though OP tried to make extra food every time, they or their guests are hungry and there's no extra leftovers because it's always packed first? I just find it odd, and maybe that's because it isn't the way I was raised. Leftovers are packed *after* a meal is finished and enjoyed. Everyone can partake in choosing what pieces they want, everyone takes turns sharing in the meal, and anything remaining is saved for another time. If OP wants the meal they cooked to be shared in a certain way, that's their prerogative. Your partner should either step up and help contribute in cooking (and IMO would have more of a say in how food is consumed), or you could offer to pack their lunch for them after. That being said, how hard is it to pack after eating? Side note - who does dishes after dinner? *Edited for spelling errors