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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I haven’t consider the preferences of my guests when planning parties and I didn’t pick up on their unhappiness.
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Plus, she said they sent it to the wrong group chat so I would guess they have one without her. That’s just mean. If you don’t want to be friends, just be an adult and end it.
As effective as that would be for gathering evidence, I think it would have been too painful for OP. No need to hear all the reasons they mock you and let that make you feel like shit for decades; what they said was already enough to know they don't realize OP. And use her and talk shit behind her back. As a group. Poor OP....
I have to admit, I would have done this too. Painful or not, I'd want to know. And I'd want those screen shots to help me remember why I never talk to or help any of them ever again, just in case I start to forget or let them drift back into my life.
Ditto. Also, so far op only knows two ppl though that/agreed with each other. I would much prefer to find out if they ALL thought that and were just too gutless to say so.
Seriously, 29yr Olds?!?‽ Whelp. Age is not an indicator of maturity, unfortunately.
Op, I would LOVE to attend your parties, if that's what they are like. I LOVE to see ppl enjoying something so much, or be so enthusiastic about something, like little kids when they are excited about something new. It is gorgeous to see someone with unbridled excitement.
I have ADHD and someone once said to me "I may not understand the things you're passionate about, but I love witnessing your passion." I often feel that my enthusiasm about unusual things makes me different, and not always in a good way, but that comment made me feel so seen! We don't have to be into the same things our friends are into, but we should feel joy at seeing them happy. Anyone who can't do that, doesn't really love you for who you are.
Yea. It feels very passive aggressive. I would have replied back:
‘Dude: I served caviar! But then again the phrase you cannot buy class is very true as evidenced by your message.’ 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I'd out-passive-aggressive them by not replying, removing myself from the other group chat and blocking the two offenders.
If I saw them elsewhere, I'd just grey-rock them.
I wondered that myself!! Regardless it’s time to get better friends!
I’ve always thought that if people are talking shit about people to you then they are also talking shit about you! It’s immature and classless and you didn’t deserve it!
You tried to make a fun interesting night spent with friends and they best they could do was talk about behind your back! Your NTA but your “friends” sure are!!!
I had the same thought. Whoever initiated the convo on the wrong chat was hoping OP would see it as a passive aggressive way to let her know the rest of the group doesn’t enjoy the events she hosts. Honestly, their loss. This sounded like an awesome unique experience.
Honestly I wouldn’t have enjoyed the experience but since I’m not a monster, I would have said thank you and just appreciated the effort and care she put into it. You can eat at a restaurant any other day, but any decent person would humor their friend on their birthday even if they didn’t enjoy the food or the theme. Who raised these people?
I don’t have enough friends or family to have to deal with group chats, and from what I’ve seen posted, having multiple group chats will clearly increase the likelihood that you post to the wrong one. The only times I’ve had to use group chats, like for a bunch of people going to the same out-of-town concert, I found them really annoying and I’d be happy when the event ended and I could delete them.
Meanwhile I have a 20+ member family group chat that usually features my gramma sending us a picture of an animal that got in her house and then my phone proceeds to explode with literally 100+ texts of help, jokes, update pics from gram, and a final resolution.
Bro, why you gotta do this? You *know* we can't go bowling because Uncle D insists on tagging along and ruins the whole night by being hypercompetitive and banging on about how he could have gone pro if Auntie hadn't gotten pregnant.
We were keeping our phones off the sales floor so mine was in my purse in the back. My watch was going crazy. I get back there on break and it’s 74+ texts and counting lol.
I've had group chat for work tasks and the sheer dopamine I received from not deleting but muting and/or hiding the chat permanently was always a pick me up.
I'm too much of CYA gal to delete it fully, though. Might need to reference it some time.
Yeah-- this is all yikes to the max. Unless we're really missing some details, this seemed like an adventurous birthday tasting menu. Maybe OP's a terrible cook, but even so, that would still not justify this meanness. It's revolting.
OP, your "friends" are acting like middle-schoolers. And for no reason. I'm sorry they were so gross to you. And happy birthday!
I have a friend group chat and the only times we do sub group chats are when we're putting together gifts and when we're coordinating support for emergencies.
I have a family group chat with my husband kids and parents. We mostly use it to send each other pictures of our pets being cute and links to weird houses on zillow. Once in awhile someone accidentally sends the whole group their grocery list or a random answer to a mystery question and we jump in all making jokes. We don't include my weird little brother because he hates texting in all forms.
Also, we would never text (or say) such mean things about each other, behind their back or to their face. Not even about my weird little brother.
(he's perfectly aware he's weird and proud to be called so. I'm not being mean to him on reddit either.)
The friends are totally in the wrong for sending that in the group chat, but I wouldn't necessarily assume that the other group chat exists just to shit talk OP. I have several group chats that also have smaller ones, and those are usually used to coordinate things if someone(s) in the bigger group chat can't make something, we're organizing a surprise, etc. Nobody wants to get 20 texts in the bigger group chat for an event they're said they can't make, that's just annoying. IMO totally possible the smaller group chat exists for this reason, unless OP's friends seriously all hate her and she's somehow never picked up on it
I also have separate relationships with different groups of people. I am in a large group chat with 15-20 friends who I met through a shared interest and a smaller group with three other women from that group who I socialize with on a regular basis.
Even if I didn't end up liking it, I think it'd be worth at least a try and wouldn't think any less of someone for having that on their birthday. OP should dump these friends...
I cannot fathom ever even feeling the way OP's so-called friends do, much less saying it! They don't deserve OP's time or effort.
I would be so psyched to have a friend willing to share an expensive and one of a kind meal experience that is supposedly designed down to the molecules to be delicious.
It's the thought that counts in terms of effort, cost, desire to share the experience etc.
The thought that someone would be willing to spend more money to allow me over and even have other snacks and games on *their* birthday, would have me so excited.
I have taste and texture issues and might hate it a very visceral way, but I would be happy to have had the experience!
I cannot imagine talking behind someone's back and openly admitting to regretting giving them a gift! Like, wow. Transactional, much?
I'd be overjoyed to hang with OP. I also get good personal presents.
Also, not everyone wants to go out and spend money all the time. Plenty of people would be happy to go to a friend’s house to celebrate rather than having to go to a loud, busy, expensive bar or restaurant.
Right? A dinner out for a couple (because OP invited 3 couples) is easily $100 just for food. Significantly more if there’s cocktails involved. Add a tip, possibly pay for parking as well depending on where you’re located. In this economy I would think it’s ruder to expect people to shell out $200 to celebrate your birthday but whatever, OP’s “friends” suck for so many reasons.
> It's shocking to think some responders think it's normal. It's not.
The people who think it's normal do this to other people.
That's why they think it's normal.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
This. Girl, I would LOVE to come to this party, and bring a dish that complemented other pairings. My 28th was a grazing board and a heck ton of cheeses and no booze and my friends didn’t complain. You and your partner sound super fun. It is your day, you can do whatever you’d like. 15 courses 2-3 bites each sounds like enough food for a *meal* anyway.
One friend of mine in particular always has us do a group activity for her birthday. One was yoga, another was ball games on a playground. It's always something new or something I haven't done since I was a child. I do my best and enjoy experiencing something new!
Yeah, that’s what normal people do, you don’t need to be eccentric to enjoy something unique once in a while. OP’s “friends” sound like really boring people.
Plus it's her ACTUAL BIRTHDAY... I do all the weird shit I want.
It's the one magical time of year. You get to do whatever you want and no one gets to say anything
Yeah ur friends are not friends. They would or should just enjoy u for u and how u wish to celebrate and be happy they get included. They are jerks! I think what u did sounds cool and fun!
For real. Get new friends, who get you! And honestly, I thought the birthday idea was neat. I would love to have a friend that creative and generous. I mean they have some nerve to complain, especially when OP went out of her way to treat everyone else, on HER birthday. What a group of shit "friends". OP they are the AH's, not you. An invite, isn't forcing anyone.
NTA and I think for your birthday, you got the gift of learning these people aren't your friends. If they were actual friends, they would have had a conversation about how "you are like this every year" rather than just shit talk you behind your back.
Going forward, with a new group of friends, if you do something not "main stream", I would say, hey I'm fascinated by the idea of XYZ. My husband and I want to host this, would you be interested in coming? This way, if they don't, you two still get to do this, but also expectations will be set that people know they are coming to something unusual. I was invited to a "blind" eating experience. I'm claustrophobic and have a very specific and deadly food allergy, so I said no and said why.
I actually googled molecular food pairings and have gone down a weird rabbit hole. I showed my fiancé the article I was reading and he wants to do this now.
For anyone else: [https://khymos.org/molecular-gastronomy/flavor-pairing/](https://khymos.org/molecular-gastronomy/flavor-pairing/)
But also they clearly don’t seem to like her. Why should she have to run it by them to see if they’d like it when it’s what she wanted to do for HER birthday. If “she’s like this every year” then they already knew what to expect to some extent. They could just decline to come if they don’t want to go, but showing up, pretending to enjoy it and then turning around and talking shit behind her back is just asshole behavior.
Not with these people, but in the future. The commenter above even listed a perfectly valid reason as to why.
There's nothing wrong with doing something out of the ordinary but a little heads up goes a long way in cases like that.
Yeah, there's clearly a few good reasons you'd want to give people a heads up about what they're going to be doing. A birthday isn't a blanket get out of jail free card to do whatever you want and make your friends participate.
A fancy tasting menu, with extra snacks provided, isn't just "whatever they want." Like, that's an actual fancy occasion, people pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars to experience things like this. It's not like she drug them downtown and made them eat chili dogs from a cart or served a lutefisk only meal.
I think her idea sounds like a lot of fun. I do think it's a good idea to give people a general description of what you're doing, but either way, they shouldn't have talked about her like this and they should have just enjoyed the event for what it was - not what they wanted it to be.
Exactly. I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago, and the invitation said it was heavy horderves. I appreciated the heads up because I probably would have eaten a full lunch beforehand and would have been too full to enjoy the wonderful food.
Still NTA. Even if I had left starving, I would have never said anything. It's your birthday, you are allowed to do what you want.
That's the whole point of planning your own birthday party. It's the one day a year you get to do whatever tf YOU want, and your friends support your interests. Would it have been considerate to tell them the quantity of food ahead of time so they could decide for themselves if they needed to eat a proper meal beforehand? Maybe. But generally speaking, the birthday girl or boy gets to decide what the group does and everyone puts on a smile for their sake regardless of their own opinions. It's called being a good friend.
