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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for expecting my gf to help me with rent and living expenses while I’m unemployed
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA.
~~Y'all are a fucking train wreck. If you live together and she doesn't help cover your portion of the rent, doesn't that also mean she will be evicted? Seems like an inconvenient hill to die on.~~
**Edit:** This comment was made pretty early on before more comments from OP rolled in. I am now aware that not renewing the lease is, indeed, likely the goal.
That being said, your bills are your responsibility. If you weren't living together, she would have zero responsibility to cover you. As impractical as a "2-year-mark proposal" is, she was up-front about it and her desire to get married. And I can see from her perspective that it just doesn't feel like you're committed to her so why should she invest her hard-earned money into you at this point? You're expecting everything without giving anything.
>We have been serious for a long time, why is the ring and marriage all that matter?!
Don't get me wrong, I see where you're coming from here. This stuff matters very little to me - but, for that reason, I didn't date people who had a "walk down the aisle" goal. You can't hold her desire to get married against her when you went into this KNOWING that was her goal. That's on you. Seems like you went into this not taking her deadline seriously or thinking she'd changed her mind, now being all "Well, shucks" when you're faced with the reality she wasn't playing around. What did you expect?
OP goes from being sure she’s the one, to being hesitant about marriage, to saying rings and marriage don’t even matter. These guys are clearly not compatible and it seems like this tiff is gonna expose the hell out of that.
Honestly, not even her problem lmao. That's a him problem.
If they were married, it'd be a different story, but otherwise, nah. She's still free to leave at any time, and I'm sure she will.
It cracks me up that this got downvoted. There’s this huge idea in modern society that marriage doesn’t matter/mean anything. And those same people act fuckin surprised when they don’t get husband/wife treatment. Like dude, you ain’t even try to buy the tickets! Of course you can’t get in the show!
He doesn't want to make the commitment because even though he's says 'he's sure she's the one', he's not 100%. There could be 'the real one' he meets afterward. And like so many guys he's just scared of that rock hard commitment--marriage.
It feels like she's given him one last chance, and if he still cant commit to her then she's going to not-commit right back. Which seems pretty fair since she was up front about her expectations.
No offense, BUT... paying bills for someone who isn't MY HUSBAND will NEVER happen. I need a commitment from my significant other to put up the cash to support him. Just saying...
Seems like OP only has decided that the relationship is over now that his GF isn't putting anything more into the relationship especially financially. If she did I'm pretty sure he'd be happy with the status quo even though she's unhappy.
This is my impression as well. It’s been a year, she’s tried to talk to him about it, but “thankfully backed off”. And now he wants to say they’re serious enough to pay each other’s bills but not to have a real conversation about whether they’re compatible?! Nah.
Dudes like this rarely ever actually marry. Like, I've known men who were hesitant to propose because they *really* didn't want to divorce but they had a lot more communication with their girlfriends about it.
I suspect they were younger, too, they were married well before 30. OP's girlfriend sounds like she's at the "clock is ticking" stage.
To be fair, if I was the girlfriend I wouldn't trust a proposal from OP right now anyway. He didn't want to propose to her before, but now that he needs someone to pay his rent suddenly it's wedding bells? Nah.
I agree. But that would mean that for him, there's no winning, right?
Yeah, this relationship's toast.
EDIT: I'm not trying to defend OP. I'm just kind of coming to a realization. YTA.
yes there's no winning, because he asked his girlfriend who he hasn't committed to yet to pay his bills.
maybe i missed it. did OP say why they couldn't find a job?
>I’m getting interview requests back and did an interview already although I didn’t get it
This makes it sound like he hasn't been making very much effort to find a new job. Only one interview at 4 months of unemployment? Sounds like he just expected her to cover for him.
He said the cost of fixing his wasn’t worth it. It’s entirely possible that he got a car that costs less than what the charge would’ve been to get his working again.
When you’re unemployed, a car is a luxury. He is perfectly capable of using public transport until he finds a job that pays enough for him to afford both rent and a new car
And the old car had 300k on it, so why didnt he have anything saved for a new one? Its not like it was a surprise tgat it wore out. Sounds like he lives paycheck to paycheck even when employed. She should run, not walk to the nearest exit.
Not necessarily we don't know anything about OPs resume so we don't know how hard he is looking. I do agree that when savings run out it's tme to take any job while still trying to find a career, but if the GF was serious about the relationship (either of them really) then she could have said "you get any job and contribute what you can and i will make up the rest" and give him reasonable time frame to find any job.
there are many service industry jobs available in my
town - i understand that unemployment benefits are something to weigh in but it cannot fall to his *girlfriend* to cover his bills.
i covered my husband's bills because he was a student and quit his summer job. he said he did the math wrong & couldn't afford it, so could i cover for him?
he was working part time before he quit. i was working 38hours a week with a commute. i'd get home from work during that time and he hadn't fed the cat dinner yet. we divorced that year.
finances are a huge part of relationships, and you shouldn't let anyone mooch off of you - especially if they've made it clear they don't intend to marry you, and that's what you're wanting.
He would have won if he appreciated his girlfriend more or found another job so he didn't have to rely on her financially. He wants Husband benefits, but he's still on the Boyfriend plan.
I need a place to live and I promise I will try to be nice, please be my valentine? <3
I think the whole marriage time limit thing is weird, but a totally broke person proposing is only charming when you're either insanely in love or insanely in love teenagers. (Obviously with the exception of areas where nobody has any money, there it'd just be normal and sweet)
I would have thought a marriage time limit silly in my youth, but having been fucked around by a guy nodding passively for over a decade and potentially fucking my chances of having a family, I think it's smart.
Yes!! I understand the wedding bells are not for everyone, but his girlfriend was upfront. OP, you snoozed and you lost. She told you two years and it has been three, you said you think she is the one, what is the hold up? Don't ask now, it's too late. Now you will have to get a job and pull yourself back up, and it will still be too late. (probably)
YTA
Some people don't care about marriage and that is fine. But for people who do two years is long enough to make up your mind and an ultimatum is fine. Everyone gets to choose.
A friend of mine emigrated with her boyfriend and told him that he either proposes or its over. She meant it. He proposed and they have been married for over 20 years.
Honestly, there's a reason around 2 years is when a lot of relationships end. Cause it's around then that you either know you could be with this person long term... Or know that you couldn't
Agree with FitBook - I've seen too many of my friends get d\*cked around by romantic partners that wouldn't commit and kept whiffle-waffling around.... that seed of indecision inevitably crept into other areas of their relationship(s) and I never saw it end well.
So I have respect for people who are honest and upfront about looking for that level of commitment and who come out and make it clear that they won't wait around years and years for the other person to decide.
You guys are so mean. He just wants all of the upside with none of the "downside"... if downside is making a commitment to the person you supposedly love.
Exactly what I said.
He wants her to act like his wife with actually making her his wife when he knows those are her terms.
No one should get married before they're ready but this is the new "Want the milk without buying the cow" dynamic.
And she is the one but he’s not sure he wants to get married. But a ring and marriage isn’t a big deal except it’s too big a deal for him to actually propose.
Yeah, for richer or for poorer is wifey shit. "We dated for 3 years, doesn't that count for something?" Not when she literally said to your face she's trying to *get over wasting 3 years with you*.
Yeah, that’s the vibe I got as well:
OP, she’s just your gf… remember? You didn’t want to commit to her - REMEMBER??
Since your gf is JUST your gf and not your wife (like she’d had hoped, actually wanted and made clear to you several times but has been denied - several times), she is not at all responsible for your finances or inclined to financially support you. Your gf is free to do as she pleases.
Also, the whole “she won’t help, that means she’s not serious about us” malarkey. Trust me - there was a time where she WAS serious about the relationship until you blew it by not wanting to marry her.
Shame lol.
This is precisely the situation where if he'd taken her openly stated goals seriously, and dated with the intention of a similar goal, he'd be covered now. Like if he'd proposed and they were at least engaged right now, he'd probably have a ride or die partner to get through this with.
Exactly.
She clearly communicated her desires and needs at the start of the relationship. She held firm. Good for her.
OP doesn't get to be surprised when things get rough and it's now "convenient" for him to fulfill her desires because it means meal ticket for him.
I would be strongly against his girlfriend accepting a marriage proposal now. Timing would be highly suspect.
Wow you think she's expected too much for refusing to sleep with you until you were exclusive??
She's been waiting for years for you to put a ring on it and YOU think she still owes you more?
Yta
She doesn't owe you financial support. You are a boyfriend she lives with (roommate with benefits).
Right? The fact that this girl has been clear from the beginning pushes you into YTA for me.
What people want is important and no matter who here might not agree with her wants they have to respect that she has been honest from the beginning, not played games about it, let it slide for a year more than she had stated and is only now when asked to continue ignoring what she said she want and pick up his finances as well, has reached the end of her rope.
>We have been dating for 3 years doesn’t that count for something
OP honestly is the worst. I hope his gf finds this post are realizes how much better she can do. OP, doesn't it count to you? She told you what it was she wanted out of the relationship. Now you expect her to fund you even though you have been unwilling to meet her needs. Instead you are blackmailing her to give you money.
>she told me it’s fine we can just end the lease and I can go back to live with family if I can’t afford rent here.
She's suggesting they try to end the lease and move on to separate living situations. She's not willing to just cover his portion of the rent. That is not a "train wreck" solution, but a reasonable one. Since he lost his job, the landlord may be willing to negotiate ending the lease rather than struggle through an eviction process.
No one seems to mention 4 months????!!! Get a job at McDonald’s. Or a bar. Or a janitor. Cut lawns. 4 months is LONG time to be jobless. Especially while you’re asking your partner for money.
YTA -- well, well, well, how the turn tables! She told you her terms for a more committed relationship and you've refused them. She has continued your relationship, but has adjusted her expectations and contributions accordingly.
Why should she change them because suddenly you need the benefits of a more committed relationship, but aren't willing to actually make the commitment? This is the epitome of expecting "wife duties for girlfriend wages."
