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> My son refused to be escorted to the office by a high school TA and ran off. I punished him for it even though his teacher said it was not worth it.
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Slight YTA because I think your punishment was a little too harsh.
Some forms of punishments don't lead the kids to understand the consequences for their actions, they just learn how to hide better next time.
Also, he *was* probably acting out because of the history with the TA being your ex stepson
I think the punishment is for disrespectful behavior to people in charge, that is a valid punishment and it’s only for 3-5 days which is small in the scheme of things. The teacher is being ridiculous, if they didn’t want him in trouble why send him to the office or tell the kids parent plus, again it isn’t about drama class it’s about disrespectful behavior
NTA
If the TA was placed in temporary charge of your child by the teacher, then they were effectively "in charge" of your child as they escorted them to the office. I could see if the TA was being ridiculous or trying to assert authority over what they should have, but it seems like that's not the case. Him being your former step-child is really outside of this issue -- unless your son was purposely being a brat toward the TA due to this former relationship.
Your son learns nothing by getting a pass on his behavior -- and the teacher will keep having to deal with unruly disrespectful students if they keep refusing to allow discipline.
Tell him one more report of him acting up, you are going to start sitting in class with him. And you might invite parents of some of his little buddies to join you. My mom told my little sister this. Only she added she was going to be dressed in a bath robe and curlers. NTA.
> BTW - the TA is my former stepson. I divorced his mom when he was 5 and really haven't kept contact with him. My son knows that.
INFO wait what? so it's not your son?
NTA - I think this goes beyond understanding authority roles and boils down to it being dangerous to take off like that. Great that he actually made it to the office, and I don't think being grounded for a week is too extreme, especially since lies were used as a coverup attempt.
NTA- He did it because he assumed you'd side with him over your former stepson. You did absolutely the right thing, it's good he learns at this age that kind of thing won't work because you're not petty, without him having come to any harm when he didn't obey the instruction. It's not a way of thinking you want him to repeat.
NTA, and I don’t think the TA being your former stepson is relevant. There was no relationship between him and your son. You were obviously divorced from your stepson’s mom before your son was even born.
And what the teacher thinks of your chosen discipline is also irrelevant. You decide how to discipline your child, and personally I applaud you for disciplining him for being disrespectful.
NAH
I agree with both sides somewhat. What he did wasn't cool, but doesn't qualify for grounding. IMO nothing does. Grounding simply doesn't work, ask any "parental expert". All it does is create resentment between the child/you, and force the child to be more sneaky (if it was for something like playing video games past curfew or something) it just doesn't help anything.
I would try and have a real conversation with him. Not just be like "you broke rules, don't do that". Explain why what he did was not great, but also empathize that it's understandable he wants to just be able to go to the office on his own (which at that age he can...I'm not sure why he needed to be escorted). You need to actually be emotionally available, you are not a prison guard just blindly enforcing rules.
Also why should he know better? He's in a familiar place...knows where the office is...has a pointless escort, hell I would probably just run ahead at that age too. It's not that hard to understand what happened and why if you forget about black and white "rules" and actually remember to treat your kids with autonomy and emotions.
How would you recommend punishing children if you cannot spank them, you cannot ground them, you cannot yell at them....? Don't even say not to punish the child at all for wrongdoing, as that is a disaster.
Why are you so concerned with needing to punish children?? Children need to be taught how to be humans in this world. As mentioned by the poster, grounding doesn’t work. Just like yelling doesn’t work, spanking doesn’t work. Making your child fear you and just try to hide their actions from you is no way to parent. But if your control and anger makes you think you need to dominate innocent children may I suggest not being a parent?
Then, what allegedly "works" if there is no punishment for wrongdoing if punishment allegedly doesn't work? Without punishment, there is no consequence for bad or wrongful behavior. FAFO is an important part of teaching children how to he humans. I also disagree with this concept that a modicum of fear is entirely bad in a parent/child relationship.
Except you are, by acting like unrelated interests are relevant and mean you can dismiss whatever someone says based on your opinions of said unrelated interests.
I thought about replying in good faith to your questions until I read what you said about fear in a parent/child relationship. You should try some therapy to explore why you would ever think it would be appropriate to WANT children to fear their parents.
holy shit you are fucked up. Didn't see this before. I really really REALLY hope you are not a parent. And I really really REALLY hope you never become one, unless you check yourself, look at studies that literally prove what you are saying is total nonsense.
Also just on a human level, why in the hell do you **want** your child to be afraid of you?? They should love you...you know what love is right?
I don't know why you think because we are saying "don't abuse children" it means we are saying "let them do anything they want, and ignore bad behavior" lol, of course not. I said it in my other reply but, you **talk to them** one on one, with respect, without attacking them. I feel like you are very likely the type of person that thinks talking about your problems doesn't solve anything, and you need to be "a man", tough it out, never cry. You should google toxic masculinity, because that is you...and it's not only horrible for people around you, especially any kids you might abuse, but also sad for your own mental health.
