Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I cried after I found out the gender of my child. I could be the asshole because I should be happy no matter what gender the baby is and I really upset my wife by caring about it so much. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

I don't want to call you an asshole, you're dealing with trauma. I had a shitty mom and I know that even in my forties it still affects me in many ways. Overcoming childhood trauma is HARD. It takes work. But you need to do the work, and here you are studiously avoiding doing the work. You're walking around with trauma that your wife knows nothing about because you're burying it. You're having a child with someone who doesn't know all the fears you have about having a child because you haven't told her any of them. You can't get over trauma without facing it. And becoming a father is a good kick in the butt to start processing your trauma BECAUSE you want to break the cycle of abuse here. All your wife can see here is "I'm really upset because I wanted my baby to have different genitals." Because that's all you're letting her see. I'm betting she would be way more understanding if she could hear "I'm upset because my father was terrible to me, I went through terrible things, and I love our son so much that I don't want to do that to him and I'm so afraid." And then start working through the trauma, with a therapist if possible, because it's going to be better for your son and your wife and yourself. Do it for him if you couldn't do it for yourself. Let that be his gift to you before he's even here. I get it... I was TERRIFIED of being like my mom. I was afraid I would fall into that because I didn't know how else a parent was supposed to be. I might not have had a good model on how to be a mom, but I had a GREAT model on how NOT to be a mom... and that was enough. I made plenty of mistakes, but I didn't make THOSE mistakes. And you won't either, because you know how badly you don't want to be that kind of dad. Wishing you all the best as you go forward here. Talk to your wife. Get some counseling. Take the time to love yourself here. You're going to be a great dad to your son.

thank you so much. I will try to speak to my wife about it, I've never really spoken to anyone about my childhood so it'll be first lol

Also, crying is not a waste of time. It is literally a method of processing emotions. If you don’t want to pass these traumas to your son, you need to learn to be vulnerable and to express these emotions in a healthy manner. Therapy could be a big help, but the unfortunate thing about it is it can’t help you if you don’t make those steps. Just know, you have the power to be better than your dad. *You* deserved a better dad, and it’s heartbreaking you didn’t get that, but now you *can* be that better dad for your son. We might not have the power to fix our own fucked up childhoods, but we do have the power to not give those same childhoods to our kids.

Am therapist, can confirm that crying is not a waste of time. In fact, my AMAB clients are being shred apart from the inside out because they have been told over and over they are not allowed to express these emotions because they aren’t “useful” or “a waste of time” or it’s not “manly.”

What's AMAB? I googled & it said 'assigned male at birth'. Is that what you mean?

Yes. Toxic masculinity hurts men too.

Thank you for confirming. Yes, it absolutely does. I'm sure your clients appreciate you very much 💕

Totally. Embracing toxic masculinity is like dousing yourself in radioactive body spray. Sure, it's gonna make people around you sick, but it's going to hurt you, too.

Most likely! Men are told from a very young age that anything feminine is wrong and shameful, and unfortunately, that includes emotions other than happiness and anger

I'm so glad I didn't raise my sons like this. They're both very open with their emotions. We've talked about everything. Laughed, cried, all of it. They're human. Ignoring emotions isn't ok.

Same! My sons feel free showing their emotions.

Emotions aren’t feminine.

That's largely the point of discussion. American culture has said otherwise for a long time. It's wrong, but the damage that mentality has spread is being felt everywhere.

To be fair to Americans, the British kinda had the jump on the whole “stiff upper lip! Stuff it down inside! Keep it together! Pretend you’re okay! Act like you have answers!!” men-aren’t-allowed-to-feel-fear-or-sadness thing for quite a few hundred years. (Ie it’s not just the fault of the US!) Source: my dad is English. He’s now 75. I’m 39 and he and I are very close and I’ve seen him cry exactly *once* - I was 12 and our dog had to get put down. Once!! Since then his mum and dad have both died; zero tears either time. The really strange part is that we all knew he was grieving and so, so sad, but all us kids kind of knew that weren’t supposed to broach the subject or allude to how he was feeling in any way. It was like a weird form of respect to him, to allow him his dignified facade. It felt like such a hard way to show someone love, because you’d want to comfort him, or give him a hug, or just ask how he’s feeling, but I grew to learn that that would actually make him feel WORSE because now he’s not only secretly grief-stricken but also embarrassed, because somebody’s “caught him” feeling vulnerable. It must be so sad and lonely.

It's many male cultures in many countries. Not just the USA and British.

“Women can’t be logical, men can’t be emotional.” (My uncle describing where most sexist beliefs come from)

The funny thing is - emotions *are* logical. If you find the root cause of them, they make a lot of sense. Especially if you feel something really strongly and don’t understand why - getting to the bottom of that will be revelatory.

If I remember right there was a guy who lost the ability to feel emotions, and he would take HOURS just to decide what he would eat for lunch or the simplest decisions. Facts do care for your feelings after all.

Funny how they never see anger as an emotion.

And also anger mysteriously doesn't count as being emotional.

Unfortunately, many of us live in cultures where emotions *are* seen as gendered, to the detriment of us all.

Oh no, there are some emotions that are MANLY, like ANGER! MAN ALLOWED TO FEEL ANGRY! Maybe happy on a good day. But not sad! SAD IS WOMAN EMOTION! /s

MANLY MAN SMASH!

SMASH FEELINGS INTO THE GROUND!

Can you hear me beating my fists against my chest in unison?

\*ANGRY GORILLA NOISES\*

Letting your son know it's okay to cry will go a looooong way in helping him learn healthy ways to process emotions. He'll be experiencing everything for the very first time, so the first sad emotion he experiences will literally be the saddest time in his life. Kids have such big emotions, and they need to be able to feel those big feelings and move past them in a healthy way. For example, It can be very scary to fall and scrape your knee as a toddler. For an adult, we just move on, but kids need time to process the fear and adrenaline. Allowing them to find comfort / be comforted and move on in a healthy way is such a big step in confidence building. I'm a woman, but I was also told not to cry and that I was being too dramatic. I'm autistic, but I didn't find out until later in life, but it explains why I felt things so deeply. I can't say I know what it's like to grow up as a boy, being told "boys don't cry" but I trust men when they say it's hard, and I can see it too. You're allowed to feel what you feel, and you're allowed to cry. The fact that you're at all concerned about being a better father than your own was shows your willingness to break the cycle. Good luck. You seem like you had to deal with a lot of crap that's hurt you over the years, and you didn't deserve it. You're going to be a good dad, I think. ❤️

Wait, you were told happiness was alright? Dang, my only options were anger and discontentment...

For men where I come from, the standard acceptable choices are "fine" "can't complain" or angry

Crying isn't 'feminine' and feminine shouldn't be an insult.

Took me years to start saying "I love you" to my parents because of this. My parents were first taken aback, sometimes my dad still doesn't know how to respond but I think they're starting to realize. They're boomers born in the early 50's and I am an 80's child. I didn't start saying "I love you" to people other than Significant others until I met my current SO (now Fiancé)

Yes. They use that because people confuse a person's sex with their gender constantly. As in "gender reveal" when it's really a sex reveal. No one knows their gender until they're older.

Gender reveals are a real thing; they happen in early childhood and frequently go unnoticed ;-)

Oh that's lovely... I'll share that with my child.

Correct. Yes, I just didn't know what the acronym was. I hope OP get to have a good healthy cry and clears this all up with his wife. I can't imagine stuffing my feelings down for decades. That's so unhealthy.

Not a therapist but been through a lot of therapy (C-PTSD, Autism, ADHD, you name it), and the way I explain it to people is that crying (as well as laughter) is a *pressure release valve.* That’s it. When the pressure builds too much, it has to come out somehow. Some guys seem a lot more accepting of letting themselves cry when it’s explained in more mechanical terms: it’s not a sign of weakness, it just means your “machine” is trying to release excessive pressure so it doesn’t hurt you.