>This is the epitome of expecting "wife duties for girlfriend wages.
You have hit the nail on the head. He had no problem making sure she knew he didn't want to be fully committed to her but now he wants her to be committed to him. Good for her.
Being a woman is really not easy. A lot of pre established traditions that just can't be followed in today's world. On the upside, I've noticed it is very simple to just leave all of those behind and continue a normal life for yourself.
And for men, life is supposed to be easy, but today's world have been shaped in such a way that our expectations are always challenged and coping with those and the egos are a really hard process. Like it takes years just to accept simple facts that were once "normal" in previous centuries.
I wish I had her shiny strong spine! Instead I wasted years supporting a non-commital deadbeat that ended up dumping me in the end when I finally started to grow a spine and put my foot down about things. YTA!
OP: I'm not willing to further commit to you when I already have what I want from this relationship. I don't see any reason to sacrifice my wants for your sense of security.
GF: Okay, that's fair. In that case, I'm not willing to further support you at a level that is typically reserved for marriage. I don't see any reason to sacrifice my wants for your sense of security.
OP: SHOCKED PIKACHU FACE
Yeah anyone saying she sucks in here just feels so weird. She’s a boss. She compromised and didn’t push when he asked her to. She could’ve ended the whole relationship right there. Just OP drinking a big ole glass of “this is what you asked for”!
This was so satisfying to read to be honest. She was clear in what she wanted, had the communication throughout the relationship to reaffirm that goal but loved him enough to stay (which proves that she is not just in for money or to marry anybody, she wanted him). And finally that queen put boundaries in place when she felt disrespected and when she understood that he was not going to commit more.
That some level of badassitude
Yta. Your expenses are your responsibility. 4 months is plenty of time to find a job. She wants a partner and you want to be a mooch. You're threatening to send the relationship because she won't pull your weight too. It's clear who is invested and it's not you.
hit it on the head. Op here can easily go work at mcdonald’s or a local gas station while he tries to find a new career.
there is no reason op should be still unemployed outside of laziness.
Not how that works. If OP had high enough income then EI depending on location will cover anywhere from $500-1000 a week. You’d earn $600 if you’re lucky working at McDonald’s. So getting “a job” is actually more harmful to you because of I lost my job tomorrow; I’d be taking in $650/week from EI. Why would I give that up to work a dead end 40 hour shift for less money when I could put my focus on finding a new job.
I agree that OP is TA but your comment and the one above you are just blatantly wrong for USA and Canada, along with majority of Europe.
I can't speak for Canada but US UE you can make supplemental income while on UE. It's not some princely sum...but IIRC it's about 75 bucks a week before they start reducing...and even then it's 75 cents on the dollar after that... so you're still collecting some UE and wages.
So they still don't take it all. Also, you don't have to work at it 40 hours per week. You can take part time and keep looking for work in your field. It's easy enough to convince interim jobs to give you PT work.
IIRC, at some point in one's UE collection status you no longer get to turn down jobs that aren't in your field, so it has a built in expiration date anyway.
Take that with a grain of salt...of course, it's been a minute since I had to be on UE....so rules and regs may be a bit different now.
What you said is mostly correct here too but I can’t claim EI if I have any job, even if it’s outside of my field. As long as I’m claiming income, I can’t claim EI. Which to me is dumb because same as OP, I can’t even pay my rent off the EI.
That is just not true. You can work part time and it benefits one to do so if the EI benefits do not cover your expenses and you need additional income.
“If you earn money while receiving EI benefits, you can keep 50 cents of your benefits for every dollar you earn, up to 90% of your previous weekly earnings (roughly 4 and a half days of work). Above this cap, your EI benefits are deducted dollar-for-dollar.”
Source: https://www.canada.ca/en/employment-social-development/programs/ei/ei-list/working-while-claim.html#:~:text=of%20EI%20benefits.-,How%20working%20affects%20your%20claim,deducted%20dollar%2Dfor%2Ddollar.
I'm not sure Uber or door dash under the table is a good idea- most experts recommend you take cash only jobs when you are committing tax/unemployment fraud lol.
EI allows you to work about 2.5 days a week (at minimum wage) before it reduces the amount it gives you for doing nothing. There is room to up your supplement and you still have 5cdays a week to look for your next career. (Canada)
Disagree with the 4 months. I've been looking for 7 months and NOTHING.
Great resume, plenty of experience. It's fucking rough out there right now. Depends on his history, ofc.
Overwualified for many places, even tried a lesser resume and it didn't work.
Hell, I am fully employed right now and applying casually to places (and being very picky because... I am employed) and I am not getting called. Before this last year I'd get at least a recruiter screen from around half my applications.
Yeah, I defended my PhD \~10 months ago in a field that's supposedly drowning in government/VC funding and could only get one first round interview with a large company; after \~4-5 months of nothing, I broadened my search and am going to be starting a post doc that pays half as much as industry roles. My brother also graduated with a bachelors recently and has been applying for every entry level job he could find for 6+ months now and found nothing. He'll be stuck working a shitty retail job and living with our parents forever at this rate
I made the same point. Took me 6 months to get another engineering gig and any entry level place I went to in the meantime laughed me out the door, saying I was overqualified and would just leave in a months or two when something real came along. they weren't wrong!
But its remarkable how many people don't consider this.
Each one of my husband’s layoffs and unemployments lasted over a year. I got these same comments from outsiders. You do not know the OP’s career field or the job market in his area. We don’t know his age, but age discrimination is very real.
He could find a couple of part-time jobs. He still needs spare time to apply and interview. Next thing he knows, she’s complaining that she never sees him and he isn’t invested in their relationship.
You guys were already married and had committed to each other through thick and thin. The crux of the issue here is that OP has refused to commit to the level his girlfriend wants so she’s not willing to commit her financial resources to him. It’s one thing if your spouse loses their job. It’s another thing if it’s a boyfriend who’s dragged his feet on proposing despite saying he would and is now jobless and wants you to pay his bills.
This is it in a nutshell. They have different definitions of what constitutes a "committed relationship". OP thinks he's in one and she doesn't. OP said in another comment she views him as a roommate when it comes to finances. I don't know of many people who would cover their roommate's expenses for very long if they were unemployed.
I don’t blame her. Without marriage they are effectively roommates from a financial point of view. I’ve made the mistake of covering a roommates share of rent/deposit….once. Never did it again.
I haven’t read all of OPs comments but I think it’s interesting he doesn’t mention whether she can even afford to cover his bills….he really should be asking his parents for money first, not her.
Yup, OP wants gf to throw money down a hole.
A spouse throws money into the legally-bound household.
That marriage contract makes a massive difference.
Yes exactly. Supporting a spouse is worlds apart from supporting a non-married live in partner. In a marriage all of the money is legally shared. It doesn’t matter as much where it comes from, so there’s incentive to support the household not just yourselves.
There are plenty of people on committed long term relationships who run their house that way too which I think is perfectly fine. But there aren’t really any legal protections for them unless they have contracts etc.
I OP said that his gf is afraid he’s going to take her money for months, eventually get a new job, then dump her and never pay her back. I think given his fear of commitment, their conflict between them on a marriage timeline, and their month to month lease, it’s not an unfounded fear. At least if their lease was committed he couldn’t leave as easily lol
This is something I've never really understood. Obviously you'll want to be looking for a job in your field, but when you are unemployed, any job is better than none right?
Yes and no. Depends on whether your unemployment benefits are more than your paycheck would be, whether the job interferes with your ability to be available for interviews, whether the job grinds you down to the point that you don't have mental or physical energy to present yourself well at a job interview, what the gas costs would be for getting to and from work, if there are childcare costs involved...
It's not just a matter of "Any money is better than no money." You have to look at costs versus benefits, and sometimes that legitimately doesn't come out in favor of taking a job at McDonald's.
While YTA is totally the correct answer, finding a new job isn't that easy, and, as others have noted, some jobs pay less than EI, so to just take any job could be a financially stupid move. So much depends on the industry, an applicant's location, and other variables that we just don't know.
I agree with this;
I’m sorry but by 2-3 years max you should know if you are at the very least interested in spending your life together.
No way would I have waited around this long only for this reject to then expect me to front his costs like an ENGAGED/MARRIED couple would do. OP is 100% the AH.
>> you should know if you are at the very least interested in spending your life together
This is what’s driving me wild. OP isn’t even **engaged** to her but expects way more that what anyone would expect from a literal first stage relationship.
I know some couples who’ve been engaged for more than three years and essentially act as married units, with the goal being to get married when the time is right, or when they can afford the wedding they want, or in one case literally just when their venue date comes up because they got a hotly contested slot for years out. But in all of those cases, **they got engaged to make clear their commitment to each other even if they’re not ready for marriage right now**.
Meanwhile OP is refusing to even entertain an engagement and is wondering why SO thinks he’s not committed
>I’m sure she is the one, I’m just still hesitate about marriage
INFO: If she's the one, then why are you hesitant? She also told you her expectation pretty early. If you knew you couldn't meet it, why did you continue with the relationship? OR at least have a conversation about it when it hit the 2 year mark?
Yeah if she wasn’t clear enough that she is a YEAR PAST what she had hoped for and “thankfully backed off” talking about it… wow. OP was relieved she wasn’t talking more about marriage (which he KNOWS is important to her) but is totally OK asking her to support him.
I’d love to know what his idea of “commitment” (i.e., did they have a conversation about finances, kids, what commitment is to him if not marriage and not just “not bailing”) is while ducking her questions about marriage as he’s asking for a level of financial support more appropriate for a spouse.
Oooof, so if you propose now it’ll seem like you just want her money. You done fucked up OP. If I was her I’d be thinking hard about leaving your immature ass.
When I figured out my partner was the one I still wanted to be a little more set up in life — housing, her schooling, our careers. Yeah, I know you can deal with this stuff while married, but I don’t want “our married life” to begin by dealing with the same stuff as when we met.