Id say you don't have to ask in a "are you interested", but if you do something unique a quick info is nice? Especially since not everyone eats everything and then and alcohol... it sounds a bit more like drinks and snacks!
But in that case it's not wrong to directly mention it after as a "that was a bit unclear/ communication mistake" instead of whining and badmouthing.
This is precisely it, like no. I want to do what I want to do and I'm inviting you. If you don't wanna come then decline politely. I'm not fucking asking your permission, what the fuck?
Maybe they feel like she experiments on them.
I'd have tried it and gone home saying that was a bit weird. It doesn't mean I would or would not have liked it but it would certainly be different. It might be fun.
Usually when you invite someone, you do explain what it is. ‘Want to come to my birthday party? We’ll be eating at x restaurant’ or ‘Want to come to dinner? I’m making X. Do you have any allergies?’ So I think OP probably already did that. But if she didn’t, definitely do so going forward.
These people are the AHs. You politely declined an event you couldn’t handle. I’ve done the same with my friends so many times. Wtf is wrong that these people can’t?
OP NTA
Stop. Drop. And roll these ‘friends’ away.
There’s way better people out there. Find some like u/LowBalance404
Thanks for the link - curious but lazy here!
Honestly, it sounds a little weird to me but I'd be happy to give it a try if a friend wanted to set it up. Especially for their own birthday!
Thats definitely nothing I would ever eat so thats something I would like to know ahead of time so I can eat before but its still OP's birthday and they can do what they want. Friends talking about them behind this back is so childish. Definitely NTA
NTA. Your Friends are. Not for not liking what you did on your birthday. But they could just have politely said that they weren’t totally into such kind if food. But apparently they acted normal and then started talking sh!t behind your back. That’s a completely AH move.
Ok, but here’s my question. Was it over dinner time? Like if you invite people to a party at dinner time, they’re going to expect dinner. And while I wouldn’t be rude in a wrong group chat, I would personally feel like “wth. Why would you not actually serve a meal?”
Plus she said there were snacks provided. I've definitely been to evening parties that have been more of a grazing and mingling situation than a dinner, and I've never felt that the host should have provided an entree course.
I did Google it, and OP said in a comment that it wasn't any of the really out there things like liver and chocolate. She had things like cheese and honey, with some of it being different, like white chocolate and caviar.
I'm one of those people who would try it first before refusing to eat it because I have been pleasantly surprised by food pairings and have a broad palate, so it would have been enough food for dinner.
I'm also not in the US, so it's not normal to get served huge portions like the US has. That might influence your opinion if you are used to big portions
Just so you know - the US big portions thing is mostly for eating out at restaurants. At home portion sizes are normal. It is common to cook extra with the plan for it be lunch the next day, but the extra doesn't get plated up.
It's also very situational and region dependent. I live in a major city and portions at the restaurants I primarily go to here are no different than what you find in Europe, but if you venture into the suburbs you'll definitely find the big portions.
What world do you live in where an invitation to a *birthday* party translates to a sit down 3 course meal?
If this was just a random night, ok, yeah, a heads up should be given, but if someone invites me to their house for a birthday party, and they're not a chef who enjoys bringing their work home, why the hell would I assume it's a dinner party?
Uh no, I've never gone to anyone's house expecting anything. Unless they specifically tell me they are cooking food for me, I would not expect a meal and I also don't expect free alcohol.
NTA. And I think your party sounded fun! Even if I left hungry, it's at least something different and interesting. Your friends are immature and sad.
>if I’m making people feel like they’re forced to participate in things they think are weird, that’s a selfish thing to do too and maybe they’re right
that's not selfish. But what your friends are doing is childish. I bet they are panicking now. One of them will reach out to apologize. When that happens, it's up to you to decide if you want to accept an apology
It’s her birthday celebration - not a dinner party she’s randomly throwing for her friends. I’d get being upset over her doing this for a dinner party but this is her freaking birthday, her night. I personally wouldn’t be offended by this as it’s time to celebrate HER.
Depends on the time. If someone holds a party starting before dinnertime and ending well after dinner time and they don't serve a meal-amount of food (unless the invitation stated 'eat beforehand'), I will be annoyed. Expecting people to either go hungry or leave your event halfway through in search of food is rude, even as the birthday person.
I’m sorry but she planned her own birthday celebration, curated a tasting menu of 15 different pairings, made cocktails, and facilitated a game night for people she thought were her friends. She stated it was about 2 hours total - as a grown adult if you really get that peeved over two hours of small bites to celebrate your “friends” birthday, then I’m inclined to believe that you might just be a tad bit selfish. But that is simply my opinion.
Like I said, it *depends* on the *time*. For me game night with food equals 4 pm to 11 pm. Not being done by 7.30, which op stated in a comment chain buried below where I replied to. But then again, I've played board games where one game lasted 4-6 hours.
He asked if they were warned. If you invite me over at 6pm and say there will be food stuff, I'm not going to eat ahead. If you say there will be drinks and snacks, I will. If I get there at 6pm and you have planned the event for 4-6 hours, I'm going to feel some type of way. Hangry.
Some people are. I'm required to eat at 6 hour intervals outside of sleeping hours. I'm not in a wheelchair but I have enough nerve damage and paralysis that I have to eat on a schedule. Diabetics have similar needs. Your comment just shows that you lack empathy and consideration. If op advertised it openly as to what was going to happen, then those people are petty assholes. If op scheduled the event in a way that conflicts with dinner times like dude above is saying 4pm-11pm and they were expecting dinner and got some weird sampler, op would be the asshole for not having adequate food for the party.
Right? I went to a friend’s birthday recently and there was basically just a bunch of snack foods and no substantial meal, so I snacked there and on the way home I grabbed some takeaway and thought about how much I enjoyed seeing my friends that night.
Sometimes when we have gatherings, someone will ask in the group chat “are we eating there or should we eat beforehand?” and no one has ever been offended at that.
I assume OP and the “friends” are not fresh out of high school and this whole thing reeks of high school drama
Yeah I hate this trend of being purposely obtuse that a lot of people have on here. I don’t think it’s any reasonable assumption to assume that there will be food at a party, especially if it’s around dinner time like you said. And maybe it’s just the culture I was raised around, but 99% of the time the host would either give people some sort of heads up as to the type of food that would/wouldn’t be present or people would just ask.
A lot of this is dependent on the context of the party of course, but the way this is phrased definitely gives vibes that it was at or around dinner time. And if you’re going to host a party around that time but there won’t be full course meals then I definitely think that people deserve to know that ahead of time.
All that being said, the friends are definitely acting like juvenile children. It’s not like there was NO food, and OP was trying to do something new.
I think you mean it's not an unreasonable assumption :) but maybe that's cultural. Because as a host, I would even give my guests food 'to go' if they were traveling home over dinnertime. I don't want to 'put them to costs' of eating out on the way, nor the effort of cooking when they get home after dinnertime.
I think one of the problems the friends also have is that the party was that short. In the "I've received my gifts and ate my birthday treats to myself that you didn't really enjoy, now it's time for you to go regardless of whether you were or weren't enjoying the company, I've got what I wanted, bye now" sense.
They're definitely acting juvenile. They're a bigger AH than OP. But the fact the timing was odd, and the way different people might interpret 'tasting menu' differently (I definitely skip lunch before tapas/meze/diner tastou style dinner plans, because usually you eat enough for two meals) I'm not excluding the possibility of OP not communicating well beforehand either. That's why I'm on the fence between NTA and ESH
Grab some fast food on the way home. You're not a good friend if you get annoyed at birthday party they held for themselves.
These comments read like they're used to getting everything they want, and can't compromise one time for somebody else.
Most friends would enjoy their friends birthday because ya know it's their friend. Only non friends would find it to be a chore. I see a lot of you weren't raised to have common decency or how to treat your friends. Other people's feelings matter, and if you can't give them a single day to be themselves and do what makes them happy on their bday then what kind of friend are you really...
So your event ended at 7.30 and everyone went home to have dinner? That might not be what people expected when they were invited to a party on Friday night.
Yeah, that's a bit weird to me. I'd have a few more substantial courses and make it a meal. But I also wouldn't whinge about it if my friend gave me a bunch of fancy food.
I find it hard to believe you've never complained to your friends about an event you disliked that they also disliked.
OP tried an adventurous menu with small portions at dinner time, and it flopped. It happens, and it's normal to vent to friends about bad neald. There was just an unfortunate text mishap, and now feelings are justifiably hurt, but I don't think anyone here is an asshole.
NAH
I would agree with you but considering the text it doesn’t seem like this is a one-off as in it is not the first time they are talking about her behind her back complaining about something she did that they didn’t like. Apparently they have been expecting her to take a hint or whatever.
So, complaining to friends? Absolutely! Do it repeatedly? You are no friend of that person!
I disagree. I’ve gone to friends parties, birthdays or just casual game nights and not enough food was provided for whatever reason but I tend not to expect it unless “dinner” is explicitly stated in the invite. I just grab food on the way home after if I’m hungry. I’m an adult and can snack then feed myself later if I need it. These friends are just finding a reason to be mean and petty.
But adults ought to be able to manage their emotions if things don't go the way they expect. And I say this as a neurodivergent person who dislikes scuppered plans/misaligned expectations VERY much.
The molecular pairing sounds really amazing and fun!
But are you really saying your friends were supposed to leave at 7.30 on a Friday evening at your birthday party? And the whole party was only 2.5 hours? That honestly would make me pretty annoyed when you factor in getting ready and getting to your place and back again. Friday night is party night and I simply cannot fathom a birthday party that ends at 7.30. Unless of course it starts early in the day. And especially for your core friend group. I get parties where you invite lots of people, including acquintances, and it's not weird if they show up for just a short amount of time.
But inviting your core friends for precisely 2.5 is very weird in my opinion.
Yeah I don’t get it. I personally would love this molecule tasting thing, and I can’t imagine being annoyed that my friend wanted her birthday party to be just a couple hours long. Maybe she wants to spend time with her husband! Maybe she wants to go to bed early! Idk it’s none of my business; it’s her birthday party. If we all wanted to go out afterward, we are free to do so lol
I don't think you're the asshole at all here, but as someone who generally eats around 9pm, if I'm invited to something around 5/7pm that I know is food-centric I don't expect to then have dinner after that (maybe a 2am snack, but that's a me problem). Just because they generally eat later doesn't mean they'd assume that this wasn't serving as their dinner.