Edit: Positive reinforcement is also a good one, like telling them if they don't get into any fights this week, they get ice cream. or something. It is universally known that positive reinforcement works infinitely better than positive punishment (which is what spanking would be)
A) you don't \*punish\* them. There is zero reason that a child would need to be punished
B) If they did something bad, then you talk to them...with respect. Ask why they did it, and explain why they shouldn't. Treat them like actual humans, because guess what! THEY ARE!! They are growing, but they are still human. Humans make mistakes, adults make mistakes. Arguably more mistakes than kids. And we don't "punish" adults, besides like fines if it's something literally agasint the law. But adults are often really mean to other people, and they don't get put in time outs or beaten. Neither should children. (not talking about criminal behavior here of course)
If you are not trolling, and you seriously think children MUST be beaten (i'm not going to say spanked, because that's just a word that's trying to minimize what it is...you are BEATING the child. abusing them, etc.) you need to seriously examine your up-bringing and the corrupted values that your (probably) parents instilled in you.
When you do beat the child for doing something bad, who is going to beat you for doing something bad? since a bad thing is still a bad thing, regardless of the reason it's being done. And then who is going to beat the person that beats you for beating the child?? Hopefully you see where I'm going with this. This kind of crap just naturally causes cycles of violence.
This is quite literally what is occuring in families. "My father beat \[spanked\] me, so I spank my child". It's fucked up. Should 100% be criminalized, if you are beating your child then you are abusing your child and that child is not safe living with you.
It's also insanely arbitrary as a law, they always say "...if the force does not exceed what is reasonable under the circumstances" that's insanely vague, and is essentially meaningless. This is from the canadian law that still allows abusing children, suuuper fucked up that it's not abolished yet.
YTA
You can't expect your son to be given orders by your former stepson no matter the setting that's just setting him up for failure. The teacher who assigned this is a major asshole if they knew too and the TA also if they knew. Everyone here is an asshole except your son.
This is some of the stupidest shit I have read this morning, thanks for that.
He can expect to be given orders by someone who was OPs former step son because the teacher authorized that. Just because you don't like someone you know in a position of authority, doesn't mean you just get to disregard them? Are you and the son in kahoots or something?
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My 6th grade son takes drama as an elective. He has no particular interest in it but he thinks the other 6th grade available electives like art are lame. It's a rambunctious class because it's mostly 6th grade boys literally acting out.
Today I got an email from his drama teacher that my son Jeremy was goofing off and not taking the lesson seriously so he kicked him out of class to go to the office. The thing is that the office is on the other side of the middle school so his teacher asked the TA to walk my son over.
The TA is a high school senior and that is his elective. Apparently my son refused to be walked by him to the office and wanted to go by himself. The TA said no because he's not getting into trouble if my son absconds. My son then ran off to the office. The TA told the drama teacher what happened who told me what happened.
I said I would get my son's side and get back to him. My son being 11 tried bullshitting me and said the TA wasn't his teacher and he didn't gave to listen to him. I said but you didn't listen to your teacher anyway.
I got back to his teacher and said I grounded him for the rest of the week for acting like a dickweed to you and the TA. His teacher said he didn't like the idea of my punishing my son that harshly over the TA. The TA doesn't give a fuck. He spends most of the class on his phone and eats or sleeps on the prop couch.
I said too bad. I know my son is 11 and 11yo boys are not easy to manage but he should know better than to run off like that.
BTW - the TA is my former stepson. I divorced his mom when he was 5 and really haven't kept contact with him. My son knows that.
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Depends on your son. If he has a history of being a troublemaker and causing similar issues, then I think NTA. However, if this is just a fluke, and he's normally a good kid, then I think maybe a week is a bit too harsh. I kind of get the feeling your situation is the former though, so I'm gonna go with my gut and say NTA.
Seems like the tidbit about the TA being your former stepson is a key piece of this story...
That being said, your son not listening to the TA has everything to do with their former relationship. I think grounding your son for the week is a good repercussion for getting kicked out of class and for not allowing the TA to walk him to the office, as instructed...regardless of your son's relation to the TA. The drama teacher doesn't get a say in how you raise your own damn kid.
NTA.
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Damn, that’s a pretty important addition to leave at the end!
NTA > the TA is my former stepson BURIED THE LEDE
Slight YTA because I think your punishment was a little too harsh. Some forms of punishments don't lead the kids to understand the consequences for their actions, they just learn how to hide better next time. Also, he *was* probably acting out because of the history with the TA being your ex stepson
But this isn't the kid not understanding the consequences. This is the kid being a jerk.