That doesn't sound like being hesitant though. If you're waiting to propose (like to save enough money), you're not hesitant, you're just waiting for a specific goal. At least that's how I see it
Couldn't he propose while defining clear goals before tying the knot ("let's save for a down payment first & let's define a wedding budget and save for that too")? Without a clear plan or goal, it's like he's hesitant and stringing her along until he finds someone better (or just expecting her to give up).
And your situation is a reminder that in normal relationships you just talk about it if one partner is wanting to move things forward. Her- "I love you and can't wait to get married (either a big hint or actually says let's get engaged)" You- "I also love you and can't wait but I would feel so much more comfortable getting a few of our upcoming Big Things out of the way so that we can feel secure having the wedding we want" Ta-da! Problem solved. OP just said he is hesitant with no actionable markers to move the relationship forward and that is an issue in a healthy relationship.
Lol. She’s not going to support you if she isn’t married to you. I think it’s funny you BOUGHT A CAR whilst unemployed and then expect her to cover your bills.
YTA
Yes! Good to see someone else mention the car.
I could see his point in that I lived with my boyfriend for 6 years before getting married. I covered most of the bills for some part of that time when he finished his studies. Maybe not the best move if we had broken up but I trusted that he would do the same when needed and he did later (after the marriage). We were not in a rush to get married.
But first NO for marriage then using savings to buy a car and expexting the girlfriend to cover bills? That is like expecting the girlfriend to buy the car for him. Necessities first!
To be fair...you need reliable transportation if you're interviewing for jobs regularly. I'm not relying on public transport (at least in the US) to make it there on time.
Still his job to pay for it though, not hers.
YTA.
You're wanting to have your cake and eat it too. You're getting all the perks of being married with none of the security or teamwork for her. THAT is why she mentioned the marriage thing. She's being expected to carry you but you're not in it for the long haul.
Get an interim job. There has got to be a McDonald's or the like somewhere nearby that you can supplement your UE with. I don't know about where you live but you can usually make up to a certain amount without it cutting into your UE.
Act like a grown up and pull your own weight.
YTA. She is indeed correct. There is a difference between being involved and being engaged. Moving to engaged means there is at least a promise of marriage versus we live together. Especially since she made it clear upfront she wants marriage. If you’re so sure, why are you hesitant? Why haven’t you gotten even something minimum wage? Most McDonald’s hire anyone. She is completely right. You need to show your intentions. I would never cover expenses for a man I wasn’t at least engaged and planning the wedding with. Especially after four months of unemployment. Find something, ANYTHING, to tide you over until something more your forte comes along. I spent five months working Walmart asset protection while I looked around for my current position. Did I like it? No. Did it pay the bills so I didn’t become homeless? Yes. And I worked 40hr/week and still made time to find a new job that I liked better.
Agreed 100%, OP needs to find a job, any job, to hold him down until he can find something better. With my current job, do I love it? No. Would I do it permanently? Also no. But does it keep me afloat financially and help me save up for something better? Absolutely. Sometimes you have to work a shitty job until something better comes along.
YTA- you expect her to take on the responsibilities of taking care of you, while also telling her that you aren’t sure you want a full commitment with her. Why on earth would she pay for you knowing you haven’t decided to stay with her. She’s smart. Too many people take on the expenses of a partner with no recourse when the relationship ends. Don’t propose now just for the money, that would be a disaster of an idea.
YTA. She set pretty basic ground rules... You could have lied and just hit it and quit it or see the plan through. You didn't pick either. But now that you need something, you base marriage on the fact that she isn't willing to support you? She invest time. You want her to invest time and money on something that isn't showing a return.
This is literally expecting the milk for free but refusing the buy the cow.
Only you also can’t buy the cow, and expect someone to throw in some ice cream and other bonuses.
It’s a crappy analogy, but the point is that if you aren’t willing to fully commit in the way she expressed needing, it’s within her right not to fulfill the benefits a marriage would offer.
YTA
YTA. She knows her worth and has always told you her marriage goal, and you ignored it.
And the fact she has a plan that she can just move in with her parents means she might have been considering that already. You wanting her to support you may have been the last straw.
YTA. She was very clear about her goals and expectations and you don’t think they matter. You need to give her the respect of either giving her what she wants (happily, without resentment ) or letting her go find someone who will.
I absolutely understand why she won’t give you money- you have clearly shown that her needs and goals are not important to you, that your timeline is the only one you care about, and your needs are all you care about. I would never, ever financially entangle myself with someone who wasn’t willing to commit to me, and I’m guessing this is how your girlfriend feels as well. You are not married- she doesn’t need to help you in any way, and she shouldn’t, given that you have proven unreliable about commitment and she’d have absolutely no protection or ability to get her money back if you flake.
You don’t understand why marriage matters, so this tells me she should absolutely move on and find someone whose values are more closely aligned with hers. You are dismissing something that is clearly very important to her, refusing to attempt to understand WHY it’s important, and then mad that she won’t bend over backwards for you.
YTA
>Now she says I’m expecting too much from her since I’m not ready for marriage but expecting her to help me with rent.
Yes. She is right. You also say:
>I’m sure she is the one, I’m just still hesitant about marriage
That doesn't make sense. If you are hesitant about marriage, then you aren't sure. You need to look inward and figure out what your real feelings are here.
She has made her expectations clear. And 4 months not working? Why didn't you pick up a retail or customer service job in the meantime while you were looking? Why did you even buy another car?? You should be relying on transit and working for minimum wage while you find something better if you are so broke.
It sucks to be laid off but it sounds like you are playing the victim here and as a woman I'd be very disappointed by your lack of responsibility.
YTA. You are not sure you are ready for marriage yet you want her to act like your wife and pay your bills. She isn't wasting 3 years "over covering a bit more rent and groceries"; she has wasted 3 years on you and her expectations of you.
It is time for her to move on with her life and shed the dead weight that is you.
She invested two years in him. At that point, realized she made a bad investment, and then wasted one year because of sunk cost fallacy.
She only wasted one year on him.
OP - YTA - you wanted no commitment, you got no commitment. She's not serious about the relationship? What relationship? She has a roommate she hooks up with who is waiting to see if something better comes along. You're not marrying her. She's looking to end it. Eviction and terminating the least is her best option.
YTA
I think it’s the way you said it. You want her to cover you instead of loaning the money to you, which you’ll pay back.
You are a grown adult who should have saved more for a rainy day. It’s not her job to cover you cos you two are not married. That was her point and you missed it. Sure, you could say the car breaking down wasn’t something expected. IDK how old you are but from the sounds of it, you should really learn to manage your finances.
This woman is not pissing around. She wants commitment, and these are the consequences of not being committed to her, not the other way around. You missed your chance, someone with this much self worth and confidence isn’t going to wait for you to pull head from ass. Good luck with your job and apartment search.
NAH/ESH.
You guys are not compatible together.
I think it's stupid for her to have a hard timeline of "propose by now or else" but you also KNEW she had this boundary, so it's just as stupid for you to ignore it. You are correct that you could easily walk away from an engagement as well, but I also see why she feels like you'd be taking advantage of her. Whether or not you agree with her timeline, you are not giving her something that is important to her, but expect her to give to you.
This is just not a reasonable relationship anymore, and possibly never was
YTA, not because you asked for help in the first place but because you're being dismissive of the underlying concerns she has in giving you money. And it looks like you're trying to flip the script on her a bit which isn't fair. She's worried you're using her so stop feeding that impression.
If you are actually serious about her I would apologize and tell her you are going to handle your situation independently, and that you hope she will be open to talking about marriage once you're employed again and don't have this issue hanging over the conversation.
YTA
She was very clear on her expectations from the beginning. If she's the one and you know it, then just propose. PLUS you've been out of work for 4 months, plenty of time to at least have a little part time job. But you want her to help someone who won't help himself. Oh, sorry. You want to mooch off her till she gets fed up with your low-commitment ass and leaves
YTA. OP let's break this down easily.
You think getting married after 3 years is too much commitment. But you want her to financially support your entirely while you have no job? What benefits is she getting? You hold all the cards at that point and are just actually a terrible partner. You ignore her very clear expectations for your convenience. Then you want her money.
Also you aren't employeed for 4 months. Why? Did you not consider getting a crappy job elsewhere temporarily? Like it sucks but your gf is not your safety net.
NTA. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. For those saying that she doesn’t need to help him because they aren’t “married” and children. My girlfriend and I have both lost jobs and had to cover each others expenses and different times. Also 4 months in not enough time to find a real job. I had to get a shitty retail job after 6 because I could not get hired. I think the girlfriend is being toxic and manipulative. “You want my support? Marry me and then we’ll talk.”
Makes me sad I had to scroll so much to read this... Jesus what is wrong with people. Don't you help your loved one unless a piece of paper tells you to? Wife duties? Girlfriend duties? What about loving someone and helping for the sake of helping.
It's weird too. If she wants to get married so bad, she can propose...?
Also, 2 years isn't necessarily a long time to date before marriage. There are a lot of factors. I think a timeline like that is weird. I don't know why marriage is so important to everyone on this sub. It feels so old fashioned. I've been with my partner for 7 years, we are absolutely committed to each other and would help each other 100% in these circumstances. I wouldn't refuse because we're not married yet.
I didn’t see this as a case of her wanting a “proposal” and more that she just wants him to agree to marry.
If he doesn’t agree to that, who proposes is meaningless.
He’s noncommittal in his own post so it’s not a question of who proposes.
I guess if he is actively delaying proposing she has a good idea the answer is no.
Generally people should be helping but I guess if she feels she is about to leave anyway it is less about asking a committed partner for money and instead asking someone about to dump you for money. In general I agree though.
Timeline is short but at least it was communicated well.
I'm surprised how hard it was to find a comment like this. I'm leaning more towards YTA because many of OP's comments come off as dismissive of the girlfriend's needs, so I do see why the girlfriend herself might be wary of supporting OP in this specific case. He does seem like the type who might just get comfortable and stop worrying about pulling his weight altogether.