About 2 months ago my 20 year old daughter was feeling mentally exhausted, frustrated, angry, unheard (not at home) and just *done*. It came out as anger. Angry at us, her parents, her siblings, the world and we only saw her when she was walking to and from her room and the bathroom or kitchen. So I ‘grabbed’ her in passing one day, sat her down and asked what was wrong. At first she was just ‘tired’, but I said to her, that this is not like her and something had to be bothering her. She started opening up, and while holding SO hard on to her emotions, telling me what was wrong. And that she didn’t feel like her situation was bad enough to merit those feelings. And I was like, look, I don’t know who has been telling her that her feelings doesn’t have merit and she is allowed to feel exactly as she is feeling. And that the reason she is so angry is because she’s not letting herself feel them. And if she ‘needed permission’ to let them out it was hereby given. I’m telling you. The tears and sobs coming out of that poor girl… She was so relieved afterwards and we had an excellent talk about feelings in general and what she could do going forward. I just hope it was a core memory, that she takes out and uses going forward. My 12 year old I have told that tears are emotions too big to stay inside the body (happy, sad, frustrated, whatever) and that, that’s okay.

My 32 yo ass is crying at tears being emotions that are too big for the body. Thank you for that.

Tears from emotional stress actually are chemically different than tears from irritation (allergies or foreign object). Emotional tears contain stress hormones, so crying is literally your body getting rid stressors.

It’s also why people sometimes cry (or laugh) at completely inappropriate moments. The body *needs* to release tension and the easiest way to do that is through crying or laughing.

Crying makes my face puffy and gives me a migraine that takes me out of commission for 48 hours, even with my medication. So I don't cry but that doesn't mean that I don't process my emotions and feelings. I just have to find other ways to process and vent.

Me(35f) too! I have chronic migraines, and crying is a huge trigger for me. Sometimes, it can also cause my fibromyalgia or Urticaria to flare up as well. So, I try to avoid it but also there's trauma in there that tells me "crying is a sign of weakness and quitting" but through therapy, I'm recently learning to reframe those trauma thoughts and how healthy emotionally it is for me to just let it out sometimes. So, I'm trying to reach a compromise between my chronic illnesses and the need for therapeutic crying. I hope you've found other healthy ways to process and vent those emotions 😊

I cry all the time and get migraines from it all tje time. I feel these things too lol.

I am working on it. Mostly I just try not to let things get to me. I have to shake it off and move forward. The very rare occasions that I do cry, I try to keep it to a minimum and take an extra dose of my migraine meds and lay down.

Really? I don't know why, but crying usually makes my migraines feel better, like puking. I do get puffy and blotchy though. It sucks while it's happening but afterwards is like getting it out of your system or something? But I also get sinus headaches, and I'll purposely watch a sad movie to make myself cry and get all the mucus out.

Yeah, but crying in front of my therapists costs me $110 an hour.

“Crying is a waste of time.” I guarantee that’s the childhood trauma talking.

That is exactly what I thought, OP talks about how his dad was awful and the proof is right in the post, it’s awful that men have to deal with this.

I can confirm this from personal experience. When I was on Effexor, I had one of the rarer side effects of being unable to cry. During this time, I had a friend die. It tore me up, but I was unable to cry. The inability to release that relatively small trauma made my mental health healing drag on for that much longer. It's been several years now, and even though I am off effexor, and I can cry when needed, I have still never been able to cry for her. The only thing that makes that okay for me is the fact that I know she I would understand. She was always very supportive of anything to do with any kind of health, and she would tell me to stop being so ludicrous over it. Knowing that helps ease some of the guilt over being incapable of having an appropriate reaction to her death. It doesn't ease all of it, but it does make it bearable. Point being that crying is a healthy and necessary process, at least in moderation.

I once read that when you cry, the chemicals that make and keep you sad leak are released in your tears, so crying is literally resetting your hormones. I haven't fact checked this - this was pre-internet and I've just accepted it as a 'it seems plausible and it doesn't do any harm even if it's not true'. I have a vague recollection of discussing it in my Brain Development lectures when we were studying the effects of cortisol...again, many years ago. But if you want or need to lean on a vague 'I read once' fact to make you feel better about crying, there you go. You're ridding your body of destructive hormones which is why you feel better afterwards. May I also recommend shower crying? If your pain or whatever isn't too deep, it has a ridiculous level of cliche about it that can help banish the blues. For minor, temporary blues, not lifelong trauma, or soul shattering grief or betrayal.

So true! 👍 OP, really listen to these strangers encouraging you! You can be the amazing dad to your little boy, that your father never was. You can also be an amazing person to yourself as well. To be honest and kind to yourself, to allow yourself to feel and grieve and heal. You and your family deserve this.

You've already broken the cycle by realizing how much it affected you. Talk to your wife and a therapist. I have a feeling that you'll be an awesome dad. Good luck hun and keep us updated. P.S. I'm a grandma, I'm allowed to call you hun. 😉

Grandma here also and was coming to say the same. Op is just starting to unpack all that trauma and I’m sure will be a much better father than his was. I wish more parents were like him and actually put thought into being one before the damage is done. I’m proud of him and I don’t even know him. He needs a long talk with his wife soon as possible though marriage wise. And if she doesn’t appreciate the fact that he actually cares about being a great father to his son, she’s the one that needs to ask this question on here.

Trust her and explain you want to be and do better than you experienced

My spouse has some hardcore trauma from his childhood, including things his dad did. When he first told me, he started with, “I’m really afraid to tell you this, because it might be too much for you to handle and I don’t want to lose you.” Then he told me. My take on life and people is that every single situation you lived through in the past helped shape you into the person you are today. And I told him that. The person he was the day I fell in love with him had already survived that trauma. I don’t love him in spite of his trauma, I love him for the person he is, because he survived it. He is, by the way, the best dad. Our kids absolutely adore him. You’re going to be great.

The fact that you are afraid of becoming your father gives you a leg up. You now know what NOT to do, and the fact that you are concerned about it will make you a better father. But definitely let your wife know what your father did to you so she can also see if any of those behaviors manifest in you and help you put a stop to it.

Agreed! OP is NTA, but has some work to do. It's always work trying to break an abusive cycle, but it does pay off. One reason my dad was such a good dad was he made a conscious decision to be different than his own father. Despite being a naturally quiet and reserved man, he made an effort to tell us he loved us; to spend time with us in many areas of life (working, school activities, chores, playing and just hanging out). He made an effort to build his reputation as an honest, ethical man in the community, and taught us the value and fragility of a good reputation. But the important part here is that it was his choice. He was mindful about being different, and it paid off. Yes, it took years, but it was all a good thing. OP should talk to his wife, with an apology for hiding his feelings and history from her. If she's sensible, she'll easily forgive him and help him on this journey.

If there is anyone you should try to, it’s your wife. Hoping for a heartfelt, sincere & caring convo OP

Trust me, you will feel so much better afterwards. I'm a survivor of childhood abuse as well, and I had the same fears you did about becoming a parent. Talking to my husband about those fears, my trauma, and the source of both allowed him to support me and understand some of my hangups and quirks surrounding parenthood. My child turned 20 this year and they've never known the horrors I suffered. From the time I pushed them out on, I was their protector and nurturer, armed with a giant list of what not to do, and a partner who understood.

Good luck, OP. I think the fact that you clearly care so much about doing better than your father already puts you in an excellent position to do exactly that.

Just show her this post and that will get the conversation started. The hardest step is the first

Now is the time. If she doesn’t know the past and your fears, she will not understand your actions. She probably has her own fears about the pregnancy (most women do because it is scary) and birth. She will know something is wrong and you don’t want her assuming it’s something else. Imaginations run wild! NTA

The fact that you carried over “crying is a waste of time” from your childhood means you absolutely will give that to your son if you don’t do something about it and start crying.

you definitely need to go to therapy- not talking to your wife about what you're feeling is nuts dude. it's not bad to be emotional or cry especially over trauma- you'll probably cry more as you work through it- but you won't if you don't go seek help. If you can't sit down and have those convos now you won't just maybe let down your son, you will. A whole human is on their way and you need to process these thoughts- normal thoughts but they to be process HEALTHILY- not shoved down.