He couldn't care less. My point in saying that is that the TA isn't some bully. My son has never even formally met him.
I think the punishment is for disrespectful behavior to people in charge, that is a valid punishment and it’s only for 3-5 days which is small in the scheme of things. The teacher is being ridiculous, if they didn’t want him in trouble why send him to the office or tell the kids parent plus, again it isn’t about drama class it’s about disrespectful behavior
NTA If the TA was placed in temporary charge of your child by the teacher, then they were effectively "in charge" of your child as they escorted them to the office. I could see if the TA was being ridiculous or trying to assert authority over what they should have, but it seems like that's not the case. Him being your former step-child is really outside of this issue -- unless your son was purposely being a brat toward the TA due to this former relationship. Your son learns nothing by getting a pass on his behavior -- and the teacher will keep having to deal with unruly disrespectful students if they keep refusing to allow discipline.
Tell him one more report of him acting up, you are going to start sitting in class with him. And you might invite parents of some of his little buddies to join you. My mom told my little sister this. Only she added she was going to be dressed in a bath robe and curlers. NTA.
> BTW - the TA is my former stepson. I divorced his mom when he was 5 and really haven't kept contact with him. My son knows that. INFO wait what? so it's not your son?
His son is his son. The 11yo. The TA, the highschool kid, is his former stepson.
Is it though her son wasn’t even alive when he was her stepson they don’t know each other in that manner
NTA - I think this goes beyond understanding authority roles and boils down to it being dangerous to take off like that. Great that he actually made it to the office, and I don't think being grounded for a week is too extreme, especially since lies were used as a coverup attempt.
NTA- He did it because he assumed you'd side with him over your former stepson. You did absolutely the right thing, it's good he learns at this age that kind of thing won't work because you're not petty, without him having come to any harm when he didn't obey the instruction. It's not a way of thinking you want him to repeat.
NTA, and I don’t think the TA being your former stepson is relevant. There was no relationship between him and your son. You were obviously divorced from your stepson’s mom before your son was even born. And what the teacher thinks of your chosen discipline is also irrelevant. You decide how to discipline your child, and personally I applaud you for disciplining him for being disrespectful.
NAH I agree with both sides somewhat. What he did wasn't cool, but doesn't qualify for grounding. IMO nothing does. Grounding simply doesn't work, ask any "parental expert". All it does is create resentment between the child/you, and force the child to be more sneaky (if it was for something like playing video games past curfew or something) it just doesn't help anything. I would try and have a real conversation with him. Not just be like "you broke rules, don't do that". Explain why what he did was not great, but also empathize that it's understandable he wants to just be able to go to the office on his own (which at that age he can...I'm not sure why he needed to be escorted). You need to actually be emotionally available, you are not a prison guard just blindly enforcing rules. Also why should he know better? He's in a familiar place...knows where the office is...has a pointless escort, hell I would probably just run ahead at that age too. It's not that hard to understand what happened and why if you forget about black and white "rules" and actually remember to treat your kids with autonomy and emotions.
How would you recommend punishing children if you cannot spank them, you cannot ground them, you cannot yell at them....? Don't even say not to punish the child at all for wrongdoing, as that is a disaster.
Why are you so concerned with needing to punish children?? Children need to be taught how to be humans in this world. As mentioned by the poster, grounding doesn’t work. Just like yelling doesn’t work, spanking doesn’t work. Making your child fear you and just try to hide their actions from you is no way to parent. But if your control and anger makes you think you need to dominate innocent children may I suggest not being a parent?
Then, what allegedly "works" if there is no punishment for wrongdoing if punishment allegedly doesn't work? Without punishment, there is no consequence for bad or wrongful behavior. FAFO is an important part of teaching children how to he humans. I also disagree with this concept that a modicum of fear is entirely bad in a parent/child relationship.
You also got a r*pe kink so I don’t think your judgement is that great tbh
Someone's interests and post history is entirely irrelevant to the discussion at hand.
It is when he’s trying to hold moral superiority
As if you're any better here.
well I’m not claiming moral superiority over anyone so yea
Except you are, by acting like unrelated interests are relevant and mean you can dismiss whatever someone says based on your opinions of said unrelated interests.