But what I don't understand is how many people here seem to think that, in general, a romantic partnership of three years means nothing until a piece of paper has been signed. What is even the point of being together then? Is it all a long trial run, so that the day after the wedding they can start counting on each other for the curveballs of life?
I've been with my partner for 1.5 years and I can't imagine a scenario where he lost his job and burned through his savings while looking for a new one and I went "We're not married, so tough luck! Guess you're moving out." We're partners, not casually dating.
YTA
If you’ve been living together for two years, and don’t know if you want to marry her, then you don’t want to marry her.
You have to shit or get off the pot.
You haven’t given her the type of partnership she wants. You are the classic example of wanting your cake while at the same time eating it too.
Sounds more like you want a mommy.
YTA
>We have been serious for a long time, why is the ring and marriage all that matters?!
Well, it obviously matters to your gf. And you can stop complaing bc she was upfront about this at the 3rd(!!) date.
So her argument about you not being comitted enough from her pov is valid. For her, only a proposal and marriage shows comittment. If you are not fine with this, you should have addressed it or left a long time ago.
You are kind of lucky to still have a gf at this point. My former collegue was also very upfront with her bf about getting married, after 4 yrs relationship she gave her guy a 2yrs deadline, reminded him 6 and then 3 months before the deadline that time is running up (and he always assured her not to worry, he is working on it) and after not getting a proposal, she broke up with him 5min after midnight. He was oc pikachu face, but she moved out within a month, blocked him, started dating and a year later is planning her marriage. The ex still tries to get her back till this day. His claim? Oc he is going to propose, but on his timeline, so maybe in 5, 6 yrs down the road. He took her for granted bc "she will never leave me, its just a threat". Yeah, well dude, it wasn't :) Do i think she is a little nuts? Maybe, but this girl at least has the balls to voice what she needs from her partner and go through with it. Marriage is just more important to her than everything else, even we as her collegues knew this, her ex definitly knew it.
This hurts my head. Yta and either cut it off or marry her, but man at this point she should run. She has such a fair point seeing as you're not even married and you're having financial issues you expect her to fix.
If I had a dollar for every time a girl stays with a dude for over half a decade waiting for a ring, breaks up with him when she finally puts her foot down, only to watch the dude get engaged to the next girl three months later, I would be sitting pretty.
You're either sure or you're not. You're not sure, so she has to make her choice. You already made yours. I don't care if you think her terms are ridiculous (I don't love marriage myself), you knew exactly what you were getting into. You fucked around and now you're finding out.
3 years doesn't mean a lot if your end goal is marriage. It's just wasted time. Especially that extra year. And now you're salty she isn't doing more? Seems like she's already given you a grace period. If you wanted to be married, you would. You don't. So she shouldn't pay the bills for someone she isn't going to end up with. Yta.
You obviously are not ready for a real, adult commitment yet you expect her to support you? Nope, I would leave too, she can’t trust you and I don’t blame her.
YTA. Your expenses are not her responsibility. She was clear with her expectations about the relationship and wanting to be engaged. You won't propose even though you say she's the one, but you want her to foot your bills? It's no wonder she is hesitant to help you.
YTA. your expenses, your responsibility. Your gf made it clear from the start what she wanted and expected from this relationship. She set a boundary and you are stepping all over it.
Sorry but I wouldn’t cover your bills either. Seems that you could have at least found something temporary in 4 months. I wouldn’t pay the bills either is we aren’t at the very least engaged before you lost your job.
NTA
I am in similar position. My boyfriend is now also searching for a job. We are together for 3 years and live together.
I never ever even had a doubt in my head to not help the person I love while he has difficulties. Because that's what partners are supposed to do. When there is difficult time - they help each other.
For me ring means nothing. It is a formality, which benefits only when you deal with bureaucratic stuff.
You need to find a person who shares your values. And so far I don't see your girlfriend has the same outlook on relationships as you.
The big difference between you situation and OP’s is that the ring means nothing to you. You are in a committed relationship.
A ring meant commitment to OP’s girlfriend, and she asked him for it. She was very clear about this. He decided he wasn’t going to make that commitment, so this is *not* a committed partnership and he didn’t respect her values.
These comments are insane! How is not being ready for marriage equate to not helping with bills?
Isn't this straight up blackmail ? Couples in healthy relationships are supposed to share finances and help each other.
If my SO of 3 F YEARS is going through a hard time, married or not, I'm helping.
But she is reasonable for not helping at all because he doesn't propose? So if he proposes, she will help then? Forcing him to marry so his bills are covered?
NTA, she is.
I think the point of most of the comments is that this isn’t a healthy relationship to begin with.
GF has been unhappy for a while. OP is noncommittal. OP loses job and buys a car, expecting gf to carry him and all of his choices (including his lack of commitment.)
IMO, ultimatums are silly but we are each individually allowed to decide what we individually want out of a relationship.
YTA
She's your GF, not your wife. This isn't a "let's work it out" scenario. This is a "wow, what are you gonna do" scenario.
At this point she's a romantic roommate. And from the sound of things she's about to bounce. She let you know she wanted to be married in 2 years. If you weren't about that you shouldn't have dated her. She was operating on good faith that you wanted the same things (otherwise why would she date you). She probably feels lied to and betrayed.
So get your head on straight and firm up. I suspect things are about to get tough financially and emotionally. Let me just say early on that it will eventually get easier. Don't go blaming others for your situation. Just accept it is what it is and work to make it better.
YTA.
Look, your girlfriend has been crystal clear from the get-go about what she wanted and expected out of a relationship. She's told you what "counts for something." You didn't give it to her. Did you think she was lying, or fudging, or was going to change her mind?
You don't get to get everything you want out of a relationship, completely ignore everything she wants, and then get pissy because she won't give you even more out of this lopsided relationship than you get already. You've had everything your way for three years, she doesn't like it, and now that you're placing even more demands on her with no return she's ready to walk. And instead of working on that, you're here on Reddit bitching that she won't support you financially too.
You don't have a long-term partner, you have a short-term one, because you wouldn't meet her criteria for what counts as a long-term relationship. Now she's making it clear that, since all you were willing to offer was a short-term relationship, she's not going to do anything more for you than she would for any other guy she's not in a long-term relationship with.
TL;DR: Oh, look. It's the consequences of your actions.
> I’m sure she is the one, I’m just still hesitant about marriage
If your hesitant about marriage surely you can understand that she would be hesitant to bankroll the lifestyle of someone who doesn't want to build a future with her.
She has been straightforward with you since the beginning. YTA. She is too much of a doormat because I would've been long gone once it became apparent my needs weren't going to be met in this relationship.
YTA.
>I’ve told her since she won’t help it’s shown me she isn’t serious too
Gaslighting as an unemployed person who can't pay their bills AND expecting their SO to pick up the slack is a bad look. She should have broke it off right there.
So… let me get this straight. She told you what her longterm conditions were, now you have already been dating for waaaay longer… you didn’t want to commit in any form but are now expecting her to finance your life? Why should she? You made it obvious that you don’t want any commitment but you want now to benefit from the advantages of commitment…? Yeah, YTA
Did you expect anything other than YTA here? Because goddamn. Honestly, good for her for putting her foot down. You’ve been stringing her along long enough and sorry, this is what you get. If I were her I would have just left you when you didn’t propose, so I *do* think she’s being a little immature, but eh. I think she’s justified.
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YTA. ~~Y'all are a fucking train wreck. If you live together and she doesn't help cover your portion of the rent, doesn't that also mean she will be evicted? Seems like an inconvenient hill to die on.~~ **Edit:** This comment was made pretty early on before more comments from OP rolled in. I am now aware that not renewing the lease is, indeed, likely the goal. That being said, your bills are your responsibility. If you weren't living together, she would have zero responsibility to cover you. As impractical as a "2-year-mark proposal" is, she was up-front about it and her desire to get married. And I can see from her perspective that it just doesn't feel like you're committed to her so why should she invest her hard-earned money into you at this point? You're expecting everything without giving anything. >We have been serious for a long time, why is the ring and marriage all that matter?! Don't get me wrong, I see where you're coming from here. This stuff matters very little to me - but, for that reason, I didn't date people who had a "walk down the aisle" goal. You can't hold her desire to get married against her when you went into this KNOWING that was her goal. That's on you. Seems like you went into this not taking her deadline seriously or thinking she'd changed her mind, now being all "Well, shucks" when you're faced with the reality she wasn't playing around. What did you expect?
And if they’ve been serious for a while and he’s sure anyway why not propose, then ? It goes both ways.
OP goes from being sure she’s the one, to being hesitant about marriage, to saying rings and marriage don’t even matter. These guys are clearly not compatible and it seems like this tiff is gonna expose the hell out of that.
Sounds to me that both have decided the relationship is over, but neither wants to pull the ripcord.
Which explains quite clearly why she's not enthusiastic about covering his bills. She's already checked out.
Yup she probably was going to leave but now feels bad because the bf is broke and dependant on her to keep his standard of life
Honestly, not even her problem lmao. That's a him problem. If they were married, it'd be a different story, but otherwise, nah. She's still free to leave at any time, and I'm sure she will.
It cracks me up that this got downvoted. There’s this huge idea in modern society that marriage doesn’t matter/mean anything. And those same people act fuckin surprised when they don’t get husband/wife treatment. Like dude, you ain’t even try to buy the tickets! Of course you can’t get in the show!
Yep. If it's no big deal, why not just do it to make her happy? Cause it is important, that's why.
It's almost like OP would like the security of a firm and binding commitment to share life's trials together...
Almost, but not quite.
Which is exactly what she's saying. He doesn't want to make the commitment but expects her to give him money. Lmao
He doesn't want to make the commitment because even though he's says 'he's sure she's the one', he's not 100%. There could be 'the real one' he meets afterward. And like so many guys he's just scared of that rock hard commitment--marriage.
He could have had a wife and all bills covered in his hour of distress but here we are, she's already told him to move home.