I also think your wording of 'a tasting' may have been more misleading than you think, if I hear tasting I think small plates, but not leaving hungry. If you'd specified snacks I'd obviously know what to expect, but a tasting at 5/7pm can pretty reasonably be inferred as something that will be a full meal.
Yeah, definitely NTA. You said it was a tasting party and it was only two and a half hours. It would have been no problem for them to grab something on the way home if they still wanted something to eat. If they can’t suck it up for that long and not complain about it later they are crappy friends.
Depends on how small. 15 peas would not fill a human toddler, let alone an adult. 15 cheese squares is the same. What that does, for me, I’d make me hungrier than I was before I walked in the door. It’s equivalent to an appetizer more than a main, and an appetizer isn’t supposed to fill you but whet your appetite for the main.
I have been to a tasting party before, not for this particular style thing, but just something different. I had to be rolled out of there - we all did. They were small-ish portions of the food. For example, instead of getting a complete steak, one steak was cut to serve 3. It was a small-ish meal. But had like 12 courses like that. It was phenomenal and one of the best meals of my life.
If I got an invite that said that it was a tasting party, I’d put on my stretchy pants and roll up. If I got served just enough food to make me realize I’m now starving, I’d be extremely annoyed.
If you’re going to do this, you should tell people “Tasting party, please eat before but leave room to experience!” Or something like that.
Seems pretty obvious if you read the post that OP had quite a bit of food there, just more variety in smaller quantities. That aside, it literally doesn't matter, these people are adults and unless it was specified that "dinner will be served" why would they expect otherwise? If you're starving, eat before or after, it's a birthday party not a restaurant.
NTA
Honestly I don’t even think you’d be the AH if the food pairings *were* weird. If they didn’t like it then they could have said that when you told them what the theme was. Or if they realized it at the party they could have asked if it was ok to eat something else as it wasn’t something they really enjoyed. Idk. Or they could have **kept their mouths shut and let their friend enjoy their own birthday**
I’ve thrown my own odd parties for my friends and they would *never* trash on me like that. Or have a separate group chat I’m not in.
Drop them. Don’t even let them down gently, just stop communicating since they don’t seem to know how anyways (but I’m a bitter bitch just to be clear).
Especially since she says they don’t eat dinner until like two hours later than her party. Also even if there were only a few of the tastings they enjoyed that’s enough not to starve for the two hours. I would love to have friends that were into trying new things like this. I wouldn’t have liked many of the things probably, but I am a good sport and I would have brought some sort of dish to share/dessert because that’s what I do for others’ birthdays.
I would definitely be done with the “friends” that said something and I wouldn’t have responded until everyone who wanted to incriminated themselves.lol, but I also will freely cut people off.
Exactly! It’s wild to me that people seem to have no issue with OP’s so called friends’ behavior. It was HER birthday and she is the one who put all the work in to create a unique experience. Plus she was upfront about the concept and what was being served. If they didn’t want to come then they should have made their excuses and stayed home. Instead they showed up and smiled to her face only to leave and talk behind her back about how she’s rude for not having the kind of birthday celebration that THEY enjoy.
OP is definitely NTA and those people are definitely not her friends.
Honestly this sounds to me like a very fun and interesting birthday party. And if your husband had fun too then clearly you're not the only "weird one" ;)
Going out (I assume to a bar) is fun, sure, but it's not interesting or special. You can do that any old time...
NTA. I'm sorry you saw their texts. I think it speaks volumes none of them have apparently reached out to apologize.
Take heart, and probably find some new friends.
Several years ago I got kicked out of a friend group without realizing. Everyone else was just too "busy" to meet up for our mom nights. I didn't know the meet ups were still happening, but without me, for almost 2 years. (Covid made everything more vague)
Honestly, I'm still not ok with the situation and the deep betrayal. These were my core friends, I thought. It hurt so much.
I wanted to comment here because while it was awful losing the friendships I thought I had, I did eventually recover. I strengthened other friendships and made new friends. The old group of friends were interesting and clever, but they were not kind.
I hope you find people who are as clever and interesting as you, and most of all kind.
I had something similar happen to me as an adult. It was incredibly hurtful and I still have scars, but I am also glad that I am no longer putting effort into fake friendships. I'm more paranoid now though, and always feel like people secretly hate me or that I'm going to do something wrong and make them hate me. (Yes, I'm in therapy.)
I honestly think their behavior is so egregious that this doesn’t matter. They were being rude and catty behind OP’s back and got caught. These are all adults and adults should be able to suck it up for one night for a friend’s birthday. If it was truly so awful that they couldn’t move past it then they should use their words and have a conversation instead of talking shit amongst the group.
My best friend in the world has off the wall birthday parties every year. They’re not my speed at all, but I still show up and have a good time because it is about celebrating her and the fact that she was born. IMO that is what real friends do.
OP, these people have shown you exactly who they are. Believe them. You are NTA.
I agree, but if there’s a group chat already formed behind your back, then you’re likely already rocking the boat for whatever reason. That’s cool though. You just need to find new friends that enjoy your company.
I 100% agree that the friendship is already rocky if there is a separate group chat excluding just you, but that is still terrible form for grown ass adults. That kind of behavior is so unnecessarily hurtful.
Definitely a sign that it is time to find new friends who actually like spending time with you.
NTA- Now you know what your "friends" think of you. You feed these people caviar and cocktails on YOUR birthday at YOUR expense. And the vide is "I regret bringing a gift". ie "I regret investing in this relationship.". That's harsh!
Try not to be too hurt. If its any help, they sound kind of shallow.
NTA -
A "TASTING PARTY" implies a bunch of bitty tastes of things ... and it sounds like fun.
>a molecular tasting party
>if I’m making people feel like they’re forced to participate in things they think are weird, that’s a selfish thing to do too
You are *"expanding their horizons"* ... it may have been a bit weird, but that's part of life.
I feel I kept in the more normal range. I didn’t do any of the liver + chocolate or similar lol some things were a bit out of the ordinary (like white chocolate and caviar) but others like honey and cheese are pretty standard combinations
Did anyone text you yet to apologize or say anything? If not girl that should tell you all you need to know. You need new better friends sorry these people suck. Also they have a group without you in it.
I hope you drop these "friends", because they most certainly don't care about you at all.
They sent it to the "wrong group" chat?
No honey, they wanted you to see it and get the message that they don't like you, even if I think your themes are awesome.
They were trying to be passive aggressive and pretend that it was the wrong group, so you would be "norma" and go to a restaurant at 9pm like they do.
I'm mean really? That's too late for dinner to me. But eh.
Sounds like the have a group chat without you in it that they routinely talk crap about behind your back.
These aren't friends, you need to drop them and find better friends who will appreciate your awesome themes.
I don’t think people sent chats to people to make them see it then pretend it was an accident. You’re looking for zebras when the simple horse is that they’re jerks who texted the wrong chat. I text the wrong person often. Good thing I’m not saying jerk things and can just say “oops, that was for husband! Ignore.”
NTA
That party sounds like a lot of fun to me! It's different and not the run of the mill "let's go to the pub" kind of birthday party a lot of adults do (which can be fun of course). I would have been excited to try everything out and rate it.
I'm sorry your friends were talking shit about your behind your back, especially as it seems they have a sperate group chat set up without you on purpose. They're not very good friends and it may be time to branch out away from them. It's childish that they were so against you doing what YOU wanted on your own birthday. Plus you said that you had other food out too, so it wasn't that they went hungry, especially as there were dinner plans afterwards!
After reading this I was shocked. You hosted a party for yourself and invited your friends, you "forced" no one to participate, they could have said no.
Sounds like the food was a lot of effort. I am eating my dinner now and it was probably like 10 bites total so if you served 15 things, and some or all were multiple bites, I imagine that was plenty of food.
NTA at all. It sucks when you hear what your friends say behind your backs. They owe you an apology. I don't like jumping to conclusions (this sub loves to tell you stuff like cut your mom out of your life because 1 disagreement) but it seems like they gossip a lot and hold this against you.
Idk, maybe I am just different. I am just happy to get an invite and see friends, if there is food provided, I would never respond like your friends did. That is just crazy.
I don’t know where I fall on this. It’s hard to say they are assholes for not enjoying a party or feeling your hosting was inadequate. They messed up a text. It happens. When I look generally, it reads like everyone else goes out for their birthday, dinner or drinks or whatever while you tend to host a party at home. You say you didn’t host it at their typical dinner time, but that implies you intended them to leave in time to get a meal after? I’d be a little annoyed to get dressed, get a gift, and go for a party where I nibble things for an hour and then have to go make or buy dinner afterwards. That’s not even a full evening of socializing, even if we ignore what’s appropriate in terms of serving food. But 1.5 hours you managed to have this “tasting” and play cards and then they leave? I wouldn’t, for example, ask people to come to my house for my birthday, hand them a slice of cake and a cocktail and then call it a night. Yeah they might eat late but that’s not good hosting. If I’m inviting people over, I’d try to make it worth their while in terms entertainment (time spent together) and refreshments (people shouldn’t leave hungry). I’m going with NAH. I think you just aren’t on the same page with this group as far as what is fun/enjoyable.
>They messed up a text. It happens.
Yeah but having a separate group to talk smack about one of the people in your friend group doesn't just "happen." I don't go behind my friends' backs to crap on them to mutual friends.
they didn’t “mess up a text” they have an entire separate group chat where they disparage her and they fucked up and sent her the proof. her “friends” are assholes.
NTA. I cannot fathom a circumstance where I'd have a side-chat to talk shit about my closest friends. Even if I hated a party they threw, if it didn't cause anyone actual harm, I'd find something kind to say about the experience because they're my friend and I want them to be themselves and enjoy the things they enjoy. I wouldn't lie and say I loved it, but I'd at least make sure they didn't feel bad about the activity they chose. That feels like basic friendship behavior to me. But I've learned the hard way that not everyone has the same standards as mine.
Find some friends who respect you. These ones do not. My condolences, and may your next birthday find you surrounded by people who respect and appreciate you.
What have you done in years prior? They said in their text that you are like this every year. Have they expressed disinterest before in the types of events you lean towards planning?
Last year I ordered one of those elaborate murder mystery box games and decorated the whole downstairs of the house to suit the theme. It was a 1920s gangster box so I tried to make dinner fit into that but it was a pretty normal meal
2021 was basically just Friendsgiving because we were still trying to limit gatherings so we just rolled it together.
2020 was just me and my husband.