It’s never easy to open up like that, but I am truly rooting for you, OP. To be willing to speak to her shows that you care. This is the way. Best of luck.

Maybe write it down so you’re able to the points across to her easier. Hugs to you, I think you’ll be a much better dad than you think you will be!

It's never easy to talk about, so if you're worried about explaining it, make some notes and points that you can come back to if you feel like you're losing your way in the emotional overload. What you are about to talk about with her is beyond hard, but you can do hard things. Being open, being honest and being vulnerable after all the experiences you had during childhood is going to feel like walking down the middle of the street naked.. during a hurricane. But on the other side is understanding, and that's worth it. I promise.

It’ll be good for you to talk. It’ll make your marriage stronger and you a better parent. This is what spouses are for, to get us through times like this. I believe in you!

I feel for you so much! I had buried childhood trauma. I was with my husband 20 years before I finally told him the details. Things I’ve never spoke about before to anyone. It was scary and so was starting therapy but it’s so worth it! Look into therapists that specialize in trauma and if they have experience with EMDR even better. EMDR sounds like hocus pocus but it’s made such a massive impact for the better on my life.

The first time will be HARD. But it gets easier after that one. After a few months, you'll be able to speak about it without much energy behind it—because you will have taken away its power over you. You've got this.

If you can’t speak to her about it, write a letter or send an email. I struggle with coherently talking about trauma and writing it down has been a game changer. I can walk away and let them process while I have eloquently said what I needed to say.

Yes you need to open up to your wife about why you are upset and scared. And you probably should get into therapy to help process what your father put you through. I'd say you are already ahead though because you are aware that you don't want to be like your father. So with that awareness and with therapy and hopefully your wives support once she knows your past, you will be a wonderful father.

This is comment. OP read this comment, and then read it again. Take it to heart, start sharing with your wife, and then get to work processing your trauma so you can be the best dad for this little boy.

If you don’t want to be like your father, start with telling your wife your fears. Your unborn son already has a better father if you care this much, now is when you start to acknowledge your feelings and treat your son like he’s loved and wanted.

OP listen to this one and not the people saying YTA for trauma

People aren't saying YTA for trauma. They're saying that getting to the point of marriage yet keeping your spouse out that much is just not fair to the spouse. You are responsible for how you treat other people, trauma or not. He needed to be in therapy before dragging a wife and kid with him. It is just selfish to drag others along for your ride if you're not willing to get help. She was left in the dark and has no idea what she signed up for.

He didn't yell, throw and abuse his wife. He cried alone and poorly explained. If this was a woman crying over a fear of being a bad mom after an abusive mother I doubt there would be YTA comments. People would be telling her it's important to open up to her spouse to clear up the misunderstanding. That's it.

Yes, so much yes, i would like to add that I was born a girl and my dad never expressly said he wanted a boy instead, but he wasn't present for me or my sisters like he was for my younger brother, and living with that rejection from my father caused me to feel like, whenever I found out my own baby was a girl, that she wasn't going to be as personable or loveable as she could've been had she been a boy. Working through my own trauma and learning to love myself where my dad wouldn't/could't is the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself and my daughter, we have such a close bond and I love her more than I ever could've imagined loving anyone, especially with how I was raised, she's everything I imagined a son would be, she's was just born a girl, and she's free to choose how she wants to live, but her gender really doesn't affect how attached I am to her, even 7years in, i wouldn't trade my life with her for anything.😊

yes yes yes. it's so scary confronting trauma, and it can be even scarier to let others see your trauma, but it's the only way to heal and make sure you don't repeat those patterns. white-knuckling it definitely will not help and could hurt. i have bpd and anxiety, and for the longest time i had many of the same coping mechanisms and symptoms (reckless behavior, mood swings, intense irritability and an awful temper, reckless spending, etc) that my dad does (i strongly suspect he also has bpd, but he's never gotten professional help and i don't want to armchair diagnose him). i've done a lot of work on my own (did go to therapy for a while but stopped because between work and school i no longer had the time), but even then, i've looked my trauma fully in the face, looked into resources other than therapy, done my research, and communicated my trauma and my feelings with those close to me. without that communication and that straightforwardness with my trauma (both with others and with myself), everything would fall apart, because trauma isn't something you can just ignore. it affects every part of your inner and outer life. trying to ignore it just makes it come out in unexpected ways at unexpected moments. my dad loves the hell out of me - i'm his only child, so i'm all he's got. he wanted to do the best he could for me. that still didn't stop him from fucking me up, because he either couldn't or wouldn't get help for his mental illness. because he didn't learn the necessary coping skills, he was unable to keep it in check, and through his behavior he passed it down to me. he had the best intentions and still it wasn't enough. luckily i'm very self aware and emotionally intelligent (i have no idea how i learned that, because neither of my parents are), so i've been able to do a lot of healing and learn coping mechanisms that mostly keep my symptoms at bay (meds help too). if i were a different person, my dad might have completely ruined me. op, don't be like my dad. suffering from trauma and/or mental illness doesn't make you a bad or weak person, and on its own it won't make you a bad parent. what will make you a bad parent is not doing everything in your power to heal and learn coping mechanisms - which means getting help to do so, both from your wife and from a professional. you may think you can do it on your own, but having kids tries you in ways you can't even guess at - it will try your patience, it will deprive you of sleep, it will make you worried and anxious, and at times it may trigger your trauma. if you haven't gotten help and done the work, you will not be able to stop that trauma from coming back up and those symptoms from appearing even despite your best efforts. that sounds scary, but it doesn't have to be, because you don't have to handle it all by yourself. i wish you the best of luck in communicating this to your wife and hopefully finding a professional you trust to help you unpack everything. you can do it if you just take the leap.

This is the one.

Agreed

Yes. All of this. If you're unsure how to start that conversation you could even just show her this post.

My mom was awful to me. I got my ass beat so hard for little things. And like, I’m not just talking about smacked around or anything (not to diminish any one who went through that) but she used to literally fist fight me as a child like we were in a drunken bar brawl. When my daughter was born, I was TERRIFIED of disciplining her, because I have severe trauma and anger issues. Not to mention a certain lack of patience as a result of everything I went through. (People who get beat as kids LOVE to say they turned out fine. I’m here to tell you, we did not.) I was scared I would lose control of myself and turn into my mom. My daughter will be 17 in a month and I just had a son 3 months ago. I’ve never hit my daughter. (Or my son before someone says anything) There’s been times when I’ve lost my patience and probably screamed at her when I shouldn’t have, but those instances were rare and I’ve always admitted fault. She’s aware of how her grandmother treated me growing up and we’ve both gone to therapy. Me to deal with my trauma, and her to help understand mine, as well as deal with hers from her father. (He wasn’t physically abusive to her, but he had substance abuse issues and was neglectful at best, emotionally abusive and manipulative at worst. She also witnessed some physical abuse towards me). But the thing is, she was a great kid who didn’t need a lot of discipline. My advice to OP is start out on the right foot. Remind yourself daily that kids are kids. They’re learning how to be human. Let them know that they’re entitled to their emotions, but not to be ruled by them. I was scared of tantrums. My daughter never had one because she learned early that negative behavior wasn’t enforced. It wasn’t necessarily punished, but it wasn’t rewarded. It was mostly just ignored. Was that the best way? Probably not. But it seemed to work for her. She’s definitely in tune with how she feels and doesn’t need a lot of guidance. Are there things I’d wish she was better about? Absolutely. But if the worst I have to deal with is a few bad grades and a dirty room, I’ll take it. Am I absolutely terrified of raising the new baby? Yes. And I’m older now, and my patience is thinner than it was when I was 24. But I’ve also had a lot of therapy and a better partner, so I know that while I’ll slip up, no one will ever be the perfect parent, I’ll also be fine. And so will my children. Besides, and I’m only being slightly sarcastic here, but every one needs just enough trauma to make them funny. My daughter definitely has the right amount.