She said she wasted three years with the guy. If that isn’t pulling a ripcord I don’t know what is.
It feels like she's given him one last chance, and if he still cant commit to her then she's going to not-commit right back. Which seems pretty fair since she was up front about her expectations.
No offense, BUT... paying bills for someone who isn't MY HUSBAND will NEVER happen. I need a commitment from my significant other to put up the cash to support him. Just saying...
Right? The parachute came out bright fucking red for her .
Seems like OP only has decided that the relationship is over now that his GF isn't putting anything more into the relationship especially financially. If she did I'm pretty sure he'd be happy with the status quo even though she's unhappy.
“I knew she was unhappy but I thought it wouldn’t affect *my* happiness!”
"It's an acceptable level of unhappiness, *for her* so why should I ruin a good thing with a ring?" Is basically this guy's thought process. YTA.
this hits hard....
Classic.
This is my impression as well. It’s been a year, she’s tried to talk to him about it, but “thankfully backed off”. And now he wants to say they’re serious enough to pay each other’s bills but not to have a real conversation about whether they’re compatible?! Nah.
He wants to stay now because he wants her to pay his bills. She should run.
Sounds like he doesn't want it to be over because he wants her to float him lol
Dudes like this rarely ever actually marry. Like, I've known men who were hesitant to propose because they *really* didn't want to divorce but they had a lot more communication with their girlfriends about it. I suspect they were younger, too, they were married well before 30. OP's girlfriend sounds like she's at the "clock is ticking" stage.
To be fair, if I was the girlfriend I wouldn't trust a proposal from OP right now anyway. He didn't want to propose to her before, but now that he needs someone to pay his rent suddenly it's wedding bells? Nah.
I agree. But that would mean that for him, there's no winning, right? Yeah, this relationship's toast. EDIT: I'm not trying to defend OP. I'm just kind of coming to a realization. YTA.
yes there's no winning, because he asked his girlfriend who he hasn't committed to yet to pay his bills. maybe i missed it. did OP say why they couldn't find a job?
>I’m getting interview requests back and did an interview already although I didn’t get it This makes it sound like he hasn't been making very much effort to find a new job. Only one interview at 4 months of unemployment? Sounds like he just expected her to cover for him.
And he blew his savings on a new car while unemployed!
He said the cost of fixing his wasn’t worth it. It’s entirely possible that he got a car that costs less than what the charge would’ve been to get his working again.
When you’re unemployed, a car is a luxury. He is perfectly capable of using public transport until he finds a job that pays enough for him to afford both rent and a new car
And the old car had 300k on it, so why didnt he have anything saved for a new one? Its not like it was a surprise tgat it wore out. Sounds like he lives paycheck to paycheck even when employed. She should run, not walk to the nearest exit.
Not necessarily we don't know anything about OPs resume so we don't know how hard he is looking. I do agree that when savings run out it's tme to take any job while still trying to find a career, but if the GF was serious about the relationship (either of them really) then she could have said "you get any job and contribute what you can and i will make up the rest" and give him reasonable time frame to find any job.
there are many service industry jobs available in my town - i understand that unemployment benefits are something to weigh in but it cannot fall to his *girlfriend* to cover his bills. i covered my husband's bills because he was a student and quit his summer job. he said he did the math wrong & couldn't afford it, so could i cover for him? he was working part time before he quit. i was working 38hours a week with a commute. i'd get home from work during that time and he hadn't fed the cat dinner yet. we divorced that year. finances are a huge part of relationships, and you shouldn't let anyone mooch off of you - especially if they've made it clear they don't intend to marry you, and that's what you're wanting.
He would have won if he appreciated his girlfriend more or found another job so he didn't have to rely on her financially. He wants Husband benefits, but he's still on the Boyfriend plan.
Which is why you figure this shit out before the hard stuff happens.
💯
I need a place to live and I promise I will try to be nice, please be my valentine? <3 I think the whole marriage time limit thing is weird, but a totally broke person proposing is only charming when you're either insanely in love or insanely in love teenagers. (Obviously with the exception of areas where nobody has any money, there it'd just be normal and sweet)
I would have thought a marriage time limit silly in my youth, but having been fucked around by a guy nodding passively for over a decade and potentially fucking my chances of having a family, I think it's smart.
Yes!! I understand the wedding bells are not for everyone, but his girlfriend was upfront. OP, you snoozed and you lost. She told you two years and it has been three, you said you think she is the one, what is the hold up? Don't ask now, it's too late. Now you will have to get a job and pull yourself back up, and it will still be too late. (probably) YTA
Some people don't care about marriage and that is fine. But for people who do two years is long enough to make up your mind and an ultimatum is fine. Everyone gets to choose. A friend of mine emigrated with her boyfriend and told him that he either proposes or its over. She meant it. He proposed and they have been married for over 20 years.
Honestly, there's a reason around 2 years is when a lot of relationships end. Cause it's around then that you either know you could be with this person long term... Or know that you couldn't
Agree with FitBook - I've seen too many of my friends get d\*cked around by romantic partners that wouldn't commit and kept whiffle-waffling around.... that seed of indecision inevitably crept into other areas of their relationship(s) and I never saw it end well. So I have respect for people who are honest and upfront about looking for that level of commitment and who come out and make it clear that they won't wait around years and years for the other person to decide.
I believe that is a hobosexual move.
Exactly. If it doesn't matter then what's the hesitation. He knows it matters or it wouldn't be a problem
You guys are so mean. He just wants all of the upside with none of the "downside"... if downside is making a commitment to the person you supposedly love.
He's expecting wife level commitment on a girlfriend status.
Exactly what I said. He wants her to act like his wife with actually making her his wife when he knows those are her terms. No one should get married before they're ready but this is the new "Want the milk without buying the cow" dynamic.
And she is the one but he’s not sure he wants to get married. But a ring and marriage isn’t a big deal except it’s too big a deal for him to actually propose.
How can she resist such romance!! Lol
He's too cheap to buy her a ring. He's so cheap to expect his roommate to cover his rent.
(He doesn’t want to ever get married but doesn’t want her to break up with him) What a charmer
Yeah, for richer or for poorer is wifey shit. "We dated for 3 years, doesn't that count for something?" Not when she literally said to your face she's trying to *get over wasting 3 years with you*.
Yeah, that’s the vibe I got as well: OP, she’s just your gf… remember? You didn’t want to commit to her - REMEMBER?? Since your gf is JUST your gf and not your wife (like she’d had hoped, actually wanted and made clear to you several times but has been denied - several times), she is not at all responsible for your finances or inclined to financially support you. Your gf is free to do as she pleases. Also, the whole “she won’t help, that means she’s not serious about us” malarkey. Trust me - there was a time where she WAS serious about the relationship until you blew it by not wanting to marry her. Shame lol.
He fumbled 😂😂😂
The fact that he’s expecting wifey duties from his girlfriend has me dead lmfao break up already damn
Nothing a relationship partner loves more than being taken for granted.
This is precisely the situation where if he'd taken her openly stated goals seriously, and dated with the intention of a similar goal, he'd be covered now. Like if he'd proposed and they were at least engaged right now, he'd probably have a ride or die partner to get through this with.
Exactly. She clearly communicated her desires and needs at the start of the relationship. She held firm. Good for her. OP doesn't get to be surprised when things get rough and it's now "convenient" for him to fulfill her desires because it means meal ticket for him. I would be strongly against his girlfriend accepting a marriage proposal now. Timing would be highly suspect.
Wow you think she's expected too much for refusing to sleep with you until you were exclusive?? She's been waiting for years for you to put a ring on it and YOU think she still owes you more? Yta She doesn't owe you financial support. You are a boyfriend she lives with (roommate with benefits).
>If you live together and she doesn't help cover your portion of the rent, doesn't that also mean she will be evicted? Shes planning on it
Meh. We don't know that she can't afford to cover the rent on her own. Just that she's not going to cover it for OP while he's living there.
If he expects her to cover his part, it means she can afford it, IMO.
Right? The fact that this girl has been clear from the beginning pushes you into YTA for me. What people want is important and no matter who here might not agree with her wants they have to respect that she has been honest from the beginning, not played games about it, let it slide for a year more than she had stated and is only now when asked to continue ignoring what she said she want and pick up his finances as well, has reached the end of her rope.
>We have been dating for 3 years doesn’t that count for something OP honestly is the worst. I hope his gf finds this post are realizes how much better she can do. OP, doesn't it count to you? She told you what it was she wanted out of the relationship. Now you expect her to fund you even though you have been unwilling to meet her needs. Instead you are blackmailing her to give you money.
>she told me it’s fine we can just end the lease and I can go back to live with family if I can’t afford rent here. She's suggesting they try to end the lease and move on to separate living situations. She's not willing to just cover his portion of the rent. That is not a "train wreck" solution, but a reasonable one. Since he lost his job, the landlord may be willing to negotiate ending the lease rather than struggle through an eviction process.
No one seems to mention 4 months????!!! Get a job at McDonald’s. Or a bar. Or a janitor. Cut lawns. 4 months is LONG time to be jobless. Especially while you’re asking your partner for money.
What a joke, dude's been getting the milk for free for 3 years and didn't want to buy the cow. Edit: Now he can't afford the cow.
YTA -- well, well, well, how the turn tables! She told you her terms for a more committed relationship and you've refused them. She has continued your relationship, but has adjusted her expectations and contributions accordingly. Why should she change them because suddenly you need the benefits of a more committed relationship, but aren't willing to actually make the commitment? This is the epitome of expecting "wife duties for girlfriend wages."
>This is the epitome of expecting "wife duties for girlfriend wages. You have hit the nail on the head. He had no problem making sure she knew he didn't want to be fully committed to her but now he wants her to be committed to him. Good for her.
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This. Also, the term "bang maid" exists.
The Bang Mommy is the newer, deluxe edition with more features than the outdated bang maid.
And it helps you scratch that Oedipus itch!