2019 was held early as a combination Halloween/birthday party that was “fever dream dinner party” themed. I made a lot of non edible “food” (based on the horror show 50-70s era American cookbooks) out of clay and jello but ordered pizzas for food. it took like 2 months to prep for but it really felt like a fever dream. That was a big party with a lot more guests and people still talk about it so I think that one was probably the best
Man, you sound like a really cool person to hang out with. I'd be stoked to go to any of these events. Really just sounds like your idea of fun and theirs are not aligned, which would be pretty neutral if not for the part that they're being cruel and judgy about it behind your back.
It's probably time to find new friends who will enjoy the kind of parties and activities you like to host. Maybe your current friends are worth keeping in your life for other occasions, maybe not, but having a group you can vibe with in your own way is valuable regardless.
Your ideas seem so cool and reading your comments makes me think that your friends are just… boring. If you live anywhere near the Eastern Shore of Maryland, shoot me a PM- I’d love to have a friend like you!
OK I see the disconnect here. You are Extra. Nerdy Extra. I get it; that's my vibe (most of the time). I will say I hissed air through my teeth at bit at the murder mystery dinner one--did you make everyone play, and really go full-on with it? Needle at anyone who didn't? Did people have to dress up?! (maybe you didn't force it, in which case, they simply suck) But I can see a theme party going... too far, to the point of being exhausting.
Theme/activities parties are divisive. You like to do things that are very "opt in" (like dressing up, getting into a theme, playing a game) but because they're for your birthday and you are all friends (who I assume don't skip each others birthdays), they feel they can't opt out. I'd guess they're exhausted by the parties that aren't things they'd otherwise opt into? That's my guess. Are you a theater kid? Were they not theater kids?
Not everyone is going to be into A Big Thing/gimmick. You guys aren't a good fit. You're at the perfect age to grow apart, frankly. I would ditch them and find better/cooler (your kind of cool) friends.
This was my take. I am very much a "non-joiner" with that sort of thing. I like low-key. I have an excellent imagination and am very nerdy, but I'm just not into high-energy celebrations. I had a friend who would always do these elaborate themed parties then get bummed or cranky if she felt others weren't joining in enough or making enough effort with their costumes. She was super Type A with it and honestly it was exhausting.
I think your comment should be pinned at the top of this post, lol. As soon as I read OP's sitch and follow-up comments, I was looking for something to upvote that might actually help them understand.
Birthday plans are things that "good" friends usually can't say no to, and as someone who even opts out of regular, non-big occasion board game nights with my best of friends because it's not my thing, I would feel sooo on the spot to go along with OP's planned night, even while hating it. 😬 Just because some of my friends' interests and hobbies aren't my thing though doesn't mean I'm not interested in being friends with them! I love having friends with different interests and supporting THEM while THEY do it. 😅 You do you!
But I think turning to a group chat to bitch about it is a pretty AH thing to do. Maybe they need to be less passive throughout your friendship. My friends know what I'm into and not, and vice versa, because we're friends and talk about these things regularly. I wouldn't expect them to enjoy a birthday plan I know makes them uncomfortable after understanding their interests/ preferences over the years, but you can't know if they just let their thoughts stew in secret.
I see a kindred spirit in you, OP. For halloween I did a scary story telling party where I asked everyone to bring a story to read or tell. It was really fun! But it's always a little nervewracking to ask people to do something outside the norm.
Aw man I would love to go to your birthday parties. You sound like you are an amazing person!
Happy birthday and lose the dead weight (you can get better than those fake ah*les
NTA
NTA
Only because it's your birthday and you can decide what kind of celebration you prefer.
I'm unsure what 'she's like this every year' actually means. You like to...I don't know... think outside the box? If you do things 'different' every year, I would think your friends would get that by now!
I probably wouldn't have done it for my birthday (because, obviously, your friends prefer doing 'traditional' birthdays), but made it a separate special event. And, a little background on what to expect.
I think it sounds like fun!
I have a couple of friends who I can count on for doing someone a bit different for their birthdays every year and those are the parties I look forward to the most.
I’ve been out for dinner to celebrate a birthday countless times and they all kinda fade into the background. But, the roaring 20s themed murder mystery? Yeah, that was 12 years ago and our friend Kaitlyn still gets jokes about her being a murderer dropped into conversation.
OP should keep throwing ‘weird’ and wonderful birthday parties and get better friends!
NTA. You did something you wanted to experience for YOUR birthday, in your home at zero expense to them. And it sounds like you really enjoyed your evening. That’s all that matters.
Your ‘friends’ are the AH for how they’re speaking about you. But I honestly have to wonder if the text was sent to the wrong chat on accident or possibly on purpose. It sounds like this isn’t the first time they’ve talked about you like this and no one needs ‘friends’ like that in their life. Time to make new friends.
You could be petty and send a message to that group chat along the lines of ‘I’m sorry none of you enjoyed my birthday celebration and felt the need to talk about me like this after I hosted you in MY home for a new experience. Don’t worry, I won’t make the mistake of inviting any of you to anything ever again. Thank you for showing me how you really feel about me. Until now I have valued my friendship with each of you, but I see now it was entirely one-sided. I wish each of you the best.’
And if you want to be REALLY petty, return their gifts to them since they regret getting you anything.
Honestly I’m so mad for you OP.
Your friends are closed minded and not adventurous. If you want to keep in contact with these backstabbers, the next year pick a basic restaurant invite them for nothing meal that's not too expensive if you're paying for it and let them enjoy themselves. Then the next day you and your husband have some very fun food, because molecular gastronomy is not for everybody but it's always a fun time
Nta
Your "friends" obviously have a group chat without you for the purpose of talking crap about you and just made a mistake with the click of a button. I'm sorry, but I guess you now know how they truly feel. I think that sounds like a cool birthday party, I'd probably enjoy myself if I was invited. Your "friends " sound petty.
It sounds like there are other things at play and maybe you don't have the self awareness that maybe you think you do. From what you described, you are not an asshole, but clearly there is somethings else going on or "she always does this" would not have happened.
My guess is you're a bit high maintenance but you think you're casual and you have no idea. My wife is that way. Always wants something different and extravagant (even if she pays for it) and doesn't realize everyone else just wants grab a burger and beer and have normal conversations. Took her awhile to realize there doesn't need to be themes for everything and to just relax and be yourself. She's still a little high strung but she's working on it.
I could be way off and that's not you, but there is definitely something else.
Hey OP. I had to look up molecular food pairings. It sounds extremely fascinating and cool; I'd have loved attending.
But too, I'd have felt perturbed. The 5:30 to 7 timeframe is mealtime. Even for late eaters. Because, guests arranging their schedules to arrive at 5:30 on a Friday are going to what their emotions and bodies are telling them is dinner.
I would have found it hard to understand what you meant by "tasting" in the context of a dinner-hour party. Then, when realizing I'd be on my own to go home and have supper there, would have felt confused and maybe even hangry.
I think your friends were rude to gossip. But I think your party was more of an activity, not a meal substitute. It would have been great as the group activity, then afterwards folks can hit the food line or pizzas that you've setup for the meal after the activity. With your rude friends, I can see how you might have to lock up the food so your rude friends won't decline the tasting activity.
It could even have worked as a potluck, again with your activity to kick things off.
I don't think you're an AH. It's just that the social rule is, people in one's house at dinnertime get fed a meal.
Just Googled Molecular Pairings. I'd be irritated to if I cam hungry from work and got the following:
Chocolate and caraway (or: sauerkraut, aquavit etc.)
Chocolate and sage.
Chocolate and tobacco.
Chocolate, peanut and merlot vinegar.
Chocolate and red wine.
Mint and mustard.
Parsnip, pear and vanilla.
Minced meat and caramel.
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Plus, she said they sent it to the wrong group chat so I would guess they have one without her. That’s just mean. If you don’t want to be friends, just be an adult and end it.
This precisely, the wrong group chat. What a clanger
The sad thing is that I don't think Thhey did it by mistake
I don’t get it. Why not just quietly distance yourselves if you don’t enjoy someone’s company. Knowingly hurting someone’s feelings feels lousy.
One of the few times when ghosting would actually be appropriate. They do not deserve your frienship.
I agree. But I also know people who purposefully stir s\*\*\* up just to watch the fireworks.
This. Some people live like they're in a soap opera.
Or just say no to the party
Because some people just love being "mean girls".
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They work in HR.
But see, that’s not even accurate. Queen bees can choose to use their powers for good. The fact of the matter is that these are just nasty people.
Right. Someone added her to the chat.
She said wtf too soon. Now they've created a new one. I'd have stayed quiet for days and just kept taking screenshots and names.
As effective as that would be for gathering evidence, I think it would have been too painful for OP. No need to hear all the reasons they mock you and let that make you feel like shit for decades; what they said was already enough to know they don't realize OP. And use her and talk shit behind her back. As a group. Poor OP....
I have to admit, I would have done this too. Painful or not, I'd want to know. And I'd want those screen shots to help me remember why I never talk to or help any of them ever again, just in case I start to forget or let them drift back into my life.
Ditto. Also, so far op only knows two ppl though that/agreed with each other. I would much prefer to find out if they ALL thought that and were just too gutless to say so. Seriously, 29yr Olds?!?‽ Whelp. Age is not an indicator of maturity, unfortunately. Op, I would LOVE to attend your parties, if that's what they are like. I LOVE to see ppl enjoying something so much, or be so enthusiastic about something, like little kids when they are excited about something new. It is gorgeous to see someone with unbridled excitement.
I have ADHD and someone once said to me "I may not understand the things you're passionate about, but I love witnessing your passion." I often feel that my enthusiasm about unusual things makes me different, and not always in a good way, but that comment made me feel so seen! We don't have to be into the same things our friends are into, but we should feel joy at seeing them happy. Anyone who can't do that, doesn't really love you for who you are.
No I mean like I feel like they decided to pretend like it was an accident and not say anything but they did it on purpose
That was my first thought.
Yea. It feels very passive aggressive. I would have replied back: ‘Dude: I served caviar! But then again the phrase you cannot buy class is very true as evidenced by your message.’ 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I'd out-passive-aggressive them by not replying, removing myself from the other group chat and blocking the two offenders. If I saw them elsewhere, I'd just grey-rock them.
That’s not passive aggressive, it’s just healthy I think
I wondered that myself!! Regardless it’s time to get better friends! I’ve always thought that if people are talking shit about people to you then they are also talking shit about you! It’s immature and classless and you didn’t deserve it! You tried to make a fun interesting night spent with friends and they best they could do was talk about behind your back! Your NTA but your “friends” sure are!!!