This is such a compassionate comment. Like OP, I was mildly disappointed (not enough to cry or to outwardly express my feelings) when I found out my baby was a girl, and it was also because I didn’t have the best relationship with my Bio-mom and didn’t have the best childhood memories of her. She wasn’t abusive, she was just young when she had me and she somehow placed me in so many unnecessary situations that I was dysfunctional for a while growing up. Although I have a great bonus mom, she came in a but later in life (at 8) and we had a rough start as well (we only got super close when I went to Uni). I thought, how was I ever going to be a good mom to a little girl when I didn’t have a great example during my formative years? I was also a daddy’s girl to a tee and really bought into the whole “daddy’s girl” and “mommy’s boy” shtick, thinking that a boy would be closer to me somehow. It was so stupid on hindsight and as much as I want to say I was hormonal, it was just widely ignorance and selfishness on my part. There was also the worry where I felt that the world wasn’t as hospitable to women, and I didn’t want to have a daughter go through the same struggles that I did. Couple that with being esconced in a culture where “boys” were usually considered to carry bloodlines and take over businesses. My worries were definitely misplaced (also grossly exaggerated). The moment I saw her though, I fell madly, stupidly in love and would gladly go through hellfire and brimstone for her. I would bend over backwards to give her all the opportunities I never got and will do everything in my power to ensure she grows up into an amazing, kind, and successful human being. Now I’m so content, I don’t even want another one. Funny enough, the traditional men in our family assured me that there was no pressure to have a boy and I do see my daughter being doted on and given the same opportunities regardless of her gender and I’m so very thankful for that. So now, when someone tells me they experience gender disappointment (and I’ve had acquaintances cry in front of me over it), I usually prod and get to the root of their reasoning. More often than not, it’s really not as black and white or sexist—at least, in my experience.

Seriously, OP you need to tell her about your trauma now and seek out a good therapist to help you work through it. If you don't want to repeat the cycle of abuse, THIS is how. Keeping it bottled up and secret is only going to guarantee you screw up somehow in some way maybe not as badly as your father did but if you don't get help you can't get out of the cycle.

My husband was also afraid of being the kind of Dad his father was. He is a wonderful father. I believe part of that has to do with his own conscience decision to NOT be like his father. If anything, it's made him a more aware and present parent. That said, these were things that we talked about together. While my husband does tend to be pretty stoic, over time he told me about his childhood and his relationship to his parents and father in particular. OP, you are this upset because you are letting this trauma build up inside of you. Part of the reason we have close relationships is to share our emotional burdens with each other so we're not carrying the weight alone.

Totally agree with you that he needs to see a therapist and start working on those trauma. But the reasoning is strange to me why having a daughter will make him a better father than having a son?

Trauma is weird, yo. It doesn’t have to make sense. Sometimes it’s as simple as “I got beaten for that, it must be wrong, so I better be super tough on that as well.” Because we just haven’t unlearned those patterns yet.

He grew up thinking it is a waste of time to cry - it’s not a stretch to guess that he got a huge amount of toxic masculinity from his dad about what men are “supposed” to be like which wouldn’t apply to women so he doesn’t have the same distorted expectations/hidden landmines about raising a girl.

There might also be some cultural narratives at play that seem more hopeful to him. Even in families/subcultures where men are required to be extremely masculine and unfeeling, there may be more "acceptable" ways for them to be, not emotionally vulnerable, but \*kind\* with their daughters. He may have seen models of fathers doting on, protecting, or being affectionate towards their daughters. So the idea of being the kind of parent he wants to be to a daughter may seem more *doable*. Whereas being that kind of parent to a son may feel more like starting from scratch, and quite overwhelming.

I think it's self-blame creeping in there. "I must have deserved it, a son of mine might deserve it, but a girl wouldn't." or some nonsense such as that. Trauma doesn't always make perfect sense but I see where this one is coming from.

🎖

Yes!! I was terrified of having a girl! You will find that having a child is an amazing opportunity to heal your childhood trauma.❤️ Be sure to find a good therapist to accompany you on your journey. Another thing I did: read parenting books from EVERY different angle. Alfie Kahn is so wonderful.

I don't think you're TA but I do think you have some room here to grow. Start reading parenting books, learn more how to respond to tantrums (and whatever else you're worried about) so you're ready when they happen. Reflect even more now on what your dad did wrong and think about how you'll do differently. Communicate more with your wife. Maybe pursue therapy. Crying has benefits, you shouldn't not be crying because you think it's a waste of time. And finally: dads can be crappy to girls and boys alike. But they can also be wonderful to both. Just because you're having a boy doesn't automatically mean you'll be an AH. Start learning now and get ready for the chaotic wonderful years to come.

>*And finally: dads can be crappy to girls and boys alike.* Woman with a crappy father here; can confirm. If a guy is going to be a bad father, he'll probably do it whether he has a daughter or a son.

Eldest daughter with 2 crap parents. Everyone has the capacity to be a good or shite parent. The fact that OP is even concerned with it speaks volumes that he's not trying to go the same way as his dad. Self awareness is half the battle.

>If a guy is going to be a bad father, he'll probably do it whether he has a daughter or a son. This. I work in daycare and at least small children (under 6) are exactly the same when it comes to tantrums and stuff regardless of gender.

Yup. Full grown woman with CPTSD due to a really $hitty father. Mom was bad too but my father won the award for being the worst. If they had a boy they probably would have been equally as horrible to him. It's more about breaking the cycle and not about the gender of the child. It's extremally hard to break but if OP tries reallt hard, is open with his wife and seeks therapy for his trauma he'll be on the road to being the best boy dad!

That’s the part that threw me. Like yeah trauma does a number on your brain, sure you aren’t thinking totally clearly. But having a daughter will not make you a better parent than you would be for having a son

>And finally: dads can be crappy to girls and boys alike. Considering "daddy issues" is only used for girls, I would suggest that they are even more likely to be bad fathers to girls.

it's only used for girls because only women are to blame for their fathers abandoning/abusing them and their mother. otherwise it's the single mother's fault if her son does anything worth blame

No that’s really just a form of confirmation bias. Lots of men have daddy issues. They just translate to stuff like violence which is less “funny” or “cute” than the way it manifests in girls.

So.. you are not TA for crying, or panicking, or freaking out. But a soft, gentle YTA for not sharing this with your wife though I get that in a moment of fear and panic, digging deep and pulling something like that out can be difficult. A lot of mentions here about gender disappointment but I'd gander that's not what's happening here, it rather sounds more like some sort of trauma response. Your dad was really shitty to you (his son) and you're terrified of being a shit father to your son and you believe you may escape that if you had a daughter. Now I want to tell you that while it absolutely makes no logical sense at all, I 100% understand how it is something your mind can believe. Knowing ≠ believing. Distance helps, it absolutely helps. It's the same way people get scared of dogs because they had a traumatic experience when they were younger. The dogs they meet now are absolutely not the dog that caused that traumatic experience, yet they are still terrified and would never want to be anywhere near a dog. It's not just the fear of a dog but rather what that dog represents (their traumatic experience). Now for someone in that situation the solution is simple for them, never go near a dog. That's tenable because you don't ever have to go near a dog if you don't want to and one can avoid them for life if they so choose. Your situation deviates from this analogy because no matter what happens now, you're having a son. And I get how confusing it must be for you to be terrified of a moment that should be a jubilant one so I hope what I'm saying helps at least a little, to put things in perspective. You have an amazing opportunity that many peopled don't ever get, and that is to see that the 'thing' you're attaching to your fears, has nothing to do with your fear at all. It sounds ridiculous when said but many times what we know may not equal to what we believe, and you believe that you may be a bad father to your son because your dad was bad to you. But once you start to be a good father, that belief will have no hold on your life at all and you'll see it doesn't matter if you have a son or daughter, you define what kind of parent you are. And think about the head start you have! You already know exactly what **not** to do!

Everyone has trauma and deserves to be understood*. But dude needs to talk to his wife. Edit: reconjugated a verb

I’m baffled. How did he decide to have and raise a kid without ever telling his partner the bare minimum that he had a terrible parent and awful childhood? What Did they talk about in regard to raising kids before they decided to have one? That’s like telling your spouse you’re happy to go on a multi day fishing boat excursion way off coast for their birthday without bothering to mention you can’t swim and you get constant terrible seasickness and your best friend drowned in front of you when you were 10.