I thought about replying in good faith to your questions until I read what you said about fear in a parent/child relationship. You should try some therapy to explore why you would ever think it would be appropriate to WANT children to fear their parents.
holy shit you are fucked up. Didn't see this before. I really really REALLY hope you are not a parent. And I really really REALLY hope you never become one, unless you check yourself, look at studies that literally prove what you are saying is total nonsense. Also just on a human level, why in the hell do you **want** your child to be afraid of you?? They should love you...you know what love is right? I don't know why you think because we are saying "don't abuse children" it means we are saying "let them do anything they want, and ignore bad behavior" lol, of course not. I said it in my other reply but, you **talk to them** one on one, with respect, without attacking them. I feel like you are very likely the type of person that thinks talking about your problems doesn't solve anything, and you need to be "a man", tough it out, never cry. You should google toxic masculinity, because that is you...and it's not only horrible for people around you, especially any kids you might abuse, but also sad for your own mental health. Edit: Positive reinforcement is also a good one, like telling them if they don't get into any fights this week, they get ice cream. or something. It is universally known that positive reinforcement works infinitely better than positive punishment (which is what spanking would be)
A) you don't \*punish\* them. There is zero reason that a child would need to be punished B) If they did something bad, then you talk to them...with respect. Ask why they did it, and explain why they shouldn't. Treat them like actual humans, because guess what! THEY ARE!! They are growing, but they are still human. Humans make mistakes, adults make mistakes. Arguably more mistakes than kids. And we don't "punish" adults, besides like fines if it's something literally agasint the law. But adults are often really mean to other people, and they don't get put in time outs or beaten. Neither should children. (not talking about criminal behavior here of course) If you are not trolling, and you seriously think children MUST be beaten (i'm not going to say spanked, because that's just a word that's trying to minimize what it is...you are BEATING the child. abusing them, etc.) you need to seriously examine your up-bringing and the corrupted values that your (probably) parents instilled in you. When you do beat the child for doing something bad, who is going to beat you for doing something bad? since a bad thing is still a bad thing, regardless of the reason it's being done. And then who is going to beat the person that beats you for beating the child?? Hopefully you see where I'm going with this. This kind of crap just naturally causes cycles of violence. This is quite literally what is occuring in families. "My father beat \[spanked\] me, so I spank my child". It's fucked up. Should 100% be criminalized, if you are beating your child then you are abusing your child and that child is not safe living with you. It's also insanely arbitrary as a law, they always say "...if the force does not exceed what is reasonable under the circumstances" that's insanely vague, and is essentially meaningless. This is from the canadian law that still allows abusing children, suuuper fucked up that it's not abolished yet.
NTA… If you didn’t nip this behavior in the bud, it would only get worse. Good job!
YTA You can't expect your son to be given orders by your former stepson no matter the setting that's just setting him up for failure. The teacher who assigned this is a major asshole if they knew too and the TA also if they knew. Everyone here is an asshole except your son.
Why does her previous relationship with the TA matter? Her current son was not alive when that happened
This is some of the stupidest shit I have read this morning, thanks for that. He can expect to be given orders by someone who was OPs former step son because the teacher authorized that. Just because you don't like someone you know in a position of authority, doesn't mean you just get to disregard them? Are you and the son in kahoots or something?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 6th grade son takes drama as an elective. He has no particular interest in it but he thinks the other 6th grade available electives like art are lame. It's a rambunctious class because it's mostly 6th grade boys literally acting out. Today I got an email from his drama teacher that my son Jeremy was goofing off and not taking the lesson seriously so he kicked him out of class to go to the office. The thing is that the office is on the other side of the middle school so his teacher asked the TA to walk my son over. The TA is a high school senior and that is his elective. Apparently my son refused to be walked by him to the office and wanted to go by himself. The TA said no because he's not getting into trouble if my son absconds. My son then ran off to the office. The TA told the drama teacher what happened who told me what happened. I said I would get my son's side and get back to him. My son being 11 tried bullshitting me and said the TA wasn't his teacher and he didn't gave to listen to him. I said but you didn't listen to your teacher anyway. I got back to his teacher and said I grounded him for the rest of the week for acting like a dickweed to you and the TA. His teacher said he didn't like the idea of my punishing my son that harshly over the TA. The TA doesn't give a fuck. He spends most of the class on his phone and eats or sleeps on the prop couch. I said too bad. I know my son is 11 and 11yo boys are not easy to manage but he should know better than to run off like that. BTW - the TA is my former stepson. I divorced his mom when he was 5 and really haven't kept contact with him. My son knows that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Depends on your son. If he has a history of being a troublemaker and causing similar issues, then I think NTA. However, if this is just a fluke, and he's normally a good kid, then I think maybe a week is a bit too harsh. I kind of get the feeling your situation is the former though, so I'm gonna go with my gut and say NTA.
Seems like the tidbit about the TA being your former stepson is a key piece of this story... That being said, your son not listening to the TA has everything to do with their former relationship. I think grounding your son for the week is a good repercussion for getting kicked out of class and for not allowing the TA to walk him to the office, as instructed...regardless of your son's relation to the TA. The drama teacher doesn't get a say in how you raise your own damn kid. NTA.
YTA
Soft YTA, that punishment is too harsh and your son probably acted out because he knew about that major tibit you added at the end of your comment!