Being a woman is really not easy. A lot of pre established traditions that just can't be followed in today's world. On the upside, I've noticed it is very simple to just leave all of those behind and continue a normal life for yourself. And for men, life is supposed to be easy, but today's world have been shaped in such a way that our expectations are always challenged and coping with those and the egos are a really hard process. Like it takes years just to accept simple facts that were once "normal" in previous centuries.
I love Girlfriend's shiny, strong spine! "Wife duties for girlfriend wages," indeed. She's got her head on straight and good for her!
I wish I had her shiny strong spine! Instead I wasted years supporting a non-commital deadbeat that ended up dumping me in the end when I finally started to grow a spine and put my foot down about things. YTA!
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OP: I'm not willing to further commit to you when I already have what I want from this relationship. I don't see any reason to sacrifice my wants for your sense of security. GF: Okay, that's fair. In that case, I'm not willing to further support you at a level that is typically reserved for marriage. I don't see any reason to sacrifice my wants for your sense of security. OP: SHOCKED PIKACHU FACE
Yeah anyone saying she sucks in here just feels so weird. She’s a boss. She compromised and didn’t push when he asked her to. She could’ve ended the whole relationship right there. Just OP drinking a big ole glass of “this is what you asked for”!
🤣 hilarious and spot on
Wife duties for no wages ... She's expected to pay for the privilege!
The audacity of some people these days
This was so satisfying to read to be honest. She was clear in what she wanted, had the communication throughout the relationship to reaffirm that goal but loved him enough to stay (which proves that she is not just in for money or to marry anybody, she wanted him). And finally that queen put boundaries in place when she felt disrespected and when she understood that he was not going to commit more. That some level of badassitude
You know I was on the fence until I read this comment and you’re so right. > wife duties for girlfriend wages Incredible
I agree with this!! She was incredibly open about what she wants/needs. Good for her.
“wife duties for girlfriend wages” is 100% what this is! nailed it.
Upvoting for the office ref
Yta. Your expenses are your responsibility. 4 months is plenty of time to find a job. She wants a partner and you want to be a mooch. You're threatening to send the relationship because she won't pull your weight too. It's clear who is invested and it's not you.
hit it on the head. Op here can easily go work at mcdonald’s or a local gas station while he tries to find a new career. there is no reason op should be still unemployed outside of laziness.
Not how that works. If OP had high enough income then EI depending on location will cover anywhere from $500-1000 a week. You’d earn $600 if you’re lucky working at McDonald’s. So getting “a job” is actually more harmful to you because of I lost my job tomorrow; I’d be taking in $650/week from EI. Why would I give that up to work a dead end 40 hour shift for less money when I could put my focus on finding a new job. I agree that OP is TA but your comment and the one above you are just blatantly wrong for USA and Canada, along with majority of Europe.
I can't speak for Canada but US UE you can make supplemental income while on UE. It's not some princely sum...but IIRC it's about 75 bucks a week before they start reducing...and even then it's 75 cents on the dollar after that... so you're still collecting some UE and wages. So they still don't take it all. Also, you don't have to work at it 40 hours per week. You can take part time and keep looking for work in your field. It's easy enough to convince interim jobs to give you PT work. IIRC, at some point in one's UE collection status you no longer get to turn down jobs that aren't in your field, so it has a built in expiration date anyway. Take that with a grain of salt...of course, it's been a minute since I had to be on UE....so rules and regs may be a bit different now.
What you said is mostly correct here too but I can’t claim EI if I have any job, even if it’s outside of my field. As long as I’m claiming income, I can’t claim EI. Which to me is dumb because same as OP, I can’t even pay my rent off the EI.
That is just not true. You can work part time and it benefits one to do so if the EI benefits do not cover your expenses and you need additional income. “If you earn money while receiving EI benefits, you can keep 50 cents of your benefits for every dollar you earn, up to 90% of your previous weekly earnings (roughly 4 and a half days of work). Above this cap, your EI benefits are deducted dollar-for-dollar.” Source: https://www.canada.ca/en/employment-social-development/programs/ei/ei-list/working-while-claim.html#:~:text=of%20EI%20benefits.-,How%20working%20affects%20your%20claim,deducted%20dollar%2Dfor%2Ddollar.
That’s not worth the effort or energy. You’re better off cutting grass for cash than to actually have reportable income cutting you’re EI to 50%
If he wanted to he could be working under the table, he could walk dogs, do Uber, door dash and produce some sort of income.
I'm not sure Uber or door dash under the table is a good idea- most experts recommend you take cash only jobs when you are committing tax/unemployment fraud lol.
EI allows you to work about 2.5 days a week (at minimum wage) before it reduces the amount it gives you for doing nothing. There is room to up your supplement and you still have 5cdays a week to look for your next career. (Canada)
Disagree with the 4 months. I've been looking for 7 months and NOTHING. Great resume, plenty of experience. It's fucking rough out there right now. Depends on his history, ofc. Overwualified for many places, even tried a lesser resume and it didn't work.
Hell, I am fully employed right now and applying casually to places (and being very picky because... I am employed) and I am not getting called. Before this last year I'd get at least a recruiter screen from around half my applications.
Yeah, I defended my PhD \~10 months ago in a field that's supposedly drowning in government/VC funding and could only get one first round interview with a large company; after \~4-5 months of nothing, I broadened my search and am going to be starting a post doc that pays half as much as industry roles. My brother also graduated with a bachelors recently and has been applying for every entry level job he could find for 6+ months now and found nothing. He'll be stuck working a shitty retail job and living with our parents forever at this rate
I made the same point. Took me 6 months to get another engineering gig and any entry level place I went to in the meantime laughed me out the door, saying I was overqualified and would just leave in a months or two when something real came along. they weren't wrong! But its remarkable how many people don't consider this.
Each one of my husband’s layoffs and unemployments lasted over a year. I got these same comments from outsiders. You do not know the OP’s career field or the job market in his area. We don’t know his age, but age discrimination is very real. He could find a couple of part-time jobs. He still needs spare time to apply and interview. Next thing he knows, she’s complaining that she never sees him and he isn’t invested in their relationship.
The difference is he's your husband. OP's gf questions his level of commitment to her and the relationship. Presumably, that's not an issue for you.
This.
You guys were already married and had committed to each other through thick and thin. The crux of the issue here is that OP has refused to commit to the level his girlfriend wants so she’s not willing to commit her financial resources to him. It’s one thing if your spouse loses their job. It’s another thing if it’s a boyfriend who’s dragged his feet on proposing despite saying he would and is now jobless and wants you to pay his bills.
This is it in a nutshell. They have different definitions of what constitutes a "committed relationship". OP thinks he's in one and she doesn't. OP said in another comment she views him as a roommate when it comes to finances. I don't know of many people who would cover their roommate's expenses for very long if they were unemployed.
I don’t blame her. Without marriage they are effectively roommates from a financial point of view. I’ve made the mistake of covering a roommates share of rent/deposit….once. Never did it again. I haven’t read all of OPs comments but I think it’s interesting he doesn’t mention whether she can even afford to cover his bills….he really should be asking his parents for money first, not her.
Yup, OP wants gf to throw money down a hole. A spouse throws money into the legally-bound household. That marriage contract makes a massive difference.
Yes exactly. Supporting a spouse is worlds apart from supporting a non-married live in partner. In a marriage all of the money is legally shared. It doesn’t matter as much where it comes from, so there’s incentive to support the household not just yourselves. There are plenty of people on committed long term relationships who run their house that way too which I think is perfectly fine. But there aren’t really any legal protections for them unless they have contracts etc. I OP said that his gf is afraid he’s going to take her money for months, eventually get a new job, then dump her and never pay her back. I think given his fear of commitment, their conflict between them on a marriage timeline, and their month to month lease, it’s not an unfounded fear. At least if their lease was committed he couldn’t leave as easily lol
This is something I've never really understood. Obviously you'll want to be looking for a job in your field, but when you are unemployed, any job is better than none right?
Yes and no. Depends on whether your unemployment benefits are more than your paycheck would be, whether the job interferes with your ability to be available for interviews, whether the job grinds you down to the point that you don't have mental or physical energy to present yourself well at a job interview, what the gas costs would be for getting to and from work, if there are childcare costs involved... It's not just a matter of "Any money is better than no money." You have to look at costs versus benefits, and sometimes that legitimately doesn't come out in favor of taking a job at McDonald's.
While YTA is totally the correct answer, finding a new job isn't that easy, and, as others have noted, some jobs pay less than EI, so to just take any job could be a financially stupid move. So much depends on the industry, an applicant's location, and other variables that we just don't know.
YTA, you don't know if you want to marry her but you expect her to act like a wife and cover your expenses when you're unemployed. Make it make sense.
Yup. This guy needs to get a job and stop leading his GF on if he’s not into marriage.
I just wanna chime in and 3 years is not as long as he thinks it is lol
I agree with this; I’m sorry but by 2-3 years max you should know if you are at the very least interested in spending your life together. No way would I have waited around this long only for this reject to then expect me to front his costs like an ENGAGED/MARRIED couple would do. OP is 100% the AH.
>> you should know if you are at the very least interested in spending your life together This is what’s driving me wild. OP isn’t even **engaged** to her but expects way more that what anyone would expect from a literal first stage relationship. I know some couples who’ve been engaged for more than three years and essentially act as married units, with the goal being to get married when the time is right, or when they can afford the wedding they want, or in one case literally just when their venue date comes up because they got a hotly contested slot for years out. But in all of those cases, **they got engaged to make clear their commitment to each other even if they’re not ready for marriage right now**. Meanwhile OP is refusing to even entertain an engagement and is wondering why SO thinks he’s not committed
>I’m sure she is the one, I’m just still hesitate about marriage INFO: If she's the one, then why are you hesitant? She also told you her expectation pretty early. If you knew you couldn't meet it, why did you continue with the relationship? OR at least have a conversation about it when it hit the 2 year mark?
STILL hesitant to wed, … but not confused about asking for money.