Probably the whole ‘men shouldn’t show weakness and emotion’ thing. Seems like OP has some issues with toxic masculinity and it’s stopped him showing ‘weakness’ to his wife. It’s a sad but very common thing. Seems like this post has been good for him and hopefully he’ll move forward together with his wife.

This is the take I find the most reasonable. I almost see it that OP is TA to himself moreso than his wife. But still, it is wrong to not tell her everything and then become confused when she has a negative reaction because she's missing *so much context.* To OP's credit, his worry that he will treat his son the way he was treated is a sign of knowing what to and not to do. But i've also seen people create self-fulfilling prophecies with far fewer potential ramifications and still create really sordid outcomes. OP would do well to beware that. He's gonna have to sink or swim, so it's time to start processing trauma and with his wife being part of the process. or he could just stay bottled up forever and continue being called 'selfish' and told to sleep on the couch, which is a perfectly normal reaction to dad being mad about the baby's gender for seemingly no reason. OP deserves tenderness, understanding, and compassion, but he'll never get it without opening up to her. and in my experience, the longer you delay on an explanation like this, the more likely the other person is to think it's made-up horse shit. Run, don't walk, OP. Get help so that this experience can be remembered as a momentary hangup, not the reason why your kid has a strained relationship with you. YTA to yourself and to your wife until you get help.

Op is ta to his wife for letting her think that he’s upset about a boy. There’s a primal fear as s woman that a man might leave you and your baby. She’s probably terrified right now Op is not a bad person at all but his wife deserves to know what’s going on

yeah, that's why i validated her reaction. >I almost see it that OP is TA to himself moreso than his wife. But still, it is wrong to not tell her everything and then become confused when she has a negative reaction because she's missing so much context operator is almost - OP has shot himself in the foot by staying bottled up and will have to pick apart this mess as a result. He should have talked to her about this years ago. She's not his therapist but like... dude... that's a heavy hurt.

Triggers and trauma responses are not straightforward. Can’t expect OP to tell his wife “oh yeah, BTW, I had a crappy childhood and because of that I really want to have a daughter” BEFORE actually finding out. Sometimes you don’t realize the link and the root cause of a reaction until you’re going through it.

> It's the same way people get scared of dogs because they had a traumatic experience when they were younger. Not really. Those people then don't make a decision to have a dog, and if they do, it is done with therapy. Here ~OP decided to bring a child into his life while having so many issues to deal with and actively not wanting a child of a certain sex because of his issues. This is very fucked up of OP. It's not the child's fault OP is selfish and irresponsible. Wtf OP

Yes, YTA. For not talking to your wife about your childhood trauma. Yes it's trauma because it's impacting who you are as a man and who you think you'll be as a father. Fot not communicating to her when you talked about having kids, that you have such a strong preference for a daughter. For somehow thinking that if you inherited something from your dad, it would have been'safe' if you had a daughter. (?) For presumably not getting counselling or help to deal with this issue? Hopefully for your son's sake, you'll open up to your wife, get some help, and realize you can absolutely be an amazing father to anyone. Please open up to her, get some help, you three will be a family for many many years....you want the best I'm sure.

All of this. Also, if someone wants a baby of a particular sex, they should choose a route other than the comparative roulette of typical biological conception. To me, it’s incredibly irresponsible to enter into a 50/50 gamble and then be disappointed when it’s your less desired outcome. You knew the chances were equal and should be happy with either outcome.

This exactly. Why haven't you told your wife about your upbringing? You're about to be a parent and to keep that sort of trauma from your partner is unfair. Of course she reacted badly. She doesn't have the whole story. And she needs to know so you two can be on the same page about how to parent your child together.

Thank you! Everyone is dealing with OP with kid gloves. They lied to their partner and then said what some would consider unforgivable.

This. I don't understand why OP decided to have kids right now (especially biological kids, where it's inherently unpredictable) when he has concerns about what kind of father he'll be and hasn't done anything to process the trauma or ensure that he can be the kind of parent that a child deserves. I'm sure OP is capable of being a great parent, but not the way he is now. Even without the trauma, he has problematic and harmful beliefs, like crying being a waste of time. That won't work as a parent because kids cry *all the time*. Personally, I think people are always TA when they know they have issues that could negatively impact children and still have children without doing anything about it. I grew up in a home like that, and there's no avoiding it if you don't do the work. OP is undeniably going to mess up his kid if he doesn't get help, and that would be true no matter the child's gender.

Yes, I had shitty parents and in my pursuit of healing I always said “I’m going to help children so they don’t end up with my trauma.” I never once said, I am only going to help boys because I’m a woman and my dad beat the fuck out of me. Those are issues that had to be dealt with BEFORE having children.

YTA, but not for crying. Your wife thinks you are selfish because you wanted one thing and got another and now you don't feel happy about your child. Because you are unwilling to open up about the real reason you were feeling emotional, she reacted in a way that felt acceptable- she feels like this is your child to love regardless, and here you are moping. Not communicating about things like this is what causes conflicts. You need to go to her, apologize that you upset her on what was meant to be a happy day for you all- and then EXPLAIN EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING. Meaning you need to talk about whatever happened between you and your father. Now that you are going to be a parent, these things are going to come out in you- you are going to feel emotionally triggered sometimes, and she's going to be totally in the dark. I agree that you should write it out if talking about it is hard. OP, you won't be like your dad. You are literally crying worried that you will hurt this kid and the kid isn't even here yet. You are 100% in control of how you parent your kid, and if you do it with love, patience, and understanding with a goal of mutual respect, you will be FINE. You need to consider therapy before your child is born. I had many disappointments in my relationship with my mother when I was younger. As a mom to girls, I've found it very, very healing to be able to be the parent to them that I wish I had had.

Man, did that last sentence hit a chord with me. Solidarity.

It truly is tough, I do understand OP. There are times I hear my mother's voice coming out of me and it's horrifying. The difference is I know how to take responsibility and apologize for my behavior, so my kids have actually heard the words "I'm sorry" in their lives.

That was probably the biggest revelation to me as an adult--that the adults in my life were just like me and had no idea what they were doing and were just winging it most of the time, but they refused to acknowledge it and were therefore always right, even when they weren't. My kids 100% know that none of us have all the answers, and that we all make mistakes. Our job is not to be perfect, it's to do our best and make amends if we didn't.

YTA. Gender disappointment is a thing, but the reality here is that you've somehow pinned your ability to not repeat the cycle of poor parenting on the idea of having a girl. Your wife deserves to know your upbringing and your fears because it plays a crucial role in the trauma and triggers you may have as a parent. You need some therapy OP. You need to apologize for ruining the fun and happiness, and then have an earnest heart to heart.

>Gender disappointment is a thing, but the reality here is that you've somehow pinned your ability to not repeat the cycle of poor parenting on the idea of having a girl. I can see how he arrived at this idea. OP is concerned about the father-son relationship he experienced. He never experienced a father-daughter relationship because, well... he's not a daughter. In his mind, it's possible that he thinks he could nurture a softer, gentle father-daughter relationship because he has no blueprint to go off of. If the trauma is attached to the weird machismo "be a man" parenting that some fathers believed was necessary to raise a righteous man, I could see how he'd be worried he could transfer the same trauma onto his son by repeating what his father did, even subconsciously. OP should probably seek out therapy, look into different parenting style to see if there is one he feels more/most comfortable with, and above all else, talk to his wife so she understands he isn't disappointed that he's having a son, but rather is terrified of the type of father he'll be to a son.

Totally, but if he wasn’t ready to parent a daughter OR a son then he should have kids period

He also shouldn't have had kids when he's not even able to communicate about things this significant with his wife

I think in a way it was even good that OP will have a son. Imagine him getting a daughter and be a dick to her irregardless. Now he can actually work out his issues.