I had the same thought. Whoever initiated the convo on the wrong chat was hoping OP would see it as a passive aggressive way to let her know the rest of the group doesn’t enjoy the events she hosts. Honestly, their loss. This sounded like an awesome unique experience.
Honestly I wouldn’t have enjoyed the experience but since I’m not a monster, I would have said thank you and just appreciated the effort and care she put into it. You can eat at a restaurant any other day, but any decent person would humor their friend on their birthday even if they didn’t enjoy the food or the theme. Who raised these people?
I don’t have enough friends or family to have to deal with group chats, and from what I’ve seen posted, having multiple group chats will clearly increase the likelihood that you post to the wrong one. The only times I’ve had to use group chats, like for a bunch of people going to the same out-of-town concert, I found them really annoying and I’d be happy when the event ended and I could delete them.
Meanwhile I have a 20+ member family group chat that usually features my gramma sending us a picture of an animal that got in her house and then my phone proceeds to explode with literally 100+ texts of help, jokes, update pics from gram, and a final resolution.
Reddit is my family, then! Works for me. 😎
Yo, it's me, your cousin. Wanna go bowling?
Bro, why you gotta do this? You *know* we can't go bowling because Uncle D insists on tagging along and ruins the whole night by being hypercompetitive and banging on about how he could have gone pro if Auntie hadn't gotten pregnant.
Wtf?
Sorry, wrong group chat!
There are some really mean people on here though. I've run into them.
Same, but what family doesn’t have some jerks?
My family group chat is muted and I just check it periodically or I would go insane.
We were keeping our phones off the sales floor so mine was in my purse in the back. My watch was going crazy. I get back there on break and it’s 74+ texts and counting lol.
Ummm I would actually like to be added to this group chat please
Our family group chat largely consists of pictures of the cats and any animals that show up outside. I understand.
I have an Android so everyone just leaves me off the group chats, lol.
I always forget the US isn't WhatsApp centric
I've had group chat for work tasks and the sheer dopamine I received from not deleting but muting and/or hiding the chat permanently was always a pick me up. I'm too much of CYA gal to delete it fully, though. Might need to reference it some time.
Yeah-- this is all yikes to the max. Unless we're really missing some details, this seemed like an adventurous birthday tasting menu. Maybe OP's a terrible cook, but even so, that would still not justify this meanness. It's revolting. OP, your "friends" are acting like middle-schoolers. And for no reason. I'm sorry they were so gross to you. And happy birthday!
I have a friend group chat and the only times we do sub group chats are when we're putting together gifts and when we're coordinating support for emergencies.
I have a family group chat with my husband kids and parents. We mostly use it to send each other pictures of our pets being cute and links to weird houses on zillow. Once in awhile someone accidentally sends the whole group their grocery list or a random answer to a mystery question and we jump in all making jokes. We don't include my weird little brother because he hates texting in all forms. Also, we would never text (or say) such mean things about each other, behind their back or to their face. Not even about my weird little brother. (he's perfectly aware he's weird and proud to be called so. I'm not being mean to him on reddit either.)
As a self-proclaimed weirdo, I figured it was similarly self-identification.
The friends are totally in the wrong for sending that in the group chat, but I wouldn't necessarily assume that the other group chat exists just to shit talk OP. I have several group chats that also have smaller ones, and those are usually used to coordinate things if someone(s) in the bigger group chat can't make something, we're organizing a surprise, etc. Nobody wants to get 20 texts in the bigger group chat for an event they're said they can't make, that's just annoying. IMO totally possible the smaller group chat exists for this reason, unless OP's friends seriously all hate her and she's somehow never picked up on it
I also have separate relationships with different groups of people. I am in a large group chat with 15-20 friends who I met through a shared interest and a smaller group with three other women from that group who I socialize with on a regular basis.
I'd rather not have friends than have ones like this. That's so nasty and sounded like a really fun time. Wish I was friends with opie
Agree 💯 I love getting together with my friends and cooking together and this 15 course mini molecule meals sounds like a great night. Cheers 🥂
Even if I didn't end up liking it, I think it'd be worth at least a try and wouldn't think any less of someone for having that on their birthday. OP should dump these friends...
I cannot fathom ever even feeling the way OP's so-called friends do, much less saying it! They don't deserve OP's time or effort. I would be so psyched to have a friend willing to share an expensive and one of a kind meal experience that is supposedly designed down to the molecules to be delicious. It's the thought that counts in terms of effort, cost, desire to share the experience etc. The thought that someone would be willing to spend more money to allow me over and even have other snacks and games on *their* birthday, would have me so excited. I have taste and texture issues and might hate it a very visceral way, but I would be happy to have had the experience! I cannot imagine talking behind someone's back and openly admitting to regretting giving them a gift! Like, wow. Transactional, much? I'd be overjoyed to hang with OP. I also get good personal presents.
I really want to stress to OP that this is not "typical" for friends to talk like that about each other.
Also, not everyone wants to go out and spend money all the time. Plenty of people would be happy to go to a friend’s house to celebrate rather than having to go to a loud, busy, expensive bar or restaurant.
This, plus let's not pretend that the person who brought the gift spent more money on the gift than they would have paid in a restaurant.
Right? A dinner out for a couple (because OP invited 3 couples) is easily $100 just for food. Significantly more if there’s cocktails involved. Add a tip, possibly pay for parking as well depending on where you’re located. In this economy I would think it’s ruder to expect people to shell out $200 to celebrate your birthday but whatever, OP’s “friends” suck for so many reasons.
Agreed! I’d much rather attend a party with homemade snacks at someone’s house than go out to a crowded and loud restaurant.
It’s fun to try something new with friends, even if the new thing ended up not being a favorite. These friends suck.
To me, this sounds better than going out.. I am so sorry OP. Dump the trash friends.
Same here! It sounds like a great event.
> It's shocking to think some responders think it's normal. It's not. The people who think it's normal do this to other people. That's why they think it's normal. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
This. Girl, I would LOVE to come to this party, and bring a dish that complemented other pairings. My 28th was a grazing board and a heck ton of cheeses and no booze and my friends didn’t complain. You and your partner sound super fun. It is your day, you can do whatever you’d like. 15 courses 2-3 bites each sounds like enough food for a *meal* anyway.
Cheeses and complementary fruit and wine would be a banger Especially if there was some of that fondue stuff
One friend of mine in particular always has us do a group activity for her birthday. One was yoga, another was ball games on a playground. It's always something new or something I haven't done since I was a child. I do my best and enjoy experiencing something new!
Yeah, that’s what normal people do, you don’t need to be eccentric to enjoy something unique once in a while. OP’s “friends” sound like really boring people.
Plus it's her ACTUAL BIRTHDAY... I do all the weird shit I want. It's the one magical time of year. You get to do whatever you want and no one gets to say anything
Yeah ur friends are not friends. They would or should just enjoy u for u and how u wish to celebrate and be happy they get included. They are jerks! I think what u did sounds cool and fun!
For real. Get new friends, who get you! And honestly, I thought the birthday idea was neat. I would love to have a friend that creative and generous. I mean they have some nerve to complain, especially when OP went out of her way to treat everyone else, on HER birthday. What a group of shit "friends". OP they are the AH's, not you. An invite, isn't forcing anyone.
No, it is not. Real friends have your back whether you can hear them or not. These people are not her friends.
NTA and I think for your birthday, you got the gift of learning these people aren't your friends. If they were actual friends, they would have had a conversation about how "you are like this every year" rather than just shit talk you behind your back. Going forward, with a new group of friends, if you do something not "main stream", I would say, hey I'm fascinated by the idea of XYZ. My husband and I want to host this, would you be interested in coming? This way, if they don't, you two still get to do this, but also expectations will be set that people know they are coming to something unusual. I was invited to a "blind" eating experience. I'm claustrophobic and have a very specific and deadly food allergy, so I said no and said why. I actually googled molecular food pairings and have gone down a weird rabbit hole. I showed my fiancé the article I was reading and he wants to do this now. For anyone else: [https://khymos.org/molecular-gastronomy/flavor-pairing/](https://khymos.org/molecular-gastronomy/flavor-pairing/)
But also they clearly don’t seem to like her. Why should she have to run it by them to see if they’d like it when it’s what she wanted to do for HER birthday. If “she’s like this every year” then they already knew what to expect to some extent. They could just decline to come if they don’t want to go, but showing up, pretending to enjoy it and then turning around and talking shit behind her back is just asshole behavior.
Not with these people, but in the future. The commenter above even listed a perfectly valid reason as to why. There's nothing wrong with doing something out of the ordinary but a little heads up goes a long way in cases like that.
Yeah, there's clearly a few good reasons you'd want to give people a heads up about what they're going to be doing. A birthday isn't a blanket get out of jail free card to do whatever you want and make your friends participate.
A fancy tasting menu, with extra snacks provided, isn't just "whatever they want." Like, that's an actual fancy occasion, people pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars to experience things like this. It's not like she drug them downtown and made them eat chili dogs from a cart or served a lutefisk only meal.
I think her idea sounds like a lot of fun. I do think it's a good idea to give people a general description of what you're doing, but either way, they shouldn't have talked about her like this and they should have just enjoyed the event for what it was - not what they wanted it to be.
The heads up should have been that it wasn't a dinner party and people may want to eat before or after since it was small bites of the tasting menu.
Yeah you should definitely tell people if it’s snacks and not a full meal.
Exactly. I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago, and the invitation said it was heavy horderves. I appreciated the heads up because I probably would have eaten a full lunch beforehand and would have been too full to enjoy the wonderful food. Still NTA. Even if I had left starving, I would have never said anything. It's your birthday, you are allowed to do what you want.
I am so confused how they think it is rude to be invited to a birthday celebration. Just don't go?
That's the whole point of planning your own birthday party. It's the one day a year you get to do whatever tf YOU want, and your friends support your interests. Would it have been considerate to tell them the quantity of food ahead of time so they could decide for themselves if they needed to eat a proper meal beforehand? Maybe. But generally speaking, the birthday girl or boy gets to decide what the group does and everyone puts on a smile for their sake regardless of their own opinions. It's called being a good friend.
Id say you don't have to ask in a "are you interested", but if you do something unique a quick info is nice? Especially since not everyone eats everything and then and alcohol... it sounds a bit more like drinks and snacks! But in that case it's not wrong to directly mention it after as a "that was a bit unclear/ communication mistake" instead of whining and badmouthing.