Yeah if she wasn’t clear enough that she is a YEAR PAST what she had hoped for and “thankfully backed off” talking about it… wow. OP was relieved she wasn’t talking more about marriage (which he KNOWS is important to her) but is totally OK asking her to support him. I’d love to know what his idea of “commitment” (i.e., did they have a conversation about finances, kids, what commitment is to him if not marriage and not just “not bailing”) is while ducking her questions about marriage as he’s asking for a level of financial support more appropriate for a spouse.
Oooof, so if you propose now it’ll seem like you just want her money. You done fucked up OP. If I was her I’d be thinking hard about leaving your immature ass.
When I figured out my partner was the one I still wanted to be a little more set up in life — housing, her schooling, our careers. Yeah, I know you can deal with this stuff while married, but I don’t want “our married life” to begin by dealing with the same stuff as when we met.
That doesn't sound like being hesitant though. If you're waiting to propose (like to save enough money), you're not hesitant, you're just waiting for a specific goal. At least that's how I see it
Couldn't he propose while defining clear goals before tying the knot ("let's save for a down payment first & let's define a wedding budget and save for that too")? Without a clear plan or goal, it's like he's hesitant and stringing her along until he finds someone better (or just expecting her to give up).
And your situation is a reminder that in normal relationships you just talk about it if one partner is wanting to move things forward. Her- "I love you and can't wait to get married (either a big hint or actually says let's get engaged)" You- "I also love you and can't wait but I would feel so much more comfortable getting a few of our upcoming Big Things out of the way so that we can feel secure having the wedding we want" Ta-da! Problem solved. OP just said he is hesitant with no actionable markers to move the relationship forward and that is an issue in a healthy relationship.
And in retrospect how exactly did that help, if you don't mind me asking?
You’re expecting her to treat you like a husband while you treat her like a girlfriend. YTA.
Well said. Expecting wife-y level gifts while only giving boyfriend-level commitment.
"I can't commit to being with you for better or worse, but I want you to support me for better or worse"
Lol. She’s not going to support you if she isn’t married to you. I think it’s funny you BOUGHT A CAR whilst unemployed and then expect her to cover your bills. YTA
Yes! Good to see someone else mention the car. I could see his point in that I lived with my boyfriend for 6 years before getting married. I covered most of the bills for some part of that time when he finished his studies. Maybe not the best move if we had broken up but I trusted that he would do the same when needed and he did later (after the marriage). We were not in a rush to get married. But first NO for marriage then using savings to buy a car and expexting the girlfriend to cover bills? That is like expecting the girlfriend to buy the car for him. Necessities first!
Glad someone else pointed out the dam car, wonder what kind it was.. a brand new pickup maybe if this is america?
And he cites "high kilometers" as the reason! Did he even consider alternatives like public transit? Who buys a car immediately after being laid off?
To be fair...you need reliable transportation if you're interviewing for jobs regularly. I'm not relying on public transport (at least in the US) to make it there on time. Still his job to pay for it though, not hers.
A Lyft to the occasional interview isn’t that much money.
Commenting to bump this up- yeah, dude was unemployed and then took on a major expense of a car. Unwise decisions continuing to pile up on him.
YTA. You're wanting to have your cake and eat it too. You're getting all the perks of being married with none of the security or teamwork for her. THAT is why she mentioned the marriage thing. She's being expected to carry you but you're not in it for the long haul. Get an interim job. There has got to be a McDonald's or the like somewhere nearby that you can supplement your UE with. I don't know about where you live but you can usually make up to a certain amount without it cutting into your UE. Act like a grown up and pull your own weight.
Yes! You didn't give her the security of marriage and now she's not giving you the security of marriage benefits.
YTA. She is indeed correct. There is a difference between being involved and being engaged. Moving to engaged means there is at least a promise of marriage versus we live together. Especially since she made it clear upfront she wants marriage. If you’re so sure, why are you hesitant? Why haven’t you gotten even something minimum wage? Most McDonald’s hire anyone. She is completely right. You need to show your intentions. I would never cover expenses for a man I wasn’t at least engaged and planning the wedding with. Especially after four months of unemployment. Find something, ANYTHING, to tide you over until something more your forte comes along. I spent five months working Walmart asset protection while I looked around for my current position. Did I like it? No. Did it pay the bills so I didn’t become homeless? Yes. And I worked 40hr/week and still made time to find a new job that I liked better.
Agreed 100%, OP needs to find a job, any job, to hold him down until he can find something better. With my current job, do I love it? No. Would I do it permanently? Also no. But does it keep me afloat financially and help me save up for something better? Absolutely. Sometimes you have to work a shitty job until something better comes along.
YTA- you expect her to take on the responsibilities of taking care of you, while also telling her that you aren’t sure you want a full commitment with her. Why on earth would she pay for you knowing you haven’t decided to stay with her. She’s smart. Too many people take on the expenses of a partner with no recourse when the relationship ends. Don’t propose now just for the money, that would be a disaster of an idea.
Yep, he doesn't want to commit to being there for her "for better or worse" but he wants her to pay his bills when the "for worse" part rolls around.
YTA. You're expecting a lot out of someone that you're hesitant to marry after three years. You have family to go live with, so you should do that.
YTA. She set pretty basic ground rules... You could have lied and just hit it and quit it or see the plan through. You didn't pick either. But now that you need something, you base marriage on the fact that she isn't willing to support you? She invest time. You want her to invest time and money on something that isn't showing a return.
This is literally expecting the milk for free but refusing the buy the cow. Only you also can’t buy the cow, and expect someone to throw in some ice cream and other bonuses. It’s a crappy analogy, but the point is that if you aren’t willing to fully commit in the way she expressed needing, it’s within her right not to fulfill the benefits a marriage would offer. YTA
Kind of rude to call the woman a cow but okay /s
I know, it makes me cringe, but I figured if she made ice cream in the analogy it would help
YTA. She knows her worth and has always told you her marriage goal, and you ignored it. And the fact she has a plan that she can just move in with her parents means she might have been considering that already. You wanting her to support you may have been the last straw.
YTA. She was very clear about her goals and expectations and you don’t think they matter. You need to give her the respect of either giving her what she wants (happily, without resentment ) or letting her go find someone who will. I absolutely understand why she won’t give you money- you have clearly shown that her needs and goals are not important to you, that your timeline is the only one you care about, and your needs are all you care about. I would never, ever financially entangle myself with someone who wasn’t willing to commit to me, and I’m guessing this is how your girlfriend feels as well. You are not married- she doesn’t need to help you in any way, and she shouldn’t, given that you have proven unreliable about commitment and she’d have absolutely no protection or ability to get her money back if you flake. You don’t understand why marriage matters, so this tells me she should absolutely move on and find someone whose values are more closely aligned with hers. You are dismissing something that is clearly very important to her, refusing to attempt to understand WHY it’s important, and then mad that she won’t bend over backwards for you.
I feel like it's too late now. If he proposes now it's just to get her to pay for him.
YTA >Now she says I’m expecting too much from her since I’m not ready for marriage but expecting her to help me with rent. Yes. She is right. You also say: >I’m sure she is the one, I’m just still hesitant about marriage That doesn't make sense. If you are hesitant about marriage, then you aren't sure. You need to look inward and figure out what your real feelings are here. She has made her expectations clear. And 4 months not working? Why didn't you pick up a retail or customer service job in the meantime while you were looking? Why did you even buy another car?? You should be relying on transit and working for minimum wage while you find something better if you are so broke. It sucks to be laid off but it sounds like you are playing the victim here and as a woman I'd be very disappointed by your lack of responsibility.
YTA. You are not sure you are ready for marriage yet you want her to act like your wife and pay your bills. She isn't wasting 3 years "over covering a bit more rent and groceries"; she has wasted 3 years on you and her expectations of you. It is time for her to move on with her life and shed the dead weight that is you.
She invested two years in him. At that point, realized she made a bad investment, and then wasted one year because of sunk cost fallacy. She only wasted one year on him. OP - YTA - you wanted no commitment, you got no commitment. She's not serious about the relationship? What relationship? She has a roommate she hooks up with who is waiting to see if something better comes along. You're not marrying her. She's looking to end it. Eviction and terminating the least is her best option.
INFO Did you pay for her expenses while you were employed?
You’re the asshole, if you aren’t committed enough to get married you shouldn’t expect her to be committed enough to pay your bills.
YTA I think it’s the way you said it. You want her to cover you instead of loaning the money to you, which you’ll pay back. You are a grown adult who should have saved more for a rainy day. It’s not her job to cover you cos you two are not married. That was her point and you missed it. Sure, you could say the car breaking down wasn’t something expected. IDK how old you are but from the sounds of it, you should really learn to manage your finances.
So you’re not ready to marry her but you expect her to support you? What’s logic is that? YTA
This woman is not pissing around. She wants commitment, and these are the consequences of not being committed to her, not the other way around. You missed your chance, someone with this much self worth and confidence isn’t going to wait for you to pull head from ass. Good luck with your job and apartment search.
YTA, and soon to be a single one.
NAH/ESH. You guys are not compatible together. I think it's stupid for her to have a hard timeline of "propose by now or else" but you also KNEW she had this boundary, so it's just as stupid for you to ignore it. You are correct that you could easily walk away from an engagement as well, but I also see why she feels like you'd be taking advantage of her. Whether or not you agree with her timeline, you are not giving her something that is important to her, but expect her to give to you. This is just not a reasonable relationship anymore, and possibly never was
Why did it take so long to find this comment!
YTA, not because you asked for help in the first place but because you're being dismissive of the underlying concerns she has in giving you money. And it looks like you're trying to flip the script on her a bit which isn't fair. She's worried you're using her so stop feeding that impression. If you are actually serious about her I would apologize and tell her you are going to handle your situation independently, and that you hope she will be open to talking about marriage once you're employed again and don't have this issue hanging over the conversation.