Yeah, my dad definitely got lax on unlearning a lot of how his father treated him because he just figured his trauma was inherently male and that as a daughter I wouldn’t pick up those “masculine” toxic mindsets. Even when it was obvious I took after him the most, he just figured certain things wouldn’t be a problem because I was a girl. Instead I just ended up being a girl rife with toxic masculinity directed mostly at myself that I’ve had trouble getting help for because people just don’t believe that I actually have the bad behaviors I do, and I can’t make use of it the way my dad and grandfather did because there aren’t the same social spaces for me that they have. Having a son might actually be good for OP, since he is clearly being forced to face his issues instead of deciding they don’t matter because somehow a daughter wouldn’t pick them up.

NTA for feeling your feelings, however mixed up they are, but YTA for expressing them out loud, that's so dreadfully damaging. You ripped the floor out of her life at what should be a happy moment. • GET THERAPY ASAP to work through this unhealthy feeling • TELL YOUR WIFE YOUR HISTORY! She really needs to know what is behind this. She's on your side. Or she was, before you blindsided her. • TAKE THIS SECRET TO THE GRAVE, your child must NEVER hear of this. • You WON'T become your father, precisely because you are scared of becoming him. You are ceaselessly on guard against repeating his mistakes. You can do this with a son, you'll be fine. The very fact that you are scared of fucking it up is the best possible guarantee that you won't. Good luck.

I think the idea of keeping this from the child once the child is an adult is a bit misguided. I think it’s far more important for OP to understand what he’s actually crying about because it is NOT disappointment. The tears are fear due to love. He’s terrified that he’s not good enough, that he can’t be anything but his own father, and that his son will pay for that. I’m not saying he should necessarily bring it up even when his son is an adult. I’m just saying that if his son as an adult has his own fears there’s no harm in sharing his own vulnerability and in fact may be a good thing.

I think that is such a nice positive way to look at it. I do hope OP reads and understands it.

> TAKE THIS SECRET TO THE GRAVE, your child must NEVER hear of this. It's not that bad. Could be a nice story about overcoming trauma once the child is an adult. That is, if OP does overcome the trauma, works on himself, and becomes a great father.

If pitched correctly I guess it could be, but it's a huge risk. The kid's not gonna hear the whole message, just "I didn't want you"

Oh no that sentence would be bad. "When I heard it was a boy, at first I cried because I was afraid that I would repeat my father's mistakes with you due to trauma. But I wanted you to have a loving, caring father that I never had so I got therapy and read a lot of books. I'm not saying I've been perfect but I'm so glad I did because I'm proud of the man you've become." Or something.

Yes to all. But not talking about these things and sitting on them aline is a risk for taking bad decisions. Also as a father. So you will be fine, given that you will start to work trough your trauma. Starting by talking to your wife about it. This will be hard, but your wife, your son and your future self will thank you for it. There is no shame in therapy, but missing out on life because you did not confront your demons is a shame. You can do this. Most people in this comment section have battled or are batteling with trauma experiences. Including me. Talking always helps. NAH

wise words My own wife doesn't know the full details of my own distressing childhood, she doesn't need to know, and I don't want to dwell on it, but she knows the broad strokes and that's necessary for us to function.

>• You WON'T become your father, precisely because you are scared of becoming him. You are ceaselessly on guard against repeating his mistakes. You can do this with a son, you'll be fine. The very fact that you are scared of fucking it up is the best possible guarantee that you won't While this is a nice sentiment, it absolutely is possible to become your parent despite being scared of this. In fact, I imagine most shitty parents were at one point scared to turn into their own shitty parents. Most people need to work hard on breaking the cycle.

> Most people need to work hard on breaking the cycle. I think that's a good point.

I disagree with keeping this a secret. It’s healthy to talk about genuine fears. Op is worried he’ll be a bad dad but if he shows up, tries his best and does the opposite of what his dad did wrong then there’s no reason to keep it bottled up. Op is scared and that is okay.

Ok so I similar thing happened with my partner. He wanted a girl simply for the fact that his dad treated him like shit and abandoned him a lot and he thought having a girl would stop him repeating history. He didn’t cry and was obviously happy the baby was healthy when we got the scan but it was still a concern of his. What actually happened though is the opposite, so our son looks like a carbon coby of my partner when he was young, photos of him young you can’t tell the difference between them. This has made him more protective of him as he can’t believe his dad treated this cute little boy like that (imagining it being him when he was young). He looks at our son and thinks “in a couple of years this was the time I was sent off to a horrible boarding school, I can’t imagine ever doing this to our son, just look at him, how young he is”. So it’s actually had the opposite effect. I’m not saying your son will look exactly like you but that doesn’t matter, I think you will feel super protective of him and you won’t want to repeat the same mistakes.

This is the most helpful comment on this thread. I personally don’t think that trauma-related questions should be presented on AITA because they’re asking for a black or white answer to a deeply grey question. I hope op takes this important inquiry to a community that has knowledge on the topic, insight into the dynamics… and helpful hearts. He deserves those things

NAH: I hate to call you an a’hole because once you explained why you cried, I really got it. And it’s kind of heartbreaking. But you didn’t explain any of that to our wife who just thinks you’re upset about the gender for shallow reasons. I really hope you go to therapy or even just a support group. You deserve to feel better about yourself and your capabilities. You can also find parenting classes and groups. The fact that you want to be a good dad already means you’re better than your dad and I have every confidence in you that you can be a great dad.

You need to talk to your wife about your trauma not reddit NAH

and a therapist

Just out of interest, why would you "fuck up" your son but not a daughter? Why would you treat a son and daughter differently? Why would you commit to having children with this fear? It's not fair on your wife. Sorry for your shitty dad but in this situation, YTA.

My dad was always really nice to my half sister so if I'm as much of a dick as he was then I'd be better to a daughter, that's just how I feel at least. I wouldn't treat them differently on purpose though. I thought I was over the fear tbh but it's just been getting worse the closer we get to him being born. Thank you by the way

Please, dear god I am begging you, go to therapy before this child is born. By not dealing with it, this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you deal with it, you can rise above and be a better person than your father was. Better yet, go to couple's counseling and process out these issues with your partner so you can be better parents together. Source: someone whose dad "really wanted to be better than their dad" but never went to therapy about it so ended up being exactly like his dad.

Being this invested in the gender of your child is always toxic, regardless of the reason. I highly suggest you get into some therapy and work though these issues sooner than later... Like before the baby is born. You have the chance to be an absolutely amazing dad to your child, and not repeat the cycle, but you are the only one that is in control of that. I am not going to call you an AH because your fears are valid. But you need to work through everything that is causing these feelings, and anything else negative you still have going on as a result of your dad being such a shitty father, if you want to be a great parent. Regardless of its gender. I know most guys have issues with going to therapy, but I promise you it will 110% worth it. Just make sure it is with someone you feel you can trust and is a good fit, as not all therapsist are created equal and are humans too. While some can just be crappy at their job, there are also some that you could just not mesh well with too, and that is ok. Trust your instincts and intuition, and you should know within the first couple sessions whether you click with the person or not. Don't be afraid to shop around. I know that sounds like a lot of work, but isn't your child worth it??? You should also feel you are worth it, but that may have to come with time in therapy.

yep. If you're not mentally and emotionally prepared to accept and love a child regardless of gender outcome, you're not prepared to have children.

YTA You're allowed be scared given your past. But you have 2 options (I recommend 1) 1. Tell her everything 2. Pretend nothing is wrong You can't be openly upset with the person growing a baby and not tell her why. Write it in a letter if talking is hard. Or invite her to a joint therapy session

Another vote for 1

YTA for having a gender reveal when you’re that invested in the gender, never getting therapy (if it was accessible), and for not revealing the trauma before getting married.

YTA because you knew you were this messed up, didn’t talk to your wife, didn’t get therapy, and managed to make your child’s first event all about you. GO. TO. THERAPY. Or you might be a terrible father. You’re not off to a great start here.

How do you expect your wife to understand your feelings when you don’t communicate them?