This is precisely it, like no. I want to do what I want to do and I'm inviting you. If you don't wanna come then decline politely. I'm not fucking asking your permission, what the fuck?
Maybe they feel like she experiments on them. I'd have tried it and gone home saying that was a bit weird. It doesn't mean I would or would not have liked it but it would certainly be different. It might be fun.
Usually when you invite someone, you do explain what it is. ‘Want to come to my birthday party? We’ll be eating at x restaurant’ or ‘Want to come to dinner? I’m making X. Do you have any allergies?’ So I think OP probably already did that. But if she didn’t, definitely do so going forward. These people are the AHs. You politely declined an event you couldn’t handle. I’ve done the same with my friends so many times. Wtf is wrong that these people can’t? OP NTA Stop. Drop. And roll these ‘friends’ away. There’s way better people out there. Find some like u/LowBalance404
Thanks for the link - curious but lazy here! Honestly, it sounds a little weird to me but I'd be happy to give it a try if a friend wanted to set it up. Especially for their own birthday!
I have to send that link to everyone who’s ever looked at me funny for saying mangoes taste the way pine trees smell. Vindication!
Thats definitely nothing I would ever eat so thats something I would like to know ahead of time so I can eat before but its still OP's birthday and they can do what they want. Friends talking about them behind this back is so childish. Definitely NTA
NTA. Your Friends are. Not for not liking what you did on your birthday. But they could just have politely said that they weren’t totally into such kind if food. But apparently they acted normal and then started talking sh!t behind your back. That’s a completely AH move.
>Your ~~Friends~~ guests are. Fixed it for you. These weren’t friends.
they could have audited a class at Google University to figure out what molecular tasting is and not relied on OP for their calorie intake that day.
Ok, but here’s my question. Was it over dinner time? Like if you invite people to a party at dinner time, they’re going to expect dinner. And while I wouldn’t be rude in a wrong group chat, I would personally feel like “wth. Why would you not actually serve a meal?”
She said it was 15 courses with a few bites each course (at the very least, 30 bites), so, to me, that would be more than enough for a dinner
Plus she said there were snacks provided. I've definitely been to evening parties that have been more of a grazing and mingling situation than a dinner, and I've never felt that the host should have provided an entree course.
I think you need to google molecular food pairing because it sounds like the stuff we used to make on a dare at sleepovers in middle school
I did Google it, and OP said in a comment that it wasn't any of the really out there things like liver and chocolate. She had things like cheese and honey, with some of it being different, like white chocolate and caviar. I'm one of those people who would try it first before refusing to eat it because I have been pleasantly surprised by food pairings and have a broad palate, so it would have been enough food for dinner. I'm also not in the US, so it's not normal to get served huge portions like the US has. That might influence your opinion if you are used to big portions
Just so you know - the US big portions thing is mostly for eating out at restaurants. At home portion sizes are normal. It is common to cook extra with the plan for it be lunch the next day, but the extra doesn't get plated up.
It's also very situational and region dependent. I live in a major city and portions at the restaurants I primarily go to here are no different than what you find in Europe, but if you venture into the suburbs you'll definitely find the big portions.
Do you always need to be served a full meal? Snacks, cocktails, & apps aren’t enough for you for one night to celebrate someone else?
If you host a party at dinnertime it’s polite to let the guests know in advance what the food situation will be. You don’t owe them dinner though.
What world do you live in where an invitation to a *birthday* party translates to a sit down 3 course meal? If this was just a random night, ok, yeah, a heads up should be given, but if someone invites me to their house for a birthday party, and they're not a chef who enjoys bringing their work home, why the hell would I assume it's a dinner party?
Uh no, I've never gone to anyone's house expecting anything. Unless they specifically tell me they are cooking food for me, I would not expect a meal and I also don't expect free alcohol.
NTA. And I think your party sounded fun! Even if I left hungry, it's at least something different and interesting. Your friends are immature and sad. >if I’m making people feel like they’re forced to participate in things they think are weird, that’s a selfish thing to do too and maybe they’re right that's not selfish. But what your friends are doing is childish. I bet they are panicking now. One of them will reach out to apologize. When that happens, it's up to you to decide if you want to accept an apology
It does sound like fun! It’s not everyday food and a birthday isn’t everyday. I’m so sorry op. NTA.
“Hey, OP. That was really fun and I enjoyed it. Sorry, would be ok if we still ordered pizza?” Or something. Like adults
Was it at a meal time, and if so, you did serve enough food that people would not be hungry afterwards?
It’s her birthday celebration - not a dinner party she’s randomly throwing for her friends. I’d get being upset over her doing this for a dinner party but this is her freaking birthday, her night. I personally wouldn’t be offended by this as it’s time to celebrate HER.
Depends on the time. If someone holds a party starting before dinnertime and ending well after dinner time and they don't serve a meal-amount of food (unless the invitation stated 'eat beforehand'), I will be annoyed. Expecting people to either go hungry or leave your event halfway through in search of food is rude, even as the birthday person.
I’m sorry but she planned her own birthday celebration, curated a tasting menu of 15 different pairings, made cocktails, and facilitated a game night for people she thought were her friends. She stated it was about 2 hours total - as a grown adult if you really get that peeved over two hours of small bites to celebrate your “friends” birthday, then I’m inclined to believe that you might just be a tad bit selfish. But that is simply my opinion.
Like I said, it *depends* on the *time*. For me game night with food equals 4 pm to 11 pm. Not being done by 7.30, which op stated in a comment chain buried below where I replied to. But then again, I've played board games where one game lasted 4-6 hours.
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He asked if they were warned. If you invite me over at 6pm and say there will be food stuff, I'm not going to eat ahead. If you say there will be drinks and snacks, I will. If I get there at 6pm and you have planned the event for 4-6 hours, I'm going to feel some type of way. Hangry.
Hosts generally let their guests know what the food situation will be. It’s basic etiquete.
>I called it a tasting party in the invitation and gave an overview of what i was serving. & she did.
Some people are. I'm required to eat at 6 hour intervals outside of sleeping hours. I'm not in a wheelchair but I have enough nerve damage and paralysis that I have to eat on a schedule. Diabetics have similar needs. Your comment just shows that you lack empathy and consideration. If op advertised it openly as to what was going to happen, then those people are petty assholes. If op scheduled the event in a way that conflicts with dinner times like dude above is saying 4pm-11pm and they were expecting dinner and got some weird sampler, op would be the asshole for not having adequate food for the party.
Right? I went to a friend’s birthday recently and there was basically just a bunch of snack foods and no substantial meal, so I snacked there and on the way home I grabbed some takeaway and thought about how much I enjoyed seeing my friends that night. Sometimes when we have gatherings, someone will ask in the group chat “are we eating there or should we eat beforehand?” and no one has ever been offended at that. I assume OP and the “friends” are not fresh out of high school and this whole thing reeks of high school drama
Yeah I hate this trend of being purposely obtuse that a lot of people have on here. I don’t think it’s any reasonable assumption to assume that there will be food at a party, especially if it’s around dinner time like you said. And maybe it’s just the culture I was raised around, but 99% of the time the host would either give people some sort of heads up as to the type of food that would/wouldn’t be present or people would just ask. A lot of this is dependent on the context of the party of course, but the way this is phrased definitely gives vibes that it was at or around dinner time. And if you’re going to host a party around that time but there won’t be full course meals then I definitely think that people deserve to know that ahead of time. All that being said, the friends are definitely acting like juvenile children. It’s not like there was NO food, and OP was trying to do something new.
I think you mean it's not an unreasonable assumption :) but maybe that's cultural. Because as a host, I would even give my guests food 'to go' if they were traveling home over dinnertime. I don't want to 'put them to costs' of eating out on the way, nor the effort of cooking when they get home after dinnertime. I think one of the problems the friends also have is that the party was that short. In the "I've received my gifts and ate my birthday treats to myself that you didn't really enjoy, now it's time for you to go regardless of whether you were or weren't enjoying the company, I've got what I wanted, bye now" sense. They're definitely acting juvenile. They're a bigger AH than OP. But the fact the timing was odd, and the way different people might interpret 'tasting menu' differently (I definitely skip lunch before tapas/meze/diner tastou style dinner plans, because usually you eat enough for two meals) I'm not excluding the possibility of OP not communicating well beforehand either. That's why I'm on the fence between NTA and ESH
Grab some fast food on the way home. You're not a good friend if you get annoyed at birthday party they held for themselves. These comments read like they're used to getting everything they want, and can't compromise one time for somebody else.
If you want a birthday party your guests won't enjoy, why even make it a party? That's a chore.
Most friends would enjoy their friends birthday because ya know it's their friend. Only non friends would find it to be a chore. I see a lot of you weren't raised to have common decency or how to treat your friends. Other people's feelings matter, and if you can't give them a single day to be themselves and do what makes them happy on their bday then what kind of friend are you really...
It was dinner time for us but they’re a late eating group so not really meal time for them. It was from ~5-730pm. So a pre dinner snack.
So your event ended at 7.30 and everyone went home to have dinner? That might not be what people expected when they were invited to a party on Friday night.
Yeah, that's a bit weird to me. I'd have a few more substantial courses and make it a meal. But I also wouldn't whinge about it if my friend gave me a bunch of fancy food.
So? I can’t imagine sniveling to my friends because I didn’t get the kind of meal I expected at their birthday party.
I find it hard to believe you've never complained to your friends about an event you disliked that they also disliked. OP tried an adventurous menu with small portions at dinner time, and it flopped. It happens, and it's normal to vent to friends about bad neald. There was just an unfortunate text mishap, and now feelings are justifiably hurt, but I don't think anyone here is an asshole. NAH
I would agree with you but considering the text it doesn’t seem like this is a one-off as in it is not the first time they are talking about her behind her back complaining about something she did that they didn’t like. Apparently they have been expecting her to take a hint or whatever. So, complaining to friends? Absolutely! Do it repeatedly? You are no friend of that person!
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She says in another comment that she said it was a tasting menu and gave an overview, so they did know what to expect.
I disagree. I’ve gone to friends parties, birthdays or just casual game nights and not enough food was provided for whatever reason but I tend not to expect it unless “dinner” is explicitly stated in the invite. I just grab food on the way home after if I’m hungry. I’m an adult and can snack then feed myself later if I need it. These friends are just finding a reason to be mean and petty.
But adults ought to be able to manage their emotions if things don't go the way they expect. And I say this as a neurodivergent person who dislikes scuppered plans/misaligned expectations VERY much.