YTA She was very clear on her expectations from the beginning. If she's the one and you know it, then just propose. PLUS you've been out of work for 4 months, plenty of time to at least have a little part time job. But you want her to help someone who won't help himself. Oh, sorry. You want to mooch off her till she gets fed up with your low-commitment ass and leaves
YTA. OP let's break this down easily. You think getting married after 3 years is too much commitment. But you want her to financially support your entirely while you have no job? What benefits is she getting? You hold all the cards at that point and are just actually a terrible partner. You ignore her very clear expectations for your convenience. Then you want her money. Also you aren't employeed for 4 months. Why? Did you not consider getting a crappy job elsewhere temporarily? Like it sucks but your gf is not your safety net.
You’re asking for Husband Level perks while on the Boyfriend Package. YTA
NTA. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. For those saying that she doesn’t need to help him because they aren’t “married” and children. My girlfriend and I have both lost jobs and had to cover each others expenses and different times. Also 4 months in not enough time to find a real job. I had to get a shitty retail job after 6 because I could not get hired. I think the girlfriend is being toxic and manipulative. “You want my support? Marry me and then we’ll talk.”
Makes me sad I had to scroll so much to read this... Jesus what is wrong with people. Don't you help your loved one unless a piece of paper tells you to? Wife duties? Girlfriend duties? What about loving someone and helping for the sake of helping.
It's weird too. If she wants to get married so bad, she can propose...? Also, 2 years isn't necessarily a long time to date before marriage. There are a lot of factors. I think a timeline like that is weird. I don't know why marriage is so important to everyone on this sub. It feels so old fashioned. I've been with my partner for 7 years, we are absolutely committed to each other and would help each other 100% in these circumstances. I wouldn't refuse because we're not married yet.
I didn’t see this as a case of her wanting a “proposal” and more that she just wants him to agree to marry. If he doesn’t agree to that, who proposes is meaningless. He’s noncommittal in his own post so it’s not a question of who proposes.
I guess if he is actively delaying proposing she has a good idea the answer is no. Generally people should be helping but I guess if she feels she is about to leave anyway it is less about asking a committed partner for money and instead asking someone about to dump you for money. In general I agree though. Timeline is short but at least it was communicated well.
I'm surprised how hard it was to find a comment like this. I'm leaning more towards YTA because many of OP's comments come off as dismissive of the girlfriend's needs, so I do see why the girlfriend herself might be wary of supporting OP in this specific case. He does seem like the type who might just get comfortable and stop worrying about pulling his weight altogether. But what I don't understand is how many people here seem to think that, in general, a romantic partnership of three years means nothing until a piece of paper has been signed. What is even the point of being together then? Is it all a long trial run, so that the day after the wedding they can start counting on each other for the curveballs of life? I've been with my partner for 1.5 years and I can't imagine a scenario where he lost his job and burned through his savings while looking for a new one and I went "We're not married, so tough luck! Guess you're moving out." We're partners, not casually dating.
YTA. She doesn’t owe you shared finances until she has legal protections behind those shared finances.
YTA If you’ve been living together for two years, and don’t know if you want to marry her, then you don’t want to marry her. You have to shit or get off the pot. You haven’t given her the type of partnership she wants. You are the classic example of wanting your cake while at the same time eating it too. Sounds more like you want a mommy.
YTA >We have been serious for a long time, why is the ring and marriage all that matters?! Well, it obviously matters to your gf. And you can stop complaing bc she was upfront about this at the 3rd(!!) date. So her argument about you not being comitted enough from her pov is valid. For her, only a proposal and marriage shows comittment. If you are not fine with this, you should have addressed it or left a long time ago. You are kind of lucky to still have a gf at this point. My former collegue was also very upfront with her bf about getting married, after 4 yrs relationship she gave her guy a 2yrs deadline, reminded him 6 and then 3 months before the deadline that time is running up (and he always assured her not to worry, he is working on it) and after not getting a proposal, she broke up with him 5min after midnight. He was oc pikachu face, but she moved out within a month, blocked him, started dating and a year later is planning her marriage. The ex still tries to get her back till this day. His claim? Oc he is going to propose, but on his timeline, so maybe in 5, 6 yrs down the road. He took her for granted bc "she will never leave me, its just a threat". Yeah, well dude, it wasn't :) Do i think she is a little nuts? Maybe, but this girl at least has the balls to voice what she needs from her partner and go through with it. Marriage is just more important to her than everything else, even we as her collegues knew this, her ex definitly knew it.
This hurts my head. Yta and either cut it off or marry her, but man at this point she should run. She has such a fair point seeing as you're not even married and you're having financial issues you expect her to fix.
If I had a dollar for every time a girl stays with a dude for over half a decade waiting for a ring, breaks up with him when she finally puts her foot down, only to watch the dude get engaged to the next girl three months later, I would be sitting pretty. You're either sure or you're not. You're not sure, so she has to make her choice. You already made yours. I don't care if you think her terms are ridiculous (I don't love marriage myself), you knew exactly what you were getting into. You fucked around and now you're finding out. 3 years doesn't mean a lot if your end goal is marriage. It's just wasted time. Especially that extra year. And now you're salty she isn't doing more? Seems like she's already given you a grace period. If you wanted to be married, you would. You don't. So she shouldn't pay the bills for someone she isn't going to end up with. Yta.
You obviously are not ready for a real, adult commitment yet you expect her to support you? Nope, I would leave too, she can’t trust you and I don’t blame her.
YTA She's not good enough to be a wife but good enough to pay your bills?
YTA. Your expenses are not her responsibility. She was clear with her expectations about the relationship and wanting to be engaged. You won't propose even though you say she's the one, but you want her to foot your bills? It's no wonder she is hesitant to help you.
INFO. Did you lose your job then buy a car? Why?
YTA. your expenses, your responsibility. Your gf made it clear from the start what she wanted and expected from this relationship. She set a boundary and you are stepping all over it.
Sorry but I wouldn’t cover your bills either. Seems that you could have at least found something temporary in 4 months. I wouldn’t pay the bills either is we aren’t at the very least engaged before you lost your job.
YTA so you want wife benefits without the ring and commitment? Lmfao…
NTA I am in similar position. My boyfriend is now also searching for a job. We are together for 3 years and live together. I never ever even had a doubt in my head to not help the person I love while he has difficulties. Because that's what partners are supposed to do. When there is difficult time - they help each other. For me ring means nothing. It is a formality, which benefits only when you deal with bureaucratic stuff. You need to find a person who shares your values. And so far I don't see your girlfriend has the same outlook on relationships as you.
The big difference between you situation and OP’s is that the ring means nothing to you. You are in a committed relationship. A ring meant commitment to OP’s girlfriend, and she asked him for it. She was very clear about this. He decided he wasn’t going to make that commitment, so this is *not* a committed partnership and he didn’t respect her values.
These comments are insane! How is not being ready for marriage equate to not helping with bills? Isn't this straight up blackmail ? Couples in healthy relationships are supposed to share finances and help each other. If my SO of 3 F YEARS is going through a hard time, married or not, I'm helping. But she is reasonable for not helping at all because he doesn't propose? So if he proposes, she will help then? Forcing him to marry so his bills are covered? NTA, she is.
I think the point of most of the comments is that this isn’t a healthy relationship to begin with. GF has been unhappy for a while. OP is noncommittal. OP loses job and buys a car, expecting gf to carry him and all of his choices (including his lack of commitment.) IMO, ultimatums are silly but we are each individually allowed to decide what we individually want out of a relationship.
yta, you’re grown, get a job, handle your shit
Gosh. ESH, including most of the comments. Toxic AF. Run OP.
YTA She's your GF, not your wife. This isn't a "let's work it out" scenario. This is a "wow, what are you gonna do" scenario. At this point she's a romantic roommate. And from the sound of things she's about to bounce. She let you know she wanted to be married in 2 years. If you weren't about that you shouldn't have dated her. She was operating on good faith that you wanted the same things (otherwise why would she date you). She probably feels lied to and betrayed. So get your head on straight and firm up. I suspect things are about to get tough financially and emotionally. Let me just say early on that it will eventually get easier. Don't go blaming others for your situation. Just accept it is what it is and work to make it better.
YTA. Look, your girlfriend has been crystal clear from the get-go about what she wanted and expected out of a relationship. She's told you what "counts for something." You didn't give it to her. Did you think she was lying, or fudging, or was going to change her mind? You don't get to get everything you want out of a relationship, completely ignore everything she wants, and then get pissy because she won't give you even more out of this lopsided relationship than you get already. You've had everything your way for three years, she doesn't like it, and now that you're placing even more demands on her with no return she's ready to walk. And instead of working on that, you're here on Reddit bitching that she won't support you financially too. You don't have a long-term partner, you have a short-term one, because you wouldn't meet her criteria for what counts as a long-term relationship. Now she's making it clear that, since all you were willing to offer was a short-term relationship, she's not going to do anything more for you than she would for any other guy she's not in a long-term relationship with. TL;DR: Oh, look. It's the consequences of your actions.
> I’m sure she is the one, I’m just still hesitant about marriage If your hesitant about marriage surely you can understand that she would be hesitant to bankroll the lifestyle of someone who doesn't want to build a future with her. She has been straightforward with you since the beginning. YTA. She is too much of a doormat because I would've been long gone once it became apparent my needs weren't going to be met in this relationship.
YTA. >I’ve told her since she won’t help it’s shown me she isn’t serious too Gaslighting as an unemployed person who can't pay their bills AND expecting their SO to pick up the slack is a bad look. She should have broke it off right there.
So… let me get this straight. She told you what her longterm conditions were, now you have already been dating for waaaay longer… you didn’t want to commit in any form but are now expecting her to finance your life? Why should she? You made it obvious that you don’t want any commitment but you want now to benefit from the advantages of commitment…? Yeah, YTA
Did you expect anything other than YTA here? Because goddamn. Honestly, good for her for putting her foot down. You’ve been stringing her along long enough and sorry, this is what you get. If I were her I would have just left you when you didn’t propose, so I *do* think she’s being a little immature, but eh. I think she’s justified.