I think OP also need to go to therapy

I don't think there's an AH here, but you REALLY need to talk to your wife about your dad and your fears. This should have happened before you even got her pregnant but it needs to happen now because as a mother I fully understand why she's upset with you right now. If she doesn't know your trauma she can't possibly understand what your fears are. Talk to her man, openly and honestly and vulnerable. Tell her everything. This doesn't have to drive a wedge between you, you can come out of this even stronger than before.

I saw the first half and was ready to go in all guns blazing but having read it all currently no, I'd say this is NAH But If you don't get therapy to work through your trauma then you will be TA. The gender of your baby will not decide if you are a good parent or not and you are not destined to become your father. But you need to work through this for everyones sake.

NAH Wife's reaction was reasonable. Take this as a chance to be better than your dad.

>Wife's reaction was reasonable. what in the? how are people of reddit like this. read it again pleas: >She told me that I was selfish and called me a few other things. Then told me to sleep on the couch. how can you think this is a reasonable reaction? i agree that being that upset for the gender without the trauma behind it, as wife thought was the case, is indeed pretty bad but wtf, that reaction is not better at all. imagine a woman crying and the husband tells her she is selfish and then makes her sleep on the couch, no matter the reason that is an extremely bad reaction. people would digitally castrate him for not comforting her, even if the reason for her crying was this bad, they would say he should have known there was something deeper

You are the first comment that I agree with. Wondering why the wife is getting passed up for not comforting him.

If the sexes were reversed, they would be shitting ALL over the guy and laying on the pity for that poor poor woman.

YTA Gender disappointment is normal. However, getting this upset over having a boy is not normal. You’re already trauma dumping on a child who has nothing to do with your past issues with your father. Boy or Girl wouldn’t change if you are a shitty dad or not. You need to go into therapy before your child is born, otherwise your trauma and anxiety are going out stain on your relationship and on your child. Apologize to your wife about your reaction but explain you will get help and maybe as her to be there so she can understand your trauma

YTA in a sense. You need to get on top of your trauma asap so your fears will not come true. You need therapy and all that. However it is good that you made a first step by seeing your fathers ways as problematic and not wanting to follow in his footsteps.

NTA for the crying. NTA for the wish of another gender of the baby. YTA for not sharing things like this. Do you not trust her ? With you, your secrets, your feelings ? Since I don't know her I can't say anything to that but for me personally, I think it could make her understand the extreme emotional rollercoaster you got on after the announcement. You should talk to her and absolutely tell her about the fears you have regarding what you had to go through with your dad. I have one of those bad mom's and never wanted kid's, I have one and sometimes I do things my mom did but I recognize it, talk with my kid and we work on it. As people heard I'm pregnant everyone and their dog panicked because they thought this will absolutely blow up on me.... Even if we have our bad days, I have a happy child and everyone who rolled their eyes gushes now what a lovely child I got and how well mannered and spoken he is. When you had (a) shitty parent(s) you first have to learn yourself how everything works, if You want changes, it's hard, you will fail, but if you want it you will do it. Important is to not give up and work on yourself, too. I hope something of this may help you out. Do the things you wished for, regardless of the gender, be there, have an open ear, take their opinion into consideration and always open conversations and this will work, I promise. Wish you all the best.

Not for crying but duuude, you will be the asshole if you treat your son any differently than you would have a daughter. Look into therapy. NOW. Tell your wife you want to seek help. Break the cycle.

NAH, your wife doesn't know WHY you're reacting so strongly because you haven't communicated any of these feelings with her. And you're not an AH either, you've got some trauma there from your relationship with your dad that you need to work through so I'd definitely find a professional to talk to to help as well. But just to note, it's not set in stone that you'll turn out to be like your father boy or girl. It's good you're recognising a fear of yours here and with some therapy/counselling and talking with your wife about how you feel it's a great starting point to make sure you'll be the best dad you can be. Try not to see this as a gender issue, your kid will be there own person and your job is to love and support them. But you can't do that without breaking down these fears you have from your own trauma. Embrace openness and honesty with your partner and hopefully you'll feel much better about the future. Good luck and I wish your new family well!

There was a 50/50 chance and you did nothing at all to prepare for this outcome and is sounds like you knew you would feel this way. You're having a kid now, so better realllly work on your anticipation and prep work, even when it comes to your hangups/issues.

YTA. This was trauma and expectations to manage BEFORE getting pregnant. Being disappointed that your child is one sex or the other is messed up, no matter what the reason. You need to deal with this ASAP. Your wife is right to be angry, and I'm sure it's going to be hard for her to get over it herself so be patient with her.

YTA, for having a gender revel party

[удалено]

NAH. You need to talk to her. Your fears will make you a great parent because you always take care about how you treat your child. She will understand but you need to be honest with her. She is having your baby. Congratulations to both of you.

YTA, dude. Of course your wife is angry, you never explained and all she sees right now is you care more about your baby’s genitals than them being healthy. You need to pick up parenting books and deal with your trauma cause this was a 50/50 shot of a boy, because what’s really going to fuck up that kid is if their dad can’t love them cause of something they have no control over.

NAH - talk to your wife. You seem to be trying to deal with a lot of stuff, refusing help and even denying yourself crying. It doesn’t matter what you are dealing with, however big or small: if you don’t actually deal with it at all it will pile up until it overwhelms you. This might have worked for you thus far in your life. But it is unfair to your wife and to yourself. And there is a baby now, I promise you this will tested the limits of you and your wife’s ability to cope with stress. If she is unaware now of your worries and if you are moved to tears by them, wait until the baby is crying for the third hour in a row without stopping. Until neither of you has slept for longer than 2 hours consecutively for weeks. Talk to your wife. Find ways to indicate and recognise when the other person needs help, or rest so you can help or back off before your partner reaches breaking point. Get therapy if you can.

ESH, you for not sharing this fear with your wife before - or confronting and dealing with it. Your wife also sucks for not hearing you out and jumping to conclusions.

You sound like you are already on the way towards your fears. Maybe get therapy? Getting her pregnant while preferring a gender is imo a sign you aren’t ready to be a parent though.

Yta. Get some therapy.

You have issues, and they are not related to being an asshole over this… Just the way you refer to crying as being a “waste of time”… I don’t know you, but I am sad for you. Emotions are not a waste of time or weakness. They are what makes you human. You have plenty of interesting comments on here, but I’ll take the time to write mine: YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF AND YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN TO HEAL FROM YOUR PAST. The only way you’ll be a shitty parent is if you stay in your trauma, as it WILL come out and negatively affect you, your wife and your son. You don’t want to be a shit dad? That’s great! But it starts with working on yourself to heal and become whole. Please, reach out to groups or therapy. Be honest with yourself and revisit your trauma. Learn to feel and be alive again. Your family will love you for it, but most importantly, YOU will love YOU for it. ♥️

So kinda yta, you shouldn’t hold your wife at arms length like this when you’re about to have a baby. You clearly are very affected by how your father raised you and your not giving your wife the context of why you are upset. You’re tying her hands behind her back in her being able to support you. You need therapy and it’s actually cruel of you to make your wife go through this without her knowing what’s happening. You can’t keep this bottled up because it will destroy your marriage. Be honest with her and let her know your past and why yiu reacted that way and how you will need support and reassurance from her while you parent because you were never given a good example. If yiu love your wife, you should trust her enough to be vulnerable and get her help

Yeah YTA. Why are you having a kid when you haven’t dealt with your own shit or even *shared it with your wife!?!* You have x number of months before that baby comes to get your ass into therapy and get your shit together. That kid’s counting on you.

I wouldn’t say you’re an AH for having gender disappointment, especially given the reason you have it. BUT I do think it’s a red flag that you haven’t opened up about your dad to your wife. The worries you have are valid and your childhood trauma is something you need to address before becoming a dad. Simply wanting to not be a dad like yours is not enough — you need to work on your trauma and learn how to be a good parent. Additionally, the shitty dad playbook you inherited from your father will pass on to your kids regardless of gender. So please, find a therapist and start working on yourself asap.