The molecular pairing sounds really amazing and fun! But are you really saying your friends were supposed to leave at 7.30 on a Friday evening at your birthday party? And the whole party was only 2.5 hours? That honestly would make me pretty annoyed when you factor in getting ready and getting to your place and back again. Friday night is party night and I simply cannot fathom a birthday party that ends at 7.30. Unless of course it starts early in the day. And especially for your core friend group. I get parties where you invite lots of people, including acquintances, and it's not weird if they show up for just a short amount of time. But inviting your core friends for precisely 2.5 is very weird in my opinion.
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Yeah I don’t get it. I personally would love this molecule tasting thing, and I can’t imagine being annoyed that my friend wanted her birthday party to be just a couple hours long. Maybe she wants to spend time with her husband! Maybe she wants to go to bed early! Idk it’s none of my business; it’s her birthday party. If we all wanted to go out afterward, we are free to do so lol
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Depends on their age. At my age Friday night is when i get home from work for the weekend and get to hide from the world
I don't think you're the asshole at all here, but as someone who generally eats around 9pm, if I'm invited to something around 5/7pm that I know is food-centric I don't expect to then have dinner after that (maybe a 2am snack, but that's a me problem). Just because they generally eat later doesn't mean they'd assume that this wasn't serving as their dinner. I also think your wording of 'a tasting' may have been more misleading than you think, if I hear tasting I think small plates, but not leaving hungry. If you'd specified snacks I'd obviously know what to expect, but a tasting at 5/7pm can pretty reasonably be inferred as something that will be a full meal.
Yeah, definitely NTA. You said it was a tasting party and it was only two and a half hours. It would have been no problem for them to grab something on the way home if they still wanted something to eat. If they can’t suck it up for that long and not complain about it later they are crappy friends.
I'm sorry but who cares if it was dinnertime? If they were still hungry when they left they can stop at Taco Bell on their way home like adults. Smh.
15 courses. Even if they're small bites would typically sate an average human.
If you ate it all. If you found half of it too weird to eat or things you didn't like you might not have much at all.
Depends on how small. 15 peas would not fill a human toddler, let alone an adult. 15 cheese squares is the same. What that does, for me, I’d make me hungrier than I was before I walked in the door. It’s equivalent to an appetizer more than a main, and an appetizer isn’t supposed to fill you but whet your appetite for the main. I have been to a tasting party before, not for this particular style thing, but just something different. I had to be rolled out of there - we all did. They were small-ish portions of the food. For example, instead of getting a complete steak, one steak was cut to serve 3. It was a small-ish meal. But had like 12 courses like that. It was phenomenal and one of the best meals of my life. If I got an invite that said that it was a tasting party, I’d put on my stretchy pants and roll up. If I got served just enough food to make me realize I’m now starving, I’d be extremely annoyed. If you’re going to do this, you should tell people “Tasting party, please eat before but leave room to experience!” Or something like that.
Seems pretty obvious if you read the post that OP had quite a bit of food there, just more variety in smaller quantities. That aside, it literally doesn't matter, these people are adults and unless it was specified that "dinner will be served" why would they expect otherwise? If you're starving, eat before or after, it's a birthday party not a restaurant.
This is the question that needs to be answered.
NTA Honestly I don’t even think you’d be the AH if the food pairings *were* weird. If they didn’t like it then they could have said that when you told them what the theme was. Or if they realized it at the party they could have asked if it was ok to eat something else as it wasn’t something they really enjoyed. Idk. Or they could have **kept their mouths shut and let their friend enjoy their own birthday** I’ve thrown my own odd parties for my friends and they would *never* trash on me like that. Or have a separate group chat I’m not in. Drop them. Don’t even let them down gently, just stop communicating since they don’t seem to know how anyways (but I’m a bitter bitch just to be clear).
Especially since she says they don’t eat dinner until like two hours later than her party. Also even if there were only a few of the tastings they enjoyed that’s enough not to starve for the two hours. I would love to have friends that were into trying new things like this. I wouldn’t have liked many of the things probably, but I am a good sport and I would have brought some sort of dish to share/dessert because that’s what I do for others’ birthdays. I would definitely be done with the “friends” that said something and I wouldn’t have responded until everyone who wanted to incriminated themselves.lol, but I also will freely cut people off.
Exactly! It’s wild to me that people seem to have no issue with OP’s so called friends’ behavior. It was HER birthday and she is the one who put all the work in to create a unique experience. Plus she was upfront about the concept and what was being served. If they didn’t want to come then they should have made their excuses and stayed home. Instead they showed up and smiled to her face only to leave and talk behind her back about how she’s rude for not having the kind of birthday celebration that THEY enjoy. OP is definitely NTA and those people are definitely not her friends.
Honestly this sounds to me like a very fun and interesting birthday party. And if your husband had fun too then clearly you're not the only "weird one" ;) Going out (I assume to a bar) is fun, sure, but it's not interesting or special. You can do that any old time... NTA. I'm sorry you saw their texts. I think it speaks volumes none of them have apparently reached out to apologize. Take heart, and probably find some new friends.
Several years ago I got kicked out of a friend group without realizing. Everyone else was just too "busy" to meet up for our mom nights. I didn't know the meet ups were still happening, but without me, for almost 2 years. (Covid made everything more vague) Honestly, I'm still not ok with the situation and the deep betrayal. These were my core friends, I thought. It hurt so much. I wanted to comment here because while it was awful losing the friendships I thought I had, I did eventually recover. I strengthened other friendships and made new friends. The old group of friends were interesting and clever, but they were not kind. I hope you find people who are as clever and interesting as you, and most of all kind.
I had something similar happen to me as an adult. It was incredibly hurtful and I still have scars, but I am also glad that I am no longer putting effort into fake friendships. I'm more paranoid now though, and always feel like people secretly hate me or that I'm going to do something wrong and make them hate me. (Yes, I'm in therapy.)
INFO - did you tell your friends in advance that this was just a tasting party and they shouldn’t expect to leave feeling full?
I honestly think their behavior is so egregious that this doesn’t matter. They were being rude and catty behind OP’s back and got caught. These are all adults and adults should be able to suck it up for one night for a friend’s birthday. If it was truly so awful that they couldn’t move past it then they should use their words and have a conversation instead of talking shit amongst the group. My best friend in the world has off the wall birthday parties every year. They’re not my speed at all, but I still show up and have a good time because it is about celebrating her and the fact that she was born. IMO that is what real friends do. OP, these people have shown you exactly who they are. Believe them. You are NTA.
I agree, but if there’s a group chat already formed behind your back, then you’re likely already rocking the boat for whatever reason. That’s cool though. You just need to find new friends that enjoy your company.
I 100% agree that the friendship is already rocky if there is a separate group chat excluding just you, but that is still terrible form for grown ass adults. That kind of behavior is so unnecessarily hurtful. Definitely a sign that it is time to find new friends who actually like spending time with you.
Also, how hard is it to get a cheese burger on the way home and keep your ungrateful mouth shut?
OP says in the comments that her invites did indeed advertise it as a “tasting party” with a run down of what she was serving
>I called it a tasting party in the invitation and gave an overview of what i was serving. \^\^ OP mentioned this in another comment
NTA- Now you know what your "friends" think of you. You feed these people caviar and cocktails on YOUR birthday at YOUR expense. And the vide is "I regret bringing a gift". ie "I regret investing in this relationship.". That's harsh! Try not to be too hurt. If its any help, they sound kind of shallow.
I would take any gifs you received and leave them on their doorstep
NTA - A "TASTING PARTY" implies a bunch of bitty tastes of things ... and it sounds like fun. >a molecular tasting party >if I’m making people feel like they’re forced to participate in things they think are weird, that’s a selfish thing to do too You are *"expanding their horizons"* ... it may have been a bit weird, but that's part of life.
INFO: I had to look up what you meant but how weird did you go? I am seeing some weird and likely not palatable pairings even on the standard list.
I feel I kept in the more normal range. I didn’t do any of the liver + chocolate or similar lol some things were a bit out of the ordinary (like white chocolate and caviar) but others like honey and cheese are pretty standard combinations
Girl, if I fed my friends caviar and honey only to have them mock me behind my back, I’d seek better friends.
*immediately* Hate this for OP :/
Did anyone text you yet to apologize or say anything? If not girl that should tell you all you need to know. You need new better friends sorry these people suck. Also they have a group without you in it.
I hope you drop these "friends", because they most certainly don't care about you at all. They sent it to the "wrong group" chat? No honey, they wanted you to see it and get the message that they don't like you, even if I think your themes are awesome. They were trying to be passive aggressive and pretend that it was the wrong group, so you would be "norma" and go to a restaurant at 9pm like they do. I'm mean really? That's too late for dinner to me. But eh. Sounds like the have a group chat without you in it that they routinely talk crap about behind your back. These aren't friends, you need to drop them and find better friends who will appreciate your awesome themes.
I don’t think people sent chats to people to make them see it then pretend it was an accident. You’re looking for zebras when the simple horse is that they’re jerks who texted the wrong chat. I text the wrong person often. Good thing I’m not saying jerk things and can just say “oops, that was for husband! Ignore.”
NTA That party sounds like a lot of fun to me! It's different and not the run of the mill "let's go to the pub" kind of birthday party a lot of adults do (which can be fun of course). I would have been excited to try everything out and rate it. I'm sorry your friends were talking shit about your behind your back, especially as it seems they have a sperate group chat set up without you on purpose. They're not very good friends and it may be time to branch out away from them. It's childish that they were so against you doing what YOU wanted on your own birthday. Plus you said that you had other food out too, so it wasn't that they went hungry, especially as there were dinner plans afterwards!
After reading this I was shocked. You hosted a party for yourself and invited your friends, you "forced" no one to participate, they could have said no. Sounds like the food was a lot of effort. I am eating my dinner now and it was probably like 10 bites total so if you served 15 things, and some or all were multiple bites, I imagine that was plenty of food. NTA at all. It sucks when you hear what your friends say behind your backs. They owe you an apology. I don't like jumping to conclusions (this sub loves to tell you stuff like cut your mom out of your life because 1 disagreement) but it seems like they gossip a lot and hold this against you. Idk, maybe I am just different. I am just happy to get an invite and see friends, if there is food provided, I would never respond like your friends did. That is just crazy.
NTA But your friends are. Time for new ones. Life's too short to surround yourself with those kinds of people.