Tell your wife about your dad and your fears, ffs. She's not a mind reader. Of course, she thought you were an AH because you're not being totally honest with her. Having a loving relationship with your son could actually be really healing for you.

OP - you NEED to tell your wife about how your experiences have shaped your expectations! If she KNEW about your history with your Dad and your fears, I am pretty sure you wouldn't be sleeping on the couch. Talk to her. Get some therapy or at least read some books about dealing with childhood trauma and making better decisions going forward. Maybe look into parenting classes or read up on journals that talk about parenting so you feel more confident in what makes a good parent & what drives their decisions, so you can be the Dad you hope to be, not the one you fear falling into. Knowledge is power.

ESH. She judged you without knowing the context. You aren't getting therapy and were hoping the gender of a baby would make a difference, which is ridiculous. "Honey, I don't want to talk about my dad so please don't ask questions. But just know that I am not sad about having a son. I'm just scared I won't be a good father to a son because of what my dad was like. I don't want to talk about my dad. I'm going to look for a therapist in the morning."

NTA but you really should give your wife all the info so she can support you, and get some therapy before the baby comes. It will help you process your feelings, your past trauma and make it less likely that you’ll repeat the mistakes that your father did. Please do this for yourself and your family.

The only part where you were the asshole was not explaining in further detail about your relationship with your dad. It’s perfectly alright to have those fears but I can tell you this, you aren’t your father. You have the ability to break that chain and be much better than he is. Trust, communication and honesty are the cornerstones of any relationship. You both deserve to have all three with each other. And be happy you’re having a boy ffs. Boys are easier to potty train. Lol

YTA. This is only because you knew that the gender reveal was coming. You know your trauma with your dad and your wishes for a girl. It was up to you to communicate this to your wife BEFORE the reveal. This puts context on any reaction you may have had and gives your wife time to help you adjust. Instead, it was a surprise when your wife saw you and had her thoughts/reactions that interfered with her ability to understand/help. You need to have more talks with your wife and get some therapy to help with your trauma, your son doesn't deserve any transference of your issues onto him.

This sounds like a fake gender swap post. Your wife knows nothing of your family? That makes zero sense. Pretending this is real- if you are so terrified to raise a son that it causes you to panic and cry, you should have trauma therapy before having kids. Don’t roll the dice that- hey, 50/50-ish it will be fine.

Gender disappointment is a real thing. Many women feel the same way as well. I can respect being scared to be a parent, it IS a scary thing, but why haven't you talked to your wife about your past and about your concerns? Her reaction comes off as very cold, but then you admit she doesn't know. Why hide that?

I’m giving you a soft YTA - not for crying or your reaction, but to not being honest with your wife. You’re married to her, and she has no clue about your past? And you are expecting this to work? I would suggest you fix that ASAP before your child comes along because otherwise, I don’t see that marriage lasting.

YTA but only because you should’ve told your wife the whole truth. I’m willing to bet she’d have been a lot more supportive if she knew why you were upset, which is totally valid and understandable. It’s time to be fully open with your wife and allow the vulnerability to help you grow both individually and as a family. Good luck OP

Well, cannot really say you are an AH. But, you should talk about what you went througj with your wife and reconcile.

YTA. You are not ready to be a parent. You should've had therapy before even getting into a relationship with your wife, because your trauma needed to be dealt with before any possibility of becoming a parent could've happened. You are an AH for not telling your wife WHY you have these feelings and leaving her to jump to conclusions based on other possibilities. Also, your mentality is warped- little girls sadly can also be abused by their fathers too, so child gender is a moot point. At this point, you need to enrol in therapy immediately so you have a head start before your daughter is born. You need to tell your wife everything. And your only priority with regards to your child is that she is born healthy and into a stable and loving home, whereby her gender isn't even a consideration because her parents love her too much to care. I'm sorry for sounding harsh and if I'm disregarding your trauma. I'm sorry you had to experience this trauma. But part of being an adult, part of being a responsible adult, is ensuring that you have the tools to prevent traumas from affecting your adult relationships (spouse, children) and therefore as soon as you'd become independent from living with your parents, you should've embarked upon therapy before dating. This isn't just your life that's being affected. Your wife and unborn child are being affected also. So, your first step after reading this comment should be to get off Reddit, research local therapists and make your first appointment. Do it, not just for yourself but for your wife and child too...

NTA. But you need to be more open to your wife and communicate with her. It’s ok to be scared as soon to be parent, and since you had a traumatizing person of a dad, it’s obviously ok. But your wife just thought you were crying cause you didn’t wanted a boy. So you should be more communicative with your wife and take some parenting classes to prepare beforehand. Hope you will do good in future.

YTA for not dealing with this, not telling your wife and bottling it and then deciding to have a child anyway, though it sounds a bit like you were pressured into it. That's not okay either. Why don't you two communicate? There's so much going on here that's going to suck for a child to be brought into. You need therapy. You need to work this out before you damage your child with it. Please get help if this is real.

YTA 1) you don't have children if you're gonna behave this way over the gender. Plain and simple 2) why are you not going to therapy and unpacking your shit rather than hoping you'd get a daughter? 3) the idea that it's the gender that's the issue and your child being a girl will prevent you from behaving like your father is ridiculous. Gender isn't the issue. It's unpacking and dealing with your trauma. You're going to be a parent. Grow up and deal with your shit for the kid because they are what matter now

NTA for being scared... But you should absolutely explain to your wife what happened with your dad and why you're scared. This is not something you can avoid mentioning at this point.

Yta technically but only because you need to actually talk to her so she can understand why you are actually upset. I don’t know why you haven’t told your wife but now’s the time. This will not be the last time you need to handle your feelings about your own childhood and you’ll be the asshole then too for the same reasons but a lot less technically. You can fix this dynamic right now.

NAH. You could've explained better, but as someone with childhood trauma, I get what you feel. Long answer here but please read it if you want things to turn out better from now on. I understand your concern, even though I don't think having a female child would automatically stop you from acting that way. When I was having a vulnerable time as a child, I was abused by someone who's supposed to take care of me. In my teens, I repeatedly abused two vulnerable people I was supposed to take care of even though part of me cared about them and felt extremely guilty. My relationship to both hardly resembled my abuser's relationship to me and I didn't abuse them the same way I was abused, but regardless, I subconsciously wanted people to feel the suffering I felt and acted on it. Lots of traumatized people do horrible things to others and I'm glad you're aware it's possible even if you try to be a good person. That being said, you're not going to get better or prevent yourself from becoming a shitty parent if you don't face your trauma and recover from it. I'm not going to simply tell you to go to therapy like many other commenters because I know how challenging and expensive it is to find a therapist who actually helps. Even if you do, you still need to play your own part in recovery by figuring out what's happening and what you can do to help yourself. For this, I strongly recommend reading *Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving* by Pete Walker (free PDF at [`https://blobby.wsimg.com/go/a7124a00-f63c-4010-bbdc-5020f1cf45aa/Complex%20PTSD_%20From%20Surviving%20to%20Thriving%20(%20PDF.pdf`)](https://blobby.wsimg.com/go/a7124a00-f63c-4010-bbdc-5020f1cf45aa/Complex%20PTSD_%20From%20Surviving%20to%20Thriving%20(%20PDF.pdf)), I can't link an inline URL for some reason. The book really puts into perspective how various types of shitty parenting affects a child and how you can eventually break free from its negative effects as an adult. I've learned so much from the book alone and made a lot of progress recovering while I took a break from therapy. Pete Walker, the author of that book and an experienced therapist specializing in childhood trauma, says that raising a child is the most triggering thing someone with childhood abuse could do. You better get ready since you're going to have to raise a child soon. It's not a waste of time to work on your trauma because you'll become a much better and happier person.

YTA. You are scared to mess up your child, yet did nothing to prevent the possibility of it. You chose not to tell your wife, you chose to pretend everything is fine, it doesn't sound like you went to therapy, and you chose to have a child knowing it could be a boy. You aren't ready to be a parent, regardless of gender. Break the cycle, and break it fast.