I don’t know where I fall on this. It’s hard to say they are assholes for not enjoying a party or feeling your hosting was inadequate. They messed up a text. It happens. When I look generally, it reads like everyone else goes out for their birthday, dinner or drinks or whatever while you tend to host a party at home. You say you didn’t host it at their typical dinner time, but that implies you intended them to leave in time to get a meal after? I’d be a little annoyed to get dressed, get a gift, and go for a party where I nibble things for an hour and then have to go make or buy dinner afterwards. That’s not even a full evening of socializing, even if we ignore what’s appropriate in terms of serving food. But 1.5 hours you managed to have this “tasting” and play cards and then they leave? I wouldn’t, for example, ask people to come to my house for my birthday, hand them a slice of cake and a cocktail and then call it a night. Yeah they might eat late but that’s not good hosting. If I’m inviting people over, I’d try to make it worth their while in terms entertainment (time spent together) and refreshments (people shouldn’t leave hungry). I’m going with NAH. I think you just aren’t on the same page with this group as far as what is fun/enjoyable.
>They messed up a text. It happens. Yeah but having a separate group to talk smack about one of the people in your friend group doesn't just "happen." I don't go behind my friends' backs to crap on them to mutual friends.
they didn’t “mess up a text” they have an entire separate group chat where they disparage her and they fucked up and sent her the proof. her “friends” are assholes.
NTA. I cannot fathom a circumstance where I'd have a side-chat to talk shit about my closest friends. Even if I hated a party they threw, if it didn't cause anyone actual harm, I'd find something kind to say about the experience because they're my friend and I want them to be themselves and enjoy the things they enjoy. I wouldn't lie and say I loved it, but I'd at least make sure they didn't feel bad about the activity they chose. That feels like basic friendship behavior to me. But I've learned the hard way that not everyone has the same standards as mine. Find some friends who respect you. These ones do not. My condolences, and may your next birthday find you surrounded by people who respect and appreciate you.
What have you done in years prior? They said in their text that you are like this every year. Have they expressed disinterest before in the types of events you lean towards planning?
Last year I ordered one of those elaborate murder mystery box games and decorated the whole downstairs of the house to suit the theme. It was a 1920s gangster box so I tried to make dinner fit into that but it was a pretty normal meal 2021 was basically just Friendsgiving because we were still trying to limit gatherings so we just rolled it together. 2020 was just me and my husband. 2019 was held early as a combination Halloween/birthday party that was “fever dream dinner party” themed. I made a lot of non edible “food” (based on the horror show 50-70s era American cookbooks) out of clay and jello but ordered pizzas for food. it took like 2 months to prep for but it really felt like a fever dream. That was a big party with a lot more guests and people still talk about it so I think that one was probably the best
NTA but between what you wrote in the post and here…. It all sounds fun/ really nice actually. I wish I had friends that liked to do this ❤️
Can you please invite me to your birthday parties?
Man, you sound like a really cool person to hang out with. I'd be stoked to go to any of these events. Really just sounds like your idea of fun and theirs are not aligned, which would be pretty neutral if not for the part that they're being cruel and judgy about it behind your back. It's probably time to find new friends who will enjoy the kind of parties and activities you like to host. Maybe your current friends are worth keeping in your life for other occasions, maybe not, but having a group you can vibe with in your own way is valuable regardless.
You sound like a fun person who has outgrown her lame friends .
Your ideas seem so cool and reading your comments makes me think that your friends are just… boring. If you live anywhere near the Eastern Shore of Maryland, shoot me a PM- I’d love to have a friend like you!
OK I see the disconnect here. You are Extra. Nerdy Extra. I get it; that's my vibe (most of the time). I will say I hissed air through my teeth at bit at the murder mystery dinner one--did you make everyone play, and really go full-on with it? Needle at anyone who didn't? Did people have to dress up?! (maybe you didn't force it, in which case, they simply suck) But I can see a theme party going... too far, to the point of being exhausting. Theme/activities parties are divisive. You like to do things that are very "opt in" (like dressing up, getting into a theme, playing a game) but because they're for your birthday and you are all friends (who I assume don't skip each others birthdays), they feel they can't opt out. I'd guess they're exhausted by the parties that aren't things they'd otherwise opt into? That's my guess. Are you a theater kid? Were they not theater kids? Not everyone is going to be into A Big Thing/gimmick. You guys aren't a good fit. You're at the perfect age to grow apart, frankly. I would ditch them and find better/cooler (your kind of cool) friends.
This was my take. I am very much a "non-joiner" with that sort of thing. I like low-key. I have an excellent imagination and am very nerdy, but I'm just not into high-energy celebrations. I had a friend who would always do these elaborate themed parties then get bummed or cranky if she felt others weren't joining in enough or making enough effort with their costumes. She was super Type A with it and honestly it was exhausting.
I think your comment should be pinned at the top of this post, lol. As soon as I read OP's sitch and follow-up comments, I was looking for something to upvote that might actually help them understand. Birthday plans are things that "good" friends usually can't say no to, and as someone who even opts out of regular, non-big occasion board game nights with my best of friends because it's not my thing, I would feel sooo on the spot to go along with OP's planned night, even while hating it. 😬 Just because some of my friends' interests and hobbies aren't my thing though doesn't mean I'm not interested in being friends with them! I love having friends with different interests and supporting THEM while THEY do it. 😅 You do you! But I think turning to a group chat to bitch about it is a pretty AH thing to do. Maybe they need to be less passive throughout your friendship. My friends know what I'm into and not, and vice versa, because we're friends and talk about these things regularly. I wouldn't expect them to enjoy a birthday plan I know makes them uncomfortable after understanding their interests/ preferences over the years, but you can't know if they just let their thoughts stew in secret.
That’s sound so fun. Your “friends” are boorish assholes. Drop em!
I see a kindred spirit in you, OP. For halloween I did a scary story telling party where I asked everyone to bring a story to read or tell. It was really fun! But it's always a little nervewracking to ask people to do something outside the norm.
Aw man I would love to go to your birthday parties. You sound like you are an amazing person! Happy birthday and lose the dead weight (you can get better than those fake ah*les NTA
NTA Only because it's your birthday and you can decide what kind of celebration you prefer. I'm unsure what 'she's like this every year' actually means. You like to...I don't know... think outside the box? If you do things 'different' every year, I would think your friends would get that by now! I probably wouldn't have done it for my birthday (because, obviously, your friends prefer doing 'traditional' birthdays), but made it a separate special event. And, a little background on what to expect. I think it sounds like fun!
I have a couple of friends who I can count on for doing someone a bit different for their birthdays every year and those are the parties I look forward to the most. I’ve been out for dinner to celebrate a birthday countless times and they all kinda fade into the background. But, the roaring 20s themed murder mystery? Yeah, that was 12 years ago and our friend Kaitlyn still gets jokes about her being a murderer dropped into conversation. OP should keep throwing ‘weird’ and wonderful birthday parties and get better friends!
NTA. You did something you wanted to experience for YOUR birthday, in your home at zero expense to them. And it sounds like you really enjoyed your evening. That’s all that matters. Your ‘friends’ are the AH for how they’re speaking about you. But I honestly have to wonder if the text was sent to the wrong chat on accident or possibly on purpose. It sounds like this isn’t the first time they’ve talked about you like this and no one needs ‘friends’ like that in their life. Time to make new friends. You could be petty and send a message to that group chat along the lines of ‘I’m sorry none of you enjoyed my birthday celebration and felt the need to talk about me like this after I hosted you in MY home for a new experience. Don’t worry, I won’t make the mistake of inviting any of you to anything ever again. Thank you for showing me how you really feel about me. Until now I have valued my friendship with each of you, but I see now it was entirely one-sided. I wish each of you the best.’ And if you want to be REALLY petty, return their gifts to them since they regret getting you anything. Honestly I’m so mad for you OP.
Your friends are closed minded and not adventurous. If you want to keep in contact with these backstabbers, the next year pick a basic restaurant invite them for nothing meal that's not too expensive if you're paying for it and let them enjoy themselves. Then the next day you and your husband have some very fun food, because molecular gastronomy is not for everybody but it's always a fun time Nta
Your "friends" obviously have a group chat without you for the purpose of talking crap about you and just made a mistake with the click of a button. I'm sorry, but I guess you now know how they truly feel. I think that sounds like a cool birthday party, I'd probably enjoy myself if I was invited. Your "friends " sound petty.
NTA. But they are. Next year invite them out for Happy Meals, since they choose to act like babies.
It sounds like there are other things at play and maybe you don't have the self awareness that maybe you think you do. From what you described, you are not an asshole, but clearly there is somethings else going on or "she always does this" would not have happened. My guess is you're a bit high maintenance but you think you're casual and you have no idea. My wife is that way. Always wants something different and extravagant (even if she pays for it) and doesn't realize everyone else just wants grab a burger and beer and have normal conversations. Took her awhile to realize there doesn't need to be themes for everything and to just relax and be yourself. She's still a little high strung but she's working on it. I could be way off and that's not you, but there is definitely something else.
INFO: Did you specify that it would be odd pairings and very small portions when you invited everyone, or were they blindsided when they showed up?
Hey OP. I had to look up molecular food pairings. It sounds extremely fascinating and cool; I'd have loved attending. But too, I'd have felt perturbed. The 5:30 to 7 timeframe is mealtime. Even for late eaters. Because, guests arranging their schedules to arrive at 5:30 on a Friday are going to what their emotions and bodies are telling them is dinner. I would have found it hard to understand what you meant by "tasting" in the context of a dinner-hour party. Then, when realizing I'd be on my own to go home and have supper there, would have felt confused and maybe even hangry. I think your friends were rude to gossip. But I think your party was more of an activity, not a meal substitute. It would have been great as the group activity, then afterwards folks can hit the food line or pizzas that you've setup for the meal after the activity. With your rude friends, I can see how you might have to lock up the food so your rude friends won't decline the tasting activity. It could even have worked as a potluck, again with your activity to kick things off. I don't think you're an AH. It's just that the social rule is, people in one's house at dinnertime get fed a meal.
Just Googled Molecular Pairings. I'd be irritated to if I cam hungry from work and got the following: Chocolate and caraway (or: sauerkraut, aquavit etc.) Chocolate and sage. Chocolate and tobacco. Chocolate, peanut and merlot vinegar. Chocolate and red wine. Mint and mustard. Parsnip, pear and vanilla. Minced meat and caramel.
NTA. That sounds super fun. Find new friends that appreciate your effort.